I only criticise Taylor Swift to other swifties or to genuinely progressive people. Because as soon as I criticise her to an outsider who dislikes her, they take that as an opportunity to hate on her but it tends to come from a place of misogyny.

Yes, no one should be allowed to use a private jet to take a 13 minute flight. That’s objectively a gross use of privilege and wealth. And billionaires should do what they can to decrease their carbon footprint (e.g. see Coldplay’s efforts to plan their tour in an environmentally friendly way).

That’s all obvious. The issue is that so many people criticise her under the guise of caring about something that they don’t actually care about. I feel like it comes from a place of misogyny in these cases because they don’t reserve the same thinking for their own favourite celebrities.

I just wish people would actually care about current issues instead of weaponising them to target someone they don’t like. Let’s reserve this energy for all billionaires. Let’s eat the rich and leave none of them out yk? Hoarding that much wealth is objectively an immoral act. However, hating Taylor Swift while worshipping Elon Musk or Travis Scott just proves that so many of these people are coming from a place of deep rooted misogyny instead of caring about the environment or about helping disadvantaged groups.

[Obviously this excludes minority groups - especially POC groups - because she has a history of either hurting or ignoring these groups or people directly (e.g. see The Weeknds experience when he first met her and she made him feel really uncomfortable because she kept touching his hair and being weird)]

those who cling to death live...

joel miller x platonic!reader | joel miller x daughter!reader | joel miller x reader summary: a humorous but sincere talk about death.  warnings: mild angst, hurt/comfort, father-daughter dynamic, mentions of death, FLUFFFFFFF.  word count: 989 a/n: hiiiiiiiiiii, me again! so, this is the thing that I’ve been writing! this was supposed to be a one-shot but i’ve decide to split it into two parts, because i was feeling guilty about not posting anything yet, and i didn’t really want to keep anyone waiting, soooo here it is! hope you enjoy it! . . . "Are you afraid of-" you started to ask, breaking the comfortable silence that settled between you, Joel, who sat right next to you with his rifle in hand, and Ellie, who was curled up by the fire, out cold from the exhaustion of the long trek the three of you took today. "Of you? Yes." Joel interrupts you with a slight grumble in his voice. However, you knew that It held no bite. "Very funny, Joel. I am dying of laughter." you dramatically remarked, sarcasm dripping off your tongue heavily. He only chuckled lightly and shook his head, but gave no further words and continued on with his watch. And given that he hasn’t spoken much to either you or Ellie in the past few days after a group of raiders ambushed you, seeing him crack even the tiniest of smiles or hear a barely there chuckle from your incessant pestering or Ellie’s stupid jokes, you considered it a win. After a beat of silence, with the sounds of crickets chirping and the occasional crackle of the dying fire beside you, you asked again. "Do you know what I'm afraid of?" 

Joel shot you a tired look and sighed before answering. "I don't know, what?" 

"Dying," you answered quietly as your eyes focused on the fire in front of you. In your peripheral, you saw Joel visibly go rigid beside you, and It reminded you of the way Joel's demeanor would change when he heard the crack of twigs in the distance or phantom voices flowing through the air while on a trek or keeping watch at night, the need to protect his young heightening before telling you and Ellie to stay close to him and be more alert. 

He slowly turned his head to look at you, and you took his silence as an encouragement to continue. "We live with death every day, but we know little about it." You thought softly, while Joel listened to you intently. 

"Like, what happens when you die? Is it like sleep? If it is, how do I know I'm dead? And what happens after that? Do I go somewhere, or is it just darkness, and it's like that forever?-" 

"Kid, you're not gonna die." Joel softly assured, and though you appreciate that he tried to soothe your worries, it did little to comfort you, you just had to let it out. 

"I know that! But-" you turned to face Joel, exasperation flowed out of you like a raging river until there was nothing left but a defeated sigh that made its way past your lips. Your shoulders sagged as you continued. "Eventually I will…"   

"And it terrifies you," Joel concluded.

"I know, It's silly," you chuckled humorlessly. "Because I see people die every day," 

The public FEDRA executions. 

The Infected. 

People caught within the crossfire at the QZ because of another Firefly attack. 

Your mother. Your sister.  

As you spoke, Joel noticed you absentmindedly touched your star shaped necklace, before your hand trailed down to your ring which had a spiraling red carnation wrapped around the band. 

"And I know that at some point it'll come for me too. I shouldn't be scared of it, but then I see the fear in their eyes-" 

"Please don't kill me. Please- NO!" 

The words of a dying man. The man that you had to shoot to save Joel and Ellie from a raider. It wasn't your first kill, but It was the first time you saw the fear of being on the other side of the gun. 

"'Can't even imagine what it feels like…to be out there helpless and alone. Just left with the fact that you're about to go and you can't do anything about it…" 

It broke Joel's heart to see nothing but fear cloud your eyes as they started to glaze over the fire once more. Someone as young as you shouldn't even have to think about death so much, despite it being the world you were born in. He felt guilty for having to subject both you and Ellie to the horrors of this world, for making you do something you shouldn't have had to do to save his life. 

"Hey…I'm not gonna let anything happen to you, okay?" His tone is firm, but his words are gentle. A promise that he's going to do whatever it takes to fulfill. 

"You promise?" you asked, your voice quiet.

Joel, without hesitation, said. "I promise." 

"Now get some sleep, kiddo. I'll take it from here." Joel told you while he stood up to adjust his grip on the rifle, probably about to scout the perimeter again. 

"But, I'm taking watch with you." You lightly defended, your brows furrowed in confusion. 

"I'm not hearing it. Go to sleep." And grumpy old Joel was back again. And even though you wanted to fight him on it, exhaustion was catching up to you, so you let him win. Just this once. 

"Fine," you muttered begrudgingly and dragged yourself to your sleeping bag that was placed closer to where the fire and Ellie were. You wiggled into your sleeping bag, trying to get comfortable when you called out to Joel without waking Ellie up. 

"But, next time I'm taking full watch." you started as you smoothed down your bag and placed your pistol right next to your head.

 As you settled into the night, a thought popped into your head, which made a small grin grow on your lips. "With your rifle."  

You hear Joel lightly retort in the distance. "You wish."

"Oh, I will. I will wish very hard." 

You heard Joel's barely there chuckle. 

"Yeah, you do that." 

You closed your eyes with a grin on your face as sleep started to guide you into its embrace. 

Joel glances at you and Ellie from where he stands. A familiar warmth settled into his chest as he saw you two sleep peacefully.  

"Goodnight, kiddo."

hey everyone, if you wanna help a couple latino/indigenous two spirit bitches please listen to my tales of woe, I've been having a real shit of a summer

my ex boyfriend dumped me 3 days before my birthday and then took his name off of the lease with 10 months left on it

i am very very broke as ive been grieving this year and its been exhausting me trying to work through that

i had a job at lowes at the beginning of the year but i had to quit due to the demand they were putting on their skeleton crew, there weren't enough workers for the work load to be fair, I was basically doing the jobs of 2 to 3 people and i couldn't keep up with it while also grieving

i really really need help with raising the funds left by his rent

not only was he soooo lovely by leaving me and then ghosting me, he also was the one that insisted on finding a house with a lot of square footage, because he insisted that he could afford it 🙃

well i can't

I'm doing deliveries for ubereats right now but its not enough to live on, there's no guarantee of work or pay and i cant afford all the gas and car maintenance i need to do now

im looking for more work but its so hard because Im living with my immunocompromised sibling and having any sort of standards while job hunting right now already makes it nearly impossible to find what you need

so if anyone could donate or reblog this i would be so so so grateful

any funds would go towards the rent he left and hopefully I'll still be able to move out of Texas by the end of my lease, dont think I can move out as that would be so much more stressful, expensive, and would make moving out of state a lot harder as month to month leases are a lot more expensive and im trying to leave ASAP, while not having anything saved up right now due to the everything

I'll show proof to anyone that asks, just message me and ill give that to you asap

GOAL FOR FUNDS: 0/5,600

again I would be really grateful for anything you could do, a reblog or a donation, or even some kind words, thank u as well for reading all this

venmo: @bigbitchgotmoney

cashapp: $mossball

ok ok I would like to bust down the sniperscout autism4autism bc its consuming me

sniper's autism: can only talk so much till he's genuinely exhausted (which isn't a lot). he doesn't find reason in emoting a lot unless the situation calls for it. for this reason, people don't really hang out with him except out of pity because he seems "lonely". in other words, ppl have always thought he's sorta boring. sniper got tired of humoring ppl who talked to him to make THEMSELVES feel better, so he just sorta. keeps to himself. its easier that way, and he enjoys it.

scout's autism: he has to talk and talk and talk and talk and be soooo funny so people will actually like him. unfortunately, this just drives people away and makes them think he doesn't know how to shut up. scout used to easily forget what he's said in conversation because he was too focused on keeping the other person's attention, but he's gotten better. after so long of basically getting his spirit broken throughout his childhood, he found it was easier to be loud/dickish on purpose. partially out of spite, partially because he was tired of seeing himself as the dweeb that couldn't make any friends.

even just platonically, they work out perfectly together. scout can talk about whatever the fuck he wants and sniper can just listen. and scout knows sniper doesn't think he's unbearable and that he's actually listening. and sniper knows scout isnt just doing it because he thinks sniper is all alone, its because he likes his company!!! and scout thinks sniper is literally the greatest person on earth for not shutting him out and even inviting him to just sit with him. and sniper thinks scout is the most understanding guy he's come across, ever, for not demanding too much of him.

