By: Suzanne Moore

Published: Apr 9, 2024

The alarm bells have been ringing for some time, but now the entire narrative around adolescent gender dysphoria is breaking apart

I remember as a teenager reading about a strange disorder called anorexia. I had never heard of it – and then I noticed one of my best friends cleaning her teeth several times a day and exercising manically. And it wasn’t just her that was acting weirdly. Several girls I knew were clearly suffering. Then came bulimia, which turned the school loos into sad places in which certain girls spent worrying amounts of time.

Then, as a mother of daughters, I remember reading about an epidemic of cutting among teenagers. Surely this highly unusual behaviour was not rampant? Well, the internet told me it was and an NHS psychiatrist informed me about self-harm circles in certain schools. 

These thoughts occur because I am trying to understand how we started talking of “trans children” and thought this was somehow some kind of “progress”. This, after all, is a new phenomenon. In 2010, for instance, with the Equality Act, which made gender reassignment a protected characteristic, the intention was surely to avoid discrimination against adult transsexuals. This is a laudable aim, but no one was talking about children then. The phrase “gender dysphoria” was not bandied about. It was rare to come across a child who had such severe gender issues they needed specialist services. Indeed, in that year, only 75 children were referred to Gids (the NHS’s Gender Identity Development Service, based at the Tavistock Centre in north-west London). By 2021 it was 5,000.

Now we are in a situation where celebrities wear T-shirts saying Protect Trans Kids and where schools, even primary schools, are colluding with the idea that children are whatever they say they are, that their bodies are somehow wrong and that they can change their names without parental consent.

The alarm bells have been ringing for some time about Gids. What was most alarming was this sudden spike in girls presenting with gender dysphoria and the increasing evidence of the harms of puberty blockers.

When Dr Hilary Cass was commissioned to report on standards of care within the NHS, it was as if finally an adult had stepped into the room. She and her team have looked at the evidence and practices that had recently evolved the affirmative model (designed to support and affirm an individual’s gender identity) and found much wanting. She also signalled the high levels of comorbidities with gender dysphoria. A high proportion of these girls who did not want to be girls were autistic. Many had troubled childhoods or had been in care. Many were gay. All of this resulted in the unravelling of Gids and a ban on puberty blockers.

In the full report, which is due to be published this week, Cass is not only concerned with medical intervention (puberty blockers, cross-sex hormones, surgery) but is also expected to come out against “social transition”. Though this is not something that happens within the health service, it is, she says, an “active intervention because it may have significant effects on the child or young person in terms of psychological functioning. There are different views on the benefits versus the harms of early social transition… it is not a neutral act and better information is needed about outcomes.”

Some believe that socially transitioning kids will lock them into a gender identity and medical pathway that is detrimental. Cass emphasises that gender expression is indeed fluid and changeable for adolescents and that many may take till their mid-20s to settle. In other words, leave these kids alone.

Indeed, faced with this huge increase in kids saying they are trans, many schools have acquiesced. Yet teachers are not clinicians, nor are they there to diagnose children. Do they understand what they are doing? The entire narrative around trans children has been imported from America, but it is breaking apart.

Those who want to see themselves as compassionate and modern have embraced some seriously dodgy ideas. The evidence against puberty blockers, which were sold as “a pause” and reversible, mounts up. The Mayo Clinic has suggested that these drugs can lead to cancer. There is a court case coming up in Italy, and many predict that once the dam breaks, many who have been prescribed these drugs will sue their doctors. 

This has all been allowed to happen because children have been lied to. They are told they can change sex; they are told that puberty will be awful; they are told they will feel suicidal. Anyone who challenges this has been deemed a pariah. So we end up with newly qualified English teachers now deciding that they are doing the right thing by keeping a child’s fantasy identity secret from their parents.

Many are terrified of this issue and go along with what they must know to be dubious. We have yet to see where the Labour Party will go on this, because it too quakes in front of its own activists. Yet any serious person must address the issues around safeguarding. The gender dysphoric child must be protected, of course, but so must the other kids in the class who have a right to single-sex changing rooms.

Now is the time to step back and ask ourselves how we got here. The trans child is a manifestation of a recent story that the culture has told itself. This is a story of social contagion combined with the genuine distress of mostly young girls.

Children cannot be blamed for acting out, but the adults who have encouraged this, while patting themselves on the back for their progressive views, still need to be challenged. Cass is but the start. 

so fucking tired of those "queer is not a slur because gay people use it all the time! it's a political statement! it's identity! gay used to be a slur too!" shut the fuck up I am not reading your fucking thesis. queer has always been a slur. gay has been used in a derogatory way, sure, but so has "autistic" or "black" but that doesn't put them on the same level as "retard" or the n word. gay has always meant happy or giddy, queer has always meant weird or strange.

and as for identifying as queer, nobody fucking buys it Emily, you're as straight as a fucking arrow. queer as an identity is something made up for people to use to feel like they belong in the LGB or T communities; it's "non-straight" and "non-cis" because being gay or even trans requires you to make some fucking commitment, moreso for the former but you get me don't you?

if you're gay and wanna use the word, go for it. if you're lesbian, go for it. but normalising this shit as an "identity" and as "non-straight" has opened the floodgates for corporations and straight teenagers going through their 5th identity crisis to use it as they damn well please.

omg i feel you with that post about your intersex identity affecting your sexuality.

i gave up on the entire gender ordeal a long time ago because it makes no sense for my biology and my autistic brain. and for the most part, i ain't attracted to anyone, so in the rare instances that happen, im left wondering wtf is going on

in my case, i default to being gay, but fuck man. people trying to impose labels upon you is messed up

Yeah I'm very resentful of all labels for this reason. I don't like being called autistic, I just consider myself a little strange. I'm not gay or straight or bisexual, I'm just bushstraight. I'm not cis or trans or anything else, I'm bushstraight. That's the only label I'll ever tell anyone, it's all-encompassing of what I am as a person, and it works just fine for me since no one knows what the fuck it means (not even me, despite having created it). Maybe if people stop getting answers they'll learn it's rude to keep asking questions.

That said There Can Be Only One and if I find out someone else is going around calling themselves bushstraight I am legally obligated to hate crime them. Bushman's rules. We're fighting for that title.

about me

hi and welcome to my blog! i feel like i have to put on a brave face just to introduce myself, but here goes :')

my name is Erin. you can also call me Rin or E. i used to go by Eerie for many years, you can call me that if u want too because i still think it sounds super cute :) ps. if u knew me when i was called Eerie and we were cool then hmu. i kinda removed myself from everywhere and i feel embarrassed about it looking back lol

i'm from the beautiful land of Ireland, if u want more specifics then u will have to dm me. fun fact: my name also means Ireland, so if u wanna explore Ireland lmk ;)

i'm 22 years old and still a teenager. and in case i forget to update this in the future, i was born in November 2001. my sun/moon/rising signs are Scorpio/Taurus/Libra.

i'm bisexual. and that includes trans and enby peeps. i just think pansexual sounds silly (no offense). i can't tell if tumblr makes me think i'm gayer than i am or if i actually really gay, but i do indeed love women even tho i have no experience irl.

as for my personality... i'm full of love but have nobody to give it too. i think i'm somehow a strange mix of optimistic yet eternally sad. i'm always gentle and kind or at least i like to think so.. i'm a good listener but a terrible talker, i'm so awkward fr. i'm a dreamer. i often find myself daydreaming or fantasizing about things. i think that's maladaptive daydreaming tho so.. i love reading, nd that's not exclusive to books! mangas, people's thoughts and ideas and rants, wikipedia (lol), fanfics, long tumblr posts, erotica. i think my mind is at peace when i am reading :) i love media and culture from the 2000s and 90s! everything seemed so iconic idk? bring back the ipod nano :3 i'm an eternal bedrotter and i know that's not a cool thing to put in here but idc bc it's real

i am not exactly of sound mind :3 but i'm not diagnosed with anything either so idk. ED, likely autistic, paranoia, possible AvPD?, agoraphobia, childhood trauma, obviously depression and anxiety bc u know how it goes.

this blog will mostly be sfw, but minors dni anyway. i have a kink sideblog which u may or may not know about. i don't want to link it here but mutuals and cool girls can dm me for it.

and speaking of dms, my dms and asks are open to all! be as weird and as real as you want. but i might be shy if u are a pretty girl. and i'm probably less tolerant of weirdness from those types of men.. we all know the type..

i also have discord, you can ask for it but unless u are a mutual u will be unlikely to get it.

anywayz, if u made it this far then thanks for reading and i hope we can be friends because that's the whole reason i have tumblr in the first place! :)

xx

The rambling in question

So, I am Latinoamerican, a woman, trans, gay, autistic, and some other fun stuff. I am,  fundamentaly a minority in every concivable way, but funnily enough, I have been called a “White, Straight Man” by MY OWN SISTER.

