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babyboibucky · 3 years

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Deserve Better

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: Bucky disappeared and came back only to say goodbye.

Word Count: 2,887

Warnings: angsty angsty angsty angsty angsty

A/N: Post-endgame timeline with lotsa angst! Included Andy Barber here because why the fuck not but he’s really not a major character lol

Deserve Better || Undeserving || Deserve The Best

MAIN MASTERLIST

The day you got Bucky back was the same day he said goodbye. He left you— said it was for the best— just as when your fingertips touched him for the first time after five years of longing.

Your reunion with Bucky after the snap was nothing like the movies, far from it actually. A lot of things happened when he was snapped back, in between the battle with Thanos and Tony’s funeral. Besides, you weren’t an Avenger; you didn’t work for SHIELD nor the CIA. In fact, you remained oblivious of the battle that was going on until the moment of chaos caused by the sudden reappearances of half of the world’s population.

And then you received a message from Steve, about the tragedy and the sacrifice of Tony Stark. He was inviting you to the funeral and as much as you felt devastated from the loss of a hero, you couldn’t help but focus your attention on the last line of Steve’s message.

Bucky’s going to be there too. He’s back. He needs you to be there with him.

It wasn’t until the funeral was over that you finally got to have Bucky all to yourself. You had locked gazes when you arrived and staring back into his beautiful blue eyes again made your knees weak.

Bucky was really back.

“Hi.” He greeted you first, his voice remained the same— soft and gentle.

One word was enough to make you feel the warmth of his existence. Hearing him, seeing him again felt like finally coming home after a very long, tiring day.

“Hi, Buck.” You whispered.

Bucky’s smile was all it took for the dam to finally break. You’d burst into tears right then and there and you were more than ready to feel his arms around you after years of hugging yourself to sleep during his absence.

But the warmth never came. If any, Bucky stopped himself from doing so. You frowned when he took a step back from you, extending his metal arm to keep you at a certain length away from him.

“I’m sorry.” He uttered, refusing to meet your gaze.

“What do you mean?”

“I have to go.” He explained, gently squeezing your arm before rubbing circles on your skin using his thumb.

You didn’t understand why Bucky needed to go when he just got back. You just got him back. You had spent years crying over his disappearance only for him to come back and disappear again?

Bucky explained that he thought he got better but things have become so vastly different after the snap that it left him feeling broken and different again. He told you about Steve’s decision to go back in time, never to return again. How Tony’s death made him feel like it was too late to set things straight and how he would probably carry the guilt and regret from not being able to apologize for what he had done.

“I’ll help you, Buck. We’ll work through this together. I want to be by your side when things get better.” You insisted, tears blurring your vision as you tried to reach for Bucky, wanting to feel him again after such a long time.

But Bucky kept on moving away from you, he kept on pushing you away and you wanted to understand why he wouldn’t let you touch him.

“I’ll only hurt you, I don’t want that to happen. I want to get better because you deserve better. But I can’t do that with you because this...this is something that I gotta figure out by myself.” He further explained.

You shook your head, unable to accept his decision. “Buck...I don’t think I can lose you again. I just got you back...I can’t afford to lose you again, please?”

When you attempted to reach for Bucky’s hand, he finally let you. You quickly entwined your fingers through his metal ones and savored how they felt against your skin. They were cold as usual, but Bucky always oozed a certain warmth that made you feel safe.

But now they’re just that— cold and hard.

“I love you. I’ll wait, Bucky.” You murmured and tugged at his hand before he could even let you go.

Bucky smiled sadly at you, “You don’t have to, doll.”

You shook your head and brought Bucky’s hand to your lips as you cried, “I want to. And I will.”

Pressing one final kiss on his hard knuckles, you watched Bucky slip his hand away from yours before turning around to leave. You felt your chest tighten as if you lost all the oxygen in your lungs the same way you lost Bucky.

Losing him the second time around proved to be even more painful. Because this time, he didn’t just disappear.

He walked away.

You waited for Bucky to come home to you for days and weeks until they turned into months...and then years. Still, no Bucky walked through your doorstep but you never stopped hoping.

Sleep was such a rare occurrence to you since Bucky walked away. How do you honestly cope with the loss of someone when you haven’t even healed yet from his first disappearance? You wanted to get mad at him, curse him for suddenly deciding to leave you. But you felt selfish for even thinking about that, because Bucky left to better himself.

To be better for you. He said so himself.

So you kept waiting for him to come back. You made it your reason to keep going. You looked forward to the day you’d hear your door open followed by his heavy foot steps. You wondered, would he smell the same then? Would he still be using your favorite perfume on him? One that smelled like cedar wood and mint and well, Bucky. Would his hair still be of the same length? What about his beard? Would he shave them off before coming back home?

How about his gaze? Would his blue ones still look at you as if you were his moon?

As much as these thoughts made you miss him more, they were the ones that you held onto. They were like your glimmer of hope on nights you were the loneliest, on nights you cried and dreamt of his return only to wake up to an empty, cold space beside you.

You held onto these thoughts every single day in hopes of them becoming real soon enough.

People have told you to move on, to not waste your time waiting for someone who walked away just like that. But you trusted Bucky when he said he wanted to be better because you deserved better. You couldn’t move on, not from Bucky.

You love him with your entire being, so much that his absence caused you physical pain too. You couldn’t even find the right words to describe how much you love Bucky.

In the three years that you spent waiting, you’d met a lot of people too. People who showed interest but none of them really won you over.

You’d met a man named Andy through work. He was a lawyer and was dealing with his own divorce. The connection was there and you wouldn’t deny that.

Two people dealing with the grief from losing someone they love, it wasn’t that hard not to find a common ground. And you did find some solace in Andy and him in you. But it was just that, nothing more and nothing less.

“How has it been?” You asked Andy after he had settled into the booth across of you.

The restaurant was surprisingly scarce on a Sunday morning. Usually there were plenty of customers, their chatters overpowering the soft music playing in the background. Now, it was peaceful and the radio was turned off. There were only the clinks of plates of being set on tables and the footsteps of the staff walking around the place as they attended to the few customers around.

It was serene and peaceful, pretty much like Andy’s aura when he arrived.

“I wouldn’t say I’m fine but I guess I’m at a much better place now than before.” He said with a nod, as if he was finally agreeing with himself after questioning his emotions for the past few months.

You offered a kind smile and placed a hand on top of his, “It shows, Andy. I’m glad. I’m happy for you.” You said.

He had been going through a lot of emotions since he signed the divorce papers. He didn’t want to but knew it was for the best. Andy had a son, Jacob, and he didn’t want for his son to grow up in an environment where his parents no longer slept on the same bed. As much as he loved Laurie, the relationship was no longer working and was becoming toxic the more they stayed together.

“And you?” Andy asked back before calling the waiter.

You let out a deep breath, “Still waiting.” You chuckled as your stared at your hand that remained on top of Andy’s.

Andy spared you an apologetic glance but nodded, “I do hope he knows how lucky he is.” He said, turning his palm up so he could hold your hand.

To others, the gesture may seem romantic but it really wasn’t. You and Andy both knew that despite the similarities and the comfort you found in each other, the both of you were not meant to be together in that way.

Your heart still belonged to Bucky after all.

When you received an invitation from Sam Wilson, you felt confused and excited. There was going to be a huge gala at the compound to honor Steve Rogers’ legacy as Captain America.

You’d heard the news about Steve’s passing not long after he went back in time. He finally got to live the life he deserved and when he came back, it was as if everything had been corrected. He may no longer be the super soldier that many knew but he remained the same person— but he wasn’t the man out of time anymore. Despite his white hair and wrinkles, Steve looked the happiest he had ever been.

You wondered how Bucky coped up with such a huge loss, you always worried for him.

It sparked debate though, Steve’s decision to leave the Avengers. Some got angry, said that Steve was selfish for doing that. Others showed sympathy, that Steve didn’t owe the world anything. He’d spent a lifetime fighting for everyone. It was time that he fought for himself and what he deserved. And Sam fought just as hard for Steve’s legacy and finally, all his hard work finally paid off.

What confused you was whether Bucky was going to be there? Does he know about the gala? Was he finally back? If he was, why hasn’t he come home to you yet? You had so many questions that you wanted to ask.

The answers though, were literally in the palm of your hand— the invitation.

It was no surprise how big the gala was. Just on your way inside, you’d already come across a lot of big personalities. There were politicians and popular celebrities too. You felt intimidated given that you went by yourself and that you weren’t really part of their world.

You were just you, someone who had fallen in love with one Bucky Barnes who introduced you to the world of superheroes. The rest was history.

“I’m so glad you’re here!” You turned around and found Sam approaching you with a huge smile.

You embraced him and smiled as you pulled away, “I wouldn’t miss this for the world.” You told him.

It was Steve and Sam that you’d met first and they were nothing but kind to you. Despite being well, ordinary, they welcomed you like their own when Bucky had introduced you.

Sam’s expression changed at your response, “I honestly thought that you wouldn’t show up after Bucky said—“

“Bucky?” You immediately cut him off upon hearing his name.

“Bucky’s back?” You asked and Sam had never looked more confused as ever.

He carefully nodded, brows knitting together as he frantically looked around. “I thought you knew about it.”

“How long? How long has it been since he came back, Sam?” You probed, feeling your throat constricting at the unexpected revelation.

Sam merely looked at you with what seemed to be pity. Why? Why was he looking at you like he was sorry? And why didn’t Bucky tell you when he came back? Was he simply not ready? Or was he waiting for the right time?

“Sam, how long?” You asked again, voice firmer this time around.

“A year ago. He decided to join the Avengers but wanted to undergo formal training before taking on the responsibility of one.” He responded.

You opened your mouth to say something but it’s as if your whole body was paralyzed. He had been back for an entire year now...and yet he kept you waiting?

A hand on your arm pulled you back to the surface, looking up at Sam you shook your head in utter confusion.

“I don’t understand why he didn’t tell me.”

Sam sighed, “I thought you knew. He said he saw you and—“

Sam’s words died on his tongue when he saw that your attention was no longer on him. Following the line of your sight, Sam turned around and saw that Bucky had walked into the venue. He swallowed and couldn’t hide the guilt he felt from assuming that you knew about his return. Before he could apologize, you’d brushed past him as you kept your gaze on Bucky.

Why he didn’t inform you of his return was beyond you and to be honest, you couldn’t bring yourself to care about it for now. Because Bucky was right in front of you and it felt like forever since you last saw him.

A lot has changed. He chopped off his hair but he still sported some scruff. Bucky looked closer to his younger self back in the 40’s. You remembered the conversation you had with him about cutting his hair.

“Should I cut it?” Bucky stood in your bathroom, observing his long locks in the mirror as he ran his fingers through them.

You walked over to him, hugging him from behind and pressing your lips on his back before moving to stand beside him.

“Do you want to?” you asked.

Bucky scrunched his nose, “Maybe in the future. I do miss my hair back then.” he smiled.

You chuckled, “Back when Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes used to sweep the ladies off of their feet?” you teased.

Bucky turned to you and wrapped an arm around your wait pulling you closer to kiss your lips, “Hmm, I wanna see if that hair will have the same effect on you.” he said and kissed your cheek.

You hummed as you caressed his face with your delicate hands, “I’d like to see that too, but maybe you should keep the scruff.”

But it wasn’t just his hair that changed. It was his entire demeanor— his aura seemed a lot lighter now, he seemed happier and confident. You knew it for a fact because he wasn’t wearing a glove to hide his metal hand. It was out on display for everyone to see and shake, apparently.

You watched in awe as Bucky interacted with the people around him. He used to avoid eye contact with strangers but now he seemed relaxed doing so. Although he would still open and close his metal hand, something he did whenever he was anxious. The crowd still made him uncomfortable but he’s shown a lot of improvement since then.

The question as to why he never told you about his return continued to linger in the back of your head. But you couldn’t stop yourself from smiling from ear to ear, eyes brimming with tears as you quickened your steps.

Your Bucky was finally back.

And then the world seemed to have stopped when a certain blonde walked over to Bucky, her hand sliding over to his cheek as she leaned up to press a quick peck on his lips.

You knew her of course, Sharon Carter; and you knew about her and Steve. It was Bucky himself who told you about them and how proud he was that Steve finally decided to try his luck at romance. Which is why you felt even more appalled at the scene playing before you.

The way Bucky slid an arm around her waist, pulling her closer to him and how he tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. How he was smiling down at her, whispering to her ear as they laughed.

Bucky was in love with Sharon. You didn’t have to ask him that anymore because he was looking at her like she was his moon, his source of light in the darkness.

You knew that because he looked at you the same way, back when you still had his heart.

Suddenly, the questions plaguing your mind found their answers. You understood now why he never came home to you.

He did get better, you could tell that by the way he smiled and laughed.

Bucky was better now, but not for you. At least, not anymore.

Everything Bucky Tag List:

@ddowii @jessou893 @stealapizzamyheart @bagelofthelord @mxnt @dontputyourfckingdrinkonmytable @jeeperky @ohladymacbeth @wildflowergubler @supraveng @twinerd14 @buckysmar @bakugouswh0r3

#bbbwrites #oneshots: bucky barnes #bucky barnes #bucky barnes fic #bucky barnes angst #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x reader #bucky #bucky fic #bucky angst #bucky x you #bucky x reader #sebastian stan

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yanbaere · 3 years

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You accepted the Secret Alliance ending, I live in my own fantasy where Yul got a better ending, we’re not the same.

Also to all the people sending me asks and messages telling me I’m an abuse apologist, I’m not. So stop.

Spoiler if you haven’t read the manhwa.

Please do note that this is just my opinion and my analysis on it, it’s been a while since I read the manhwa so if something I say is wrong please remember that I’m just writing this using my pure memory and some little notes I had, so if something seems off or you notice I’m saying something wrong, you know why.

I obviously don’t condone abuse in any way or form. But I do have to admit Yul deserved better, yeah he needed to heal and move on but I also think he deserved to find someone that truly loved him for who he was, baggage and all.

Even if it wasn’t explicit I do think he deserved someone new to love so he can truly move past all the stuff that happened with the main character (I don’t remember her name because I don’t care about her).

I always thought Yul did physically abuse the protagonist but after learning their backstory and learning all the stuff that happened my opinion shifted. The protagonist is a very unlikable character, at least for me, and a very plain one if I can even say that.

At the begging I related to her because I also have a very deep fear of men, I don’t physically react to their presence but I try to stay away from them as much as I can. But after learning more about her there’s wasn’t much to work with.

Yul was deeply manipulative and even scary, but also mind you, he did everything he could to get the protagonist away from her abusive mother, he even put himself in danger for her so he could save her and give her a better life where her mother wasn’t abusing her, he swore to protect her from all danger because that’s what she did at some point in the past.

Yeah he threatened her into hurting her so they could have some proof/excuse that her mother was abusing her but never really acted on it.

She saw Yul differently from other people, he treated Yul for who he was. Yeah he was prettier that boys and more “feminine” than the rest but she never took that into consideration, she saw him as a boy, and that was something that really stayed with him.

When they both stay at school overnight I really thought “wow he’s really gonna abuse her now” and yeah it was a scary thought but it is a pretty dark story, so I kinda saw it coming, but he didn’t abuse her. And that confused me.

For obvious reasons I didn’t wanted for her to be abused or anything, even if I didn’t like her I wasn’t gonna wish or hope for that. He didn’t even hit her of anything; they just stayed all night at a warehouse at school.

The protagonist had a deep fear of men even before meeting Yul so I always thought that blaming him for ‘ruining her life’ and ‘making her condition worsen’, again, I don’t recall him ever abusing her in “that” way or even hitting her or stuff like that, but again it’s been almost a year since I read the story so my memory could be betraying me.

Another thing to take into consideration is the fact that the story tried to bad to make a parallel between the protagonist’s mother and Yul but I never really thought there were any.

The girls mom always blamed her for attracting dirty men, she even told her she was the one that was dirty and that corrupted men around her. Yul on the other hand never blamed her for any of that, he even said at some point that he himself was a “dirty person” for being so obssesed with her but never really blamed her. He always wanted to protect her even if he knew he was just as dirty as the people that got near her in the past.

I do think that as Yuri, Yul was very manipulative and maybe a little obvious. I always thought it was a little weird he was so open with his obsession towards the main character with other people, but then again the story is relatively short so it could be that. But I always thought it was weird considering he went all the way to dress like a girl so he wouldn’t get caught.

The blonde guy was very unappealing, yeah he was handsome but his personality was all over the place. I think his change of heart with the protagonist was to fast and I don’t like him. I don’t know why.

I think that was the main problem with the story. It tried to push the endgame couple down your throat so bad and never made a good chemistry with them. I always skipped the chapters that focused only on them because believe me when i say I wasn’t interested.

When the protagonist thinks she gets rejected and ACTIVELY SAYS she was gonna be with Yul so she could take out all her anger and pain on Yul I was like girl please seek a therapist please.

Breakups and rejections can be hard, I lived both and believe me it was painful to watch her think she was rejected, even if I didn’t like the main couple. But still, she getting rejected was never and will never be an excuse for her treating Yul/Yuri like how she treated them. She was excessively cold and mean towards them. Even when Yul was respecting her boundaries and wishes, giving her space to get changed, not letting himself see her naked and accepting they were not gonna have s*x. To Yul this was an absolute victory, he was happy he finally won and was able to live with her even if that meant pretending to be a girl the rest of his life.

First thing to come up in blond guy’s head when the main chara is in his bed? Lewd stuff, yeah. Just like the guys the main girl used to flee so much but okay. I swear I tried to like the main couple but they made it so hard.

Lastly I do think Yul going over the guy’s house to hurt him was kinda overkill for me? But then again, he never really hurt him, he hurt himself just like he did back when he was trying to save the protagonist from her mother. He cut himself because I do believe he was tired of having to work so hard for something so simple as being loved and accepted and not be alone. And by the only person he thought accepted him for who he was.

Yeah we see her worried but then being all cold towards him at the hospital? Not my cup of tea.

