#and here i am now in college crying about not being seventeen
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december 17, 2023
dear tumbr,
finals are over and i have an abundant amount of time to just get lost in my own mind. i spent the whole day cleaning my bathroom for fuck's sake.
life since the last update has been full of complete ups and downs but i kinda want to focus on my emotional shit right now because thats the thing im struggling the most with.
so ive always been a huge mess emotionally. change is something i struggle with really bad too. my mom stayed home with me until pre-school where it was decided that I needed to go so that my separation anxiety could have a chance to get better. it was hard. going to school continued to be hard for me until the third or fourth grade, long past when it was normal. i would cry when i would get dropped off for the first week or two but the older i got the more ashamed i became of crying. it wasn't normal but i couldn't help it, i would try to stop it but i couldn't. i could only try to hide it to the best of my ability. my emotions were to sensitive according to those around me. being sensitive shouldn't be a bad thing but the word 'sensitive' is frequently used as an insult. i internalized it. i didn't let myself show anything that could be construed as weakness past the fifth grade. it helped. once people stopped seeing a reaction they were less likely to pick on me. this has lasted to nineteen. i have become uncomfortable showing any emotion that is unguarded to others, even those who i desperately want to be able to show how much i love them and that i know want to know when i'm not doing well.
i've taken to experiencing my emotions in private. the dull ache of yearning for connection and the pressing weight of the worlds standards and wanting to be better. i want to be better. better in both in terms to my health, mental and physical, and for those around me. i fear i don't do enough. i don't want to be clingy or rather i don't want to be seen as clingy. i know i'm clingy, i alway have been. but my clingy nature has made me scared that i'm annoying. i don't want to be annoying. i don't want to give anyone a reason to leave.
i'm scared to show sides of myself that are unsavory. especially with clar. the more of myself i show him, the more reasons i give him to leave. at the same time, i want him to know me, in my entirety. its almost like i want him to have all the information before he makes a decision. i truly don't know what keeps him with me. he has done nothing but support me and i've been a complete mess for the past month. i try to pull it together but i don't want to lie. i don't lie to him. that's one vow i've told myself is that i wont lie to him. i don't know why he's with me though, its the one thing i can't wrap my head around. i don't know why he reached out in february about valentines day. i don't know why he reached out in march. i just don't know what is appealing. don't get me wrong, i'm glad he did. i love him. but he could do so much better than me. he could have someone who isn't like this.
anyway, it's christmas time i shouldn't be sad.
i've been crying for two hours now, i cant think straight about what i want to write about.
tldr; i'm insecure and mentally unwell. i hate who i have become.
kat out <3
#i saw a post about not being seventeen and i spiraled#i thought about how two years ago this time i was seventeen#i was two months from getting diagnosed with cancer#i was entertaining someone who was only interested in my body#and using me to get over her ex#and here i am now in college crying about not being seventeen#and my mental health is in shambles#and im constantly insecure#and im dating the most amazing man that i dont deserve#started spiraling after finally putting everything related to clar and i's relationship in a box#im going to decorate it later once i get my paint!#its going to be cute isgt#i hate overthinking
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Ok so my hyper fixation on aphmau has sparked u again, I've decided to share my little Au with the world because my friends are getting tired of hearing about a minecraft roleplay from... oh god it's been that long? Jeez.
Anyway here is what I'm changing about the base cannon of mystreet before I throw in any crazy AUs like Ein being a decent person and living with Aph and Sylvanna during S2 of PDH or mystreet Dante getting stuck in MCD when everyone ditched him.
So I don't know I can fit my whole four years worth of brain rot in one post so we are going to start with the big blaring walking red flag himself Aaron.
What needs to change?
So so muck For starters, apparently, Aphmau needed to listen to sylvannas internet safety lectures a bit more because SHE STILL GIVES A STRANGER HER ACTUAL PHONE NUMBER!!! Sorry sorry this is a post about Aaron not how nieve aphmau is.
Anyway the guys 18 and is dating aphmau who is probably 14/15. This guy is going off to college in a year and aphmau still talks her stuffed cat and hides in a closet before her first day of high school.
Also at first I defended Aaron becouse I thought he just didn't know how old she was when they were strangers texting each other but they have a whole conversation about how nervous she is ABOUT HER FIRST DAY OF HIGH SCHOOL! Sorry again 😔 but if I was Aaron and I found out that the person I was talking to was actually a young girl who was probably fourteen or fifteen (younger actually since they've known each other and have been texting for atleast a couple months) and knowing that I am seventeen or eighteen would break it off and probably unfriend them not keep texting them about it and then start to ask them to reveal there real name.
Then there's the whole like ultima thing I know it wasn't actually written in until like season 4 of mystreet but I have a question 🤔 if darek knew what kind of life was in store for his son having the curse if he feels so bad about having to isolate his son if he knew the curse is a possibility why have him? Why risk have biological children? Or why not stop after milisasa since for some reason the curse only effects the males of a blood line. (You're telling Me the lycan family has never had an all female generation? Is the curse just dormant in females?) I'm changing that we need to change dark put him on the list right above Sylvanna but under KC.
There's also like why are you the alpha of the werewolf pack? Like I get it in highschool but after in season five? You don't know anything about the culture and Daniel ran the highschool pack for four years you don't have to be the alpha now? I genuinely think that was from Jason wanting his self insert to be the ' powerful hot alpha oc trademark do not steal'
So how an I gonna fix this?
Well we are going to start with Aaron's age, He's aphmaus age or well hes sixteen but so were Garothand Laurence. Plane and simple hes sixteen hes a softmore who was homeschooled is life becouse of his secret ultima curse. He does switch schools temporarily for S2 of PHD becouse dark was worried about how frequently Aaron was loosing control and how he still hadn't had a grasp on the curse, I'm gonna get to that hold tight.
That leads me into my next fix how Aph and Aaron met! They were put in the same online schooling class because Rachel is a bissness major, and Sylvanna is the type of mom to make you cry when she helps you study for your spelling bee (she loves her daughter but she does not have enogh patients to be a teacher.) Anyway they meet in the online class and find out they're both into the same things including a popular Online game and being lonely homeschooled kids latch onto each other, (I would imagine that Aaron went under a different name for the homeschooling program since he can't have the media tracking him down or asking questions y'know?) Then once they get to the age were they have phones reluctantly trade Instagram (aph made a separamount. Just for talking to Aaron and not posting pics because her mom follows her mian and Aaron makes his very first acount and only follows aph who goes by Shu on that account.)
Now to fix the lycann family.
Let's start with the curse, like I said makes no sense as to why Dark still had kids with Rachel biological when he Knew what his kids would go through. So the ultima curse effects all offspring male or female and it isn't usually as strong as Aaron's. In my head not being able to control there eyes was grown out of around five years old to seven years old and then there eyes stop turning red without wanting them to they still pose the danger it's just not that hard to control. It's like potty training they learn as they grow up. But for whatever reason Aaron never really grew out of the uncontrollable eyes thing, infact they were almost always red when he was young. This scared Darek who grew up on these stories about what will happen to them if the curse is ever discovered in they're family blood line, (which is why they still hide that they're werewolves.)
Aaron lived his life in solitude while millisa got to go out and experience the world she got to go the boarding schools in Germany and go with mom and dad on they're business trips while he stayed in they're house in falcon claw with either one of his parents or trusted staff. (This is not how millisa sees it BTW but we'll talk about her later.
I hope you enjoyed my brain dump.
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my house of stone, your ivy grows - yoongi x reader
chapter seventeen
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summary: yoongi carried himself with a sense of pride within himself and his belongings. he worked hard to get to where he was- ethically or not, it made him the man he is today. his latest toy, a young college girl from america, will become his magnum opus. he just needs to work out the kinks.
tags/warnings: mafia au, kidnapping, daddy dom!yoongi, smut, autistic!reader, spanking, stockholm syndrome, little!jimin, vminhope, drug mention, namjin, fluff, domestic discipline
taglist: @allamericanuniverse @llallaaa, @frieschan
The living room had been magically transformed into a large pillow fort by noon. Extra white bedsheets hung from the backs of chairs and couches, enclosing the homemade blanket nest on the floor. To make things even more magical, Seokjin added string lights to the mix, which twinkled brightly once the curtains were closed. Inside the fort sat Jimin, Kiwo, Jungkook, and Taehyung, all four eating their lunch while watching Doraemon.
It had been a chaotic morning- Kiwo and Jimin were purposely bothering and annoying each other, as well as the others with their near-constant whining and crying. Once 11 am hit, everyone agreed that the two littles would need a nap to survive the rest of the day.
The pillow fort, however, had been Taehyung’s idea.
“Okay, it’s nap time now.” Hoseok entered the fort to retrieve the empty dishes, smiling at the sight of the youngest four curled up in their pile of blankets. Jimin and Kiwo lay the furthest apart, with Jungkook right next to Kiwo and Taehyung next to Jimin. Taehyung and Jimin were already fast asleep, and Kiwo could barely keep her eyes open, only motivated to stay awake by the cartoon.
“Kookie, are you taking a nap too?” Hoseok chuckled slightly- Jungkook rarely ever did things with the littles, but would always oblige the two in their activities.
“No, I’m going to get up after this episode.”
”Okay. Just turn the channel after so Kiwo will fall asleep.”
A small groan came from Kiwo at the mention of turning off her show. She wasn’t even tired, she thought, fighting to keep her eyes open.
Keeping to his word, Jungkook moved to leave the pillow fort once the credits began to roll. He reached onto the couch for the remote and changed the channel.
The news showed a scene from a river excavation- a body had been discovered in the Han River. Jungkook watched silently as more details were revealed.
“The body is beyond unrecognizable, but with the belongings and clothes it was found with police believe the body to belong to missing college student Kiwo Louise-”
Jungkook looked over at Kiwo, completely alive and well, and currently asleep.
“Kiwo,” Jungkook shook the girl gently. She hummed in response, her eyes still closed but still listening.
“I was just curious about something…” Jungkook started, unsure of where to begin. He took a moment before continuing. “Do you… like it here?”
”Mm. ‘m used to it.” Kiwo mumbled out, not entirely conscious and aware of the question.
Jungkook thought about what she said for a moment. Kiwo being used to the situation is not the same thing as her liking it. They had simply just grown on her.
“Do you wanna go home?”
“Yeah…” Kiwo had no hesitation in her voice as she quickly responded. She muttered something else after, but Jungkook couldn’t exactly comprehend what she had said. He was too taken aback by the sudden pit in his stomach.
Kiwo wanted to leave. She didn’t want to be there. And in Jungkook’s mind, it was all his fault. He was the reason why Kiwo’s world had completely changed, and the reason why she is suffering. She had family and friends back in America, who now all believe she had died while abroad. Jungkook had facilitated that, too.
Finding another American girl that looked like Kiwo was easy- so was taking out her teeth and burning her fingerprints. The Han River’s waters had decomposed her body to hell, eliminating any defining features the other girl had. Throwing Kiwo’s belongings in with the body was the only identifying evidence.
Jungkook stood up and turned off the television.
#bts fanfic#yoongi x reader#min yoongi#mafia au#bts little space#kim namjoon#kim seokjin#jung hoseok#park jimin#kim taehyung#jeon jungkook#bts#vminhope#namjin#my house of stone your ivy grows
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ruination
After spending all day crying, screaming, and punching an old friend in the face, Will is more exhausted than he’s ever been.
Actually, that’s not true. Will was much more exhausted when he was seventeen, after he and Lucy brough baby Elenore home from the hospital. She just couldn’t get used to how loud the world was, how cold. And maybe she never got used to it because if it weren’t for her impulsivity, her emotions, her desire to be held and loved and cared for, none of them would be here now.
This afternoon, Elenore told Will and Lucy that she’s pregnant. What’s more, she’s planning to keep it, which still knocks the wind out of Will’s lungs. He could hardly believe it when Lucy decided to have Elenore, but Elenore having a baby herself? Will thought she would have learned from their awkward, exhausted example. He keeps thinking he could change her mind, but he knows it’s not his place. Besides, he thinks he’ll like being a young grandfather. He can run around the park and dance around the floor in ways that the other grandfathers couldn’t dream of.
That doesn’t make it any easier.
When he closes his eyes, he pictures Elenore with her life around her ankles. Sure, she’s older than he and Lucy were when they had her, but not by much. Elenore is twenty-one, and if she has this baby in March, she’ll still be a month away from twenty-two. She’s a young twenty-one, too, what with her sense of humor and flair for the dramatic. She’ll be a fun mom, that’s for certain. But Will can’t stop sighing. There’s something so selfishly awful about watching the little girl you raised to be careful, to be responsible, to be confident within herself, choose exactly the path you wished she wouldn’t. There was supposed to be more for her. College wasn’t supposed to bring about the ruination of her life.
The problem is that he said those last few things out loud, not long after Elenore worked up the courage to tell the truth. She turned bright red and cried harder than she did when she was a brand-new baby. Said she couldn’t believe he couldn’t see it from her side. Him, she said, of all people.
How could you say I’m ruining my life? she asked. How dare you say my baby will ruin my life? Did I ruin yours?
Will’s breath hitches just thinking about it.
Of course Elenore didn’t ruin his life. She changed it. She made it. Anything he could have been without her was for naught. Will was meant to be Elenore’s dad, and everything after that was because of it.
Elenore was supposed to be anyone she wanted to be. Not who her parents made her. Not her teachers. Not Charlie in the middle of a too-early midlife crisis. Leave it to Charlie to become middle-aged well before he’s supposed to. It was always like he couldn’t wait to have five o’clock shadow and a habit of drinking during the day.
The problem is that he said those things out loud, too.
Oh, Daddy, Elenore pleaded with him. Don’t you see? I’m doing this because I am who I want to be.
Will could cry. And before Lucy comes back into the bedroom, he does. Just a little.
This is not the ruination of their lives. Nothing ever is. Not Lucy’s teenage pregnancy, not Sam’s death, not what happened between Elenore and Charlie. This will not ruin Elenore’s life, and it will not ruin his. Not now. Not ever.
It will change it.
It will make it.
(part of @nosebleedclub september challenge -- day x!)
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To Twelve, Fourteen, and Seventeen Year Old Morgan, From Morgan Some Time Later (older and a little wiser)
This poem/message to my younger self has implied themes of mental health struggles and s/h. Please do not read it if those things are upsetting or triggering to you. Stay safe, please
Give yourself more credit for how much you’ve grown, I know it’s hard to credit yourself, but do it just this one time
I know where you are at twelve years old. You are angry, angry at yourself. Angry at the world and the people in it
You walk around with a perpetual scowl on your face and people like to pick fights with you, and you don’t know how to ignore them
You can’t, you can’t ignore the teasing and the threats and the distain on people’s faces when you walk into a room
You can’t ignore your own mother saying that you’re [redacted] and that you’re lazy and not trying hard enough and that you shouldn’t be surprised that girls don’t want to hang out with you
But you pushed on, and for that I am proud of you
I know where you are at fourteen years old. You are terrified and your heart feels like it is filled with sand. It is so heavy with the love for a girl who you cannot have (a girl who you don’t even stay friends with for that long, but a crush is still a crush that hits you hard)
Your heart is heavy and you do things that you shouldn’t
You think too much about riding your wobbly bike when the mail truck comes and you pull a cruelly ironic Dear Evan Hansen pin off of your backpack and you don’t tell a soul and your mother’s sweatshirt has seams that are unforgiving
You hold that girl’s hand in the hallway and you deny any accusations and you slam your balled-up fists against the porcelain girl’s bathroom sink until they are hot; you splash cold water on your face and lie about sleep in your eyes or your hand being asleep or allergies making your eyes water and you’ve got math class to go to
But somehow, Morgan, you pushed on, and for that I am proud of you
I know where you are at seventeen years old. You are confused and you think you’re on top of the world. You think you’ve found love but love is brutal and it hurts, and you cry yourself to sleep and feel like a whore and talk about marriage and you dread the day that you can get married
You are in the dark and Winter is cold; you are alone and you hide in the bathroom to cry and you aren’t allowed to eat in the library so you deal with that ache in your stomach and dust yourself off to go home after school
You’re told to resort to old painful habits and that everything is wrong with you; that you’re a pussy and that you cause all the pain in the world and that you’ll never be loved because you’re an ugly bulldog who people just pity
But by some miracle, you pushed through. You are still here and for that, I am incredibly proud of you
You are nineteen now. You have good friends, you are in college and you want to be a writer. You are loved, really loved and it has never hurt. Love does not hurt. You are held softly in a sweet girl’s hands and they worry for you and praise you and she wants you to be happy ultimately. Her words are like a soft kiss to your forehead that you’ve needed all along but thought you didn’t deserve
You do deserve it, you deserve the softness that you are given
You’re life isn’t perfect, you still have problems and bad days where your mind is warped and you don’t know up from down or what is truth and what is deception
But you pushed through and you continue to push through, and for that I am proud of you. I am infinitely proud of you
#a poem about growth#this is me reflecting on growth and trauma that I really try to repress#but I can’t run from it forever#I have to face it and this is one way of doing it#vent poem#self love poem#tw self harm#tw suicide#all implied but can still be triggering#i am proud of myself#for how far I’ve come
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xo, kitty : episode 1
i love how they're trying to make this about kitty wanting to know about her mom and culture but she literally keeps condensing the entire discussion to : i get to see dae 🤩 (she's just like me fr)
also they're agreeing to it so quickly???
the acting or editing for the first 5 minutes is kinda all over the place like give me something to hold onto, it's just happening ???
i see the author !!!!
help something about the way this show is shot up until this point is making it weird and dull. my girl kitty deserves better but i guess it'll get brighter and better once she gets to Korea.
seventeen hot !!!
although the girl who said wow! and drew our attention to this guy in the first place sounded so disinterested lmaoooo 🤣🤣🤣 stopped looking at him too
the way her dad and his girlfriend (?) did not even show a little bit of emotion like they were just like aaaah okay ! go to Korea babe !!! like omg at least cry, hug and drop her to the airport !!! there was so much emotion in the first movie just to drop Margo at college and them to school. 💀
first kiss at KISS
i love that the title card is super pink and pretty and cherry blossomy because up until this point it has only been BLUE (imagine Halsey singing here)
I'm so easy to bag lmao they played telepathy by BTS and i smiled so wideee
she has so little luggage but honestly slay. how is she doing everything on her own 😭😭😭
ofc she recognises her bus that she's missing right away. not to be realistic but the way i'd just be lost and confused for the first 50 minutes 💀
they're just throwing songs a little too fast at us like woah let every song shine !!!
fully forgot that I had a bowl of ice cream with me and now it's liquid.
transitioned from baam to blackpink but you know what this was actually fun!
also colours !!! finally colours. thankyou Korea 🙏
the way i cannot concentrate on anything but this that pink venom 💃 this that pink venom 💃
the rich girl is not the classic rich kid mean and cold and terrifying like kdramas yet
ofc my girl kitty got hit by a car she's been having a hard day 😭💀
lmfao her lying on the road is a little hilarious, someone paint this
bar is on the floor but the rich girl getting out of the car makes me already feel a little positively about her
lmao the driver being #real. be careful while crossing the roads besties !
she's offering kitty a ride!
Yuri heard the ' i'm here to surprise him and he has no idea i moved here' and is giving her the exact look that we all did when we heard her
my girl kitty has 0 boundaries but she also already has friend so
the songs in this show up until now just play out of NOWHERE
are they both dating Dae
I love how American this show lowkey feels 💀
his eyes are sparkling !!!
this show is straight out of wattapad
my girl Yuri is being interrogated for possibly having a girlfriend. support yuri initiative increases to 100%. she calls her dad daddy, it reduces by 13%.
Yuri's mother serving a little like i love her voice. ofc she's in Kitty's mom's album. KITTY no don't walk over to her already 😭😭😭 oh drama
I am 100% distracted by these beds, WHY do they look so cool 😭😭😭 although I'd be scared of falling off
the voiceover needs to be a little louder for me personally but I think we're about to get a montage !!! (ignore my ramblings a little i keep waiting for the rom com moments to jump out)
KITTY IS THAT A DYSON
she looks so cute !!! the hair !!! let me ignore the neon sleeves
wait is this actually happening or is she in a dream sequence rn this was so random 💀 give me a little blur all eyes focused on you moment
wait that actually happened ??? they weren't even THAT excited
now where did Yuri come from 💀
oh this is deadass not a dream sequence
Yuri is not dating Julianna, Yuri rating now drops to 13%.
she was dating Dae after all
why is no one emoting or being a little serious about this 💀 it is so casual
I mean Kitty is emotionally walking away but this is truly a terrible moment??? heighten the drama a little. the director of this show, when i catch you !!!
Jennifer Arnold bring in some emotions please 😭💀🙏
the pacing has been terrible but we move. second episode here i come
#xo kitty#netflix#the pacing is so off#emotions please join us#i hope kitty fights dae#the nonchalance is so ???#episode 1
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♾️ with seventeen
today marks the 8th year since seventeen debuted. we all witnessed their hardwork and perseverance to achieve what they have today and i am so so proud of what they've and they will become.
from simple unbranded clothes in music shows to being ambassadors of big designer brands yet they still managed to be humbly seated and feet on the ground. from 10,000 pre-order on their first album to making it to 4.5 million sales in 2023 (p.s. this one's making me cry ╥﹏╥). they never disappoints us carats with their music because they really served us the best music in the world, all thanks to our producers woozi and bumzu. 🫶🏻
i can't wait to achieve another milestone with u, my beloved seventeen ♡(.◜ω◝.)♡
now, let me talk about how these 13 boys saved me from everything...
2022 was my personal downfall, a lot of things have happened to me to the point i can't handle the pain and struggles anymore that i almost gave up life. those were the days i've lost my college friends, being away with my family, problems with my past relationship, living alone, and social anxiety. all of those in a year, it might sound a little to much but yeah, it did made my mental health very unstable.
..but i never have had the thought that i'd burst out into laughing and smile genuinely while watching this very wholesome content on youtube that i accidentally clicked, and it's called going seventeen. staring from that day, it became my coping mechanism to be with them every single day. as days pass by, my love grows deeper for them. i adore them so much because they really could make a tough day into a good one. ৎ•ु·̫•ूॽ
seventeen did a lot of good things in my life, they were also the reason why i became a stronger person because they taught me to become one. they helped me boost my outmost potential, cheered me up when i needed someone, give me a hand when i feel weak, their arms wide open when i needed a hug, carry all my excess baggage bec i literally opens up everything to them about what's happening in my life.
i will always remember, what minghao said "it's okay to struggle but don't resolve it in a bad way".
it made me reflect my life decisions. i learned to become a calm and understanding person. in short, i became the best version of myself. 🫶🏻 they did not just helped me internally but also physically. i also learned to take care of my body by eating healthy and work out if i have time (loooool). i learned to make myself look presentable in front of everyone, their fashion inspired me the most, especially hoshi hihi. ԅ[ •́ ﹏ •̀ ]و
this blog's a little too long already sooo i'll end it here.
you will always be my go to people, you are my youth, solace. you will always be my home, my 13 💎
#seventeen#seventeen carat#scoups#jeonghan#joshua hong#moon junhui#hoshi kwon#jeon wonwoo#seventeen woozi#minghao#mingyu#dokyeom#seungkwan#vernon#lee chan#Spotify
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What My Flashbacks Feel Like
OK massive trigger warning for SA, but i figure i need to put this somewhere to get it out of my head. And the facelessness of the internet helps in this case. So without further ado, What My Flashbacks Feel Like, a poem about… well, you get it.
I am four years old. They tell me we’re playing a grown up game. They tell me it’s called Seven Minutes in Heaven. I want to be a big kid. I want to play. I ignore that there’s only 3 of us in the room, I ignore that there’s no adults here. I want to play with the big kids. I want to fit in. Two of us, me and Kyle, go into the closet. No one sets a timer. I have never figured out who the third person in my mind is. But somehow, I know what they’re there for. They’re the lookout.
Kyle tells me we’re going to play doctor. Kyle tells me he’s the doctor. He tells me I’m the patient. Kyle tells me if I’m the patient, I need to take all my clothes off. I wonder if this is the big kid part of the game. I’ve never played doctor like this before.
Kyle tells me I need to take off my panties, too. They’re pink. They have flowers on them. They’re size 4T. Four. Toddler. I am four. I don't remember when seven minutes ended. I remember I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone.
I am ten years old. I have nightmares about my grandmother’s closet. I tell no one. I don’t need them to think I’m crazy. After all, dreams aren’t real.
I am seventeen years old. I go on a hike at thanksgiving. All the cousins go on a hike. I wait for my brother. He fell behind. So did Kyle. Kyle catches up to me. Its the first time I ever remember being alone with him. I want to run away. I want to throw up. I don’t know why I want to do either.
I am seventeen. The nightmares in the closet come back.
I am seventeen. I ask my mom if the nightmares are real. I am seventeen. They are. She says I told her when it happened. She says she asked me every question she could think of. She says I told her he didn’t touch me. She says she decided it wasn’t that big of a deal. I wasn’t raped. I wasn’t groped. She won’t let me call it sexual assault.
I am seventeen. I talk to my therapist. I don’t cry, not the whole session. I go in my bathroom after and throw up. I try to shower it off. It feels like he’s touching me. It feels like he’s touching me every time water flows over my body. I stop showering.
I am seventeen. I read Redeeming Love for the first time. I cry into the book when Angel cries that she is not clean, that she can never be clean. I realize that I don’t remember whether I am a virgin.
I am eighteen. There’s a family reunion coming up. No one asks me if I’m okay when he shows up. No one notices how much I flinch away when I see him in the corner of my eye.
I am eighteen. Everything I know about sex, I learned from the internet. The internet doesn’t say anything about how the woman is supposed to feel besides good. It doesn’t say anything about what she’s supposed to do besides submit. I know what a ring gag is, and what it’s for. I’ve never heard of a clitoris. I try to masturbate. It hurts. I buy a porn subscription anyway. I use my graduation money.
I am eighteen. I am leaving for college.
I am eighteen. I meet a girl.
I am eighteen. I am for sure not a virgin. I roll over. She asks me if I regret it. I’m not sure. I don’t think so. At least now I know where I stand.
