feels really awful not drawing my red energon necklace on me anymore. it also feels awful when I do draw it though, like i used to feel rly happy bc it's a reminder of how loved TF made me feel but now it's just a reminder that i've lost it and i'm! always! scared i'll never get that back! i keep trying to imagine starlight would want me to wear it but its so fucking hard to imagine him being kind towards me when i have months of trauma and abuse that have convinced me the exact opposite. that's why im making so much fanart instead of self ship. thats why i still only doodled one (1) ship art w/ ken and i'm facing away from the camera bc i cannot stand to draw myself with or without the necklace. i hate thinking about it i hate lingering over that empty area. i hate missing him. i fucking hate missing him. im not supposed to miss any of those characters like this. this was never supposed to happen to me. i didn't deserve ANY of that shit my abuser put me through. i just want everything taken away from me to finally be mine again

It honestly blows my mind that endos,

who have in the past, are doing right now and will continue to do in the future continue to admit they are faking for attention or that they intentionally wanna fuck up diagnosis criteria for "medpunk" purposes or just admit they never had did or endogenic systemhood or anything system related they just wanted to feel special and different or their new controversy of the month anddd....

genuinely expect did/osdd people to remotely respect their community as a whole with their problems with racism, fakeclaiming, abuse and openly admitting to being transabled aka willogenics. You are no different from the people claiming to be transautistic or transrace and I will respect you just about as much as i respect them... which is to say none at all lol

You dont have my respect because I don't respect ablesits. Why is that so hard to understand? I don't have to justify to white people why I don't want them in my poc spaces why TF would I have to jusitfy to you, sweet pea??/sar oh and yes sweetie my personal spaces are disabled safe spaces making them hostile to ablesits which is why youre on my DNI

"but but but what about confused did pple who think they are endo?! Arnt you being hostile to them??🥺" Yeah cause homophobic closeted gays are still homophobic, dumbass. They still arnt safe people. Blair white?? Hello?? Did you collectively forget that oppressed people can oppress others??? Not to mention ur "Endo safe spaces" are just fuckin discords and dms. That's not a safe space, ur heads are blown up 💀 ur 100 person discord is not a "community resource" bruh 💀💀💀 ur ego is embarrassing

Literally shut up and go back your Barbies, babes.

Since y'all wanna play pretend and not actually get shit done and keep spaces for trauma survivors safe from what is often abusers. No wonder your so thirsty for did approval, your that damn grandpa from SpongeBob all dried out crying out rivers over 30 follower blogs with "endos DNI :) not fakeclaiming, just triggered due to community abuse" on their pinned posts "excluding" you.

Yall have not faced a day of genuine ablesit oppression in your lives 😭 comin' off as white teens in gentrified neighborhoods in the middle of fuckin California complaining cause the neighborhood Karen looked at your blue hair for 2 seconds too long but didnt say shit to you, sure jan

I don't remember the emoji but this is a vent. I think it was this one 💙 i don't mean everything I said but seriously.... Fuck endos man. Fuck that community and their lgbtization of systemhood, coining "origins" like they are remotely comparable to real shit like xenogenders... Y'all make systems look like jokes.

💙 - Vent

DISCLAIMER: Posts may or may not reflect accurate information. More info here: https://www.tumblr.com/syscourse-confessions/728819621058232320/disclaimer-treat-posts-here-like-you-would-any

when tfs came out I saw jokes saying that haru was literally possessed by albert and that's funny af but it also made me want to tell how, for me, this is comparable to one of my bpd episodes.

spoilers for free! the final stroke part 1&2.

first of all, disclaimer: I'm not trying to speak for all the people with bpd because we're all different. I'm just going to share how I related the scene (and haru) to how I experience my own episodes.

for those who don't know: "bpd" refers to "borderline personality disorder". is a mental disorder characterized by unstable relationships, intense mood swings, fear of abandonment, intolerance to be alone, frequent feelings of emptiness or boredom, and other symptoms. we don't really know what causes this disorder, but it's believed that shit like abuse (physical, emotional or sexual), childhood neglect, unstable family life or even genetics are part of the reasons.

anyway.

in an episode the symptoms vary by individual, but in my case they usually start after attacks of anxiety or anger, and sometimes due to depression. the most common trigger for me though is the feeling of abandonment, and jealousy.

the thing with bpd is that we tend to get extremist. like, a lot (this is known as splitting). for me sometimes "I forgot to tell you that I won't be able to see a movie with you today, sorry!" can mean "I don't care about you and I don't want to be with you anymore". a simple problem can turn into something bigger and affect my head in an atomic way.

(and here we must take into account that negative experiences or emotions carried over and accumulated from before make things much worse. in this case, I mean that haru already has very bad memories regarding rin stopping swimming when he's involved).

so, what happened here? well, exactly that. haruka felt safe because he thought rin would be by his side and he was brave enough to actually tell him (something we know haru has a hard time doing), so when he found out what was going on, his mind took it as something IRREPARABLE.

haru's mind thought "I'm completely alone, rin left me, he doesn't want to be with me anymore, he abandoned me again" instead of "rin is not going to swim with me this time".

although rin was only sacrificing swimming together in the present to be able to do it later in the future, with a long-term mindset, haru took it as a rejection. the terrifying idea of ​​abandonment and the feeling of rejection was the trigger, and from that moment on, haruka's head no longer understood reasons.

it is worth mentioning that it's not the first time haru has acted like this. in fact, most of his conflicts throughout the seasons and movies share similar roots: abandonment, the feeling of loneliness, or some of his close relationships going their separate ways from him.

it happened with his best friend, it happened with his family, it happened with ikuya, and more than anything... it happened with rin. and the thing is, with rin it's always more intense, I mean, we have to remember that after all, rin is the reason why haruka was, canonically, in a depressive episode for 4 years. it's to be expected that being involved in this type of situation with him affects haru a fucking lot.

a clear example in S1, when rin (also with depression at the time, 100% confirmed) wanted to "move on" by getting rid of haru, and we can literally see how the light escapes from his blue eyes, totally hopeless and heartbroken. haru is NOT able to accept the idea of ​​rin abandoning him. for haru the world ends the moment rin even mentions walking away, or stopping swimming, or anything similar, as seen several times.

long story short, for me haru has symptoms of bpd.

and what happens during an episode? well, I get irrational. my emotions are at 300%, I'm defensive, I explode with little provocation and I speak without thinking. haru felt hurt and that was exactly what he did, and in HIS head he was totally justified.

sometimes, in that fragile state of mind, it's... easy to say out loud all the stupid, negative, aggressive and hurtful shit you could think of. haru exploded, and subconsciously wanted to hurt rin and make him feel just as miserable as him. something like: you broke my heart and I will make you pay for it.

bpd's a lil bitch.

in those moments your perception of reality is soooo damn wrong and your head only processes what it wants: he cheated on me, he doesn't love me anymore, he is abandoning me, he prefers another person, they are lying to me, etc etc etc.

and for the others involved it's all confusing because they don't understand how you went from being perfectly fine to... that, and they don't know what they did wrong. (they probably didn't do anything wrong).

so, the albert situation™.

albert appears to haru as someone intimidating, with enormous power at the cost of being completely alone, something haru doesn't want and is afraid to face that possibility. albert serves as a physical representation of this fear.

the whole "his eyes change color and now haruka's possessed omg" thing is not literal, obviously. in addition to serving as a nice visual resource for the film, for me it's a good way to demonstrate something that happens with bpd: splitting, and symptoms such as paranoia, self-sabotage, and impulsiveness.

splitting.

it's not like haruka's possessed or we're having some "dark!haru" concept going on, haru is just splitting. splitting is basically a defense mechanism that is done unconsciously in an attempt to protect yourself against strong negative emotions like loneliness or abandonment. splitting makes one see things in absolute terms, something black/white and prevents you from recognizing any gray areas in events, people, or thoughts because supposedly the point is to easily discard the "bad" things and embrace the "good" things to protect yourself.

but seeing and responding to the world in such an extreme way can leave a person exhausted and emotionally drained. it also ends up leading to big ass problems in relationships because those close to the person end up being affected by their behavior.

paranoia.

haru looks absolutely terrified when albert "shows up". I mean, for me this is comparable to the moment when intrusive thoughts arrive. haruka gets upset, and begins to doubt his decisions, future, relationships and is afraid that his fears will come true.

then his guard is up and it looks like an anxiety attack with tachycardia, stress and cold sweat included. albert, like intrusive thoughts, comes out of nowhere and is psychological torture.

impulsiveness.

each and every one of the things he said to rin were on impulse. he wanted rin to listen that shit? never. was that how he wanted to say it? of course not. but he did it without thinking. did he really mean everything he said? I don't necessarily think so, but maybe it was a grudge accumulated from a long time ago, I mean, it's not like he told a lie, rin himself later admits that he knew how he was acting but preferred to pretend that he didn't see haru's feelings.

so, it's not that albert controls him, it's haru himself acting impulsively based on his fears, anxieties and paranoia. he's defensive because he's hurt and full of trauma and ptsd and he feels betrayed and vulnerable.

a "spirit" version of haru can be seen outside his body trying to stop himself. this is obviously not literal either, it's the part of his brain that is rational, that knows what he's thinking isn't true and wants to control himself, but during an episode YOU DON'T LISTEN.

self sabotage.

someone with bpd tends to sabotage themselves a lot, and that's exactly what haru did. he instigated a fight with rin, was then left alone and miserable, and instead of fixing it, he used it to further sink himself into the horrible mindset he was already in. because in his head there was no other option to take.

haru could have tried to understand rin's decisions, could have reacted better, that is expected, is the way a functional person works. but the thing with bpd is... you DON'T GET IT. for haru, rin was rejecting him and his brain went into survival mode. end of the story.

then, when the outburst passes and you "come to your senses," all that remains is regret and guilt, and a thousand questions of "why did I do that? I shouldn't have said anything, why did this happen? why do I always mess everything up?" and you go into a spiral.

and knowing haru it's obvious he's going to take all the blame on himself because it's what he's been doing since he was a kid and no one has EVER bothered to correct and comfort him. on the contrary, other people have only further buried the idea in his head (thank you, hiyori).

well, what happens next? depends on the person. self harm, suicide attempts, isolation... you become difficult to approach, you feel empty, you try to stay alone even if your condition worsens. and what does haru do? he exercises TOO much and worsens his physical condition to the point that he falls asleep in random places due to exhaustion. a form of self harm if you ask me.

sometimes I feel like I need a prince charming in armor but at least 80% of the time I have a lot of trouble getting out of a dark moment by myself. and at least in my case, after one episode I go back to a depressive spiral, and it's worse than the last. it's very painful and distressing, and you do NOT know what to do and in your head there is no damn solution, you're completely alone and it's all your fault. and that can end very, very badly.

and by "very badly", I mean things like self-harm and the desire to kill yourself, because these types of behaviors are very common in patients with bpd. please whenever someone with bpd tells you they feel that way, take it seriously.

something else I noticed and would like to say is that bpd can include somatization (when your emotions show up as literal physical pain) and haru just goes through that here, falling to his knees with intense pain in his chest.

and I mean- no, it wasn't necessarily obvious, haru.

for someone with bpd it's NOT obvious even the simplest things, especially if it has to do with the feelings of others towards us; it's the lack of emotional permanence, and that is why we desperately need the constant reassurance and search for approval.

but if you want me to say it "simple": haru is traumatized with rin leaving him, rin implied that he would, in a way, and haru and his ptsd responded defensively. because haru needs therapy, let me tell u.

finally: none of this invalidates the fact that rin felt bad about what haru said, although it's true they have never sat down to talk about what happened when they were kids, and rin's issues are a whooole other can of worms.

