#having no friends as a child kinda ruins your brain
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Me: no I'm totally fine what makes you think somethings wrong?
Also me but the more logical bit: we binge watched a ton of old nyxrising vlogs and Julian's talk about gender identity because our parents are being mean about our gender, neurodivergency and the fact we don't have a job so we're distracting ourself with the fantasy of having a queer family that actually loves us for us, not what we can pretend to be or how quickly we can be independent
Me: oh
#I'm a little fucked in the head hehe 🥰#it's ranting on the hellsite time of night#surprise surprise my period is on its way so my hormones are fucking my whole sense of self up#also I actually talk to myself like this all the time irl#having no friends as a child kinda ruins your brain#anyway#tempted to tag this as nyxrising or something#but I'll spare the innocent people who still follow that tag from listening to a dumb teenager complain about not having the perfect family#gods I sound entitled#I need some sleep#I'll feel better in the morning#probably get some good fanfiction out of my teenage angst at least#haha#that's not funny
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UNEXPECTED NEWS!
Synopsis: Pregnant with your first child, how do you plan on dropping the news to your husband?
Genre: married au! KUWTB!
Warnings: whole lotta fluff.. cussing, mentions of sex, playful banter, found family… just fucking fluff bye.
a/n: well long awaited drabble.. I honestly adore all of them so much… Jungkook and oc were being extra cutesy (they usually play fighting all the time) in this.. enjoy🤍 ps I’m high as fuck so ignore all mistakes.
ask! KUWTB💌
“You’re fucking pregnant?” Your best friend whispers, Eunbi stares at you with wide eyes and mouth hanging open.
You had been feeling weird these past few days, from your emotions being all over the place to throwing up whenever you ate something. Jungkook was worried about what was wrong, but you just told him that you were on your period, which was a lie since you hadn’t had it in some time now.
So, here you are, sitting against the wall in the bathroom of Eunbi’s house with a positive pregnancy test in your hand. “I’m going to be an auntie!” Eunbi dances in front of you, her blonde hair coming undone from her bun.
“Oh my god, I’m pregnant.” It finally clicks in your brain that a small human is forming in your belly at this very moment, tears start streaming down your face.
You and Jungkook have been married for five years now. When you first got married, you both said you would enjoy your marriage and have fun. And that’s exactly what you did; you traveled a lot, went out to parties until five in the morning, did spontaneous stuff all the time.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Eunbi rushes to your side, kneeling down in front of you, lifting your face up. “Are these happy tears or sad tears?” She asks, her thumbs wiping your tears away, ruining your makeup.
“Both.” You sniffle, your eyes finally meeting her hazel eyes.
“Wanna talk about it?” Eunbi asks slowly, trying to read your expression.
Eunbi has been your best friend since college days; she was your dorm roommate. You both majored in the same thing, meaning you guys had almost every class together.
“It’s just that..” you pout, as the tears continue to fall.
“I’m happy, I’m really happy. But Kook and I haven’t talked about having a baby anytime soon. I don’t know how he’ll react.” You explain, as Eunbi only nods her head.
“Y/n, that man loves you so much, it’s even absurd what he would do for you. Knowing him, he would literally jump off a cliff for you. I don’t think he’ll react badly, but if he does, I’ll have the guys throw him off the cliff. Anyways, he loves you a lot with a baby or without a baby.” Eunbi says, helping you stand up before hugging.
“How do you think I should tell him?” You sniffle, as Eunbi chuckles, letting go of you.
“Pregnancy reveal plan in the making!” Eunbi says.
“And can we get out of here, this is where Yoongi takes his shits, it kinda smells bad,” Eunbi scrambles to the door, which has you laughing, following her lead out of the bathroom.
…
It’s been two days since you found out you were pregnant, but you haven’t told Jungkook anything yet. Eunbi and you planned a way of telling him the day you found out, so here you are, nervous as hell in Jungkook's car, trying to calm your nerves.
After a couple of minutes, you step out of the car with your shoulder bag and some shopping bags. You lock the car behind you and make your way to the main door.
“Hi baby, how did it go?” Your husband greets you the minute you walk in from the couch. “What did you buy?” Jungkook pauses the show he was just watching, putting all his attention on you, making grabby hands for you to go to him.
“Want a haul?” You giggle, making your way to him who pats his lap for you to sit on, which you do after dropping the bags beside him.
“Better have used my card,” he gives you a glare which you only roll your eyes playfully, reaching for your Prada bag before pulling out his black card and handing it to him. “Keep it, you use it more than me,” waves you off, giving your neck a wet kiss.
“Did the girls not go? I was on the phone with Taehyung, and he said Ari was making dinner.” Jungkook gives your thigh a squeeze, helping you adjust in his lap. “Ari said she was really busy with work, and Lora was taking care of Jiho since Jin is working.” You explain, running your fingers through his messy curls.
“You went by yourself? I could’ve gone with you, baby.” Jungkook pouts at you, which you shake your head with a smile. “Eunbi went with me, plus you had work,” You squeeze his cheeks.
“Tsk, I missed you,” He smiles, pulling your face closer to his before connecting his lips to yours. Your eyes immediately flutter closed, mirroring his smile against your lips.
“I have to show you something.” You bring up, your stomach doing a turn. “Show me,” He smiles, patting your thigh, before you climb off his lap, reaching for the shopping bags.
“Are you going to give me a haul?” Jungkook raises an eyebrow at you, which you only wink back as a response.
“So, I got a lot of makeup,” you say, showing him every product you got, which he listened to carefully even though he had no clue what half of the stuff you bought is used for. “I got us these, so we can all match,” you pull out the biggest Nike shoe box first, passing it to your husband.
“These are sick as fuck,” Jungkook holds up the black and white high tops. “Let me see yours.” He motions to the other box in the bag; you hand him your shoe box. Instead of high tops, they’re low instead.
“Super cute, they match your outfit right now,” He says about your pink long sleeve bodysuit. “They do, don't they,” You say, cracking your fingers nervously to show him the much smaller box in the bag.
“Oh, who’s this one for?” Jungkook reached for the small box, opening it to be met with tiny matching shoes. “Are these for Jiho? I don’t think they would fit him,” Your husband brings up the only child in the family as he holds the tiny shoe in his palm.
“They’re not for Jiho..” You nervously say, as you dig into your bag, pulling out the positive pregnancy test.
“You’re fucking kidding,” Jungkook's mouth hangs open as he stares at your teary eyes. You shake your head, tears start falling down your eyes watching your husband that’s stuck in place with wide eyes.
“I’m going to pass out, baby, are you serious?” Jungkook's face scrunches up as tears fill his eyes, “baby, you’re pregnant?” He drops the shoes and moves closer to you, his hands holding your face waiting for you to say something.
“Yes, I’m pregnant,” You sniffle with a smile, reaching to wipe your husband's tears. Before you know it, he jumps up, fist bumps the air, and starts screaming.
“Fuck yes!” He shouts to the air as he runs around the house as you burst out laughing, “I’m going to be a dad, oh my fucking god!” He runs back to pick you up from the carpet, smashing his lips on yours, spinning around.
“You’re going to be a mommy, you’re going to be such an amazing mom,” Jungkook says between each kiss he leaves all over your face, making you giggle. You felt stupid for even worrying in the first place how he would react.
“I think it’s going to be a boy,” Jungkook sets you down, “Baby, it’s been two days since I found out,” You say,
“You knew for two days and you didn’t tell me?” He gasps dramatically, “I was thinking about how to tell you,” you reassure him, which he only nods, giving you a big fat kiss.
“Do you think it’s too soon to buy his crib right now?” Jungkook asks enthusiastically.
“Jeon..” you give him a look, “yes it’s too early and don’t call it ‘he,’ we don’t know what it might be,” you say, before getting on your tiptoes, leaving a kiss on his lips, leaving him in the living room making your way to the kitchen.
“You just called him and ‘it,’ that's so much worse!” Jungkook argues, following behind you.
…
“Your handwriting is shit, to say the least,” you say as your husband writes on the small index card. “You have a way to flirt with me, baby, thank you so much, I love you too,” he says as he glares up at you before returning to writing on the card.
“Do you even think they’ll open the cookies?” You pop your hip out, watching your husband. “You know they only come to our house for the cookies, right? They don’t give a fuck about us,” Jungkook bites a laugh as you pout. “Well, now I don’t want to tell them shit,” you joke, staring at the words on the card.
“Do you even think they’ll understand that? They’re a little slow,” Jungkook wraps his hand over your shoulder, messing up your perfectly curled hair. “Um, they'll figure it out, they got a Joonie to help them,” you shrug before stealing a cookie from the packet and running off.
“I’m so hungry,” Lora says, her hand on her stomach as if that would silence the growling happening inside.
“There are cookies on the counter,” you point to the kitchen, which Jungkook smirks at you.
With that, everyone stands up, dashing to the kitchen, acting like they never had a cookie in their life. You truly had no idea how all of you became obsessed with chocolate chip cookies; all of your guys' houses have a bunch of packages lying everywhere to eat. It was common and normal for all of you; for others, it might seem bizarre seeing grown adults fight over cookies.
“I swear cookies taste so much better in Kook's house,” Jimin rants as he watches Hoseok open the bag, stopping in his tracks as he reads the note. Lora and Ari try reaching in for a cookie, completely ignoring the note but getting swatted away by Namjoon.
“Y/n is pregnant!” Namjoon shouts, which sends everyone's mouths hanging open. “You’re fucking joking!” Seokjin gasps as he runs towards you and Jungkook, embracing you in a tight hug.
“Oh my god, they really got down to business,” Taehyung says, getting a swat from Lora who’s glaring at him before pointing her eyes at Jiho beside her. “Am I the only one who doesn’t get the note?” Jimin says as he reads the card, as everyone congratulates and hugs you and Jungkook.
“Eat up, mommy Y/n doesn’t want to be the only one with a belly, love baby!” Jimin reads the card, holding it up in the air after he’s done reading it.
“I told you someone was not going to know what it meant,” Jungkook whispers into your ear, only for you to hear, which makes you chuckle under your breath.
“You’re just mad I had to explain it to you,” you whisper back, which gets you a kiss on your cheek.
#jungkook#bts jungkook#bts fanfic#jungkook fanfic#jungkook fluff#jjk#bangtan#jungkook x reader#fluff#bts jk#jungkook x oc#jeon jungkook#jeon jk#jeongguk#jeon jungguk#jk#jk fanfic#bts x reader#bts smut#bts fluff#jungkook smut#jungkook masterlist#jungkook x you#bangtan smut#bts#fanfic#jjk fanfic#jjk fluff#married au#pregnancy
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Adopted Dad! Husk + young demon Cat reader
Husk found her in an alleyway, (before pilot) and out of the **kindness** his heart (more so knowing what's like being in hell at first and being scared) he took her in, not officially adopting her but just kinda keep her, she was around ages 15-16 in pilot+First season.
" ---tel? What the fuck is this?....You!! "
When Husk first arrived at the hotel, she was there with him napping as he gambled, also grewing scared and confused when teleported to the hotel. Gripping the table, ears lower and fur raising, Husk's wings Shielding her. Alastor knows of her and stood there smiling at the two
" Ah, Husker, y/n, my good friends! Glad you could make it! " Alastor said as everyone watched, reader standing there confused
vaggie pointing at the teenage cat demon "is that a child? "
" Don't you "Husker" me, you son of a bitch! I was about to win the whole damn pot! " husk said to Alastor, Alastor explained the situation with the hotel and husker growled, hissing at Alastor" You thought it'd be some kind of big fucking riot just to pull me out of nowhere?! You think I'm some kind of fucking clown?! "
Alastor smirked wider " Maybe " the reader holds in a laugh, husk looks at her with sharp slit pupils, she shakes her head waving and mumbling a sorry. Alastor tells husker he can ran a bar and a have a few drinks. Also just as long as reader isn't touching or drinking said alcohol drinks. Husker hissed again " what do you take me for? Of course I'm not giving her drinks!! I don't let her touch the stuff! she just ain't old enough!!" you stood by rolling your eyes, like any teenager "--- and What? You think you can buy me with a wink and some cheap booze?! " Alastor glares at Husker menacingly " ...Well, you can! " Husker said, taking said booze fearful of Alastor.
Everyone was introduced to the reader, who (is kinda like loona) wants to be left alone and stays on her phone. Alastor kinda tries to teach her something about tech rooting her brain, she doesn't listen to anyone besides husk who kinda grumbles at her to at least talk or try to engage in conversation when people speak to her.
Husk's favorite moments with the reader are when she wants to help but he doesn't want her to touch booze yet, since it's so additive and he doesn't want her to ruin her life. So he goes to the second beast and tells her to cook something and serve it, which she's good at. Husk has given her a "job" (more like his little helper) since he found her, which has been her cooking food
Charlie watches Husk and Reader bond. While cooking, (husker watches so she doesn't hurt herself) the reader sprays husk with water to piss him off. Which he replied with pouring some flour on her. Alastor also watched, finding the scenario "cute" but also entertaining. Vaggie made sure husk and reader cleaned the mess, while angel stood up telling husk the reader was kicking his ass at a childish game. Nifty just joined in to clean making sure they were doing it properly
When Husk met Valentino, the reader was also there to support Angel. Telling him Valentino sucked and Angel was bad ass in standing up to him. Husk told Angel to keep fighting Valentino. Angel in a way turned into a second dad when it came to the reader, one time as a joke, the reader made angel food cake and told the Angel it was for him. A hole in the middle of the cake with icing making it look like an ass hole. Husk nearly choked on his beer as Angel was dying laughing at the joke.
