#i dont love writing fiction or poetry or anything like that
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what a movie….
#he has everything in common with the dead because nicky is dead from the very beginning btw#and of course. what is nicky if not a reflection of mikey#yknow that post thats like what emotion do u write from. i never rb it cause i don’t consider myself a writer per se#i dont love writing fiction or poetry or anything like that#but i loveee to write stuff like this#anyways. i think i write from desperation and from looking back in shame#i really love commas and parallel structure and repetition. esp repetition. esp if it changes slightly#film#meta#my writing#<- i dont know if ive ever used that tag or if i have it was like four years ago… hmm#okay im going to bed now goodnight everyone!!
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i fucking love lubelles goal of being to explain everything and ruin the joy and wonder of what makes up the damn show. feels like a backhanded acknowledgment of old nv criticism (and honestly criscsim in sci-fi and fiction these days) where people used to say “okay but whats the point, whats the plot, why does the weird stuff happen with no consequence, i dont like that its not linear, how come this happens, theres no continuity wah” Baby it was never about the plot its never been about a plot its been about the magic and joy of fucking sitting there and listening to another world for 30 minutes from a man whose just has got a lot on his plate and has two braincells. Its commentary its jazz its free form fucking word poetry that sometimes stabs you in the gut. If thats not your cup of tea then thats completely and utterly fine but that doesnt automatically define it as bad. i know i joke a lot about them having no continuity but i dont care! Id listen to anything wtnv makes bc theyre playing in the space and breathing life into new stories and changing things because they want to and each episode feels like a weird thinkpiece on whatever’s going on in our world. Not everything needs an explanation or a grander purpose sometimes its just there for the joy of writing sometimes a story can be built from talking about everything but the thing that its talking about just how cecil palmer is defined by the people around him and we are never given a description of the guy. giving explanation destroys the beauty and wonder and dont u fucking get why i fucking LOVE LUBELLE and what this arc is doing and commenting on because above all else wtnv has been commentary even in the places its stumbled and failed dont u freaking see.. question why you’re asking what the point of something is question why you care so much about numbers and things lining up and working out perfectly. people are ugly and emotional and small towns are weird and stuff gets rehashed there over and over and over again dont you see the layers? Dont you see the fucking romance in a man who praises science above all else refusing to explain something to his husband to keep the magic alive? No No? In your quest to find the answer did you forget about the joy of the question?
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A Complete Guide To Chaotic Academia
bc its my fav aesthetic and there is not enough content about it
Outfits
most people say that chaotic academia is just dark academia but a little bit more messy, and, well, chaotic. the truth is, chaotic academia is A LOT more messy than dark academia. you can still use dark academia as kind of a "base", but you are going to replace your blazers with flannels, your turtlenecks with tshirts. as for pants, you can go with litteraly anything: cigarette pants, tailored trousers, ripped-up jeans or normal black leggings. i personally really ike ripped up overalls bc they give that "i dont really give a damn, im so misunderstood, my parents didnt love me, im a crazy lonely introverted teenage child" vibe...idk. whatever you wear, make sure you feel comfortable in it! even tho in chaotic academia there are almost no rules at all, here are some things that might help you!
colours: any earthy tones are fine, brown, caramel, dark green, dark red, white, etc etc
fictional characters that might inspire you:
-remus lupin
- any dpc character
- jess mariano
- sydney novak
accesories: flannels (a personal fav + they make even the most boring fit look better), cardigans, converse (bonus points if you draw/write on them or if you have them laced in a weird way), bracelets or necklaces that mean something to you, harry potter back packs, tote bags...
hairstyles: whatever you want, just make sure your hair is ALWAYS messy, looking like you just fucking woke up
Activities and Traits
ok now we're getting to the actually important part bc (repeat after me): chaotic academia is not about how you look, its about how you live and how you act. so here r some thing that might help:
- annotating books with the most unhinged random thoughts
- learning poetry or speeches word for word but not remembering most of the things for school
- studying in the (school) library and being besties with the librarian (optional)
- leaving notes (on trees, mailboxes or library books) for strangers to find
- "studying while listening to classical music" and then instead of studying you end up agressivly mouthing your favorite song
- im sure yall already heard this one, but yes, swearing and slag while discussing deep academic topics is incredibly important
- speaking of important topics: posting something important on social media knowing no one will read it
- doodles on your hands 24/7 (NO SUSAN, I DONT GIVE A DAMN THAT ITS BAD FOR MY SKIN)
- sarcasm. a lot.
- random thoughts
- random quotes
- knowing a ton of conspiracy theories that you dont even beileve in by heart
- listening to all different types of podcasts
- one day reading the classics, the next ya fantasy and day after that ao3 smut
- multifandom, multishipper
- tea/coffee addiction
- adding b.c. to todays date when writing it in school
- random thoughts and the weirdest annotations in your school notebooks, especially the classes that you find boring
- "going to the bathroom" and then spending half of your math class drawing/reading/smoking/crying/thinking/whatever the fuck you wanna do there bc ur tired of everything
- stealing random stuff from stores (tho it is not encouraged blah blah blah)
- watching gilmore girls every fall
- telling people ur favorite colour is green even tho it isnt just to let them know that ur gay
- reading in class, on breaks, at home, parks, meetings, aethletic events, and generally all the fucking time
- doing (mostly) everything last minute
- bad at photography, but you enjoy it
- cold tea my beloved
- wearing one item every day: it can either be a necklace, a flannel, a bracelet, a badge, headphones, earrings etc etc
- extremely messy handwriting, always writing with black pen
- crying at least once a day, but only when ur alone, being super emotional but never showing it
- hobbies include reading, screaming in your pillow, learning unique languages that you will probably never use, rewatching dead poets society, harry potter, enola holmes, end of the fucking world and gilmore girls
- massive bookworm, reads all the time, always has a book with them
- skipping class, not that often tho
- 💫anger issues💫
- hyperactive and lazy at the same time
- uses big words but makes fun of other people when they do it
- writes (rebellious) book quotes everywhere, every single one of their notebooks had IF WE BURN, YOU BURN WITH US written in them lol
- random useless powerpoints
- analysing taylor swift's folklore and evermore instead of sheakspeare because its just better
- retired almost-emo, had a phase when they wore black and acted all mysterious but were never really emo i cant explain it
- likes mcr. this one speaks for itself.
- gay and sad. no explanation needed.
Books, Movies and Music
Books:
- Harry Potter by you know who (WE DONT SUPPORT HER THO)
- The Secret History by Donna Tartt
- Night School by CJ Daugherty (is that how u spell it lol)
- The Ninth House by Leigh Bardugo
- Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo
- Heartstopper by Alice Oseman
- Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
- Emma by Jane Austen
- Hamlet by Do I Really Need To Say Who
- The Perks Of Being A Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
- The Picture of Dorain Gray by Oscar Wilde
- Frankenstein by Marry Shelley
Movies/TV Shows
- end of the fucking world
- heartstopper
- harry potter
- enola holmes
- dead poets society
- gilmore girls
- httyd (no kidding lol)
im not really a film girlie so if yall have any recs please lmk
Music:
- Mother Mother
- Taylor Swift (obviously)
- Lana Del Slay
- Conan Gray
- Olivia Rodrigo
- My Chemical Romance
- Lovejoy
- Bowie
- Queen
- Radiohead
- Björk
- Those random Disney songs i know you scream to at 3am
also whoever sings the IMJUSTATEENAGEDIRTBAGBAABBYY song
here is my playlist if yall wanna listen to it
hope that helps lol
#chaotic academia#academia aesthetic#light academia#dark academia#jess mariano#dead poets society#dead gay wizards#why is everyone dead help#gay and sad#books#fanfiction#remus lupin#wolfstar#anti jkr#Spotify
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About Us!
To start this off, we're a RAMCOA and mixed origins system, that bothers you? Feel free to leave
Now that that's over with, hi! Nice to meet ya, welcome to the chaos. The main side who runs this blog is Manik, he's an Angel Dust fictive from Hazbin Hotel and goes by any pronouns :) He's our front anchor and host, and we rely on him for a lot of stability in the system. Another host we have is Kringe, although he's mostly in co-con, he may fuck around here sometimes tho!
Our system origins are fucking weird but we're a distorpid system + esogenic + gateway + delusionbased + HC-DID + cephaloconcious system however even though we are an HC-DID system we still just call ourselves endogenic because it's easier and fits us better. We have a duplex system (sharing a system completely, our "innerworld" is the same) with our honorary sibling @oxygenatedbots
About the system - We're a system of 800+ as of last updated, but our system is forever growing and we consider it to be eternal. We also are uncomfortable with the terms alters/headmates being used for us due to our origins and prefer the terms sides/sysmates when referring to us. Of course, you can also just use our names. Most sides originate due to spirtual beliefs but we believe trauma has also majorly influenced our system, with that being said, we are primarily endogenic and have decided we have been plural for a good while, but when we did "split" we were going through extreme trauma, so really we don't know what we split from but we do believe you dont have to split from trauma. Oh, also please don't use the word "innerworld" when referring to us! Call it Alpime or the Inneruniverse, thanks!
DM me asking for a cat pic to cheer you up, I shall deliver
SEND ME ASKS FOR STUFF YOU WANT ME TO TALK ABOUT. We'll post poetry, short stories, alterhumanity, non-humanity and system related things if ya ask!
Pronouns ~ Collectively He/They/Thrive/Grow/Way/Path//Point/World/Cosmo/Void/Planet/Star/Moon/Night/Astro/Dark/Shadow/Spirit/Glow/Glimpse/Ghost/Fade/Dreary/Corrupt/Virus/Hack/Glitch/Music/Song
Kintypes ~ Voidkin and snow leopard therian. (But I will say, our voidkin identity is heavily influenced on being a plural system)
About me ~ The body is minor so please be aware of that. Anyways I'm a proud mom to three cats, love them all equally (we know that's a lie) we can't get any diagnosises due to our own situation irl however we are self diagnosed with a lot- so here's the full list. DID, anxiety, depression, OCD, NPD, BPD, schizophrenia, autism and ADHD. BPD and OCD tend to collectively be shared across the system to a more extreme extent, but specifically OCD, and we all tend to experience both of those very similarly. We consider ourselves mentally and physically disabled, even though we can't get a diagnosis for anything due to personal reasons we know at least we are limited in a lot of areas. About the physical disability we don't know exactly what it is but we experience constant lightheadedness and sometimes blurry vision and it genuinely negatively impacts our daily life
Posting schedule ~ we post poems sometimes! Depends on motivation levels and how busy we are but that's actually why we started this blog! and then depending on other shit sometimes we'll do short stories, system posts and alterhumanity related posts. Yes this blog is chaotic, yes atm it's mainly reblogs, no we don't give a fuck.
Stuffs I write ~ I write a lot of darker topics in my poetry such as us ruining the world, mental health, etc. I do put trigger warnings on some of my posts so please keep this in mind y'all. About my short stories, I wrote partially just fiction stuff or I may start with a prompt. The other half of the stuff I write is going to be werewolf/Lycanthropy/therianthropy themed!
DNI ~ Idgaf who interacts anymore, if I don't like you I'll block you but just be aware of our identities and apply your DNI to us, if we're in it get the fuck out. We're probably that freak in your DNI anyways (totally stolen from a friend, love ya!)
Misc ~ PLEASE GIVE ME RECOMMENDATIONS!!! Feel free to *flood* my inbox with requests, I will get to them! I'd seriously love to know what y'all want for short stories and poetry! If you give me a recommendation it will be a bonus post and not one of my daily things! Spam likes are fine, welcome, and appreciated! It's always great to know what y'all enjoy. Feel free to ask as many questions as you want about my writing and also criticise me! I'm totally welcome to take y'all's advice and I'd love to improve on my work! Also feel free to send me drafts for poems, I will make them my own style and give you full credit for the ideas and how it was executed ^^
About the blog-ish: Different sides may post certain things, some will leave sign offs, others won't, but be aware of this. My blog is not a place of hate or to discriminate, I want this to be a safe space. Do not come to my blog being a bitch, or saying my beliefs are not valid, or saying other's beliefs are not valid. I will block anyone who says stuff like that. This blog is centered around writing, alterhumanity and system shit. If I fuck some info up in a post TELL ME. I do research everything but I've had some angry people dming me, please politely say I messed up info and don't scream at me. I am trying my best, but my best isn't always perfectly accurate. I primarily speak from my own experiences but when I don't I'm relying on the beautiful thing we call the Internet and opinions vary on here. I want to make my content as accurate and relatable as possible so please do tell me if I mess up. This blog also mentions mental health and trauma occasionally so typically I do put TWs. Anyways, that's all! Love ya!
