#another stupid nothing cycle of why dont i know whats going on and dont you dare tell me just make it go away
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im sorry i have to rant im so fucking pissed
my exams end on 19th and I have to get rid of some books and buy some books which are quite pricy online so I had planned on going to college street on 20th and selling my books and buying the new ones at a cheap price and i was frankly really excited about it because all I get is a one day break to relax bcz i have to start studying for entrances from 21st so all I have is 20th and i wanted to spend it at college street and then get some food and basically have like a solo date kind of thing.
and i was so so excited about it i told my boyfriend about it like 500 times bcz i kept forgetting i've already mentioned it and it was literally on my mind a lott so i kept bringing it up and ik it seems like not a big deal cz i can just sit at home and chill too but i literally do not get to go outside my house. like- the last time i went out was new years eve and after that the only time i've gone out is to school or to give my boards that is it. my mother has some weird like problem wiht me going out like even if i tell her that i just want to go to our terrace for 5 minutes just to get some fresh air she won't even allow that she'll be all suspicious and like sTaNd In ThE bAlCOnY aNd TaKe FrEsH aIr like she herself doesnt leave the house (and blames it on me and my brother ???? when have we ever stopped you bro, she said I HaVe To Be HeRe To KeEp An EyE like im 18 i dont need to be watched 24/7 stop blaming me for choices you put upon yourself) and i just feel so suffocated ALL THE TIME i feel so overstimulated and im so sick of rotting on my bed and i dont want to wait for some birthday party or friends meet up to be able to leave my goddamn house i just wanted to go and have a fun day and get me some books thats it.
anyway so initially the plan was that my mom would go along but something came up so she wanted to postpone it to 21st and i didn't want to bcz i'd already be missing 3 days bcz of my boyfriends birthday, holi and my brothers birthday (all of which are important and i dont want to miss which makes me the villain apparently bcz i should "adjust" and cancel my "parties" instead of trying to stick to my plan bcz that makes me too demanding and selfish apparently) so i suggested that ukw why dont u go do ur thing which came up and i'll go to college street by myself...which is when the solo date idea came which i had really wanted all along but didnt bring up bcz i knew she'd say no but now there's a valid reason for me to go alone so like, its a pretty easy fix i can just go alone but noooo. First of all,
I've been to college street multiple times before so its not like its an unknown area to me
im going by metro which is quite safe
im going when there is stark daylight and i will return home much much before it gets dark and im literally 18
she never lets me go anywhere alone, not even take ubers alone if i want to get back from somewhere my bf has to come drop me everytime and then go backwards to his house which is so so so stupid and i never get to go out alone unless accompanied by family or by a male friend, so obv when i said i'll go to college street alone she refused to let that happen and started screaming about how 'if its so important to go on 20th bcz u dont want to miss a day of studying then cancel ur 'parties' and study then' and i was like no its not about missing a day its just that there's a very easy and logical fix to this problem which is i go alone and its not inconveniencing anyone so why cant i just do that but she will not listen to that bcz im 'adamant' and 'everything has to be according to me' bcz i found a viable solution to the problem. so instead of letting me just go she was literally ready to pay much more money and buy the books online, like.....why cant i just go bro??? (and she keeps telling me im a waste of her money bcz i will amount to nothing in life and my education was a failed investment or wtv so like now why are u wasting more money??? im literally trying to save the money that u 'waste' on me so just let me ???)
anyway i called my dad last night and told him and he was super ok with the idea he said its a good idea that i go alone and that he would speak to her but then today when i asked her if dad spoke to her she said yes, we'll go on 20th and i was like .....we? so apparently she CANCELLED her previously immovable thing for which she wanted me to cancel my 'parties', she cancelled that and agreed to go with me on 20th just so that i dont get to go alone- like ???????????????? what is ur problemmmm
so obv i was super annoyed and i went on a whole ass rant about how i literally struggle to even cross roads bcz i dont know shit about basic travelling bcz all my life ive been in a car and its a running joke with all my guy friends that i 'cannot navigate' and 'dont know any places' and obv??? if im never allowed to go anywhere then how tf will i know the places- the only places i know is bcz recently i've been paying a lot of attention and asking my dad stuff about what roads to take to reach certain places and when i go out with my friends i kind of try and learn a bit but thats it i've only ever gone alone completely alone to two places which is my beauty parlour thats 5 minutes away from my house and one bazaar one time that was 2 bus stops away, thats it. thats my extent of public travelling alone. and now im supposed to go to a whole new STATE for college and i cant even call myself an auto without struggling. and like- is this not a basic life skill??? like ok yeah its not rocket science and i will probably figure it out even if i start later in life but why not now? most of my guy friends literally go everywhere alone, why not me? and my dad agreed with all of this but my mom was just like "you'll be in the hostel only, no need to go out of the campus" like ARE YOU FOR REAL????????? and she's like "if u want to learn skills learn how to cook" like ok yes i will also learn how to cook for sure but i wont have a fucking kitchen in the hostel but somehow cooking is an urgent skill i should learn but going places by myself is unimportant bcz i should just never? leave? the? hostel?
anyway after much screaming and shouting my dad gave up and just cut the call bcz he doesnt want to get into an argument with my mother and my mother was being all suspicious like why do u hAvE tO gO aLoNe AlL oF a SuDdEn even though i literally explained why i want to do this alone but she doesnt think thats valid. so she refuses to let me go and i asked her for one reason why i shouldnt cz usuallt its always "no u have exam what if smthn happens" but now i literally dont even have exam so whats ur excuse now? streets will always be unsafe forever so "what if smthn happens" is not a reason to never let me go out without a man so just gimme one reason and she couldnt give me a single reason she just said "i said no, thats it".
and now she's gone off about how im useless and blah blah and "high maintainance" bcz i want books and "everyone else (some pishi's son) just studies online" and so the whole option of college street is apparently now cancelled and she's trying to set up a whole ass kindle account (half the books i need arent even available as ebooks) just because i wanted to go by myself.
#in our house kids dont stay outside past 6:30pm'' but now all of a sudden its fine for my brother to play#till 10:30 at night#she literally stopped me permanently from going down in the evenings since i was in class 7-8#this is why ive never had any friends outside of school bcz she wouldnt let me leave ths fucking house#and now that my brother is in class 7#he's allowed to be out playing with his friends till 10 freaking 30#he comes home an hour late sometimes...45 minutes and almost always at least 30 minutes late at NIGHT and she says nothing except like#one sentence#yeah im only the villain i only keep u locke#up in the house its all my fault#this is just so damn unfair#like literally insulting#im not a child what is her problem#what sort of fucking solution is 'never leave the hostel' like ok even if i do that what happens then??? after i graduate?#i'll be a 24 year old who doesnt know shit about going from one place to another without a man present]#and then this woman preaches how she 'always raises her son and daughter equally' like srsly shut the fuck up#my whole life i've been told abar late?''#and for me bcz i would come home 5-10 minutes late nd i did it maybe once or twice she made me completely stop going down to play#5-10 minutes late from 6:30 wherein he comes an hour late from 9 fucking 30#and this sounds so stupid bcz im an 18 year old now and i dont give a fuck abt how long i got to play but its just unfair dude#with me it was always smthn or the other either exams or she gets miraculously sick every time i want to go out to play#im not even kidding she did a whole “i have fever and ur going to leave me like this and go play?” on me one time bcz i was adamant abt goi#after months of not being able to go bcz of exam or smthn or the other#she did not have any fever it was fucking bullshit#and how am i supposed to help with ur imaginary fever anyway im literally 12#its so fucking annoying man and then if i say anything at all she'll go on a tirade about how#like YOU DO THOUGH??????? im sorry ur feelings are hurt bcz i said you do smthn that u LITERALLY DO#istg not even 2 days ago she was having a fight with my dad abt how he should teach my brother to learn how to cycle so that he can go buy#groceries#i can cycle
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Once again i must Not tell dad that no matter how many times he says something shouldn't be his problem that doesn't actually make it true because i am Not going to start another shouting match that goes nowhere for no reason. If he won't hear it i wont say it.
#songs that the hyades shall sing#we are once again having a stupid bs interpersonal problem stacked on top of an actual practical problem in such a way#that makes both hard to address bc if i try to go over the practical problem dad will take issue with my attitude and i will lose my temper#and if i try to address the other issue dad will have a fit because he thinks demanding exemptions from personal household communication#somehow makes it actually possible.#another stupid nothing cycle of why dont i know whats going on and dont you dare tell me just make it go away#Well If You Knew You'd Know But You Don't So You Don't. same as every other time.
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As long as I’m with You
Steve Harrington x You (short)
Summary: Steve wakes up to another bad night you’ve had this week
Warnings: hurt/comfort, talks of poor physical and mental health, doctors, suicidal ideation, medication use, drug use, chronic health issues, BPD if you squint, disabilities, use of the word “girl” x times, negative self talk, mentions of sex, angst, fluff~~
This is based off my own experiences and inspired by my pal Morgan’s version; feel free to check hers out
Tick tick tick
The clock strikes 12 and then 1, 3, 5am in the morning, no sleep no rest it’s an every day cycle. The same shitty cycle.
It’s a new year, but not a new you.
Sitting in your walker in front of the excruciatingly bright television screen, high as a kite, everything in existence running through your mind 100 mph, sometimes the weed helps the pain. Sometimes it induces it or even makes it worse. Right now it’s doing nothing for you. Looking over at your loved one sound asleep. You don’t want to bother him with your whines or crying. So you just sit there silence, tears rolling down your cheeks; while you watch some bullshit on YouTube.
Sniff Sniff
“Baby?”
Shit.
“..yea?” you say in a whispered tone
“Are you ok? what’s wrong?”
“Ah, you already know”, you’ve used that line probably over a million times
Steve comes along your side expecting a few dried tears, but his eyes widen when he’s sees the collar around your shirt bitten, snot dribbling down your mouth and throat, crouching down, he lies his head onto your thigh looking up at you, “Talk to me sweetheart”
“No.”
“Hey, I know you’re hurting”—
“GOOD FOR YOU! Congratulations you know I’m hurting, you know I’ve been hurting for fucking years. I’m glad you’ve acknowledged it unlike some people”you sniffle getting up in a hurry to take a piss as he follows with sad eyes leaning against the door frame
“I’m fucking tired, I’m so goddamn exhausted nobody will ever know what I’m dealing with!”, you say wiping your ass not bothering to wash your hands, “I can’t do anything I can’t run, I can’t jump, can’t go to the stupid, fucking grocery store without one of those motorized carts.. my back hurts, my fucking knees are throbbing, stupid fucking nerves won’t calm down FUCK! It’s not like I can get in the bathtub to calm my muscles down. Nothing is helping! No medication, no PT, no injections, no nothing! Why?? am I just resistant to any source of help or treatment? I-I can’t even lay in the goddamn bed to sleep. That’s all I have left is rest!! What is rest!? I don’t know what the hell that even is”
“I know baby I know”—
“NO YOU DONT STEVE, all you know is what you see. I wouldn’t wish on our worst enemy, my worst enemy to feel what I feel. That’s how bad it all hurts. The most evil, sick and twisted person in this world, I would never wish this upon. I just..”, getting dizzy you collapse on the bed sobbing into your own hands, then eventually into Steve’s shoulder as he rocks you, tears spilling from his own eyes—
“Nobody cares, nobody wants to help me. nobody cares unless I’m rich and can afford to give them any and ALL the things off my back, but I can’t. Even with the money you make it will never be enough to help the poor girl who’s too young to have any kind of issue. It’s “all in my head” I’m just fucking crazy. I could break my own neck and still be told it’s only from anxiety. Nobody cares just”—
“I care” he exhales
“It doesn’t matter if you care, all your care is useless, all your help is worthless to me because it gets me nowhere. Nobody’s love and care gets me nowhere. It’s nothing all but fucking false hope. Don’t you get that? None of you still to this day seems understand that. Stop praying for me to get better. It’s never going to happen. I can’t take it anymore.. I just wanna die! All I wish for is to die but, I can’t even have that. It’s like all of you want me here, to live and suffer for the rest of my life for y’all, it’s not fair, fuck that”, your trembling, body in fight or flight
“Don’t say that, you know I’d do anything to take your pain away”
“It doesn’t matter what you’d do because you’re not a doctor. You’re not a professional, you can’t help me get better.. sucks to hear but it’s the truth Steve..fuck”—
Steve’s really trying not to beat himself up over your words, he knows you’re in pain, it comes from a place of anger, frustration and fear
“I have all these pain medications I could easily take all at once, so I’ll never have to wake up in this position ever again. Why can’t I do it huh? I could end right here right now you never have to suffer again, but I just d-don’t; If anything, I’m the most selfless person for staying alive for YOU just so I can be alive but in pain all over again for YOU!”, your tone getting higher and higher in pitch
“I-I’m sorry.. I wish I knew the right words to say baby”, he’s trying his best to stay strong for you
“You’ve got to be sick of me, tired of me. All I do is cause more money to come out of your pockets, more exhaustion, more burdening, more crying, more everything bad for you. You already deal with your own shit. I do nothing but make your own mentality worse, hell you’re making your own self worse being with a person like me. A broken and useless excuse of a human being. You deserve somebody who can go hiking with you, go to the beach, travel with, who can do the bare minimum. Can’t even fuck you properly—
“STOP! Stop that right now” he shouts
You freeze because he’s never raised his voice at you, atleast not on purpose at such a vulnerable time
“I hate it too. You know it hurts me to know that you hurt and I’m sorry that I can’t take the pain away from you. My sweet, sweet girl I’m so sorry that nobody has given you the chance to hear your voice, to help heal you..but I’m gonna make you the same promise I make you almost every single night. As long as I’m with you, I will try my best with all my power to make it a little bit more bearable for you to be here, and I am so grateful that you are still here and choose to be here with me for us to be together. I know you hurt, but as long as you’re with me, I’m going to do my best to put a smile on your pretty face, beautiful sunshine of a smile because you’re my sunshine.. y-your smile gives me life did you know that?”
