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presumenothing · 4 years

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fmab (+03) fic masterlist

because even i’m starting to lose track of what i’ve posted so far. all writing is eventually crossposted to ao3, individual tumblr posts linked below the cut because it’s lengthy as hell

(this is like 85% post-promised day fic with the occasional canon-divergence au for flavour, ft lots of resembool kids, riza, and roy. basically gen with near-zero ship content because that’s how i roll)

update: total wordcount has now broken 20k 25k 30k 35k 40k 45k(!!!!)

update 2: now with crumbs of 03 content because yeehaw

april

“Actually, Winry – can you do something for me?”

“Lieutenant. Would you ever consider learning alchemy?”

“I guess I just – want to figure out who I am. Me, not the Fullmetal Alchemist.”

Besides, the scars on his palms have been – pardon his language – hurting like a bitch ever since he woke to this gloomy weather this morning.

Ishval had given him plenty of practice at that soldier’s art of taking even the lightest of naps whenever circumstances permitted.

[au] Ed has never had reason to hate how swiftly his mind works, not until now.

It’s just simple clerical error that leads to Edward Elric retaining his title and pay as a State Alchemist, even after the Promised Day. No, really.

may

He’s just tired, not about to collapse.

These days Ed’s journals are actual proper travelogues, no coded shit or anything.

[au] It doesn’t even start until after they arrive in Resembool.

(can’t have been the more socially-adjusted brother, obviously.)

[au] “I don’t,” Ed bites out, “know any damn alchemists.”

Maes raises an eyebrow and sloshes his near-empty cup pointedly.

august

[wip] “Is this about Al, or you?”

“–of course I know these aren’t the most efficient routes!”

Ed seriously considers dyeing his hair more than once, in the After.

Winry only needs a glimpse of red to know what it must be.

Rush Valley talks. Winry listens.

Much as Al loves his brother to itty-bitty-and-very-shouty pieces,

The first time someone mistakes Al for the Fullmetal Alchemist,

+ The thing is, Al gets it.

“Brother told me that you told him about Ishval,” Alphonse says.

It’s an honest observation – as honest as he can ever get, at least –

[au] In another world, she is never named the Hawk’s Eye.

“Somehow I doubt your place is much better, sir.”

would it be the most impossible thing to have happened to the Elrics?

“I can’t believe he didn’t tell us,” Ed growls,

a minimum age limit on all candidates for the State Alchemist exam.

“There’s gotta be a shark somewhere around.”

The Elrics make transmuting without circles look easy.

The problem, if Riza is to put it into words,

Al completely botches the first dozen or so transmutations

(Ed? Talking about automail? Over food?)

[au] in the end it’s Al who really takes after their father.

“Fullmetal realising his celebrity status? Woe betide us,”

The tea is actually well-made, first of all, not burnt

“Not like– I mean, personal about me, not you!”

[au] “Huh,” Al says.

Still less work than getting entropy-murdered by Olivier, he decides.

[au] It’s not every dead person that he sees.

[au] They weren’t even meant to stop in Resembool.

Jean just wants to make one thing – okay, a few things – very clear.

Ed knows this firsthand from too much Winry exposure.

The lump on the couch lets out a string of wholly intelligible noises.

september

“Take me out to dinner,” Riza says.

“We’re not even in Amestris, though.”

[au] Riza had been angry too, when she had let herself be, but hers is a cold ire, locked beneath glaciers and the burn of frostbite. Wrath makes no such pretences.

[outline] But in the case of Fullmetal – more specifically in the case of Fullmetal and Youswell – Roy mostly wishes he could unknow things.

[au] Roy forces enough air into his lungs to get the words out. “You’re dead.”

[outline…?] winry’s gonna like this, al says.

Alphonse flaps a hand. “Oh, because it’s complete bullshit.”

“Y’know, you really aren’t that tall, Brother.”

getting to finally keep a cat hadn’t been very high on his list of priorities.

[au] “Edward. Get out of here, take Envy with you.”

[wtnv au] “Welcome to Resembool.”

october

just because you’re immortal doesn’t mean you can’t die from food poisoning, young man.

[au snippet] It’s sort of a belief, in the eastern parts of Amestris,

[03] Al’s hug is the first real thing he’s felt in years.

[03] Never thought you were, Ed retorts lightly, and lets Alfons turn away with a huff.

“When you said to come visit you in Rush Valley this is not what I was expecting!”

(and jeez, only Ed would manage to make it necessary to keep a kit on hand for actual minor-to-major catastrophes during a semi-honeymoon trip)

november

[03] Except the sight of his brother only serves to make everything worse, for once.

[au] The worst thing about this is that it’s not even equivalent.

[au] “You wanna know why? The real reason, not the quantum bullshit I fed Mustang.” (+ more in the tag)

[snippet] And just for that I won’t be leaving Wrath any.

“I shall finally exact the decisive vengeance that I have always dreamed of,” Scar booms right back before Armstrong can even ask,

Al knows from the moment he wakes up that it’s going to be a good day.

[snippets] The real disaster comes when Ed learns how to weaponise his height.

[03 au] The man in the brown overcoat. That’s all anyone ever seems able to recall of Edward.

[au] They say the Elric house is haunted. Of course. Empty houses are always haunted.

Of course, this assumes that said person is an alchemist of some ability, and that said life has been one of some loss and strife.

“Are you alright? Nod for yes, swear at me for no.”

from the intervening pause he surmises Riza is jotting something down on the notepad she keeps by the phone.

She’s been looking forward to the day when her hair finally gets long enough to – well, no longer be short.

“Remind me of this the next time I decide to trust Ling any further than I can throw him.” ( + xing tag)

december

Ed’s almost twenty when he realises that Hawkeye must’ve been around his age when she was deployed to Ishval.

[au] At least this far out from Amestris Ed could mostly brush the first one off as an interplanetary translation fuckup.

bonus textposts and assorted nonsense

the Better Alchemist™️

on the topic of ed’s scrawl

al, defender of cat

*csi miami theme but with cats*

on the topic of flat affect + 200000% turbo by default

on the topic of pain tolerance + further thoughts

ed @ mustang’s problem solving skills

ok but about liore…

terrible TERRIBLE ideas (three of them)

putting the SHORT in SHORT-TEMPERED

clap reflex

you’re retired, ed, r e t i r e d

and by “ambidextrous” i mean “confused”

protip: you can’t

YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAH (aka csi miami theme, riza redux)

feral ducklings, the continuation(??)

does THIS count as elric telepathy

honestly, y’all

too much fire?? sounds fake

on the topic of academia

sometimes the stars align

on the topic of riza hawkeye

terrible idea, berthold version

immortal troubles

THE CHURCH OF EDWARD ELRIC

PRIDE (& WRATH): one, two, three (4koma)

objectively the worst post-cos timeline

serious stuff: fma drama cd, daughter of dusk

asks: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 aka izumi pwns roy, 9 aka not coffeeshop au, 10 aka legalities, 11 aka autograph woes

#fma #fullmetal alchemist #fmab #fma 03 #fanfiction #mine #yes i'm basically allergic to titles that is definitely it #ficlist

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tirednotflirting · 3 years

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yayyy questions time !! 8, 9 for pretty venom fic my beloved, 10 for you're the one to help me get to sleep etc, 17 (post another!!), 29, 44 yes this is a lot thank you for your service i love youuuu xoxo bella

i love YOU!!! and oh boy so many! lemme go get my tea before i start brb

alright i’m back (okay this got long so we’re gonna throw it under a read more lol

8. Where do you take your inspiration from?

this was actually somewhat difficult to nail down i gotta say. but i think it kinda comes down to about three things: good tunes, moments in life that made me feel things, and other people’s writing. like so much of what i write is basically songfic like it’s what speaks to my mostly. esp w all the taylor stuff like she songwrites in such a storytelling kinda way i can’t resist. there’s a few different fics i have (or have since deleted) that are drawn like. pretty damn directly from stuff that’s happened kinda in my own life (the 1 lashton, austin jalex, etc) and i think it’s actually been kinda good to sorta take those moments and look at them from an outside perspective like that idk. and i think i pull Vibes(TM) from other people’s writing quite a bit. stuff like emo lashton taught me a lot about how writing intimacy in a variety of ways works and like meghna’s stuff like starlight fic rlly showed me the power of playing w time in your writing and also just making every moment so big and loud even when it’s quiet. this was a long answer lol

9. In your xxx fic, what’s your favourite scene that you wrote? (for but it’s clear when it hits me)

this fic is really only like two scenes but like this chunk from that fic is my favorite bit and was also the first part of it that i wrote, fun fact:

Alex moves to stand but Jack drops a hand to his knee and their eyes meet, Alex’s holding a question. He parts his lips to ask it but Jack beats him to it again. “Can I stay with you tonight? This tune’s kinda put me in a weird mood now and I just,” he pauses and his eyes drift from Alex’s. “Just want to stay with you.”

He picks up Jack’s hand and lets their fingers tangle together before lifting them up to press his lips to Jack’s knuckles. “Always.”

They head in the direction of the stairs, leaving the guitar and journal resting out since the living room was already in a state of musical chaos. Jack’s exhaustion is obvious from his shuffled motions as they move up the steps and Alex laughs softly, these hours not unfamiliar to his racing thoughts, though he knows that obviously can’t be the norm for everyone. He lets a hand move to press against the bottom of Jack’s back and guides them in the direction of his room once they hit the top step.

fairly certain that i also kinda reused part of the last paragraph in a different fic (the one where jack is sitting around waiting for alex’s fight to get in) but it was pretty so i just kept it in both lkfjdsl

10. In your xxx fic, why did you decide to end it like that? Did you have an alternative ending in mind? (for you're the one to help me get to sleep // maybe i fell in love when you woke me up)

okay so this one is fun! my favorite things to write (and what i kinda think i write best tbh) is either going to sleep scenes or waking up scenes and so i had the wild idea of throwing both of those into one piece and having each one be from a different POV. really liked the idea, i remember i wrote the first half and got a little burnt out by it, had you read it, and then you confirmed it didn’t suck so i was able to keep going. but i hadn’t played around with like pulling a metaphor across a piece in awhile (like i do it in little ways but the last time i had really gone for it w that was 1973 fic) so i had the idea of starting and ending each scene with corresponding lines.

the first line in each one was easy to work with:

The sun is just beginning to set over LA and Alex is in love.

and

It’s pouring down rain in Maryland and Jack is in love.

but i really struggled with getting the last lines to coordinate in a similar way and have it not sound too clunky. like i’m telling you i spent way too fucking long figuring out how tf to phrase the one i ended up using for alex’s section.

And maybe that’s what love is, falling asleep already in a dream.

and

And maybe that’s what love is, waking up to the beginning of another dream.

but i’m genuinely so fucking proud of how it ended up working out like of all of my fics this one felt like it really covered all my favorite things about my writing.

17. Post a line from a WIP that you’re working on.

lmao okay lemme see what we got here

He laughs along with Alex while he tells him about the elaborate excuses he gets for late homework and tries to ignore the electricity he feels run up the entire length of his body when their feet knock together below the bar.

yeah that’s a good one there we go

29. Do you have a story that you feel doesn’t get as much love as you’d like?

lol so total honesty, even if like, a couple of you in the club read my stuff and found even a glimmer of joy in it that would be enough for me (and i know the audience we’re working with here is already pretty limited) but probably either and we'd both stay out 'til the morning light (just bc it’s just fucking pretty imo and definitely one of the most well written pieces i have) or i can picture it after all these days aka all too well fic that i wrote w @reveriesofawriter. like i know it’s sad but fucking hell it’s a damn good fic

44. What is the last line you wrote?

the last actual line i wrote was whatever the last line was in the paper rings merrikat from the other day. HOWEVER, last line that i have no shared w the internet yet is:

It’s a sight he feels like he could look at for days despite the tiny voice in his head telling him to consider pumping the brakes a little. “Looking forward to it.”

boy that was a lot! thanks for the questions my love x

#we really out here trying to think critically about our writing at 4.30am huh #this rlly was a good time though thank u miss bella #Anonymous

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baenxietydad · 4 years

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blood by the middle east || the songs

Date: August 12th, 2020

tl;dr: Nemo meets his mother’s family.

@justkeepdancing-nemo

KYUNG-OK

Kang Kyung-ok did not cry.

When she came into the world in 1938, she was silent and the nursing talents feared her mother had delivered a stillborn. She didn’t even weep when her oldest daughter, her beautiful So-yeon, had been slain because the healing talent she Promised to couldn’t just die instead. When that same coward took her only grandchild and whisked him away to who knows where her eyes didn’t even mist.

Instead, white hot rage lived where grief and tears should have. Tears made a woman weak but anger made her strong and Kyung-ok would take strength over looking sympathetic anyday. When she heard the voice, the heavily accented Korean-speaking voice of her only grandchild for the first time in fourteen years, Kyung-ok burst into tears. It only took a couple hours to arrange flights to England from Daegu for the following week.

She was not an emotional woman. While her husband and youngest daughter had expressed having the flitters over meeting Nam-min, she would admit to nothing of the sort. Margaret Thatcher had nothing on Kang Kyung-ok, for the fairy was harder and colder than the prime minister could have ever been.

She blamed her luck for making her that way.

Kyung-ok loved her husband, her daughters, and her Hollow, but the rest of the world could burn and she would light a cigarette on the flames. She did suppose it wasn’t very fairylike of her, but neither was being a lawyer.

And neither was absconding to England with your fledgling. It was a marvel So-yeon’s dimwit partner made it this far. Did he manage to learn English? She was willing to bet not.

Kyung-ok has never hesitated once in her life but standing outside of the apartment Nam-min told Soon-ja to come to, her fist couldn’t ball up to knock on the door.

What if he’s too much like my daughter? What if he rejects us? Thoughts she never allowed until now, when they were too loud to drown out.

“You speak more English.” Kyung-ok said to her only living daughter. “Knock.”

NEMO:

Nemo was gonna meet his grandparents.

The news still hadn’t sunk in. This was all a dream-- finding the address, writing a letter, getting the call from Aunt Soon-ja just a week and a half later. Nemo had clung to the phone so tightly he feared he’d break it. He clung to the words of his aunt and grandparents, though, even tighter. It’d been a bit of a strange conversation-- mostly in Korean, but a couple of English words and phrases sprinkled in by a flustered Nemo. Sometimes his aunt had to translate for his grandparents. But Nemo was never more grateful for Appa’s insistence on Korean, because he knew enough to hold the best bits of the conversation close to his chest. The most important bit of all?

When his grandparents asked if they could come see him.

“Yes,” Nemo said without hesitation, his heart clenched, his hope rendering him nearly breathless. And then: “I--you should come for my dance recital at the end of August.”

And they were.

They were arriving today, though because it was tourist season, Nemo knew they booked a hotel in the Next Town Over. Nemo was all flitters while he waited. Every hour he checked the clock and tracked their journey to himself. Now, they’re in England. Now, they’re taking the train from London. They must be in the Next Town Over by now. Now, they’re on the train again--

In between each burst of nerves and excitement, a thought of Appa struck. Guilt followed in the aftershocks of it, Nemo grinding his teeth and pulling up his texts with him. He probably should tell Appa all about this...and you know, he meant to. He meant to tell Appa when Aunt Soon-ja called. And he meant to tell him when the trip was made. But he kept putting it off.

He just couldn’t get Appa’s face out of his mind when Nemo mentioned his grandparents the first time. He’d been so upset. Nemo couldn’t risk…

He would tell Appa, just after. This meeting wasn’t about him anyway. It was about Nemo.

When the knock on the door came, he strangled an anxious, excited scream, spinning around in place like he was about to take off and hit his head on the ceiling. Stay breezy, jingles! He thought to himself, sucking in a breath and then darting to the door.

He could feel his heartbeat in his ears.

Before he could, like, pass out from excitement, he flung open the door and stared up at the strange faces of his long-lost relatives. His eyes widened. For a flit, he froze.

“O-oh, um-- 안녕하세요! (ahnyeonghaseyo)!” Nemo quickly bowed to his grandparents and aunt.

KYUNG-OK:

Kyung-ok would later wince at her grandson’s accent; the child of her beloved daughter, her Korean daughter, speaking Korean like a tourist who at least did his homework. She couldn’t help it. It was in her nature as a lawyer, as a fast-flying fairy, as a marginalized woman in her society, to demand the best. It was her duty to identify weaknesses and rip them out.

The one weakness she’d yet to tackle in herself, however, was her hurt over what pathetic Bae Mu-yeol did. She effectively lost her daughter twice when he took away all she had left of her. Part of her wasn’t even sure her grandson would’ve been alive.

After all, his father had tried to die. Who’s to say he wouldn’t have tried taking his son with him a second time?

Seeing him in the flesh was more than a reunion. It was witnessing a resurrection.

“Nam-min!” Kyung-ok rushed forward to hug him, not caring if he stiffened in her arms, she’d only hug him tighter.

Her English was lacking so she just spoke to him in Korean. Hopefully the parasite that latched onto her So-yeon at least taught him Korean.

“Do you remember us? Oh, probably not. Sweet boy, you’ve grown so tall! You look so much like your mother.” Who, also, looked a lot like Kyung-ok herself. Yes, this was So-yeon’s son. “You have her facial features.”

NEMO: He didn’t know what to expect. The little he read in Eomma’s journals did not paint his grandparents in the friendliest light. He knew that they had been disapproving of Appa as Eomma’s partner, partially because they wanted her to find a fast-flying talent. Eomma argued with them, was frustrated with them, but she still talked to them--at least in what Nemo was able to translate. So maybe they’d be strict and overly formal. He braced himself for that.

Instead, his halmoni rushed forward and drew Nemo into a hug.

“Oh!” Nemo squeaked. His eyes widened. His halmoni only squeezed him tighter. It took one extra flit for Nemo to fully melt into the hug, but then he did-- wrapping his arms back around her and squeezing just as tight.

And Nemo let go of the few things he read in Eomma’s journal.

He wasn’t Eomma, nor Appa. That stuff was sixteen years ago. This was Nemo’s chance, and that chance was a beautiful, fresh spring morning, full of nothing but potential. Nemo would do whatever he could to make sure these relationships bloomed.

When Halmoni pulled away, Nemo’s cheeks flushed and he had tiny tears sparkling in his eyes. He giggled shyly, ducking his head briefly.

Appa always said he did look like Eomma.

“Really?” he spoke in Korean. At least he knew that word--though he felt bad, knowing he’d have to use mostly informal Korean because that’s how he spoke to Appa. “Thank you. I--o-oh, I should--do you want anything to drink or eat?” Nemo’s blush deepened. “You’re probably so tired from traveling too, please, come sit down!”

KYUNG-OK:

Here, she couldn’t contain her surprise. Clearly he spoke Korean regularly but Bae Mu-yeol did not teach him how to speak to his elders. No matter. There would be time for that. Kyung-ok, soon enough, would teach him right.

“We’re okay, Nam-min,” she assured him, patting her husband’s hand for him to agree.

“Yes, the trip went smoothly.” Young-chul said, awkwardly, like he was speaking to a stranger and not their late daughter’s child.

