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omiscurls · 3 years

Note

Diluc, zhongli and childe reaction to their s/o breaking up with them after something they said, maybe after a week or so after they argument they think the s/o forgave them but they break up instead? I WANT THE ANGST

consequences

plot: reader decides to break up with the character after not speaking to them

contains: diluc, zhongli, tartaglia (idk how am i going to do this to my special boy but ill try my best)

warnings: angst, breakups, implied past toxic behavior

a/n: OH MY GOD THIS WAS SO HARD- I DONT HAVE THE HEART TO BREAKUP WITH PEOPLE

diluc

hopeless thoughts ran through your head as you fought with yourself about wether to enter angel’s share or not, hand halfway through to the doorknob. your mind hadn’t been made up just yet, you were still in between two very different scenarios - the urge to forgive him for his hurtful words growing stronger each day, as anger and other emotions subdued to loneliness and the feeling of a part of you missing, ever since the two of you stopped talking.

your mind flashed back to the exact moment when you looked into diluc’s eyes, always so soft and calm for you, forming a way of anger he never expressed towards you before. to the feeling you got right then and there that this man is not the same one you’ve met and fell in love with.

the process of coming to terms with that conclusion was as painful as the first strike of his angry glare, and even though he seemed to have realized the weight of his words right after saying them out loud, no matter how hard you tried, you could not erase them from your memory.

one strike of that pain, one memory of that night was enough to make you go through with your plan, door to the bar opening with a little screech.

it was like just another late afternoon, with charles tending the bar, knights and townsfolk filling the hot room, and the smell of alcohol traveling through the air.

“hi” you said to the bartender “is master diluc around?”

charles, busy with his work, quickly replied that he’s out back, opening a barrel. you nodded and went where his directions guided, pushing open yet another door to see the back of the man you loved, looking just as always from this angle, working over said chore. he didn’t even seem to mind the fact that someone walked in on him working.

“diluc” you said with a sigh, and he almost immediately turned around, tools falling from his hands and onto the ground.

“darling, hi” he replied quietly, walking over to you but stopping half way, eyes set to analyze your expression, figure out what was going on in your mind. “i’m glad you’re here safely, i haven’t heard from you in over a week” he added cautiously, as if weighing every word before deciding to say it out loud.

“well” you sighed again, once again going over wether you should actually break things off right then, mind taking pity on his troubled expression, tired eyes, on the obvious eyebags that were much more apparent than before, a sign that he didn’t catch too much sleep. “i had to come to terms with what i’m about to say”

he wanted to tell you he was sorry, he really did, but words didn’t seem to come out of his throat. obviously he was sorry, it was a bad day and he meant none of what he said, but you knew that, right? you knew he always cared for you and loved you… right?

he wasn’t the best with words, hence, the idea of apologizing with a gesture after you were done teaching him his lesson came to mind. a brilliant idea, one could never go wrong with a thoughtful deed for their significant other, just give him one more chance.

“and my conclusion is, we need to take a step back and… reevaluate things in our lives. i’m not saying this is the ultimate end, but what you’ve said, and how you’ve said it made me realize…”

you were making a good point. you were talking about your feelings. he should listen, but the only thing he heard was the blood pumping through his veins, and the two single words

the end

so there won’t be another chance? he won’t be able to prove himself? what do you mean, the end? the best thing that ever happened to him in his sad life was coming to an end because of him? but he was so careful, he treated you like his treasure, because that’s how he truly felt, like his lifeline, something he could never lose…

and all it took was one sentence too much, one glare too intense. for the first time in what, six, maybe seven years, his eyes began to water, as he blinked the tears back at a rapid pace.

“… and that was a shitty thing to do. i hope you know that. i don’t know if i had anything else i wanted to say, perhaps i did, but… that’s all. see you around, i guess” you mumbled, loosing confidence in what you were saying, taking one last glance at his lost eyes before turning around.

turning around from him, from the love of your life, was perhaps the hardest thing you ever had to do, and yet you did do it.

before you could reach the door again, though, a cold hand caught your forearm. your eyes met his, with just a glimmer of hope that he would magically say all the right words and somehow make you stay, you didn’t want to leave, yet knew you had to. if you wanted to preserve the respect you had for yourself, you had to leave.

why were you giving him time to say something?

his helpless gaze seemed to speak with a thousand words, begging, pleading you to not leave through that door, but as much as his lips did part, not a single word left.

he couldn’t say anything to hold you back, and you ripped away from his grip, turned, and walked away.

and just like that,

he was all alone, again.

he was gonna need a drink.

zhongli

tears flooded your vision, blurring every details of zhongli’s face, causing you to only see a pale color palette, instead of your favorite person, ever. maybe it was for the best, maybe it would make it easier, you thought, but that was a foolish thing to hope for.

even through the salty tears, you could make out his eyes, it’s glow never failing to guide you, and comfort you, now seeming to burn their way through you, through your body and soul.

“you’re stuck in another love, zhongli, we both know that!” you exhaled a bit louder than you intended to, the outcome sounding more like an accusation than a fact. “how can you ever say you love me, when it’s so obvious, and so apparent, that every time you look at me, you see someone else? you HOPE for someone else?”

you could only wish the words you spoke didn’t come out as a complete mess, because of those tears you were constantly choking on. desperation seeped through your voice, as the feeling of helplessness rose every time you looked at your lover and at the anguish, and confusion he presented.

how could he make this so hard? it’s not like you’ve presented some statement he didn’t know already, right?

you hoped your eyes would say all the things you didn’t trust your voice to. you hoped he’d somehow hear how all you ever wanted was to be enough, was to meet his standard, how it tore you open that every time he said <i love you> his eyes wandered everywhere but onto yours, how all his touches seemed absent, how all his compliments were truly about some other face, some other smile, some other kind soul.

the worst part was, how could you blame him? how can anyone, ever, blame someone for being in love, of all things? love was something beautiful, and once you’ve experienced it, you’re drowned in it forever, and don’t even want to see the surface again.

love is beautiful. when you’re the one who’s receiving it. love was beautiful, to you, too, when you loved how his wisdom flew through his words, how his kindness hugged your spirit, how his aura brought you comfort. you loved his eyes, you loved his cheeks, his lips, every single detail of his skin.

the love you felt made you complete, made you warm, until you finally realize the thing you should’ve seen much sooner.

that you were merely a mirror for him to look at someone else, someone long gone.

suddenly all the warmth you felt was directed back at you, burning you inside, making you wish you never felt it in the first place.

“aren’t you gonna say something?” you whispered.

his long fingers found their way to your hand, but you snatched it away.

if you fell onto his charms now, you wouldn’t be able to get out once more.

his breath hitched as he gathered himself to speak

“i want nothing more than to love you” he said, although quietly, it rang through your ears like the loudest of screams.

you scoffed.

“we both would’ve wanted that, then”

“and i’m sure i can, if you just—“

now, laughter was all that you were capable of letting out.

“zhongli, you can’t train yourself to love someone. and even if you could, then how do you think that would make me feel? like i’m so unlovable you had to force yourself through it to grow accustomed to a feeling similar to love?”

“that’s not what i—“

“that’s what it means! let it go, please, please just… let me go” you sighed, standing up from the bench over at liyue harbor that you were sitting on. the sun has begun to set on the other side of the sea, and you couldn’t help but notice, it would’ve been the perfect date.

“i do sincerely hope you’ll find someone who’ll love you just the same” he finally stated, as he gave up on trying to make you stay.

“why?” you chuckled “so i could make them suffer the same way you made me?”

tartaglia

(archons give me strength)

you found nothing but guilt, looking into the endless ocean trapped in his eyes. for the first time in forever, they glistened, but not with a spark of joy, like you always hoped they would, they shone a sickly shine, caused by a thin layer of tears, that didn’t dear to spill over his porcelain cheeks, almost as if afraid of making contact with the ruthless face of the number eleven of the fatui harbingers.

he could’ve easily been crying if only he let himself go. he would’ve been in tears, sniffing and coughing, but he just… wasn’t. he held those tears in the gates of his eyes, as if his life depended on it.

the guilt you found inside them, wasn’t his, but yours. you felt guilty, watching this composed, confident man fall into pieces right before you, crumbling before your sight. why were you doing this? you seemed to forget all those terrible things you’ve heard just from the way his irises begged for forgiveness and brows furrowed in inexplicable sadness.

but you couldn’t, no, this time you couldn’t.

“my word” you swore on dear life you’d burst into tears if your voice shook right now “my word is final. we’re over. and that’s… that’s it. you need to understand that there won’t be another chance.”

the moment his lips parted, you knew you were lost.

“i have told you so many times already, but i will say this as much as i need to, it will never happen again! i swear, on everything i love and everything that i am, i swear on life itself, i won’t ever let that happen again! you know i won’t! come on, i promise you, if there’s anything you can say about me is i do keep my promises, don’t i? darling, please…”

“promise yourself to heal and become better, first” you stated coldly, watching faith disappearing slowly from his fixed look.

“im sorry, you know i am, im sorry, im sorry, im so fucking sorry!” a scream left his throat as desperation took over both reason and self-respect.

“sorry isn’t gonna cut it”

“then what will? i’ll do anything, anything in the world, anything to prove myself to you. i get that you can’t love me, i understand that, but please, let me win your trust again.”

he said unnaturally calmly, compared to what he did before, and you got concerned immediately.

i understand that you can’t love me, his words rang through your head. oh god, what were you doing? guilt stroke again, right at where you felt your heart to be.

right when you wanted to turn around and leave, he must’ve sensed that, and pulled you into a tight embrace. not suffocating, as they often describe it, not toxic and desperate, but… as loving as every other hug you’ve ever received from him. as calming and grounding, even though you could feel his heart racing. he didn’t refuse for you to leave, he didn’t trap you.

you understood after a while,

he was saying goodbye. all the love trapped inside his heart seeped out onto you, all his feelings surrounding and engulfing you.

“let me promise you this” he whispered, voice shaking painfully “the next time i’ll see you, i’ll be a better man. someone you will be able to be proud of, someone worthy of both your trust, and love. i won’t stop until i’ll be enough for you to look at me without the disgust and fear you have now. i promise. i’ll be better.”

“until then, then.” was the only thing you were capable of saying before leaving.

as soon as the door shut behind you, you rested against a wall and covered your mouth with a hand, unable to hold your tears any longer.

you heard a cry through the door. so he does have some feelings left, after all

your daily reminder that requests are open [here]

#genshin angst #genshin impact #diluc angst #zhongli angst #childe angst #diluc x reader #zhongli x reader #childe x reader #genshin headcanons #genshin impact x reader #gender neutral reader

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bloody-bee-tea · 3 years

Text

Worst

This fic was yet again inspired by another prompt on @mingcheng-prompts

When Jiang Cheng arrives at the Nie house, he’s no longer crying, but he still feels kinda raw. His eyes keep watering, every time he remembers the sight he came home to, and his throat still hurts from when he yelled at his shitty ex and his shitty hook-up, and all Jiang Cheng really wants to do now is curl up in a safe space and just be miserable for a while. This is the worst he felt in a while and he is in desperate need of some comfort.

He lets himself into the house when he realizes that it’s empty and he doesn’t waste a single second to toe off his shoes and slink into the living room. The couch is big and inviting and when he curls up in a corner of it, he lets out a soft sigh.

He doesn’t even want to remember how often he ends up here after one of his relationship ends but the thought is hard to shake.

Sometimes it feels like Jiang Cheng is spending more time on the couch, mourning another break-up than being in actual relationships and he can’t help but to wonder what the hell is wrong with him.

It always seems very, very easy for his boyfriends to cheat on him, or to break up with him.

Jiang Cheng presses his eyes closed, and turns further into the couch, trying to drown out the world and his own thoughts.

At least here nothing bad can happen to him. The Nie house has always been a safe space for him, least of all because Nie Huaisang and Nie Mingjue have somehow adopted him into their family, and they have given him every bit of security and stability Jiang Cheng had lacked in his own home.

At this point in time he felt more at home here than anywhere else. Which probably was a good thing, because his shitty, shitty ex had cheated on him in his own apartment and Jiang Cheng wouldn’t be ready to go back to that place for a while.

When his thoughts drift off into that direction again, he tries to think of something else, of anything else, and over that he must have fallen asleep.

He wakes up when a big, warm hand is being placed on the top of his head.

“Wanyin,” Nie Mingjue lowly greets him and it’s enough to bring fresh tears to Jiang Cheng’s eyes.

“Mingjue,” he gives back, his voice scratchy and Jiang Cheng hopes Nie Mingjue will think it’s because he has been asleep.

Going by the look on Nie Mingjue’s face though, Jiang Cheng doubts it.

“Wait here,” Nie Mingjue says and vanishes deeper into the house.

Jiang Cheng does as he’s told, staying curled up on the couch, but he keeps an ear out for Nie Mingjue, finding comfort in the fact that someone is home with him right now.

It takes Nie Mingjue a while to come back, but when he does, he changed into more comfortable clothes. He sits down on the couch, and even though it’s big enough that they could sit comfortably without touching he sits close enough that Jiang Cheng can tuck his feet under his thigh and still stay curled up as a miserable ball.

“Did you bring—” Jiang Cheng whispers, because there’s almost a ritual this by now and fresh tears spring to his eyes when Jiang Cheng realizes that he goes through enough relationships for there to be a comfort ritual afterwards.

“Course I did,” Nie Mingjue says and puts the tub of ice cream on Jiang Cheng’s knees, two spoons sticking out of it.

“Thank you,” Jiang Cheng gets out and then, before he can burst into tears again, he stuffs his mouth with ice cream.

Nie Mingjue hums in response, eating his own fill of ice cream and Jiang Cheng is thankful that he just lets him be for now.

He will ask, sooner or later, like he always does, but for now Jiang Cheng can be miserable without him asking any questions.

It takes Jiang Cheng a long time to be done with his ice cream and when he finally puts the spoon down he feels almost sick. It doesn’t help when he realizes that he ate almost the entire tub.

“Sorry,” Jiang Cheng whispers, because for all that he is always welcome in the Nie house, he sometimes still feels like an intruder.

“Don’t be,” Nie Mingjue gives back, somewhat predictably and takes the tub from him to empty it out.

Once Nie Mingjue is done he takes Jiang Cheng’s spoon from him and leaves to the kitchen. It gives Jiang Cheng a little bit of time to compose himself, because he knows that when Nie Mingjue comes back, he’ll want to know what happened.

“You wanna walk?” Nie Mingjue asks when he sits back down and Jiang Cheng shifts around on the couch until he can press his forehead to Nie Mingjue’s shoulder, his feet still securely tucked under Nie Mingjue’s thigh.

“No,” Jiang Cheng gets out, still feeling raw and hurt and Nie Mingjue hums.

Jiang Cheng knows that he will let it be for now, that he would never press, but Jiang Cheng realizes that he wants to get it all out.

He wants Nie Mingjue to comfort him and he wants to stay like this forever and he wants—Jiang Cheng doesn’t even dare to finish that thought, because it will ruin the balance they have and Jiang Cheng couldn’t take it.

“He cheated on me,” Jiang Cheng mutters and he feels how Nie Mingjue tenses under him. “In my own apartment. I came home and he was just—they were—” he breaks off, the memory choking him, but it’s already too late.

Jiang Cheng bursts into tears and he can’t even find it in him to be embarrassed about it.

Nie Mingjue doesn’t hesitate to take him into his arms, but apart from holding him and letting him weep into his shoulder he doesn’t do much. Jiang Cheng is thankful for it, because there’s no amount of nice words that could ever make this okay.

It takes him a long time to calm down again, but when he finally does he has to admit that he does feel a little bit better.

Which doesn’t mean much, because he still feels like shit.

“Why does this keep happening to me?” Jiang Cheng mutters into Nie Mingjue’s shoulder. “What’s so wrong about me that this keeps happening?”

“Nothing is wrong with you!” Nie Mingjue immediately gives back and he squeezes Jiang Cheng’s neck. “It’s them. It has nothing to do with you.”

“Yeah, right,” Jiang Cheng scoffs.

He maybe would have believed it if this was the first or only time. But it’s close to being the seventh time now—not always cheating, but the break-up is always unavoidable for some reason—and there must be something wrong with him for all these people to be in agreement.

“Wanyin, there’s nothing wrong with you,” Nie Mingjue tries again, but Jiang Cheng can’t take these lies, not right now and not from Nie Mingjue.

“Stop it,” he hisses and pulls away from Nie Mingjue. “There is, and we all know it!” he almost yells at him and then he has to get up, he has to get away or else he’s going to crumble.