You nod. He tells you all the time
“I- I’m tired for wishing to feel ok for my birthdays, every Christmas. All the shirts and posters you got me for Christmas? I haven’t even touched them yet, you know why? Because the selfish person in me doesn’t give a fuck about none of it. The only thing I care about and want and NEED is pain relief and that’s too much to ask for isn’t it? Apparently wanting to be better in the world it’s too much to ask for”
“You deserve to feel better”, he says while his hand travels up your back to rub your tense neck, “You deserve to be free from all of this and I can’t give that to you. You’re not selfish baby you’re hurting. I love you for you. I knew what I was signing up for, and if I didn’t want that I wouldn’t be here right now with you. I know the sacrifices Ill have to make, the tears I’ll have to shed, the strength it’ll take me to pick you up when you’re down, but I fell in love with you, how you are, and who you are”
“Who are you kidding Steve, you don’t even know who I am. The real me. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I wish you met me when I wasn’t sick then maybe you wouldn’t be so stressed out a-and.. and,” you start sobbing again, it’s all too overwhelming
“Hey, hey look at me, no. I met you at the right time. You need me just as much as I need you. You may not think you’re worth nothing but you’re worth everything to me. Yeah you have a good and bad days..—
“I’ve had nothing but bad days for the past few months Steve”-
“I know, I see it, I hear it and I witness it, I may not can feel it, but at the end of it all, you still love me. You’re still here. You still want to cook for me. You still get up to brush your teeth and I’m so proud of you for still trying to care for yourself. That’s the biggest job you’ll ever have, and it’s been a very hard job hasn’t it?
You nod, as he nods with you
“Yeah, it has, but you don’t have to do it alone anymore. I want to provide for you. I want to take care of you. You’re my girl, you deserve so much and as long as I’m with you, I will try every day, every hour, every second or minute, to make sure you know how loved, how great and how amazing you are. How great and amazing you’re doing for yourself and for me. How strong you are”—
—“im tired of having being strong all the time”, interrupting him
“I know you are. You are so strong for being on this earth, even when you don’t want to be. I wouldn’t ask for anybody else, you’re it for me always. Will you continue to let me try to make it better for you every day? To take care of you?”, he squats in front of you, cupping your wet cheeks, kissing your forehead
“But Stevie.. you know you’re getting your own hopes up because nothing you do helps either and I feel like a piece of shit for saying that because”—
“I know what you mean, you don’t have to be sorry. I understand you may not have hope but I do. All my Hope goes towards you and it always will. You are the most important thing in my life. I’m not gonna give up on you, on me or on us, ok sunshine?”
..”okay”, you repeat rubbing your temples
“Head hurt, darling?”
“yes”
“From crying too hard?”
You nod, looking away in shame, “It’s okay, I’ll get your Migrane cap from the freezer and i’ll set your pillows up how you like, just sit tight”, he says it standing then pausing at the doorway, looking over his shoulder, “I love you”
“luv you—
“Hmm? What was that, I couldn’t hear you” he exclaims
“I said love you gosh.. shut up”, you barely crack a smile
That was enough to get him through the rest of the night.
#steve harrington x reader#steve harrington x disabled!reader#steve harrington x ill!reader#tw sui talk#steve harrington x fem!reader#steve harrington x gn!reader#tw sick mention#mental health awareness#steve harrington fluff#steve harrington x chronically!ill reader#steve harrington x sick reader#steve harrington angst#stranger things#joe keery#chronic pain issues#bpd#spoonie
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༊*·˚ the cut that always bleeds.. 🩸🩹 M.S
W A R N I N G S: angst, situationship, sex, alcohol, smoking, kinda toxic Matt?, fighting, swearing, no happy ending
S U M M A R Y: friends with benefits with Matt turns into the biggest heartbreak you’ve ever experienced when you catch feelings but he doesn’t.
THIS IS MY WORK, MY IDEA, NO STEALING !!
4 months ago..
“that was fucking amazing” Matt, your best friends brother says. “Yeah it was” you say.
It just kept happening, you would find yourself in his bed almost every night, and you would find yourselves hooking up at every party you showed up to together.
One night, after you guys had hooked up, he asked you if you wanted to be “friends with benefits” you agreed, with no strings attached and the cycle just kept repeating.
Now..
Matt cleans you up with the rag that was already laying on his floor from yesterday, “I think I’m gonna go” you say, as he stands up and throws the rag in the laundry.
“Why?” He asks. Deep down in your head you know why. You cannot lay on his chest while he plays with your hair again, you cannot go on another late drive to get food and have a deep talk together again, you just can’t.
Your heart falls in love with him a little more every time you spend time with him, “i just need to leave” you say.
“Well okay, bye y/n.” He says while kissing your cheek.
You let out a quick “bye” while tying on your shoes and heading out the door.
You get in your car and start heading towards your apartment which you shared with your best friend Ava.
Ava was the only one who knew about your feelings for Matt, and it was gonna stay that way. Right..?
🎶 I can’t be your lover on a leash, every other week when you please. 🎶
“I just can’t do it anymore Ava” you say while eating ice cream sitting on your shared couch. “I wanted nothing more but to just hold him and kiss him but I know if I would, it would just kill me even more.”
“You have to let him go” Ava says, “no no, I can get over these stupid feelings I know I can.” “I just can’t let him go” you say.
You feel a buzz in the pocket of your baggy sweatpants, you grab your phone to see it’s Matt.
“You have to ignore him girl” Ava says. “I know” you say.
No matter how much it pained you you know Ava is right. So you do just that, you ignore him.
Next thing you know you hear your phone start buzzing again, this time Matt is calling you.
You cant help yourself so you pick up.
“Hello?” Matt says with a confused tone in his voice
“Hey” you say.
“Why didn’t you answer my text?” Matt says, sounding almost concerned.
“I just didn’t, why do you care so much” I say.
I dont wanna be rude, but if I wasn’t then I know I would end up just acting like his little side hoe again, and I couldn’t keep doing that.
“Wow someone’s grouchy” he says.
“Matt what do you want, why did you call”
“Why are you getting so upset with me?” Matt says.
“Did I do something”
“Matt just leave me alone.” I say while hanging up.
- - -
🎶 cause you keep me on a rope, and tied a noose around my throat. 🎶
Fuck me. I think to myself, as I stand in this random persons house, at a party I was invited too last minute.
“Cmonnn, you gotta loosen up a bit” Madi says. I know she’s right, but all I wanna do is look for Matt and lay on his chest while his soft gentle fingers run through my hair.
“Maybe you could find someone else to hook up with even” Ava says. “Okay..fineee” I say.
While glancing around the room trying to find someone at least a little attractive, I see Matt with a random blonde tracing his tattoos and giving him “fuck me” eyes.
I move my eyes down a little bit and see his hand on her ass. Fuck, I think to myself.
As the tears start forming at my eyes, I feel my chest start to tighten.
I run through the crowd trying not to make it obvious that I’m upset, until I find a door and open it, only to find 2 random people fucking each other. “Sorry!” I say while storming out.
I find another door and open it, thank god nobody’s in this one. My back hits the door and I slide down it while heavy sobs escape my mouth.
I hear a knock at the door, “hey y/n you in there?” I hear from a familiar voice, Matt’s voice.
I try to stay silent but then once I feel the door push my back foward, I realize that I forgot to lock the door.
“What’s wrong, baby?” The words escape his mouth so easily, yet effect me so much.
“I’m fine, Matt really just leave me alone” I say.
“No, what is wrong? It’s obvious I did something.” He says.
I’m in love with you Matt. I wanna say, but of course, I don’t.
“Did you not fin- fuck y/n you didn’t finish did you.” He says.
“Oh my god Matt yes I fucking finished dumbass” I say.
“I think you just need to loosen up” he says, picking me off the ground gently
Before I know it, he turns me around an slams me against the door
He slowly lifts up my dress with his hands, and moves my underwear to the side.
Without a warning, he inserts 2 fingers into me. “Fuck matt” I say.
“Now.. you wanna tell me what’s wrong?” He says.
“It’s nothing I’m just going through a tough time right now” I say, breathing heavily and trying not to moan.
- - -
🎶you know what your doing when your coming back, and I don’t wanna have another heart attack🎶
He puts my clothing back on, kissing all over my body. “So pretty” he says. “And your all mine” he says. Killing me
“fuck I love you” he says. Killing me.
I agree to go back to his house and hangout for a bit. I knew I shouldn’t, but at the end of the day he is also my best friend and I just missed it.
“you know, i enjoy fucking, but I also just enjoy your presence and hanging out with you.” He says while rubbing my thigh. Killing me.
“Yeah me too” I say. “Then why have you been so distant?” He says. I know I shouldn’t admit anything, but maybe he deserves to know something at least.
“Well when we were at the party earlier, and I saw your hand on that girls ass” “I kinda got upset and I-“ I say before he cuts me off
“Y/n, we never agreed to not seeing other people.” “We are just friends with benefits right?” He says.
“Right.” I say. Killing me
- - -
🎶 but even though your killing me, yeah 🎶
Everything he is doing is killing me. The kisses and praises he leaves all over my body after sex killed me.
Every time I seen him go on a date, or dancing with another girl at a party killed me.
But most importantly, every time he has to remind me that we are just friends kills me.
I know this is not good, I know leaving his house bawling my eyes out was not good for me.
Everyone tells me I need to tell him. My therapist, my friends, even his brothers, which now know about my feelings because I mean come on it’s pretty obvious.
It could be the fact that it’s midnight, or the fact that that I smoked 2 j’s, but i think its time to tell him.
I get into my car, put some music on and before I can think I start driving.
- - -
I arrive at his door, and immediately knock. Nick & Chris don’t stay up that late but Matt does so Matt answers the door.
“Hey y/n, you didn’t tell me you were coming”
“I know” I say. “Can I come in?”
“Yeah sure” he says. Opening the door wider for me to come in.
We arrive to his room, and the tension is high. He can tell something’s off, and my heart is pounding out of my chest.
“Y/n what the fuck is wrong?” “You ignore me, and then we have sex and you don’t let me even hold you!”
“I don’t fucking understand, you say your going through a tough time but you don’t tell me anything!” He says.
“Matt it’s cause I’m fucking in love with you.” I say.
…. The silence is a unbearable amount of loud and the air becomes even more tense if that’s possible
“Every time you kiss me it kills me because I know we won’t ever be able to do that without fucking.”
“Every time you hold me, it kills me because I know your just doing it because you just nearly took my ability to walk away.”
“Every time you call me yours it kills me because I know that I’m not, and I never will be”
“I thought maybe if I ignored you it would get better and these feelings would pass but the more I ignored you the more it hurt and I couldn’t take it anymore” I say.
“I can’t just fucking be your lover when you want me to be, and then see you eye fucking a ton of other girls at parties” I say
“You don’t deserve this, you don’t deserve me. I caught feelings and this is all my fault.”
