theredhead23
Steph's Thoughts
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It's my 10 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳
Time flies when you are having fun!
This year I am trying my hand at NaNoWriMo! So many join my adventure with that? We can see what the next ten years will take us!
#10 year tumblrversary#tumblr milestone#adhd mother#motherhood#nanowrimo#please be my friend#enjoythelittlethings
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Deep breathing and I need more hangers or fewer clothes!
Have you ever had someone comment on everything you are doing? Things you are doing right, wrong, or not all? Now imagine that person is your brain and it keeps asking questions and commenting on everything you are doing?
Now take a deep breath!
It's not as easy and a lot of people think it is. I need to reteach myself how to do this which is harder than it seems.
There are so many things I want to get done - today, this week, this month, this year, and this lifetime. But my ADHD is screaming that I need to get everything done right now. But I'm only human, and there is no way I can master Spanish and fix up the entire house in a day. So I need to breathe - and tell my brain to chill.
But my brain acts like a two-year-old most of the time.
Anyway, I need to slow down and breathe. I am struggling with that. It's not that I don't have the 'items' to get things done but the time and the skill to prioritize things that I need to get done. (which are two things I want to work on and learn how to do them).
This is short and sweet because I needed a short break from freaking out about not being able to get everything done at once.
Also, I am out of hangers and I still have two loads of clothes I need to put away. But I am out of hangers for shirts. Partly because Serenity is growing up and her clothes now need 'adult hangers'. I usually only have enough for two adults. No more kid hangers for her.
I got off-topic. But I have a lot going on in my brain and I need to just get everything out of my brain and on something - paper or computer screen.
I'm off to do that, but I just wanted to drop by and say hello and I'm going crazy. Feel free to leave a comment and I will try to get back to you as soon as possible.
#update#life#family#daughter#motherhood#adhd mother#adhd#panicking#brain dump#hello#breathe#please send help#writing#hot mess
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Girls' School Pictures for the 2023-24 school year!
Oh my lord, these girls just dance their own drums! So, enjoy this year's pictures! I only the digital copies of pictures. I haven't gotten the hard copies yet. When I get them, then I will share them with people. ;)
Serenity has her own style and no one will tell her otherwise! lol
Kira lost her tooth the day before school pictures. lol
I know some people might have things to say about how the girls look in their school pictures, but I wouldn't change anything. These pictures show a snapshot of who the girls are this year.
Anyway, enjoy! :)
#school pictures#daughter#life#update#motherhood#family#enjoythelittlethings#hope you enjoy#photo sharing
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Happy Birthday 7th Kira!
My little girl is turning 7 today! I can't believe it! It feels like just yesterday she was eagerly waiting to pop out of my belly.
#daughter#birthday#7th birthday#update#life#happybirthday#littlegirl#adhd daughter#adhd mother#adhd#postive post#bemyfriend#family#loveher
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Following my Pattern..
Of only posting every 6 months. I need to work on that, but one thing at a time.
Anyway, the passed 6 months have been difficult. In March I was laid off from my job, I've been struggling with back pain, my depression has been out of control and I am still alive.
The girls are getting older, and currently in summer school for June.
Tomorrow is Kira's 7th birthday is tomorrow! I can't believe she is growing up. Well, Serenity is growing as well; she will be 9 in September!
I am still alive. I finally had my back MRI, and my spine, nerves and bones are fine. I still don't have any answers for why my back hurts so much.
Outside of that, nothing else is going on in my life.
My life is really bland. Depression is a bitch.
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2023 Goal Setting Brain Dump
So it's been a LONG time since I have posted anything. And I mean posted anything- here, the book with the face, the little blue bird, the tok that has a tick or even in my journal.
Now, there are many reasons for that - life got in the way, too busy with the girls, husband, dogs, work, etc. But in all honesty, none of those can take over all my time all at once. There are 24 hours in a day, and even with all the factors in life, it is impossible not to have a few hours a week for oneself.
