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#Like im so fucking repressed right now I need to get back into my swing of things hopefully even stronger than before Im so thrown off stil

4arconinoma · 5 months

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I need to be autistic about Diamond is Unbreakable again its been too long Did you know that i love Jojos biarre adventure part four diamond is unbreakable did you know that about me did you know that

#I need to be autistic about all my passions in general again The entire month of october and november i couldnt do jackshit #I was too caught up with my school/college attempt things i neeed to start thinking about my stuff againw because Im free now #Like im so fucking repressed right now I need to get back into my swing of things hopefully even stronger than before Im so thrown off stil #Anyways i never did finish that DiU essay I was going to do and I wont blame myself for it because Its actually a bit hard to essay about #media because i havent really done that before. Ill have to pay attention to how video essayists do it #Not only that but im not used to essaying in English i havent figured out how to structure it properly that way yet #But still I hope to do it sometime. If not i dont care though. Im satisfied rambling about it #I need to rewatch it again soon I remember every second but I still need to do it #txt #jjba

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angrylizardjacket · 5 years

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ask your destiny to dance [16] {Roger Taylor}

[masterpost]

“I can’t speak to her.” Roger’s got his head on a bar in a pub that’s not Ash’s.

“Can I go back to pretending I don’t know what was going on?” Brian asks, taking a long sip of his drink and gazing out at the crowd. It’s been over a week since Ash had stayed over, and they hadn’t seen her since. It’s not like she’d even asked about him, or made a move to contact him; sometimes they go a full fortnight before seeing one another, but Roger’s been fretting for almost eight days internally, and for the past twenty minutes externally, since he’d finished his first drink.

“She said she loves me.” Roger groaned, lifting his head to weakly order another pint.

“From what you’ve told me, she wasn’t even fully conscious; it’s not like it counts.” Brian had never seen Roger downright distressed like this, it would be funny if it wasn’t bordering on annoying.

“No, that means she was extra honest,” Roger groaned, downing half his beer in on go, to which Brian could only roll his eyes.

“Or she was still asleep and thought you were Jack Nicholson.” After a beat, Brian goes back to watching Roger brood over his glass. “Boo hoo, Rog,” he shoved the blonde lightly, to which Roger just leveled a glare at him, “a girl you’ve been seeing for months maybe has feelings for you. It’s not like it’s the end of the world.”

“It’s only been since I broke up with Kristin,” he’s adamant about that and Brian lets him have it, for now. In retrospect, he feels like an idiot for not seeing it sooner; Brian’s not sure when it started, but it’s definitely a lot longer than Roger’s willing to admit. “And it doesn’t mean nothing, but it also... it’s never meant something. Like it’s something but it’s not something. It’s just fucking around and having fun.” And Roger swivels on the bar stool, joining Brian in looking out over the crowd, before they spot Freddie crashing through the door, making a beeline for them once he’d spotted them.

“Alright, what did I miss?” Freddie asked, though the other two were quiet as he ordered a beer. Before either could get a word in edgewise, Freddie props his chin on his hand on the bar, and announces; “Roger you look like shit, what’s wrong?”

“I’m pretty sure he’s in love with Ash, and he thinks she’s in love with him.” Brian says blithely, and Freddie nods with understanding as Roger tells them to both sod off, and he stalks through to join the crowd on the dance floor. “She said she loved him in her sleep.” Brian explains, taking the chair Roger just freed, sliding into place beside Freddie.

“I’ve never seen him this worked up about someone before.” Freddie admitted, and Brian nodded in agreement, the two of them barely able to see his blonde hair for the crowd, and they lost sight of him soon enough.

“What do you think? Has Ash said anything?” Brian’s gaze slides to Freddie’s who just rolls his eyes.

“I think my dear Ash has never in her life loved a man who’s deserved it,” Freddie mused, though his lips twisted into a smirk, “that’s not to say she’s a saint, far from it, but compared to the others, Roger is a breath of fresh air.”

“Isn’t that a sad thought.” Brian said faintly, before heaving a sigh. “Well, I know we haven’t been here long,” he got to his feet, finishing off his drink and looking around for his housemate, “but if I don’t drag him home he’s going to do something stupid in his current state.”

“Like that pretty, brunette thing over there?” Freddie asks, pointing to where Roger’s already got his lips on a wavy-haired brunette at the side of the room. Freddie’s pretty sure he sees Brian’s soul leave his body for a moment, and watches everything play out like a terrible Shakespearean comedy for which he was the only audience member.

“He’s a danger to himself.” Brian takes Freddie’s drink from his hands and takes a long gulp before passing it back, though Freddie doesn’t seem likely to complain.

“He seems rather fine,” Freddie watches Roger go in for a hickey on the girl with a morbid, voyeuristic interest, taking another sip of his drink, “and you know he and Ash aren’t technically exclusive.”

“Yeah but there’s three options here; Ash finds out and gets pissed and I have to hear about it because apparently now that I know I’m all in on this disaster,” Brian lists on his fingers with a theatricality Freddie had rarely seen from him before, though he’d rarely seen Brian this exasperated before, so perhaps it was merely that, “two, Ash isn’t pissed, sleeps with someone else, and Roger gets pissed because he’s in love with her-”

“Which is unfair, what a tremendous double standard.”

“Yes, we all know Roger’s a hypocrite.” Brian sighed, casting a glance over his shoulder at Roger, before turning back to Freddie.

“And three?” The other man prompted, and Brian picked up his empty pint glass.

“I kill him with this glass because I’m sick of his sulking.” He says bluntly, and Freddie’s all for the third option, but he begrudgingly helps pull Roger away, to which the drummer complains the whole time.

“Where are we going?” Roger demands to know when they head in the opposite direction of his apartment, a sentiment that Brian mirrors, though he doesn’t seem inclined to question Freddie’s direction outright. Freddie always had a plan. The man in question wrapped an arm around Roger’s shoulders.

“You’re going to confront your problems, Rog.” He sounds so decisive, as if it wasn’t a plan he’d come up with as they were leaving the bar, and Roger tries to scramble his way out of it, but Brian’s fed up enough with Roger’s complete inability to do anything but run from his problems that he’s willing to take Roger’s arm in an almost iron grip.

“It’ll do both of us a world of good.” Brian tells him as Roger glowers at his housemate.

“You don’t get to decide what’s good for me; what’s good for me was that girl at the bar, she smelled nice and was about three minutes away from banging me in that bathroom.” Roger snarled, wrenching himself out of their grips, though he didn’t run this time, crossing his arms over his chest as he walked with them.

“Rog, we’re not gonna let you ruin a good-” But Brian’s gentle sigh was cut off by more of the blonde blustering.

“That’s so presumptuous!” He stopped in his tracks, scowling between both of his band-mates. “You’re both wankers, selfish fucking wankers. This is kidnapping.” He snaps.

“Fine; if you want to leave, we’re not stopping you.” Freddie offers, gesturing freely at the path behind them. “We’re just trying to help.”

Roger stomped the entire walk to Ash’s apartment.

“What the fuck, guys.” She opens the door with her hair in a messy bun, wearing a pair of sweat pants and a ratty, oversized Beatles shirt. “How did you get in?”

“Your RA let us in; sorry for the interruption, just had to deliver this idiot.” Brian gave Roger’s shoulder a nudge. Roger is looking at anything but Ash. His latest drink had hit him about the same time as he got to her block, and now that he can smell the vanilla candle she likes to burn in her room just beyond her, he just wants to curl up and go to sleep under her duvet. Or fuck her. He’s not quite sure.

“Can I return to sender?” She asks without hesitation, and Roger rolls his eyes. Freddie shoves him forward.

“No.”

Ash doesn’t move, just frowns as Roger stumbles into her space, and she’s automatically got a hand on his chest to steady him. Roger doesn’t seem like he’s there completely of his own free will, but he doesn’t move away from her, even as both Brian and Freddie leave, muttering something about him being ‘her problem now’.

“Care to explain?” She asked, gently walking him backwards and closing her door behind herself. The two of them make their way to the common area, and Roger sits up on the kitchen counter as Ash pours him a glass of water.

“Not really.” He said, sipping the water loudly and swinging his legs so his heels kick the cupboards below. Ash looks like the very sight of him exhausts her, but she rests her hands on her thighs, pressing herself against his legs to still them. “We can fuck whoever we want, Ash.” He says, seriously, and he sees the exact moment she realised the reason for his forced meeting, and he watched her expression fall.

“Yeah of course.” She agrees, crestfallen expression turning quickly to faux apathy. “Did you have fun?” But her heart wasn’t in it.

“They pulled me away, brought me here before anything really happened.” He huffed, taking another long sip. Ash stepped away, yawning loudly and sinking into a chair at the dining table. After a beat, Roger hums thoughtfully. “Ash, what do I mean to you?” And it’s so nonchalant it actually hurts Ash a little.

“I think that’s a really shitty thing to ask right now.” Her answer is automatic, she can’t look at him. “And I think you’re drunk.”

“Ash...” It does register in his mind that he’s said the wrong thing, and it breaks his heart to see her too tired to repress her emotions like she usually would in this situation. Perhaps she assumes he won’t even remember this tomorrow. “Ash, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Yeah, I know.” She says softly. “You’re always sorry, and I’m always sorry, and there’s always someone else that feels like a mistake, even though we don’t technically need to apologise.” Shaking her head, she sighs deeply. “This isn’t the time for this conversation.” She admits, and standing, she takes his hand. “Come to bed, Rog.”

When they’re back in her room, she pulls off her sweat pants and offers them to him without even thinking about it, and he’s quiet, forlorn when he takes them, changing into the borrowed pyjamas. Ash is already tucked into bed when he turns back, back to him, pressed as close to the wall as she can get with her head pillowed on her hand, not even attempting to co-opt some of the pillow for herself. There’s sewing equipment out, obviously still in use in the corner of her room, a blouse half sewn and still in the machine where it was left when it’s creation had been interrupted by a knock at the door.

When he slides into bed beside her, reaches out to rest a hand on her shoulder - an apology? a reassurance? just a need for human contact? - she shrugs him off, murmurs a quiet ‘don’t’.

“I panicked.” They’re back to back, and the bedside lamp has been turned off. Roger isn’t even sure if Ash is still awake. He speaks into the silence, made honest by the hour and his inebriation. “You told me you loved me and I panicked.”

“Roger... I never said that.” Ash’s voice was confused in the darkness, and Roger feels like his whole world has fallen out from under him. He’s spent over a week considering whether or not she’d remember; if it had been real, whether she’d really meant it, but he’s never quite sure which answer would hurt more.

“You... were mostly asleep.” He admits, and he can feel the way Ash sighs heavily, the shift of her back against his as she tries not to hear it.

“Wow, imagine what kinky shit you and the girl from the bar would have gotten up to if I’d meant it.” She just sounds tired, as though she was trying to end the conversation, as though she hadn’t just shattered Roger’s heart. After a beat, she laughed humorlessly. “What are we doing, Roger?”

“I think Brian’s right.” And his words are enough to startle a weak laugh from Ash. “I want this to be about more than sex, I think.”

“You’re drunk and panicking; don’t worry, I’ll still work with the band if this goes south.” Ash says. Roger won’t take that, can’t let himself fall into the trap of panicking like he’d already fallen into that night. Turning, Roger presses his lips to the back of her neck, and Ash doesn’t like to think about how good it makes her feel.

“I’m sorry-” He tries, but she cuts him off.

“I heard you the first time.” Voice terse, she crosses her arms awkwardly over her chest. “Roger the idea of being with you fucking terrifies me.” She admits, raw and honest, glad he can’t see how conflicted she was. “You were so worried that I was in love with you that you almost slept with someone else, and for what? Were you worried you were losing control of your life? Didn’t want to be tied down?” Roger’s got an arm on her shoulder, rubbing comfortingly as she speaks, and he can feel her shaking.

“I know I’m not a saint, okay, love?” Roger admits, and Ash takes a long moment to consider his words, leaning back a little into his touch, before answering.

“Neither of us are, Roger, and that’s why what we have is so good right now.” Her voice has softened, and Roger stays quiet. “We can talk about it tomorrow.” She says gently, before reaching to link her fingers with his where he’s got his hand on her shoulder. She pulls him closer, and Roger makes a low hum, pressing a quick kiss to her shoulder.

When the morning comes, things are quiet and golden. Neither one knows what to say to the other, but Ash still gets him a cup of tea in the morning, and when he sees the cup with the little cat face on it, Roger feels something tighten in his chest.

“Let’s try this, please.” He asks, expression sincere when he looks at where Ash is tucking herself back into bed, pressing herself against his side. The look she gives him is confused, and then it blooms into something hopeful. “I’m not fucking around here, I mean it.”

When she kisses him, her hand is warm where it had been holding her teacup, and she’s smiling against her lips. There’s a tension in her shoulders, and he can’t stop playing her words back over again in his head, ‘the idea of being with you fucking terrifies me’ and it’s clear that feeling hasn’t vanished over night.

But she’s willing to try.

the ususal suspects: @deakydickfanpage @hollyissuchahoe @laueecakee @smittyjaws @crystalshines2909 @i-am-sarah @legendsaresooftenwarnings @2ptonpt @benhardy24-7 @maiilovely @mickey-yr-a-goner @butter-times @heyyouitskay @tired-eyes-fairy-lights @yepimthatperson @missieluvsmurder @ironqueen98 @ceruleanrainblues @banhbao329@fantasticchaoticwho @ko-kitty @seven-seas-of-hi @mimisfangirlfantasy @aadjuric @rogmobile @cardybenhardy @snacfu @perriwiinkle @the-strange-fan-girl @finite-incantatem-7 @tapetayloe @florencewelchmybiggod

#roger taylor #roger taylor imagine #roger taylor x oc #borhap #bohemian rhapsody #ask your destiny to dance fic #bo rhap #queen #queen imagines #queen imagine #freddie mercury #brian may #borhap imagine #bohemian rhapsody imagine #the angry lizard writes

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swampgallows · 6 years

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it’s becoming harder and harder for me to find solace in places. the guilt inside me is becoming heavy. i know that if i want something, i need to make it happen, but i am so exhausted of having to do everything myself. and the things i do get help with i feel grateful, of course, but then so guilty that i’m needing to be helped that it’s incapacitating. i’m just so late in the game to everything. i’m so outside of life and what other people are doing. i’ve always felt that way, though. i’m never gonna snap into place like they want me to.

i need to pick a career and stuff. i just have to like shot in the dark pick something at this point because there isn’t going to be some divine calling, my pittance from art commissions is not gonna be enough to sustain me (and i dont think i can get to a point where it will), im just so bogged down knowing that everybody is fuckin poor.

part of me wishes i could wake up and just ‘be normal’. that i could throw away all the weird stupid shit in my life. the trashy little kid bracelets, the clown clothes, the nerdy interests, the ugly monsters (what on earth is an ‘orc’?), the hundreds of heavy and just plain weird records that are sooo boring and irritating and repetitive and loud and obnoxious. all the shit i’ve internalized about stuff i am beyond passionate about, the only fuel that keeps me alive and gives me a reason to wake up in the morning. i read once about brain trauma, that someone suffered an injury and when they woke up, all of their interests changed completely. they were a classically-trained musician, iirc, and ended up just selling all of their instruments and getting rid of all their books etc because it had absolutely no value to them anymore. they were completely changed. i dont remember what their new interests became, but... the thought of that has haunted me for over a decade. maybe someone will hit me in the head just right until i wake up and be a normal person who cares about normal, accessible things instead of all this fringe and abrasive fantasy bullshit. what if i woke up one day and became a devout christian? i roll over and my room is foreign to me, along with everything in it, and then i just throw it all away? i start over, stripped clean. tabula rasa. i get good interests instead. relatable adult things, like gourmet food and backpacking. i titter with the girls at the office and wear pencil skirts and focus on landing me a tall dark and handsome.

the thought of becoming that thing is heartwrenching. painful. but it’s all obvious, of course, why i would ever have that masochistic fantasy of completely disowning my worthless oblong self. a me that isn’t ‘ruined’.

i went through my kandi stash the other day trying to find all my kandi with bells on it (I could have sworn i had more). and going through a lot of it was a flood of memories. high school, college, raver days. when i was in high school, all by my lonesome, the only candy kid or rave-associated ANYTHING in my 4000+ fellow students, i had to wear a lot of my own kandi. and i did so as a beacon, a lighthouse, hoping that i could be a beaming signal to any other candy kids who might be in hiding. and i got so dizzy and self-consuming with my repressed interest that i became a zealot about it, being extremely rude and elitist about my interests because i felt a need to protect them. i felt the pressure of them looking to be watered down or erased. i was the same with warcraft.

ten years later i’m not as rude about it, but i feel exactly the same way. in high school i had to wear my own kandi, would have it ripped off of my arms in big fistfuls by those who ostracized me, and had to be tongue-in-cheek and submissive about my passion, my very real and non-ironic DEVOTION to this. thank god on tumblr i can write 4000 word dissertations about garrosh hellscream and some of you crazy fucks actually bother to read it, but sometimes i still feel like that kind of pariah for having a very niche and very specific fixation.

