december 17, 2023

dear tumbr,

finals are over and i have an abundant amount of time to just get lost in my own mind. i spent the whole day cleaning my bathroom for fuck's sake.

life since the last update has been full of complete ups and downs but i kinda want to focus on my emotional shit right now because thats the thing im struggling the most with.

so ive always been a huge mess emotionally. change is something i struggle with really bad too. my mom stayed home with me until pre-school where it was decided that I needed to go so that my separation anxiety could have a chance to get better. it was hard. going to school continued to be hard for me until the third or fourth grade, long past when it was normal. i would cry when i would get dropped off for the first week or two but the older i got the more ashamed i became of crying. it wasn't normal but i couldn't help it, i would try to stop it but i couldn't. i could only try to hide it to the best of my ability. my emotions were to sensitive according to those around me. being sensitive shouldn't be a bad thing but the word 'sensitive' is frequently used as an insult. i internalized it. i didn't let myself show anything that could be construed as weakness past the fifth grade. it helped. once people stopped seeing a reaction they were less likely to pick on me. this has lasted to nineteen. i have become uncomfortable showing any emotion that is unguarded to others, even those who i desperately want to be able to show how much i love them and that i know want to know when i'm not doing well.

i've taken to experiencing my emotions in private. the dull ache of yearning for connection and the pressing weight of the worlds standards and wanting to be better. i want to be better. better in both in terms to my health, mental and physical, and for those around me. i fear i don't do enough. i don't want to be clingy or rather i don't want to be seen as clingy. i know i'm clingy, i alway have been. but my clingy nature has made me scared that i'm annoying. i don't want to be annoying. i don't want to give anyone a reason to leave.

i'm scared to show sides of myself that are unsavory. especially with clar. the more of myself i show him, the more reasons i give him to leave. at the same time, i want him to know me, in my entirety. its almost like i want him to have all the information before he makes a decision. i truly don't know what keeps him with me. he has done nothing but support me and i've been a complete mess for the past month. i try to pull it together but i don't want to lie. i don't lie to him. that's one vow i've told myself is that i wont lie to him. i don't know why he's with me though, its the one thing i can't wrap my head around. i don't know why he reached out in february about valentines day. i don't know why he reached out in march. i just don't know what is appealing. don't get me wrong, i'm glad he did. i love him. but he could do so much better than me. he could have someone who isn't like this.

anyway, it's christmas time i shouldn't be sad.

i've been crying for two hours now, i cant think straight about what i want to write about.

tldr; i'm insecure and mentally unwell. i hate who i have become.

kat out <3