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heliza24 · 4 months

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Being a physically disabled Dimension 20 fan breaks my heart sometimes

I’ve been thinking about this since last Wednesday’s episode when we finally got a real scene with Lydia, one of the few physically disabled characters in the entire canon of the show. It was nice, but it was really just a lore dump. An excuse for exposition. A moment for Kristen to look good by expending sympathy/pity. (I’m a little frustrated about how that interaction went down. Extending the help action was nice but patronizingly touching the neck of a full-ass adult without consent was not. It was weird and not something she would have done to a nondisabled character).

I have watched almost all of D20 (still missing a couple of seasons) and as far as I know here’s where our list of canon physically disabled characters stand: Lydia Barkrock, Jan de la Vega (who feels pretty problematic to me, maybe more on that in a later post), one of the Dwarven statues in the temple in The Seven (who is not given the dignity of being brought to life like Asha), and Pete’s coworker in TUC2 who is in exactly one episode and is so unimportant I have forgotten his name. I guess you could make an argument that Gunny is disabled, but I don't feel that Lou or Brennan really talk about him or play him through that lens. So in terms of canon physically disabled PCs-- that leaves us with 0.

We do a bit better with neurodivergent characters and characters with mental health problems; Ayda (my beloved) is very well developed and Adaine is a PC. There have been some openly neurodivergent players, like Omar and Surena, whose characters also read ND to me. But that isn’t labeled or discussed in canon, so it's hard for me to know where to class that. I am going to focus the rest of this post on physical disabilities, since that is my area of lived experience. If another fan wants to write about their perspective of neurodivergence rep in the show, I would love to hear that, and will happily amplify.

There has never been a character with a sensory disability or a limb difference or a chronic illness (not a fantasy one, a real one) on Dimension 20. The only NPCs we have are nondescript, similar wheelchair users. And there has never been a physically disabled player at the table. On the flagship show of Dropout, a company founded on diversity and inclusion. It feels extremely pointed to me.

In fact as far as I can tell there has only been one (1) physically disabled performer on any of Dropout’s shows. (Shout out to Brett, you were great on Dirty Laundry.) Obviously I haven’t seen every episode of everything they have produced. If I have missed someone, please do let me know in the comments/reblogs. But it’s a problem. And Sam Reich even agreed with this criticism when I asked him directly about.

I do really hope they’re working on it, as Sam says. But why has it taken so long?

Dimension 20 has had trans and nonbinary and queer players. It has had players of many different races. I’m not saying that the diversity here is perfect; there should always be more POC in the dome, more queer people. We should keep pushing for that. (And we should also push for performers at the intersections of these identities!) But we’ve seen the ways this diversity has expanded and improved the different seasons, because diverse players create sensitively drawn, diverse player characters. They add details to their PC’s experiences that make them feel rich and alive. I’m thinking about each of Ally’s PC’s incredible capital G gender and Aabria “all my characters (even the stoats) are Black” and how excellent they all are. D20 would not be the show it is without this input.

And yet. And yet.

There are 1,000 interesting and complicated themes to explore around disability. Dealing with access. Dealing with ableism. Dealing with compassion and community care. Dealing with none of it and just being a cool fantasy or sci fi character that happens to be disabled. We don’t get any of it.

I watch my favorite show and I see myself in the ace rep and the female characters. But I don’t see all of me. I see a silent but ever present message: you aren’t quite welcome here.

I have this fantasy that I play in my brain sometimes that someday I’ll get to talk to Brennan in person, like maybe if I buy a VIP ticket and risk Covid to go to a live show or we run into each other on the street or something. I am able to look him in the eye and articulate why he NEEDS to include a physically disabled player in an upcoming season. I reference the ways he’s talked about inclusion and writing diversely on Adventuring Party. Maybe I hand him a handwritten letter, or hell, a printout of this post. And because he really cares about diversity and his shows and his fans he would listen to me, and cast a physically disabled performer in the next season.

But I think that might be giving that nondisabled man (whose work I adore, who I respect so much) too much credit. Because he’s had Jennifer Kretchmer, a physically disabled actual play performer, on adventuring academy to talk about access in gaming. He’s hired disability consultants. He knows about physically disabled people, enough to give us shoutouts as inconsequential npcs. And he still hasn’t thought to include us at the table. In over 20 seasons. None of that other stuff matters if we aren't given a seat at the story telling table, and the agency to craft our own narratives equal to other participants in the game.

When Lydia was telling her story in the last episode, I kept wishing for a prequel, where she is more than a plot delivery device and a kind but unimportant parent. I want to know about her adventures with her adventuring party. I want to see a talented, wheelchair-using actor play out the scene when she decides to put the gem in her chest. I want to hear about what happened after. I want to know how she survived. I want it so badly it hurts.

I am in the process of trying to find new indie actual plays that feature more disabled talent. I am learning how to GM myself so I can tell these kinds of stories. But it’s not the same as being a fan of something. Sometimes I don’t want to have to make my own representation. Sometimes I just want to turn on my favorite tv show, the one that I have cosplayed from and written metas about and loved whole heartedly, and see myself included.

If you’re another disabled or neurodivergent fan I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. If you’re not, I’d love for you to reblog this. I would love for the absence of physical disability in this show to be a topic of fandom conversation, at the very least.

#dimension 20 #d20 #my crip media reviews #being a fan is hard sometimes #and being disabled means you get left out of “diversity” all the time #I love this show so much it hurts #I wish it could love me back a little bit more #fantasy high junior year #fantasy high #my meta #dropout #dropout tv #Sam reich

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drdemonprince · 2 months

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Have you ever found it worth floating the possibility to probably autistic people and maskers (close friends, family, etc) that they might be autistic?

I have tried it a couple times and it seems to just make people get really defensive and upset with me (which I can handle), but then also people start to hold me at arms length. My intention is to bring us closer together by talking about our shared struggles and how to improve our lives (which was totally fine in the past talking about our shared traits without the autism label), but attaching the possibility of autism to it has the opposite effect. The people I’m around are VERY adhd-affirming, and I see how having that connection over the mutual struggle brings my adhder loved-ones together, and I really crave that type of connection with the people I already love and have so much in common with.

You shouldn't tell someone what you think their identity ought to be, no matter your intentions.

For one, many people who are masking or undiagosed harbor deeply stigmatized views about what Autism even is, and so they will not take the statement as a positive declaration of belonging, but rather an accusation that they have failed to conceal what is most frightening or vulnerable about themselves. Exposing their most hidden side will make them feel very unsafe and judged, even if your intention is the opposite.

Telling someone that you think they might be neurodivergent also suggests that you know them better than they know themselves, which is untrue, and may feel invasive and unwelcome to hear.

Your friend could be the most obviously Autistic to ever Autistic from your point of view, but the choice of how to self-define still falls solely on them. There are many different ways for a person to interpret their experience, and they might arrive at some other word or concept that better does their experience justice from their perspective.

our identities exist to help us make sense of our lives and express who we are to people, on our terms. Most neurodivergent people are absolutely sick of always getting defined from an external point of view. We don't need member of our own community doing that to us further.

If you have benefitted from coming to understand yourself as Autistic, you can and should speak about that openly and positively. That will be enough incentive for anyone else in your life who is neurodivergent to explore the possibility for themselves. If you vibe easily with someone because you share traits in common or seem to naturally understand one another, let that be enough. Tell the person you feel comfortable around them and that spending time with them helps you to accept yourself. That is a much greater compliment than telling someone who they must be.

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heathersproship · 8 months

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guys i dont mean to hate or anything i really don't, so i'm sorry if it sounds like that. i'm just a little confused, though. i really just wanna see proshipping from your perspective since i'm very confused and i wanna see it from all perspective. also i'm really sorry if this seems rude i swear i'm not trying to be i just wanna understand 😭

You’re good, no worries!

Proship is being decent to your fellow fans. It’s recognizing we all have different tastes, and understanding that those different tastes don’t mean one of us is automatically wrong. There’s no “right or wrong” when it’s a matter of opinion because opinions are not facts.

Here’s an analogy I hope will help.

Think of fandom like a party. Parties are fun. You come here to have fun.

Now think of fiction as the food you find at the party (since we consume it). To really narrow it down, let’s use pizza.

There’s the classic cheese pizza (genfic), pepperoni (fluff), olives (angst), olives and pepperoni combo (hurt/comfort), sausage (smut), and pineapple (darkfic) to name just a few. They’re all side by side at the table, and each one is in its own big pizza box labeled with large letters so you know exactly what you’re getting from which box. CHEESE sits on one end of the row, PINEAPPLE sits on the other. None of them are touching each other.

