I called it, Ruan Mei is deranged and shady as hell

Letter To Democrats

I felt the need to do something besides raising awareness of environmental, indigenous, and socio-economic issues. I’ve decided to compose and then mail multiple printed copies of a letter to multiple politicians across the USA. I did wonder if I should copy-and-paste the letter to social media profiles like I did for the one that I wrote to President Biden. Ultimately, I decided that posting the letter would serve two purposes. First, I wanted to let indigenous activists know that they have another willing accomplice. Second, this could provide a decent template for anyone who also feels a need to write to political leaders and put pressure on them to take much-needed action. Without any further ado…

Greetings,

I am writing a generic letter to send to assorted politicians across the United States. For reasons that I will articulate over the course of this letter, I felt a serious need to address as many members of the American political leadership as possible. I do not intend to call you out personally. If you do take it as a personal callout, please consider why you feel that way.

The reports of wildfires, heat waves, and floods have filled many, many observers with existential terror. Some have even expressed utter despair over whether the world will be inhabitable by any form of life. At times I have been tempted to join the despair, to give up hope of ever leaving a beautiful legacy for future generations. For the sake of all the people of the world, I must fight that temptation. I need to do my part to fight for the future.

There are a large number of activists trying to protect the environment. However, they need help from people who have the power to make really concrete changes. That is why I am writing to you and other Democratic politicians. That does sound very partisan, but the sad fact is that the Republican party is almost a lost cause at this point. I wish to be proven wrong about that. The fact is that it already engaged in brutal obstruction during the Obama administration. A sinister side to the base already started emerging during that time as well. With the rise of Donald Trump, the much of its leadership and nearly all of its electoral base have become increasingly unwilling to offer the kind of compromise needed for a functional democracy.

The Democratic party as a whole has been criticized as very weak in opposing the radicalizing Republican Party. The current President has spoken of a desire for restoring national unity. That desire is certainly laudable in itself when Trump blatantly stoked resentment and division. Again, however, the Republican party and its core supporters have shown a complete unwillingness to work with any opponents in any way. They view their opponents as subversive enemies that need to be crushed underfoot. The Republican party has inched towards neo-fascism at a time when neo-fascism is mainstreaming around the world. The Republican party has also already been beholden to the selfish interests of major corporations for decades. It even seeks to magnify the already dire influence of corporations chiefly responsible for pollution. Its propaganda outlets outright deny pollution and mislead millions of people.

Some Democratic politicians have also been criticized as going along with corporate interests and watering down legislation meant to oppose corporate influence. By now it has become clear that corporate elites do not have the safety of the world and its human and nonhuman denizens in mind. By now it has become clear that they must be reined in for the greater good. The only language that major corporations even comprehend is money. Here I arrive at the first main point of this letter: I urge you to work with other Democratic leaders to divest from major corporations and their executives, especially those most directly responsible for polluting the Earth. I’ve also seen proposals that corporations be forced to contribute to removing as much pollution as possible. Quickening the transition away from fossil fuels is crucial.

However, alternate energy sources are not enough. Switching from gas-powered cars to electric cars is not enough. Building solar or wind farms in place of coal-burning power plants is not enough. Extraction and consumption cause their own serious problems. The problem of environmental degradation has roots that are far too deep and complicated to address here, though I will touch upon one later. Going hand-in-hand with corporate influence are the bad social and urban infrastructures that do not encourage sustainable lifestyles. I barely even know where to begin in this regard. Cities are too often built for cars and not people. Most people have to drive carbon-spewing cars to work at jobs that are not well-suited to their needs in order to pay their bills and feed their families. Too many people are left in poverty or near-poverty, some people are more-or-less isolated in suburbs, and a tiny handful are virtually untouchable in their wealth and privilege. Healthy food is not always accessible, and even when it is, it often has to be shipped very far from the source.

My second main point is this: in addition to transitioning to cleaner energy, the very infrastructure of our society needs to reformed. Local communities need to be lifted up so that they can better care for themselves without the need for distant figures constantly having to provide for them through convoluted supply chains. It’s true that right-wingers speak of “small government” with the unspoken agenda of leaving corporate oligarchs and ultra-conservative clergy to rule over ordinary human beings. Nonetheless, I believe that, at this point, government needs to assist in rebuilding communities so that they can eventually leave denizens to stand on their feet and care for each other. The pandemic, along with the poor responses of many local officials, has shown the need for communities to engage in mutual care.

I will confess that this exhortation is the vaguest one in this letter. I lack in-depth education on such matters. I bring it up in order to further nudge you in a direction that would be far better for the Earth and its people. I can offer one example of what must be done that is slightly clearer: helping communities establish gardens and small-scale farms to better feed themselves.

On a very important side note, this nation needs to divest from the military as well. The largest and most powerful military in history is known to be among the largest polluters on earth. Too many politicians seem to ignore how massive the military already is an insist on subsidizing it at the cost of actually building a peaceful and prosperous society.

I further wish to discuss the need to center indigenous peoples in renewing our society. No, I am no indigenous myself. I simply wish to point to their wisdom. Yes, the sagely magical Indian who is one with Mother Earth is a crude stereotype, and I have no intention of reinforcing it. With that said, I follow a number of indigenous writers, activists, spiritualists, and influencers on social media. I learned about how many indigenous people are attempting to reconnect to previously outlawed and hidden heritages. The stereotype could be rooted in reality.

In most cases, those heritages include animistic spiritualities, in which aspects of the natural world, from plants to animals to waters to stones, are seen as having spirits. Furthermore, these aspects of the natural world are seen as relatives to humans. I should note how some well-meaning white people, wishing to bond with the earth instead of submitting to organized religion, appropriate these indigenous spiritualties and associated practices. Indigenous writers will encourage such people to instead delve into their own pre-Christian heritages, which have similar animistic philosophies, however obscured by time they may be. I have actually been doing just that—though I won’t elaborate because I don’t want to center myself.

You may be asking, what is the relevance said common thread of the spiritualities of indigenous peoples? That animism seems to go hand-in-hand with methods of land care that developed over generations of trial and error, along with the principles behind those methods. With the subjugation and expulsion (and worse) of the land’s original caretakers, though, these practices fell into obscurity. The most dramatic example, perhaps, is the suppression of controlled burnings on the western coastline leading to the wildfires that we have seen in recent years. Indeed, the different lands of different indigenous nations need their own subtly distinct approaches, based on ecosystems, geographies, local histories, and general senses of place. Indigenous activists and figureheads are calling upon governments to heed their words on not only conservation but also regeneration.

One of the main demands that indigenous activists make is for the return of their lands, full sovereignty over them, and the facilitation of cultural revival. Yes, that is a very simple manner of justice and righting a historic wrong. It has become evident that their wisdom is a crucial piece of the puzzle of solving environmental problems as well. Simple “colorblind” or “globalized” liberalism won’t suffice when working for social or environmental justice. Indigenous activists argue that colonialism is at the root of so many of our world’s problems. Many of them even outright state that the “colonial state” in itself is a problem. I can see how colonialism has promoted the rise of an all-devouring capitalism and perpetuated it. The grim historical fact of how the enslavement of Black people and the elimination of indigenous peoples contributed to building this nation remains a grim historical fact.

I myself am figuring out the world and learning many truths, but I am sympathetic to people who have borne the brunt of colonialism. I welcome the humanistic achievements of modernity and utterly oppose fundamentalism and fascism, I assure you, but I’ve come to accept that the modern world is broken. Simple progress won’t heal the world. “Big government” certainly has a role to play in mobilizing the needed social changes, such as what I’ve alluded to above, but the “colonial state” needs to ultimately divest its own power.

I’ll try to summarize my points now. Major corporations and economic elites need to be drastically reined in and disempowered (along with the military). The transition to renewable energies needs to be quickened—but also needs to be accompanied by drastic changes to infrastructures and supply chains so as to result in less extraction and consumption. Localized communities need to be empowered so they can better care for themselves without much out faraway aid. Indigenous peoples need to be given their lands back, be elevated to leadership roles in caring for and regenerating said lands, and be empowered so they can rebuild their cultures. Settlers should learn from them as well. In the end, the state and the socio-economic system that it has upheld need to recede—not for billionaires or grand inquisitors or dictators, but for ordinary people and the earth. In truth, humans are meant to be a part of nature, and the generational challenge is for humanity to reconcile with the rest of nature.

This all may sound idealistic or radical. This past summer has shown us that we shouldn’t settle for anything less than radical social change. This nation, which has been a major world power for over a century, needs to be radically reimagined. This all may sound vague as well. I have little education in politics and governance apart from what I’ve tried to learn for myself across the internet. That is all the more reason for people like you—people with more real-world power than I—to push along radical social change. This letter is meant to raise awareness of your duty as a leader. A leader is meant to be a guide, not a dominator. There’s a chance that you could be recorded in history as a leader who did what was necessary to make the world’s healing and renewal possible.

Thank you.

You may call me Brian Solomon Whiterose.

The Megxit Drama

A peek at Meghan Markle’s chart

The British Royal Family has certainly been the subject of dramatic events recently – Prince Harry and Meghan Markle doing an interview with Oprah in order to explain their break with “family”, royal duties and royal life – revealing quite unsavory things sufficient to depict the firm, staff and members of the family in a bad light. Essentially, Meghan was retelling her traumatic experiences of being treated unfairly, feeling trapped, being subjected to racism, getting no help in times of emotional crisis and robbed of freedom, while her husband Harry passively went along confirming all of it. Whatever the truth is, they certainly painted themselves as victims – compassionate and good-natured. They attempted to remain respectful to the people involved in the story, yet if actions speak louder than words, they certainly weren’t particularly “respectful” by throwing the Royal Family under the bus with this interview. The couple has gotten a lot of backlash as people are disinclined to buy their narrative, partly because both seem to be quite self-serving under the guise of selflessness. Meghan made it clear during the interview that she didn’t know much about life as royalty and went into it all surprisingly clueless, almost setting herself up for disappointment. One could assume that by committing to such a structured existence as becoming a royal, that one would do the homework and at the very least expect to give up the privilege of being “an ordinary person” in favor of being of service. The British Monarchy obviously has symbolic value more than anything else, which is not to say that it’s unimportant or trivial. Symbols carry meaning and the Royal Family upholds that meaning through attempting to embody it physically. The members are not supposed to be inflated and begin to believe that they in and of themselves are princes and princesses or whatever titles they are given. They are supposed to serve the titles rather than the titles serving them.  In becoming a part of this symbol of divine reign, one merges with something far greater than the limited self. One serves to uphold an image that is immortal, ancient and has a function in the psyche of the British people. I dare assume that Meghan didn’t fully grasp this concept and went into it all with far more attitude than people would like – perhaps understandably so considering her lack of experience of monarchy. Prince Harry seemingly got pulled along with it all, presumably wanting to rescue his wife from that which killed his mother while piggybacking on the momentum of the situation and metaphorically breaking free from the “limiting container” of the institution. Harry said in the interview that he felt sorry for his father and his brother being trapped by their roles, which seems like a desperate attempt to try to gain some significance, to end up in the role of the hero and avoid living in the “shadow” of more prominent members of the family. People generally seek significance in some way and will come up with the most creative attempts to cast themselves in the role of superiority, whether it’s through victimhood, humility, bravery, sacrifice or anything else that elevates the self in some way. Whether someone’s behavior stems from an attempt to make up for the lack within or not can be hard to spot, but considering the skepticism the interview has been met with – and the scrutiny (and ridicule) that it has been exposed to – it is safe to say that people’s gut feeling tells them that something is not quite right.

(The chart of Meghan Markle on astrotheme.com)

Meghan Markle has been accused of a lot of things, of twisting the truth, of exaggerating in order to further her own agenda, of being self-serving and manipulative. Some call her “narcissistic” – which is the “usual” label thrown at anyone who lacks genuine care for others, stirs up drama and drags other people through the mud in order to benefit themselves. However, her behavior might not be intentional, but compulsive. After all, no one is 100% sure of why they’re the way they are, whether it’s deemed good or bad by society at large. Where the line is drawn between intentional and unintentional is unclear, yet the odors of shady business and dishonorable motives can be sensed – and people don’t usually like being “sold” something that isn’t what it seems. Generally people don’t appreciate being deceived, which is obviously why the backlash has been so extreme.

She has quite a charming and radiating outer appearance, which is typical of someone with their Sun in the 1st, and in its domicile at that. She also has the sweet and innocent “puppy eyed” look of a Cancer Rising, which displays emotion and vulnerability. It’s not surprising that she pursued an acting career before meeting Harry. The spotlight-seeking Leo Sun in the 1st house of self, the Moon-Saturn-Jupiter stellium in the artistic sign of Libra in the 3rd house of communication and (inter)action, as well as the boundless imaginative Neptune in the 5th house of creativity all contribute to the personality of the actress. Considering that she has an emphasis on Leo and Libra, it’s safe to say that she was in it for the refinement, admiration and class that being an actress could provide. She thrives on positive attention, and is undoubtedly sensitive to discord. With a Cancer Rising and a Libra Moon, she craves gentility and fairness, for everything to be “ok” socially. Cancer is a cardinal sign, and although it’s quite emotional, it’s also very active and motivated to create safety for the self. It does this by avoiding direct confrontation, of appealing to people’s caring side. There’s nothing wrong with this, but people might feel as if the Cancer Rising person’s innocence is “put on”. In the interview, Meghan had no problem displaying her own weakness and emphasizing her own vulnerability. She used these attributes to gain esteem, whereas another person of a different nature, with different archetypes protruding, would’ve felt humiliated leading life with that energy. Her Moon is her chart ruler, which makes her emotions the primary focus – in other words her subjective experiences, mutual care, needs and requirements is particularly emphasized in her life. The Moon is in Libra, the cardinal air sign that strives for balance and justice and awareness - especially as it relates to interpersonal relationships. Libra is famous for wanting to keep everything “civilized” and “respectful”. The tight Moon-Saturn-Jupiter conjunction in this sign points to emotional exaggeration (Jupiter) and restriction (Saturn). By entering into a relationship/business deal (Libra) she experienced harshness around her emotions (Moon-Saturn) on a grand scale (Jupiter). On a side note, Capricorn rules the 7th house, indicating that she encounters discipline and structure through partnership. The institution and structure (Saturn) that she entered into through her marriage with Harry (Capricorn in the 7th) would challenge her emotions (Moon) and it put limits on her freedom (Jupiter-Saturn) and affected her overall health (Sagittarius in the 6th).

Meghan has an Aries Midheaven, indicating that her career involves breaking new territory, doing her own thing, leading her own way. This usually doesn’t go over very well when attempting to work for authority. The person usually becomes frustrated and eager to venture out on his or her own. This is exactly what has happened. Her Moon-Saturn-Jupiter conjunction in Libra opposes her MC in Aries, which perfectly points to her attempts to keep things civil and non-aggressive (Libra), while coming off as selfish and individualistic to the public (Aries). Aries as a sign is famous for not listening to anyone and moving into unpaved territory, which she certainly has accomplished. The public now sees her as someone who goes her own way – doing her own thing and standing up for herself, for better or for worse. Her Mars is in Cancer, which is why her aggression isn’t direct and rather passively expressed. She has the stereotypical female aggressiveness that implies playing on one’s weakness and hurt in order to wear down the target. It’s also in the 12th house, which hints to it being disowned by the conscious personality. Meghan might have a hard time conceptualizing of herself as a force of impact and might not see how her pent up frustration might become an enemy to herself. She has complained about feeling attacked by the media and this is classic of a 12th house Mars attributing aggressiveness to anything but the self. Attack and unpleasantness seem to flood the person from the unspecified sources, and it can arguable be a horrific experience. In the interview she mentioned feeling suicidal at one point and desperate to not be alone with the threat coming from the outside, her own mind, or both. It’s difficult to attribute the cause to any single factor with planets in the 12th. Mars squares her MC and her Moon-Saturn-Jupiter conjunction which indicates struggle in the psyche concerning her emotional involvement with structure and beliefs, vs. her public image vs. her own fighting spirit. She certainly has confronted and challenged established structure (Mars square Saturn), albeit with an attempt to be “respectful” resulting in a passive-aggressive understanding of everyone’s difficulties and struggles.