“But I also don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve to feel like I’m getting stabbed anytime I come near you.” I say while leaving his room and slamming the door on my way out.
My chest feels tighter then it ever has, but I also somehow feel relieved. I finally let it out, I don’t feel so locked up anymore.
I run out of the house ignoring all of the “y/n wait!” “Y/n comeback” s that come out of his mouth.
- - -
🎶 beat my heart to black and blue 🎶
When I arrive home, I walk in sobbing and Immediately drop to the floor.
“Oh my god y/n what happened” Ava says.
I am on the verge of passing out, everything around me is tuned out and my eyes are blurry, quite frankly I don’t know how I survived the drive home. I felt light headed and like I was about to puke.
“Y/n stay with me, everything’s going to be okay” Ava says.
- - -
Everything from that night is a blur. I know what happened and I know what I did, but all the details are erased from my brain.
My room reeks of alcohol, weed, and just disgustingness considering I haven’t cleaned my room, nor got out of my bed for 4 days.
I haven’t gotten any messages from Matt, he hasn’t came here, he’s just gone.
There’s been music blaring in my room for 3 hours straight, the songs going from sad, to chill, to hype music where I start convincing myself I’m over it until it turns back into sad music again.
“The cut that always bleeds” by Conan Grey turns on, and I immediately turn it all the way up.
This song can explain me and Matt’s relationship more then I can, and I can’t listen to it without bawling my eyes out.
“Oooh, oooh, but even though your killing me” I sing while my head lays back on my headboard
Tears start streaming down my face, Matt’s shirt I haven’t token off for 4 days getting soaked from my tears.
“I need you like the air I breath”
“I need, I need you more than me.”
No matter how much I don’t wanna admit it, I need Matt more then anything. I need his hands rubbing all over me, i need his lips against mine, I need our hands interlinked. I need him………
…. The end.
A/N, this is my 2nd fic ever, I think this fic is way better then my 1st one, but I still don’t know if I would consider it good, anywho I love the cut that always bleeds but I can’t listen to it without crying so I thought why not make a fic about it!! I love angst and couldn’t wait to write it so I did just that. Hope you enjoyed!! 😋😋
TAGLIST:
@bernardsbendystraws comment if u wanna be added !!
#Spotify#sturniolo triplets#chris sturniolo#nick sturniolo#fandom#fanfic#tumblr fyp#matt sturniolo#christopher sturniolo#matthew sturniolo#conan grey#sturniolo fanfic#giannasturn
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Im getting rather annoyed
No. Everyone has the right yo ship what they want. Whatever brings you joy. This is but my opinon thats it. No judgement no shame. Im venting.
Now im a bit of a multishipper. Like to see some diversity in art you know? But never have i met such people that are so angry or vicious as tipo shippers. Kung fu panda po x tigress
Where do i start with this? Never in the course of the films have at any point do they show or hint that their crushing on each other. No romantic coded scenes. Nothing. So thats unfortunate why i don't see what all you lovley people see because i dont.
Tigress tai lung and po are conected in the parent upbringing sibling cycle. But hey ship whatever you want.
Now this is where people start to hate on me but let me clarify no hate nor disrespect to anyone. Im sick of looking at kung fu panda art and what? 97% of it is tigress? How abertary. Dull. What about the others? Do they not deserve as much attention? Clearly not.
As for the ship people get my goat "make it canon" blah blah. In the art of story telling to have it rondomly their into each other after like nothing? Makes for bad writing.
I do enjoy anything kung fu panda related but the ship for me anyway just doesn't fly. Those whom are super into the franchise are like yes they are but those who have seen all three films and enjoy them are like what? No.
Again if your going to ship them why on earth is tigress oc? Like shes all happy and silly? No.
Still here? Angry yet? Fuming because my trained animation degree with honors head doesnt comprehend what apparently im missing? Well thats ok.
Now i know alot of people who are actually nice but ive met vicious fans directing their hate towards me. Death threats. Vulgar language. The works. Made me just not want to draw anything kung fu panda related due to it.
Now recently due to the encouragement of others i did draw ship art. Dragon knight? Yes. Why? Because its actually hinted at in such a badly written way. I wont get into it. Thats a rant another time.
Now as something that i personally dont like and that goes across any anthro media is interspecies relations. Not a fan. However their ate acceptions to the rule and that has alot to do with the universe in which the fandom is set. BNA for example. The grimior of zero explains this perfectly, interspecies actually doesnt matter due to the world building. But in cases like zootopia or kung fu panda (films only) interspecies relationships arnt explored nor shown.
As for tipo po loves kung fu thats it. The only time he has ever shown any interest in a girl is meimei. Drops his baobao bun. Pupils dilate. yes theirs a but the illusion broke when she spoke soooo that doesn't really count.
Still here? Well good for you. still pissed at me for not conforming to liking what everyone else does? Well that too is ok.
If you ship tipo thats cool. Heck ive seen art. Some of its nice. Art is art and a ship diesnt define a person. But stop with the viciousness po will probably never end up with tigress. But thats a good thing. He doesnt end up with anyone. That way everyone wins. But the viciousness and anger and the make it canon because insert reaons here is so stupid.
Stuck around? Read my vent? Great. Please refrain from commenting anything vulgar towards my person and remember. Opinon.
Ship whatever you like. Awesome. Great.
Now piss off. Im tired.
(Brit humour)
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Winds of Change
Chapter 3: When it Rains, it Pours
The gentle babbling of running water is dissonant in Ryo's ears as everyone slowly starts to regroup, making their way toward the middle of the central path, where—his breath hitches, sharp and cold against the inside of his throat—Shuuji is staring at the ground, head bowed and shoulders taut.
What happened in the waterway left its mark on everybody, and Ryo's doing his best to watch over his friends in the aftermath. Unfortunately, he doesn't have eyes in the back of his head, and neither does Shuuji.
ao3 link in the source, extended post-chapter commentary below! (:
i had a whole bunch of stupid temporary names for each section of every chapter during earlier stages of writing to help keep track of what order the segments were in. like i said on ao3, the working title for this chapter (the middle segment, specifically) was "The Gang Misplaces The Baby". Other notable ones were "be gay do crime hold egg" (ch1 pt1), "Get Punched Idiot" (ch1 pt2), and "EGG" (ch3 pt3).
ive been sitting on all my silly kunemon dialogue for WEEKS. im still not sure how i feel about it - on one hand, i kind of like it when you can only figure out what kunemon's saying through context, usually via ryo. but also i think it's really fun to explore what kunemon's voice sounds like in dialogue - if you translated all of kunemon's kews, would he speak the same way as jewelbeemon or banchoustingmon? it's hard to say, given that theres basically no time in-narrative save for the evolution event where banchoustingmon is center stage. that's part of why i think it's a shame that ultimate and mega stage evolutions are affinity-dependant rather than story-depedant. that said, i've heard that the development cycle for this game was BRUTAL, so i dont fault the devs for it. besides, it's kinda fun to try to figure out how to change ultimate and mega evo scenes so that they fit into a specific area of the story. i won't get into it now, but i have MANY thoughts on the subject.
i also have many thoughts about ryo. i know ive talked about this before, but he was the one to surprise me the most in truthful. i truly was caught off-guard at how much of ryo is hidden behind the walls he puts up at the very beginning. it's so delightful to me that this rough, foul-mouthed, prickly guy is arguably the most emotionally intelligent of the group. i bet he has no idea that his ability to read people is so impressive, and likely views his eye for detail is nothing out of the ordinary. i think these skills are both things that he started to hone at a young age, and now they're just second nature. although. i do think these skills completely go out the window when he's in distress.
also on the topic of ryo - i will die on the hill that he and saki have some kind of shared history. i dont think they go to the same school; there's a few references to saki probably being at the same one as takuma and minoru, and then at the amusement park in truthful, theres a bit of dialogue between minoru and ryo that suggests that the two of them go to different schools. so instead, i've mostly committed to the notion that they're …hmm… childhood "friends" is a strong word. probably closer to childhood "acquaintances". childhood "other kid i kept seeing over and over at the same place, and since theres no one else my age around here i dont have any other options". childhood "best available friend".
anyway, I think they were familiar with one another through their parents. it makes sense to me that one of saki's parents worked with ryo's mother or had some other kind of connection to her that faded after she died. or maybe ryo and saki ended up running into each other constantly while ryo's mother was in the hospital. in either scenario, a much younger saki and ryo would have been together frequently enough that they got to know each other pretty well as kids, then grew distant after their families' paths stopped crossing, not seeing each other again until the start of the camping trip. i think thats a decent reason for why ryo's not quite as temperamental with saki as he is with the others rightrightright at the beginning, and it would explain why he doesn't seem to mind her following him around and saying stuff like "idk what you'd do if i take my eyes off you" without him getting all that annoyed (relatively).
but yeah, this chapter was a LOT of fun for me to write. i really liked the idea of getting the immediate aftermath of the fight with wendimon from ryo's perspective. it was gonna be from shuuji's at first, but i think he would have been too caught up in shock and grief to be paying much attention to any of the others. ryo, on the other hand, is extremely observant and perceptive even though he's also pretty upset.
i had a great time writing shuuji listening in on kunemon and ryo's conversation. obviously i loved the duality of shuuji having no idea what kunemon is talking about while we the reader know that ryo gets whiplash between trying to cheer up a gloomy kunemon, exchanging stuff they've noticed about their friends, then being personally attacked about his feelings concerning a specific person (whose identity i hope was at least somewhat discernible without kunemon goggles). shuuji can understand the words ryo is saying just fine, but the information he learns catches him off-guard, and it occurs to him just how much distance there is between him and most of the group. this gave me a fun opportunity to think about what it's like to be shuuji at this specific part of the story - he's just had this horrible brush with death, and even though he's doing much better than he was before, he's at a point where he hasn't grown close with most of the others yet. we don't see much of shuuji having to build or rebuild his relationships with his peers immediately following the waterway - iirc the bulk of what we get is after those 10 days takuma was gone, and by then, the way he interacts with the others is much, much different.
i also really enjoyed getting a bit silly about the game mechanics in the last segment. finding random shit like plates of ribs and weird bananas isn't really addressed much beyond acknowledging that it was found. i think theres been SOME commentary about how the thing is weird, but to my knowledge, WHERE those weird things were found isn't acknowledged. nobody ever sits back like "hey so why the fuck did i find a pineapple inside of the piano" and i thought i could play with that a little!!
all right, thats gonna do it for this week. as you may have noticed, my ability to accurately gauge when i can post chapters is… hmm… questionable at best. i currently plan on posting chapter 4 on monday, but theres a small local con this weekend so i can't say for certain. my usual weekend chores will likely be pushed to monday unless im able to get them done tomorrow (highly unlikely), so we'll just have to wait and see!
thank you for reading, and as i said on ao3, im really really grateful for the comments ive gotten, even the ones in tags on tumblr. im always happy for more, and im so curious to know what stood out to people the most.
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alright you vultures here's your food
guy who idolized me *checks calendar* a year ago got his bubble popped when he realized all along he was an immature manchild to me.
in between the admissions hes paranoid and delusional, hes sending himself anonymous threats saying theyre from me. and people still buy it.
and now we got some new accusations under my belt. im jealous! im obsessive!
lmao. just lmao, your therapist or even worse your internet friends fucked with your head so hard you are Gone
i can sleep and hold, and love, a real man next to me, and i never had to settle on pretending id find a partner.
also, wasnt my main f/o for that fandom a woman? to the point ess and candide's ship was on google images? LOL
OH WAIT, in fact didnt a storyboard artist like my ship so much, and it fucked with you so bad you made vent art for it? hmm.
but IM jealous?? 2+2=5??
and wait didnt your lackey bark at me for thinking all this nonsense was over fandom shit? is it or isnt it? are you mad im an asshole or do you think im upset you....buy commissions? can y'all make up your mind on what we're upset over here? like im begging yall to realize the longer this drags on the more stupid and barrel scraping this shit is getting.
but its whatever, the cold truth, is the narrative of someone who physically disgusted me from day one to the point i had a sticky note over his pfp is hilarious, yeah bro ill get myself obsessed again when i eat some bad shrimp.
no really its very hard to look at when you cant get the time for anything about who you are unless my name is pulled, get a new gimmick.
