You know what is just mind boggling? Neurotypical people exist. Like there are people who can just DO things and not have depression, anxiety (in every form ever), RSD, sensory overloads, and not get overwhelmed. Like there are people who can work for eight hours every day and still do things after. People who can make phone calls with no struggle. Who aren't constantly bombarded by a cacophony of thoughts both good and bad when they do things. Who have anxiety but it isn't crippling. who can spend hours, WEEKS with people and not get tired or fear that everyone there hates you. People who have no idea what Depression or intense trauma feel like. People who hear instructions and do it right first go. People who can follow a conversation without zoning out, or having to mask.
Like. Do neurotypical people actually exist?
Because I can't even imagine what it would be like to be neurotypical. Or mentally healthy. Both sound alien and foren. But like. Obviously they exist because neurodivergent people wouldn't struggle so much if not for how the world was structured for Neurotypical people but I don't know if I've ever met a neurotypical.
idk. food for thought I guess.
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high functioning depressed bitches rise!
✅ responsible for emotional state of entire family from a young age
✅ generally bubbly personality despite internal fear and despair
✅ will be in the absolute depths of misery and mental illness but work and academic performance will never once falter
sometimes i try to talk to my friends about being upset and i get so so uncomfortable bc my whole life i was taught not to burden other people with my sadness so i end up either apologizing or comforting them every time!
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One Year Has Passed
In case you were wondering what depression can look like. It can look exactly like this.
Cheslie Corrinne Kryst
April 28, 1991 - January 30, 2022
It can also look like this:
And.... it can also look like this....
But what I’ve come to realize, which has made me take a step back from social media platforms in general since her passing is something that she had mentioned before. “Social media is a highlight reel.”
I would say I can’t believe a year has passed since she made the choice to leave this world, but I can, because I felt various levels of grief throughout it. I followed her avidly on social media on several different platforms. I perceived her to be happy, and funny, goofy, constantly with a smile on her face. I also perceived her to be kind, intelligent, goal oriented, ambitious, and a powerhouse of a woman, that had many many skill sets, and a wide knowledge base. Which is only a few of the reasons I had picked her to become my face claim for my Riley in most of my stories when I started writing on the fandom. I looked up to her as a minority woman from my home state, and she had accomplished so much in her 30 years walking this earth.
You can show what you perceive to be the “best of you” to the world and can be struggling with so much more under the surface. She talked once on a post about how many pictures they had taken before they decided on the one to post that made her look “flawless.”
We put so much pressure on ourselves to make an effort to be what we perceive to be “perfect.” Some of those pressures are societal, feeling you have to conform to a certain standard of “beauty” or “professionalism” even racial norms, what it means to be “Black” or a minority navigating this world, or simply being a person navigating this world.
For this, I say, we must have more grace with ourselves. The things we say to ourselves in our minds, we would never say to our best friends. So why do we feel it’s ok to say those negative things about our selves?
We must stop being our own worst critic. We have to love ourselves more. Have those conversations not only with the people that look to be visibly struggling but those that look perfectly fine. People are leaving this world by their own choice at an alarming rate. We have to have those conversations with each other that are difficult.
Because I don’t want to lose someone else, I care about this way.
No, I didn’t know Cheslie personally, I wish I had, and over 3 years, I created a world here for her in my stories I created, and I feel like I knew her, and I still miss her. Seeing all the tributes come across social media for her, by family, friends, and fans, shows the impact she had on the world, and the legacy she will have. I really do hope that she found the peace she was looking for, even though selfishly I still wish she was still here in physical presence.
Every person that we lose this way, is one too many.
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Not to get serious but it's weird to me, that when I tell my friends I had a small breakdown they ask me what caused it.
And I just don't have an answer. For the it's always a bad thing causes a spiral and then the breakdown, to me it starts out of nowhere and then spirals.
I just never know if this is a mental illness or just stress, tiredness and everything else combined. I have been looking into things such as high-functioning depression, but I do not know if my symptoms are regular enough for that. I also don't want to diagnose myself, that's a bit dumb, on the other hand telling myself there is nothing wrong with me, it's just chemicals in the brain acting up (but if I heard correctly that is kinda debunked lmao!) somehow helps? It's all weird.
No matter what, as someone who wants to become a teacher, before I do, I will definitely seek help. This is a sign, if you want to become a teacher, to do the same. In my opinion, it's important for a teacher to not be perfect but be stable. If you loose your cool nearly every other class, yelling in situations where other teachers are calm, you should not be teaching.
Every teacher needs to build respect, but screaming will only give you the label of "the crazy one" or "the unstable one". You are teaching children, you cannot expect them to think "Oh, the teacher reacted like this because they have mental illness" everytime you yell. You're there to teach them, they're there to learn.
You don't have to have 100% of your energy every day and again, you cannot be perfect, but these are young minds who are affected by your outbursts.
If this feels out of nowhere I just have a lot of thoughts about my mental health and about some of my teachers. Teaching is a hard job. Don't teach if you hate children. Don't teach high schoolers if you find every teenager annoying. Don't work at a kindergarten if you can't stand answering silly questions.
THANK YOU IF YOU READ THIS RANT
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okay, weird thought, but does anyone else have like a "safe scene" for when you have really violent intrusive thoughts or repetitive triggers or ptsd flashbacks that just keep cycling in your brain over and and over so you try to force your brain into that scene because it's safe? like mine for example is someone rolling up a scroll (one with the visual memory) and putting it into a barrel and then walking away to a far away gazebo. like.... anyone else? just like a scene your brain reverts to when you just don't want to see a memory?
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anyone else randomly have to sit down cause there's a soul crushing burden of loneliness and fear of the future but then you have to breathe cause you don't have time to break and go back to work or is it just me
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