Life Update After a Few Days: October 18th, 2023 🎀

I’ve been a little busy with school, work, resting, and starting my workout routine back up, so here’s a little update!

I’m getting a tattoo soon! I know the aesthetic of my blog is pink and girly and coquette and I love everything that comes with the aesthetic and the lifestyle but I have an affinity for gothic style/spooky tattoos, so I’m getting a decent sized spider tattoo on my right thigh and I’m super excited! This is the first big ish sized tattoo besides the two small ones I have, and it’s the first tattoo appointment I’ve ever made so I’m really excited. A little anxious, especially for the shading portion of it, but I’m looking forward to how good it’s going to look when it’s finished and how much more confident it’s going to make me!

I’ve started working out at the gym again! My current schedule is three days of weightlifting (pull day, leg day, push day), and two days of just cardio. It feels so nice both mentally and physically to be taking care of myself like this again. I even bought some new workout shorts and gym clothes and I’m feeling better than ever! I’m focusing on improving my mental health right now and working out is doing wonders for me!

I’m working so much right now, but it’s worth it because I need the money for rent, tattoos, gym stuff, groceries, and whatever other necessities and wants pop up. I’m pulling doubles most Saturdays and it’s a little tiresome and energy draining but I’m managing pretty well. I won’t pull doubles every Saturday tho because that drives me straight into burnout and I’m trying to avoid that.

I hit 31 days on Duolingo and I’m at 28 days on Busuu, super proud of myself for keeping up with those two goals for now! I’m still working through the first two lessons of Genki and I’m still using the Kanji app but my studying has been a little bit more spread out because of my busy schedule. I’m trying to learn how to better balance multiple things without hyperfixating on just one and forgetting about everything else. I’ve noticed I tend to do that and that’s not the most productive thing for me.

I think I mentioned in a previous post that I spent a lot of money on stuff from Amazon (and Ulta) and most of it is here already besides the last couple Amazon items coming in today! I love the workout clothes I bought and the fitness/health tracker planner I bought is really interesting. I also got my language tracking bullet journal stuff in the mail so I am super looking forward to starting that up soon. Again, I noticed I tend to hyperfixate on one thing at a time but right now I’m trying to balance all my interests and things I need to do. My current “balance breakup” is: fitness/nutrition, Japanese language study, school/classes and academic success, work/making money, self care (sleep, skincare, reading, journaling, etc), boyfriend time, appointments, and chores/cleaning/housework. Sounds like a lot but there’s 24 hours in a day and 7 days in a week. Not everything has to be done in one day and as long as I manage my time efficiently, then I’ll be successful. I also try to take into account my energy levels, daily tasks, possible “curveballs”, and my current physical and mental/emotional well being. Flexibility is a must in my life but I do like having routines and things to stick to, plan and schedule wise.

I’ve been working on some posts ideas for this blog so it’s not just daily updates and stuff, but actual tips, advice, and my current routines and schedules too, to maybe help motivate and inspire you guys! I have some things in mind currently, so hopefully I can find the time to type them up and post them!

Thank you guys for 850+ followers! I never thought my blog could grow like this and I’m super happy it has! This community has given me such a safe and comforting place where I can just be myself without worry. I appreciate all of you so much!! I hope all of you have amazing days, amazing sleep, amazing skin, amazing grades, and that life is going great for all of you!

that’s pretty much all I have to update you on for now. I will be posting a Daily Check In tonight about how today went as well, to help me get back on track with posting!

til next time, lovelies 🩷🤍

Hey! Sorry for popping in as anon, I'm genuinely not sure if some of the things I'm going to say are going to be nice, and I am a coward. But this is regarding you quitting to post in the RA fandom. If you consider my opinion on this as unwanted/unnecessary, do not feel obliged to reply. (Though I honestly think you never feel like that anyway)

I first saw your art when I joined the RA tag a while ago, and I thought to myself: 'Huh. Nice art, not my cup of tea though.' Since then, you have changed my mind. Your obsession with TRR Will and repeated posting about it not only has changed my thoughts on your art (I've really grown to like it) but also on the character of Will himself. I was on Reddit during that massive TRR Will hate phase and some of these posts had really tainted my view. You changed that and I am so grateful for that. Not seeing your art anymore will be sad, but I suppose my own lack of interaction is to blame for that. I made my bed so now I sleep in it. Your reaction to stop posting is justified and understandable, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to miss seeing your TRR Will on my dash.

Who knows what the RA movie (if it ever does come out) will do to this fandom, but I hope that new faces might get things swinging enough again for you to rejoin the fandom. Lastly, I have to say that for me, you've been a legend in this fandom, and will continue to be one, even if you focus on other things from now on.

Well hello there, this was unexpected. First of all thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to write to me! The reception to that post has been overwhelmingly positive even though it hasn't been up for that long and it makes me feel very glad I finally pushed myself to write that official goodbye message.

I don't know who you are and I don't really have any guesses, your message implies you didn't interact with my posts a lot so maybe I saw you around only a few times (?), but you have no idea how much this means to me. Throughout most of my time in the fandom my main goal was always to change people's minds about TRR and more specifically, TRR Will. I've heard that I succeeded many times and honestly, that was one of the biggest reasons I could keep myself so pumped up about a book series I read all the way back when I was in middle school (<- an adult saying this)

Seeing people go from "Cool post, not my thing though." to "Well I can kind of see what you mean when you say it like that." to "I agree, this does sound pretty good!" was both my biggest source of pride and motivator here. Hearing you say I changed your mind just now has the same effect on me, it almost makes me want to rush to my computer to draw or write about Will.

Also, extremely bold of you to say you didn't like my art at first motherfucker /j

Speaking seriously though, my art style practically grew here. When I first joined the fandom I was NOT good; hell, I can't look past anything before July of last year still. Maybe it was just me improving artistically that helped you warm up to my stuff more. I really really hope the new artists have that kind of experience too! You get obsessed with a little guy and then your brain decides to level up as fast as possible. TRR Will is that little guy for me.

Your last words are so, so kind. The way you speak about me here in general is extremely kind. I'm glad I was able to leave a good impression. And you're right, maybe all I need is a break and when I come back this space will feel more fitting again.