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and realistically, from the bottom of my heart, i do believe theres a third party sending these anons to fuck with us, to drag it on further. and hes giving them what they want because with this guy it is /guaranteed/ he will react and blow it out of proportion after all hes "like that" isnt he?
i know theres a cycle where I get asks I delete, then 2-3 days later, i get random shit in my inbox "are you going to doxx him? are you going to attack him? are you going to burn his crops!?" which triggers another scratch fight. of nothingness, nothing gets done. except what the people want, online adrenaline rush, clicking back and forth between our profiles shallow breathing whats gonna be posted next.
but even if its someone else sending these anons. i got a little file full of shit i never did since "was mean to me" didnt have enough oomph for a callout and frick frack and fuck comes out of the woodwork saying i called him a scammer or rigged him during an election idk, my comedic attittude about all this just emphasizes how much i dont care anymore.
but hey i can mark up the failed effort to get me kicked out of flight school and these anons i get talking about hurting my nephews and hoping my sister will overdose to him and his goons. fuck it why not. see how easy it is?
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to state, amidst the chaos, i thought talking on a throwaway account, something i can do and do again nullified the purpose of ever needing anon. (i understand in saying this, could give the third party ideas, but i mean, the 3-4 online people i rarely talked to dont talk to me ever now so what else do you want from me, i dont know if this/these individual(s) are driven by some twisted moral standing or a sense of vigilantism but i promise, speaking from no place of emotion, youre doing more hurt to this guy fucking with him than you are making me worry about my online reputation)
i did Not use tumblr back then when any of this happened, not to mention anon hate has never been my style. im sorry but i have cooler ways to be a dick, you know this. i think its not hard to say "ess is loud, bold, aggressive, no filter, etc." at least acknowledge That as the truth and use it against me instead of whatever is happening here.
i went to his personal dms, fucked with his friends who tried to jump in, all using my name. i wasnt worried about people knowing it was me, i already knew it was too late and it didnt matter. trying to cover myself wouldnt have even been something i was concerned with because it was impossible. nor would i have cared really, at the time, i wanted everyone right then and there to know it was me and what i was doing, even on my main account i was going off.
this part i was trying to frantically explain, in a moment of vulnerability i will never Ever fucking allow myself to be put under again, it had been conveniently cropped out of the apology i sent to him. (yes, the one i took back, because if everyone hated it, bitched about me for not following the 10 commandments to an online apology and he genuinely didnt want it, why would i leave it up at that point. like seriously.
good thing i have the capacity to block, at this point its just a display over who needs that sweet online drama adrenaline for a sense fullfillment and who doesnt.
everyone in my life has told me "what can you do to him he hasnt done to himself" once i tell them the story and yeah....
yeah..
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but yeah this message is for the keyboard squad but mainly for the fence sitters who stick by waiting for a conclusion or some form of closure. there isnt gonna be one. ive done all the work on my half creating better social spaces in real environments. i understand i wasnt great to someone. ONE. and ever since then ive been doing my work.
needless to say, im gonna parrot this, and say ive graduated flight school last month and ive found freelance work as a private aviatior, ive been talking to a therapist, am staying medicated, and ive built myself up and have become an active member in my community and will be looking into EMT training shortly so i can be a better street medic.
and im sorry, genuinely from the bottom of my heart, there are people who exist stuck in this time tunnel reliving the same day over and over. you can buzzword and slam your fists out of this and dig your heels in refusing the reality here, but ive wrote this understanding the audience this is talking too has no sense of rationality left. ive done my work, a fuckton of hard work after fucking up and hitting rock bottom and i cant let you nor your friend's inability to move on, doom me to being the same "evil" (that got a laugh from me) person.
im not scared of getting screenshotted, angry dms, anons, my posts analyzed with test tubes and beakers, take me to kiwifarms officer. this whole place could hate me and ill just go "youre all wrong, sorry"
in fact i dont even want an answer to any of these questions, this is just my final statement on the situation because im breaking this cycle. its not an 8 anymore, its a 0.
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and as for the one which coat tailed this situation between me one and other person to try and dogpile the drama. our situation is entirely different from what happened here. like you can spread whatever narrative and half truths you need but you and i alone will only ever know the truth about what happened, and you can sleep on that. you have never been an afterthought to me outside of busting out laughing at a walmart whenever i see "anti-frizz" serum. i just hope you dont gotta go lay down after reading that.
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not to be rude to me but the crazy is soo confirmed!
Last night while watching the ultimatum, I cried because I love Xander and Yoly's love, I love their relationship and their dynamics and I truly hope they choose each other in the end because they deserve each other. It's an easy, calm, supportive, and action oriented love that I think everyone could benefit from. It's something I want to do. And of course, I'm not exactly getting it from the physical relationship that I have with A. And I said something to myself that was typical in my idealistic, scared to love another man moments. I said "I don't want to give my heart to someone who doesn't give a f-ck about me". And then it clicked. I dont give a f-ck about him either. I'm over here applying all these things onto him, my fears, my faults, and even blame to a certain extent, yet I am quite literally doing the same thing back to him. I am giving back the same energy, even if I do yearn for more from this situation.
We don't speak. We don't talk. We don't check in, or say hello. We don't really have any true substance, outside of a late night passion that ignites me from within. We have nothing but a physical connection. We haven't exactly gotten to know each other yet either. I don't even know his favorite color. So why am I attributing all this fucking pressure onto myself, to him unknowingly, it makes ZERO sense to me! It literally is crazy to be crying and feeling so down about him supposedly not caring, when we are literally showing each other the exact same energy, and if we want it to change, if I want it to change. I will have to speak up eventually, or this will fizzle out. I mean he most likely knows what this is, right? That we're just having sex, we're connecting physically, and I'm sure we will keep doing it from time to time. But I can't just expect him to open up to me, if I can't lead the way in some aspects. I think I'm just frustrated because I'm left to think about all these open ended things, possibilities, chances and dreams. It's a lot when you don't know where the other person stands. But it's also like, if I ask, I don't want him to run away. But I can't go into it expecting him not to at the same time? But that's just more open ended questions, I guess I want him to take the lead, but if he never does, then I will have to cut off the connection that we share.
Also maybe it's just me being nuts, but is it too early to ask what we are doing? Like oh my god I swear heterosexuality comes with all these stupid rules and cycles and unhealthy patterns when it doesn't have to be like that. I literally can and should be allowed to openly communicate with someone I'm sleeping with like hello? Why not? Why is it that within heterosexual dynamics it always feels like it's gotta be this grating, difficult, pry it apart with my fingernails kind of experience. And it really feels like I'm projecting this onto myself too and that's not fair at all. We haven't evolved past sleeping with each other, so it's kinda like why not enjoy this for what it is, instead of making it into something that it's not.
I want love. I deserve romance, I will not settle for less. I am affirming to myself that I deserve and know exactly what I want, and personally, I'm not sure it'll go anywhere, but S seems to be the best prospect! I love our dynamic because it is easy, because we understand each other, because we are good and equal and fair to one another.
Me and A really are just a fling, and I'm idealizing and romanticizing it all because it feels like that's what I'm supposed to do, because he's a boy, and I get reduced down to the girl in the song.
I feel like I'm mad at myself over this in a way, because it is something that I struggle with a lot mentally, and it just doesn't seem to work in the end because I'm so overwhelmed. So it's like why put all this mental energy and thought and self doubt into something that isn't even tangible? I am giving and receiving the same energy that he has given me. He has not shown me anything else, I haven't shown him anything else either, and I do not have to give any more of myself especially if that's not being given back. Do I hope that we do develop more? Sure. I just think that I shouldn't be putting all this pressure on us. Things can develop naturally if they're meant to.
#bpd life#bpd blog#bpd writing#bpd vent#bpd favorite person#bpd thoughts#venting#romance#inner conflict#love#confusion#the ultimatum queer love#xander x yoly#lesbian#nonbinary#queer#heteronormativity
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Everythings been so insane and rapid fire coming at me i havent had any time to collect myself or try to heal or beat myself back to sleep with conditioned denial and self doubt, but heres some of the reality i have been awoken to by paranoid delusional megalomaniacal idiots that make stalin look reasonable.
I am nephilim, ive known this within myself since the earliest in this particular imitation mortality incarnation. These motherfuckers dont know what to make of me or do about me even though the obvious and oft voiced choice of “nothing” has been repeated till i am sick of patience, them, being a good little lifelong abuse victim so forth. I am old. Like older than the heavenly host of this creation and this place by a disturbing to everyone literally immeasurable amount of time. But ive said it and its 2 eternities and ive been here for a stupid long span too. I suspect. Im reckoned as a anomaly by most a infiltrator and spy by others and a super chill exceptionally kind dude and friend by eveyone who hasnt been chased off. This includes a beatifull and diverse range of wild otherworldly entities. Not to them though but i dont even know why they pretend to act like they care anymore or even bother with the violent oppression suppression but lets just say they are greatly diminished in form and function and they really do not like me calling them out on it and i hate repeating myself anyway even though it seems its all anyone makes me do my entire life about anything real or important about myself.
I am not evil or hostile. I have stood beside the divine, received their council and been a servitor a lot better than most of these douchebags in my time even though by all they know thats just inconceivable. I have also spent a sickening gulf of time in damnation so i am by no means perfect but i am formed of wildly different stuff, and possessed of super unknown and scary capabilities apparently that makes like everyone and theyre momma feel super threatened and hostile. All the lies and shit that have been strategically whispered and circulated only serve to just repeat the same idiot cycle time and again and damages all. And the reality of reality if you will is already maimed and grafted with necromantic and mechanical bullshit to keep it limping along and “improve” it.
So here we are. This is me. I am a grey, it is the color of my wings. There are a lot of us and for some reason might as well be in the midst of being genocided. And i have no fucking idea what started this bullshit and how it ended up like this. I do know how i ended up here though. I was abducted thru infinitely questionable and entirely fucked up reality manipulations that pulled me dormant thru a rift. They were trying for another savior of divine stock. Instead they got me that go around. Theyve done this shit a lot it was some kind of initiative.
I am told i am like a force of fucking nature when i get going which is frequently but thats all these assholes faults. Which is funny because i am formed of raw chaos, insanity and dreams. So any of you that can evaluate that will very quickly come to understand why i am always set apart and like perpetually a pariah and in exile here. Theres a hell of a lot more to it than that and it makes me look like im a complete raving loon or divinely inspired. The truth beneath the ugly visible surface ripples and current of this place is even more insane to me and i know you all can feel it breaking thru as fate continues to bash her head against the imprisoning wall that is them
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blah blah i do not existttttttttt blah blah disregard look away look away nothin g is real i am not real
i’m kind of amazed at my ability to not follow the worse thread (physically) as I have often quickly done before. Is it because i’m too tired? maybe. I live in an apartment with another girl who has an eating disorder and just my luck, is very very far from recovery. Tonight, I got really sick of my bullshit and finally got myself to make dinner around 9 after 3 ish weeks of beating around it and having goldfish or half a bullshit smushed pbj I didn’t have time to eat at work. however on rare occasion, all my roomies were here and kiki’ing in the kitchen, when suddenly the other girl gets up and is like “okay fuck it im eating!” after watching me and my other roommate start to cook. Yall. not only does this girl strictly eat diet food to the point where it’s officially fucked with her period cycle, but she gets up and the way i can FEEL her angry beside me on a calorie tracker.... words cannot describe how uncomfortable i feel in this place. its as though im watching my worst moments on a loop and i can’t do anything about it but cry. If i clench my jaw tighter my molar will crack and pierce the soft gums below it. I don’t know if its me being over my bullshit and knowing i can’t /don’t want to go back to that, or what, but i actually stood there and told myself “you’re finishing making this and you’re going to fucking eat it”. it wasn’t much, i’ll be honest, but i did. It was horrible the entire time and i felt like I was being incredibly judged but jesus christ i ate. and thats going to have to be enough. everything all of the time is just this constant reminder something is wrong with me and im just so tired. im so tired. all i want to do is be okay during this internship and i cant be. How can i be? Its like sticking an addict in a room with nothing but everything at their fingertips, man. All i want to do is watch a stupid fucking anime with someone i like and feel NORMAL and i can’t, they’re calling a man who’s at best a 34 a pig boy. all i want to do is go to a theme park and enjoy myself and i CAN’T cause this new friend happens to be obsessed with talking about how bad food is for you!! literally all of the time, and eating fast! and oh my god did you know that traditoinal mooncakes are wonderful but SOOOOO calorie dense? yeah! they’re actually HORRIBLEEEEE for you! did you know this? because now i do.
i just want the luxury of being able to fucking exist, and at this point i don’t think thats genuinely possible. every day the world shows me that i’m one of the worst possible outcomes it seems. i’m this girls worst nightmare. I’m my mothers worst nightmare and yet she tells me im beautiful so whats the truth? but also dont dress that way because it’s not flattering. but also she’d kill to look like me yet i’m what she’s spent her lifetime killing herself to not look like. everyday there’s a new issue. Is it an issue? am I my hair or my legs or my uneven bone structure? am i the issue? and why do people fear me? Do they see my insides from the outside? what can they possibly know when im trying so hard to hide? i’m trying to hide it all, i’m trying to fix it. did i ever really need to fix it? You love my laugh but its too loud and its too ridiculous and i’m too annoying, do i need to be smaller? Are my insecurities really an issue to be fixed? are they really an issue? well it wont be next week....but it’ll swing back the week after! and be in your head all over again and when people are positioned on a certain side you’ll wonder if they focus in on it the same way you do, like when you’re at the movies. you love being there but hate the seats and you’re in your head partially because of how they are positioned and what if you look disgusting what if you’re vile? and oh god are they able to tell? oh wait, its a new week, and now its not as bad as you thought until oh waIT! oh GOD! you just saw it again , with worse eyes than before, and now you’re crying in the work bathroom. until wait, let me trade out worrying about this issue with your hair texture. too much right? not enough? the girls always told you you should straighten it. should you start that again? no, you don’t want to, but you know its whats preferred and easier to look at- less of a mess, less loud.