Granted, this was mostly valid, i didn’t know i was trans, and the gay part comes with the package, and i hadn’t recived a proper autism diagnosis, even if i think it was pretty clear i wasn’t neurotypical. So i was, at the very least, a cis straigth man, with no disabilities and born in a privileged, high middle class family. 

The White part is... Complicated. Escentialy, I am, by no definition, white, i am not even “White Passing”, my twin sister is a lot paler than i am, while me and my older sister (the one that called me “white”) are both fairly brown skinned, and even after spending all day inside, i think it would be ridiculous to call me “white”, my natural hair kinda turns into and afro if you let it be, it is VERY curly. 

Obviously, even beyond fisical aperance, calling a latinoamerican person “white” is already weird, because while a lot of us are clear skinned, that does not take from the fact whe are latinoamerican, and kind of by definition, outside of the “white” label, at least how it is usually used. Still my sister, called me white, why?

Well, simple, because i am part of the privileged mayority in terms of skin color in my country. While i do think steriotypes and opretion that puts more clear skinned people in a social position of generaly less shittiness, in my country, discrimination based on physical diferences, or “race” just, works diferently than in the United States, in fact, almost all countries and regions of the world have a diferent standard and a diferent history of discrimination. In my country, being anywhere from very pale white to dark brown is generally not tha diferent, you are part of the ambigous mayority that is on some level, mixed. If you are evidently native american, afrocaribean, asian, or, specially, from our neighbour country, then there are steriotypes, discrimination and all that bullshit, but most people exist as part of a general, privileged mayority, that can’t really be called “white” or “black”.

However, while the United States sistem doesn’t exist over here, a lot of its standards have been brought over time. Obviously not just in the present, history is plagued by U.S influence, but more resently, the comversation around “race” and discrimination up there has traveled through social media and into the young progresive kids in my country. Generally not a bad thing, but it often leads to a strange sort of filter. Which leads to my sister, knowing that i was part of the privileged mayority in terms of discrimination based on apeareance and persived “race”, to call me “White” because, that’s the word the U.S uses.

And this always remains as a petty memory i have, my sister has changed a lot, and gained a deeper understanding on stuff, so i don’t she would seriously use that word again like that. But it always shocked me that she thought that, that she tried to apply that very foreign filter to her literal sister.

All of this to say, that this is why i think i have a very diferent perspective in all of the issues people discuse in the internet? Because, i am not from the U.S, i am a latinoamerican* trans, gay, neurodivergent woman, my isues, how i deal with them, how they came to be in the first place, it works very diferently to the isues in the U.S, even if i end up knowing more about y’alls policies than my own contries. 

Yes, i am a “racial” minority, i also have never suffered “racial” discrimination, because i am also, a racial mayority, because, you know, i am a latina in latinoamerica!

I know of the discrimination people like me face abroad, i have family and people i know that have suffered it, but i am not, inherently a victim, you get what i mean? Being a Minority, being priviliged, or opressed, is kind of a fluid thing, and it is very complicated. Again to the things my sister said, the labels and standards she was using at the time inherently didn’t fit, talking about “white people” in the context of the “racial” discrimination of latinoamerica is probably gonna fall flat. 

But she wasn’t wrong about the other stuff, even now, that i came out of the closet and take pills and i take the public bus in a skirt, i haven’t recivied almost any form of discrimination, its been varely 3, 4 months? no one has said anything super bad, the university is a very safe space, specially on the social sciences building, my friends and family where accepting enough, even if my dad can be a dick. I have a progessive minded, high middle class family, I had profetional help when it comes to my necesities as a neurodivergent person, i recieved psycologycal aid during my darkest moments (and came the other side queer and autistic ;3).

I have struggled and suffered a lot honestly; but because of my specific situation, i have the privilege of not taking the brunt of it yet. My grandmas don’t know i am queer yet, and the other day i had my heart in my throat as i told a childhood friend i was trans, and he shrugged and said he didn’t mind. 

broadly, weirdly, i am okay! Life hasn’t quite kicked me with its underprivileged hammer, in fact, plenty of not-queer people i know probably where and are less “privileged” than i am, despite the fact i have the whole batch of pokemon types XD. 

So, i guess i just have a particular perspective on privilege, because of all of this. Not to say, i am not not privileged, i just think it is... complicated, and i also think i really cannot have a more valid opinion on a lot of this stuff, because i haven’t lived it. I cannot tell you much about what is like to be a “racial Minority”, i cannot tell you much about what is like to be openly trans in public, even if i am both of those things, and have learned a thing or two about them; my specific situation means i have a specific expirience. I am not dumb enough to say “being trans in public is fine in my country” because i don’t fucking know, i get on a bus and drop into a nest for comunists called a university, and get out of the bus and drop into my personal nest of comunist called my room.

 I only went to the mall once with a friend and the lady at a pizza place called us girls, so that’s neat, and i spend most of the time pretending to lift my skirt to tease my friend and taking turns rambling about bushit we where hyperfixating on. I loved it, but can i realy tell you it is safe? 

Would it be the same for a trans girl from a much nastier religious family, having to walk through the city center every day? for a girl having to work in public, rather than having the chance at higher education? For someone whose vaguely homofobic childhood friends didn’t turn out to be nicer guys? I don’t know, i don’t think so. i simply am, despite all, a very privileged person, as much as i am an underprivileged one.

Also, this friend in the mall I went with, he is kinda who i’m talking about, she has some codependant relationship with her hyper religious witch of a mother and they need a lot more therapy that i ever did, but they can’t really get it, because that Hyper Religious Mother is a helicopter parent who he needs to ask permition to go out with me, WHEN SHE IS 19 YEARS OLD AND MAKING A CAREER. 

I dunno, what i wrote? I just... it stated with me being all baffled and almost facinated with Demily’s whole story about the discrimination she and her dad faced. I just had something personal to say, but, not to her.

I think it's finally time for me to make a pinned post, so here goes nothing!

Hi! I'm Ramone/Eden, and I make pride flags sometimes! A few things about me:

I'm 23 years old (est. Nov 1999, in case I forget to update this)

I'm a gender hoarder! The most basic/broad labels I use to describe my gender are: transgender/transmasculine, genderqueer, genderfluid, autigender, and xenogender.

I also hoard pronouns! I technically use any and all pronouns, but the ones I like the most are they/them/their, fae/faer/faers, au/aur/aurs, and zip/zip/zips! Feel free to mix it up, though!

I'm bi and on both the asexual and aromantic spectrums! I also identify as velaurian (both turian/MLM and lesbian/WLW).

I am autistic and cognitively disabled to some degree. I also have ADHD, anxiety, and some other stuff that makes things a bit difficult for me. Sometimes I have trouble articulating what I'm thinking or feeling, so if something doesn't make sense, please ask me to clarify! I also age regress (around 3-7), but that's not what this blog is for, so I likely won't talk about it much here.

I am radinclus/critinclus and support most (if not all) good faith identities and labels, including (but not limited to): m-spec lesbians/gays, straight lesbians/gays, lesboys/turigirls, cis/non-trans nonbinary folks, and all pronoun non-conforming folks. I am not very well educated on "tr4nsx/tr4nsid," so I prefer to avoid such content. (4 = a)

I am supportive of people with all sorts of disabilities, disorders, mental illnesses and other sundry brain differences, including p4r4phili4s. I am not supportive of the 4buse of children, animals, or any other being that cannot give complete consent. EDIT: That statement was worded a bit strangely, so to clarify, I am not supportive of the 4buse of anyone ever! (4 = a)

I refuse to participate in shipcourse on either side. This doesn't mean I'm "neutral" either. I have chosen to remove myself from it completely because I know I could never be well-educated enough to take either side. I also refuse to participate in syscourse because 1) I am a singlet (not a system), and 2) again, I could never be well-educated enough to take a side.

I think that's all right now, but I'll edit this post if need be! Thanks for reading!

