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unabashegirl · 10 months

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Enticing 27 (HS)

Summary: Harry is a young billionaire and CEO of his own company. He mostly keeps to himself, he is stern and very meticulous when it comes to business. He also likes to keep his personal life very private for the sake of his newly born son Oliver Styles. It isn't until he meets Y/N Y/L/N that everything changes. She becomes his new nanny after his previous one quits due to personal reasons. She is young, caring, and sweet. Will they ignore their feelings? Will Harry's girlfriend accept their love and leave them? Will she be able to cope with his busy agenda? What about Oliver's mother? Where is she? Who is she?

—all chapters of Enticing —

Author’s note: Hello everyone, I know that last chapter I dropped a huge bomb on everyone, and things are just going to continue getting crazier. Anyway, here is another chapter. Please enjoy!

word count 1.9K

“There is no way,” she said to Patrick as she struggled to pull her phone out of her back pocket. “How?” Y/N whispered to herself, and she looked for the app that she used to track her cycle. Her mind trying to remember the last time she had slept with Harry and if they had used a condom. More importantly, she couldn’t remember if she had taken her pill that night. She usually took it after dinner around eight, but they had been so drunk that night.

“When a man and a woman—”

“Shut up, Patrick!” Y/N didn’t need his dry humor at the time. Her mind was cloudy and heard her heartbeat like a drum in her chest. She ran her hands across her face as she no longer left her legs and could only hear her own heartbeat.

“Breath, Y/N” Patrick tried to call her down, seeing that her face had gone pale, and she could barely hold her torso up. “Look at me” He commanded her, “breath just like me”.

“I- I can’t be pregnant,” She said in between heavy breaths, “there is no way. I've always been so careful.” It was as if she was trying to convince herself. No one could deny that she had always been exceptionally careful to drink her pill ever since her mother had put her on it. “I might not be pregnant. My gynecologist always said I would have trouble getting pregnant if I ever wanted to have kids.” It had hurt her to hear it, but she had accepted it. She reminded herself that the doctor had said trouble and not can’t.

“You know what you need to do.” Patrick said, “You need to take a test”.

“What if I am?” She covered her mouth, still shocked that it could be a possibility, “What am I going to do? I am not ready to be a mom! I don’t even have a job!” She explained.

“You are making assumptions based on nothing. First things first let’s go buy you a pregnancy test” Patrick got off the bench, determined to help her best friend figure out her future. He knew that if Y/N were pregnant and decided to have the baby, she would need to contact Harry. Patrick also knew that it wasn’t going to be easy, convincing her to tell him.

They crossed the street to a pharmacy, Y/N walked past the pregnancy test aisle and stopped before it. She stared at the army of them, and she still couldn’t process it all. She decided to buy blue ones that were digital.

“You should take another” Patrick suggested, after he had picked a bunch of snacks and drinks for the night. He knew it was going to be a long one. “In case that one it’s defective”. So, Y/N takes another one with a different mechanism for an answer.

“Patrick,” she said after they had paid and were on their way to the apartment. “I can’t raise a baby on my own.” Patrick hooked arms with her and kissed her head.

“You are not alone” he insisted, “I know you feel very alone because of everything that has happened with Harry, but you still got people around you. Plus, I am sure that Harry wouldn’t let you raise him on your own. He seems like a responsible father”.

Y/N didn’t say anything else until they were back in the warmth of their apartment. She was too busy thinking about Harry’s reaction. Oliver hadn’t even turned a year. He couldn’t possibly want another baby, especially after everything they had said to one another.

Patrick played some music and took all the snacks and placed them on the coffee table. He wanted to set the scene and wanted it to be the least stress-free possible. He was also nervous for her. Patrick had always heard her life plans and none of them involved an unwanted pregnancy. He was also sure that Y/N wouldn’t have the heart to go through an abortion. A guilty conscience would eat her away. It was just the way that she was wired especially after spending so much time with kids.

“Ready?” He asked her as she plopped down on the couch. “To pee on the stick?” he clarified.

“My bladder isn’t full” she pouted, “What are we doing?!”.

“I don’t even know” Patrick exhaled, “But here. Drink up” he handed her a large fruit punch Gatorade.

“Why do I feel like you want me to actually be pregnant?” Y/N asked she took the cap off the drink.

“Because I think you will be a wonderful mother if you are pregnant.” She smiled at her best friend and started to chug the Gatorade. It was actually quite nice. After all the nausea that she had been experiencing, it was very hydrating.

Halfway through drinking it, she left the need to go.

“Here” Patrick handed her the test and allowed her to do her business in the bathroom. After she peed successfully on the stick she paced on the counter after covering it with some paper towels.

“Set a timer for three minutes,” Y/N said as she walked out of the bathroom. Patrick nodded and diligently placed a timer on her phone.

They only needed to wait three minutes, but it felt eternal. Y/N started walking across the room trying to make the time go faster. On the other hand, Patrick just started shoving chips into his mouth, wanting to bite into something crunchy. It was quiet in the room aside from the chips and the soft music playing in the background.

The phone ringing startled them both out of their daze.

“I don't want to look” She confessed as she walked up to the bathroom and exited right back around.

“Do you want me to check for you?” He offered even though his hands were shaking, and he knew he would probably read it wrong and drop it a few times.

“No. This is something I should do” Y/N nodded and took two deep breaths before going to pick it up. Patrick waited for a few minutes for her reaction, but it never came.

“So?” He yelled from the living room, but once again it was dead quiet. So, Patrick pushed the bag of chips off his legs and got up. She was starting there looking at the test over and over again.

Patrick looked over his shoulder and gasped, couldn’t believe his eyes. In his defense, he had never seen a positive test before. It read ‘PREGNANT’ and under said 1–2 weeks.

“Holy shit,” he said under his breath as he wrapped his arms around her front behind.

“Holy shit,” she said too.

Life after Y/N had left a sour taste in his mouth. It had been incredibly hard for everyone in the house.

Harry hadn’t been able to provide the comfort that Y/N gave Oliver, and he had been sleeping horribly since that night. The first few nights Harry had come close to start crying with him. It broke his heart to see his son so distraught about losing his favorite person. Sometimes, he felt like Oliver was more her son than his because he certainly preferred her over him. Things eventually got easier; Harry made sure to follow his schedule, handwritten by Y/N that was posted on the fridge.

However, even if Oliver started adapting to her absence from Harry things got worse. The void that Y/N had felt in his life was more than noticeable. He would lay in bed and turn to his side and could only remember how she would shuffle her body closer to his in search of heat in the middle of the night. He hated waking up to an empty bed. The apartment was cold and lifeless.

“Mr. Styles?” Andrew said as he entered his office with a tray with his favorite breakfast. Harry held his head with his hands, while his elbows rested on his desk. He exhaled loudly and pulled his head up. “How about some breakfast?”

“Thank you, Andrew,” he said to him as he placed the tray on his desk. He wasn’t hungry, but he knew that Andrew was just trying to lift his mood a little. He had never seen him so heartbroken and even though Andrew hadn’t seen him shed a tear, he could tell that he was going through a rough moment. The bag under his eyes, the loss of appetite, the long hours working, and the fact that his suits were hanging off him since he had stopped going to the gym because of lack of energy.

“If you don’t mind me, speaking out of topic here” he carefully said, “perhaps you should give her a call? Or reach out to her? And she is just waiting for you.” Harry pursed his lips and Andrew thought that he was going to yell at him or fire him. He had been very on edge ever since they returned from Italy for obvious reasons.

“I’ve already called her, Andrew. Unfortunately, it seems like she had blocked me from reaching her which only means she wants nothing to do with me.” Harry attempted to call her the next day after their breakup. He wanted to talk to her and apologize for asking like a maniac, but the call never went through. Harry went through Instagram, but he was blocked there too, and on every social media. So, he recurred to an email even though he knew that she never checked them.

Andrew frowned and couldn't believe the extent that Y/N had gone to shut him out of her life. He personally didn’t know what he had done to anger her in that way, so he couldn’t speculate. He just couldn’t believe that the love that they had for one another had banished so quickly and so easily. Andrew was just sure of one thing and that was that Harry loved her endlessly and that he would forgive him in a heartbeat.

It was the next morning after Y/N had found out that she was pregnant when she received an email to her work email. The email had woken her up from her slumber. Patrick had decided to take a personal day, to take care of Y/N since he knew that she was struggling emotionally. And luckily, he stayed because the email that she had just received destabilized her emotionally.

“What happened?” Patrick ran to her room as she heard her sobbing uncontrollably.

Y/N handed him her phone, showing her an email that the nanny agency had sent her after she had applied to another family.

“Dear Ms. Y/L/N, thank you for submitting your interest in working for the Sinclair family. Unfortunately, we won’t be able to give you this job or any other job of this kind in the upcoming future. It has come to our attention that you have had an interpersonal relationship with the father of the last family assigned. May we remind you that it’s a violation of the code of conduct of our employees and therefore we will be terminating your contract with our agency. We wish you the best.”

“What have I gotten myself into Patrick?” She sobbed as the tears streamed down her face...

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ambassadorarlert · 1 month

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Okay Kels, top 10 witchy tip and tricks… Go!

✨ yuhhh get into itttt ✨

warnings: talking about spirituality and witchcraft

if you’re brand new, haven’t done anything witchy ever in your life, first:

- don’t call yourself a “baby witch.” don’t infantilize yourself. you’re a bad bitch whether it’s your first day or 20384729483 day practicing. stand up. 🤨

- intentions are everything but don’t just jam shit into a cauldron and hope for the best. take the time to learn what things mean. colors, crystals, herbs. don’t overthink it, but acknowledging what your materials are used for will help you in the long run.

- your practice is your own. you can do whatever you want within reason. be careful not to appropriate.

- start a journal or document what you’ve learned. there’s no way you’re gonna be able to memorize everything, and you can easily look back for references.

- for the love of all the gods, practice fire safety. if your spell calls for you to burn something, do it outside in a fire safe container.

- start small. don’t start with jinxes/hexes/curses, you’ll hurt yourself and somebody else. start by doing mild shadow work, protection rituals, or some meditation.

- when you’re meditating, don’t try to silence your thoughts. listen to yourself.

here’s some personal things that i do:

- paying attention to the moon. track her phases and cycles. look at her when you can and say hi. i use apps to make widgets to keep up with the moon phases. knowing what phase the moon is in will explain a lot of weird shit.

- black salt in everything and everywhere. mix normal table salt and ashes from your incense, sprinkle it in every possible entrance/exit. doorframes, windows even under your doormat. Salt and smoke is very cleansing and purifying. it’ll protect your home/space from negative energies that may pass through.

- inexpensive doesn’t mean ‘cheap.’ you don’t need a whole bunch of fancy materials and herbs and oils and shit. you can go to any store and raid their herbs and spice section for a reasonable price. some things even come in bulk, like cinnamon sticks or bay leaves.

- using sigils. they can be time consuming but since it’s something you made, it can be more powerful. or, you can look up runes to correspond with your purpose.

- make a connection with your tarot/oracle cards. when you buy a new deck of tarot cards or oracle cards, bind them to you by carrying them on your person for about a week. or, you can put the pack under your pillow at night and sleep with it.

- don’t place items on the altar if they’re not being presented as an offering. it’s a simple rule and i find it rlly disrespectful bc my altar isn’t a side table to put things random things on. would you walk into a church and set your purse directly on top of their sacred textbook? probably not.

- keeping multiple brooms. use your inside broom to sweep your floors. use an outside broom to clear any porches, steps, and sidewalks from physical and spiritual debris. if you have a visitor that’s overstaying, or if you just want somebody to leave, turn your designated inside broom upside down so the bristles point to the ceiling and say nothing. they’ll leave within 10-15 minutes. (if you have a witchy friend, keep the broom out of your companies line of sight, they might peep that you’re kicking them out. 👀)

- another thing about tarot: the moon in reverse is never a good sign. it usually means that there’s someone within your circle that’s trying to cause you harm.

- hyper fixating on a particular crystals is a big indicator that a something is misaligned. look up the properties of whatever crystal you’re attracted to, because it usually is something you are needing the most. i had a phase where i was buying a LOT of carnelian— specifically red. what i really needed was a way to combat how sluggish and drained i was in that period of my life.