I need friends, feel free to reach out (especially if a system, would love more system friends. Also only minors, bc the body is sadly
I think that's it, thanks!
Last updated ~ April 4, 2024 - Manik
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list five things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last ten people who liked or reblogged something from you! Get to know your followers, mutuals and all the wonderful people on here!
YES TUMBLR DOESNT MAKE THE ASK LOOK FUNNY SJBFJSD SORRY FOR REPLYING TO THIS SO LATE CERU 😭😭😭
Five things that make me happy? Aight:
1. Art!!! I feel so happy with art!!! Whether it'd be mines or others!! I love art they're scrumptious (this means any type of art, which includes music, poetry, writing, etc. etc.)
2. Cater Diamond!! I bet it's not obvious at all that this fictional young man makes me very happy very sad very understood nope yep you dont know that fact at all no dont look at my blog its just not obvious at all
3. Sleeping. Cuz i can escape from everything and anything for a moment (no i cant)
4. GARDENS!!! GOOD LORD YOU DONT KNOW HOW MUCH I WANT TO LIVE THE COTTAGECORE LIFE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS WITH NO ONE ELSE BUT ME AND MY CATS RAHHHHH
5. Cats. They're portable pillows (i dont have a pet cat)
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Why finding the right person takes time and effort.
You gotta know yourself, right? You already do, you just need to write to your self, your dream career, dream home, and dream life. Some of it might change, but you'd be surprised how much it doesn't. Now you need to write down what you want to give to a mate, and what you want to recieve, and make a third colomn, what you want to share, at the top of that needs to be, the same kind of place to live, and same lifestyle you want. A fourth colomn needs to say, Things I dont want to Share. If you dont have anything in that colomn, you are not yet honest with your self. Some people do not want to share their money, or their fame, or road time. Some people dont want to share their mate/spouse. That one is a healthy thing to not share, as long as its not taken too far, like keeping them from making friends. Trust is not something you build, trust is something that the other person shows you over a year. If someone acts fishy or callus or runs over you, they are telling you, "I come first, you can't trust me.".
So you see, finding someone takes time enough for them to show you who they really are, how mature, how selfish, and how much they can be trusted, and how reliable they are. If you don't share the same ideas of a great life, you both will be crushing each others' dreams.
Some of you are so independent and opposed to owning and being owned that marriage is not really your cup of tea. You need good friends you know well. Don't get married just because everyone thinks they have to. Its only good when its real and each person is owned by the other equally, and they share a common dream, and have trust and also, very importantly, like each other. Hormones can make you love someone you actually dont like!
To find someone takes effort, you have to go where they are, ski slopes, antique stores, libraries, writer meet ups, poetry readings, theater classes, painting exhibits, dance clubs, if you actually like that, farmer markets, garden clubs, science fiction clubs, gamer parties etc. What ever fits your dream life needs to fit theirs too.
And be cautious, as always. And look for one other thing or things, what they are already married to...
Its amazing the things people can be married to and not truly realize it. They can be married to gaming, religious fighting, their art, their ex's, their parents, their cars, their free time, their ego, their fame, their fear, their anger, their vengence on a parent placed on you, their loss, seeking a mom or dad's love through you, something that takes decades to grow out of, but usually, they need couselling and a mother or father to adopt them as a friend. People can be married to greed, selfishness, ie themselves, to addictions... Addictions can hide pain and soothe it at the same time. Sex addictions come from habit or need for love, or need for excitement, the last is hard to trust, if a sex addiction goes past the screen or page into the real world, it means they are addicted to excitement, and they are not ready to be owned. Besides chemicals, which mainly numb you, the greatest addiction is gaming. The world has pushed people into cardboard boxes and nearly slave labor just to survive, gaming is a place where you achieve and win and build, why would it not be addicting right now?
It is not a safe world, but little by little, you can find friends and build a life together and have each others backs, and eventually find a dream mate. I pray you are blessed in this endevor, because loneliness kills you.
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I want to get more into classic literature. Any recommendations? Your taste is awesome. (I'm mainly interested in romantic literature. Major bonus points if it's gay. But I'm up for any kind of classic literature.)
omg thanks for this question!! i love giving recs on this shit lol
ancient queer stuff
'collected works of sappho' is always good place to start, i would recommend anne carson's translation. it is not the most literal in translation but it is the best version in my opinion for understanding the gay emotions that sappho was trying to to convey.
on that note, i would also recommend reading enheduanna's 'poems for the goddess inanna'. think of her as sappho's elder, she was a sumerian poet and the first person we know to have ever created a collection of poems and signed her name to it. she was also very queer.
'the iliad' is also very very gay!! i dont have a favourite translation, my fave greek translator hasn't covered it yet but deffo check homer out.
classic (or modern classic) queer stuff
'orlando' by virginia woolf - a book about a man that wakes up as a woman one day and also immortal. the book is a bisexual in everyway love letter to vita sackville-west, the arguable love of virginia woolf's life. also would recommend reading 'mrs dalloway' or 'a room of one's own' by woolf and literally anything written by vita who was an established writer, too.
'giovanni's room' by james baldwin - this book was really important in my coming out process when i was a teenager. its about letting yourself be loved when you've been raised in shame. james baldwin's writing is a gift. check out his poetry if you're into poetry fs. i also really like baldwin's 'tell me how long the train's been gone'
'the well of loneliness' by radclyffe hall - not a personal fave of mine but definitely an important piece of lesbian literature.
'maurice' by e.m forster - forster hid this book from the world until his death. its about gay happiness and he knew if publishers got their hands on it they would make it about gay sadness. it was publish how forster wanted in the 1970's even though he wrote it in like 1917 or something lol
'the price of salt' by patricia highsmith - the novel that the movie carol is based off of
'the city and the pillar' by gore vidal
'better angel' by forman brown
the dark bisexual quartet that is : mary shelley's 'frankenstein', bram stoker's 'dracula', oscar wilde's 'the picture of dorian gray' and joseph le fanu's 'carmilla'
'rebecca' by daphne du maurier - i love 'rebecca' because it so bisexual and nasty but anything by daphne is a big rec from me!! she was openly bi and it's very evident in her work lol.
'the bell jar' by sylvia plath - the original manic pixie bisexual. i try to read 'the bell jar' once every couple of years.
'the charioteer' by mary renault - mary renault was one of the first people to write gay fiction in the uk in a positive light and her work was frequently banned!!
'Q.E.D' by gertrude stein
'yellow rose' by yoshiya nobuko - she wrote a lot of lesbian lit but 'yellow rose' is one of her only stories translated into english
'tales of a mask' by yukio mishima
'patience and sarah' by isabelle miller
'the color purple' by alice walker - gay but depressing as all fuck however literary wise, the writing is incredible. taught me a lot about voice and perspective.
'the great gatsby' by f. scott fitzgerald - easy to read, so damn short and the most subtext to ever subtext. fitz was a shit but whatever.
non specifically queer classic stuff
'tess of the d'urbervilles' or 'jude the obscure' by thomas hardy - hardy owned my arse when i was a teenager lol, i would consider these two of my fave books ever.
'wuthering heights' by emily bronte - divisive as always. its a book people either love or hate. its also a confusing read and i would recommend looking up a character map if you do attempt it. however, i'm one of the people that thinks 'wuthering heights' lives up the hype and the first time i read it it broke me.
'pride and prejudice' by jane austen - like wuthering heights but fun!
'the mill on the floss' by george eliot - 'silar marner' is good, too but i like mill better. i wrote my entrance essay for uni on it and my ma used to read it to me when i was little.
'metamorphosis' by franz kafka - anything by kafka is good tbh
'the second sex' by simone de beauvoir - important read that helped me understand a lot about early 20th century feminism, the good and the bad. the book i consider the foundation for a lot of what has come since.
'the lord of the rings' by jrr tolkien - idk if you're looking for fantasy (if you are let me know i'll make another list lol) but if you haven't read lotr, i promise it is better than you can ever imagine. tolkien also lives up to the hype.
lovecraft. start with the cthulhu mythos and branch out from there. 'the call of cthulhu' or 'the dunwich horror' or 'the nameless city' are good entry points imo.
okay that seems like a lot, i have more if you need lol. hope this helps in some way!
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hello ridi how are u! how's ur sourdough starter! is the weather ok! is the weekend treating you nice... what cookies do you plan on making? what are you reading rn? are you writing anything? do you like long chapters? what's ur deepest secret! what's the best kate bush album (no incorrect answer to this one)! have you watched any new shows or movies recently & what do you think of them? and most importantly pick & choose from these questions the ones you feel like answering like an ask game...
omg hi hello...what a fun ask i feel like ive been stopped by one of those online street interviewer people...but a lovely one obviously...i am okay!! how are you i hope youre well!! sad to announce that my sourdough starter well i killed him didnt i. deliberatelyhe was just getting so needy and i felt like i was working very hard for him for such little reward so in the end i decided to save my flour xx which is fine because i can now use it to make cookies!! brown sugar chocolate chips ones which are beautiful if i can get them right...and if i can get into the kitchen because my dad is in there cooking atm.
this morning i finished chelsea girls by eileen myles!! sort of a memoir/poetry/essay collection non fiction read with a kind of strange tumbling prose at times (brought to mind kerouac a little? but maybe not) so there were bits i liked and bits i didnt but the bits on like the lesbian scene in new york in the 70s and 80s were really interesting!! my next read is going 2 be mr loverman by bernardine evaristo i have the most gorgeous copy : ^ ) i dont mind a long chapter if the books good...i do appreciate small bitty chapters can make long ones feel likea slog but that is a good thing i think. makes u take ur time with a book makes u slow down a bit. as for writing!! i am currently writing the [redacted] au which is going alright now ive started making some actual progress on it now (albeit slowly about. a scene every day and a half) and im really enjoying it!! have been writing some poetry also although i find poetry far more difficult to write so those are likely to never see the light of day but its still fun to try it out : ^ )
best kate bush album i think either the kick inside or the dreaming. the dreaming is incredible and ofc it has suspended in gaffa on it one of my all time favourite songs xx i like hounds of love too although i think that one is a bit overrated just in comparison to some of her other albums. recently i have watched a few films!! velvet goldmine (which i didn't like) and aftersun (which i did), aftersun was incredible i heavily recommend xx oh and my deepest secret...well of course ill never tell.. xoxo gossip girl (<- ive never seen gossip girl). thank u for this ask it was so fun!! please pop back in and let me know how YOU are bab ill make us some tea xx
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for that ask game: orchid, sage, aloe vera, palm tree, papyrus
orchid... 3!
"orchid ⇢ what’s a song you consider to be perfect?":
ラジカル少女 (rajikaru shoujo/radical girl)
another song that has done so so much for me. this might honestly be my top favorite song. i listen to it a lot when i write certain scenes and just in general... butaotome's originals are soooo good i wish more people knew about them. people only ever really listen to their touhou stuff and thats so sad to me
"sage ⇢ what ‘medium’ of art (poetry, music, fiction, paintings, statues etc.) is the most touching to you? why do you think that is?":
honestly, all forms of art are touching to me in their own ways. it's all stuff that people have painstakingly made by themselves, for a variety of different reasons. music can immerse me, poetry and fiction both can make me feel a large variety of things, paintings can be so awe inspiring to look at, statues, sculptures and woodwork are all incredible to me... even stuff like architecture is incredible to me. the amount of planning that some forms of art take, while others can be done with only feelings and not much thought... it's all amazing! the sistine chapel is a masterpiece, but so is the chalk drawing of a dog that the little boy who used to live across the street made just for me. all forms of creative expression can be touching as long as they're sincere
"aloe vera ⇢ what’s something (mundane) you really want to experience in life?":
there are soooo many things i could put here bc ive been sick for so long that theres tons of mundane stuff that everyone can do that i havent been able to but... i think for now ill just go with, i want to go out and have fun with friends. like, just hanging out irl or going to a restaurant. and i know im going to finally be getting that when i go to AX later, but... i still want it rn. lol
"palm tree ⇢ do you have a fictional villain you shouldn’t like but love regardless?":
no! my taste is perfect and flawless and i can like whichever character i want! and also i dont like how love is italicized there. i only love love one (1) character.
