#I've been having a little bad memories lately so THIS MADE ME SO MUCH HAPPIER WIIIII | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

yoongiseesawmp3 · 4 months

Text

ceilings - san

summary: pe teacher!san x single mom!reader. your kid is finally ready to go to school, and you're spiraling. thankfully, you find friendship with your kid's teacher and she becomes determined to become your best friend. simultaneously, she tries to set you up with the cute pe teacher, but you know him from somewhere deep within your past. can the truth come out without jeopardizing your future?

word count: 12.4k

warnings: afab reader so gendered terms, mentions of accidental pregnancy

masterlist / part two

"violet, come on, we're gonna be late!" you shout to your daughter. it's her first day of kindergarten, her first day of real school, and you're so close to tears. you want to cry because your baby is growing up, because you won't get to cart your little mini me around with you everywhere now, because you're so stressed about getting her to school on time. it's been a rough morning, and your daughter taking her sweet time is not helping.

"i'm almost ready!" she shouts back from the bathroom, and you suppress a groan. what does a five year old have to primp for?

"one more minute and i'm dragging you to the car!" you threaten lightheartedly, knowing she'll only take it to mean she has a minute before you go and help her.

"i'm done," she says proudly as she appears in the doorway to the kitchen. hands on her hips she asks, "how do i look?"

"ridiculous," you laugh. "is that my shirt?"

"and my belt!" she defends herself. "i thought it was cute."

"it is cute, baby, but maybe you should wear something more comfortable for the first day?" you offer. you shuffle over to the laundry basket you left on the stairs and dig around for an outfit, handing your stubborn daughter some jeans and a sweater. "just wear something comfy today, and later this week you can dress silly."

"i wasn't dressed silly, i was dressed like you," violet mumbles, and you roll your eyes. your daughter definitely got your sass, and your stubbornness, but the resemblance kind of stops there. she's a spitting image of her father, a constant reminder of the mistake you made when you were younger. but it wasn't really a mistake, was it? if it brought you the one thing that's made you happier than anything before, it wasn't a mistake at all. violet was the best thing that ever happened to you, and again, the waterworks threaten to fall as you think about dropping her off for her first day of school. a day, you realize, you're late for.

"c'mon sugar, we gotta go!" you shout, grabbing her hello kitty backpack. "i've got your stuff, meet me in the car!"

you work close enough to violet's school that you can be one of those annoying carpool parents swarming the school grounds every day. while violet may hate it, you're so excited for all the memories that will come from these trips to and from school each day. like today, you'll always remember how violet started crying a few minutes down the road, claiming she didn't want to go to school because she didn't want to eat school lunch.

"it's not that bad, vi." you tell her as you peek at her through the rearview. "i remember loving some days of school lunch so much i would always go, even if i was sick."

"but you only liked some days," she sniffed. "what if i don't like any of the days?"

"then i'll pack you a lunch," you assure her. "just try it this week, every day, because some days will be better than others. then if you don't like any of it i'll start making your lunch. how does that sound?"

"okay," she nods, her sad little sniffles clearing up. "thank you mommy."

"we're almost there," you say quietly, more to yourself than to your daughter. "are you excited, sugar?"

"kinda," she admits. "i'm excited to see miss jen!"

"she's gonna be a great teacher," you agree. "you're gonna learn so much, and you're gonna have so much fun with her and all the friends you're gonna make. right?"

violet nods again, and you're satisfied for now. you're sure your baby is alright to go off to school for the first time, at least for the time being. surely there will be another thing to freak about later in the day, but for now you need to worry about navigating this carpool line. a man in workout clothes with a haggard looking traffic vest is directing traffic, and while you pass him, you feel your heart skip a beat.

it can't be him, right? there's no way he works here. it can't be. you keep driving, following the cones until you pull up to the sidewalk and a very kind looking teacher approaches your car with a soft smile.

"good morning!" he chirps. "i'm mr. kang, the librarian," he says as he stoops to peer through your window. his gaze goes to the backseat, asking violet, "are you ready for the best day ever?"

she nods shyly, and you watch as she undoes her car seat and slides out of the car with her too big book bag engulfing her frame as she walks away. you shout her name and she turns, a nervous look on her face.

"have a great day, my love!" you blow her a kiss for good measure, and you carry the way she smiles proudly with you for the rest of the day. the man in the traffic vest is all but forgotten, but he watches from afar in confusion. was he seeing things, or were you really here dropping off a kid? a kid, in fact, who looked exactly like he did at that age. weird, he thinks, but he shakes it off and continues directing traffic, wondering how he could find a way to introduce himself over the next few days.

when you were younger, your parents always supported you academically, but they were never involved with the school itself. pta meetings were not their thing, and it was a struggle getting them to take off work for a parent/teacher conference. you had decided early on that you would be one of those involved parents, one that knew your kid's teacher well and participated in room mom activities. you were texting violet's teacher last night, actually, asking if there was anything you could bring to help celebrate the first week, and she was eager to have the help.

she'd asked you to bring lollipops, so on thursday afternoon you're searching for a parking spot before school lets out. you were going to drop the goodies off at violet's classroom and help jen with the goody bags during dismissal, quick and easy. except, an intimidating figure walking toward your car may not make this process as easy as you'd have hoped.

san saw your car pull up and immediately stepped out into the parking lot. as the unofficial carpool guardian, one of his daily jobs is stopping parents who try to cheat the system by taking up faculty spots so they can be first in line. san didn't know it was you or he would've approached with a different demeanor, but today was rough. he had at least two criers per class and one kid who ran so hard after lunch he puked outside san's office. he wasn't in the mood to deal with a privileged parent, so he lets out a deep sigh as he approaches your now open window.

"ma'am you can't park here-" he starts, but as soon as his eyes meet yours he chokes on his words. "y/n?"

"hi san," you smile shyly, heartbeat racing. "so i can't park here? there weren't any guest spots out front, and i need to take something to vi's class-"

"vi?" san questions, and you let out a deep sigh of your own.

"violet," you tell him. "my..my daughter."

"i thought that was you the other day," san admits, and you nod in confirmation. "well, um, if you're just coming to drop something off, you're all good, you can leave your car-"

"oh really? i can move, it's no problem-"

"no, no, don't worry about it-"

"are you sure?" you ask, finally stopping the awkward back and forth. "you won't tattle?"

"pinky promise," san laughs, holding your door for your as you get out. "but i'd sneak out before carpool starts up if i were you, it'll be hard to pull out once the lot fills up."

"got it," you nod graciously, slipping your hand into the backseat to grab the bag of candy. san is still standing there, so you clear your throat and try to leave. "well, thanks for letting me-"

"no worries-"

"it was good seeing you-"

"yeah, yeah..." san trails off. once you're a few feet away he calls your name. you turn to see what he needs, and he thinks about it before shrugging. "never mind," he says. "it was nice to see you."

"bye san," you manage to get out before you turn the corner, hands sweaty and heart doing funny flips in your chest.

you hadn't told violet about your visit, so when jen lets you into the room you hear an excited squeal followed by a pair of small arms wrapped around your legs. violet looks up at you proudly, a spot of something on her cheek. you forget sometimes, just how much she looks like san, but your exchange outside has him fresh on the brain. she has his smile. you shake the thoughts from your head and try to take a step, but violet won't budge.

"hey sugar," you laugh, ruffling her hair with your free hand. "go back to your seat, school's not over yet."

"but-"

"violet, do you want to show your mom where to put the bags she brought?" jen offers, and you send her a thankful look. violet tugs on your hand, bringing you over to the "treasure box" which is really just a filing cabinet jen must have filled with candy and toys. violet shows you each drawer, and you make her look away as you place the candy in it's appropriate drawer so it won't ruin the surprise for now. satisfied with her work, violet goes back to her seat as the bell rings for dismissal. you organize some of the other things you brought on jen's desk as she goes over reminders for the class, and then the first few rounds of students start leaving.

"thanks for bringing all this," jen says as she joins you.

"do you need help putting them together?" you ask, and she thinks for a moment.

"no, i don't want to keep you," she starts.

"well, i think i'm stuck for a while anyway," you inform her. "i had to park in a faculty spot, and carpool-"

"oh yeah, you're definitely stuck," jen laughs. "let me get everything set up, and then you can start while i help the rest of the kids leave, if you don't mind?"

"not at all!" you assure her, looking out to find violet watching you both like a hawk. "do you think we'll need another set of hands though?" jen follows your gaze and laughs before waving violet over. the three of you get everything set up, and you ask violet about her day as jen organizes the next group of kids for bus call.

"it was good!" violet says happily. "i liked lunch today."

"what did they have?"

"chicken sammiches," she says, and you laugh.

"sandwiches, baby," you tell her. "sammiches is a me and you word, but some people may not know what that means."

"i like chicken sandwiches and chicken sammiches," she nods. "and then we had pe and a boy in my class threw up. he had pizza."

"gross," you crinkle your nose. "you liked pe though?"

"yeah, it was fun!" violet goes off on a tangent about all the games, and jen rejoins you to help finish the bags. the three of you fall into comfortable conversation with violet as the life of the party. you like jen, you find yourself thinking. you hope it's not weird to be friends with your kid's teacher, because you could really use one here. you're lost in that thought, so you don't notice when someone appears in the doorway.

"mr. choi!" violet chirps, abandoning her task and rushing to meet him. never met a stranger, your child, because she's tugging his hand and bringing him over to you. "this is mommy."

"that's not her name though, is it violet?" jen asks, ever the teacher.

"y/n," san nods, and you don't miss the way jen looks from you to san to violet and back again. "did you get tricked into staying late?"

"no, i offered," you reply. "but i didn't have a choice, i didn't listen to your advice and couldn't leave before carpool started."

"you're all good now," he says, holding up his reflective vest all crumpled in his big hand. "just sent the last kid home."

"good to know," you nod. "vi, where's your stuff? we'll leave soon."

"no!" she whines. "i don't wanna leave!"

"don't you want a snack though?" you tempt her, and that sends the mini menace into motion.

"to what do i owe the pleasure of you stinking up my classroom, choi?" jen asks.

"i wanted to talk to you about the kid that threw up today," he says, and you must look at him confused because he asks you if anything's wrong.

"are you the pe teacher here?"

"yep," he answers. "i didn't know this was your violet," he says, nodding his head toward your kid. "she's a sweetheart. ball of energy too."

"you're telling me," you smile softly. violet walks over then, informing you that she's ready to go. you ask jen if there's anything else you can do, but she insists on you taking violet home.

"you've helped enough, believe me," jen tells you. "i'll see you tomorrow violet!"

"bye miss jen!" violet says with a smile. "bye mr. choi! i hope no one pukes on you tomorrow!"

jen waits for you and your kid to be far enough down the hall before she asks calmly. "so. how do you know y/n?"

"we, uh, we go way back," san says. "went to school together, college, all that."

"oh, so you like, really know her," jen says, a plan brewing in her head. she saw the way san looked at you. she also knows you're single. "you didn't know her kid went here?"

"didn't know she had a kid at all," san shakes his head, and he seems to get lost in a thought before he remembers what he came here for. "anyway, this kid today, you gotta tell him not to eat so much before pe..."

you and san didn't grow up together, exactly, but you have known him since high school. you floated around similar groups of friends, so you hung out regularly without ever getting too close. it wasn't until college that you actually became friends. you both went to a local school, at least as local as you can get for your small town. living in a city all by yourself was intimidating, but you weren't worried about not making friends. you knew they would come.

the day of your orientation, san saw you sitting by yourself in the auditorium and immediately recognized you. he brushed off his sweaty hands before walking over and softly calling your name. when you registered who he was, you smiled and invited him to sit next to you. both happy to see a familiar face, you spent the rest of orientation attached at the hip. in fact, you spent the rest of your time at school like that. san was your best friend, nothing more. he didn't always feel that way, but he did a good job of hiding his feelings. he was able to hide how he felt about you all the way up to the final semester of your senior year.

you were thriving, one of those seniors itching to finish school and get out into the real world. you knew you were just months away from a successful career, and you wouldn't let anything get in your way. you liked that you didn't know what was coming next or where you would end up after graduation. the prospect of moving to a new city, hell, maybe a new country, was exciting. this restlessness is what made san speak up. he was ready to graduate too, sure, but he was ready to get out of the city. san always wanted to be a teacher, and he already had offers all across the state, but the only job he cared about was in his hometown. it's where he wanted to be, and he knew that if he didn't tell you how he felt now, he may never get the chance. he wanted you to know so he could at least have a chance with you, even for a little while.

so he confessed, one night early in the semester. he was walking you home, his dorm only a few doors down from yours. at the door to your dorm he pulled you into a hug, which was normal for him. san was always a touchy friend, but what he said as he pulled away still bounces around in your head.

"y/n, i think i'm in love with you," he said earnestly. you looked in his eyes, trying to find the beginnings of a smile, some hint of a secret, that this was a joke. but he was serious. when you didn't say anything he shrugged, stepped away, and added, "i just wanted you to know."

you still don't know if it was shock or fear that kept you from saying anything that night, from calling his name and pulling him back in. but you didn't say anything then, you didn't say anything for months. san pretended like it never happened, and you just went along.

it didn't come up again until the going away party at the end of the year. school was over, finals done, and graduation was days away. everyone wanted to celebrate the past four years and freak out over what was next, all sharing where they were going and how scared they were. san was moving back home to be a teacher and wasn't scared at all. you were leaving for a bigger and better city the day after graduation and you were terrified.

later, san pulled you to the side and asked if you were ok. you knew he was referring to the job stuff, but you had other things on your mind. you were a little tipsy, so you decide that's why you leaned in and kissed him. it was quick, soft, barely a kiss, but you did it. you kissed him and pulled back faster than san could think, his eyes still closed when you parted and said, "i just wanted to know what it would feel like."

you were able to avoid him for the rest of the party, enjoying your last few hours with some of your best friends. you had an early morning, so you stopped drinking before everyone else and found yourself as a designated walker at the end of the night. you and san were elected to walk a few friends back to their dorms, dropping them off as you passed each building on your own walk home. inevitably, you were left alone with san at your door like that night months ago. san looked like he wanted to say something, and you didn't want him to leave, so instead of separating at the door you invited him in.

you'll never forget that night, and neither will san. but with your paths parting in a few days, you thought it would be something you could move on from eventually. a few weeks later, in your new city, at the perfect job, you found out you were pregnant. it hurt, the decision to not tell san, but the thought of stopping your life before it even started hurt more. you figured you would never see san again, or that you could at least keep the kid a secret if you ever hung out with your college friends again. you never thought that you'd somehow end up moving your daughter to the neighborhood where san grew up, or that the great school you fought to enroll her in could possibly be where san currently worked. but that's life, isn't it? or fate. or maybe just dumb luck. whatever it was, the universe was trying to get you to tell the truth and you're not sure you're ready to do that. to yourself, to violet, or to san.

san can't stop thinking about you. he tries so hard to catch a glimpse of you during carpool, but he's too busy focusing on a million other things and never manages to find you. he tries to think about how he could use violet to talk to you, like sending a note home with her, but that's inappropriate. he needs to see you again, though. that's when he gets an idea.

you and jen have become genuine friends, which has made things confusing for violet only because she treats jen like her teacher in casual settings. you met up for dinner the other night and violet raised her hand to ask jen a question, so hopefully she'll get used to it. san knows you two are close, and he knows if he asks jen about you she'll tell him whatever he wants to know.

at lunch one day he finds jen in the teacher's lounge and motions to the empty seat at her table. she lets him sit, but warns, "wooyoung saved the other seats for himself, so leave now if you want to."

wooyoung, one of the third grade teachers, was actually one of san's best friends. he's a hand full, yes, but fiercely loyal and caring. san doesn't necessarily want him to hear the conversation he wanted to have with jen, but oh well. as soon as san has that thought, wooyoung is bursting through the door with a stack of plastic containers from the lunchroom in his arms.

"m'lady," he nods to jen as he passes her a container. he looks to san and asks, "you want one bro?"

"what's in it?" san asks skeptically, and wooyoung shows off a stack of chicken sandwiches. "seriously?"

"hey, they're really good," jen pipes up. "the kids are lucky they get to eat these."

"how did you get so many?" san asks wooyoung as he takes a sandwich anyway.

"flirted with the lunch ladies."

"course you did," jen rolls her eyes, taking a bite of the sandwich. she chuckles to herself, and then shares, "you know, there's a kid in my class who calls these sammiches? no matter how many times you correct her, she won't say anything else. she told me this morning she didn't want to come to school, but she did because it was sammich day."

that's violet. san knows it is. he heard a snippet of your conversation in jen's classroom weeks ago, but he also knows he's heard violet say something similar when she comes to the gym. she loves those sandwiches, and san must admit, now that he's tried one he gets the hype. this is his shot though, he thinks to himself. he clears his throat and asks, "that's y/n's girl right?"

"who's y/n?" wooyoung asks, and jen responds, "san's girlfriend."

"no she's not," san says quickly. "she's kidding."

"you like her though?" wooyoung smirks, and san shakes his head.

"i-it's not like that," san explains. "i knew her a long time ago, and haven't seen her for a few years. that's all."

"so what about her?" jen asks.

"what do you mean?"

"well you brought her up," jen laughs. "you want me to tell her you asked about her? that feels very elementary of you, san."

"no, no, i was just, uh," san racks his brain for a response, "um, she's your room mom right? i may need to talk to her, for um, uh, field day."

"sure," jen nods. "i can give you her number, if you don't have it?"

"yeah, yeah," san nods too, "sure, if you think that'll be ok. i mean, i just needed to ask something, really quick, but, um, sure, yeah."

"if you really need to talk to her, she's coming in tomorrow i think," jen says, checking her phone. "yeah, tomorrow is violet's birthday, so y/n is bringing cupcakes at lunch. you can just stop by my class table and ask her whatever you need to ask her."

"oh, cool, great," san nods. wooyoung and jen share a quiet laugh, noticing that san seems like a bobblehead nodding so nervously. "yeah, tomorrow. lunch tomorrow. i'll be here."

you're running late. it's your kid's frickin birthday and you're late. you wanted to be supermom, make cupcakes from scratch, but work has been crazy on top of all the prep for violet's party, and you're just one woman. you can't do all of this by yourself, and it's times like these that you wish...no. that's not where you're going to let your mind wander today. today is all about violet, so as you rush out of the grocery store, you handle the store bought cupcakes with intense care. you can't be late and show up with smushed cupcakes.

thankfully this town is small enough that everything is within spitting distance, so you arrive at violet's school with just a few minutes left in her lunch. you hurry through the check in, rushing off to where you hope the lunchroom is. it would be just your luck to get lost right now, but you let out a breath of relief when you turn the corner and see the cafeteria ahead. you have to pause at the door to look for her class, and you hold back a sob when you see one very broad shouldered man sitting next to your beautiful daughter. you manage to walk up without violet seeing you, but at the sound of your footsteps, san turns. he smiles at you softly and he looks so much like violet it hurts. your eyes drift to your daughter, who's noticed you now and bounces in her seat.

"hey birthday girl," you say meekly, clearing your throat before you speak again. "how's your day been?"

"good!" violet smiles, showing you a half eaten vanilla cupcake with purple icing. "mr. choi brought me birthday cake!"

"aw, that's sweet," you say, looking to san. he's staring at you intensely as you ask, "did you tell him thank you?"

"i did!" violet confirms, but she turns to san and repeats, "thank you, it was yummy."

