bluetspur-brain
I, God: Diaries of an Elder Brain
PARODY * Elder Brain * deity * Ravenloft * aberration * CR 42 * Lawful-Evil * Worst Boss-Parent in Bluetspur for one-thousand-eleven consecutive years * he/them/it
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i should get some sort of small sculpture to focus on while i meditate, and maybe i should attribute mystical properties to it as well
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*snf* I’m so proud of my misbegotten, treacherous, and woefully stupid spawn.
Barovian Tales: Gary’s Birthday
(Dedicated to @bluetspur-brain )
So, there I was one slow February morning when I spied Gary, my High-Master Illithid / barista, with his back turned to me, working on something in secret.
When your disloyal, scheming Illithid employee has their back turned to you, working on something in secret, that is rarely a good sign. I fished out my trusty silvered dagger and approached cautiously.
Gary was so occupied that he did not notice me until I prodded his back with the knife and whispered harshly, “what are you working on, Gary?”
Gary started and turned around, facial tentacles flailing nervously. That’s when I saw it: the crappiest, brain-shaped birthday cake I had ever seen.
I stared puzzled for a moment. My birthday was supposedly in September, or so my parents told me. That could only mean one thing…
“Gary, is it your birthday?”
The Illithid telepathically sent a sheepish “yes” to my mind.
I lowered the knife. “I had no idea you had a birthday. I thought you were planning my downfall.”
“Not today,” said Gary in my mind nonchalantly.
I paused. “I am surprised you remember your birthday. I thought all your memories were erased by the God Brain’s mindless collective in Bluetspur.”
The gentle, soothing voice replied back in my mind. “My distance from the collective has allowed some of my previous memories as a tadpole to surface as well as my ceremorphosis.”
Gary shared some brief telepathic images: swimming in the brine pool of the God Brain, followed by his takeover of a drow warrior’s body and excruciating transformation. I quickly shut that part out of my mind. “Sorry,” apologized Gary, “I’ll fast-forward that part.”
Too late, there went my breakfast.
Later, I said, “well even in a crappy place like Barovia birthdays are worth celebrating. We should have a birthday party.”
A couple rooms over I could hear Viktor’s ghostly voice moaning, “you never celebrated my birthday.”
“Quiet, you!”
I scrounged some party supplies from around town, bribed a local Vistana band to play at our shop for the night, and enticed some customers to stay around by promising 1/2 off a second topping with the purchase of any Uncle Oleksii meal.
In no time at all, we had a birthday party for Gary. His “brain cake” tasted every bit as awful as you can imagine (chocolate frosting did not help), and everyone kept a safe distance from Gary, but for once Barovian Chicken and Waffles wasn’t entirely a depressing place.
Later, we asked Gary to give a speech.
Gary floated on top of a table and said, “I am an Illithid of few words, and not very good at speeches, but here goes.”
Suddenly a rainbow colored flash like a funnel or cone of energy projected from his mind and we all blacked out.
When I came to, I saw Gary devouring the cranium of a customer. In my most sitcom voice, I said, “Gaaarrryyyy!!!”
Somewhere in the distance, one could hear the cruel, canned laughter of the Dark Powers …
Later, as our ogre zombie dishwasher cleaned up the shop and disposed of the evidence, it was time to wind down and prepare for the next shift. I said to Gary, “you know, you’re the most conniving and untrustworthy employee I have, but happy birthday anyway!”
I felt a wave of joy emanate from Gary.
At that moment, a party of men dressed in strange, black suits, red cravats, and each carrying square-shaped leather briefcase entered the shop.
“Oh, I forgot to mention,” said Gary in my mind, “while you were unconscious I sold the shop to something called a ‘shell company’ from the ‘America’ demiplane. I made a tidy profit. I hope you don’t mind.”
“Gaaarrryyyy!!!”