"papyrus ⇢ if you put your ‘on repeat’ playlist on shuffle, what’s the first song that comes up? what do you like about it / associate it with?":
poppin' up! ; i like how it sounds a lot. my favorite lovelive song now. i like the chorus part where she's like "tama ni wa ne (crying crying~) utsumuichatte mo (trying trying~)" SO much. i dont really associate it with anything really? i guess the singer? kasumin?
#rii rambles#asks#long post#also i feel like you personally wouldnt like poppin up bc i know ur taste and how u feel about voices like hers#but if u do... then hell yes
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Some gayish questions: 4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 11, 37, 39, 55, 66, 67, 70, 71, 75, 80, 95, 96, 98, 99
lmao sorry im just the kinda person who asks a lot its ok if you dont answer some
thank u for asking my love!! no question is off limits for me :)
4 - is your current hair color your natural hair color? - yes it is!! I dyed my hair for AGES but I'm finally at the "i need to wear my natural hair color before it falls out" stage 😂
5- are you more outgoing or more shy? - sometimes I feel shy but when I'm around people, my natural personality is very outgoing!
6 - are you more femme or butch? - def more femme!
7 - are you tol or smol? - oh I am very smol (5'4" hehe)
9 - weird habit? - I don't think I have any like weird habits?? but I definitely have anxiety-influenced habits like consistent foot tapping and skin-picking and shit, like to the point where other people notice 😅
11 - do you sing in the shower? - more like I put on my own fucking CONCERT in the shower omg
37 - something you fantasize about. - being in a band. that would be so fucking dope.
39 - what was the last thing that made you laugh? - I think some TikTok or IG reel
55 - did you hang out with the person you like recently? - heck yeah!! he's my bf and I live with him 😎
66 - who was your celebrity/fictional gay awakening? - oh God this is such a good question. ngl I think it was Velma in that fucking Scooby-Doo movie when she walks down the stairs in that orange leather jumpsuit like 😍 ok mommy sheeeeesh
67 - intimidating girls or kind girls? - I personally vibe most with kind girls. intimidating can sometimes be hot but usually its a turn-off for me and makes you unapproachable.
70 - are you good at flirting? - ummm to an extent HAHA I feel like I can get awkward about it sometimes, but maybe after like 3 glasses of wine I'll be feeling pretty confident 😂
71 - who was the first person you came out to? - so I haven't really fully, truly "come out" in the sense of like making a post about it and telling people and stuff like that. I think all the people in my life know because it's been casually brought up in conversation or were there to see me go through various relationships with women so like they knew. but I never actually ever "came out." some people in my life don't know, and that's fine. I think me not entirely coming out has to do with a deep-rooted scared feeling of feeling rejected or abandoned because my family is very much conservative and I know they wouldn't be cool with it, so I've just always kept it as a topic of conversation more than a sit-down let-me-get-this-off-my-chest kind of thing. family still doesn't know, but I've come to terms with the fact that it's also none of their business (especially as a 26-year-old woman)!
75 - write a short love poem to your crush/self? - omg this is hard but i love poetry writing ok lemme try
free spirit baby
i envy the carefree light in your eyes
a soul that serves for the weak, unknown
and though you lack the strength to see
i’ll burden your last breath
((i can't help but make any love poem also sound sad sorry LOL))
80 - what is your “type?” - ummm for men definitely facial hair, i def like a guy with a beard, usually heavier set. for women I usually like more femme, also heavier set. look I'm just about the BBW okay 😂
95 - do you have a favorite lesbian ship? is it canon? - I actually don't have a fave lesbian ship at all! I usually read a lot of male x male ships
96 - what is the most aggravating thing someone has said to you about your sexuality? - honestly no one has really said anything that aggravates me, but I've definitely had some people in the past make the comment that I must "get a lot of butch pussy" because I'm so femme and it just bothers me when people say that :/ just comes off as insensitive.
98 - what is love to you? - love is eternal, love is everything. love is what feels like home to you. you look at that person and you feel home.
99 - ask me anything - I wanna know your gay awakening! I LOVE hearing these stories, they always make my day haha.
#thanks babe!!#also i will respond to your message soon i have been meaning to OMG I'm the worst#busylesbiangeek
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Introduction!
Hi yall! Name is Bell F. Archer, but you can call me Archie and I'm a writer who has decided to make a blog for my work! I've never made one of these so here we go!
I post mostly on Instagram under @writersprocrastinators but I hope to post longer works here, updates on my WIPs, any random prompt I see, and hopefully receive tons of asks and prompt requests. I'm 26 living in the US, I enjoy many different TV shows, but I loved shows like Chuck, Bones, Castle, most of the MCU works, iZombie, Family Guy, the 100, Wynona Earp, Motherland: Fort Salem, Lucifer, ATLA, Walking dead universe, honestly the list is never ending it would be easier if yall asked if I've seen it and I'll say yes or no lol. Hope you enjoy this intro!
I'll follow your accounts from this account seeing as its my only and main account.
I however will not follow if you're under 18, or if you have no age on your blog. As another warning, this blog will contain some material that may not be suitable for underage viewers, nothing too intense but better safe than sorry. I am not responsible if you read something you should not have, and all mature content will be marked as such!
♤ About me ♤
I'm relatively new to setting up a blog on Tumblr for this purpose so if there's any tips, please send them my way!
I like fictional works ranging from crime dramas, romance, fantasy, and others like dystopian works. Honestly, I don't read nearly as much as I could, but I write a lot and enjoy fan fictions! I find fan writing to be fun to read because the writing styles tend to feel very different between all writers, for the same base content. Reading each authors twists on a particular moment is pretty inspiring! It's hard to explain, but I I love to read it, but I don't particularly write it and would love to chat about it! I'm always looking to follow blogs that post anything writing related.
♤About this blog♤
This blogs purpose is for any and all of my writings/poems/stories and whatever else I write. I'll hopefully start doing some OC introductions, world building, or any art that can connect to my works. For example, one of my WIPs has a map that I've been working on, and I've also been trying to teach myself how to draw in order to draw the OCs out (it's very hard and I'm having a hard time lol).
I'm open to asks, prompts, questions, and messages, but do keep it respectful, I don't find wasting my time to be something I enjoy. If you have any advice or recommendations please also let me know! If you'd like something written for you, in a fictional sense not an essay or something lol, I will gladly look into it!
All writing done here is entirely my own, written by me and for me. Please do not copy my work anywhere else © copyright notice is below and on this page. I hate that I even have to say this, but people steal content so often and I just dont want the headache.
♤How my writings will work♤
Not all of my work is connected, but a lot of them are part of the same "series", specifically the poems are. They’ll be tagged as the same series. The WIPs are not connected, but they both have tons of similar callbacks and subtle author references.
Most of the poems are within a part of a series, and the characters for the "conversations" are generally the same people unless I say otherwise.
♤What you can expect to see♤
On this blog you can expect to see plenty of poetry, prose, short works, and maybe even excerpts of my WIPS. Let me know what you prefer to see!
♤About my WIPS♤
Whatever Means Necessary (working title)
This is a crime drama fiction, that is by far my oldest work. It's got a dash of romance but for this one it's less and more subtle, due to its nature. Part 2 has a bit more of it, but that WIP is very far from happening. It's been in progress since 2011 about, and I have yet to finish it, hence the procrastinators part. This one is about 3-5 chapters from being done! Its all the editing that's gonna get me.
I would rate this as a new adult fiction.
Some tropes in WMN are spies, futuristic weapons, angst, life changing family news, discovering family, family nemesis, casual drug and alcohol use, slow burn (like glacial), found family, betrayal, symbolism, and besties.
Warnings: graphic depictions of violence, attempted SA, death, cursing, sexual scenarios
Fallen (working title)
This is a fantasy/dystopian & adventure fiction that is newer and has many more moving parts, lore, descriptions and OCs. This one is not even close to being fully written out, but is plotted out fairly well. I learned my mistake with no outline this time around.
I would rate this again, as a new adult fiction. But too mature for young adult, not quite mature enough to be adult.
Some tropes in Fallen are enhanced human abilities, zombie-esque creatures, mythical creatures and beings, monsters, reinvented military, dystopian governments, utopian governments, romance, not so slow slow burn, extreme angst, character death, defying destiny, defying fate, mental health exploration, race discussions and combating aggressions, found family, gender and sexuality exploration, positions of power, morally grey characters, betrayal, and symbolism.
Warnings: graphic depictions of violence, mentions and attempts of SA, major and side character death, cursing, sexual scenarios, murder, illness, heavy casual drug and alcohol use. This work is considerably grittier.
Hope you enjoyed the Intro! First post is coming within the next few days!
Have a beautiful one, Bell.
© Bell F. Archer, Tumblr and writersprocrastinators, 2024.
#creative writing#writing#author#poets of tumblr#poets on poetry#poets on tumblr#poetsandwriters#poetscommunity#poetsclub#sad poems#work in progress#writers on tumblr#blog intro#intro post#writersprocrastinators#short poem#short story#poems and prose
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going to shut up bout writing and delete soon but these current posts of mine come from a comparison between fanfiction vs poetry, plays and OG fiction and its interesting 1) ive written like 3 fics since my main background comes from poetry, essays, nonfiction and some screenwriting which im actually pretty good at bc i have a good ear for spoken language, at least in Spanish. Like i keep a huge refranero doc and i add to it daily 2) accordingly im just not good at pacing + characters but great at descriptions bc hey ur not ~ creating ~ in these fields, you’re describing and interpreting what there already is. 3) some ppl were saying they dont read fic and i can sort of relate! I like short form fic but usually seek published works since they are more polished, but Samuel Delaney once gave some advice which boiled down to “read everything and anything critically from the genre you wish to write, and then go write” so i accordingly will read anything that falls in my hands and i love it so much
#Delete soon#on writing#Sry es que he estado en baja so me motivé cc esta semana pq mi editora le gustó mi artículo lol
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answers 4 dis ask game:
your favourite playlist (made by yourself or someone else)- https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6lKN0XzDLXKBtjSJCeM0FH?si=40fc7e91b1e64b67 teehee
how many houseplants in your room, and what kinds are they?
omg, i lots n lots n lots…abt 12? most notably 2 spider plants, my roommate’s monstera, a million bazillion succulents, ponytail palm, propagating green onions, + i also have a lemon tree but i had 2 move it out of my dorm bc it got too cold. it has a lemon growing on it rn! V excited <;3
your favourite “grounding” activity (anything that involves using the hands/doesn’t involve “spacing out” or escapism - something like gardening, knitting, dancing, cooking)
def journaling! taking time 2 work thru my thoughts and even to just draw n brainstorm new projects is v relaxing 2 mi. also,,,, i’ve invested sm $$ into cute stickers n washi tapes n gel pens…its a bit of a problem, i wont lie D:
an account on social media whose posts make you smile
@veryluckyclover on instagram dot com! Luv elle’s work
5 tv shows that cheer you up
She-ra
Fruits basket
Horimiya
Over the Garden Wall
Steven universe :O
how you get relaxed when you’re struggling to sleep
when i cant sleep, i usually just try 2 use that time 2 b productive + dont try 2 force sleep. i like having a cup of tea and doing a little studying or getting around 2 watch smt
your favourite board game
NOT a gamer, but i’m pretty good at scrabble and i like winning. So.
if you were going to write a non-fiction book on any topic, what would it be?
ladino! i know very little about it and am extremely not qualified but i would love an excuse to take classes and learn more abt it
a quote that you would consider getting tattooed or putting in a frame
luv luv luv arabic poetry n there r so many 2 choose frum but that’s too vulnerable 2 say out loud atm (i will make a post later) (be warned)
something you’ve created in the last year that you’re proud of (a playlist, a piece of art, some writing, a craft hobby, a social media account, etc)
i made a cross stitch 4 a mitski lyric + earlier today i made a book compiling some of my fav poems!
a tip or hack you’ve learned that makes cleaning or tidying easier
having lysol wipes around! V versatile.
if you could make a candle that smelt like anything, what would you pick?
i’m a big fan of jasmine scents but probs my ex-gf
an artist (of any kind) whose work you look forward to seeing
Mitski :3 alsooooo @veryluckyclover on insta dot com (their art is holding mi 2gether is2g)
how you wake your body up when it’s feeling tired, achy or needs a stretch
cigarette and espresso romano, lord forgive me
a bath, shower, beauty or toiletry product that makes you feel revived, or that you always re-order when it’s running out
not a singular product, but here’s my skincare routine:
The Ordinary Squalane Cleanser
The Ordinary Hyaluronic Acid 2% + B5
The Ordinary AHA 30% + BHA 2% Peeling Solution
The Ordinary Buffet
The Ordinary Natural Moisturizing Factors + HA
Daytime: [JMSolution] Glow Luminous Flower Sun Stick Rose SPF50+ PA+++ 21g ; Nighttime: LANEIGE - Water Sleeping Mask EX
no idea if i’m using them in right order but ummm my skin feels pretty good! I also do facemasks once in a while, vaseline 4 my lips, and regular sunscreen every day :P
#ask game#grwm#a day in the life#slice of life#studyblr#study blog#college life#aesthetic#cottagecore#soft
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INTERVIEW WITH A WRITEBLR — @galactic-mystics-writes
Who You Are:
Galaxy || She/they
I live in New Mexico with two of my partners, my many pets and my sibling. Im a college student working towards a degree in early childhood education.