Like I said, I still have lots of connections to this fandom via others. I'm still technically helping out with the Gathering stuff, so maybe I'll work on doing a prompt or two still! I'm also a mod in the NSFW server and I love that place, I'm not leaving it anytime soon. If more TRR books come out you can bet I won't be able to shut up about them anyway, if I don't make at least one post then assume I'm dead.

What I'm trying to say is, I'll be around! Our paths will cross again.

PS: The entirety of the RA subreddit can suck my dick. I'm gatekeeping older, experienced Will from all of them. None of them deserve him.

hello jordan. i hope you're doing well. it's been a while that i have sent you an anon ask. i used to be here a lot of times in 2021 but used to talk to you about bbg. i was fairly new and always had tooo many questions about bbg and you seemed be very very hopeful back in aug 2021 or around that time and it was good to talk to you. then shit went down with constant bbg push and ever since then till now i am quite confused about what the fuck is happening with Louis and his stunts. i am quite tired and i did notice that you are too. you aren't as active as you used to be. i hope everything is fine and you are happy and healthy.

i dont dig into these things these days but i saw the dm discourse and all this time even after everything that happened with bbg in 2021 up till now, i was hopeful it's leading towards the end but this is so disturbing and has been for a while with the way tomlinsons are being with F (Lottie pregnancy video also had mentions of F). I will never believe he his kid until and unless i get the positive dna test but i can't make anything out of it than we have been pushed under the bus again and it's a never ending circle.

i also read on a discourse that maybe louis wants us to believe he's his kid now. the way he's trying too hard but that just breaks my heart for the same boy who fought so hard and was able to not participate in this for four years is now okay to play dad roles all of a sudden. like that would be so bad. altho i agree that he made a conscious decision regarding what ever is happening with him and nobody is forcing him to do this on this level (like lot of blogs).

i liked your opinions on bbg always. they seem to console me. if you want to pls share your genuine opinion on why it's happening now? and where do you think things are leading?

because honestly i am only here till lt2 comes out and if things aren't better i am swearing on myself this shit is not worth my time. i would honestly just disappear in the general crowd of people who listen to their songs and then forget about them.

ps: did you get the job you were talking about? I think it's been few months since i last checked on you. also saw your new house, it's amazing. congrats!

this is such an amazingly articulated message, anon! i'm so happy you came back to talk.

first, thanks so much for asking about me! i am feeling so much more hopeful in my personal life rn. i got the job in a contract position and will move to salaried once the hiring freeze lets up in the company. getting out of my roommate situation has changed so much for the better just in the last week or so. i don't know what is going on with you, but i hope you are happy and healthy!

okay, onto the meat of it. yes, i was so hopeful. i mean i was cheekily so sometimes. like i didn't actually always think babygate was gonna "end today" but i did have hope it could still end by lt2.

anyways, i stopped engaging on tumblr as much because of many things, not just personal. ive become frustrated with the state of the fandom and i also just got more and more confused by HL's actions. i didn't have patience for the discourse and the clout-chasing and the biased opinions (i know i'm not immune to those things). basically ive still been very tuned in but just in private, on discord. i engage a lot still with their content but just in private because the fandom felt so different. i tend to know generally what the "fandom discourse" is on any given day but i'm a lot more detached because there are very few takes i can fully agree with anymore.

ive been very confused as to everything that has gone down since, i would say, April of 2021. and ive felt very conflicted by HL's choices since this past winter. i don't have the same interest in theorizing or expecting change as i once did because i don't see a particular pattern anymore. HL's motivations appear to be different and i'm not sure what to make of it.

as to the discourse... yeah those dms were something and that discussion blog is...um...ok....lol...

for me, the attacking of larries is not a matter of "he has done it before and it's to be expected". it's a matter of: it is 2022 and this is playing into his homophobic image which is no longer necessary for his closet and unhelpful for his career in current society. this isn't 2011 anymore. i know he did the same in 2017 but like??? he has left Syco, he had a tour filled with rainbows, he has young 14 and 15 year old queer women who look up to him. for me, there aren't excuses for specific things that have been done in the last two years. for both harry and louis. i feel conflicted about both of their actions in equal measure.

i agree about the apparent lack of fighting tbh. things feel wildly different than 2020. something has changed and i'm not sure what it is. it does feel like something happened that kicked off this extreme change in energy around spring 2021. as my friend Brenda says, it feels like we are missing a piece of the puzzle. that being said: it's been going on so long and it's gotten so bad and relentless that very little feels fun anymore. even compared to the start of louis's tour, something feels off. HL are less loud and less combative and less rebellious and even moreso since february 2022. even the larriebaiting we've gotten since then feels more passive and subdued.

i've gone through many emotions watching it all with my friends from angry to sad to heartbroken to apathetic. i've gone crazy enough to be reading them with my tarot deck on the regular, trying to make sense of why they've been doing what they are doing.

nothing will ever convince me out of what i know yo be true. nothing will ever convince me that louis is the father of freddie. even if he got himself a positive pat test, briana was never pregnant. nothing will ever convince me that their het images are real. for me, it's just becoming a question of how much i engage. i always felt appreciated and loved and connected as a fan even when shitty things happened. i cannot say i feel that way anymore. sometimes it feels like they want a shift in the fandom and i don't want to be in a place where i feel unwanted. this might mean i don't buy merch anymore or i only get one copy of the album or i don't engage in content creation anymore. i'm not totally sure what it means but if things keep up as they have the last year, i probably won't re-engage.

to answer your question of what i think this is leading to: fuck if i know. it's starting to feel like nothing. we could wake up next week to find out all this bullshit was leading to a custody case where louis ends it and then we get leaked pics of HL kissing during the dwd premiere ruining olivia's whole career. OR this could go on and on and we have to put up with louis using a full on child who is old enough to understand what's happening and has been exploited by his own family for promo of his new album while an independent artist and watch harry get engaged to olivia to sell a shitty movie advertised as all about female pleasure when's it really about hostage and rape. i just don't know anymore because everytime i thought they had a plan and a direction they were moving in, it just got worse.