Kyung-ok quickly cut in and gestured to the third guest in Nam-min’s home as they sat down. “And this — this is our other daughter, Soon-ja, your eomma’s sister. She speaks English very well so if you run out of Korean that’s okay.”

Of course, Nam-min knew all of this. He’d written to Soon-ja, by some miracle found her address in one of his late mother’s belongings. Hard to believe his father left such things lying around.

“Oh, Nam-min, you must have been so scared of your terrible father and what other secrets he had when you found out about us.” Kyung-ok cooed, petting Nam-min’s hair like he was a prize show cat. To her, he may as well be. Nothing was more precious than her only grandchild— her hopes for Soon-ja giving her any were about as dead as her respect for anybody in the Bae family.

Nam-min, of course, was a Song.

NEMO:

Nemo expected the insult.

He couldn’t blame his halmoni either. How could he blame them when Appa’s lies chased Nemo out of his own house? Even though he still planned to have dinner with Appa and fix things, he couldn’t expect his grandparents to do the same. But Appa was not a part of this. So Nemo could take the mention of him and put it to the side. At least, for now.

(Course, there was a squirming urge in him to try to fix things between Appa and his grandparents anyway. If nothing was healed, would he be able to have a true relationship with the Songs if he forgave Appa…? He didn’t want to choose. He shouldn’t have to.

But that problem could wait.)

“It was pretty awful,” he admitted now. His hands curled into fists on his lap. He was sitting quite straight, perfect ballet posture. His sentences had to be just as careful and poised, if only because he had to think about them twice-over in order to make sure he got his Korean correct. “But I’m...I’m hoping that I can make up for all the time we lost. I want to look forward, not back. That’s what...fast-flying talents do, right?”

“Aiya, you sound like a little adult!” chuckled his aunt and she flashed him a teasing smile.

Nemo blushed, but he grinned back.

KYUNG-OK:

“My little flower, you have grown.” She marveled at his words. “You are too grown. You are talking like a true fast-flying adult.”

Now that wasn’t a good or a bad thing, it simply was an observation. Nam-min was grown beyond his sixteen years and only reminded her of her daughter, and how this was truly her son. It was like having So-yeon back.

“I brought some modest gifts. You deserve more but we weren’t sure what you like.” Kyung-ok said, reaching into her purse and pulling out a plastic bag full of photographs. “These are pictures of your Eomma growing up. And some of you as a baby.”

A beat.

Young-chul spoke. “I don’t know what to ask you first. You are...not the fledgling I last held.”

NEMO:

The pictures were not modest gifts to Nemo. His eyes widened and he held out his hands at once, taking the plastic bag. He opened it and fished inside--

The first picture he pulled up was a black and white picture of toddler Eomma. Nemo sucked in a breath. She looked so young. She did look like him--not so much now, of course, but when Nemo was about her age, maybe 4 or something. Tears pricked at his eyes.

Had Appa ever seen these? I could show him, thought Nemo. At dinner, when we...maybe after everyone meets everyone but-- he would really like these.

“Thank you so much,” Nemo said as he flipped to another picture. He sucked in another breath through his nose so he could keep his tears back. It’d be such a bad impression to start blubbering like a fish.

He met the soft eyes of his hal-abeoji next. Young-chul. He hadn’t read as much about him as he did about his halmoni and his aunt (Eomma complained a lot about her eomma, but loved her sister dearly). Of the three, Nemo thought he was the most nervous for his hal-abeoji simply because of the mystery. He didn’t seem cold, though. Maybe a bit out of place. But there was a lot here that was new and strange-- Nemo among them.

He didn’t want his hal-abeoji to be a stranger to him though.

He smiled again. “I--I know, I feel the same,” he said and chuckled as his face turned red because it was awkward (!!) but that was okay! Nemo could handle awkwardness, he flew straight into it and burst through the other side. “I can just start talking though. I actually talk a lot, that’s--that’s something about me. Um, you know that I dance. I’m also-- still involved in the Pixie Hollow here.” He knew the Songs lived a mostly human life, but maybe they’d find this interesting? “I had to put off my testing for a year because of...well, my--wing, but I’m training hard now, still. And going to school here. I won prom king.” He flushed bright red as this popped out. Yah, would they even know what that was?!

“Prom king?” echoed his aunt in English--because Nemo said it in English. “You mean like the, like in the American TV shows?”

Nemo nodded a little frantically and laughed again. He rubbed his neck. “Um, it’s kind of stupid…”

“No, that’s good! It means--” she looked at her parents and translated into Korean, something like: “Nemo is very popular in his human school, his peers elected him to a title called Prom King at the end of the year.”

“I don’t think I’m very popular,” Nemo said in English, still flustered. But pride was blossoming, petal by petal, in his chest. He did want his relatives to think he was popular-- well-liked and respected. No need to mention the whole vampire thing or, er, the Burn Book, haha.

KYUNG-OK:

Now that was some good news!

“Of course you’re popular and well-respected. You’re from the Daegu Song and Kang fast-flying families.” Kyung-ok said quickly. “It’s genetic.”

As fraught as her relationship with her youngest daughter has always been, she was proud and thankful that she spoke English so well. This would be a disaster without her.

“Do you have any video of your dancing?” Young-chul asked.

NEMO:

Nemo glowed at the praise. He glowed at the mention of the other family names, Song and Kang. They were unfamiliar to him, but didn’t they seem almost like medals that he’d like to win? Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow--and maybe not ever once his grandparents found out he couldn’t even test for fast-flying, but for now, they seemed attainable, like Nemo could deserve them. He could be this polished version of himself: Prom King Nemo (who didn’t ruin prom), popular, well-respected.

What better way to keep all that praise comin’ then with dance?

Nemo beamed and nodded fast at his hal-abeoji. “Yes! I--is it okay if I pull it up on my phone? I don’t have a laptop and my hyung is studying at the library here,” he said sheepishly, as he got out his phone to pull up the Youtube app.

“I, ehm, have a couple of solos, but also there are a few pas de deux with my friend, Ashlee.”

KYUNG-OK:

“Show us, please. We would love to see your dancing.” Kyung-ok said, a part of her thankful her grandson had something to show her how wonderful he was that didn’t involve having to visit the Hollow to see.

As a fairy, she knew she’d be welcome. As Kang Kyung-ok...ah, well. If Bae Mu-yeol saw her, it wouldn’t end well. For him.

“We will have to take you to the ballet in Seoul.” Young-chul said.

Kyung-ok’s eyes darted to him, as if to tell him to shut his mouth, before Soon-ja caught onto what they were planning behind her back. It wasn’t like it would hurt her, she just, was too much like So-yeon. She didn’t see their late daughter’s partner for the monster he was and would not agree with what she and Young-chul had decided.

“When you visit.” Kyung-ok added smoothly, smiling at Nam-min as he went to find the videos on his phone. “Aigoo, I can’t get over how much you look like your mother, Nam-minnie. Doesn’t he look just like your sister, Soon-ja-yah?”

“You can tell whose genes were stronger.” Young-chul added with a chuckle, loosening up little by little.

NEMO:

The ballet in Seoul.

Nemo held back his squeak of excitement, though he looked up at his grandparents with a huge smile. His insides felt radiant as sunshine. Could such a thing really happen? Before, dreams of Korea, of Seoul, of his birth Hollow in Daegu had to remain dreams. It was simply too expensive for Nemo and Appa to fly there and then to fly back. He figured...maybe after he began his apprenticeship and cut back on his dancing...maybe he could keep working and gather together savings with Appa for some kind of trip. But that would have been years and years away.

His grandparents though had human money. His halmoni was a lawyer--they earned lots. And so going to the ballet in Seoul might not be a distant star anymore. He could reach it and turn his wish into reality.

“I’d love that. I want to see everything in Seoul,” enthused Nemo, and then he handed his phone over to Soon-ja, who made the video on Youtube bigger for them. He kept talking as the video started. “I want to go to all the places Eomma talked about in her journals. Like her school. I’d love to walk on the campus and-- go down to the river, or see the old marketplace where she’d buy food. Everywhere!”

KYUNG-OK:

“You lived in Seoul. Your parents went home to Daegu to have you and then after you were two weeks old traveled back to Seoul.” Kyung-ok said. “So-yeon was going to enroll you in human preschool shortly before she…”

Now, she talked about her daughter’s death often. It wasn’t new, it wasn’t usually too difficult. But she’d never talked about her with her grandson before.

“I’m sorry, this is all so emotional.” She said, nervous-laughing and wiping her watering eyes. “My daughter loved you so much; and I loved her so much, even if we didn’t agree on...anything.”

NEMO:

Nemo’s eyes filled with tears too.

It didn’t take much to make him cry. He’d already nearly wept all over his relatives when they appeared. But without fail, seeing others tear up tapped into Nemo’s own emotional well. His tears surged forth and he scooted on the couch so he was closer to his halmoni, reaching out to grasp her other hand in one of his. This was all instinct too and honestly, for a second, Nemo forgot exactly what was happening here-- that this was his magic-line-- that despite the distance between them, he and the Songs were connected by the twisting winds and the seasons. Right now, that didn’t matter. Nemo just saw someone who needed a hand to hold. And so he gave his halmoni one.

“Me too,” Nemo said, smiling as his eyes shined with tears. He sniffled a little. “I understand and I know my eomma loved you very much, no matter what. I also know she’d be really happy we’re getting to finally talk.” He grinned brighter, looking at his hal-abeoji and Aunt Soon-ja too. “I really can’t wait to spend so much more time with you.

Soon-ja scrunched her face and then-- “Oooooh, I can’t help it! C’mere!” She moved swiftly over to Nemo’s other side and pulled him into a tight hug, making Nemo laugh.

KYUNG-OK:

Ssi-bang.

Little Nam-min was holding her hand and comforting her and Kyung-ok couldn’t contain her tears any longer. One trickled down her face and Young-chul wiped it away with his thumb.

She chuckled, embarrassed, and sniffed. “It’s so unfair, what happened to my daughter. She had so much to offer the world - the human world! - those humans screwed themselves almost as badly as they did us.”

“I’ll never forgive Bae Mu-yeol for not saving her and her unborn fledgling.” Kyung-ok wiped her eyes one last time and refused to cry any further.

“Yeobo, I’m sure he tried.” Young-chul said gently. Now, he hated the sparrowman too but perhaps expressing their full contempt for Nam-min’s abeoji wasn’t the right move.

“Not hard enough!” Kyung-ok snapped. “What kind of healing talent can’t, eo? Or make their son’s malformed wing better?”

She kissed Nemo’s cheek. “You must have had to work five times as hard to succeed.”

Young-chul cleared his throat. “I’m surprised you know Korean so well.”

NEMO:

His halmoni said a lot of things, a lot, and she said them very quickly. Maybe if Nemo hadn’t already been emotional, he would have more clearly realized what she meant by unborn fledgling. Maybe if she spoke more calmly and more slowly, then he would not think she really just meant baby, that she meant him.

Or maybe if she didn’t say that one word, which immediately consumed any other thought.

Malformed.

That one word sunk into Nemo like razor-sharp talons.

Don’t overreact, Nemo thought almost instantly after that initial shock. Still, he sat almost unmoving as Halmoni kissed him on the cheek. He barely felt the affection in it. His whole chest was tight, and he swallowed, blinked, took a short breath into his nostrils.

It’s not like he hadn’t expected something like this.

Why would he be upset anyway? He didn’t like it when pixies condescended about his wing. He didn’t need his grandparents to call his wing beautiful or special the way that Appa did, so maybe this was better. But then-- he didn’t like pixies talking about it at all. It wasn’t their place to decide how Nemo should feel about it, so shut up, y’know? If you needed to make a comment (and why would you?), call it his right wing, or his small wing. But only Nemo got to call it lucky, if he felt like it. And only Nemo got to call it ugly, if he felt like it. Otherwise, keep his wing out of your big, stupid mouth.

Malformed felt especially cruel.

Maybe it was a translation error?

Don’t overreact, Nemo thought again. His grandparents were still kind-- just upset. They loved him, even if his wing was...his wing.

(Still, Nemo yearned more than ever for Appa. Appa, they said it was malformed, he wanted to cry, like he was a fledgling again tattling on all the mean comments the rest of the fledglings in his class said. They’re right. I’m malformed.)

Nemo swallowed. His smile returned, though it was tiny now. “Appa didn’t want me to lose touch with my culture,” he said dutifully. His eyes darted from Young-chul to Kyung-ok. “I...know why you’re mad at him and you deserve to be. But he wasn’t a bad appa to me-- for the most part. I want all of you to…” agh, what was the word? What did he want to say? His hands twitched on his lap. “It would be nice if we could all talk and...have a brand new start.” He finally said.

“That’s a good idea,” jumped in Soon-ja, and she sent a look at her parents. Nemo knew that look. He looked at Appa like that when he needed Appa to not totally freak out about something. And okay, maybe a fresh start would be difficult, but not impossible-- at least his aunt was on his side.

KYUNG-OK:

Kyung-ok frowned at Nam-min’s suggestion, barely biting back a scoff or a bitter laugh.

“I’m sorry Nam-min, but there is no fresh start for your father. We want to be in your life, not his.” Young-chul said.

“That’s right. Flower, your father— you have to understand. Not only did he take you from us, but he let our daughter down that day.” Kyung-ok said. “I can’t forgive the sparrowman that couldn’t save her and her child.”

“That was even more cruel than hiding you away. We love you, Nam-min. But we hate him.”

NEMO:

Nemo had grown up defending Appa. The instinct kicked in his gut, sharp and insistent. He meant what he’d said to his grandparents; he understood their anger. He understood if they could not forgive Appa for many things. Grief made people do many thorny and dark things to cope. Like Appa, trying to die in the river.

For his grandparents, they blamed Appa for their daughter's death. They shouldn’t. It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t right--

Nemo looked down, clenching his jaw as these protests swelled inside him.

“He did everything he could to save her,” Nemo said after a breath-- his voice solid, though he remained perfectly calm. “I know you can’t forgive him-- I won’t make you either. But he’s still my appa and he’s gonna be in my life,” he finally settled on. If they hated Nemo for that-- well…

He thought of Sindri and their conversation before all this. I think it’s better to try even if there is a small chance things could turn out not great, because the chance that something good will happen is there too. If you don’t try, you’ll always wonder and you’ll always be sad.

His hyung was right. Nemo just had to be himself, and it was up to his grandparents to accept him or not.

KYUNG-OK:

“Oh, Nam-min.” Kyung-ok sighed, petting his hair again. “There’s so much you don’t understand.”

Like how, like the selfish coward he was, Bae Mu-yeol tried to drown himself in the river rather than live with his failure. How he was a trashy bartender while their daughter was a scientist, and he clearly coasted on her coattails and took advantage of the comforts such a brilliant wife gave him.

(It was his hard work that provided So-yeon her education but Kyung-ok would never admit that.)

“We love you. But your father is not a good man. He tried to...he tried to commit suicide, Nam-min. He would have abandoned you. What fairy does— I’m sorry.” She stopped herself. “I realize I am letting my hatred for your father hijack this reunion. I just.”

She clapped a hand over Nemo’s. “You are a Song. You are your mother’s son. And we love you and miss you and want to give you the world. You deserve better, flower. Better than him. We want to be your family and I will tolerate your leech of a father’s existence but...do not ask me to make nice with him.”

NEMO:

Well, this explained why Appa took him away and told Nemo his grandparents were dead.

They’re as good as dead to me, he’d said when Nemo confronted him. How could Nemo ever forget? Those words had an echo that came back to him over and over.

His fingernails dug into his palms as he clenched them tighter. This war between Appa and the Songs had made Nemo so lonely, didn’t they see that? Appa should have never have kept Nemo from Eomma’s parents; and Eomma’s parents should not have driven away his appa, even if they had disapproved of their daughter’s choice.

Instead, they’d rather hate each other.

Nemo wanted to keep arguing-- but Halmoni clasped his hand and the urge grew much smaller and softer, easily blown away. You are your mother’s son, she said, and he wanted to cling to those words and to every memory of his eomma that his grandparents could give. We love you and miss you and want to give you the world. He clung to that too as if it were a safe place he could go, instead of the worry and pain and loneliness he endured for these last few weeks. He even forgave Halmoni for the insult to his wing. That wasn’t the Halmoni he wanted; he wanted this one, who was warm and who would protect him.

And even if this honesty was painful, at least that’s what it was: honesty. No lies or half-truths or flimsy excuses.

Maybe over time, too, Nemo could be a bridge that brought Appa and the Songs back together. He wouldn’t give up on that-- just...needed patience.

“Okay. Tolerance is good. I can work with tolerance,” Nemo said-- kind of meant it as a joke, didn’t know if his grandparents would laugh. “I just don’t want to lose any more family.”

KYUNG-OK:

“You have us, Nemo. You have your fast-flying family— well, and Soon-ja.” She cast a playful smile over at her daughter.

Kyung-ok kissed Nemo’s cheek again and looked at him with love just beaming at him from her eyes. She loved him. She did. Even if he wasn’t a perfect fast-flying child of her daughter to cling to, he was still So-yeon’s child.

“You have us.”

NEMO:

Yes, he had them-- a halmoni, a hal-abeoji, and an aunt, after sixteen years. Nemo beamed again and then wrapped his arms around his halmoni in another hug, squeezing her even tighter. His heart raced in the best of ways. It didn’t matter if they weren’t perfect-- Nemo wasn’t perfect. All that mattered was that they were his.

“Thank you, Halmoni!” he said. As he pulled away, he was blushing. “You’ll...you will come to my dance recital, right? My appa will be there but I want you there too.”

KYUNG-OK:

Without her permission, Kyung-ok’s smile grew wicked. A dance recital he said? Attended by Bae Mu-yeol? Oh, wasn’t that just glorious. She could show up in a fine but sensible dress purchased in England, make the parasite keenly aware of her presence and her permanence in his son’s life.

It would, in hindsight, be an occasion that would serve as a warning of what will have come next, but was yet to happen.

She cleared her throat before her daughter could latch onto the wheels turning in her head, and once again smiled sweetly at Nam-min.

“We wouldn’t miss it for the world. We don’t have to be back in Korea for two weeks, I made sure of that.”

#the baes go through some shit

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razorblade180 · 5 years

Text

Lasting Embers part 29: The Gift

The long awaited day is finally here; the day nobody wanted to come. The famous and secret heroes of Remnant finally close the distance to venture off to a threat bigger than any of them. Friends and family by their side not ready to say goodbye but have to nonetheless. All but one that is.....a young and broken girl who still sits against her door; not moving once through the entire night.

[Jaune’s house]

Yujin:......*looks at her window*

Sunlight breaking through the blinds...

Yujin:(It’s morning huh? Have I really been sitting here the entire night? Wonder what time it is? Maybe it’s already past ten and they’re gone.) *looks around* (where’s my scroll?)

She keeps swiveling her head to spot it until it’s painfully clear she has to stand up to look. Blood eventually flows back into her legs and she’s able to move. High and low she search’s for it until she spots it under the door crack.

Yujin:All that searching and it was right next to me. *opens door* I guess I really am slip-......