He can’t bring himself to completely leave but he starts pacing the length of the living-room.

“It’s not—it’s not even only him,” Jiang Cheng says and wrings his hands in front of his chest, aware how Nie Mingjue is following his every movement with his eyes. “How many relationships did I go through now?”

It’s more of a rhetorical question, but Nie Mingjue answers him anyway.

“Seven. This was the seventh.”

“Right. Seven people thought me to be so horrible that they either couldn’t stand me and simply broke up with me, or decided they needed to cheat because clearly I was lacking something.” It almost feels like the bitterness is going to choke him. “How are you going to explain that, huh? Seven people, Mingjue!”

“They just don’t know how to appreciate you!” Nie Mingjue says just as hotly as Jiang Cheng and it’s enough to catch him off guard for a moment. “There is something wrong with them if they can’t see how amazing you are.”

Jiang Cheng stills in his frantic pacing, his heart beating quicker with something else than despair and embarrassment but he chides himself for it immediately.

Nie Mingjue has to say that. Jiang Cheng is almost like a little brother to him, of course he has to say that.

“Shut up,” Jiang Cheng hisses. “You don’t know—you’re just saying this because—I don’t want to hear it,” he finishes weakly. “Not from you.”

“Then let me show you,” Nie Mingjue says and he sits up straighter on the couch, his eyes never leaving Jiang Cheng. “Let me show you.”

“Show me how?” Jiang Cheng whispers, afraid where this will go, but Nie Mingjue keeps his gaze unwavering on him.

“Let me date you. Let me show you how it’s done right. Let me take care of you.”

Jiang Cheng blinks a few times, unable to comprehend the words but as soon as the meaning hits him he feels sick to his stomach.

“I hate you,” he whispers and he’s not prepared for the way Nie Mingjue’s face falls. “Why would you do that to me?” Jiang Cheng goes on, and tears flow down his face again. “Why would you—it’s all I ever—I don’t need your pity!”

Nie Mingjue works his jaw a few times, before he abruptly stands up and walks over to Jiang Cheng. Jiang Cheng takes a few shaking steps back, but Nie Mingjue is relentless in his advance and he takes Jiang Cheng into his arms before he can even think about fighting against Nie Mingjue.

“It’s not pity,” Nie Mingjue whispers into his hair. “It’s not. I love you. I’m tired of seeing you date people who don’t appreciate you, who don’t do right by you. Let me show you instead.”

Jiang Cheng is frozen in his arms, because this can’t be real, but Nie Mingjue doesn’t tell him it’s all a joke and he doesn’t pull away, either.

“You don’t want that. There’s something wrong with me,” Jiang Cheng says when Nie Mingjue doesn’t say anything else and he can feel how Nie Mingjue shakes his head.

“There is nothing wrong with you.”

“I’m unlovable,” Jiang Cheng mutters, because that’s the biggest fear he has.

That he is so horrible, so broken that he is unlovable. That no one out there will ever look at him and think ‘Yes. I love him’.

“I’m loving you just fine,” Nie Mingjue replies and it startles a laugh out of Jiang Cheng that immediately turns into sobs again.

“You can’t lie about this,” he begs Nie Mingjue, and he fists his hands into his shirt. “Mingjue, you can’t lie about this, if you do, I—” Jiang Cheng trails off here, because he can’t even imagine what it will do to him if Nie Mingjue isn’t sincere about this.

“I’m not lying. I’ve been in love with you for a while,” he gives back and Jiang Cheng ducks his head, tries to hide in Nie Mingjue’s chest.

It doesn’t sound real, because this is all Jiang Cheng ever wanted and never even dared to think about, because how could Nie Mingjue feel the same for Jiang Cheng as he does for Nie Mingjue?

“Let me show you,” Nie Mingjue whispers again and presses a kiss to Jiang Cheng’s hair.

Jiang Cheng can’t find his words anymore, and so he simply nods. It terrifies him, because if this goes wrong he’ll lose the only family he has left, but Nie Mingjue has never lied to him.

And Jiang Cheng wants to try with him.

~*~*~

Jiang Cheng thought that things would change after that, after their confessions but they don’t. He still comes into the Nie house like he always has. Nie Huaisang still greets him with a smile and a hug and enough teasing to make Jiang Cheng blush. Nie Mingjue is still Jiang Cheng’s steady rock, who easily allows him into his space.

The only thing that does change is that Nie Mingjue reaches out for him much more. Whenever Jiang Cheng is in reach of him, Nie Mingjue will take his hand, or tuck him into his side, press kisses to every part he can reach.

It makes Jiang Cheng blush but he also revels in it. None of his previous boyfriends were this demonstrative with him and it’s a nice change, Jiang Cheng has to admit it.

It still takes him an embarrassing long time to tell Nie Mingjue that he loves him, too, but Nie Mingjue doesn’t seem to be bothered by it. He reiterates again and again that Jiang Cheng is allowed to go on his own pace.

The only thing Nie Mingjue expects from him is to tell him when Jiang Cheng gets tired of him and for that, Jiang Cheng laughs right in his face.

As if he could ever get tired of Nie Mingjue. It’s much more likely to be the other way around and Jiang Cheng can’t quite stop that little lingering grain of doubt in him.

One day Nie Mingjue will wake up and realise that Jiang Cheng is not worth the trouble.

That fear stays right until Nie Mingjue asks Jiang Cheng to marry him. Jiang Cheng cannot believe that he should get this lucky, but he’s also not about to say no.

And whenever the doubt creeps in again, he smoothes his thumb over the ring on his finger and if he feels especially insecure he goes to Nie Mingjue to ask for a kiss or a hug. Nie Mingjue has never told him no and eventually Jiang Cheng believes.

It’s not him who is wrong. And Nie Mingjue loves him as he is.

Link to my ko-fi on the sidebar!

#bt writes #mingcheng #the untamed #mdzs #getting together #modern au #break up and cheating in another relationship #not between the main pair #angst #low self-esteem #hugs

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kellinrk800 · 3 years

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my thoughts on episode 11 of wonder egg priority

tw// neglect, possible abuse, murder, human experimentation

holy SHIT is there a lot to unpack.

first of all, everyone except ai and neiru have now experienced the truth of what happens when you complete the total amount of people to save. at the end of episode ten we saw momoe’s breakdown and panic’s death and at the beginning today’s episode we saw rika find out and mannen’s death. (i previously wrote that neiru and pinky had experienced it but after someone kindly let me know after a rewatch that it was in fact momoe, not neiru. sorry for the error)

however, ai is now the only one who knows about frill and what happened to her. speaking of, there are a RIDICULOUS amount of parallels between the two. i’ll be reblogging some posts that explain it a lot better than i ever could right after i post this.

what i really want to focus on is frill. despite her fairly questionable and downright evil actions, i can’t help but feel a shred of pity for her.

born out of quite literal boredom and under strict surveillance, she was almost destined to be unloved. she was not made to be a human, but simply something for acca and ura acca to love. in the way you might buy a doll for a small child. their mistake was adding such severe jealousy and stubbornness to something they had created to be perfection.

stuck at the age of 14 permanently, it’s no surprise her mental state was damaged. imagine the jealousy, the intense emotions, everything you go through at that age.

she is at least somewhat aware that she is artificial intelligence considering how open those who are around her seem to be about it. however, she does not seem to be keen on accepting it or believing it. after all, she is not programmed to. she is programmed to sense things in the way a human would. and that opens a whole world of other doors about how anyone could be an ai and not know it but i doubt wonder egg priority would get that meta this close to the end.

time to tie up all these loose ends. around midway through the episode we are introduced to a love interest (who i have forgotten the name of, apologies) who causes a split in acca and ura acca’s relationship (marriage), and she soon becomes pregnant with a child. a human child.

frill was programmed to be able to understand her parents in the way a daughter would. she begins to taunt ura acca about his husband cheating on him with the woman he loves and once she finally finds out that the baby is a girl, she decides to kill the mother.

the motivation behind frill’s mental deterioration is slowly becoming clearer and clearer. i strongly suspect that she felt she was being replaced with a human child and realised the inherent inferiority she was going to have once the child was born, and became overcome with jealousy. not only would she now have to take on the role to be a big sister (which she was not programmed to accept or do. she was programmed to be stubborn and jealous in the way a 14 year old girl would be) but she would lose the ability she had to be perceived as a human daughter by the parents who raised her.

imagine being created for the sole purpose of being the perfect daughter for somebody to love, and then being replaced. i am by no means excusing murder, but it’s hard not to see her motivation.

as punishment and as relief of acca’s grief, frill was then locked away with nothing but her ai machinery for anywhere between 12 and 15 years*.

enter himari, the child that survived despite frill’s attempt at murder of both mother and child. she is described as having “saved” ura acca and acca from their state after the mother’s murder and the abandonment of their artificial daughter. when we see her able to talk, she is shown asking ura acca to marry her once she is older to make up for the pain of the loss of her mother. she is stated as being in junior high at the time (*my timespan reasoning for the time frill was locked away). while this scene made me greatly uncomfortable, it might be to show frill’s impact and influence on himari. if they had come into contact, frill would arguably do anything in her power to gain back control of her parents.

perhaps himari asked this purposefully to anger frill, which is supported further by the fact himari was found dead (cause of death suicide) the night later.

suicide. what’s the entire theme OF the eggs? i don’t know about you but i can hear lightbulbs beginning to flicker.

ura acca and acca began research into girls suicides at that age, and found a steady surge around the same time as himari’s death.

acca and ura acca are trying to bring back himari, possibly their wife, and maybe, maybe just maybe frill as well. i think that is the real purpose of the wonder egg project.

we also finally have our answer as to why girls and boys suicides are different with wonder eggs! acca and ura acca are indeed sexists, just not about suicide.

i’ll let you do the rest of the theorising.

now for the loose ends that i don’t think can be tied up.

why are hyphen and dot named after punctuation? is their goal to bring frill back to life?

what was neiru’s family’s involvement in the wonder eggs? in fact, where is neiru?

is frill alive or dead? is there even a way to distinguish with someone in her state?

what happened to acca and ura acca to make them.. well, to make them like that? last i checked, turning into mannequins isn’t a symptom of grief. are they even alive?

MOMOE. WHERE THE FUCK IS MOMOE. GIVE ME MOMOE OR GIVE ME DEATH.

there are a shit ton of new, unspecified entities we’re learning about. what actually are hyphen and dot? are they AIs like frill? perhaps not fully formed? and thanatos and eros?

where do the girls go once they’ve been freed? is “freed” even the right term?

what did mr sawaki say to ai about koito? why did koito die? is mr sawaki going to have a bigger role than a consistently fucking annoying red herring after all?

rika’s father? why have that as a big factor in an episode conflict if it’s never going to be addressed again?

the sketchy lesbian representation compared to the consistent positive trans ftm and gay representation? why have the only canonically wlw character be a product of a harmful stereotype after treating everything else so respectfully?

and most importantly, how the FUCK is this going to get cleared up in one episode?

i don’t even think that’s possible. if it is, i’m really disappointed. after consistent excellent pacing, writing, storytelling, and everything else, cramming everything into the last couple of episodes is just cheap and annoying. if i wanted to drone on for an entire series before an explosion of poor plot points for shock factor, i’d just go watch the second season of the promised neverland (/hj).

the only somewhat reasonable explanation would be a second season, but it is a terrible media decision and i can’t imagine much, if any, good coming from it.

in conclusion, what the fuck. how the hell is this going to salvage itself in one episode?

also i wrote this entire thing while on my sleep meds. if there’s logical, grammatical, spelling or just general errors i apologise and i’ll fix them when i’m not half conscious.

#wonder egg priority #how the fuck are they going to salvage this #wonder egg priority spoilers #wep project #wep #i really don’t know how to feel about frill #wep frill #a moment of silence for mannen and panic

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cinnamoneve · 3 years

Text

𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐭𝐡.

sel-couth \ ˈsel-ˌküth \ (adj.) - strange, unusual, rare; unfamiliar; marvellous, wondrous.

❆ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: toru oikawa x fem!reader

❆ 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: slowburn, angst, pining, fluff. alcohol/intoxication. childhood friends to lovers, kinda an smau? idk. it's here and there to switch it up a bit. it’s also all lowercase LMAO

❆ 𝐰𝐜: 3.4k

❆ 𝐚/𝐧: started this series on a whim ♡ i have a lot of ideas of where i want it to go and i hope you’ll stick along for the ride. thank you for reading, i hope you enjoy ♡

𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐨𝐧𝐞 | 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐭𝐰𝐨 (𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐬𝐨𝐨𝐧)

realistically, love can find you wherever. like, on the one day you run out of your house in your pajamas just to pick up that something at the grocery store that you desperately needed. or, maybe it’s right when you need it, when you’re comfortable with loving yourself and you’re ready to share that with another soul. love’s constantly hiked up to be something dynamic, unexpected, and beautiful.

that’s not really how you ever saw it though.

in your opinion, love is stagnant, bland, and seemed to have it out for you. countless instances of unrequited love made your feelings run cold. you had seemed to run out of love quite a while ago. sometimes, in the dark of night, questions swirl around you as you’re trying to sleep the negative thoughts off.

“is it just me who’s unloveable?”

maybe i’m just using love as an excuse to distract myself. maybe focusing on another person will help me better myself.

sleep always seems to comfort you right as the negativity dam breaks and the thoughts spew. and by morning, it’s always pushed aside and forgotten. can’t remember what about love makes your blood boil, so you might as well just give up on searching for it. love is supposed to find you, right? or is that just another thing they say to make the lonely people feel less lonely?

another morning walking to school with your thoughts clouded like this. at this point, you’re practically on autopilot, walking to the station as you focus on having a mini therapy session with yourself in your mind. sounds of loafers running on the concrete snaps you out of it, and you turn around to meet your neighbor running towards you.

shit. what day was it?

“not even gonna wait for me, huh? someone’s eager to get to class today,” he says.

“sorry, oikawa, i can’t keep up with your schedule. i thought you had morning practice today!”

he slows his pace to match yours, his usual long strides cut short in an effort to not leave you behind.

“geez, we only have morning practices on tuesdays and thursdays! it’s been the same schedule for almost 3 years now, y/n”

“i know, i know, fingers crossed i get it down before we graduate,” you laugh.

“that’s not long at all!” he purposefully bumps you to the side and laughs. after a moment of silence, he wastes no time breaking it. “are you alright? you seem a little bit spacy.”

“i’m okay!” you assure him.

he tugs on the sleeve of your uniform.

“y/n. we’ve been friends for about 15 years. you think i don’t know when you’re lying to me?”

you just look up at him.

he can’t help but to crack a smile.

“you’re a horrible liar by the way,” he laughs.

“oh, give me a break,” you laugh back.

it gets quiet again. for a little too long. but this time, oikawa’s not going to break it. he did ask you a question, after all.

“I-i got turned down”

“you confessed?” he asks, voice softer.

“yeah, he just doesn’t have those same feelings for me”

“y/n, i’m really sorry”

“it’s okay! don’t say that like you pity me, ‘kawa, i’m practically already over it!”

“practically, huh?

“mmmmhm. i’m the blueprint”

“well alright miss blueprint, how about you come to mattsun’s party tonight?”

“i can’t,”

“...why not?”

“i have lots of... homework to do tonight”

“uh huh. y/n, it’s friday! we all got the day off from practice too! please just think about it, okay? i’m not gonna force you, ‘kay? but i really want you there.”

“well, when you put it like that, how could i resist?” you say, laughing. it was just a passing joke, after all.

blush creeps up on oikawa’s face and he looks in the opposite direction to hide it.

“no need to be so cruel, y/n~... just let me know by the end of the day, okay?”

