#5-10 minutes late from 6:30 wherein he comes an hour late from 9 fucking 30
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im sorry i have to rant im so fucking pissed
my exams end on 19th and I have to get rid of some books and buy some books which are quite pricy online so I had planned on going to college street on 20th and selling my books and buying the new ones at a cheap price and i was frankly really excited about it because all I get is a one day break to relax bcz i have to start studying for entrances from 21st so all I have is 20th and i wanted to spend it at college street and then get some food and basically have like a solo date kind of thing.
and i was so so excited about it i told my boyfriend about it like 500 times bcz i kept forgetting i've already mentioned it and it was literally on my mind a lott so i kept bringing it up and ik it seems like not a big deal cz i can just sit at home and chill too but i literally do not get to go outside my house. like- the last time i went out was new years eve and after that the only time i've gone out is to school or to give my boards that is it. my mother has some weird like problem wiht me going out like even if i tell her that i just want to go to our terrace for 5 minutes just to get some fresh air she won't even allow that she'll be all suspicious and like sTaNd In ThE bAlCOnY aNd TaKe FrEsH aIr like she herself doesnt leave the house (and blames it on me and my brother ???? when have we ever stopped you bro, she said I HaVe To Be HeRe To KeEp An EyE like im 18 i dont need to be watched 24/7 stop blaming me for choices you put upon yourself) and i just feel so suffocated ALL THE TIME i feel so overstimulated and im so sick of rotting on my bed and i dont want to wait for some birthday party or friends meet up to be able to leave my goddamn house i just wanted to go and have a fun day and get me some books thats it.
anyway so initially the plan was that my mom would go along but something came up so she wanted to postpone it to 21st and i didn't want to bcz i'd already be missing 3 days bcz of my boyfriends birthday, holi and my brothers birthday (all of which are important and i dont want to miss which makes me the villain apparently bcz i should "adjust" and cancel my "parties" instead of trying to stick to my plan bcz that makes me too demanding and selfish apparently) so i suggested that ukw why dont u go do ur thing which came up and i'll go to college street by myself...which is when the solo date idea came which i had really wanted all along but didnt bring up bcz i knew she'd say no but now there's a valid reason for me to go alone so like, its a pretty easy fix i can just go alone but noooo. First of all,
I've been to college street multiple times before so its not like its an unknown area to me
im going by metro which is quite safe
im going when there is stark daylight and i will return home much much before it gets dark and im literally 18
she never lets me go anywhere alone, not even take ubers alone if i want to get back from somewhere my bf has to come drop me everytime and then go backwards to his house which is so so so stupid and i never get to go out alone unless accompanied by family or by a male friend, so obv when i said i'll go to college street alone she refused to let that happen and started screaming about how 'if its so important to go on 20th bcz u dont want to miss a day of studying then cancel ur 'parties' and study then' and i was like no its not about missing a day its just that there's a very easy and logical fix to this problem which is i go alone and its not inconveniencing anyone so why cant i just do that but she will not listen to that bcz im 'adamant' and 'everything has to be according to me' bcz i found a viable solution to the problem. so instead of letting me just go she was literally ready to pay much more money and buy the books online, like.....why cant i just go bro??? (and she keeps telling me im a waste of her money bcz i will amount to nothing in life and my education was a failed investment or wtv so like now why are u wasting more money??? im literally trying to save the money that u 'waste' on me so just let me ???)