Yujin:*picks up a small box wrapped in white, yellow, and blue.*.......(Mom did say was leaving the gift here didn’t she? It feels light; maybe it’s a-......why should I care? Why...do I care?)

Her finger rubs the thin paper; surprisingly, it looks like it came from a professional. One thing is for sure, Yang spared no expense when it came to effort. It irritated her slightly to know that. The box was held and admired for a solid five minutes by now. Maybe it would’ve been less time but deciding if she should open it was difficult. What she was holding just might be the last thing she ever gets from her mother. No matter what it is or how she feels it was a truth she had to accept.

Yujin:(It might not be my birthday anymore but still....*undoing paper* it’s only right to open a gift.) Hmm?

Yujin:*lifts up a scroll and a journal*.........(no way they’re school supplies.) *open it*

“Hey Yujin it’s me your mother, but I guess that’s pretty obvious isn’t it? Sorry, writing was never my strongest skill set in school so this might get a little clumsy so to speak. If you’re reading this then I just want to say thank you; taking the time to look at this means the world to me. I also want to apologize for being a terrible mother....."

Yujin:.....

“No matter how I slice it, some of the words you said was true about me. Going off to fight these villains instead of trying to defend you while staying close does not sound or look good. Knowing Summer, she would’ve attempted to at least make it work. Unfortunately I’m not her; the only way I know how to protect you is like this. Fighting along side our family and friends; yeah I’m including Adam in that. Honestly I see some of grit in you and it’s pretty damn awesome. I see so much of everybody who’s got to raise you throughout the years when we interact. Jaune’s will, Mom’s poise, Dad’s heart, and even aspects from Ren and Nora. The only person I don’t really see is me; it stings if I’m being truthful. All you wanted was to get to know me and I’ve robbed you of that. I won’t make the same mistake again.”

Her heart nearly stopped as she turned the page. The left side was more of the message written to her. The right side on the other hand wasn’t a message at all; it was a table of contents. Birthdays, first fights, training, vacations, adventures, it was everything. In just under a week Yang Xiao Long had written about what seemed to be every major and memorable thing in her life. The story of her mother was currently in her hands.

“I know it’s no replacement for a face to face conversation but in this journal I’ve written numerous things about myself so you can know who I am. On the scroll you’ll fine videos of the events in the book; it’s named and put into chronological order thanks to your Aunt. You deserve to see me at my best and worst moments of my life; to know I’m not as glamorous as anybody might make me out to be. Learning about me though isn’t the only thing I wanted to share with you finally. Yujin I want to be able to push you forward in life; be a mother and help figure problems that might come you way. We didn’t get to do much together but if we did anything it was fight. The final chapters was everything I noticed in each one. Not only that but I’ve made a list of possible ways for your Semblance to be used. I hope it’s useful somehow.

Sure enough the list was there and detailed. The back of the book was filled with experimental new tricks that Yujin wouldn’t have began to dream off. Each one carfully described and some drawn for reference.

“I know it never seemed like I was there for you, but I’ve always been in your corner to cheer you on. Despite how you feel about me and whatever happens to me out there, know my love for you will never die. You’ll always be my little ember dragon.”

Yujin:....*starts searching through the scroll* First Day At Beacon? *hits play*

Yang:Yo this is Yang Xiao Long, future huntress extraordinaire. Making this little vlog on the airship because my dad is corny and wants memories. Not all bad though because *flips camera*

Ruby:*hides face* Don’t record me! I

Yang:My baby sister gets to join me! Isn’t she the cutest?

Yujin:(They look so young. I wonder if....) *fast forwards*

Yang:So that air ride could’ve gone better. Some guy ended up getting vomit on my shoe. He’s lucky it wasn’t my hair.

Yujin:(Yep...)

Ruby:Give him a break. Not like he wanted to do it.

Yang:Defending strangers huh? A model huntress already, or is puberty finally hitting you?

Ruby:Puberty has been here thank you very much! He is pretty cute though when his face didn’t look green.

Yang:Eh, not really my type. *video ends*

A small smile creeps onto her face that immediately changes to shock as she continues to searchl. Maybe it was out of instinct but her finger immediately kept scrolling until found it on the day of her birth. The file was named “Sundrop” The video opens with a very tired Jaune holding the camera and pointing it at an even more tired Yang.

Jaune:*whispering* Here we are at Vale General Hospital. It’s very late and we’re both very tired but it doesn’t matter. What matters is the little sundrop my amazing wife is holding.

Yang:*snickering* Sundrop? Not sure how I feel about that.

Jaune:It only makes sense the sunshine in my life gave birth to a smaller sunshine.

Yang:*cuddling her* As far as I’m concerned she shines brighter than me already. Just look at her, I can’t believe I’ve made something so perfect. From here on out it’s all about her from now on; forever and always. *smiles softly*

Yujin:.....*eyes watering*

Jaune:Uh oh, it’s been thirty minutes and Yang has officially lost her mind over this baby.

Yang:Our baby, and it’s been nine months and thirty minutes thank you very much. *kisses it’s forehead* Your daddy is acting like he’s not head over heels for you Yujin. Don’t worry though, as soon as he turns the camera off he’s gonna want to hold you and cry.

Jaune:Possibly.....*video ends*

Yujin:*wipes her eyes*(There’s......so much here. Six days and it’s so detailed. If this is about her life then what’s the last vid-)

“Homecoming”

Yujin:This date is....*presses play*

Ruby is recording her sister as she anxiously bounces her leg on the train ride home. You can tell het smile is filled with happiness and worry.

Ruby:Hello future me or whoever is watching this. You’re currently watching my big sister silently losing her mind as we finally head home from a.....I think eleven years of fighting evil. She’s so worked up that I don’t think she notices that the train seats are heating up and people are staring.

Yang:I’m what? *red* oh, sorry everyone! My bad.....

Ruby:*laughing* Please calm down. It would be a shame if you died of a heart attack before we made it home.

Yang:How can I be calm!? In a few more hours I’ll have Yujin in my arms again.

Ruby:You know she’s not four anymore right?

Yang:I know that, I can still hug her. Hehe I wonder how big she’s gotten, if she’s made friends, *gasp!* maybe even a boyfriend!?

Ruby:Calm down there dork. You’ll see her soon.

Yang:Hopefully she’ll recognize me; hopefully I recognize her. My four year old is fifteen today. *tearing up* God it’s been such a long time. Soon things will be calm; finally I can spend the rest of my life with her. She’s probably absolutely stunning by now. *smiles*

Ruby:Geez you’re about to smother Yujin, I can already tell. Hopefully she’s not in an angsty teen phase.

Yang:Even if she is I’m still gonna smother her! Things are looking up! *video ends*

She didn’t bother to play another video after that. Instead she decided to just stare at the screen as the journal in her hand got gripped tightly. Soon after, the screen became blurry to her; tears kept finding new ways to sneak their way out of her. This time though it was different than the rest. Anger, frustration, and sadness was what kept her down before; now it was the feeling that bothered her all week. For seven days and seven nights she’s done nothing but push out someone who’s been desperately trying to reach her just like how she wanted to reach out to them. The only difference is Yang never stopped trying to reach out for her. Yujin knew exactly what this feeling was and it was about to eat her alive. Guilt and Regret we’re going to ruin any memory she has of her mother, unless......

Yujin:*looks at the scroll*

“8:45 am”

Yujin:*rushing down stairs* Please tell me took grandpa’s car. Please tell me- *looks in garage*

Sure enough, her car was there and ready for use.

Yujin:*wipes her face* Okay..... I can do this.....

[Train Station]

Vale’s train station is one of the remaining architectural works that survived The Fall of Beacon. From here it’s the jumping off point to the rest of Remnant. This feeling is echoed by the fact that even though it’s called a station, there isn’t a real building. A massive slap of concrete with a umbrellas for shade is mostly what is here besides the ticket punchers with their small booths. It’s old fashioned but it works; people come and go from here often. Unfortunately Yang and Ruby didn’t think they’d be here so soon again; at least it’s a beautiful day out. Warm weather and a gentle breeze that blows through the rolling hills behind the rails gives off a sense ease.

Yang:Ruby can I tell you something?

Ruby:You can tell me anything.

Yang:This just might be the worse day of my entire life.

Ruby:Definitely top ten.

Yang:At least I have you though.

Ruby:Always....*grabs her hand*

Raven:You haven’t always had me but I’m definitely here for you! *smiles*

Yang:*snorts* Never doubted it for a moment. I wonder if everyone is still going to show up?

Weiss:What, you think we would “snowflake?”

Yang:Weiss get seri- oh hey you’re here. Wait, did you just make a pun!?

Neo:*walks up* She’s been waiting to say that for a week.

Ruby:Oh hey! I didn’t think you were gonna decide to come.

Neo:Nah I’m not coming; I’m not leaving the Arcs like that. They have good food; I’m just here to see Weiss off. *grabs her hand*

Weiss:*blushing*.......

Ruby and Yang:!!??

Weiss:It’s been an interesting week.

Ruby and Yang:I’ll say....

Tai:*looks at Jaune*......

Jaune:In my defense it wasn’t my idea. Also what were you and Raven doing for a week?

Tai:I can’t tell if you’re more like me or if Yang is more like me. Either way I guess I shouldn’t complain. I’m glad you’ve been someone they could always depend on. I couldn’t ask for a better son-in-law.

Jaune: That means a lot; think they’ll be okay.

Tai:Are you kidding? No one stops our family as long as they’re together.

Adam:Believe me, challenging them alone is a struggle in its own right.

Everyone:Turns to see Adam clothes similar to his days robbing trains. The only difference is the flower symbol is missing and a cloak is over it. His eyes are hidden by shades and even his hair is dyed black. The rest of the family, along with Ilia, and Blake walk behind him.

Yang:Okay so I have two major questions. One, why dye the hair when it’s already long and laid down.

Adam:Just in case.

Yang:Second, I learned you have my sister’s number for years. Why exactly?

Adam:*pulls out cross necklace* rose’s recognize other rose’s

Yang:*looks at Ruby*

Ruby:*holding a cross necklace* It’s a story for another time; maybe on the train ride sis.

Yang:I literally can’t with you all.

Jael:She’s not what I quite expected. What do you think Sien-

Sienna:Uh..excuse me? M...Mrs. Xiao Long?

Yang:Hmm? Well hello there, need something?

Sienna:*ears down* I’m not sure if you remember me but we’ve met before. You actually helped save my life when I was six. I bit your hand?

Yang:......*rubs her ears* Of course I remember you silly. How’ve you been? You’ve grown like a weed. *smiles*

Sienna:*wide eyed* Good! I’ve been really good! You may know or not but I have a sister now. *steps aside*

Jael:.....

Yang:Hey there *crouches* I’ve heard a bit about you. Adam makes cute kids I see.

Jael:Th...thanks. I’ve heard much about you; also your daughter.

There was a sort of coldness in her voice that everyone felt. Her absence was noticeably missed and it took Yang by surprise for her to mention it. Jael didn’t look worried though; she looked eager. Almost like she’s got an itch that desperately needs to be scratch.

Yang:Unfortunately she’s not here. Things for her are rough with all this going on.

Jael:She didn’t want to see you off?

............

Yang:*frowns* No, she didn’t.

Jael:Oh, sorry to hear that. Excuse me but I need a moment. *quickly walks off*

Jacquelyn:uhhh I’m just gonna...yeah. *follows her*

As Jael walks away Tenzen and company pass by her. No glances were exchanged but there wasn’t a need for any.

Tenzen:*stops walking*.......*turns around*

Ren:Everything okay?

Tenzen:Yeah.....just got a chill or something. I didn’t like it. *continues walking*

Jacquelyn:Hey Jael are you-

Jael:She doesn’t even show up to see her family off, is obviously angry with her mom about it, gotten our family roped into it by accident or not. I’m beginning to think I don’t have to actually meet this person before I form my opinion like you guys want.

Jacquelyn:......You hate her don’t you? Even after what your father told you.

Jael:He’s leaving to help protect me but I’m not dumb enough to believe not a piece of it is for her. Just thinking about how someone so loved and blessed with opportunity can be so....so.... *clenches her chest* yeah, I hate her.

Jacquelyn:*slightly opens up her kimono* look at this for me.

Jael:*staring at a scar below her ribs* A scar? How long have you had that?

Jacquelyn:Years, your father gave it to me on accident.

Jael:Wh....what? Why would he.....I thought.... he loves you.

Jacquelyn:Yeah, but you gotta remember the dad you see wasn’t how he used to be. A long time ago hate ruled his life. One time when our Oasis was still being built people came and destroyed everything. They didn’t know who we were, just low lives causing pain. Any time we relocated either grimm got the better of the place or them. We were tired and hungry; him especially. So when they came back again your father was ready to kill them despite my wishes.

Jael:You wouldn’t let him fight?

Jacquelyn:It was a delicate time for him. I was afraid any back pedaling would ruin any progress already made. There were times I fought them but more and more kept coming. Eventually Adam finally lashed out and it did actually scare them away; it wasn’t enough for him though. While one was running away Adam sent a moonslice at him; I jumped in front of it....

Jael:You what!?

Jacquelyn:I wasn’t thinking. All I knew was I was scared of this one incident turning into something worse. That night is still a bit of a blur; I remember an intense pain and then just laying on the sand bleeding. When I woke your father was over right over me crying. It might’ve been the first time I saw him scared and genuinely apologetic. He promised me that night things were going to be different; he’d try harder to do the right thing.

Jael:.......*looks away*

Jacquelyn:Hate and anger are dangerous. You might just get you or someone you care about hurt if it goes unchecked. You have the disadvantage of it most likely being both. Hating this girl is fine for now but don’t let it linger. Let it fade away with time. *holds her close*

Jael:Did dad’s hate fade away?

Jacquelyn:Sort of; he stopped focusing on the hate left by his past and found a way to fill it with love. Sienna eased his mind but I think you really filled it with the love he needed to have. *smiles* You saved him, not me.

Jael:.....I’m gonna just stand here for a moment okay? I’ll come back over when the train arrives.

Jacquelyn:Take the time you need. *kisses her cheek and leaves*

Adam:She okay?

Jacquelyn:Yeah, just processing everything. Sorry about that Yang.

Yang:It’s no problem. I should be the one apologizing; can’t help but feel like it’s my fault a bit. If I knew about her sooner then-

Adam:Geez, apologizing to me feels weird. Just watch my back when things get heavy. *smirks* I’ll watch your arm.

Everyone:.........

Yang:......*rubs nose*

Adam:........*smacks lips*

Both of them end up in a fit of laughter suddenly. To everyone’s surprise they even fist bump and causes everyone else to slowly begin to laugh as well. To any stranger you would think everyone here were old friends since birth. Only they would know the truth about the effort it took to get there. Even Jael admired the sight.

Jael:(Is this what happens when hate heals? If dad could do it then there’s hope for me. I just need time right?)

“9:45 train to north western Anima arrived. 10:00 train to Vacou will arrive soon.”

Ren:Well...that’s me. Time to get healed.

Mercury:We’ll miss you guys.

Emerald:Don’t you dare get lazy out there. We want to meet up with all of you.

Nora:Hopefully we’ll be done before you guys are. Don’t rush your healing for me ok?

Ren:As long as you don’t rush so I don’t have to join. *kisses her* Tenzen?

Tenzen:Yeah?

Ren:Be ready for me to out dance you when I get back. *winks*

Tenzen:*smiles* I accept your challenge! I’ll show the student has surpassed the teacher.

The unlikely trio gets on the train as they wave goodbye. Even with a nice goodbye however, hearts start to get heavy. No turning back now.

Nora:You okay Tenzen?

Tenzen:I’m okay *takes a breath* being here hurts more than I thought to see him go.

“10:00 train to Vacou arrived”

Tenzen:Now I gotta watch you.

Blake:Already!? It’s ahead of schedule.

Nora:*hugs him tightly* No matter what happens, never lose that smile of yours. Light up people’s world and live happily.

Tenzen:Bright and sudden like a lightning bolt; I promise.

Adam:Neo, you’re second in command. I know you and Ilia can handle things.

Weiss:Hey, you got that promotion you wanted.

Neo:By default but I’ll take it. You leave the organization in good hands.

Ilia:I’ll watch her....

Blake:Same....

Frost family:*stares at him*

Adam:*opens his arms* Don’t just stand there you three.

Frost family:*hugs him* Be safe, we love you.

Tai:Will you miss me this time?

Raven:I missed you last time. *kisses him* Don’t worry, I’ll be back in your arms before you know it.

Jaune:*hugging Ruby and Yang* It was seeing you two again*

Ruby:Next time it’ll be for good. You have my word. My house still needs to be rebuilt. I’ll give you two a moment. *dashes off*

Yang:.....I really wanted to wear that wedding ring longer.

Jaune:Next time you will. Until then...*tears up* it’ll be waiting for you just like me. Anything you want me to tell Yujin?

Yang:I don’t know if there’s anything more for me to say. If she never forgives me then......hehe *covers her face* damn it, please let her forgive me. *weeping* I don’t think I can live knowing she won’t!

She breaks down and drops to her knees; not caring who sees. The sight of it is almost too much for Jaune to take as she helps her back on her feet and guides her to the train door. From there Ruby takes her and everyone on it stares back at their family as the doors finally close. The whistle finally blows to solidify the journey, then it starts to move. Slowly at first but surly getting faster. Every so, everybody just keeps staring as the distance grows. The moment nobody wanted is here; the moment of uncertainty.

“STOP THE TRAIN!!!!”

Yang’s head jerked up in shocked. That shout was extremely close; too close to be possible. The train was moving near high speed by now. Already the station looked like a speck to them, but she definitely knew what she heard.

Yang:Please tell me someone else heard that?

Nora*halfway out a window* This is something you might want to see Yang.

Yang:*looks* Y....Yujin!?

Several feet behind them was none other than her daughter driving right beside the train at full speed. She glances over at her mother with an awkward smile and wave.

Yang:YUJIN!?

Adam:Never a dull moment.

Ruby:How’d she gey the mustang off of Patch?

Yujin:Tell the conductor to stop! I’m almost out of ga- *car slowing down* damnit.....!

Yang:Shit! Uhhh is there an emergency break or.... Oh! Make a portal mom!

Raven:That car is still moving way too fast. Last thing we need is mustang flying in here. If she got out the car then-

Nora:Would a boy flying through here be a problem? *smiling*

Once again they look out the window but the mustang is empty. A trail of orange lightning can be seen barely keeping up with the caboose of the train.

Raven:*grabs sword* I’ll try...

Yang:*walks to the back.*

Yujin:Whenever I need help you never hesitate.

Tenzen:*carrying her* By now you should know I have your back; even if your ideas are completely insane.

Yujin:*stretching*If I can just reach the back....I almost..... *grabs it* Ha!

Tenzen:*tosses her up* Good luck!

Yujin:Huh? Take my hand!

Tenzen:Nah, this is your goodbye. Tell my mom she doesn’t have to worry about me. *stops running*

She can see him wave as the distance increases. Her heart starts to race as her palms get sweaty. Only thing standing in her way now is a few doors. All she has to do is open it.

Yujin:*grabs handle* Here goes noth-

Yang:*Opens door*..........