🔥 - How has the way you think about yourself changed since you realized you were queer?

🌼 - If you used any other labels before your current one, what were they?

🌾 - How queer do you think you look? Would it be obvious to someone that you were queer if they looked at you?

🌱 - How would your younger self act if your current self told them they were queer?

💙 - When you first learned about the Queer community, did you immediately realize ‘That’s me!’ Or did you consider yourself a ‘really good ally’ for some time?

🔥: When I first figured out that I was queer it kinda like- it was very much a “ah. so that’s why Things Are the way they Are,” with the way they Are being the reason i felt so- other, to everyone else. I later figured out the reason for said othered feeling was actually because i was autistic. Figuring out I was trans was more- it was a lot harder and not an immediate “yes that’s me,” and while there’s been difficult parts, it’s largely been a very good thing for me. I started putting more effort into how I look/present because I wasn’t just completely apathetic towards my appearance, I actually- had ways that I wanted to look and realized I could feel happy in my appearance instead of just trying my best to ignore it

🌼: I identified as a lesbian for like….three? Years? From when I was 12 until I was 15. It turns out I was not a lesbian, I just didn’t want a romantic relationship where I was “the woman,” which meant even just the thought of dating men was very uncomfortable for me. I started questioning my gender properly when I was 15, and realized I was nonbinary. I just identified as gay and nonbinary but like gay in the “every attraction I experience is gay” way. Now I’m just unlabeled and a trans man, I’ve tried finding labels but like- nothing fits? I’ve tested out identifying as aroace, as gay, as bi, as combinations, and like. I’ve just come to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter sexuality is a social construct I can just do whatever. I have no canonical sexuality feel free to impose whatever headcanons you want onto me as long as you know they aren’t canon

🌾: I used to look a lot more queer, but I decided to go mostly stealth at college (I’ll tell people I’m trans if it’s relevant but like- most people just accept i’m just Some Guy), I was only really openly trans in high school because I had to be in order for people to know I was a guy. The dyed hair (I have an underbleach) and my general style is like- vaguely edgy. Like if someone diluted an alt kid. I don’t immediately look queer but I also don’t immediately look straight. I used to put in more effort but like I’m tired man I don’t want to get all dressed up just for class every day

🌱: I think if I told (deadname) or Blue that she turned out to be a guy she would be. Very confused. I was not a tomboy as a kid at all, I honestly had very little concept of gender or sexuality for a long time. It used to be kinda distressing for me and it was why I was hesitant to identify as a trans guy for a long time- it’s kinda the common stereotype for a trans person to always just know, and I didn’t just know. How I see it now is like- (deadname) and Blue are separate from who I am now, (deadname) and Blue weren’t a guy, but I, Cobalt, sure am.

💙: Kinda both! When I first realized I was queer it was cause I saw “women could kiss women,” took the Strange Discomfort at the idea of dating men, did the math wrong, and immediately went “ah yes. i’m a lesbian.” I then very much was “just a good ally” about trans people for three years, to the point where my logic was “I can’t possibly be trans, that’d be transphobic of me.” This was especially doubled because I was just starting to poke at my transgenderness right as the end of the truscum era of the trans community, and like- my general opinion was “everyone is valid regardless of their identity or dysphoria but *I* can’t be trans *I* don’t have dysphoria.” (despite the fact that i did have dysphoria, it just wasn’t the stereotype of dysphoria just being “overwhelmingly bad body dysphoria” so I thought I didn’t .”

So you want to read more original work, but you’re so used to reading fanfic and original works never measure up...

Why not try reading the work of someone who’s been writing popular fanfic for years, and is now writing original work? 

If you’ve read the Good Omens fic Nanny Knows Best, the Marvel fic Brought To Justice, the HP fic Chasing Ghosts, the Discworld fic In Duty... Those were all me! You already know my style and (hopefully) like my take on characters, worldbuilding, and plot!

And now, I have my own original stuff which, between you and me? Is even better.

Complex and thought-out interpersonal dynamics, detailed worldbuilding and slice of life, three-dimensional characterisation... and that sweet, sweet gay and trans shit, all in original works and written by a gay trans ND dude - and not just original works, but works that you can read on Ao3! 

What I do is I write and publish my WIPs to Ao3 and Medium as I work on them, and then once they’re complete, I re-edit them and reformat them as eBooks for sale - and crucially, I leave the originals up on Ao3, so you can still read them for free!

Do you like slice of life, sumptuous period AUs, pining and yearning, slowburn, sexy vampires, and sweetness? Do you love boss & secretary and master & servant dynamics? Do you love banter, wordplay, and heartfelt philosophical conversations? Do you love autistic and ADHD protagonists?

Heart of Stone is 90k, and is available for sale as an eBook on Amazon and Smashwords at $4.99, and you can read it on Ao3 here. Check it out on GoodReads too. 

The year is 1764, and following a glowing recommendation from his last employer, Henry Coffey, vampire, takes on a new personal secretary: young Theophilus Essex.

The man is quite unlike any secretary - or any man, for that matter - that Henry has ever met.

Do you like dark, brooding period pieces, the sense of unreality associated with ongoing isolation, and the horror of not knowing whether you can trust your own mind? Do you like beautiful men being made the victim of strange forces unknown? Do you like epistolary? Do you like contemporary adaptations of Greek mythological ideas, protagonists who are slutty, gay, and have myriad self-esteem issues, and most importantly, art?

Letters From Ganymede is currently a WIP, and is at 25k+! You can read it on Ao3 here. 

Ganymede Cavendish, a recent graduate from the Royal Academy of Arts, catches the eye of an anonymous benefactor.

Mr Smith will offer Mr Cavendish food and board, all the artistic supplies he might require, and space with which to work: they shall never meet, and Mr Cavendish will never know Mr Smith's true name. The only recompense he desires is that Mr Cavendish create beautiful art, and that he write his sponsor a letter each week, keeping his benefactor apprised of his progress.

Having always been lonely, but now feeling alone, Ganymede begins a slow descent into madness.

Do you like fallen angels, revolutionaries, and the grey morality that so often goes hand in hand with immortality? Do you like unhealthy power dynamics within relationships, where one party is constantly trying to manipulate their way into power over the other? Do you like dark humour, found family, sibling dynamics, and cats? Do you like explorations of the darker sides of abandonment issues, needs for control, and the unhealthiest of relationships that still somehow feels fluffy? Do you love bratty trans twinks who love kinky sex?

Powder and Feathers is currently a WIP, and stands right now at 160k+.You can read it on Ao3 here. 

It seems to Aimé Deverell that there is very little point to life, except for what pleasures can be enjoyed before the grave. Life is short - thank God - but at least there's enough in the world to dull the senses in the meantime.

That philosophy shatters like glass when he meets Jean-Pierre, an angel.

Please reblog to signal boost!

The idea of publishing my work for free on Ao3 as well as publishing eBooks is so that people can try out my work or just enjoy it without spending money if money is an issue, and to make it as accessible as possible.

More importantly, although all of the above works have different characters in them, they’re all part of the same universe, and I am so excited to add more and more to this universe as I write more! 

An Open Letter: ‘Gender Critical’