Let’s say you really like cheese. You’ll eat all the cheese pizza you can get your hands on, but you hate pineapple. You think it’s the most disgusting thing in the world, and you wouldn’t eat it for $1mil. In fact, you wouldn’t eat it if it was the very last morsel of food on earth and you were starving.

You arrive at the party and make your way to the table, ready to chow down on some quality food. But on your way to your beloved cheese pizza, your precious, you pass by the icky and dreaded pineapple pizza.

What would you do?

A) ignore the pineapple pizza, take your cheese pizza and walk away from the table

B) warn other people not to take the pineapple pizza because “it’s disgusting!”

C) make a scene about it, screaming “OH EWWWWWWWWWW WHO PUT THAT GARBAGE ON THE TABLE WHERE THE FOOD IS?? YUCK! GROSS! THERE ARE CHILDREN HERE!”

If you answered A, that’s what being proship is. Proship isn’t blindly approving of everything at the table just because it’s there for you to consume—it’s supporting the right for everything to be there even if it doesn’t do anything for you. (ex. I like incest, but I don’t care for smut, and if I happen to see that my bestie is reading smut while sitting right next to me, then I hope she’s enjoying herself!) It’s labeling the pizzas so people can take what they want and avoid what they don’t want. You understand that there are other people at the party, and not everything there is exclusively for you, and that’s okay. That’s great, actually, because you can eat cheese with party friends who also like cheese, and for those friends who don’t like cheese, guess what? More cheese for you! No one feels bad, it’s a win-win all around! Party on!

If you answered B, that’s less okay. While your intentions may be good, it’s ultimately not your call whether others will find the pineapple as disgusting as you do. While you could be saving someone from a potentially horrible and traumatizing experience, you could also be depriving them of a really good one. It’s up to them to decide whether they like it or not, not you. Things are a little awkward, but still salvageable.

If you answered C, you’re an anti. You make the party a lot less fun with your outburst, and now people are afraid to go near the pizza for fear of taking the “wrong” one (even though there’s no wrong answer—never has been and never will be). You think everyone who likes, much less actively chooses to consume, pineapple pizza has something deeply wrong with their brain, and if you find out a disgusting pineapple-lover so much as breathes in your direction, you’re going to personally kick them out yourself because people who eat the literal garbage that is pineapple belong outside like the disease-ridden RATS they are, not inside at parties where they could poison everyone—especially the young, vulnerable, impressionable CHILDREN—with their RABIES. And while you’re busy moralizing over pizza, making it your business what other people put in their mouths, the other party-goers are feeling bad about themselves for the crime of... simply having a different preference to yours. They can’t help what they like or dislike any more than you can. They’re not rats, and they definitely don’t have rabies. They’re not going to infect you or the (literal or figurative) children with rabies they don’t have. Some of the pineapple pizza lovers might be children, are they condemned too? Or have they simply become “lost” and you’ll “fix” them to like the “right” things? Oh, but it doesn’t stop there. Once the pineapple is gone, then sausage is the Bad Pizza, and then olives (oli&pep combo is on thin ice), until there’s only one or two “safe” options to pick from, and if the party-goers don’t like them, they’re just as bad as the pineapple-lovers, and the sausage-lovers, and the olive-lovers. Filthy vermin, all of them! Banished! Begone! And when that party has died down, you’ll find another party to go to and do it all over again! Sounds exhausting, and I don’t recommend.

...this kind of got away from me but I hope it gives you something to chew on! Let me know if I need to be clearer! I tried to make this as short as possible!

#proship #proshippers please interact #antis dni #antis don’t interact #proshipper safe #anti anti #anti harassment #not heathers

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raavenb2619 · 8 months

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Does coming out lead to too much focus on labels?

(I don't really have a main thesis I'm trying to convince anyone of, I just had a thought and wondered what other people thought.)

When I had recently figured out I was ace/aro/nonbinary, I really cared about finding the right labels for me. And the aspec community in particular has so many unique perspectives and labels that you can apply to yourself. What kinds of attraction do you feel, how do you label your orientations and attractions, what model do you use to think about attraction, how do you think about relationships, how do you feel about sex/romance/relationships, etc. It was super eye opening to learn about lots of different terms, and different ways of thinking about things, and things I'd never even thought about or thought I even could think about, and I ended up applying lots of labels to myself.

But, it's been many years since then, and over time I've grown less interested in applying specific labels to myself. I'm still queer/ace/aro/trans/nonbinary/polyam, but I don't really use other labels. (And depending on the situation, I might end up omitting labels when vagaries work fine.) That's not to say that I don't have affinity with other labels, whether that's "I'm similar to what this label describes" or "this label provides an interesting perspective that I like", I just...don't use other labels to define my identity. If I'm comfortable enough talking about something that I could use a label for, I'll just describe my experiences directly, instead of saying "I'm [blank]".

And, I wonder if that shift from specificity to vagary has to do with coming out. For a young aroace like me, part of why coming out was so nerve-racking was that I felt like I had to prove that my identity was real, and having specific labels I could point to and say "look, this is real, I'm not making this up, other people are like this too" was super helpful. But, it's been many years since I've come out, and I'm more confident and know who I am, and that insecurity that I fought back with fistfuls of labels and well-rehearsed explanations is gone. (With the potential exception of QPR-related discussions, which feel kind of like coming out again; I might make a post about that some time if people are interested.)

Every time I've ever come out, or seen someone come out in real life or in media, it's always been "I'm [blank]", but I've never seen someone come out as "I'm not cis/straight". It's always a declaration that you are a specific thing, never a statement that you aren't something someone thought you were. I remember really wanting to make sure I knew exactly what I was and didn't come out as one thing and then change my labels later, because it would mean I'd have to come out again and it would be embarrassing that I got things wrong and maybe people would start to doubt me and not believe me when I said I was something in the future. But, people don't have to be a fixed, immutable set of labels forever; I'm comfortable with using vague labels for myself and letting myself be vague and nebulous and fluid without frantically trying to label every single part of myself. (And, in fact, I did technically get my labels slightly wrong the very first time I came out, and everything turned out okay in the end.)

So, maybe coming out puts an undue pressure on finding specific labels and making sure they're exactly right; maybe coming out should also be able to be "I'm not cis/straight". What do people think?

(This is not to say that specific labels are bad, because they can often be very helpful! Specific labels were helpful for me when I used them, and their existence can spark conversations and lead to new perspectives and learning. Even as I'm finding vagueness and nebulousness to be better for me right now than specific detailed labels, other people can be finding that specific detailed labels give them a sense of belonging and community and identity. But, I still wonder if coming out placed an undue burden on younger me to find all the right labels when vagueness could have worked just as well.)

#i had a random thought and i decided that i should post it and see if people had thoughts #gonna try to do this more i think #since i randomly have queer thoughts that i'd be interested to discuss with others #my thoughts #queer #lgbtq #original #aspec #aro #ace #aromantic #asexual #nonbinary #trans #enby #transgender

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inagetawaycarxo · 11 months

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Diesel Is Desire ❪ MOB!BOSS!ROMAN ❫

— PAIRINGS: MOB!BOSS!Roman Reigns x F!Reader

— FEATURING: Roman Reigns, Y/n, other wrestlers, Jey Uso, Jimmy Uso.

— SYNOPSIS: Y/n comes back after being away from an injury to find out everything has changed, that he has changed.

— WARNINGS:: Just some angst, because I am in an angst mood and I'm still depressed over a dude who didn't deserve my love/ me catching feelings for him in the first place, typical Roman behaviour, prob crap, errors I missed.

— AUTHORS NOTE: I hope you like it!,

— DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT give consent/permission for my work to be copied and pasted on other platforms. However, I highly encourage feedback, likes, reblogs, and comments.

Roman let out a heavy sigh as he sat next to you. You continued to look at the stars in the sky.

"I hate seeing you hurt," Roman spoke softly. Pressing the ice pack against the bruise on your temple.

"Well maybe you shouldn't put me in a situation where I end up hurt by you," You snapped. Snatching the ice pack from him and getting up.

Roman let out a huff of annoyance.

"That wasn't my fault," He spoke in an angry tone. It only made you let out a scoff.

"No, because nothing ever is, is it?" You snapped.

"Y/n..." Roman sighed, it was a long day, and nearly losing you to an enemy, put a lot of things in perspective.

He didn't want to lose you, but he couldn't replace his wife like that. No matter how hard he tried to move on he couldn't. he did love you though, it just was hard, was all. But seeing you get attacked by his enemy made him realize he could at least try and give it a go, to put a label on it. But you... You had a different idea, that little attack made you realize you weren't important to Roman as you thought you were. You were just another woman to warm his bed. To fill the void of his dead wife, you meant nothing to him.

