#there is nothing graphic but we don't want anyone harmed in any way
Text
So Blue | Han Jisung
•Synopsis: Who can you turn to in a dire situation if not your best friend? That's what Jisung thought when he texted you. Heart racing with fear that your best friend was hurt, you rush to his side. What you find however will change everything...
•Pairings: non idol Jisung x Female Reader
•Content Includes: smut, friends to lovers, strong language, mention of sexual enhancement drug, light anxiety, creampie, unprotected sex, oral (f receiving), multiple orgasms, cum eating
an: photos of Han used in title graphic have been edited for entertainment purposes by me and are not real. no harm is intended in the edited pictures. also please do not take any enhancement meds without talking to a doctor for your own safety. i don't condone the behavior that's written.
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The house is quiet, way too quiet when you step inside. Knowing Chan, Changbin, and Jisung for years, you know it's never this quiet when they're around and it's unsettling... Shutting the door behind you and glancing around, you see nothing out of the ordinary. So far everything looks exactly the way you left it last night after the four of you hung out. Just as you're about to walk into the kitchen, you hear Jisung start calling your name from his bedroom. Your heart races with panic and you rush towards his room, dropping your bag on the floor along the way. All kinds of awful scenarios play in your mind and when you burst into his room you half expect to find him bloody or with a broken bone, not sitting on the edge of his bed in a white sleeveless shirt and black shorts, with his legs spread sporting a massive hard-on.
"Wait, why me?" you blurt out, when Jisung explains that he needs your help. Your cheeks heat up as you steal a quick glance at the unmistakable bulge in his shorts. There's a mix of embarrassment and unexpected arousal that floods through you, leaving you flustered.
You're shocked, jaw practically hitting the floor. Who knew he was so… big? After all these years of friendship, you never thought of him in any other way except as your weird and talented friend. But now, seeing him in this state… It's making you feel things you'd rather deny and your stomach is flipping like crazy. Every now and then you notice that his cock twitches underneath his shorts as if it's alive, pulsating and drawing your eyes down to it again despite how hard you try not to stare. Kind of hard when something that size is practically waving “Hello” at you.
"I- I can't tell the guys this. They'd clown me for life," Jisung stammers, fidgeting as he looks at you from across his messy room. Plastic water bottles scattered, tissues crumpled on the floor—yeah, it's pretty clear what he's been up to before you got here.
"Well, what do you expect me to do, Han Jisung?" you retort, emphasizing his full name for dramatic effect.
"I don't know," he mumbles, shrugging his shoulders. "It's been hours. I can't even leave my room. It hurts, y/n."
When he grabs at the stiffness beneath his cotton shorts and lets out a low groan, you stop breathing. Why does this have to turn me on? He's my best friend! You mentally scold yourself, tearing your gaze away. Shit, it's hot in here. Your body feels too hot all over. It's like standing too close to a blazing fire, the heat making you squirm uncomfortably.
"Ji... we need to get you to the hospital," you say, avoiding his gaze. "You've seen those commercials."
"Please, no! I can't let anyone see me. Did you forget, your bestie Annie, who also happens to be Chan's girl, works there. If she sees me, it's game over. She'll tell him." Jisung pleads, hands clasped together, desperation evident in his wide brown eyes. Those puppy dog eyes of his always get to you.
"Dude, what were you even thinking, taking Love?" you groan, plopping down on the cozy carpet with a heavy thud, completely confused by your friend's decision to take an enhancement pill.
You remember seeing those late-night infomercials a couple of years back, pushing that blue heart-shaped pill. They call it 'Love' because of the 'L0-V3' stamped on it. Basically it's like Viagra, but it's mixed with a very low dose of THC. They advertise that it does more than just keep things up. 'Guaranteed to give you the ultimate pleasure,' they say.
Jisung shrugs, watching you with a miserable expression. “I was curious if it would make masturbating feel different, better maybe? I mean it did the first 6 times. Wah! The orgasms were fucking mind blowing y/n.” He smiles and chuckles.
"Ji, oh my god! Ugh, have mercy on my ears bro." Both of you burst into laughter, but then you notice Ji wincing in pain. Your mood quickly shifts from playful to genuine concern.
"It hurts that much?" you ask, feeling awful that he's so uncomfortable.
He nods weakly, “It's not even just my dick but my balls feel so fuckin’ heavy. Like they're literally going to rip from my body.”
You cringe inwardly, fingers pressing into your ears as he launches into yet another one of his oversharing moments. His lack of filter has always been a trademark of his, but that's just Jisung being Jisung. After being friends since grade five, it's like he's incapable of holding back anything with you. You remember the day he lost his virginity, he texted you literally right after. His excitement was evident even through the phone. As a joke you got him a cake in the shape of the letter ‘V’. That was in highschool and his habit of sharing way too much is still going strong in your twenties. Only difference is this time his oversharing is doing things to you.
The dampness between your thighs, well, that's just gotta be a coincidence, right? I mean, it's not like the sight of your long time buddy sporting a hard-on is doing anything for you. It's more than likely just the frustration of being on a three-year dry spell. Yeah, that's gotta be it. It's definitely because you haven't been fucked in a long time and not Jisung himself. You give your head a shake, dropping your hands from your ears with a wry smirk.
"Ji, we've really gotta do something… before it gets worse. You don't want it to fall off." You tell him jokingly, trying to keep the mood light but you're feeling worried all over again.
"Yeah, yeah I know. You're right, but what are we supposed to do? I've tried everything, even beatin' it 11 times, and still no luck.” He says, sounding so casual about his masturbatory activities.
You let out an embarrassed groan and fall back dramatically onto the floor, while Jisung lets out a pitiful whine. You grab your phone and start searching for home remedies but after an hour of scrolling, you're still at square one. Not a single remedy seems feasible. Leeches? Nah, no way. As if either of you would go near those slimy things. And some tea from a self-proclaimed witch sounds sketchy as hell. Plus, she's halfway across the globe. It would take forever to get here, if it even would. Jisung hasn't had any luck either. Every twenty minutes You hear him curse under his breath and run his hands through his hair. You two are running out of options, and as time passes, you start to feel more and more useless.
"Y/n," Jisung whispers your name after another forty minutes of searching, his voice hesitant.
You look up at him, doe eyed and innocently chewing your lip. “Hm? What's up, Hannie? Did you find something?” With a strained grunt he nods in response looking at you intensely.
“Fuck, shit.” He mutters under his breath, almost like he's talking to himself. “My dick... It won't go down without…”
“Ji what is it? You're freaking me out. Without what?” You scramble up onto your knees and crawl over to the bed, inching closer to him, eyes full of concern.
Jisung looks like he's in absolute agony watching you crawl over to him. His emotions are all over the place, you can practically feel the tension radiating off of him when you reach the bed. His eyes are like flames, burning far too hot when he looks at you. You can see the struggle written all over his face like he's fighting with himself.
“Y/n, you're making it harder,” Jisung breathes out, his voice husky and balling his hands into fists as he tries to keep his composure.
You sit beside him scrunching up your face and like the good friend that you are, you place a comforting hand on his knee. Jisung's breath catches in his throat and a flush creeps up his neck when you touch him making him suddenly feel lightheaded.
"What do you mean 'making it harder'? I'm here trying to help you, remember?” You say, your voice soft and tinged with hurt. The pain in your voice and eyes catches him off guard. He's stammering, suddenly aware of how his words might've come out wrong.
He didn't mean for it to sound bad. You're the last person he'd ever want to hurt. But today, everything you do just seems to set him off. He's been trying so damn hard to push his feelings aside. But it's like having you in his room, despite you being here a million times before, it's messing with his head. He can't think straight. You've always been stunning to him, and yeah, maybe he's entertained some inappropriate thoughts about you in the past, but that was only once. Maybe it's the pill messing with his head but you’re making it impossible for him to focus on anything but you.
“N- no I mean, I’m grateful you're here, really love. You're the only one who can help me. I just mean… you're making it harder. Ya know?” He stammers, licking his lips nervously. He nods down once looking down at his lap before back at you and bites his lip feeling embarrassed. Your eyes flick down to his shorts and go wide when you understand.
"What? How?!" You glance down at your outfit. His black hoodie with the paint splatters that you borrowed a few days ago, paired with simple black leggings. Nothing revealing, yet you're somehow making his cock even harder than it already was.
"You're over there moaning and then you start crawling towards me on all fours. I mean, come on, how could anyone not get turned on by that? Shit!" He chuckles nervously, feeling his heart racing. He hides his face in his hands, laughing, and murmurs something when you giggle.
"You're such a perv, Ji." You tease, still chuckling as you playfully pry his hands away from his face. "Now try that again. I'm not fluent in mumbles, sorry.”
“I said… I just read that it won't go down without intercourse. Bro, I don't exactly have a girlfriend. I'm so fucked.” He sighs, sounding completely defeated.
Your smile falters when you see just how miserable he looks. It's been a while since he was last in a relationship, that was true. Probably a little longer than you, about four years now. His last one ended when she demanded he choose between you and her. She couldn't stand the fact that you would spend the night in the spare bedroom where Jisung, Chan, and Changbin recorded their music, dreaming of making it big someday. Jisung ended things with her on the spot; he wouldn't be with someone who couldn't accept his friends. Apparently she had issues with Minho too, which was probably what really did it for him. But somehow, you can't shake off the feeling that their breakup was somehow your fault, that his single status is on your shoulders.
“I'm sorry Hannie. We'll um, we can figure something out.” You reassure him, innocently rubbing his knee.
Without thinking much, your fingers gently glide over his skin comfortingly, feeling the tenseness in his muscles. He's so stressed. It breaks your heart seeing him like this. You don't know what to do right now other than offer him comfort. There are no answers or solutions that you can think of to give him. All you can do is show him that you're in it together as always. You start rambling on about how you two are both probably freaking out for no reason and that everything will be fine soon. But as your fingers continue to move in innocent slow circles, Jisung starts shifting. It goes unnoticeable by you so you keep talking. It's all nonsense really, delving into something completely random and off topic in an attempt to distract him from the issue at hand, only Jisung isn't processing a single word you've said. He's far too focused on your hand.
The moment your hand landed on his knee he prayed you wouldn't move it, he prayed you would. He tried so hard to focus on anything other than the heat and softness of your hand on his bare skin. It's too much though and his mind starts to quickly wander. He freezes and tries to focus on your voice but it's impossible. Jisung can't stop the thoughts that his mind creates or the images that begin to come into focus. He's imagining your hand sliding up his thigh until it's slipping under his shorts. He can almost feel it happening, his sudden daydream becoming so vivid. In his mind's eye he can see you take him into your hands, feel you stroking him until he's a mess and spilling all over your fingers. He's fighting his demons and you're oblivious to it all. You just continue to talk all while the sensation of your hand is driving him up the wall. He can feel the sudden familiar tightening in his balls and he panics. He can't get control of his body, not with the drug still in his system.
His hand quickly comes down covering yours, stopping the gentle caress to his knee. His intense brown eyes look darker when they stare into yours. His lips slightly part and his breath starts coming out in uneven quiet bursts. The warmth of his hand seems to grow hotter, becoming slightly sweaty against yours and your heart starts pounding in your chest. You feel the subtle shift in his body beneath your touch and his legs tense up as he lets out a soft, involuntary grunt. Jisung's gaze burns into yours with an undeniable intensity that makes air feel thick and your cunt slick.
Is he about to?
You glance down at his shorts and his cock pulsates underneath. You stop breathing when realization hits you. He’s going to cum, right here, right now, all while holding your hand and looking at you. He's leaking so much precum it's noticeable even in the black fabric. A wicked scene flashes through your mind, of you sinking to your knees to taste him, taking his fully clothed cock into your mouth.
"Ah, shit! Mm!" Jisung's moans slip out and his breathing escalates as he starts to tremble all over. "Y/n," he pants out. Your name rolling off his tongue, making your whole body flush as his orgasm quickly builds, like you're the cause of it. "I... oh, shit. I'm... sorry, fuck. I can't... Help it. I'm cumming. Oh, fuck, oh, fuck!”
His grip on your hand tightens and he takes a deep breath before letting out a long low moan. You're left speechless, eyes fixed on Jisung's face as he cums in his pants. His hips move instinctively upwards, as if he's fucking some unseen entity and you can't help but find it incredibly hot. It's possibly the sexiest thing you've ever witnessed and now you're more turned on than you were to before.
His orgasm hits him hard, and you can feel his muscles tighten when he lets go. Warmth spreads through your body and it's impossible not to miss the way his release seeps through his dark shorts. The fabric quickly becomes wetter as his seed flows out in thick, white strings. His cock, still concealed and hard beneath the dampness, slows its wild twitching and stills.
“God, I'm sorry y/n. I don't know what came over me. Your hand... It felt incredible and it just happened. It was like the pill ramped up the feeling.” He apologizes, letting go of your hand. His heavy breathing slows and cheeks flush with a mixture of arousal and shame.
“It's ok Ji, I understand. You don't have to apologize. I wasn't thinking. I'll uh, get you a change of shorts.” You start to get up and head towards his dresser but he catches your wrist. He looks up at you with those brown sugar boba eyes of his making you shift.
“Tell me what you're thinking, y/n. Please? I'm going crazy thinking I'm weirding you out. Be honest with me please, lovely. Please?” He pleads with you.
You sigh and sit back down beside him and almost moan when the seam of your leggings rub against you. Seeing Jisung cum right in front of you, has your body feeling ultra sensitive. You're so on edge as if you've taken an enhancement pill yourself.
"I'm not weirded out, trust me," You confess, your voice low and filled with something more that you try to hide from him and yourself.
"Then how do you feel? You've gone quiet on me." Jisung probes, daring you to reveal your feelings.
“I feel fine Ji.” You say and look at his closet door. It's wide open and his clothes are all over the place inside like a tornado went through it.
“Bullshit y/n. I can tell when you're lying. You never look at me when you lie.”
Sighing you look him in the eyes and your mouth suddenly goes dry. He's not going to let this go until you fess up to him. He'll drill you with questions until you crack and that will probably make things more awkward than it already is. You don't really have a choice but to be transparent with him like you normally are.
“I'm,” You start, only for your words to trail off into a mumble.
“What was it you said earlier y/n? I'm not fluent in mumble?" He smirks, feeling so damn proud of himself and you roll your eyes.
“Ugh, fine. Fine, okay. I'm… horny. There, satisfied?” You admit red in the face. You look away fiddling with the sleeve of Jisung's hoodie.
"What else?" His voice, steady and resolute.
Your head spins back to him, caught off guard. "What else?" you echo loudly in shock. "Isn't all that enough?" He shakes his head, a smirk playing on his lips, as if he knows something you don't.
"Nah, not when I can feel you holding back," Jisung teases, leaning closer. "We're always so open with each other, but right now, there's something you're not saying."
“I…” You let out a defeated and frustrated sigh. “You turned me on.” You whisper. “The sight of you cumming. The look on your face, that fucking moan, Jisung. The way your cock bobbed from inside your shorts when you… damn it. It fucking made me wet. I've been wet since I walked in here!” You're practically yelling now, breathing heavily after releasing all your pent up feelings and he just smiles and chuckles.
“That wasn't so hard was it?
“Yes,” You say with a huff. “Yes, that actually was pretty damn hard.” You go to cover your face but he stops you.
“Don't be embarrassed, sweetie. I think that's a normal reaction. Sorta like watching porn.” He replies, chuckling.
“I suppose… but it doesn't really help your situation though.” You say feeling mortified.
The room goes quiet for a minute, the pair of you at a loss for words until Jisung breaks the silence.
“Maybe it can?”
You give him a look, raising an eyebrow in his direction. His cheeks flush and he raises his hands in a surrender gesture, palms facing outward, “Hear me out. It doesn't have to be weird. We'd just be helping each other out. You wouldn't be horny anymore and I wouldn't be hard and in pain. You're my only hope.”
“Are you suggesting that you and I… fuck?” You ask gesturing between you both. He groans in half pain, half pleasure at your words and your face heats again matching the blush on his cheeks.
“Please? Please let me fuck you y/n. Shit I know we're friends, it won't mean anything. You'd be literally saving my life. It's torture being like this. Every twitch, every movement I make… it fucking hurts like hell.” He begs, sounding desperate.
Jisung's question hangs in the air and you find yourself unable to respond. Silence ticks on for only a few seconds but to Jisung it feels like an hour. He runs his hands through his hair in frustration and huffs.
"Fine, then," he grumbles, breaking the silence again. "Can you at least help me get into your car so we can go to the hospital then?" His voice is rough, but there's an underlying vulnerability to it.
Still you stay quiet, his pleas echoing loudly in your mind. He's begging for your help and you can't speak. You're torn between wanting to be there for him and the fear of the aftermath. It's never a good idea to sleep with a friend. God, how many times have there been movies portraying that, only for it to go wrong? Too many, that's the answer. You're already feeling things that you wish you weren't. This could ruin your friendship with Jisung. This isn't just a peck on the lips. You'll be far closer and far more intimate than you two have ever been. So your hesitation is valid but Jisung is losing his mind and panicking more than you are right now.
“What the fuck y/n? Are you really ignoring me right now? Look, I'm sorry I asked. Just forget it and hel-”
"Promise me," You cut him off, "Promise me that we'll pretend like it never happened."
"Absolutely, yes. I promise!" he agrees eagerly, his face lighting up as he reaches for the drawer in his bedside dresser.
Curious, you watch as he rummages through the drawer's content. "What are you up to now?" you ask, sounding amused despite the fact that the little voice in your head is screaming at you.
"Looking for a condom," he replies, a mischievous glint in his eyes when he looks over at you.
You chuckle, shaking your head. "Dude, even if you find one, it's probably expired or dried up. When was the last time you got some ass?"
"Oh yeah right, good point—wait! It hasn't been that long!" He whines.
Laughing, you playfully cover your mouth. "Uh huh, sure. Besides, you gave your last one to Chan a while ago, remember?"
“Shit, you're right. Now what?” He pouts looking disappointed.
“Just raw I guess. Don't really have a choice. We both know we're clean and I'm on the pill.” You shrug nonchalantly like the idea is whatever to you but your heart is beating a thousand beats per second and you're internally freaking out.
