#internalized aphobia
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Tip for anyone who's worried about if they're "actually" ace or if they're just a late bloomer:
I was a late bloomer. I didn't really develop my sexuality until I was already an adult, and I identified as asexual for years before that. When I realized I wasn't, I just stopped using the ace label. No harm done to me or anyone else. Calling myself asexual served me perfectly well until it didn't fit anymore.
Similarly, if you go ahead and call yourself ace even if you're not sure if you're just a late bloomer or not, nothing's stopping you from going "oh okay" if you suddenly start to feel sexual attraction. It's okay, I promise.
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ace (with ocd) culture is always having a karen in your head asking you the same questions a real life karen would: "how can you be sure if you've never tried it? maybe you just need to meet the right person. are you sure you're not just being shy? childish? is asexuality even a real thing?" and ALSO having a little demon in your head that constantly tells you that you're attracted to your friends and you're lying to everyone about your asexuality
#ace culture is#ace culture#asexual#asexuality#actually ace#submission#acephobia#aphobia#internalized acephobia#internalized aphobia#ocd ace#hey listen i get it#if you want to try it that's great#and if you don't... you don't have to#you never have to try something if you know you don't like it#(also here's a secret)#(If you find out you like it that doesn't make you any less ace)
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I do not want to get married. I acknowledge that equal marriage rights are incredibly valuable for a multitude of reasons and that the fight for marriage equality is nowhere near over (disabled people being unable to get married at risk of losing their benefits comes to mind). But I do not want to get married.
I am however deeply frustrated by the complete lack of legal rights that exist outside of marriage. My next of kin will forever be my parents and siblings, no matter how much of my life has been devoted to a chosen family. They will have first rights in legal, medical, and even funerary decisions. And don't get me wrong, I am close with my blood family, but I ache at the thought that some of the most important people in my life will never "count" by these metrics. If I'm hospitalized, they won't even be allowed in the room.
Legal care of kinship only applies to children with insufficient guardianship (this is where a godparent or friend or neighbor can serve as a substitute guardian, basically). I as an adult can't get my friends to legally adopt me (also that would be a little weird). At best, I can list them as an emergency contact and hope. Why am I not allowed to sign a piece of paper saying these people are loved and trusted and should be recognized as such.
#aromantic#aro#aspec stuff#i feel like i'm doomed to be a floating statistic as far as the government is concerned#why are we only allowed to be connected to our spouses and our children#why do we keep pretending no one else matters#i shouldn't NEED to get married for tax benefits#internalized aphobia#amatonormativity#in case you still thought aspecs aren't oppressed
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Sometimes i feel like a bad representation of aroace-ness
Because our community has tried so hard to not be seen as loveless, people avoidant, robots with no empathy or social skills
But then i enter the ring with the steel chair as anaffectionate, low empathy, and loveless. I don't feel any sort of affection or empathy towards the people around me and do not want to enter any sort of relationship: platonic, queerplatonic, or otherwise
Submitted 10/02/24
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Please, aro, ace, aroace and all aspec people:
We are not broken.
Please, choose today to stop hating yourself, to start being consciously accepting of who you are. Who all of us are.
Every time I see a post from an aspec person saying that they're broken, that they hate themselves for being aspec, that they wish they could change their orientation... it hurts.
You cannot hate yourself into being someone other than who you are. Your only options are:
1. Be aspec and hate yourself
2. Be aspec and don't hate yourself
There is no secret third option.
I'm generally unbothered by aphobia and amatonormativity when it comes from people who aren't aspec. They generally don't know what they're talking about. But when it comes from someone like me, saying that people like us are broken and worthy of hate, it hurts. Some part of me thinks "well it must be true then." I'm old and wrinkly enough to know that voice should be ignored, but it's still there.
I know people struggle with their sexuality and want to share the burden, I get that. I just wish we could couch it in less destructive terms. "I'm confused". "I'm sad". "I feel left out". "I'm worried about the future". "I don't feel accepted". "I don't like being a minority". Not "I hate myself and I feel like I'm broken".
Because you're talking about all of us.
