sorry i overreacted i had no idea everything would be fine

I love being told that my PERSONALITY DISORDER shouldn’t effect me that much and that I should just not act the way I do 😒🙄 Like gee why didn’t I think of that, let me just make it disappear real quick

It’s all about pathetic oversharing and 2 pity likes from your mutuals on here

bpd culture is Everyone Adores You (At Least I Do) by Matt Maltese

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i hate this. i was fine ten minutes ago and now i’m crying when i should be getting ready

squeezing hands is soooooo sweet methinks. like when ur with a bunch of people and then your person is holding ur hand and squeezes it just to let u know they’re aware of your presence more than anything else and that ur the thing that matters the most amongst whatever it is that’s going on around them. it’s so. yeah

is he ignoring me on purpose? is he distancing himself? did he lie the last time when he said imhe wasnt mad? is he mad? what did i do? i dint thjnk i did anything but that and he said it was okay, did he lie to me? why would he lie to me? why wouldnt he tell me if i hurt him? maybe i did i hurt him?

want to get wine drunk and kiss you for a couple hours

I’m not in the mood right now, ask again in 5 minutes when my entire personality does a 360 again

The feeling of emptiness it's back. It's worse than usual, it's terrifying, it has never been this strong before.

If someone changes their tone of voice during a conversation with me I feel like the whole worlds collapsed on my body.

new treatment idea !! euthenize me

slow and sensual sex with someone you’ve developed an emotional connection with and trust, fixating your eyes on them as your fingers interlock. gravitate your chest against mine, bringing our hearts closer. feel my desire for you beating louder as each second passes my love.

january 31, 2024

dear tumblr,

its the first journal posting of 2024, very exciting.

this wont be as heavy as some of the other topics that i have covered or will cover but its something ive been thinking about over the past few days.

my hair is changing. its loosing its curl and its bringing me some very conflicting feelings. i will admit, this is a very on brand thing for me to be having big feelings about. hair is a really big part of people's identities and mine has been through a lot of changes from the period of time where it was dyed a new color every two weeks to being completely and utterly bald. its been every length, from to my hips to a number two buzz.

one thing that it had never been before cancer was naturally curly. in fact it rarely held a curl on its own as it was too think to allow itself to be shaped, even temporarily. now however, at least for a while, it had a natural curl with minimal frizz. this new shape of my hair follicle was not without sacrifice: my hair strands are much thinner then they were before, softer too. the change in thinness wasn't that upsetting to be me, especially when it didn't seem like it was much thinner due to the texture creating volume but now its becoming more obvious, at least to me.

my roots are growing in straight. not just a soft wave, but as straight as it was before. they have grown long enough now that i have stopped using my hair creams to make the curls stay together because when i do it makes my ends look good but my roots flat and kinda greasy even though i had washed it the night before. it doesn't look bad. it look familiar.

it looks like my old self. the one from freshman year of high school with hair to her lower back. the one that hadn't touched hair bleach other then to do the occasional cap highlight. the one who hadn't yet experienced the reality of what life could be, good and bad, despite being in the worst phase of my eating disorder; the phase that made me decide that i really had no choice but to try to recover.

its painful to look so much like a version of yourself that you can no longer relate to. its painful because its like i'm loosing a part of the new me just by looking like the old me. she's so different from me now but when i look in the mirror i just see her. she didn't know what her life would be like. she didn't know that there would be a global pandemic keeping her from fully developing. she didn't know that she would get cancer and have scars littering her body for the rest of her life. she was preoccupied with crushes and conventions. she was still grappling with the impacts that being groomed were having on her.

now im in my college dorm in a city where i know nobody well enough to consider them a friend. the loss of my curls feel like a loss of my past. the two year anniversary of my diagnosis was five days ago, around the same time i noticed my hair changing. cancer has been a huge part of my life for those two years, although unwillingly. the loss of my curls feel like a loss those two years. i know it changes nothing. i know that i still had that illness. i know that i still am dealing with the aftermath. i know i will be dealing with the aftermath for the rest of my life. this is just the loss of the one piece of proof that is seen as pretty. i am just the same as i was before. i am just left with scars, physical and mental.

kat out <3