What did you feel was missing from the Jimmy match? I felt something was missing too, but I couldn't place it

for me, personally, what was missing was coherency. jimmy's motivations are too unclear right now, too difficult to decipher. it feels like the show are trying to erase the fact that he's the one who pulled the trigger on roman first. for the life of me i cannot understand why he said to paul that nobody told him he was out of the bloodline, when he's literally kicked roman in the face some 20-odd times and roman and solo then put him in hospital. maybe it's just because i'm not family but goddamn if that doesn't mean you're out of the fucking bloodline, jimmy. tf.

but, honestly, i feel like people are being way too hard on jimmy. the match wasn't that bad, it was just a little slow, and i think jimmy himself is mostly out of practice when it comes to being ring-fit. if i'm not mistaken the last time he wrestled was money in the bank, right? and then he got jumped by roman and solo, put in "hospital" for a few weeks, then came back just to superkick jey. he hasn't done anything since july and i think that's probably one thing people need to keep in mind. he's rusty. hopefully it'll improve. not to mention he's used to being in a tag-team, he isn't used to going a whole match by himself. he's used to doing a bit, tagging out to catch his breath, then going back in again.

but another thing is that, i think the reason the match felt so off was because jimmy wasn't entirely sure what he was supposed to do. again, he isn't used to being alone. he's used to having someone in his corner at all times who can make up for what he misses out on doing. he doesn't hit aj? no problem, jey's there to do it for him instead. aj's getting the upper hand? jey's there to stop him if he goes too far, and gives jimmy a second again to breathe. he was still wrestling like he was in a tag-team, but there were these glimpses of him almost realising (imo) that he had to be more ruthless in order to get shit done. he couldn't rely on his old tricks, because he didn't have the ace up his sleeve in his brother anymore.

idk, bro. i really didn't think it was that bad, but i'm more concerned about the storyline. because as things stand, i have no idea how the fuck we're supposed to believe that jimmy got put in hospital by roman and solo and now... suddenly wants to be buddy-buddy with them again? it's concerning how little they're willing to flesh jimmy out if he's meant to succeed in a singles run.

WHY I WENT MIA

spoiler alert : it's not alien abduction

tw : everything triggering, read at your own risk

so i almost comitted suicide several times around the 24th-25th

it all began when i was a child but we don't have time for that crap so i'm gonna cut to the chase.

Recently things has been pretty hard for me with financial issues and stress over what the fuck i'm doing with my life, not to mention the ridiculous pressure my parents put on me (in a way that i had told them would not be effective on me as it would just cause me harm esp to my mental health that both my parents, esp my mom, decide to ignore) and my extended family, and what i want, and it was all just ridiculous. Not to mention something specific happened recently that kinda just made me gave up because it felt like a betrayal, abandonment, and the way it happened was just so absolutely unfair and out of the blue like i wasn't even informed of what happened until i seek for answers myself. It was just horrible and i was really going to go through with it. I had suicide notes ready and everything and i could've decided to do it on the 23rd but it was yunho's birthday and i wasn't gonna miss that so my options were on the 24th or 25th bc my parents were gone and had anything happened, i wouldn't be rushed to the hospital.

I was alone and i felt alone despite having one last friend to talk to but that friend was just sooooo so so so far away and idk it felt hopeless. It wasn't until i accidentally hinted to someone about what i was gonna do and they figured it out and after a whole shenanadoodles (at first this person was like "i can't be selfish, i can't keep you here because who tf am i?") and some words used on me, that person accidentally canceled my self destruction. It was literally something that no one had ever said to me in a sense of the intention and the words used. It was literally "you can't go anywhere now, you're staying to write for me" and it wasn't the sentiment that i HAVE to live for this person now, but it was the fact that i was given a purpose. this person wanted me and they have plans for me and that gave me an immediate feeling of security. It's so stupid, i know but it happened. That was what happened and i'm still at shock because that person said they didn't even know that it would work.

if someone goes to you, telling you they wanna end their life, i implore you to NEVER say "don't do it, but i'm not gonna stop you". because that kinda feels like you don't care and by god, this person is already suicidal now you're telling them that YOU wouldn't care whether or not they leave ???????

i can't speak for other people with suicidal tendencies or behaviour but i'm so glad to have the friends that i have rn. I used to say i don't have much friends but oh my god after being open about this, i realized how many friends i have and how easy it is to ask someone to be your friend.

I'm sharing this to not upset anyone but because i want my blog to be a very transparent and open space. I don't feel normal because i don't see people sharing about their experience esp with suicidal behaviour and/or tendencies bc it's a taboo and it's potentially triggering. that's why i don't feel normal and it makes me think that since i'm not welcomed, i'm not like anyone, i should just not be here. Someone told me to remove myself from uncomfortable situations and i took it to a whole new level. It didn't occur to me how much people cared for me and seriously, i'm just so very thankful. I know i have a long way to go and i'm gonna have more hardships to come, but right now i feel like the people who i have around me can help me even by just doing stupid shit like sending ateez pics or telling a random annecdote or even frantically trying to find a topic that can distract me.

this space that i have created is a safe space. I personally don't get triggered by other people's experience but i get it. honestly, i want to make a safe, open space for people but i just don't know how to. but that's basically what happened to me this past week.

to everyone who are still with me today, i want to thank all of you so much and while i don't know how to thank each of you privately or directly, i just want you to know i love you so much. God the love i received these past couple of days has just been making my heart feel full and honestly it kinda feels like i'm gonna pee. but eh what do i know.

c!wilbur ending rant (is that mf really american?)

content warning; mentions of or implications to fictional suicide

So I'm assuming all the c!wilbur enthusiasts have heard the infamous 'minecraft utah is not real, and it's definitely not an allegory for death' line. Now to be entirely honest never did I once believe Wilbur fucking Soot would just end his story arc with anything but a REAL conclusion and considering the mf went for 'wow I'm a American, bye smp' I was confused for a bit. So he's dead. Makes sense for the way his character was and it was way more conclusive - completely understandable from cc!wilbur.

But in reference to this, is Wilbur actually American than? Or was that just some random ploy to lie to Tommy and convince him he wasn't going to die?

One, if he was American he'd be the fattest fucking hypocrite I've ever seen in my life and two, it wouldn't be much of an allegory if he was also half telling the truth. He spits all this shit about being a worker at a gas station for 16 years, which pissed me off cause if he had said 13, I would have assumed he was in reference to his Limbo years. Unfortunately not.

He also talks about his jacket and everything before coming to the smp. Which is hard to research into because going back to old streams feels pointless when it's very unlikely Wilbur planned this story right from the start. Overall him being American doesn't make much sense other than just for the brief pieces of info on his backstory we got within the stream.

So say he is lying, he isn't American. He's made up an allegory to appease Tommy. Rewatching the final streams was weird because of his whole rant on Utah and how he wasn't going to kill himself doesn't all line up with the allegory without some 'he's just lying' moments. So hypothetically it turns out to be a 'oh I am going to kms, but I'm using different language to not scare the shit out of you!'. We never found out what was in the book to Tommy (or that I know of) so we can't base anything off that either. And Tommy himself clearly believes that Wilbur went to Utah because he tells other people that. We hear Philza say 'Where did he go again? Utah was it?' when they meet up at his revival shrine thing. Unless Tommy deciphered this shit (maybe with the help of that book), but then why would he be lying to Philza? Don't think Tommy would wanna lie about the state of the guy's son to his face.

I think it's funny in hindsight, because within the qsmp stream Wilbur says that Minecraft Utah is an allegory, he says it triggers him, like he was bothered no one picked up on that fact and assumed he was being truthful? It wasn't particularly obvious because what the hell were we supposed to do with 'I worked at a gas station for 16 years,' no one can just claim 'oh that was clearly a lie' because we don't have much evidence to back that up. Most of the stuff cc's say about their characters we have to take literally because its a MINECRAFT SERVER.

His ending was something, you know. I feel like there's some overarching answer to it all but knowing Wilbur and his ARG, he's not big on giving away answers so everyone's gonna be clueless, atleast for a while. And plus I doubt anyone really wants to reference back to the 'glory days of the smp' because it went for so goddamn long and its rightfully over now. His ending definitely wasn't as badly executed as Tommy's, but god a lot of mixed signals there.

Something I do wanna say though, I see a lot of people say that Wilbur's 'born and raised in Utah' line was in reference to Lady Death or Kristin being his mother which is all well and good but I think it has deeper inclinations than that.

Wilbur was revived. He was quite literally raised from the dead. Thought that was a cool reference if it was indeed intended.

And than yknow, maybe Wilbur's just absolutely useless at tone, and he wasn't be sarcastic saying 'it's definitely not an allegory for death'. Who tf knows.

Anyway if someone else is more inclined to do research or knows something I've completely glossed over, please tell me! Love to hear from the Tumblr guys.

(Rare rant maybe. perhaps I'll get too comfortable on this platform. And god that was long, sorry you had to read all that.)

I've been trying to pretend that that girl at work didn't trigger the fuck out of me but she totally did....... :( I think she was just trying to be like friendly and relate to someone going thru the same thing as her but idk this condition is hard to have "friends" in because if I think they're better than me in any way it like seriously eats at me. I wish that being bullied didn't make me actually harshly compare myself to every single person in the whole world :[ like.....girl....chill

Basically what happened is I had just gained like 10+ lbs after going to the partial inpatient at the psych hospital and getting new meds. I was doing really good eating, but a couple days ago she came into work at like 3pm and said "I haven't eaten anything all day!!" Before stuffing a chocolate cupcake in her face. Then she was like "im a fatty" and some other stuff then she kept saying "[my name] gets it" and I was so shocked like....I NEVER told her I have an ed. She has told me she has one but that's because she like announces it to everyone every now and then which I find really weird and like....not to be mean she's not even that skinny??? So she confuses tf out of me. She's that same girl who a couple months ago I said I was gonna have some pizza fpr dinner and she was like I can't eat pizza I have an eating disorder to my entire table of residents and I was mortified I just fucking immediacy had an oobe at that moment i stg 😂😂😂

My bff has an eating disorder too but we literally never talk about our eating problems and just try to act normal because we both know it's like.....a painful thing. Not something to like brag and laugh about. Like....idk man I think that girl wasn't trying to hurt me and she's like youngerish like 18 or 19 so she probably doesn't know that it actually affected me. I dont blame her at all. I just wanted to vent about it here bc I was trying to ignore it and not talk about it but *shrug *

*cw for a sort of rant under the cut, I mean no offence to anyone by writing it but I just had to let it out and swearing*

(This is just a rant for myself, not on my main blog for obvious reasons)

white boy neurodivergent privilege. It exists and it pisses me tf off.

Because when they have a melt down, it's ok, they're just being boys and they don't know what they're doing and you have to understand that they have issues so they can do no wrong because their disorder made them do it. When they (due to being enabled their whole lives) throw a violent tantrum, it's not their fault. It's never their fault, they're just confused and they can't have possibly stoped it or anything, they're perfect little angels. When they need accommodations, it's provided. They're so cute with their silly stims and cute little entitlement and how they always get away with it because look at them they're a little blond boy who can do no wrong.

This isn't to say that all white boy neurodivergents have perfect lives, or that any of them do, but I think we can all see they are by far the most accepted packaging for spicy brains.

Now when anyone else has a meltdown? OH NO FUCK THE CRAZY PERSON NEEDS TO BE LOCKED UP! "stop being dramatic" "Stop crying, you have no right" "Don't you dare make another sound" "you're making a scene" "You ruin everything with your crazy mood swings" "Stop faking it" "You're making me look bad" "Why can't you just be normal?"