The thing that drew her to The Royal Family in the first place must’ve been her Libran urge for class, style, aestheticism and beauty. She undoubtedly found it glamorous and exciting to get to be in the spotlight, to be respected as part of something elevated and glamorous in nature. She probably has a need for spiritual meaning, indicated by her Moon-Jupiter contact – and to have her daily work based on sharing “truth” and “generous” disposal of knowledge gained through experience (Sagittarius in the 6th). She also craves structure and order indicated by her Moon-Saturn contact, which she pursued through partnership (Capricorn in the 7th) with a member of a family with unparalleled saturnian streaks of tradition, custom and regulations. To establish herself within the family would not have been such a terrible idea for her because it could’ve met all of her needs for purpose and order. However, her Mars in the 12th house didn’t allow for this plan to work. One could say that her own self-serving function rebelled after having yielded to outside influences for too long. Planets in the 12th house are usually “given up” to whatever circumstance one is in – which often results in the person acting through being “overcome” by something - pushed into a position of having to act. Meghan declared feeling imposed on by the outside, emotionally unsafe and unwell. The 12th house is the house of self-undoing after all, and her actions might’ve proven to be quite detrimental - perhaps continuing to be. Square aspects, as that between her Mars and Moon-Saturn-Jupiter conjunction stimulates action because it’s indicative of friction. She had to fight (Mars) for her needs (Moon), control and integrity (Saturn) and for her beliefs (Jupiter).

The thing that we won’t have a roose chapter it’s kinda sad. Like we will never know if doing certain things (like the red wedding) didn’t minimally affect him or otherwise. Like we can’t forget that he doesn’t EXPRESS his feelings not that he hasn’t any. I know Brabrey said this specifically but as wise she is she can’t read others mind. I’m not justifying any action I’m only saying it would be interesting finding out he actually “gives shit” about things he did. And I know the probabilities of this being true are very low, but as a person myself who has difficulties to express my emotions and seems apathic to others while I feel emotions with the same intensity as everyone I was curious.

Oooh now that you sent your second ask the original one appeared! My reply got a little long; I will use quotes from your ask as “chapter headers” for the different topics so it is easier to understand.

“We will never know if doing certain things (like the red wedding) didn’t minimally affect him or otherwise. [...] I’m not justifying any action I’m only saying it would be interesting finding out he actually “gives shit” about things he did.”

I don't think Roose feels *bad* about the red wedding - he didn’t have to do it after all, it's not like he was under coercion or threat of his life; arguably the entire thing wouldnt have worked without having a strong northern traitor. While Robb's cause was a losing one and this influenced Roose to turn cloak after weighing the alternatives, Roose was not in danger under Robb and his betrayal appears to have been about both minimizing his waste of resources in a losing cause as well as the advantages he can get from this new alliance and what Tywin offers.

Roose appears to fundamentally be a selfish man, who decides his actions after what will give him the most benefit at the smallest risk to his own person. Any regrets i imagine he might feel (this could be what you meant in your ask) would be not on a moral level, but rather about mistakes he made that led him into a position that might not end well for him, and the danger he has gotten himself into.

Roose Bolton said nothing at all. But Theon Greyjoy saw a look in his pale eyes that he had never seen before—an uneasiness, even a hint of fear.  - aDwD

Roose to me represents the worst of feudalism, and the epitome of how someone turns out who is raised at the top of this society and with an unchallenged privilege. He has no respect for the autonomy of the people below him in hierarchy, and sees politics and the power at his hand as a tool to benefit himself first and foremost.

“We can’t forget that he doesn’t EXPRESS his feelings not that he hasn’t any.”

Agreed - for all that he is evil and callous i believe it is shown that he has feelings and emotions, which he generally hides under a mask.

Roose Bolton's own face was a pale grey mask, with two chips of dirty ice where his eyes should be. - aDwD

We know he feels fear about his crumbling political situation, he feels fondness for Walda, he appears to talk about Domeric with affection, he is amused enough by Arya not to punish her, he refuses to break the taboo of kinslaying, and something drives him to keep Ramsay around even though it is not advantageous rationally. He has his wants and needs, he has societal expectations he adheres to (like the expectation to continue his family line), he has a distaste for being disrespected...

As an example of him showing emotion, in the Red Wedding itself i believe grrm intentionally contrasts his behaviour with the prior Jaime chapter: where in his dialogue with Jaime he seems relaxed, talks a lot and is shown enjoying his food, in the Red Wedding he is quiet and doesn’t eat much while exchanging subtle threats with Lord Walder. This appears to show that he was indeed stressed in this high-stakes situation and aware of the danger he was in. Note that the quote from aDwD about him showing fear also explicitly points out that he says "nothing at all" in a time of stress, paralleling his lack of dialogue during the RW chapter. (Catelyn is depressed and so probably not talkative, but he also doesnt engage in dialogue with his wife despite her “chatter”).

I wont expand on it too much in this post for length's sake, but i think it is also likely that Roose shares traits with Ramsay in terms of emotionality (which he then hides under his “mask”, as opposed to his openly emotional son); For example his behaviour of not tolerating disrespect and taking what is "his" in the event with the miller's wife. Some i also briefly touched upon in this meta.

“I know Brabrey said this specifically but as wise she is she can’t read others mind.”

In “The Prince of Winterfell”, Barbrey has a long paragraph about her opinion on Roose. As this is her first longer scene, it is my opinion that her entire long dialogue scene with Theon is meant not only to show insight into some of the characters she talks about, but also about her own character; since the way someone talks about people shows how they think.

The negative way she talks about Roose ( “Roose has no feelings, you see.”) seems to be informed by several things:

- Obviously, his callous and selfish personality and lack of morals

- The fact that Barbrey and Roose clearly have history. Considering that Roose now has Ramsay as his heir, and Barbrey loathes Ramsay for what she believes is his fault in Domeric's death, Barbrey likely harbors some resentment against Roose for this move. This likely boosts her opinion that he is completely emotionless and only "plays with [people]" without caring for them. Her line "He does not love, he does not hate, he does not grieve" seems to contain a certain bitterness, and i believe it at least partially refers to their personal history (one could try to continue her words: he does not love [Barbrey], he does not hate [Ramsay], he does not grieve [Domeric].).

- Barbrey calls Theon's heart "craven and cringing", she calls Wyman Manderly "craven to the bone, that one", and she holds a grudge against Eddard for what he did to her without presenting much understanding for his side of the story. I believe she has a tendency to have a slightly superficial view of people or at least to talk badly about these superficial aspects, informed among other things by their appearance (Ned and Roose are plain, Theon and Wyman have physical deficiencies) and presentation (the colder Roose/Ned vs the outgoing wolf-blooded Brandon), and by the slights she perceived they did to her. She also has a tendency to scapegoat people to cope with grief, like hating on Rickard’s maester for Brandon's marriage.

So while she is right about Roose' callousness and moral bankruptcy and has some correct statements, as a fallible character (as opposed to the all-knowing author) she likely somewhat designs her view of him to fit her own narrative and worldview. So while she is an enticing source since she is close to him, her view on him should be taken with a grain of salt the same way she is not 100% correct about people like Ned or Wyman. Some things she says can be argued with through character analysis, and some things we have concrete quotes we can contrast: For example while she says "I think [Roose] would be pleased if the fat man attempted some betrayal", we know that Roose is in fact worried and bothered by the prospect, and in his dialogue to Ramsay it reads like he describes the unfaithfulness of his allies as threatening instead of an amusement. She also theorizes Roose wants to be king in the north, which seems like an impossible plan in his current political situation and nothing we had any hints towards so far in his scenes (I sometimes like to muse it might have been a reference to grrm's plans for the five year gap).

So basically what i would love a Roose PoV for is turning all the "apparently"s and "maybe"s from my metas into either confident statements or to deconfirm them... Showing some more of his view on the world, some more of his past, how he really feels about people without filtering it through dialogue and political goals... His worries, his anger, his happiness, raw and unfiltered... His long scene with Theon in Reek III practically doubles as half a PoV chapter because of the insane amounts of exposition in his dialogue (Theon barely talks or thinks for pages while Roose talks), but it is still filtered through Theon's impression of him and the agenda Roose might have behind his spoken words to present himself in a certain way.

I like to analyze his character from his lines in the book, and what few quotes I find by grrm in the So Spake Martin collection round out my impression of him well, but I would love to have a view inside his head to really get to the meat of it, and get a view of his true personality without the help of assumptions and implications.

.hamartia. ‘Part 3,

Pairing: Yoongi x Reader (f) x Taehyung (?)

Genre: Mafia!Au, Fluff, Angst (Mostly angst oopsies) I DO NOT CONDONE BEHAVIOR DISPLAYED IN THIS, PLEASE IT’S FICTION AND DON’T DO STUPID THINGS THANK YOU

Plot: Y/N is a skilled, well, torturer, though you don’t like to call yourself that; it makes what you do too real. When mafia boss Yoongi wants information or wants a hostage to suffer, you step in. However, one fateful day you are thrown Taehyung, another person who does your line of work. You need answers, he is determined not to give them to you. That’s when you try...a different approach, and Yoongi is not pleased.

Rating: TV-MA

WARNINGS: YO IF YOU’RE NOT COOL WITH SUBTLE BI AGENDAS THEN I’M SORRY THIS IS NOT THE PLACE FOR YOU, Blood, torture, mafia things (ya know?), drugs alcohol, sadistic tendencies, a fundamentally flawed main character (I’m sorry i’m just writing myself pretty much), assault, harassment, stalking (not bad), romance (somehow), Maybe stockholm syndrome???

Word Count: 1.2k words I’m sorry this one is sorta short :(

A/N: I am...exhausted today. Please please be aware, this chapter has dark themes. If you are sensitive to su*cide and otherwise, this may be a little dark for you. I will mark out the scene where it’s mentioned, however. 

Other:

Masterlist 

Prologue | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Next

Avoir le mal de quelqu’qun

~(phr.)intensely missing someone so much, it literally makes you sick. 

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It took two doses of the sleeping meds to put him to sleep. Taehyung was so resistant, despite you continuously proving you had good intentions over the past few days. You glared at his now unconscious body. You knew he probably couldn’t hear you, but you spoke to him all the while as you bustled around the room. 

“Ah, taehyung, it’s so good to have you here. I just know you’ll love the new room.” You mused. 

The only reason it had taken a few days for anything to physically change in his treatment, was because Yoongi refused to give him a bedroom upstairs. When you had fired back with “My job is to get information, you never said how.”, he relented. Though, he had questioned if you thought this was worth it. You could have sworn there was a hint of jealousy in his voice, but you dismissed it out of hand. Now, your eyes swept around the luxurious room. It was one of many spares, and it was right across the hall from yours. 

“I hope you like the room color.” You looked around at the dark navy blue walls. “I picked it out thinking of you.” You said, almost as if you were to be husband and wife. not captor and hostage. 

You had also spent the past few days redesigning the layout of the room. Instead of keeping him in a cage like an animal, you decided to give him a doghouse. Comfortable, but still, very much a cage. The windows were now plastic with several layers of it too. If he wanted fresh air, he could open the small side window. It was barely big enough to fit a hand through, much less a person. He had a desk in the far right corner and the bed face the right as well, head board resting on the left wall. There was a nice carpet on the floor, but no rugs or anything. If he was as dangerous as Yoongi led you to believe, you knew he could probably do any multitude of things with limited resources. You made sure to check and double check the room for any potential issues. 

There was a tooth brush, blunt, not very stabby, and a hair brush in the bathroom. The desk held no writing utensils, just paper. You decided that if he wanted to write, you would have someone watch him carefully while he did so. There were no light fixtures on the ceiling to prevent suicide and there were no mirrors. There were no locks except on the main door, and he couldn’t control that one. All furniture was bolted to the floor to make it so he couldn’t prevent anyone from entering the room by barricading himself in. 

You had trouble reading him, despite getting to know him better recently. He rarely spoke to you or Jimin. Speaking of which, the silver haired male strutted into the room behind you. He also did a check and nodded. With that, you untied Taehyung and with the help of Jimin, you hoisted him onto the bed. You both set to work tucking him in. Then you placed the loose chain around his ankles onto him and pocketed the key. The chain was long enough that he could go anywhere in the room without any issue, and it was loose enough that he hopefully wouldn’t notice it much. Still, it was a safety precaution. You watched his sleeping form for a moment before your eyes flicked away. He looked so peaceful and innocent. 

You had come to realize that Mr. Kim Taehyung was anything but innocent. He had yet to tell you his real job, but he alluded to a much more serious job than a low level drug dealer when you spoke to him. You and Jimin quietly left the room. There were security cameras in three corners of the room and a hidden one in the wall sconce if he managed to disable the others. You made sure no blindspots were left. 

Jimin turned to you, a small smile on his face. 

“If this works, I want you to re-evaluate how we do things.” He said calmly. 

“What? Really?” Your eyes narrowed at the idea. You had done things differently before, but you didn’t like how that turned out.

“We don’t have to be inhumane and barbaric. I mean, you know I’ve always hated this. The only reason I’m here is because of you and the others.” He explained sheepishly. He scratched the back of his head. “I could leave at any time, I have the means.” 

It was like a slap in the face. You knew he was never happy with his situation, but you had begun to think he had accepted it. After all, he carried out your commands without flinching now. You cared for him as a partner and friend. You didn’t want him to leave. He understood that you would be alone if he left, he knew that. Yoongi was practically just a stranger to you now; a stranger you knew a lot more about than you should. And Jimin...Jimin was a source of comfort for you. He was too good to be in this world of filth.

Hesitantly, you place your hands on his shoulders. 

“Okay.” You relented. Anything to get him to stay. “Just don’t up and leave me, please.” You said softly. You couldn’t tell if you were a monster or a human capable of love; a very damaged human. Maybe all monsters were damaged human beings. 

-

-

Su*cidal Thoughts WARNING (Please, as someone who has struggled with these thoughts, please please please reach out to someone.) Hotlines

“Y/N, you need to stop this nonsense, really.” Yoongi, remained calm, absolutely still. He suspected this was just another mental breakdown of yours. “Love, just, just step back over the railing, let’s talk about this.” 

“Yoongi.” Your voice quivered. You turned from your spot on the balcony. You were on the other side of the railing, arms out behind you, gripping on for dear life. Below was a long drop to darkness. When you turned to look at him, your eyes were wet and your nose pink from crying. Inside felt eerily still, as if this was meant to be. Your body longed for the ground below. “Yoongi, I’m a monster. I can’t live with myself knowing what I’ve done to these people.” You whispered, worried the night wind would take your breath away. 

Yoongi had always known you were on the edge of sanity. He had asked you to take a break, to which you had refused. Still, every time he saw you on the balcony, in that bathtub, on that chair, his heart dropped. Did he have any right to keep holding onto you anymore? Could he keep doing this? Maybe it was best if he helped you get away from this life. But his selfishness, his greed to keep you to himself was too great. 

He had been in that place, over the railing, on the chair, in the tub. Now, he peered into your eyes, breath catching and wondering if this was it. Would this be the time he lost you? It seemed death longed for you as much as he did and between that war, where did you fall? Where was your humanity; your opinion? 

