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hxneydreamers · 3 years

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Hello, could u share your journey in the law of assumption and how u started and what progress you've made till now, what you had trouble with at first and how you resolved them, and finally what concepts made everything click for you and made manifestinf super easy like being on a roll for you? And thank you for starting this cool blog 😊

Hey! I'd love to!

I'll first point out that I am still learning and whilst I am here to help people manifest, I am learning alongside you! I want you to know that I am very well educated on the law of assumption, and I am also currently manifesting an SP. I have manifested lots of things in the past (like traveling, meeting a celebrity crush, as well as multiple specific people including my current SP), but I never really pushed through because I never properly tried. I was always on and off my game for a number of reasons, so I would receive my manifestations, but not in full, and this was all because of my self-doubt and self-concept.

I first discovered manifesting with the Law Of Attraction a few years ago after watching the documentary 'The Secret'. I had NEVER EVEN HEARD about manifesting before, and I felt like it was a bit far fetched.

For a very long time, I was extremely non-religious, I didn't believe in God or magic, the afterlife, spirits, fate, NOTHING! I was the biggest non-believer out there. When I watched 'The Secret' I tried to simply change my attitude to be positive as much as I could so I would only attract positive things in my life, and I noticed it worked for a little while, but it wasn't anything significant. I pretty much forgot all about manifesting very quickly, because I never took it seriously.

The next year one of my friends was obsessed with the law of attraction and twin flames and all that spiritual stuff, and she was trying to convert me a bit. I was intrigued by the concept, but I didn't really believe in any of it at all. I just liked making vision boards with her for fun. I never took any of it seriously.

My friend made me go to a psychic with her for fun one day and I resisted and said no, but I eventually gave in because I got curious. Seeing this psychic was extremely earthshaking. I won't go into detail about my experience with her, but some things happened that pretty much changed my view of life and way of thinking. I was much more open to the possibility of things like manifesting.

A year ago, 2 people close to me sadly passed away. I felt very lost and I spent many nights awake and I stumbled across 'Sammy Ingram' on youtube and discovered the Law Of Assumption. I began to binge watch her videos and I did sooooooo much research about the law. I was immediately obsessed.

I started manifesting text messages and instant replies and dates so easily because I was so excited about it and felt no doubt that it would work.

I had success manifesting an internship, consistent shifts at work/consistent money flow and other money manifestations, I manifested dating a specific person (but I ended it for natural reasons), I manifested another specific person literally within a night, just to see if I could do it, and I manifested my current specific person as well (we have a past).

After these successes, I ended up having to deal with some personal issues with my grief for a while, as well as finish my studies, AND my internship, which took my mind off manifesting, and as a result, I manifested negative circumstances in many areas of my life, because I let myself spiral.

I won't tell you the old story too much, because I don't want to revisit it, but basically, for years I had been stuck in a cycle of being abandoned. I felt unlovable and my self-esteem was quite low. All of these beliefs were reflected in many ways, and I was constantly worrying about everything. My internship became toxic and I wanted to leave, my relationship also ended temporarily, and my self-concept was very very very bad!

I felt like I was obsessing over everything in my life going wrong and I wanted to manifest my SP because I thought that he would fix everything, but by putting him on the pedestal I was stalling.

As soon as all this happened, I was of course upset, HOWEVER, I had suffered so much loss at that point that I was determined to make sure that I turned my life around. So I decided to manifest ending my internship naturally, rather than me leaving or being dismissed.

I started visualizing a conversation with my superior where they told me that something came up and we would have to pause the internship.

Literally, two weeks later, he met up with me and told me this exactly, and he said that the decision was ultimately up to me if I wanted to continue later or not. So I said that the timing would not work with my studies, and I successfully manifested leaving the internship naturally.

Next, my SP.

- I literally went to sleep every single night repeating my affirmations.

- I affirmed every single day, I affirmed through tears and I affirmed with my friends. EVERY CHANCE I GOT!

- I started affirming from a place of peace, indifference, faith, and trust that it would work out

A week later we were back together again.

My struggles with the law were mostly that:

- I KEPT CHANGING MY AFFIRMATIONS

- I was on and off my mental diet

- I kept looking for confirmation in the 3D

- I kept repeating the old story

- I focused too much on my SP and not enough on me

About 2 months ago, I had a breakthrough where I decided I needed to completely change everything in my life to put myself in control.

- I started listening to music that made me feel extremely happy and would watch movies and shows that put me in a great mood

- I decided to pick my affirmations and stick with them NO MATTER WHAT!

- I started having a better mental diet, and I noticed results immediately

- I started being able to say 'I don't care what I see, I'm getting my manifestation, and genuinely feeling relaxed and peaceful about it

Once I shifted the focus onto myself and even took some space from my SP, I felt amazing 24/7 and my mental diet was practically perfect.

He has started implying that we are a couple, I don't feel needy, and don't even text him much anymore, he is the one chasing me and constantly blowing up my phone. He is constantly asking to see me, begging me even. He initiates ALL CONTACT NOW! Finally, the whole tone of our relationship has changed and our interactions have been extremely amazing! I have never felt so confident in myself and I can see it reflected in how he treats me.

I manifested him in steps to build our relationship to this point, and I didn't want to begin manifesting commitment until I felt my self-concept was perfect, as I want a healthy relationship with him. Now I am finally beginning to manifest the final stage: official commitment, and I am certain that I will get it!

My biggest tip based on my own experience is to:

- Persist in the same affirmations.

- Do not affirm from a place of desperation and lack

- Keep yourself busy and prioritize yourself and your life, they must reflect this and prioritize you as well

- Trust that it is done and don't check the 3D for confirmation

- If you started having negative thoughts, PERSIST! Do not be discouraged!

- If you know that you have been doing everything right, but suddenly everything feels wrong and your negative thoughts are coming out all at once and/or the 3D looks like shit, you could be in a transition period. THIS JUST MEANS THAT YOU ARE FINALLY GETTING RID OF THE OLD BELIEFS AND YOUR MANIFESTATION IS REALLY CLOSE! SO PERSIST THROUGH THIS!

So for whoever is reading this, please remember that I am here to help you, AND I am on this journey with you! We are all human and none of us is perfect!

I'll share updates on future manifestations in the future, but this is my story so far and my current manifestation in progress!

I will probably make a post in the future about past manifestations such as celebrity crush and travel etc.

#manifest #manifesting #manifestation #law of assumption #neville goddard #affirm #affirmations #persist #self love #self concept #self worth #healing #spirituality #law of attraction

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kazimakuwabara · 3 years

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A Name (Part 9)

Previous chapter HERE

By the time Kuwabara was walking about, he was pretty sure he’d come to understand at least a little bit of the old Kuwabara and Yusuke’s relationship. They were rivals, and then friends; as thick as thieves and then brothers. And once Yusuke and Kuwabara were talking more, Kurama was around more, followed by Hiei.

It was as if Yusuke and Kuwabara clicked back together, had helped ease some of the tension between them all.

There was a nervous energy in the group, and few things that Kuwabara was sure he was doing wrong... or at least not how they expected him to behave.

There was some unknown tension behind Kuwabara’s former, and renewed friends when he did certain things. Kuwabara’s aversion to the cats seemed to shock people in silence. The mentioning of getting rid of his arm and his disinterest in resuming training seemed to also stir a pot of negative emotions, and would often make Hiei disappear again.

“Is that little one always so grumpy?” Kuwabara asked Kurama and Yusuke.

Their response was to look at each other and howl with laughter.

“What?” Kuwabara demanded. He sagged against a post of the shrine, and waved his unhindered arm in the air, “The little guy buzzes off anytime something offends him I think! And I’ve no idea what offends him!”

“Who does!” Yusuke admitted with a snort, “He’s short tempered.”

“Pot calling the kettle,” Kurama muttered, and he and Kuwabara laughed.

Kuwabara had only been told stories, but Kuwabara could imagine it. Yusuke with his smart ass attitude, and his punkish air.

“Hiei is what I would call a Tsundere,” Kurama said with an air of great knowing.

Yusuke choked, and bent over so he could laugh, while Kuwabara could only squint at Kurama.

“A what?”

Kuwabara’s question made Yusuke fall to the ground, where he flopped on his back gasping, “No! No! I’ll die!”

Kurama grinning mischievously shrugged, “Let’s just say he acts like a temperamental cat. When you give him attention he leaves, but if you don’t give him attention he comes running back. He is a handful of a friend, but a good one to have.”

Kuwabara chuckled, and watched Kurama and Yusuke laughed. When they seemed to be settle down, Kuwabara cleared his throat, “By the way. The Path, and the Áine Sovereign Blade... where are they now?”

Kurama and Yusuke’s expressions soured a little, and they both sighed.

“You don’t need to worry about it,” Yusuke said a little snappishly.

“The mirror and sword are both returned to their rightful owners,” Kurama said, his smile also tight.

“So locked up with Koenma then?” Kuwabara asked.

“The Path is,” Yusuke sighed, “But the sword is returned to who we borrowed it from. Some...” Yusuke waved a hand around, “Some Irish baby Prince or what not in Ireland.”

“A Fae Prince,” Kurama said, “The one day ruler of a hidden part is Ireland. They are the owners of the sword. We borrowed it from them, and so we’ve returned it.”

“What’s a Fae?” Kuwabara asked.

“A fairy or somethin’ like it,” Yusuke answered, and then with a grin, “Like in a kid’s story.”

“To the human world a Fae is a magical creature,” Kurama spoke over Yusuke, shooting him a sardonic look, “But to demons, they are just a different type of demon, more in tuned to nature. With trickery, illusion... and games. They know how to have fun I assure you.”

“So, a fae is like a demon?” Kuwabara checked.

“Is a demon... just a different type,” Kurama said smiling. “I myself am a Fae. It’s just my class of demon, much like Yusuke is a Mazoku.”

“And Hiei is a Koorime?” Kuwabara asked.

Judging by Kurama going pale, and Yusuke’s mortification he’d misspoken.

“No, no... they are not that. He’s not. It’s different,” Kurama hurried to explain.

“So he’s not the same as Yukina?” Kuwabara further asked.

“Kuwabara,” Yusuke was on his feet, and he reached out to touch Kuwabara’s good arm, “Hiei and Yukina’s situation... it’s not our place to tell you. But the Koorime... they’re a bunch of fuckin’ douche bags. Monster assholes-”

“Who, Hiei would really not like to be associated with,” Kurama interrupted loudly. With kind eyes he muttered, “The Koorime hurt Hiei and Yukina in different but painful ways. But-”

“It’s not your business to share with me,” Kuwabara sighed grimly, “I’ll be careful not to say it again in front of him.” Kuwabara pursed his lips and the carefully asked, “...And asking would be bad right?”

“Right!” Kurama and Yusuke bother exploded.

Kuwabara chuckled, awkwardly cleared his throat, “So about the sword-”

“Why do you ask about it? You don’t ever have to worry about it again,” Kurama said firmly, Yusuke nodding his head in firm agreement.

Kuwabara titled his head, “...I’m not sure why I’m asking about it. I just think I need a little more information it.”

“Really you don’t need to worry about it,” Kurama said, “Everything is returned and things will be as they should be.”

“Yeah. It’s not something you have to think about it, ever again.” Yusuke said firm and bitter, “Fucking sword and a stupid mirror. Causing all this...”

The air grew tense.

Yusuke looked away from Kuwabara, and Kuwabara felt even more awkward.

“Let’s just focus on getting you back up to snuff Kuwabara,” Yusuke said with a grin that was not an honest smile, “You promised six months ago you had a new technique that would knock me flat on my back at the Makai tournament--set three months from now. And I’d like to see you get better, and get this all resolved. I’d like you to keep that promise.”

Kuwabara smiled too, and it was as dishonest as Yusuke’s if not worse.

But he dropped the conversation of the sword, not really sure how to broach the subject with his old, but also new, friends... They were still missing the original Kazuma Kuwabara.

The person the current Kuwabara, wondered if he was. Ever could be.

Kuwabara kept these thought to himself, all the way until bed time. Other thoughts followed in natural order. How much did the others miss Kazuma Kuwabara? Would they always hope Kuwabara would get his memories back? Would be be able to? Did... he... want to? Want to be what they expected?

The cat Eikitchi, chirped in his lap.

Kuwabara blinked startled.

He hadn’t realized she’d gotten in his lip, and that his was running a hand down her warm body as if it was something he’d always known to do.

He stroked her again, and she chirped again, and then purred. Her arms reached for Kuwabara’s wrist, and she tugged his forearm to her. She ran a rough tongue over his thumb, and then purred very loudly.

“Oh... do you like me?”

She blinked slowly up at him.

“Even if I’m not him? You’re orgional owner? Even if I’m not...” Kuwabara sighed, “Even if I’m not the real Kuwabara?”

She purred so loud, Kuwabara’s arm was getting a gentle massage from her reverberating body.

“It means she liked you, and you’re still Kuwabara, you absolute moron!” Hiei’s harsh voice said over Kuwabara’s shoulder.

Kuwabara squawked in startled fright, and jerked around to see Hiei standing behind Kuwabara at his bedside, looking at Kuwabara impatiently.

Eikitchi made a sound like an annoyed hiss, and flicked a tail at Hiei. Stretched. And then hopped from the bed and Kuwabara’s back, and trotted from the room.

“H...Hiei?”

“It’s my understanding... you want to know more about the Áine Sovereign Blade,” Hiei said casually, not bothering to exaplin how or why he was in Kuwabara’s room. Or how he knew about the information Kuwabara had been trying to pry from his other two reluctant friend.

“You... you’ll tell me about it?” Kuwabara asked a little hopefully.

“I’ll take you to the blasted thing if you need,” Hiei answered shortly, and with an evil grin, “I’ll even steal it for you if you like.”

Kuwabara grinned wide.

Yes.

Hiei was a good friend.

#KuwabaraBirthdayWeek #kazi fanfic #kuwabara #kazuma Kuwabara #Hiei #Yusuke #Kurama #got some good friend bits in here #ladygreyfist #I got a mention of a friend's oc who i'm gonna sneak in this story #he's a little love and I adore him #chapters will prolly slow down after this #i have two other lengthy stories i'm working on and i must update those. @-@#also.#GET YOU SOMEBODY LIKE HIEI #we all need that angry friend

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wordsusuallykeptinside · 3 years

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True North

The single greatest piece of advice my Father has even given me is, “No one is going to get you through this life but you.” He continued by telling me that all of the opinions of the other kids in high school, the losers, the weirdos, the popular kids, and even my friends, did not matter. The only person who could get me where I wanted to go in life was me. I had to do what was right for me. I think it’s safe to say that when we are in high school we are acutely and painfully aware that people around us have opinions about how we look, what we do or say and who we hang out with. Other people’s opinions at that time in our lives mean more to us than breathing. My father’s statement blew all of that a part and blew my mind in ways that I’m just starting to understand now in my 30s. He was right. None of those people had any bearing on my actual life. The bitchy girls’ opinions and dislike of me for reasons I still don’t fully understand had absolutely no weight on how my life unfolded. My choices made things happen for me, and consequentially my choices also made things not happen for me.

From then on I took that advice and sewed it into the very fabric of my being.What happened at first was that I carried a sort of, “I don’t give a fuck what you think” attitude. The ironic thing is, there still remained the Ego that very much cared what people thought. My mind always had to argue back and forth about if something mattered or it didn’t. I would weigh the options, analyze the data in front of me, and make a decision: “nope, I don’t care what people will think about this” or “yes, I very much care what people will think of this so let’s put it in the right light”.

My late teens to early 20’s were gong show of caring either too much or too little. I either gave all my fucks away or I had absolutely zero. There was rarely a middle ground. That, I found, can lead to poor decision making. When you’re too polar about things and it all kind of crumbles into people really not knowing what to think of you so they mostly just shun you.This lead to me to get to know my “inner knowing”.That’s the thing I call my gut feeling (and I’m pretty sure Glennon Doyle does too), you know, that ”YES this is absolutely what I need to do” feeling. A fact of life is that every once and while you gotta make clear decisions for yourself if you want to honor that very special inner knowing inside of you. It was in this stage of my life that I got tired of the polar madness and followed that inner knowing big-time.

I had gone to University only to find out that the culture brought out parts of myself I really didn’t like and that that form of education was not for me. I’m not into paying an obscene amount of money to learn how to write one helluva essay, study a professor’s thesis, and on my downtime drink myself into oblivion. So I quit. I dropped out and made the first decision solely for myself with zero inkling as to what was next. Well, what happened next was that I followed my inner knowing and moved to Alberta to be with my then boyfriend, now husband. At the time people thought I was absolutely coo-coo. Like totally bat-shit crazy. If I had listened to them, I’m quite certain I would still be living in my hometown. And to be completely honest, I’m really not sure where I would have ended up. But my inner knowing what telling me that this was a time where I couldn’t give a shit what they thought. I had to do this for me to get me where I needed to be. It was that decision that rooted my life in such a way that I got to find out so much more about myself.

I have been in Alberta for 14 years now. In that time I have tried to be a Nutritional Consultant, Pharmacy Assistant, Sales Associate, Health Coach, MLM Star (that was a yucky period), Sign and T-Shirt Maker, and Yogi Extraordinaire. I tried all of those not because I was trying to be someone else but because I was trying to find what was “reasonable”. What I found was through all of those careers I was learning about myself. I’m sure there are people who think I’m flaky, that I can’t stick to anything, or that I am unfocused. But I think I was brave enough to try something that I thought I really might like, to let my creativity shine, or learn something new. Now I know that it was all a process to find way back to my real purpose.

Here’s the thing, the more you try and fail, the more you will learn about yourself. Success rarely gives you any pearls of knowledge and it rarely teaches you anything about yourself. I don’t think I was ever learning when things were going really well for me. I was learning when I had to figure out how I was going to pick myself back up and try again or try something completely different. I truly believe trying new things really adds to the fabric of your being. It gives you more texture.

What I’ve learned so far is that I am a creative person. I am someone who has to make things and put them out into the world. I don’t like following other people’s rules and I don’t like making money for someone else before me. I want to be in control of my life, my time, and what I put my focus or energy into. Those are my bottom lines. And I feel nothing empowers all of those things more than writing. I think the written word is the lifeblood to all of it. So.. I’m writing. I’m calling myself a writer. God, that feels good to say! I am a writer and I am finally putting my energy into the thing I have loved for oh, so long. I think my first diary was at 12. I started writing poetry at 13 or so, and I took every writing class I could until University. Along with drama/theatre, writing has been a longtime love affair that I just couldn’t let myself commit to because I was too busy listening to others tell me that it wasn’t the “reasonable” career. And there it was...the thing I listened to without fully realizing it. A dumb opinion. It was subtle don’t you think? That life-changing negative narrative. So subtle that I didn’t fully comprehend what I was doing until recently It was that narrative that I cared about too much. I gave way to many fucks away to that narrative and I steered away from my own True North.

I, like so many other people, let go of the things I loved because I believed when I was told that it wasn’t the “logical choice”.

“There’s no way you can make real money doing that!”

“You’ll be a starving artist.”

… and most dreadfully, “That’s not a career that will get you anywhere in life.”

I bought into it totally forgetting my father’s words. When all along I should have trusted in myself and my abilities. Instead of trusting my inner knowing, I wrapped myself in someone else’s belief that I should find something else to fulfill me. That lead to a lot of searching in the wrong directions. But in some weird way, it also lead to me back the truth of who I am. With every new thing that I tried and failed at, I took off a layer of false expectations. With every new avenue I traveled, I found out that I had capabilities that I didn’t know were there and that I am stronger than I ever believed.

It’s taken me until now to get this all somewhat figured out. Hind-sight really is 20/20, folks. Trust me when I say I’ve analyzed this one to death. But It’s really as simple as following that inner knowing and not listening to the naysayers. Not listening to the doubt that your Ego can fill you with. Trial and error will teach you more about yourself than never trying. It will also teach you how to really listen to your own inner knowing because that’s the thing that will guide you to the path that is best for you.

Now, I stand in my life knowing more about myself than I ever have (due to those trial and errors) and knowing my father’s words still ring true. No one is going to get me through this life but me. So I will write and I will love myself through whatever mistakes I make along the way, but I will be happy because it’s what I really, really want to do. There’s something exciting about living and “unreasonable” or “illogical” life. What will I write about? The simple answer is I’m not sure. But it’s quotes like this that make me feel really good about my journey:

“Nobody is rooting for you to fail.”

You may succeed. You may fail. But, for the most part, nobody cares one way or the other.

