[POEM] PROFANE by Ashe Vernon
- translated in french; for my once-lover
The first time he calls you holy,
La première fois qu'il te dit saint(e),
you laugh it back so hard your sides hurt.
tu ris si fort que tes côtes te font mal.
The second time,
La seconde fois,
you moan gospel around his fingers
tu gémis du gospel autour de ses doigts
between your teeth.
entre tes dents.
He has always surprised
Il t'as toujours surpris(e)
you into surprising yourself.
en te faisant te surprendre toi-même.
Because he’s an angel hiding his halo
Car il est un ange cachant son auréole
behind his back and
derrière son dos et
nothing has ever felt so filthy
rien n'a jamais été aussi sale
as plucking the wings from his shoulders—
que cueillir les ailes de ses épaules—
undressing his softness
déshabiller sa douceur
one feather at a time.
une plume à la fois.
God, if you’re out there,
Dieu, si tu es là,
if you’re listening,
si tu écoutes,
he fucks like a seraphim,
il baise comme un séraphin,
and there’s no part of scripture
et il n'y a aucune écriture
that ever prepared you for his hands.
qui t'ai jamais préparé à ses mains.
Hands that map a communion
Des mains qui dessinent une communion
in the cradle of your hips.
dans le berceau de tes hanches.
Hands that kiss hymns up your sides.
Des mains qui embrassent des hymnes sur tes côtes.
He confesses how long he’s looked
Il confesse combien de temps il a cherché
for a place to worship and,
un endroit pour vénérer et,
oh,
oh,
you put him on his knees.
tu le mets à genoux.
When he sinks to the floor and moans
Quand il glisse au sol et gémis
like he can’t help himself,
comme si il ne pouvait s'en empêcher,
you wonder if the other angels
tu te demandes si les autres anges
fell so sweet.
sont tombé si doucement.
He says his prayers between your thighs
Il dit ses prières entre tes cuisses
and you dig your heels into the base of his spine
et tu enfonce tes chevilles à la base de son dos
until he blushes the color of your filthy tongue.
jusqu'à ce qu'il rougisse de la couleur de ta langue sale.
You will ruin him and he will thank you;
Tu le détruira et il te remerciera;
he will say please.
il dira s'il te plaît.
No damnation ever looked as cozy as this,
Aucune damnation n'a jamais eu l'air aussi comfortable que cela,
but you fit over his hips like they
mais tu tiens sur ses hanches comme si elles
were made for you.
étaient faites pour toi.
You fit, you fit, you fit.
Tu tiens, tu tiens, tu tiens.
On top of him, you are an ancient god
Au dessus de lui, tu es un ancien dieu
that only he remembers and he
dont il est le seul à se souvenir et il
offers up his skin.
t'offre sa peau.
And you take it.
Et tu la prends.
Who knew sacrifice was so profane?
Qui aurait su qu'un sacrifice était si profane?
And once you’ve taught him how to hold
Et quand tu lui auras appris comment tenir
your throat in one hand
ta gorge dans une main
and your heart in the other,
et ton cœur dans l'autre,
you will have forgotten every other word,
tu auras oublié tous les autres mots,
except his name.
excepté son nom.
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lead balloon (the tumblr post that saved me)
if this comic resonated with you, it would mean the world to me if you donated to this palestinian family's escape fund.
--
no creative notes because this isn't that kind of comic.
I know I don’t owe any of you anything but I still felt compelled to write about my long term absence. And I feel far enough away from the dangerous spot I was in to be able to make this comic. I have a therapist now, and she agreed that making this could be a very cathartic gesture, and the start of properly leaving these thoughts behind me. I am still, at seemingly random times, blindsided by fleeting desires to kill myself. They’re always passing urges, but it’s disarming, and uncomfortable. I worry sometimes that my brain’s spent so long thinking only about suicide that it’s forgotten how to think about anything else. Like, now that I've opened that door for myself, I'll never be able to fully shut it again. But I’m trying my best to encourage my mind in other directions. We'll see how that goes.
I am still donating all proceeds from my store to Palestinian causes. So far, I've donated over $15K, not including donations coming from my own pocket or the fundraising streams which jointly raised around $10K. In the time since I made my initial post about where this money would be going, the focus has shifted from aid organisations to directly donating to escape funds.
If you'd like to do the same, you can look at Operation Olive Branch, which hosts hundreds of Palestinian escape funds or donate to Safebow, which has helped facilitate the safe crossing and securing of important medical procedures for over 150 at-risk palestinians since the beginning of the genocide.
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for whoever needs to hear this:
starting HRT doesn't have to be a huge momentous all-or-nothing decision. you can just try it like you would an antidepressant you've been informed of the risks of.
there won't be any immediate irreversible changes overnight. you can always stop, change your dose, change your delivery system, decide it's not the right time. you can even microdose if you want to.
you don't have to tell anyone. you don't have to announce it if you don't want to.
stop waiting for a perfect time in your life because it won't come.
stop waiting to reach a mythical level of certainty that never comes to anyone, for anything.
you've been thinking about it long enough. if you have the opportunity, just give it a shot. you're worth the courage it takes to make a change in your life.
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