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tetsunabouquet · 1 year

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(I’m already half-way through writing Basic Instict chapter 8, with a bit of luck I’ll post it tonight but I just want to get this off of my chest)

I kind of want to post a rant. Like, ever read an article that seriously pisses you off? I read this one from the New York Post about how a lot of young women are turning their backs against birth control, and it really left a sour taste in my mouth.

It’s one thing to talk about the negative side effects, but its another thing to ignore the positive effects when talking about it. Birth control does so much more then protection and helping against acne, it can also be used to help women who’s menstrual symptoms are re-occuringly worse then average. Like women who are intensly sick during their periods, or become emotionally unstable.

In my family, emotional unstability is a common issue amongst the women. I nearly committed suicide after Bambi’s mom got shot one time, and that is why I have been described birth control years ago. I am not the first in my family to have been described some form of hormone treatment. My grandma suffered from extreme emotional insability during her meno pauze and even attempted murder once because of it. Yet, the critical crowd isn’t actually acknowledging that ‘natural’ hormones, aren’t always the right thing for women either and this is very important because negative bias exists. If people frame it like the effects of birth control are, other then acne, bad for women, then less and less people are inclined to take it. Other then the fact this is influencing young girls their personal choice, chances are, the more birth control becomes exclusive hormone treatment for the women who need it, the likelier the pharmaceutical industry will demand a higher price for these pills. People like to complain about the government, but the pharmaceutical industry is genuinely just as shady. If Covid didn’t taught the healthy crowd anything, I’d advice you to look into the stories of people with rare conditions who pay thousands for their medication. Not because it’s so god damn expensive to produce, but because the pharmaceutical industry knows these people are desperate, especially if its in the case of parents taking care of their extremely ill kid who’ll die without it. That’s normal bussiness in the pharmaceutical industry, and I genuinely wished that people started talking about improving side effects of medication and negatives about the pharmaceutical industry itself. THAT is helpful to anyone.

Because right now, articles like these only play into one specific trend I’ve noticed over and over again: Science denialism. The doctor they talked with in that article has written a book about the negative effects of birth control and they advertised it in the article too. Obviously, she wants to sell her book and won’t talk about the negative effects of ‘natural’ hormones because it doesn’t fits her agenda. She’s far from the only one. You can spot proffesionals wanting to sell a book or program, everywhere in places where science denialism is running rampant. For example, the body positivity community on TikTok. The number of studies saying obesity is unhealthy still outnumber all the ones about things like the obesity paradox, and people who’ve investigated studies linked by fat acceptance activists have actually revealed they often twist the few positive studies to begin with. Like one they used, did track if people lost weight over the course of years but the study wasn’t about intentional weight loss and none of the people in the group were actually mentioned to have tried to lose weight. A lot of these are still their early thirties or younger, and don’t have any health issues YET. This fits the pattern of the girls questioned in this article, but also the conspiracy theories about Covid: Most of these science critical people are below the age of 50 and don’t suffer from long-term health issues so far, with social media giving them an easy time to spread their ideas and criticism.

It’s worrying to me, because other then a chunk of these people could endanger their health or worse, die from their science denialism, it makes the future seem scary. The more science denialism takes over, the more diseases and health issues will rise on top of the rise of babies when our planet is already overcrowded. That one woman in the article stating she is now tracking her cycle instead made me cringe so hard. Did no one at school tell her that such a method doesn’t work? Just how poor is the sex education in the US, considering a lot of these people also still believe in abstinence. How many of you are actually aware science has predicted pandemics are going to be likelier then ever because of how overcrowded the planet is becoming as there are still so many diseases we can catch from the animal kingdom and living closer and closer to wild animals due to the little space on our planet means the chances of contracting one gets higher. Aids, ebola, Covid, its all just the start, and having more babies because of science denialism is only going to make this likelihood worse then it currently is. I don’t want to die in the next pandemic because some random girls were too worried about the decrease in their sexual desire. Fuck that shit.

#science denialism #birth control #dangers for the future #tetsutalk #we should all just go after the pharmaceutical industry y'all

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rhube · 10 months

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Full tweet reads:

50 people (the #Renegade50) will start the #RemissionBiome self-experiment, supervised by healthcare providers, soon.

More than half of the 50 need financial support for the base protocol, which costs $3k including safety testing.

If we add on additional interventions that we think will make remission & baseline increase even more likely, it ends up being $4.5k and nearly all of the participants aren't able to afford it.

Please donate to help and/or share with your networks! All donations go directly to support these individual.

I missed the first round of this because of all the stress with work, but I have applied for the next round. That means this round needs to be successful for me to have a shot. And they don't yet have enough money.

I have been super stressed today because my medical trauma has been retriggered by going through a protracted Occuptional Health Assessment with a specialist who thinks the ONLY form or treatment is 'pacing' and that even though I'm too sick for work I need to be working to recover.

It's not that I don't want to work, it's that I CAN'T, and after 11 years I'm really struggling to deal with the intransigent UK doctor belief that we can't even try pharmaceutical interventions.

People with ME/CFS pass around rumours like the resistance in occupied France: 'This doctor will prescribe LDN, if you can get to see them.' 'I heard of a nurse who does Saline IVs - if a doctor won't prescribe it you can pay, she'll even come to your house!' (Both treatments with research behind them - eg patients with orthostatic intolerance/dizziness (common) are often a litre down on blood - but most UK doctors won't know this and won't prescribe it.)

In other countries, especially the US, it's normal to present options (although whether insurance covers them is another matter), but few approaches combine treatments, despite the multifaceted, systemic nature of the disease. RemissionBiome is combining treatments, based on research, to maximise the chance of improvements. And they accept international applications. And the lead researchers have had the condition themselves, and ran the first round of tests on themselves - with marked improvement!

Patient-led, pharmaceutical, multifacited research like this is absolutely essential. We have languished for DECADES under the damaging mantras of the Royal College of Physicians, who thought it was all in our heads.

If you can donate, please do so. If you can't, please reblog. Even small donations count, as they show to larger donors the belief the community has in the project.

#mecfs #cfs #long covid #remission biome

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recentlyheardcom · 7 months

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SEATTLE (AP) — An Idaho woman is suing her one-time fertility doctor, saying he secretly used his own sperm to inseminate her 34 years ago — the latest in a string of such cases brought as at-home DNA sampling enables people to learn more about their ancestry.Sharon Hayes, 67, of Hauser, Idaho, said in the lawsuit that she sought fertility care from Dr. David R. Claypool, an obstetrician and gynecologist in Spokane, Washington, in 1989 after she and her then-husband had been unable to conceive.She wanted an anonymous donor, and, according to the complaint filed Wednesday in Spokane County Superior Court, Claypool informed her the donor would be selected based on traits she selected, such as hair and eye color, and that the donor would be screened for health or genetic issues. He charged $100 cash for each of several treatments, saying the money was for the college or medical students who were donating the sperm, the lawsuit said.But last year, her 33-year-old daughter, Brianna Hayes, learned who her biological father was after submitting her DNA to the genetic testing and ancestry website 23andMe, Brianna Hayes told The Associated Press on Thursday.“It's been an identity crisis, for sure,” she said. “This was hidden from me my whole life. I felt traumatized for my mom, and the fact that I'm a product of his actions is off-putting.”Hayes also learned something else: She had at least 16 other half-siblings in the area, she said. It was not immediately clear if any other women are pursuing legal claims against Claypool.The AP was unable to reach Claypool through phone numbers listed for him. His lawyer, Drew Dalton, declined to comment in response to an emailed request, saying he had not had a chance to speak with his client.Dalton told The Seattle Times, which first reported about the lawsuit Thursday, the matter had been in mediation. But the newspaper reported that Claypool claimed he had no knowledge of the allegations and didn't know Sharon Hayes. He stopped practicing in 2005, he said.“I know people are very happy,” Claypool said of his past patients. “But this is the first I’ve heard of anything in 40 years.”A number of cases of “fertility fraud” have arisen as online DNA services have proliferated. Last year, a New York Times story said more than 50 U.S. fertility doctors had been accused of fraud related to donated sperm, and a Netflix documentary focused on an Indiana fertility specialist who secretly fathered at least 94 children while inseminating patients.A Colorado jury awarded nearly $9 million to three families who accused a fertility doctor of using his own sperm to inseminate mothers who requested anonymous donors.The claims in Sharon Hayes' lawsuit include fraud, failure to obtain consent in violation of state medical malpractice law, and violation of state consumer protection law for “his scheme to charge cash for his own sperm, while he was representing it was a donor's sperm,” said RJ Ermola, an attorney for Hayes.Brianna Hayes said she has enjoyed getting to know her half-siblings, but she has never met Claypool. She initially sought genetic information to see if it would help explain health issues, including a childhood bout with leukemia — “conditions that do not run on my mom's side of the family.”She said her mother has struggled with the revelation: “She's a puddle this morning,” she said. “She feels immense guilt for putting me in this situation. I told her, ‘This wasn’t you at all — you went through all the appropriate channels to do what you needed to do. You were just being a mom, wanting to be a loving mother.'"

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la-jolie-mln-posts · 11 months

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Caring for a child with addiction

One woman’s story on finding joy.

Moyra’s Story

Moyra and I met at a business dinner held last year at La Jolie MLN. It was a well-attended event, and each woman got the chance to give a bit of her background and talk about her business. It’s the way relationships are made, and the mix of talent was impressive.

A year later, our mutual friend Daisy Malek-Shadid, owner of La Jolie MLN, put us in touch so that I could interview Moyra for this story. It turns out we have something in common. I have 40 years of sobriety in AA, and Moyra has been playing a key role in her daughter’s fight with an eating disorder.

First a little background.

A retired nurse, Moyra has been working for the past 23 years as a wellness ambassador for Shaklee Corporation, a leading name in natural nutritional supplements. “I chose Shaklee,” she told me “because, although I wanted to work in the health industry, most supplements are unregulated and market themselves as “all natural’, although that is often not the case. Shaklee is different. They do clinical trials on every product they offer. And they have a chain of custody that goes all the way from raw materials to finished products. Shaklee is the one company that can - and does - make the claim ‘We are beyond organic.’”

How did you come to face addiction?

“Throughout the last 22 years, we’ve had four children; three boys and a girl. At 16 our daughter developed an eating disorder. It was a huge threat to us as a family; she would cycle in and out of treatment centers, and frankly, we didn’t know if she was going to live. As a mom with a long career in healthcare, it seems like a cruel irony. Why was this happening to us?

The statistics on eating disorders are frightening:

The most common age of onset is 12 to 25

Anorexia and bulimia affect about 2-3 percent of all women

Individuals who fall victim to these diseases tend to be perfectionistic, sensitive to criticism, and self-doubting

50 to 75% of patients eventually recover

Coping with an eating disorder

For Moyra, coping with her daughter’s condition ultimately demanded that she set boundaries. “That,” said Moyra “meant taking care of myself…actually putting myself first for a change.”

Moyra loved being a mom. “We had a schedule on the pantry door that listed all the games and swim meets, but when my daughter was overtaken by her addition, it absorbed my whole being. I was in a world of hurt. Friends said ‘You need to do something for yourself.’” And when I did that, it helped my daughter too.”

Dancing for joy

I decided to take ballroom dance lessons. It was something I watched on TV, and I loved the grace and fun of it. So, I thought why not? Lessons became a couple-of-times-a-week thing that soon turned into competitions. Very recently, I did a dance competition that was a combination of tango and cha-cha. My daughter came to watch, and when I got home, she said, “Mom, you’re killing it; you’re out there smiling and shaking your hips…I could feel the joy. I’m so proud of you.”

Moyra added, “Here’s something I learned. Boundaries let us set a living example of going for a full life. Over the years I’ve grown. As my daughter began to recover, she wrote me letters saying that as I found joy, it was an inspiration to her. I know now that there was nothing I could do until she was ready to help herself.”

Seeking help

Dancing brought me joy, but I used Al Anon, a 12-Step program to help me understand addiction and embrace a set of tools. I learned:

Get off the roller coaster; it’s your daughter’s experience

Learn all you can about eating disorders

Get a therapist for your daughter and one for yourself. This is essential to break the toxic codependency

Today

My daughter is doing well today. She lives one day at a time, has the support of a great therapist, and works her own program.

As a result of everything I’ve learned, I started a podcast called “Your Journey to Joy.” I believe it’s there everyone. Sometimes it’s the joy of dance, a good therapist, and learning how to let go. I also found great recovery in journaling. I recommend this to anyone on the journey to recovery. For me it was a life saver.

Get a copy of Moyra’s “Journal To Joy” at La Jolie MLN.

La Jolie MLN: ”It’s our mission to give young ladies the lessons all of you can share with us. So, let’s share our experiences, strength and stories.

I cordially invite you to join a cohort of empowered women. Please send your stories to [email protected]

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whump-a-la-mode · 3 years

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A hero is in a coma. Villain visits them every single day, loosing sleep, not eating, their life is now completely focused around the empty hospital room.

Until hero wakes up and notices how sick villain has become due to anxiety and not taking care of themselves. Caretaking?

This is such a cute ask!! There’s only a little caretaking, but as always I’d be happy to write some more ^^

To all non-Americans out there, I am so sorry for using our weird 12 hour clock in this piece

CW//Comas, medical settings, just some horrible self care, mentions of explosions, bad hygiene, sleep deprivation, low self esteem, blaming self, strong language

“How are they doing?”

