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linnasmile · 2 years

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Their bed of ashes

~Look, I posted this two years ago on AO3, enjoy it here now~

…On both sides the vow was broken Oh my my, I'm the one Trying to hide this damage done One day, all our secrets will be spoken…

The scrawny black dog walks quickly inside once Remus opens the door. He doesn’t turn around right away. Locking the door, he notices the animal panting has ceased and hears a wholly human sigh. It is not hard for him to distinguish these sounds-not when his flat is quiet, not when he knows this panting and this breathing in his bones.

“Dumbledore wants me to stay with you for a while” Sirius begins.

It is unnecessary. Dumbledore sent an owl explaining. The almighty conductor of their lives orchestrated this, down to the exact time Sirius is supposed to show up.

Remus wants to be rude and stay quiet but gives in to the expectant silence. “It would be foolish not to follow his suggestions.”

“Suggestion… you make it sound like I have a choice.”

“I suppose you don’t. You’re not a free man, Sirius, but if the idea of living with me is so repulsive to you, I am sure you will find another way.”

Nothing in Sirius’ tone suggests that, but Remus is grasping at air just to feel offended. He is looking for that bitter hatred he lived with for twelve years, for the indifference which set in beside it after a while. One does not spend over a decade nurturing these feelings only for them to buckle under the pressure of truth. He wants to be resentful, for Sirius to antagonise him, for Sirius to want him. In this new normal, where the love of his young adult life is not a traitorous bastard, he wants Sirius to be everything to him, and nothing at all. His mind is not made up and he’s fighting, fighting…

It should be easy. He is innocent, innocent. Remus knew the whole story now, the full truth. It wasn’t me, Remus…. Moony, I didn’t do it. Sirius’ averment sounds in his head as clear as when he had first heard it in the Shrieking Shack. This reality refuses to seep into Remus’s body and lingers on his skin, suffocates him, poisons him. Sirius’ exoneration spelled Remus’ culpability. It is impossible to consider oneself as the person who turned their back on their lover and friend, as the one who believed in a previously unthinkable notion. It is impossible to look in the mirror and accept this about yourself, Remus considers. Sirius’ presence in his flat is choking him.

Whether they stand in the hallway for seconds or minutes Remus does not know. He forces himself down to the living room and Sirius silently follows.

“I don’t have much, but the couch should be comfortable enough to sleep on. I learned this spell…” Remus stutters. He only learned the spell because he knew Sirius would stay with him. “It makes the couch pillows fluffier.”

“Cheers” says Sirius, more polite than he ever was. There exists no universe where Sirius does not realise Remus did this for him only.

“Bathroom, as well. Left you a towel.”

Sirius only nods this time and heads into the shower.

***

Nothing comes effortlessly in the days after for them. In many ways one man had lived a life, whereas the other was stuck into a non-reality from 13 years ago. It is uncomfortable to Remus to live with a man who thinks he knows him. It is troubling that in so many ways Sirius still does. Remus is continuously unsettled, not least by the fact that money is so tight he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to continue to support Sirius, as well as himself.

It is the third evening they spend in silence over tea when Sirius, without sharing his intentions walks out of the house as a dog. They have not discussed this. It seemed only sensible for Remus to believe Sirius would stay inside at all times. Another cage, perhaps. And so he is stunned when he has to get up and close the door after the dog, not knowing if he will see it again or what it would bring back.

Sirius, naturally, returns after a while.

“Where did you get these?” Remus asks motioning to the groceries Sirius piles on the table.

“I stole them from a muggle shop.”

A nonchalant answer.

“Sirius, this is a crime, even in the muggle world.”

“If I go to jail again, Lupin, it’ll be because I murdered 13 people. I might as well get us some eggs along the way, seeing as you’ve been so worried about feeding us.”

“You didn’t murder anyone” Remus observes and neglects to comment on the other part of Sirius’ statement, the one which is actually true.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It matters tome.”

Remus wanted to stop himself from saying anything. He doesn’t want to give Sirius a wider view into his mind, yet it is so, so hard to keep away from someone who’s intertwined with you.

“You haven’t a clue what it’s like there, Lupin. At least now I can get food when I’m starving, whatever the means.”

An animosity builds up in Remus. The longest conversation they’ve held since the fugitive arrived is about to turn into an argument and Remus wants it to. Sirius, if uncoerced, will bottle his character for ever. However scared Remus is of what’s about to burst out of himself, he is tenfold more curious to see, actually see Sirius. Though he dismissed it a few days ago, when he caught Sirius crying over an old Charms textbook, now suddenly he wants to know.

“You’ve not spoken to me since you got here, Black, to give me a clue.” His tongue turns to ice. Sirius was many things, never a true Black; and so this is meant as an insult, though Remus only manages to convey the disdain in being called “Lupin” by Sirius.