(sniper feels bad that scout was ever treated like he was stupid just because he was forgetful and talked a lot. scout feels bad that sniper had to protect his peace so hard that he had to separate himself from his peers (scout wouldn't know what to do if he was alone))

anywho yeah I'm normal i love them an average amount. even if by some chance im not any sort of neurodivergent, i undoubtedly came across as an autistic kid when I was very young, considering how I was treated. i projected very hard on scout. i hope I didn't step on any other autistic ppls toes with this!

I Heard Love is Blind (Matt Murdock x f!Reader)

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A/N: Soooo sorry this took so long. I’ve taken the last week off from writing to travel for the holidays. As for this fic, I’m well aware that this isn’t how visual impairment typically works but being that I’m writing in a universe where superheroes exist, I’m asking y’all to suspend your beliefs for a few minutes. The end of this fic was just a little fun idea that I had as I was writing it. It's short and sweet (around 1.3k words). I hope y’all enjoy!

Request: Hello! So, the reader is becomes blind because of a disease or something... whatever... and she in hospital room with matt with her, then doctor comes and tells them she cannot be able to see ever again. She doesn't want to cry while matt is there because she thinks he can be offended or something, but she cannot help herself and matt tries to comfort her? What do you say?

Summary: Matt helps you sort through your feelings after you have an accident and lose your sight. You struggle with opening up to him fully because you don’t want to hurt him.

(Warnings: female!reader, references to (but no detail of) an accident, newly visually impaired reader, angst, soft!matty, protective!matty, references to a possible female daredevil towards the end)

It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. It was an accident, really, but the overwhelming feeling of dread hadn’t left your system since you’d been hoisted into the ambulance that brought you to the hospital. Matt was right behind you, of course, arriving at the E.R. entrance at the same time you did, lurking in the corner of the hospital room as doctor after doctor examined you.

You couldn’t help but jump when a new set of hands began to poke and prod around your eyes. You couldn’t see them, hadn’t been able to see anything since the accident, and they didn’t announce themselves. Or maybe they did, and you weren’t listening. You didn’t know. The world around you had become a blur of noises, an overwhelming rush of sensory overload that you were too exhausted to try and figure out.

Your name had been murmured by countless doctors, but your ability to respond was muted by the pounding of your heart in your ears. A firm, warm hand rested on your shoulder, and Matt’s cologne wafted into your nose. The outside world once again became background noise as Matt lightly squeezed your shoulder. You had the sudden urge to giggle at how backwards this predicament was. Normally, it was you grounding him when the noise became too much to bear. Now, he was fulfilling your position – providing a distraction to focus on until everything – the world, it’s chaos – settled.

“No pupillary response.” One doctor muttered in a melancholy, but professional tone. The scribble of a pen on paper sent goosebumps down your spine.  

When the words “possible permanent blindness” passed through hushed whispers around the room, you didn’t flinch, all too aware of the blind man you’d fallen in love with sensing your every move. Your lack of reaction was cause for concern from everyone in the room, most of all Matt, who hadn’t uttered a word since the accident.

“Can she have a second?” He murmured softly, ushering the nurses and doctors out of the room faster than should’ve been possible. He always did have a way of making people do what he wanted them to do, though you didn’t think he was aware of the effect he had on people. Not completely, at least.

The sound of the door clicking shut echoed in your ears, and you got the sense that every bad feeling you’d been ignoring since this began was about to force its way out of you. Matt’s sigh as he sat down next to you snapped you out of it, and you blinked away the tears that had begun forming.

It wasn’t fair to cry over this in front of him. You shouldn’t be mourning the loss of something he had lived without since he was a kid. Not in front of him, at least.

“You’re handling all this remarkably well. Better than I did.”

Matt didn’t say this with malice or malcontent. Rather, an astute observation on his part. Almost entirely lawyerly if you had to pinpoint his tone.

“You were nine, Matt, and we don’t know that it’s permanent.” You muttered, the first words you’d spoken since you’d lost the ability to see.

“Still.” You felt him shrug. You reached out your hand, feeling around the sheets until your fingers met the skin of his wrist. He didn’t miss a beat, intertwining his fingers with yours as soon as your skin met his. He lifted your hand, planting a small kiss on your knuckles.

“You’re allowed to be upset about this.” He mumbled against your hand. “I can feel the energy in you. Let it out, sweetheart.”

“Matty, I can’t just– It’s not fair to you that I– It wouldn’t be right.” You groaned, blinking back the fresh wave of tears trying to force their way out of your eyes.

“Don’t worry about me, sweetheart. Even if it’s not permanent, this is still a big change for you. You’re allowed to mourn this.”

A few tears escaped as he spoke, and the only thing keeping you from furiously wiping them away was Matt’s hand, already there, softly stroking your cheek as you tried your hardest not to fall apart in his hands.

“What if it is?” You mumbled, sniffling.

“What if it’s what?” He asked, ghosting over your eyelids with his thumb.

“What if it’s permanent, Matty?” You couldn’t hold it in anymore. Furious tears cascaded down your face, and you let out an ugly sob as you revealed the horrible thoughts you’d been trying so hard to hide.

Matt allowed you to sob into his chest, cradling you against him as he rested his cheek on the top of your head. His dress shirt, the one you loved so much, the one he wore to work today because you wanted to see him in it, was soaked with tears before he finally spoke.

“It’s not fair that you’re going through this, sweetheart. I’m so, so sorry. I wish I could change it. But I know you can handle it, okay? You’re strong enough to do this, and you’ll have help. We’ll figure it out, baby.”

You nodded into his chest, unable to form a coherent sentence in response.

“Sweet girl,” Matt cooed, kissing your hair, “You don’t have to hide how you’re feeling from me, ever, okay? I know it’s frustrating – trust me, I know better than anyone what you’re going through right now – but it does get easier. I promise.”

You wiped the tears from your face, careful to avoid your eyes. Goosebumps bristled on the back of your neck when the sound of a car horn loudly echoed in your ears. You couldn’t keep your hands from clamping over the sides of your head in response.

“The world is so loud, Matt. I don’t know how you handle it all the time.”

Matt lifted your hand to his face so you could feel the indents of his cheek as he smiled.

“You get used to the noises after a while. They become a sort of…white noise, I guess you could call it. Is the beeping of the heart monitor bothering you?”

“No, it’s the cars. This city is so loud.”

Matt stiffened, tightening his grip on your hand.

“What do you mean?” He asked, breathing into your palm.

 Another loud honk blared in your head, and you couldn’t stop your body from cringing into a ball.

“Don’t tell me you can’t hear that.” You mumbled, shaking your head to try and rid the echo of the horns from your ears.

“No, I can hear it. How are you hearing it? We’re on the 18th floor.”

“What?”

It was your turn to stiffen. You didn’t quite understand the curiosity in Matt’s tone. You weren’t entirely sure you believed what he might be implying. You cocked your head to the side, mimicking the thing you’d seen Matt do a million times when he was trying to follow a specific noise, and focused your attention on Matt.

He was at least a foot away from you now, pacing across the floor. You couldn’t figure out how you knew he was pacing. You focused on the way his shoes tapped on the linoleum floor, the way his hands fiddled with his cane, tightening and untightening in a rhythmic dance, the way his heart was pounding in his chest, even though there was no possible way you could actually be hearing his heartbeat from this far away.

“Matty…” You murmured, lifting your hand from its place in your lap and reaching towards him.

“Yes, dove?” He asked, clearing his throat. He was closer to you now, and for the first time since your vision had gone, you weren’t surprised when his hand grasped yours. It was eerie, knowing where he was even though you couldn’t physically see him in front of you.

“What’s going on?” You asked, tightening your grip on his hand. He reached his other hand towards you, brushing his knuckles across your cheekbone in a soothing motion.

“I don’t know, sweetheart, but we’re going to figure it out, okay?” You nodded, leaning your head into his hand. “Okay, Matty.”

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Óen (Part 3)

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Thunderbirds Are Go and HTTYD crossover.