to be perfectly clear: i'm always gonna love these two boys from the bottom of my heart. they are imperfect and have made many mistakes but i still love them. i'm never gonna doubt what i know about them up to this point. i'm always gonna think they are gay heroes intheir own right. i still believe they have been misled and are being talked into things by greedy and corrupt execs and managers. i'm never gonna think louis is a dad and i'm never gonna think harry is a womanizer. i'm gonna continue listening to their music. i am gonna buy lt2 (but tbh if bg ended, id buy five copies instead of just the one). i'll likely never stop keeping an eye on them even if from a greater distance. BUT i believe the mistreatment of the gay subset of this fandom has grown and has become less acceptable over time as they have gained more say in their promo strategies. i won't put an immense amount of effort and time and money into a fandom where i am constantly gaslit and made out to be insane. at the end of the day, no matter how fond i am of them and the way they fought, they are two extremely privileged white rich people who have been in this very fucked up industry since they were teens.

i hope that answers your questions. i know i really went on there but louis and his stunts make no sense to me and have not for a while. nor his social media activity. i think he could be scared and making really dumb decisions out of fear of losing the success he has had. but, of course, i really have no clue at the end of the day. in my opinion, he is being nowhere near as transparent as he once used to be.

sorry if there are a billion typos, i just typed this all out in one go on my phone lol

2023 Goals

2023 is going to be an exciting year of change for me. I’ll have a new job in a new country and I don’t really know what the future holds. So I don’t really know how much language studying I’ll be able to realistically do. I don’t know how much time I’ll have, I don’t know how time zones will affect my studying (Norwegian italki lessons may not be possible anymore). But I’m going to set a few goals anyway!

Japanese Goals

1) Reach a pre-intermediate level in Japanese

This is my primary goal for 2023. I’m going to be in Japan and I don’t intend to waste the opportunity to use as much Japanese as possible! I want to focus mostly on speaking and listening comprehension rather than studying kanji/reading for now, as I’ll need those more. Maybe in the latter half of the year of next year I’ll shift my focus to reading comprehension/writing.

Intermediate level would be awesome, but I don’t want to set my hopes too high. N4 (CEFR A2) is all I really expect to get to even with full immersion, but maybe I could get close to N3 if I really push myself. We’ll see! I’m currently around N5 (just about) I’d say.

2) Finish Japanese Short Stories For Beginners

I’ve read I think 7/20? It’d be great to finish all of them by the end of the year! Who knows, maybe by that point I won’t need to English translation at all (I can dream lmao)

3) Have a Japanese conversation class on italki without using English at all

This is a bit of an ambitious goal, but I’m setting it anyway. At the moment I frequently have to ask my tutors to break down sentences and explain certain words in English. But I’m so determined to get good at Japanese, especially seeing as I’ll be living in Japan!

Norwegian Goals

1) Maintain my B2/C1 level in Norwegian

Given I’ll be in Japan, I won’t be focusing so much on Norwegian the way I have in previous years. However, I’m not planning on throwing away all the progress I made! So I’m hoping to engage with the language a little every day, be it writing a journal or watching the news or reading an article. I’m planning to download some Norwegian ebooks onto my Kobo before I head off too.

2) Learn more idioms and natural ways of speaking

At the moment I still feel like my language is quite clunky. I can say more or less what I want to express, but I’d love to learn to speak in a more colourful way.

3) Write 10,000 words of fiction

In 2020 I nearly hit 15K. In 2021 it was around 7.5K. In 2022 it was 0. It was such a great way to learn and practise new vocabulary and I had fun doing it, so I’d love to try doing it again!

4) Finish reading 5 books in Norwegian

At the moment I’m reading Tante Ulrikkes Vei, so that’ll be book #1. The others I have lined up are:

Gode Varsler - Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman (Good Omens)

Hver Gang Du Forlater Meg - Linnéa Myhre

Flaggermusmannen - Jo Nesbø

Rødstrupe - Jo Nesbø

If it goes well, I’ll increase this goal.

Non-language goals

1) Improve my overall flexibility

I used to be super bendy and I really miss it! Given I’ll actually have a semi-regular schedule when I’m in Japan and I won’t be able to pole, I should be able to build a stretching habit. I’ll write more about some specific goals over on my sideblog @jo-jenova

2) Read 15 books

I’ve read disappointingly little this year. I’ve got into the habit of starting books, getting 50-ish pages in and then abandoning them. I’m not entirely sure what’s blocking me, but I feel like if I set myself a goal of finishing books, that might encourage me to push beyond that initial sticking point and build a habit of reading. I also have a new ereader, so hopefully that’ll motivate me to actually read!

3) Journal regularly

I used to journal more or less daily, but since I reached about A2 in Norwegian I’ve not really journalled in English because it felt like a waste of time. Why journal in a language I can already speak when I could be practising my target language? But I feel like it really helped me with writing, and I miss being able to write! So I’d like to get back into journalling in English, not just my target languages.

4) Learn new fans techniques (?)

I’ve not decided yet if I’ll take my fans with me to Japan or not (depends on how much space I have in my luggage!), but if I do, I’d like to spend some time building my techniques repertoire. Last year I set myself the goal of learning the following techniques:

Perfect antispin flowers

Simple body tracing patterns

Reels and weaves

Let’s see what happens this year!

~*~

That’s a lot of goals! But hopefully they’ll keep me focused. I’m feeling positive - I’m so ready to get back on track with my self-improvement journey! Let’s make 2023 a great year :D

Fall equinox 🍁🍂

Seasonal changes are an opportunity to reflect. As the seasons change, think about the changes in your life." She explains, "The fall equinox marks the start of a transition between the blooming of summer to the hibernation of winter.

It’s a time to be grateful for what you have acquired and what you have in your life and where you landed.”

I might feel like I am behind in life but everything happened the way it did for a reason. I don’t understand but I trust in it.

What I acquired

New job/ 1 year

Finally in a finance role where I am given more responsibility. It’s also a place where I have room to grow. I am in an environment where I can learn how to improve my communication skills and have to resources to take my career further. I can also find my way a little easier, and I have more inner direction on where I want to go.

The motivation to take my health seriously. I learned the importance of self care and just taking better care of myself in general. Before it would go in one ear and out the other. Now I see how it hindered me and made me self conscious

Put more focus on hair hair

Started eating regularly and gained healthy weight

Started my record collection

Started taking my spiritual practice more seriously and feeling like I have a new lease on life.

Found a new hobby that brings joy to my life. I’ve been enjoying looking online and in person.

What I have in my life:

Giving myself more grace. Having the courage to pick myself up after mistakes and just giving myself the room to make mistakes and learn from them.

A support system that will help me through the tough times and encourage me during the best times.