anyway i called my dad last night and told him and he was super ok with the idea he said its a good idea that i go alone and that he would speak to her but then today when i asked her if dad spoke to her she said yes, we'll go on 20th and i was like .....we? so apparently she CANCELLED her previously immovable thing for which she wanted me to cancel my 'parties', she cancelled that and agreed to go with me on 20th just so that i dont get to go alone- like ???????????????? what is ur problemmmm
so obv i was super annoyed and i went on a whole ass rant about how i literally struggle to even cross roads bcz i dont know shit about basic travelling bcz all my life ive been in a car and its a running joke with all my guy friends that i 'cannot navigate' and 'dont know any places' and obv??? if im never allowed to go anywhere then how tf will i know the places- the only places i know is bcz recently i've been paying a lot of attention and asking my dad stuff about what roads to take to reach certain places and when i go out with my friends i kind of try and learn a bit but thats it i've only ever gone alone completely alone to two places which is my beauty parlour thats 5 minutes away from my house and one bazaar one time that was 2 bus stops away, thats it. thats my extent of public travelling alone. and now im supposed to go to a whole new STATE for college and i cant even call myself an auto without struggling. and like- is this not a basic life skill??? like ok yeah its not rocket science and i will probably figure it out even if i start later in life but why not now? most of my guy friends literally go everywhere alone, why not me? and my dad agreed with all of this but my mom was just like "you'll be in the hostel only, no need to go out of the campus" like ARE YOU FOR REAL????????? and she's like "if u want to learn skills learn how to cook" like ok yes i will also learn how to cook for sure but i wont have a fucking kitchen in the hostel but somehow cooking is an urgent skill i should learn but going places by myself is unimportant bcz i should just never? leave? the? hostel?
anyway after much screaming and shouting my dad gave up and just cut the call bcz he doesnt want to get into an argument with my mother and my mother was being all suspicious like why do u hAvE tO gO aLoNe AlL oF a SuDdEn even though i literally explained why i want to do this alone but she doesnt think thats valid. so she refuses to let me go and i asked her for one reason why i shouldnt cz usuallt its always "no u have exam what if smthn happens" but now i literally dont even have exam so whats ur excuse now? streets will always be unsafe forever so "what if smthn happens" is not a reason to never let me go out without a man so just gimme one reason and she couldnt give me a single reason she just said "i said no, thats it".
and now she's gone off about how im useless and blah blah and "high maintainance" bcz i want books and "everyone else (some pishi's son) just studies online" and so the whole option of college street is apparently now cancelled and she's trying to set up a whole ass kindle account (half the books i need arent even available as ebooks) just because i wanted to go by myself.
#in our house kids dont stay outside past 6:30pm'' but now all of a sudden its fine for my brother to play#till 10:30 at night#she literally stopped me permanently from going down in the evenings since i was in class 7-8#this is why ive never had any friends outside of school bcz she wouldnt let me leave ths fucking house#and now that my brother is in class 7#he's allowed to be out playing with his friends till 10 freaking 30#he comes home an hour late sometimes...45 minutes and almost always at least 30 minutes late at NIGHT and she says nothing except like#one sentence#yeah im only the villain i only keep u locke#up in the house its all my fault#this is just so damn unfair#like literally insulting#im not a child what is her problem#what sort of fucking solution is 'never leave the hostel' like ok even if i do that what happens then??? after i graduate?#i'll be a 24 year old who doesnt know shit about going from one place to another without a man present]#and then this woman preaches how she 'always raises her son and daughter equally' like srsly shut the fuck up#my whole life i've been told abar late?''#and for me bcz i would come home 5-10 minutes late nd i did it maybe once or twice she made me completely stop going down to play#5-10 minutes late from 6:30 wherein he comes an hour late from 9 fucking 30#and this sounds so stupid bcz im an 18 year old now and i dont give a fuck abt how long i got to play but its just unfair dude#with me it was always smthn or the other either exams or she gets miraculously sick every time i want to go out to play#im not even kidding she did a whole “i have fever and ur going to leave me like this and go play?” on me one time bcz i was adamant abt goi#after months of not being able to go bcz of exam or smthn or the other#she did not have any fever it was fucking bullshit#and how am i supposed to help with ur imaginary fever anyway im literally 12#its so fucking annoying man and then if i say anything at all she'll go on a tirade about how#like YOU DO THOUGH??????? im sorry ur feelings are hurt bcz i said you do smthn that u LITERALLY DO#istg not even 2 days ago she was having a fight with my dad abt how he should teach my brother to learn how to cycle so that he can go buy#groceries#i can cycle
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Be Calm
Archive of Our Own Link
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Archive Warning: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Category: Gen
Fandom: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Additional Tags:
Anxiety Attacks
Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Has Panic Attacks
Panic Attacks
Comfort/Angst
Hospitalization
It's just mention tho...