The past two, maybe three weeks, I have been fighting off some sort of head cold from hell with a side of sinusitis and fluid filled ears. (It's been hell.) Anyway, with all my meds and the rest I need, my mind does not rest very well. And with a new year means there is a lot of talk about ‘new year, new me’ things.
Now, I don’t believe in the new year, new me BS, because I am the same person I was last year (for better or for worse) and I’ll be the same person going into the new year. But the new year is a chance to stop and look back and in a way see what has happened, and what could be done to improve the new year. And THERE IS NO ONE ON EARTH WHO HAD A PERFECT YEAR AND NOTHING NEEDS TO CHANGE IN THEIR LIVES AND EVERYTHING IS PERFECT.
If you are that person, please, get your head checked.
Anyway, a new year is a new chance at life. I tell my daughters every evening that tomorrow morning is a fresh day and a new chance to try and do better. But a day and a year are TWO VERY DIFFERENT measurements of time. A year is much longer than a day and it gives a unique chance that you only get once a year! (Lame joke, I get it. lol)
Enough babbling, and get to my point - which brings up a whole other thought about how American writers never seem to know when to shut up and here I am not shutting up.
The main idea of this post is talking about my new goals for the new year. Not new year resolutions (because they never work and people always over-bite on what their goals are and what they can do to get to their goals.) But I am talking about goals.
Goals can be S.M.A.R.T, H.A.R.D, WOOPed, ORKed, micro, backwards, one worded, or visualized. There is also a Locke and Latham’s Five principles of goal setting. Or my personal favorite, the K.I.S.S.ed system (that I made up, lol, Keep It Simple Stupid.) But all of them boil down to about three or four key factors.
And remember, I am not some master guru on goal setting and I have no ‘official’ schooling on the matter. I have been in therapy since I was like three years old, I have read a lot of books and I have been through the American public school system and several colleges.
The one main factor is: working to improve something (either by doing or stopping something) to improve one’s overall life. Part of this factor is that the goal is something that the goal maker wants to do, aligns with their character or values, and (this is often critical) doable. For example, if someone who weighs over 600 pounds and decides in January that they want to run the Boston Marathon in April of the same year, that is not doable, and might not even align with what they want to do (maybe they want to lose weight and run daily, but not run in a marathon.)
Then other factors that go into goal setting are (in no special order):
Being clear on what you want to achieve
Creating a plan on HOW you want to achieve this goal
Knowing what outcome you want from achieving this goal
How you are going to measure your progress with the goal
Creating some sort of commitment plan (how you are going to hold yourself responsible for getting the steps done for your goal)
And sometimes, a reward for completing steps or the goal itself.
Often people have ideas or dreams of what they want to achieve or complete things in their life, but they either do not create a game plan on how to do any of that, or they don’t keep track of what they are doing. If you must know, I am in all three camps. ;-) (Do the math. lol.)
Anyway, with the new year, I want to take the time to really think about what I want to achieve, how I am going to do that, and create a plan on how to do that. (If anyone is interested in learning more about the goal setting systems I mentioned earlier, please let me know. I can gladly do a post on each of the goal setting theories. It’s interesting [for me, because I am a nerd with somethings] to compare and contrast the different systems and share that with others.)
So for the next couple of posts (maybe) I will brain dump several ideas I have and through writing out my thoughts I will be able to get a better idea of what I want to do.
I do not think I am going to share specifics about each of my goals because it becomes a double edged sword. What do I mean? Well, many studies have stated that sharing your goals - to the public or with just a friend - helps people achieve those shared goals. But there are a lot of studies coming out saying that just sharing our goals with anyone tricks the brain into thinking that the work is done. (Similar to the joke that more people are afraid of public speaking than death,) Sometimes, just sharing things (anything) with others is often the hardest part, sharing the goal could trick the brain into thinking that everything is done. But with sharing the goal, you have someone to hold you accountable to getting things done.