"I'm done, with whatever this is, I mean you didn't even bother saving me, you let me save myself," You snapped.

"I saved you, don't ever say that I didn't save you," He shouted. Standing up. You looked at him with fury in your eyes. If looks could kill, he would be dead.

"The last minute, but what's new I'm used to saving myself, I'm used to being second best, or not even a choice," You shouted. Tears falling from your eyes.

Roman snorted... Pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Y/n," He huffed out.

"I used to think you didn't want to make us official because I'm the daughter of one of your enemies, but I don't think it's that...I think it's her...it's always her, you're not over her... and you are just using me to fill the void of her death, but it doesn't work," You spoke in a shaky voice.

"Don't talk about her," Roman snapped, getting up in your face. Which made you let out a gasp a bit. His eyes were filled with anger.

Roman was about to speak but you interpreted him.

"I'm done, go find some other bitch to keep your bed warm, to fill the void," You snapped. Roman flinched when he felt your palm hit his cheek hard.

Once you slapped him, you turned around and rushed to the side gate of his backyard. Opening the latch. Pushing the gate open. You quickly took off running, while tears slipped from Roman's eyes.

Tears blurred your vision as you ran down his gated neighbourhood. You didn't care what anyone thought. Breathing heavily. You ran until you couldn't anymore. Collapsing onto the ground. Your dazed state didn't realize someone was following you. You didn't even notice the headlights of a car, nor hear it park. Nor hear footsteps making their way to your sobbing form, until you felt a hand on your shoulder.

"Oh, y/n... what have you gotten yourself into, come on, let's get you in the car," A familiar voice spoke. Making you stop crying. You avoided eye contact.

They helped you up, putting an arm around you and guiding you to their car. While reassuring you. They opened the passenger door. Helping you get in the car. Putting the seatbelt on for you, before closing the door.

Silent tears fell from your eyes. You quickly wiped your tears away as the driver's door opened, and they got in. Though wiping them only seemed to entice more to fall from your eyes...

I highly encourage feedback, please leave a comment.

#wwe x reader #roman reigns x reader #roman reigns x you #roman reigns imagine #roman reigns angst #wwe imagines #wwe imagine #wwe angst #wwe fic #mob!boss roman #wwe #roman reigns

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vendettasfanfictioning · 6 months

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I need more fics framing The Rupture as something necessary for destiel—it hurt like a fucking bitch, sure, and it was a low blow for Dean to hit Cas exactly where he knows Cas hurt most (in being the problem or a burden), but also. Looking at it from Dean's perspective, it really did feel like a move that old, early-seasons Cas would do; withheld information, acted on his own, took risks that could cost others.

And when it all piled up? From Jack's soulless behaviors directly killing Mary, to the deal with Belphegor in hell costing them Rowena. Again, hard agree that it was one of the most painful lines dropped in the show (especially so if you remember that this is post-Empty deal), but context guys, context.

Plus, I believe this separation wasn't only long-time coming but also a pretty important addition because what is destiel if not a pair of stubborn idiots who can't communicate. That's not to say an argument is necessary to talk (it can be, in certain situations, sure) but they've been on different pages since Cas came back in S13.

The center of their disagreement seemed to mostly lie in their belief in Jack. I can't remember a time they really sat down and smoothed things out so much as they avoided talking about what happened during the Widower arc altogether, and that's when the wound really began to fester. (It didn't help that they had to deal with so many problems all at once; the Brits, Asmodeus, Apocalypse World, Lucifer, then AU Michael...)

Here is what we know that Cas believed (from the canon narrative): Jack formed a bond with Cas, even before he was born he somehow showed Cas a possible future; paradise. It's the same power, perhaps a protection mechanism with nephilim seeing as God labeled them as Abominations, that turned Kelly as well. What we know Cas saw (from the deleted scene/script): Cas' paradise consisted of everyone he loved, his family, being safe. This included Sam, Kelly, and Dean on a beach, with more focus on Dean as he tells Cas, "thank you."

From what we could see that Cas did not, Dean had enough resentment against Jack that wasn't going to magically go away overnight. Jack hadn't formed the same bond with Dean that he did with Cas.

What happened before Jack was born: Heaven and Hell both sought out Jack for their respective goals, an innocent woman was going to die from the sheer magnitude of giving birth to a Nephilim, and Cas left by what Dean assumed was delusions and manipulations. What happened when Jack was born: Mary fell into a portal to a different universe—a rift that only opened due to the anomaly and power of Jack's existence—Kelly died, and Cas got stabbed right in front of him.

And this isn't to discredit Dean's love for Jack, when he did allow himself to love him or see him as family, but you can love someone and still resent them or feel bad about them. Moreso during extreme circumstances, however unfair or illogical it may be. Again, did they ever really talk? Maybe my memory is failing me but I'm pretty certain they didn't, or at least never in great detail, or came to an agreement about it.

Dean and Cas... just had so much dirty laundry and Rupture made sure they aired it all out. But I think we, as a society, would benefit greatly from not framing Dean as the big bad villain here or Cas as some poor innocent bean. Supernatural's theme was never about brotherhood or family, it's about how shit could have been so much easier if they just communicated.

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anarkittyuwuuniverse · 1 year

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I'm feeling a bit conflicted about the whole self-diagnosis topic. Like I would say I generally lean towards being pro self-diagnosis, a diagnosis can be expensive, really difficult to get, having it on paper can have negative legal consequences and so on. Besides, coming from an anti-psychiatry perspective I think it's generally good to take the authority of psychiatrists down a notch, to recognize them as being flawed and biased humans too who frankly don't have as much access to a person's whole being as they themselves have, and then of course being critical of the conceptual validity of 'mental illness' as well. But I feel like being anti-psychiatry leads me to think that we need to keep the same critical eye on self-diagnosis that we have on formal diagnosis. Really it might be a little bit misleading to even call it 'self-diagnosis' in the first place, as if we're talking about the self-evaluation of a completely separated self, and not a self that exists in the context of peer-assessment, a social network of information and a culture (whether online or offline) with an increased vigilance towards psychiatric diagnoses. And these communities - despite not being institutional or professional - sometimes kinda do the work of the psychiatric industrial complex for it, by validating, legitimizing and expanding these categories to such a huge degree, which is how we get people talking about every little behavior in the language of 'symptoms'. What I'm saying is that while I think self-diagnosis is fine, it matters how it's done. It matters where you get your information from, for what purpose you want to label yourself with this category, how you come to understand it as well. Labeling yourself with a diagnostic category if it generally fits your experience can be somewhat helpful in coming to understand yourself better, but building an illness identity can also come with a load of negative consequences; like limiting yourself way more than needed, or to understand what might just be fleeting reactions to environmental pressures as eternal 'symptoms'. I saw someone on TikTok saying that it shouldn't be surprising that there are so many people with autism and ADHD on TikTok with it being a dopamine machine and having an algorithm that caters to your special interest. But then I could say that the reason I personally don't use TikTok is because I find the app really overstimulating and too fast-paced for my processing capabilities. I could easily frame this as a result of 'my autism' and make a sort of generalized statement about autists' relationship to this app and thus the legitimacy of 'believing' the people on it. But I really don't feel like making everything about symptoms and generalizing huge groups of people based on my personal experiences. So why does this person do that? I think what these kinds of discussions sort of miss is that whether or not the people on these social media communities are 'valid' is way less important than 'what do these platforms want with them?' TikTok has an audience that's trained on short-form fast-paced content that probably lowers their attention span somewhat. Could such an audience be more likely to identify with ADHD? Does TikTok have an interest in 'selling' the identity of ADHD to this audience? To give them a community that keeps them attached to the app, that keeps them engaged, maybe even instills a sense of pride in using the app and consuming this form of content? After all, it's a 'symptom'.

#anti psychiatry #autism #adhd #neurodiversity #anti tiktok #self diagnosis #i don't really know if this was very coherent but i'm just sort of expressing my thoughts #also how do i get my friends to stop using tiktok? lol

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tombfreak · 2 months

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if someone (me) wants to write (or roleplay) a character with Antisocial Personality Disorder, how do you think they should do it? What are questions that can be asked about the character in order to develop or flesh them out more (like, "how does your character act in blah blah situation")? And do you have any books/excerpts/short stories that have a character with ASPD that you can recommend? Your blog and many others' blog really helped me in understanding how ASPD works, which ends up in me being able to develop this character more. However, I'm still not sure how to actually really write in this character's perspective, mainly because I still want to understand the littler details. I really just don't want to accidentally write something that ends up not being true lol IG if it helps, my character w/ ASPD is very apathetic and he believes that showing emotions is weakness, so he always has a poker face.

Holy fuck I completely forgot I had this blog LMAOO My bad. Anyways.