And her telling him to his face she did not feel anything for him? I don’t know.

I think her reading Yul’s letter and crying was a very cheap way of saving her character but again, I never found her likable so...

Yes I cried during Yul’s letter because it showed just how much he wanted to change and wanted to become a better person. And he did, he found a way to distract himself from her so he could move on. And he does, he says he’s sorry for everything he did and tells her how much he used to love her but he doesn’t feel that way anymore and is happy and ready to move on with his life.

I think it would’ve been nice to show him with somebody else, maybe even mention he was with somebody else because he really deserved to be loved but someone who has actually willing to accept and love him despite all he did.

He was an amazing character and I would’ve loved to see him be fleshed out more or get a better ending.

Good for the main couple for having happy life, I don’t care, but Yul my boy deserved better.

But again this was just my opinion so please take it with a grain of salt.

I love Yul. He’s my boy.

#yanbae talks #secret alliance #secret alliance manhwa #rant #not yandere #analysis #kinda #watch me forget the main characters name #for the whole rant

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finalgilmoregirl · 4 years

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off the table (steve rogers x reader)

warning: very angsty, fluff and a little smut but nothing too graphic. ALSO ENDGAME SPOLIERS!!

a/n: based on a request i got from @buckythetinman for the song “off the table” by ariana grande!! i loveeeee this song. 🤍✨🥺

this was supposed to be a blurb but i turned out to be superrrr long so i’m sorry for that and i’m also sorry for any spelling mistakes! i got a little confused with the time travel stuff but it’s okay i think.

—————————————————

Will I ever love the same way again? (Way again) Will I ever love somebody like the way I did you?

despite how happy steve seemed in the present day, finally adjusted with your help, you knew deep down he still wished to go back and know what could’ve been. what life would be like with his beloved peggy carter. so when the topic of time travel was brought up, you didn’t know whether to be excited or worried.

when the big “time heist” began you were teamed with the others to go back to 2012 to find the tesseract. but that mission went south very quickly and it was suggested that steve and tony go even father back to 1970. you and scott shared your doubts of the new plan, warning them that they didn’t have enough particles to come back after that. but they went anyway, and when they came back, you were relieved but you noticed steve was acting different. it was like he was stuck in a daze after that and you were worried that he’d seen something he maybe shouldn’t have. your suspicions were proven correct when you caught him looking at his compass. something you hadn't seen since you first started dating.

Never thought you'd be so damn hard to replace

I swear it don't need to be this way

the fight with thanos and his army had taken a big toll on you. physically, mentally and emotionally. bruises littered your whole body but the most pain you felt was in your heart. you tried to accept both natasha and tony’s deaths and be grateful for all the people that were alive because of them. but you just couldn’t. the first few nights after tony’s funeral, steve held you in bed as you cried. he helped you shower and encouraged you to eat when you couldn’t bring yourself to. and you tried your best to help him through the grieving process too, despite how helpless you felt. he refused it most of the time but was grateful nonetheless. and after you cried yourself to sleep, he would pull his compass out of the bedside drawer and look at the picture of peggy, and sighed at the thought of seeing her again. but then he would feel you nuzzling into his side, looking calmer than you’d had in days, and his heart sank at the thought of leaving you so vulnerable. would it be worth it?

you noticed the way he was pulling away from you. first he started staying in tonys basement lab late nights with bruce. he felt bad coming back to your shared room and seeing you in the same position you were in from when he left you that morning. but he was doing what he thought was right. he was hoping that not being close to you now, would make it not hurt so bad when he left.

this continued for a while. he started to think you’d die of starvation so he asked wanda to take you food, to which she said “you’re her boyfriend. this is supposed to be your job.” he brushed her off with an “i’ve been busy.” she took it upon herself to look in his head to see exactly what he was so busy with that he couldn’t look after his girl. and she was shocked to see a daydream of him going back in time and being reunited and happy with another woman, to which she recognized as margaret carter.

If I can't have you, is love completely off the table?

Do I sit this one out and wait for the next life? (Next life)

he missed you before he even left. the night before he was set to take the stones back it all hit him at once. how you’d been there for him through so much, and now he was leaving you? he tried justifying it by thinking you’d want him to be happy. but what about your happiness?

that evening he was determined to show you how much you meant to him, how much he loved you. he went into your room and saw that you weren’t in bed. he panicked for a second until he heard the shower running. he was proud of you for getting out of bed to freshen up, but remembered how he had been no help in it. he sat on the bed you two had been sharing and waited for you to come out. and when you did he felt his heart flutter and break at the same time. you were wearing one of his shirts, which he never got tired of seeing you in. but after taking in the rest of your appearance more clearly, he almost gasped. you looked so much more thinner than he last recalled, clearly a sign you still had yet to eat a proper meal. your eyes were puffy and skin looked dull.

he didn’t hesitate to stand up and engulf you in one of the tightest hugs he’d ever given. it surprised you at first and you couldn’t help but sob as you held him. you missed this. steve held back tears as he let out a sad “i love you so much y/n. i’m so sorry i haven’t been there for you.”

that night, he made love to you like it was the first time again. his showed how sorry he was by kissing every inch of your weak body and never going a minute without telling you how much he adored you. after hours of passion, steve held you in his arms and watched as you slept, trying to memorize every single one of your features. he pulled you close one last time and whispered to your sleeping body. “maybe we’d have our happy ending in another life, y/n. i just don’t think it’ll be this one.”

Am I too cold? Am I not nice?

Might not be quite yet healed already

Should I be goin' too steady? (Too steady)

But I just wanna know is love completеly off the table?

the next morning, you woke up in the arms of your boyfriend. and for the first time in a long time, you felt that things were turning up. you turned to see him already awake, though it looked like he had been crying. you reached up to hold his face in your hands. “what’s wrong stevie?” you asked, tiredly. he rubbed a hand up and and down your waist and exhaled. “i just love you so much baby.” he said. you wrapped yourself around him and ran your hands through his silky blonde hair. “i love you too” you giggled and he felt his heart swell. you pulled away just enough to see his face. he opened his mouth to speak but hesitated. you nodded, encouraging him to go on. “i uh..” he started, “i have to take the stones back today.”

you tensed under his hold and he felt it. “how long will you be gone?” you wondered aloud. steve let out a small sigh and didn’t answer right away, because truth be told, he didn’t even know. what would be days on the mission for him could possibly be only a few minutes for you or vice versa. it had been discussed with him that he’d have to go back to 1970 and was aware of the fact that he’d risk seeing peggy again. so he just gave the only answer he felt he could give. “i don’t know...not long.”

I'll wait for you Even though it always feels like I'll be number two

To someone you can't hold anymore

If you let me in, I'm ready to give you what I couldn't before

before you knew it, you were standing next to the podium and watched as bruce prepared the machine for steve to leave. you already accepted the thought of him not coming back before he even went through. and even though it pained you, there’s nothing you wanted more than for him to be happy, even if that meant him leaving you for someone else. he didn’t have to tell you, or explain what he was really going to do. you were always good at reading him, which is one of the things he loves most about you. but you guessed it wasn’t enough for him to stay.

so as you wished him luck, you gave him a knowing glance. a look of guilt washed over him as he mouthed a small “i love you”. and then he was gone.

'Cause I got you, girl, let me help you through it

You're trying to fill the void with a couple boys

I can see right through it (You can see right through it)

steve had told bucky what he was going to do. and he was furious. he’d grown close to you in the short years you’d known each other and it was safe to say he was very protective of you. he refused to let steve leave you, especially after all the loss you’d been through recently. but again, his heart was set. he knew bucky would take care of you. and that’s exactly what happened when steve was taking longer to come back than he should’ve.

you guess you hadn’t accepted his departure after all, cause in the midst of sam and bruce’s panic, you fell to your knees in a sob. clutching your chest as tears streamed down your face, bucky was quick to hug you. he didn’t say anything because really...what could he?

I can love you harder than I did before Was in a dark place back then

I was toxic, then I was toxic to someone else

I was haunted by the hills (Oh yeah, yeah)

I couldn't give you my all, but I will

If you let me in your arms (Your arms)

If you let me in your heart

I don't think that love's completely off the table

steve regretted leaving. he thought this was what he wanted. when he went back and saw peggy again, he felt his heart pounding, but he thinks that it was just out of nerves. after their reunion, peggy took them home and they shared their dance as he promised they would before he went into the ice. but something was off.

dancing with her almost felt wrong. her body didn’t fit as perfectly with his as he’d imagined. he brushed it off again as nerves but the longer the evening went with her, the more doubts crept up on him and he started to worry if this was all a mistake. peggy felt it too. she asked him about the future, how his life was like and what he’d experienced. he told her about saving bucky, the avengers and even going to space. without even noticing, he’d began talking about you. “who’s y/n?” she asked him. he registered what he had said and paused. “she’s uh- she’s a good friend.” she noted the dull glimmer in his eyes whenever he’d speak of this “y/n” but never brought it up. she didn’t want to spoil her second chance with him.

but overtime it seemed to spoil itself. steve and peggy seemed to have little in common, which often led to disagreements. another thing he began to notice overtime was how much he missed little things about the future. modern technology, the internet and most importantly, you.

how could he have left? you were happy together, had so much in common despite being born in two separate time periods. he understood your feelings and you understood his and he missed everything about you. he thought going back to his past would have been exciting and amazing but nothing was exciting without you next to him.

I don't think that love's completely off the table

he needed to come home to you.

he remembered about dr.pym’s lab and knew that with what he’d learned with tony and bruce, he could maybe manage to pull it off. steve didn’t care how long it would take. he just wanted you in his arms again.

Will you be there? (Yes, I will be there for you)

Can I still love you? (Yes, I been hurt before, before)

Not yet healed or ready (Not ready)

Should I be goin' too steady? (Too steady, no, no)

Just wanna know is love completely off the table?

of course there was still uncertainty while he worked through his plan. would you take him back? what if you’d moved on in the time he was gone? did you still love him? he hoped you were okay at least, that you found a way to be happy while he was gone. he explained to peggy what he wished to do and although she was upset to have him leave again, she couldn’t bring herself to stop him.

it took him three months to work it out along with the help of howard stark. and with a new determination, steve was excited to see you. standing on the platform, he pulled out his compass and opened it to look at a picture of you that had replaced peggy’s and gave a sad smile. “i’m coming home” he whispered.

So can you hold me?

If I let you, can you prove it to me? (Oh, no-no, no)

when steve returned to the present, he found the area surrounding the machine empty. everything was quiet save for the whirring the platform settling down. it didn’t look too different to when he had left but long enough for him to see the difference in the greenery. the trees looked taller and the grass that surrounded the area was longer, so he could only assume it had been quite some time for you. looking around the outside of the cabin, he found a way inside and managed to find the keys to one of tony’s cars. his drive back to the city went by in a blur, his mind too caught up in thinking of you. he was relieved to arrive at the compound and see it hadn’t changed much. there were still agents training outside and people coming in and out of the building. parking the car right in front, he took a deep breath and marched right inside, paying no attention to the people’s shocked faces and whispered, obviously bewildered to see the captain back after they learned he had gone back to the past. not wanting to wait for the elevators, he decided to take the stairs, wasting no time in going towards the residential floor you all had called home. in the midst of his quick actions, he almost didn’t hear a voice that was calling his name.

“steve?”

he turned to see bucky. confusion etched on his face. his hair was the first thing steve noticed, it was way shorter than before. he was snapped out of it when he remembered his mission to find you

“bucky! y/n. where’s y/n?” steve questioned. steve was glad to see his face, but bucky couldn’t say the same for himself. bucky didn’t know how to feel after seeing his friend. what the hell was he doing here?

“bucky please i need to see her!!” steve pleaded and as much as bucky wished it were that simple, he knew it wasn’t. it had been almost a year for them of being without steve and in that time bucky had helped to piece your life back together. you still had your bad days but he was still proud to say that with his help you were finally getting over him. he didn’t want all that time and effort to go down the drain if you saw steve, only to have him leave again. bucky shared his worries with him while steve continued pleading for you.

“bucky i SWEAR. i know it was a mistake but i promise i’m not leaving. i miss her buck just please i need her back!” steve professed. when bucky opened his mouth to object again he was interrupted by your voice as you walked out to the stairwell. “bucky? you okay? i heard some yelli-“ you froze. both men looked at you with wide eyes.

'Cause I need you to calm me down, babe

Gotta get out of my head (Oh, woah)

Tryna be here from this bed (Oh)

Just wanna know, just wanna know, know, know, baby (Hey)

steve was the first to speak. “hey n/n.” he said carefully, he could see the fear in your face and didn’t want to scare you away. he took a step towards you and that’s when you snapped out of your daze. you took in a sharp breath and a step back. there’s no way, you thought. you were imagining things. he wasn’t here. this wasn’t real. but then he reached and held your hand and the familiar warmth he gave off was enough to confirm the reality. it really was him. you let out a shaky breath and felt a tear run down your face. steve couldn’t take the wait anymore and pulled you tight against his body, you melting into him almost immediately. the smell was enough to make you choke on your tears.

“what are you doing here?” you asked him.

he gave a small teary smile. “told you i’d come back didn’t i?”

Can you touch it like you believe in it, baby? (Oh, hey)

Let me think you never gonna leave on me, baby

'Cause I ain't her and you ain't him, thankfully (Baby, don't leave)

But it's gon' be hard to let someone else in again (Woah)

Baby, baby (Woo-hoo)

steve was surprised that you had forgiven him so soon but you just couldn’t help it. he was back and you couldn’t be upset at him when he told you he’d never leave again. after all, he always kept his word one way of another. bucky left you two alone and you lead steve to the common room to catch up and figure out what would happen next. because looking back, steve left you for another woman and although you were grateful for his return, you didn’t know if continuing your relationship was the best option.

“steve how can i believe you? how do i know that you won’t think that this is a mistake and leave me again.” you confessed, sitting across from him.

Will you be there? (Will you be there? I'll still wait)

Can I still love you? (I'll still wait for you, babe, oh, no-no, no, can I still love you?)

Not yet healed or ready (Ooh, not ready)

Should I be goin' too steady? (No, no, ooh)

Just wanna know is love completely off the table, baby?

“i understand y/n.” he said. “and trust me when i say this doll, i’ll wait until you’re ready. and i’ll do everything i can to prove to you how sorry i am. i was so stupid for leaving but now i’m here and i can’t life a happy life unless you’re in it. i love you. i just want to know that this isn’t over.”

you put a hand on his cheek.

“trust me. it’s far from over.” you smiled at him.

I swear, I swear

I will wait for you whenever you need

Ooh, ooh

—————————————————

omg i’m so sorry this is so long i got way ahead of my self. but i hope you enjoyed!!

#steve rogers x reader #steve rogers imagine #steve rogers #chris evans x reader #steve rogers fluff #steve rogers angst #little marvel baby fic

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angeli-marco-writes · 4 years

Text

∘◦ ♥ ◦∘ Peter Parker - Everything Happens for a Reason ∘◦ ♥ ◦∘

A/N - I only wrote it a couple of months ago and due to the close nature of it, I haven’t uploaded it anywhere. I hope you like my first (10k) Peter Parker fic. I know that the timeline doesn’t make sense, but in all honesty, Endgame and FFH messed it up plenty so I just kinda placed this in no-mans-time. And I know the compound was destroyed during Endgame, so just bear with the fact that I’ve made it so that Strange and his wizards rebuilt it for survivors :)

Warnings - making out and shadows to sex, SWEARING, bad parenting, mentions of grief, mentions of injury and disability, angst, death of parents etc. Also, don’t read if you haven’t seen endgame because it’ll be spoiled in the first paragraph of this.

Summary - Stark!reader x Peter Parker, post endgame. Months after the death of your father, your aunt, and the retirement of your uncle, you find yourself in a sticky situation, and to make it even worse, your childhood crush doesn’t even recognise you now. Then again, doing most of your growing up while half of the population is dead doesn’t exactly bode well for your love life nor your commitment issues. When things finally start to turn around while learning to live with a disability, will you still be taken away to live with your step-mother, or will love pan out at last? After all, everything happens for a reason.

IT'S BEEN JUST OVER THREE MONTHS since the final battle, and therefore just over three months since you said goodbye to the only three role models you had for the most important five years of your life. Well, the three are debatable.

Your dad had died, still holding your hand, after saving humanity like he always did, allowing the burden of the Stark name to fall onto you at long last. Your uncle Steve - tutor extraordinaire - had officially retired and moved away, and you haven’t seen him since the final goodbye, leaving you more and more doubtful every day you’ll ever see him again. And your aunty Nat let herself go, she pushed herself away from that cliff, and let uncle Clint live, to help give you a better life, but what Nat didn’t realise was that you lost them both that day, because Clint hasn’t been back since. He’s never coming back now from the trauma, the man who was more of a father than your dad ever was.

It was quite possibly the worst period of your whole life, but then again, when half of the world is destroyed before you’ve even hit puberty, you don’t really have much to hold it against.

But here you are again, stuck in your room in the semi-rebuilt compound, grounded by FRIDAY while the step monster and child are at the lake house, living happily ever after. What the issue is, you don’t know. All you did was get a piercing... and be rude to Peter. And Sam. And everyone in the building- ok maybe she has a point, but hey, you’re grieving the loss of everyone major in your life, and you can barely do anything for yourself.

It’s like five years ago all over again. Everyone you’d grown accustomed to, your friends, your mom, your idols - even if they weren’t dead, they were lost for a long time - and your crush. The one and only Peter Parker. Much to your surprise, you got over most of the deaths pretty quickly. There wasn’t much to understand - they were gone and they wouldn’t come back no matter what, so what good would worrying and crying do? Obviously, as a young girl, this was the wrong response, so this is when Pepper got her name. “Don’t be so insensitive! Those were your dad's best friends, people he worked with for years. Those people were his family, and mine, and yours.”

You scoffed at her, the way you always seemed to do. “Yeah, ok. But my mum died, and am I making a fuss? No. She died for a reason, they all did,” and under your breath, you added “I still just need to figure that reason out.”