See why sharing goals is a Catch-22. So I'm not sure if I will share my detailed plan or not but I will share my brain dumps abouts what I want to work on. So you guys will have an idea of a few things I want to work on in the new year. Does that make any sense? I hope so. Maybe? Let me know in the comments or in a message.
Also, this might go without saying, but with brain dumps, things might go in weird directions. I will edit for spelling and completely crazy grammar but over all, I want to keep my thoughts in tack as much as possible.
Until next time,
Steph
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My mother is in the Hospital (end of life, please read)
Yesterday, I came home with the girls after Kira's first soccer practice and my phone started ringing. My first thought was, how the hell is calling me at this hour? I look at the caller ID, which yes, I need to know who is calling me because I don't want to talk to some people - mainly bot calls.
Anyway, the caller was a nurse from the care home. She told me that she had just sent my mother to the ER because she had a seizure. My mother has no history of seizures so I panicked a bit. I gathered some stuff and rushed out to the ER.
When I go there, a nurse was doing an assessment of my mother while the blood lady was taking vials and bottles, for blood tests and cultures. The nurse told me that my mother's temp was over 103 - which was very different than what the nurse from the care home told me, (she said it was 99.6).
Either way, my mother was laid out completely straight on the bed. She wasn't responding to anything other than grunting when pinched, swapped, or poked.
I sat down in a chair by her bed a bit shocked by this. If everyone who knows my mother, she can be a pain in the ass and always wanting her coffee. Here she wasn't really moving and breathing really heavy.
Shortly after I arrived, the doctor came in and started to ask me all sorts of questions. One that stood out was, 'has your mother had a CAT scan of her recently here or at any other hospitals?'
After a few moments of answering questions, he asked me to follow him to another room to talk.
He brought me into another room with a computer with about four screens. The biggest screen had a scan of a top of a skull.
For the next five or ten or even twenty minutes, he started to explain and show me my mother's CAT scan from 2014. It was 'relatively normal' for my mother. For those who do not know, my mother has Hydrocephalus - water around the brain. She has had it since birth and didn't get a shunt until 2011. (I can explain more about her condition later but the main thing I want you to know is that since she was untreated for Hydrocephalus for almost 50 years, her brain is damaged. (They knew she has Hydrocephalus but it was the 60's and I'm guessing they didn't know the best way of handling things or whatnot.)
Anyway, because of this, her brain has been damaged and in some was 'soften' in a way. I know there are better terms but for right now, I'm keeping it simple.
The doctor is showing me these scans from 2014 and telling me about them. Then, he clicks on the scans he had done that evening. Right away, I notice something is off and it's hard to explain in words what without the pictures to show you but they were not the same as the ones from 2014.
In the scans from yesterday, there is a large mass almost in front of her brain. It measured about 8 cm around.
One problem is with a CAT scan, you really can't see things as well as an MRI can. He continues to tell me that he had reached out to a neurologist to get other opinions. I said yes, I would like that and he showed me back to my mother's ER bay.
I sat with her for a while. I stared at her for a while. So many thoughts and almost was going on in my head.
I couldn't really tell you how longs things were taking at the point. but almost everything you could think of popped in my head.
Eventually late that night, we spoke to a neurologist who told me that it was more than a doubt a tumor - most likely cancer. The issue was that without doing a biopsy, there is really no way of telling what kind of cancer it is. Also, she added that since it is 8 cm and there was no sign at all in 2014, this has grown fast. Brain tumors do not become this size in less than seven years. So she had no doubt that it will continue to grow rapidly.
Here came the hardest debate I have ever had with myself; do I rush off like a madwoman and get it biopsied and get her treatment or removed or anything at all? Throw everything and the kitchen sink at it?
Two things popped in my mind at this point,
one: she barely beat COVID when she had it last November.
two: because of how fragile her brain is, doing anything that involves breaking into the skull is very risky. The risks will always outweigh the benefits - if any.