“How am I to speak to you when you’re in the other room? Or when you won’t even look at me? I don’t believe either of us has mastered telepathy recently, but do correct me if I’m wrong.” All of this, said in a hurt tone Sirius has never used before, stabs Remus at the right place. Identifying and exploiting weak spots is evidently not one of the excellent qualities Sirius has parted with in Azkaban.

Remus’ face is burning with shame. Trapped in his mind for the past few days, debating what to do, he had failed to act in any way. He had drifted in and out of Sirius’ living space, but paid him no attention. There was something, though Remus cannot pinpoint it exactly, that Sirius is avoiding. He is as much afraid to find himself in this scene as Remus is.

“I’m listening now.” He looks up then. Sirius is facing the window overlooking the tiny backyard. His shoulders, Remus thinks he can see it even through his shirt, are scarred and tense. He waves his hand in a there’s nothing to say motion.

Remus takes two steps toward him, wants to grab him and force him around. Sirius flinches at the movement behind him.

“This war, Lupin…”

“Stop calling me that!” he can’t help himself. It’s painful beyond belief to be addressed as a stranger by the man who… the one who has known him more intimately than anyone.

“This war has made me a monster. I don’t want you to know him. He should be locked up.” Sirius states, now facing Remus. His eyes are sunken and wet. Remus waits, but silence settles again.

“Is this it? You come to my house afteryearsand give me this? You used to be boisterous, Padfoot, never would shut up. Now, when it matters, when this conversation is theonly thing that matters to me, you refuse me.”

Sirius offers nothing in the way of words. His expression, should Remus choose to notice it, betrays it all. A selfish desire to learn every detail and to continue hearing Sirius’ voice blinds Remus. He presses deeper into a wound both men know is not healed, the depths of which are only clear to one of them. The other speaks:

“I have dreamed of you, and I have missed you. I have wanted to be in a room with you again for thirteen years. And now you don’t want me to know. You don’t want me.”

“Moony…”

“Don’t.”

“I have nothing to give you.”

“Why not? Curse got it? Did someone curse...”

“FEAR GOT IT, REMUS! I’m scared.”

A shout. A beat. Then many tears. Sirius slumps in the armchair, cries; Remus remains rooted next to the fireplace. It is this, Sirius’ restrained weeping, which makes Remus grasp it. He doesn’t want to know, even if Sirius wanted to tell him, even if Sirius wasn’t horrified like a child of the dark. He had been keeping exclusively to himself, and Remus had been holding a grudge, feeling like he was owed an explanation, offended from being ignored. After all, he was the one who had spent over a decade believing his lover had murdered their friends and twelve other muggles, just because they were there. He, Remus, had had to spend countless nights trying to make sense of the reality which he was abruptly thrust in, one which didn’t match up with his private experiences and feelings. Remus was the one stuck having to believe Sirius was guilty. A now shameful notion had been infesting Remus’ mind ever since the Shrieking Shack-Sirius had had it easy in Azkaban, comforted by the absolute thought of his own innocence. The others had had to battle, while the dog remained inside, and his only mission was to remember his inculpability.

Remus feels himself a fool. The horrors of Azkaban had taken a discernible toll on Sirius’ appearance, a toll Remus noticed, and which should have at once made him stop comparing miseries beyond his understanding. The man he had once loved is no more. The malnourished being in front of him is overcome by only one emotion. Fear, something which was not in Sirius’ repertoire, the Sirius who went to Azkaban, has consumed him. One man goes in, another one comes out. An echo of Barty Crouch Jr’s swap with his mother, though the transformation here is much harsher. Remus mustn’t drill any more. He must apologize, though no words are powerful enough.

“Okay” he says, “okay, Sirius, you don’t have to. Here-”

Remus levitates a blanket from the couch, and it drapes itself gracefully around Sirius’s body. He continues crying.

“What’s the spell?” Sirius asks.

“Which one?”

“This… the blanket… you made it come to me.”

Remus tells him, confused.

“Do you realize, Moony, that I couldn’t use magic for twelve years?”

Remus hadn’t. The spell lingers in the air inappropriately. The memory of Sirius upset over the charms textbook is a slap across the face. The dread unravels, and so does Sirius, in a precipitous manner. Remus kneels next to him because there is nothing else to do. Really, what could be done? What one sentence disperses 13 years’ worth of guilt, despair, loneliness, and loss?

“They won’t get you again. I will protect you. My word.”

A promise which cannot be kept. Sirius has been back in Remus’ life for mere months, and already Remus is falling back into his old habits of needing to protect Sirius at all cost. He cannot guarantee safety, or anything really, but he wants to, how he craves to…

When Remus takes Sirius’ bony hand, a hand which feels completely foreign in his own, he knows Sirius will not stop crying. He wants to weep himself. How unjust and ugly the scene is now overwhelms him. So much time has passed that hope seems foolish, and any action-inadequate. They have shared desperate moments in a past long forgotten, but torture like this was unknown to Remus.

