How do you differentiate being aro/ace from being scared of intimacy/dysphoric/ being not being attracted to a specific gender

And also

What do you think the differences between qpr and allo relationships are?

Like Qpr's can still have kissing and sex and everything right?

(sorry, this is coming from a really, REALLY confused transmasc person who's trying to figure out how I identify)

I'm going to be honest dude, I'm going to try to answer this but I'm in the same boat as you.

Now, for your first question, I'm not actually sure? Because for me I have a mix. I'm demi aroace, which basically means: I can't fall in love or have sexual intimacy with a person without a long established friendship first. And i really only diffracte it because I'm in a relationship.

Like I'm having a sexualty crisis because maybe I'm actually bi and not straight??? So yeah idk with the first one either bro.

Now, #2 the difference? Would be romantic feeling which honestly from what I learned the best way to difference platonic vs romantic is to listen to a love song and imagine it's you directing it at them.

Ok, #3 absolutely they can still have sex, kissing, snuggling all that jazz, I'd say the difference is romantic feelings but again I'm not that knowledgeable on that topic.

(Sorry if this was really long and for taking a while to get to it)

i hate the concept of platonic and romantic as a binary i hate the concept of platonic and romantic as a sliding scale of "less" to "more" i hate the concept of platonic and romantic as the only two options i hate the concept of platonic and romantic as significantly different things i hate the concept of platonic and romantic as all encompassing i hate the concept of platonic and romantic as the two halves of a shallow concept of love that doesn't actually encompass anything at all i think we need to overhaul every popular conception about "types" of love so we can talk about things that are real and true for once

hey, i love ur writing sm!! i was wondering if you could write a platonic chris fic (or romantic, whatever u feel like writing), where they're at a party or smth and he helps the reader out when a guy keeps hitting on her and won't take a hint. thank u in advance if you write this!

a/n: omg tysm for the request and the kind words. im glad you enjoy my writing and i loved this prompt. hope you enjoy <3

pairing: ace/aro reader x chris (platonic)

cw: this does have themes of some sexual harrassment and could be found triggering to some readers. please read at your own discretion. she/her pronouns used and y/n used.

wc: 1308

Halloween night. As was said in Mean Girls it’s one of the only nights of the year when a girl can dress in a revealing way and not get absolutely destroyed by other people for it. Now you found that trend a bit cliche but who doesn’t enjoy looking good for a party? It was a party held by the triplets who had quickly become some of your favorite people in the world. Chris especially, he was your best friend. He was like a twin flame for you, plenty of the fans asked if the two of you were dating but you were quick to admit that you are aromantic and asexual. When you first told Chris he seemed a bit confused and proceeded to ask you as many questions as his funny little head could come up with. You didn’t mind answering questions and you actually appreciated that he tried to understand your romantic and sexual orientation. After that it was history, Chris was like the brother you always wanted. You spent almost all the time with each other, going to concerts and sports games together. You frequently traveled with the triplets back to Boston and Mary Lou absolutely adored you. She’d often call you to get opinions on things she was planning to buy. The triplets found this absolutely adorable and would often tease their mom about it. Mary Lou liked to call you her daughter and honestly you didn’t mind it that much. 

You were currently sitting in Chris’s room watching him pick which costume he wanted to go with. Part of him debated going as Steve Harrington again, or maybe just being the 80s jazzercise coach again. You on the other hand had decided to be a little witch. Basic enough that you weren’t stressed out but could still be cute. Although you didn’t fully send into the sluttiness that usually surrounds Halloween you did have some skin showing. Chris told you you looked amazing which made you gush, you thanked him before calling him corny. “What? Corny!? I can’t compliment my best friend now??” You laughed at Chris’s fake offended face. “Nope!” You teased before looking back down at your phone. You scrolled through tik tok for a bit longer before pushing yourself up to stand. “I’m gonna wait in the kitchen.” You said and Chris nodded. “Ok, see you in a bit.” 

Within no time the triplet’s house had flooded with people, mostly people you knew but a few friends brought their new partners. One person’s partner brought their brother to the party. He was a tall built fellow with sandy blonde hair and hazel eyes. He was definitely conventionally attractive though that mattered little to you. You noticed out of the corner of your eye that he was staring but you just avoided him by walking away. You were currently sitting over on the couch next to a socially exhausted Nick. You nudged his shoulder and he smiled at you with a slightly pained expression. “How you doing bud?” He sighed and rested his head on your shoulder. “I’m so tired. Why are there so many people all the time?” You sighed, laying your cheek to the top of Nick’s head. “Yeahh, parties are kind of a lot.” As you both sat and sighed in antisocial feelings Larray danced his way over to Nick, grabbing his hand and smiling at you. “Mind if I take him?” You looked at Nick who seemed to get a little excited by Larray coming to him. You smiled at the man and nodded. “Go for it.” Nick soon got up and walked away with Larray. You leaned back into the soft couch, closing your eyes for a moment before taking a sip of your root beer. You only opened your eyes upon feeling the cushions next to you sink. You turned your head to see the brother that had been staring at you all night. You furrowed your brows in confusion, quickly looking to make sure you knew where Matt, Chris, or Madi were just in case. Though in the midst of your scouting the man had gotten closer to you. “Hey hot stuff, what’s your name?” You looked at the man, suddenly feeling the need to grasp your cup a little tighter. “Uh, Y/N. Can I help you?” The man smirked and leaned closer to you, placing his arm on the back of the couch behind you. “Let me make you a drink. You look interesting. I want to get to know you.” You tried to put a polite smile on your face before shaking your head gently. “Oh uh I’m sorry I’m actually aromantic and asexual so I’m not really interested in anything.” You found that most of the time if you just told them you weren’t into it they’d leave you alone. Hopefully this guy was the same, but to your dismay the man’s smirk didn’t waiver after you turned him down. You began to stand, seeing that he was standing with you. “Oh come on, I’m sure you just haven’t found the right guy for you.” His hand grazed your wrist, soon holding it with a frightening strength. Your heart began to race and you tried to move your arm away from the guy. “No thank you, I’d like to walk away now please.” He pulled you closer to him and you shut your eyes, fear overcoming your entire body. But instead of hearing his creepiness again you heard a familiar voice. “Hey bro she said she wasn’t interested.” You opened your eyes to see Chris standing between you and the guy. He was still holding your wrist yet you were focused on Chris and the anger that seemed to radiate off his body. “Hey man, we aren't looking for any trouble. Sweetheart and I were just about to leave. No need to get angry.” The guy said, his grip tightening on your wrist. He tugged you, making you step closer to him and farther from Chris. “I’m not gonna tell you again dude. Leave her alone.” You reached out to Chris, trying to let him know you were ok. That you could handle it and that he didn’t need to worry but it was too late. You saw the guy’s mouth open but Chris was staring at his hand that gripped onto you. 