To biopsy this mass - this tumor involves getting into her skull and cutting a section of it out and testing it. Even if we are able to get a sample, there is a high chance that my mother would die on the table. And how helpful would that be? We know what kind of cancer it is, but she's dead.
Second, even if we know what kind of cancer it is, the treatment course of possible surgeries, chemo, radiation, and a whole cocktail of meds for her to take, what quality of life would she have?
Even before she had COVID, I choose for her to be a DNR. Because I know that life-saving actions come with risks - like CPR could break ribs. And with all of her health issues, the risk of getting the life-saving actions would do more harm in the long run than any good.
A lot of people are aware of my mother's history with me and her family. She has always been difficult, stubborn, mean, rude, and other things. Even with all these horrible qualities, she is still human. She is still a child of God. She is still a living being. She is still my mother.
As a human being, as a living thing, she deserves quality of life versus quantity of life.
Even with treatment, what would that do? Add a few months, maybe even a year to her life. But at what cost? She would be sick, weak, tired, and worn out. Just because treatment added a year, what was the benefit if she is miserable?
Please do not take this as I didn't think about it. I have at many points in my life with her.
I have watched my grandfather, my grandmother, and my grandmother-in-law die. Working at the care home for a few years, I have seen people die. I have seen some drag-on and try to fight with every breathe while I have seen others go quickly without much, or any fight. Some went peacefully with family while some went peacefully alone. Some suffered until the bitter end.
I have been quiet for the past 24 hours because I honestly don't know what to do - if I can do anything. Should I try treatment? Should I do more to extend her life? Should I just do nothing?
I have cried, stared at walls, talked to myself out loud, talked to her doctors, and even just stared at her. What is the right call for this? What is the right decision for this?
She will be turning 60 in November. My father passed away at 62-ish. Jimmy Carter is still alive at 97. Who the hell am I to make this choice?
To be honest, I'm no one. But I am a daughter, a mother myself, a wife, a sister, a friend to like four people and I am human too.
Today, after spending hours of trying to track down records for my mother (seriously, what is wrong with state and losing paperwork? [trust me, that's another story].) It was ruled due to not knowing if her shunt is MRI compatible, it's not safe to do an MRI. So the doctors decided to do another CAT scan with contrast.
With this test, nothing new was really discovered other than she has some necrotic, dead material around the tumor.
After a lot of thinking, talking, texting, calling, crying, complaining, staring, and other things, I have chosen quality over quantity for the rest of my mother's time in this world.
Now maybe writing this long babble of a post might not be the best or proper way of telling people but for me, right now, I needed to get all of it out at once and in a way, share it with everyone.
Was this easy to type? Hell no. I have spent most of the day typing bits and pieces debating on what to do and what to share.
Tomorrow morning, I am going to meet with the health care team and start making plans about hospice and end-of-life care. I will also be reaching to lots of people in the upcoming days, weeks, maybe months.
But for now, I needed to type up a long-winded post and share what is going on in one place with everyone.
I am open for emails, calls, texts, messages, letters, and any other way you feel like getting a hold of me. But for now, I am trying to take things moment by moment and not dwell on her dying but on the time she is still here. Which is really hard and really scary.
That is really all I know at the moment. I will update as I go and I will post more about my mother and stuff as well. This was not what I had in mind for October.
If you want to send well wishes to my mother, I will post about how to do it and stuff like that later. Right now, it's almost ten o'clock at night and she is asleep peacefully. I'm going to leave it here.
#hospice#dying#mother#not ready#scared#worried#exhausted#end of life#don't know what to do#lost#brain#cancer#brain tumor#saying goodbye#daughter#need help
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A Return to Form
Since I am now employed and not self-employed, my days have become more structured. (Well, that is a work in progress, but that is a story for another post.) Also, since I am employed by someone else, keeping a website up and running (paying for hosting and a URL) isn't really worth it right now. So, for now, I will be just posting and blogging here. Maybe if I blow up and become super famous, I will create an independent site for all my millions of fans! (Hey, I can dream, right?)