even people who played warcraft when i was in high school told me i took it too seriously because i roleplayed; and even roleplayers in the game told me i took it too seriously because i didnt want to sit around for 6 hours pretending to drink alcohol and trying to get laid, except as an elf. the fact that i really wanted to discuss the lore and delve into the story and the universe of azeroth, of how it would feel to be in that place, to live that life, ostracized me even from the people who claim to feel the same way. but roleplay was never about focusing on how our veins dont surge anymore as undead, how your digestive organs need to be removed post-undeath so they dont explode and rupture and hang out of your bowels like the abominations in the Undercity, how the undead are technically still the same citizens of Loraderon but are being ousted by their living counterparts in neighboring kingdoms. it was just “haha im a funny dead pirate man and i’m going to womanize 12 blood elf women at once behind all of their backs.”

in trying to become a gabber dj too, i felt like i had to take it upon myself because nobody else plays the music that i like. but alll of these things... it feels like i’m just building a house by myself. i feel like nobody truly, at the core, appreciates the intersection of interests that i have, or can only smile and nod at my fervor but not really understand it. and it’s nobody’s fault, nobody is obligated to feel what i feel.

i’m glad people enjoy the garrosh posts and art that i make. and i’m glad that my friends make kandi with me now and encourage me to play gabber. i’m happy when i get some really good RP, even if i have to be the one to walk up every time. i’m glad that people want me to “do the thing”. i just feel like... there is no payoff once it’s done. everyone gets glad that it’s finished, and they enjoy it then, but then it dissolves. nobody is invested in it but me.

i know the solution is to be more accessible, but i can’t seem to imagine anything other than swinging the pendulum in the opposite direction. like, all or nothing. either you take all of my german expressionism with the warcraft meta and the rave shit, or you get nothing. i dont know how to dilute myself and that’s part of what was killing me at my job. i felt like a novelty. a doll. but it wasn’t their fault.. they couldnt relate to what i was talking about and passionate about, and it’s not their fault. they liked me because i was well-spoken and funny and a diligent worker, which are all nice and accessible things, but when nobody can cathect with me, really empathize with me, i feel like a jester. a consumable.

my college roommates would tell me that they loved me because i was so funny. and that’s it. i existed as entertainment, but anything human about me—my passions, my interests, my insights, my memories—meant nothing. even my family will ask me a question and then cut me off in the middle of my sentence, expressing more of just their disbelief or confusion about something than actually seeking information. it’s why i stopped answering customers when they’d ask “how did you dye your hair?” and, like an idiot, i attempted to explain the process to them, thinking they actually wanted to know. but a few words in and their eyes glazed over, probably because they weren’t expecting a “real answer”. i began to accept that any questions directed toward me were closer to passive acknowledgements of me just standing there and existing in their field of vision than any sort of actual desired input from me. it’s like when people ask “how are you?” and you are obligated to say “fine” because it is the rote response. if you actually start talking about how you are doing, you are violating the socially agreed upon script of pleasantries.

i cant do small talk. i cant do scripts. i dont get it. it doesnt make sense to me. and i think retail killed me because of that. i wasn’t a person. i wasn’t even an NPC. i was just a doll. an actor. a pull-string action figure with 5 fun phrases. i was so wacky and weird with my green hair and my silly bracelets and funny observations. ho ho what fun it is to work here with our personal jester to tell us funny stories about her cuh-razy antics she gets up to!

like how nate said “the craziest thing of someone’s year will be seeing someone play the legend of zelda theme on an accordion at a convention and for us that’s just like a walk down the street”.

my feet straddle two divergent worlds and i cant pick just one but im about to fall in the crevice.

man i fuckin love ratatouille man. i fuckin love that film. i cant choose between two halves of myself. even when the halves want the other half dead.

i need a liaison. where’s MY linguini????

#blathering

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rimmothy-timmothy · 6 years

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Dragon!AU Stuff

idk, a little plot stuff for the Dragon!AU -i've been thinking about a dragon!gavin au and im not sure if everyone else is human, or the others are also monsters. I think it'd be cool if it was only Gavin, perhaps Ryan as a lych or something -but like, dragon gavin -He really is, like, this huge dragon, but dragons have magic. The times have changed, the dragons hunted almost to extinction, so the ones who lived had to adapt to survive, transforming into humans.He looks almost completely human, except for his unnaturally green eyes (which glow in the dark)but because he's either locked away in his room hacking or has his golden shades, no one really noticed -The crew think his gold-hoarding habits are a little strange, but Ryan collected some creepy shit so Gavin collecting gold was leagues above thatA joke had started up about him being part dragon because of his habits (just like ryan was probably a grim reaper), and Gavin just smiled and played along, thinking about how right they were -It was when a job went wrong and their plane exploded that he revealed himself. Instead of letting the others fall to their deaths, he transformed and caught them in his claws, carrying them down to the shore unharmed -they all started screaming about it, being like "what the fuck gavin?" while gavin's backing away, afraid of their reactions. -Geoff quiets them and steps forward, oddly calm. That couldn't be a good sign. "Gavin," Geoff starts, and Gavin panics, so instead of waiting for Geoff to continue, he takes off and leaves, them screaming his name after him -Everyone is flipping the fuck out, all talking over each other, yelling at Geoff, and just confused -Geoff hushes them again and tells them about the dragons, and how they had been real. Humans had hunted them to extinction and had thought they were all gone, that's why it wasn't common knowledge. He only knew because his ancestors had been Dragon Hunters, and had kept records of everything. -Geoff continues to explain that Gavin was probably one of the few dragons left, if not the last, and that's why he left, because the crews' reactions weren't very reassuring that they wouldn't kill him. They all murmur and glance at each other, realization and horror setting in.Jeremy asks "will Gavin be okay?" and Geoff shrugs, not knowing. -Gavin, meanwhile, is hiding on an island off of the coast of Los Santos, back in his human form. He wants to go back, but he's afraid that they others would kill him themselves or tell people. News travels fast in this city. -When he transforms, he doesn't lose anything he's wearing or carrying (magic), so he still has his phone and guns. His phone has been constantly buzzing with texts and missed calls, but he's to much of a coward to check it. At one point he thinks about throwing it in the sea, but thinks better of it. -Instead he sits in the branches of a tree, burning small twigs and leaves, leg swinging below him. -He hears a boat approaching the island and goes to check it out, to make sure he didn't have to leave, and when he gets to the shore he freezes. A purple and orange speedboat was quickly approaching the island, and Gavin backs into the trees and hurries back to his camp. -Gavin hadn't seen any weapons, but he didn't want to take a chance. He's about to take off when Jeremy crashes through the trees, yelling. Gavin flaps his wings, but Jeremy jumps and grabs his legs -They're both in the air now, and Jeremy, who's afraid of heights, is screaming -Gavin's first thought is to kick him off and escape, but they're too high, and Jeremy would die, so he stops to hover, growling, "why did you do that" -"I didn't want you to leave again," he says, trying not to look at the ground dozens of feet below them. -Gavin snorts, smoke coming out of his nose, and he brings them back to the ground, laying Jeremy down gently. He goes to take off again, but Jeremy takes his hand and keeps him there, a pleading look on his face -"Please don't go" -"Why, so you can kill me? A dragon heart would fetch a hefty price" -"What-no!" Jeremy shakes his head and starts to talk, a little too quickly, stumbling over his words. He tells gavin that they weren't going to hurt him, of course they wouldn't -he was a part of the crew, a part of the family -why would they try and kill him for being a dragon? Hell, it's cool as fuck -Gavin doesn't believe him, but Jeremy tugs his hand back to the boat, and Gavin follows -When they get back to the mainland everyone rushes over and starts to talk (they have a problem with this), asking how could he leave them, and why he didn't tell them, or how could he think they would hurt him -Gavin gets defensive and says "its hard being a fucking dragon, you realize that. Anyone is just waiting for me to slip up, so they can kill me or do bloody experiments or whatever. I watched my family, my friends get slaughtered, one after another, just for being a dragon. You think I enjoyed that, enjoy not being able to trust anyone?" -He hunches his shoulders and wraps his arms around himself. The others were silent, and when Gavin spoke again, smoke poured out of his mouth. "It fucking sucks because I want to trust all of you, so badly, but I can't." -"Well, why not?" Michael asks, throwing his hands out. "We've proven ourselves over and over again, right?" -Gavin shakes his head, crying, "it doesn't work like that, Michael. Hundreds and hundreds of learned behavior can't be swept under the rug in five." -Geoff steps forward and places a gentle hand on Gavin's arm, quietly saying, "how can we change that?"(edited) -Gavin runs his hands through his hair, pulling at the bleach-blonde strands in frustration. "It's not you guys," he shouts, the ground under his feet bursting into flames. "It's me. Don't you get it, I can't trust you. It's nothing you've done, it's all on me." -"It's not your fault," Jack says, stepping forward too. "We don't expect you to get over that trauma, Gavin." -"Trauma?" Gavin parrots back, letting his arms drop at his sides. The others are standing back, and while they looked at Gavin earnestly they kept away from the fire. -"Yes, Gavin. Watching everyone you know die, and then being alone and in hiding for hundreds of years is trauma." -Gavin looks away and chews his lip, repressed memories swimming to the surface. He hunches his further on himself, tears stinging his eyes, and when -----Jack opens up her arms, Gavin springs forward and hugs her, gripping her shirt as sobs wracks his body -The others instantly move in and begin to comfort him, all saying that he's safe and they would never let anyone hurt him. -When Gavin calms down enough to step away, rubbing his eyes, he gives them a watery smile. "I'd like to try to trust all of you," he says, voice still wavering -As they head back to the penthouse, the others start to berate him with questions. Nothing personal, just what it was like to be a dragon. -"Dude, you can breathe fire? And what was that back on the beach, you didn't even need to breathe fire, the ground just burst into flame." -"Well, yes, I can breathe fire, and as you saw, I don't need to be a dragon to do so. In my human form, the fire is channeled through my limbs instead of my throat. But I can breathe fire in this form, too." -"What's it like to fly?" Jeremy asks. -"Well, it's... it's hard to describe. When I'm not worried about dropping you, it's freeing. The wind in my wings, being able to go anywhere I want. It's exhilarating, especially after not being able to for a while." -"So, the gold thing is your hoard?" Jack asks from the driver's seat. -"Yeah. That's my hoard..." Gavin trailed off and furrowed his brows, a realization coming to him. Everyone looked at him worriedly, but he smiled. "And you guys, I guess. I have the same amount of protection, if not more, with you guys as I would a hoard."

#long post #dragon!au #idk again this is just some plot stuff #im probably gonna write stuff for this later #i already have an angsty thing im working on for this #achievement hunter #fahc #(so it shows up in the tags)

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parkjmini · 6 years

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Precarious // 8

mafia!bts: park jimin precarious: adj. dangerously insecure or unstable Psychotic, that’s how he viewed himself. He was a precise hitman who never made a mistake, until now. Set on an all kill mission, he brings back more than just blood stains. word count: 2710 warnings: explicit language, violence, drugs

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im back from hiatus (-: AND i thought id surprise yall with a chapter of Precarious finally after all these long, waited months anD I made this one a little longer as a treat bc i never update this story )-:

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“Where the fuck have you been all day?” Jungkook pushed Jimin’s chest as he walked through the door. He didn’t respond. You, shyly, tried to hurry pass into Jimin’s room.

“(Y/N), stay.” Jin offered and patted the seat next to him on the couch. Everyone watched as you scurried quickly next to Jin, your head ducking down. It always scared you when all seven of them were gathered together, especially with Namjoon in the room. He terrified you the most.

Peering up, you saw Jimin taking small peaks in your direction. He was leaning coolly against one of the columns. Namjoon stood more in the middle, orchestrating everything. “We have a big shipment tonight. A big expensive shipment.” There was an evil shine over his eyes as he spoke.

“Why can’t Hoseok and Yoongi handle it themselves?” V asked, addressing J-Hope and Suga as their real names. They often tried to call each other by their aliases because you were around, but there was always someone who falters through. V --- Taehyung --- was the one to always forget. He’s messed up enough for you to catch all of their real names.

Steam came out of Namjoon’s ears and his lips remained in a thin line. He exhaled sharply, obviously annoyed with Taehyung’s statement. “Did you not just hear me say it was a big and expensive shipment? Do you think I am an idiot to allow only two of my men to transport when goons are everywhere trying to get their hands on the same stuff? When did we decide that it was okay to question me?”

“Do you want to die, V?” Jin slapped the back of Taehyung’s head. The young boy groaned in pain and apologized. Yoongi merely scoffed and rolled his eyes.

It seemed like Jin was second in command. He was very close with Namjoon and cared for him deeply. You figured out that he was the oldest among all the men. Jin had a bad case of rambling and making small talk.

“Pick up is at 2 AM at the loading docks. There will be two trucks filled with drugs, one arriving at 1:30 AM and the other arriving five minutes after. That’s where we come in. Get on those trucks and complete the exchange.” Namjoon paced and Hoseok leaned back casually in the couch.

“We’re hijacking them?” Jungkook asked.

“Why the big surprise, it’s not the first time you’ve done it.” Namjoon tossed two cream colored folders on the coffee table. Yoongi was quick to shuffle through the papers.

What he said next ran a shiver down your spine, “we’re messing with the cartel? This is going to be fun.”

“No live witnesses. Take care of it.” Namjoon eyed Jungkook and Jimin. They both nodded, but Jimin seemed out of it.

Namjoon scanned the room and he walked towards you. “Stay here and watch the house.”

“I love house watching---” the minute that left your mouth, you regretted it. You decided it wasn’t the brightest idea to sass the man everyone was afraid of. “I’ll stay.” You gulped.

He grinned and turned back to everyone else. “Times ticking.” He headed for the door and everyone started to spring up to follow.

However, Jimin began strutting towards you. Jungkook, puzzled, stopped him and shook his head. He shoved him off and Jungkook stared at his partner make his way to you.

You met him halfway, near the stairs up to the open front door. He automatically wrapped his arms around your waist. He head rested in the crook of your neck. You closed your eyes to soak in his embrace. “Be careful.” You whispered into his ear. He nodded into your shoulder.

Opening your eyes, you saw Jungkook glaring at the two of you. “Lover boy, we need to go. Now.”

Jimin kissed your cheek before letting you go and running out the door. The mansion was empty and you stood in their grand living room alone.

You missed Jimin already.

Jimin threw his hoodie in the corner of the van. He tied his bandanna around his face. His black t-shirt clung loosely to his skin. He stared out the window, thinking about the kiss you two shared earlier that night. He has never felt so warm inside. He loved how soft your lips were and how perfect they seemed to fit.

He didn’t want to leave you alone at the house, partly because he was uneasy about you sneaking out and leaving him forever. He didn’t know how you felt about him, but he had made his actions clear. He really liked you.

“So you fucking her now?” Jungkook whispered. Jimin snapped his head to see Jungkook’s dark brown eyes staring. He couldn’t see the rest of his expression because of his bandanna.

Jimin was thankful that no one else heard the kid speak. He shook his head. “It’s not like that.”

“Then what is it? You’re in love with her and she’s in love with you?” Jungkook rolled his eyes.

“No. She makes me feel different, safe almost.”

Jungkook threw off his hoodie as they approached the dock. “That’s ironic. The only danger you encounter is yourself, Jimin.”

The vehicle came to a stop. Clicks of a loaded gun filled the dark car. Namjoon counted down with his fingers. 1... 2... 3...

Then the doors slid open and everyone ran out. Jimin hurried behind the large loading tanks, closest to the entrance. The time ticked to 1:30 AM and right on cue, a big truck crept up slowly. There were two people visible to Jimin. There was the driver and someone in the passenger seat. Jimin turned around and spotted Jungkook a few feet away. He nodded and signaled for Jimin to go.

The passenger was the person closest to Jimin. Pointing the gun, he aimed directly for his chest as he stepped down from the tall vehicle. In seconds, he fell to the ground. Jimin sprinted to the other side and opened the door to the driver’s seat. Everything happened so quickly. The driver fell from the seat in a blink and soaked in his own pool of blood.

Namjoon came from Jimin’s left and pulled himself up into the trunk. He jogged to the back of the truck and Hoseok was already latched on. He was undoing the lock with incredible skill. Taehyung rolled a smoke bomb and voice erupted from inside the trunk.

Hoseok slid the entire back up and exposed the stacks of drugs along with the several cartel members. They were coughing at the sudden suffocation of air. Jimin took his chance and shot repeatedly, seeing red.

People began running from behind the tanks and attacked Hoseok and Taehyung. Jimin wasn’t registering the surprise ambush. He shot at their heads. Hoseok, taking the opportunity after almost being strangled to death, shot Taehyung’s attacker in the face.

It was suddenly 3 against 5 as more slowly appeared. Namjoon didn’t hesitate to step on the gas. Jimin, Taehyung, and Hoseok jumped onto the truck before it was too late. They were all shooting at the others who tried to stop them.

“Did you know?” Taehyung asked, panting.

“No clue. I guess they were expecting us.” Hoseok shrugged nonchalantly. Jimin watched as the second truck pulled up and Jungkook, Jin, and Yoongi repeated the same offence. They were becoming smaller and smaller as they drove away.