You held back from the obvious “they were my family too” bullshit, because your dad never believed that, even when you spent most of your time at his house with the Avengers instead of him. It wasn’t that you hated your mom or your dad, you loved them both equally and spent time with them both, but when one dies and one goes missing and spirals into lord knows what after going missing in space with a blue alienoid, everything gets a little complicated and stops making sense. Spending more time with your dad was scary too, seeing the intricacies of Avengers life in a capacity which you didn’t understand for a long time growing up. That only lasted for a year before he took off and made you be a tennis ball in a flawed game between him and Rhodey. Every weekend for five years you drove from the compound to the lake house. You lost out on a lot from that, and your dad didn’t even seem phased, because he had Morgan.

But beneath all of the hatred that had made you so rebellious since you turned fifteen, there was something deeper.

Considering how stone faced and resolute you are and always have been, considering how harsh you are about the realities and never getting caught up in mindless emotions, no matter how much you claim that your grieving time was over the second that you pushed your dad's heart away, mere weeks after feeling his pulse drop as you laced your fingers with his, no one would believe that it was all a lie.

Every night since that snap more than five years ago, you’ve done the same thing. Make a cup of hot chocolate (an iced decaf latte if it was summer), and you’d take it to bed and just cry until you could no more and simply fell asleep. You weren’t even sure why you cried, because after all there wasn’t really any reason to. The world was moving on, albeit slower than before, and your life was about as much locked into place as it could be with Tony Stark as your father, but the crying just felt obligatory. After ten, FRIDAY always turned off in your room, that was the agreement your mom had with your dad whenever you stayed there, although you weren’t sure why it made a difference, and it just stuck, so no one saw the pointless tears, no one heard, and no one cared. The only one who ever did care enough whenever you cried had been snapped away, and now he was back, you were just another repugnant face in the crowds, or so you’d guess with the way he looked down upon you.

“It’s ok dad,” you said with a completely straight face, your hard eyes locked onto his, your entire being completely void of emotion, “you can go to sleep.”

He squeezed your hand with his forefinger and middle finger, very lightly, and he just croaked out his final words to you, “my beautiful Sloane, so brave.” So quiet that they were only decipherable to you.

“Life functions critical,” the Irish accent rang in your ears.

Pete had already said his goodbyes, but now it was Pepper’s turn as she wiped your dad's tears away. This time you should’ve been there for each other, a support for one another, after all, they were losing him together and were in the same boat, but sometimes even grief can’t bring people together.

“Tony, look at me. We’re going to be ok..” she pleaded.

Your dad's eyes moved from yours to hers, a sluggish movement that took the remaining life from him. He moved his lips to form two words that broke your heart, because you knew that they were directed at all of you, and they meant so much more than anyone else could understand. Those words were his attempt at making up for being such a shit dad. ‘I’m sorry.’

Pepper kissed him. “You can rest now.”

You didn’t even look around to see anyone else’s face , especially not Peters or Peppers, because as soon as his pulse stopped and his skin slipped from your grip, his body cold, you knew that the chapter of your life with your father in it was over, so you pulled your mask back over your face, and strutted away, as far as possible. You ignored your limp completely, because with all of the numbness, it was like you couldn’t even feel the pain. Except you didn’t disappear, no way, you couldn’t. You watched as they all knelt for him, for the man who missed all of your firsts in life, who was absent when you needed a father and a friend and a leader, and even though you were chronically broken within, every terrible emotion gnawing at you, screaming at you to just feel something and express it; you didn’t. You suppressed it all, and walked away. And of no surprise to you at all, no one followed, or even noticed you were gone.

After all, Tony Stark died for a reason, and at least this time you knew what that reason was.

“Miss?” Someone’s snapping their fingers beside your ear, driving you mental but also snapping you awake from whatever dream that was, reliving the scariest day of your life. “Miss, you fell asleep at the table. We’re clearing it for dinner, please.”

You roll your eyes up at him, instantly recognising Pete’s voice, but you just don’t care. He doesn’t even know who you are. So you scoff, the way you did at Pepper so long ago, and you leave without a second glance.

“Are you a relative of Nat’s? I- I heard someone was coming over to stay...” his voice yells down the corridor.

“You can’t be serious Peter. You don’t recognise me at all?”

And with that, you snatch your water bottle from the edge of the counter with your spare hand and resolutely stamp off down the corridor, your feet loosely wading in your docs with your crutch assisting you along the way.

You’re leaving soon, so you won’t have to deal with him. But you still have another year or two of high school to compete with, and with your tutor gone - your dad refused to send you back to school after the snap, so it was left up to whoever wanted the job, and Cap wanted it a lot more than he did, so you spent your weeks driving from the city to the lake house after finishing the weeks tutoring, to spend time with your ‘family’ - and now, you seriously doubted that anyone else would want the job. Bucky is too hormonal and grieving the loss of his best friend, Banner is freaking you out, Clint is off the grid from another breakdown and it’s like he’s not even human anymore, Wilson is too busy with his new training regime and fighting Buck, and Scott doesn’t know the first thing about what you need to learn thanks to his ditsy persona. Which only leaves Pepper and Rhodey, and which forces you to go back and live in the lake house, away from the shambles of the rebuilt compound, all thanks to Strange and his wizards.

Maybe this is what you need, because now you don’t have to see Pete and get offended every single time he forgets your name and doesn’t have a clue who you are.

That night, you skipped your crying routine, and felt no better nor worse off for doing so. You simply dosed up on your painkillers and drifted off to sleep, filled with irritation and dreams of a mousey hero.

For the next couple of days, you’d just gone about your business and avoided the funny looks from all of the other Avengers at your foul demeanour. None of them that were in and out of the rebuilt compound ever really took notice of you anymore, and you weren’t sure that any of them recognised you anymore, not with all of the piercings and hair dye and the crutches. After all, the last time most of them knew you, you were an annoying child who watched them work and ate dinners with them, and your dinners consisted of smiley face waffles and chicken nuggets. And besides, you were perfectly able back then, and you often had little friends over, or your mom would pop in to say hi on your way home. There’s no chance of that happening anymore. Bucky had recognised you, smiled at you, and occasionally made jokes about you being crippled together, so with any issues you could just turn to him, but this Peter thing annoyed you too much to talk about it, and you didn’t know why.

Speak of the devil-

“Hey, can I sit?” He asks, standing just behind the sofa and hovering awkwardly.

“I don’t care,” you say, all of your words merging and slurring. You signal to the seat beside you yet far enough away for him not to be a bother, and he takes it.

“So h-how are you?”

You watch him suspiciously out of the corner of your eye, because you can just feel his eyes on you, namely on your tits that had suddenly appeared in the last few years.

“I’m fine thank you, Peter. It’s not like no one knows who the fuck I am and I’m living in a literal post war, dystopian, apocalyptic world all alone. How are you, Spider-Man?”

He blanches before your eyes, and you can physically see any words die in the back of his throat.

“I-I’m good.”

Everything stills for a little while, and the only sounds are what's playing on TV and Peter’s occasional swallows, making his Adams apple Bob in your peripheral view. He doesn’t dare look at you, and you can just sense his agitation, mainly from the way he fidgets and weighs the sofa cushions down weirdly with his weird spider legs.

It only takes half an hour for you to wear down and ask him the burning question, his presence beside you enough to make your skin tingle in anticipation and anger bubble within, not to mention the girlish sense that overwhelms you, so contrasting to your dark clothes and self-given bridge piercing.

“Why don’t you speak to me anymore, Peter? Do you seriously not recognise me?”

His eyes fall and his face turns sallow, and he stammers over a few consonants, unable to form any real words.

“I’m Tony’s daughter.” You announce, facing him head on. “Y/N Stark.”

Only after you’ve said that do you realise that he’ll have absolutely no clue what you’re saying, but you can see the cogs whirring in his head as everything is pieced together. His eyes lock onto yours, and they’re the one feature you haven’t changed about yourself in the years that he was gone.

“I changed my name last year, I used to be-”

“-Sloane Stark.” he finishes with you.

He doesn’t take his eyes off yours, too lost in them after he’s been without them for so long. Something’s clicked inside, but scepticism overtakes him. You grasp your hair into a makeshift ponytail at the base of your neck, all the loose ringlets in different shades tickling your neck, but it reveals a thin, pale, bumpy scar on your skin; a thin and jagged line that runs from the base of your ear to the start of your clavicle. You’ve had it since you were 11, when Peter first became a regular at the compound and you began to play together, but then an accident happened, and Peter stayed by your side as you got the stitches, holding your hand.

Finally, he cottons on, and you can see the tears welling up in his chocolate brown orbs.

“Sloane…”

He virtually leaps from his seat and throws his arms around you, completely overcome with all kinds of inexplicable feelings. Love seeps from his body into yours, he clings to you, and even buries his nose into your hair, taking a deep inhalation before sighing in contentment. Even when the average hug time has passed, he doesn’t release you, and keeps his arms wrapped like a koala around your shoulders, his body slowly getting closer and closer towards you and for some reason making you blush. Your arms remain limp around him, and your forefinger traces figures on his lower back, but you don’t squeeze him as much as you did when the surprise of his cuddle attack first hit you.

He eases himself away, but still keeps his hand on your arm, a gentle and warm presence.

It doesn’t hit you for a while that it’s the first hug you’ve received in months, and the first one from Peter in five and a half years.

“I’m guessing that you didn’t snap away like the rest of us then…?” he asks shyly.

His spare hand immediately retracts and rubs the back of his neck anxiously, just the way he used to, but only now do you understand why.

“Nah, I didn’t,” you say, “Sadly I was stuck here in this shambles of an earth, dealing with everyone else's depression and having a little sister forced upon me. I couldn’t even go to school, it was awful.”

His face falls into a deep frown and he searches your face for any sign of your words being cynical, but he finds nothing.

“W-why did you change your name then?”

You shrug, for what feels like the hundredth time in his presence, “Sloane is an awful name, it means ‘raider’ in bloody Irish. None of my family is Irish, my dad suggested the name when he was drunk, and my mum couldn’t think of anything better. Y/N makes me feel like me.”

He nods understandingly and doesn’t push the matter, so you offer a half smile and move your attention back to the TV.

“Why did you change you?” he asks all of a sudden.

The question instantly ingrains itself into your brain, and makes your heart ache. Why would he ask such a thing? Doesn’t he understand what's happened? Why does he even care? But the last thought makes you sick to your stomach, because you know that he always has cared and he always will, he promised you that the first time he was babysitting you and you got all het up over something on the TV. Maybe a part of him knew that it was you all along but he just couldn’t broach the subject, or maybe he didn’t and he thought you’d been snapped away and you simply hadn’t returned. No matter what it was,you knew that you couldn’t blame him, but as his question bounced around your brain and repeated, you had no idea what happened, but you felt any compassion shrivel up, your heart grew cold, your demeanour turned harsh, and your kind response died in your throat. You look him dead in the face and straighten yourself up, your eyes devoid of all feeling.

“My mom died, all of my idols and my family and school friends died - Scott, Buck, Sam, you - and my dad was never the same again. I was left with him and the step monster who, who for the record doesn't even like me because of my mom, and Morgan came along, so they forgot about me, and I only stayed three days a week because the rest of the time I was stuck here with a depressed Nat and counsellor Steve, and the latter had to teach me everything I needed for the finish of middle school and my freshman and sophomore years, which was hard in itself. Dad was so depressed, he wouldn’t listen to the words I said about the other Avengers, so apart from Steve tutoring me, I basically raised myself for two years, without friends or anything, and they were two of the most important years of my life . Everyone forgot about me. I was just turned fifteen and more adept at coping in this world than any adult I’ve known. I hated my name and what came with it, and I never really liked myself, that's always been the case. I hated my appearance and I had no one to make me feel nice when you died, because you always told me that I was pretty, just like a princess, and you kept me sane. Fuck, Pete, you held me together, and all of that faded when you died, because as soon as you were gone, everything else around me crumbled.” You inhale a sharp intake of breath, and move to stand, snatching your crutches from the floor. “Long story short, while all of you were gone, I grew up. I’m 17 now, I may be different to how you remember but at least I feel comfortable now. I really did grow up peter, and you need to start doing the same. My dad is never coming back.”

And just like the days before, you scurry off back to your room and bury any inhibitions beneath your pillow, leaving Peter in the living room, completely crushed and left to mull your words over alone while he waits for May to get home.

Five days later, and you can’t take the silence anymore. Peter practically hides and runs for shelter each time he hears you approach, you saw the footage on FRIDAY’s cams. It really upset you for the first two days, but with each shy, rushed smile and fleeting glance he takes at you, each one that makes your stomach do little flips, they just remind you how cruel you were to him, how brutally honest, when Peter needs more time to heal than you do most likely, as your dad meant more to Pete than he did to you, and if anything then that's a reflection on Tony. He wanted a son. Maybe Peter feels guilty, mabe he’s sad, maybe he just straight up doesn’t like you, but whatever it is, you don’t fucking like it, so you’re preparing for the move in two days time. Far earlier than planned.

With each piece of clothing you fold, with each piece of metal shrapnel you toss into your jewellery box, with each eyeliner you tuck away in a bag, you run everything that's happened in the past week through your head. You called Scott up to see how he’s getting on with Hope and Cassie, you spoke to Laura - no longer a secret - who just told you that Barton is in almost as bad a place as before, just without the machetes and with a lot more crying and whiskey, you spoke to Rhodey for an update on the lake house/new home situation and put all of the plans in place, but you did shut down his heartfelt offer to be another father figure, starting with a controversial suggestion to send you to therapy or rehab for your ‘lashing outs’, and you’d made amends with Sam who was surprisingly okay with your whole new thing going on, and he said he loved your vibe and gave hair dye suggestions, making you rethink your decision to leave all over again. Bucky had taken you shopping, hoping for retail to cure both of your depressive episodes, but it didn't really help even if the long, deep conversation over milkshakes at a nearby diner did help, and he cradled your head in his lap as you told him you’d miss him more than the others. He told you that you were being stupid about Peter and that the kid really likes you, but you retorted with a scoff, saying he’d never fancy you the way you fancy him.

Ah, yeah, that revelation, the one which makes you throw a sweater full force into your open trunk, sitting at the base of your bed. With a loud groan, you throw yourself dramatically down onto the bed and savour the soft comforter for one of the last times; after all, the place will probably be gone, along with the remnants of FRIDAY by the time you return, if you ever go.

“Where are you off to?” Peter asks from the doorway, his voice inquisitive and startling you from your angered daze.

He must’ve seen your bags half packed in your room, lying out on your bed beside you. You turn your head to look at him, your eyes thin and bullet-like.

“I’m leaving.” You snap rather viciously, and prop yourself up on your elbows. “The Cap’n has gone, and I’ve been out of school too long to go back. The Step-Monster needs to ‘tutor me’, and I need to teach the little brat.” You’re referring to Morgan, but Peter doesn’t seem to pick that up by the looks of his furrowed brows. He certainly looks relaxed though, leaning against your doorframe.

“Why can’t you stay here?” Peter asks and You shrug, unsure how to respond. “I- I’m sure Mr Falcon would help teach you, or- or Wanda?”

Shit, Wanda. You’d practically forgotten she existed from how much of a recluse she was now. You should probably go and check on her or at the very least have a chat with her. She was dead for five years, just like Vis, but when she comes back she’s still not over him after months? Sounds fake but ok...

“Wanda has even less of an education than I do.” You retaliate with a foul attitude and an even fouler taste in your mouth, turning your back on him when you stand, and going back to your packing. You try your best to ignore his presence, but you can just feel him hovering metres away, itching to do or say something to you.

“Well then you can stay living here and enrol in Midtown High with me. We’d be the same year now and I could show you the ropes.”

Ok now you know he’s fucking with you.

“Peter, I can’t go to midtown.”

“Why not?”

“I’ve been out of co-ed for too long, let alone education, as I haven’t had any since like fucking February, and I’m too traumatised and crippled for them. How would that look eh? Y/N Stark enrolling for junior year after the death of The Tony Stark?” Peter goes quiet. “And anyway, it’s not like I have the brains, at all. I’m not smart like you, Peter. I’m as thick as two short planks. I got my mom’s brains and some of my dad's abilities. I can chuck on suits all I like, I can build shit all day, and I can play sports like no one's business; or at least I could.” Having your one ankle completely useless is a complete bummer, maybe even more so than losing everyone, because now you actually have to live with being this way. They don’t have to live. “But the second you give me a math equation, I’m gone.”

“Couldn’t you live with your mom then? Mr Stark said she doesn’t live too far out of state, nowhere near as far as the lake house.”

“My dads fucking dead Peter, he doesn’t control shit anymore” You find yourself shouting, your eyes burning into his with a fire of fury behind them. “My mom came back after the snap but she hasn’t answered any of my calls, and she fled the house when I turned up on her goddamn doorstep. She ain’t no option anymore, my authority is Potts.”

He gives you a sad smile but slinks away. No surprise there, last time he saw you, you were twelve years old and tugging on his trouser leg to get him to play basketball with you. You didn’t have anywhere near this level of anger, and you’d never have dared scream at him, let alone repeating the words that hit him like daggers mere days ago.

The next day comes too soon, and you’re just chilling , finishing up the last of your packing, and trying to ignore anything pushing you to stay. Why did your chat with Peter compel you to want to stay here instead? What is it about him that always brings you full circle, and makes you feel like that love struck child again?

From your mirror, as you’re adjusting your blouse and switching out your nose stud, you see Peter approaching, steadily advancing down the corridor. Twice he stops, and takes a step back, as well as turning and looking the other way as though doubting his decision to come into your room, but when you see his knuckles come in contact with the wood of your door, as he knocks gently, and the sound floats into your ears, making you turn around to see his meek smile with his head hung low.

“You can come in Pete,” you exhale, “I won’t bite your head off.”

He chuckles lowly and advances towards the bed. He gestures, and you nod, giving him permission and hobbling over to join him moments later. He seems flustered, you can tell me by the way he’s struggling to maintain eye contact and the manner in which his hands are convulsing in his lap. Seeing him like this makes you uncomfortable, and you can even feel bile rising in your throat.