Within a flash you saw Chris lunge at the guy, connecting his fist to his face and repeating. Suddenly the room fell silent as the creepy guy fell to the floor, CHris stradling to land a few more blows. The upbeat music was all you could hear for a moment before you snapped out of your daze. You quickly moved forward, grabbing Chris’s arm and forcing him to look at you. “Chris stop please!” You pleaded with your best friend, his ocean eyes boring into your own. He stopped punching the guy before letting you help him up. “Get out of my fucking house.” Chris said down to the man. “And do not EVER come back.” The guy looked at you before wiping blood away from his mouth and scrambling to his feet. He looked at Chris’s heaving body before turning and leaving, pushing multiple people away as he made his way to the door. You looked at everyone around you, most were speechless and your eyes landed on Nick and Larray. You sighed and grabbed Chris’s hand, intertwining your fingers before pulling him away from the party. Slowly people began to speak again but it was muffled behind Matt’s door. You shut the door and looked at Chris who looked directly back at you. Without a word you wrapped your arms around Chris’s torso, tears streaming your face as you buried yourself deep in Chris’s chest. He wrapped his own arms around you as he tried to catch his breath. He held you close to him as you sobbed, not wanting to let you go. “If I ever see that guy again I’ll beat the shit out of him.” You smiled gently at that, slowly calming yourself in his arms. “Thanks Chris.” “Of course Y/N. I love you, call me if anyone ever treats you like that again.” “Ok, I will. I love you too Chris.”

IDK if this is an unpopular take, and idk if its because I just have a lot of bad experiences with allo-norms and has constantly see how it hurts friendships and devalues them, but I'd love aro/ace's POV on this: I feel it would be more useful to label relationships by boundaries rather than a binary of romantic vs platonic. Friends can live together, raise kids together, have sex. Doesn’t mean they have romantic attraction necessarily. (And when romantic attraction is described as just a "stronger" form of platonic attraction like 99% of the time, it’s not helpful either - it bugs me when people say stuff like 'romance/sex is just an intimate friendship' which no. it really isn't IMO.) Categorizing feelings is difficult but people have to be so obsessed with “am I in love” they can’t focus instead on “what do I want my future with this person to be like” It should be more common for people outside of aro/ace spaces or even queer spaces to challenge traditional ideas of romantic vs platonic relationships even.

People really only hurt themselves and perpetuate toxic ideals by limiting themselves like that.

Like I’ve seen people be like “I cherish and value this friend above all else but I’m not attracted to them” and I want to shake them and be like “you don’t have to belittle your friendships because of allonormativity!!! You can value a friend that way!!! It’s ok!!!!”

But some people would tell them “you’re just in denial of your romantic feelings” and I want to shake them up too.

I could go into how romance/allonormativity is toxic in itself too but I don't wanna ramble too much; I guess I just have a lot of frustrations with allo-ism as a normalised concept and how, I feel it can be more toxic then not but I don't want to let my own bad experiences with it bring down others. This isn't to say ace/aro ppl are superior of course, like i said i think relationships should be determined by boundaries rather then binary.

This is a really interesting take and I actually agree with you on this. The idea that romance is the absolute highest form of love is restrictive for alloromantic people just as much as it is for aros.

I don't believe in the relationship hierarchy, especially when it's based on the type of love you feel for someone rather than yknow, trust, the level of intimacy or how strong your bond is. The type of love shouldn't be what determines how close you are with someone and placing romance above everything and putting up a border for when it's no longer "just friends" and is now romance is bullshit from both straight and queer perspectives. I personally hate the idea that two friends can't possibly be close without it crossing into the romance territory cause it's such a narrow view of how relationships work. Me and my best friend for example are very close, to the point where we consider ourselves to be like brothers and we have no romantic feelings for eachother, yet people still kind of assume we Must be "more than friends". As for stuff like friends with benefits, it shouldn't be so outlandish to consider that friends might have sex and still be friends without entering a romantic relationships. Especially in the queer community where sleeping with friends is considered pretty commonplace.