This is good. The world is big and you are small, which means you can chase your dreams with little worry for what people think.” - James Clear

#writing #truthoflife #true north #figuringmyshitout #jamesclearquote #writer #writers on tumblr #mywriting #superreal #truth #mytruth #writeit #my story

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fizzypunks · 4 years

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its a date but its not a date

fandom: My Hero Academia/ Boku No Hero Academia word count: 3.8k/oneshot rating: t summary: hizashi takes shouta to a little festival and insists its not a date... just pure fluff bc <3

ship: Aizawa Shouta/ Hizashi Yamada | Erasermic

note: this reads better in AO3 because it keeps formatting for italics, which tumblr does not!

AO3

___

Yamada Hizashi wasn’t a timid person – it wasn’t even a quirk thing, it was just his nature, and it was something he was proud of. Sure, he’d been called loud and obnoxious, and some have been less than kind about his quirk when it’s gotten out of control. His quirk control wasn’t great for a very long time, but none of what he’d been called or heard had really changed the way he carries himself, and that includes his extroverted nature.

He was, however, a panicked person, when it came to matters of interest .

Love.

Whatever .

And, because love was the one thing that made him think twice about what he says, what he does or doesn’t do, that has landed him in the exact predicament that he’s facing right now.

Hizashi tapped his pen against his essay, the half filled pages of his stationary blurring together into a mass of lines and half-assed penmanship. He’d been staring at it for the past five minutes, when he’d given up on trying to ignore his annoying problem.

Shouta .

It’s been getting harder to ignore the stupid pull of something he’s recently identified as yearning that comes every time he thinks of his best friend. Stronger than any hurricane gale, it pulls in every thought he has until there are no more to be had. Just Shouta, and his messy hair, and the eyes he thinks are pretty despite always being so blood-shot.

Hizashi groans, faintly feeling heat spill across his cheeks. “God, why must I be so fucked?”

It’s not like he’s even asking him out on a date – no, he’s not bold enough to do that in their last year and semester of school– there’s no need for distractions like that right now, whatever outcome may or may not come from it…. no, he’s just asking to take Shouta to the Autumn festival at the park, because Shouta should do something fun and get out of his room and not explode from stress.

The poor guy has been spending all his time studying and stressing and sleeping even less , so of course Hizashi would want to help his friend out and get him to relax.

Yeah, that’s what it was – one friend asking another friend out because stress is bad.

That doesn’t change the nervous skip in his heart right now, as he sits at his desk and thinks about…

Hizashi groans again, tipping back in his chair and hooking his foot against the back of his desk so that he’s less likely to tumble. Theoretically, at least.

Why does it feel so significant right now? He’d asked Shouta to do countless things with him! He’d gotten him to agree to go to the movies a bunch of times, and to a party or two, and, most recently, he’d even been able to rope him into going to a karaoke club! He didn’t sing, they left earlier than he’d planned, but Shouta had fun!

Hizashi narrowed his eyes at the white ceiling and the ceiling fan that whirled past his vision, playing with the very edge of the wooden panel that kept him from tumbling onto his carpet.

This wasn’t supposed to mean anything, but somehow it did.

It felt like a declaration, no matter how he phrased it in his head, and he doesn’t understand the logic behind it.

Fine. Whatever! I’ll just ask, and be blunt, and do it right before I leave so there’s no room for thinking, and it’ll be okay!

Something like, “Hey, Shouta, let’s go to this festival! It’ll be so much fun! PLUS, I think you’ll look cute sharing cocoa with me!”

Hizashi’s eyes widened, his foot slipped in that one moment of lost focus, and he fell –

“ Fuck!”

It was a little too loud, bordering on quirk use, but he had other problems to think about beside that .

He rubbed the back of his head.

“Man…”

If he can’t even imagine it the right way… how was he supposed to actually ask? It would be pretty stupid to try when he knew he could act a little too carelessly and, potentially, damage the good friendship they had going on.It was probably better left un-asked.

Unsaid, un-asked, and out of mind.

It was most certainly not out of mind, that is clear.

Shouta is sitting across from him, half-mast eyes scanning the copy of his English text book in a way that looked a lot more performative than informative. Their booth was tucked more toward the back of the cafe, and it would normally be a bit more secluded and quiet, but midterms brought students from the woodwork and into any coffee-scented establishment, which their happened to be.

What great luck.

All around them was the sound of machines grinding coffee, books being shifted around, and light conversation in between bouts of half-silences – and a heavy vale of constant movement that proved to be less than ideal for studying, despite all the students trying to do just that .

It was to be expected this time of year, but it was still enough to bother Shouta. He concentrated better with silence, and he happened to be struggling a lot more on English than he does on his other subjects.

Hizashi, thankfully, understood the material enough for the both of them and then some, and already finished his homework – the papers in front of him were notes, ready to be explained the moment Shouta needed it, with hand-writing that was still pretty bad but…

For Shouta, he’d made an effort. The result was somewhat-legible scribbles lining the papers, and when he referenced it, Shouta didn’t have to ask too many questions about, “what is this right here?”

“I’m not going to pass.”

Hizashi turned his eyes to Shouta, like he hadn’t been trying to find a reason to look at him longer. He was wearing a big, thick red scarf, which his hair was somewhat tucked into. He didn’t look up, he just kept his eyes on his text book. His irises weren’t moving on the page.

“Oh man, don’t say that! How’d you think you’re gonna pass if you don’t believe in yourself?”

“It’s because I don’t believe in myself.”

Hizashi grabbed his warm cocoa and took a sip, if only to busy his hands with something . “Shouta! I don’t like this type of negativity!”

“Well, you’ve chosen the wrong friendship then.”

“Or, maybe, the right one!”

Shouta looked up, and Hizashi held his gaze. His eyes had been given a break over the past few days of written work, so the redness that often lined them was almost completely gone.

His skin looked soft too…

His hair, it was fluffy and cute, also..

“Hizashi?”

He’d been staring and not talking and he leaned back into his seat like a magnet to metal. He started laughing, holding his drink up to his face. “Well, maybe I can cheer you up! What are friends for, right? And maybe it will turn that attitude around, ya think?”

“You’re not making any sense?”

Hizashi hated that it was true but there’s no going back now – his mouth was ten steps ahead of him anyway, and not even he could stop it.

He smiled widely at Shouta. “I mean, maybe I’m here to make sure you don’t stress yourself out so much! You always do so much but never check yourself, and I’m here to fix that!”

Shouta huffed, head bobbing just a bit. Then he smirked and Hizashi had to concentrate on his breathing. “And how do you propose you’d do that?”

Oh, it was so easy – this was the opportunity the gods gave him after seeing him fall on his ass just a few days before.

Hizashi leaned forward, and set his elbows down on his notes, a hot cocoa between them. “One word. Festival .”

Shouta’s eyebrows quirked down just a bit, and he tilted his head to the side, his hair tilting with him. “Festival?”

“What do ya say? The park next to my neighborhood has one this weekend, and it’s free, and there’s food, and I really wanna go!”

Hizashi grew pink at the admission, fought against the urge to cover his mouth, but Shouta didn’t comment.

Then, a little surprisingly, instead of arguing or finding reasons why it wasn’t logical to take time away from studies so close to exams, he gave him a smile.

A small, intentional, Shouta smile. “Sure.”

Hizashi tried to not sound over-enthused – just nodded his head and almost squeezed his cup too hard. “Yes! I finally got you to agree to do something!”

“You always get me to do things.”

“Yes, and I did it again!”

Shouta rolled his eyes, and turned his attention back down to the English he’d never really understand.

Hizashi was certain he looked fine. He wasn’t sure if it was great , but it was probably fine, and whatever.

Beside, had many other things to worry about, that were a lot more important than whether or not his shirt matched his shoes. Like, for one, how he still couldn’t quite shake the feeling of significance .

It was back, that nagging intrusion into his thoughts that insisted that something was supposed to be different this time. As he looked over his outfit in his body mirror, pulling over his heavy, long jacket, he had to remind himself that there was nothing different about today. Even if he really, in his heart, wanted there to be something different.

Huh.

So maybe the difference was the amount of yearning – Hizashi sighed, thinking about his feelings last year and comparing them to now.

He huffed, a huge sigh finally making itself known.

Yeah, the feelings he had now were bigger and grander than they’d been last year and they threatened to take over his life if he let them…

Hizashi sighed, rubbed his hands over his face, and pushed his hair back only to reveal his pink, flustered expression to its fullest.

“Sweet lord, have mercy on me! I am an idiot with a crush!”

He collapsed onto his bed and waited out the last of the thirty minutes before Shouta was going to arrive at his door.

Shouta knocked, and Hizashi was already ready – his heart doing flips like he’d never experienced, but oddly enough, it didn’t feel bad. It felt exciting, and loving, and when he opened the door to the crisp autumn air, it felt like home .

Stop that!

Shouta, for all his questionable outfits, looked nice . And he always looked nice, but now he was wearing black boots, and brown khakis that somehow sort of matched Hizashi’s own, and a black tee underneath a black jacket.

He never went anywhere in the cold without a scarf, either, and today was no exception. A red variety was ceremoniously draped around his neck, loose enough to not be covering his face.

Hizashi tried not to beam, but felt the shape his eyes took at the other and knew it wasn’t working. “Ready?!” He asked, a little too loud.

“Yes… you said it was close, right? At the park?”

Hizashi nodded, stepping out and slipping his hand into a pocket to make sure he had his keys and wallet. Confirming quickly, he shut the door behind him, again, with a little too much enthusiasm.

He was buzzing . Some type of energy that he normally had built up in him, that he normally kept pretty good reins on, was taking over –

He was so excited, but, even more – he was just happy .

He looked to Shouta, and smiled, and then led the way down his steps and onto the quiet street. The sky was clear, save for some cloud further down on the horizon. The trees were starting to make themselves barren, and the smell of wood burning fires started to break out as soon as the sun hit its peak.

The neighborhood, secluded and at peace, was quiet, and Shouta walked beside him in comfort.

Hizashi never struggled to say anything, and now is no different – except it is, when he thinks he’ll say something dumb like “hey i like you so much, you make my world right, also I love you. ”

He can’t say that.

But he really, really wants to.

He’s wanted to for years, and he’s almost said it more than once, and now he’s let the silence build around them…

Shouta often takes mercy on him, and so he did it again this time. Their pace was slow and there was a little bit of space between them, and he sighs. “This is really nice.”

Hizashi smiles, keeps his eyes on the road as it winds forward. “I’m glad you think so! We’ve stressed so much, it’s a good weekend getaway, don’t you think?”

Shouta laughs – it’s more of a chuckle, but it’s a laugh where Shouta is concerned. “Yeah, you’re right. I needed this, a lot, I think…”

They reach the corner, looking for cars that weren’t coming. The crest of trees a few blocks ahead could be seen above rooftops, and that’s where Hizashi fixes his gaze. “Me too,” he says softly, and leaves it at that because he’s always on the verge of too many words.

“You seem really… energized.”

Hizashi fumbles with his hands, pretending to warm them up and not like he’s nervous. “When am I not!”

Shouta hums, and it’s so deep and close that it makes Hizashi wish he could just…

But then Shouta reaches out, and grabs at the hands Hizashi is cradling in front of him, blunt and to the point. He takes Hizashi’s left hand and slots their fingers together in his right, and Hizashi knows he can feel the clamminess…

He looks back, sputtering, his heart erratic, “Shou – wha– I’m –”

Does he know this is messing with me?

And Shouta, in that calm, stupid way he always carries himself, smiles. “Maybe that’s what I’m here for.”

He squeezes their hands, and Hizashi must look confused because Shouta laughs.

“You always try to bring me up, so I think I can help bring you calm… You seem nervous, so,” he looked at their hands, swung them just a bit for emphasis. “Calm.”

Hizashi feels every bit of himself crumble, falls away like a cliff against a storm, and smiles because it’s all he can do. He blushes and he can feel how it spreads, and he doesn’t say anything because every sentence ends in I love you .

The festival was a pleasant and home-y affair, and after they’d gotten there, they’d learned that it was quite bigger than either of them anticipated. Though it was still a neighborhood one, hosted by the local families and park itself, it was still filled to every corner.

They’d gotten there during the peak of the sun, but it quickly descended as they wove in and out of the scattered foot traffic. The air was crisper where the lake sat in the center of the park, and the trees casted half shadows around the food and merchant vendors.

They were walking around for less than an hour before the lanterns and torches were starting to light around them.

Shouta still held Hizashi’s hand, and once he’d accepted the lovely fact, he’d loosened up enough to feel like his mouth wasn’t going to get him into trouble.

“Wow! Shou! Look!” He pointed out, across the deep blue lake, to the hovering lights that surrounded it.

Shouta hummed warmly. “It looks very nice.”

Hizashi was still smiling, still enamored by the lights as they floated out across his vision – the way the cool air from the dipping sun brushed against his skin and somehow made all the warmth in him that much warmer.

He quickly cast his eyes down to Shouta, and found him looking at him.

Hizashi’s ears burned and he looked away really fast, heart thumping deep in the cage of his chest.

Oh don’t you dare say it. Don’t you DARE.

“Um…” He said softly, intentionally because otherwise his quirk might get the best of him – he didn’t know if he was embarrassed by his enthusiasm, or by the way Shouta was watching him, but it all went away when Shouta tugged them along the side of the lake.

It’s a few more moments before Hizashi gathers up the right words to say – the ones that aren’t gushy and filled with emotions he’s certain Shouta wouldn’t reflect.

“So!” He starts, looking around now that they were near the cluster of food stands. The air was filled with burning wood, meat, sauce, alive with the sound of simmering and laughter. “Want food? My treat! We can’t walk away without trying everything at least once!”

“I didn’t know you were rich enough to do that.”

Hizashi chuckled. “I’m serious, though. Whatever you want!”

Hizashi ignored the eyes tilted his way, right before leading off to Hizashi’s right. Hizashi turns around enough to look at the little stand and it’s cloth menu.

It was a takoyaki shop, with different bao, and there was no line.

Hizashi smiled, and it was his turn to tug Shouta forward. He couldn’t really look at him, not just yet any way, but he could hear the light lilt in his voice when he ordered from the kind eyed older man at the register. Hizashi made his order quickly, and paid, and they walked away with various stacks of food.

It wasn’t even a question where they’d go, and they found a spot under a tree to sit with their food.

The grass was cut, and the little hill they sat on overlooked a great deal of the sprawling festival that surrounded them. Up here, the voices that surrounded them, the chatter, the laughter that Hizashi was not interested in, was duller – muted, and when Shouta hummed in hungry appreciation at his bao, it made his heart ache all the more.

He snuck a look to his right, graced by the mercy of Shouta closing his eyes. He’d just taken a bite, had unravelled most of his scarf to do so, and was now enjoying it for all it’s worth.

Hizashi’s eyes softened at the sight.

God.

And Shouta opened his eyes, in his direction like he just knew.

Hizashi looked down and took his bao. “This looks good! I should eat like this more.”

“You should take me to more festivals, too.”

Hizashi choked a bit – he recovered fast, and cast a glance toward Shouta. “Sure thing!”

This feeling...

Maybe this is what he had been feeling – the lead up to whatever moment this was. The way Shouta really took the time to look at him, not through him. Like he was paying attention.

Maybe…

Hizashi held his oversized bao in both hands and looked forward. It suddenly didn’t feel like such a bad idea to speak. To say whatever it was that he was going to say, because for Shouta, it would always be okay…

Didn’t make him feel any more at ease, not with the stupid thought in his head that maybe he was misreading whatever today was. Who knows, maybe Shouta always paid attention to him like this? And sure, the hands thing… that was new, but maybe Shouta just really likes holding hands but he needs to be comfortable with the person, and now after three years he’s finally comfortable with Hizashi?

If you’re gonna say something…

“Hey,” he started.

Say it now.

“I’m having a really good time.”

He doesn’t take his wide, blown-out eyes from the festival. It was dark enough that every lantern stood out like little stars, and the breeze was so nice…

“If you want… we can, um, do this again. I’ll find another festival, but I can’t guarantee it’ll be free this time, but I’ll try! And I’ll see if I can sneak in some home made food too so we can spend more money on like, cute stuff from the merchants. I saw this plush down there, actually, and it was a cat , so maybe –”

No, Hizashi wasn’t a timid person – but, still , it was probably for the best that Shouta was the first one to move. He grabbed Hizashi’s hand, urging it away from the bao so that he could hold it again.

He’d pulled his attention to the forefront, and his eyes to finally meet his, and he realized that Shouta had moved so much closer…

The dark of his eyes was so close, and he was smiling …

“You talk a lot when you’re nervous.”

There wasn’t a way to hide the flush, so Hizashi looked down, feeling too open. “I’m sorry…”

He couldn’t see his eyes, but he could see his smile. “I like it, though.”

“What about if I say I like you... Will you still like it?”

Please…!

Shouta didn’t leave him any time to doubt.

“It makes it a lot easier… for me to say I like you, too… yeah, I’d like it…”

Hizashi’s entire body was fireworks – explosions and exclamations and that same buzzing energy that gripped him every time he thought of Shouta. He grinned, and looked up to see Shouta was just as embarrassed and flustered as he was.

He’d normally have to look away, but he assumed he had permission now, and…

God you’re so pretty…

His eyes, his eyelashes, the way his eyes bend against his smile and how he’d never seen him smile like this before…

Hizashi abandoned the bao in his lap and pushed away the hair that framed his face, slowly, not sure if it was too much to hold his face –

“I’m – I’m sorry, can I?”

Shouta nodded. “And you can kiss me too, in case you weren’t sure…”

That was all the reason he needed.

He’d had so many reasons, so many countless reasons he loved him...

He cupped his jaw, still acutely aware of the way Shouta was still holding on to his hand in the grass –

It was cold, that was true, but right now he was warm with nerves and excitement and love , and he leaned in –

His breath, so warm –

His lips, so soft –

And neither of them were particularly experienced or daring, so after a few seconds when he finally parted their lips just a bit, they pulled away, just enough to speak.

“Mmm, you taste like bao,” he said, and then wished someone was there in his brain to stop whatever dumb shit was trying to get out.

Shouta just laughed. “So do you.”

The rest of their night was spent on that hill, kissing and talking and, eventually, finishing their food. When they finally left, Hizashi found that plush cat at the vendor near the entrance of the park and gave it to Shouta. Shouta blushed, and Hizashi glowed with comfortable warmth, glad that he can now get cute things for his boyfriend.

#erasermic #yamada hizashi #aizawa shouta #aizawa #writing #oneshot #mha #bnha #my hero academia #boku no hero academia #long post #xpost #prompted for fluff and autumn...#my discord server is so nice ahhh #fluff

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the-bounce-back · 3 years

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THE “WRITING CURE” - 3 TYPES OF JOURNALING TO IMPROVE YOUR MENTAL HEALTH

Happy New Year, guys!

Yes, it is far too late to say that… but it’s my first post of 2021 and I’ve been procrastinating hella... so please kindly cry elsewhere if this is an issue. Thanks in advance!

I hope that everyone has had a fantastic start to the year despite the fact that we’re going to be held hostage in our own homes for at least another four months.

After giving myself time to throw a fit and and a little (massive and unnecessarily dramatic) strop after hearing the news about the new lockdown and calming down a bit, I started to contemplate how different it is this time around, for better or worse. Worse in the sense that it is a) the middle of f*cking winter so we can’t even enjoy being outside and have socially distanced pIcNiCs, and b) because it literally came out of nowhere so there was zero chance to mentally prepare for it. I literally woke up from a nap, checked socials and found out that we were suddenly on lockdown… Do you realise how mad that is?

Luckily, there are some silver linings with this lockdown that I brutally force myself to focus on so I don’t lose my sh*t. One thing is that most of us probably know by now how to keep some kind of structure to our days this time - because as much as binging trash tv, being horizontal for 75% of the day, eating, chatting shit on facetime for an obscene amount of hours, bunning and going to bed at 8 am was all fun and games the first time around, chances are that you realised pretty soon that your life was literally just wasting away and you have nothing to show for it… besides bedsores, losing all muscle definition and a migraine, that is. Yes, being lazy and unproductive is needed sometimes, but eventually you’re literally gagging for something to do - and this time around you probably have something creative or work-related to do that can keep your mind preoccupied.

Additionally, this lockdown comes hand in hand with the rollout of the vaccine, meaning that the end of this nonsense is coming closer and closer. Regardless of if you’re planning on taking it or not, it still means that the emotions that are a result of isolation and lack of social interaction won’t last forever - which, for me at least, is great news and makes things feel a lot less hopeless.