What needs to happen? In this instant, a hug, a kiss, a declaration. Tomorrow, the same repeated. It is unsustainable. Two outcasts cannot pull through together on love alone. Neither has more to offer to the other, both need so much more. Remus had listened to Dumbledore’s speech when the old man insisted that happiness can be found even in the darkest of times. Foolish words, empty. What action turns on the light? How will they become unstuck? The wave of a hand, a flick of a wand?

More broken than ever, Remus kisses Sirius, presents him this useless gesture. He had expected his heart to unclench, but the feeling never comes. The man he doesn’t know kisses back though coyly, still crying. The old lovers, the strangers freeze in this moment, but a callous misery is wrenched there as well. Voldemort seems to have destroyed only the things he values least-hope, relationships, and happiness.

It is late. Or it is early. A crippled Sirius and a desperate Remus share this night, and nothing more.

…Underneath this bed of ashes, still withholding everything Like we were never close…

#harry potter #fanfiction #harry potter fanfiction #wolfstar #sirius x remus #angst and feels #hurt and some comfort #remus needs a hug #but so does sirius #lie low at lupin's #post sirius black in azkaban #marauders #sirius black #remus lupin #listen to cage the elephant-ready to let go #ao3

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mothlau · 10 months

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brain filled with jegulus uni au where james walks into the wrong lecture, all tired and sleep deprived, with baby harry on his chest. cue regulus falling in love with the hot dilf that doesn't belong in his post modernism class and who he knows for a fact is sirius' best friend

first chapter is officially out :)

#jegulus au #jegulus fic #jegulus #marauders #marauder era #james potter #regulus black #now i imagine the black bros having a somewhat decent relationship with reg having left the family #and yeah sure he knows of james IN THEORY but sirius never really brings up harry bc hes convinced reg hates kids #turns out he does but harry???? oh he loves harry!!!!#and then something something happens and jegulus kiss :)#also lily would be sooooo fed up with james' shit. hed be asking her to let harry stay with him just so that he could impress reg #grrrrr i love kid fics

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kaaaaaaarf · 13 days

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Trans masc Sirius and his dirty stoner boyfriend Remus who keeps giving him UTIs from fingering him after hand rolling his joints.

#RIP Sirius you are God's strongest soldier #why does Remus look so hot in a dirty white tee with holes in it #it's not your fault sirius #(help)#(i can't stop thinking about this)#someone write this I already have too much on my plate #kay tag #wolfstar #marauders

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wizardemotions · 3 months

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pinterest showed me some screenshots of posts that gave me the concept for an au where both harry and ron are sorted slytherin & draco is just slightly less rude in the first book. i could go into why i think this makes a lot of sense for ron but i won't. i've affectionately dubbed them the platinum quartet in my head and they will not leave me the fuck alone

#quill to paper #draco malfoy #harry potter #ron weasley #hermione granger #romione #drarry #slytherin harry #slytherin ron #golden trio #platinum quartet #actually i'll go into why it makes sense for ron here in the tags.#imho a major slytherin trait is ambition #and ron *has* ambition he's just never had it actively encouraged and fostered #book fucking one the mirror of erised shows him winning the quidditch cup & being head boy and all #he HAS ambition! and by god does he have something to *prove*#youngest weasley boy who desperately wants to do something different from his family #not get lumped in as 'just another weasley'#he's the anti-sirius in this context tbqh. old pureblood family of gryffindors and he's plastering his room at the burrow w green and silver #in my head draco is also in the train compartment when ron walks in and asks to sit there & harry speaks first so draco shuts up #a little tense but draco also relaxes a little bit. he's ELEVEN he just wants FRIENDS.#ron watches the boys he sat with on the train both get sorted slytherin and has just the biggest burning desire an 11 yr old can have #to get into slytherin instead of gryffindor. to do something different from his other siblings at the gryff table. to Prove Something #the hats like 'ohh. a weasley huh. but so much to prove... there's real ambition #and the potential for cunning... slytherin? alright #good luck! slytherin it is!'#and draco's smug little ass is like 'i suppose there's hope for the weasleys yet if they can turn out a slytherin #and ron is psyched out of his eleven year old gourd bc harry fucking potter is grinning and clapping for him #and also because percy n the twins look SHOCKED AS FUCK as do half the profs #snape is over at the table realizing w complete clarity that he's going to be put thru the ringer as slyth head of house these next 7 yrs

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chasingthestarss · 2 months

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Regulus Headcanon:

He knows a bunch of languages, it was something he was interested in and he actually learned them unlike Sirius. Pandora is Greek and sometimes she will ramble in Greek and Regulus matches her. Remus speaks Dutch and more often then not uses it for cursing but Regulus call him out every time. Lily learned German and gets really frustrated when Regulus knows it too. Hogwarts may have people from all over but generally Regulus can understand basically anyone it’s his biggest flex.