First off, as a writer, I always try to avoid giving my characters any labels of a disorder especially a personality disorder, cuz it feels cheap. Its easy to just throw a label on them and call it a day, but its harder to write them in a way where they would be diagnosed with ASPD yknow?

Like for example, you can say a character has anxiety, and boom, theres a new trait. But are you able to show this in your character without using the word "anxiety"? With ASPD, or any personality disorder, you need to be able to show this characters habits and mindsets and behaviours without having to use the label "ASPD".

I think the best representation of a character with ASPD I have seen in Dr. House from House MD. I was absolutely amazed by how much I could relate and how accurate it was to how I experience, and have seen others act, with ASPD. And the best part is that they don't even say he has ASPD until way later in the show, but that doesn't change a single thing about how he has acted up until that point.

The main thing about cluster B personality disorders is that there is a maladaptive and dysfunctional way of thinking and acting ingrained into this person. And the way they view things and behave actively causes them issues in their relationships, social settings, work, etc. It differs wildly for everyone though, but the one thing that is pretty much the same for everyone with ASPD is that their core fear is being controlled, and they value self-preservation above everything else. It's them against the world, and they are constantly grasping for power, control, and social dominance in order to protect themselves.

So some questions you can ask about your character is:

1. How do they experience empathy and remorse? ASPD is known to be a disregard for others and rules that actively causes issues in their life. In what ways do they disregard others feelings/rights, and do they feel bad about this? If they do feel remorse, what overrides this to make them keep acting in anti-social ways?

2. ASPD is a disorder. It causes a lot of issues in a persons life, especially with the law, authority, and hurting peoples feelings. In what ways does your character suffer from their behaviour and ways they think/view the world?

3. How do they view the world? What do they value the most? What are they willing to do to protect themselves, and how do they respond to perceived threats? ASPD is known for reactive aggression, where they will respond with hostility at a perceived threat (even if there wasn't actually one, they often take ambiguous remarks as hostility)

4. ASPD symptoms must have also been present in childhood (symptoms of conduct disorder shown before the age of 15). What was your character like as a kid? What caused them to act out? Who were the primary influences in their development, and how did that influence who they are today/how they think?

Remember that people with ASPD are often rude, harsh, callous, insensitive, and lack a proper moral code. They may act hostile towards anything that feels like control, especially being told what to do, or having rules to follow, including social norms like morality, political correctness, manners, and empathy. They often look out for themselves before they even think about looking out for others, and they are willing to do anything and put anyone down or manipulate a situation to protect themselves.

People with ASPD are often good at making excuses for themselves and avoid punishment for their actions, or completely disregard consequences and repeat their mistakes over and over again. This is partially due to a mindset of "you can't tell me what to do/you can't control me/fuck you". There is a lot of defiance.

And of course please remember that ASPD is a spectrum, and there are mild to extreme cases, and it presents differently in everyone. The main thing is that it causes distress and dysfunction in the persons relationships and life because of their disregard for rules and others. And that they fear being controlled, and value self-preservation.

And while people with ASPD are usually insensitive assholes (love ya), we also are people. We are human beings, not problems. We are human beings, not pricks. So make sure to write your character with hobbies and interests and redeemable traits and with positive qualities as well. Dont have their entire character written revolving around the idea of ASPD. People are complex, and there is much more to someone than their disordered behaviour/mindsets.

Also what you said about your character being very apathetic, you could tie that in to a lack of care/disregard for others which Im sure you were already planning on doing. But also remember that ASPD isn't just a quiet, apathetic, emotionless robot disorder. In reality, ASPD is pretty loud. Its angry, and destructive, and aggressive. Cluster B PDs are classified as emotionally unstable and erratic, and ASPD is no different. So make sure you remember that while he may not care about others, apathy/lacking empathy isn't a criteria for ASPD (though its heavily correlated). Check out the DSM-5 criteria and make sure your character qualifies. Also, you don't get diagnosed with ASPD just cuz you think antisocial thoughts. You get diagnosed cuz of the way you behave and interact with others/the world, and the problems that causes you. Most people with ASPD will be diagnosed through the legal system. So make sure you show the antisocial tendencies of your character, as I mentioned before with separating them from the label.

I hope this helped a bit, mb for the late ass response LMAO Good luck

#aspd #cluster b #psychology #actually aspd #antisocial personality disorder #aspd things #cluster b pds #personality disorder #aspd awareness #aspd positivity

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mbti-notes · 4 months

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Anon wrote: Hello! I've been following you for a while and you've given really good insights about types (I was quite blown by the way you've been able to read into INFJ's shame and what not. It was really cool to read.)

Anyway, I am an ENTP and recently I've realized that my sense of empathy is rather odd…I am able to understand others, I can predict how certain things may affect others emotionally within logic, however my sense of empathy never truly reaches me. I know it sounds a little weird, but truly I find so hard to be moved by things that often move others, or to care beyond the basic courtesy. I can understand how and why someone feels in x way, however said empathy often comes from logic more than actually feeling in the shoes of others.

At the same time, I take my sweet time when it comes to understand my own feelings. Like, I can experience something that leaves me feeling weird and take a whole day, nap included, just to realize I'm kinda angry or sad or surprised. This inability to guide myself through my own feelings or even experience what others experience has caused me some troubles through the years, because of course, despite being able to read others, one is bound to fail or misunderstand at some point.

From running my mouth, having bad timing, to doing hurtful stuff that in my view were not hurtful at that moment (because I somehow reached the wrong conclusion in my attempt for empathy) I often find myself a little on the sideway when it comes to feelings of vulnerability, to the point I even end up pushing myself through stuff that makes me uncomfortable after I failed to understand I was weirded out on time; or even the opposite when I end up stating that I am really angry just to realize I didn't even cared that much.

The fact that I am a woman and people tend to expect women to be more sympathetic doesn't help either, so it's not rare for a group of people who knows me superficially to think that I am too reactionary/intimidating/out of reach/aggresive/harsh when in fact most of the time I'm trying to be friendly and outspoken, all while my inner circle define me as very lighthearted and even motherly. And, keep in mind, I am actually very adjusted socially, quite functional. I'm the type of person who will push through depression and very bad scenarios out of will which has been incredibly useful in dark times, but again I wonder if it was less will and more me not being vulnerable at all.

So, do you think this is some kind of failing in my Fe? Is this something that happens often to ENTP's or maybe I should check on other things like mental health etc? Do you have tips that could help me being more understanding of my own feelings? (Thank you before hand!)

-------------------

Generally speaking, the focus of therapeutic psychology is mainly on the individual. Behavior is labelled "problematic" when it causes pain and suffering and negatively impacts one's ability to live life in the manner one aspires to. It is a self-evaluation. Since you claim to be functional in daily life, there is no reason to believe that you have any mental health problem or disorder.

However, abnormal psychology is but one of many perspectives through which to understand the human mind. E.g. What about highly functional yet existentially unhappy people? What about people who live a comfortable life but still yearn? What about people skilled at brushing aside issues to keep moving forward in life?

These people might not suffer from any serious mental disorder, but that doesn't mean there isn't enormous room for improvement. The subfield of psychoanalytic psychology helps people get to know themselves more deeply. The subfield of humanistic psychology helps people understand and fulfill their needs better. The subfield of positive psychology was created to tackle subjects like: how to live a better quality of life; how to flourish and thrive; how to realize greater potential.

You've described a psychological "issue" that you struggle with at times, but not to the extent that it poses a serious problem. Whether this issue is common for ENTPs with tertiary Fe is not the right question to ask. If I say "yes", then what? If I say "no", then what? Unless your behavior is very harmful, it's not for me or anyone else to tell you that there's something "wrong" with you. I don't want to play the role of judge and jury.

The question boils down to: What, if anything, do YOU want to do about this issue? The motivation to change shouldn't come from me saying that there's something "wrong" with you, as though I'm your parent. You should have some kind of intrinsic motivation, stemming from deep within your own soul, to improve yourself and your life. Unfortunately, without this intrinsic motivation, many people end up choosing unhealthy paths to self-improvement.

From your description, you have the capability to be emotionally aware and empathetic. However, "capability" is different than "ability". A capability is something you can potentially do but perhaps lack the knowledge or skill or will to do well. An ability is what you possess after you've put in the necessary hard work to learn the knowledge and skill required to do something well.

Of course, there are certain capabilities that are harder to develop for some people than others due to genetic predisposition. But this shouldn't be a barrier for anyone seeking personal growth for the right reasons. When you have the right intrinsic motivation, you understand that self-improvement isn't about being "the best" but about being a better you.