Everyone else found it less amusing.
Angel helps the reader cook and makes sure her room is clean, despite his own room being kinda dirty. Angel and Husk are getting teen reader out of her shell but being protective when it comes to boys, and girls depending on their attitude.
The reader suffers with nightmares, during her life, her parents were abusive so in a fight she killed both of them, and they also killed her during said fight. So sometimes everyone can hear the reader crying or screaming. Husk is the only one who walks to comfort her. Telling everyone to give her space, he'll handle it. But Angel walks in. The reader is under her bed, husk trying to get her out and comfort her. Angels lay on the ground telling her stories, singing songs and telling her how bad ass she is for fighting back against her parents, like how she comforted him when he stood up to Valentino, this sorta helps. Reader comes out, allowing Angel and husk to hug her. Husk makes her hot chocolate to help her sleep and Angel cuddles her, rubbing her fur and singing her good night.
Charlie proceeded to hug and praise husk and Angel for taking care of the reader so well.
Scenario;
The reader got an invite to a party by cherry bomb, the cool aunt who also helps get her out of her shell, reader Mets some people. But husk, Angel and surprisingly Alastor, the strict uncle, was not pleased by this. So they went to find her. Only to see a wolf demon, holding down the reader, she's scared and tearing up. You could hear angel yelling "my baby" as he ran to her. Husk, and angel Jump on the wolf. Alastor, gently helping reader up, telling her this was why she shouldn't go to parties. He teleports her to the hotel where vaggie, Charlie and nifty comfort her.
The wolf demon was found dead, dismembered and basically Unrecognizable that same night
#yandere hazbin hotel#platonic yandere#yandere! hazbin hotel#yandere hazbin hotel x reader#yandere husk#husk x daughter reader#yandere angel dust#Angel dusk x daughter reader#platonic yandere hazbin hotel#platonic yandere Alastor
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HI!!!! im back hehe >:]
can u please write an fem agere!reader x [kinda] cg jake & johnnie where;
> reader is colouring and starts slipping into a regressed mind without trying
> jake n johnnie then start talking to her but shes all baby [she doesnt realise while shes talking to them]
> so they both gotta figure it out [theyre confused at first]
> then when they realise whats going on [bc she told them about it a while ago] they try to take care of her
[hope this makes sense LOL]
Coloring - Johnnie Guilbert + Jake Webber
Summary : When an activity that you're doing to cure boredom causes you to slip, you're incredibly lucky that your best friends are so wonderful.
Pairing : Jake Webber/Reader (platonic), Johnnie Guilbert/Reader (platonic)
Word Count : 1276
Warnings : none!!
A/N : This is an age regression fic, which is purely safe for work and innocent. Any hate/disrespect towards me, my work, or readers, will not be tolerated.
There were some activities that never stopped being fun despite the process of growing up. Coloring was one of those things for you, and it had always been something that you did for fun, to unwind, and you had continued to enjoy the activity regardless of how old you were. It was something that turned off your brain for a while, and let you relax, listen to music in the background, and just tune out the rest of the world. You loved the way that it was able to give you some quiet space for yourself, knowing that you often needed it. However, sometimes the activity could be more child-like, and it could be a trigger for your headspace.
It wasn’t often that just the simple thing of coloring pushed you into your headspace, but if you were really exhausted, or upset, or if you were feeling any other emotion stronger than you normally would be, then it was a possibility that it could cause you to slip. This was why you would usually color alone if too tired or sad, just so that you didn’t run the risk of anyone walking in should you slip. You lived with your two best friends, who both knew about your littlespace after a long, awkward, conversation, because they came home once while you were small. They had luckily been incredibly accepting and loving, and had been there for you when you needed anything since that point.
You hadn’t taken them up on it, not wanting to bother them, and still having some anxiety around it. But you made sure that they both knew just how much you appreciated the support and kindness that they consistently displayed, always making sure that you were happy, as much as possible. Jake had already had his assumptions about what was going on before he found out, but he had pushed it to the back of his mind until that one day that he had walked in. He was always the most gentle with you, always watching to make sure that everything was okay, that you were comfortable and felt safe, even in his own presence.
Today, you weren’t feeling upset at all, and so, you were coloring at the coffee table in front of the television. There was a random show playing in the background, and you were working on a mandala coloring, switching from marker to marker every time you started on a new detail. You had been working on it for a while, and were almost finished with it. By the time you finished it, you set it to the side, tearing another of the mandala designs out of the book, since it had perforated pages. It was much easier for you to color when your page was directly on a flat surface and not just the book, and you didn’t have to worry about the markers bleeding through the paper onto the design behind it, effectively ruining it.
You were about halfway through the next drawing when you heard the garage open, and Jake’s car pulled in seconds later. You were glad that the garage had alerted you to them being home, because your back was facing the door, and if they had just walked in behind you, it probably would’ve startled you. You didn’t acknowledge when the door did eventually open, until you heard Jake yell a loud “We’re back!”. You smiled, turning around to wave at them, returning the hello as well. Johnnie walked over to see what you were doing, hugging you before glancing down at the paper in front of you.
“What’cha coloring?”
You smiled, picking up the page and showing it to him. You were always incredibly proud of the colorings that you had finished, because to you, it showed a lot of patience and dedication. Johnnie smiled, telling you it looked amazing. Jake put the stuff that they had bought, probably for his next video, and walked over to also take a look. He saw the one you were working on, and the one that you had finished earlier.
“These look amazing! I love them.”
You smiled, the praise getting to you and causing you to blush a little bit. You couldn’t deny that you did seek their approval, and it always made you feel super happy when you got it. Not that it was hard to earn, but still, it always felt like somewhat of a reward. You weren’t overly tired or upset today, but the gentle praise and soft smiles did make you feel like you were going to eventually slip. Choosing to not say anything else, you just continued to smile and work on the page you were coloring. Johnnie sat down on the couch next to you, passing you markers every now and then, throwing an arm around you and watching the show you had turned on as well.
Jake was doing something or other in the kitchen, probably making food, and when he offered Johnnie chicken nuggets, he noticed the way you lit up and immediately put some in for you. Once they had finished cooking, he brought you over a plate at the same time that he brought the nuggets over for Johnnie. You noticed once it was sitting in front of you that all of the nuggets were cut into smaller pieces, and you had a feeling that these two were just out to get you.
“Be careful, okay? You don’t wanna spill anything on the couch.”
Nodding, you started eating, continuing to color between bites. It was the combination of the cut up food, the coloring, the comforting arm around your shoulders, and the babying tone that was being used when speaking to you that caused you to eventually give in to your headspace, yet staying quiet because you do still harbor a little bit of fear about it. It wasn’t until Jake and Johnnie began having a conversation, filled with cursing and inappropriate jokes, that they realized. They made a crude joke to you, and you simply just stared at them, mumbling a soft
“Don say dat. Bad words.”
It was at this point that they simply stared back at you, completely confused at the sudden change, before snapping out of it. Jake was the first one to say anything, passing you another marker and side hugging you.
“You’re right, honey, I’m sorry.”
When Johnnie realized the tone of voice that was being used, he understood what was going on, and he couldn’t help but think that you were absolutely adorable. They both felt so honored that they were trusted with such a vulnerable part of your life. They both began making sure that everything around you was appropriate. Johnnie switched the channel, and Jake gently offered a different coloring book, one that had lots of cartoon characters in it. He didn’t make you take it, but he offered it to you, just in case you’d want it. Those designs would take a lot less patience to finish, thus possibly avoiding a potential meltdown. Jake easily cleaned up the dish once you finished your food, bringing you some juice to drink, and making sure that you were always wrapped up in someone’s arms, and feeling safe.
The rest of the night went arguably the best you could’ve asked for, neither of them blinking an eye at the babyish vocabulary, or the emotional state that you had sometimes. They both knew that when you were no longer in headspace, you would probably be anxious about what had happened, and they were fully prepared to reassure you and tell you that they loved caring for you.
~ taglist : @jake-and-johnnies-slut @gvf23 @elliem505 @ilydeaky @maryx2xx @oobleoob @aemrsy @blahbel668 @mystic-maniac @maddytheweird @707xn @jasperthefriendlyghostt @camille-1019
~ if you'd like to be added to my johnnie and jake taglist, click here!
~ my inbox is open, come chat!! <3
#johnnie guilbert#johnnie guilbert fanfic#johnnie guilbert x reader#johnnie guilbert fic#johnnie guilbert fanfiction#johnnie and jake#fanfic#jake webber fluff#jake webber fanfic#jake webber fanfiction#jake webber#jake and johnnie#johnnie guilbert smut#johnnie guilbert age regression#jake webber age regression#jake webber agere#johnnie guilbert agere#little johnnie guilbert#little jake webber#caregiver jake webber#caregiver johnnie guilbert
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Round One, Bracket Three
Propaganda under the cut!
Kenjaku:
Submission 1: Kenjaku. Absolutely. Experienced the miracle of childbirth to have a son (for purely the purposes of being a vessel ) they did not bother to get to know- going quite a bit past being a deadbeat mother, what with murdering his father and leaving him to grow up raised completely by his grandfather. Actually, forget being a deadbeat mother to one son, try all nine of his siblings as well, all ditched immediately after birth! But they’re not really done after leaving the scene, and have lovingly taken the time to bodysnatch the ex of their son’s teacher, happily ruin their son’s life by making his head a roommate for an ancient sorcerer that gets him on society’s death row, barely bat an eye at the deaths of nearly all their sons, try to kill one of their sons, set up circumstances that nearly get their other son killed, and run into one of their son’s friends only to cheerful tell her they’re grateful she got along with their son. And then died housing their ex’s fetus in their man-made womb. Wonderful.
Submission 2:
Kenjaku is a genderless brain thing that took over the main character's (Itadori) mom and got laid by the main Itadori's dad in order ot enact her evil plan for the future. Truest deadbeat mom in the world she leaves soon after giving birth and Itadori doesn't know who his mom is. But wow she's kind of hot I can't lie. She's got game, she's hot and she's ambitious with her goals in life? Queen of my heart.
Extra notes: Wins both hottest deadbeat milf and dilf award in my heart
Lee Sookyung:
Submission 1:
Without spoiling too much, she kinda sorta maybe went to jail for murdering her abusive husband, and then maybe sorta kinda wrote a bestselling book about it thereby ruining her son's life by forever associating him with a murderer and then kinda maybe sorta doesn't ever address what happened and instead continues to pull the "mother knows best card" even though she hasn't spoken to him in like 20 years. SPOILER WARNING: For that reason she also is sorta maybe kinda the reason the apocalypse happens but we're not playing the blame game here she just sucks
Extra notes: I am legally required to tell you to read ORV
Submission 2:
murdered her abusive husband <3 then she wrote a book about it <3 accidentally ruined her sons life because of her refusal to speak to him/convey solidarity about the book and press attention with him + taught him that the only and best way to communicate your love for your child is to leave. when it was prophesied that he was going to be killed by the person he loved most she kidnapped and trapped him in a recreation of their childhood house and killed him. it didnt even fulfill the prophecy. shes so cool and leads an entire gang of female prisoners in the apocalypse and her sponsor/god is also a mom (and a bear. and the mother of the founder of korea). she hates her sons favorite character so bad for raising him where she didnt. you could make an argument that she gets into yuri with her sons friends if you want.
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YOUR ART IS SO PRETTY AND I'M ALREADY OBSESSED WITH YOUR PUTT PUTT BRANCH AU !!!!