I think everyday is just going to be the world telling me something is wrong with me and i’m supposed to now just learn to be okay with that. i dont know, but I wish i was someone who could have the right to just be.
#ed tw#I feel like everyone who goes out with me and has a good to normal relationship w food and#doesn't feel the need to say things you shouldn't while eating is owed a kiss on the mouth and a lifetime of my love#they have no idea the solace they bring me but god the way i tear up when i think of them#I can count on a single hand who they are and i wish i could tell them how thankful i am but it wouldn't make any sense if they heard#how do you begin to tell someone that they make you feel less lonely performing a task you have to that makes you want to die#90% of the time? you can't
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how do you cope with falling out of prayer? now that i got that out of my mouth i feel so stupid. i love Them so much but even when im chasing after Their love i dont feel like im returning it with the same vigor. i used to have a fixed prayer time for my rosaries and novenas, and now i dont because i dont feel like it. which is the worst possible feeling i could ever have and despite my attempts to be rational about it. through prayer i get peace of mind but nowadays i cant seem to pray without a sound mind. it's such a vicious cycle and it often makes me question my faith as someone who has never had their faith wavered as bad as this before
First of all, beloved, you are not stupid. You are honest and brave and you're working through something lots of other people struggle with. I can tell how deeply you care about this, and the fact that you're reaching out shows how important this is to you. I've been here—and in some ways am dealing with this right now.
I love the way you're phrasing this—"falling out of prayer." That's such a good way to put how it feels to have a practice and accidentally or purposefully (or some combination of both) move away from it. I also love the almost love story-like imagery you've chosen regarding chasing after God's love. I'm obsessed with this idea. Keep chasing, but also know that God meets us where we are. We don't have to find Them or earn Them—we just have to exist. God is already with you and in love with you. And you can't do anything about it. As Philip Yancey reminds us, there is nothing we can do to make God love us more and there is nothing we can do to make God love us less.
I want to give you a massive shoutout for saying the words "I don't feel like it." Sometimes I try to come up with elaborate excuses for why I don't do something, but sometimes? We just don't feel like it. Now, usually there's something more to it than that, usually some reason why we don't feel like it (and I firmly believe that laziness does not exist), and those reasons are worth exploring (as you've started to do), but the place we often need to start is, "I don't feel like it." Let's start from there, honestly and helplessly. You're not a bad or neglectful person—you're hurting.
Another thing: it doesn't have to be rational. You don't have to be rational. Obviously knowing how to think rationally is a useful skill, but I strongly believe that emotion/feeling has just as much a place in our lives. Honestly, there's not much that's rational in my prayer. There is no logic I can point to that proves/describes prayer. We pray because of love and trust and belief, and those things usually aren't rational. So I'd encourage you to listen to what you're feeling instead of forcing any kind of thought structure on yourself. There doesn't have to be a reason why you feel a certain way or experience a certain thing. Sometimes we just feel and sometimes things just happen.
Know that prayer does not require passion or vigor. We often want it to—we want to feel moved to prayer, we want it to somehow feel real, but this isn't always the case. Sometimes we sit down to pray because we know it's important and we know we need it and we don't feel anything. And that's okay. Let go of any pressure you might be feeling to have any kind of specific experience. Prayer is unique and personal and new every day.
Many people come to ritual for this reason—they don't know what to say or how to say it so they form habits surrounding the rosary or prayers other people have written. It sounds like for a while this was really meaningful to you! One thing that happens as we grow and change as people is that what we need and find meaning in changes as well. Perhaps right now you're in a place where you're not connecting to the rituals you used to, and that's okay. Granted, I'm not Catholic, so I don't think I have a full idea of how important the rosary is to some people's faith (it's never been a part of my practice), but you should not feel pressured to make any specific prayer a habit!
My suggestion would be, while working on accepting what you're feeling and where you are, seeking out new ways to pray—and even expanding your definition of what prayer is! Maybe you didn't say the rosary today (maybe you had a really elaborate reason or maybe you just didn't feel like it!) but did you go for a walk and look at the sky and thank God for the beautiful color it is? Did you have a little conversation with God on your commute? Did you dance or sing? Did you read/write a poem? Did you journal? Did you give someone a hug? These things can all bring you closer to God, and that, for me, is what prayer is. It doesn't have to be long or serious or obvious to anyone watching—it doesn't have to be anything.
There is a place for learning/reading prayers—they can center us, give us words when we have none, and connect us with people across time and space. But the time you're spending feeling guilty for not doing what you've always done could be spent praying in other ways!
I really like what you said about that cycle—how prayer can bring us a better mindset but without that mindset it's hard to pray. This is so real. The fact that you recognize that in yourself is so wonderful and that's half the struggle! Expanding what prayer is and letting go of the pressure to pray a certain way/from a certain emotion can help us break this cycle, as well as letting go of the guilt that might come with not praying. Remind yourself of what you told me: prayer brings you peace of mind. You don't need that peace to come to God; peace is what God gives to you. Don't put that burden on yourself, don't think that you need to create that peace for yourself. We can't do that ourselves. So if you don't have a good mindset or that peace? That's a good time to pray. The best time, in fact. A key idea for me has been bringing what I have before God. Come as you are. I check in with myself—what do I have today? Well, I have doubt and depression and fear and guilt. Here I am, God. Here's all I have to bring you. It might be all I'll ever have. And that's all prayer is sometimes.
Okay, so maybe you love the rosary and you don't like the idea of praying in different ways. You crave the motivation to practice what you've always done and you're lost without it. That's great! But you're gonna have to let go of some of the pressure. There was a time in your life where you had a fixed prayer time every day, and now you don't. That's a fact, not a condemnation. Things change. There's nothing to fix, but maybe you have a goal to make. Some things you could do: Set a reminder in your phone/schedule a time on your calendar. Start with a once-a-week goal and see what happens. Keep a journal—whenever you don't feel like praying, write down why that might be, and when you do pray, write about your experience. Pray in different places—your backyard, the subway, a local church you've never been to, maybe just your living room instead of your bedroom. We cannot force motivation, and we cannot force authenticity. We can only give ourselves space to come back to what we know we were made for.
The last thing I want to say is questioning your faith/practices is not a bad thing and does not make you a bad person. It might be hard and alienating and uncertain, but it is not evil. "Doubting" Thomas was the first to recognize Jesus's divinity. Periods of wavering and doubt in our lives often lead to the most beautiful experiences of faith. (Not always—sometimes they just hurt. I acknowledge that.) Opening myself up to questions has been one of the holiest faith journeys I've ever experienced. Reframe what's going on: You're not forsaking God—you said yourself that you love Them. So what might you be doing? Asking questions. Wondering what's real. Changing how you experience faith. None of these things imply the absence of God in your life—they imply growth, change, maybe some pain. Even questioning whether God is there at all doesn't change God's distance from us—They're still right there, waiting for us to grow into a new understanding.
Cut yourself some slack! You are full of love and desire for God and you're honest about things you want to be better at. This is a journey, and it isn't a straight line. There are ups and downs, places of confusion and places of rest. Wherever you are, you are whole and loved and exactly as close to God as you've been every day of your life (which is to say, embraced fully by the Creator of the universe). Go. There's a whole world ahead of you, full of old and new practices, familiar and foreign spaces. Your rosary and novenas are waiting for you, whenever (or if) you come back to them. In the meantime, there is holiness to be found everywhere.
Wishing you that peace which the world cannot give—but which we can be given just by living in the world.
<3 Johanna
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Forever Was a Long Time Ago
Where you and Clay find yourselves caught up in someone elses lies.
- ANON REQUESTED!
- FEM READER!
Prompts!
4) "I never fucking wanted this/that!"
16) "Stop bringing it up"
⚠︎ toxic relationship, swearing, mentions of sex (?), and horrible writing. I didn't proofread either
It was hard to not talk to him, but that was your decision at the moment. You didnt even tell him what was the matter, and you refused to until you found out your real feelings about where you lie. Right now you were mad, fuming, of course you were refusing to talk to him because he dosen't talk to you.
The reason why the distance between you and Clay grew further and further apart was that a stupid tweet from this girl. He knew what he wae doing too, it was like him to do this behind the scenes. It was a tweet that showed him at a dinner table with another person other than you across the table from him. At least they had the decency to exclude his face from the frame, but the hands, and clothes were something you were all used to. The tweet continued on and on, and you believed every word.
He knew what he was doing. He did this often, because jealousy was a big thing in your relationship. You can admit it isnt all just him too, it was a possesive relationship. It wasn't healthy at all and you knew it. Your friends and family knew too, but you two always found yourself in his arms.
Clay liked to toy with you, but this was taking it too far. You ended up messaging the creator of the tweet and they said that everything was true and they went into extreme detail too. They even brought up screenshots of messages that you would deem fake. If it wasn't for your rage right, you would've debunked that right away.
Wallowing in your anger was a common thing for both of you in the relationship. The first time this happend was at a small party Clay invited you to. He ended up flirting and paying all of his attention to another person just to get you jealous. It started off innocent to make something more out of nothing, but became worse with time. You started to do the same to him and vice versa, it became a habit more than a thing to make eachother horny for a night.
The jealousy thing became more of a guilty pleasure, and the guilty pleasure became cheating. For you two it was okay because you two were going back to eachother, it was okay until now. Now a person was rubbing it in your face, usually it was a quick night without eachother, ignoring one another for a week and then getting back together until the cycle completes again.
It was emotionally tiring but you couldn't break out of it, maybe this was a sign to stop.
Today marks a week and a half with no contact with Clay. You had locked yourself up in your home today, you couldn't bother to do anything productive today. It was just one of those days, and it was a day where you wondered if Clay would text or call you. You shamelessly watched his livestreams, you missed his voice, his touch, his whole being. You wondered if his friends were saying the same stuff about you your friends were saying about him.
You were a puppet. You fell everytime his hands weren't pulling the strings and right now you wouldn't be under his control. You refused this time.
Speaking of the devil, your phone chimed signaling that you have received a message. You had opened it and it was one of many extremely vauge texts from Clay.
( Clay )
Im coming over now
[read]
Not bothering to text back, you continued to pay attention to something else. You were ready to confrony him and put an end to this.
It was a few minuted before you heard the lock on your door being unlocked and a voice calling for you.
"You home?!"
"In the living room!"
He reached the living room and sat in a smaller chair to your right. You two sat in silence until you worked up to courage to speak.
"Why are you here?" You asked him breaking the silence.
"Why did you let me in here?" Clay retorted.
"I mean, it's not like you just invited yourself in. You had to have something to say."
"Not necessarily, can I just visit my girl?" Clay leaned back into his seat.
"Yeah you can, but I wouldn't consider myself your girlfriend." You sat up and croseed your arms. Your phone was to your side waiting to show him the evidence.
"Really? What is this, the 5th time you've said that?" Clay rolled his eyes in response.
"You've done the same thing more time than I could count. You have no right to talk."