- understand your natal chart and know the signs of other people. I love astrology and i’m studying it a lot more and am learning just how important it is. right now i’m really trying to hone in on my Libra rising and Venus placements. ik ppl cringe at the “astrology girls” asking what ppls signs are or what times ppl were born. astrology plays a hand in all of our relationships. if you want to rlly get an understanding on why someone acts Like That, look up their Moon, Rising, and Mercury placements. If you want to see if someone is an ideal companion for you, look at their Venus placement.

lastly and most importantly remember that all the power you want and need already exists within you. reaching elbow deep and bringing the divine out of you is not an easy or clean journey but it’s worth it. I hope this helped 🖤✨

#this goes way over 10 but i have a lot to say #answered #kelsey’s cauldron #witchcraft #witchblr #witch blog #witch community #pagan witch

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lilyfreshwater · 11 months

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hiii i noticed in one of your posts you mentioned that you were premed and i wanted to ask you for some advice!! im an incoming premed freshman (majoring in biochem but im debating on switching to neuro) and im kinda nervous lol. do you have any tips on how to stay on top of things and balance classes with clinical work and research? thank u <3

omg omg omg IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS OPPORTUNITY ok so i have a ton of advice but i'll try to be brief

1) im putting this paragraph first because this is the most important advice i can give you. like seriously if you listen to nothing else listen to this:

you can't know everything

this isn't high school where you just have to memorize where the 50 states are on a map. this is college where you have to know the entire krebs cycle after it's only been explained once and that's like only 10% of the info on the exam. so the best thing you can do for yourself is accept when you've hit a plateau and move onto something else. for example, say you've got a bio exam and a psych exam coming up. it takes you 20 hours of genuine study time to master 93% of the the material in bio. it would take another 20 for you to get to 95%. but with that other 20 hours, you could master 96% of the material for psych. your brain wants to say "well i'll just spend 60 hours studying then" but believe me i know from experience that you can't do that without serious harm to you mental and physical health. it's so so SO much better to study the 40 hours and accept a 93 on bio and a 96 in psych. and then you can use the extra 20 to get more sleep, hang out with friends, volunteer, work in a research lab, or he'll study for another subject. you will love college and being a premed so much more if you do that

2) im a neuro major so ur an anon after my own heart. idk what the major is like at ur school but at mine it's really flexible and has a lot of cool opportunities attached to it so i would definitely reccomend it. the cool thing is tho you're just starting out so, provided you don't have to swap to a different school (engineering, arts and sciences, etc.), then you can definitely take time to figure out what you want. i came into college wanting to do neuro and bio double, switched to a single major in a completely different area, and then added on a neuro major recently so the most important thing at this point is to keep your options open

3) time management depends a lot on the school you attend. i attend a fairly good university, so i spend a shit ton of time studying and don't have as much time left over for volunteering/research. luckily med schools generally account for that stuff, so just keep that in mind if you're getting a little bit of imposter syndrome. anyway, the best advice i can give you right now is to just get involved. don't assume that because you're a freshman that people won't value your input or enthusiasm

4) organization is your best friend. i use an app/website called "my study life" to track my homework and classes and have found it to be super helpful, but there are tons of other homework apps out there. it's also worth having an up to date calendar for any non-curricular things you need to keep track of, like volunteering. i just use the reminders app and make sure it's synced across my devices. you can't manage your time if you don't know what assignments you have to do or what you have scheduled that day

5) keep your priorities straight. what matters most to you will change from month to month, so making sure you're confident in what you're prioritizing and why is huge. for example, say you have finals in 4 weeks. if you want to start studying 2 weeks prior to your exams, put in extra effort and time with your research/volunteering in the 2 weeks prior to that and make sure your supervisors/primary investigators know that you won't be able to dedicate as much time during finals. you should still keep up with your responsibilities, but you need to dedicate the majority of your energy to finals because unfortunately grades do matter here.

6) it's ok to take breaks, it's ok to take a lighter semester, it's ok to hang out with friends, and it's ok to fuck up. everyone has to figure this shit out and there will be lots of things that look like failures but are actually blessings in disguise. for example: i got a C+ in gen chen and a B in bio my freshman year. some people would have retaken the class but i kept going, and in the process i learned a lot about myself and my study habits. i also learned that the purpose of weed out classes isn't to sort out the students who don't do well in classes, it's to sort out the people who will stop after failure. so i took that C+, new study habits, and new perspectives with me through my other tough science classes during my next two years and turned my grades around. now what started as a "death sentence" for most pre meds is an awesome cinderella story of perseverance that i can reflect on during my application cycle (all of those skills will also help me in med school too!)

i hope this was helpful and if you want anymore advice my inbox/dms are always open!

#ask

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having-gude-times · 1 year

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internet addiction and coping with it

Hey all, probably the only post I'll ever make on here, since I'm just here to keep track of friends.

Anyways, something that I wanted to share was how I coped with my internet/electronics addiction. I'm putting this out into the void, I know, but maybe someone who has this too will find this? Also disclaimer, english isn't my first language, so some things may be worded weirdly. Sorry!

For the longest time, I've struggled a lot with being online. It was a coping mechanism, giving me a small respite from everything that plagued me in real life. It was fun, at first, finding all these different things and websites and making new friends and connecting! But as time went on, it became a second source of anxiety and depression that became both better and worse as I stayed online.

I'm not an expert in either science or medicine, but the internet (and to some extent, electronics in general. I'm talking phones, computers, consoles, TV, etc.) is addictive because of these constant dopamine rushes, and without those dopamine rushes, everything else seems bleak. Similiar to some drugs, I'd say, but far less physically dangerous ofc (though the mental is still harmed). News cycles and social media thrive on outrage and giving strong emotional reactions, which is definitely not good for the human psyche.

Like any other addiction (or at least, most), the best way is to just go cold turkey. It's what worked for me, and that's how I'm doing so much better mentally than just a few years ago. Deleted every account I had, uninstalled every game and app, even put my phone on simple mode so that I'd only have access to the bare necessities.

It was hard at first, but it got better within just a week already! Coping with this stop is the most important, and I'll just share my method down below. It doesn't work for everyone, you may need to adapt some things so that it fits your life, but some friends have told me they're overall good tips.

Delete every social media. the most obvious one, I know, but that first step is the most important.

Set yourself a daily timer (10 minutes for me) for essential online activities, like checking emails and the sort. Browser extensions are good for keeping track of that.

If you're a gamer, try only keeping the most essential games, though be wary because this can quickly turn into a gaming addiction!

Get a manual hobby. Doing things with your hands is important! Just like you would with children, spending time on doing things with your own hands helps recalibrate your brain and dopamine. Into edits and pinterest boards? Do collages, scrapbooking, journaling! Cut up magazines and journals, get some cute stickers (and while it's redundant, scour online for images) and get to cutting and having fun. Into writing? Write down things in a notebook! Embroidery, knitting and crocheting are good for keeping yourself focused. Pop on some music and relax. Learn how to cook or bake! Keeping your brain and hands busy are essential for getting rid of that addiction.

Join a social program or volunteer! In my town, I can either keep company to the elderly or help autistic children socialise at their own pace. Programs like these are essential for filling that connection aspect of social media that you've now cut off, and the elderly always have the most fascinating things to say.

Then, hopefully, you'll be happier. Maybe you'll be like me, and make just one single account to see what's going on. And maybe you'll be stronger, and ditch forever the internet. Even if you relapse, it's no use villainising yourself. Simply get back on track as soon as you can, because beating yourself down won't help you.

I only come online about once a month, so if you have any questions or dms for me, feel free to hit me up, but it'll take a while for me to get back to you!

If you have an internet addiction, hang in there. These steps seem drastic, but they're essential to stop yourself from staying in a painful loop.

#internet #internet addiction #addiction #recovery #internet safety #addiction help #addiction recovery #online #online help

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dionysianfreak · 3 years

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some spicy things I do in my practice because of ADHD

given that it's literally my brain, adhd takes over a lot of things in my life. it finds a way to wiggle into everything I do in both bad and good ways. it's just how it is being neurodivergent and it's just how life goes for me, but that doesn't mean it doesn't aid me in many ways. growing up we aren't taught about mental divergency. we're taught the abled and neurotypical way and that's it, but in truth neurodivergent people only struggle due to not having the resources to do things the way that'll let them work efficiently. so here is a list of ways my personal adhd effects my pagan practice and ways I incorporate it into my worship !

stimming

stimming ! i stim a LOT and sometimes, if the emotion I feel is strong enough, they turn to uncontrollable tics. this also means that when during things like rituals, I'll have to pause so I don't tic and ruin something. this is totally normal and okay ! I've never once had a problem with it, and the Gods just patiently waited for it to pass as it always does. we both know it's just something that happens and it's apart of me, it isn't something to be ashamed of or hide.

accepting stimming once I was diagnosed was also something I did as a devotional act to Dionysos ! instead of trying to mask or push down the urge to stim, I'd allow myself to just let it out. my stims vary between very overt to covert, and accepting the overt ones as normal was a feat worthy of devotion imo. you can also keep stim toys on your altar when you're not using them, if you wanted to.

time and schedules

consistent worship ????? never heard of her. same goes for offerings. sometimes I give 294894 offerings in a day and sometimes I've given one offering in a week, it just depends on my ever changing behavior. there's no need to be stuck on a schedule if you don't want to or even make one to begin with. when I first started out, I asked Hermès, Apollon, and Dionysos (who I worshipped at the time) if I should make a schedule and the no was so hard I haven't asked since. my worship is a part of my daily life, as just like I don't drive places every day I don't worship every day. both are still important in my life regardless if I'm actively doing it or not. if you stuggle with consistency, I urge you to speak with the Gods you worship and see if making things more fluid would help !

hyperfixation is also a pain in the ass sometimes, especially when it becomes something other than paganism. due to the free nature of my practice and that I've chosen to devote, it sometimes translates into "well I don't haveeee to do this" and suddenly poof, all the motivation is gone. it's VERY hard to come back when your brain is so wired on something else entirely, and I understand the feeling. during these times I personally do very small things to keep up. if I make dinner for myself, I'll offer a portion and eat with the Gods just to show that I'm participating even when I'm struggling to. the small things count.

RSD - Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

my RSD is crippling in my life, and it's reach extends to paganism sometimes as well (if you're unaware, RSD is the extreme sensitivity to perceived rejection in any form). sometimes during readings I receive a card that I believe is saying something "negative". sometimes it's criticism, sometimes advice, sometimes it's a slap on the wrist, but no matter what it is in reality I'm at the mercy of my brain to interpret it. so this has lead to meltdowns, long depressive/anxious episodes, and crying fests when I think a deity is angry with me. it has gotten so bad before that delusions have appeared and made me believe false memories or feelings of hatred from the Gods.

it's so hard and I'm so sorry if anyone else has to deal with it. to help with this, I have to fight to remind myself that advice is not an attack. the Gods are trying to help me and, even if They were angry at me, I've made mistakes before and They've allowed me to grow from them. i also have a checklist of questions I ask myself to allow logic and reality back into my head. a few questions include "have i done anything recently that's worthy of anger from a God ?", "is this something that will last forever ?", and "is this a message that has something to teach me ?".

impulsiveness

ask most people with ADHD about being impulsive and you'll probably receive a nervous side glace. we're impulsive often, which can do a multitude of things in paganism. one, starting a devoting and never finishing it. i am SO guilty of this one, and it make me feel bad even now. i have plenty up unfinished plans, drawings, and other devotional items that look around and guilt me. I've been in this cycle for a year and I don't think I'll ever grow out of it, but from what I've noticed the Gods don't mind. doing some of a devotion is a wonderful feat, and the energy that took is a wonderful offering even if you don't finish it.

I'm sure other adhd people and probably some autistic people have been in the position of "I just discovered this new Deity and oh my god I NEED to worship them RIGHT NOW or I'll DIE". They're just SO COOL and you automatically feel a connection. then three weeks later you feel demotivated to worship Them and now you feel terrible about it. don't worry, me too. to help with this nowadays I personally honor for a bit then worship if the worship relationship doesn't involve any help between us. this is what I did with Pan, and it worked VERY well for me. i recognized our connection but I didn't feel the pressure to consistently worship Him.

back to the start of the second paragraph, if you're stuck in that situation just communicate with the Deity. it can be hard to admit you're wrong, especially with adhd. however, just sitting down and calling to Them to let them know how you feel and that you think you made a mistake is a huge communicative step !

demotivation

this. one. sucks. inbetween hyperfixations, being stressed out or anxious, going through a depressive episode, and more can cause very deep demotivation and loss of energy in people with ADHD and other disorders. sometimes I'll just lay in my floor with my headphones on for hours because I literally can't find the energy to get up. a lot of people worry that this directly conflicts with Paganism and would slow progress. i understand why it seems that way, especially since adhd is a very "GO FAST, DO THIS THING N O W" disorder. there's actually a few solutions here I can think of

devote your personal healing to the Gods as this can give your brain a "reward" and can help you personally feel better in many ways. after weeks without a shower, devote a bath to a Deity or maybe eat breakfast at Their altar if you haven't been eating much. allow Them to be your motivation

take a break entirely. paganism certrainly isn't a 24/7/365 commitment and your practice molds to your needs. if you're just absolutely knocked out and need rest, take a break. I've taken MANY breaks before. I've been forced on breaks too because the Gods noticed my mental health declining before I did. never feel ashamed for needing time for yourself

do multiple small things rather than big things. a little bit of your dinner when you eat, redecorate Their altar or space, listen to music that reminds you of Them, think of Them when you're out and about in case you see something. you can weave devotion into daily acts in order to reinforce mundane things you need to do and calm your mind about paganism.

and finally, miscellaneous list of other things I do that are too small for their own section.

if you need to keep track of divination readings, no need to write down every reading you've ever had in detail. you can voice record them as you go, take photos of the cards, or use apps like Labyrinthos that can act as a tarot log.

your altar doesn't need to look perfect, it should reflect your worship and your devotion to a Deity. this means if your altar looks like a mess, as mine ALWAYS do, it's perfectly okay ! clutter aesthetic altars are the most beautiful altars in my eyes, and they're so worthy of adoration. I've never once heard of a Deity disliking an altar, They appreciate our work to put in a space just for Them. let your altar look messy and wild as you want, altars don't need to be aesthetic or color coordinated

you see everywhere that many of us are devoted to one deity in particular or multiple, I fit in here too. i just wanted to say that you never have to devote to any Deity if you don't want to. you could worship when you need help from a specific Deity or worship a different deity every month. never feel like you have to tie yourself down just because other people feel comfortable doing so.

you don't have to celebrate every festival. it's okay to skip celebrations that don't really apply to you or are at an inconvenient time ! you could also reschedule if you find yourself wanting to celebrate but burnt out or busy.