What You Write:
What genres do you write in? What age ranges do you write for?
Adventure, fantasy, poetry, romance, sci-fi, tragedy. Young adult, new adult, and adult.
What genre would you write in for the rest of your life, if you could? What about that genre appeals to you?
Fantasy. There's really no end to what kind of world or character you could have.
What genre/s will you not write unless you HAVE to? What about that genre turns you off?
Horror! Im a giant baby, i would scare myself. I scared myself into being paranoid about a bombing in my hometown because of something i wrote.
Who is your target audience? Do you think anyone outside of that would get anything out of your works?
I think my target would be people around my age, so about 18-25, mostly. My characters tend to be in that age range, but i think anyone who had an appreciation for what i write could find a enjoyment in my stories.
What kind of themes do you tend to focus on? What kinds of tropes? What about them appeals to you?
Siblings, loss, found family, ect. I hold a massive love for my siblings and my found family, but ive also experienced a ton of loss (thankfully mostly not related to my siblings) that writing gives me a chance to process.
What themes or tropes can you not stand? What about them turn you off?
Women losing power if theyre soft and caring. I think its ridiculous that something that makes ANYONE a stronger person (love, family, compassion) is somehow capable of removing someone's strength and power. It also applies to men, but i see it more in fictional women's stories.
What are you currently working on? How long have you been working on it?
My 'pet' project is Exodus Down, my soft scifi story that I've been working on since 2017.
Why do you write? What keeps you writing?
Writing is sometimes THE outlet that keeps me from going insane. Without writing, i wouldnt have a way to process what Im feeling.
How long have you been writing? What do you think first drew you to it?
Ive been writing poetry and short stories since i was about 13. The freedom writing gives me is probably what drew me in first, followed closely by realizing people might listen more if i write well
Where do you get your inspiration from? Is that how you got your inspiration for your current project? If not, where did the inspiration come from?
Inspiration is everywhere, speaking as a poet. Speaking as a fantasy and scifi writer, its… still pretty much everywhere.
This might sound stupid but i got the inital Inspiration for Exodus Down from watching Markiplier play Subnautica. The story idea of being lost and having to find a way to survive alone captured me, although it definitely developed much, much farther from that in a few years ive been working on it.
What works of yours are you most proud of? Why?
Exodus Down. I adore the world I've built. The characters i made feel real, and im endlessly proud of where the story is reaching.
Have you published anything? Do you want to?
I've had a few poems published, but Ive never published a story, I think. I would like too! I dont think Exodus Down would catch many publisher's eyes, unfortunately, especially with the nebulous age group it could target.
What part of the publishing process most appeals to you? What part least appeals to you? Why?
Holding a finished book, MY book, at the end of years of labor and love and writers block and pestering my friends for input, reading that dedication, would ve the part that would appeal most to me. I dont think i'd be well equipped for the work that does come along with finding a publisher though, especially since I can be a little sensative towards criticism about my "baby."
What part of the writing process most appeals to you? What part is least appealing?
Theres a process?
Most appealing is probably the act of moving all the beautiful, swirling, colorful ideas i have into just as beautiful scenes.
Least appealing is editing.
Your Thoughts on Writeblr:
How long have you been a writeblr? What inspired you to join the community?
Since about 2017. I wanted somewhere to *put* my story, and figured tumblr would be the place. I didnt know then how big and vibrant the writeblr community is
Shout out some of your favorite writeblrs. How did you find them and what made you want to follow them?
@leafgreen6 is my favorite. I dont actually remember how we ended up following each other or why, it was years ago now, but she quickly became my best friend.
What is your favorite part about writeblr?
The community. Theres so many people who are there for the same thing
What do you think writeblr could improve on? How do you think we can go about doing so?
Im just coming back after a really rough couple of years. I havent figured out what has changed and whats stayed the same yet.
How do you contribute to the writeblr community? Do you think you could be doing more?
I dont think i really do anything for the community, im such a small blog that I dont have much more influence beyond shouting into the void. I probably could do more, but between college and chronic illness, i dont think I will end up with much influence
What kinds of posts do you most like to interact with?
I love ones like this. Ones that invite interaction and getting to know new people, or getting to know ones you know better
What kind of posts do you most like to make?
Im honestly not sure. I half use tumblr for memes, half for the writeblr community. I like sharing my story though, and have been posting a lot of my story lately.
Questions For Fun:
What is one animal you would keep as a pet if you legally could? Why?
If it were legal and i could provide a safe space for a pair, I'd keep a pair of cheetahs! Ive always, always, ALWAYS loved cheetahs since i was a little kid, and to this day, theyre still my utter favorite big cats. I was 15 the first time i ever saw one and i think i would perish if i ever got to pet one.
What color best encapsulates your main character? Why?
I have three main characters for Exodus Down, all of them are POV characters.
Aliee would be green, soft and foresty green. She's bright, welcoming, a little mysterious (her thoughts, when given the choice, are only hers to know, but she doesnt often get the choice from the other two mains) and in the end, a strong fighting character.
Avren would be orange, something maybe a little more brown but still defineably orange. Strong, protective, warm to the people he loves, and comforting. He also really doesnt take much bullshit and orange is a no-bullshit color in my opinion.
Tel'iah would be blue, the same color as a deep, deep ocean or a piece of lapis lazuli. Hes got a depth of knowledge in his eyes, hes calm, reserved, elegant and friendly.
If you could go back to when you first started writing and give yourself advice, what would you say?
If i could go back, I would tell myself that writing the story I need to tell is more important than writing the story i think people need to hear. When i started Exodus Down, i was writing for what i thought would make a good story, and it wasnt great. I dont know what people want to read. I dont know what makes a good story in the eyes of others. But i know what I need to say, to calm my soul, to give myself an outlet and a world where things go the way i need them to, rather than how someone else thinks they should go. So i think i would tell myself to give up the idea of writing for someone else, and just write for myself. Others can take or leave the story as they wish to
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Manager!Seijoh OIKS ROUTE
a/n: this,,,, is probably the angstiest out of the routes and i seem to only write angst for oikawa and i think its a problem
this is for @what-a-creative-username bc oikawa is their favorite seijoh boy so this is for you 🥺
and actually buckle your seatbelts bc this is my longest work and its the biggest mess ever :’) also, this is kinda all over the place soooo
anon:
- May we have an x Oikawa ending to the Manager AU?
- okaayyyy so this is a request for the manager series. please pleASE PLEASEEEEE- make a oikawa ending! 🥺 cuz he’s my favorite and all those times with him in the story feel like more than just friends
OMG IM SORRY BUT MY INNER OIKAWA SIMP THAT I NEVER KNEW WAS EVEN THERE STARTED TO PEAK THROUGH
so basically yea
as seen in a lot of the parts,
oikawa is very,,,, loving towards you
like his entire demeanor was just so different and so,,, authentic,,,, than the ones he shows to other females
maybe it was because you didnt want him in the beginning?
the moment he saw you, he did his first antics and he expected you to turn red and fluster and cutely shy away from him
yanno the works
yet you gave him a stony stare and denied him
ofc he was hurt and a little offended bc were you rejecting him?
hes never been rejected before and he prides himself for that but you just did and continued to do that
so he made it his mission to make you at least feel something for him
like the period part or his random proclamations of his love for you
he did it all
it didnt matter if it would bite him in the ass later because he was impulsive and he wanted you to show yourself being affected with his charms
because he was the FREAKING OIKAWA TOORU
ong this is like his validation that he is still a ladies man and has a charm that couldnt be resisted by anyone
he constantly told you that he loved you to see a reaction from you and he always was touching you whether it was just the shoulder or your hand
oikawa wanted to see you as his own personal cheerleader and you reacting to his affections would really bring him over the moon
this brings us here in the gym today
‘y/n-chan, do you want to go-’
‘oikawa-san, i dont trust you wanting to go on an innocent outing without any hidden intentions’
the team snickered and he pouted, eyes watering and curling at your side
‘y/n-chan, please? oikawa-san really wants to spend time with you~’
he begged and you finally looked up from the notebook and stared at him
god hes been much more annoying lately but you knew it was his way of letting out his anxiousness and nervousness for the incoming interhigh
so you decided to indulge him just this once and made a deal with him
‘the moment you try anything, even remotely romantic or flirty, i will leave’
you bargained but he gasped
‘what?! then what’s the point of-’
‘so you DO have hidden intentions, oikawa-san?’
you raised your eyebrow causing oikawa to quickly shake his head and detach from you
‘fine. none of that stuff, just hanging out, okay?’
he was still fussy but he accepted it
oikawa had a plan to take you to a cafe that just opened up and take you shopping and basically spoil you because girls like that, right?
they fall for boys who give them everything, right?
nope
so i read a study that surprisingly most girls arent into shopping apparently and they prefer to buy something themselves because apparently they feel indebt and dependent on men if they let them spoil them like that
idk about you but i would let oikawa spoil me tho
his plans were completely crushed when you argued with him for nearly 15 minutes to take half of your tab with the food
‘y/n-chan! i invited you out so i should pay! and boys have to pay!’
he complained, holding the other end of the tab envelope thingy but you pulled it back towards you
‘oikawa-san. you should never listen to societal normalities and instead listen and respect my wishes of paying for my half rather than going by the rules of males paying for females’
im sensing a bit of a bokuto and akaashi typa relationship between you two
oikawa shook his head and slightly stood up to lean over the table, his face approaching yours and you were slightly surprised by the sudden closeness causing you to lean back and be focused on getting away so your grip on the tab loosened
he grinned as he snatched it away from your grasp and quickly placed his card into the slot before running up to the cashier
your mouth was slacked and surprise was still written on your face even when he returned and oikawa held up a peace sign to try and lighten up
but your shock morphed into being upset
‘oikawa-san, listen here. you had-’
but he waved you off with a smile
‘no, you listen here, y/n-chan. oikawa-san loves you therefore he will give you everything in the world and all you have to do is sit there and point at whatever you want because my love will bring it to you~!’
you rolled your eyes
‘please stop being like that, oikawa-san. im not your girlfriend so dont act like my boyfriend’
he lightly scoffed, disguising it with a cough
‘y/n-chan, i dont think you understand. oikawa-san is telling you to be his good little girl and sit down. i dont understand why youre being so stubborn’
he growled softly
wHAT iS hE sAYinG
you shook your head in disbelief and stood up collecting your things making the brunette to also stand up in curiosity
‘y/n-chan? youre leaving already? i wanted to go see other places with you! i wanted to take you shopping!’