Yujin:....Have you been crying? Your eyes are puffy.

Yang:Your eyes are puffy too......

Yujin:It’s been a rough morning. *pulls out journal* I guess you were wrong about me not getting anything from you; we cry the same. *shaking* You were also wrong about you being a terrible mom. I’m a sorry excuse for a daughter.

Yang:Yujin I-

Yujin:No, I need to get this off my chest. I...*sniff* I punched you in the face, screamed and shunned you. I said I didn’t care if you came back alive. *crying* How could I say that to you!? I am so, so sorry mom. I am ashamed and disgusted with myself for what I did. All you did was try your best to be around ever since you came back and I-

Before she could chastise herself further, Yang reached out and pulled her in close. Whatever Yujin was going to say turned into pure noise as she began to wailing into her mother’s shirt. All Yang could do his hold her tighter she started to cry again too.

Yujin:I can’t believe I wasted the entire week being upset; now I don’t know when I’ll see you again.

Yang:It’s alright, this moment right is enough. It’s more than enough. *lets go* I want you to know that I’m not mad at you in the slightest you got that? Life has a way of bringing people together when it matters most; I’ll come back to you and your father I swear. *wiping Yujin’s tears*

Yujin:We’ll be waiting for you; no matter how long it takes. Mom I...I love you, even when I thought I didn’t. Being your daughter is something I’ll never regret.

Yang:I love you too and I’m so proud of you as well. You’re growing up just fine. *smiles* Promise me something; promise me that you’ll continue to be the best version of yourself you can be and show everyone at Beacon what you’re made of.

Yujin:*smiles* Ha, with this journal I’ll make sure everyone knows what a Xiao Long can do.

Raven:*walks in with everyone, including Tenzen* Sorry to cut this short but people are starting to see we have stowaways.

Yujin:How’d you get on Tenzen?

Tenzen:*winded* We overshot a portal your grandma made. Please don’t make me run that fast again.

Nora:At least you got to see me one more time. *hugs him*

Raven:*makes a portal* this leads right to Jaune. Stay safe kiddos.

Yujin and Tenzen:See you later everyone!

Everyone:See you when we see you.

Tenzen:*jumps through portal*

Yujin:Later “Hunter extraordinaire.”

Yang:Later Sundrop.....

As she walks up to the portal, Yujin stops for a moment and turns back around. Without warning she swaps her blue bandanna with Yang’s purple one.

Yujin:For luck, better have it when you get back. *jumps through portal*

Jaune:*waiting*

Yang:*smiling* Deal.....

Yujin:*hops out* Hey dad! Saw mom and I sort of lost the car in a ditch. Sorry for not telling y- *gets hugged*

Jaune:You’re such a handful you know that?

Yang:I think it’s genetics. Can we go home now? I’m super exhausted.

Tenzen:At this rate you’ll be spent before the exams begin.

Yujin:About that, *looks at journal* I think I’m gonna hold off on those until next year. I got some reading to do.

Sienna:*ears twitching* You hear that?

Jael:As clear as day.

Sienna:Guess that means you’ll be a year ahead.

Jael:Nah, *holds chest* I think....I want a breather and spend time at home a bit longer. Is that okay?

Jacquelyn:When would I say no to spending more time with my kids? So, you gonna say hi to her?

The idea was enticing and not a bad one. Before she agreeded to it though her eyes glanced back over at Yujin; specifically what was around her neck. A pendent in the shape of a sun. Not much different than the star pendant Adam gave her as a late birthday present during the festival. The only reason was it was late was because during her actual birthday he was already off to check in on Yujin like usual. But why would he give her one too? Unless both of them have close or the same-

Jael:.....*walks away* I’ll pass, not up to it. Maybe next time.

Jacquelyn:Oh uhhh okay? Let’s get going then.

Jael:Fine by me; not a fan of this place anyways.

Yujin:Hmm? Is that Adam’s family? Maybe I should say- *tugged away by Tenzen* hey! What ar you doing?

Tenzen:You smell like you haven’t showered in in a day, you’re in a tank top and pj pants with no shoes, and they probably need time to themselves. Not the best time for first impressions. Go home dork; I’ll call you later.

Yujin:You have a point I guess. Thanks for everything Tenzen; you are a real life saver.

Tai wraps his arm around the girl and walk off with Jaune. Neo finally decides to make her leave with Ilia and Blake as they discuss their next move. Tenzen however takes a minute just to stare at this mysterious girl with goat horns as she continues to walk away. He couldn’t put his finger on it but there was something about her aura that was just.....intense.

Tenzen: “A life saver” huh? I hope it wasn’t that serious. *walks home*

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runathepianist · 4 years

Text

A Quick Checklist on Self Exploration

Hello everyone! Today I’m going to write down some of a quick checklist of my own self exploration based on question provided by ELE on this twitter link! (https://twitter.com/xlittle_ele/status/1275847156629475328)

I will write things here in order not to spam your Twitter Timeline too much.

1. First of all, introduce yourself! What’s your name? My name is Runa. People usually call me by that name, but some others call me Ruru, Na-chan, some call me by the name of Xiao Wei and some other more.

2. Where are you from? From this universe; specifically, my mother’s womb.

3. Do you have any hobbies? If so, which one? I have plenty of things that I could call as my hobbies. I do music, specifically piano, but lately I’m trying out some other instrument as well, like kalimba/ ukulele. I like to write stories/ letters to friends/ daily journal, I like to re-arranged my room when I got the mood and time to do it, I love to watch some movies/ series and read stories/ manga as well.

4. If you could travel anywhere in the world, where will you go? Hhm...Lemme see...I think I would love to go to Tasmania. I personally loves to go to those minor places that people are not really put an eye to. Rather than going to those mainstream places. Partially, I want to go to Tasmania ever since I watch a Singapore drama series [Sudden] and part of the scenery in that series was taken at Tasmania. It makes me want to go there and visit the real place someday.

5. Do you believe in love at the first sight? Hmm...Not really, actually. Maybe because I’m a person who usually fall in love after I have interacted with the person for quite some time. Maybe because I rarely deeply attracted with how someone’s physical looks, but more into the personality they have within them.

6. What’s your favourite song at the moment? If you don’t have one, what’s the last song you listened to? I’m listening to quite a lot of Hiroyuki Sawano’s composed OST songs these days lately and also currently re-listen to Rachmaninoff piano concerto in C minor.

7. What’s your favourite food? A lot (?) But mostly I love those salty food rather than sweet stuffs.

8. What’s the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning? It is either I’m trying to remember about the dream I dream of last night, or I feel grateful that I’m still be able to stay alive today. Sometimes, I could think of some random stuffs that suddenly struck me when I’m awake in the morning.

9. Do you believe in soulmates? Not really, but I believe that people are attracting people with the same/ similar frequencies with them, so if I want to see how my future soulmates is, I just need to mirror on myself and see how I’m living my life so far and how’s my true personality is.

10. What do you want to become in the future? A wonderful lady artist (musician) for myself, wife for my husband and an awesome mother of two or three.

11. What’s your favorite book? Kate DiCamillo’s The miraculous journey of Edward Tulane All poetry books by Lang Leav Le petite prince - Antoine de Saint-Exupery Steal like an artist - Austin Kleon

12. Favorite Season? Hmm...Spring time?

13. What’s the best memory you have with your friends? Hmm..Actually I couldn’t really recall any. Maybe there was, but I’m a forgetful person, really.

14. What’s your biggest dream? To have a peaceful and healthy (both physically and mentally) life with my beloved family and dearest people. 15. If you could change one thing about yourself, what it’ll be? I wonder...Maybe my cowardness?

16. What’s your favorite movie? Hmm...There are a lot too, but lemme spell out some that I could still remember the title. It’s kinda hard to name, since I’m usually more into series than movie. The Devil wears prada, Up in the air, Habibie & Ainun, Yes Man, How to train your dragon 1 & 2, Finding Mr. Right.

17. Do you have a crush on someone? Hmm...I currently have a fiance. Does this count as one?

18. If you knew you were gonna die tomorrow, what will you do? Write a letter and prepare parting gift for everyone. Have a good talk and convey everything that I would love to tell to my beloved dearest people surround me.

19. Do you feel proud of yourself? Yes I do

20. What do you think is your safe place? Y’know, that place/ thing that helps you feel better when you need it the most? Bathroom, because it gives you privacy though you are surrounded by people. I mean, it’s rare to see other people following you into bathroom right? So the sense of personal space is there in the bathroom. At least, for me personally.

21. Do you believe in ghosts? I believe it exist in terms of frequencies. This universe is filled by various frequencies and they are unseen, but you could sometimes feel it. That’s how I define feelings, and ghosts.

22. Do you miss someone? I miss myself, sometimes, and some people that have passed away, sometimes.

23. Do you have any pets? What are their names? I used to have hedgehogs, but I don’t have any with me now after their death.

24. Are you a night person or a morning one? I could say I’m a night owl. Morning doesn’t really work well for me.

25. Are you part of the LGBT community? Nope, but I’m okay with being friend with people who are part of the LGBT community.

26. What’s your favorite video game? Hmm...Those old games, like Fatal Frame series, La pucelle, phantom brave, disgaea, some otome games like amnesia series/ hakuoki.

27. What’s the reason you wake up every morning? Life goes on, so yeah.

28. Do you look up to someone? Hmm...it’s a yes and a no.

29. What’s something you’ve wanted to try for a while, but haven’t done it yet? Go somewhere far away, enjoy tranquility and the nature, alone.

30. What’s the meaning of life for you? It’s an endless journey of finding oneself and spreading positivity and love to people surround us.

31. Do you play any instruments? I play mostly piano and those instruments within the same family like keyboard, electone, pianika, etc. Side: I tried ukulele, kalimba, recorder, etc.

32. What’s the most annoying thing you had to deal with? The battle within myself, How to deal with the society surrounds me.

33. How would you define “art”? Wabisabi - the beauty in imperfection.

34. Do you think you’re a different person now because of quarantine and everything that happened in the world? Not really, but I do find out how lazy I actually am after this quarantine. How I am really a jak-of-all-trades; well, it just some self-exploration, but to say that I’m a different person now? Nah, no! I’m still me.

35. Name one thing you hate that others love? Those material related stuffs.

36. What do you think that happens after we die? My soul with emerge with this universe and my physical body will blend into one to the soil. I will become frequencies and when the right moment comes, I will be born again in this universe in a different form.

37. Do you have any regrets? I do, but I don’t want to dwell into things in the past too much as there is no way we could change the past, but I’m striving to change now to change the future instead.

38. Love or being loved? Being loved is awesome.

39. What’s the best advice someone has ever given to you? Marriage is not about love, because love won’t last for years, but please keep enhancing yourself to be the best version of yourself and never forget to build consciousness within yourself. Based on that, you support each other, appreciate each other and trust each other as couple. (Advice given by Nichiren Daishonin Buddha to his disciple, Shijo Kingo)

I really like this a lot when I stumble on this, and apparently it’s one of advice that I took dearly within my heart until now as a guidance.

40. What are you afraid of? When I make my family upset/ something bad happen to them

41. Describe yourself in 5 words Simplicated Jack of all trades

42. How’s your relationship with your parents/ siblings? Very good. We never really have any toxic relationship with each other though of course we are all not perfect and there are things that we should work on for each of us.

43. Would you rather live in a big city or in a small town? Hmm...A small town that is able to travel to a big city for a travel distance less than an hour by train. I miss my time spent when I was in Diemen. It was a nice small city near Amsterdam.

44. Have you ever been on a relationship? Yes

45. What’s the happiest memory that comes to your mind right now? I’m actually pretty sleepy and zombie mode right now, so I couldn’t think off any specific moment, but I think most of moments in my life is a bit bitter with lots of sweetness on it, so yeah! Those moments spent with my family are the best.

46. Do you easily trust others? Nope. I usually have minus trust with other people other than my own core family. Even I couldn’t trust my extended family too much.

47. Have you ever dyed your hair? Nope, but I usually try some wigs instead.

48. What’s the first thing you notice when you meet someone new? Of course, it’s physical appearance (though I should say I don’t put much attention on physical thing) since it’s the first thing that we could see with bare eyes.

49. If you could only listen to one album for the rest of your life, which one it’ll be? I’ll just pick one from KOKIA album. I love her so much. Any album could do, but maybe I’ll choose the best collection album since it contains more songs there LMAO

50. Tag someone to remind them how much you love and care about them... Hmm..I will tag my sister perhaps XD The other family members of mine don’t have twitter.

51. What was your favourite toy when you were a kid? Dolls? I forgot. ahahaha.

52. What’s your biggest pet peeve? When people in society only judge people based on material possession they have rather than by their hearts. It annoys me so much when I encounter one.

53. If you could change one thing in the world to make it a better place, what will you do? I don’t have any idea right now. Writer’s block.

54. Have you ever got involved with drugs/ alcohol? Nope. Never.

55. What do you think is your aesthetic? Hmm... All of me?

56. Do you enjoy traveling? Yes, but sometimes not really since traveling is tiring, but it’s good to see a different scenery once in a while.

57. What’s your favorite show? Hmm...I don’t really have one maybe? Is anime consider as show? I don’t think so huh.

58. Are you into witchcraft? Nope.

59. What would be your ideal gift? Hmm...I never really have any specific desire in life, but usually I love letterset/ notebook/ fluffy stuffs/ tea/ coffee/ any aesthetic/ vintage stuffs around. I usually treasure more intangible things than tangible one, so yea.

60. Do you think you’re a good person? It depends on how you define a good person is.

61. Are you more of an introvert or an extrovert? I’m introvert.

62. Have you ever gone to a concert? Yes, I did. Some classical concert and Kingdom Heart orchestra tour concert.

63. How will your ideal first date be? When there is no drama occurs and compatibility is there, ah, with good food and tea as well.

64. Do you think there’s life in others planets? Mayhap. Why not? I’m open to any possibilities.

65. What do you do when you feel sad? I play/ listen to music, watch something, write something, take a good shower with favorite scented soap.

66. If you could travel back in time to another century, which one will you pick? Hmm....The year where I’m born.

67. Do you often remember your dreams? Yes, I do!

68. Name one thing you hate about your country I don’t really have one.

69. If you won the lottery, what will you do with all the money? I’ll buy a house for myself (and my future family) and another one to build a public library/ an orphanage.

70. Any guilty pleasure? Quite a lot, actually.

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vincent-frankenstein · 4 years

Note

different anon, but heck yeah u should definitely infodump about lucid dreaming!! im really interested in it

aaaaa okay !!! uh hold onto ur ears yall im abt to talk em off lmao

so !! if u didnt know, lucid dreaming is basically when you become aware that you’re dreaming while youre in a dream. once you’re aware, you can take control of the dream in literally any way u want — u can do anything, go anywhere, meet anyone, all with the knowledge that nothing can hurt u and nothing can stop u

its a fascinating concept and, the feeling when u actually become lucid for the first time? its better than anything else in the world. its the most invigorating thing u can ever feel, i think. but actually becoming lucid is, ,, , , hm. a time and a half.

putting the rest under a cut bc, hooooo boy this is gonna get long

first things first! you absolutely have to keep a dream journal. forgetting ur dreams is all well and good when ur not trying to accomplish anything in them, but if you become lucid and then wake up with only the vaguest memory of what you actually did? thats painful.

u can either go all out and get a fancy journal and write them down physically each morning, or u can do what i do and just download an app. i personally use the app Dream Catcher, which lets u tag ur dreams for easy organization. just get in the habit of writing down your dreams every morning, and if you really, really cant remember anything, just write down that you didnt dream anything that day. you’ll train your brain to remember your dreams better

secondly! reality checks! are absolutely imperative! the idea behind them is that, if you do something throughout the day that “proves” your reality, eventually you’ll start doing it in your dreams as well. for example, a common thing in my dreams is that i’ll have extra fingers, so i check my hands a lot throughout the day.

it can’t just be a casual thing, too. if all you do is glance at your hands and b like “yo looks normal, we gucci”, then you’ll do the same in your dreams even if you have Weird hands. trust me, Dream-You is an idiot, you gotta be obvious with this stuff. take a few moments, look at your hands, count out your fingers, and really think to yourself “am i dreaming?”

try to get in the habit of doing that at least 15 times a day, and eventually you’ll start doing it in your dreams too.

now, if you just stick with doing those two things — which is what i’m doing right now — your chances of becoming lucid will raise astronomically. even just those two tiny things can train your brain into realizing when the world around you is real and when it isnt. you can also attempt something really easy called a MILD — a mnemonic-induced-lucid-dream — which can help your chances even more without upping the effort

whenever you go to bed, just take a few moments — even just five minutes can help — and just. lay there. and think to urself, again and again “the next scene will be a dream” or “i will become lucid in my dreams tonight” or something similar. get ur brain really focused on lucid dreaming right before you fall asleep and chances are, those Vibes will bleed over into ur dreams and you’ll become lucid

practice those three things consistently, every day, and pretty soon you’ll start becoming lucid. it takes time, though! dont be discouraged if you end up not becoming lucid for the first few weeks, or even months. sometimes your brain just needs a bit of extra training

that’s what ive been doing for the past year or so — bc damn do i Not have the energy to actually put in too much effort — but!!! there are other techniques!!

my personal favorite is the WBTB, or wake-back-to-bed method. with this technique, you set your alarm for roughly 5-6 hours after you go to sleep so you’ll wake up inside of one of your REM cycles, specifically one where your dreams will be the most vivid. dont do anything, just roll over and go right back to sleep.

you can even use a MILD along with this, repeat whatever mantra u usually use as you fall back asleep. you should start to see hypnagogic imagery — blobs of color and vague shapes floating before your eyes. just observe them. at one point, they’ll start forming more familiar shapes, and places, and maybe even people — and there should be a moment, a snap, where you go from observing these images to actually being in the scene. you literally build the dream around yourself, its magical

i have read that WBTB can cause sleep paralysis, but i’ve never personally experienced any problems with it, aside from the fact that im always tired the next day.

another thing that could severely increase your chances of being lucid but also involves Effort — meditation. specifically mindfulness meditation. the act of bringing full awareness to your Existence, honing in on just Your body, Your mind, Your breath, will make you a more aware, mindful person, which in turn makes you more perceptive of dream signs. also, the ability to clear your mind and center yourself with a moment’s notice really comes in handy when the dream becomes destabilized and you have to take control

if ur an adhd lad like me — or neurodivergent in any way, really — the idea of meditation can be,,,, terrifying. honestly, i havent meditated in like six months now, because it really wasnt?? doing anything for me?? mostly because im absolutely incapable of sitting still for that long without Something to stimulate me

so! loophole! guided meditations. having someone else guide you through the process can make it a bit easier to focus. just find one that works for u on youtube. there are even guided meditations made specifically to prime ur brain for lucid dreaming!

so thats how you get lucid. now for when youre lucid

at first, lucid dreaming is going to be extremely hard. dreams fall apart very easily — if you get too overexcited or if a dream-character looks at you the wrong way or if you cant seem to do what you want to do, your lucidity can fade and you’ll either go back to being your normal dream self or you’ll wake up. dreams are volatile and hard to control, and even harder to master

thats where meditation comes in handy. youll have a much easier time controlling your dreams if you can look at the world around you, take a breath, center yourself, and know that you can control it. that being said, you can absolutely learn to take control without ever having meditated a day in your life. its all about your mindset!