"do you have room for another?" you ask her, holding up the cupcakes you brought. violet already looks ready to bounce off the walls, so you'll have to apologize to jen later, but you ask if she wants to help pass out cupcakes to her friends. you hold the containers as she carefully hands out the treats, and you're pleased to know there were plenty of cupcakes for everyone. actually, there's some left over, so you start packing them up to take home but violet stops you.

"mommy, we need to give mr. choi one," she tells you, and you look to san sheepishly. "and there's one for you too, mommy!"

"i guess we're having cupcakes," you chuckle with san, offering him one of the last two cupcakes. "vi, can i take your spot?" she nods eagerly, letting you sit on the hilariously tiny lunch chair. you struggle balancing on it and look up to see san watching, trying not to laugh. violet is oblivious though, icing smeared all over her face as she talks to her friend across the table. "hey, no laughing. it's been a long day."

"sorry," san says, the remnants of a smile still on his face. "you doing alright?"

"i'm fine," you sigh slightly. you look at san again, really look at him, and you feel your heart constrict. "thank you for bringing her a cupcake."

"oh, sure," san says. "i didn't want to overstep, but jen told me yesterday, and i figured violet could at least take it home, but when i got here and didn't see, uh...you weren't here-"

"you can say it, i was late to my own kid's birthday," you laugh, rubbing your hand over your face. san finds himself staring at your fingers and something pops into his head.

"and again i ask, you doing alright?" he laughs with you. "being a parent must be hard."

"it has its bad days," you admit. "but for every bad day there's hundreds of good ones, so it makes the whole single parenting thing a little easier."

there it is. single. san looks down to your hands again, and has to hide his satisfied smirk. there's no ring.

"so, what-" san starts to ask, but the bell dings and the cafeteria erupts in even more sound. students talking, teachers yelling, chairs scraping as everyone is set in motion. jen walks over then, smiling when she sees you and san sat so close together. she waves hello before calling for her class, and you give violet a big squeezey hug and a kiss on the forehead before she takes her food and runs off. san watches you watching violet, and now it's his turn for his heart to twist. he's missed you. a lot.

"i guess i better go," you say as you gather all of the cupcake trash. san covers his hands over yours, stilling your movements and your heart, and says, "let me, i'll clean up."

"th-thank you san," you say shyly, and he waves you off. he can feel your eyes on him as he walks to the trash cans, and he can't help it, when he turns around he pulls a face that used to always make you laugh. his success rate is still high, because a beautiful giggle appears from deep within your chest, and then san is standing back in front of you. you know him, and you know there's something he wants to say, so you ask, "are you doing alright?"

"i'm fine," he nods, and you playfully push his shoulder. he smiles as he goes on, "actually, i was thinking about it, and i'll need your new number. for field day purposes, of course."

"oh," you breathe. "oh, right. room mom stuff. um, well unless you deleted my contact info, my number is the same."

"oh."

"yeah."

"right, then i guess i'm good," san says, looking around for any last bits of trash. "always good seeing you, y/n. tell violet happy birthday again from me."

"will do," you squeak out, calling out your thanks to him one last time as he walks away. you're left in the now silent lunchroom, heart and mind racing.

"i'm just saying, you and san would make a cute couple," jen repeats for what feels like the millionth time today. she's come over to your house early to help set up violet's birthday party, and you're thankful for the help but wishing the set up was less obvious. "you already know each other, so it's not like you'd have to go through that awkward dating phase-"

"did we put balloons on the mailbox already?" you cut through her words, grabbing a couple pink and purple balloons from the pile on the table. "i'll do that now, so people know which house it is. if vi wakes up, tell her i'll make birthday pancakes as soon as i'm done."

"will do," jen salutes you, taking the remaining balloons into the living room. "i'll tack these to the ceiling or something."

"please don't!" you call out before you shut the door, and you take a deep breath when you're outside alone. you don't know how to make jen stop talking about san, and it's draining. you've tried changing the subject and she always finds a way to bring san back into it. she means well, you know that. but what she doesn't know is that everything she says about san just rubs salt in the wound you inflicted on yourself, and it's getting harder to ignore. you're either going to snap and tell her to shut up, or you're going to snap and admit to what you've been hiding. either option isn't ideal, so fingers crossed violet wakes up soon and you can use her as a buffer.

tying the balloons to your mailbox ended up being more of an ordeal than you thought, so it takes you a while to trudge back into the house. you're tired already and the party hasn't started yet. you're making another cup of coffee when you realize the house is quiet, no sounds of jen and no sounds of vi. you let the coffee pot run as you walk around in search of the girls, and you hear a faint noise coming from the backyard. a peek through the window shows jen and violet running streamers from the back porch to vi's playset, and your heart warms. while they're outside, you get to work on the birthday pancakes in peace. you're almost done with them when you get a call, groaning to yourself thinking it's a parent calling about the party. you don't check the name before you answer, letting out a perfectly nice, "hello?"

"y/n, hi," san says on the other line. "is this a bad time?"

"um, n-no," you stammer, "it's um, no, i can talk. just for a minute."

"if you're busy i can call back-"

"no, san, go ahead," you insist. "just be warned i'm making pancakes, so i am a little distracted."

"oh yeah, you used to suck at those," san teases, and for a moment you're thrown back to college. you remember san staying over at your dorm, claiming he was too drunk to walk the fifteen steps down the hall. you let him crash on your floor, and he woke up to an awful hangover and the sound of you cursing over your batch of blackened pancakes. trying to be nice, san tried one anyway. you'll never forget the way you both belly laughed after he lied and said they were good with a look of fear in his eyes. later he admitted he'd never had something so bad, and you swore to never make pancakes again. san obviously remembers, because he asks, "what made you stop the pancake ban?"

"they're for vi's birthday."

"her birthday was on tuesday i thought?"

"yeah, but we're having her party today," you explain, and then you clap your hand to your forehead. you shouldn't have said anything.

"oh then i won't keep you," san says quickly. there's something strange in his voice, but you're so far removed from him that you can't pick up on it. "i hate to call about school stuff on the weekend, but this is the only time i had..."

while san explains the reason for his call (room mom duties + he missed you, but he leaves that part out), jen and violet come in from the backyard. streamers are done, and violet is wearing a torn one around her neck like a scarf. you wave her over for a hug and a kiss, and jen mouths, "who are you talking to?" so you show your phone screen. she gasps when she sees it's san, and it's like you're watching a lightbulb spring from her head. she's got an idea.

"invite him to the party!" jen hisses, and you push her away.

"is that the birthday girl?" san asks, and there's a softness in his voice that makes you melt. "do you need to go?"

"no, just one of the birthday elves being annoying," you grumble, trying to elbow away from jen but she grabs your phone anyway and says a cheery hello to her coworker.

"hey san! happy saturday," she starts off. "listen, are you doing anything around, say, one o'clock?"

"uh, not that i can think of-"

"great! then i'll have y/n text you her address, you should come to violet's party. there's plenty of food, and we'd love to see you!" jen says with an evil smile plastered on her face.

"um, can you hand me back to y/n?" san asks, and jen relinquishes your phone then disappears.

"san, you do not have to come if you don't want to, jen is-"

"jen's what!?" jen shouts from somewhere within your house.

"i want to come," san says, and you're so surprised you almost drop the pancake you're trying to flip. "if that's ok."

"i..." you trail off, and then you look at violet. sweet, lovely violet. you would do anything for that girl, but you know she deserves more. she deserves both parents, and the little part of you that's been wondering if san's reappearance was a sign is the part that wins you over. you say, "yeah, come to the party. i want you here."

"then i'm there," san says, and you can hear his smile. "should i bring a present?"

"no, god, don't worry about that. girl's spoiled already, she doesn't need another toy," you tell him, and san laughs.

"alright. then text me the address, and i'll see you soon i guess."

"yeah, see you soon," you mumble as you hang up and look around for jen. she's rightfully hiding somewhere, but violet's voice distracts you as she asks who you were talking to. "well sugar, i have an extra birthday surprise for you," you say as you plate her pancakes. "mr. choi might be coming to your party, is that ok?"

"mr. choi?!" violet shrieks as she stands in her chair. you remind her not to do that and she listens, but she looks at you and asks, "for seriously? he's my favorite teacher."

"hey," jen whines as she rejoins you, throwing away the remnants of wrapping paper in her hands. "and to think i got you the biggest coolest birthday present ever."

"really?" you and violet ask in unison, and jen nods enthusiastically at your daughter. when she joins you at the sink she whispers, "i didn't go overboard."

"yes you did," you whisper back.

"what did san want?" jen asks with that evil smile again, and you try to elbow her side but she darts away too quickly.

"i had told him about the game the kinder moms wanted our grade to do for field day, and he forgot what supplies it needed," you explain. "so he was calling about that, and the call was almost over when someone interrupted."

"y/n, listen," jen says sternly, and you both look over to violet to make sure she's distracted. jen keeps her voice down as she continues, "he likes you. don't ask me how i know, but i know. and the way you get so nervous around him, i know it sounds childish, but i think you have a crush on him-"

"jen," you say seriously. "please stop. you don't know what you're doing."

"no, y/n, you don't know what you're doing!" jen says, and you step back. "no, i don't mean it like that. i just mean, you said you were having a hard time doing this on your own. it may not be my place, but i think san could help. he'd be good for you and violet."

"you remember how san and i were friends years ago?" you ask, and jen nods, about to add to her case, but you cut her off. "we were close. really close."

"did you kiss?" jen asks excitedly and you roll your eyes.

"will you focus?" you smile anyway, and add, "we spent most of our time together, but then life stuff changed. we went in completely different directions, and it was just easier to say goodbye and go our separate ways. that was five years ago. well, six, now i guess," you correct yourself, your eyes betraying you as they flick back over to violet.

"oh my god," jen gasps. "no."

"yes."

"no way."

"yes."

"you're a liar."

"mommy's not a liar," violet chimes in, and you let out a sound somewhere between a laugh and a cry. "miss jen, that wasn't very nice."

"i'm sorry violet, you're right," jen says calmly. she looks closely at violet and then to you. "but sometimes what's right is hard to do."

"i know that," you sigh. "believe me. but we can talk about this later."

"you bet your ass we are!"

"miss jen!"

"sorry, sorry!"

you and jen do a good job of ignoring the truth bomb you set off just before guests started arriving, but knowing san will be here soon keeps you on edge all day. violet is having the time of her life, which takes a little bit of pressure off of you at least. you just have to play host to your family and friends all while keeping one eye on the door for san.

he arrives just past one. you heard the doorbell from the backyard, but as you're walking through the house you see your aunt opening the door for him. it opens to a stunning version of the man you've tried so hard to hide from, and just looking at him makes you blush. he's dressed casually, but nicer than the work out clothes you see him in at the school. jeans and a sweater, and glasses. san never wore glasses in school, and you're wondering why this news is making your stomach flip. when san finds you, his face lights up. he makes his way around a group of kids and pulls you into a polite hug, mumbling his greeting into your hair. you wish time would stop for a moment, let you stay in his hold a second longer. but he's pulling away and shyly presenting a gift bag, his sheepish eyes saying "sorry but not sorry."

"i told you not to bring anything," you scoff, taking the gift over to the present table anyway.

"it's something small, but i think she'll like it," san says, and you thank him. it's awkward for a second as you both search for something to say, but in the quiet san reaches to push his glasses further up his nose and you smile.

"so you getting old, choi?" you tease him, pointing to the glasses. "how long have you needed those for?"

"just a couple years," san shrugs. "i don't mind them, but it's easier to wear contacts at work. i actually like the way they look."

"they're cute," you agree, and you feel your heart thudding in your chest as san processes the compliment. he looks around your house then, and he distractedly puts an arm around you in another hug as he says, "your house is great, by the way. you've really made a life for yourself, y/n." he looks at you while he says the next part, "i hope you're proud of yourself."

"i am," you nod, suddenly very aware of how many people are here and possibly looking at you two. you feign a cough and san gets the hint. he pulls away and you immediately feel cold, but you catch a glimpse of jen eyeing you in the corner of the room. you shake off whatever was distracting you because of the man at your side, and you're about to excuse yourself to find violet when the woman in question appears below you.

"mr. choi!!!" she shouts as she jumps in place. "you're here!"

"i am!" he replies, holding hands and jumping with violet. "are you having fun?"

"yeah! cmere, i wanna show you my swings!" she says excitedly, and then san is being dragged outside. you follow at a safe distance, wanting to see how they interact without making it too obvious you're watching san and not your kid. some of the school kids present recognize a big kid in san and soon he's got a whole herd following him around. you laugh seeing him be so silly, so freely himself with these kids, and you wonder if this is what he's like as a teacher. then you find your mind wandering to what san would be like as a dad. you know he'd be great, so what are you doing?

you know you have to tell him. you see the way violet is smiling and laughing, and you can't keep this kind of joy from her anymore. you don't know when, and you don't know how, but you will tell san that he's the father of your daughter.

violet's birthday party was perfect. she had an amazing time, her friends had an amazing time, and you had an amazing time. with san. he fit back into your life perfectly, and as you were saying your goodbyes at the end of the night, you had the intense desire to kiss him. you didn't, but that's only because jen came over with a sleepy violet that she thrust into your arms. you and san were cooing over the tired party girl and jen inconspicuously snapped a picture of the three of you. you and san, looking down at violet with so much love in your eyes, and violet smiling her biggest smile. jen texted it to you later and you were grateful to have this moment captured forever.

you were staring at that photo now, waiting for violet to finish getting ready for school. you weren't really paying attention to the time, caught up in admiring san. you felt a sense of calm and safety when you thought of him, looked at him, and you're kicking yourself for keeping that same feeling from violet's life. you were so distracted by your thoughts that you didn't hear violet walk up, so you almost jumped out of your skin when she says, "whatcha doooin?" directly into your ear.

"oh baby you scared me," you gasp. she giggles and points to your phone.

"you were staring at mr. choi!"

"i was not," you roll your eyes, but she nods and goes, "yeah huh."

"i'm not getting into a yeah huh nuh uh fight with you right now," you say as you ruffle her hair. "you ready for school?" it's then that you give her a once over and screw your face up in confusion. "where's that shirt from? i don't remember buying you that."

"it was my gift from mr. choi, 'member?" violet says proudly as she shows it off.

"yeah, yeah, i guess i do," you reply. "you wanted to wear it to school?"

"so i can tell him thank you," she says simply, and you place a soft kiss on her forehead. your sweet girl.

"i'm sure he'll be happy to see it. c'mon, let's go."

san had an awful morning. none of the classes would listen to him, half of his equipment for this unit was broken or missing, and apparently he was getting evaluated this afternoon. nothing was wrong, it was just protocol, but why did he find out about it two hours before it was supposed to happen? he was stressed, unprepared, and wearing a t shirt that apparently has a hole in the armpit. one of the unruly classes so kindly pointed that out for him. so yeah, it's been a bad day. that's why he sat down at lunch with a huff, interrupting whatever jen and wooyoung had been talking about prior to his dramatic entrance.

"what's wrong with you?" wooyoung asks bluntly, and san scoffs.

"one of those days where i'm considering child abandonment."

"san!" jen gasps.

"i'm joking, chill out," he sighs. "i just. can today be over? i'd like it to be over. or can i get a redo? that might be better, considering i have an eval today i know i'm not gonna pass."

"if you go into it like that then duh you're gonna do bad," jen says. "but it hasn't even happened yet, so why be so negative?"

"whatever," san huffs again, poking at his food like it's the root of his bad day. "how has your day been."

"great, my kids are angels and i love my job," wooyoung jokes, so san kicks him under the table.

"your class was the first one to put me in a bad mood this morning."

"yeah, because i told them i accidentally killed our class pet."

"wooyoung!" jen gasps again.

"accidentally!"

"how'd you manage that?" san asks with the beginnings of a smile on his face. not that he was laughing over the death of a very tiny pet, no. but he did enjoy seeing wooyoung making mistakes. makes the world go round, he thinks.

"i forgot to take it home for the weekend and i came in this morning to bob the beta fish belly up," wooyoung explains. he raises his carton of strawberry milk in a toast, which san and jen play along with. "he didn't live long, i didn't like him, and the kids barely knew he was there. bob, may you rest in peace."

"this isn't making me feel better," san whines as they clink their drinks together.

"oh!" jen says happily, "i have something!" she shuffles around looking for her phone, and excitedly pulls something up for san to see. she shoves the screen so close to his face he can barely see anything, so he takes her phone and blinks to let his eyes adjust. he smiles immediately when he realizes it's the picture of him, you, and violet. he's so mesmerized by your beauty, all these years later, that it takes him a minute to shift his focus to the equally beautiful violet squeezed between you. she's perfect, san thinks. if he had a kid, he'd want her to be just like violet: kind, funny, full of energy and life.

"who is that?" wooyoung asks, pushing his face close to san's to catch a glimpse. "ooo, is that your milf?"

it's jen's turn to kick him underneath the table, but san must admit, that was a little funny. he doesn't answer right away, though. something about the picture has caught his attention.

"no," jen says sternly since san has gone mute. "that's my friend y/n and her kid violet, we've talked about them before. san came to her birthday party this weekend."

"the milf?!"

"no!" jen repeats. "violet. i helped y/n with the party, and since she and san go way back, i kinda invited san without her knowing."

"nice," wooyoung nods. "good. get him into the house, and then into her heart. maybe the pants too-"

"dude," san finally cuts in. "what's wrong with you?"

"you two are boring me," he sighs. "sue me if i wanted to have a little fun with our conversation."

"you took this?" san asks jen, ignoring wooyoung now. she says yes, so he asks, "can i send it to myself? do you think y/n would mind?"

"no, i think that's fine," jen replies with a smile. "go ahead."

"thanks," san mumbles, typing his number in quickly to send the photo. he doesn't want to seem weird, sitting here staring at it, but there's still something he can't quite put his finger on. something familiar about it. not quite deja vu, but like he's seen this before. he hands jen's phone back to her, and she continues some inane argument with wooyoung as san checks his phone. huh, he thinks, taking one last look at the photo as he saves it to his library. violet sure has a nice smile.

san's day does not get better. the evaluation was mediocre at best, but the assistant principal doing the visit pulled him aside and promised better equipment in the new year. at least one good thing came out of this awful day.

well, two good things. san keeps opening his phone just to stare at that picture of himself with you and violet. his desire to patch things up with you only continues to grow, and he's been thinking about you so much that he swears he hears your voice calling his name at the end of the day. then a squeakier, tinier voice joins in, and san realizes, oh shit, you and violet are in his office.

"hey, sorry," he shakes his head to clear his thoughts. "god, sorry. how long were you standing there?"

"not long," you assure him. "i hope we're not bothering you?"

"not at all," he says as he stands. violet runs up to him then, turning from side to side with her hands clasped in front of her. san laughs, looking from her to you as he asks, "what's going on?"

"vi had a surprise for you, and she forgot she didn't have pe today so she got into the car crying because you didn't get to see it," you explain. "we turned around as soon as i got the story, and now we're here. do you recognize her shirt at all?"

"oh my god!" san smiles, violet joining in. san bends down to pick her up and swings her around to the sound of giggles. "you're wearing my present! do you like it?"

"i do!" she chirps, hiccuping a little as the giggles continue. san slows and carefully places her back down as she says, "thank you for coming to my party."

"thank you for inviting me," san replies, and you realize he's talking to you. you consider telling him now, you can feel his gaze pulling the words right out of you, but you chicken out.