At any point in life, you get to choose to be a better you by turning your capabilities into abilities, by realizing more of your potential. To be clear, there's nothing "wrong" with refusing to. However, when you refuse, are you making the choice consciously, fully aware of the implications? Refusing essentially means you will never truly know that aspect of yourself nor see its benefits. And then you are likely to feel a strange "hole" in your existence, as though part of you is missing.

How does this relate to tertiary Fe? Generally speaking, people have plenty of capability or latent potential with the tertiary function. However, to develop latent potential and learn how to use the tertiary optimally requires a lot of difficult self-work. Why is the tertiary difficult to develop? Two main reasons:

1) It can only come after sufficient auxiliary development, which is hard enough. It sounds like your grasp of Ti is average at best, perhaps immature but not unhealthy. You use Ti in its most basic form to understand and solve problems, including human problems. However, it seems you haven't yet learned how to use it optimally to turn your capabilities into abilities.

2) People often don't understand the true value of the tertiary function and perhaps even unconsciously resist developing it in the right way. Most people use it merely as a tool to gain some egotistical advantage but then discard it whenever it becomes inconvenient. Does this not encapsulate your relationship to emotional life?

Chasing the good aspects while rejecting the bad means you don't have a full appreciation of the function. If you care about Fe, which includes having a healthier relationship to your emotional life, then you must learn to appreciate its true value and WANT it. Nobody can convince you or force you to develop a function that you overlook, ignore, or disdain as it suits you.

Gender may or may not play a role depending on how you choose to react to societal expectations. Rebellion against gender norms is sometimes necessary to promote fairness and equality, but it can also work against you, if you just end up resisting or rejecting things that are good for your personal growth.

As explained in the guide, type development is about improving your self-awareness, with the implication being that knowing yourself better allows you to make better judgments and decisions in life. It is entirely your decision as to whether you're going to: stop devaluing Fe; become more aware of its role in your psychology; accept and embrace its presence with both its positive and negative aspects; and fully integrate it into your way of being.

If you choose to take your personal growth in this direction, your emotional awareness will certainly improve which in turn will help improve your empathy for others. I've explained before that empathy requires both the cognitive and emotional components to work at its best. So far, you have favored the cognitive (as it relates to Ti) and been resistant to the emotional (as it relates to Fe). Rectifying this imbalance requires proper auxiliary and tertiary development, such that they complement rather than interfere with each other.

I've already written about emotional intelligence and recommended books that provide advice for self-improvement. The tools already exist, so it is a matter of study and practice. You say you want to be more understanding of your feelings but then your actual behavior toward feelings suggests otherwise.

For example, instead of being patient and vulnerable and listening to feelings in order to become more aware of them, you treat them as alien or as a nuisance, unwilling to take full responsibility for them. In terms of type development, it is this kind of ambivalence that keeps people stuck in a rut.

In short, is your question really about whether you "can" do it, or is it really about whether you have enough will to change and grow? Until this is clarified, your true purpose remains muddled, and that will continually limit and slow your progress.

#entp #auxiliary ti #tertiary fe #tertiary #emotional intelligence #empathy #capability #ability #ambivalence #development #growth #intrinsic motivation #ask

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prettyrealm · 11 months

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i love ur blog fr… one of my least favorite things about the tarot community (not just kpop) is how some people alter or water down their readings (or just aren’t perceptive enough) so that their content is more positive and validating for consumability… and the people who choose to be honest and direct get ate up 😭 divination can be harsh. idk why people are here expecting validation or only positive things. most of these idols are not nice!!

if you want a romantic story and enjoy living in denial, go to ao3!! wattpad or something?? y’all are looking for fanfiction. there are soooo many writing blogs on this site.

and i also have soooo much beef with like, pop culture tarot readings on youtube and tiktok that are clearlyyyyyy not too good in quality, but people eat it up blindly because it tells them things that they like to hear and never anything critical. i have a theory about that being one of the reasons why people assume honest readers have bad intentions or are hating on people. i don’t think people realize just how common it is to read on someone and get the vibe that they’re shitty in some capacity, or not even having to rely on intuition and to be directly told that there is something off about someone. idols aren’t usually any better than the average person, and the average person usually has bad traits. period. some are worse than the average person.

also… i have a problem with how it’s seen as perfectly fine to share the positive traits we’re able to pick up on through tarot, but sharing the negatives is seen as invasive?? like girl either it’s all invasive or none of it lmaooo. you’re okay consuming content that makes you feel like you’d be attractive to someone or reading about what their personality is like, but it’s too much when that same person says that they’d potentially be a bigot or have issues with stuff like anger? that’s when it’s too much??? 😭😭

Thank you so much for stopping by to show love!! I really appreciate your perspective and agree with pretty much everything you’ve said. 🩷

People were shocked by @dreamofmetoday and l’s ideal type readings being so specific and descriptive and we didn’t get why until we tapped in with other peoples readings and realized most are just saying very vague things or just things that EVERYONE is looking for in a partner (for example, kind, sympathetic, loyal) or just things that make it easy to self-insert in general. I think the self-insert aspect is a main reason people put such an emphasis on only focusing on the positive.

I also get asks demanding I tell them how I get such specific and detailed answers when it comes to things like homophobia/race/misogyny whatever, and it’s like, that’s just how it works? Makes me wish more people would get into tarot themselves so they could see.

The “romantic love story” crossover stuff that you mentioned is why I think you’ll often come across readings, and even PACs, on here that are like a wattpad story. like you said, many readers know there’s a large audience for this. For example when it comes to PACs, 3 pile PACs are a very quick and easy way to get followers and likes, but overall don’t exert a lot of energy and limit the amount of people who can actually connect with the PAC but then each pile will be filled with nuance, details and specifics and the reader is able to just say, “take what resonates and leave what doesn’t” to get away with it. How is someone even supposed to know what truly resonates and what doesn’t for a future spouse reading anyway? Not to mention, how can these readers suddenly get so much detail for a random pac and then not in their other readings or personal readings? There’s just a lot of predatory behavior in the tarot community unfortunately (thank you to melody’s anon for helping us label this finally too), and in turn, it creates a huge misunderstanding of what to expect from readings when you know nothing about tarot.

Not saying all 3 pile PACs are bad of course btw, because that would be ridiculous. There are of course situations where the 3 pile format makes sense, but a lot of them on here are just baiting.

In regards to positives being welcomed with open arms and negatives being considered invasive, it’s literally just nonsensical and honestly, a little weird (often the result of fetishization or idolization etc. so to say this under the pretense of high morals is odd… to say the least). I’ve seen people say things like “who are readers to decide what’s a negative?” when that’s literally not the case, it’s not a case of the reader “deciding” anything, I’m literally asking specifically about the negative traits. It makes me wonder what questions other readers are actually asking in the first place to even come to the conclusion that we would assigning these traits ourselves. Or the argument that “humans are multifaceted so we shouldn’t assign them blah blah blah” like… yeah… duh they’re multifaceted, which is why there’s literally a positives section? It just seems like they reach for excuses to defend their main point that the negatives of these men’s personalities just shouldn’t be acknowledged. It almost makes me feel like some people make these blogs to even improve their idols overall image on a smaller scale or have more control of the perception of it.

I really LOVE how you said “it’s either all invasive or none of it is” because that’s something Melody and I talk about together all the time. Their love lives and “kinks” aren’t invasive topics, but everything that could ruin someone’s fantasy about an idol is. In the end, you’re only allowed to post readings that let you daydream about being their best friend, boyfriend or girlfriend with no complications or obstacles I guess lol. Thanks again for sending this ask! It was really cool to unpack this and see that there’s a reader/follower on the same page. 🩷

#kpop tarot #tarot #answered #really great and insightful ask!#tea = clocked

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lee-thebee · 1 year

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Dude I don’t care that Gravity Falls ended ten years ago, I’ll never forgive the fandom for the hate that Mabel pines got. Now, did Mabel never do anything wrong? Definitely not. But did she deserve the hate she got? Is she the “worse twin”? Also definitely not.

First, shows needs imperfect characters. If Mabel has never done anything wrong it wouldn’t be realistic or relatable. She shouldn’t have run off to mabelland, but she was just a kid. The word was literally on the brink of falling apart, she was angry sad and needed to escape. Dipper might handle his emotions better, but she’s human, and she’s never been put in a situation like that ever, having to leave behind the only person who’s always been there for her.

Second, dipper doesn’t just give up fords apprenticeship for Mabel’s happiness. He gives it up because HE realizes that HE wouldn’t be happy without her, and a lot of people misinterpret his decision. Also, as bad as mabelland is, I think that what helped him realize how miserable he’d be without Mabel was being around all of Mabel’s weirdness, and of course seeing through the memories how much they’ve helped each other throughout their lives.