“I love you, Y/N.” He uttered those words a million times and each seemed to carry a different tone. He took another hesitant step forward. You turned back around with a grimace, looking at the fall below. You hadn’t been scared of heights, but now you shook. Was this right? Where else would you go if you didn’t end this here. What other purpose did you have besides misery? And at that moment, it felt like you had struck a deal with the devil. 

You could cause misery, lots of it. You didn’t climb back over that railing because of Yoongi rushing to you, hugging you, and whispering I Love Yous. No, You climbed over that railing a new woman. It was a sharp turn. You took the innocent girl that was you, and you locked her in the closet while she was blissfully unaware. Even when she screamed to come out, you held the door shut. 

END of Su*cidal Thoughts 

-

-

You watched Kim Taehyung eagerly. It felt like when you planned a surprise part for a friend. You were awaiting a reaction. The surveillance room was dark as it was well past midnight. Jimin was asleep on the couch behind you. 

“Psst.” You turned around and nudged him with a shoe. “I think he’s waking up.” 

Jimin jolted awake, seemingly dazed for a few seconds as he fought to regain a sense of his surroundings. 

“I see.” He yawned loudly and stretched his hands upwards. He then stood and leaned over you as you studied the screen. Taehyung seemed surprised, an eyebrow jerking upwards. You saw him take note of the room, a very observant creature indeed. You then saw him look at each surveillance camera, no doubt wondering how to disable them. Then you saw him stand and move towards the bathroom. You didn’t have surveillance there as you had a little decency. But he didn’t know that. You sat back, watching his explore the room. He half-heartedly shook his ankle, seeing how loose it was. Then he made his way to the desk. Upon seeing there were no utensils for writing, he scowled. He looked up to the blank ceiling, then back down to the bolted down furniture. 

“Funny.” He said, loud enough for the audio to pick him up. “You guys are smart. You planned well.” He ran a few fingers through his curly hair. Then he looked up at a camera. “It might take even me a few weeks to figure out how to escape.” 

You didn’t know whether to feel flattered or annoyed at his arrogance. YOu found yourself crossing your arms unhappily, even though he couldn’t see you. It still felt like he was staring into your soul through that camera. Jimin shooed you out of the seat and he sat down to work on other surveillance related things. You had gotten permission from Jin to use his surveillance room for the night and you crashed on the couch. It was surprisingly comfortable, no wonder Jimin fell asleep so quickly. You closed your eyes, feeling yourself drift off. 

Then you felt yourself falling. It was falling like you had dreamed of, a fall that landed on soft grass and the night sky above you as the world went black. It was all a fantasy, but your stomach churned this time as you felt your body in a free dive. You woke up with a start, breath heavy and labored. Jimin was resting at the surveillance desk, eyes barely open. 

You took in your surroundings. You weren’t falling. You were just fine... You carefully dug around the room that was packed with all sorts of things, and you found a blanket. You wrapped Jimin in the blanket and went about getting yourself comfortable. You had a feeling Mr. Kim wouldn’t be all too entertaining for the next few hours as he had managed to fall asleep again. You had no idea how he managed that when you couldn’t seem to go a few hours without waking up shaking. As you watched the two sleep, one on screen and one next to you, you smiled ever so slightly. Perhaps Jimin was right, maybe you really did need to re-evaluate. It was nice going to sleep without dried blood under your fingernails. 

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part 3, d o n e. I mean, not like you guys asked for it but I felt like it. Let me know your thoughts!

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Right, settle in folks, this is going to be a LONG post. I would first like to just note that Zack starts of as a youthful && naive  16 year old in the compilation && it ends when he’s 23 && jaded. So naturally he’s aged, developed && matured, a flaw he might have had when he was younger, might have softened by the time he’s 23, likewise, new flaws && issues might have crept up. 

This got super long so I put it under a read more. <3

It’s also impossible to address Zack’s flaws without also first talking a little about the world && influences around him.  The electrical company ShinRa have far reaching control. They are known to influence both children && adults through the use of propaganda such as; news, CHILDREN'S CARTOONS, advertising, just gas lighting the truth in general. They project their pro Shinra agenda by influencing the minds of the people. && when propaganda fails, they use force. 

To Zack, a child from a reactor village. [‘ Reactor outside Midgar means nothing else out there.’ ] There are very little opportunities offered.  Zack is 13 years old, He’s grown up on stories of HEROES, associating heroism with ShinRa’s SOLDIERS. [ This is a norm for many young boys. we see this in canon. ] Zack is both NAIVE && AMBITIOUS. While these traits might not necessarily be flaws, when contextualized with the world around him, it makes Zack the perfect victim to fall for Shinra’s propaganda, && becoming another tool that helps benefit ShinRa. 

His naivety coupled with his high ambition to succeed, makes him act recklessly [ a common occurrence.]  It prompts him to leave the safety of his home against his parents wishes, && willingly sign his life away to ShinRa.  He’s relentlessly HOPEFUL && that makes him assume the good in other people && the good in Shinra. Again this might not seem like a flaw, but people should always have a healthy degree of skepticism, this is something Zack will learn the hard way.  Zack’s world view for a long time is very clear black && white, he’s still a child && he sees everything as white && Black, Shinra is good, so any of their enemies should be the bad guys, fighting the bad guys makes him a hero..RIGHT? He fully believes in ShinRa, even after they use dangerous experiments to change && alter his body during the SOLDIER process. He believes in ShinRa because his ambition to be a hero, && his Good Vs Evil mentality blind sights him to the real reality. 

At 16: As a SOLDIER operative, Zack is shown to be rash, has a bit of an attitude && is shown to lose focus esaily.  You see this in his first opening cut scene in Crisis core, Zack is gets frustrated, && also doesn’t know when to stop. Arguing that he could have handled it, despite the Sephiroth VR model being 1 second from from ’ killing’ him.  Zack can be a little proud, he’s ARROGANT, in his skills, [ leads to him losing focus && getting himself in dangerous situations, but this could also be due to his recklessness. ] but also in his looks. [ He tends to be overly friendly && flirty. ]  You see him give Tseng attitude, getting a little prickly when Cloud makes fun of Gongaga. [ Again show casing his pride. ] 

But I think the biggest flaw at this point is still his relentless hopefulness.  I do believe that the best flaws characters can have are also their strengths. These things are often versatile && depending on the situation they can be your greatest strength or your weakness.  Zack is hopeful to the point where it puts him in danger && actually ends up putting his own DREAMS && MORALS in danger.  He’s a protector, he’s always been one, it’s the root for his aspiration to become a hero. 

At this moment however,  he wants to protect his mentor, his friends but he just doesn’t understand how. This to begin with is a strength, it’s all about the context after all. [ But i’ll touch upon this again later. ]   Zack wants to save Angeal, but he’s also still holding on to his belief system; a ultimate concept of right && wrong that’s been established in his childhood by ShinRa.  Zack may have started to become disillusioned with ShinRa, but he continually fails to act.  [ I can easily explain this by Zack being a teenager trying to survive in a complex adult  && corrupt world. ] Instead he bottles the uncertainty, he bottles up the negativity && plans on a smile . Zack’s main way to cope with this now as a teenager && again later when he’s an adult. IS TO IGNORE THE ISSUE && FIGHT ON ALONE. 

Crisis core primarily has issues beyond Zacks understanding && control constantly thrown at him, && having him deal with the aftermath. Zack not being proactive showcases his age but also once again showcases that blind hopefulness. He wants to cling to the hope that people are good, that ShinRa is good. && so he is inactive, he reacts to issues, but he never takes the first step forward, he bottles things down && toes the line till it’s too late && ShinRa takes that one step too far. 

Coming back to Zack is a protector concept. While that’s a strength && a great source of motivation earlier, it’s his undoing by the end of crisis core. Zack’s is determined to protect Cloud, [which i still think is a strength. ] when coupled with his ‘ i have to carry everything alone attitude.’ leads not only to his death, but also to him sacrificing his broken concept of heroism, killing others in order to insure his && Clouds survival. 

Now I know this is more a ramble than anything structured but I have one last point to make. Zack Fair is all heart, he’s very emotional && this gets him in trouble When he gets Aerith’s last letter he acts on his emotional need for comfort instead of a wiser more tactical approach that would insure his survival.  I haven’t talked nearly enough about all his flaws, but if I did, i’d be here all day. But Zack Fair is;  reckless, ambitious, arrogant, he can be selfish, sometimes a little conceited, NAIVE,  overly hopeful, he has one heck of an attitude, && can also be pretty prideful. He sometimes ignores others personal space, he’s overly friendly && often hides his own sadness behind smiles. he is reckless && a kind of a show off. He’s got a lot of strengths && normally these merge with his weaknesses. 

pat here that was a great read I'm sorry I was so confusing I want to clear up that I have no issue with voting Biden he is who is needed to be president right now of the options we have I have no doubt. He's not perfect as you said but I don't understand those who say they are the same. I am going to take a couple asks to hopefully be clearer about what I was attempting to say feel free to ignore if I'm repeating myself but please know I've never even considered not voting Biden once he was it

you've made some great points so some of what I was thinking may be invalid now, I'm a fairly new voter I'm not totally familiar with the process yet. I was trying to say as someone in the christian circle I know a lot of people who know trump is a bad person yet are lining up to vote for him anyway due almost entirely to wanting to see abortion overturned. These are people who would (obviously wrongly) consider themselves loving and kind people ignoring the many of their values for 1 issue. yes, I agree this is a common source of confusion for me in terms of right-wing voters abortion is about control especially to the men in charge and many others its also about life I know lots of women and I'm sure there are men, who really believe the stories about babies fighting while being aborted. its the defining issue of the party but the people are coming out to vote for whatever benefits they think anti abortion laws will bring them at least that's the experience with the people around me, it might not be universal no, I think you’re right about that. but I also think that is generally how things tend to go; we could probably look back at history and see people choosing their stances on one “hot” issue. say, prohibition, for example.

so when I say the left is fractured I mean that we want health care we want action on climate change we want something to be done about policing but we don't agree on how it should be accomplished and I have seen many people outright refuse to vote for Biden because he doesn't offer every single thing they are looking for on every issue on these issues. Thats what I was trying to say by saying its fractured. I am refraining from trashing Biden/dems during this particular time because I don’t think it serves a purpose, especially since the GOP agenda is much more concerning, but yes, once the election is over we should continue to be critical of policy decisions because to me voting 3rd cause Biden changed some of the GND is so selfish yet they are so like my grandmother believes trump was anointed by god to stop abortion yikes (and end the world??) and so though she's conflicted cause she knows he's bad she'll ultimately vote for him due to that. My long winded point (lmao) was I think there are many like her and they don't see they are being used (they aren't victims they are very complicit in his evil but I think trump takes advances of easy targets and pandering to christians is one of those targets) “trump” aka every GOP lawmaker I don't see the right struggle so hard with the 3rd party or not voting and so I wondered if the GOP lawmakers are actively not seeing through one of the core party values in order to keep the party together and voting for them, (they are a mess but they are typically a mess that agrees I think? cause they are selfish and the inconsistent policies consistently benefit only them) only one more left I promise god I'm so sorry I'm insufferable I at least hope this all made more sense 

last one, maybe my flaw is that its just trump who has no intention of overturning abortion yes, this is a major flaw in your reasoning. we’ll discuss (there is no way he was anointed by god!!) and is using it for reelection maybe other lawmakers actually want too and he's held them up idk I think you already answered how i'm wrong anyway aha but I wanted to clear up 2 party system sucks but its not what I was mad about and I am very very clear about voting Biden and I hope I didn't make it seem like people shouldn't!!! please folks vote early & safely the conversation took a slight turn after your asks which is why I wrote my follow-up, but thanks for clarification!

I realized everything I wrote is still probably confusing just ignore it my adhd mind connects things that make like no sense cause its dumb sorry to waste your time! It was a general musing I had like wow how can a chunk of the left take their rights so for granted they'd not vote Biden cause he's not perfect. yes this is a fair source of confusion. people are astoundingly selfish, it’s wild I wonder if the GOP lawmakers see that and purposely don't pass a core issue so their base doesn't get apathetic one day too oof, I wish, but no & I like u so I shared 😂😂 thank you! it’s not a problem to ask, and I’m glad you took the time to clarify.

here is my original answer, with this portion of your question answered in this video; I went off for a bit on a tangent about how abortion politics have basically led to the alienation of women who suffer miscarriages because of recent events on the subject, so I hope you know you’re definitely not the only one who has general musings that can sometimes go on for a bit

Your Life Matters

The way my personality works is that, unfortunately, I care too much; I care to a fault. I love everyone; black, white, tanned, rainbow coloured… It doesn’t matter to me if you have translucent flesh and come from outer space. I don’t care what your skin looks like and I don’t care where you originate from. I don’t care if you’re human, animal or plant. All living things are equally important in their own way. 

There are millions of people who feel the same way as I do. Unfortunately, they are the ones who go noticed because we are too busy focusing our attention on those who make the most noise. We allow the squeaky wheel to capture our attention and manipulate our emotions.

The problem with caring to excess is that these emotions can easily override my sense of what is actually real, which means I end up suffering for no reason. Additionally, as a result of failing to examine my own mental and emotional processes, I put myself at risk of being blindly led to fulfill the selfish agendas of those who really couldn’t give a shit about me (or anyone else, for that matter).

I found the antidote to my excessive care in the practice of an equal amount of reason and logic. I study the facts and then some... I examine statistics before I can allow myself to form an opinion on anything. It is necessary, and the only way to function as a “normal” person in today’s world where we are constantly inundated with information (not all of which is factual, and much of which is based on people’s egos and the desperate need to appear like a moral human being.) It is called people pleasing. Therein lies the danger of following the crowd – people’s motivations are hidden, even to themselves. The result is not good.

If this movement is not about an innocent man being murdered by a corrupt cop, but rather, a black man being murdered by a white man. If this is about the police brutality and the justice system being fundamentally racist. If every single member of these institutions (including blacks, women and those who identify as LGBT) are racist. Then why are black people attacking everybody, without consideration or mercy? Worse yet, why are we actively encouraging it?

Why are we saying it’s okay to behave like criminals, like crazy people? Why is it totally acceptable to destroy all businesses (including the mum and pop stores that are barely surviving as it is)? Why are we saying it’s okay for people to post stolen items on social media, knowing they have ruined the lives of families and children who simply do not deserve such injustice? What about those guys? And what does it have to do with police brutality and racism?

Why are we encouraging people to leave bricks outside protest areas, knowing full well they will be used for destruction? Some people are just a-holes and like to sit back with a bag of popcorn and watch people hurt one another. That is how they get their kicks and it’s sickening. They have no investment in the cause and could not care less about racism. They don’t care that black people are losing their lives in these protests (17 and counting…) and that they helped contribute to such a tragic turn of events. They sleep perfectly well at night, while families grieve. Why has death become the answer to death?

Let’s imagine something for a moment. Let’s imagine that the statistics which show that white people get it just as bad as black people are in fact correct. (The sources that support this statement are incredible if you wish to venture outside the echo chamber.) Not only would this mean the system is hurting everybody, regardless of skin colour, it also means that all those white victims of police brutality and justice system unfairness died in vain. (If we hate white people so much, that fact alone should suffice for cause of celebration. Because racism is not okay. Unless it’s towards white people, yes?)

Getting back to my point, if just as many white folks are suffering at the hands of authority as black folks, then the problem truly is about police brutality and corruption of the justice system. Can we at least agree on this point? This is our enemy, not each other. This is what we should be fighting against. But we are not doing that. We are making all white people our enemy, which is so pointless and absurd that it does my head in. Yes, racism exists in the world. Yes, there are ignorant people walking among us. This cannot be helped. People are racist and ignorant all over the world, not just white folk areas.