However, as much as focusing on the pOsItIvEs is imperative during times like these, it’s equally as important to acknowledge and feel your feelings. This whole situation f*cking sucks, let’s be real. We miss our families, we miss our friends, we miss going out, we miss going to the gym/having the option to go to the gym and making excuses not to. We miss our old lives, and the realisation that it is going to be what feels like eons until we can get back to that is bound to get people in their feelings from time to time… or all the time. I often find myself forcing myself to stay productive and creative, only to have the thought “What’s even the point?” attack me out of nowhere, and it really kills my vibe - because sometimes I can’t even think of a decent answer.

It’s dangerously easy to fall into a slump under these circumstances, regardless of how resilient and strong you feel that you are. Forcing yourself to find structure, purpose, inspiration and motivation during this time may be extremely important, but mate... it is exhausting. There’s only so much mental energy you can use to be ray of f*cking sunshine, and once that energy runs out, replenishing it is a huge task since you can’t even do the things you usually do to feel rejuvenated - because outside is locked off.

Ok, so I’m definitely projecting. But I know that a lot of people can relate to these occasional feelings of hopelessness.

This is where I’d usually remind you that these feelings are tEmPoRaRy and will pass, but I’m not going to do that because you’re probably sick of hearing it by now. Instead, I’m going to reintroduce you all to a coping method that you’ve all probably come across in your lives already - journaling.

As in, journaling with intent. I’m personally not very big on the whole “dEaR DiArY” thing where you just whine and b*tch and complain about people/yourself (but to each their own I guess), but I’m talking about writing about topics designed to aid your healing and to help you see the bigger picture of your mental health, and life in general.

I wrote a post a couple years ago about alternatives to therapy for those that aren’t keen on talking to a stranger about their problems (if you missed it, read it here), so I thought that this post could be an elaboration on that. Seeing as a lot of us may feel disconnected and isolated from our family and friends at this moment, getting into writing about your current mindstate, emotions and worries is definitely a healthy outlet that I would recommend to anyone that doesn’t want to bottle things up, but don’t feel like they have much choice.

“But Liv! I don’t have time to write endless pages about my feelings because I’m ~*extremely busy*~!”

I thought you might say that. First of all - extremely busy during a lockdown? Stop the lies please. Secondly, I’ve found that journaling is very much like going to the gym - once you’re into it and see the benefit of it you gladly set time aside to do it. However, if you view it as a gruelling chore that you’d less rather do than all the dishes currently in your sink, it’s very easy to come up with excuses to not do it. To be fair it isn’t for everyone, so if you try it and hate it it’s not the end of the world.

“Ok, you got me. I don’t want to do it because writing is LoNg”

I think what puts people off journaling has to do with the image that pops into their head. To this day I still imagine Elle Woods writing in a pink fluffy diary with a pink fluffy pen on her bed and kicking her feet in the air - which may be appealing to some (me), but cringe to other (uncultured) people. But journaling doesn’t have to be done on fancy stationary - you can literally do it in a word doc in bullet point form, or even record voice memos if writing is sOoOo LoNg. The idea is that you should find a method that works for you, doesn’t feel like a burden and that you can incorporate into your routine.

With that being said, I know a lot of people reading this will still think of excuses to not do it, so let me just focus on those that are open minded enough to try something new chile. I’ll be covering my three favourite journaling “methods”, that have helped me stay sane, motivated and in touch with myself. They are very much focused on emotional, spiritual and mental growth, and will encourage you to think outside of the box when it comes to your mindset and attitude towards challenges that may (will) arise.

What’s important to remember is that what works for me may not work for or resonate with you in the same way, so I definitely encourage further research into journaling/journal prompts that are tailored to your needs. Let’s get it!

1. Gratitude journals.

To say that a gratitude journal - as far as journaling goes, at least - is imperative for your mental health during times like these is definitely the understatement of the century. When you wake up and find yourself still being held hostage, that your body is still in an absolute shambles despite all the useless hOmE wOrKoUtS you’re doing AND on top of everything it’s f*cking snowing, learning to see things to be grateful for amidst all the stress and frustration might seem like a very difficult task. Especially when you feel like setting the whole building on fire.

However, trust me when I say that taking a few moments each day to appreciate the little things that are getting you through it all will make you realise that things could actually be a whole lot worse, giving you a slight boost in your mood and outlook - because imagine how you’d feel if the thing/person you’re grateful for wasn’t there to help you through what can be a really sh*tty time?

On top of just feeling better about this situation on a day-to-day basis, keeping a gratitude journal can also help you keep yourself grounded, present, self aware of what matters to you and just more mindful about life in general. When there’s not a whole lot of options of things to do, it can be very easy to fall into thought patterns of either wishing time would speed up so the future can come, or reminiscing on better and happier times in the past. I wouldn’t necessarily say that there is anything wrong with this from time to time, but it’s important to remember that life is still passing you by. On top of that, considering what made a kind of crap day bearable will help you realise that many of what we consider to be “bad days” are oftentimes a direct result of a negative attitude. Yes, I am projecting with this one.

With that being said, some days are genuinely just unfathomably horrible for seemingly no justifiable reason whatsoever - regardless of if you woke up feeling like a ray of sunshine or not. Again, even when bad moods aren’t a direct result of your stank attitude, practising gratitude can give you the motivation and kick in the arse you need to just ride the day out and remember that nothing that happens is permanent or unfixable.

Then, of course, there are the days when everything just feels like a burden - including thinking about positive things. Sometimes slumps just dropkick us in the throat out of nowhere, and it’s okay to take some time to allow yourself to be pissed off, sad and depressed. Obviously everyone has their own preferred method of riding out these slumps (my personal favourite is wallowing in it until I realise that I need to get a f*cking grip), but I definitely recommend trying to find something small you’re grateful for to remind yourself that it will pass, as this knowledge can make heavy emotions slightly lighter.

In terms of frequency, it really is down to the individual. I’m lazy in the sense that I don’t want to write every day, so at the end of each week I just write about three things that made things a whole lot easier and that prevented me from wilding the f*ck out. And in terms of what you put in the journal, the sky is literally the limit. It can literally be anything that has contributed to you keeping your sanity; last week it was katsu nuggets, the neosoul playlist I came across on Spotify and the fact that I was finally able to switch from a nose stud to a nose ring that made me feel grateful. So, in other words… don’t worry about it having to be profound or meaningful in any way.

2. Positive affirmations.

I’m going to go ahead and assume that you don’t live under a rock and that you understand the meaning of the saying that words carry energy and power, and the concept of speaking things into existence. When I first read about how the words we speak to ourselves and others can transform our internal states on a deep and profound level… all I could think about was how f*cked I am, as I literally only communicate in sarcasm, and brutal drags and insults are my love languages. In my defence, my sarcasm is a coping mechanism that has completely gone off the rails - but that’s a post for another day. The point I’m trying to make is that words have extreme power, and can, when repeated often enough, alter your attitude, perception and feelings about yourself, your goals in life and your current situation - for better or for worse.

So... technically we shouldn’t even be engaging in any kind of self-deprecating humor - because our brain doesn’t actually know the difference between seriousness and sarcasm/bants. All it knows is taking words at face value. BIG yikes.

With that being said, affirmations are powerful and positive statements that aim to direct your conscious and subconscious mind, as well as challenge unhealthy, negative and self-deprecating thinking patterns you might currently be engaging in. They can also influence your subconscious mind to access new beliefs - hence why saying them out loud and with intent on a regular basis is considered crucial for them to actually work. By intent I basically mean speaking your affirmations with conviction, like they are already true - regardless of how far away from them being true you may feel that you are.

In terms of writing positive affirmations that genuinely work, there are many different formats and methods out there that can be adjusted to the individual. I personally utilise a 3 step method that has been working well-ish for me so far - it’s still early days, but it’s definitely a positive habit that I’m trying my best to continue. The 3 steps are as follows:

1, Listing your perceived negative features.

Notice how I say “perceived negative features” as opposed to just “negative features”. This is important because more often than not, the things we are insecure about or don’t like about ourselves are only truly noticeable to us.

These features can literally be anything negative that has stuck with you over the years, regardless of if it’s a product of your own conclusions/internal critic or criticism/negative feedback from an external source. Usually they focus on your perception of yourself as a person, how you cope with life or the current situation you are in (e.g. home-/work-life, relationships etc).

The purpose of writing down things you don’t like about yourself isn’t to make you feel like sh*t, I promise. It’s to help you identify recurring themes in your insecurities, and to help you understand where these perceptions even came from in the first place.

2. Rephrasing your perceived negative features as a positive affirmation.

In this step, the aim is to find positive antonyms to the negative features you have listed. It’s important that the words you choose carry weight and resonate with you on an emotional level, while also feeling believable and attainable to you. This, because if you’re anything like me you’ll feel like you’re just lying to yourself if the affirmation is too over the top… which kind of defeats the purpose.

For clarity, here are a few of my perceived negative features (in the past), what they allude to and the affirmations I wrote for them:

- I worry too much about what other people will think about what I do, what I say, choices I make etc (fear of not being accepted/being talked about negatively) —> “I am feeling more empowered and self-assured as I release the need to care about others’ opinions”

- I’m too naive and keep letting people that don’t have my best interest at heart take advantage of my kindness (fear of disappointing people, fear of abandonment) —> “I am a kind, empathetic, loving person, and I am not at fault for showing kindness to people that didn’t deserve it”

- I hate the way my body is built and I constantly feel unattractive (low self esteem/confidence, body dysmorphia) —> “my body is beautiful, built exactly as it was meant to be, does all it can to ensure that I am strong and healthy and is immune to both internal and external criticism”.

3. Repeating your affirmations regularly.

This is where the ~*magic*~ happens. Yes, I am aware that telling yourself that you are that b*tch while looking into your own eyes in the mirror sounds very cringe and very coming-of-age-Netflix-original-for-tweens like. I can’t lie, it was in the beginning and I felt absolutely ridiculous… especially because a lot of my affirmations didn’t reflect how I felt about myself at the time. But as you incorporate repeating your affirmations into your daily routine, you’ll eventually start to feel a shift in your mindset towards yourself. The words you speak begin to chip away at the self-doubt and self-hate that you’ve built up over the course of your life, and you feel like you actually are stating facts instead of just trying to convince yourself.

Besides forcing myself to speak my affirmations out loud on a daily basis - regardless of how I’m feeling - I also make an effort to review them every couple of weeks to make sure that they are still relevant to how I feel about myself. Ideally, over time you’ll realise that the affirmations you made in the past confirm what you have always known deep down - that you are more than enough exactly as you are.

3. Shadow work.

Ok, so this sounds very dramatic, scary and ominous - and can’t lie, it can be if you allow yourself to be afraid of facing certain parts of yourself. In very brief terms, shadow work refers to the uncovering, processing and healing of different aspects of our “shadow” - which is essentially all the thoughts, emotions and behaviours we suppress and hide away in order to be perceived as “normal” by others around us. This might not seem like a problem, but the issue here is that the concept of “normality” and what is considered to be “normal” is in itself deeply rooted in the individuals past experiences, and especially childhood. For example, a person that grew up in an environment where expressing emotions and vulnerability/sensitivity was seen as a weakness may have problems with expressing their emotions as adults - since they have been conditioned to believe that emotions are a weakness, and are meant to be hidden away in order to be accepted.

As you can probably imagine, going through life with these false truths ingrained in your mind have a tendency to eventually come to the surface in some way in the future. Constantly feeling like you are restraining certain parts of yourself - regardless of if you’re aware of this or not - can manifest as issues such as mental and physical illness, feelings of low self-worth/esteem, addictions and many others issues that affect our life quality severely. These repressed aspects of ourselves are referred to as our “shadow selves”, and if we don’t “bring light” to the shadow - i.e. face the qualities we have that we have held back for so long - it can truly hold us back from reaching our full potential in life.

With that being said, shadow work encourages you to force yourself out of denial about certain aspects of yourself, accepting it, and working on unpacking and bettering those aspects without judgment from your ego. I personally struggled a lot in the beginning of my shadow work jOuRnEy because it was infinitely easier to think of myself as a victim of others doings, rather than a combination of other people’s actions and how my ego and shadow self chose to react… if that makes any sense. I used to hate doing shadow work, because I felt so ashamed and angry at myself for allowing my ego to be distorted by lies and other peoples’ projections for so long.

However, when these feelings arise and you feel like quitting - because WHY should healing be so f*cking painful - it’s actually a sign that you are headed in the right direction. Messed up, I know. But over time, you’ll become so used to sitting with your negative feelings towards yourself that they don’t even really phase you anymore, and you can admit that your shadow self and ego has caused you to form unhealthy habits and thinking patterns that can be detrimental to your mental health. Over time, you’ll develop a great sense of self awareness and self compassion, as well as great psychological, emotional and interpersonal maturity.

Trust me. Being able to admit and accept that you are flawed without being harsh on or hating yourself is a BIG flex, and makes you unf*ckwittable. I actually dare someone to come and drag me for something I haven’t already dragged and forgiven myself for, because I haven’t had a good laugh in a while.

So, the bottom line with shadow work isn’t to bring light to your flaws to feel like shit about yourself (although you definitely will). The point is to bring said flaws to the surface, understand where they stem from, consider why and how it has affected you, and becoming aware of your triggers. Setting time aside a certain time each week to do this work and understand yourself on a deeper level gives you power over your ego, shadow self and triggers, because doing the work helps you see and understand that they don’t really have power over you unless you let them.

In terms of format, I really just do whatever feels right when it’s shadow work o’clock. If I’ve had a particularly sh*tty week and can assign the blame to one of my shadow aspects, I literally just freestyle and write whatever comes to mind (my journal has SUFFERED this lockdown, honey). If nothing comes to mind, I like to make use of journal prompts that are designed to get you thinking and reflecting. I literally just get them online because I’m lazy, but here are some good ones to get you started:

- How judged do you feel on a daily basis? How much of said judgement is real and how much is imagined?

- What does it feel like to have your emotions belittled and downplayed?

- What has fear held you back from? Do you blame yourself or others?

- In what ways are you inauthentic?

As you can see, these prompts do not f*ck about. They’re going to get you in your feelings, make you feel weak and vulnerable and cry like a little b*tch, if you’re anything like me - not that there’s anything wrong with that! But the best part is that once you’ve finished writing, sat with all your negative emotions, accepted them and decided you are ready to move forward and heal, your triggers become less and less powerful - until the day comes when they’ve dissolved completely.

So, there you have it - three tools to help maximise your inner connection to your mental, physical, spiritual and overall wellbeing. As previously mentioned, there are tonnes more different journaling methods that can trigger a positive change in your mental health, and I definitely recommend looking into this and trying them out… wHeN yOu HaVe ThE tImE.

On that note, I want to reiterate that journaling shouldn’t be feeling like a time-consuming burden that you have to put a gun to your head to do every time - because brutally forcing yourself to do it is just going to make you feel sh*tty when you don’t/can’t/won’t follow through. It’s all about finding a time during the day, week or month (whatever frequency is best for you) that you set aside to really get in touch with and sit with your feelings. At the end of the day, it truly is a commitment that you make to yourself - and only you can decide how seriously you want to take this commitment. I will say this though - being inconsistent, procrastinating, skipping or making excuses to not do it only leads to distrust of the self. And If you can’t show up for yourself, how can you expect others to show up for you?

Check me out, leaving you all with food for thought and sh*t (and like I haven’t been ignoring the deadlines I’ve been setting for myself for weeks. Hypocrisy is and always will be my favourite pastime!). It’s giving Eckhart Tolle and I love it. The bottom line is that journaling can be a very powerful tool in your healing process, and it’s up to you to make it work for you.

Until next time!

Love,

Liv

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designsfromtime · 4 years

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Is the Customer Always Right?

If anything, I am guileless when it comes to offering all ya’ll a behind the scenes peek at what a “day in the life” of a historical costumer can offer. Sometimes I worry about coming off as ungrateful when I share a problematic situation, but I believe being honest allows me to embrace my humanity, and gives you all permission to do the same. It looks like fun creating all these gorgeous costumes, and it is! - - but there is an unfortunate ugly side to owning your own business: Dealing with entitled and difficult customers.

My career has taken many twists and turns over the last two or three decades. Before I retired in 2012 at 52 and began designing costumes full-time, I was a medical transcriptionist. I owned my own transcription service as well as working for a huge opthomalogical practice back in California. As such, I have taken many, many training seminars in customer service. It’s been drilled into my head that for every one person who is dissatisfied they will tell ten more people.

With those statistics in mind, I have endeavored to focus on customer service both in my tenure as a medical transcriptionist, as well as today in my costuming business. But the fact of the matter is that not every client will be a good fit for your particular business or your personality, but I do feel somehow I have failed clients even when they become overly demanding and, dare I say, self-centered, and I have to cut them loose.

Look, I get it! Plunking down 2K for an entire ensemble is a HUGE investment for any client! I don’t take any of my clients for granted - ever. I endeavor to give each client equally of my time and attention. As a general rule, I am extremely conscientious about responding quickly to messages and inquiries. I go to great lengths to explain my process and educate about cut, textiles, and construction of historical clothing and lay out what they can expect, even though I find myself repeating the same spiel over and over.

I’ve mentioned this several times before, but I have heard the horror stories from both clients and cast mates: costumers (even those touted as scions in the costuming forums) taking a client’s money and receiving their fabrics, only to ghost on them and not respond when the client tries to get them to honor the commission and actually MAKE the gown they paid for, or they do not respond to the client’s requests when asked to refund the money AND return their fabrics only to find this same “costumer” has not only ignored them but used THEIR fabrics for a gown which they put up for sale on Ebay. Another nightmare story is about some of the vendors on Etsy who promise to ship a gown by a certain due date, take the client’s money and when that date comes and goes and the client contacts them they LIE and say, “It’s in the mail!” - Only to learn that they haven’t even finished it! Worse, when the gown arrives it started falling apart the first weekend they wore it at faire and she paid $600 for it! Then there is the account of a vendor in the Ukraine who ran out of velvet to finish a client’s Italian gown and rather than waiting and reordering the fabric, they made the gown but SCRIMPED on the fullness of the skirt and shipped it as is without consulting the client. In THOSE situations I would agree that the customer is RIGHT. I haven’t found myself in the same situations as these “costumers” because I would NEVER treat a client with such disregard - but I have found myself in a nightmare scenario more than once that involves the client becoming difficult for no justifiable reason.

I’ve been fortunate that in the seven years since opening my studio here in WA I have only had FIVE clients who made me want to pound my fist against my computer screen and question why I am in this business. Yes, they were that frustrating! One of those instances I wrote about in a post called “When It All Goes South” I’ll spare you the details of the other four, but usually the common denominator has been that they didn’t respect my time and my busy schedule, or the efforts I made in the consultation process. That sounds very benign, but a to relate a situation that happened this week wherein I spent 1.5 months exchanging 70+ detailed and lengthy messages, and provided them with dozens, and dozens and DOZENS of fabric options and they kept asking for more, and more, hoping that one of them will fall into the Goldilocks zone, it became frustrating. We hadn’t even gotten half way through the consult process because the client was stalled on fabrics. I didn’t mention the fact that after she paid her deposit she changed the style of the gown multiple times. *face palm*

You may be reading this and shrugging your shoulders and asking “What’s the problem?” The problem in the case I just described is that choosing fabric is only the FIRST step in the design process, but also I have deadlines imposed by the clients. If they don’t comply I can’t meet those deadlines. Until a client chooses their main fabric I cannot begin to offer any ideas for the overall design aesthetic, nor can I choose a complimentary color for their sleeves and forepart, not to mention the embroidery pattern to be used, or sussing out whether or not they will need a trim that may take up to 4 or 5 months to ship - such as the case of a gold bouillon trim I ordered from India recently which she stated she was interested in using, not to mention it requires 4 to 6 weeks of hand tacking! The expectation of this client was that I would be an endless fountain of “options” - and because she was investing 2K I should spend as much time as she wanted footering around window shopping for fabrics while her timeline is ticking away. When after a month and a half I began to draw a boundary and tell her I need a decision if she expects me to meet her deadline because there is a ton more work I need to do on her consult, she felt I wasn’t giving her ENOUGH of my time and stated that because I was pressed on time for current engagements I could not offer any additional efforts to her as a client. This, after spending MORE time than is usual with this client, I am to blame?

I learned from an extremely difficult client in 2018 not to allow a bad situation to malinger and hope for the best. In that particular case it went from BAD to WORSE, and I had to dig in my heels and refuse to bend to her ever growing ridiculous demands. If I cannot work with a client in the consult phase, and I’m pretty damn patient ya’ll, then I have learned the actual construction process will only unravel further.