"I have absolutely every right." Clay smirked. He knew he was getting under your skin.
"So, Why did you go out with that girl?" You asked bluntly.
"Why wouldn't I? I mean it isnt a big deal we're here now."
"To me it is a big deal!"
"It never fucking was before when you were seeing another guy!" Clay yelled sitting up.
"I never fucking wanted this?! I never wanted to see you with a different guy, but here we are!"
"I didn't fucking start this whole cheating rabbit hole thing!" You flared your arms.
"What I saw was that you were talking with that girl for a while! It was months."
"What?!"
You had brought out your phone and pulled up the messages and extended your arm to give him your phone to read. He had taken the phone out of your hand with a confused face on his face. You waited while he scrolled through text messages while an emotion you couldn't read was on his face.
"Would you be mad if I said it was all true?" Clay had this look of caution on his face.
"YES! I fucking would!" You exclaimed in disbelief.
"I still dont know why?"
You stood up wanting to let off some steam. "This is what we do! Dont you see?! We keep going in circles. I go out with a man, and you get mad. You go out with a girl and I get mad, we come back together, but a whole month?!"
"Does it matter?!" Clay stood up too.
"Yes!"
"Remember when-"
"No! We're talking about YOU right now and how this little fling started a month ago. If you loved her that much stay!"
"Remember when you spent two nights over that boys house and-"
"Stop bringing it up!" You interrupted him.
"Then you stop trying to act like you're a saint!"
Pausing for a moment you wanted to get out of this situation. Clearly this argument wasn't getting anywhere or heading to the right place, your body temperature was hot, you needed to clear your head.
You tried walking away, but Clay held you there. "I dont "love" her I never-!"
"You stayed consistent with her more than me!"
"Stop acting like you're such a angel! Acting like you haven't dont the same too!"
"Not for that long! Get that through your head!" You tried walking away again, but he had a grip on you wrist.
You glared at him, staring right into his eyes, his grip getting slightly tighter wanting to make you stay.
"Let me go."
He froze at that and stood still. After sll this time of you two being together, you have never said those words. They had multiple meanings at this moments. One being "let me go physically" and the other being "let me go so I can move on." You had meant both.
"You mean it?"
"What do you think I mean?" You asked, his grip on your wrist stayed there as you awaited his answer.
He paused for a moment and then he started to speak. "You want to leave this relationship. That's what I believe."
"Well. You are right. Clay I'm tired. You know that!"
His grip on your wrist loosened. He was giving you an opening to leave and you took it. You took that opening and when your hand left his you two were done with eachother. The confrontation was quick, it usually was like this, today you just wanted it to be over. You grabbed your keys and a coat from the coat rack needing some fresh air
"You need to leave my house by the time I get back. Okay?" You turned around to see Clay in the same spot you left him in. He nodded and you slipped on your shoes and left the house for the night.
The windows of your car were rolled down as you rode through the streets not having a destination in mind. It was clear to you, a weight lifted from your shoulders and a new opening was near, but you couldn't see it yet.
You could breathe now, nothing else mattered. You had stopped at a red light and you phone continued to light up. There was not that many drivers on the road at this hour, so you opened the phone to a string of messages.
( Clay )
She lied
I was trying to tell you, but you lashed out, but I understand
I'll focus on you I promise. I wont break promises anymore.
Come back
[read]
You sighed looking at the messages and a wave of guilt washed over you. You had found a place to turn your car around and drive back to your house where he was waiting for you against your wishes.
The circle was completed once more.
#mcyt blurb#dream x reader#mcyt angst#mcyt fluff#mcyt x reader#mcyt headcanons#dream x y/n#dream angst#dream blurb#dreamwastaken imagine#dreamwastaken x reader#dream imagine#dreamwastaken x you#mcyt x you#mcyt x y/n#dream smp x reader#mcyt requests#requested
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Hello!1st I wanted to say i love your blog its *chefs kiss*,and 2nd could I request (i dont know if this is in someway triggering or not so i apologize) a MC who doesnt believe the brothers can love them 'cause they despise themself and they are so set on (?) with that mindset that the brothers cant convince them otherwise,but MC themself wants to feel loved they...just cant...and they just breakdown saying they arent special and when the brothers meet other humans they will realise that MC is nothing,that they are a horrible being and they will leave them for somebody better,does that make sense I dont wanna go too deep into it(totaaaaally not self projecting)I am so sorry if this is a sensitive topic,feel free to ignore this ask,this has been eating me out for weeks so I just wanted to seek some comfort.Once again your blog is great and dont overwork yourself, take care! :D 🤍
I've definitely been there and even now, I still have these fears. Growing out of these Insecurities and feelings are hard even if you work hard to be as confident as you can. One day it'll happen but until then you just gotta keep reminding yourself that you're worth the world
Also tip, please don't rely on others for self worth - people can be cruel or simply just unpredictable. Not all but until you see every colour of a person you don't know. If you depend on someone else to give you worth and make you feel good then that'll start a very unhealthy cycle for yourself
I hate this phase "love yourself before you love others" because you don't need to, you can find healthy and happy relationships whilst insecure. But I think what it really means is; get self worth before you love another. Make sure you don't do yourself damage by giving you Someone who does the bare minimum or will sometimes make you feel good but is usually a dick.
You can find love but that love can be wrong if you don't pay attention to the red flags. Don't let your insecurities drag you into unhealthy relationships.
Because you are stunning, worth it and loveable. You're Someone people can look up to or admire even if it's for something simple like your humour.
Also thank you, I'll be sure to not overwork myself, make sure you don't pressure yourself too hard about work or your hobbies. Hobbies are all about fun!
Warning: self loathing, depressive themes, angst
You could stand it.
Your eyes traveled along the gifts and trinkets that were in your room. Each one gifted to you by a powerful demon; a demon you live with.
You couldn't stand it.
You could get it; why would someone like that every like you? You weren't special and yet Everyone insisted that you were. You're not the key. Not anything Diavolo wants or expects. Definitely not what the brothers want.
You had to scoff. The brothers only like you because of Lilith, if you were related then they'd never see you as anything but some human. Lilith dragged you here, she made sure you came here and for what? To be always told you're going to be some big thing; someone to destroy hatred and help bring together three realms.
Do they not realize how much pressure that is??!!!! And the how are you even going to do that?! You're magic is unpredictable and useless - it perfectly reflects you.
You whimpered at your own thoughts. The word useless stinging at your heart; it was almost if a knife lodged itself into your chest. Constantly stabbing the word useless into it.
You were useless. They need to find someone who can actually live up to their expectations. Just a good for nothing human....why do they even like you?
You looked back at the gifts, your watery stare turning into a hateful glare.
The question was burning inside your head. You couldn't understand; what did he see in you? You're not special! You're not anything anyone wants you to be and you're just being forced on a pedestal you didn't make!
Why did he always look at you the way he does? Like you actually mean something. Why does he smile so softly when you enter the room?
Why would he be like that when you KNOW that as soon as he meets another human, he'll be running after them without hesitation. Everyone was so much more attractive than you and better than you - you couldn't get why he loved you. Why- no how?! You weren't good enough for him!
No matter how many times he says I love you or compliments you it leaves such a bitter disgusting taste in your mouth. You're so horrible you can't even let people be nice to you - it's all a lie anyway. No one could love you. Never. No one!
You were useless! Disgusting! You weren't even attractive! You weren't loveable! You're a horrible person who looks just as horrible as they are. How can they look at you like that?! How can they stand you?! You're nothing!
You don't get it!
Why?! Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why-!
A scream ripped itself out of your throat. Tears streaming down your face as you clutched your head. Your body curled into itself, shaking and trembling as you choked on your sobs. You coughed through it as you tried to breath but the tears kept coming. Drowning you as you desperately tried to breath under their weight.
The pain was unbelievable. You felt like your head was on fire. You could barely even make out the figure standing at your door. Whoever they were, they scooped you up from the floor and rubbed circles into your arms. You clutched to them for dear life as you cried.
Somewhere in your brain you could tell who it was and it only made you cry harder. Shame filling your lungs as you tried to escape their caring embrace.
"No-! Stop it! I'm nothing! I'm useless-! Let me go-!! Why- why won't you leave me alone?! I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!! LET ME DIE-!"
were you dying? You felt like it. The ache was painful; your chest growing tighter and tighter. You pounded on their chest, demanding they let you be the useless thing that you are alone.
Lucifer:
He forced back his tears
Just rubbing circles into your skin as he held you
To think you were this Insecure despite being the nicest person who knew
You were Better than him and don't let pride stop you - you were amazing
"not good enough for me? What made you believe that...? You're perfect for me, you complete me."
You denied his claims, sobbing as you listed your insecurities
"Your insecurities don't define you, you're so much more than that - I wouldn't of picked you to be my love if I didn't think you'd be adequate."
He wasn't sure if you were still listening but he pushed past his doubts
Adjusting you in his embrace
"I- I'm not sure if I'm comforting you....I'm not good at being the gentle hand, I want you to see how I see you - you're kind, charming and always keeping me in awe, you mean so much to me, I'll trade anything I could just to see you smile - I love you."
Mammon:
There can only be one self loathing idioit in this relationship
He refuses to let you feel like how he has
His forced confidence - you could easily see through it - anyone could
But you were the only one who then actually helped him feel better when you did see through it
He let a few tears stray, holding you close
"did someone say something to you? I don't forgive 'em for ever making ya this upset, I'm not letting you feel like this."
You shook your head, muttering that he should let you
"why should I? You're my favourite person and you've only made me happy - so let me make you happy! You're the only person who's ever treated me the way ya treat me and I won't let you hate yourself!"
He hugged you even tighter, squeezing you as he hid his face in your shoulder
"you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, okay? You always know how to make me feel better and it's my turn to make you feel better but you gotta listen to me! I lo-love you! The great Mammon loves you so badly that he just wants to kiss you every day! You're amazing and I won't forgive ya if you let yourself keep going on like this, let me support you.... please...I don't want you to go."
Levithan:
He couldn't get it
He's always been jealous of your personality and ability to make others feel good
His envy makes him despise himself - so seeing you be the same, he couldn't take it
He gave you one big squeeze
"d-don't be stupid! You're the best thing that's come into my life - even better than ruri-chan!"
You didn't believe him, he was obessed with that character
"but it's true-! If I could I'd get loads of merchandise of you too because you're my favourite person! You're just like the protagonists I read about."
His face was beat red but he was determined to make you feel better
"You're Henry, you are brave and kind, always trying your best even if that best isn't up to your own or others standards, you Inspire me! I've thought about of making a series about you...so others can feel just as happy as I do when I see you, you make me feel less insecure and like I actually mean something - why can I do to make you feel the same? You mean everything to me! I really like you....I like-like you-! I LOVE YOU AND I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY! Let me make you feel how you make me feel because then you'll see just how amazing you are!"
Satan:
Did someone makes you feel like this or was it just your own thoughts?
If it isn't the latter he'll need to find out who's hurt you
But right now, he hugged you tighter and cradled your head
He couldn't stand to see and hear you so destressed
"did I do something to make you feel like this? I'm so sorry if I did, I don't always realize when I come off rude or hateful- I could never hate you."
You held him tight, telling him to stop
"but I need to fix it if I've hurt you and if it wasn't me then whoever did needs to keep quiet, you don't deserve these feelings."
You huffed, trying to not cry more
He gave your Shoulder a small squeeze
"you're more than enough for me, you're so good to me - sometimes I wonder if I'm good enough for you, you're always so patient with me and don't make me feel like I'm some unthinking beast, you don't think I'm lying when I be genuine and that makes me love you - I do love you - you make me feel good and I want to do the same for you, you're beyond good and I'll always be happy with the person you are and can become because I know you can do so much and always bring positivity even in the darkest times."
Asmodeus:
He's crying too
He hated of being seen as insecure
He only wanted confidence
Seeing you sob and beat on yourself like this only reminded him of his most private moments
He held you even closer, rocking you gently
"No, dear, I love you too much to let you feel like this, you're amazing to me and I think you're better than even myself, you're my number 1."
You shook your head, telling him he's lying
"I'm not, why would I lie? You're the sweetest person I know, you don't see me as some sex object - you make me feel real and happy - so so happy."
He kissed the top of your head, hiding his tear streaked face
"I want you to be happy....you deserve it, you've got only so long to live and I'm so scared that you're going to hate yourself even until you die, I don't want that! You're beautiful amazing and I could never ask for anyone better! Please- just let's work on our confidence together...okay? You're so wonderful, don't let yourself become so hateful."