Stimming? "Go sit in the corner and think about what you did" "You're disrupting the class" "Stop, it annoys me" "Why are you so weird" "Hands at your sides, this is important" "Why are you fidgeting? are you hiding something?" "I'm going to take it away from you until you can hold it normally"

Sensory issues? "It's not that bad" "wow so convenient that you can't come help us because of this, suck it up" "No one else has an issue with it" "The flickering isn't even noticeable" "What do you mean you can't hold it? Why is it so hard to do one thing for me?" "It's not like you can even hear it"

nonverbal? "Use your words" "Stop ignoring me you brat" "Speak to me! I didn't do anything wrong!" "Answer me right now or else" "did you lose your voice or something? It was working fine when you were yelling at me for [insert triggering thing they did]"

Need accommodations? too bad! You're gonna need about five billlion notes including one from your dead relative, figure it out!

"You're not disabled enough for this" "Well you aren't like really neurodivergent- you function properly" "My cousin is autistic and you're not like him at all! So clearly you're faking it!" "You can talk though" "Oh... that's not normal, my brother is hyperfixated on trucks and you aren't, so clearly you don't really have adhd" "You don't LOOK neurodivergent" "You're not exactly like [insert white boy name] and he's [insert disorder] so you have it easy!"

It happens time and time again!

I was shunned and called names and just fucking hated for just being myself and my brothers were put on a gold stage for using their neurodivergence as an excuse to be brats.

Me? banned from the office unless i was fucking dying

My brothers? "Oh come in dear, have a key to the back door so you can come in if you ever need anything!" "You don't like class? just stay here!" "You beat up a kid? I'll call them in to apologize to you"

And clearly this isn't the instance for every person but I have seen it far too often, not just with me but with literally every single time I come across neurodivergent people. There is a diferent between how we're treated and it sucks ass!

Anyway sorry if I offended anyone, but yeah, if I help even one person not feel like a bitch for agreeing with me i've done my job

I know stsc isn’t one of your main f/os anymore, but I was binging TFP while putting together a cosplay and every time he popped up, I just thought “yeah this is what he does when keri isn’t around.” sorry if that’s weird T-T but your s/i feels like a part of the show to me now

Aww... thank you for saying that. That's not weird, that's sweet 😭😭 wow I'm gonna cry

I miss my starlight so bad. I'm really touched you still think I'm a part of that world. I feel like a part of my heart is still "in" the TFP universe and stuck there, even though it hurts so bad. but it was my greatest comfort I've ever had, and I have had sooo many amazing experiences and opportunities because of TF, it's going to take me a really long time to fully let go of it. but I don't know what's better for my mental health: never touching it ever again (which I've tried since July 2023, it has NOT worked, in fact it has just made me more miserable) or I can try reclaiming it slowly over time (difficult asf I am literally physically ill every time I look at it or think of it). I feel like I can't win here lol. I'll uhhh.... I'll figure something out.

Learning how to make literally hundreds of these characters Not A Trigger Anymore is gonna be super fucking hard, but it's kind messages like this one that make me miss it the most. I don't want my view of TF to stay the same, I want to make it Better, I don't know how though. But nice asks like yours always make me want to do that. i'm a mess rn... "this is what he does when Keri's not around" I always used to think that too!!! haha I always used to think "aww my s/i is off in another dimension and he's committing crimes 🥰🥰" agh... I remember the Red Energon centered episodes were my favorite because I always thought of him making me that necklace from a shard of it. I still have it packed away in a box, I still have starflower seeds I never planted. I used to watch those episodes religiously and heave this big loving SIGH because the idea of him gifting me that and me saying "aw, that's so nice, ty" and he's like "...yes I'm being... nice" and he hisses it like it's a swear word... used to make me feel so good. that's when we'd become Official™. I had it all planned out... Rock Bottom was when we'd finally become friends, Operation BB episodes is when we'd start meeting in the starflower meadow... sometime around Armada we'd have this mutual pining thing going on...

;-; tell my Starlight and my Honeybee that I miss them more than anything and I will come home someday. please. and thank you so much for sending me this ❤

AGH you know what, I can put this under a readmore so I won't accidentally trigger myself with it if I see it tomorrow and I'm in a bad headspace or something. I miss him!!! look at him. ahh. he is everything to me even though its like there's this huge invisible force field around TF that makes me feel like I cannot touch it. he is so-- god. look at him. he's so beautiful. there is nobody I'm gonna love like i've loved him.

i even remember when i made this gif, i was just. ahh. so full of butterflies. that feels so long ago. i miss him!! and!!! i am gonna get him back one day. i just don't know how. 😭 but god damn it ONE day!!!! we were engaged, damn it!!!

anyway. i'm so sorry to ramble holy shit. but thank you so much for thinking of me when rewatching TFP ;-; that means so much to me... makes me feel like I really am still meant to Be There, even if i'm so far away from it now. i was conditioned into believing my ship with him was just some foolish, stupid joke, like I've just been kidding myself for years and there's no way any of the robots wouldn't harm me or do horrible things to me, let alone love me. but this message suckerpunched me in the heart guts like a "hey wait a minute" kind of feeling. ok ok I'll shut up now. i love you anon.

also, your cosplay is gonna be absolutely amazing, i hope you have fun putting it together!!

Gonna watch The Poughkeepsie Tapes and keep yall updated

Tw for pretty much anything under the sun in this movie. It is a mockumentary about a serial killer and there is a lot of graphic, really triggering imagery. I am not telling people to watch it and this is my official statement saying don't watch this if gore, r*pe, murder, csa, and really upsetting discussions about crime scenes even make you mildly uncomfortable.

Okay starting off, it's real weird. Mf just killed a little girl and that's pretty fucked up. The 911 call from the mom was chilling as fuck.

Okay so he's hitchhiking with a young couple. That is the number one thing you never do that horror movies teach you.

Mind you it is 11:30 am and I'm home alone with my cats

Okay so he just chloroformed the girl and I think he killed the dude.

Feel bad for that dude who had to watch all of the tapes. Homie could not sleep forever.

Criminal minds has trained me for this.

Yeah sure poking her with a stick will wake her up- oh. Ew.

Ew. Ew. Just.

Oh he used sign language to- that's kinda cool tbh. A little stupid cause he gave himself away on one part but that-

"Okay. Here's a killer who understands bureaucracy" WHY IS THAT SO FUCKING FUNNY TO ME

Oh now we getting to the real fucked up parts.

Well I hate to break it to you but something IS going to happen and you are really not going to like it

Why this dude got the same kitchen layout as me tf

That is. A large knife

Oh wait is he in the girl's house?

She got the same kitchen as me

And she's showering oh no

GIRL GET THE FUCK OUTTA THERE

Uh oh

How is this guy so good at hiding holy shit

Bro you are leaving fingerprints EVERYWHERE. amateur.

Girly your ice cream is gonna mel- girl- YOUR ICE CREAM IS MELTING

Why am I more stressed out over the dude being caught than I am over the motherfuckers getting MURDERED

How is he so quiet he is literally right behind someone what the fUCK OH AND THE BOYFRIEND GOT MURDERED

GIRL RU- aaand she's unconscious.

Ew

Oh that's messed up.

EW

Christmas tree lights??? Sock drawer??? WHAT THE FUCK

I ain't no expert but I don't think she's coming home

Oh he is talking to the mother oh god.

Oh that's fucked up

Ah yeah changed M.O will do it

Hun as soon as you give the killer a name he will start kiLLING FASTER

To be fair she did warn you

Oh now he's interviewing bundy and it is MESSED UP

GIRL DON'T JUST SAY "SURE" TO GOING IN TO SOME RANDOM ASS BASEMENT

OF FUCKING COURSE IT WAS A COP GOD DAMMIT

Good he needs to die

Oh fuck 9/11 happened two days after

Fuck he was innocent???

Damn I've got like 30 mins left of this movie

Oh that's where that gif is from. That used to give me such bad paranoia

Gross.

Oh shit she's alive!!

She's gonna need so much therapy holy shit

Oh honey.

Fuck she can't even catch a break dead holy shit

"I wonder what was on those tapes" I don't!!!

Oh shit I thought that was the end of it.

Final thoughts:

It was fucked up in ways I couldn't describe, it gave me the chills, kinda made me feel gross, but it also, in some ways, wasn't AS fucked up as most say. Definitely adhere to my trigger warning above. I honestly didn't like it that much, it relied too hard on shock and gore, and I don't think that makes a good movie. I really liked the style of it, and I like that although it doesn't give you a break from the upsetting discussions, it gives breaks in between having to see the tapes.

Final rating: I'd say a 5/10. It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't great. It was just okay.

If you wanna see me react to more horror movies shoot me an ask, and I'll make a list in my pinned of what movies I refuse to watch!

If you wanna see more of this boring ass post type, the tag I made for it is #brxken horror movie reactions

Why I, a former age regressor, do not support age regression as it is shown in media

On social media there’s this video that’s going around of an age regressor that I’ve had many issues with. If you go in the comments of these posts you’ll have three types of people: the ones who make fun of it, the ones who try to defend it, and the ones that tell the ones who defend it how harmful these actions are.

In all of these posts, you know what I find? People who say “it’s a trauma response” “most people don’t have control over it” and yet also say “it’s a coping mechanism and dressing up is soothing” despite that being a completely different thing, and will go on about how “doctors recommend it” despite that making no sense

Let me clear one thing up: dressing up in baby clothing, coloring in coloring books, drinking out of sippy cups are all dress up games.

ACTUAL age regression is your body doing childlike things or sending yourself into a child like state to better handle your trauma

Let’s take me for example. I naturally did it from actual trauma. When I was about 6 mo, my mom stopped me from sucking on my fingers. But I was raised in a very abusive household and you know what I did? As I turned 2yo I started sucking on my fingers again and every night I slept with my baby blanket(the blanket that came with my crib). I would suck on my fingers originally at night, but then it got worse to the point where I was constantly doing it.

I didn’t stop doing this until I was 17 (last summer). I would wear long sleeves and hide my hand in it while I did it at school because I was constantly stressed out. You know how when you take away a baby’s binky, It’ll start crying and getting fussy or even throw a tantrum? That’s what I did. If we were doing a lot of activities that required your hands I would get overwhelmed and start to cry because I couldn’t calm down and the emotions over flooded my brain. You couldn’t hold a conversation with me because when this happened I would snap at others and say hateful things.

And not only this, but when this happened my mind would “shut down” as we said, and I couldn’t think. I couldn’t form any coherent thoughts because all I could think of was how I was feeling. There was no reasoning with me, all I could think of was me wanting to soothe myself, I couldn’t do my work, I couldn’t have long conversations with people, etc. I couldn’t tell people when there was something wrong, I would just sit there and cry because that’s all I could handle.

Now note: there was no dress up. There was no “coloring” or drinking out of sippy cups. These were habits that I had when I was young that I started again because my brain couldn’t handle the trauma.

Now, I recently went through tf-cbt (trauma focused- cognitive behavioral therapy) where I was told these were horrible habits to do and I should steer far away from them. My counselor told me that it was a clear sign of child abuse/child trauma and I had PTSD, and helped me get the diagnosis for places like school and work. She told me that age regression is a defense mechanism that your body takes so that you can handle what’s going on around you. Your body and mind regresses to points where you were at your calmest and use those habits/actions to give you a better control on yourself, but they make you unstable when you can’t do these actions and you end up doing way more harm to yourself than good.

Not only this but my habit deformed my mouth severely. I finally got approved for braces and when they did the X-rays and measured everything they told me I had about an INCH of space between by bottom and top row of teeth. I couldn’t eat in public because I had to bite with the side of my mouth. I couldn’t form words properly and constantly fumbled. It was embarrassing how awful they were and I ended up having the teeth behind my canines pulled because there wasn’t enough room to pull everything back. 2.5 years later and I’m STILL in braces because of how hard it is to fix this. And my middle and index finger are deformed too, they’re bent at awkward angles and I can’t hold them straight because of the 15 years of constantly being pushed that way.