I get on my bus just about every weekday. I hear people talking about gender: “people can’t just change their chromosomes”. We never wanted to. “They’re insane.”  It takes fifteen minutes to get to school. The comments don’t stop. At six fifty we get off the bus and sit in the lunchroom. The comments continue. People are accused of being gay. Those of us who are trans keep our heads down. The day rolls by. Not one goes by without another comment made by some teacher or faculty member. They give me strange looks when it takes a moment to respond to she, her, miss, ma’am. My reflection is blurry. We have no windows. The mirrors are warped, I think. That must be it, right? I cannot recognize myself. My face is not my own. My hands are small, not quite hairy enough. My legs feel wrong. I’ve been bleeding for three weeks, I call it the red wave. The blood is green and yellow and reeks of death. I know I am rotting from the inside out. That organ was never supposed to be there. It causes so much trouble because it too knows it’s wrong, it was not supposed to exist. Not in me. People comment about my hair. They call me Logan -- some of them do -- after a hard won battle over six years. My hair is green now. It’s dead, fried from bleach and chemicals. I like when it falls out.  “This is Logan, she. . .” The day ends. I come home to my mother. She is my only parent. She’s on the phone with my aunt. Both of them use my deadname. I am called she, girl, even my old nickname flies around between the two. I’ve been out to both for six years. I shower with the lights off. Surely, that way I can deal with my grotesque form. I am heavier around the middle. That does not bother me, I love how the hair grows on my stomach and makes a little racetrack. The binder comes back on when I get out. I can’t look at my bare chest anymore. It comes back on before the lights. I go online. Back into my studies, it’s easier than listening to the same words be repeated in my ears over and over. My mother likes to talk about how ashamed she is that I ‘hate’ my female anatomy. How she must have failed as a mother. “You can’t encourage delusions!” “She. Her. Female. Thing. You disgust me.” “You must be perverted, why else are you trying to go in the men’s bathroom?” “You’re already autistic, you must just be retarded.”  It buzzes like flies, the same ones crawling out from between my legs, from the rot that drips out. The little maggots turn into flies and say meaningless things in my ears.  I tune it out, it happens every day after all. Social media provides nothing better. Everything is the same, with the taste of battery acid soaking my tongue. I can feel those bitter words rising up my throat, tearing out my insides. The maggots slip out from between my lips. “I hate this body. I hate this skin. I am unnatural. I am not human. I am disgusting. I am subhuman. I am filthy. I am wrong.” My voice makes me nauseous. It is not mine. Trying to find the owner is a useless chore. Sometimes I wish I was like the stereotypes. I wish I was the way they portray us. I wish I was delusional to my own sex. I wish I was pretending. I wish it was all for attention, and that a hug would make it all go away. I wish endorphines would send the dysphoria flying when I cut my wrists, I wish and I wish and I wish.  Online I am called a trans rights activist, whatever that means. I see those who hate us everywhere. Tiktok, twitter, tumblr, instagram, the list goes on. “You are blind to sex.” I wish I was. Please, gouge out my eyes. I will give them to you freely. Make me blind, I beg of you. A long time ago I was called ‘it’ as an insult. I have since taken those pronouns on, wearing them like any other decoration with my outfit. I am a thing, crawling and slithering in human skin. Billions of maggots, rotting from the inside out and walking around in this filthy, rotting carcass. I am an it. I am subhuman. Look at me and tell me I am human, for you will see you are wrong. I have been told it is for our safety. That we should not transition. The regret will be too much. We will become statistics, suicides, bodies in holes. Those holes will have the wrong names on the headstones, I assure you, if they have headstones at all. I am mentally ill. I have hallucinations. I have delusions. I was sexually abused as a child. I was raped by a classmate, sexually assaulted other times, had child porn filmed by a friend and watched by a relative. I have cPTSD. I am autistic. According to the watching folk, these things make my identity false. I must listen to them, they must determine what I am. Am I a woman to you? If I tore off these hazards, if I gave you my arteries, would I be a man?  “A woman has a uterus.” Would you like mine? “A woman has breasts.” Would you like mine? “A woman has a period.” Would you like mine? “A woman has ovaries.” Would you like mine? “A woman has a dainty, high voice.” Would you like mine? “A woman comes in many forms.” Would you like mine? Please. Take it. I have no use for skin, for a body or a form. My mother told me not to shave my legs as a child, that the hair would grow back darker. I nodded, listened to her speech, and did it anyway. She grew angry with me when that razor didn’t stop there. It travelled up my neck, accompanied by strawberry-scented shaving foam, to shave away the peach-fuzz on my face.  The hair hasn’t grown back darker there yet. I keep trying, though. Is this your cis gender dysphoria? I carved a scar on the top of my navel as a child. It’s covered by hair now. I used that to justify my feelings of wrongness, that I must have had something cut off. Now, it’s just a scar. I’m more aware than ever that it is just a scar. I have never had something there. I have never wanted it more. Packing doesn’t satisfy me anymore. I am missing flesh. A phantom organ rests against my thighs. I have never been a woman. I thought that would change when I started a period. It did not. I have been lied to about transgender people as a child. I was told they were all rapists, murderers, beasts and shadows in man-skin stolen from good, god-fearing people. Families were robbed of parents and siblings because of this gender thing. Societies were torn apart, they told me. But they would never tell me what ‘transgender’ was when I asked. I have been hit more than once for asking. If I kill myself will it end? We mostly end in suicides, after all. They say hormone therapy will not change it. I will never feel right in my own body. I will always hate myself. I will hate this skin and throw up maggots and taste that battery acid every day of my life. The surgeries won’t change it. The name will not change it. The pronouns won’t change it. So when does it end, o great viewers? You seem to know the most about us animals. Tell me, the curious filth, when does this stop? I will never be human to you whether I ask to be seen as I am or not. I ask for a separate place to go and you spit fire at the thought. An alternative makes you sick, you claim. And yet, so does the idea of us existing. So where do we go? Do you want us to all die? You claim to want to fix us, sometimes, but your fixing is torture. Volts of electricity to shock the animal out of us. Sit down girl, behave. Grow your hair out and claim the title of tomboy again. Keep the gag in your mouth. Dry heave, starve yourself so the maggots won’t come up. Do anything but be what you are, you goddamn animal. 8:30 pm rolls around. I take my night meds, roll over, and wait for the dawn to break as the pattern continues tomorrow.

Gender Thoughts Pt 1 and 2

The first time I put a binder on, a little under a week ago, I felt euphoric. Ever since I hit puberty very early on, I felt uncomfortable with my breasts. They never felt right on me, and even though I’ve come to love them sometimes, they still don’t always feel like they match up. I hated how people always looked at them, pointed out how much they showed in low cut shirts when I never even noticed they were--or even wanted them to. They were just there. I liked the way low cut shirts feel and look on me, I just can’t help these giant sacks of flesh that sit on my chest. 

Except...now I can! I ran my hands over my smooth chest, feeling bright. I looked into the mirror, and felt something warm wash over me. I put on my new masculine clothes, letting my partner clip on my new suspenders. I realized that I was shaking as I looked at myself again… I looked like a boy. I felt like a boy. Like a man. And I liked it. I wanted it. Admitting that to myself was like coming home. 

I remember being in sixth grade, walking around the track for my civil air patrol class. I had been slotted in with the rest of the girls, the boys walking ahead of us. I remember feeling uncomfortable being shoved in with only girls, and looking at the gaggle of boys ahead. The exact thought that whispered in my brain was “I wish I was a boy. I want to be like them, with them.” I never forgot that moment, and how strange it made me feel. How it was easier to shake that thought away, and dismiss those feelings. Except they never really left, did they? 

I remember sitting on my bed, crying with my best friend kneeling in front of me. I remember telling her how I didn’t like feeling like a woman all the time. That I wished I could be a black shadow, monstrous, androdynous. Specifically like Venom. She took my hand, did my makeup all in black and helped me pick out the perfect black outfit to achieve that dark, gothic look. I was so incredibly happy and validated. But I still felt like something was missing. 

I remember going into an Adam and Eve for laugh, not expecting much since I am an asexual with a low libido. I remember seeing packers and feeling my chest tighten. I never liked my genitalia--I had wished for a cloaca or something akin to that, but since that was biologically impossible for a human… I sometimes wished I had the opposite of a vagina. I frequently imagined what it would be like to have a penis. I frequently lamented the fact that I didn’t have one. I took the box up to the counter to ask some questions, my dress swishing as I went. The cashier told me it was for trans people only, and a girl like me couldn’t have it. She didn’t know what asexuality was, and had tried polyamory once but decided it was bad when her girlfriend kissed her boyfriend. I was upset, disheartened, and left the store empty handed feeling frustrated and lost.

I remember finally cutting the long, curly locks that had frustrated and imprisoned me for so long. Seeing all of my hair fall to the floor, staring into the mirror as the barber buzzed the back of my head… It made me want to cry tears of joy. It was the first time in my entire life that I had looked at my hair and was happy. The first time I could look in the mirror and feel like myself. Then I remember wanting to go shorter, and my barber encouraging me to keep it a little longer so I didn’t look manly, so I could still be soft and feminine. The way my stomach dropped and the sick feeling in my chest only increased when he began to make fun of the gay men who came down the street near his favorite restaurant. I never saw that barber again. I instead found a nice local place down the road from my apartment, where the kind lady cut it all off without question, other than “Why?” and accepted my warm “It makes me happy. It makes me feel beautiful.” 