In fact, what seems obvious to me is is that white people are the ones who are learning faster than the rest of the world that racism is simply not okay. Clearly, otherwise our little hearts wouldn’t be so hurt and we wouldn’t be fighting so hard. We simply wouldn’t care. White people fought to help end slavery. Does anyone remember this? It was called the American Civil War. It is behind us now. Why can’t we accept this glorious achievement in history? Racism and slavery is still practiced in other parts of the world, such as Africa and the Middle East. Why aren’t we focusing our efforts on this little problem? There are open air slave markets in Libya. That stuff should have ended in the Roman times, but it hasn’t. Nobody bats an eye though.

Why? Because facts require the effort of research and once we reach the Truth, it is really uncomfortable to share it with others. Per chance we might appear “racist”. And right now, all white people are shoved in the same category of racist. We really, truly cannot escape the label, and we dare not try, because we are too nice. And too scared. So we just let it continue and take it from every angle, even if we know ourselves to be loving and kind people. Name calling is the only way some people can make their point and it is something that’s very much on-trend these days. That and hating yourself for being white. 

Because self-hatred isn’t the number one most damaging thing to mankind or anything, and we don’t struggle enough with it, as it is. There aren’t enough self-help books published to help us out of such a toxic mentality. Yes, more guilt and shame is what we need, even if we weren’t personally involved in the enslavement of black folks and even if zero people in our bloodline were involved in such a hideous way of life. 

Let’s just hate ourselves for being white in the name of “solving” racism, because that makes heaps of sense. Let’s not communicate or brainstorm actual ides for it, because that’s uncomfortable. Let’s just self-flagellate till the end of time, to prove what wonderful, caring human beings we are, and how much we love everyone, clearly, because we hate ourselves. No. Just no.

Calling one another racist should not mean anything anymore because it’s become such a common go-to insult, but unfortunately it still has an effect on our fragile sense of identity. Feeling triggered? Name call. Losing a debate? Name call.  Here’s the thing: name calling is not an argument. It is what little children do in the playground because they haven’t yet developed their emotional intelligence. It is not what adults do.

We cannot continue to make emotional noises with out mouth holes and call it an argument. But because tribe mentality is part of our human nature, it’s easy to worry about what people think because nobody wants to be rejected and cast aside at the end of the day. It just isn’t a good feeling. But here’s another thing: we should not fear insults, because it is just sticks and stones. Our fear should center around conforming to illusion and bad ideas instead.

Here is yet another uncomfortable truth: racism is not about skin colour. I should know, I had white Australians as well as Indigenous Australians tell me to “go back to my own country” when I arrived as a newcomer. (I hate the word “immigrant” so I deliberately use “newcomer” instead.) They showed me how intolerant they were of those who didn’t speak a word of English and didn’t fit in with the Australian culture. Regardless of me clearly feeling scared and alone, and trying my best to assimilate to a foreign environment.

* Which is more than I can say for some cultures who refuse to assimilate and want literally everybody to work around their value system by using their “cultural beliefs” as an excuse to get away with horrific behaviour, such as domestic violence against children and the “traditional” practice of repression of women. This is unacceptable behaviour and nobody should stand for it. But we do, because we don’t want to appear racist. At the end of the day, we should be protecting women and children, no matter what.

But getting back to my story, what I was shown by whites and non-whites alike was that I was not welcome because I was different. It was that simple. A brutal lesson. Unfair. And had absolutely nothing to do with my porcelain complexion. It had everything to do with a fear of “other” and an incredible ignorance and laziness of mind to boot.

The looting, theft and violence of the Black Lives movement needs to find a different angle, because it is not about justice anymore. One cannot receive justice through violent acts. One cannot force justice onto society by inflicting pain on the innocent. Therefore, I truly believe that what is happening here is a long-waited for excuse to behave badly and get away with it. And we are all for it, cheering on the protesters and handing them bricks. (Feeling triggered? Name call.) The truth sucks, I know. I almost want to name call myself. But we need to look at this issue clearly with both heart and mind, and not just heart.

It makes me wonder what hope we have as a society when even health professionals are actively putting people at risk by saying “it’s okay to protest in these times”, knowing that social distancing rules will be broken and many people’s lives are at great risk. These professionals are directly going against their Duty of Care for their patients and the code of ethics initially agreed upon when they started their doctoring, or whatever it is they think they’re doing. 

The idea of putting my life in the hands of doctors now terrifies me, because they too are not immune to pushing their agendas onto people, and they too are scared of looking like they don’t support the movement and are therefore racist (because that makes soo much sense!)  If we cannot trust our own health care experts to stop encouraging us to protest at any cost then who can we trust? https://funnyjunk.com/Only+protestors+will+be+getting+sick/jqdmMwd/)

Some of us support the destruction going on around us, not because we are bad people. But because we are sick to our stomachs that racism actually exists and we are letting our emotions run away with us, hoping it will make a difference. What we actually need to do is step back and look at the bigger picture from a bird’s eye perspective and consider all angles. 

However, those of us who love a riot (until it affects us personally, of course) should review our value systems and what we pass down to our children, who are the future. As well as check that we’re not actually psychopaths. That would be a good start. This is what freedom of speech looks and sounds like. If such a thing truly exists (as it claims to do) then I should be allowed to have my say, like everyone else and not be crucified for it. I value freedom of speech. I need freedom of speech. I will hear everyone out, no matter what their point of view, as we are all learning how to properly human in this fucked up world. I will never stop people from expressing themselves. Ultimately, I will check all the facts but come to my own conclusion. As it should be. If I am wrong in the way I am perceiving this movement, I welcome the challenge of my ideas. I don’t mind civilised and honest debate as long as it is not a screaming contest and based on actual facts. I want to learn as much as I can about the world and the human condition, and I will never stop exploring. However I do reject name calling and unnecessary put downs in the name of “being offended”. Because, newsflash! Everybody is offended right now. I am offended, you are offended, the entire world is offended. That doesn’t mean we have to walk on eggshells around one another until the end of time. Please, can we not do that anymore?

In fact, there is great danger in submitting to that sort of game, as Steven Fry would agree: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJKXJNM3W-c&feature=youtu.be

* For some comedic relief after such a heavy topic, here is Steve Hughes’ video on being offended too. It’s much more light hearted but ultimately makes the same point. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHMoDt3nSHs

I am a human being, like everyone else, and I want to live in a better world. I want future generations to have a better planet in which to thrive. This requires me to speak my mind and I expect the same courtesy returned. We are not monkeys anymore; we have evolved from that. Let’s leave the past in the past and invest our energies on further growth and evolution. Let’s communicate. Let’s debate. Most importantly, let’s invest our very souls in the Truth, by allowing the antidote to our vulnerable sense of empathy to be introspection, hard research and the civilised sharing of ideas. It is the only way forward. 

May it be so.

The Queen is over Meghan Markle

The Queen has finally commented on her opinion of Meghan. The comment was neither rude, nor tacky, but classy. ‘I’ll discuss anything except Meghan Markle, Archie, or Prince Harry’, said the Queen to a guest. I almost couldn’t contain my excitement! It’s been a long time coming.

Of course, I expect nothing less from Meghan’s PR firm than a flurry of “The Queen adores Meghan” -articles in the coming days. This is how Meghan operates. I have a hunch that all of those “palace insiders” & “Royal experts” that are sighted as sources on many of the pro-Meghan articles is indeed, Meghan herself.

I’m going to switch gears for a moment and talk about the articles about Meghan’s $500,000 NYC baby shower that have recently been revived.

I don’t know, but to me, it seemed very clear that Meghan was expecting a girl. These were actual tweets going around twitter during her baby shower. The photos were taken by her own guests, which the majority were seen carrying in pink gifts, pink flowers, and wearing pink clothing. So what happened? Why were we led to believe that Meghan was having a girl, when she was really having a boy? Could it have something to do with the bets placed on the royal baby’s gender? Did Meghan have her hand anonymously in the pot? I would not put it past her. Why else would you deceive the masses on the gender of your baby?

It’s all just bizarre. Here is a breakdown of the costs associated with the baby shower.

That’s A LOT of money for a freaking baby shower. I mean, really? You really couldn’t have thought of a better way to spend that money? Meghan claims to be a humanitarian. I’m sorry, what? LOL. That’s funny. $500,000 would have fed, clothed & housed half of Britain’s homeless. So no Meghan, you are not a humanitarian. You are a rent-a-royal, wannabe humanitarian when it suits your agenda. When you personally gain from the situation (Cough, cough SmartWorks).

Then came the birthday post on SussexRoyal Instagram (screenshot of actual message above). Which had Hollywood-esq vibes all throughout. Shout-outs to her husband, and how great a husband & father he is to their doll. How much Harry inspires her. How much he loves her. It’s all about her! When are you going to realize that, Harry? The post was so incredibly unprofessional for a royal. But this is what we’ve come to expect from Meghan. Someone needs to change the SussexRoyal Instagram password, and lock her out. She’s not doing herself any favors. She’s widening the wedge she’s placed between herself, and the public. At least it’s been interesting watching this train wreck.

Then I came across this photo... and it was the subject of many “Archie’s real mom” jokes on Twitter. I about fell off my rocker LOL. That look Meghan is giving the plastic patients plastic stomach, as Harry rests his hand on her plastic bump, is priceless. It’s like we can see the wheels turning in her brain, and this was where the idea for the royal baby scan was born. Harry has givin more moral support to this plastic patient than he has his actual wife Meghan, during her pregnancy. Was Meghan jealous? I think she was a tiny bit jealous. The look on her face says it all. Such contempt for a hunk of plastic, isn’t it? 😆

Lastly, this new photo from the christening was posted along with the photos of Harry as a child with his mother Princess Diana. What.was.she.thinking??? The photo is so heavily photoshopped, that it’s blurry!! I noticed about 10 different areas on the photo that show it’s been photoshopped. 11 if you include the fact that it’s Black & White. How are the other royals just letting this go on? What a farce. It’s insulting to the institution, and to the people that pay for the institution. Someone needs to intervene. This photo was the tipping point. I cannot see her coming back from all this now that she’s publicly claimed that she realizes her reputation is tarnished, and she is going to actively work towards not being so selfish, essentially. But then she goes & posts this? Sigh~

One last thing I want you to ask yourselves; Why did Meghan choose photos of Harry as a child, with his mother Princess Diana that were all available on google images? It’s a little bit suspicious, no? You would think being that she’s Harrys wife, she could source some original baby photos of him? You know, ones that have never been released or seen by the public? She literally went and did a google search for “Photos of Harry as a child with Princess Diana”, and copy/pasted photos from google images. It’s mind-boggling to imagine her sitting at her computer, doing this. It almost proved that she does not have her husbands support in all this, otherwise, he would have handed over some real family photos from the royal photo album.

It would have been so much cooler to enter Castle Oblivion and then exit to see the Land of Departure. It would have given Sora an opportunity to remember - or at least get a sense of - what happened in CoM, since he STILL doesn’t know anything about that. (Which would have also given him context for who Marluxia and Larxene and Vexen and the other org members are... He also would’ve remembered a darker side to Axel than he knew now...) (Also he’d remember WHY he’s supposed to thank Namine aksldhjfh)

And, most importantly, it would have given him a chance to bond with Aqua more? So the audience who never played BBS or 0.2 could feel a connection that’s more than just, “Keyblade Master who was in Disney Hell for 10 years and was really angry at Mickey for some reason.” It would have given Sora some essential context to her and Ventus (and Terra’s) plight what would have allowed him to forge better connections with them.

Because that’s literally all of Sora’s character - making connections with people. All of RE:Coded was about how Sora needed to have the strength to shoulder other people’s pain so he wouldn’t succumb to the pressure and fall. If Sora fell, he’d be bringing everyone down with him, because he’s the thread holding them together. All of this was swept to the side, if not outright dropped.

He just collected the pieces needed to complete the team and they all moved right to the final battle without anything more than a few obligatory “wow we all know each other huh” exchanges. 

There was so actual sense of connection - they were only together out of a sense of duty and responsibility. They all had their own agendas and didn’t focus on anyone’s friends except their own. When Sora tried to shoulder some of the burden (like he was supposed to) and focus on the people who are still lost, everyone else shut him down and told him to just worry about himself. 

Sora is a character built on empathy - that’s the whole source of his power! “My friends are my power,” has become such a cheesy line in the series, but it’s true! It tells us everything we need to know about Sora! The other half of the line, that hardly gets mentioned is, “And I am [their power].” His strength comes from empathy and forging bonds with people and by making those bonds he, in turn, empowers others. The entire series is about the power of empathy and how the greatest thing you can do is care about others.

It was never meant to say, “Without my friends, I’m nothing.” That’s how the villains tried to twist it. The fact that the series seems to have taken that route with the quote is a slap to the face.

The fact that Riku pretty much abandons Sora during the final battle spits on the face of what the series is about. It spits on the face of Riku’s entire character arc - an arc centered around atonement and recovery and learning how to ask others for help. He devoted years of his life around protecting and helping Sora after almost destroying everything because he got selfish and let a petty rivalry get in the way of friendship. Because he constantly shut people out. Because he felt that to be strong he had to deal with things on his own.

Then Sora, whose entire personality centers around empathy, breaks down after witnessing the death of everyone he loves. Riku doesn’t turn to help or comfort him. Riku doesn’t acknowledge his pain and expresses any grief himself. He just tells Sora to suck it up, before throwing himself into a reckless, suicidal stunt to try and stop the Heartless all by himself.

In just a few hours everything I loved about the series was torn away from me and I couldn’t feel more betrayed.

There remains a stigma attached to the word ‘breakdown’, when actually it’s a very legitimate response to life in the early twenty-first century. We are not designed for the non-stop world we live in, the pressures put upon us, and those we bring upon ourselves. For young people, especially, those pressures are becoming ever more intense. Social media, the battle for jobs, the speed with which we judge – it’s a lot easier for kids now to be made to feel inadequate in so many different ways. I worry about what any child picks up in their subconscious just through their daily interaction with the world. Societal pressure has got worse for children, and I hope my own experiences will make me better able to help my children tread that difficult path.

*

Billie was magnificent as Rose. I knew she was good at the time but looking back now I can see her absolute brilliance. It reminds me how much we loved working together, which is palpably obvious on screen. Actors work at chemistry; it doesn’t just come with a snap of the fingers, but we were fortunate enough to have something there from the start. We were also professionals and knew how to achieve on-screen banter. What truly amazes me is I know how nervous Billie was at the start. She thought I was some big serious performer and she didn’t have the belief in herself as an actor. She proved herself, of course, to be way better than any of the rest of us. Her luminosity on screen comes from herself, not those around her, and instinctively she made Rose exactly the person she should be. When Doctor Who won a BAFTA for Best Drama, it was Billie for whom I was truly delighted. The reception she got when the show was screened made any lingering reservations on her part about her ability evaporate. It was admirable in her that she had zero arrogance that she could do it. The work she has done since has shown her to be worthy of every accolade that comes her way.

Watching our characters now reinforces what I concluded at the time: Russell enjoys writing more for women than he does for men. If so, I’m glad – there’s been a lot of writing for men. Rose arrives on screen fully formed, one of the strongest female characters of any show of any year, painting a solid line leading directly to Jodie Whittaker. If you think about it, the relaunch in 2005 was actually the chance to create the first female Doctor. Why not do it then? Perhaps, really, we should be looking back on Billie Piper not as Rose but as the Doctor.

*

The attitude exists that, in the relationship between producer, director and actor, they are the adults and we are the children. I agree, actors can behave like children, they can be spoilt – but not this one, and not a lot of others I know. A working relationship can’t operate on a basis of master and servant. If a director, or anyone else on set, comes in and has bad manners, then chances are they’ll hear from me.