(pause, Seinfeld style credits roll)
#ravenloft#dnd#ttrpg#barovia#d&d#dungeons and dragons#life in barovia#waffles#fried chicken#bluetspur
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Azalin Reviews: Darklord Claude Renier
Darklord: Claude Renier
Domain: Richemulot
Domain Formation: 694 BC
Sources: Realm of Terror (2e), Gazetteer 2 (3e), Gazetteer 3 (3e), Legacy of Blood (3e)
Scholars have determined that prior to being claimed by the Mists, the Renier family was made of two branches – high born nobles that used their influence for the betterment of society and a clan of wererats that did the opposite. The Renier family have a complicated history in the Demiplane of Dread and the first known Reniers to stumble into the Mists settled in Mordent. Their patriarch, Jacques Renier, built the House on Gryphon Hill as well as Heather House, the current dwelling of the Weathermay family. It becomes more complex as the wererat curse developed in Jacques’s offspring, splitting the family further. This rivalry between the human and wererat side of the family only increased when Claude Renier and his pack of wererats fled into the Mists and found themselves in the city of Silbervas in Falkovnia.
Claude quickly integrated his family with the local wererats that lived in the sewers of Silbervas and created a thriving thieves’ guild that integrated with the humanoids of Silbervas. As in the manner of rats, Claude’s influence rapidly multiplied and eventually drew the attention of Falkovnia’s little mercenary, Vlad Drakov and his band of more talented thugs, the Talons. Vlad oversaw the extermination of the wererats in Silbervas and to everyone’s surprise, was quite successful in his endeavors. Over the course of three years, which have been aptly named ‘The Years of the Impaled Rats’, Vlad flushed out the wererats from the sewers of Silbervas causing Claude to flee into the Mists once more.
As if being defeated by Vlad Drakov wasn’t torment enough, the Dark Powers created a prison in the form of Richemulot just for Claude Renier. From Chateau Delanuit in Pont-A-Museau, Claude ruled over the governing bodies of Richemulot as well as his own family. He ruled through manipulation and ensuring the other wererats were too busy vying for his attention to plot against him. He paid particular attention to his twin granddaughters, Jacqueline and Louise Renier. Seeing as Jacqueline eventually usurped her grandfather’s position as the Darklord of Richemulot, one can imagine how well this worked out for the twitchy rat.
Claude Renier is little more than a footnote in Jacqueline’s story. A footnote that was defeated by Vlad Drakov who couldn’t win a battle against a single zombie…I rarely agree with our tormentors, but in this case they were well advised to throw Claude to the rats and deliver the carcass of his domain to Jacqueline.
#azalin rex#darklordreviews#ravenloft#dnd#wererat#claude renier#jacqueline renier#richemulot#tumblrloft
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m’lady Absolute, perchance, may I take that crown from your lovely mass? Per se, m’lady.
#Elder Brain Pickup Lines#elder brain posting#ravenloft#darklords#illithid#d&d#bluetspur#mind flayer#bg3
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Welcome to Wonderful World of Darklords! While superheroes and D&D are staples of geek culture, they don't necessarily go together; the occasional Sorcerer Supreme notwithstanding, superheroes are more associated with sci-fi than high fantasy. Luckily, not only is there a D&D setting that lets us embrace the technowizardry of Big Hero 6 without throwing all the fantasy tropes out the window, but it's a setting that doesn't have a full domain to its name yet. Topics discussed include:
How to get an ongoing story engine out of Callaghan/Yokai when his only goal in the movie is "kill this one guy;"
Horror possibilities for a dark superhero setting that are less obvious than the edgelord excesses of the 90s (please, we beg of you, don't make Gail Simone angry);
Settings and plot hooks suggested by the criminally underrated Big Hero 6 TV show, from secondary antagonists to sinister underworld cooking competitions, and an overarching theme to make them feel coherent with the domain;
Possibilities for the Big Hero 6 team that go beyond our go-to response of "kill them off so they aren't getting in the way of the PCs;"
and more!
