#ignore me im just venting my frustration with this whole thing | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thestarsarebrightertonight · 16 days

Text

Lucky Girl Syndrome!! / theodore nott x fem reader

playlist : lucky girl syndrome - illit

summary : y/n has always been just a lucky person , in her acedemics , looks , friends , family and even in her general day to day. however she wasnt so fortunate when it came to her love life...but maybe it wasnt luck chasing love away , but instead someone close to her?

y/n , slytherin reader , fluff , swearing , arguing , jealous theo, anrgy theo and reader

a/n - as an extremely unlucky person- this fic gave me inner peace LMAOO

thats that me espresso! (another theo fic)

you walked happily though the halls , narrowly missing a prank set up by the weasley twins as their failed trick of a water bucket soaked them and left you completely dry. how lucky!

"i swear there is something wrong with that girl like she has some kind of force feild!" george sighed in frustration , their 3rd prank of the week failing to actually get you.

"God has favourites georgie, he has favourites ," fred patted georges back as they both sulked away to dry their now drenched clothes.

of course you were olbivous to the whole thing! your stroll down the hallway continued , the sun hitting your face in just the right way as you reached the great hall , practically skipping to the slytherin table.

"hi guys!" you exclaimed excited as you sat down at just the right time to ignore the apple that had just come flying at your head.

hearing the apple crash to the ground you turned again , confused seeing the apple roll around on the ground.

"shit , sorry y/n i was aiming for harry but he dodged!" ron shouted apologetically across the room.

"dont worry r-" you started until you were interuppted by your best friend theo besides you, who held a cold glare at ron.

"do that again and it wont be an apple flying at your head weasley!" theodore shouted at him as ron awkwardly looked away.

"dont theo , it was an accident," you said putting a hand on his arm as he immediatly softened.

"youre too kind y/n you shouldve been in hufflepuff," pansy said with a sigh.

"green suits me more," you smiled at pansy as she giggled ,"besides i can be quite mean when i want to be."

"youre not wrong about that , you nearly broke my ribs with that bludger in quidditch!" draco complained , still not letting go of a quidditch incident from 2nd year.

"draco i really wish you would get over that , it was my first match i was nervous and thought you were on the other team," you sighed starting to eat your food.

draco grumbled in response until the whole table turned around to look at something behind you, in confusion you turned too and saw a ravenclaw boy in your year.

"hi y/n i was just wondering if maybe you would-" the boy , named david, started to speak until catching his eye on something besides you. waiting for him to carry on he instead shuddered with fear and backed away instantly , practically running back to the ravenclaw table.

"david!" you tried to call after him , but instead he walked faster , sitting himself down and avoiding eye contact at all costs.

"the fuck? what...what did i do?" you asked your friends frantically , knowing that he intended to ask you out before he suddenly stopped.

"you didnt do anything sweet y/n ," matheo started before shifting his eyes to theodore next to you, "maybe a greater force got in the way?"

confused by his choice of words you looked back at david , a look he didnt return. in frustration you held your head in your hands and groaned , "im so unlucky!"

"i wouldnt say that," blaise scoffed as the whole friendgroup nodded , knowing luck was not your lack.

"no i mean unlucky in love! david was clearly going to ask me out but just like the gryffindor from last week he couldnt even finish his scentence and ran!" you sighed , venting your anger to your friends.

"yeah well you can do much better," theodore remarked in a cold tone , his eyes still peircing where a shaking david sat. as you watched theodore stare and david cower , everything seemed to click into place.

"theodore!" you snapped at him , making him finally turn and look at you , "yknow sometimes i think that you drive them away!"

"you think!" lorenzo scoffed as pansy smacked him on the arm , quickly shutting him up.

"i havent done anything, its not my fault he ran off , what could i have done?!" theodore argued back as the rest of your friend group watched him in disbelief , knowing he drove david , the guy from gryffindor and every guy ever, away.

you scoffed ,"oh really so you didnt death stare him? he clearly looked at you before running!"

"wow i didnt know you would get so touchy about david the ravenclaw!" he said in a mocking tone as you both seethed with anger.

"read the room theodore for fucks sake! maybe i do want to go on a date , maybe i wouldve said yes! i didnt notice at first , how every guy just bolted as soon as he looked at some mysterious thing next to me , now i realise it was you probably doing a cut throat gesture!" , you ranted at theodore as draco tried to hold in his laugh.

"maybe he had an epiphany about you or something!" theodore tried to argue back , all of you knowing he couldnt really deny anything you said , it was all true.

"what- you think its me driving them away? stay out of my love life theo its none of your fucking business!" you harshly shouted your final remark before getting up from the table and stomping out of the great hall.

"there goes that mean streak i was just talking about," draco mutters , shaking his head and continuing to eat his food.

the table sat in silence for a few second before mattheo spoke up again, "you kinda deserved that."

"fuck off!" theodore snapped as he jumped up and strode after you , and out the great hall.

----

walking into your dormroom you threw your robe off of you and loosened your tie , trying to lose some of the heat from your argument.

pacing the room your thoughts were interrupted as the door burst open , theodore walking in and standing in front of you , keeping a fair distance as you stared back at him.

"what do you want now theo!! do you want to control my friendships? maybe throw a glare and a threat at enzo and draco and maybe they'll stop talking to me aswell!" you shouted at him loudly now, as venom dripped from your words.

he stepped towards you quickly , as you tried to back away- he grabbed the sides of your face delicatly.

"i want you," he said , his voice just above a whisper as your heart burst into flames , the heat dispersing itself across your cheeks.

"d-.. theo dont say thing you dont- that you know you dont mean," you said avoiding his gaze , shaking your head as your voice had dropped to an insecure mumble.

"y/n i have only ever wanted you , i glare and i threaten and i hate the boys that ask you out because i want you. i need you." he said softly , pulling your face closer to his , forcing you to hold eye contact.

"theo i-" you started as he cut you off quickly.

"please if youre going to reject me just know....know that ill tell david to ask you out , ill never do anything to intercept love for you again. i promise , just please... let me down easy.." he spoke quietly , insecurity and sadness seeping though his words.

this time it was you that softly garbbed his face and lifted his eyes to meet yours , "theo...maybe i didnt realise it until now but...i have always liked you."

his sadness faded as he looked at you with shock , his silence allowing you to continue in a lighthearted way, "maybe ive glared at a few girls too , unknowingly of course!"

you both laughed at this as he looked at you like you painted the stars into the pitch black sky , "im sorry for pushing those guys away...well not really but more like im sorry that you got sad about it"

you laughed again before allowing yourself to get lost in his eyes , the green like that of a four leaf clover- rare yet so beautiful , "maybe im not so unlucky in love afterall , it was right there in front of me the whole time."

he smiled at you with adoration before pulling you into a sweet , loving kiss. fortune was on your side today , as it brought you your luckiest pull yet , theodore nott.

806 notes · View notes

holywolfrebelpeanut · 2 months

Text

I NEED TO VENT ABOUT KOTLC

(WARNING-- I'm kinda a sokeefe hater, obv I'm not gonna trash on their relationship but I gotta share this somewhere)

Fitz and Sophie could've been so good together if Fitz could've put the Vacker name aside. But I can't blame him. He was put on a pedestal his whole life by his dad, at the expense of his other two siblings. HE was the golden child. And then he became cognates with the world's most powerful prodigy. We see so much in the first book how much he prides himself on his level and ability. His legacy (lol) meant EVERYTHING to him!!! Obviously his reaction to Sophie's match list wasn't justified whatsoever, but I hate it when people immediately hate him without taking into consideration his complexity. I adore Fitz.

Now I never really shipped Keefe and Sophie, but after everything they did together it became more obvious they would get together, but it seriously frustrates me how easily Sophie forgives Keefe after he ignored her and betrayed her. He did worse things than Fitz imo, but she just forgave him so easy which I is why I think the fandom loves him so much, because he's like a little wet cat who just needs someone to love him.

Don't get me wrong, i ADOREEEEE Keefe, and his character, but I feel like he wasnt the perfect option for Sophie. I also think Sophie....(Deserved better) IM SORRY DONT COME AFTER ME!!! But Keefe is NOT stable mentally whatsoever, and he needs SERIOUS THERAPY before I think he should get in a relationship.

Again this is only my opinion, and I would love some more opinions from other people, but please be nice I know I'm NOTT in the majority.

#Kotlc #Kotlc sophie #Sophie Foster #Keefe Sencen #Fitz Vacker #Kotlc Keefe #Sophitz #Sokeefe #Sophie x Keefe #Sophie x fitz

34 notes · View notes

ghostlycorgi · 1 year

Text

just let me watch ouran high school host club in peace

WARNING FOR MENTIONS OF FICTIONAL MISOGYNY AND SEXUAL ASSAULT (and ouran host club 8 + 9 spoilers)

(summary of episode 8’s scenes and plotpoints im talking about, from the wiki)

Scene skip to Haruhi looking for shellfish below a cliff with Honey when several girls on top of a cliff ask her to join them. While Haruhi tells them to be careful, two thugs turn up and begin terrorizing the girls. Haruhi joins them and confronts the thugs who pick her up and throw her into the sea. Tamaki and the twins arrive, having been alerted that Haruhi is in danger. She’s rescued by Tamaki who, once back on shore, scolds her for being reckless in taking on two boys as a lone girl. Haruhi claims she only did what was right, leading to a heated argument.

Haruhi expresses her limited understanding of the danger she and the other girls were in earlier in the day. Kyoya considers this before walking towards her, telling her what her behavior cost the club in terms of money. He dims the lights and suggests that she pay off the debt with her body before pulling her onto his bed. While kneeling over her, he chastises her for being naive about men and bluntly tells her that she is powerless against such an assault. Haruhi remains calm, saying she knows Kyoya won’t harm her because it would gain him nothing and that he’s only “playing the villain.” He lets her up, impressed by her insight into his motives.

Me talking lmao

as you can probably tell i just watched the 8th episode of ouran host club and i’m….. very conflicted. tamaki and kyoka are some of my favourite characters, and i know that after the incident at the beach tamaki is concerned for haruhi and criticises her because of the fact that she could have called for help, he really drives home the whole youre a girl!!11!! thing and it makes me uncomfortable

and now the kyoka scene… oh boy. i know he’s trying to prove a point about what could have happened if she wasn’t careful, but as to go that far? i felt sick to my stomach.

it doesnt help that the next episode tamaki is literally homophobic and tells the lesbian characters something along the lines of “women should'nt be in love with women! thats why god made adam and eve!!” i was in shock. also the lesbians are displayed as so violently feminist that they compare them to….a certain german party from the 30’s. in later episodes they include an openly bisexual drag queen as haruhis dad???? BUT THEY CALL HIM A SLUR???

i’m not sure what to think :( i’s really hard to enjoy the show now but i really like some of the parts and think theyre admittedly kinda cute,,,,but like i cant look at it the same. This whole post isnt an attack on the series, and like i said they do have some diversity with their cast and having a more masculine and independent female character as a protagonist is more inclusive than alot of shows in 2006!

i’m tempted to write a ohshc fanfic sort of making the characters grow and become better or just……. rewrite the whole 8th episode, because it’s short enough and the show has this sort of routine with it’s plots thus far

anyways! please share your thoughts with me if you see this~~!! sorry the section on my writing is so short :( it’s mostly to vent my frustrations, and please dont take this as a sort of intelligent and intuitive take on ohshc,,,,,,,,,cause it isnt lol. bye!