This idea that actors can be manipulated and pushed around to suit the agendas of others irritates me. On Shallow Grave, prior to the shoot, myself, Ewan McGregor and Kerry Fox lived in a flat together for a week. We rehearsed, read scenes, and got to know each other. I considered it to be a budgetary and practical arrangement, but after the film came out Danny talked about it as being a social experiment, which I objected to because to me it was like the director playing God. If Danny wanted to conduct an experiment to gauge our reaction and interaction to one another, he should have told us. Had I known, I would doubtless have gained something from the situation. Danny, I expect, would argue otherwise, that the actors wouldn’t get it. Well, I’m more intelligent than that. As it turned out, Danny’s plan was counterproductive because all it did was give myself, Kerry and Ewan a week to realise we didn’t like each other very much and didn’t get on. We had entirely different backgrounds, approaches to acting, and sensibilities. All three of us were also very, very ambitious and insecure with it. Danny would probably argue that that tension then manifested itself on screen. I think that’s bollocks. This idea of pitting one actor against another is dangerous, manipulative and patronising. The film would have been better without all that nonsense.

I’m not alone in feeling dismayed at misplaced directorial interference. Anthony Hopkins once arranged for the cast of Frankenstein to go for a Chinese meal during rehearsals. Anthony received a message from Francis Ford Coppola: ‘Francis doesn’t want you to go for a Chinese meal,’ it read, ‘because he feels it would break the atmosphere.’

Anthony Hopkins’ reaction was simple – ‘Bollocks, we’re going for a Chinese meal.’

*

In a way, Let Him Have It was an example of the British film industry bowing to American values. I hate Forrest Gump. I would like to burn every single copy of that film for the way it treats both mental health issues and women. A sexually free female character who ends up with AIDS? That tells you everything. I wanted to make an angrier, more polemical, more complicated film about a young man who deserved more than just to have the label ‘simple’ pinned to his lapel.

*

That presence, that intensity, that some people, not just Peter, have identified again comes from growing up, like most working class children, with the institutional message, ‘You’re stupid’, as did my father, as did my brothers. If you’re working class in this country, you may be able to shovel shit or push a trolley, but, ‘You are thick. You do not emote.’ ‘You are thick. You are not worthy of a decent education.’ Those central messages of unworthiness become so ingrained that they are self-perpetuating. Come up with a big word and not only are you mocked – ‘Oh, where did that come from?’ – but you mock yourself. So yes, I am intense, and that’s because there’s a lot of fierce concentration on trying to be articulate, rather than that laid-back public-school attitude to intellect that some people seem to have.

*

My dad had definitely shared with me a very visible masculinity. His appearance and actions shouted standard maleness, but the way I viewed him was different. It seemed obvious to me that, at his core, causing his outward behaviour, was a great femininity and vulnerability. My view of maleness was formed from how tyrannical my dad could be and yet how gentle. Through him, I learned to accept that the two things could coexist. I too have a masculinity allied to an intensely female side. Perhaps the difference is I’m aware of it. Dad, I think, found his sensitivity a source of conflict. For many years, I was the same. I resented it. I resented the part of me that made me different. If you are a late-twentieth-century male, traditional working-class, you are not going to like that side of yourself. I wanted to be black and white. I didn’t understand that it is the sensitive side that offers true insight in life – intuition and empathy.

*

Similarly, there’d be no bunches of flowers from Dad – none of that – and he didn’t like dancing – he was too self-conscious, too embarrassed – so Mum would always dance with somebody else.

I once went into my mum and dad’s room and saw a book, The Sun is my Tormentor, a Mandingo-esque novel of love and adventure, by Mum’s side of the bed. Seeing my mother in middle age and her desire for romance moved me deeply. It made me cry. I felt for her emptiness and also because I knew there were greater romantic novels that, because of her conditioning as being unworthy of such literature, she perhaps felt she couldn’t venture into.

*

We wrapped the production on Friday, had a party, and then on Saturday morning I’d arranged to go to Old Trafford with my dad. I was really looking forward to it – and he turned up with the season tickets from two years before. I’m disgusted with myself thinking about it now, but I gave him a bollocking. I was pissed off because I couldn’t go to the game. More than that, though, I was pissed off because he had dementia. That is shameful on my part, but genuinely that is the case. Maybe that shame is something others in the same position will recognise, an occasional presence of a selfish internal voice, one that so desperately craves ‘normality’.

I put my anger at his illness down to coming straight off the back of Flesh and Blood, with its fictional narrative so unflinchingly similar to my own non-fiction life. Amid that emotion, present as he always was whenever me and my dad knocked heads, was that little boy who was frightened of him. I definitely harboured residual anger towards him, a straight reflection of the anger he’d exhibited towards me. Sounds harsh, but he was getting back the temper he taught me. I was in control now. I’m not proud of that, and I’m not saying it’s right, but that’s how I justified it to myself.

I looked into his eyes and could see him trying to process what was going on. He was staring at the season tickets, semi-computing that they were the ones from two years ago, while trying to work out what the situation meant, and what should happen next. For ten seconds, my peripheral vision was blacked out, blinkered. All I saw was this big, fierce bird-like face looking around lost in confusion. I put Dad on the bus home, the route being familiar to him, and walked away. I rang later and explained to my mum what had happened. And then I started crying. I cried for four hours. That night I had a date with my girlfriend. I told her about it and cried all over again. I broke my heart like I’ve never broken my heart since. That moment of seeing his confusion had left a mark – not a bruise, but a deep, lasting weal. Until that point, I’d understood intellectually that my dad had dementia because we’d been told. But emotionally I hadn’t understood it at all. And then there, in the street outside Old Trafford, I’d been given a window into somebody going mad. Becoming demented. That’s the truth of it – demented. It’s a shocking word. We used to talk about demented dogs, and we shot them. When we say dementia, there’s no hiding the truth. It means people are demented. We can dress that up however we want, but there’s no denying the naked reality beneath. That day I had been presented with the stark vision of a man floundering in a maze of his mind’s own making. Not knowing who and where he was. And I’d just been horrible to him. And he was my dad.

*

Esme asked me the other day, ‘Daddy, do you like Mummy?’

‘Well,’ I said, ‘when me and Mummy met, we fell in love and had you. Having two children very quickly is hard on parents in a relationship and then Mummy and Daddy started to not like each other. Now, Esme, as you’ve seen, we are trying to be friends.’

As a child, I would have liked that level of honesty and candidness with my parents, but it was no more part of Ronnie and Elsie than it had been their parents, and so on and so on before. I completely understand that the openness switch was neither at their fingertips nor was it socially reinforced. Emotion could hold a working-class child back, make them unready for what was to come – what they were for. I am thankful to have been given the opportunity to have a more grounded relationship with my children. Before Albert and Esme, playing football, wrestling, doing a crossword or mock-boxing with my own dad were the happiest things I could ever imagine in my life. They go right to the heart of me. Now, I have a new happiness with my own children. And it is a happiness born of honesty.

The blight on that happiness is that I don’t live with them. I know I’ve yet to come to terms with that fact. This book will help, the increasing distance from the hospitalisation will help, but it’s something that will always hurt inside. The legal system could certainly help deliver balance for parents and children involved in separation and divorce. Hopefully, we are in the dog days of the Victorian view of men and women and their role in their children’s lives, which has led to institutional and historic bias. In the twenty-first century, an authentic emotional relationship can come from a man as much as a woman.

*

I wanted to throw a spotlight on the generations, the millions and millions, for whom ‘success’, defined as anything other than the basic survival of themselves and their family, was a concept of which they were denied to the extent that they were chained, leg, wrist and neck, to an institutionally blessed mindset of zero expectation. To those in charge of those institutions, the working class is as it describes. A production line of workers, nothing more, nothing less. People? With character, hope, intelligence, ambition? Forget it. Get back in your box and shut up.

I was asked a few years ago to go on the BBC genealogy show Who Do You Think You Are? I agreed and they started looking into my family tree. It says everything that the project went nowhere. They tugged aside the leaves on those branches and concluded, ‘Nothing to see here.’ Generations of working-class people dismissed. Individuals with their own hopes, dreams and stories. Not army generals, industrialists, vaudeville singers, but factory workers, farm labourers, cleaners, nothing in any way ‘sexy’ enough for TV.

No doubt if someone like me had popped up in the dim and distant, all would have been good. But why? My father had all my abilities, linguistically, physically, and then some. So, no doubt, did generations before him. I get that my life has been far more fulfilled than my father’s and those before him, but for me that makes him the far more interesting story. What do I know of life? I’m not driving stacker trucks all day at Colgate-Palmolive and then going to Bulmers and driving stacker trucks there all night. I’m not cleaning floors in a launderette like Mum. And yet how often is the story of the working class ever told on TV? I don’t mean the dross that is soaps. I mean properly told? The answer is less and less. Working-class stories don’t fit in boxsets. They don’t make money. They don’t fit the business model of selling to global TV. And yet they are the lives that talk to me, define me. They are the lives I find endlessly fascinating.

Christopher Eccleston, I Love the Bones of You

Adaptational Attractiveness: Leah Burke in Love, Simon

Disclaimer: (Spoilers!) Love, Simon (Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda) and its sequel Leah on the Offbeat are both a little controversial in terms of good queer storytelling. Let me first state that I like both books and the movie, and even though some say that Leah’s bisexuality and her ultimately ending up with Abby Suso are unrealistic, I enjoy the subversion of the “one gay character surrounded by straight people” trope. This series is not a masterpiece, but as a queer teenager, I think it’s a cute story and a wholesome teenage-romance based series.

Let’s get into my problem though. Movie Leah is hot.

I just finished watching this video on adaptational attractiveness in movies (it makes some great points please check it out!) and I immediately realized that Leah Burke in the Love, Simon movie is a horrifyingly good example.

Leah in the books is fat. She identifies herself as fat multiple times and it’s a big part of making her a well-rounded character. She’s important because she’s a fat girl whose personality doesn’t revolve around her being fat. It’s a realistic source of insecurity for her (as someone who is slightly overweight I can relate to this), but it’s never played off as a joke and it’s not her entire personality.

There’s never a great description of her in the books, but the cover of Leah on the Offbeat is a pretty good image of what I expected her to be like.

At one point Leah says, “I swear, people can’t wrap their minds around the concept of a fat girl who doesn’t diet. Is it that hard to believe I might actually like my body?”

And she does like her body. She’s got a lot of confidence, but when you’re fat, that’s all people see you as, so she can’t help but have a lot of bottled up insecurity over it. She makes several sarcastic comments about skinny people, and an essential part of her arc in Leah on the Offbeat is related to her thinking that someone as beautiful and perfect as Abby Suso could never like someone like her, even if she was into girls. This isn’t necessarily because she’s fat, but her being fat is definitely a part of it. She also has a lot of trouble and insecurity picking out a prom dress, since she believes that she basically looks bad in everything, since prom is basically marketed towards skinny people.

it’s never stated in Love, Simon -- the movie or the book (as far as I know), but I believe part of her being mad at Simon for keeping his sexuality a secret and ruining their friendship over it is due to the fact that when you’re gay, you can pass as straight, but when you’re fat, there’s no way of hiding it. My theory for her overreaction is that she thinks that people will judge her more frequently and more often for her body than they will judge Simon for his sexuality, and she’s probably right, even if she might seem slightly selfish, but she’s a teenager. How people see you is everything when you’re young, and she knows everyone just sees her as “that fat girl.” She also dreads being left out of things, as someone who is insecure about how people see them definitely would.

(I know she also had a crush on Simon, but I don’t think she’d be too pissed about him being gay because of this, since she herself is bi and understands what it’s like to be a queer teenager)

Which brings me to how the movie fucks up this decently written character who is realistically insecure about her body.

Look at this image. Leah is the same size as Abby and Simon. I’ve studied the actress’s face and body trying to figure out if they even tried to make her look fat at all. Maybe I’m biased because I myself am heavier than the average girl, but this Leah has a normal build. Don’t even try to tell me she’s overweight at all.

The actress, Katherine Langford, weighs 132 pounds, and when you look up her weight as I just did, the first website that comes up describes her as having a “lean, attractive build.” Yeah, she does.

I do think that whoever produced/directed this movie attempted to make her look chubbier in some shots, as she has her hair pulled back most of the time to give her face a rounder look, and the multiple layers of clothing do make her look a little bustier, but this is still bad casting for this character. She’s still hot (by modern media standards) and stylish. She shouldn’t be.

This makes her just seem whiny and selfish when she and Simon have their falling out. Obviously even good-looking people have insecurities, but this adaptational attractiveness makes her lose her relatability and depth.

Also, in a movie about representation, it’s ironic for them to have completely erased a well-written and serious fat character who from the storyline.

I haven’t seen a lot of people talk about this, maybe because many people either haven’t read the book or are uncomfortable with the idea of a fat character having an important and non-comedic role in a movie, since being fat is still seen as shameful in our society.

I enjoy the Love, Simon series and it’s characters, but I cannot stand what they did to Leah in the movie. I’d love to see a Leah on the Offbeat movie, but I don’t think it would work well with this actress. Nothing against Katherine Langford or her acting ability, she’s just not right for this role.

Thanks for reading if you got through this way-too-long post.

I just had to get all that out, I’ve been mad about this for months.

CW FOR KIDNAPPING, EXPERIMENTATION, CHILD DEATH, VIOLENCE, TORTURE & ABUSE.

PT. I : THE FOUNDING OF EXPANSION.

The doctor credited as the “discoverer” of the H-42 gene was named Edward Holmes.

A man of wealth and fortune from birth, Holmes was not a man who pursued a career in medicine for the wealth, but strictly because of an interest in the human body, and the desire to understand it. When finally he earned his degree, using his family’s connections and money, he established a medical research company based out of NYC known as Expansion – a business whose goal was to wok towards cures for everything, from cancers and dementia to the common cold, and for the first twelve years, this was their focus.

In the dead of winter in 1972, however, a fascination was birthed in an alleyway in Brooklyn, where, on a walk through the city, the doctor stumbled upon a man able to produce flames at will: able to engulf himself in the glow of an inferno without burning an inch of skin. this man, Harrison, was far from the first to harbor such a power; he was just the one unfortunate enough to cross Holmes’ path. Homeless, lacking family and in much need of food, he agreed to come with Holmes to the lab so that he may be studied in return for meals and shelter. It was a simple arrangement in the beginning: in the early 70s, genetic testing was in its infancy, and so Holmes was limited to the basic vital testings and questions regarding family history — a profile that would later be perfected, with family trees and records a primary source of tracking down test subjects.

Three months was the initial, agreed-upon deal: three months of poking and prodding, three months of Harrison sleeping in a warm bed and eating three square meals a day. This timeline, however, slowly became steadily increased; with his status as a loner, jobless, Harrison was easy enough to manipulate into staying in Expansion, the money pilling up in exchange for more and more of his life, DNA, access to his power. While he was free to roam in the first few months, to leave as he wished, after a full year of Holmes’ experiments, Harrison found himself trapped – locked away in a cell in a sub-level of the lab, where he resided for years, slowly reduced to a shell of his former self.

From Harrison, an obsession was wrought, though cut short after an escape attempt led to Harrison’s death. Holmes, desperate to continue and expand upon his research, mourned Harrison’s death, though solely because of the loss of potential - not seeing him as a life wasted, but as a lost subject. Holmes isolated himself during this period of “mourning,” pouring over his data in his private studies in Expansion’s headquarters, and it was during this time that he began to devise a plan to further his studies.