“Peter, I-”

“No, Y/N, please let me, I mean, I wanna talk.”

You smile and bow out, allowing him space to align his thoughts with his words, after all, you’ve known that it takes him a while to do that, but it’s necessary in any kind of emotional situation with someone as awkward as Petter; just the thought causes butterflies to flutter around in your stomach and windpipe.

“I’m sorry for yesterday, for nagging you and insisting, and for asking you those questions and trying to make you stay. I just, I really just don’t want you to leave. I was insensitive, and I should’ve recognised you beforehand.” You can feel tears pooling behind your eyes, and it takes all of your willpower to not let them fall. “I just want you to do as well as you can, and I wish you all the best, I just wish I could’ve gotten to know you better before it was too late; ok Stark?”

His lips quirk into a smile, yet his voice breaks as he calls you Stark. It physically hurts to hear him say that, and you want to tell him that it’s okay, and he has every right to be upset and grieving, and you know you shouldn’t have shouted at him and gotten so defensive because after all he’s one of the only people you can let your guard down around. You just want to say that it’s not his fault, except you can’t find the words.

“Why can’t you stay?” He asks sincerely, even a touch of desperation there.

Your heart drops to your feet at his expression, and your next words come out as a hushed, pained whisper, your words slow and detached. “I have no reason to stay.”

He nods dejectedly, almost like he’s giving up on something, and he even moves to stand up while your eyes are glued to the way his muscles ripple with each movement, but halfway to being upright, he changes his mind and turns towards you.

The next thing you know, you feel the soft pressure of his thumb on your chin, followed by the pads of his fingers on the soft skin underneath, tilting your head up to look him in his gorgeous eyes, like molten honey in the soft sunlight of your bedroom. Just the sight of his lips slightly parted causes your mouth to go dry, but you don’t have too long to think about that, because all of your thoughts dissipate with the featherlight pressure and sweet, intoxicating taste of his lips on yours. His nose nudges your cheek ever so gently. It’s barely there, and over far too soon, it still makes your head spin. Christ, you’ve been waiting for that to happen for upwards of five years, and it was just as beautiful as you hoped it would be.

“How about now?” He inquires, a stark contrast of shyness and courage written all over his face.

“Why don’t you kiss me again and we’ll find out?”

You fist the fabric of his t-shirt and pull him towards you, leaving Peter shocked by the strength in just one hand, seeing as he finds his body hovering above yours just seconds later. He looks hungry, already ravishing you with his eyes as you kiss and kitten lick just below his ear. He holds his weight up but leaves no time to press his lips against yours, urgently, passionately. You moan a little at how desperate he is to get his hands on you, the way he knots one hand in your hair, splayed out on the pillow beside you, the way he’s senselessly grinding his crotch onto you. You don’t mind at all, especially not the breathy calls of your name he lets out when you knot your legs around his lower back to pull him closer. It's a primal desire that keeps you moving. His tongue glides across your lower lip, prying its way in, and you just let it happen, too caught up in the moment to do anything else.

“Pete, fuck…”

Your one hand slides under his shirt and runs across the ripples of his abs, you savour the way he tenses beneath your touch, the way the scars feel tenders beneath your hungry touch. You other hand threads into his soft brown locks. You pull gently and elicit the most perfect guttural groan from him.

“Y/N,” he almost pleads, and his lips move to gently suck on your jawline.

You’re surprised that he isn't calling you Sloane, but you certainly aren't complaining. Your name from his tongue does things to you that you can’t even explain.

You dance your fingers from his hair across to his face, and push his cheek gently. Your eyes are thin, focussed on him, but Peter’s pupils are heavily blown with lust, leaving only a faint rim of golden brown around the edge.

“You’re so perfect,” he rasps out, and your stomach coils in desire. Your face must look so pouty, so wanton, but you can’t find it within yourself to care.

“Fuck me, Peter.”

He looks like a deer in headlights momentarily, but gets over it quickly, attaching his lips back on yours and allowing his tongue to roam your mouth, savuring and swallowing every whimper and moan that escapes your pretty lips.You let your hand, the one still beneath his shirt, skim over his muscles to where his heart is, beating at a double pace, thrumming gently beneath your hand. It makes your ego inflate tenfold, knowing that you’ve gotten this flustered and needy.

Just as you’re really getting lost in the pleasure, Peter’s hand cupping and massaging your breast as his mouth works wonders on intoxicating you, you hear a rather loud cough from your doorway, and everything stops. You and Peter both freeze at the same moment, and you drop any stance, fully detaching yourselves to glance at who’s there.

“You kids should be careful, and next time, close the door.”

And with that, Bucky’s gone from view as quickly as he appeared, leaving you both with a mere glimpse at him in his sweats with a coffee cup in his hands, no doubt filled with earl grey tea being the old lady he is.

In the heat of the moment, you’d both forgotten to close the door and turn FRIDAY off. And Rhodey can access all of the footage. Fuck. Oh well, you’ve already been caught once, why stop now?

You wrap an arm around Peter's shoulders and pull yourself up until you’re straddling his lap and upper thighs, eagerly rubbing yourself against the material of his jeans to try and get some kind of friction. He slides an arm around your waist, and you move in to kiss him, only for him to turn his head the other way.

The moment couldn’t have been lost from Bucky’s playfully snarky comment, could it? You want nothing more than for him to kiss you again, earnestly, fervently, but he doesn’t even spare you a glance, not even when he pushes you from his lip and stands up with his head in his hands.

Apparently he doesn’t feel the same.

“Crap, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have done that. Why did I do that? Y/N…”

He even begins to pace, that’s when you know that he thinks he’s fucked up.

“You know why I shouldn’t have done that right, don’t you?” he asks, stuttering random syllables in no specific order, but you do notice that with each pace, he paces his way closer to your open door.

“Yeah,” you lie, but you’ll work that out tonight, “I get it. But it’s fine. And I need to pack…”

He smiles nervously, and with a few careless gestures and no words, he stalks into the corridor and closes your door behind him. You can hear him lettering a long-held breath out.

All of a sudden, you feel completely sick to your stomach. Why would he do that? It was so God damn cryptic. One second he’s apologising, asking you to stay, pashing you senseless, and the next he’s keeping as much distance from you as possible, apologising, and treating you like a child.

That’s when it hits you.

He feels like he’s kissing the old you. You grew up without him there, and in the space of what was merely a nap to him, you grew five years older, grew tits, matured, changed every aspect about yourself, and developed a sex drive; whereas he didn’t change one bit, he’s still the same peter that he was when you were an aggravating child, crushing on him from afar and trying to be like him. He feels predatory at kissing you, because all he’s ever known you as is a child, and this is all new territory, a territory he’s too scared to broach because he can’t get permission from the man himself.

Maybe that’s why your dad had to die, so that you’d never end up with Peter, and that’s Earth punishing you for some godforsaken reason.

So you just lie there, far salty tears involuntarily dripping down your cheeks as you sit there and think. Will you ever just be fucking happy?

Happy’s set to pick you up at noon today, and after a night of scarcely five hours of sleep, you are not in the mood for anyone and their funny business, especially not Peter, and you aren’t exactly peppy for the hour long drive to arrive there with the Bimbo and the Brat. Well, at least everyone has low expectations of you, so it shouldn’t be that much of an issue when you simply scowl at them and flip them off until you chuck yourself into the car and wave them goodbye for the last time. You’re not sure if the gravity of the situation has hit you yet, maybe you’re repressing it, or maybe it simply just does not bother you, the same way that most things don’t.

You don’t even bother with your appearance, and stick to black trackies and a cropped tank top, with a mildly colourful button-down open over the top. Seeing as your docs are packed in the ‘hide from Pepper’ box, you toss on your worn down black converse and begrudgingly throw your hair up in what you hoped would be a messy bun but ends up looking more like a lopsided half-up ponytail, so you snap the hair tie and throw it away. Hey, that’s an easy way to deal with the Peter issue. Snap him in half and chuck him in the trash where he rightfully belongs after yesterday.

All you have for breakfast is an iced coffee, and justly so, no one dares even make eye contact with you. By ten, all of your bags are out in the hallway, and not a single personal affect is left in your room. You say a quick goodbye to FRIDAY, and hobble out into the living room, where you spend the next almost two hours either staring blankly ahead of you and ignoring what’s on the screen, or picking at your crutches while you analyse the previous day with Peter. No matter how much you want to hate him, you can't refute the way he made you feel, completely under his control, so willing and malleable, so eager and hungry and loved.

Happy pulls up at 11.55, and you begin to help him load everything into the car, but get refused after two bags and therefore two trips downstairs after you nearly fall face first and your crutches slip from your arms. The rest is down within seconds by Sam and Bucky.

You said goodbye to Wanda a couple of days ago when you popped in for a chat, but she’d still made her way out here, so you give her a quick hug and wish her well, and you see that May has made her way out to see you off, but Peter is nowhere to be found which makes your cheeks burn with anger.

“I’m so sorry for now knowing who you were my love,” she tells you, running a hand through your hair, “Peter told me all about you before it all happened, he said you were such a cutie, and I know that he would’ve made more of an effort had he recognised you.”

You chuckle softly, hug her, and simply don’t reply. What are you supposed to say to something like that? Bucky and Sam appear back at the top of the stairs and advance towards you, knocking each other out of the way in a playful battle to hug you first. Sam wins by tickling Bucky just beneath his ribs, and bear hugs you, making you feel like a baby koala.

“Use protection next time, and please, God, shut the door.” He whispers in your ear, making you jump away, your jaw slack, utterly aghast, but he just laughs at your expense.

“You told him about that?” you accuse Bucky, shoving a finger at his chest.

He raises his hands in surrender and even lets out a chuckle before cuddling you, his metal arm somehow a comforting presence around you.

“Of course I did, Doll. It was too good not to tell.”

You swat him gently on his chest, but instead of pulling away just yet, you bury your face in his t-shirt for possibly the last time.

“You two kids get along, or I might have to come here and whip your asses.” you glance between Bucky and Sam, making them laugh, but they nod nonetheless and step backwards to join May, allowing you to leave. You grasp your crutches and let your arms fall through the rests, your hands slipping around the handles like second nature, and you start to make your way out. Something that resembles hope begins to blossom in your stomach, so you muster all of your courage and take a fleeting glimpse over your shoulder, but much to your disappointment yet not very much surprise, he isn’t there. You feel something within your chest physically break, and with the pain all over your body, emotional above all else, stemming from betrayal, you wouldn’t be surprised if it isn’t your heart strings. Oh well, you tell yourself, and in recovery from bowing your head down in embarrassment, you hold your shoulders high with any remaining pride as you take the few steps to the door, ignoring the tears that begin to fall. Your tears are possibly the most confusing thing about this ordeal, you never cried before, not from emotion at least.

“Stop- Y/N, wait, please Sloane…” you hear breathless shouts, followed by hurried footsteps on the linoleum. Instantly, you recognise his voice. “Please stop, I’m begging you.”

You halt your steps, and prop your crutches against the wall, but are slow to turn around, and even when you do, it takes you a moment to actually meet his gaze. His eyes hold all of the hurt he’s feeling. He hardly slept, you can tell by the red rims and deep, sallow bags. The warm chocolate colour is slightly murky, something of an anger in them, maybe even a sense of loss.

You can’t track anything more, because you take one step forwards, and he begins to virtually sprint towards you, his hair bouncing as he dashes across the floor and entwines his arms around you like vines, relentlessly squeezing you and ceasing to let go. He simply just stands there, glued to the spot, holding onto you, and once more you feel the tears well in your eyes. You’ve never been hugged this way, not by anyone, so you make the most of it and gently grasp his t-shirt to draw him impossibly closer, his scent enveloping you in a blanket of warmth and adoration. He moves one hand up to knot in your matted hair, and buries your head closer into his shoulder, which you welcome, even if you’re wetting the shoulder of his shirt with your tears. You lose count of the time until you let go, just savouring the way he holds you so lovingly, and you don’t particularly ever want to let go. All of the rest of the world has disappeared. But still, you both detach yourselves just a little, and you find your lips mere inches away from his perfect lips. Without another thought, something otherworldly takes over, and you find your lips planted together in the most intimate way possible. The tip of his tongue barely has to swipe your lower lip before you grant him access, and as you do, your mind and soul proclaim thanks to the gods. He tastes like heaven and cherry pie - his favourite - and he feels even better. The way his tongue dances with yours is like a massage, second nature, and God, you never want it to stop with how crazy he’s making your mind go, let alone the flock of butterflies fluttering around your stomach. His one hand shifts to the small or your back, and you find yourself wrapping your arms even tighter around Peter until your hands touch, and you have him held in place, in the most perfect position, the one where you know he belongs.

You separate, gasping for air and gulping as much down as you can in such a short amount of time before his hands are in your hair again and he’s kissing you just as sweetly, yet hotly, as before. The sensual way he gazes at you makes your insides turn to mush in seconds, and you have to look away even before he kisses you again because you fear you shan’t be able to keep his gaze if you ever want to leave this place with your heart intact. This kiss isn’t as long, you realise that as your hands drop to his waist and stay there lightly, feeling the skin above his hips rippling beneath his tensing muscles. His body shifts, as does his grip on you, and he starts to pepper kisses on your lips and cheeks, just small, precious pecks that keep your heart beating with joy and longing. Just the feeling of his lips kissing away your tears as he hovers above you makes you feel alive at long last, and he makes you feel more cherished than you ever imagined you could.

“You need to go, Happy’ll start honking for you any second.” he breathes, the softness of his breath running your eyelashes and allowing your eyes to flutter clothes, his freckles disappearing from your view for a second. Then, as if on cue, Happy's horn resounds. “I’ll walk you down.”

He looks so crestfallen as he pulls away from your and passes you your crutches, keeping a safe distance. And although you both know that everyone saw, it doesn’t matter, and no one says a word, they all just observe quietly, but you can tell that they’re smiling down on you both. You can still taste your salty tears mingled together pressing on your lips, the taste of just indescribably, distinctly Peter stuck in your mouth, a taste you never want to stop tasting.

When Peter crushes, you oblige and scramble onto his back as he carries your crutches, and the walk down the stairwell to where Happy’s parked on the sidewalk is a silent one, but it’s still comfortable. There are so many things the two of you want to say to each other, but it’s too hard to express them given that you’re about to be shipped off somewhere that he’ll probably never make your acquaintance again, no matter how much he wants to spend all of his time with you. You’re more conflicted than you’ve ever felt, so stressed, so hurt, but at the same time you’re so happy that you got to make those memories with Peter before you leave, elated that you made up with him, pleased that you got to feel him kiss you one last time.

When you reach the concrete, Peter gently places you down on your feet, and he puts your crutches into the open door at the back of the car and proceeds to stand nervously beside you, his hands behind his back as he rocks back and forth on the balls of his feet. You have your head down, anxious beyond comparison, just staring at the gravel, until one of Peter's hands comes out from where it was and takes your trembling hand into his palm, his fingers slowly tangling around yours and giving you a gentle squeeze. He switches his gaze over to you and catches your eye. He smiles briefly before bringing your knuckles up to his lips.

“I’ve fancied you since I was eleven,” you tell him, “That’s almost six years, that’s a long ass time.” a brief hint of humour creeps into your pained, quiet voice.

He just chuckles and rubs his thumb over your knuckles, making you smile, despite the pain of the situation. He speaks to you real soft. “I know.”

Your hand feels like it was meant to fit in his and sends a new sort of warmth shooting through your body, but it doesn’t last long before he’s helping you into the backseat of the car and reluctantly removing his nimble fingers from their grip around yours, and placing a gentle, chaste kiss to your forehead for good measure, a kiss you’ll always treasure.

“Don’t,” you plead, feeling a sob suddenly choke your throat when all that’s left are his fingertips grazing yours. “Don’t let go, Peter, please.”

It’s difficult to remain stoic around Peter now, it’s like everything just completely pivoted the day he kissed you, and if you’re honest, you don’t want to go back. You don’t want to be the hateful girl you once were, just longing for him to come back. Now he is back, you don’t have to wait anymore, and he can help you be your old self again. If only he’d just hold your hand forever, and you could actually be together.

And then it hits you. You need Peter almost as much as you need air to breathe, and if he lets go, you’ll be lost, and it’ll feel like it did for five whole years, you’ll be lonely and isolated, and even in the few days that you’ve had him back in your life, that feeling has completely dissipated and been replaced with an albeit confused elation and a warmth of love.

“I have to,” he whispers back his eyes already red, “I have to let you go. It’s what Mr Stark would want.”

He pulls away and closes the door in one swift movement, turning his back on you. You see his mop of brunette curls slip down from view when you peer out the window, hot tears burning your cheeks. You know he’s sitting on the side, his head in his hands, but you can’t look that far, so instead you listen to the soft purr of the car as it comes to live, and you let your laboured breath steam up the glass that your hands are placed on. As you begin to pull away, your final glimpse at your old home escaping you, you see Peter waving frantically and beginning to job alongside you, only stopping once you exit the driveway. Thanks to the tinted windows, you know he can’t see you, but you see him anyway and wave back before your pain overwhelms you. That happens the second he’s gone from your peripheral vision, and your chest caves in loud, wrenching sobs that’ll leave you in pain for days.

Is this what it feels like to have your heartbroken?

Of course it is, you know this, but all of the times you’ve felt it before, it still hasn’t felt this bad. You know that it’s happening for a reason, that God is punishing you this way for a reason, but no matter how hard you try, it just seems endlessly painful, and all for nothing. What could possibly be the reason for this?

You’re so locked in your thoughts that you barely realise that Happy has slowed the car down, and is looking over his shoulder at you, trying to bring you back down by asking how you are and how you feel. Did he not just see that display?

“If I was allowed to stay,” you slightly pant, your teeth gripping and your first clenching of their own accord, “then it could’ve been me and Peter. Just the two of us, the way it was supposed to be as I was growing up. But everything happens for a fucking reason, right?”