you have to go into it with confidence. the key to controlling your dreams is knowing that they’re your dreams. you cant forget that you’re in control. thats why i feel like learning to lucid dream doubles as a lesson in self-confidence — you have to learn to trust yourself, trust that you can handle any scenario thrown at you and come out on top.

if you can achieve this mindset, you can literally do anything. ive had maybe 50 lucid dreams since i started learning about them — which… is honestly a really low amount, but. i havent really had the time/energy to really throw myself into it as much as i want to. but just in those dreams, ive flown, ive shapeshifted, ive met my sides, ive teleported to vast, gorgeous lands and seen some of the most beautiful things ive ever seen. anything is possible in a lucid dream; thats why its so worth it to put in the effort

but when youre first starting out, itll be extremely hard to maintain that mindset. like i said, Dream-you is dumb as shit — you’ll forget youre dreaming, you’ll be unable to control anything, you’ll wake up before you manage to accomplish anything. more often than not, the dream will destabilize, which is Not Fun

if the dream starts to destabilize — basically, if things start going fuzzy or vague, if you suddenly cant see, if you can feel ur body in bed, basically anything that points towards you waking up — there are ways to fix it. literally just spinning around helps for some reason? spin around, fall down, run ur hands along anything u can find and feel the texture, or just demand that the dream stabilize itself. most of the time, thatll work

and if it doesnt, dont be discouraged. theres always another night to dream

so basically: start a dream journal, do reality checks, mmmmaybe meditate if youre up for it, and your dreams will become like. at least 10x more interesting. trust me, try flying: its literally the best feeling in the entire world

its just !!! such a huge, incredible thing, and its so fascinating to learn about too. all the different ways you can train your brain, all the different things you can do, all the studies done on the subject. i suggest reading about Steven LaBerge or keith hearne. hearne led the study that proved lucid dreaming existed in the first place! he got a lucid dreamer to signal to him that he was conscious while asleep using REM (rapid-eye movement), because lucid dreaming happens during the REM state. also, robert waggoner’s book Gateway to the Inner Self is really fascinating too!

hm wow i really went ham here lmao

thanku for giving me a chance to infodump im very happy rn

#me: /spends a full half-hour infodumping abt something most people havent even heard of/#now if only i could remember this much when it comes to schoolwork lmaooooo #ty for the Infodump Permission im !! vibin rn #lowkey highkey this makes me wanna get back into it. . . might do a wbtb tonight...#personal #logan talks #lucid dreaming #Anonymous

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purplesurveys · 4 years

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874

What's something you couldn't live without, other than the obvious? It’d be very hard to have to get by without my glasses. I’d technically survive, but I’ll have to get used to bumping into things a lot and never recognizing anyone unless they’re right beside/in front of me. What's something that will always cheer you up? Dogs. Real life dogs, photos of dogs, videos of dogs, stories about dogs, etc. Who's had the biggest positive impact on your life? My orgmates. They made me happy when I needed it the most, called me out when I needed the help, and idk I’m just happy whenever I get to see them. I can’t recall a time where I felt like it was a chore to spend some time with them. Do you wear flip-flops during the winter? Sigh...moving on... What was the last thing you said out loud? I asked Nina to help me bring Cooper and his stuff up to my parents’ room; specifically, I asked her to bring his food and water bowls.

What's something that irritates you to no end? Backhand compliments. An uncle once congratulated me for getting into my dream school but ended his sentence with “are you sure you don’t wanna go to [2nd top university in the country, (which I also passed the day before)]? You’ll fit better there.” This was like two days after I found out I got into UP, so I was still on cloud nine. I don’t know how my face contorted after that but I wasn’t pleased.

Honestly, do looks matter to you? Yes, but not as much as personality and intelligence. When was the last time you had a girls/guys night out? Not sure. I just have nights out in general; I never plan out gender-exclusive hangouts with my friends. Do you still watch kiddie movies/tv shows? Sometimes, when I get in the mood to. It’s not something I feel the need to do regularly. What's your worst habit? Never learning my lesson and being careless just because everything is going well. Best way I can illustrate this is when a couple of a months ago I started getting regular headaches because I’d sleep at 3, 4 AM – I addressed it by giving myself an earlier bedtime. When the headaches went away and I started feeling better, I went right back to sleeping late lol. Procrastinating is a good example too; I’ve submitted work early occasionally and it’s satisfying as fuck, but I never learn for the most part and stick to doing stuff at the last minute. Do your parents call you by any embarrassing nicknames? No. Byn is a nickname, but I don’t find it embarrassing. Do you have road rage? Yeah but there have to be certain conditions for me to get to that point, like once I’ve seen enough stupidity on the road and I can’t take it anymore; when I’m tense about something; or when traffic has been standstill for too long. Is there a certain word that you always forget how to spell? Not really. I know my spelling pretty well. Are there any books in your room? Which ones? Yesssss but it’s mostly because I owned a lot of books as a kid and I’ve thrown none of them out. My book collection is sorely not updated because I stopped reading as I got older. Do you take too many surveys? I wouldn’t say I take too many, especially considering the fact that I used to take like 7-10 surveys everyday back in high school. I do take them regularly. Write some lyrics from the song you're currently listening to: "You know I’m always coming back to this place, you know I’m always gonna look for your face.”

When it comes to dating, what's your preferred age range? 0-1 year. When was the last time someone gave you a weird look? Continued the next morning, lol. I was dancing in my seat over dinner last night because the fried chicken we had was super good, so my mom looked at me strangely. Do you like to cuddle? Only with a significant other, and an animal if they’re willing to cuddle. Do you like the band Cartel? I don’t think I’ve heard of that band yet. Do you play any instruments? No, but I’m always wishing I could. Do you ever blare the music in the car and dance like an idiot? I used to do that when I drove to and from school. It’s the only time in the day where I’m not working and I’m alone, so I allow myself to let loose. Though I gotta say, most of it is recorded because I always have a dashcam on HAHAHAHA so I definitely have some footage I don’t want getting aired in like my funeral or something. Do you like playing in the rain? When I was a kid.

What's something you miss? Going to the mall is a big one. Anything unpleasant coming up soon? The worst thing I can think of is the first anniversary of Nacho’s passing. It’s not till September, but when I think about how March literally feels like yesterday September doesn’t seem too far away anymore. If you had a pet moose, what would you name him? Probably the name of another animal, like Cow. I’ve seen other people name their dogs the names of different animals and it has always sounded so hilarious to me. Do you often hold back what you really want to say? If it’s gonna make me look unnecessarily blunt and hurtful then yes. Are you currently wearing any jewlery? Nope. What was the last gift you gave to someone? Cooper, for Father’s Day. It was my mom’s idea but I helped chip in with the graduation money I got from one of my aunts. Do you decorate for Christmas? (If you celebrate it, that is.) We do. I’ll probably put a tree and some stockings up once I live alone, idk, just so I don’t feel too lonely. Are you hungry? A bit, but it’s manageable. On that note, I miss continental breakfasts. I’ve been having Filipino-style breakfast for months and I really would just like a goddamn croissant or bread rolls with butter for once, lol. When was the last time you went bowling? Sometime in September and October last year. Can you whistle? Yes. Is there a certain genre of music that you just can't stand? Country. Are you allergic to anything? Nope. How many pillows do you sleep with? Two. I lay my head on one and hug another. If I don’t have a ~hug pillow~ it takes much longer for me to fall asleep. You've just won a free vacation! Where do you want to go? Covid restrictions hypothetically put aside, I’d love to go on the New York/Texas trip I initially planned as my grad gift. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? I have a good relationship with my dad. But it’s not like I feel comfortable enough to tell either of my parents any of my secrets. What's your favorite thing about yourself? Gabie likes to tell me “you’re too selfless, you don’t have to help everyone” in sort of like an annoyed tone because that’s exactly what I do lol - help anyone, even if I have to go out of my way or even if it’ll inconvenience me to do it. But I love it about me. I like when I get to make people go home with one less issue on their shoulders. Do you have any health problems? Scoliosis. Have you ever had a near-death experience? Almost smashed into a car that suddenly braked while I was going 50, 60 kph. Are you extremely picky when it comes to guys/girls? That’s what demis essentially are, lol. Do you ever listen to classical music? It’s my last resort when I’m studying and no other music is helping me get focused. What was the last concert you attended? Paramore. What's a movie you'd like to see right now? (Old or new) Ammonite, it’s an upcoming film with Kate Winslet and Saoirse Ronan. Do you take life too seriously? Most of the time. I just find it necessary that way. When was the last time you were truly scared? This weekend when my mom watched a jumpscare with the sound on, so I heard the loud demon scream that came up in the end. What's the funniest trick you've ever pulled on anyone? I don’t like pulling tricks because I don’t like them pulled on me. The most I’ve done is take Gab’s phone and pretend with her that it’s lost. Do you like orange juice? I’ll drink it if it’s served for free, but I wouldn’t buy one for myself. Do you own any skinny jeans? Yes, nearly all my jeans are skinny. Do you have a diary/journal that you frequently write in? You’re looking at it. When was the last time you had a good workout? November, back when I still had that intense PE class that made me work out for an hour every Wednesday and Friday. Do you like your eye color? I find it too common but I’m not actively complaining about it. I don’t feel the need to change it. When was the last time you played with Play-Doh? Two or three years ago at a cousins’ place. One of them was still a baby then, so the toys they had around were clay and kinetic sand and stuff. What's something that you think people waste too much time on? Fighting on Facebook comments lol Do you think they should outlaw talking on your cell phone while driving? They already have, at least here. Are you embarrassed to burp or fart in front of your friends? For the most part. I’ll burp only in front of Angela and Gab. Do you like peanut butter cookies? Yesssssss, but I don’t get to have it a lot. :(

#survey #surveys

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jumphq · 5 years

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A Hand to the Devil? A Gift to the Masses?

I’m thinking that this might be my last post here on Tumblr. I’m not antiTumblr, necessarily…it was a necessity in 2015 to get up and going as quickly as possible. But it has always felt clunky and now that we have other options: our official page, Medium, Patreon…it’s time to consolidate, I think. I feel like this blog has kind of been out in the wilderness a little and maybe it’s time to give it a better home.

Speaking of Patreon, our page launched last Thursday, and while I was very much looking forward to it, I can’t lie: I lost a number of nights of sleep over it. Why?

It’s the oldest way for artists to exist: through the patronage of people that want to support the artists in making new art. This practice allowed tons of artists do what they did for centuries, and happily. But this practice hasn’t really been a part of the modern world until “crowdfunding” became legal. Even then, it is one thing to ask people to help you pay for one thing. It’s another to ask for people to give part of their monthly income to you, not knowing about the thing, but hoping that a thing happens. So, anxiety.

It is thrilling and feels icky at the same time, to ask for people to be your patrons. On the one hand, why shouldn’t you ask? I want to create things, as an artist. I want to create things for a living, as an artist. Why would those two statements need to be separate thoughts?

I was actually taught that they were separate thoughts. If you are a son of two artists, you learn that money isn’t something that is easy to come by. You go to art school, you are encouraged to wear the “starving artist” badge on your sleeve proudly. Artists are special. They are different. Artists are poor.

Again, why? I don’t know. If you’ve never tried to make a living being a full-time artist, you might don’t know this. It’s hard. When I make money as a web developer, it sometimes makes me angry. Why do I make so much more money building a website for a marketing firm, or an app for a company that sells stocks? These jobs aren’t nearly as difficult or interesting to me as writing a song or acting in a play, but they are far more highly valued by society.

I like writing code. I like getting paid to do so. But I don’t like it as much as being on stage. I can (more easily) support my family writing code, and live a comfortable life, but if that’s all I do, I feel unfulfilled. I could build websites by day and act in plays at night, but that is sort of a drag for me because then I’m in two full-time day jobs and am always sort of strung out and exhausted and can’t give my best to any work I do.

This is just me, by the way. I’m just speaking about my experience as an artist. My fellow developers are very fulfilled being full-time coders. Tons of actors here in Chicago love to have day jobs for money and then put on their “Artist Caps” at night. They have the drive and energy to do that. I am not knocking their choices. I’m just a better person, a better artist, when I am single-tasking: getting paid to do one, fulfilling, creative job.

Jump, Little Children never got “famous”. We were successful for a rock band in that we could hit the road and have between 50 and 5000 people come see us when we played, depending on the location. In some cities we were almost a household name and in others very few people had heard of us. We weren’t as business-savvy and easy to swallow as Guster and we weren’t a sexy two-person band like Shovels and Rope. We just didn’t catch on enough, and there is no big clear reason why. We cannot really blame bad management and record label issues. The truth is that tons of amazing bands don’t catch on, don’t make it to Conan, but love writing and playing and do it for as long as they can financially and emotionally stay afloat. It doesn’t matter “why”. We gave it our all, made some good decisions and some bad ones, and were proud that it was our full-time job for as long as it was.

Of course, by “full-time job” standards, we were way below the poverty level our entire career. It’s expensive to run a business, and Jump was our sexy business, which meant that if there was anyone that was going to get a pay cut when times were tough, it wouldn’t be our manager, tour manager, lawyer, or sound guy. Just us. You keep going in the hopes that you’ll eventually be the ones making the most money; that didn’t happen for us and I have no regrets.

It was amazing to finally get paid a living wage when the band was done in 2005. The first time I made a weekly paycheck I couldn’t believe it. Making $30k a year for the first time was like being fabulously wealthy…and this was in my very late 30s. Being comfortable was intoxicating for a while, but not being a creative person for a living kind of left me with a empty feeling in my chest. My journal entries pre-2015 had a theme: ask after ask for the Universe to bring me something that would both be a fulfilling career and support my family at the same time.

Yet when the Universe brought the Jump reunion in 2015 to me, I was the last person in the band that said “yes”. I assumed that the chapter was closed and I was fine with it. The five of us weren’t that close at the time and I had forgotten what it was like to play music with people that knew you as well as Jay, Johnny, Ward and Evan knew me. I knew that saying “yes” was going to open up a lot of baggage that had been packed away, would be a ton of extra work for me personally, was going to be scary and emotional and possibly a big fucking failure.

It has been some of those things, too. But as you’ve gathered from this blog, it has also been incredible–a great creative lump of plaster putty to fill in my unfulfilled chest hole (gross!). Worth the being away from home, worth the pay cuts again, worth the anxieties and fears and insecurities. Lots and lots of sleepless nights. Worth it.

I’m luckier than the members of the band that don’t live on Facebook and Instagram, I’m luckier than those that don’t stay in the lobbies of rock clubs after every show until the venue kicks us all out. I’m luckier, because I can see the direct impact our saying “yes” to JLC in 2015 made on your lives and therefore on my life. You’re very honest about it, and I don’t take it lightly. The music has gotten you through bad times and good and happy moments and sad. The community has not just been a place to put your love of a rock band, but also a place to put your own dreams and hopes and needs. Every band might be required to say “we couldn’t do it without our fans” but I know more than anyone how true that statement is for Jump. I’m lucky.

So, Patreon.

Man, it is hard. I get it. For those of you that are a little taken aback at our choice to try this out in order to keep our creative little rock and roll world afloat, I feel you. Everyone is asking for your money these days. How can people that don’t have 9 to 5 jobs ask you to help pay for their lifestyle? Especially if you like your 9 to 5 job? I do not have an answer, because it feels a little icky and uncomfortable to me, too.

Cards on table: Jump, Little Children has two options in 2019. We can’t afford to do what we did last year and not get paid for the intense amount of work it takes to be a mostly-full-time band: writing, recording, touring, posting, streaming, marketing. We either try this Patreon thing out, or something like it, to see if it will help us be able to spend more time writing music and creating things, or we spend less time on the band and do more lucrative things to keep food on tables. Realistically, we will still have to do other things anyway, but anything helps. The days (and chances) of a big record label swooping in and paying us to write and record songs are over, and even when our big record label did swoop in, we didn’t get a pay raise anyway.

Friday morning I woke up with an idea to record some Irish music with my friend Amanda Kapousouz in time for St. Pat’s. And I felt a freedom to have that thought that I didn’t have before. Sure, I might have done the recording anyway, but knowing that I could at some point make a creative work like that happen and get paid for it was inspiring. I’ve just spent three hours writing this letter to you. Connecting with you has always been my job and always will be, whether I get paid for it or not, but it does take time, time that I could spend coding, I suppose. I’d rather write these love letters to you.

Patronage isn’t about putting a price on your love. We are putting a price on the pride we take in our work, the time we take to agonize over details, the care we put into everything from a melody, to a sentence, a pixel, a shade of hair dye. It’s not your responsibility to feed us. It’s our responsibility to find the means to feed ourselves. We would like to do that by writing songs and producing new content, and we are attempting to find new and creative ways to do so.

It could be a winning solution for everyone. If this works out for us, the goal is to keep writing music and performing. With something like Patreon, we could possibly have a new album next year. Without it, we might have a new album in 2022. That’s not a huge difference. Either way, it’s OK, right?

Support us on Patreon if you can, but if you cannot: please don’t. Please please don’t. If you like this idea and want to support us, but can’t afford to, let us know how we might help you make that work. Is it to change the tier prices? To put more stuff in the lower tiers? What would make it worth it? We need to have all the data at hand.

And if you can’t, please accept that we are still going to be around and not play games with your hearts? We’ll post to the same social media and do the same silly LIVE chats and tour and hopefully write new music. We are here, we love you just as much, so you can let other people pay while you reap the benefits, OK?

Whew. I feel better getting this off my chest…thank you. I’m gonna go record some flute, now, for fun…and profit?

We love you,

Matt “Overshare” Bivins

#patreon #last post?#crowdfunding #creative holes in chests

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foreverbeingthunderbuddy · 6 years

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Surprise

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: Mentions of violence, cuss words, that’s it I think

Summary: The reader is a big fan of the Avengers, especially of their newest addition, Bucky Barnes. She longs for nothing more than to meet him, which she does one day, though she wishes she hadn’t made a fool out of herself that night. Now she has to face him again at a press conference.

A/N: This is my piece for @upsidedownparker’s 3k writing challenge. Congrats on 3k, that’s amazing!! I picked the Dialogue prompt #20 from this post. The prompt is in bold. Word count around 5,4k (Gif by @bicon-valkyrie, from this gif set)

Masterlist

You don’t remember the news coverage of the Starks’ passing when it happened because you were only a couple of months old.

You read up on it years later when you were old enough to understand who Tony Stark and his corporation were. During your research you found what the news articles claimed to be the cause of his parents’ death; broken skull on Mr. Stark’s side and some kind of heart attack on his wife’s side due to a car crash.

A lot of newspapers – whose digitalized articles you found in various libraries – speculated about the true nature of the supposed crash and questioned the general public’s verdict of it being a coincidental accident. Was it really? Or is there more to it?