The voice alone was enough to make Doctor jump, spinning on their heels with such quickness that their shoes squealed on the tiled hospital floor.

Oh. It was just Villain.

Just Villain. It was a ridiculous thought to have, and they were well aware of that fact. Only a few short weeks ago, the name would have been enough to make any well-minded civilian tremble. It was bad enough, to hear it spoken on the news. Worse, to hear it not coming from a television-- in some cases, that name was all the warning one was given, before a terrible fate befell them. A nameless causality in the never-ending battle of good and evil.

But, now, there was no terror associated with it.

Most hospitals, Doctor was well aware, were fortunate enough that villains did not often pass through their doors. When they did, in the best cases, it was to seek treatment. In the worst cases, they had far more destructive intentions.

Their hospital, however, was an exception. There is a saying, that one can get used to anything, and with their experience, they now believed it to be more than true.

Doctor sighed, letting their shoulders fall.

“Visiting hours are over, Villain. You need to go home.”

The villain’s eyes widened, flickering momentarily to the nearest clock. In fact, it was past the end of visiting hours. Well past. Night rounds were about to begin, even.

It was simply so easy to forget Villain, hunched over in their little plastic chair.

Especially with those big, pathetic eyes with which they regarded Doctor.

“I can’t leave.” They pleaded. “Not yet. Can’t I stay just another hour?”

“No, Villain. We’ve been over this. You can come back tomorrow, bright and early, right at seven.”

“But it’s eleven, now! That’s eight hours. Eight hours they’ll be alone.”

“Not alone.” Doctor bit their lower lip. They knew full well that the person before them could render them to a charred corpse in mere seconds, if they so wished. Their tense, skipping heartbeat wouldn’t let them forget it. But, there was no malice in their eyes. Not an ounce. Only that terrible, pitiful sorrow. The sorrow that never seemed to leave them. “There’s people here, all night. A whole medical staff. If anything happens, they won’t be alone. I promise.”

Villain’s lip quivered. Weren’t they supposed to be dangerous?

“You’re sure I can’t stay? Just another hour?”

“I’m sure.”

“O-Okay.” The villain reached into their shoulder bag, and, for a moment, Doctor nearly pressed the nearest panic alarm. Yet, they withdrew no weapon. Instead, Villain took a small, spiral-bound notebook in hand, offering it. “Here are my notes. Um, just so you know. What they did today.”

Doctor’s gaze downcast to the paper. They already had three of these, piled on their desk. Filled to the brim. This one had only recently been started.

The page the notebook was turned to displayed the same thing as all the rest: Impeccably neat handwriting, dividing the page into half hour blocks. In each, letters of equal quality described the patient’s condition, down to the most minute detail.

3:30 - Minor twitching of the eyelids accompanied by singular irregular heartbeat.

4:00 - No abnormalities.

4:30 - Twitching of left index finger.

5:00 - Abnormal breath at around 5:12.

It was the best-kept record of a comatose patient’s condition that Doctor had ever seen. Even if it wasn’t exactly helpful, with how repetitive the patient’s movements tended to be, it was downright impressive.

“Thank you, Villain. I’ll tell the receptionist to expect you at seven?”

“Is there any chance I could come in earlier than that?”

“No. I’m sorry. Visiting hours start at seven.”

“I’m quiet. You know I’m quiet. I won’t be a bother to anybody.”

“I know, Villain. If...” They knew they needed to say something, or this argument would continue all night long. “If anything happens, we have your number on file. I’ll call you myself.”

“Really?” Their eyes widened. “You promise?”

“I promise. Now, you need to go home.”

“Okay.”

“You won’t hide in the bathroom and try to stay late this time?”

“You saw?”

“Everyone saw, Villain. Now, you’ve gotta skedaddle.”

The villain nodded hesitantly, looking to their shoes as they turned, moving down the hallway. As they left, Doctor could not help but mutter in their wake:

“And get some rest.”

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Six weeks.

Those two words echoed hollowly in Villain’s mind as they plodded along the damp sidewalk, lit only by the dewy echoes of streetlights overhead. The hour was late enough, and the city tired enough, that the streets were nearly deserted-- a state they were in so very rarely.

Their henchmen had spoken to them so many times, lecturing them that moving through the city’s depths, alone and unprotected, was terribly dangerous. Any hero, or any vigilante too cocky for their own good, could try their luck in an ambush.

But, Villain could hardly bring themself to care.

Six weeks.

That was all they cared about.

Six weeks since Hero had moved. Six weeks since they’d spoken, since they’d awoken. Exactly six, now.

Exactly six weeks since...

Villain’s hands clenched to fists at their sides, overgrown nails digging into the meat of their palms.

Since they’d made the biggest mistake of their life. Since the two sworn nemeses, Hero and Villain, light and dark, good and evil, had had their final battle. An industrial sabotage gone wrong.

They should have known better! Better than to use their pyrokenisis in an oil refinery.

But, that hadn’t. They hadn’t been thinking. They never thought! They were so stupid, so reckless, so careless...

Villain’s ears still rung from the explosion.

Their injuries meant nothing, even as they still throbbed. No. Because, for the last six weeks, they had been awake. Moving. Talking.

Hero hadn’t been so lucky.

When they at last arrived at their HQ, the halls were silent. Life existed only in the form of a scattering of guards, nodding their respects, but making no other gestures.

It was with weary legs that Villain ascended to their bedroom. They hardly noticed its state-- they’d grown used to the scatterings of clothes and papers. Instead, upon opening the door, their eyes snapped to the bed.

More specifically, the item upon it. They rushed to it, yanking it off the mussed blankets.

A book. A note, upon its cover.

“Went to bed before I could give this to you. It’s that book you wanted - Henchman”

Villain removed the note, far more interested in the cover it hid.

A Neurologist’s Guide to Chronic Vegetative States

There were more than enough pages within to last them until sunrise; until visiting hours at last recommenced.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

At 5:40, the sun began its ascent, bathing the sky in a dull hue of blue.

When six o’ clock came, the first rays of light could be seen, flashing over the horizon.

With the strike of 6:10, Villain placed down their book. They were only around halfway through-- wandering eyes and brief minutes of dozing lowering the speed at which their foggy mind could process the medical textbook.

They would have more than enough time to read, the next night. The book didn’t matter. What mattered was that visiting hours would commence in 50 minutes, exactly.

Twenty minutes to walk to the hospital. Meaning that, to get there early, they needed to leave in fifteen.

Rubbing sleep from their eyes, Villain rose from their chair, knees popping and cracking all the way to the bedroom door. Quickly, they changed into the cleanest clothes they could find, if only for the sake of appearances, before heading out.

Showering could wait. Showers took time, time that could be spend watching. Reading. Taking notes.

Helping. Doing anything, anything they could to help.

Emerging into the hallway, they startled a moment. The lights had already been turned on, despite the fact that their henchmen never awoke this early. Perhaps they had simply forgotten to turn them off the night prior.

Yet, there were noises, from downstairs.

There was no fear left in their body to feel. Justifications were quickly made, and they ran down the stairs.

Entering the kitchen, a scent hit Villain, forceful as a gust of wind. The scent of food-- warm and fresh and garnished with garlic.

Before the stove, Henchman stood. Out of all those Villain employed, Henchman was the least likely to be awake at such an hour. Often, they dragged themself from bed well after ten.

Yet, here they stood, flipping a pancake in a skillet.

“Hey, boss.” Their henchman turned, a grin glimmering upon their face. “I’m almost done here. Get yourself something to drink.”

Villain blinked.

“What... are you doing?”

“Making breakfast? I thought that’d be pretty obvious.”

“Yeah, I can see that. But... Why? You never eat breakfast.”

“Yeah. It’s not for me. ‘s for you, boss.”

They shook their head, glancing at the clock. 6:17.

“I’m not hungry. Besides, I really need to get going.”

“Boss.” There was an endeared, yet frustrated, tone to the voice. “When was the last time you ate?”

“You made me eat a granola bar yesterday.”

“And the day before that, you didn’t eat anything. So, you’re eating breakfast, if I have to shove it down your throat.”

They clenched their hands to fists.

“I don’t have time for this! Visiting hours are going to start soon. I need to be there.”

“No. You need to eat. Then you can go to the hospital.”

“You don’t get to decide that. I need to go. I’m sorry.”

“Boss.” Henchman slid the pancake onto a plate before deftly stepping between their boss and the front door. “I don’t mean to be blunt, but you look like hell. I know you haven’t been sleeping. Everyone knows it. If you keep acting like this, you’re going to be the one in a hospital bed.”

Villain gritted their teeth.

“Maybe that’s what I deserve. Now, fuck off. Get someone else to eat your damn pancakes.”

With those words, and furious footsteps, they emerged onto the sidewalk outside.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

When Receptionist arrived at their desk, there was already a patron, sitting in their waiting room.

A few short weeks ago, such would have been unusual. While other parts of the hospital were occupied day and night, the appointments handled by this room did not begin until the hospital actually opened-- right at seven.

Now, though, there was nothing strange about it.

Before they could so much as sit down, Villain was already moving towards them.

Receptionist could not help but note their appearance.

Working in a hospital, they had long since grown used to seeing the sick and injured. And yet, there was something particularly distressing about this case.

They supposed, it was because they had seen it happen. Usually, when patients arrived at the hospital, it was because they could no longer manage their own conditions. Their bodies were in shambles. They showed up in their damaged states.

Villain, on the other hand, had first appeared to the waiting room is relatively good health.

Then, they had begun to appear tired.

And thin.

Now, their appearance matched that of the comatose patient that they were here to see. Skin clung taught about their cheekbones, their flesh pale and eyes glazed over. Most semblances of hygiene had been abandoned entirely; some parts of their hair had even begun to mat, and dirt clung to them like caked and cracked makeup.

But, there was something else in their eyes. The sheer essence of undying compassion.

It was that alone that prevented Receptionist from sending them away.

Villain had no need to speak. As soon as they had time to sit, the hospital employee had paged the proper floor-- a sequence of buttons that had quickly become muscle memory.

“You can go up, now.” They spoke. With a wearied nod, Villain moved to begin their ceaseless watch.

Neither of them could have guessed that, an hour later, the unthinkable would come true.

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When Hero awoke, it was to the sound of a pencil, scratching at paper.

The world filled in with a terrible, exhaustion tedium. Above them, blurs of white and grey turned to a sterile, white tile, while the world about solidified to four pale, beige walls.

A hospital. They’d been in enough to recognize as such, with just how clumsy their teammates tended to be.

But why were they here, now...? Who had gotten hurt, this time? They couldn’t quite remember.

Rolling onto their side, the question was quickly answered.

Villain appeared to be on death’s doorstep, about to press the doorbell. Matted hair clung to their neck, eyes drooping and skin appearing as though there was no blood beneath it at all.

At the very least, they had made it to the hospital before suffering any serious damage.

Wait.

It was only then that Hero realized who exactly was in the room’s hospital bed.

#villain whumpee #hero whumpee #hero villain whump #whump #whumpblr #whump community

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informationsorter · 3 years

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How to keep yourself safe from fear mongering and misinformation.

I know there's a lot of fear mongering out there, which feeds on misinformation and the common anxieties of those who have (or suspect they have) a disorder such as DID/OSDD.

The first rule is of course, do not trust anyone on the internet.

This includes me.

Fear mongering is when someone spreads fear and/or terror. Usually with a hidden agenda, but it can also be spread by those who don't know any better and who have been caught up in the fear. If someone is describing a terrifying situation (especially one that starts out seeming fine, but gradually becomes scarier and scarier until it reaches dystopian proportions), it is likely that it is just a fear mongering tactic. An example of fear mongering is "Gay marriage will lead to adults marrying children!". It usually involves multiple steps, which start out with a grain of truth, but twist the facts or use false equivalencies to make it seem as though their worst-case scenario is a real danger. The aim of fear mongering in this example is to convince people to vote against marriage equality. Inspiring fear in a person can also be used to scam that person. How many times have you heard of someone getting an official-sounding phone call which tells them they will be arrested if they don’t send such-and-such amount of money to them, or if they don’t purchase giftcards and give the codes to the scammer on the phone? It is the initial shock and fear which cause a person to fall for these. Fact checking is vital.

Fear mongering.

- Take a moment to overcome your initial emotional response. You need to be able to think clearly and logically when you are confronted with something that shocks and scares you. - Try to think about their argument/statement rationally and objectively. Is it likely that in this day and age a therapist would illegally force a treatment on you without informing you of all of the facts about that treatment? Would a mental health professional risk a lawsuit and the loss of their licence by refusing to answer your questions about a treatment that they are insisting on? - Check for sources, and it is very important that you not only READ their sources, but also look for other sources by yourself. The source/s supplied by a fear mongerer will often support their statements and seem fairly convincing, but actually contain very little fact. You need to do an independent search for information which supports their claims, and information which contradicts their claims. If there is no truth to their claims, you will struggle to find reputable sources which support it, and are likely to find many that have evidence showing that the claim is false. (There is of course the chance that something is true but does not have sources for it - eg 50 years ago, there may not have been many official sources supporting the idea that being gay is fine, and there would have been many official sources claiming that being gay was a disease.)

Do not take any one person's word as fact.

- Check for reliable sources that back their statements.