All in all, yeah, this is something to think about. It's kind of mind poisoning to view relationships as forming a hierarchy and it shouldn't be an aro-exclusive thing to deconstruct that idea

i’m super confused about this all the time so here we go. i’m a lesbian and i’ve been out for a few years now. i’ve been questioning if i’m ace or aro or aspec somewhere for about nine months, and i’m just not sure. i also have depression and anxiety, and i frequently lose possession of my emotions and feelings and become numb or i disassociate from my body, so sometimes i think maybe it’s just that and i’m not aspec. but i have this friend who i thought i liked, and i just kinda don’t anymore, i don’t like her as more than friends but we’ve nearly kissed a few times and sometimes i have this urge to kiss her for no reason, but when i think about it hard i discover i actually don’t really want that. and it’s not just with her, a lot of crushes i’ve had i’ve stopped liking them semifrequently for small amounts of time because i just didn’t buy them everything was fine again. i’m also a virgin, so i don’t really know if i’d like sex but i can’t imagine myself enjoying it, and i haven’t kissed anyone since i was nine and it was a boy and i don’t remember what it was like so i’m not sure if i’d like that. i say i want a girlfriend a lot but then i kind of thing about it and i’m not so sure i do. i’ve seen people on tumblr say they’re aroace lesbians but i’m kinda confused how that works and i’d love it if someone could clarify, i’m fairly sure that’s not me but i’d like to understand that identity better. also, in loveless when georgia is figuring out her sexuality she’s like surely people don’t just see random people and want to have sex with them. i’m reiterating that i’m real life. seriously is this a thing. sorry if this is confusing, i’m confused

Hello, anon! Thank you for reaching out. :)

You could certainly be an aspec lesbian of some sort if that feels right to you. Asexual lesbian, aro lesbian, or even aroace lesbian...all totally valid. As for aroace lesbian, what that means is that you do not feel sexual attraction or romantic attraction towards anyone, but your orientation leans lesbian for other forms of attraction, like aesthetic or platonic, etc. So you're not interested in sex or romance with anyone, but you are attracted towards women visually or mainly want to be in platonic (or queerplatonic) relationships with females. I hope that helps!

It's possible that you're grayromantic, and you have crushes, but they fade quickly or you only go through short periods of time where you have crushes/romantic attraction. And it's totally ok to be a virgin; you can still identify however you wish without having tried sex. :) It all comes down to attraction, not action!

Best wishes to you!!

even though i’ve accepted my aromanticism & embrace it, it still annoys me how finding someone i can love who understands me will always be a struggle. i either wish i was allo or strictly romance-repulsed to make things a tad bit easier. when i explain to someone that some days i experience a different attraction more than the other, they look at me funny. is it really that bad to be with someone but some days i may love them more in a platonic way and others a more romantic way? my attraction and desire for certain things fluctuate frequently. i think it’s neat that i can love someone in a deeper aspect differently almost every day, but most think i’m weird for it. i hope that makes sense. it’s probably the only thing that annoys me about being aro.

Yeah, it can definitely be difficult, Anon. I think there's just so many assumptions out there about what romance is, and how everyone is supposed to be feeling the same thing, you really do get a lot of people who just go 'does not compute' when you try to explain your experiences to them. Especially for some of the more lesser known/complicated aro-spec identities.

It's definitely OK to be frustrated. I 100% agree though that it's actually very cool you can love someone in different ways.

All the best!

sending you akutagawa and/or bram for character ask game

hii soda!!!

k imma do both cuz im bored :D

ok it got rlly long so it’s under the cut:

akutagawa:

first impressions- tbh i thought he was a weird ass bitch who needed cough drops bc his lil villain cough was making no one but the butterflies scared. like his ability was rlly cool but i didn’t really get him at first. also his name took me ages to pronounce 😭😭

impression now- genuinely one of my fav characters!!! he’s such a guy y’know. a goofy little guy. but i do rlly like his backstory and how he persevered and fought through ever and still was a morally bad person. like i luv seeing characters i adore suffer to hell and back and then finally find some sort of broken peace with themselves. aku allowing himself to value his own wants and needs after fighting atsushi and seeing him grow as a character is just perfect. 10/10 i luv him my blorbo forever <3

favourite moment- anything in wan tbh. i know i just went on a heartfelt rant abt aku but. wan aku is the true star let’s be honest. i mean look at him. just stare into those soulless eyes.

idea for a story- uhhhhh i not very creative gimme a sec… i think him finding himself with a pet would be cool. yknow like he gets attached to some stray cat and then ends up taking it in. and i feel like it would force himself to see that he can be a good person and there is beauty in life. the cat may or may not resemble a certain someone

unpopular opinion- ummm idk rlly? i guess i hc him somewhere or the aro/ace spectrum but i dunno if that’s an u popular opinion

favorite relationship- right so obvi sskk bc i am unoriginal and one with the masses. but. i luv it when chuuya and aku have like a father son relationship. or even when gin and him get to just hang out and chill. i just luv the idea of aku constantly chasing dazais approval and chuuya being like “bitch i fucking raised you the mf left after a year”

fav headcannon- hmmmm prob the hc tha he can’t cook? like he can’t boil water even. i just find it funny that it’s like the one thingy dazai passed down to him. father son duo that can blow up your kitchen in five seconds.

bram:

first impressions- i was so exited when i saw the name bram stoker omg. i haven’t actually read dracula but i’ve heard enough to abt it that ik brams ability would be sick. and god i thought it was so cool. and also the fact that bram was just a shish kebab was sending me and i immediately loved him

impression now- still absolutely in live with him and his character. he’s just like the biggest mood in all of bsd. and his and aya’s relationship is so freaking cute i luv them sm

favourite moment- either when he says he’ll be aya’s knight at the end, or when aya’s like bram what do we do about the apocalypse he’s like “sleep in a hole for a couple centuries.” i would love to sleep in a hole for 200 years every time i had a problem. it would be great.