But he doesn’t know Hindi and of course that is the language James speaks. And Regulus doesn’t understand him. It drives him crazy. But James loves speaking Hindi to Regulus because he knows that Regulus doesn’t understand him.

#marauders era #dead gay wizards #regulus black #sirius black #james potter #remus lupin #jegulus #moonwater #regulus black headcanons #jegulus headcanon #indian james potter #James potter speaks Hindi #Regulus Black does not #and he is livid #he would probably try to learn it and fail every time #because knowing a language has never been more important #so of course now his winning streak of learning a language fluently fails #Sirius thinks it’s hilarious and starts to learn from Effie #because he wants to one up Reggie

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industrations · 1 year

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I haven’t had time to color this but COWBOY REMUS COWBOY REMUS

The boots are specifically for @greenvlvetcouch 🫶

#cowboy remus agenda #also the grip on sirius’ leg is extremely important #what is he so sexy for #like why does he have to be all mysterious

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enbysiriusblack · 2 months

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regulily & wolfstar where it's rich as fuck sirius and reg meeting up after years to try to reconnect, and meeting up in a cafe as its neutral ground but remus and lily work there and are just watching as a man dressed in leather and spikes and ripped denim, holding a motorbike helmet, shouts at a man who looks so similar to him but is wearing a black victorian suit and a briefcase with a jack the ripper badge.

#they come back each week and takes turns being the one to shout and dramatically leave first #its great entertainment for lily and remus #until one week where it was regulus' turn to leave first and sirius saunters up to the counter and retells his life story to them #regulus finds out and doesnt want them to be on sirius' side so next week he does the same to them #and now they're somehow caught in some random family drama of the most eccentric and annoying customers they've ever encountered #regulily #wolfstar #sirius black #regulus black #lily evans #remus lupin #marauders era #marauders

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florsial · 29 days

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I’m sorry but bartylus will forever remain in my heart as the young teenage couple who married the moment they got out of college, maybe even earlier.

They met in elementary and were unofficially dating from 7th grade to freshman year of high school until Barty loudly shouted out “THAT’S MY BOYFRIEND FUCKFACE!” When some dude insulted Regulus’ overly pretentious attitude. They were never seen separated and are often found in the halls holding hands and getting food together, they share a locker so people often see Barty getting snacks from Regulus’ locker, and spend their free period in each other’s classes so much so that the teachers just accept the extra student.

Sirius runs away and Barty is with him nonstop that he tries to switch his classes to be with him, but only stops cuz it’s too late in the semester. They get engaged during graduation and run away in the middle of the night to elope and officially cut off their family (except Mrs Crouch) when they enter college.

They are the messy and sleazy married couple with the deepest and loyal love for each other, it’s just a little hard to tell with the bickering. They have 2 cats and German shepherd who they treat better than anyone else and Barty makes vulgar comments when older people comment on how young they married.

They spent their honeymoon going around restaurants and fake proposing to get free deserts before heading back to their tiny apartment and basically disappear for like 3 months which makes their friends worried asf until they spot Regulus and Barty getting ice cream in a park one midsummer and Dorcas is like “I NEARLY CALLED THE COPS??”

Kay that’s all gnnnm

#when sirius reconnects with reg he is strangely disappointed that reg got married so young #he does send a basket of Disney dvds and ice cream as a last wedding gift tho #I love them #they special to me ok #regulus black #marauders era #regulus arcturus black #barty crouch junior #barty crouch jr #bartylus #starkiller #barty crouch jr x regulus black #regulus black x barty crouch jr #regulus x barty #bartylus hcs

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pearlynia · 2 months

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Regulus "I would die for you" Black and James "i would kill for you" Potter

----

Remus "I would die for you" Lupin and Sirius "i would die with you" Black

#does this make sense #idk #but it make sense to me #so yeha #jegulus #wolfstar #regulus black #james potter #sirius black #remus lupin #marauders #maraders era #starchaser #sunseeker #remus x sirius #james x regulus #marauders headcanons

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adharastarlight · 1 year

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Reg: *walks down into the common room wearing James' jumper*

Sirius: oh my god, are you wearing a Christmas jumper!?

Reg: what? No! It's a winter jumper.

Remus: Prongs doesn't own winter jumpers, just Christmas jumpers, right?

James: *malfunctioning slightly* you're wearing my jumper. He's wearing my jumper. Reggie is wearing my jumper-

Reg: *goes over to put his finger over James' lip, kissing his cheek* yes, your winter jumper, right?

James: *honestly melting* right.

Remus and Sirius: cheater!

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accio-sriracha · 6 months

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Marauders and Co. playing Never Have I Ever

~~~♤~~~

Remus: *bluntly* Never have I ever been a dog.

Everyone else: ?

Sirius: *drinks*

Everyone else: ?????

Marauders: *refuses to elaborate*

~~~♤~~~

#remus is a petty bitch and does this to make him drink #it gets funnier every time #they will literally just move on after #james tries to get out remus by saying hes never been scared of the moon #again refusing to elaborate #theyre so silly #never have i ever #harry potter #marauders #marauders era #wolfstar #remus lupin #remus x sirius #sirius black #wolfstar headcanon #marauders headcanon #incorrect quotes #incorrect marauders quotes #incorrect wolfstar quotes

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kasterarts · 1 month

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I was "it" at the time, so I didn't know what happened... And you were bawling and wouldn't talk.