Suddenly, they were swerving and a sharp turn caused them to topple over onto the dead bodies. “What the hell, Namjoon..”

You wandered the vacant house, swinging yourself around the large columns in the living room. Your mind replayed your sweet moment with Jimin, forgetting that a feeling like this had existed. There was a time before this mess when you were happy. You didn’t think you’d feel it being with him, of all people.

It was almost foreign. This feeling of joy and wanting to be with someone. Your stay here had been long and difficult. It was not the life you had ever wanted, but it had to be something you had to deal with. And Jimin was there to guide you through it, along with his own repressed insecurities in his own mind.

However, your emotions were skewed, almost lost. It died along with your family. It felt wrong to be revived, mainly because your family couldn’t have the same chance. You hoped that you’d be okay one day and that Jimin was going to be there to heal with you.

Your mindless swinging stopped when you heard a car pull up and there was hushed chatter outside the door. Hiding, you crouched behind the large couch and held your breath.

There was loud, whispered yelling. Multiple voices echoed and you grew extremely terrified, your palms becoming slick with sweat. Your heart thumped loud enough for you to hear it in your ears. It couldn’t have been them; it was too early.

You waited and the voices stopped once they reached the door. The latches came undone, swiftly, and the figures staggered in. The lights flicked on and it revealed to be the gang.

Namjoon spotted you right when he entered and chuckled a little. “Next time, find a better hiding spot.” Everyone flooded in and you got up to see where Jimin was, but he never entered in.

“Where’s Jimin?” You asked frantically, looking past the weary expressions and shifty eyes.

“I told you she’d ask.” Jungkook groaned. “She’ll never notice he’s missing, yeah right. They’re practically attached to one another.” He rolled his eyes, for the hundredth time that night.

“Jin, handle it.” Namjoon ordered and Jin escorted you over to an empty room.

Jin’s concern expression didn’t sit well with you and you shook your head, assuming the worse. “Is he dead?” You asked, teary eyed.

He tilted his head and laugh a little. “No, Jimin? Dead? No way. There were detectives at the location and Jimin was bait.”

“He’s in custody?! And you all let him get caught? What is going to happen to him? Is he going to jail? ---”

“---Why do you care so much about what happens to him?” Jin cut your frantic questions and you blinked blankly at him, unsure as to how to explain yourself.

“Uh-- I--- well, I don’t know. Maybe because I worry for him.” You refused to make any further eye contact, swallowing the lump in your throat.

“Why do you worry about a horrendous man who murdered your family and kidnapped you? Why care for a killer?” Jin pressed on and you leaned against the wall, searching for any way to counter his claims.

“Why did he let a rich, self entitled brat live when she was destined to be killed… by him? I guess we both have questions we can’t seem to find answers to.” You sighed and the young man before you smiled devilishly. “Now, moving on to questions that can be answered: what is going to happen to him and why was it him?”

“It was Namjoon’s orders and Jimin listens to him like a lost puppy, trying to seek comfort in a dark world. Jimin will be set on bail, which we’ll pay to get him out. He’s only going to spend a night in a cell at the station and then he’ll be back in your arms, babe.”

“All the while detectives grill him the entire night and hope that he breaks. That’s emotionally damaging.” The image of a stone-faced Jimin sitting alone in an interrogation room popped in your head, chills running down your spine.

“This entire lifestyle is emotionally damaging, you would know, wouldn’t you?” Jin taunted and patted your shoulder.

“I don’t think people want to join the mafia. Majority are forced, sometimes it’s their only option.” You groaned and stomped your way to Jimin’s room. Jumping onto his big, empty bed, you filled it up with your warmth. Your sad heart fell to the ground after being lifted, hoping that Jimin was okay.

“Why were you there? Was Kim Namjoon there with you as well?” The officer nailed Jimin repeatedly for the past two hours, however, he did not budge. He stared straight ahead like he was trained to do and he ignored every comment made towards him.

“He’s not talking and the bail has been posted.” His partner squeezed the bridge of his nose in distress and frustration.

“Fuck! We had them this time. What were you doing at the docks!?” The older officer screamed at Jimin’s face and Jimin only responded back with a blink.

“Maybe we need leverage.”

“Check the files, see what you can dig up.” He commanded and hurried to shuffle through the piles of manila colored folders.

The younger deputy cleared his throat and pointed at a paper out of Jimin’s view. “There was a murder of a family, did you have anything to do with that?”

“It was a family of four, but the daughter is missing. You didn’t do your job correctly, did you? She’s out there somewhere and when we find her, you and your entire mafia is going down.”

Jimin’s eyes shifted nervously and he lost his cold hard expression.

“Where is the girl, Park Jimin? You seem to be uneasy at the mention of her.” They continued to crack him further and Jimin gulped. He hated how they mentioned you and the sheer percent of fear set in his system. Jimin wanted to protect you, away from all your troubles. However, he was unaware of how to do so and acted too hastily.

You were his special secret, the only thing that brought him serenity and comfort. He couldn’t let anyone use you; he was not letting anyone have the chance to rob you away. He was genuinely afraid of losing his only happiness.

“I hope you never find her.” Jimin finally spoke and the two men stared at him in disbelief.

“So he speaks?” The older man groaned sarcastically.

“Boss! Bail has been paid, he’s out.” Someone opened the door and yelled inside. Jimin held out his cuffed hands to be released and the frustration in their faces brought him delight. Nonetheless, he remained wary at the mention of you.

He was unsure how much longer he could control himself. There was too big of an affect on him and he needed to shut them down; you interfered with his work. But he didn’t want to repress his feelings anymore. He had forgotten how nice it felt to feel loved or love someone else. Confused and conflicted, he walked out of the station to be greeted with Jin leaning against the car.

“You look horrible. Rough night?” Jin jumped at the sight of Jimin. He shook his head and slumped his heavy body into the vehicle and Jin joined him.

“I have a surprise for you that will make you feel better.” Jin said and Jimin peered over, curiously wondering what could possibly make his miserable night better.

You popped up around Jimin, who sat in the passenger seat, and kissed his cheek. “Did they grill you that bad?” Your voice was sweet melody to his ears.

His heart almost leaped out of his chest at your touch and remained quick at your affection. “Surprise! I couldn’t leave her at home because she was being so persistent.” Jin groaned and started up the car.

Then Jimin remembered what the police had said, “we need to go. It’s a risk that she’s out here with roaming police all around.” He tried not to get mad, he held it in. His fists were clenched tightly at his lap and Jin was pulling out of the parking lot.

“We’re going to be fine. I’m not going anywhere without you, Jimin.” He unclenched his fists, his heart settling calmly in his chest. Your reassurance brought him comfort and made his anger disappear.

“I missed you.” Jimin breathed into the silence and your rosy cheeks accompanied you for the ride back to the mansion. “You should be asleep at this hour.”

“I couldn’t sleep in an empty bed. It’s better with you in it anyways.” You smiled, in return, causing a light pink to dance across Jimin’s cheeks under the morning dew.

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phan-of-the-pen · 6 years

Text

I Dare You To Stay: Chapter 9

YALL IM SORRY FOR THIS ANGST BUT LIKE THEY’RE A SHIT TON OF FLUFF IN THE BEGINNING DOES THAT BALANCE THINGS OUT???

Tags for chapter: fluff, mentions of depression, mentions of internalized aphobia

Words for chapter: 4.7k

Fic Summary: Dan Howell is a barista working a shitty job, frequenting his shitty apartment, and living a shitty existence, hiding his asexuality and going for a PHD in self-depreciation and depression. Phil Lester is a part-time intern, part-time employee at a local weather station, trying to get experience in his field and make a name for himself, while juggling a second job at the nearby Tesco’s to give him some financial breathing room. Their paths were never supposed to meet, but what happens when they do anyways, one rainy day in Manchester?

(ao3!)

<– Previous chapter Next chapter -->

~~~~~~~~~~

Dan was curled up on one of the booth seats, his feet tucked underneath of him, body leaned towards the huge, warm-to-the-touch window separating him from outside. It wasn't because he was cold—it was never cold in the store—but because the sunlight spilling in just felt too good on his skin.

He was on his lunch break and for once had decided to abstain from holing himself up in the break room. And okay, maybe it had something to do with Jaime letting him pick the music that played from the shop's speakers. But really, he was enjoying it much more than he had thought, even to the point of considering making it a habit. But it was still a consideration, mind you.

Dan scrolled through twitter, retweeting or liking some of the posts that caught his eye. He didn't know what time it was, but he knew that he had plenty of it; his break had just started.

"Wow, Dan, you look just like a cat basking in the sun."

Dan jumped in surprise and snapped up his head from where it was staring down at his phone in his lap. Phil was sliding into the booth seat across from Dan, a smile on his face. He looked relaxed in a soft looking jumper and his glasses, hair done up in a quiff.

"Oh, hi," Dan said, lamely. He mentally berated himself, but tried to not let his awkwardness take center stage by ignoring it, praying Phil did the same. "It's been a while, Lester."

Phil snorted and took a sip of his coffee.

"A while? Dan it's been ages."

Dan laughed, and just like that, the air between them cleared and it was like they had restarted right where they had left off.

"Last time I saw you it was Wednesday, Dan. You're not allowed to be sick anymore, by the way. Thursday I had absolutely no one to talk to while I had my coffee, and I didn't even bother coming in Friday because I figured you wouldn't be here since you were so sick the day before. And then you're off on Saturday so I couldn't stop in then." Phil scoffed like the fact that he and Dan hadn't seen each other in a few days was a personal insult. And Dan really shouldn't have found the notion as cute as he had, and definitely not as endearing.

"So what? You'll only come in if I'm here?" Dan asked, a warmth in his voice and a grin on his face. Is Phil really that attached to me? Ha. For some reason, the prospect that Phil didn't know what to do with himself when Dan wasn't around just made Dan's smile spread wider.

Phil blushed, pink flooding to his cheeks and protesting weakly.

"No one else here makes my coffee the way that you do." He said, his face still pink and his bottom lip finding its way in between his teeth. Dan laughed.

"I'll make sure to rub the fact that I make the best coffee in her face later, then."

Phil hummed and brought the coffee cup in his hands up to his lips again for another sip.

"How're you feeling, Dan?" Phil asked, pulled Dan from his thoughts.

"What?"

"How are you feeling? Like I know when I get sick I'm in this weird half-sick half-better stage for like a week afterwards; are you one of those people?" Phil said, his gaze returning to Dan's.

Dan nearly snorted.

Half-sick, half-better, huh? I think you mean my permanent state, Phil, Dan thought. He didn't dare think about saying it out loud though, no matter how often Dan seemed to just blurt things out. He had some self control.

Dan thought back to the past few days, to all of the hours melting together, a prisoner in his own mind. He saw himself laying in bed, not moving, just...just thinking, for lack of a better word. And really, it wasn't thinking at all, but self torture. Dan remembered the numbness that filled every part of his body, and how it had taken Jaime Friday and Saturday to finally pull Dan out of his own headspace.

Even today, it had taken him more time than usual to get himself out of bed and start his day. The world wasn't quite as vibrant, the smile on his face not quite as sincere, his depression still louder than normal. So yes, maybe he was in that half-sick half-better stage.

"Yeah, I would say I'm still somewhat sick." Dan finally settled with. He felt like he was lying with how vague he was being right now. But it was better than spilling about his dead mental health, right?

Phil frowned and reached forward so his palm was flush against Dan's forehead. Dan sputtered and felt his cheeks grow hot at Phil's cool touch. He ignored the heat on his face and tried to pass it off as nonchalance, hoping to god that Phil didn't notice.

"Stop fidgeting I'm trying to see if you have a fever."

"And what if I do? I'm at work so it's not like I can do anything about it." Dan said, determinedly not thinking very hard about how there would be no fever because Dan wasn't sick. Or at least, not like how Phil thought he was.

"Dan, if you have a fever you're going home even if I have to walk you back myself." Phil replied, seriously.

“Well what does my forehead say then, oh wise one?” Dan asked sarcastically.

Their eyes locked and something in Phil's glimmered. “Turbulence,” Phil said. “Conflict between what you want and what you need.”

“And what do I need?”

The hand was withdrawn. Dan missed it immediately.

“To be beaten at Mario Kart, of course.”

“Phil,” Dan said, laughing a little nervously. Once again, he tried to ignore what had just happened as best as possible, batting his eyelashes and trying to stay in step with whatever this was that they were doing. “At least buy me dinner first.”

"Okay." Phil said, as if it was the easiest thing in the world. Dan's eyes went wide and his mouth dropped open. He can't be serious. "We can swing by someplace before we get to my flat, or we can always order out." Oh my god he is serious.

"Besides," Phil said, with a sly curl of his lips, sipping at the coffee in his hand, "dinner is the least I could do.”

“Wait until you see me order a whole lobster. Your wallet will be crying.”

Phil’s eyes glittered. “Can you even get that delivered?”

“If you can’t, I’m quitting this job and setting up a lobster delivery service.”

“Nerd.”

“Dork.”

Dan wanted to know why talking with Phil was so easy, so natural. The only person that Dan had ever connected this fast with before was Jaime. And even then, their banter hadn't developed this quickly.

"Invite me to the wedding," Jaime called from where she was wiping down a few tables with the ratty—but clean—washcloth she and Dan were always using. Neither Dan nor Phil had noticed her working a few feet away from them, and both of their eyes widened in surprise. Phil, however, took it in stride much better than Dan, the look on his face softening to one of amusement.

Fuck, how didn't I notice her there?

Phil laughed while Dan's face burned, surely as red as the lobsters they had just been fantasizing about. In the back of his mind, Dan worried Jaime would turn this into something like that, something to do with sex, like last time. He prayed that she wouldn't. He wasn't interested in hiding his discomfort at the implication that he would be involved in any kind of sexual situation, and he certainly wasn't interested in trying to pretend that the thought didn't make him mentally revisit parts of his past that just tear into his heart.

Dan's head started to work in overdrive, all kinds of repressed memories surfacing. He pushed them all away. Happy. That's what he was feeling a moment ago. Time to get back to it.

"I'm sure Dan will let you be his bridesmaid."

"Hey!" Dan cried, snapping out of his dark thoughts. He reached over and wacked Phil's arm, who looked entirely too pleased with himself. "Who decided that I would be the wife in this relationship? You would be the housewife for sure."

Phil gave him a look and Dan heard Jaime's snort all of the way from where she was standing clear as day. If anything, it only made Dan's blush deepen.

"The both of you are absolute bullies. I'm calling friend abuse for crushing my dreams."

"Yeah, Howell, I'm sure that's one of your dreams." Jaime muttered, finishing up with the table she was cleaning. Meanwhile, Dan wanted to find a hole and die.

He didn't like Phil like that. Sure, he was handsome and good company and had really fucking pretty eyes, but that was it. Besides, Dan didn't date.

Phil thankfully didn't comment, though. He twisted around in his seat so he could see Jaime and held out his coffee cup, a pleading expression on his face.

"Jaime, could you refill my coffee please?"

Jaime sighed, but stepped forward and grabbed it, nodding. She turned to walk away, but Dan called out to her as well.

"Could you get me a drink too?" Dan asked. Then, as an afterthought, he added: "Please?"

"You work here, Howell, you know how to make yourself a drink," she said, cocking an eyebrow, a disapproving look on her face. Dan shrugged and gave her the best puppy-eyed look he could manage.

"But I'm on break. Please? I won't ask for anything else the rest of the day."

"We both know that's a lie, but sure, Danny-boy, I'll get you a drink."

"Danny-boy?" Phil asked, a smirk starting to form on his face. Dan groaned, putting his head in his hands and cursing Jaime.

"Don't you dare start calling me that too, Phil."

Dan brought his head up to find Phil looking at him with a downright mischievous glint in his eye.

"Don't you dare."

"Are you-"

"Don't."

"-sure-"

"Phil!"

"-Danny-boy?"

"Oh my god."

Phil started to laugh and Dan didn't miss how the tip of his tongue stuck out in between his teeth or how after a few moments of breathless giggling he brought his hand up to his mouth. Fuck. It was adorable.

"I don't think this friendship is going to work with this blatant betrayal, Philip. I shouldn't have to put up with this. Especially not if I'm supposedly going to have to deal with this while I destroy you in Mario Kart."

Phil had finally managed to pull himself under control, and he gave Dan a semi-sobered look, but Dan could still see the repressed jokes and sly remarks that Phil was just dying to make.

"Beat me, huh? I'll have you know that I'm the best out of all of my friends in Mario Kart."

Jaime returned, two drinks in her hands, sticking her tongue out at the both of them in the process of handing them over. Dan noticed that she had drawn little frowny faces on their cups and laughed.

"Well," Dan said, turning back to Phil who was clutching his warm coffee in between his palms, "you're definitely wrong on that one, mate." Dan took a sip—yes, Jaime added in extra sugar. The heat of the liquid didn't bother Dan's mouth though; he was too used to chugging back a sometimes-still-burning drink on a regular basis in a desperate attempt to combat his lack of sleep in the mornings.

There was still a little voice at the back of Dan's skull that nervously fretted at how this was possibly a bad idea, but really, for once his social anxiety wasn't overriding everything in his system, and Dan was positively living for it.

"You're going to have to wait until the weekend though, if that's alright. I've got to work a bunch of double shifts to make up for the pay I lost by missing work, so I'm not going to have time until Saturday. You free then?"

"Yeah, I'm free for the whole day after I do my weather segment."

Dan snorted.

"Sorry, I forgot you were famous, Phil, but I'm glad you're making time for us peasants."