Here is the next bit. sorry we haven't gotten to the meat of this fic yet, but we are nearly there :D

Again, thank you to @onereyofstarlight and @idontknowreallywhy for all their support on this project ::hugs them both tight::

Have a little foot :D

-o-o-o-

“Hey, are you awake?”

The voice was a young one.

“Máthair, he’s waking up!”

There was a scuttle of feet beside him and Hiccup pushed his eyes open just in time to see a young boy grabbing an elderly woman and dragging her towards Hiccup.

Wha-?

The room was dark, but warm. A central fire snaked smoke out through a chimney in the roof and oil lamps decorated the walls, bathing the large room in yellow light. Beyond the old woman and the boy, there were beds laid out like the spokes on a wagon wheel around the central fire. Some had people in them.

Hiccup was in one of them.

“So you’ve decided to wake up, young man.”

Hiccup blinked up at her. “Where am I?”

“O’Treasaigh Isle, some would call it. You can call it a safe place.”

It took him a moment. “Toothless!” He sat up, ready to jump out of bed…

If only the lamps would stop spinning.

A small hand landed on his shoulder. “Now let that be a lesson to you. You can’t expect your body to appreciate what you’ve done to it. Give it some time to heal.”

“But Toothless-“

“You need not worry about your dragon. Virgil is giving him the care he needs.” She tilted her head just a little. “Though I do find it interesting that I know the name of your dragon and not you.”

His brain must be slow. “You ride dragons!”

“Interesting name, I must say.”

“No. No, no, my name is Hiccup.” He drew in a breath. “It’s true? You care for dragons.”

“A young Viking, then. You are far from home.” She began touching him. A finger on his wrist, his throat. She peered into both of his eyes, opened his mouth and stared down his throat. “You were as exhausted as your dragon. But I’m happy that the elements haven’t taken too much from you. Drink up and you will be well soon.” She pointed at a wooden cup on a table beside the bed.

“What is it?”

“Health. Drink it.” She reached over and handed it to him.

The young boy beside her screwed up his face.

Not particularly encouraging.

He sipped the drink, cautiously.

By Thor, it was worse than Astrid’s yak nog.

The woman’s blue eyes stared at him unblinking until he was able to force that sip down his throat.

His stomach immediately started a rebellion.

“I know it doesn’t taste the best, dear, but it will help.”

Make death look more promising maybe.

“Uh, thank you.”

“Your getting well will be my thanks.”

“When can I see Toothless?” As if they could stop him.

“Once you drink all of that, Alan here can take you to Virgil.”

What’s left of him maybe. He looked down at the brown muck in the cup and started building strategies to hide its demise.

Máthair stood up. “Alan will stay with you. Let him know if you feel ill and he will alert me.” She smiled. “Be well, Hiccup. While I go and chase your saviour and get him off that leg. Take note, young one, treat your body with respect and it will treat you well. Don’t work it to death like an idiot.”

She gathered her skirts and hurried off, muttering to herself.

Someone was in trouble.

Hiccup was glad it wasn’t him.

“Are you really a Viking?”

He turned to…Alan? The boy seemed just a little younger than Hiccup himself. Blue eyes were definitely a thing here, though.

“Yes, from Berk.”

“Wow. Never heard of it. How did you get a night fury?”

“Uh…”

“Scott has taken me up on Óen. He’s soooo fast. Do you think yours is as fast as Óen? It would be interesting to find out. They could have a race!”

“Uh…”

“Once he gets better, of course.”

“Toothless? How is he? Where is he?” Hiccup dumped the cup of gross on the side table and dragged his legs off the bed and onto the floor.

“Um, Máthair Chriona said you needed to drink that.”

“I need to see Toothless.”

Alan sighed. “Listen, I know it tastes like foot, but honestly? Máthair is a very good healer. She trained at the Temple. You need this. Drink it and we can go to your dragon.”

Hiccup eyed him. Young and eager, but there was something in the boy’s eyes that spoke of experience.

There was no naivety there.

Hiccup picked up the cup. Goethi had given him concoctions in the past. Especially after losing his leg. All sorts of foul smelling and gross things.

But this one?

He straightened his shoulders. He was a Viking with Thor at his back.

He sculled the drink.

His eyes crossed several times and his stomach lit on fire, but he got it down. There were several moments where it threatened to revisit all over the blanket covering his legs, but…

He sagged just a little as the tension left his shoulders and a wave of wellbeing washed over him.

By the time he put the empty cup back on the side table, he felt so much better.

“See?”

“What is that?”

“Good stuff. Total secret, of course. Máthair keeps the lore. I just wish we could mix it with something to hide the foot.”

Hiccup pushed himself to his feet and was happy to find the world not spinning and nothing aching more than it should. “Can you take me to Toothless?”

“Sure. Follow me.”

-o-o-o-

Next

september was not great folks, but we're trying <3

in the saddest realization of the season i discovered that my favorite part of the day is my 40m drive to work because it's chilly and i can see a lot of trees and the morning light and i also am in the perfect headspace to listen to Good Music and it's like when i used to make my morning playlists for opening the coffeeshop except soooo much more enjoyable

been listening to lots of holly humberstone and NF's new album and justin vernon stuff (bon iver, BRM, etc) and unfortunately gracie abrams - there's just something about all these artists being like "I AM THE PROBLEM ITS ME IM SORRY" that just speaks to me! that's not concerning at all!

laura and i talked for like two hours last night and it was like old times and god i really do miss when we'd just ride the same bus home and i could walk to her house ):

i've been trying to make taylor's chai cookies for like a week and i realized i absolutely have time to make them today so i'm trying to buck up the energy to do that in the next two hours before i have to be a person and go to a photoshoot

"good day" by olivia barton

i'm trying to get back into crying in h mart because mom finished reading it and we're supposedly buddy reading it so we can discuss it but i haven't felt like reading all month because i've been depressed...but like damn cancer sucks guys

in other news, i think because i've had such a shitty brain month this september i've almost pushed myself so far that halloween season sounds really fun!!! i'm trying to work through my halloween hate bc i think it's kind of silly and all my friends love halloween so i should love it too! and like i wanna watch spooky movies and be chilly and have FUN! god!

i kinda forgot a vital piece of jennalore which is that when i was a kid my mom's college roommate used to send us frosted sugar cookies shaped like bats every halloween and it was actually kinda the best thing ever? so i'm trying to channel that energy this season

work is batshit insane and i'm so exhausted by it i literally slept for 11hrs on like wednesday night bc i was so tired but also......when we're busy i always feel like i'm actually Doing Something and my bosses are so happy with the work i do so like.....it's good even though it's bad!

therapy has actually been really really good? like it Sucks bc it's therapy and i hate talking about my feelings but my therapist is the sweetest NB person ever and they're always just like "uhhh that's emotional abuse my dude!" and i'm so fucking excited bc at the end of october they're gonna have saturday openings which means i can finally go talk to them in person and not on my lunch break in our tiny break room!!!! at this point i have to pretend like my coworker can't hear everything i say during therapy otherwise i'd go insane so i always leave my sessions being like ......did max hear that i'm aroace and i have depression and i might be neurodivergent??? idk!!!

which speaking of, even though max and i definitely aren't like friends by any sense of the word....we are also just like having a time together! it's wild i see him most out of all the people i know but i think we're both going a little insane from the workload and being Depressed so we just spend all day being kinda wacky and for whatever reason i've reached a point where i stopped having a filter with him so i just start talking about the most random shit and he's cool with it lol

i think i might maybe be a little lonely! idk! i've been struggling to figure out what i need or who to talk to and i generally just want to talk to like two or three of my friends or my gc and everyone's just busy ): but then when i have the chance to talk to anyone and i Sit Down to try to interact bc i know some people are probably around i just get a little overwhelmed idk make it make sense!!!

and i realized i don't have a lot of IRL friends anymore bc a lot of the ones i had from the coffeeshop are Not My Friend and the ones i met on instagram are also Not My Friend and the ones i used to live with are Not My Friend and so my list of people to hang with is teeny tiny and idek what i need or want anymore so it's just my brain screaming .

the most frustrating thing rn is that i know i'm in a bad mental place however i cannot distinguish what i need! but when someone asks me what i need i get this intense panic/dread and i spiral real bad and if anyone tries to be kind to me it makes me feel worse and so it's like....i'm stuck in this stand still where i can't get what i need but i don't know what i need so i just eat cereal, listen to music, and go to bed early!!!

i don't wanna watch anything, i still haven't finished this season of only murders, i need a DVD player bc i want to watch the director's commentary of hill house, there's a bunch of shows and movies coming out soon that i feel overwhelmed by at the moment and it's just like !!! this is all so unfair

and i need to make all these appointments like getting my oil changed and going to the doctor for my annual but i cannot bring myself to do those things but also like should i ask my doctor about medication for depression??? surely it isn't that serious but like maybe it is idk!!!!