you halted and looked up at him through your long eyelashes
‘oikawa-san, i’d rather you save your money and rest your injuries instead’
you reasoned but he raised his hands in front of him to signify his wish for you to stop
‘but i want to be with you, y/n-chan’
he whispered and you blinked
‘i dont want you to spend a single dime for me after this. just you and me, oikawa-san, no money, just us’
he nodded eagerly
‘we can go anywhere you want! just,,, stay with me’
then he found himself in a bookstore with you
it was a quaint hole in the wall bookstore that you both found as you walked down the street and you excitedly dragged him inside, hand still laced together
the rows of shelves that contained different worlds in the pages were your serotonin
he watched you excitedly run to the fiction section and browsed through the different spines for anything special to check out
‘y/n-chan, i’ll go use the bathroom really quickly’
you nodded and oikawa kissed your temple before he left towards the restroom
your eyes flitted across the different titles and you snatched a book of poetry
oikawa hurriedly walked over back to you but he didnt find you at the place you were before
so he continued sifting through the mini hallways of shelves and then he stopped
it was so,,, domestic
seeing your bright eyes looking down at the book on your hands and the way your mouth slightly moved with the words
it was such a simple sight yet why did you look so beautiful?
the shimmering eyes that flittered when you came across a sentence you liked
the soft lips that kinda jutted out making his desire to feel it increase that he would give anything to feel on his own
you were so focused that you didnt notice him moving behind you and wrapping his arms around your waist, only noticing his head resting on your shoulder
‘’come, my darling, it is never too late to begin our love again’’
he mumbled to your ear and you released one hand from the book to grasp his arms that were around your middle
‘you read poetry?’
you whispered and oikawa chuckled
‘of course. a man as romantic as I am ought to be a poet’
he reasoned and you laughed
‘yet you fail to sway me, oikawa-san’
‘no, there is a difference. you dont want my love but i know you want to be loved by me, i can assure you!’
you swiftly placed the book back on its former place and you turned around to swing your arms around his neck
‘hmm,,,, love was never something for me. especially with you boys around’
oikawa looked down to see your shorter height and he caressed your hip
‘i love you, y/n, so let me love you the way you deserve to be’
he whispered not understanding the weight of his words and you looked down to hide the growing blush on your face before burying your face into his sweater-clad chest
‘so not fair oikawa-san’
you mumbled against the fabric but he heard it and he bursted into giggles
‘ehh~~ youre not being the fair one, y/n-chan! youre make it so hard to not fall for you when youre so beautiful~!’
he whines and you rested your chin on him so you could look up at him and your pout made him squeeze you tighter
‘hah?! that doesnt make sense! im nothing but a mess of-!’
you started but was cut off when he kissed your nose and whispered:
‘but what a beautiful mess you are’
okay so i know this is the saddest one out of the routes but ive just been serving fluff so the angst is coming soon!!!!!!
once you both were finished in the bookstore, you suggested going to this hill that allowed you to see the stars clearer
‘hmm, oikawa-san, there’s this place that natsu used to take me to whenever he wanted to see the stars so i think you’d like it’
you mentioned while walking on the sidewalk
oikawa’s hand was clutching yours and you were swinging it back and forth while lightly skipping and kicking the rocks
he watched you, amused, at how child-like you were acting right now but he was also touched, knowing your knowledge of his love for space
‘sure!’
the night sky allowed the stars to light up and you both shared giggles and laughs as the two of you stumbled over your feet with no light except from above
however once you made it to the top of the hill, oikawa pulled you close to him as you huddled on a seated position
‘how’d you know i would like this, y/n-chan?’
he asked and you gave him an obvious look
‘hah? its so obvious! you keep drawing the cancer constellation on your skin and you had an astrology book in your bag that you were also reading in the bus’
your answer brought warmth inside him and he never thought you were so perceptive of him
you noticed every little thing he does and hes,,,, never had someone do that before
except for iwa and his family and team, no one knows of his little ticks and the way he becomes obsessive of a topic once he gets interested in it
you noticed it all
‘that right there, its the big dipper!’
you pointed and he followed the direction of your finger before nodding
‘yep! waaahhh its much prettier seeing it higher up than my roof!’
he exclaimed and your gaze left the constellation towards the boy beside you
‘really,, pretty’
you absentmindedly muttered yet he was sharp and heard you
‘but its different to look at something much more beautiful’
this caused you to quickly go back to looking at the stars so you missed his love-filled eyes
‘i want to name my children by constellations. so that they can keep the oikawa legacy going forever like constellations being at the sky for all eternity. or naming it after the sky! then i can make sure theyre never going away’
he said and you nodded
you kept pointing out different shapes and laughing at his funky claims of what some stars connected to and created
‘oikawa-san, lets go to the star festival later’
you offered and he in turn looked away from you, turning red at the way the small lights illuminated your face and somehow making it more,,,, angelic
so he covered it up with his own teasing
‘oh? the meeting of the two lovers?’
you dont know why but your cheeks burned at the mention of the ‘L’ word and oikawa noticed, quickly poking fun of your cheeks
‘oh, y/n-chan, dont be so shy!’
you pouted and turned away
‘never mind’
oikawa’s laugh rang throughout the space and he pulled you closer, practically sitting on his lap, while pointing out the stars and him pressing kisses to your cheeks
the intertwining of your fingers combined with the kisses made you feel as if you were floating with how free you felt
and you loved every moment of it
after that outing with your captain, you were conflicted
it wasnt the first time he’s openly said he loved you and his shower of affections have been there since the very beginning
yet how come you were just now feeling,,,,, different??
you were sure you felt an odd feeling inside you when he said your name with no usual suffix and it wasnt just the food that didnt agree with you
whenever his lips came in contact with your skin, it left blazing trails of red that spread out as far as it could
the heartbeat that quickened once he kissed your forehead at your doorstep and the grin you last saw when you closed the door
or the unknown smile that you didnt know you had on until natsu, who was visiting, pointed it out
‘darling, why are you just standing there? and why are you smiling like that? its weird, stop it’
you didnt even have the attitude to scold him and you giggled before twirling and holding his hand
‘oh, natsu~ i want to dance! and sing!’
you shouted, taking him with you and dancing around the living room
tbh natsu was very worried but he remembered you mentioning that you were meeting some guy today and it might be the reason as to why you were acting like this
he was happy
you deserved to be loved as you are and you were finally getting that love
but,,,,,,,,,
it didnt last long
albeit having a lot of fun, oikawa seemed,,,, off to you
it was,,, awkward
maybe it was because you were now aware of some type of growing attraction inside of you or every little thing he does to you could send you into shapeshifting and channeling your inner tomato
forget potato, youre now a tomato
but even his touches and affections were now limited
restricted
like the the next time you both saw each other, you shyly but happily bounded up to him and greeted him good morning
but his eyes widened, taking a step back before laughing awkwardly
‘ah ha ha, hey y/n-chan’
oikawa greeted then side-stepped to enter the gym
god you felt like you were slapped in the face
you remained frozen, staring at the spot he previously occupied and your mind was running quickly
was it because your senses were now heightened that everything made you extra sensitive?
usually, oikawa would squeal at the fact you were even greeting him this morning but he literally just walked away from you
no, you were just,,,,
overreacting
right?
yea, just,,,
overreacting
iwa noticed your downcast expression and he had a feeling it had something to do with oikawa’s off expression
you hurriedly placed your bag down and took out your notebook to start taking notes for their practice
big boy ace went up to you and placed a hand on your arm which caused you to flinch
he immediately backed off, letting go and stepping back
‘wh-hey? y/n? you okay? did something happen?’
he worriedly asked but you shook your head, not even bothering to meet his eyes
‘uh-yea. mhm, perfectly fine’
you lied and he wanted to press further but mattsun and makki called you over to check out their blocks so you ran to them
but he had a feeling you were just taking every opportunity to not answer his questions
while you were pre-occupied with the meme team, iwa marched up to oiks and tugged him around to fully talk to him
oikawa watched your interaction and he knew iwa would immediately start questioning him too
‘oi, what the hell did you do’
there was an underlying tone in his best friend’s voice that he didnt particularly like
oikawa did what he does best and plastered a smile on his face
‘hm? what do you mean, iwa-chan?’
‘what the hell do you mean what do i mean? you speak japanese dont you? so tell me what the hell happened during your date because it seems like shit happened and now youre both acting weird’
oikawa flinched at the blunt words but it was the truth
he was acting weird and this caused you to probably act weird too
god hes so dumb
but he,,, was going through stuff right now
it was a situation that he didnt want to involve you in
and,,, seeing you dancing with natsu with the biggest smile on your face through the window of your house
okay guys dont think this is weird or stalker-ish bc i actually saw this in a kdrama ages ago and i thought it was just so sweet and cute and dont take it the weird and stalker creepy way :(
it certainly brought him pain
this was what he wanted though, right?
he wanted to see a reaction from you with his antics and he wanted to see you flustered and giggling like one of his lovestruck girls
but dear god that was when he became aware of your growing feelings
oikawa even saw it before you did with the way you gave him those longing stares and small smiles and the small squeezes of his hand when he would laugh
initially, he wouldve teased you for it but then he kept quiet
this entire time he knew you, he felt,,, love,,, for you
and by god, he was so scared
he wanted to run away
because he was well aware of his personality and him as a person
he could make you smile the biggest and the happiest but he was also the type to make you feel the most pain and cause the deepest wounds on your already fragile heart
he didnt want that responsibility and burden
it was too risky
oikawa knew he was a ticking time bomb and he was afraid if you got even just a centimeter closer
you would be the one hit with the blast the most
maybe it was that sight that made him want to distance himself
it was a sight that made him realize that you deserved someone much better and that someone couldn’t be him
the happiness that danced in your eyes and the smile that decorate your beautiful face
can you imagine the irony?
the moment you notice of your growing feelings, the moment he decides to withdraw and pull away
.......
practice was,,, suffocating?
the team knew of the tension these past few days and you both def were not the same
oikawa has not said he loved you or even pestered you once and as much as the guys hated seeing it, they were getting worried
did you both fight?
what happened?
when oikawa was talking with the coach and you were grabbing something from the storage room, they immediately took this chance to pounce on iwaizumi since he was the closest to the both of you
‘oi, iwaizumi, the hell happened?’
makki asked and the others nodded, wondering the same thing
but they were surprised when he shrugged
‘dont know. stupidkawa refuses to talk and i dont want to bother y/n bc she seems,,, weird about it’
if iwaizumi didnt know, then something serious did happen
you and oikawa continued this weird eggshell walking and you even gave up after trying to ask so many times on what was wrong and only to be answered with,
‘nothing~! y/n-chan should never have to worry her pretty little head about old me~!’
that answer didnt bother you
it was his smile
the genuine smile that you were so happy to receive as it was only for you
now seems gone and replaced with his fake one as if you now became one of his fangirls
what took the cake was his appearance to practice with a girl in his arm
they were both laughing and seemed trapped in their own little bubble to even notice the team’s wide eyes and concerned looks to you
you didnt even notice your teary eyes until mattsun quite literally picked you up and shouted he wanted to help you fill up the water bottles
he placed you outside, sitting on a bench by the gym
you were biting your lip and staring at the ground while he was leaning back and looking at the sky
‘the sky is very pretty today’
he complimented but it wasnt heard by you
you only came back to reality when he nudged you gently and you shot him a crooked smile but he sighed at the look of hurt written all over your face
‘oh, y/n, i am getting increasingly worried for our generation. theres so many sad eyes on happy faces’
he tutted and returned to gazing back up to the clouds
you scrunched your nose and scoffed
‘i dont understand you, mattsun-san’
you mumbled and fiddled with your fingers
mattsukawa issei shook his head and pointed above
‘y/n-chan, our eyes enables us to identify beauty and we have the urge to immediately capture it to remember that we did find something beautiful. yet, we feel hopeless as we cant to put the beauty on paper because we are only given one crayon to draw the sunset’
it felt all muddled
there was no sense in his words and you were sniffed, trying to understand
‘mattsun-san, did you eat any more of those candy makki-san bought from that one guy?’
he bursted into laughter and you couldnt help but quirk your lip at the sound of his joy
‘who knows? taka is my boy and i trust him so if he gave it to me, then,,,, it cant be that bad, right?’
you blanched
‘mattsun-san! im not about to go pick you up from the er again just because makki-san dared you to do something!’
mattsun finally wandered his eyes over to you and he tucked a stray piece of hair behind your ear
‘thats the thing with you, y/n-chan. youre quick to love others but you lose pieces of yourself in the process. i have no right to tell you who deserves it but please ask yourself, is that sacrifice worth it?’