#hellenism #pagan #Paganism #hellenic #hellenic worship #hellenic pagan #hellenistic polytheism #polytheist #polytheism #greek gods #deity #greek paganism #adhd #neurodivergent #neurodivergent pagan #tips and tricks

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wanna-do-bad-things · 4 years

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Expecting.

Summary: Tired of dating for nothing, Henry laid everything out for her on that very first date. But when he gets everything he hoped for, there’s one thing left that he really wants.

Word count: 1683

Warnings: trying to get pregnant (no heartbreak tho, it just takes a lil time), fluffy baby daddy Henry

A/N: this was for @henrythickcavill, requested via my patreon.

________

Henry has been on cloud nine ever since she told him she was pregnant. Tired and mentally exhausted trying to find the right person, Henry had all but given up. It’s not that he was actively looking for a girlfriend, or wife in his case, but he did hope that when the right person came along, he’d just know. He’d feel it in his bones. He didn’t think it would happen like it does in the movies, where everything aligns, everything tastes better, music sounds better and he can breathe like he’s never breathed before. But he thought he’d feel something different.

She didn’t breeze into his life. She didn’t make him understand now why everything else hadn’t worked out. But what she did do was make him wonder how the hell he’d managed to feel so complete before when he felt bursting at the seams when he was around her. He’d laid it all on the table on their first date.

“I know this is a little full on, but I’m going to be honest with you. I can’t keep doing meaningless dates. If you’re not looking for something serious, something long term and possibly the end goal, then this date isn’t going to go far. You can leave, I’ll still pay for the bill, but I won’t hold it against you. I understand not everyone will be on the same page.”

Instead of pushing her chair back, grabbing her coat and bag and walking out of the restaurant, she pulled her chair a little closer, poured them both a drink and said, “so what colour theme are we having at the wedding and how many children are we having?”

She took an open interest in what he had to say, she challenged him on a few of his viewpoints just for a good conversation piece. They shared many of the same opinions and differed on a handful but nothing deal breaking or something that neither could get past. Henry understood that not everyone was the same and listening to her speak was amazing. He adored that they were on the same page when it came to values and their life.

As the weeks and months went on, he tried to trip her up. Tried to catch her out and see if she was just spoon feeding him everything he wanted to hear but no, it continued to flow almost perfectly. Henry took her on several vacations per year, she joined him on set, rode him when he needed his stress relieving and helped him with his lines. She was by no means a good actress, but she would try to put her feelings into it, try to give the script some sort of justice and helped Henry when he needed it.

They married three years later, with her joking that Henry would rush her down the aisle just so he could get straight to the baby making part of marriage. But it didn’t happen as quickly as either of them hoped. She came off her birth control and though they’d lose themselves within the sheets (or on the counter tops, table, against the hallway wall, the sofa, his gaming chair…just anywhere which could hold their weight,) as often as possible without wanting to take the fun out of sex and just have it for the sake of having a baby, pregnancy just wasn’t as easy to happen as they’d thought.

A year and half into their marriage, she’d began to draw up schedules, bought thermometers to check her temperature and downloaded several “trying to get pregnant” apps. She tracked her cycles, found the optimum times for having sex and had started to pitch it all to Henry when she realised she was two weeks late.

He’d sat there before her, waiting for her to reach the main part of her big presentation of why looking at their baby making schedule would be most effective when he’d watched the blood drain from her face and her scramble out of the room, roughly slamming the bathroom door closed and lock it before he’d been able to fully understand what had just happened. He’d heard things dropping onto the floor, things being torn open and as he’d stood nervously on the other side of the bathroom door, his hand on the wooden surface, listening carefully for anything which could give him an idea of what had happened, he’d finally heard the little sob that came from her.

“Are you ok?” He’d asked softly, not wanting to refer to her by any pet names, instead addressing her by her name. She hadn’t replied for a moment or two, just the sound of her soft cries filling the room in which he couldn’t access until she’d finally slid the lock open and he found her sitting on the floor, surrounded by torn open pregnancy test boxes and four tests sitting in front of her, letters boasting PREGNANT 4+ WEEKS on each of them.

Henry hadn’t wanted to go too crazy. He’d wanted this for too long and didn’t want to curse anything by purchasing anything too early. He’d gripped her hand, their fingers locked together, tears falling from his eyes as he’d pressed their hands to his lips as his eyes had remained fixated on the screen during her scan, watching as their two babies wriggled around for them. Watching as their tiny limbs stretched out and they flipped themselves around in their little bubble of comfort.

With each passing week, Henry ensured that he took care of any of the big jobs, needing her to take it as easily as possible. She hadn’t wanted to completely give up their workouts, and he’d make sure that he was there to observe each one, with a personalised plan specifically for pregnancy. They scoured the websites for the perfect nursery set up. With the babies genders remaining a secret, pots of neutral paint sits in the room. Dust sheets are down ready to catch any splatters of paint which hadn’t made it onto the walls. Tins of light colours are waiting to be applied and Henry has changed into his “DIY” clothes which are sweatpants and a loose, though still fitted for him, cotton tee shirt.

Most of the walls will be a pale grey to match the carpet, but there’ll be soft mint greens, duck egg blues, pale yellows scattered around the room in forms of cuddle bears, artwork and books that he wants to read to them. Two rocking chairs have been placed, and tested, and he already looks forward to sitting in them while reading to the two of them as they have their feed, much like he’s already done with her sitting beside him, their joined hands pressed to her large bump as he’d read some of his favourite childhood stories to them so that they would already recognise his voice. She’s due in one months’ time, and only now does he feel confident enough to begin to paint and assemble everything he’d bought.

She’d caught him in the middle of their living room two months ago, the boxes emptied out and him checking every screw, every nut, bolt and piece against the assembly instructions to ensure that everything was there, fully prepared with the phone and laptop beside him to make all the forms of contact needed to get the right parts sent out. “I’m not leaving it until last minute to then find out something is missing, or wrong or damaged and it’s too late.”

He’s strolled around the house with the double pram, telling her he needed to break in the wheels. He’s practiced for what felt like hours closing the pram and re-opening it again. Getting it in and out of the large car which he bought for the babies in mind. He’s tested numerous ways of picking up the baby carriers and how to get them in and out of the car with ease. He’s completed a baby first aid course and made sure he’s bought enough things to baby proof the house.

“You have some explaining to do.” She says, waddling into the doorway of the nursery, holding up some of the baby outfits he’s purchased.

“Look at the little cape though.” He grins, putting down the paint roller and tray before he’s even applied the first stroke. He walks over to her, his hand instinctively going to her belly as the other touches the cape of the baby vest which reads “my daddy is superman.”

“And this?” She holds up a mini Chiefs kit.

“I don’t make the rules around here. It’s law that they should match their daddy.”

“But what if they choose to suppo-”

“Ah, ah, ah,” Henry cuts her off with a wag of his finger, “we don’t have none of that negativity around here. Absolutely not.” It takes everything she can muster not to crack another smile and to try and keep her expression as neutral as possible but the stern look upon Henry’s face makes it more difficult to do so.

“You can’t wait for this, can you?” She asks him as she sinks down into her rocking chair and slowly goes back and forth, sighing contently to get the weight from her swelling ankles and sore feet.

“Lumberjack beard, bags under my eyes so big I could do a months shopping in them and endless stories of ‘so yeah, my kid pooped today’ conversations. I can’t wait.”

“No dad bod?” She questions.

“I’m a daddy now, and I’ve got a body.” You sure are daddy, she thinks. If she weren’t suffering from her aching hips, she’d be wanting to climb onto his lap and ride him. He looks far too good right now.

“Yeah you have, now let me see that body of yours get to work….on this room. Not on me.” She says, holding up her finger and lifting a leg up as though that could stop Henry from covering her body with his own, “you’ve done enough.”

“Well, you know what they say… it helps to speed things along…”

#henry cavill one shot #henry cavill fanfiction #henry cavill fanfic #henry cavill imagine

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missmentelle · 3 years

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Hope its alright to share a cringey situation! i knew a woman once that was constantly wondering why people stopped talking to her and it confused me at first cuz i had just met her and only just started becoming friends but it started to be all she talked about so i kept my distance and then asked her outright to give me some space with specific instructions, that she violated immediately! After repeating myself many times what i needed and her ignoring my boundaries i had to start blocking her. A YEAR later she still finds a new social media platform to reach out and ask why i stopped talking to her. I struggle with boundaries and this was the worst feeling ever. And recently it happened again where a person got way too close way too quick and wouldnt take a hint when i wouldnt answer their calls. They singled me out in a zoom graduation telling me to answer my phone. How do you deal with people that wont listen? Its just so embarrassing and it feels awful to say no so many times.... like my boundaries dont matter to them... which is why i stay running and the cycle continues! Hope you dont mind the rant you reblogged something similar and i dont know what the words are for this situation

I actually don’t think this is cringey at all - I think this is an important life skill.

Sooner or later, everyone has to deal with someone who comes on way too strong, doesn’t take hints, and generally makes it clear that they’re way more interested in you than you are in them. This can happen with friends, coworkers, romantic prospects, neighbours - pretty much anyone in your life. Sometimes, you can manage the situation by keeping the person at arm’s length and giving gentle reminders about boundaries whenever they start to push it. But sometimes, people push and push and push no matter how firm you are and how many reminders you give - and sometimes, this person’s refusal to back down can start to negatively affect your mental health or other relationships in your life.

The first thing you need to remember is that someone else’s refusal to take a hint is not your fault. Having someone disrupt a big event like a graduation to ask why you aren’t taking their calls is definitely embarrassing, but you aren’t the one who should feel embarrassed by that - they are the ones who crossed a line by confronting you in public to try to bully you into answering their calls, and they are the one who should feel embarrassed about that happening.

For what it’s worth, I have also been in this situation before, several times in my life. In high school, one of my classmates decided that we were “best friends”, even though I had no real interest in being more than just high school acquaintances. She religiously tracked when I was online to see if I was “ignoring her” (I was), she called my house so much that my parents got annoyed, and she had a tendency to show up at my house unannounced to “hang out”, even at 7am on a Saturday. In grad school, I matched with someone on a dating app who quickly became obsessed with me and couldn’t take a hint that I wasn’t interested - he created multiple social media accounts to harass me and sent messages saying he was going to show up at my campus to try to find me. Those were deeply unpleasant experiences for me; I felt like the “bad guy” for not returning their affection, and trying to explain to other people that “someone is completely obsessed with me” made me feel kind of self-centered, even though it was objectively true. It sucks.

I know that saying “no” to someone over and over again feels awful. I hate saying no to people, even at my own detriment - but sometimes, that’s what you need to do. You are not a bad person for putting your foot down when someone else is refusing to listen to you and is intruding on your life. You’ve already done everything that I would recommend you do in this situation - you started out nice, you reminded this person of your boundaries, you politely asked for space, you gave specific instructions for future interactions - and this person is not responding. You have done what you could, and it’s time to take a firmer stance here. You aren’t a bad person for having boundaries and wanting them to be respected - this person has had several chances to correct their behaviour, and they have chosen not to take them. That’s on them.

At this point, I think it’s okay for you to be frank with this person. Tell them straight up that you don’t want any kind of relationship with them and that you would like them to leave you alone. If that’s too direct for you, tell them that their behaviour is rude and that you are starting to feel harassed. I know that it’s hard to be that firm with someone, but sometimes this is what another person needs to hear - they need to be told, straight-up, that you’ve had enough of this and you’re done. Is it possible that the other person will see you as an asshole? Yes, in all likelihood, they probably will. But it’s important that you not take that personally - it is not your fault that this person’s repeated actions ended in predictable consequences for them. You are not a bad person because someone else is upset that they were called on their bad behaviour.

And if the person still isn’t taking the hint, sometimes the only option you have left is to cut them off entirely. Block their number, delete them from social media, and don’t respond to their attempts to get in contact with you. Being able to get in touch with someone is a privilege, not an absolute right, and when someone abuses that privilege, sometimes they lose it entirely. You aren’t ghosting the person - ghosting is when you duck out of someone’s life without even telling them what they’ve done wrong. You’ve told this person what they’re doing wrong, repeatedly, and it’s okay to take away their opportunity to keep doing it.

Having to get stern with an eager person who can’t take a hint is tough. Rejecting people is hard, and most of us hate doing it. But sometimes... you just have to. You aren’t obligated to give someone an 18th or 19th chance to respect your boundaries, and you don’t have to have a relationship with someone just because they really, really, really want you to. You have a right to decide who you want to be close to, and you should never feel bad about having to be frank with someone who is otherwise completely unwilling to respect your wishes. Best of luck to you, MM

#Anonymous #answeredbymm

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flyandfamousblackgirls · 5 years

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RASHIDA RENEÉ WANTS YOU TO KNOW YOUR HISTORY by Alexis Rene Moten (Culture Jock)

Let’s start this article with a quiz: Name a Black model from the 1990’s that isn’t Naomi Campbell or Tyra Banks?

Stumped? It’s safe to say that if the question were asked to name a White model that wasn’t Kate Moss or Cyndi Crawford, best case scenario you would’ve excelled with a list to provide. Maybe something like: Linda Evangelista, Claudia Schiffer, Christy Turlington, Shalom Harlow, Carla Bruni, Heidi Klum..you get my point.

At times, Pop Culture can be a fair-weather friend. Monday’s It-girl becomes Friday’s nobody and by Sunday there’s a new hot thing in town to get all the girls in a fuss. But as nostalgia-trends rises as capitalism’s newest enterprise, endorsed largely by social media app, Instagram, history is being retold by the agenda of it’s curator. The selective hearing of Instagram accounts like @90scelebvibes (391K followers) and @90sanxiety (793K followers) present a facade that the past was rather beige, leaving largely out the credit due to the Black and people of color creatives that developed and inspired the trends imitated today.

