I believe in penny. She’s an unstoppable force.

You order a package off Amazon. When the Amazon delivery guy shows up to your door, instead of giving you the package you bought, he beats the shit out of you. Then, when he sees that you are not dead yet, he calls all of the Amazon delivery people in the area and they all proceed to beat the shit out of you. Miraculously, you survive. Another miracle: a friend in your neighborhood caught the assault on video. After a month of recovery and extensive hospital bills that you have no idea what to do with, the video has gone viral. You read the comments below. “This is what happens to people who fuck with Amazon!!!” Someone says. “I’ve never been beaten up by Amazon employees, and I’ve been using them all my life!” Someone else comments. Later, you start to see articles popping up about your story. They all mention that when you were 17, your license was revoked for reckless driving. In a Facebook post on your mom’s feed, someone is going on a rant about how not all Amazon delivery guys are bad, and that if you look really close, the “bad” ones are just stressed out. Your name is trending on Twitter. Jeff Bezos films a response to your attack, denouncing the video of you getting beaten to within an inch of your life by his employees as becoming “a symbol of hate towards Amazon.” The people who attacked you still deliver packages around your neighborhood. You saw one of them just yesterday as you were watering your plants. You still can’t pay your hospital bills. Your phone dings- Twitter again. “Maybe if you didn’t order from Amazon,” someone pipes up, “this wouldn’t have happened!”

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)

🎬 Peter Jackson

+ IMDb trivia

Flower

Doing short requests (<500w)! Request for all-the-way-through.

Feel free to drop requests in the replies or into my askbox. If you’d like a leave a tip for your own request or someone else’s, my tip jar is here.

Aven struggles in the bonds surrounding him, the vines as they curl and curve around his shoulders, around his neck, coiling around his breast, his belly. His pecs stick out with the pressure, his nipples feeling unusually sensitive as he breathes in more of the shimmering silver pollen that swirls on the air before his eyes.

The apothecary had said they would respond more aggressively if you struggled, and they do, coil around him very tightly as he shifts and moves in his place. When the first tip of the vine sinks into his arse, slick and immediate and pressing so deep into him he can’t believe it for a second, even though this is the point, even though he knew—

Aven can feel the apothecary’s eyes on him as the vines pull at his wrists and ankles and spread him wider against the wall, at the same time the two tentacles sink further into him, writhing as they find their way into his guts and at the same time thicken wider, another of them curling around his cock and squeezing at it, pulling at him. His skin is throbbing more and more, hot all over, even before two of them grasp his nipples and tug on each of them, pulling them out more. It’s making his chest throb, and he can feel his chest swelling, feel the skin stretching as his pecs plump up into tits.

Elf milk, the apothecary had said he wanted, that he’d pay for, elf milk, and to let his vines flower into the bargain, and when he’d laid the money on the table Aven hadn’t even hesitated before he’d started stripping off his clothes.

He doesn’t know the apothecary’s name, he realises, but he’s a handsome sort, has big dark eyes, pretty lips, a well-groomed beard, and Aven opens his mouth to ask, but what comes out is a moan as his tits flop forward, fattened up with milk and throbbing, heavy, aching, before the apothecary comes forward and attaches a little bottle with a suction cup onto each nipple and sets them to work. Aven howls out a noise, arching his back into the hard suck on each side, hearing the trickle and drip of the new milk out of his new tits, his cock bobbing hard between their bodies with the vine wrapped tight around it, its tip teasing the opening of his hole as if it’s going to sink inside him.

At the same time, he can feel the vines writhing in him, feel pre dripping out of his cock and his balls drawing up, feels so fucking full—

“Hey,” he manages to say through the haze of pleasure, “I don’t know your—"

He chokes, gagging, as the vines force their way up and out of his stomach, slide easily up his throat and pop out from between his teeth. He whines, writhing in place now entirely involuntarily, not because he means to.