idea for a story- i think it would be rlly interesting if it was a college and no abilities au and him and mary shelly and adam were besties. like it would be great. they would be the besties fr

unpopular opinion- uh i dunno… i kind of think that he shouldn’t have gotten his body back? at least not when he did? like don’t get me wrong he slayed and saved aya and stuff. but i feel like tbh ere was so much to use with his shish kebab state. i don’t know i think it was underutilized

favourite relationship- oh def bramcraft or lovestoker or whatever it’s called now. bram and lovecraft are ancient yuri and i will die on that hill. they can be eldritch monsters together. and be ancient together. that being said i like kunikifa and bram more platonically. like they become friends through joint custody of aya. and it’s one big happy family

favourite headcannon- oh i don’t know where i saw this but i luv the idea of him using like a cane or mobility aids. for balance probably, but i think it would be so cool for bram to have a cane. he’d look badass with it. best part is he can bonk ppl with it :D

well that got long. but it was rlly fun!!! ty for the ask soda!!!

im ill and incapable of real genuine human thought so im just going to talk about one of my favourite drafts that im working on and its this

-regulus & evan fake dating, ft aromantic regulus, endgame rosewater qpp AND endgame rosekiller.

-yeah im hitting evan with the polyamory beam. ITS CALLED PROJECTING!!

anyway its one of my favourite things in my google docs. some fun facts about it:

•barty & evan BOTH already like each other. evan also knows barty likes him back but thinks hes too much of a coward to say anything and his first thought is “okay, i’ll fake date somebody about this”

•oh and also regulus is just like “i mean alright i guess”

•regulus tells barty immediately. hes like “honest to god get your shit together” and barty is like “literally why would you do this” and regulus is like “i thought it would be funny”:

•you guys are all ALWAYS forgetting that if sirius pretty much raised regulus HES GOING TO ACT LIKE A TWAT SOMETIMES i love regulus being an absolute menace

•qpr. thats all i need to say. as a member of a qpr it is one of my all time favourite relationships in my life and i think not enough people write them. i ALSO think not enough people write aro characters as capable of emotion!! 90% of the time (in my experience!!) theyre just aro because the author couldnt think of a pairing for them and they felt bad. so anyway i changed that for this fic. and also in like… 3 other fics in my drafts. i love being in a qpr im in a qpr hey did i mention im in a qpr this post goes out to my beloved partner even though they will never see it

•sirius. sirius. sirius. i dont know WHAT it is about the black brothers but every single time i write ANY fic with either of them in they end up talking to each other. i cant stop them. im just writing and they say “we want to reconcile” and i say “that wasnt one of my plot points…?” but its too late! theyre already talking!

•regulus being SUPREMELY confused when he realises he likes evan <3 with the focus on the fact that he can still like him without it being romantic!! he has no idea what a qpr is but he’ll get there

•regulus GOES TO SIRIUS FOR HELP!! and sirius is like “ok i will help you” and regulus is like “what why” and sirius is like “do you want help or not tbh”

•but also regulus is like “ok so i have a fake boyfriend” and sirius is like “you fucking what”:

•the segment with sirius features a LOT of complaints from regulus (that part is his pov! it changes throughout between barty, reg & evan though) about the red of the gryffindor dorms. he is so upset by them:

•barty immediately notices when regulus accidentally catches feelings. hes like “…you thought this would be funny but it went like normal fake dating didnt it” and regulus gives him a very sad looking nod and says “i wont stop you dating him i still dont know what it is” and barty is like “getting over evan is too much work and id know, if he wants us both he can bloody well just have us both”

•spoiler alert for the fact that he does <3

-anyway. not much of this is written but i just wanted to talk about it! my dear best friend and the platonic loml is anti reg/evan (she could never get me) so… tumblr has to hear about it instead!

-oh also my fake dating experience is based in a little too much truth about my life (i did it) (its how i got with my partner) so! you know. you can trust the authenticity?

-thats all. i needed to get this out of my SYSTEM but it might end up on ao3 <3 anyways if youre a rosewater-er my ao3 is SUCH a safe place for you. my marauders pseud is hellenistic & my main is apartfromheartburn (but dont go there because its all anime fics i wrote 3 years ago) so my marauders fics can as such be found under hellenistic (apartfromheartburn). id link them but also i have a headache that will kill me if i stare at my phone acreen any longer so! thats not happening. end of this post! bye bye <3

OK, I'm not sure if I can phrase everything I want to say correctly, but I'll try anyway: YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!

Like, really!

Your art is just GORGEOUS, both old and new! And I love love LOVE that you included a bisexual trans male character! (SERIOUSLY, AS A BISEXUAL TRANS GUY MYSELF IT MEANS A LOT TO ME!) I just love Tristan so much, and (what seems to be) his li'l crush on Gabe is just adorable!

Although, to be honest, as much as I love those two (being laid-back and "looking for a dream boy" are two things I can heavily relate to), in terms of personality so far my favorite is perhaps Alizée, and design-wise it would be Noah. Like seriously, when it comes to Noah I can't decide if I just want to look like them or date them??? *fanboy scream* THEY'RE TOO COOL!!! (>////<)

Regardless, I just adore your comic, and everything about it. Everything looks great, everyone is adorable, the diversity is just AWESOME! Bianca and Penny's interactions are just so awkward, funny, cute, and relatable! I just love it! Thank you for bringing a little joy into my life as a non-straight, non-cis person looking for "rainbow" content.

Compliments aside, though, there's something I want to say. I just recently noticed you changed how you identify as, and I have to ask - how did you realize you were aro AND ace? If I remember correctly, you used to identify as aromantic and lesbian (sorry if that's not true, btw). Was it a case of you realizing you only liked girls in the aesthetic sense in spite of being open to intimacy and/or a relationship with them?