Summary: "He didn't have a bad day, honestly, if Virgil was true to himself what he had was a nice day. So why is he panicking?"
He didn't have a bad day, honestly, if Virgil was true to himself what he had was a nice day. Without too much to worry, he didn't sleep that much of course but that was already normal to him, as in the past week he slept 2 to 4 hours, if luck 6. Since he was always worried and on alert all the time, yet this day, although he only slept 5 hours and a half, he was fine. Getting up usually at noon he went to his bathroom to do his usual make-up, brush his teeth and make sure that his appearance was "adequate" like Logan said. Going to join others to eat lunch, even though he was going to take his breakfast, he never cared too much about what hour was and what type of food he should get.
Passing through his door, he could see the three doors closed, in front of his, was a golden crown in a red door, since he didn't hear any sound it was sure to ensure that Princey wasn't there. While on the same wall of his door, was white dots connected by lines showing constellations on the upper half wherein the lower half was easier to notice the black with dark blue colors on the door. As he didn't saw any door warning, it was sure to say that L wasn't there or just he wasn't doing anything that would be a bother if someone interrupts. And although Patton's room wasn't so far away, it was in diagonal of his, with cats and dogs draws, all over the light blue door he only needed the time to know that for sure the Father figure wouldn't be there. Looking to his door, he smirks it wasn't a plain color, since he did take time to paint that with shades of purple and black, yet it was more complex than Roman with his symbol in the middle.
In which he chuckles briefly, as he remembers when Creativity saw that, the other part wasn't so happy about, since it was more elaborate than his. Yet, Princey still wasn't able to stop to repaint or change his door, since he is always thinking or imagining something to a point where he probably forgot. At least is what Virgil thought.
Hearing a faint small laugh from downstair he remembers what he was supposed to do, as he closes his door and so starting to walk towards the kitchen, as soon as he turns the stairs he met eyes with Patton who smiles and nods. "Good morning kiddo, slept well?"
"Morning guys, and yeah." It was simple and upfront, as he enters the area to do a small sandwich and got some juice to him, sitting on the counter in a relaxed way as he looks to the three having a nice conversation, about the next project that Roman was working with.
"So, Doctor Gloom, what you think?" When the creativity side spoke calling him, Virgil snapped from his thought to answer, he honestly was just spacing out observing around, how that it seemed like Patton had cleaned the kitchen and that Logan stayed the morning watching something on the TV, as it was still on.
The anxious side did get himself on the chat as Princey repeated everything he had said yet it soon changed to him hear some complaints about how that sleeping schedule was unhealthy and would worsen his mental health, yet they soon give up since it would be of no use, as always. Although he did appreciate the concern and as always he passed his eyes over each of them before letting it fall on them.
"I know you all worry about it, but I'm fine. Honestly, I'm having a good week guys." He says as he returns to eat his sandwich.
"Well kiddo, if you say I will believe in you. But please, say to us if you need okay?" That was Patton to you always making sure everyone was fine, he thought, resting his eyes to observe the father figure. As always morality was smiling and soon enough he was changing the conversation to something lighter. "So what you all are doing today?"
He was glad that he wasn't the focus anymore, his lips turned in a small and yet nearly not notable curve before answering, he was having a really good day.
"I'm going to return to imagination and keep working on that project." Roman says in a grand gesture of his arms, although he wasn't late with his work, it didn't mean that he wanted to be nagged about it by Logan.