As a side note, normally by the time I’ve exchanged two dozen messages with a client, I have their fabric sorted, and I’ve sourced a complimentary color for their sleeves and forepart, found their trim and/or the embroidery pattern, sketched their gown, and presented them with a design board. Sooooo. . . I offered this particular woman a refund on her “non-refundable” deposit minus my consultation fee of $100 for the hours and hours and HOURS of research I spent over that 1.5 months offering her more and more options to consider. She was pissed that I was unwilling to allow her to take months to decide, and no amount of “explaining” the urgency or my time constraints seemed to sink in. No matter what I said she is convinced that “I” was the problem.

So, is that situation a failure on my part? Should I be willing to set aside another client’s commission to cater to this woman’s demands? What’s more, is the customer ALWAYS right?

There is an oft-quoted catchphrase in the business world that states: “the customer is always right.” I’ve heard that in many training seminars. Lalana showed me comic wherein it stated “The Costumer is always right.” I laughed, but there is a prevalent attitude that WE must meet the customers’ needs even if it means we often go to ridiculous extents to please them. However, treating customers like they are always right can be self-destructive for entrepreneurs like myself and here’s why.

In an article by “Entrepreneur” they offer FIVE reasons why the customer is NOT always right and why:

1. Businesses Have Limited Resources

Entrepreneurs like myself are not omnipotent, neither are employees - or in my case, my assistant Lalana. Most businesses, especially the fledgling ones, operate with limited resources including limited time, funds, and energy. Every business experiences its share of grudging customers, who, no matter what might be done to satisfy their needs, will continue to complain.

Feeling guilty and culpable for such petulance is actually unwise and it affects your business in a negative way. If the necessary steps have been taken to address the issues of a customer, then a business owner should close the matter and move on.

'Businesses are not dependent on individual buyers. It is actually immature to spend all the energy to satisfy someone who does not intend to be happy. It is important to address the requirements of hundreds and thousands of other regular clients, and also show solidarity with the employees,”

2. It Adds Misery to Employees

Any business will invariably have its share of malicious, rude, snappy consumers. Amongst 50 customers there will at least be 5 who will end up rubbing you the wrong way. Now, reacting to such folk with appeasement and guilt is utter naivete!

Making employees believe that the customer is always right, is tantamount to making them feel dejected. Between supporting your employees and taking sides with an intolerable, enraged customer, it is best to choose the former (the employee). Customers must get this message that though they are important they are NOT indispensable, while supporting employees always pays extra dividends.

"With constant support from the owners comes a sense of loyalty amongst the employees who then provide better service to customers. It's axiomatic that happy employees always go an extra mile to make customers happy."

3. Customers Are Not Omniscient

The creator of a business and the team that works with him know best about the product or service they offer. But customers are often upset because the products don't function the way they want them to - or in the case of my costuming business, they may have expectations around how much time I am able to spend in a consultation, or that through no fault of our own we cannot accommodate their specific vision they have of a particular gown. In the recent experience, the client kept asking for color combinations that are not available in the fabrics she insisted upon. All I can do is offer an alternative and try to compromise by offering options. But the attitude that a client knows best leads to an expectation that I be willing to go to any extent when they demand unrealistic or even ludicrous things.

Often customers will try to establish that they know better and try to share opinions or advice on how a product should look or work. Irrespective of the sector of the business, it is risky to give customers the liberty to think they cannot be wrong.

The key is to establish with customers, in a very amicable way, that the maker of the product is the final authority - In my case that would be ME. I go to great lengths to educate customers on my products and service in order to help them understand my expertise or why I use a certain procedure. I won’t take on a project that I am not passionate about, but more especially when my knowledge is discounted and they wish me to create something that doesn’t fit into my design aesthetic I will decline the order because there needs to be a state of sympatico between designer and customer.

4. It Pits Management Against Employees

The message that the customer is always right, is demoralizing, and results in bitterness against management and indicates that the organization favours the customers more than the workforce. In reality, taking the side of the employees generates happier customers because your employee, or yourself, will have a more positive attitude.

5. You Don't Want Every Customer

Not all customers are indispensable and businesses must accept that. It is better to let go of a persistently complaining and abusive customer who only end up creating stress amongst the employees (or myself). This is irrespective of the amount the customer pays for your product.

Disgruntled customers can wear away your spirit, involve a very high quantity of resources, and add to your stress levels. It is sometimes sensible to lose a customer for protecting the company and its workforce.

"To stay in business for a long time, entrepreneurs need to avoid unreasonably disgruntled customers. Getting rid of bad customers might cost a little profit, but it's healthier in the long-term goals of the business,"

The full article can be found here: https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/308548

While these “talking points” are focused on the Management versus Employee relationships, they are valid across the board for a small business owner whether or not you have employees. All of the angst and frustration and demoralization felt by employees or managers who are forced to capitulate to an over-demanding or self-centered and entitled customer is just as keenly felt by me (the owner). It puts me in a grumpy negative head space and it effects my attitude in the studio, which in turn affects Lalana who has to put up with my grumpy ass, and wears down my energy to the extent it affects my usual generosity to the rest of my clients. 2K in commissions just isn’t worth the hassle!

So, while I’m still working through the guilt and the regret of having to cut loose a client as I did this week, I’m learning that my work will speak for itself, and for every ONE client I have a negative experience, I have MORE who actually appreciate me and are reasonable enough to understand I have deadlines and they are 50% responsible for the success of their commission. I may not be in a place of full acceptance that I could not have made this particular client happy, but I feel justified in drawing a boundary that just because a client spends 2K in my store, it does not give them permission to behave like an entitled premadonna.

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starting-now · 4 years

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Finals Week (Barry x Reader x Sally)

Word Count: 1922

Warnings: none

Request by Anonymous: okay feel free to totally say no to this cuz wow self-projection whoops, but uh. sally and barry helping university student reader unwind 👀 after the stress of final exams hits? 👀👀

(gif by @nohohank)

A/N: Hope you guys enjoy this fic about finals week! I wanted to go super wholesome with this prompt so I hope thats okay with you! This whole last month of the semester has been kicking my ass school-wise and writing this definitely made me feel a bit better. So I hope reading it does the same for you! Good luck to anyone still in school! Love you guys!

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You had been sitting in your apartment for what felt like days, studying what felt like the same material but for different classes, writing the same essay but about different topics, and in general cramming an endless amount of work into a single week. It seemed like just a few weeks ago you were breezing through the semester, not a care in the world, and all of a sudden, all these assignments were hitting you like a freight train. Were there assignments you knew about in advance? Sure. Could you have been working on them for basically the whole semester? Absolutely. But did you? No. No you did not. And now, just like every semester, you were paying the price.

You sighed deeply and let your head fall against the keys of your laptop, typing nonsense into the body of your essay, which honestly seemed better than whatever your brain was coming up with. You had been held up in your apartment working for the better part of three days whenever you weren’t at work or in class.

Your phone buzzed on the side table. You glanced over and saw a text from Sally light up the screen. Without opening your phone, you could see it was a picture of her and Barry. She had been asking the past week when you were free to go out with them, and when you weren’t available Barry and Sally went out without you. This wasn’t unusual. It was pretty normal for you all to go on dates with whoever was available at the time. And you certainly didn’t expect them to put their lives on hold just because you were busy. But these past few days, you’d been feeling guilty that you hadn’t gotten to see them, and insecure that they were growing apart from you because of your absence. You insecurities were getting the better of you, and the lack of sleep didn’t help rationalize your thoughts.

You sighed and turned your phone over, deciding to switch from working on your essay to studying from your textbooks. You moved from your seat at the kitchen table to your couch, as if moving locations would make this week less unbearable. Luckily it was almost over, but at the moment it felt like it would never end. You grabbed a bottle of aspirin on your way to the table, hoping to soothe the throbbing headache that'd been plaguing you the last few days.

The day went on like this, moving from place to place in your apartment, trying to ignore Sally’s texts and attempting to study, keyword attempting. It felt impossible to focus. You found yourself reading the same sentence over and over. You found yourself reading the same sentence over and over.

Your phone lit up once again on the side table, buzzing longer this time. Sally was calling you. You sighed in frustration and ignored the call, returning your eyes to your book. You tried to read a few sentences as anxious thoughts buzzed around your mind. You hated to push them away, but you were too busy for this. And you knew if you picked up that phone you were only going to feel jealous that they got to see each other but you didn’t get to see them. Your phone buzzed again. You sighed heavily and begrudgingly answered the call.

“Hey Sally, I don’t really have time right now.” you said, wincing after hearing the hostility in your own voice.

“Oh, um, I’m sorry. I was just checking in, haven’t heard from you in a while.” she said, concern lacing her voice.

“I’m fine.” you lied. Sally sensed how your voice faltered.

“You sure? We can come over if you want.” she offered.

“We? You’re still with Barry?” you asked, trying to hide how much you missed them.

“Oh yeah we’ve been together all day. We were actually calling to see if you’re free at all?” she asked hopefully. You sighed and propped up your head in your free hand.

“I have so much on my plate right now. You guys go ahead without me, I’m sorry. Love you.” you said quickly and hung up before she could protest.

You set your phone down and took a shaky breath. You buried your face in your hands and broke down crying, you body heaving with sobs. It wasn’t just your distance from Sally and Barry making you sad. This whole week had been an absolutely nightmare of stress and isolation. You felt regret for your attitude on the phone. If you weren’t pushing them away before, you definitely felt like you were now.

You spent a while feeling guilty, attempting to study but not being able to focus yet again. A knock at your door jolted you out of your sad state. You quickly wiped at your eyes with your sleeve and walked to your door, opening it to Sally and Barry. As upset as you were, you couldn’t help but feel relieved and happy to see the people you love. Sally came in first, closing the distance between you and wrapping her arms around you in a tight hug. As she leaned away she pressed a soft kiss to your cheek. Her hands cupped your cheeks and you leaned into her touch as her thumbs swiped at any remaining tears.

“I know you said not to come, but we couldn’t help ourselves.” she said guiltily. Your eyes welled up with tears, happier this time, and you covered her hands with yours.

“Thank you.” you whispered. She must have known on the phone how much you wanted to see them. She could always see right through you, and today you were grateful for that. Sally smiled knowingly, nodding and walking further into your apartment.

Barry still stood in your doorway. He smiled sweetly and held up the large paper bag in his hand.

“We brought Chinese food!” he said happily, setting it down and pulling you in for a hug. You rested your head against his chest and snaked your arms around his waist. He pressed a kiss to the top of your forehead and pulled away from the hug to set up the food.

“Guys, I’m so glad you’re here, I just have so much stuff to do. It feels like I’m drowning in assignments. I don’t know if I have the time.” you said nervously. You wanted them to stay but the stress was creeping up on you again.

“Babe, you’ve been working nonstop for the past three days. Would you even be productive if you kept going?” Sally asked. You blinked, feeling called out but knowing she was right. These past couple hours of study had been completely useless anyways. You smiled, deciding you deserved some time off with the people you love.

“...You guys didn’t have to do all this for me.” you said, feeling guilty that they went through the trouble.

“Of course we did! We’re your partners we’re gonna be here for you.” Sally piped up, walking out from the kitchen with plates and napkins.

“You’d do the same for us.” Barry added as he took the various take-out boxes out of the bag and setting them on the coffee table. You smiled and sat down on the couch as they prepared everything. The negative thoughts about your relationship were definitely dampened, but they were still floating around your brain. You rubbed your palms together nervously and took a deep breath.

“Can I ask you guys a stupid question?” you asked. Sally and Barry slowed their movements down and turned their gaze towards you, sitting on either side of you.

“If it’s making you upset it’s not stupid.” Sally assured, resting a hand on your thigh. Barry nodded in agreement.

“Is...everything okay with us? I mean, I’ve been busy and you guys have been hanging out a lot. And I’m fine with that I really am. I guess I’m just worried you don’t...need me?” you confessed, fighting the lump in your throat that threatened more tears.

“Okay you were right, that was stupid.” she said offhandedly and you laughed humorlessly at her response. She perked up, realizing what she said and her hands flew over yours.

“I’m sorry, that...that came out wrong. I just mean, we love you so much. And I hate that you think of yourself like that. I don’t think me or Barry would know what to do without you.” she said, gesturing to Barry, who nodded in return with a tight lipped smile. You furrowed your brow and Sally pressed a soft kiss to your cheek, jumping up from the couch and patting her legs.

“How about I get you some tea? I’m gonna get you some tea.” she said quickly, turning on her heel and walking into the kitchen. When she was out of the room Barry took a deep breath and turned his eyes towards you.

“It’s not stupid.” Barry assured. You turned your gaze towards him. “I feel like that sometimes too, like I’m not needed or important. And Sally does too even if she doesn’t talk about it. I know you’ve been stressed lately, but I just want you to know that...I mean, me and Sally are so proud of you. And when we go out without you? You’re basically all we talk about.” he finished, a small smile on his face as he recalled the memory.

“Really?” you asked hopefully. Barry nodded.

“Yeah, it’s, uh, kind of pathetic actually. We’re crazy about you. We love you so much, and I never want you to feel like we don’t love having you in our lives. And...I’m so grateful I get to be in yours.” he said, taking a deep breath to stop his own tears from welling up.

You leaned over and wrapped your arms around Barry. He didn’t respond at first, not expecting the contact, but quickly melted into your touch. He ran his fingers soothingly through your hair, relishing being close to you after what felt like so long apart. You squeezed him a little tighter and he chuckled and returned the gesture.

Sally walked back into the living room with a mug of tea and smiled at you two.

“Am I missing a group hug?” she asked playfully. You nodded into Barry’s shoulder.

“Mhm.” you said.

Sally set the mug down on the coffee table and wrapped her arms around you and Barry. Their familiar smells mingled in the air. Sally’s sweet, flowery perfume, and Barry’s cologne, scented like eucalyptus mint. You knew you had missed them, but now that they were here you realized just how much you relied on them.

“I love you guys so much.” you said softly.

“Love you too.” Sally and Barry responded in kind. Sally pulled away from the hug and you followed suit. She handed you a paper plate.

“Go ahead and grab some food. I bet you haven’t even eaten today.” she said knowingly and you stuck your tongue out at her.

“You guys wanna watch Back to the Future?” Barry suggested, covering you three in a large blanket. You nodded enthusiastically.

You sat back with your plate of food and snuggled up between your partners. Sally leaned over and pressed a kiss to your cheek, earning a giggle out of you. You leaned your head on Barry’s shoulder and took a bite of food as the movie started.

Finals week might suck, but this would definitely help you get through it.

#barry hbo #Barry Berkman #barry block #barry fanfiction #barry x reader #barry berkman fanfiction #barry berkman x reader #barry block x reader #sally reed #sally x reader #sally barry hbo #sally reed x reader #sally hbo #sally reed fanfiction #sally x reader x barry #barry x reader x sally #bill hader fanfiction #im sorry bill hader #im NOT sorry bill hader

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danwhobrowses · 4 years

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General Discussions: All Elite Wrestling (AEW)

So with All Out happening tonight (or well, tomorrow morning for me) I’m in the mood to get a lot of AEW talk off my chest. The difference between this and previous talks ‘In (Slight) Defense of AEW’s Women’s Division’ and ‘Are AEW Planning a Second Show?’ - the latter of which seems to have been confirmed - I don’t want to talk about one sole thing, I have multiple things I wanna talk about: Criticisms, Hindsight, Signing Suggestions, Predictions and whatnot. I’m also gonna split this into two at least, we’re gonna start with some critiques (positive and negative criticism) and some hindsight talk.

Critiques So AEW has been running officially since May 2019. Meaning that half of their lifespan has happened during COVID 19′s pandemic, before I go into positive and negative criticisms I’d like this point to at least commend AEW on their action and sustainability during this time; several other brands have had to sadly close or cease programming for a long time, with ROH only just returning. AEW has done a stellar job being safe as well, only one confirmed case in QT Marshall (Moxley quarantining because of Renee’s positive case), frequent tests and having small amount of fans in the arena, this is on top of the fact that Jacksonville is also a hotspot, so currently well done on that. But AEW is far from a perfect company, no company can be. However, not all criticism is fair and I wanna vent some of that. Fair Criticism towards AEW First I wanna point out that there are things even I don’t like about AEW, because I know people will paint me as an apologist, I’d also wanna preface that there are parts of WWE I like too, and parts I don’t like. On AEW’s part though I think the fairest criticism for it is that a lot of talent slip through the cracks, COVID doesn’t help of course but talent had been kept away from the main show or not getting their due; Santana and Ortiz and the Lucha Bros should be tag champions by now, Scorpio Sky would’ve been a great TNT champion, Jurassic Express despite their popularity often seem to be on the losing end of feuds, Private Party have fell into the undercard of the tag division, Joey Janela and Sonny Kiss are sadly purposeless and Lance Archer is just floating around, Nyla and Vickie’s partnership hasn’t really gone anywhere either as of yet and Abadon has been kept from the title picture. There’s also the flip-flop booking of Shawn Spears, Jake Hager, Mel, Luther, Penelope Ford, TH2 and others. While I am gonna track back on the Women’s Division complaint it would bode better for AEW if they had more storylines, and their title was better. I mean the design is fine, it just needs to be bigger. The Picture with Shida and Cody swapping belts really sells that. Belt designs have been very up and down too, the TNT title is not good, the FTW title is a bit iffy but even that is a better design. So far only ‘Big Platinum’ and the Tag Titles are original designs without complaints. Unfair Criticism towards AEW Since a lot of people compare AEW to WWE, there will be times where people will treat them as the same, and that’s not really too fair. Case in point, big one out of the way, The Women’s Division. Wanting more from the women is fair but as I detailed they are pretty handicapped right now since many of their wrestlers are overseas, but when they make moves in a positive light they’re still criticised. Thunder Rosa (fka Kobra Moon of Lucha Underground) is great and we have a much hyped match for that. The criticisms reared its head more with the Deadly Draw and the Tooth and Nail match being in the Buy In. I’ve already discussed the benefits of the Deadly Draw in a prior post so I’m gonna focus on Swole/Baker. Now on the Main Card anyway thanks to fan response, it shouldn’t have been treated like AEW pre-shows are like WWE’s, there’s a Number 1 Contendership Battle Royale on that same Buy In, Khan has been clear that he wants people invested enough to ‘Buy in to the PPV’ so it shouldn’t be treated as a disservice.

I’d also like to segue this into a WWE comparison, because whenever AEW is on you have people tracking how many women’s segments there are. So let me run down WWE for a bit

Smackdown had 3 Women’s Bits last night (4th Sept): the Tag Match that led to FINALLY the Banks/Bayley schism, a cryptic hint towards a woman returning (rumors of Eva Marie I hope are false, maybe it’s Carmella?) and a small backstage segment between Bliss and Bayley

NXT on ‘Super Tuesday Part 1′ had 1 very short match building to the Candice/Tegan feud and a package for Ripley vs Mercedes

Raw had 2 matches and 3 segments which included a Payback rematch

Payback had 2 matches, one on the Pre-Show, both of these matches would later be rematched in the following week

Summerslam had 3 matches, only one of them not a title match and one of them being rematched on the following Raw

NXT TakeOver 30 had 1 match, a title match, including the Pre-Show

For all the criticism AEW gets for having 2-3 bits on Dynamite (which is an hour less than Raw might I add and Dark hosts consistently 3 women’s bits that nobody acknowledges simply because the matches are squashes) I never see WWE criticised in that same vein, and that’s unfair, criticise both. The main difference is that AEW do not have the ‘seasoned big star’ because they’re not that old, Mickie James, Asuka, Bliss and the Four Horsewomen didn’t just get this popular overnight, they spent years honing this craft to this audience. Would it be great for AEW to have a megastar type? Sure but business is not all that easy, who do you take? Tessa’s attitude isn’t exactly positive for business, time is what they need and it’s something people are not giving. Of the other unfair criticisms the quick and easy one is the ‘AEW is TNA 2.0′ - newsflash, most wrestlers will go through the WWE machine in some shape or form, if you complain that AEW lacks female stars because nobody is well known but criticise the men’s division for using well-known ex-WWE talent then you have to see the contradiction. Moxley has been great, Jericho has been great, Brodie has been great, it’s not like AEW aren’t promoting others either. And also the ‘VP is becoming like the McMahons’ - people think that because a wrestler is a booker that they’ll only book themselves strong, but Cody let himself get squashed by Brodie, Kenny passed out to PAC and lost to Moxley, the Bucks haven’t been tag champions and Brandi hasn’t inserted herself in any title match. Just because we’re burned by WWE doesn’t mean that AEW are the same. I am all for constructive criticism with the brand because there are certainly places where it can improve, but it keeps circling around to the fact that we put WWE as the negative standard we compare AEW to, as if WWE are literally the Simpsons of Wrestling, there’s not gonna be much they haven’t done. Hindsight Talk So with the critiques out of the way now we can talk about some missed opportunities, since it kinda pairs together with that. Nearly a year and a half and AEW is still quite different to how it started, there are some things though we could still look back in regret. The easy one is doing a more thorough background check. The SpeakingOut movement affected all of wrestling and led to the departure of Jimmy Havoc, likewise it also led to the Elite cutting ties with Joey Ryan and distancing from Marty Scurll, of course until people spoke out it would’ve been impossible to know but knowing now does make parts of All In and AEW’s history come with a sense of bitterness. A further stressing of variety would’ve helped AEW, there’s a lot of criticism when people don’t understand that things are different for a reason, comedy has a place in Wrestling, we just need a reminder. The ranking system and tag rules could still be clearer. There’s also the sooner dropping of aspects like the Nightmare Family faction with Mel and Luther with Brandi, as well as some other dropped plots like Brandi’s mental break, Allie’s affiliation with the Butcher and Blade (the latter being her irl husband) as ‘the Bunny’, Christopher Daniels’ feuds with Pentagon and the Dark Order, the initial presentation of the Dark Order, not debuting Sadie Gibbs earlier and maybe pushing Intergender wrestling a bit sooner. AEW were reluctant and a Kip/Penelope vs Kenny/Riho feud was in the works to some solid appeal, but it sadly went nowhere. The Deadly Draw could’ve been longer, but I stand by the decision to put it on Youtube. I think the TNT title tournament could’ve been longer too. The bigger regrets I personally wished from AEW are that the Lucha Bros didn’t win the tag titles first, SCU are great but Lucha Bros are next level wrestlers who are monstrously talented, given Hangman and Kenny’s blockbuster match with the Lucha Bros, it’s a shame that we didn’t have a bigger feud where the Lucha Bros took their Young Bucks feud momentum to win the whole tournament. Not signing Mercedes Martinez, Deonna Purrazo or pushing a Kong vs Kong match would also be a missed opportunity too. Hindsight is of course 2020 so we can’t be too hard on AEW, as we’ll move onto in Part 2, when we’ll talk about All Out Predictions and positive hopes for AEW’s future

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issabangtanfic · 5 years

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[Jungkook] The Windmill House (Chapter 1)

Masterlist

Synopsis: When for once rich doesn’t rhyme with Christian Grey.