Jisung swallows hard, looking nervous in your direction. “You uh, you sure?”
“Yeah let's just do it before Bin and Chan get back. Shit would be really awkward if they caught us.” Your voice betrays your false confidence, shaking as nerves wrack your body.
“Yeah, good point” He replies with a nod, suddenly looking serious.
This is serious to him. This isn't exactly how he envisioned his weekend starting. Jisung's heart pounds hard, his palms sweating as he stares at you. Amidst the anxiety he's feeling about this, he's oddly happy. He feels lucky knowing you’re here willing to cross boundaries for him. Not everyone would do something like this for a friend, but you're different. You always have his back no matter what crazy mess Jisung finds himself in.
Despite the fucked-upness of it all, Jisung can't deny the excited flutter in his stomach. The thought of having sex with a friend is enough to give anyone major anxiety but he's surprised how well you both are dealing with it. Still, fear sits at the back of his mind. What if this changes everything? What if it ruins your friendship? This is a big deal. He's seen it play out in movies and dramas all the time and not once had it turned out well. He doesn't have a lot of options though. You're quite literally his only hope like he told you.
Jisung gets up carefully, giving you full access to his bed and watches you as you strip down to nothing. Embarrassment fills you as his mouth hangs open, in complete fascination and awe. He thinks you're unstoppable, the way you're confidently undressing like that. He doesn't know you want to crawl into a hole and disappear. His eyes find your breast and he mentally marvels over how hard your nipples are. He suddenly wants nothing more than to slip the peaks into his mouth and bite down on them until they're red and you're squirming under him. Your cunt calls to him like a siren, just as pretty and just as wet. His fingers itch to trace the contours of your body, to feel your skin beneath his touch. Every inch of you seems to call out to him.
Jisung shifts uncomfortably, clearing his throat as he glances towards the door. "Um, so about the lights... Do you have a preference?”
"You decide, Ji.” you murmur, your voice barely above a whisper, leaning back into his sheets on your forearms.
With a nod, he walks over to the door and locks it before reaching to switch off the light, enveloping the room in darkness. It takes a moment for your eyes to adjust. The sun had long since disappeared, hours slipping away unnoticed in trying to find a way to help your friend. A second later, the white walls covered in music memorabilia and anime posters, glow crimson from the light of the LED Akatsuki cloud lamp you gifted him for Christmas.
“There we go.” He says lightly, his voice barely audible over the sound of your heart.
Jisung's trying his best to put you at ease, and you're grateful for it, even if it's not working. You're lying there, heart pounding like a drum, with the soft red glow of his bedroom casting shadows all around. Your breath hitches, nerves tingling as you steal a glance at him by the bedside. Your fingers toy with the sheets' edge and butterflies dance wildly in your stomach. This is risky, but you're only doing it to help him out, right? Nothing more. Yet, there's something brewing beneath the surface, something you're both feeling but haven't quite put into words or even thoughts. Not right now at least.
Jisung casually strips off his tank and tosses it onto his computer chair, standing over you. Even though you've seen him shirtless a million times, it feels different this time. Probably because the setting is more intimate. You can't help but admire the way his muscles are defined, how they seem to mold perfectly to his body. Every contour, every line, down to his slender waist, captivates you. Then, as he lowers his shorts, you find yourself holding your breath, unable to look away. He's got to be a good seven inches you think. Slightly curving upwards, angry and red with the veins ridiculously prominent. You don't even stop yourself from fantasizing about how he'd feel on your tongue. The temptation to reach out and touch him is almost overwhelming, but you hold back, afraid of what it might mean.
“Do you think you can take all of me y/n?” He asks curiously and you look up at him.
His features soften in the dim light. He looks so vulnerable, so unlike the confident guy you're used to seeing. It tugs at your heart, stirring up a mix of emotions you can't quite begin to untangle.
His question, It's not a cocky one. In fact he sounds a little bit self conscious, worried even. Like he's afraid of hurting you or causing you discomfort. As much as you try to not think of him as your best friend right now as a means of psyching yourself out, you can't. He's your sweet Hannie, he's the talented genius J.One, a rap name he created when he was 16. He's your Sungie, who sat with you when you were the new kid in middle school. He needs you… needs your help. What kind of friend would turn away from a friend in need?
"I can handle it, don't worry about me, Ji. Let's just get you back to normal, okay?" You reach out your hand towards him with a subtle tremble exposing your nervousness.
"Yeah, okay, lovely. Just... let me know if you want to stop, okay? Promise?” Jisung exhales, his breath jittery with nerves waiting for your response.
“I promise. Now just relax and fuck me.” You whisper.
“Fuck. Yeah, okay.”
He moves closer to you, placing his hand in yours, and you feel a jolt of electricity shoot through you. The worries and hesitations you had vanish, replaced by a strong need to take care of this for him, to ease his pain. You feel the heat emanating from his body as he positions himself between your legs, gazing down at you with wide eyes.
He chews on his bottom lip and wraps his hand around the base of his cock with a hiss. He's still sensitive from the pain and his recent orgasm but he lines himself up with the entrance to your core, noticing how your arousal glistens in the red lights.
“Do you normally get this wet y/n?” He asks, sounding genuinely curious tilting his head to one side.
You hide your face with your hands, inhaling deeply. It's like you're a virgin all over again and this is your first time. You're nervous out of your mind and he's asking you a question like that. He's just curious, sure, but... he's Jisung... Your pulse pounds in your ears, and you slowly lower your hands. His eyes meet yours, and you can see everything you're feeling reflected in them.
You swallow hard, “Honestly, no. I've never been this wet, Jisung. Not even for myself.” You tell him, keeping eye contact so he knows you aren't lying.
“Fuck, that's hot.” He whispers. His cock twitches and rubs along your folds. “Ah, shit.” He winces and moans at the contact, feeling his cock stiffen even more beyond his belief.
Your body jerks at the unexpected touch, causing you to inhale sharply. His fingers lightly graze the curve of your waist, as if he's afraid you might vanish at any moment. His eyes, intense and penetrating, hold yours captive and heat pools low in your belly. Jisung's touch sends a shiver all over your body when his fingertips slowly begin tracing delicate patterns on your skin. Suddenly it's hard to deny just how bad you want him.
“Han Jisung if you don't stop stalling and just fuck me, I'm getting dressed and calling Chan.” Your breath comes out in short, shallow gasps. That brush against you was too much and not enough. You want him. God, you want him so bad it's almost painful.
“Okay, okay sorry. I'm just nervous. Fuck, I feel like a virgin all over again.” He says voicing your earlier thoughts out loud, making you both laugh loudly.
It feels almost normal. Like you're not about to let sleep with your long time friend. Like he's just above you now because you were wrestling for the remote. But after the laughter subsides, Jisung gathers up his courage and pushes the tip of his cock inside you without any restrictions. You're so wet that he slides right in. You both let out a moan, the sound echoing off the walls of his room, enveloping you in an intimate bubble. In the dim light, the boundary between friendship and something more blurs, and you find yourself swept away by the growing need. Jisung can feel his heart beating harder in his chest as he loses himself to the sweet feeling of you around the tip of him. A growing need intensifies within him with every passing second. He's got just the head in and he wants to slam into and cum right now.
"More. Keep going," you whisper, your voice quiet and dripping with lust. He bites down hard and complies slightly hesitating. Slowly he pushes further inside of you.
Your fingers tremble as they brush against his arms as he steadily inch by inch presses forward getting deeper, drawing moans out of you that could be heard from Pluto. It takes all of Jisung's focus to slide his entire length into you. He didn't want to cum just from sticking the tip in. But with each thrust into your eager pussy, brings him closer to bursting inside you.
"Fuck.” He breathes out as he fully sinks into you, his hand laying over your stomach gently. With a soft sigh, he leans in, resting his other hand beside your head. You feel incredible and he's reminded of the only moment he fantasized about you. A distant memory flooding back, something he tried to push away ages ago.
You tagged along with him, Chan, and Binnie for a vacation to the beach one scorching summer. He couldn't help but notice the way you looked in that red bikini with the guitar pick pattern. The way it barely covered your tits and ass. The sight made him feel insane. He was thinking things about you that he hadn't ever before. He used the fact that he couldn't swim just to sit in the sand, secretly enjoying the sight of you splashing around in the water. Every splash, every droplet clinging to your skin, it was like a fantasy playing out before his eyes. He imagined plowing into you from behind in the shower, your breast pressed against the shower tiles as you took all of him. Every detail was vivid and intense in his mind. That night, while you peacefully slept beside him in the hotel room you shared, he couldn't shake the images from his mind. Unable to sleep due to the ache in his cock, he pumped himself into his fist while thoughts of you consumed his mind. Guilt filled him but he pushed it aside, chalking it up to normal hormonal desires. It had been years since he even had those thoughts, until now.
Now he's buried deep inside you, all because of a dumb decision to try those enhancement pills. All because he wanted a mind-blowing, toe curling, orgasm. But deep down, he's kinda grateful for messing up. With you beneath him, he can fuck you instead of his hand. It's been too long since he's fucked anyone. He wants to savor this moment, take his time feeling your walls flutter around him since this won't happen again. As the urge to cum fades, he eases out of you, leaving just the head of his cock inside and begins moving again, slowly, teasingly, watching your reaction with his mouth slightly agape. Slowly, he rocks in and out, feeling your tightness gripping him in a way he's never experienced before. It’s better than anything he's felt with his exes. He's in awe of how amazing you make him feel. With a forceful thrust, he drives himself deeper into you, pausing when you cry out in pleasure.
"Damn it, y/n, you feel amazing. Fuck, so good.” he murmured, his voice a low, husky whisper. “Can I... Can I go faster? Please, tell me I can fuck you faster, baby. Let me make you feel even better." He begs, grunting softly and shifting his hips in a slow, teasing rhythm, forcing a needy whimper from you.
You bite your lip, a rush of pleasure flooding your body as you nod in response, too overwhelmed to speak. Your breath hitches, coming in rapid gasps, and your legs tremble around him.
“Thank you, fuck.” He withdraws with a sharp pull, then eases back in hard, making you cry out. “Stop me if I'm too rough, baby. You gotta tell me sweetie. Can you do that?”
You nod, but that's not quite what he wants. Jisung wants to hear you, no, needs to hear you. His hand moves, brushing against your skin until he finds your nipple, teasingly taking it between his fingers. Your breath catches as he pinches it gently and rolls it slowly between his thumb and index finger. He feels your body react, your walls tightening around him when you whimper softly.
"Oh!" You gasp, unable to control that blissful feeling of pleasure that runs through you. He does it again, a little harder this time. The corner of his mouth lifts into a cocky grin when you arch your back.
“Yes Ji! Fuck, I'll tell you.” Your eyes close and you grip the blankets on the bed in tight hands.
“Thank you y/n. God you're the fucking, mm! You're the best. Knew only you could help me. I knew you'd take care of me.” Jisung whispers, gripping the sheets by your head tight, his fingers curling around the fabric and sliding himself back into you. The bed creaks beneath you, echoing his movements as he fucks you harder. “Knew you'd make me feel good,” He murmurs, his voice thick with sex. "Tell me, y/n, does that feel good? Does my y/n feel good because of me? Tell me baby.”
Does he always talk like this with everyone he's been with before? You wonder and you realize he's way more experienced than you imagined. The thought makes you jealous but the feeling doesn't last. Each push of his cock inside of you pushes that green eyed demon out of your mind.
His voice, smooth like honey, drips with sweetness, coating you with each word he utters. The way he speaks to you only makes you wetter and you're craving him more. He's not holding back anymore, lost in the moment where all that matters is pleasure. Yours, his… you both need more. He's not waiting for a response; he knows you're speechless, your words stuck in your throat, your silence speaking volumes. With one hand supporting himself, he cups your breast, teasing and massaging the flesh, making you squirm under him before taking your nipple into his mouth. A low, guttural moan escapes him, reverberating through you body. You moan passionately, feeling the heat of his tongue against your skin. When he gently bites the hard peaks of your nipple your body arches into him and your left hand cradles his head.
Jisung inhales deeply, and your scent envelops him, drawing him in with its intoxicating allure. "Damn, you smell so good," Jisung murmurs, a soft smile playing on his lips and his heart literally skips a beat in his chest.
He swore nothing would change, but his heart rebels against that weak promise. Every day, he'll crave you more. Every glance, every touch will only intensify the want for you. The need to have you will only grow stronger. Your hands are all over him now, leaving invisible imprints that seem to penetrate straight to his heart. He finds himself addicted to your nails grazing his skin, the way your fingers weave through his hair, pulling him in closer to you with each tug.
Feeling his body pressing against yours, every movement sends waves of pleasure through you. Your hips respond to him, moving in sync and the sensation of his cock against your sweet spot makes you gasp softly. With each grind, the warmth grows blazing inside you. Jisung pauses, his lips leaving your nipple, and gazes down at you, his tousled hair framing his face in a way that makes him look irresistible in this moment. There's a silent shift between you that makes it harder to breathe.
"Close, aren't you, y/n?" he pants, a teasing grin playing on his lips. Something inside you explodes and a surge of electricity courses through you. It's not just the impending climax that has your insides uncoiling; but from that look he gives you. It's overwhelming in the best way possible. You feel like you're free falling through the clouds.
"Almost, Ji. So close," You breathe out softly.
"Yeah, baby, me too," He murmurs, his words laced with urgency. “I need you to come first. I'm gonna pull out." You shake your head and cling to him tighter, not wanting him to stop.
"Cum inside me, Sungie. Just keep going. Harder, Ji. Right there. Fuck!" Your voice grows louder with each word.
"Are you sure, y/n?" he asks, and when you nod, he grins at you. "Gonna give you all of me, baby. Fill you up real good. Gonna make a mess." He trails off with a soft curse. "Fuck, you're so beautiful," he adds, his voice becoming more raw, his desire evident in every breath. "You feel so good, y/n. So fucking good."
Jisung's hips buck wildly, thrusting faster and you scream his name, pleading with him to not stop, to not hold back, to fill you up. He's trembling, his breath coming out in ragged grunts as he pounds his cock into you, driving deeper with every thrust. Your body tenses up, and you manage to gasp out that you're about to cum just before it hits you like a tidal wave. And when it hits, fuck, it's like fireworks go off behind your eyelids. The most explosive sensation you've ever experienced.
“Gah, y/n! keep cumming, just like that. Y/n, you're gonna make me cum. So tight. Yeah, keep squeezing me with your pussy. I'm gonna cum. Oh, fuck, oh fuck, I'm cumming baby." He moans, his voice strained with pleasure.
You feel it deep when Jisung cums. It jets out in spurts forcefully, filling you and the sensation rips another unexpected orgasm from you. His thrusts slows to a gentle pace, guiding you through the aftershocks of your orgasm until your muscles relax around him. With a shudder, he finally stills, collapsing onto you panting, his weight supported by his forearms. Cupping your face in his hand, he looks down at you with a mix of satisfaction and longing in his eyes that makes you feel indescribable.
Your soft moans and the way you're clinging on to him, gives him a different sort of pleasure. Just knowing he's the one making you feel good, is a heady feeling, one that makes him want to hold onto this moment longer. But it's done and over now and he feels disappointed that such an amazing feeling, like being nestled inside of you, won't happen again.
Jisung's heart is pounding in his chest as he moves his face closer to you. His impulses taking over, "Can I kiss you?" he breathes out, voice shaky looking down at you.
You give a hesitant nod, feeling suddenly shy despite what just happened between you two, and he leans in to press his lips against yours. It's gentle, soft, sweeter than you expected. He doesn't use his tongue, unsure if you'd even want him to but he couldn't resist the urge to kiss you. The way you looked up at him, so pretty with those heavy lids and his cum dripping out of you… he just had to taste your lips, just once.
When he goes to pull away, you grab onto him, pulling him back and deepening the kiss. Your lips part, inviting him to explore you with his tongue, which he eagerly does. Your muscles tighten, and you realize his cock, which had been softening earlier, is now growing harder inside you. You gasp, intending to let him know it worked but before you can, he starts moving again and your gasp turns into moaning. There's no need for you two to keep having sex now that his erection can go away but you don't stop him. This time it's not just about relieving his pain or a means to an end, it's about something more. You both feel it, the change that he promised wouldn't happen, only you don't seem to care. No, you encourage Jisung to keep moving, to go deeper. You part your legs for him even more, letting him have all of you and surrender to the feelings pulsing through your body. It's all so new, these intense emotions you've developed for him.
Jisung's movements are slow and deliberate, each thrust unhurried. His cock slips out leisurely only to ease back in, a rhythm that makes you ache for more. More speed, more friction, more everything. You want to beg him to move faster, but the intensity of his stare leaves you feeling tongue-tied. In this moment, you're the epitome of beauty to him. Your unfocused gaze, your neediness, it's all so intoxicating, urging Jisung to continue his languid movements. He watches as your eyes struggle to focus, blinking several times before locking onto him once more and he loves it. It's as if each blink only deepens the desire he has for you.
He’s amazed that you're letting him continue to fuck you, even though there's no real reason to keep going. But damn, your body has him hooked already. You're spoiling him for any other girl he might end up with, unless... No, he won't let himself go there. He can't think of you as his, not after the promise he made. Still, he craves more of you in every possible way. Jisung's body trembles as he enters you, feeling your muscles tighten around him, and it brings a grin to his face knowing he can coax another orgasm out of you. He wonders how many can say they were able to make you cum multiple times. Did they take care of you like him? He thinks cockily. With a grunt that mingles with your soft moans, he thrusts harder, pushing deeper into you, feeling the tightness around his cock. It's a rhythm of in and out, urging his cock deeper, with nowhere to go.
Did any of your past hookups take their time like this? Fucking you nice and slow, or were they all just in it for a quick nut? Not Jisung, though. He could never, would never just fuck you for his own satisfaction. Your pleasure matters to him. It's what does it for him. He gets off on seeing you lose control because of him, on making you feel good. He doesn't even need to be buried deep inside your cunt to cum. He'd cum in his pants again fingering you or while you rode his face. Just the thought of you cumming on his face is enough to make him explode right now. The sounds you make, your touch, they're his undoing. That's why he came so hard earlier when all you did was caress his knee. He knows that now.
