#it would be my worst nightmare if this comic encouraged someone to hurt themselves | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

stil-lindigo · 13 days

Text

lead balloon (the tumblr post that saved me)

if this comic resonated with you, it would mean the world to me if you donated to this palestinian family's escape fund.

no creative notes because this isn't that kind of comic.

I know I don’t owe any of you anything but I still felt compelled to write about my long term absence. And I feel far enough away from the dangerous spot I was in to be able to make this comic. I have a therapist now, and she agreed that making this could be a very cathartic gesture, and the start of properly leaving these thoughts behind me. I am still, at seemingly random times, blindsided by fleeting desires to kill myself. They’re always passing urges, but it’s disarming, and uncomfortable. I worry sometimes that my brain’s spent so long thinking only about suicide that it’s forgotten how to think about anything else. Like, now that I've opened that door for myself, I'll never be able to fully shut it again. But I’m trying my best to encourage my mind in other directions. We'll see how that goes.

I am still donating all proceeds from my store to Palestinian causes. So far, I've donated over $15K, not including donations coming from my own pocket or the fundraising streams which jointly raised around $10K. In the time since I made my initial post about where this money would be going, the focus has shifted from aid organisations to directly donating to escape funds.

If you'd like to do the same, you can look at Operation Olive Branch, which hosts hundreds of Palestinian escape funds or donate to Safebow, which has helped facilitate the safe crossing and securing of important medical procedures for over 150 at-risk palestinians since the beginning of the genocide.

#cw: suicidal ideation #cw: suicide #cw: self harm #cw: mental health #cw: depression #i made the balloon the main representation of my self destructive urges for a reason but im not going to explain it #i tried to keep a lot of the details in this vague #it would be my worst nightmare if this comic encouraged someone to hurt themselves #so. please dont #for a long time even the thought of making this comic felt so insipid and narcissistic #with the state of the world as it is #having the only threat to your life be yourself felt so privileged and trite and shameful #but doing this comic made me sit down and process things in full #and im just. very grateful i didn't give in to my thoughts back when i sincerely felt i'd be more useful to the world dead #i also feel the need to say that this wont represent everyone's battle with mental illness. its unfortunately different for all of us #there is no fix-all #and im afraid this might be one of those comics that either resonates a lot or misses the target by a mile #i made it for myself foremost. and now that its done im glad i did it #thank you for reading #and please stay alive #stillindigo art #stillindigo comics

14K notes · View notes

ideahat-universe · 7 years

Video

youtube

So it’s come to this. Unlike the Critic I don’t relish talking about Spoony because Spoony brought me so much entertainment. I am one of those users who feel really sad about Spoony’s downfall. I objectively liked him the most out of the Channel Awesome crew and I did indeed put up with his behavior which from the very beginning with his FF8 review I considered to be very bullish and caustic and no. I don’t believe that Lupa didn’t conspire with Scarlet. It’s a guarantee that she did.

Scarlet was a dragon and not the good kind. What I want to know is what Lupa got out of it? Was it jealously? Does she not like Spoony’s style? Or is she a bitch? Well I don’t know those things for certain I do know that she’s basically unwatchable and is worse than Phelous who is so painfully fake in his videos that it hurts to even hear him emote for the camera. So for her to get one of the best users canned from Channel Awesome over what was a mundane comment from him that had nothing to do with her on a month old post is some incredible bullshit. I would just fume.

I owe a lot to Spoony. The Ultima Saga is not only an amazing series that far outshines the final fantasy reviews but it’s a great work of philosophy (even the degradation it faces near the end of the series has some philosophical merit to it).

You want to know how deep the rabbit holes go for me? I became a DnD player because of Spoony. I loved the Counter Monkey stories. My favorites are the Thief’s world two parter and the story about Tandem the Spoony’s run in with the Alice and Wonderland monsters.

In the last year I found Roll20 and after a couple campaigns I have to be honest. I almost love it as much as video games. Maybe even more because I get to call all the shots, it’s just not as flashy.

On top of that I turned the homebrew rules that I created for our games into applications so I and anyone that plays with me can have an easy way to create a character and just jump right in!

It’s a lot of fun and I wouldn’t have considered doing that if it wasn’t for him. It’s such a damn shame that he has walled himself off from the world and spends time ranting about Trump and cosplaying as his dog which I don’t think is okay. Dogs have their own personalities and identities. Pretending to be them is impersonation and it’s kind of creepy if you really go deep into the persona.

Spoony is romanticizing his dog. Does that clear things up?

Okay, so the old document I had about Spoony focused on what was starting to wear him out which was his own popularity as it so happens. I go into a deep dive on how fanbase are only a facilimie of an actual friend and if you can’t control or understand where the line is on a fanbase they can hurt you and while I don’t think that applies as much to Spoony as I thought I do believe it’s true for many other things *Cough*StevenUniverse!*Cough* I don’t believe it’s true for Spoony. I think at the end of the day we were actually too loyal to him but Spoony is an adult and should have figured out what his limits are. All he had to do was admit that he didn’t want to review final fantasy, he should have just admitted that he didn’t plan on making a movie, he should have just admitted that it’s too difficult to have a high production value for these silly reviews and do it all alone, and he should just admit that Miles made a mistake and you forgive him for that because he’s your brother and you love him.