Pairing: Jungkook x OC

A/N: Feel free to submit a cover! Tell me what you think in my inbox! Enjoy!

“Hello, hello, hello, hello!” I sing, trotting inside the office, waving at whoever wants to see it, too much in a rush to actually stop and greet everybody.

“Someone’s late for a meeting.” Ava, our receptionist and secretary throws at me from behind her desk , making fun of me, as always. I mean, I’m quite good at making a show out of myself, I can’t blame her.

“I forgot my bloody portfolio!” I shout in explanation, running the best I can in those heels.

“Morning Jade.. Elijah..Sam..Anthony.” I say, passing their working stations. I reach my office and circle my desk, trying to find my portfolio amongst the pile of rubbish on my desk.

For someone who makes a living out of organising spaces, I sure know how to orginize my stuff. But I’m working on It. Or at least, I plan on doing that. I find my portfolio under a pile of calendars I didn’t know I had.

When I look up and prepare to leave, Ava is standing in my doorway with her usual plate of warm pancakes that she brings every morning.

“Hi. Oh, sorry I don’t have time.” I tell her, exiting my office. She gives me a knowing smile and just stands there, knowing I’ll end up taking one.

I take a few steps back.

“Just one.” I mumble, rolling up a pancake. “Bye!”

“Maya, honey.” I hear my boss and idol, Frédérique Meunier- Fred, call me. I stop dead in my tracks with the pancake in my mouth, knowing he’s about to scold me for being late. And today is not a good day to be late. I’m late precisely for the meeting I can’t be late for.

“Yes?” I say, slowly turning around to face him. He’s narrowing one eye at me. I know I have to come back from this meeting with a contract. The client’s rich, the project’s big, and he requested me specifically.

“Are you late for the Violet Mansion meeting?” He asks, but I’m pretty sure he knows the answer to his question. Or does he? I narrow my eyes back at hm, gauging.

“Define “late”.” I try. He sighs deeply.

“You’re lucky you’re talented. Go.” He mutters, rubbing his eyes in annoyance. Fred always tells me I make him age quicker than he’s supposed to. Today I see that. I take my cue and turn around, trotting out of the office just like I came in.

“She’s something.” I hear Fred mumble to himself, and I’m pretty sure it’s a compliment.

The mansion is located outside London. It’s a 30 minute drive from the city center, where our office is. I usually work in the city, being specialized in modern luxury. This is a first for me, and I’m excited. I hope me being 45 minutes late isn’t going to be a big deal.

There is a long driveway that leads to the house, with old but huge metal gates before it. Through the bars, I can see the Violet Mansion, which is not violet at all. The building is named like that because the original owners were lavender dealers and their backyard was famous for its lavish parties in a purple see of flowers. It’s been centuries, but the name sticks.

I don’t know who the current owner is though. I just have his name. Jeon Jungkook.

I ring the intercom.

“Name, please.” A male voice slurs from the other side of the line. How about Hello? Rude.

“Maya Fair. I’m the interior designer.” I reply. I wait for an answer, but there’s just a loud buzz, and the gates open slowly. I squeeze through when there is enough space for my mini and park my car in the driveway, at the bottom of the steps that lead to the porch.

I take a moment to appreciate the monster. This mansion is old and Italian, almost immaculate with fair stones. No one would believe this jewel sits right outside London. What I love about the exterior are the two stairways that lead to the porch.

I walk up the stairs and prepare to knock on the door, when it opens on its own. I meet a tall- taller than me - asian man. He’s wearing a white shirt with his sleeves rolled up, the top buttons of it undone and letting appear a path of pearly white skin. His face is… a version of perfect. His sturdy brown eyes are pinned on me, his eyebrows furrowed and his whole being radiating with charisma.

The sight of him knocks the air out of my lungs. He is beautiful, in a dirty and disturbing way. He stares at me, clearly having no plans on greeting me first. I need to speak.

“Mr Jeon.” I try, though I could be wrong. He could be an employee, but my gut tells me he owns this place. He radiates with power. But it’s his eyes I’m mesmerized by.

“Hello, I’m Miss Fair. I’m terribly sorry for being late.” I manage to speak without my voice breaking, but I’m sure I’m betraying my mental state. I stretch my hand out, and I almost squeal when he takes it in his. He shakes my hand with his firm yet a bit clammy hand. They are warm. My heart starts to pound in my ears.

“I’m even sorrier Mrs Fair. I thought my PA had called you to tell you you didn’t need to come anymore.” He says, letting my hand go. He has an American accent.

“Oh. Are we postponing?”

“No, I gave the protect to someone else.” He counters, shoving his hands in the pockets of his trousers. That’s when I notice how well they fit him, and how they hang perfectly on his hips.

Wait what? My face falls, realisation sinking into my brain.

“Someone who was on time.” He adds when he sees my face. What?! He gave it to someone else just because I was late? He doesn’t even know what i could do with it! And he asked for me specifically. I have no way how he knows about me by the way.

For a second, I manage to forget his hypnotising looks and focus on my work and the situation at hand.

“But is he or she better than me?” I challenge, crossing my arms over my chest. “Maybe you should find out before appointing anybody for such an ambitious-”

“Punctuality,” He cuts me off, taking a step closer to me and stepping out onto the porch. My heart jumps in my throat as he gets closer. His aura engulfing me. “Mrs Fair, is something I demand from all my business partners. He lectures. I swallow, his words missing my brain. I can’t seem to look away from his face, and I start blushing when my eyes land on his mouth.

If I don’t stop right now, he’ll notice. I start remembering everything that happened this morning. I really thought this would be just like any other day, and here I am, shaking like a leaf in front of the sexiest man I’ve ever seen, who also happens to be an asshole and is about to get me fired.

“It’s professionalism, etiquette, politeness. I don’t work with people who waste my time.” He says, his tone icy. He speaks slowly but each of his words feel like a violent slap across the face.

“Even if they could do greater things than others?” I retort, because as hot as he is, I think it’s a stupid way of thinking. He narrows an eye at me, frowning. “Suddenly I’m quite curious as to how your business is doing, considering you like closing doors for petty reasons.”

“Petty.” He scoffs.

“Let me see this mansion and I’ll expose my ideas.” I propose. I’m in survival mode. His looks and the manliness he radiates with have made my head spin, but now I’m back in the game.

“With that attitude?” He scoffs at me again.

“It’s my ideas that I sell, not my attitude.” I retort. His head tips to the side and he takes a moment to study me, eyes searching on my face like lasers. They crack open my business armor, and as I try to hold his gaze, I suddenly see a point of something dangerous in his eyes. I’m the first one to look away.

“After you, miss Fair.” Mr Jeon grants me after what feels like an eternity, stepping aside to let me in the mansion. I take a few step in and wait for him to close the door, taking in the sight of this building.

If the exterior speaks in Italian, the interior screams…help. The interior is a mix of Rococo and Mediteranean designs, which looks… shocking.

The structure of the house is Italian, with white stones on the walls, wide arcs as openings, no doors, dark beige tiles on the floor, but the furniture is out of time. Everything is beautiful and pristine, bu it’s red, baroque and rococo. English rococo. English and Italy don’t go together very well. I’m hoping Mr Jeon is going to ask me to bring him to Italy with this one.

“My PA is giving a tour to the other designer.” I hear his loud voice way too close to me, enough to make me jump and snap me out of my reverie. I turn to look at him. “So you’re stuck with me for that part.”

“You called two designers for the same job?” I ask, quite shocked.

“I’ll compare your ideas, see which one I like the most.” He replies simply.

“You sure show little faith in me for someone who requested me by name.” I throw, hoping to get an explanation about that.

“My brother recommended you to me.” He declares, staring at me, then his eyes dip to my lips, and my chest, I think. “I see why, now.” He adds more quietly, before turning on his heels. My jaw drop as I stare at the back of his head. What a fucking boor!

“Excuse me?” I utter, prompting him to turn back around.

“I most certainly didn’t sleep with your brother, whoever that is.” I say categorically, glaring at him. He laughs at me, boyish and loud. His eyes get smaller and small wrinkles appear next to them, and he beams, his face radiating with light.

Now I know what a true beautiful smile is.

“Miss Fair will you please unravel your knickers,” He says to me “I was only talking about your attitude.” He explains. Oh.

“Since my brother loves to piss me off, I guess he recommended me someone just as infuriating as him.” He throws at me, and as negative as his words are, his tone, and the way his eyes twinkle, tell me it’s more of a compliment than an insult.

I dont’t dwell on it though, because I can’t think straight when he’s looking at me. I purse my lips.

“Great. Can we start discussing the project?” I prompt. His smile fades away.

“Would you like a drink?” He proposes. Actually, my mouth feels dry, because I have been internally dry-heaving ever since I laid my eyes on him.

“No, thank you.” I lie, just wanting to get on with the tour. Nodding quietly, Mr Jeon shows me upstairs and across the mansion.

“This, is where I might need you.” He says as we enter a totally different section of the building. As if another part had been attached to it like a piece of lego, the interior morphs from a patchwork of ancient style manor to a jewel of modern luxury and minimalism.

We step onto a mezzanine that gives onto a lounge area. I’m tempted to scream down the room, certain it’ll echo.

“I just bought this mansion, and it has this extension.” He explains. This place is immaculate.

Needing to keep a trace of that, I pull out my small camera from my bag and snap a quick picture. I lift my head to immortalize the diamond chandelier

“I want this,” I hear Mr Jeon say, and he puts his hand over my camera, lowering it. I look back at him, and he’s throwing daggers at me with his eyes.

”to become the whole mansion.” He finishes. I clear my throat.

“This?” I point towards the lounge area. He can’t be serious.

“Yes. I want more luminous rooms and pale colors. All that red really gets on my nerves.” He mutters, leaning against the guardrail of the mezzanine.

Why would he do that? White walls, really? Beige floor tiles? One leather sofa here and there? It looks beautiful, sure, but in its own genre. That’s not the spirit of the mansion. I thought he was going to ask me to bring back the mozzarella of this place, not turn it into a Dubai hotel.

“Why not just build another mansion?” I propose.

“Pardon?”

“You want to rob this building from its character, and that’s a shame.” I explain, and I’m too worried about that mozzarella spirit that I don’t realise I’m stepping a line.

“Why not build your own building and give it its own identity?” I propose. “And it’s not like the rest is ugly.”

“The colors and the furniture are-“

“I’m not talking about the paint, but the shape, the structure, the skeleton of this mansion.” I cut him off, needing him to understand. I love my job, but I hate that the clients have no vison, that they don’t feel what energy buildings and houses give off. This is going to be a murder.

“If that’s what you have planned for this project, I don’t want in on this.” I tell him, looking straight into his sturdy brown eyes. He frowns down at me.

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me.” I murmur. He lags for a second, is mouth hanging slightly open, his lips parted in a way that lets me see a bit of his tongue, and that’s enough to distract me again.

“You make all this fuss for me to let you in and you give up because you like the mouldings?” He says, threat in his voice.

“Yes.” I reply sternly.

“This,” I wave towards the extension. “Is absolutely beautiful. It’s divine.” I tell him. Turning on my heels, I walk back to the place where the old building is.

“But this is the mansion we’re in.” I place my hand on the rock arc that serves as a doorway. I look back at him, hoping he’s getting what I’m saying. His face is a knot of confusion, and he looks displeased. This is pointless.

“I’m sorry for wasting your time, but I can’t murder this old guy.” I shrug, giving the arc an affectionate tap. I can’t believe I’m refusing such a project, but my heart won’t handle it. Shit, Fred won’t handle it if I come back empty-handed.

“But I can pass it to a colleague of mine. She’s phenomenal when it comes to minimalism, and Italian furniture. She’ll do fantastic.” I add quickly, almost stumbling over my words. Mr Jeon opens his mouth to talk but he’s cut off by sounds of heels treading the floor. My eyes follow the sound and I see a man and woman walking up the mezzanine in our direction.

“No need.” Mr Jeon says to me. “Miss Bingfield here is only too willing to be part of this.” He says, waving towards the middle-aged woman accompanied by another asian man. I freeze, feeling defeated.

“And she was on time.” He adds. Ouch. The woman flushes, clinging to her portfolio and battling her eyelashes at him. I look away, feeling nauseous.

“There are a few things we need to discuss, Mr Jeon.” She murmurs to him.

“Jimin, please show miss Bingfield back in my office.” Mr Jeon orders, and the guy- Jimin, as I know him now, strides past me, greeting me with a nod, followed by the other designer.

Mr Jeon strides over to me.

“I’ll walk you back to the door.” He says, his words feeling like stabs in my stomach. This is disastrous. I barged my way into this mansion by acting cocky and confidant, and know my confidence has been shattered to pieces, and I feel humiliated.

“I’ll show myself out, thank you.” I mutter, turning on my heels. I don’t think I’ll be able to handle any more time in his company.

“I insist.” I hear him say as he walks next to me. I shut him out, looking down at the floor as we walk back to the entrance of the mansion, but my head shoots up when I feel him casually put his hand on to small of my back.

A current of electricity travels through me, and I almost forget how to walk. Now It’s all I feel, the heat of his hand, through the material of my dress and through my skin, through my flesh and inside my core. I take quicker steps, my breath caught up in my throat.

What is this? Why am I like this? I completely lost my composure the second I laid my eyes on him and I fucked things up. Not only did I miss a contract, a beautiful Italian architect work is going to be destroyed and I humiliated myself in front of a man who knew I’d do just that.

I’m such a failure. Tears of frustration rise up to my eyes, making them sting. And my throat tightens and my nose starts to feel heavy with snot.

“Could I yse the bathroom quickly?” I blurt out, feeling like I’m about to lose it. Jeon stops abruptly in his steps.

“There’s one right there.” He point at a door behind me. “I’ll wait for you downstairs.“

Avoiding his gaze, I dive into the bathroom and look the door just in time, bursting into tears right after. I slap my portfolio on the vanity, angry at myself and that piece of crap who doesn’t recognise beauty. Taking deep breaths, I wipe my tears away, wanting to calm down as fast as I can.

If you want to cry Maya, you can, but get out of here first.

Checking myself in the mirror, I’m relieved to see my eyes aren’t red yet. I smooth my hair down and gently slap my cheeks, giving myself a mental pep talk. Just one more minute with him.

You go down the stairs, out the mansion, into your car and byebye sexy douche bag. You can do this.

Taking one last, cleansing breath, I assess myself one last time in the mirror. I look just fine. I walk out the bathroom and retrace my steps until I’m back at the stairs. Mr douchy is waiting for me like he said, hands in the pockets of his fine trousers.

In dead silence, he escorts me to the door, opening it for me.

“Pleasure meeting you, Maya.” He murmurs, offering me his hand. The way my name rolls off his tongue makes the hairs on my nape rise in attention.

“Miss Fair.” I correct him, shaking his hand. He gives me a knowing smile. He knows.

“Miss Fair.” He repeats, letting my hand go. “Lovely meeting you. I mean it.” He murmurs, and I act as if his wors aren’t about to make me shake like a leaf. I muster up the last bit of confidence he left in me after thiose twenty minutes.

“I’d say the same thing, but I don’t lie.” I reply on the same honeyed tone as him. He makes a surpried but subtly pleased face. The guy is having his fun right now.

“Great day to you Mr Jeon.” I mutter, turning on my heels and doing my best not tosprint away. I walk down the stairs and don’t hear the door being closed. I understand he’s stilll watching me from the porch, so I try to march as confidently as possible without turning back.

I make it to my car, and I feel safer there. I sigh deeply, leaning my forehead against my steering wheel. I want to go home. I physically sag, all strength having being drained out of me during this… whatever this was.

i joldt up when I hear a loud buzz, and see the gates slowly opening in front of me. Pulling myself together, I start the engine and squeeze through when I have enough space, driving away without any intention of coming back.

I drive back to the office, and it’s almost empty, almost everyone being gone on their lunch break. Sighing deeply, I sag agaisnt the chair of my desk, dropping my head between my hands.

How the hell am I supposed to tell Fred I lost the contract? It was almost a done deal. He requested me by name.

Fred always complains that I refuse deals because I’m ’too’ passionate about what I do. And I try, really try to work on it, but it really makes me emotional to see people ruining houses and architect work because of trends.

I absolutely love my job, I love architecture, and that’s why I want to do it properly. But can I call it proper work when I keep losing money?

“So? How did it go?” I hear Jade, a colleague of mine ask me. When I look up she’s entering my office, closing the door behind her and leaning against the door. She looks at me with shiny eyes, her lips pursed in anticipation. Even she was excited about this.

I burst into tears, dropping my head again, feeling defeated for the second time.

“Hey.” Jade croons, walking over to me. She sits on my desk, one of her hand coming down to stroke my back comfortingly.

“I’m a monumental fuck-up.” I sob, wiping my eyes only to let more tears fall out of them.

“Honey, what happened?” She asks me. I look up at her through my damp lashes.

“He gave it to someone else.” I sniffle.

“The project? Why?” She breathes, her face a knot of confusion. I sniffle.

“Because I was late.” I confess,. “And because I refused when he gave me a second chance.” I test it on her, lifting shy eyes to her face to see her reaction so I can imagine Fred’s.

“Maya.”

Hugh. I drop my head in my hands again.

“Fred is going to kill me.” I groan.

“Well, he’s out of the office all afternoon, so calm down.” She says. not denying it. He is going to kill me. Tomorrow. I have 22 hours to live. I’ll take that.

“Than man, Jeon Jungkook, he’s quite something.” I mutter.

“He’s hot, isn’t he?”

“You know him?” I shoot my eyes up at her.

“My husband works with him sometimes. He’s tough in business.” She explains. Tough in business? He’s tough period. “But hot, right?” She smirks.

I don’t reply and look away from her, not wanting to confess that just looking at him turns me into an anxious sappy puddle. My office phone rings.

Sighing, I quickly grab a tissue from the box on my desk and wipe my nose, picking up the combine,

“Hello?” I say as I take the call. Jade gives me a sympathetic tap on the back before leaving me to my business.

“Maya? Mr Jeon on line 2 for you.” Ava says from the other end of the line. What?

I thought I’d never have to deal with him again. I think secretly I was relieved he gave the project to someone else, now I’m getting nervous again just at the idea of being on the phone with him. This man is bad for my blood pressure.

I take a few seconds.