"thank jen," you remind him. "she's the one who ambushed me."

"ambush?" san laughs nervously. "i hope me coming over wasn't an ambush."

"i shouldn't have said that," you shake your head. "i just." you take a deep breath. "it's been hard, you know, seeing you again. getting used to you being back in my life."

"happy to be here," san says coolly, and you pick up on the undertones. you knew he must have been upset with you, only wanting him when you couldn't have him. he'd given you so many chances to be his, but you grasped the last one. san was mad at himself first, and he's not mad at you per se, but the memory of that still hurts. he could have been in your life, violet's life, this whole time. it was you who kept the door bolted shut. now it's like there's little cracks filtering in bits of sunlight, and you're basking in them. you're just afraid that the warmth you feel from san now will burn you someday, that your past will be too hard to get over, and you can't tell him about violet until you know how he really feels.

"listen, we should go, but i want to hang out with you soon," you tell him, and san looks at you confused. "we need to catch up, don't you think?"

"sure," san agrees. "let me know where to be and when, i'll make it work."

that friday night, you have a babysitter (jen) and plans to meet san for dinner. jen is already here, you can hear her and violet whispering about something in the living room as you finish getting ready. this is not a date, but you're so nervous it might as well be. you could end up telling san tonight, if things go right. and if they go wrong...that's what's making you so nervous. the anxious side of you is already thinking of schools you can move violet to if the night goes bad, and the optimist is thinking about san finally being a dad to violet.

it's like he knew you were thinking about him, because his caller id lights up your phone (yes, his contact photo is that picture).

"you're cancelling," you say as soon as you pick up.

"what? no, freak," san chuckles. "i'm outside, but i'm sorry, i can't remember if your house has the red door or the blue one."

"you're what?" you ask, walking from your room to the front door. jen and violet watch on in curiosity, and you let out a sound of disbelief when you open the door to see san, standing by his car, looking from your house to the one next door.

"oh. found it," he teases, hanging up as he comes to the door. "you're not ready yet?"

"no, because i thought we were meeting there, i had more time," you say as you check your phone and notice you actually did not have time. "ok, i thought i had more time, but still. you didn't say you were picking me up."

"surprise?" san says sheepishly, peeking inside to wave to the girls.

"hi mr. choi!" they respond in unison, and san chuckles again.

"um, well, i wasn't expecting- i still have to-" you stammer out, basically turning in circles before staring back up at san. "give me two minutes."

"two? it'll be more like ten," san calls after you. you sort of sprint back to your room, checking that you look put together. your eyes look nervous, though. you hope san can't pick up on that. you grab your favorite necklace, one that violet picked out for you recently, and hold onto the heart pendant as you take a deep breath. you can do this. it's just san, your old pal! your friend! the father of your daughter who has no idea his life could have been completely different or that it's going to change with the information you're about to give him! great! let's go eat some tacos!

you and san both give violet hugs goodbye (she insisted) and jen says goodbye with a wiggle of her eyebrows. she thinks this is a date, and she spent an appropriate amount of time hyping you up tonight. she's known san more recently, so she gave you good insight on the whole telling him situation. she assured you that, while he may be frustrated by you not telling him sooner, under it all he'll be happy. he's wanted a family of his own since he started working at the school, so she's sure he'll be nothing but thrilled once the initial shock wears off. boy do you hope she's right.

san is being such a gentleman. first picking you up, then rushing out of the car to open your door for you, pulling your chair out at the restaurant...it's making this feel like a date. it's also making you scared that you're going to chicken out, but you can't.

"so," san says with a :] smile. "what did you want to talk about?" you take a moment to mess with the chips and salsa in front of you before you respond. you're taking so long that san takes a deep breath and starts, "i hope you know i'm not mad at you."

"what?" you ask in a small voice, chip halfway to your mouth.

"i'm not mad at you," san goes on. "i never was. i hope you know that."

"but i was a dick," you tell him, and he lowers his head with a laugh. you want him to listen to you though, so you grab his hand laid out on the table and squeeze. "no, seriously, that was such an asshole move on my part. only letting down my walls and letting you in the night before we both moved away? i've never forgiven myself for that."

"but you should," san shrugs. "i understand. i'm glad it happened. if i had to choose, i'd rather it happen the exact same way than not happen at all."

"right," and now it's your turn to look down. you let go of san's hand and go back to messing with the food in front of you. "i'm still sorry for how i acted."

"it's ok, i promise," san assures you. you aren't looking at him so he clears his throat and says, "actually, while we're talking about...back then. i have something to tell you too." oh no, you think. you nod to encourage him to continue, not sure you can speak right now. "um, well, here goes. i know it's been years, and we've barely talked since school, but..i don't know, y/n. i still think you're the one for me, and i was just wondering, maybe, since we're both in the same town again, and we see each other so often..."

"what, san?" you whisper, afraid of what he's going to say.

"will you go out with me?" he asks. "finally?"

"san," you sigh, and he shakes his head.

"no, don't say no yet. you can think about it. i know you have a lot more to consider than i do, so i don't mind waiting. but i wanted to put it out there. in case, uh, in case you were interested."

"put it out there? why are you talking about this like a couch you're trying to get rid of?" you tease him to ease the tension. "you just asked me out and now you sound like you're not sure."

"i'm sure," san says firmly. "very sure. but i don't want you to feel pressured."

"you've never made me feel anything but loved, san," you let slip, and you want to etch the look on his face into your memory forever. he looks so pleased, so purely happy at your words. they're hanging in the air as the waiter comes by to take your order, and that provides enough of a distraction that you both go back to a semblance of normalcy when he leaves. you fall into an easy conversation, catching up over your lost years. san tells you all about work, his family, his friends. it makes you happy that you chose this town, this school, to raise your kid in.

you fill san in too, but only the highlights. you don't want to ruin your dinner with the news, so you tell him about your career since he knows the least about that. he can't stop telling you how proud he is, and reiterates how amazing you are for raising a kid on top of it. you've got a steady blush on your cheeks as you keep chatting, and you notice then that the meal is over. your plates have been cleared for a while, and san paid without you knowing. how'd he do that?

"i was going to pay for my food," you protest.

"nope, my treat," san says. "let someone else take care of you for once."

"well thanks," you squeak out. "i've got you next time though."

"if there's a next time, i'm still paying," san replies so you roll your eyes and drop it for now. "um, before we go though, i was wondering...can i ask about violet? i feel like you barely mentioned her."

"oh, sorry," you laugh it off. "i don't get a chance to talk about myself a lot, so i'm not saying i forgot to mention vi, i just..."

"i get it," san nods in understanding. "you wanted to brag about yourself for a minute, that's ok. i'm glad you did."

"good," you smile shyly. "but, yeah, violet. what about her?"

"i wanna hear as much as you're willing to tell me," san says, and looking into your eyes, you know he means the father. "was there some great love of your life you don't want to tell me about?"

"san, it's not like that," you tell him, then think to yourself that in a way it is true. you think san is the love of your life, but you can't say that yet. "right, well, i have something to tell you, actually," you say in a voice stronger than you expected. you thought you'd be nervous, but it's like some mom power kicks in and you're able to stare directly into san's strong, gorgeous eyes as you speak. "can i?" you motion to his hands, and he holds them out so you can place your smaller ones in his. still looking into the eyes you've grown to love, you take a deep breath and say, "i'm sorry i didn't tell you sooner. but san, you're violet's dad. she's your daughter."

"what?" he asks in a shaky voice.

"when we.." you try to explain, and have to start over, "that night. five years ago-"

"six," san corrects.

"six, you're right. that night was when she...yeah. i found out about violet a month later, after i had moved. i tried calling you. i did, i swear, and i know that sounds so childish but it's the truth. i tried calling you, tried figuring out how to tell you...but i heard how happy you were, how easy it was for you to settle into your life back at home. i didn't want to throw something unexpected at you and change all of that."

you rambled, and you're not sure how easy that was to follow. or how believable it was either, but you've said it. you're watching san take it in, and he's unnervingly calm. you can't read his face at all, but you realize you've been squeezing his hands and he's squeezing yours right back. you relax your grip then, but he doesn't. he stays quiet.

"san, say something."

"th-thank you," he stutters, finally slipping his hands out of yours. "thanks for protecting me from that, i guess."

"san, i-"

"no, y/n, it's fine," he shakes his head and stands. "come on, let's go. it's getting late."

the car ride is silent. san says nothing, but you can feel the emotions radiating from him. or maybe those are your own? fear, resentment, sadness...you always thought telling san the truth would make everything better. make you feel at peace at last. but currently you feel more ill at ease than you ever have. you want to crawl out of your skin, you want to scream at yourself, at san, just to get some kind of reaction out of him.

when he pulls into your driveway, he puts the car in park but doesn't unlock the door. you can tell he wants to say something, so you wait. you think you see jen peeking through the blinds, but you're not sure. a quick glance at the clock tells you violet's been in bed for a while, but knowing jen she probably let her stay up a little longer. you hope she's still awake when you go in, you could really use a hug from her right now.

"y/n," san calls your name softly. you turn your body completely so he can see you fully, and you see he's gripping the steering wheel so hard his knuckles are white. "does she know?"

"huh?"

"violet," san says her name so carefully, so purposefully. like it's taken on a new meaning. "does violet now i'm her dad?"

"n-no," you stutter, and san slumps his head down. "but i told her about you. about her dad."

"she looks just like me," he says, and that's when you notice the sadness in his voice. he sounds broken, and it feels like your heart rips itself to shreds.

"san, i am so sor-"

"don't. just don't." you watch him carefully, and you think you see tears. "i can't..."

"can't what?" you want to reach out and touch him, to brush the tears away, but you hesitate.

"i can't believe you kept this from me," he says in a whisper so small you barely heard it.

"i was young and stupid and scared, san," you defend yourself. "i didn't know what i was doing, i should have tried harder to get in touch but-"

"i didn't get to be there y/n," he spits out, and you stop talking as he turns to you. "i missed her birth, her first steps, her first words. i wasn't in her life! she's my kid and you kept her from me for some of the most important years of her life."

"i know, and i'm..i'm sorry."

"sorry doesn't cut it." he's full on crying now. "i thought...i thought you cared about me. about what we meant to each other. how could you do this?"

"i was wrong to keep you away," you admit. "it ate me alive every day, but the longer i waited the harder it was to call you. and this is totally self inflicted but raising a kid on my own was hard! after i made that choice i barely had time to think about anything else!" you're shouting now, not out of anger, but frustration. "it was selfish, and i'm sorry. but i told you. you've always been part of violet's life. i tell her about her dad all the time. she asks about you, and i've never lied to her. i only kept your name, who you are to me, a secret."

"yeah that makes me feel so much better," san rolls his eyes, and you scoff before reaching over him to unlock the doors. as soon as you do, you're out of the car and rushing to your front door, san running behind you calling your name.

you get into the house and see jen moving around in the kitchen, but no signs of violet. san has stopped behind you, standing awkwardly at the threshold, so you grab his shirt and pull him along with you into violet's room. at the sound of the door opening she bolts up in bed. she looks confused, seeing two figures in her doorway, but when she recognizes you she makes little grabby hands for you to join her. again, san stays at the door, watching the two of you with a new perspective.

"cmere sugar," you whisper softly, sitting on violet's bed. you maneuver her so she's sitting on your lap.

"why is mr. choi here?" she asks, and you hear san take in a breath.

"his name is san, violet. and he's very important to me," you explain. violet is facing san as you ask, "can you tell us all you know about your daddy?" she nods, and then begins.

"mommy says he's very nice, the nicest man in the world!" violet starts out. "she says he's smart and strong and funny and handsome. she says i have his smile!" and with this she smiles, teeth and all, and san sees himself in her. it brings tears to his eyes, but she keeps going. "mommy says he's caring, and i had to ask what that meant. she says being caring means you're a good friend and you're nice to everybody. that reminds me of you, mr. san!"

"anything else baby?" you ask violet, stroking her hair. "what else do we say about daddy?"

"we love him very much," violet answers proudly. "and even if he's not with us, like in the same house or something, he's always right here!" and with that she puts her hand over her heart. she looks up at you then, asking, "did i miss anything mommy?"

"nope, you got it all sugar," and you kiss the top of her head, afraid to meet san's eyes. "thank you, violet. are you ready to go back to bed now?"

"yeah, but i want a bedtime story," she pouts, and you wonder if san notices how similar they look then too. "babysitter jen does too many funny voices, and one of them scared me."

"ok, i'll read you a story," you whisper, slowly and carefully dumping her back into bed as you stand. "but i need to talk to san really quick, is that ok?"

"uh huh," violet nods with a yawn, cuddling back up to her favorite stuffie. as san looks around her room, he notices a pillow he used to have, tucked in the corner of violet's bed. he used to call it shiber, it was something silly, but he loved that thing in college. it went missing the week before school ended, and san always wondered where it went. well, now he knows.

you carefully pull violet's door shut as the two of you back out into the hallway. the rest of the house is quiet, so you wonder briefly if jen has gone home. you look to san, ready to defend yourself further, get him to understand where you're coming from, but then you see the tears on his cheeks. now you do reach up and wipe them away, his hands covering yours and squeezing tightly.

"i am so sorry for keeping you away," you say one last time. "it was wrong. it will take time, but i will do everything i can to make that up to you."

"you can do it right now," san breathes out, the first easy breath he's taken since this conversation started. "let me be in her life. in yours. i missed so much, i can't miss anymore of it."

"we're here if you want us," you tell him, and san squeezes your hands again before pulling them from his face. he drapes your arms over his shoulders, his drifting to your waist.

"i do," he nods eagerly. "i want you." and with that, he kisses you. it's not a soft kiss, no. there's more force behind it than that. there's six years (maybe more) of repressed feelings in that kiss. it's the kind of kiss that makes you want to pop your foot up, the kind that sends butterflies soaring up from your stomach through your chest. you're so lost in the feeling that you don't hear violet's door open, and then...

"oh! mommy! mr. san is biting you!" violet shrieks, so you and san finally detach. you keep your foreheads together as you look down at violet staring disapprovingly at you.

"he's not biting me, we were kissing," you explain to her, but she doesn't like that answer.

"hey, i got in trouble for kissing a boy on the playground," she whines, and san looks at you in shock. you nod to confirm as you tell her, "that's because you shouldn't kiss at school. and you're too young. you can kiss when you're-"

"thirty," san finishes for you, making you both laugh as violet whines more.

"i was just gonna say when she's older," you whisper to him, and he shrugs.

"had to assert my parenting style somehow."

"why are you and mr. san whispering?" violet asks with a jump and her arms in the air. you're about to pick her up when san bends down and scoops her instead, so you can talk to her eye level.

"we're talking about you," you say as you boop her nose. "and stop calling him mr. san."

"what do i call him then?" she pouts, and you share your first silent parent language stare with san.

"actually baby, we have something we need to tell you..."

845 notes · View notes

augiewrites · 3 months

Text

"unknown / nth" - richie jerimovich

summary: y/n reflects on their relationship with richie (inspired by hozier's unknown / nth)

pairing: richie jerimovich x reader

word count: 1.4k

warnings: angst, a lot of hurt with no comfort, reader and richie are toxic :(

a/n: i've been staring at this draft for so long idk how to feel

The question kept ringing in Y/N’s head for days to come.

What are we? I mean, we’re friends, right?

Y/N didn’t know if they could be friends with Richie. He had been breaking their heart for as long as they could remember.

1995

The flashing lights and thumping bass was giving Y/N a headache. They never thought they would hate senior prom so much.

It wouldn’t be so bad—Y/N thought, bringing a cup of spiked punch to their lips—if Richie hadn’t run off to god knows where with Mikey.

Richie wasn’t a bad boyfriend, per se, but their relationship wasn’t always conventional. Hell, they didn’t have a label until nearly a year into their relationship, when some jock hit on Y/N right in front of Richie. He started a fight with the boy—one he wouldn’t have won if Mikey wasn’t there—but he made one thing clear: Y/N belonged to Richie, and Richie belonged to Y/N.

A small smile made its way to Y/N’s face at the memory, but fell quickly when they remembered their current situation. It had been thirty minutes, and there was no sign of their date.

With a huff, Y/N shoved their unfinished cup into Fak’s hand—Y/N didn’t care to know how he snuck in to the function—and headed for the gymnasium doors.

If Richie was going to run off into school with Mikey, then Y/N would run off altogether.

They made it halfway across the parking lot before rapid footsteps approached and they heard a yell of, “hey! Where are you going?”

Y/N halted against their better judgment, letting Richie catch up to them.

“What’s up? Where are you going?” Richie’s hand found Y/N’s waist as he tried to catch his breath.

Y/N was disappointed, but not surprised. Richie had a track record of fucking up without realization—it was just something they had to accept when they got involved with the boy.

Y/N continued walking, letting Richie’s hand drop. “I’m going home, Rich.” Richie scoffed and started following once he realized his partner was serious.

“What do you mean you’re going home? I thought we were having a good time?”

“If we means you and Mike, then yeah. I’m sure you were having a good time.” It was uncharacteristically cold for May, and Y/N shuddered as they rubbed their bare arms.

Richie draped his tux jacket over their shoulders without skipping a beat. “C’mon, we just had some business that needed taken care of.”

“Well what about me? Don’t I deserve to be taken care of?” Y/N couldn’t even look at him as they continued, “I swear, you should just leave me and marry Mikey. You’d probably be a lot happier.”

“Hey,” desperation seeped into Richie’s tone as he lightly gripped Y/N’s arm, bringing the two of them to a halt. “I’m here now, why don’t we just take two on this shit and try having a good time? Together.”

Y/N finally met Richie’s eyes, “We’ll have a good time, but for how long? Huh? How long before you ditch me again? You always do this, and I always just go along with it.”

“I don’t always ditch you.”

“Oh really? What about homecoming? The holiday party? Last weekend at Little Greg’s? I can go on.”

Richie guffawed, flailing his arms out.

Y/N continued forward, “I’m going home. I don’t know why I expected anything else from tonight.”

“Y/N—wait,” he caught up to them again, “at least let me take you home. You’re not walking alone this late.”

They ignored him and kept going.

“You either get in the car or I’m walking right behind you the whole way there.”

Y/N walked the whole way home, only acknowledging his presence to hand him his jacket before closing the door firmly in his face.

They were back together by Monday.

1998

Three years. It was the longest Y/N and Richie had ever gone without breaking up.

Y/N had taken a gap year after graduation before making the decision to attend a university in Nowhere, Pennsylvania. The couple had gotten pretty good at the long distance thing—call schedules, risque polaroids crammed into letters, Y/N spending all breaks and long weekends in Chicago, and Richie coming to them when he could pawn his weekend shifts onto someone else.

It worked at first, but the relationship was strained once Y/N finally began to settle into their new life. Their classes got more demanding, trips home were more infrequent, and they were down to one biweekly call if they were lucky.

Y/N should have seen it coming, but Richie should have had better timing.

Y/N was on a plane to Chicago two hours after their last final was handed in, and the pair was nearly inseparable for the two weeks leading up to Christmas. Everything seemed fine—perfect, even—and Y/N was so happy to finally have their man right there, in the flesh.

Against their better judgment, Y/N found themself at the Berzatto Christmas dinner. It was loud and multiple fights had broken out throughout the evening, but Y/N had gotten through dinner relatively unscathed.

That was, until Richie pulled them into an empty room.

“I think we should break up.”