He could have if he was a better man. But he’s not. He never was and that’s the worst part. He put on shoes that he couldn’t fit and laced them around his ankles. He’s lost the strength to lift the heels and he’s stuck forever in that pair until the inevitable happens.....

Noah Antwiler and the Spoony experiment

So often do we strive for greatness. In the wake of the internet, thousands of people have done whatever they can to have the sort of popularity where the only glory you get is saying that people like you for something that in all honesty; isn't really that incredible an action. Animators toil on flash, artists churn out web comics and drawings, Musicians sing songs and play music, and writers write. All are endeavors that are worthwhile to expand upon and if the internet helps you then so be it. But the power of popularity is very dastardly despite the hordes of people who pine for it. Will you create for expression? Are you gunning for a contract to pay the bills and finance an expensive dream? Or are you just a regular person who had power thrust upon them and you have no way of handling it?

Power corrupts the weak and emboldens the wicked. And for some. It simply crushes them. It seems like cowardice to be afraid of popularity or worried about how a community can control you but there’s an argument to be made for the tyranny of fandom.

Fans are truly a neutral force. Without them you could very well be nothing. If you were interested in fame or fortune or even popularity you need them. They make you exist. And yet. They are the worst people to listen to and put your faith in. They will corrupt your mind with their desires. They will berate you for doing something they disapprove of. They will thrust change upon you while simultaneously disliking all that is different. It is odd. For these fans love you. Or at least. That is what they say. They do become attached to you. But they do not love you. As terrible as it sounds. What is a fan truly?

Fan: A person who has a strong interest in or admiration for a particular sport, art or entertainment form, or famous person.

That sounds endearing doesn't it? And yet it isn't really. It is very fickle and destructive. A few devoted fans are quaint and nice and you can acknowledge and like a few fans. But once the numbers become unruly and large fans devolve from individuals that like your work to an amorphous creature that wants to control you. It is two faced and wicked. Hurting you and then praising you in the same breath. Its words become emptier the larger it gets and it seems more thoughtless and monstrous as it progresses. It manages to fight itself over nothing and then take the fight to you regardless of its importance.

Considering oneself as a fan has become a taboo to the conservative and careful. But being a fan is nothing bad. However there is something to the admiration that I find is rarely established.

Love consumes. That sounds disturbing and a bit rude but it does in a way. When you love someone you take on a bit of them and they become a bit of you. Hopefully you will prosper from this and you will grow and be happier for it. But that is love between two people. What happens when you love a thing that is not real? That can never be a person? Madness. You will succumb to madness pure and simple. I do not mean that in some endearing farcical way in which you take pride for an aloof behavior. When you let an object consume you. You will lose yourself. It cannot truly give anything back to you. And you cannot truly give anything to it. The creators decide the fate of the creation and to them it is valuable and in some ways a boon to themselves and their minds. But for you it's just an object to be perceived. When you get caught up in something you cannot affect or control it warps you. You fight for its rights. You defend it against all competitors zealously. You get despondent with it while still feeling some attachment to it. You find yourself caring deeply for it. That is the nightmare of every artist.

You have to be a powerful person to handle such a burden. Noah Antwiler is not powerful. He is a rather modest person. Not in personality. But the core of who he is isn't really someone who intends to have fans who think highly of him. Does he appreciate having fans? Yes but it's not love. Its tolerance and acceptance. He was just a simple YouTube reviewer who wanted to get into some riffing. Wrote articles here and there. He was just normal. He wasn't shaping to be anyone special and it was probably for the best. But popularity was thrust upon him. He became popular. And he was met at the crossroads. Make this work for him. Or refuse the call. He took the power and put the Spoony Experiment into full swing.

His attempts at collaborating and interacting with other reviewers show that he at least appreciates the virtues of networking. His work started out extremely modest but due to the desires to evolve and grow. He, acknowledging his inner artist and the call for power, expands the reviews and his technique. Granting them stories. Adding in skits. Becoming actor, writer, riffer, and reviewer all at once. It's something he enjoys doing. And yet. It seems to be eating him away. He wouldn't be the first person to suffer from turning an ability into a job. But I do not think Noah will last long like this.

I will come out and say it. This power was not meant for him. He cannot handle the demands. His body is weak and needs peace. The levels he has pushed himself for his craft, and the expectations of his fans and the demands they thrust upon him may make Noah's life very short. Don't get me wrong. I really enjoy Noah’s work. He brings me a lot of entertainment and laughter. But I care more about his well being and he isn't well. I'll get along just fine without the Spoony Experiment. But I’d hate to feel as if he pushed himself over the edge because I liked him a little too much for my own good.

It's his life though. Ultimately he can decide his own fate and we as fans can't really encourage him to do anything. It's not our right. To his friends and family Spoony is a person. But to us Spoony is no different than Sponge bob Square pants or Shrek. Just an object for which we show devotion through money and attention.

It's not worth it. The power isn't worth it. Let go of the power and seek peace. End the experiment and return to what you was before. It won't be a fantastic or glamorous life, but you may find happiness.

#Spoony #noah antwiler #channel awesome #d&d #dungeons and dragons #homebrew

1 note · View note