Happy just swallows and mumbles something incoherent before sliding the glass back over and starting up at another steady speed. You don’t know why you’re so... angry all of a sudden; you shouldn’t be angry, you should be upset and almost grieving, crying for the loss of an old home but excited for a new one. But yet, what’s the point in all of that? You’ve felt those emotions plenty of times in your short life, and you always thought you felt them for a reason, but where the ever loving fuck is that reasoning right now when you actually need it?

Grieving has lost its effect on you by now, and your mind feels hostile from all of the thoughts whirring around. You’ve had the same thoughts every time someone died - every time you thought your dad died, when your mom died, when Peter died, when everyone else just turned to dust. Then you felt them all over again when your dad died, for real this time, but what was the point? Nothing good ever came of it… nothing except grieving for Peter. You felt the same way you do now, only now it's somehow worse, yet he isn’t dead. You grieved for him more than you did your own mother, because he cared, because he actually paid attention, because he told you that you were pretty for the first time in your life. He always treated you like a person, like an equal, even when you were just a clingy child, vying for someone's attention when neglected by both of your parents because they had better things to do. But even now, now he recognises you again, he’s treated you like an equal, maybe even put you on a pedestal after you were extremely terse and treated him horribly. He still kissed you and cared for you and loved you-

SHIT.

You love Peter. Surely that must’ve been obvious for a long time, but now you’re finally admitting it. You really, genuinely, wholeheartedly love the little shit. Your stomach churns with nerves, and your mind tells you that you’re insane, but your heart… your heart has known all along, despite how much you fought it, and it’s now telling you to go along with it. You’re so… overcome with emotions that you don’t even know where to start or how to react or even try to begin to suss them out to deal with them so you do what feels like second nature the past few days, and you begin to cry, unable to choke it down any longer.

“Turn back happy,” you plead, “Shit! I said turn back now Goddammit!”

“I can’t, Sloane, you know I can’t, bosses orders.”

His words just hurt you more, if that was even possible, and pile something new onto the burning pile of emotions battling for territory within your exhausted brain.

“Happy, turn back right the fuck now, or I will scream until the glass breaks.”

When he does nothing, your sobs become harsher, and something in your throat snaps, forcing you to become hysterical. It’s something primal that takes over your body, a demon's force, because God knows you wouldn’t usually have this in you. You scream. It’s just a shrill sound to begin with, until your heaving chest and tears break through, and make it into a full hysterics game.

“HAPPY! TAKE ME HOME, TAKE ME TO PETER!” you screech, and you repeat the same words until you can’t breathe any longer, but even when your lungs fail you, your hands don’t.

You clip your seatbelt undone and begin punching the glass. It starts off just to be the dark tinted window separating you from happy and the wheel that would allow you to drive home, but even though the glass begins to wobble, it isn’t enough, so you move to the windows, your knuckles and palms coming in contact with the night shaded glass again and again until they’re rattling and even beginning to crack, but the second you feel you can, you release the most bestial, guttural scream that you can muster, and punctuate it with a rough shove to Happy’s chair.

You want to stop, but with all of the loss you’ve been through, you just need this one thing, this one person, this one place to feel complete, and none of it’s happening. It’s unspeakable, indescribable the way you feel, the turf war that’s occurring all over your body driving you insane.

“Just take me to Peter,” you finally beg after what seems like an eternity, collapsing completely into your seat, “I need him, Happy. I need Peter, please… please.”

You’re drained, dehydrated, hurt, and it doesn’t seem like that’s going to change any time soon. You’re driving away from the only happiness you’ve ever known to live in the arse end of nowhere with two people you hate, and so a void just takes over everything that previously embodied you, and you succumb to the emptiness, your last thought being of all the tears you’ve cried over one boy, the only one you’ve ever loved, and now you can’t even tell him that.

It was hard to grieve for someone, only for them to come back, the same way it was hard to grieve for someone who never gave a toss about you. That's what you’re finding so hard about all of this. But now, none of that matters, because he’s gone.

Two months later

The doorbell to the house rings for the third time today, driving you utterly up the wall. First it was the postie with some kind of oversized parcel for Morgan, then it was Happy, here again to help outside and be a ‘watchful eye’ while Pepper is out grocery shopping, apparently since they still don’t trust you rough to take decent care of your own sister.

“MORGAN!” You yell from your place at the back of the house, knowing that from her spot on the sofa in front of paw patrol or whatever shit she’s watching, she’ll hear, “Get the fucking door!”

“Mummy told you not to say bad words, Y/N.” She shouts back, and you can practically hear the signature Stark smirk in her words, although it should be far too early for her to actually be making that face.

That’s one thing they got right with Morgan, though, at least she calls you by your actual name instead of fucking Sloane, even if Pepper does ‘accidentally’ slip up and call you by that awful legacy name from time to time when you really annoy her, say by breaking a vase or some china, or screaming at her using all of the profanities you can think of. She’s really regretting taking you in, now, because you’re simply that much of a handful that she had Happy and Rhodey actually build a quiet room for some respite. You’re still in the rebellious phase, and you don’t seem to be leaving it any time soon, although you have let the dye in your hair grow out and you haven't bleached it… yet, and some of your piercings have naturally closed over, although that was more so that Morgan wouldn’t continually take a metal detector to your face.

Abrupt, your thoughts escape you, and you can’t catch the thread, because after multiple attempts of Morgan’s to click open the reinforced vibranium locks on the doors (Rhodey’s suggestion), and the shifting of a stool to allow her to climb to it, you hear a shriek and some mess of words that sound like ‘Peter’. But no, that's simply impossible. You’re imagining things in your annoyed state, knowing it would’ve been a lot faster and quieter if you just made your way over there yourself.

“It’s for you!”

Now this peaks your attention. No one has been to see you in the whole time you’ve been here, nor have you ever gotten mail. No one comes to see you, so maybe your ears didn’t deceive you.

You leap up from your seat and begin charging to the door, running as quickly and carefully as you can over Morgan's toys, but you’re also careful to not aggravate your injury. One good thing that came from your time there - the only good thing - is that you were able to work with your dad's remaining technology and do intensive physio, resulting in your mobility improving tenfold, also meaning that now you can not only walk but kind of run without assistance. But that doesn’t matter as soon as you see the man standing in the doorway, a bunch of flowers in his hand, and an expression of pure delight on his puppy-like features.

“Y-you can walk?” he blubs, his cheeks red with joy.

The flowers fall from his hands onto the deck, and your eyes fill with tears as your hands fly up to your mouth, only just containing your sobs. Your whole being is overcome with happiness like you’ve never felt before, and it seems like all of your depression since you left him has melted away, and a new you is born.

“You came back for me…” you whisper, just loud enough for him to hear, and in response, he draws his lips into a tight line to contain his smile, and nods his head at you, soft brown curls falling into his soft eyes.

“Why are you sad, Y/N?” Morgan asks, and tugs at your shirt, but you don’t even realise, because the sight of Peter coming towards you is all that you can see and feel, and you begin advancing towards him too, until you collide in a heated kiss. Everything just seems like a tangle of limbs, a clash of teeth, and a battle of tongues. You’re too wrapped up in the feel of him, the passion of the moment, the intimacy of the kiss, that you don’t notice that Peter’s already got you picked up with your whole body tied around him. He tastes utterly delectable, the same as before, and his tongue feels incredible as it sweeps your mouth.

“Morgan-” you pant, “Go find Uncle Happy in the yard, now.” When she doesn’t move, you open your eyes to glare at her, stunned and traumatised into silence with her mouth slightly agape. You can’t bear detaching from Peter’s lips for even a second, so your words are all rushed. “Morgan get out now, I can see him there, in the yard, go!”

The little squirt smiles wryly up at you, but does as she’s told, and scurries off into the mass of flowers and perfectly cut grass. Seeing her gone, you let out a long held breath and smile into Peter’s passionate kiss. All of the love floods back to you, and you feel whole once again. But before you can get too caught up in the sappiness, Peter is already blindly stumbling through the house and kicking the front door closed behind him. Your fingers in his hair, you guide him to the couch.

As he kisses you so tenderly, even in the heated moment, you finally understand what everything was for. Every trial and tribulation in your life was teaching you, helping build you up for this very moment, where it all makes sense.

Everything in life has been for a reason, and that reason is this very moment. The thought makes you smile, but nowhere near as much as Peter’s own smile does.

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oquinn53 · 3 years

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BNHA THEORY RAMBLING WITH SPOILERS

Okay so second bnha rambling with theories because I can’t think straight so I think of bnha! Specifically Deku.

Specifically, Deku’s endgame. There are so many theories out there and I just.... think about Deku specifically a lot. I mean he’s the protagonist and everything and I love him and a common theory that I actually do kinda think about a lot is Deku losing OFA. But I don’t think he’ll end quirkless. I think a lot of things need to happen but let’s start with me rambling about Deku’s characterization, how it can all be wrapped up in this:

Deku has PTSD. (This part is LONG and talks about masochism and mentions suicide and all that. Other points are shorter!) And I don’t mean post war arc or even post Bakugo’s kidnapping, if we want to go that far back. Deku has PTSD from the VERY start. This kid is a walking mental illness. Sources? Hi, I’m a Civilian With PTSD and I saw Deku at the beginning and I watched Deku’s horrible mental health deteriorate EVEN MORE than it started off as. This is really important to me, to state that he has it from the beginning, because I believe in the character growth and development. I might be talking out my ass but it’s fun so. Why do I say he starts out from it? Let’s look at symptoms.

A) hyperfixation, my old friend. Deku fixated hardcore on All Might and Heros in general. But he fixated specifically on All Might and he gets EMBARRASSED about it a lot. (Funny enough, the embarrassment of it is also a symptom of ADHD but I’m not as well versed in that). Hyperfixation is a very very common coping method.

B) His anxiety. Kinda self explanatory here. He’s a bully victim. He also has been literally classified as LESS. Quirkless. But also defenseless. Useless. We’ve heard that, his anxiety is there but it’s because of what DEFINES him. His self identity was born from what everyone else tells him. He’s a determined boy, but his sense of self is only wrapped up in what other people think—or specifically, what All Might thinks. Which blends a bit with...

C) A loss sense of identity. I talked about this a little bit he last part but Deku’s goal to become a hero is so tied to All Might that even when he gains the quirk, he has to have it beaten into him with warning of losing the use f his arms for him to realize he’s NOT All Might. But that’s still what he sees, even when he switches to using his legs more. He has no idea who he is. He just copies. He copies Bakugo’s moves again and again. And while it’s cool to see all the parallels and growth of Deku learning from others, there is a message of “making it his own” when Deku copies others again and again because he has no idea who HE is. He analyses like crazy because figuring out how other people do things is the only way he can figure out how HE can do things. Also, the whole language change because his image of victory is Bakugo? Literally his speech pattern isn’t his own, his every day one matching his mother’s.

D) repressed and heavily released emotion. He’s 0 or 100, both when he gets OFA and with his emotions. I mean. Feral!Deku. Do I need to say more? Yes, because I was to drive home how not okay Deku is from the very beginning. Boy cleans the beach and screams bloody murder. He has no idea what emotion to have and needs to let it out. Doesn’t matter he just did a shit ton of physical release, he has so much emotions that he doesn’t know what to do with. Just like Bakugo’s anger, Deku’s emotion usually comes out as his tears. Boy cries a lot but sometimes tears aren’t enough and Deku screams a LOT. Even his own excitement bursts out in bigger ways, with his mumbling and fact dropping (god, also slightly autistic coded maybe? Blurred lines with ADHD there, it again, not my area of expertise)

E) black and white thinking. He’s young, so that explains some of this but just like I mentioned above with the 0 or 100, he represents the mindset of civilians. He literally blinds himself at the very start to even what’s happening to HIMSELF. He sees hero and he sees villian and those are his two categories. Bakugo literally tells him to kill himself and Deku thinks about how that would negatively affect Bakugo. He doesn’t and never does see Bakugo as a villian for this. He sees “wow that wouldn’t be good for his Hero image” and because Deku sees Bakugo as a hero, everything has to fit into that. And while Deku has huge growth with this next part, he also originally viewed villains as just villains. He learned a LOT and while the society’s image becomes less black and white for him (because the whole manga revolves around the gray morality of it all) he still doesn’t see much gray area. It’s win or lose. With the sports festival, he literally won the race without his quirk. He got through the Calvary battle despite being a giant ass target. He placed in the top 8 (which he probably would have gotten higher on if his goal didn’t change) and despite accomplishing his goal with Todoroki, he broke down about not doing what All Might asked him despite gaining permanent scarring and a hell of a warning re his arms. But to point back at the beginning, this is reinforced with his entrance exam. Passing the written exam meant NOTHING because he did “””nothing””” in the practical.

F) last point, Deku’s a masochist. Obviously with the broken bones and things but I’m not even just talking about the physical damage he does to himself—which is, what, 95% of the time what he gets most of his wounds from? Anyway—I’m talking about his mindset. Masochism isn’t just the physical act of causing pain. It’s that mindset of deserving pain. The reasoning doesn’t matter. Deku only “betters” himself for the sake of giving more to others. He trains so hard, not for himself, but for others. On the outside it might seems like his goal of becoming a hero is his own but he sacrifices his body and dives into situations where he’s literally been warned he’s going to die and he just does it anyway. Eri’s Arc and him “changing the future” is what I’m referring to here and you could say “well he DID say he would change that future!” And okay, sure, but he was told Sir is never wrong. But he would rather rush into that future where he dies than take even a moment to think through his actions. But anyway, my point is him at the beginning so I specifically mean the training montage. Where he was ALREADY on a tough schedule that he knew would be difficult and he literally adjusted it and added MORE. Because, to circle back to other points because mental illness always overlaps points, he can only think of himself as 0 or 100, black and white, Able To Save or Failure. If he can’t be at 100 then he believes he deserves pain and causes it to himself. The only time he regrets his injuries is when it prevents him from giving MORE of himself to others. He learns his shoot style not because he doesn’t want to hurt himself but because he doesn’t want to become useless to others. He trains and loses sleep and puts his body through hell because he thinks of himself only as something for others. (I think wanting to save Shigaraki is a powerful moment not because it’s Pure Boy Deku but because it’a his own thinking, his OWN want, but.... it’s still not for him and will still cause him pain). And a last point on this, Heros Rising showed us that Deku is willing to give up his quirk and his dream to win and it showed us that while he believed he didn’t have any other choice, he was deeply disappointed in himself. Winning wasn’t enough. Hurting himself THAT MUCH wasn’t enough. He let All Migjt down and giving up his dreams, almost dying, becoming quirkless, all wasn’t enough to counteract the shame he held. Like god. Baby.

Other small observations or relevant commentary:

1) The doctor who told Deku he was quirkless is the same doctor who worked on Shigaraki. Same doctor who can perseve dead bodies. Same doctor who worked with AFO and all that. (See? Short! Will be relevant soon)

2) One for All is tied to All for One. OFA was literally created the moment a hand reached out to help. Can one even exist without the other?

3) Bakugo needs to apologize. Horikoshi has literally said in an interview post Heros Rising that Bakugo needs to apologize. Sacrificing his life to save Deku is NOT how you apologize to Deku. Deku will ask for a receipt on this type of apology. Return to sender. Unacceptable. So. Bakugo needs to apologize.

4) Deku’s dad isn’t in the picture yet. Hasn’t even been spoken of except for the fact we know his quirk is fire breathing and his name is Hisashi. Oh and he’s abroad. Oh and Horikoshi said he’ll be in the picture at some point. Given we’re in the final arc......... this might not be relevant at all to my theory because I have mixed thoughts on AFO being Deku’s dad but it would connect a few things in the theory.

SO. Finally, all of this together had me thinking about Deku’s characterization and what this (now with COMBAT related ptsd and not just civilian ptsd) means for his ending.

Like I said, I think he’s going to lose OFA. And I originally didn’t think so because Heros Rising showed his losing it and why would they do that again? The movie is canon. Horikoshi himself said so and was a huge part of the production of it. So they did that and wouldn’t do it again. Except.... Deku GAVE OFA away. Which is significant because it was his choice. And he had shame and we witnessed how much that hurt him, but we haven’t seen what’s now been tried TWICE: OFA being forcibly taken from him. Maybe by Shigaraki, since that is building up big time. But maybe by saving Shigaraki.

Either way, what’s more significant to me than how he has it taken is what that means for him, based on everything else above: he would lose his entire self identity. He would literally have no idea who he is anymore except for the only reference he’s ever had, which his from when he was quirkless. He gained friends only after he had a quirk. Every bond he has is tied to him being a hero and he was told it was impossible for him to be a hero without a quirk. Even All Might’s adjusted answer to him at the beginning involved giving him a quirk as the answer for him being able to become a hero.

I think this is the absolute perfect chance for Bakugo to say “since when did you need a quirk to be a hero”. And it doesn’t matter much what the context is, what causes Deku to still need to be a hero (whether a Situation or just an identity crisis) and I think about Quirkless Deku as a hero a lot, since that’s how he was originally written in the one shot before he was revamped for bnha.

But I don’t think Deku will end quirkless either because of who his doctor was. I think Deku had a quirk. I think the doctor stole it. Whether that’s because AFO is Deku’s dad and saw his quirk and knew he had to take it for some reason or whether it was independent and the doctor saw it and took it. The whole toe thing can be written off so easily that Deku could easily have had a quirk at some point.

And maybe, if AFO and OFA are cancelled out, the quirks that were stolen go back to their original owners. Meaning Deku gets his ORIGINAL quirk back.

As in, Deku gets his own identity.

And what would that quirk be? Hm. I don’t know. But. His mom can move small objects. His dad can breath fire. A mutation, maybe? I’ll leave that one up in the air.

And there are a lot of implications here that this could mean for him, as far as healing. And I just want him to be happy.

#bnha spoilers #bnha theory #bnha ramblings #Deku #character analysis #tw masochist #Deku has ptsd and no one can convince me otherwise

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we-are-not-your-kind · 4 years

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Tonight's episode actually shattered my heart. I haven't cried this hard since Endgame....