~~~~~

"No! No no no!" Phil jumped up from the sofa, his fingers furiously working at the buttons on the controller in his hands. His body was tense and his mouth was open in a silent protest. Dan, meanwhile, was laughing on the sofa behind him, relaxed as hell, and enjoying how Phil was desperately trying to beat him in Mario Kart.

He didn't stand a chance; Mario Kart was Dan's game.

Too bad it had taken Phil this long to figure out that Dan hadn't been lying when he said he would crush him.

Dan's grin grew to an impossible width when he got another power-up.

"Phil, oh Phil, I'd just stop trying if I were you."

Phil made a sound of protest, but didn't dare take his eyes off of the screen.

Maybe Dan was enjoying this just a little too much, but really, Phil was terrible. It was unbelievably easy to have this much of a lead on him, and Dan was sure that if he had pulled out all of the stops, he would have stretched the gap between him and Phil even wider. Currently, Dan was in first, Phil in fifth. Part of the reason why Phil was so far back was because Dan kept messing with him, dropping back just to hit him with a shell or something similar, more times than not making Phil swerve, running into a wall. And while Dan would laugh and pull back in first, Phil would groan and shove Dan's shoulder, pouting.

Dan drifted around the corner, and used his power-up, increasing his speed and sending him flying over the finish line.

"Yes!" Dan shrieked, thrusting his controller into the air and nearly jumping from the couch. Phil cried out in protest, a hopeless "No!" pouring out from his lips as the game ended. He spun around, and Dan couldn't stop laughing, feeling it in his whole body.

"How are you so good?! That's got to be something like witchcraft."

"Maybe you're just that bad." Dan managed to squeak out in between bursts of his hyena laugh. Phil's face scrunched up and Dan tried to reign himself in, but really, Phil made it too easy.

"That was just a practice! I could totally beat you now that my fingers are warmed up." He grumbled, walking back to the couch where Dan was splayed out and lying down, his long legs reaching all the way to the other side. He started to move them, but before he really could Phil just picked up his ankles and lifted them up, sliding under them and sitting on the sofa. Phil let Dan's feet drop into his lap and looked up at the screen, already selecting another map.

(Dan ignored the beginning of a blush on his cheeks because all Phil did was touch his ankle he shouldn't be acting like this)

"Are you looking to be beaten for a second time?"

"Ha. In your dreams, Howell. I'm going to be the one beating you today."

Dan scoffed, but the effect was ruined because he couldn't stop smiling.

Phil turned his head and looked over at Dan, a wide grin on his face.

"You have a dimple."

"What?"

"Your dimple. I've never seen it before. It's cute."

"Oh." Dan said, and there was definitely a blush on his cheeks now. Phil didn't comment on it, just letting his attention fall back to the TV. However, Phil let his hands drop so they were resting on top of Dan's crossed ankles, the touch seemingly to burn through Dan's jeans.

Dan didn't say anything about it, or about how there was something new added into the atmosphere between them—something he couldn't quite place.