She makes me feel safe. She makes me feel okay. She doesn’t mind that I cry every time. I don’t tell her that I’m stopping because I’m nauseous. I pretend I came.
I am eighteen. I told her. She was angry. I don’t know how to tell her that she made me feel safe, but not safe enough to actually be real. I am ashamed. I was trying to protect her from how broken I am.
I am eighteen. I am a broken woman. I am eighteen. I will never have good sex. I am eighteen. I will never be safe when I am naked.
I am nineteen. I broke up with the girl. I regret so much. I get suicidal. I feel guilty.
I am nineteen. I meet a guy. He wants to fuck me. I want to let him.
I am nineteen. My body is under him. My brain is miles away.
I am nineteen. I stop in the middle. I dry heave for 20 minutes. He gets himself off.
I try to tell him why I hurt like this. I try to bring him in to this inner circle of those who know. I try because I don’t want him to think he hurt me. I don’t want to hurt him.
He calls me a few days later. He tells me he has nightmares about the things that happened to me. I tell him I do too. He never talks to me again. It’s my fault. It’s my fault. It’s my fault.
I am weeping in my bed, or on a bathroom floor. I am whispering, “Help me.” I am whispering, “I don’t want to.” I can’t breathe. My nails are digging into my shoulders.
When I come back to myself, I am twenty again. I am real again. I am me again. When the flashback ends, I can be okay again. I can hurt for that four year old and know that she is part of me, but the past is not HERE, it is not NOW. When I come back to myself, I know that my therapist will hear this on Tuesday. That there are people who care that this hurts so bad. That I could talk to someone.
I am twenty. I still get the nightmares. I still have the porn subscription. I haven’t figured out how much of my sex drive is normal and healthy. I don’t know if I’m kinky or trying to relive my trauma to have some sense of control. I don’t really know anything. But I masturbate a lot. I usually cry after. Sometimes, I do it just to get the emotional release. Sometimes, I do it just because I need to cry.
I am twenty. I don’t usually tell anyone when the flashbacks start. Or when they end. I usually don’t tell anyone they happen at all.
I am twenty. They happen almost daily. Sometimes when I masturbate. Sometimes, I just see people kiss on TV. Sometimes, they come out of nowhere at all.
I am twenty. I am going to be able to fix this. I am doing therapy again. My therapist knows I have flashbacks. I must have told her. Did I tell her? Fuck.
We’re going to do EMDR. It’s going to help. I’ve heard it really helps. God, I need it to help. I haven’t built my calm safe place yet. Even when I can take charge of my brain when I feel it starting to spiral, I have nowhere to send it. I usually just cry.
I don’t tell anyone when I cry. I don’t cry in front of people. I can tell this story and have it all together, I can pretend I am wise and mature, I can hide behind closed doors and clever witticisms and ensure that even the people who can see most of my hurts can’t see this one. It’s too much. It’s too much for me to hold. How can I ask that of anyone else?
I am twenty. It’s been sixteen years. I am four. It’s been twenty seconds.
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Champagne Problems
Summary: a companion piece to What Kind of Man. Harry never meant for things to end up this way.
Warnings: Cheating. Forgiveness after cheating. Don’t read if you don’t agree with that.
Notes: some of the scenes from harry’s pov & some new scenes to dive deeper into harry. this is just march! so it’s a companion to the first piece only & is short!
-
Left you out there standing
Crestfallen on the landing
Champagne Problems
-
March.
-
Harry wasn’t exactly sure when you and him had drifted apart. Logically he knew every relationship had points where things may feel repetitive or where both people struggle, but the two of you had never felt this cold.
That doesn’t stop the guilt that sinks his stomach and causes his lungs to constrict when you hang the phone up. “Y/N?” He asks in response to the obvious dial tone.
The guilt doesn’t stop him from staying at the pub. Niall had left hours ago with a hurried goodbye. Jennifer had declined going out at all, saying all she wanted was rest. All who was left was Mitch, Harry, Ally and their semester law intern, Hannah.
“Everything okay at home?” Ally asks kindly as Harry slips into the booth. Mitch raises his eyebrows as Harry shrugs. “She sounds pissed, but no emergency.”
“If she sounds pissed why are you still here?” Mitch laughs. It sounds uneasy to Harry as his friend looks him up and down confused. “I remember when you used to refuse going out with us because you didn’t want Y/N upset.”
Harry takes a sip of his beer and looks away. The pub was mostly filled with other suits. More lawyers from the firm who worked in offices Harry never visited. Doctors from the hospital two blocks away.
He turns his head back to look at Mitch when he feels a hand graze his knee. “I think you deserve a break.” Hannah says quietly. Harry watches as Mitch shakes his head, but turns away before his friend can say anything else.
(Because Mitch’s stare just forces the guilt up Harry’s throat and he’s afraid it’ll come out in vile. Things were never supposed to go this far with Hannah. It was supposed to be stupid flirting and compliments. Nothing that could break you. It was never supposed to break you.)
(Harry hadn’t done that good of a job.)
-
Harry wasn’t drunk. He hadn’t been drunk since law school. He was an adult. With a high paying position at a sought out law firm. He didn’t get drunk.
You didn’t leave the porch light on though, so it’s a little hard for him to focus on getting the key in the door and also being quiet. But he’s not drunk, so he can do it. He does it.
He pauses as he drops his keys onto the entry table. The entire first floor is dark. He slips his shoes off as well and leaves them by the door in order to avoid trying to find the correct cubby for them.
You had left the hallway light on upstairs, so most of the staircase was illuminated enough for Harry to make it up them without missing a step. That didn’t stop him from stumbling up the last three though.
He can see the bedroom light had been left on as well. He listens for the sound of you talking to Jack or even just the baby’s giggles, but when all he hears is silence, he assumes you had fallen asleep writing. He pushes the door open.
You’re sitting on the edge of the bed and twisting your ring around your finger as you gnaw on your bottom lip. Your head shoots up when you hear the door open and Harry’s eyes widen. “Y/N?” He feels his eyes squint at the bright overhead light feeling much harsher with your glare.
He ignores the pit in his stomach as he lifts his wrist the check the time, “Why are awake? It’s almost three in the morning. (He never meant for this happen. He was never supposed to be in this scene.)
You shrug and let out a laugh that Harry could only describe as empty. The pit in his stomach grows as you whisper harsh words, “I’m well aware of how ridiculously late it is, Harry. I figure I should be awake though, it’s the only time I’ll see you.”
Harry looks away as he pulls his jacket off and lays it on the bed beside where you were sitting. “What are you talking about?” In order to avoid your stare he focuses his attention to his white button up. He hands fumble and he notices you stand in his peripheral version.
His hands pause for a moment, like he expects your hands to steady his shaking ones like they normally did. You almost do, he notices, but a look crosses your face and your arms cross over your chest defensively.
“The kids missed you.” You say quietly.
Harry knows what’s coming as his hands fall completely away from the shirt and he finally looks at you. He feels tears rush to his eyes as the guilt from earlier in the night returns tenfold. “I missed them too.” He says quietly.
“Seph asked me if you were leaving us.” The words feel like a punch to the gut as you just watch him stand and process them. Seph asked that? Had he really been gone so often his first daughter, his best friend, was worried he wouldn’t come back one day?
“She what?” Harry flinches when he hears his voice crack. “I would never leave you guys, I love you.”
You look away. “Do you?” And if your words about Persephone had felt like a punch, these felt like a gunshot. Pain splintering from his chest throughout his entire body.
“What?” He almost yells. But he knew the kids were asleep. He never wanted to wake his kids up to fighting. He feels like he’s sobering up fast and it’s making him nauseous. He takes a hesitant step towards you before placing his hand gently on your cheek.
Or at least, attempting to. You flinch away and Harry’s hand falls to his side. “Y/N,” He starts quietly. “Don’t think-”
Your laughter cuts him off as your eyes flick angrily back to his. “if you wanted me to believe that, you wouldn’t come home smelling like another woman.” Harry’s heart freezes as his eyes widen. You pull his left hand up, “You wouldn’t leave your wedding ring out for me to see every time I was my hands.”
Harry tries to pull his hand back, ashamed at the idea of his ring haunting you, but your grip only tightens. “You wouldn’t have a hickey. One I didn’t give you considering we haven’t had sex in months.” Your other hand is point hard into his chest to where a mark lays covered partially by his shirt.
You let go of him as you fall onto the edge of the bed and look up at him with tears. He feels his chest constrict as he sits down next to you. He pulls both your hands into his, “Y/N...” He says quietly. “I am so sorry.”
Tears threaten to spill from his eyes as you try to pull away from him. “Am I not good enough?” You ask quietly. He pulls you to him but you thrash in his arms. “Seventeen years of my life. Four kids. Everything. I gave you everything.” You’re crying but your voice is cold.
You’re thrashing stops and it’s silent. Harry reluctantly lets go of you and you immediately stand up again. You look at him expectantly and Harry feels like he’s going to throw up as he looks down at his hands.
“It didn’t mean anything.” he says quietly. Truthfully. “It never meant- I love you.” He stresses. He falls from the bed to his knees in front of you. “You’re the love of my life.” He thinks of college. His law school graduation. He thinks getting promoted and buying your home.
He thinks of divorce papers as you look away from him. “How long?” You ask quietly.
“Please.” Harry begs. Where would he go if you kicked him out? Mitch would tell him he was an idiot. He loved you. Would his mom take your side? She should, he thinks. Gemma would want to kill him.
“How long?” You ask coldly. Your face has steeled itself. Harry can see the tension in your jaw and almost feels his dinner coming up.
“A month.” He wraps his arms around you. He nuzzles his face into your stomach. He sees your hand twitch, almost like you want to run a hand through his hair. “It meant nothing. Y/N. I’ll end it right now.”
Stupid. His head screams. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
“Okay.” You unwrap yourself from his arms and step away. Harry watches you confused as you move towards your side of the bed. “I’m going to bed.” You rub a hand over your face before laying down.
Harry stands awkwardly unsure of what to do with himself. He knew he couldn’t sleep in the bed. That something like that was probably the last thing you wanted to do.
“Take a shower. Sleep in the guest room.” Your back is facing him and he sees your arms wrapped around yourself. This bed is too big for one person, he thinks. That’s selfish of you; His conscious tells him.
He moves quickly to get pajamas from the closet. He debates showering in the ensuite, maybe he’d be able to see you again before sleeping, but he turned out of the room.
He would shower in the kids bathroom.
-
The guest room was cold. It was the only bedroom downstairs and that made it felt ten times lonelier to Harry. It was rarely used too. Gemma would stay in it when she visited L.A, but she had gotten her own apartment in the city and it was no longer used frequently.
Your parents lived only an hour away and had no need to spend nights at your house and his mother was rarely able to make the flight over the ocean. It felt like something staged for the sale of a house.
Harry sighs as he sits on the edge of the bed. With his head in his hands he thinks over where he went wrong. He had never meant for this to happen. For any of this.
The distance had been a byproduct of the stress. He was worried about the kids. He had done the numbers and sure you two were well off, but four kids was expensive. You had stored any more you’d made from your book in savings. A rainy day fund didn’t calm Harry’s nerves.
So he worked more. And he went out after work for a drink or two. And he talked. That’s what it had started out as. Just talking numbers over with Hannah, who helped him work them out. She wanted to be a divorce lawyer. Or maybe it was just broad family law.
Harry thought that was ironic now that his marriage would probably be over. It was running through numbers. Maybe there was a hand on the knee or feet that were just too class together. Things he had brushed off as accidents and completely unintentional. Then it had been him walking her to her car. Then she had kissed him and well- Harry isn’t blameless.
It would be ridiculous for him to say he was.
He falls back onto the bed and lets out a shaky breath. How had he been so stupid?
He sits back up immediately and pulls out his cellphone. He hadn’t even saved her number. They almost never texted and would usually just see each other at the bar. It had only been two weeks since they had kissed by her car. They had only-
He can’t believe he had let it get this far. He can’t believe he’s sitting here justifying himself with onlys.
He’s unsure of what to say. Should he apologize? It wasn’t anymore her fault than it was his own.
I have kids and a wife I love. This was wrong. I’m sorry.
Harry flinches. He felt gross and guilty. The shower hadn’t done anything but sobered him up. He felt everything over and over. Nausea, a headache bound to come on, guilt and just pain.
He pulls up Mitch’s message strain. Won’t be in tomorrow. Not feeling great.
He responds within minutes. Hope she doesn’t leave your ass. I’d take her side.
Harry lets out an empty laugh. Wouldn’t everyone? His mother loved you. She had since the two of you had met in college. When you had found out you were pregnant a semester before graduation his mother had been nothing but supportive; Especially when your parents had poorly hidden their own disappointment.
Gemma thought of you as the sister she never had. Her and Harry were close, but over the last almost twenty years you and her had grown closer.
His mind drifts to the kids. How could he do this to the kids? Force them go through what had been devastating to him. He may not practice family law, but he knew how it worked. You worked from home all the time and had been taking care of them their entire lives.
They would ask the kids where they wanted to go, they would refuse to leave their mother. Harry would too, you were home to everyone in the family. Life without you sounded meaningless.
Why did you do it then? He shakes his head. He doesn’t know. It wasn’t like you had stopped giving him attention, there was no time for sex and work got in the way of dates. It was his fault.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. The word repeats itself over and over again in his head. . Even if he could find ways you had ignored him or cast him to the side it would be pointless. It would be placing blame on a blameless person. It was his fault.
He crawls under the comforter. It’s nowhere near as soft as the one you had chosen for the bedroom. The sheets weren’t slept in so they didn’t feel as soft and worn. Harry thinks of having to find his own sheets and bed, his heart drops.
He doesn’t sleep. Unable to stop the back and forth of how do I fix this and will she even let me try?
-
Harry’s fingers tap incessantly on the drivers wheel as he makes his way home from Serena and Oliver’s school. Persephone had been pretty silent to entire drive to her high school, but Oliver had done more than covered for her with his stories.
How had it gone from breakfast together at least once a week and and family game nights to Oliver wanting nothing more than to be in his mother’s car and Persephone sitting in pure silence.
Harry’s mind trails back to you as he drives. You had barely spared him a second glance as you sat down to join them at the breakfast table. He had felt his hesitant smile drop when you looked away from him. And even though talking to the kids all morning had caused his happiness to jump, there was still pain steadily flowing as he thought of what your plan was.
Would you kick him out? Selfishly, he thought that was his biggest fear. Not having you and the kids to come home to everyday and losing the comfort it had always brought him. he had taken advantage of it and now that it could slip through his fingers at any moment he felt disgusting.
The drive allows him to wallow in his thoughts, but pulling into the driveway is a far worse feeling. Knowing that you were inside and could give him news that would kill him.
Was he allowed to feel that way? He asks himself. Like you leaving him would kill him, when it would be because of his own choices. He takes a deep breath and forces himself to straighten himself out as he steps out of the car and begins the walk towards the front door.
He mumbles apologies and empty words as he walks up. Unsure of what he could say to you to break the silence. When he opens the door, you’re sitting with Jack as he babbles and plays with his toys on the floor.
“Forgot how much Olly could talk.” Harry settles on starting with. He lets out an awkward laugh as you stand and lift Jack up before placing him in the play pen. You lean down and tickle him gently. “Please don’t escape, little Houdini.” Once you let him go and step away the young boy crawls away with a giggle.
You make your way towards the kitchen silently and Harry walks behind you with a nervous buzzing feeling in his chest.
You take a deep breath and Harry watches as you slide a piece of paper over the counter and towards. As his eyes scan down the list he feels a sliver of hope creep into his heart.
“What’s this?” He asks quietly. It’s names and phone numbers that have his heart beating a million miles per second.
“A list of marriage counselors.” His eyes follow your finger as you point towards each name and number. “For us to see once a week.”
The hope in him is growing by the second as words keep coming out of your mouth. “You’re not leaving me?” He blurts out in shock.
Your stance turns defensive and Harry takes a deep breath trying to calm himself. “No.” You answer quietly. “Not yet anyways.” Harry can’t help the furrow of his brow as the words hit him. It wasn’t definite and this was a test. You sigh which forced Harry to move his attention back to you. “We have four kids together. A life. And no matter how much you hurt me, I still love you.”
Harry bites back the smile threatening to cross his face. Because despite everything, you love him. You still did. You both glance at your ring finger when he notices you twisting the ring around it. “You’re the love of my life. I don’t want to throw that all away without trying first.”
Harry can’t stop the smile this time as happiness bursts inside him. “Y/N.” He says quietly.
He kind of zones out as he watches you go over what you want to do from here. Counseling and cutting hours back at the firm. Neither a punishment in Harry’s mind.
“I’m not sure if you like, ended it with her.” You start and he nods hastily. “I have. I did last night. I’ll never talk to her again.” He promises. He feels guilt again but part of is held back by the unadulterated hope he has now.
He debates taking the steps towards you before finally deciding it was necessary. When you don’t move away, he pulls you into a cautious hug, one that he’s shocked to feel returned.
“Thank you.” He whispers and you nod.
He would fix this. He swore it. This wasn’t a maybe in his head, it was necessary.
-
Your heart was glass I dropped it.
Champagne Problems.
-
Notes:
Just a small piece while you all wait for third main part to wkm! thank you for the endless patience. hope you all are safe & healthy.
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Hi! How are you!? Hope you're good 😁 Could I request a BuckyxFem!Reader oneshot? ❤️
A mission goes wrong. The reader and Bucky are trapped in a cell surrounded by several HYDRA agents. One of them says the keywords to activate the Winter Soldier just at the moment when Steve and Tony appear to help them, they fight against Bucky trying to make him the same again until a scream takes him out of that personality: the reader is wounded, wanting to protect him from another HYDRA agent getting in the way of the bullet. Bucky becomes him again and takes the reader in his arms to return to the quinjet.
Maybe lots of angst and fluffy ending with them confessing eachothers love at the hq?
Thank you so much!!!!!!! ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️
A/N: Hi guys! Wow it’s great to be back and free from college stress. I received this request two months ago, and again I am so sorry it took this long for me to make it, but writing academic papers had absolutely kicked my ass this past semester. This ask obviously takes place where Bucky has not been to Wakanda yet to get his trigger words removed. I hope you guys enjoy! I am a little rusty, and not sure if I should write from the first person perspective or third person perspective for Y/N fanfictions so let me know what you guys prefer. Happy Summer!
Pairings: Bucky x female!Reader
Warnings: Talks of blood, gun violence. Other than that I don’t think there is anything else.
Word Count: 2.5k
You’re My Endgame
The floor was cold. It’s not like you haven’t endured worse, but the concrete you had been resting your head on was less than inviting. Your body was rigid due to the freezing temperatures and the uncomfortable position you curled your body into. The HYDRA facility you had been captured at was in Lithuania, Bucky promised he knew it like the back of his hand. Things had changed since his work and internal torment as the Winter Soldier, something he wasn’t expecting due to lack of funds on their part. Unfortunately, no one could’ve predicted there were spies in SHIELD funneling crazy amounts of money into new buildings and updating new HYDRA facilities and weapons.
You decided to sit up and stretch your limbs. It had felt like weeks you were being held hostage, but in actuality it was only a day at most. The HYDRA agents kept you and Bucky busy with periodic torture. You’ve been kicked, punched, beaten into the ground even but neither of you talked. Bucky was more familiar with these torture treatments than anyone, but he focused all of his attention on you.
He was the first real friend you had made at the Avengers’ campus. He had trauma, you had trauma, one of the best bonding factors you had both concluded. He listened to stories of your abusive childhood, being trained by your father as his own personal assassin, and he would share whatever he was comfortable telling you. You never poked and prodded. You knew you were more open than most when it came to over sharing experiences. Talking helped some people, others not so much.
You stood up and shook out your arms and legs. Once you stopped, you assessed the bruises on each body part, counting how many had accumulated over the canvas that was your skin. 48 in total. A new record.
You looked over at Bucky to see he was lying in a similar position to you, close enough that you were in arms reach but not too close that you were uncomfortable with his touch. You were both exhausted from the continuous torture, touching was not in anyone’s best interest at this point in time.
He groaned softly, beginning to stretch his limbs out as well. Trying to turn a horrible situation into a lighter occasion (as if that were possible), you cracked a joke in Bucky’s direction.
“Good morning sunshine, I see you decided to join me for our delicious gourmet breakfast” you gestured to nothing behind you on the concrete floor.
Bucky cracked a smile “Good thing I didn’t miss it, I’m starving” he joked back. You understood each other’s humor and personality so well.
“How’re you feeling Buck? I know they did a number on you after me” you looked down at him somberly.
He shook his head “Don’t worry about me. Show me your arms and legs. I wanna see how much they hurt you.”
You rolled your eyes. “Buck I’m fine. I can hold my own just the same as you. We are trained for these situations.”
Bucky rolled his eyes back at you. “Did I ask if you were trained? No. In fact I didn’t ask you anything at all. Show me your goddamn body Y/N”
You didn’t want to stress him out anymore, so you just knelt down in front of him and started showing him your arms. He hovered over them, careful not to touch your delicate flesh. His phase was full of confusion, anger, and something else you couldn’t quite put your finger on. He shook his head, not even wanting to see your legs if this is what your arms looked like. He didn’t want to upset himself even more, which would in turn make you upset.
“Lay back down Y/N. You need to rest, even if it is on concrete. We can’t have your pretty self looking like that when we get back to the compound now can we?” Bucky replied, trying to lighten the mood once again. It was worth a shot.
Bucky always told you you were pretty, never really thinking anything of it. Steve or Natasha was his endgame, and you respected that. You were best friends and best friends always complimented each other like that. You definitely didn’t need to make your relationship more complicated, even if you were desperately in love with him. You would keep those feelings locked down in the deepest crevices of your brain, unwilling to share with anyone.
You smiled towards Bucky, getting ready to sit back down when you heard the door to the basement unlock. You both winced at the sound, turning to look at each other with dread in your eyes.
Please dear god no more. We can’t take anymore.
You wanted to keep Bucky safe from HYDRA’s wrath, and he wanted to do the same for you. Given the circumstances however, it was near impossible. Bucky felt helpless that he couldn’t properly protect you against their torture, only adding to his mental torment. He was in pure agony, and hearing that door again made him want to scream out to a higher power he didn’t believe in.
“Rise and shine dirtbags, we have a new surprise for you today” the first HYDRA agent said with a small smirk on his face.
You had no idea what they had in store for you today, always expecting the worst. You definitely were not prepared for what they were planning to do to you today.
“You, girl, have you ever met those they call the Winter Soldier?” the second HYDRA agent asked.
You had no idea what he was talking about, honestly thinking he was talking about Bucky. You knew he had been called the Winter Soldier in the past, but Bucky never shared much of his trauma. You didn’t know to the full extent what he was capable of, he never wanted you to know what he was capable of. In response, you nodded with a confused look on your face.
Bucky, however, knew exactly what he was talking about. His heart felt like it had dropped to his stomach, unable to prepare for what was about to happen. He started shaking his head furiously, begging softly. “Please, please don’t do this. I’ll do anything, just please don’t do this. Not with her.” You could see the pain in his eyes.
A third HYDRA agent strutted into the room, just as smug as the other two. He was holding a red book with a black star on it. You thought it was just a log of what torture they had performed on you, but it was much more sinister based off of Bucky backing up into the far corner of the room with absolute dread in his eyes. That’s when the third HYDRA agent started to speak.
“Longing, rusted, seventeen.” Your confusion only grew as the HYDRA agent spoke these words, but your confusion slowly faded as concern took over. You looked over to Bucky who was squinting his eyes as he hugged his rigid body. He was whispering “No, no god please no, please stop.”
You walked over to him gently, crouching. “Bucky? Bucky what’s wrong..”
The second HYDRA agent took the book from the third, continuing reciting the words “Daybreak, furnace, nine.” Everyone’s smile grew wider except yours and Bucky’s. He was starting to shake from fear and anger, knowing what was about to happen. Bucky screamed at you, something he had never done before in his life. “Y/N, get away from me. Just stay away!”
You were a strong woman, never faltering during a mission, especially in times of crisis, but you felt like curling up into a ball and crying. You were worried, disoriented, and even worse, you couldn't do a damn thing about it. The words kept flowing from the HYDRA agents’ mouths.
“Benign, homecoming, one” the HYDRA agents spouted in unison. Bucky was screaming in pain. You couldn't bear to look at him, tears streaming down your face as you heard his agony. This was far worse than any torture inflicted on you yet.
Then, the final word was spoken.
“Freight Car”
Bucky’s eyes shot wide open. His rigid body remained the same, only beginning to stand instead of hugging himself in the fetal position. That’s when he spoke.
“готов подчиниться”
You understood the meaning, but didn't understand what your best friend had become. That’s when an explosion behind the three HYDRA agents erupted, causing everyone to become disoriented.
Debris had been blown everywhere, dust clouding your vision and settling all around you. You didn’t see Bucky, you didn’t see the HYDRA agents. All you could see was a glow. It came from beyond where the explosion came from. You began squinting, trying to identify what was heading in your direction. That’s when you began to see flashes of the one and only “Hot Rod” red, along with the Star Spangled Man with a Plan. Although you wanted to smile at your rescue, your thoughts were all encompassed by Bucky. You hadn't known what happened to him, only knowing he was in extreme pain, now missing. You yelled out to Tony and Steve.
“Over here!! I’m over here. Do you guys see Bucky??”
That’s when you heard a shift in the rubble, only a few short feet from where you were lying. A metal arm had popped out of the ground, reminiscent of the scene in the Evil Dead.
Thank God. At least I know where he is.
You worked slowly over to where he had appeared out of the ground. You began removing the stones off of his body with vigor. You could finally see his face and somewhat of his body, calling out his name.
“Bucky? Bucky tell me if you’re hurt. Bucky please talk to me. You’re scaring me”
His expression remained blank, awaiting orders from whoever was willing to give them first.
That’s when you heard the faint commands of a fallen HYDRA agent, determined to finish his job.