- Look for multiple opinions/input, from a variety of sources. It's no good asking 10 people in the same group for their opinions and then taking it as fact if they all agree. If you are searching for information, you need to take everyone's advice/input/opinion with a grain of salt, and seek a wide variety of people to ask.

- If someone claims that such-and-such is the ONLY possible way to experience something, you should look into why they are claiming that, and what reliable sources they have to back it up.

- If something is really a fact, there will be SEVERAL reliable sources discussing it. Not just one source being reblogged or referenced by multiple other sources.

Check sources.

- Look at whether the person is actually linking the direct source of their "facts" or not. If they are simply claiming that such-and-such says this, or vaguely indicating that a certain government or organisation supports their view... That's not good enough. You will have to actually research it yourself and see whether that is the case or not.

- Be cautious if someone has quoted something but does not tell you where the quote comes from.

- Look at the full quote, not just the part that the person has quoted in their post/statement. It can be easy to take things out of context, and make it seem like the source supports a certain view, when in reality it does not.

- Actually open the links if someone is citing them as a source that supports their statement. It's very easy to assume that because someone has cited multiple sources, that those sources are accurate and relevant. But in reality, it would be quite easy to simply link a bunch of random official-sounding URLs, that actually have nothing to do with it.

Check credentials.

- If someone is claiming to be a therapist, scientist, or anyone working in a medical field, you should not believe them unless you are seeing them in a professional capacity IRL.

- You are

ALWAYS

entitled to see the qualifications of someone who is treating you, whether it is your GP or a mental health professional.

- If someone online is claiming to be a trained mental health professional, but is not treating you in an official arrangement, they should not be giving you in-depth advice or diagnosis.

A mental health professional should always get to know you and your background before giving you advice. THEY WILL NEVER ATTEMPT TO TREAT YOU OR DIAGNOSE YOU WITHOUT ENTERING INTO A FORMAL PATIENT-THERAPIST ARRANGEMENT.

Seek a trusted person to help you fact check if you are having difficulties.

A lot of sources may contain heavily jargoned text, especially when discussing medical conditions/disorders.

Find someone who you know you can trust, and who is willing to admit when they are mistaken. Ask that person to help you.

DO NOT TRUST ANYONE WHO REFUSES TO ADMIT THEIR MISTAKES.

- Watch out for people using gaslighting tactics, or deleting conflicting opinions from their posts. There are some people out there who insist that they are correct, and will refuse to acknowledge any information which contradicts their statements. These people may use gaslighting techniques to supress anyone who tries to question what they've said.

- Any one who is working from a place of good intent, will be open to looking at reliable sources which contradict their statements.

- Similarly, if anyone tries to convince you that you DON’T need to check their sources, or that you can trust them without them providing sources, THIS IS A RED FLAG.

Is it ok to test someone?

In my opinion, when you are searching for accurate information, it is perfectly acceptable to test someone by asking them something you already know the answer to.

For example, when I went to the endocrinologist to talk about HRT, I asked her my most important question and she responded in a way that didn't match what my doctor had said.

So I tested her by asking a question I KNEW the answer to.

She answered incorrectly, and I knew that I would have to work hard to get accurate information out of her.

Here are some sites to help you fact check.

Scholastic.com

has an article aimed at children and teens, which is easy to understand and read. (It was also written by adults trying to use “hip” slang.)

https://choices.scholastic.com/issues/2019-20/120119/howt-to-fact-check-the-internet.html

Wikipedia

has a list of fact-checking websites, which may or may not be useful.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_fact-checking_websites

Middlebury Libraries

has a short list of non-partisan fact checking sites.

https://middlebury.libguides.com/internet/fact-checking

And finally, I am aware this is a clumsy post, fuelled by an emotional response.

PLEASE reply or reblog with any information, links, tips, guides, etc regarding fact checking or protecting yourself from fear mongering.

**********************************************************************

This post was inspired by

THIS POST,

which builds on a common fear amoung those with DID/OSDD, and drives people away from seeking help, for fear of losing themselves.

**********************************************************************

Here is what you should do

if your therapist is trying to force you into fusion.

If your therapist is trying to trick you into undergoing a treatment without giving you information, or refusing to give you all relevant information - YOU SHOULD LEAVE IMMEDIATELY AND SEEK LEGAL ADVICE.

Here is a bit more information about

possible end goals you may choose

during therapy.

#did #dissociative identity disorder #actuallydid #actuallyosdd #osdd #actually multiple #actually traumagenic #information did

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endydancer1 · 3 years

Text

We used to be strangers | Part 6

Pairing: Tom Holland x Y/N Lincoln

Summary: Tom has just finished his latest movie and his heading back home to London. While he is passing the high building, suddenly something happens what changes his life completely. What is the shadow up there?

WARNING: Mentions of injuries, blood, depression, thinking of suicide.

..................................................................................

"Tom, get the fuck out of the bathroom! You are having a shower for almost an hour! There are 3 other boys living in this house if you haven't noticed yet!" Haz was forcefully knocking on the bathroom door. He had been standing there for good 20 minutes. Tom had went to the shower at 10 am and it was almost 11! Finally the lock clicked and the door opened showing naked Tom wearing only a towel around his waist.

TOM'S POV:

"Holy Odin, thank you. What did take you so long?! Don't tell me you were actually showering 60 minutes!" Haz looked at me a bit annoyed.

"I was. I am sorry. I needed to shave and clean myself properly." I glanced innocently at him.

"Oh so you had to shave. Why? Are you going on a date? You normally don't spend that much time in a shower even if you are shaving. So what's up?"

"No, I don't have a date. I just.. Want to look nice, you know? I am coming to hospital to see Y/N."

"Oh, I see now. So you are finally falling for someone new. And while she is in hospital she can't run away from you when you would want to play with her, right?" Haz teased.

I just rolled my eyes and pushed him out of my way.

"Yeah, that's my dark plan. But it's a secret, don't tell anyone or I will be forced to play with you too." I smirked and walked into my room.

"You need someone to play with you already cuz you are unbearable." I heard Haz laughing before I closed the door behind me.

"Well, what should I wear?" I was standing on one place for good 3 minutes directly looking into my closet. - What am I doing? I have never been thinking that much about what should I wear on the regular day. I don't even shower that long. Was it really an hour?- I looked at my phone. - It was! Oh God. I wasn't that nervous and didn't care that much about my look even when I went on a first date with Anna. And another thing is I don't even have a date today! It's just.. Casual visit of someone I saved, right?- I just sighed and took step closer to my closet.

"Hmm, what about this? Jeans with denin jacket. It's a bit casual, but hey, I won't spoil anything with that." I dried my hair, dressed myself and walked out of my room. There was no one except me and Haz in the house.

"Harrison? Are you ready? Can we go?" I shouted waiting in front of his room.

"I am waiting for you in the living room you div!"

"Sorry! I thought you were still in your room!" I came down to living room.

"Well not everyone is as slow as you." He stood up and took his car keys. "Let's go!"

After lunch we went to the shopping centre, because I needed to buy something for Y/N.

"Uhm, Haz? What should I buy for Y/N? I promised her to watch movies with her, but I don't know which she would want to watch."

"Well, you probably should have asked her."

"You are not helping mate!"

"I am sorry, I am sorry, I am just messing with you,haha. Well, from what you have already said about her, she doesn't know you are an actor. So probably you can show her one of your movies."

"I don't think it would be a good idea. I don't want to look like a selfish prick. And.. What if she is that kind of girl who would want me only because of my money and fame?" I glanced at my feets and played with my fingers nervously.

"Tom, I understand, but you said she sent you a heart emoji and it's a good sign!" Haz poked my arm gently and a laugh a bit.

"Yeah, but she probably saw my Instagram profile and she probably knows I am famous by now."

"Well..it's also possible, but maybe she doesn't know yet. You know what then? Take one or two Marvel movies. Iron Man or Thor, or Avengers, to see if she like these kind of movies, take some romantic comedies, you know, because girls like them, right? Take your favourite movie and maybe.. Oh yeah, try any of your movies where you were young. If she notices it, you know? The Impossible or In the heart of the sea? "

" That can actually works. Thank you Haz, what would I do without you." I smiled at him. "And we should borrow it from movie rental, because I doubt they have Netflix in the hospital." I chuckled. We borrowed 5 movies.

"Mate look at this hoodie! I need it! Haz, I need it!"

"Oh God Tom, you have tons of Spiderman hoodies! You really don't need another one..."

"But look at it!"

"It's just saying Mr. Stark I don't feel so good! Tom, this meme is over."

"Well not for me. I am gettin' it and you can't do anything about it!"

"God, fine! Buy it, but hurry up if you want me to take you to hospital." Haz rolled his eyes and waited for me outside the shop.

"I've got it! Yay!" I rushed out of the shop full of joy from my new purchase.

"You are such a kid Tom, you know? How old are? 5?" He laughed at me. "Let's go. You should buy some snacks."

"Why? I am the snack, she can eat me" I joked.

"Or you can eat her, huh?"

"Harrison! But yeah.. Maybe I will!"

"One day.." Haz sticked his tongue out.

We teased each other the whole ride to the hospital. Harrison told me to call him when I wanted him to pick me up. We said our goodbye and I went into the building.

"Good afternoon Mrs. Brown. How are you? I know I am here a bit early, but I here to visit Y/N." I smiled at young lady at the reception. Her face had already dropped while I spoke. Sad smile appeared on her face.

"I am sorry, Mr. Holland. You should go home and rather forget about her."

"W-what? Why? What happened? Is she okay?"

"I shouldn't be telling you this, but she probably won't survive much longer."

"What? You have to be joking? I was talking to her yesterday. She was fine. What happened? If it has something to with that Melendez guy I am sorry. But ple, don't joke about her dying, I.."

"I am not joking, Mr. Holland. I would have never joked about such a thing. She is my best friend. And she is dying. So please,don't make it even harder for me."

"C-can I.. Can I at least see her? One last time?"

"I am sorry, you can't. She is on fluid resuscitation right now."

I could feel my eyes started watering. I felt familiar anxiety and my heart almost stopped working. My palms started sweating, I felt dizzy. I had to sit down for a moment.

"Do you need water, Mr. Holland?"

I wasn't able to speak. My voice was caught deep in my throat. My eyes were blankly staring at the wall in front of me. I didn't even notice when she left to grab me some water.

"Here, drink it." She handed me cup of water and crunched in front of me. "Listen, I know how you feel. Y/N is amazing person, you don't know her for a long time, but I am sure you could see that. She doesn't deserve to die like this and this soon, but it's what it is. We have to deal with it. She wouldn't want you to cry over her death. She would want you to continue your life with joy. Let's honour every moment we could spend with her and if the worst comes, we should let her die in peace. " She gently rubbed the back of my hand. I looked at her with puffy red eyes.

" I don't want her to die. " I said with raspy voice.

" I know. Me neither, but she was diagnosed with severe damages to her body, her condition is really miserable and there is only a small chance of her to survive this even with the best doctors and facilities."

I growled and put my head into my hands. I didn't even try to keep my sobbs quiet. Mrs. Brown hugged me tightly.

" Psst. It will be okay. I feel the same. You are not alone. But you should go home now. Spend some time with your family and friends. It's okay to cry, but don't let it affect you in other ways. Do you have someone to pick you up?"

"What's her diagnose? What happened? Can you at least tell me so I know when she.. When she dies what causes it?"

"She suffers a septic shock. It's severe condition when 50% of patients dies, because of multiple organs failure."

"But.. She was okay yesterday. How could it happened?"

"Septic shock is caused by sepsis which does not respond the treatment. Your blood pressure drops to a dangerously low level after sepsis."

"Oh my God." I gulped and felt dizzy again. My skin was pale.

"Mr. Holland, look at me. Do you have someone to take you home? Can you give me your phone so I can call you someone?"

I can't remember properly how I managed to unlock my phone and handed it to her. Her voice was muffled and my head hurt. I didn't know how much time passed, but suddenly Harrison appeared in front of me.

" Hey, mate. I am here, I am here. Can you stand up? I am taking you home." He helped me to stand up and led me in the car. He managed to sat me on the front seat.

"Wait for me I need to speak to the nurse. Can you do that?"

I nodded absently. He walked back to the nurse I was talking to, Mrs. Brown. She explained what happened and what he should do with me. After a minute or two, Haz took me home. I cant tell you how long the ride was, because only thing I could think about was Y/N. She was dying. Dying and I couldn't help her. I only spoke to her for a few hours, but I had already felt the bond between us. I couldn't lose her. I didn't want to be sad, broken. Not again. Not after Anna. I prayed in my head. I prayed so hard. - Please God, I have already lost the love of my life. Please, I don't want to see another person die. I have just started to have feelings for another woman, after years of being alone and crying over my sweet angel, I found another one, or at least I think I found. And you want to take her from me too? -

"Tom, Tom, please look at me. Don't cry mate, I know it's hard. I am here. Please look at me." Haz was looking at me, obviously worried. Somehow he managed to lay me down on my bed.

"Tom, do you need something? A water or something to eat?" he sat next to me on bed. I stayed quiet, not really listening what he was saying. He just sighed.

"I will give you some space. You should sleep a bit. I will be downstairs if you need something." He stood up and walked to the door.

"Stay.. Please.. I need you."