You were young but you were immediately intrigued by the story. What did really happen on the night of December 16th 1991? Was it truly just an accident? Why didn’t they find any major injuries on Mrs. Stark’s body that could have been responsible for her death, why did they file a heart attack even though – according to several news outlets – there were really no signs of any form of cardiologic collapse to be noted?

The diagnose was a safe bet to hide the authorities’ lack of knowledge concerning the case, you agree with that theory. You don’t know exactly what happened to Mr. Stark because all that’s published is “broken skull”. That’s it. You wish you knew if they scamped giving out the right findings to the public as well.

What’s the truth and what’s a cover up in this case? The world never received an answer and the story got buried as time went on until one particular person stumbled into the limelight of New York’s high society a couple of years ago, making headlines for producing futuristic weapons of all kind.

Anthony Edward Stark, being the mere incarnation of a playboy, also known as Tony Stark – or at this point, Iron Man.

You remember watching a video of his presentation for the Apogee Awards in Las Vegas years ago.

“With the keys to the kingdom, Tony ushers in a new era for his father's legacy, creating smarter weapons, advanced robotics, satellite targeting. Today, Tony Stark has changed the face of the weapons industry, by ensuring freedom and protecting America."

What an icon, what an absolute and utter asshole.

And today? Mister I-create-the-most-testosterone-filled-weapons turned into Mister-I’m-still-the-best-but-now-I-also-save-the-world-to-prove-that which is something no one saw coming. He built his own team of superheroes who are not only really good at saving the world’s ass but are also incredibly good-looking celebrities.

Say Steve Roger’s name in a subway and you will have at least three people faint, man and woman.

You kept watching the Avengers from a safe distance, followed the coverage of their missions and doings with the utmost interest and secretly came up with your own theories whenever things got heated in their fan clubs. Low-key, of course. You never stood in a crowd and screamed Tony’s name on the top of your lungs everytime he made a public appearance and you also never wrote fan post to each of them.

Until one day.

Until the day they presented the newest addition to their team. James Buchanan Barnes, but nobody calls him that, unless he is directly addressed. We call him Bucky, Bucky Barnes sometimes. He caught your eye the minute you saw shaky phone videos of what seemed to be a fight between Steve Rogers and Bucky, on some street. It looked brutal.

It also provided for weeks of vivid discussions among devoted fans and produced the craziest theories about who the stranger with the black face mask and metallic arm was. Every now and then there would be new amateur videos about the mask man, sightings, caught by fans and it all was a huge mystery to you. You were instantly captivated.

Months later, Tony held a press conference about an incident in Rostow and of course you watched it live in your office, sitting in front of your computer and pretending to work on an article while you actually had a livestream of the conference open in another tab and watched it, mouse on the little icon of your word document, so you could instantly switch back and not get caught. You had one earphone subtly inserted into your ear, so you would understand what’s being said.

The press conference proceeded normally, the usual statements, the “it was a success”, the humble smile, the applause from the reporter crowd. And then Tony turned back to the mic and started introducing someone who you didn’t know, but you were captured by his words, so you leaned closer to the screen.

“… not gonna lie, we had a problematic start but we have come to terms with it and decided to combine our powers and strengths and work together. So, after this rather unspectacular introduction, I want to present to you the newest addition to my team. Ladies and Gentleman, please give him a hand, my newest colleague and fellow Avenger member, James Barnes!” Tony shouts into the microphone and starts clapping, the crowd quickly follows, driven by the sensation of this news.

James Barnes must have been somewhere on the right, judging from the direction Tony looked at. He didn’t appear on screen, though, which not only irritated you but also his presenter himself. Looks like the revelation of the newest Avengers wasn’t planned at all.

That put a small smile on your face.

You remember Tony walking to the right side of the stage and wildly motioning for someone to come up to him – someone probably being James Barnes – and after some petty seconds of hesitation, James finally gave in, stepped to the edge of the stage and with a single motion, jumped onto it.

He wore a tight, red, long-sleeved shirt which he rolled up on the sleeves, and black pants. His black hair was long enough to reach his chin and you remember thinking how unusual that was for a man – but his eyes! Oh, his eyes. Whoever filmed this must have been an angel directly sent from heaven because they zoomed in on James Barnes’ face up to his shoulders which gave you an excellent view of his ice-blue eyes.

How expressive! How extraordinary.

You were fully aware of the fact you were sitting in your office thirsting over a guy with long hair and a red shirt but you didn’t care.

“He also answers to the name Winter Soldier by the way. Or Bucky” Tony said into the mic and got pushed away by Bucky who definitely didn’t seem to like all of this.

Bucky Barnes.

He looked exactly like the guy from the video that went around the internet a couple of months ago. He fought Steve Rogers and is now his new colleague? Odd. But fascinating, nevertheless. What you would give to get a good look behind the scenes is out of the scale of the ordinary at this point. How do they stand to Bucky and how did they go from fighting-until-one-of-us-dies to let’s-be-friends-and-work-together?

Nobody knows.

Fast forward to now.

You were just informed by your boss that you would get the mind-blowing opportunity to go to a press conference to get some questions through for your magazine – but not any press conference. Everyone probably guessed it by now, it’s a Tony Stark press conference.

Heart, stop beating so fast!

You are currently on your way from the cab you took to the entrance of the event hall that is owned by Stark Industries and reserved for things like this. You’re also about to pass out. Never in a million years would you have thought you’d get this gig, ever. Doesn’t mean you tried before, it’s just your boss always had someone else for that, mostly his rising star named Ellie Cannon.

She sure is something; pretty, quite smart, mediocre-skilled when it comes to writing but makes up for it by landing the biggest stories. However she does it, you’re still trying to figure that out but that’s a different topic. She’s also, and that’s the only problem you have with her, known for writing about the Avengers and Stark Industries and therefore a loyal attendee at his press conferences.

She gets all the stories, you are longing for. Even worse: at this point every single staff member at Stark’s corporation and him and his Avenger colleagues know her. Personally. Tony and Bucky know she exists, they even know her name… which is already more than you have on your résumé.

Ellie’s always there, asks juicy questions – according to your boss, but you wouldn’t give her that much credit seeing as the questions are developed by a small team in your office, so your journal won’t embarrass themselves on live television – and every now and then gets invited to Tony Stark’s exclusive parties he holds once a month.

So, she’s living the dream. Or more accurate, she’s living your dream. But not today. Today you’re going to be representing NY Value Daily. You got dressed up for that – a dark blue, white-striped Navy printed Culotte jumpsuit and black stilettos – and put on a rather subtle make-up because there’s nothing worse than looking desperate in a room full of professional journalists.

You show the security guard your journalist ID you got from your boss this morning and join the small crowd of people waiting to go through the security check. Staff is very careful with who enters the building and who doesn’t. Understandable for someone in Stark’s position.

The people around you look incredibly fancy and a little up their own asses and you’re glad you chose the glamour route instead of the white blouse and black pants you originally planned for this. Sophia, one of your co-workers, could talk you out of it last second. Bless her heart.

You crane your neck and try to see inside the doors to the conference room that stand open and reveal very little of the stage, unfortunately. God, you are nervous. How long have you dreamed of this and how long have you watched your colleagues get this opportunity and talk vividly about it the next day in the office? You’re normally not the super jealous type but that did sting every time.

You can’t wait to see Bucky in person. Again.

The thing is, you have met him before. Met as in ‘you talked to him for less than ten seconds’. But it certainly was an experience.

Tony Stark has invited all kinds of people for another one of his extravagant parties yet again. This time though he didn’t hold it in his usual location being his mansion (not the one in California, he actually has one in New York City) because there was some sort of renovation (?) going on. You don’t exactly know, he didn’t make an official statement about it.

Instead of celebrating on his property, he rented a hall and brought the party there. That hall happened to be ten minutes away from where you live. Ten minutes. A stone’s throw. What an opportunity! You couldn’t waste that.

So what you planned to do was, ignoring how sly you were for wanting to do it, finding out if Ellie was going to the party – which she was – and stealing something from her, something she would need on her at all times, even when attending a Stark party. Like her wallet.

You wouldn’t steal money from her or harm her in any way, you would just take the wallet unnoticed, work longer, then call Ellie at a time where she must be at the party already and act like you just found her wallet and offer to bring it to her, you “would have called it a day now anyway and the hall lies directly on my way home”.

That was the plan. Lucky for you and your metaphorical clean slate, she was being clumsy and all mixed up the entire day due to the big event in the evening, so she accidentally forgot her actual wallet at the office when she left. Without knowing she helped you follow your plan because you had tried to get to her wallet all day and weren’t successful and by the time it was close to the end of work you had given up.

You had it, called her, acted like it was super important that she kept her wallet with her under all circumstances especially if she wanted to pay the cab afterwards, offered her to bring it to her because see above – and luckily she agreed. She also didn’t consider herself too good not to flex on you with her invitation and the high-profile guests she has met already. The slight guilt you felt when you came up with your plan vanished completely at that.

You drove there, hands sweaty, stomach like a knot.

Found a parking spot in a side street, a miracle! You had expected the area to be jammed because duh Tony Stark and his mates are here. You got out of the car and walked to the building, ignoring the butterflies that seemed to be rioting inside of you. You had to stop a couple of feet in front of the entrance because there was a barrier and a whole bunch of security guards who looked intimidating as fuck.

While you rang up Ellie’s phone, you didn’t take your eyes off the entrance in hope you would see one of the Avengers. Bucky Barnes, preferably. How incredible would it be if one of them decided to come outside at this exact moment and saw you here? Took in your face and registered your existence?

Mind-blowing.

You weren’t the only one waiting for a little candid, there were several small groups of people standing beside you. Some of them looked normal, some of them glamoured up, probably hoping they would get access to the festivities somehow. Didn’t look like they were successful yet.

You heard them discuss various theories about single members of the Avengers and you mostly didn’t listen because 1) you already knew part of those theories and 2) most of it sounded delusional as hell. So you waited and waited and looked around you and eyed everyone and everything that walked past you until you noticed the conversation beside you going into a very interesting direction.

“… the question. Where did he come from? You did see the video PlazaMobster posted on YouTube months ago, so you saw the battle between Cap and Bucky. It’s just weird to me how they can fight each other to death one second and then the next second be work friends and stick together, you know what I mean?” One of the girls in a Captain America shirt said to another one who she just met apparently and you kept your eyes straight forward but listened in to their conversation because that’s something you have thought about, too.

“Yeah, hm. Obviously, Bucky was the bad guy at first but he … maybe Cap convinced him to change to the good side and now they have a Scarlet Witch kind of situation, you know? From enemy to ally. I don’t know how much you can trust someone who tried to kill you a couple of months ago but I mean … it seems to be working, doesn’t it? For them at least.”

“But how did Cap convince him to join them, though? ‘Cause I mean that shit in the video looked ferocious as fuck, you saw it. It’s just so odd to me.”

True. It was odd.

“I don’t know. Maybe someone else convinced him, maybe someone he has history with?”

“But who would he have history with? He literally just appeared last year and the Avengers haven been going for quite some time now, so that history must be a long time ago.”

“I don’t know, could be anyone. But, topic change, have you seen his arm? What the actual fuck? Is it metal or just something that looks like metal?”

You heard a giggle.

“I’m pretty sure it’s metal and to be honest, I don’t know what’s hotter, his hair or his metal arm.”

True that. These girls were just as thirsty for Mr. Barnes as you were. You tried to hide a smile and kept staring at the entrance. Ellie really took her time considering she told you she would be there in thirty seconds. This was so typical.

“Here’s a theory I have read last week and it has given me creeps the instant I saw it. Bucky has a metal arm, right? Must be strong with it, like really strong. How long do you think would it take him to strangle someone or even break someone’s neck with it?”

That caught your interest as you haven’t really thought about that and you couldn’t tell where she was going with this theory. The other girl snorted.

“I have no idea but he can choke me any time with it, I’m open to experiments.”

The girls broke out in laughter.

“And you have read the articles and news coverage of Mr. and Mrs. Stark’s car accident, right?” The girl suddenly asked, taking you completely off guard. What does that have to do with the death of Tony Stark’s parents decades ago? You decided to remain silent and wait for what she had to say.

“Um… yes?”

“So. The reports said Mr. Stark died due to a broken skull he incurred because of the car crash. But what about Mrs. Stark? All it said was “heart attack”, but how likely is it really that in a car accident so impactful that he breaks his skull, she only gets a heart attack? A heart attack, out of all things. My grandma died from a heart attack and she lived her last years in her cosy bed and never got out of the house. I have never heard anyone die from a heart attack in a car crash before. That’s so … uncreative.”

“I know! I thought the same when I read it. I think the police made that up because they either didn’t know what the real cause of death was or they wanted to cover something up.”

“Exactly!”

This conversation was an actual representation of your own thoughts you had about that night. The diagnose heart attack was a scam and one of them seemed to have a theory about what happened and for some reason, it involved Bucky Barnes.

“What does Bucky have to do with it now?” The other girl asked, speaking what was on your mind.

“Well. I read on a blog that maybe Mrs. Stark didn’t die because she had a heart attack. She died because she a) had other major injuries like Mr. Stark and the police is just odd for not publishing that or b) she died of suffocation.”

Suffocation?? Why in the hell would she have died of suffocation? That’s so unlikely, who came up with that?

“Suffocation? What do you mean? Why would she- who would strangle … oh.”

Oh. Yeah, oh.

“When Tony introduced Bucky to the public he said they had their problems but have come to terms with it and it also would explain why they fought him in the beginning. He has a fucking metal arm, what do you think how much strength is in that? The guy who posted that theory said, someone in his family worked as a pathologist who was involved in the Stark case. That someone told him they found crass bruises on Mrs. Stark’s neck and severe injuries in the same area that must have been caused by another person.”

Silence.

“That could be easily made up. Why did he do it?”

“I know. And I have no idea. But it’s something.”

“But why didn’t the police publish that bit of information? Why did they hold that back?”

“Maybe they got threatened by someone? Someone powerful? There’s a lot of stuff going on that we don’t know about. I think it’s possible.”

That’s it. You couldn’t hold it in anymore. You turned to the two girls and looked them in the eyes.

“Are you seriously suggesting that Bucky Barnes, the kind of new member of the Avengers, the new hero of our city and country, killed Tony Stark’s parents in December 1991 by breaking Mr. Stark’s skull and choking Mrs. Stark to death with his metal arm? Is that really – really – what you are arguing about?” You asked absolutely baffled and didn’t make an effort to keep your voice down.

The girls looked a little taken aback by your interfering and stared back at you with wide eyes.

“Um …”

“What are the chances that the day I decide to attend one of Stark’s parties for the first time, I have to listen to three women talking about me possibly killing Stark’s parents?” A male voices suddenly said before you and made all three of you jump and quickly turn around to see who the person was.

He stood three feet away from you, hands in his pockets, body turned towards the building but head towards you as if he was walking to the entrance but stopped when he heard you say these things.

His chin-long hair was in a bun in his neck, his face was clean shaven and his outfit consisted of a black suit shirt and black pants.

You needed three seconds to recognize him and the moment you did, your heart stopped beating entirely and sank to your knees. You had never been this close to him, never seen those ice-blue eyes in person. Even though it was dark, you still noticed the shine in them, the light, and felt the immediate attraction he sparked in you.

Several bodyguards positioned themselves on each of his sides to shield him from the other fans, though you doubted Bucky Barnes needed any protection. He looked very serious.

You didn’t know what to say. Embarrassment captivated your whole mind. The girls beside you must have been drunk.

“We just discussed stupid theories we read. Mr. Barnes, I’m actually a big fan. I didn’t mean to offend you” One of them purred nonchalantly and tried a coquettish smile. Her voice sounded higher than before and her new friend didn’t seem to be any different.

“Yes! I can’t believe we’re meeting you out here, I’m just a huge admirer of the work you do for us and I just want to say you’re my favourite out of the whole team. I don’t even know what to say.” Yes, you know exactly what to say, you little brat.

Geez. These girls just made a huge 180 and converted to ass kissing, it seemed. You didn’t say anything because you hadn’t found your voice yet and you also didn’t know what to say that didn’t sound like these two fangirls.

Not giving anything away, Bucky’s eyes swiftly wandered over their appearances before traveling to you. His blue gaze took you in and he appeared to wait for something if his raised eyebrows were anything to go by.

“Hm?” You asked because his staring made you self-conscious and you felt like you were supposed to do something.

“And you? Anything you want to tell me?” He asked you cockily. While you couldn’t believe that the Bucky Barnes was looking at you and asked you an actual question, you desperately tried to come up with something good and maybe clever. You couldn’t think of anything. So you proceeded to stare at him for a few seconds and-

Was that Ellie over there strutting towards you?

“No, not really, thanks. I’m just waiting for my colleague. She forgot her wallet” You say as unaffected as possible. That caught him off guard, you could see it in the way he raised his eyebrows even further and tilted his head a little. And then he gave you a small smile, which your heart immediately reacted to, and shifted.

“Okay, then. I was actually-“

“Y/N, I’m sorry I took so long! I was talking to Elon Musk and I just couldn’t turn him away, you know? I hope you understand” She simpered and reached for the wallet in your hands.

“Of course not” You said, your tone contradicting your words. But naturally, Ellie didn’t notice or, more likely, ignored it and turned to walk away again when she spotted Bucky next to her.

“Oh my god, James! Hi, nice to meet you again, I didn’t see you inside. How are you?” She laid a hand on his arm instead of going in for a tight hug like she would have usually done when meeting hot guys but even she isn’t stupid enough to hug Bucky Barnes. Speaking of, he actually looked like he’d rather be somewhere else since Ellie appeared which is something you could relate to.

You decided you made a fool out of yourself enough tonight and took a step back.

“Good luck with her” You teasingly said to him and waved to Ellie as you turned around. The last thing you saw was the irritated but slightly amused expression in his face as he watched you make a quick getaway.

Safe to say, you didn’t sleep that night.

---

You anxiously take your seat in the second row in the audience and try to bring your heartbeat down to a healthier rate. Subtly, you wipe your sweaty hands on the jumpsuit over your legs and lean back, in an attempt to look relaxed and unbothered. The chairs around you fill with each passing minute and suddenly it’s 11 o’clock and the press conference begins.

You take a quick look at your notes. You had four questions, from which you will probably only have two answered. Your boss was concerned to send you here as the official representation of NY Value Daily but you reassured him you’d be the perfect choice to do this. You have been to a couple of these – smaller cases of course – and you have watched countless of Ellie’s press conferences, so you felt prepared. Nervous but prepared.

Too bad Ellie was sick today. Too bad.

The minute Tony Stark and his companion walk out on stage, your eyes are glued on Bucky like your life depends on it. The special thing about this one is that it isn’t just Tony stepping in front of a mic, this is bigger. They have an actual table on stage, several chairs, several mics. They announced Tony, Cap and Bucky to be here which is something that … almost never happens.

So naturally you were ecstatic. Aside from a lot of other things.

The host shakes all of their hands and there’s this little gap where the audience applauds and Tony, Steve and Bucky stand behind their chairs and wait for the sign to sit down. You can’t believe Bucky actually agreed to do this.