Bay area based, Fashion archivist Rashida Reneé, takes on self-love to a familial level celebrating her love and the appreciation of Black designers, models and other fashion industry influencers that otherwise go forgotten in our modern culture. In fashion, as in anything else, things old become anew. However, Reneé takes on the responsibility as a trend gatekeeper, providing evidence of what fashion used to be and recognizing the faces we longed forgotten.

Q: Name a Black model from the 1990’s that isn’t Naomi Campbell or Tyra Banks?

A: Beverly Peele, Gail O’Neill, Iman, Kara, Young, Karen Alexander, Louise Vyent, Roshumba, Veronica Webb, etc.

Culture Jock: What is a typical day for the most hated hoe in the city?

RR: (laughs) It’s weird, I kind of like to keep it to myself. Keep track of what I like and my thoughts. I don’t know. I'm very low-key person in real life, but when I do leave the house (pauses) I do, I promise! I just like my personal time, but when it’s time to be out I am present, as much as possible. I do what I do becauseII like giving information to people and give them links and information just so they know.

CJ: What brought you into fashion archiving?

RR: My whole archiving process was originally for myself and filling in spots of information where there it was empty of black people. Of course, there is street fashion, but in terms of online fashion, sites like Manrepeller, you didn’t see a lot of black girls doing it and the people doing it I thought were lame. Finding other black people who weren’t anti-black in those kind of spaces. I felt a lot of people were trying to make us to assimilate. Everyone was kind of like doing the same things and it was like, ‘Naomi Campbell!’ But if it were any other dark girl it didn’t matter. So, I started my own blog and then I had to stop myself from posting Naomi Campbell’s photos too. I would do one picture of Naomi Campbell a day and try to really give props to other black woman involved and black people in general. When I was younger I was familiar with the other models not just Naomi Campbell, my mom was really in it with Naomi. She worked in a beauty salon, which had magazines of all the models. Like, black hair magazines, they always listed the models so, no matter what you knew who they were. Whoever it was in the 90s, ‘this is who that is and this who that is.’ You’d see the oldest Destiny Child’s video shoots in black hair magazines. I just haven’t seen other people doing that. There are other girls now that focus more on Hip Hop in 90s and 2000s. Livejournal, fashion spot, Tumblr, people didn’t go out of their way to scan the black models or even try to name them. It’s funny, people online, they don’t even try to hide their biases. No one was really fashion blogging the way I like or how I see .

CJ:In your piece for Office Magazine you mention, from Patrick Kelley to today’s influence of Dapper Dan, American culture from its roots drips of Black influence and culture. Why do you think Black culture is so immutable and where do you see the ownership of our creations.

RR: People I mean know, it’s just like, it’s weird and odd to even talk about. Not just people referencing me or copying, I feel like I am being gaslit all the time or being told that. People love stealing from black people. People love stealing from black people. People love stealing from black people and lying about it. People hate black people but they think we are cool. I can’t even (pauses)yeah it’s very weird. The twitter thing is weird (sighs).

CJ: It is weird.

RR: (sighs) It’s not really helping them. It’s boring to live with no personality. To see someone interesting and steal from them to bolster themselves. [On social media] we have the means to share with each other, like, moments that are of shared experiences of oppression and that is even imitated. I don’t know why the copy of things are okay. It is such a multi-layered thing. Or the way the Stans talk like mainly the Black queer and Black trans talk and how all of that is now being used by everyone. Ariana Grande, ya know, icons talk like girls on the ballrooms did back in 2006. Parodying things. It helps them develop their own brand, I don’t understand their fascination with us anyway. I’m into my own shit and own culture. I like the way black people express themselves and other people use us and what we do to talk to each other or communicate and then take that to feel cool. I’ve always been,like, ‘why would someone want to be like this?’ or pretend. I don’t get it. People run out of content. I know people used to make fun of me and the things I used to be and ironically they are into it now. People need to find their own hobbies. They are bored.

CJ: The internet is complex. It’s a parody of itself.

RR: Knowing your history is important. You need to know where you came from to know where you are going. When it comes to fashion archives the question is, ‘what is it that you are looking for or trying to highlight?’ My concern is that fashion archiving is feeding into nostalgic trends, where it’s easier to mimic what was done before rather then create new moments. Do you share the same sentiments?

CJ: What is it about fashion that excites you?

RR: It’s so fun and so funny. The dolls are taking over. That’s how most things go, the things that happened come back with a hyper focus. It really is going full out now. It’s interesting to see how people are dressing now. [Fashion] is always reflective of the political climate. Think about the 80s everyone is dressing like a dickhead. Then when people got sick of dressing like a dickhead, minimalism comes in. We cycle through trends so fast, today. I remember a girl wearing a hair clips and no one was into it. Then the next week everyone was wearing them, then I see Cyndi Lauper in an interview wearing hair clips. She’s like 50-something and she’s wearing hair clips made out of Swarovski crystals. It’s so interesting. It’s funny how it happens. Now everyone is into fashion.

CJ: Who are your biggest fashion influences ?

RR: My biggest influences are Naomi Campbell and my mom. Girls I follow on the internet. My mom is from San Francisco lives her own life and is very eclectic. I get a lot from her and different taste. Foxy Brown is also very inspiring, I reference her a lot I think about her and Steven Miesel. Steven knows how to do everything. Steven can do everything. Everyone knows I am a crazy Beyoncé fan. But, I have different girls for different moods. My main inspo is Naomi and Foxy Brown. I really gravitated to Foxy because she was more into Prada and Chloe when Stella McCartney was there. Because of Foxy I love Chloe. She was very cool. Naomi is, you just aspire to that level of greatness. There is no one else. Even in her flaws she handles them so well. I can’t imagine someone else with that kind of rap sheet to not get fully canceled. I judge people by how they react to criticism. She handles it really well. I find that really inspiring.

CJ: What film or television do you think has the best fashion catalog? If you could what character's closet would you love to raid?

RR: I am so frazzled. There’s so much stuff I like. I write things down specifically, because I can never remember. I watched The Nanny last year with Fran Drescher, when I was really depressed and was like, ‘Wow this is inspiring.’ Brenda Cooper, her mind. Everyone had a look in. Pose, is another one. Everything has intentions from the main characters to the background characters. I really like the first season of costume design. It’s commitment to that era. Someone is always dressed like, Karen White or Jodi Whitley. Elektra is very dynasty, that high lady energy. I love that about the show. I love Glow, the costume designer, Beth Morgan. I love when people do era shows, specifically the 80s and they don’t try to soften it, especially in makeup or hair. They aren’t scared to embrace the ugliness, I love that. That’s what good costume design is about. High fashion is easy, but what really gets me is watching old movies and looking at the clothes.

CJ: We are moving into a new decade of 2020. I have a feeling it may be the year of 2020 vision and final clarity. What are your aspirations for this new era and what do you hope to see from the world?

RR: I feel like the children are our future. That’s what I’m looking at, to see what the kids are into. People are more focused into what they look like and I remember if someone dressed a little bit out of fashion it was a huge deal and get talked about. But now they are embracing their weirdness and experimenting. Do you watch that Tik Tok stuff? I just want a regular life. Happy, healthy, all my kids are happy and healthy. When I move to [Los Angeles] and get hotter, hotter and I want to become, what is that called, a wellness person? I want a Goop moment, but with Solange aesthetics. Maybe make a propaganda film to get people to stop wearing wigs.

#Rashida Reneé #Rashida Renee #Foxy Brown #Naomi Campbell #Beyoncé #Black fashion

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Survey #333

“imaginary chain / the one you never break / seething all alone”

Do you have any fears you would rarely admit to anyone? Nah, I'm pretty open about what I'm afraid of. What website do you spend most of your time on? YouTube. What class in high school did you struggle with the most? I honestly don't remember with certainty, but it was probably math or economics. At least, I think econ was my senior year. What could you talk about for hours? Mark, meerkats, a few game franchises... maybe a couple more topics. Who is your favorite character from Harry Potter? I wouldn't know. Do you salt your popcorn? Yes. Do you have a Steam account? Yeah, but I don't have many games on there and rarely touch the ones I do. Do you like gaming? I do, but not as much as I did for most of my life. I mostly just play WoW now, and even that I'm not that into anymore. Part of it though comes from not buying any new games that I'm interested in because 1.) no money and 2.) no proper console, and you can only replay games so many times before you're just... yeah, done. Do you like reading books? Some days. Do you like religion? All things considered? No. Do you like Grand Theft Auto V? Y'know, growing up, I actually liked watching my younger neighbor play one of those games, but I don't remember which. Though he never actually "played" it... just ran around wreaking havoc, lol. I do however think GTAV was the one that Jason and Jacob started playing together when we moved into the apartment, and I thought the story was okay; I don't think they ever got far into it, though. Definitely wasn't Jason's sort of game, and I don't think it was too much up Jacob's alley, either. Can you twerk? I haven't tried and you will never see me try either, lmao. Do you have a Spotify account? Yes, but I almost never use it. If the last person you kissed tried to kiss you again, would you start kissing them back? Yes. If your best friend of the opposite sex tried to kiss you, would you start kissing them back? No. Have you ever kissed someone who has previously kissed someone you hated? Yes, because of how badly she hurt him. I don't have any negative feelings towards her now, though. We're actually friends, haha. The irony. Are you an easy lay? What weird wording. But whatever, quite the polar opposite actually. When’s the last time you said you were sorry? A few days ago. Are there any songs you listen to everyday? No. Would you like living on the coast? As someone who lives in a state hit by hurricanes usually every year and has seen the incredible damage they usually bring to the coast, no. I don't like the smell or gritty feel of salty air, either. When’s the last time you were really late to something? No idea. That's usually not a problem with me. Why did you stop liking the last person you liked? The last person I actually stopped like-liking would be Girt, and that would be because I just came to the realization I saw him too much as my brother instead of boyfriend. It just always felt awkward. Do you still talk to that person? Yeah, we're good. No hard feelings or anything between us. Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth? No. Do you trust easily? Fuck no. I'll be cautious, at least to some degree, about new people for a while. What is the last song to make you cry? Since I've actually behaved and not listened to any trigger songs, it's been a long while, but it was probably "Another Life" by Motionless In White. Last person you hung up on? I'm sure some automated message. I barely ever answer the phone to numbers I don't recognize, though. Where was your last car ride to and from? To Wal-Mart w/ Mom to pick up our order and then back home. Next big outing? *shrug* Do you find it difficult to stay invested in online relationships? Not really, no. Considering I'm by far my most authentic self online, I actually tend to appreciate virtual friends more, if I'm being honest. I try to keep up with those people. Are you the type of person who pays close attention to the release dates of movies, music, etc., and will, for example, go see a movie or buy an album on the date it is released? If so, when is the last time you did so? Not really, no. I think I saw Warcraft the day it came into theaters, though. Do movies often make you cry? What kind of films/scenes make you tear up most? Yep. Tragic romance tends to do it the most, I think. Do you use any apps to track your health or medications? I have one to track my menstrual cycle as well as another that tracks my daily caloric intake, but I'm bad at using it because it's tedious if I actually have to measure something. Whose opinions/recommendations do you value most? Ummm if you mean like, in general, probably my mom's. But this most certainly depends on the subject I'm taking feedback on. What is something society "expects" you to do that you don't want to do and/or don't plan on doing? Shaving my legs came to mind first. Granted, I will if there is almost any chance of someone seeing them, but otherwise, I just don't care. We respect women with body hair on this account and see them as no less feminine. Are you interested in architecture? Is there any particular style that you're drawn to? I think it's cool, yeah. I should have an answer for this, given architecture was a massive focus in Art History the last time I was in school... Roman architecture comes to my head first, if that says anything. What was one of your favorite things from the nineties? BOY OH BOY, SO MUCH!! I'm probably gonna say the toys. There was some dope shit, man. Do you collect things pertaining to an animal? ANYTHING and EVERYTHING featuring a meerkat!!!!! :''') Do you wish that people were kinder to spiders? Well, yes. I hope everyone in their heart wishes this, even if they're afraid of them. They're very important to our ecosystem, and none are out there to harm us; their existence does us a favor. Where do you normally order pizza from? Domino's (my favorite) or LIttle Caesar's for the price. Did your parents keep anything of yours from when you were a baby? Oh yes, loads of stuff that's stored away somewhere. Do you own one of those "____ For Dummies" books? No, but I feel like we had one at some point? What was the last VHS tape that you watched? Yikes, who knows. Did you watch Boy Meets World back in the day? I actually didn't, no. Our old neighbor though loved it so much that she named her daughter Tapanga (deliberately spelled that way). Who is your favorite Scooby Doo character? I never really had one. Maybe Thelma. If I were to give you a coloring book, what would you want its theme to be? Animals. Have you ever won a stuffed animal at a carnival? Possibly a small one. I can tell you I did however accidentally stab the guy who ran the dart-throwing booth though, lmfao. He was obviously fine, and it wasn't a bad wound. I felt SOOOOOO bad. Are you a fan of narwhals? I'm a fan of any animal. Narwhals are definitely fascinating creatures. Grape or orange soda? Orange. Grape-flavored soda ain't my thing. Have you ever wanted to vlog? Noooo. My life is so painstakingly boring and repetitive. Did you have a favorite Disney movie as a child? It was and still is The Lion King. Do you or have you ever owned a portable gaming console? Yeah, a GameBoy Advance and Nintendo DS. Is shyness cute? It definitely can be. Have you ever had alcohol poisoning before? No. Do you like to gossip, or do you prefer to keep your mouth shut? I'm not a gossip fan. Have you ever vandalized someone else’s property before? Most definitely not. Are your parents divorced? Yes. Have you ever been under suicide watch for 72 hours in a psychiatric ward? Yes; at least here, that's protocol when you're admitted for suicidal thoughts/tendencies. Have you ever gone through your significant other’s phone or social media accounts, or do you respect their privacy? Absolutely not. That shit pisses me off so badly. Do you wear any sort of clothing for religious reasons? No. What's something you worked extremely hard to get? My sanity back. Sounds so dramatic, but I'm literally not kidding. Have you ever been labeled negatively or otherwise been called something extremely derogatory? Not that I remember. How many kids do you want to have? I don't want kids, but to entertain the question, when I did, I wanted three. It's fuckin wild to imagine for even a second that I once wanted that. Do you believe that being gay is a sin? *eye roll* Are you any good at photography? If so, what’s your specialty? I mean it with modesty, but I think I'm pretty good. My favorite thing to photograph are animals, but I generally take most pictures of people by request or pay. Judging by my deviantART account, my nature pics definitely get the most attention. Have you ever been a member of a gang before? Fuckin yikes, no. An infamous gang tried breaking into my childhood home once, so you can probably gather that I would never take part in their "big bad guys" bullshit. Have you ever felt like you were neither male nor female? No, I'm comfortable as a cisgender female. Do you like oatmeal raisin cookies? NO. Anything with raisins = NO. Do you think you’re attractive? No. Has a teacher ever caught and read a note you were passing in class? No, not that I really passed notes to begin with. I'd be mortified, regardless of what it was about. Would you rather live in a tropical or arctic climate? Arctic. Do you have an older brother? Yes. He's technically my half-brother, but I don't see "half"s. Have either of your parents ever been to jail? No. Are your collarbones prominent? Bitch I wish so I could get the damn dermal piercings I've wanted for years. Have you ever in your life worn overalls? As a kid, yeah. So ugly. Do you love yourself? It's... weird. Therapy is making me realize that a part of me, maybe even the bigger one, doesn't, but at the exact same time, I know I have worth just like every other human. I just don't treat myself like I do. What TV shows do you keep up with? None, until Meerkat Manor returns this summer. :') When’s the last time it snowed where you live? A couple months ago we got a little bit of it. Is your belly button pierced? No, but it would be if I was actually skinny. Just in my personal opinion, I don't at all think that that piercing would look nice on someone as overweight as me. Even if my damn dreams come true and I lose all the weight I want, my stomach will never look "normal," even after I get the excess skin removal surgery that will be very high on my priority list for my own self-image that's been nothing but loathsome since 2016. What is your favourite dinosaur? Spinosaurus is the obvious answer. What do you remember the most about your childhood? Lots of imagination. Parents arguing. Playing with my little sister. What age did you get your first hair cut? I have no idea. Do you have a favourite toy from childhood still? No. I wish I hadn't gotten rid of it. Have you ever made bread? No. Would you ever consider shaving your head? Nah. Would you like to live in a realm where the zombie apocalypse is possible? Who says we don't now? Zombifying parasites already exist among insects and such, so like... it's not unimaginable to one day see one developed enough to infect humans. I sure as fuck hope not, but. What do you use to dry your clothes? (Tumble dryer, radiator, etc) We have a dryer. Do you ever play the built-in games on your computer? Which ones? Nah. What was the last spontaneous thing you did? I did this many, many months ago, but I guess watch an episode of The Witcher by my own volition. I don't really do spontaneous things with how routine I am, but I had a random urge to check it out one morning. How loud can you whistle? Not very loud at all. Does anything on your body hurt or itch right now? My knees really hurt. They're getting worse. When was the last time you built a sandcastle? There's noooo telling, it's been many years. Have you ever ridden a mechanical bull? No. Well, not a *real* one, anyway. Just the little ones for kids. If you had to appear on a game show, which one would you choose? Family Feud. What is your favorite hot beverage? Hot chocolate. Do you have an alter ego? Describe them: No. Food: Are you adventurous or do you stick to what you know? I absolutely stick to what I know. I am SO picky. Is there anything (out of the obvious) that makes you feel really ill? I'm not immediately sure, but there's probably something. Do you bump into things often? Yes. I've always had this weird habit of like... drifting when I walk, so I do this easily. I just kinda wander to the sides a bit without realizing it. What design is on your calendar this year? I don't have a current one. Did you enjoy playing Hop Scotch when you were younger? I did. Do you feel uncomfortable going to the movies by yourself? Nah, not really. I did that with Warcraft and it was actually pretty chill. When thinking about your dream home, what do you think would be your favorite thing to shop for? The ~g o t h i c~ decor. Do you ever listen to those lo-fi hip hop/study music playlists on YouTube/Spotify? No. Are you likelier to work harder if you’re being paid? If not, what drives you to give your best effort? I mean, yeah. I'd assume that's pretty normal. Does the fashion sense of a potential partner matter to you? No. Is there anything that you prefer to write down rather than type? I'm unsure. If you download/torrent things, do you remember the first thing you ever torrented? Oh, the Limewire days of music pirating... but no, I don't remember. What was the last thing you posted on Instagram? Something photography-related, but I don't feel like checking. What do you wish your hair looked like? I wish I could pull off pastel pink hair rn. It also desperately needs a trim. Do you still feel anything for the first person you fell in love with? I'm sure I always will, at least a little. Do you get any magazines in the mail? No. Have you ever paid for any kind of online membership? Uhhhhh have I? I don't think so. Who’d you last see in a tux? Probably the groom of the last wedding I shot. Do you record any TV shows and watch them later? No, but I used to do that big time because I loved "rewatching" stuff when I was on the computer. Out of everyone you know, who was the most heart? My mother, big time. Who’s the bravest person you know? Also my mother. Or Sara. What profession do you admire the most? Teachers might just win. The patience that must take, among so many other things. Have you ever made a fake profile, for any reason? No.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''bornless'' by 3teeth