“It’s alright, some of the vines are hollow – they’re designed to let you breathe. And when you breathe…”

Aven heaves in a wet gasp, tears on his cheeks, and then lets out a sharp howl as he feels the vines shift in his mouth, shift outside of his mouth, feels the buds widen and spread as they flower. His mouth feels like it’s been made into a fucking bouquet as the vines keep working their way through him, his gut a mess of shifting vines, moving under the skin.

“Can I suck you off?” the apothecary asks, and Aven gags again on the vines that are working through him, his thighs twitching, his arse and belly so full he feels like he might burst. “I’ll pay extra,” he adds.

Aven nods, which makes the vines in his throat bulge and shift more, and then groans as the apothecary drops to his knees and sucks Aven into his mouth in one smooth, easy motion.

A group of friends and I did a one shot recently in 5e. The catch is that they play something called “Dude Squad” where the only play “dudes” (not exclusively male people, just dude mentality) and they hate all magic and magic users. They think true strength is muscles and only muscles, and have in the past encountered magic users who they then convince to give up magic.

We got told to build a level 17 character for this one shot, most of the other folks had previous Dude Squad characters to resurrect. But I didn’t really want to play a straight martial class. In my heart, spellcasters are my true class, and I didn’t really have a strong idea of what kind of character to make.

So I approached the DM and said, “Hey, I have this idea to play a character that pretends to be a martial class but is actually a magic caster?” My girlfriends character is an aasimar who thinks he’s Thor and my backstory was that after meeting him and falling for him she decided to invest heavily in deceptive magic so as not to alienate him.

And my DM. Loved it. So he helped me build an extremely custom character. Two levels in Hexblade warlock gave her a good weapon and the ability to cast disguise self pretty much nonstop to appear buffer than she actually was.

Then there was four levels in Stone sorcerer in order to get 4 sorcery points, the ability to use those points to cast using Subtle Spell and no one could tell she’s casting, and to buff her AC.

Finally there was 11 Bladesong wizard levels in order to get some attack bonuses, even more AC, extra attacks, and the ability to burn spells to take less damage.

So the whole time I was burning spell slots to recharge my sorcery points every time I cast things like Haste and Spider Climb and use my Bladesong powers. We busted through walls and smashed our way through puzzles. We lied and said my character was a Barbarian/Monk so they didn’t bat and eye when she ran on walls with spider climb, but no one noticed when even after dashing she “held onto the stone wall” without any kind of check.

The final battle: the goblin wizard boss we were fighting had cast invulnerability on himself and had our friend mind controlled. So I’m trying to cover for not attacking as I try to dispel his invulnerability. I can no longer run on walls, or make the jumps my party is making on floating platforms over a spike pit so I try to use my actions on other helpful things like tying ropes for friends in the pit. I manage to dispel the magic on our friend but I burned almost all my spells trying to secretly dispel the boss’ spell and finally we just ended up grappling and suffocating him then pummeling him to death.

But at the last moment as we’re running out of this horrible goblin mansion I’m running down a wall and my friends are climbing down. The building says there’s 6 seconds left and my very injured love interest is not gonna make it so my character shouted “Fuckfuckfuck!” Ran over and cast dimension door to bring them both to safety. (Two people got left in the blast but both survived cause Dude Power). Then I critically failed my deception about how I had used magic and came clean and everyone lost their shit when they heard what we’d done. Her final confession, after dropping her buff disguise self, was, “When I met Kathor I really liked him and he freakin’ hates magic so I just kinda figured out how to hide that I was castin’ magic cause I though we might go to pound town.”

Kathor then declared, “I’ve never had someone try so hard to get in my pants!” And swept her up and they messily made out. It was deeply satisfying the wonders that DnD can create, like making a whole class based on the lie that you’re not spellcasting.

how do u pronounce ur name?

ive been sayin "jo-hans" (short a sound), but it just occurred to me that it could be "yo-hans" (long a sound)

we're not mutuals, so its super trivial, but names are really important in my culture so i wanted to get it right

It's Yo-han-ehz!