“sure, i’ll let you know. pinkies!”

without sharing a glace, the two of you instinctively stick your pinkies up and lock them as if engrained in your very DNA to do so. not a word spoken, no eye contact made, and the conversation continues as you swipe in to catch your train.

the day crawls. you’re convinced time is moving against you as you count down the minutes till this class ends and the next boring one begins. as you stare blankly at the work in front of you during class, you wonder if the lie you told toru earlier was more-so to convince yourself rather than him. it wasn’t like you were totally heartbroken, no, the feeling came more in a wave of disappointment. towards yourself? towards the boy who rejected you? was it disappointment that you got shot down, or that you’d falsely gotten your hopes up?

god, your head was pounding from the mental berating.

on the break, you whip out your phone and text oikawa.

before you can type back, he playfully says “don’t bail on me!”

he knows you too well.

taking a detour on the walk home was nothing new, and truly nothing helped clear your mind better than walking through a different town and feeling like a different person. like most days, you’re alone, as your walking buddy has volleyball practice every day, and the days he doesn’t, complains about the long detour because his “legs need a break.” although he had off today, oikawa had to stay after school, because some first year wanted to confess to him when no one was in her classroom to witness it. mysterious, odd, but nothing new, and certainly not the weirdest way he’s been confessed to.

with all your strings of bad luck, you’re surprised that you’re not jealous of your childhood friend. straight A student, captain of the volleyball team, and equipped with looks to kill--everyone dotes upon oikawa like he put the sun in the sky.

and rightfully so. while putting it in the sky, it’s almost like he took a piece of it with him. one bright enough to shine on all the aspects of his life. to brighten his smile and eyes when he gets a service ace, to warm his laugh when you tell him the same joke he’s heard probably hundreds of times before, and to light up every room he goes into. he seems to just have enough to leave a little piece of that light with everyone who gets the pleasure of talking to him. no one lives in the shadows he casts.

oikawa’s much more like the sun than the being who put it up there, you think. things naturally gravitate towards him. people, good fortune, good opportunities. sometimes, you find yourself basking in the light that is toru oikawa. other days, you can only look on, squinting, hoping that its beauty doesn’t blind you.

he’s always been like this for as long as you remember. it’s hard to be jealous and mad at the person you wish the most blessings on. being his best friend is a heavy load to bear, when the facade breaks down at the end of the day, when the gentler light of the moon casts down on the earth with a certain melancholy. the sun cannot exist without the moon, like the confident, coy oikawa-san wouldn’t exist without the meticulous, insecure toru.

every so often, an eclipse brings the two together and they dance hand in hand, even if just for a moment.

secretly though, you wondered if oikawa was gonna accept the first year’s confession. not that it would matter, you’re not one to dictate feelings or certainly give advice on love, but you haven’t seen oikawa in love or in a relationship. you weren’t even sure if there was anyone that really caught his eye. rumors swirl around school of him having a girlfriend because of all the confessions he respectfully turns down, but you knew he wasn’t taken.

everytime the two of you talk about love and relationships, it’s only really your feelings. you guess you never really noticed it till now. he just usually brushes it off or changes the subject.

you decide to start heading home. the pit-like feeling in your stomach felt like excitement, but might’ve also been dread. mattsun’s parties usually go one of two ways: everything goes perfect and it’s super fun, or all hell breaks loose at once and is absolutely traumatizing. hoping for the former, but preparing for the latter was your specialty.

you got ready for the party in an empty house. your family went away for the weekend to visit family, but you were lucky enough to weasel out of it because they want you “to enjoy the last few weeks of your third year.”

after a half hour changing outfits, you finally decided on something just perfect. not too simple, not too over-the-top, and definitely ready for whatever the night throws at you.

at 7pm, nearly as the hand moves to the 12 on the clock, there’s a knock at the front door. you open the door to oikawa, who looks a little too polished for a party at mattsun’s.

“what’s with the glasses?” you ask.

“don’t they make me look cooler?”

“hm. more like a nerd i think. like, is this a party or japanese literature class?”

“always so honest, y/n.” he pouts, but takes them off and throws them inside. “ready?”

you laugh, and tousle his hair a bit to make it look a little bit more effortless. “yeah, let’s go”

mattsun greets you at the door, and hands you and oikawa a drink. iwaizumi is quick to greet the two of you, whispering something in oikawa’s ear that makes him blush and push the ace. with your mind already pretty beaten down, you decide drinking isn't in your cards tonight. luckily, for every drink you’re handed, oikawa’s right there to grab it from your hands and make sure it doesn’t go to waste.

mattsun’s party was going smoothly. almost suspiciously smoothly. honestly, nights like these make you glad you decided to come out. they make you proud that you’re able to do this for yourself, and for the people you care about. you don’t share a class with most of the third years that were there, so catching up over cheap liquor and lame drinking games while stone cold sober was free entertainment.

makki and mattsun remained the undefeated table champions of beer pong for the 4th party in a row, but everyone lost count when it was late into the night and it all starts to blend together. dancing and partying in a house with about 50 other people started to take its toll on you. you shuffle through the dancing bodies caked with sweat to make your way outside to the cool air.

sitting outside is oikawa, who is motionless as he watches the stars.

“‘kawa?”

“hm~?” he responds sluggishly.

heavy lids blink and meet yours.

“y/nnnnnn!!” he exclaims, talking slow, “where have you been?”

“i was inside dancing, are you okay?”

“yeah. i’m just- i’m just a little drunk right now”

“do you wanna go home?”

“...a little. i don’t feel well”

“okay, i’ll be right back, okay? stay here!”

“mmkay”

he goes back to looking up at the stars.

you shuffle back through the house and find mattsun, who seems totally sober, which you know is far from the truth. you yell over the blasting music that you’re taking oikawa home, and he gives you a thumbs up and motions for you to text him when you’re both safe. you nod, grab oikawa’s jacket on the couch, and head back outside.

oikawa is STILL looking at the stars. it’s very obvious he hasn’t moved since you left.

“ready to go ‘kawa?”

“mmmhm”

he slowly stands, pauses to catch his bearings, and then smiles at you as he walks towards you. the two of you walk towards the front, and he links his arm in yours. must be for added stability.

the walk home starts off quiet. the gentle rattle of crickets breaks the silence, and oikawa’s humming slowly gets more and more prominent.

he slows down.

“you okay? are we walking too fast?”

“y/n, i’m scared”

you look at him and hold onto his linked arm tightly, because you think he’s gonna start throwing up any moment.

“what are you talking about? what did you drink?”

“not that, i don’t think. just about the future”

“the future?”

“graduation is so close. i’m not exactly sure what my next move is. i know i’m still hungry for volleyball. i want to play. i want that security of knowing what comes next. i want to win again. i want to be a reliable captain again. it’s not even fully over and i’m caught up on it. i’m worried all my hard work is for nothing, and-”

“woah, oikawa, slow down. don’t to this to yourself right now. you know you’ll find a good fit. all these offers to play--one is sure to be the one right?”

the two of you sit on the sidewalk together, and he goes back to looking up at the stars. the moon is full. or so you thought. it seems a shadow is creeping up the side of it.

“what if i’m just a small fish in a big pond, y’know? what if i leave japan and i’m not ready for the change of pace and opponents?”

you pause for a moment, unsure of what to say next. you weren’t very knowledgeable in the field of volleyball. for all you knew, japan’s best volleyball players might not even hold a torch to the worst players of other countries.

“the only way to know is to go out there, yeah?”

oikawa’s eyes stay fixated on the stars. they seemed a little too wet for your liking.

“and the oikawa i know wouldn’t back down from that either. he’d put in the work to prove them wrong and then some.”

his eyes meet yours, and now you know for sure he’s crying.

the world around you gets dark. within minutes, the moon has turned into just a halo of its former self. a lunar eclipse. you can’t help but to look up in awe.

oikawa was always emotional when he had a few shots too many. it made it easy to tell how much alcohol he consumed. if he was telling everyone how much he loved them, he wasn’t too drunk. if the mask came off and he was opening up, he was very far gone.

he wipes his eyes and sniffling nose on his sleeve, too drunk to even care about the tears and snot on the cuff.

you two sit in silence as the moon slowly peeks out behind earth’s shadow.

“thanks,” he croaks out.

“what would you do without me?” you tease, elbowing him lightly.

he stares at the ground and doesn’t answer.

“do you wanna sleep by my house tonight? it’s empty,” you ask.

he nods.

you stand up and extend your hand to pull him up. upon doing so, he doesn’t let go of it. he probably just needs the comfort right now, so you don’t protest. the rest of the walk home is silent. his humming has stopped, and the crickets seem to have gone to bed. the only noise between the two of you is an occasional sniffle from oikawa.

you set oikawa up on the futon in your living room. now a little more sober, he lays flat on his back with his eyes closed as you bring him some blankets.

laying down a few inches next to him, you let out a long sigh before your curiosity gets the best of you.

“i never got to ask you, what happened with that first year today?”

“i turned her down,” he says calmly.

“hmm. oikawa-san the heartbreaker strikes again, huh?”

he hums lowly.

“no need for the name calling y/n. you’re not having much luck either in that department”

“hey!”

“just sayin’”

you pause. you’re not really sure how to word this next question without sounding judgmental.

“oikawa, why do you turn down every girl that confesses to you? are you secretly seeing some girl on the side?”

“huh? are you jealous, y/n?”

“i mean, that’s the rumor anyways, i was just wondering”

“hm. there is this one girl. we’re not dating, but i’ve liked her for years now”

“years? and oikawa-the-great hasn’t worked his charm on her?”

“believe me,” he laughs, “i’ve tried. i’m not sure if she’s deflecting it or she’s just dense,”

“oh, weird. her loss. i say just go for it head on”

you say that, but it feels insincere. for some reason, your heart hurts. you and oikawa have always been each other’s best friends. to think that there’s another girl in his life he shares his good news with, his lows, and hangs out with rubs you the wrong way. but you can’t exactly put a finger on it.

“how about you, y/n?”

��what about me? you know my story already,” you joke.

“i didn’t wanna say anything, but were you really into that last guy? i barely saw you two interact. i didn’t even know who he was.”

you look over at oikawa, and his eyes are still closed. his hands are resting blissfully on his stomach, almost like he’s a corpse.

you let out a sigh.

“i don't think i was, i think i was just convincing myself i was”

“why would you go through that effort?”

“do you ever think that you’re cursed?”

he peeks one eye open and looks at you, before closing it and looking straight up. his voice is deep, cracky, and groggy.

“can’t say i do.”

“sometimes i think i’m cursed. like i’m not allowed to be in love. and i want to be. i’ve tried so hard to manifest it, to attract it, to make myself more loveable. i just don’t know what i’m doing wrong.”

“y/n,” oikawa says, once again, not moving.

“mhm?”

“will you let me change your mind on that?”

“how do you plan on doing that?”

“by making you fall in love with me.”

wait. what? you giggle to mask your nervousness, but that only makes it more obvious.

“is the toru oikawa flirting with me right now”

he turns to look at you.

“god, y/n, you’re really dense, aren’t you?”

you stare back for what seems like ages.

he rolls his eyes and flips over.

“goodnight, y/n~”

“i-goodnight oikawa”

“you should call me toru every now and then” he mumbles.

you don’t even make it back up to your bed. you and oikawa lay on the futon together, but in separate worlds. growing more sober by the minute, oikawa begins to overthink and regret everything he said and did. he can’t decide whether he wants to flip over and apologize, or ask you to be his girlfriend right then and there.

you, on the other hand, were finally free of a night with negative thoughts. yes, your head was swirling, but in a new way. it felt like your piece had been found, and this had been what you were looking for. did oikawa just confess? why are you secretly elated about this? how long have you been repressing these feelings? how long has he been repressing these feelings?

god, you wanna flip over and ask him all these questions, and answer him right now.

slowly, you turn your body to meet his back. looking at him in this light feels so weird, but even the way his back muscles were stretched, and the way his hair curled so lightly at the ends made your heart clench.

wait. that’s not a new feeling. in fact, you know this feeling all too well. and it makes you excited, but fearful.

oikawa begins to shuffle, and you can tell he’s finally asleep now. you suppose your questions (and answer) can wait until morning. unsure of these resurfaced feelings, you begin to drift off to sleep, eager for the sun to once again warm you.

all content © cinnamoneve 2021. do not repost, modify, steal, or copy without permission.

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imyourbuddie · 3 years

Text

Don't Be A Part Of His (4x05 Coda)

SPOILER FOR SEASON 4 EPISODE 5 “BUCK BEGINS”

Eddie promised himself if he ever met Buck’s parents that he’d act civil. Not for their sake, fuck no, but for Buck’s. Because after all this time, after everything they did and didn’t do, Buck still somehow needs their approval. He doesn’t say it, and that time when Eddie asked him about it, he outright denied it, but it’s in the way his voice quivers when he talks about them. In the way his eyes light up with hope at the mention of them. In the way his larger-than-life self folds in on itself after the last disastrous dinner he had with them.

No, Eddie promised himself that he’d be civil because that’s what Buck would want. Because Eddie Diaz is a lot of things, but a boyfriend who ignores his partner’s wishes? He’s not that guy anymore. He imagined this very moment so many times in his head. Imagined himself walking up to the Buckley parents and extending his hand, smiling, and introducing himself as whatever Buck wants him to be, then walking away.

That, needless to say, did not happen.

Seeing them sitting there, all prim and proper, it pisses Eddie off. That’s not to say he doesn’t feel sorry for them. He doesn’t know what he’d do if he lost Chris, and he’s no stranger to the countless nights of heartache and panic and guilt and imagining every what-if scenario that could have given Chris a different life. A better one. But the pain of losing a child is no excuse to neglect their other children, no excuse to make Maddie a mom instead of a sister, and definitely not a good enough reason to make Buck feel so goddamn unwanted.

If there’s one thing he learned since having Chris, it’s that nothing in his life, no amount of pain and anguish will ever be reason enough for his son to feel unloved. To feel like the only way he can get any attention is by throwing himself off a bike or into oncoming traffic.

Rage thrums under Eddie’s skin, scorching and freezing at the same time, and he clenches his fists as he glares at the Buckleys from across the firehouse. They fucked up. They made Buck feel unwanted, unloved, undeserving, and now they sit there expecting what? To take credit for how well Buck turned out anyway? For him becoming a goddamn walking superhero who saves lives every goddamn day?

No. No fucking way. Not if Eddie has any say in the matter.

He waits until Hen says her piece to them with a smile on her face that doesn't reach her eyes, then heads toward the kitchen table where Buck’s parents are seated. Hen tries to catch his eyes as she passes him, but he ignores her. She’s not the one holding Buck at night as he sobs himself to sleep. She’s not the one whispering encouraging endearments that fall on deaf ears. She’s not the one left picking up the pieces after every Buckley family dinner. She doesn’t get it, no one does, and Eddie’s done feeling helpless.

He’s too fucking pissed off.

Eddie stops on the other side of the table, body rigid with angry words on the tip of his tongue. He opens his mouth just as Buck’s mom turns and looks up at him, and for a startling moment, it’s as if he’s staring into Buck’s eyes. His mouth dries, his words stuck in his throat like claws, and the silence surrounding them is suffocating.

“Hi, um,” Buck’s dad starts tentatively. “We’re Evan Buckley’s parents—”

“I know,” he spits, his voice harsh, and he inhales sharply. They blink owlishly at him, obviously confused by his hostility, and Eddie lets out a slow sigh and inhales again, this time slowly. “I know who you are.”

His mother looks to her husband then back at Eddie, a quivering smile on her lips. “Can we help you?”

Eddie stands frozen as he stares at the man and woman who claim to be Buck’s parents. Who should be the two people in the world who love him unconditionally. Who should be there for him, and he’s at a loss for words. All that anger and resentment and betrayal all congregate into one single emotion: pity.

He pities these two people who don’t even know what they’ve missed. Who have no idea just what an amazing, self-sacrificing person their son is. He pities their ignorance, and he pities their grief-driven blinders. He pities them for missing out on so much of their children’s lives that they hardly know them or the hardship they went through to be here today.

Something inside him gives, and tension bleeds from him as he exhales. “I just want you guys to know what an amazing person Buck is.”

“We know—”

“No,” Eddie takes a step forward and clenches his fists by his side. “No, you don’t. How could you? You haven’t been around to see it.”

Guilt flashes in Mrs. Buckley’s eyes, and Eddie’s heart aches for her. How would he feel if someone said that to him? Hell, he missed the first years of Chris’ life because he was a coward, but he’s making amends now, and it’s time they did too.

“Maybe to you, he was supposed to be some miracle baby that can save your other child. But to the rest of us, he’s way more than that.” Eddie takes a deep breath and swallows, willing his voice to stay steady. “That man, your son, is the first guy to run into a burning building. The first one to jump in a car about to explode. He’s the first one to take the most risks, and he’s the last one to give up on any of us or on the people he swore to protect. Everyone here trusts him with their lives. I trust him with—” The lump in his throat is harder to swallow around, and he takes a second to compose himself. “I trust him with my son. Because he’s a good man and loyal to a fucking fault and he’s got the biggest heart and I won’t allow anyone, anyone, to ever hurt him the way you’ve hurt him.”

Eddie bites the inside of his cheek to keep his tears from spilling, because there’s no way in hell he’ll cry in front of these people. No way in hell he’ll let them know just how much their being here hurts Buck, and in turn how much that hurts him. He won’t give them the satisfaction.