Also, there has been an empty spot in my life recently, and it occurred to me that I haven't been writing - like anything at all. Well, outside emails to clients. So I have decided to use this platform as an outlet for some writing. This means I will post here and share stories about my life with the girls and my husband. Also, since I have ADHD, other mental health issues, maybe this will be a little bit of fun! And we have three dogs, a bunny, and like a dozen goldfish. So be prepared for some pictures of furry and scaly animal friends. :D
But since both girls are in school all day and more independent as they grow up, I am finding more daytime hours kid-free. So while the girls are at school, I am (trying) to work the whole time they are gone.
But the time between after school and bedtime, the girls are snacking, watching TV, and fighting with each other. So what I have been toying with are things for the girls to do during this time.
And then it hit me, I've been missing writing, and the girls need to work on writing and their words and all sorts of stuff; why don't I have them journal?
My girls are 5 and 6 (going on 7 in September), and I know journaling pages are unrealistic for their age. But they can write a sentence. So if they have a good day, they will write, "Today was a good day." And if it's not a good day, they will write, "Today was a bad day." (I am hoping for very few bad days. The notebooks I bought for the girls have the top of the page blank, and the bottom part has lines with dots for them to write.
Today was the first day of our experiment. Like trying all new things, the first day was a little rough, but I hope this will be something the girls enjoy doing, and they will enjoy journaling in general.
Well, that's all for today. I'm wrapping up now, and I hope to see you guys later!
#return to form#update#familyfun#journaling#trying new things#daughters#motherhood#begining#writing#blogging#starting again#nuerodivergent#please welcome me#please be my friend
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It must be rough being a dog with a home now... Lol (This is Max from last night.) Lol #dog #rescuedog #sleep #fridayvibes #dontmindthemess (at Lexington, Nebraska) https://www.instagram.com/p/CR9MyVeAm-_/?utm_medium=tumblr
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Current cuddle buddies. #dogs #rescuedog #rescuedogsofinstagram #bedtime #tuesdayvibes (at Lexington, Nebraska) https://www.instagram.com/p/CR2yyg7MxoD/?utm_medium=tumblr
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This guy might look sleepy but I'm sure he could go another five miles!!! Lol he loves walks!!! (at Lexington, Nebraska) https://www.instagram.com/p/CRku7V-Mr31/?utm_medium=tumblr
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Tuesday night dog walk. Visited with @triplempk 🥳🥳🥳 (at Lexington, Nebraska) https://www.instagram.com/p/CRktW9yspr-/?utm_medium=tumblr
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Thursday night dog walk. Holy hell, walking two dogs are hard. Lol #runkeeperapp #dogwalking #pooped (at Lexington, Nebraska) https://www.instagram.com/p/CRXuo2YMi90/?utm_medium=tumblr
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I was on the phone with my grandma and I took my dog for a walk while I talked. Why does it look like I don't know where the sidewalks are? Lol 😆 #googlefit #phonecall #grandma (at Lexington, Nebraska) https://www.instagram.com/p/CRNEOpysWS2/?utm_medium=tumblr
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Oh, holy hell. It's too hot out there! It was 88 when I started, and I got home, it was 86. WAY TOO HOT FOR ME! I think morning is a better time for me to walk... But it's so early! #playingwithtiming #runkeeperapp #fitbit #noom #weightloss #summer (at Lexington, Nebraska) https://www.instagram.com/p/CQ95Ge6M-1n/?utm_medium=tumblr
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Serenity got to ride a pony yesterday too! (at Overton, Nebraska) https://www.instagram.com/p/CQ6s5UfMtAZ/?utm_medium=tumblr
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Kira got to ride a pony. Her grandma tried to tell her it was her birthday gift. Lol (at Overton, Nebraska) https://www.instagram.com/p/CQ6sfwxsJ7M/?utm_medium=tumblr
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