He's finding it impossible to hold back anymore, despite wanting you to cum first. He can't though, not when you gently place your hand on his cheek. That simple touch pushes him over the edge, and he pours himself into you with a raw moan, unable to control himself any longer. His legs shake, his toes curl, and he experiences an intense orgasm, far beyond what he had hoped the pill would give him. But it's not the pill—it's you. He knows it's you.
Watching Jisung cum inside you for the second time, you feel yourself reaching your own orgasm. With soft gasps, your cunt shudders around him. The look on Jisung's face when he cums is easily becoming addicting to you now. You could probably cum just by that look alone. It's like he's lost in the moment, completely taken over by pleasure. His face scrunches up, brows knitting together, round cheeks puffing out with each deep exhale.
You both lie there catching your breaths, quiet and completely still. His cock's still buried inside you, keeping you close. Your eyes lock, taking in every little detail of each other's faces while you both catch your breath. He could stay like this forever, your pussy snug around his cock, and he would've. Only if the sudden sound of the front door swinging open and Changbin shouting about pizza didn't burst that private bubble. It startles you both. So much so that Jisung jerks out of you with a loud pop and scrambling to his feet, making you squeal in surprise.
"Shit, do you think they heard that, Ji?" you whisper hastily pulling his sheets over your body. He shoots you a glance from across the room, a grin spreading across his face. He loves that post sex afterglow radiating from you. You've never looked hotter than you do right now, all sprawled out and naked in his bed.
“Nah, I think we're okay for now. They might just think we're taking a nap like we usually do after binge watching something.” He tells you. “We should probably get dressed in case though.” You nod and when you go to get out of the bed, he stops you. “Wait, lay back. It's my mess, let me clean it up. It's the least I can do for you.”
"Alright..." you murmur, settling back onto the bed with the blanket draped over your chest, your legs parting invitingly for Jisung. Your eyes drift to the ceiling, as you await his touch, but he hesitates. "Ji, what's—"
Your words catch in your throat as you feel the brush of his hair against your thighs and his mouth on you. "Oh, God, Ji. Fuck, that's not what I had in mind," You gasp out just as he flicks his tongue over your clit.
He glances up at you, a mischievous grin playing on his lips, his lips glistening with a mixture of your shared juices. "Do you want me to stop, baby? I've got the towel right here," he offers, his tone teasing.
Your breath catches in your throat at the sight of him, pleasure pooling low in your belly. "No, don't stop," you urge softly, your voice laced with need. "Keep going. Please.”
You collapse onto the bed, feeling his head sink between your thighs. His lips and teeth graze your inner thigh, and you bite the sheets that are tightly balled up in your hands, trying to stifle any noises that might alert Chan and Changbin. When Jisung plunges his hot tongue inside of you, eating his cum and yours from your cunt like it's a five star gourmet meal, you almost let out the most pornographic sounding moan from the twirling motion of his tongue. You grab a pillow with quick hands covering your mouth so that it muffles your moans and cries.
He makes quick work in giving you another orgasm with that wicked tongue of his. You would've gladly returned the favor too if he didn't already cum in the towel that was supposed to be used for you. His mouth stayed locked on your clit while he moaned and pumped his cock into the towel. The vibration of his lips making you forget all about that thing you keep stashed in your bedside drawer at home. Yeah, Jisung eating your pussy like he was starving definitely didn't need to happen either but you're not complaining.
After getting dressed and making sure Chan and Changbin wouldn't notice anything odd, you and Jisung joined the duo and settled in for pizza, beer, and a movie. The TV casts a soft glow as some suspenseful action movie plays, but your mind is elsewhere, lost in a different kind of fantasy world. It's like your minds are synced, both drifting away from the movie. You and Jisung steal glances at each other in the dark living room, only to quickly look away.
Countless times he's caught you looking back in the direction of his room with a blush on your cheeks. He's hard just knowing that you're thinking about what happened and he wonders if you can still feel him like he can feel you. He just wants to say fuck the movie, to grab you by your wrist and drag you back to his room and fuck you again. He was actually worried that you would go through with the promise of pretending like sleeping together didn't happen but sometimes, in this case anyway, promises can be broken.
#han jisung smut#skz smut#han jisung x you#stray kids smut#han jisung drabbles#han jisung imagines#han smut#han x reader#han jisung fanfic#han jisung fanfiction#han jisung hard hours#han jisung hard thoughts#han jisung oneshot#han jisung x reader#han jisung x y/n#Han Jisung skz smut
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Bachelors (sdv) x gn!reader
Bachelors and self-harm comfort
TW mentions of Self Harm and suicidal ideation.
If you struggle with either of these, I strongly encourage you to reach out to someone and get help. You are not alone.
These are not super graphic, but definitely more graphic than my other fics if you have read those. So please read with caution.
These are all assuming you are in an established relationship.
Sam
• This was a long standing issue for you. You knew Sam would find out eventually one way or another, so you made it a point to tell him rather then him accidentally finding out.
• But when you did tell him, it was pure panic.
• He doesn't know how to help you, he didn't know how he never noticed! Does he tell anyone? Does he call anyone? Why didn't you tell him until now??
• Once he gathers himself a little bit, he asks for more details.
• He knows that you need him, and not to make it about him by breaking down.
• He starts keeping an extra eye out for if you are acting any different, or if he sees any warning signs.
• He tries really hard to be there for you, and knows he won't be perfect.
• Makes a trip to Harvey's to ask how to help 'someone' who struggles with sh and suicidal ideation.
• Harvey suggested that Sam brings that 'someone' to the clinic with him to have a little chat.
• You and Sam head down one day and you all make a plan on what to do when things get really bad.
• Mostly involves extra support, and you getting into a therapist on a semi-regular basis.
Sebastian
• Sebastian I think would be the most aware of the signs besides Harvey?
• So when he sees you avoiding him a bit, or not letting him touch you when normally you're all over him, he knows something is wrong.
• "Babe, whats up?" He gentle grabs your arm. "What's wrong? You've been acting different for a while now. Are you okay?"
• He isn't accusatory or anything when you tell him. He just pulls you into a tight hug.
• He just wants to be there for you. Self Harm is a really difficult topic, both to experience, and to witness. He tries to get to the cause of why you do it, but you honestly don't even know.
• You know you shouldn't, but sometimes it feels like all you can do.
• After talking about it for a long time, you eventually go to sleep in his arms.
• When you wake up, he already had some sort of breakfast made because he knew you'd be too tired.
• He left out some super old books about mental health he had (Aka like one from high school) and offered to look through them with you.
• Checks in with you frequently, and isn't one to dance around the topic. Yes, he handles it gently and shocking calmly, but he knows you can't avoid talking about it.
Alex
• Not going to lie, the way I see a relationship progressing (Aka kinda intense and fast paced) he would find out before intimacy.
• You were already a little nervous so you completely blanked on your old scars and relatively new self harm.
• So when he saw, you panicked, and then he panicked because you were panicking, and all around it was chaos.
• Nothing went to plan that day because you just ran to the bathroom to cry.
• ...
• He knocked on the door, "babe.. Could you come out please? We should talk about this."
• "I don't want to"
• " Babe come on." He tried the handle and it opened.
• "It's okay. You're okay. I'm not mad, now can you talk to me about this?"
• You opened up and told him everything. With Alex being the most stereotypically attractive out of all the Bachelor's, you'd be very nervous about letting him see scars.
• But he doesn't care. He thinks they are proof of how strong you are and how far you have come.
• "Babe I just want to be here for you. We don't have to rush anything. I don't care if you have scars, you're beautiful. I love you, and you will get through this."
Harvey
• Harvey finds out during your first physical.
• This I feel would be just after you started dating.
• But he asks the dreaded question of "have you had thoughts of hurting yourself or others?"
• You knew you had to tell him. No matter how awkward or emotionally taxing it got, it was important both in your relationship and for your personal health.
• So you did.
• He let his little doctor mask slip because he thought he already knew all your medical business, and that this was just a formality.
• "Dear..?" He looked so sad for you. "Why haven't you told me this?"
• Legit starts tearing up, because how on earth could you hate yourself? And to the point of hurting yourself?
• You start apologizing for not telling him sooner, "Harvey we had just started dating, I didn't want to put too much on you too soon. This is my problem to deal with!"
• And then he takes a few deep breaths, and collects himself to do this in a more professional manner.
• "My love, you do not have to go through this alone. I need you to tell me if you ever feel like.. hurting yourself. Okay? Call me. Call the clinic. Get me if I'm home. I will be there for you."
• "Even if we weren't dating, I would still be there for you! So no matter how much I care for you, because I so deeply care for you, this is my job."
• Sets you up with a therapist in the city, because he knows that even if you know you can talk to him, it's good to have a non-personal professional to be able to talk to.
Shane
• You helped him, now it was his turn to help you.
• Found out a morning he woke up early and you forgot to close the bathroom door. Not a fun scene to wake up to.
• I don't want to say he got angry, but he shouted,
• "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"
• It was more out of sheer panic and distress rather than anger.
• You panicked, dropped everything, and basically burst into tears on the spot apologizing.
• Then he freaked out even more because he yelled at you and ran to give you a tight hug.
• Shane tried to calm you down, but it took a really long time to get you to stop hyperventilating.
• Eventually, he helped you clean everything up, and although it was really hard for you, he took you to Harvey's.
• Shane knew that he wouldn't be able to give you all the help you needed, he was still recovering himself.
• But he tries really hard to help, the same way you do with him.
• He helped you set up going to a therapist. You go to the same office as he does.
• He will be there for you every step of the way. Won't let you go.
• He truly understands, and just wants the both of you to feel better.
Elliott
• He would feel guilty for not noticing the signs.
• "My love..?" He is just so confused when he sees. "My love what did you do?"
• Doesn't exactly panic but is just dumbfounded. How could you hate yourself? How could you not like yourself? Why on earth..?
• He helps you clean up, though is a little queezy with blood.
• He would keep himself relatively strong in front of you, but you hear him crying for you when he thinks you're asleep.
• He is there for you, he asks Leah because he trusts her (though would not actually bring up your name. Would make it under the guise of a situation in his book)
• He wouldn't invade your privacy. But he just would check with you a lot more.
• He loves you, and just wants to see you love yourself.
An* Once again, if you struggle with self harm or suicidal ideation, please reach out for help. Helplines and resources are a quick Google away for your area. You are not alone. I promise things will get better.
Masterlist
#stardew valley#stardew valley x reader#sdv#sdv alex#sdv elliott#sdv harvey#sdv shane#sdv sam#sdv sebastian#tw self h4rm#tw s3lf harm#tw selfhate#tw
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IM THE PERSON WHO WAS TALKING ABOUT THINGS HAVE GOTTEN WORSE SINCE WE LAST SPOKE A FEW DAYS AGO And i agree about how sad it is that most queer horror authors i dont vibe with. do you have any you DO like? im always on the lookout for more and from what i’ve seen of your book taste on here we have pretty similar taste in books. can be any genre of horror tbh im not picky
hehehe yes i'd love to give u some recommendations! though if i'm being honest i really haven't found that many authors in the genre that i really vibe with yet. im still on the hunt... may leitz is probably the only one i can recommend that is kinda in the same vein as the "popular" ones, but Leitz is someone who i think does well balancing the extreme aspects of it with characters that are actually interesting and sympathetic to read (as opposed to just one-dimensional cannon fodder for random violence)
i don't know if any of these authors actually refer to themselves as "queer horror" authors nor do i know with certainty if all of them are a part of the lgbt community, but um. well i like their books. these also all aren't strictly about the characters identity; some focus more on it than others so i'll just say it's horror + lgbt characters.
i'll start with extreme horror:
fluids by may leitz - this will be the most extreme book i recommend, and i've talked about it a few times before. it's about two women, named Dahlia and Lauren, who meet on tinder during the pandemic, and after only a few days of talking Lauren takes it upon herself to drive to Dahlia's hometown and try and "save" her. things escalate, and the two women's paths diverge. cw: extreme violence and gore, rape, incest (the two girls pretend to be related), emetophobia, suicide, eating disorder, murder, literally everything you can think of. this is Extreme Horror, and i wouldn't recommend this one for anyone that's not already familiar with the genre.
girl flesh by may leitz - while i didn't like this one as much as fluids, i'm just a fan of may leitz's writing in general so i'd still recommend it. this one has a bit of a pacing problem & does a lot of telling rather than showing, but i like the direction leitz takes this one in the end. i've talked about this one before too so you might remember me rambling about it. this one is about two women who are kidnapped and wake up restrained in a dirty hotel in the middle of the texas mesa. they work together to escape their captors as well as the wild mesa and maybe even fall in love a little bit on the way. cw: extreme violence, gore, transphobia/deadnaming, eating disorder, emetophobia, self-harm, rape. this one isn't as extreme as fluids but i'd still be cautious with it.
to be devoured by sara tantlinger - this one is a short novella you can read in one sitting. Andi really really really wants to know what carrion tastes like. she's fascinated by the vultures that circle the edge of her property, but her fascination soon turns to obsession, and Andi will stop at nothing to learn their secrets. cw: blood consumption, cannibalism, violence and gore, very graphic animal harm and animal death
okay now the rest are just more general horror:
house of hunger by alexis henderson - loosely based on the legend of Elizabeth of Bathory, this story takes place in a society that runs on blood. Marion travels to the House of Hunger to begin her term as a bloodmaid under Countess Lisavet, who has a mysterious ailment that renders her weak and bedbound unless she has a constant flow of blood to treat it. Marion gets to know the other bloodmaids, and in time begins to realize not all is as it seems at the House of Hunger. cw: blood consumption, violence, abusive relationships/gaslighting, death
alexis henderson has also written the year of the witching, and she just announced an academy for liars. i really like her writing so i plan to check out her other work soon-ish.
apparitions by adam pottle - again i talked about this one recently so you may have seen it already, but i NEED more people to read this book. this follows the story of a young man who was born deaf and raised in an abusive household until he was able to escape as a teenager, only to be institutionalized immediately after. there he meets another deaf teen, and for the first time in his life, he has a language that he can speak with and can finally be understood. cw: child abuse, institutionalization, homophobia, abusive relationship, ableism, violence, death, religious trauma, animal harm and animal death.
the luminous dead by caitlin starling - gyre price is a lone caver swaddled inside a hi-tech suit that allows her to dive deep underground to map mineral deposits off-planet. however, the person on the other end of the suit has other plans, and easily takes control of gyre and her suit, putting the two at odds with each other as gyre spirals into uncertainty and paranoia while also having to deal with the terrifying presence of the tunneler. cw: claustrophobia, death, forced drugging, violence, gore, abusive/toxic relationship
caitlin starling also has a few other books though i haven't gotten around to reading them yet and i honestly haven't heard much about them so i can't say how they compare, but the luminous dead is one of my favorites of all time.
the Sworn Soldier series by T. Kingfisher - i love these books, they're just short fun horror stories with a really charming main character. Alex Easton is a retired soldier from Gallacia, and has their own special pronouns in Gallacian (kan/kanself) as part of their occupation and culture, and is what we would consider nonbinary (not all soldiers identify this way, but Alex does). vicars in Gallacia use van/vanself, there are different pronouns for children and adults, etc. i think it's just really interesting and i enjoy what the author has done with the worldbuilding and language, and how seamlessly it fits into her writing. the first book is a retelling of the fall of the house of usher (and is the stronger of the two) while the second one has Alex returning home to Gallacia and facing off with an old Gallacian superstition that's haunting their family cottage.
again i don't really know how T. Kingfisher/Ursula Vernon personally identifies but i do recommend her writing regardless, she's written other horror books as well as some fantasy books & she's just incredibly skilled imo, easy and fun to read.
most of my TBR that i'm working towards is horror so maybe i'll update this post later with more.... i'm currently reading providence girls by morgan dante and into the drowning deep by mira grant.
morgan dante has a few other books that are all some flavor of gothic horror/romance and i'm very excited for their new book that just came out TODAY that's a carmilla/elizabeth of bathory reimagining. i'm planning on reading that Immediately (i preordered it) so i'll report back for it and once i finish providence girls, too.
the next few books on my TBR that are all lgbt + horror:
The Seep by Chana Porter
Thirst by Marina Yuszczuk
A Dowry of Blood & An Education in Malice, both by S.T. Gibson
Little Rot by Akwaeke Emezi (i think this one is a thriller actually and also isnt out yet but whatever. i recommend this author, they genre-hop a lot & have a decent amount of work published already)
Sorrowland by Rivers Solomon
and of course i always recommend looking up content warnings if you need to especially for the last few since i haven't read them myself and can't vouch for them just yet. but ummm hopefully you see something you like 😭 i'll stop yapping <3
#sorry i do favor f/f pairings or sapphic characters in books and thats kinda obvious here lmfao#anyways. thanks for enabling me to talk about books <3#i really want to read the seep ive been dying to get to it. nyehilism recommend it to me mwah#into the drowning deep is beating my ass i WILL finish it today so i can move on#i'll probably post about it here once i finish i have Thots about it already#oh also i just looked and caitlin starling's newest book is under st martin's press which is being boycotted atm#so that's probably why i havent seen anything#the luminous dead is under harper voyager tho#ask#anonymous#long post
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Are you okay?
No, not really ngl.
Two extremely hypocritical people ( @redtailfatfish & @transfemmes ) have been riding my ass based on lies for the past few days, I had to cut off a longterm friend of 6+ years because she used me as a figurehead to harass people and someone who is a more obsessive freak than I could've imagined is trying to convince a majority of my friends, mutuals and my side of tungle I blamed them for their CSA while under the same breath they've mocked mine, repeatedly.
Someone, probably Jack has been roleplaying as me to get people to purposely break my boundaries so almost everyone in their circle can do. something. I don't know. I'm so anal or paranoid about people screenshotting me because people on here have put my face onto CP before, or edited my skin white or just edited my messages to say the most vile shit possible.
I've been saying this for weeks. I don't care about Jack, I barely know Jack. I may not like her but I wouldn't go out of my way to mock her trauma or blame her for it, something she can't do to me apparently. In the messages sent, I wasn't sure if the entire situation was true and Jack phrased it as if she was blaming herself if anything.