You see his eyes roam around the room, take in the people he’s standing in front of and you tense when he travels along your row. His gaze rambles over you like any other person but you see him hesitate all of a sudden and his eyes come back to you. This is what it feels like to be stared at by Bucky Barnes in broad daylight.

Your body feels electrified.

You give him a small smile and try not to look like you’re about to pass out. He doesn’t smile back but you see him take in your outfit – or what he can see of it – and then slowly, his eyes come back up to your face. What is he thinking?? You need to know.

The host invites them to sit down and the moment is gone. They all take a seat and wait. Not without disappointment you notice that Bucky doesn’t look at you again.

So, the questions begin.

You hold back at first because you feel too anxious to raise your hand for the mic and just listen to what the other journalists ask them. Most of the time, though, you’re watching Bucky.

He does a good job, you quickly realize. He doesn’t seem too fond of having to sit in front of a crowd and answer question, especially the juicier ones (haha) but he does it without growing defensive or being rude. You wish you wouldn’t be so affected by all of this.

They ask him about his past which is quite inappropriate seeing as this press conference is solemnly about the mission they just completed and not about his personal life. He gives short answers and at some point when the reporter turns to the “how is your love life going, now that you’re a national hero *chuckle chuckle*” topic, the host intervenes and asks to turn to more professional questions for this event.

And that’s when you raise your hand. Heart is beating wildly in protest but you’re a grown ass woman, you can do it.

The host points at you and you stand up and wait for the staff to give you the microphone. You can do this!

“Hi, my name is Y/N Y/L/N and I’m from New York Value Daily. My ques-“

“Are you new?” Bucky suddenly interrupts you. You look up and see the teasing spark in his eyes.

“Um, yes. Normally, my colleague Ellie Cannon represents our magazine but she is sick, so I went instead” You say insecurely and hope that answer is enough. You can already hear the quiet mumbles in the crowd behind you.

“I know Ellie” Tony blurts out and looks at the two men beside him.

“Yeah, me too” Steve says and opens a bottle of water while Bucky adds a “Hard not to know her”. The crowd laughs at that. Is this an inside joke of some kind? Are they adoring her or mocking her? You don’t know if you are supposed to defend her now.

“Um, okay? That’s … cool. Well, I’m substituting for her today, so-“

“What a pleasant surprise” Bucky says and oh my god, is that a wink? Immediate response from the crowd, a lot of Ooh’s and whistles around you. You feel your face heat up.

“Bucky, stop embarrassing her” Steve scolds him but can’t hide the smile on his face.

“Don’t be so harsh, Steve, he’s right, it is a pleasant surprise. I thought all your magazine had for us was the lovely Ellie and I’m pleasantly surprised that’s not the case. I can’t believe they withheld such a beautiful, smart woman from us all this time” Tony hums and gives you a flirtatious smile.

Ooh, that’s mean. On the other side, Ellie always acts like she is the queen of the office and holds arrogance closer to her heart than modesty, therefore you don’t really feel like supressing the gleeful feelings that arise from his comment. He also called you beautiful which doesn’t happen too often and it does flatter you, not going to lie.

Someone in the room woos like he’s at a bachelorette party.

“Okay, um, thanks” You say shyly and feel Bucky’s eyes on you, “Can I ask my question now?”

“Whatever you want” Bucky answers which earns him a dig in the ribs by Steve. You try to ignore that and concentrate on your notes.

“Okay, so my question is, now that you made this first step towards allying with English authorities, will there b-“

“You are the woman who I met outside the party the other night, aren’t you?” Bucky interrupts you again. Another wave of whispers and mumblings fills the room yet again. You nod.

“Yup. That was me.”

“Wait, you know each other?” Steve asks and looks at his friend who decides to ignore him.

“I knew it was you.”

Oh, that smile. That fucking beautiful smile that shakes up your whole body. You suddenly have trouble standing and not sinking into your chair.

“Surprise” You say and try a kittenish smile.

God, your article about this will need heavy editing, that’s for sure.

You get your two questions through without further incidents and both are answered by Tony (”Interesting questions, I might go far afield for that if you don’t mind, miss Y/L/N”), Steve (”I agree with whatever Tony just said. I’m sorry but I’m not nearly as smart as you or him, so I better stay in my lane”) and Bucky (”I think the real question is why has no one else ever asked us that?”) which relieves you outside of human limits and when you are done, you hand the mic back to the staff and shakily take your seat.

Phew. You did it! And you didn’t even embarrass yourself. Fucking professional.

You start grinning as soon as you’re sure the attention is away from you and on one of the other journalists. Of course, you don’t withstand not staring at Bucky, so when you’re sure he must be focused on the other reporters, you dare a glance at him.

And meet his blue, sprakling eyes. He watches you and the corners of his mouth tug into a cheeky grin when he catches you staring. You can’t stop the flustered smile spreading on your face and quickly look away. From the corner of your eye you see Bucky lean over to his colleagues and quietly tell them something before leaning back and pretending to listen to the question that is being asked.

When the press conference is over and the Avengers have walked off the stage, you stand up and turn to leave the room as you suddenly feel a tap on your shoulder. Feeling puzzled, you turn back and see one of Stark’s staff members standing next to you.

“Miss Y/L/N?” She asks friendly.

You reply with wide eyes. “Yes?”

“Mr. Stark has asked me to give you this, it’s in behalf of Mr. Barnes” She says and hands you a heavy piece of paper. She says her goodbyes and off she goes. You are beyond curious and hastily open the folded paper. What you see is a hand written letter with a very familiar mark on top.

Dear Miss Y/L/N,

This is an invitation to my festive celebration in honour of the successful completing of our latest mission. Come and get wasted with us! Please. The dress code is set at ‘glamorous’, it’s up to you what you do with that. Though I ask you to refrain from wearing Bikini tops or flat boots, we do have our standards. Location: my New Yorkian Mansion (you know where). The party is this Friday, start around 6 pm. Show this invitation to the security guards and they will happily guide you inside.

Much love,

Tony Stark.

P.S.: Bucky will be there, too ;) You don’t want to miss a good time, do you?

---

Forever Tags: @izzy-the-teawitch @wowpeterparker @brightcolorsoffendme @strangequakson @rosegoldquintis @thirdwheelchurchill @hazel-eyed-bi @goldenkillmonger @yourwonderbelle

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rebelmeg · 6 years

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65 Questions You Aren't Used To

(I know, it’s an ask meme, but... I just kinda want to do them all. I LOVE this kinda stuff, it’s like writing a nifty journal entry for people that suck at journals, like me.)

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you? Um, no... they’re right there.

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you? 1. I’m very comfortable in the dark.

3. The person you would never want to meet? Donald Trump was the first to spring to mind.

4. What is your favorite word? Popcorn. (Because it visually appeals to me, and it feels nice to say. I know, that made literally zero sense. I know.)

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be? I always fancied myself a weeping willow, but there is literally nothing willowy about me. Ooh, ooh, can I be a fruitless pear tree?! They turn every color from yellow to purple in autumn and they’re so pretty!

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought? Probably something like, “Ew,” or “I need to shower,”.

7. What shirt are you wearing? It’s cute! It’s a gray tunic with a deep V in the front with lacing, and the words, “I’d Rather Not.”

8. What do you label yourself as? Writer.

9. Bright room or dark room? Bright when I’m working, dim when things are winding down, dark as sin when sleeping.

10. What were you doing at midnight last night? Same thing I’m doing now, screwing around on Tumblr when I should be finishing up and going to bed.

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far? 17 was a good year for me, I found the other half of my heart. Everything before and after was basically a crap shoot.

12. Who told you they loved you last? My daughters.

13. Your worst enemy? Probably myself.

14. What is your current desktop picture? It’s doing a slideshow through my saved file of New Years pictures.

15. Do you like someone? Romantically, just my hubby. He’s awfully cute.

16. The last song you listened to? Listening to “U and Ur Hand” by P!nk right now.

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up? No one wants me to have this responsibility.

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face? I could prepare a list...

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do? Oh geez, I have no idea. Who wants to be my slave and clean my house?

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional) My eyes! I have pretty eyes.

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do? I’ve got no idea what I’d look like, I’ve got too much boob and hip going on. I’ll be honest, I’d have to have at least one orgasm, because I’ve always wondered what the difference is.

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it? Secret? Not really, I’m pretty open with all my talents.

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of? Family members dying. I’ve never had a close family member die, and I’m like... ridiculously afraid of that (especially my husband and kids), especially since I’m deeply religious.

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal. The #11 at Jimmy Johns, plus bacon.

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it? Probably on something stupid. Discount Christmas shirts (I only have one), stuff on my wish.com list and Amazon list, that kind of thing. Takeout from Arby’s.

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go? Europe!

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be? Um... yeah, I don’t drink so... maybe the rarest, most expensive liquor known to man. I’ll sell it and be rich.

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? No littering.

29. What is your favorite expletive? I can’t say, I’m trying to quit. (And it’s a bad one.) If we’re doing PG rated expletives, I’ve taken to using “son of a nutcracker” and “oh my honk” pretty frequently...

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno? LAPTOP.

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? I know what it is. But I’m not telling all y’all because it’s horrifically embarrassing.

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! SCOTLAND. It only gets, like, into the 70′s there in the summer. I can dig that. I’m a freaking polar bear. (Do I get to pick the celebrities I get to fictionally sleep with, because I’ve prepared a list...)

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back? Like, for a visit, or for permanent? Because that’s different. If it was for a visit, I’d bring back one of my two grandparents that have died. I have QUESTIONS. If it was for permanent... if an early term, miscarried baby counts, I’d bring back mine.

34. What was your last dream about? I only get dreams when I’m in that weird “not 100% sleep” state, and man are they bizarre.... and I rarely remember them, but you can trust me that it was weird.

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]? Yes. Yes I am. Exceptionally.

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital? Several times, yeah. Most of them for baby things. (I had the baby, I was not the baby.)

37. Have you ever built a snowman? Oh yes. Not yet this year though, not a really awesome snowfall yet, just a few inches.

38. What is the color of your socks? I’m wearing neon pink and navy blue Black Widow socks that I got from my hubby for Christmas!

39. What type of music do you like? Most of it. Seriously. Country, rock, pop, oldies, alternative, instrumental, show tunes, classical, movie scores, Disney, Celtic and Irish.... seriously. Most of it.

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets? Sunsets, sunrises are full of tiredness.

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor? Depends on my mood, really.

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer) I... don’t. I’m not a sports person unless the Olympics are involved.

43. Do you have any scars? Lots, yeah. Biggest is my c-section scar(s), my favorite is the one on my middle finger from when I sliced it open trying to set up a trampoline. Pro tip, wear gloves, because those springs can slice your finger open when pulled back and loosed.

44. What do you want to be when you graduate? I’ve already graduated (high school, never went to college and I don’t regret it), I wanted to be married and happy. I’ve mostly succeeded. Still chasing happiness, but I get the golden moments enough that I can call it successful.

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? Probably body size, mostly because they don’t have a lot of cute clothes in my size and I have no power to change that sad standard.

46. Are you reliable? Almost 100%, yes.

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be? How does Infinity War and Avengers 4 end?

48. Do you hold grudges? Big ones, yes. Little ones, not so much.

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create? Panda peacock. Because a cute, cuddly panda with peacock colors? Best.

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had? Someone trying to goad me into participating in one of their infantilization fantasies that made me feel extremely uncomfortable.

51. Are you a good liar? I’m an excellent liar. I shouldn’t be proud of that. I am.

52. How long could you go without talking? Does talking to myself count, because I do that a lot...

53. What has been you worst haircut/style? The awkward between-phase after I did a shoulder-length bob and needed to grow it out again after my perm started to lose strength too. Poof.

54. Have you ever baked your own cake? Tons of times. I made my own birthday cake this year.

55. Can you do any accents other than your own? I do a pretty decent British (a few dialects), I can pull of Australian, Irish, Scottish, New Zealand, French, and occasionally Russian or German, as long as I get a good audio clip first to jump off of.

56. What do you like on your toast? Butter, or butter with jam/jelly or cinnamon sugar.

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of? A terrible sketch of Marty the zebra from Madagascar for my three year old.

58. What would be you dream car? A big honking pick-up truck with the full backseat and excellent gas mileage and fuel efficiency.

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain. Okay, the way that is worded is hilarious. I do sing sometimes, when I’ve got music going, but I am pretty quiet since neighbors. I don’t usually do anything unusual, except sticking my loose hairs to the wall so I can wad them up and throw it all away rather than it going down the drain and clogging it.

60. Do you believe in aliens? Not in the traditional sense, but I know we’re not alone. It’s based in religion.

61. Do you often read your horoscope? Rarely. When it pops up in magazines from last year or whatever.

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet? M, probably, for my name. And, fun trivia, M is the 13th letter of the alphabet, which puts it smack in the middle.

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons? DRAGONS. I’d have a dragon as a pet if I could. Hagrid and Charlie Weasley would be over all the time.

64. What do you think about babies? They’re cuuuute. Most of the time. Mine were cutest.

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of. If anyone thinks of something, do ask me. I seriously love this stuff!

#65 questions #about me

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stickywrites · 6 years

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Tagged by the cool cat @maternalcube

1) How many works do you currently have in progress?

uhhh. I think? Five? Four fanfics and an original piece that I’ve been working on Forever

2) Do you/would you write fanfiction?

I wrote mostly fanfiction, and always have! I think last time I went digging through all of the things my mum has saved from my childhood, my earliest fanfic is a Final Fantasy 8 one that I wrote when I was about seven/eight? I mean... It’s not good, but it exists.

3) Do you prefer paper books or ebooks?

I prefer paper books. Not for any elitist reason, I just get really bad migraines if I focus on a screen too long and I tend to read in like. Eight hour blocks ya know. Can’t do that on a tablet.

4) When did you start writing?

not to be That Bitch but there was never a time when I wasn’t story telling. I started putting my ideas down as soon as I could wield a pencil (including a story once about my mother getting pregnant (? kids.) which led to my teacher congratulating her. Awks.)

5) Do you have someone you trust that you share your work with?

I am incredibly incredibly shy about my work so there are very few people who ever get to see it before it gets published somewhere. I’ve occasionally read things to my mum or linked someone a google doc, but mostly, it’s just me myself and I.

6) Where is your favorite place to write?

Currently, just sitting at my desk in my room! It’s right under a window so I get a nice amount of sunlight and there are pictures of my nephew (and me and brothers a lil ones!) along the sil, I also have a stack of journals and post-it notes, as well as a few fidgety things I can play with when I need to stop and think. It’s a really ideal set up! I’m gonna miss it :(

7) Favorite childhood book

My whole life my mum has had this big collection of books from the Enchanted World series and I used to break into the study and pull them down off the top shelf to just comb through them. There’s one about ghosts that has some pretty intense imagery in it, and also one about faeries that I used to just go through over and over until my mum caught me. I didn’t exactly read them, but they were incredibly influential on me.

My mum gave them to me this year and I cried.

8) Writing for fun or writing for publication?

If I’m not having fun, I can’t write! I would very much like to be published one day, but right now, I don’t have the right idea. I think the talent is creeping up on me as I continue to write, but not yet!!

9) Pen and paper or computer?

I plot with pen and paper, or more specifically pen and post-it note, which I then stick all over my wall so I can move things around as need be. I also write down notes, mostly in my dream journal because its always nearest to my bed at 3 in the morning. Otherwise I tend to process ideas way faster than I can write so I type them out instead!

10) Have you ever taken any writing classes?

I haven’t! My English classes in high school did a fair bit of creative writing and poetry, but that’s about it. I think mostly I just sort of? pressured myself into doing my best, and I was pretty arrogant about my abilities as a teeny-bopper because I won every competition that I entered. I haven’t entered any as an adult lmao

11) What inspires you to write?

Oof! That’s a big question. I think I write mostly as a form of escapism. Since I was tiny tiny tiny I’ve been deeply invested in make-believe, especially faeries and the supernatural (shocking!) with a pretty desperate want for those things to be real so that I could go get lost in them. At 23, I’m starting to feel like I missed my window! So, better write about it instead.

HMMM I taggggggg anyone who wants to do it I suppose! I’m not good at this. @crazy-indigo-child you do it, nerdbutt.

#tagged #sticky laments #look at me Get Deep about this dumb hobby of mine #thanks eugyne!!!!!!

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findteenpenpals · 7 years

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My name's Kyllista (pronounced: kuh-lis-tah) I'm 17 y/o and I'm from the very hot state of Texas.

A little bit about myself: I am a huge writing nerd. I love books, essays, poems, anything to do writing. Personally, I don't think I'm all that when it comes to writing but eh. I'm currently about to be a senior in high school and while in college I want to be a pre-med but major in English or Psychology (to be determined). I love reading so so much and I love snail mail. It was something me and my grandma use to do together. I am fond of all types of art, however. I'm very gay (I'm pansexual with a strong preference for women). I believe in women's rights (I like to call myself a feminist) and I have a very strong opinion on almost anything from politics to birth control and abortion rights to who wore the dress best. I am an avid tea and coffee drinker (I drink tea with lemon and honey and I take my coffee black with two sugars. I'm not sure that's important but I'm gonna share it!)

Favorite music: Doodie Clark, Harry Stiles, Shura, Halsey, Paramore, The Doors, The Beatles, Frank Sinatra, Classical Music, HAMILTON, RENT, ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW, and honestly anything I can dance to or that can make me feel emotions.

Favorite books: (Firstly I lie when I say I have a favorite but for the sake of this I will name a few) Memory Keepers daughter, The Reader, The Alchemist, 1984, anything by Edgard Allen Poe and William Shakespear, Dubliners, Clockwork Orange, and Dante's Inferno.

Favorite shows: Greys Anatomy, Sons of Anarchy, Steven Universe, Dexter, NCIS, Drunk History, Sailor Moon, Hello My Twenties, The Walking Dead, Queen of The South, Riverdale, Gilmore Girls, and Sense8 (there are many many more trust me)

Favorite movies: Across the Universe, The Doors, Moulin Rouge, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Mothman Prophecies (I'm a horror movie buff), and ALMOST ALL DISNEY MOVIES TO DATE.

Hobbies include: Knitting (I recently got into this), embroidery, sewing, gardening (plants take up most of my room since I can't have an actual garden), reading (but I think you know that already), thrift shopping (if we become pen pals I will probably send you cute thrift finds mostly trinkets), yoga, journaling (like bullet journals and stuff), taking cute Polaroids of my best friends, fangirling, going to concerts, and petting every dog I see on my morning runs.

Other facts about me: I talk a lot. Like a lot a lot. I have Bipolar Depression. I practice Wicca (still a newbie so all my experienced witches please help). I am not a supporter of Trump but I will not see you differently if you are, just don't try to change my mind.

Okay now for what I'm looking for in a pen pal: I would love someone who is very nice and open about themselves. I am not judgemental at all and I am the definition of an open book. I want to write to someone about our dreams, our fears, our aspirations, anything. I don't care about race, gender, or religion. I would, however, prefer someone close to my age (16-20) I would love someone who would like to receive little zines, samples of washi tape, playlists, and other little things. Lastly, I would love some who would like to exchange books and have discussions about them!!