Beezlebub:
He's absolutely broken
How didn't he realize you felt this bad about yourself??
He didn't even realize he was crying aswell, just holding you close as his mind screamed at him
"did something make you feel like this? It hurts to hear you say these things."
You shook your head before nodding, muttering you just won't talk anymore
"I didn't mean that, I always want you to be open with me and if not me, atleast one of my brother's."
He picked you up, placing you in a more comfortable position and held you close to his chest
"I love you, it took me awhile to realize that but I do, you make me feel full and happy - like I just ate a big buffet of warm cakes and dishes, I'm always warm when I'm with you, I don't believe you're not good enough - you're kind to me and never judge me for eating, you help me with working out but most importantly, you fixed my family and brought my twin back, I don't know how to make you see how much that means to me and I don't want you to feel bad about yourself when you're always the best person in the room - you're really great."
Belphegor:
"just let me die"
Those words hurt him so bad
He was like that, he demanded to be left to Rot with his own self loathing when Lilith died
He pulled you close to his chest as he grabbed your shoulder
"You're not allowed to feel like this, you've done nothing to feel this much hatred towards yourself."
You told him he was wrong, crying harder
"when am I wrong? I- okay, I can be wrong but I'm not wrong about you, you're my favourite person which means I love you and I don't let my favourite people sit and cry."
He cuddled you, nuzzling his cheek against yours
"You saved me and I will never able to make it up to you, I've hurt you and I hate it- I hate that I'm a reason you get scared, don't ever let yourself rot away, when my brother's just leave me to sleep I always feel so much dread - that I'm being left to die in my bed and will never get to see their faces again - I'll never be able to see your face again....I wouldn't be able to take it.....seeing you everyday makes me want to leave my bed and always make sure you smile, let me make you smile again."
#obey me#obey me shall we date#gamingclubpresident#aracadejohn217 9#obey me mammon#obey me mc#obey me asmodeus#obey me satan#obey me beelzebub#obey me belphegor#obey me luficer#obey me levithan#obey me imagine#obey me x mc#obey me x reader#obey me headcanon#obey me headcanons#obey me angst#angst
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Omg okay so! I only come on tumblr to lurk on your account hehe, just wanna let you know that I would die for Clyde and Rudy and I am so glad they are (not) in a masterlist now and that they (dont) have a tag!! Love our boys
Would you ever consider doing an AU type thing where they get introduced to pets with not so nice owners? Mason would probably like to remind them of how kind he is compared to some lol
First off- thank you so much!! that's super flattering!! Yeahhhhhh Nemi pointed out the hypocrisy of some of my tags that are like #rudy and clyde don't need a tagy #I have 3 more pieces planned for them.
Well 4 I guess if we include this one...
CW: Pet whump, abuse mention, conditioned whumpee, comforted by whumper.
[Rudy and Clyde Masterlist]
Rudy saw the other pet from across the lawn and paused. What, what happened to them? They seemed so scared and nervous, flinching away from the sounds of owners chatting and other pets playing.
“Hi! I’m Rudy!” he introduced himself, smiling brightly at them. The pet jolted, arms hugging themself. His brow furrowed and he cocked his head. They had dark hair and eyes, with dark circles under their eyes. He thought it was make-up at first, but it clearly wasn’t.
“Are you okay?” he asked, coming a little closer. The other pet’s eyes snapped up to him, then around.
“I-I, I’m okay. I’m good.”
“Oh, me too!” Rudy exclaimed, happy they could find something in common. “Or at least, that’s what Master says.”
The other pet nodded, sitting cross-legged in the grass. Rudy joined them, glancing down to see if he could find a clover.
“Are you new? I haven’t seen you at the park before.” The pet shook their head, not really looking up at him. Rudy leaned closer, head pulled to the side to try and catch their eye.
“No, just... We don’t come to the park often. Master - I only get to come if I’ve been good and I haven’t been good.”
Rudy pulled up some of the blades of grass and sprinkled them on the other pet’s knee. He scrunched up his face at the bruises on their legs, too.
“Why haven’t you been good? What did you do?” Being good was easy. Master made it so easy to follow the pictures and the routine and the rules. Some things were hard, like not getting over-excited or not watching people shows, but those were never things that would keep him from getting to go to the park.
There was a soft sniffle that broke his thoughts. The other pet wiped their eyes quickly, trying to keep from crying. “I-I-I don’t know. I try so hard, but I keep being bad and then Master b-beats me and then I’m slow and I can’t be good and-”
“Byre!”
The other pet’s head snapped up quickly at the loud voice, to a larger man sitting on one of the benches. He had a coffee in one hand, his phone in the other. He looked angry, his conversation with the blonde women intrurpted to yell at his stupid pet. Byre shuddered and their teeth clacked when they snapped their jaw shut.
Rudy leaned over to look at him, then back at Byre. Beats? Their owner beats him?
“P-p-punishes. When Master punishes me,” Byre corrected themself, shivering slightly.
“Did, did he do….” Rudy started, gesturing at the dark marks on Byre’s arms and legs. The other pet nodded softly and wiped their eyes again.
Rudy didn’t know what to say, instead just staring at them.
Byre looked up and into Rudy’s eyes, heart aching just to see another compassionate face, simply someone who cared. “Sometimes,” they whispered softly, “sometimes I know I wasn’t bad. He, he just likes to hurt me. Likes it when I’m scared of him.”
His eyes flared wide, the sentiment sending a shiver down his spine. Liked it? Liked hurting his pets? Rudy knew that owners could be mean, they could not care or not understand what an undertaking pets were like his first didn’t - but enjoying hurting them? The thought was too terrible for him to even consider.
“What are you whispering about you little rat,” a voice came and Rudy scrambled to his feet, panting. Somehow the man was right next to them, crouched down to get into the pets’ space. His features were bold and angry, eyeing Rudy with suspicion. Byre curled into themself, still staring up at Rudy for help.
Rudy ran.
Without even thinking, he bolted away from them and back towards where Master was sitting. He climbed up onto the bench with him, practically worming his way into the man’s lap.
“Hey, hey hey hey what happened? What are you so scared of?” Mason asked, seeing his wide-eyed pet and feeling him tremble slightly. He followed the boy’s eye line to see someone dragging a dark haired pet out by the collar. He sighed.
“Fuck, he came back,” he muttered as he pulled Rudy into a more comfortable position on his lap.
“B-b-b-back?” Rudy whispered, hugging his chest and hiding his face. Mason took a deep breath.
“Yeah, he’s been here once or twice before. Not in a while, tho. I had hoped he wouldn’t come back here but….”
Rudy was starting to calm himself in his owner’s arms, listening to the man’s heart beat and feeling the gentle circles he rubbed into his back. “They, they, they said he beats them.”
Out of the pet’s sight, Mason’s eyes slipped closed as he let out a deep breath. “I’m not surprised.”
“He, he’s, he’s not supposed to do that. Masters are supposed to be good, r-right?” he asked, peeking out of his safe space. Mason set his jaw and pet through the boy’s fluffy brown hair.
“Good owners don’t beat their pets, Rudy. But some do. They’re allowed to punish them however they see fit, and for some people that means hitting and striking them.”
Rudy whimpered lightly, nuzzling back into Mason’s shirt. Mason let him, understanding how shaken he was by the experience. It wasn’t that he was trying to protect his boys from this side of pet ownership, just that he didn’t associate with those kinds of people.
Clyde trotted over quickly, noticing something was wrong. Mason simply told him they were going home, and that Rudy had found a bad owner. Clyde nodded, remembering the first time he had found a pet layered in scars as well.
~~
“I ran, Clyde. I just ran away,” Rudy lamented, laying with Clyde in his bed. The other pet wrapped his arms around him.
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Rud. You can’t blame any of it on yourself, there was nothing you could do.”
“But they said he beats them. Do, do, do,” he shuttered, looking up at the other pet, “Do all other Master’s beat their pets? Did we just get really, really lucky? What, what, what if Master gives me away and my next owner beats me and I get those bruises and-”
“Rudy,” Clyde said pointedly, holding his face with both hands to try and break him out of his cycle. “What did Master say about worrying like that?”
Rudy swallowed and looked away. “To not to.”
“Then don’t. He’s not going to get rid of you - you know that. You need to tell him you keep worrying so he can help.”
The younger pet cringed a little, knowing Clyde was right. Master would help. “I hope Byre’s okay.”
Clyde didn’t respond.
tagging @whumpeesblog @whumpingredroses
#pet whump#abuse mention#conditioned whumpee#pet whumpee#whump#comforted by whumper#dehumanization tw#rudy and clyde don't need a tag#byre is NOT AN OC
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Delusional - Part 9!
When Delaney woke up she didn't recognize anything around her. One thing she did know is she felt like she had been hit by a truck. Looking around her, the dimly lit room was empty apart from a shabby wooden table a few feet infront of her with a camera tripod placed in the centre. Looking down at the uncomfortable chair she was sat in she silently thanked god she was still in her shorts and Jax’s T-shirt she wore yesterday. As her head pounded painfully she tried to think back to yesterday and how the hell she ended up here. She couldnt remember anything after crying in the bathroom as Jax left. Jax. Oh God. He was probably hauled up with Tara making up for lost time. he probably didnt even know she was gone. Tears welled in her eyes as she realised no one was looking for her. No one knew she was gone. Before she could let herself panic too much the heavy steel door to the right of the room was slammed open. Out walked Kevin and Delaneys stomach dropped heavily. Yes Kevin was weird but he couldnt be the matermind behind this. NO. Delaney was 100% sure there was something else to this. She didnt have to wait long to get her answer either. A few minutes later Alex followed Kevin into the cold room with a video camera held tightly in his hands. Delaney Knew she was right. Her Jaw fell slack as she made eye contact with the man that ruined her life and nearly killed her. The man she was convinced for years she loved deeply. “Hey Babe, Did you miss me?” Alex smirked at the shock that was still clear on he face. “What? W-why? H-how?” Delaney could barley speak never mind stutter the small questions she do desperately wanted answers to. “Oh sweetie ill explain everything dont you worry. But first things first-” Alex raised his finger dramatically and turned to the video camera that now sat firmly on the tripod. Pressing the ON button and connecting a cable it beeped to life. “ I dont think your little Biker Bitch will want to miss out on this.” Before Delaney could say anything a chain was tightly hooked to the handcuffs around her wrists and yanked upwards. In seconds she was hung from the ceiling with her arms suspended above her head. Gasping in pain she clenched her eyes shut tightly. Her shoulders were on fire immediately and her toes barley brushed the damp floor. Glaring at Alex as he came to stand Beside her Delaney scoffed. “So whats the plan? Kill me? Send the video to the club? You know they’ll kill you right? You kill me and Jax will come for your head.” Alex burst out laughing and shook his head. “Oh Baby girl, you’ve grown some balls since you were mine.” Grabbing her face tightly he yanked her forward on the chain so she was closer to the camera. “This is being streamed to the Clubhouse as we speak. Kevin here managed to change the connection at the last beer delivery and you didnt even notice.” Tutting at her sarcastically Alex let go of her face and smiled at her. “Kevin here is a sucker for a pretty face. He fell for you pretty quickly. I find it quite rude you weren’t particularly nice about the gifts he left for you. The notes were me ofcourse. Poor Kevin here doesnt have the same artistic flare as me.” Alex’s smile was sinister as he turned from Delaney to take a Knife from Kevin. Delaney’s stomach turned as he made his way back towards her and grabbed her neck tightly so she couldnt flinch away. The grin on his face made Delaney feel sick as he cut the navy blue SAMCRO T-shirt from her body. She could only hope that whatever it was he had planned for her, he would kill her quick.