Found a hobby that I enjoy - I’m having the time of my life finding vinyl records. It gives me something to look forward to and fills up my time. It's such a rush when I find the record I want for a good price.

Where I landed:

I can handle my emotions better and I try not to let things derail my day. I understand that I will make mistakes, just try not to make the same mistake twice.

Working towards having more meaning in my life

Even though I did not take the big4 route, I still managed to land an entry level position with someone who did take the big4 route. It made me realize that my path is not going to be conventional but that doesn’t make it less than someone else.

Loving and accepting of who I am as a person and learning that how others feel about me is not really my problem.

All in all, I am beyond grateful for where I am in life and pushing to be more present and grounded. I have come a long way and sometimes I don't give myself credit or stop to celebrate my wins. 🍂

I feel so goddamn hopeless about the genocide in Gaza right now. Myself and thousands of others have been protesting here in New York for weeks now and I just feel like our voices aren't being heard. There's only so much I can do and even then it feels pointless with how my country is refusing to condemn Israel. I mean for fucks sake why do we even have elections if our representatives and President are going to just do what they want to do??? There are so many civilians all over the world begging for their governments to step in and help the Palestinians but it just seems to be falling on deaf ears. I'm not giving up but it just feels so defeating at times. سلام 🖤

thats amazing that u have been doing that anon, dont give up yet! i know it feels hopeless, but we cant give up so early on. right now, the way the western governments have been acting is causing the image they’ve created to shatter and its pushing people to stand up and fight harder, especially knowing this illusion of a true democracy where the people are respected, represented, and heard is being destroyed. try to also seek out the positive news regarding the situation. without people speaking as loud as they have, a pause on attacks wouldnt have been possible. more european nations are finally speaking up, too. more people are opening their eyes. when i feel similarly i just try to focus on the good news we’ve gotten and hope that it’ll keep getting better from there.

its exhausting but we are the lucky ones who arent facing those bombs and deaths the way palestinians are and there have been news that reignite some level of hope enough for us to keep pushing. ❤️ good luck and take care of urself, take breaks from time to time and look for uplifting news to keep urself driven and motivated and strong

How do you deal with loneliness ??

there are many ways to answer this that point to self care or mindfulness practices - long walks in nature or sitting by water always ground me and help me to remember there is a world outside of my own head. however i’m gonna answer in a more personal way if that’s ok, because this is something i’ve been thinking about a lot lately. so thank you for asking me this. it’s about to get very detailed right about now lol :)

for me, it depends on where the feelings of loneliness are coming from. i like spending time alone, and i’m very comfortable in my own company - so this means that whenever i do start to feel lonely, it’s usually in response to something that has happened; loneliness for me is often a response to feelings of abandonment/feeling forgotten or overlooked, being rejected in some way, or feeling misunderstood. (however, it isn’t always obvious at the start that something has triggered my loneliness, and it can feel like it’s creeping in over time. there is usually always a starting point or trigger though, and eventually i lock into what that is) It’s been really helpful for me to notice this, because an incident connected to any of these can take me from feeling totally content in my own company to feeling like something huge is missing; this can then lead to ideas about my overall value as a person in the lives of others/whether I will ever be understood or fully seen for who i am, or if i will forever feel disposable. and if many experiences like this happen in a short period of time, that compounded feeling of being an outsider can generate loneliness pretty quickly. 

recognising my loneliness is triggered by an experience and connected to an internal belief system has been really game-changing for me, because i can then view these thoughts and feelings as signposts to areas in which i still need to heal. 

at that point i also look at my behaviour: in response to feeling unwanted, have i began to withdraw from others? a lot of the times, the answer is yes. you’d think loneliness would push you closer to others, whereas for me i definitely isolate myself more, probably in the expectation that others won’t understand. after i’ve examined all of this, i allow myself to grieve whatever has been hurting me. how you do this is up to you, and is very personal to each individual - in my case this has also changed things for me, because my old method was to try to find a solution without giving myself any type of release. so this can be through crying, journalling, prayer, talking to someone you trust and allowing them to be there for you, even if you’re convinced nobody wants to be (because a lot of the time there are people who would love to hear from us that we don't think about half as much as we might focus on the ones who don't!) calling a helpline if you don't feel you have someone in your life who you’re able to confide in, therapy of course if thats available to you, exercise to get a physical release if you’re someone who stores grief or sadness in your body, and/or setting aside time to feel your feelings that doesn’t then become an ongoing period of detachment. throughout any of these, and particularly the last one, i pay very close attention to what I'm feeling and really listen to myself deeply - if i sense i need more time, i take that time. or if I'm feeling more ready, i then make a decision that i will seek out a comfortable level of engagement with the world without trying to distract myself from what I'm feeling, if that makes sense - so i might go somewhere where it’s busy, but not necessarily force interactions with people, while still doing a solo activity like reading or listening to music in headphones - the presence of life unfolding around me is a good reminder that there are always new opportunities to get connected if and when i want to. maybe a gallery is an option if i feel ready for stimulation or motivated enough to start paying more attention to the things I'm interested in (as loneliness can really disconnect me from the things i enjoy) Sometimes, something as simple as going to a different part of town or an area i haven’t been in a while is a great reminder that my current life story hasn’t always been what it is, and that there is always scope for change, new people and new experiences. 

if you’re someone who trusts easily and has a strong network around you, perhaps reconnecting to a community will be good for you - sometimes it's just as simple as being around people who are healthy and supportive. in my case, it begins as an inside job of getting to understand myself more and allowing myself to reconnect over time, that then leads to my readiness to be in the midst of people again. i also come to tumblr, as it really does feed me with a lot of thought-provoking positive reinforcement that i really value.  

so in summary i would say get curious about what is causing the loneliness, allow yourself to grieve any sadness that might arise in ways that resonate for you, pay attention to any shifts back towards connection and then take baby steps to reintegrate yourself with the world around you. i feel the most important thing is to be patient with yourself, allow the loneliness to teach you something about how you operate, and give yourself what you need when you need it. i definitely advocate for healthy relationships - if you have those, lean into them - if you don’t, you shouldn’t feel any less worthy of finding connection in other ways. overall i approach it as a balance of between the inner and the outer - sometimes in wanting to escape discomfort we can distract ourselves right out of a lesson, seeking fulfilment outside ourselves in ways that lead to more loneliness, or requiring other people to fill the gap for us. there are many people who are very sociable or who are rarely alone yet somehow still feel lonely, which suggests to me that there's often more to this than seeking out company. pay attention to what’s happening for you and allow yourself to be honest with yourself about what you need. 

when feeling low, it can be so easy to write ourselves off and believe the world feels the same way about us, but im starting to realise that's a distortion that grows when i dont open myself up to other angles about what im feeling. i am still a work in progress with this and learn new things all the time, so hopefully some of this is helpful for you. Know That You Are Loved by Cleo Sol is a song that i find really touching when i feel lonely, because it speaks directly to my fears in a really tender and heartfelt way. much love to you, take care and thanks for your message 💛

1/09/22

久しぶり! It's been a long time since I've written one of these.