The melody of loud conversations and playful scuffles throughout the house fell deaf on Y/N’s ears as they felt the walls close in on them.

“Wh-what?”

“I just think we need some time apart, is all.”

“Time apart? Practically all of our time is apart.”

“Yeah, I mean…” Richie trailed off, rubbing the back of his neck and looking everywhere but at Y/N. “I guess that’s part of the problem.”

Y/N didn’t want to cry. Not here, not now, not when they’d have to push through a crowd of the most overbearing people on the planet to make an exit. They cursed the hot tears flowing freely down their cheeks.

“It’s not just on me to come here to you, you know. You never come visit me at school.”

“C’mon, Y/N, you know I work.”

“And I don’t? I’m constantly putting my life—my livelihood—on hold just so you’re not lonely for a weekend.”

“Look, I’m not trying to fight about this,” Y/N scoffed at Richie’s words, but he continued, “having you here has just been a reminder of how much I hate this long distance shit. It ain’t fair to me.”

“It’s not fair to you? You think it doesn’t kill me to not be able to be here with you?” Y/N hated how pathetic their cracking voice made them sound.

Richie’s eyes finally locked onto Y/N’s.

“Well, you were the one that chose to leave.”

Richie’s words sunk their teeth into Y/N’s heart, and they could feel a chunk being ripped out as they turned to leave the room without another word.

They were barely aware of their surroundings as they made their way through the house to the front door. Blood was pumping so loudly in their ears that they didn’t hear Sugar asking if they were okay or the harmony of Carmy and Mike assaulting Richie with varying versions of “what the hell did you do?”

Y/N grabbed their coat, but didn’t take the time to put it on before moving swiftly out the door and into the cold, letting its finite slam ricochet through the empty street.

Present

Y/N spent a lot of time thinking about all the things they wanted to say to Richie at that moment. They wanted to tell him about how the distance never made a difference to them—that they were just happy to know he was out there and they would be back home full time in just a few years. That they loved Richie—even being all too familiar with his bad side. That they couldn’t imagine a future without him.

Richie was a chapter of their life Y/N was never able to fully close. Over the years following the breakup, Y/N would visit home and end up in Richie’s bed more times than they were proud of.

Y/N stopped coming home after Sugar broke the news that Richie and Tiff were engaged.

Even after all the years, Y/N could never find the courage to tell Richie how they truly felt about him. Even now, they could break beneath the weight of the goodness they still held for him.