Age regression is now a TRIGGER for me because it gets my blood pumping and makes me feel sick and I get so unreasonably angry at these people for not even knowing what they’re talking about. My head gets light and I can feel all the blood rush from it and I feel like I’m gonna fall over if I stand because of how many times I’ve tried to explain to people my situation and they’ve told me “fuck off if you don’t actually age regress or are a little youre an ableist fuck and there’s a special place in hell for people like you” when I’m the one who has an actual PTSD diagnosis and has gone through the whole speal of getting help.

Age regression is not okay. It’s not heathy. Your mind can’t properly handle the things that are going on around you and it shuts down and brings you back into a state of mind that your body knows it can handle. It’s unhealthy because you never actually face what’s going on and the issues only build and build until you burst because everything has been suppressed, not coped with. These habits can destroy your life and you can lose all your relationships (like with me) due to it.

If you “age regress” because it’s FUN you’re just playing dress up and are MOCKING people with an actual issue. Go fuck yourself if you really think that, because that’s like me saying “oh I pretend to have war flash backs because I think being a soldier is cool”

So for those of you who support this and say doctors recommend it: you’re lying. You’re literally lying right to our faces and are trying to justify you having playtime and not wanting to grow up when there’s actual people who do this because of trauma and get suppressed because they’re “not real agere. I HATE the term “little” because it’s making a FOOL of me, I’m not a “little”, I didn’t age regress because I had a choice, it was my body’s way of coping and it was HORRIBLE, and the way that media has made it into “oh yes look at this decorative binky I got and this new children’s coloring book” sickens me.

So yeah, I have a DNI. And that DNI says “age regressors” because I’m sick and tired of being grouped in a category of people who are using the term wrong and take away from people who do this because of actual issues in their life

headcanons for wonder wlman falling in love with somebody she saves then tries courting her as diana prince?? tysm i love your stories!

a/n: i’m so excited to do headcanons yez ^o^ thanks for requesting! i hope u like it (i’m new to making headcanons so i’m honestly not sure how this is gonna go but i hope u enjoy it)

genre: fluff mostly; diana x florist!reader

warnings: first time meeting and stuff, cute shit idk, kinda long i’m sorry, flowershop!au kinda, diana being a lil bit of a stalker (WITH GOOD INTENTIONS)

diana prince falling in love with someone she saves headcanons:

it was at bank robbery where she met you

there were children being held hostage by their collars and it angered you that they would lay out such fear on young ones

other civilians sitting on the ground with hands behind their heads crying out of fear for their lives, hoping a savior would come

you, in the other hand, had secretly called the police before the crimals actually started their injustice, noticing suspicious people when you first arrived

you did everything in your power to calm the kids crying up until a man pressed a gun to the side of your head

before he could pull the trigger, a woman in armor crashed into the room from the roof and quickly took out the man next to you

you shared eye contact only for a less than a second before she started zooming towards the other criminals

as she dealt with them, you noticed another man aiming his gun towards the children and rushed in to cover them with your own body

you heard the the gun fire, but strangely it didn’t hit you (°▽°)

when you turned around, you watched the woman in armor snap the gun in half with her bare hands before sending the man flying across the room

the woman didn’t look at you, but instead, she jumped high out of the building just as the police started barging in

that was the last you’ve seen of her

or so you thought HAHA ƪ(˘⌣˘)ʃ

diana had been watching you for a while after the failed robbery

maybe for two weeks?? idk

in the morning, up on the roof of some building or leaning against a tall statue, she would watch when you would walk through the city to go to work at a flower shop

she learned that always you grabbed coffee on your way there and you’d always pet the coffee shop’s dog

sometimes, diana would think it was weird for her to be watching you from afar

but she was intrigued

you caught her eye that day when you tried to take the blow for those children despite knowing the fact it would’ve cost you your life if she hadn’t been there

she thought that was beautiful; how you would give your life to save others

it reminded her of a special someone (we all know who that is (´༎ຶོρ༎ຶོ`) )

so basically shes in love with you

she also learned that you lived alone; all the more reason for her to watch you sometimes

she didn’t anything bad to happen to a kind soul like you

but after the third week, diana finally decided to stop watching you

and talk to you herself as her civilian identity

she came into the flowershop you worked at, pretending to browse for plants to put in her own home as a disguise to talk to you

when you saw her come in, you had never seen such a gorgeous woman enter your life

but she looked very familiar to you

in the end, you decided that you’ve probably seen her on a cover of a magazine or something

you greeted and welcomed her into the flowershop nervously

diana found you adorable; you were dressed in a green apron and your hair was pulled back into a loose ponytail

you shared a short conversation with her, answering any questions she had about the flowers

she would compliment you everytime she walks in, only to get you to blush when’s she’s around (〃ω〃)

“You look pretty, (Y/N).”

“My day gets better every time I see you.”

and you saw her again and again, almost everyday

diana would come in only to talk to you and maybe buy some plants from time to time

her home is literally almost drowning in the plants that she purchased from your shop

but everytime she comes in, she swears she falls in love with you more and more

you were always so kind and gentle and shared so many wonderful stories with her

you were clueless to why she would visit so many times

until that day ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

diana made sure to do her hair nicer than she usually does and threw on her nicest causal outfit when she would come in to see you

she made sure she looked good that day because that was the day she was going to ask you out to dinner

and on her walk over to the shop, she didn’t expect the sky to FUCKING RAIN on her parade literally

she was soaked when she got there and had deadliest glare on her face

she literally came in like (-᷅_-᷄๑)

but when you saw her walk in all drenched and grumpy, you hurriedly ran over to her with a towel, worried that she’d get sick

“Oh, no! Diana! You’ll catch a cold!”

you brought her inside for some hot tea, a blanket, and a sweater from the flowershop she could change into

despite the weather not going according to her plans, she liked how you worried about her even if a little rain could never get her sick

diana was sitting on a bench in the shop by the window as you brought out hot tea for her

before you could walk away again, she grabbed your hand and pulled you down next to her

“(Y/N), would you like to go out for dinner some time?”

you stared at her dumbfounded ˚✧₊⁎❝᷀ົཽ≀ˍ̮ ❝᷀ົཽ⁎⁺˳✧༚

it was hard to believe a woman like diana like you in a more-than-friends way

you said yes, of course?? like who tf would say no to diana prince ಠ_ಠ

diana took you out for a fancy dinner by the river and went for a walk in the city right after

she held your hand through out all of it

on the same night, she kissed you on the lips for the first time

and yk stole few more bc she quickly got addicted to kissing you

this was a big step in your relationship which included:

diana being the softest girlfriend ever

she loves your attention

she would do anything for you if you asked

often times, she would eat lunch with you during break time at work

walks you home ALWAYS when it’s time to go home

diana was in love and intended to keep you safe at all times

over time, you slowly realized why diana looked so familiar when you first met her

when you weren’t with her, you would see news reports on tv showcasing a woman in armor saving the day

and you’ve witnessed it first hand before

so you confronted her about it

diana was nervous about it bc she kept it from you

but you weren’t angry; in fact, you thought it was cool

diana deserved a supportive girlfriend and you were there to give that to her

so she’s thankful for you

will protect you with her life

and will always and forever love you

♡ (๑>◡<๑) ♡

a/n: thank u for reading!! sorry if there’s typos i didn’t proof read this :/

Look at those arms! MMMMM!

You know, I really like Gilina. Or, more correctly, I really like what Gilina represents, both in terms of Crichton’s development and in his feelings for Aeryn. Gilina is Earth Crichton’s dream girl: she is blonde, pretty, sweet, and plucky (she is no push-over). She is also a girl geek, and a techie and for our scientist, that’s quite irresistibly appealing. (Btw, let me take a moment to note how much I like that the show showed us that Crichton had a type in women, B.A. (before Aeryn): they were blonde and sweet and had a certain safe niceness to them. Aeryn is not blonde, not sweet, and not safe at all. And neither is his feeling for her). If Gilina was a girl working for a research institute on Earth and she and John met at some party, I can easily see them talking, dating, falling in love and getting married. And having a happy married life. And the John of ‘PK Tech Girl,’ despite some unpleasant encounters in the Uncharted Territories is still enough of the Earth John to be attracted to Gilina, to be at the very beginning of developing something for her. He is still enough of an innocent, with enough uncomplicated and sweet left in him, for Gilina to be his type. But of course, that is not the case any more when they meet again in ‘Nerve.’ When they meet again, Gilina has had a fairly uneventful PK tech existence. She hasn’t changed much. But she is not Crichton’s type any more. Not after Maldis and finding out firsthand that there are psychopaths that will just enjoy watching you die for the fun of it, not after Crais and finding out that no, if you only explain the truth, it won’t make it better. The person will still want to kill you even if they believe you, even if it’s wrong and irrational, and there is nothing you can do. Not after ‘Jeremiah Crichton’ (my least fave ep of the whole show, but whose theme of Crichton’s long isolation is well taken). Not after finding out the truth about Zhaan, or almost dying out there in space with Aeryn. Not after the mind and soul fuck of ‘A Human Reaction.’   Gilina is not for this John. Not any more. And it’s not just that in the meanwhile he’s ceased to see anyone but Aeryn. It is also that his character has changed. And that is only the beginning. When he meets her in ‘Nerve’ it is pre-Scorpius, pre-Aurora Chair, pre-everything in S2, 3 and 4 (I’d do a list but it would take too long to type). If Gilina met S4 Crichton, she’d freak and run away and rightly so. A digression, but I find it fascinating how John's non-Aeryn women reflect his change. We have his ex-gf on Earth who he was serious enough to apparently want to propose to, before they went their separate career way. She is sort of like Gilina only blander, less engaging (Earth Crichton strikes me as someone who's had things come to him too easily because of his intelligence or what not. His passion (for whatever) was never truly engaged to the full, and the gf reflects that.) There is also Caroline (who we meet in Terra Firma) with whom he had something or other, but she is rather like his Earth-ex and it's clear the Crichton of TF doesn't even have anything to say to her any more. From them, we progress to Gilina (about whom see above). In first half of S2, there is the PK Disruptor. Now, she is a lot more edges, more hardness. If she is like anyone, it's a female version of Bond. And Crichton sleeps with her, because hey, he's tried everything to get Aeryn to admit any interest, he's beaten his head against the rock and he's beaten it and beaten it. But she refused and she's conclusively walked out of his life for good (not even came to see him for the very last time, when he needed her most). And also, girl can kill him, good to stay on her good side. There is no Gilina sweetness in her, at all. PK Tech Girl Crichton would annoy her and be intimidated to be with her, not so much Crichton of that s2 ep arc. But interestingly, that is the last time he even looks at another woman, no matter the circumstances. Once Aeryn and he admit their love to each other at the end of S2/beginning of S3, that is it. Even at the second part of S3, when Aeryn is off with Talyn-Crichton, Moya-Crichton goes deep into his obsession with wormholes, not any girls at all, and he is just as obsessed with Aeryn as ever. Even after the end of S3, the beginning of S4, even after he tells Aeryn "I can trust you with my life. But not my heart" and he locks himself away, he still does not look at anyone else. He cannot. And even the drugs cannot knock her out from his mind. Which is why his last non-Aeryn woman is Grayza, who rapes him while at the same time telling him if he gives her the wormhole stuff she will help him find Aeryn (OMG, that bit is seriously the worst in the whole scene). I think the darker progression of these women-others mirrors the darker and darker universe. OK, digression over.   I find it interesting that in S1 we have a number of people (beings, whatever) whose life is affected, changed by Crichton and who are grateful for that and thank him for changing/opening/saving either explicitly, or it’s implied. But after S1 this slows to a trickle pretty fast and then stops almost entirely. Crichton is such an innately kind person, and one of the saddest things in the show is seeing this kindness leach away under the tortures (literal and figurative) he is subjected to. I find it so sad and so significant that in the S3 finale it’s Aeryn who brings up the fact that the command carrier has a lot of lives which John’s plan might end. Aeryn. Not John. She’s become more compassionate (she, who started out saying ‘I hate that word’) and he’s become much less. These are both reactions to their environment, to events they are in (When they initially meet, she is a product of an individuality-less, soulless scenario. Even if he is wrong in reading her at the very very first in Premiere during intros, he is not wrong in reading her potential, in recognizing she is a person, and even as early as Premiere she proves him right. I also love that for Crichton, she is always her own person, not a preconceived notion of what she should be. He loves her for being Aeryn, not for some idealized being in his head). And yet it is never completely suppressed, it is always there, however muted and downtrodden, however circumscribed. He had to jettison most of it in order to stay sane and to survive, but somewhere deep inside he is still the guy who, in a completely strange world, took the time to fix the eye-stalk of a mechanical critter thingy he didn’t know at all.   And of course, part of the reason he jettisons it is also because whenever he tries to save someone or make it better, it often ends up making the situation worse. I am thinking for example of S3’s lovely ‘Different Destinations’ which turns a beloved sci-fi trope on its head and he has to live with it and he can barely bear it.   And I love how the show never lets us forget the cost this takes on him, that he is not a power-hungry psychopath, a cavalier callous being only caring about his small group of friends. That coda to S4’s ‘We Are So Screwed’ where he is with Aeryn, and he breaks down, and he can’t help it, and he weeps for what he’d done, for what he almost did (and it’s going to be small fry in comparison with PKW) is just brilliant and heartbreaking and one of my favorite bits (and I love that she is there, and she silently comforts him, and he clutches her arm as a lifeline). And that is why I actually liked the drug storyline in S4. After all the stuff that Crichton been through, I am surprised he didn’t end up going on something earlier, just to deal with it all somehow (I love that the show brought up earlier that he has nightmares, feels tremendous guilt, and that was mid S2, I am sure they are much worse now). And it also made sense that when his number 1 obsession, Aeryn, told him to give it up, he did, as he’d pick her over anything. She’s his number 1 drug. Basically, he needs Aeryn desperately. She is what allows him to function, allows him to stay (relatively) sane, what holds him together. When he can’t have her, or doesn’t have her, he falls apart and needs something else to get through the days (wormholes in S3, lakka in S4). I do find it interesting that Crichton keeps his compassion, however tattered, but he develops absolute priorities, as a result of choices he shouldn’t have had to make. Most people don’t really analyze whether they will pick the woman they love or selling one’s soul and giving up something which earlier, to protect, you didn’t give up even when tortured or hunted or broken. They don’t have to. Crichton’s developed rigid priorities are a result of the environment where he had to confront those hierarchies in himself. Crichton’s earlier ‘purity’ and goodness and optimism exist in part because he is a product of a relatively sheltered life (compared to Uncharted Territories). But that early cleanness allows others to see a better or at least a different path for themselves and so they repay the favor later by pulling him out when he is on the brink of succumbing to all these horrors (which really do seem to be scarily disproportionately triggered at him). One of the things I love about Crichton is that even after he’s seen and dealt horrors, he has a certain moral absolutism to him (however broken it gets at times) and a pure refusal to give up, and strength even if only to make the least worst of two bad choices presented to him. Something untainted is always there, maybe a legacy of his initial idealism, and so he never breaks, not permanently, not irreparably, though he comes very very close. Throughout the show, even as that world bends and molds and twists him to its own parameters, he manages to make the world somewhat bend and mold and twist to himself.   Do you know what I really really wish for John and Aeryn and the kid after the end of PKW? A few years of total peace, where they can just travel the space in Moya, and John can do his research, and be with Aeryn and watch their child grow, without having to worry about saving his and their lives every other day.

