Alfred is badass and has unuasual skills even for a batfam member.

Inspired by pandaredd’s skit where Alfred says “Bond wishes he was me”

The man is the caretaker of the bat family, he has raised every damn member, and has seen more than his fair share of wars, doomsdays and worse. He is a butler. And god knows what else in the spare time. All I imagine is that if a teenage Bruce looks up at Alfred and whispers he wants to train, Alfred might be the one who gives him contacts.

Alfred:

Bruce:

Alfred: .. wait here master Bruce, I know you won’t even listen to what I’m saying so I will let you learn the arts. Only under one condition though, I choose your trainers

Teenage Bruce: Alfred, whom would you-

Alfred *already on the phone* : Hello there Lee

Teenage Bruce *wide eyes* *mouthing* : Rock Lee??

Alfred *scoffing* : what world do you think we live in! Be more realistic Master Bruce.

Bruce: .. so who is it?

Alfred: Bruce Lee.

The scariest thing about the butler is that he will take you apart in less than a blow, and he doesn’t even need weapons. He will however use them just for fun.He can still hear if Bruce or any of the batfamily sneaks around, he’s been the only one who somehow knew Cass was in the room and offered her snacks while she was hanging upside down from the ceiling in the pitch black and overall has better instincts to locate any of them in the mansion than a GPS tracking system.

When supervillains, nosy reporters or even crooks try to break into the Manor, the fact that no one installed a security system should’ve really been a warning point that the Waynes had other.. deadlier security.

By the time Jason comes home he sees Alfred cleaning up the carpet, but doesn’t miss the wrinkled edge of the sleeve. It is only then when he looks to the other room and the criminals are all sitting in time out, each a truly remarkable shade of blue, black purple and green he’s never seen in real life. And none of them were even bleeding.

Alfred also has insanely fast reflexes. And to everyone surprise, he is an bloody good shot. Green arrow was once testing out a new arrow and it accidentally whizzed past the target and almost hit the cat when out of nowhere Alfred caught it and snapped it with one hand. And then proceeded to borrow a pistol and shoot the target while walking to the other side of the room, not even sparing a glance at the bullseye he had hit. All the while holding a tray of glass bottles that hadn’t moved a single inch.

He’s given advice to Jason on how to make explosives out of everything and nothing, taught Dick how to cut a tree in half with one kick, showed Stephanie how to always win Russian Roulette, guided Damian on how to break bones without ever leaving traces, taught Tim how to mimic someone’s voice and be scarily accurate, and so much more. Once on live television the world saw Alfred eat three cookies and refuse to pass them to Bruce Wayne before saying “They’ve been poisoned” and throwing them away. A few people swear they heard him mouth “bloody amateurs” afterwards and he insisted he was fine, stating that he was already “used to it.”

Whatever the fuck that meant.

And that is why the bat cave is a safer option for batman’s enemies than the mansion. Because if you were caught by the butler, just know that god has already forsaken you.

Ajdhdgsjsi

Bruce wayne : I have to many kids.

Also bruce wayne when a mentally ill, child with a passion for vengeance or justice, has a "complicated" relationship with their parents and/or can beat the shit out of older mentally ill people.

"Alfred call the guy"

GUYS

I SENT PANDAREDD ANOTHER THING

AND

I

HAVE

NO

REGRETS

[Video transcript

Text box: Make Condiment King Scary; There’s your challenge.