the depression isn't as bad as it's been in the past (i think?) like i felt a lot more hopeless in 2017 and i think a lot of that is because i do have a support system and a therapist and a good paying job and things to look forward to but like i'm very aware that many days i do just feel that feeling of "everything is meaningless and nothing will bring me joy ever again" so it's like !!! idk!!!! maybe i'm gaslighting myself into thinking i'm not that bad when in actuality i am!!!

i've just been stuck in that space of middle limbo with all my "diagnoses" that i cannot rationally understand if i'm allowing myself to see myself the way i am? like i always felt like i wasn't depressed enough to be Depressed bc i'm not suicidal but like ??? that's silly !!! maybe i am Depressed!!!!! but i don't even know how to go about getting meds and what they would do and it's almost more overwhelming to think about that than to just be depressed ): bc i still am convinced a lot of it comes down to the heat and the lingering effects of summer

but now i'm thinking about 2021 when it was the bad times and i stopped working on creative stuff or literally any year from 2017-2020 when i just spent the early fall Not Creating and having a crisis that i'd never create again and it's like.............is that bc i'm always depressed around this time? it's comforting bc i know life is seasons and i will come back around to making things and doing my silly projects but it's just sort of making me wonder how it would be different if i tried to find a way to get meds ....like would that Fix Me....would that Solve the Problem....what if it doesn't! what if i'm not depressed enough for that!

(this is all just thoughts, i'm fine, etc, just haven't let myself fully think about the depression this month bc i don't think there's a solution rn i'm just trying to get through it)

anyway, "good day" by olivia barton

THANK YOU for talking about pangzi in the tags of that post ur so right it makes me soooo happy to read fics where he's is fat and happy and hot and loved and it sucks when other people can't see that because of their bias

thanks again for bringing it up because i do think its something the fandom as a whole needs to look at more critically

<3

I'm glad it's not just me and a handful of people close to me seeing that it's an actual big issue in the fandom! ♥️

Especially because so many people will say they love him, he's their favourite but then never actually include him or just treat him awfully.

I get very fed up about it quite often because it's just so obvious to me. I see a lot of people asking "Why is this idea about Pangzi so common it makes no sense" or "Why is this Pangzi ship not as popular as this one while it makes way more sense" and then never actually thinking about it while the answer is so obvious... It's also extra frustrating because none of the actors playing Pangzi are actually fat. They're completely normal men who are just surrounded by extremely skinny boys. I don't even want to imagine how Pangzi would be treated if he were played by an actual fat man. (The closest we get is Liu Tianzuo in TLT1 and it's not surprising to me that he's fandom's least favourite and most criticized Pangzi)

Because this bias also becomes most obvious in headcanons like 'I can only imagine Pangzi as asexual/cishet/in a QPR' (because they're so so fucking common and casually thrown around) it's really hard to point it out to people without them getting really defensive about it.

I have three separate posts about it in my drafts/notes app that I wrote after spending weeks and weeks working on video lectures about diversity and inclusion, many focusing on bias but I couldn't get the tone right so I never posted them.

I just want people to understand that everyone is biased and it's not something that makes you a bad person. Nobody wants to be biased, you just are. You get taught things by the world around you and your brain learns it whether you want it or not. It's up to you to look at what you have learned and think about it at least twice and then unlearn the harmful untrue things like gender bias, fat bias, race bias. It's not easy to address your bias but it does get easier once you accept you are biased and (not to use the terms I learned in my diversity lectures) start overriding your fast brain and start listening to your slow brain. I was once told that your first thought is what you have been taught by the world around you (fast brain) and your second thought is what you, yourself, actually think (slow brain). It's hard and a bit exhausting, especially with something like fat bias that has been so deeply ingrained and normalised, but god when i tell you it makes your world so much more beautiful.

Fat people deserve to be fat and still be loved and happy and seen as sexy and a potential love interest. Pangzi is fat and hot and a wonderful lovely competent man who is strong and funny and kind. He is extremely loved by the people around him, especially Wu Xie and Xiaoge. He has so so so many good and wonderful traits but he also has his quirks and he says the wrong things sometimes and he's impulsive at moments but that's what makes him so interesting and beautiful and dynamic! He deserves to be portrayed like that more instead of just the mother hen who cooks and cleans while the rest has sex or as the wingman for his two besties or the annoying clumsy fat man who once again triggers a trap because of his greed or just the comic relief or the creepy straight man.

ANYWAY I'll shut up now! If you ever want to talk about how how beautiful Pangzi is and how beautiful other characters think he is and how sexy it is of him to be fat, my DMs are always open!

1st day in 10th grade 8/29/2023

I literally couldnt sleep that much the night before and ended up staying up until 3AM, though I'm kinda surprised that I slept a bit early than usual so I felt a bit relieved. But knowing that I had to set an alarm so I wont wake up at 10 or 12 AM I was hella depressed from just the thought of having to wake up exhausted af. I ended up waking up at 8AM I was EXHAUSTED I couldnt even move for the first 10 minutes and I just stared at the ceiling. I was having a manic episode the night before because I was so chill and so anxious at the same time I couldnt contain myself.

I later found out that the entrance ceremony starts at 1PM so I felt relieved knowing I dont have to rush.

Then the ceremony began. It was just like the other ceremony I attended last year.....though I was more down that time I couldnt even listen to a single word I was hearing from the people on stage, I was so out of it TT its weird because it felt like 9th grade was just yesterday.....time flies so fast:/.....Anyway when I got there, there was already many students lining up.... it was I think 20 minutes before the ceremony starts I saw some of my friends from my previous school year I'm soooo lucky to have some of my friends on the same class this year...I hope I can make some friends this year too or just at least get along with some of them:D

After an HOUR of standing at the ceremony it finally ended and we all headed to our new classrooms. I was enlightened to know that my classroom was in the first floor cause I have a bad stamina and bad experience from my old school... I was first very happy about it "ohh I get to be on the 3rd floor!!" then months later "I HATE THESE STAIRS" so 2ND,3RD,4TH FLOOR CLASSROOMS?? NUH UH🗣🗣..

So when I got to my new classroom I immediately continue reading one piece cause Im too introverted and shy to even talk to my new classmates, but I'm pretty sure when group activities and all that start happening we'll all talk and get along well:) (probably not everyone though)..ALSO I just realized how much I space out but its not that bad it just happens at times Im seriously not aware which is scary....I believe the term for it is called dissociation but mine is just mild though it happens from time to time I think mine is pretty normal...

When it was time to introduce ourselves my hands were COLD. And when it was my time to introduce myself I just talked fast and sat down, not realizing I didnt include my other hobbies such as reading manga or watching anime but oh well I did tell myself I wont trust people that easily this year and be more secretive about myself since I talk so much about myself when I'm comfortable enough to someone....

A few hours later it was snack break.... some of my friends from our friend group gathered... gosh I miss them so much:{ I dont know but I think I became a bit more quite than last year.... idk though maybe its just me. So then we all started talking about our new teachers... some of them had badluck and have a strict teacher and meanwhile me I was luckkyyy even though I dont really fit in with my new teacher's humor she was still pretty chill and understanding and I relieved about it... though I still hoped that I had the other teacher I wanted to be my 10th grade teacher:( hes pretty strict but hes a friendly guy and teaches well... I hope hes my math teacher this year PLSPLSPLS🤞CROSSING FINGERS

Then a few hours later it was already time to go home...I'm kinda happy that the first day of school wasnt as tiring as last year:D...I walked home.... it was nice since we got dismissed pretty early than the normal school days since its still the first day after all.....I was walking while listening to the songs I downloaded on my phone and look at the sky...it was still 4PM so it wasnt dark outside yet.... it felt nice walking home like that:>.... while walking home I remembered one of my friends eshy gave me her snack since she didnt want any and I couldnt buy snacks at the canteen because it was pretty crowded and looked like it was impossible to even cut in line....I'm pretty grateful to have her as a friend....though she should srsly look out for herself too....so in order to pay her back I stopped at a small store...it was run by an old couple....I used to walk by the store a lot since kindergarten and I rarely bought anything from that store....when I walked in the old man smiled....idk but something about it made me a bit happy since like oh....its been so long since I bought anything from the store and its been...probably years ....he looks different from before....everyone gets old and its a sad thing for me to even think about://....anyway after buying the snacks I then head home and took this picture while walking.....thanks for reading this long ahh journal about my day:DD I usually ramble things in my journal but I firgured I should use this account instead and use it as a digital journal since I rarely post anything on this app, Im also planning on doing this everyday so lets see if I actually do it this time:DD so bye for now MY HANDS HURT FROM TYPING ONG but anyway take care!!