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blurglesmurfklaine · 4 years

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Cornelia Street (3/?)

A/N: oh my god they were quarantined

yes. It’s one of those fics.

AU, obvs

I’m posting as I go and idk how many parts this is going to be, likely won’t be very long but I literally don’t know what I’m doing and should i be starting yet another WIP? definitely not but fuck it lets fucking go

Title is from T-swizzles Lover album, I’m OBSESSED

Summary: Three years ago, Kurt and Blaine went on a disaster of a date and never quite got off on the right foot. Now, just before they graduate from NYADA, there’s a national outbreak and they’re both self-quarantined in a mutual friend’s apartment.

Read On AO3

On Tumblr: Part 1, Part 2

Part 3

Kurt has the art of avoiding someone he’s sharing a confined space with down to an art. Blaine stays in the bedroom most of the time and the morning stiffness in Kurt’s joints from sleeping on the couch is well worth not having to interact with his roomie. He spends the first few days decompressing from the stressload of his schoolwork, social media, extra pampering, the usual.

This is enough to keep him entertained for a few days, but the first few hours of day four drag on like molasses.

Kurt lies on the couch, flippantly scrolling and cycling through the same social media apps over and over again until he’s seen every tweet, every snapchat story, and every. Single. Facebook. Post.

This routine is fine when he has a full and busy life, but it can’t be all he does. He’s going stir crazy.

It’s this boredom, he tells himself, that motivates him to knock on the bedroom door. Because he’s a generally social person, and he’s certain that even the likes of Blaine Anderson could offer him some temporary entertainment.

“The living room TV doesn’t come with Netflix,” he explains when a confused Blaine opens the door. “And my social media feed is dry, so you can either let me in on whatever you’re watching, or you can deal with the consequences of not doing that. I should let you know, I have a brother, and I can be very annoying.”

Blaine hums, looking Kurt up and down. “I also have a brother who can be ridiculously annoying, so I suppose I can’t risk it.” He speaks carefully, but Kurt has a sneaking suspicion that Blaine’s just as out of his mind bored as he is and would appreciate the company.

He opens the door wider to allow Kurt passage in the room.

Blaine moves towards the bed, where he’s clearly made some sort of quarantine nest for himself—the blanket is puddled near the head of the bed where Blaine was lying, a few books scattered by where his feet would have been, a bowl of half eaten ramen abandoned on the nightstand.

Kurt… doesn’t quite know what to do. He starts for the computer chair by the desk, but Blaine waves him away. “You can just sit next to me,” he says dismissively. “That’s Sam’s gaming chair, and it is just absolutely hell on your lower back. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.”

He raises an eyebrow, crosses his arms. “Is that what I am to you?”

Blaine looks at him like he’s genuinely surprised by the remark. “What? I… No. Not at all.”

“Really?”

“Look, Kurt, I know we have a weird history and we don’t particularly get along, but I don’t hate you.”

Kurt eyes Blaine up and down for a second, assessing him for any signs of deceit. He finds none, pulls the cover back and slides underneath it. “What are you watching?”

“Let It Snow. It’s a Netflix Original. It just started, do you want me to rewind it?”

Kurt waves a hand. “No, that’s fine.”

On screen, two teens are trudging through the snow towards a building with AFFLE TOWN on top of it.

“If the train made you feel real, Waffle Town is gonna blow your mind.”

In the movie, the cheerleader character kisses the other main red-headed girl in the bathroom, but acts like nothing happened when the rest of the squad comes in.

“Oh, she’s totally not out of the closet yet.” Blaine murmurs.

“What? But she said she was, at the beginning.”

“I mean, yeah, but there has to be some sort of twist.”

“Hm. Seems like you have this movie all figured out.”

“I mean, movies like this are supposed to be predictable on some level. Let’s be real, we watch these movies because no matter what happens, no matter what misunderstanding there is, you know everything’s going to be okay.” He looks at Kurt, and Kurt’s heart does not skip a beat. But objectively speaking, Blaine is ridiculously adorable, and maybe he has a teeny tiny reaction when Blaine says, “You know that the right people will end up with each other.”

About twenty more minutes in, all the different storylines have been introduced and Kurt realizes why this movie seems so familiar. “Oh my god,” he says. “This is totally just a teen version of Love, Actually.”

Blaine chuckles. “Oh my gosh, you’re right!”

They both laugh out loud at the end, when the crappy best friend realizes she’s been crappy and gives the red-head a little speech.

“If you and Beyonce were trapped in a house that was on fire and I could only save one of you... I would let Beyonce die.”

The movie draws to a close and Blaine leans back against the pillows, obviously satisfied with the ending. “See? Happy endings rule. They’re a little cheesy, a little predictable, but that’s what I like about them.”

Kurt smiles and looks over at Blaine. “Yeah, me, too.”

When the movie ends, Blaine excuses himself for a moment to go grab a drink from the kitchen.

When he finishes his glass of water, Blaine heads to the hall closet, clamoring around for that stash of board games Sam keeps for game nights. He finally finds it and grins a bit, pulling out Battleship. This should keep them entertained for a while.

He stops dead in his tracks, just outside the room, when he hears Kurt in a heated conversation on the phone. “No, Adam. I meant it, this time. We’re over… I know there’s a national crisis right now, that’s why I’m at—don’t… stop… will you let me—! You always do this! Stop talking over me! Oh my god, if you’re not going to listen, then this conversation is over.”

Blaine silently backtracks a few steps when he hears Kurt sniff, then after a minute or two, starts walking again, making sure to slap his bare feet against the hardwood floor so that Kurt hears him coming and can take a second to compose himself. He rattles the battleship game for extra measure and says loudly down the hallway, “So I found this battleship game in the closet, thought it might be a good way to pass the time.”

Kurt still looks a little lost in thought by the time Blaine is back in the bedroom. “Uh, sure, yeah. Why not,” he mindlessly agrees.

It takes them a few minutes to set everything up and figure out logistics. As a gesture of goodwill, Blaine insists that they both sit on the bed for this activity. He still feels a little bad for… whatever Kurt is going through right now.

They’re well into the game when Blaine decides to tug a little more on the thread that will unravel Kurt Hummel.

“J1,” Kurt grumbles.

“Miss,” Blaine responds. “So… I thought I might’ve heard you on the phone earlier,” he says, and Kurt’s hard gaze pierces through him. “Everything okay?”

“Why do you care?” Kurt snaps.

Blaine felt his own defenses rising up. “We are going to be stuck with each other for days on end, so excuse me for trying to be a decent person.”

Kurt de-bristles himself. “Sorry,” he murmurs, shaking his head. “Sorry… I um… my ex is trying to get me to go stay with him. But I know he’s just going to rope me into getting back together again and I just… I’m done. Sorry,” he repeats, lifting his knees and wrapping his arms around them. “I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this.”

“It’s okay,” Blaine says, mouth twitching. “We’ll chalk it up to social distancing. Speaking of, I know why I’m self-quarantined, why are you? If you don’t mind me asking. Why not go home like everyone else? B4.”

Kurt sighs. “Hit. My dad had a heart attack back in high school. Left him in a coma for a while. Then he had a cancer scare last year, so his immune system isn’t the strongest. I can’t risk taking anything back to him. J2.”

“I’m sorry to hear that… Hit.”

“Thanks. What about you?”

“C4. Kind of the same thing. My aunt has lived with us pretty much my entire life. She's pretty much my second mom. She’s diabetic, and a year ago she needed a kidney transplant. If she even gets so much as a cold, it could mess with her anti-rejection meds.”

He doesn’t get a response for a while and Blaine looks up to find Kurt staring at him. The other boy blinks, like he himself has just noticed his fixed gaze.

“Um, hit…” he says, looking back down at his board. Blaine thinks he might see a hint of a blush crawling up Kurt’s neck. “J3.”