The silence that follows rings in his ears. It’s deafening. The Buckley’s blink at him as if seeing him for the first time, and Mrs. Buckley clutches at her husband’s hand, her knuckles white.

“From one parent to another,” Eddie continues. “It’s never too late to make amends. And it doesn’t matter what you went through, how much pain you had to endure, how much heartache, Buck’s innocent in all this. He’s got no part in your grief, so don’t be a part of his.”

Eddie turns and swallows as the first tear spills down his cheek. Fuck. He wipes at it angrily, but when he makes to walk away, a soft touch to his elbow stops him. He turns and finds Mrs. Buckley standing behind him, tears swimming in her big blue eyes. Buck’s eyes.

“You’re—you’re absolutely right.” Her smile is watery and there is genuine remorse and sadness in her expression. “Thank you for loving him.”

Eddie wants to reply, but there’s nothing more to say. The rest isn’t up to him. He already said too much, and if Buck doesn’t kill him for antagonizing his parents, well, that’s a win in Eddie’s book. He nods at her then at Buck’s dad before taking his leave, and with every step he takes, his heart feels a little lighter. Maybe Buck will kill him, but someone needs to set Buck’s parents straight, and who else better to do that than Buck’s stupid dumb ass boyfriend?

His lips twitch, and he can’t help the self-deprecating humour no matter how many times Buck tells him to stop. That twitch of his lips turns into a full smile, and Eddie chuckles and shakes his head as he makes his way to the engine bay. They’re both hopeless, as Hen likes to remind them. Maybe they really are meant for each other.

Bobby pulls into the engine bay just as he steps outside, and Eddie’s heart skips a beat like it always does when he lays eyes on Buck. Since the first day and everyday after that.

“Clean bill of health from the docs,” Bobby calls as he hurries inside the station, a smirk and a knowing look in his eyes, and Eddie wants to hug him and punch him at the same time.

“Glad to hear it,” he replies, tucking his hands into his pockets, and turns his attention to his second favourite person in the world. “Show off,” he says affectionately, and he knows what Buck’s going to say before he even says it.

“Had to do it.”

And that is why Eddie loves him.

#buddie #buck x eddie #9-1-1 spoilers #4x05 spoilers #buck begins #buck begins coda #4x05 coda #eddie speaks his mind #protective eddie #My writing

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athenamikaelson · 4 years

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Hey can u do a Elijah mikaelson x reader where he cheats on her with hayley more than one time and the mikaelson family knew expect kol and davina because she’s their best friend. Reader is hurt and angry and her and Hayley fights Elijah defend Hayley. Reader leaves New Orleans but comes back when kol ask for help. Elijah sees her and he feels guilt and tries to win her back. ( can u make the reader an ex assassin a deadly one two )

Elijah Mikaelson x Reader

Request- Hey can u do a Elijah mikaelson x reader where he cheats on her with hayley more than one time and the mikaelson family knows expect kol and davina because she’s their best friend. Reader is hurt and angry and her and Hayley fight. Elijah defends Hayley. Reader leaves New Orleans but comes back when Kol asks for help. Elijah sees her and he feels guilt and tries to win her back. ( can u make the reader an ex assassin a deadly one two )

Warnings- Swearing, cheating, bitchy Hayley, angst, reader getting hurt

Word Count- 1711

“You know you have to tell her Elijah. You can’t keep this a secret from Y/n forever. She’s been one of my closest friends for 4 years. I’ve watched you fall in and out of love with y/n, and then you fall for Hayley all in that time. It isn’t fair.” Rebekah says to Elijah as he closes the door to Haley’s room. Elijah turns around and goes to pass Rebekah. Rebekah’s hand grasps onto his arm before he can fully pass her, but is shrugged away by him.

“You don’t think I know that sister. Of course I feel horrible for what I’m doing to Y/n. I’ve loved her for four years.But-”

“But what brother, you say you’ve been in love with her for all these years but you still do this to her. Some man of your word you are.” Rebekah walks to the end of the hallway before turning around.

“You have until the end of the week, or I tell her myself. And when she finds out Hayley better not be anywhere around because I know not even a hybrid coils stand a fight with Y/n.”

I walk into the living quarters of the Mikaelson compound, Davina and Kol by my side.

“Well all I’m saying girls is that those shoes definitely don’t match her eyes.” Kol says, throwing his hands into the air.

“Well thank you love, but she still bought the shoes. Right y/n?.” Davina looks in my direction but is met with a blank stare. “Y/n?”

I shake my head getting me out of my thoughts, “Sorry. Ya. Shoes and all that right.”

“Y/n, are you ok?” Davina and Kol share a look, before returning their eyes to me. I run my hands over my face before facing them again.

“Have you talked to Elijah lately? It seems like everytime I try to talk to him, he always finds an excuse to leave.” Kol and Davina both shake their heads.

“Well I’m sure it’s nothing, my dear brother has always been a stick in the mud.” Kol smirks, but quickly stops when he sees my unimpressed face.

“Well um, here comes my bastard brother, maybe he knows.” I look over to the stairway where Klaus is descending while holding Hope in his arms.

“Brother have you happened to know what the bloody hell is up Elijah’s ass lately and why he’s treating my best friend like shit?”

Klaus’s eyes quickly meet mine and flash with what appears to be pity, or regret. But he quickly shakes his head and starts to walk into the kitchen. I’m definitely not dealing with this shit today.

“Niklaus Mikaelson you best as hell tell me what in the world is going on. I’ve seen the looks from you and Rebekah. The side eyes and the looks of pity. What the hell is going on.” Klaus doesn’t meet my eyes, “Please Nik. It’s killing me.”

“I promised Elijah I wouldn’t tell you. But, I can’t do this to you anymore. Go to his room.”

Klaus looks towards Elijah’s room. I don’t spare a second before I run up to his room stopping at the door. Standing there for a second I decide if barging in is a bad idea, until I hear giggling from what appears to be a woman. I slam open the door to see Elijah sitting up against his head board holding a woman. His hands brushing through her hair. Something he used to do to me. I make eye contact with Elijah who has stopped touching the other woman, and just stares at me. Not with pity, but with the look of a child who just got scolded by their mother. The woman quickly turns around and faces me. The woman who I would ask Elijah time and time again if he felt anything for her. God, how stupid I was. I saw the looks. Of course out of all the people he had to fuck behind my back, it had to be her. Hayley.

Elijah goes to stand up but I’ve already made my way through the door. I practically run down the stairs into the living space. Kol and Davina’s questions and yells are thrown towards me but I block them out. I’m about to make it outside before he speeds in front of me.

“Y/n please wait. Let me explain.” Elijah looks at me with such a sad look. That would make me feel for him, if he wasn’t such a two-timing whore.

“Explain what Elijah? That you’re a two-timing whore, slutting it up with another whore.” I throw my fist into Elijah’s nose, the crack loud enough that even a vampire wouldn’t need their hearing to hear it.

“Oh shit.” Kol yells from behind us. “Shut it Kol.” Davina throws back.

“I know you didn’t just call me a whore.” Jesus Christ.

I spin around to find Hayley standing there. All in her glory. Messy sex hair and a smirk on her face. I turn back around knowing that at least I’ll be the bigger person.

“Aw, well Y/n. It’s not his fault you became unlovable. I mean who’d want someone who can’t even go through a conversation without punching someone in the face.” Hayley’s snarking voice cuts through.

I whip around to see her staring at me with a smirk. Oh this bitch. I start to run at her with my hand on the knife I keep hidden under my shirt. Hayley starts to back away before Elijah steps in front of her, pushing me back. With the impact of his shove I land on my ass. Tears well up in my eyes as I look up to him. Elijah’s face covered in regret. I can see Davina holding back Kol from attacking Elijah out of the corner of my eye. And Nik holding Hope’s head towards his shoulder blocking her from the mayhem that’s happening in front of her.

Elijah goes to reach for me but I back away. Wiping the tears from my eyes. “So that’s how it is. You’d hurt me to protect her.” Elijah lowers his head. “I guess that’s my answer then.”

I stand up and walk out. Davina and Kol trailing behind me.

2 Years Later…

Music and laughter fills my ears as I swing along with a random group of people in the little irish pub I’m in. My laughter is drowned out by my phone buzzing in my pocket. I walk away from the group which gets me a bunch of boos. I laugh to myself as I press the answer button.

“Hello, Y/n here having the time of her life. And you’re messing it up. This better be good.”

“Y/n?,” Davina’s voice sobers me up, “I need your help.”

“I’m on my way.”

As I walk into the place I used to call home the memories of the last time I was here come back to me. My yelling, Hope’s crying, Elijah’s looks of disdain.

“Y/n?” Davina’s voice breaks me away from my thoughts. Before I can process anything she pulls me into a hug. I look into her eyes to see them welling up with tears. “I missed you too, D.”

“Is that who I think it is! Bloody hell!” Kol’s much more aggravating voice cuts through before I fell another pair of arms surround me.

“Group hug. Yay. I missed you too Kol. Now let go.” Kol and Davina’s arms reluctantly unloosen around me.

“Now, as much as I love you both and am enjoying this little reunion. What is the little problem you need help with?”

Davina and Kol bring me into a room where the rest of the Mikaelson’s are sitting. Most annoyingly Elijah. He looks at me trying to catch his eye, but I’m not going to give him the satisfaction. Hope is also there who seems to find me very interesting, coming over to me and trying to braid my hair after I sit down.

After what seemed like hours of avoiding staring at Elijah, they all finally tell me what the problem is and what they need me to do.

“Alright let’s get this done with.”

Stretching my neck I walk back into the compound with Kol by my side. “Ya, that definitely reminded me why I hate witches,” I look at Davina, “no offence.” She just shrugs with a look of understanding.

“Well, as much as this has been fun. There’s a little pub in Ireland calling my name. Goodbye Mikaelsons. Kol, Davina I’ll talk to you two later.” Nodding my head I grabbed my bag from the chair I placed it in before we went to fight the witches. Walking towards the door I’m stopped by him. Flashbacks from that day come back making me flinch away from him.

“Y/n can we please talk?” Elijah looks at me earnestly.

“Let me guess you and Hayley didn’t work out?” Elijah shakes his head, “She married another wolf.” I laugh in his face. Good. He needs to know the pain he caused me.

“Please Y/n. I know I messed up. After you left, I was miserable without you. I still am. I realized how much of a monster I had been to you. You never deserved to have been treated like that by me. I’m sorry. If you’d just give me another-” “Don’t,”

“Oh you poor baby. You caused the problem. You slept with her. And I’m supposed to feel sorry for you! You have no idea how many nights I stayed up crying myself to sleep asing myself why wasn’t I good enough? It took me months, Elijah, to finally find an answer. DO you know what that answer is? The answer was never that I wasn’t good enough, the answer was the you weren’t man enough to tell me that you couldn’t love me as much as you desired her. And as soon as I realized that everything changed. I’m living my life now. Not confined to the haunting life of the girlfriend of one of the Mikaelson brothers. I’m free.”

Elijah stares at me, tears falling from his eyes as I walk past him.

“Goodbye Elijah.”

#klaus mikaleson imagine #klaus x reader #klaus mikaelson #stefan x elena #Kol mikaelson #elena gilbert #elijah mikaelson imagine #elijah mikaelson #the vampire diaries #Author #the originals #thecwshows #the vampire diares imagine #athenamikaelson #kol mikaelson imagine #kol mikaelson icons #kol mikaelson x reader

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flowesona · 4 years

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catnip - yandere! hybrid yoongi x reader

“Just stay here for me, okay Yoongi?” The hybrid nodded, even if he was still shivering slightly. He’d freaked out seeing where they were parked, crying about her adopting someone else.

His emotional reaction had tugged at (Y/N)’s heartstrings to no end. She was starting to second guess her decision, but it was the right thing to do.

“Be back soon.” Yoongi nodded, still sniffling slightly as he curled up in the car seat, letting her climb out and close the door gently behind her.

The shelter still smelt strongly of disinfectant. He’d complained about the smell one night to her, humming about how glad he was he would never have to spend another night there. The thought of him finding out how he was wrong was heartbreaking, yet (Y/N) pushed on, right up to the reception desk where the same kind faced volunteer was typing away.

“Hi?” She spoke up timidly. The young woman glanced up, beaming.

“Ah, Miss (L/N)! Just in time! I was going to call you to ask how you two were getting along. Is Yoongi settling in alright?”

“Well, that’s the thing. Yoongi doesn't seem to be very… comfortable.” (Y/N) posited, fidgeting slightly. “He got in a fight with one of the neighbour’s hybrids about a week ago. Left him quite injured. And I don’t want to risk such an incident recurring.”

That was the best way to describe the incident. She’d left Yoongi with her neighbour’s fellow cat hybrid whilst she had a cup of coffee and a catch up with him, only to hear a loud ruckus a few minutes later and discover the two in a serious scuffle, both ending up with serious scratches on their arms. When she’d taken Yoongi home, apologising to her neighbour profusely all the while, she interrogated him on why he did it, only to have her reprimands shrugged off as Yoongi chose instead to weep about how he felt so lonely whenever she wasn’t in the room.

That’s not to say that Yoongi was a demonic hybrid. Compared to the horror stories she’d heard from her friends about hybrids attacking their owners or destroying their homes, Yoongi was practically a saint. He provided pleasant company, always happy to curl up with her as she talked about her day or laying his head on her lap so that she would scratch behind his ears in a way that made him practically purr in delight. But the bad moments stood out more than the positive ones, and (Y/N) wasn’t sure she could cope with the irregularity of his moods.

All in all, he was nearly the perfect companion. But she didn’t want to give up her friendship with her neighbour, and the fear that she couldn’t provide enough emotional support was pushing her to help him find a new owner.

“Really? He never showed that kind of behaviour with his previous family. Are you sure it wasn’t just a simple disagreement that escalated on both sides?” The receptionist frowned, her hand resting on the computer mouse.

“There was another occasion. He attacked a human yesterday. My brother.”

Like the last time, she had no idea what happened. Her brother had just dropped by to greet her as he was in town, but when she’d gone to get him a glass of water, she heard them talking. All of a sudden she heard a yelp, as if someone was in pain, and when she returned her brother was halfway out the door.

“Get that mutt of yours put down. He’s no good.” Was all he said before slamming the door in her face. She’d tried to pry what happened out of Yoongi, but once again he cried to her about being unloved. Rather than feeling pity for his feelings, she felt irritated beyond all else that he was refusing to take the blame for wounding her brother.

Ultimately, to (Y/N) blood was thicker than water, which led her to the adoption center to see about relocating Yoongi.

“I see. We’ll have him assessed to see if he’s a threat to any other humans, and I’m very sorry that happened to your family. Did you bring him here with you?” The receptionist finally started to tap away at her computer, leaving (Y/N) with a bittersweet feeling.

“Yes. He’s in the car.”

“Okay. If you want to say goodbye and bring him in here? And if you ever miss him you can always call us and we’ll tell you how he’s doing.” The young woman gave (Y/N) a kind smile.

Each step felt like she was wading through glue. She was scared about what would happen, about how Yoongi would feel. No doubt, he wouldn’t react well to the news considering how just being in the area of his old accommodation was enough to trigger a meltdown.

“Yoongi? How are you feeling?” She slid into the driver's seat. He lifted his head briefly to meet her eyes.

“Who were you talking to?” He asked, cocking his head to one side. A seemingly innocent question sent shivers down her spine, though she wasn’t sure why. Yoongi was good, he just didn’t get along with the people around her right?

“There’s someone who wants to check up on you. You need to come inside the building with me, okay?” The little white lie hurt to say, as she held out her hand for him to take. Yoongi looked apprehensive, but when she gave him a nod of encouragement he reached out to take it.

She would miss the way his warm hand felt curled around hers. Especially when, late into the evenings when he thought she was asleep, he’d snuggle his cheek into her hand for comfort, falling asleep quickly in her hold.

Yoongi was becoming more tense as they entered, wincing at the strong smell and pressing his face into her shoulder, as he’d done a few times when there was strong thunder and lightning.

She made eye contact with the receptionist, to let her know she should get a keeper to help take him away.

“Yoongi, you’re a very good boy aren’t you?” She said softly, feeling him nod as he stayed clung to her back.

“The people here are going to take good care of you, aren’t they? I want you to stay strong for me.”

He froze.

“What do you mean? (Y/N), you’ll stay with me whilst they help me right?” Yoongi’s breathing was getting heavier, his eyes widening in terror.