Third, dipper was put in more situations that caused more sacrifices than Mabel, so we shouldn’t expect her to make these crazy sacrifices when she wasn’t required to like dipper was. I’m not saying Mabel never did anything wrong. But she learns from her mistakes throughout the series, making her an extremely well developed character.

Fourth, she complements dipper so well, he could not get to where he is in the series without her. Mabel’s unique personality allows her to see the world in a special way. Dipper may be the brains, but she’s the perspective, helping dipper see things in a way he would’ve never thought to see him. And if you notice through the show, dipper laughs because of mabel. He smiles because of mabel. He is happiest when he’s with mabel, and THATS why he sacrifices so much for her. You even see dipper say in his conversation with Wendy in weirdmeggedon part one:

“You’ve already defeated bill twice, why is it any diffrent now?”

“Because back then I had Mabel.”

Also, how could you hate someone who literally works so hard to just be a nice person and make other people feel happy? Mabel is the only character who would go far out of her way to make someone else feel better, and people ignore all the good things she’s done and label her as selfish for those few bad things she did.

it’s much easier to understand/forgive Mabel’s actions if you have a sibling you’re close too, like if my sister were to leave me for a year or more when I was 12/13 I would be just as terrified as Mabel.

“You’ve just gotta role with Mabel’s weirdness, dude. It’s what makes life worth living.”

-Wendy

#gravity falls #mabel pines #mabel gravity falls

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desifleabag · 10 months

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I am shedding skin

Hey there, if you're reading this, I hope you're doing well. Remember to take care of yourself – eat right, get enough sleep, and maybe even give yourself a little pep talk in the mirror (even if it's a bit tongue-in-cheek). I'm all about that lighthearted, progressive humour! But jokes aside, I genuinely wish you the best.

Today's blog is a bit different. Let's imagine we randomly met up in a bustling city. Picture us sitting down with our chai or coffee, just having a real talk about our lives. So, get comfy in your chair – figuratively speaking, of course.

I used to be that child who disliked her childhood while idealising the idea of growing up into an adult who could earn money, own a house, and achieve all her dreams. It was as if I envisioned a gleaming castle but had no idea how to attain it. At times, I find myself wishing I could sit down with my 10-year-old self and tell her, "It's alright to dislike being a kid because you feel confined and powerless under the expectations of others in your life. Childhood dreams and aspirations are like ice cream – they seem like they'll last forever, but they eventually melt away. You believe that children's boundless and creative energy often goes unrecognised and is simply labelled as “young blood”,' isn't that right? I hear you and I understand. However, living an adult life comes with both the depths of loneliness and the dazzling heights of success. I comprehend that." Throughout my life, I've carried this perspective, and now, as an adult, the image of that castle fills me with anxiety. I'm afraid of the possibility of being crushed under the weight of the glass and the gleaming castle. The never ending “ what ifs' ' never left my hand and I think I also didn't leave because it gave me a sense of self control.

Lately, things haven't been going so smoothly for me. I mean, my mental and physical health are both kind of shaky. I've been going to therapy for about two years now, and it's been a wild ride. Some days, I feel like I'm making progress and getting better, but on other days, I'm my own worst critic. Still, I'm trying my darndest to do more than just get by – I want to really live life.

The thing is, therapy isn't cutting it like it used to. So, my therapist thinks it's a good idea for me to see a psychiatrist for some extra help.For a brief moment, I felt a bit lost, wondering how I was supposed to handle this situation on my own since I didn't have any friends who could accompany me to my psychiatrist appointment. Despite my worries, I decided to go by myself. I went to the appointment, sat down, and talked about my struggles. The outcome of our conversation was the revelation that I was dealing with clinical depression and anxiety. It hit me hard and left me feeling devastated, a sense of helplessness and hopelessness washing over me. However, I made up my mind to take responsibility for my health. I realised that I needed to step up and take care of myself. The psychiatrist prescribed some antidepressants to help improve my mood. Following the appointment, a wave of unease swept over me. I began to fear that my parents wouldn't fully understand what I was going through. I also recognized that my friends couldn't accompany me to these appointments. It was quite a transformation for someone who used to be afraid of the dark and travelling alone – now, I was facing these challenges head-on and prioritising my well-being.

I won't sugarcoat it – these days, being a 20-year-old adult can feel incredibly isolating, even when you're surrounded by people. There's a daunting aspect to being alone, and taking on the responsibility and maturity is no easy feat. Lately, the loneliness I feel amid my pain and struggles has taken a toll on my health. I can sense my smile fading day by day. The desire to continue living feels like an overwhelming burden.This is what most of your adult life you are helpless, hopeless. Lonely, aimless, hanging there in ups and downs of your health with the bigger picture of your life in your hands like you are trying so hard to handle the weight of that picture that it impacts your health and your life too.

As an adult, people will often tell you to love yourself. My idea of self-love has changed a lot. It used to be about liking every part of my body, but now it's more about being my own source of strength when things are tough. I've learned that I need to be okay with all parts of my life, especially because life didn't come with instructions. I've had to face uncertainties to figure out who I am, and I've realised that being kind to myself and finding peace are really important. But even if you read and learn a lot about self-love, there will still be days when you cry because of things that hurt you, whether they're things from the past or things you're still dealing with. You'll want someone to give you a hug, and you'll imagine the best things happening with them. You might even doubt yourself sometimes. Because the truth is, sometimes loving yourself is ugly .Yes, it's a bitter truth I learned in my life.

While I was flipping through pages of my journal. I wrote down a poem “ I took care of myself and it wasn't pretty” I read on the internet which was written by Schuyler Peck in her book called "The greatest act of self love isn't always pretty.

I took care of myself

And looked at the overdue bills in the face

Even though it hurt

I took care of myself

And cried ugly through the therapy sessions

Made another appointment for next week

I put in the work and wrote all the bad memories in detail

I apologised to all the friends

I didn't have the energy to talk to

I finally cut off all my dead ends and bought produce

Slimly avoided sustaining myself

On barbecue chips and poetry

I recycled

I set an alarm for 8 hours of sleep

And did not sleep more or less

I took care of myself and it wasn't bubble baths

It wasn't lotion at bath and bodyworks

And three cheese pizza

It was uncomfortable

It wasn't beautiful

But i am

And it didn't have to be beautiful

To be worth it

During my journey of healing and therapy, a significant realisation dawned on me, leading to a profound conversation with a woman I met at a book café recently. This exchange triggered a cascade of thoughts within me. I recognized that my outlook on life had been rather pessimistic, and my energy seemed tainted, like a heap of dirt. I could sense darkness and negativity in my energy and vibrations.

As we conversed, she offered me an observation that struck me deeply: “You are too much in your head. You are living life but on the surface. And you my girl as I have seen you have the strength to turn this all around in a flip. But are you ready for that flip or have you become so used to this sadness and melancholy under smiles and laughter ? This statement hit me with the force of a truck. I spent several hours reflecting on her words and came to a realisation. I had absorbed an abundance of pain, hurt, hate, and fear, to the extent that they had become integral to my identity. It felt as though I had been extracting poison from others' lives to protect them, but this poison had gradually started corroding me from within. My decisions, perspectives, choices, preferences, opinions – they all carried traces of my pain. I had unwittingly moulded myself into a reflection of other people's words and the consequences of their actions. My current self was an amalgamation of trauma responses that had moulded my personality.

Describing this emotion is challenging, but I've lived much of my life in fear, and as a result, I haven't even come close to reaching my full potential. This realisation brings me a sense of sorrow. While this sadness served a purpose at some point, I hadn't felt ready to release it. However, this prolonged attachment to sadness has left me feeling utterly miserable. It has led me to harbour grudges, nourish the darkness within me, and be the victim always

I inhaled deeply, allowing myself to fully immerse in my emotions and thoughts that night. Having experienced significant challenges in life, including both physical and emotional abuse during my formative years, I realised how this had influenced my perception and experience of life. I had unconsciously adopted the patterns of thinking, feeling, and living that mirrored those who had mistreated me. The way I talked to myself and interacted with others had been shaped by the same negative patterns.

The roots of this can be traced back to the people who were meant to provide care and nurture – our caregivers. As per psychological insights, these early years play a crucial role in determining the foundations of our adult selves. Recognizing this, I began to comprehend that I needed to let go of the aspects of myself that were not truly me. It was a process of shedding the skin of who I had become through my experiences, and instead focusing on learning, evolving, and embracing the person I ought to be.