Phil finally selected a track and a new game started. Dan flicked his eyes to the screen as the game started to count down from three. When the horn went off, he sided right up to Phil's kart and drove him into a wall, a brilliant plan of attack forming in his head. Phil tossed Dan a dirty look but Dan just stuck his tongue out. Whatever had popped up between them in that little exchange a few moments ago was gone, for now.

~~~~~

Phil tossed his controller onto the floor and crashed back into the back of the couch, an arm falling over his face.

"I give up. You win. You bloody win, Dan, there's no way anyone can beat you."

They had been playing Mario Kart for over two hours now, and Phil hadn't come close to winning once. In fact, the closest he had gotten was a whopping third. And in hindsight, with Dan harassing him as he was, getting third was a decent enough achievement.

"I'm glad it only took you a million games of me handing you your own arse for you to figure it out, Phil."

"Oh shut it," Phil said, pulling his arm down to smack Dan's leg. He was smiling though, so Dan knew that he wasn't as annoyed as he let on. Dan let his controller fall to the floor and shifted down further into the sofa, wiggling his toes on Phil's lap. Phil pretended to gag.

"I hate to break up our little Mario Kart marathon, but you promised me dinner and I think my stomach is literally going to digest itself."

"That sounds painful." Phil said. His hands were on Dan's ankles again, but this time Phil's thumb was unconsciously tracing little patterns on the skin that was exposed there.

"Mhm."

"Where should we order out from then? There's a Indian place not too far away, or maybe the Chinese one a few blocks away? Something else?"

"Phil," Dan whined, "I thought I was promised lobster remember?" Dan said, trying to bring back the playful atmosphere that it was a few moments ago. Now...now there was something more.

"Dan, there's a reason why I have two jobs. Maybe in like, ten years I can get you those lobsters."

Dan sighed as if in disappointment, and nodded. "How about some Indian then, if we must."

Phil rolled his eyes and once again curled his fingers around Dan's ankles, lifting them up just like before and sliding out from under Dan's legs, getting up.

"I'll call us in something, wait here."

After the food was ordered and Phil had returned, he had just shifted Dan's body once again so he could sit before letting Dan's feet fall onto the tops of his thighs. Dan was too nervous to move them.

Instead of playing more Mario Kart, however, they decided to turn on a movie while they were waiting for their food.

When it arrived, Phil hopped up before Dan could and paid, bringing the bags back and putting them on the table. Dan sat up eagerly, his stomach growling at the smells wafting from what Phil was spreading out in front of them. They dug in, sitting close enough for their thighs to brush together, the movie playing in the background. Dan didn't really care if he was missing parts though; it was an old Marvel film they had both seen countless times before.

Dan let out a little noise of content when he finished.

"You were right Phil, that was delicious. I want to marry the chef so they could cook like that for me every day."

Phil looked at him. His expression was unreadable, but his eyes were intense. It pinned Dan down and dissected him, took him apart and looked at all of his pieces.

And Dan was helpless to fight it. He couldn't look away if he tried.

"Yeah? Would you propose to him with a bagel?" He asked, the question nothing but a breath.

There it was again. That…that feeling between them. Dan recognized it now, for certain. His heart picked up a little, and he could feel the beginnings of sweat prickling on the back of his neck.

He remembered why he didn't date, why he didn't do anything other than platonic. He remembered the tears and the screaming and the pain, the damage he was still dealing with. He remembered, god did he remember, but he still couldn't stop the Phil Phil Phil in his head.

Dan licked his lips. He needed to get them away from this territory.

He needed to.

But.

Fuck.

He didn't want to.

"Maybe. Would that bother you?"

Dan's heart was in his stomach, yet it was still beating like crazy, sending his senses into overdrive. He didn't know what the hell he was doing, but he also didn't want to stop. And god, he couldn't stop looking into Phil's blue eyes, fuck.

Phil just stared, not saying a word. Dan was about to pull away, to give up whatever he seemed to be chasing. But Phil didn't give him the chance.

Something shifted in Phil's eyes, some kind of resolve forming right before Dan's gaze. Phil leaned forward and curled a hand around Dan's jaw.

"You tell me," he whispered and pressed forward. Dan met him halfway and he couldn't help how his eyelids fluttered closed when their mouths met. It was soft, questioning, with a clear open exit for Dan to run to if he wanted, but there was nothing unsure in how Phil kissed him; there was no doubt in the emotions Phil was pouring over Dan.

Dan would be lying if he said that the kiss shut up every voice in his head. If he claimed that this mind wasn't a shitshow, in a civil war with itself. If there wasn't a part of him that wanted to run.

But Dan was tired of running. He was exhausted and he hadn't known it, and yes, part of him was screaming that this was a bad idea, but fuck it he didn't care.

He wanted to be happy.

Phil pulled away a little, letting their mouths disentangle, but Dan just fisted a handful of Phil's shirt and brought him crashing back.

Phil groaned and nipped at Dan's bottom lip, flicking over it with his tongue. He was leaning heavily into Dan, the one hand that wasn't cupping Dan's face gently was locked beside Dan's body, holding Phil up. Dan, for his part, was angled back, and as their lips met over and over and over again it felt like Dan was just falling farther and farther back.

Dan brought his other hand to the back of Phil's head, and using the one buried in his shirt as well, Dan let his body fall, pulling Phil down with him. It wasn't as coordinated as he had imagined in his head, however, and their mouths broke apart. Dan was lying on his back, his legs angled awkwardly to the side of Phil's body, which was still somewhat posed overtop of Dan's. Phil laughed a little, but Dan didn't have the time to be embarrassed because Phil reached down and parted Dan's legs so they were on either side of Phil's body. Phil let his body blanket Dan's, bringing their faces impossibly close to each other.

"Is this okay?" Phil asked, his eyes so close, his mouth just out of reach.

Dan couldn't help but nod and reach out, pulling Phil in the rest of the way so they were kissing again. Phil let out a little sound that sounded a bit like a chuckle before turning his head and letting their mouths slot together better than before.

Dan had always liked kissing, but god, kissing Phil was a dream come true.

He didn't know how long they made out on Phil's scratchy couch, but Dan enjoyed every moment of it. He loved how Phil's fingers ran through his hair and curled around his waist, how Dan's own palm fit so well between Phil's shoulder blades, and how Phil's soft fringe brushed up against Dan's forehead.

Of course, things came to a crashing end.

Phil was kissing the life out of Dan, pressing him into the sofa with the weight of his own body, when he slipped a hand under Dan's shirt, his fingers burning into Dan's skin.

And then reality came crashing down onto Dan.

Dan gasped and both of his hands flew to Phil's chest, pushing him away. Dan rolled out from under Phil and consequently onto the floor.

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

He knew this was a bad idea, he knew it.

All of the reasons why a relationship between them wouldn't work burst through his head like grenades. And really, it was just the same reason, repeated over and over in a mantra.

You're ace you're ace you're ace you're-

Dan sprang up from the floor and Phil was up from the couch in an instant, eyes wide and filled with fear and worry and concern.

"Oh my god Dan I'm so sorry! Fuck, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable or-"

It was cowardly, but Dan couldn't stand there. A panic attack more fierce than anything he had faced in a while was building up in him and he didn't want to be here when it hit. Fuck. fuck. He turned, nearly dashing for the door, stomping into his shoes at a lightning and inhuman speed. Phil had caught up with him, however, and before Dan could grasp the door handle, his hand grabbed Dan's sleeve.

"Dan please don't go oh my god I swear I didnt-"

"It's not going to work between us, Phil, I'm sorry," Dan said, not missing how breathless he sounded, how kissed-out Phil looked, "but it just won't okay? I can't love you like you need me to."

"Dan? Woah, slow down, I don't-"

"I'm can't, okay? Now please let go of me."

"But I-"

Dan didn't seem capable of letting Phil finish a single sentence because he was already opening his mouth to retally. But then again Dan didn't really care if he was being rude at the moment because his heart was about to beat out of his chest and the world was spinning and all of the bad thoughts were rushing around his head in a whirlwind, unable to be stopped. Dan was panicking.

"I'm asexual! I just can't, Phil!" he blurted, and just as the words passed from his mouth his heart stopped, as well as the rest of the world. Everything stopped. Phil's eyes went wide, and that was it, Dan was ripping his arm out of Phil's grip and ripping the door open, sprinting down the hallway and taking the stairs down from Phil's flat so fast he was sure he was going to trip and break his neck.

He could hear Phil running after him, trying to keep up, shouting for him to "Wait! Please!" but Dan wasn't listening. Dan wasn't listening.

Dan burst out of Phil's apartment complex and ran faster than he had ever before. His feet felt like they were barely skimming the ground and it was like he was being chased by Death itself, but he only ran faster, pushed himself harder. And he was crying, tears blurring his vision until he could barely see. He hiccuped on a sob, but Dan wasn't stopping to catch his breath.

He had to run.

From Phil.

From the situation.

From the kisses, the feeling, the giggles and smiles and joy.

From his inability to shut his mouth.

From himself.

He ran.

#phanfiction #phanfic #my fics #allyssaTM #dan and phil #dan howell #phil lester #au #ace!dan #weatherman!phil #angst #kissing #fluff #aphobia #phan #i dare you to stay #i dare you to stay: chapter 9 #chaptered #phandom

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someonewholikesautumn · 3 years

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TW: paedophilia, committing non alive, emotional abuse, manipulation, sexual assault/harassment

So this is gonna entail really fucked up things I thought/did/happened to me as a child, influenced of course by my extreme loneliness, Abusive parents and other stuff. Gonna list this because I can't really formulate it differently:

(btw im around ages 7-11 when I had these thoughts. )

1. I was desperately in need of love, I was so lonely that I had escapist dreams where it literally was me having a friend and people who treated me kindly. It got to the point where I once even took sleep medication to to see "them" (=the friend in my dreams. They were recurring for the most part) again.

2. Again because I was so lonely and desperate for love, I had a hierarchy in my head of what kind of people get loved and others who didn't deserve any. (surprise, I was in the category of being undeserving of love).

-> this lead me to changing my behavior to be more "traditionally feminine" (I got most of my information on what was "attractive" over days of research on all kinds of websites. They were typically pretty sketchy, misogynistic and overall just really toxic)

3. My thought process was something like "irrational rationality" (= it's a term i made up, basically meaning that even if things had pretty obvious contradictions and/or didn't make much sense, I would take it as law and obey it.) like for example :" If I don't please others, then I should just die. I'm too useless, obnoxious, burdensome and emotional. How could I burden others like this? I only annoy my mother.. I'm really too stupid to do anything right." (Most of my negative thoughts blossomed from my mother's passive aggressive remarks, mood swings coming like waves on the beach, gaslighting, verbal abuse of literally calling my half of those things that I mentioned above, seeing me as an extension of herself so she could vent to me about every single thing, making me responsible for her and my father and more.)

4. This is still something I'm working through but it's another toxic thing. So with the irrational rationality in mind, I thought in the past my only good point was that I was a child, so at least paedophiles would like me. I even went on shady sites to try and chat with pedophiles. It never was really successful tho.

The part that I'm working through here, is where the fuck that thought came from. I was inappropriately touched by older kids in Grundschule (older kids were ages 11~) when we played a game of Räuberfangen, I was held down in an embarrassing way (multiple guys had hold down my arms and legs so I could not move. This was in a public areas well. The teachers didn't care.) and had my chest touched (I was an early bloomer. I already had it growing a bit) they stopped after that. I felt dirty afterwards. Maybe that's where it came from? Or it's another repressed memory where I did successfully came into contact with a paedophile? Or maybe it was my extreme loneliness again?

5. Ngl, when I was younger I seriously needed help. I still do now, but it was more urgent back then.

My thoughts were really negative 24/7, repeating awful words like a mantra (It was words like :"Useless, burdensome, stupid, obnoxious, bad child, overreactive, too emotional -" and so on.)

So as one would expect, I wanted to commit suicide by 10 years old. When I felt really suicidal, I would walk onto busy streets, fail to get hit and then get cussed at drivers.

6. When I was 12, I promised myself I would only be allowed to live until 16. That way I could allow myself to experience life and have a clearer goal on how to live without the consequences of my actions (like housing, jobs and such for the future.). I have strong influence on my thoughts for the long term. When I say I will deteriote my mind until being suicidal again, I will do it wether I want it later on or not. I've said this before but it really is like I turned over an hour glass and can only stare at it slowly running out. I personally don't fear death, only the pain leading up to it. My mental health has partially deterioratet to the point of my Grundschule self. More so than in the previous years, I'm losing the energy to move my limbs. They get incredibly weak with a slight tingling sensation in them, yet I can still feel things but can't move them no matter how hard I try. The time period where I can't move them is getting longer as well. (first 10 min, a week later then 20 min and so on. The longest was 1h. I told my parents but they never even touched up on the topic again after I told them about it, they just swept it under the rug🙃)

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catastrothicc · 6 years

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when will i learn to write an intro post

hello friens my name is kit im 19 and i use them/they pronouns. i love the color GREEN as u can tell and im a cancer ..... i literally don’t kno who i am besides that so ! ey letz gO .... oh yea my timezone is mdt . bu ckle . ... .. . u p

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fiRST we have rocky whomst some of u kNO bc he was That guy in paracosms anD created by the m ost crea tive admins iv’e ever seEN i got blessedt 2 play him and to play him agAIN in literally the most mentally straining au for any character .... paracosms verse ! x

i previously made an intro post for him here so i’m just gonna link it and walk away .. .. .... also his stats page still lives here !!! keeping in mind that he is no longer a drug ring leader ..... he recently discovered that his wHOLE LIFE is a LIE and that he’s a helpless robot stuck in hell with a bunch of other robots who want 2 murder him and every(robot)body he loves

find his pinterest board here , someday a whole ass playlist too

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neXT we have minjae ... he’s my oldest character in this batch but that doesn’t mean i especially love him .... just means i’ve made him suffer the longest .... . . . tw: child abuse ( pinterest board , playlist 1 , playlist 2 )

minjae is in the main verse ! find him bullshitting through college and b-boying in the camden streets

he’s twenty-one and a virgo , born in busan , south korea

he found his way to london when his parents sent him away to study abroad highkey because that’s a big fancy thing in korea they can brag about and lowkey to get rid of him for as long as they can

his relationship with his family is ..... interestingly strained . his parents WON’T admit that he’s tiring as hell to deal with and how much stress he causes because they try their best to be supporting/loving parents but honestly minjae KNOWS how much they just wISH he was fucking gONE from their lives ( okay maybe not THAT intense but things rlly blow up in his head ) but he doesn’t even worry about it he just deals with the fact that he’s a terrible son

he was diagnosed with odd when he was eight years old, after his mom got tired and increasingly concerned with his disruptive and violent behavior

a few years prior , minjae’s biological dad left them and his mom kind of took it upon herself to try and make it up to him . that meant she was always careful around him and treated him as if he was fragile because minjae felt some blame that his dad left .

his biological dad did Not have any patience for his kid’s mental health , meaning he and minjae would fight often to the point of getting physical . basically minjae endured a lot of getting locked up in the bathroom kicking and screaming until his voice grew hoarse and the occasional ..... bad beatings .

he went to therapy with his mom for two years before entering middle school , around the time his mom remarried a nice guy who had the patience of a saint when it came to minjae , even after he repeatedly rejected him as a part of their life . eventually minjae managed to warm up to him ..... he just didn’t wanna admit he was afraid he’d abandon them like his bio dad .

despite the therapy he was still unstable and got into frequent fights . he was smart but he didn’t put it into any good use because he would rather fool around and disrupt the classroom at any slight chance . teachers .... hated this fuckass

theN high school !! A Whole Mess ..... he got worse and worse , and it wasn’t until he got expelled from his Second high school that he went back to therapy for anger management .

after months of sessions w/ his therapist he was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder , which honestly explained Everything about his life . it explained his massive issues with interpersonal relationships , massive abandonment fear , massive moodiness , massive personality contradictions .... everythin g

he started b-boying because it was a way to push himself and let go of the anger without picking a fight with someone else ( altho he StilL picked the occasional fight .... highkey still does ) but he loved the control that came with dancing and how it hurt to push his body

he managed to graduate despite what everyone thought ..... and even a bigger surprise is that he went to college majoring in math ..... and an evEN BIGGER SURPRISE is that he went overseas to study which is like ..... quite a difficult and impressive thing to do ..... tho minjae just finds math the easiest out of academic studies bc “all u need to do is understand and follow a formula”

anYWAYS so his personality is generally very contradictory . he just has no fucking idea who he even is . thESE are from an old intro that i’m just putting here bc still tru:

being delusional w/ infatuation/love to the point of a fault vs running away when things actually start to go right with someone because of his fear of being abandoned by them

being so afraid of abandonment that he can’t stand being alone, always needs to be communicating with someone vs pushing people away when he feels like he’s getting attached because he’s afraid of abandonment

swinging between being horny all the time and being sex repulsed

intense mood swings !!! having the time of his life one hour and wishing he was dead the next

thinks he’s the best vs loathes his entire being

wants everyone to love him vs thinking he deserves being alone

incredibly charming and talkative vs distant and moody

loving/cuddly/goofy vs jealous/purposely mean/bossy

also never tell him its ok to text u bc he’ll give u notifications from Hell

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dhwani mishra !!! honestly Bae . i’ve had her in my head for mONTHs and this is only the second time i play her rip . anyways say hello to this Hot Mom. tw: abuse , brief abortion mention

dhwani is from chicago , she’s 36 and a leo .... literally The Whole SUN

she grew up w/ a generally large family . two parents , three sisters and a brother . it was a full house that often became suffocating but she managed to survive her childhood and teenhood .

she’s extremely close with all her fam except her dad , bc they have always disagreed in almost everything and it’s just ..... awkward to be around him ?? she honestly doesn’t respect him much , even if she would never show him/tell him that . her dad had an abusive past w/ her mom , and dhwani still feels a lot of resentment that he would ever lay his hands on her in a violent way and mistreat her despite being the mother of his children . when she was a teenager , she would tell her mom to just divorce him but her mom was in a very toxic/old mentality and believed she would ruin her family and her children’s life if she did that .

probably nobody cared about this as much as dhwani .... she promised herself she’d NEVER allow someone to do what her dad did to her mom and was honestly so defensive with guys . little did she kno it was the lesbian raging inside her .

so because she had no idea what a lesbian was or that it was a possibility bc her household was not the type to really go into the topic of sex at all , she eventually got into a relationship with a guy in high school that she could actually put up with .... and got really disappointed when she was finally ‘ in love ’ because of how underwhelming it all was . her dreams about finding ‘ the one ’ were absolutely gone . she was like wtf why are people making such a big deal out of love when it feels like ...... kind of nothing ??

she became pregnant with his child which was completely unplanned and was such a huge turn in her life that she never ever expected . all this time she had been driven to start a career in chemistry and family would come way wayyy later , however she did Not want to give up her child ..... she was so torn about it but now she thinks not getting an abortion was the best decision of her life bc her little boy , one of her two little suns was brought into the world .

she paused her career to raise him w/ her now husband when she was 29 , and three years later became pregnant again , this time w/ her second sun , an adorable lil baby girl . things were already going downhill in her marriage before she got pregnant again , though , and she stupidly thought that maybe another child would help them but ... wrong ! her husband , the man she thought she loved , was turning out to be exactly like her father . she put up w/ him for as long as she could .... but it did just not work out . when her daughter was two and her son five , she divorced him and someway or another managed to pick up her career again .

she moved out with her kids into a small apartment , struggling with money and having to ask her parents for aid which wasn’t rlly good for her pride , despite that she and her mom were like best friends .

sHE made it to london by pure will after juggling her two children and working as a high school teacher , though when she got an offer to teach as a professor in a university w/ heR OWN LAB AND RESEARCH TEAM she could Not pass it up . the only problem was tht this job was across the ocean , and away from her family and everything she and her children knew .

still , she saw a brighter future , not only for herself but especially for her kids , so she packed up and said goodbye to the states .