PS - i still like kyoya.......just please i want to ignore this episode

#ohshc #ouran host club #ouran high school host club #ohshc episode 8 #kyoya #ohshc kyoya #ohshc tamaki #tamaki suoh #text post #fandom

39 notes · View notes

broodsys · 5 months

Text

venting abt creative woes feel free to ignore <3

it has been really hard for me to post art, both drawing and writing. it's not just about engagement/lack thereof or abt concrit or about anything in particular. i just get so caught up in comparisons and breaking things down and wanting to be objectively "better" at it and idk if i'm even enjoying it anymore.

sometimes i think seriously about stopping? i'd still create but. just for me. idk.

and im having mixed feelings about fandom in general. idk. it's late at night and it's been dark for too many hours and ik that's putting me in A Mood(tm) but it's still been! hard! and i get sad and frustrated and self-conscious all the time

it just feels like im out here putting my ugly shit next to everyone's polished pretty pieces. and ik, ik, two cakes, i've been trying to internalize that, but it's hard right now. i cannot stop thinking about the pretty fics ive read and i cannot stop being so fucking envious of them and it feels gross! like i should just appreciate them? they're lovely, mine doesn't have to and shouldn't be a replica, etc etc, all these things i know intellectually, but... ugh.

and it's extra frustrating bc i know ppl like my stuff, esp my writing. they do! they've said it! ppl who have no cause to lie to me, strangers, etc. but i just can't feel it and im so... envy demon has a fucking hold of me lmao.

might be circling back to the going too fast/pushing myself too hard thing again. but i've just been dealing with the constant undercurrent of severe frustration with everything i attempt. i try to shake it off but idk, if it's this consistent...?

ugh. idk. i've been going back and forth on this for a while. do i push through? do i try to drop my standards? do i just keep all my stuff to myself? unknown.

like, no matter what im finishing my bigfic. for me. but idk. should i even bother posting it? it's not... it's not about engagement. it's about the fact that i feel like the whole thing is just kinda... an embarrassment? like i cannot stop looking at it thru the most critical, least compassionate version of a potential audience and it's fucking with me so bad. when im writing i enjoy it, i think it's cool, i think it's good. but then i post it and after a while im just so embarrassed. i still think it's good! but it's still also embarrassing! i've worked hard for years to learn to trust my audience, to not spoon-feed them every bit of information and then follow it up with a quick confirmation just to make sure they're getting it, but now i feel like i'm being drawn back into that.

i read it. i've reread it a few times, in fact, for pleasure and not for editing. i love it? but im also so embarrassed by it whenever im not like... actively reading it. it's just disheartening.

idk. it's my personal baggage more than anything ig.

anyway im genuinely not asking for my ego to be stroked here or w/e, just- this has been weighing kinda heavily on me for quite a while. it's very frustrating.

12 notes · View notes

habunshu · 2 years

Note

just read an interview sara hess did recently and she’s talks about aegon and him raping dyana and the way this entire thing reads is just so…..not to mention in the same interview she throws daemon under the bus and says he’s a bad father when the episode she wrote she chose to cut out the scenes with him comforting his daughters and chose to add in how he ignores rhaena

[saying this all having seen ep10 leaks, and saying this all with words from HBO that they plan to release a “pristine cut” from earlier today- whatever that means, so by the time this “cut” is released some mass-disliked moments may have been retconed or scenes added]

[mention of SA, R*pe in regards to Aegon’s writing]

[mention of traumatic childbirth and death from childbirth]

I have so many many thoughts about not only Sara Hess but the whole writing team. This is LONG, and thank u very much for sparking my thoughts with this ask!

HOTD has, fallen out a lot with me post episode 5/6, I remember thinking what a fantastic start it was off to when I watched episode 1, and the moment it’s established that the writers and directors are NOT collaborating between episodes, and each hold very different understandings of each character they portray- it’s become a quick recipe for disaster. Im not going to nitpick every part of the season, I’m well aware this show plans to overarch multiple seasons, but I am still going to discuss it from a standalone story due to how long each season takes to produce.

1. Complications from writing teams, and contrasting GRRM’s base material:

HOTD and F&B being separate narrative points and existing as different validity tales is something that is perfectly fine, I am used to discussing validity of secondary reports of historical content through my degree, and HOTD is a very good medium (as it is VISUAL instead of written) of attempting to show this tale from inside the House itself- what dissonance occurs is due to fondness over the staple violence and power hungry violence of these Westeros Nobles that creates interesting fantasy grandeur. A lot of people enjoy spectating these awful powerful people commit horrible acts in their own interests and family allegiances; Cersei, Daemon, Otto, and others are fascinating anti-heroes and antagonists due to their setting to allow for large-scale atrocities to physically vent their ambitions and goals.

The Dance of The Dragons (in the Books) is this horrific and tragic death for petty self importance, untreated family trauma and paranoid self-hardening that continues and grows with each generation of the Courts is bound to snap on-top of someone’s shoulders at some point, just around 80 years of RELATIVE “peace” under King Jaehaerys I and Viserys I (55+26 if i’m not mistaken). And such a King born of peace wanting to prolong it (Viserys I) is almost a perfect breeding ground for power hungry leeches to start grappling for the Throne (Otto).

So when the bricks start to crumble and we have expectations of drama and bloodshed, true to GRRM’s writings, it’s not a change in certain plot points that is objectively bad (some are better- Sara Hess respects Laena as a woman of 2 Valyrian Houses dying of her own wish instead of before she can on the staircase), it’s misconceptions of what purpose each character serves between writers that makes each episode clunky, snowballing into the season looking like a puzzle I slapped together from mis-matched pieces I found my desk draw.

Almost all characters if not between back to back episodes, from the beginning to the end of the season have moments that straight up do not make sense compared to who they are established as.

This reaches a more frustrating point when we see the overarching trend of almost all Female main characters be softened and be removed of their personal wants. (In the Books) Rhaenyra and Alicent are two amazing narrative foils; Entitlement vs Want, Power (Dragons) vs Intelligence. These are two women who have lost their childhood sense of female unity and joint suffering, with their in-book ages, Rhaenyra looses an older female figure and Alicent looses a companion and a major representation of her own lost girlhood.

When Alicent becomes just a high-strung pawn for her father, her son placed on the throne without her involvement or knowledge, still holding onto her girlhood she becomes a beautiful tragic figure and Olivia does he’s SO MUCH justice- but at the cost of her being this beautiful antagonist and individual.

When Rhaenyra becomes with unsure and overwhelmed girl-heir, becomes someone who only began to learn the knowledge a monarch requires at her late teens instead of being named heir before she was 10, she’s no longer a strong Targaryen that wants what she has been told her whole life is hers- but a bumbling princess who is asking for permission to wear her fathers crown.

Rhaenys, Baela and Rhaena are moved aside and the young daughters of Laena are given barely any content besides smiling politely. Helena I will say seems relatively untouched, we see a girl in her own solitude with a mother who gave birth way too young and doesn’t know how to be one. A true tragic figure after being sentenced to being a royal womb and looses her child over evening the scales-

[EP10 LEAK- RETCON OR CORRECTION ON OFFICIAL RELEASE UNKNOWN] If Aemond does end up a Kinslayer by technically, Vhagar attacking in retaliation with him being unable to control her after Lucerys in turn doesn’t control Arrax spitting fire first when fleeing to return to his mother. It does work in favour of Aemond being subjected to harsh consequences for either defending himself or completely against his wishes. But again we loose what is one of the most vicious combatants of the civil war, as well as the intent of Helena loosing her own child not matching up. “A Son for a Son”, but to even it out Helena’s child needs to die by accident in return. This also contrasts Aemond’s character of a bloodthirsty prince, he WANTS Lucerys dead, his own half-nephew took his eye, why does he care that the Baratheon wants blood outside of his home instead of infront of him. He’s the Kings Brother, Rider of Vhagar.

This change of intent to misunderstandings does create its own dynamic, but the lack of a cohesive plot and character purpose creates this mess that takes the Dance from:

“This family have become horrifyingly self-entitled and power-drunk due to their dragons, and will do whatever to fulfil their own wants, even killing the Dragons they owe their power to. There is a division between Kin and Family and Kin will be sacrificed if one can gain from it.”

To: “The Sheer Number of Aegons and lack of critical thinking has made so many deaths meaningless.”

The writers seem so scared of writing women with intent and purpose and power, Rhaenyra was a dragon rider at 7, 6 years before the youngest rider before her, we haven’t seen her on Syrax since Daemon steals an egg, we have powerful female Targaryens in-universe, Visenya is right there. Women in the show are mothers or soon to be married and mothers, Rhaenyra has no combat experience as a NAMED HEIR.

2. Sara Hess

She is uh, sure is something of a writer, knowing she’s responsible at least in part of EP6 and EP9 does make sense. She’s got a lot of not great comments and understandings of characters, that does do them a disservice.

The biggest offender (pun intended) is Aegon II, very surprising for a woman to romanticise such a horrific abuse of power and male identity that leads to (as Alicent implies this is not the first time he commits these acts on screen) the SA and worse of a handmaiden, and attempt to paint it as a misguided action of love. Aegon II as a character is a great way to show “A female heir could be perfect, Rhaenyra could be perfect; but will still be tossed aside in favour of a male heir that is abominable, horrible and a stain to his family’s legacy”

Is he given an unfair hand at the blatant favouritism of Viserys? yes. Is he forced into a position that he has no desire to be in until he is either:

1. In the books told that a formidable blood-spilling Rhaenyra will kill her opposition (his family and children) for the crown.

2. In the show dragged to his coronation, crying as he walks the Dragon pit, taking a position he KNOWS his father never once delegated to him.

Tom Glynn-Carney does a PHENOMENAL job with the material he is provided and tasked to act out. We can gain sympathy for him in both narrative chains without the romanticism of SA and r*pe, Tom SHOWS us a young man who turns to alcoholic tendencies due to the obvious fact his father only considers himself to be a father of one, and the fact that his mother has near infinite complex relationship with motherhood as a manipulated childbride and replacement wife that doesn’t even compare to the First Queen to her husband.