TY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
im gonna use this as a chance to explain putt putt branch au a lil :3c
it started with me going "what if, following this comic, clay finds out branch was also stranded away from the village" so i was thinking about like how would that work out w everything plot wise?
clay and branch help viva establish the putt putt trolls! branch is still gray from losing his grandma but clay is helping him! they travel a while and find the golf course, and viva immediately takes charge of the group. clay is a little distracted by figuring out what's wrong with his brother, but ends up taking charge of the boring side of the operation when he sees viva struggling.
branch eventually opens up and tells him about what happened to their grandma, blaming himself for both that and his brothers leaving. clay insists that it isn't his fault in the slightest. branch asks if they're ever gonna see their brothers again, and clay (kinda hesitantly) promises they'll look for them once it's safe to. in the meantime, clay convinces branch to help him help viva run the place and build up their new society!
back in troll village and the tree, floyd comes back a while after the escape to find the tree dead and the village in ruins and abandoned. after exploring a little he finds branch's glasses in their old pod and thinks he left him to die, which causes him to go gray. he spends a little while there and as he's about to leave, he meets none other than cloud guy, who (very annoyingly) shows him through the tunnels and towards the new village
he gets there and figures out branch isn't there, which only enforces his idea that he died, as well as his grandma being missing. floyd decides to stay and build branch's bunker for him, except he doesn't have the plans so he has to wing it. he is kinda left alone due to being gray and becomes the local sad boy recluse, avoiding parties and being social in general due to his grief and self inflicted shame.
after a few months, a young poppy starts following him around and trying to befriend him. he doesn't really respond but he doesn't chase her off, allowing her to do what she wants. it takes a whiiiiile, but he slowly warms up to her, though he isn't about to drop his problems on a child. eventually, she reveals she found something in the tunnels during the escape and shows him; turns out it's branch's bunker plans, which makes floyd emotional. the two end up in a sorta older brother-younger sister friendship by the first movie!
when movie one happens, poppy runs to him for help when the chef captures her friends. floyd, of course, is immediately on board, not wanting anyone else to die because of the bergens. it kinda plays out similar to canon, with floyd finally admitting he feels responsible for losing branch. she helps him figure out he couldn't have known, and in turn he helps her when creek betrays them all, finally gaining some of his colors back
the second and third movies are pretty rough in my brain atm tbh aksdhjkhdkfh i do know that floyd gets captured during the second movie, leading to the third being jd receiving a forged letter and going to poppy for help and them setting off to gather up his brothers since they're the best chance they have at the family harmony. when they find clay they also find branch, and branch is a little sore about floyd seeing poppy as a sister when he was out there waiting for him, but they talk it out after everything!!!
this was not supposed to be long! welp! hehe
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Sorry if this doesn’t make sense but how do you… art? Like from looking at your art, there’s just so many different fandoms and it’s all fantastic!! How do you not stick to one or feel like you *have* to stick to one? Sorry
Aw Friend! No need to apologize! :D You asked your question plenty politely!
That's a really interesting question actually, and I'm fascinated to be asked it! Because I actually do know the kinda thing you're talking about! or at least I have experiences that feel like they line up with what you're asking.
A lot of its... growing up? I guess? And not in the sense of like. becoming an adult. but the non-stop process of growing and learning more about life.
When I was younger, an actual child, I just Did it. I drew whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I didn't question hoping to a new interest or drawing different fandoms. I just did it.
But the older you get the more complicated a lot of things get right? 😔 That was true for me.
I actually spent several years terrified, of moving on. Of leaving old fandoms behind. There was one fandom I actually forced myself not to leave for like... 2 years? Because I was afraid of all the projects I wouldn't complete, all the stories I wouldn't tell, all the art i wouldn't make.
But honestly that was a horrible decision? It burnt me out of the specific fandom SO BADLY. Its only been around this last year that I've been able to enjoy things around it again without an overhanging shadow of stress.
I was still scared to fandom hop after that incident tho. Despite having gotten burned by caving to my own fears. It wasn't until I got into Trigun that I actually started to get less scared. A friend I met in that fandom, someone who was older than me, told me that... things have a way of coming back around. If you know the song "Everything Stays" From Adventure time? She said it was like that song. You will inevitably get older. But these things won't be gone. And you can always come back to them :)
That clicked in my brain... and it took a bit longer, a bit more time of accepting that fact for me to find peace... but honestly? I kinda have now. At least for this moment in time. I wouldn't be surprised if the fear comes back around again, fear is funny and insidious like that. But I have the tools to beat it now :)
The other two things I would mention are these:
For starters: this might be obvious? But I'm a hobbyist artist. I don't make money off of my art, I don't sell it, I don't need numbers or clout in order to pay my bills. I'm completely free to do my own thing! Ain't nothing wrong with making a living off of your artwork and if that's the path that you want to walk GO FOR IT.
But that path does have its own challenges.
Because I don't walk that path, I am free to make whatever I want, without worrying about how it might reflect on my finances.
The other thing is...
PERFECTIONISM...
THIS, NASTY LITTLE VILE COCKROACH, WILL RUIN YOUR ART LIFE SO BADLY ITS INSANE. It will ruin your NORMAL life super fast too 😔
it is an insidious little shoulder devil telling you, that you will be happier if you just do it the "perfect" way.
IT IS SO SO SO SO SO SO WRONG. That is the key to the door of endless procrastination and broken dreams.
SFLJSLF to get less metaphorical about it though: If you're always waiting for the perfect moment to make art for a fandom, to leave a fandom, to join a fandom (in this case i just mean "Get into the thing that interests you" when I say "Fandom") or create literally anything, you will be waiting forever.
I know because i have been :') And its made it very hard to draw both in my past, and right now this very day.
Truthfully i'm still working on that one??? I've had some epiphanies recently that have helped a lot with my perfectionism... but I haven't tried drawing since having them? (drowning in the new Honkai Star Rail Patch WHEEZE) So uh. Not sure If I'm over that hill yet xD
But yeah, if that's one piece of advice i could give you to take seriously, its don't chase perfection, in ANYTHING. Especially art. It will never be enough for you. And if you're doing it for other people, it will never be enough for them. Art is wonderful and messy, and human. And that is okay.
Its taken me a lot of soul diving and thinking and a lot of help from outside influence and kind people for me to figure this stuff out too. So don't feel bad to ask for help kay? We all need help. A lot xD
I'm still not like, the king this stuff either. There are a lot of smaller, more niche, fandoms, I want to draw for, but still haven't, because of my own anxiety and embarrassment. There are fandoms I haven't drawn for because I don't feel like i have the adequate amount of information to be, ""allowed"" too (which is totally a fake standard btw, there is no barrier to entry for when you're "allowed" to draw something). I'm working on these problems every day.
Oh actually one last note: People can influence how hard it is for you to draw for a bunch of fandoms too. If you know you'll get made fun of for drawing something, its hard to draw. If you know you'll get praised for drawing something, sometimes that makes it easier to draw.
Both of those things can mess you up BAD. Constantly drawing for other people (when its not a deliberate gift) can make you feel really upset and angry, and dissonant with your artwork.
But it can be equally as hard to realize nobody will share your enthusiasm if you don't draw what they like. That's not a judgement against anybody's friendships, we all got our own interests, and nobody can be 100% Invested in everything their friends enjoy. But It can make it a bit more emotionally challenging sometimes.
And it can be hard to like?? Emotionally deal with that? in a way it makes art that you know will perform well, either with your friend group or online, like... "Candy". Its tastes good, but it doesn't give you long term energy (ie there's nothing wrong with it, but its not sustainable as your only form of sustenance)
Meanwhile making art that is purely self indulgent is like eating a full and healthy meal. It gives you that long term energy of personal satisfaction, and your enjoyment and happiness also doesn't inherently hinge on whether or not other people appreciate it like you do.
Obviously there's no issue if what you genuinely want to draw would also do well online/with your friends!
ANYWAYS, yeah, I'm still maturing and learning and growing with a lot of my opinions and perspectives and emotions on this stuff? Its definitely easier said than done, and while from the outside it looks effortless... I understand why you'd be struggling anon. I hope you can figure it out for yourself too! Best of luck :D
also i could go on and on and on about this topic for years because alsjdfaksjdflJSDJGSD ooohhhhhhh boy I have learned and witnessed and thought many a thunk.
#isa screams#ask#anonymous#long post#I hope this helps you out anon? I'm not offended if it doesn't tho asldfjLKSJGSD#For all i know i completely misunderstood your question xD
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I watched Dawko's playthrough of Ruin because I'm very uncoordinated and can't play video games right, also I'm broke as shit-ANYWAY, I HAVE FEELINGS AND OPINIONS.
(SPOILERS)
This, I like this. This feeds my sci-fi nerd brain that I inherited
Also, I really like rabbits and hares
Glitchtrap had the hare update, so he's Malhare now.
He's my pal
My rotten soldier
My sweet cheese
He's so stupid and annoying, I'm not even sure he knows what it's all for anymore
He can EMOTE.
My autism said, "him, specifically"
Big hare nose
Cassie is a cool character
Really sweet
Wonder if she and Roxanne Wolf are gonna have a special connection in the future
If Cassie even does have a future
I do think that the elevator ending is the true ending because it leaves the story open for the next game to start off with
Also, WHAT THE FUCK GREGORY??
I still have no idea what's going on with him.
He's a funky little anti-hero
He's friends with Vanessa- is Vanessa his guardian now or something?
I really hope they don't start incorporating the weird short mini story collection books into the games
What is this?
Why does it have human teeth?
What is it capable of?
I don't think it's The Mimic because it can only mimic voices, not appearances, and only Gregory's voice too
Maybe an early Mimic?
Maybe the game universe's Mimic??
It was possibly acting as Helpi as well
Must be capable of something because Gregory attempted to kill his friend over it
Question: was Malhare trying to stop us from letting this thing out or was just being antagonistic for the sake of being antagonistic?
Because if he has been trying to stop you the whole DLC from releasing the beast, that's kinda cool
Means that he's threatened by it
I ask because he gets on Cassie's case whenever she tries to breach the security nodes that lock the monster in
Whenever we start touching shit, he gets mad
(Shit being the child/security nodes.)
If this is the case, then I want a Malhare vs. Ruin Monster battle
idk, I just want Afton to have a purpose in these games at this point
Miscellaneous notes:
I like Eclipse better than Sun and Moon
Sun is too hyper for me and Moon is kinda creepy
Eclipse is so polite, so parent
ROXANNE
The mom we all needed
Were Glamrock Freddy and Bonnie boyfriends??
God, the Pizzeria Simulator location had a bigass basement
What's the plot of Help Wanted 2 going to be because of this?
This two and a half hour DLC gave us more story than the entirety of Security Breach, which was 9 1/2 (nine and a half).
So, I call that a win.
Still don't like Monty's Gator-Golf.
Feel free to share your own thoughts, feelings, and opinions!
#sb ruin spoilers#fnaf#thoughts feelings and opinons#dawko fnaf#i watched him play it#malhare#william afton#fnaf gregory#eclipse fnaf#fnaf cassie#fnaf dlc#roxanne wolf#i think i liked it??#it's still early i can't fully tell yet#i might be in autistic shock
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FaC Miniseries really be out here saying, "Simon, you might be a suicidal man who would give his own life and brain for a pair of strangers that resemble a part of the traumatic past that ruined your life, but consider: you were selfish in your past relationship because you didn't consider your girlfriend enough and now that she sacrificed herself to become God for you you aren't allowed to die because that would make her sacrifice be in vain. You have to continue living in a world that you no longer relate to with people who will continue to deadname you and bring up your traumatic past for funzies and you aren't even allowed to reconciliate with your daughter or other closest friends because they have a happy life without you bumming them out with your depression and we wouldn't want you to burden them with your feelings of uselessness and crippling lack of self worth now would we? Now go hang out with a literal child you 59+ year old man, you have therapy in an hour."
hey i wanna point out that cripple is like. a slur a lot of ppl still use it in this kind of context w/o thinking but u can just say like, debilitating instead theres not any reason to use it
ik its just like habit tho bc its still kinda common so to respond to the ask ,
KSBDJWBDJWBJDBWJDNWJDBWJDBWJDBWJDBWJDBWJSHHSB
They just could NOT be assed to resolve or address any of his emotional issues huh!!!!!!!! Yeah Simon, we know you think you suck, and you are suicidally depressed, and you are traumatized from both living through the apocalypse and spending a thousand years trapped under a curse, and the world changed without you so you now feel fundamentally out of place, can’t relate to people around you, and none of your skills are applicable anymore, and you are being crushed under the guilt of the love of your life making an unfathomably giant sacrifice to save you, and you wanted to see her again and apologize for not being able to bring her back so so badly that you were willing to kidnap a guy and keep him in a cage in your house for it, and you feel absolutely no sense of purpose in your life and have nothing to do anymore, but like, we have a really really great idea for how we’re gonna deal with that: we WON’T! We just Won’t Address It. You get to mention how you were willing to basically die because you felt like your life was worthless ONE time, and it will be after you regain the will to LIVE because you… got… told that you fucked everything up with your fiancé because you were apparently super selfish on accident? Now you’re just gonna go back home and be happy now. No yeah nothing changed in either your life or your mental state but we have to pretend it did because the story is over now. Your happy ending montage will casually feature you happily drinking at the bar. Don’t think about episode 4. Oh huh what’s that? What about your daughter figure who you felt you weren’t important to and would just be burdening and worrying with your difficult emotions, which seemed to be leading to you choosing to have a genuine and honest talk with her in the end? No she doesn’t even get mentioned, let alone show up on screen. Also Betty may or may not be dead. Yeah now that she cured your depression by telling you you fucked up she’s moving on with her life or something by which we may or may not mean reincarnating. Yeah we might have fridged her. Happy ending for everyone!
the therapy scene hits a special nerve like good for him but oh my god. i cant actually think of any other examples, but i feel like ive seen too many things decide that the way to portray healing as a difficult nonlinear thing is to. directly state “This is going to be complicated and hard!” and then not actually show it being complicated or hard now that they’ve acknowledged it. like dude all we actually see in that ending is just him being happy. you really made it seem like he is just Fine now. guys. guys what happened to his everything
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the consequences of enjoying someone's company
Xina Kwan had always been able to make Miguel smile even when no one else could. Maybe a little bit TOO well...
or:
Miguel O'Hara visits with his ex-girlfriend turned friend, Xina Kwan, until, like always, things don't go quite as planned, and Miguel has to explain some rather strange truths about himself, such as why Xina could see fangs when he smiled.