The full writeup for San Fransokyo (or its non-copyright equivalent, San Franciskyoto) is available for free on DM's Guild: https://www.dmsguild.com/product/472549/San-Franciskyoto-A-Ravenloft-Domain-of-Dread?affiliate_id=241770
All music recordings are in the public domain (mark 1.0) and are licensed through https://musopen.org:
Chopin Nocturne in B-Flat Minor, Op. 9 No.1 (main theme), performed by Eduardo Vinuela
Chopin Etude Op. 25, No. 12 in C Minor: “Ocean” (darklord theme), performed by Edward Neeman
Chopin Nocturne in F Minor, Op. 55 No. 1 (land theme), performed by Luke Faulkner
Rachmaninoff Morceaux de Fantaisie, Op. 3 - 2. Prélude in C sharp minor (Dread Possibilities), performed by Sergei Rachmaninoff
Chopin Nocturne in E Minor, Op. 72 No. 1 (parting thoughts), performed by Luke Faulkner
Dialog for Yensid was written by Azalin Rex himself @darklordazalin
The Wonderful World of Darklords logo was designed by Halite Jones, whom you can find @halite-jones or on on Instagram at http://www.instagram.com/insta_halite
Contact us on:
Gmail: [email protected]
Facebook: @wonderfulworldofdarklords
Tumblr: @wonderfulworldofdarklords
Patreon: www.patreon.com/WonderfulWorldofDarklords
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*seeing the Absolute for the first time*
What gorgeous lobes. She’s… perfect. 🧠😍🥰🧠
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This guy has issues. Pun not unwelcome.
Doing one of these but with my mutuals after seeing this image on my dash today!!
..Y'know he may be the god of war but.. I'm not mad. No, no not at all. :)
@xxgalacticambitionsxx @hatbox-apologist @ghostingyourass79 @kittieshauntedourfantasy @emerald194 @thatonerabbit @comical-icicle
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AMERICAN! Muahahaha
I have such awful delights to show you.
*queues up 201 episodes of The Office*
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I have such awful delights to show you.
*queues up 201 episodes of The Office*
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*splashing noises*
I am begging everyone to stop hornyposting about squids.
I’m sexy too. And lonely.
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Yeah, his comely humanoid form is… really not good.
I am begging everyone to stop hornyposting about squids.
I’m sexy too. And lonely.
#tumblrloft#ravenloft#elder brain posting#dnd#bluetspur#darklords#illithid#mind flayer#ttrpg#barovia#he always puts the nose in the wrong place
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Bluetspur: *tearing out hair* “The cats—the cats! THE CAAAATS!!”
Barovia: “I was Burgomeister for 3 weeks until my wife and kids were eaten by werewolves, and our village was crushed in the latest uprising. Now I am a vampire spawn of the Devil Strahd.”
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It ruins the flavor though
I am begging everyone to stop hornyposting about squids.
I’m sexy too. And lonely.
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I am begging everyone to stop hornyposting about squids.
I’m sexy too. And lonely.
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Revisiting my greatest contribution to Twitterloft
MISTY ROADS (TAKE ME HOME)
Almost died in Bluetspur Badlands
Makab Mountain, cyclopean ruin
Death is older in lands such as these
Younger than the creatures lurkin’ down beneath
Misty roads, take me home
From this place
I don’t belong!
Back to Darkon
Even Borca
Take me home, misty roads
All my memories start to flounder
Nightmare landscape, dreams of briny water
Red and evil star up in the sky
Acrid noxious gases burnin’ out my eyes
Misty roads, take me home
From this place
I don’t belong!
From the Badlands,
Save me Ezra!
Take me home, misty roads
I fear behind me the illithid are huntin’
Lightning strikes remind me not to tarry in one place
Lookin’ for a road I’ve got a feeling like I’ll never get home
Not today—where’s the daaaaay?
Misty roads, take me home
from this place
I don’t belong!
Strahd protect me
from the God-Brain
Take me home, misty roads
#tumblrloft#ravenloft#elder brain posting#dnd#darklords#bluetspur#illithid#mind flayer#d&d#country roads#parody
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