“Attack”
Bucky’s reaction was immediate. He grabbed your throat with force, causing you to claw at his metal arm with what little energy you had left. Gasping and kicking your feet as he held you in the air, you tried calling out to him. This was your best friend, surely he had to recognize you. That’s when Steve threw his shield directly at Bucky’s legs, causing him to loosen his grip on your neck.
You fell to the ground coughing, your body begging for air as you inhaled so sharply you thought your chest would explode. Your coughing didn’t stop for a few seconds, only being brought back from reality when you heard the clash of vibranium on vibranium. You looked up to see Steve and Bucky fighting, Steve screaming “Buck! Buck it’s us!”
Bucky replied with angry grunts, not understanding anything but his commands. While Steve and Bucky fought, Tony was busy securing the area, taking out other HYDRA agents who had flooded the scene. You didn’t know what to do, but you knew Bucky was your top priority. You called out to him several times, hoping he would realize it was you. Your cries fell on deaf ears, however, as he continued to fight Steve with all of his might.
You quickly glanced at everything going on, that’s when you noticed a HYDRA agent Tony had missed while fending them off. He was holding a loaded pistol, directly in Steve and Bucky’s direction. Before you could truly process what was going on, you heard the gunshot go off. At this point you weren’t too far away from them, sprinting in their direction to protect them from the bullet. You launched yourself in their direction, screaming in pain as your body was pushed to it’s limits already in pain. As you fell to the ground, you barely noticed the bullet had entered your right shoulder. Figuring the pain was from landing on sharp stones, you groaned loudly.
As soon as you screamed, Bucky was ripped from his Winter Soldier persona and back into reality. However, Steve didn't see his realization, landing a punch straight to Bucky’s jaw, sending him staggering back. Both Steve and Bucky turned their attention to you, lying on the ground and bleeding everywhere. Bucky, who couldn’t care less about the fact that he just got punched in the face, moved over to your body with haste.
He looked down at you softly, covered in dirt and blood. His heart wretched in his chest, knowing all of this could’ve been avoided if he just double checked the layouts of the base before invading the building for their mission. “Y/N? Y/N sweetheart talk to me please” he said as he picked your head up gently to lay in his lap. You coughed up a little spittle of blood as you turned to look at him with tenderness in your eyes.
“Bucky? Is, is it you?”
He smiled down at you, with tears rolling down his cheeks.
“Yes sweetheart, it’s me. Just hang in there for me okay? We’re gonna get you to the quinjet. It’s gonna be okay.” You could hear the cracks in his voice as he spoke to you, but couldn't focus on it for too long. Both your vision and your hearing were starting to waver, going in and out as the chaos ensued around you.
The last words you remembered hearing before everything went back was Bucky’s voice.
“Don’t leave me now sweet girl, I need you. Please don’t go, you’re it for me.”
He continued talking, but lost consciousness as he spoke. Everything was dark.
_______________________________________________________________________
You woke up, looking at an absolutely blinding light. You squinted as you opened your eyes, not fully able to open them completely thanks to the mini sun above your head.
You began to move your limbs, realizing that someone was holding your left hand. You looked over to see Bucky, sitting with you in the quinjet infirmary, his head hung low and gentle sobs escaping his mouth.
You spoke up softly, unable to speak at a normal tone.
“Bucky?”
Bucky picked up his head, eyes puffy and red from the crying, not expecting you to be awake so soon after how much blood you had lost.
“Y/N? Oh god, oh sweetheart” he stood up and kissed your forehead, not wanting to move your body by embracing you with a hug.
You smiled up at him as he hovered above your face, taking in your beauty.
He spoke with a quiver in his voice.
“I, I thought I’d lost you. All because I was a fucking idiot who couldn't do my job before the mission, Y/N I am so sorry, I don’t, I never wanted you to see me that way. I’m so stupid, I’m-” you stopped Bucky from continuing his pity party by raising your left hand to his lips, shushing him with one finger.
You gently removed your hand and lifted your head slightly to meet his lips with yours. You both closed your eyes as your lips met, savoring how delicious you both tasted, even post mission. You deepened the kiss slightly, angling your head so you both had more access to each other’s mouths. You held the kiss for what seemed like forever, finally decided to pull away softly.
Staring into his beautiful ocean blue eyes, smiling up at him while holding the back of his head, you spoke softly “You are Bucky Barnes, and you’re my endgame.”
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I looooove your zukka rec lists! I recently became Avatar-obsessed, never got a chance to watch it as a kid and only just got through it all! I was wondering if you'd consider doing a specifically angst rec list? I love fluffy zukka everything, but sometimes you just gotta have your heart ripped out of your chest and put back in after being thoroughly blended.
thank you! i relate heavily to “recently became Avatar-obsessed” haha. as for the angst list, i sure can try! warning: all of these have happy endings because im a crybaby who can’t read unhappy endings. also, p much all of the fics in the completed section were featured on my other lists but this is specifically the ANGSTY ones >:^)
angsty zukka wips
first, most obviously, feels like we only go backwards by @oldpotatoe
-currently at 102k with 19/27 chapters posted; rated teen
-the amnesia fic. the amnesia fic. the amnesia fic. you know. i haven’t actually read it yet because, as previously mentioned, i’m a crybaby and am waiting for it to finish up but, from my understanding, this fic will murder you in a dark alleyway with no remorse. if u like zukka angst, you’ve probably already read this, but just in case!
An injury leaves Sokka with amnesia. His last memory is of the failed invasion, of leaving his father behind in enemy territory on the Day of Black Sun. Of hopelessness. Rage. // But then he wakes up, and the war is over. Suddenly, he must come to terms with the fact that years have passed, and that he's somehow the Southern Water Tribe Ambassador to the Fire Nation. He is also supposedly friends with banished-Prince-turned-Fire-Lord Zuko, of all people. Close friends.
Yeah, nah.
and i’ll do anything you say (if you say it with your hands) by @goldrushzukka
-currently 38k with 6/8 chapters posted; rated mature
-holy shit. holy SHIT. modern au based on the “my cat likes my fuckbuddy and i am falling in love” trope(?). maybe it’s just because of how the last chapter ended, but oh my god. this one made me cry. made me want to commit violence. when it’s not angsty as hell, it’s pretty funny, but holy shit. ao3 user nebulastucky please.
It’s supposed to be a one night stand. Pick up some guy at a bar, barely remember his name and never learn anything real about him, send him packing in the morning with a thanks for the ride and a cup of coffee to-go. That’s how it’s supposed to go. // But then it’s the best sex Sokka has ever had, and he thinks he’ll hate himself if he never gets to have it again.
Violet Blossoms and Celestial Objects by @hollypunkers
-currently 15k with 2/? posted. rated teen.
-this is the sequel to blue (an angsty, zukka rewrite of book 2-- go read it if u havent!)! !! this is a book 3 rewrite. only two chapters in and mrs hollypunkers is really abusing the miscommunication tag, as zukka writers seem to enjoy doing. im excited to see how the world and story develops with the changes to the story! you should be too!! its very good! obviously spoilers for blue lmao
Having sided with the Avatar in Ba Sing Se, Zuko not only must navigate his new relationship with Sokka but returning to the Fire Nation as a banished enemy. His own journey of self discovery and personal growth must now coexist alongside the personal struggles of every other member of the Gaang as together they blaze a treacherous path toward an unsure victory against Zuko's own father and nation.
breakable heaven by @fruitysokka
-currently 71k with 9/11 chapters posted. rated teen
-swt ambassador zuko! soon to be chief sokka! fake dating ur best friend to get out of an arranged marriage! what could go wrong!!! i also haven’t read this one ((see: i’m a crybaby who is being hurt by too many zukka wips already)), but it has been hanging out in my marked for later for months. from what i understand, this fic has: angst.
With his twenty-first birthday looming just around the corner, the Southern Water Tribe Elders have decided that Sokka, next in line to be Chief, needs to get married. Sokka does not want that, but he does need to get them off his back until he can figure his way out of it. What better way to do that than to pretend to date his best friend (and newly minted Ambassador to the Southern Water Tribe) Zuko? // Seriously, this is a foolproof plan. Maybe one of Sokka's best. Absolutely nothing can go wrong.
angsty zukka fics (completed!)
(i’ll put these in wc order)
lighthouse beam by @incorrectzukka
-7k, rated g
-a modern college au!! zuko’s inner-monologue is very angsty in this fic. typical zuko. also per usual, theyre both fucking dorks. they sort themselves out in the end, but not before The Angst. zuko is semi-deaf in this fic and also he has a bit of internalized homophobia.
Sokka’s breathtakingly beautiful and he’s smart and makes other people laugh. Zuko has a half-burnt face and a deaf ear. It’s not rocket science. // Or, Zuko falls in love with the boy in his Philosophy class.
This Isn’t My Idea of Fun by @khaleeseas
-9k, explicit
-moon spirit/nwt prince!sokka, no war to be found here! admittedly this isnt THAT angsty but like. the angst IS present. zuko is still the prince. a lovely childhood friends (though they hated each other for a minute haha) to lovers story.
If you asked Zuko, he and Azula saw far too much of Chief Hakoda of the Northern Water Tribe’s children growing up. It wasn’t until they were older, and Azula pointed out that - duh - their families were trying to set them all up, that he realized why. // He was told by his mother to be polite. These people were their friends and allies, and though their nations were as different as they came, harmony between nations was the most important thing. // It wasn’t his fault the Chief’s children were so annoying.
put your lips close to mine (as long as they don’t touch) by @celestialceci
-9k, teen
-modern au! zuko and sokka are college roommates. zuko goes to spend the summer with sokka. again,, not really that angsty but-- its there!! the detail and feeling of Home in this story make me happy. zuko is insecure as hell here too. if ur into that.
Zuko hates his home. He likes college alright, but he likes Sokka even better, his assigned roommate turned best friend. Spending the summer with Sokka will be fun, a welcome change of pace he desperately wants. It probably won't awaken anything in him... right?
the thing about dancing by anodymalion
-9k, teen
-yes. this one right here officer. it makes my heart ache. also trans sokka! which is cool. but the zuko angst in this one. hurts me. not so much relationship angst as it is zuko learning he deserves happiness angst. i’m sure u know The Type.
The first time a attendant spills Zuko’s tea and doesn’t immediately fall to her knees, begging the Fire Lord’s forgiveness, it is not anger but a resounding warmth that fills his chest.
i could (never) give you peace by @zukkababey
-10k, mature
-OUCH. OUCH OUCH OUCH. boys please learn to communicate im begging u. also zuko.. zuko, dude. as the tags of the fic say, hes “really going through it” in this one. YOUCH. post-canon.
Zuko almost said it. He almost said the words I think I’m in love with you, but he choked them back down at the last second. // Zuko would never be able to be what Sokka wanted. They might have needed each other during the summer, when two boys with too much weight on their shoulders found comfort in each other in the only way they knew how. // But now Zuko was Fire Lord, and Sokka was leaving.
this love burns so yellow (becoming orange and in its time, exploding) by @meliebee
-18k, teen, major character death
-i lied. THIS is the one, officer. found family.. good mai and zuko and toph friendships.. . ozai escapes prison and tries to overthrow zuko. OBVIOUSLY angst ensues. poor boy. he Does heal in this but it gets worse before it gets better. angst angst angst angst.
Ten months after Zuko is crowned at seventeen, he faces his first coup.
Anything for You by beersforqueers
-23k, explicit
-istg. this is probably one of my favorite zukka fics. its PAINFUL. modern au where theyre broken up but sokka hasnt told his family yet so zuko goes home with him for kataang wedding. a bit smutty, but the plot oh my god ohgm y fuvk. made me cry the first time i read it. (see: crybaby!me) insert that one picture of the horse with the caption PAIN.
In which Sokka and Zuko have broken up but Sokka hasn't told his family yet. So when Katara and Aang's wedding weekend rolls around and he doesn't want to break Gran-Gran's heart, he asks Zuko to pretend to be his boyfriend for one last weekend. // Things don't go as planned.
Moving Mountains by @thefangirlingdead
-64k, mature
-so. when i read this the first time it was in one sitting. soulmate au set within canon era / the comics, to an extent. soulmates can hear each others thoughts. i will happily say this is slowburn, jesus christ. champagne without the cham.
Soulmates are chosen by the spirits and can hear each other’s thoughts. Sokka thinks it’s cheesy and dumb. Zuko thinks it’s poetic justice that he doesn’t have one because he doesn’t deserve it. Cruel irony is finding out that the prince of the Fire Nation (and the person currently hunting you) is your soulmate.
In the Soft Light by @voidcenturyscholar and @romancedawning
-83k, teen, graphic depictions of violence
-moon spirit!sokka living in the northern water tribe. zuko is sent to the northern water tribe as a cultural liaison. iroh is the fire lord but while he is away taking care of lu ten after his injury ozai steps up. i cannot express how many emotions this fic made me feel. background yuetara. i would almost say found family?? but. anyway. plenty of angst to spare here with a healthy dose of enemies to friends to lovers.
As the newly appointed cultural liaison to Northern Water Tribe, Zuko is the first Fire Nation Citizen to step foot inside the city's walls in nearly a century. He's determined to prove himself—to the Fire Lord and to his father—even if the Water Tribe's spirit-touched prince seems to want nothing to do with him.
That Midnight Sky by @zukkababey
-103k, teen
-now now now. tms... modern college au where sokka agrees to tutor zuko in physics because zuko has to maintain straight a’s and physics is just not doing it for him. so. thats cool but THEN azula moves in, randomly, with zuko. to hide the fact that sokka is tutoring zuko, they fake date! what could go wrong!! the mutual pining in here combined with the angst... wonderful, tasty. everyone read it rn. also SLOWBURN
In Zuko’s strict family, needing a tutor is just about the worst thing you could do. Failing a class, however, is even worse. The only rational solution? Take up Aang on his offer to find him a physics tutor and have Sokka—beautiful, smart, handsome Sokka—tutor him in secret. // When Azula’s arrival threatens to reveal Zuko’s secret, it’s up to Sokka to convince her this definitely isn’t what it looks like. See, he’s actually… Zuko’s… boyfriend? // Hmm. There’s no way this could get complicated, right?
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More Than Enough | Owen & Charlie
Requested: hi! can you do an imagine where the reader is like 16/17 and lives with owen and charlie and she finds out her boyfriend back home cheated on her? basically like owen and charlie are acting like big brothers.
A/N: This was too cute to pass up. I did alter it a tiny bit since I don’t think any parent would just send their seventeen year old to Vancouver. Hope you like it though!
Pairing: Platonic!(Owen x Charlie x Reader)
Warnings: Explicit language, cheating, angst
Song(s) used: none
Words: 2,523
Being a Gillespie has had many, many perks. Anyone in your family was always up for an adventure in the middle of the night or ready to jam out at any given moment. Family parties were never dull and the bonds unbreakable.
Until you and your family suddenly moved to Vancouver when your mother found herself a new love and packed her bags within the first few weeks. Of course, only being thirteen at the time, you had no other choice but to go, though it broke your heart saying goodbye to the friends you made in New Brunswick and the close family you left behind.
About four years later, you received a message from your very favorite cousin, Charlie. He’d been your best friend since you were born. Even though he was four years older than you, the two of you were two peas in a pod. He felt like a big brother to you as much as your actual brother did, if not more. And since you left Dieppe, Charlie had been texting you non-stop to make sure you were okay and adapting to your new surroundings.
But the message you received in 2019 made your heart leap.
Guess who’s coming to Vancouver for work?
(It’s me!)
You had chuckled at the second message, shaking your head at the fact that your favorite cousin hadn’t changed one bit since the last time you saw him.
Charlie had told you he’d auditioned for this new Netflix show directed by the legend himself, Kenny Ortega. You were the biggest fan of the man, so you made sure you did all the superstitious things you could to make sure he’d get the part. You had burnt dozens of candles, prayed every night and kept the lucky blue rabbit’s foot with you every day. Charlie had given you the blue rabbit’s foot the day you left for Vancouver, showing a matching one that he kept on a chain on his jeans.
“This is gonna bring you luck, and if you ever miss me, just hold it tight and it’ll feel like I’m there with you,” he’d told you.
When Charlie came to Vancouver, the two of you thought it’d be a good idea for you to move in with him and Owen, a member of the cast he’d become close friends with during the bootcamp they did that summer.
Your mom wasn’t too sure about it at first, but eventually caved and let you go, thinking it might be good practice for when you’d go off to college.
With all of that said and done, you were now a full-fledged member of the Gillespie-Joyner household. The first few weeks were the most fun. You’d stay up all night with the boys, dancing around the living room to whatever song came on or cuddled up on the couch watching movies. Every now and again, even your boyfriend came up to the apartment to hang out with the three of you. Though, the boys being the boys, became overprotective when that occurred.
The first night Thomas came over to hang out with you, Owen and Charlie immediately went into full-protective mode. They started interrogating the seventeen-year-old boy with questions you say an overprotective dad with a shotgun or baseball bat ask in those cliché rom-coms.
“Can you guys not?!” you had asked, chuckling because you thought they were joking about it all. “Let’s just watch this stupid movie while we wait for our pizza.”
During said movie, the two full-grown men kept glaring at the teenagers on the other end of the couch as you were cuddled up together, his arm slung over your shoulder. Charlie had that trademark scowl on his face with his arms crossed while Owen just furrowed his eyebrows, keeping an eye on the two of you.
That occurred pretty much every night since that first day they met. And you could feel Thomas growing more and more fidgety next to you as the nights progressed.
One night when Thomas came over, the four of you decided to cook dinner together since you were pretty bored of constantly ordering food and eating unhealthy. You wanted to get some vegetables inside these boys.
“Watch out, Gillespie, you’re gonna burn yourself,” Owen said to you when you were simply stirring the bolognese sauce you had made from scratch. That was something your grandmother taught you when you were younger. You and Charlie used to cook with her all the time when having sleepovers at her place during nights your parents were out.
“I’m pretty sure I’m gonna be fine, Joyner,” you muttered back, chuckling slightly. Just as the words rolled off your lips, the sauce sputtered and a droplet of hot sauce fell on your hand. You hissed at the burning sensation as you wiped the red off your hand.
“See! I told you!” Owen exclaimed and grabbed your hand, guiding you towards the tap.
“Owen, I’m fine! It was just a tiny drop. I’m not gonna die!” you protested but let him hold your hand underneath the cold running water. The coldness of the water made the burning and stinging feeling vanish and actually felt good.
“You ought to be careful, Gillespie,” Owen muttered, his eyes focused on the water gliding down the back of your hand and down every fingertip in small streams while you watched him. You’d lived here for almost a month, and you’d seen Owen from up close but never this close.
There was something about his smooth jawline, bright green eyes and swoopy blonde hair that you hadn’t noticed before. All of a sudden, the boy you’d seen as a brother for a month now, turned attractive. Very attractive.
No, y/n, focus. Your boyfriend is literally behind you. Calm down. You thought to yourself as you shook out of the trance you found yourself in.
But then Owen glanced up at you and the whole pep-talk went to waste. Especially as the corners of his mouth tugged up into the most beautiful smile you had ever seen.
You coughed before sputtering out, “T-thank you, Owen.” He simply nodded acknowledgingly before turning the tap off and letting you go back to your food with your mind woozy and your heart beating faster. What in the holy hell was that?
Thomas of course noticed the interaction between you and Owen as he was sitting on a stool at the breakfast island, scrolling through his phone with Charlie next to him. The latter had been weighing off the pasta to cook later and didn’t notice anything of what just happened.
“I’m gonna head home,” Thomas said that night straight after dinner. Normally, he’d stay for one more movie before heading home, but after seeing what he saw earlier, he didn’t feel like staying much longer or ever coming back.
You picked up the tone in his voice, and your stomach sank. Something had upset him and you could only guess what it was. Of course he saw. Everyone could probably see. Now it was up to you to show Thomas nothing was actually going on between you and Owen.
“Oh--okay… I’ll see you out,” you said and got up from the chair, halting when Thomas held up his hand and shook his head dismissively.
“I’ll see myself out,” he muttered and made his way out the door without even a goodbye, let alone a kiss goodbye. Your heart sank to your stomach as you felt the storm hanging above your head. This was not going to end well.
“What was that about?” Charlie asked, confused about the boy’s demeanor all of a sudden. You glanced over at Owen, who had his lips pressed together, offering you an apologetic countenance.
You sighed, dropping down in your chair again and rubbing your face with your hands, not even caring about the make-up you’re smudging right now. You were going to lose the best thing that has ever happened to you since moving to Vancouver, besides seeing Charlie again. And all because you couldn’t keep your eyes off an attractive man that stood a few inches too close. There was a storm ahead, and you weren’t prepared for it.
Three days. You didn’t hear Thomas for three days. After sending text after text after text, he still ghosted you. You knew he was going to break up with you soon, but what came next was beyond your expectations.
Your friend Lili called you on the fourth day of radio silence from Thomas. Her voice sounded solemn, almost worried.
“What’s up?” you asked, growing more and more anxious.
A shaky breath sounded from the other side of the line before she spoke again. “Allison told me Thomas showed up at her doorstep last night…” she started. Her voice cracked and so did your heart in anticipation of what was going to follow. “Sweetie, I’m sorry, Thomas cheated on you…”
Tears sprung into your eyes as you grabbed the nearest pillow from the sofa and hugged it tightly to your chest while Lili blabbed on about what she’d heard from Allison. All you could pick up was that Allison felt terrible about it but couldn’t say no to him since he seemed in distress. Laced between her words were your venomous thoughts about how all of this was just your fault. If the thing-which-wasn’t-even-a-thing between you and Owen didn’t happen, Thomas wouldn’t have gone to another girl’s house.
“I am so sorry, y/n. I--Tell me if there’s anything I can do? I’ll--I’ll come over with some ice cream or chocolate if you want and you can just cry?” Lili probably knew you weren’t listening anymore. She was the first friend you had made in Vancouver four years ago, along with Allison. But apparently being friends gives you a get-out-of-jail card to fuck your friend’s boyfriend.
“No, that’s okay, Lils. I just wanna be alone right now…” you whispered, and after you’d said your goodbyes you hung up the phone, dropping the device on the sofa next to you. Your arms tightened around the pillow as tears soaked the fabric and the toxic thoughts haunted your mind on repeat.
The thoughts were so loud, you didn’t even hear the door to the apartment opening and closing. You only noticed someone had walked in when two pairs of arms snaked around your body from each side.
Charlie piped up first, “What happened, cous?” he whispered and pressed a kiss to your hair as his fingers tangled up in your messy hair.
“He-hecheatedonme,” you blurted out in one breath. Both Owen and Charlie halted their movement, glancing up at each to see if both of them heard the same thing. You felt someone shift beside you, the warm feeling of their body pressed to yours turning cold.
“Where does he live?” Owen growled. You looked up at him and sniffled, wiping your nose on the sleeve of your sweater. “Where does he live, y/n?” he repeated sternly.
“No, Owen, please,” you begged, more tears rolling down your face, “Please, don’t. Stay with me. Please.” Owen’s tense expression softened as he slid down next to you again, the warmth returning to your body as he wrapped himself around you once more.
“Just stay,” you whispered as your arms wrapped around Owen’s bicep and your head rested on Charlie’s chest. “It’s my own fault.” Neither of the boys say anything, but they let you babble for a while, holding you and rubbing your back or planting kisses on your head.
Once you had calmed down a little, Charlie began his pep-talk, “None of this is your fault, little one,” he said. “I know something happened between you the last time you were here, but that doesn’t mean you drove him into another girl’s arms. He could’ve come over to talk it out, but instead, he chose to ring another’s doorbell. This is not your fault.” The last words came out just above a whisper before his lips crushed onto your head again. His hand smoothed down your hair, lulling you into a state of calm.
“Char’s right, y/n,” Owen chimed in softly as his fingers trailed up and down her leg. “His decision to do this instead of talk to you is on him. He doesn’t deserve someone as amazing as you.” Your lips curled up into a small smile while a sob raked through your body, shaking both boys along.
“I love you guys,” you mumbled as you felt your eyes drooping. Crying always made you feel sleepy, especially with the boys’ soothing touches and words. “So much.” And with that, your light went out for the next few hours.
Owen and Charlie eventually fell asleep too as they didn’t want to let you go, and that’s what you woke up to in the middle of the night too. The two boys asleep on either side of you, clutching you in their arms. Though Owen had sunk down with his head in your lap and him clutching your arm against his chest, Charlie had fallen asleep resting his head on yours. A content, warm feeling fell over you while that upsetting, past-breakdown sob shook through your body.
“Boys,” you whispered, waking them up softly. Both twitched, but only Owen shook awake and shot upright. You giggled at his concerned, sleep-drunk expression. “Shall we head to bed?” you asked. The look of confusion that flashed across Owen’s face made you realize that it did sound a bit odd, so you quickly added, “It’s past midnight, I think we better sleep in our own beds than cramped up on the sofa.”
Owen let out an “ah” and nodded his head before punching Charlie in the shoulder. Your cousin looked up with narrowed eyes, ready to growl at whoever woke him.
“Let’s get to bed,” you whispered, pressing a kiss to his forehead. The boy nodded and got up, grabbing your hand in his and leading you towards your bedroom. He didn’t turn on the lights, but blindly made his way over to the bed and rolled onto it, tugging you with him and cuddling you close to his body. You let out a shriek at the sudden movement until it turned into giggling before sighing contently at the welcome warmth and comfort of your cousin’s arms. There’ve been many nights where you fell asleep cuddling one another on your grandmother’s sofa after having watched your favorite tv-show.
“Joyner, get your ass in here!” Charlie shouted, his voice croaky and thick with sleep. You heard shuffling before the bed dipped, the warmth of Owen’s body radiating into your skin.
This hadn’t occurred yet since you moved in with them a month ago. Falling asleep on the couch, yes, all the time. But never falling asleep in the same bed. It was a welcome, soothing feeling though. No matter how you turned, every side of your body was always toasty. You were the happiest person alive even on darker days like this one. You’d always have these two boys in your life. And that was more than enough for you.