It was like a cruel joke that their lives were aligning again. Y/N had to fight the hope blossoming in their chest—it never did them much good with Richie, anyway.

~~~

feedback is appreciated!

#richie jerimovich x you #richie jerimovich x reader #richie jerimovich #richie the bear #the bear fanfiction #the bear x reader #the bear fic #the bear fx #the bear hulu #the bear

47 notes · View notes

didididraws · 2 months

Text

my tablet is currently halfway across the country for repairs (my brother's the most tech-savvy in my family and asking him to take a look at it was cheaper than taking it to a shop) so i haven't been able to draw lately. i've made a bunch of traditional sketches in the meantime, but none of them are presentable enough to post here, so i decided to take a trip down memory lane and fill out one of foxorian's influence maps!

below the cut are the names of the artists featured here, as well as a little bit of director's commentary on how they've influenced me :]

yugo limbo (website, tumblr, twitter) - some time last year, i realized something profoundly unnerving: i actually... don't like the art in smile for me's original release all that much? that's not to say it's bad, just that there isn't a whole lot about it outside of maybe its architecture that stands out to me. which is REALLY WEIRD, considering i wrote a whole retrospective about how much this game means to me. art-wise, however, it was only after smile for me's release that yugo limbo's art evolved in a way that really resonated with me; i love how textured everything is, i love the way they simplify clothing folds and the way that skin wrinkles around the joints, i love their love for puppets; all of those things ended up worming their way into my art style and tastes one way or another, and i couldn't be happier!! it didn't feel right to leave smile for me out of the equation entirely, though, so i chose a piece that was both related to that game and that i felt reflected a lot of what i love about yugo's more recent art.

echobsilly (twitter, tumblr) - oh god, speaking of yugo limbo - god. i fucking love echo's art so much i have no idea how to even do it justice in writing. like many people i first found him through his smile for me/limbolane fanart and animations - and those are some of his best work, don't get me wrong, but i really wanted to include one of his original designs to make a point that he's just fuckin great at art in general. character design, facial expressions, body language, composition, LIGHTING... he makes it all just. so so so gorgeous. i always liked "painterly" art styles for lack of a better word, but i think his art is what first pushed me to embrace that more in my digital art. i also like how he talks about dr. habit like he's his dead wife. i'm very proud to call him a friend these days :]

japhers (tumblr, twitter, instagram) - i first found japhers' art in high school and he very quickly became a HUUUUUGE influence on my taste in character and costume design. one of the big reasons i never fully bought into the idea that men's fashion is inherently harder to design is bc so much of his art is already dedicated to exploring fashion Without the restrictions of a gender binary in place which is to say that he's really good at drawing buff dudes in frilly outfits. i also think he gave me more confidence to draw more intricate costumes without having to worry about super dainty and clean lineart, bc a lot of his art looks like it's kinda been carved/rendered out of sketches, and it is Gorgeous.

moe suppe (website, tumblr, cohost) - another artist i found in high school, albeit originally from a long-gone instagram account. his art is what kickstarted my desire to have some Roughness in my art, some Texture. it may not have stuck to my lineart, but it Definitely stuck to my rendering. it helped that i was going through a pretty big angel/demon phase at the time, which meant i was pretty immediately drawn in by his delightfully weird worldbuilding. i should probably read fear not now that it's an actual serial...

val wise (website, itch.io, twitter, instagram) - a more recent influence, but a pretty significant one nonetheless. i featured the cover of délicatesse here because it was the first thing from him that i had ever read, but in general his grasp on the human body really blows me away given how deceptively simple his style looks at first glance, especially his faces. the way fat and hair sits on her bodies, and how much it varies from character to character... it's beautiful without being So glamorous that it feels untouchable. his costume design is also great. i recommend his comics for low fantasy/ursula k. le guin fans who are Dying to see more fat characters in leading roles. i also just found out that i am of two hearts is free on itch.io, so i'll be treating myself to that over spring break.

partycoffin (tumblr, twitter) - if you have known me for any amount of time at all then this should not come as a surprise to you. i actually wasn't going to include partycoffin in this map at first, because while welcome home has inspired me in Many creative pursuits, i didn't think visual art was one of them? i definitely picked up some of clown's love for dramatic lighting and thinner lines with just a smidge of well-placed hatching subconsciously, though.

ryoko kui - probably the most recent artist featured here? anyways i have a confession to make: i have yet to read dungeon meshi. i just know that when i saw a post compiling a bunch of ryoko kui's sketches from her daydream hour series, i was so overwhelmed with this feeling of, like… "oh, yeah, these capture almost everything i love about women as flesh and blood people. when i draw women this is the kind of beauty that i want people to see in them." of course, ryoko kui is a great character designer in general, but something about her women specifically really speak to me. the earthier color palettes and rendering also do a lot to endear her art to me.

shuzo oshimi - specifically his art in blood on the tracks. something that really stood out to me in that series was whenever the shadows would get really intense, and you'd get these big blocks of black with just the faintest bit of hatching to soften out some of their edges. it was always very effective in creating this sense of claustrophobia. i really want to keep incorporating that in my more intense pieces!

person918x (tumblr, instagram) - i don't work with 3d art often and i don't see myself doing so any time soon, but the composition of person918x's pieces is something i take a lot of inspiration of. i also love his sequential art, as someone who does a lot of dream journaling it's sick to see the exact Vibe of a dream be put to (digital) canvas. i also firmly believe that he's one of the only people out there who knows what he's doing when it comes to using generative AI in art.

oops i made this list too long so now i have to put the last two artists in a new block.

10. meatgiri (twitter, instagram) - definitely the artist i've known about the longest out of this selection. i think i've been following her since…. oh god. since i was in middle school. way before she was meatgiri, even. i think her influence probably shows up the least in my art, but there are definitely some characteristics that stuck with me for a very long time (the lil block of black accompanied by one or two lines for shading on the neck, the looser lineart making it really easy to incorporate soft curves and sharp edges, the Eyes, etc etc.) i chose this drawing of her oc juniper bc i thought it was both reflective of her current art And a good embodiment of a lot of things i wanted to emulate from her art as a young'un.

11. dragan bibin (website, instagram) - specifically his 'deimos' series. much like with person918x, it's his compositions that really stand out to me the most, and you probably know by now that i'm a sucker for high contrast. i find it interesting though that he uses high contrast to obscure more than he does to highlight... helps a lot with giving the deimos paintings that air of Quiet Unease. another thing i want to incorporate in my horror-adjacent art! manmade environments gone wrong!

#not art #influence map #artists on tumblr #yugo limbo #echobsilly #japhers #moe suppe #val wise #partycoffin #ryoko kui #shuzo oshimi #person918x #meatgiri #dragan bibin

20 notes · View notes

x-ceirios-x · 3 months

Text

at least i'm trying

rowan has never had things easy and their relationships with others strain and ease over the years because of it.

warnings: cursing, more warnings below the heading for each part where needed

I've been having a hard time adjusting I had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting I didn't know if you'd care if I came back I have a lot of regrets about that

2004

They still weren’t used to the winter chill of Brooklyn. Idris got cold, but the city felt so…impersonal. It was cold in two ways.

The one place they expected a little warmth was at the Institute, but even that had been a storm lately. That impersonality of the city they hated only forced itself into their life further when their father showed up for a few days. He brought a gift from their Aunt Jia and Uncle Patrick since they didn’t see them for their birthday, but brought nothing of his own. He swore he was going to go out shopping later that week for something. Like they cared about his empty promises.

They stayed up late in the library to read for a few hours and made the mistake of stopping in the kitchen to get a snack before bed. Before they walked in, they heard voices on the other side of the wall—Maryse, Robert, and their dad.

Not wanting to interrupt, they pressed their back to the wall and listened for a moment. Mom always said their curious nature was going to get them in trouble as a kid, but they had no idea how much.

“They wouldn’t want to go, Aric,” Maryse said, voice almost pleading with him. “They’ve been here for four years. This is their home.”

Their dad sighed, clearly frustrated. “Their home is in Alicante. I appreciate everything you’ve done for the kids, I really do. There are plenty of kids their age there, and they can come visit when they want to. They deserve to go back to the city.”

Robert spoke up. “You haven’t seen them with the kids. Alice was a mess the first year she was here, but I’ve never seen her happier than when she’s with Alec. If you take that away, you’re just going to lose them again.”

They stared at the opposite wall for a long moment as they continued. Every word went in one ear and out the other. He wanted to take them back to Idris? They couldn’t live with the Lightwoods anymore? That wasn’t fair! Alec and Izzy and Jace were family and they weren’t going to just up and leave like that!

They turned the corner into the kitchen and stared their father down. “I’m not going,” they said, tone flat and full of barely-contained anger. “You can’t make me.”

“Alice—“ Aric started. They watched Maryse give him a look that they’d seen her give to Robert and Alec both many times—this is your mess to clean up. It almost made them smile. “It’s time to come home.”

“This is my home!” they argued, unable to hold themselves back now. “This is—you can’t take me!”

“I am your father—“

“You haven’t been my dad since mom died!”

All three adults stood there, shocked that they said that, so they used the opportunity to get away. They ran—really, they weren’t sure of where they were going, but they ran through the Institute and into the streetlight-lit city streets, out into the night where he couldn’t find them.

By the time they stopped running, they really didn’t know where they ended up. It was some dimly-lit alley somewhere with a ladder that led up to the roof of the shorter building. They climbed it with ease and sat on the concrete, pulling their knees up to their chest.

This wasn’t fair. None of it was fair. He couldn’t just take them like that—and he was wrong on top of that. Brooklyn was their home. They barely remembered Alicante, despite spending more than half their life there. Most of those memories, they assumed, were gone due to not wanting to remember good or bad things about their mom.

He hadn’t been around for years—they spoke to Auntie Élodie more than they spoke to him, and she was all the way over in France. He left them for four years and decided now they wanted to be a dad? They didn’t lie: the day they lost their mom, they also lost him.

They didn’t know how long they sat on that building, but the moment they heard someone on the ladder they jumped up and prepared to fight. They didn’t know who or what was there, but they didn’t want some mundane picking a fight with them or a vampire looking for a midnight snack.

It was only a few seconds later that they saw Jace pop over the edge of the building, clad in much warmer clothes than they had and witchlight in hand. “By the Angel,” he muttered as he walked over to them.

They didn’t speak at first, just hugged him. He was shocked for a moment, but let them anyway. He rested his arms around their shoulders, letting them steady their breathing as he could tell they were upset.

“You’re cold,” he said as they pulled away, taking off his jacket and handing it to them. “Here.”

“Then you’ll get cold.”

“Just take it.”

He smiled as he said it—at least someone wasn’t mad at them. They were concerned that everyone would have been upset because they ran away, but he found humor in their stubbornness. Slowly, they took the jacket from him and slid it on.

“What happened, Ace?” he asked. “Maryse woke me up and said you ran out. That’s all I got.”

They stood there for a moment, playing with the zippers at the end of the sleeves of his leather jacket. “Dad wants to take me back to Alicante. I told him I don’t wanna.”

They watched as he blinked a few times, trying to process what they just said. “You—he what? You can’t!”

“That’s what I said, but he’s pretty insistent. He tried to pull the dad card and I told him he hasn’t been my dad since Mom died, so…”

“Oh.”

They knew talking about tough parent relationships was hard with Jace considering both of his parents died a couple years ago. Really, they tried not to get into it with him very often, but he asked what happened. They felt like if he got up in the middle of the night to come find them, he deserved the truth.

After a beat, he changed the subject. “Everyone’s worried about you. We should get back.”

They took a step away from him. “I’m not going back if he’s going to take me back to Idris. I won’t leave—“

He could probably hear the tenseness in their voice because he immediately tried to diffuse their anxiety. He stepped close and grabbed their hands. “Hey, look at me—“ he said, holding their hands in one and tilting their chin up with the other. “He’s not taking you anywhere you don’t want to go. I’ll stick up for you, okay?”

They stared at him for a long moment. This was why they liked Jace so much—he was fiercely protective of anyone he cared about and willing to do anything for them. After a long moment, they nodded in agreement, and he hugged them again.

“If it were up to me, you wouldn’t be going anywhere,” he muttered before pulling away, a small smile on his face when he looked at them again. “Let’s get you home before Maryse really loses her mind.”

They chuckled and nodded. Stressing Maryse out wasn’t the goal to all of this, and he was right. She was probably full of anxiety waiting at home. Jace took his phone out and texted someone—probably Maryse to say they were safe—before putting his phone away. They made their way down the ladder and down the street, back to the Institute. The whole time they were pretty quiet, but after a minute or two, they had brushed hands enough times they just decided to hold his hand. In the streetlight, they swore they saw him blush a little. Maybe it was just from the cold.

They soon arrived back at the Institute and the moment they closed the door behind them, they heard footsteps coming down the hall. They were barely three feet in the door when they heard Maryse’s voice call them.

“Alice Ashfair!” she said, anger evident in her voice. “By the Angel’s name, what is wrong with you?”

They tried to hide in the door, but they knew there was no use. They hadn’t mastered any camouflage runes yet to disappear when she yelled at them for something stupid.

“I was worried sick! I had to wake Jace and Alec and Isabelle to go look for you, Jensen woke up from all the noise and Robert’s in with him trying to make sure he doesn’t know everything going on so he doesn’t worry—what were you thinking?”

They stood there, looking at the floor and awkwardly playing with the zippers on Jace’s jacket again. He was still there, standing next to them, but he knew better than to say anything to Maryse like this.

She took a deep breath and held her hand out for them, face suddenly much more relaxed now that she got all that anxiety out of her system. They took her hand and the next thing they knew, they were enveloped in a bone-crushing hug that they swore could have actually broken a bone if she squeezed them any tighter.

“Do not, and I repeat, do not—“ she said, pulling away enough to look at them— “run away from this Institute in the middle of the night again. Understood?”

They nodded and simply laid their head on her shoulder again. “Don’t let Dad take me back to Alicante,” they muttered, still thinking about the idea. They would have to start life over again and they didn’t want to leave the only people that treated them like family.

She shook her head and kissed the top of theirs quickly. “I won’t. You always have a home here.”

Pulled the car off the road to the lookout Could've followed my fears all the way down And maybe I don't quite know what to say But I'm here in your doorway

This is me trying

2005

There was a reason they started drinking coffee with dinner. When they slept, at least lately, they ended up having nightmares. They’d gotten worse in the last few years and they weren’t sure why, only that if they didn’t sleep, they couldn’t think about it like that.

Unfortunately, they realized about halfway through their cup of coffee that it was decaf and ended up falling asleep by 8PM. That left them awake in the middle of the night, usually, but tonight was a little different. Tonight they woke up from a dream—a dark one that left Jensen, Alec, and everyone else they cared about at the Institute ended up on some big mission and no one made it out alive.

The silence of the Institute scared them as they passed down the hallway, hands buried in their hoodie pocket. They got to Alec’s door, a few doors down, and squinted at it. All lights were off, but there was a bit of light coming in from the window. Was this really a good idea? They shouldn’t wake him—it was so late and they knew he had things to do in the morning for Maryse—

They were about to turn away and start walking back to bed when the door opened slightly. Alec, still half asleep and rubbing his eyes, poked his head out the door. He looked at them, realized who it was, and dropped the just-asleep act. “Oh. Hey, you’re not Mom.”

They chuckled. “Up late reading again?”

He nodded. “Nothing better to do. Borrowed one of Jensen’s books. Don’t tell him.” He studied their face for a moment, then asked, “something wrong?”

They sighed. “It’s…it’s stupid.”

“You think everything is stupid when you have to talk about your feelings.”

“How do you know it’s about my feelings?”

“If it wasn’t, you wouldn’t be here. Come on.”

He gestured for them to join him and they walked inside, slightly comforted by the click of the door behind them. They didn’t need to embarrass themselves in front of the rest of the Institute if someone else woke up. Silently, they took their usual place, sitting at the foot of his bed, and played with their hair to try to keep themselves calm.

“Talk to me,” he said with a sigh, sitting on the bed and leaning against the wall. “What’s wrong?”

“Had a stupid nightmare,” they said, voice muffled by their face buried in their hands. They took a deep breath and looked over at him. “It’s dumb. It’s so dumb, like I said, I just…”

“You just what?”

“I wanted to make sure you were okay. Cause you…weren’t.”

He nodded and held his arm out for them, a silent invitation to join him. When they did, they leaned against his shoulder and he loosely laid his arm around their shoulders. “You know that, Angel forbid something happens to me, I’m going out swinging, right?” he asks, mostly making a joke.

They roll their eyes, a small smile playing at the corner of their mouth. “Yeah, yeah. Just like we’ve all been taught.”

“Can I get the context of what it was so I can tell you exactly why I wouldn’t lose?”

“If you must know, it was a couple Raveners. And if you don’t knock off the arrogance, you’re gonna start to sound like Jace.”

He laughed at that, knowing full well they were right. “Alright, alright.” He took a beat and asked, “feel any better?”

They nodded, head still leaning against him. “Now I’m comfy, so you might just have to deal with me for the night. I’m stuck to you.” This wasn’t the first time they’d had a mini-sleepover and it certainly wouldn’t be the last. Despite the (incredibly awkward) comment they heard from one of the other Shadowhunters that visited about them being a cute couple, they’d always felt a sense of security from Alec that didn’t come from a place of romantic feelings. Sure, they might have a crush on Jace, but their dynamic with Alec was completely different than that. He was just someone they felt safe with. Their best friend.

Alec rolled his eyes and readjusted so they were each laying on their sides (and let them fall over onto the bed on purpose), so they stole his blankets from him. This sparked a mini wrestling match until he got enough blankets back to cover him and they both got comfortable.

“Thanks for letting me stay,” they muttered, smiling slightly awkwardly. “I…it’s weird. But I think knowing you’re here and you’re ok might help me sleep better.”

He shook his head. “Anytime you need me, I’m here,” he said softly. “I’m never going to turn my back on you. You know that.”

They nodded and closed their eyes, finally able to drift off in a soft sleep.

They told me all of my cages were mental So I got wasted like all my potential And my words shoot to kill when I'm mad I have a lot of regrets about that

2008

warnings: smoking, su/cide mention

Things got better, since Edom. After…certain incidents they didn’t like to talk about, they spent a few weeks with Magnus. Slowly but surely, they built their trust back with Alec and the rest of the group.

Clary, surprisingly, was the first one to reach out. They had the least amount of history, so that made sense. It was easier when there wasn’t a decade of time together, only a few months. She personally delivered their invite to Jocelyn and Luke’s wedding to them at Magnus’s apartment and (as long as he promised they could hide with him when needed) they agreed to go.

Alec came around next. They saw each other in very tense passing at Magnus’s and they felt bad that his involvement with them during and after their trial caused such a strain on their relationship, but they were happy they worked through it. Despite everything, they wanted him to be happy. They weren’t back to normal yet—did normal even exist anymore?—but they got coffee out and about sometimes. It was time away from the Institute that they could catch up. Once they moved back in, he made a point to do things like make sure they ate or didn’t have enough caffeine to kill them in one day.

They spent a few months in and out of the Institute infirmary, mostly keeping an eye on Jensen when he was sleeping. Sure, it was a little strange, but they didn’t want to face him awake. They had to know he was alive, though. He sustained a lot of injuries and was still going through some physical therapy to get him back to fighting condition. They didn’t believe he was ever going to go on missions after this, but every Shadowhunter had to be able to at least protect themselves. Izzy and Jace would have no problem working with him to train him again. They engaged in really brief small talk once in a while when he was awake, or in passing with others in the Institute, but they left as quickly as they could for Magnus’s. He gave them a key so they could get in when he was out with Alec or visiting the Rige siblings.

Next was Jace. Surprisingly, he was…apologetic. For many things that had gotten the both of them into the pettiest of fights, or the more serious ones. He mentioned, when they were ready, that he could use a sparring partner since Alec was out of the house all the time now—they understood that as him delivering an olive branch in the only way he knew how. Maybe things could go back to normal, like they were before Valentine and Johnathan, but maybe this time without thinking Clary was as annoying.

Out of their closest friends, that left…Isabelle. They’d never been close growing up. She wanted a girl to spend time with and do girly things like makeup and hair and talk about boys, and for a while they tried to indulge her. She wanted some company from someone that wasn’t her mother, and they understood that. The older they got, the less patience they had for things like that and it caused them to drift.

She was the one to find Max, she’d always had a sweet spot for Jensen—it made sense why she was one of the last ones to come around. No matter what they said under the Mortal Sword, that didn’t change their actions. They helped the man that killed her brother and tortured the closest thing she had to him thereafter.

Clary and Jace both tried to fix their relationship earlier on, but to them both, it felt like meddling and seemed to only force them apart further. They were civil, just never spent time together. If that’s how they had to live—just coexisting with her—they figured it wasn’t the worst outcome of all of this.

The days started getting shorter and the sun went down sooner—that meant it was dark at 4:30 and cold. Rowan headed up to the roof of the Institute for a little while, enjoying the fresh air and the stolen cigarettes stuffed into their pocket.

Everyone had their vices—at first, it started with only one or two, just to clear their head, but they were going through more than they wanted to admit recently. Not that anyone was aware of that fun fact. They weren’t sure who would get to them first to wring their neck for it: Maryse, Alec, or Magnus. It was a habit they picked up a few months after Edom when they found some cigarettes in a drawer at Magnus’s one day (they were buried while looking for a phone charger, he probably forgot he had them), and since then they would sneak into a gas station or drugstore to take a couple with an invisibility rune about once a week.

They weren’t expecting the door to the roof to swing open to reveal Isabelle, clearly frustrated, probably from having to climb the giant spiral staircase to get up there. It was isolated—that’s why they liked it so much. “There you are, mom says dinner’s ready—“ she paused for a second, staring at them for a moment. “What are you doing?”

They dropped the cigarette after a final last drag, then stomped it out with their boot. “Nothing. Let’s head inside.”

“No, I saw that. Are you smoking?”

“No, I’m not. Can we just go inside?”

She slammed the door behind her and stood in front of it, looking at them expectantly. “Not until you tell me exactly what’s going on. I thought you were sneaking off a lot lately, but I didn’t know why. This makes sense, though I don’t want to believe it.”

Rowan rolled their eyes, tucking the lighter back in their jacket pocket. “Believe what you will. You didn’t see anything, and that means you’re not going to tell Maryse or Alec.”

She scoffed. “Says who?”

Rowan paused. They knew full well how stubborn Isabelle was so once she had her mind set on it, they knew their cover was blown. Instead of arguing further, they turned away from her and took another drag of it. There was no point in arguing; they’d deal with the consequences later.

“By the Angel,” she said, walking over and taking it out of their hand. Without a second thought, she threw it over the banister and stared them down.

They glared. “What the hell, Izzy?”

“I’m not going to let you kill yourself with these things! You’re seventeen!”

“Well a few months ago, you wouldn’t have cared if I lived or died, so excuse me for not believing your concern.”

Isabelle’s mouth fell open slightly, trying to find the words for any kind of reaction. After a moment, she managed, “that’s not fair. You know I didn’t—“

“No, but you didn’t care to ask, did you? You really think I would willingly help the man who killed Max? Who tortured Jensen? I watched Magnus almost die and spent a month wondering if today was going to be the day Jensen gave out and quit fighting. My own brother is terrified to look at me. You think I wanted that?”