you knew he wasnt talking about your love for the team
but for the love for a certain setter that didnt go unnoticed by the middle blocker
leave it to mattsun to make you laugh and you were letting out your last giggles as you stepped into the gym
oikawa stopped talking and focused on the two of you,
more specifically,
you
he watched as you laughed and swatted mattsun’s elbow as he jokingly made fun of your height by resting his arm on top of your head
yes this was what it was supposed to be
you deserved someone who could make you smile and only smile
he doesnt even hesitate but even imagine the tears that would fill those beautiful eyes and he knows it would all be his fault
no
he will stop that from happening way before it would occur
he will do anything to make sure you will never cry because of him so he will distance himself and now, he gives up
it could just be his stress and insecurities talking but he knows right now,
he wants you away from him
oikawa tooru, the boy who could get anyone he wants, couldn’t get the girl he wishes for the most
dear god was it laughable
after practice was finished,
you quietly and quickly packed up the nets and picked up the balls to get yourself out of there
these past few days made you feel so much confusion that it hurts
if there was anything worse than him not talking to you,
it was not knowing why
that curiosity and desperate need for answers creates wild and self-destructive theories
did you chew too loudly when you ate?
were you boring and not as fun as the others?
was he angry and humiliated of his pride as a man when you scolded him for paying for you?
has he gotten tired of you now that he knows who you really are?
that last question suddenly created a new set of tears to appear
throughout the day, you were so composed and distracted yourself with the lectures of your teachers and not anything of why this certain brunette was avoiding you
but a single insecure question made that wall crumble and you hurriedly shoved the trolley of balls into the storage room and grabbed your bag before rushing out of there
you sniffled and hurriedly walked home so you could go and cry on your bed in peace
but ofc
hiroshi natsu exists so ofc he distracted you when you entered the house with a red puffy face
quietly, he led you to the couch and he wordlessly grabbed a tissue box from the coffee table to dab away the tears
you sniffled and clenched your fists to will yourself to stop these dumb salty water drops
‘i cant tell you its going to be okay because i dont want you to cling on to false hope. but i know it hurts. its worse that of all people, oikawa tooru had to be your first ever crush’
he chuckled
you took a shaky breath and wiped your face
‘this was why i shouldnt have liked him. god! all we did was eat dinner and look at the stupid fcking sky! thats it! so why-! why do i suddenly like him?! AM I THAT DESPERATE?!’
you wailed and blew your nose while natsu patted your back
‘i mean,,, to others it sounds like youre easy to sway’
you looked up from the tissue to glare at him but he continued
‘but to me,,,, it sounds like it was just the last push you needed to finally see oikawa tooru in that way’
you nodded, laughing weakly
‘i dont know why im acting like a lunatic like this. hes just a crush anyway so it’ll probably fade in a day or two so bear with me until then, kay?’
but his grim shake of his head gave you no hope
‘rather than fade, it will grow. and i might have to bear with this for the rest of our lives. now you be a bad bitch and sit there and look fine as hell while i go order 10 boxes of pizza and load up teen moms’
the impromptu movie night distracted you a little bit from it all but you still couldn’t help but think about it
GOD WHY WAS NATSU SO DRAMATIC?!
BECAUSE OF THAT IDIOT YOU ARE NOW SITTING IN CLASS, BAGS UNDER YOUR EYES, AND BREAKING YOUR PENCILS IN HALF
all you have to do is make sure you think of oikawa doing something disgusting to make that attraction fade away
oikawa licking his toes
oikawa licking his toes
oikawa licking his toes
oikawa licking his-
‘y/n?’
you snapped out of your daydream when kunimi reached out to you
kindaichi, who came over for lunch, and him were staring at you in concern and they shared a look
‘y/n, something must’ve happened that day with captain’
kunimi started but kindaichi snapped
‘see?! this is why we shouldve never let you go! the first time you go with him and now youre a mess! tell us! did he force himself on you?! did he-?!’
you stopped the onion top boy with a forced smile and a squeeze on the arm
‘o-oikawa-san would never do that, kindaichi. hes better than that’
‘but clearly not because look at you!’
he shouted and you flinched
kunimi hurriedly knocked him to the floor
‘get ahold of yourself, kindaichi’
he mumbled and you stood up and walked to the bathroom at the west wing that nobody uses so you could freely cry without any suspicion
was it obvious?
was it clear that you have been a mess after a week of being ignored by oikawa?
nah, youre just being a dramatic little shit
youre sticking to your word of quickly forgetting about the whole ordeal
but you definitely cant if your nightmare was happening before your eyes
as you approached the bathroom from the end of the hallway,
you saw an unknown girl but an all too familiar boy giggling and rushing to get inside the bathroom
and for good measure, oikawa looked around to make sure no one was there but then he saw you
despite the distance between you, he could see your glistening eyes from the sunlight that seeped in from the big windows
he saw the way your hand trembled and your eyes twitched when haruna poked her head out to see why he was still outside
‘oikawa-senpai~~’
she drawled out and reached a manicured nail to his wrist
your eyes followed her touch and then you and the boy shared eye contact
through the watery eyes, he could clearly make out your silent plead
please dont go to her
please
stay with me
dont go
but he went in anyways
------
that was the moment you forced yourself to not think about him anymore
as if you werent even working your hardest lately, you will work your hardest now
everything between you and him was now strictly professional as practice that day signified the very first day of your moving on stage
you couldnt believe these past 2 weeks has been a real nightmare yet you were slowly waking up from it
there was nothing you could do about it bc oikawa obviously didnt mean anything he said to you and maybe thats what ticked you off the most
you were easily led on
he blindly tugged you along the moment you saw his smile
he definitely thought of you as just as a game and when he finally got tired and bored, he dropped you and went to another
kunimi and kindaichi noticed the coldness of your eyes and the stoic expression on your face and they were genuinely terrified of you so they didnt want to ask any questions
even with packing up, you aggeressively shoved everything in your bag and the blep boy finally gained the courage and nervously tapped his finger on your desk to gain your attention
you swiftly dropped in your pencil case and looked at him
‘what’
he flinched at the cold tone and his eyes showed concern
‘uh-i-are you okay?’
he slowly asked and you visibly clenched your jaw but you nodded anyways
‘never better’
you didnt bother waiting for him to finish packing up and even passed kindaichi by the door as you were walking towards the girl’s locker room to change into your manager outfit
your entrance to the gym made the noise die down and you noticed the third years with glares on and aggressively practicing
‘whats wrong with all of you’
you asked and iwa scoffed before shaking his head and opening his arm
‘cmere. i missed you’
he said and ngl you were a little confused bc this wasnt something iwa usually did but you still stuck to his side
‘why-’
‘he told me what happened’
iwa whispered and you stiffened in his arms
‘w-what?’
iwaizumi flung the boy to his own bedroom wall
he huffed, panting at both the weight of oikawa tooru and the intense anger that burned through his veins
‘you-you are a piece of shit!’
he shouted and he moved to grab oikawa’s collar and lifted him so the brunette could see the fire and disgust present in his olive eyes
‘you think i didnt see what the hell you did? fcking leaving y/n sobbing as you-you-! AGH!’
iwaizumi couldnt even finish his sentence as he was so angry that he harshly sent oikawa flying back down to his floor
oikawa was crying
not from the beating
but from his regrets
god he knew he messed up
he shouldnt have done it
but he did
iwa ran his hands through his hair and angrily sat on his best friend’s bed, eyes shooting daggers at oikawa
‘right now. tell me the truth right fcking now or so help me god’
he hissed
oikawa tooru shuffled closer to the wall and brought his knees up to his chest
‘im so scared’
he sobbed
‘im so scared, iwa-chan’
his tears were pouring down and he brought a hand to muffle his cries
‘i-i just w-wanted to-to see something out of her. li-like a reaction! because she wasnt like th-the others! but instead i fell in love! me! and she did too!’
he pointed and quickly stood up, pacing and gripping his hair
‘it was all just for fun! she-she knows im like that! yet she still fell in love with me!’
‘how could you tell she-’
‘BECAUSE OF HER EYES!’
even iwa flinched
‘HER EYES SHOWED ME LOVE! HAPPINESS! AN-AND YOU KNOW WHAT SHE DID?! WHEN SHE GOT HOME?! THROUGH HER WINDOW, I SAW HER DANCING! SO HAPPY SHE WAS DRAGGING THAT BASTARD COUSIN OF HERS AROUND! I DID THAT! I CAUSED THAT!’
there was so much confusion in this poor spiky haired boy bc he knew oikawa was in love with their manager so why is he avoiding her now even though she reciprocates those feelings?
‘im missing something here, oikawa. youre telling me, she loves you, but youre here regretting that?’
his tone of disbelief made oikawa shut his eyes in frustration
‘DONT YOU UNDERSTAND?! YOU CALL ME A PIECE OF SHIT EVERYDAY AND I KNOW THAT! I FCKING KNOW THAT IM A PIECE OF SHIT AND A FCKING BASTARD!’
he shrieked
thankfully, his family wasnt home currently to see him breakdown
‘SO WHY THE HELL DO I DESERVE A LITERAL ANGEL?! A GODDESS?! A BEAUTIFUL PERSON FOR ME?! A FCKED UP NARCISSIST EGOTISTICAL IDIOT?! AN IDIOT WHO’S TOO PRIDEFUL TO GET THE HELP HE NEEDS?! I COULD HURT HER! I COULD DESTROY HER IN A SINGLE SNAP! THE SCARIEST FACT IS I COULD DO IT WITHOUT THINKING! I COULD SAY THE WORST THINGS TO HER AND IM SO SCARED THAT I WILL HURT HER! I DONT DESERVE HER, IWA! SHE DESERVES SOME-SOMEONE LIKE YOU! AND IT HURTS TO THINK THAT BUT I DONT CARE! A-AND WHAT IF WE GET TOGETHER?! HM?! HOW LONG DO YOU THINK IT WOULD TAKE HER TILL SHE FINDS SOMEONE BETTER?! HOW MUCH CAN SHE TAKE OF GOING THROUGH EPISODES OF SOME DEPRESSED, INSECURE, PRIDEFUL ASHOLE LIKE ME?! HOW LONG DO YOU THINK SHE WOULD REALIZE HER SELF-WORTH AND KNOW HOW MUCH OF A SHITTY PERSON I AM?! I CANT-!’