“Put him through.” I tell her before hanging up. I wait, staring at the phone on my desk until it starts ringing again. And I wait. It rings once, twice, three times, and I pick up at the fourth time.

“One second please.” I say quickly before putting him on hold. I don’t know why I’m doing this, but I want him to think I’m busy. I take his call after another twenty seconds.

“Union design and architecture, Maya on the phone, how can I help you?” I say, sounding as professional yet nonchalant as possible.

“Maya?” His voice sounds like buttery pancakes, my name in his mouth making me ball my fists as my blood rushes through my veins. I put my fist in my mouth, calming myself down.

“Who’s talking?” I pipe up.

“Well, the man whose name the receptionist told you.” He retorts. “But nice try.”

Ouch.

“What can I help you with, Mr Jeon?” I sigh. He even defeats me at my twisted mind games.

“You forgot your portfolio in my bathroom.” He informs me.

“Oh.” I say. “You can throw it away. I have multiple.” I lie. I don’t have multiple portfolios, I’ve lost them all, but I’m not meeting him again to get it back. He can have it.

“Noted. But that’s not the only reason I’m calling.” He retorts. God help me. “Do you do evenings?” He asks me.

“No, I don’t.” I lie.

“Something tells me you’re lying.”

HOW THE FUCK DOES HE KNOW?

“Mr Jeon, why don’t you just tell me what you want?” I ask, exasperated.

“I will. Let’s say tomorrow around seven?” He proposes. Oh sweet mother of jesus, I’m seeign this man again, aren’t I?

If it’s work related, I’ll have to go. It could be an occasion to get a contract and prevent Fred from firing me.

“Maya?” He calls when I don’t answer.

“Miss Fair.” I correct him.

“Miss Fair, can we meet at seven?” He sounds amused.

“-Ish.” I tell him.

“-ish.” He repeats. “Good. I’ll send you the address.”

“Perfect.”

“See you tomorrow, Maya.”

“Miss-“

He hangs up before I can correct him. Christ, what am I getting myself into?

Seconds later, I receive a text on my phone from an unknown number. It’s nothing but un address. How did he get my number? Oh, my portfolio.

I drive to the location Mr Jeon gave me. It’s outside london but closer than the mansion. When I actually make it to the adress, I meet nothing but a dirt road, and my GPS indicates I’m at destination. But there’s nothing. Nothing expect another car, Mr Jeon’s Audi, which he’s leaning against, waiting for me. He’s wearing a suit today as well, but this time he has a jacket and a tie. The jacket fits him perfectly. I have a thing for well fitted suits, men in suits, him in a suit…

My heart starts to race again just at the thought of being close to him, talking to him and having him looking at me with his deep pools of brown.

I park right behind his vehicle and get out my car with shaky legs.

“Maya.” He greets with a soft yet dazzling smile, stretching his hand out to me.

“Miss Fair, please.” I correct him, making sure he doesn’t cross the line again. I fully intend on not letting him trample me. I shake his hand, and I think I make a good job hiding the tingles that run through me when our skins touch.

“Miss Fair.” He concedes, nodding softly, his fingers lingering against my palm as I slip my hand out of his. “You’re looking lovely today.” He says appreciatively, taking me by surprise.

Wait, what?

I’m suddenly self conscious, know that I know he notices the way I look. My cheeks heat up dangerously, and I’m a bit listless, my mouth going dry.

This god-like creature thinks I look lovely today.

My mouth hangs slightly open in shock, and I can’t seem to manage to form a decent answer- or a decent sound, for that matter. His eyes slide down my legs.

“Maybe I should’ve told you to bring flat shoes.” He muses, crinkling his nose. He crinkles his nose!

“We’re going for a hike.” He declares. I blink rapidly.

“Are we?” I manage. He nods silently.

“Follow me.” He invites.

My feet accepting to cooperate, I follow him down the lane, entering the forest. We walk in the nature for a good five minutes, the forest slowly morphing into darker woods. And That’s when I start to wonder just what I am doing, following an asian sex symbol in woods outside London.

I think I should run. No one knows where I am. Hell, I don’t even where I am. When I decide to stop and run, we make it out of the woods into a huge parcel of greenery, standing just at the bottom of a hill. There is a stairway that has been built to reach the top. It’s made of white stones, and from the bottom, it forms a mosaic with roman designs using perspective vison.

I’m fascinated and curious. There is actually something up here. The stairs are rundown though, broken in several places, pieces missing, the overall structure looking unsteady. But it’s beautiful.

“The steps are broken. Be careful where you step.” Mr Jeon says to me as I start climbing. This is such a shame. These stairs must have looked amazing in the past.

“You still don’t want to tell me why I’m here?” I ask, detaching my gaze from the stones under my feet.

“You’ll find out soon enough.” He replies elusively.

“I thought you wouldn’t want to see me again.” I murmur, and watch as his brow furrows. He looks at me quizzically.

“I never said that. I said I was pleased to meet you.” He reminds me. Well, that’s something you say to anyone when you’re polite enough. I didn’t think-

“And I said I meant it.” He adds. So, that man doesn’t know how to lie? He really was pleased to meet me? He, for sure, had a ver strange way of showing it.

“Ah!” I shriek when the stone under my foot wobbles and detaches itself from the step. I stumble forward, but Mr Jeon’s strong hand stops my fall. He grabs me by the upper arm and yanks me up, pulling me flush against him.

I look up at him, mortified by his proximity. His heat pours out onto me, from his chest onto my side, and from his hand onto my arm. The delicate smell of fresh yet musky cologne engulfs itself in my nostrils, and his brown pools stare at me intently, bordering on a slight glare.

My heart is in my ears, pounding hard and heating up my cheeks.

“I said be careful.” He murmurs, letting me go. When he steps back, the air gets thinner, and I can actually breathe. That’s when I realise I was holding my breath.

“Thank you.” I mumble, actually thanking god he stepped away, but then I feel his fingertips sliding across my palm. I look down at my hand as he slips his in it, clipping my fingers down with his thumb across my knuckles.

“We’re almost there.” He says, holding my hand up. My mouth dries out, all the moisture in it going straight to my hand and making it clammy. He’s holding my hand.

He slightly tugs me forward, prompting my feet to move. And while he thinks he’s helping my go up the stairs more steadily, he’s actually making it worse for me because my legs have turned into jelly.

He lets me go once we make it to the top, and I meet an abandoned horror house. It’s actually a windmill house, from old America, again, right outside London. But it’s broken down, rundown, old and scary. The windmill is placed on the left, a large column maybe ten meters high. It’s made of old white stone that went beige with time.

“What’s this?” I ask my client as we walk down the grave pathway.

“My old guy.” He declares, watching me. His old guy? He has some sentimental connection with this shell of a house? We stop under the porch.

“You’re giving me this…project?” I ask, incredulous. He really was pleased to meet me.

“It’s not a project.” He shakes his head softly, looking up at the mill. “It’s my whole life.”

I swallow. He sure does know how to put pressure on people.

“And I want you to work on it.” He adds, and deep down, in a small, unused part of my brain, I tell myself he’s not just talking about this house.

#jungkook scenarios #bts scenarios #jungkook #jungkook smut #bts smut #jungkook fanfiction #jungkookxoc #jungkook x oc #twh #jimin #bts jimin #jimin scenario #bts reactions #bangtan scnearios #kpop scnearios #kpop smut #kpop

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lovelybuccky · 5 years

Text

Three Things That Are Certain (Chapter 4)

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Summary: Your mother once taught you that when you feel afraid, you should look at your surroundings and find at least three things that are certain, just three things that you know to be true. However, a collection of photos are found from different points in history, and you are in every single one. Questions are being raised, and you are finding it more and more difficult to name those three things. But he is there to remind you of what they are.

Warnings: Violence, profanity, graphic violence and descriptions of pain in later chapters.

A/N: It’s been a while...sorry! There is a lot of information in this one,,,I’m sorry if it’s confusing and I know there’s gonna be some technical errors especially with canon. But!! I hope you enjoy it! Please do let me know if there are any massive errors/problems with canon!

Previous Chapter

The tests went pretty smoothly. Bruce walked you through everything beforehand, and it seemed simple enough. A handful of questions, a couple of scans - and a blood test. That was the worst one, the glistening tip of the needle jolting you back into the past. The glowing green substance, the leather straps holding you down, the rag that only did so much to muffle your screams as fire soared through your veins. Something in your stomach sunk, and you forgot to breath.

Then you looked over at him.

He was leaning against the doorway, arms crossed. He raised an eyebrow at you, asking silent questions. Are you okay? Do you need a break?

Your lips turned up slightly, a subtle nod sent his way as a silent answer. I’m okay. I can do this.

He returned your nod in acknowledgement, but your eyes remained locked. You focused on his face, his form, keeping your head turned away from the doctor as you performed your ritual.

It’s just three things. Easy peasy.

Bucky’s eyes are blue, baby blue.

His beard is only just past a stubble, he obviously hasn’t shaved in a couple of days.

If you look close enough, you can see a small dimple in his chin. Cute.

The last thought caught you off guard, your heart skipped a beat as Bruce removed the needle from your arm, a lopsided smile creeping up Bucky’s face. He uncrosses his arms, slow steps carrying him towards you, “The worst part’s over, you can relax.”

So, you did.

Or at least you tried to.

That was only fifteen minutes ago, and now everyone was gathered in the lab awaiting the results. It should’ve taken days for results to come through, but thanks to Stark’s tech it only takes a few minutes.

However, the results come back negative.

Perplexed looks are shared as both Bruce and Tony analyse the statistics one more time. There’s muttering, whispering - like school students interrupting a lesson. You bow your head, trying to think of some way to explain your situation. How could you make them understand?

An open hand comes into view, looking up you’re met with green eyes and a shy smile. Wanda, you think her name is. She nods in the direction of her open palm, an invitation for you to take it. Hesitantly, you place your hand in hers, and you just feel warmth.

Her eyes flutter shut, until green stares back at you once more. She sighs, a sympathetic look in her eyes, “Which one?”

Somehow you knew what she was asking. You fidget in your seat before answering, “Time.” You’d hoped it would come out stronger, but it’s merely a whisper.

She nods in understanding and turns back to Tony, whose mouth is agape. “The tests are pointless, you’ll never find anything. But I promise, she’s no threat to us.”

Tony blinks at her, “I’m sorry, am I the only one who has no idea what just happened? ‘Time’ what?”

Wanda looks at you for permission to continue - you nod.

“Time Stone. One of the six Infinity Stones. That’s what has given her the ability to travel through time.”

“And how did you know?”

“The Stones are connected,” Vision steps in, “Wanda and I both felt it when she first walked in, however we didn’t know at the time that it was the Stone.”

“But when we touched, both of the Stones’ energy fed off one another, that’s how I knew. Just like me, she has one of the Stone’s power in her, I just couldn’t feel which one.”

Everyone’s gaze falls to you, and you subconsciously squirm under the attention. You look for the familiar pair of blue eyes, but he’s busying himself with the photographs.

Steve steps forward, “Let’s take a break. When we come back, would you be able to tell us a bit more, Y/N?”

He offers you a kind smile, and you return it as best you can, “I promise I’ll tell you as much as I know.”

And with that, everyone disperses until just you and Bucky remain. He's sat at the desk now, flicking through your photographs. You hop off of the lab table, pulling up a chair next to him. You sit in a comfortable silence for a few moments before you speak up, “Do you miss it?”

He gently holds one photo of you crossing the street, his eyes scanning over every detail. The bakery in the background, the Harley shooting past you, the style of dress you wore. Familiarity washes over him, but it’s distant; like he’s remembering a dream. He sighs, “Sometimes, but it just feels like a story now.” You smile sadly at him, he just shakes his head, “But hey, this decade ain’t so bad. Although I still can’t believe a loaf of bread costs $2.”

You snort, “Tell me about it. Music’s shit too.”

He laughs at that, full bellied as he places the photo back on the pile, facing you fully now, “You’re damn right.”

Silence settles around you once again as you take each other in. There’s no specific intent, it’s just nice being in the company of someone who understands. It’s true Bucky had Steve to talk to, but he had a “live in the present” kind of attitude, at least on the outside. Bucky knew deep down Steve missed the old days just as much as he did. Sometimes it’s easier to bask in the warmth of nostalgia.

You sit for a few more moments in each other’s presence, until he starts to shuffle in his chair, “You should get some rest, you’ve barely slept.”

The warmth seeps away and cool reality reclaims its place. He hadn’t said it cruelly or coldly, but his smile fades away and his focus switches to some tools on the desk, fiddling and twirling them in his hands. Maybe he was genuinely concerned, maybe he wanted to be alone. You wanted to know more, desperate to learn about James Buchanan Barnes - the man he was before war, before Hydra, before you. But you knew he wasn't ready to dive head-first into the deep blue past. He was still a fractured man. Not broken - not anymore - but cracked, and cracks give in under too much pressure. The photographs were the first push, and you weren’t going to push more.

So you nod in agreement and the smile you offer him is soft, but free of agenda. You thank him for helping you through the tests, and head back to your room.

“Hydra agents are everywhere, all the time. They’re waiting for something to pop up, someone to slip so they can retrieve what they need. They knew about the Infinity Stones, they just had no idea where they were - except one. But they wanted more, they needed more. So they used the one Stone they had long before I was even born. It was blue, and was kept in this…cube; but it was enough to retrieve some power from it. Like Wanda said, the Stones are connected, they feed off of each other, attract each other like magnets. From the cube, they could create a device that would attract energy from another Stone and store it for Hydra’s own use. It was weak, but it took enough power from the Time Stone that would enable them to manipulate time. However, it was only enough for one person, and that’s where I come in.”

“Hang on, back up. How did they get energy from the Time Stone in the first place? It’s been protected for years, there’s no way anyone could have gotten near it without anyone’s knowledge,” Steve questions.

“I don't know the exact details,” you continue, “from what I heard, there was a window of time where the Stone was exposed, allowing enough time to take some of its energy. A Hydra agent managed to return with the Stone’s power, and one hell of a promotion.”

“Right.” Tony speaks up after a moment of consideration, “So, you were the one they chose to give the power to?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

You sigh, “Ask myself that question everyday, but I haven't a clue. I guess I was easy. Weak, scared, young - they knew I couldn’t fight back and would obey without fuss. I was the easiest option.”

Steve opens his mouth to speak, but hesitates, crafting his next words carefully, “Y/N, how old were you when they took you?”

You look down at your feet, “Sixteen.”

“Jesus.” Sam breaths, rubbing his hands over his face in frustration.

You cast your eyes over to Bucky, his elbows are resting on his thighs as he looks down at his hands, and you notice his jaw clench.

Steve shakes his head and looks at the ground, a sigh escaping his lips, “When did they take you?”

“1983,” you state, wiping your clammy hands on your sweatpants, “I don’t remember the circumstances exactly. I was just walking home from school, when suddenly everything went black. Then I was in the chair, and they got to work.”

Tony sits down, “God, what did they even do? How did they get the energy from the Time Stone into you?”

“It was a liquid that they injected it straight into my blood stream,” you shudder, pushing down the nausea in the pit of your stomach, “and then boom, I could travel through time. I don’t know how they made the liquid - the ‘elixir’ they called it - that was top secret.”

“Why didn’t you just, like, time travel out of there? Surely they couldn’t catch you?”

“I considered it, but in order to use the power you need an extreme amount of focus and a trigger. The trigger is something from the time you want to travel to, anything physical. That bit was easy, with antiques and all that, but it means that you can only travel backwards, since it’s impossible to have an object from a time that doesn’t exist yet, if that makes sense.” You clear your throat, aware that you’re rambling, “The ‘focus’ was the difficult part. They tried to essentially wipe my mind, so all my focus was on their orders. This took them years to figure out, that’s what the experiments were for.”

“Did they do to you what they did to Barnes?” Natasha enquires.

Bucky’s eyes shoot to yours, and you notice a mild panic in them. You give him a reassuring smile, “I honestly have no idea, I was blacked out for most of it, but I don’t think so. They already knew that method, and if it worked for me then there wouldn't have been all those years of trial and error.”

There’s a pause as the information settles in, and sombreness fills the air. Tony clears his throat, “Okay, but how did you get here? As in this time?”

You take a deep breath, you know that all these questions are crucial in helping them understand you and your situation, but God it was exhausting. “I woke up in the 1941, completely in control. I guess after all their tries they still couldn't find a method strong enough. I wondered around, decided that there were worse places to end up. So I settled down and tried to make a life for myself, expecting to die of old age before Hydra could find me again. But I suppose the Stone doesn't just effect the time around me, but also my internal clock, since I haven’t really aged since I woke up in Brooklyn in 1941. I’ve been on the run since, knowing Hydra would look for me eventually, since I never completed my mission.”

“Which was?”

You look at the ground, shame oozing out of you. You were dreading this moment. This is where everything shifts. You avoid all their curious gazes, holding off the inevitable.

“Y/N,” Steve’s voice spoke gently, but strongly too, “what was your mission?”

Your eyes flicker back to Bucky to find him already watching you, confusion etching his features. You fear his reaction the most, and you know that there is no chance that he could ever trust you, not anymore. There’s still so much you haven’t told him, so much that you both weren’t ready for him to know. But this is where things get complicated. You hold eye contact with him for as long as possible - until the very last second.

“I…was sent to kill Steve Rogers.”

***

Next Chapter // Masterlist

A/N: Feedback is really appreciated!

#bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x you #bucky barnes x you #bucky imagine #bucky fanfic #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes imagine #bucky fanfiction #bucky #bucky barnes #james buchanan barnes

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homenum-revelio-hq · 4 years

Photo

Welcome to the Order of the Phoenix, Beth!

You have been accepted for the role of SIRIUS BLACK with the faceclaim of Jade Hassoune! We really enjoyed your discussion of Sirius’ relationships, particularly how his adult relationships (both negative and positive) have shaped his life. We also loved his biases and privileges section and thought it showed both strengths and flaws! We are so excited to have you as part of this roleplay!

Please take a look at the new member checklist and send in your account within 24 hours! Thank you for joining the fight against Voldemort!

OUT OF CHARACTER:

NAME: Beth

AGE: 24

TIMEZONE: CST

ACTIVITY LEVEL: I do work full time, but having a strong writing community is important to me and something that I actively make time for. Even on a bad week, I’ll check in at least two or three times to write, and I try to be around when I can to check the dash and talk even if I don’t have time for a reply. Also, I am that person who goes on semi-hiatus during a particular season and still tries to make regular activity because it’s important to me to try and stay on top of owed replies.

ANYTHING ELSE: I have no major triggers or squicks.

CHARACTER DETAILS:

NAME: Sirius Black

AGE: 21

GENDER, PRONOUNS, and SEXUALITY: Cis-male, He/Him. Sirius is bisexual, and while it isn’t something he hides, it also isn’t something he advertises. He’s been accused of being willing to flirt with anything that moves. While he finds that accusation unfair, he knows it’s not always untrue.

BLOOD STATUS: Pureblood

HOUSE ALUMNI: Gryffindor

ANY CHANGES: I would like to request an FC change to Jade Hassoune. I have a few reasons for this. The lazy one is that I already have gifs for him. That said, I think he can bring an interesting range for Sirius because some of his gifs are a little more brooding while others are big and expressive. He has a certain edge to most of the characters he has played that can work for situations where Sirius is being defiant or stubborn. I also like that because he is a person of color, it continues the tradition of taking what JKR gave us and making it more diverse. Plus, he has the hair (well, had) and effortless looks Sirius is known for.

CHARACTER BACKGROUND:

PERSONALITY:

Sirius has always been too big for some people to handle, and his response has always been that it isn’t his problem. Toning himself down for a situation is easier said that done, especially given Sirius’ tendency to speak first and think after. That impulsiveness has been there since he was young, and it can be a big disadvantage to him, especially when combined with his stubbornness. Sirius will say something without thinking of consequences, then dig in his heels about whatever it was rather than admit he might be wrong. This also means that he’ll sometimes go in-depth with planning for something that started out as a joke comment. He doesn’t know when to quit.

Choosing to instead focus on the positive, Sirius would argue that he isn’t impulsive but rather instinctual. He doesn’t always think things through before he does them, but that has worked out well for him, especially during duels.

Sirius would consider himself incredibly loyal, but the shadow side of that might be that Sirius can be a bit possessive. He makes strong assumptions that such loyalty will always be reciprocated, and he has a hard time understanding when that isn’t the case.

It frustrates him greatly that it feels like people around him focus on his flaws and don’t appreciate his strengths because he’s a fairly gifted duelist and fast thinker. Plus, his transfiguration skills are pretty great. Sirius never had to study in school because things came easy to him, and now that he’s out of school, it seems like everyone else is still “studying” at war when Sirius just wants to make a decision and go do.