While Logan adjusted his glass on his nose, he was looking outside. "I guess, I will read outside. Virgil do you want to join?" That is something both shared, the appreciation of reading somewhere silent yet nice.
"Yeah, sounds nice." He didn't have anything planned so reading would be probably nice.
"Ooowh ~! So cute ~!" Patton was happy about it since he does like it when they are trying to bond or pass more time together, like a proud daddy. "How about I do something for you to eat later, Virgil?"
"Hm... Sure." That was something he got already used to, having the Father Figure to take care of him, making sure he was eating properly, that is the few things Anxiety couldn't say no.
---------
As he said, he had a nice and pleasant day, spent the time with Logan reading outside in pure silence, yet sometimes discussing what the Logic side was reading, as it helped to clear and of course to help look for another point of view. He had dinner with his family, where Roman talked with him for the entire meal, about the project, asking from his point of view. They all started to watch a movie at 10 pm, passed 30 minutes the three sides was sleeping on the couch. He went to his room since it would take him at least more 7 to 9 hours to him to feel sleepy. Yet...
It wouldn't take more than five minutes after he got inside his room, he started to shake, tears starting to threaten to fall. What the fuck? His mind was starting to fog, yet something shot him in realization, he was starting to panic. It would be fine IF it was his doing IF it was his mind, but it wasn't. Something felt wrong... Really wrong.
I need to call someone... I need... Not able to shake off the feeling, he could only open the door as quickly he could, not remembering to close it, not caring to close it. As he dashed towards downstairs, he could feel something wet trailing off his cheeks. Dammit... Tears, the next stage would be bad.
Yet he was there, without thinking that teleport would be faster, yet he soon was shaking Logan to wake him up. Where the logical side didn't take too long, yet it took him a couple of minutes to adjust his eyes to the faint light coming from the kitchen and to notice Virgil. "Virgil?" His voice sounded sleepy and a bit grog, yet soon realized what was happening when he heard the youngest side starting to hyperventilate. "Calm down. Can you do breathe exercise?"
A nod was everything he could do while he mimicked Logan's breathing, while neither of them lost contact with each other, the second eldest moved his hand to shake the side next to him. Which was Patton, who soon woke up, taking his glasses off to rub his eyes and to alert himself, as soon as he put on the glasses again, he could see what was happening. Better than anyone, the moral side just stayed quiet and calm, shaking Roman next to him, the creativity side wasn't that happy to wake up, grunting a bit.
Logan picked up Virgil's hand to pull to him sit down next to him, noticing that whatever was making him panic, the breathing exercise wasn't helping. "Virgil, can you talk?"
"I-I... Can't... B-Br-Breath..." His voice sounds raspy and broken, it was taking all over him to talk that.
"Right. Patton, can you try to calm him down? I will look at Thomas and see if I can figure it out." Logic watched the Morality side agreeing and soon sink out.
"Kiddo. Hey, Virgil!" He exclaimed, he felt bad for scaring the anxious side, yet it was enough to bring his attention to him. "I'm here okay? I will hug you. Just let go." Anxiety noded at that and soon he could feel the arms around him, crying out loud like a child. "Come on, breath with me." For more that wasn't working to calm down, at least was enough to help the hyperventilation.
"Roman." Patton could see Princey turning his head towards him. "Can you bring some blankets and put on some music?"
"Sure enough padre." He said as quietly as possible as he gets up and go fetch some blankets and put on some piano Disney songs. Passing the blankets around the both of them, he was worrying, it sure felt odd how Virgil was so... Weak on the other arm's. Sure they all helped the Anxious side in his panic attacks, but never went that long, normally a breathing exercise a couple of times was enough, yet right now? He was freaking out.
"Sh---" He was going to curse when he felt a tug on his hair, yet Patton's eyes over him reprimanded for that. "Logan is calling, I will see that okay?" He could see a nod before he sinks out.