she’s been teaching in soho for two years now and she still hasn’t really adjusted . it’s obviously a very different life than the one she had in chicago , but she’s very determined to make it work . also she’s recently discovering her repressed inner lesbian so hmu for plots !!! ;)))

shE’S a chemistry professor so ... @ any student connections hmu ... also any students whomst want 2 be on her research team A++

pERSONALity wise .... she’s a mess . she’s very lively and warm and inviting , but she is also extremely stubborn and unrestrained . you don’t agree w/ something she does ? Suck It . you have a stupid opinion ? Time to let u kno how absolutely wrong u are . she is NOT afraid of a fight . also she’s v scatterbrained .... there is so much on her schedule that she can barely keep up w/ so she’s never like ... calm . always going somewhere , always pacing places , chugging her coffee , carrying 789479 folders and books everywhere .

hER class is pretty much this vine

probably one of the least chill professors on campus in the best way possible . she’s so excited about chemistry and teaching her students . altho she is lenient and understanding she can also b strict af and doesn’t allow her kindness to b taken advantage of . rlly good at drawing lines .

also her children are her whole world and she loves to brag about them ... since she doesn’t get enough time w/ them at home she sometimes takes them to her lab on campus or they’re there being a mess during her office hours and stressing her out but she’s 2 fond of them to leave them w/ their babysitter .

oK so here is her v incomplete pinterest board ... expect a playlist Soon

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lAST BUT NOT LEAST is santana !!! he is ... a solid trip . this is my first time playing him so i’m puMPED and expecting the worst of him fhuidshfiusdhg. tw: drug use , abuse , alcoholism

he is 23 , a Cancer , n from LA california like that red hot chili peppers song(s)

his childhood wasn’t chill at all . he grew up with four sisters and three brothers , so his parents never really had time for all of them individually . they were always kind of lumped together despite the differences in age . santana was one of the middle children so he got evEN LESS attention .

he honestly does not understand what his parents were thinking when they had EIGHT whole kids , because they were poor as shit . they lived in a tiny house with three bedrooms and two bathrooms , where all the girls would be in 1 room , the boys in the other , and their parents in th third one . you could Not catch a moment of peace in this household . they basically lived on top of each other .

his older siblings were very bad influences , and so were his parents . it was all tough love , so he barely received any kindness or special treatment and had 2 go to school even if he was dying w/ the flu and got hit Bad when he acted out even a little bit bc his parents were Not about to deal w/ any disrespect . he actually pretty much got hit for just existing bc his parents didn’t want dumb kids and santana was failing in Everything at school so his dad especially tried to beat it into him but really he wasn’t dumb he had dyslexia and no one knew or cared enough to find out .

still , they didn’t really respect their children enough to demand their respect . they would cuss all of them tf out and allow them little to no privacy so they all became rEALLY GOOD liars , and all of them learned to have each other’s backs but rlly this only lasted during their childhoods/teenhoods .

santana started doing really stupid shit during high school and once he got caught stealing wine from a grocery store w/ all his dumb little high school friends whomst were in possession of weed and ended up in juvenile prison for two years until he turned 18 . thEN while he was on parole he didn’t learn his fucking lesson and his parents/family were not supportive At All honestly it’s like they didn’t give 2 shits that he was in juvie they were just like ‘that’s what happens when you’re a goddamn moron’ so santana went out and did it aGAIN bc fuck parental guidance anyways

this time he got caught stealing a whole fucking car and in possession of not only weed but cocaine so he got locked up for 4 long ass years . honestly thought that he wouldn’t make it out but he rlly learned a lot in prison and he was used to getting no privacy anyways and just kinda dealt . the prison system he was stuck in Sucked so bad though like the guards were the Worst and he’d try to stay out of fights but Some Fucker would piss him off and BOOM he’d end up in the hole for a whole week .

hOWEVER if it wasn’t for being there he would’ve never discovered his passion of art and drawing . he got Really Fucking good bc he had nothing else to do but sit around and try to find anything to pour all of his pent up energy into and drawing happened to be his greatest outlet . would just sit for as long as they let him and draw his time away .

when he got out he went back to his fam but they were pretty much all split up . shit went Down while he was locked up and somehow his parents ended up w/ a giant grudge on their children and some of his siblings wanted to kill each other while others had just completely moved away to different parts of the states and had absolutely no communication w/ each other .

santana decided to fuck it and pursue his dreams of being a tattoo artist far from LA and just decided to move to a different country entirely .

Now u can find him giving tattoos in his apartment bc he doesn’t have enough $$$ to get a studio and while he Is training under a professional he’s not getting paid by them so he needs to make money somehow . it’s a secret that he’s tattooing when he’s not supposed to tho . Fuck the law .

personality !!!! he’s basically .... very chill .... perhaps 2 chill ....

even tho drugs got him some bad time in prison he hasn’t left them . still very 420 friendly and occasionally does the hard stuff . also loves 2 drink and party .

he’s irresponsible !!!! he feels like he lost a lot of his life in prison so he’s trying to make up for it and while he’s being more careful ..... he still loves 2 fuck shit up .

he gets way too comfortable around people way too easily . he thinks this is a trait he picked up in jail bc he rlly had no other option but to shower with a bunch of dudes and shit out in the open , so he’s very comfortable with his body and being in the nude in general . also a touchy guy , likes cuddles and appreciates hugs . random meaningless touches are a Habit .

he loves to hang and do whatever so if ur his friend chances are tht he’s hitting u up 24/7 to go do something . biggest extrovert there is . does not get tired of being in public / around people . also p flirty and gay as hell .

sO find his pinterest board here and i’m also in the process of finishing a playlist for him hopefully soon

thAT WOULD BE ALL FOR NOW !!! hmu and feel free to add me on discord ( a whole silly boy#2690 , kít (catastrothicc) in the group chat ) for plots and such !!!

#smoke:intros #smoke:ooc #⦁ — › OwO ᴡʜᴀᴛ's ᴛʜɪs? — ⌜ ᴏᴏᴄ ⌟#(#fiNALL Y )#( im srry it took this long )#( what was the build up it suCKS ANYWAYS )#( also ........ im not ashamed of an anime mascot )#( HFUISDHFIUSDHGIUH )#( i LOVE an angry boy )

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ultiimate-chimera · 7 years

Note

All 50 Unless you can figure out who and message me-

i’m pretty sure i know who this is but i’ll do it anyways- also fight me-

Do you prefer writing with black or blue pen?

Already answered!

Would you prefer to live in the country or the city?

Country tbh, but just outside a city too, primarily for convenience (also I hate long travels)

If you could learn a new skill, what would it be?

this doesn’t specify if it means actual possible skill here s o shapeshi f t-

Do you drink your tea or coffee with sugar?

I only drink tea but f UCk do i ever drown it in sugar

What was your favourite book as a child?

I have like 0 memories of my childhood so idk? I really liked the Where’s Waldo books though lmao-

Do you prefer baths or showers?

Already answered!

If you could be a mythical creature, which would you choose?

I wOULD B E A SHAP E S HIFT ER

Do you prefer reading paper or electronic books?

Already answered!

What is your favourite item of clothing?

scARVES tbh?? and necklaces too if the chain isn’t scratchy or catches ur hair easily. also sweaters are a necessity

Do you like your name? Would you ever change it?

g od no I hate my name tbh. and yes I plan on changing it sometime but I’m not 100% certain what to change it to yet-

Who is a mentor to you?

l ots of people tbh?? @buttercupforgiveness and @underkinsans were the first people to approach me when I first made this blog and had little to no understanding of how2kincommunity so I’m thankful for that- and I still tend to go to buttercupforgiveness for clarification on some kin things every now and then so-

but otherwise aside from in terms of tumblr, I guess my qpp and my dad ?

Would you ever want to be famous? If so, what for?

Already answered!

Are you a restless sleeper?

YE S gosh I need to shuffle around like every 5 seconds I just cannot stay still ever-

Do you consider yourself a romantic?

Not really ?? I wouldn’t say so but-

Which element best represents you?

Already answered!

Who do you want to be closer to?

uHH well for one I’d like to maybe talk to @funnybone800 more sometime cause they great but I suck at conversing and friendshipness but. aND basically all my mutuals? y’all are gr8 i hope u all have a nice day

Do you miss someone at the moment?

I feel like I do but I don’t know who if that makes sense? I can’t really pinpoint it and memory is bad so

Tell us about an early childhood memory.

s o one time when my dad and mom were still together i tried making them breakfast at like 7 am when i was a small child who couldn’t even reach the freakin. stove top. i managed to get the egg carton and drop it on the floor. fun times.

What is the strangest thing you have eaten?

squid

What can you see outside your bedroom window?

a stupidly tall fence, the neighbour’s line of trees, a trampoline, some sorta big swing thingy, and lawn chairs.

What are you most thankful for?

uhh. friens.

Do you like spicy food?

YES but I hATE the burning sensation

Have you ever met someone famous?

Nope, not that I remember.

Do you keep a diary or journal?

A physical diary/journal, nope. I do journal kin memories on my phone though! I have bad memory lol-

Do you prefer to use pen or pencil?

Pen, tbh. I’ve never been a fan of the freakin noises pencils make when you write with them. just sounds bad-

What is your star sign?

Leo!

Do you like your cereal crunchy or soggy?

Crunchy, I hate the texture of soggy cereal-

What would you want your legacy to be?

? ??? ??

Do you like reading? What was the last thing you read?

I do really like reading, but I never have the patience for it to do it often- and I last read Kitchen by Banana Yoshimoto!!

How do you show someone you love them?

hU GS AND POSITIVE MESSAGES

Do you like ice in your drinks?

YEA I always crunch on the ice once I finish the drink

What are you afraid of?

p eople in general and embarrassing myself publicly

What is your favourite scent?

Already answered!

Do you address older people by their first or last name?

First name, unless it’s a teacher (primarily out of habit lol)

If money was not a factor, how would you live your life?

b inch i would be moving to different countries every y ear

Do you prefer swimming in pools or in the ocean?

Ocean tbh? It feels a lot more open n free. unless something fucking touches your leg while you’re underwater-

What would you do if you found $50 on the ground?

mine now-

Have you ever seen a shooting star? Did you make a wish?

I’ve seen a ton tbh!! I used to make wishes all the time on em when I was a kid.

What is one thing you would want to teach your children?

I would teach em that it’s okay to express emotions even if people are assholes abt it tbh

If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it?

i uhhhh. would probably get a buttercup tattoo on my wrist maybe or somethin

What can you hear right now?

The hum of my computer’s fan, the wind outside, the TV, and my cat occasionally meowing.

Where do you feel the safest?

in forests-

What is one thing you want to overcome/conquer?

my shitty mo m-

If you could travel back to any era, which would you choose?

I would n ot tbh. not gonna mess with time im content with where everything is thank you very much lol-

What is your most used emoji?

🅱. self-explanatory lmao

What is your favourite season? Why?

Autumn and winter!! The colours are really pretty and I can’t stand hot weather so

How would you spend your ideal day?

buying a fuckton of shit ive wanted and also leaving home-

Describe yourself using one word.

gay

What do you regret the most?

probably lots of things that’re in my repressed memories now lol-

Invent your own word. What does it mean?

“Misprae”, to miss someone from a past life.

#asks #w ow this took a long time #long post #about me

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xekstrin · 7 years

Text

So Roots was a story I was going to write about Ruby growing up as a trans girl & figuring out her identity, as well as unraveling the mystery of “why do ruby and yang have different last names? and who is Summer?” but it’s mostly a story about Yang and Summer

When I started writing it we knew NOTHING about Yang, Ruby, or Summer, so in this story Yang isn’t Ruby’s sister, but Summer is. Their dad is named Ash Rose and I never gave their mother a name. Naturally a lot of shit got jossed so I dropped it but @arulaen reminded me I’ve never posted the whole story. I’m literally never going to write any more but I did like the ideas I had. (And it’s very On Brand for the shit I like).

Anyway, in the last chapter of Roots we met the death-predicting cat named Grimm. (This is based on a real cat.) Summer watches that cat with dread as over the next few days he goes to every single person she saved in the hospital, just hours before they die, until there’s only one person left. Summer is sick with grief at not being able to save these people, and Ruby sees being a huntress isn’t all heroism and fairy tales.

Summer hates that cat. Ruby feels a little bad for him and suggest that maybe predicting death is like his Semblance, he didn’t choose it : ( don’t be mean to the cat, sis. Summer stays with that last patient until one day Grimm comes back. He always wanders around but every time she sees him, Summer gets a little heart attack. Please take me instead, she thinks weakly, sleep-deprived and weary from days spent in the hospital watching over the sole survivor. Please let me save just one person.

Maybe it worked, maybe it didn’t, maybe Summer was praying to a cat. But Grimm never swings by and the last person survives and recovers and wakes up. Her name, of course, is Yang Xiao Long.

Her family is gone so Summer begs Ash to adopt Yang.

There’s a bit of a legal dilemma where Ash tries to adopt Yang but it never goes through. Something something but he’s able to keep her in his family as his apprentice, but it’s tenuous, and the threat of her being sent into the foster system is high. Summer makes her father promise, swear on his life, that he’ll never let Yang be alone and afraid ever again.

Summer immediately and strongly forms a deep attachment to the only survivor of the grimm attack. But Yang lost most of her memory, didn��t remember Summer saved her life, & Summer is a repressed little jerk and doesn’t know how to talk about feelings. It’s a bit of a “pull on your pigtails cause I like you” thing which Yang, understandably, does not appreciate. She keeps her hair short out of spite.

Yang doesn’t ever recover her memories but it’s heavily implied she harnessed her semblance at that young age and that’s how she was able to survive. But she doesn’t know how to use it now. So Summer tries giving her “tough love”, training her how to be a huntress and telling her things like “In this world you need to learn how to fight for survival or else you’ll rely on people like me saving you over and over again & I’m not always going to be there. On top of that if you don’t make it as a huntress, Ash can’t keep you as his apprentice!” and Yang is like “fuck you!!! I don’t need you to save me and I never did and I never will! I’m gonna be a huntress, & I’m gonna be BETTER THAN YOU”

Not only that, but Summer and Yang would get into constant fights over how to raise Ruby, as both of them see themselves as her older sister / mother figure.

“Stop being so rough with her! She’s just a kid!”

“If you think that’s rough, you should see the games we play at Signal >:)”

Summer is much more harsh and is the “toss you into the lake so you learn how to swim” borderline abusive kind of teacher. Yang is much more gentle, so Ruby and Yang obviously become very close very fast.

Summer feels a little left out as she leaves for Beacon. Yang gets accepted into Signal and continues training Ruby until Ruby joins her. It’s a rough two years for Ruby, who retreats inside herself more than ever. Ruby and Summer keep in touch but the relationship gets pretty chilly.

(More bullshit about how Yang and Ruby want to be legal sisters so bad, so bad, Ruby feels guilty for sometimes lying awake at night, sleeping in the same bed as Yang, thinking if only Yang were my real sister and not---)

Summer rarely comes home because she prefers the independence of life at Beacon (she didn’t get along with Ash, either). She’s very selfish and rude and mean and a lone wolf and gets into trouble a lot, but she’s the best huntress of her generation and everyone knows it.

Meanwhile Ruby is slowly breaking out of her shell and making new friends at Signal, but she hasn’t come out to anyone except Yang.

So when Summer finally comes back to visit them in person it’s been years since they’ve seen each other in the flesh. Ruby & Yang have both grown up and Yang is about to graduate from Signal. Ruby comes out to Summer and Summer is extremely excited and supportive! (she always knew tbh, ever since Ruby chose her new name)

Summer & Yang are both kinda tomboyish and they’re both :\ about Ruby being super femme, but they go halfsies on buying her a brand spankin new super fluffy hyper femme wardrobe, because goddamn you if you’re going to try and outspoil her on my watch, she’s MY Sister

The trip home ends on an unusually high note, and Summer and Yang grow much closer because they finally realize the most important thing they have in common is they would set the world on fire if it meant protecting Ruby. Summer also comes to grudgingly respect Yang’s strength as a huntress, because she’s top of her class and gunning for all of Summer’s old records.

Take that, bitch.

So on a whim Summer demands that Yang write to her as often as Ruby does. Yang agrees, but half-heartedly, and both of them expect nothing to come of it. But Yang keeps up regular correspondence with Summer, and grudgingly starts to respect her as an adult huntress-to-be. She actually writes letters to Summer more often than Ruby does, which makes Ruby feel very “:)??”

Summer isn’t that much older than Yang but she’s on an accelerated course (as Ruby later would be).

So she graduates Beacon and comes home again as a legal adult, and a huntress, and she asks Yang to marry her.

Yang:

Tumblr media

Summer: Don’t get it twisted. This is just so that you can join our family. I’m aroace anyway, like Ruby is (and also probably our uncle Qrow) and I’m not interested in anything else from you.

In Summer’s eyes, it’s a win-win situation. She can finally relax, knowing that Yang will always be taken care of. And Yang gets what she always wanted, which is to be Ruby’s sister. (Plus, Summer gets a pay bonus if she’s married. Cha-ching!) Since she’s like 19 and an idiot this seems like a great setup.

Yang is like “I’m 16 dude” and Summer is like “yea? so?” and yang is like “I can’t get married as a kid that’s like leaving the party at nine o’clock” and summer is like “well who else are you gonna marry :\” and Yang is like “IDK!! maybe nobody! Maybe somebody I love!” and Summer is like “you're making a real big deal out of this”

Yang: “you’re not making big ENOUGH of a deal out of it!”

Summer: “I’m proposing a solution and you’re shitting all over it! RAAAH!!!!!”

Yang: “You’re proposing one? ;D wait shit this isn’t the time for jokes im mad as hell!”

Summer gives her the ring and tells her to think about it. Summer is already wearing hers, because she’s always been a cocky motherfucker.

Fast forward a few years to Weiss’ POV for a few chapters. She’s crushing hard on Yang, her team mate at Beacon, but refuses to admit it. Ruby is on an accelerated track just like Summer was. There’s a few episodes of them dealing with problems and a few missions and Ruby finds out that Summer was involved in some shady stuff before she died. Really shady stuff. Yang has no opinion but she winds up defending Summer and Ruby is like :\

So there’s increasingly weird things happening and then someone even tries to set fire to the school! Everyone abandons ship... but Ruby is like “NO! NO!!” and fighting Yang like a wildcat trying to get back inside

Yang: wtf is your problem!? Ruby: Summer’s in there! Yang immediately changes tack and they both jump into the flaming inferno.

Weiss: (who the fuck is summer? and WHY IS THIS MY TEAM OH MY GOD)

Ruby and Yang jump right into the flames and recover one of the only photos of the three of them that they have. They do some cool shit with their semblances to put out the fire. Ruby recovers the photo and Yang comes out, all smiles, and is like “Oh Weiss I saved some of your stuff too :) and Blake’s too of course”

Blake: My heroes Weiss: (why do I have a crush on this idiot why is my face this hot)

Yang also saved the rings. She now wears them both on a necklace.

Ozluminati shenanigans are rampant and the tournament is used as an excuse for some BAD GUYS to storm the school and try to find something really precious hidden underneath. (Another big part of the reason I dropped Roots was because they wound up using this plot point in canon, hahaha.)

So naturally the leader of the bad guys is.... SUMMER?! And she’s got a cool robot arm, because robot arms are sick. Weiss sees Yang and Ruby are especially rattled because... well, there’s not a lot of time to explain.

Summer: Why’d you cut your hair short? You know I like your hair long Ruby: PIXIE CUTS ARE VERY IN THESE DAYS WAIT WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THIS

Somewhere in here I was going to have a #romantic moonlit scene where Yang explains that they never recovered Summer’s body but they recovered The Ring and Summer was her... fiancee? maybe? She doesn’t even know, they were both stupid kids, it probably wouldn’t have happened. But the fact remains that Summer dying meant that Yang lost... so much. (Weiss: wow Yang is so tormented and beautiful mmmm im gay)

But they have to RACE SUMMER THROUGH A LABYRINTH OF TRAPS N SHIT underneath beacon. Blake and Weiss team up to fight other people and let the sisters go thru THE MAZZZZE.

And of course there’s one room that traps Ruby and Summer together and they have to fight! And it’s the last room and The Artifact is right there within reach and if you want it you have to get through me, Summer! and Summer is like Ozpin is using you! He’s using you like he used me and I am NOT the bad guy here! and Ruby is like You don’t get to say that after hurting innocent people!

Yang is trapped just outside unable to do anything but watch because #magic force fields or something, and it’s just like a sick twisted repeat of when they were kids and Summer would abuse Ruby under the guise of toughening her up. And Summer beats the dogshit out of her and is like There’s nothing you can do! I’ve always been the stronger Rose and this Artifact is mine cause I’m the only one who can use it! and ruby is like WHYYYYY SISTER!!! and Summer is like I’m in debt to some Bad People, Ruby... people who make me and Ozpin look like angels!

Ruby is like What do they want with this artifact then? and summer is like lol.... not my problem. B)

And she pushes Ruby over the edge and then suddenly Ruby gets Red Eyes.

Summer: oh shit

Turns out the Artifact is something that lets you leech other people’s semblances? And it’s attuned to her?! So Ruby has Summer’s AND Yang’s and her own semblance and bang! she beats Summer and takes the Artifact and the force fields all drop. Backup swiftly arrives and Ruby is a big weepy bleeding mess as they take Summer away to HUNTRESS PRISON or w/e.