Sirius doesn’t have a lot of patience for time or for people. When he gets frustrated or otherwise emotionally overwhelmed, it tends to make him rash and angry. Sirius would respond to one of his friends getting hurt, for example, by shouting at whoever their patrol partner was that should have been protecting them. He knows he’s no diplomat, but Sirius spent his formative years purposefully being the opposite. He can’t suddenly change it now.

BRIEF OVERVIEW OF FAMILY: (child abuse tw, but it’s minimally referenced)

Sirius spent his early days fighting against anything and everything. His father was once someone Sirius looked up to, but he doesn’t remember a time now of it being fondly. Instead Orion was someone to look at with fear, someone to flinch away from when he raised his voice or his hand. Sirius didn’t always know what he did wrong in those early days, but he quickly learned that sometimes it was better to be wrong on purpose because at least it felt earned. His mother was just as bad but in different ways. Sirius tended to hear her screaming more often, but he flat out ran once when he was nine because he knew one of her punishments was coming. Walburga was more creative than her husband, but she was also more of a perfectionist. Thanks to her, Sirius felt policed constantly.

His only shelter in those days was Regulus. Most days it was the two of them against the world. They didn’t always publicly get along, especially when Sirius’ antics landed them both in trouble. Still, they had each other on nights when it hurt to be alone or the nightmares crept in. They could sit side by side in the dark and whisper about what life would be like someday when they had magic of their own. Hogwarts changed everything for Sirius, and while that was mostly positive, it unfortunately meant that he lost Regulus. He couldn’t talk to his brother anymore; the language was gone. Even over the summers, things could never be the same. When Sirius ran away, he didn’t even tell Regulus he was going (although to be fair, he didn’t realize he was until a moment blew up too big with his parents to ever turn back). While he spent the rest of the summer wishing he had, the two didn’t even look at each other when they were first in the Great Hall together again at school. That childhood bond felt like it had finally severed completely.

The one person who seemed to humor Sirius at family events when he was young was Uncle Alphard, who always stuck out just a little bit. Sirius remembered hearing whispered about how Alphard was ‘peculiar,’ which wouldn’t have been a problem, except that he wouldn’t put duty first and produce an heir, which was a problem to a family as obsessed with legacy as the Blacks. Sirius had loved to hide in his shadow to avoid Orion and Walburga. He died a year after Sirius ran away, but Sirius had never imagined he’d be left Alphard’s fortune.

He immediately tried to use that fortunate to try and pay back the Potters for taking him in. While he’d suspected they wouldn’t accept anything, it choked up Sirius that they insisted that would be taking money from family. In many ways, Sirius considers James as much a brother as Regulus. Maybe they didn’t have the childhood history, but they had the important stuff. They had shared values and adventures, similar ideas and likeminded attitudes. At least they used to. Some days Sirius isn’t sure he knows who James is anymore. He doesn’t know what happened to the carefree James he used to know. Regardless, he isn’t about to let him go the way he once did Regulus.

OCCUPATION:

Employee at Florean Fortescue’s Ice Cream Parlour—Sirius has some money left from his uncle’s inheritance, but he needed something to keep him busy. He has toyed with applying for the Auror training program, but Sirius rationalized that he can do more for the Order with a less specific work schedule. Plus, he is aware of his own authority issues and feels like that might not be the best option to push himself at the Ministry with everything else going on. The job might not seem very punk rock, but working for Florean gives him something to do, people to interact with, and a fairly easy schedule to slide around.

ROLE WITHIN THE ORDER/THOUGHTS ABOUT THE ORDER:

Sirius has always been a bit self-absorbed about his role within the Order. He has always known he’d never make the inner circle, but he hadn’t wanted to. In school, Sirius had cultivated a careful rebel-without-a-cause attitude. He has a cause now, but he’s still a rebel first and foremost. Of course, Sirius is fighting for muggles and muggleborns. They just aren’t his first priority. Sirius’ first priority is fighting against the pureblood society he was raised in because he sees nothing good about it. The two causes aren’t necessarily the same thing. He often feels frustrated by the lack of progress because it feels like the people he grew up resenting just continue to grow more powerful. He sees no progress for the real cause nor progress for his own. Much of the time, Sirius would like to just do something big. If they can’t make progress, he’d like to at least make a statement, but he doesn’t even seem to be able to do that. Too much fine print in what’s supposed to be vigilante justice.

SURVIVAL:

If you asked Sirius what his plan was for tomorrow, he’d says the present is all that matters. That’s how he lives his life in most aspects. No matter what the war looks like, Sirius doesn’t look forward and see a bleak future because he doesn’t think that far away.

Right now, he’s living in an apartment that’s technically in Muggle London but as close to the Leaky Cauldron as he could find. He lives there alone and likes that only one of his neighbors complains about the loud music. He prefers muggle music, but the occasional wizarding rock album is similar enough to not give anyone pause. Sirius can mostly cook for himself, although his cooking does tend to be a bit basic. He can do pasta and protein with the occasional veggie when he feels like he has to. He can, though, make a mean cocktail, and that’s a skill Sirius has used often.

RELATIONSHIPS:

James was the first person Sirius had ever really found that understood him completely and totally. He saw James as this magnetic person he always wanted to have around. As they got older, things shifted, but Sirius never wants to lose that. Right now he feels like James is beginning to pull away and leave him behind. For what, Sirius isn’t sure. Stuffy meetings and worrying about people who take you for granted seems ridiculous to Sirius, but he tries not to say anything. James might act the part, but Sirius knows deep down he has to still be the same person. But Sirius has lost a brother before because of growing differences. He doesn’t want to do it again.

Remus is something that Sirius has always admired and thought the best of. Lately things have changed as Remus seems to make choices that Sirius doesn’t understand, and he also can’t figure out if they’re actually Remus’ choices or things being dictated to him. Sirius doesn’t like the idea that Remus is spending all his time around werewolves and wanna-be Death Eaters. Sirius doesn’t trust it and doesn’t like that Remus doesn’t have anyone with him to have his back. Lately he’s had a nagging thought that he wants to push down. If Remus won’t talk about it, what isn’t he saying? What’s going on when the Order isn’t around? Some days Sirius is afraid to find out. Others he can’t believe himself for ever doubting.

Then there’s Peter. Sirius has always suspected he’s too loud for Peter, too much. But Peter has been a loyal friend for years, always there when Sirius needs him. Lately he doesn’t see Peter as much, and while that’s hard, at least Sirius doesn’t have to worry about who he’s with. Peter’s too smart to accept a mission that sends him undercover among people with sharp dark magic skills and sharper tongues.

Lately Sirius has become enamored with the things Dorcas says, enjoying the lack of care in her voice. He remembers those days. He remembers when he wasn’t trying to temper himself to help James keep an image. She seems to agree with his frustration about the lack of progress. Her methods perhaps seem questionable, but in Sirius’ experience, the best things in life often do. He wishes the rest of his friends would remember that.

OOC EXPLORATION:

SHIPS/ANTI-SHIPS:

I ship chemistry above all else. I really like the idea of potentially exploring an m/m relationship with Sirius but am really just open to whatever comes up with a partner of any gender identity. The only specific ship I am mildly interested in is Sirius/Remus, but looking at the bio materials, the at-odds angle seems like it will be much more fun.

WHAT PRIVILEGES AND BIASES DOES YOUR CHARACTER HAVE?

Sirius grew up being taught that muggles were inherently primitive and uncivilized, despite the neighbors sharing their very walls at 12 Grimmauld Place being muggles. He learned pretty quickly to fix his own perspective on that in school, especially when surrounded by supposedly inferior magic users like Lily who were so gifted. It was one more reason his parents were wrong, and Sirius did so love when his parents were wrong.

He had a harder time wrapping his head around the idea that not everyone could just decide to be something different than what they were used to. Sirius always had a safety net to catch them when he was about to fall. When the final straw hit and he ran away from home, he had the Potter household to turn to, an equally pureblood, equally rich family who had the means to take him in. At a critical point when he needed his own money, Sirius received his inheritance from Alphard’s passing. Sirius has always managed to bounce up when he was at a crossroads that could have ended disastrously. The idea that someone else could be in a tricky situation with an “obvious right choice” and choose wrong because they didn’t have the resources to choose right is completely foreign to Sirius.

This sense of choice also fits into Sirius’ opinions on werewolves. He’d grown up hearing they were nothing but savage monsters, but Remus had never seemed that way. Once the other Marauders had become animagi, Sirius saw the full moons as proof that while Remus as a werewolf was wild, he was still Remus in some ways. They needed a different form, but the wolf didn’t attack them on sight. The knowledge, though flawed, gave Sirius a strong believe that the choices Remus and any other werewolf made on a full moon could be changed with the right leadup and decisions.

Back on the subject of muggles, Sirius has tried to embrace muggle culture, but he’s done so in a way that almost borders on fetish. He has spent time in muggle spaces, but it’s usually bars, movies, and other places that give him some kind of entertainment or satisfaction. He’s embraced muggle transportation, even if it did mean tweaking the motorcycle as soon as he bought it. Sirius would like to believe he has completely understood muggle culture, but in some ways he still holds on to that muggles-are-primitive mindset without realizing it. He doesn’t think they’re lesser; he just only pays attention to the things that can be of use to him.

WHAT ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO?

I love the concept of it being just the Order and the nuances that come from that. In the books, we see glimpses of just how much friction for the organization we see in Harry’s time. I can only imagine the first time around when not everyone believed he could be beaten. Everyone has a slightly different agenda, and since this rp focuses so specifically on the good, it means more time to devote to complicating what that means.

PLOT DROP IDEAS:

I have no specific ideas, although it would be interesting to see Sirius having to deal with family-related consequences, whether that’s something like dealing with Orion’s death eventually or maybe the consequences of something anti-muggle/pro-Death Eater that his parents sponsored or created.

ANYTHING ELSE: Not that I can think of!

#homenumaccepted #harry potter rp #marauders rp #marauders era rp #hp rp

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flying-elliska · 5 years

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What are the important bisexual characters that you said helped you? I am having a hard time finding good bi representation in which they aren’t considered promiscuous or unstable

Hiya anon ! What a quality question, thank you ! Here’s another mini essay about bi rep lmao. If there are some that I forgot please tell me ! And to everyone, tell me about the bi characters who made an impact on your life, I’d love to know !!!!

Okay so.

- When I answered the anon and talked about the characters that helped me come to terms with my sexuality, I talked about two in particular. Jack Harkness from Torchwood is depicted as very promiscuous, and somewhat instable. He still meant a lot to me because a) him sleeping around was never that much of a problem, it was because he was from the future, where things were different, which I thought was refreshing and b) his instability was because of the weight of being an immortal hero. Also fanon!Dean Winchester from SPN, as an older, more macho, emotionally witholding, badass dude written as bi meant a lot to me, but he doesn’t really avoid that stereotype either. But at least they were heroes. However, I can understand wanting bi characters that actually don’t fit that stereotype, because bi people irl aren’t all like that, even if there is nothing wrong per se about sleeping with a lot of different people, or having mental issues to struggle with. And that was a while ago and now we have more and more cool characters ! Such as :

- Rosa Diaz from Brooklyn Nine-Nine. One of the best portrayals of bisexuality on TV imho. She didn’t start out as bi, she was this tough, cool, scary but with a heart of gold cop who had a lot of other plotlines before. But then, since they saw that a lot of wlw got this vibe from her, were really into her, and the actress came out as bi herself, they decided to use this. So it was super organic, and the way they introduced the subject was true to Rosa herself ; she’s a super private person, she doesn’t like anybody knowing about her life (it’s actually a running joke and Rosa Diaz has been implied to not even be her real name). But then she is dating a woman, and struggles with her parents not understanding and her coworkers find out, help her and support her. Her gay captain is there for her in his typical stoic but hilarious way. They organize game night with her when her parents won’t anymore. We see her crushing on women and dating, but it is treated exactly as the other character’s love life, they never make a big deal out of it. She isn’t the token queer character. She says outright she is bisexual and there is a specific point about her mom not understanding it’s not a phase and thinking she’ll end up with a man anyway, which #relatable. The focus is on the team as found family. Also right now she’s dating a butch woman, which is awesome since they are so underrepresented on TV and I hope we see more of her. That show really is my comfort show, it’s still bloodly hilarious and it really transcends the format to say some really deep woke stuff too, but never in a way that feels on the nose. Everyone should watch it tbh.

- Korrasami ! Oh my god, I was so blown away when they got together. They’re two characters from the animated series Legend of Korra, they start out as rivals in love who have feelings for the same guy, but as they have to fight baddies together, they become bestest of friends, and both fall out of love with the guy. Then in season 3 and 4, their relationship becomes central to the show, as Asami stands by Korra through some really tough shit. Also, they’re both ultra badass and fight really well together. A lot of fans started reading their chemistry as romantic, but we’d never thought they’d actually go there. But the show ends with them walking into the ‘sunset’ (well, the spirit lands) together, holding hands. Now, it was never completely explicit on the show BUT they were dealing with a lot of censure from the networks and you have to be willingly obtuse not to read it as romantic. And after that the creators drew them on dates, and there is a comic series in which they are shown kissing, talking about their feelings, introducing each other to their families, etc. It made me feel so validated when it happened, and I just adore the whole ‘love triangle ditches the middle one and fall in gay love with each other’ trope. (is it a trope yet ? it should be.) It’s still a kids show at its core, but it has amazing depth and deals with some very deep shit. Korra starts off as a bit annoying but she has a really cool development, she’s a girl character we need more of - brave, dynamic but also brash and reckless and action driven in ways that are almost always exclusively shown for boys. And Asami is a more typical girly girl but she’s also a brilliant engineer and has a spine of steel and she’s also very slyly funny. They’re amazing. And the comics are super cute.

- Now there are a lot of characters who are bi/pan that I love, and are good characters in themselves, but their arcs do intersect in some ways with promiscuity and mental instability. I’m thinking about Even from Skam and all his remake variants, Magnus Bane from Shadowhunters, several characters from Black Sails, Sarah Lance and Constantine from Legends of Tomorrow, Eleanor Shellstrop from the Good Place, Bo from Lost Girl, Ilana from Broad City, Joe McMillan from Halt and Catch Fire, God/Chuck from Supernatural (lmaooooo), several characters on Penny Dreadful, or in a totally different category, Vilanelle from Killing Eve or Hannibal from the series (who are hella bad guys but it’s never linked to their sexuality, and are also incredibly compelling to watch.)

And even though these characters taken individually, I would argue, are good rep because they’re complex and layered and interesting and never one-dimensional (and watching them feels incredibly empowering at times)....it’s still a trend. I feel like when writing a character that is attracted to multiple genders, there is always this sort of...tangle of tropes that writers default to, unconsciously. Some negative and some positive. It used to be this trope of bis being villainous, instable, jealous, flaky, immature, perverted, manipulative, cheaters, amoral, greey, etc...and then it evolved into something of a reclaiming and subverting this trope. So now you feel like the Bi Character kind of has to be badass, glamorous, seductive, often superpowered or extraordinary in other ways.. And they also for multiple reasons (they’re immortal, they’re sensitive artist souls, they’re from the future, they’re psycho, they’re exccentric comic relief, they’re daring adventurers and pioneers) don’t care about social norms which allows them to sleep and fall in love with whomever. And so they tend to have those super busy romantic/sexual histories and very troubled backstories. In the past it was a bad thing, now it’s often presented as this positive, enlightened or at least fun and badass thing. They’re heroic, with big hearts, a tremendous lust for life and a cool rebellious attitude. They’re complex, dramatic, tortured. Which can be super cool, too.

But it would be nice to have more ‘normal’ bi characters. I mean, boring bisexuals need to see themselves represented too ! Our sexualities don’t give us super powers. At the same time, it is true that bisexual ppl have higher rates of mental illness, which deserves to be explored, but it would be nice if it was actually articulated and not just part of this trope. But still. We need rep, I think, that is more grounded and varied. So I think that’s also why I read a lot of fanfic. (I was really into the idea of bi Steve Rogers for a long time, partly also because he’s both very mentally resilient, kinda boring in a good way, and very unexperienced in terms of sex/romance, which is pretty much the opposite of the trope)

- I think books, and YA in general, are a good place to find these ‘normal bis’ characters. I’m thinking in particular of Leah from Leah on the Offbeat by Becky Albertalli (from the same book series that gave us the ‘Love, Simon’ movie) which is a super sweet coming of age/romance story about a super normal teenager who just happens to be also into girls (esp her best friend) and is loud and funny and very lovable and has zero doubts about being bi. You also have Adam Parrish from the Raven Cycle, another one of my forever faves ; he has an abusive family so PTSD from that but it never feels tropey, and it’s completely detached from his sexuality. He has magic powers, too. But his character feels completely opposite to the trope. He’s hardworking, somewhat withholding, prickly (and sometimes awkward), ambitious, determined, down to earth, and has a beautiful love story with another boy. And also Jane, from Jane Unlimited by Kristin Cashore, also really cool ; she’s a nerdy, smart girl who is actually inspired by Jane Eyre who has cool adventures in a weird house where we can follow her on different paths depending on the choices she makes, several of which are love stories. And finally the main character from The Seven Husbands from Evelyn Hugo, kinda fits the trope yeahhh since she’s a super glam actress who well, has seven husbands but it’s a pretty clever deconstruction since it turns out (slight spoilers) that Evelyn is actually through most of her life faithful in heart to the same person and the rest is mostly out of necessity, and her story feels very real and raw and down to earth.

- I don’t go there yet but I really want to check out Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and Schitt’s Creek which I have read have very good bi rep. And I want to catch up on Orphan Black (Cosima and Delphine both don’t have exact labels but they’re multi-gender attracted and they’re this cool couple of scientists in a relationship that gets a happy ending). I will never forgive what they did to Lexa so I stopped watching but I do think that Clarke Griffin from The 100 is very good bi rep. Alexia from Skam France, meanwhile, is a bit of a boundary case for me because, even though she’s presented as the ‘weird one’ from the group, very colorful and liberated and exccentric, she’s still a very normal teen who’s happy and comfortable in her own skin, which is awesome.

- Disclaimer, I included characters in here that are also pan/omnisexual or don’t have a label but are attracted to several genders, for the purpose of this discussion i don’t think the difference is all that relevant at least to me (i mostly identify as bi for the sake of simplicity but tbh i could also fit under pan so i feel represented by all those characters). But I understand the importance of characters that state their identities more clearly and with pride.

- So in conclusion : there is nothing wrong with having a sexually active life or struggling mentally (even tho that one is not fun). And I do love all my badass casanova time travelling super powered bis.

But we need more bi characters that don’t fit that trope. We need bi characters in children’s shows, or that don’t have more than one relationship, or that don’t have a relationship at all, to break the tendency to always show bisexual ppl as overly sexual. We need bi characters in committed relationships to break this idea that bi characters are bound to cheat or can’t be satisified with only one person. We need bi characters that are mentally stable and successful and happy, to show that it’s possible. We need bi characters that are boring, bookish, nerdy, ordinary, clumsy, not particularly seductive, socially awkward, rule-sticklers, etc...to show that bi people are not all party animals, or doing it for attention, or to be wild, rebellious and socially progressive. It’s just a sexuality, it doesn’t say anything about your personality. Even though there are some correlations with MI or being bi might bring you in contact with more progressive ideas and to see life a bit differently, there is nothing automatic about it.

- In conclusion, reading testimonies from real people also helped me a lot. It’s a very dated but I got the book “ Bi Any Other Name: Bisexual People Speak Out “ when I was struggling with my own sexuality and it helped a lot, to read that even back then (1991) you had all sorts of regular ppl claiming to be bi and that it was not a phase or a fad or whatever.

#bisexuality #bi rep #media representation #bi pride #lgbt #bi characters

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thegoddessprose · 5 years

Text

Another survey

ONES 1. I like to be organized and orderly. 2. It is difficult for me to be spontaneous. 3. I often feel guilty about not getting enough accomplished. 4. I don’t like it when people break rules. 5. Incorrect grammar and spelling bother me a lot. 6. I am idealistic. I want to make the world a better place. 7. I am almost always on time. 8. I hold on the resentment for a long time. 9. I think of myself as being practical, reasonable, and realistic. 10. When jealous, I become fearful and competitive. 11. Either I don’t have enough time to relax or I think I shouldn’t relax. 12. I tend to see things in terms of right or wrong, good or bad.

13. I analyze major purchases very thoroughly before I make them. 14. I dread being criticized or judged by others. 15. I often compare myself with others. 16. Truth and justice are very important to me. 17. I often feel that time is running out and there is too much left to do. 18. I almost always do what I say I will do. 19. I worry almost constantly. 20. I love making every detail perfect.