But wearing that binder for the first time? It was as if a beam of light had funneled its way directly into my heart. I felt like a handsome man, with just a little bit of striking man boob, and it felt so right. My partner called me a dashing boy and my heart began to race. I still feel his hand tracing my jawline as he called me handsome, and the butterflies it sent up through my belly, even after more than eleven years. 

I love my partner--he identifies as agender and primarily masculine, and has been on the lookout for a good pair of size thirteen shoes to wear with a dress. They also wear joggers and flip flops and graphic tees and can’t seem to stop talking about the ocean and outer space. They’re probably one of my biggest inspirations for finding myself, and being authentically me. 

I’m not super sure who or what I am right now. I’m still figuring that out, but I’m pretty sure I’m somewhere between agender and genderfluid. I feel like me more than anything else, but all pronouns make me feel good. I feel like all of them and none of them at once, but I swing between wanting to be feminine and masculine pretty strongly, though I enjoy being masculine most of all--even when I’m wearing dresses and pink. I feel like a beautiful person in a dress or a button down, no matter what gender I feel like today or tomorrow. 

I am me. And I am one dashing boy, and one beautiful girl. 

4 July 2021

XXX

Since first writing this little essay, I’ve been doing a lot more examination of my gender. I have come to the conclusion that I am transmasc and nonbinary, and am shaky on the title of genderfluid. I am feeling less and less like a woman--if anything, occasionally adjacent to a woman rather than actually being one. I love feeling like and presenting as a man. I have my first appointment with a gender services doctor at my local community clinic for consultation on starting hrt testosterone. I am planning to start with low dose first, and see how I feel. 

I am still unsure of my exact identity, but I have found great euphoria with being and presenting as a man. I love being a man and everything that entails. I have loved myself like never before. Being with my partner is amazing, and he has been endlessly supportive--even recounting little things they had noticed throughout the years. One of the funniest being that I only ever referred to my body parts--my belly, hands, hair, genitalia--with masculine pronouns. I always seemed to see my body as male even if I had a certain sort of dissonance from it. 

Coming out has been difficult. I have had both positive and negative experiences from it. I have been told going on testosterone would be self harm, and that I can’t be something I’m not. I’ve had coworkers I trusted out me without my permission. But I have also had positive affirmation, polite questions, and discussions. I am terrified to tell my mother and her boyfriend--I have no idea how they will react and am terrified that I will be disrespected and disowned. 

But I am prepared to do whatever it takes to be my happiest and most authentic self. 

I have been binding a lot more often, wearing sports bras for long shifts at work, and occasionally going without either when I feel like letting my man boobs hang free. I’ve had the delightful experience of going to a men’s big and tall store and finally wearing pants. I grew up as a fat girl and felt as if I had to perform high femininity to be taken seriously and be treated well--and had been told by someone I trusted that I was too fat to wear pants, which I heavily internalized. So I had completely cast them away in favor of dresses and skirts, bows and gaudy jewelry. Realizing that I could wear pants was...totally wild. That I could be comfortable and look good in pants and shorts, and that it didn’t matter what people did or thought of me was life changing. Maybe I’ll feel like being feminine again someday, but right now this masculinity and masculine clothing, with perhaps the added spice of funky earrings, feels like home. 

I also grew up autistic and with PCOS, both which I think have affected my gender identity. Being autistic, I truly struggled to connect to others socially, and especially to understand societal norms. Being a proper woman felt like I was making up for everything else I was lacking--I may have been awkward, semi-verbal and weird with no friends, but at least I was cute and girlish. I never connected to womanhood though, and always felt out of place no matter how hard I tried. With PCOS, I had heightened testosterone, which meant wider breasts and shoulders, a lack of periods, and excessive body hair. I recall the endocrinologist asking high school age me if I had excessive body hair around my stomach, breasts, etc. and my mother jumping to say no I didn’t...even though I did. I remember suddenly feeling very self aware and ashamed of something completely natural, and even something I started to enjoy. I started shaving my entire body then. 

I even remember being in middle school, and thinking nothing of my hairy legs. In fact, I loved my body hair and how it felt. A rude girl began making fun of me though, tutting her tongue as she cooed, “Aw, does your mommy not let you shave?” Among other things, all throughout many years of severe bullying and abuse. I remember feeling ashamed, but not knowing why, and immediately shaving my legs, covering them in nicks from my shaky and unsteady hands, that same night. 

So many things set me back in my gender expression. So many things contributed to me willful ignorance and denial. I remember wanting to be butch, and everyone in my life laughing at me and saying I was too soft for that. That sweet, sharp ache in my chest. I remember going to a salad bar with my mother, wearing a button up and telling her I wanted to wear some more boyish clothes around that same time--I had already told her that I was bi sometime earlier. I remember her lip curling, looking uncomfortable, and telling me that I better not become one of those boy girls. My late father was very vocal in denouncing homosexuality and specifically men loving men--something which always sat horribly wrong with me on a deeper level. 

I think I might ending up being a trans man. I am still unsure and figuring myself out, but I struggle greatly with the autistic need for sameness vs. the trans need for change. My sapphic love of women has always been very important to me, and fully becoming a man rather than genderfluid is scary for that very reason. I am still navigating my identity and what it means to me and my reality--but no matter what, being a man, being masculine is integral to who I am. 

I was called a “sir” at a job interview for the first time the other day, and nearly began to bawl from sheer joy. The gender euphoria from that and so many moments is worth so much more to me than the years of suffering and ignorance and my ongoing struggles with dysphoria. I finally got a packer and have had help from my partner in learning to position it properly--I am thinking of cutting my hair even shorter. I have almost perfected a pretty basic tie tying skill. Okay, not really, but I’m getting there. I feel deep inside that even though my father loved me, he would not like who and what I am. Still, I wear the last watch he ever wore, and hope to be a good man like him--and to learn from the toxic parts of him to be an even better man. 

I am very excited to start hrt. I am terrified of hair loss and vaginal atrophy, but I look forward to so much more. I cannot wait for bottom growth and body hair, for the voice drop that will hopefully get me misgendered less. I have always felt disconnected from my voice and look forward to getting to know it better as it changes with me. I look forward to meeting with new facial hair. Working out and growing muscle. I just look forward to my second puberty and becoming more like myself. I look forward to navigating and exploring my gender even further, both with loved ones, support groups, and myself. 

More than anything, I am just happy to be me. 

25 August 2021

🏳‍🌈 hiii coda i have no idea what these emojis are i just copy pasted them but for the ask game

HI OLLY I have no idea what they are either is that the gay flag?is that what its supposed to be i cant tell. anyway hi. Psych guy here to talk about the mental illnesses i think petscop characters have

🏳‍🌈 do you have any headcanons (lgbt, race, neuro, etc) that are important to you?

in my brain pictures paul is a trans guy obviously but thats pretty much canon, also autistic but you know that already. probably c-ptsd haver, my take on him heavily focuses on dissociation particularly becasue its the best explanation for his memory loss. i imagine he's probably like just regular old depressed too. but like, when you have cptsd going on that's kind of a given. i think hes like "im depressed. which explains all of these other symptoms. there is nothing strange going on here.i am just a regular g uy with depression" belle is like vaguely genderfucked to me , like she's got SOMETHING going on but doenst have a label for it. shes like yes im a girl no im not a girl im a boy im not a boy im a girl im not a girl. to me. i figure she has some kind of trauma disorder too and i tend to think of her as having bipolar 1, she is definitely a manic episode haver to me. i also visualize her as an adhd guy. rainer is also nonbinary to me. No one can deny that guy had some kind of gender thing. im not sure what but it was something. to me he is a delusions guy as well. huge anhedonia guy. super depressed catatonic guy as well. i think my brain sees him as autistic too but i think i just see most characters as that because thats my lived experience im sorry. ALSO lina ptsd because i think its so funny to visualize an entire family where literally every single person has some variation on a trauma dsiorder. Like. Can you imagine. it also just makes sense in terms of the events of 1977. i figure in my mind that it doesnt really effect her too mcuh though because shes all grown up and in a safe place and knows her limits. she still has her days though

thats all i can think of off the top of my head. If you it doesnt make sense to you its because i have a rich inner world you could never hope to undersatnd

Subculture Appropriation: A conversation with my therapist fiancee about the Beetlejuice musical

Okay so, some context before go into this. I don’t normally like going into identity stuff but antis will come for you if you don’t so here we go:

My fiancee is a trans clinical psychologist, likely neurodivergent. However before going into clinical, they got their undergrad in social psychology and because I was a historian before I became too ill to work, I love to talk to them about culture, society, social movements, etc (my brand of historian was a sub-type called social historian, ie I studied the societies, and social movements and every day lives of ordinary people in the past rather than say, military bullshit. I fucking hate military history lol). As additional context for what I am about to talk about here, I was raised by two gay dads, one of whom was an OG 80s punk who lived in Philadelphia during the AIDS crisis. 