#asexual#ace#asexual spectrum#aromantic#aro#aromantic spectrum#aroace#aroace spectrum#ace spec#aro spec#aroace spec#aspec#internalised aphobia#aphobia#internalized aphobia
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im on the aroace spectrum and im realizing i have a lot of internalized shit about it. i, firstly, dont want to be on the spectrum at all. i could handle being ace, especially since im sex favourable. it was easy to ignore the fact no one would ever be attractive in that way to me. but. figuring out im on the aro spectrum kind sent me spiraling. in fact, i often try my best to ignore it. for many years at this point. i dont wanna be aro, i want to genuinely have a romantic connection with someone. the idea of qpr fundamentally doesnt interest me. but its also like. the very few aroace (or just ace, just aro) characters i see never look like me. in the sense of, theyre usually sex repulsed (or have no interest), they usually have no desire for a romantic relationship. and then i go online and i see the overwhelming majority also like that. which, i cannot understate this, is perfectly good and im glad you guys have found community. i just often feel like a freak of both worlds. too aroace for non aroaces and too 'non' aroace for aroaces.
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heart to heart #12
sometimes i feel like i have more in common with cishet acespecs than i do with allo queer people. its just.. so much in the lgbtq+ community revolves around sex. and i'm not saying it shouldn't be that way! sex and sexuality are a vital, integral part of what it means to be queer for many, many people, and it certainly should be celebrated instead of stigmatized. but i just... don't relate, like, at all. and it makes it hard for me to connect with other bisexuals, lesbians, and queer people in general, unless they're also acespec. it makes me feel like an outsider, or like i'm doing 'being queer' wrong.
#og post#heart to heart#gray ace#aceflux#ace#acespec#queer#internalized aphobia#bi#lesbian#mspec#bi lesbian#mspec lesbian#genderqueer#genderfluid#lgbt#lgbtq#lgbtq+#asexual#gray asexual#graysexual#bisexual#inclusionist#alienation#multigender
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Even though I'm on the aroace spectrum I always feel uncomfortable saying I am since I'm not "fully". I'm either asexual or demisexual and I'm demiromantic, therfore I fall on the aroace spectrum. But since I'm omniromantic and polyamarous it feels like I'm lying. 😭
#aroace#arospec#acespec#omniromantic#asexual#demisexual#demiromantic#polyamourous#internalized aphobia#i'm working on it
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TW: vent art/internalized aphobia
Today urged me to quickly sketch a mini comic, featuring a broken Cake/Cade and Rainbow Jack. Sort of like a role reversal?
This is only a quick vent art, so no fancy shading or anything. Also, Cake is all white to represent feeling broken and alone, as well as to reflect my own feelings.
#tw vent#vent art#internalized aphobia#laughing jack#rainbow laughing jack#laughing jack creepypasta#lj#cake topper#clown#clown oc#creeps au#creeps oc#mini comic#sketch#my art 2024
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Prompt #636
Headmate A is aroallo, and Headmate B is alloace. Both are attracted to the same person, but are worried that the attraction they lack might be a deal-breaker for this person, so they decide to try to team up and "make up" for each other's lack of attraction by pretending to be a single, completely allo headmate.
#plural system#pluralgang#plurality#pluralprompt#prompt blog#prompt#angst#pre partnership#pining#aro#ace#I'm pretty sure I had some kind of tag for this but what was it...?#like for queer stuff I mean#aroallo#alloace#internalized aphobia#update: found the tag#lgbtq+
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This makes me feel super selfish, but sometimes I wish I was allo and had a romantic relationship just so I would be someone's first priority...
Submitted June 14, 2023
#aromantic#asexual#aroace#aspec#aro#ace#arospec#acespec#arose#amatonormativity#internalized aphobia#internalized arophobia
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ace culture is always doubting if you actually are ace because you are "too young" (you are not) and always have the thought of "mehbe i'm a late bloomer" even though you ABSOLUTELY hate even talking about things with sexual connotations
#asexuality#asexual#ace culture#ace culture is#actually ace#anonymous#internalized acephobia#internalized aphobia
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i hate being broken why can't i be normal and be interested in sex/romantic relationships like everyone else why did i have to be a freak
#meowing#aspec tag#aphobia#aro#aromantic#ace#asexual#queer#lgbt#lgbtqia#lgbt+#lgbtqia+#acespec#arospec#aroace#aromantic asexual#aspec#internalized aphobia
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I’m aroace, and I don’t care much about the Hazbin Hotel Shipping Discourse. It is what it is.