I've taken quite a long break from both immersion and blogging, but I think based on my effort from August, I'm finally rested enough to start again.

So, let's dive right into it!

First off, what was I up to in the time I was away? It's honestly going to be a bit of a weird overview this time around, since I'm compiling six months worth of kinda immersing, but I feel its only right to also show my struggles with learning a language. I also pursued some things in real life such as opening a new business that I have been putting more focus on. It's a small venture, but I believe it has potential to be better, so please keep me in your prayers.

All graph images are from a Discord bot that I use to track my immersion for points in a language learning server called The Moe Way. Please feel free to join!

MARCH

February was a great month for me. I read and listened far more than I had ever before and I was and still am very proud of my effort. I think because I was about to hit my two year immersion mark, so I was pushing myself to the limit everyday.

I am quite the competitive person for things I truly desire, and so of course I wanted to beat my previous record. Unfortunately around my birthday in March, I came into a very rough patch which left me really questioning what it is I truly desired to achieve with my whole pursuit of Japanese. It didn't seem like the two whole years of dedication I've had (and the several other years I've tried to get past the beginner stage) for this language would come to fruition soon and if at all. This started my relapse into depression and my descent to, and I'm really sad to say, hopelessness.

Now at this stage I was still immersing quite a bit, but not as much as I had hoped. I still immersed everyday, but with varying consistency levels. I was also very much struggling to stick to one reading material at a time, not because they are disinteresting, but because I was losing my motivation, albeit slowly. By the time the month ended, I didn't even feel like it was worth talking about on my blog anymore, which was not the correct response obviously, but it was my reality and I had to deal with it in some way.

Reading material: Sakura no Uta, Stardew Valley (in Japanese), Steins; Gate, Summer Pockets

Listening material: Youtube, American Life Podcast, Hiikibiiki, Anata no Ban Desu, JP News

APRIL

I didn't give up just yet. With every new month, I always saw a sliver of hope and a chance to try again. The burnout was cruel though, and all my energy tapered off halfway through the month. This still wasn't a bad effort. If anything it looked like my minimum immersion amount when I was just starting, so looking at it now, I can at least still give myself a pat on the back for trying. I also hung out a lot in Discord voice chat and joined immersion streams a lot more so I didn't feel as if I quit entirely.

Reading Material: Fate/Stay Night, Umibe no Kafuka

Listening Material: Youtube, CardCaptor Sakura

MAY

May was my whitenoise era. I talked to my Discord friends a lot, tried every possible thing I could if I found the energy for it, but ultimately was just not in the mood for Japanese, and even if I was, I could not understand anything to save my life which felt like how it was when I was at the height of my depression for every language I knew. The disappointment I felt in myself was unreal and I'm glad I at least had some friends who understood my struggles.

Reading Materials: Shingeki no Kyoujin, Fate/Stay Night, Umibe no Kafuka

Listening Materials: 1 Litre no Namida, CardCaptor Sakura, 100 Man no Onnatachi

JUNE

I don't even have a graph for this month. I mostly just hung around with friends whenever they streamed. I was so excited by a bunch of new reading material, but I was in whitenoise hell and couldn't even enjoy them.

Reading Materials: SpyxFamily, Hakuoki, Fate/Stay Night

Listening Materials: 461 Ko on Obentou, Youtube, Hajimete no Atsukai, Kung Fu Panda 1 & 2 dubs

JULY

Once again, don't have a graph. The worst month of my language learning journey. I swear I have given more effort to studying with textbooks than whatever happened this month. Did however try reading out loud on stream again, and just had fun laughing at my silly pronounciation mistakes with a friend.

Reading Material: Ohayou Ibarahime

Roudoku Material: Akaya Akashiya Ayakashino

AUGUST

And so we finally arrive to August. I felt so much shame and disappointment, nearing my 2.5 year mark without much to show that I tried really hard to correct it with some success! Again, of course it could be better, but with the help and encouragement of friends, at least I'm trying again.

I read 105,126 characters of Fate/Stay Night on the 10th of August and that gave me so much hope that not all was lost. I also crossed the 1M character mark on it which is a really good milestone to reach after struggling for so long. I may still have tripped this month, but it was still way better than the month previous.

Reading Materials: Fate Stay/Night, Sakura no Uta, Shingeki no Kyoujin, Stardew Valley

Listening Material: Porco Rosso

Moral of the Story?

Burnout is real. Depression and anxiety are the worst. Take care of your mental health. Learn when to take breaks and when to distance yourself from things that make you feel bad about your progress.

Find people who you can trust and rely on. Find new hobbies! Pursue new goals! Don't quit and never stop trying.

I love this language. I may have struggled, but I am stronger for it. One day, I'll find my footing again, but for now, just knowing that I have come so far and that I can still have fun and improve this skill is more than enough.

-☆-

Thanks for reading, and I hope that you who waited for me and took the time to read are doing well. ʕ•̀ω•́ʔ✧

How do you deal with or avoid artist block &/or burnout?! <8O

Hmm, I don't think I've ever really had 'artist's block', or at least to the extent people describe it. Or maybe I do and I just don't see it as artist's block, idk. I will say that what I'm about to say is comin' from the perspective of someone who ain't doin' it as a career and mostly keeps it as a passionate hobby.