Holmes was not alone in his endeavors; though he was the only person in contact with Harrison for the first year, in 1974, Holmes recruited Martin Brock and Kevin Wilson, two ex-classmates who he believed possessed the same qualities as himself, the same “drive” (and the same disregard for human life). 

In 1981, a year after Harrison’s death, Holmes approached Brock and Wilson, and told them of his plans for a new research project he had dubbed “The Enlightenment Project.”

Though there was a plan on paper, it took years to acquire the equipment and outfit the basements of Expansion to be able to actually carry it out; it was during this prep time that Raymond Black was recruited to Expansion, specifically to head Enlightenment - he was a controversial figure in scientific circles, believing in the ‘supernatural’ and other phenomena deemed nonsense - but it was this conviction that attracted Holmes to him, that ensured him he would be a good fit for their team, because it was the so-called implausible they were chasing.

Raymond was the newest member, but had quickly become like a son to Holmes. With funds and ambitions as widespread as Holmes, he was the perfect candidate to inherit Expansion when Holmes fell ill in 1985. With no children to contest his will, Holmes modified the terms and left everything to Black, “just in case” - a precaution that was warranted. Edward Holmes died in 1989, just weeks before Enlightenment was set to actually begin.

The plan for Enlightenment was simple: seek out subjects, acquire them by any means necessary, and contain them within the lab for study. The profile provided by the tests on Harrison was bare-bones, but served as the building block for their search, and in the winter of 1989, Wilson called a meeting of the Enlightenment board and informed them of a child that was being cared for at a hospital in Baltimore. Wilson was friends with a doctor who worked there, and the two had met at a conference, where Wilson had been told about the child, being treated for cancer - and the strange marker in his DNA. 

The kidnapping took place two weeks later, with Black himself stealing into the child’s home and taking him, killing his parents for extra measure - but posing the scene as an accident. All three were presumably killed in a house fire.

Dylan Carver became subject A1 in the Enlightenment Project.

He was four, and yes, incredibly sick, but resilient, and every test conducted came back positive that he possessed the H-42 gene - but merely as a carrier. There was contention between the three scientists on the benefits of keeping a sick child that could “offer little,” as his gene was passive, but eventually, it was unanimously decided that Dylan could still be of use as a test subject; more children would just have to be acquired for further study, to actually find results.

With the new plan to find more children, Black and the remaining team voted on tightening their security – to ensure no one escaped and to ensure that the other divisions of Expansion never stumbled across the children. this was when Black and Theodore de Luca met – a powerful man in his own right, son of an Italian mafia boss (that Theo himself killed, though staged it to look like a dispute with a rival family). de Luca’s family owned a security company, private military, a band of mercenaries, men with scarred faces and blood on their hands and bloodlust in their hearts. A handful of these men (those who lack remorse, who would not hesitate to hurt a child) were selected and employed by Black as security, and thus began the relationship between Expansion and Frontier, de Luca’s company.

(it is important to note that not every employee of Expansion has had a hand in the abduction and torture of children; only around fifty are involved in Enlightenment. most are consumed with legal, world-changing ventures, which earn the company more than enough revenue to cover the expenses of Enlightenment).

Black and his team believe that they are a necessary evil: that they can better this world by discovering these powers and documenting them. They believe that this is the next, natural step in human evolution, and that by unlocking these secrets of the human body and possibly finding a way to offer this advancement to everyone and not just a select few, they can better the human race.

(de Luca, on the other hand, has selfish reasons for associating himself with Enlightenment; his interest is purely to fuel his own interests, and has offered his own soldiers and even his own child to be the first to test forcing mutations in humans; his goal is to turn Enlightment’s interests towards his own and utilize their research to create super soldiers).

PT. II : THE RISE & FALL OF WING A / THE BIRTH OF REYES.

Dylan Carver was merely the beginning. His adoption in 1989 was a catalyst for things to come; while, initially, the Enlightenment team had decided on minimalizing risk and acquiring only one child, the transition of power from Holmes to de Luca & Black not only allowed researchers more funding and resources, but added a personal agenda to the mix (though this was not pubic knowledge; de Luca kept his intentions to himself, but was adamant on pushing for a quicker breakthrough regardless). The second and third child were taken from their homes in 1994, under circumstances similar to Dylan Carver’s 1989 “death.”

Over the next 5 years, men of de Luca’s organization who were easily influenced by money and trusted to be discreet and ruthless were sent across the united states to obtain children as they were identified, each kidnapping carried out differently and varied so that they seemed random and without pattern: children were taken from parks, their homes at nights, public events; their parents were murdered, their parents were injured, valuables were stolen – each crime scene presented differently. By 2000, A Wing consisted of 12 subjects, who were as follows:

Dylan Carver / subject A1, taken from Baltimore, Maryland, in 1989 (age 3).

Elle Andrews / subject A2, taken from Grand Rapids, Michigan, in 1994 (age 5).

George Perlman / subject A3, taken from Detroit, Michigan, in 1994 (age 2).

Ray Coleman / subject A4, taken from Tallahassee, Florida, in 1995 (age 6 months).

Marcus Carmichael / subject A5, taken from Daring, Tennessee, in 1995 (age 4).

Alexandra Cantrell / subject A6, taken from Reno, Nevada, in 1996 (age 5).

Sarah Michaels / subject A7, taken from Ontario, Canada, in 1997 (age 5).

Mary Kim / subject A8, taken from San Diego, California, in 1998 (age 3).

Bethany Holloway / subject A9, taken from Honolulu, Hawaii, in 1998 (age 4).

Marius Hernández / subject A10, taken from Boston, Massachusetts, in 1999 (age 3).

Alexander McCormick / subject A11, taken from Hutchinson, Kansas, in 1999 (age 2).

These children were discovered by Expansion because Expansion had begun establishing free clinics across the country, offering multiple forms of healthcare - screening for cancers and paternity tests, etc, anything involving DNA made available, all results logged into Expansion’s computers, that then run through a program that produced names based on varying factors.

The story of subject A12 is different from every other subject in Enlightenment’s history.

Subject A12, given the name MATEO REYES, is the biological son of Theodore de Luca, via a surrogate, who believed de Luca to be a small-town doctor wanting to start a family with his ‘partner’ (a part played by one of the Expansion scientists). A ‘suitable’ surrogate was discovered who carried the correct markers. Immediately following Reyes’ birth, he was forced into the lab, labeled as subject A12 (he would not receive the name Mateo Reyes until the age of 16; until this point, he is referred to solely as 12). 

12 was ‘raised’ by the scientists of Enlightenment, his ‘upbringing’ overseen by de Luca. His origins were not known, nor were they questioned. The primary point of study of 12′s birth and upbringing was to gauge if the gene and the powers that come with it could be forced - de Luca had secretly been receiving treatment, attempts to warp his DNA and change him into a carrier, and it was believed that these changes to him would carry through to a child. 

This life is obviously very little of a ‘life’, and 12′s personality reflected that.

He was not subjected to the punishing torture of the scientists until the age of 7, but was raised in a cage nonetheless. It was also interesting to the Board to study the effect that being confined from such a small age would have on someone, and de Luca wanted him close and contained. 

By the age of 7, however, with no indication of abilities (which was not uncommon - out of the 12 subjects, only 3 had shown abilities prior to the age of 10, but this did not benefit the experiment, and so it was seen as a disappointment), various methods were employed to attempt to force the mutation into maturation; it had been accidentally discovered that extreme stress to the system could throw the process into overdrive, and with de Luca’s insistence, 12 was subjected to various tortures - further isolation in darkness, then a sudden switch to constant light; confined in a smaller, blacked-out box; submerged in water for ten minute intervals at a time. it took a year of these ‘sessions’ for anything to happen - and when it did, it was an explosion.

The lights had cycled to pitch black, and a scientist observing 12′s brain activity suddenly screamed. There was an attempt to turn the lights back on, but the darkness persisted, to a stifling, suffocating point; this episode lasted for nearly an hour before finally the darkness dissipated, and the bodies of three scientists were discovered in the observation room. But the security tapes caught the incident, and what was discovered stunned the Board: the darkness had morphed into 12, had taken over the room, had killed the men. But these are the results that de Luca craved, knowing that there was the capacity of violence existing alongside these abilities, and so the unease of the scientists who reviewed the footage was ignored.

Instead, 12 was encouraged to test the limits of his abilities. Over the next few years, he discovered that shadows seemed to be alive in his presence; he could manipulate them, disappear into it, utilize it as a shield, transform it into a weapon and use it to kill (by smothering, by robbing people of their senses by stuffing them with it - it was never actively encouraged that he use this ability, but de Luca obviously enjoyed it. By the age of 13, 12 had murdered five security guards and five scientists, though the scientists were always accidental). 

He was considered the biggest success of Phase I / A Wing. Most of the other children were monumental failures; out of the 12, only six actually developed abilities, two of whom escaped (subjects A4 and A5, and remain the only two ever to do so; will be talked about in a later post). In 2006, plans had begun to expand Enlightenment for a B Wing / Phase II / “second try”, because Black and Wilson and Brock were determined, despite the setback that Phase I felt like.

In 2013, when 12 was 13, the Purge of A Wing began, with the remaining subjects “disposed of” (procurement of B Wing had begun in 2009, and was finalized in 2013, shortly before The Purge).

12 was spared because of his success, and shifted over to a side project called “ARES”, the blueprint for de Luca’s super-soldiers. de Luca could commit time and effort to this because he was now a majority shareholder in Expansion, a move that Black encouraged, eager to have more of de Luca’s money in their experiments and their projects.

PT. III : PHASE II / B WING & THE AFTERMATH OF THE PURGE OF A WING.

In the years since Holmes had created Enlightenment, the profile and techniques used to scout children had greatly improved, partially due to Expansion’s establishments of medical care centers and their greatly improved medical care being made available for anyone, free of charge. Every ‘patient’ who received any sort of care beneath Expansion’s banner had their DNA logged, and as a result, a vivid picture was painted of who would be better candidates - who would actually produce results. Expansion had long-since become a global brand, ingratiating themselves not only across America, but slowly inching into Europe, and aiming to move beyond. They provided medical care and relief to countries in need; they painted themselves as heroes (which, for the most part, they really are. Like said, Enlightenment is NOT the primary goal of Expansion, and it is only a small percentage of workers who are actually aware of it. The rest is doing really good work, and has actually advanced medical care quite a bit). 

But it wasn’t just only the method of finding subjects that had changed, but the care of the subjects that would be handled differently; while A Wing subjects had minimal contact with one another and little education, B Wing children would be treated less like prisoners and ‘conditioned’ to better function, because after a certain amount of years, they would be allowed back into the world - conditionally, of course. B Wing was also smaller, consisting of only six children, but the Board was confident that there would be better results despite such a small number.

The children are as follows:

Armand Kenner / subject B13, taken from Brussels, Belgium, in March 2010 (age 3).

Adriana Gomez / subject B14, taken from New York City, New York, in September 2010 (age 3).

Jade Williams / subject B15, taken from Somerset, England, in March 2011 (age 4).

Jakub Kowalczyk / subject B16, taken from Zakopane, Poland, in July 2012 (age 2).

Thomas Rivera / subject B17, taken from Charleston, West Virgina, in January 2013 (age 5).

Alexis Chernov / subject B18, taken from Moscow, Russia, in October 2013 (age 2).

While the new children of B Wing were treated more compassion, 12 was not. As the progenitor of ARES, the blueprint for a super-soldier, he was subjected to more torture; it was not enough to de Luca that he could control shadows, and so more experimental and dangerous alterations were made to him to enhance his strength and senses, to truly make him super. As a result, he possesses strengthened sight and hearing, but lacks the ability to taste; he is stronger and faster, but cannot smell. He is hulking, 6′7″ by the age of 16, growth enhanced, but his feeling is greatly reduced (primarily when it comes to pain), each ‘improvement’ robbing him of something in turn.

At the age of 16, 12 and de Luca finally met face-to-face; though de Luca had been monitoring him since birth, they had yet to actually have contact, and he felt it was finally time, to see firsthand what his DNA and money had created for him. It was during this meeting that de Luca named him Mateo Reyes - the first name ‘honoring’ a childhood friend, the surname after a character in a movie that de Luca enjoyed. 

de Luca expressed his approval for Reyes, for his name and his abilities and what he will be, and Reyes tried to kill him. (He survived only because they had ‘collared’ Reyes, implanting a chip into his neck that received pulses that would render him immobile; after killing another security guard, it was deemed a necessary measure, one that even de Luca agreed to).

He was then thrown into solitary, with the Board insisting on his death - arguing that he was too unstable, not exactly the vision of the project, but de Luca held firm, despite the inability to speak because of the bruising on his throat. de Luca was thrilled with the turn of events, and dismissed their concerns - primarily because, due to the experimentation he had been subjecting himself to, death would not come so easily to him. de Luca insisted instead that they begin training Reyes to rejoin the world, as they would be doing for the B Wing children.

“He’s collared. What could go wrong?”

So his education began - but it was a difficult process. Reyes had only the most rudimentary grasp on language, and found other subjects difficult; he didn’t care for math or science, and was quick to anger when it was forced onto him, so the bulk of his education rested in filling in the gaps in his speech (which still isn’t good, but he doesn’t care) and educating him on the outside world. These lessons continued until the age of 19, when a small, contained test-run was carried out: Reyes would be accompanying de Luca to a “business meeting.”

A ‘meeting’ that turned out to be an assassination.

de Luca pressed Reyes to kill the man - a man who had attempted to steal from him, so it wasn’t random, and, to de Luca, was entirely justified. But Reyes ‘behaved’, did not attempt to hurt anyone outside the target, and since it was seen as a success, Reyes was allowed outside - only a few hours at a time, primarily at night, in the beginning, but by the age of 23, he was given an apartment near Expansion’s headquarters, and allowed to live there instead of in the lab.

The years between 19 and 23 were not easy-going, however; de Luca was more eager than ever to see how Reyes could operate in environments less-and-less contained, and pushed and pushed and pushed for him to use his abilities, always on targets personally selected by de Luca, rivals in his illegal dealings or people he’d felt had crossed him.

PT. IV : CURRENT TIMELINE, THE RESISTANCE & REYES AS A PROTAGONIST.

Despite how careful Expansion is and how clean their public image is, their activities are not entirely unknown. The public is not aware of the kidnappings and torture carried out in Expansion’s basement, but an ex-employee unaffiliated with Enlightenment absolutely is. She uncovered it purely by accident, and after a series of events, the Board became aware she knew - which led to her faking her death, with the help of a vigilante group that targets big corporations and exposes their dirty laundry - who were obviously incredibly interested in what she had to say, even with so little proof (there were copies of files stolen from Enlightenment’s databases, but it wasn’t enough to take down Expansion). This group, known as FR33DOM, switched their focus entirely to exposing Expansion. 

And after three years, they found an opening.

in 2024, FR33DOM’s vigilantes, following de Luca, searching for any loose thread to pull, find that de Luca frequently visits a 24 year old man named Mateo Reyes, listed as the owner of an apartment only three streets from Expansion. Curious, FR33DOM begin to dig into Reyes’ past, and while in a cursory sweep, nothing appears out of order - it is a group of ghosts, and ghosts can recognize their own kind. It is quickly discovered that most of Reyes’ past is fabricated, and after years of searching, FR33DOM believes they finally have an opening.

What exactly Reyes’ connection is with Expansion and de Luca, they don’t know, but they’re intent on finding out.

By 2024, Raymond Black and de Luca are the only remaining original members of the Board. de Luca’s power over Enlightenment has greatly increased, and with it, so has his arrogance; he believes they should be pushing more, demanding more of the subjects. With this increase in power, more and more of the workers of the Project have aligned themselves with him over Black, and are quick to agree with him - there is guaranteed money in it for them, after all, so why wouldn’t they agree? de Luca demands that they pay more attention to ARES, of which Reyes continues to be the only subject, and Black, feeling cornered, agrees.