So then the story starts winding down with Yang Weiss Blake and Ruby talking to Ozpin, very “Dumbledore explains everything at the end of the book” where Ozpin is like “this artifact is a part of a great prophecy and it said that the daughter of [some old ruby ancestor] would take it one day :\ I thought it was Summer but now I realize it’s you, Ruby”

and ruby is like “what! I don’t wanna be a part of a big prophecy, I have normal knees!”

and Ozpin is like “mmmm But Thou Must Ruby and now we’re going to leave it really vague! Dangling plot threads! Who was Summer working for? Maybe Cinder? Xekstrin didn’t plan for a sequel.”

So Yang visits Summer in Huntress Prison to ask her questions. Weiss is there for emotional support and DEFINITELY not because she wants to see this ex-fiancee of Yang’s out of jealousy. Ruby is basically like Summer is dead to me

Yang offers the rings to Summer but summer is like “nah, you keep them. that’s contraband ;)” Summer doesn’t seem defeated at all and, throwing everyone off, keeps the tone very light and almost nostalgic.

Weiss leaves determined to keep her feelings for Yang under wraps. She doesn’t want to burden her friend with them.

The story ends with Yang thinking about the last time she saw Summer before Summer faked her death. They’d stayed up all night talking and fell asleep in the same bed. It’s sort of like what Yang does with Ruby sometimes, but Ruby is her sister and Summer is..... Summer.

Yang wakes up first and watches Summer in her sleep. She’s considering the proposal, even though Summer has been more withdrawn lately, and taking on more dangerous missions, and looking haggard like something is chasing her even in her dreams...

Summer wakes up and sleepily runs her left hand through Yang’s hair. Half-awake, she mutters “You look like an angel with the sun in your hair like that. You should let it grow out so you can be this pretty when we get married.”

It’s just an idle comment, but the idea is like a seed, slowly taking root in Yang’s heart.

#Roots #that's all folks!#i wonder if i should tag this as #fanfiction #rwby #summer rose #headcanon

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theculturalvacuum · 7 years

Text

A Dance with Fan Fic Ask Round Ups

I have a confession: I was a little terrified that everyone would be mad at me for going to a cliff hanger with the groom storming out to a pretty unrelated chapter involving middle-aged ladies and repression, not least because it took me two months to get it out. But the feedback on this chapter has been so sweet. Thank you.

Now that the next chapter is out, I’ve finally decided to catch up on all of these….

Anonymous said:

I don't think your buying into stereotypes with your dornish women, they aren't all identikit, they're all just reflective of a place which expects women to be a bit more involved in everything. From outside of Dorne you've got Sarra who was assertive in her own way by telling eliott how to behave with his new wife, it was a gentle type of assertiveness but she took control and had that conversation no matter how awkward. Lady Darklyn too certainly seems not lacking in confidence.

Well, good. I sometimes worry about women who are less assertive and how they cope in this society. With Sarra, what I was more going for was more encouraging her son to be gently assertive about his marital rape license.

Anonymous said:

Elliot, you are my sonion, and I understand that you're upset, but you're acting like an asshole. Stop being an asshole.

I’ll pass this on, but I’m not sure El will be able to hear me over the sound of his raging hangover right now.

Anonymous said:

Your fic is so much fun, I find myself going yeah oh poor Eliott's he's going to marry a whore, and then im like, wait what the fuck corret man. I get so into each chapter that by the end of it im agreeing with these twits. that's when I know im hooked and your good at your thang.

Thank you? POV bias is a bitch, though.

Corret has a very logical brain, and he’s very normative. He just doesn’t question the assumptions of his society. And he didn’t say Loree was a “whore”! He said she was “little better” than one. Big difference, dude!

Anonymous said:

A few ask rounds ups ago, someone mentioned Dylan having high hopes that Ellaria Uller will get a prominent job in KL, oh my god I need this. I need Corret to just have no clue what going on and why is buddy would want such a thing when he has a second son to put those hopes onto. Maybe Dylan thinks Ellaria is his cleverest kid or something and he's excited of her progress report from the water gardens/tutors at Hellholt or something, and Corret is just so uncomprehending.

Lil’ Ellaria aces all the math tests.

I can’t think of any reason why Dylan would stop hanging out with his old buddy Corret or why he wouldn’t be one of the famous Dornish Proud Papas.

Anonymous said:

Hey my Jeyne Swann love is perfectly reasonable and normal!!! Sorta. I just feel bad for her she went to a place where she could have done anything (within reason) and shiteros had screwed up her view of herself and marriage and life so much that she was never able to take even one second of advantage of it then she got a disgusting growth in her body and died. I feel much better now and zen knowing that she as some fond times with her girls to give her happy memories as she wasted away.

I’m sure she thought she was the luckiest woman in the world.

Anonymous said:

I kind of feel sorry for eliott and how unprepared he is for the world he's walked into. I mean there are limits to my sympathy given his attitude and his opinion on stuff, but if someone (ADWIN!!!!) had just given him a few more facts from the start or they'd journeyed through Blackmont and he'd been able to see Meria and Simon and have a little chat with him, it wouldn't have fixed everything but he'd have at least been more like a good little scout and been (a bit) prepared.

I mean, Adwin threw a pile of books at him. Was that not enough?

Eliott’s problem is sometimes connecting theoretical knowledge to the real world. He can know things about Dornish culture, or even that some historical Princess So-and-So had half a dozen paramours in her life or something, and still not have it occur to him that it would apply in this situation.

Anonymous said:

Something I sort of noticed as the Rowan caravan was journeying was they never stayed anywhere where there was a marriage like Eliott was about to enter into. Manwoody, Fowler and Vaith there is no spouse in residence, Allyrion the dude is the Lord, so everywhere they went of the big houses he's not getting the chance to really see the role he'd have which probably keeps the shackles on for even longer.

I suppose that’s true, I didn’t plan it or anything. But the most important thing keep the shackles on is Eliott and his Brain Virgin. I’m not sure if swinging by Sandstone would have helped him much except maybe that he would think that Allin ain’t a real man or something.

Anonymous said:

Given everything that happened between AWiS and the present, would it be fair to say that Edgar Yronwood was right, or at least had a point when he said that the Martells trying to win the favour of the Northerners wouldn't yield the result they wanted? A bit rich coming from the man who backed the Blackfyres, but still...

Well… ask Elia how it all worked out. Though, to be fair, the amount of autonomy they seemed to have under Robert is a little ridiculous.

Anonymous said:

I'm excited and sad for the upcoming Alysanne chapter. Excited because she's a brilliantly written character; sad because she's spent her whole life getting shit on and thanks to patriarchy brain, thinks it's all her fault. Which makes me sad.

I feel guilt about how long it took me to get this round-up out. Like, that was two chapters ago… I hope it lived up to your expectations.

Anonymous said:

On your favourite subject of Jeyne Swann, whats the age gap between her two girls? did Allyster try and get two kids on her relatively quick so they'd be able to stop making appointments? Must have been a bit weird for her not to have anyone pushing for the her to birth the prodigal penis, even with huge amounts of pb that must have been kinda nice, even if she did probably think she'd failed or some crazy shit like that.

The gap between them is maybe five years or so, and Jeyne (the younger) didn’t marry as early as Rebanna did, so her kids are quite a bit younger than Maron. There may have been some infant mortality between them, or even after as well. I’m not sure, I don’t want to pile on. Allyster stopped making appointments because he could tell how not into it she was, and that got weird after ten years.

Anonymous said:

why is alyse ladybright not tagged for your fic? she appears plenty and yet the poor Lady doesn't get a tag.

Ha. I think I only tagged people who already had tags.

Anonymous said:

Is Lewyn's paramour someone we've already met in a AWiS? Jennelyn Sand mayhaps?

No and no.

Anonymous said:

If Casson had married Loreza would that mean that Ellaria would have been Lady Vaith one day?

I suppose so. Unless it prompted Vanella to bite the bullet and get hitched.

Anonymous said:

Speaking of trophy consort, I always thought he'd be younger but not young enough to be her son. More in the vain in your fic verse of Emerik Qorgyle or Trebor Jordayne if he wasn't heir. that way he's very much a man grown when they marry and has plenty of life experience so he has something to offer as a ocassional advisor. But he's still a younger hottie too.

Okay.

Anonymous said:

I like owain a lot. He seems like a real good guy. Plus he's got Tully links too which makes him dynastically well linked along with his Reacher and married Martell links. Alyse is going to be all over that, but I imagine there might be a queue.

Owain is the pragmatic one. Marq is a mini-Corret with all his ISTJ-ness. Lymen is the racist one. Jon the Green is also there. Maybe he’s the funny one.

Yeah, Eliott’s peeps aren’t as cool as Loree’s.

Anonymous said:

I have sympathy for Jeyne Swann lover anon because I'm actually drawn to your background characters more than your POV's. I like all your POV choices and they're a nice spread but its the unknown with the background characters that interests me. I like Deria, Deneza is someone I really wish for more of, Adwin's a professor in another life, Owain is just perfect, Sarra/Aelora are just the cutest, I need more Dylan, Simon Leygood's life intrigues me even if he's only a name, Alyse is a dream.

Alyse has dreams.

Anonymous said:

How do Rebanna and Allyster feel about the fact that Maron is almost 30 and not married? I get that the Dornish don't push marriage as hard as some, but they still do succession through bloodlines. Would the fact that he hasn't married make them question if he's responsible enough to rule Wyl?

Well, he had his heart broken once.

They’re probably in Wyl right now talking about how they’ll totally bring it up as soon as he hits thirty. Also, keep reading.

Anonymous said:

Does Lenelle have ladies-in-waiting, or is that a right reserved for Martells proper? Similarly, does Jenny have ladies, or is her status low enough, and scandal that she caused great enough, that no knight or lord wants his daughters to serve her?

Lenelle does have ladies of her own, I just haven’t really thought about who they might be or had cause to mention them. Emelyn was one, once upon a time.

I have no clue about Jenny. She would probably ditch them if she did have them.

Anonymous said:

This is a bit of a random comment but I loved your response to my asking about where the Fossoways were. It just highlights how different peoples minds work. once I read who the groom was on the Dramatis personae my first thought was who were his cousins on the other side of his family and thought they must be young or female for him not to have any of them as his little group of companions. When I saw none were there I just immediately jumped to conspiracy theories like a normal person...

I mean, we can weave a tale about how Sarra doesn’t get on with her family ever since they found out that she doesn’t like apple pie, or something.

Anonymous said:

Besides GRRM, who would you say the biggest influences on your writing are?

Jane Austen is kind of obvious. Especially in the dialogue, probably.

Actually, Martin doesn’t influence my style nearly as much as I would like him to. My descriptive passage are always very, like, functional.

Anonymous said:

Whether or not it occurs in on page, I'd imagine that, at some point during the events of AWiS, some Reach Bros got drunk and decided to loudly sing The Dornishman's Wife. They couldn't understand why their Dornish hosts didn't find the song amusing.

I think their Dornish hosts just find it dumb. And it will be quite the wedding feast, I’m sure. Literal wine fountains.

Anonymous said:

Will AWiS feature anything like Martin's weirder, trippier passages? Either a character having a fever dream or ingesting a hallucinogen of some sort?

I’m not sure if I’m up for that. I did once write a dream for Eglies, though.

I’m not sure which pov character is most likely to eat a magic mushroom. Probably Ormond.

Anonymous said:

Aside from Loreza being dornish and set to be ruling Princess of Dorne, I can't help but feel like anther problem Eliott may encounter with her is she's very much a grown woman. Whereas there seems to be so many really young brides elsewhere, some criminally young but even 19 year olds like Olenna haven't really lived, they're in a lot of ways children in women's bodies due to the way they get infantilized. Loreza isn't any of that and that is a new experience even before the political stuff.

I think that’s quite insightful. And Loree has this confidence about her sexuality that I don’t think Eliott will know what to do with.

Anonymous said:

Love Deria, she sounds like she has a bed warmer and wants to find someone for her new friend, lol.

Deria’s a classy lady. She doesn’t kiss and tell.

Anonymous said:

I volunteer to kill Tybutthole, it would be my pleasure, I'd even pay you for the honour. As realistic it is, I hope there can be something positive to come out of this even if it only sadly Marigold getting out.

I suppose that all depends on how you define “positive outcome”. As I believe I’ve said before, this society is tailor made for men like Tybutt, but I think Alysanne is starting to realize that that may be problematic, so I would say not all hope is lost.

Anonymous said:

Princess Trystana and Lord Gargalen totally seem like marriage goals for the setting. they've found a way to function as a couple, communicate and raise their kids together with respect and support.

I mean, maybe they seem like that now. You should have seen them in the old days.

Anonymous said:

Daenella seems kind of Targ to me, like she inherit all the privilege like a Martell has but without any of the dutiful nature that goes with it, which seems Targ-ey. By the time she was born her dad was gone/or almost, so her mother had to help Rhodryn in his new role, and child bearing problems and grieve and adapt so Daenella probably just got to have all the fun of being born into such great position but without any of the lessons in duty.

All the best royal families have that “only two kinds” thing and in the Martells’ case it the whole “hot and cold” thing I made up for The Princess and the Septa. It was kind of, like, institutionalizing the contrast between Doran and Oberyn, (a contrast so obvious that even GoT noticed it...) And Daenella is kind of this generation’s Oberyn. Though, so is Arion, so…

But, of course, the sharp contrast is also an oversimplification. Like, which one is Lewyn, for example?

Anonymous said:

Linette!!! nice to hear about her a bit. I wonder if a tiny bit of Duran's appeal to Alysanne, as she gets to know him better, if his obvious pride in his daughters, and the fact he's ''satisfied'' with them.

Tiny bit?

Linette’s a pro. She has charts.

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Anonymous said:

Daenella and Trystana seem like they just don't understand each other at all. they try in their own ways to connect but they're so different that the other just doesn't see these overtures as being meant to be kind or loving. Little Trystana might momentarily unite them when she's probably likely to be born at the most inopportune time. They're sisters, they clearly care for one another they just have no clue how to communicate with each other.

Anonymous said:

The princess of the breeze seems to bring the worst out of her sister. I think Trystana just has no idea how to relate to her, and as she's so used to being in control and knowing what she's doing she can't quite function as she wants to around her sister and they just end up having this escalating back and forth, that Trystana seems to know if ridiculous but can't quite break the cycle.

Deanella always has the best intentions for things, but she just gets overwhelmed by her emotions and can’t focus on things enough to actually follow through. She wants to be a good mother and a good sister but… omg, that dog has a fluffy tail! No one sane would trust her with any actual responsibilities.

And Trystana is very dutiful, but she also wants to make sure everyone knows how dutiful she is. Specifically that she’s more dutiful than Daenella. That being said, she would drop everything to help her sister in a crisis, even after the twentieth time.

Anonymous said:

Whilst I'm enjoying the little romance Alysanne has going on, I'm particularly enjoying her simple joy at having people notice her and making a few new friendships and how she just seems to spill to these people because she's probably never had anyone to really talk to for years aside from her daughter, and you can't tell you child any of this sort of stuff. I could see her and Deria becoming great friends, and Trystana too if Alysanne's world continues to open up.

Female friendships are important for women.

Anonymous said:

Someone needs to engineer ''accidents'' for certain assholes so that Daisy and Marigold can be left the fuck alone.

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Anonymous said:

LMAO, Alysanne thought she was in for an earful and instead she was being set up with her dreamboat again. Honestly when this is all over however it goes or doesn't go she's going to need a good neck massage from all the whiplash she's getting trying to get her head around all these dornish ways.

Those mysterious Dornish ways of, like, consent and stuff.

Anonymous said:

On a scale of 1-10, how concerned should we be for Alysanne's safety? Tybutt doesn't seem the type to take his wife showing agency lying down.

If Tybutt gets on Trystana’s wrong side you should be more concerned for his safety.

Anonymous said:

Trystana girl, you looked in the mirror lately, Daenerys is wilful? lol. Maybe their wilfulness comes out in different ways but they've both got bucket loads of it. I did enjoy her chat with Alysanne in general though, she likes her husband and wants him to have some happiness and joy. the fact the lady he likes is the biggest sweetheart that ever sweethearted is a big bonus though.

How dare you! Dany is nothing at all like Trystana!

#aWiS #A Wedding in Sunspear #aWiS asks

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theloveablesociopath · 7 years

Text

Silver Silence Part 8

Pairing: Bucky x shy enhanced reader

Summary: Bucky finally finds himself able to live at the compound with the team, but finds it difficult to repress his feelings for his new very shy and gentle teammate.

Word count: 1,607

Warnings: Swearing as always

(it is so beyond hard to write normal lately. I’ve been reading a lot of A/B/O fics and honestly they are my favorite things ever, only problem is that they make it hard to write normal fics when you’re in the mindset that you’re a fucking omega

ps: if you know of any alphabucky reader inserts please tell me)

For the next couple of days Bucky kept a closer eye on you then normal, you where slowly getting your strength back to a normal humans capacity, and he was worried you would over exert yourself. To make him less paranoid you decided to stay clear of training until your body was at full strength, But that didn’t mean you couldn’t watch others train.

You where currently marveling over Steve and Bucky’s toned bodies as they lunged at one another, throwing punches and kicks.

It wasn’t the first time you had done this, but the first time you had been so open about it. In the past you would hide behind workout equipment and long to be able to actually fight. (and also maybe staring at the beautifully chiseled features of two of the hottest super soldiers in the world.)

However currently, you where completely out in the open, not even bothering to act innocent as your eyes ran the length of Bucky’s body.

With one quick jab at Steve’s ribs, Bucky was able to knock him off balance enough to send a sweep of his feet to Steve’s legs.

Steve’s eyes traveled to you as he now lay on the matt in defeat, watching you sit cross legged near the wall.

You scribbled down a 0 on the small white board you stole from the medical wing, and held it up, giving him a thumbs down and laughing silently.

“I had ‘em on the ropes” he assured, but you just shook your head with a smile.

“(Y/N) do you want to try?” Steve asked, but was quickly shut down by Bucky.

“No, no she’s not ready yet”

You just smiled lightly, knowing Bucky just wanted you to be safe and healthy.

Before Steve could argue further, the door to the training room opened and tony strolled in, dressed in an over the top west wood suit.

“Fancy party?” Steve asked curiously.

“Hardly, no actually a meeting.” He replied, he took a couple of steps towards you and smiled gently, laying a careful hand on your shoulder.

“Miss your voice kid?” he asked softly.

You nodded sheepishly at him, looking over at Bucky who held a sort of jealous glint in his eyes.

Bucky was about to interject, probably some comment about Tony’s strange behavior, when tony began motioning towards the door. “Come on then, I have something you’ll appreciate.”

You looked back at Bucky, quirking a brow and hoping that he takes the hint to ask tony what he means. Unfortunately he just shrugged, forcing you to suck it up and go with tony anyway.

-------------------

“Alright kid, now I know surgeries are probably the least appealing thing to you, given the last couple of weeks, but its small and I’m almost certain the device will work.”

Tony sat you down on the same metal table you’ve felt the first time he explained your heart surgery. Only this time, it was some sort of brain and vocal cords type of surgery.

“It won’t take more than an hour, the healing is fast, and I promise you it won’t be like the last time.”

You looked up at him, thinking for a while but nodding your head. No pain no gain right?

He smiled and got up to inform his team of surgeons, leaving you to stare at the screen he had used to explain everything.

It was some sort of metal device that would be installed in place of your vocal cords and also connect to your brain, and by some complicated mechanics that you honestly zoned out while listening to, it would give you the ability to talk. You honestly felt kind of weird about it, thinking at first that it would be some kind of mechanical voice, but as tony explained he’s able to match to pitch and tone of your normal voice and actually make it sound like you.

You just really hoped it worked.

--------------------------------

Bucky hadn’t seen (Y/n) since yesterday, and honestly it started to worry him. Where the hell did tony take you, and why hadn’t you come back.

Just as he angrily shut the refrigerator door you came practically skipping into the kitchen.

“Oh hey doll.” He greeted softly, his eyes fixed on your brightly lit smile.

You gave him a wave, looking around and grabbing an orange from the bowl on the counter.

“Want any real food? I could make us some pasta?” he asked.

You gave him a nod, sitting yourself on one of the stools that lined up with the counter, while Bucky began to get a pan out, and search for the wooden spoon he seemed to always use. He looked through a couple draws and cabinets, but came up empty.

“it’s in the sink” you said casually.

“Oh thanks.” He replied, grabbing the spoon from the sink and rinsing it off.

After a few moments you heard the sudden drop of the spoon as Bucky’s head whipped around, eyes wide and mouth slightly agape.

“Y-You- did- I mean…”

“Hey handsome.” You answered.

He shuffled across the kitchen, grabbing your face in his hands smiling widly, and looking into your eyes almost trying to read your soul.

“How?!” he asked in a giddy voice.

“Tony gave me some sort of strange device that he got from his so called ‘client’.” You replied, motioning to the stitches that you had on the side of your neck.