OK, these are getting epically long omg.

How do you think the members would react to an s/o with nipple piercings?

PHEW. ANON. You just took me OUT. I simply love this concept 

Let’s take a walk. 

Chan: At first, he would be completely flustered--but that’s because he actually finds them really fuckin’ hot and won’t know what to say about it at first. Chan thinks that you look gorgeous with anything or nothing on so this would just add to the effect. He’s big into looking at you when he’s fucking you so seeing the way your chest looks like with the piercings when he’s above you makes him absolutely loose it. Also a big fan of giving them all the kisses. 

Minho: I think that we all know this mans is most likely into some kinky shiz so when you get them (or have them) he’s probably like “fucking yes, finally.” He would literally play with them any chance that he got even if it isn’t really “the time.” Something else that he dies for is when you play with them when he’s fucking you, going down on you or using toys on you. His ego skyrockets knowing that he makes you feel that good. 

Changbin: Similar to Chan, he would be really flustered over them, but then would want to put his hands all over your nipples and worship the hell out of them. I’m a big believer in Changbin being addicted to giving you body praise bc he wants you to see yourself how he does. It makes him insane when he’s sucking on them and hearing you moan, he’d say, “does that feel good baby? you’re so pretty and perky for me.” 

Hyunjin: you know what he finds cuming on your pierced nipples irresistible. Like no cap he thinks that you look gorgeous with them and when he cums, he’s just adding to the art ;) He’s definitely one to ask you if he can suck on them pretty regularly or when he’s feeling horny just to start off. On another note, something about them kinda triggers something in him that makes him want you to top tf out of him. I don’t make the rules. 

Jisung: This boy. I feel like I’ve seen in so many places that Jisung is almost always horned up and I can’t agree more. These piercings??? Not helping his case, and you know it. You would purposefully wear thin shirts just so he could see your nipples and the piercings. It’s nearly impossible for him to not get hard when he sees them. OH and if you send him videos of you playing with them??? He’d be practically begging for you to come over so he can give you (and them) the attention you deserve. 

Felix: I feel like he would be kind of intimated by them at first, mostly bc he doesn’t want to hurt you at all when he plays when them (even after they are long healed). But of course he loves them, and they make him really really excited similar to Jisung. He’d be the kind to give them lots of slow and thoughtful attention, licking them carefully, almost painfully till you’re a bit of a mess. And ya know, him and Hyunjin can agree that they make you look insanely powerful. 

Seungmin: He’d be really surprised when you got them or finds out you have them, but he’d still love you all the same bc they are a part of you and wants to use them to his advantage to make you feel good. He’d ask you how you like having them sucked on or played with and do exactly that. Tbh he’ll kinda forget you have them bc he sees you just so naturally, he’ll see them under your shirt every once and a while and get pretty damn flustered. 

PROLOGUE ~ ART

A/N: WE DID IT!!! 🎉 this was honestly an adventure to write, idk what i was doing LOL i mean i hope its good but just want to remind you, this is my first dc fic soooo yeah go easy on me 😬 tf when my blog looks soft af and then i write this filth OH WELL ~ kuri

side note ~ for the sake of the undressing part, imagine you're wearing some denim shorts with a fitted tube top that has a zipper in the front holding whole thing closed :) shirakawa's outfit is as pictured in the official art except at the end

Pairing: Shirakawa Katsuyuki x Fem!Reader [ft. Kamiya Carlos]

Genre: Dark Content (DC), Smut (M) ~ SEXUAL CONTENT

[[ WARNING ~ this fic contains content that may be triggering to some readers; reader discretion is advised ]]  dubcon, noncon, mentions of alcohol/intoxication, strong language, name calling/degradation, vomiting, implied somnophilia

Word Count: 6.3k im sorry ok

@villain-hotline (surprise! i featured your mans 😙)

The morning sun’s rays that peeked through the blinds seemed way too bright when your eyes first cracked open. With your head pounding and the rancid aftertaste of liquor lingering in your mouth, you felt like shit overall, making for a rather unpleasant start to your day.

What the fuck happened? you thought as you forced yourself to sit up, but the sudden movement made the aching pain in your head swell and a soft groan made its way past your lips.

“You’re finally up,” an unknown male’s voice spoke and it didn’t take long for you to spot the source. A boy with dark burgundy colored hair was sat at his desk and he appeared to have been studying, that is prior to him realizing that you were awake.

“Sh-Shirakawa-kun?!” you exclaimed in surprise, jumping a little and releasing your grip on the sheets that were apparently covering your entirely nude body. Did I…?! Oh my god… You were struck by sheer horror as the realization that you’d really gotten yourself into a huge ass mess started to sink in. How could you be so stupid?

“Being respectful now, huh? Cute. You woke up just in time, too. I was thinking it’d be a good time for me to take a break from my work,” he spoke as he stood up from his seat and started making his way over to the bed, “Since you’re already ready for me.”

“W-what?!” you yelped, pulling the sheets over you again to cover your exposed body, despite the fact that he’d likely seen it all already.

“Last night, you were a totally different person,” Shirakawa smirked as he climbed into bed with you, brushing a few loose strands of hair out of your face as he scooted himself closer to you, “You were literally all over me and you were so into it, so fucking hot… I mean, not that having you vulnerable like this isn’t hot, it’s just that I’ll have to do more work to make you cooperate.”

His words shook you to the bone, your ability to form words suddenly starting to malfunction as you tried to wrap your head around the situation you were in. This was your classmate that yeah, you might’ve had a small crush on, but you’d never talked to him before, never interacted with him before… maybe you’d made eye contact with him in class like one time, but that’s it. Now, you were in his goddamn bed, naked with absolutely no recollection of how you got there or what had even happened last night and he seemed to be coaxing you into having sex with him.

Of course, it wasn’t hard for you to put two and two together when all the facts were laid out in front of you, but getting yourself to believe it was a different story. You wanted to believe that he was playing some kind of crude joke on you or that you we’re just stuck in some really bad dream; you wanted to believe that none of this was real, but truth be told, even though you couldn’t remember it, you knew the reality all too well. The fact that you probably slept with Shirakawa at the party last night while you were black out drunk was just a really hard pill for you to swallow.

[[the night before]]

“The things I do for people…” you muttered under your breath, thinking about what you should do to pass the time. You didn’t hate parties, but you didn’t exactly love them either. If it was completely on you, you would’ve chosen not to come, at least not to this one because you knew you weren’t going to recognize too many people there. Normally, you only went to parties to go crazy with your friends, but this once, you decided to go, solely for the sake of your roommate, who you weren’t even that close with. For whatever reason, in order for her to go hook up with the guy she wanted, you had to come with her and even though you completely resented the idea, you ended up agreeing anyways because you didn’t want to be the bitch who ruined a good opportunity for her.

So now, here you were, at a house party where you had yet to recognize any of the guests and frankly, you were starting to feel quite uncomfortable. Talking and socializing with strangers wasn’t exactly your forte, not while you were sober anyways, so you decided there was only one way for you to relax and at least somewhat enjoy yourself since you were already here. Probably wasn’t the best idea… definitely wasn’t the best idea to go ham with the drinks, but you were impatient and didn’t like enduring the dreadful feeling of not belonging. You knew that getting yourself a little buzzed would loosen you up and ease your mind a little, but after taking more than one too many shots, you were way beyond ‘a little buzzed.’ That was the other problem with not going with your friends; there was no one there to monitor how much you were drinking.

Finally, after having god knows how many drinks, you spotted a familiar face. He was more of an acquaintance than a friend, but with the amount of alcohol you had in your bloodstream now, you were feeling social enough to approach him anyways, so without a second of hesitation, you made your way over to him to strike up a conversation.

“Oh my god! Shirakawa!” you blurted as you approached a boy who was sitting on the couch with a beer in hand and a few other girls sitting on either side of him, “Aren’t you in my math class?”

Averting his focus from his conversation with the other girls to you, he answered, “Yeah, we’re in math together. I’m glad to see you here.”

“Oh stop! I’m glad to see you here!” you giggled as you squeezed onto the couch next to him with both legs slung over his thigh. You’re sure the other girls who you’d cut off mid-conversation were giving you some ugly stares as they got up and left to go somewhere else, but you were too intoxicated to care; you were happy that you finally found someone to talk to, even if you didn’t really know him well.