SPOILERS

Dean saying that "Jack isn't family".... Boi do we need to have a fucking talk????

Jack's "I understand" and "You're welcome"

I was traumatized within ten minutes of this cursed episode...

Cas' immediate response when he thought Sam would kill himself... Angel you deserve the world 💙💙💙

The hallway scene

THE FUCKING HALLWAY SCENE

DEAN WHY WOULD YOU PULL A GUN ON SAM????

I was sobbing on the floor

SAM'S SPEECH TO DEAN I---

I knew it was coming but still wasn't prepared

Fucking Chuck

(but also,,,,, Amara deserved so much better)

BUT FUCKING CHUCK THO

Chuck telling TFW that their Cas was the only version in the whole multiverse who didn't follow orders. Their Cas stuck with Dean, CHOSE DEAN over Heaven, and was the only version to do so. How dare CW say that isn't love.... That's love beyond anything.

and how DARE they end the episode on my baby boi dying in TFW'S arms... tHE AUDACITY

BUT THEN!

the dam teaser for 15x18

First off Bobby's back which great whatever

Billie! We stan! But plz don't hurt my bois!

THE DESTIEL DUNGEON SCENE

I KNEW IT WAS COMING BUT SEEING THE CONFIRMATION IS NOT WHAT I NEEDED

anD THE BLOODY HANDPRINT IS GONNA KILL ME

ALSO! I feel low-key like Chuck saying what he did will probably entice Cas to finally tell Dean how he feels. I might be having wishful thinking but all the signs are there, all the dots are making the picture, and I will not accept Cas' death even if Destiel happens but!

If Destiel DOES happen but Cas gets sent to the Empty, I would much rather have that and whether it's canon or not believe that Dean follows him to get his angel back

TLDR; I'm still clowning, but not without merit

#supernatural #spn s15 #spn #destiel #dean winchester #sam winchester #castiel #casdean #cas deserves better #sobbing #clowning #jack kline #team free will #team free dads #fuck this #spn 15x17 #spn 15x18 #the empty

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mrsbarnes107 · 3 years

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Secret of the Widow

-part eight-

Summary: Post Endgame time period. The team is healing, trying to navigate this new normal they’ve found themselves in when Bucky and Sam bring home a stray with an attitude and a secret. Will the broken team take her in? Or is it too much to bare?

Warnings: language, *eventual* violence and smut, death, fluff, angst

Pairings: Bucky x OC

Disclaimer: this is posted to Wattpad as well and it WILL HAVE PLOT. I’m a Bucky hoe so there will be smut and romancy stuff but this is a series, so plot plot plot and slow burn.

*Bucky POV*

I've finally gotten away from Wilson and his incessant blabbering, and am now making my way to the training room to find Ali.

Ever since she got here, there's been this ache in the back of my mind. It feels a lot like the first time I saw Steve all those years ago. A dull tug, trying to pull something forward.

She knows me. Knows me well apparently. And I feel deep in this little dark corner of myself, that I know her too. She unsettles me immensely, the thought of her risking herself so wantonly with the Winter Soldier, knowing my past and darkness. It's horrible. But shes also comforting. A type of comfort I haven't felt in a long while.

She's a wild card still. Unpredictable. And yet she peaked my curiosity.

I still can't get her teary blue eyes out of my mind. I'm thankful I heard her sneak past my room the night before. Otherwise I never would have followed her to the lab. Never would have seen her pain and loss so openly. Her cries were heartbreaking, sobs wrenched from deep inside.

I understand what it's like to feel utterly alone and confused. And I wish I could take that feeling from her.

Taking a quick left I stop at the door of the training room, hearing music and the dull thud of knife hitting Kevlar.

God help me I can't get the image of her dancing so carefree in my hoodie out of my head either. Walking into the kitchen to that view, well fuck me back to the 40s. A beautiful woman dancing and singing, a home cooked meal on the stove, and a blade twirling between delicate fingers. She's going to give me whiplash. Or death.

This need to protect and cherish her conflicts with the instinct to be wary and set clear distance and it's worse than the cyclone at Coney Island.

I just know this isn't a good idea.

***

*OC POV*

"You're letting go too soon Doll."

FUCKING BLOODY HELL I'm gonna kill this man.

I very much did NOT let out a tiny squeak for the second time today and launch ANOTHER knife straight at Buckys (admittedly handsome) stupid face.

Okay I did.

With a cocky flourish he catches it and give the blade a nice twirl. "See? Too soon. You're aim would be more accurate if you hold off a second or so before releasing. And the blade would slice through the air better. It's catching too much resistance from the angle."

"You have gotta stop sneaking up on me Sarge. Unlike yourself, I'm too young for heart failure."

Bucky sends me a scowl and scoops up the rest of the knives from the target then makes his way over.

"Sweetheart, I may have some years under my belt, but I'm a fully and exceptionally functioning man." I look down to see the tip of a knife gliding up my stomach and to my throat, pausing to move a lock of hair behind my ear.

Suddenly sweaty I clear my throat and swipe a knife from his metal hand. "I'll take your word for it Buckaroo. Now you wanna show me how exceptionally you can teach?"

At that he steps behind me, chest pressed against my back, hard muscle very much evident under his tight shirt. His hand gliding down my arm softly until he wraps his fingers around mine, now holding the knife together.

His (very beefy) leg presses between my thighs, allowing his foot to hook around mine and reposition my leg.

Hell in a handbasket its fucking hot in here. Jeez. My heart is going wild and I know for a fact Bucky can hear it.

His breath ghosts along my neck as he murmurs low against my ear.

"You're quick and underestimated because of your size. Use that more to your advantage and strike like a little viper. Fast and deadly."

He guides my hand as if drawing the knife from my thigh holster, making my hips shift back against his. As our arms make a slow, practiced arc Buckys metal hand squeezes my hip telling me when to release the knife.

With another light squeeze he steps back and nods for me to continue.

This man will undoubtedly be a distraction in the field if I don't get it together.

With a sigh I drop to a knee only to pounce back up in a spin while drawing the blade, letting it sail through the air in complete silence, slicing through it only to come to a halt with a smack that echoed through the room. In the blink of an eye it went from my fingertips to the mannequins skull a good twenty yards away.

He really didn't need an ego boost but damn if he isn't talented.

"Better. Now let's see how you do hand to hand."

I was suddenly back to the mat with a very heavy soldier pinning my body down, knife pressing into the hollow of my throat.

I let out a soft grunt as piercing blue eyes filled with concealed torment and a hint of playfulness met my own. "Well this brings back memories... for me at least."

Using his confused pause as an advantage, I run my foot along the inner seam of his sweatpants as the other slips from between his to hook around his thigh.

A startled grunt escapes open lips and the knife moves a fraction as his hold loosens. With considerable effort I had the hulking soldier underneath my straddling hips, knife now running up his chest, small cuts appearing along his shirt.

Large hands rest on my thighs, squeezing with every dip of the blade as it runs along the ridges of concealed muscle.

"Dirty move Doll."

With a small shrug his shirt gets cut open completely. "It can get dirtier Sarge."

I shift against his hips and his hands clamp down hard, keeping my legs in place, most definitely leaving Bucky shaped bruises.

"Are we ever gonna have that conversation you promised? Cause I feel like I'm missing some important pieces to our story."

"Huh, I thought this was a training session, not a slumber party." With another squirm against his crotch he lets out a low growl and I hop up, tossing the knife into the floor by his head. "Come and get me Barnes."

With that I took off down the hallway, thundering footsteps quickly catching up with mine. Damn super soldier speed.

As his arm wrapped around my waist I let out a giggle and ducked underneath it, landing a blow to his stomach. Which did little more than make him let out a grunt of air as I dropped to swipe his legs from beneath him.

With a roll Bucky jumped back up and caught my arm, spinning me against the wall.

His thigh pressed between mine as his metal hand locked my arms above my head, our chests heaving together despite the minimal effort of the chase.

The forgotten blade appeared in his other hand, the sharp tip trailing down my arm, dipping along the collarbone. Buckys head tilted as my heart beat went double time, a small smirk appearing on his lips.

With a smooth flick of his wrist a bead of blood trailed down my throat, stopping between the swells of my breast, Buckys eyes following the slow path returning to mine darkened and razor focused.

With a glimpse to the lip I trapped between my teeth he cocks his head with a suspicious glare. “Bringing back more memories Sweetheart?”

“I don’t know, is it Sarge?”

Don’t get your hopes up. Don’t get your hopes up. Don’t get you-

Buckys hips press firmly into my own, his thick thigh shifting higher, now tight against the needy heat between my legs. A very noticeably large and stiff bulge pressed into my hip. How am I not on fire yet?

A small whimper escapes my lips as Bucky trails his mouth and nose along the length of my neck, beard scratching deliciously against heated skin. My hips bucked, wonderful friction meeting my clothed center, a moan escaping with a sigh as I repeated the action.

Bucky growled low in his throat as his hips snapped against mine, leg tensing against my soaked cunt. “I might not remember our past yet Doll, but I remember this feeling. Your warmth. First time I looked into those big blue eyes I knew you were gonna ruin me. Had no idea who you were, but fuck it all I knew you somehow.”

With a slight tug he released my arms, hands falling to my waist, tracing a path along my body.

I rested my palm against his heart, as the other cupped his cheek. Thumb tracing his red lips I looked into lust blown confused eyes. “Maybe one day you’ll remember our story, until then I’ll remember for the both of us.”

A rough thumb brushes over a hard nipple as his hips start to rock steadily into my own. A small moan escapes as my fingers tangle in Buckys thick hair. His mouth once again finding my neck, this time leaving hot kisses. His tongue traced along my ear, teeth nipping along the skin until he reached the spot on my neck that made me keen.

His lips kissed a smile into my skin as he sucked it into his mouth, leaving his mark on my body. My greedy hand began to make its way to the band of his sweats as he-

“Ms. Romanoff and Mr. Barnes, the team needs you in the conference room immediately.” Friday said from above us, damn near giving me a heart attack.

Cockblock. “Fucking hell.” I mutter as my head tilts back to rest against the wall, Buckys hot breath puffing against my chest from where his face is pressed into my shoulder. I run my fingers through his hair for a moment, relishing his warmth after so long being cold.

Bucky pressed a kiss to my collarbone as I clear my throat. “Well, duty calls soldier.”

As he backs away and releases my body, I rock onto my tiptoes and press a soft kiss to the corner of his mouth before swiftly walking to the conference room.

I’m almost certain these shorts are ruined. My sanity is not far off either.

#avengers #avengers fic #black widow #bucky barnes #bucky barns fanfiction #captain america #endgame #marvel #spiderman #sebastian stan #knife kink #winter solder #iron man #tony stark #steve rogers #tfatws #bucky x oc #bucky x reader #wanda maximoff

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the-littlefangirl · 3 years

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TFATWS episode 1 rewatch commentary

The first scene was so beautiful. I loved that we didn't start directly with the fight sequence. It feels way closer to the quiet beginning of CATWS and I love it so much.

The title is also SO NEAT, music's on point too but hey it’s Henry Jackman the one thing I’m sure it’s going to be great overall is the score.

The choreography is AMAZING, really well shot. Sam shielding himself with only one wing was MA-JES-TIC.

“WHAT'S UP” EXACTLY SAM EXACTLY

I did feel so uncomfortable in regards to the military aspect of it. Not that I was expecting anything else, but both here and in Captain Marvel the military we're good guys < 3 propaganda is so blatant and ugh:/ At least there wasn’t a literal recruitment spot like with CM.

The yellow filter in the Tunisia scene BYE please stop with the yellow filters 2k21

"I've been working with the Air Force for six months now" So, did Sam even catch a break at all after Endgame? Or did he just throw himself to work like SOMEONE did after being iced for 70 years. Hmmm? Sam????

"Essentially, these people, they want a world that's unified without borders" OH NO! HOW AWFUL, how evil of these bad guys smh

Joaquin: SO about Steve

Sam: :)))))) nope

"Moon stuff" SAAAM

#1 cry with Sam's speech, full on chills.. Fuck. Me. His voice about to break before saying thank you bYE.

Shady politician: "It was the right decision" (FUCKKKKK YOUUU)

Rhodey: *press any key to doubt *

I need someone to analyze the different curation of the two exhibits pretty please

NOT THE PHOTO POST-AZZANO JFC. That photo is my weakness, Bucky sweetie (also I find hilarious that usually when there are articles about Stucky and/or #givecaptainamericaaboyfriend they aaaalways use that photo LMAO)

In case someone wants to read the transcription of the texts about Bucky: "In 1944, while on a mission to thwart a Hydra weapon transport in the Alps, Barnes was thrown from a train and believed to have been killed in action. It wasn't until 2014, over seventy years later, that it was revealed that Barnes was alive, having been found by Hydra operatives. Captain America himself (i can't read) the effort to bring Barnes in only to later aid in a escape from custody having been convinced of his innocence. Steve's loyalty to his old friend, coupled with his refusal to sign the Sokovia Accords, led to the dissolution of the Avengers and drove the Captain into hiding with other like-minded Avengers including Natasha Romanoff, Wanda Maximoff, and Sam Wilson. The current whereabouts of Barnes remains unknown, habing been labeled a fugitive following his escape from custody."

"current wherabout unknown" but not the government, interesting. Also, pretty good summary of CACW from the public's perspective, although one of the things I always wanted to see explored was the public's reaction of the fallout of them going into hiding after Civil War (which I'm hoping we'll get to see a little bit of in Black Widow).

Interesting point about the 70 years without having Captain America. Clearly the sacrifice play wasn't enough this time to fuel the nationalism so they went with a squeaky clean John Walker instead.

Sam saying the shield belongs to Steve I'm going to cry now excuse me. Sam. Sam sweetie.

The No. 1 Captain America comic in the display ugH fuck yes

See this is how you do a cameo that has actual meaning. Thank god for Malcolm Spellman being a competent writer. That scene was so well written.

HAVE YOU PRAISED ANTHONY MACKIE'S PERFORMANCE TODAY?? Holy shit that last shot fucked me up.

I'm loving the use of the wide shots, especially in the flashback. The camera movements are in synch with The Soldier's state of mind and mission focus, so good.

EVERYONE STAND UP FOR THE NATIONAL ANTHEM aka The Winter Soldier theme composed by Henry Jackman.

Without a doubt the most brutal TWS fight scene there has been, People involved in Punisher and John Wick are involved in this and it SHOWS.

For the record, still stands that the only time we've seen him chocking someone with his right hand instead of the metal arm remains the Maria Stark assasination. I know it's probably because of blocking and the way the shot was composed but the implications are still bone chilling. God.

Uhhmmmm I'm very ambivalent about the "Hail Hydra". On one hand, it was 100% fanservice and the internet is probably going to go insane over it, and the dead way Sebastian Stan delivered the line. Good shit. Buuut what I love about CATWS is the way Bucky never, ever ever, mouths Hydra rethoric, and even when Pierce tries to gaslight him with it, it's just an empty effort. The Winter Soldier isn't doing anything because of ideological loyalty to Hydra, even if it's product of brainwashing, it's just sheer dehumanization. They don’t need him to say the words because he’s just An Asset. There are people who have put it more eloquently but yeah, I rather go with the fanon interpretation of that aspect.

The music growing louder with the shot of the keys. GOD.

I'm fine this is fine.

#2 cry with the therapy scene of fucking course.

The government monitoring Bucky is noooot going to end well lmao.

"We need to know that you're not gonna * slowmo stabbing motions *

Bucky: * nodding along slowly *

I laughed out loud.

"It's passive agressive" I love him.

The way this scene just sucker punched me in the face, made me weep and then had me cracking up. Amazing.

Therapist: You can't do anything illegal

Bucky: yup yup check checkity check. What IS considered illegal tho?

*aggresive tablet finger pressing *

"Then why isn't it rule number one?" Bucky your Steve is showing.

I love the close up shot. I'll keep saying it. It's so good.

"I'm James Bucky Barnes" yeah you are🥺

That smile is nightmare fuel LMFAO I love it.

Uhm the way I'm kinning Bucky it's not funny anymore damn

That whole “are you lashing out at me” rambling is really reminiscent of the bar scene in CATFA and how he lashed out at Steve after Peggy left. Uhm yeah fuck.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" "Peace"

"That is UTTER BULLSHIT" "You're a terrible shrink"

yeah ugly crying to ugly laughing speedrun for me

"You're free" "To do what?" jesus. That entire scene. #3 and #4 and #5 cries for moi.

Ugh that Brooklyn shot. Someone needs to do a gifset compairing it to the one in CATFA asap.

"It's like Monique but it's got a "U" in there for uniqueness" "That's absurd" LMAO

"You can't keep fighting with your neighbors" uHM * redacted redacted i'm shifting into 1940s mode abort abort *

"Nobody passed 90" "So young. Such a shame" FGADHGA

🥺🥺 yes flex those flirting skills good for you

"It's a dance to this things. You can't… you gotta warm up and I haven't danced since 1943. Feels like." #6 cry I completely broke down into tears with that.

This Yori storyline is going to punch me in the face with a metal fist. Great!

The TWS theme when he looks at Yori fuuuuuck.

GREAT LET'S GO TO LOUISIANA THAT WAS GETTING HEAVY.

Those shots of Sam in the car. Immaculate. Showstoping. Yes.

Marvel, what if instead of promoting the military industrial complex you put a lot of publicity about cars?

"Uncle Sam!" LMAO subtle.

Everyone trying to have the wings lmao same.

I've only had Sarah for a day but etc. Brooklyn 99 meme

Good mirroring about Steve and Sam family's legacy. Good shit. Goooood shit.

Sam is trying so hard ouch my heart. I can't imagine how painful the scene with them reuniting must have been. He 100% still feels a lot of guilt about being gone for those 5 years (and even longer before that).