*
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JATP Taglist: @hannahhistorian92 @marinettepotterandplagg
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#julie and the phantoms#julie and the himbos#julie and the fat ones#jatp#charlie gillespie#luke patterson#owen patrick joyner#owen joyner#alex jatp#charlie gillespie x reader#charlie gillespie fic#platonic!reader x charlie#platonic!reader#owen x reader#owen joyner fic#platonic!reader x owen#platonic!charlie x owen#platonic!charlie x owen x reader
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The Blood That Haunts Me
post-scratch fic
no pairings
Hotch has a bad heart
word count 6k
In Savannah Hayes’ experience, Saturday’s are typically for parents with screaming toddlers looking for emergency medicine to soothe their fears about whatever toy their child has shoved up their nose or to ask an aged nurse what to do with this croup that just won’t go away. It’s scrapes and bruises from a fender bender with kids just learning to drive and roughly two to three broken arms from seven-year-olds learning to ride a bike without training wheels. With any luck, there will be only one underage kid in a banana bag and the college kids will be in and out for stitches and gone as quickly as they come. There’s always the regulars - older men and women that buzz with the opportunity to be out of their houses even if it’s to withstand the pain of stitches and staples on their thin skin.
Rarely has Savannah faced a Saturday where she knew someone being pulled into her emergency room. Virginia isn’t the biggest place but her friends are young and healthy and Saturdays are for squirmy children and stupid teenagers. When she sees him with his ankles stretched out over the end of the stretcher and a large hand weakly fighting with the paramedic to hold the oxygen mask over her face she’s certain of his identity. She’s good with faces and his is unmistakable.
“You shouldn’t be on break yet, baby.” Derek picks up on the first ring, the sound of Hank babbling loudly in the background making him chuckle deeply as he moves. The phone pinched between his shoulder and cheek, she can hear him pick up their son. Talking back to the baby.
Savannah is sitting in the emergency room, camped out behind the desk as she catalogs patient information. Despite it being a Saturday, the hospital is startlingly pretty timid (knock on wood). When there is a new patient the clatter is noticed. So when Hotch came in, supine but weakly fighting against the oxygen mask pulled down over his mouth, Savannah noticed. Even drugged and combative, he’s distinctly himself.
And as Savannah tells Derek, describes the man she’s quite fond of, he doesn’t believe her. Hotch doesn’t go to the hospital and no one’s heard from him in forever, he’s probably not even in Virginia. Garcia said Jack started high school last fall and if they were home and situated again with no contact then… Well, what are they supposed to do? “Derek--” Savannah can hear the pitch change in his voice. Derek goes from dismissive to genuinely worried and now pulling at strings because no one has talked to Hotch in months (nearly two years) and the idea of seeing him now is terrifying. “I am positive that it’s Hotch.” She leans around the monitor, frowning as she watches some nurses she knows buzz around him. Throwing out words she can’t make out entirely but she can see what they’re doing and it makes her heart jump a little to hear medications that they put orders out for.
Hotch makes a noise - it has to be loud for her to hear it from the distance she’s at. “Baby,” she stands and it makes her heart do a weird clenching thing when she catches a glimpse at his face. Sees that he’s crying and clearly upset. “Derek, he’s getting all kinds of agitated. I’m gonna call you back in a second, okay?” She doesn’t wait for an answer and tosses her phone down on her chair before calling out for one of the nurses she recognizes with a wave.
The nurse smiles when she sees Savannah - she’s got a particular gift with patients like Hotch.
“I know this one,” Savannah says, approaching the bed. “What have you got?”
Savannah doesn’t have all the details on the accident that occurred in 2009 with George Foyet. It’s not Derek’s story to tell and it’s not exactly the easiest one to bring into conversation. She’s aware of vague things like his collapse a few years later from scar tissue that caused him to bleed internally and that Hotch's ex-wife was killed by a serial killer. Mostly, she knows that Hotch is dependable and secure and that when he went into witness protection nearly two years ago his absence had crushed them all. Even if the likes of Emily Prentiss and her just as stubborn as hell husband would never admit it.
“Mild tachycardia and respiratory depression -” The nurse tells her about Hotch’s underactive thyroid, something he’s supposed to take medication for ever since the stabbing damaged the organs function. How it’s throwing his heart into tachycardia and it’s getting worse, not responding to medicine yet.
Savannah may not know what happened with George Foyet but she knows Derek regards Hotch as this infallible wall of a man. One she’s come to understand he thinks can’t ever fall down and one that, despite how fondly he’ll speak about him, annoys the hell out of him. Personally, Savannah thinks Aaron Hotchner is just a sweet man. She likes him and his little quirks. He’s quite the odd pairing when he gets together with Emily and Dave but they’re a funny crowd.
What she isn’t expecting is the mess of scars littering his chest. Experience allows her to date some of them by sight - their distinct shape and coloration clustering them into the same time frame and she can’t imagine how someone gets over half a dozen wounds like that at once. They don’t end there. On his right side, there’s a nearly faded out of existence scar from a chest tube. A puncture wound- something blunt she’d assumed by way of its roundness. Even a few rougher-looking, jagged scars that she assumes are shrapnel because Derek has nearly identical ones.
Savannah is a few moments too late to prevent Hotch from being pulled down by a sedative but he’s fighting it, blinking slowly to try and remain awake. “Hey,” she greets softly, turning his wrist over so she can see IV sight in his elbow. It’s secure and there’s nothing special to note but it’s going to bruise. “Long time no see Agent Hotchner.” She squeezes his fingers, smiling at the recognition behind his eyes even if his lips only form a silent mouthed version of her name.
With a smile - remembering the first time they met and how gently he’d taken her hand before shaking his head and admonishing “everyone calls me Hotch” - she reaches down and fixes his hair. He’s let it grow out since he left the BAU. Derek had been livid when he got word that Hotch wasn’t coming back despite the fact that he too left the unit. “How are you feeling, Hotch? Can I call someone?”
His eyes slide shut and for a moment she thinks he’s given in, sunk down low where his pain and his ailments can’t get him. He taps a finger against her palm and she understands he’s still here. “Morgan?” he rasps.
She nods, “Derek already knows you’re here. I imagine he’ll have the whole crew here in no time.” He grimaces, cracking an eye open to give her a look she understands entirely. She’s only ever faced their smothering worry once when Hank was born but she knows it’s a lot. It’s hard to imagine they’re going to somehow be less present and attuned with him than they with her. He’s not looking forward to that and it’s understandable. “Don’t worry,” she promises, “I’ll have your back when they get here.”
He nods, dull eyes sinking back under his eyelids. She holds his hand until she’s certain he’s fallen asleep.
“So,” the nurse asks softly. She moves and tubes and wires around so that they’re not laying against his bare skin. Folding the blankets over Hotch’s hips and leaving his chest bare. He’s still tachycardic, breathing laboriously through inflamed lungs. “How do you know this guy?”
Savannah sits down on the edge of the bed, taking Hotch’s hand into her own. Working her thumb in gentle, hypnotic motions between his knuckles and smiling sadly at the relieved rasping sigh that leaves his parted pale lips. “Family,” she answers because she’s not sure what the answer really is but in some way… yeah, family.
The nurse nods, going about what needs to be done while Savannah stays on the edge of the bed. She does what she can until she clears her throat. “Hey,” the nurse smiles, sympathetic to the soft faraway look in Savannah’s eyes. “Doctor Hamilton admitted him so I need to take him up to the--”
Savannah stands immediately, nodding. “Yeah,” she lays his hand back down on his chest. Stepping away from the bed, “sorry.” She shakes her head, stepping back as the brakes come up and he’s set into motion. “Second floor?” Savannah assumes.
The nurse nods, “he’ll be in room one seventeen. I’ll let the desk know he’s one of yours.”
Savannah watches him disappear down the hall, met at the mouth of the hall by other nurses and staff nodding as they take him to the right floor. She’d been there long enough to see his heart monitor and to identify the ventricular tachycardia plaguing him. He’ll likely need a pacemaker and she’s already racing to a solution. He’ll need to be monitored after surgery but can go home. Hank’s a little too small still but they have the guest room. If Derek cleans up the mess he lets Hank make in there--
Savannah’s heart sinks to the floor and she turns around. Hit with the sudden memory of the last event she saw Hotch at and remembers slowly that Hotch has a son and someone needs to find him.
All morning something had been off, Hotch didn’t have to say it for Jack to know. The oatmeal was made oddly, Hotch’s hands trembling so much he’d gotten the measurements wrong. Too much brown sugar but Jack hadn’t seemed to mind it being too sweet. He’d been distracted by his oatmeal and unalarmed by signs he hasn’t learned to be aware of. If Hotch had gotten up late or made breakfast and then laid down on the couch then Jack would have noticed. Bad days come frequently and like most storms look and sound distinct.
High anxiety days are an early rise, the sound of lights being turned on and off as Hotch fails to get comfortable in any room. Coming out of his room and finding his father curled up on the couch. His knees drawn up and a pillow pressed into his chest, a heated blanket wrapped around him like a cocoon. It’s lightly tiptoeing around the house so Hotch stays asleep and avoids him once he does move and allows his aching back to stretch out. Jack knows to keep his music down and to call Jessica if Hotch locks himself away.
Though time has dampened it’s severity it’s not impossible to find his father trying to work through untreated PTSD or ride out an intense wave of depression. Leaving him immobile or desperate for a distraction. Jack knows those things. He understands them and, like the blasting siren that screams out before a tornado, Jack knows when to duck for cover and ride out the storm.
But Jack had no idea what a heart attack would look like. What to expect or even if a heart attack had been what he’d seen.
Hands over his ears, Jack Hotchner sinks into the emotionless walls surrounding him. Trying to find the place past his body where everything ceases to exist. Insistently, against his will, he’s pulled back to a decade ago. To the sound of gunshots tearing through the only home he’d ever known. To Emily wiping his tears away with the palm of her hand, their backs to the carnage his father created in the fall. To a hospital not unlike this one where his father was patched up - open wounds covered and drugs numbing his rough edges - until Jack had finally been able to see him. The feeling of his father’s chest, broad and forever, solid as he’d curled his legs into his lap. His father cried softly as he explained what happened, what he’d done.
“Mommy isn’t coming home, buddy.”
Pinching his eyes shut, Jack rocks himself back and forth. He can’t go there. Not alone. He can’t go back to Foyet. He’s too old for those silly games. Too old for nightmares and monsters hiding under his bed. Unaware of the ones still crawling out of his father’s closet, wrapping their cold fingers around his ankle and threatening to pull him into the darkness with them.
You’re never too old for monsters.
Spencer had found the time to confide in Jack about being raised by a mentally ill single mother. His intent was to demonstrate to Jack that not only did he understand the pre-teens intense fury with his father but that the emotions would abate and Jack would have only a few moments to decide what to do next. How Spencer had turned eighteen and had to have his mother committed to an institution. A decision that haunted him but that he ultimately understood it was simply the only option. One day, Spencer clarified, Jack would understand the way his father worked.
Until that moment, Jack had been more or less paying attention. When it came to all things Uncle Spence, Jack typically has a longer attention span and all the patience in the world but the moment Jack realizes this was a one-on-one sort of deal he was done. He wanted out. But Reid stuttered. That one day, and the words had come out so quickly if he’d had a chance Reid would have stopped them, Jack would realize just what that meant. He’d look at his father and all the magic of his childish love would fall away and Jack would be left with his father’s bare bones. And it would be terrifying but, often, that’s all love is: all the bits bleached down to their true forms.
He gets it now, okay? The nutty academic parent with bouts of deep depression, an obsession with their jobs, and no idea how to say I love you like everyone else. He gets the comparison now. Can he be done? He wants to go home. He’s done learning this stupid lesson about love or whatever bullshit this is supposed to represent. When does it end? It’s going to end, right?
Derek Morgan falters in the doorway, stalled like an engine as he stands at the edge of the messy room. Hank hums in Derek’s left ear, bouncing his foot against Derek’s hip as he stands stationary and trying to wrap his head around everything happening. It’s overwhelming. Derek hasn’t seen Hotch in two years and if the sight of him alone - laid out right here - doesn’t bring its own intense wave of anger and longing then the sight of his uncovered chest is it’s own thing as well.
Hotch is on the bed, curled slightly to his right with the blankets leaving his pale chilled skin open. Even with his face turned into the pillow behind his head, he looks deathly pale in comparison to the white bedspread. Entirely too limp, too still as he lays there pulling in breaths audible over the hiss of the canal running under his nose. Nearly drowned out, consumed by the natural hums of the hospital and constant motion of the monitors to his left and the dissatisfied beep of the blood-pressure cuff around his right arm.
Savannah warned him of what he’d find once he got inside in case she got called away to a patient when he got there. She told him the buzz around the staff, what Hotch’s cardiologist thought and it stung to hear her warn him ahead of time what Hotch looked like, worse, she imagined, than what Derek was imaging. Weaker, she’d said as if the word was some sort of betrayal. He’s weak and Derek can’t push him and he’d wanted to advocate for himself but he couldn’t.
With tears in his eyes, he’d promised to be on his best behavior and Derek realized just how awful he and Hotch could be towards one another. How everyone sees it. He’d wondered if… Well, if Hotch hated him for it. They’d been close once. Partners. Haley used to joke she half expected he’d steal Aaron away from her. That old joke used to make Jason laugh so hard, the two of them together were the cause of all his worry and stress. Now…
Well, now Derek is standing in a room that can’t be more than a 120-foot space with far too much equipment in it feeling like he’s never been so far away from Hotch. So disconnected.
Hotch makes a soft sound from the bed, twitching his nose and flexing his fingers. There are more drugs than blood in him, keeping him weak and tired and unable to pick apart his surroundings. Hazy eyes blink open, peeled apart like they each weigh twenty pounds, and the simple act of keeping them open burns. He can’t make out the world around him very well but he sees the empty chairs on his left and the expanse of white all around. The hospital, he knows, and no one showed up.
Maybe they finally got wise and are leaving him to his own devices. Leaving him to rot where he won’t be missed. Sinking into the fibers of the bed and disappearing. They’ll stop pumping him so full of drugs and just let him wilt away. He wants it, craves the nothing he knows he’ll find. No masks or deception or this anger he feels burning and rearing its ugly head. Just nothing.
Derek steps into the room, sniffling to draw in some noise before he steps into Hotch’s line of sight. Hoping not to startle him, as he clears his throat, meeting Hotch’s gaze for only a moment looking down at his shoes. “Just me and Hank,” he offers. He tucks his hands into his pockets. He can feel Hotch still looking at him, hearing those painstakingly slow, labored breaths. He wishes he hadn’t come. To escape all this restless vulnerability.
Hotch’s eyes sink back shut, pale lips parting to mumbling, “Derek,” under his breath. Savannah told him Hotch wouldn’t even likely know he was there. The drugs are affecting his mental facilities, sedating him to keep him calm while they run tests. When he can remember what’s happening he’s scared and when he can’t… he has a baseline memory that hardly differentiates friend from foe. It’s the latter of which Savannah needs him to be aware of because Hotch’s heart can’t handle the stress. His mind is too clouded and his body too weak, he just needs someone to hold his hand. Someone to distract him.
Derek’s expecting a conversation. For Hotch to say something. To apologize for running off or to pay Hank some sort of mind. There’s not even a stiff silence, Hotch looks so weak, so pliant Derek isn’t sure he can even speak. He realizes that despite all the hefty warnings, despite everything that he was told he still walked into this room expecting Aaron Hotchner. He wanted, he needed the man in the suit, with that stern scowl, and gravelly voice. He’d needed the mask and instead he got the man. The man without the armor, just blood.
And it scares him.
It scares Derek that Hotch can’t put up his shields, that he can’t hide and play their cat and mouse game of anger and misunderstanding. They only have blind defeat.
Derek sits down in the visitor’s chair, shushing Hank when he squirms with agitation. Hank immediately starts touching everything in sight. Reaching and leaning dangerously out of Morgan’s lap, to touch the bed and smack his hand against the rail. A sound that makes Hotch’s eyes peel open to slivers before they shut again, unbothered. “Don’t touch that,” Derek pulls Hank into his lap, redirecting his attention.
He knows, from the low whine Hank lets out, that this isn’t going to work for very long. Mercifully, there’s a knock at the door and Savannah peeks her head in. Waving at Hank who fights his limbs out of Derek’s hold to be placed on the floor so he can propel his body in the direction of his mother.
“Hello baby,” Savannah scoops him right up. Grinning at that way he toddles, that quick toddler pace because he doesn’t know how to pump the brakes. How to set himself into motion that isn’t just guided by leaning forward and running.
Derek stands from his chair, clearing his throat and glancing down at Hotch before looking back to his wife and son.
Savannah can see his hesitation, his worry. “Why don’t we go to the cafeteria and get a snack? Hmm?” She jogs Hank up in her arms and he brightens at the offering - knowing pudding or a cookie is coming his way. “Derek?” She offers out her hand to him, “come on. I’ll explain everything to you downstairs.”
“Ugh--” all he can see is Hotch shivering. His skin slick with sweat from the strain on his body but the way he’s curled into the side. Trying to produce warmth where it isn’t. “Just give me a second.” Derek knows he can’t just throw the blanket over Hotch and he works himself up, gets upset just thinking about the mass of awful scars keeping his friend held together. All the old scars are bare for anyone and everyone to see. If Hotch had the presence of mind for it, he’d be upset.
With a gentleness born with great amounts of stress, Derek gently works the lower half of the blanket over Hotch’s leg. He folds the lower half over and hesitates, stares at Hotch, and wonders just how much he’s allowed. Hotch is cold and Derek knows that means his arms too but that crosses their line. They’re never spoken out loud, only shot through glances about trust and touch but Hotch is asleep or maybe lost to his haze of drugs (and Derek’s not really sure if there’s a difference between those two things). So, he picks up Hotch’s hand, swallowing against the uncomfortable swell of his throat when he feels just how cold the other man’s skin is. He tucks Hotch’s hand carefully against his chest.
Hotch’s face twitches, a grimace that makes him jerk his head but he doesn’t move his hand so Derek leaves it. Carefully, still watching and waiting for some explosive reaction but none come. Derek turns the heated blanket up to the highest setting, making sure even Hotch’s shoulders are covered. Tucking the blanket just under his chin.
Hotch groans from the back of his throat, a startling noise that comes with blinding panic. His eyes fly open, darting around the room and to Derek but not seeing. Derek can’t tell if it’s pain or fear but the machine over his shoulder picks up pace, reflecting Hotch’s distress. Hotch swallows thickly, mouth opening and eyes flicking around the room. Twisting, fighting his body in a futile battle where he loses no matter the outcome. Kicking out and dislodging blankets as he’s blinded by his pain.
“Step back Derek.” Derek just stands there, frozen. Savannah grabs him by the arm and pulls him back, allowing other people to come into the room. “He’s okay,” she mumbles, eyes glued to Hotch. He’s fighting blindly, anything and everything. His heart can’t take it, her eyes flick from his bare skin to the monitors. To the staff also taking note. “Derek, we can’t be in here.”
They pull the crash cart close, preparing vials of medicine before their eyes.
“What’re they--” Derek can’t move. He stands there watching them move blankets out of the way. Listening as they pull open a drawer and settle a machine on top and he knows what it is. Doesn’t need to be told what’s happening next. “Savannah.” He stumbles back, shaking his head. The machine wines, a high-pitched squeal that makes Derek’s heart pick up.
He doesn’t see, doesn’t watch.
He’s standing in the hall when the machine fires off. Can close his eyes but can’t unhear the sound of Hotch’s low groan, a punched-out sound but he’s alive. Still pulling in breaths.
“Morgan?”
He was still a baby the last time Morgan saw him. Quickly trying to climb to his father’s height but every bit as graceful as a colt, and angry. Angry with his father for falling into this same repeated history and questioning what he knew. How much of his father’s strength is something else? What does he really know about the man who raised him? Because he got himself a chunk of history, started to understand the man he’d always blindly turned to. His hero. Instead, he got glimpses, stories about the boy his mother knew and he could no longer recognize him.
But standing here now is a whole teenager. Blonde hair grown out and even taller, built unmistakably like his father with all height in his legs and pale.
“Jack.” Morgan stumbles back when Jack collides into him, long arms wrapping around him. “Oh my God,” he whispers. “When the hell did you get so big?” He’s standing there, a whole armful of the kid he used to give piggyback rides to.
Jack pulls away and wipes his eyes, furiously wipes his eyes so that Morgan can unsee the tears streaming down his face. “My-- My dad,” he asks. “Did you see him?” Jack looks at the room, alerted by the sounds coming from within, but Morgan steps in the way. “Morgan is he-- is he in there?” Jack worms his way out of Morgan’s arms, a whole tangle of long limbs.
Hotch would be proud to know Jack is exactly like him, real scrappy. A lot of fight for such a lanky person.
“Jack,” Morgan pulls him away from the door. Despite how much he wants to go to Hotch too, that’s not where Jack should be. That’s not what Jack should see. “Come on, kid. We can’t go in there. Come on.” The fight leaves him easily enough, he’s really just a kid standing there looking for someone to tell him what to do. Anyone to point him where he’s supposed to be.
Jack still wants to turn, as if pulled by strings.
“I called Rossi,” Morgan offers. Something to distract him, something good. “Everyone else? Reid and Garcia and Emily? They’re on their way, okay?” And even with loaded promises Jack can’t find the nerve to respond. Their names used to be a solace. Someone to call when he needs help with his math homework. To show up with books on whatever cool thing he’s into this week. His family.
People he hasn’t seen in forever.
They do come.
Hank’s ambling about, babbling to Morgan as he pulls his father around the waiting room. It’s his excited squeal that alerts them to the other’s arrival. To Reid holding the door open so the others can pass. The pile-up that happens, shocked inhales and silence as they stand there and look at the carnage. At Jack’s tear-stained face and Morgan going where Hank pulls but empty, fearful.
“Uncle Dave?” Jack stands up, wiping at his face with the back of his hand.
Dave smiles, “hey kiddo.” He doesn’t argue against the armful of Jack he gets, just closes him up. “Christ,” Dave whispers. “You’re a giant.”
“What is he feeding you?” Jack turns around and finds Emily and all she can do is laugh as he hugs her too. Finds herself all wrapped up in his long arms. “I’m going to give him a piece of my mind,” she whispers, “letting you get so big.” She squeezes him tight, cups the back of his head.
There’s not much more time for reunions, never much time for anything.
“Aaron Hotchner?”
Never get used to this part either. The sitting. The waiting. The calling.
Savannah was right about the tachycardia.
“With your permission - ” and it’s important that detail be added. That Hotch can’t make this decision for himself anymore and it’s resting entirely on the shoulders of Jessica or Dave and Emily alternatively. That doesn’t mean it’s not like a kick to the gut. A cruel taunt. “We would like to prepare him for the surgery now while he’s stable.” Stable? Is that what he is? Laying back there with defibrillator pads on his chest and sedated to the point that Morgan wasn’t sure Hotch could even recognize him.
Jack sniffles, ducking his head and whispering to Emily. Attached to her hip, clinging to her. She shakes her head and brushes his hair back, “it doesn’t work like that, Jack.” Jack’s lower lip trembles and it breaks Emily’s heart so she interrupts the doctors. Despite the voice at the back of her head telling her this isn’t a good idea. Despite the sour twist in her stomach. The way she knows Hotch wouldn’t want this. “I know there are strict rules,” and that alone should be enough to know they’re likely to be shot down. “Is there any chance he can go back before the surgery? This is his son, he’s fifteen. He’ll be sixteen soon. You’re hardly breaking the rules at all.”
Soon is a bit of a stretch. Jack’s an October baby.
The doctor looks at Jack and sighs like this is really putting him off but nods. “Yeah, quickly. Five minutes, do you understand? You can’t be back there long,”
And Jack thinks he’s won something grand. That he’ll be faced with the same mirage Morgan was expecting. His dad will be sitting back there tall and strong, probably just tired like he’s sick. But he takes one step into the room and wishes he hadn’t come. Hadn’t asked.
They haven’t removed the defibrillator pads on his chest just pulled a blanket over his stomach but that only minimally covers the damage. There are still visibly warped bullet wounds and jagged surgical scars to be seen. But Dave has seen all that. He’d been there to watch the blood spray out when the scar on Hotch’s shoulder took place. Shouted as the gunshot sprayed out and Hotch grunted, being sent back into the wall behind him. But that was… God, that was a lifetime ago when Hotch was just a kid.
Dave turns behind him and sees Jack frozen in the doorway, eyes wide. “Are you sure you want to do this?”
Jack nods but he can hardly move, can’t force himself to move further into the room. He’s seen his father shirtless, not enough times to really gather anything but he’s seen the damage of years of this job has caused. But this is different. Jack isn’t six, isn’t watching him shave. He’s standing there watching him pull in laborious breaths, struggling to keep living.
“You know,” Rossi sits down in the visitor’s chair. “When you were born he cried so hard that Gideon had to call me.” He looks back at Jack, watching his face for some inclination that he’s going to either come into the room or run away. “Haley was exhausted but… She was beautiful, always was. No matter if she was showing up at the office to haul your father home by the ear in her pajamas or crying her make-up off in the waiting room waiting for your knucklehead father to get out of surgery.”
But he’s missed the point.
He chances a glance to Hotch, watching his pale face twist in discomfort. “You were born at eleven at night and by that point I was already in bed and done for the night by ten kind of guy.” He can still remember sighing and almost ignoring his phone when it had gone off. “I got to the hospital and your dad was sitting on the floor just outside the room, sobbing so hard I thought he’d pass out.” It’s still pretty surprising he didn’t pass out. “Didn’t think he could do it. You were so small, small, and pink and screaming your little head off.”
Jack huffs, smiling as he kicks at the ground. Looking everywhere but his father or Dave.
“But I picked him up,” grabbed him by his shirt and forced him to his feet. Managing the tough love Gideon couldn’t bring himself to enforce. “I don’t think he stopped crying until he fell asleep. Just sitting there with you in his arms crying.” Rossi sighs shakes his head. “Honestly, you were tiny. Had a-- Had a thing with your heart and…” Rossi had held Jack after Hotch and Haley finally managed to catch some sleep. A nurse had figured he or Gideon one had to be a grandfather, why else would they be there? They’d sat there with Jack for about an hour just gushing over how small and cute he was. Trying to keep the baby content so Haley could get some sleep.