When you make your identity from starting there are going to be times your shadows will pop up from somewhere and you will question them because you are surprised who this person is. In psychology, the term "shadow" refers to the parts of your personality that you keep hidden or aren't fully aware of because they might be uncomfortable or unacceptable. These hidden aspects, proposed by psychologist Carl Jung, can influence your behaviour even without your awareness. Bringing your shadow to light involves acknowledging these hidden parts, accepting them as natural, and integrating them into your self-awareness, leading to personal growth and a better understanding of yourself. Everyone has their unique shadows and like everyone I also have my own shadows. But there is a skill to make your shadows as your asset and to positively influence your life

I use creativity to explore my hidden aspects. Writing poems and prose allows me to express different sides of myself. However, I've recently realised that I've been using these creative outlets to reinforce my past trauma, pain, grief, and struggles. Rather than helping me move forward, this habit keeps me stuck in my comfort zone. I tend to absorb everything around me, both positive and negative, without being fully aware of it. I've been idealising pain and sadness to the point that they've started defining my worth, particularly through my writing and poetry performances. Although I originally intended to write about these experiences as a way to release the pain, I've ended up romanticising them. That's why I've decided to take a break from writing and performing at poetry events. My health is currently my top priority, leading me to step back from my internship and organisational commitments. Ultimately, these decisions are aimed at prioritising my well-being and recovery. In this stage of my life, I've moved beyond many friendships and relationships, as growth is constant and our connections change along with it. While cherishing the good times, I've reached a point where bidding a fond farewell feels appropriate, knowing we may never cross paths again. Embracing farewells and new beginnings can be challenging, given the fear of abandonment, yet it's not our responsibility to foresee the destiny of our relationships

I'm putting in immense effort to remove the lenses through which I see the world as constantly on the verge of collapse with each step I take. I yearn to perceive the world as a space for growth and connection with like-minded individuals. I'm aiming to slow down my pace of life, letting go of unnecessary burdens in order to truly experience life and its richness. I wish to wake up each morning as a person who actively chooses to live life to the fullest, seeking happiness, and radiating effortless smiles. Anticipating sunsets with childlike wonder, savouring ice cream with pure joy, and breathing passionately like someone who has been given a second chance. Learning from pain, holding onto hope, cherishing the act of loving, finding delight in purchasing flowers, indulging in reading and writing, dancing in the rain, and wholeheartedly revelling in the art of living. Through my words, I want to provide closure to the past version of myself and make a promise of a brighter future, assuring my inner child that healing is on the horizon.I am shedding skin. It's beautifully painful but worth it.

#mentalheathawareness #desiblr #desi #desi shit posting #desi academia #dear diary #poems #poetries #short essay #spilled poetry #mental health matters #depression #dark academia

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boy-gender · 7 months

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Hi! You can answer this publicly or privately, but I figured maybe someone else might have a similar question? I just wanted to ask about your personal reasons for using it/its pronouns.

I ask bc I've come across two different characters, now, in media I enjoy, that use it/its pronouns. And I've enjoyed seeing it! They're both two of my favorite characters in their respective media. And i think im kinda questioning whether or not my excitement for these characters (particularly when pronouns are discussed bc they're both great characters outside of that fact) is just bc it's nice to see representation, even beyond they/them pronouns, or if maybe I should consider it/its for myself? I'm not sure, I just thought hearing other people's experiences could potentially help me figure that out. Thank you for your time!

Happy to answer!

First of all, whatever pronouns you want to use is entirely up to you! Nobody gets to tell you what to use and what not to use, or what to try out and change later if you don't like it. If you feel like you want to try a set of pronouns, try it! If it doesn't jive, just change it again. There is no limit to how many pronouns or labels you can use, try, drop, pick up again, or how many times you change it. If it sounds like it/its makes you happy, go for it, even if it just "just" because of characters you like. There's nothing wrong with being influenced by the stories that are important to you.

My reason for using it is mostly trauma-based. All my life I've felt a significant disconnect from my own body, but I didn't realize I had a dissociative disorder until I was like 24. A combination of child abuse causing the disorder, where I never felt like my body was/is me, just that I'm a thing inhabiting the body, possessing it like a spirit- and also lifelong bullying and ostracizing by my peers both contributed to it. There are many times I don't feel like a man or a woman, or a nonbinary person, or any type of person at all. I was dehumanized; I had my humanity stripped from me, including my gender. Fat autistic weird 'girls' aren't treated like girls, intersex tomboys aren't treated like boys, we're treated like monsters. Like kicked dogs. I existed only to be abused by the people around me- my parents and teachers who were supposed to protect me, and the peers who should have been my friends and community. Freaks don't have genders, those are for people. And I was constantly reminded that I did not count as a person.

I very much associate the bullying I endured with my gender nonconformity. I was an afab intersex person- I was a girl of age like 13 with a moustache and beard growing in. I was fat, and my fat never distributed to the 'desired' places for a girl (also, this was like 2008. There was no 'desired place' for fat on girls). Other kids knew or sensed things were different about me- that I was queer in multiple ways, that I had several mental illnesses, that I was fat and ugly and was friends only with other rejects, meaning nobody gave a shit what happened to us. There would be no one to come to our defense no matter how severely we were harmed. We didn't matter.

When I found out I was a system, it put a lot into perspective. The disconnect from the body, from my identity, from my own memories (which are all in third person) made more sense. My other is not human. At first I assumed the "it-ness" was because of this, but actually he doesn't like to be called it at all. It hurts him. It doesn't fit. The it-ness is from me. It's an expression of the gender experience I was denied, a reclamation of the othering I suffered. I don't count as human. I will never be worth being human, or having typical human experiences. I will never be allowed into the club. But it turns out there are other clubs out here- humanity and the cisgender binary are not the only options. I no longer see my othering as "be human or just die," but as "not human? Cool, come try one of these other myriad things." There are so many more things you can be besides human.

This makes a lot of people uncomfortable. Firstly, good. People should be uncomfortable with the cruelty I endured and the marks it left. People should be uncomfortable that they probably participated in othering people as children, and maybe even still do it as adults, and they should be uncomfortable that society is raising their children to continue to do this. It is, in a way, a little bit like my pronouns being fuck/you, or examine/yourselves. Some of it's shock value, and I like that.

Secondly, the shit I get the most is from other trans people, saying I'm somehow harming the trans community because other people call us "its" as an insult. If someone were to call me a she, that is incorrect, and could be used as an insult- they're misgendering me, they're trying to hurt me. This is not the fault of the word "she" and I'm not going to go up to a trans woman and say "this word hurts me, so you cant use it. No more she/her pronouns for you." We are not all going to have the same comfort level with words. I don't like being called a dyke, but dykes do. Some people don't like being called queer, but lots of us do. Some people don't like being called it, but I do. Either way, I get to decide what I am called, and other people get to decide what they are called, and nobody else gets to veto someone's identity. If someone doesn't like calling me it? Then they don't have to talk to me. If they won't respect my pronouns, they're not any better than people who would call me she or her. I don't need their input or validation.

If you do decide to try out it pronouns, I would say be prepared for backlash, but also don't let it effect you. Block people liberally, joyously even. Don't argue. Don't bother. You do not have to justify who you are. And, consider "soft launching" your pronouns! Maybe tell a couple close friends, or just the internet, and if it goes well, expand to other people, and then other people. Roll it out in stages while you get comfortable and try things and assess. You don't owe anyone a coming out; you can decide if, when, how, and to whom you explain yourself, if you ever do it at all.

As an aside, I want to make a distinction here- I'm not otherkin. I don't say I don't count as human because I am some other type of creature just in a human body this reincarnation. This is not a spiritual belief, or even a psych-kin thing. This is purely a product of trauma, something that was foisted upon me that I am now reclaiming, not something innate to my identity. I don't want people to conflate my experience with that of otherkin and be like "see? you're not really [whatever], you're just traumatized!" I hope people will not use my experience to police other people's identities. I am speaking only for myself.

Hope this helps. If you have any more specific questions, feel free to reach out!

#it pronouns #it its pronouns #pronouns #neopronouns #xenogender #queer #transgender #trans #trans men #trans man #trans masc #transmasc #ftm #og #transblr

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growandrecover · 11 months

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hey!! I’m in ed recovery but what do I do if I don’t think I’m “bad” enough to recover?? I don’t think I was ever clinically underweight so can I even identify with the ana (or, recovering ana) label? I feel like I can’t recover until I’m properly validated as sick. do u have any tips on how to combat this feeling? tysm, I love ur blog!

Hey! Thanks for the ask <3 I know exactly how you feel. Yes, being underweight is a symptom of anorexia (a *big* one, for whatever reason), but the way I think about it, if a fat person was anorexic, they may not "technically" qualify, but that doesn't make them any less anorexic. You don't need to be underweight to be an ana (although some of them may tell you otherwise, do not listen to them. So many anas are in a very unhealthy headspace where they tell people they need to be sicker, which is frankly not true.) If you feel like/know you are anorexic, you are sick enough to recover. Why? Because if you didn't feel that way, there would be nothing to recover from.