(Y/N) didn’t reply, wanting nothing more than to keep lying but not having the guts to do so.

“I don’t want to stay here. Please, can’t we go home? I’m a good boy, I swear!” It was just as bad as she expected. Luckily, two of the keepers had arrived just in time.

The second Yoongi was separated from (Y/N) by another human, he became fully hysterical.

“Let go of me! No! Don’t you dare take me away from her!” He cried out, thrashing against the hold of the keepers.

“He’ll be absolutely fine, Miss. No need to worry.” One of the keepers panted, trying their best to keep the now feral Yoongi, who was hissing and scratching at them.

(Y/N) turned her back on the chaos, trying not to feel guilty as she heard the cries grow fainter and fainter.

◦◦,`°.✽✦✽.◦.✽✦✽.°`,◦◦

By the position of the moon in the night sky, Yoongi could tell it had hit midnight. He’d spent the afternoon and most of the evening pacing his room, with the same old white walls and tiny window. He’d tried to break the glass, but his hands were no match for the triple glazed glass.

But the heartache he felt from losing (Y/N) was worse than any pain some bruised knuckles could cause. He’d been scared that he was pushing it. The first few times that he played the victim after lashing out, she seemed to forgive him. But it was her brother that had been the straw that broke the camel’s back - all Yoongi had done was try to suggest that her brother shouldn’t return to their apartment as he clearly wasn’t needed, and (Y/N)’s sibling had been completely unreasonable in rejecting the idea. But when he’d tried gaining her sympathy after the matter, she evidently didn’t believe him, thus he was dumped.

Even if he’d initially been angry at (Y/N) for leaving him, that emotion didn’t stick around for long. The sick “love” he’d developed for her triumphed anything she could ever do. He had to be by her side, to protect her from any man that might try to corrupt her - that was his new purpose in life, and there was no way he could let the pound keep him from that.

With newfound will, he slammed his body into the door of his room. The lock rattled, but didn’t budge. He slammed into it again, and then a final time to see the bolt shattering.

Yoongi didn’t even wait to catch his breath, hurrying through the halls with nimble feet and light breath. Even in his tantrum earlier he’d been taking in the layout of the building, so he could find his way back.

Fortunately, this paid off as he was able to get to the reception, meaning he was so close he could practically feel the warmth of (Y/N)’s bed again. Unfortunately, he was not alone. There was a security guard at the reception desk, yawning and sipping a piping cup of coffee. When he saw the escaping hybrid he reached for something on his belt only for Yoongi to pounce first, knocking him to the ground. The frustration inside Yoongi built up, this man being the sole obstacle in his journey to find (Y/N), and before he knew quite what he was doing his sharp fingernails had tore the guard’s throat out, leaving him to choke on his own blood.

Seeing the pathetic human reaching for a phone, presumably to call the other security guard for help, Yoongi snatched it far out of reach and crushed the guard’s hand underneath his foot with a satisfying crunch. As a final gesture Yoongi spat on him, smirked, and snatched up the keys.

Once he was outside, locking the door behind him, Yoongi was elated. He just had to find a way back to his home, and even if his head was too messed up to think of the directions, his heart could guide the way. Navigating the dark city streets, ducking into corners when he saw people knowing that he could be busted at any second, all whilst racking his brains for the directions to the apartment. If only he’d left the comfort of home more often, he wouldn’t be in such a tough situation.

Finally, he started to recognise the area he was in. Even better, he was starting to pick up her scent, until finally he found himself outside of their apartment block.

He knew where he was now, and he couldn’t help but to dash up the stairs, not caring about the noise, until he found her apartment. There, after trying the doorknob only to find it locked, he rapped on the door continuously, until finally it opened for him.

He launched himself into (Y/N)’s arms upon seeing her, leading to her stumbling back in shock and ending up on the floor. Yoongi just laughed in delight.

“I’ve missed you so much, (Y/N). Never let them take me like that again, okay?”

#yandere bts #yandere kpop #yandere yoongi #yandere suga #yandere bts x reader #kpop yandere #yandere oneshot #yandere yoongi x reader #yandere suga x reader #bts suga #min yoongi #yoongi x reader

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dreamer213 · 3 years

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Broken Machines: Lights The Dark

Chapter 8: The Charming Things You Say

Penny was feeling uneasy as she finished up her patrol and began her walk to the station. She had brought up what had happened at the end of her lesson to her dad during dinner that night and expressed her confusion with Whitley’s shift in tone. Once she repeated what she’d said about Weiss and Winter her dad told her that she may have unknowingly brought up some bad feelings for him. When Penny questioned how she had done so Pietro just said “ Well how would you feel if you spoke to one of my colleagues and they only know you were my child but because they found out on their own and not because I told them?”. She thought about it a moment and the idea that her own dad, her only family, would not speak about her to his colleagues made her feel so sad and unloved. He then asked her how she thinks Whitley must have felt actually hearing that and she’s felt absolutely horrible ever since. How could she not have notice how cruel her statements had been. Before she had just thought it was odd that she had never heard about him but after seeing his reaction and her dad’s explanation the truth of the situation was all too obvious.

She was still thinking about during the train ride and in the car on her way to the manor. By the time she was at the main entrance and being lead to a lounge room by a maid, Yuko, she gone over dozens of possible apologizes in her head, trying to come up with something to convey how sorry she was about her callous words. She was determined to make things right but she just couldn’t find the right words to say for something like this. She’s still contemplating when she enters the lounge room where Whitley was sitting on the sofa, waiting for her.

Whitley: Good afternoon Ms. Polendina.

Penny: Good afternoon.

There tense in the air as Penny takes a seat at the other end of the sofa, placing her belongings down by her feet, and pulling out the notepad and pen.

Whitley: Ready to continue from yesterday’s session?

Penny: Yes.

Whitley: Alright then, Rule Number 6, when confronted with someone who’s been continuously rude towards you walk away towards the nearest group of people socializing. If the person persist when they get close question them on why they’re following you and polity ask them to stop. Do this loudly enough that people around you hear. Don’t shout, speak clearly, keep your pitch at a normal range but increase your volume. The negative attention the statement will draw towards them should be enough to get them to walk away. Rule Number 7, never interrupt someone, especially when in a group conversation, wait until they’ve completely finished their story or statement then chime in at the first opportunity. Rule Number 8, take a few breaks during longer events like galas or evening parties. If you chat for too long you’ll seem like a gossiper or just plain nosey. Granted there are people known for that sort of behavior in high society but they’re usually more infamous then famous for it. Now this last rule is of a topic of its own all will most likely take up the rest of-

Suddenly Whitley’s scroll rings. He pulls it out and looks at caller id, it’s Octavia.

Whitley: Excuse me for a moment, I have to take this.

He gets and walk out of the room leaving Penny and Yuko alone. Penny looks around and tweedles her fingers still thinking about how to go about apologizing as Yuko watches over her.

Yuko: Would you like to watch some television while you wait for The Young Master to return?

Penny: Hmm, oh no thank you I’m fine.

Yuko: Then would you like some refreshments? Perhaps some tea and cookies?

Penny: No I don’t need anything but thank you for offering Yuko.

Yuko: Of course Ms. Polendina, please let me know if there’s anything I can do for you.

Penny thinks for a moment, Yuko was one of the manor maids and had probably work at the manor for some time if she was assigned to watch over a session. So maybe she knew more about the situation with the siblings and could help her try and fix her mistake.

Penny: Actually, there is something I’d like to ask you.

Yuko: Yes?

Penny: How long have you work at the manor?

Yuko: Five years and seven months. Why do you ask?

Penny: I just wanted to know if you knew anything about the relationship between Whitley, Weiss, and Winter.

Yuko’s eyes go wide for a moment, she hangs her head and takes a few deep breaths before answering.

Yuko: That is a very Very touchy subject, so much so that the Master has forbidden the staff to even mention his daughters’ names unprompted, less they be fired immediately.

Penny: And Whitley?

Yuko: As far as I know Young Master and his elder sisters have never been close. Though he doesn’t share the Master’s visceral reaction to the mention of them, it is still a very uncomfortable subject for him.

Penny: Oh..oh no.

Penny puts her hands in her face and her head in her lap. The situation was far worse than she thought, things were so bad between them that their own father didn’t even want to hear their names anymore. And she had brought it up the first week of her etiquette lessons. As if this weren’t already painful enough.

Yuko: Ms. Polendina? Are you feeling unwell?

Penny: I mentioned it. To Whitley yesterday I thought it was just something she didn’t tell me because we don’t talk to each other much. I didn’t know it was this…this…I feel so mean.

Yuko: (Sighs) Please calm down Ms. Polendina, while it was not wise to say anything about them Young Master is quite forgiving. He’s not the type of person to hold an innocent mistake against someone.

Penny: That’s good because I want to apologize but I don’t know if-

Yuko: Then apologize the next chance you get. Waiting and acting pitiful does nothing to fix the situation so don’t delay it.

Penny pulls her head back up and smiles at Yuko.

Penny: I’ll be sure to apologize before I leave today. Thank you for your help Yuko.

Yuko: Of course Ms. Polendina, I am here to serve.

At that moment the door opens again and Whitley walks back in. He still has his scroll out as he walks directly to Penny. He stops in front of her, a small smirk planted on his face.

Whitley: I have some good news for you Ms. Polendina. I just go off a call with Octavia Foxglove, the daughter of one of your suspects. And she’s agreed to have you at her monthly tea party in a couple weeks.

Penny: Really?! That’s amazing! I’ve only been taking lessons here for a three days and you’ve already found an event with someone so close to a suspect so quickly!

Whitley: Well it’s not a hard task when you have connections with every important person, family, or business in the range. But back to the topic at hand I’ll be sending you some details on the party and your target after our lesson but before we can continue Octavia wants a picture of you in advance. She likes to have custom table settings made for each guest with their face printed on the placement cards. And since she’s not a very patient person we need to send it as soon as possible. Now stand up.

Penny obliges and gets up from her seat, while Whitley takes a few steps back and opens the camera app on his scroll. He points the camera at her face while Penny stands at attention, hands behind her back, and smile on her face. After a few quick snaps the picture is taken but as Whitley inspects it he finds it to be very unsatisfactory. While the picture is clear and Penny’s face is in full focus the wall of the lounge room had been so dark that it made everything look desaturated.

Whitley: This won’t do, the walls are far too dark. It’s draining all the color out of the photo.

Penny: Really?

Whitley turns his scroll around to show her the front screen. Penny eyes widened at the sight, though she rarely saw or took pictures of herself Penny could still tell something was off about it. The walls had indeed made everything look much darker, the worse of it being around every piece of black on her body. It was a half body pic so her bow, collar, and the top of her waist were all blending into the background with little bit of the surrounding green, white, and gold of the rest of her outfit peeking through.

Penny: This does look very bad, how do we fix it?

Whitley: We just need better lighting. let’s go the ballroom, if the currents are drawn it should be nice and bright right now.

Yuko already has the door open while Whitley walks towards it, Penny follows behind him and all three leave the lounge. They make their way to the ballroom where sure enough the currents have been drawn however it’s the mid afternoon and the marble floors seem to have just been cleaned and the white pillars waxed. With the sunlight beaming through the windows, shining on clean floor and off the pillars, the room has become very very-

Penny: Bright!

Penny, Whitley, and Yuko cover their eyes shielding their eyes from blinding light bouncing off the freshly clean surfaces.

Whitley: So it’s fairly obvious that we can’t possibly take a picture in here!

Penny: Yes, the camera lens won’t be able to pick up anything with this much light.

Yuko: Then may I suggest we go somewhere less blinding!

Yuko grabs them by an arm each and rush them out of the ballroom. Soon their back in the main hall and begin searching for a better location. They are headed towards the music room where they run into Mary and Sue standing outside the door, Sue spots them first.

Sue: Good afternoon Young Master.

Mary: Good afternoon Young Master and Ms. Polendina, is there something you need from us?

Whitley: Hello Sue, Mary, we’re passing through to use the music room for a moment then we’ll be on our way.

The moment Whitley utters the words “music room” Mary and Sue share a worried look, Sue starts nervously tap her foot and Mary rubs her temples before they turn back to trio.

Sue: I’m sorry Young Master but we can’t allow you to do that.

Whitley: And why is that?

Sue lets out a nervous chuckle then elbows Mary in the arm. She turns and looks at her pleadingly and Mary decides to give in and do the talking for her.

Mary: There’s been a several accidents throughout the manor today. This morning while cleaning the music room someone waxed the floor while others were still working and a maid tripped while carrying a number of different cleaning liquids spilled onto the instruments and the chemical reaction of the now mixed cleaners caused some damage. The repairs being done so no one can enter the room for now.

Whitley: (Sighs) I see, and the others?

Mary: Some equipment in the dance studio had a short and caused a small electrical fire and Mistress fell ill in one of the libraries after brunch.

Whitley: Meaning you couldn’t get her to eat enough food with her wine this morning and she projectile vomited again. Wonderful. That’s truly unfortunate.

Sue: B-but if there’s anything else you need we’re here to hell however we can do to.

Whitley: It’s fine we just trying to find a good location to take a photo, we look elsewhere.

Sue: A photo of what?

Penny: One of me.

Sue: Oooh.

Sue walks up to Penny, hands crossed behind her back, and pushes her face close to Penny’s. Sue circles around the redhead and looks her over. Once she’s done she returns to Mary with a smug smile on her face.

Sue: With her complexion and colors, she’ll look best in natural light with floral/woodland backgrounds.

Sue makes the camera sign with her index and thumbs in front of her right eye.

Sue: Though city night skylines could work to if the lightings right. But since we probably can’t wait for sunset there’s the only one place in the manor that could work with her looks and that’s the garden. With today’s good weather and the right angle, light, and posing, the green and white of her clothing could look very warm and calming plus the sun on her face could really make that red hair look radiant and her eyes pop on camera.

Everyone but Penny stands in stunned silence and looks at Sue, confused by her sudden musings.

Sue: I’m a photography major.

Whitley: I see…that’s good to know.

Mary: She is right though, the garden looks rather nice this time of day and it’s vacant at the moment, so it would a be the perfect option for this task.

Whitley considers it for a moment. After a while he gives them an approving nod the waves over Penny and Yuko and the three starting walking towards the garden. Sue and Mary hang back for bit, Mary looks down at Sue and whisper to her.

Mary: (whisper) Feeling better now that you’ve redeem yourself for your little chemical spill?

Sue: (whisper) That was 98% not my fault and you know that!

Sue then runs to caught up with the rest of the group while Mary trails on slowly behind her. Once at the double doors of the garden Yuko and Sue take a door each and open them, reveal the beautiful greenery of the Schnee Manor Garden. There’s nothing but flowers and trees as far as the eye could see with a white tile paths lining the ground as they enter. Penny skips ahead to go wondering, entranced by the beautiful of the grounds and all it’s foliage while the others are strategizes a plan for this mini photoshoot.

Whitley: Well we’re here, now how are we going about this.

Sue: That’s the hard part of photography, we need to find the right angle and light to put her under to get the shoot. And we also need to consider what kind of scenery we want in the-

Suddenly Sue stops, she staring at something with an intense gaze. The others turn their heads to see what she’s looking at only to see Penny squatting down with her elbows on her knees, balanced on her toes, and hands propping up her head while she stares dreamingly at a patch of pink crocuses.

Sue: This is it. This. Is. The. MOMENT! Young Master get over there, get out your scroll, get within half a foot away from her, get down to her level , and center the camera directly between her upper body, face, and the flowers! NOW!

Whitley quickly complies and goes over to Penny, while she’s absorbed in the flowers he pulls out his scroll then he squats down awkwardly. He’s lining up the shoot, trying to get the lens to focus and when it finally does he’s awestruck. Through his scroll’s camera he see Penny smiling sweetly and sniff the flowers. The warm glow of the sunlight brightening the curls of her bright orange hair, and gave a soft glow to her spring green eyes. The pink of crocus highlights the pinks of her lips and the contrast made her freckle dusted cheeks more pronounced and cute. She looks so natural amongst the flowers like a fairy lost in her own world of warmth and happiness.

Whitley: She looks peaceful, so happy, so-

Whitley shakes his head, there’s no time for this they’re already falling behind schedule. they need this done now.

Whitley: Ms. Polendina, please look over here and smile.

Penny turns her head towards him and gives him a gentle smile. Eyes glued to her gaze, Whitley is taking a few photos when suddenly he feels his heartbeat quicken and once he’s done he still can’t take his eyes off her.

Penny: Does it looks good?