Red Text: TW: Discussion of Murder

The Panda Redd: OK

The screen flashes and Panda is now dressed as Condiment king

Condiment King: You know, I always hated that name. The one that the press gave me. Condiment King. So patronizing. Like I’m trying to make some grand standing of what I do, I’m not. I’m not. Wanna know how I got that name? It’s a funny story actually. See a life time ago I was just another, another goon, another grunt on the street working for Falcone. And, uh, One day I found myself at this restaurant, some, some racket Falcone’s been running and the uh, the owner decided not to pay. So I was sent to, uh, relieve him of his station. Guy finishes up his meal, I follow him into the back, stick a gun in his face. “Hands up Fucker, Flacone sends his regards.” The bastard kicks it out of my fucking hand. So the part that nobody decided to fucking mention to me was the guy was a goddamn black belt in karate. who starts throwing me around. He slams me into the fucking walls. I’m getting stains from all the shit falling off of him all over by brand new sky blue suit that I’m wearing for this fucking occasion. That is, until I see the stove. I see they’re cooking up a special brew of uh, extra hot sauce on there. You know, that it only takes three pounds of ground up chilies, consumed in one sitting to kill a man, purely from the capsaicin. Well I’ll tell you what. He figured out what it’s like to inhale that shit. I grabbed his head and I just, I just fucking held it under, I held him there, until the fucking bubbles stopped coming up. And that was it, I thought. But you see a man kills a someone with a bowl of hot sauce, in a suit soaked in condiments, and well. Everyone in Gotham’s got a gimmick. See my problem isn’t with the name it’s self. It’s with the insult that is implied. People think that what I do is silly. But I’m going to ask you something. If the ketchup on your burger was too tangy would you stop eating it? Or, or if your hot sauce wings tingled your throat in a way you didn’t expect, would you all of a sudden stop? The thing is, apart from taking a shit, eating is when people are their most vulnerable. I ask you, do you know what poison tastes like? Are you sure?

Condiment King laughs and the video ends.]

Imma bee real honest here. My ideal sequel to The Batman would be Battinson vs. this very specific version of Condiment King. If The Panda Redd didn’t play him I wouldn’t watch it.

BATMAN:WFA SPOLIERS!

I’m late to this cuz the power went out

Latest Fast-pass of WFA: Ransom. Let me tell you something real quick

THIS. THIS RIGHT HERE is straight up PandaRedd content.

You cannot tell me that this idea isn’t from PandaRedd. It had to be.

DC recognize him, hire him, credit him!

P.S. if DC is on Tumblr secretly, I know you have your own story writers but please do recognize PandaRedd on TikTok. Thank you very much

Dick, rushing into his and Barbara's apartment: quick barbs do you still have your wheelchair?!

Barbra rushing to go get it: yeah ofc what happened?!

Jason who tried to keep up with Dick squatting at the gym: can't move.... help...

BEWARE THE BAT CHARACTER DROP: BILL THE HENCHMEN

am I adding thepandaredd's OC into Beware the Bat? yes

But I also got permission from the man himself(go follow him he's amazing and one of the best comictokers out there)

(art by thepandaredd)

Voiceclaim: thepandaredd

Bill is the caffeine addicted,done with everything, only in it for the money henchmen that has worked for every single rogue you can think of.

The more of a gimmick a rogue has, the more bill is gonna wish he didn't wake up that morning.

(most tame being someone like cobblepot, the more flamboyant being someone like Jervis tech).

He completely refuses to work for silver age villains, since they tend to be completely gimmick oriented and he considers it a waste of time. The jobs that bill gets sent on vary in importance. Some being where he actually has to be hired hand and some where he's just there to be someone who gets equipment.

He's almost identical to how he is in the skits from pandaredd, except now he has more employers.

He's got a very sibling type friendship with (legally distinct) Sal, they argue like cats and dogs but are both united under the common fact that they both cater to Gotham's rogues

could you make art of your favorite character? Or ship art of my melody x my sweet piano? :3 ^w^

Ok so not my favorite, but I do like a lot. (Also an excuse to show off this art)

I just watched the latest panda Redd compilation. And it had an idea. What would happen if Batman took revenge on joker. And I had an idea.

Jason wakes up after so many years and looks for his father. It was not hard to find out his location. Maximum security cell.

Also should mention that this piece is a rough sketch done in like 10 minutes.

Might clean up later

Thepandaredd x Wayne Family Adventures

that's it send tweet

I AM FULLY CONVINCED THAT DC AND WEBTOON WATCH THE PANDA REDD’S TIK TOKS BECAUSE THIS LOOKS LIKE IT COULD BE A SKIT 🤣🤣