Drowsily his voice cuts through the silence, nothing but a ghost of a whisper. “An atrial septal defect.” It’s all he can manage but it’s enough to get their attention. Jack had been born with an atrial septal defect and they knew about it in advance just after Haley’s pregnancy got tricky. It was just a tiny little hole in his atrium, closed before he was a whole year old. That doesn’t mean it didn’t scare the hell out of them first. Leave them to check his bassinet every few hours. To make sure he was okay, still breathing.
“The doctor said I shouldn’t play soccer because of it.” Jack manages a few steps and comes to the very end of the bed. His fingers just barely touching the bed frame. “But you let me play anyways.”
Hotch clears his throat, shakes his head. “I didn’t. Jessica did.” He grimaces, shifting uselessly to find a position that doesn’t hurt. “Said-- She said if you were anything like me you’d find a way.” He’s talked himself breathless, gasping and fighting to breathe. “Might as well-- Might as well make it easy on myself. Just let you do it.” So he had. He signed Jack up for soccer despite his own fears and went to every match he could. Every practice. Until he was the only parent paying attention.
He coughs softly, setting off a weight and ache in his lungs. “Jessica--” he cuts himself off, coughing until he holds his breath and fists the sheets in his hand to keep from still.
Jack looks away, fixes his eyes on the floor.
Dave calls it. Hotch won’t admit he’s not okay and Dave would venture Jack has that same stubborn-streak, doesn’t want to think that Hotch isn’t okay.
“Come on,” Dave motions for Jack to follow him. “Times up, better get out of here before they kick us out.” Five or so minutes, that’s all they had and that’s passed. “You’ll be fine,” Dave promises.
He struggles to get his breath, to say something coherent. “Wait,” he grabs Dave’s shirt. Hospitals are so cold, they’re scary and miserable and he doesn’t want to be here. He wants to go home. “I’m sorry,” he manages. “I’m sorry.”
Dave pulls Jack on, can’t leave him behind, and can’t stay any longer.
“What did he mean?” Jack asks. He keeps looking back, looking over his shoulder to the room. “Why’d he say that?” He has to run to keep up with Dave’s pace. “Dave, please. Why’d he say he was sorry?”
Dave stops and just stands for a moment, looking at the hall before them. “He’s scared,” Dave answers, finally. “He’s just scared, that’s all.”
He doesn't think he’s going to make it. That’s the horrible ugly truth. That’s why he apologized. Just in case.
“Come on,” Dave holds out his arm. Smiles a smile that doesn't even try to make it to his eyes and wraps an arm around Jack. “It’s going to be okay. You know that?”
Jack looks back over his shoulder once more, to the room. He doesn’t buy it for a second but he nods anyway. “Course,” he answers.
“Good. That’s good.”
#criminal minds#criminal minds fanfiction#aaron hotchner#savannah hayes#derek morgan#hank morgan#jack hotchner#david rossi#emily prentiss#spencer reid#penelope garcia#jennifer jareau
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The World Ticked By
There is something to be said about sweetness that rotted, kindness could fool any man with a heart and eyes that couldn't magically see past deception. With every sacharine word there would always be a gullible fool to follow them.
The twins were so cute, Patton thought, watching the toddlers bumble around and do as toddlers did. Here in there city the world was in a weird state of time, sometimes it went quick and sometimes not at all. Or maybe Patton had simply lost the ability to find time.
Remus was brain and Roman was brawn, there was no question the two were a mischevious pair. Patton preffered brawn over brain truth be told. There was just something unsettling about the way Remus stared at him with eyes that showed he was understanding more then he was saying.
Roman grew big, and strong, an overachiever and a man to pull at your heartstrings. Romancer and actor extraordinaire, he sang serenades to the men he wanted to date and every handwritten song was a beautiful poem written from the heart. Remus grew twisted, interests were scattered but always easy to identify. The dark and scary, the things most children put away in their nightmares and never returned to.
Before they were simply a mischevious duo, but much like Patton people were starting to prefer brawn over brain. Though Patton tried hard to let the others care for Remus continue! "Oh no, he's not bad, he just has.. weird interests! I'm sure he's not going to hurt anyone!" He would say, innocent, caring.
Then why, Remus would wonder, did Roman get Patton's attention more often. No matter what attrocity he committed Patton missed every event, but he was at every show Roman had. And perhaps that wonder is what made it go down the drain.
Roman trusted Patton, more then their own father. Patton hadn't intended for that, of course, he was just a little doting.
"Patton! I got the part!" Roman would exclaim, throwing open Patton's door. Patton's eyes lit up. Roman! Just the man he was looking for.
"Roman.. the knob broke the wall," Patton says, looking at where Roman had thrown open the door. Roman laughed awkwardly, rubbing the back of his head.
"Ah.. sorry.."
"But you got the part!" Patton would say. Truth be told Roman was a bit annoying nowadays, always in the spotlight. "I'm so proud of you! C'mere I made pie, have a slice!"
Roman would walk to the kitchen and the door would fall shut behind him. A slice of pie placed in front of him and he dug in with delight.
The world ticked by. Patton watched it continue. The police stopped by his door.
"Roman's missing?! Oh I hope you find him!" Patton was so sweet, "I last saw him going to the theatre! He wanted to see if he got the part! Oh please, please, find him!" Tears streaked down his cheeks in a sacharine display of despair.
A week passed. Two. Three. No one ever found Roman. Life moved on, the world stayed in orbit.
Remus knocks on the door. Patton hadn't seen brain in a bit, honestly he was getting a bit concerned. Remus hadn't taken Roman's disappearance well. He was delighted when Remus reached out. Dusting off his shirt, he opened the door. "Remus!" He says in a soft exclamation, "I haven't seen you in so long.."
Remus entered without a word, he waited for the door to shut. "..Patton.." He says, voice quiet, "I.. I was doing some digging on Roman's disappearance."
"Oh.. honey, I'm so sorry," Patton says gently, "You shouldn't dig into that.. it's been so long.."
"It's been three years," Remus says, "And I- I did a lot of research. I know it was you."
"What? That's ridiculous!" Patton says, "Remus, how could I-"
"I have a folder full of evidence. I first thought it because I had followed Roman to the theatre. His first words when he saw he got the part were I have to tell Patton."
Patton's mouth closes. Remus said he evidence and Patton believed him, Remus had always been the brain to Roman's brawn. Patton's eyes flicked down to the baseball bat by the door. A gift from the neighbours kid, a teen who seemed to live in a patchwork sweater. Silently, he grabbed it.
No one missed Remus. Or, Patton thought no one did. Virgil, the new neighbours kid, he came over asking if Patton had seen Remus. He was cute and awkward, as teens were.
"Hey.. uh, have you seen Remus, sir?" Patton liked him already! So polite.
"I haven't.. I'm so sorry Virgil," his eyes flicked to the grey sky behind him. Virgil seemed to like and hate the rain, Patton caught him staring out of his window into it often. As if reading Patton's thoughts, the downpour started.
"Come in! Oh it's raining I won't let you walk out in that!" Patton says sternly, but kindly. Virgil blushed in awkward embarrassment and comes in.
"Sorry, I don't mean to be a burden," Virgil says. Patton gasps.
"Virgil, my sweet shadow child! You are never a burden. Come have some cookies! I just baked them!"
The world ticked by. Virgil had only known Remus for a month. No one really looked for Remus, anyway, and truth be told Patton knew that. Virgil loved Patton, wwho was always kind to him and baked bat-shaped cookies and packed him a lunch every day since his parents wouldn't.
Virgil's breath came out in heaves as he slammed his fist into the door, knocking in desperation. It was raining and he was drenched. Patton opens the door with wide eyes, seeing Virgil drenched and crying at his door.
"Patton! Patton they kicked me out I don't know what to do and-"
"Virgil, Virgil, it's okay, you can stay here," Patton says, already leading him inside and sitting him down in his favourite chair. He rushed upstairs to grab the towels, and help dry Virgil off.
The world ticked by. Virgil had no friends and his parents had wanted him gone from the first of seventeen years since he'd been spawned. The police had no way of knowing Virgil talked to anyone. He was picked on at school, his parents didn't care.. he was probably just another runaway.
A knock on Patton's door, it's been a year. He's starting to grey now, older, more tired, but he answers the door with a smile nonetheless.
"Patton Heartrude," Logan greets, voice set and firm. "May I enter? I am with the police."
"Its been an awful long time since someones visit, come on in! Funny enough, I have loganberry pie in my kitchen!" Patton says, leading Logan inside. Logan looked quite pleased at that, Patton gave him a slice and sat him down. A classic! He approved of Logan's taste.
"I'm a detective working on a string of missing persons cases," Logan says, "I.. they all have some sort of connection to you, I believe. I simply want more information on them."
Patton smiles. "Okay! I'd be happy to tell you all that I can! I hope you can find at least one.."
The world ticked agonizingly by. Patton was much older, now. His son rarely visitted from college, to busy being out in the world. Meeting a boy named Janus. Patton didn't mind. He was grateful Thomas at least came to stay during his last days. Taking care of him. Patton's eyes closed peacefully and he passed without a regret.
In two months, Thomas would be clearing out the house and he'd find a trapdoor in a closet and descend down into some secret basement.
The world stopped ticking by.
#tw murder#murder#murder tw#murderous patton#unsympth patton#patton sanders#unsympathetic patton#remus sanders#sanders sides#virgil sanders#logan sanders#janus sanders#thomas sanders#character thomas#implied murder#disappearances
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Poison (Part 2)
Author: bvidzsoo
Warnings: violence, swearing, blood
Pairing: Kim Mingyu x female reader
Word count: 18, 095
Summary: It seemed like Kim Mingyu’s words were true, once you enter this life style, you can’t just end it. You are forever in the system, forever being watched, even if you were an innocent by-stander. It seems like no matter how much you want to end things with Kim Mingyu, he just keeps pulling you in more and more danger. After all, he’s made it very clear, he wants you.
A/N: Oh my God! It’s finally here! Can you believe it?! This beautiful piece of art has been sitting in my drafts half finished for so long that I’m about to cry that’s how happy I am that I finished it. I really hope you will enjoy it and don’t be shy, leave your feedback! I have to say that my Seventeen phase (not me calling it a phase =))) is back real bad this time, so I don’t want to give you false hope, but damn, I have idea for a third part. I’m not saying a third part is coming, but it could come at some point if my writer’s block goes away. Anyways, I’ve said too much already, have fun reading!
The days after my kidnapping were quiet and uneventful. I would lie if I said I didn’t double check my apartment before leaving it and when arriving at home or checking if I was being followed around. If they kidnapped me so easily in broad daylight, I don’t even want to imagine what other horrific things they could do. And thanks to me being the ever observant person, it didn’t take me long to realize that, in fact, I was being followed around every day. By none other than...Kim Mingyu. Yes, he was everywhere I went. At late evening in the supermarket when I forgot I had no porridge for breakfast and needed it as fast as possible, on a cold morning when I went out for a run and probably froze my lungs because I was stupid, and then the best part...he just had to be there every day at the bookstore. He never entered, only walked by peeking inside, looking like the creepy dude he is. Irene was quick to pick up on it after the third day he went by our window and I tried to lie to her, persuade her into believing that he probably was a new resident in the neighbourhood and was taking walks but no...she kept saying he looked at me and only me every time he passed by the bookstore. So, I ended up telling her only half of the story, leaving out all the gang related things. She was excited to hear about it and kept telling me to go for it but...that’s not a good idea. I should probably stay away from the gang unless I want to get kidnapped again. Yet, Mingyu’s words would sometimes haunt me late at night when I can’t sleep, echoing in my head. There is no way out once you get involved in something like this, is there?
And yet, my curiosity got the best of me, and one day I couldn’t help it but speak up about it.
“Seungcheol,” I said lowly, turning towards my best friend. He looked up from his notebook, his brows in between a frown and arch.
“I want to meet Seventeen” I said seriously, looking him in the eyes. His eyebrows shot up and he closed his notebook.
“What?” He asked after blinking twice.
“Seventeen” I said again, narrowing my eyes when he just shrugged, “Are you dumb? Don’t play the idiot with me--I will smack you, you know I’m not afraid!”
“What’s a Seventeen though?” He asked, a chuckle leaving his lips. I raised my fist in warning and he scooted backwards, away from my reach.
“Your gang, you idiot!” I snapped after two minutes of silence and of us just staring at each other.
“Oh” He chuckled before he started giggling loudly, making my eyebrows furrow in irritation, “You mean, SVT”
“No, I mean, Seventeen” I snapped, crossing my arms in front of my chest.
“Who told you that? No one calls us Seventeen, Y/N” He started laughing loudly when I huffed and rolled my eyes.
“Kim Mingyu! He told me!” I exclaimed, offended, wanting him to shut up already. Maybe I can threaten Seungcheol with Mingyu and Mingyu with Seungcheol, I have these boys at my knees.
“He’s an idiot, he was playing around with you, Y/N” He chuckled when I rolled my eyes and raised an eyebrow.
“I’m serious, Seventeen or SVT, I want to meet the guys. Let me know the name of the guy who pointed a gun at your head” I muttered with a glare while gazing out the window.
“You know if I do that there’s no turning back, right?” Seungcheol turned serious as he scooted closer to me.
“I was already kidnapped once...there was no turning back the second I decided to interfere with your business, Cheol” I said as I looked at him, a reassuring smile resting on my lips.
“It’s better for you to not know much, Y/N. When you know more, you’ll be more exposed to the dangers that come with this life” Seungcheol said with a smile and I leaned my head against his shoulder.
“Do you think someone would believe me if I said I didn’t know anything? Those guys didn’t and yet I was saying the truth…” Seungcheol hummed while I pouted, glancing down at our notebooks. We were just some stupid kids who went to college to study something so that they can work somewhere later. No one would say Seungcheol was in a gang nor that a gang leader followed me around, life really is full of surprises.
“Besides…” I grinned involuntarily before quickly turning serious, “Mingyu keeps following me around”
“What?” Seungcheol exclaimed, sitting up straight as I raised my head and giggled.
“Yeah, he’s been doing it for weeks now...I think I saw Wonwoo too once…” My eyes narrowed as I thought back to the rainy day when the red car was going way too slow for someone who was supposed to circulate on a busy street.
“Idiot, Kim Mingyu is an idiot” Seungcheol shock his head with a tired sigh and I kissed his cheek before going back to studying.
So that conversation led to the current situation aka Seungcheol parking in some underground parking lot of a fancy building. It was in the heart of the city, a rather expensive part of the city.
“Is this the headquarters or something…?” I raised my eyebrows at him when he led the way to the elevator.
“Bingo” He sent a wink while pushing a button, top floor. I hummed, looking back at him with my eyebrows furrowed.
“Aren’t you supposed to have run down warehouses as your headquarters?”
“Isn’t that too shady and too obvious?” Seungcheol chuckled when I shook my head.
“We are high class infractors, baby” He winked at me and I rolled my eyes while pretending to gag, “Besides, I’m pretty sure Minghao would leave the gang the second he had to place foot in such place”
“Why...is he the diva or something?” I asked with a chuckle while trying to associate a face with the name. Vernon told me but it was long ago and I forgot. Wait, his name was Vernon, wasn’t it?
“No, Y/N, Seungkwan is the one and only diva” Seungcheol said with a shake of his head.
“What does he do?” I asked just as the elevator stopped.
“Gun trafficking” I hummed with a shrug as the doors opened, the elevator leading into a big hallway with a single double door. Seungcheol led the way and went towards the control panel where he blocked my view to not see the password. I scoffed as the door dinged open and he sent me a cheeky grin.
The room was different from what I was expecting. The penthouse was definitely turned into an office-like place just darker and...illegal. There was a small lobby where Seungcheol instructed me to take off my long coat before we’d go further inside. The air smelled of lavender and I tried not to show disgust as it was bothering me, I never liked lavender. The floor was all black and the walls a rather dark brown, my heels clicked against the marble floor. To our left there were three doors and a place that looked like a kitchen with a bar. To our right there was an open space which was equipped like a living room and there were stairs that led upstairs to another three rooms. Then to our right, facing our backs was a huge glass door that led inside a huge room. I could see inside, it was full of guys. Probably all from Seventeen as they were lounging around on the couches or playing video games. Seungcheol nudged me with a chuckle and I sent him a glare as he led the way and opened the door for me, it was a sliding door. No one seemed to notice us, suddenly with the open door the room was noisy as people were chatting loudly, some even screaming from one end of the room to the other, while others were laughing loudly. I spotted Wonwoo in the corner of the room, sitting in a chair with a book in his hands, eyebrows furrowed in concentration. How could he read when everything was so chaotic around him?
Seungcheol cleared his throat rather loudly and suddenly the room went quiet. I felt uncomfortable when all twelve eyes set on me, curious and calculating. I straightened my posture and walked inside the room with Seungcheol right behind me as he closed the door. There was a certain smell in the air, light smoke floating around. It didn’t even take more than a second for me to find whom it was coming from. Mingyu was sitting on a sofa next to Wonwoo’s chair, hands resting behind his head and his legs spread so wide it took up more than half of the sofa, and the sofa looked huge. His eyes raked over my body and a smirk crossed his lips, making me scowl at him. The guys looked from me to Mingyu then back at me with curious looks, making me further uncomfortable.
“How about we stop staring at Y/N like she’s some sort of alien, I’m pretty sure we are making her uncomfortable” Vernon was the first one to speak up with a comforting smile, a beanie covered his light blue hair from the eyes of others.
“She’s only here to meet you guys, so don’t even think of anything else--” Seungcheol’s voice turned threatening and I chuckled amused, “I’m talking to you, Jun”
A taller man with his hair, still, slicked back shrugged amused.
“How are you?” I was startled when an arm was draped around my shoulders. I turned my head only to be met with Vernon’s beautiful face. Wow, he’s truly handsome from up close.
“Had better days...if only they’d stop staring” I pretended to whisper to Vernon, rather loudly of course, making a few guys chuckle.
“Well, seems like you’ve never seen a woman before” I said with a shrug, a blonde haired guy, who I saw already once, starting laughing rather loudly, “My name is Oh Y/N, nice to meet you guys”
“Chwe Hansol Vernon” Vernon beside me extended his hand and I shook it with a chuckle, bowing my head a little.
“Nice to meet you, Vernon...again” I said with a smile and Vernon winked at me playfully.
“That’s too much” Seungcheol muttered from beside me and before I could react, his hands gripped my shoulders and I was turned away from Vernon.
“Let’s do the tour then” He said with a sigh, pushing me towards the first person to our left by my shoulders.
“That’s Seokmin, funny person please don’t hang out with him too much, he might try teaching you how to be cute--I’m being very sarcastic right now, Seokmin” Seungcheol was glaring at the widely smiling boy who didn’t seem to mind my best friend’s words. I chuckled and shook his extended hand.
“Nice to me you, Y/N” He said while blinking rapidly, “I’ll make sure to spend lot’s of quality time with you”
I giggled as Seungcheol whirled me away from Seokmin while grunting nonsense from behind.
“That’s Jihoon but most people call him Woozi” I offered a small smile at the short man, his sharp eyes made him look intimidating. He didn’t extend his hand nor said a thing so I just walked past him, Seungcheol still hanging onto my shoulders.
“That’s Jeonghan” He pointed at a guy with his hair in a man bun, wow he’s really handsome, “And that’s Joshua” The man beside him had a fancy look and his smile was warm.
“So...you two are my stalkers, I see…” I said playfully and both cracked some grins, while Joshua bowed his head. Seungcheol pushed me towards the blond haired guy who was smiling so widely his eyes disappeared.
“He’s--”
“Hoshi, Soonyoung. I’m both, call me whichever you prefer” He said in one breath, taking my hand in his before I could even offer it to him. I shook his hand, his grip rather strong for a skinny looking man like him.
“Hoshi means star in--”
“Japanese!” He exclaimed, interrupting me.
“Yeah” I chuckled a little breathlessly, his energy taking me by surprise. He waved at me cutely when Seungcheol pushed me from behind and we passed by Mingyu, who sent a wink at me and I rolled my eyes at him, and Wonwoo, who I waved at and got a nose scrunched smile back. He was the cutest, I can’t believe he’s part of a gang.
“They are Minghao and Jun, I learned my good Chinese from them,” Seungcheol said proudly and I bowed a little. Minghao’s fur coat was gone but his turtleneck looked just as fancy and Jun bit his lip as his eyes ran over my body. I made eye contact with him and made sure he saw my glare, clearly I didn’t appreciate his openly devouring eyes.
“Junhui” I heard Mingyu call out from behind us, still sitting lazily on the sofa. The four of us glanced back at him and he only raised an eyebrow at Jun, making him roll his eyes with a groan before he turned towards Minghao and muttered something to him in chinese. Seungcheol led me away from the two Chinese men and I turned my head towards him.
“What did he say to Minghao?” I asked quietly and Seungcheol just shrugged.
“Probably just cursed Mingyu, he always does that”
“I’m not Mingyu’s property, can he stop acting like it?” I growled, eyes finding Mingyu who was watching us closely. I sent him a harsher glare than the one Jun got before turning around and towards another blonde haired man. He had full cheeks and he looked like another kind and pleasant person. These guys are so misleading with their appearances.
“Hi, I’m Seungkwan.” He was quick to speak up, his head held rather high and lips forming a tiny pout. He looked funny, I almost burst out laughing.
“Nice to meet you, Seungkwan” I shook his hand with a small smile, “I’ve heard great things about you”
“Really?” His demeanor suddenly changed, his face lit up with excitement before he could contain himself, he still willed his expression to go back to being uncaring.
“Of course” I said with a chuckle as Seungcheol and I walked towards the last person I didn’t know from the room. He was sitting on the floor, playing a video game. I already like this guy, he didn’t even bother looking at me.
“Hi, I’m Chan” He nodded towards me once and I smiled at him.
“Y/N, nice to meet you Chan” He hummed with a small smile as he focused on his game.
“Ah, that’s not right,” Jeonghan said with a sigh, holding the bridge of his nose. I raised my eyebrows at Seungcheol, his chin rested against my shoulder, as a grin spread on his lips.
“Since when are you Chan?” Jeonghan continued and Chan groaned, eyebrows furrowing.
“I told you to stop!” He whined loudly, making Joshua and Jeonghan chuckle to themselves.
“Who’s baby are you, Dino?” My eyebrows furrowed as I looked questioningly at Seungcheol.
“He’s the youngest, we call him Dino too but recently he said he doesn’t like the name anymore...I think you can figure now why” I laughed loudly as I placed a hand against my mouth, Jeonghan sent me an appreciative grin.
“I’ll unplug your game--”
“I’m Jeonghan’s baby” Chan was quick to say and Jeonghan hummed, walking over to pat his head.
“He’s so cute I can’t help it” Jeonghan said with a shrug while Chan groaned. I chuckled and Seungcheol, finally, detached himself from me and walked away with Jeonghan, sending a cute wink at me. I sighed and looked around the room, finally everyone went back to what they were doing. Jun and Minghao were in a corner doing something on their phones while talking. Hoshi was listening to music next to Woozi who seemed to be writing. Seokmin joined Chan in playing the video game and Seungkwan was humming to himself while playing on his phone, glancing at me from time to time and sending me judging looks. He looked truly funny. Seungcheol, Jeonghan and Joshua were sitting on bar stools as they quietly spoke between each other. I felt awkward standing in the middle of the room as I contemplated what to do. I could go over to Seungcheol but they seem like they want to be left alone, Mingyu is not even an option, Wonwoo went back to reading and he’s sitting way too close to Mingyu for my liking and--
“So” Vernon. Right, there’s Vernon, who decided to save me from my misery.
“Yes?” I raised an eyebrow at him and he chuckled.
“I don’t think you want to stand around here for longer”
“No, I don’t, you are right--but, I’m not sitting next to Mingyu!” I said quickly, rather loudly as Chan and Seokmin chuckled.
“You don’t have to, you see that?” He pointed at the empty spot beside Seungkwan on the black sofa, “That’s my sofa”
“Yours?” I raised my eyebrows at him, “Did you buy it or something?”
“No, but I usually sit there” He said with a shrug and I chuckled.
“You are just a bunch of kids, how are you running a gang?” Seungkwan scoffed while I sat down, placing his phone down.
“We are not kids, I bet we are all older than you” He said sassily and Vernon smirked at him as he sat down on the other end of the sofa.
“I bet I tower over half of you” I said with a shrug while I sat next to Seungkwan, an eyebrow arched. Seungkwan scoffed and stood up, sent me a pointed glare before he stalked off to Hoshi and Woozi.
“He doesn’t like me much, does he?” I asked turning towards Vernon.
“He’s a funny guy” He said with a chuckle while he shook his head, “He needs time to adjust to you. Besides, he’s only playing tough, he’s not really...trust me, he’s my closest friend”
“You’ve known each other for long?” I asked curiously, eyes examining the room again. When my eyes fell on Mingyu I narrowed them, wishing he’d stop looking at us. He was directly across from us, in the other corner of the room, and he was watching us closely.
“We grew up together, everyone in this room...I’ve known them for over ten years” Vernon said quietly, his voice holding love and warmness. My eyes widened as I looked back at him, shocked. Seungcheol never bothered to tell me anything about them, scared he’d expose me to more danger.
“That’s a really long time” I breathed out as Vernon smiled at me.
“Yeah, how did you meet Seungcheol? He refused to tell me anything when I asked about you…” Vernon said with an embarrassed chuckle and my eyes widened again.
“You...asked about me?” I grinned when he nodded his head shyly. He looked cute with that beanie and small smile.
“When I moved here, I was looking for a place to stay at and he accidentally spilled his coffee all over me so...that’s when we first met. Then we met at our university and it turns out, before I moved to my current apartment, our flats were next to each other. The Universe really wanted us together” I chuckled and shrugged while Vernon hummed impressed.
“That’s nice, I tend to say...nothing happens without a reason, so…”
“So, I was supposed to meet him in order to meet you guys?” I raised an amused eyebrow and Vernon nodded with a wide grin.
“I still didn’t forget you pointing that gun at my best friend’s head” I raised an eyebrow when Vernon looked away with a frown, “If you’ve known each other for so long...why would you point a gun at his head?”