“I live here,” he scoffed and shook his head at you, “You’re so drunk… and she said you weren’t into parties…”

“Liking alcohol doesn’t mean liking parties! Pft, Shirakawa, you’re so funny!” you laughed, lightly slapping his chest, “I only came because my roommate told me I had to go with her.”

“She didn’t tell you why?”

“I dunno, she just said she wanted to fuck some dude here! How lame is that? I don’t need to be here for her to get on some guy’s cock, psh. Whatever!”

“I invited you. I told her I’d hook her up if she brought you.”

“Oh my god, really?!” you gasped dramatically and flung a hand over your chest, “I’m flattered that such a fine gentleman as yourself would invite me to your party! Now, what was your first name again? Ka… Katsu…zaki? Kazu… yoki? Ka… Ka—”

“Katsuyuki.”

“Oh yeah! Right, right… But we're friends now so I’ll just call you Kacchan!”

“Tch…” Shirakawa scoffed to himself in amusement, “All that just to call me Kacchan? Idiot.”

“Hey! I’m not an idiot! I’m actually doing really well in most of my classes! Especially… math…” Your whiny tone quickly faded into a more seductive one as you scooted yourself forward, onto his lap, arms wrapping around his neck as your lips ghosted over his ear. “If you’re ever looking for a tutor…” you whispered, “I’d be more than happy to help.”

“I might take you up on that offer,” he smirked, placing his beer bottle down on the coffee table in front of the couch to free his hands.

“Did I mention that you look really sexy in this button down and ripped jeans?” you flirted as you shifted from your position on his one leg, to straddle him instead, “It probably looks better on the floor though!”

“I guess you’ll have to try it and see,” he replied with a shrug and the most smug expression plastered on his face.

“Don’t tempt me, Kacchan! I really will do it!” you giggled, booping his nose with your index, “You’re so hot.”

“Likewise.”

With that, you leaned in and went for a kiss, no thinking, just doing as your drunken lips collided with his. It’d been a while since the last time you were intimate with someone, so to say that you were desperate might even be an understatement. You were normally good about controlling yourself in terms of your libido, putting lots of care and consideration into what kind of guys you slept with, but not tonight. With your mind under the influence, your body had nothing left to act on but sheer instinct, simply pouncing on the first prey that appeared. Being as attractive as he was though, Shirakawa was a pretty good catch, you thought.

You hummed in satisfaction feeling his hands graze over your ass and giving it a nice squeeze as he pulled you closer to him whilst thrusting his hips upward just enough to get some friction. He wanted you too, he’d been wanting you since the first day of classes and you didn’t even want to know what kind of disgusting fantasies he’d had about you from then ‘til now, but not to fret; you’d find out eventually.

Forcing his tongue past your lips, he swirled it around your own wet muscle, savoring the strong taste of liquor that still remained with his skillful movements, enticing your soft moans to float into his mouth.

“Damn, you really did drink too much,” Shirakawa sneered as he pulled away, fixing his lips onto your neck instead. In a hushed tone, he spoke between kisses, “Good for me though, I would’ve spiked one of your drinks instead if it weren’t for you being so careless.”

“Kacchan!” you gasped sarcastically before throwing your head back to give him full access, “You’re so naughty! Why are you giving away your dirty secrets?”

“Because you won’t remember them tomorrow,” he remarked with a devilish grin before proceeding his assault on your neck, now adding little nips and harsh sucking here and there.

“Ah! Kacchan, it feels so good!” you cried out, making Shirakawa abruptly halt his actions to grab you by the jaw and bring you face to face with him.

“Look at you, moaning like a fucking slut,” Shirakawa stated quietly, a hint of agression threaded in his tone, “You better shut the fuck up before I shove my cock down your throat… or we can just skip the foreplay, your choice.”

“I’m not trying to be loud, you’re just so damn good with your mouth,” you whined, your voice muffled from the way Shirakawa was squeezing your cheeks so tightly.

“I haven’t even started yet,” he scoffed as he released his grip on your face and placed his hand back on your ass, “One more outburst from you and you’re gonna get it. There’re still guests here and as much as I’d love to humiliate you in front of all these people, I don’t think they’d enjoy it the same.”

“Kacchan, don’t be like that,” you pouted, flitting your eyelashes at him while your index drew small circles over his chest.

“Well, then shut up when I’m touching you.”

With one hand still groping your ass, his other crept up to the nape of your neck, slim digits combing gently through the base of your hairline before his fist clenched around a hand full of your hair and tugged your head back. In an effort to suppress any moans that threatened to slip past your lips, you’d pursed them, resulting in some kind of weird, muffled grunt sound instead when he planted his lips against your collarbone. Gradually, he worked his way all the way down to the seam of your top, his hands now caressing your sides, thumbs intentionally grazing over your soft breasts whenever he was close enough to reach.

“Here,” you offered cheekily as you reached for the zipper that held your top closed, slowly starting to pull it down when firm hands stopped you.

“My mistake, you don’t moan like a slut, you are one,” Shirakawa spoke bluntly, forcing you to rezip your top. “There’s no need for you to flaunt your tits to the whole party. They’re reserved for me tonight.”

“Ooh! So possessive,” you smirked, raising your eyebrows playfully, “I like it.” Wrapping your arms around his neck, you pulled him into another kiss, hands fisting at his sleek, burgundy locks for a brief moment before they moved down to his shirt, slowly beginning to undo the buttons. You were surprised, but glad that he let you continue until you had his shirt fully opened revealing his smooth, toned abdomen, the body of an obvious athlete. “Damn, Kacchan! Look at you!” you beamed with hearts in your eyes and drool practically dripping out of your mouth, “Talk about chocolate abs!” Climbing off of his lap, you slid down onto the floor, positioning yourself between his legs as you ran your hands along the ridges of his sculpted muscles, relishing the beautiful sight before you. From his abs, your hands slid down to his hips, then thighs before gripping thoroughly to hoist yourself up enough that your face was directly in line with his navel.

You could feel his piercing stare burning a hole through your head as he cautiously anticipated your next moves, but in your current delirius state, it managed to egg you on rather than intimidate you. Chuckling to yourself, you leaned in toward his body, circling the tip of your tongue around the small abdominal depression before licking a stripe up his stomach, stopping just below his chest. Your peripherals had barely caught a glimpse of the bulge forming beneath the tight jeans of your sadistic classmate along with an infuriated expression displayed on his face when he had abruptly yanked you up by your hair once again, his aggressive gesture forcing you onto your feet.

“That’s it. Let’s go,” he demanded, firmly grabbing you by the wrist before storming away from the party scene.

“Wait up!” you called eagerly, stumbling as you struggled to catch up to his quick pace, but clinging onto his bicep once you did. “Are you shy about being hard in public?” you teased, reaching down to grab his crotch with one of your hands to which he quickly swatted away.

“Have some decency, you dumb whore. You really couldn’t wait two more seconds?” he snapped before shoving you into a room which you assumed to be his, and slammed the door behind him. Hastily, he unbuckled his belt and undid his pants before pulling down the waistband of his briefs to free his length. He knew how quickly you’d reach for it once he’d exposed it, so before you could, he placed a hand atop your head and shoved you down to your knees just in front of the foot of his bed.

“Open up,” he demanded, his voice calm but uncanny as he held his member by the shaft, the tip hovering over your lips. Being obedient, you did as he said, but before you could really savor the taste of his warm skin, he jerked his hips forward, driving his cock into the back of your throat. Gagging around his girth, you pushed him away by the hips, tears welling in your eyes while you tried to somewhat regain your composure.

“You’re gonna make me throw up,” you spoke weakly, to which he chuckled before replying.

“Normally, I wouldn’t buy that, but you are pretty fucked up right now and I don’t want to clean up puke, so…” he trailed off before tilting your head up by the chin and forcing you to look up at him while he pumped himself with his other hand, “How about you give me some head, and if you’re actually good at it, I’ll be a little nicer to you afterwards. Maybe.”

“Deal!” you replied with little to no hesitation, crawling forward to meet his slick head, pushing his hand away as you wrapped your fingers around his shaft and took him into your mouth in one quick motion.

“Fuck,” he muttered breathily as he watched you aggressively bobbing your head, lips sealed tightly around him with your cheeks hollowed and tongue pressing up against his underside. “Who would’ve thought,” he started, his voice eerie and quiet as he combed his fingers through your hair, “That after you’ve had a few drinks you turn into a filthy little slut. And here I thought I’d be the one corrupting you.”

Though you’d heard what he’d said, you did nothing to acknowledge it, instead continuing with your handiwork on his manhood. You didn’t know what kind of things he had in store for you ‘afterwards,’ whatever that meant, but in the moment, you focused solely on giving the best head you’ve ever given in your life because aside from his ultimatum, you couldn’t help but think that making him cum would be quite a satisfying experience. He always put on such a strong face and upheld this dark, cold demeanor; it spawned in you a desire to see him crumble just this once, but it seemed his plans didn’t quite line up with yours, only letting you have your way for a few minutes more before withdrawing himself from you and taking a step back. “Not bad,” he admitted with a rather impressed look on his face, sliding the open collar of his dress shirt off his shoulders and letting the dark material fall to the floor, “But I’ve had better.”

“But I could make you cum if you’d just give me a few more minutes!” you protested, reaching out to grab his throbbing member, but before you could, he abruptly stopped you with a painfully tight grip around your wrist.

“A few more minutes?” he sneered, his raised brows making for the most condescending expression, “You think your pathetic performance would get me off in a few minutes? Even if you could, you really think I’d let you do that when we have all night?”

“You said it wasn’t bad earlier!” you whined as you reached out to grab his cock with your other hand and quickly take him into his mouth again. You’d barely gotten a taste when he firmly placed his free palm to your forehead and pushed you away.

“Get on the bed,” he ordered, his tone menacing, but composure kept as he let go of your wrists, closely observing your movements to see if you would defile his wishes. “If you don’t do as I say, I’ll happily make you.”

Letting out a disappointed sigh, you grudgingly complied, but not without any complaints. “You’re no fun, Kacchan,” you pouted as you sat on the bed, waiting for him to join you.

“You won’t be saying that while I’m fucking you, I’m sure,” he jeered, eyeing you down like a hungry predator as he crawled on top of you and pinned your wrists above your head with one hand. With his other hand, he went for the zipper of your top, pulling it all the way down in one smooth stroke to reveal your breasts, letting the skimpy material fall on either side of your ribs. Taking a good look at them, he hummed in amusement before cupping one of them beneath his palm and toying with your nipple, “For someone who was so confident in showing off their tits, I’m not that impressed.”

“Why grope them then?” you sassed back, expecting some kind of rash punishment, but instead, he just laughed.

“Wow, how bold of you,” he answered, pinching hard on your nipple and forcing a yelp out of you, “Tits are still tits.”

“That hurts…” you whined, but with your wrists trapped under his firm grip, you were unable to stop him and simply ended up writhing beneath him. The sadistic grin forming on his face sent chills down your spine, making you wonder whether or not you were actually enjoying this; you’d never had a sexual partner before with the same sinister aura that Shirakawa possessed so in a way, it was an exhilarating experience, but at the same time, you weren’t fully accustomed to these kinds of violent mannerisms.

“You better not act up,” he threatened upon finally releasing your wrists, using his freed hand to brace himself while he peppered kisses down your chest, lips enveloping your other nipple with teeth grazing the raised bud. Parting his lips from your sensitive skin momentarily, he whispered, “I have restraints,” before resuming.

“I—” you stuttered, the sensations he inflicted making it difficult for you to speak, “I won’t.”