Followed you after seeing your comment about how ALL christian denominations are fucked and how the ones that try to look progressive just shield the rest from criticism. Its so nice to see someone who gets it, it can be so so so exhausting to try to explain all that shit to people who havent studied christianity and still see it as the "nice, awkward, naive homeschool kid" religion, instead of the extremely dangerous, actively-toxic-to-its-followers-and-their-friends, terrifying death/rape cult that it is.

Anyway i saw you were looking for music recs. It seems dumb to suggest but just in case you havent listened to it, the Mountain Goats' All Hail West Texas album has a similarish vibe and is soooo fucking good. Ummm, Chris Pureka (queer folk artist) has some heart-achingly beautiful folksy stuff. Evan Greer (another queer folk artist) has some fucking kickass stuff that, again, has a very similar vibe. Those three are definitely worth a listen. :)

Honestly, one of the things I regret about my growth as a person was allowing people to convince me that it isn't all denominations, for far too long.

As a teen, I was angry about homophobia and the cause was apparent: Christians never hid that they were behind those atrocities. They were openly taking credit, and yet they were joined by, "no, really, that's just the bad denominations. I belong to a really progressive church."

It was amazing, really. Every Christian I met was one of the good ones. They all belonged to a great church that didn't discriminate. They were accepting. And supportive. I couldn't find the evil ones. Where are they? No one belonged to one of the bad churches. But THEY all know which ones are the bad ones. It's all those "fake Christians" from unspecified denominations. Sometimes it was an "opposing" denomination from theirs. It's all so theoretical.

They were nowhere to be found. And yet, these rare bad ones somehow maintain the political power to prevent our full equality under the law. But if everyone belongs to a good church, how do they control the narrative so well? How is the Christian "sanctity of marriage" argument still such a popular perspective if it's just an almost nonexistent few bad Christians? How did the "grooming" bullshit rise to such prominence again? There are no secular arguments for homophobia. Am I supposed to believe that suddenly the good Christians have lost their voice temporarily? That they're just being drowned out by a small powerless minority that tricked them into voting for their candidates?

And then you spend time with those good ones. They deny that Billy Graham supported conversion therapy while calling for a national holiday to celebrate such a "great man." They're very supportive. Don't you know that your sin of being gay is no worse than their sin of committing murder? It's all the same. And you know, some people genuinely have a problem with us having rights, would it really hurt us if we just compromised and let them punch us five times, instead of six? You confide in one of the really progressive "I like to think of myself as a follower of Jesus, not a Christian, because Christians really do bad things" and they use your distress at the fascist threat as an opening to witness, "Yeah, Christians are awful. But you'd love Jesus. He wouldn't support these behaviors. Isn't he great?"

There isn't a denomination of Christianity that doesn't believe that what we are is immoral. There are some that cushion the language to trick us into spreading the message of our oppressor. But not one treats any LGBT trait as being neutral--as a characteristic that just exists. There's inherently a judgment. The "good ones" are just a sleight of hand meant to trivialize the seriousness of what their religion is doing to us.

And it's unavoidable. You cannot create a sect of Christianity that will be good and peaceful in the world--at least, not without throwing away the very things that define Christianity. The basic structure of the religion is inherently damaging to a person's way of thinking: the absolutely worst, most unforgivable thing you can do is question the existence of Jesus or his inherent goodness. Regardless of denomination, questioning the authoritarian leader is grounds for eternal torture. You cannot have a healthy environment based on that perspective.

The concept of witnessing and missionary work is designed for genocide. The whole premise is to make people in other cultures "accept" that they're inferior, destroy their cultures, and join into Christian culture. It's why, regardless of denomination, that missionary work has always been so bloody--even into the present. Those bodies buried at Canadian church schools aren't that old. You can't view the world that way and end up as a good person. The core of Christianity--the very thing that defines the religion--perfectly resembles a fascist regime.

There are no denominations without these critical flaws. That we're so willing to pretend that there is, is why they came back so strongly after just a couple years of legal defeats. The LGBT-phobic sentiment never went away; it's still mainstream Christian thought. We'll never be able to end our oppression until we stop pretending that Christians have a right to these beliefs.

Regarding music--thank you for the recommendations! And please, no feeling dumb for making a recommendation. It's not obvious but my experience with music is. Well, it feels weird to call it new, but in the scheme of things, it is.

Short story: I learned as an adult that having a heart murmur can really mess up your ability to perform music. Music education in school was very frustrating for reasons that I didn't understand at the time. So I just didn't interact with music in any way at all. I expected it in games and movies, but just listening didn't bring me any joy. And in some ways, I haven't fully shaken that--I like listening on work days where I don't have a ton of meetings; it helps me focus on the tasks. I rarely just listen.

There were 2 things that changed my perspective. I was asked to join an African Percussion group in college (specifically Ewe music from Ghana)--I was learning about live audio for video production, and the instructor had me help them setup their PA system during performances. They ended up inviting me into the group, and I finally got something out of music.

A couple years later, I went to my first Renaissance Faire. And I found I was drawn to the really loud music--the kind that you can physically feel, not just hear. Which was an obvious connection to the percussion music I'd been playing. And I loved it!

That led me to be open to play Guitar Hero and Rock Band when I was invited to, which let me appreciate some more music. But I still prefer the playful kind. I'll take bag rock over rock any day.

So I don't really have a lot of knowledge around music. I don't know a lot of the groups people think would be obvious to know. And I don't really have a lot of language to describe what I like about different kinds of music. And so, despite your preface, feel comfortable: I had never heard of Mountain Goats before.

I will say, the content of the Mountain Goats and Chris Pureka were close to what I was looking for, but the feeling of the music wasn't. I found a couple songs from both that I liked, though, so thanks!

I tend to like really energetic music. I often shorthand to "fast" but I recognize that's not the main defining characteristic, I just don't have better words for it. Evan Greer was pretty much EXACTLY what I was looking for--thank you!

What I liked about the folk song I mentioned, and some of the artist's other work before she outed herself as a bigot, was the "fantasy" setting. Folk music is a genre where I'm less likely to enjoy content about modern life. I mean, most of my favorite music tends to lean towards fantasy/renaissance/scifi. But folk in particular, I like it to reflect a different time--past or future--I live here in this time, so it doesn't feel as interesting. I also liked the power in her voice (I don't have the language for what I'm describing; it's not just the forcefulness of her tone, but the way you know the instruments will never compete for focus against her voice), and the driving energy of the rhythm.

Here are some examples of what I personally would describe as a similar vibe:

March of Cambreath by Heather Alexander; Wanderer's Path by Mythemia; Wake Skadi by Hagalaz' Runedance.

Not quite as comparable, but I would consider Zumbaj by Reliquiae (or, since they seemed to have pulled the song for some reason, Šarena gajda by Rece-Fice zenekar és Bea Palya is a close enough substitute) and Dawson's Christian by Vixy and Tony to be the kind of vibe I'm going for.

(Actually, from that selection, it's probably kind of obvious about how much I enjoyed Evan Greer's work. Again, thank you!)

Though even compared to these, I felt like the song I referenced is still a unique outlier in this company, and I wanted more with that kind of defiant old gods kind of feeling.

well um I don't really love follow you follow me but I'm glad it was a hit cos whenever I listen to the rest of and then there were three well some of it is good and it's mostly very much in the same vein as the two albums that preceded it which both of those I love but somehow on this one it feels like. Stale and I think it was just like. At that point after losing both peter and steve they did just need a change and I'm glad fyfm becoming a hit gave them some direction plus the little hiatus like when I go from listening to that album to Duke it's very much a revitalized band like it feels very fresh and it's so good even though its stylistically different (not even as much as some people make it sound though) thats very much a good thing and its just kinda like thank god cos I get a bit exhausted listening to and then there were three...like part of me wishes they could've just continued to make albums just like a trick of the tail or whatever and just as good but I just don't think they could have. Like they just sound a bit lost to me on ATTW but duke it's like. We are soooo fucking back.

Hey andie! I was wondering whether you had any advice/recommendations for how to be kinder to yourself? It feels like my life is being taken over by my tendency to self-deprecate. Sometimes I just want to be like one of your characters, who recognize the parts of themselves that are "not ideal" but this recognition doesn't seem to like totally derail them (yes, I, in fact, have read your fics so many times that I think (?) I am able to psychoanalyze your protagonists.)

Hello my love!! I'm so beyond honored you've not only read my fics but that you've read them enough times to have dug deep into the characterization of my reader characters!! I am very lucky to have you as a reader, and I'd like to help however I can!

I want to say firstly that I'm definitely happy to talk about this since I have soooo many Thoughts™ on this subject!! But I hope you have friends or loved ones you can talk about this with too. Because I'm just some rando on the internet, and you deserve to be loved and listened to by the people closest to you!

On how to be kinder to yourself, I have like three main ideas that kind of drive my own mentality about this: 1) the Just Some Guy school of thought, 2) the growth mindset, and embarrassingly, 3) YOLO.

