i feel like someone dead pretending to be alive

my posts aren't blowing up and getting tons of attention instantly, oh well guess i'll just *explodes* *explodes* *explod

Friendly reminder HPD isn’t popular girl disorder, it’s actually impairing.

It can mean getting sh urges because you don’t feel like you have enough attention. It can mean feeling like you have to exaggerate your pain because you feel empty inside. It can mean blowing money and time on clothes and makeup so people comment on your appearance. It can mean people not trusting you because the way you talk is exaggerated and leaves out key details. It can mean doing stupid shit that gets you in serious trouble and makes you seem like a bad person because others were doing it. It can mean being heartbroken because what you thought was an intimate relationship was just two acquaintances.

HPD is impairing and I’m tired of people treating it as a “less severe” pd. It’s a disorder for a reason!!!

Imi, He/it

i'm just trying to think about what the fuck about me is so unlovable that some of my best friends decided it straight up wasn't worth it to try to save our friendship. is it because of all of the shit that i was already working on? is there something else i need to do? what the fuck do i need to do to stop being so fucking easy for people to abandon? what the fuck is wrong with me, why the fuck does this keep happening? i was trying my hardest and putting everything into this and somehow that still wasn't enough. am i just never going to be enough of a whole person for people to like me? why the fuck do i ruin fucking everything? i swear to god i'm cursed. or maybe i'm just too fucking mentally ill for everyone i fucking meet. i still hate how it always felt like it was okay for them to have issues and how even if they upset me "oh they have their own issues to work through so you know! it happens!" but when i have a fucking problem? "you need to do better and stop doing this and start doing that and listen to what i'm telling you to do and you'll just be better and i'll stop getting upset with you!" fuck this shit. how the fuck am i supposed to think i'm anything better than disposable when everyone who i love eventually decides i'm impossible to love and just fucking vanishes instead of even thinking i'm worth the time to speak to.

ugh...

each time i think im at my lowest... BOOM Narc Collapse AND BPD Episode at the SAME FUCKING TIME.

when you’re underage and try to talk to health professionals about the possibility of looking into ASPD it really sucks because it honestly feels like they just don’t believe you (and they likealy don’t)

“you don’t seem like you’d have antisocial personality disorder”

What does that even mean. Explain to me in fucking detail.

“you never got diagnosed with conduct disorder”

you don’t need to fit every single piece of the diagnosis criteria.

“I don’t think you’re very manipulative or controlling”

good, that means the masking is working

“you have strong morals for someone who-”

bold of you to assume that people with aspd can’t have a moral compass to follow. I’ve trained myself to have one.

“You seem like such an empathetic person though”

I can understand why someone is upset without feeling sad for them. I don’t owe every single person I meet empathy.

Just because I don’t show you my covert god complex doesn’t mean I don’t have one. Just because I masked my traits by observing other people’s behaviors over the years doesn’t mean im not masking

wanting to tell ur fp that you have bpd is basically like

“damn,,, i rlly need to tell my fp that i have bpd,, their dry ass messages have been making me overthink a lot and i should warn them about this,, might even blow up on them if i didn't tell them and thatll obv make everything 10x worse for me,,”

“nah you shouldn't haha,, cause if you do then theyll definitely call you a terrible, disgusting person and abandon you because of this. theyll also probably talk shit behind ur back because of thisvlolol so yeah maybe u shouldnt”

“ok nevermind i wouldn't lol id rather light myself up on fire than tell them.”

Guys I just found someone who managed to demonize npd in order to try and make bpd look better and I’m absolutely disgusted

VENT POST AHEAD

Going through a histrionic crash/split. Shall I

Use healthy coping mechanisms that I’ve spent years working on and will help me in the long run to recovery

Mess everything up

i will always long for a home i never had and a mothers love i never got to feel.

Me: I want thousands of eyes on my work, I'm dying if I can't have that, I want compliments on my posts

*gets it*

uhmmmmm actually i need personal love and attention from people I specifically deem as worthy to compliment me

*gets it*

hey actually i thinkh i'll jsut kill myself nothing is good enoguh

fuck. found myself /neg splitting on a friend and my god i forgot his bad it feels. i love them so much and it's breaking my heart how much i hate them rn

i did everything in my power to push through my problems to offer you love and support because you were my entire world and all i wanted was to see you happy. but when i cracked and you realized how fucked up i was you ran away.

It really sucked to realize that getting close to anyone, for me, inherently requires being hurt. If I’m genuinely attached to someone, because of my nervous system’s hypersensitivity (regardless of how well I’m able to hide this) I will be hurt by them over and over again, no matter how well objectively they treat me, even if they do virtually nothing wrong. My internal expectations of how others treat me is unrealistic and I know this, but no amount of telling myself this changes how badly it hurts when I’m not treated the way I feel I deserve to be. I hate how fragile my ego is. I’m so sick of it getting in the way of my ability to connect with anyone. Being treated normally hurts. Any moment that I’m not actively being put on a pedestal by someone, the absence of excessive praise and such- feels like rejection and resentment and disdain and emotional abandonment- because, growing up, not being put on a pedestal really did mean those things. And now I understand on a logical level that this isn’t true with most people (or at least with people who aren’t toxic or abusive towards me) but it’s so hardwired into my brain to interpret the absence of excessive and very explicit positivity towards me as outright negativity and malice towards me and I don’t know how to change it.

nothing is ever enough. nothing will ever truly be enough.

i want to fucking scream and start bawling right now