“We were being watched, no one knew, only Mingyu and I. Our gang is discreet, Y/N, no one from the outside knows anything about us. They don’t know we grew up together, they don’t know our stories...we are invisible to everyone. It’s partly thanks to Jeonghan and Joshua, who are our aces, but we also never make ties with anyone else if it’s possible. We can’t afford to have weaknesses in a world like ours” Vernon explained with a serious expression and I nodded in understanding.
“But then Seungcheol and I--”
“Oh, he hid you really well for five years. We really didn’t know about your existence” Vernon seemed like a genuine guy, honest as he was willing to let me know more about them.
“Well, I didn’t know about you either so I guess he did a good job” I said with a chuckle and Vernon nodded.
“That gang who kidnapped me--”
“Yeah, they were watching us. They probably followed you around after that and gathered all that information about you, which is really dangerous” I frowned but Vernon placed a reassuring hand on my knee, “Don’t worry, Jeonghan took care of it. You are once again invisible to everyone in this world”
“What if it’s too late?” I raised an eyebrow.
“It’s not, we made sure” He smiled at me. Vernon made me feel safe, like an older brother. He gave off the same vibe as Seungcheol. That was the first thing that attracted me towards him, the safety his presence offered me at first and then his personality. Seungcheol and Vernon are good people despite the things they do, which makes it harder for me to understand. Is there even wrong or right?
“Y/N!” Seungcheol called as I looked in his direction, “I hope you had fun but we are leaving”
“So soon?” Vernon asked as he stood up with me.
“Yeah, she’s seen and heard enough, I’m sure” Seungcheol sent a pointed look at Vernon and Wonwoo chuckled as he raised from his seat, placing the book down.
“Hey, I’m not like that,” Vernon said while crossing his arms in front of his chest.
“After spending so much time with Seungkwan…” Wonwoo said as he walked up to us, “There’s no way you aren’t like that”
“Fuck you!” Seungkwan shouted, making most boys laugh. Do they laugh at everything? I looked at Wonwoo with a smile and he sent a wink as he stopped beside me.
“Someone was maybe bothered by your closeness to Vernon” He muttered quietly, so that only I would hear as Vernon and Seungcheol spoke between each other. My eyebrows furrowed as I looked at Wonwoo, but the realization soon hit me. My eyes fell behind him and there was Mingyu, one eyebrow raised. I rolled my eyes and looked back at Wonwoo.
“If he sent you to tell me this, tell him to go and fuck himself” I smiled sweetly at Wonwoo and he chuckled while shaking his head.
“My thoughts, not his” I hummed while narrowing my eyes at Wonwoo who smiled mischievously.
“We are going, Y/N” Seungcheol gripped my arm and I sent him a glare to which he let go of me.
“He was bothered, really? Let’s make him enjoy the show more” I said with an evil grin and Wonwoo looked confused as I leaned closer to him, wrapping my arms around him. Realizing what I did, he returned the hug and chuckled.
“You are playing with fire, be careful not to get burned” He said after we pulled away and I returned the smile.
“Let’s go--”
“Do I not get a hug?” Seungcheol groaned when Vernon stepped between him and I.
“You get one too” I laughed and gave him a quick hug before taking Seungcheol’s hand in mine.
“Let’s go Cheol, before you become too angry” I stuck my tongue out at him as he rolled his eyes and started walking.
“Finally”
“Bye guys!” I called as I turned around to give them a wave. There was a chorus of ‘goodbye’s’ before Seungcheol closed the sliding door and led us out of the apartment.
“Never doing this again” He muttered and I chuckled as I leaned against the elevator wall. It wasn’t even that bad.
One month later things didn’t change. Kim Mingyu still followed me around, even after that night I confronted him while going home from the bookstore. I made sure to lure him into an alleyway and snap at him, but he just laughed in my face and said, “Baby, I hold the gun here so you just keep on walking like you are oblivious to it” and like that, I knew I was just wasting my time if I focused on him. However, there’s something positive in every negative aspect and that in this case is my friendship with Vernon. We bonded faster than I thought we would and we found ourselves making movie marathons every Friday. Seungcheol was against it but in the end didn’t have a choice but to accept it. It’s not like I’m replacing him, he is still my best friend but it would be a shame not to spend time with Vernon when we go so well together.
“So how are things with that guy?” One afternoon Irene asked while we were organizing some books.
“Which guy?” I asked absentmindedly as I was trying to find a book.
“Oh my God” She chuckled as she looked at me teasingly, “How many guys are after your ass now?”
“What?” I chuckled as I rolled my eyes, “Zero guys, you know I’m not interested in anyone”
“Three o’clock and fifteen minutes” Irene said loudly as she craned her neck, stepping away from the bookshelf.
“What are you saying?” I laughed, following her actions.
“There he is, your giant who walks by the bookstore every single day at the same time” Irene said with a grin as we watched Mingyu not so subtly glancing inside as he passed in front of the bookstore. I groaned as I went back to organizing the books.
“It’s been two months, Y/N, I’d be scared if I were you but you most certainly know him as you are so calm about it” Irene said as she walked past me.
“Yeah, I know him but I also can’t stand him so it doesn’t matter” I shrugged, placing a book in its place.
“Well he does care apparently--”
“Irene” I interrupted her with a sigh, “Don’t”
“If I wouldn’t know you better Y/N, I’d say you got yourself involved into some kind of trouble and now he is your bodyguard without you wanting him to be” Irene chuckled as I paused and looked at her. If she only knew that she was almost right.
“Yeah, right” I faked a laugh, which definitely sounded fake even to her ears, but my eyebrows furrowed. I’ve never thought of Mingyu like that before. I did indeed get in trouble because of him and well, Seungcheol, but I didn’t think that he might be feeling guilty about it hence why he started acting like my bodyguard. Peaking a bit outside, my eyes settled on the seemingly empty road. Was Mingyu really the bad guy I was making him out to be?
Irene’s words seemed to have affected me more than necessary and I was prone to speak to Mingyu. I’m not a liar nor an evil person just because I feel like it, yes, I do not like Mingyu but maybe it’s time I give him a chance? I didn’t judge Vernon nor anyone else from SVT. But maybe that was because they didn’t leave a bitter taste in my mouth, after all, my first encounter with Mingyu wasn’t a pleasant one. But then--how was the one with Vernon? He threatened to kill my friend.
I groaned as I leaned back in the seat and stared up at the ceiling.
“Three o’clock and fifteen minutes” I heard Irene faintly from the back of the bookstore. My eyes went outside the windows but there was no one, at least not Mingyu, that passed in front of the bookstore.
“So, did he pass by?” She asked curiously. My eyebrows furrowed as I looked towards where Irene’s voice was coming from.
“No”
“Oh” Irene sounded surprised as she walked back, leaning against the front counter, “But it’s Wednesday and he’s been gone for three days now”
“I know” I rolled my eyes, “You seem more obsessed over this than I am”
“Don’t you think it’s weird?” Irene frowned as she looked at me, “There was rain, strong wind, ice cold weather and he still walked by--but now nothing, and it’s been sunny all week so far”
“Maybe he finally realized how annoying he is and stopped” I grinned at Irene while trying to ignore the worry beginning to take over me, “God finally listened to my prayers”
“You wish,” Irene said with a scoff as she turned around and walked to a sofa and took a book.
He probably has got some business to take care of, he is a gang leader after all. Or maybe he realized he had better things to do, much to my happiness. Before I could think more of it, my phone started ringing. I picked it up with a smile when I saw it was Vernon.
“Hi” I giggled into the phone when he started making weird sounds.
“Is this Oh Y/N?” He asked in a deep raspy voice.
“Well who am I talking to?” I asked amused as I could hear a quiet snort in the background.
“Be quiet Soonyoung!” Vernon hissed quietly before clearing his throat, “I’m Hansol, Vernon’s twin brother”
“Oh, he never told me had a twin brother,” I said amused, leaning back in my chair.
“Whatever, doing this voice is hurting my vocal chords” I snorted at Vernon’s words.
“So what’s up?” I asked with a smile while playing with my pen.
“I was bored and decided to give you a call”
“Well good, because I am bored too”
“What about we grab dinner tonight?” Vernon asked in a light tone and I hummed as my eyes went once again outside the windows.
“Sounds great, can Seungcheol come with us?” I knew Seungcheol would get petty about not being invited so...I had no choice.
“Yeah, he told me to actually ask you out…” Vernon’s voice turned quieter, “He just wants a free meal”
I scoffed and laughed as I rolled my eyes, “That sounds like Seungcheol, but I have a better idea!”
“I’m all ears,” Vernon said with a chuckle.
“Let’s invite him and before we could pay for it, leave him there. He either pays or washes the dishes, his choice” Vernon started laughing as I grinned to myself, still playing with my pen.
“I like how that sounds” I hummed as my eyes wandered towards the windows once again. Stop it Y/N!
“Vernon, I have a question…” I trailed off as my eyes wandered to Irene. She was reading, eyebrows furrowed as she was probably concentrating, she shouldn’t hear what I’m saying.
“I’ve been wondering just, you know...how Mingyu follows me around and stuff…” I trailed off as I thought how to formulate my question to sound casual.
“Yeah, everyone knows that” Vernon chuckled, “He’s pretty freaky, huh?”
“Yeah” I snorted as I bit my lower lip, “You know...I haven’t seen him this week so far, maybe he’s--”
“You haven’t?” Vernon’s voice wasn’t surprised, it was more happy, “I can pick you up then from the bookstore tonight!”
“Amazing, yeah” My eyebrows furrowed at the lack of worry in his voice, “Where’s Mingyu though?”
I decided to just blurt it out, better than kicking around the bush. Vernon was quiet and even Irene looked at me. What? Was it that weird that I asked about him? Okay, fine, I confess! Thanks to Irene’s words I became worried!
“Honestly…” Vernon trailed off before clearing his throat, “We don’t know”
“What? And you aren’t worried?” My eyebrows furrowed as I sat up straight in the chair.
“Not really, he does that from time to time” Vernon replied casually and I frowned.
“Well if you aren’t worried...anyways, see you tonight” I cleared my throat and Vernon chuckled before biding me goodbye.
I placed my phone on the table and sighed loudly.
“Not worried, huh?” Irene said loudly as the door opened and signaled a customer. My head snapped in her direction as I threw her a warning glare. She’s lucky we have a customer and I can’t curse her.
A week passed by and there was no Kim Mingyu. It felt oddly irritating. I got so used to having him in my shadow that now, wherever I went, I kept glancing behind my back, anxious all the time. I didn’t even realize how safe he made me feel by following me around. And then there was the worry I felt for him, what if something happened to him? Vernon said last week he doesn’t know where he is, no one in fact from SVT knows where he is. What if he got injured? What if someone killed him? What if he just went to visit his family? Girlfriend?
I frowned at my last thought as it didn’t sit well with me. Wouldn’t his girlfriend be bothered knowing that his boyfriend was following around another girl? Because it most certainly wouldn’t make me happy to hear.
“Are you even listening to me?” Irene slammed her hands on the front desk and I jumped.
“Sorry, I’m just studying and didn’t hear you…” I muttered as I glanced down at my notebook, which was long forgotten as I was lost in my thoughts.
“Right” Irene narrowed her eyes at me and I only smiled sweetly, “Anyways, I was saying I’d be thankful if you came and helped me unload the box of new books, it’s really heavy”
I huffed as I closed my notebook and rose from the chair, “Coming, stop whining now”
Irene chuckled and started walking to the back as I left the front counter, however, the door opened signaling a new customer. Irene glanced back at me and nodded as I turned around to go back and greet the person.
“Hello, welcome to--” The words caught in my throat when I locked eyes with the giant. His hair was black and in a normal haircut, short bangs framing his forehead. His flaming and wild red hair was gone. It looked weird, he looked weird. I was used to seeing him with that wild look, he looked dangerous and mysterious...now, he kinda looked normal. As normal as a giant can look.
“Mingyu?!” I asked stunned as I took in his body, his shoulders were, unlikely to him, slouched.
“Hello, sugar” Mingyu’s lips pulled up in a smirk, “Missed me?”
I opened my mouth to snap back at him but something felt off. It looked as if he was in pain, the smirk wasn’t sincere like every other time, it looked painful.
“Where were you?” I narrowed my eyes as I walked closer to him. He chuckled amused and leaned down a bit as I caught his wince this time.
“Worried about me already, sugar? Wait until our wedding day at least--”
“I swear to God, Mingyu, if you don’t stop with that bullshit I’ll cut off your balls before you can say wedding day again!” I snapped, ears red as I stared at an amused Mingyu. Every single day, and I mean that, he told me something connected to our wedding day. When I bought milk, when I walked down the street, when I went and shopped for flowers...he always found something he could connect to our ‘wedding day’.
“But come on, sugar” He chuckled taking a step closer, “Soon you’ll be all mine, my beautiful wife--”
With a hiss I punched his stomach, making him double over. Something was definitely wrong as I watched Mingyu inhale sharply and his face twisted into an angry expression. There’s no way in hell my punch was strong enough to make him double over. Mingyu is not fine.
“Look at me” I demanded lowly as I stepped closer to him. Mingyu’s eyes found mine and before he could say a thing I grabbed his jaw and yanked him closer to me. His eyes widened in shock as he was not expecting something like that from me. My eyes ran over his seemingly perfect face until I found the smallest cut in the corner of his lips. I made eye contact with him and the playful and teasing Mingyu was gone as he gazed at me seriously. I felt captivated by his dark eyes and suddenly I realized just how close our faces were to each other, I could feel his breath fanning my nose. I gulped and continued to gaze into his eyes as if trying to find something in there, something he was hiding.
“Did the customer--Oh my God!” That was the loudest I’ve ever heard Irene speaking, and that was saying a lot. I quickly let go of Mingyu and stepped back as he straightened himself, wincing quite visibly.
“Hello” Irene said with a sweet smile, tucking a strand hair behind her ear, “I’m Irene, Y/N’s co-worker”
“Mingyu” He nodded towards Irene with an amused smile as he kept glancing between the two of us. Irene threw me a smirk and I widened my eyes in warning before turning back to Mingyu.
“Come with me” I muttered as I turned to walk by Irene, leading the way to the back where the bathroom was.
“There’s condoms in the cabinet underneath the sink” Irene whispered as I passed by her and I abruptly stopped walking, making Mingyu run into me from behind.
“What?!” I exclaimed loudly, wide eyes staring at an amused Irene.
“Go on now” She chuckled, pushing us away, “Don’t take too long though”
I made sure to throw a killer glare at her as I continued on leading the way to the bathroom. Mingyu chuckled but remained silent for the rest of our walk as he gazed around. I opened the door and let him enter first before turning on the lights.
“Irene is really funny” Mingyu chuckled as I closed the door behind me, “I already like her”
“I’m going to murder her” I snapped as I looked up at an amused looking Mingyu.
“Careful, sugar, you out of all know the weight of those words” He pointed a finger at me and I swatted it away.
“Sit down and strip” I demanded, crossing my arms in front of my chest.
“Oh” Mingyu’s eyes went wide before a smirk crossed his lips once again, “I like it when girls are so straightforward--”
“Mingyu--” I took a deep breath as I stepped closer, “Just stop it and take off your coat and shirt”
His eyes narrowed at me but when I wouldn’t stop glaring at him he sighed and carefully took off his coat. I watched as he winced and took a sharp breath once his coat was off. He looked at me as if he was done but I only raised my eyebrows and he undid the buttons of his shirt slowly. When it was off, my eyes widened at Mingyu’s torso. His ribs were purple and blue and there was a big gash starting from his left collarbone and stopping right where his heart was.
“Oh my God!” I gasped, eyes wide as I closed the distance between us, “What-what happened, I--”
“Nothing serious!” Mingyu shrugged as he sat on the toilet lid.
“Kim Mingyu!” I snapped, before leaning closer to inspect the big cut. It didn’t look deep, thank God, but it did look painful as hell.
“Okay” He rolled his eyes as I went to take a clean rag from the cabinet and some disinfectant, “I had to attend some meetings last week, out of town of course, and I got in a fight today before returning”
“This is what you call a fight?” I exclaimed annoyed as I started cleaning the big cut. Mingyu hissed and gripped my wrist tightly, halting my movements.
“That fucking stings” He snapped, eyebrows furrowed as he pushed away my hand from his chest.
“Well you can fucking die if it gets infected, so let me do my job” I snapped back with a glare and after a second of silence he let go of my wrist, quite reluctantly might I add.
“Last time Jeonghan and Joshua checked--” I scoffed and rolled my eyes as Mingyu just waited for me to finish my dramatic reaction before continuing, “you weren’t a nurse”
“Still am not, but I know what to do. My father would get in fights with random people on the street and I always treated his wounds” I muttered quietly, trying to be careful while cleaning the cut.
“No wonder you’re such a violent lady” Mingyu muttered more to himself and an amused smile appeared on my lips.
“Violent lady?” He made eye contact with me and nodded.
“Indeed, violent lady you are, sugar” I rolled my eyes but couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. Before the silence could engulf us and make me feel awkward, since I am pretty much standing in front of a half naked Mingyu...with a huge cut and bruised ribs and well, I’m also touching that chest...anyways. I cleared my throat and focused on cleaning the lower part of the wound.
“Vernon told me that they didn’t know where you were and then I--”
“Vernon?!” Mingyu exclaimed, gripping my wrist once again tightly. I looked at him with my eyebrows raised.
“Yes, Vernon”
“Vernon Hansol Chwe?”
“Yes, Vernon Hansol Chwe” I watched as Mingyu scoffed and let go of my wrist with a shove, “You’ve got a problem with that?”
“I--” Mingyu’s voice was rather high pitched as he looked me in the eyes, but stopped himself before saying anything else. I raised my eyebrows expectantly but he just took my wrist and placed my hand holding the rag against his chest, “You just clean this mess up and shut up, I have a headache”
“Of course, you are very welcome Mingyu” I said sarcastically as I finished up his cut. He couldn’t even be grateful after I cleaned the big ass cut from his chest, without having even any obligations to do it. The things I started doing for Kim Mingyu…
Things returned to normal, much to my dismay. Mingyu was healthy again after a week and he took that as an invitation to enter the bookstore every time he passed by now. Irene and him quickly connected and I didn’t know how to feel about that. They both would be throwing me teasing looks when the other wasn’t looking and I would just glare back. Sometime last week Mingyu even started bringing us food, even though I told him many times that I didn’t want to eat on his money. Of course he reassured me that he has lots of it and that it shouldn’t worry me, as if that was even the cause in the first place. But I couldn’t fight back, I realized, Kim Mingyu always got what he wanted. Even if I opposed him all the time and gave him a hard time, he still somehow got what he wanted. And that is very infuriating.
That is why instead of studying for my next exam, I was staring at the wall with my eyebrows furrowed. I couldn’t stop thinking about how two days ago he tricked me into having dinner with him. I closed up the bookstore later than usual as we had inventory to do and he offered to drive me home. Any other time I would have declined his offer, but it was pouring hard outside, I had no umbrella and I was tired...and I didn’t want to call Seungcheol as he was busy with some mysterious plans SVT had. So I accepted his offer, a mistake, I realized once I saw him driving in the opposite direction of my neighborhood and towards the most expensive part of town. I was pissed and I still am actually. I groaned as I ruffled my bangs and threw my notebook off my lap, just for my front door to be kicked open. My heart jumped in my chest and picked up its peaceful rhythm as I thought someone broke in to kidnap me again. I was looking around my living room for anything that I could use as a weapon when I heard the familiar voice of Seungcheol.
“I said no!” He shouted in the hallway and my eyebrows furrowed. Before I could go see what was happening, Seungcheol was already storming inside my living room. His eyes found mine and I realized he was really angry. I walked closer to him to ask what was wrong when a throat was cleared in the doorway. My eyebrows furrowed more as I looked confused at the five men standing in my doorway. What the fuck is happening? Jun smirked and threw a wink as he walked further inside as if this was his place, Minghao had an amused smile on his face when he saw me scowling at Jun. Vernon and Wonwoo were grinning excitedly and I couldn’t help the giggle that left my lips and Mingyu was looking around curiously. Mingyu. Again. Of course. I glared at him as I walked towards him and pushed at his, now healed, chest.
“Get out!” I snapped, but my push did little to nothing as Mingyu’s built was almost twice bigger than mine. He looked offended that my first reaction to seeing him was to throw him out of my apartment. He is not welcomed here.
“Seriously?” He asked amused, but the glare didn’t go unnoticed by anyone.
“I don’t remember inviting you inside” I answered him as I crossed my arms in front of my chest. Mingyu scoffed as he looked at the other five men scattered in my living room.
“If they can stay, so can I.” And before I could curse him out, he pushed past me and sat down just where I was sitting seconds before. I scoffed and leaned against my door frame.
“Do you want some drinks?”
“No.” Seungcheol snapped irritatedly as he ruffled his hair. He was standing next to the big window and drew the curtains together, blocking the view of the city. Something must have happened if he’s so on edge. I opened my mouth to ask once again what was wrong, but Vernon cut me off.
“Don’t I get my hug?” He tried to defuse the tense air in the room, but made it worse when Seungcheol and Mingyu both started glaring at him. I didn’t want to make Seungcheol angrier than he already was, but tormenting Mingyu was always something I enjoyed doing. And Vernon is my friend, I always hug him when we meet. So with a small smile and a shake of my head I walked towards him, he stood up from the ground, and we hugged. He squeezed me into his arms and lifted me up a bit, making me giggle into his neck. Vernon made me feel comfortable and protected. Having him and Seungcheol as my friends felt like having two older brothers and it was a feeling I really enjoyed. Seungcheol was like the stern and over protective older brother and Vernon the funny one and always ready to cause trouble with you kind of older brother. Mingyu scoffed as he looked away and I smirked to myself as I let go of Vernon. Mingyu always acts like a big, bad, tough guy but in moments like this his true self shows. He’s just a jealous, greedy, piece of shit.
“So…”I spoke up as I walked next to Seungcheol and put an arm around his shoulders, “care to tell me why you six waltzed into my apartment uninvited with a very pissed Seungcheol?”
Seungcheol sighed deeply next to me and took my hand resting on his shoulders in his, giving it a squeeze. He was trying to calm down so I looked at him and offered him a friendly smile.
“Because Mingyu is fucking crazy!” He still couldn’t contain his temper as he looked at Mingyu with the deadliest glare I’ve ever seen coming from him.
“No, Mingyu is just fucking annoying. He can’t take a no, nor a ‘I told you to leave me alone, asshole’, nor a ‘I will fucking put you into jail if you don’t stop--’”
“Shut up, sugar, unless you want to really piss me off” Mingyu spoke lowly, eyes boring into mine as a smirk spread on my lips.
“Oh, I’m just getting started. Or what? Will you put a bullet in my head like you threatened so many times already?” Mingyu’s jaw clenched as he was ready to spring to his feet when Seungcheol chuckled humorlessly.
“Well if he won’t put a bullet in your head, someone else will fucking sure do it.” My eyes went wide as I looked at Seungcheol then at Vernon and Wonwoo. What is he talking about? My heart started beating quickly again as I let go of Seungcheol and straightened my posture. Seungcheol’s eyebrows furrowed as he realized what he said and sighed, shaking his head, “I didn’t mean to make it sound like that--”
“But what you said is right.” Vernon cut off Seungcheol and I looked between the two even more confused. A headache was brewing as I felt a light pressure in my forehead.
“Okay, honestly, what the fuck?” I finally snapped, glaring at everyone in room, especially at Seungcheol, “You have five seconds to explain before I call the cops”
“Yeah, right” Seungcheol muttered underneath his breath and I kicked his shin, earning a hiss from him.
Minghao, however, placed a brown envelope on top of my coffee table and looked at me with a neutral expression. I bit my lower lip, looking at the envelope nervously. What can be in there? Am I a wanted criminal for hanging around with SVT? Or did someone put a prize on my head because of Mingyu? Because he’s always with me and the other gangs probably already think there’s something going on between us? Coming to think of it, Kim Mingyu is a fucking idiot. He couldn’t even keep it on the low that he’s after me 24/7.
“There’s an auction tomorrow at the Town Hall. We are going to steal a 1.00 carat Diamond ring--
“We are buying it first, Minghao, didn’t I tell you that already?” Mingyu asked with a yawn and Minghao rolled his eyes before he looked back at me.
“It’s not buying if we steal it before we can pay for it, anyways, Y/N, we need you to come with us” I blinked once and then twice as it was quiet in the room. Everyone was looking at me. Oh, now I understand why Seungcheol is so pissed, he doesn’t want to involve me in their business.
“We don’t need you to come, that’s just the bullshit coming out of Mingyu’s brain. We can perfectly do it without you too, we’ve already done it thousands of times.” Seungcheol’s jaw clenched as glared at their leader.
“Watch your fucking mouth, Seungcheol, my tolerance with you is running thin!” Mingyu snapped as he stood up, eyes narrowed at my friend. I sighed and took a step forward in order to stand between these two. I don’t want a gun pointed at Seungcheol again.
“Stop it!” I glared at both before looking down at the envelope, Seungcheol said they’ve done this before so nothing should go wrong. And it’s a Saturday tomorrow, a day I’d rather spend around high class people than study for my crucial exam. A small smirk spread on my lips as I looked up at Mingyu. His eyes were focused on me and when he saw my expression he knew I was in. He took a step back and sat on my couch again as he looked at Seungcheol smugly, who couldn’t see me as I was standing with my back towards him.
“Fine, I’m in” I said loud and clear and Seungcheol grabbed my arm.
“Are you crazy?! This is exposing you into our world so much more! It’s too dangerous, Y/N, please--”
“You think I’m not exposed way too much already?!” I raised my eyebrows with a scoff, “Mingyu’s been following me around daily for months, Seungcheol, you think no one saw him? Saw me? Saw the two of us together and got the wrong idea? Hell, I was exposed by you a long time ago, you just never wanted to admit it because you need me. And because I need you, Seungcheol.” My voice grew soft as Seungcheol looked down at the ground, his grip growing softer on my arm. I placed my other hand on his holding mine and gave it a reassuring squeeze.