Aegon is heavily spoilt and misguided and starved of normal parents, and even as a horribly sexist man of power we can find nuance in him. Sara Hess does him a disservice by saying he “loved” Dyana, if you want to write him as a sympathy figure regarding his own love outwards, it is already there in his DISINTEREST in Helaena, the choice to not want to love is a better rebellion against all his representation of love that he’s grown up with.

“Do you (Mother) Love me?” is a tragic line, it drives sympathy in itself as her firstborn son knowing she is merely 16 years older than him, not even 40 at the time of his coronation. Why make this about him r*ping a woman instead of the complex relationship the family knows Alicent has about motherhood and the loss of her own life at age 16 when Otto decides to move her representative chess piece forward?

Sara Hess’ comments that went viral, although make sense in her distaste with various Scenes of Daemon (which are STILL abstractions from GRRM and his creation of Daemon) from EP10. I am surprised at her ability to unite those who are Team Black or Team Green, but even then her involvement has more downsides to this opportunity of story telling that positives.

A particular comment of hers that I didn’t appreciate in the slightest was her input on (Book) Rhaenyra growing fat after having 5 children and getting older.

Extremely weird to vilify a woman of luxurious life and 5 pregnancies in Medieval times gaining weight. Whilst yes there is valid criticism of male storytelling, why lump the weight of a woman in the same category as sexism of women in power. Rhaenyra’s body has nothing to do with her as a leader or historical figure.

3. Daemon at the hands of the writers (Sara’s portrayal in particular)

GRRM has stated that Daemon Targaryen is his favourite, and I completely understand it.

Who is he? A second-born pure-blood prince, a renowned knight, rider of the Bloodwyrm, a prime Targaryen, confident, ambitious, cunning and loyal to a fault on those he considers family.

Daemon is introduced as an agent of Chaos and polarising public opinion, but still commands respect and at least was worthy enough to be handed the titles of Master and stand on the Court (but not to be earned, he is born into an almost invincible position). We see him painted as ready to take the throne as eldest male Targaryen barring the King himself, and is set at this surface level “Rogue” who dotes on the younger Targaryen at court (intentions unknown).

Ep1-4 we see he aligns more at strength for the Targaryen Dynasty, not just himself. He is a narrative foil to Viserys in attitude and tolerance, yin and yang in a way. He states that he wants to keep the crown on his brothers head steady, he sees past Otto and relays the distaste of the Hightowers that is present in Dark Sister’s original wielder.

I think a lot of people misinterpret him as selfishly power hungry, that every action has to explicitly lead to him as King on the Throne, but why not kill Rhaenyra at any point, he’s a suspect regardless due to his reputation, but he is cunning, there’s no way he couldn’t have pulled it off when she was young with how many of Aemma’s surviving babies died young- Rhaenyra herself could easily have health complications.

He is raised on the idea of their Family being omnipotent, 3 siblings conquered Westeros, who says he cannot ally himself with a select few? He gains significant back room power the way Coryls wants as a Prince consort or Hand to Viserys/Rhaenyra.

He is cruel and violent and awful and egotistical, but he holds the better part of himself for those he deems worthy. This is what makes him a compelling character, unwavering support to those he chooses. With debatable intent with Laena across book and TV stories, he is not neglectful of those he cares of. The active choice to cut scenes of him being a father, any sense of comfort, to imply he favours the daughter that has a dragon already, is nothing short of character assassination and extremely biased.

Daemon is far from a faithful, christian husband, don’t get me wrong, he ends up cheating on Rhaenyra and has fucked so many women in his life I don’t know how he hasn’t got like 34 STDs. But there seems to be an in-universe grey area on Targaryen polyamory and lovers, (Rhaenyra and Laena in book at a little, 👀) his political loyalty and service to Rhaenyra’s crown is never once faltered, he dies for her to get rid of Aemond and Vhagar (the only reason the Greens didn’t instantly die). His is this beautifully volatile and unpredictable character, but compassionate to a fault, and willing to do anything to restore Targaryen Power.

Sara Hess’ writing is far from unbiased, and deviates heavily from who GRRM wrote with such fondness, not completely unfounded, he does groom his niece and kiss her the infront of his the kids he had with his dead wife the day of her funeral. But why paint him as this deadbeat dad when he of him and his brother does not subject his wife to unnecessary pain when she will die regardless, he who does not differentiate between children of different mothers. Viserys is a chronic first-wife bias, he doesn’t care that his second son is partially blinded and instead does not revoke when Rhaenyra asks for what is essentially torture to gain insight on why Aemond called her Bastard Sons, Bastards. Why doesn’t Sara call him out on saying he only has one child, why doesn’t she say she doesn’t understand why people like Viserys at Paddy’s portrayal?

She’s incorrect in us liking him as (not my words) “daddy” because he killed Rhea Royce and groomed his niece, people with brains are aware of his faults. We like BOTH of these brothers who were overzealous in the use of brothels are young bachelor princes. We like them because of the effort Matt and Paddy put in DESPITE the writing they are shown with.

The most concrete moment of bad directing of daemon shows in his interactions with Viserys.

Matt understands Daemon at peak when he IMPROVISES Daemon stepping up as the brother protecting his weak king from Otto and himself when he picks up the crown, and supports Viserys on his way to the Throne, he could have easily left him to stumble and make a fool of himself. He wouldn’t though.

[EP10 SPOILERS] Seeing Daemon get violent with Rhaenyra, after he grabs 3 dragon eggs for her, after he marries her in secret, after he kills Vaemond for her. Is so out of character, not in his general sense, but out of character in WHO he directs this violence at. The physical scene cuts make it seem like they cut out any reconciliation, as well as the rough choking -> mocking -> going back to normal.

It gets even MORE OOC when it gets to Rhaenyra’s troubling childbirth of Visenya.

Daemon, a man who lost his mother through childbirth of his younger brother Aegon who then died in the crib.

Daemon who did not have a mother for long at all.

Daemon, who watched Viserys and Aemma loose child after child until she dies.

Daemon who watched Laena struggle and end up commanding Vhagar to kill her as an act of Mercy.

Daemon who watched his daughters not have a mother for long at all.

Daemon who watched and saw Rhaenyra not have her mother for long.

Daemon who does not stay with her during the pregnancy, Daemon who they decided to keep separate from Rhaenyra as she struggles to give birth.

It is such an out of character moment that it along with the choking scene ruins him as a man, as every episode has established.

Again he is not perfect, withholds public affection even in high-strung moments due to being cautious in court. Has killed (or at least plotted) his first wife, the whole Gold cloak scene, the grooming.

But, He if this is not changed in the “pristine” cut, it does ruin all that GRRM has established.

It speaks a lot when improvisation on the Actors speak better on the characters than the writers themselves. It speaks a lot when an improvised scene touches people more than what the writers explicitly add.

#so sorry u all had to read this but i have thoughts #and do tell me yours !!!#ask #user milfoiks #house of the dragon #HOTD #GOT #game of thrones #hbo house of the dragon #daemon targeryan #viserys targaryen #rhaenyra targaryen #aemma arryn #laena targaryen #rhaenys targaryen #aegon targaryen #aemond targaryen #Long post #alicent hightower

52 notes · View notes

padfootastic · 2 years

Note

Do you think fandom can be sexist towards female characters?

I see the Jegulus fandom wanting to write Lily completely out of the picture and wolfstar people generally hate Tonks.

oof. i have…a very rambly, very long answer to this bc i don’t think it’s a simple yes/no so i’ll put this under a cut for people to skip if they wanna, yeah?

so, straight off the bat, im not a fan of using pejorative labels for writers in general but particularly for fanfic authors. for one, we don’t know who’s writing behind the screen + what their motivations/inspirations/intentions are. two, everyone writes for a different reason. perhaps someone is venting, or projecting, or using it as a therapeutic release; often it’s lifted straight out of their own life. so i try not to judge the text in front of me based on stuff like that. (this leeway could also be because i used to read a lot of bashing fics where the majority of them are women, i think, and often with the flimsiest, most irrelevant reasons that are straight out of the Sexism Handbook of Traditional Patriarchy too so maybe i just started rationalising it for myself? idk)

second, i think it’s pretty well known that the majority of fandom is some combination of women/queer/neurodivergent/POC etc etc. so applying the lens of ‘critiquing mainstream media produced by cishet men’ doesn’t…really work here, i don’t think. the way we would analyse sexism in say, marvel or disney won’t (shouldn’t?) be the same as how we do it for fandom imo.

that being said, it’s still entirely possible for certain ‘problematic’ tropes/ideas to be prolific, right? this is where the sexism u mentioned comes in. i prefer to use symptomatic language here so saying ‘xyz has sexist/x-phobic elements’ instead of an absolute ‘the work/author is sexist/x-phobic’ because i don’t think the latter is either useful or accurate. when it comes to this, there’s one really important thing i look for here. is the author aware of what they’re writing? (which is a whole other issue tbh, complete w why i feel more comfortable around darkfic authors but let’s not go there rn lol) because a lot of the authors who write out lily or tonks in these ships do so knowingly bc it’s the only way for their plot to exist/evolve. sure, you can have an amicable resolution but will it provide the conflict u need? will it make for good entertainment? will it lead to 3D characters?

stories often need an antagonist and is it unfortunate that women often end up filling the role? sure. absolutely. i’d argue that one of the reasons we have so many mlm ships compared to wlw is because of mainstream media giving us better written men more often than not. and i think it’s totally fine to feel angry/frustrated/upset about that, especially when it carries over into fandom which is supposed to be a fun, inclusive, safe space. i get really frustrated at a lot of wolfstar discourse that entirely ignores the possibility of bisexuality. the vehement insistence that that a certain character can’t be with a woman bc they’re queer, for example, rubs me the wrong way and i think what you’re mentioning is something similar too. but, i always stop myself from assuming malicious intent on the author/fic’s part bc just because they write/believe something in fiction doesn’t make it true, ykno? and i can always step back and go look for something else that’s more to my liking.

and i think every creator would have something like this in their works tbh. i certainly do. i know for a fact that the way i’ve written lily in shovel talk and the patronus fic isn’t exactly favourable to her—even though i’ve tried to be neutral, she has definitely come out looking worse than the others and i admit that that’s on me. i wanted a certain dynamic & characterisation for james & sirius and this was the way to achieve it. people are allowed to dislike that. but they must also acknowledge that i’m allowed to write her that way.

i think, more often than not, we end up looking at this in simplistic binaries. ‘i like this -> good -> allowed to exist’ or ‘i don’t like this -> bad -> shouldn’t exist.’ i’m…not a fan of that. my opinion is we should advocate for more mindfulness within our writing but allowing writers to craft their stories the way they want (bc ultimately fic is supposed to simple and fun and not something you agonise over). and this is all interlinked, right? because the moment we say ‘ok. this might be portraying women in an icky manner, i don’t like it but the author can do that bc it’s a piece of fiction’ then u open the gates for more responsible reading & writing. authors would feel comfortable tagging their works with this, they can discuss it openly w/o being worried about reproach or ‘being cancelled’ and readers can make a more informed decision. but if you go in guns blazing with ‘ugh this fandom is so sexist, look at how it’s treating its women’ then you’ve pretty much killed all possibility for dialogue and improvement and that’s not helping anyone.

this kind of also ties in with my previous point about having differing standards for mainstream vs niche mediums of art. fanfiction authors are often, ironically enough, held to higher standards than published/paid creators which is interesting bc u can argue that their work doesn’t even have the kind of social impact that mainstream media does.

anyway. i’ve gone off on enough tangents here lol but i think i’ll end it with this: yes, women definitely come off worse in certain spaces, especially when they have to compete with mlm ships but i think that’s a conscious decision that authors take within the bounds of the material they have. as long as they are conscious of the fact/acknowledge it, i think likening it to sexism isn’t fair because u can’t have a story without plot devices, uncomfortable as they might be. if you see a pattern in someone’s stories of women being constantly shunted aside negatively, then i think u can take note of it and avoid it. maybe have a conversation with the author if they’re willing to talk about their creative choices. i feel like that’s the most u can do when it comes to online writing where u have no idea who’s on the other side of the screen.