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the world needs more xina and miguel content, and i am all too happy to supply it.
xinamiguel lovers, this one is for you!! they're not explicitly stated to be together, so it can be read as either platonic or romantic, but it is entirely possible to read some of what happens as romantic tension. THIS IS CANON COMPLIANT, OKAY?? WE CAN'T KEEP PRETENDING THAT THEY DIDN'T STILL KINDA LOVE EACH OTHER EVEN AFTER THEY BROKE UP IN THE COMICS. dana lovers, beware of dana slander. i'd say i'm sorry but it would be a lie. we stan xina here.
also, an extra bonus for those of you who just want to see miguel be a guy for once. oh yeah, that's right, in this ao3 fanfiction i offer you a miguel o'hara that ISN'T just angry all the time. you wanna see this man have a good time? you wanna see him interact with someone without being an asshole the entire time??? you wanna see how this man acts when he's not under the pressure of holding together the entire multiverse??????? WELL HERE HE IS. comic accurate miguel. come get y'all juice.
gentle reminder that i also take requests if any of you have an idea itching at the back of your brain but don't wanna write it XD
content is below the cut because it is LONG. ao3 link is in the reblogs as always. please enjoy!! <3
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It would be impossible to overstate just how much Xina Kwan meant to Miguel O’Hara.
The two had known each other from the time they were young children, back when it had felt like it was them two against the world – and, really, the sentiment wasn’t too far off considering how desperately Kron Stone had wanted to make their lives living hell, up until he decided they didn’t deserve their lives at all – and to say that they were close would be an understatement. So close, in fact, that once they’d matured from intelligent youth to genius adults (and Miguel, from an arrogant child to an even more arrogant adult), the two had gotten together.
Then, of course, Miguel had ruined it by being his selfish, self-absorbed self; though, in the moment, he hadn’t thought it was a mistake to leave Xina for Dana. There’d been a part of him that regretted hurting Xina the way he had, but Dana was a gorgeous, loving woman who never thought him any less than perfect, and Xina… Xina hadn’t let him be content in being the bastard that he was. At the time, he hadn’t liked that about her.
Now, after it was already too late and Miguel had ruined things with Dana, too, he could see how stupid he was for choosing what was easy over what was best. Just another failure to chalk up to the heroic Spider-Man.
It was true that Dana loved him, and it was even true that he loved her back, but it had taken a lot of suffering and bullshit to realise that loving someone wasn’t necessarily enough for them to be good for you. He probably should have known that already, considering the state of his own family, but that would have required any level of self-reflection, and that was still a rather new skill for him, all things considered.
What he knew now, though, was that Xina had never apologised to Miguel’s dad on his behalf, claiming that he didn’t mean his vitriol when he did. Xina had never tried to love George O’Hara when they both knew he didn’t deserve it, and she certainly hadn’t tried to convince Miguel to love him, too. Dana believed that he’d cried at his father’s funeral because he genuinely felt sorrow, and Miguel hadn’t had the heart to tell her otherwise. Somehow, even after everything, she still didn’t seem to understand that some people didn’t deserve love or pity, and that, even if George somehow did, Miguel would never have deigned to give it to him. Though, there was also a part of him that found himself wondering how she hadn’t seemed to get that he didn’t deserve it either.
Complicated and distressing feelings aside, there were simply things that Dana let Miguel get away with that she shouldn’t – like being arrogant, and “pompous” (or so Xina had said, at least, and, frankly, Miguel was starting to believe her), and uncaring towards the world that so desperately needed to be cared for – and there were things she wouldn’t let go that she should – like his relationship with his father, and his mother, and Gabriel, as if she hadn’t hurt him, too; as if she didn’t use the fact that Gabriel used to love her to keep him from being angry with her.
If honesty was what you were looking for – something Miguel had never been very good at, especially when it came to the difficult truths about himself – he would say that, despite his initial regret over his hasty break up with Dana on the day that he found out about his biological father and the truth of his… condition, it was a bit of a relief. They had been in love, but that wasn’t enough. Miguel had adored her, but she’d made him a worse person and he’d hurt her in kind, and, while he might not have cared about that fact before, he did now.
Running from the difficult confrontations and hiding in easy love that allowed him to fester in his grief was a choice he’d made back when he’d cheated on Xina, but he could see now that it was a poor one.
And, really, if honesty was what you were looking for – which, really, was asking a lot of Miguel – he would say that he missed Xina. Maybe not necessarily in a romantic sense (though, he couldn’t quite be sure), but it didn’t really matter, when it came down to it.
There was a reason that Miguel had insisted so fervently that LYLA be fixed. Sure, maybe it was, in part, due to her comforting familiarity in a time that was, undeniably, full of the terrifying unfamiliar, but it was also because LYLA was a product of Xina; she was a constant reminder of the person that Miguel had cared for so much and, frankly, still did. He hadn’t wanted to let that go, and maybe that should have told him something even before things ended with Dana, but Miguel had never been very good at facing difficult feelings. That’s why Dana had been so addicting, and why he’d wronged Xina when he shouldn’t have.
Xina had always been a bigger person than he had, though, and, somehow, she’d found it in herself to forgive him for what he’d done. If Miguel still wasn’t so afraid of what voicing his relief and appreciation might cause, he’d thank her. Maybe one day.
For now, though, the two could be friends as they once were; or, at least, something close to it. It was a nice change of pace, to be able to talk to someone that didn’t want something from him, one way or another. Though, admittedly, that was likely, in part, due to the fact that Xina’s expectations of him were still depressingly low.
It hurt a bit, but Miguel was aware that he’d more than earned it.
For now, mercifully, the difficult conversations could wait, and Miguel could pretend to be nothing more than Miguel O’Hara: bastard of a man that was doing his damndest to become less of one; not Spider-Man and whatever being him meant.
Or, at least, that was what he’d thought. He’d never really been that fortunate.
“Miguel O’Hara,” Xina exclaimed with faux fury, a hand placed firmly on her hip and a brow quirked upward as she attempted to bite back her smile behind a snarl. Her other hand laid casually on the door handle, and Miguel could already see all sorts of twencen junk just a few feet inside her home. “And just what, pray tell, are you doing here?”
“Xina Kwan,” Miguel returned, matching her energy as he, too, placed his hands on his hips and scowled. “I should ask you the same thing.”
Losing the fight against her amusement, Xina desperately tried to obscure her laugh with a scoff. “I remember you being smarter,” she mused. “I live here, as a matter of fact.”
As if the notion was news to him, Miguel’s eyes widened, and he straightened up, making a show of looking around the doorstep and peeking past her shoulder into the house before he raised his brows. “Well, sure enough,” he hummed. “Fancy that. May I come in?”
Sighing, Xina allowed a smile to slip onto her face, and she pushed the door aside, gesturing half-heartedly. “Yes, I suppose, but don’t touch anything. I don’t know what you’re contaminated with.”
“Charming, as always, Xina,” Miguel hummed as he entered. He fixed her with his own smile, and, like usual, took care to ensure that his fangs remained concealed. “I was going to say you were a better doorman than that robot of yours, but now I’m not so sure.”
“What’s wrong with Jack?” The words were accompanied by the sharp slam of a door, and Miguel couldn’t help but to smirk as he turned to see the annoyance on her face.
“He still calls me ‘Miguel the creep,’” he hummed, idly picking up some sort of blocky looking plastic brick with buttons on the side and some sort of antennae coming out of the top.
Immediately, Xina smacked his hand, and Miguel hissed at the feeling but placed the object back on the table nonetheless. “Does he?” she asked, eyes wide as if she genuinely didn’t know. Which was shocking bullshit. “That’s so strange. I wonder who taught him that.”
“I have a few ideas,” Miguel murmured, rubbing his hand with a pointed look.
“Well, now, let’s not get accusatory.” Xina straightened the item he’d moved, brushing it off gently. She paused, examined the object once more, then moved it slightly to the left before nodding affirmatively.
All the while, Miguel could only watch in muted fascination. “What is that thing?”
“Some twencen tech!” she immediately chirped, eager as always to talk about her number one favourite hobby. “It’s called a ‘walkie-talkie.’”
Miguel’s head cocked to the side, a brow raising. “A whatie-what?”
“A ‘walkie-talkie,’” Xina repeated slowly, grabbing his ear and pulling it to her lips as she spoke, much to Miguel’s chagrin. He batted her away, though couldn’t quite squash down a smile. “It’s basically what they used before holo-messages. I just wish I had another one so I could use it for something besides collecting dust. They only work with a pair,” she huffed.
Again, Miguel picked up the object, taking care in his movement, and, this time, Xina let him. He turned the walkie-talkie curiously in his hands, impressed by its weight when it supposedly had such a simple function. He’d never really understood her obsession with the twentieth century. From what he’d read, things really weren’t all that much better than they were now. He’d been working on a goober – though LYLA liked to call it a gizmo, mostly to spite him, he’s sure – to potentially see for himself in another universe, if he didn’t, y’know… die in the process.
That was later Miguel’s issue, though, and a worthy risk if he might be able to bring Xina a matching machine to complete her set. He didn’t get her obsession, but he didn’t have to. It was important to her, and that’s what was important to him.
Almost inaudible in his concentrated confusion, he mumbled, “Qué extraño…”
“What was that?”
“I said ‘super cool.’”
With another huff, Xina took the artefact from his hands once more, placing it back down onto the table. “Yeah, alright, you liar.”
Despite the practised angry tone, Miguel could see the way her lips quirked up in a smile, and he couldn’t help but snicker a bit. She’d always known him too well to believe nice lies. It was part of the reason why Miguel used to be so afraid of her, though the admission was something he still hadn’t quite come to terms with. Afraid was a strong word, but it was also an accurate one. Miguel was afraid to be seen for what he was, because he was even more afraid that he was something not worth seeing. Xina had never seemed to agree with that sentiment, though.
“Okay, maybe I don’t get it,” he admitted, hands on his hips once more.
“Of course you don’t,” Xina returned, cruel teasing words accompanied by a sweet smile. “I was always much smarter than you.”
“Har, har,” he said sarcastically. “Very funny.”
“Who said I was joking?” Then, before Miguel could respond, “how are you and… Diana, was it?”
“Dana.”
“Yeah, that one,” she said, snappily enough that it was clear that she’d actually known the answer all along, which Miguel was well aware of, considering how LYLA had returned to him with intricately coded insults specifically in Dana’s name. “You haven’t talked about her in a while. Did you two finally break up?”
Without missing a beat, Miguel fixed her with a sarcastic smile. “Yes, actually! Thanks so much for asking.”
Despite the nature of the question, his answer seemed to genuinely catch Xina off guard, her eyes going wide and mouth falling open. Her eyes searched his face as her brows furrowed, a mixture of guilt and some kind of indecipherable relief shining in her gaze as the gears turned in her mind and grasped for a response. It was almost amusing to see Xina so stumped when, normally, she was so quick on the draw. There were very few times that Miguel had seen her well and truly left without words, though, unfortunately, the twinge of bitterness and healthy dose of grief made it difficult to enjoy to its fullest.
“Congratulations,” she blurted, then immediately cringed at herself, a hand coming up to her forehead with an audible smack, and, admittedly, Miguel’s eyes widened a considerable degree, too. “Wait, fuck-” she backtracked. “That’s not what I meant at all. I’m sorry, Mig-”
“Wait, wait, wait,” Miguel hastily interrupted, pushing down hurt and hiding it behind a quirked brow. “What did you just say?”
Shrinking in on herself, Xina cringed again. “Congratulations?”
“No, no, not that,” he said, and a hand waved her off almost dismissively. “The other thing.”
“I’m… sorry?” she tried again, brows furrowed in confusion. Her arms, which she’d wrapped tightly around her shoulders, loosened their grip, though the tension didn’t leave her.
Miguel shook his head with another wave of his hand. “Not that either. The f-word.”
Eyes narrowing, Xina tilted her head forward. “Fuck?”
A short, breathless laugh fell from his mouth. “Oh, my god,” he nearly whispered, his eyes wide behind his sunglasses. “What are you, a millennial?”
“Wha-” Again, Xina’s eyes went wide, and her hands fell from her shoulders completely. “Miguel, are you kidding? That’s what you’re upset about? Me saying fuck?”
Face deadly serious, Miguel nodded once more as he crossed his arms over his chest. “Nobody says ‘fuck’ anymore. I know you’re into the whole twencen thing, but cursing is a sacred thing. You need to act like a civilised human being and say ‘shock.’”
As if she was entirely unsure how to react, Xina’s mouth still hung open uselessly, her eyes searching Miguel’s almost urgently. When all she was met with was his carefully practised mask of apathy, she managed a surprised scoff and picked her jaw up from off of the floor. Miguel, to his credit, managed to hold himself together, too, and raised a brow.
“You’re unbelievable,” she sputtered.
“Thank you,” came the response.