#witch's heart #claire elford #sirius gibson #witch's heart fanart #guys please please please play this game it's so good #I just finished Sirius's scenario and I have not shut up about it #I love Sirius Gibson so much #they mean the world to me #he pretends he doesn't care but he does #a lot #trust me on this #I want to give them both the world

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emxmarauders · 5 months

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Remus Lupin who was extremely close with and loved by his mum. Remus Lupin who would tell his mum everything. Except for being gay because he was scared of their reactions. Hope Lupin who secretly knew without being told but didn’t say anything until Remus told her. Remus Lupin who came out to Hope before Lyall because it felt easier. Both of them always love him no matter what.

Remus lupin who brought his friend Sirius black home for Christmas in 3rd year (James went on holiday). Hope Lupin who immediately saw that Remus viewed Sirius as more than a friend. Hope Lupin who knew before Remus knew. Hope Lupin who pretended to be surprised when Remus told her he and Sirius were dating in sixth year.

Hope Lupin who does nothing but support.

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jfleamont · 2 months

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Hey for your jily muse, out of order <3

Okay this is unforgivable, I know. You sent this prompt over two months ago. TWO. This ask has been sitting in my inbox since the 18th of January, so you probably won't even remember sending this but I promise you I've been thinking about it constantly and waiting to have free time to work on it and I have this tendency to leave things unfinished so this is me working through that as well lol

Without further ado, here it is ❤️

Out of Order - 744 words

Evans is in the boys' bathroom. She's in the boys' bathroom and she's crying.

One of her hands is gripping the sink, while the other fruitlessly wipes the tears that keep escaping.

She hasn't noticed his arrival, and Sirius doesn't bother clearing his throat. “I'm sure there's a perfectly logical reason for this.”

She makes a startled noise and turns to face him, her expression a mixture of anger and sadness. It's comical, really, so Sirius laughs.

“There is,” she mutters as she wipes her nose with the sleeve of her jumper. Her voice lacks the edge she usually aims at him— and at James, too, though Sirius can't help but notice a slight difference there.

He walks towards her and hands her his monogrammed tissue - he's never used it for this purpose specifically, but it has proved to be useful during the occasional prank or after a rough full moon - which she grabs immediately. She doesn't thank him, but he doesn't expect her to.

“Ah well, that's all I needed to know. It's not like you're invading my personal space or something.”

She lifts an eyebrow and eyes him curiously, looking more like her usual self. “I'm sorry, is there a plaque or an inscription that I haven't noticed? Does House Black monogram bathrooms as well as tissues?”

“Not that I'm aware of, no. Don't give my mother ideas, though, she might actually try to do that.”

She makes an attempt at a smile, but it quickly turns into a quiet sob.

“Apparently there can only be one crying girl per bathroom, and Myrtle has claimed the one across the corridor as hers so it's out of order,” she explains as she tries to regain control of her emotions, “and I thought this one was empty since everyone is heading down to watch the match.”

“You were right... for the most part. Why aren't you going then?”

“No reason,” she replies, her voice even, but she's not looking at him.

Sirius thinks he knows why. He suspects it has to do with the good luck kiss that Cornelia Kettleburn gave James at breakfast and how quickly Lily disappeared after that.

“Cool. I'm not going either. Fancy going to the Astronomy tower for a smoke?”

She looks taken aback. “I— wait, why aren't you going?”

In truth Sirius wants to go, and James is going to kill him for this, but lately he's been claiming that he no longer has feelings for Lily, and Sirius hates being lied to, so technically this is just payback.

“James got on my nerves so I'm skipping the match in protest,” he adds with a shrug and it's the truth, because it wouldn't be fair to lie. “So, are we smoking or not? Got a fag I can borrow?”

She's not an idiot: she knows this is an olive branch of sorts. Sirius can tell she's deciding whether to believe him or not; after a moment she sighs, and Sirius knows he's won.

“Haven't you got your own? Merlin, you're cheap,” she says while producing a pack of cigarettes from her satchel and handing it to him, a smirk on her face. He's glad to see that she seems to have calmed down significantly.

“I'm trying to quit so I stopped carrying them around,” he replies and grabs one, putting it in the breast pocket of his vest.

“Looks like it's working,” she notes as she fixes her appearance in front of the mirror and readies herself to leave the room.

“Absolutely.”

“Why are you mad at Potter anyway? Thought you two were inseparable,” she asks as she walks towards the door, a step ahead of him so that he can't see her face.

“Can't tell you, it's a secret.”