“You have no idea how good it is to hear your voice.” He laughed softly, leaning in and placing a gentle kiss to your lips.

-----------------------------

(two days later, finally full strength!)

You retracted your fist as far back as you could, and sent a roaring punch to the side of the black bag, feeling the pressure of your force connect with the object and sent it swinging back. Your other hand doing the same at a rhythmic beat, as a smile spread over face in triumph.

In your frenzies of punches you lifted your leg up, spun, and sent the back of your heal against the bag with so much force that it swung nearly a foot away from the blow. The action would have caused you a broken leg in the past, but today, in this moment, it did nothing but send that beautiful healthy burn coursing through your muscles.

You let your body rest for a few minutes, smiling from ear to ear and swinging your arms back and forth in excitement.

Next you decided to hop onto a tread mill, a thing you where familiar with walking on but never running. You pushed your normal speed of about 3 and let yourself slowly walk, breathing deeply and softly laughing at how little your energy had drained.

After about 2 or 3 minutes you pushed the incline up to 8 and adjusted the speed straight to 10. The light wind from the machines built in fan, made your hair gently caress your face, sticking to your open lips as your mouth was panting and huffing in a wide grin.

Light laughs escaped you as you bumped up the incline and felt the sweat beginning to form on your forehead and arms. In all your years of life, running had never been something you were capable of doing. Your body was like a crumbling piece of stale bread and any moving around that was to wild could send your body into a heap on the floor.

“Trying out the new bones I see?” you heard a voice call over the loud whirl of the machine and slowly glanced back to see Bucky standing in the doorway of the gym. Your smile only grew more as you looked down at your feet, seeing them fly through the air in fluid motions.

“Same bones I’ve always had, just aren’t blocked by a giant black tumor anymore!” you yelled back. He gave an airy laugh and then approached you, causing you to turn the machine back to walking speed.

“What did Helen say about your condition?” he asked, this time at normal talking levels.

“I no longer have brittle bone disease, asthma, kidney failure, or degenerative disc disease. Oh and my iron deficiency has improved.” You stated, smiling at his shocked expression.

“All of that was caused by your powers?”

“Yup! Nearly everything that has ever been wrong with me was caused by my powers excessive need for strength.” His mouth stood agape before he quickly shut it and looked you over. “There is one thing that sucks though.”

“Oh really what’s that?” Bucky’s eyebrows rose.

“I get periods now…” you mumbled.

He let out a barking laugh and shook his head. “You didn’t before?”

You sighed heavily, squirming slightly as you felt the slight presence of what you body was doing down there.

“I was too skinny before, that stupid pocket kept all the nutrients and calories I got from any sort of food, so my period never really happened.”

He frowned slightly. “so you couldn’t have kids for two different reasons?”

You nodded. “Too frail and no periods, so yeah basically.”

“Hey.. I was wondering..” Bucky’s voice trailed off shyly.

“Go on.” You urged.

“Do you maybe want to go out to dinner tomorrow night?”

Your cheeks went red as you slowly lowered your head to hide it.

“i-I would love to.”

Permanent tags:

@soldierplum

Silver Silence tags:

@avengershavethetardis @dingo-ate-my-baby-crazy666 @loveyourselfcreateyourself @marvel-is-my-life2099 @ipaintmelodies @killer-stiles @chipilerendi @fab-notfat

Tags that didnt work: (im sorry)

@halseysbuttplug

#silversilence #silversilencepart8 #james bucky barnes #Bucky Barnes #bucky x reader #sebastian stan x reader #marvel #fanfiction #fanfic #Avengers #winter solider x reader #wintersoilder #buckybarnes #bucky #james barnes x reader

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typhonatemybaby · 7 years

Link

I stumbled across this article on twitter the other day and IMO it represents simultaneously the worst and most socially positive elements of what a lot of people think about when they think about scottish independence. Im from Scotland and support independence in the current climate, but for a variety of reasons, some of which are identical to the standard pro-indy platform, some wildly divergent. It starts off well enough, by poking a few holes in Ruth Davidsons generally tepid takes on the broad campaign for independence as well as highlighting her hypocrisy as regards her take on nationalism in general ( cue timely reference to the infamous tank photograph). After this the author takes the tack of using this as a platform for arguing for: “ ...the independence movement to challenge her "thinking" (quote marks very much needed) by giving stronger and more coherent meaning to the philosophy of our cause.“

Which in general is a program i support, especially given that the nature of the mainstream lines of the debate have sort of solidified into entrenched positions since indyref 1.0. However Im broadly speaking an anarchist so any chance of my actual views getting into the rhetoric of the independence debate is pretty slim. Regardless we crack on and Mr Mcalpine immediately starts talking about academic theories and conceptions of nationalism, which i would agree is a fair point to start. However this is also where i start to run int trouble with this article. Instead of using the theories he has outlined to help approach the matter materialistically and even state which of these he believes is closer to accuracy ( though to be fair he does do this later), McAlpine immediately simply lays them out as an offering and moves on to his first major calumny. I find it fitting that he does this after making the error that all online anarchos love to point out : “ oooooh you assumed the nation state is a good model at ALL. you FOOL” etc etc

So what is this first major issue? well:

“Because here's the thing – there is more or less no person in the world who is not wholly reliant on and deeply committed to the nation state system. I get deeply irritated by the 'citizen of the world' crowd who, hypocritically, expect someone else's nation state to provide the police to protect their MacBooks as they check into a hotel in someone else's country using someone else's roads paid for by someone else's nation state raising taxes on their population.

If you are a fascist, an anarcho-syndicalist, a theocrat or a believer in undemocratic kingdoms or empires, or of a single world government, then you have taken a legitimate position from which to attack nationalism. Everyone else is some kind of nationalist.”

Fuck me, bad post op.

First of all this is, for someone who just ragged on Ruth Davidson for not knowing about academic theories of nationalism in human society, this guy displays a total absence of knowledge when it comes to literally any of the ideological positions he’s just listed. Secondly, given the way this guy seems to conceive of nationalism i find the ( I assume rhetorical) claim he makes that “everyone is some kind of nationalist” to be somewhat farcical. Some people deliberately extricate themselves form this mode of thinking. some never fall into it at all and others merely drift away. Its either that or he is going for the Orwell argument, in which case, buddy, me and my pal Max have some news for you.

On the other hand if McAlpine is making the argument that “ we all live within political systems pervaded by the importance of the nation-state” or something along those lines, then frankly that’s one hell of a circular point seeing as he proselytizes the idea of Nation States as inherently legitimate, or at least seems to. If this latter argument is being made here then its not wildly different to that time Louise Mensch got up of Have I Got News For You and complained that anti capitalists protesters were idiots because they’d probably consumed capitalist goods. Not least i find this disgusting because of his insistence on the conception of “our roads” as if humans can cut out cubes of the air and trademark them. A criticism of tourist-colonialism is very justified, i agree, and the idea that the colonized nation, repressed by the colonizer is legitimate in resistance is one that many would say carries some water, but here he turns it utterly on its head, not only by arguing that Scotland is in any way similar to being an imperial colony in any significant degree, but also by turning this argument into a complete unconscious capitulation to the essentialism of the republic. Mcalpine worships the citizen, and now because of it anyone can build upon that ideological failure to wring up whatever evolved form of essentialism they may choose. It is from this that the whole failure of much of the self described civic nationalists springs. Their ideology has replaced the old totem with a new one and now the imagined republic forms what they strive for. It will of course never exist, vote or no. I happily voted Yes once and will do so again, but while i described myself as a civic nationalist last time i don’t any longer. I dont think this article really vindicates why anyone should

In that it is treated differently within the UK political landscape by the powers that be it is more akin to a collection of low priority constituencies, safe seats that neither side is compelled to compete over and thus will not invest in. The vestiges of serious English/Scottish violent tension or the post 1707 internal repression are not actually materially important any more. Scots aren’t being brutally oppressed in that way any more. In the Current material conditions it is about austerity over the course of decades, the aftermath of industrial collapse and regrowth, and cutting away from the worst of liberalism and neoliberalism, into a situation where things are merely bad and not catastrophic.

its for this reason that im skeptical of the premise of his next section: that civic, cultural and ethnic nationalism are fundamentally different. Different they are, but not inextricably so. in fact i believe they are merely faces of each other, and because the idea of nationalism does not allow for people to actually escape that loop, are suited to merely melt into each other as the climate requires. If you cant imagine the “ someone elses roads” rhetoric coming out of the mouth of certain other UK political figures mouths. Mcalpine attempts to escape this by stating that he sees the shades of grey and the nuances inherent in the problems of all these theories, but i would argue that the three distinct ideas of nationalism he has outlined do not form separate trends or tendencies, but that they chase each other in a spiral. I believe they have a dialectical relationship.

(Getting wildly off the rails I would liken it to Clausewitz’s “ fascinating trinity”, where three separate components of a concept that at first glance each seem the essential component, each rely on each other and by their own presence force the other aspects to relate to them.* The actual philosophical difference between civic and ethnic nationalism is particularly tenuous for reasons which i should not have to elucidate. These are not separate categories. They are elements in dialectical conversation with each other and each exists in the nationalist ideal, if you look in the right places. Creating a theory of the modern nation state isn't like picking different pokemon at the start of the game)

*I am aware of course that this is obscure as hell. feel free to ignore it Anyway getting back on track: I think that by this point another key error in the Civic nationalist platform should be clear by now: the notion that civic nationalism stands somehow as a desperately radical stance against globalization and modern consumerism, or even that it would materially represent a desperately different way of being from such things. Neither of these things are really expressly mentioned in this article as it isn't really the place for that massive discussion yet i personally get the feeling that we should briefly discuss them nonetheless. The Civic nationalist tendency amongst the main camp of the Independence movement in Scotland frequently effectively offers Scottish nationalism/independence as a bulwark, both materially and ideologically against “ the bad capitalism” presuming their own to be so much better. Again this isn't mentioned in McAlpines article, so its not like its at all his fault but i feel the need, as someone in favor of Independence and as an anti-capitalist who takes a Marxian analysis of capitalist economics to reiterate that this position is blatant nonsense

Anyway Mcalpine then knocks it right out of the park with the inclusion of a joke YouTube video, which to be fair takes a nice swing at BBC British nationalist propaganda, which is to be fair pretty horrendous. This section is a little edgy but whatever. He then moves on to complain that Sturgeon has had to avoid the word “ nationalist” in her rhetoric. Frankly i normally have no problem with the idea of nationalism being unpopular, but his point that it is being made unusable by the deliberate propagandist manipulation of the silent nationalism of the British political landscape (lmao) is an accurate one. Nationalism isn't what those people are arguing against. they are arguing for their own nationalism and their own power. Next up, after this worthwhile insight is a quite positive point, the heart of which i understand but at same time cannot stand alongside: The fixed idea of the citizen and citizenry is again raised. Difference and the validity of such is celebrated. All is Utopian. All is then sacrificed. the preponderance of the nation state over the citizen immediately re-erupts onto the scene, as the citizens become components of the national project. Which is inevitably going to cave to bog standard capitalist exploitation no matter how Utopian you make your Tomorrow-Scotland. Surplus Value is still Surplus Value regardless who the extractor is. McAlpine is not willing to accept this however and states:

“ This means that I believe nationalism is a function of people – that the nation state is explicitly a contract between each of its citizens, and not a contract between individuals and 'the state'. “ ...to which i can only respond with “ yeah right”.

He reiterates his imagined distinction between movement for a nation of citizens and affinity groups and relations, and old school patriotism and rightly criticizes it as a subservience to power, yet fails to reflect on such a notion within a nation. The rest of this article i cant really bring myself to criticize because it is genuinely clearly rather heartfelt in a way which i too have felt and sympathize with: snipe though i may I still sympathize with the general platform and the desires behind it: for a better way of living. Further the general premise of the article is made into a rather useful request at the end, even if i still feel that the author failed to live up to it:

“ If only we could show more courage in defining what our project is about at a fundamental level...”

Well to the author i say this: if that project is independence please count me as, though a critic, an ally. But if it is nationalism then i would encourage you to see which spooks and phantasms still haunt you and to see which wheels turn in your head.

#scottish independence #SNP #scottish national party #indyref2 #scotland

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ravenvsfox · 7 years

Note

Can you make a couples post about Kevin and thea please make it up as you go along if you have to, please. I love your writing and ideas.

thank you lovely, i’ll try my best bc they’re so good

SEND ME A SHIP AND I’LL TELL YOU…

who is more likely to hurt the other?

I think kevin is an ~idiot and he’d probably say something thoughtless about Thea’s form

I also think that he canonically abandoned her without a single fucking word when he left the ravens and that a lot of her anger after that comes from hurt

I think they’re both pretty damaged and susceptible to hurt tbh, but kevin doesn’t seem to understand when he’s hurting people

who is emotionally stronger?

proooooobs thea I mean. she braved the nest and came out the other side with her head on straight. she did not for a second let kevin fuckin day get to her. she’s still soft on the inside, and exy’s become kind of a coping mechanism in a lot of ways, but she’s less obviously fucked up by the moriyamas then kevin is (simply bc she was less important to them yikes)

who is physically stronger?

THEA BOYYYYY this isn’t even up for debate!!!!! neil describes her as being built like a tank, she’s an unstoppable fucking powerhouse on the court, we’re talking serena williams’ body type, just like.. immovable and gorgeous. kevin is so shaken he’s in love w her muscles..... he wants to be knocked to the fucking floor by her....... she fires a ball into his helmet so hard that it cracks and he pops a boner

who is more likely to break a bone?

hilarious im gonna say the boy w the infamously broken hand

who knows best what to say to upset the other?

good question I have no fucking clue they can both be dicks if the situation calls for it

I’m going to say that thea knows what to say to give kevin mad cold shoulder and she can smoke him out in a SECOND if he’s being a dick like she knows when to ignore him and when to back him into a corner

but kevin tends to be unnecessarily rude more often. he’s mean bc he knows that it gets results. thea does not tolerate him bringing this attitude home w him

who is most likely to apologize first after an argument?

neither? bitch?? if both of them believe they’re right there are gonna be exactly zero (0) sorry’s

I do think they’re probably softer w each other when they’re one on one and I’d be willing to bet that their arguments end with kevin explaining things to death and thea listening and narrowing her eyes a lot and holding the front of his shirt bc she’s mad but she still wants contact and they kiss and make up w out actually ever saying the words

who treats who’s wounds more often?

I think in the nest you’ve gotta take care of each other, so they both learn to sit the other down and hold gentle hands to the injured person’s sternum to keep them down, and they sit and wrap gauze. it’s v intimate. they probably did it for the first time when thea was playing for the ravens and kevin had yet to debut on the raven line, and there was enough of an age difference between them that it was pretty innocent. thea was overworked and hit for her trouble and kevin came up bc he was terribly impressed by her and a little bit in love and he dabbed at her cuts like the clumsy 17 year old that he was

who is in constant need of comfort?

it’s mutual bc their pasts are mutual, but I’m willing to bet that it’s kevin who wakes up sweating and crying, & thea knows how to give enough distance and turn on the lights so he remembers where he’s not. He was in shackles for longer. he still kinda hates himself sometimes. thea strokes the chess piece on his cheek and tells him that he checked riko straight to hell

who gets more jealous?

shit man idk?? neither of them really have room for anything in their lives other than exy and each other (and reluctant connection w teammates/family) so there’s not a lot of jealousy fodder. and they’re never gonna be jealous of the other person caring more about exy than them bc like. that’s understood. if I had to guess I might say thea’s jealous of the world falling all over themselves to get a glimpse at Kevin Day you know

who’s most likely to walk out on the other?

I hate to say either bc they’re a really good match and I feel like they’d bounce back really easily, but it’s possible that they fade away from each other when they’re getting their footing on their respective teams. thea can feel herself getting distracted and she pulls out. kevin shows up like???? >:( and they make up on the spot

who will propose?

probably kevin bc he does the math and realizes that thea is the best thing that’s ever happened to him in his LIFE. he’s probably 10 shots of vodka deep and he looks up suddenly like :O wait a second she’s perfect??? how do I keep her? and nicky has to be like dude.. have u heard of marriage..... it’s nifty and it’s been legal for you straight people for a bajillion years

who has the most difficult parents?

i know literally nothing about thea’s parents but considering jean’s family was a shitty mess that got caught up in the moriyamas I’m assuming most or all of the ravens are in similar situations?? they play for.... the mafia.....

so unless they’re saints, they’re definitely not better than david wymack can I get an amen

who initiates hand-holding when they’re out in public?

im trying to picture them holding hands........ I think they would in a like... come here! hurry ur ass up! kind of way like thea spends all her time dragging kevin’s oblivious ass around

who comes up for the other all the time?

considering neither of them mentioned each other or their relationship for like two books........ idk

i bet you in an easier world it would be kevin though. (my gf is beautiful and strong. she could obliterate u w one swing of her racquet. she wears pretty pastels on her face. i want to kiss her)

who hogs the blankets?

don’t tell but kevin’s obsessed w feeling coddled and warm and I’m willing to bet that he hogs both the blankets and the woman until thea is also bundled up. i hope they learn to cuddle. I bet they’re rlly bad at it at first but it gets easier and more constant over time

who gets more sad?

again like. I know v little about thea’s background but if she’s in the nest she’s in deep shit. the both of them were assets that had their lives manipulated out of their own hands. kevin’s wound is open and thea’s is poorly sewn up and neither of them are doctors tbh it takes time and professional help until thea can take her old jersey number off of her necklace and replace it with a chess piece pendant (3 guesses which one)

who is better at cheering the other up?

they’re reeeally bad at this tbh both of them are like ‘uhhhh... don’t cry.. please..rlly.. stop’ spoilers it’s bc they’ve never been properly comforted themselves :))))

BUT as time goes on kevin starts clumsily recreating things the foxes have said to him and it’s really sweet, and thea can be v mellow when they’re alone together, so she’ll take his bad hand and massage the tension out of it, and smooth his hair back and tell him what an idiot he’s being but like.. fondly

who’s the one that playfully slaps the other all the time after they make silly jokes?

nope

who is more streetwise?

I still know nothing about thea but I’m willing to bet that it’s her bc she’s been out in the world for longer?? idk where she was before evermore but she’s already building a life for herself after it when we meet her. kevin’s fresh out of it. he’s messed up but he was messed up indoors under lock and key. all he has now is a little experience from columbia and from watching andrew

who is more wise?

tough to say? I get the feeling that thea knows better than kevin? idky she just..... knows

he’s oblivious at best tbh he knows obscure facts and exy exy exy. thea does too but she also has that practicality and survival baked into her. she seems sharp to me

who’s the shyest?

not really shy so much as unwilling to show mmmmm anything about themselves until they’re in deep. Thea comes in and orders neil out of the room the first time she meets him ! like she has every right to be pissed but she doesn’t seem stressed that she’ll be disobeyed or come across as rude. I think she’s familiar with being listened to. kev has that sickly media personality and a seven layer cake of repression underneath that so..

pick ur poison. they’re both mostly bravado anyway

who boasts about the other more?

again, in a perfect world, kevin’s bragging about thea

but as is thea gets all these questions about kevin in interviews and she’s like “hi we’re here to talk about me” but if they ask the right question she’ll get this sly smile and drop them some subliminal messaging type hints about their relationship and move on

kevin’s more sputtery and obvious about thea. she’s his weakness

who sits on who’s lap?

I bet it’s both bc kevin’s obsessed w thea’s thighs on either side of his lap & her weight on top of him and thea likes how pliant and focused kevin gets when he’s looking down at her

#this is loooong and laaaate #ask meme #kevinxthea #aftg #the foxhole court #tfc hc #hc #long post #violence mention #Anonymous #ask

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