Then, “No, you are genuinely…” but she didn’t finish, the words trailing off, and Xina’s eyes narrowed once more. She leaned back on her feet, managing to actually look somewhat intimidating despite how much shorter she was than Miguel. Her arms crossed, and she fixed him with an unimpressed look that made his skin crawl just a bit. “I see what you’re doing.”
“I’m not doing anything,” he lied through his teeth, trying desperately to keep the tension out of his shoulders.
“No, no, you are,” Xina insisted, no longer falling for his antics. “I’ve known you since we were kids, Miguel. I know all of your stupid little tricks, probably better than you know them yourself.” She approached him, and, really, despite Miguel quite literally towering over her, he still felt small under her glare. “I’m gonna apologise to you, whether you like it or not.”
“Xina,” Miguel began uneasily, giving her his best attempt at a placating smile. “Come on… Let’s not be rash. I cheated on you, and you told me ‘congratulations’ when I broke up with my fiancée. We can just call it even.”
“Alright, first of all,” Xina began, a finger waving in Miguel’s face.
“Oh, boy.”
“Those two things are not comparable,” she hissed, though Miguel’s attention was mostly on the way that her finger moved in front of him. “And second of all-”
“Right.”
“I am better than you.”
“Uh huh.”
“I apologise to people when I hurt them, even if they don’t deserve it.”
“Oh, great.”
“So, I- Are you even listening?”
At that, her hand stilled, and Miguel frowned, his eyes refocusing on her face. “What?”
“Unbelievable.”
“I’m kidding! Come on, let’s just forget about it,” Miguel practically pleaded. “We can watch one of those twencen movies you like. One with that actress you really like, uh…” He trailed off, face screwed up in focus, mumbling, “ay, ¿cómo se llama?” then, with a snap of his fingers, “Marilyn Monroe!”
Xina placed her hands on her hips, brows furrowed as she eyed him. “You’re really sad about it, huh?”
A scowl found its way onto Miguel’s face once more, and he ran a hand over his face and through his hair in exasperation. “Ámi, I don’t know how I can be any clearer that I do not want to talk about it, or even think about it, for that matter.”
“Alright, alright,” Xina relented, raising her hands in surrender. There was a beat before she snickered a bit, shoving Miguel’s arm with a smile that was a bit too soft. “Look at Miguelito! He grew a heart, eh? What’d you do with the real Miguel?”
Despite the teasing, Miguel couldn’t help but to return her smile. “I guess someone got fed up with his ‘pompous’ attitude and killed him,” he answered, and the two laughed.
In a way, Miguel knew that it was irresponsible and selfish to hold all of his hurt as close to his chest as possible only to inevitably lash out when someone happened to push the wrong buttons. More than anything, he was terrified of being like his father; or, step-father, rather. George O’Hara had chosen the worst possible way to express his feelings, and it had, admittedly, left Miguel terrified to express his at all. It felt safer to just keep them to himself, up until the point that he couldn’t take it anymore and ended up taking it out on someone else, and, in the moment immediately after, Miguel realised just how much like George O’Hara he really was.
The thought was enough to make him feel sick, and it just made him work even harder to be everything his father wasn’t, for better or for worse.
George O’Hara never would have taken up the mantle of Spider-Man, and, even if he had, he certainly wouldn’t have used the position for any damn good. Knowing the bastard, he probably would have used his abilities to come up with new and improved ways to torment his family. If Miguel couldn’t say he was better than his father in any other way, at least he could say that he was better than him in that.
Still, there were more days than Miguel liked to admit that he wondered whether he was doing the right thing by trying to use his powers for good, or if he really was just using it to boost his own ego like Gabriel had accused him of.
“Hey,” came Xina’s gentle call, her hand pressed against his bicep gently, grounding him. “Have you ever heard of Pac-Man?”
Miguel was quiet for a moment, then, “not even once.”
“Oh, man,” she said, her face cracking into a smile, “prepare to have your mind blown.”
To say Miguel’s mind was not blown would be an understatement. Of course, he knew by now that the things Xina found to be completely mind blowing were entirely different from the things Miguel would be impressed by, but, even with reasonably low expectations, this was a disappointment. She’d led him through her house, skillfully weaving around the organised clutter of twencen artefacts, then stopped – with the biggest, proudest smile Miguel had ever seen from her – in front of a rectangle with two buttons, a stick, and a screen. He raised a brow at the thing, then peeked over to Xina again.
“Well?” she prompted, gesturing to the box and confirming that Miguel wasn’t mistaken and that the real thing wasn’t hidden behind the rectangle. “What do you think?”
Again, his eyes slid over the thing, and, yeah, it really was just a couple of buttons and a stick, but, nevertheless, he smiled. “Consider my mind blown.”
“Yeah, alright,” she huffed. “Thanks for humouring me. I swear it gets better.” Xina beamed as she pulled the cabinet away from the wall with some degree of effort and pulled what looked to be some sort of tail from the object. Miguel watched in muted fascination as she stuck the thing into some sort of specially made device that connected the thing to the building’s power source… with a wire? Who would want that?
All at once, the thing’s screen flared to life with so few neon coloured pixels that they barely even made shapes but, somehow, managed to be bright enough to hurt anyway, making Miguel flinch even behind his sunglasses. Coupled with the almost ear-piercing music and sound effects that accompanied it, he could safely say that he was less impressed than he was bothered. As Xina once again turned her smile to him, gesturing to the screen with all of the enthusiasm of a child, Miguel wouldn’t have dared to say it aloud.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” he said, and that much, at least, was true.
“I know, I know. It’s pretty awesome,” Xina bubbled, and her smile turned mischievous. “The best part? It’s two player.”
That made Miguel raise a brow in genuine interest. “It’s a game?”
“Finally have your interest, huh?” she teased. “It is a game. One of the first, actually.”
Miguel peered at the screen again, watching yellow pixels dart across, occasionally followed by red, blue, pink, or orange. His head cocked to the side, and he took a bit of a hesitant step closer. “How do you play?”
With a snicker, Xina rubbed her hands together before lacing them together and pushing them forward with an accompanying crack. “Watch and learn, rookie.”
As it turned out, Pac-Man was actually a relatively simple game; you (the yellow munching thing, though Miguel did not get an answer as to what it was other than “he’s Pac-Man!”) needed to travel through the maze and eat all of the dots (why, Xina couldn’t tell him) and avoid getting touched by the multicoloured “ghosts” that would chase you throughout the map (which, again, Xina couldn’t explain, but maybe it didn’t matter). There was also fruit that occasionally popped up for some reason – though all it really seemed to do was increase score – and bigger dots that turned the ghosts blue (“Xina, there’s already a blue ghost.” “Well, these are bluer.”) and made them edible, apparently. Though, the ghosts never stayed dead; whereas Pac-Man only got three lives. Miguel commented on the unfairness of it, but Xina didn’t seem particularly interested.
So, all that said, it should have been a pretty easy game. Xina certainly made it look easy, weaving between ghosts with ease and timing her dot collection just right to ensure that she could take out each enemy in one fell swoop. She only played a few levels, noting that the ghosts would get faster and faster, before she intentionally lost so the two of them could play together; which was the same as single player except the game forced you to take turns. Whoopie.
As easy as the game looked, though, Miguel ate his words more than he ate dots as he struggled through his first life.
“What the- What the shock?!” he hissed as he got stuck in a corner for the fifth time, struggling to time the joystick movement with the direction he wanted to go. He whirled to face his companion again, eyes blown wide with frustration. “Xina, it’s shocking broken. It’s these controls, I swear. They’re ancient. Are you sure it’s working?”
Barely containing her laughter, Xina gestured to the screen. “The game’s still going, Mig.”
“¡Chale!” Miguel all but screeched as he turned back to the game, furiously pulling at the joystick once more. “Este jodido juego es tan… ¡Qué mierda! Ay, no, no, no… Aléjense de mí, ¡cabrones! No quiero que me toquen, por favor, moriré- Ah! No! Shit, shit- ¡Coño! Shock!”
As the yellow pixels curled in on themselves in death, Miguel wailed at the screen in frustration, though he perked up as he heard the distinct sound of wheezing from behind him. Concerned for a moment, he quickly turned to check on Xina before his concerned expression fell away into annoyance once more. Xina was laughing so hard her face had turned red, cheeks wet with tears as she barely held herself up against a nearby dresser.
“Oh, yeah, laugh it the shock up, asshole,” Miguel grumbled, though the words came out sounding half-hearted at best.
“You are- so bad!” Xina managed to get out through wheezes. “I don’t think I’ve heard you curse that much ever!” With a short yelp, her hand slipped off of her crutch, and she slipped to the floor – thankfully harmlessly – and her fist pounded against the carpeting like a lifeline as she started to laugh once more.
Unimpressed, Miguel squatted down beside her. “Hey, Xina.”
Taking a few more moments to learn how to breathe again, Xina only hummed, glancing up to him with tears still streaking down her cheeks and eyes crinkled in a smile.
Miguel jerked a hand towards the screen, giving her his own grin. “The game’s still going.”
All at once, her laughter died away, and she rocketed to her feet, nearly taking Miguel out in the process. “Fuck!”
Then, it was his turn to laugh as she scrambled to get away from the oncoming enemies, though Xina was certainly much more successful in the endeavour than he was, managing to make it through a couple more levels despite her setback before she finally took her first death.
With a grandiose laugh, she turned back to Miguel and grinned. “Beat that, bitch!”
Scoffing, Miguel took the joystick into his hand and leaned in close to the screen. “Easily.”
Unfortunately, he did not, in fact, “beat that,” bitch.
In reality, Miguel only managed to make it through the first level, then near immediately lost his last two lives at the very beginning of the second one while, in the intermission between his second and third life, Xina made it all the way to level twenty-six. Needless to say, she had not only beaten him but, also, thoroughly humiliated him in the process. Not that Miguel could possibly be frustrated with the loss when Xina was smiling at him the way she was. In that moment, it really was like nothing had changed, and he’d be lying if he said it didn’t make him feel lighter than he had in years.
Leaning over her shoulder as Xina prepared herself for last life, she bounced on the balls of her feet and took a deep breath.
“What’s with the face?” Miguel questioned, startling her out of her focus and making her yelp, and he snickered a bit before whispering an apology. “You’ve already beat me, ámi. By no small number, might I, regretfully, add.”
Without so much as a glance towards him, Xina scoffed, the sound accompanied by the skillful flick of the joystick every which way. “Not everything’s about you, Miguel. I’ve almost beaten my highscore.”
A beat, as he remembered just how much effort she’d put into ensuring she beat him. “...You’re sure it’s not even about me a little bit?”
“Shut up,” she hissed. “I’m trying to focus.”
“Alright, alright,” he snickered, putting his attention onto the game right alongside her.
Pac-Man is, admittedly, not as much of a disappointment as Miguel had initially chalked it up to be. In fact, he might even go so far as to say that he was wrong entirely and that the game was actually rather fun, though he wasn’t sure that it would be entirely fair to attribute his amusement to the game so much as the person he was playing it with. At the end of the day, it was just a few pixels on a screen – something that was over a century obsolete and had long since been replaced with far more complex and involved experiences – but there wasn’t anything that could ever possibly equal the time he spent with Xina or make him feel the way her laugh did.
…He’d forgotten the way that she stuck the tip of her tongue out when she was focusing.
As three of the four ghosts closed in on Xina, Miguel couldn’t help but wince. “Uh… please tell me you’ve beaten it.”
“Fuck!” was all he got in response, then, “this fucking game is so… What the hell?! Oh, no, no, no… Get away from me, bastards! I don’t want you to touch me, please, I’ll die- Ah! No! Shit, shit- Fuck! Fuck!”
Yellow pixels curled in on themselves in death as Xina wailed at the screen, and Miguel could barely hold himself up from the force of his laughter, mouth wide open as he cackled unabashedly. His chest heaved desperately for air, only for it to come out in more snorts and snickers, and Xina, clearly just as amused with the situation as he was, turned to him with a poor imitation of a scowl, her lips pulled up wide into a smile.
“Yeah, yeah, laugh it the fuck up, asshole,” she chided light-heartedly.
Then, all at once, her smile dropped, and her eyes went wide. The suddenness of it all was enough to near instantly cut off Miguel’s laughter, too, though his smile didn’t quite fall away yet. It warped into something nervous, and a few more uncomfortable laughs fell from him, his brows furrowing into something concerned.
“...What?” he asked cautiously. “What’s wrong?”
Xina didn’t say a word, though she approached him with her own skittishness, taking his cheek in her hand and leaning in close, and Miguel’s face flushed bright red.
There was a moment, however brief, that he was sure that she was going to kiss him.
Then, her finger hooked his upper lip and pulled it upwards, her eyes widening even further as her breath hitched, and, even then, Miguel still didn’t quite get it. It wasn’t until she spoke, voice shaky and small, that he understood.
“Fangs.”
A terrified bolt of dread lanced straight into Miguel’s chest, getting lodged there and weighing him down; stealing his air. His body immediately went tense, his eyes wide, and a trembling hand reached up and ghosted Xina’s, gently pulling it away from his face.
“Xina.” His voice came out strained, equally as small as hers.