Also, full disclosure: I love the Beetlejuice musical. I don’t love what it’s done to the fandom but I love the musical; not all Beetlebabes hate the musical. 

Okay so:

The thing that gets my goat about the shitty hot takes a lot of gen z has around Beetlejuice comes from what my partner has termed “subculture appropriation.” Let me explain. 

Goth and punk are subcultures. They were, in the 80s, revolutionary. They were radical, and they were not accepted in the mainstream. My dad, with his mohawk and tattoos designed himself (he was a horror comic artist) and multiple hand pierced ears and chains around his neck, was not well received in my small town in NJ. When we lived there, in the early 2000s, we were the only gay family in the neighborhood. Gay marriage wasn’t legal, and I was shunned in school for being the girl with two dads. Gay rep in media was pretty much limited to Queer Eye and the L Word. It was a different time. 

Gothic subculture, even in the early 2000s, was not mainstream. My small group of friends in high school (we were all goth and emo) were shunned. A lot of us were some flavor of queer. Some of us were POC. Some, like me, autistic. A lot of us had eating disorders. We were bullied incessently, to a point where many of us had severe mental health problems and had spent time in and out of psych wards. This was also not seen as mainstream and labeled us even more as “freaks.”

Beetlejuice was the movie and cartoon for us, by us. It was a cult classic. It was not something most kids were watching, but I grew up strange and unusual. Beetlejuice spoke to an entire generartion of goth subculture. 

Nowadays, things are different. Hot Topic doesn’t play Pierce the Veil at ear numbing volumes when you go into the store. You’re likely not gonna find those hideous punk pants we were all enamored of back in the day. Instead, you’ll find Disney. Fandom. Anime. Bob’s Burgers. In the last decade, goth has been watered down to appeal to the masses (much like other nerdy subcultures) because capitialism ruins everything. So, enter the Beetlejuice musical. 

I love the musical because it spoke to me, the little girl I once was, who watched the cartoon with my dad on CN. But I noticed, once the show blew up on Tiktok, things changed. And the reason was a mainstream teen audience picked up on something very specific to a subculture. And then they made it there’s-- hence the term subculture appropriation. 

Beetlejuice has its roots in gothic literature, dating back to the 19th century (my friend magicalmolly on tiktok has an excellent “understanding gothic literature” series that covers this). One of the main tropes of gothic lit is Death and the Maiden-- aka Beej and Lyds. It is not a mainstream romance, and it’s not supposed to be. If supernatural romance makes you uncomfy, then maybe this genre isn’t for you. 

The problem is when something with tropes specific to a subculture enter the mainstream, they are going to be villainzed and misinterpreted because mainstream Beckys who think they’re goth because they paint their nails black have absolutely no sense of history, context, and nuance that the themes of the show give. As a result, suddenly the shitty hot takes pop up. And yes, age gaps are icky irl. But in this genre, they are bread and butter (Lindsay Ellis has a good video on this called My Monster Boyfriend). As a result, suddenly a bunch of kids come into a niche that isn’t theirs, demand we re-arrange the furniture for their comfort, and in general start trying to push the subculture out of its own space. 

This isn’t, by the way, gatekeeping. This is appropriation. When you go into a niche subculture created by the marginalized and try to make it your apple pie bullshit, you are appropriating a space that doesn’t belong to you. As a result, you have two choices: you can either educated yourself on the culture, its history, context, nuance, and decide its for you and dive in. Or you can leave. But it’s frankly gross af for you to barge in, try to rewrite history that in the case of the subculture, goes back decades, and in the case of gothic literature, centuries. That is the playbook of colonization (and I know you little fake woke shits are gonna derail the entire argument because of this but I haven’t seen any of y’all write a fucking 60 page thesis on nationalism, colonialism and antisemitism in France so get fucked). 

I’m bad at conclusions so if you made it this far, any OG babes feel free to add on with your thoughts bc we old ass goths gotta stick together. Thanks for coming to my historical context essay. 

Hello! Can I get a Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings matchup?

I am a gay trans demiboy. My appearance is light brown fluffy hair, dark brown almost black eyes, a rather large nose, skinny frame, pale skin, and short to medium height. I'm a Hufflepuff, INFP, 4w3, Libra sun, Virgo moon, Taurus rising. I'm also autistic, I like adventuring, baking, herbs, working with animals, and reading mostly fantasy books but I do like horror and fact books too!! I like to learn random facts and tell people about what I learned, I also like to sing and tell stories. I'd play the keeper position in quidditch, and I'd be a hobbit in LOTR. Some things I don't like is being interrupted for no good reason, horrible people, and the feeling of failure! I can be a little bit narcissistic about my appearance sometimes but it evens out with my thoughts of me being a failure and useless to everyone. I'm really shy when first meeting people but after I warm up to them I get a lot more talkative!!

I hope you have a great day and happy writing! 💛

Alright once again with someone who's wanting a matchup sooo without further ado and away we goooo~

@buggypuff

Alright for the first one is Harry potter

I ship you with:

Fred Weasley♥️

- oh boy move outta the way Percy Freds been caught by this handsome Bois charm.

- he is accepting of you like very open the prankster shows you around his to his family and he loves to prank people just to get your attention.

-meeting you would kind of go like: (cause I know you also like Percy I decided to make a love triangle)

Fred: oi Ello there love

You: oh hello Freddie me boi

Fred: what's gotten into Percy he's jealous of us

You: I don't know he's been acting strange why what do you want to tell me

Fred: actually love I need to tell ya I love you from the moment we met in Hogwarts

You: *blushes* Fred I-i oh come here ya goof *kisses him*

-he would watch himself when with you Goerge teasing him from how red his face is getting "oi look at Freddie he's gone red like a tomato"

- Fred would often give you flowers and not mind your flaws he is indefinitely in love with you love be happy with the goofball.

-yule ball would be him dancing and teasing Ron about his date with you man he would dance goofily not into that waltz stuff like old swing he would dance with you all the way.

-adventures he would love to see the world with you going on broom with you and trying to find some creatures since you idolize newt scammander.

Alright that's all I have for now and onto the next one which is:

Frodo 💫

- this air headed hobbit is one of the nicest and kindest of all despite being dreamy all the time.

-he would love to hang out with you in the forest all the time he would often smile at your face since you to are hobbits he won't have trouble cuddling you most of the time.

-oh and get this he loves to read books aloud to you just to please you. He is underated but even you saw something special to him.

-travelling the world with him is quite fun your the good cook and he isn't the best at it but you teach him.

-your kind to him and stand up to anyone who teases him whether it's the elf's or dwarves or other hobbits.

- he loves reading about history and traditions with you he often listens when you tell random facts and he nods even if he doesn't understand.

-if you have any bad days hell sit with you explaining about all the good and bad adventures he's had.

-overall I think you too pull it off your wedding was in a forest surrounded by flowers and plants.

My gender, i fucking guess

Ok, so I haven't mentioned this yet, but for the past what, two weeks? A week? I've been thinking about gender - as in my own.

So to sum up my thoughts, I've started down this train of thought about how I view myself, cause like... I enjoy being called a young woman. It makes me feel proud to being called a young lady or a lady. But... why? Am I proud of being called these things cause I'm an adult now? How would I feel of being casually called handsome? A gentleman?

I start overthinking, going down a rabbit hole of doubts and thoughts about how if I am a cis woman. Cause what even is gender dysphoria, or gender euphoria?

Wow, this sent me down a tailspin. But, I just kept this in the back of my mind when I realized I was spiraling down into self-doubt and way too much questioning.

God, I love labels too much.

But... I had an idea just now.

My neurodivergency.

So basically, I was thinking about me being autistic and ADHD, and I was casually thinking about my struggles with social talking and societal rules while watching Whose Line (I know, perfect time to have a gender crisis). This made me think about how - unfathomable social rules are, how we have this strange sense of rules without really understanding why this should be (which is mostly because of society's and its white supremacy and patriarchy).