She huffs. “You lot are starting to sound ridiculous with all these secrets,” she whips her head towards him, her disapproval clear on her face, though he's almost certain this is just another way of disguising her curiosity. “Is this little group of yours a cult or something?”

“It's a counterculture,” he explains as he exits the bathroom, “how else are we going to beat those bigoted dickheads? The only way to fight a cult is with another cult.”

He's just joking, but the idea doesn't sound half bad to his ears.

Apparently Lily disagrees, because she snorts. Loudly. “Not sure about that logic but you do you, I guess.”

“Thanks for the support.”

“Anytime, Black.”

#thank you again for the prompt and I'm so so so sorry about the delay lol #I LOVE THIS FRIENDSHIP #does this count as jily? idk you guys tell me #I'd hate to spam the tag with non jily stuff but there's jealous Lily so I think it counts even if there are no interactions #jily #it's almost 2 am here :)#can't be arsed to check it for typos so I'll do that tomorrow goodnight folks x #jfleamont rambles #jple #jily fic #platonic blackevans #lily evans #sirius black

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resident-gay-bitch · 3 months

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Sirius Black has been in a whopping total of one relationship. In fourth year, he had a very lovely girlfriend by the name of Mary McDonald. He and Mary are still good friends and he adores her wholeheartedly, and their relationship was really just a bit of good fun.

Sirius Black has kissed a whopping total of sixteen people. All, except Mary, have meant nothing more than a fleeting kiss and a bit of fun. Fourteen of them have been girls, and two very secret ones have been blokes.

Usually, when Sirius gets kissed by whatever fling he’s having at that time, it’s because they want him to shut up. Sirius has a tendency to ramble. He goes on these long, extravagant rants about things that excite him or boil his blood. He gossips and rambles and chatters until his mouth is dry and his jaw hurts too much to say anything else.

He annoys people. He knows that. He’s working on it, slowly. He’s not getting very far, in all these years of trying. He knows this because when he talks for more than three minuets straight, his current make out buddy will just pull him into a kiss and shut him up for a while. And then, if he starts talking again afterwards, they’ll huff and roll their eyes and that’s when Sirius finally stops. He sinks in on himself and hides away and won’t say much about anything for hours.

Sirius only really gets spontaneously kissed when he’s being annoying. He knows this now. And he hates it.

He’s really trying, but he struggles. He struggles so much, it’s just so hard to shut up sometimes when you have such strong emotions like he does.

But he never expected to be too much for James.

He’s rambling, he knows he is. But James never seems to huff or roll his eyes. Sometimes it seems like he zones out and doesn’t listen, but Sirius honestly doesn’t even mind, because James is still there. He might be in his own head, but he’s always still there, and eventually he’ll tune back in and nod along and even ask questions which prompts Sirius to talk even more.

So when Sirius has been rambling for the better part of ten minuets, and James suddenly grabs him and drags him into a quick kiss, Sirius shuts down.

His best friend in the whole world just made him shut up. He’s even gotten insufferable to James. And he knows he’s going on and gossiping about things James doesn’t care about, but if he really doesn’t want to listen he could have just asked.

He didn’t need to make Sirius feel like shit about it.

And it doesn’t help that Sirius has been dreaming about kissing James for years now.

He shuts off, stops talking, and brings his knees up to his chest, “Sorry.” Sirius mutters, and closes his eyes for a moment.

He wants to cry, but he refuses to be so annoying in front of James.

“Sorry?” James asked, sounding confused and kind of offended, “Sorry.” James repeated, and he sounded kind of gutted.

He knows. The worst part is that he knows. He figured it out. He must have. He knows, just from one simple kiss that Sirius is madly in love with him, and that he too hates himself for talking too much. He’s just ruined everything with his inability to shut his fucking mouth.

James has probably been waiting for Sirius to shut up since he got into the dorm, and the only way he could figure out to do it was to kiss his mouth shut.

Sirius is going to cry. He can’t bring himself to say anything before he crawls out of James’ bed curtains and climbs into his own. He draws them shut and curls up under the covers, casting a silencing charm around him before crying himself a headache.

James pokes his head into the curtain after a while. And Sirius really tries his best to not cry more but he can’t help it, he’s so annoying that his cries outweigh the fucking charm.

Just like his mother said. Insufferable chatterbox. He should have let her sew his mouth shut.

“I’m sorry.” James said, sitting at the very end of Sirius’ bed, knees curled to his chest and cheeks stained with sticky tears.

Sirius couldn’t bring himself to say anything, too afraid it would annoy James more. He hates annoying his friends, especially James. Oh, James.

“I shouldn’t have-“ James cleared his throat, “I know we’re best friends, but… well, I suppose we’re not now. But you’re- you’re the one person I’ve always trusted, and you already know, so I’m just gonna say it, okay? I’m… I’m queer.”

Sirius tensed and looked at James, “What?”