Sorry for the weird questions by the way, you don't have to answer them if you don't feel like it. I don't mean to be invasive, I'm just genuinely curious about such things, considering I am neither asexual nor aromantic exactly, and I have never felt any true semblance of being a lesbian (since I'm a trans boy who likes more than one gender, I could not feel any connection to the word "lesbian" when I learned about it even though I'm really into ladies).

If it somehow alleviates whatever discomfort I might have brought to you by bringing up a (possibly) unpleasant subject amidst such praise, I'd like for you to know that I have kind of aromantic/asexual -ish values myself. That is, in spite being a huge fan of romance and, er, "bedroom bonding," I think platonic love should always come first, and I always feel aces, aros, demis, and everyone in the ace/aro spectrum deserve better both in real life AND in fiction.

Anyway, I'm glad your art, comics, and characters exist, they're a treat to the eyes and a warm embrace for the soul, especially for LGBT+ people. I hope you continue to bring smiles to peoples' faces by being your lovely self, and I hope you always find people who do the same for you.

You are a rare jewel, and I wish you good luck on your journey as an artist, as a person, and as a human being.

(P.S. I just realized i made this message WAY too long than I had originally planned. I really went overboard with this one. Oh well... *shyly walks away*)

DUDE!!! I can't thank you enough for such an absolute essay I'm seriously so grateful for the time it must have taken to write this!! All your thoughts about my characters make me so so happy aaa I can't believe it <333

You're right, I used to identify as aromantic and lesbian and I still think women are very lovely! You're spot on, I'm definitely more into girls in an aesthetic sense I think they're funky and cool but god I would never want to date anyone.

I actually realized I am definitely asexual recently - basically w/o getting too explicit someone offered me the option to try "it" and it freaked me out so much it kind of set off an "ohhhh okay, I'm definitely not a sexual person" moment. Honestly, I kind of grew up being told I was too young to identify as asexual and to just wait until I'm older, but bro I'm older now and I still feel the same way so 🤠🤸‍♀️ Honestly I think my thoughts are if a label is resounding w you - give it a try, nothing has to be permanent! You're allowed to change your mind, there are no rules.

Anyway!! I just wanted to thank you again for writing to me and making my day, I hope you're absolutely thriving <333333

Ok I feel it’s time for a little update about where I am on my sexuality and such, since it’s been nearly six months since I completely uprooted my identity and started calling myself a lesbian at this point.

Firstly: recognizing that I have attraction has not made dating any easier. Not that I thought it would, and it’s kind of hard to date anyways when studying abroad in a kind of small program (I think we have MAYBE 50 people, not sure exactly though). I’m having trouble enough as it is just making friends because, hello, anxiety. I didn’t exactly expect that having attraction would make it easier for me to date, but it is something I kind of always thought helped. Maybe it would be different if I had like a full fledged crush at this point, but I still don’t and never have which leads me to the next point.

Secondly: sexuality is weird but romanticism is still pretty much as it was, I think. Listen, I am in fact a hopeless romantic and I do in fact desire to have a romantic relationship, but as far as the attraction goes, I think it’s still just not there. I have a sneaking suspicion that I may be demiro or greyro, but for now it’s aro until proven otherwise. Again, I feel this is connected to my difficulty with making friends and my anxiety around social interaction. You really have to work at becoming my friend and make me realize you want to be my friend, and even the people I have platonic attraction to I will not try to be friends with because my anxiety says so.

Also I’ve realized that even if i find someone attractive, it’s difficult to really be attracted to them if I don’t know that they are gay. It’s like, if my brain can’t feasibly see a future with someone, the attraction goes away (I think this may be the main culprit of why my attraction has manifested so late compared to others, tbh). This is also true of when I watch tv shows or movies with attractive women. Katie McGrath? Love her. But can’t get myself to be fully attracted to her, because she’s just so much older than me. I just don’t think I can really have romantic attraction so someone I don’t know or who I can’t see myself with, it just doesn’t make sense in my brain. There’s a reason friends to lovers is my favorite trope.

Lastly: I keep emphasizing my sexual attraction to women, but in reality I think it’s a bit more complicated than that. I don’t know, people are people, and attraction is a weird thing. I think I can be attracted to both (or, rather, all) but lesbian just feels the most honest to me because women are the only people I feel comfortable in a friendship with and therefore would be the only people I can see myself in a relationship with. Maybe this will change in the future, but for now I don’t really want to acknowledge my attraction to nonwomen (any more than I am right now) because it seems irrelevant and just not in line with who I am as a person.

I hope these update posts are interesting to people. I do just like to shine a spotlight on my experiences and say “hey this is what’s been happening with me, can anyone relate?” on this blog because stuff like this has always been really helpful to me in figuring out what’s going on with my own identities. Let me know if you relate! I love to hear everybody’s stories!

my platonic polyamory

polyamory as an aroace is fuckin wild

(i say this as someone who fluctuates in and out of their ace label. some days I'm ace, other days I'm allo. it's confusing and wild and probably has a lot to do with medication rn. anyhow, i have a lot of empathy and personal understanding for each side of that spectrum.)

i made a post a while back that was something along the lines of "my version of polyamory is just holding hands w all my friends"

and like, yes

to expand upon that, bc that definition is still pretty loose, i think I'm coming to better terms with the word "platonic."