Let me say this to you really quick: You are valid in your disorder. You are sick enough. I'm sure you've heard this before, but people who aren't sick don't think the way we do in terms of needing to feel "sick enough" in order to heal. This is another way our disorders trap us in this endless cycle of harmful behaviors. We convince ourselves we're not sick enough, and we only get worse in the process, which doesn't do any good.

To help with those thoughts, you could write them down whenever one pops into your head. For me personally, when I see my thoughts written down, they become more real. So if I see "I'm not sick enough" written down in front of me, there's a high chance I'll go, "woah, why would I ever think that?". I know everyone is different, so you may need to try something else.

You could talk to someone if you're able to (if you can't get a therapist, try talking to someone who doesn't have an ed because their point of view is so different *only if you know they'll be supportive and won't just tell you to eat*). I say get a person without an ed because I remember telling my younger sibling about certain things having to do with my ed, and they'd always think it was so odd. To them, rules around food are ridiculous. Hearing them say "you want to look like them?" or "I'm eating the same thing, and I'm okay." is so reassuring because it seems so well intentioned and wholesome. They've always encouraged me to eat, especially the foods they know I love. Their point of view always puts my ed related problems into perspective because they have a healthy relationship with food.

If you don't want to do that, you could always just try affirming yourself. Any time your ed voice is really getting to you, you could try saying, "I am sick enough. This particular thing is bothering me so much because I'm sick. Xyz wouldn't be a problem if I didn't have an ed." If you don't believe that right now, that's okay. Sometimes you just have to fake it till you make it.

And one last time, just for good measure: You are sick enough. If you weren't, you wouldn't be worried about it. You can do this, I know you can. You're strong, and you can beat this disorder.

I wish you nothing but success and happiness in recovery, love. Have a great day/night ♡ And feel free to reach out again if you need to talk!

#asks

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twilightmalachite · 6 months

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2×2 - Children on the Streets 13

Author: Akira

Characters: Yuuta, Hinata

Translator: Mika Enstars

"(There you go, criticizing yourself in the mirror again…)"

[Read on my blog for the best viewing experience with Oi~ssu ♪]

Season: Spring

Location: 2×2 Program Set

Yuuta: (Well alright, so? So you have a lover, but no close friends. So what are these kidnappers to you, Aniki?)

Hinata: (If you’re calling Anzu-san my lover, then you’re mistaken! She’s the number one most irritating girl in the world to me!)

Yuuta: (It’s rare for you to have special feelings towards someone, positive or negative, so I can’t help but find it a lil’ intriguing, though…♪)

Hinata: (Don’t concern yourself over it. Because it’s seriously nothing. Aw man, I’m not good at these topics…)

Yuuta: (Hehe, you’re very capable Aniki, so I’m sure you’ll be able to overcome anything even if you’re not good at it in no time, right?—One way or another.)

Hinata: (I’ll try my very best, then.)

(…Those kidnappers who took me away are the very delinquents that were rumored to be terrorizing the town lately.)

(But y’see, although they’ve only recently become a topic, they’ve been living there in that town for a long time.)

(And they haven’t even been doing anything bad. They were labeled a color gang and we were warned about them, but there was nothing ever said about anything like actual damage, right?)

(That’s because they genuinely didn’t do anything bad.)

(The reason the police were so lax in their response was because it was a nonissue, there was very little real danger.)

(In fact, it was more like it was the residents who overreacted and attacked them. Apparently the police had to devote a lot of manpower to deal with it.)

(Change your perspective, and the entire world will change, right? Hehe, that's just what Sora-kun says, though.)

(You do have close friends, Aniki. You have those who have taught you important things.)

(Yeah. Maybe… I guess I really had no need to feel so lonely.)

(But, that aside. All the talk about delinquents causing trouble around town was nothing but a nightmare imagined by people who were feeling depressed over the recession.)

(In reality, it was nothing but a group of people with no place to go, surviving by supporting one another.)

(Just like us, back when we had run away from home.)

Yuuta: (It was less supporting one another, and more Aniki supporting me one-sidedly, though.)

Hinata: (I got a ton of support from you too, you know, Yuuta-kun. Just mostly in a mental way.)

(Anyways, those people who we used to be like back then, they were all scared, being called delinquents.)

(They were anxious that they might get targeted by these hypervigilant residents. Turns out, an anti-delinquency movement of sorts was even about to start…)

(I was asked if I could do something about it.)

(Well, “asked”. It was a rather rough means of doing so, it basically was a thread.)

Yuuta: (So they did do something bad, after all!)

Hinata: (Doesn’t that just go to show how cornered they were? And, truthfully, they probably hated me, too.)

(You know, Yuuta-kun, they told me I wasn’t being fair.)

Yuuta: (You’re never being fair, though.)

Hinata: (Right. Even though I too was a stray cat with no place to go, back then…)

(I became happy. I was given protection from Master and built a career on the street performance skills I had built up there—)

(And now here I am, a sparkling idol up on the big stage! ♪)

(But we were all supposed to have been the same. Why only me? …That’s the grudges they spat at me. It was pretty rough. It had been a long time since I had felt so bad.)

Yuuta: (“Why”? They’re just unhappy because they didn’t try hard enough. It’s their just deserts.)

(How come everything bad is our fault? It’s just not true!)

Hinata: (There you go, criticizing yourself in the mirror again…)

(I understand where you’re coming from, Yuuta-kun. And in fact, it may be their just deserts, to an extent, but…)

(The unkind God never gave those guys an “opportunity”. A spider's thread was never lowered into hell.)

(We had grabbed it. We just so happened to catch the attention of some kind people.)[1]

(Looking back, I think it was the luckiest thing in the world. Y’know Yuuta-kun, you might hate everyone in the world, but…)

(Among that “everyone”, there are kind people who have helped us, you know.)

Yuuta: (… …)

Hinata: (So, I hope you won’t hate the world anymore, Yuuta-kun—)

(That’s the kind person I want to be.)

(I want to be like Master and like Sakuma-senpai and the others, who picked us up when we were stray cats, and loved us.)

Hinata: (I decided to forgive those who kidnapped me and spat those resentful words at me, with that in mind.)

(It’s instinctual for stray cats to bite, because to them, everything around them is their enemy.)

(And if you don’t bite, you can’t protect yourself and the companions important to you.)

(But. This world needs someone kind who will forgive even if they are bitten, and pick those up and bring them somewhere warm.)

(“That” is who I want to be. That is why I gave them jobs this time around. And I will continue to do so. I want to help them earn enough money to get themselves through the cold winter.)

(Waaay back then, I learned how to live on the streets, thanks to their guidance.)

(I’ll repay that favor.)

(Hatred creates a ripple effect, but so does kindness.)

(I want to continue carrying on that torch, and spread it across the world.)

(That’s what I’ve wanted to do, since the very, very start.)

Hinata: (I wanted to protect what was important to me. I wanted to bring them somewhere warm so they wouldn’t have to be hurt anymore.)

(So that’s what I’ll do. And what I’ll continue to do. Even if you don’t like it, Yuuta-kun, because it is what I truly want to do.)

(I’ll fill the world with love and kindness.)

(If I do that, Yuuta-kun, then you won’t have anyone to hold a grudge against anymore, right?)

Yuuta: (…You’re really arrogant.)

(But it’s fine. You and I are twin brothers, Aniki, but we’re two separate people. I have no right to stop you from doing what you want to do.)

Yuuta: (Sure, there may be kind people in this world out there. But, the number of them is still overwhelmingly small.)

(If you ever get devastated by that cruel truth and frustrated by that reality, Aniki… I’ll be watching you from the side, laughing.)

(And when you hit rock bottom and become the same creature as me, we’ll fight side by side for the “same cause” together again.)

Hinata: (That day will never come. No, I’ll do whatever I can to ensure that.)

Yuuta: (Then it's a bet to see which of our desired futures come to fruition first.)

(I won’t lose, Hinata-kun.)

Hinata: (I have no intention of losing either, Yuuta-kun.)

Yuuta & Hinata: “♪~♪~♪”

[ ☆ ]

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A reference to The Spiders Thread, a story by Ryūnosuke Akutagawa where a spider's thread is descended into hell by Buddha, giving the protagonist a chance to climb himself out. Upon seeing others grab onto and try to climb the thread behind him, he shouts that the thread is his alone; at that moment the thread snaps, plunging them all back down. The story is about compassion.

#2×2 #2x2 #yuuta aoi #hinata aoi #event #translation

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