Some of de Luca’s mercenaries are then taken in and put through the same torture as Reyes.

de Luca informs Reyes of this development in person, but Reyes does not react well. Despite his conditioning and the years of torture and knowing only the lab, he has a hatred for Enlightenment, Expansion, and de Luca; he has a hatred for the world, for forcing him into this position and allowing him to experience what he has, and so Reyes does not react well to knowing that it will happen again. A fight occurs between the two, and Reyes throws de Luca from a window.

The vigilantes from FR33DOM watch this unfold. They watch Reyes leave, and they follow him.

But Reyes’ heightened senses alert him to this, and, reacting badly because he does not know how to react any other way, he ends up nearly killing one of them - but de Luca has awoken by this point, and he has activated Reyes’ collar, and Reyes is brought down and his GPS activated so that he can be collected and returned to Enlightenment to ‘cool down’ - but FR33DOM took him instead for questioning.

It was easy enough for them to disable the chip, to wake him up, to interrogate him - but as he slowly grew conscious again and the shadows began to react to his panic, he was slowly embraced by them, drawing towards him protectively. This led to the FR33DOM vigilantes to re-enable his chip and leave him on the side of the road, where Enlightenment security found him, and brought him back for questioning.

de Luca was disappointed, but not to a level that would agree to Reyes being ‘disposed of.’ His punishment was a month in solitary, and Reyes took it, but did not feel bad for what he did to de Luca - his only regret was that he didn’t kill him.

When Reyes’ confinement was finished, and he was able to go back to his apartment, he found a man sitting on his bed, wearing a plague doctor’s mask. Despite Reyes’ recent ‘episode’ and his upbringing, Reyes’ apartment was not under surveillance; FR33DOM had discovered this, and had deemed it a good enough risk to send in one of their own to talk to Reyes and discover who he was and his connection to de Luca. They had been waiting for the month, and had begun to lose hope, when finally they discovered that Reyes was no longer in Expansion (they had hijacked the connection to his chip, and could see his location and the other details provided by it, just as Enlightenment can.)

Reyes told the truth, because he was never taught to lie.

CURRENTLY: FR33DOM is attempting to recruit Reyes into their ranks and use him to take down Expansion from the inside, but he continues to resist their advances, despite his hatred for de Luca. He does not trust anyone easily, and they’re no exception. Reyes continues to practice his abilities, and is slowly coming to the realization that he wants out from underneath de Luca’s thumb completely. The freedom offered to him currently just isn’t enough.

so i'm going to preface this by saying that these are entirely my own opinions, i in no way think these opinions are superior, but they are based on how i've been feeling lately, no matter how accurate or misplaced those feelings may be.

i’m addressing some things i’ve noticed in the shinee fandom (not as a whole, but regularly) lately that have been bothering me.

 you have every right to disagree with me, and i will gladly talk through these disagreements if you'd like to, so long as your response is respectful and acknowledges that i'm permitted to have my own stance here, because i definitely believe you are permitted to have yours. please don't bother responding to this unless you actually read everything. i know it's very long, and i apologize if i don't word things clearly or make errors in communicating myself accurately. please give me some leeway in this, as these words are coming from a really raw place, and i don't entirely trust myself to speak with confidence. 

also please note that some of this may be triggering. i talk about jonghyun and some of the feelings i had after his death, so please be aware of that as you read. i've marked the section where i begin to discuss this with an asterisk (*). 

here we go. first, some background. i got in deep into kpop a couple of years ago after taemin's press it album was released, and found myself falling in love with not only taemin's music but also with  shinee's. i was really attracted to their talent, their varied discography, and their personalities. but what really sealed the deal for me were shawols. i joined tumblr originally under the url @/celes-tae, (i'd been on tumblr for years prior under another url, but never posted kpop content) and as a new blogger i didn't understand everything at first but i felt really comfortable right away. shawols seemed kind, mature, intelligent... so many things that i really craved in companionship with others, even if it was just online. i felt like i was a little late to the game (at the time i was 23 and was really only a casual listener of kpop before then), but i felt like that didn't matter to this fandom. people were so kind, and as i began to embrace a role as a content-creator i really felt like i was appreciated and accepted into this niche that i really loved. beyond that, i was able to form friendships that have proven to be really valuable to me and have really touched my heart. at the time, i really felt like shawols were generally more accepting than other fandoms i dabbled in. this is based mostly off of some of the people and words i came across on this website, and of course not as an accurate representation of any fandom as a whole, but i felt for a very long time that i would be one of those people who only stanned one group and that group would be shinee, because everything else seemed to complicated to grasp for a newcomer like me. as i got more into the music, though, i realized that there were so many other great things i was missing out on, and i steadily became more multifandom, first with getting more into monsta x than the casual fan i had been up until that point, and then with seventeen. i also started listening to bts more, because i really liked their music, but i distanced myself from the fandom simply because it felt really complex and it wasn't something i wanted to take the effort to navigate and find my place in at the time. this went on for a while, and i made friends with so many people and started making content for monsta x and seventeen in addition to shinee and just did what made me happy, and none of this ever had a negative impact on my friendships or more casual interactions on tumblr, at least none that were made evident to me. i went to shinee concerts and made more friends, gushed about new content  and new music with others, and it was all so lovely... even with the occasional controversies among shawols nothing ever really seemed to break us or cause major discord, and i was so proud of that.   on november 2, 2017, i accidentally deleted my blog (then @/taeminihyuk), and had to remake. i was devastated because of the content i lost, of course, but mostly because i knew it would be difficult if not impossible to reestablish all of the connections i'd made with people via that blog. this didn't end up being the case though. i was welcomed back by old friends and made TONS of new ones, many of whom i'm close with now. since remaking, i've felt so much positivity and love from others and seen so much of these same emotions exchanged on my dash, and i can't help but smile. of course this is just a website, and is in no way a replacement for flesh and blood human relationships, but that doesn't mean it can't have a vastly positive impact on people's lives, because it really has on mine. through this blog i've been exposed to music and art that has directly inspired me in my own life, and brought me out of some pretty dark places. i think that's what this should be about more than anything. not notes or fame or awards or streams, but the real evidenced impact that being a fan of a musician, or any art, can bring. please keep this in mind as you read on. * when jonghyun passed away, i felt a sadness that i've never felt before. i won't say it's the worst pain i've ever felt, but it was different, more suffocating and unexpected, than any pain i'd experienced up until then. in no way am i insinuating that you are wrong in your reactions to his death if you feel differently from how i did. i know that for many people there was no worse pain than the reality of losing him, and these feelings are valid, and you are entitled to feel and react to that sadness however you want. for me though, the heartbreak came not only from the sudden loss, but also in viewing everything that shattered afterward. in the people i knew and some who didn't, who were broken. at first, as with any devastation, people came together in support of one another. i received messages from bloggers i'd never interacted with before, who wanted to just check on me and let me know they were there if i needed them. i did my best to reciprocate that sentiment and tried to be a source of comfort for people. in many ways this was harmful though, because i didn't spend enough time actually grieving, and in many ways i'm still feeling some of the repercussions of that. regardless, the love and care that i saw from other people in those weeks following his death are things i'll look back on with gratefulness probably forever. 

as time wore on though, that sense of camaraderie faded. it's natural for that to happen, but it left room for lots of negative voices to ring louder than others. people started policing others for their expressions of grief or lack thereof. people who identified as shawols were telling others that they weren't entitled to grieve if they hadn't been fans of him before his death. people used jonghyun's name to push agendas that were problematic at best and downright harmful at worst. the ways people talked to each other changed. there was no more delicacy, at least not in the louder voices. when i noticed a lot of these things, i felt myself pulling away even more. because i was immersed in other groups, i spoke less about shinee. i still blogged quietly, but i didn't feel like i could really participate in the fandom anymore, because i wanted to compartmentalize and go back to the reasons why i got into kpop in the first place, which at the time seemed separate from shinee. i wanted to feel warm again, and all of the fighting and discourse was stripping that away, in my view. i didn't identify with single-fandom shawols that viewed them as their everything because i hadn't been around for years and years, as i said, i only got into all of this in early 2016, so it wasn't as embedded in my life and my understanding of my relationships and choices as it was for others. i also didn't identify with people who weren't shawols, the "i'm not a shawol, but..." mentality, because i still very much felt that i was a shawol at heart. i kept drifting back and forth between feeling like i had a place and was content in my understanding of what shinee was to me and then just being really confused, and sometimes i felt alone and hurt. when onew, key, minho, and taemin went ahead with the tokyo dome concerts, i had mixed feelings. i wanted them to take time to rest and grieve, i wanted them to be happy above everything, but i knew there was nothing i could do to help them in that regard, and a really selfish part of me wanted them to keep making music because i thought "i can't lose this too." i live-streamed the audio for the first night, and it was terrible, but also really good for me, because i finally felt like a shawol again. i finally felt like i was part of that community, and i could really grieve. this next paragraph is a bit of an aside, but the concerns i express here directly play into my discussion of shinee later, so please read it too: after monsta x tickets went on sale a few months ago, i saw a lot of worrying stuff that really bothered me. ticketing was a nightmare, and a lot of monbebes who really loved monsta x weren't able to get the tickets they wanted or couldn't get tickets at all. some people lashed out at those who had gotten tickets, saying things like "i only stan monsta x" or "they're everything to me" or "i've been here since debut" and then insinuating or even downright stating that the people who didn't meet those criteria or were multifandom didn't deserve tickets. this was a really ugly side of the monsta x fandom that i'd never really seen before, and it made me feel ostracized, because i considered myself multifandom and had gotten a good ticket to the concert. this blew over, as most things do, but i think that this mentality has really tarnished the fandom, and i still see hints of it every now and then, and i wish that it wasn't there. as rumors of a shinee comeback spread, i felt mixed feelings again. i saw more hate than i'd ever seen on my dash, between fandoms and between shawols. misunderstandings that grew out of proportion, people who felt like they couldn't voice anything without being attacked, whether that be happiness that shinee was continuing or sadness that they were going to release music for the first time without jonghyun. i want to take this time to say that no matter what your feelings are regarding shinee's comeback, they are valid because they are yours. personally, i'm excited, but again i am also absolutely devastated. all of my happiness is two fold with sadness, and i say that as someone who has only been a fan through 2 comebacks, so i can't imagine what its like for others, and i won't try to speak for you. for me, this comeback has been a weird mix of excitement and disappointment. i'm excited because it seems like onew, key, minho, and taemin are releasing music because they want to do it. i'm disappointed because it feels like jonghyun is being left behind. i don't know if there's any way to not feel like this. some of this has to do with sm removing his memorial. some of this has to do with the ambiguity surrounding the album and whether or not he had an influence on or part in it.... ....some of this disappointment has to do with some of the behavior i'm seeing from shawols. tumblr has a kind of discourse surrounding it where sarcasm runs amok and softness is often taboo. but i am going to take the time to make a few things clear, as far as my opinions are concerned. i think it is TOTALLY okay to only stan shinee. that is your choice. you are in control of your likes and dislikes, your loves and hates. however, it is NOT okay to belittle other people for calling themselves shawols while also stanning other groups. i haven't seen much of this in a blunt sense on my dash, but i have seen hints at exclusionism (that's not a word, but roll with it), that i find really terrible, because it's ostracizing and belittling to people who really love shinee and want to support them. i think it is TOTALLY okay to say that you don't like _____'s music or even that you hate it, but to insinuate that a person who likes that group/it's music is unintelligent because they like it is NOT okay. people are allowed to like what they like, and you need to be respectful of that. i think it is TOTALLY okay to point out the realities of why you don't like a group, like their music, or don't like their negative fans, but i don't think it's okay to ball up everyone in the same group and say "____ fandom needs to shut up" or "you aren't a shawol so you aren't valid." this is really harmful for a lot of reasons. some i can't really express in words right now, but please know that these are toxic viewpoints in my opinion, and i want you to think about your words and their consequences before you say something like this. i would like to note that a lot of these problems i'm addressing come after loads of bullshit from anons and other people who have insulted shawols, belittled them, and driven them to anger. i understand why it's frustrating, and i know i've said problematic things when i was feeling attacked, too. i have to ask though, why are we fighting fire with fire? you may feel like you've been stripped of your ownership to this one thing you find comfort in, but i ask you, please don't push people away so you can cling to it harder. there's enough room for everyone. this isn't finite. i can't speak for jonghyun, but i can speak to the feelings i had after he died, the things i saw on this website that were so overwhelmingly comforting during a time when it felt like nothing mattered. that the only thing to do was find a way out. i really want shawols to think about how they are interacting, not only with other fandoms, but with each other. don't do the same things you criticize other people for. the similar, although different breed of elitism i saw after monsta x tickets were released and people said "you're not a real monbebe if...." has now been mirrored on my dash to statement like "you're not a real shawol if...." and i'm disappointed and sad to see it. again, i want to reiterate that it's definitely permissible to stan one group. to identify only as a shawol and nothing else. just please do that with words of love and respect. i want to say a lot more, and i feel like what i've said didn't come out the way i wanted it to, but i'm going to wrap this up now, and hope that i don't come across too terribly. i just want people to be kind to each other, and to be inclusive. maybe that's naive of me, but i really wish for it, and i'm not ashamed of that. think about the reasons you came here in the first place. they're positive, right? remember that there are a lot of people here who are new to this, and they need to see that there's good here. please be kind always. - logan

The Science & Spirituality Connection

How to utilize Positivity, the Law of Attraction and Setting Intentions to Manifest your desires

Last night was the full moon. I set intentions, released toxicity, family or religious blocks, karmic ties and more. Above, in the picture you can examples of what can be manifested and positive affirmations to create momentum of positive thought. Sounds so cheesy, I know, but once I got intentional about this type of stuff, I witnessed magic. Just a bit at first, a tiny ripple. Then, after doing it Again.

Again. Again.

The ripple became a wave; so I continue.

The law of attraction really works. When you are in vibrational alignment with who you truly are it works in amazing ways. To practice the law of attraction you simply express gratitude for what you have and you claim what you want to attract to you as if it were yours already. It's somewhat of a sit down, a one-on-one chat with the creator and no one knows you better.

SPEAK IT INTO EXISTENCE

Share what you want, need and desire. Express gratitude for what you now have. Write these down for stronger momentum and faster manifesting; look at it as you co-signing your request like " Yep, still want it." Then, do your best to live your life with intention. Turn dreams into plans and do something each day to propel you in their direction.

Be as positive as possible. When you are practicing attracting what you want be sure to clear the mind of cluttered thoughts, your to-do list, noise or your worries and stress. It is okay, even encouraged to unplug, get off the phone and get to a place where you feel comfortable and at peace to converse with God about what matters to you most.

The Bible states that God says " Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10 .....

However, depending on a person's background, beliefs and religion; some will say meditate, some say pray some call it positivity, others call it optimism; still generally the same things.

Another example is:

The Golden Rule: Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you.......equals

Be good, Do good, Receive Good.......equals

You reap what you sow........ equals in yet another another religion, "Karma" .

Still the same message, the same truth just from another's angle; a different view.

Most of the religious texts say the same things; they are just said differently. . We humans then, get nit-picky over who's book is right and whose group is wrong. However, they basically all say the same message just in a way that is familiar to each individual religious group's demographic.

Especially in Christianity, we see one Bible, one religious text, but in various churches, within various religions, interpreted in various ways.

Another example is,

"Be Still" in the Bible verse ......can also mean Meditate..... which can mean prayer also.