not every aro person is alloplatonic and i probably am alloplatonic but I'm also a recovering people pleaser and i think that contributed a ton to my struggle to feel close to friends (not the only struggle by a longshot but still)

somehow my closest friends have also been people who are neurodivergent, which says a lot for my own neurodivergency: an aspect i often overlook or forget bc i was diagnosed as an adult, so i spent forever framing my life that way, so ofc I'd forget i have ADHD and "oh that's why I do that!!!" happens a lot.

but like. back to "platonic."

i never understood platonic attraction when i first heard of it. i heard the term squish and was like "wut." i understood what it meant for other people and I respected that but i never ever felt like i had a friend crush on anyone. i had crushes that were aesthetic and sexual but never platonic that i was aware of. maybe i wanted platonic things to come along naturally but idk. i don't recall ever looking at someone and thinking "ah yes i want to be their friend so badly!" i don't think i experience that, and if i do, it's demiplatonic, which is hilarious if you think about it, because that requires that I'm ALREADY FRIENDS with someone before i realize how much i want to be friends with them. and that's if that happens at all.

yeah, no, most of the time i just enjoy hanging out with my friends and doing normal friend stuff but once I'm done doing that I'm done and I'm off to my own stuff again. i enjoy being out in public and i have a social job so i like being in social environments to get my people time indirectly, and friend time can be a nice way to relax and explore, but often times I'm just meh? like it's cool but also mm ok. i just do things with people based on how interested they seem in hanging out with me and how much i enjoy hanging out around them and whether we get along during our planned hangouts. seems weird to type it out that way, but that's how my brain operates. kind of how my mind works for sex as well, but that's a different post.

but platonic used to be kind of a dull word for me. like, it really lacked the excitement that romantic held for me, especially in terms of the books I'd read or the movies I'd watch. they were so much more exciting and always filled with some kind of fantasy adventure if i could manage to find that genre. i loved that stuff. it was about people who came to really know and understand and care about each other through their journey and they overcame things together, or they overcame things by applying what they learned from each other. i thought that was the best damn thing ever.

fast forward to me learning I'm aro. and now I'm looking back at all those relationship dynamics in the stories and movies i enjoyed, minus the unearned, not priorly verbally discussed romantic elements, and I'm like OH SO THAT'S WHAT PLATONIC RELATIONSHIPS ARE.

like sure I have friends who are very much acquaintances, work friends, etc. people i don't see outside of work often, people who i don't talk to very much, but people i still care about. and then there are my Friends who just AGH i will go on a whole expedition with them if they're up for it. and i love that. and some of my friendships didn't really have that foundation but have it now, some of them are still developing that, and some were like that from the start (shout out to my aro friends we are INSANE and go on adventures every damn day somehow).

but to me, Platonic is when your people go with you on quests and Tolkien-esque adventures. u can't change my mind.

1, 5, 8, 9!

hey!!! i apologize for answering this so late!! but thanks for the ask friend!!!

Top 3 Doctors?

oh goodness!!! as i grow up these change a lot, so im gonna give this a long answer couse i can (also i physically cannot not over explain things hehe)

when i was younger andjust got into the show: 10, 11 and 9!

now that i finally expirianced more of doccy who: hmmm wow this became so much harder to answer actually, even doctors i don't think about often i like some parts on but if i had to choose... for now... 8 is defenetly up there! and its francly a battle between 9 and 1, but also 10 my beloved, but also 11 was so importent to me growing up that its hard to even put him on the list couse i cannot be possably objective on him at all, breaking my trans and autistic egg, so, even as through the years i find myself loving other doctors more, and he is not part of the list much these days, he is still automaticly part of it so its pointless to actually put him there? hope that made sense! i love 1 so much, did not expect to adore him as much as i do, but what can i say eventually he he he and ho hoed himself into my heart. also after rewatching some of 10 i finally rememberd how much and why i loved him as a kid and i do not think it was nostalgia that keeps him high for now. also also 6 is such a suprise but he is pretty close to being on the list, which is fucking impressive concidering i only expirianced one audio of his (of which you know lol). also 5!!! baby fun 5 is also fun!! but not on this list yet. to recap: for now its 8 (wow i did not expect for 8 to still stay up there so high but he is so fasinating and relatable and babygirl and gender and actual canon mewo mewo and weee), 9, and 10 or 1! but 11 is still automaticly in there, hope that makes sense!!

5. If you could pick any companion to travel with any Doctor, who would it be 

omg ok ok ok ok, so, after thinking about this quastion i think i had the random idea of Donna and 1... omg the amount of shananigens they can get into holy shit, they would probably apear to not get along in the beginning but i think that after a while i think they would get along really well???? i see them as having a similer relationship to 1 and Viki, in a way of two idiots scheming their way to political infuance and having to get out of situations by the skin of their teeth, but Donna is probably is wayyy more intent on calling the doctor out in much more direct ways so it can have the potencial of some great argumants and character development. ok now im in love with this idea

8. OTP? 

omg omg omg omg okkkkk so, within doctor who i will say its not usual for me to actually have a ship with the doctor, as i see them being more of an aro ace not realy feeling that way towards anyone kind of person. (not that that stops me from enjoying the occesinal doctor x compaion, its just not something i activly will ship) so its mostly companions, so within companions, Ian and Barbara all the way!! no matter romantically or not, Ian abd Barbara are so tied to me, they are defenetly at least life partners all the way, they can't imagine life without each other!!! they just live together with love and joy and the understanding that no one knows how they changed and grew apart from each other, the true trauma bond couple who lives their lives together for some peace and fucking quiet lol

but if we are going the least canon complient possible: 5th doctor and 8th doctor all the way!!! gosh darn it i adore them to absolote bits, the two most inoffencive doctors finding comfort in each other, healing from trauma together... damm are they cute

9. NOTP? 

fuck lol, hmmmmm, Donna x 10th doctor all the way, i don't have any hate in my heart to those who ship them, i see it! but to me they are very important as platonic friends, and their closeness and emotinal moments are my go to to discribe my wish for a life parnter myself!! they were the original couple that gave me hope as an aro ace person to have close relationships liek that in my life, and to this day they are one of my if not the absolote fave platolic relationships in media, my qpps forever

thanks for the ask!! i apologize for the longness of the answer lol, thank you for asking!!! have a great day friend!!

i wasn't sure which one of the aro questions i should ask so answer whatever 3 questions u like most

Oh bless you anon, you could ask any that you fancied!