“I’m queer.” James confirmed, “And I- I’m sorry I just… I thought maybe you- maybe you felt the same. Sometimes I wonder… when you… you look at me like- like I’m… I don’t know. It’s stupid. It’s all so- I’m so fucking stupid.” James sniffled, rubbing the back of his palm on his nose, “I don’t want to lose you over some stupid feelings, and I know you hate me. I’m sorry your stupid best friend is a queer, I know it’s- I’m… I’m sorry, okay. But I need you to know- I’ve always wanted you to know.”

“You’re…” Sirius sat up, pulling the blankets to his chest, “You’re queer?”

James nodded, “Please don’t tell anyone.” He looked at Sirius through glassy eyes, “Please don’t hate me.”

“James I-“ Sirius launched himself forward, placing his hand over James’ and squeezing it tight, “I’d never hate you. Never. Why would you- Jamie… I’m… me too, okay. I’m… I’m queer too.”

“What?” James sniffled, “You are?”

Sirius nodded, “But I don’t understand what this has to do with me… with me needing to shut up.”

“It has nothing to do with- Sirius…” James pleaded, dipping his head to search Sirius’ eyes, “Where did you get the impression I wanted you to shut up.”

“You kissed me, James!” Sirius defended, “People only ever kiss me like that when I’m being annoying- need to shut up. I… you found my stupid rambling so annoying that you needed to shut me-“

“I don’t find your rambling annoying or stupid, Pads- I’m… don’t you… wait- people do that? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I’m ashamed, obviously, James.” Sirius sobbed, bringing his hands to his eyes, “You’re stuck with a best friend who can’t shut his mouth. Why would I annoy you more by rambling about my petty problems that are entirely my own fault.”

“Because you’re my best friend.” James muttered, pulling Sirius’ hands away from his face, “And you’re meant to tell me these things so I can protect you from them… oh, Sirius, love, I’m so sorry.” James frowned and wiped some of Sirius’ tears away with the calloused pads of his thumbs, “I’m so sorry people treat you that way. I don’t feel like that, love. You know I enjoy your rambling, I love the sound of your voice. It brings me so much comfort.”

Sirius sniffled, “So why would you shut me up like that?”

“Sirius…” James tipped his head with coy smile, “I didn’t shut you up, love. I kissed you.”

“I don’t understand.” Sirius whispered.

“Sirius…” James pressed, “I kissed you.”

Sirius could only blink at him, the dots unable to connect themselves in his head.

James smiled, huffed a soft breath through his nose that Sirius took as an amused sort of laugh. They looked at eachother for a moment, and only a short moment before James was cupping Sirius’ cheeks and pulling him in close to kiss.

This time when James kissed him, it wasn’t to quiet Sirius. It was simply to kiss him. And James kissed him deeply, breathing a heavy sigh through his nose at first contact. His fingers dug deeper into the plush of Sirius’ cheeks and he opened his mouth, slipped in his tongue, and moaned a contented sigh. James kissed Sirius because he wants to kiss Sirius.

Because James seems to feel the same way.

“Oh.” Sirius muttered when the kiss broke, both desperate for air, “You fancy me.”

“Bingo, love.” James murmured, smiling dreamily up at him. His cheeks were flushed, his lips all wet and swollen, his eyes all glassy and soft. He looked positively chaffed to have just done that, and Sirius found his heart leaping out of his chest at the sight.

“You weren’t kissing me to shut me up?”

James shook his head, “I kissed you because every time you go one one of those rants I fight the urge to kiss you all over. Sometimes I even zone out completely and come up with a whole scenario in my head where I kiss you, and you kiss me back, and sometimes we shag and sometimes we don’t, and we lay in bed together, and I get to lay on your chest and listen to it vibrate as you ramble some more. Sometimes I imagine falling asleep to it, to you, because I love you, you make me feel safe. The sound of your voice makes me feel safe, Sirius.”

“Oh.” Came a shattered sob out of Sirius’ mouth, and he melted. James laughed at him softly, wiping the tears in Sirius’ eyes and pulling him in tight for a hug. He even went so far as to scatter kisses all over Sirius’ head.

“I promise I only interrupted you because I found you so unbelievably beautiful in every way that I simply couldn’t resist anymore. I’m so sick of holding back and waiting.” James leant down to kiss his brow, “I don’t want to wait anymore. I want you now.”

“I want you now, too.” Sirius muttered, curling into James, “You make me feel safe too, Jamie.”

“I know, love.” James chuckled, “You tell me all the time.”

Sirius blushed and wrapped himself tighter around James, “Can I kiss you again?”

“Yeah.” James muttered, and couldn’t stop smiling about it.

“I love you.” Sirius whispered as his lips brushed against James’. He pressed a singular, soft little kiss there before whispering more, “I’m sorry if I annoy you with-“

“You don’t. You can’t.” James promised, kissing him again, “Sometimes I wish I was the only person you’d ramble to, so I might get to be special.”