What I DO care about: the fact that some aroace kids might see the show, google some terms, and maybe not hate themselves at age 30 the way I do today.
I can’t shake the compulsory allonormativity from my brain. I’ll always feel like a loser and a failure because I’m single. But maybe zoomers will fare better than I did. I hope so.
Submitted 22/03/24
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20230408
So, it’s been a hot minute.
Today I wanna rant a bit about sexuality, because that’s what’s been on my mind in the last couple days. (Warning: long post)
(Also, there’s a bit about a bad relationship I had, nothing graphic, and I wouldn’t call it abusive, just some misunderstandings and hurt feelings, but let me know if I should put a tw.)
Let me just start this whole thing by saying that growing up I believed myself to be straight (I feel like it’s also worth mentioning that I come from a historically very homophobic country, I was like 13 when I first realized that queer people actually exist). I don’t remember having any crushes in my early childhood like how people say that they had crushes on cartoon characters, but by the age of 12 I discovered fandoms and I started becoming obsessed with certain actors and singers.
I don’t know if this is embarrassing or not, but I can’t say that I grew out of my celebrity obsession phase until around my late teen years. As time went on my classmates and my friends kept getting into relationships and for the life of me I could not understand why you’d wanna date our classmate Gary when he’s not Andrew Garfield. I kind of felt like an alien sometimes and not in a fun way. Looking back I do think I was a bit overdramatic (as teenagers usually are), but I did feel very isolated and I kept thinking that something was fundamentally wrong with me cause I did not like the things my peers did.
(I did occassionally have some fleeting crushes on boys from my school, mostly on friends but those usually passed in like a week)
I remember one time (around the age of 17) I was talking to a girl from my school and the topic somehow came up and I told her that I’ve never been in love with a real person, only fictional characters or actors 20 years older than me and she kind of jokingly called me childish. Although now I realize that she most likely wasn’t trying to be mean I remember feeling really embarrassed and hurt.
Ironically a few months after this conversation one of my (at the time) best friends confessed to me and I felt like I kinda had some feelings for him as well, so we started dating. The first few months of the relationship were really nice we spent a lot of time together and I was genuinely sad when we were apart. I did feel like I was in love with him.
A few things however became apparent early on in the relationship. One of which was the simple fact that I did not want to have sex with him. We were both virgins and when I told him I’m not sure I’m ready, he said that he totally understands and he won’t force me to do anything I don’t want to do. After like 6 months we started having more and more problems. I remember one time we were having a conversation about sex, mainly that he really wanted it. I know now that it’s partly my fault for not communicating my own feelings clearly but in my defense I didn’t really understand them myself. I just knew that the thought of sex made me very uneasy and I couldn’t really imagine myself in that situation.
One thing I could articulate was the fear of getting pregnant (which was a genuine fear of mine, but deep down I knew it was only one aspect of the whole thing) and that’s what I told him. This turned out to be a mistake because he started coming up with reasons as to why my fear was irrational and listing contraceptive methods (as if I didn’t know that condoms existed). I started crying because I couldn’t handle the amount of pressure I suddenly found myself under which made him upset and he started saying things like he thought that we could talk about stuff like this and this made me feel even worse, like I was letting him down.
Obviously I don’t want to blame him and he had his own mental health struggles. I remember he used to tell me that I was the only person in the entire world who loved him and the only happiness he ever felt was when he was with me, when we were apart he was so depressed that he couldn’t function at all. I guess he thought that this would sound romantic but it just deeply scared me.
After a year of dating I eventually broke up with him, mostly because I felt inadequate at helping him overcome his depression and ptsd and spending time with him started feeling like a chore rather than a thing that I actually enjoyed doing. While we were in the process of breaking up he told me that he regrets never sleeping with me because the hormones released during sex help build a connection and I remember feeling really weirded out about that. The whole thing was especially hard on my part because I felt like falling out of love was my fault and obviously he was upset to the point where he literally quoted Green Day’s song “Nice guys finish last” on me which to this day makes me cringe.