“Miguel, you- you have fangs,” she nearly whispered, as if it was some sort of horrifying secret that might get her into trouble if she said it just a bit too loud.
“Xina, I… I can explain.”
With a squeak, she pulled out of his grasp, and he let her. She held her hand close to her chest, as if he’d somehow burned it, and her mouth hung agape in abject horror. “What happened to you? Miguel, I- I know where you work. I know what you do. What did you… What did you do to yourself?”
“It’s not like that,” he breathed, though the truth wasn’t far enough off.
“Then what is it like?” Xina demanded, though the way her voice wavered made the command fall flat. “What happened to you?”
“It was an accident,” and that, at least, was the truth.
“An accident?” she echoed. The way that it was said made it clear she wasn’t quite buying it. “So, what, you meant to alter your own genetics in another way?”
“No,” Miguel shot back in horror, then, “well- well, yes, but-”
“Oh, my god.” Xina blanched. “Miguel-”
“No, no, it’s not-”
“Yes, ‘it’s not like that,’ I know.”
“No, Xina,” he cried. “Just-”
“I really thought you’d changed,” she muttered, trembling. “I really thought-
“Please,” he pleaded, taking a step forward, “just-”
“Miguel,” Xina interrupted again shakily, stepping back in kind. “How can you possibly justify this?”
Dismayed, Miguel backed away, too, hands raised. “I can explain, Xina. Please-”
“Then do it, Miguel!”
“I’m trying. Please, just-”
“Just what?”
“Just listen!” Miguel finally shouted, brows furrowed and hands gesturing in frustrated desperation.
A scream tore from Xina’s throat and she stumbled away, her hands shooting up in front of her as if to push him away, and Miguel choked away a scream of his own, his eyes going wide. Her gaze fixated on his hands, chest heaving desperately.
“Claws!” she screeched. “You’re- You’re a monster!”
“No, I-” Peering down to his raised hands where his talons had inadvertently popped out, he gasped and immediately retracted them, glancing back up to Xina with his own look of horror. He looked distraught, face screwed up in distress, and he stepped backwards once more. Claws, fangs, yelling just as his father had, and Xina looked just as terrified as he’d felt. He loathed himself at the thought. “I- I am. I am a monster.”
Xina’s expression shifted, though only minutely, as she remained poised for fight or flight, breaths still coming in short gasps.
“I’m sorry, Xina,” Miguel sobbed, and his hands moved to clasp over his chest to steady himself. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled. I didn’t mean to- I didn’t mean to scare you. Please, I… I wouldn’t hurt you, Xina. Never. Never. Not like that.”
There was quiet again for a moment, and Xina’s eyes narrowed, sliding over him in suspicion; over his hands, to his mouth, then, to his eyes. Her eyes met his through his shades, and he carefully, hesitantly, raised a trembling hand to remove them, giving her full view of his eyes and all of the ways they had changed. Again she gasped, met with bright red as opposed to the brown Miguel knew she was accustomed to, and his breath hitched once more. He hoped that his eyes didn’t hold the same agony he felt, though he wasn’t sure he was so lucky; pain never was something that allowed itself to be quietly hidden away. Maybe that was another reason for the sunglasses.
Seconds ticked by, and they simply stared at one another, words drowned by terror and uncertainty that stole the air from both of their lungs, then Xina’s brows furrowed, and her eyes softened ever so slightly. She took a hesitant breath and stepped forward, reaching a hand out.
Breathless, Miguel eyed her hand and shuffled a bit back.
With a frown, Xina once more approached him, fear replaced by determination. “It’s alright,” she said, kindness in her voice, so sweet it almost felt placating, and it probably was. “It’s okay, Miguel. I’m listening now. I’m sorry I didn’t before.”
This time, he didn’t move away, but he still hesitated to take her hand.
“Come on, Miggy,” she urged. “I was just… startled. I know you’d never hurt me.” She wiggled her hand a bit, frowning at him. “I shouldn’t have called you a monster,” Xina mumbled, her voice breaking. “You’re not a monster. Fuck, I’m so sorry, Miguel.”
With an exceptional amount of gentleness, Miguel inched forward and took her hand into his. He fearfully met her eyes, all of his hurt on full display, then, “What… What did you say?”
Her eyes shone with sorrow, and she gave his hand a squeeze. “I’m sorry, Miguel. I should’ve never said what I did.”
“No, not that,” he gently corrected. “The other thing.”
Xina’s head cocked to the side, then, all at once, her eyes went wide. “Miguel.”
“The f-word…” he whispered with almost reverent horror.
Laughing wetly, Xina stepped forward and used her free hand to beat against his chest. “You’re unbelievable!” Her fist came to rest against him gently, and she frowned. “Fangs, claws, red eyes, and you really haven’t changed a bit. I should’ve known.”
“I’m Spider-Man,” Miguel blurted, and Xina made a choked sound, looking back up at him.
“Alright, maybe you’ve changed a little.”
A hand came up to ghost Xina’s cheek, and he gently wiped away her silent tears. “Is that a bad thing?”
She leaned into his touch, though her eyes remained fixed on his. “I… I don’t know. Is it?”
Miguel frowned, looking away. “I’m not sure,” he admitted. “I’m… I’m trying to be good; better than I was before.”
“Well,” she hummed, removing her hand from his chest and placing it over the one placed on her cheek, “that’s all you can really do, I guess. For the record, I think you’re better already. The old you never would have risked his neck for someone else.” A beat. “Or apologised. Or pretended to like some twencen stuff just because I do.”
“The game was fun,” Miguel confessed.
Again, Xina hummed, a small smile on her face. “You really think so?”
“I do.”
“Well, gee, how bad of a change could you have possibly gone through, then?” she teased half-heartedly. “Seems like it gave you better taste.”
“Har, har,” he huffed sarcastically. “Very funny.”
“Who said I was joking?” Then, before Miguel could respond, “I really am sorry, you know. For calling you a monster.”
Immediately, he fixed her with a frown, averting his eyes once more as all of the hurt from before returned. “Aw, shock. And here I’d thought my sly tactic had worked this time.”
With a sad laugh, Xina patted his hand, gently pulling it away from her face and holding it down by where their other pair were still interlocked. “On me? Never.”
Miguel glanced down at their linked hands, thinking of his claws and how terrified Xina had been of them mere minutes earlier. Aaron had been terrified of them too, back when the guy had tried to kill Miguel and gotten himself killed instead, and he’d had a right to be when Miguel had shredded his skin without even realising he was doing it. How many times could one person accidentally hurt someone else before it meant that he was simply something evil and wrong; a monster.
Exhaling shakily, Miguel’s face fell, his shoulders sagging as he tried hard to keep back tears. “Well, you were right. I am.”
“Miguel O’Hara,” Xina hissed, squeezing his hands hard; enough to make him wince.
His eyes met hers again, unwavering. “Xina Kwan.”
She didn’t speak, her expression screwing up into that same withering glare she’d fixed him with earlier, but Miguel still didn’t back down.
“You said it yourself,” he retorted to her silent disagreement. “I messed with something I shouldn’t have, and now I’m here.” The next words were spat, like venom. “A monster.”
“You are not a monster,” Xina seethed once more, as unwilling to give in as he was.
It was times like these that made Miguel less grateful how stubborn she was. It was also times like these that reminded Miguel why he’d left her for Dana; though, even more strongly, why he shouldn’t have. And, really, it was times like these that actually made Miguel all the more grateful that she was, in fact, as stubborn as she was. He knew well that he’d back down before she did. He always had. As arrogant and self-absorbed as Miguel may have been, he was also a coward. Xina had never been a coward.
“Monsters are scary, Miguel,” she continued, insistent as always. “You’re hardly scary.”
Scoffing, Miguel rolled his eyes, brows furrowed. “You seemed pretty afraid of me.”
“Startled,” Xina quickly corrected. “There’s a difference. I could hardly be afraid of someone who can’t even beat me in Pac-Man.”
He laughed shortly, glancing at her with narrowed eyes. “That’s your standard?”
“For you it is,” she smirked up at him, “because it’s never going to happen.”
“You’re unbelievable,” he said.
“Thank you,” came the response.
Looking about as pleased as he felt, Miguel gave in, his head falling forward with a sigh. “You don’t even know what happened,” he mumbled. “What if that changes your mind?”
“You said it was an accident,” she said, leaning her own head forward so she could still see his eyes.
“It was,” he immediately confirmed, a little too desperately. “It was, but…” He paused, teeth gritting as he struggled to get the words out. It was difficult for him to tell if he just didn’t know what to say, or if he was too afraid to actually say it. Both options were equally as likely, and, also, equally as frustrating. “I… If I’d been smarter- If I’d just been more careful in the first place, then I never would have needed to- I wouldn’t have had to- Because I had to, Xina, I swear. Or- Or I thought I did. You have to understand that I- I didn’t want to… But if I’d just- I don’t know. If I’d done better- If I’d been better I… I wouldn’t be…”
When he trailed off for the second time, lips pursed with frustration both at his past self for everything that had gone wrong and for his current self for messing this up, too, Xina hummed and graced his hand with another comforting squeeze, forcing him to look up at her and meet her gaze with misty eyes.
“It’s okay, Miguel,” she gently assured. “You don’t have to tell me. You may have been pompous-”
“I was not pompous.”
“-but you were never stupid, do you hear me? Arrogance or not, I don’t pin you as the kind of man to mess with his genetics just for fun,” Xina conceded, and a bit of the tension left Miguel’s shoulders. Then, she huffed, smiling teasingly and clearly trying to lighten the mood. “Especially since you so clearly thought you were perfect already.”
Miguel glowered at her, though it wasn’t very intimidating with his hands still gently held by hers and eyes still red with unshed tears. “Pushing your luck with the guy with claws. Not very smart.”
“Yeah, yeah. Beat me at Pac-Man, and then try threatening me again.” She laughed, meeting his eyes with her own sparkling with empathetic grief; there was a distinct lack of fear where there had been before, and Miguel couldn’t help but to let out a small breath of relief. She must have heard it because she gripped his hand tightly once more.
“You don’t have to tell me what happened,” Xina repeated, firm. “It wasn’t intentional. That’s what I was really worried about. That would have been scary.” She brought their hands up between them, glancing to them and smiling. “Claws or not, you’re still the same old Miguel.”
Miguel’s eyes locked onto their hands, too, and he managed to return a small smile. The relief was both light and heavy at the same time, making his shoulders sag in exhaustion as all of the tension and adrenaline resided and left him with the familiar fatigue of the moment the fight ended and he felt safe once more. Although he’d never say it out loud – knowing well that he’d be teased for it – Miguel could firmly admit that none of the foes he’d faced as Spider-Man had ever scared him half as much as this, and, in turn, they’d never left him with half of the respite after the fact.
“Maybe I’ll tell you one day,” he murmured. “Not yet.”
“Whenever you want, Miguel,” Xina replied, genuine, then, after a beat, “I do have one question, though.”
Frowning, Miguel hesitated again.
“It’s really simple, I promise!” she reassured, shaking his hands with a bit of a laugh. “You don’t have to answer. Just hear me out.”
Only minimally soothed, he let out a long sound of dismay that ended with an exasperated, “fine. Shoot.”
Then, face beaming, Xina asked the most stupid question Miguel could have possibly thought of, “Are you a vampire?”
For a moment, he could only stare, too surprised to even remember how to show it. Then, his eyes narrowed, and he cocked his head to the side with a pointed look. “I remember you being smarter,” he deadpanned.
Finally, Xina pulled her hands out of his, raising them in surrender with a vivacious laugh. “I just had to be sure!”
“Oh, you just had to be sure. Of course,” Miguel echoed, unamused. “Well, I hope you’re satisfied with yourself, idiota.” He huffed, arms crossed over his chest.
“Quite satisfied, as a matter of fact,” she shot back, and how could he be mad when she was smiling at him like that.
Biting back a laugh, he tried harder to maintain his frown. “You’re the worst, do you know that? Just the worst.”
“Aw, come on,” she tutted. “If I’m so bad, then why were we a couple?” Xina smirked, quoting his own words from their reunion all those weeks ago.
Then, Miguel couldn’t hold back his smile anymore, returning her exact response. “Because I felt sorry for you,” he quoted. “And it bugged my dad.”
“As good of a reason as any,” she hummed, a hand resting on her hip. Then, her eyes narrowed as she seemed to realise something. “You know, I know I made fun of you for that wall crawling joke back then, but, knowing what I know now, it actually is funny.”
A short huff of surprise fell from Miguel’s mouth at the statement, and he was reminded again just how different Xina Kwan was from Dana D’Angelo; someone who certainly wouldn’t understand what had happened to him, and someone who had pushed him for the truth even when he’d begged her not to; not Xina Kwan; not the person who’d believed he could be better even when he didn’t want to be and encouraged him once he finally did. The realisation was a pleasant one – a rare moment of pure glee that he revelled in amidst all of the sorrow he’d been surrounded by as of late – and his face was overtaken by a wide smile, red eyes crinkling in joy and fangs on full display as he laughed once more.
This time, Xina didn’t even flinch, just laughing along with him.