But OK fabulous I will pick some.

Where do you fit in the aro community (ex, alloaro / aroace / nonSAM aro / etc)?

Alloaro, sexual attraction is the uncomplicated side of life LOL. I’m also arospec rather than aromantic, because I have experienced romantic attraction before.

How long have you known you are aro? 

(more frustrated horse noises). I swear I had posted something on tumblr about this realisation, but can I find it??? Of course not. Some time early 2021 was announcing it to myself.

My whole life I’ve never had a romantic/sexual relationship with anyone. It tends not to bother me, other than what I would phrase as “I want to be someone’s most important person”, which is the desperate attention whore in me lol and technically isn’t a romantic or sexual desire, though of course it’s unlikely to be  fulfilled any other way (mumbles about amatonormativity). My mum still believes I’ll find someone, which,like, I am in my 30s. I have had a lifetime of not sharing my life, my bed, my time. I’m not sure I could comfortably accommodate another person in stereotypical couple living conditions now even if I did love them.

In 2020 I had an unsuccessful (for several different reasons, including covid) attempt at starting a relationship, which made me realise that I might actually be less likely to create romantic feelings than other people (previously i’d just assumed that you either found The One immediately or that romantic feelings just grew for everyone over time. I had to explain dating to myself somehow lol. the whole dating thing feels like nonsense to me.).

Then in about Feb 2021 my best friend of a decade started Going Through Some Shit and I discovered that adding the resulting increase in emotional intimacy to the cocktail of ten years of bestfriendship + existing lowkey sexual attraction = romantic feelings. Mainly of the “I wish I could fix it for you” variety, but romantic feelings nonetheless. And then I was like, ooooh okay, so this is the deal. This is an unusual feeling, I don’t know if I’ve had this before.

And then (thank you a decade on Tumblr steeping me in both microlabels and anti-gatekeeping concepts) I just shrugged and said okay, and called myself demi. I’m still not sure if that’s the correct label, so sometimes I use greyaro or arospec.

Do you have any aro-spec headcanons?

Oh yes! I have blathered about all of these before but yes, let’s go over them again.

Annis is aromantic and allosexual. She doesn’t feel romantic attraction like she knows other people do, and she’s not bothered by it. Happy in her skin.

Glain is ... well, I waver constantly between making her aroace or aroallo, but regardless, she’s aromantic, and romance-repulsed.

Wolfe is. Hm. We say Nic-sexual a lot on here, and like, basically that lol. Wolfe has had one romantic and probably one sexual attraction his entire life, and it’s to his Niccolo. Exactly which label to pick for that, who knows? Demi? Definitely neurodivergent??

Morgan is arospec, label unknown to her or me lol. Based on her thoughts in Smoke and Iron, where she admits that she really cares for Jess, but doesn’t love him.

I was browsing microlabels yesterday and oops now i have a new headcanon: Thomas is nebularomantic, which is basically quoiromantic (can’t distinguish romantic from platonic feelings) but exclusively for neurodivergent people. Because I also headcanon Thomas as neurodivergent of some sort, and I absolutely interpret an awful lot of his canonical relationship with Jess as blurring that line between friends and “in love”.

Kwamis do fall in love

But what if kwamis actually can fall in love, but it's just Tikki doesn't know it? Here's my headcanon:

What I mean is that, well, there's a Kwami of Emotions, there's a Kwami whose power is detect other's emotions and decidind who would be the best akuma, and I'm pretty sure that out there should be more Kwamis emotion-related powers. Now, romantic love is such a complex emotion and mostly difficult (not saying impossible) to understand if not feeling it first-hand. You can't say me that emotion-related Kwamis don't fall in love.

Also, I refuse to believe that Plagg's "sUgAr CuBe~" behavior is just a platonic thing. So, a non-emotion-related-Kwami also can fall in love, why wouldn't others?

Then why did Tikki say that they can't?

Well, I'm pretty sure that in Kwami-culture there wasn't a word o the concept of "falling in love" or "romantic love", that those were human creations. As it, depending on the time/era/place, humans had and have a very specific way to describe or act when it's romantic love matter, and Tikki just doesn't feel like it, nor the other Kwamis, the ones who can feel romantic love they just act different to humans, so Tikki thinks they don't feel it either.

(This part could be a little inaccurate since I don't remember very well Tikki's behavior in the show) You see, I don't think Tikki is the most emotionally-smart Kwami. Sure she knows when and what others are feeling, but mostly when it's obvious or when she knows the other one pretty well as Marinette or Plagg. And sure she can give advice or comfort when it's needed, but just because Tikki is smart by her own, and most of those emotion-related advice are just... basic. "Tikki, I'm feeling sad", "Ow, what a pity... Just smile and it'll be ok at some point". But when Marinette needed a more complex advice, Tikki didn't know what to say. I mean, Tikki lived with humans during ages, had a lot of holders, and still she didn't know what to say to Marinette when the girl was in a situation that probably other holders have been in too.