“Good,” he answered smuggly, at last relinquishing your breasts and letting his calloused hands glide slowly down your sides, fully tracing your figure before making quick work of your shorts and panties. “My, my, what a naughty girl,” he scorned with wide eyes and a maniacal grin, relishing the glorious sight before him, “You’re enjoying every second of this, aren’t you?” Running the pad of his index finger through your glistening folds, he took your essence into his mouth with a pleased hum before quickly aligning himself to your entrance. “I guess you didn’t mind skipping the foreplay because you didn’t need it.”

“I dunno, Kacchan, I’ve never done it without foreplay befo—ORE!” Before you could finish, he rammed his hips into you without warning, making you scream out the last part of your sentence. It stung a little, but more than anything, you were startled by his abrupt actions and how he managed to hit your cervix with his first stroke.

“Damn, you’re fucking tight,” he groaned as he withdrew slowly, but only about half way before slamming into you once more. Even as he continued this pattern, you struggled to adjust to the sudden jolt of both pleasure and pain with each brutal thrust and even with your attempts to constrain yourself, you cried out helplessly every damn time. Your sounds only did more to feed Shirakawa’s burning libido though, his desperation apparent by the way his teasing, jerky movements gradually smoothed out into a rough, but steady rhythm.

With his change of pace came a change of sensation, the preceding pain from his consecutive hits to your womanhood having quickly subsided and replaced by the blissful feeling of his cock rubbing up against your g-spot. He was skillful in his movements and effortlessly, he’d gotten you awfully close to climaxing when a knock sounded at the door, causing Shirakawa to halt his actions and let out an irritated groan.

“You stay here,” he demanded as he pulled out, tucking his erection back into his briefs as he climbed off the bed, leaving you feeling cold and empty.

You watched in confusion as he moved his chair aside, clearing a path to drag his desk in front of his door, but before he could complete his task, the door cracked open revealing a taller, built man whose upper half was bare.

“Go away,” Shirakawa growled, momentarily battling against the mysterious man to close the door, but ultimately, he failed, being the smaller of the two.

“Wow! What a pretty girl you’ve got here!” the mystery man mused as he shut the door behind him, making his way over to you with hungry, lust filled eyes, “Why wasn’t I invited?”

“I gave you a girl,” Shirakawa shot back, rushing back toward the bed to salvage his prized possession, “This one's mine.”

“The one you gave me wasn’t cute,” he argued with a hint of attitude, climbing into bed with the two of you despite how Shirakawa’s body language urged him not to. “I’m Carlos, by the way. I’m his friend and roommate,” he revealed smugly, gently stroking your face for a second before Shirakawa smacked his hand away.

“I unfriended you after you gave me the room with a broken lock,” he replied furiously, taking his anger out on your breasts as he aggressively groped them and pinched on your nipples.

“Don’t be like that,” Carlos coaxed, his rough, calloused hand caressing your abdomen before slowly travelling down your hips, inching dangerously close to your dripping, touch starved sex.

“Don’t even think about it,” Shirakawa protested, flinging the foreign hand aside and filling the void with his now semi-hard manhood. A moan of relief slipped past your lips as his warm flesh filled you up once again, the feeling of him growing and stiffening within your slick walls providing added sensation as he resumed the steady rocking of his hips.

“What an angel,” Carlos hummed as he stroked himself over the material of his pants, watching attentively as Shirakawa rapidly picked up his pace, milking sweet, desperate cries from you in the process. “At least give me her mouth,” Carlos pleaded, his hand doing little to relieve his pent up tension.

“No. You’re here uninvited. You can watch.”

“Damn, so greedy.”

Finally ignoring his insensitive roommate, Shirakawa reverted his focus back to you, pounding away at your raw, aching pussy, eager to elicit any possible sounds he could from you.

“K-Kacchan!” you moaned out, thighs shaking, toes curled with your nails digging into his back as you fought back your first orgasm of the night.

“C’mon, cum on my cock, slut. Don’t be shy,” Shirakawa urged, his voice raspy and breathy as he continued to annihilate your cunt. With his consecutive hits to that sweet spot deep in your core, he unravelled the coil in the pit of your stomach, rupturing ecstasy through every inch of your quivering body. With your eyes rolled back and the sound of your strained groans resonating throughout the room, your walls pulsated around Shirakawa’s throbbing member while you rode out your high, making him cease his movements in fear of releasing sooner than he anticipated.

Slowly, you opened your eyes, vision cloudy as you attempted to regain your composure and catch your breath after, though, it seemed to be more difficult than usual. You felt that Shirakawa hadn’t withdrawn himself from you yet, but there was no cum, nor was he moving, so you asked him faintly, “What are you doing?”

“Giving you a break before we go again,” he answered in a raspy tone, his head hung while he allowed himself to calm down for a second more.

Both of you had forgotten that Carlos was still there to be honest, that was until he spoke up during your brief resting period, “Actually, he had to stop because he was about to cum.”

“Did she ask you?” Shirakawa snapped, glaring at his roommate who had his dick out and was shamelessly stroking himself as he spoke.

“No, but you shouldn’t lie to your sex partners, Shirakawa,” he chuckled, making Shirakawa roll his eyes, but he gave no verbal response which Carlos took as an oportunity to butt in more. “You’ll let me cum on her face at least, right?” he suggested, propping himself onto his knees as he jerked himself just above your face.

“Whatever,” Shirakawa muttered under his breath as he gripped tightly onto your hips before proceeding to fuck you into the bed.

You let out a half hearted giggle seeing Carlos hovering above you, reaching up to fondle his balls while you tried to speak, voice excited, but choppy given Shirakawa’s angry hips slapping against yours was shaking the bed. “I-I wanna su-uck his di-ick!”

“What?” Shirakawa blurted, slowing his movements enough to hear clearly what you were saying, though he had a feeling he heard correctly.

“I want to suck Carlos’s dick,” you replied hysterically, eyes barely even opened in your demented state.

“Too bad.” Furiously shutting down your request, he went straight back to pulverizing your insides.

“How rude of you to deny such a pretty girl of her request,” Carlos cocked his head as he spoke, slipping the index finger of his free hand into your mouth which you willingly accepted and enveloped with your lips and tongue.

“She’s not even that good at it.”

“Well then, all the more reason to give her to me.”

“Fine!” Shirakawa growled as he pulled out sharply, his bruising grip on your hips making you wince. “Get on your knees, you dumb brat.”

“Thank you, Kacchan!” you slurred, wobbling as you shifted your weakening form onto your hands and knees with Carlos directly in front of you, standing at the bedside and Shirakawa behind you.

“Shut up,” he replied with a slap to your ass before teasing your entrance with the tip of his cock.

“He’s an asshole, isn’t he?” Carlos spoke sweetly, patting your head as he fed you his slick head, slathered with pre-cum. “I always treat my partners like princesses.”

“Tch,” Shirakawa scoffed, “I hope she pukes on you,” and without warning, he rammed his full length into you, the new angle making you cry out with your lips still encompassing Carlos’s throbbing member.

You felt yourself trembling as you struggled to hold yourself up, unable to reciprocate much to Carlos, especially with Shirakawa beating you from behind. Quickly catching on, Carlos grabbed the back of your head and began thrusting into your mouth, chasing his own high while Shirakawa persisted with enticing yours. With so much happening simultaneously, you started to feel dizzy, your face heating and vision tunnelling accompanied by a queasiness in your stomach. It seemed thanks to his earlier stimulation, Carlos didn’t need a whole lot to get off and in a relatively short time, he held your face flush to his abdomen as he released his thick seed down your throat. Though you didn’t prefer it, you could normally swallow without a problem, but unfortunately, not today. Just moments after he’d stepped away, you spewed probably ninety percent of the alcohol you’d consumed along with your dinner, which miraculously missed Carlos by a hair's width.

“You’re cleaning that,” Shirakawa sassed, completely unbothered by your episode, his rhythm not faltering for even a second while he continued to exploit you.

“Fine,” Carlos agreed, leaving the room to find cleaning supplies.

That was the last thing you heard before the surrounding sounds turned into echoes and gradually started to fade out. Your sense of touch, however, still remained in your final moments of consciousness, Shirakawa managing to milk one last orgasm from you before you finally collapsed into his sheets.

* * *

Shirakawa’s very brief descriptions of the previous night’s events sounded completely foreign to you, though the feeling of his lips against yours felt vaguely familiar. You could possibly enjoy the kissing if you tried hard enough, but fighting against him ripping his sheets away from your body was much less so. After a cafe date or two, maybe you’d be willing to sleep with him again, but today, you couldn’t even begin to think about it. Your head was still pounding, your body ached, and you felt filthy likely from dried sweat and well, the sticky remnants smeared along your inner thighs, but you decided to ignore the last part.

“C’mon, be a good girl and let go,” Shirakawa exhorted as he disconnected your lips, the calmness of his voice giving off a rather creepy vibe. Shaking your head, he chuckled, cupping your face in one of his hands before proceeding, “I’m sure you don’t remember, but I have restraints. I’ll use them if you don’t want to listen.”

“Why are you doing this?” you whimpered, trying to swallow the lump forming in your throat as to not show him any signs of weakness.

“Because Carlos rudely interrupted our session last night. But now I get to have you all to myself.”

“C-Carlos?”

“Oh right, of course you don’t remember him even though you wanted so badly to suck his damn cock,” he mocked, the rage in his eyes sending chills down your spine. You could feel tears starting to well up in your eyes despite your attempts to prevent it, so you tried to turn your head away from him to hide your fear, but it was to no avail; he just turned you right back to face him. “Don’t cry,” he whispered, wiping away a stray tear with his thumb, “It only hurts if you misbehave.”

Your lips quivered at his words, wetness streaming down your cheeks with your steady breaths turning into sharp gasps. You couldn’t believe how dumb you’d been to have wound up in a terrible position like this; maybe it really would’ve been worth it to be the bitch who ruined a good opportunity for your roommate, but now it was too late for second thoughts. Knowing you were too weak to fight your way out of your current situation, you finally gave in, hesitantly releasing your grip on the sheets resulting in a nasty smirk spreading across Shirakawa’s face.

“Good girl. I’m glad you made the right decision,” he praised before pulling you into another kiss. His lips remained attached to yours as he ripped the sheet away from your body, his hand going straight to you breast and massaging it in smooth circles while his other hand reached around to the nape of your neck. Planting little pecks along your jaw and down your neck, he stopped to suck the skin just above your collarbone making you wince while the hand that cupped your breast slid down your body southward, quickly finding your dry slit and toying with it.

“What a pity,” he mumbled against the base of your neck before pulling away, “You were literally soaked last night, and I didn’t have to do a single thing.”

Your breath hitched in your throat as he backed away from you, his cold hands grazing your thighs as he positioned himself between your legs and crouched down. His hot breath fanning over your sex made you grimace, knowing all too well what was yet to come. He stalled, however, caressing your hips and inner thighs while he fawned quietly, “With how well you took me last night, I’ll surely return the favor.”

“Y-you don’t have to… really…” you stuttered nervously, thinking that maybe there was some way out of this.

“It would be rude not to,” he countered, refusing to let you get away so easily and with that, he delved into your pussy, dragging his wet tongue up the length of your folds before sealing his lips around your clit.

“S-stop,” you pleaded, grabbing a fistful of his burgundy locks to separate him from your sensitive spot.

“Why? Because it feels good?” he scoffed, snatching your wrist and squeezing it tightly, “If you abuse your freedom one more time, I’m tying you up. Now let go.”

Whimpering at his painful grip, you released his hair, grudgingly submitting again to his wishes. Your eyes were still damp with tears as you watched him descend between your legs, the tip of his tongue drawing small circles around your hooded bulb before reclaiming it between his lips. You resisted the urge to moan, but he was… unsurprisingly skillful with his mouth, making you squirm against his firm hold on your hips. Pulling away with an ominous chuckle, he slid a finger into you, curling it a few times just to get a reaction out of you before pulling out.

“It’s an improvement,” he nodded to himself as he licked his finger clean, “I doubt I’ll make you as wet as you were last night though.”