The Just Some Guy school of thought is like that post that's been going around, where it's like "honestly the just some guy movement has helped me more than the everyone is beautiful movement," and I find that so true as well. I kind of place myself in the same category as everyone else, in that I really am Just Some Guy.

The benefit of being Just Some Guy, is that I don't have to be better, and can hardly be worse, than the average person. Which means I also should be treated the same way as I would want anyone else to be treated. Do I think any of my friends are idiots if they make a mistake at work or fail a test or have bad acne or "imperfect" figures?? No!! They are just people and I respect them all the same. People have annoying personality traits, and make constant mistakes, and Go Through Things, and look like anyone else, and they need to be treated with patience and kindness and little check ins and favors because that is how you treat any person!!

And if you are Just Some Guy, then why should you be treated differently than you would treat anyone else in your life? This means you also should have the benefit of patience, and understanding, and small check ins with yourself, little treats and favors--the same as you would do for a friend. Because you are the same!!!!

At least for me, this removes the self-indulgent kind of guilt that weirdly can come with being good to yourself. If you think of yourself as just anyone else, it somehow gets easier to be nicer, to establish check ins, and to do little things for yourself.

The growth mindset is another thing that has really helped shape my own sense of worth and identity. (Ignore that this makes me sound like both some new age hack and a business bro. I promise this is a real thing lol.)

This helps remove a lot of the guilt and dissembling that can come with making mistakes and being bad at stuff. The general idea is that one instance of a mistake or failure is its own unique instance. It's hard to divorce yourself from the pattern of your own life where you may feel that all you do is make mistakes, or fail, or whatever, because you've experienced that multiple times. But a mistake is just that, a mistake. And in that mistake, there is the opportunity to learn.

Every time I make a mistake, I try not to treat it like a failure of my own personality. But instead think of it as the best I could have done under whatever circumstances (even if I didn't try my best, because there are circumstances like exhaustion, burn out, etc, that influence willingness to apply yourself, too). Then I examine what went wrong and what I could have changed to make it different.

And then next time, I try to adjust circumstances to make it different. And if that doesn't work, I examine again, and make adjustments for the next next time. Etc etc.

In this way I don't have the expectation that I have to be perfect, just that I have to learn, and that also removes a lot of the pressure and guilt that can come with new opportunities.

Lastly, and this is soooo embarrassingly millennial of me, but I think YOLO really does capture my ultimate feeling about everything.

You only live once. You only get like, 80 years-ish max on this planet. You have already lived so many of them and have limited time left. And in the end, all the pressure you put on yourself, all the ways you punished yourself for who you were--that's not going to matter AT ALL.

So why do it?? Why not spend your time enjoying as much of your life as you can?? Why not spend your time being gentle with yourself, because you can, and because if you don't do it, things might play out that no one else ever does either!!

You only live once. Live kind to yourself, because this is the only lifetime you will ever get. And wouldn't it be so sad if you never gave yourself the love you so badly wanted?

small rant

idk if it’s just me but i’m honestly kinda losing that love i had for kpop years ago. maybe it was a phase who knows? but i’m just tired of these idols. it’s 2022 and every other week another idol gets called out for doing smth problematic, it makes me think companies and idols truly will never understand that they’re now in the eye of the whole world which consists of different cultures and their actions will hurt people. i also believe a reason why kpop isn’t as enjoyable anymore is bc of the obsession over numbers. i personally never participated in any streaming, if i like a song i will listen to it but i won’t force myself to repeatedly watch an mv just so my faves can get an achievement no one outside the fandom cares about, or so they can win a useless award at a music show that they won’t do anything with anyways. like the pressure around having to stream your faves otherwise you’re not a real fan is bizarre to me. like i wajt to go on the internet to see people’s opinions on the song, not how many views they got in an hour?

i also realised i’ve been extending watching MV’s for a few months (there are literally some releases from groups i listen to from last year that i still haven’t heard 💀) I don’t know it just kinda makes me sad that kpop has made me feel so exhausted

despite all that i know i won’t ever be able to stop keeping up with nct and svt like i’m attached to them in a sense 💀 like i love them on a different level. sorry for the rant just kinda felt upset that we’ve come to this point (I BLAME 4th GEN STANS)

— nura who is the biggest crosaint <3

i have never ever related with something more like i have with this EVER. bcos its true.

these idols arent really redeeming themselves, seeing as many "locals" and "outsiders" already disapprove of them. like, yes, i wholly understand that korea is ery conservative and one-way with their (especially) societal views, but we're growing up in a generation where we are becoming mre open and understanding to certain idealogies, but nooooooooooo. kpop idols have backtracked their minds to the 19th century and still think that fatshaming and being racist is funny.

as for the numbers, whew, it has a been a prolonged problem in the whole community, to the point where ppl would ONLY stream a song just for views and statistics, for a chance that their faves would win a (truly pointless and trivial) award, which is most undoubtedly rigged anyways.

my interest in kpop is diminishing but i soooo want to stay for nct and p1h 😭😭

Sleepovers At The Baji Household feat. A Fed-Up Chifuyu

Summary: Chifuyu just wants to sleep, man, but Baji wants to be a jealous crackhead at 2 AM.

Pairing: Sano Manjiro | Mikey x Male Reader

Note(s): I had a little free time and wrote this. So, please enjoy! ALSO, to the anon that sent me a request a few days ago, I saw it and have it filed on my to-do list!!! I will definitely get to it as soon as I get a break in my schedule :)

"Chifuyu, ya wanna see some real discrimination?"

No. No, Chifuyu does not want to see what Baji means by 'real discrimination.'

Does he tell him that, though?

Yes, actually, because it's 2 in the fucking morning and, as much as he respects the other boy, he wouldn't put it past himself to smother him with a pillow after having his dream of cuddling with a sea of puppies suddenly destroyed.

Unfortunately for his sanity, Baji either doesn't hear him or, more likely than not, doesn't give a fuck, because he's already flopping onto his belly and whipping out his phone to do God knows what.

The dial tone that sounds from the speaker a few seconds later makes Chifuyu cringe, especially since it's only ever been a calm silence fit for a good night's sleep prior to Baji bulldozing through it with his absurd question. (At the very least, he's thankful that the latter has half a mind to keep the brightness on the lowest setting, otherwise, Chifuyu would have had to fight.)

On the far end of the row of carefully-laid futons, you shift in your sleep, eyebrows furrowing together at the noise. Rotating onto your side, you unconsciously reach for Baji, and just when he thinks you're being cute and trying to cuddle him, you smack him in the head.

Baji doesn't flinch, instead, takes his pillow and shoves it in your grasp to keep your unconscious self occupied, so that he can focus on getting through to the person who reuses to pick up (understandably so).

Releasing a frustrated groan after being redirected to voice mail for the fifth time, he dials the number again, muttering an impatient, "Pick up already."

Chifuyu feels sorry for the poor soul on the other end. He would've blocked someone following the first call, because again, it's-

The blond has to squint his eyes up at the digital clock on Baji's nightstand, which confirms that it's already 2:22 A.M, further solidifying the fact that he shouldn't be awake right now. And this also applies to the ever persistent first division captain, who insists on bothering who Chifuyu soon discovers is Mikey from the contact ID that flashes across the screen.

Why Baji is so keen on bothering him is a question he doesn't have the mental capacity to ponder over. The most energy he'll expend is to listen in when the call miraculously connects.

"What...?" comes a muffled voice from the receiver, tone laced in an irked grogginess birthed from a slumber rudely interrupted.

There's an absurdly loud, almost angry, roar of Mikey's name, one that has Chifuyu curling in on himself in a futile attempt to escape a sound that should be illegal at this hour.

But you know what else should be illegal?

The fucking whiplash Chifuyu gets when Baji's deep voice takes an abrupt 180°, switching from its normal gruffness to a squeaky, ear-piercing shrill as he screams, "I love you, love you, love you! Do you love me, too, Mikey-kyun~♡?!"

The room is dead silent.

Not a word. Not a murmur. Not a breath.

Just pure, unadulterated silence as both Chifuyu and Mikey process the words that hang in the air, permeating it with a goosebumps-inducing eeriness from having heard such a...a girly, overtly cutesy screech from Baji.

Then-

"What the fuck? He hung on me!"

Chifuyu opens his mouth, thinks better of reacting to the cursed scene he had the misfortune of bearing witness to, and promptly closes it.

Other people may have sleep paralysis demons.

But Chifuyu?

Chifuyu has Baji.

With both hands partially raised in prayer, he begs for the shenanigans to be over and done with.

They are not.

While his eyes remain closed in a last ditch effort to convince himself that it's all a bad dream, he hears a lot of grumbling happening on your side of the room, courtesy of Baji, who's scrambling around in search of...something. One quick peek reveals him fiddling with a phone - yours, to be exact, as evidenced by the distinctive phone charm of your favorite anime character hanging from it.