Her question pulls Whitley out of his trance and he stands up heart now ponding in his chest. He turns his scroll around to show her the photos. While they’re looking over the pictures Yuko sneaks up behind Whitley. She stands about a foot away and starts waving her hand over Whitley’s shoulder and in Penny’s direction. Eventually Penny catches her waving out the corner of her eye, when she cox her head to get a better look she sees Yuko mouths “ Now’s your chance”. She’s confused for a second but then she remembers what they talked about earlier and decides to go for it.

Penny: Whitley.

Whitley: Yes.

Penny: I….I am very sorry for what I said yesterday. I did not know that you’re relationship with your sisters wasn’t good I just thought I wasn’t close enough to either for them to tell me about their home lives. I promise you I would never have said anything about them if I knew it was such uncomfortable topic, please forgive me for my rudeness.

Whitley is once again stunned, her integrity was admirable. It takes a lot of courage to admit fault and apologize, something very few people in his life had the capability or desire to do. To have someone so strong be so vulnerable and sincere with him felt….surreal.

Whitley: It’s fine Ms. Polendina, it was an honest mistake I know you didn’t mean any harm. Besides it not like I speak about them too much either, I suppose it’s just the nature of our relationship. Anyway now that we’ve gotten a good photo we can return to our lesson.

Whitley turns around and addresses the maids.

Whitley: Yuko! We’re done here, time to head back to the lounge. Sue and Mary, thank you for your help.

Yuko: Yes, Young Master.

Mary: Of course, Young Master.

Sue: Thank you, Young Master.

Whitley quickly walk towards the doors, Penny and Yuko follow behind him leaving Sue and Mary behind in the garden. Soon they reenter the lounge room, get seated, notepad out, and they’re ready to continue their lesson.

Whitley: Now that that’s been taken care of we can finally get to the most important topic of today’s lesson. Especially since you’ll need to know this subject well to successful at the tea party. Now this subject is something you probably already do in your day to day life but I highly doubt you know how to do it and use it properly. The topic is……how to compliment a person.

Penny: Huh?

Penny tilts her head a little confused but Whitley just smirks and continues.

Whitley: Now I know this sounds very rudimentary but compliments can be a powerful tool when dealing with elites. This is due to one of the major values in high society, vanity. Most elites are extremely vain and thrive off validation. They need people to know and admire how rich, how classy, and absolutely fabulous their lifestyle is, making most weak to flattery and praise. With a little praise you can make uptight elites feel at a bit at ease with you. However there are some rules you must follow to use this value successfully, the first is timing. The first compliment should be given after the first greeting, if your address a group give a general compliment like “You all look absolutely lovely today!” or something similar. If it’s a single person you can be more specific, which can be rather simple if you pay attention to how the person’s behavior and movements. Those who thrive on this kind of validation will make themselves noticeable by wearing the most eye catching outfit and accessories possible, even at most casual of events, and will show off their new pieces to garner even more attention. They’ll play with their rings and hair, twirl around in their dresses, and anything they can think of to show off what they have. This gives you easy objects to identify and praise, for those who aren’t so obvious look for them over discreetly first then compliment whatever you think took the most time, effort, and money to prepare. Now the second rule is the most important to remember, never give to much at once. While compliments are a good tool it can be a double edge sword, too much and you’ll seem like a brown nose, too little and you’ll seem petty.

Penny puts her pen down and raises her hand, Whitley acknowledges this and points to her hand. He can guess what she’s about to ask.

Penny: What does complimenting someone have to with color of my-

Whitley: Brown noser is the term for someone who give excessive praise and compliments in order to gain a person of high standing’s favor. The “brown nose” comes from the less polite term of ass kisser which is derived from the idea that this kind of people were so desperate to get the approval of someone in a higher position that they’d kiss their rear ends if it might they’d something out of it. The “brown nose” comes from the idea being that close to someone’s rear would get a bit of….well you know the only brown substance human creates down there. It’s just a negative metaphor for someone how praises and flatters someone of higher standing in order to get something.

Penny: Oooh. Ewwww.

Whitley: I know, and in order to avoid appearing like one of those people after you’ve payed your first compliment don’t give another for the rest of the conversation unless they actively try to impress you. For that situation set a limit of five compliments for women and three for men.

Penny: Why is there different amount for men and women?

Whitley: Because men don’t need as much validation.

Penny: Is that true?

Whitley: It’s what social norms dictate and in high society that’s all that matters. Now I’d like to see how much you’ve learned today, I want you to compliment three aspects of my physical appearance using my lecture as a guide.

Penny almost drops her pen at Whitley’s outlandish request. Now there was no lack of things Penny could say about his appearance in fact it was quite the opposite. There was so much she could say about him, from his snow white hair to his elegant figure and jewel like eyes there was almost nothing about him Penny didn’t find beautiful. Penny decides to focus on his instructions, he said to look the person over and comment on what most likely took the most effort. Penny stares over at Whitley, who’s sat on the other edge of the sofa, legs crossed with one arm propping up the other as he rest his head on it as he stares back her, waiting patiently for her to speak. Penny feels the drumming in her chest returning but she powers through and continues to ponder until she gathers the courage to finally speak.

Penny: Your outfit looks very nice, it’s very well put together and formal but casual.

Whitley: Well it should, the vest alone was quite an expensive piece. Continue.

Penny: Your haircut is very neat and your hair itself is very pretty. The color and texture reminds me of silk.

Whitley:.…My stylist is known for their skill and I do best to get it right when I have to.

Penny: That’s not surprising you seem very diligent with the up keep of your appearance. Besides your hair and clothing your nails are also nicely manicure and your skin is soft and smooth without any blemishes. Overall you’re truly a beautiful and dashing young man Whitley Schnee.

Whitley slumps forward and face palms. Penny tries to ask what’s wrong but he puts up one of his hands and motions for her to stop.

Whitley: Would appear that I overlooked an important point in my lecture. Rule three, compliments should be a short statement commenting positivity on an aspect of a person’s appearance or personality. It should never be more then a sentence or two and as a young lady you should never give such detailed compliments to a man of any age. It can come off as flirtatious and that is highly improper and inappropriate.

The information hangs in the air for a moment until it finally sets in and Penny realize what he’s insinuating and her face bright red as she becomes overwhelmed with embarrassment.

Penny: I-I didn’t-I wasn’t trying to-I really don’t know-

Whitley: It’s fine, just don’t make the same mistake again, others won’t take it so lightly. You’re dismissed.

Penny: Okay! Goodbye see you tomorrow!

Penny quickly grabs her things and runs out of the room not even waiting for Yuko to escort her, leaving her and Whitley behind in an awkward silence.

Yuko: That was…interesting. She’s a rather odd girl isn’t she Young Mas- YOUNG MASTER!

Yuko looks over at Whitley in shock, his face, neck, and arms, they’d all gone beet red! Yuko rushes over to him, trying figure out how he gotten this way.

Yuko: Young Master are you alright? You’re breaking out into a fever. I’ll call the doctor down immediately! Please-

Whitley: I’m fine Yuko, I just need a minute to breathe. Please give me some space.

Yuko: Yes Young Master.

Yuko leaves the room, once he’s alone Whitley throws his head into his lap as he tries to contain a scream. How could Penny say such things so earnestly! What was she possibly thinking spouting such praise like that!

Whitley: Why? Why did she say all of that! It was a simple task, “compliment my appearance” that was it. There was no reason for her to go into that kind of detail! Was she trying to act like a kiss up or is that really how she sees me?

Whitley was confused by how anyone could say such things so easily. For most of his life kind words had a few uses. They were used for personal gain and control by most elites, sparsely used by the staff as part of their jobs of caring for the manor’s inhabitants, and almost entirely nonexistent with his family. Yet this girl he’s known for such a short time had chosen to praise him so sincerely. She had been there less than a week and had already proven to be far more odd and unpredictable then Whitley could have ever imagined. However as much as he wanted to be annoyed by her actions a part him can’t help but long for tomorrow and their next lesson.

#penny polendina #whitley schnee #pietro polendina #broken machines #beta tester #rwby fanfiction #rwby #fanfic #cute #guys get flustered too

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angstysebfan · 4 years

Text

Choices - Chapter 10

Pairing: Steve X Reader, Bucky Reader (not Stucky)

Summary: You fall in love with a super soldier, but after a decision that leaves you heartbroken you find yourself needing to decide where your heart truly lies.

Warnings: Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempt, depression

Over the next few weeks you started to slowly improve, but would still have a lot of bad days. Bucky was there through it all, and always stayed patients, never pushing you to do anything out of your comfort zone. You appreciated his support through this, and you both continued to get closer as time went on. But Bucky was respectful of you needing to heal, and never made you feel like he was pressuring you into a relationship.

You knew you still needed time. You still hated yourself more than anything, which at times seemed strange to you. Bucky would constantly tell you that you did nothing wrong, and that the blame lies solely with Steve and his decision, which you know is right. But, you can’t help but think the reason Steve did what he did, was because you were not enough.

You started to look back at your life and your previous relationships and realized that your boyfriends were always the one that left. Maybe you are just not enough for anyone. Maybe Steve made the right choice and picking you to die, so that wouldn’t have to go through this terrible life alone. Maybe Steve did you a favor.

Once those thoughts came into your head, it was hard for them to leave. Your bad days started to become more frequent, as your wish to do anything to get rid of the pain was stronger than ever. Bucky started to panic because you would zone out and not listen to him, you weren’t eating, and he was really afraid to leave you for a moment.

One day you were walking alone around the lake, making sure to sneak away when Bucky wasn’t looking. You thought of all the ways you could just end the pain, and then finally be free. You decide to go for it, and ran to a large rock formation on the side of the lake. You climbed to the top and grabbed one of the boulders that was light enough for you to lift, but heavy enough to weigh you down.

You fell backwards into the water, making sure the boulder stayed on top of you. As you began to sink to the bottom, you thought about how you were finally going to be rid of the pain. Then you thought about the promise you made yourself about trying for Bucky. Sweet, loving Bucky. He has done everything to make you feel comfortable. You thought about how terrible his long life has been, and how he somehow made it to the other side and is happy again.

It made your pathetic problems seem insufficient in comparison. Suddenly you are regretting this decision and try to push the boulder off your abdomen, but with the weight of the water, it’s not moving. You start to panic thinking about how devastated Bucky will be when he finds out what you have done. You keep pushing, but the lack of oxygen is getting to you. As you are slowly fading into the darkness, you feel the boulder move and arms wrap around you.

Next thing you know you are being carried out of the water and placed in one of the lounging chairs by the house. “Y/N? Open your eyes for me, please?” Bucky begs. You are taking deep cleansing breaths of air to fill your lungs and finally open your eyes to look into the panicked blue ones.

“Bucky! I’m so sorry!” you say as you throw yourself in his arms. Bucky holds you close to him and whispers comforting words of encouragement. After awhile you pull away and look at each other. You clear your throat, “I... I’m so embarrassed. I’m so sorry, Bucky. you have done so much for me and here I go and do something like this.” you say crying.

Bucky cups your face in his hands and wipes your hears away. “Doll, it’s okay. The main thing is that I got to you in time. Just, please don’t do that to me again.” he begs, tears coming to his eyes. Your heart breaks when you see how emotional he is. You climb into hi lap and hug him, whispering how sorry you are over and over again.

That night after you both shower and get into warm clothes you both eat the dinner Bucky had been preparing. He was so happy to see you eat, and you didn’t realize how hungry you were. After you were done, you started to head upstairs to your room and saw Bucky put out his pillow and blanket. “Bucky?” you call to him. He looks up at you in question. “Can you come sleep with me? You... you help keep the nightmares away.” you say, blushing.

Bucky’s heart started to pound in his chest with love. “Uh... sure. No problem.” He said, trying to keep his voice even. He followed you up to your room and allowed you to get into bed. He laid on top of the covers on the other side, making sure to give you room.

“Bucky, come under the covers,” you say. He looks at you for a moment before standing and lifting the covers and sliding in next to you. You shift until you are curled up against his side. You both lay there in the darkness silent for awhile. Finally you wanted to tell him what happened.

“I regretted my decision no long after I went into the water,” you say softly. Bucky shifts slightly to look at you. “I thought... I thought it was going to make everything better. I know you have said that it wasn’t my fault that Steve did what he did, but I couldn’t get it out of my head that maybe it is me.” Bucky continues to look at you in silence, letting you get your feelings out.

“Every boyfriend I have ever had left me. Maybe I am just unlovable, I don’t know. Steve’s decision just made it seem like it was something I did, and that he was trying to... get me out of my miserable life by letting me die.” You gulped and looked at Bucky who looked back, not with pity, but concern.

“When I went into the water I was so happy it was finally going to be over. Then I started thinking about the promise I made to myself to try and get better for you. Then I thought about how your life has been so much more horrible than mine, and here I am trying to kill myself. If you were able to make it through after everything you have been through, maybe I could do it too.” you say.

Bucky sighs, “First of all, you are far from unloveable. You are sweet, kind, funny, and beautiful inside and out. Steve was an idiot and I want to kill him for what he did to you.” Bucky paused for a moment. “The reason I am here is because I know how it feels to be so low and lost that you don’t think there is ever going to be a point in your life that you have happiness again.”

He shifts more to look at you better. “I promise, Y/N, the happiness will come. You deserve a long and happy life, and I am making it my mission to make sure you get that life. I... don’t make your demons feel insignificant to mine. They are yours to fight, and the fight is just as hard as mine was, but you have me beside you.” he says as he brushes hair away from your face.

You didn’t realize you started crying during Bucky’s speech, but here you were, crying. Not because you were sad or disappointed, but because with his words, some of the darkness in you started to crack, and light was starting to peek through. You pulled Bucky into a hug, “Thank you Bucky. I... god I love you.” you say.

Bucky pulls back and looks at you in shock. You have said those words plenty of times, but he knew the meaning behind those words were different this time. You nod looking at him, “I do. You are the best man I have ever met. You have shown me what love really is in the short time we have been here. I know that I am still not ready, but I do.... I love you Bucky.” you say.

Bucky smiles at you, “I love you too, Y/N. And I know that nothing will happen for awhile, but I have been wanting to tell you that for along time.” he says with a laugh. You smile at him, “You’re right. I am going to get better, because I have you here to help me.” you say.

You snuggle into Bucky’s side and sigh. “I don’t know when I’ll be ready for any type of relationship.” you say. Bucky kisses your head, “Doll, as I have said a million times before. I am not going anywhere.”

You allow the warmth and butterflies to take over from the kiss on your head. You had a set back, but once again Bucky was there to save the day and put you back on course. You knew there were dark days ahead, but with Bucky there, you would always have light with you to fight it.

Chapter 9 / Chapter 11

Okay... yea... After this chapter, we will start getting more into Steve and what he has been doing. As well as what will happen when the reader goes back to the compound. There will be a time jump just to move the story along. Feedback is appreciated.

Permanent Taglist: @hailmary-yramliah @tuiccim @comedictragedy @cap-n-stuff @thefridgeismybestie @swiftmind @aleaisntcreative @lookiamtrying @pinknerdpanda @morganclaire4 @iamvalentinaconstanza @verygraphicink @im-squished @joannie95 @peace-love-hobbitness @connie326

Story Taglist: @tweedlydumbtweedlydoo @supraveng @rebekahdawkins @vicmc624

#steve x reader #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #steve grant rogers #james buchanan barnes #steve rogers #Bucky Barnes #steve angst #Bucky angst #sharon carter

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sunsetsover · 3 years

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Just hopping on the anons last week who said they'd done reading around BPD and Ben etc after reading your posts to say... when Whitney told Ben he makes everything about himself in this week's eps I immediately thought of you! Like lemme explain lmao I remember last year you wrote about how lots of fans said Ben was making everything about him when him and Callum had that argument about the warehouse job in Sept.? And you wrote about how you viewed it and how looking at Ben through a lense of mh goes a different interpretation etc. Idk Whitney saying that just made me recall your thoughts on the fandom saying the same thing lmao.