And last but not least: i really think Tikki is arromantic. Just Tikki. (Ok, maybe more Kwamis beside her, but not all of them). I can really say, it's not uncommon to not know that you think that what you feel is normal, even if it's not represented anywere. When I was 11, I really thought that falling in love doesn't depend on the other person's gender but their personality. A couple of years later I learned that people actually is straight and what I felt wasn't as common as i thought, that I actually was (and am) bisexual. Similar things occurred to some ace and/or aro people, who doesn't really understad attraction but just accepted other people are like that. I knew some ace people who thought that all the attraction thing was an exaggerated behavior but tacitly agreed that that was ok, but deep down everyone feeled the same way as them, until they descovered that they were actually asexual.

In brief, I think Tikki is arromantic and thinks the others Kwamis are too, and they can't contradict Tikki cuz (despite probably most of them are actually aro too) they don't feel romantic love as same as humans do, thing that leads them to believe that they don't fell romantic love at all when they actually do.

(Excuse my english, it's not my native language).

Hi, sorry for the confusion! I'm the anon that asked about the aro-spec MC!! I don't know if I can explain myself well enough, as I have trouble wording thing and Eng is not my first language!!

Aromanticism is a spectrum, so some people can feel full romantic attraction (like demiromantics!!), some feel it sporadically (grayromantic or aroflux), and some don't particularly feel it (aromantic). I'm going to count directly the last one now though, since that seems to be the focus!! Some aromantic people still actively desire a romantic relationship, and though the way it is felt varies from person to person, some can actively feel towards someone a lot stronger than "just" friendship, processing their own feelings about that person differently from someone who is not aro-spec. I'm not sure if I understand your perplexity well, I'm sorry, but some aro people can love just as strong as non-aro people, it feels a little weird to say that just one part (the ROs) love in this context!! But regarding how to write it (?) I think it could work with like, letting the Mcs feeling be a little more vague? Like, being happy to be around the Ro, being physically attracted to them, or even somewhat flustered/conscious of their presence, but never in a specific "ok I'm in love with this person" type of way? Maybe like a romantic relationship but slightly more blurred!! Also not sure why the other anon went directly for an aroace addressing when I never mentioned asexuality in the first place... Aroallos are a thing...

Again I'm sorry for causing so much confusion, it wasn't my intention!!!

referring to this ask

you've returned! yeah i was confused about bringing up asexuality too 😅 and thank you for explaining, I def understand what you're asking better now.

The answer is still kinda no, because I'm not writing romances with that perspective in mind. But I think the answer to this ultimately, kinda... can't be determined by me? Specifically because these kinds of feelings sound like they could potentially be interpreted from platonic text...

But to put it simply! No, I won't be writing this sort of dynamic as an established romance path or type of relationship. Increasing the attraction variable with an RO and changing romantic relationship status with them will include alloromantic text for the MC. But I'll keep this perspective in mind as I write! I can't see why a few choices here and there that increase the friendship variable can't add a slightly romantic or more than platonic feel to some moments. (while being clear about that in the choice text ofc lol)

No promises, but I'll try to be mindful of it! And thank you again for breaking this down for me! I'm always striving to understand the gigantic umbrella that is the LGBTQIA+ community and all the nuances of being in it and part of it. It's important to me on a personal level to keep learning about us (all of us), so I really appreciate you coming back and making sure I understood what you mean :)

and don't hesitate to correct me if I didn't understand at all and I'm talking outta my ass 😆😆

So I just started talking to someone, we met on ACEapp just wow yesterday, and I already really like them and they like me. They are a romantic person and I’m demi-aro I think. Already we relate a lot and I love calling them cute and handsome and when they call me cute and handsome and anyways. I think what I’m starting to feel is alterous attraction, but I’m not sure how to tell the difference between romantic, alterous, platonic, etc. I’ve been in different types of relationships before, but this is the first relationship that I would be in since figuring out I’m aro-spec. We still aren’t anything but friends and they’re very understanding and sweet, but I’m just curious if you or anyone else has any thoughts on how to tell the different types of attraction. Or how other people figured things out what they were feeling or whatever. I know that I don’t need a label but it might help me figure out what I want in a relationship with them if we end up becoming partners or something

~wolfyboi

It can be tricky to tell sometimes what attraction you're experiencing, and alterous can have some romantic elements that can make it even trickier. One thing that may help sometimes is imagining or writing out different scenarios involving the person you're attracted to, and see if you feel more drawn to some than others. Sometimes that can give some clarity or at least help you figure out what actually appeals to you. It's also OK to try things out in real life and see how you like it, just make sure you communicate well.

Often for romantic attraction the pull is to do romantic things/be in a relationship defined as romantic, for platonic, the pull is usually to be close/be important to the other person, but it doesn't feel romantic. And even if the person experiencing platonic attraction is comfortable with a romantic relationship (and this can vary), the appeal is that it accomplishes the goal of being close, the feelings themselves don't feel romantic.

Alterous attraction can vary a lot from person to person, but can be used by anyone who's attraction doesn't feel fully either. And sometimes they're interested in a specific type of relationship, sometimes want a relationship that defies boundaries or sometimes don't have a strong preference for what type of relationship they have just as long as there's a strong emotional bond.

It's also worth noting attraction isn't always clear or distinct like it is when we discuss it. Sometimes it's open to some interpretation exactly what attraction you feel like you're experiencing.

I'll throw this out to followers too, for anyone who experiences romantic, alterous or platonic attraction, do you have any advice or tricks for identifying those types of attraction?

All the best, and good luck, Anon!