"(Y/n), wake up for a second," he hears him whisper. It takes a bit of prompting, until he's able to successfully rouse you enough from sleep to elicit any kind of response, which is, essentially, nothing short of an incoherent, slurred mess. Although, Chifuyu is pretty damn certain he heard you call Baji a 'dickhead' for the trouble.

Unperturbed, he continues shaking your limp form, coaxing you into wakefulness with, "Repeat what I tell you, and I'll let you go back to asleep. Deal?"

You squint your eyes at him, only able to make out a vague outline of his visage in the lightless room. "Promise?"

"Cross my heart, hope to die," he automatically responds with the same phrase he's become accustomed to saying whenever you two made a promise, something done purely out of habit, formed when the two of you were just kids and he wanted to get you to do something absolutely ridiculous either for him or with him. And just 'cause he knows you're more susceptible to complying if he does it, he also interlocks his pinky with yours.

"...Fine."

The approval is his cue to proceed, and it's as he's putting the phone on speaker that he turns back to a regretfully wide awake Chifuyu, mouthing a wordless, 'Watch.'

The phone rings, loud and clear, precisely once and only once.

"(Y/n), what's wrong?" It's important to note that even though Mikey still sounds tired as hell, his tone is much lighter, much happier really, than when it was Baji, which is an offense in itself to the said teen that's off to the side, attentively listening to the conversation unfold.

Then, it strikes Chifuyu, what Baji is trying to do, and fuck does it give him an instant headache.

Meanwhile, your mouth morphs into the dopiest of smiles with the pleasant surprise of hearing your boyfriend's voice, chest instantly overtaken by a warm fuzziness that never fails to make an appearance whenever he's involved. Sappy, you know, but it's true!

A light but firm nudge to your shoulder reminds you of your mission. It's too bad that, teetering along the edge of sleep as you are, the words Baji whispers are barely repeated correctly.

The initial phrase from before, the one Baji greeted Mikey with, is shortened to a simple, "You wuv I...?"

But, without missing a beat, you receive Mikey's confident reply of, "Mhm... I wuv you a lot."

There's a sleepy giggle then - a fucking giggle - before your voices drop to sweet whispers that the third and fourth wheels can't fully comprehend from where they are.

"Where the fuck was my 'I wuv you,' huh?!" Baji whisper-shouts, considerate of your conversation even when ranting and raving. "Shit, I would've taken a simple 'I love you,' too! I've known that bastard way longer than (Y/n), and this is what I get?!"

Okay. Toman's president answers his boyfriend's late night calls faster than he does anyone else's and openly expresses his love for him. So what? Chifuyu wouldn't exactly call it 'discrimination,' per se. 'Favoritism,' maybe if you wanna stretch it, but using as strong a word as discrimination, especially taking into account you two are dating; it's normal? Nah.

"You wanna say 'bye' to them? Mm. Baji and Chifuyu." A pause. "Fuyu, Mikey says 'bye.'"

"Bye, Mikey-kun."

The other person in the room waits, and waits, and waits, and when it's clear that there is no intention to address his presence whatsoever, Baji turns to Chifuyu with an almost scandalized expression, making wild gesticulations with his hands, clearly distressed. "See?!"

Blank blue eyes stare back at him, unblinking. Honestly, it's a common occurrence - Baji spiraling in a nonsensical rage - so it's easy for Chifuyu to block out the muted, jealousy-driven temper tantrum as he takes his pillow in both hands, raises it as high as he can, and-

Sigh.

-lets it flop right back onto his face.

He can't suffocate Baji. Shouldn't. Wouldn't. Couldn't. After all, they're best buds, meaning he has an obligation to put up with shit like this once in a while. (Plus, he'd probably get his ass kicked before he succeeds anyway. Totally not worth the beating.)

"Did you hear? Mikey said he wuvs me," he hears you drawl dreamily as soon as you hang up, sounding very close to clocking back out for the night.

"Yeah, yeah. Cute shit. Happy for ya, dude," Baji huffs. Thankfully, he sounds like he's in a similar state to yours, if the yawn that follows his sarcastic comment is anything to go by.

"...He soooo ignored you."

That warrants a punishing punch to the arm, dulled only slightly by the combination of the thick quilt you're swaddled in and the raven-haired boy's fatigue.

"I'll fucking throw you out right now, (Y/n). Don't test me."

"You won't."

"I will."

"Won't."

"Will."

The conversation gradually dies down shortly after, the exhaustion that took its sweet time getting to both of you having reached its peak with the help of the childish bickering. It takes 10 minutes, maybe 15, before two sets of light snores fill the room.

Finally.

Let it be known that there is a lesson to be learned from tonight's events. Really, there is. Y'know, something along the lines of 'Don't agree to a sleepover with Baji, if you plan on actually sleeping,' or whatever.