TWOS 1. I want people to feel comfortable coming to me for guidance and advice. 2. Relationships are more important to me than almost anything. 3. Sometimes I feel overburdened by people’s dependence on me. 4. I have trouble asking for what I need. 5. I crave, yet sometimes fear, intimacy. 6. I am more comfortable giving than receiving. 7. I am very sensitive to criticism. 8. I work hard to overcome all obstacles in a relationship. 9. I try to be as sensitive and tactful as possible. 10. When I am alone I know what I want, but when I am with others, I am not sure. 11. It is very important that others feel comfortable and welcome in my home. 12. I don’t want my dependence to show. 13. Watching violence on television and seeing people suffer is unbearable. 14. Sometimes I feel a deep sense of loneliness. 15. If I don’t get the closeness I need, I feel sad, hurt, and unimportant. 16. Sometimes I get physically ill and emotional drained from taking care of everyone else. 17. I often figure out what others would like in a person, than act that way. 18. I enjoy giving compliments and telling people that they are special to me. 19. I am attracted to being with important or powerful people. 20. People have said I exaggerate too much and am overly emotional.

THREES 1. I am almost always busy. 2. I like to make to-do lists, progress charts, and schedules for myself. 3. I don’t mind being asked to work overtime. 4. I have an optimistic attitude. 5. I go full force until I get the job done. 6. I believe in doing things as expediently as possible. 7. It is important for people to better themselves and live up to their potential. 8. I’m not interested in talking a lot about my personal life. 9. I try not to let illness stop me from doing anything. 10. I hate to see jobs undone. 11. I tend to put work before other things. 12. I can’t understand people who are bored. I never run out of things to do. 13. It is sometimes difficult for me to get in touch with my feelings. 14. I work very hard to take care of and provide for my family. 15. I like identifying with competent groups or important people. 16. I try to present myself well and make a good first impression. 17. Financial security is extremely important to me. 18. I generally feel pretty good about myself. 19. People often look to me to run the show. 20. I like to stand out in some way.

FOURS 1. Being understood is very important to me. 2. My friends say they enjoy my warmth and my different way of looking at life. 3. I can become nonfunctional for hours, days, or weeks when I’m depressed. 4. I am very sensitive to critical remarks and feel hurt at the tiniest slight. 5. It really affects me emotionally when I read upsetting stories in the newspaper. 6. My ideals are very important to me. 7. I cry easily. Beauty, love, sorrow, and pain really touch me. 8. My melancholy moods are real and important. I don’t necessarily want to get out of them. 9. I often long for what others have. 10. I try to support my friends, especially when they are in crisis. 11. I live in the past and in the future more than in present–day reality. 12. I place great importance on my intuition. 13. I try to control people at times. 14. I hate insincerity and lack of integrity in others. 15. I have spent years longing for the great love of my life to come along. 16. I focus on what is wrong with me rather than on what is right. 17. I like to be seen as one of a kind. 18. I am always searching for my true self. 19. Sometimes I feel very uncomfortable and different, like an isolated outsider, even when I’m with my friends. 20. When people tell me what to do, I often become rebellious and do, or wish I could do, the opposite.

FIVES 1. I learn from observing or reading as opposed to doing. 2. It’s hard to express my feelings in the moment. 3. I get lost in my interests and like to be alone with them for hours. 4. I usually experience my feelings more deeply when I’m by myself. 5. Sometimes I feel guilty that I’m not generous enough. 6. I try to conceal my sensitivity to criticism and judgment. 7. Brash, loud people offend me. 8. Conforming is distasteful to me. 9. I like to associate with others who have expertise in my field. 10. I like having a title (doctor, professor, administrator) to feel proud of. 11. I have been accused of being negative, cynical, and suspicious. 12. When I feel socially uncomfortable, I often wish could disappear. 13. I am often reluctant to be assertive or aggressive. 14. I dislike most social events. I’d rather be alone or with a few people I know well. 15. I sometimes feel shy or awkward. 16. I get tired when I’m with people for too long. 17. I feel different from most people. 18. I feel invisible. It surprises when anyone notices anything about me. 19. I don’t look for material possessions to make me happy. 20. Acting calm is a defense. It makes me feel stronger.

SIXES 1. I am nervous around certain authority figures. 2. I am often plagued by doubt. 3. I like to have clear-cut guidelines and to know where I stand. 4. I am always on the alert for danger. 5. I take things too seriously. 6. I constantly question myself about what might go wrong. 7. I often experience criticism as an attack. 8. I often obsess about what my partner is thinking. 9. I can be a very hard worker. 10. My friends think of me as loyal, supportive, and compassionate. 11. I’ve been told I have a good sense of humor. 12. I follow rules closely (a phobic trait); or I often break rules (a counterphobic trait). 13. The more vulnerable I am in my intimate relationship, the more anxious and testy I become. 14. I tend to either procrastinate or plunge headlong, even into dangerous situations. 15. I am very aware of people trying to manipulate me with flattery. 16. I like predictability. 17. I have sabotaged my own success. 18. I can support people through thick and thin. 19. I like being neat and orderly. It helps me feel more in control of my life. 20. I dislike pretension in people.

SEVENS 1. I enjoy life. I am generally uninhibited and optimistic. 2. I don’t like being made to feel obligated or beholden. 3. I am busy and energetic. I seldom get bored if left to do what I want. 4. I often take verbal or physical risks. 5. I usually pick upbeat friends who have similar goals. 6. I’m not an expert in any one thing, but I can do many things well. 7. My style is to go back and forth from one task to another. I like to keep moving. 8. I seem to let go of grievances and recover from loss faster than most people I know. 9. I like myself and I’m good to myself. 10. I like people and they usually like me. 11. I usually manage to get what I want. 12. I value quick wit. 13. I am idealistic. I want to contribute something to the world. 14. I vacillate between feeling committed and wanting my freedom and independence. 15. I am often at ease in groups. 16. When people are unhappy, I usually try to get them to lighten up and see the bright side. 17. I love excitement and travel. 18. Sometimes I feel inferior and sometimes I feel superior to others. 19. I usually say whatever is on my mind. Sometimes it gets me into trouble. 20. I can make great sacrifices to help people.

EIGHTS 1. I can be assertive and aggressive when I need to be. 2. I can’t stand being used or manipulated. 3. I value being direct and honest; I put my cards on the table. 4. I am an individualist and a nonconformist. 5. I respect people who stand up for themselves. 6. I will go to any lengths to protect those I love 7. I fight for what is right. 8. I support the underdog. 9. Making decisions is not difficult for me. 10. Self–reliance and independence are important. 11. I have overindulged in food or drugs. 12. Some people take offense of my bluntness. 13. When I enter a new group, I know immediately who the most powerful person is. 14. I work hard and I know how to get things done. 15. In a group I am sometimes an observer rather than a participant. 16. I like excitement and stimulation. Sometimes I like to spar with people, especially when I feel safe. 17. I am vulnerable and loving when I really trust someone. 18. Overly nice or flattering people bother me. 19. Pretense is particularly distasteful to me.

NINES 1. I often feel in union with nature and people. 2. Making choices can be very difficult. I can see the advantages and disadvantages of every option. 3. It is sometimes hard for me to know what I want when I’m with other people. 4. Others see me as peaceful, but inside I often feel anxious. 5. Instead of tacking what I really need to do, I sometimes do little unimportant things. 6. When there is unpleasantness going on around me, I just try to think about something else for a while. 7. I usually prefer walking away from a disagreement to confronting someone. 8. If I don’t have some routine and structure in my day, I get almost nothing done. 9. I tend to put things off until the last minute, but I almost always get them done. 10. I like to be calm and unhurried, but sometimes I overextend myself. 11. When people try to tell me what to do or try to control me, I get stubborn. 12. I like to be sure to have time in my day for relaxing. 13. Sometimes I feel shy and unsure of myself. 14. I enjoy just hanging out with my partner or friends. 15. Supportive and harmonious relationships are very important to me. 16. I am very sensitive about being judged and take criticism personally. 17. I like to listen and give people support. 18. I focus more on the positive than on the negative. 19. I have trouble getting rid of things. 20. I operate under the principle of inertia: if I’m going, it’s easy to keep going, but I sometimes have a hard time getting started.

#survey #bold survey #bored #surveys

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alethia000 · 5 years

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[TRANS] Nichkhun’s Interview with SUDSAPDA Magazine (March 2019)

[Thai-English Trans by Daffodil0624]

Nichkhun Horvejkul

Turning 30, Growth and New Challenges in Life

Speaking of 2PM’s Nichkhun, we all know he is a globally famous K-Pop idol and one of the top idols in Asia. Especially for Thai people, Nichkhun has been the pride of Thailand. He has demonstrated his capabilities in the South Korean entertainment industry as a Thai idol who has become highly successful.

Over ten years as an idol in South Korea, Nichkhun is constantly improving himself in order to prove his abilities. He has grown both in his versatility and attitude towards life. Nevertheless, one thing that remains perpetually unchanged is his youthful looks that many people envy.

Despite his boyish looks, Nichkhun is already 30.

“I am 30 years old and turning 31 this year. (Nichkhun was born on June 24, 1988.) I don’t feel old. I still feel young. I still want to learn new things because there are so many things I don’t know. I don’t feel old if I don’t think of the number. Every now and then I was a bit shocked about my age after meeting new idols. When I asked their age and they replied 18, hmm… I am pretty old actually.” (laugh)

“Physically, I get tired a bit more quickly than before. (laugh) But I have always kept my body fit. I take a few vitamin supplements. I focus on exercising regularly, going to the gym, and playing golf and badminton. I have always encouraged my fans to exercise. Don’t gain weight. My fans often said they would wait for me to gain weight first.” (smile)

(SUDSAPDA: You have such a youthful appearance for a 30-year-old man. Can you tell us your tips for staying young?)

“Using Dr. Jill as my skincare product. (laugh heartily) It’s a product selling time. However, the most important things are getting enough sleep, drinking plenty of water and exercising. These are 3 things you need to do along with applying good skincare products. If we don’t take care of ourselves, using expensive skincare products won’t help. I have to take good care of myself and maintain a high level of discipline. I don’t have much time (because of my busy schedules). I don’t sleep or eat meals at a regular time. Sometimes I am in a hurry and have to eat fast food like hamburgers or French fries. Eating a lot of fast food is unhealthy.”

Seeing the world through the eyes of a man who has grown up

“I have become more relaxed with my work system. In the past, I was too strict with myself and people around me. Everything had to be perfect. You could not veer off track. I was very serious and stressed out with my works. Nowadays, I have learned that everyone has different capabilities and personalities. Other people may be different from the kind of person I am. Nobody is right or wrong. We don’t have to adjust people around us to be like us. We should find the middle ground. Compromising is the best solution.”

“These days I am trying not to stress myself out. I believe this is one of the reasons I still feel young. I am enjoying everything around me unceasingly. As I mentioned before, it is important that we have to take care of our body. However, our thoughts and mind are the most important. My age may change but my endeavour to improve myself and to be a better man remains unchanged. I am always trying.”

“In my 20s, I was like a kid who went to Disneyland for the first time. Everything looked like fun and exciting. I could not clearly remember everything I did during the time. Every day I met new people. I had so many new works/things to do that I could not focus. I did not know whether I did those things because I wanted to or because I had to.”

“When I was 25, I started to manage myself better. I began to learn how to behave as a singer and a star. I was extremely busy and stressed. As I said earlier, I was too strict with everything. I never let things go. Everything needed to be perfect. Now that I have reached my 30s (smile), things seem more relaxing. I have learned to let go. I have learned how to talk to certain people and how to treat them while I am working. I think I have become more mature as I get older.”

Eleven years as a Korean idol

“Twelve to thirteen years ago, I moved to Korea to become a JYPE trainee. I took singing, rapping, dancing, acting, and Korean classes. It was similar to a boarding school. My dorm was next to the company. I went to the company in the morning to practice, had my lunch break, and went back to practice. I went home in the evening or at night. I didn’t know what my future would be like because I had not debuted yet. After debuting, we had a very busy work schedule. I had an opportunity to work in Thailand too. My life was surrounded by things like fame and money. At first, my mother was worried about whether I would get carried away and become arrogant. Fortunately, I am Thai. My parents have taught me to behave appropriately according to time and place and to show respect for elders. I know that I should do the “wai,” Thai traditional form of greeting to greet and say goodbye. It is something I do habitually. No matter where I live, as a Thai person, I always behave politely, humbly and respectfully towards others. It is fortunate I have these characteristics. To be honest, I don’t have time to become conceited. (smile) I have a very intense work schedule. Every so often I was so busy I didn’t know what I was doing. I just did what they told me to do. At times, things went by in a blur.”

“I respect the Korean way of work. They are methodical and control everything explicitly. They would tell us exactly what we cannot do. A manager lived with us in our dorm. Every time we wanted to go out to see our friends, we had to ask for his permission first. If he said it was okay to go, we had to come back to the dorm on time. Our Korean teams are strict but they have their reasons. If we think thoroughly, we are considered a product. If anything happens to us, it is like their product is damaged. The company may suffer losses after assessing the cost of production.”

(SUDSAPDA: When did you know you became well-known as an artist?)

“When I went out and people wanted to take photos with me, walked or ran to follow me around. It was a little strange. After times passed, I have understood this is my life. I have to face these things from now on. I have to accept the ways things are and be able to adjust myself.”

“For 11 years as 2PM’s Nichkhun, I have to fight a battle since the very first day I made a decision to walk this path. Every day is a battle. The battle within myself occurs most frequently and is the toughest battle I have fought. We hardly have to fight with everything around us that we have no control over. What we are able to control is our action, mind, thought and speech, all of which can affect everything in our life. I believe a battle within oneself is most arduous.”

“I have regularly reminded myself if I live a leisurely and easy life, I will never grow or improve. We have to encounter both positive and negative experiences. Then we will become a better person. We will know things more than we previously knew. Lastly, we will be able to think more comprehensively. I feel fortunate for having a chance to work and live overseas. I have been able to learn people’s thoughts in each country that I visited. Applying and learning from different thoughts, I have gained a broader perspective and become more understanding and perceptive of other people.”

Thai idol

Pride vs Expectation

“The word ‘idol’ paved the way for me until I have reached this position. I don’t feel like I am an idol though. Most people possibly consider idols as someone untouchable. I prefer to believe I am working and having a career as an actor, a singer and an artist.”

“I have to say I was lucky for getting into music business during the period of the global K-pop boom. I am one of the first foreigners who have become successful in South Korea. It was such great timing. I have been fortunate for meeting and working with great people. Luck and opportunity came along at the right moments.”

“I have often heard sentences like: “Nichkhun is the first Thai who has become successful in the Korean entertainment business. Nichkhun is the pride of Thailand.” My feelings after hearing these sentences have changed. Initially, I didn’t know how well-known or successful I was. When I heard these sentences, I felt like it was a burdensome expectation. I didn’t understand why people had to say I was the national pride. During that time, I was just trying to fulfil my responsibilities. After a while, I have understood that I have received this nickname because I am Thai. People admire me for being able to come this far. That’s why I am careful not to do anything that will damage the reputation of my country. I have always tried to think good thoughts, say good words, and do good deeds. In reality, I am human and I make mistakes sometimes. However, I have drawn a line for myself that I will never cross. I have always felt that Thai fans are my personal pride. They have given me moral support until I am able to come this far. Being considered as the pride of my country is one of the great honours of my life.”

2PM and their strong friendship

“My achievement as a member of 2PM is one of the most memorable things in my life. However, what impresses me most is the fact that six members of 2PM who are remarkably different have been able to work and live together like we are in the same family. I am glad that in my life I have met and become friends with these five people. To be frank, during the earliest days of working together as a band, we were still competitors. (laugh) We didn’t totally hit it off. There were some feelings like I wanted to have more airtime or singing parts. Nevertheless, we have worked together for a long period of time now. We have experienced several good and bad situations together. We have stood by each other through thick and thin for 10 years. Including our trainee days, we have been together for 12 years. I know they are my true friends. I can say I consider them my real friends whom I am willing to sacrifice my life for. Nowadays, when anything happens, we yield to (the wishes or opinions of) each other.”

(SUDSAPDA: Younger idols consider 2PM as an exemplary boy band. How do you maintain strong friendships in the group?)

“Opening up to each other. Living and spending time together almost all the time, we sometimes got irritated, angry or mad at each other. Even people in the same family get mad at each other occasionally. When we were upset or had some conflicts, we would honestly talk to each other. Even though they were issues between two people, six of us would get together to straighten things out. Everything had to be clear before we went our separate ways or went to sleep. We would not leave things unresolved. These days we know each other inside out. If someone has certain facial expressions, we know what’s on his mind (or know that there’s something wrong).”

Nichkhun’s free days

“Besides exercising, if I have a free day, I usually stay at home. I hardly go out. I work overseas, travel, and stay at hotels all the time. When I have some free time, I want to stay home. I enjoy cooking and eating. I have a dream that one day I will open a restaurant. I have more work schedules in Thailand lately. If I have some spare time, I often go to Hua Hin with my family. If I don’t have much time, I try to see my family every time I come back. I had a meal with over 20 relatives recently. It felt great. Thailand is my home no matter what.”

Nichkhun’s pride in his first solo album

“I consider releasing a solo album as a new step in my career. It is a new challenge for me in my thirties. I have said time and again that my path in the entertainment business truly started below zero. I had no interest in singing, dancing, or performing in front of hundreds or thousands of people. After passing the audition and becoming a JYPE trainee, I began to learn and practice everything. It’s like I started counting from zero. Ten years later, I have an opportunity to release my own album. It makes me profoundly proud of myself. At the same time, I have wondered why I didn’t do it earlier.” (laugh)

(SUDSAPDA: Why didn’t you release your album in your twenties?)

“During the time, I had never thought I was a talented singer. I never thought I would be able to sing alone. I didn’t have any confidence. I have small singing parts in 2PM’s albums but I have been happy with my works. I enjoy working with my friends. If some of us have something lacking in certain areas, we help to complement each other. Now that some of my friends are in the army, I have to find my own path. Focusing solely on acting is too limiting. I would like to try doing something different. Releasing a solo album is definitely new for me. I was deeply anxious that I had to perform in a two-hour concert alone. I didn’t know whether I would do it well or be able to hold everything together in front of thousands of audience members. After I went on stage and started performing, I felt relieved that everything went smoothly. Huh… I am not as bad as I thought. (smile) I worried beforehand.”

“I am thankful for having been a member of 2PM for 10 years. I can perform in a solo concert today because of prior experiences with my friends. I think of my solo album as the first step to being an artist, not an idol. My album “ME” results from the music styles I like. I have participated in composing and writing songs, singing and playing musical instruments. I have come up with concepts for each song and decided how it was going to begin and end. Then my producers helped me creating music. I cannot do everything all by myself. At the moment, I have been practising piano and guitar for my concerts so frequently my fingers hurt. I want to be proficient at playing these instruments because I aim to create my own songs all by myself. I want to make music that appeals to a broad base of fans, music that they can listen to any time.”

“I like every song in my album “ME.” If I have to choose, Mars is my favourite song. I once had an idea that I wanted to make a song called Mars. I wrote this song while I was on the way to vacation in Hua Hin with my family. Sitting in the van alone, I hummed a tune and felt these melodies were pretty good. I recorded them on my phone and wrote the lyrics later. I asked my friend who composed my first song, Let It Rain, to listen to the melodies. We had a discussion and I told him I wanted it to be a song with only piano (and vocals). After he played these melodies for me, I recorded the song. From what I have learned, a good time to write a song is when I have a clear head. The easiest time is when I take a shower. A warm shower can be so relaxing my mind is bright, clear, and overflowing with ideas and melodies. Sometimes I had to hastily pick up my phone to record these ideas even before I finished taking a shower.” (laugh)

Nichkhun’s upcoming works

“I released my album “ME” at the end of last year. I am planning an Asian Tour this year. For Thai fans, please wait a little longer. I will absolutely hold a solo concert in Thailand. We are having a discussion about timing. I will release an international version of my album which includes a Thai version as well. Please stay tuned for my upcoming works. I have always told my fans I want them to be happy, healthy, and wealthy. (smile) I may not be able to see all of my fans. What I can give you most is an inspiration and my works that I have put a lot of effort into. Whenever you are sad or disheartened, I want you to listen to “ME.” I hope you will be happy and feel encouraged to keep going.”

[Thai-English Trans by Daffodil0624]

MAY BE TAKEN OUT WITH PROPER CREDITS

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