I do from time to time feel a creative lull where I don't feel particularly inspired or have any real urge to draw, that's a completely normal part of bein' creative and it's unavoidable. I think also sittin' round and constantly thinkin' 'oh no I've got art block' only exacerbates the problem n doesn't help, it's just passive pessimism. Part of dealin' with it is acceptin' the fact you're in a lull and just, go off to do other things. Do other hobbies, play a new game, go outside, watch a series, read a book, anythin' that isn't makin' art basically. These art block periods are a good opportunity to search for new inspiration and I find eventually, either from doin' one of these things or just lettin' the creative lull simmer for a bit, you'll find a lil nugget that gives you an idea that you really wanna draw. There's gonna be times where you feel ya can't draw or everythin' that's comin' out sucks and that's fine, just take a break if you can. Sometimes I still feel the itch to draw durin' these periods and instead of tryin' to make somethin' exclusively from my brain/original I'll do studies, animal portraits, fanart, basically just somethin' that isn't as mentally intensive as doin' entirely original stuff. That and also mindless doodling, drawing with no vision or goal in mind n just lettin' your hand draw what it wants to draw. Another thing you can try is different mediums, sculpture, 3d modelling, embroidery, ect. It's good for the soul to try out different things, and the good thing bout tryin' somethin' new to you is you can't expect it to be good, so it doesn't matter if it looks bad. Makin' bad art is good for you actually.

As for avoiding burnout, again I'm speakin' from the perspective of someone who isn't doin' this as my job so I only draw when I feel like drawin', which just happens to be pretty often. In fact not doin' it as my job is probably one of the best things I could've done in avoiding severe burnout, I did commissions for a few years and the burnout was Real (not to put people off from doin' commissions it just wasn't for me). These days I feel I'm constantly operating on low energy and as a result I don't really do a whole lotta 'big finished illustrations' anymore, at least not as often as I used to. I don't really try to push myself beyond the energy levels that I have and as a result I feel I create stuff generally a lot slower these days than I used to, and that's fine! Just gotta accept it and move on. Also just doin' sketches is fine! Don't gotta do fully finished paintings n whatever all the time. Also be realistic about your goals n projects, if you wanna make a 300 page comic n you haven't even completed a single 1 page comic then you're just settin' yourself up for failure. You can still have your 300 page comic idea but focus on makin' multiple much much smaller comics first, you'll feel a lot better and more motivated havin' completed many smaller projects than only havin' that one massive unfinished project loomin' over your head, and it'll train/prepare you for makin' that bigger project. This applies to any sort of creative project, comics are just on the brain right now. Bein' realistic with yourself n not biting off more than you can chew, n lettin' yourself have breaks helps with burnout a lot. I also almost exclusively these days just doodle my characters, so it helps to just draw the things you really wanna draw, especially if you're just a hobbyist. Nothin' kills motivation more than constantly makin' yourself draw shit you simply don't wanna do.

This gotta kinda long but basically my advice just boils down to just chill out, creative lulls are normal, be kinder to yoself, hopefully somethin' in there helps ya out.

I’ve been having a major meltdown because I’m in such a writers block right now!

Do you have any tips to get out of it?

I have several tips, which have worked for me in the past. Hopefully something here will help you out!

1. Do something else for a while

My experience has been that sometimes writers block is a product of feeling stuck in a rut. I don’t just mean your creative brain is stuck (even though obviously it is) but in other ways, too. Have you been doing repetitive tasks? Had a lot on your mind? Shake up your thought patterns with an interruption.

I’ve managed to do this one before, just by going to visit a new coffee shop that opened in my area. Sometimes I go to the gym or jog on a new route. When I’m in really bad shape… I go trail running. (There’s a huge national forest close to where I live so finding a trail to run is easy.) It works, because I find running trails so miserable I’ll come up with a writing idea just so I have an excuse to go home.

2. Understand your brain needs a break

Here’s the kicker about writers block - it can be a symptom as much as a disease. Are you burnt out in other ways? Tired? Uninterested in your normal hobbies? If you are, I recommend you consider seeking outside help.

Mental health statement delivered, the other explanation here is that you need time to get your thoughts in order. Steven King calls this “the boys in the basement.” What he means is that even when a writer’s brain doesn’t appear to be working, it’s still running on a lower level. Your subconscious is plotting out your next project and finding kernels of excitement.

When those ideas are ready to come out, they will. Trust your brain and let it think for awhile.

3. Coax yourself, setting tiny goals

This trick is my superpower.

Having ADHD, you learn to break tasks into bite sized chunks. It helps you know you can have a stopping and restarting point when a distraction inevitably comes along. The pomodoro method of working 25 minutes, then resting for 5, works wonders for me. It gives your brain permission to get distracted but also pushes your focus to the forefront since you’ve already set aside future time for the distraction.

Setting a goal to write 200 words is an achievable thing for most people. I’ll do this and say, “once you hit 200 words, you can have another coffee.” It’s a small goal and a small reward. What I find when I do this is that once I can get 200 words down on the paper, there’s 400 more waiting to follow. Even if you just write 200 words a day for 5 days, that’s 1,000 words a week. If you did that for a year you’d have more than 50,000 words - an entire novel by most definitions!

Large tasks like writing a story, renovating a kitchen, or training for a marathon, can be broken down into smaller tasks. Pick one of the smaller tasks and accomplish it. This helps you keep motivated and often leads to you doing more than you’d intended to. Lastly, always remember to reward yourself when you’re doing the coaxing method!

4. Get feedback

I’m the queen of telling myself that my writing sucks and I’m a failure. However, most often it’s not true. My perspective on sucky writing has shifted as I’ve published and shared my work.

Everyone’s first draft of a novel is terrible. No two ways about it, when you try it the first time, you’re getting in a warm up. For long fiction there are too many things to balance out - pace, character, plot, sub-plot, motivations of characters… first drafts are okay to screw up. Just keep your spark alive, set small goals, and see what happens.

When you’ve got something going, have someone else read it. I’ve always been most comfortable doing this online. As the author, you’re often too close to the project to see it’s strengths and weaknesses. Fresh eyes are an amazing tool to use to help you find new ideas when yours turn stale.

5. Switch projects

Don’t hate me for this one. It has to be said. Writers can have amazing ideas but we’re not always good at knowing when to let go. My solution to this has been not to let go, but “set it aside.”

We all have the challenging point where writing becomes less fun and more work. This is where the craft of writing comes into play. You have to keep pushing through the difficult sections - but it shouldn’t all be painful. Knowing how to set small goals and just keep going is essential.