They stared, waiting for a reaction. Instead, she stood silent again. They scoffed and leaned against the railing. “I saw the way you looked at me. All of you. Before I was put under the mortal sword, you all thought I was better off dead, just like Johnathan.”

“That’s not true.”

“Isabelle, you haven’t spoken to me in months other than the necessary things because we live together. You refuse to look me in the eye. I am trying my best to survive all of this, but somethings it’s just not fucking worth it.”

“Rowan—“

“No, do you really want to know what’s going on lately? Why I started smoking?” they asked. “Because I felt like I needed something to feel fucking alive because I’m tired of having to stay at Magnus’s every time I get depressed. Did Alec tell you what happened a while ago?”

“What, no, what did he—“

“No one gave a shit about me anymore, so I took a walk down to the Brooklyn Bridge. I thought it was justified. I don’t have Simon anymore, I don’t have Jensen, my father’s dead, and everyone here was looking at me like I was a monster. Even Alec, which probably hurt the worst.”

By this point, they could feel the tears welling up in their eyes. Trying to keep themselves from crying mid-conversation, they took a breath and wiped them—Isabelle didn’t deserve to see them cry after all this. They couldn’t show weakness.

When they spoke again, it was calmer. Quieter. Much colder. They looked at her out of the corner of their eye and continued. “I stayed with Magnus for a few weeks because he saved my life that night. He decided being at the institute was hurting more than helping, and honestly, he’s right. Because I can see it in your face that you still hate me for what I did, no matter how I had to fight to prove that it wasn’t my fault. I was fifteen, Isabelle. I didn’t know any better and I wanted to save my brother. He’s all I have left.”

They didn’t even wait for her to say something, they just brushed past her and walked back inside. Down the stairs, through the hallway, another set of stairs and up the hall to their bedroom. They heard footsteps behind them, then Jace spoke. “Hey, Maryse says dinner’s ready,” he said, voice plain and—actually—cheerful. He had no idea the shitstorm that just happened on the roof, and their reaction wasn’t his fault.

Nevertheless, they were already upset. Instead of not acknowledging it or simply ignoring him, they shot poison. “Fuck off, Jace, I’m not hungry,” they said under their breath, just trying to get to their bedroom.

He paused for a second, then jogged to catch up with them. “What the hell?” he asked, then saw the look on their face and changed his tone quickly. “Are you okay?”

“By the Angel, leave me the hell alone!” They turned into their room and slammed the door in his face, trying to keep the tears from spilling over and losing everything. They scrambled, looking around their bedside table’s drawer and fumbling in their pockets with the other hand. They retrieved their phone from the drawer, having buried it earlier that day because they didn’t want anyone to talk to them for a few hours, opened it and dialed Magnus. They stuffed it between their shoulder and ear as it rang and pulled another cigarette out of their pocket, lighting it. Usually, they didn’t smoke in their room, but their usual hiding spot had been compromised.

“If you need something, you call, okay? No questions asked.”

He said that the last night they stayed there. Usually, they called for an afternoon away from the rest of the world, but this was a slightly bigger favor. They fought with the lighter and cupped their hand over the end of the cigarette as the phone rang, and finally got it lit when he answered.

“Peanut! How are you, dear?”

They didn’t bother with pleasantries, knowing they were on borrowed time until Maryse came storming in to yell at them. “Can I come stay at yours tonight?”

They could tell they took him off guard. “I—yes, of course. What’s wrong?”

“You said no questions.”

He sighed on the other end. “That I did. Are you physically okay? No bleeding out and needing me to heroically save you?”

They scoffed—it was annoying that he always found a way to make them laugh. “No, I’m fine. I’ll walk over. Thanks.”

“Alright. Be safe, please. I’ll set an extra place for you for dinner—the Rige twins are visiting, but you’re always welcome.”

They bit their tongue—there wasn’t anything to get mad about, it was just poor timing. With that, they said a very quick goodbye and started throwing things into a bag. They packed quickly and left—everyone was in the kitchen or scattered among the Institute, so they had a clear shot for the door. They texted Alec quickly, not wanting him to panic that suddenly they were nowhere to be found.

off to magnus’s place. ill talk to you in the morning

Lightwood

why what’s wrong

need some air.

They were barely five minutes out when they watched his phone number pop up on the screen. They sighed and answered sarcastically, “yes, dear?”

“What’s wrong? Jace said you yelled at him in the hallway for no reason.”

“It wasn’t his fault. Apologize for me.”

“What’s wrong, Rowan? You’re dodging the question.”

They rolled their eyes. “Look I—I don’t want to get into it. But it’s not your fault. I need some air, so just…let me go, okay? I’ll be back tomorrow.”

He sighed audibly over the phone. “Be safe, okay?”

They heard shuffling in the background and then heard Isabelle’s voice ring out, “is that Rowan?”

Alec replied with a yes, and they decided now was a good time to end the call. “I’m not dealing with her right now,” they grumbled. “I’ll talk to you in the morning. Night, Alec.”

He tried to dispute, but they hung up the phone and put it back in their pocket, not wanting to deal with the chaos that was no-doubtedly coming for them soon. Magnus’s would be a safe haven of sorts—or, if anything, a way to postpone the inevitable.

I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere Fell behind on my classmates, and I ended up here Pouring out my heart to a stranger But I didn't pour the whiskey

This is me trying At least I'm trying

2011

warnings: alcohol, underage drinking

For being so independent, Rowan certainly hated the fact they couldn’t sleep without Simon. Usually just hugging a pillow could help, but they’d wake up and he wasn’t there—it sent them into a panic. So they decided, while he was visiting family with Clary, they’d just stay up with some coffee and read like they used to. They’d slowed down on the caffeine once he came home from the Academy, though there was no way to completely cut it out of their system (despite his efforts).

They made their way down to the kitchen to get a mug and begin making the coffee when the outside door opened. There was a small door that led to the yard outside connected to the kitchen, right next to the cellar doors that led to the creepy basement no one liked to go in alone.

Except, maybe Jensen. Why was Jensen outside so late?

He came in the door and froze when he realized they were looking at him. He summoned his composure again, though, and closed the door behind him.

He looked…tired. And a little unsteady on his feet. They noticed the shadows under his eyes, but also noticed how sunken his cheeks looked and how thin his arms were. Things were getting bad again—he never completely bounced back from the things that happened three years prior, but he had silent tells that let them know they needed to check on him more.

They’d been so obsessed with this latest case, they hadn’t noticed. Stupid, stupid idea for picking something up so close to the time everything happened. Or, at least, the anniversary of it all.

“You alright, kiddo?” they asked, studying his face. He looked like he was staring past them, zoned out and not exactly paying attention. They noticed something in his hand, half hidden behind his back. He watched them as the realization dawned on their face, eyes falling to the floor.

He knew he was caught so offered the bottle forward. They took it and stared for a moment, noting it was some of the wine they kept in the cellar for the rare dinner party the Institute had to host.

“What is this?” they asked expectantly. “Are you drunk?”

“No, everything’s just a little fuzzy.” he said, eyes trained on the pattern in the floor tile.

They didn’t know what to do with this. Why the hell was their sixteen year old brother raiding the wine cellar in the middle of the night? They knew full well why, but why was he calling that a coping mechanism? Was that why he was constantly complaining about headaches lately? They were worried he was developing their migraines, but he’s just been hungover?

They were about to ask, but he spoke up. “Don’t yell at me,” he muttered, voice cracking like he was about to cry.

They gasped quietly and shook their head. “No. No yelling,” they said softly, holding their hand out for him. Slowly, he took it, and let them pull him into a hug. They squeezed him tight, leaning their head against his.

He melted. Rowan was pretty sure he wouldn’t have stayed upright for a moment if they weren’t holding him. It was obvious he was trying not to cry so they ran their hand through his hair while he steadied himself like they did when they were kids. They’d crawl into his bed when he had a nightmare and soothe him, even at eight years old. They’d always been so protective of him. The guilt that they couldn’t protect him from something—someone—ate at them every day.

After a long moment, he sat up and they pulled away, still lingering close. They walked over to the small table and gestured for him to sit. Wordlessly, they got two glasses and poured whatever was left in the bottle split between the two of them. They could be responsible tomorrow.

They sat down next to him and silently took a sip of their drink. “You don’t even drink the good shit?” they asked, humor heavy in their tone to try to lighten the mood.

He scoffed. That was good—if anything, it was a little laughter. “I thought if I got into anything too good, Maryse might yell at me.”

“She’d yell at you either way.”

Jensen got quiet and leaned his head on his hand. They gave him the chance to talk, wanting to let him have the option and not feel forced. They knew when someone asked them what was wrong, they were more likely to lie if they pushed it too far.

It was quiet, the only sound around them the muffled city noises and the occasional thud of their glasses hitting the table again. Eventually, he spoke up. “It feels…better,” he said, eyes trained ahead rather than looking at them. “It’s…it’s like if I drink some, I don’t have to think as much. More I have, the less I have to worry about the things around me.”

They nodded in acknowledgment—the scary part was, they understood his logic. That’s exactly why they started smoking a few years back.

“I’m going to sound corny, and you’re going to hate me for it,” they said, only partially teasing. They turned to face him a little more, one hand over his. “This…this isn’t a good way of going about it. I…” they hesitated, unsure how much they could say and what would set him off. They didn’t want to upset him more but this was the elephant in the room. “I was there. I saw it. And I am so sorry I couldn’t stop it earlier, Jen.”

He didn’t speak, only nodded at their words. They continued—there had to be something to get through to him about all this. “I know things can be tense between us. I’m not always there for you and it’s terrible and I’m sorry. You have to talk to someone, Jensen. No one can go through it alone.”

“I feel alone.”

That one sentence single handedly broke their heart. They could see he wasn’t emotional about it, he was just…cold. Unbothered. Like this wasn’t new news. That scared them more than the drinking.

Gently, they tilted his face towards them. “Look at me, Jensen. You are not alone in all this, and I never want you to feel like you are. There are people here that love you and I need you to see that before you get worse.”

They could tell by the look on his face he knew what they meant. They were terrified of the idea of losing anyone else, but especially Jensen. Family was a strange word in their mouth because they didn’t feel like they had much, and the Lightwoods were the closest they had to it, but Jensen was the only family they had left.

They pulled away from him slightly, instead grabbing his hand again. They squeezed it, slightly worried about how frail his hands felt under theirs. Had he been losing weight again? Was he not eating and they didn’t notice because they were so wrapped up in their own world?

“I don’t want to scare you,” they mutter. “But this is scary. I just—“ they couldn’t stop the tension in their voice, even if they tried. “I can’t lose you too, kid.”

They wiped a tear threatening to fall from their eye with their hoodie sleeve and stared him down. “You talk to me, you find Clary, you find Jace, you find someone. Someone to talk to. Okay?”

He nodded. “Okay.”

“The midnight escapades for drinking have to stop, okay?”

Again. “Okay.”

They pulled him into a hug again, one hand cradling the back of his head. Things had been so busy, they’d been so busy, that Jensen was slipping through the cracks. It started with the little things they didn’t notice, but it wasn’t fair for them not to notice. Sometimes they forgot that “baby brother” wasn’t so much of a baby anymore but a sixteen year old who’s seen too much for someone so young.

It was quiet for another moment. They pulled away and both continued with their drinks, sitting in the now more comfortable silence. Jensen broke it after a beat. “I was, ah…I talked to Emma the other day. Carstairs. She and Julian and the Blackthorns are doing pretty well.”

“That’s good.”

“I was thinking about going to LA for a little while. Get out of New York for a bit.”

They nodded. As much as they didn’t want him to leave, they knew full well that he would never get better if he couldn’t go out and be his own person. He had to try to do right by his life.

“I think that sounds great,” they replied. “I think the west coast will be great for you. It’s a lot different over there—everything’s more relaxed.”

“‘S what I heard. I just feel like I need to get out. Do something with my life. Like you.”

They smiled softly at him. “Don’t be like me. Be better.”

They finished their drinks after a long moment and Jensen stood up, taking both cups to the sink to rinse them out. They could do dishes in the morning. The two walked down the hall and up the stairs to both their bedrooms. Rowan walked him back to his and left him at the door.

“Hey, just—before you go to bed,” they said, stopping him in the doorway. “I know things are tough right now. I…I wish I could fix it all for you. But I think you’re going to go out and do something amazing.”

He smiled. “Guess I have a good role model, huh?”

They shook their head, laughing slightly. “I do what I can. You…I can see you doing so much good here, Jensen. Or anywhere you want to be. Hold on for that.”

He nodded and smiled, heading into his room for the night. When they heard the latch click, they turned back to the hall and padded their way to their own.

There was a text on their phone—from Simon, no less.

how are you?

you’re never that formal

you know what I mean. I guess you’re not sleeping if you’re answering

They chuckled and shook their head at his comment. Still worried about them even when he was supposed to be with his mom (who they’d yet to meet out of anxiety around parents but knew she was a lovely woman) and sister.

go to sleep, dork

you first

They rolled their eyes and pulled the phone off the charger, rolling over to get comfortable with the closest thing they could get to Simon with them.

fine. I love you

love you to the moon and back

you’re so stupid

guess I’m lucky you like stupid huh?

go to BED.

(~￣³￣)~

They rolled their eyes at his antics, burying their face in the pillow to stifle their laughter at his antics. It was almost three—much later than it should be for someone trying to get back on a decent sleep schedule.

They laid down and got comfortable, pulling his pillow into their chest. Tonight, it helped. Maybe they were just meant to stay up tonight to make sure Jensen was okay, but they’d never been a big believer in fate. What they did know, though, was he had a long life ahead of him and he deserved to live it to the fullest.

And it's hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound It's hard to be anywhere these days when all I want is you You're a flashback in a film reel on the one screen in my town

This is me trying

2013

As much as they hated swimming, Rowan loved the beach. Especially at night when it was empty and peaceful—they loved taking the short trip for the weekend when they took a mini-vacation in Paris with Aunt Élodie. They sat there, toes in the cool sand, watching the stars as they twinkled in the dark sky.

“On your left,” Simon said, sitting down next to them. He handed them a mug with tea in it and they took it with both hands, using it to warm them in the slightly windy air.

They smiled and leaned against him. “Thanks,” they said softly, watching the waves come in.

It was quiet for a long moment before Simon spoke up. “You seem lost in thought. You okay?”

They nodded and took a sip of their tea. Lemon balm with just a little sugar to cut the tangy citrus—practically perfect. Even better when they didn’t have to make it themselves. “It’s a little weird being here. I barely remember being here as a kid, with Aunt Gunny and Uncle Émile and Sebastian. Sometimes Aline and her parents came, too. Those were always the best times ‘cause the whole family got to be together. Then I missed out on a couple years, and all of a sudden came back. It’s…weird.”

“Good weird?”

“I’m not sure. How’d you feel if you visited somewhere you spent a lot of time at as a kid and showed up all of a sudden when so much changed years later?”

“Uh…” he paused, trying to think for a moment. “I mean, my high school usually did that with the elementary school. We got to visit there. Guess I never did that though.”

They chuckled at his words as he tried to come up with something that related to their situation. He tried. It was cute. “Eh, it’s not a big deal. Like I said, it’s just weird. But I like being here.”

“I like getting out of the city. Brooklyn will always be home, but fresh air once in a while is a little nice.”

This time, he made them laugh a little harder and they curled their arm around his. After a long moment, they said, “I used to be so terrified of the water, y’know.”

He gasped dramatically. “You, scared of something? Say it’s not so!”

“I’m serious!” They swatted his arm gently, rolling their eyes at his antics. “Dad thought it was a good idea to just toss me in one day and I didn’t speak to him for a week. He had to bribe me back with chocolates.”

Simon laughed. “That sounds like you. You might have a world record for the longest grudge ever held.”

“On who?”

“I dunno, Jace? You still pick fights with him. Like, a lot.”

“Oh, that’s just for kicks. If I was still hung up on that…” they trailed off and shook their head. “You’re not wrong though. I probably had a record on my dad for a while.”

“Not anymore?” he asked, genuinely curious. They knew they didn’t talk about their parents much, preferring to keep to themselves about it.

They shrugged. “No point. Also, the older I get…well, I wasn’t an easy kid. And I know he was doing his best. Magnus told me about some stuff with my parents when they were kids and explained that he’d never seen anyone more in love with someone. He even did that stupid ‘he looked at my mom first to see if she was laughing at a joke’ thing. Lame.”

“What do you mean lame? That’s romantic!”

“I told you eons ago I don’t read romance novels. They’re corny.”

“Really? Cause I saw that book you’re reading now, and—“

“That book we don't need to talk about. It’s not romance, necessarily.”

He snickered, still unable to keep a straight face when anything like that came up in conversation. They swore he had the sense of humor of a twelve year old, and maybe quit growing up when he hit sixteen. Clary argued it was thirteen.

In truth, they knew that wasn’t true. Just in the last few years since they got together, they’d watched him grow up a lot. Even before that—he was a mundane, a vampire, mundane again, and survived becoming a shadowhunter. The time he was at the Academy was particularly hard for them since they were trying to bounce back from the Dark War and didn’t have him around for his stupid one liners and random comic book references they still barely understood.

“You’re staring,” he said teasingly, leaning forward and pressing a quick kiss to their forehead. “Am I just that handsome?”

“I will dump this hot tea in your lap.”

He laughed at their fake threat. “Yeah, yeah. You love me and you know it.”

“Unfortunately.”

“I’m wounded!”

“Out of a dating pool of anyone in the world, I had to end up with the dorkiest guy to ever…” they paused, trying to come up with a good word. “Dork, I guess.”

He laughed harder, probably noticing the fact that they were a little embarrassed about the lack of a good retort.

“I hate you.”

“No you don’t.”

“No, I don’t.” They sighed and looked back out at the water. “You ever wonder what things would be like?”

“Like what?”

“Like…if Clary never saw Jace kill that demon, if we never met, if…if Johnathan never existed…”

He was quiet for a moment before turning to face them, taking the mug out of their hands and resting it in the sand next to them. He took each of their hands and sandwiched them between his. “I think there’s no point in dwelling on what happened because it did happen and nothing will change the past. But I couldn’t be prouder that you decided you were going to change your future.”

“I almost didn’t.”

“I know. You’ve told me. But you did, and you’re here. And we’re on vacation in France where I thought I’d never visit in my life, and you’re changing the shadow world—single-handedly, I made.”

They blushed lightly, eyes falling into their lap at his compliments. “Aunt Jia’s gotta approve everything.”

“But it’s your ideas. You want justice for kids like Helen and Mark who are treated like hell for being part fae and want the people that allowed Valentine to get as far as they did to get what they deserve. You’re doing good.”

They looked up after a moment, finally meeting his eyes. He looked adorable when he kept his glasses on, though he didn’t use them all the time anymore. Some runes helped to a degree, but at bedtime he usually didn’t fight with those. “You think so?”

“I know so. I see it all the time. And I know I’m not the only one.” They leaned forward, laying their head on his shoulder. He brushed his hand through their hair, playing with the strands at the back that were several months grown out but they kept forgetting to get a haircut. Maybe they’d have Isabelle do it the next time they were back home.

“I know things sucked for a while, to say the least. But, if anything, you did it. And I’m happy you did.”

“Me, too.”

They sat on the beach for a while longer, Rowan drinking their tea and Simon’s head in their lap. It was comfortable out there—the small house they rented from some mundanes for the weekend was cozy, but he was right. The fresh air was wonderful.

“You wanna tell me about the stars?”

“Why?”

“Cause you like to talk about it.”

They smiled softly down at him. “It won’t bore you?”

“It’s you. Never.”

They turned their head to the sky and went on about Orion, each of the stars inside the constellation and the story behind it. They talked about how you could see Jupiter from where they sat, and Saturn, and Mars if you squinted. They talked about mundane space travel and the myths about the planets, how they got their names, and argued that Pluto really was a planet despite what some people liked to argue. He listened with intent, smiling as they got more energetic about certain things.

Because it wasn’t boring, and he wanted to listen. He wanted to be there, otherwise he wouldn’t be.

They were both sitting on the beach, under the stars in France where five years ago, they never thought they’d be. And they loved every moment of it.

At least I'm trying

1 note · View note

alex044 · 6 months

Text

i wrote this little... something? at 5am, while incredibly sleep deprived. anyway, i kinda like it & wanted to share, so here it is!

----------------------------------------------------

mourning is a funny thing, you know?

you don't have to have a loved one die to experience it. i'm lucky enough to say that everyone in my family i'm close to is alive, and still plays an active role in my life.

and yet, i still mourn sometimes. i mourn the previous phases of my life, my past interests, the people i once considered my favourites. i mourn everything and everyone i've ever loved, no matter how small of an impact they had on my life.

quarantine wasn't ideal, of course - but the memories i created there are still deeply engraved in my brain. i remember every laugh, every interaction with people i normally would've barely talked to. i remember the late night talks, the silly jokes, all the little things. would i wish to go back to that time? no, probably not. but i still mourn.

i mourn the things that used to make me happy, even if i've found ones that make me much happier now. i vividly remember when a certain thing had such a deep impact on me that i think it saved me, saved my life in a way. it was my entire existence back then - and yet now i left it behind, i barely even think about it anymore.

and it's the same with people, really. past friendships and relationships i look back on, no matter how brief they might've been. i cling to the memories of them, to all the things they've given me with their presence.

and sometimes this mourning is nostalgic - it's looking back at old pictures, smiling, remembering how much it all used to mean. it's remembering all the times it pulled me out of a bad mental space, all the times it made me excited and happy more than anything. of all the videos, all the hours i spent with people i barely even talk to today, if at all.

but sometimes, it's anything but nostalgia and soft smiles. sometimes it's hysterically crying in my room, clutching my phone in my hand, wishing i was still there. sometimes it's sleepless nights, thinking about how happy i was back then, itching for the person who caused that happiness - although really, it's just the feeling itself i'm longing for. sometimes it's desperately trying to hold onto the long gone feelings something used to cause me.

it's all the things that shaped me into who i am today, no matter how tiny or seemingly silly.

so yes, i mourn sometimes. i mourn my childhood, my previous favourite medias, the stupid videos and even stupider jokes. i mourn the people who are still in my life - not because i think i'll lose them, but because i hold them so close to my heart it feels impossible not to. i mourn my memories with them, despite being excited to create even more of them to hold onto.

it's all a paradox, really - i live in the past, constantly looking back, but at the same time, all that is in front of my eyes is my future, wondering what life holds for me.

i feel like a child, unable to let go of things he was supposed to move on from years ago. and yet here i am, still on the brink of adulthood, mamaging university and being away from almost everything i used to know.

but i love to think that that's just what life is - navigating between the past and the future, just trying to stay alive and enjoy things while we can.

and i also love to think that i'm managing it. i don't dare to say well, sometimes i feel impossibly close to giving up - but i'm alive, and that's what matters.

#writing #ramblings #rambles

0 notes

diaryoftheunidropout · 8 months

Text

DAY 198

Has it really been that long? Where'd all the time go? Even since the last time I updated, a LOT has happened :') today is the 18th of September and at 1PM I'll be starting my first day at my first ever job... wow?

This summer was absolutely CRAZY. Seeing my cousins in Bretagne, the Miraculous movie premiere, London Pride, Good Omens s2, Heartstopper s2, SEEING BIG TIME RUSH AGAIN AND LITERALLY BECOMING A WORLDWIDE GIRL???????? MY DREAM SINCE I BECAME A RUSHER?????????? Wow. Do I even deserve so much good in my life? I hope so. Because I'm really greatful and I hope more good things are coming <3

Just took the time to fill in the calendar my mom offered me as a bday gift last year, because at the beginning of the year I would always write if something special happened a certain day, but I stopped doing it months ago :') So I scrolled through my Ig story archives and my Snap memories and I was able to write down looooots of things and it's making me realize that even though I haven't always been doing well, I've had a lot of good things in my life.