“Miss.”

“Miss? That’s impossible. J1 and I2 were misses.” Kurt snaps his head up, narrowing his eyes at Blaine, but there’s a playful light that wasn’t there earlier. “Are you cheating?”

“Maybe,” he teases, evading the question because it actually is a hit. In fact, it’s the winning move. “Maybe I just don’t want this game to be over so soon.”

For a moment, Blaine wonders if his comment was too close to flirtatious territory. But then he thinks, so what if it is? There was a reason he agreed to be set up with Kurt freshman year, and after half a conversation with him, Blaine is definitely intrigued, to say the least.

Kurt’s lips curl up into a smile. “Alright… I don’t want to go back to being bored either, so how about this? We each move one of the small pieces and the first one to get a hit wins.”

Blaine agrees, taking one of his small pieces off and moving it.

“I’ll start us off,” Kurt says. “You mentioned you had a brother. What about the rest of your family? A6.”

“Miss. I’ve only got the one, thank god, because he is a handful. My mom is a total goofball, gives the best advice. I love her to death. My dad is the essence of I hate everything except my family. He can be a total grump sometimes, but I know he’d do anything for us. G7. You?”

“Miss. I mentioned my dad. My mom passed away when I was eight.” Blaine’s eyes glaze over with sympathy. “She was… she was really something. I miss her everyday, but I’m also really grateful that my dad found someone as wonderful as my step-mom. They got married my Junior year of high school, and I got a brother out of it. He drives me up the wall sometimes, but I love the big lug.”

Kurt tells Blaine all about the ridiculousness of his high school show choir, his relationship with his dad, and the bullying he endured in high school. In turn, Blaine confesses some insecurities he has about being a musical theatre major, about how he absolutely adores his kooky aunt, and his love for harry potter.

The game takes longer to finish than it should since occasionally they get so deep into conversation that they forget about playing the game. Eventually, it’s nearly two am, and Kurt decides to call it quits.

“Alright,” he says. “I’m calling it. I’m never gonna fund that darn ship of yours.”

“You’re right about that,” Blaine agrees. Kurt had actually hit his piece about three turns in, but again… Blaine wasn’t ready to say goodnight yet.

Kurt snorts out a laugh and rises from the he’d, stretching his arms high over his head. “I’ll see you in the morning,” he groans.

Blaine has no idea what compels him to say this, but he does. “You don’t have to sleep in the living room.”

Kurt freezes and gives Blaine a look.

“I just mean…” he swallows. “I’ve had the bed enough nights. Time to pay my dues. I can take the couch tonight.”

He hops off the bed before Kurt even has the chance to protest.

“I… um, thanks,” he gives Blaine a shy smile.

“I’ll see you in the morning, Kurt.” He returns the smile—more than just a nicety at this point—and turns around to head to the living room.

He can’t keep the dazed grin off his face when he pulls out his phone to text Sam.

Part 4

#klaine #glee #kurt hummel #blaine anderson #wow look at me im writing!#i honestly hate the format of tumblr but its too late at this point lmaoooo

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rubinleigh · 4 years

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My First Draft Limbo

Writing is never an easy task, in any form, but I don’t think I have ever procrastinated this much before this first draft.

See, I started this project in November of 2018. (Which is why that is around the time my book is set.) My mom suggested I start a new project so I could focus and finish one. This came up because I had gone on a lengthy rant about my favorite book. I had been analyzing it and it became clear I had taken too long a brake from my writing. The very next day I had a fresh notebook full of new ideas and I was writing. Unfortunately, my momentum didn’t last. I got the first 50 pages done in a matter of weeks. After that, I fell terribly ill and ended up in the hospital. I became overwhelmed with trying to balance school, work, learning to be an adult, and taking care of my unfortunately poor health. (And yes, being 19, medically frail and living in LA is not fun during this epidemic. I’m practically walking around with a box of Clorox Wipes.) With all that going on I had a hard time finding space in my life for literature. Now over a year has gone by and I’m just barely at 100 pages. Knowing I can do better and writing faster is the most frustrating part.

In these past two months I have been working very hard to get back on a writing routine. I have taken tips and suggestions from many people as well as use what has worked in the past and I am starting to get back on track. I’d like to share what works and invite readers to incorporate strategies I use into their own writing focus plan.First, I started doing morning free writes again, just to get the gears turning. For those who don’t know, free writing is when you take fifteen minutes to write nonstop. It doesn’t have to be pretty or nice, just write exactly what you’re thinking as you’re thinking it. No filter. If you can’t manage that at first, that’s fine. Start by writing random letters or numbers, or maybe the lyrics to a song you have stuck in you’re head. You could try describing you’re surroundings in excellent detail. It doesn’t matter. Just keep the pen moving. I know it sounds dumb or embarrassing, but it works.

The other tool I use is a pomodoro focus timer. You can get one on the app store. What it does is count the time you work and the time you break. The timer will have you work for 25 minutes and brake for 5 minutes. It will repeat this cycle until you have worked for a full hour. Then it will give you a long break before starting another hour. All and all it should help you get two hours of writing in. I turn mine on at 2pm every day. Not to mention I do one hour every day of writing blog/journal posts. (Not that I post them immediately)

There’s another thing I do to help me but I hate it. Unfortunately, it’s also very helpful. I set a strict schedule for myself and follow it. Well, of course not always. I’m a whimsical person so I am naturally inclined to slip up, but the framework does help.

The last bit is probably the most important: Health and wellbeing. As someone who’s spent a lifetime with a body in disrepair, I can tell you what a different it makes. When some systems are slower, the body will take power from the brain in order to compensate. Not to mention being tired and feeling sick don’t help to get things done. I mean it when I say the most important and vital aspect of staying on track and focused is taking care of your body. Eat good foods- stay with organics and cut things like gluten, cows milk, and processed sugars-, drink lots of water –most people don’t know that if you are feeling thirsty you are already dehydrated-, get good sleep, keep up with daily moderate exercise. Make sure your body comes before anything else because if you aren’t the healthiest you can’t accomplish anything else.As with everything, take my words with a grain of salt. Every person is different and there are different ways to make sure you stay writing, and that’s ok. Do what every works best for you individually. This is just here to be used if wanted and/or needed.

Stay Silly and Keep Writing,

RubinLeigh

#writer's life #writing #writers #Writing tips #writing advice #my writing #writers on tumblr #writeblr #rubinleigh

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iameverybecky · 5 years

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So endometriosis is one of those diagnoses that is a wide spectrum. You could have one symptom or 62. Some people have debilitating pain, some don’t feel anything at all. Infertility, miscarriages, and then some women will have three children before they are even diagnosed. This is one of the most frustrating things about having endo bc every case is different.

A while back, I started tracking my moods according to my cycle. The pattern was so so clear. My anxiety and depression are directly affected by my menstrual cycle. Like, predictably so. But no doctor has ever even suggested this or asked questions pairing the two. I was not medicated for my anxiety and depression until my OB thought it was PPD. But medicating leveled me more than even before pregnancy. I knew there had to be more to it.

I have always assumed I have PMDD, (never officially diagnosed bc, everyone knows hormones just make you moody, right??) so I started with some searching into the correlation of PMDD and endo. I found multiple studies that showed mood swings, severe anxiety, major depression, and even in some cases paranoia to be present in women diagnosed with endometriosis. These were fairly small studies, some weren’t even finished, but just the fact that there are people out there who noticed the parallel, too, made me feel just a little less crazy. The idea has just not been fully explored yet. But this was my motivation behind my hysterectomy at 31 years of age. I feel I am slowly losing myself. My mental health is worse than it’s ever been, and I can track my major lows/indifference to life like clockwork with my ovulation calendar. Migraines on days 7-9, zero emotions at all on 22-27. And on days 28-4, I am CERTAIN everything I am told is a lie. Then on day 5, I see it all in rational hindsight and consider checking myself into a behavioral unit. It’s been terrifying.

So now, we hope, and we wait and see if it changes. I’ll keep y’all updated.

I just want to put this out there for anyone else who might be experiencing this and just being told “you’re hormonal.” WELL, DUH, but people grossly underestimate the weight of that.

If you think this sounds like your life, start paying closer attention to your body. Start a journal. Get a period tracker app that documents your pain level and mood. Put giant red dots and smiley/sad/angry faces in your daily planner. SOMETHING. The patterns become wildly obvious very quickly.

You’re not alone. There are more of us out there that feel this.

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bigfrozenfan-fanfics · 3 years

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Chapter 05 - Elsa's excursion

Links: Chapter overview, Character list, Map, Glossar Rating: M over all Publishing cycle: each Friday on (link)

Remarks: all my chapters contain carefully selected music tracks. It’s your own decision if you want to use them or not while reading. The purpose is to musically support the respective mood of the plot. If you can please use a browser for reading (not the Tumblr app) due to the text formatting.

youtube

Joná went to his little boat and pondered what had happened. He just wanted to help and hoped that Yelana would do something about it. Instead, she asked him to keep everything secret. He shrugged his shoulders and bent over the edge of the boat to get his catch out. Still thinking she already knew what to do, he turned with his full basket and froze. Behind him some men from the village had gathered and looked at him piercingly.

“Um ... why are you standing there staring at me like that? Is something going on?” he asked and put the basket down.

“We were just about to ask you that,” said the one in front, who had obviously led the men here. “We noticed everything earlier and wondered if you would tell us what you had so urgently to tell Yelana.” He crossed his arms and looked at Joná waiting.

Joná swallowed. He remembered what she had told him and didn't know how to begin. “Um ... well ... I was just so excited because ... because the fish I had on the line today are so big. One of them almost pulled me over the edge of the boat.”

The man in front of him cast a telling glance at his basket and then looked at him again with raised eyebrows. “Oh, yeah?”

“Not that one, no. But the one fish I was going to pull into the boat was,” said Joná, who noticed this look. “Really, I did. They were just too heavy for me and were tearing the string.”

A few moments passed, and the man finally nodded, “Well, we know your fish stories good enough. But don't you think you might have overdone it a little today?”

Joná sighed and let his shoulders sink. “Yes, maybe you are right. I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to scare anyone.”

“Let's go, men.” They all turned around and walked slowly back to camp, some of them looking disappointed. But the leader of the group said quietly, “There's something he's not telling us. I don't buy that story. Not that I ever did, but ... ”

“Did you notice his nervous look and how insecure he was this time?” one of the men asked quietly and looked at him from the side.

He nodded, “Indeed.”

~~~

Elsa had been lying quietly on her bed for a long time, listening to the noises coming in from outside. It sounded very busy and once she heard a loud shouting and a name. Yelana. She didn't know this person, but she seemed to hold an important position. After that it was quiet again and she only heard a few birds chirping. A ray of sunlight came in from above and blinded her. She turned her head to the side and her eyes fell on the bundle of clothes next to her. Somehow she had had enough of just lying around here idly. She wanted to get out and look around.

Elsa bent her knees to see how far she was able to stand up. It still hurt a little, but it worked surprisingly well. She pushed the fur to the side and did stretching exercises with her legs, slowly and alternately. After some time she carefully sat up and bent over to massage her thighs and calves. A long blonde strand of hair fell into her face. “Oh ...,” she said in surprise and reached behind her head to pull more of her hair forward. She felt and looked at it. “I'd love to know what I look like,” she murmured and then continued to put her plan into action.

Finally she turned and let her legs dangle over the edge of the bed. She stood up, or at least tried to, because her strength was not enough and she sank back onto the bed. But Elsa didn't want to give up so quickly and pulled the wooden stool in front of her to support herself. After two attempts, she finally stood there a little shaky and made a satisfied sound. Then she picked up her clothes and slipped the leather tunic over her head. She touched the material. It was a bit rough, but very soft and felt a bit cool on her skin. She looked at the pants and sat down again to slip them over her legs, slowly stood up again and pulled them up. Everything fit her perfectly. Finally she put on the belt and slipped into the boots. Now she was ready for her first excursion and started to move slowly.

~~~

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Honeymaren had nothing else to do at the moment and therefore shuffled around the camp a bit bored and lost in thought with her head lowered. Unconsciously she took the way towards Elsa's kota. Out of the corner of her eye she noticed how the flap of one of the huts was pressed open. She looked over and couldn't believe her eyes. Elsa stepped straight out and kept herself wobbly on her feet. She looked around curiously and their eyes met. Elsa smiled at her and took a hesitant step forward, but almost fell over and held on to the edge of the entrance just in time. Honeymaren did not hesitate for a second and rushed to her to help.

“Careful, you're still too weak and you might hurt yourself in the fall. Let me help you.” She took Elsa's hand and put one arm around her shoulder to support her.

“Thank you. I just couldn't stand it in there anymore and had to try to get out.”

“I can understand that. I guess that's what I'd do. Although ... nothing like that has ever happened to me, so I don't know what ...” She bit her lip.

Elsa looked at her and said, “All right, it hasn't happened to me either ... I think.” She put on a crooked smile.

Honeymaren nodded, looked down at her and then smiled and said, “The Northuldra clothes look pretty good on you.”

“Thanks. It feels very comfortable too. What's your name anyway?”

“I'm Honeymaren.”

They looked into each other's eyes for a moment. “We know each other, right? I'm sorry if I can't remember anything about it.”

Honeymaren felt her heartbeat accelerate. Before all this happened to her, Elsa had always been so distant, almost unapproachable, and with her task as Fifth Spirit, she had rarely been seen in camp lately. Now would actually be the perfect opportunity to change this. But was she allowed to do that? It would amount to a lie. She hesitated.