There he could see Logan trying the same breathing exercise with Thomas. "What is happening?" Roman finally said, when Logic pointed towards the phone, he couldn't stop probably. As the fanciful side walked to get the phone.
[Mom 09:28 pm: Hey, I'm on your grandma.]
[Thomas 10:27 pm: Sorry, I was busy. What is happening?]
[Mom 10:34 pm: She will hospitalize tomorrow.]
[Thomas 10:35: What? But... What?]
So that is why Virgil was freaking out, wasn't his doing, it was Thomas who was freaking because of that news and it was affecting Virgil. Logan waved his hands to dismiss Roman where he promptly did since he could explain to Patton, trying with some success to calm him down after a few more seconds.
"Thomas? So do you want to see your grandma?" A nod, as Logan looked around. "Okay, do you want me to do a bag or something for you to stay there?" He shook his head. "Right, so let's pick up your phone, wallet, and call a uber okay?" A nod, as he did as Logan said, changing his clothes to a more casual, yet one he could go outside, picking up a mask and some tic tac. "Now, if you want to leave, you need to calm down your nerves okay? You can't go there like this."
He nodded again, keeping his breathing in check, and soon the fog from his minded passing. "Right, now let's call an uber."
In the mind palace, Virgil was still crying, now sobbing and shaking more violently as he was able to pull Thomas panic attack to him, yet of course, it would worsen his. "Roman, Oh! I know. Pick his phone up and big headphones!" It wouldn't take too long for the fanciful side return, and as gentle he could he put them on Virgil's ears.
Scrolling between Virgil's playlist he could find one called: "Urgency." that is weird, but he put it to play, Roman could see that it did him flinch from the realization of the song playing, yet it was starting to work, as his grips on Patton gets weaker and he closes his eyes. It would take a few minutes until they are sure and safe enough to Morality move from his spot, fixing the anxious side on the couch.
Where Roman put the purple side pillow under his head, Patton tugging the blanket around him, yet that night would be a hard one. With his hand, Creativity moved to sit on the couch next to Virgil, pulling a blanket so he won't feel cold, as the Father figure moved to make some coffee.
Logan stayed with Thomas until he was at his grandma's house, where there he left since he knew he would have all the support needed, returning to the mind palace he could see that Roman was awake with a mug in his hand watching some Disney movie. And Patton was at his side sleeping, while Virgil was sleeping on the couch, watching the Prince pause the movie, and changing to some piano music.
There they whispered so they won't wake up any of them, Roman explaining what happened there and Logan what happened in reality. Deciding that they would take turns in case Virgil needed them, where Creativity would be the first one to keep awake since he was the last to wake up.
Soon Logan sits in a comfortable dad chair to sleep a bit, looking towards the purple side one last time, till the thought sunk in.
First Virgil wasn't lying, he mental-healthy is getting better, even though Logan disagrees with his sleeping schedule.
Second Virgil was honestly opening up, as before he wouldn't wake them up when he had a panic attack, to seek help.
Third and probably most important. If it wasn't for Virgil, and all the trust they built together they would never found out that Thomas was so having a panic attack and hyperventilating.
Honestly, he was taking mental notes to slowly stop talking about the sleeping schedule of Virgil anymore. After all, it seems to him, that the youngest was honestly learning and adapting slowly to be better.
Notes:
A couple of warnings:
- This is my first fic on AO3.
- English is not my first language, my first language is Portuguese. If you see grammatic errors or some phrase felt "wrong" please let me know.
- This is based on what happened to me yesterday [2020/10/20], I thought that turning in a fic would help me not see as something bad and help me move on.
- Said that obviously, I don't know anything about Thoma's life and neither about his family.
- It's possible that it won't be clear which character POV is, but pretty much on the start is Virgil POV, then it changes from to others sides.
Hope you liked ~! Although I'm not confident enough about characterization, I hope it turned okay? If you think I need to improve in something please comment on it and I will learn from that.
Thank you very much for reading and have a nice day.
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