"Don't put elbows on the table, don't run your hands through your hair." "Why?" "Cause it's rude." "Cause it makes you look stuck-up." Really? Why? Like, genuinely, how is this possible?

This made me come up with my epiphany just now: gender is incomprehensible.

This is why I'm able to "get" things like gender jokes about your gender being a food or people's advice and experiences on gender nonconformity. I always felt weird about understanding it or even relating to it cause I feel like I have to do a thing like "I'm cis but this is relatable", but maybe there's a reason about me being able to "get" other's experiences with gender.

So with this idea, I think I understand what I've been thinking about: gender doesn't exist for me. Like, straight up, the concept is as unfathomable as me comprehending a time before time itself. All I know is what others have told me and how I "see" gender: there is biological male and female, there are pronouns you can use, there are different ways you can present yourself, there are multiple labels to define yourself with like nonbinary, trans, demi, fluid, etc. And I think not only does this help me understand my thoughts around "gender", but it also helps me with things like changing pronoun vocab and to stop thinking of the people I knew as their assigned gender.

Just... gender doesn't exist for me. The names exist and how people present themselves of course exist, but like... what is gender, to me? It's nothing.

I guess, by literal definition, this makes me autigender (if there's another term for someone's neurodivergency making them think of their own gender a different way, let me know). But do I think of myself as trans?

Hm.

I think it's like with my thought process about calling myself sapphic: I know logically and emotionally I'm panromantic, but spiritually, like with my heart and brain, I might be more attracted to woman. I don't want to say I'm gay or a lesbian cause I'm not personally gay: sapphic is a term that's general, something that says I like women, no matter what my sexual attraction is.

So I believe I'm with that about my gender: I know in my brain and heart that I'm a woman, cause that's who I am personally (though I wouldn't mind being called handsome or a gentleman - why not, who cares, I don't believe in gender!!), though I suppose that according to what I've been talking about, I'm nonbinary, by literal definition. Or maybe agender. Hm.

Though I'm still scared. Yes, I know, anyone whose trans is trans and you don't have to "prove" yourself to be a certain kind of trans person. But I'm still nervous about saying I might be trans, like a kind of imposter syndrome. Am I really trans? Would I be taking what isn't mine if I relate to gender jokes or make my own? I still feel like I'm fiercely a woman and stand by all my fellow woman, is that not right? I'm not exactly looking for sympathy or reassurance, just kinda spurting this out into the world.

Hm.

I guess... I'm gonna take a deep dive into the nonbinary tag and blogs. I want to really examine my own views on me being a woman and how I view my gender, cause I feel weird calling myself any kind of trans labels cause they all revolve around gender - cause what even is it in the first place?

Hm.

(っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ Matchup ♥

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

Hello there! If you don’t mind, would it be alright to request a matchup for Demon Slayer, Fullmetal Alchemist & Fire Force?

I’m an autistic, gay trans guy!

(I’m a Libra & ISFP).

I’m 4'10 with short hair that I dye often (as of right now, it’s indigo!) and I have hazel eyes, with a lot of freckles. I’m chubby, but with a very prominent hourglass figure. I gravitate towards wearing clothes that are baggy, but I have a secret love for wearing things like dresses or generally very pretty/cute clothes?

(Like.. Lolita style stuff! I have no problem wearing feminine things, and a lot of it makes me feel really confident! I often feel insecure about myself due to my autism, and I have a birth defect that gives me complications with walking, so wearing nice things and looking fancy makes me feel a lot better about myself!)

I’m timid and struggle when it comes to socialising especially with new people. I tend to not speak at first and only gesturing to avoid having to properly talk unless necessary. I struggle anxiety and extreme hyper-empathy (I feel emotions a lot more intensely than most people would). It’s not hard to get me very overwhelmed either so I do find it difficult to talk to others, but I do get along better with those who are a lot more extroverted and will open up more with people like that! Over time I tend to come more out of my shell and I’m very loving and compassionate!

I’m not the smartest, and can be pretty oblivious (i.e. with romantic advances) and need most things to be said to me at face value or I usually won’t understand, or it’ll go over my head.. And to which, I have my head in the clouds most of the time, always day-dreaming and that causes me to be uncoordinated or clumsy.. Which my short attention span doesn’t help with at all!

(It’s taken me a few hours to actually sit and write this ‘cus I keep getting distracted, haha!)

Despite my initial shyness, I have the tendency to be very loud and childish around people I like/want to impress, and won’t think much when I do this, which leads me to embarrass myself rather often. My love language comes in gifts or words of affirmation and I’m over the top lovey-dovey, but I instantly fluster if they’re returned. I’m very much so teased for how easy I am to embarrass.

I’m creative and absolutely adore most forms of fiction, taking mass amounts of inspiration from it for what I make! I’m a writer, artist and a singer in my free-time! (I love to sing for others or draw others, do anything to just show off my talent to make others happy!)

I really enjoy impressing with my ideas and their originality, and adore nothing more than when I get to talk about what I love; but sometimes I overshare or talk too much and can be unsure where to stop.

I guess overall I would do better with someone who doesn’t mind how 'eccentric’ I am? (I’m often bullied for these “strange” qualities) And someone who’s more outgoing than me? That aside, I don’t mind anything else, but I do have a type for guys who are a lot taller than me, haha!

I hope this isn’t too much, but thank you so much for reading, and if you accept this request! I really tried my hardest with this 'cus I really like this blog!

Waah, thank you again! I hope you have a nice day!

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

Hello @eggedeggs and thank you so much for requesting with us! I am sososososos sorry this got out so late, but I truly hope that you enjoy this!

>Admin 𝕋

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

𝐼 𝓈𝒽𝒾𝓅 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓌𝒾𝓉𝒽...

 Alphonse Elric! So, the reasons as to why I matched you up with Alphonse is because i really like the idea of having someone who looks so basic with someone who looks so cool, you! I feel like Alphonse, being the accepting person that he is will have no reservations being with someone so outspoken in the way you show yourself to the world. Hopefully that makes sense, but ultimately Alphonse will ultimately be fascinated with how you look, cool hair and lolita style and all! 

You aren’t the only person who is a little timid at first, Alphonse is just as timid, but as had time to adjust to it. He could be someone that could help you with your shyness and being timid! He understands the feeling, he knows how it feels to be shy towards others, so he will know how to help you feel more confident! And when you feel overwhelmed about meeting new people, he will pull you to he side and make sure that you okay, make sure that you feel calm until you can socialize again, and if you can’t then he will take you some place that will help you feel better! He also loves that you are so compassionate and he especially loves watching you come out of your shell when you are comfortable around people! SO with that in mind, Alphonse will do everything in his power to make you feel comfortable so that he can see you being the bubbly and eccentric person you are!

Alphonse would notice your love of fiction, how you are always reading or writing; so he’ll sometimes go into town and look the various shops to see if they have a new fiction book or if they have someone writing utensils that would suit you and your creative endeavors! He is very attentive to stuff that really makes you happy, so when he sees something that make your smile the brightest, Alphonse will never hesitate to get it for you, no matter the cost!

All in all, I feel that Alphonse will be the best fit for you in the fullmetal universe because he is attentive, loves how you express, yourself, understands your shyness and how sometimes being around people really overwhelms you! He will love every bit of you from head to toe. He isn’t really the most outgoing person, but for you, he will do his best to be the man of the party!

Tanjiro! Okay, so you and Tanjiro! It’s just *Chef’s kiss*! Tanjiro is a pretty outgoing guy with a love for friends and family that compares to no other! And you not be an exception to that! He would love you cute clothes, your cool Indigo hair, and your amazing hourglass figure! 

Tanjiro would be understanding about your shyness around other people, though wouldn’t personally understand it himself. But that won’t stop him from trying to make sure that you feel comfortable around his friends and such! And oh boy, once you do get comfortable enough to show all of them your funny confident side, Tanjiro’s eyes will become literal hearts for you! He will fin d it extremely endearing when you talk about things that you love and things that give you inpiration! And just as Alphonse will do, Tanjiro will find things that will help you get more inspirations and more motivation to be creative!

