i wonder what its like to genuinely feel special to someone. genuinely what is that like. to really feel, and know, on that deep level inside that youre someones favorite person. i have never felt that. im fighting off feeling like a. like an npc, constantly. even when i do technically feel good, i still dont feel like i matter. ive never felt like i was wanted. i feel like on a fundamental level my wiring that wouldve let me truly feel loved and wanted got ripped out by my abuser when i was a child. it sounds, dumb? like, "that couldnt possibly be enough reason" whenever i point out what i think caused this in me. but. he would come home from work and tell stories of amazing and interesting people who had my EXACT interests and hobbies. but he ignored me. i wasnt one of the one he valued and talked about. i was Too Loud whenever i sang. I was Annoying. i hurt his head. he never gave a shit about my art. never gave a shit about my hobbies. but there were all these amazing interesting beautiful characters he'd meet Out There. they were cool. they were the fun ones.

and now i feel replaceable.

now still as an adult i feel like im not anything. im replaceable. theres a better person out there somewhere who you should be friends with. im not unique. and any way that i might be theres someone out there without all my issues. you can do better than me. why are you still here.

its weird, its painful, its fuckin annoying. yeah brain i know everyone will get bored of us eventually. i know. but theyre interested right now so shut up and let us have this okay? just a crumb of niceness. of happiness.

you dont have to ruin good things now because they might wilt in the future. thats no way to live.

and idk i just kinda of wish i knew what it was like to be someones favorite. the person someone's always happy to see. someones comfort person. the person youd go to a party to see and be sad if they couldnt make it. idk. that kind of stuff.

but i just exist. thats how I feel anyway its probably not acurrate all of my issues give me warped perception. its not even the kind i could get rid of atm cause like. there is no switch to flick to feel like im lovable. I dont know how to start feeling worthy or wanted. i trust other's words when they tell me they care but i cant feel it. whenever i try to let myself feel like anyone cares i panic and feel like thats when my abuse will start again.

so i just dont even try to tear down the wall.

it hurts too much and its too scary and i just. cant. not right now.

i dont have it in me to start really feeling again, not yet.

anyway fuck my father and all abusive parental figures and abuser at large.

i dont know how it took me this long to fully come to terms with it but. im literally just aro. or something to that effect.

spending a couple weeks away from home and away from my toxic parent in a loving and comfortable environment at my partner's home has been an interesting and eye opening experience.

this is also why i stopped using my tracked tag for a while tbh

which line was it again? there are so many moments in the journal I don't really like because of what it makes Ford out to be man.

it's the one where they had him call fiddleford a hayseed. like, really? it just sounds like they wanted to use his lashing out to make him pick on his BEST FRIEND that he has ENDLESSLY COMPLIMENTED FOR HIS BRILLIANCE to make ford seem like he is deep down the kind of guy to poke at someone's upbringing and call them stupid. he's not a bully????

mmmmm heyyy👁️. ive basically been gone from tumblr for over two days because ive been feeling like a shitty piece of shit. BUT. i finally saw dune part 2 and ohmygoddddd it was so so good. but yes. i was missing leto so bad the entire time. Father come back pls. i need you.

Minor thing that really irks me is when people treat the femc route in p3 portable as like the lesser story or like it’s a fanfic where nothing that happens in it is the “true” canon like. Bitch. The femc and everything that happens in her version of the story is just as canon as the male protagonist and everything that happens in his story. And there’s literally been so many fucking versions of p3 at this point like the base game, fes, portable, the movies, stage plays, reload, as well as spinoffs and manga and they all do things differently. I don’t see anyone acting like the base game is more canon than, say, reload so why do they do this with portable? Why can’t the (infinitely superior) version with the female protagonist just be respected for five fucking minutes goddamn

spent months like I need prescription for my mental health give me prescription please please & now that I have it I'm like hm. do I want to have to take meds, actually

dropping out of college for the second time. i think after this i need to get a hands-on job that doesn't require a degree but is in my field. cuz a lot of those will pay you to go to school. and ive always stayed on top of it when somebody else's money was on the line (dumb)

last post ended up deleting my tags so im continuing them here

i think i gotta pl;ay fallout 4 ..

.

Have I ever told you guys how much I loveeeee Mari

Like whenever I’m talking to him I always feel so safe n comfortable n loved n he makes me feel like I’m the luckiest girl in the world 💞

Teehee I got hugged today 🥰

i have a very peculiar life where i've often, due to chronic illness and the resulting reclusive tendencies from said illness, just plain not associated with people of my own age on a regular basis for months or years at a time. but when i do go out, i'm, like, not an unattractive or socially unsuccessful person. well i'm not necessarily socially successful but i'm not unattractive. and i'll look back on like a certain period sometimes and realize that i had a lot of people trying to pursue me romantically, and i'm like "hey what happened to that? its been such a long while since anybody asked me out........."

"oh yeah i dont leave the house"