“Trust me, okay?” I whispered as Seungcheol looked me in the eyes defeated and nodded wordlessly.
“Be home tomorrow all day, you’ll have a package sent your way. I’ll pick you up at five in the afternoon.” Mingyu spoke up as he rose from my sofa and patted Minghao on the back.
“I’m only going with you if Seungcheol, Vernon and Wonwoo will be there with me at the auction.” I stepped in front of Mingyu so he couldn’t leave. There were a few inches between our bodies and I tried to ignore his scent and body warmth. He felt really inviting and I hated how easily my body gave in. I got too used to him and that’s bad.
“You don’t get to negotiate with me, Y/N.” Him using my name never meant anything good. He was dead serious. He wasn’t glaring nor speaking in a threatening way, but his words were enough to warn me.
“And you need me, Mingyu, otherwise you wouldn’t be here right now. So if you want me to really go, those are my conditions. And...Wonwoo picks me up, not you.” A throat was cleared behind Mingyu as a way to hide the laughter that bubbled up from Wonwoo. He was enjoying this a lot. He always enjoyed me standing up to Mingyu and never was afraid to show it, he really has known Mingyu for the longest.
“If you think…” He leaned down, our noses brushing against each other, “That you’ll be able to avoid me all night, you are very wrong. You are my girl.”
“Fuck you, I am no one’s, especially not yours.” I said pissed but Mingyu just sniffed before straightening up and walking past me. I glared at the wall as the boys one by one left my apartment.
“See you tomorrow!” Wonwoo smiled cutely and I sighed as I nodded. Vernon waved and before Seungcheol could leave, I grabbed his arm.
“Sleep here tonight?” Seungcheol looked past my shoulder and nodded at the person behind me, no doubt Mingyu, before he gave me a small smile.
“I’ve got to take care of a few things, I’ll be back in an hour”
“Cool, I’ll cook us something then” He kissed my forehead before leaving too. I sighed and walked to the coffee table to pick up the envelope. The big diamond ring stared back at me mockingly and I studied it as I made my way to the kitchen. This will be interesting.
I stared at the reflection staring back at me in the mirror with a grimace. Of course Mingyu would pick a dress like this one. Red silk, tightly clinging to my body, deep V cut with thin straps and floor length but with a cut so high on my left thigh that I’m afraid my underwear will show if I take big steps. The heels sent with the dress were a dark emerald green, matching my earrings and purse. When I first saw the dress my jaw dropped, I was mesmerized by the fabric and beauty of it but when I finally dressed in it, I realized how provoking it is. I honestly don’t know if Mingyu is doing this for his own twisted mind or because he wants me to distract the important people he’s stealing from tonight. He sent nothing to wear over the dress so I decided to pull on my white fur jacket that I got from Seungcheol two years ago. He showed up to my birthday with the fancy package and at first I thought he was pranking me, but when I opened the box I was left speechless. He refused to tell me where he got the money from to buy such an expensive gift for me but now I know, it all makes sense now. My phone pinged and I glanced down to see a text from Wonwoo informing me that he was downstairs waiting for me. I took a deep breath and tightened the low ponytail before slipping my red lipstick inside my purse and quickly left, after locking the front door.
Wonwoo had a big smile on his lips when he saw me opening the apartment complex’s door, pretending to take off his hat as I walked closer to him. I chuckled and shook my head as I stopped in front of him.
“Didn’t he just overdo himself?” I asked, rolling my eyes as I twirled around slowly. Wonwoo started laughing, his deep voice raising a few octaves.
“Mingyu always had good taste and right now he hit the jackspot,” There was a sly smirk on Wonwoo’s lips as he pushed off the car, “All eyes will be on you tonight.”
“I guess that is his goal?” I asked with a sigh as I sat inside the car after Wonwoo opened the backseat door for me, “I have to distract the important people so that you guys can steal peacefully?”
Wonwoo chuckled and shook his head before closing the door and jogging to the driver’s seat. I buckled up the seatbelt and got comfortable on the leather seat, still not used to the softness of the fabric of my dress.
Wonwoo sat inside and started the car smoothly, slowly taking off, “You being there with us tonight is just Mingyu wanting to show off. He’s not using you as a distraction, although that’s what will happen probably. I know you hate the situation you are in, but Mingyu is never letting go of you. You can hate him until the end of your life but you got him wrapped around your fingers, something he will never admit.”
“I don’t understand what’s so special about me. There’s so many women out there who would willingly be with him, who are, hell, desperate to be with a man like him!” I exclaimed as I looked out the window.
“Trust me, I don’t understand either” Wonwoo started laughing and I rolled my eyes in a playful manner, “It’s mainly how loyal you are to Seungcheol. You really left a deep impression on him when you stood in front of that gun pointed at your friend. Many would have ran away just by seeing the situation that was unfolding when you stepped in. I knew you’d bring trouble upon us when you left Seungcheol’s vehicle--”
“You were in the van!” I exclaimed, leaning forward in my seat gaping. Wonwoo glanced back at me through the rearview mirror with a cheeky grin, “I knew it! I knew someone was inside the van still, I felt it!”
“Yeah, I’m about to make a bold statement, but I’m one hundred percent sure we even made eye contact!” I gasped and soon we were both laughing. Sometimes I still can’t wrap my mind around the fact that these men are part of a dangerous organization, hell, they are even more dangerous. That Seungcheol, the nicest and most caring man I know, is a drug dealer lord and that Vernon, the funny and reliable friend, is a hitman. Even Wonwoo, who always makes me laugh and loves to read in his free time, he’s the designated get away driver who’s caused numerous accidents that killed innocent by-standers. It’s a crazy world I got dragged in accidentally and no matter how much I hate it, Mingyu’s right, there’s no way out for me. So I better woman up and accept my fate of always having someone in my shadow to protect me from unknown dangers.
“Just smile and be nice to everyone Mingyu will introduce you to,” Wonwoo spoke up, bringing me out of my thoughts, “And try to keep your witty remarks to yourself until at least you are alone”
“Great, we are here” I muttered to myself as suddenly my stomach felt like an empty hole. I gulped and undid my seatbelt, about to open my door when someone opened it for me. It was Seungcheol and I took a deep breath before stepping out.
“Have fun, by the way, you look absolutely stunning!” Wonwoo called after me and I offered him a small smile as Seungcheol closed the door for me.
“My God” I breathed out as I looked around at the people swarming the place, all looking fancy and expensive. I’ve never seen so much luxury at one place ever in my life. Rich people really have it all.
“I thought I could do this, but I’m on the verge of throwing up, Cheol!” I whisper-shouted as I gripped onto my friend’s forearm. He sighed and I looked at him, taking in his outfit for the first time. He was wearing a dark red tuxedo, looking really handsome. His black hair was gelled back and the lip piercing was missing, he looked weird without the accessory.
“You have to put that lip piercing back the second we leave this place” I said with furrowed eyebrows as Seungcheol chuckled and pushed me back gently, getting a good look at my outfit.
“I’m going to fucking murder Mingyu, what are you wearing!” Seungcheol’s exclamation earned a few cross eyed looks and I pinched his hand to warn him to keep it down.
“A very expensive designer dress that I picked out myself with great care.” Mingyu seemed to teleport as he spoke up from next to me, eyes locking with Seungcheol, “Why? Do you have a problem?”
“It’s too revealing!” Seungcheol hissed and I sighed as I grabbed his arm.
“It’s fine, it’s just for tonight, Cheol. Let’s not cause a scene, okay?” I spoke softly, trying to calm him as I noticed people looking more frequently over. It could just be because Mingyu is standing next to me, I don’t know, but I don’t want to test our luck tonight. A hand touched my arm and I cringed a little when Mingyu intertwined our arms, but I stayed quiet deciding to follow Wonwoo’s advice.
“Do your job, S.Coups, it’s why you are here tonight.” Mingyu’s voice was stern as he shot Seungcheol another look before taking off towards the entrance. I remained quiet as I followed his lead, taking in the beauty of the place. The chandeliers hanging low were covered in sparkling crystals and the floor and wall were all marble. The place looked breathtaking. My attention soon turned to the bodyguard standing at the next door, a notebook in his hands.
“Kim Mingyu, Oh Y/N” Mingyu spoke before the guard could even speak up, checking our names on the list. He gave us a nod and Mingyu started leading the way once again. As we walked inside the spacious room, music flooded my ears, nice slow music, and chatter. People were everywhere you looked, holding drinks or nothing in their hands, and laughing and talking with each other. Towards the front of the room was a small stage where the live band was playing and in front of the stage numerous empty chairs, for the auction later. We walked towards the right back of the room, where round tables had name tags on, and as Mingyu found ours we stopped. I shrugged my fur jacket off and hung it on the chair, placing my purse on the table next to the champagne glass. I felt eyes on me so I turned to look at Mingyu. For the first time tonight, I looked at him and took in his outfit. He was wearing all black, dress trousers, a vest without any dress shirt underneath and a sparkly tuxedo jacket with chains on. His black hair was styled in a way that left the impression that he had bangs but with the undercut it looked really nice. My eyes ran over his body once again and I tried to ignore the dryness of my throat when my eyes spotted his naked chest again. A chest on which a fading scar could be seen. He looked jaw dropping and I could see why so many ladies were looking our way. His look screamed danger, excitement and pleasure.
“I see I’m not the only one taken by my partner tonight” Mingyu smiled, genuinely, his sharp canines showing. I was speechless for a second and it made his smile widen.
“Don’t expect me to obey you after tonight” I tried to scowl while trying to say something logical, off thrown by his smile.
“I am not” He chuckled and stepped closer, eyes sweeping over my form for the nth time, “I really wasn’t going to choose this dress, but now I’m really glad I did”
“Something revealing not being your first choice? What a shock!” I placed a hand over my mouth mockingly and Mingyu rolled his eyes as he stepped again closer, little to no space between us now.
“We’ve spent so many months together and yet you still don’t know me, I am quite offended,” Mingyu said with a pout and my eyebrows furrowed.
“It’s not like we spent that time getting to know each other” I shrugged as my eyes wandered around the room, “You follow me around all the time while I yell at you to leave me alone...which makes me wonder, do you not have a life that you have to participate in?”
“Very funny” He glared a little as I offered him a sweet smile, “I take care of my business before I decide to stalk you”
“I’m glad you are aware that it’s called stalking what you do”
“Is it still stalking when the other one likes it?” He leaned in and I looked away in an attempt to ignore the closeness. My heart was beating so fast in my chest I was afraid the music wasn’t loud enough to cover it and Mingyu would hear it. I tried to distract myself even more as I furrowed my eyebrows and tried to spot a familiar face in the mass of people present in the room with us.
“Stalking is still stalking, Kim Mingyu, no matter the feelings tied to it” Finally, I answered back as a low humming sound came from the male standing too close in front of me. I made the mistake of glancing at him, our gazes catching each other and eyes locking.
“When will you admit that you like having me around?” His voice was barely a whisper and I probably wouldn’t have heard him if my senses wouldn’t have been in overdrive. Everything around me felt on fire as I gulped, trying to collect my thoughts. He never stood this close to me before, we were almost pressed up against each other. His body warm drew me in more and more and I found myself staring at his pink lips, tongue poking out to wet them. The action snapped me out of my staring and I quickly looked back up, our eyes once again connecting. Mingyu’s pupils were dilated as his eyes narrowed at me, and I cleared my throat awkwardly. All these feelings were suddenly overwhelming and confusing, since when did I start feeling this way around Mingyu?
“Never” I whispered, barely audible, as Mingyu leaned down. I panicked, eyes searching his face as I didn’t know what to expect from him.
“There you are!” A cheery voice greeted from behind Mingyu and I basically ripped myself away from the tall giant as I raced towards my friend, Vernon, who wasn’t standing far from us. My heart was hammering in my chest as I threw my arms around Vernon, hugging him tightly. He chuckled and hugged me back just as tightly, eyebrows playfully furrowed when I pulled back.
“Jesus, I never thought someone could miss me this much” Vernon laughed and I giggled along, trying to ignore the burning look coming from Mingyu. He was pissed that Vernon interrupted us, was he planning on kissing me? Was Mingyu about to kiss me? No, question, was I about to actually let him kiss me? The answer to that question was scary because I instantly knew the answer, so I smiled tightly at Mingyu before grabbing Vernon’s arm and pulled him towards the bar, far away from Mingyu.
“Why are we in a rush?” Vernon chuckled confused as I took deep breaths, trying to calm myself.
“Just running away from Mingyu, the usual, you know” I muttered as the bartender looked our way and I waved my fingers at him.
“I’d like a Cuba Libre, please” I asked politely as the bartender turned around and started preparing my cocktail, “Vernon, you have to promise me something”
“Uh, alright?” He asked with raised eyebrows as the bartender turned back to us with my drink. I went to grab for money but realized I left my purse on the table, where Mingyu is. I turned to Vernon with puppy eyes as he just grinned and handed the bartender a lot more money than that Cuba Libre cost.
“Thanks, I left my purse at the table”
“You can give it back after we go back and--”
“No!” I snapped, eyes wide, as I grabbed the glass firmly in my hands, “The promise I want to ask you is keep me away from Mingyu, all night.”
“All night?” Vernon’s eyes widened as he gulped and looked past my shoulder, back towards where the round tables were situated.
“All night.” I nodded my head firmly and took my first sip of my cocktail.
“Uh, shit, let’s get moving then!” My eyebrows furrowed when he pulled me after him, I almost spilled a little of the drink on myself, “Mingyu’s headed our way”
“Run!” I screeched quietly as Vernon laughed and started pulling me through the masses of people, doing everything to lose Mingyu.
And that’s exactly what Vernon and I did for the past two hours, we ran from Mingyu. We hid in the back garden, we danced on the dance floor to the slow music when we couldn’t see him, we socialized with people Vernon knew and even met some new ones, then went to the bar to get some more drinks when we made eye contact with a very pissed looking Mingyu. I was actually having a lot of fun, the night going a lot better than I was anticipating it to go. Vernon was amazing company and I couldn’t be more thankful for him accepting my little plan, knowing he’d have to suffer the repercussions later on for disobeying direct orders from Mingyu and hiding me from him.
“See those guys over there?” Vernon nodded subtly towards a couple not far away from us, standing at the end of the bar.
“Yeah, why?” I asked as my eyes swept over the place, trying to act casual, but also to see if I could catch a glimpse of Mingyu. I haven’t seen him in half an hour which was starting to make me uneasy.
“Undercover cops.” Vernon said lowly, lips barely moving as he steered the olive oil in his drink.
“No shit, are you forreal?” I slammed my third Cuba Libre on the bar a little too hard, eyes widening as I glanced towards the couple, who were looking at us now. Vernon frowned lightly and then suddenly laughed as he looked at the couple.
“She had a little bit too much already!” He called with a friendly smile, nodding towards my drink. I looked at him offended but quickly covered my reaction with a somewhat drunken giggle. The couple laughed along with me, nodding their heads before they walked away.
“You can’t react like that--”
“I’m sorry!” I quickly cut him off, realizing I was putting the reason why we were here at stake if I was reacting like that, “How many of them are here?”
“Are you kidding me?” Vernon laughed, downing his drink in a one shot, “This place is full of cops, Y/N”
“Holy shit” I muttered amazed as I looked out at the crowd on the dance floor then back at Vernon. However, I tensed up when my eyes fell on the man we’ve been avoiding for the past two hours, “Shit, the devil’s here, Vernon--”
Vernon gripped my arm as we took off, leaving my drink on the counter as I looked back at it with a pout. We were weaving between people as Vernon headed for the dance floor, until our path was cut. I looked up and swallowed hard at the dark eyes and dark glare directed at us. Vernon just smiled as he nodded at his boss, about to go around him, but another pair of hands caught my other, free, arm.
“She’s staying.” Mingyu’s voice was hard as he didn’t even bother to turn our way. I shook my head as I looked at Vernon, asking for help, but my friend just sighed before letting go of my arm held by him.
“Traitor!” I snapped at him as my eyes widened, feet moving as Mingyu started walking.
“Sorry!” Vernon mouthed before he walked towards the round tables in the back of the room, leaving me alone with Kim Mingyu. I sighed as I followed after him wordlessly, not realizing he was leading us to the middle of the dance floor.
“If you’re about to bring me to a secluded place and blow my brains out, you should know that I’m not afraid and I will cause a scene, scream and--” I gasped as my chest collided with Mingyu’s chest. One hand around my lower back, pulling me flushed against him, and the other holding my right hand in his. I looked ahead, over Mingyu’s shoulder, as I hesitantly placed my other hand around his shoulder. He was holding me too close and suddenly my heart was hammering in my chest again. I wish I could have avoided him for longer, at least until the auction, when it wasn’t possible to dance anymore.
“I don’t appreciate you running around with Vernon” His voice was clear in my ear as he swayed us to the slow music.
“I don’t appreciate you forcing me into doing things I don’t want to do” I snapped back, referring to us dancing right now. It was a lie, a lie I wasn’t ready to admit yet. His body felt right against mine, our hands made for the other, our bodies knowing the next step of the other.
“I didn’t force you to come here, Y/N” Mingyu sighed and I gulped, making eye contact with a blonde haired woman who was glaring at me. I glared back at her before speaking again.
“Yeah, but you didn’t ask me if I wanted to dance with you”
“You are my date, Y/N, we are supposed to dance together” His grip on my hand tightened a bit and I hissed, knowing he could hear me. I made eye contact with another person, an older man this time, who was smiling, and smiled back at him.
“Yeah, you know, it’s a little late to say ‘pass’, but...pass.” I muttered as I turned my head a bit towards Mingyu’s, staring at his jawline. Images of him smoking when he took me to his house and cooked Fajitas entered my mind and I clenched my jaw. This really isn’t the time to think of something like that, it happened months ago yet the memory is crystal clear in my mind.
“You really do not understand, do you?” Mingyu snapped, finally letting his anger show. I chuckled as a lady greeted me and I nodded back at her, ignoring the way Mingyu’s fingers dug into my lower back.
“Understand what?” I pulled a bit away to be able to look in his eyes, eyes that held a lot of anger. I gulped and quickly looked away, my hand sneaking up from his shoulder to his neck. He tensed a bit and twirled us around a bit more aggressively as I held onto him.
“These people know who I am, Y/N, so that means they know who you are. What do you think it looks like to them when you are running around all night with a man who works for me, you proceed to hide from me with his help and even dance with him more than once?” His voice grew lower and lower and more pissed by the time he finished his sentence.
“I don’t know?” I answered quietly, not exactly understanding what his words meant.
“You are my girl, Y/N, and everyone knows that here. And running around with a little skanky boy all night long shows how little respect you have for me and how much I let you get away with. This is not the fucking time to parade around and create a shit show, sugar, people here are all from gangs from around the world and the country. One wrong fucking move and they will blow your brains out, not me, sugar.” I grew stiff in Mingyu’s arms upon he finished talking, growing silent as I looked around with wide eyes, seeing this place in a different light for the first time. I didn’t know that, that’s why Seungcheol was so against it and annoyed. I’m exposed to all these people. They now know who I am and know that I am Mingyu’s, or whatever.
“You’re such an asshole” I scoffed as I pulled my head back, making eye contact with the man holding me, “Do you realize you just exposed me to the whole fucking mob world?!”
“You did that to yourself when you interfered with our business, sugar” He said with a smirk, eyes holding less anger but just enough. He pissed me off and I tried to take deep breaths to remain calm, but it was hardly doing anything.
“Maybe if your man didn’t hold a gun against my best friend’s head I wouldn’t have--”
“Not my problem, I’m not in the mood to listen to your pathetic whining, again.” Mingyu snapped, quickly shutting me up but not exactly expecting me to cause a scene knowing where we were and who were around me. But I tried to either way, when was I the one with enough brains to not do anything reckless? I ripped my hand away from his abruptly and raised it, ready to slap Mingyu across the face, but he reacted almost a little too late. Before my palm could connect with his cheek he gripped my wrist and twirled me around in a pirouette, making my blood boil. I was back in his arms again, now in a tight grip as he pressed me against his body fully, restricting me as well in the process as he caged my arms between our bodies, one hand pushing my head next to his neck and the other keeping me tightly against him by my lower back. The thought of fighting back against him flashed quickly in my head but before I could wriggle myself out I made eye contact with a panicked looking Seungcheol. He looked ready to jump in the middle of the dance floor and pull me out of there. At first I thought something bad happened and we had to run, but I soon realized it were my actions that attracted more unwanted eyes on us and Seungcheol was begging me with his eyes to stop and save it for later, just let it go for now. My hands gripped the chains on Mingyu’s vest tightly as I clenched my jaw and stared at the ground, ignoring the quick falling and raising of Mingyu’s chest. I think I really messed up this time, even Mingyu had a limit and I just crossed it. I let out a shaky breath and Mingyu’s grip loosened just a little bit, but he didn’t let go. More and more people took intrigued glances our way and I knew I fucked up, they saw me trying to slap the shit out of him, they could see just how pissed both of us were. I guess it looked really bad if a gang leader’s partner disrespects him continuously, maybe it shows he’s got no power. I don’t know what these people think, but I have to fix my mistake. I closed my eyes for a second and took a deep breath as I tried to pull my head back, but Mingyu didn’t let me.
“Let go, please” I mumbled as I caught the gaze of the glaring blonde again. Mingyu didn’t hesitate before the hand was gone and I was able to pull my head back. The lights dimmed in the back where the tables were and I figured the auction was about to happen, so I acted quickly. I broke eye contact with Mingyu and leaned in quickly, barely pressing my lips against his, hoping to everyone else it looked like a real kiss. But the hand was back on the back of my head and Mingyu’s soft pink lips pressed against mine firmly, making my heart hammer quicker than ever before. The music slowly died down and people started clapping, I pulled away and stared at Mingyu’s stained lips by my red lipstick. I took a deep breath and untangled myself from him and started walking away, knowing he’d follow me. I couldn’t look at him, embarrassed that I had to do that in front of everyone, in front of Seungcheol and probably even Vernon. A hand on the small of my back guided me through the people and back to our seats. When we sat down Mingyu grabbed a napkin and patted his lips, his eyes boring into my profile for the whole time. I shivered and cleared my throat as I took my glass of water from the table and gulped down a big amount. A man walked up onto the scene and I could see the crowd dispersing as people walked towards the chairs and others towards the round tables. A man in a purple expensive fur coat strutted past our table and down the aisle, turning briefly and nodding. Mingyu’s nod back caught my attention and I realized it was Minghao and he was walking towards the front chairs, placed there for the auction. I didn’t realize Mingyu wouldn’t directly participate in it. And so, the auction started and I stayed quiet and slumped in my seat as all the lights were directed at the stage now.
Halfway through the auction I felt two hands gripping my shoulders in a reassuring way and I jumped in my seat, taken by surprise. First thought was Mingyu, but he was sitting right beside me, so when I turned around I was met with Vernon smiling reassuringly at me.
“Can we get some air?” I whispered as another painting was sold at an outrageous price. Vernon glanced to my right and I followed his line of vision to be met with Mingyu’s glaring eyes, he raised an eyebrow.
“Can I go out?” I muttered while avoiding eye contact with Mingyu, the taste of his lips ebbed into my mind forever.
“Don’t stay for long.” He snapped as he looked at Vernon then back towards the auction, a diamond ring being the next object. It must be the ring for which we are here tonight. I took Vernon’s hand and followed after him as he led us towards the garden which was lit up by little fairy lights, a marble bench placed between two beautiful rose bushes. I took a seat on the bench and hugged myself in an attempt to warm myself, I left my fur coat inside.
“Have you seen Seungcheol?” I asked, raising my eyebrows as Vernon strolled around the garden, staying in ear shot distance so he could hear me.
“He’s keeping an eye on the auction, making sure Minghao gets the ring” Vernon answered from somewhere behind me, I couldn’t see him as he was behind a tree.
“Like a bodyguard” I mumbled to myself with a small smile, even here, Seungcheol is protecting someone. Light smoke floated in the air and I turned around, eyebrows furrowed as Vernon finally came into view. A cigarette was between his lips as he inhaled deeply and then blew the smoke out.
“You smoke?!” I asked shocked as I rubbed my arms up and down, cursing Mingyu for choosing a dress with so little coverage when it’s almost winter.
“Just when stressed” Vernon shrugged and threw his cigarette into the bin with a chuckle. I shook my head at him and looked up with a small smile as he stopped in front of me, looking down with a friendly smile.
“Do you do this often?” I asked quietly, looking around the garden.
“This?”
“Yeah, like...this.” I made a suggestive face and Vernon frowned before widening his eyes. He realized that I was referring to the auction and them stealing the item they were supposed to pay for.
“Pretty often, yeah” He nodded with a pout and shrugged his suit jacket off, “As often as there’s an auction that can offer us something good”
“Why does Mingyu need a diamond ring anyway?” I asked as I watched Vernon step closer and place his suit jacket around my exposed shoulders. I quickly placed my arms into the sleeves and pulled the suit jacket tightly against my body, the warmness making me sigh.
“Won’t you be cold?” I looked at Vernon as he took a seat next to me, he just shook his head and pointed at his long sleeved black shirt that was made of silk, like my dress.
“Business is business, I can’t tell you all of our secrets, Y/N, Mingyu really will have my head if I do” Vernon chuckled but I didn’t find it funny. I frowned as the kiss flashed in my mind again and I shuddered, side eyeing Vernon to see if he saw my reaction.
“Fuck Mingyu” I muttered finally and Vernon started laughing before placing his arm around my shoulders.
“Enough of Mingyu,” He grinned cheekily as if he knew something was eating me inside, “How’s college going?”
“Honestly?” I raised my eyebrows before groaning loudly, “I’m ready to drop out”
Vernon laughed again and squeezed my shoulders, “Seungcheol hyung did tell me not to mention college too often”
“Yeah, I’m actually close to walking inside and triggering Mingyu enough so that he blows my brains out--”
“Hey, no.” Vernon frowned at me and he turned my head towards him with his free hand, our faces pretty close, “Don’t say stuff like that, it’s never funny”
“Sorry” My lips formed a straight line as I felt as if we were being watched, but ignored it, maybe someone got bored of the auction and is just roaming around, “You know, we always talk so much shit when we are together, but I never asked you...how did you join the gang?”
