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tobusysinking · 2 months

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“But he was just a child”

So was I

And I’m suffering and he’s not

#cw cocsa #cocsa victim #cocsa vent #cocsa survivor #tw cocsa #csa vent #tw csa implied #csa survivor #tw csa #actually mentally ill #actually ptsd #ptsd vent #personal vent #traumatic experience #actuallytraumatized #mental health #repressed memories

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mental-illness-bingo · 9 months

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A long time ago, as a toddler, I screamed in my head for someone, anyone to help me. To make it stop hurting. To let me be free.

A man with wings like lambskin, large clawed hands, deep gray skin, and eyes like nothing I had ever seen in my couple of years stood in front of me inside of my head - what I didn't yet know was the headspace - took my small frame into his arms and said "you'll need to toughen up". That scared me more than anything.

"I don't want to be tough. I want to be small and fragile and naïve. I'm supposed to be that right now, I think. I think I would like to be soft forever."

"Okay," he said, amazing me by being a man respecting my no "then I will be tough for you."

Without hesitation, he took the form of someone my age and he lives my life for me, allowing me safety inside of the head with the alters I know are safe to be around. No more outside interaction I don't explicity choose - and he tells me if it's safe or not when I do decide to.

He has taken the risk out of people. He has allowed me the privilege of love and interaction without giving up security or the childish belief that the world can be good.

I'll never, ever say thank you enough times even if I used the breath of the entire world for the next million years.

My host saved my life, my sanity, and maybe even saved the system some trauma by being better at handling the situation, sure.

But most importantly, he saved my innocence. And he didn't even know me yet.

So dear host, when I say I love you and you are the best "brother" I could ever ask for, please don't look at me with those confused eyes. Don't shrug away and hide your demonic wings from me because they are the same ones that you wrapped around me when I was broken and believed I was beyond repair.

Your claws have never ever scratched my skin because unlike every other man, you have always been careful not to hurt me, yet you make it seem effortless. You make me wonder how careless everyone else must have been if you so easily avoid causing any harm at all.

You don't have to be embarrassed of the smell of fire in your breath or your "unnatural" eyes. These have been my comforts for as long as I have had any. That firey smell filled my lungs as you breathed life into a husk of a girl; a tattered doll. Those eyes showed me love larger than any cruelty I had experienced, as impossible as that seemed.

My dear brother, you may be a demon but you are ten times the good any man on Earth could ever be.

I did not know a man could hold me without thoughts and hands and other things under my clothes. I did not know I could feel loved by a man in an entirely platonic and familial way without being in denial of their true thoughts. I did not know safety and a man could exist in the same room.

These things that make you "evil" are the only good I know. The pieces of you that you hate are the exact parts that made you different enough to trust.

Please don't hurt yourself in the process of making yourself appear small and human for me. Human is exactly what I was afraid of. What you think will make me run and hide are the only reasons I didn't back then.

I would never, ever want you to hide even a single one of them.

Be yourself as you are, my gentle host, because that is the version of you that saved me. To me, that is the best of you.

But whoever you are, I love you and am grateful to you and those run deeper than any hurt I have ever experienced. Thank you for showing me something could be larger than the pain.

-B

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csaventing · 3 months

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Anyone else have a breakdown about something that doesn’t have to do with CSA but then the breakdown morphs into a breakdown about what happened to you?

#survivor #tw csa implied #tw csa #csa vent #trauma vent #actually traumatized #trauma #tw csa mention #tw csa vent

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tobias-hankel · 1 month

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Your "reasons I believe Spencer's father assaulted him" masterpost was very helpful while writing my last fic! I referenced it multiple times and would gladly link it to you/reference it in my author's note. Ty again!

Yesss, I would love a link to what you wrote! You are welcome to dm me a link or send it in an ask so I can reshare it. I feel like I have found even more reasons since I wrote that post. I have a hard time believing that it isn't actually canon.

I'm glad you liked the post, thanks!