"Maybe it is time for us to move on" uuuuuuuuuuh

"To the rescue" "Always" 🥺🥺 i love them so much already

That shot outside the restaurant is so beautiful. Can't wait to see the night scenes in Madripoor tbh.

"I tried the whole online dating thing. It's pretty crazy". Uhm well that is something that Bucky Barnes has now said. In canon. Damn.

"It's a lot" "You sound like my dad" LMAO

Every Bucky fanfic trope speedrun with this scene

"Wow you really can drink" OH you have no idea

Just realized we don't even know her name, well.

"You have any siblings?" "I have a sister" THE WAY I SCREECHED. We're definitely getting Becca

Well that escalated quickly. The important thing is to try?

I can't deal with this BUCKY SWEETIE #8 cry right there fuck

The wardrobe department is KILLING IT, there's such a difference between the outfits of the shows vs how ugly and generic it usually is.

"ThEre is NO such thiNg as on time. You're either EARLY or LATE . picK One" lmao the way he delivered that line

At first I thought the flag smashers had thrown two cars out of a window LMAO

"I don't know how jurisdiction works here, but I'mma have to place you under arrest" uhm yikes. The way they changed Joaquín Torres backstory to just random army nice guy #1 is not sitting well with me, what can I say.

Sam's wings motions I LOVE HIM YOUR HONOR

Fuuuuck this guy.

"Funny how thing's always thighten around us" "Look, I'm on your side. After all, he's a hero". This script is C R I S P as hell, great fucking job.

"I don't care, I'm not gonna quit" "What are you trying to prove? And who you trying to prove it to" SHIT HSIT SHIT!!! UGH amazing. Look it's not necessary to say the show's questions out loud but how they flow between the conversations is still very satisfactory without feeling in your face about it. Inner conflicts have been set up fucking perfectly everyone * claps *

Ugh here we fucking go. I knew this was how the episode was going to end but my stomach still dropped like a rollercoster. God.

The score is on point. Damn. Damn.

God, Sam.🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

The captain america franchise's visuals in the credits are always so amazing.

Also, does anybody know why Mackie isn't first in the billing? Uhm what's that about?

ANYWAY CONCLUSION THAT EPISODE WAS SO FUCKING GOOD LIKE HOLY SHIT. I love them so much. The balance between the personal conflicts and the political aspect (although the military aspect is still very much yikes) was on point and it was overall a joy to watch.

#tfatws #tfatws spoilers #i'm so happy rn #sorry for the ramblings i just wanted to have it all written down #sam wilson #bucky barnes #captain america #tfatws commentary

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thebrotherssalvatore321 · 3 years

Text

Keeping Secrets Ch. 27

Keeping Secrets Masterlist

Pairings: Damon x Oc, Tyler x Oc for a hot minute, Elijah x Oc for a hotter minute, Klaus x Oc endgame. Warning: Mental and physical abuse in some chapters.

Alaric spoke to one of his buddies at Duke University and got Katie into a three week medical internship program for students who want to pursue a career in the medical field. While she was there, away from Mystic Falls and the vampire/werewolf craziness, she started to change. She felt free and more herself than she had in a long time. It only made her more eager and excited to get into college and out of Mystic Falls.

Her third day there they were given a tour of the nearby hospital’s neonatal unit and nursery. “Babies who are not held, nuzzled, and hugged enough can stop growing and if the situation lasts long enough, the baby may even die.” The instructor who was leading around the group of students told them where they stood in the middle of the room full of clear hospital bassinets and incubators, a few of which held babies. “Baby Smith here is a prime example.” She told them as she walked over to a bassinet with a baby inside wrapped up like a burrito in a white hospital blanket. “Her father signed all rights over before she was born and her mother passed away during the birth.”

“So she’s orphaned.” Katie was talking more to herself than the nurse, but she caught the nurse’s attention.

“Yes.” The instructor answered. “What is your name?”

“Katie.” She answered.

“Katie, would you like to hold her?” she asked, putting Katie on the spot. “She needs all the love she can get.” Katie just nodded and stepped through the group to the hospital bassinet. “Do you know how to hold her?”

“Yes, Ma’am.” Katie answered with a smile down at the baby as she gently slid her hand under her head and another under her back. As she picked up the tiny baby and moved her into the crook of her arm, making sure to support her head, it started crying. “Hey, sweetheart, no tears.” Katie told the baby softly, temporarily forgetting about the other people in the room. “I got you, it’s alright.” She started gently bouncing the baby, humming a lullaby and the baby’s cries quieted.

“You have the magic touch. Baby Smith usually cries the whole time she’s being held.” The instructor told her with an impressed look. “Does anyone else want to give it a try?” Katie almost didn’t want to let the baby go, but she knew she had too.

--That night—

~Dream~

Elijah opened the door of their cabin, letting Fiona, who was cradling a six month old baby in her arms, inside. “He is absolutely perfect.” Hannah gushed as she caught sight of the little boy’s dark complected face that was surrounded by a soft hand made blanket.

Elijah moved behind her and took a peek at the baby over her shoulder. “Hannah is right, as usual.” He told Fiona then looked at Hannah with a look that said he was kidding with her. “May I?” he asked with a motion to the baby.

“Of course.” Fiona told him then passed him the baby.

The sight of Elijah, a strong man that some would call a monster, holding something as small and fragile as a baby caused Hannah’s heart to skip a beat. Fiona saw the look on her friend’s face and nudged her shoulder with hers. “Do you need this?” she asked holding burp cloth out to her.

Hannah blushed and slapped it away. “Oh stop it.”

“You know,” Fiona started with a look between Elijah and Hannah as she sat down at the dining table, “Julie over at the inn is in bad health and looking for someone to take in her two year old if you two would like to consider it.”

“Oh, Fiona, I don’t…” Hanna drawled with an unsure look at Elijah.

“We will talk about it.” he told Fiona surprising the hell out of Hannah. Elijah’s eyes found Hannah’s before he looked back down at the baby in his arms and started talking to him in a soft voice that made Hannah smile.

~End of Dream~

The whole time she was gone she dreamt of Elijah.

TVDTVDTVD

Katie walked into the boarding house to find that, nothing had changed. That was until she walked into the parlor and saw Damon, covered in soap suds while wrapping a red throw blanket around his hips and Elena stood across from him covering her eyes. “What’s going on here?” she asked a little shocked at the scene.

“Elena doesn’t know how to knock.” Damon answered with a smirk. “I thought she was you.”

“He’s covered now. You can put your hand down.” Katie told Elena who peeked through her fingers then dropped her hand as Damon walked over and kissed Katie on the cheek.

“Sheriff Forbes gave us another location to check.” Elena told Damon as she pulled a slip of paper out of her pocket then held it out to him as Katie ducked under his arm and he wrapped it around her shoulders. “Memphis.”

“Another dead end, you mean?” he asked as he took it from her.

“You don’t know that.” Elena told him.

“You’re right, Elena. This could be the one.” Damon told her. “After almost two months this could be the clue that tells us Stefan’s alive and well and living in Graceland.”

“Fine. I’ll go by myself.” Elena took the paper from him and walked around him, but he whooshed in front of her and took the paper.

“And let Klaus know that you’re tracking him? He thinks you’re dead. Let’s keep it that way.” He told her as he looked at the paper.

“It’s a new lead, Damon.” Elena argued. “We haven’t had one in a while.”

“Okay. I’ll check it out. If I find anything, I’ll call you.” he told her then turned around and walked off leaving Katie alone with Elena.

“So, how was med. camp?” Elena asked with a sigh and an aggravated look on her face.

“Good. I’m going to be a pediatrician.” She answered getting a raised brow look from Elena.

“Really?” Elena said as she pulled the ponytail holder out of her hair making it fall around her shoulders.

“Yep.” She said with a shrug as she watched Elena gather her hair back up and tie it back up into a ponytail. “Are you excited about your birthday party tonight?”

“I don’t even want a party. Caroline is-”

“Being Caroline?” Katie asked with a smile and Elena nodded. “It’s happening, so the least you can do is make an appearance and eat a piece of the cake I’m making you.”

“Wait, you’re making the cake?” Elena asked as Katie headed into the kitchen to get to work.

“Yep, you said no gifts so I’m making you something you can’t say no to and it’s not technically a gift if everyone enjoys it.” she told her as she started looking around the kitchen for cake pans.

“Since when do you cook?” Elena asked as she sat down in one of the barstools.

“If you ask Elijah you might have to run to the store and buy a second one, but that was before these were invented.” She told her as she grabbed the chicken shaped timer and set in within arms reach. “So I guess the answer to your question would be since freshman year, home economics.” Katie said as she slammed a cabinet door shut. “How is it possible that there isn’t a single cake pan is this big ass kitchen?” she turned around to see Elena looking at her. “What?”

“Do you miss him?” she asked, making Katie give her a confused shake of her head. “Elijah. That’s at least the fiftieth time you’ve mentioned him this summer.”

“I’ve been at a medical camp half the summer and a lot of medical emergencies happened when we were together. It’s just drumming up old memories.” She answered truthfully as she tapped her ear and pointed up.

“Have you heard from Bonnie recently?” Elena asked, getting the hint that Katie wanted to change the subject.

“I talked to her this morning. She compared her father’s family to wet paint that never dries.” Katie answered as she pulled her car keys out of her pocket. “I have to go buy cake pans you wanna tag along or…”

“No, Caroline is on her way over with Tyler to decorate.” Elena answered so Katie waved over her shoulder and left.

TVDTVDTVD

Katie worked on the cake all day and was putting the finishing touches on it when people started showing up for the party. “Are you done with that yet?” Caroline asked as she walked into the kitchen to see Katie still slaving away over the cake.

Katie ignored her and finished writing Elena’s name in cursive with black icing. “Done.” She stood up and motioned to the cake with the hand that wasn’t holding the icing bag. “What do you think?”

Caroline walked around the white three tiered, topsy turvy cake covered with pink and black poke-a-dots glaring at it with her appraising eyes. “A professional could have done it better, but I think Elena will like it.”

“Okay, now that I have your seal of approval I’m going to go get dressed. Make sure no one messes with this please.” Katie didn’t wait to hear what Caroline had to say as she headed up to her room to change.

She was straightening the neckline of her white, spaghetti strap sundress with a scoop neck and a floral print of small red flowers, when Damon walked into her room. “I missed you.” he wrapped his arms around her waist and rested his head on her shoulder.

As Katie turned in his arms a hard box in his pocket brushed her leg. “What’s this?” she asked, tapping it with her finger.

“Elena’s birthday gift.” He answered as he stood up straight and pulled a small black box out of his pocket then opened it for her to see Elena’s necklace that Stefan had given her laying on a pad of white fluff. “Alaric found it in his apartment. I thought it might make her feel like she still has a piece of Stefan.”

“That’s sweet of you.” Katie thought out loud then walked over to her dresser and grabbed a pair of small silver hoop earrings off of it. “So how was the road trip?”

“Interesting.” He told her. “Stefan killed two people, but the interesting part is there was a secret werewolf holding cell under the house.” He didn’t give her a chance to say anything before he said, “I’ll meet you down at the party.” as he tucked the box back into his pocket and left the room. Katie couldn’t help letting her ears follow Damon up to Stefan’s room where Elena had been getting ready. “I got you something.” She heard him tell her. “I know I promised not to buy you anything. So don’t worry I didn’t pay for it.”

“You stole it?” Elena asked and Katie rolled her eyes.

“No.” Damon told her with a scoff. “I found it.”

“My necklace.” Elena said quietly. “I thought I’d never see it again.”

“Alaric found it in his loft. I figured you’d be happy to get it back.” he told her.

“I am happy.” Katie could hear the sad, but slightly happy tone in Elena’s voice. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” Damon told her.

Katie left her bedroom just as she heard them walking by and a little jealousy shot through her when she saw Elena’s arm looped through Damon’s. He could see it on her face so he held his other arm out to her. She took it, but as soon as they were at the bottom of the stairs she let go and headed to the kitchen to make sure no one had messed with the cake. However when she got in the kitchen she found that it was gone.

Worried she headed to the parlor where she saw Elena and Caroline getting a cup of beer from the keg in the corner. “Caroline!” Katie called getting Caroline’s attention so as soon as she could Caroline and Elena headed over to her where she stood on the steps.

“I moved the cake to the laundry room.” she told her then offered her a cup of beer.

“Thank god.” Katie sighed as she took the cup from her. “Where’s Damon?”

“I think I saw him go outside with Alaric.” Elena answered.

“Happy birthday by the way.” Katie told Elena then looked at Caroline. “I’m gonna go see if Damon wants to dance.”

She found Damon and Alaric out back sitting on the brick half wall between the cement and the grass. “How was the internship at Duke?” Alaric asked when he saw her walk up. “Did you decide if med. school was right for you?”

“Yep. You’re looking at a future pediatrician.” She told him with a proud smile.

“My girl, the future doctor.” Damon said as he grabbed her hips and pulled her to stand between his knees as he pulled her in for a kiss.

“Hey, can you keep the p.d.a. to a minimum please?” Ric complained and Katie laughed as she moved to sit beside Damon on the brick wall.

Before she could ask Damon to dance Elena walked out, said “Drink”, grabbed the glass of bourbon out of Damon’s hand and took a large drink. “Jeremy’s smoking again.”

“Is his stash any good?” Damon asked, getting a slap on the arm from Katie.

“You’re an ass.” Elena told him with a pissed off look then turned her eyes to Alaric. “Talk to him, please. He looks up to you.” she put the glass in Damon’s hand spilling it everywhere.

“You’re screwed.” Damon told Alaric who just shook his head.

Katie nudged Damon with her shoulder to get his attention and he looked over at her. “Wanna dance?”

“Na, I’m good.” He told her then refilled his glass with the bottle that was sitting between him and Alaric.

Katie sighed in disappointment. “Okay then. I’m going to go get another beer.” She said more to herself than him as she hopped down off the wall and headed inside. She had gotten a refill and was headed to her room to change shoes because the ones she was wearing were impractically high heeled when she saw Caroline leaning on the wall watching Tyler and Slutty Sophie dancing as she drank straight from the bottle. “Would you two just hook up already and get it over with?” Katie asked, getting Caroline’s attention.

“He’s had all summer to do something about us.” Caroline told her. “Besides, it’s…complicated.”

“Okay,” Katie started as she walked up the steps to stand beside her and watch people dancing on the dance floor, “weren’t you the one that told him you didn’t want to go there after he kissed you?” Katie asked, getting a look from Caroline across her shoulder. “You are also the one that said and I quote, It’s easy. Boy likes girl, girl likes boy. Sex.”

Caroline laughed remembering that she told Elena the same thing when she first met Stefan. “That’s not exactly one of my best quotes.”

“Either way the ball is in your court now. Pick it up and take a shot.” Katie told her with a smile and a pat on her shoulder as she headed up to her room. She expected to find some random couple making out on her bed, but instead she found Stefan, sitting at her desk reading her journal. “Stefan?”

He looked up at her with an emotionless face then whooshed over to her and stabbed her in the neck with a vervain dart causing her body to grow weak. It affected her more than it should have considering she ran out of vervain two weeks into her trip and hadn’t had a chance to drink any since she got back. She stumbled to her bed and grabbed the post of the footboard, holding herself up. “Hello, Katie.”

“Why are you doing this?” She groaned.

“Because I need to send a clear message to my brother.” He told her as he pulled his phone out of his pocket.

“What message?” she asked quietly.

“He and Elena need to let me go.” He told her in a matter of fact tone “Just like you need to let him go.”

“What?” she asked with a weak frown.

“I thought I heard you kiss Elijah before we went to Klaus.” He grabbed her journal and held it up. “I was right. You need to let Damon go. The longer you draw this out the more it’s going to hurt him.” He told her as he pushed buttons on his phone. Before he could hit the call button Damon walked into the room and Stefan grabbed Katie, holding her back to his chest with his arm wrapped around her chest. “Hello brother.”

“Stefan.” Damon greeted him worriedly. “What did you do to her?”

“Vervain.” He answered as if it was obvious.

“I swear if you hurt her…” Damon threatened.

“Now that I have your attention.” Stefan said, making Damon look back at him. “I need you to stop following me. It’s causing some…problems.”

Katie, growing weaker and weaker as the vervain spread through her system, couldn’t hold her head up any longer and it fell limply back onto Stefan’s shoulder. “With who, Klaus? I’m supposed to care what he thinks?” Unlike Katie, Damon could see the stake in Stefan’s hand and knew that if he made even one move toward her Stefan would stab her and possibly kill her.

“What you’re supposed to do…is let me go.” Stefan answered as Katie’s eye’s slipped shut, slowly losing consciousness.

“I’ve got a birthday girl downstairs that isn’t going to let me do that.” Damon answered.

Stefan stabbed her in the side with the thick stake making her wake up and scream. “I said…let me go.” He let Katie fall to the floor then whooshed out the window.

Damon pulled the stake out of her side making her scream again before she passed out. Damon sighed and picked her up in his arms. He laid her on her bed and brushed her hair out of her face. He tore a clean page from the notebook on her desk, wrote her a note and left it on her bedside table in case she woke up and he wasn’t there. Reluctantly he headed down stairs to make sure Stefan hadn’t gotten to Elena.

When Katie woke up she saw the note. “Went to find Elena.” She read then tossed the paper to the side as she stood up and walked over to her door. The party was still going on, but as she pulled the door open Damon and Elena’s voice’s hit her ears and she stopped. “All summer, every single time I came to you with a lead you made me feel like an idiot for having hope.” She heard Elena saying.

“You were an idiot. We both were.” Damon told her as Katie made her way toward Damon’s room.

“Tell me what you know.” Elena demanded and Katie could tell just by the tone of her voice that she was really upset with him as she should be.

“I know you need to get back to your party, Elena.” He told her dismissively.

“We’re supposed to be in this together. Why didn’t you tell me you’ve been tracking Klaus’ victims?” Elena told him.

“Because they’re not Klaus’ victims, Elena, they’re Stefan’s!” Damon snapped at her.

“What?”

“He’s left a trail of body parts up and down the eastern seaboard.” Damon told her, his voice agitated.