OR THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS SUCH AS;

Pray. Come to me. Meditate. Come rest. You're not alone. God is with us. Come near to God. I am with you always.,..........if given some thought, could also translate into God-is Within, he's near, always!

When you get ready to have your chat with source you have to look within at who you are. You have to listen to learn.

Learn yourself and guess what, you learn what your true authentic soul needs. You can do this anytime anywhere; aloud, silently or in writing. What counts is the thought, the intention and the vibration!

It's not about the church congregation, tithes, popularity, politics, the best dressed, the choir or singing from hymnals.

It's about you following your bliss, knowing who you are, accepting who you are and knowing God has been right there all along waiting to lock arms with you!

The Science and Spirituality Connection

Everything is Relative; we are all connected and everything around us is also connected via energy, vibrations, intentions and yes, our thoughts.

These are Universal scientific truths. Now, how did we end up here, on this Earth, and always seem to be defending, arguing or debating our familiar religious beliefs.

The thing is, is that these universal laws are just that, universal; they cover us all; us living, breathing, heart-beating people. They will respond to our vibration and reciprocate it whatever kind it us; so be mindful of your thoughts and how you ask.

There's enough God and Universe to hear all of our desires and what we're manifesting into existence. Most religious groups have almost exactly the same beliefs, same religious texts and often even worship the same God??? So how did we get here, with so many different religions worshipping the same or similar God and reading the same religious texts yet we still can't see the similarities; only differences. Many STILL feel justified judging other's because maybe they call another religion a different name or maybe their text reads in a foreign language or it's difficult to understand.

Indeed, the ego can get life twisted! I think if early on, Religions had focused on and fed the soul instead of the ego; there would be less division amongst the churches now;More folks would be aligned to their callings rather than agendas and aligned with Authenticity not traditions and conditioned beliefs.

We somehow have felt justified judging each other's beliefs just for calling the same things by various names. To me, it seems like ego was running things early on in our religious history. The dividing religions into subgroups began, and not long after that some groups were at war, some were persecuted, religious texts were altered, changed and edited so that certain parts of the texts align with their groups special interests.

It's more important to align with God, your source. Lock arms with Creator and allow guidance along the road he made you to take. # theintuitivewildflower

Wow!

How far outside ourselves, away from the light within us, did this controlling behavior take us; the stubborn ego. Pretty far gone, in my opinion.

The law of attraction is still looked down on by many Christian religious groups because they consider it New Age! HELLO?!! It's not new age, it's just been around for ages. It remains unchanged and underused. Yet, the Bible shows us and tells us more than once to think positively; thinking on pure, just and true things.

It also tells us to ask for what we desire, believe and have faith that it's on its way. Then we will receive it. IF THAT'S NOT A BIBLICAL CO-SIGNING OF THE LAWS OF ATTRACTION AND POSITIVITY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO TELL YOU EXCEPT THE SAME AS I SAID BEFORE......

Everything is connected.

Still today, groups continue picking out certain verses from the text as if they were never part of the spiritual equation to begin with. In addition, scriptures can get edited, added in or taken out depending on the groups independent policies. Here's the deal, there are differences and similarities in all religions. There is often more than one way to do the right thing.

There is so much hate, pain, sadness and ignorance being displayed these days. Does anyone feel like we are moving backwards? We have been, we still are and now we have momentum in the wrong direction. Is anyone trying to align with their soul purpose anymore?

The momentum we need created is like kids playing in a pool, walking together in one direction to create a stronger current. Round and round we go.

It is time to turn it around, be united, go against the negative flow and question everything. Soon, we will have built up more positive momentum and then, we begin to have positive changes and manifestations come into fruition; quicker, easier and more often!! It truly does start within each of us! Do your own studies and research on these topics. Figure out what you really believe in after looking at your world from another angle.

In the end you see, it's about pursuing your purpose with a passion.

It's about INTENTIONALLY LIVING VS. JUST WAITING TO DIE. Are you living long or walking dead??? Asleep, woke or in between?Either way, do your own research, ask questions and if you don't, then, practice the law of attraction or manifesting your desires a little bit. You might be surprised at the changes just a little thought can create.

It is about having self- love as a healthy boundary so you don't try to give what you don't have. Self-love helps you to be selfless with others without getting burned. It allows you to say NO if YOUR best interest isn't considered or valued. Learn yourself and love yourself, learn from your past, apply the lessons and wait.....the lessons be we don't master will come back around to have you try again.

Leave out the self- love and find yourself drained, hurt, broke or depressed; maybe all of the above? First, love yourself. Feel Joy. Grow. Evolve. Learn yourself. Experience more Joy. Protect your energy. Follow your bliss. Express gratitude. Be Joyful. Think positive. Feed your soul. Starve the ego. Radiate love. Align with your purpose. Share it Joyfully and watch your Joy multiply then it will ripple out to others and back again.

You can do this by being intentional about protecting your energy. Be authentically you; all the time accepting ALL that makes you who you are; both the light and the dark. Then, work to feed the light most and keep your shadow in check. If you can starve the ego and other distractions while uplifting the soul ....

SELF-LOVE ISN'T SELFISH.

You cannot pour from an empty cup. It's your responsibility to make sure your soul is nourished enough to start giving pieces of it to anyone else.

Be intentional about protecting your energy.

YOU CAN......

Learn ways to vibrate higher.

Think positive.

Master your lessons.

Quiet your mind.

Lessen anxiety.

Manifest your desires.

Positive thoughts are exactly how you start to create positive momentum toward what you desire. This is where you begin manifesting what you want, feeling joy and believing in magic and miracles because you'll witness them!

YOU CAN....

Rise above negativity, negative people and their petty pursuits for gain!

You can check yourself yourself when you start noticing your energy isn't feeling as good as you like it too.

Find ways to vibrate higher that are personally unique to you.

For myself, I like music, country drives, journaling or creative expression through art.

In a jam? Hustle and bustle goes your day and overwhelm sets in right?? I get it!

Getting grounded

You can do some quick anxiety busting grounding. Here is one I have found to work for me in a pinch Go outside. Count to 10. Find five things each you can :

Taste Touch Smell See and Hear.

Tips to help you vibrate higher

ONE thing that never fails me when I need a shift in energy or when I find myself thinking with a victim mindset again;

it happens…..you don’t need to dwell on it but you do need to change it as quickly as possible!

Music, for me, is the best way to get an energy shift quick! I have taken the time to make a suggestion of tracks that create good vibes, the lyrics are positive and the beats are gonna get you feeling up when you are down, If you think you could benefit from that too check out this link I made to take you to my special playlists at amazon!! https://amzn.to/2pINWXy

Whatever you gotta do to flip the script, do it. Replace negative with positive. This is how you create positive momentum of thought. This is where you begin manifesting what you want; where Joy resides waiting on you to align with it!

Manifest your JOY.

Peace, Love and Blessings to you this week and always.

Karyn Dee

#theintuitivewildflower

Related post: https://theintuitivewildflower.tumblr.com/post/177311384980/heal-love-yourself-feel-joy-grow-evolve-learn

Why Some People Don't Want a Covid-19 Vaccine

Social media is rife with posts disparaging the vaccine hesitant – but these reactions to a complex and nuanced issue are doing more harm than good.

— By David Robson

— 22nd July 2021

There should be no doubt about it: Covid-19 vaccines are saving lives.

Consider some recent statistics from the UK. In a study tracking more than 200,000 people, nearly every single participant had developed antibodies against the virus within two weeks of their second dose. And despite initial worries that the current vaccines may be less effective against the Delta variant, analyses suggest that both the AstraZeneca and the Pfizer-BioNTech jabs reduce hospitalisation rates by 92-96%. As many health practitioners have repeated, the risks of severe side effects from a vaccine are tiny in comparison to the risk of the disease itself.

Yet a sizeable number of people are still reluctant to get the shots. According to a recent report by the International Monetary Fund, that ranges from around 10-20% of people in the UK to around 50% in Japan and 60% in France.

The result is becoming something of a culture war on social media, with many online commentators claiming that the vaccine hesitant are simply ignorant or selfish. But psychologists who specialise in medical decision-making argue these choices are often the result of many complicating factors that need to be addressed sensitively, if we are to have any hope of reaching population-level immunity.

The 5Cs

First, some distinctions. While it is tempting to assume that anyone who refuses a vaccine holds the same beliefs, the fears of most vaccine hesitant people should not be confused with the bizarre theories of staunch anti-vaxxers. "They're very vocal, and they have a strong presence offline and online," says Mohammad Razai at the Population Health Research Institute, St George's, University of London, who has written about the various psychological and social factors that can influence people's decision-making around vaccines. "But they’re a very small minority."

The vast majority of vaccine-hesitant people do not have a political agenda and are not committed to an anti-scientific cause: they are simply undecided about their choice to take the injection.

The good news is that many people who were initially hesitant are changing their mind. "But even a delay is considered a threat to health because viral infections spread very quickly," says Razai. This would have been problematic if we were still dealing with the older variants of the virus, but the higher transmissibility of the new Delta variant has increased the urgency of reaching as many people as quickly as possible.

Fear of needles is a leading reason why many are reluctant to take the vaccine, research suggests (Credit: Jasmine Merdan/Getty Images)

Fortunately, scientists began studying vaccine hesitancy long before Sars-Cov-2 was first identified in Wuhan in December 2019, and they have explored various models which attempt to capture the differences in people's health behaviour. One of the most promising is known as the 5Cs model, which considers the following psychological factors:

Confidence: the person's trust in the vaccines efficacy and safety, the health services offering them, and the policy makers deciding on their rollout

Complacency: Whether or not the person considers the disease itself to be a serious risk to their health

Calculation: The individual's engagement in extensive information searching to weigh up the costs and benefits

Constraints (or Convenience): How easy it is for the person in question to access the vaccine

Collective responsibility: The willingness to protect others from infection, through one's own vaccination

In 2018, Cornelia Betsch at the University of Erfurt in Germany and colleagues asked participants to rate a series of statements that measured each of the 5Cs, and then compared the results with their actual uptake of relevant procedures, such as the influenza or the HPV vaccine. Sure enough, they found that the 5Cs could explain a large amount of the variation in people's decisions, and consistently outperformed many other potential predictors – such as questionnaires that focused more exclusively on issues of trust without considering the other factors.

It is useful to examine the various cognitive biases that are known to sway our perceptions

In currently unpublished research, Betsch recently used the model to predict people's uptake of the Covid-19 vaccines, and her results so far suggest that the 5Cs model can explain the majority of the variation in people's decisions.

There will be other contributing factors, of course. A recent study from the University of Oxford suggests that a fear of needles is a major barrier for around 10% of the population. But the 5Cs approach certainly seems to capture the most common reasons for vaccine hesitancy.

Confirmation Bias

When considering these different factors and the ways they may be influencing people's behaviour, it is also useful to examine the various cognitive biases that are known to sway our perceptions.

Consider the first two Cs – the confidence in the vaccine, the complacency about the dangers of disease itself.

Most people hesitant about taking the vaccine do not have anti-scientific views like the small minority of anti-vaccine protesters (Credit: Tolga Akmen/AFP/Getty Images)

Jessica Saleska at the University of California, Los Angeles points out that humans have two seemingly contradictory tendencies – a "negativity bias" and an "optimism bias" that can each skew people’s appraisals of the risks and benefits.

The negativity bias concerns the way you appraise events beyond your control. "When you're presented with negative information, that tends to stick in your mind," says Saleska. The optimism bias, in contrast, concerns your beliefs about yourself – whether you think you are fitter and healthier than the average person. These biases may work independently, meaning that you may focus on the dangerous side effects of the vaccines while simultaneously believing that you are less likely to suffer from the disease, a combination that would reduce confidence and increase complacency.

It is easy to dismiss someone else's decisions if you don't understand the challenges they face in their day-to-day lives

Then there's the famous confirmation bias, which can also twist people's perceptions of the risks of the virus through the ready availability of misinformation from dubious sources that exaggerate the risks of the vaccines. This reliance on misleading resources means that people who score highly on the "calculation" measure of the 5Cs scale – the people who actively look for data – are often more vaccine hesitant than people who score lower. "If you already think the vaccination could be risky, then you type in 'is this vaccination dangerous?', then all you are going find is the information that confirms your prior view," says Betsch.

Remember that these psychological tendencies are extremely common. Even if you have accepted the vaccine, they have probably influenced your own decision making in many areas of life. To ignore them, and to assume that the vaccine hesitant are somehow wilfully ignorant, is itself a foolish stance.

Health authorities need to produce simple, easy to understand information which shows the vaccine is safe (Credit: Tang Ming Tung/Getty Images)

Nor should we forget the many social factors that might influence people's uptake – the "constraints/convenience" factor in the 5Cs. Quite simply, the perception that a vaccine is difficult to access will only discourage people who are already sitting on the fence. When we spoke, Betsch suggested that this might have slowed the uptake in Germany, which has a very complicated system to identify who is eligible to receive the vaccine at any one time. People would respond much more quickly, she says, if they received automatic notifications.

Razai agrees that we need to consider the question of convenience, particularly for those in poorer communities who may struggle with the time and expense of the journey to a vaccination centre. "Travelling to and from that may be a huge issue for most people who are on minimum wage or unemployment benefits," he says. That's why it's often best for the vaccines to be administered in local community centres. "I think there has been anecdotal evidence of it being more successful in places of worship, mosque, gurdwaras, and churches."

Finally, we need to be aware of the context of people's decisions, he says – such as the structural racism that might had led certain ethnic groups to have lower overall trust in medical authorities. It is easy to dismiss someone else's decisions if you don't understand the challenges they face in their day-to-day lives.

Opening a Dialogue

So what can be done?

There is no easy solution, but health authorities can continue to provide easy-to-digest, accurate information address the major concerns. According to a recent report by Imperial College London's Institute of Global Health Innovation (IGHI), the major barriers continue to be patient's concerns about the side effects and the fears that the vaccines haven’t been adequately tested.

I would urge governments to stop thinking they can reach the mass of niches out there with one mass-market vaccine message – Sarah Jones

For the former, graphics showing the relative risks of the vaccines, compared to the actual disease, can provide some context. For the latter, Razai suggests that we need more education about the history of the vaccines' development. The use of mRNA in vaccines has been studied for decades, for instance – with long trials testing its safety. This meant the technique could be quickly adapted for the pandemic. "None of the technology that has been used would be in any way harmful because we have used these technologies in other areas in healthcare and research," Razai says.

Sarah Jones, a doctoral researcher who co-led the IGHI report, suggests a targeted approach will be necessary. "I would urge governments to stop thinking they can reach the mass of niches out there with one mass-market vaccine message, and work more creatively with many effective communications partners," she says. That might involve closer collaborations with the influencer role models within each community, she says, who can provide "consistent and accurate information" about the vaccines' risks and benefits.

Making vaccine centres easy for locals to get too - like this one in India - makes them more likely to be used (Credit: Sunil Ghosh/Hindustan Times/Getty Images)

However they choose to deliver the information, health services need to make it clear that they are engaging in an open dialogue, Razai says – rather than simply dismissing them out of hand. "We have to listen to people's concerns, acknowledge them, and give them information so they can make an informed decision."

Saleska agrees that it's essential to engage in a two-way conversation – and that's something that we could all learn as we discuss these issues with our friends and family. "Being respectful and recognising their concerns – I think that could actually be more important than just spitting out the facts or statistics," she says. "A lot of the time, it's more about the personal connection than it is about the actual information that you provide."

* David Robson is the author of The Intelligence Trap: Why Smart People Do Dumb Things. His next book is The Expectation Effect: Transform Your Health, Fitness, Productivity, Happiness and Ageing, to be published in early 2022. He is @d_a_robson on Twitter.