iwaizumi pushed himself up from the bed and rushed to grab his best friend before forcing the brown haired boy to his chest
oikawa tooru was having a panic attack
he heaved and wheezed and loudly let out his cries and iwa made them sit on the floor where he could comfortably cry
‘youre such an idiot, tooru. but she knows that, doesn’t she? she knows who you are, what you are, how you are, your flaws, everything- she knows all that. yet she still fell for you, doesnt that tell you something? for once in your life, consider other people’s feelings before yours. y/n is one hell of a girl and i wont allow you to let her slip past you just like that. i know- we all know- how much of a broken person you are, oikawa, and it hurts us all to know that no matter what we do, we can never fix you. but y/n-gosh, y/n is the only person to even have a chance to do that. and you admitted that youre depressed and you have a problem? well,, get some help for that, oikawa. the first step to be better is by accepting the only person who can accept you for you’
iwaizumi didnt reveal to the other third years of what happened but just said that oikawa did a really terrible thing to you and hes currently repenting for it
however mattsun and makki pretended they didnt hear oikawa regretting it and focused on the fact that the captain even had the NERVE to hurt you
iwa squeezed you tightly and you returned the hug
but he whispered something in your ear
‘everyone makes mistakes, y/n. the only thing we can do is to repent for them’
you pulled away, about to ask him what hes talking about but one look from his eyes made you realize what he was talking about
he mustve known what happened but hes defending him
you clenched your jaw and looked away
‘i destroyed myself for a stupid reason and its one of my regrets. im not going to make the same mistake twice’
you quietly hissed and moved to your station by the bench to begin taking your notes
you noticed that oikawa was late for practice today and although you kinda hate him, you are still a manager first and he was one of your responsibilities
you were about to go to the coach and tell him you’d look for the setter when the gym door slid and in came the devil himself
but there was a large bruise on his cheek and a cut on his lip
your feet moved quicker than the rest of you that you were in front of him in a second
‘what happened to you’
you worriedly asked and oikawa just stared at you
his eyes shook and watered at the sight of you
this was the first time you talked to him without any coldness in your tone and he missed it
he missed hearing you
his silence made you roll your eyes and you roughly grabbed his arm before throwing him on the bench you were sitting on
the team watched, on edge of whats happening, but was put back to practice when you gave them a side-eye
your fingers opened the ointment and your kit to treat the bleeding lip and the swollen side of his face
‘youre the captain. its not wise to fight before practice and be late. youre hindering everyone else’
you coldly scolded and oikawa shrank back
‘it was iwa-chan’
he mumbled and you stopped and quirked an eyebrow
‘what? why did he-’
then you froze
iwa knew
and he beat oikawa up for it
he fought his best friend for it
and iwa didnt look fazed at all
despite being a muscle freak, iwa was very soft and his iron defiency made him prone to bruising
yet why was he so clean
it was like iwa hit oikawa but in turn, the other didnt fight back
no
you must stop
youre overthinking again and youre over analyzing it and youll end up at the place you were before
however
oikawa noticed the dawn of realization on your face and he shakily reached out to touch your hand
‘i,,, didnt. because i deserved it. i-’
he sniffed and you knew he would start crying right now
the last thing he wanted would be to cry in front of the others so you immediately stood up and went to the coach
‘coach, oikawa-san needs treatment that i dont currently have with me. i would need to take him to the infirmary’
he nodded and waved you off so you had the clear
oikawa flinched when you harshly grabbed his arm and pulled him up so he could follow you out the door
it was such an awkward silence between you both but you bit your lip, focusing on the fact that you were just doing this bc he was your obligation
it was like you threw him to one of the cots then you rummaged through the medicine cabinet for an extra cotton ball and a better ointment
‘i fcked up, y/n’
your movements halted and your eyes drifted down, looking at the tiled floor
‘i messed up so bad’
he hoarsely said and you could tell how much pain he was going through by the way he let out a shaky breath
‘oika-’
you made a move to turn around but he stopped you
‘no! dont look at me! just-just dont,,, i cant-i wont be able to say it if i look at you’
he cried and you nodded
oikawa leaned his forehead on his intertwined hands with his eyes on the floor before starting
‘i want to say im sorry. because everything, all of this, it all started as a game to me’
you closed your eyes tightly, tears welling up in your eyes
‘you,,, you didnt bat a single eyelash at me. you didnt try to please me, you didnt chase after me, no, you didnt see me like that. it made me,,, i dont know,,, confused,,, that girls like you even existed. it,,, not gonna lie, ticked me off and i was offended that you brushed me away so easily like i was some,, some bug on your shoulder. so,,, i wanted to see,,, and try,,, if i could make you,,, like me. and i know! i know its messed up but god y/n i swear i didnt want to hurt you. i just,,, i wanted to see if i could ever make you look at me like the way they did but it backfired. i wanted you to chase me but in the end, i ended up chasing after you. i chased and i ran without knowing that you were slowing down for me so i could catch you. that,,, that date made me realize of how,,, how perfect and beautiful you are a-and how unworthy i am to even receive anything from you. i saw how happy you were after that, dancing, twirling that poor idiot around. at first,, it made me so so proud. and so happy that i made you do that. i put those stars from the sky into your eyes and somehow you made them shine much brighter. then,,,, i got scared. i started thinking about,,, about me. and how i am. ive been trying so hard to please other people that ive lost sight of the real me and how terrible i am. and y-you! i just- y/n its so hard for me to explain all this right now- my current mental state, the pain on my face- i cant,,, but at that moment i realized that you,,, you were better off without me. youre so kind, so beautiful, so smart, you could go do so many good things in life. and im just going to hold you back. i didnt want to hurt you so i,,, chose to just cut the string now and,, we wont get hurt later. but,,, i regret it. i regret it so much, y/n. all my life,,, everyone cooed and awed at this child just because of how he looked like and,,, he got used to it. everyone wanted me because i am oikawa tooru but they didnt want the entire oikawa tooru. iwa,,, iwa hit it into my head that,,, you,, were the only one who bothered to even see that side of me’
when he finished, he looked up but gasped at the sight of you standing in front of him
fat tears were rolling down your face and you wore the angriest expression
‘i-,,,i hate you so much, oikawa tooru’
you seethed
your eyebrows were scrunched up together and your nostrils flared as you cried harder and you let out a cry
‘i hate you, i hate you, i hate you’
you chanted and oikawa saw his vision cracking
his world was now falling apart
he did the last thing he would ever do and you were now at your most pained moment
‘youre so selfish, impulsive, and terrible’
you whined and punched his shoulder at each word
‘but i love you so much. i hate you because you made me cry and made me feel so hurt but i still love you. why-why cant you stop playing your games, tooru? stop playing with me now! stop it! stop-!’
you didnt get to say anything else because he grabbed your waist and held you in his arms
it was like you didnt even weigh a thing by the way he lifted you to sit on his lap and he gently led your face to his neck
‘im so sorry’
he repeated constantly while brushing your hair and rubbing your waist
you and oikawa tooru spent an hour sitting on that bed just crying
after a while, you stopped and resulted to just hiccuping
‘youre selfish, tooru. you listened to yourself and did whatever you wanted rather than talking to me. i hate you but i,,, i love you, oikawa-san. i shouldnt say that but if i dont, im afraid you’ll go ahead and do something stupid again’
he chuckled but he squeezed you tighter
‘i dont,,, want to let you go, y/n-chan. let me be selfish a little longer and love you all to myself’
and by god did he become selfish
it took you a while to get over your defensive and guarded actions from him but you were slowly finding yourself forgiving him
YO IM SORRY BUT I WOULDVE DROPPED HIM LIKE PLEASE WHAT THE HECK Y/N REALLY REALLY LOVES THIS GUY
natsu absolutely despises him still and whenever oikawa even comes over, hes always glaring at him and oikawa would shift uncomfortably but accept it bc he deserved it
‘i didnt realize how badly i hurt you, y/n. i could never imagine you accepting me still. ill spend the rest of my life making it up to you’
he promised and you laughed
you were both lounging on your bedroom floor, mean girls playing in the background, while just staring at the ceiling
you brought your clasped hands up so you could look at it
then a goofy smile settled on your face and you turned to look at him
‘just continue loving me, oikawa-san. thats all i ask for’
then graduation came
of course the boys were all teary but oikawa seemed even more sad and he refused to look at you the whole day
you figured it could just be him being mopey over not seeing you everyday like he was able to before
then you both were walking home and he still hasnt looked at you
the silence was killing you but you just kept a tight grip on his hand and he would smile at you and kiss your hands
it still didnt wash away the odd feeling in your stomach but you would talk to him later after you gave him present
for the weekend, you were able to convince your parents to go on a beach trip at okinawa while you made natsu go over to tokyo and stay with katsuki
oikawa didnt know your family was out so he stood by your door, waiting for you to enter
you both stood there, staring at the floor, not knowing what to say
until you softly grabbed his hand
‘come in. i want,,, to talk’
you mumbled and oikawa’s eyes widened, silently panicking that you possibly found out
it was a secret not even iwaizumi knew so you couldnt have known
right?
you led him up to your room and pushed him down to sit on your bed
FLKDSJFLKDJ WHY AM I DOING THIS WHAT IS HAPPENING SOSOSOSOSOSOSOS
ALSO Y/N IS NOW 17 ON THIS YOU GUYS LIKE BLS SHES ONE OF THE OLDEST IN HER CLASS BC HER BIRTHDAY SITUATION SO SHES BEYOND THE AGE OF CONSENT IN JAPAN, RIGHT?
oikawa was confused and he watched you bite your lip and look off to the side
‘y/n-chan? why are you nervous? you said you wanted to talk?’
he asked
but you unzipped your skirt and let it drop on the floor
‘for graduating,,, and working hard for these years,,, im giving you this’
you finally met his eyes
then he knew
oikawa blanched and he quickly stood up and placed his hands on your shoulder
‘y-y/n! uh-i-are you sure? a-arent you-’
‘accept it, tooru. youre,,, my first love,,, so,,,, ill give you my other first’
KSDLFJSDKFJSDLK OKAY YALL LETS STOP THERE FOR NOW AND GO TO THE TIMESKIP OKAY?
OKAY
-----
oikawa was running in the airport
despite the shouts of civilians he accidentally pushed, he made no sign of stopping and if anything, ran faster till he reached outside
the rush of his sudden trip home was clear as he was only carrying a duffel bag full of clothing he hurriedly stuffed inside
when he met the orange ninja boy in brazil, he quickly caught up with his underclassman and got drinks to talk about japan the last 2 years of his career
they both got simple beers and some appetizer to share as they reminisced the past
hinata was excitedly talking about the reconciliation of kindaichi and kageyama and how they were still enemies on court but were now friends
‘eh~? tobio-chan making up with kin-chan? what’s next? flying sushi?’
he joked and hinata laughed
‘it was partly of your manager, oikawa-san! she helped them make up!’
the previous smile on oikawa’s face slipped at the mention of you
‘hmm,,,, she always made the impossible happen’
he mumbled and hinata nodded
‘l/n-chan became close to kageyama through kindaichi and kunimi and she would bring us food and stuff too! but only on times she wasn’t busy’
the ninja said and dipped his chip into the salsa while oikawa stared at the liquid
‘you guys must be special for her to go all the way to karasuno’
then hinata said something that caused the brunette’s ears to fall deaf to the loudness of the bar
‘it wasn’t a problem since coach ukai took care of her son’
oikawa didnt even give hinata another word when he rushed out of that bar after overcoming his shock and straight into his apartment
there were tears that blurred his vision as he shoved in shirts and pants and other necessities for a trip to japan
he argued with the front desk lady to give him a ticket to the earliest flight to japan despite her saying that it was hard to give him a seat when the plane was full
but luck seemed to pity this baby daddy as someone pulled their ticket out and he was able to take it for himself
it was the longest journey of his life and his hour long layover gave him an opportunity to call the only person he thought would even know where you were
iwaizumi
oikawa paced at the waiting lobby with his phone pressed to his ear as he listened to the ringing of his call
he bit his lip in anticipation and ran his fingers through his hair for the upteenth time until finally it was picked up
‘damn you, shittykawa, do you understand what time-’
‘iwaizumi, is y/n still in japan?’
of course his best friend was startled with the question as the setter hasnt asked him any question related to you in a few years
‘wha-how the hell am i supposed to know that? im in california, oikawa’
‘dont lie to me. she still talks to you since youre probably the godfather of my son’
he hissed and iwaizumi was now fully awake and his heartbeat was beating quite quickly
how did he figure out
‘oi, oikawa, listen to me she-’
‘please! dont!’
he shouted and didnt care if he startled anyone else around him
‘dont lie to me! of all people! you dont lie to me!’
‘why should i tell you when you were the one who up and ran? huh?’
oikawa fell silent and iwaizumi could hear his sobs through the phone
iwa sat up on his bed, leaning against the wall as he contemplated revealing this secret you begged him to keep since his best friend sounded like he was on the verge of breaking apart
poor oikawa tooru already suffered so much
‘i swear youre going to make me regret this. but y/n is in,,,, tokyo and,,,,, she,,,,,, didnt want you to know about,,,, about everything. well-she did want to tell you but she had her own reasons not to and,,, and its perfectly valid for her to choose whatever she wanted. and yes, i knew and yes, i am his godfather but please, oikawa, whatever you do, dont go to japan, you understand? shes still hurt by it, idiot, and shes angry and you sound angry and-’
but of course,
oikawa didnt listen and he hung up but continued his pacing but this time, tears blurring his vision
the taxi driver noticed his frazzled expression and quickly stopped in front of him
oikawa gratefully hopped in and quickly told the driver the address he forced out of iwaizumi (with great reluctance)
‘this is the last time, understand me, tooru? youve already hurt her so many times and i cant bear to see it all over again so you need to fix it. but you mess this up again, not only will you lose her, you’ll lose me too’
the old man felt sorry for the young lad and stepped on the pedal to get him to his destination in the quickest time
the apartment building was several stories tall yet the elevator ride felt like a snap when he finally arrived at the floor your apartment was supposedly on
what the real kicker was when he stood outside your door and he hesitated
would you let him in?
would you even want to see him?
would you punch him?
would you cry?
he was so worried but didnt realize that he already pushed the doorbell and a faint shout from inside made his heart jump
‘UNCLE KYOOoooo,,,,,’
the door opened and the boy’s voice went quiet, knowing this wasnt the man he was expecting and he quickly and harshly slammed the door shut to his face
oikawa was stunned
was this the right apartment?
did iwaizumi trick him?
but those thoughts were wiped away when the door opened again and a girl was softly chiding the boy before turning around with a smile to greet the person but then it fell
similar to her son, she slammed the door shut and oikawa panicked
‘y-y/n? h-hey!’
he exclaimed and with a clenched fist, he stood there
you were hyperventilating inside
how did he find you?
why is he here?
does he know?