A/N: Let me know what you think about this story so far. Sorry for my English, it's not my first language and I am new with this. So I would be happy and thankful about the feedback. Have a nice day! 😊

#tom holland #tom holland x reader #tom holland spiderman #tom holland fanfiction #tom holland imagine #tomhollandfans #hollanders #haz osterfield #harrison osterfield #holland family #marvel #spiderman far from home #spiderman homecoming #spiderman #imagine #fanfiction #fanfic #tom holland x y/n #we used to be strangers

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theredhead23 · 3 years

Text

My mother is in the Hospital (end of life, please read)

Yesterday, I came home with the girls after Kira's first soccer practice and my phone started ringing. My first thought was, how the hell is calling me at this hour? I look at the caller ID, which yes, I need to know who is calling me because I don't want to talk to some people - mainly bot calls.

Anyway, the caller was a nurse from the care home. She told me that she had just sent my mother to the ER because she had a seizure. My mother has no history of seizures so I panicked a bit. I gathered some stuff and rushed out to the ER.

When I go there, a nurse was doing an assessment of my mother while the blood lady was taking vials and bottles, for blood tests and cultures. The nurse told me that my mother's temp was over 103 - which was very different than what the nurse from the care home told me, (she said it was 99.6).

Either way, my mother was laid out completely straight on the bed. She wasn't responding to anything other than grunting when pinched, swapped, or poked.

I sat down in a chair by her bed a bit shocked by this. If everyone who knows my mother, she can be a pain in the ass and always wanting her coffee. Here she wasn't really moving and breathing really heavy.

Shortly after I arrived, the doctor came in and started to ask me all sorts of questions. One that stood out was, 'has your mother had a CAT scan of her recently here or at any other hospitals?'

After a few moments of answering questions, he asked me to follow him to another room to talk.

He brought me into another room with a computer with about four screens. The biggest screen had a scan of a top of a skull.

For the next five or ten or even twenty minutes, he started to explain and show me my mother's CAT scan from 2014. It was 'relatively normal' for my mother. For those who do not know, my mother has Hydrocephalus - water around the brain. She has had it since birth and didn't get a shunt until 2011. (I can explain more about her condition later but the main thing I want you to know is that since she was untreated for Hydrocephalus for almost 50 years, her brain is damaged. (They knew she has Hydrocephalus but it was the 60's and I'm guessing they didn't know the best way of handling things or whatnot.)

Anyway, because of this, her brain has been damaged and in some was 'soften' in a way. I know there are better terms but for right now, I'm keeping it simple.

The doctor is showing me these scans from 2014 and telling me about them. Then, he clicks on the scans he had done that evening. Right away, I notice something is off and it's hard to explain in words what without the pictures to show you but they were not the same as the ones from 2014.

In the scans from yesterday, there is a large mass almost in front of her brain. It measured about 8 cm around.

One problem is with a CAT scan, you really can't see things as well as an MRI can. He continues to tell me that he had reached out to a neurologist to get other opinions. I said yes, I would like that and he showed me back to my mother's ER bay.

I sat with her for a while. I stared at her for a while. So many thoughts and almost was going on in my head.

I couldn't really tell you how longs things were taking at the point. but almost everything you could think of popped in my head.

Eventually late that night, we spoke to a neurologist who told me that it was more than a doubt a tumor - most likely cancer. The issue was that without doing a biopsy, there is really no way of telling what kind of cancer it is. Also, she added that since it is 8 cm and there was no sign at all in 2014, this has grown fast. Brain tumors do not become this size in less than seven years. So she had no doubt that it will continue to grow rapidly.

Here came the hardest debate I have ever had with myself; do I rush off like a madwoman and get it biopsied and get her treatment or removed or anything at all? Throw everything and the kitchen sink at it?

Two things popped in my mind at this point,

one: she barely beat COVID when she had it last November.

two: because of how fragile her brain is, doing anything that involves breaking into the skull is very risky. The risks will always outweigh the benefits - if any.

To biopsy this mass - this tumor involves getting into her skull and cutting a section of it out and testing it. Even if we are able to get a sample, there is a high chance that my mother would die on the table. And how helpful would that be? We know what kind of cancer it is, but she's dead.

Second, even if we know what kind of cancer it is, the treatment course of possible surgeries, chemo, radiation, and a whole cocktail of meds for her to take, what quality of life would she have?

Even before she had COVID, I choose for her to be a DNR. Because I know that life-saving actions come with risks - like CPR could break ribs. And with all of her health issues, the risk of getting the life-saving actions would do more harm in the long run than any good.

A lot of people are aware of my mother's history with me and her family. She has always been difficult, stubborn, mean, rude, and other things. Even with all these horrible qualities, she is still human. She is still a child of God. She is still a living being. She is still my mother.

As a human being, as a living thing, she deserves quality of life versus quantity of life.

Even with treatment, what would that do? Add a few months, maybe even a year to her life. But at what cost? She would be sick, weak, tired, and worn out. Just because treatment added a year, what was the benefit if she is miserable?

Please do not take this as I didn't think about it. I have at many points in my life with her.

I have watched my grandfather, my grandmother, and my grandmother-in-law die. Working at the care home for a few years, I have seen people die. I have seen some drag-on and try to fight with every breathe while I have seen others go quickly without much, or any fight. Some went peacefully with family while some went peacefully alone. Some suffered until the bitter end.

I have been quiet for the past 24 hours because I honestly don't know what to do - if I can do anything. Should I try treatment? Should I do more to extend her life? Should I just do nothing?

I have cried, stared at walls, talked to myself out loud, talked to her doctors, and even just stared at her. What is the right call for this? What is the right decision for this?

She will be turning 60 in November. My father passed away at 62-ish. Jimmy Carter is still alive at 97. Who the hell am I to make this choice?

To be honest, I'm no one. But I am a daughter, a mother myself, a wife, a sister, a friend to like four people and I am human too.

Today, after spending hours of trying to track down records for my mother (seriously, what is wrong with state and losing paperwork? [trust me, that's another story].) It was ruled due to not knowing if her shunt is MRI compatible, it's not safe to do an MRI. So the doctors decided to do another CAT scan with contrast.

With this test, nothing new was really discovered other than she has some necrotic, dead material around the tumor.

After a lot of thinking, talking, texting, calling, crying, complaining, staring, and other things, I have chosen quality over quantity for the rest of my mother's time in this world.

Now maybe writing this long babble of a post might not be the best or proper way of telling people but for me, right now, I needed to get all of it out at once and in a way, share it with everyone.

Was this easy to type? Hell no. I have spent most of the day typing bits and pieces debating on what to do and what to share.

Tomorrow morning, I am going to meet with the health care team and start making plans about hospice and end-of-life care. I will also be reaching to lots of people in the upcoming days, weeks, maybe months.

But for now, I needed to type up a long-winded post and share what is going on in one place with everyone.

I am open for emails, calls, texts, messages, letters, and any other way you feel like getting a hold of me. But for now, I am trying to take things moment by moment and not dwell on her dying but on the time she is still here. Which is really hard and really scary.

That is really all I know at the moment. I will update as I go and I will post more about my mother and stuff as well. This was not what I had in mind for October.

If you want to send well wishes to my mother, I will post about how to do it and stuff like that later. Right now, it's almost ten o'clock at night and she is asleep peacefully. I'm going to leave it here.

#hospice #dying #mother #not ready #scared #worried #exhausted #end of life #don't know what to do #lost #brain #cancer #brain tumor #saying goodbye #daughter #need help

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hatsukeii · 4 years

Note

Hiii do you have any relationship Hc's for goshiki

Hmmm this is gonna take a bit, but I have some ideas in mind:D

Our weird bowl cut boy lol

He’s gonna be Shiratorizawa’s ace... someday.

I’m gonna split this to two parts, because I write long hcs and I wanna write out how you guys dealt with your feelings before actually dating.

👾Goshiki👾

✨Confession✨

- Really clueless at first.

- By really clueless I mean REALLY CLUELESS.

- When you joined the volleyball team as manager, he definitely tried to talk big, trying to give you a good impression of who is and why you “shouldn’t mess with him.”

- He refused to get close to you, despite your efforts in trying to get him to loosen up.

- “You’re just gonna be a distraction.”

- “I’m here to beat Ushijima and become the ace of Shiratorizawa, not make friends.”

- Ah yes, the typical no bullshit shounen anime protagonist that ends up somehow becoming the little brother of the team.

- And also ends up as a tiny crush for a certain someone.

- You don’t really know when you started noticing him that much. He was kinda just... there.

- But alas, seeing how determined he is to get to the top? Mad respect.

- Maybe with time that respect slowly became admiration and attraction.

- You wanna know how determined he is? Think Kageyama, but times ten.

- This bitch waits for everyone to leave the gym after practise, then continues to train his ass off for hours. I’m talking 4-5 extra hours of training.

- You only know this because you stay behind in the gym to clean up the equipment, and he doesn’t leave the gym when you do, which is about an hour or two after practice ends.

- Whenever you ask him when he’s leaving, he just waves you off halfheartedly, usually muttering a casual “I’ll be leaving soon, don’t worry.”

- And if you think that’s it? Oh nononono.

- There has been one instance where you saw him passed out.

- Like Goshiki trained so hard he just blacked out due to exhaustion.

- How you found him?

- Well,

- Your dumbass left your textbooks in the gym, so you had to go back and retrieve it.

- It was like what, 8 in the evening, but the lights and air conditioning were still on.

- You were already weirded out, so you decided to be extra careful. You know how high schoolers are these days, who knows what they’re doing behind closed doors sometimes.

- You creak the doors open just a bit, taking a peep.

- And your eyes land on a motionless Goshiki just laying on the gym floor.

- That scene scared the shit out of you.

- You checked his pulse, and his breathing. To your relief, his pulse was still there, although it wasn’t as strong as it should be. However, his breathing was definitely shallower than usual.

- Thank god for that emergency treatment course you enrolled for last year. You knew how to treat Goshiki almost immediately, raising his legs and keeping them up with a stool you found. What you didn’t expect, was for him to not wake up even after 5 whole minutes of you checking on him.

- That time you literally called an ambulance.

- Needless to say you definitely scolded him when he woke up, before forcing him to eat and drink something.

- Turns out for the past months or so, he’s been training for an extra 4-5 hours a day, without enough food or water to replenish himself.

- It would be about 9-10pm when he got home, where he had to finish his homework and finally get some food in his system, mostly leftovers. When he’s done with homework, it would be around 1am, which would be when he actually cleans up and hauls his ass to bed.

- He has to wake up at 5am for morning practise.

- You were about to punch him when he told the doctor all that.

- Since that worrying experience, you’ve forced Goshiki to leave the gym after a maximum of two hours.

- You walked him to the bus station after every single practise, just to make sure he doesn’t pass out.

- (And also to stare at him while he listens to music and tosses the ball occasionally, but he doesn’t need to know that.)

- Goshiki honestly appreciates the walks to the bus stop and the casual conversations you guys can hold.

- And to be honest, he was pretty surprised you’d actually go along with what you said in the hospital and “Walk him home every single day until he’s done with volleyball in highschool.”

- These days you patiently wait for him to finish his extra practise, and set an alarm for 2 hours. Once those 2 hours are up, you’re dragging his ass out of the gym with his stuff all packed neatly. No buts, nope, don’t wanna hear it.

- Maybe it was the determination you had to make sure he was safe and healthy, or the dumb conversations you had every single day about mermaids getting laid and unicorns getting horny.

- Because with time, Goshiki eventually succumbed to his feelings and admitted to himself.

- He had fallen for you. Hard.

- And there was nothing he could do about it.

- Except,

- Avoid you as much as he could.

- Poor little Goshiki was so clueless that he thought avoiding you would eventually cause his feelings to just disappear like how my dad went to get the milk.

- Whenever he saw you in the hallways, he’d just blush and walk the other way, even if it was the opposite direction of where he was supposed to be going.

- Nope, no fist bump, hi five, nothing.

- Alas, he couldn’t avoid you much anyways, since you were the manager for the volleyball team, and you also persisted on walking him to the bus stop every single god damned day.

- All he could do was try and muster up the driest possible responses to anything you said.

- “So, how was practice? You feeling anywhere near as powerful as Ushiwaka yet?”

- “Eh, it was okay.”

- “You want something to eat or drink? We can go to that boba store around the corner from last week and get something.”

- “Nah, I’m good.”

- You were weirded out, to say the least.

- Since when did Goshiki pass on boba?

- “Oi, Tsutomu, are you feeling okay? You’re acting a bit odd.”

- You raised your hand to his forehead, feeling the warmth on your palm as Goshiki flared 50 different shades of red.

- “U-uh, my stop’s there, I’ll see you tomorrow bye-” he rambled, stuttering over his words before zooming towards the wrong station.

- “What just happened?”

- All Goshiki could do was get home as quick as possible, finish all his work, eat up, clean himself, and just scream into his pillow.

- “I’ve been avoiding her for so long, why is she still stuck in there?”

- He was being so blatantly obvious with avoiding you that the volleyball team eventually had to speak up.

- That went terribly.

- “Goshiki, why aren’t you focusing these days? Is there something troubling you?” -Shirabu

- “Plus, you haven’t even spared a glance at y/n, let alone talked to her. Aren’t you guys like best friends?” -Tendou

- “Goshiki do you like her?” -Ushijima

- Goshiki almost choked on his water.

- No, not almost. He definitely choked on his water.

- “What? ME? PLEASE! OF COURSE NOT!” -Goshiki, in denial, blushing

- “Seems like you do to us.” -Ushijima, as blunt as usual

- “Well then, you should’ve just told me Goshiki. I never knew you disliked me.”