All I heard was that Jack lied about her teacher committing suicide, nothing about her being in any sort of inappropriate relationship with him. On my end, I thought it was a crush and a kid during 2016 being overdramatic.
Nobody said at any point she was in the wrong for being abused, nobody knew it was abuse because of the minimal information we had about anything involving it and the conversation moved on later on to something else.
All the information we had was that one person said she had a crush on he teacher and she used to write fanfic about him. Most kids have crushes on their teachers, at least I and a few friends did growing up. Since everyone was 15-16 around that time we mostly didn't know what grooming was, and we only knew one part of the story from someone else Jack tormented and hurt badly.
Never, ever would I blame a victim for being abused by someone who holds power over them when I'm a victim of CSA myself and have attempted to get a profession that stops predators from continuing to hurt others.
I've been running away from two different stalkers for the past maybe 6 years and nobody takes them seriously for one reason or another or they outright dismiss all of my trauma with them because of one reason or another. Mostly it's just personal bias.
This entire time I've been begging Sunny and Jack to respect my boundaries (not talking about me, taking screenshots or mentioning my family) and to just leave me alone.
If Jack wants to lie and ignore the fact she spammed my friends (I have no access to the blog and it blocked it from my main, @haupkmn and they will occasionally reblog things from me that I can't see in my notifications) with very, very graphic self harm pics and dozens of threats about my family.
By no means do I want to "silence" anyone nor do I think "doxxing" Jack was right. It wasn't right of me to ask someone else in the chat for any information on how to get a restraining order, even with public information.
By some means or another I thought it was "even ground" since she's admitted to downloading videos of me trying to find where I work, after shes contacted two of my jobs already to harass them and lie about me.
I want a restraining order or a non-contact order. I want her AWAY from me. I want Sunny, who keeps joking about the accident that forced me into a wheelchair for life and made DISGUSTING comments about the woman who raised me who's sexually abused to stop talking about me.
Even when all of this that's happened, I will still repeat again and again that I'm in the wrong and my actions weren't okay. I never said they were and I'm not proud of them, even with Jack manipulating the situation to her advantage for pity points when there's several screenshots of her admitting to getting my family's contact info via a third party and mailing things to them.
I'm asking to be left alone because my sibling figure got dragged into this, and people are going out of their way to harass my IRL friends and family. Tbh I doubt anyone's going to read this and will just say "wow that's crazy" or accuse me of yapping but. I'm not innocent. Please leave me alone.
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humans can only clothe themselves with animal organs! dogs are only socially fulfilled by humans! im very smart!
You don't appear to be, but I guess everyone's entitled to their (idiot) opinions...
Anyway, this gives me a good excuse to summarise why I have a problem with animal rights movements, namely the fact that they have absolutely no respect for humans.
You clowns feel like it's morally correct to troll people on the internet because we disagree with you (you obviously know it's not, otherwise why hide your username?) You think bullying, marginalising, and threatening violence against people is okay if it means you prove your point, even in the face of mountains of evidence that demonstrates how wrong you are.
The people who advocate for an end to all forms of animal 'exploitation', by and large, aren't people who interact with animals on a daily basis. They're not people who are directly involved in the care of farm animals, the protection of wildlife, or the training and breeding of pets. They're not people who have ever hunted grouse, butchered a pig, or tanned a moose hide. That level of removal from interspecies relationships leads to a lot of unrealistic and absolutely false beliefs about animals and how we engage with them.
Take the people who claim you grind up bees to get honey, or who believe shearing a sheep and skinning a sheep are the same thing (with wasn't a fringe idea, that was put forward by PETA). It's easy to prove these extreme examples false, but lots of people still believe them. How many other things do you not understand about animals because you've never been close enough to them to learn? How many more lies is your cause selling you to gain support, that you don't know better than to believe?
And what's the best way to drum up unquestioning support from people who don't know better? You make them angry.
That unjustified rage, fuelled by pictures of cute baby animals and graphic gore, is usually directed at people who are already marginalised.
I've heard animal rights extremists suggest that independent farmers (my family included) should be sentenced to life in prison for owning and managing livestock.
I've read articles flippantly suggesting that Inuit communities above the arctic circle, living below the poverty line, should be forced to ship vegetables thousands of kilometers (using fossil fuels) at great expense, because their health and ability to afford basic necessities is less important than the lives of a few sustainably hunted seals.
I've watched protesters screaming slurs hold signs that called for Indigenous people to be hunted for sport over a legal, humanely undertaken, and culturally vital whale hunt. That hunt was postponed several times, because extremists (who claimed they were there to preserve life) tried to capsize sea canoes full of people.
It takes almost nothing to push the animal rights movement to violent racism, class warfare, and abuses of human rights. Where does that hatred come from? How can you care about any kind of life when you meet the concerns of human beings who tell you you're hurting them with dehumanising mental gymnastics and vicious attacks?
So why should I indulge this bullshit? Why would I trust the opinions of people who who have no experience with animals over my own lived experience? Why would I care what your lot think, when you'd happily let people I care about die to uphold your faulty belief that humans are somehow better than nature and can opt out of our relationships with other species on a whim?
If anyone wants sources they can ask for them off anon. Otherwise google it like a big kid. It takes literally 30 seconds to verify that animal rights extremists do more harm (to people and animals) than good.
#animal rights#or you know an excuse to treat humans you dont like as trash#because they both shake out to the same thing#if animals could talk theyd also tell you peta is bullshit#racism#violence#indigenous peoples#indigenous rights#any indigenous group working on conservation projects is probably doing more for animal welfare#than all the vegans yelling about how honey exploits the labor of bees#any group youre targetting with this shit has a system figured out to take care of the species they utilise#the vegans are at it again#gimme a soapbox motherfucker ive always got a speech prepared#ask#anons who think theyre making a point
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CONTENT WARNING: SELF HARM
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For week 4: Text and Image, I wanted to get a bit personal with my thoughts, beliefs, motivations and avolitions.
For my first idea i thought of having two naked people holding hands above the centre of the page, heads leaning away from each other with a leg bowed each in opposite directions and other hands outstretched in a dance like pose. Their faces would be hanging off and their outstretched hand also having its skin coming off, with the words "We are Naught but Meat". While it is a disturbing thought, i find it quite a sobering one in an acceptance of life and death sort of way. Its almost as if it relieves pressure from what i do and as i mention in previous weeks, i have problems with putting too much pressure on myself, so if im nothing but meat then whats stopping me from enjoying my time before i begin to rot. The idea for this came from a Youtuber called nyx fears, I blame her for my current mental state in a positive way because listening to her talk about horrendous things feels like a collective grief of the ways we used to think. While i don't reccomend watching her talk about disturbing media, she has many horror movie reviews that i can reccomend.
For my final idea (shown below) it came from a spur of the moment epiphany that i can translate any negative emotions i am feeling in the moment into drawing. At the time of making this piece i had the urge to hurt myself more than i have done in years and it felt unbearable. The drawings i created captures the emotion of wanting to cut (personally). It is graphic and i imagine triggering to others who have dealt with self harm but it felt so freeing to let confront my demons so to speak.
For the first drawing I added the sentence "Our Emotions Get the Better of us Sometimes, Thats Human" as i am a firm believer in humanity in a personal sense. I believe everything people do is a part of coming to terms with our own existence and sometimes we let our emotions and personal lives bleed into our professional work (as signified posthumously with this piece and critically looking at my own raw feelings). People cope in different ways, some more healthy than others, but i also believe that humans as a species is not well equipped with the crushing weight that sentience brings and because of this i hope that we can come to accept each other.
The addition of the "thoughts, beliefs, motivations and avolitions." on the second drawing came about during my idea generation of what i wanted to say going out of hand and creating so many sentences that resonated with me, so i recorded all of them with another reflection of my own self harming thoughts.
And finally i wanted to finish on a quick positive note with the inclusion of the thing thats currently bringing me the most joy, some cheap breast forms i purchased with the words "a lifeline takes many forms" which is an unintentional play on words, it was only a quick drawing but it helped calm me down after letting out my emotions for a few hours so i thought i would include it in my final submission.
Due to it being so personal, the topic of mental health means a lot to me. So the last thing i want others to take away from these drawings is shock value, i do not wish to offend anyone with this depiction. This is a personal piece so i understand if this is upsetting to others and thats also okay. This was my personal way of coping and i thought that capturing and immortalising itself to me as one of the first things i submitted to my falmouth course, an important piece of me that i can finally externalise after years of feeling constricted While i don't think i have properly put how much this piece means to me in words i am proud of the fact that i made it. (Also i used pen in my art for the first time, its permanence scares me).
Completed 14th October 2022
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Chapters: 6/?
Fandom: The Shannara Chronicles (TV)
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: Ander Elessedil/OC, Others added as they show up
Characters: Ander Elessedil, Edain - Character, Catania (Shannara), Amberle Elessedil, Wil Ohmsford, Eretria (Shannara), Allanon (Shannara), Mareth (Shannara), Kael Pindanon
Additional Tags: OCs out the ying yang, Anomalie hates season 2 and so should you, Myth likes politics and conniving matriarchs who mostly mean well, The Pindanons as political powerhouses, everyone has baggage, do not copy to another site, Do not post to another site, Self-Harm, but for blood magic reasons not psychological reasons, relevant notes at the beginning of chapter 6
Summary:
Even a year after the demon war, nothing is easier. Sometimes it seems like nobody wants it to be.
(Season 2 what if with OCs and all the politics we can stuff in)
#myth writes#the shannara chronicles#shannara chronicles fic#self-harm#on a technicality#please look at the tags#there is nothing graphic but we don't want anyone harmed in any way#and yes this is an update#anomalous writing
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Moments of Despair #1 [Genshin Impact/Diluc x Reader]
Synopsis: “The man who was on fire and realized it too late.”
(A series of works where the boys deal with the passing of their beloved).
Albedo's despair
Warnings: angst, tragedy, major character death, graphic depictions of violence perhaps
(A/n): Had these ideas for a while after reading @/serensama To Mourn series of another fandom. So much sorrow and feeling I just was inspired to write 😫
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The moment you fell lifeless in Diluc's arms, he wanted to disappear.
It was raining again, he had always despised the rain. How it trickles down the slope of your cheek, like tears falling from the heavens. The sight of it mixing with your blood creating a thin stream of red rivers flowing beside him. They patter down obnoxiously because time didn't care, the gods don't care, the world didn't care. You were just a small fragile person to their eyes but to him you were his light. A candle that used to shine in his dark world was now dissipitated by the waters of reality.
Many droplets have passed and he was still holding you. Diluc could do nothing but stare. He hadn't shed any tears nor could he make a coherent sound. Perhaps it was because his tears have long run out when his father was held in the very same way. Or it was because he was heartless. He's usually told for being cold and indifferent. But the pain clenching in his chest was proof that he still had one (proof that it was still beating), much to his dismay. It would be better if he didn't.
So why can't he just look away? Your wounds, your bruised features, everything now etched so deep into the back of his conciousness that is was starting to awaken his worst nightmares. They were the source of the bile growing in his stomach. The irony stench filling up his nostrils felt so sickening. He couldn't turn away. You're dead. You're dead. You're dead. As if reality had yet to register, or maybe he refused to accept it, Diluc helplessly gazed down your body with blank and empty eyes.
"Master Diluc..."
Jean's voice called out to him pitifully. He rises up with his back turned, ignoring the stares given to him, "Leave. The knights of favonius are not needed here."
"But she's a Mondstadt citizen," The anemo user retorts, slightly taken aback by his impassive reaction, "It's my responsibility to ensure this case doesn't go unnoticed."
Unnoticed. Diluc scoffs in his mind, what a tasteless joke.
"It seems you weren't listening," he announces as his head was turned ajar so they could see the deep hatred glowing red in his eyes, "Leave. Now."
Jean's lips trembled before barely being able to say, "Alright" and retreating her knights back to the city. Kaeya narrows his gaze at his bother, the sorrow was evident through his pupils. He steps forward until he was arms length away from his brother. Too little too late, another failure was added to the belt.
Kaeya was a man of many words but for once he was at loss of what to say. No underhanded suggestions, no ideas taunting him to spill his thoughts, he simply asks Diluc, "What are you planning to do now?"
Silence. Kaeya couldn't predict what sort of expression his brother was making as he looks at your corpse. It brought a heavy weight of unsettlement upon him and here he thought he had already grown used to his brother's quietness.
Slowly, he turns around while letting the water pour down his face. Kaeya tightens his jaw as Diluc drags his feet towards him, stopping when their shoulders were parallel, "It's none of your concern."
"You're just going to leave her here?"
There was a slight pause which was enough of an answer. The Cavalry Captain sighs when he watched him walk away, what was the point of asking when Kaeya knew Diluc so well? He glances at your form before swiftly shutting his eyes.
It was his concern.
-------
A week later, the staff of the Ragnvindr household could hardly recognize their Master's appearance. They knew not to bother him when he decides to lock himself in his chambers. Diluc drowns himself with work from hours to no end as he connects the findings of the person that took your life. As expected, it was one of his enemies- a fatui member. The question was, which one?
"Master Diluc, I beg of you, please take care of yourself," Elzer pleads.
The pyro user didn't bother to spare him a glance or look at the tray of food he carried.
Food...you always brought them whenever he had to work overtime.
"I do not remember specifiying anyone to be allowed in my office," he voices aloud, "If it's related to business affairs simply leave that with Adelinde and I'll take a look at it tomorrow."
"I understand. But you've been working all day and night yet refusing to take any breaks in between. At this rate, you'll harm your health."
The feather pen in his grip kept dragging it's course, "This is beyond the duties assigned to you Elzer."
"That's because it was a request sent by your father," he adds, knowing that stepping over his boundaries may cost him, "If Master Crepus was still here, I'm sure he would have said the same thing."
Taking a deep breath, Elzer lays out his last card, "And also your wife."
The pen slows into a halt.
No one had brought you up until now. Elzer anxiously watches his Master shifting in his seat, his red bangs covering half of his face but he could still see the frown pressing firmly on his lips. It wouldn't be a surprise if Diluc suddenly bursted at him for mentioning such a sensitive topic, all that matters was his master's well being and Elzer was willing to risk everything for it. But nothing. Diluc turns his attention ever so slightly at the tray he carried.
"Fine, but I'm not eating that."
"What? Wasn't this was her favourite-"
"Do I need to repeat myself?"
Elzer furrows his brows before sighing, "...No, Master Diluc."
He exits the room while carrying the fresh dish of Once Upon A Mondstadt that you loved so much. The door closes with a soft click and he was alone again.
People found it strange how Diluc seemed so vacant to your passing. He didn't even show up at your funeral. Instead, he continues his duties as a Mondstadt nobleman like usual while taking care of business matters associated with the winery. Except those who were close to him could see the difference in his actions. Apathy, he was so mechanical in every task he did. Like a marionette attatched on strings, a doll without a soul. After all, his soul died the moment when yours did too. What remains was a shadow of Diluc and a being existing solely for revenge and duty. He was nothing but a remnant.
Fatigue begins to wash over him and he fights to stay awake. Because once he gives in it will all be over. Once he closes his eyes, he would see your face with a multitude of images from the past. He would hear your voice calling out his name from a distant space as it echoes off the walls of his mind. He would fall into a dream where you were still with him and as always, waking up to see that it was never real.
I should have pushed you away.
Because what hurt Diluc the most wasn't that you were gone, rather, it was how you were still here.
Then you'd still be-
Something breaks and it turned out to be the pen he was holding so tightly. Only now Diluc realized how fast his heart was thrumming as beads of sweat began rolling down his forehead. Focus. Don't waste time. He won't grant himself the liberty of anything when your murderer was still on the run. Every wound they inflicted on you was going to be returned in tenfold. He'll make sure of it. That's why, he refuses to think about you at all. Diluc occupies his mind with other matters since at this point, work was the only efficient method of keeping his sanity in tact.
She needs you to focus.
The door opens and Kaeya enters the room while holding a document, "We found the guy."
His reaction was immediate, "Where?"
"Hm, now that we meet, it's actually quite debateable," The captain notes wryly, "When was the last time you've gotten proper rest?"
"I don't have time for this, either you tell me or I'll do it by force."
Kaeya couldn't help but sigh, "Apologies but you don't seem to be in any state for a fight. I'm sure you know how it would end up if you were to face your enemy right now."
"..."
"Diluc, this isn't healthy," Kaeya asserts, it's been a while since he sounded so sincere, "I'm not here to prevent you from doing what's necessary however, perhaps it would be better if I finished it in your stead."
"No," Diluc stubbornly answers, "Hand that over."
"...Heh, then there's really nothing I can do to stop you it seems," he whispers with a sad smile, "At the very least, be careful."
"I intend to," The pyro user snatches the paper parchment out of Kaeya's hands before opening the window, "Also, if Elzer returns, tell him there's a few errands I have to take care of."
The night was a full moon and the sky was empty, Diluc leaps off the edge and disappears into the darkness. There was no telling of what could happen next. Since you weren't here, it was up to Kaeya to watch over him.
-------
The claymore dropped to the ground with a clang as it soaks up the blood of the fatui he just killed.
Diluc was tired, so tired.
He slumps down against the wall from pure exhaustion, all that adrenaline and hatred went up in fumes, leaving behind whatever was left in his heart: nothing. Two hours, not even that far from Mondstadt, the fatui hid in an abandoned building as he cowarded for his life. When Diluc arrived, he never expected this monster to be so weak. This was the person who murdered you? A pathetic nobody that was simply following orders? This was the reason why he lost you forever?
In the end, the only one to blame was himself, for being weak and unable to protect you. He was supposed to be your hero ("Darknight hero," you'd always tease), the rock that shields you just as you had been the warmth he longed for many years, did he give you enough? Was this enough? He thought avenging your death would grant him a peace of mind and the justice you deserved but deep down, he knew it will never be enough when it comes to his love for you.
"Diluc."
He closes his eyes, he hears your voice. He was so tired, it wouldn't be a surprise if he started hallucinating.
"Diluc."
"I'm sorry..."