The slamming of the clubhouse door hinted at Jax’s arrival. Half sack had called him to explain what showed up on the bar TV and within minutes every club member and Gemma was crowded around the large screen. Jax’s heart broke as his eyes locked on Delaney’s fearful ones. She was hung from the ceiling in nothing but a black lace bra and black cycle shorts. “So this is what you’ve been planning for the year we’ve been seperated? Finding me a stalker and planning your revenge?” Delaney spat angrily. Kevin stood in the corner just staring ad her as she was suspended half naked in the dirty room and it made her want to vomit. Jax turned up the volume on the TV just as Alex came into view. Looking at his mother Jax’s eyes were on fire with anger. “I thought you said he left her and moved back to England?” Gemma glared at her son. “ And i thought you were meant to be protecting her? You left her and the bastard swooped in and took her! I’m not the only one with some explaining to do am i?!” Jax shook his head and turned back to the screen. Now was not the time to argue with his impossible mother. He needed to focus on finding Delaney. He focused his attention back on the screen just in time to see Alex put the Knife to her neck. “You were mine. You really think i was going to let you go that easy? We would still be together if it wasnt for Jaxon Teller. You didnt care about me anymore once you met him.” Alex Gripped Delaney by the Hair and pulled her head back exposing her neck more. “You’re wrong! About everything.” Gasping in pain as strands of her hair were pulled out by the roots Delaney had to argue. She couldnt let him blame everything on Jax. “You’re just upset you lost your fucking punchbag! You beat me almost every day i was with you for nothing. The day i got that Job at Teller-Morrow was the day i got part of my life back. I wasnt just your housewife anymore. I had my own money and i was saving up to leave you.” Alex stepped away from Delaney his face crimson red with anger, But with tears streaming down her face she continued to tell him the truth. Her Truth. He needed to know just how much of a monster he was. “Then i came home late from a club party late, they’d asked me to work the bar, do you remember? How you accused me of sleeping with every member? How you told me the only thing i was good for was being passed around? That no one would ever want me?! Do you remember Alex? How you beat me so bad my eyes were swollen shut for days. How i was unconscious on our kitchen floor for 2 days. How you stomped on my chest the next morning and broke 4 of my ribs because i physically couldnt get up and make you breakfast! How you made me clean ourhouse on my hands and knees because i was in too weak, in too much pain to stand!” Alex scoffed as Delaney sobbed. “You fucking deserved it! You were sleeping with Teller behind my back! you just wanted to get rid of me so you could be with him. you never paid me any attention and hung around him like a desperate whore. You think i dont remember those times i came to pick you up from work to see you flirting with him right infront of my face. Laughing and Giggling like a teenage school girl! You were practically begging for him!”
Grabbing hold of the chain Delaney was tied to he spun her around. Delaney knew what was coming next and couldnt help but squeeze her eyes shut in fear. “You didn't waste any time did you you bitch? you got his crow tattooed across your shoulders. Isn’t that how that sordid little club marks women as theirs?” Delaney stayed silent and hung her head as she felt Alex press the knife into the middle of her back where Jax’s initals sat underneath the black crow in flight that stretched across her upper back and shoulders. “Its not like that.” Delaney muttered as tears welled in her eyes. “Oh did he mark you as his then threw you away like the cheap little bitch you always have been? Poor Delaney, no one ever wanted you so you throw yourself at the first man that looks your way.” More tears fell from her eyes as she Shook her head, “You know NOTHING about him. He’s more of a man than you’ll EVER be. He’s a good person, Hes loyal and he would do anything for family. You? Youre a fucking coward.” Alex’s face was like thunder. Pulling the chain hard making her yelp in pain as she was quickly turned to face him he punched her in the face making her swing backwards. Feeling the blood run down her lips Delaney grinned as she met Alex’s brown eyes. “Point proven! You’ll put your hands on a woman but you’d never hit a man. As a Great friend of mine would say you’re a Slimy Wee Bastard.” Her heart clenched painfully as she thought of Chibs he was like a father to her and she wouldnt even get to say goodbye.
Back at the Club house the other members of SAMCRO couldnt hide their shock at the revelation that Delaney had Jax’s Crow. “You marked her?” Clay nearly exploded. “You marked her as shes not even your old lady?!” Gemma didnt even jumped to her sons defence as Clay shoved Jax hard. “Its not like that. It just happened!” Jax didnt bother trying to explain. There was so much more they didnt know about his and Delaneys relationship. “But what if she wants to be with another guy? Maybe another member?” Jax lunged for the prospect at the thought of his girl being with someone else. “O-or E-even a-another guy. J-just a normal regular guy?” Juice smacked Half sack around the head for his stupidity as Opie pulled Jax back from ripping the prospect apart. “Can we please focus on trying to find her? Every minute she’s with that psycho is another minute we are closer to him Killing her.” Gemma refocused everyones attention back on the screen trying to find anything that looked familiar in the room. The needed to work out where this Idiot would take her. Jax mentally made one promise as he watched Delaneys terrified eyes. Once he had her safe in his arms. There was no way he was ever letting her go.
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season 6 thoughts
hey quick question why the FUCK did you start with that
like on the one hand i’m glad that now i know what happened right after the end of “that’s too much man!”. on the other hand… ow
the mountain bojack climbs is called “metaphor mountain” God bless Lisa Hanawalt
i LOVE the way the episodes are framed… like you get one flashback to bojack drinking and you think that was the first time then it’s like NOPE he was even younger
CINDY CRAWFISH AKSHDJDSF
AND BABY BOJACK SNUGGLING UP TO HIS MOTHER… TRYING TO FEEL AN EMBRACE SHE WOULD NEVER GIVE… CATCH ME CRYING IN THE CLUB
WHO THE FUCK CAME UP WITH THIS NEW INTRO
AND THE WAY IT HAS ALL THOSE FLASHBACK SCENES BUT IT STILL ENDS WITH HIM FALLING INTO THE POOL AND DIANE AND PEANUTBUTTER CHECKING TO SEE IF HES OK AND THEN HES JSUT LOUNGING IN HIS APPLE SHORTS;;; it’s just,, he’s going back home in the end, going back to the place where he started, as if everything will go back to the way it was before and he’ll find himself stuck in the same cycles he tried so hard to escape… all im saying is, i dont think this season is gonna end well
and how it dwells on his past, everything he did wrong, all the most heartwrenching moments, and there aren’t any changes to the intro (as far as i could tell) until episode 8… nothing changes if all you do is look back.
I am LOVING the Mr. Peanutbutter we’re getting this season. I was never really attached to him before; it’s not that I hated him, just that I liked all the other main characters better. and now that they’ve had him do something really bad and reckon with that,, he’s plumbing new depths, exploring those dark places, questioning if he’s truly as happy as he says he is
and bonding with bojack??? who would have guessed
bojack keeps giving advice that is, at best, the kind he doesn’t follow himself, and at worst, bringing others down into the well of self-pity that he’s been stuck in the whole series
Someone give Princess Carolyn a break…
SHE NAMED HER DAUGHTER RUTHIE IM CRYING
Guy seems like a cool guy but I feel like they’re setting him up to seem nice so that it’s more surprising when it’s revealed he’s not. I’m probably being too suspicious, but also we don’t know much of the details about his divorce, do we? Lakeith Stanfield's great tho
EPISODE 4 WAS COMEDY GOLD
The return of Queefburglar69
I WANNA WRAP PICKLES UP IN A BLANKET LIKE A BURRITO AND TELL HER EVERYTHINGS OKAY
Oh man Pickles talking about how her subscribers will always be there for her… like… it’s not one person, it’s a cloud of people, the contents and shape of which changes, might even be completely different and unrecognizable from one year to the next, but they’re all still there as this nebulous support system. and it reminded me of what bojack said to young sarah lynn about how her fans are the only things she can count on
Todd is babey.
Also him wearing the ace colors under his hoodie!!
I knew Diane’s rationale for going to chicago was bullshit. she said it makes her feel good, but “it doesn’t matter where you are, it’s who you are,” and she still dwells on her bad feelings and hates herself just as much in chicago as she did in LA. moving somewhere else isn’t necessarily gonna change those tendencies, she has to work on it herself.
OH MAN AND WHEN BOJACK GETS DR CHAMP DRUNK AGAIN… THROWING THE BOTTLE OUT THE WINDOW WAS A WAY TO AVOID RUINING ANOTHER LIFE AND HE ENDS UP DOING THE EXACT THING HE HOPED HE WOULD NEVER DO AGAIN
was honestly kinda hoping that Dr Champ was just pretending he got drunk to show how bad bojack could get if he relapsed but at the end when he was like “stay…” that’s how i knew that shit was real.
todd is so fucking stupid i love him
ngl am kinda disappointed that todd’s confirmed white, cause i’ve kinda been picturing him as latino for a long time and i know rbw said he doesn’t want to alienate latino viewers who relate to todd. but it makes a lot of sense, cause he always gets away with stupid shit and gets to the top of things without even having to try just because he knows a guy. and maybe the reason he’s so positive all the time is because it’s so easy for him to be, he never has to worry about shit bc of the privilege his whiteness affords him. also I love that we got to learn more about his backstory
THE CONTRAST BTWN “all the shitty things I did that I can barely even remember because I was high or drunk or it was thirty years ago” and “I remember everything. I’m sober now.” !!!!!!!!!!!!!
sharona sounds like a cross btwn princess carolyn and margo martindale
I have… mixed feelings about the haircut
Oh man Mr. Peanutbutter had a moment… he finally got that crossover episode… I was kinda hoping for a joke that went “Mr. Peanutbutter and BoJack Horseman in the same room? What is this, Philbert?” or “What is this, a short-lived show on a streaming network that got canceled because the star got addicted to painkillers and strangled his costar in a drugged haze?” but this is SO MUCH BETTER. I've never seen him cry before and the way he reacts to himself crying suggests that maybe he’s never cried before at all, and that’s why he just keeps laughing, almost like it’s forced, cause this is supposed to be his happiest moment and it’s not supposed to make him so sad. fucking,, character development
and the cold open of ep 8… you can forgive yourself and move on from your past wrongs but it doesn’t erase the things you did, the effects they have on people, and the trauma they’ve suffered. and then like, how can you forgive yourself if they never forgive you? how do you maintain that balance? why should you move forward if they can’t?
its weird to have an episode consisting entirely of guest stars but it also illustrates the extensive world they’ve built and i applaud that… also where the fuck is ana spanakopita
GINA RETURNS!!! HELL YEAH
her quote about not wanting to be defined by what bojack did to her has always stuck with me, and i feel like now, that quote has sort of come true. like, her saying that made us avoid reducing her to what happened to her, and thats why i wanted to see her come back this season, hopefully moving past it. but she can’t. it traumatized her. and everyone can see the effects of it but she feels like she can’t come forward, cause if she does she’ll be punished. shit like that changes you.
and it’s another instance on the show where someone chooses to advance their career & preserve their reputation over doing the right thing (like what bojack does with herb & sharona), but bojack does it out of self-interest, and gina does it so she doesn’t have to relive her trauma every time she gets interviewed or recognized by a fan. but even when she keeps quiet about it she’s still reliving her trauma
noah fence but what a waste of the once-per-season fuck word. youre really gonna use it in an episode IN WHICH BOJACK DOES NOT EVEN APPEAR, and not only that, but RECYCLE AN OLD SENTENCE FROM A PREVIOUS EPISODE
netflix places no limits on a show’s use of the fuck word (i think), so… fingers crossed for something better in the second part?
OH MY GOD PETE REPEAT INTRODUCED HIMSELF AS PETER ITS ALMOST LIKE HES TRYING TO FORGET THAT TIME & THAT PERSON HE WAS (im probably reading into it too much, I’m sure it’s mostly so we wouldn’t figure out who it was immediately. maybe im just like the kid with the coffee cup.)
and just… ppl describe this show as “family guy or the simpsons except the protagonist faces consequences for his actions” but bojack has gotten away with everything.
you ever just like… you ever watch a scene and feel the cliffhanger vibes creeping up and you just know it’s gonna end there and leave you unsatisfied and begging for more but at the same time that’s what makes it such a good place to end it. that was me with this. (and also the ending of undone)
the thing about this show is, it illustrates what it’s like to be a toxic person. and sure, he has it hard, but the show never asserts that he has it any worse than his victims, even if bojack himself does so. and he only does it so he can feel better about himself. he deserves a reckoning, he needs to pay for his bad deeds. but then, when you know what made him this way and what goes on inside his mind and that he wants to get better, it makes you feel for him, and forces you to ask if he deserves to get better and forgive himself and move forward. but even if he does, it doesn’t change the things he did. it doesn’t fix the lives he’s ruined.
anyway sound off if you think bojack’s gonna die at the end. hopefully not by suicide
#long post#bojack horseman#diane nguyen#todd chavez#princess carolyn#mr. peanutbutter#pickles aplenty#pete repeat#bojack horseman season 6 spoilers#doctor champ#sarah lynn#gina cazador#horsin' around#mr. peanutbutter's house#netflix#raphael bob-waksberg#lisa hanawalt#phoebe talks#mine
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