- Oh shi-

- Well isn’t it convenient? You were standing right there with volleyballs in hand when he decided to belt out that statement.

- For the next few weeks, you both avoided each other as much as you can. You even stopped walking him to the bus stop.

- Until the day before their match against Karasuno.

- At this point, Goshiki had had enough.

- This was troubling him to an extent already, and he also had the match to worry about.

- At the end of practice, he waited until all the members of the team (especially Tendou) left the gym, before harshly pulling you into the storage room, pulling you down to sit next to him on the floor.

- “What do you want Goshiki-”

- “I like you. That’s it.”

- What the hell.

- Your mouth hung open, you face and neck feeling hot, as he made his way back into the gym, practising yet again. All you could do was sit in the storage room, still not comprehending what had just happened.

- Not knowing how to deal with this, you grabbed your stuff, and made your way home as quick as you can, not wanting to deal with the situation at hand yet. You flop onto your bed once you reach your room, and scream into the pillow out of frustration.

- “Why did I do that? That was my chance, I blew it! I’m so stupid oh my god.”

- Goshiki was also being extra aggressive with the volleyballs too. By the time he had finished his extra practise, his palms were scathed and sore, red marks scattered all over.

- During the match agaisnt Karasuno, he was extra nervous, not wanting to screw up.

- But at the same time, the events of yesterday replayed in his mind like a broken record. The way you stared at him in shock, not even making a sound. How you left the gym as quick as it happened, not sparing even a glance at him. It made him regret ever befriending you in the first place. He should’ve known that this was bound to happen.

- This led to him being extra aggressive during the match. Both teams were shocked and quite frankly, a bit intimidated too.

- Goshiki was fueled by all his pent up rage against himself, a seemingly dark aura radiating off of him on the court. He was stupid. An absolute imbecile. A moron. An idiot that put his heart on his sleeve, not once thinking about the consequences it could bring.

- When coach Washijo decided to scream “if you’re gonna stare, at least stare at a damn girl” at him, he sneered so hard at him his face was about to become permanently contorted. Even his own coach, the spawn of satan, was taken aback.

- The fact that Shiratorizawa ended up losing did not help. At all. All that did was make his day even shittier.

- Until you finally told him you reciprocated his feelings.

- Not long after the loss, the team all went their own way home, feeling miserable about the game.

- Goshiki had his earphones in, walking towards the bus station, head hung low as he silently sobbed, feeling like absolute shit.

- You caught up to him, before basically engulfing him in a huge hug from behind, nuzzling your head into his shoulder, refusing to let go.

- He was flustered, to say the least. Frozen in place, tears continued to stream down his face in steady streaks.

- “I’m sorry for your loss today, and for yesterday too.”

- His eyes widened at your apology as he furiously wiped the hot tears, his eyes still slightly puffy and his nose still red.

- At this moment, Goshiki needed someone. Desperately. In one swift motion, he had turned around and held you with an iron grip, a hand pushing your head into his chest, his back hunched with his head in the crook of your neck as he cried, this time letting the sobs and whimpers become audible. His salty tears met your skin, rolling down to your collarbone.

- “So the reason why you’ve been avoiding me was because you liked me?”

- Goshiki nodded into your neck, still crying.

- “Well I’ve liked you since the start of the school year too, so don’t worry. I’m here for you.”

- Hearing that, he detached himself from your neck, staring at you, surprised at how calm you were and how dense he had been.

- “Wait for real?”

- You were in a hurry, since you promised to run some errands, so you did the first thing that popped into your mind.

- On your tiptoes, you gave his lips a quick peck, before running away, your face completely red.

- “For the record Tsutomu, we’re dating now I guess.”

✨Dating✨

- What a sweetie.

- At first, he’s super secretive with the relationship, not wanting people to find out.

- Especially not his parents. He would have hell personally sent to him in a cute little death package if they ever found out he was dating someone.

- He tried his best not to show any trace of him being in a relationship during practice.

- But alas, Tendou once sneaked up on you two holding hands at school and instantly knew.

- This redhead announced it to the whole team that you two were dating and you almost beat him up.

- Now, he’s opened up a lot more about this than when it first started.

- No, his parents still don’t know about you two.

- But his friends knew not to hit on you, and the volleyball team would constantly tease him when you walked by, making kissy noises and over the top fake moans. Tendou once shoved two balls up his chest just to imitate you. You looked over to see your third year senior with an ahegao face, two volleyballs unevenly shoved into his shirt as he skipped around. You stared in disgust, giving him a slight scowl before turning around and continuing with your shit.

- Needless to say his other balls were absolutely wrecked by Goshiki.

- Will spoil you so badly like damn.

- Occasional gifts from lil bowl cut is something you should definitely expect.

- Sometimes you’ll just randomly find a new pair of earrings or a new phone case on your desk with a note from him, while your classmates stare in awe and lowkey envy you from afar.

- Very, very frequent dates.

- I’m talking like every weekend, and sometimes even after school on friday.

- Dates planned by Goshiki aren’t ever extravagant or anything, but god damn do they make you feel blessed. Usually it’s just to a cute cafe, maybe a carnival, or a movie date.

- Dates planned by you though? Ohohohoho he was in for so much fun. I’m talking trampoline parks, amusement parks, gaming cafes, volleyball dates, all that fun shit.

- You would let him teach you how to play volleyball, and end up laughing your ass off at how incredibly bad you were while he kinda just gives up on teaching you and goofs around.

- Your hands running through his hair is literally the best thing he has ever felt no cap.

- Likes to cup your cheeks a lot, just to make you flustered.

- (Secretly loves it so much when he’s able to make you all blushy because oh my god you look so cute.)

- You’re not allowed to sleepover at his, nor is he allowed to sleepover at yours because strict parents!

- The rare times when your parents allow you to go “help your friend Goshiki study,” you guys actually do serious studying.

- Then right after that comes the cuddling.

- Okay let’s be real, Goshiki would probably be really awkward at the start.

- He’d probably try make sure you were comfortable, so his body would be twisted into some weird position.

- But he eventually found his favourite way to cuddle with you, in a way where both of you could just lay in peace comfortably without breaking your backs.

- Most times, he would lie sideways on his bed facing you. He’d snake one hand around your lower back, the other to your head as he pulls you in close, resting you against his chest. You could hear his heartbeat, which sped up every time you nuzzled against him.

- Cute.

- Will give you pecks on the lips every single morning when he first sees you, wherever he is.

- It do not matter to him how many people are watching, he do not care. At all.

- Holds your hand e v e r y w h e r e .

- He’s also very fond of forehead kisses.

- He just finds them so heartwarming and intimate in a non sexual way.

- Every time something was bothering you, or you were just breaking down because of how shitty life was, he knows exactly what to do.

- He’d pull you into a tight hug, kissing the top of your head while drawing circles on your back with his fingers.

- If it was worse and you were crying, he likes to wipe your tears for you, kissing the stains on your cheeks, before planting a soft kiss on your forehead.

- Loves it when you wear his hoodies.

- They’re oversized on you and oh my god sweater paws are the death of him.

- You’re honestly relieved he’s not looking for anything sexual.

- He’s too pure for that shit, keep his innocence.

- You made a promise to cheer for him wearing his jersey whenever he played in matches, and you’ve never broken it.

- PDA.

- SO MUCH PDA.

- This boy. He loves showing you off to his teammates so much.

- “I may not be as good as Ushijima at volleyball yet, but at least I’m not a crusty single bitch.” -Goshiki to some rando that insulted his skills and personality

- “You guys go look for your own plus ones to the school dance, I’m keeping y/n.” -Goshiki to his friends

- “Stop imitating her Tendou-san, it’s insulting to her. You’re too odd to get even close to imitating her accurately.” -Goshiki to Tendou who had volleyballs in his shirt and pants

- Please just protect him at all costs, he’s so precious.

Love how the request was for relationship hcs and I ended up writing more backstory lmaoo

Still hope you liked it though I worked on this for days xx🥺🥰

#haikyuu #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu imagines #hq headcanons #hq hcs #shiratorizawa #karasuno #goshiki tsutomu #haikyuu goshiki #hq goshiki #goshiki x reader #ushijima #tendou #volleyball #hq x reader

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doof-doofblog · 3 years

Text

"Can You Get A Message To Her?"

Monday 22nd March 2021

Hello again folks! Hope you're all doing well! We're back with a start of a new week, I'm intrigued what's going to happen with this week's episode's, Friday's episode ended on such an emotional note, I'm intrigued to see how Chelsea is going to cope knowing her Dad is in prison because of her, maybe it's something that she'll get over gradually. I'd be shocked if she was just to get over it over night, it wouldn't be realistic to me. But we shall see!

Now lets focus on the episode at hand, I'm going to start with Vinny. I guess it's fair to say that for a long while now Vinny hasn't really been agreeing with the way his family handle situations regarding the police. So when the police arrive at their front door wanting Vinny to make a statement regarding the youths that almost attacked him, he is more than willing to help cooperate with the police. But as soon as Suki and Kheerat hear about what's happening they are furious with Vinny and instruct him not to go the police and refuse to help them with their investigation. The thing that really grasped my attention was when Suki stated "We don't help the police, and you know why!" - Oooo there are so many questions resolving around the Panesar's past. What happened before they arrived in Walford? They clearly have some bad history with the police, but what?! I'm so intrigued and the more time goes on, I'm eager to find out their back story!

Later on in the episode, Vinny appears to be minding the shop as Callum enters following a discussion with Ben about guests and flower arrangements for their wedding. However as Ben makes a quick exit, Callum begins to make friendly conversation with Vinny about the police visiting him and asking him for a statement regarding the night he was almost attacked by youths. But when Vinny reveals that he's decided not to go to the police, mainly down to brother (as far as I heard), Callum seems really disappointed. But interestingly gives Vinny some wise words, he's not the only who has family on his back every day, Vinny needs to find the courage and strength to make his own decisions, regardless whether his family like it or not, if he either doesn't feel comfortable or disapproves with the way his family do things, maybe he's better off standing on his own two feet, instead of following rules, make his own rules and lead life the way he wants. Callum's life lesson to Vinny seems to really hit home for him and sink in, as eventually as he's walking alone in the Square, Vinny eventually finds himself outside the police station. Will he take Callum's advice?!

The next thing I want to mention is Tiffany and Keegan. Early on in the episode, Keegan is seen to be in deep concentration as he's sat alone punching numbers, as it were. As they joke about the first change they get to visit Florida will be in 17 years time, Keegan reveals to his wife that he has a meeting with the bank next week, however he seems a little bit negative about the whole thing. (Once again!) Keegan has it in his mind that the bank will instantly refuse to give him a loan, due to the colour of his skin. I don't know why this is dragging on for so long, but Keegan seems to have it bedded in his mind that the police force and possibly people in high roles than him are possibly racist? I cannot stress enough that that isn't the case!

Even Tiffany tries to reassure her husband and informs him that he can't go to the bank requesting a loan with that kind of attitude. But then Keegan seems to have an idea and asks his wife to join him at the meeting. Suggesting that if he had his wife there with him, they could take them seriously about having a loan. Plus if they're successful, it would mean that Tiffany wouldn't have to do her hostessing job anymore. Tiffany at first seems really nervous and claims that she'd probably ruin everything, but to give her husband her full support, she eventually agrees.

Later on at the club, Tiffany seems to be serving a woman who happens to work in a bank and seems to be at the top of her game regarding her job role. Tiffany takes this chance to ask her for some advice about herself and her husband seeking a loan, but instead of giving her a genuine answer, I kind of thought this lady insulted Tiffany by instructing her to get rid of her husband! I mean, how bloody rude! Although, she does get karma coming to her as Tiffany realises she's been overcharged by £50! But Dotty seems to have overheard the commotion and suggests that they keep the £50 tip as it'll give Tiffany a chance to find something decent to wear when she goes to this bank meeting. It's then that Dotty also has another idea, with the clientele that they're serving at the club, maybe they could simply start overcharging people by a couple of pounds, with the amount of money that they have and spend, none of them would probably notice. As much as Tiffany knows it's wrong, she eventually agrees to the idea, on the condition that they don't go too overboard with the overcharging. Even though this could help Tiffany and Keegan's money problems, I do think that maybe this could put Tiffany in big trouble if she was to get caught?!

One thing I have to briefly mention also, I absolutely loved how they included a conversation between Suki, Patrick and Karen regarding the Covid-19 vaccination. After suffering from Covid himself, Patrick revealed to Suki that he had already had his two doses of the vaccine, to which Suki responds that she has her first one booked later in the week. However, the interesting thing is when Karen overhears the conversation, she seems to a bit suspicious about the whole, claiming her concerns about what the vaccine could do to us in about 5 or 10 years time, which I get is probably most people's concern. I have to say though, I've seen a few headlines about this small scene claiming that people are shocked to hear that Karen is an "Anti-Vaxxer!" - I guess you could say that script writers are only trying to portray it from different people's point of view, unfortunately there are people out there who are anti-vaxxers and believe all sorts of conspiracy theories about Covid-19, but I think that this scene they're trying to maybe make people change their mind about having the vaccine, and I mean that in a positive way. Maybe it'll change those anti-vaxxers minds and convince them to have vaccine, instead of promoting it, if you get what I mean?! After the way both Patrick and Suki spoke about their disappointment and concerns to Karen, Karen mind seemed to change almost instantly! On a personal level, I have luckily had my first dose of the vaccine, so happy days! We are slowly on our way to getting back to some form of normality, let's keep our fingers crossed!