The man lets out a trembled breath as he apologized to the image of you in his mind. I'm sorry I failed you. They were repeated like a mantra in hopes to reach you somehow. Of course that was impossible, his feelings, his emotions, love and sorrow altogether will never reach you again. And your arms that once comforted him and brushed his hair with a soothing voice, saying everything will be okay, where are they now?
"Diluc."
"Stop," he didn't want to hear your voice.
"Diluc, I'm here."
"Stop..."
"Diluc..."
He jolts his eyes open and lets out a yell, what was he saying? He doesn't know. All he needed now was to drown out the fake voices mocking in his head. Diluc grabs the nearest object and shatters it against the floor, the dam was broken and it flooded uncontrollably, breaking everything in it's way. The abandoned house was filled with loud cries of a man sobbing with agony like a broken-hearted child. He crumbles to his knees and falls to his side, lifting his forearms while clutching his face.
And screamed.
Archons, what did he do to deserve this? Why do the people he cherish get taken away from him? Diluc never wanted to be the Darknight hero if it meant having his father perish in his arms. He didn't want the feeling of stabs against his chest with every breath he took. He didn't want to feel cold while knowing it was because you weren't here to hold him. He didn't want your voice, your pictures or your memory.
He wanted you.
"(Y/n)..." he chokes. Rolling to his back, Diluc moves his arms to cover his eyes, letting the tears run down to his ears, "(Y/n)..."
For who knows how long, he lays there in the abandoned building and mourns. Diluc doesn't have the strength to move from his position, he found himself staring mindlessly through the cracks of the roof when his voice had gone hoarse. The corners of his eyes still burned and his head was throbbing with so much pain. Maybe he should just stay here but the thought of being in the same room as your murderer was unfathomable.
Picking up his claymore once again, Diluc drags himself out of the door. Where would he go? It's not like he had a home to return to because home was when he was with you. A doll without a soul, the marionette moves as if the strings have commanded him to do so. Where ever it takes him, he didn't care. He just knew he had to go.
#genshin impact#genshin impact headcanons#genshin impact x reader#genshin impact scenarios#diluc ragnvindr#diluc#diluc x reader#jean gunnhildr#genshin impact diluc#genshin impact jean#kaeya alberich#Kaeya#genshin impact kaeya#genshin impact angst#genshin impact imagines#genshin imagines#genshin headcanons#genshin x reader#tragedy#nya-writes
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MAGIC SHOP | JJK (07)
Description: You and Jungkook were best friends who were in love with each other. What would happen when Soojin, your half sister who you’re trying to impress, told you she’s in love with Jungkook too?
Alternatively:
“Would you believe me if I said that I was scared of everything too?”
Genre: childhood best friends to lovers, family drama, angst, fluff, idiots to lovers, pining, slice of life au.
Pairing: Architect!Jungkook x Architect!Reader
Word Count: 2.5k
Warnings: homophobia (Tae’s family is insisting he can’t be gay)
SERIES: CHAPTER 6 | CHAPTER 8
CHAPTER’S OST: Fix You covered by BTS
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
You closed your eyes the moment you heard the first line of the song.
When you get what you want but not what you need
Your heart was thumping, unable to bottle up the emotions that had been eating you for months now.
One year and seven months, to be exact.
You left Seoul, your hometown, nineteen months ago.
"Why can't we just eat at home?" Taehyung groaned, clearly not happy with how things were going right now.
You shrugged because you also didn't know why Yoongi and Jimin decided to have dinner at Per Se, a fine dining restaurant, tonight.
Did they forget that you and your brother were broke? The both of you couldn't live life like you once did in Korea.
Life in the city that never sleeps was different. You still had a job, but you were no longer an architect, deciding that it was best to pursue graphic designing instead.
You worked from eight to five pm in an office now. Gone were the days you visited construction sites. What you created at your current job were images, logos and even diagrams.
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
You loved your job, unfortunately your compensation was not enough to keep you going, making you feel like you were:
Stuck in reverse
Your salary was barely enough to cover your rent and utilities expenses. Jimin, your roommate, knew this so he lent you his car, the same car Taehyung was driving at this moment.
You didn't want to borrow your roommate's car at first, but Jimin insisted, saying that he had a new car and that he didn't know what to do with the old one.
Jimin didn't want to sell it. He was a very sentimental person and the car was actually a gift from his parents.
So he let you use it. You were special to Jimin. He wouldn't mind that you and your brother were using something that he loved.
"Fuck it. I'm going home," Taehyung announced, suddenly turning right.
Your eyes widened, ready to scold him.
But you didn't. Now when—
And the tears come streaming down your face
—he was crying.
You gasped, but you quickly pursed your lips into a thin line. You also looked outside the window of the car, refusing to look at your brother.
You didn't want him to feel like you were prying or that you felt bad for him. No. Taehyung didn't appreciate empathy. For him, it was just the kinder version of pity.
He didn't need you or anyone to feel bad for him as it would only make him feel like his decision was wrong.
When you lose something, you can't replace
When Taehyung moved back here in New York, he lost something that he could never replace: his family in Seoul.
You remembered why your brother lost contact with the Kims. It happened almost two years ago.
"I'll just change," was your excuse so that you could get out of the dining area and also because you knew Jungkook would follow you.
You had to talk to him.
You had to remind him again not to tell anyone in your family that you and him were dating.
You thought it would only be for the meantime; however, you changed your mind after your father explained why he wanted Soojin and Jungkook to get married.
It was for Castle, the company your mother, Taemin, and Jong-in all built together.
How could you let the empire fall?
Apart from this, you saw how Soojin looked at your boyfriend. She loved him. Maybe more than you could ever love Jungkook.
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
You didn't want Jungkook's love to go to waste. You didn't deserve him. He deserved Soojin, someone who could love him dearly.
"Jungkook, as we are saying—" Sin-ae tried to open the conversation again the moment you disappeared from the scene.
Your best friend cut Sin-ae off though. You were right. Jungkook was going to follow you.
"W-Wait! Jungkook! Where are you going?" Sin-ae panicked, getting up so she could follow Jungkook.
Sin-ae could tell that this situation was starting to upset her daughter. Soojin was gritting her teeth, tears filled her eyes.
"Mom. Let Jungkook be." Taehyung said, stopping Sin-ae from running after your best friend. He just knew Jungkook's going to go to you. You and him clearly needed some time alone.
"No. I still have something to say to that boy!"
"It can wait." Taehyung clenched his fist. "I have something to say to you too. It can't wait."
"What is it?"
Taehyung had the undivided attention of his mother now. Admittedly, every member of his family was focused on him, waiting.
Taehyung gulped.
It was now or never.
"I'm gay."
Could it be worse?
Was telling his family about his sexual orientation the worst thing that could happen tonight?
Maybe.
It was the worst because he didn't think this through. It just happened. It was the only way he could think of to stop them from meddling with your relationship with Jungkook.
"You're what?" Taemin's jaw ticked, eyes turning dark as he turned to his third born son.
Lights will guide you home
Taehyung's heart skipped a beat. He was nervous but he didn't regret anything. He was certain that the truth would guide him towards light.
And ignite your bones
He would be free after this night.
"Taehyung..." Sin-ae held onto the head of the chair, grasping for support. She felt like she was going to faint.
This night was stressing her out so much.
"A-Are you sure? I-I..." Sin-ae swallowed hard. She was shaking. Soojin caressed her mother's hand.
"What if you're just confused? Have you dated women before—"
"Yes. I dated seven women. All didn't work out."
"B-But..." Sin-ae tried speaking again, however she trailed off.
Taehyung shrugged upon seeing her mother's expression. He continued eating his food as if nothing happened.
"Sorry it came out of blue. I didn't want to shock you, but seeing how this dinner turned out, I didn't really have a choice but to tell you."
"What do you mean by that?" Namjoon creased his forehead, he obviously didn't like what his younger brother was implying.
"Well, it seems to me that you all know about the engagement party, but you still didn't budge even when it's clear that Jungkook doesn't want to marry Soojin."
Taehyung shrugged before speaking again.
"I don't want to go through the same thing, I guess? I don't want you all to suddenly force me to marry some rich girl. But! If it's a rich guy, I might just agree—"
"Kim Taehyung!" Taemin's voice was like a thunder when he cut off what his third born son was saying.
And I will try to fix you
"Stop your nonsense right now!" Taemin shouted, as if it was going to fix something, as if shouting would suddenly change Taehyung's preference.
"Ouch, dad!" Taehyung pouted, clutching his chest. "Don't be mean. This is not nonsense. This is me telling you the truth about myself..."
The third born son was trying to joke around, thinking that it would at least calm his family.
"I like boys, dad. I let them do me—"
Taemin abruptly stood up. He was holding a table knife, ready to attack Taehyung.
"I said shut up!"
"Yeobo!" Sin-ae hugged her husband.
Seokjin and Namjoon stepped up too, protecting their brother.
"Father, you are overreacting." Seokjin said, hiding Taehyung behind him.
"My son tells me he's a faggot and you're telling me to calm down, huh, Kim Seokjin!?"
"There is nothing wrong with being gay, father. What's wrong is harming people just because of their sexuality." Namjoon said this, touching the hinge of his eyeglasses to stop it from slipping down his nose.
Taehyung's brothers never defied their father, but they would never stand still if Taemin did something to hurt any member of their family, except you. Seokjin and Namjoon didn't care about you.
"It's okay, hyung. You don't have to defend me." Taehyung smiled at his brothers before switching his gaze at Taemin.
"Tell me, father. If I don't 'stop this ‘nonsense,' what would you do to me?"
"I will disown you." Taemin snarled, pushing Sin-ae away from him. "You won't receive anything from me."
"Ah, you will disinherit me. I see..." Taehyung smiled, though his heart was breaking apart. "Okay, then. I will make things easier for you."
"Yah! Kim Taehyung, what are you talking about?" Soojin glared at her brother. She wanted to slap him. He was being stubborn!
"Well, father can't disinherit me, his legitimate heir, just because he wants to. But like what I've said, I'm gonna make it easy for him." Taehyung slightly raised his shoulders. "I'm disclaiming my inheritance. I'd rather be broke than have a homophobic father."
Taemin was about to attack Taehyung, but Sin-ae hugged him once more.
The corner of Taehyung's mouth quirked up as he placed his car keys and card on the table, a proof that he would not take anything from his father anymore.
"Don't worry. I will also pay back everything you spent on me since I was a child." Taehyung bowed down. "Thank you for everything. Goodbye."
And high up above or down below
You blinked back to reality after remembering the reason why Taehyung left his family. The way he told you that story made you feel like you were there when it happened.
But you weren't.
You were busy breaking your own heart.
When you're too in love to let it go
You went straight out of the mansion after mumbling an excuse to your family.
"Hey..." Jungkook followed you, grabbing your wrist.
"I told you not to tell them." You twisted your hand, a not so subtle way of asking him to let you go. His palm was hot, but it was causing you to shiver. You didn't want to be touched by him.
"I didn't—"
"You almost did." You snarled, becoming more frustrated as time passed. "You broke your promise to me."
"Tiger..." Jungkook called softly, trying to hold your hand again.
You walked away, as if you were too scared to stand closer to him. You were. You didn't trust yourself when you were around him. It was like you wanted to just bury your face in his neck. You knew Jungkook felt that way too, but he shouldn't. You shouldn't.
You were in the territory of the Kims. All of them wanted Jungkook to marry Soojin. They would most likely scowl if they saw you being intimate with your 'best friend.'
"I'm sorry..." He said, still following you.
You were headed to the garden of the mansion. No one really went here at night. There were just too many mosquitoes here.
"I won't break my promise again." He said softly. Jungkook was trying to catch your gaze.
You avoided it.
You couldn't look at him as you said "of course it won't happen again. You can't say something that isn't true anymore."
"What do you mean?"
But if you never try, you'll never know
"I'm breaking up with you, Jungkook."
"What?" He was breathless. Your cruel words knocked out the air out of him.
"You heard me." You said simply, still avoiding his gaze. Do not look at him or you'd break, you reminded yourself.
"Y-You're kidding, right?" And he still couldn't believe what was happening.
No. This couldn't be true. He just had you. He was just starting to show you how much he loved you. Why were you pushing him away again?
This wasn't fair.
"You're engaged, Jungkook. To my sister." You gritted your teeth, looking down at your feet. You could see a mosquito sucking your blood there. It hurt.
"You know I don't joke around when my sister's happiness is at stake—"
"What about your happiness?" Jungkook cut you off. And mine?
"I'm happy when Soojin is happy, when my family is happy."
"What about me?" His voice was so small when he asked this, like he was ashamed and hurt. "Am I not your family too?"
Your stomach churned. Your tears fell, you saw your teardrop hitting the mosquito sucking at your foot.
Your foot hurt. Your foot itches.
You were focusing on the wrong things. You complained about the wrong things.
Your heart hurt. But you didn't care.
Your foot. It itched.
Just what you're worth
"You are." You blurted out after a few moments of silence. Would it feel good to scratch your foot?
"That's why I'm ending this. I don't want to hurt you any further..."
You're not hurting me Jungkook was about to say this. You didn't give him a chance to speak though.
"I can't love you, Kook..."
Lights will guide you home
They said lights would guide someone home. Lights helped people see. It helped them so that they wouldn't stumble in the darkness, into something they couldn't possibly fight.
For the longest time, Jungkook believed this. He thought you were his light, guiding him—leading him towards home.
Home was supposed to be safe and it should bring comfort—this was what Jungkook longed. A home.
And ignite your bones
A home full of love, laughter—just things that would ignite his bones, that would make him thank the Maker for giving him life.
"Why not?" Jungkook managed to ask even though he was breaking inside.
All he could think about was your cruel words.
I can't love you, Kook...
I can't love you, Kook...
I can't love you, Kook...
It meant he was hard to love, right? He was hard to love despite the fact that he was trying his best. He was good. So good—too good, but it wasn't enough.
There was no home to come to.
Your foot still itches.
"Because I'm broken." You were stupid to think that you could fill his heart with love.
Love didn't work like that.
Jungkook shook his head violently. He knew you didn't want him to touch you, but he did.
He couldn't stop himself.
He took your face into his hands, feeling your skin. He was touching you like he was making sure you were real.
"And you can't love someone when you're broken."
His response was instant.
"Then let me try to fix you." He said this as if it was easy.
You cackled. This was better than sobbing.
"Too bad..." You finally had the courage to meet his gaze. You looked at him dead in the eyes, saying this: "Because I don't want to be fixed."
Jungkook was right.
You were his light.
You were his light, but you weren't going to guide him home.
You were the light that was going to blind him.
"Goodbye, Jungkook." You smiled.
And then you walked away.
This time Jungkook didn't follow you, but aside from this nothing else changed—well except that you weren't looking down anymore.
You looked up, remembering that when you kissed Jungkook for the first time, the moon and the stars were there to witness it.
The moon and the stars were still here.
This time they witnessed how you broke Jungkook's heart.
Damn. Your foot still itches.
#jungkook fluff#jungkook angst#ficswithluv#jungkook x reader#jungkook x y/n#armywriterssupport#jungkook x you#bts fic
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What are the major details that confused you about the Hound blurb? The major one that stood put to me was the "way of the farmer opposed to the sword" thing which felt very...un-Cú Chulainn. Also, if you don't mind expanding further, which details didn't you question/be confused by?
and also for anon:
okay so it is like. 2am so there are not going to be any sources here but i can't sleep so here goes!! i will go through this blurb line by line and give youse my thoughts
In 50 BCE,
reasonable. this is roughly the right time period for when the ulster cycle is set. maybe marginally earlier than i'd place cú chulainn, but i'm talking a few years, nothing to get worked up about.