#fandom wank #just in case #i’ve actually thought about this a lot tbh #partly bc of my own reading habits (present + past)#partly bc it crops up as ‘discourse’ far too often for my peace of mind #and i tend to stay out of it bc i don’t like the way in which unfolds #it feels too cult-like for me most of the time #and everything is always taken in bad faith #but yeah. it doesn’t mean i don’t have Thoughts™️ on it #(when do i not lol)#i hope ive managed to explain things decently here?#if there’s anything that’s…off then hey dialogue is always welcome #as long as everyone treats it in good faith and doesn’t attack anyone personally #i edited this 3 times to cut down on useless stuff and i still feel like i’m just rambling aimlessly here smh #not having an absolute answer was a deliberate choice and not me waffling about #bc i don’t think u can just narrow it down to a yes or no #but that’s just me #i know some people have stronger opinions on either side #which is totally valid tbh #it’s everyone’s individual experience that forms their view #and mine caused me to arrive at this #i can also acknowledge i’m often in a headspace to be able to take this sort of neutral/good faith approach #bc i don’t rly have triggers or squicks #that’s not the case for everyone so some would feel more strongly about this #so having a variety of opinions comes in handy here #pen’s asks

23 notes · View notes

thekidkelly · 1 year

Text

imma put some personal shit under here that’s really just a long vent so if u don’t wanna read it feel free to scroll past lmaoo

today i realized just how not fucking normal i am bro. like okay so everything was fine until i got to class this morning and like. in my classroom there was this incessant goddamn clicking like it wasn’t the clock it wasn’t the projector maybe it was the heater or something i don’t fucking know but it was driving me goddamn insane so i couldn’t focus on what my professor was saying but it didn’t even matter cus i can’t stand the way the guy talks okay like he talks in a single goddamn run on sentence and he has this stupid goddamn inflection to his voice that i can’t stand and anyway the whole 50 minutes i’m trying to ignore the clicking but i can’t cus like a flip of a switch everything i was wearing was suddenly the most uncomfortable fucking thing i’ve ever put on okay like. this sweater i wore had the fucking elastic hanger straps or whatever the fuck and i could not fucking stand the way it felt on my shoulders and my back but there’s nothing i can do about it cus im sitting in class and i had to go work right afterwards. so the 50 minutes passes by like fucking molasses and i can still hear the goddamn clicking even though it’s not there and i go to work and i have to make so many goddamn copies it’s not even funny. and my senses are dialed up to 12 and my clothes feel like fire on my body and for two and a half HOURS i have to deal with that while listening to the fucking copy machine make a million fucking copies and i have to make 8 copies of this like 250 page long document but i have to do it in sections so it takes two and a half fucking hours and when i’m making the piles they have to be just right so i’m wasting mental energy trying to make them just right even though it doesn’t fucking matter cus it was all gonna get fucked up anyway cus i was gonna have to put everything together and then after the two and a half hours i have to go put all this shit in binders and when i’m putting it in the binders i start getting more frustrated cus i have to grab just the right size stack of papers otherwise it won’t fit the rings right and every time i fuck up i get more and more frustrated and then i finally fucking finish it and i walk outside and i can feel the fucking ice through my shoes and on my feet even though it’s not even that cold out and i never feel that shit ever so the whole walk back to my car all i can think about is how i can feel it colder on the balls of my feet than my heels and all i wanna do when i get to my car is just sit for a minute but there’s someone waiting for me to back out as soon as they see me walk to my car so i have to leave right away and then i get home and all i wanna do is lay down and close my eyes for thirty fucking minutes but i can’t cus they start plowing and shit right under my window and i get so fucking frustrated and right when they leave my partner gets out

of work and i love talking to them i really do so i feel bad if i don’t answer so i answer and then i’m like well im not gonna get to close my eyes so let me do my homework and i have this fucking study review thing that counts towards my grade and it won’t let you do it in one day and it’s due fucking tonight so i’m gonna lose points and i’m venting all my frustration to my partner and then i apologize cus i felt like i dumped shit on them and that’s not fair and then they were like “that’s what im here for like im meant to be your sounding board when these days happen it’s okay to have bad days you don’t need to apologize for that” and then i really did cry even though i hadn’t let myself all day and fuck bro i hate this i fucking hate it

3 notes · View notes

caught-the-lovebug · 9 months

Note

hi!

so I have this really really weird situation with my sort-of crush right now.

We both know each other for around a 3 months or so, and i feel we're pretty close friends but im not sure he feels we're THAT close yet, but we still talk sort of often.

we were pretty good friends, and we'd constantly roast each other, make fun... very play-fight type of friends.

so, i honestly just thought of him as a friend for quite a while, but there was this contantly lingering but unidentifiable feeling everytime i'd talk with him. I just brushed it off, because - well, I don't trust chemical reactions.

but then this one day i just realized that - i feel some sort of affection for him. whenever he smiled, laughed at my jokes, responded wittily, made eye contact with me, I'd feel so happy and feel the need to squish his face (haha im so cringey T_T)

and then i was like "okay, this is some kind of romantic affection, definitely" which was weird for me, because I'm ace and I've only ever had one other crush in my entire lifetime, and that was feeling was veeryy different. this was smthing weird, like - i just wanted to protect him at all costs, yknow? that kinda thing, but it wasnt very sibling-y either.

i told a few of my friends abt this while the crush grew, and i tried to interact more, but then this one day I tried talking with him and i figured that someone who knew told him that I liked him and after that, he started acting really distant with me, which I hated, because even if I did like him, I considered him to be a great friend, and I didn't want to lose that friendship. We texted fine, but irl, we barely spoke.

later on, i learnt that he likes another girl and doesn't like me romantically, but doesnt mind being friends with me. After that, I found the whole process of "making him like me" so tiring and gave up on my crush, which was surprisingly exhilarating.

currently, I've convinced him I just want to be friends and I did that to myself as well so now I don't feel any pressure or anxiety when talking with him and I just act as myself (which is so relaxing compared to when I was constantly overthinking everything i did around him). I like the relationship we have as friends but I do still sometimes wish for more.

I like not crushing on him consciously because i can be myself, but at the same time, i catch myself thinking about him or just giggling over how adorable he is or glancing at him whenever I see him.

I'm a little confused as to what we are right now, and more importantly what I'm feeling for him, and idk if maybe I might have a chance with him in the future? should I still make tiny attempts of flirting or trying to impress him or should I just let it be and go on its own course?

(i dont even know what point I'm trying to make here - I just needed to vent T_T)

Just needing to vent is so valid.

I'll attempt to answer your questions still but if the vent is all you needed, then feel free to ignore me lol

It seems to me that you are friends. That doesn't change if someone is crushing on the other. Friendship is separate to romance, they exist side by side. You are friends and you have romantic feelings for him. That's okay.

Getting caught up in what feelings mean and what words to use, I often find isn't helpful. I had a crush on my best friend for four years. It didn't stop us being friends but our friendship felt closer and different to others I'd experienced. When I would get frustrated trying to label how it was more than just best friends but not dating because he didn't feel romantically back, it felt awful. The reality is, words are flawed. Capturing our entire complex history and my emotions for him in one word wasn't going to be possible.

And this can be true for newer crushes on friends too.

In regards to a chance in the future, you might! But equally, you might not. It's okay to have your feelings and not force them away if you don't want to. In my experience, crushes on friends are difficult to force away. But I would let it fade when it does. Clearly, he doesn't want to lead you on, so holding onto hope isn't going to help your friendship.

And on that same topic, I don't think you should try attempts at flirting. You've both decided to be friends and not pursue romance with each other right now, I wouldn't push that.

In saying that, having a crush can be fun and exciting, and you're allowed to exist in those feelings and enjoy them. If you don't like them, that's valid too! But you don't have to be ashamed of them and you don't have to force them away if you don't want to.

I hope this helps!

#crush #fox gives advice #anon ask #ace

0 notes

0v3rcxme · 10 months

Text

so. ive been advised to do something i enjoy, like write or draw, for at least 10 minutes a day. i have not been doing that but ive decided to give it a try today and also because i love tumblr in many ways but one of them is that its like screaming into the void. and i love venting but dont feel quite ready or quite prepared to do so with people that know me.

i got a little sad today because i was supposed to go to a psychiatrist as soon as possible. like the psychologist saw me once (1) and said yeah. yeah you need some medication. which is very validating in the sense that ive thought the same thing my whole life but id never taken the step to start that particular journey. anyways. im rambling. but i cant go rn. its too expensive. and it made me quite sad, not immediately, i thought it was fine, right? ive been ignoring the fact i had to set an appointment for a week or so because its easier to ignore than to face it and i knew it was gonna be expensive but still i hoped maybe it wouldnt be. anyways because its so expensive i cant schedule the appointment. and i had to tell my psychologist because she asked me because shes so nice and kind and attentive and she asked me and i had to tell her no, i cant just yet, also i answered really late because i had been ignoring it because thats what i do.

and i told my friends and it was ok like haha yeah being mentally ill is expensive sucks to suck idk but then i got sad about it and cried a little and started thinking, is it gonna be like this the whole journey. am i gonna have to struggle to pay antidepressants or whatever they may put me on and im gonna find even more obstacles than the ones i already put myself through everytime. and it frustrated me. so i felt bad.

and my friends want to support me, and so does my mom, and when i tell my dad im sure he will want to as well but good god part of me hates to depend on them for everything. hates that i cant fix it myself. or rather, i can, but i dont know how to or dont put myself to the challenge of doing so. supposedly im gonna get paid next week and good god once again i hope i get the amount i think ill get but i hate this i hate to keep my therapist waiting i hate having to make my friends worry with this i hate that i get pissed off when its no ones fault.

anyways, ten minutes are almost up. i hate money i fucking do i wish it didnt exist i wish we didnt need it to do basic things i wish i didnt need it to better my mental health i wish not to resent it. bye

#vent #therapist mandated exercise

0 notes

foriambeautifullymade · 2 years

Photo

Pilipinas.....