Tanjiro will notice that you are a bit floaty, in the sense that you get distracted a lot, which is perfectly fine for him, he is the kind of person that has dealt with that and knows how to help you back to the grounds of reality! But sometimes, Tanjiro will let you do you thing, whatever it may be, from thinking about something else entirely or maybe just letting you stay in your daydream! He mostly does it because he the look on your face whenever you go into your little dreamland intrigues. He always wonders what you are thinking about whether it be your next project or something about the flowers in the garden! He just likes staring and watching, his heart beating rapidly because of how cute it is!

He would love if you were to tell him your ideas, run it by him so that he can be a part of the creative adventure! Tell him about a new book you want to write or maybe a piece of art that you want to paint! And if by chance, the painting would be a portrait of him, he will smile and excitedly pose for the painting! He wants to be there every step of the way even if he doesn’t really know what is going on!

All in all, I feel like you and Tanjiro would make a fantastic couple! He will help you get out of your shell a little but, but still support you when you need to be a lone to recharge! He will be there for you when you have amazing ideas for a book or a picture that you want to make! Tanjiro will be the one to make you feel confident and feel great about yourself with how much love he will shower on you! So make sure to give some of that love back to him!

Vulcan! So, I chose Vulcan purely for the aesthetic, like come on. You have this amazing lolita look going on with the cool hair and the and the nice sense if style mixed in with his tattoos and rocker look, and his hair and iron personality, it just makes so much sense to pair you up with him! His personality is outgoing, loud, and rambunctious. It’s something that can really combat your shy demeanor in a good way. The way you see him conversing with other people, they way he would make you feel comfortable around because he is with you will help you tremendously! He will make sure you will never feel overwhelmed ever again, and knowing him he will most likely try to fight that overwhelming feelings himself. On another note, I feel that out of all three of these guys, Vulcan would be the most into your body! He wou0d loves the curves and just, the way you look in clothing, he just love it so much! 

As for your floaty mind and your daydreaming, he would find it a extremely endearing and kind of irritating at times, but mostly endearing. What makes it irritating for him is when you do it for too long and you accidentally fall and hurt yourself or something along those lines. He just doesn’t want you to hurt yourself! He also doesn’t want you to forget things, but he would learn to live with it by putting little notes all around your shared space, making sure that you don’t forget at least the important things, such as doctors appointments or  bills that need to be paid! 

Vulcan will be the type to constantly want to embarrass you, so if you show him any affection and he returns then sees you get all flustered by his affections, you will be in for a long ride! He will shower you in hugs and kisses just to see how red you can get! Is it mean? Yes, but does he really care? No, not when you look so cute when you are blushing! He can’t handle it! But he does it cause he loves you, and if anything it is more of an excuse to give you more hugs and kisses!

On another note, he will be absolutely love how creative you are! I mean, look at him, you and Vulcan can do wonders to the worlds with both of your creative minds working together! So, all in all, I think that you and Vulcan would make a fantastic couple in the fire force universe. He will treat you spectacularly, with care and with lots of love! So make sure you give him your all too!

Some black youtubers I like you can support

So I’m not a very big blog. Obviously. But I figured what little influence I have I can use to direct people in this time to some underrated black creators I like since I spend all my time watching YouTube and feel free to add as always. Also this was originally supposed to be in order of sub count but that didn’t work out at all.

1. Jarvis Johnson.

Probably one of the most popular creators on this list with over 1 million subscribers but extremely funny and if you haven’t heard of him and you like comedic Cody Ko-esque commentary videos, go give him a sub. He’s reacted to many of the same channels Danny Gonzalez and Drew Gooden have such as Troom Troom and 5 Minute Crafts. He’s also a software engineer which is pretty badass.

2. Lana Summer.

Does mainly fashion and hair related videos but is very chill and easy to listen to. Sometimes I like to put on her videos while I’m doing things even though I 100% have straight hair and she does mostly curly hair tutorials. But she’s covered a large umbrella of beauty topics in her videos and if you’re the least bit feminine it’s highly possible she’s covered at least one topic that’ll be useful to you. She’s very pretty (lowkey crushing on her) and lovely and I enjoy her channel a lot.

3. The Curly Guy.

A highly underrated channel that does content similar to Lana’s but for guys! He’s a guy with long, curly hair and talks about how to take care of it. I am always here for nontoxic male positivity and getting more guys involved in taking care of their appearance. It’s very sweet to watch. He’s also reviewed bad hair products which we all like to watch bad reviews of things on YouTube, right, and once pierced his ears at home. So. Idk about you but that sounds great to me.

4. Jolie K.

We’ve got some black queer representation in here! She’s a queer woman who makes videos about queer women. She hasn’t uploaded in a minute but I think she’s still worth supporting. She’s done some cool story times about being gay as well as some beauty stuff.

5. Honest.

Honest is a drama channel run by a black guy who talks about drama between music artists and sometimes youtubers. He’s not only a black person in the drama side of YouTube but he’s a black man in the drama side of YouTube two demographics that feel excluded from that world. If you do like drama videos like Teaspill, it’s cool to support a POC in that world. I can’t say I agree with everything he says but that’s drama channels for you.

6. Ranting Minority.

This guy’s super new and super underrated! He makes spicy political content, is extremely eloquent and chill, which makes him good to listen to, and is a leftist. If you can’t stop watching left-tubers like I can’t, I would totally recommend this guy. He makes videos on racial and societal issues from a liberal and anti conservative perspective. He has less than a thousand subscribers, so I’d highly advise giving him a sub.

7. MacDoesIt

So this guy is also one of the more popular on here. Basically if you watch any LGBTQ+ content on YouTube at all he pops up. He’s like the Strange Æons of the mlm community in that respect. He’s super funny, does reaction videos, does some very comedic red carpet fashion reviews, just if you haven’t subbed to MacDoesIt, what are you doing?

8. Kat Blaque.

Kat Blaque has been under fire for certain opinions before, but all in all she’s a good leftist, political youtuber who is also a black trans woman. She does videos on LGBT+ issues, racial issues, lots of other things, and is a smart, beautiful lady. Basically you can’t be a political youtuber without being controversial so, decide for yourself if you wanna support her, I personally do. Also I am not a trans woman but I know trans women who have said she helped them figure out certain things, so that’s good.

9. Rickey Thompson

A black gay comedian who does story times and random funny videos. I also think he’s an ex viner. I’m only a comedic fan of this one but I do know he’s very handsome and I came from his LGBT+ story times. Just someone you might wanna check out. He’s kind of like Mac in some ways just like. Much chiller.

10. WiseJae

I love how this is a mix of semi popular youtubers and super obscure youtubers I like for very specific reasons. WiseJae is a very small youtuber with a little over a thousand subs last time I checked but she does videos about jobcorps and trade school and has recently started making videos about college. So basically. A cool guide for how to get your life started if you’re a young, low income adult or late teen. She’s also got a very pretty accent, soothing voice and . . . is just so fucking beautiful . . . so. So gorgeous. So like. If you’re like. 18. And you’ve been thinking about a place like jobcorps but don’t know how to start. I would say her channel would be the first place I’d go for information.

11. NotYourMommasHistory

I actually love historical fashion. And this black woman named Cheyney is a historical reenactor with a focus on African and African-American history, and often overlooked part of history and fashion history in general. She’s done stuff like historical head wraps and similar as well as talked about serious issues like sexual harassment. Most recently she did a video on white people misrepresenting Martin Luther King Jr. Basically if you like channels like Rachel Maksy, Bernadette Banner, or our meme mom Karolina Żebrowska, you’ll probably like her. Or maybe you’re just curious about African history. That’s cool too.

12. Rebranding Autism.

Black autistic rep! Jen is a black autistic woman who talks about autism, the struggles she’s faced and she was literally sent to the notoriously abusive Judge Rotenberg center and talked about the atrocities committed there. She’s amazing and has also made vlogs about her life, made advice videos on mental health that are relatable for many people not just people with autism specifically, tho certainly those too. She also makes music.

13. Tater Tatiana

Small youtuber who is in the anti Onision community. She reviewed Onision’s shitty books. She writes, does drama videos and does beauty videos as well. She read Onision fanfiction on her channel, Lilee Jean tried to take down her channel and she bounced back. I highly recommend the channel, I love Tatiana and I’ve loved watching her channel grow these last few years.

So, that’s my list, will definitely add more later, I hope this didn’t come off as pandering or me thinking black people are charity cases, which they aren’t, this is simply me, a white girl, trying to share some black creators I enjoy instead of just spouting my opinions on tumblr, since I come from a privileged place.