But there’s also a point when your idea isn’t going to work out. Maybe it will in a few months, or years, but for right now you need something fresh. I fully support mixing up projects now and again. When I do it, I avoid thinking of it as “quitting” by moving the project into a special folder labeled “future reference.” What I mean by labeling it that is I’m going to pull this up again and revise it once I know how to make it work. But for now, I’m not at the level of skill my project demands. Future me, though? She’s an amazing writer who has the skill to pull that story off.

Finally, I’d also recommend looking at what other writers have said about the craft. There are some great sources for this which are free online. Learning about crafting a story with good structure is just as important as finding the time to write.

I wrote about my perspective on writing awhile ago. The series was never quite finished, but if you’re interested, you can read it here.

Here’s some YouTube videos I enjoyed:

Sainz says he learned more in challenging 2022 than in any year since his rookie season

Ferrari driver Carlos Sainz feels he learned more from his rollercoaster 2022 campaign than any other since arriving in the sport seven years ago, saying he will “take the positives” into next year. Sainz joined the F1 grid with Toro Rosso (now AlphaTauri) back in 2015 and, after team mate Max Verstappen secured promotion to the senior Red Bull team, the Spaniard was forced to look elsewhere to progress his career. Off the back of encouraging stints with Renault and McLaren, exiting the Red Bull family in the process, Sainz landed a seat at Ferrari alongside Charles Leclerc for 2021 and managed to outscore him during their first season as team mates. READ MORE: Ross Brawn on a stellar 2022 season, pride at seeing F1 ‘as strong as it’s ever been’ and his next chapter However, 2022 initially proved more challenging for Sainz as he struggled to take to the F1-75 – and F1’s all new regulations – as easily as Leclerc, with retirements at Albert Park (spinning out) and Imola (a clash with Daniel Ricciardo, after crashing in qualifying) giving him a mountain to climb in the championship. Sainz found himself stuck in the gravel at the Australian and Emilia Romagna Grands Prix Steady progression saw him gradually cut the gap to his team mate, with his first pole position and victory coming at the British Grand Prix, only for Red Bull to make gains on Ferrari in the development race – meaning a title push was never a realistic prospect. Asked to reflect on 2022, and what he’s learned from the up-and-down experiences, Sainz said: “A lot, to be honest. It’s been a very challenging start to the season with me immediately on the back foot and heading into challenges that I probably didn’t expect to have. “But I’m honestly very proud, the way that I recovered the season, the way that I managed to stay motivated, even with all the ups and downs that I had, with all the setbacks that we had. READ MORE: Ferrari say Mercedes’s late-season speed was ‘not a surprise’ and feel they should have won a race before Brazil “As a team, as an individual, with so many DNFs, we still managed to turn the season around and now I’m driving again at the level that I know I’m able to drive. I’m going to take the positives and keep that as a positive.” Sainz bounced back from a difficult start to the season with pole position and victory at Silverstone Given how much he had to adapt his driving style to suit the 2022-spec Ferrari, and following his particularly tough start to the season, Sainz feels that only in his debut F1 campaign did he learn more over the course of the year. “I think in that sense, it’s been the year that I’ve learned the most since 2015 –that was my first year in Formula 1. Then I had tougher and easier years, but never such a challenging year as 2022,” commented Sainz, who wound up fifth in the drivers’ standings, three places and 62 points behind Leclerc. “I found myself in a position where I was driving with this car, I was constantly off the pace in the first five, six races, and I had to fight a lot to change some things in my driving, some things on the car, try to get the car a bit closer to my liking. READ MORE: Jeddah Corniche Circuit announce track changes ahead of 2023 Saudi Arabian GP “Also, [I had to] stop having some muscle memory on the way I drive and reset a bit the way I was driving, and it took a long time. But then, as soon as it happened, I felt like I had done a big step forward as a driver in my skills, in my development, and I had learned a load.” via Formula 1 News https://www.formula1.com

❝ imagine what we could do together. ❞  / apollo & sookhee

stranger things s4 meme ( accepting ) + @tucuerpo // apollo

He invites himself along, doesn’t he? As she’s on the way out, there he is, all CASH AT HAND wanting to see her in action, or so he says. More like, she can tell, he wants to secure more time than she’s got for Chicago, a fair enough move, made by someone with a dangerous mind, and far too much money. “What. You want to play my newfound lover? Mr and Mrs Smith, as I work on a contract?” nobody’s meant to watch her work, isn’t that the whole point to begin with? And alongside him, she feels that odd twinge within her stomach, that concern that she ought not to be feeling, that something might happen to him, the way that, bad things always happen to the people that she cares about. But with him, it’s all too soon, there’s no way it’s devolved to that level yet, she refuses to admit it, wants to push and pull in vague frustration at the idea of it, to prove that he was nothing, that they were nothing.

A kiss on the cheek in the lounge at the airport. 6 hours, and they’re in Europe, a pause that she asks for him to wait for her, just wait here as she went to the bathroom, changed out for new clothes, a new wig. Everything about her was meant to be SWITCHED at a moment’s notice, the slick glamour that she’d arrived with him in, stripped down for bulky sweaters, glasses perched nondescript at the edge of her nose. She returns, her bags too, having been flipped and switched, emerging now without the same somber appearance that drapes her with a scowl, instead reaching for his hand, as if it were the most natural thing in the world, pulling him along with her as her things glide behind her, her voice low, when explaining what’s to come for them both. “There’s an apartment I rent here. Flop house, people come and go. The space is clean, at least, and we can wash up there. Tonight we’re going to be attending a museum event. The target’s a local gangster, old money, family ties. They made the wrong enemies tonight.”

             ❝ imagine what we could do together. ❞ 

The comment cuts her cold, for a moment ; it’s not as if she hasn’t dared to think of it, but to hear it makes it all feel a little realer, a little more terrifying. Because he couldn’t get involved in this, could he? The serial killer with all that gossip swirling around him back home, the girlfriend who dies, the tragedy of his brother. Everyone’s meant to feel sorry for him, but his story attracted eyes, which attracted an attention that NEITHER OF THEM could afford. And what happened with the last one that she’d allowed in, that peak between the curtains, to that which operated beneath the floorboards? Dead and gone, along with her daughter, the emotion leaves her choked, cuts her off. “Don’t be a fool. Our motivations are completely different.” the words snap from her mouth, unpleasant, unfair. Palm squeezing tighter to his, but it was hard to tell if it were in apology, or fierce reminder. “Besides. I’m far more interested in trying to tear a piece of you off myself to see who’d come out on top. Why would I ruin that with business?”