(although tbh I didn't think Whitney was v fair saying that anyway bc how was he meant to know Callum had witnessed a stabbing etc?? He wasn't making it about himself he was simply worrying about the info he had access to???)

no joke i literally thought the exact same thing after i watched it yesterday. not the post (tho i do remember what you're talking about!) but i was like 'oh ben's behaviour is VERY bpd' like probably the most obvious example we've had since 2019 maybe and then i was like man.... how many people are going to have Bad Takes abt ben's behaviour and how he's 'selfish' and then i was thinking abt what whit said and it reminded me of something i heard once and i've tried to find it but i can't and i'm gutted bc it made so much sense but it was abt how bpd are often viewed as selfish or making everything abt us but we do that bc we literally feel like everything IS because of us/our fault. it's literally a Symptom. like when you're hypersensitive and terrified of everyone abandoning you EVERYTHING feels personal.

like someone's in a bad mood? clearly i have done something to put them in a bad mood. someone doesn't reply? clearly they hate me. you smile at someone in public and they don't smile back? clearly they can sense something is Wrong with me and didn't want to engage. either that or they think i'm hideously ugly. that's the default assumption, that it's somehow something to do with me. not that they're going thru their own shit or that they're busy or tired. and then when we're talking abt someone you're close too, the fear of abandonment comes into play where you either start to push them away bc you're convinced they're gonna leave anyway or frantically do things or change things to help convince them to stay, and both of these can go very extreme. and ofc it's not logical but we can't help it. i'm always saying this to people in my life: i know how i'm feeling/what i'm doing isn't logical and it doesn't make sense, but i literally can't help it. it's like the sensible you is locked in the back of your brain forced to witness all of your own bs but they're literally powerless to do anything about it.

which is also why i can understand under the hysteria of your own fear of abandonment and hypersensitivity why ben could convince himself callum was gonna leave him for whitney. like ofc i get why ppl would find that unrealistic and offensive, but i can't NOT see him as bpd, and when you have bpd that fear of abandonment is so so incredibly pervasive that you start thinking things like that and convince yourself that they're real. like you genuinely believe them. and someone of sound mind is like 'that doesn't make any sense, he's gay' but like.... that almost is irrelevant to a certain degree. your own belief that you're so unlovable and that everyone is going to leave you holds SO much weight in your mind, more than even reality itself.

like you could almost compare it to hallucination. reality and logic dictates that it's impossible for there to be a man crawling on the ceiling, but if you can see it and hear it and feel it then ofc you're going to believe it's real. reality and logic become irrelevant bc you KNOW it's there, even though it isn't, u know? it's the same kind of thing: reality says ofc callum isn't gonna propose to whitney when he's married and literally gay, but that all-consuming fear of abandonment is so much louder when it says 'he's lying, he's sneaking around w his ex, he's not talking to you about anything, he's got a ring, ofc he's gonna propose to her, she didn't ask him to quit his job or force him into a position where he had to lie for months, ofc he was gonna leave, he just married you out of pity, this is all your fault, you don't deserve happiness or love bc you're a bad person lmao what did you even expect?' etc u know

if i'm being completely honest if i were in ben's shoes i could EASILY see myself being convinced my gay partner is gonna leave me for their ex of the opposite sex. like worryingly easily. and tbh between that and what was going on with kheerat, i actually think he coped surprisingly well. like i genuinely thought that yesterday that if i was in his situation i probably would have reacted much worse and been in much worse a state than he was. and i'm not just saying that, i think his growth since 2019 is obvious in how tame his reaction to it all was tbh.

i realize probably no one will bother but if anyone really is interested and wants to understand more then u should watch this video. i've timestamped it at the first point bc if nothing else u should listen to that bc it helps explain what i've said in a much better way esp the example abt clearing out the garage but the whole video is really good and i would love for some ppl to watch it. like i know it's half hour and that's a long time and also the interviewer is obnoxious and p insensitive but the doctor herself is really good and explains everything i've been trying to explain in a MUCH better way than i ever could and i think it will really help you understand what it's like to be someone bpd and what it actually means for day to day life

like i realize i've completely gone off on one w this and im sorry but i have opinions and i just want people to understand you know?? not necessarily for ben as a character but for all the ppl out there w bpd bc !!!! no one gives a fuck abt us they just misunderstand us and then do literally nothing to try and understand us when we try to explain ourselves so to have ppl actually engaging in this dialogue w me makes me very excited and i try to explain as much as i can while i have the opportunity u know lmao so i very much appreciate you and getting messages like this thank you 💞💞💞

#anon #question #like !!!!! i just have a lot to say !!!!!! im sorry !!!!

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k-s-morgan · 4 years

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You know, I always look forward to and dread your updates. Don’t get me wrong, I love your writing, your metas and all the fics you have written but ‘What he grows to be’ gives me such an upset feeling. Maybe dark stories are not my cup of tea but I’ve read dark stories before and they haven’t affected me the way yours does. Throughout the whole story my heart feels heavy but I can’t bring myself to stop reading. Also I have a question: could you please explain Harry’s devotion to Tom? Like I don’t study psychology or anything so I’m not an expert (so correct me if I’m wrong) but I don’t see a reason for Harry to sacrifice so much for someone like Tom who is nothing but cruel towards him. He’s been condescending always treating Harry like a helpless thing who needs looking after. He is cruel and manipulative and has a complete disregard towards anything about personal boundaries. I mean he’s basically ,in a loose term, a psychopath. I can understand the way you write Tom, I don’t get the way you’ve written Harry. He’s so weak. He has none of that courage he used to have in the books. He doesn’t have that spirit that made me fall in love with him. He gives in so easily. He forgives easily. He has no morals left. He’s not the Harry I know. Like he literally excused multiple murders Tom committed because he loves him? It’s just so hard to comprehend. I tried to put myself in Harry’s place and instead of feeling sympathetic towards him, I felt angry at how much he has lost himself. I don’t see any thing good in Tom. I would understand for Harry to love him with such abandon if he has anything good in him. But Tom has done nothing but made him suffer. Why did Harry change so much? Just because he only has Tom in this world? Because he raised him? Tom was never a helpless, innocent child for Harry to feel compassion towards him. He was cruel and manipulative from the beginning. It just frustrates me how Harry keeps forgiving Tom and then apologizing to him after his ‘punishments’. It might be cruel for Harry to ‘die’ as a punishment but still does it warrant him forgiving Tom so easily after the atrocities he has committed? It’s a complex situation, I understand and truly I don’t mean to offend you or anything. I’m just trying to understand. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this because you know them better than I do as it is your own story. I don’t know if it makes me a bad person but it always gives me so much satisfaction to see Tom suffer even though it’s for such a short time. Please tell me he won’t get away with everything like always does and that Harry won’t just forgive him easily like he usually does. Because what Tom just did was so cruel and horrifying that I was in shock when I read it. The way he used Harry’s weakeness against him... sorry for the rant!

Hello! First of all, thank you so much for such a long and detailed ask - it's always great to know that my work affects people, even if it evokes so much frustration :D I firmly believe in the death of the author concept, so I don't feel like I can impose my understanding of characters on my readers. Everyone sees them in different ways: some readers think Harry overreacted, others think he should kill Tom and be done with it, etc. What He Grows to Be is certainly a disturbing story, and I think it differs from my other works because Tom and Harry are very different. With Will and Hannibal, violence and manipulations are mutual while here, Harry is genuinely kind and empathetic, and Tom takes advantages of that.

As for my personal view: I don't think Harry is weak. I think he is very fucked up, even more so than in canon because he had to live through even more trauma after the war in WHGTB. In canon, being understanding, forgiving, and empathetic are some of Harry's major traits. It always shakes me to think about how he named his child Albus Severus after two people who caused him so much pain. Yes, Dumbledore loved him in his own way, but ultimately, Harry was his weapon. Years of abuse, every interaction, every test - everything was done with a purpose of manipulating him into being a perfect self-sacrificial hero. And yet Harry still loves Dumbledore with devotion, he still holds awe for him. Same with Snape: yes, he wasn't as terrible of a person as Harry imagined. He suffered a lot, he tried to redeem himself, but Harry never saw anything but hostility and derision from him. And yet he forgives everything to the point of naming a child after him because Snape loved his mother and took care of him.

Harry didn't hate his relatives after years of abuse. He managed to feel empathy even for Voldemort, and not just once. He tried to give him a chance during the final battle, tried to make him see where he went wrong - that speaks of a unique kind of compassion and a big lack of self-worth. In WHGTB, due to the circumstances, all these traits are amplified.

As it could be expected, the story of Harry's all-encompassing love for Tom started with pity. When he first adopted him, he felt reserved and wary. He didn't like him, he didn't trust him, but he still started to grow attached to him because that's who Harry is: he can't share meals, teach, talk, and decorate house with a person without feeling something for them in the process. When Tom broke the vase and tried to repair it, terrified and guilty, Harry's pity and attachment won out. In that moment, he saw a little fragile boy who was never loved and who craved approval and acceptance. And Harry was determined to give it to him.

For a while, like you said, Tom was rude and condescending. But he showed he's capable of regret and remorse. He tried to heal Harry after hurting him; he listened to him with fascination during lessons and was willing to change his ideas; he laughed and cooked with him. Affection got stronger, and with it, what seemed annoying started to come across like lovable quirks. Harry despised Tom's showing-off at first, but then, after he got used to him and his company, he started finding it funny and endearing. He invested all of himself into this child, making him into his life goal - he couldn't not love him. He started to live for the small moments of Tom's affection and acceptance. His love for Ron, Hermione, his parents, Sirius - it combined and focused on Tom alone because in many ways, Tom was the key to making sure that when these people are born, they live a fulfilling and happy life. In Harry's mind, the more he loved Tom, the more chances of succeeding he had, and then the boundaries of this love started to blur, and Tom began to genuinely outshine every other person he has ever known because he was there and others were not.

When Gringotts happened and Tom's perception shifted, Harry was showered with his absolute devotion and focus. You said that you don't see anything good in Tom, but Harry does - and it's also important to remember that before Beth, Tom was very careful about not letting him see his real face. In Harry's eyes, Tom learned to help others, like when he offered his hand to a Muggle boy. He discarded the ideas of blood superiority and developed a far more moral outlook. He learned to be caring, worrying about Harry when he's sick, making potions for him, covering him with a blanket at night, helping other students, achieving equality, etc. Tom's devotion is a completely irresistible thing to Harry because he's always been responsive to kindness, no matter how limited it was.

After Beth, it was already too late for him. Love and empathy are a terrible weapon in Harry's case: he can't just unlove someone who has become his main life purpose. The only way is to try to understand Tom, and as long as this understanding exists, Harry finds an ability to forgive him.

You said Tom has done nothing but make him suffer, but for Harry, that's not true. 80% of time he spends with Tom is the happiest time of his life. Tom became the only person in his world, the person Harry poured of all his love, loneliness, and longing into. Tom is a family Harry never had. He was a child Harry could relate to, so he spoiled him, argued with him, shopped with him, and basked in the happiness of making him smile; Tom was a friend ready to listen and reassure, to discuss how their days passed, to do something fun together; now, Tom has started to slowly growing into something more. The celebrations, the shopping, the holidays, the flying - all these are happy memories for Harry. The only major instances of pain were Beth and now Charlus. Harry feels shattered every time Tom comes close to acting on his darkness, but as compared to the time they spend together, happiness still exceeds the heartbreak.

When it comes to breaking his limits, Harry doesn't forgive easily. He didn't speak to Tom 6 months after Beth and he subjected him to a terrible trauma as punishment; the thought of Tom killing Charlus almost drove him crazy, but he couldn't ignore the fact that it happened before the system and that Tom has been trying since then. After the ritual, Harry leaves - and yes, I can assure you that forgiveness is definitely not coming any time soon! Although as the toxic cycle of their relationship shows, Harry can't really stay away from Tom indefinitely either.

Harry is happy with Tom, and he knows Tom loves him. He understands that Tom is a psychopath and that ordinary criteria cannot apply to him, and so he struggles with making sure that Tom follows a lighter path while praising him every time there is some progress. In many ways, Harry succeeded: Tom is not planning on massive destruction. He doesn't discriminate; he made sure that other purebloods became more tolerant; he still wants power, but he's getting to it in ways that don't presuppose violence and murder. Every time Tom shows darkness, it's in an instance concerning Harry.

Harry loves being loved, even though Tom's love is not healthy. He loves being protected because this is something he missed severely in his first life. A big part of him wants to be taken care of, to let go and just enjoy life without constantly having to make difficult decisions. Tom gives him that, and under some conditions, they could be happy together, finding a perfect balance.

Alas, it's not going to happen any time soon (or maybe at all ;)!

#my fics #tomarry

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nevtelenwriting · 4 years

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Excerpt: Hotch&Reid

Part of that longfic I’m writing that’s at like 35K with no end in sight

Pairing: One-sided Hotch/Reid, Reid is a pining disaster

Rating: T, Humor, slight crack, mostly shenanigans

Word Count: 1800~

Premise: Set early in Season 3, directly after Gideon leaves and Reid is very much struggling. Reid wakes up after a night of black out drinking, in attempts to curb the urge to use dilaudid. Apparently a bad decision was made.

***

If he felt any comfier Reid might have actually been dead. Apparently last night ended very well, considering his immediate senses filled with a warm chest moving with even, slow breaths underneath his own, his face buried against a man’s neck with a pleasant deodorant and salt to his skin. It was unexpected, and the lack of memory would probably hit him harder once he let himself wake more.

Reid refused to lift his face because he could feel the throb behind his eyes beginning to escalate with consciousness. He was about to pass out again and ignore the urgent necessity to find a bathroom for his poor, unloved bladder when a few things start clicking into place.

The first was he was on a couch. Second, he was surprisingly clothed for what seemed to have transpired last night. He had on a shirt, so did the man, and he could only sense bare skin from mid-thigh down where his legs were tangled up in Reid's own. The third, was that after tall, dark, and mysterious ordered him shots at the bar, he didn’t actually remember anything. He couldn’t remember the guy’s face, either.

The fourth was Reid realizing he recognized the smell of this deodorant. The fifth, he also recognized the watch on the man's wrist. And that hand. And the wedding ring.

Reid bolted upright with a horrified, gasping wheeze, hands on either side of the broad torso of his human bed. Wide eyes bugged out further with every second seeing familiar hair, familiar nose, familiar jaw. Aaron Hotchner, his married boss, was passed out underneath him.

Reid immediately regretted his decision to lurch up when the floor tilted sideways and wow, he hadn’t had a hangover this vicious in…ever. Reid groaned and pressed his palm to his throbbing temple, wincing at the daylight filtering in through his blinds. His apartment. Hotch came back with him to his apartment, so at least Reid didn’t have to hide his shame from Haley Hotch’s wife oh god what happened last night.

Hotch grumbled underneath him. He ran a hand through his hair, long fingers carded through messy tresses sticking up from whatever product remained from yesterday. He winced a little before blinking open his eyes, staring up at Reid with a sleepy, hazy gaze not yet aware of his predicament. Reid looked down at Hotch, blinking his own eyes rapidly to remove his hallucination, but the image beneath him was not dissipating.

Help.

“You ready to get off me now?” Hotch murmured, a brow quirking up and Reid was almost positive he had died, but the decision was still out on whether this was heaven or hell.

“Sorry,” Reid fumbled off of him, eyes still huge on Hotch in panic, standing there awkwardly in his lanky t-shirt glory before he crossed his arms over himself. Hotch had on an undershirt, but was sans pants, donning only boxers and socks and Reid was utterly dumbfounded. Either they hadn’t undressed, or in a drunken stupor managed to put back on the weirdest assortment of clothes. Reid resisted giving himself a smell-test to confirm their…nighttime activities.

Hotch sat up and studied him silently, neither affected nor concerned he was half naked on Reid’s couch. Maybe Hotch was in so much shock that last night hadn’t hit him yet? Or he was stroking out. Was he stroking out? Reid scanned his face for signs of cranial dysfunction, regret, or dismay.

Hotch blinked slowly, rubbed his cheek with blearily blinking eyes. Hotch was a slow-waker, no, why did he have to be cute right now.

“You look like you don’t remember,” Hotch mumbled.

Reid bit his lip hard on a pitiful whimper, ground his palms into his temples and whacked one a few times to jog some form of memory, “I don’t. I am so sorry, Hotch, I have no idea what came over me.”

“Nothing happened.” Hotch scrunched his nose, shaking his head, “Didn’t mean to fall asleep. I’m going to put my pants in your dryer.”

The relief was superseded by confusion. Reid’s lip curled. “My dryer?”

“Pants first. Explanation second.” Hotch pushed off of the couch, his bared bicep flexing to do it. Reid bit his lip.

Pants were a good idea. Reid was in shorts only, he didn't wear briefs to bed which meant now Hotch likely knew he wore no underwear to bed and—wait Reid was on top of Hotch, did Hotch feel his—?

Pants first. Crisis second. Wait no, bathroom first oh god.