Wow, grabeh yung excitemen na na feel ko now..I’m just gonna share my experience this whole election campaign.

When the election campaign started, i was so excited especially when it was confirmed that BBM is running for President and his running mate for VP is Inday Sarah Duterte. You see eversince i was young, I’ve always been proud to be Pinoy, pero mas lalo akong naging proud nung naging Presidente c PRRD. Nagsimula ang pagmamahal ko sa bayan when i met Jesus. Naintindihan ko ang compassion para sa bayan nung maintindihan ko ang gospel. I’ve learned to pray for the country and for our leaders when God made me understand His Word in the bible. Kaya ako excited mag vote.

I make sure makaka vote ako sa 2022 and so i transferred my voter registration from Alburqueque to Tagbilaran city.

Never expected that the whole campaign would be a hit this year. Feeling ko ako lng boboto kay BBM! lol I don’t know but kahit nung bata ako despite the history na sinasabi nila and all the books na sinulat feel ko di totoo yun. Or baka di lang talaga ako matalino kaya di ako affected! lol Pero buti nalang di ako matalino para hinde ako makapag judge ng tao.

So eto na, naka pag decide na ako matagal na 2016 pa na if tatakbo si BBM I’d vote for him, and sa nung pag start ng campaign lahat ng nakikita ko sa socmed is for VP Leni, even sa ibang mga friends ko VP Leni sila, so i was just silent about my candidate. Hindi sa nahiya ako but because, hindi na kases magbabago desisyon ko kahit ano pa sabihin nila. hahaha hindi ko na sila papahirapan. Pero may time na na question ko sarili ko na “normal pa kaya ako?” halos lahat sa socmed and some friends are for VP pero gang dun lang naman but it bothered me. So i confronted some of my friends and i was relieved because the people whom i shared my thoughts are also for BBM and they asked that same question din!Parang feel namin alien kame in a world full of Leni.

Socmed was so loud and kame ng ibang friends ko na BBM are keeping our cool. I tried posting my candidate on my facebook wall, i got a laugh react from a Leni supporter so i tried to have a revenge by giving a laugh react as well on her Leni posts. Pero, what I did convicts me. I’m reminded that this is just politics and my relationship to that person is important than anything else, so i deleted my posts and decided not to post anything until the President will be declared. win or lose, magpopost pa din ako. Pero may mga times talaga na makapag my day ako! hahaha and sa mga last days before the actual election i posted some stuff sa tiktok ko venting out lang about what happened like nung son disowning a mother ( Loren Legarda and son) then i also vent out my frustration sa isang student who committed suicide because he was bullied. Sakit sa ulo. So many issues but all the other dramas done, i choose to ignore those kase di naman need and prio yung ibang issues nila.

Bashing was normalized the whole election campaign. I even have some mentors who was saying a lot of things about PRRD and BBM pero cge go lang, i will still respect you kase naman ibat-iba tayo ng opinion. But this make me sad ha. I’ve unfollowed some influencers who are so loud a nd toxic. Pero i never unfollowed or blocked friends . House-to-house campaign with black propagandas are done. Sarap na mag react pero chill pa din. Mall-to-mall campaign and saw some of my lodi na artista na namimilit ng tao para i vote c VP Leni. Na shock ako kase i looked up to them pero nagawa nila sumayaw in market and mocked BBM.

Ang gulo ng election that there was this one time na i told myself, mag change nalang ako ng ibang kandidato. I prayed about it pero wala akong makita e. I am not saying that BBM is perfect. Im not ignoring what happened in the past, but my decision as to why i chose him as my President is based on what he did for the country.I never based my decision on how i feel. That would be selfish of me. I looked at everything he does.. those times when he helped people and didn’t reached socmed or never natrending. Those moments when he remained kind despite the bash, despite the mocking. Inintindi ko yung mga estate tax and even have to go through the history again. On the other hand, i also watched and observed VP Leni. I tried myself to look at her for who she is as a person and my heart cried kase nakikita ko yung pagod niya. Something is not right. There was too much hate. I dont know where this is all coming from. It is as if she was doing this things for some people. I don’t hate her. I never hated her. I love woman empowerment pero this...something is wrong and I’m sorry kase i cannot cast my vote to someone who shows too much hate. Fighting for one person and not for the country..There are also some candidates that I’m looking at and believe it or not i prayed a lot for my decision. I prayed na wrong motives will be exposed along the way. Sabi ko kay Lord, if you will tell me to change my vote i will kase i want my decisions to be based sa decision mo. There are so many things being exposed na along the way thats why i choose to chill kase anytime pag sabihin ni Lord, eto i vote mo at least wala akong sinabi na bad...pero wala e, my decision gives me peace of mind.Walang pag aalinlangan na po to.I know He will be that person that fits this position and if ever worst scenarios happen, then for sure God will allow it to happen.

May 9, 2022, i started my day with a prayer. Lord, if you want me to change last minute i will,obey. Isaiah 45 yung binigay na word saken that day. yung sa Isaiah 45:5 - I am the Lord, and there is no other, besides me there is no God; I equip you, though you do not know me. The whole Isaiah 45 gives me so much comfort. Knowing that He is a sovereign God makes me bow down to my knees and just let go of my doubts and trust Him in everything. Thank you for reminding me that you are the King of everything.

Today, as i was writing this, almost lahat ng binoto ko pasok kahit sa local votes. Kahit tapos na ang election, super gulo pa din sa socmed and i just prayed for healing for everyone who grieves and praying for the nation and our new leaders.

Relationship over politics po tayo. Socmed can be very toxic at times kaya we need to balance and control ourselves from saying bad things kase babalik saten un e. Sana lahat tayo may natutunan sa season na to and we can forgive each other sa mga pagbabash naten sa isa’t isa.

Proud po ako maging Pinoy and most of all i’m proud to be a daughter of our one true King.

#ph elections #uniteam #daughterofaKing

0 notes

phleb0tomist · 3 years

Note

idk if youre the best person to ask, but since you also suffer me/cfs, its worth a shot to ask. i dont rly know anyone else with it. how do you go about making sure people take you seriously? ive been really struggling to stress to my family that my cfs is a real thing. im really dependent on people to make it by and cant carry my own weight. its making my primary caregiver (my mom) frustrated. i feel guilty and idk what to do. (apologies for venting a lil!! u can ignore this ask if u want /gen)

you absolutely don’t deserve to feel guilty about this <3 I’m sorry that’s been so difficult for u. this is a problem for lots of people with me/cfs, and its so upsetting cos it’s so genuinely debilitating. strap in cos this is gonna be long.

Now, it might help if u provide them with proper info. they probably just have a cultural knowledge of M.E– the public’s consensus is “being tired a lot, upper middle class burnout, not a physical condition, just push yourself, BELIEVE U WILL GET BETTER!!!”

key actual facts...

— M.E is a registered neurological condition and can affect all bodily systems. it’s considered mainly neurological because autopsies show inflammation in the brain & spine.

— it’s NOT just being fatigued, it affects the whole body systemically. iirc according to the most cutting edge diagnostic criteria, you don’t even need fatigue to be diagnosed.

— studies gather that post exertional malaise is a pathological physical response, causing reduced cardiac output (the heart can’t work properly), immune reactions, shutdown of the muscles to prevent cell death, brain dysfunction, and more.

— the study claiming that M.E can be treated with exercise & cognitive therapy is fraudulent, as proven by a large panel of experts. that whole view of the illness is based on a lie. the official guidelines are STILL in the process of being changed, which is an outrage that activists are still protesting.

— getting worse after exertion is a protective mechanism; your body is trying to stop you from damaging it further.

— M.E has a lower quality of life than any other illness tested, including MS, cancer & stroke.

— the primary way to stop M.E getting worse is to PACE YOURSELF. overexertion can literally make u worse in the long run, sometimes for years. there is tons of evidence for this.

personally a big thing for me was to stop calling it ‘cfs’, but that’s an individual choice. there’s a lot of complicated reasons for my beliefs on that, ig I could make a post about it, I have so fcking much to say.

sorry this got so long. I think legitimising M.E is the biggest stepping stone to better treatment. good luck <3 <3

[sources]

#shit I really went off didnt i #answered #txt #myalgic encephalomyelitis #chronic illness #advice

33 notes · View notes

mypoisonedvine · 3 years

Note

This is a super random rant but I just need to get it out so ahh I'm sorry. I hate when people sexualize/romanticize daddy issues like 'if you like these older men you have daddy issues.' It pisses me off so much, my dad is always yelling at someone in our home. In high school it was me on the receiving end and I used to shout back and cry everyday cause it was exhausting af. Now that its my sister on the receiving end because I just ignore him and im so used to it that the yelling feels like this constant song on loop that is always playing in the background.i hate that im so used to it that it doesn't even fazes me anymore like whenever he's yelling at me I don't even pay attention or reply back. Its not like I don't love him I mean he's provided me my whole life and I get that his anger and frustration comes from his unresolved issues(my grandma was a bitch to him ,he lost his younger brother to cancer and work has been pretty rough for him lately). But I'm just so tired of living in this constant fear about when he's going to throw another cup of tea at me or walk up to me angrily making me flinch.Hes only hit me one time and it was purely out of anger and he apologized to me several times for it. I feel like im explaining a toxic relationship with obvious red flags but he's my dad and I can't just cut him out of my life. And I was finally supposed to leave for college last year but covid and now everyone is stuck at home(which is totally understandable. God, I sound like a privileged brat complaining when people have it way worse. I'm so sorry for that). Wow, I don't even know where I'm going with this. Hope you're doing okay and take care!!

oh my gosh I’m so sorry to hear all that, yeah people throw ‘daddy issues’ around like it’s a joke, mainly targeting women and usually turning it into a sexist joke (like people make fun of girls with daddy issues instead of men for giving their children issues??) and yes attraction to older men has nothing to do with one’s relationship with one’s father. if anything attraction to toxicity is the thing there, but plenty of people have shitty/absent fathers and don’t have any issues surrounding it so it’s such a dumb thing.

just to be clear, it’s never okay for someone to hit you or throw things at you, even with everything going on in his life and his past. it’s good that you understand what he’s dealing with but it doesn’t justify any of that. all that said I get why you feel like you can’t just cut him out, I think people make that kind of thing sound really simple but for a lot of us it’s more complicated than that. going off to college would’ve been so great but covid really fucked so many people over and I’m really sorry all of this is happening to you..

and you don’t sound like a privileged brat you sound like someone going through a lot and you deserve better. thank you for venting I’m always here <3

#tw abuse #Anonymous

9 notes · View notes

wehavelayers-shrek · 4 years

Text

Arranged D.M

Au:after war

⚠️:angst,anxiety

A Facade that was what you two were doing making everyone think that you two loved each other but clearly behind it you can see two broken people.