After I came back home from the US, something in me really changed. I've been feeling different. Definitely not like the person I was before depression, but definitely not the person I was these past 3 years...? I think I'm healing. I think being a Worldwide Girl might have triggered something HUGE in my brain because suddenly, I CARE about the future. So much. I care about staying healthy and saving money, and making plans... Most of these plans revolve around Big Time Rush coming to Europe. I'm obsessed with them just like I was back in 2016-2017. Just in a much healthier way when it comes to Logan, though.

I'm just feeling a little stressed out about my new job but I think that's normal! I was very stressed out about going to the US and it turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me, proof that being nervous is not a bad sign. Mostly I'm stressed about having to learn so much and discovering a completely new environment but I know I can only be happier than when I was in school/uni, and at least I'm going to have some kind of routine... and I need the money!!! I'm also very stressed out about my exact schedule because there were Saturdays when I'd made plans months ago (like concerts, etc.) but I'm afraid they'll be on Saturdays when I have to work since, as far as I know, I'll work a Saturday out of two. I'm also nervous about how much money I'll have by the time BTR comes to Europe, and if I'm going to be able to get enough days off and money to do the whole tour... I'm just trying to tell myself I'll find a way, somehow. As I said, it's the first time in YEARS I actually think far ahead in the future, like months or years ahead, and it's very much anxiety-inducing because I'm not really used to that anymore lol. I need to chill and take it one step at a time.

Oh also. My relationship with my mom has been kinda chaotic lately, considering she had a boyfriend with whom she broke up recently... it can only get better from now on.

Both excited and nervous for tomorrow. I mean, in a few hours. It's almost 2AM now and I start at 1PM.

Anyway... see ya later! Can't wait to see what the future holds for me (can't believe I'm saying that but I mean it)

0 notes

lunamositii · 8 months

Text

5 years

A lot has changed in 5 years. Slowly, I've been working on myself and remembering who I was. No, who I am. I spent too much time catering to others, and not enough time thinking about myself and what I wanted. But I can look back now, I can think about all the good times, all the fun, the amazing memories and smile. I can think about the late nights playing Resident Evil 6, the chaos that was our Ark servers, and the vacation they took to fly out and finally meet me face to face. I won't say that I don't think about the bad times, because I do. They remind me why I did what I did, why I blocked and removed them from everything. But I don't hold onto those bad times like a crutch, I don't cling to them so desperately to make myself feel better about why I did what I did. No. Instead, I use the joy I feel now, the freedom to talk about things again, to remind me of how constrictive that situation was. I don't know if I should call it a friendship or not, but there is no denying that I thought it was that at one point. But now that I have been away for so long I can see that it was never that. I was a means to an end, a punching bag. There is a phrase that the people with the most to hide scream the loudest. The ones who are the saddest will always say they are the happiest. I've kept quiet because that phrase has instilled a fear of judgment toward me. Not anymore. I am proud of the choices I have made, I am finally happy with my life and where I am. Maybe it's because almost a year ago I moved across the country into my own little slice of heaven. My husband and I have never been happier, the stress has finally started to dissolve and even my health has improved. I've made friendships that I wouldn't change for the world, people who listen to what I say and are happy for the things I have. I have/had a plethora of drafts that I've kept hidden away talking about those terrible 7 years. Those years that I thought were amazing until I realized they weren't. Maybe one day I will reveal the horrors I went through, the red flags I forgave over and over again, just in hopes that someone might take the time to read them and realize that the things I went through are similar and they deserve better. Maybe someone will learn from my mistakes and escape a toxic situation without the trauma that needs to be worked on through years of reminders that I wasn't in the wrong. And if you're still reading this, if you're still watching my social media, if you still can't get me out of your head, this is for you. I never read the google doc you tried to force on me, or the email you sent me. I know they existed, and I know you wanted closure. Consider this your closure.

0 notes

sincerely-ie · 8 months

Text

All the words I couldn't say

I remember the day we parted ways. I was sad but accepting. I tried not to think about you. It was easy. I thought I fell out of love with you. I couldn't feel the love, the spark anymore. I provided you with a choice, to take a break or to leave. You chose the latter. We agreed before that should we ever part ways, we were not to be strangers. We believed that we were mature enough to accept it. I agreed because I knew what type of person you were.

Looking back, I regret not fighting for us. I regret not trying harder. When I hear 'Back to December', I think about us. I think about all the times we could have worked things out.

I remember after we parted for some time, we had some chats. One of which you told me you tried to avoid me whenever you could. When I questioned why, you told me you felt jealous, envious that I was supposedly happier than you. That I was already seeing someone else. I confessed to you that I was not in fact seeing someone new, and that they, my friends, were a way to keep you out of my mind. You were upset that I was doing better than you but all those times I felt the urge to talk to you again, to maybe hope to reconcile and try again, I didn't act on it. Instead I gazed at you with envious but loving eyes, wishing you nothing but the best. I had full faith you'll find someone better, because I knew you. I knew you were a good guy and anyone would be lucky to have you.

I reached out too late. I realised too late. By the time I reached out in hopes of reconciling, you moved on. You were happier. I tried to create situations, scenarios where you had to talk to me. But we were hurt and you picked yourself up. You forgot the promise we made before parting. I was upset. I was filled with regret. Why hadn't I try sooner? Why was I so afraid? I could have had a fighting chance.

Then I saw you. How different you seemed. That was not the person I fell in love with. That was not the person I chose to love. You felt like a stranger to me and despite that, I was still utterly in love with you. Maybe I was reminiscing about old memories. I can't help it. You felt so right for me. Then again, I never saw anything bad. All my friends tell me that you pushed too much. At first, I found it hard to believe but the more I look at you, the more I see it. I could never picture my future with you. Even back then. Those fleeting moments I had with you were amazing. The secretive looks, the hidden matching items, it felt so special to me. I wonder sometimes if it was because we were just too quick.

After a while, I finally could let go of you. I could move on and not second guess my feelings.

I found someone new. Someone who I can talk to, who understands me. Although sometimes it gets a little lonely, I still want to try and love them. I want to build something with them. I care for them a lot and I don't want to lose them. I can't bear losing them. I can't tell if I'm falling in love but if this is what love feels like, I'm glad it's gentle and refreshing.

I am so glad to have met you and experienced all I could with you. You taught me so much and I will always be thankful.

Every now and then, when I see you from afar, there is a pang in my heart. The 'what ifs' and 'what could have beens'. I know now it's the memories I wish to relive.

Maybe back then, I would have jumped at an opportunity to reconcile with you but when I saw you today, all I could think about was my partner. How much I missed them, how I missed their company, how I missed their voice. I'll have you to thank. I wish you all the best, maybe when you have settled down, we can chat like old friends, catching up on life, going back to before everything happened.

I realised my feelings better and I'm glad and relieved that you are not the person I pictured in my future. So thank you, for being there at an important part of my life. I've learned a lot from you and I'll never regret the way things turn out.

~ i.E

0 notes

lochselfships · 10 months

Text

💤 rough around the edges, gentle as can be

Characters: Loch (self-insert), Alfur Aldric, The Postal Dude

Summary: hiiiiii i'm being gay for my boyfriends again and wrote this comfort fic for myself at like 4am!!! Loch's having a big depression night and thinking about past mistakes, Alfur doesn't know how to help, and Dude steps in. this is largely about the early days of Loch and Dude's romantic relationship, and how he and Alfur became friends.

Warnings: depressive thoughts, mild self-destructive behaviour, (referenced) meltdown, misunderstood character(s), hurt/comfort, no beta read

Word Count: 2.8k

Loch sat on the bathroom floor, curled up into a hunched-over position as another night of sleeplessness pulled them into an emotionally fragile state. Their eyes were slightly red from crying minutes ago, but they were dehydrated already and didn't have more tears to cry- The distance between their mental and emotional state being completely distanced from each other making it even more difficult to feel in touch with themselves. It was a rough night. This was becoming more common lately.

They were trapped in their head, replaying bad memories from different perspectives. Right now they were dealing with a mix of self-perception and socializing issues, mixed with a pinch of related trauma for a spicy combination that he despised so much.

"Gah…" They whined quietly to themselves, "I'm such an idiot."

Loch bit their lip to avoid sinking too much further into despair, mulling over the various times they'd made a fool of themselves and been laughed at for it. The way it had shaped them into this 'loveable punching-bag' archetype that they constantly wavered on. The way they couldn't seem to stop being an idiot around people, whether accidental or purposeful. It was exhausting.

Loch took a moment to try and ground themselves, attaching to their surroundings again.

It was silent, Loch even tuning out the tiny hum of the bathroom lights as his world was rather muffled. Then, from the other side of the locked door he heard a small tap- barely audible.

His heart raced, already panicking. How long had he spent in the bathroom? Were the others starting to worry? That was the last thing they wanted, to wake someone just to comfort them in a moment of weakness.

"Loch?" Called a small and gentle voice, and Loch shuffled towards the door to hear better- not yet bringing themselves to speak up, throat a little hoarse.

"Are you… are you alright?" Alfur's soft tones letting Loch feel a little more comfortable, but all the more guilty as they heard the worry in his voice. "If there's anything I can do…"

"No, no." Loch sighed, pressing his forehead to the door and swallowing saliva to let his voice return to normal. "I'm okay, I promise."

It wasn't a total lie, he was feeling somewhat better after a cry, but… It wasn't the whole truth either. They were struggling again, handling their past as a whole, their anxieties, as well as the struggle of opening up properly- Letting themselves be comforted.

"Hmm…" Alfur gave a concerned hum that let Loch know they weren't really off the hook with this- Alfur knew Loch's patterns on their bad nights, the bathroom was a common retreat for when they felt like a burden.

"Really, I… I've just been lost in thought again- you know me, always zoning out on the toilet." Loch lied. It was common for them to zone out in the middle of the bathroom, but this wasn't one of those times.

Alfur opens his mouth to talk again, but then closes it, unsure of what to say, or how to comfort them. Some nights it was more difficult… they were more stubborn… The elf could try his best but there were times Loch would lock themselves away and there was very little he could do about that.

"I-I'll be out in a minute!" Loch stuttered, putting on a happier tone of voice before standing up and moving to the sink to wash their face "Go join the others, um, I'll be done in- done in a sec!"

Alfur nervously fidgeted before taking a few steps away, giving them a moment to compose themselves properly. He was anxious about his partner and not sure what to do; He wasn't sure what exactly triggered Loch's current state, so it was much harder to navigate for the little guy.

He stood in the doorframe of the living room which adjoined to the hallway, and therefore, bathroom. Soon, he felt the approach of a human walking towards him. Alfur snapped out of his thoughtful daze to look up to the person and see who it was.

Oh. It was the newer addition…

Dude, a tall man with auburn hair, clad in a leather trenchcoat with eyes that always seemed a bit too manic, approached the elf with his usual demeanor. He had only recently gotten together with Loch after a long while of being friends, and Alfur was still on the rocks about him. Dude wasn't exactly the most trustworthy guy… Alfur didn't want to see Loch hurt, and hearing of Dude's less-than-reputable activity didn't put him at ease. They had been dating for over a month, though, and he seemed to be somewhat alright, so it made sense for Alfur to give him a visibility contract. It could be easily redacted, anyway.

"What's going on?" Dude spoke, looking down at Alfur through his shades (which he continued to wear indoors for some reason).

"Oh, well," Alfur began, voice still laiden with worry, "Loch's… I don't think they're doing well, to be frank. They're still in the bathroom."

Dude raised a brow, and Alfur responded with an awkward and very telling expression- it took Dude a second, but quickly realised it was a meltdown thing and his usual flat expression twisted into a small frown.

Dude huffed and glanced towards the bathroom door, where the sound of running water could be heard. "Gotcha…" He said gruffly, and scratched at his goatee in thought.

Alfur watched closely as Dude made strides towards the bathroom and stopped just outside of it. He instinctively raised a leg to kick at it like he usually would, and then did a double-take and realised that might not be the best idea, considering. Dude shuffled towards the door and heard as the tap kept running, and then tried at the door handle. It wasn't budging.

"Ya done in there?" He questioned, "Can I come in?"

There was a just-about-too-long moment of quiet before Loch's response called out, "Uh- Uhm- Yeah, hang on."

There was the squeak of a tap turning off and then a couple footsteps, then the rattling of the lock being undone. Dude turned the handle, successfully this time, and poked his head into the bright, tiled room.

"Mm, hi…" Loch mumbled, shifting their weight as Dude's eyes landed on them.

"Hey there," Dude smiled, trying to lighten the dense atmosphere,"Everything alright? You're sure up late."

Alfur watched from the sidelines, his attention anxiously darting between the two as they conversed. He didn't know how Dude would handle this if it turned sour… And he wasn't the confrontational type to step in unless things were awful.

'Maybe I should have some more faith…' Alfur thought to himself as he watched Loch's expressions turn to a soft smile at Dude's presence. They clearly felt comfortable enough being around him; that was reassuring.

"I just- Yeah. Sorry about that. I hope I didn't wake you." Loch rambled, façade already beginning to crack as they're faced with someone watching them post-meltdown.

"Nope, I was already up. Going to hit the streets for a smoke, but I noticed you were up." Dude slowly moved towards Loch, reaching to place a hand on their shoulder. His touch was much gentler than it ever had been before, like he was afraid to hurt them. "So… what's up? You can talk about it, if you want to."

Loch's mind was buzzing with all the possible ways this interaction could turn- the remnants of their depressing thoughts still leaving a mark on them.

"It's… It's complicated. Couldn't sleep. Started thinking… 'Bout stuff."

Dude hummed and leant against the wall, "Anything in particular?"

Loch made eye contact with Dude for a second, and seemed even more at odds with themselves than before. Their instincts were to tell him, to let it all out, but there was some blockage there worrying about upsetting Dude in the process.

"Just… some of those old, cringey memories, ya know? Sorry, that's- that's pretty vague." Loch huffed, frustrated with themselves more than anything.

"Nah, that's alright. Take your time."

Both Loch and Alfur were momentarily stunned by this comment- Dude wasn't known for being very patient, so this was… It was clear he was putting in a lot of effort to let Loch get out what they needed to with support, instead of pushing them. A sweet gesture, to say the least.

"Okay, um- Oh, where to start…" Loch sat on the edge of the bathtub and rested their head in their palm. "There was just- there was this time… I mean, it was quite a while ago now, I don't even know why it still bugs me, but it feels like I'll never live it down."

Dude nodded, and watched them carefully, just listening to their ramble. He'd done this plenty before for some of his old friends… And for comforting himself, when he needed it.

Loch continued, "I just- I completely cocked up in front of this idol of mine, tried to impress them and… It didn't go well. I made a complete dick of meself. Guh…" They visibly cringed just thinking about it again. "And then there were others there, people I really look up to, they definitely saw. I know it's immature, but I don't think I could face them again."

"Ah… Is that what it is?" Dude asked.

Loch nodded in response, "Pretty much. I just… I hate being laughed at. It really fuckin' gets to me when people SEE me mess up, even strangers, so for it to be a celebrity- Uughhhh…" They groan and drag a hand down their face, running over their puffy eyes and red cheeks.

"Well, what do they matter?" The Postal Dude spoke plainly, tilting his head to the side. From the angle, Loch could make out the vibrant green of his eyes that followed them, and it made their heart skip a beat.

Loch let out a baffled sound. "Huh? Hm?"

"What does it matter if they did laugh at you, or aknowledge your mistake? You know they've probably made much worse mistakes in their time, don't you?"

"Well, of course. I mean, probably. But… They're, ya know…" Loch's speech trained off.

Dude tilted his head to the other side and raised his brows in a 'go on' kind of gesture, looking to see what Loch could mean by that. He could take a good guess, but it was better to hear it from their mouth.

"I really was- or am, yeah- I really am fans of them. It hurts to think that they could remember me like… that. They're so talented, it feels like a wasted chance, sorta." They hated it, but they felt themselves tearing up admitting this all. Acknowledging out loud that it could be a possibility shattering what was left of their emotionally-stable façade.

"Got it… May I?" Dude stood properly again and asked to sit beside Loch. When he got the 'OK' for it he budged up next to them and pulled them into a cozy side-hug. He could feel Loch's shoulders shake as they sobbed a little, and he hated to see them this way. It took a lot of willpower to stay calm- But he was mostly impressed by how much he could care so much for someone again. It had been a long, long time.

"I can't say I understand, Darlin'... You're definitely a bunch more talented than them, what are you so worried about?"

Loch wiped away a stray tear and scoffed, lightly jabbing Dude in the side before leaning back into his touch. "You're just buttering me up now."

"Well, maybe." Dude smiled, glad to see Loch have a little more fight left in them. "But really, what can they do that's better than you? There's no reason to hold em up to a standard that's higher than yourself. I don't see it… They're not all that important."

"Animation, music, the like…" Loch listed off, trying to think clearly. "I can draw but… They've got- they've garnered a following and worked their asses off. Feels like they're more worthy of- of I don't know- respect? More respect than what I showed them."

"Pfft, through an algorithm of mostly dumb luck? And you're saying that makes em somehow more worthy to judge you? Surely you know how that sounds." Dude couldn't help but poke holes in Loch's self-deprecting argument.

"Well… Yes. I suppose. But…"

"But? No, seriously, there's nothing that you should be putting yourself down for here. I've seen your work- It's goddamn impressive, I'll tell you that." Dude praised, and his cocky smirk grew into a toothy grin as he watched the praise sink in to Loch and bring out a genuine smile. He loved that look on them.

"I guess… Maybe it's something deeper than all this? I'm not sure. I get made fun of a lot- Less than I did as a teen, but still… It's kind of a sore spot to worry about being a laughing stock. If that makes any- any sense at all." Loch continued.

"It makes sense for you to feel that way," Dude started, and rested his chin on top of Loch's head. It made Loch's face flush further, being so close to him in a moment of real emotional intimacy. "You're not a laughing stock. You're a person. Like me, like everyone else. We all fuck up from time to time, some more than others. I mean…" He laughed, "Look at me."

From the hallway the tiny elf was still listening to this conversation. He had perched himself upon a nearby windowsill and listened intently, pleasantly surprised at the emotional literacy that the other man was displaying in this situation. He really had misjudged him, it seems. A satisfied smile grew on his little face from knowing Loch would be looked after in situations like this.

"Yeah, yeah, you're a mess, I know. I'm aware." Loch chuckled. "I- Hmm. Thanks." For a bilssfully quiet moment, Loch realised they had nothing else to refute. Their wounds weren't completely healed, but talking about it all made them feel a lot better.

After a solid minute of mutual silence in eachothers embrace, Loch let out a hefty breath they didn't realise they were holding, and stood up. They stretched their back out, feeling their bones pop with a satisfying sound.

"Yeah. Thanks, really." They reiterate, and turn back to Dude, who dusts himself off and follows in suit.

"It's no big deal. Glad you're feeling yourself again, sweetheart."

Loch let a soft expression fall onto their features from the pet name, and rubbed the back of their neck.

"So, shall we leave this god forsaken box?" Dude asked, offering an arm.

"Hah, in a minute- I'll catch up with you in the lounge, just need to tidy up me face first." The younger man replied, and turned towards the mirror-cabinet above the sink to do as they said.

"Alright, see you in a second."

With that out of the way, Dude stepped out of the room and back into the hall. He looked to his right and caught the eyeline of a certain Aldric, who didn't look nearly as worried anymore.

"So…" Dude mumbled, "you listened into all that?"

Alfur let a guilty chuckle escape him. "My apologies, I did. Um…" He averted his gaze to the floor, "Thank you for that. It was sweet, how you were with them."

Dude scratched at his stubble and looked away, an embarrassed blush rising on his cheeks. "Sure."

"For what it's worth," Alfur started, getting ready to hop off the windowsill. "I'm happy they have you. Maybe I could interview you sometime, get to know each other?" He reached the floor and paused momentarily, still rather nervous. "If that's of any interest to you, of course. I don't want to force you-"

"Alright." Dude answered quickly, his deep voice contrasting Alfur's higher-pitched accent. "That's fine by me. Next time we have a free moment, then."

"Yeah!" Alfur nodded happily, and wandered into the living room after Dude. "But for now, I should really try to convince Loch to sleep…"

"I'll grab the water." Dude stated without hesitation and marched towards the kitchen.

The elf watched him leave for the drink with a happy expression, the action pushing away any doubts he had beforehand. Dude really did care, deep down.

Alfur heard the switch of the bathroom light trigger behind him, and spun around to see Loch heading out.

"Oh, Alfur!" Loch smiled, and bent down to let Alfur climb aboard their shoulder. "Sorry about that, I hope you weren't too worried…"

The Aldric sat comfortably on his lover's shoulder and nuzzled affectionately into their neck.

"Not at all. I'm happy you're okay."

#🩷 || Darling Dance #💐 || Love Letters #selfship #selfshipping #selfship blog #selfship fanfiction #self ship fanfic #📚 || Littlest Journalist #✂️ || Bullets n Bruises

0 notes

rielfyre · 2 years

Text

On Monday night one of my ex's texted me out of the blue asking me to dinner. I said yes, because why not. Our relationship wasn't bad he was just inatentive and checked out for most of it. In deep depression and being to inexperienced to deal with it in a healthy way. So he ran away from his problems, and isolated himself from me. We broke up because he started caring and actually showing he loved me too little too late. He's not empathetic at all, but back then he chose to ignore that.

He grew up. It's been 4 years since then. He's 26 instead of 22. All throughout dinner he apologized for his behavior back then. "I was a really bad bf to you" He told me everytime he thought about me he would always regret the way he treated me. He took blame for everything. I mean everything. Going from blaming others or ignoring problems or bad behavior to owning up to your mistakes, that's BIG .

He told me I had been running through his mind lately. I asked him how long and he said 18 months jokingly, but 3 months was the real marker for him getting the courage up to message me. He didn't type a long apology not because he wanted to do it in person. Do you know how hard it is to own up to your mistakes and behavior IN PERSON rather than over a computer screen? It's fucking hard.

Of course throughout the evening we joked about sex, because we're both dirty minded people and our sex life was never a problem. I told him sex was off the table for now because I didn't want it to be the reason we connected again. He agreed. He respected my boundaries, even asked if he could kiss me or lay his head on my lap.

Sex used to be so important to us because that was really the only time I spent time with him emotionally connected, having him all to myself. This time around he made it clear he wanted to see where things go. He wanted to emotionally invest in me. As we talked I came to realize that he really did love me. He was shitty at showing it, but from the way he talked you could see it. He told me he missed me at least 5 times in the 2.5 hours we spent together. Quality time. Just talking no distractions.

I got over him. It took a year but I did it. It scares me a bit that him coming back into my life. It felt so natural for my feelings to blossom as they did before. Don't get me wrong, it will take some time, probably a long time for me to love him like I did. Today we are both very different people. I was so sure he was going to cancel on me for dinner, but he didn't. He paid. Something he never did before except on our first date way back when. I know that seems like a miniscule detail, but when it comes to him it's huge.

It's still hard to believe and welcomed that he's changed so much. That he's grown up. He has a car and a job now. He does other things with his life other than constant video games. My cat likes him too. Very important.

I don't know where this will go or if it will even work out. I want to try, and he wants to try. It seems stupid to not try. He is as attractive as ever. Hasn't aged a day. Still 6'3 the tallest person I've ever dated. The top of my head fits right under his chin. I'm 5'8" for reference.

It's a risky move on my part because he destroyed me mentally. I loved him almost as much as my first love.

I'm going to try anyways. It's a risk I'm willing to take. I'm more secure with myself. I love myself and I'm happy with/by myself. I don't need constant attention I like my space and can balance things out now.

Past memories are there still, but I don't hold grudges unless you cross lines. Like my recent ex who did his very best to use me as a punching bag on his way out.