You wanted to cry out again and tell him to stop, but remembering his threat about restraints, you held your tongue, wanting to enjoy the little freedom you actually had… if you could even call it that. Biting your lip, you fought back your sounds once more as he teased your clit with his experienced tongue and this time, inserting two of his slim digits past your lower lips. The intrusion hurt, but still you suppress your sounds for fear of upsetting him and making things worse. Really, you just wanted to get it over with, so you endured, cringing to yourself while he enticed you to cum on his fingers.

While your brain refused, your body couldn’t resist. Squeezing your eyes shut, you willed the building tension in your lower region to go away, but of course, it doesn’t work that way. Just moments later, you released on him, back arching and head thrown back with your lower lip clenched between your teeth, though it did nothing to silence your moans.

“Now this, I can work with,” he grinned proudly to himself as he pulled down the waistband of his sweats and boxers with his thumb to release his strained erection. “You should be thankful that I like you, I could’ve fucked you dry. In comparison to last night, I’m being extremely nice to you.”

Void of words, you simply looked away from him, anticipating the sheer agony of his next moves. Pressing his tip up against your wetness, he eased himself in, the slow stretch making your brows knit together in pain.

“You’re even tighter than yesterday,” Shirakawa grunted, quickly establishing a steady rhythm, “Don’t worry though, I’ll make it quicker this time.”

He didn’t lie when he said he’d be quicker, picking up speed gradually, but persistently until he was bucking his hips erratically, the way his body tensed up telling you he was close to finishing.

“Don’t cum in me,” you blurted, driven by your last bit of hope that you’d get out of this with minimal consequences, but in an instant, your hopes were crushed.

“Too late. I came in you last night, and I’m gonna cum in you now.”

With one last intense thrust, his hot release spilled into your cavern, the warmth filling you up from the inside inducing a feeling of disgust.

“You’re a monster,” you sniffled, wiping away the droplets gathering on your lashes before they could fall.

“Thanks. I’ll take that as a compliment since it came from you.”

Hey!

I love Penelope Douglas for sure check her out! She writes some of the best smut tbh. I’m working my way through her devils night series right now-I’m on book 2. It’s good so far, definitely dark though. I’m interested to see how she goes about a redemption arc for the character Damon right now I don’t think he deserves one but I hear such good things about his book, Killswitch, but that’s book 3 so I will see how it goes. I definitely recommend Birthday Girl from her though I loved it and the couple from it are my favorite age gap could I’ve ever read. I find myself still re reading some of their best moments.

I am slightly embarrassed by Credence though so I hope it doesn’t bother you too much if you read it. Just so you know before going into it, it is about her and her step uncle/cousins. To be fair they are not blood related and very distance to the point she didn’t even know about them. But she does call him Uncle Jake during a sex scene, and the two others call her cousin during one too. There’s also a MMF scene with her two cousins. But on top of that there is a sexual assault scene (it does get stopped but the intent is there)-personally I wasn’t a fan of how she inwardly dealt with that scenario it felt like she was blaming herself for it instead of holding the other character accountable. Uncle Jake also does kiss her when she is still 17. So if any of that makes you uncomfortable don’t read it.

I’m so happy you liked the atlas six as much as I did. I can’t believe we have to wait until next year for the sequel to see what happens. It’s too long!! I also liked Callum the least, I still appreciated his character though and what he brings to the story I just wasn’t a fan of his, probably because of his problems with Libby/Parisa. Plus his powers terrify me-as someone who likes to have full control of my emotions the fact that someone could just change everything scares me. I also loved Nico he is my typical character that I love the whole I’m an asshole but soft and caring for the people I love gets me every time. Parisa is my queen though I’m obsessed with her. Like I’m literally in love with her, I wish she was real so she could be with me instead. Not that she would because I’m broke have 0 magic or power to give to her, but still. But I have a thing for power hungry women so I was gone the second I met her. But anyway if she was real she could destroy me or do anything she wanted to me and I would say thank you. Reina I also love and agree she could destroy the whole planet and one day probably will. I just love how she is there and wants all that knowledge but also doesn’t give a fuck about anyone else. Tristan also grew on me I’m still not completely sure how much I like or don’t like him yet he gets annoying sometimes because he is constantly in his mind about his alliances but I also love how loyal and caring he is. Libby is my girl!! I also relate to her as well since I was an outcast and battled inadequacy and all that (you and I must have some stuff in common!) Out of all the characters I relate to her the most and am rooting for her so hard-also because the author made her from Pittsburgh and I’m also from the area so I felt personally attached. But Olivie just did an interview and said Libby is getting a corruption arc and I am so excited about it!!

Okay ships- so I will be honest and I think it’s an unpopular opinion but oh well-I am a nicolibby stan. They have every single dynamic that I love in a ship and they could potentially be my favorite book couple of all time if that is the road they are being taken. Honestly I was obsessed with them from their first interaction so i have it bad for them. Obviously I know they were not romantic in this book but the potential (at least for me) was there especially in some of their quotes in the end. I fully believe they are soulmates though-even the author said they were born on the same day and feel like their other half is missing in an interview once-whether that will be platonic soulmates or romantic soulmates I have no idea and I could see either happening. My heart will break if it is platonic but it’s okay I can just live in my own little head about their potential.

But I get the idea and also like both libbytristan and NicoGideon and could see those happening instead of nicolibby too. I wouldn’t say I would be mad about it either-I do like both just to me the potential of nicolibby works more for me! My only thing about libbytristan though is I’m not sure how much of their tension/feelings are real (like did any of it exist before Parisa put the idea of the other person in their thoughts to lead to all the feelings.)

Weirdly enough since they probably my least favorite characters I also adore Tristan and Callum together. Their dynamic just works for me.

And I love Parisa and Dalton too and I’m so interested in how that relationship pans out because they have some stuff to figure out. But they work well together and honestly they are just so sexy together so I’m down for it. Although I do ship myself with Parisa more than her and Dalton but I’m biased.

Honestly though all the ships are wide open though so I’m curious to see what ends up being endgame. But omg yes the twist I was not expecting it-I’m so excited for the rest of this trilogy!!!

In other news though I finished up the ravenhood series. I know you said you either read it or it was on your tbr. But god I loved it. That series broke me and then put back all the pieces. If you haven’t read it and want to feel both heartbreak and happiness I highly recommend it!

Oh and don’t apologize for babbling as you can tell I also babble!!

-ACOTAR anon

Hiiiii sweets!

I've been sifting through a bunch of summaries of Penelope Doulgas' work on Goodreads and there's a bunch of stuff there I think I'd enjoy. I'm all about good smut. I didn't realize she had that many books. I'm excited! Thanks so much for the rec! I love dark romances/erotica every now and again so I'm also going to have to dive into the Devil's Night series at some point.

Oh, and idk if you know about it/read it but a couple of my friends told me about the Crossfire series by Sylvia Day a while back. It's BDSM, like Fifty Shades, but supposedly loads better. I don't know if you're into that but I figured I'd just throw it out there anyway. The smut is supposed to be steamy. I haven't read it yet but I do have the first four novels on my Kindle (where they've been sitting, unread, for about 2 years now)...so that's something haha.

And please don't be embarrassed about Credence. Seriously, the most wonderful thing about reading is you can go wherever tf you want in your imagination. No one can stop you. There are no rules. No restrictions. You can be whomever or whatever you want to be for a while, morality notwithstanding. One of my favorite things about books is that I can experience the most bonkers, outlandish out-of-this-world stuff that I'd never dream of wanting/liking in real life. It's liberating!

Thank you for the trigger warnings, though. I appreciate that. None of them sound off-putting enough to keep me from reading it. (Tbh, I want to read it more now.) I've read loads of books where characters marry or have sex with their cousins or siblings *waves at ASOIAF, the Secret History* so it doesn't bother me. I've also read most of Lolita and all of My Dark Vanessa by Kate Russell, which both romanticize pedophilia in disturbing degrees, so it takes a lot to put me off. If curiosity could kill then I'd be long dead by now. Hell, sometimes I will purposely read things I know will upset me to my core. What can I say? I'm a weirdo. 🙃

I DON'T WANT TO WAIT A YEAR FOR BOOK 2 OF THE ATLAS SERIES, EITHER. AHHHHH. How am I going to make it that long? It seems so far away!

Callum is the most terrifying of them all right now, imo. I think that's why I disliked him the most. Like you, it shook me to my core to imagine someone like him being able to toy with my emotions. I have a tendency to detach, to keep my emotions pressed close to my chest so that I can't be manipulated or hurt, and the idea that someone could have power over them, over me in that way is...no freaking thank you! I would put as much space between him and me as possible. Most of the Atlas crew had the right idea there. He does bring a lot to the story, though, like you said. I have a feeling he's going to be one of those characters I "love to hate" as the series progress. I might even grow to "hate to love" him, idk. He's just such a shady bastard! And so judgmental/mean to the girls.

I'm with you on Parisa, by the way. She's the kind of conniving, ambitious siren of a woman I can get behind. She has a similar vibe as Katherine Pierce on TVD. I mean, there's nothing in her arsenal she won't use and I love how she weaponizes her beauty. It's delicius. She's unpredictable. Definitely the type of character who inspires "scared and aroused" energy any time she walks into a room. Like, she could choke you and instead of crying you'd just ask her to do it again...harder lol.

Reina has the same kind of "no fucks given" attitude I have because I genuinely don't care what people think of me, either. I'm just here to do my thing. Be nerdy. Learn. Whatever. And Nico is my fave for the same reason as you--the asshole who only has soft edges for those who matter to him. *heart eyes*

Omg, Libby is going to have a corrupted arc? AHHHHH. That's going to be amazing, I cannot stinking wait! I was sort of hoping she'd go dark so now that it's confirmed I'm even more pumped. Also, I think you and I have more in common than either of us realized. I'm from the Pittsburgh area, too! How wild is that? Maybe there's something in the water here and that's why, like Libby, we've both felt inadequate and like outcasts at different points in our lives? Olivie might be onto something here...🤔

The thing that's been so cool for me about this series so far is that there are a bunch of potential pairings I could get behind. And I kind of like that it's not clear cut right now. Most series I know who I want together or who will be together like halfway through book 1. I like that I don't know have firm preferences and am still open. That's novel. Not to mention fun!

I don't blame you for shipping Nicolibby so hard, though. They're definitely one of my top contenders for a romantic pairing. They have that enemies-to-lovers element with witty banter that I always gravitate toward. And you're right about Libby/Tristan. I don't know how much of their connection was manufactured because Parisa intervened, either. That'll be fun to puzzle out moving forward. And Callum/Tristan should NOT be a ship I like but they have a palpable something that I can't put my finger on. I've got my eye on them, for sure.

The Ravenhood series is still on my tbr. I'm so happy to hear you enjoyed it so much, though! It's rare to read something that just ticks all your boxes. The next time I'm the mood to binge a series I'm gonna have to pick that one up. :-D

I've been trying to clear out my backlog of ARCs lately. (Not possible because I'm getting more on the regular - as in constantly haha - but I'm trying.) I just finished Wish You Were Here by Jodi Picoult, which has a Sliding Doors premise that is set during the pandemic where the main character has a parallel life experience (one, where she's in the Galapagos Islands on vacation when the shutdown hits so she's stuck there with strangers, alone, not speaking the language; the other, where she's in Manhattan with her surgeon boyfriend and recovering from COVID). It's intense but so, SO good! Picoult is such a good writer. Anything I've read by her has been moving, with rounded and real characters. I haven't been disappointed yet. I so recommend her.

Oh, and if you're into nonfiction/biographies at all I finished The Splendid and the Vile by Erik Larson not long ago, which is about Winston Churchill as well as those around him, and it was fantastic! Read more like fiction. I loved it. I am no longer surprised it was on all the BEST lists for 2020.