Morrigan, the goddess of war,
fine. normally i'm wary of pantheonising impulses with regard to irish characters (almost none of them can be identified as a god of anything in particular, it doesn't work like that) but tbh the morrigan is like, the most plausible exception to that, so whatever. normally her name has the definite article attached to it because it's kind of a species term as well but whatevs.
has become restless as a long-lasting peace settles over Ireland.
dubious. closest i can think of to peace being reference in any texts is togail bruidne da derga talking about conaire mor's reign being like, prosperous and peaceful and whatever, and even there you've got díberg (plundering/reaving) which is what eventually fucks him over and starts the otherworldly hell spiral situation. that's roughly the right period here but conaire's doom proves you don't have to do much to nudge peace into war, and connacht and ulster are at each other's throats for years before cú chulainn comes on the scene anyway
Deciding the time of peace must end, she chooses Setanta, the nephew of the king of the north, to become her ward.
hmm. i mean. like, this isn't the WEIRDEST choice they could have made. it's still completely made-up, don't get me wrong -- cú chulainn has a lot of different foster parents in different texts and they don't agree with each other but none of them ever mentions the morrígan. but like, they do have a connection of some sort, as evidenced by their conversations. and there's that one moment in the r1 boyhood deeds where little cú chulainn is out on the battlefield and hears her (not sure which name is used here) calling out to him and it like. motivates him to do some deeds or whatever, and i guess you could extrapolate that into some kind of teaching capacity.
so like. could be weirder. if you're gonna pick anyone, you could do worse. still seems weird to me! but not on its own a major issue, i could get past this and consider it a Fun But Unorthodox Creative Decision
(the fact that she tries to seduce him in the táin probably wouldn't get in the way of this considering sleeping with his teachers/foster-mothers is far from unheard of where cú chulainn is concerned)
After a young Setanta slays the demon-hound of Cullan, he becomes known as Cú Cullan—The Hound of Cullan.
weird spelling choices, they could have at least bothered to use the genitive properly. also the hound isn't a demon, it's a ferocious watchdog -- making it sound all Otherworldly and Hellish like this kinda confuses the issue of why he would need to take its place. he needs to take its place because the cattle and people still need protecting because it is a watchdog!! but whatevs, again, it's a brief summary so they can't exactly give us all the details and this is not actively objectionable
As Cú Cullan grows older, it is apparent that an extraordinary power lies within him … and a great darkness.
ugh boring. this makes it sound like he's going to be ~tortured~ and angsty about it. give me an unapologetic murder teen please. is the ríastrad dark? sure i guess, if you're going to be boring about it. it's more like, grotesque neon in my head
When he chooses the quiet life of a farmer over the sword,
this would fucking never happen on like five different levels. obviously like anyone who has ever read anything about cú chulainn can see that this is not in his nature. he is never going to choose a quiet life. this is the kid who tricked his way into taking arms before everyone thought he was ready. also juxtaposed with the "darkness" comment makes it sound like he would Angst his way into this quiet life which. again. have you seen this kid. he is an unapologetic murder teen
the only thing i can think of that might make him temporarily want to walk away is connla's death which... depends where you position that in the timeline really, he does seem a bit fucked up by it and maybe he'd want a holiday although i can see that lasting precisely 5 minutes before someone pissed him off enough for him to murder them. but if he's being raised by the morrígan i can't see him going to train with scáthach so then he'd never meet aífe and therefore connla would never be born so that wouldn't happen. so like. whatever.
but also like. he would not become a farmer. he just wouldn't! it doesn't work! the ireland of the stories is super hierarchical, right? and this blurb has already fucking told us that he's the king's nephew (canon) so we can tell that being a farmer is Not His Place. when we see upper class figures becoming menial labourers in texts, like in cath maige tuired, it's because Things Are Fucked, Shit's Gone Wrong. people don't just decide to change their entire social class on a whim lmfao
if cú chulainn really wanted to turn his back on being a warrior he could probably make recourse to certain other Suitable Professions ... his grandad's a druid so he might have a route into that, though his dad's not so that might fuck things up a bit bc it's one of those things that's usually inherited. he does give "wisdom" in at least one text though and we also know he can write (he carves riddles in ogham in the táin) and he composes verses on various occasions so idk, maybe something in a poetic direction, though again, usually requires two generations of inheritance to be a real poet and not just a lower-class bard. warrior's kinda the main thing he's got open to him tbh. but farming? i'm not a legal expert but as far as i'm aware based on what i have read, that would fuck shit up
more likely an upset cú chulainn would just go off in search of an adventure somewhere conveniently far away until he'd calmed down (alba, or the tyrrhenian sea, or -- if we're going to get early modern about it -- somewhere like india, which frequently gets thrown into the texts with absolutely no cultural context and it's always hilarious)
Morrigan, angry at the betrayal,
of the entire social order, yes,
instigates an invasion of his homeland
i mean. if they intend this to be the táin then.... táin bó regamna does kinda make the morrígan responsible for it? not in the sense of triggering the pillow talk argument that it's in the book of leinster -- it's her getting up to her usual cow-nicking behaviours for shits and giggles. [note to readers: it is probably for more than shits and giggles but did i mention it's 2am]
but all in all, not particularly out of character that she would be at least some way responsible for this so i can vibe with this. echtra nerai also supports the TBR explanation with her fucking around with otherworldly cows and pissing people off so, yeah, whatever. the morrígan engineered this. sure.
and Cú Cullan must challenge fate itself
this is probably a controversial stance but fate feels like a difficult concept to apply to medieval irish texts. like are people sometimes Doomed? yes. there are prophecies, there are gessi, there's all manner of otherworldly fuckery that can trip you up. is that the same thing as fate? no idea. considering cú chulainn comes out alive from the táin though and his doom prophecies don't catch up to him for like, at least another decade, maybe 16 years depending on who you listen to, hard to see how that would apply here
to keep the goddess at bay.
again like she IS causing fuckery in the táin but also it's like... one time. really not the main character. but she or maybe just some crows, hard to say, do get implicated in the death tale so maybe they're doing what people often do and conflating the two? even though there's like 10-16 years in between them?
anyway as you can see i don’t think it’s wholly terrible / i’m not completely thinkshaming it. like, having cú chulainn raised by the morrígan is unorthodox but it could be a fun and creative direction so i don't object to it. making cú chulainn get sad about murder and choose to be a farmer is just fucking laughable tho, and makes me doubt their characterisations in general. so that's offputting and would probably make me think twice about buying it, if that had ever been on the cards.*
and of course sure, their cú chulainn can be a Sad Boy Who Likes Sheep, but that means he's not the cú chulainn of medieval irish lit / irish myth, because that cú chulainn is a feral murder teen who keeps killing his friends and also is way too high social status to ever be a farmer, and whose only relationship to livestock is as the watchdog who kills anyone trying to harm them (which is an important role on a farm! but like. not the same thing as Being A Farmer. mostly because it involves more murder and is essentially just an extension of his role as a warrior. or rather the other way around. he promises to protect mag muirthemne as a watchdog and this like. gets extended into him becoming its sole defender)
this has been my analysis of this blurb i hope you enjoyed it
it's now 2.30am i should try and sleep now that i've exorcised a few thoughts from my head
*as i mentioned in the tags of my other post, i don't tend to read graphic novels due to disability stuff. they're much harder for me to understand and follow than prose, to the point where some are incomprehensible, so i don't really enjoy them. there are a few i've read, but they tend to be short ones, and i'm usually not reading them in order, just admiring the art separately from the text. so it's unlikely i would read a graphic novel of this size anyway.
#cu chulainn#hound#hound graphic novel#answered#oddnub-eye#anonymous#irish mythology#medieval irish#tain bo cuailnge
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"writes dubcon therefore is a freak who should be bullied off the site" ho boy i'm fed up with people acting as if consenting adults writing [insert "problematic" fictional thing here] is the worst thing in the world. seen way too many people justifying harrassment of REAL PEOPLE by "they write thing that triggers me". ok, and? mute the tags or don't follow! "it triggers someone" is not a valid reason to ban a topic. piano music triggers me yet i don't go around demanding everyone stop playing the piano.
Anon, not only is everything you said absolutely valid, but also, thank you for demonstrating that triggers are incredibly varied and as such, we cannot predict everyone's triggers. Making the entire "point" of banning for possible triggers invalidated as hell.
We should be aware of things like the most commonly occurring phobias (things like arachnophobia and coulrophobia that are, additionally, easily triggered by imagery) and tag them. We should be aware of very obvious triggers, that are, again, easily set off by imagery, like blood, eye trauma, and depictions of domestic violence. And we should always read and be aware of our writing partners' stated triggers so that we can tag them appropriately or even decide that it isn't going to work because our muse, canon story, or interests are going to present an unfair situation in this partnership.
But triggers can be highly unusual, as well as activated differently (even at different times) for everyone. I'm not triggered by seeing hotel rooms in pictures or movies, I'm not triggered by writing scenes that take place in them, but I'm triggered to some degree by being in one. It's outrageous oversimplification to act like all triggers are the same, they all display the same way, they're all going to trigger someone on the same basis, everyone's going to react the same to their triggers. There is absolutely no way to prevent 100% of possible triggers for 100% of the population, 100% of the time.
Add to this that way too many people trivialize triggers by throwing around that term to justify the banning of something that makes them uncomfortable or that they take a personal, moral issue with. "I don't like this" and "I'm grossed out by this" and "this makes me feel uncomfortable" is not being triggered. It's just a good way to weaponize the better nature of other people so that they comply.
Most people legitimately do not want to trigger someone, especially if they have triggers and know what it's like. Just like no one wants to be accused of cruelty towards trauma survivors in general, or be designated a pedo, rape apologist, or fascist. They're all things to weaponize in order to isolate, shame, and control. And that's really fucking gross. These are serious, real things that have no business being trivialized to police content, win internet arguments, or garner popularity.
The potential for someone to be triggered isn't a reason to ban anything; we have tags, we have blacklist.
While I'll be the first to say that tumblr's blacklisting can be as shitty as everything else on the site, the primary issue with running into content you don't want to see comes down to two factors: no one tagging/tagging correctly and actively exposing yourself to that content. Going through people's properly done tags and blog warnings about their content in order to "call it out" is actively exposing yourself by choice. You actual walnuts.
Calling people on on their "problematic" content is bringing those topics to the attention of other people. That's the whole point of this gross behavior: look at the freak pedo abuse apologist I found, they write dubcon!! Don't look if you'll be triggered uwu
Buddy, pal, my guy...you just put that on blast for anyone to run across. Maybe their blacklist catches those words in your callout post, maybe it doesn't. Maybe they think you're a safe space because you promote yourself that way, so they click it anyway. Point is, you just willfully and irresponsibly exposed people because it's more important to you to demonize a rando on tumblr RPing something you take issue with. Good job!
Furthermore, dubcon itself is such a hilarious issue to take. Do they realize that isn't always sexual, or? Not? I'm thinking not. Funnily enough, one of the oldest posts I've been working on for this blog is about exactly this topic, the myriad situations that are dubious consent. That doesn't have to be sexual, and neither does it have to be intentionally predatory. You can come up with some amazing character development with a lot of muses in the RPC with dubcon because almost everyone's muse has some manner of trauma that might negate their perception of their own consent...and what do you do then? Is it removing more agency from that muse to shut them down, or is that always the better option? Can you separate your opinion as the mun from your muse's natural reactions? How does this impact the muses involved not just that moment but the next year?
Point is, dubcon isn't always some rapey situation. Even if it was, even if someone is writing it that way, it's literally not your business or your problem.
There's one mutual-in-law on my RP blog that really bothers me. They write things that I find fetishizing, incredibly rapey, all around shit that bothers me. I don't want to see it, some of the things they write makes my damn skin crawl. This person doesn't know it, we certainly don't speak and I don't think they like me very much, but I've repeatedly defended their right, specifically their right as a person with some long-term callouts on them, to write what they want to. I have them blocked and their urls blacklisted so I never have to see my mutual reblogging their threads. It's not a problem because I don't click "show anyway." Why would I, if it genuinely bothers me so much?
That's how you handle things that bother you; you use the tools available to not interact even by accident. Not by launching a morality crusade.
If any of us want to write what we enjoy, we have to allow others that same freedom. It's always a matter of time before this policing grows to include more and more topics, it's been used multiple times to get well-meaning people who don't fall into the general demographics to police queer, BIPOC, and other marginalized groups off of platforms. We've been fortunate in most of the RPC that it implodes on itself before it gets all the way there, but even so, you can see it.
It starts with things that produce a visceral reaction in the great majority of people, positions this with a repeatedly condemned idea presented as solid fact that fiction is reality, and you've got the start of something awful. Today it's something you don't like, maybe even something that triggers you, so you either support it or you quietly allow it to happen. Who needs to write that "freak shit" anyway, can't they just be gross privately? Six months from now, it's something "problematic" that you enjoy like violence that's canon-typical for your muse, or your OTP because they're gay and that's fetishizing, they're cis male and female but one or both is bi and that's bad representation, or they canonically have a rocky relationship so that's romanticizing toxic/abusive relationships.
If you can't care for any other reason, you really should care about how it is going to impact you sooner or later. In an environment like this, you can stay in your space, put warnings on your blog, and tag properly and you're still going to get a callout if the wrong person finds your blog. Just takes a single person with more time, energy, and skewed ideas of justice than they have reading comprehension or common sense.
Again, I cannot encourage people enough to give warnings, but it's difficult to ignore why those warnings are slipping; they're a way to be found, designated as a Problem, and called out. Look, it's another reason why callouts actually make things worse, not better! People put that shit in their rules so you can avoid content, they're being responsible and interested in promoting a safe RPC. Let them do it, damn.
You can't tag everything, and if you've never experienced what a giant series of repetitive tags is like on a screenreader you probably should before you tag seven paragraphs of possible issues. You can tag for visuals, you can tag for the obvious things, and you can tag for what's in the rules you agreed to when you followed/followed back. But you should also warn people that you write "dark topics" on the tin, and expand on that in your rules for specific things like graphic violence, toxic relationships, dubon, and addiction.
That's how responsible adults, not over-aged children, make better decisions about their mental health and general comfort. Not by appointing themselves the watchdogs of the damn RPC, here to protect you whether you want to be or not, find that incredibly insulting or not when you're in one of their categories of people who must be protected, by forcibly banning Problematic Everything. Problematic, of course, being entirely in the eye of the content police.
It's fiction. No one and nothing real was harmed. It's great that you are so invested in the fictional world and people that make you happy, but take a fucking big step back into reality. The real people you're harming with your bullshit had every right to peaceably exist. If what they're writing is triggering to you, stay. away. from. it.
Without any coincidence whatsoever, that's how you get from the base-point of Problematic Material to Problematic Mun. Yeah, it's just fiction, it's just RP, but I also took something out of context OOC or was upset by their tone on their own blog or couldn't exercise the minimal adult logic to remove myself from their presence OOC as well. So, now, you've got OOC behavior being added to the callout, if it wasn't already. Everyone is now ableist, transphobic, racist, and a misogynist because it lends that visceral reaction to the callout and ups the game from just being "y'all so gross you aged up a cartoon character to ship" to "this is REAL and it won't be tolerated! OP is actually a pedophile, they told a sexual joke in a discord server with a minor present and I have the receipts!"
What are the most storied callouts in the entire RPC? I'm absolutely certain the same names came to mind no matter what fandoms you're in, and one of them was "Matt." Another was probably "Ares/Snow". They're all successful and keep being brought up out of the closet anytime people are bored enough because their primary punch is the mun themselves being a predatory threat to the community. The mun is verified to be a bad person. Well, of course, that's got to be repeated, it worked. (Even if it did not, at all, work and only made it harder for people to avoid any of these muns.)
Are there people in the RPC who are legitimately a problem? Absolutely, yes. We're all supposed to be adults, however. Part of being an adult is having and acting upon one's agency. If someone is coercing you into things you are not comfortable with, shut it down. If you have difficulties being certain of those situations, run it by a trusted, honest friend or available, impartial source in the RPC for a second opinion. If you can't handle any manner of confrontation, there really are situations in which it's perfectly alright to block someone without any discussion. It's just the internet, you're in control of your space. Own it.
Minors are a whole other can of fucked up worms I'm not even getting into right now except to say that because a minor exists in a space they were told to stay out of does not mean we ban all topics inappropriate for their consumption.
tl;dr: banning shit doesn't work anyway, the whole idea is predicated upon some incredibly problematic takes IRL, and no, there's no justification for it outside of intense personal problems with one's own importance. That energy would be infinitely better spent volunteering one's time to help real people in crisis or after surviving one, or even oneself in developing some healthier approaches and thought patterns.
#hey what if we all start saying we're triggered by callout culture is that bannable then lmao#vespertine#drama cw#bsnf#callout culture#tumblr rpc#rp problems#also thank you again anon I hope you're having a great day!
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Creepers and Creeps: CH2 Regretful Dreams
Summary: Escaping from the men might be harder than Reece was anticipating. Or maybe he knew it'd be damn well near impossible. But it doesn't mean he won't just try.
Word Count: 1902
Trigger warning for this chapter: non-graphic implication of noncon, Canon typical violence, abuse
A/N: You can also read this on my AO3
Series Masterlist
Where am I? What’s happening? Something is wrong. I feel like something is wrong.
I groan quietly as I move, feeling pain flare up my back. Everything feels bruised. The room is dark, the only light coming from the moon shining through the small window opposite to me. I feel my mind pulling from all directions. It all feels wrong. Like my days have merged. Like there isn't an end or a beginning.
I gasp and back myself against the wall, despite the fire that fills my entire body, watching the door open and close behind one of the men. That's where I am. I'm in the room. They’ve had me here for days, I think. I remember passing out a lot, or my mind pulling me back and time passing quickly. I hope God isn’t watching. I hope my parents aren’t. This is wrong. These men, they’ve ruined any virtue I held for myself. The virtue I’ve kept for the woman I was supposed to marry, back in the old world. They’ve used me, using me for their own needs, sometimes it was sexual needs, sometimes it was purely just to let out their physical anger, but it was always their verbal needs as well. Each one being more verbally aggressive than the last.
They’ve called me names, names I never thought I as a boy would experience. Names my parents forbid me to ever call anyone else, particularly women, stating they were sinful words that did nothing but harm the victim of the verbal abuse. I realize they were right, those words, they’ve broken something in me. Each time they use the words, I become more numb to it, as if I'm getting used to it.
The man walks up to me and grabs me by the upper arm, knowing what he wants and knowing if i don't do what he wants me to, the consequence is worse. So I let him move me until I'm the way he wants me. It's at this moment I close my eyes, keeping myself from crying or making any noises, and feel my mind start pulling apart again. The feeling is numbing, like I'm no longer the one in my body. Like my mind is gone, somewhere else. Maybe I'm back with my parents, eating the food my mom prepared while me and my dad set the table together. Maybe I’m with my youth group, helping the younger kids make art for their mothers for mothers day. Maybe I'm simply back in a tree, watching the birds jump around on the higher branches while I eat corn out of a can.
I hardly feel anything now, it just feels like a distant feeling, a distant but familiar feeling, one that’s easy now to forget or ignore. I hardly hear his words. Instead I'm imagining the beach, the one me and my parents went to when we were on the only vacation they could ever afford. The soft waves, the itchy sand, the laughing and playful screaming from my mother as my father jokingly threatened to toss her into the water. Before my mom ran and hid behind me, despite my height. Looking back, I realize how lovely they looked that day. They had never looked so at ease before. I miss it. I miss them. And missing them feels so much better than any emotion I force away during these nights that someone walks in here demanding my body.
I don’t know when he had finished and left, not doing so as much as giving me something to clean off with. So I use the discarded sheet from the mattress on the floor, cleaning myself as best as I can. Once I'm done, I crawl onto the mattress, sniffling as I feel my skin crawl and bile rise in my throat. No matter how much I wipe them off my skin, I still don't feel clean. I don't think I'll ever be clean again. I reach out for my boxers that had been taken off of me a while ago and slip them on, wanting to feel some sort of covered. I curl up on myself and put my hands together, whispering a prayer. Asking God to please let me go, let me die and rejoin my parents. Asking him to be merciful, begging him, pleading to him. Telling him I’ll repent for all the sinning I've committed in this room.
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I’m unsure how long I prayed for, how long I begged and pleaded, but at some point the sun is shining onto my face, waking me up from a dreamless state. The sound of the door opening wakes me wide awake, I jump up to look at the door frame, seeing the leader. He’s the only one who hasn’t touched me the way the others have. He walks up to me and hands me clothes. They aren’t the ones I had on previously. I hesitantly grab them. “What, no thank you? I just gave you clothes, you should be grateful.”