“Ah” Vernon sealed his lips tightly in a tight lipped smile as I rested my head against his shoulder, “Well, Seungkwan and I have been friends since middle school. He always caused trouble and I always saved his ass. So one day he got into some really serious shit and there really wasn’t much to do but to suck it up and give those men money, they wouldn’t leave us alone. But then we started not being able to gather the money, they also raised the price, and I realized Seungkwan was slowly becoming more and more paranoid and he...developed depression quickly…”
I squeezed Vernon’s knee in a reassuring manner and he sighed before clearing his throat to continue, “I don’t know how much Mingyu told you, but everyone in SVT knows each other since high school. However, I met Mingyu in my last year in middle school and I thought he was really cool. So I tried to befriend him, but one day Seungkwan and I had a massive fight in the restroom, he was in a booth and heard everything so the next day I woke up with money on my desk and a note saying, ‘Meet me on the roof’--”
“Let me guess, Mingyu lent you money so that you could pay those men?” I asked as I raised my head and turned toward Vernon again.
“He did, he gave us more money than we needed, and I took it because we were desperate. In order to show gratefulness I decided to join him”
“No questions asked as to what he did? You just joined him blindly?” I raised my eyebrows as I discovered something new about Vernon.
“Yeah, I have the tendency to jump into things without learning more about them,” He giggled to himself as if he remembered something, “Seungkwan was really pissed, he even gave me a black eye when I told him I joined Mingyu’s gang”
“For once I respect Seungkwan” I mumbled with a chuckle and Vernon laughed loudly. It was pretty obvious that Seungkwan and I didn’t really get on well when we were around each other. He always finds something that he could pick on and I just always have something to fire back at him.
“Calling it a gang is so weird now” I raised my eyebrows as Vernon grinned, “We grew so much, Mingyu has a whole empire now. You still haven’t realized that you are dealing with the biggest, strongest and most dangerous mob leader of South Korea, Y/N”
I gulped as I looked away from Vernon then back at him, “Sometimes I wish I didn’t insist on going with Seungcheol to that parking lot, he offered to take me home first but I didn’t want him to waste his time. I really hate Mingyu, you know--”
There was a crashing sound coming from behind us and both Vernon and I jumped as he tensed up. But nothing else happened so maybe it was coming from inside?
“And then there’s times when I really can’t hate him, you know?” I continued as I gazed ahead, feeling Vernon’s eyes on me, “He’s funny sometimes and nice and then there’s times when he acts like a teenage boy with a crush and I think I hate him more for that. If he was always cruel and irritating, I wouldn’t even bat an eyelash his way, but he’s just--”
“That sounds a lot like you like him--”
“Hell no!” I snapped and pushed Vernon’s head away from mine, his arm slipping from around my shoulders as he started laughing loudly, “You need to check your hearing if that’s what you got from my rant, honestly, Vernon.”
“Sorry, sorry” He was still laughing as I huffed and stood up from the marble bench, but before I could walk away, arms were around me, hugging me from behind. I rolled my eyes and turned my head so that I could look at Vernon.
“I’m not forgiving you because you hug me, okay?”
“But you love my hugs” Vernon pouted and I rolled my eyes again as I leaned down and kissed his cheek, pulling away with a wide grin.
“I love everything about you, alright?” Vernon grinned back and was about to talk when stomping was heard and someone cleared their throat. Vernon’s expression fell and he was quick to let go of me so I turned my head to see Mingyu glaring at us. Great. I can’t wait to go home and not see Mingyu for two days, I’m about to cry, I swear.
“See you inside” Vernon patted my head before walking past Mingyu, leaving us alone, again. Traitor, I grimaced as I watched Vernon’s back until he was gone.
“It seems like you forgot what I told you not even an hour ago, sugar?” Mingyu stepped closer meanwhile I took a step back and glanced away.
“You told me it was okay--”
“This is an open place, anyone can see you, sugar” I raised my eyebrows as Mingyu kept coming closer.
“Well, no one was here, I made--”
“Maybe Jun was right, you are nothing but a pain in the ass. I should kill you.” Mingyu raised an eyebrow, eyes boring into mine as my mouth dropped open.
“What!?”
“If you can tell me just one occasion when you actually listened to me, I won’t have to debate whether to kill you or not” All emotion disappeared from Mingyu’s face as a smirk was plastered on his lips, a smirk I ached to punch off his soft and pink lips. My heart started beating quickly as I tried to read Mingyu, to understand if he’s fucking with me or if he actually means his words. I gulped as he looked at me expectantly and I started thinking of all the times he told me to do something, but I always...ignored him.
“You know” I stepped closer to him, deciding to ignore his words, “I could always run inside and tell them you will steal the ring before you have to pay for it. The place is full of undercover cops and well, other gangs. I’m sure neither would appreciate it”
I shrugged as I smiled at Mingyu, however a painful grip on my upper arm yanked me into him, making me grunt. Mingyu’s jaw was clenched as he looked into my eyes, my heels bringing me to eye level with him, his nose flaring.
“You still provoke me after I told you I’m thinking of killing you?” He looked so pissed that his chuckle was something between frustration and amusement.
“So then, kill me.” I clenched my jaw as I stared him in the eyes, challenging him to do it, “Let me guess, you can’t?”
Suddenly something hard was pressing into my stomach and I sucked in a sudden breath, wanting badly to glance down at the gun but refusing to give Mingyu the satisfaction of seeing me nervous. There was a click and I knew the safety was off. I could feel my hands shaking as my eyebrows furrowed as I searched Mingyu’s blank face. He wouldn’t do it, right? He can’t kill me, he likes me. Vernon’s words rang through my head and I gulped as Mingyu slowly started smirking, a devilish look crossing his features. I went to pull away from him but he kept me in place and suddenly there was a louder click as I gasped and closed my eyes tightly, waiting for the pain to hit my body. I never said goodbye to Seungcheol or my parents, Vernon. When I felt nothing but numbness and nausea I opened my eyes to see Mingyu still smirking, gun still in his hand but not pointed at me anymore.
“You still think I can’t?” He whispered as he raised his eyebrows. My hands continued to shake as I pulled my arm out of his grip and managed to glare at him.
“I hope you root away in hell.” I whispered shakily as I raised my hand and slapped him across the cheek, the loud sound echoing around us. Mingyu just laughed as he didn’t look at me and caressed his cheek. I stormed off towards the entrance of the building, trying to hide my shaking hands.
The rest of the auction was a blur as my mind kept replaying the time when I kissed Mingyu and then it suddenly cut to the gun being pressed into me and the click of the trigger. A light ache crossed my stomach every time my mind wandered back to the memory and all I wanted to do was stand up, run home and throw up. I wanted to throw up and then take a hot shower, hopeful that it would wash away tonight. I feel like tonight’s events will have a big effect on our relationship and it surely won’t be for the best. I crossed every boundary Mingyu had and he proved it to me he wouldn’t hesitate in killing me, even if the gun wasn’t loaded. But before I could register what the host of the auction was saying, I was pulled from my seat, fur coat and purse tossed into my arms, as a firm grip guided me towards the exit and finally towards the parking lot. I wanted to see Seungcheol so badly, I wanted to hug him and just cry in his arms. I just needed comfort from my brother, the man who knows me better than anyone else. But before I could even cry out to him, I was pushed inside a white Mercedes, seatbelt forcefully secured and then the driver sat inside and started the car. I stared ahead, aware of the tension in the car, but unable to function properly anymore. Tonight was a disaster, mainly because of me, and I just want to delete it from my mind. The car glided through the lanes aggressively and suddenly I missed Wonwoo, who is a patient and calm driver. Mingyu was speeding at an ungodly speed, but I couldn’t be bothered to yell at him like I did so many other times. I was actually glad, I would get home faster and even faster away from him. The tires screeched when the Mercedes came to a stop, the force sending me a bit forward in my seat. I sighed as I undid the seatbelt and grabbed my fur coat and purse to open the door. As I pushed it open, the driver’s door was slammed closed and I closed my eyes for a second to prepare myself for another death threat. But my mind just wanted me to get away, so I tried to quickly close the door, without slamming it like the ungrateful little shit Mingyu did, and without a second thought took off towards the front door, thinking I could outrun Mingyu. But I barely took five big steps when I was pulled backwards, a loud groan leaving my lips.
“Tonight was shit, just please let me go up--” The wind got knocked out of my lungs at how aggressively Mingyu’s lips pressed against mine, my eyes widening. I’ve been thinking about doing this again tonight, but a part of me was finally scared of Mingyu. A part of me finally realized who I was dealing with. A dangerous, merciless, handsome mob leader, and he could kill me right now by using this kiss as a distraction and also muffling my lips from screaming--I pushed Mingyu away, eyes still wide as I could feel my hands shaking again.
“You can’t--you can’t just--”I tried to catch my breath and calm my hammering heart, “You can’t just point a gun at me, pull the trigger and then kiss me! I’m not an object you can just push around, bend to your wishes and use for pleasure! I’m sick of it all!”
The last statement came out as a choked up scream as I tried to keep the tears from falling, shaking my head at Mingyu as I slumped against his white car. Tonight really is a fucking nightmare.
“I’m sick of you constantly pushing me away! You’re making me crazy, Y/N!” Mingyu’s usually leveled voice rose octaves as he came uncomfortably close, making me look down.
“What if…” I bit my lower lip, trying to control the trembling in my voice, I was about to tell a lie and I needed to make it sound real, “What if I don’t like you? Will you still force yourself on me? Because then you really are a piece of shit.”
Sometime during these months, when Mingyu was nice and approachable, I discovered a softer side of him, a decent, human, side of him. A side that was immensely attractive, a side I found myself liking and wishing to see more often. He was driving me crazy too, because I didn’t know anymore if I was scared of him or excited to see him. At least, tonight, I had no fucking idea anymore.
“You like me” His answer was more of a let out breath, his lips curled in a simple smile, “I know you do.”
“No, I don’t!” I snapped, looking up at him irritated, “At least not tonight”
“You had to learn the hard way, sugar, it’s not my fault” Mingyu sighed and I huffed as I rolled my eyes.
“Right, point a gun at me and then pull the fucking trigger but surprise! It has no bullets. No. I’m not doing this, I just want to forget this stupid night and ignore you until you get bored and leave me the fuck alone!”
“I told you I will never leave your side” Mingyu whispered, a shit eating grin spread on his lips. It took the little self control I still had to not kick him in the shin as I glared at him.
“I will go to the police, I’ve really had enough of you!”
“Oh, no, I’m so scared!” Mingyu mocked a scared voice as he widened his eyes in fake fright, “As if the police could do anything”
“I’m sure the police can’t wait to get their hands on you and actually lock you up” It was my time to grin smugly at him, his expression instantly becoming pissed, “Oh the things I know…”
“I dare you” He stepped even closer, his body pressed against mine, pressing me into the Mercedes. I gulped as I ignored the shivering of my body and my still shaky hands, trying to keep my eyes glued to his.
“You know I have the guts to actually do it, don’t ask for something you can’t handle, Mingyu” I whispered watching him sigh, his breath hitting my face, before he licked his lips. Without thinking, I licked my lips as well and the action caught his attention making me curse myself. I was trying to avoid this moment, yet here we are, my eyes were closed before Mingyu could even lean in, my chin tilted for him. This time, his lips pressed lightly against mine, like when I tried to fake the kiss on the dance floor, and he waited for me to give my permission. When I pressed back my lips against his, his large palm went to my nape and held it firmly, our lips moving slowly. I felt bad for the expensive, white fur coat when it dropped from my hand as I went to thread my fingers through Mingyu’s hair. I raised my right hand and tried to find the roof of the Mercedes to place my purse on it, the kiss turning a lot needier than before. Finally finding it, I let the purse rest on the roof and quickly circled my right arm around his neck as I pulled Mingyu even closer, our lips parting as Mingyu tried to dominate the kiss. For the first time he didn’t fight back as I took over, our tongues dancing together as I hummed when his hand started to roam my back underneath Vernon’s suit jacket. I tugged on his hair when his grip on my nape became a bit too firm, warning him that I would end this make out if he didn’t stop with his power play. But the tug fueled something in Mingyu as his hand on my back traveled higher and suddenly started tugging Vernon’s jacket off, pressing continuous pecks against my lips. I ran out of air, lungs on fire, as I tried to tell him to stop, but he pressed a hard kiss against my lips and my complaint got swallowed as Vernon’s jacket fell off my shoulders. The coldness covered me in goosebumps as I latched onto Mingyu again, trying to warm myself. He pulled away, chest falling up and down at a quick pace, as he nibbled on my lower lip, his canines sinking into my lip. I opened my eyes and pulled my head back to stop him from kissing me again, but instead his lips started kissing my jaw, making me sigh.
“Do you want me to get pneumonia?” I mumbled as I grabbed his head with both hands, stopping him, “That suit jacket was the only thing keeping me warm.”
“That suit jacket is Vernon’s” Mingyu’s words were airy as he tried to catch his breath still, eyes glaring just slightly.
“So what?” I shrugged and went to pick it up but Mingyu pressed me up against the car again firmly, “Seriously? I’m freezing!”
“You will not wear Vernon’s or any other men’s clothes, yeah?” Mingyu raised his eyebrows as he searched my eyes and I smirked as I made eye contact with him. Little jealous piece of shit, I chuckled as I pushed Mingyu.
“Well, then I’m going up” I picked my fur coat up and reached for my purse, stepping around Mingyu.
“Yeah, we should go up before you get sick--”
“Oh no” I chuckled, turning back to face Mingyu, “You are not coming up with me, Mingyu”
“Why not, sugar?” He asked with a smirk as he bent to pick up Vernon’s suit jacket.
“Because I’m not sleeping with you tonight…” My eyebrows furrowed as the thought wasn’t as repulsive as it was a few months ago, “Or anytime else. Besides, you held an unloaded gun to my stomach and pulled the trigger--”
“Emphasis on unloaded” Mingyu pointed out as I rolled my eyes and started walking again towards the main entrance.
“I really hate you Mingyu”
“Vernon says you like me a lot--”
“You were eavesdropping?!” I squealed as I turned to face him again, “You’re a piece of shit!”
“I know, I know” Mingyu mumbled as he rolled his eyes and walked up to me, “Seems like you still have a thing for this piece of shit though”
“I do not!” I snapped and Mingyu chuckled before leaning down and pecking my lips.
“I will never ever again kiss you, so I hope tonight’s kiss will last you a lifetime of nightmares” Mingyu chuckled before he walked past me and dropped Vernon’s suit jacket into the trash bin.
“Mingyu!” My eyebrows furrowed as I shook my head at him, finally reaching the main entrance to the building.
“What? He can afford to buy another one”
“I really liked that jacket though…” I muttered as I entered the pass code and opened the door, stepping inside. I turned to see Mingyu glaring at me as I held the door open just enough for my head to peek out a bit, “Even though I have to admit that your outfit tonight was really hard to resist. Would love to see the rest of what’s underneath too”
My eyes traveled from Mingyu’s exposed chest down the rest of his body while biting my lower lip, to look up at a frozen Mingyu, jaw clenched. He suddenly started walking towards the door and I quickly closed it before he could reach it. I smirked when he glared at me and showed him my middle finger.
“I know the pass code” He warned, hand reaching to type in the numbers. I showed him my middle finger again before taking off towards the elevator to ride up to my floor. He will never get past my three locks on the door that I had installed yesterday.
Part 3
#bvidzsoo#seventeen scenarios#seventeen oneshot#seventeen smut#seventeen fluff#seventeen angst#choi seungcheol#yoon jeonghan#joshua hong#wen junhui#kwon soonyoung#jeon wonwoo#lee jihoon#lee seokmin#kim mingyu#xu minghao#boo seungkwan#hansol vernon chwe#lee chan#irene red velvet#seventeen ot13#seventeen mingyu#mingyu pairing#mingyu oneshot#seventeen gang au#seventeen mob au#seventeen university au
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Nothing in Particular Update #3
About seven months and I finished the first draft at 93k!
I always imagined how it would feel to finish a first draft (I’ve been writing novels “seriously” since about 2017) and now that I’ve finally done it, I can say it’s a better feeling than I imagined! Telling my friends and family (and even my doctor, who was really quite excited about it) was an amazing amazing thing. I’m generally pretty nervous to tell people about my work, but I had a really positive reaction. Honestly all of it has me on a creative high (not sure I’m coming down from that any time soon lol).
I’m going back for my last year of school in two days, which means I’m not going to have as much time as I did to write all summer. This is okay, because I’m actually going to take an entire month off of writing! I’m really burnt out - don’t want to start editing a story that’s so near to me if I don’t feel ready. I’ll talk more about editing when the time comes!
In a lot of ways, I found that my life mimicked my art. I think for a lot of people, it tends to be the other way around, but this story did a lot to heal me.
Going to hop right into excerpts now! I’m not going to explain much this far into the story because I would like to try to publish this story (FAR in the future) so I apologize for that! Also, I stopped naming most of the chapters until I go back and edit because there are just SO MANY and I didn’t have the time to stop and think of cool names. Anyways... enjoy!!
(Here is the link to the original masterpost!)
#1
text: Rays of gold curled to the ground, primordial and shy as the fire reeds on the cusps of shallow pool around the bay outside of Mothouse combed them to fine sparkles. I remembered the way Lonan kneeled on the edges of this pool. He never dove in – just blinked slowly as he watched crabs and minnows chase each other in a swirl of sand. I could not resist the water. I’d made it a part of me. My hair was longer then; down to my elbows, fading from dark red to orange and white, soaked always. Lonan let me borrow his shirts when I forgot to bring my own. They hung from my waist, too big for me, and I was warm even as the breeze rocked us inside.
#2
text: The sky was never blue in Point Blink. At least, I couldn’t remember the last time the clouds hadn’t given way to a dark gray mist. Jude was here. I was out of place. I was floating – watching slender, underfed pines wave in the breeze behind houses on the water before they disappeared underneath furls of cloud. Bursts of warm light shone in windows on the bay, like hungry eyes watching for a storm. A group of kids our age chaffed on a rocky expanse, their heads popping over pockets of darkness when they laughed. Froths of cloud stretched across the sky, moving the ground with it. Long stretches of trees and islands far on the other side of our small pocket of ocean looked more like large freight ships. Lights glittered and beamed on the roads and highways that belonged to the city. Pink was starting to show over the horizon. Lonan was on the other side. Somewhere.
#3
text:
Jude sucked her lips in and flopped onto her stomach so she could see the blue below her feet. Her dark curls draped over her ears and hid her nose.
“I can’t see the bottom of the ocean.” She cupped her fingers with the other hand. “See where the water fades to white and back again? The endless tide. Why do people say the ocean is blue?”
I leaned forward. She was right. Blue ocean climbed up the side of the cliffs and turned the rocks a dark gray; ate the erosion as if from a plate. I’d never had the ocean explained to me that way before.
“I think I like it that way,” I said.
I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what was at the bottom of Point Blink.
#4
text:
She smiled weakly. “It’s okay. This is just guesswork. Patchwork.”
I wanted to apologize again, but I had a strong guess that it might make her annoyed with me. “It’s kind of like… I’m just waiting for the next bad thing to happen.”
She wrinkled her nose and eyebrows, scrunched up her little face. “That’s dumb.”
“I think it’s a smart way to live.” Sometimes it felt like worry was the only thing that kept me alive. It wasn’t dumb at all.
“You’re going to be fine though. We’re going to be fine. If something bad happens, we’ll deal with it. Don’t let it eat you.”
There was wisdom in what this seventeen-year-old girl on my bed had offered me. I caught it like a gold coin. Before I could reply with anything, she launched into another question. I didn’t want to think much about change anyways.
#5
text:
“Oh. Wow. That’s like, next year.” I sort of laughed.
“A year can be a long time,” Lonan said with a wince. “What do you think?”
I sighed through my nose and leaned back with him. The sun was going down. Sometimes, my life felt less like a golden hourglass and more like a stopwatch with a broken face.
“For once, I think I agree with your mom.”
Lonan just stared at me, with something like awe.
“I think you should do what you want,” I said.
“Ray,” Lonan started.
“No,” I interrupted him. “It’s not about me. She’s stopped you from doing anything and everything you’ve wanted to for the last four years, so when you go to college, you’ve got to separate yourself from this place.” I pointed to him. “You’re allowed to do this.”
#6
text:
Maybe I was just being strange. Lonan was my best friend. It didn’t help that there was a little bit of him in everything – the tide pools, the echo of shells, my broken camera.
Soon, we stood in the center of the field. A breeze whispered through the cattails, fanning against our knees. Ellis loped behind me as I stepped in and out of tire tracks under the cloudless sun. She wasn’t much different than Jude. Her footsteps crunched excitedly behind mine, excited at the prospect of an unprecedented adventure. I’d missed those.
Lonan said he didn’t like to walk in fields because the wind tricked him into thinking that someone was behind him. Every brisk of his heel was a trick of the mind. Sometimes I felt the same way, like I might be haunted.
#7
text:
The ageless water begged me closer, frizzed my hair and swathed my arms in a sweet, familiar scent. I remembered galloping down to the shore with a childhood friend in one May. Soft piano accompanied croaky lyrics from someone’s radio when we fell chest-first into the water. Static erupted in my head. There had been nothing new for me in Point Blink for so long that I’d forgotten what it was like to float. Grass turned into pebbles, and I heard Ellis’ footsteps soften to the beat of the sand. Our eyes crumbled the shells that walled the long expanse of dark sand where waves rolled in. We leaned over like two swans, crunching shells beneath our feet, displaying shells to one another, naming the ones we recognized, and when I looked out at the horizon, I saw blue.
Red plastic cups, cigarettes, and even some broken glass stuck out through the sand as we made our way further down the shoreline, as if someone had thrown a party. My brow furrowed. Maybe this part of the beach wasn’t so abandoned after all.
Between the spit of the waves and dry sand lay some sort of book. Sand trickled out of the pages and onto my shoes when I swept it out of line of an oncoming wave. Ellis was beside me in moments. Shells tolled under her shoes.
#8
*Warning for mention of blood (fake blood and fake knife!!) this takes place on Halloween haha*
text:
Jude held the container in her palm, kneeled down so we were shoulder to shoulder. Her eyes fixed on the knife in my neck, mine on her hands, then her focused expression. Her fingers tipped my chin up, cold on my skin. I tried not to move. Suddenly, I wasn’t thinking about Dad, or Raven, or Lonan. I only let Jude in – this girl who had come out of nowhere and wrecked me, saved me. And she didn’t know any of that. I didn’t owe anything to her, but I needed her. She kept us afloat when I couldn’t even keep myself above water. Her fingers painted blood over the center of my throat, our breath quiet on each other’s cheeks. She held my shoulder as she set back.
“Absolutely feral,” she said.
#9
text:
“Point Blink is all I have. It’s where I am, what I am.” My throat was tight. “It’s all I’ve known. I am happy with my life. And I’m sorry, but I’m not willing to throw all of that away so we can dig up answers. I want to stay.”
Jude sat there for a moment. I think Florian and Ellis had turned to look at us, because when we went silent, I could no longer heat their hushed whispers, only the sound of water as it rose and rose and rose. I wondered if it would rain.
Jude sat up on her hands, then her knees, then she stood over me.
“Is that what you honestly believe?”
Tears bubbled in her eyes. Blood streaked down her cheeks. I’d been so focused on not crying, I had missed when she started to.
“Point Blink is just the same as anywhere,” she said. The words sat somewhere above her inside her chest, weak and frail, as though they’d been realized a long time ago.
I’d stared into her eyes until they disappeared. She grabbed onto a branch above her and quietly swung herself around a corner. Her footsteps echoed until they dissolved into waves and birds and frogs and left me in the dark.
#10
*Warning for strong language!*
text:
“Why didn’t you tell me how you’d been feeling?” he asked after a few moments of silence. It was beginning to stretch uncomfortably.
“I know I don’t deserve to know,” he added, “but you’ve always put me first.”
I picked at the wood that peeled from the fence.
“I just want you to be okay,” Lonan croaked. “Please tell me what to do.”
Even when we were together, we still worried about each other. It wasn’t always that way. Maybe that was my fault. I didn’t want to think about it.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” I mumbled into the crisp, red air. “To be fair, I didn’t know it like I know now for a long time. I think sometimes I got the same way as a kid. Now I have a name for it, and I still don’t know if it feels right.” I sighed. “I guess… I guess I just thought that was how things were supposed to be. I thought I was only the humming low and the high.”
“Of course that’s not how you’re fucking supposed to be.”
I coughed on a laugh, wiped away a new set of tears. On the rare occasion that Lonan did swear, he sounded much like he was doing it for the first time.
I hadn’t fully realized what I’d said before Lonan’s hand was around my arm. He pulled me close to his chest. I felt smaller than him; warm and safe. I exhaled and sunk into him, didn’t allow anything else in. I’d almost forgotten what that felt like.
“You’re funny and smart and better than a lot of people.”
And... that wraps up all of my excerpts for the time being! I really enjoyed writing the last four chapters of this book. Of course they aren’t perfect. A lot of the book needs improvement. There are entire characters who are flat and plot lines I just forgot about! Come October, I plan to get back into my edits/rewrite the story.
Really quick before I finish writing this:
I just wanted to thank everyone who read about my story and showed genuine interest in the characters. Had I not received all of this love from people in real life and online, I might never have finished this draft at all. When I started this story, my mental health was really quite bad. (I’m doing a whole lot better these days!!) I guess you could say the idea started as more of a journal entry. All of these characters are like little parts of me coming together to help the main character, and I think there’s something really special about that.
Thank you so much! Good luck on all your creative endeavors! It pays off in the end, I promise :)
tag list (ask to be +/-); @wannabeauthorzofija @a-completely-normal-writer @baguettethebooklover @corkytheguar @writeherewaiting @cryptid-s-wips @kingsinking @author-a-holmes
#my little note at the end says it all haha#thank you so so much for reading!#I still can't believe I finished this book on five hours of sleep
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