#blaise writes#miguel o'hara#xina kwan#xinamiguel#spiderman 2099#spiderman 2099 comics#spider man 2099#atsv#astv fanfiction#fanfiction#hurt/comfort#angst#i think about them so much#we never got to see xina find out that miguel was spider-man in the comics#and i think that's a travesty#but also miguel literally would have never told her#so i have to meet in the middle a little bit
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Digimon Adventure 02: The Beginning
So, I saw The Beginning yesterday at an AMC theater. I saw it subbed to keep things consistent. I'm gonna split up my reaction into two parts: experience and the movie itself. Angry rant ahead...
Side note: Why is this movie called "The Beginning?" Are they planning more...? (I mean, they're always planning more I guess lol).
Theater Experience:
Always such a delight to see an anime movie in theaters, it's becoming as common as every-other-month these days which is very exciting! It's very rare that I get to see a movie like this that's a continuation of a series. Usually I'm not caught up enough to do that (although I did watch the Shirobako and Jujutsu Kaisen movies without watching the shows lol).
I had no idea that they were going to give me trading cards as I walked in!! This seems to becoming a more common gimmick these days. When I saw the most recent MHA movie they gave me a mini manga. More of this please! I know it's just cheap junk, but it makes the whole thing feel like an experience :D
Theater was more crowded than I expected and full of geeks, of course. I heard someone's ring tone go off and it was a Digimon sound effect. When the ad for the vital bracelet played one dude proudly shook his wrist in the air. I saw a Gatomon plush and the dude in front of me got so hype for the digivolutions that he started filming it on his phone (which I don't condone, but it was kinda funny seeing how into it he was).
Not a single child in the crowd. I guess this movie is obvious millennial-bait tho, so that's to be expected. (Also it was 7pm on a dark Thursday).
Cute little intro interview with the director was cute. My brain had to adjust to reading subtitles on a big screen. I guess I just don't watch foreign films outside the home too often.
Movie Reaction (MAJOR SPOLERS AHEAD):
WTF did I watch!? This movie was batshit crazy and I have many conflicting emotions. I feel like it was simultaneously super intense and really bland at the same time? Let me elaborate...
Putting aside the new dude for a second, the 02 cast really didn't do much in this at all. They all kind of acted as a collective instead of feeling like distinct people with their own roles to play. Their entire motivations/existence revolved around Lui's plot line which is really a bummer. Some characters, like Iori and Hikari were especially sidelined and bland (not that Iori was that great to begin with lol).
The only scenes I really liked with the 02 cast were when everyone (especially Miyako) was telling Lui to cut the edgy crap and just talk to them. I like when aloof characters are called out like that. Also, I liked the part where Miyako accused Daisuke and Ken of flirting teehee (queer baiting!? In MY digimon??) That got a laugh out of the audience too.
Okay...moving onto Lui's story. Jesus Christ. I liked where it was going at first and thought the whole grimdark, Madoka angle (major Kyuubey vibes) was interesting (if not a little too over the top), but then (in my opinion) they COMPLETELY bungled things!! So essentially, Ukkomon kills Lui's parents and potentially multiple children in their efforts to "make Lui happy" by making all the humans in his life behave "correctly." Horrifying and effectively creepy (especially in the scene where they "puppet" Lui's parents). This all culminates in Lui "killing" Ukkomon and losing his eye (which then gets replaced with Ukkomon's eye). I was on board for this horror angle, but then the 02 kids were like "awwww, poor Ukkomon~" WHAT. THE. FUCK. A kid tells you that a monster thingy killed your parents and your reaction is "but did you try being their friend??" Nooooo! So basically the rest of the movie is the kids victim blaming/gaslighting Lui into submission and he's like "you know what? It IS my fault that my parents died! I should have been a better friend." NOPE. This madness just ruined the whole thing for me. Like, what the hell were they thinking? Anyway, rant over. I'll go back to talking about the not as heinous things now.
I liked Ukkomon's sea angel-based design. I didn't exactly find them cute but they were good at being creepy. It was definitely disturbing to see what happens when a digimon partner is HATED by their human.
The "Unkomon" joke was funny but they didn't give a translator's note or anything so I was wondering how many people in my theater got it lol (I guess it depends on how much anime you've seen).
Lui's digimon eye looked really stupid and I think they knew that because they covered it up for most of the movie. I think it was more effectively shown in brief closeups but anymore than that it was just too goofy looking to take seriously.
The scenes about digimon bonds and the (obviously fake) threat of losing them were boring and cheesy. I think they were going for heartwarming, but something about it was very forced. The stakes definitely never felt real.
At the beginning of the movie they used smartphones to digivolve instead of their D3s...wha...?
Speaking of D3s, when they faded away (weirdly slowly) at the end and Hikari was like "what even was the digivice for anyway?" I had to laugh. That's what I've been saying! The lore around digivices, D3s, Arcs (or whatever Tamers wanted me to call them) has always been so vague. Anyway, I feel like they should be more concerned. Doesn't this mean they can't digivolve now...? (They acted like the power of friendship would just make it happen somehow, but I'm not convinced).
The updated digivolution scenes were fun (and funny to see on the big screen), but after watching Tamers, they still seemed lazily done comparatively. I still dislike that they show the greater digivolution at the start of the sequence. What's the point of that?
The movie started with Bolero, because of course. I had to roll my eyes at the nostalgia pandering. We also got a random reference to the first Digimon Adventure short film. That felt jarring since the animation style is so different.
So like...Lui time traveled and told his abusive mom to "be nice cuz your son loves you" and that just stopped all abuse forever? Riiiight...What is it with anime's crappy handling of child abuse lately? They pulled this same shit in Belle. You can't stop domestic violence by going "tsk tsk" to the abuser!
Rolling my eyes at Lui's introduction: "He's the first kid to ever partner with a digimon AND he has a super special eye AND cool grey hair AND his digimon can grant wishes." Serious "My OC don't steal!!" vibes.
Wait...I don't think they ever followed through with the "Ukkomon is connected to a digimon God" plot thread. Is that for the sequel or something? (Digimon 02 2 - The End? lol)
We got a little shipping stuff with Miyako and Ken at the end there. They had zero chemistry in the show and they continue to have zero chemistry in the movie...yaaaay.
I feel like, other than Daisuke and Lui, they just gave all the other guys the same haircut and they faded into the background lol. Ken just looks like some guy now.
Ukkomon's eldritch design was cool. I wish they just let him be evil instead of misunderstood...
So yeah, the writing in this was kind of a train wreck but I had fun regardless! Very curious to hear the dubbed version someday. How many people reprised their roles?
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Being Thor's best friend + Týr's Fiance part 1
✧▬ ▬▭▬ ▬▭▬ ▬▭▬ ▬▭▬ ▬▭▬ ▬▭▬ ▬✧
Reader: female | Thor x sister-in-law Reader (Platonic)| Týr x reader (romantic eventually)
Notes: Yeah I'm writing for God of War: Ragnarök now I'm not sorry
Warnings: not really but involes: bitchy mom, arranged marraige
✧▬ ▬▭▬ ▬▭▬ ▬▭▬ ▬▭▬ ▬▭▬ ▬▭▬ ▬✧
You had always been good friends with Thor since childhood, and you always had each other's backs when getting into trouble.
You'd get into trouble at the Meed Hall with a drinking contest and then see who could walk in a straight line, staggering into another bargoer before a brawl struck out
Odin sees you as an asshole, and so do your own parents at your young ages
Always the two of you getting into trouble.
You knew he had a hard time, with his birth mother gone, his new mother in the picture, and his new brother Týr
He always did have a hard time connecting; especially with his dad's assholeness
You've both been on many adventures together, to Midgard to the mild falls, Jötunheimr to the cold snow to throw snow at one another, and to Muspelheim to warm yourself up afterward, paying Surtur a small visit with a hello.
He'd admit, everyone liked you: you were kinda hard not to like: always caring about everyone else while still caring about yourself.
Till one day late: you're waving to Thor as he goes home and you're going your separate ways
He goes to his father's study, as per usual, but is quick to hide seeing his parents talking just outside his father's study
"She is a child!" Her father argued.
"Child or not she is reckless, our bloodline will be ruined."
"She'll find someone she loves!-"
"That someone needs to be an Aesir, not some...Midgaurdian." Her mother snapped, "This isn't some fairytale story that you plagued her brain with: she needs to grow up. The All Father already agreed."
"Behind my back!? Like you do everything else?"
"yes, because I get things done, unlike you husband. I get shit done," Her mother argued, "She leaves for the temple."
"you not only wish to marry off my child but send her away-"
"Be silent!"
Thor was quick to leave, and to your house, running as fast as his feet could carry him, and to your window, but he was too late, damn his fathers telporting birds
"Mother."
"pack your sack."
"For what If I may ask."
"An expedition, to one of the temples-"
"You're letting me go to Midgard! For exploration!" Y/n cheered. "For how long?"
"A..winter or two."
"Really! Yes!" Y/n cheered, "Can I tell Thor before I go!"
"He knows already darling."
Y/n nodded, "Quickly now, you leave immediately."
Thor could easily stick up for you now: like you had him so many times, it wouldn't be hard, you made it seem easy
But he couldn't, and he felt ashamed of that
He didn't even try and chase you down to say goodbye: you were walking into your own demise
he didn't see you for a while after that
a long time
he drank himself to death: if he could that is,
What was he doing? He was sitting here drinking, you most likely restrained to a temple room
You didn't deserve that.
yet he drank and drank, and eventually, Sif came along
and like dust, with a blow of the wind you were gone; from his mind from his heart
And he married Sif
But it brought back you: his best friend, his practical sister; he would have liked you there, laughing your asses off together
He thinks Sif would have liked you
But it feels as soon as Thor's married, his younger stepbrother Týr is apparently sent to get married.
It's a big deal of course, an arranged marriage, by the Allfather himself.
It's unfortunate: You feel stranded, you feel alone; your mentally beaten into submission
So when everyone's gathered at the hall for the celebratory dinner: And you show up,
Your sure Thor choked, shit he's sure he choked.
But there's something different about you besides the clothing and the hair
For an immortal god, you look dead
In the eyes, in the face, you're color gone, no smile, and eyes cast down
You use to wear pants, roll around in the dirt, smile, and beat the shit out of him, this...wasn't you
Týr was a sweetheart, tried to help you warm up: tried to get to know you
He was being as forced as you were in full honesty
He could try and make the best out of it.
"I heard you enjoy painting."
He didn't even receive an answer
Sif was quite well aware of Thor staring you down.
"May I leave for air..."
"You mustn't ask me unless you wish my company-"
You were up the next second leaving to go get air.
Thor could have easily followed you
"So that is Y/n," Sif commented, breaking Thor from his head, but he didn't answer.
"Go to your friend, she needs your friendship more than anything."
So with a slight boost of confidence from his wife, he followed far behind in your footsteps
If he knew you which he did, he knew you were going down to the rocks where the ocean met the land
And sure enough, he found you sitting there, in the same damn spot as you would when you were kids on the small cliff
"hey, there shitface."
Y/n was silent, "Slime ball?"
Still silence, "Stick up my arse?"
Y/n looked back at him, then back in front of her, "My husband-to-be is not here, we can't speak."
"He can shove it up his wise arse."
Thor walked over, taking a seat next to her, the silence thick and heavy.
"N/n."
"My name is Y/n."
"Since when-"
"Since you knew what was going to happen to me," Y/n argued standing up and starting to walk away.
"What was I supposed to do!?" He argued Y/n turned her head.
"Be there! For me!" She argued
"What good would that be!? I didn't send you away!"
"I'm not asking you to fight for me! I'm asking if you'd have been there for me! You were my best friend! Practically my brother!"
Soon you guys stopped arguing, and out of all things started fighting, like physically
with swords and hammer
Sure, you felt angry-despair more than anything, but it changed, in both of you.
Fighting like this felt like you were both kids again, and with the ground wet, mud was bound to be thrown up.
and oh it was, covering the two of you in mud before your mother came out furious looking for you
both of you were brought back into the hall, covered in mud like children
he shoved you first, you shoving him back, and it continued until your mother stopped both of you
So the celebration contained, and your mother was embarrassed and furious,
you were a child, even if she tried to break you after all those years, flipping Thor promptly off as she dragged you off to change, earning a smack in the back of the head by her and a groan from you
Meanwhile, the celebration continued without you, and she put you in one of those fancy dresses, even though it pained your thighs as they rubbed together, and you had to pull it up every so often
You were quiet and quickly returned, your mother ordered you to act properly as you were sat next to Týr once again
Dancing was also apparent later in the night with music, you weren't much of a dancer besides fighting
Týr still tried to get to know you but was silent while doing it, watching you rather than trying and interrogate you
The Valkyries were quite a fan of you, promising training battles as they came up to you
Freya was also quite nice to you: sweet, a friend to confined in if you truly needed her,
"A battle!" Thor's booming voice came over the music, the slamming of his mug down causing the room to come to a halt, "For the giant's head!"
Týr looked her way, "I suppose he is calling to you."
Y/n looked at him, "I truly do not mean to stop your fun as long as it promises a conversation between us privately."