Aizen Power Supplements: A Game Changer for My Fitness Journey

Having always been interested in optimising my fitness routine, I was intrigued by the claims of Aizen Power Supplements. After reading numerous testimonials and conducting my own research, I decided to give them a try. Here's my experience with Aizen Power Supplements and how they've positively impacted my health and well-being.

Enhanced Strength and Stamina

Prior to using Aizen Power Supplements, I often felt fatigued during workouts, hindering my ability to push myself further. However, since incorporating them into my regimen, I've noticed a significant increase in both strength and stamina. I can now lift heavier weights for more repetitions, allowing me to achieve new personal bests and experience a more challenging and rewarding workout. This newfound endurance has also translated into other areas of my life, keeping me energised throughout the day.

Improved Recovery Time

Muscle soreness after intense workouts is a common occurrence. In the past, it would take days for my body to fully recover, limiting the frequency of my gym sessions. Since using Aizen Power Supplements, I've witnessed a dramatic reduction in post-workout soreness. This allows me to recover faster and get back to training sooner, maintaining consistency and accelerating my progress.

Natural and Safe Ingredients

One of the biggest factors that drew me to Aizen Power Supplements was their focus on natural ingredients. I prioritize using products that are safe and free from harmful chemicals. Aizen Power Supplements transparency regarding their ingredient list instilled confidence in their product.

Overall Well-being

Beyond the physical benefits, Aizen Power Supplements have had a positive impact on my overall well-being. The increased energy levels I experience have translated into a more positive and productive outlook. I feel more confident and motivated to tackle my daily challenges, both in the gym and beyond.

Conclusion

In conclusion, Aizen Power Supplements have become an indispensable part of my fitness routine. They've provided me with the tools I need to reach new heights in my training while promoting faster recovery and improved overall well-being. If you're looking for a natural and effective way to enhance your workouts and achieve your fitness goals, I highly recommend giving Aizen Power Supplements a try. They've been a game changer for me, and I believe they can be for you too!

Disclaimer: It's important to consult with a healthcare professional before starting any new supplement regimen. This review is based on my personal experience and may not be representative of everyone's results.pen_sparktunesharemore_vert

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Aizen Power Supplements: A Game Changer for My Fitness Journey

Having always been active, I recently decided to take my fitness goals to the next level. While I prioritize a healthy diet and consistent exercise, I was interested in exploring natural supplements to support my training. After some research, I came across Aizen Power Supplements, and let me tell you, they've been a game changer.

Increased Stamina and Endurance:

One of the most noticeable improvements I've experienced since using Aizen Power Supplements is a significant boost in stamina and endurance. My workouts used to leave me feeling drained by the end, but now I can push myself further and for longer. This allows me to get more out of each training session, leading to faster progress towards my fitness goals.

Improved Recovery Time:

Anyone who works out regularly knows the importance of proper recovery. Aizen Power Supplements have definitely aided in this aspect. I used to experience post-workout soreness that lingered for days, hindering my ability to maintain a consistent training schedule. Since incorporating these supplements, my recovery time has noticeably decreased. This allows me to train more frequently and experience less muscle fatigue.

Natural and Safe Ingredients:

When it comes to supplements, I prioritize natural and safe ingredients. Aizen Power Supplements impressed me with their commitment to quality. Their formula is packed with natural extracts and vitamins, giving me peace of mind knowing I'm putting only the best into my body.

Enhanced Focus and Drive:

Training takes both physical and mental strength. Aizen Power Supplements have played a role in boosting my focus and drive during workouts. I feel more alert and motivated throughout my sessions, allowing me to stay concentrated and push through challenges. This mental boost has significantly improved the overall quality of my training.

Overall Satisfaction:

Overall, I'm incredibly satisfied with the results I've achieved since incorporating Aizen Power Supplements into my fitness routine. The increased stamina, improved recovery, and enhanced focus have all contributed to a more productive and enjoyable training experience. If you're looking for a natural supplement to support your fitness goals, I highly recommend giving Aizen Power Supplements a try. Just remember, as with any supplement, consult with your doctor before starting a new regimen.tunesharemore_vert

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I’m what you can call a perfectionist. I’m obsessed with always being productive and finishing my enormous to-do list, and somehow still have time for socializing. I expect myself to wake up, sit down for 2 hours straight, finish all my tasks, go to university then come back and study for 6 hours, and write my story for 2 hours before bed.

This is the perfect day in my imagination, but I know this day doesn't exist in real life.

I’m sure you are also the same as me. You can dream up the perfect plan and work as fast as you can, and you still wouldn’t live up to your impossibly high expectations. My best day in the week involves a couple of hours of wasting time on social media and staring into space with no purpose. I know that is fine, but my brain doesn’t think that.

It thinks that this happens because I’m not trying hard enough. It tells me I’m lazy, useless, and stupid for wasting time like this, and honestly, I believe it. I believe that I’m not trying hard all the time, but so what? These couple of hours I waste are for recharging, taking my breath, and giving me the energy to continue to work hard.

There is no shame in taking some time off now and then. There is no shame in taking a break to read something fun, play a game, or watch a short video (as long as you don’t fall into endless scrolling). There is no shame in giving yourself a treat after you have reached your word count for the day.

We shouldn’t push ourselves like that. We try to be perfect. We try to prove to ourselves and everybody else that we can live the perfect life. The truth is that we treat time like it is the ultimate enemy of our dreams of living our perfect lives.

The more we try to defeat time, the more burnout we become. This strategy will work against us. We are better off treating time as a good friend who wants to push us to become a better version of ourselves.

We also need to know exactly how much time a task needs to get completed so we don’t underestimate or overestimate our level. The time we need to complete a task depends on many factors such as our mood, motivation, energy level, and proficiency.

In short, time is important, but we can’t be in a constant race with it every single day. We don’t need to finish all the tasks in a single day by ourselves. We can ask for other people’s help, and we can split things up on multiple days so we don’t feel overwhelmed, especially with tasks that are new to us.

Starting something is not the easiest thing in the world, so it is better to give yourself lots of time and as much help as possible to get it done with the least resistance.