Alas, Chifuyu's consciousness fades before he realizes what it is.

~~~

"Mikey, be honest. Who do you love more? Me or-?"

"(Y/n)."

"But-"

(Y/n)."

"I-"

"(Y/n)."

Baji is only momentarily discouraged, sharp eyes glaring at the blond that lays his head on your lap after hi-fiving you. He didn't want to do this, but he's left with no choice.

"(Y/n) or Babu?"

From the way Mikey stiffens up, refusing to look at either him or you in the eyes, Baji knows he has him right where he wants him, has him torn between a cute face or a sweet ride.

"Oi! Don't pretend to be asleep! Answer the damn question! OI!"

(After hours of serious contemplation - even though you told him it doesn't particularly matter - it's revealed that, of course, Mikey loves you more. Babu just happens to trail behind as a very close second.)

their s/o not giving them any affection

pairings. kenma kozume x reader, suna rintarou x reader, iwaizumi hajime x reader

genre. fluff

other: hinata, bokuto and tendou, semi, sugawara and terushima

Kenma Kozume

your boyfriend's been very busy lately with his acads, volleyball and video games. so you decided to not bother him and let him do his stuffs. thinking that he might get mad at you if you continue being clingy to him. since kuroo said kenma doesn't like someone being clingy to him.

it surprised you. you've been dating him for a year and a month and you just know about it.

it goes on by a week that you didn't bother him. even when he's done playing you'd just ask him how was the game, did he eat and he should get some rest. after that nothing.

he's used to, you hugging him after he's done playing. you'd sometimes style his hair for it not to block his eyes. you'll let him play with your fingers. massage his head or after a game starts you'll kiss his forehead for goodluck. but now he ain't getting any of those.

"im done playing." he looked at you with that knowing look, like he's signaling you to come to him and give him the hugs and kisses you're depriving him.

"oh, okay. you should rest now." that's it? he thought. he sits beside you since your doing your assignment in his desk.

"are you mad at me?" that made you stop from writing. you looked at him with confusion written on your face.

"no, why'd you think i am?"

"you're being distant with me, you're always clingy to me. are you mad because i play too much? im sorry, i promise to give you my attention from now on."

"no, no, no, it's okay. you don't have to change, i mean, im okay with you being preoccupied with games. you love it and you're already doing that even before you met me, so it's okay."

"then why?"

"i... uhm... kuroo said you don't like clingy people.... you should've told me that, i promise not to bother you whenever you play!"

"hey, i didnt say something like that. i... i actually like you being clingy to me."

"really?" he nodded. "i really worry about you sometimes. you're too gullible and kind. kuroo's taking advantage of it to use it against me."

"sorry." you lowered your head, disappointed with yourself. "no, it's okay. but don't listen to kuroo anymore, okay?" he remided his self not to set for kuroo for a week or two as a revenge.

"aye aye, sir." you playfully salute to him.

"can you continue that later? i miss your hugs." he rested his chin on your shoulder and hugged you sideways. you patted his face gently.

"do you want something to eat?" he shakes his head and made his hug on you tighter. "let's just stay like this for a while." you just hummed. he then kissed ypur hand that was caressing his face.

Suna Rintarou

you had this stupid bet with the miya twins. it's 'operation: y/n stop being clingy to his stupid boyfriend for a week'. yes, it was childish but you want to prove something to the twins.

all throughout the week you avoided being near your boyfriend. although you still text him good mornings and good nights, check on him but won't reply after he replied to you.

to be honest, day by day, suna's getting too cranky. the twins noticed it and they just laughed at him.

so for the last day, atsumu had a little idea to fuel things up. he told suna that you're at the back of gym withsome guy who looks like confessing to you.

atsumu smiled, triumphantly. suna ran his way to the back of the gym. right there he saw you talking a guy. what made his blood boil was when he saw you laughing.

that's it, he thought. he abruptly pull you away from the guy and drag you near to the open field where theres no student hanging around.

"hey, why'd you do that? that's rude, suna."

"wow? suna? im suna now? after a week of ignoring me, not talking to me and no hugs, kisses and you're not waiting for anymore. then ill see you with some other guy, laughing, while me, your boyfriend you can't even spare a minute to glance at me. what do you expect me to do? to feel?" he just exploded right there, and it left you dumbfounded.

"just.. break up with me if you don't love me anymore. don't torture me like this." he was ready to turn away and leave you behind when you hugged him and cried.

you didn't know that he's thinking like that, he'll react like this and feel this way. guilt and regret crept into you. how stupid of you to have that bet on the miya twins.

"why are you crying? shouldn't it be me?" his voice was too soft. it made your heart ache more. oh ghad, how could you-

you could feel how hesitant he is to hug you back. he sighed and stroke you're back gently.

you looked up to him to see his eyes. it reflects a lot of his emotions. there's a hint of hurt, regret and longing.

"im sorry, im really sorry. don't think that way, rin. i love you, like, i love you soooo much!"

"are you sure it's me that you love and not the guy you're laughing with?"

"of course, it's you. you're my one and only. he's just my classmate, nothing more."

he released a heavy sighed. "are you still mad?" you asked.

"yes." that made pout. you where about to get away from his hug when he tighten his embrace.

he raised his eyebrow to you then tighten his embrace to you. "who said you can escape my hug? you need to make up for the week you didn't give me your love and attention. you're stuck with me all day."

"i know, i was just about to kiss you but i guess hug is enough for you." that made his eye widen. "what? i want kisses too! this hug isn't enough."

you tiptoped and kiss his cheeks without breaking his embrace to you. he pouted to hide his smile. you cupped his face and just stare at him, lovingly. "im sorry, i hurted you like this. i made a stupid mistake-" he cut you off. "yes you did. you still have a long way to make up with me."

you nodded. "and ill never do something that will doubt my love for you. i didn't consider you're feelings when i agreed to the miya twins' scheme. i won't ever ever do this again. i love you and don't ever doubt that again, okay?"

"wait, what?! i new it! that's why whenever they see me, they'd whisper to each other and then laugh. i should upload all their stupid fighting videos." you swayed your body and his to grab his attention cuz his eyebrows are now nearly connecting like he's plotting for the twin's downfall. "i missed you." you finally grab his attention.

"i missed you too. can you stay at my house today? i don't have an early practice tomorrow." you nodded at him delightedly. and planned what would you do to make up for what you did.

Iwaizumi Hajime

"y/n-san, the coach wants to talk to you and oikawa-san." the juniors called you.

it's been a very busy week since qualifying match for the nationals is nearing. you need to make sure everyone's on their top performance and monitoring the team while helping the coach gathering informations about the players.

you barely have a moment with your boyfriend which you miss hugging so much. speaking of your boyfriend he's been extra grumpy and keeps on glaring at you and oikawa.

today's the same, it's late and exhausting but you can't take it anymore, you need a power hug from your boyfriend. so approached him when there's only few people are in the gym.

"hajimeeee!" you ran to him and instantly wrap your arms around his waist. even though he's sweaty, he still smell nice and manly.

"so now, you're hugging me?" you we're taken aback with what he said. he raised his eyebrow at you.

"huh?" you we're about to move away when he squinted his eyes and glare at you. so you remained hugging him.

"don't huh me, y/n. you're always with shittykawa." that made you giggle. its a rare event to make your boyfriend jealous. you pinched his both cheeks.

"fyi mister iwaizumi, were just discussing about the team's performance and besides can't i hug my boyfriend after a long day?" you released his cheeks. you giggled when you saw his red cheeks.

you released from the hug which made him pouty. "you should change while i just check the equipments, okay?" he followed you. and before you knew it, he's already ready to go.

"im walking you home." he said. "aw did my boyfriend miss me too? don't worry i missed you too." you teased him.

"shut up, y/n or you'll regret it."

"ey, why can't you just admit it? poor me. my boyfriend doesn't miss me. i should just go home by my self. heeey! are you listening to me, hajime?"

he abruptly kissed you on your lips. that made you stuck on your feet. you could even feel your face heat up.

"that should shut you up. and fyi mrs. iwaizumi, i missed you too that's why im staying at your house this weekend. so reserve that day only for me, okay?"

he slowly interteined his fingers to yours then kissed you on your nose. oh ghad! when did he become sooo cool????

So is this the end? Javi Gutiérrez x F!Reader

Hello my beautiful creatures <3 For today im posting this about our favourite puppy Javi. We finally found out the date for TUWOMT soooo its time to celebrate! This is part of my writing challange so story is based on random chooded charecter, place and prompt. (Javi Gutiérrez - Vocation - Is this the end of our relationship?)

Javi Gutiérrez x F!Reader

Warnings: Soft Javi, Jealous reader, little argument, 

Ps: Once again - I´m sorry for all the mistakes, I´m not native speaker and this is just my second ff in English, but i hope you will like it. 

Enjoy! 

You dated Javi for almost 8 months. He was a giant puppy. At the first date he told you that he never had normal relationship. His longest one was couple weeks. “Im not good at these things...” he said. “What do you think?” “Im not good with people. All the girls before just loved my money…” his self esteem was pretty low. You did not understand at all. He was so handsome and easy going. He wasn’t the most intelligent guy; he was pretty simple actually, but he was good man and always polite. He was nearly scared of touching you for the first time. Javi just wanted to do everything right. “Just talk to me and everything will be fine.” you said and kissed him. You never actually fought before. He was honest with you and tells you everything about his past. He told you how Gabriela broke his heart. He was telling you everything. So when you wake up in the morning and didn’t find him next to you, even in the apartment or at the beach, you start worry. He forgot his phone in living room. You were freaking out. You were looking for him everywhere. You start thinking about contacting his CIA friend, but he finally showed at the door. Alive and in a good mood. You want to hit him, really. He showed up after four hours of you looking for him and worrying. “Where the fuck have you been?” you asked. “Just at the yacht with Kay!” he was super calm what makes you even more angry. Were you little jealous? No. Maybe little more jealous than you think. Kay wanted Javier and everybody saw that, expect Javi of course. “We are just good friends, nothing more” he used to say. He would never cheat on you, but you knew Kay would at least try something. “Why didn’t you just let me know?” he still remains calm, and you were still freaking out. “I thought I would be back when you woke up.” “I was worried” you sit on the couch and let the deep breath touch your lungs. “I’m fine… sorry... I forget that damn phone and Kay do not has Hers...” He picked up his phone and looked at the display. So many missed calls till you find it muted in the apartment. “Of course, she will never let you let me know.” You start being little sarcastic, and he starts being little nervous. “What do you think?” “She wants you. A lot. It's obvious. And this whole vocation she tries to steal you from me.” You tried to make it clear to him. He was super easy going with everyone but sometimes, especially when it was young sexy women as Kay, you loose your self-confidence because of it. You knew Javi picked you and you hope he will always picked you but sometimes you actually was jealous of all the attention he gives to random people. “Are you jealous?” He asked with little smile. “Javi I´m not jealous but I´m not blind” Oh, how you hated her. And of course he did not realised. Everybody is always extremely kind to him. There must be something at his magical eyes because there is no way somebody do not like him. You never witness somebody being rude or bad to him. Even the most furious people just calm down next to him. But not you and not now. “You are jealous…” He smiled, but it makes you super angry. “Shut up and listen to me. You try to see always the good in people, but she is not… I wouldn’t be surprised if she knew your cousin.” You actually knew about everything. He told you because sometimes you need to be careful so he can't find you. “Kay is my friend. I feel offended that you do not trust me!” “I trust you. I do not trust her!” you nearly scream. He always loved to make you scream but not at this tone and not from anger. He can´t imagine sweeter sound than when you are screaming his name from a pleasure. You were arguing for a while now. You start regretting that you said something and felt exhausted of this. You wanted just to end this stupid argument and give your boyfriend a little silent treatment for a while. “Okey, Im done with this,” you said, “do as you want…” Javi became silent for a moment. He lowered his head, his curls fall to his face. He looked miserable. “So is this the end?” You looked to him but do not quite understand what he meant. You raise your eyebrows so he asked again. “Is this the end of our relationship?” Your heart aches as you saw his watery eyes. “Of course not, baby” you said, “You are not leaving me?” he asked and looked at you with his puppy eyes. “Why would I do that? Because of one argument? Javi, people argue all the time. Its normal. That does not mean I want to run away from you.” You stand up from a couch to hug him. “Good. Because I love you and I can’t do this without you” “What did you just say?” he blushed. He never told you before. You knew, but he never said that out loud. “I… I… I said I love you” he murmured. “I love you too, Javier Gutiérrez. So sooo much” You kiss his full lips, stroke his curls and realised that you do not need more in your life. Just Javi in your arms and everything other does not matter.