The next thing I have to mention is Stacey and Jean. It seems that Stacey has been told by some solicitor that she could be facing up to a year in prison for the alleged assault on Ruby. We all know that Stacey is innocent, even though Stacey seems to have come to terms with the fact that there is simply no evidence to back her side of the story (which we all know is the truth) - the main person who seems to be fretting about Stacey's future is Jean. Poor Jean simply can't fathom the thought of her daughter being back in prison, after everything she's been through. Plus considering the very important fact that Jean could be facing more time alone dealing with her illness. I'm assuming that she's still keeping it a secret from her family that she found another lump a while back? As far as my knowledge goes, Jean hasn't mentioned it since, she decided not to have treatment this time around if it did turn out to be cancer. I feel that that is what on Jean's mind more than anything, she's just got her daughter back after having lost Daniel and having to deal with her illness all on her own, and with the possibility of Stacey being thrown in jail again, Jean unfortunately faces having to deal with her illness all alone for a second time.

While on a cleaning job with Mo, I have to be honest - I have no idea who's house they're cleaning. To me, it looked like Gray's but I have no memory of them ever cleaning for Gray? Or was it the Mitchell's? Either way, Jean happens to mention that if she was to have a huge sum of money she would put all the money towards helping Stacey, which of course any Mum would do the same for their daughter. It's then that Jean happens to stumble upon a box of some kind left on the living room table, taking a sneaky looking inside she finds a huge sparkly necklace, who does it belong to? I'm not so sure. But Jean seems to think back to her words of getting money for her daughter, in a desperate state of mind, she quickly stuffs the necklace into her pocket.

Later on, as we see Jean leaving a pawn shop it's clear that she has sold the necklace she nicked. Will she end up in trouble for stealing a necklace and pawning it? Eventually she ends up bumping into Martin and Ruby on the Square. From a distance they seem to be smiling and giggling, this seems to be completely enrage Jean, she can simply not stand there and watch them laughing while they tear Stacey's life apart. She decides to confront them, mainly Ruby - claiming that now Ruby has everything she's wanted, she's willing to ruin Stacey's life. Even though it's sad and tragic that Ruby lost her baby, the worst thing she can do is blame her accident on someone else and throw false accusations around. Jean is more disappointed in Martin, would he really let the Mother of his children go to prison? Surely there must be some kind of doubt in his mind that Stacey would do something as horrendous as what Ruby is claiming?! Jean stands her ground, stating that she's not going to let things lie as they continue to ruin Stacey's life. As devastating as it seems, with Lacey Turner going on Maternity Leave, it's looking like Stacey will go to prison for something she didn't do!

Now the main focus of the episode is Mick! He and Linda have now fully moved back into the Vic. As much as they seem happy to be back where they belong, I guess there is a kind of sadness surrounding them that they don't have their children with them. They happen to mention Johnny and Nancy, am I right in thinking that they went away to visit their children and tell them face-to-face about their Dad's abuse?! They happen to mention Johnny and Nancy crying at the news about their Dad and how Lee will deal with the news in his own way. We know that Nancy is going to be returning to the Square some time soon, will knowing what's happened to her Dad be the main reason for her return?

As the locals begin to welcome back Linda and Mick to their pub, Rainie and Stuart seem to be on their own investigation. As they discuss how convenient it is for Max to leave and then they return to be back behind the pub, in Rainie's mind, something doesn't seem right. Almost like on a mission, she informs her husband to question Mick while she works her way on Linda as they fish for information. Only in their own comical ways, they seem to get nowhere with them. Suddenly a detective of some kind enters asking to speak to Mick in private, this seems to grab the attention of both Stuart and Rainie and they begin to ponder what could be going on.

As they continue their discussion privately upstairs, it's here that the detective reveals to Mick that Katy has been arrested for her crimes. As much as this is good news for Mick, he does also have concerns about Frankie and how her Mum's arrest might affect her. As he questions about the possible DNA sample they've had from them both, the detective reveals that their DNA test does match, hearing this confirmation completely overwhelms Mick, Frankie is his daughter! The next thing that the detective mentions though does concern him that little bit more, he suggests reaching out to more witnesses and possible more victims of Katy's crimes, to which Mick realises his story might become public. I think more than anything, Mick is more worried about going public as he fears people will see him differently, not as the local pub landlord, but as the man who was sexually abused as a child.

As the detective leaves Mick to his thoughts, Frankie makes a drastic entrance. She appears to be absolutely frantic that her Mum has been arrested in front of her, without any warning. Of course this would be terrifying for Frankie but the thing that upset her the most was that all the time she begged Mick not to report her Mum, but now her Mum has been arrested, she feels betrayed by him. Mick then decides to share the news to hear that their DNA test was a match, she is his daughter after all. This does give Frankie some kind of closure but in her mind, she's gained a Dad and now lost a Mum. Linda tries to console her husband's daughter, informing her that if she needs anywhere to stay then they have bedrooms to spare and she can stay with them, however this is followed by an awkward silence and Frankie can see that Mick maybe doesn't think it's a good idea, she decides to leave before anything else can be said between them.

As Mick chases his daughter down the stairs, unbeknown to them, Stuart happens to hear their conversation as he hides underneath the stairs. Mick apologises to Frankie for reporting her Mum but makes the valid point that she has to understand why he had to, what if there were other people she had done it to?! Stuart then realises what's going on. After being sent a link informing him about an arrest that has occurred regarding someone who he knew in care as a kid, he reveals to Rainie that he's figured out exactly what's happened. Knowing the full details now, he reveals to his wife that Mick has actually been the one who has been sexually abused. He recalls to his wife how he used to catch paedophiles, knowing that his best mate has gone through something like that, he needs to act now before it's too late.

Even though Rainie tells him it is not his battle, Stuart decides to call his brother and asking whether he can get a message to Frankie. The only thing is, what is this message going to be?! The one thing that is making me think is, is Stuart also a victim of Katy also but has never ever said anything? Is that the reason why he used track down attackers and bring them to justice? He even voices his concern that Mick's abuse happened over 20 years ago, without any evidence or proof or witnesses, Katy won't be charged with her crimes! Is Stuart actually going to come forward, informing Frankie that he too is one of her Mum's victims? What do you guys think? There are quite a few different ways this story could go and honestly, I'm really looking forward to seeing what's going to happen next!

Thank you all so much for reading, it really does mean the world and I can't thank you enough for your ongoing support! Please feel free to leave me a message or comment regarding anything currently happening in EastEnders, I'd love to hear your thoughts! Thank you again everyone, enjoy the rest of your day and I'll be back very soon! xXx

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vostara · 4 years

Text

hold me while you wait

pairing: ares x original female character (beatrix)

blurb: “Just an annoying needle, pricking the back of her throat.”

word count: 3.1k+

title inspiration: hold me while you wait - lewis capaldi

[Hanahaki Disease AU] with a small, but significant twist. You might want to grab some tissues because this is, absolutely, the most upsetting thing I’ve written so far. This is not canon to hypnophobia, just involves the same couple!

warning: untethered angst, mentioned sexual content, and implied character death

*This work is cross-posted on AO3.

series masterlist

It starts with a touch, with Beatrix gently wrapping her fingers around Ares’ injured arm. “Let me help you,” she says.

At first, Ares hesitates, unsure of the woman’s intentions.

For Beatrix is still a new addition to her routine, a new member that has much to prove. She may have already pledged her loyalty to Santino, but once she pledged loyalty to Lilith. Beatrix has broken her vows before, and there is no evidence affirming that she won’t do it again if she finds a better deal.

But the woman fights against her resistance, pulling the arm towards her. She sprays disinfectant on the long slice engraved into the skin of Ares’ forearm, before beginning to bandage the wound with a roll of gauze.

“Thanks for the help,” Beatrix says. “That guy really got the jump on me.” With the gauze secured in place, she pulls her hands away from the injured skin.

Her eyes lift to meet Ares and a moment of silence passes between them.

No problem, Ares signs.

~ ~ ~

Beatrix knows that she is being foolish, that her evolving emotional involvement with Ares will never lead to a happy ending. But against her better judgement, she allows herself to be a fool.

Ares is a distraction, one that she’s grown quite fond of. Nights of bruising kisses, breathless pants, and hushed moans are an irresponsibility that grants her a passage to escape the world she’s trapped in. With Ares, she escapes from the lingering suffocation of being under Eli’s control. She suspends her subconscious fear of failure, of the punishment Lilith would distribute whenever she had displeased her. Her thoughts replaced with a flood of colorful butterflies, fluttering in the depths of her mind. It’s dizzying and entrancing, but Beatrix becomes addicted to this feeling. When Ares coaxes her to let go, submit to break the coils building inside of her, she obeys without hesitation. And she’s overcome by the sensation of the exploding stars that consume her.

The beginning of the end is set into motion when Ares undoes the silk fabric restraining Beatrix’s wrists against the metal poles of the headboard. Beatrix looks up at the woman hovering above her, longing to leave more bruises against her swollen lips.

So she reaches towards Ares, pulling her as close as she can to her body. And she meets her lips with a kiss that’s too gentle, too passionate. It’s too revealing, but Beatrix allows her emotions to slip through the cracks, just this once. And she knows that this could be her downfall, that everything she has worked for could unravel. That growing fond of the someone could lead to her failure, her demise, her heartache and betrayal.

But she ignores that; she chooses to live within this moment. To allow herself a rare chance to experience how it feels to be with someone that she yearns for, even through the disguise of lust.

For life isn’t guaranteed beyond this night; for Ares’ lust could fade, leaving her empty and abandoned. Is it not better to grant herself one single indulgence? To quench her desire, her curiosity, before it can bloom.

~ ~ ~

Beatrix develops a cough.

It’s a tiny discomfort, really.

Just an annoying needle, pricking the back of her throat.

She tries to clear it. She gurgles warm salt water. She drinks green tea with honey. But nothing works, and as the weeks progress the cough gets worse.

Do you need a doctor? Ares asks.

Beatrix declines, claiming that it is nothing more than a simple cold. “Santino is stretching me thin,” she says. “I just need a chance to catch up on my sleep.”

It’s a lie.

She can sense that something is wrong, that something is trapped and growing inside of her. It’s something that she can’t dislodge, something she won’t be able to force out of her system.

Ares raises an eyebrow. No more nights together, then?

Beatrix laughs. She glances at their surroundings, making sure that no one is watching them. And with the confirmation that they are alone, she leans towards Ares. “We can still have our fun,” she whispers the words.

Their lips brush against each other.

And Ares smirks in response, before giving the woman a playful bite on her bottom lip.

~ ~ ~

Beatrix lurches forward into an upright position, retching and gasping for air.

The noise startles Ares, whom was sleeping beside her. She reaches a hand towards Beatrix, rubbing it against the curve of her spine.

Between coughs, the woman sputters out the words, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Ares frowns, but continues her soothing motions.

“I’m gonna grab some water,” Beatrix says. She pushes the covers away from her body and climbs out of the bed. The woman can sense Ares’ gaze latched onto her back and she turns to look at her.

You sure you okay? Ares asks.

“Yeah,” Beatrix nods. “I’m fine.”

As she enters the hotel bathroom, she closes the door behind her. Beatrix reaches for a glass cup placed beside the sink and twists the knob for cold water on the faucet. After filling her glass with the cool liquid, she takes a long sip, hoping to settle the aching pain engulfing her throat. Instead, she chokes and falls into another fit of coughing.

The glass slips between her fingers and cracks when it crashes against the marble floor.

But Beatrix doesn’t notice the broken glass, nor does she notice the sound of footsteps approaching the door. Her mind is focused solely on the excruciating pain, on her body’s desperate attempt to rid itself of whatever is lodged deep inside of her throat.

A splotch of crimson distorts the simplicity of the porcelain bowl of the sink.

And Beatrix breathes a sigh of relief and closes her eyes. The discomfort that had been etched into her throat has finally alleviated, giving her a sliver of momentary bliss. She gives herself a few moments to enjoy the sensation of breathing normally, before glancing down at the dark color tainting the simplicity of the pearl colored bathroom.

She expects to see blood.

But she sees a single rose petal.

It can’t be real; it’s impossible. There’s no way she could be so careless, so stupid. She’s just exhausted, overwhelmed by this persistent cough, by her weakened immune system. She must still be asleep, trapped in a nightmare, and she will wake up any moment, any minute now.

With a trembling hand, Beatrix reaches towards the object. And when she touches it, when her fingers brush against the soft material, she knows that she isn’t dreaming. She knows that her recklessness, her impulsive decision pursue desire has marked her. That her exit won’t be sudden, won’t be due to an unforeseen bullet to the back of the head. That, should she live long enough, her demise will be slow, painful. Utterly miserable.

There is a firm knock against the wooden door and Beatrix is quick to hide the petal inside of her fist. The door swings open, revealing Ares, concern etched into her features.

“Everything is fine,” Beatrix says, before the woman can question her. The answer is too quick, too panicked. And she knows that Ares can see right through her, but she does her best to keep herself composed.

~ ~ ~

One petal turns into two.

Three.

Four.

And soon, one petal coughed up at a time, doubles, multiplies.