“No. You’re wrong.”

“I’ve seen it happen before. He’s flipped the switch, to full-blown ripper!” Damon practically yelled at her and Katie wanted to step in, but she knew Elena needed to hear what he was telling her.

“Stop it Damon.”

“No you stop, Elena. Stop looking for him. Stop waiting for him to come home. Just stop!” instead of standing out in the hallway eavesdropping Katie went back to her room to wait for them to get done arguing. “Stefan’s gone and he’s not coming back. Not in your lifetime.”

Katie didn’t know where Damon went from there, but he didn’t come to her. So she headed down to the party that was almost over and started compelling people with the line, “you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here”.

She was picking up the plastic cups and trash that lay around when she heard Damon destroying Stefan’s room. Deciding that it would be best if she didn’t interrupt she kept cleaning. She was picking up the study when Damon found her. “What are you doin’?”

“Cleaning. This place is disgusting.” She shoved a plate with half a piece of cake on it into the black trash bag she held in her hand.

“That’s what maids and compulsion are for.” He took the trash bag out of her hand and tossed it to the floor. “Come shower with me. You still have blood on your shirt.” His hands found her hips and pulled her into him. “How long have you been awake?”

“Since you and Elena started fighting about you keeping secrets from her all summer.” She answered as she lifted her eyes to his. “I guess I really could use a shower.”

TVDTVDTVD

“Are you okay?” Katie’s eyes didn’t look at his, but at her hand that rested on his chest, knowing their conversations like these usually went better without eye contact. “I heard you in Stefan’s room earlier.”

“It’s been a long time since Stefan and I have been as close as we have been recently. I screwed everything up.” He answered.

“You didn’t screw everything up.” She told him as she trailed her fingers down the center dip of his abs. “It wasn’t your fault Tyler bit you. I never thanked you for saving him and Caroline. I know you mainly did it to try to stop the sacrifice, but it still means a lot.”

“You need to stop…just stop trying to make me feel better about this.” Damon snapped at her. “Stefan is gone because of me.”

“Stefan may be gone and he may be off the rails, but he is alive.” Katie sat up and looked at him with insistent, stubborn eyes. “Had you not done what you did not knowing you would get bit, my friends would be dead. Dead, Damon. It sucks that Elena may never see Stefan again, but one of these days you and I will and well go Lexi 2.0 on his ass as soon as we do.”

“Katie, he vervained you and staked you in the side.” Damon argued.

“But he didn’t kill me. If he was really as gone as he wants us to believe he would have killed me.” She argued. “I will help you get him back even if it means I get staked in the side a thousand times over. Hope isn’t lost, Damon, not yet.”

“Either way I’m done chasing him.” Damon’s words made Katie breathe in a deep breath then led it out as she nodded.

TVDTVDTVD

Katie woke up from another Elijah dream to the smell of burning paper and sat up in bed with a sigh as she saw Damon throwing his research on Klaus and Stefan into the lit fireplace. “Are you sure you want to do that?” Katie said as she grabbed one of his shirts out of his dresser and pulled it over her head. “Maybe you should sleep on it. You might change your mind and decide to not give up on him.”

“I have slept on it, Katie. Last night, nothing’s changed and nothing is going to change. So Let it go.” He told her, not looking at her.

“Okay.” She sighed as she held her hands up in surrender then headed to her room to get dressed.

TVDTVDTVD

She was sitting on the couch in the living room reading a book when Damon walked over and sat down next to her. When she didn’t look up from her book he started walking his fingers up her hand and over her arm. She smiled but didn’t look at him so he grabbed the book out of her hand and tossed it across the room. She laughed as he grabbed her by her shoulders and moved her to straddle his lap. “Are you bored?” she asked as he slid his hands up her sides. He hummed as she started unbuttoning his shirt then grabbed his sides and caught his lips in a kiss.

He had moved her around to lie on the couch when his phone started ringing. He ignored it, but as soon as it was done ringing it started up again. So he pulled it out of his back pocket with an aggravated groan and answered it. “Bad time Ric.” Damon told him as Katie started kissing his neck, not paying attention to Alaric. “She what?” Damon’s change in tone made her stop and pull back to look at his eyes, wide with worry and aggravation. “Yeah we’re headed your way.” Damon told him as he got off of Katie and hung up the phone. “Stefan and Klaus are in the Smoky Mountains. Elena talked Alaric into going with her to find Stefan.” he told her as he headed to the door.

“Is she insane?” Katie asked as she stood up and rushed after him.

“She has to be because I’m about two seconds away from locking her in a padded cell.” He said as he walked over to his car and pulled the door open as Katie opened the passenger door. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“I’m going with you.” she told him as if it were obvious.

“No. Tonight is a full moon and we will be in werewolf country. It’s too dangerous.” He told her over the roof of the blue mustang.

“All the more reason for me to come with you.” she argued and he took a deep breath and let it out in a huff. “I’m not going to just sit here and not help make sure my friend gets her stupid ass back here in one piece.”

“Fine, just…don’t do anything stupid.” He told her and jerked his head for her to get in the car.

TVDTVDTVD

When they found Alaric and Elena halfway up the mountain, Damon, still pissed at Elena, pushed her off the ledge she was standing on into the water below. “Damon, Katie, what…? How are you even here?” Elena asked, soaked from head to toe as she stood waist deep in the muddy water.

“Thanks for the tip, brother.” Damon told Alaric over his shoulder.

“You sold me out.” Elena asked Alaric with her hands held out to the sides over the water.

“You think I’d take you to a mountain range of werewolves on a full moon without backup?” Alaric asked, getting a pissed look from Elena.

“Just get out of the water so we can go home.” Katie told her with an aggravated tone.

“No.” Elena answered making Katie sigh and pinch the bridge of her nose.

“Get out of the water, Elena.” Damon told her with more force.

“No. If I get out of the water you’re going to make me go home.” She stated the obvious as Katie dropped her hand from her face and rolled her eyes.

“Yes, because I’m not an idiot like you.” Damon told her as he propped his arm up on the tree beside him.

“Right now, you’re both acting like idiots.” Alaric spoke up, over their arguing.

“You gave up on him, Damon.” Elena told him standing her ground in the water.

“I didn’t give up on him, Elena.” Damon told her as he walked a little close to the small ledge. “I faced reality. Now get out of the water.”

“No!” Elena argued as she crossed her arms over her chest.

“What’s your big plan Elena?” Damon asked as he hopped down to her level. “You gonna walk into a campsite full of werewolves,” he started walking out into the water, “roast a marshmallow, and wait for Stefan to stop by?”

“My plan is to find him and help him.” Elena argued. Seeing as how this was going to take a while Katie walked over to a tree and leaned back against it, content to watch them argue. “This is the closest that we’ve been to him since he left. I’m not going home.”

“Klaus thinks you died when he broke the curse. That makes you safe.” Damon told her with a glare. “This?” he asked with his hands held out to the sides. “This is not safe.”

“I’m not leaving before we find him.” Elena told him.

“It’s a full moon tonight, Elena.” Damon told her really getting aggravated.

“Then we’ll find him before then.” Elena told him and as a moment of silence passed Katie realized something. Damon was actually listening to Elena and considering letting her stay. Normally Damon didn’t listen to anyone but himself, and on the rare occasion, Katie. “Damon, please.” Another moment passed Katie turned her eyes up at Alaric to see if he was noticing the same thing Katie was, that Elena had more power over Damon than they thought. He looked at her then down at Damon and Elena then back at her.

“Ok.” Damon caved. “Okay, but we are out of here before the moon is full and we’re wolf bait.”

“I promise.” Elena nodded.

“Are you freaking kidding me?” Katie asked, jealous anger bubbling to the surface. “The plan was to bring her home not go on a hike in werewolf territory. I’ve lived in Irish werewolf territory as a human and I gotta say I’m not liking it any more as a vampire that could die from a single nip.”

“If you don’t want to be here, go home.” Elena snapped at her.

“Unfortunately I’m just as stubborn and stupid as you are, so no. I’m not going home unless you’re coming too.”

“Not happening.” Elena told her stubbornly.

“Then let’s stop wasting daylight.” Alaric spoke up with a look between the two girls.

They had been walking in silence for an hour when Alaric, who was walking behind Damon and Elena spoke up again. “So you lived in Ireland?” Katie knew he was trying to break the tension and she decided to let him.

“In the 1800’s, yeah.” She nodded.

“Why didn’t you just move out of werewolf territory?” he asked just to keep her talking.

“Because I was a struggling single mother with nowhere else to go.” She answered. “They killed my sister one full moon. Bit my son another, and one would have ripped me to shreds on another. Elijah saved us both.” She saw Damon look back at her at the mention of Elijah. “Before Elijah showed up I wasn’t even aware werewolves were a thing. I just thought there was an overpopulation of wolves.”

“How you doin?” Damon asked Elena when he noticed she was getting winded.

“Fine.” She told him aggravatedly.

“You know I can help you.” he told her.

“No thanks.” She replied as they climbed a small hill.

“Just one little whoosh.” He told her as he moved his arms out in front of him like superman.

“Yeah, with my luck, you’d drop me.” Elena said with a groan as she took a large step up.

Alaric looked at Katie who was still walking beside him. “You’re not whooshing me.”

Katie laughed with a shake of her head at the thought of how awkward it would be to have to grab him and whoosh him that far. She loved him as a teacher and friend of friends, but it would have to be an emergency for that to happen.

They had been walking for what felt like forever when Alaric said, “We’ve got about a mile left.”

“And the sun isn’t far from setting.” Katie told them, getting antsy.

“I can see that, Katie.” Elena told her with an attitude. “The moon doesn’t reach its apex for a while. We have time.”

Damon’s walking slowed, sensing someone else around them so Katie opened her ears and heard someone’s shambled footsteps and beating heart. She was about to say something when a guy in jeans and a red flannel shirt over a grey t-shirt stepped out of the woods. He had blood on his face, dripping from his eyes and down his throat and his t-shirt. When he saw them he looked up and said, “Vampire”.

In a flash he grabbed Damon, spun him around and pinned him to a nearby tree. Damon was keeping him from biting him with his hand on his throat. In a flash Katie grabbed the werewolf guy around his waist and slammed him on the ground. She pinned him down with her body and placed her converse clad foot under his chin to keep him from biting her. “Someone wanna help me out here?” Katie asked, surprised that the werewolf seemed to be on the verge of overpowering her when most werewolves couldn’t take a vampire out of wolf form.

Alaric grabbed a wolfsbane dart out of his backpack and stuck the guy in the neck with it, weakening him enough that Katie could stand up, but she kept her foot on the guy's neck as Damon and Alaric started tying him up. “Let me guess. Hybrid.” Alaric said getting a look from all three of them. She only moved her foot when Damon tapped her ankle then picked the guy up from the ground. After using everything they had the guy was tied to a tree, but still managing to fight. Nothing seemed to be holding him down for long. “Alright, that’s the last of the vervain.” Rick said as he tied vervain soaked ropes around the guy. “We don’t have enough stuff to hold him. I don’t think we’re gonna make that ridge before the full moon.”

“If we can get him to talk we don’t have to.” Elena was reaching her hand out to the hybrid guy when he took in a deep breath, lifted his head and screamed out as his neck started twitching, the sickening sound of breaking bones filled the air around him.

“Is he turning?” Damon asked with a frown as he looked up at the setting sun.

“It’s impossible. It’s still daylight.” Elena said as she too turned her eyes up to the sky.

“Tell him that.” Alaric popped off.

“There aren’t supposed to be werewolves out here until the moon is full.” Elena said freaking out as Damon placed his hands on the hybrid’s shoulders keeping him pinned to the tree.

“Those ropes and us are nothing to a wolf, much less a hybrid with wolf and vampire strength.” Katie told Elena and Alaric as the hybrid leaned forward trying to bite Damon.

“We’ve got to get out of here.” Elena said and Katie breathed a small sigh of relief that Elena was starting to see the light on this whole adventure of hers. “Damon, we’ve gotta get out of these mountains, now!” she shoved Damon and he took his hands off of the hybrid as they all made a run for it.

Katie wished with everything in her that she could just whoosh away to safety and a dark part of her thought about it, but she couldn’t leave Elena and Alaric behind. So she stuck with the group. The sun had completely set when Elena tripped over a tree root and they all stopped and turned to look at her to see a wolf staring her down where she sat on the ground.

Katie’s eyes looked at the wolf, then Damon who knew what she was thinking just by looking at her eyes. Damon mouthed the word no at her. She was about to whistle at the wolf to get it’s attention before she ran when Damon said, “Here doggie, doggie.” and zipped away with the wolf on his trail.

“Son of a bitch, Damon.” Katie cursed him as Elena stood up.

“Come on. Let’s keep moving.” Alaric waved his hand for them to follow him.

“We can’t leave Damon.” Elena argued.

“He can handle himself. Let’s move.” Alaric argued.

Elena looked at Katie. “Go after him.”

“I can’t Elena. So let’s go before I throw you over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes and carry you down kicking and screaming.” Katie told her as she put her hand on Elena’s back and gave her a small push to get moving.

“I’m the reason he’s out here, Katie.” Elena argued.

“I’m the reason he’s out here.” Alaric snapped at them. “I told them where we were and I’m telling you to keep moving!” Elena hesitated, but started walking down the mountain.

Katie was leaning against Alaric’s car waiting for Damon, seriously considering going to find him when he came out of the woods and she whooshed over to him. “Are you okay, were you bit?” she asked, getting an aggravated look from him.

“I’m fine, Katie Cat.” He sighed as they started walking toward Alaric and Elena who were getting out of the car as they neared them.

“Damon, are you okay? Did you-” Elena asked as she rushed over to him.

“I’m fine, bite free. Get back in the car, please.” Damon told her as he put his hand on her chest and pushed her back.

“Can you just give me a minute to appreciate that you’re not dead?” she asked.

“I’ll give you ten seconds, 9, 8...” he grabbed her by her shoulders and turned her around. “Hey Ric, did you happen to see where I parked my car?” he pushed her toward her car.

“Damon, stop being such a caveman.” Elena complained as he opened her door and pushed her into the car then shut it behind her.

TVDTVDTVD

“What happened out there?” Katie asked as they headed into the boarding house, Katie walking behind Damon. “You haven’t said a word since we got in the car.” He turned and looked at her with wide pissed off eyes. “You’re mad at me. Why am I not surprised?”

“Probably because you know I’m pissed at you for even thinking about letting that wolf chase you. Do you have some sort of death wish?” he asked as he walked closer and closer to her. “If you keep putting yourself in harm's way you’re going to end up dead and you know it.”

“What I know,” she started as she took a step back, “is that my best friend, my family, was in danger and I will die before I let my family die knowing there was something I could have done to prevent it! If you call that a death wish then fine. I have a death wish!” Damon just stared at her.

“No. I refuse to let you get yourself killed just because you think you will come back in god knows how many years.” He told her with rage in his eyes.

Katie took a deep breath and held it as she placed her hands on her hips and looked down at the ornate rug that covered the floor. Those three words, I refuse to. They started ninety percent of the sentences that her grandfather had ever said to her and in that moment, in the tone of voice Damon was using with her, she got jerked back in time and heard her grandfather’s voice in her head. Then once again heard her first father’s voice telling her ‘you will do this’ or ‘you will not do that’. “Damon,” she let the breath out and looked up at him, “I have been told all my life, in both of my lives, what I can and can’t, will and will not do. Please don’t be another one of those people who refuse to let me do something. What I do with my life, my choices, are mine to make.”

Damon didn’t say a word as he walked to the front door, opened it, walked out and slammed it behind him causing Katie to jump and the pictures on the wall to shake. With a heavy sigh she dragged herself upstairs to her room and took a shower. When she was done she threw on some cheer shorts and a tank top then sat down at her desk and let her hair fall around her shoulders in loose wet ringlets. She grabbed a pen and opened her journal to a fresh page.

“I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I love Damon, I do, but when he says things to me like he did tonight it makes me wonder if why I put up with it. When we first got together it was just for the fun of it. Then I saw how good of a person he could be and I fell for him. Even though I knew we wouldn’t last…I fell. He’s fun to be with, but here lately it feels more like we spend more time fighting to have a relationship than we do actually having one. When we’re not fighting about Katherine or Elijah we’re finding something else to argue about. I’ve never actually seen a functioning relationship, but I’m pretty damn sure this is not what one is supposed to be like.” She lifted the pen from the paper, debating on if she even wanted to write down what she was thinking and feeling. If she wrote it down, she’d have to accept it and it would become all too real. But she forced herself to put pen back to paper. “I’ve been dreaming about Elijah. I know it’s no longer the spell making me have dreams. It’s me. It’s my subconscious pushing me to be with him. To follow my heart and stop pushing back everything I feel for him. I love Damon. He has been with me through everything and we’ve been through so much, but it feels like we are slipping apart and I don’t know what to do.” Getting aggravated she threw the pen on the desk and slammed the journal shut.

She thought she heard something and she followed the sound to Damon’s room where he was getting out of the shower. “What?” Damon asked as he wrapped the towel around him.

“Where’d you go?” she asked timidly.

“I needed some fresh air.”

“You know I can tell when you’re lying to me right?” she asked as she leaned on the door frame.

“I went to Elena’s okay?” he told her then turned to his dresser and pulled the drawer open.

“Why didn’t you just tell me that in the first place?”

“Because I know how jealous of her you can be.” He told her in a choppy tone without making eye contact.

Katie bit her lips closed and nodded. “Okay. Goodnight I guess.” She went to her room, flipped off the light switch, slid into bed and closed her eyes. The image of Damon on his deathbed filled her mind as his words echoed through her head, “Thank you for choosing me. You have no idea how much that means to me.” Feeling the stabbing pain of her heart breaking, she rolled over and pressed her face into her pillow then covered her head with the second one she never used and sandwiched her head between then as she let the tears flow.

On any other night, Damon would have come to her in the middle of the night, claiming that he couldn’t sleep without her, but tonight…he didn’t.

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