I mutter a quick thank you to him, breathing shakily. “Hurry up and get dressed, we are heading out.” After saying this, he still doesn’t move, but instead watches, as if he's waiting for me to do as he says. I stand slowly, feeling my body scream at me. I step into the pants carefully. They fit, but they are baggy on me. I look down at my body, seeing the bruises and the wounds they’ve left. I also see my ribs poking through just slightly. I’ve lost weight. I slip the shirt over my head, hoping to drown in the larger shirt. He hands me a pair of shoes so I sit and slip them on, tying them tight. I whisper another thank you. I feel him pat my back, and I cringe and tense from the pain. “Now you’ve got the hang of it. I give you stuff, you thank me. They give you stuff, you thank them. You don’t ask them for anything. You only act grateful for what you do get.”
I nod slowly at his words, not saying anything. I stand back up, hearing him tell me to follow him. I follow him slowly, my legs feeling weak, and my body feeling like just collapsing into a puddle. I see the other men. “Bruce, get him some food and water. Unless you’d like him dying.” A man, based on what the leader said, ‘Bruce’ reaches into his bag, pulls out a bottle that barely had any water, and a small granola bar. He put them out towards me. I carefully grab them from him, remembering what the leader said, “Thank you..” My voice barely carries, and it's scratchy. Bruce laughs, the leader smirking.
“Already understands the rules, how smart.” I barely register the rest of their conversation because as soon as I open the bar, I feel my mouth water. I eat it faster than I've eaten anything, as if it's the best thing I've ever tasted. I hear laughing, but I ignore it as I finish the bar, and open the bottle, and down the water. I feel a small relief, like that's exactly what I needed.
I didn’t realize how much my body has been craving, how hungry I've been, how thirsty I've been. It suddenly feels like my mouth is drier than it's ever been, and my stomach cramps with the sudden food, almost like it's now a foreign feeling to eat. After I finish, I quietly offer the bottle back to Bruce, so he takes it and shoves it into a bag. They all finish preparing to leave, so I stand quietly, unsure if I should be doing anything. Unsure if they’d get mad if I even offered my help.
Why would I want to help them though? After the last week of constant abuse, I'm unsure why I would even think of helping them. I peek around, seeing if there were any doors, or windows, something I could go through to leave. Seeing a small window, I wait patiently for them all to be busy doing something that takes their attention away from the side of the room it’s on.
When they all look busy, I slowly back up to the window, and carefully slide it open, keeping my eyes on them the entire time. Once it’s open, I try my best to slip through it, but i trip on my way out. I hurry to get up and start running from the house. For a moment I don't hear anything behind me, or coming from the house. Until I hear a couple of the men yelling, then the leader yelling something.
I try to run in a direction that they won't think to look, but with the lack of food and water for the last few days, I feel myself getting tired quickly. I slip into a house, hearing the men coming closer. I look around, seeing the kitchen. I move fast, trying to find something quick to eat or drink. I find an old bottle of Gatorade, and a couple small bags of stale chips. Figuring it's better than nothing, I run upstairs, hiding in a closet. I didn't hear anything for a few minutes, so I ate the chips in a hurry. If they catch me, who knows the next time I’ll eat. After eating the chips, I wash it down with the Gatorade. The gatorade was good, refreshing after only having a little water.
As the adrenaline starts to slow, I feel all of the pain come back harder than before. I stand, trying not to cry while I leave the closet and search the bathroom for any type of meds. I find a small bottle of tylenol, so i take a few, hoping it would help. I place the bottle back down, and go back to the closet, sitting down against the wall and sighing.
After a few minutes, I feel the need to sleep safely for the first time in days. I let myself relax enough to slip into a light sleep. I’m still being chased. The men are after me. I keep running, seeing the men behind me. I ran into a body, looking up in fear to see one of the men. I let out a cry as he starts yelling at me, but it’s my fathers voice. I look back at him, seeing my father, yelling at me. “Why would you do that? You’re so stupid, why would you get a tattoo? You know that’s a sin, do you like acting against God?” He changes into my mother, but she looks so.. Sad. Then She changes again.
This time, she’s how I last saw her, bitten and covered in her own blood. “Why’d you let them kill me, Reece?”
Then she’s a creeper, attempting to bite at me. I scream, crying at the look of her. “Mom, please, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to let it get you. It should’ve been me. I’m so sorry.” Then everything changes again, and I’m no longer running, suddenly I’m being hit and kicked around by those men. I whimper as it happens, wishing to be put to death instead of being tortured.
I jump out of sleep as I’m being grabbed, looking the leader in the eyes, screaming out and trying to twist out of his grip, “Got you, boy.”
#the walking dead#the walking dead fanfic#TWD#fanfic#implied noncon#slow burn series#slow burn#male oc#male original character#original character#angst#violence#canon violence
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I'm not sure if youre okay with these kinds of requests so if you don't wanna write it its okay! And I'm sorry if you're uncomfortable with it and I just don't know but, would you write a scenario about how Bokuto, Akaashi, and Iwaizumi would react to finding out their fem s/o has self harm scars? Like they're healed and she's recovered but she still has a lot of the old scars and she's insecure about them and trying to hide them from him?
of course this is a sensitive topic - but i relate to this situation all too well, so i honestly wanted to write about it. cuz yaknow, i write about my struggles, it’s kind of my thing.
*** TRIGGER WARNING *** for mentions of self harm/scars - but there are no descriptions of the act, nor any direct references to doing it. it is not graphic, there are only mentions.
please, if reading these scenarios could be triggering for you, skip out on them. just in case:
here’s a link to a happier scenario, a funnier scenario, a sweet scenario, and a long read if you just need a distraction.
i try to keep my blog a safe space, and if you’re struggling with a similar situation, i’m rooting for you. never be afraid to reach out to a friend, a family member, or even me for support.
thank you for requesting! and again, remember, i’m rooting for you. the scenarios are all under “keep reading.”
akaashi keiji
Well, you knew this would happen eventually. You had gotten out of it so many times before that you used up every excuse in the book. So by now, your friends and your boyfriend wouldn’t let you get out of it.
You had a hard time swimming - wearing a swimsuit only induced your anxieties. It felt like everyone was watching you - everyone could see the proof of you past struggles carved on your skin.
You weren’t ashamed of your scars - in fact, most of the time you forgot that you even had them. By now, you had come to terms with them.
But you couldn’t handle the probing questions that were thrown at you - rather, the possibility of the questions. You’d never let other people see them, so they couldn’t even get the chance to stare, to wonder, to judge.
While you stood in front of the mirror, wearing the swimsuit your boyfriend bought for you, you couldn’t stop thinking about the questions your friends would ask you.
What happened to you?
Why would you do that to yourself?
How’d you do it?
Why would you show those off?
You were terrified. You couldn’t handle the looks, much less the judgement.
But Akaashi was waiting outside the door, waiting for you to step out and show him your bathing suit. You were sure he was expecting to see a sight he’d like; to see a girl who was excited to spend time with him and his friends. But it was the opposite.
Still - he was the only one whose judgement you didn’t fear. And right now, you needed his support more than anything.
“Keiji,” you called, and he replied immediately.
“Yeah?”
With a towel wrapped around your body, you said, “Can you come in here?”
He opened the door slowly and greeted you with a smile, despite your teary eyes.
“I can’t go.”
“Why not? Let’s talk it out, kitten, what’s bothering you?”
You shook your head, “I just - I don’t want anyone to see.”
“I’m sure you look amazing,” he replied, his sweet smile never faltering. You appreciated it, but your nerves were still running rampid.
“Can I show you?” you asked him, holding onto the towel as if it was your lifeline.
“Yeah, of course.”
You definitely took your time taking the towel off. You wanted to warn him but you couldn’t find your voice - instead, you just let the towel fall to the ground.
He didn’t reply immediately - he looked you up and down, genuinely enjoying the sight, while you didn’t let yourself look at him.
“You look perfect,” he told you, sliding his hand into yours. “I understand why you’re hesitant, though.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” he replied. “But they… your scars, I mean - they look fine, kitten. I’m sure none of our friends will give them a second glance.”
“Are you sure?” you asked, shaking your head. “They’re going to ask so many questions -”
“Well, if they do, just let me handle it for you, okay? And I’ll just tell them the truth,” he wrapped his arms around your waist before continuing. “That our Edward Scissorhands roleplay gets gruesome.”
Both of you laughed, immediately lifting your mood.
“Will you really tell them that?”
“I’ll tell them whatever you want me to,” he replied. “But you - you don’t have to tell them a thing. I’ll make sure you can have fun, alright?”
Without Keiji by your side, you’d never be able to even think about leaving that room wearing a swimsuit. But it’s because of him that you found the courage to do it - and you were determined to have a good time, despite your scars.
bokuto koutaro
It was so intense - Bokuto’s body felt quite heavy on top of yours, and you were feeling every inch of him. From his tongue in your mouth to your hands in his shirt to his entire lower half pressed firmly against yours - there was nothing else on your mind but him.
So much so that you couldn’t remember to tell him to turn off the light - hell, you didn’t even remember that there were things you didn’t want him to see.
It wasn’t until he had already stripped you of everything, when you felt the cool air hit your thighs, that you remembered those lines embedded on your skin - those embarrassing reminders of who you used to be.
“Koutarou -”
And usually you wouldn’t even care to let someone see them. You’ve had one night stands and it didn’t matter to you whether or not those guys saw your skin so up close. You’d wear shorts during summer and show them off to any stranger walking by - because none of those people mattered.
But the man who was hovering over you, who was kissing you and stripping you and pleasuring you, you loved him. Your entire body craved his touch, your heart yearned for his love, your soul was hell bent on being entwined with his.
Would this take him away? Would your god awful past scare him off, would your old habits come back to haunt you?
You grabbed his face and held it in place above yours and hoped he didn’t see - you were praying, as his beautiful eyes were staring at yours, that he wasn’t able to catch a glance.
But you knew. From the way his golden eyes were becoming so glossy, you could tell.
“Are those… what I think they are?”
“Koutarou…”
It was over. The love you shared with this beautiful man was going to be taken away - he finally saw you. The broken parts of you. And you were sure - no, you were positive - that someone as absolutely perfect as the man you so luckily fell in love with did not deserve someone broken and scarred and haunted.
Your hands still rested on his cheeks, and right as you were about to drop them - to let him pull away from you - his face dropped to your neck.
“Thank god,” he sighed. “I’m so happy.”
Immediately your eyebrows drew together. “What?”
“No, wait - I didn’t mean it like that! Hold on, um…”
He fumbled to pull his shorts off, trying to stand up and take off the garment at the same time. And when he successfully did those things, the only thing you saw was the outline of something big in his tight underwear - is this what he’s trying to show you?
With a deep breath he hooked his thumbs into his underwear and pulled them down, low enough to reveal his hips.
And what you saw was something you never expected to see on him.
“I was scared you’d react like my last girlfriend… and the one before that…”
Decorating his hips were messy white lines - jagged, rough, prominent. They were much like your own.
“You… you understand, don’t you?”
If you didn’t know the struggle with self harm as well as you did, you would’ve called this a heartbreaking sight. Even still, your eyes wanted to tear up.
When you nodded, he took his place hovering over you again.
“I knew you would,” he said with a smile. “I’m so glad you understand - and I understand, too. I love you - I love you so much, Y/N.”
Even after seeing that part of him, you believed he was perfect. Everything about Bokuto was perfect to you, those unfortunate scars included. And it dawned on you that it was possible - in fact, it was very likely - that he saw you in the same way.
“I love you too, Kou.”
iwaizumi hajime
“Can I… talk to you?”
“Mhm, sure,” Iwaizumi replied. He didn’t look up from the textbook he was reading, though - maybe your nerves weren’t all that evident in your voice.
So now’s your chance to back out - but if you don’t do this now, you never would.
“…Iwa?”
He heard you that time - really heard you. You could tell from the way his eyes immediately darted up to you.
The boy moved from his seat at his desk to his bed where you sat, and he made himself comfortable sitting in front of you. He tried to take your hand into his, but you quickly crossed your arms over your chest.
He realized that something may actually be wrong - he knows you guys haven’t been dating for very long, but the last month has been filled with the best days of his life because of you. And Iwaizumi was sure he hadn’t done something wrong - at least, he thought he was sure.
But rather than spiraling into his anxieties, he would much rather hear you out.
You were trying your hardest to make this a casual conversation - according to all the research you’d been doing, you decided that was the best for you. You didn’t want to make this a big deal because it wasn’t one - not to you, anyway. You hoped Hajime wouldn’t see it as a big deal, either.
So you gave him a forced smile, hoping to lighten the mood and make this feel easier for you. But it didn’t help all that much.
“You okay?”
“Yeah,” you nodded. “I just wanted to tell you about something.”
“Okay, well. Tell me.”
He sat with criss-crossed legs to mimic the way you sat, letting his hands rest on your knees.
“Take your time, baby.”
“Okay, so…”
You took a deep breath, remembering what all the articles and reddit threads said.
“So, remember, um… a few nights ago, when we were in your car and… and we were making out and then we… you know…”
“…yeah, I remember,” he replied, his face flushed. “That was okay, right?”
“Yeah, yeah,” you nodded. “But… So, I know that we’ll… probably go farther, right? Like… more than just touching over our clothes?”
“Hopefully… what are you getting at, babe?”
“I just - I want to tell you now, so that you aren’t… surprised, you know, when we finally… I dunno, do more…”
How should you word this? Are you going to scare him off? Is he even going to care?
“It’s just, a while ago I was going through some things and… and I didn’t have the best way of coping with it… so I have a lot of scars. A-And I’m okay now! I don’t… do that anymore, so you shouldn’t worry - I don’t want you to worry - I’ll just… feel better if I tell you.”
“Okay… is that all you have to say, babe?”
You swallowed hard and finally mustered up the courage to look at him as you nodded.
“Okay, well… you know it’s okay, right? I don’t mind your scars or anything like that - they’re apart of you, and I like everything about you. I’m really glad you told me.”
You knew he’d be understanding - but to hear him say that made you feel so validated and comfortable.
“I’m glad I told you, too.”
#trigger warning#mentions of self harm#akaashi keiji#bokuto koutarou#iwaizumi hajime#akaashi keiji x reader#bokuto koutarou x reader#iwaizumi hajime x reader
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This is hilarious. TharnType and Effect are NOT for teenagers! They have stereotypes that are DANGEROUS for lgbt+ community! I don't know much about both this series but for example tharntype this is serie where not gay man was raped and then he's living with gay man in one room and they started war. And you know what this gay roommate do? He kissed him when he was drunk and touched him. And this is only beginning (i don't know what next and i don't wanna know). You can watch it but be aware
I’m thinking that we have pretty different definitions of ‘hilarious.’
CW/TW (sexual assault)
My teen group consists of 16-19 y/o, which the u18 y/o need permission slips from their parents for anything rated M.
With that being said, the common theme in both of these series is sexual assault. There is absolutely nothing hilarious about censoring this information from teenage viewers (which are the majority of their viewers) especially LGBT+ youth.
We watched The Effect & had some very important discussions following the series.. Discussions we wouldn’t have had without watching it.
The LGBT+ Community is already full of stereotypes, & it’s important that young people are aware of them.. whether they are participating in that behavior, witnessing it from others, or experiencing it themselves. Awareness is key, & by shielding them from the harsh realities that exist, doesn’t make it go magically away.
It’s long, but here’s the article I just published about it: (TRIGGER WARNING)
How Culture Crosses Over in International LGBT+ Films
*trigger warning/content warning
I facilitate a LGBT+ Support Group for teens, parents, & teachers integrating the use of film & media to focus on current & relevant topics that youth are facing in today’s society. Society variables change across cultures in how they affect LGBT people, but there are a few major things that don’t get lost in translation. So when the teen group asked that we watch & discuss these international shows, I agreed.
In the United States, the suicide rate for boys & girls remains the same until 10 years old, but after that, the suicide rate doubled for 10–14 year old boys. At 15–19, they’re 4 times more likely to die by suicide & 5 times more likely by age 20–25. (Although, the highest rate for men is middle-age.) Also in the United States, at least 1 in 6 boys under 18 years old are victims of sexual assault or rape.
I don’t know Thailand’s stats, & I’m not going to attempt to speak on behalf of their culture when it comes to such sensitive subjects, but this is a prime example of when LGBT films around the world, & across many different cultures, provides accurate & relatable representation for a large variety of different audiences. With stats like these, if you haven’t experienced something like this yourself, chances are you know someone that has.
These are the significantly complex, yet very necessary conversations we need to be having. Especially on behalf of those who are unable to have them because they’re too afraid or ashamed to. From what I know, the themes of these shows are unlike a lot of other plots that these drama series normally have- which is why so many people (that haven’t read the novels) have been surprised by them. There are, however, many people & reviews showing support for highlighting such issues. The thing is, people know all too well that these issues exist. That’s why some people watch shows like this to begin with, because it provides an escape from the everyday world. But, no matter how true that may be, it’s also important to make room for the other side of LGBT experiences & allow them to be brought to attention as well.
The Effect was a prime example of:
Kind behavior getting misinterpreted as flirting.
“Flirting” getting misinterpreted as consent for sex.
Sex being rejected but still getting disregarded.
Rape, followed by victim-blaming & shaming because “they were the one that started it.”
Followed by fear, shame, guilt, obligation, confusion, regret, a decline in mental health in some cases & at worst, the inability to feel safe within one’s own mind/body, that the only option believed to be available for escape from the inevitable pain, is death.
It’s important to note that we weren’t told the sexual orientation of the main character in The Effect. & I think this highlights the prominent question of, “Does it matter?” Because what we absolutely do know is that he said no.
There is a quote from a scene in CMBYN where Mrs. Pearlman is reading an excerpt from a book with the quote, “Is it better to speak or to die?” & although it sounds fictitious in nature, the truth behind that is people believe some things are best left unsaid when it comes to their own irreconcilable feelings. In some cases, that can be helpful. But, in other cases, it can be harmful. Men are taught to be strong, to not appear weak, to toughen up, to put yourself last, to let bygones be bygones, to not show emotion (aside from anger), & to not talk about uncomfortable things to help prevent others from feeling uncomfortable as well. As a result, what’s also taught is to quickly move past those feelings, but what happens to those that can’t?