“Yes, we know each other ... quite well.”

Elsa briefly squeezed Honeymaren's hand and sighed, “I hope I'll be able to remember this soon. Will you help me to look around a bit and explore everything? I am very curious.”

“I'd love to. I already know where we could go first.”

They walked with slow steps and she helped Elsa to keep her balance. She had never been so close to Elsa before; Honeymaren thought to herself. It was kind of exciting. Before Elsa promised to free the Northuldra from the impenetrable mist wall on that memorable evening, Honeymaren didn't know very much, trapped in this small world. She was born into this world as one of the few children and there were only a handful in her age with whom she could do something. The few of them were playful boys who were either too simple-minded or interested in other things. So she grew up, mostly alone with herself and her thoughts, only with her somewhat jumpy brother Ryder, to whom the reindeer meant more than anything else. Otherwise, it was their leader Yelana who had been her life anchor and she learned a lot from her, especially about the past of her tribe and its values.

At some point they finally reached the edge of the forest and stepped out onto a narrow strip of sand beach bathed in sunlight.

“This is one of the few beautiful places here by the sea, the rest is quite jagged and mostly full of big black pebbles,” Honeymaren said, and led Elsa to a smooth, almost white-washed piece of an old tree trunk that lay half buried in the sand.

They sat down on it and Elsa looked out into the distance. The sun sparkled on the softly rippling waves, which the gentle wind washed up and carried a salty scent. She took a deep breath, laid her head relaxed in the neck and closed her eyes. Honeymaren, on the other hand, did not care about the sea, because she had a completely different view in front of her eyes. She sat so close to Elsa that she could literally feel her and the temptation was great to gently stroke her long light hair. She felt the heat rising inside her, but she was not allowed to rush into anything and instead was content to admire Elsa's features, her light soft skin and the fine hairs on her gently curving neck. She sucked up every little detail and felt lost in time.

So she didn't even realise how Elsa finally opened her eyes again and noticed Honeymaren's behaviour out of the corner of her eye. She turned her head and looked directly at her. “What are you doing?”

Honeymaren took a frightened breath and stammered, “I ... nothing, I ... I was just admiring your long hair. Sorry, Elsa, I ... didn't mean to ...” Her cheeks turned red and her eyes were wide open.

Elsa raised an eyebrow in surprise. “Tell me, Honeymaren, how well did we actually know each other?”

Honeymaren looked down somewhat bashfully, not daring to say anything. She thought feverishly about what she could answer instead. Then she simply changed the subject. She didn't know how Elsa would react and whether it was wise to mention it. Still, now they were sitting here already and the opportunity seemed appropriate.

“I don't know if I should say it ... but I guess sooner or later you'll find out from someone anyway. This is exactly where they found you a few days ago, unconscious and lying half in the water.”

Elsa didn't miss the change of subject, of course, and she wondered about it briefly, but the mention of her accident distracted her and she gazed thoughtfully out at sea.

“I'd love to know what exactly happened to me,” she remarked shortly after.

“Only Ahtohallan knows,” Honeymaren murmured, daring to look up again.

Elsa gave her a questioning look, “Ahtohallan? Who is that?”

“Um ... that's something we should probably talk about another time. Be patient, everything will be fine,” she replied, a bit unsettled, and placed her hand comfortingly on Elsa's arm. She glanced around her. “Dusk is starting to fall, and we should probably start making our way back. Don't want you to miss a root in the woods and trip.” She giggled and Elsa fell in laughing.

Then she stood up and extended a hand to Elsa to help her to her feet. The embarrassing moment from just now was over and Honeymaren was really glad about it. Both of them took one last look at the setting sun on the horizon and Honeymaren let herself be carried away to another remark because of it.

“I somehow knew you would love this place. I often come here myself when no one is around and the fishermen are all out at sea. Then I think about different things and have my peace. It's a really good spot to relax and enjoy nature.

“Yes, you're right, and that moment a minute ago really did me a lot of good. I thank you for it.”

“You're welcome, Elsa,” she replied with a smile.

“Tell me, Honeymaren, is there a creek around here with a quiet spot where you can see a reflection of yourself when you look into it? I'd like to know what I look like.”

Honeymaren looked at her in surprise, “As a matter of fact, yes, there is. Come, I'll take you there.” Honeymaren held out her hand and they both slowly and carefully made their way back.

~~~

Yelana sat on the furs on the floor in her hut and thought for some time. A Northuldra woman who wanted to know something she had sent her away again and said that she didn't have time at the moment and would visit her later. She saw Elsa lying on the beach in front of her eyes, shortly before all the spirits had disappeared and now this description. Of all people by this fisherman, who was known for his stories. But what he told was just too extraordinary this time and it all fitted in with recent events. However, Ahtohallan would never do such a thing, what could be the reason for that.

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Except ... Yelana took a long scarf from one of her leather bags and put one end of it over her knee. Lost in thought, she stroked over the five symbols woven into it and stayed on the one in the middle. She had received this scarf from her mother when she was a child and has taken it out every time she has thought and searched for answers ever since. Maybe she hoped for some comfort and strength after her parents had died long ago. It was not unlike the shawl Queen Anna was carrying at the time, but it had a different colour and, of course, a different pattern on the edge that stood for the family that woven it for their descendants.

The fifth spirit before Elsa died during the events that ultimately trapped the forest for so long. She knew that for sure. But then who was it who had the powers of Ahtohallan and was responsible for all this today? There was no other fifth spirit, that much was certain. Could it be that ... no, that was impossible. Or could it? Could he have had a child? Then who was his mother? Someone in her tribe?

Slowly a certainty was forming in Yelana, one that she did not like at all.

~~~

He sat on the large rocky plateau near the river, far away from any Northuldra dwelling. Nobody dared to come here, because the earth giants slept here and did not like to be woken up. The place was perfectly chosen for his secret whereabouts.

He wore a dark, almost black fur coat, next to him were reindeer antlers, worked into a large fur hood. His eyes were closed, he breathed deeply and calmly in and out, and let his senses wander into the forest. He felt and he saw.

He could read their minds, at least of most of them. It was different from the nature spirits, where he never felt this limitation, but some people were strong-willed and it was as if he had to fight his way through a thick layer of snow. With very few of them he could only feel their emotions and nothing more ... like with this woman from the house of that hateful king, who was responsible for his father's death. Now, decades later, he still could see in his mind's eye that terrible image of how he found his father after the battle was over. As clearly as if it had been only yesterday. He was lying on the ground bleeding and not moving, peppered with half a dozen crossbow arrows.

His father had been his icon and was respected by all Northuldra, but also feared. For he had an ability that until now had only been considered a myth. He could change his shape. Therefore, some of the elders called him reverently Myandash, the reindeer shapeshifter, one of the centuries-old legends of his people. This legend said that his mother was a shaman and witch who could transform into a reindeer and that his father was a real reindeer. While Myandash was inside his tent he was a human, but he transformed as soon as he stepped outside. But the world in which he lived was that of the great reindeer spirit and not the realm of humans.

His father was therefore said to be the descendant of Myandash, who walked and protected among them. He had a great influence on the council of elders and his decisions were always taken seriously. But this was now in the past and he was alone. For decades he had hidden here and lived secluded from those of his people, learning, observing, training all his skills ... and planned his revenge. At least the king from the south was also taken to his death by someone from his tribe. But there were many of them, too many, and he hated them all.

He let his senses wander again and concentrated. Then he found a young Northuldra woman who had quite confusing feelings ... for another woman. He drew the corner of his mouth in disgust, but penetrated deeper into her mind and finally he saw through her eyes, saw what she saw, as clearly as if he would be present beside them ... a beach and that other woman sitting next to her. She was also wearing Northuldra clothes, but something was strange about her and different. Her hair, it was long and ...

He opened his eyes in horror. That couldn't be! How was that even possible? He had killed that blonde bitch, or at least made sure that she was doomed to drown in the dark sea and never appear again. How had she achieved her survival? He cursed. It hadn't been easy to take the magic away from her, or rather to make her forget all of it. It had cost him great effort and many preparations. To let Nokk dissolve under her was a piece of cake. After all, Nokk no longer had any connection to Ahtohallan, neither did the other nature spirits after he managed to establish the mist bell over the glacier.

It was all so well planned. But recently the Spirits had stopped obeying him and he assumed that it was directly related to Ahtohallan. But then he had been able to seize another of the secrets of Ahtohallan's power and outsmarted it. Only in this way had his plan become possible at all.

He would now have to try again. Then just by the conventional way. This time she wouldn't get away from him again, because now she had no magic and he was far superior to her both physically and mentally. It was just too bad that his father couldn't teach him to shape-shift anymore. He had simply been too young for that.