Canon reasons why I believe Spencer’s father SA-ed him post

#criminal minds #spencer reid #tw csa mention #tw csa implied #tw csa #I haven't answered my asks in so long I'm so sorry to the ones waiting in my box #please resent them if you are still waiting on something #anon ask #ask

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shieldofiron · 7 months

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There are many things that I would like to ask the Duffers if given the opportunity. Things like... why?

Did Billy ever get to know that Steve wasn't luring kids to a house in the woods? Like Max says to leave them alone does Billy just think Steve is a pervert until he dies?

But also I'd really like to know why Hawkins public pool has a sauna? Did anyone's public pool have a full on sauna?? With a giant dial outside the door that you can just turn to whatever level you want?

Why did Nancy miss every time she shot at Billy in the car? I thought she was a crack shot?

How did Eddie die from the same level of bites that had Steve just running around like no big deal? And don't say adrenaline I think they both had adrenaline.

#ShieldofIron #maybe I'm poor #billy hargrove #tw csa implied

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chaotic-toby · 6 months

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☆ Billy Lenz hating his hypersexuality ☆

(TW: Brief mention of CSA. Well, its not mentioned but it is eluded to. Hypersexuality? Billy hating himself immediately after touching himself, Billy being Billy. A mental breakdown?)

This is just a short thing inspired by how I am feeling right now. This contains sexual things in it, so 18+ people only (it feels so weird to say that. I'm not used to being an adult yet)

Billy panted loudly as he turned off his makeshift vibrator-- something he found in the attic that was definitely not made with sexual intent in mind, but desperate times calls for desperate measures, and Billy had been extremely desperate. It had been what seemed like forever since he last masturbated, and the feeling was eating him up inside. A burning sensation in his core that could only be extinguished by a satisfying climax.

He was definitely satisfied now. Within the span of probably around an hour and a half (he wasn't keeping track of time), he had came five or six times, all with a great build up with an even sweeter release.

Billy shoved the vibrator back into the massage toy and threw it somewhere. The attic was quiet, as well as the rooms under it-- all the sorority girls were gone for some kind of lunch, so now he was left with his thoughts. Every time he masturbated, Billy couldn't help but think about it, analyzing everything he did, how he felt, what he thought of, without a fail. Laying there, Billy bit his lip as a wave of shame came over him. After what had happened to him, how could he enjoy sex or anything sexual? He should despise sex, not embrace it. Yet, here he was. Jerking off on the floor of some dusty attic that needed a serious deep clean.

"Filthy Billy..." The man whispered to himself, hands going up to tug on his hair, "Filthy Billy. Filthy Billy. Disgusting... Filthy Billy. You know what you did."

He was slowly getting louder as he spoke on, his breathing picking up as well. He started making pig noises, "Nasty pig. You're such a nasty pig. Don't tell them what I did!" Billy kicked the nearest thing to him, which happened to be the birdcage. He was such a disgusting freak.

This was the last time he would ever touch himself ever again!

Was what he said last time and the time before and so on and so on...

#being asexual and hypersexual is a pain #the shame i feel #i am hardcore projecting #tw csa implied #hypersexuality #trauma #billy lenz #black christmas 1974 #black christmas #slashers #slasher fandom #slasher community #horror #billy being billy

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venus-in-hell · 1 year

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#traumacore #actually ptsd #actuallyptsd #actuallycsa #actually csa #tw csa implied #ventcore #vent art #trauma art #my edit #mine #ptsd art #traumacore edit

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persephoneunderground · 1 month

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I watched Quiet On Set in one sitting and now I want to destroy something. Thoughts after the cut.

This isn't a hot take or anything, but I had to get some of the screaming out:

Nickelodeon, as a network, should no longer fucking exist. Full stop. It's a house of horrors built on the backs of abused kids and it should be razed from existence.