How are people supposed to move past pain that they’re not allowed to have, but are forced to keep? That’s not strength, that’s suppression.
Depending on culture & other circumstances, mental health therapy might not even be (considered) an option. Depending on the individual, there might not be any reporting of the crime, as we saw on The Effect. Many cases don’t ever get reported, & some that do, an arrest is never made. This is something every country can relate to, but not everyone country is talking about. & with the stigma attached to it with the way that trauma affects the mind & the body, who could blame anyone for not wanting to draw even more attention to their experience by bringing it in the spotlight?
If you’re also watching the show TharnType, you know that we get direct insight into a person’s trauma response, as well as what can sometimes happen as a result of when it does get reported. Not that anyone’s trying to condone Type’s homophobia & his personal struggle with his own sexuality, but if we are to condemn it, at least we understand it. We know a few things: Type being attracted to Tharn is not a result of the childhood assault that occurred. Just because Type is attracted to Tharn doesn’t have to necessarily mean he’s exclusively gay (although he very well could be). & if he were gay, it doesn’t make him an offender. (Even though a lot of society tends to think this way.) There is a common misconception that all gay/bi men are pedophiles & rapists, often stemming from men who have been the victims of abuse/rape as children, to older predatory men. Sex offenders exist within all categories of: age, race, class, nationality, religion, sexuality, profession, income, political party etc.. nothing is exempt.
We need to be able to communicate clearly that sexual abuse/rape is not a sexual orientation. & that suicide does not only affect people with mental illness.
These are both emotionally involved/intense shows with such deeper meaning, that are definitely worth the watch. If you are sensitive to these topics than proceed with caution for The Effect because it is very graphic. However, with such prevalent topics, they are necessary conversations to have that we can no longer afford to avoid.
*To watch The Effect with English subs: https://tv.line.me/embed/10372516
*To watch TharnType with English subs: https://tv.line.me/embed/10255603
If you are in crisis, call the toll-free National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1–800–273-TALK (8255), available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The service is available to anyone. All calls are confidential. http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
Or The Trevor Lifeline at 1–866–488–7386 or via text by texting START to 678678
If you were the victim of sexual abuse/assault & are seeking support: 1in6.org
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Title: Double Haze
Author/Artist: AnchoredTether
Rating: Explicit [graphic depictions of violence, major character death, dark themes, discussion of suicide, graphic/disturbing imagery]
Series: Vengeful Retribution
Chapter: 5/?
Spoiler-free Summary: Rokurou thought nothing had changed until he felt something he could only describe as innately human. Velvet swore she felt a warmth, a luxury she was certain she would never feel again after her humanity died. It seemed even daemons could change.
CHAPTER 05 --- DOUBLE HAZE
There was a knock at the door.
"Velvet, are you in there?"
Velvet jolted awake at Laphicet's voice, and realized in a panic the situation she was in. She went to bed with Rokurou, and apparently both of them slept in. They innocently slept next to each other in the same bed, back to back, in order to keep their bodies warm and the hypothermia at bay. Apparently in the middle of the night they both turned over and Velvet had pressed right up against his chest and his arms found themselves wrapped around her. She was stuck in this position with Laphicet at the door, and the samurai slept like a rock. "ROKUROU." She whispered loudly, giving his chest a shove.
Laphicet's voice came faintly from the hallway. "I don't know if she's in there. Or Rokurou."
"Wait, are you saying that they're both in there??" Eleanor's voice was reaching that tone that made Velvet want to smack her. She shoved Rokurou even harder.
"WAKE. UP." Desperate times called for desperate measures. Velvet wiggled her arm and slammed her hand into Rokurou's face, which elicited a weird snarl from the man as he instinctively smacked her hard, causing Velvet to let out a startled groan of pain. She retaliated and fully kicked him since she was no longer bound prisoner by his arms, and sent the samurai flying completely out of the bed. Unfortunately for Velvet, her hair was tangled up around Rokurou and it yanked her down onto the ground as well, eliciting a yelp. Stormhowl, which was propped up against the wall right next to the corner of the bed, slid and clattered loudly against the floor. I guess he doesn't sleep with it. Velvet thought, But…close enough.
"Are you guys okay??" Eleanor knocked urgently. "What is going on in there?!"
Rokurou was finally coming to as he remained sitting on the floor, and glared at the door. "Go away Eleanor."
Velvet whipped her head up from her crumpled position to let out a frustrated sigh, and whispered angrily, "Is that really the best reply you can come up with??" She could only imagine what the redhead must be thinking at this point.
"We'll be right out." He added, turned to briefly look at Velvet, then gently worked on detangling her strands of hair that wrapped around various parts of his body. He then spoke in a lower voice, "What just happened, exactly?"
She scowled. "Apparently you have a hard time waking up. And crazy counterattack reflexes." She started gathering her hair as well, embarrassed that it had gotten so tangled. She never slept with someone else in the same bed so…she never encountered this kind of problem.
"Samurai." He reminded her, and stifled a yawn. "Sorry 'bout the counterattack." His hair was down and somehow even more wild than usual, his shirt loosely hanging off his right shoulder, and a red hand mark was already starting to appear on the parts of his face that weren't obsidian. Velvet wasn't sure if his appearance was ridiculous or adorable, and thinking of the latter only made her more confused. His voice broke her from her thoughts. "Geez, is your hair six feet long??"
"Five and a half." Velvet interjected.
"Woah. That's almost as long as Stormhowl."
"Does everything come back to that sword of yours?"
Rokurou simply gave her a shrug and smiled. He was somewhat surprised she wasn't hitting him for touching her hair or something, but considering the situation she probably welcomed the help. He only just noticed how incredibly soft her hair was, attributing well to her name. He idly mused on what kind of insane or unconventional shampooing methods she must utilize to keep it so nice.
"Considering how hard it was to wake you up, I take it you slept well?" She wondered if he even remembered wrapping his arms around her, and whether or not it was subconsciously done.
"Slept great." He said, then raised a brow. "Why'd you have to hit me in the face though?"
Apparently he didn't remember. "I was kind of…uhh…stuck."
His eyes widened. "Oh no did I roll over on top of you??"
"No no! Nothing like that, umm…" Velvet's face was slowly reddening, and Rokurou couldn't ever recall her looking so embarrassed. She was avoiding eye contact as she gathered up the rest of her hair and started running her fingers through it as she sat on the edge of the bed. "You kind of had your arms wrapped around me."
"I did? …Sorry about that."
"Don't…don't worry about it. We were both recovering from the hypothermia." She blinked rapidly after making the mistake of meeting his gaze. "It's my fault for kissing you last night. I…I shouldn't have let my emotions get the better of me like that. But at least you can't feel those kinds of emotions, so…" She hesitated, folding her arms as if she were cold. He initially tried to kiss her first - that's what got them into this whole mess to begin with. That meant he had to have felt something, right? She shook her head. Trying to understand how Rokurou felt about things made her incredibly confused. She couldn't afford to be confused. She couldn't afford to feel any such compromising emotions towards him. He said so himself: "Attachment and sentiment are weaknesses that will only slow you down in battle. Mercenaries can't afford love. That's just the way it is."
And that's just the way it was going to be. Velvet couldn't afford to be attached to him, to hold any kind of sentiment. I can't afford to love Rokurou. While it ultimately felt like the most reasonable decision, Velvet couldn't help but feel a sense of emptiness. She inhaled deeply. "Neither of us can afford complications. We can just move past this like it never happened."
"Yeah." Even though Rokurou was quick to agree, his voice was drawn out slowly as if he had to force himself to say it. "No harm, no foul."
Although she expected such a response from the yaksha, Velvet could have sworn there was disappointment in his amber and crimson eyes.
][ --- ][
"Where the hell am I going to find another yukata?" Rokurou asked to no one in particular. Most of his clothing was rent apart by the code red daemon, and there wasn't much remaining of his yukata. He muttered "I guess it was time to get a new one anyway." It had plenty of mending from all his battles over the past year, so he couldn't complain too much.
He sighed, his chest still hurting from the deep wounds. A week had passed and he was able to move around more easily, but he wasn't too keen on the idea of fighting quite yet. Everything felt raw and sore, but he was tired of staying in the company of an indifferent malak and the malak who used to be tethered to his brother. He decided he would leave the small town, retrieve Stormhowl, and then from there he wasn't sure what his plan was. He wasn't sure what he was going to do with his life after he killed Shigure, much less what he would do once he helped Velvet defeat Artorious. He was thinking he would always be by her side, and now that she was no longer here…everything seemed meaningless now.
He couldn't exactly go back to being a mercenary…he wasn't even sure if anyone would want to hire a deamon. Perhaps his surname would outweigh that fact, if anyone caught on to the fact he was a deamon to begin with. So long as his bangs covered the red parts of his face the black markings could be mistaken as tattoos - he looked human enough. Some people however, could notice malevolence the same way some people had resonance with Innominat. There wasn't anything he could do about that.
The Bloodwings didn't seem to mind who they worked with, so long as they were true to their word and got the job done. Rokurou could always take on code red deamons till he figured out what he was going to do with his life.
Everything felt wrong. Continuing life after Velvet sealed away Innominat as if that was the only option. Rokurou felt there had to be some other solution. There was more to be understood, more to be done.
Velvet deserved so much more than the cruel hand fate had dealt her.
#vengeful retribution#tales of berseria#tob#tales of berseria fanfic#tales of berseria au#tob fanfic#tob au#rokuvel#rokuvel au#rokuvel fanfic#my fanfiction
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I know you said they don't have a concrete story yet, but would you be ok with telling us more about Zan and Ghost? They seem really interesting
Anon you don't know what you unleashed its like past 1am here but I could talk about them forever.
This is gonna be under the cut because nobody has to be subjected to this.
General quick point: Both of these started off as bnha oc's but then reached that point where I was like 'yeah, I want them in their own story' so rn their powers are just powers with no wider context since I aint got that story
I'm gonna start with Zan cuz he's older by creation and my fav oc atm. For him we have TW's of child abuse and neglect, familial death, trauma, drug abuse, depression and anxiety, though I'll be running through this points as quickly and non graphically as I can cuz...I'm not gonna make you read my thesis so it should be fine.
His full legal name is Kazuya Moriyama but he goes by Zan Mori, he's 24. Zan was created to be two things 1. Character design with a fully body tattoo 2. Someone to use a power I came up with but didn't match with a character yet.
Here's that power, yes I have a copy paste off it:
Nightmare fuel is a power that terrorizes everyone, including its user. Zan’s sweat contains a special kind of chemical that when smelled causes mild to severe hallucinations, paranoia and other fear responses by interacting with victims brain chemistry. However, this chemical is only contained in sweat that he produces as a result of fear so, for example if he goes running in the gym, nothing bad will happen. The strength of the power depends on how much Zan himself is afraid and how much sweat he is producing. A weak dose will only result in sense of unease, a feeling of being watched, escalating through general paranoia, with its worst manifestation being complete loss of touch with reality and intense hallucinations. It's odorless and since it’s a chemical can be stored for later use. The last stages of it are very hard to reach because they require for Zan to be at similar levels of severe distress. It affects him as well, often resulting in endless loop of him being afraid, activating his power because of his fear, the power causing more intense fear and so on.
So here is where we start to build.
Zan's backstory hinges on him developing this power very early on in his life, as a result of mutation that his parents were not ready for. Kids get scared of things, a lot, especially when their own power feeds back into that fear. His family quickly spiraled from it, going from trying to figure out how to help him to neglecting him to dying very bloodily in front of him as a result of the constant psychological distress. After that he was cycled through different foster and youth homes with pretty similar result before striking it on his own basically as soon as he could.
Zan's main motivation is to find a way to get rid of his power. He hates it, hates what it represents and how it essentially stripped away his ability to connect with anyone. He doesn't control it, he doesn't activate it, it simply happens to him whenever he gets distressed and as someone with deep seated anxiety caused by that very same power, he gets distressed a lot.
He self-medicates. He self medicates a lot. I don't really have the world planned out but it's very much a world where powers are a new thing and the society just doesn't have systems in place to catch people like Zan. So he basically keeps himself high as much as he can, to numb himself out so he doesn't feel anything so he doesn't get scared so his power doesn't get activated.
When I created Zan, I expected him to be a very jaded, angry, abrasive character and in some ways he is. He's very slow to trust and tends to keep away from people. His first instinct is to mock and insult, he dresses like an emo reject, he's absolutely covered in tattoos, he's a dark humored pessimist and just not the kind of person you want to be around for long. He's also probably one of the most empathic characters I have on the roster atm. He's like, a natural big brother. Any kids younger then him, fuck older than him but awkward and unsure, he's instantly adopting. Fuck everything else, his kids now, he'll make them lunch and make sure they get to school. Zan is more so abrasive out of need than out of actual malice or bad attitude. He does want to be close to people he just knows how that always ends so keeping away is a lot safer. He is genuinely very loving and soft when he lets himself be. He's not great about advice but he's a good listener and the type to throw everything on the backburner to come and help a friend out. He is inherently kind, he just doesn't allow himself to be so very often, unless someone damn well takes a chisel and digs it out of him.
Fun fact time:
He's got a knack for painting and idolizes Van Gogh
He's got a cat named Shikei who he picked up after it got run over by a car, it likes only him and wants to see the rest of humanity burn
Here are his established tattoos, yes I have a copy paste for that too:
Full body tattoo in shape of a jungle of thorns crawling over his entire body, save most of his face. The whole piece is done in eerie, cold colors, with a sudden splash of warmer color here and there, the thorns themselves being colored in misty and muted blues and greens. Over his heart, there is a tattoo of a birds nest, but the nest is breaking apart, suffocated by the thorns clustering around it and breaking into it, its branches drenched in blood, the baby birds in it barely even noticeable. Along the length of his spine and over the width of his hips an ornate cross of st. peter is painted, also crumbling, red spider lilies breaking through the frail rock. His shoulder blades are covered in sunflowers, strikingly bright on the cold surface of the thorns and painted in Van Gogh style. There is a chain of daisies lines across his neck and down to his chest, covering an old scar and a tiny ring of roses over his ring finger. On the nape of his neck, two butterflies are pinned by the thorns, appearing to still be alive and in agony as their bodies are pierced. A silver snake slithers through the thorns on his right arm, though its shade helps it blend in with the color of thorns, it’s body a tiny bit coiled, considering should it strike or not. On the back of his left hand there is a tiny leaf bug, trying to hide amidst the bare thorns and on the outer shell of his ear, mostly hidden from view by his head, is a ladybug, wings spread like it is about to fly away. A swarm of blue butterflies paint the silhouette of his lungs across his skin and two koi fishes circle each other endlessly on his hip. In thorns climbing up and down his neck, there are tiny fireflies, just barely bright enough to be seen. Two thin thorn branches separate themselves from the cluster on his neck and climb across his temples, their thorns appearing to be piercing through his skin and letting blood flow.
The tattoo is still in progress.
This was the brief summary.
Ghost! Ghost is a lot newer than Zan, I only made them at the start of this year so they are a lot less detailed but they hit the ground running. Their tw are mostly prostitution and existentialist feelings but I'm not getting into anything in detail.
Their full name is Ghostown Verb and yes they did name themselves that. They are 27 and their power is Forget me not, as I said previously, as soon as they are out of someone's line of sight, to that person it's like they never existed. The memories of meeting them return as soon as they are back in the field of vision but uhh you can see how it would be super easy to lose a child like that.
Ghost grew up on the street in a kind of do whatever you can when you can how you can attitude. Turns out it's really hard to get help from anyone when they can't remember you as soon as they stop looking at you, which includes but is not limited to social workers, well meaning passerby, police, foster homes and landlords. The name and face for the paperwork doesn't exist and people just find themselves grasping at nothing, feeling like they are forgetting something but not knowing what it is. It works in some ways, shoplifting is a lot easier when you're sure that you can just turn a corner and be safe, but it's mostly just a hassle. Ghost is homeless most of the time and when they were old enough for it their career of choice became prostitution simply because it's pretty much the only job where the customer doesn't need to remember you after they're no longer looking at you and it's not like Ghost has to answer to any boss who would have to either.
They had not had a kind life but they are the let and let live type. They don't stress a lot about things and generally take everything in a fly. They are very extroverted, very loud, very friendly. They form friendships fast because they know they'll lose them fast and same goes with love affairs. They live in the moment because for everyone else the moment is the only place where they exist. Loud fashion, loud words, loud actions, provocative and noticeable, they just want to be seen by people, remembered by people, they want the attention on them even though they know it's useless. Much like Zan they also have no control of their power so all they can do is live with it. At least it doesn't bring anyone any direct harm, they are grateful for that much.
But it does leave them displaced, unanchored. They don't have any support system, no family, no long term friends. The system can't even remember them for long enough to decide it isn't equipped to deal with them. They flitter through peoples lives, there one moment and gone the next. The biggest impact they can hope to have is the nagging feeling of having forgotten something.
It's not like they are exactly sad about it, their main mentality is just not to worry about things they can't change. These are the cards they've been dealt with and play those cards they shall. At the very least they are having fun with their life, doing whatever they want with no one remembering them long enough to stop them.
But it's a lonely existence with no viable human connection. That much does get to them.
Fun facts!
They have a tattoo of a forget-me-not on their shoulder, I haven't decided do they have it before the plot whatever it is starts, or do they get it cuz Zan's influence.
They like to make their own clothes when they can, though having a stable enough place to be for a long enough time is rare.
Their biggest fear is that when they die nobody will remember to look for their body :)
That was a brief rundown of these two! If you made it to the end damn congrats I love you
#anon#oc talk#I CAN TALK A VERY LONG TIME ABOUT MY OCS THIS ISNT EVEN THE DEEP DIVE#it might look like i like ghost less cuz i got way less for them but bls remember that zan is like....fuck like 3-4 years old#probs 3 as he is#4 if we count the thrown away beta design#ghost was born in February this year he's not even a full year old what a baby#ahhhh but anyway thank you for asking im always super excited to talk about my ocs#thank you for letting me geek out!!!!#i am NOT going to spell check all of that rn its almost 3am if i wrote something badly you'll have to live with it#zan mori#ghostown verb#they should have their own tags they deserve it#zan#ghost
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