It was time to forge a new plan. One that was deadproof this time ... and he already knew approximately how he would proceed this time. It was time to act.

~~~

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I hope you have enjoyed this chapter! Please leave a comment if you liked the story, I would be pleased to read your opinions, even criticisms. If you want to be tagged as soon I publish the next chapter please let me know.

Credits: Many thanks to HARU (@ xlayers) for the commissioned fantastic fanart!

Tagging: @karma26 @whether-near-to-me-or-far @annaofthenorthernlights @igotelsapregnanthelp

#frozen #frozen2 #frozen3 #fanfic #epic novel #the broken bridge #chapter 05 #bigfrozenfan

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katsutomos · 5 years

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hello, i’m kosmo (she/her) and i’m v excited to be here hehehe! thank u for having me! ;; also i didn’t realise that both kosmo and tomo end the with the same letters & now i wanna d*e but oh well pls ignore that! (: anyw, i’m here introduce TOMO!! there’s probably some stuff i left out here but it ended up having a word count of almost 2.5k so i’m just going to stop myself while i’m ahead! i’ll finish off my stats & bio pages soon and then i’ll try to think up some plots but here’s all this for now!

(tw: suicide mention, brief drug mentions)

BASIC STATS

NAME / tomo katsumura; his full name is tomohiko but nobody calls him that except his mum & grandparents like literally everybody else knows him as tomo NICKNAMES / technically, tomo IS a nickname but he’s so used it that not using a nickname with him is :knife emoji: -- also katsutomo but that one’s more of fan-title-nickname rather than one he actually uses (as much as he came up with it himself tweeting it out like ‘you guys can call me katsutomo from now on if you like ^^’ before changing all his handles to that exact name). other than that, he’s a bit iffy about nicknames. he likes them if HE came up with them but giving him a nickname is usually Yikes City (unless he decides it’s cute and lets u do it, i guess) AGE & DOB / twenty-three & 6th november 1995 BIRTHPLACE / LA, USA ETHNICITY / japanese OCCUPATION / actor! he dabbles in modelling but it’s more of an ‘i got asked to model this thing bc i’m famous and they’re paying me (:’ type deal than it being something he’s actually personally into. whereas acting is his PASSION.

EARLY LIFE

to start with, let’s talk about his parents; his dad, born and raised in america, was an actor who eventually made a move into directing but ultimately committed suicide at age 38 & his mother, born and raised in japan, is a socialite who had started off as a teen idol in the 80s. his parents had also divorced when tomo was still young, a few years before his dad’s death, so he uses his mother’s surname. tomo does not get on with her but, thanks to the sense of guilt she’s raised into him, he can’t bring himself to cut her out of his life completely.

basically, she’s got hang ups about the way her idol career ended so she kind of pushed tomo into the spotlight (which was fine for him because he wanted to act) but she grew envious of him after he got out of his teens and doesn’t like the decisions he makes. it’s a mutual issue. they mostly don’t get on because they can’t see eye to eye or really speak to each other at length without arguing.

his mum actually wanted him to break into acting when he was about nine because he’d already taken an interest in it by then. because her career had ended early, she took the approach of ‘he won’t be cute forever, what if we wait too long and he loses his chance?’ but his father, who had his own issues with the industry, strongly disagreed. this disagreement was one small contributing factor for their divorce; they had plenty of other issues as well but this didn’t help. their compromise was that tomo could wait until he was in his teens and this deal was mostly held up because tomo thought it was wrong to break a promise with a dead guy.

to be clear though, he’d probably have issues with his dad too if he were still alive (and he’s not exactly super fond of him as it is; he doesn’t hate him but he doesn’t like being asked about being his son). he was kind of a shit husband and, if it weren’t for the fact he didn’t see tomo as often as he’d like, he’d probably be a pretty distant father as well. his work was pretty much his main priority and he had a lot of personal issues that he took out on other people.

tomo grew up in LA for the most part but also spent a lot of time in japan, mostly jumping between osaka, where his mother’s family lived, and tokyo, where his mother’s friends and connections & his father’s extended family lived. the family stopped travelling quite as much after his father’s death and tomo’s reaching high school age. he grew up bilingual.

CAREER

he started acting professional when he was 16, mostly with a few smaller tv roles but he had good connections and was able to get a small but still substantial role in the film directed by a friend of his dad. his big break came at age 18 when he landed a leaded a role in the main cast of high school drama. it was exciting at first, being on tv and being famous, but he hated both the show and his character so the whole thing got tired fast. he wasn’t allowed to quick so he went out of his way to get himself fired. there’s a whole story behind that but i’ll leave that for the bio hehehe! (he wanted his character to get killed off bc he thought it’d be fun to act out but they wouldn’t let him do that ): boooo)

one of his biggest issues with the tv show was that he didn’t like being sold as a product / character that wasn’t anything like him. he hated being shown off as this squeaky clean teen heartthrob type and not being allowed to have his own emotions & tastes. he found it mentally exhausting and, since then, he’s had a lot of issues dealing with the contrast between how he is as a person and how he’s seen by the media. he tries not to admit it but he’s terrified of being swallowed up by what other people think of of him and losing track of himself in the process. it’s made him a little paranoid.

since then, he’s avoided tv as much as possible. he prefers working on films in general but he finds the idea of playing the same character for too long incredibly unappealing. he enjoys taking on new roles and absorbing himself in that character & sometimes to the point of bordering on obsession so playing the same role not only plays into his fears of people seeing him as someone he’s not (i.e; whatever character it is) but he’s also scared of seeing HIMSELF the wrong way. he needs the separation.

tomo likes working on indie films or more artistic/niche studio films most of all. the promotion cycle isn’t as intensive and the characters tend to appeal to him more. he has appeared in a few blockbuster-type films but mostly because his bosses have pushed him into it or he’s had to taken on a multiple film contract with a studio in order to land a role he really wanted. (he once got int trouble for calling his own character in a blockbuster a ‘dumb bitch’ on twitter)

the bratpack article had a pretty heavy impact on him. it kinda just spoke to all of his worst fears of not really being a Real Person or being Sold A Certain Way. he wanted to get away from it without having to actually stop working because it’s the one thing that really keeps him stable. his eventual means of escape was a role in a japanese film. he’s been living in japan since then, having moved there to specifically hunt out a film to work on, to get used to the japanese industry/prepare himself and then get to filming. he’s come to milan straight from tokyo, not having seen any of the other brats in person during that time, but he’s had time to relax. sort of.

PERSONALITY

for the most part, tomo’s a friendly and energetic guy! (living up to his name a lil bit here bc tomo can mean ‘friend’ in japanese hehehe) when he’s at his best, he’s great company. he likes to stand out in a crowd, has a winning smile and enjoys a little bit of attention but also knows when to step back and look out for other people. he likes to play as hard as he works. the trouble is that, when things aren’t going well and he’s distressed, he tends to collapse in on himself. behaviour that seemed playful before looks straight up stupid and reckless instead. he’ll avoid attention but get frustrated because he craves it and do more reckless shit for attention. yet he’s pretty good at pretending shit’s fine, he’s still weirdly positive for a guy who feels all messed up — maybe he gets away with it because he’s a good actor. tomo has good days and bad days but there’s little warning as to which is which. it wasn’t always this way; it’s like something has broken his spirit. (i copied this from my app but asdghgsdf)

that’s why his archetype is The Contradiction,,,bc he doesn’t make any fuckin sense, woooeee! he’s this very bouncy, upbeat person and he likes having fun but he’s not really a very positive person in terms of outlook. he’s too high energy! his general vibe is everything’s going to shit but i’m going to have a good time anyway :D

actually, on that note...he IS :D

he doesn’t like crying in front of people which is rough bc he’s v emotional all the time. he’s a total crybaby when he’s drunk. if you drink with him, there WILL be a point at which you have to scoop him up off the floor because he’s found something over which to start weeping. OR he’ll end up calling you to panic about how he can’t find his way home, only for him to realise like 5 minutes later he’s phoning you from the steps outside his apartment building.

the kind of guy who can have a full-on breakdown in his room by himself and then just reappear & ask u if u wanna go for ice cream or smth bc he’s bored. like ok that’s done with, that already happened. it’s over.

anyw he’s always willing to give ppl advice if they’re feeling stuck. it’s not always great advice bc he’s basically shit at dealing with stuff himself. he’s not one of these ppl who gives great advice but can’t follow it himself, he’s more...he gives advice bc he’d feel bad if he didn’t TRY so the advice itself definitely varies in quality. he means well though.

don’t watch funny films with him because he will do one of either things; 1) not find it funny and sit through the whole thing like : | or 2) he’ll find it so funny that he’ll end up on the floor at some point. there’s no in between. it’s all or nothing with this fucker.

he really likes cute shit. he’s rich so there’s nothing stopping him from buying those overpriced limited edition hello kitty goods.

let’s not talk about how he enjoys acting bc it’s an escape where he can be Somebody Else but he can’t cope with himself being promoted as something that doesn’t feel like Tomo. that’s its own mess. i’m p sure he’d just unravel if anybody said anything about it.

OTHER STUFF

his hair is currently bright red. it’s a recent change but he was like ‘uhhhh if i’m going on this trip, i’m making a visual statement’ and that was that. he likes to go for more interesting colours when he’s not filming anything because it’s the only time he really gets to. i mean, he still has dyed hair in a lot of his films but it’ll usually be brown or blonde or something else more ‘realistic’.

tomo cares a LOT about the way he dresses and styles himself. he’ll probably complain if he has to do a promo/magazine shoot and he doesn’t like the outfit he’s been given. it doesn’t actually help him half the time and he just gets told to shut up but it’s the PRINCIPLE of it !!!!!!!!

he posts on his finsta probably way too often but that’s because his public social media is pretty filtered, given that he’s caused fusses on social media before. there have been multiple cases of him having to delete tweets and instagram posts because somebody in charge decided he was pushing the limit just a little too much and, granted, most of it wouldn’t be seen as risky (bc it’s mostly utterly pointless stuff that gets flagged up as risky, e.g; ‘i need to pee and i can’t find a bathroom. death is coming for me.’) if he hadn’t publicly complained about the tv show that made him famous several times on twitter but he did do that so, y’know, he’s seen as a liability. the unfortunate outcome of this is that his finsta story is often littered with fairly inane thoughts.

he’s not very good at watching himself in films. it depends on the film and he can do it but uhhhh let’s just say he once watched the one horror film he was in at the cinema (and didn’t like most of it bc he’s a wuss about that sort of thing) but he laughed during his own death scene. there were tears in his eyes. real tears.

he doesn’t like dating because...well, he likes the IDEA of it but he’s the type to really fall for someone and BASICALLY? he’s scared of being dumped! he’s a bright & appealing personality with just enough edge to balance it out but he’s a bit of an emotional screwball and getting people interested is easier than keeping them interested, leading to mixed experiences with dating so he’s settled for sleeping around a little instead. oh well, whatever works! (does it actually work? shhhh it’s a secret...)

he’s very much involved in the party scene, whatever country he’s in. it’s not something he talks about much (privately, i mean, bc DUH he doesn’t say it publicly) but he doesn’t exactly avoid drugs in anyway (code for...yeah, he’s done stuff). it’s all casual, he says, but he still does it. he does smoke cigarettes though and he’s a little dependent on that.

also i guess he got involved in that kinda thing deliberately because he wants to distance himself from the clean-cut, shiny heartthrob pretty boy image as much as possible. eventually, it just became a natural way of de-stressing and dealing with the constant frustration of his career. the unfortunate consequence of that is that he’s now got a bit of a Bad Boy/Wild Child image and he’s not entirely sure he likes that either. (the shift in image also means that some journalists will talk about him as though he’s ‘gone off the rails’ and, yeah, he hates that as well)

#bratsintro #ok i kept trying to review this to make sure everything's in order but iM...SICK OF READING IT SO hopefully it's fine as is ASDFGHGF #i feel like my eyeballs are gonna fall out if i look at this any longer so im just gonna hit post and tell myself to shut upASDFGHG #i think there's some stuff i forgot to put in here that WAS in the app so i might just put a link to it on my blog somewhere #except i forgot to save the final version of the app i actually sent so i CAN'T REMEMBER

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bardovelho · 5 years

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3rd Habitversary in 2019

Today , April 14th, I celebrate my 3rd year Habitversary. The second one was skipped, forgotten along with all my tasks and Habitica itself, by the time I was experiencing my longest, hardest, and most teaching burnout of my Habitican life!

I learned that burnouts happen to me when I take too much pressure on myself and have too many difficult Dailies that I can't face. So, I faced not a single one instead of trying to do the best that I can, by avoiding Habitica almost completely. The magical key to break this bad vicious cycle is to Rest in the Inn WHILE doing the Dailies that I feel like doing, with no pressure. Then, I will only leave the Inn when I'm able to reach one Perfect Day, maybe 3 to make sure. This way, I'll still be leveling up, building motivation, but with no stress. Because Habitica is not about adding all the tasks that I can remember and doing as much as (im)possible; it's a tool to build motivation, which will generate progressive productivity. It can be like a muscle\battery of will power (as I read in The Power Of Habit), if well designed and oiled.

The (other) problem is that I'm now noticing that each task is unique, and it only stays without change when I don't evolve in it. So, it's a good thing to constantly adapt (at least, the most important) tasks title and description accordingly to my evolutions and consequent adaptation of new techniques that I'm building. This means that I need, with great awareness, to periodically check if each task is working as it should, and edit it accordingly to how it should be right now, specially Dailies and Habits. I'm thinking about adding a monthly revision about this. Adding monthly summaries instead of only the weekly ones helps a lot, too.

I'm now facing 20 dailies and more, the double of what I could do in the past, and challenging my comfort zone every day, without breaking the Perfect Day streak (I'm amazed with myself every day!). The Big Mountain of ToDo's is still to be conquered, but I'm managing it slowly: I'm using a dedicated Trello board to manage this, but it needs a serious update.

Priority monsters of the past (that is, during 1st Habitversary): I'm getting much better with my passive-aggressive behavior (thanks to a dedicated Habit), and avoiding conflict like a stealth ninja. But the world is a mess, so I'll still find opportunities for better training. I'm also understanding others better, but there will be always room for improvement on this topic. Plus, I'm building positivity and optimism behavior. These all might look like simpler things nowadays, but after reading my 1st Habitversary, I noticed how I was really struggling with these. Evolving on these issues made my life significantly better.

Tools: Forest has become a game changer for my Pomodoro Technique: I now have a tree code: Starry Tree and Rainbow Flower - Frogodoro (priorities) Moon Tree and Ghost Mushroom - Work after midnight Cactus and Ball Cactus - Avoiding priorities, but working Scarecrow and Pumpkin - Procrastinating Treehouse, Rafflesia - Domestic tasks (previously Habitica Tasks) Nest - Nap Ginkgo and Sunflower- Professional Wisteria - Writing, paperwork Mushroom - Plan Still working on it (specially the tags), but these ones will probably stay. The rooms are specially motivating, since I can invite someone else to work at the same time as me, helping me to share the burden and avoid laziness. I have now a LOT of Forest friends, and I'm very happy that some of those are Habiticans. Some conclusions: The 1st Pomodoro of the day is always the hardest. Frogodori make the day easier and easier. Habitica public challenges improve my Pomodoro dedication.

Duolingo is my go to App to start learning a language, and I'm in a streak with more than 100 consecutive days. Anki is now also used for affirmations: very useful! Trello is used for several projects that involve several tasks, and I find this very organizing, especially when I add specific quality tags to each board. IFTTT adds some cards. RescueTimer is still running on the background, but I haven't checked it for months. OneNote has more detailed notes about how I play Habitica: after this big burnout I struggled a lot to remember what each symbol and task meant, so now I have a dedicated section with everything that I'm doing regarding game mechanics (plus extra notes from specific tasks), because I can't trust my memory every time. Stylish is my permanent eye saver companion when using Habitica site (added some personal styles too), and the Chrome\Firefox extension Dark Mode (#4 (pitch dark)) is very useful, also. WunderList is not perfectly configured and I'm lazy to make it work, but will probably be using it again. Productivity Challenger and Toggl are the only two tools that I stop using since my last celebrated Habitversary.

Future ideas (brainstorming): Hard Mode: Forest in Hard Mode (every second I lose a little bit of focus, a tree dies). Try first: tree dies after 2nd or 3rd distraction. Wardrobe limits: Thinking about paying GP + a negative medium Habit every time I want to change a piece of battle equipment. I'm always using the best equipment for the best Habitica points, and because now I can beat this strategy, it's probably making the game too easier, and less dynamic. Timeclock: if I don't do a Daily by x hour or x hours after waking up, press a specific negative Habit. Offline experiment: Going back to Wunderlist, or use another extension that syncs to Habitica Dailies (shouldn't be Habits because they don't have 21 streaks). Try other extensions to improve game mechanics, automation and time spent on managing Habitica tasks. I need to reduce the time that I spent with habit tracking: although it's giving me great results, it's also probably consuming more energy and time than it should, I suspect.

Other notes: Depression and anxiety still attack from time to time, but now I have tasks and list of routines that I can do to prevent and recover from it faster than ever before, and healthier! Adding the Morning and Go To Bed Ritual is being very difficult, so instead of risking to lose the Perfect Day streak, I prefer to use my second account to get familiar and test this new routine. I inserted a limiting cheat system for Dailies: to skip a Daily, I have to pay 100 GP for each 1000 GP that I own, I can't do this more than 3 times per day, I also have to press 3 negative habits, and a £ marker needs to be added as a checklist item. A Daily cannot have more than 3 £ markers, and every time I want to remove a marker, I have to pay the same penalty as before. This makes me delay the Daily (and pay a penalty) instead of really skipping it, and if a Daily has 3 markets then I know that I really have to spend special focused time on it! I also added a -£ option, for when I do twice as much of that Daily than I should on that day. This helps me to keep doing my daily goals around the time that they need to be done, instead of EXACTLY at the time they need to be done. It brings more flexibility to the daily routines, and helps me to not avoid them, because I delay them instead of skipping them. It also makes me be focused on several Pomodori for a specific task instead of a single one per day.

I'm now (30/04/2019, updating and revising this text) on my 3rd Adventure, at level 103. I'll make a better resume of this 3rd Adventure In the beginning of next month.

P.S.: I just now realized that I haven't published the Report of my second adventure yet! So that's why I was delaying this Habitversary update… Oh well, I have to deal with it next month too. More to come!!

#Habitica #Habitversary #EN

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