Thank you so so much for reading all the way to the end! I know I typed a lot! I hope to hear from you soon!

To contact me:

Tumblr: @kellibear.rools

Email: [email protected]

P.s. I hope you will be okay with me calling you babe, sweetie, pumpkin, etc. I mean nothing by it, that's just how i talk. My best friend often says i talk like a grandma.

#pen pal #pen pals #penpal #penpals #pen pals wanted #letters #snail mail #15 to 16 #17 to 18 #19 to 20 #submission

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ficdirectory · 7 years

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The Fosters 4B: Take Two (Until Tomorrow)

Dreaming

That night, Jesus dreams that the whole conversation happens again. Except differently. In it, he guesses she’s pregnant. Reassures her. Says they can raise this baby together. But dream Emma says she had an abortion. When Jesus asks why, he also tells her he’s adopted, and she knows that. And then dream Emma drops the bomb:

“The baby wasn’t yours,” she says. “It was Brandon’s.”

He’s startled awake by a text from actual Emma. He puts on his glasses and reads:

U seemed kinda weird when I left yesterday. Everything ok?

He texts back: Yep. All good. Have fun at school. Then he puts the phone down and stays where he is. Mom’s with Callie at a meeting and Mama’s at ABCC for something. Gabe’s around and Brandon.

But Jesus isn’t planning on needing anything from either of them.

It hits him a bit later.

He’s tired enough to sleep until his phone wakes him up. Chilled out enough to just hang out in bed in the morning.

The new meds are already so much better than the old ones.

Studying

The pill’s not a magic cure, and neither are the glasses. It’s just like Mom said: it’s gonna be hard for a while. Just because his brain can organize letters on a page into words and sentences and paragraphs, that doesn’t mean it’s easy to do. Reading a book is like diving into an ocean of words and knowing he doesn’t have enough oxygen to make it as far as he needs to.

The words on the page are so dense.

Emma’s doing her homework right near him. Which is great, for when he needs help, but annoying because every time she rustles a paper, or sighs, or types, Jesus loses his place.

Then, upstairs, Brandon and Callie start singing.

And Emma chooses that moment to ask what page he’s on:

“Uh, I’m on page 47, and if you ask me again, in an hour, I will probably still be on page 47.” He smiles, because it’s easier to see the humor in this than to get all bent out of shape about it.

Emma smiles back.

Then Mariana comes in, and tells them about some big board meeting happening at ABCC and about how a bunch of them are going to try and save the school from being converted to private. She says Jesus and Emma should both come.

They agree to.

Later on, he tries to confront Brandon about the Emma thing. He asks, point blank, if Brandon’s ever gotten someone pregnant.

Brandon kinda laughs and says no. So Jesus pushes.

“You haven’t?” he tries.

“No. Why?”

“Just wondering…”

But in Jesus’s mind, Brandon’s there, kissing Emma, and Emma’s saying: “Sorry. You’re too dumb for me.”

He believes that Emma was pregnant.

Believes she had an abortion.

But he also believes it’s because of what his subconscious has been telling him all along:

The baby was Brandon’s.

Telling

That night, Jesus decides. He’s got to do the right thing. Tell Moms about what Emma said. They would wanna know, and it’s important.

Also, he’s been trying to piece this together. Looking for a way that Brandon could have known about it but not actually had any...involvement.

Half the time, he’s totally convinced that the baby was Brandon’s and the other half? His mind is full of questions. How else could Brandon be involved? Why wouldn’t Emma just tell him? Why all the secrets...unless she had something to hide?

And just like that, he’d be back to Brandon. And then more questions.

He knocks on Moms’ door.

Tells them Emma got pregnant and then she had an abortion. That he just found out and he thought they should know.

They’re weirdly calm about it all. But then again, compared to head injuries and court cases, a girl exercising her right to choose isn’t exactly major.

“Did Emma tell you?” Mama asks.

“Yeah. Not at first. But...eventually. Yesterday.”

Mom pats the bed and has him sit. Asks him how he’s feeling about all this.

“It feels weird,” he admits.

“Mm-hmm,” Mom says.

“I mean, obviously Ana could’ve had an abortion and--and--and we wouldn’t be here.”

“And we’re so glad she didn’t,” Mom says. “Because we wouldn’t have gotten to know you, and love you, and be your moms.”

Jesus glances at Mama. She’s been quiet.

“Are you?” he checks. “Glad? Because I-I remember that...journal. Where you said...you didn’t...want to...adopt us.”

“Jesus. Of course, I’m glad. I’m glad every day I get to be your mom. But the truth is, that at first, the idea of being a mom was a little bit scary for me. I wasn’t sure I was ready. And instead of writing that, I wrote that I didn’t want to adopt you guys. I was trying to keep you at a distance. I’m so sorry you found that. And read it. And I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you about it, too, when I talked to Mariana.”

“That--wasn’t our fault, though. That you weren’t ready.”

“That’s right. It wasn’t.”

“No one’s ready to be a parent, love. When I had Brandon, I was scared out of my mind. I loved him desperately but I wanted more time, so much more time. I was afraid I wasn’t gonna be a good enough mom to him.”

“But you were,” Jesus points out.

“Right, and over time, I got comfortable parenting him, just like Mama did with you and Mariana. It doesn’t mean she didn’t love you or want you.”

He raises his eyebrows at Mama, to check.

“It doesn’t mean I didn’t love you or want you,” she echoes, moving next to him on the other side. “You and your sister are the greatest gifts life ever gave me. You two made me a mom. You were my first babies.”

“Big babies…” Jesus cracks a smile, thinking of himself and his sister at eight years old. Not exactly newborns like Brandon had been.

“Perfect babies,” Mama counters, kissing his temple.

“I think...I’d be scared to be a dad, too. Um..I said that I would never get into a situation like this...but if--if I did, I wouldn’t…” he trails off. He’s so sad. “But, it’s Emma’s body, so…” he sighs. “I just wish that--that she would’ve told me. Earlier. You know?”

“Yeah,” Mom says.

“Are you gonna talk to her anymore about it?” Mama asks.

“I think...I should wait...until she brings it up…” he decides.

Mom strokes his hair.

He leans into her touch.

Variation

Jesus does show up to the thing at ABCC. Finds Mariana there.

They step aside to where it’s quieter.

“So...how did it go?” he asks. “Therapy. With Ana.”

Mariana’s smile fades. He knows what it looks like when she’s trying too hard, and she’s been trying to hard this whole time. Like, since he got hurt. They’re both just trying to keep it together.

“She denied it.”

He reaches for her hand. Threads their fingers together.

“Made it all about her…”

Squeezes.

“And left…”

Leans into her.

“And I knew she would,” Mariana manages, through tears. “Like...we know her. And that’s what she does when things get messy, or hard or whatever...but it’s what my therapist said to do… I thought I at least should take his advice...since I’m costing Moms a ton of money on top of everything else I’ve done lately.”

“What have you--done lately?”

“The whole Nick thing, taking your pills, you getting hurt…”

“Nick’s thing...and me? Those are on Nick. You taking my pills? Wasn’t smart...but it made sense, Mariana. You were scared.”

She wipes her eyes. “Yeah…but I’m costing them money for therapy that’s not even working. Moms just think I’m manipulating them all the time.”

“Are you?”

“Sometimes…” she admits.

“Because you’re freaked out. Right?” he asks. “And it makes you feel better to think that you have control. Especially when stuff might--go bad. When you might--get hurt.”

“Why can’t you be my therapist?”

“I can,” he smiles. “Where’s my money?”

She laughs. “I’ll pay you in… What do you need more of?”

Love. Acceptance. Patience. Trust.

The words are all in his head but none come out. Jesus shrugs.

“What do you have?” he asks instead.

“Hugs?” she offers, and wraps her arms around him.

“I’ll take those,” he sighs. “I’ll definitely take those.”

Revelation

It’s dark, and Jesus has been at ABCC and its chaotic save the school protest thing for hours. He’s already feeling shaky after seeing Mariana confront Nick’s dad at the front of school.

Hearing him even talk to her knowing how he treated Nick it just makes Jesus feel so powerless. But he stands with Mariana, because he has to protect her. Because they have each other’s back’s. Because they always have.

After that, Jesus has mostly just hung out by himself or with Emma. Mariana basically spearheaded this whole thing so she needs to be everywhere talking to everybody and organizing people.

But it starts getting boring when Emma doesn’t come back after going to talk to some other friends.

When the rain starts, Jesus decides to look for her. It takes forever, but eventually, he spots her talking to Brandon. He just watches from a distance and then hears Brandon say:

“I think Jesus is starting to get suspicious.”

It’s enough to make Jesus walk right up. To feel the anger crackle to life under his skin.

“Did you?” he asks, coming to stand between them, and crowding Brandon back. “Did you know about Emma?”

“What? What about her?” Brandon asks, playing dumb. But he has on that same face as when they were kids. He’s never been a good liar.

“That she was pregnant!” Jesus exclaims.

“Shh! Quiet! Jesus!” Brandon reprimands, all pissy. “Come here. Come on. Stop. Stop,” Brandon walks them off to the side more. Away from people.

Emma doesn’t want everyone at school knowing.

But Brandon could?

“Why did you know?!” Jesus demands. “Why didn’t you-- Why would you tell him?!” He can hardly keep a lid on who he’s yelling at. Both of them. They both have been keeping this from him.

“I didn’t! He--” Emma starts.

“I figured it out,” Brandon finishes. “And--”

“And--and--and--and what, Brandon?!” Jesus insists.

“And--and...I went with her to--” Brandon starts again, but Jesus cuts him off, shocked.

“What? Wait, wait, you… You took Emma to--to get an--an abortion?!” Jesus has got to be still dreaming. Maybe he never woke up this morning and this whole thing has just been a dream.

“She was scared. She needed a friend, and she couldn’t tell you.”

“Why couldn’t she tell me?!” he turns to Emma, “Why couldn’t you tell me? It was mine, too! Emma, why couldn’t you-- Why couldn’t you tell me?” he begs.

“I’m sorry, Jesus. I really am. I just-- I thought that it was for the best,” Emma answers, tearful.

“Best for who?!” he asks.

She doesn’t answer, and the pieces click into place:

“Because...because the baby was his. That’s why you didn’t want to tell me. Because the baby was Brandon’s!”

“Jesus, that--” Brandon starts.

“Guys, come here,” Jude calls. “They’re not gonna let us in, so we’re not gonna let them out!”

Brandon and Emma are distracted for half a second, and that’s all Jesus needs to turn and take off. He has the dark on his side, because he’s not the fastest, and it’s slippery out here. But he needs to get away from them.

From this.

All Jesus can hear, all the way home is Nick’s dad, telling Mariana, “You don’t have a say.”

The words echo in his head.

And they’re true. He didn’t have a say at all, because it wasn’t his baby.

It can’t have been his baby…His own brother wouldn’t have gone behind his back to help Emma abort Jesus’s baby...

He would, though, if it was his own.

And even if Brandon can’t admit it? Jesus knows it’s true.

He can’t tell which possibility is worse. It all runs together like adrenaline and anger and hurt and betrayal.

He keeps running. Doesn’t look back.

Because it’s just like Mariana said:

Running is what they do when things get messy or hard or whatever.

#fic: the fosters 4b take two #fosters fic

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cosmosogler · 7 years

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hi guys. today cleo woke me up before 5 am.

i had fallen asleep sometime after 1 so i was Not Happy. mom asked me what i was doing up and i don’t remember if i actually responded or not. i let the dogs outside. wiley was a hassle to get back inside because it was kind of nice out. then as soon as i closed the door behind me and turned around diogi wanted to go outside, because she hadn’t wanted to go outside ten minutes previously. by the time i herded her over to the grass and blocked her off from wandering around the pool the sun was up.

i went back to sleep even though my body was awake. i think i had craig dreams but they only made me mildly angry. i was mostly frustrated with the people around him. which has been happening in those dreams the last few times i’ve had them over the last, like, year and a half.

then cleo woke me up by shrieking at 8, and also my alarm went off for some ungodly reason. i booted everyone else out of my bed and out of my room and closed the door. then cleo spent the next literal hour rattling my door and howling. i didn’t want to hurt her or anything, but i did want to cry. by the time she went downstairs to wake someone else up my alarm went off again. i slept in an extra 45 minutes despite the rattling starting up again sometime in the last 15 minutes of my “nap.”

i was really too tired to do much today. i caught up on some comics, i watched a lot of not-video-game youtube videos, and i started looking up some resources for group-based activities around town. there was something that looked really cool that meets next tuesday... i think it’s all day, or in the evening, so it won’t conflict with therapy.

i had more pesto leftovers with mom. this time i let her start eating way before me so by the time i sat down her concert of disgusting vomit-inducing mouth noises was almost finished. in hell everyone communicates by chewing with their mouths open. the lip-smacking asmr videos make me want to scream and throw my computer.

i don’t actually, like, go and listen to them or anything. but it’s come up before.

sleep deprivation for this many nights in a row (5 i think? 6?) has reduced my patience level to approximately absolute zero. i was having trouble sleeping all year but the last week has been... something special.

i washed my siblings’ bed sheets today instead of dusting. mom wants me to wash all of the sheets every week. i don’t know if that’s really the most efficient use of our water, considering every advice site i’ve looked at has said something along the lines of “washing your sheets every two weeks is great, but once a month or so is also good.”

maybe there’s no drawbacks to washing your sheets that often. i just don’t know how fast they wear out.

this is bad, but despite telling oz i was too tired to watch a movie, i sat and watched a really long critique of the bbc sherlock show in the late afternoon. i guess part of it was watching something that long by myself i didn’t have to also talk to anyone...

about halfway through i paused to greet my brother and father as they had returned from their mud run, feed the dogs, and get some thai food with mom. i think i hurt myself trying to eat food that was too spicy... i felt really sick afterward and my stomach is still kind of grouchy with me. even though i am also hungry again because i wasn’t actually full when i stopped eating, i just couldn’t deal with my nerves disintegrating any more.

i keep getting spicy food hoping i’ll develop a better tolerance. i’ve got enough of one to tell different kinds of spices apart and appreciate different “flavors” of “OH GOD WHY IT’S SO HOT IT HURTS” and not get that sick. but the legendary Thai Hot seems to be forever out of my range. Double Thai Hot exists only in rumors. i saw jay get Double Thai Hot once. he caught on fire. and also cried.

i really love the soups that this place makes, but mom doesn’t like the very unique flavors so we didn’t get any. i wouldn’t have ordered the most spice that the cook is willing to give white people if we had gotten soup haha...

ehh, i boxed the leftovers for later. it’s not as good reheated, but i have a strong need for pahd thai and one sitting isn’t going to satisfy me.

oh yeah! around lunchtime i went out and blasted the dogs with the hose. i didn’t brush them afterward because there are five dogs and i didn’t want anyone to get sat on trying to get my brush’s attention. i didn’t take anyone to the mail box today though because it was over 100 even after the sun went down. even i didn’t want to walk the 2 minutes over to the mailbox.

and i maybe figured out what i’m gonna do with that gold bottle cap. i’m gonna slap it on a shiny magikarp and ship him off on the wonder trade. since it has a... less helpful nature (but not as bad as the other two) and no good ivs it will benefit the most from a gold bottle cap, which boosts all your stats to the maximum. all of the pokemon i am hyper training only need half their stats boosted. it’s not too hard to get 3 regular bottle caps, it just takes a while, especially if i am not using the fishing hole because i can’t be bothered to split my attention between film theory and watching my 3ds screen for a 1-second alert that i have to react to.

tomorrow... i gotta email my apartment complex or see if i can find the bed size myself so we can do the new sheets and stuff. and i gotta contact my relatives about my graduation party near the end of july. i think it’s the 23rd. and maybe i will check out one of the social activities available this side of town if i can find one that meets on sundays and is also interesting and/or small enough that it won’t be overwhelming. i would also like to maybe finish the owl picture since i have not worked on that in basically a whole week. and i gotta get this grody nail polish off my fingernails. it can stay on my toenails though because it still looks nice and is also maybe hiding a crack from when i accidentally stomped on my own toes while walking wiley.

it’s kind of weird but i make a very specific series of noises when i am hurt. i think being angry and then disappointed helps me get over the fact that it hurts a little more quickly. like when eve or diogi step on me with their claws, or when i bang my shin against a corner, or when i step on my toes and crack the nail. or burn my hands because the sink water is extremely hot for some reason.

i think... maybe tomorrow i will also try to do one thing from my to-do jar for the first time in over a week. i’ve done most of the major dusting so i will probably only need to devote about 5 minutes to that tomorrow. or maybe i could wipe down the window shades since the duster doesn’t do anything but kick up the dirt.

oh, also marisol is getting back in tomorrow evening so i can finally return her angle and hre devil. whiskey is a good boy. he likes to be picked up and cuddled with, and he is also the size of a small floppy pillow. and also he doesn’t SCREAM AT 4:30 IN THE MORNING WHICH IS A GREAT PERK!!!

it’s about 10 minutes early, but i think i am going to stop soon and get ready for bed. maybe i should take the dogs outside so cleo will wake me up at 6 instead of before 5.

one thing that just occurred to me is that i didn’t feel as depressed today. i mean yeah i felt extremely lethargic and nauseous and i had a headache for literally the whole day no matter how much water i drank. but i also just didn’t put much time into thinking about how bad i feel. i think that is about as good as it gets for me. i don’t know if that’s healthy or not though. since it might just be holding them in instead of dealing with them? i can’t tell if i am avoiding my bad feelings or successfully coping with them. tomorrow i might make some oatmeal cookies... our mixes and doughs are starting to creep up to their expiration dates. asher is getting back in about a week, so i will bake the snickerdoodles around that time. i will have to check for nuts in the mix though. like “this product was made in a facility that also processes nuts” or whatever.

i think maybe trying to jump back on the “doing things” wagon will help me go forward again. and maybe find a goal, since my first one of “learn better cognitive skills to deal with incoming anxiety” got smashed with the whole “you’re not working hard to get better” thing. i guess doing things isn’t working hard. but it keeps me in a better mood than not doing things.

i have ranked my goals in order from “short-term” to “realistically attainable at some point in the future when broken into smaller steps” to “life goals” to “optional bonus round.” well, i don’t really have a lot of goals to put into any of those categories, but i feel that it will be a useful ladder to use if i do find some goals to have. maybe that will help me draw a picture of “who i want to be” which will give me some kind of vague idea of what i should look like in the future? what philosophies are important to me? how do i want to treat other people? what do i think about these and these issues and what am i going to do about them?

i will try not to overwhelm myself right away and just kind of pick things up as i walk by them for now. and i will keep doing a few stretches during the day.

maybe, starting on monday or tuesday, i will put some time into trying to feel invested in my writing again. i still remember where a lot of “following that train of thought” needs to happen. after i get everything down for real this time i can start cutting unnecessary things out and making an actual next draft. that’s always the REALLY hard part for me.

i think i could do that on tuesday. ask for some input from my therapist in specifically feeling more interested in things i create.

ok, now it is just after 12:25. i have now made full use of my allotted journal time and i feel like i maybe got somewhere with it which is nice. now i just gotta pick up all these beans and play the lottery.

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