I hate to admit this but I still feel kind of guilty about breaking up with him when I think about it, but I felt that it would be cruel to keep him in the dark and pretend that everything was alright when in reality I didn’t love him anymore.
Another interesting thing is that I had my first kiss with him and to this day he’s the only person I ever kissed. I am aware that this kind of makes my judgement questionable, because I don’t have anything to compare it to, so he could just be a bad kisser but I kind of hated kissing him. I rarely initiated making out because whenever we did I felt weird. Sometimes I could tolerate it, but mostly it just felt kind of gross and it didn’t really do anything for me. I know that he noticed this, along with the fact that I never let him kiss me in public, or in front of our friends and he told me once that it bothered him that I “never acted like his girlfriend” in public. I kind of knew that this was unusal but I really couldn’t help it, I felt like I’d rather die than engage in any form of PDA because the thought just made me incredibly uncomfortable, but I knew that this wasn’t because of him, just the general idea of others seeing me like that bothered me.
And this is how we get to the sexuality part. It’s been almost 2 years since we broke up and in the last year I’ve been kind of connecting some dots and I read a lot about different identities and other people’s experiences. I still kind of say that I’m questioning, but I find that I resonate a lot with ace folks’ stories and came to the conclusion that I might be somewhere on the asexual spectrum.
So I just started kind of accepting the fact that I may not have all the gears in the big scheme of attraction, but in the last few days I’ve been sent into a romantic attraction crisis as well. I’ve been saying to myself that it’s okay if I’m asexual, because I can still feel romantic attraction and will eventually fall in love with someone who will accept me for who I am. I’ve always been a hopeless romantic, I’ve read hoards of fanfics about my fave characters over the last like 7 years, it’s one of my favorite hobbies. But I started to realize that I don’t care much for romantic relationships in my own life.
When I think about it, I realize that I’ve always been this way. I remember my mother (oh boi I could talk about her for hours as well) telling me as a young teenager that I was too closed off, “like an ice queen” and I needed to be more approachable if I wanted boys to like me. But I don’t think I actually wanted them to like me. I only wanted to be liked by boys because I felt left out, and embarrassed that I was the only one of my friends who didn’t get a Valentine’s from a secret admirer.
One of my closest friends got engaged last summer and she’s been telling me about the wedding preparations and how she wants everything to be, and that also made me realize that I’ve never thought about what kind of wedding I’d want, not even as a child. I have two other friends who are also in committed relationships and they too talk a lot about marriage and having kids in the near future and I feel so disconnected from them.
I still meet with my old friends from high school sometimes and some of them always ask me if I have anyone I’m talking to at the moment and I always just say no, and they always look at me with pity and I don’t know how to explain to them that I’m perfectly fine this way. I’ve noticed that people seem to accept the concept of a single person longing to be in a relationship and actively putting in effort to find someone, but they simply can’t wrap their heads around the fact that someone might not want to be in a relationship at all?
Whenever I tried to explain this to people before I was always hit with “you’re too young/haven’t found the right person yet/you’ll change your mind” and these always make me question myself and feel bad about myself.
But to close this on a hopeful note I do believe that it doesn’t really matter. Right now I feel like the asexual-aromantic spectrum resonates with me and if I do turn out to be “too young to know” and I eventually “find the right one” then I’ll do that. And it’s not gonna be a big deal at all.
So yeah, that’s about it for today. If you stumbled upon this nonsense and had the brainpower to read it congrats and thank you! And if you’re aspec and want to share your experience with me, go ahead I’d love to read it! 💜 🖤 🤍 💚
Stay rad!
#asexual#asexual spectrum#aromantic#aroace#questioning#why is attraction so difficult#i just wanna read my fanfics in peace#and eat cake#queer#ranting#vent#long post#past relationship mention#internalized aphobia#am i asexual#am i aromantic#the world may never know#no bitches lol#side blog
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nobody told me that truly accepting myself as aromantic and combating internalize aphobia would actually be HARD…. its rude
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