You and Draco have been married for 3 years now the two of you were arranged to be married ever since you two were born your family and the Malfoy's really had a strong bond even after the news that they sided with voldemort.

You and Draco never loved each other you hated him and he also loved someone else. But being you two were cowards and want to obey your parents you decided that you won't cause any dismay to them.

You wanted to travel the muggle world be free from the curse that your family brought upon you. And him he would spend all of his time not with you but with his mistress you really didn't care about what he did. Since you knew that you shouldn't be caring since his heart was never yours to begin with.

But one day you went home him not being there usually draco and you would share your dinner together not really talking but only glancing at each other. But today he was out probably with her mistress that was when you felt the emptiness of the house the gloominess of your sorrounding you really didn't noticed it before but now it's much more evident. You didn't wand to admit that you grew find of him even if you two rarely spoke the little things he do when you were sad and lonely or even when you had anxiety when the two would you go to family events.

Flashback:

You were at a wedding specifically your sister's wedding.

You and Draco didn't came together since he was with his mistress.

You can feel your anxiety growing as people would go to you and question where was your husband and why was he not with you

You can hear gossips about you and you can feel the anxiety growing and growing within you until you see those platinum blond hair in a suit moving towards you

Great more questions you thought

As he was getting closer your father asked you something you never really thought about

"so you two have been married for a quite a while so when are you going to have a heir" he asked

"I uhm" you really didn't want to anwser it and clearly it made you uncomfortable

"I want to see mini versions of you and Draco running around don't you two want that" he added

But before you could anwser draco anwsered it for you

"we weren't really thinking of that yet father, I think we would want to first have our time together before we have a proper family but maybe soon we'll have a heir" he kissed your forehead and told you to hold his hand the whole time you were there.

thinking of these just made your heart ache

"this isn't the life that I imagined for myself" you were now talking to yourself

"stuck in a loveless marriage, I just want someone to love me, someone to travel the world with fucking hell my husband even has someone" you were so frustrated at the situation you were in if you weren't such a coward maybe you were happy.

All this thinking made not only your heart ache but also your head you decide to go to sleep trying to forget the feelings you have for your husband who will never be yours to begin with.

You can feel arms hugging you late at night you turn to see draco hugging you tightly

You two never sleep at the same bed together ever since you two were married so this was really a surprise

You decided to ignore this occurance and not to wake him you look at him.

He was handsome you always thought of that. You were torn you know in everyone's eyes he was yours but in your eyes he wasn't and that broke you.

You get up and go to the kitchen to get a cup of tea.

"you're so dumb y/n" talking to yourself

"you could be in love with anyone in the world yet you chose someone who loved someone else, how dumb can you be"you sighed

You went outside to drink your tea there was no one outside only the cold wind and occational sound of animals can be heard you gazed over the stars thinking about the memories you had at hogwarts and how everyone of your friends already we're married to the love of their lives while you were stuck here heartbroken.

"if only I was brave" you sighed

"you are brave" someone said behind you

You turn to look who that voice belonged to

It was your neighbor Nathan he had long brunette hair brown eyes, he was tall and he was about your age you and him were pretty good friends

He sat down beside you

"so what could a pretty girl doing here"he questioned you

"I could say the same Nathan"

"you know I always get up at this time to watch the stars" he honestly said

"so how about you y/n why are you here this is the first time I saw you up"

"you know being married is exhausting, you know I really want more than this"

"I might say I am surprised, you and your husband always looked happy together"

"if you only knew"

"well if you and your husband got into an argument you can always come and vent to me"

"thank you Nathan I don't know what I would do if you weren't here in this neighborhood"

"anytime y/n you know you're also a great person"

You started to talk about your lives and what would you do if you weren't married.

"too bad you're already married y/n" he said

"I would like to travel the world with you"he smiled

"stop joking Nathan you don't even like airplanes" you laughed

"it's true" he said

"you're a pretty cool girl to travel with, you know what let's plan it it's my gift to you since I can see your pretty stress"

"I don't know nathan don't you think it might be scandalous I have a husband and if people see us travelling together they might get the wrong idea"

"hey you shouldn't worry about what people would think, people can think what they want, I'll talk to your husband y/n if your afraid to tell him our plan"

"well if you insist, I'm sure my husband won't mind to have the house for himself for a couple of weeks"

You thought this would benefit you and Draco since he can invite his mistress over while you went on a vacation to get your mind of off him

"great, tomorrow at lunch I'll come by to visit"

"I really had a great time tonight we should do this more often" he said

"yeah we should"you tell him

You bid your goodbyes and you went back to your house

As you were about to enter the house you can see draco in the living room his back faced to you sitting down at his chair a glass of wine on his hand

"draco?" You quietly said

"Why are you up draco"

"I could ask you the same y/n, with another man at this hour"

Shit he saw you with Nathan this won't go well

"oh, me and nathan were just planning ab-"

He cut you off

"I've heard you want to travel with him you two were being loud chatting"

There was a long silence until you decided to break it

"so draco would you let me travel with him, don't worry I won't ask you money I have a sa-"

"no you're not going to travel with him"

"you can have the house all by yourself you can even invite your girlfriend"you were trying to reason with him

You never stopped him from having fun with his girlfriend, why was he being selfish.

"Draco never did I stopped you from being with the love of your life why are you being selfish"

"I'm not being selfish it's you duty as my wife to be with me and not with some other man"his voice gradually growing louder

"I can't believe this, it's also your duty not be with another woman have you forgotten draco, why are you blaming me for wanting to find love"

" you are stuck with me wether you like it or not"

"You haven't change at all your still the same selfish boy I met on hogwarts, I really thought you'd change but no I gave you everything I gave you freedom even if it hurts, just this once I ask you to give me freedom and you couldn't give it to me"

Silence that's all you got.

"you aren't changing my mind y/n you are staying here" he left going upstairs

You can't believe how stupid you are to think he was a good man he never cared for you this being the moment you realize it you didn't go upstairs you instead just sat down at your couch putting your hand on your head massaging it. You were now silently crying it's like he purposely want to hurt you. You stayed there trying to get your composure back

You went up to your room, draco probably isn't there anymore

You open the door to see you were wrong draco was in your room sitting on your bed

"can you leave"you said

"I'm not leaving"

"draco stop being so stubborn"

"I'm not leaving y/n"

You knew how stubborn he is so you let him be

You sat on the other side of the bed

The silence was deafening and you can feel the tension you two created

"I'm sorry" he said

"I wasn't a good husband to you"

You didn't utter a word

"I am the one to blame here, I was selfish" he added

"I didn't realize how much I hurted you all these years"

"I know you don't love me y/n, I mean how can you love me im the worst person to be with"

You could hear him choking on his words he was crying

"draco I know you don't want to marry me and Im also sorry for what I said earlier your a great guy" you tried comforting him

"you want to know a secret y/n"

"Im inlove with you for a long time, pathetic right"

"I was insecure and ended up hurting you instead of making you feel loved"

"please give me a chance y/n I'll be better"

"draco I don't know what I should say"

You don't need to he kissed you passionately

"I promise I'll be good to you darling I'll be better"

Years past

You and Draco ended up having a son together he kept his promise to you you two raised a child together which you two loved dearly he was a great dad you ended up travelling the world together you two were happy maybe being with him wasn't bad afterall.

#draco fanfiction #draco angst #draco imagine #draco x reader

45 notes · View notes

oneirataxxiaa · 4 years

Text

Give Us A Little Love

Request from Anon : Oof i pressed ask before i could end it. Here we go again:"Do you trust me?" "Always" "Look,a shooting star! Make a wish." "Take my hand." "Are you...blushing?" with YJ Kaldur.

Im so sorry for the wait Anon, I had some things I had to deal with. Made it long for you to make up for it! I’ve been listening to the song ‘ Give Us A Little Love ‘ by Fallulah so I kinda based the Y/N off that? used this as bit of a vent piece, Idk. Missed a prompt cause i couldn’t fit it in. Enjoy! *opens writing angst playlist*

warnings: serious angst. mentions of suicide, swearing, neglect, trust issues?

“Give us a little love, give us a little love . We never had enough, we never had enough”

***

Trouble seemed to follow her everywhere she went.

Never able to settle down, each time she felt as though she had found herself a forever home, Y/n L/n experienced something that would send her foster parents running to send her away. The daughter of an unnamed member of the League of Assassins and a civilian, the child who dealt with horrors no one should have to witness at an age such as that, Y/n learned early on to trust no one, do what's best for herself to stay alive another day.

Y/n was raised by her mother's guild until she was old enough to fight, being subjected to the terrors dealt by the League of Assassins, her childhood was disrupted. She developed little social skills beyond basic polite greetings and formal conversations. She understood the human body, not for science exams, but to know what the fastest way to kill a person was. She could fight her way out of any battle, but place her in a social situation and she would shut down. Unable to think for herself.

Y/n was fourteen when she was put into foster care, after Talia Al Gaul became pregnant with a son and there was a new heir to the league. Tossed away like a bag of trash, her mother didn't stand up for her, and her father wouldn't care for her. Pushed into the system and forgotten.

"What happened now?" Mrs Davis asked her husband. She looked tired, resting her head on her hand, her eyes half closed. Her husband of ten years shook his head.

"She punched someone, one of the upperclassmen bumped into her and she reacted by sending them across the hallway" the man was in his early forties, tired from work and stressed from the current situation.

"God, what are we going to do with her Luke? We can't home-school her, and she refuses to see a therapist! we've tried punishing her, rewarding good behaviour, doing nothing! I don't know what to do anymore" the woman sounded desperate. Her and her husband thought a good idea would be to take in a seventeen year old trouble child through fostering. Over the three months they had her, nothing quelled her radical behaviour.

Luke Davies sighed. Exhaling and rubbing a hand over his eyes with frustration. "There's nothing we can do" he paused, hating the idea that crossed his mind. "we'll have to put her back into the system. Our health and life is important as well, so, we have to take care of that" his wife nodded, looking down at her hands, tears of guilt pricking in the corners of her brown eyes, becoming heavy.

"I'll call Ruth in the morning then".

Beyond the kitchen, Y/n sat with her back against the wall, a scowl on her face as tears threatened to spill. 'emotions betray us, control them' her mothers voice rang in her ears, a memory of toddlers and nightmares and staying awake hoping and praying the monsters from the green pool wouldn't come for her. Y/n sniffed, her tears drying as she willed them to do. The teen hiked her bag further up her shoulder and took a breath, walking past the entrance to the kitchen and out the front door, ignoring the yells of her foster parents, Y/n started into a run, disappearing into the streets as dusk set in.