You can hear me say my name in this presentation about Crimson Peak, for the avoidance of doubt:

"why are you dressed like a minion?" "you look like a minion" "where is gru?" and other such demands made of me, an innocent

My friend’s little brother (non-verbal) used to hide people’s shoes if he liked the person, because it meant they had to stay longer. The more difficult it was to find your shoes, the more he liked you.

One day my cousin came over, and she was a bitch. When it was time to leave, my friend’s brother handed her shoes directly to her and she went on and on about how he must have a crush on her because he only “helped” her.

Genuinely I think one of the best things you can do to build characters in your story is give them a kink. You do not have to put that kink in the story. You do not have to tell anyone but yourself. But thinking about their wants and needs and what would bring them comfort or desire, about whether they crave power or crave a situation where they're blessedly free from any power, about which taboo they might kind of want to cross, is really useful for getting inside their head. Also "what situation would make my character stupid horny enough to make a terrible mistake?" is a good plotting device. "It's a plot hole that they made that dumb decision" no they were just whistling like a lustful kettle and forgot to turn their brain on.

Hoisted

whenever i'm trying to talk myself out of buying something i don't need i always hear my old russian professor's voice echoing in my head: "WHAT??? WILL YOU DIE THE RICHEST MAN IN THE GRAVEYARD?" and then i make an unwise financial decision

the fact that kobolds seem to be this more "animalistic" race, with kuro talking in broken language and like improper grammar. this, coupled with the fact that he seems unaware of the fact that he's being exploited by mick, makes kobolds appear to be less intelligent than other races.

but we actually find out that the simple speech patterns are in fact due to common being kuro's second language. and in a scene where kabru talks to kuro in his native language, it's actually kabru with the simple speech patterns.

we even learn that kuro seems to actually have a much better understanding of his situation with mick than we first imagine. merely wanting to stay with them so they can have someone who they can feel relaxed around.

this, coupled with a bunch of other things, really makes dungeon meshi stand out from other fantasy media. there are no "dumb" or "evil" races, they're all just people.

aotearoa friends: i’m writing a submission to parliament against the fast-track approvals bill using forest and bird’s guide. if anyone wants me to send them my submission i’m happy to, you can change name/personal details and submit it yourself as well. submissions have to be made by the end of the week

this is such an awful fucking bill that would have terrible, long-term impacts on our environment. the more submissions we have, the better!

with the news Gumroad is going to be cracking down on nsfw content due to payment processor pressure, reminder that itch.io is mostly known for games but explicitly allows books/zines/etc too and many nsfw creators swear by them as a host for their paid works. (with the caveat that they do limit this to nsfw content that is fictional, not eg irl porn work, among other content requirements; the full policy is here.)

itch.io is especially noteworthy because their approach to creator/platform split is incredibly flexible; you as the creator choose the split. you can in fact choose to take 100% and give itch.io nothing, only losing out on any payment processor fees. obviously itch does need people to choose to share some revenue with them to continue going, but if you as a creator need to retain your profits to keep going, you can set it wherever you like and itch honours that. and as itch has a culture of people choosing to set it above zero because the community wants to keep it going, if you need to reduce their cut, it's an option!

itch isn't as popular as a platform to share non-game works so promoting your stuff elsewhere is important for visibility. but as someone who regularly buys both comics and books off there, it is very, very viable. here is a basic 101 guide:

now: itch uses the same payment processors that prompted the gumroad changes, and may at some point be challenged on the same grounds. it's not inherently a safe haven. but itch.io has historically made its commitment to working to keep nsfw content viable on its platform clear (look up the epic store apple lawsuit nonsense sometime; it didn’t result in a nsfw ban despite everything) and as of now is still small and niche enough they are not getting challenged the way larger, more generally popular sites like gumroad are; they are not trying to be a big commercially viable site, just stable enough to keep trucking, so they are less likely to be subject to that much scrutiny, or cave to it.