“You are.” Sirius smiled, “You’re the only person who doesn’t find it insufferable.”

“You’re the only person I’d never find insufferable.” James grinned and kissed him hard and deep again. It lingered for a while, the kiss, until their lips were swollen and they were panting for air. “You’re mine.”

“I’m yours.” Sirius promised, “The person I save my most special rambles for.”

James giggled, “And I’m yours. The person who could listen you nonstop talk for the rest of his life and never grow tired of you.”

“You’re mine.” Sirius agreed.

“Lay with me?” James asked, almost desperate sounding, “Let me lay on your chest whilst you finish telling me everything you wanted to say before?”

Sirius smiled and nodded his head, “And once I’ve finished that, I’ll ramble on about all the ways and reasons I love James Fleaumont Potter, because I’ve been dying to talk about that one for years.”

James kissed him through a smile, and they did exactly that.

★ ★ ★

OH MY GOD I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. SIRIUS DESERVES BETTER AND NOW JAMES IS GOING TO GIVE HIM EVERYTHING HE DESERVES AND MORE!!! THEYRE SO IN LOVE I CANT 😭😭😭

Someone find me a James to spontaneously be kissed by please and thank you

If you want to read more of my work you can find it all here :)))

Just tagging a few people who expressed interest in this little drabble, all my prongsfoot shippers have got to stick together in these sparse conditions I swear: @vintagetee13 @fiendishfyre @snarky-magpie @groundzero-v @lapassemirroir @siriuslycomplex

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seriousbrat · 3 months

Text

let sirius (and james) be mean

Obviously in SWM both James and Sirius are atrocious towards Snape but I think it's pretty revealing how mean they also are to their best friends, especially Peter:

And while I think James possibly grew out of his mean girl phase to some extent Sirius didn't, at least not fully. To be fair he's usually not outright rude unless he dislikes someone-- mostly, he's dismissive or impatient especially when someone says something he perceives as stupid, as well as being overall insensitive to the feelings of others.

In the prequel they're both fairly insensitive and rude to two terrified Muggles lol, I mean who cares and it's funny but there are examples of Sirius being something of a mean girl later on as an adult. obviously, the famous one:

and yeah you can defend this by saying he was stuck in grimmauld place and frustrated, bla bla bla, I do get it and I still love him and don't think it makes him a terrible person or godfather but objectively this is an incredibly mean thing to say to Harry.

Other somewhat minor instances that nevertheless paint a wide picture:

OotP (I'm leaving out his interactions with Kreacher bc those are self evident)

-------

he's also kind of dismissive towards Harry's feelings at certain points. A good example of this is the stiff "one-armed hug" and gruff goodbye he gives him when they leave for Hogwarts after christmas, or this earlier conversation:

Also, how he talks about Regulus. obviously it's somewhat justified since Sirius believes him to have just been a Death Eater, but he specifically calls Regulus stupid rather than just saying he was a bad person. This is interesting because it can be inferred that Regulus was not stupid at all, given that he figured out the secret of the Horcruxes. imo Sirius was too dismissive of his brother to actually know who he really was.

(and bonus him being snippy with Harry)

GoF

like this is probably true but it's still rude lol, as is this from OotP which has definite mean girl vibes:

so this on its own doesn't seem especially mean but it does come after Sirius has basically dismissed every single thing that Ron has said lol, even raising his hand at one point to shut him up. It's not the worst but imo does indicate his impatience with "stupidity" which we also see in SWM:

and James has this too:

imo this shared feeling of superiority and mutual delight in their own intelligence were big factors in his closeness with james.

ALL THIS TO SAY, Sirius was mean lol ESPECIALLY as a teen. my rude scorpio child. So I think when writing teen Sirius it's an important part of his characterisation (and James's) for him not only to be rude/disdainful to people he hates but also just generally. It's also why it's extra ridiculous that he's portrayed as dumb in fanon seeing as he's very often dismissive and judgmental to those he perceives as being of lesser intelligence.

And this isn't a criticism of Sirius at all, I love him and tbh his mean streak is one of the things that make him so fun to write for me. He's a beloved character and I understand the desire to paint him in a positive light, but he wasn't perfect. As others have said the friendship between the Marauders wasn't something idyllic and aspirational, it's a warning story to Harry. Furthermore, kindness towards Kreacher being something that helps them find the Horcrux is also a lesson for Harry.

Sirius's insensitivity to the feelings of others was what got him killed, his insensitivity and disdain for peter led in part to James and Lily's deaths too. it doesn't make him a terrible person, just a flawed one.

#sirius black #meta #anyway stupid himbo sirius black is my villain origin #but so is doe eyed sweetheart who would never hurt a fly sirius #like just let him be a mean girl #this isnt as long as it seems rip theres just a lot of excerpts.#sirius #he's even kind of blunt to james with 'put that away will you'#and i love him for it!#he was also an eldest child i rest my case (so am i dont be offended)

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