She didn't know when she ended up a the waters edge, but it was plenty after dark. The sun long gone and her foster parents left far behind. Y/n walked along the boardwalk, feet kicking at pebbles on the ground, sending them skipping across the concrete. Giving herself an idea, she picked up the pebbles as she walked, placing each small stone into the pocket of her jacket until she had quite the collection growing there. Further down the coast she could see a peir, stretching out over the water. That was her destination.

Voices were heard to her left, making the girl turn to see a couple whispering to each other, on dragging the other - who was laughing - towards the closed fairground further down. Y/n frowned at the freedom the two seemed to think they had, too distracted by each other to care about consequences of their actions. That was dangerous, a thrill that many couples took the chance on as far as she knew. As far as she knew, having no experience in that department anyway. The couple vanished from sight and their laughter faded into the night like a memory.

The concrete ground turned to wood, and the crunching of stones turned to occasional creaks and groans from the old wooden plants supporting the jetty. Y/n walked the length of it, reaching the end and standing still. The girl enjoyed the smell of sea salt, the crashing ambience of the waves and calls of birds gliding over the water. The moonlight seemed only to amplify the wild beauty of the ocean, making her want to stay there forever. Y/n picked a stone from her pocket, flicking it out with her wrist, it didn't even skip. Simply crashing into the water with a dissatisfying plop. The teen tried again, angling it further down and still failing to achieve the skip she wanted.

"you should bend your whole body, it helps get the right angle" Y/n jumped back, pulling a pocket knife from her jeans and flicking the blade out. Her eyes were narrowed at the person who snuck up on her out of nowhere. "its alright, I'm not planning on hurting you" raising his hands in a calming motion. Y/n didn't move. "if I was planning to, I would have done it when you didn't know I was here don't you think?" he reasoned, motioning for her to put down the weapon. A minute passed of the boy eyeing the weapon, then looking her up and down. Any movement either made sent the other into a split second panic. Seconds ticked by, and slowly, Y/n lowered the knife, tucking it back into her pocket. The boy let out a breath and walked a little closer. Now that he was out of the shadow of the buildings on the shore, Y/n could see his features clearly. A strange suit with two handles strapped on his back. Dark skin, glossy from the salt water, blonde hair in a close shaved buzz-cut, and pale turquoise eyes that looked darker in the night air.

"can i ask what you're doing out here on your own, throwing rocks into the water?" he walks closer, eventually standing beside her.

"you may not ask" she replies, taking another rock in her hand, pausing and considering the boys first words to her. Y/n bent sideways at the waist, bending her knees and swinging her arm, being sure to flick her wrist. With the added momentum and angle, the rock bounced three times of the surface of the water before sinking on the forth landing and vanishing under the waves. Content with the one victory, Y/n dug out the rest of the rocks in her pocket, holding out her full hand and dropping them into the water with a series of splashes. She watched the fall.

"A waste of rocks if you ask me" The boy said, now leaning against one of the support poles.

"I didn't"

"didn't what?"

"ask you, I didn't ask you" Y/n clarified, sitting down on the wood, watching the waves like a mesmerising swirl of hypnotising spirals, pulling her deeper in. It felt dark in her mind, dark and scary. She felt her own emotions smothering her, suffocating her and clawing to get out.

A tear fell.

Almost instantly, the boy was by her side, sitting on the wood beside her, legs hanging over the edge in the cold water. He didn't say anything, but every action he made clarified the idea that he would listen.

Y/n opened her mouth, throwing words into the wind, venting frustration, anger and confusion, her words a spiral of fear and unfamiliarity. She felt afraid, afraid she would get a proper family. It was her fault, her behaviour and actions drove these kind people away. But she could help it, couldn't stop herself from doing things that made foster parents scared to have her around them. She couldn’t control herself some times, lashing out in fear and anger to those around her. People were scared of her, avoiding her in the hallways, refusing to work with her for projects. It hurt, to be isolated, but she knew it was her fault. She closed her mouth, halting her words and looking down at the water, tears falling freely now, though there were few. She didn’t know why she was speaking to him, telling him everything that had happened. She didn’t want to

“you’re allowed to react how you have been, nobody should expect you to stay quiet through everything that happened” The boy said, crossing his legs underneath himself. Y/n stayed silent, looking out at the water. “do you feel better? letting everything out?”

She nodded, raising to her feet, Y/n kicked her foot against the ground, frowning.

“Uh- thank you-”

“Kaldur” he said.

“Thank you Kaldur” she nodded, sticking her hands in her pockets and turning on her heel to head back towards the Davis’ house. Leaving the strange boy behind her.

***

It shouldn’t have surprised her that her foster parents had called to return her. She found herself sitting in the police station, being picked up by a cop car when the Davis’ reported her as a runaway. Sitting with her head rolled back on the chair, her legs kicked out in front of her and her hands behind her head, Her mind was slow, running over scenarios in her head of what would happen to her. Would she be thrown back into the system? Would they put her out on her own? She would be eighteen in a month. Would they just throw her out on her own, to deal with what lay ahead with nowhere to turn?

Y/n looked conflicted, alone and confused. Which is what interested one of the training detectives. He was young, around eighteen or nineteen, but his connections helped jump start his dream career.

“What are you in for?” He asked. Y/n looked up. This one had dark hair and blue eyes with a spark in them that made her wonder what was going on in his head. He looked like he was planning something, and she wasn’t sure she wanted to find out exactly what it was going on in his head.

“Running away apparently” she shrugged, sitting up and crossing one leg over the other in a more comfortable position. Dick frowned, sitting himself in the chair across from her and leaning his arms on his knees. He didn’t wear a uniform like most of the officers in the station, having on a blue shirt, black cotton jacket and jeans. He looked almost casual, at home in the station among officers much older them himself. But something told Y/n he was smarter then he looked.

“Why’d you run away?”

“Why should I tell you?” Suspicion rose on her voice. Dick sighed and shrugged his shoulders.

“I’ve done the same stuff, when I first moved in with my adopted dad I ran away three times in the first week” that made Y/n laugh a little, shaking her head with amusement.

“In one week?”

“yep, was probably my best achievement at that point in my life” he grinned, “I was thirteen as well”

“Good on you” the girl nodded, picking at the corner of her shirt, pulling a thread out and watching the fabric bunch up.

“Yeah, then I settled into the house, and well, thats that I guess”. He trailed off, making Y/n frown and look down.

“Its not that easy”

“Its not, not when you don’t try” He looked like he was trying to help, but he was just pushing her further out of her comfort zone.

“I did try!” Y/n exclaimed. “I tried so hard to be a good kid, I can’t help it . . .” her outburst faded quickly and Dick got to his feet.

“I’m going to make a quick call, i’ll be back, I promise” his smile was infectious, and Y/n returned it, looking at the floor again as she ran a hand over her face and then rested her arms on her knees, an uncomfortable position, but she didn’t seem to care about it in the moment. Time passed, and Y/n seemed to be ignored by officers who walked past. The occasional person would send a smile her way but ultimately, she felt like she was on an island, in the middle of the sea of people who were judging her for being there.

“Alright, you’re all set!” Dick appeared out of nowhere, phone and keys in hand. His sudden appearance made Y/n start in surprise, looking at him with wide eyes for a second before calming down and settling again.

“What?” Y/n asked, confused, getting to her feet and following the boy as he gestured for her to follow him. They walked from the office, out into the hallway and towards the lobby room, filled with various civilians and criminals being brought in for holding.

“I, being myself, made a call to my dad, we’ve got this big house in Gotham City, and there’s heaps of room for someone to stay, even with Tim living there and Barbara dropping in from time to time” Y/n didn’t recognise any of the names he dropped, but things were starting to click in her mind. “I’m Dick Grayson by the way” and that was when it all came together in her mind.

“You’re Bruce Wayne's son!” The girl stopped walking, eyes wide in surprise. She wasn’t sure how she didn’t see it before, the man looked just like the pictures of Bruce and his kids that she had seen on the news online. He was usually pictured with Bruce, and a shorter boy with dark hair. Seeing her reaction to it, Dick took a breath and rolled his eyes. As if he had to deal with such reactions on the daily - which was probably the actual case.

“Yep, now come on, or do you want to stay here moping all day?” the boy grinned and walked out of the building. Y/n looked back at the officers, milling around the station, nothing interesting catching her eyes. Taking a breath and holding it for a moment, Y/n followed him out the door as she let said breath out.

The car park was fairly empty, considering how early in the morning it was, and that most people had just walked there to avoid traffic considering the station was central in the city of Bludhaven. Dick lead her towards a car parked on the far side. Y/n wasn’t an expert on cars, but she could tell that this was expensive - far more then she could afford - and certainly in the price range of a billionaires son.

“Can I ask where we are going?” Y/n questioned when he opened the door for her. He nodded, closing the door behind her and walking around to the drivers side of the vehicle. Closing his own door and pushing the keys into the ignition, he replied.

“I called Bruce, as I said, he’s finalising some paperwork to foster you - so we are heading to the manor in Gotham! Not too long of a drive”. Y/n stared at the dashboard in front of her with wide eyes, processing what was happening. A few hours before, she was sobbing and venting everything to some random boy on the pier, and now she was moving in with a billionaire. It was a startling change, the suddenness of it started crashing down on her. “Do you have anything you want to pick up from your old place?” Dick asked, turning the wheel to get them out onto the road, following the signs towards Gotham City.

“No” was her simple reply, tucking up her legs, Y/n positioned herself to look out the window, watching the city flash by, a swirl of bright lights and dark corners and alleys.

***

“Are you sure you’re ready to work with everyone?” Dick asked, tapping on the zeta panel, his stance was casual enough, but his eyes kept glancing towards Y/n checking up on her to make sure she was alright. Something he’d been doing since she’d moved into Wayne manor all those months ago. Y/n herself however felt nervousness curling in the base of her stomach, clutching at her chest and making her feel a little sick. Not like she was going to throw up, but it certainly wasn’t helping to steady her nerves. The girl looked towards him when he spoke, shaking her head.

“I’ll be fine Dick, I already know most of the Team anyways, i’ve known Kaldur longer then i’ve known you” Dick shook his head with a small laugh leaving his lips. A beep emitted from the panel, and their location was locked in.

“Alright, first official team mission here we come then!”

“what are you going on about, you’ve been on missions before”

“that’s not what I- you know what, no, i’m not letting you have this win” he grinned, securing his mask and walking up to the platform, Y/n following him.

“sore loser?” she asked, matching his grin and standing beside her adopted brother.