Y/n nodded, "For my head then."
Y/n was quick to get up, kicking off her uncomfortable shoes.
"Looks like you'll owe me ahead," Y/n smirked, "Perhaps yours?"
There was cheering from both sides, Sif had even turned on Thor, cheering Y/n on.
#x reader#gow: ragnarok#gow thor#gow tyr#gow:ragnarok x reader#god of war: ragnarok#x female reader#female reader#týr x reader#thor x reader#God of war: ragnarok x reader#Gow:ragnarok headcannons#god of war#týr
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pancakee..PANNCCAAKJKEKKEKEEKEWHWUUAHAGAGGH AHHH!!!!! RRTAGAHAJGAHGFHAAHFHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
okayokay. so.
going into utyellow i was like SO IVE HEARD. this is gonna be good. in my mental list i was like i wanna know more about starlo and martlet :) my brother said Ceroba was nothingburger but GOD WHAT DOES HE KNOW.ahem.
the beginning i was like omg flowey... and then he was like FRIENDLY??! AND I WAS LIKE DAMN.... BRAIN EXPLODES.... and toriel <:) AND CLOVER FALLING(??you know) THROUGH THE GROUND AGAIN TO REALLY START THE GAME.... that was soo cooollll.....
and i was like. Okay Astrid. you KNOW Clover is gonna die at the end. are they just gonna do like a fade to black when you get to asgore? well maybe.. who knows.... and i was like okayokay itll prolly be more of a tearjerker maybe??? whatever thats at the end and this is now we'll get to it
the ruins with Dalv was so nice!! good twist to see how big the ruins(and soon after snowdin really is!) loved his. mysterious corn swag.
thenthen MARTLETTTT AHHHAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! snowdin my beloved... snfsnf.......... fun fact I used to have a crush on papyrus for like a week then it faded and i was like awh would've been cool to f/o him but its just not meant to be. IN COMES MARTLET WITH A STEEL CHAIR-
SHES SO CUTE N FUN.... HER PUZZLES ARE SO NICEEE AND SHE CHECKS THEM AND SHE FLYSSSS SO COOL YAYYY shes so sweetttt and her fight!! where she was constantly checking the rulebook was cute <:]
OKAY splitting this ask its getting kinda long for just one rdtfyughi
XPUSYOE7ODPUSO6 FINALLY GETTING TO THESE ASKS IM GONNA GET THE POPCORN
THAT IS LEGIT WHAT GOING INTO UTY VS COMING OUT FEELS LIKE. It's so bittersweet, and yet your heart is pulverized on the pavement. I love this game!
Also yeah your brother doesn't know what he's talking about. I'm sure that if Ceroba was a guy, a father grieving for his child (hello Ethan Winters), then people would probably like her more. But she's not. The curse of being a female character who's actually freaking GOOD. I CAN AND WILL DEFEND MY BEST FRIEND
Flowey is amazing. Like I'm so sorry Starlo, but Flowey is still my favorite ^^;;
The manipulation that this flower has is INSANE. And his boss fight? One of the coolest things! If you can stomach killing just one flier, you'll have a whale of a time fighting Flowey
Also HOOO PAPS CRUSH YEAAHH!! And you and Martlet would be so cute!! Absolutely yes!!
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I feel like Tang Xuan is the type to fall in love at first sight but not know how to interact with his crush without becoming a blushing mess. Do you have any hc’s about him?
100%!! Oh sweet lil Tang xuan 💕 lil monkey sunshine boy, how i'd love to have you in my team.....
Tang xuan w a crush on you!
Xuan isn't someone to be embarrassed about much. He wears his heart on his sleeve, and proudly expresses his feelings about others.
If someone's rude, he'l say it! If someone's cool, he'l say it! He doesn't need to be prompted! "Hey man- that's not cool, cut it out!" "Hey has anyone ever told you how ✨epic✨ you are??"
But then he met you- and he's unrecognizable.
His usual loud words are cut down to small shy nods, his hands are always fumbling with something and his body temp is even hotter than usual. It makes him all sweaty and gah!! It's so embarrassing!! It shouldn't be- he talks to people whilst being sweaty all the time! He's an active guy yknow! But he feels all gross and clammy when it's you! :(
His words aren't bold but hesitant, he sort of just melts and complies to whatever you say. All his usual expressions just vanish.... if you like something, he'l bend and say he does too- even if he hates it. All his confidence in his opinions,just, gone.
Touch him unprompted! You think it's okay- i mean he doesn't mind with pretty much everyone and will even playfully encourage people to give his piercings a poke- but when it's you- ahhh his brain melts right out of his brain!! He just stands there dumbly while you poke and prod at his piercings- his hair, his outfit, his skin. It feels like his heart is about to melt trough his chest...!!
He tries okay he really tries to act all friendly like he usually does. But he can't! He feels like a lovesick highschool boy! 😫
He just gets so empty headed when he's with you, no thoughts. He just zones out and stared at you.. when you're around, he always has a semi present blush across his cheeks. So much so you thought he just had a natural blush to em. But nope!
I hc his back is very sensible, like Yunnie's. I can't tell if his bodysuit has an open back like Yun's but since his jacket has four arm holes i assume he can have four arms and if he had a closed back they wouldn't be able to burst out properly? And their suits seem to match so gonna believe his undersuit has an open back! And he's very flexible and sporty okay but sometimes he's just got so many knots and he can't ever say no to you!! So when you offer to massage his shoulders he just stands there like a goldfish out of water mouth gaping before he smiles dumbly and says "uh- yeah. Sure! Yes..."
He has his hand covering his mouth and his cheeks are ablaze AHHHHH YOU'RE???? He can't decide how he feels about it but he knows he only wants you doing it from now on!!
Braid his hair!! Sometimes it just doesn't work out, everyone's got a bad hair day. He loves having you touch him he just doesn't know what to do with himself when you do. You're still totally welcome to!!!?
He daydreams about you way too often. His friends notice, too. He's always gushing about you, about how cute you are, how soft your hands are, he rants about you for HOURS! And yet when you finally show up it's all stutters and "uhm- i-you- i mean- hi!!!!"
Ahhh lovesick Tang xuan is just way too cute..!! He can't do anything without thinking 'this would be so much more fun with.....'
He kicks his legs like an excited child when he's waiting for you to join him somewhere!!!! It's so cute?????!!! 😭😭😭 the little excited man canNOT stay in place!!
He gets you matching gifts a lot mostly friendship stuff but in his heart it's romantic gifts okay 🥺
He's so scared of ruining your friendship- i mean he's not even the kinda guy to do this! No, the usual Tang xuan his friends know would have winked at you, shot you a fingergun with that charming grin of his and hit you with a "hey, you're really cute! We should go out sometimes!! ♡"
Nope, instead he's resorted to writing out entire confessions before deleting the message. (One time he sent it on accident and barely had time to unsend the message- he nearly died right then and there..!!!!)
All kinda dates! (Well he doesn't CALL them dates but, they're dates) out to eat, out to see some animals, out in a gym to do some parkour training. He likes showing off to you, just a little bit! (He's not as self absorbed as Li ling he's too modest for this world)
If you send him a cute text?
He's so smitten. Smitten Tang xuan is the cutesy thing you will ever witness.
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i wonder what its like to genuinely feel special to someone. genuinely what is that like. to really feel, and know, on that deep level inside that youre someones favorite person. i have never felt that. im fighting off feeling like a. like an npc, constantly. even when i do technically feel good, i still dont feel like i matter. ive never felt like i was wanted. i feel like on a fundamental level my wiring that wouldve let me truly feel loved and wanted got ripped out by my abuser when i was a child. it sounds, dumb? like, "that couldnt possibly be enough reason" whenever i point out what i think caused this in me. but. he would come home from work and tell stories of amazing and interesting people who had my EXACT interests and hobbies. but he ignored me. i wasnt one of the one he valued and talked about. i was Too Loud whenever i sang. I was Annoying. i hurt his head. he never gave a shit about my art. never gave a shit about my hobbies. but there were all these amazing interesting beautiful characters he'd meet Out There. they were cool. they were the fun ones.
and now i feel replaceable.
now still as an adult i feel like im not anything. im replaceable. theres a better person out there somewhere who you should be friends with. im not unique. and any way that i might be theres someone out there without all my issues. you can do better than me. why are you still here.
its weird, its painful, its fuckin annoying. yeah brain i know everyone will get bored of us eventually. i know. but theyre interested right now so shut up and let us have this okay? just a crumb of niceness. of happiness.
you dont have to ruin good things now because they might wilt in the future. thats no way to live.
and idk i just kinda of wish i knew what it was like to be someones favorite. the person someone's always happy to see. someones comfort person. the person youd go to a party to see and be sad if they couldnt make it. idk. that kind of stuff.
but i just exist. thats how I feel anyway its probably not acurrate all of my issues give me warped perception. its not even the kind i could get rid of atm cause like. there is no switch to flick to feel like im lovable. I dont know how to start feeling worthy or wanted. i trust other's words when they tell me they care but i cant feel it. whenever i try to let myself feel like anyone cares i panic and feel like thats when my abuse will start again.
so i just dont even try to tear down the wall.
it hurts too much and its too scary and i just. cant. not right now.
i dont have it in me to start really feeling again, not yet.
anyway fuck my father and all abusive parental figures and abuser at large.
#abuse mention#abusive parents#tw abuse#creativelyrottedmind#rotthoughts#rambling#i wonder what thats like. to feel love. to feel wanted.#ive never felt like anyone Wanted me.#theres a longing in me that i cannot turn into words. to be wanted. to be desired. to be thought of when you arent around.#to be wanted. asked for. needed.#ive only ever just existed. no one cares if im not there.#im not important.
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So, here i’m back again. i kinda don’t want to, and want to at the same time.
Ed brains are so complex.
i tried recovery so much.
It was so painful in the process, from emotions to anxiety to literally physical pain caused by the digestion, the bloating, after starvation and laxatives. i remember getting triggered so many times by other’s comments. trying to prove some doctors that i was sick enough, even if i didn’t succeed to lose more than 20kg. some of them don’t care about your illness and suffering if you’re not underweight, if you still have your period, etc.
i am not skinny. that still feels like a failure on the inside.
i’m healthier now tho. i have more energy, my hair falls just the regular amount, im not close to faint when i stand up too fast, im not freezing cold all the time. i’m less pale, my face looks less flat. i smile more, i live more.
that should sounds like a victory, but that still feels like a failure on the inside.
•
i remember when i got on that side of tumblr the first time. my account was terminated 3 times. that’s why i don’t put barely any tags anymore. even when you’re not okay and try to vent a bit, strangers try to silence you to let you d!e. your simple existence bothers them. i’m not even one of these big accounts, and i’m not promoting this shit to others. i’m just trying to survive and feel less alone on the way.
A year has passed since my ED diagnosis, i got my yearly appointment to check where i was nowadays. i’m still at the same weight since a year, i’ve gained like 6kg after my first recovery attempt (even while eating like a 5 years old) and had to fight to lose them in the most healthy way possible, and maintain my weight in recovery rather than gaining. That still feels like a failure on the inside.
i feel so confused tonight cause i know i don’t want to feel obsessed and having my mind controlled by food and numbers again all the time, but also i remember how i smiled when that one doctor (the only one who cared, bless her) told me that even if i was still overweight as my BMI said, i was also severely malnourished.
•
so many contradicting words in my head.
« you are severely malnourished. » said this nutrition doctor at the hospital last year.
« you probably eat more than you think, because if that was true, you would be skinny » said my current psychiatrist this year. he made me get back at counting calories, because i was scared he was right.
« hm, 1200 calories per day seems enough for an adult person like you » he said when i calculed my daily intake over a month after that. i was in recovery but still eating around 1200 cal. that’s what a 2 years old child need daily. he didn’t believe me when i told him i was supposed to eat 2000 daily and that, therefore, i was still in some kind of restriction and looking for help, to do better. no everything’s fine to him.
« you look so hot and desirable as you are, thick is better than skinny » said one of my situationship.
« wow you look so young » said this girl at my school when learning my age, « that must be because you have a round face with round cheeks like children » she added to ruin everything.
« yeah that’s what it is to be fat, you age better » said another girl at my school, as a compliment. i was mortified on the inside.
« are you sleeping/eating well ? » asked a random doctor from my school. « well, in fact, i have an eating disorder, that i’m trying to recover from » i said to her. « ohh so you’re eating too much? » she assumed by looking at me. it says it all.
« wow the meal is looking so empty now you served yourself a plate » laughed my best friend and his girlfriend, after i said to them that i need no comments on my weight or my food in recovery. why they do not care ?
how to ruin any person’s attempt to get better. everytime.
•
i don’t know what should i do now. i’m torn.
One part of me wants to accept that i’ll stay that way and that it’s enough work done, that i should just learn to live with the mixed feelings i have, keep focused on recovery. the other part wants to surprise people when they’ll see me at school after summer, to get my flat cheeks again, to get back that sense of validation i got when people saw me eat and thought it was not much or not enough, when they complimented me on my weight loss, to get back the sense of security i felt through my silly controlling routines and limits.
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