It took Reid three tries to go in the right direction of his bathroom, where he relieved himself and grabbed Tylenol for his throbbing hangover. On the way through his messy room he crashed into his door in his haste to jump into sweats, change into a new shirt that didn’t smell like Hotch. As much as he tried he was unable to invoke any memories through the fog. It all turned to nothing like he fell asleep in the middle of chatting up an attractive, older brunet and—oh, that was a new memory.

Hotch didn’t comment on the crashing and thumping he must have heard when Reid came back out, leaning against his kitchen counter still in nothing but his undershirt and boxers, his hair no less tamed though Reid could tell he tried. His eyes were clear with wakefulness, though he hadn’t quite drudged up the stern appraisal that was near constant in their workplace. He still looked, in a word, soft from rest. If anything he was considerate of his space, not taking up more room than necessary with hands braced on his counter, out of the way of Reid’s direct path back into the open main room. Reid had never seen him in anything but suits or warm, comfy clothes almost a size too big. He was in good shape, as Reid had been made acutely aware of the tone of his stomach when laying on top—

Focus, Reid.

Reid crossed his own arms tight over his body, rubbed at his cheek when no immediate words came. Was it more appropriate to offer food or thanks when one woke up straddling their boss with no memory of how it happened? He couldn’t give Hotch an out, not with the dryer still holding hostage what he presumed to be the rest of his clothes. What the hell happened?

“I don’t think I’ve ever blacked out before,” Reid conceded, though it sounded more like an excuse. Old movies of girls who would never sacrifice their sensibilities unless under the duress of a hot man flittered by and Reid was disappointed at himself. He shook his head clear of those thoughts.

“I figured,” Hotch replied, still surprisingly level. “What’s the last thing you remember?”

“…Sitting on the lap of a 40-some-year-old male with dark hair.”

“Ah.” Hotch’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline. He cleared his throat and suddenly found Reid’s couch unavoidably mesmerizing.

Reid studied him through narrowed eyes, and then horror flooded his veins as he whispered, “Was that you?”

Hotch’s eyes bugged out of his head, “What? No!”

“Oh.” The horror faded away. “Good.” He wasn’t a total mess then. Reid’s eyes went wide again though, at the realization he just asked his boss that question.

Reid looked back to Hotch, and his face looked sunburnt.

“Can we forget I asked that.”

“Fine by me.”

Reid still wasn’t sure how to request Hotch’s memories of last night. It felt like retribution, not being able to recall how he ended up waking to his boss artfully disheveled underneath him and his clothes apparently ruined enough to need laundering. It may be a good thing, honestly. Reid never blacked out; he wasn’t one of those people that could, or so he thought. He always got sick before he drank so much that it shut down his brain. Who knew how he had embarrassed himself in front of his coworker?

Yeah, that seemed right; lust after his married straight boss, live with shame for eternity.

Reid chewed his lip before saying, “I can’t believe you stayed. Isn’t Haley worried about you?”

Hotch cleared his throat, mumbled “It isn’t a problem,” and provided no additional input.

Well, this wasn’t awkward at all.

He felt bad just standing here. A check to his phone—placed in the charger, which was not something even sober Reid did, so Hotch continued to be nice last night too—showed it was past 9am and if his stomach was gurgling, he had to assume Hotch’s was, too. He also felt bad Hotch was still in boxers.

“You know, I have some shorts that might —”

“We tried that,” Hotch replied, his mouth tightening.

Reid’s eye twitched and cursed black-out Reid. “I have sweatpants too, they—”

“Also tried that.” Hotch furthered, and Reid groaned inwardly.

“Do you want food?” Reid tried, “You don’t have to fit into that. And I have a spare hairbrush, if you…”

Hotch’s mouth twitched, still a little bit tense, and he covered his mouth with his hand. Reid blinked at him. He swore he saw…

“Are you…are you laughing at me?”

Hotch stared up at him from above his palm, “No?”

Reid’s mouth hung open, “You are!”

Hotch’s shoulders shook for a second, forced out behind his palm. “I swear I’m not.”

Reid threw his hands up. It was hell. He died and went to hell. He got the rare chance of seeing his boss half-naked in his apartment, glowing in morning light, and it was punishment.

“Thanks, Hotch,” Reid groused, and he hated how defensive it sounded. He was not in a place to be the angry one here, but—but of all people, he didn’t expect Hotch to be cruel.

“No, Reid,” the laugh was gone in his voice now, “I’m sorry, I swear I’m not laughing at you.”

“Your laughter says otherwise.”

“No, it’s just.” Hotch stammered behind his back. “You’re astoundingly hospitable. It’s… I was laughing because you offered the same things last night, and you haven’t even—how are you so generous right now?”

Reid’s face twisted up in confusion, he turned back to Hotch. “What does that mean?”

“I…” Hotch scratched his head, “You weren’t in the best of conditions last night.”

The contriteness in Hotch’s statement, the averted gaze and the next memory slapping him in the face suddenly made a question creep up. Reid was in a gay bar last night.

Reid squinted his eyes, “Wait, why were you there last night?”

“Um,” Hotch replied eloquently, scratched at his jaw. “I might…have been. Concerned. About you.”

Reid blinked, “And what does that mean?”

Hotch sighed, his arms crossing and schooled his features back to what passed for stoic concern. “It means I followed you after work.”

“You…” Reid balked, “You did what?”

#criminal minds #spencer reid #aaron hotchner #hotchreid #hotch/reid #heid #my writing #my fic #idek man #drabble #fanfic

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divinelydeanna · 3 years

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The Shadow

Time and time again, we may find ourselves turning down a dark road of emptiness, and self sabatoge.   All experience /shadow work, suffering, addictions, is to make the unconscious conscious, and guide us to dive deep into new somatic territory, open new neurological pathways, to create new circuitry of self love and to experience deep intimacy..    Awareness and proper framing of what's going on is crucial. The 'Psychic Winds of Change' blow through our Minds can be crazy fast and volatile , and at any moment may not be showing any signs of slowing down just yet.   Exploring Unchartered territory , spiritual healing modalities, can open new neurological pathways , create new circuitry of self love and to experience deep intimacy if we are willing to do the work. Otherwise it is spiritual bypassing.  

We all have demons inside us. Every day, we fight against them – sometimes we lose, sometimes we win.

These demons haunting us can be seen either in small glimpses or in full chaos. And because of our guilt and shame, we tend to ignore and bury them.

We think that they should stay hidden because they cannot and should not exist in our conscious self. The society tells us to focus on the good things like love and light, but never the darkness or shadow.

However, when we focus only on the “light”, it doesn’t reach to the depths of our being. It just feels like superficially hanging on a warm and fuzzy thing.

“Positive thinking is simply the philosophy of hypocrisy – to give it the right name. When you are feeling like crying, it teaches you to sing. You can manage if you try, but those repressed tears will come out at some point, in some situation. There is a limitation to repression. And the song that you were singing was absolutely meaningless; you were not feeling it, it was not born out of your heart.” – Osho

Inside every one of us are darker problems that exist. In order to touch the very depths of our being, we must be ready to explore our buried self through shadow work.

Here are the basic things you need to know about shadow work:

Beneath the social mask we wear every day, we have a hidden shadow side: an impulsive, wounded, sad, or isolated part that we generally try to ignore. The Shadow can be a source of emotional richness and vitality, and acknowledging it can be a pathway to healing and an authentic life. – Steve Wolf

First, we must define what is a “shadow”.

In the field of psychology, a shadow is a term used to refer to the parts within us that we may try to hide or deny. The name was originally coined and explored by Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, Carl Jung.

It comprises of the aspects of our personality that we tend to deem shameful, unacceptable, ugly. It can be envy, jealousy, rage, lust, desire for power or the wounds incurred in childhood – all of those we keep hidden. Jung believes that when the human Shadow is shunned, it tends to sabotage our lives. Repressing or suppressing one’s shadow can result in addictions, low self-esteem, mental illness, chronic illnesses, and various neuroses.

“Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.”– Carl Jung

You can learn to identify and work with your shadow self so that you can reach your goals and live your best life.

For many people, denying their inner self is the path they usually choose, but as you’ll see here, we are big fans of accepting who you really are and working with that, while choosing strategic thoughts and emotions in order to continue to move forward. Transformation, which so many of us are looking for, does not come from a place of denial. It comes from a place of acceptance. While you might not think it is possible to find your way to the “dark side” and come out a better person, we are here to tell you, it is.

“Man needs difficulties; they are necessary for health.” – Carl Jung

Here are 8 ways to practice shadow work:

1. Believe you are worthy and that things will get better

The first step in overcoming your shadow self and taking back your life is to acknowledge that you are worthy of good things.

When we are feeling low it is easy to continue to feel that way. Humans have an uncanny ability to feel sorry for themselves, and sometimes that is all we want to do and it serves its purpose.

But sometimes, that self-pity takes hold of us and makes it very difficult for us to get out of the rut and get back to our normal routines, or even better, our best self.

The key is learning to love yourself.

However, in this day and age practicing self love is hard.

Why?

Because society conditions us to find ourselves through our relationships with others. That the true path to happiness and fulfillment is to find love with someone else

I recently came to understand that this is an extremely unhelpful standard.

People living regular lives

What I discovered is that the relationship I have with myself is mirrored in my relationship with others. Therefore, it was very important for me to develop a better relationship with myself.

“If you do not respect your whole, you cannot expect to be respected as well. Don’t let your partner love a lie, an expectation. Trust yourself. Bet on yourself. If you do this, you will be opening yourself to be really loved. It’s the only way to find real, solid love in your life.”

2. Pay attention to the emotions you feel

No emotions are bad.

Our negative emotions are portals into the shadow. They help us determine our wounds and fears.

When you feel an emotion, take a minute to examine it. Ask yourself the following questions:

What am I feeling?

Why am I feeling this?

Wait for answers.

Don’t be frustrated if the answers do not come right away. Sometimes, the answers need time to be found and you’ll know it.

Never force answers and jump into conclusion because they might be the wrong ones. Shadow work is considered soul work and it happens on its own timeline. Just be patient and know that in time, the answers will come.

This steps simply means to accept what comes up for you, when it comes up, and acknowledge that you are an emotional being that may, from time to time, find it difficult to manage your emotions.

If you are working to tame your shadow self, then you’ll be paying attention to these moments so that you can stay with them, rather than try to run from them.

So many people simply want to feel better in the moments where we feel the greatest amount of discomfort, but if we can stay with our emotions, name them and be grateful for them, we can overcome them and move on to better things.

The better life is not created by not experiencing those emotions, but by experiencing all of them with gratitude.

RELATED: I was deeply unhappy…then I discovered this one Buddhist teaching

3. Identify the shadow

Our shadows are located in our subconscious. We buried them there that’s why it’s tricky to identify it.

n order to perform shadow work, we need to identify the shadow. The first step is to become aware of the recurrent feelings that you always feel. Identifying these patterns will help highlight the shadow.

Some common shadow beliefs are:

I am not good enough.

I am unloveable.

I am flawed.

My feelings are not valid.

I must take care of everyone around me.

Why can’t I just be normal just like others?

4. Investigate your feelings objectively and with compassion

t’s hard to do shadow work objectively and with compassion. It’s easier to investigate and blame other people why you end up that way.

On the other hand, understanding why the people who hurt you acted in a particular way is hard to accept. But in order to heal ourselves, we must forgive those who hurt us in order to move on.

Try to navigate that they did the best they could do at that time or were simply acting from their own wounds.

It’s also easy to feel bad about yourself for having these negative feelings. But there’s no reason to feel bad. We all experience negative emotions. We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t.

It’s important to accept our negative emotions and be okay with them.

According to philosopher Alan Watts, Carl Jung was the kind of man who could feel something negative and not be ashamed about it:

“[Jung] was the sort of man who could feel anxious and afraid and guilty without being ashamed of feeling this way. In other words, he understood that an integrated person is not a person who has simply eliminated the sense of guilt or the sense of anxiety from his life – who is fearless and wooden and kind of sage of stone. He is a person who feels all these things, but has no recriminations against himself for feeling them.” – Alan Watts

5. Focusing on your breathing

How much attention do you pay to the way you breathe?

If you’re like most people, then probably not a lot. We usually just let our body do the job and completely forget about it.

I think this is one of our biggest mistakes.

Because when you breathe, you produce energy for your body and psyche. This has a direct connection to your sleep, digestion, heart, muscles, nervous system, brain and mood.

But the quality of your breathing doesn’t depend only on the quality of the air — it depends much more on how you breathe.

That’s why many spiritual traditions pay so much attention to breath. And focusing on your breathing is a key technique they use to help people explore, and ultimately conquer, their shadow self.

6. Explore the shadow

Psychologists use art therapy as a way to help patients explore their inner selves. It is because art is a great way to allow your Shadow to manifest itself. Here are some ways to express the shadow:

Journaling

When you write, it allows you to feel emotions and empty your head of the thoughts rumbling around. It’s like magic – even when you write thoughts that have no sense. Just write whatever comes to mind because you can’t do it wrong.

Write a letter

Write a letter to yourself or to those who hurt you. You don’t have to actually send the letter, just let all your feelings out.

Tell the person in mind what you feel and why you feel it. Writing a letter will validate yourself and your emotions. You can burn the letter after you write it as a symbolic release.

Meditate

In meditation, we gain insights about why we feel certain ways. It helps us understand and objectively delve deeper about our emotions, then allow ourselves to heal.

One example is forgiveness meditation. You can picture a person who hurt you in your mind and say, “May you be happy, may you be at peace, may you be free of suffering.”

Recommended reading: A spiritual master explains why you can’t meditate properly (and what to do instead)

Feel

You will never heal unless you allow yourself to face the emotion you’re scared of. So explore them, write about them and make art out of them.

To experience yourself as a whole, loved, and lovable, you need to own up to your emotions.

Dreams

Our thoughts and deepest emotions can come out in dreams, according to Jung. When you experience a dream, write down what occurred immediately so you don’t forget.

By understanding your dreams, you might understand more about yourself.

“The dream is the small hidden door in the deepest and most intimate sanctum of the soul, which opens to that primeval cosmic night that was soul long before there was conscious ego and will be soul far beyond what a conscious ego could ever reach.” – Carl Jung

However, Jung says that it’s important to understand that one dream by itself might not mean much, but patterns from multiple dreams might:

“An obscure dream, taken by itself, can rarely be interpreted with any certainty, so that I attach little importance to the interpretation of single dreams. With a series of dreams we can have more confidence in our interpretations, for the later dreams correct the mistakes we have made in handling those that went before. We are also better able, in a dream series, to recognize the important contents and basic themes.” – Carl Jung

Remember that the shadow thrives in secret but they are part of who you are. Bring the hidden parts of yourself to light and bathe them in self-love and acceptance.

Sometimes, the process hurts but it will make you a better person. Keep in mind: When it comes down to getting what you want, you have to not only confront your inner darkness but embrace it.

Rather than try to turn it off when you feel the shadow self-rearing its ugly head, allow yourself to feel it and be curious about it.

In some cases, you might find that it serves you, especially when you are trying to protect yourself from things that might otherwise threaten your higher self.

When you tap into your shadow self properly, it can be a powerful alter ego that can help you manage trying situations.

It’s when you let it rule your life, or pretend you don’t have a shadow self that problems persist.

7. Nurture your inner child

Our childhood traumas can be caused by the way we were parented or other people who hurt us. It can result in deep wounds that can create behavioral and emotional patterns that create our personality.

Most of the time, our childhood wounds are the most painful. They haunt us and tell us we’re not worthy of love, or that our feelings are wrong, or that we have to take care of everything because nobody was around to take care of us.

Nurturing your inner child involves traveling back in time to when you were hurt and give yourself love. You can do this by:

Go back to the time in your life when you felt most vulnerable.

It can be a scene where you got hurt or a time in your life when you felt vulnerable. Hold that image of yourself in your mind. Stay aware, taking in any messages that arise during that time.

Give the younger you compassion

While reliving the moment, give love to your younger self. Tell yourself, “I love you and I’m here for you. It will be okay, it’s not your fault and you did nothing to deserve this.” You can also give a hug to your younger self.

One thing is for sure when doing shadow work, it is uncomfortable, to say the least. Who would enjoy owning up to their flaws, weaknesses, selfishness, hate, and all the negative emotions they feel? Nobody.

But while focusing on our positive side is enjoyable and boosts our confidence, shadow work can help us grow and develop into a better version of ourselves.

Jung writes in the book Psychology and Alchemy, “There is no light without shadow and no psychic wholeness without imperfection.”

With shadow work, we become whole to live a more authentic and fulfilling life.