Beatrix can barely breathe, can barely stand. She can’t focus on her meetings with Santino; she spends her time rushing to the bathroom to hurl petals into ceramic sinks. To flush the evidence down the porcelain bowls of toilets.

You are not getting better. Ares tells her.

But the woman brushes off the concern, insists that she’s fine.

Go to the doctor.

Beatrix sighs.

Please.

“Okay,” she says.

~ ~ ~

Beatrix already knows the diagnosis; she knows long before the words exit the doctor’s lips.

Hanahaki Diease.

Her love is unrequited.

And the petals growing inside of her lungs will eventually kill her, suffocate her.

“It’s progressing quickly,” the doctor says. “The disease has already consumed more than 50% of your lung capacity. I’m afraid that, even if you recover, there will be lingering damage.”

Beatrix stares at them, unable to muster the words that she needs to speak.

“Unfortunately,” they continue, “it’s too late for you to fall out of love with this person. Your first method of treatment is, of course, the natural route. However, you are running out of time, so you will need to act quickly. I suggest that you tell this person how you feel. Be direct, straight-forward about your feelings.

“If all goes well, and the feelings are mutual, you will be able to reverse the progression. It is important that you have this conversation face-to-face. This cure will only work if their requited feelings for you are stated out loud.”

A crack forms, breaking the composure that Beatrix had worked so hard to maintain. She laughs. It’s a desperate, defeated noise. One that does little to disguise the realization of her doom.

“I understand if you need time to process what I’m telling you,” the doctor says. “But we are working against the clock, your condition is accelerating faster than the typical—”

“She’s mute,” Beatrix interrupts.

“I see,” they say. The doctor pauses, taking a moment to type notes into Beatrix’s patient file. “Then your only alternative is surgery. It is an invasive, aggressive method. And in your current condition, it is quite dangerous. I would go in and cut away the infected ares, including the root of the disease. Right now, your chances of surviving the procedure is about 45%. The longer we wait, the higher your risk of death.”

The doctor stops speaking when Beatrix begins to cough.

When the woman pulls her face away from the palms of her hands, five rose petals are nestled against her skin.

“Hanahaki Disease isn’t contagious, but there is no sure way of knowing who is at risk of developing it,” the doctor continues. “On top of the risk for your life, there will be risk for the life of the person you love. Once I remove the root, your feelings for them will disappear. You will never be able to fall back in love with them. If this person happens to return your feelings, there is a possibility that they will also suffer from the disease.”

Beatrix frowns. “It would be impossible for me to save her?”

“This procedure is your only shot at survival, Miss Amsler. As your doctor, I advise you to act quickly,” they sigh. “But I cannot, in good conscience, recommend you do this without first having a discussion with this person. If they are in love with you, they may also need surgery in the future. It is best that you give them a proper warning, so they can be prepared if the worst case scenario does occur.”

“Thank you,” Beatrix says, “for the advice.”

When Ares inquires about the woman’s diagnosis, Beatrix tells her the truth. That an infection has manifested inside of her lungs. That the treatment is easy, simple. But she omits the fact that the easy cure for her illness is outside of her grasp. And the alternative is a path that she will not pursue.

~ ~ ~

It isn’t long before the severity of her condition becomes impossible to hide. Her health deteriorates at a rapid pace, and soon Beatrix is unable to stand for long periods of time. She frequently collapses, consumed by long fits of painful coughing. The woman is almost breathless, barely able to fill her lungs with the bare minimum of oxygen required to keep her going.

You need to go back to the doctor.

“No,” Beatrix says. “I already got my diagnosis.”

They were wrong. Ares says. You need new treatment.

The woman coughs and it’s exhausting. “Nothing will help,” she whispers.

Bullshit. Ares frowns. You are just stubborn.

When Beatrix attempts to respond, she unleashes a new onslaught of coughing. The pain is overwhelming and liquid pools in the corner of her eyes. She feels the petals sliding through her throat. They exit her body and land on the cold stone of the floor beneath her.

“It’s Hanahaki Disease,” Beatrix says.

Ares lowers herself to the ground, sitting in the empty space next to Beatrix. She places a hand beneath the woman’s chin, turning her head to look at her.

Who is the cause?

The truth almost slips out, but Beatrix quenches that instinct. Would it not be more kind, to hide the truth? To spare Ares; to save her from experiencing the guilt, the knowledge, of being the cause for her demise? And what if her affections are returned?

It would be selfish to tell Ares. Selfish to expose her heart, to force Ares to cope with the knowledge that their relationship was cursed from the very beginning. That there exists no solution in which they are both able to live and be together. Because even with the surgery, it would be pure torture for Beatrix to share her feelings, just to have them sliced away, ripped from the confines of her body. And the risk of condemning Ares to share the same fate was nothing more than cruelty.

It would not be fair.

No, it would not be kind.

Ares had not forced Beatrix into falling in love her. Beatrix had done so willingly, had been the pursuer, not the pursued.

Beatrix pulls her gaze away from Ares, focusing her sights on the stone. “Santino,” she says.

But had she not looked away, she would have seen it.

It was there, for just a split-second, painted and unconcealed in Ares’ features.

Heartbreak.

~ ~ ~

With Santino’s permission, Ares takes Beatrix away from their Camorra duties. The pair travel to Germany, locking themselves away inside of a cottage; one that is hidden within the woods of a rural town. It’s a location that Beatrix has escaped to before, a shelter she latched onto when she had first attempted to slip away from Lilith’s grasp.

Though Beatrix is embarrassed by her dependence on the woman, she is thankful that Ares was more than willing to help her. The lack of sufficient oxygen being supplied to her body leaves her weak, unable to do tasks that were once easy, thoughtless.

Just a few months ago, showering with Ares was energetic, fueled by intoxicating kisses and touches that ignited quickening heartbeats. Masked by the noise of running water, Beatrix had allowed herself to be more vocal with her sounds, had allowed Ares to fully experience each response she was coaxing from the woman. But now, bathing has simplified to the two woman laying together inside of the small bathtub.

Their routine is simple.

Ares starts the bath, ensuring that the water’s temperature is warm enough to soothe the aches permanently settled inside of Beatrix’s chest. When the water has filled the tub halfway, Ares carries Beatrix into the bathroom. She helps her undress, before undressing herself. The pair settle themselves into the water, and then Ares washes her hair, her body. She rubs her hands across the woman’s chest, hoping to alleviate some of the pain.

And in those moments, Ares wishes that she could switch places with Beatrix, that she could save her. That she could go back in time and convince Santino to ignore the woman, to refuse her offer to kill Angelo. A life where she hasn’t loved Beatrix, hasn’t known Beatrix, is a sacrifice she could make. A sacrifice she would willing make, if it meant there was a chance of Beatrix never developing this disease. Because she knows that she will never care for someone again, not in the way she’s cared for this woman. And to live the rest of her life without her embrace would be worse than torture from the cruelest of tormentors.

Beatrix leans back, pressing her skin against the woman’s chest.

Ares responds by wrapping her arms around her, embracing Beatrix in a hug that’s too intimate, too revealing of her buried emotions.

Everything is just too overwhelming. Beatrix knows that it’s no longer a matter of months or weeks, that her time left before the disease fully consumes her has been reduced to a number of days. But it’s painful to cry, an exhausting action. It eats away the little amount of air that she can hold in her crowded lungs.

“I lied,” Beatrix whispers.

Ares tightens her grip on the woman’s waist, urging her to continue.

“It was never Santino,” she admits. “It was you. I love you.”

Ares removes her hands from the woman, lifting them out of the water. I love you, she says. And then she pulls Beatrix back into her arms and nudges her nose against the skin of her delicate neck.

Beatrix is never able to speak again.

~ ~ ~

In her last moments, Ares is with her. An oxygen mask is secured in place, but it only delays the inevitable. Still, Beatrix cherishes these few extra moments, this tiny extension of time that she can spend with her lover. They lay together in the bed, covered by a mountain of emerald green blankets.

Even knowing her fate, there is nothing she would have changed. And given the chance, she would do it all over again. Because love was never something she thought she could experience; the concept of love has always felt like a gift that would never be granted. She has done terrible things to those who did not deserve it, has sealed the tragic fate of innocent people. And if this is her punishment, her only chance to repent, she accepts it.

And the truth is that she has been lucky, to survive the consequences of betraying Eli, to survive the wrath of Lilith. She has been lucky to live long, long beyond the day when Angelo had planted a bullet inside of her. Throughout her career, her life, she has come so close to embracing the hand of Death himself. Yet, she has always refused him, choosing to push him away and cling onto the robes of the Angel of Life. But the Angel is tired, tired of her relentless begging, her pleading for another day—just one more.

Beatrix accepts her fate, accepts the pain. And she does so, knowing that unlike her victims, she can spend her last moments within the embrace of someone who loves her, is devoted to her. That this is a luxury she doesn’t deserve, but has been gifted, regardless.

She wraps her fingers around the woman’s hand, pulling it close to her chest.

And she smiles, knowing that their love is requited and Ares will be safe.

a/n: hello! thank you for reading my work. if you like my content, please consider reblogging this piece. it is a simple action that truly helps a small author like me be seen by others. i do also appreciate any likes/comments you are willing to leave.

sorry for being a sad clown and writing this, but i had an idea and i was itching to write it. normal updates for hypnophobia will resume after i’ve settled into my new apartment! so you can expect that in the next 2-3 weeks, depending on when i’m able to set up wifi.

twitter: VostaraFics

#ares x reader #ares fic #ares x original character #ares x original female character #ares x beatrix #ares john wick #john wick #ruby rose #ruby rose fic #ruby rose x reader #ruby rose x original character #ruby rose x original female character #v.writings #vostara #fic: hold me while you wait #fic: hypnophobia #series: she drowns in liquid gold #emersonsfam

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godofplumsandthunder · 4 years

Text

In Sickness And In Health - Chapter 2

Pairings: Bucky x Dot, Eventual Bucky x Reader

Warnings: Talk about cancer and death, Swear words, Angst, and I think that’s it? If there’s anything that you feel needs to be tagged, please, please, please let me know.

A/N: Yay! Chapter 2 is here! Finally. Like I mentioned in the first chapter, this is a fic with Bucky being a cancer patient. I’m writing this from my point of view as a cancer patient, so I can say that this can be triggering for some of you fellow cancer patients. i hope you guys like this chapter, and are stay safe out there. Also, a huge thank you to my beta Lacy!

Chapter 1 Masterlist

Bucky collapses into sobs. Just a few moments ago, Bucky was a relatively healthy young man. He had a promising career, a girlfriend he loves. Just last, he went ring shopping with Steve, trying to find the perfect ring for Dot. Bucky was planning a life for Dot and him. But it was all taken away by three words. His mind is going down rabbit holes of eternal what-ifs when Dr. Strange's voice cuts through and snaps Bucky back to the present.

""I was able to schedule a biopsy for tomorrow in the afternoon. We will need to have you take a CT of your lungs to make sure they can handle the anesthesia. The nurse will take you over there now. We should have a better picture of things tomorrow. Do you have any questions for me, James?" Bucky wipes at his eyes, now red and puffy.

"I mean, not right now. But I'll probably have some later." Bucky responded through more tears.

"If you do, here's my card. I'll see you tomorrow James." With Dr. Strange's card in his hand, Bucky waits for the nurse to come in. While he waits, he contemplates calling Dot, to have her by his side. But, Bucky, deep down, doesn't want Dot with him. While he is scared and alone, he has a sense of peace around him, something that he doesn't have that often when he's with Dot. He thinks about calling Steve when the nurse comes in. She's not what he was expecting. For some reason, he pictured the nurse as an older lady. In her 50's, maybe 60's, maternal, like Phyllis, from The Office. Instead, stands a young blonde, with a warm, and genuine smile.

"Hello, Mr. Barnes. I'm Sharon, I'll be helping you over in radiology. Do you need a minute before we head over?" Bucky gives a short, silent, nod. Sharon just gives a small smile back.

"Is there anyone you'd like to call so that they can be here with you, Mr. Barnes?" This is the second time he's had the chance to call Dot. To let her know that he has cancer and he's having surgery. Yet for the second time, Bucky doesn't need Dot. He doesn't want Dot.

"No, no. I-I'm good. Let's just get this over with." Bucky stands up and follows Sharon to radiology. Thankfully this procedure was fairly short, and in a few minutes, Bucky was able to go home, and finally get some much, much-needed rest.

Bucky barely makes it home when his phone rings.

"Is this James Barnes?" Dr. Strange's voice rings out of the phone.

"Yes, it is," Bucky responds, shakily.

"Well, we got your CT scans back. We are still going forward with the biopsy tomorrow. This means that you must fast for at least 8 hours before your surgery. Though we did find something on the images that is a little disturbing. I regret to inform you that the cancer has metastasized to the lungs. There are about 7 nodules on your lungs. This will not affect any current treatment that will happen as of now, but we wanted to inform you about this right away. I hope you have a good rest of the day, and we will see you tomorrow." Dr. Strange hangs up, and the room is left in silence.

Something breaks inside of Bucky. A sound he didn’t know he could make erupted from his mouth. Tears fall as he slides from his chair and onto the floor. Bucky feels so alone and scared. He curls up and lets himself release all of his pent up emotions. The fear of dying. Of leaving this world before his time. The fear of the unknown. The fear of pain, if he does survive. He mourns. He mourns the memories he won’t be able to make. He worries if Dot will stay with him. After all, who would want to stay with a bald and sick man? Bucky kept all of this down and hidden from the moment he went to the doctors. When he tried to express these feelings with Dot, Steve, or his family, they dismissed them quickly. Saying you have to think positive. Yet, look where positive thinking got Bucky. 35 and diagnosed with metastasized cancer.