I just...can't. The one thing that stuck out to me in each episode was how fucking culpable these adults were for what happened to the kids. Like, nearly all of them hold some level of responsibility, whether they want to acknowledge it or not. There was so much repetition of "I knew it was wrong/I felt uncomfortable/I didn't think this was a good idea but I didn't want to say something and run the risk of me/my child ever working in the industry again." Like...hello? YOU SAW THE PREDATORY BEHAVIOR AND CHOSE A FUCKING CAREER OVER ADVOCACY. You had the ability to be the voice a child lacked, and you chose the (potential) money and fame. The kids couldn't do anything, but every adult involved could have, and they chose to do nothing out of "fear." And not fear for their lives, fear for their safety, fear for their well-being...just fear that the roles would dry up, or the position would be eliminated, and the money would be gone. It's fucking vile.

There's so much about this documentary that made my heart ache. It was a hard, uncomfortable, infuriating watch. But as upsetting as it is, I sincerely hope that the coverage this docuseries has gotten leads to further deep dives into the entertainment industry on the whole and the conditions of child entertainers in particular. Maybe the scrutiny will be enough to prevent this sort of thing from happening in the future.

Now...I'm going to try to shower some of the ick off.

#tw csa implied #tw csa #quiet on set #nickelodeon #dan schneider #brian peck

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traumaticdarling · 2 months

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Coming back to vent art, so wounded as always… it’s ok to reblog

#traumacore #trauma vent #vent art #vent edit #ventish #ventcore #tw vent #actuallytraumatized #actuallymentallyill #tw suidice #tw csa implied #tw trauma #trauma #tw sucidal ideation

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menacetomany · 1 year

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sometimes i think about tigerpaw.

tigerpaw who just lost his father figure, and had thistleclaw as a replacement. His strong, brave, noble mentor.

A mentor who taught him an ideology of violence, forced him to train with his claws out all the time (which is literally risking his life in addition to being abusive! in the warriors universe they don’t have antibiotics so every single time a wound happens you risk infection and death), and molded him into the perfect little hyperviolent warrior whitepaw could never be, despite his best efforts. molded him into the kind of cat who would think mauling a kitten is okay.

and I get very sad.

Thistleclaw, even pre-SPH, has a knack for traumatizing children (whitepaw, tigerpaw, tiny). It makes sense to me he’d become a groomer because hurting young cats around him is one of like 3 of his personality traits! He has been an abuser from his first onscreen appearance [although I do sympathize with former thistleclaw fans a lot; the concept of a morally ambiguous asshole you like suddenly being retconned into a pedophile is horrifying. I just don’t enjoy people claiming he was never bad.] The ripple effects from his actions and the way he hurt other cats stretch all the way into TBC, and I once made an au where thistleclaw died right after siring whitestorm and So Many Things do not happen, it’s insane.

This fandom doesn’t rlly focus enough on the fact that tigerpaw wasn’t just thistleclaw’s lackey. he was his teenaged victim.

#warrior cats #warriors #tw child abuse #tw csa #tw csa implied #spottedleaf's heart #bluestar's prophecy #thistleclaw #pinestar #tigerstar #tigerclaw #whitestorm #spottedleaf #scourge warriors

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traumatizeddfox · 1 year

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#traumacore #Tw csa #tw csa implied #ventcore #angercore #actuallytraumatized #actuallyabused #trauma vent #vent trauma #trauma #actuallybpd #actuallymentallyill #ok to rb #vent edit

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chloroformcurry · 2 months

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A rather heavy experimental piece. Could count as oc content and as something applicable to a real life issue igs. I hope I took all the right precautions on the tags 🙏

#tw csa #tw csem #tw csa implied #tw childhood trauma #tw child abuse #cw csa #cw csa mention #I hope I put enough tags #carboncopycomic

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csaventing · 7 months

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The urge to just DUMP my trauma with the most grotesque details on anyone in existance because I just need it OUT, right now!

#survivor #tw csa implied #tw csa #csa vent #trauma vent #actually traumatized #tw csa vent

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holyhounddog · 2 months

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I have no idea where I was going with this drawing lmao. It’s been sitting in my files for a few weeks debating on if I should post it.

Decided to post it.

Hopefully I added adequate trigger tags.

Lyrics are from this song

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