“says you” was his quick reply before they were swallowed by the bright yellow light of the zeta tube. It was always strange to travel this way, stretched across a far distance only to be snapped back into place where they had set their destination. This mixed with the feeling of unease that already settled within her system made her clutch her stomach as they reappeared in the zeta entrance to the cave the mission room sprawling out in front of them, various heroes spread out, chatting amongst themselves as if there wasn’t a serious mission about to occur. Heads raised when her and her brothers names were announced by the computer, most turned back to their conversations, but one stayed up, looking towards them, and eventually walking in their direction. Y/n heard him before she saw him.

“Nightwing said you’d be joining us” Kaldur smiled as a greeting, “Are you alright? you look like you’re going to be sick” the smile turned to a neutral expression of concern, something that seemed to appear a lot when Y/n was around. He always had an eye out on her, to make sure she was alright, make sure she was feeling her best. Y/n smiled softly.

“I’m fine, just a lot of people that I haven’t met” she replied. When Y/n first encountered the Team, she had just started vigilante work with Nightwing, and was only introduced to Artemis, Wally and Zatanna, and reintroduced to Kaldur. It was awkward for a few weeks before the two fell into a comfortable friendship. Still confiding in each other with troubles and fears, but their relationship with each other was more stable then the random meetups on the pier. They became close, usually found together when they both had free time. Y/n could confidently say that he was one of her closest friends, alongside Nightwing and Zatanna.

His expression changed, from concern to understanding, the smile returning.

“you’ll be alright, its not a big mission, just some surveillance” his words helped her a little, the nerves calming down. He rested a hand on her shoulder as perhaps some kind of reassuring act, but it sent a strange feeling through her mind.

“yeah, alright” she swallowed, looking forwards, and hoping beyond hope that the burning feeling rising to her cheeks and ears was covered by her domino mask. Unfortunately, luck didn’t seem to be on her side at that moment.

“Y/n, are you . . . blushing?” Kaldur asked, drawing her attention back to him, instead of hyper fixating on making the blush fade.

“No” she replied, glad that her training with Nightwing and Batman left her with a good control over her voice and expressions - the blush was something she had little to no control over unfortunately. She continued however, the question throwing her into a defensive reply. “Its not your business anyways”. That made her cringe at her own words and guilt crawled in her. Kaldur seemed to let out a breath, dropping his hand from her shoulders and stepping back a little.Y/n frowned at the movement. Had she offended him? Was what she said - lying - wrong? Y/n looked at the ground, fiddling now with the corner of her suits belt, her hands moving with nervous energy. Nightwing announced the mission details, explaining what each squad would be doing. He would be keeping an eye on everything from the cave, but Y/n herself was on a lookout team with Kaldur and Zatanna. Once the group split up into the teams and started heading out, Zatanna approached Y/n, smiling.

“Where’s Kaldur? I assumed he’d be with you” she looked confused, around as if Kaldur would be hiding.

“I’m not sure, he left a little while ago” Y/n turned, and Kaldur was indeed gone from where he had been standing. Zatanna lit up when she spotted him by the Zeta Tube.

“There he is, come on Y/h/n” Zatanna walked towards him, the other female following quickly behind. They were silent when travelling to their location. Even Zatanna seemed to see there was some sort of strange tension between the two heroes, though not sure where it had sprouted from. As far as Zatanna understood, the two were close friends. After arriving at the location, Kaldur spoke to Zatanna quietly for a moment, the girl nodded and Kaldur walked towards Y/n, holding his hand out.

“take my hand, please?” he asked, making Y/n frown as she couldn’t decern the tone of voice he was using. So, she took his hand and he pulled her off to the side, out of the earshot of Zatanna, who took over the job of keeping an eye out for what they were looking for.

“Do you trust me?” He asked, sitting her down on the ground and sitting across from her.

“Always” Y/n replied, quicker then she would have liked. Kaldur nodded.

“Then why don’t you tell me whats wrong? You’ve been cold lately, colder then usual, and I want to make sure you are alright, and if there is anything that I can do to help you” Y/n looked down, scratching her arm nervously. She mustn’t have been as subtle as she would have liked then. Kaldur sat up a little straighter. “I don’t mind you taking your time, but I would like to know if I can help you in any way”

“I like you” she replied. Cringing at her bluntness. He was definitely sitting up straighter now. “And I don’t know how to deal with it - and i’m sorry if I've been rude to you, or anything like that” she paused. “I’m just not sure what to do, and I don’t think i’m ready for anything serious, but i’d like to see where it goes and-” Y/n paused to take a breath. Thats when Kaldur interjected.

“Y/n, slow down a little bit please, you don’t need to explain anything to me” he smiled.

“I’m sorry”

“don’t be, you don’t need to apologise for experiencing hardships, you take your time and take steps at your own pace, and i’ll be right there beside you when you need me” He got to his feet, offering his hand to help her up.

“Sorry- uh, thank you Kaldur” she smiled, and he returned the expression.

“If you guys are done? We’ve got some movement down there” Zatanna called to them from where she was set, watching over the empty cortyard.

“We should probably get back to work” Y/n laughed nervously.

“Probably” Kaldur replied, the two walking towards Zatanna.

Some relationships aren’t sudden. They require communication between both parties, settling on what best fits them. And Y/n? She just needed time. So Kaldur would wait until she was ready.

***

THIS TOOK 10000 YEARS . HERE YOU GO

onto DCACB chapter 3

requests are open! tag list : @silverdecepticon93 @izzieg3987 @starr60

#young justice #young justice oneshot #young justice x reader #young justice headcanons #Kaldur'ahm #kaldur x reader #kaldur #aqualad x reader #aqualad #batsis #the team #oneshot #nightwing #zatanna

127 notes · View notes

borderline-itsfine · 3 years

Text

TW: mental illness, self harm, triggers, swear words, mention of therapy, mention of “mum” or mum figure.

Okay. Let’s stop right there. I don’t look mentally ill.... wh.... what does that even mean? I don’t.... what? I don’t look mentally ill. How is mentally ill supposed to look?

Because I didn’t brush my hair today and turned it into my aesthetic. My dress isn’t ironed and it’s only clean because my mum did my washing for me. I became hyper focused on my make up today.... again. It’s my newest “thing” and I’ve wasted money that I needed on it on an impulse buy where refunds aren’t accepted. I like shaving my legs, haven’t for..... ??? Same with arm pits. That pic is also the one I liked most from around 105 other pics, in different rooms.... with different lighting.... poses, smile, head tilt, slight.face.change.only.I.notice and tbh I really fucking hate myself while I go through 105 photos, some where I forgot the filter and I saw mirror me. Hate her.

Every time I walk across a bridge I want to throw my fucking phone off it. Typing that made me really angry. There is just something about walking over a bridge and smashing my phone off it. I think of it and my whole body gets agitated, I might even twitch. It’s now all I can think about. I want to do it. I love my phone! There’s so many precious photos on there (I don’t back up stuff, I want to though, promise....) and I don’t want to smash my phone but I really, really want to throw it off a bridge and smashing it. I think about this every day. I don’t know why I’m so passionate about it. This one I can trigger on purpose and I regret it every time because one day I think I’ll do it and then hate myself. All those f-bombs are totally impulsive by the way lol if I didn’t write those I was never gunna sleep until I did. That’s just the rules. I don’t make the rules but I do.

I have little impulse control, especially if I’m manic or psychotic at the time.... I do shit I regret CONSTANTLY. And I know it’s going to make a mess of my life but I do it anyway, come down after it and regret it.... then I bury it so deep until the next time I do said thing. Most of the time it’s for attention and most of the time I get it even if I manipulate it out of people. I will go to the kitchen, take my meds, walk over to my mum who’s in another room and tell her that I’m not taking them today or ever again.... ???? I just took them. I do the same the next day. It makes her mad. Make sense? Nope. But I can’t stop myself from doing this. I feel guilty every time I do it. There’s constant conflict in my head.

I test people to see how far I can push before they leave me and then I test that boundary for the rest of the time I know you. Don’t worry, it’s only if you’re in my close circle of people who might care for me, mum, FP, siblings, friends.... they cop it the most and I love them and they don’t deserve it but my golly gosh, sometimes I’m just that mad that everything inside me explodes out and I become a monster. I’ve said things I can never take back that make me want to die every day. Evil, evil things. I hate myself for it. I feel a lot of guilt and shame about this. I bet everyone is so done with my shit. Because same. Everyone else, I’m just adjusting myself to whatever social context I’ve found myself in. I’m good at adapting. You’ll like me, promise because I am you, pretty much.

I mask. Incredibly well. That’s not about my face. Next is about my face. I make it LOOK like I’m not mentally ill by literally ACTING LIKE IM NOT MENTALLY ILL. But I am, on the inside, like in my brain. Which you can’t see. Because it’s a MENTAL ILLSESS. Do umm... do we get it? I feel like we get it. I hope we get it. I’m also self aware, which took years of self reflection and therapies so I could learn about myself and try to “fix” it or at least just learn enough to do the opposite of some things. I’m mentally ill but I’m still a person, I’m still out here doing people stuff, doing the best I can.

Also, you may also notice I have a black eye. I was having a psychotic episode that was triggered because I argued with FP and they ignored me for what I see now was their own sanity. So I feel pretty rejected and abandoned. I just need to add that myself and FP have an extremely unhealthy relationship and I’m aware of this also. Erghhhhh. Anyway. While they were ignoring me, I called them as many times as I could. I also wanted to kill my self. I also told them this. Fucked up right? And I would never do this if I wasn’t in an episode. I then became frustrated and stressed and when that’s at max level I begin to punch myself in the head and the face.

This hurts, a lot. I’m often seen with a black eye, facial bruising, head lumps and split lips because I punch myself in the head. This is also new for me, maybe the last 12 months I’ve done this. One day I just couldn’t keep it in anymore and started punching myself in the head. I hate myself when I do this.

I hate myself a lot and I hate that statement. Dw I do love myself too. Depends on the hour or the minute. I promise I’m not faking. This is just today. It’s 10:30 in the morning and I was trying to cover a black eye at around 5:30 because I had a dream that felt too real and I was really angry and couldn’t sleep and I kept getting brain zaps.

This is what it’s like in my head. I know you can’t see it, I know I don’t say it but trust me, my head is.... and the hating myself and being exhausted all the fucking time by everything because so difficult.

Please don’t tell people they don’t look mentally ill. This is also the only place where I can vent like this and people are like “same, just same” and we nod at each other and we carry on. It’s beautiful. Don’t ruin that for us! It feels like the world doesn’t get it as it is.

Also, I REALLY LOVE YOU LOVES! ❤️❤️ thanks for being there and listening to all my bullshit. Especially when I don’t proof read very often so idk if it even makes sense. I’m glad you guys support it though, you’ve been the best diary I’ve ever had 🥰

#RANT #VENT #BPD #ADHD #GAD #BAD1 #BORDERLINE #PERSONALITY #DISORDER #mentally ill #probably makes no sense #didn’t proof read again #sorry everyone #back with my bullshit #don’t message me with this

9 notes · View notes