Bucky doesn’t know how long he’s been asleep. But, Dot’s recognizable, and loud shrill gladly woke him up.

“Bucky? Where you at? You’re never going to believe what happened to Brenda!” Dot clamors her way through the house, eventually finding Bucky, red-eyed and slouched on the floor.

“Aww, what's wrong Bucky? Did you watch a sad movie? I told you not to watch Old Yeller!” Dot patronizes Bucky, completely unaware of the serious condition her boyfriend is in. Though Bucky is quick to rectify this.

“No Dot! I didn’t watch fucking Old Yeller! I just got told that I have cancer and that it spread to my lungs! So sorry I’m a little sad.” Dot just looks at Bucky with such disdain.

“And when were you thinking of telling me? Didn’t think that maybe you should have told your girlfriend that you have the cancer? Or am I not important enough to know this information?”

Bucky can’t deal with this right now. Dot would be the bitch that turns this all round on her.

“Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t think to call my girlfriend right after I found out that I’m dying! And what a selfish bitch you are! Little miss diva has to make everything about her! Do you want to know why I went to the hospital by myself? It’s because of you Dot! You make everything into a scene and I just wanted some goddamn quiet and peace!” Bucky yells, his emotions taking control of him.

“You can’t talk to me like that!” Dot huffs, clearly not used to Bucky treating her this way.

“Well, Dot. I just did! And if you don’t like it, there’s the door!” Bucky spits out. He’s never been this mean or harsh to Dot before, and frankly, he doesn’t care. He has bigger things to worry about right now.

“Fine, Bucky! I’ll leave! Maybe then you’ll learn how to treat me right!” Dot slams the door behind her leaving Bucky all by himself.

“I’m better off without that bitch!” Bucky yells as he sobs again.

=====

Finally alone and calm (as calm as you can be after hearing you have cancer), Bucky makes the hardest phone calls he’s ever had to make.

“Bucky! I haven’t heard from you for ages! How are you, baby?” The warm and loving voice of Winnifred Barnes fills Bucky’s house.

“I’m not good mama,” Bucky breaks down into tears sooner than he thought he would.

“Bucky? What’s the matter? What’s wrong, honey?”

“I have-” Bucky stumbles on the word. He doesn’t want to admit he has this, not to someone he loves. “I have cancer, mama. They’re doing a biopsy tomorrow. And I’m alone and scared.”

The sounds of Winne’s tears flow through the phone.

“Oh, my sweet baby boy. It’s going to be okay. You know that right? It’s going to be okay.” Winnie doesn’t know who she’s saying that to. To Bucky, or to herself. The hardest thing a parent can go through is to see their child suffer. And here she was, having to hear her precious, baby boy, be so scared.

“Mama?” Bucky whispers.

“Yes, baby. I’m here.”

“Can you come? I don’t want to be alone.” Bucky chokes up.

“Of course baby. I’m booking the first flight right now. Everything's going to be okay. Mama’s coming.”

“I love you, mama”

“I love you too, Bucky. So, so much. I’ll see you soon sweetie.”

=====

Tagging:@marvelgirl7 @aesthetical-bucky @littleredstarfish @hiddles-rose (Taglist is always open)

#Bucky Barnes #bucky x y/n #bucky barnes angst #bucky x reader #bucky au #in sickness and in health

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lovebubblechoices · 4 years

Text

Who’s Inside the MF coffin?

Guys… We kind of forget someone but I’ll come to that in a minute.

Here are a few possibilities but I’ll explain why it can’t be them.

Ethan Ramsey : He was my first pick and I’ve said it multiple times since yesterday and today but I really doubt it be him. Okay, he went to the Amazon forest to put distance between him and MC and could have very easily catch Something bad in the jungle but let’s face it, he is the most important LI (to them) and PB invested probably too much in him to kill him at the end of this year.

Naveen Banerji : The good ol’ Naveen was my second choice for this tragic end. He could totally get sick again and this time there’s nothing left to do but it is not likely to be him either because all the efforts of Book One will be reduced to nothing. Plus, we already had the “I quit” act from Ethan so I don't think PB would go there again because if Naveen dies, Ethan will question his position as Doctor but he already did that in Book 1. My bet is, this year that’s MC who is going through this path, not Ethan.

So.

It has to be someone they’re close to.

A patient : not very like if I’m honest. We already had Mrs. Matinez and the ethics trial so not again I guess...

Kyra : that would exclude her for the reason I developped just above but her cancer came back so nothing is certain… It’s really a 50/50 chance for her.

Rafael Aveiro : Everyone is panicking because we haven’t seen him in this opening Chapter. I don't think it’s him because I don't see PB introducting another paramedic to the Open Heart universe. But he was in a critical state at the end that’s true and it would have been easy for PB to get rid of him. But PB devs said in an interview that this loss would be meaningful for BOTH MC and their friends and I didn’t get the feeling Raf is that close to the rest of the gang… I might be wrong but I dont think that’s him

Aurora Emery : excluded. Just join the crew. Plus what would be the point of killing her ? She hasn’t a very important role yet

Jackie Varma : She’s the funny and somewhat comic competition to MC and Aurora. No point in killing her or I don't see it.

Bryce Lahela : Almost impossible to kill for PB. Second favorite (if not first?) to the choices fandom. And same as Raf, I Don't see PB replacing him and Edenbrook needs a surgeon the age of MC to balanced to story. I dont know if it’s very clear but here you go.

Sienna Trinh : Not my pick but most of us will be extremely pissed if it’s her. She’s funny, suporting, Always ready to help others but I Don't know… Something tells me it’s not her either. She wanted to quit medicine remember so why kill her when you could give her the Opportunity or motivation to do so ?

And that leaves us with...

Elijah Greene, ladies and gents : Unfortunately his death would be far more meaningful for MC and the others. First, nobody ABSOLUTELY NO ONE thought of him but if go into the details: he is loved by everybody, always have the right word for any situations, his motivations to become a doctor are more than noble. And last but not least he’s in a wheelchair. What if his condition evolves the bad way due to an experimental treatment? Remember he wants to be cured. MC will be absolutely CRUSHED and could question their position as a Doctor if they help him in anyway, same goes for Sienna.

So Elijah’s my wild pick for the funeral scene

#open heart #theory #open heart 2 #open heart second year #pixelberry #choices #choices you play #choices stories you play #OHSY

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fairycosmos · 4 years

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TRIGGER WARNING : I know you're not a psychiatrist tbh I just need to vent and I really like you so yea, I've come to the conclusion that I am what everyone thought I was which is a lazy little bitch using depression and suicidal thoughts as an excuse to be lazy I use to feel guilty but idc anymore it just shows there's no hope for me at all the only problem is I don't have the guts to shoot myself in the head and it's the last option I have Im sorry I just don't know who to turn to

hey dude. i’m sorry to hear you’re hurting so much right now. i know it’s a complex and personal issue that words alone can’t solve, but i still hope you’re open to some comfort, some alternative narratives to center your thoughts around. and idk just a few words from someone who can understand to an extent....i think first and foremost it’s a good idea to ask yourself, when you’re in the right state of mind to, where all of this self loathing is actually coming from. whether it’s grounded in anything substantial. it’s important to remember that a massive part of depression is feeling like you’re faking, over-exaggerating, using it as an excuse etc. i’ve heard a lot of people with mental illness echo the same sentiment. and the fact that you feel this way, so violently negatively towards yourself, indicates that you ARE struggling with a much deeper problem. but we’re taught to overlook it and to blame ourselves, partially due to society’s attitude regarding mental illness. in short we’re conditioned to feel like we’re lazy and worthless if we can’t produce labor and profit, or if something prevents us from doing so, but that’s merely a capitalist myth. those around you have internalized its message and are now projecting it onto you. but now that you recognize that fact, you can begin dismantling that belief system in your own head. cause in actuality, it’s got nothing to do with you or your value as a person. it’s the system that’s the issue, and the way it sees human life as nothing more than a means to an end, when people are so much more than that. you are so much more than that. you’re not here to constantly please everyone or to be some emotionless machine. so anyone who was judging you by that standard is fkn deluded and their opinion doesn’t hold much weight to begin with. then there’s also the stigma surrounding depression itself. people who’ve never experienced it don’t get how debilitating it is to live with. how it doesn’t just prevent people from working, how it prevents people from progressing in all areas of their lives when it’s left unacknowledged. which is why the answer isn’t to hurt yourself, it’s to admit to what hurts. this isn’t a matter of personal failure, or of laziness. it’s an illness, something that needs to be confronted head on with time, treatment, and self help in order to move beyond it. it’s just as serious as any physical ailment, but you don’t have to beg anyone to understand that. you’re going through so much just by getting through the day and the fact that you’re still here counts for so much. i promise, you are not your negative thoughts. your mind is just trying to get you to stay in the cycle of self hatred > self destruction > self hatred so that you feel more discouraged and less likely to seek the support you need, even though that could be the one thing that would break the repetitive pattern. idk who made you believe that you are this bad and unforgivable person but i hope you know that it is genuinely, truly possible to grow beyond that way of thinking. it may take time, and it may feel unreachable right now, but change is honestly constant especially if you seek it out. the way you see yourself in five years will not mirror the way you see yourself now, you know? this is all a process and as long as you’re getting through it, you’re doing so much better than you realize.

it’s ok to recognize all of that and to still feel like shit, to still feel like giving up sometimes. sadness, anger, pain - they’re exhausting and terrifying, but you don’t have to push those emotions away. though they don’t have to control all of your actions either. because they’re never as permanent as they feel. part of being suicidal is thinking in a black and white fashion, where everything has to be all or nothing. but it doesn’t. there’s a lot of nuance and a lot of different choices you can make, if you just breathe and keep yourself in a safe environment above all else. like i said, you’re living with an illness and bad days are a natural part of that. but having the tools to be able to cope with them in a healthy way could make all the difference. and that IS an option for you, even if you can’t see it right now. are you currently seeing a mental health professional? if not, i’d really really suggest looking into that before you make any permanent and heavy handed decisions about whether or not it’s worth it to stay alive. seriously, even if you’re unable to see a therapist at the moment - there are depression/suicide hotlines you can call who can help you with the next step, there may be support groups in your area, your doctor may be able to refer you to a counselor. you are capable of reaching out, as proven with this message, which is a really good sign. and building routines around personal self help and finding what works for you would be a step in the right direction, too. there is so much that can be done in terms of identifying what you feel the way you feel, relearning how to treat yourself, developing a support network over a period of time, opening up to make room to heal - it’s possible. i promise it is. it’s possible to live a full, stable life that you’re proud of despite having depression. if you have any trusted loved ones, now may also be a good time to talk to them about whats going on. i’m sure they want to have the chance to be there for you, and it’s alright to lean on them when you need it. you’re clearly in a very emotional state right now so i don’t blame you if you can’t bring yourself to believe me, but i hope it’s an idea you can keep revisiting. because really what my main point is, is that you deserve to stay alive regardless the fact that you’re dealing with a mental illness. i don’t want to sound cliche but it’s true that nothing would be the same without you, that you’re here for a reason (which you fulfill every day, just by being who you are) and that your presence is far more precious than you know. i’m sorry you were made to feel any different. you get this one life and i would really hate to see you do something you could regret over situations and feelings that can be helped. you are not beyond hope, you are not a lost cause. especially if you live your life as if you’re not. you still exist and that means there are a million different ways things could turn out, the future is ever changing. the present is all you need to worry about. it’s just another symptom of depression to catastrophize and picture everything ending in the worst case scenario, which is something that can also be helped with therapy/practicing mindfulness. anyway, i’m aware that this is getting super long and i’m going to leave some links that may be of some use to you in terms of follow up support, but i’m really begging you. no matter how awful you feel tonight, just allow yourself to breathe through it. cry through it. call someone if it all feels like too much. keep yourself away from anything you could use to harm yourself with. and then wake up tomorrow knowing you have the chance to try again, knowing that that is a good thing, knowing that this moment is not what your whole existence is going to look like. please, please call someone if you think you’re a danger to yourself. even if you have to pick up the phone on autopilot. you mean so much. im sending you a lot of love and hoping you find the self appreciation you deserve. if you ever need a friend please feel free to message me. you’re not on this alone.

https://faq.whatsapp.com/general/security-and-privacy/global-suicide-hotline-resources/

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/coping-with-depression.htm

https://www.mentalhealth.org.nz/get-help/a-z/resource/50/suicide-coping-with-suicidal-thoughts

https://medium.com/@sameoldzen/finding-intrinsic-self-worth-in-a-capitalist-system-7069be072b5b

https://serenitymentalhealthcenters.com/31-coping-skills-for-depression/

#tw suicide #tw self harm #anon

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Tanning accelerators, such as lotions or pills that contain the amino acid tyrosine or its derivatives, do not work and may be dangerous. Marketers say these products stimulate the body's own tanning process, but most evidence suggests they don't work.

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Other modern brands commonly consist of 2.5 mg, 5 mg, or 10 mg of steroid per tablet. Dianabol is an oralanabolic steroidand the most identified trade name for the medicine methandrostenolone, also described as methandienone in numerous nations.

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