‘mama? who’s that oji?’
the bright eyes of yozora looked up at you and you blinked, briefly seeing the man behind the door at the face of your son
you sucked in a deep breath before smiling lightly
‘yoyo-kun, can you go play with dino-kun while mama and oji talk?’
yozora blinked back up at you before shrugging and nodding and running off to your shared room
once he was gone, you quickly composed yourself and opened the door again, shocked to see oikawa already half-way down the hallway to the elevator
‘would you like some tea before you go?’
you called out and he stopped, almost giving himself whiplash at how fast he turned his head
it was like his instincts took over when your voice started speaking to him
as if he was 18 again, oikawa found himself trailing after your voice and you nervously led him inside
his eyes were moving really fast as if he wanted to quickly soak it all in before it would disappear
this was where you lived
with your son
who was his son too
there was a picture by the door of you and the little boy from earlier
it was at the planetarium nearby and tooru’s heart bloomed at the sparkle in that child’s eyes
jesus, he was beautiful
‘yozora. thats his name’
you said, noticing him staring at the picture
KDFLJSDKFSD PRINCE NOCTIS LUCIS CAELUM BABIESSS!!!
‘night sky’
oikawa whispered
the teapot was still hot and you were able to pour him a cup so you both sat on the dining table where he sat across from you
‘n-nice place’
he stuttered out
you nodded, tracing the rim of your own cup
‘its natsu’s and katsuki’s actually. my parents kicked me out so they offered to let me stay with them’
you reasoned, not meaning to sound cold but it came out as if you were being passive agressive
‘o-oh? ho-how is he-’
‘oikawa-san, what are you doing here?’
he visibly flinched
calling him by his last name stung since you called him ‘tooru’ the whole relationship so returning to his surname is your way of cutting off the whole thing
‘i,,, i found out. a few days ago. from shoyo. he told me their coach looked after yozora and,,, i knew he is,,, mine’
you let out a humorless chuckle
a scoff
then you looked up to meet his gaze, oikawa gulping at the hardness in your eyes
‘what makes you think so? what makes you think that i wasnt angry and spiteful enough to give myself to someone else so they could have what the great oikawa tooru had? what makes you think that i would remain loyal to you despite you just running off to the other side of the fcking world without a word? hm? oikawa-san? what.makes.you.think.so?’
out of guilt, he broke the stare to his own steaming cup of green tea
‘nothing’
you whispered
he shakingly sighed and you could tell he was about to cry
but you rolled your eyes and crossed your arms
‘go ahead and cry, oikawa-san. im used to temper tantrums. i have a son for god’s sake’
‘you would never do that to me, y/n. you promised that you would always love me and only me and i know you take promises to your grave’
he reasoned but it sounded like it was him convincing himself
the dry laugh you let out made him fidget
‘and you promised that you would always talk to me and communicate. yours is a much lighter and easier promise than mine yet you get to break it and i can’t? no, oikawa-san. to me, its like that year never even happened’
you were now just trying to rile him up due to your anger towards him
you shouldve let him walk to the elevator and leave and never come back
but you still invited him in anyways
oikawa snapped his head up
‘you cant say that or mean it, y/n. that boy over there, hes a reminder of me. he looks exactly like me so you cant ever forget what we have’
‘what he had. it was simply the past, years ago, and everything has changed since then. dont you dare try to dig up buried secrets, oikawa’
‘but why did you keep him from me?’
he pleaded, desperate for any answer as to why
‘i had every right. the moment you boarded that plane, he no longer was yours. you left, i stayed, and you cant just come back here and-’
‘mama?’
a small voice from the corner halted your loud voice and you and tooru looked at him
oikawa yozora was exactly like his father
from his loud and obnoxious personality to even the brown hair and brown eyes
KFDSLJFKDS REMEMBER THAT KID FROM OLD UKAI’S VOLLEYBALL CLUB?! THATS WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE!!
he looked absolutely nothing like you and people even get confused when you say hes your son
um maam i think hes my son since he came out of me
so oikawa was right
yozora was your daily reminder of the mistakes of your youth but he was anything but that as he is the greatest thing to ever happen to you
yozora became your light when you fell into depression after oikawa ran away
sure, your parents absolutely loathed poor child as he is a child of a child
but you kept him because he means the world to you
and the world he holds are in his eyes
‘i,, i heard yelling,,, and,,, thought mama and oji were sad,,, so,,, i bring my,,, star book because,,, it makes me happy,,, and i think,,, mama and oji will,,, be happy too’
he mumbled out and you smiled at him before moving to go to him but oikawa stopped you
his eyes begged you and you glared at him, deciding to withdraw
if he decides to do anything, you could always knee him between the legs
he slowly approached yozo and kneeled down to reach eye-level
‘hello, my name is oikawa tooru’
he softly introduced himself and yozora just stared at him
‘you oikawa too? but i oikawa! mama is he me?!’
yozora shouted and you giggled, running to take him into your arms
‘oh, darling, how curious you are. oji isnt you, baby. he just,,, has the same last name as you. like mama has hers but you have,,, oji’s’
your eyes drifted to oikawa but he remained on the floor, staring at the spot where yozo stood on
you kept his last name
you listened to him from that night at the hill by naming his son after the night sky
my god, you are so,,,
‘--the book. oji? do you?’
he was brought back to reality when your son was now back on the floor and poking his shoulder
tooru blinked and looked at him
‘huh?’
‘i ask if you want to read my book with me, oji. mama say she happy but you still sad so my book make you happy’
not even an hour of meeting him, oikawa tooru already loves him
the volleyball player nodded and yozora offered a tiny hand to which he accepted
‘this way. mama say to read so she make food. i like food, do you like food, oji? i like food. i like milk bread. mama say papa like it so i like what papa like. i want papa to come home. sit there’
tooru’s heart beat faster every word his child uttered and it even went faster when he saw yozo struggle to get up on the couch
the pair of big hands that brought him on the cushion made him happily sigh then uttered a small ‘thank you’
‘my mama say that my papa give me my book and say to take care of it until he come back. and she say he come back when im a master of space! so i study and read my book every day and know all so papa can hurry home!’
tooru didnt even notice tears falling down his face until yozo blinked up at him with his small hands grasping his cheeks to wipe it off
‘why you cry, oji? no sad! no sad! here! i read my book so you not cry’
he babbled and quickly pried the book open and read out the words on the page, not realizing he was saying most of it wrong
that book was oikawa’s
the book that he read all the time in the bus and now, it was passed on to his son
you leaned against the wall and gasped at the sight of yozo just babbling and oikawa crying
‘yoyo-kun? what did you do to tooru?’
you fussed and sat down next to oikawa
yozo worriedly looked at him and now his own eyes were watering and soon enough, you have 2 boys crying in your living room
GURL IM SORRY BUT I WOULDA KICKED OUT OIKAWA LIKE NOT EVEN OFFER HIM TEA OR ANYTHING IM SORRY IM TIRED AND IDK WHATS GOING ON
‘a-ah, y-yozo! yozo-kun! oji is,,, just,,, uh,, sad because,, because pluto isnt a planet anymore!’
yozo sniffled and he went closer to oikawa
‘me too, oji. yoyo sad too because pluto is just small. other planet are onii-chan and onee-chan but pluto is baby so they not like him’
he rambled and oikawa pulled him closer
‘mama, can we keep oji? nana-san and katsu-san will like him! promise!’
you couldnt even believe what was going on right now
not only did your baby daddy ex-boyfriend suddenly pop up, your son was now wanting to keep him
you made a move to of course deny his request but oikawa opened his mouth first
‘yozora-kun, of course you could keep me. im your papa, after all’
OKAY THAT WAS IT
YOU DID NOT WANT HIM TO SAY THAT TO YOZORA
out of shock, you slapped him across the face
causing yanno what happened
oikawa screamed
a/n: yoooooo SO LIKE THIS IS RIDICULOUS LIKE THIS IS BOOTY IM SORRY BUT THIS IS ALSO IN MY GOING TO EDIT LIST AND I CHOSE THIS OUT OF MY 10 OTHER VERSIONS OF THIS ROUTE AND I MAY OR MAY NOT RELEASE ANOTHER ONE JUST TO MAKE UP FOR IT. but try not to let this flop 🥺 👉👈
ALSO CHI THAT K+Y AND THE T+Y IS ON THE WORKS RN AND IM LIKE HALF WAY DONE SO I MIGHT RELEASE THEM BOTH AT THE SAME TIME
#haikyuu#haikyuu!!#haikyuu imagines#haikyuu!! imagines#haikyuu x reader#haikyuu!! x reader#haikyuu headcanons#haikyuu!! headcanons#aoba johsai#aoba johsai x reader#aoba josai x reader#aoba josai#seijoh#aoba johsai imagines#aoba josai imagines#seijoh imagines#seijoh manager#haikyuu manager#haikyuu!! manager#aoba johsai manager#aoba josai manager#seijoh x reader#aoba johsai headcanons#aoba josai headcanons#seijoh headcanons#haikyuu fluff#haikyuu!! fluff#aoba johsai fluff#aoba josai fluff#seijoh fluff
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thanks!!! @melonatures for tagging me in 5 books i want to read this year, omg that’s hard
1. jonathan strange & mr norrell, basically piranesi was the most! amazing thing I've read last year, it made me think about my own loneliness, it helped me get thru a very difficult moment and i was so charmed by clarke’s writing i convinced myself to read her first novel, which is about wizards??? idk. i’m not much of a fantasy gal, but the pandemic made me read hp so anything can happen at this point. also, the book is almost 1k pages so it would be good if i did this before my semester at uni starts and my last year eats me alive or something.
2. the city we became, so i’m trying to be someone who reads more than just adults being sad (which is my go-to genre in everything tbh), and i bought this book last year after everyone said it was amazing. it’s urban fantasy??? there’s a character that is Paulo (São Paulo!! amazing) and idk it sounds fun and just different. Apparently, the cities are alive and they’re people and shit happens? Well. I’ll know once i read it.
3. ghosts, i can't possibly go thru my sally rooney era and not read about a sad 30yo woman dealing with her breakup, right? idk, it just feels like the type of book that is pretty much about nothing but sad white girl, which is honestly something i like to read when i want to think about my life and feel a bit better about >myself< lol. (the only reason i haven't read it so far is that i can't find a legal copy of it on scribd, and the kindle version is way too expensive and there’s a pt-pt kindle version but also... reading in pt-pt is weird).
4. before the coffee gets cold, it’s about sad people but they’re japanese and there’s a time-traveling element to it and it has like jdrama healing vibes, you know? i have it on scribd and i look at it every other day but the truth is i never know what i’m going to read. but this one i have friends that enjoyed and i should read any other japanese author that isn't murakami (nothing against him is just that ive only read his books so far lmao).
5. babel, it’s from poppy war’s author (a book i wont ever read but everyone loves) and it’s like dark academia but with diversity but it feels like it actually has something to say and i’m very intrigued by the plot. i’ll probably buy the eng. version once the book is out, and i’m very excited to read it. i confess i dont like the dark academia aesthetics (i dont like the concept of devoting ones life to an aesthetic, especially an elitist one... and also how like it seems those people failed to *get* what the secret history is all about) but ive read if we were villains past november and it wrecked me and i’m a sucker for stories about a group of deranged friends and crimes. and in this case it feels like the author has a lot to say, so, excited!
also cheating but i should read anything by a brazilian author just bc i dont think ive read anything written prior to 2000s last year and I love br literature, so i must read something. probably guimarães rosa. and i need to finish this book im reading about gays in the xix century. and i want to read more essays too, i’m reading some didion this week and i like it a lot. other than that i know i’ll be reading a lot of psychology-related stuff so in my free time i tend to read for fun, so fiction and poetry is what i love the most.
well, i talk too much but this was fun!! thank you <3i’m tagging: @rughydrangea @rain-hat @damn-salvatore @tinytrashqueen
#'my sally rooney era' but conversation with friends is not as good as beautiful world ngl#im almost finishing it tho#i wont ever read normal people bc i know i wont like it
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