Wiping the slate clean and starting over, but still keeping those old memories with ourselves. Mostly good for me, I tend to forget the bad things and remember the good in someone. I'm excited and anxious all at the same time, but I know that I can recover if we don't work out.

I'm happy I got this chance, and I'm happier still that Jae isn't in my life. He would be so against this decision. I would feel so pressured to please that I probably wouldn't have even gone out with him to begin with. Without that gaslighting and control I made my own decision. One that I am happy with. Doing what I thinks is right for me, not what he thinks is right for me. It's liberating.

SO I will try again with him, the person my heart settles back so easily with, and we'll see how and where it goes. I'll keep you updated ~Mariel

0 notes

funkymbtifiction · 3 years

Note

This pandemic has brought out the worst in me. My sleeping schedule is a mess (I go to sleep at 6am and wake up at 2pm), I'm barely able to get out of the bed, I can barely do the dishes and take out the trash, I spend too much time on YouTube and inside my head, thinking about all the stuff I wanted to work on but being unable to do it.

My memory has also gotten worse - if it's not something I'm not obsessed with then I'll not remember the details. I was trying to snap myself out of this hazy floating by trying to focus my mind at least on reading, which is something I absolutely love, but now I'm unable to focus even on a plot I find interesting and intriguing, my mind immediately starts to wander, or I need to do at least 2 things at once (reading and checking Reddit, or reading and listening to some ambient music). I've also started to not finish stories where I once used to read a book a day.

I know the theory of what I should be doing, but that's it. I'm unable to JUST DO it. I think my Te is trying to motivate me by trying to wake up my conscience, but it's not enough. I hate this because I know I can do things and concentrate and be responsible and productive, but because I'm fine and all my basic needs are met I don't have the need to pull myself together. I used to fuel my 7 by travelling and observing people, but now that we need to stay home, and I have covid (so my friends bring me groceries), my 9w1 core sloth is all too happy to be left alone, with my devices.

I know that this pandemic brought pandemic fatigue with it, plus it's spring and I'm always tired in spring (plus my years-long medical issues with thick blood and low blood pressure), but it's driving me crazy that I could've gotten better at my hobbies and could've reached some of my goals by now only if I DID things. Things that used to work don't help anymore. And then I don't even stay mad long because some new video distracts me.

Is there something from a mbti perspective that can help to start doing things and concentrating on them? (For context I'm an ENFP 9w1 7w6 2w3)

Also thank you so much for this blog, thank you for helping lost souls find their way and be better people, both inside their head and outside when interacting with the outer world ❤️ I haven't been studying mbti for that long but so far I've seen so much valuable information on your blog, and for free!

Are you mad enough at yourself yet to change your behavior?

That's really the bottom line here, because you KNOW that YOU have to start being responsible and doing things and not just wasting your time... but YOU are the only person who will force yourself to do things.

A couple of thoughts. First, I recognize this phenomenon / brain fog. It happened to me several times last year during the pandemic (where I am, things are opening up, so hopefully they will soon for you as well) and I hated it. My mind was unclear, I had lots of things I needed to do but could not focus on any of them. It was, to be honest, a Si grip, which yanks you out of Ne-dom (possibilities, excitement about doing projects, seeing things made real) and turns your intuition into a "fog." There's no access to Fi (do I care about this? if I care, am I a principled person enough to do it?) and no Te (how am I going to prioritize my tasks?), just Si (I'm comfy doing nothing and feeling depressed) and flits of Ne, which only show up as being bored, easily distracted, etc. So some of this is a Si grip, and some of it is general depression (being unfocused, sleeping in late, not taking care of yourself, no motivation even for things you love, unable to finish things). You need to approach it by dealing with both -- getting back into your stronger functions (Ne: envisioning possibilities and finding a purpose, Fi: drawing upon your character and who you want to be and what you care about, to take action, Te: making a plan, forcing yourself to do what needs done, and keeping track of your progress to self-motivate) -- and by recognizing and admitting that you are depressed, and asking what you can do about it.

Second, you have built up some BAD habits during the pandemic. I get it. I fell into some of this as well last autumn, when I ceased being my usual productive self and started leaving work (from home) at 3pm every day. I developed a bad habit of just watching television, which numbed my brain and ultimately bored me. It's only now that I have hope and can go to the store without a mask on that I am feeling happier (my little 7 wing rejoices and has PLANS) and can work through into the late afternoon. I'm re-establishing a schedule that is productive throughout the day instead of allowing myself to "meander" in life. So what you need to do is look at your habits. Make a list of them. Look at what you told me: basically, it is I have become undisciplined, my sleep schedule is bad, and then I wake up late and feel lazy so I don't do anything. What is ONE THING that would jolt you into a different routine? Go to bed on time. Set a time every night, shut off all your devices an hour ahead of it, read a book until you get sleepy, and go to sleep. Wake up at a decent hour. If you wake up at 7am instead of 2pm, your body won't fall into its usual "welp, afternoon is half over, guess I'll watch YouTube" habit. It will go -- wait, what new habit are we forming? Breakfast? Then work?? Okay!

Lastly, and this is HUGELY important for an ENFP -- decide the night before what you are going to accomplish or work on tomorrow. Why? It prepares your brain to know what is expected from it. Unless I do this each night, and have a notion of how I am going to spend my time, my Ne goes ?!?! and I get very little done or waste three hours trying to decide what to do. But if I say, "Okay, tomorrow I am finishing chapter four," I usually finish chapter four (and then some). Today, I have to work at my paying job. I knew this last night, so I am mentally clear and prepared to focus only on the task at hand. I don't treat today as "mine." It belongs to my employer. I know what I am going to do, I intend to do it, and when I get home, I know what else I can work on. Learn to create this habit each night before bed. Decide what tomorrow is going to be like and commit to it.

As for tasks you don't want to do that still need done -- just do them. You can spend 2 weeks avoiding them, or spend an hour and get it over with so you don't feel like crap about yourself because you have kept avoiding it for weeks. Decide, "Tomorrow, I am doing that thing first thing in the morning," and then do it.

You will find that when you start setting yourself tasks (Te) that your Ne starts working properly again -- it will become more focused, less hazy, and more interested in what you can contribute, rather than just mindless "consuming." It's fine to have a down day now and again (even so, it's also useful to have a vague idea the night before of what this day will contain, even if it's fun -- it's fun and exciting to anticipate things) but your life NEEDS structure, or you won't do anything.

I hope you can pull yourself out of this, because you won't be happy unless you do. ENFPs need to get things done, contribute, feel like they are moving forward, and have something to show for their time. Without it, they will get angry at themselves -- as you well know.

#question #mbti #enfp #depression #self growth #spiritual development

41 notes · View notes

tinisprout · 3 years

Text

No Doubt in Us

Chapter Seven - They'll Be Fine *written chapter below*

Fiance!Haknyeon x Fem!reader

Masterlist | Prev | Next

Synopsis: Life is great, you have your dream job, you finally got your first big break, and you are now engaged to the love of your life. Happier than you’ve ever been, you live life one day at a time. Then one day a terrible accident happens leaving you in a coma. Where you finally awake, everything is not as you remember. Amnesia takes away 3 years of your memory, forgetting your beloved Fiance. Faced with a reality that seems unreal, as your mind is stuck in a past with uncomfortable memories, your future with him is uncertain.

Send me an ask if you want to be put on the taglist for this series

Taglist:@my-summer-night @deputyjuyeon @juhaktheoneforme @sunqnew

Sorry for the late chapter I've been very busy

Word count: 3.6K

Neither of you knew who fell asleep first, let alone at what time you fell asleep. What you did know is that it wasn't enough sleep. Both of your eyes were red and heavy after waking up by your alarm. Maybe setting it to 9:30 was a mistake. You look at Haknyeon who was sitting up trying to keep his eyes open.

"You know I love you, but I blame you for this." He uses his hands to refer to both of you.

"Excuse me, if I remember correctly we both were tweeting, Diamonds aren't forever lyrics." Bickering like this with him seemed to be so far away before yesterday, but after talking with him last night you felt a lot closer, he felt like a friend.

"Ugh fine, equal blame." He smirked, enjoying this little banter. You get up from the floor hitting your face to wake you up a bit more.

"Better." You reach your hand out to him, and he takes it pulling himself up. "Alright, clean up time." You swipe your phone off the ground checking to see if there was anything new. Just in time, your phone buzzed a new message from your mom.

Mom: Hey Honey, I know we said we'd come over noonish, but your father got very excited to make something for you guys. He already bought everything, so forewarning. We'll be there in an hour give or take. See you soon.

You turn to Haknyeon showing him the message. When he looked back up at you, you asked, "Since when did my dad cook?"

"Hmm, maybe a year now?" He says almost unsure of it himself. "But that's a story for later, your dad will love to tell you. We have about an hour to get this place in order before they come." You text her an, “ok”, back.

"Okay, let's get some speed cleaning done." You both work together to fold the big comforter. "I'll bring everything back upstairs." Haknyeon nods at you.

"I'll take care of the kitchen area," he calls out to you. You felt a little bad, you left a lot of dishes there. I'll just work faster so I can do other things. The sounds of clinking dishes and shuffling feet filled the house, both doing various tasks around their home. When they were finally satisfied with their work they both went to sit down on the couch to rest.

As if cursed preventing you from resting, a knock came from the door, making you both stand up again. You check your phone, 10:53 a.m. a little over an hour from the time your mom said. You both scurry to the door. You could hear the familiar voice of your mother conversing with your father, it brought a smile to your face. It felt like it had been such a long time since you last saw them, and maybe that was the case, you weren’t sure. Still, you opened the door eagerly for them.

“Mom,” you say with a big smile on your face. You see that she is carrying bags in her arms and you take them from her, ushering her inside. “Come in.” Following behind her was your father with bags in his hands as well, “Dad.” You set the bags down and your father does the same.

Everyone except Haknyeon was crowding the entranceway. You looked at your parents, they seemed a little bit older than the image you had of them in your memories, and you felt your throat tighten. When they looked at you, they scanned you from head to toe, touching your face, lifting your arms, making sure you were really okay. Their actions make you chuckle, “I’m okay, I promise,” you say trying to reassure them. Their baby girl was really okay.

“You’re okay,” Your mother wraps you in a hug, “It’s okay, you’ll be okay, honey. I promise.” Your words being thrown back at you like that made tears prick your eyes. You brought one of your arms around your mother and your other hand reached out and tugged your father’s shirt urging him to join you two. Creating this group hug the three of you had a tearful reunion, saying I love and I miss yous to each other.

Despite how close he was to your parents he still felt like it wasn’t his place to be there in your moment, so he waited patiently by the side, smiling at the happy little family reunion. Your father pulled away looking and looked in Haknyeon’s direction while wiping away the tears forming at the corners of his eyes. “Come here, son. You’re part of this family too.” Haknyeon was shocked by your father’s words.

Regardless of how close he was to your family, this moment felt like it was too personal to be a part of, especially with how things are now, so he hesitated to come closer. You and your mother pulled away from each other and she looked to Haknyeon as well. “It’s okay, Dear. Don’t act like a stranger.” As she said that, your mother spread her arms out, welcoming him. Your parents looking at him as one of their own, Haknyeon felt overwhelmed with emotions. They looked so sincere to him and he couldn’t deny them, so he came to them as they wished.

“It must have been hard on you too.” The three embraces and Haknyeon felt a different kind of comfort compared to his friends’ comfort. This parental comforting feeling that he didn’t know he was craving. Since the whole incident, he didn’t tell his mom about a single thing, he knew she already had a lot on her plate, he didn’t want to stress her out. Tears pooled in his eyes, your parents could feel his shoulders tremble and their hearts broke.

Crying the stress away felt so much relief and gratitude for your parents. Haknyeon thanks them and everyone takes a moment to clean themselves up, wiping away the tears, this peaceful calm now over the room. You and Haknyeon both take the bags your parents brought and lead them further into the house, dropping the bags off in the kitchen. “So, Haknyeon said I should ask you guys about Dad cooking. Why is that suddenly your thing?” You ask, bringing in a topic that should be a happy conversation.

Your parents hum at the same time thinking. “It’s definitely because of Haknyeon,” your mother says while nodding her head.

“It was when we came over. You are your mother went to go get something, so you left the task of cooking to Haknyeon,” your father chimes after. You look to Haknyeon and he nods confirming your father’s answer.

“I had your dad help out a little here and there. I think he first got interested in the seasoning process.” Haknyeon smiled as he thought back on the old memory. Your father and Haknyeon recounted their first cooking experience together, many laughs filled the house. Then your mother piped up at the end of the story looking at you.

“Needless to say when we got back home, take-out needed to be ordered. Whatever scaps they salvaged was not enough to feed the four of us.”

“I was lucky your mother let me touch a stove again, let alone walk in the kitchen.” Your father passes a playful smile to your mother.

“That’s right, you’re lucky that the scraps you offered were not that bad. Now that I think about it that was Haknyeon’s doing, wasn’t it?” She teases him and your father feigns sadness.

“It hurts me that you would think that way, Dear.” This familiar banter between your parents brought a smile to your face, they were still as in love with each other as you had always seen them. Your eyes subconsciously moved to Haknyeon, a smile still holding on to your face. You didn’t expect to see Haknyeon's eyes already on you, the corner of his lips lifted, your eyes went wide. Haknyeon, as if caught doing something bad looks aways, but realizing how silly he must look, his eyes found their way back to you.

He gave you a bashful smile and you tittered at the display. The moment is broken up by your mother motions you over to her. "Well you boys can have fun cooking together again, I need to catch up with my daughter."

"Have fun, Ladies. We'll call you if we're done here before you." Your father shooed you away from the kitchen and took your spot by Haknyeon. You and your mom decided to go out to the back porch, taking a seat at the small table set up you had.

"So, honey, how have you been lately?" You sigh.

"I have been better, but I'm working on it."

"And what about you and Haknyeon?"

"It was a little difficult at first, but we decided to try and work it out. He seems really nice and he is fun to talk to, but I don't know if I can fall in love again, it's all feels so sudden.”

“That’s understandable. We love Haknyeon, but if you feel he isn’t right for you anymore, don’t be afraid to say so. We’ll be here for you no matter what.”

“I know, I think falling for someone like him would be nice, but life isn’t that easy.” Knowing how your relationship was with Haknyeon, she thought it was almost impossible that you wouldn’t come to love him again, but she kept her mouth shut. That was something you needed to figure out on your own, she didn’t want you to feel like you had to be with him, even if that’s what she hoped for.

“What about your friends how have they been fairing with this?”

“We’re good, I think. They are understanding about everything even the ones I don’t remember. They seem like good people.”

“You always had good taste in friends, if Chanhee is any indication of that.” You release a deep sigh, feeling your soul shrivel up at the thought of Chanhee. Your mother looks at you with confusion, “What happened?”

“We got into a little argument.”

“Some things just never change do they,” She chuckles. Watching the both of you grow up she witnessed some of your fights and had sometimes been the one to help you two patch things up. “You’ll be fine,” she really wasn’t worried, the two of you always found a way to make up.

“Yeah, I’ll work on it.” The conversation veers off from its current direction. The two of you talked about what you could and couldn’t remember. She told you about stories of yourself she could recall, and then some stuff about her and your father. There didn’t seem to be a big change with them and that brought comfort to you, knowing that some things were still the same as you remembered.

Meanwhile, inside the house, the two men were cooking. Your father was instructing Haknyeon on how they were going to make lunch. When the cutting proceeded, your father spoke up first.

“So, have the two of you made any decisions yet?” it was a sudden question but he could only assume he meant about the status of your relationship.

“Well it was a little complicated at first, but she said she wanted to try dating me again, so we kind of started our relationship over again.”

“You think you can make her love you again?”

“I- I’m trying to be hopeful. What she saw in me before, she can see again.”

“Personally, I don’t think you should worry that much. I’m not saying to not try and win her over, that will still take some work, but I can’t see her not falling in love with you again. Do you know how much happiness you brought her? I think you’re already set up for success, just don’t screw up.” With his last words, the knife he was using slammed into the cutting board with a loud thud, cutting through a carrot and the cut-off piece went flying.

“Please be careful,” Haknyeon says as he picks up the carrot piece and throwing it away.

“That was an accident, I was distracted.” He stops trying to cut and looks a Haknyeon. “But on the off chance that things don’t turn out good and she decides that she can’t love you, through no fault of your own, then just know whoever she picks after, I won’t like them as much as you. You’re like the son I never had.” Nothing like a little dark humor to lighten the mood.

“Thank you, Sir.” Haknyeon felt sheepish at his words, even though it wasn’t the first time he’s said something like that. Light-hearted small talk continued as the two continued prepping, besides the one mistake in the beginning the cooking process goes on without a hitch. Soon enough the house filled with a tantalizing smell. When all is done, your father goes outside to call you can your mother back for food.

When you finally come back inside with your mother you are greeted with the sight of Haknyeon contentedly setting the table for everyone with care. Your eyes lingered on him, looking at the half-smile to yourself, His smile is nice. It gives him a friendly endearing look and you didn’t notice you started smiling looking at him till your mother nudged your arm, dragging you back to reality from the daze you were in, giving you a knowing smile as she looks from you to Haknyeon and back. You turn away from her not saying anything feeling flustered at the realization of what you were doing and walk ahead of her. You could hear your mother snicker, this causes Haknyeon to look up at you then your mother and his smile grow.

“What’s so funny?” You felt your face heat up, Why did he have to look now?

“It’s nothing.” You try and hide your embarrassment with a smile and Haknyeon looks at you suspiciously before letting it go and telling you both to have a seat at the dinner table. Taking up the offer you sat and soon the table was set and everyone was seated. To your delight, the food looked, smelled, and tasted good. “My compliments to the chief,” you nod at your father approving of his cooking, and glance at Haknyeon in acknowledgment of his help.

“Careful, Honey. Don’t inflate your father’s ego too much now or he’ll start to think he’s better than me.” It’s true, it wasn’t as good as your mother’s cooking, but he had potential.

“Just you wait, I will be one day.” Your father shoots a stubborn glare at your mother, causing everyone to laugh. The meal warms you up from the inside and you stuff yourself with your first meal of the day. Thinking about that you realized two things: Haknyeon also didn’t eat before this and this is the first time you’ve had a meal with him, so you glance over at him, catching him mid-bite. If your eyes could they would have gone as big as when he opened his mouth to take a bite.

Haknyeon greedily shovels the food in his mouth and when he notices you staring, he stops mid spoon, mouth still agape. You bite on your top lip to stop yourself from laughing at the silly look he had. Sure, it was shocking to see him open his mouth like he was about to unhinge his jaw, but in its own, weird way, it’s cute and charming. Haknyeon just felt like he was embarrassing himself too much today. You mouth an apology and he pouts his lips a little, your small interaction going unnoticed by your parents as they were currently in their own world.

Lunch with your parents continues with light conversation and when everyone had their fill you started to help clean up, but your mother stops you.

“Thank you, but we got it. You and Haknyeon go take a rest for a bit we’ll be done soon.”

“You sure?” Both you and Haknyeon ask.

“Yeah, go, go.” For the second time today, you are shooed away in your own house. You went going to cross swords in helping since you felt your tiredness hit you again after eating. The two of you decided to take a seat on the couch, leaning back into the cushions and leaning your heads back. You felt this amazing comfort perfect for dozing off, you wonder if Haknyeon is feeling the same.

“It’s not just me, right? I feel so warm and sleepy now.”

“Hmm?” Way ahead of you already he was starting to doze off too and you smile.

“Sleepy?”

“Yeah…” You both can’t help but let sleep take over you despite the noise coming from the kitchen. When your parents finish cleaning up they call out to the two bodies on the couch, but neither answers. So your mother goes up to both of you and holds back a gasp. She waves your father over and the sight he is greeted to is you and Haknyeon leaning on each other.

As if unconsciously drawn to each other’s warmth, your head rests on his shoulder and his head was laying on the top of yours. Both pairs of legs lean towards each other.

“I was planning to stay here a little bit longer, but I think we should leave now.” Your mother whispers to your father. He nods and they get prepared to leave. Your mother left a note on the counter and your father decided to take a picture of the two of you, making sure to send it to Haknyeon. They leave both thinking the two of you will be just fine.

***

You stirred in your sleep state bringing yourself closer to the heat you felt beside you, but the movement brought pain to your neck and shoulders waking you up. Opening your eyes you lifted your head and felt a terrible stiffness, you realize your head was laying on Hakyneon’s shoulder. Not just that, but you were also in close proximity to each other, almost like you were cuddling. You look at Haknyeon checking if he was awake but all signs led to a no, eyes closed, as his head was leaned back on the couch in an uncomfortable-looking way, his lips parted slightly, chest rising and falling rhythmically. You admittedly feel a little weird being with him like that but it wasn’t bad, besides the pain you felt currently.

You carefully get off the couch so you don’t wake him up. You grab your phone from your pocket, checking the time, 6:48 pm. Surely your parents weren’t here still. You find the note left on the kitchen counter.

I remember you said you mentioning you were tired, so we decided we should just let you two sleep. Don’t feel bad about falling asleep on us, we had a lot of fun see you guys again. Take care.

Love Mom

You go back to Haknyeon on the couch, looking at the position of his head again. Figuring it would be better to wake him up now or else he would end up having a greater pain in his neck. Drawing closer to him you get a better look at his face, his skin was flawless, it looked even better than Chanhee’s skin. You get even closer for a better look and before you realize what you’re doing your fingers slide across his face cupping his cheek, skin just as soft as it looked. You lightly shake his face calling to him, “Haknyeon... Haknyeon, wake up.”

His eyes flutter open, a dazed look on his face, like at any moment he could go back to dreamland. His eyes focused on the visage in front of him, blurry yet he could still see the ever recognizable beauty that was you. His lips moved in an arc and he brought his hand up to your face cupping your cheek in the same way you did his. That is what brought you out of your trance and you were petrified in an instant. You felt your heart shoot up in your throat when you saw the loving gaze he directed at you while rubbing your cheek with his thumb.

This killing blow in it all is when he called you, “Hey, y/n,” with a deep husky voice that you were wholly unfamiliar with. You felt your face and neck heat up, with the intimacy of the situation. Does he realize what he is doing or is he still half asleep? You shot up from the couch not sure if you wanted to know the answer, stepping away quickly, trying to distance yourself from the state of affairs. Startled Haknyeon sits up snapping out of his daze.

“I- uh, sorry.” Haknyeon looked as confused as you were shocked.

“Did I just- I thought I was…. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.” He truly thought you were just in his dream, it was such a common occurrence that he didn’t think twice.

“No, I started it. it’s my fault.” He recalled the touch of your hand, that kind of contact made it feel almost as if nothing between the both of you changed. Neither of you knew what to say at the moment, so there was a bout of silence. You opened your mouth again after thinking of something to say, asking a question straight from left field, “Can you help me? I need to apologize to Chanhee.”

Masterlist | Prev | Next

20 notes · View notes

jenstar1992-2 · 3 years

Text

Heaven

Pairing: Echo X Reader

Warnings: Some language, insinuations of sexual activities (I don’t know if that’s the right wording necessarily, but there it is), mentions of nightmares, loss, and grieving.

Word Count: 3,836

A/N: So, I'm not sure what all devices in the Star Wars universe are called, and in order to not sound completely inept, I decided to just describe the devices' functions instead of naming them and seeing as I've never come across some of these types of devices in Star Wars, I figured this was the best way to go. I hope that makes sense. Also, I have added a lyric video below for reference. I was initially going to just link an already existing lyric video for the song, but then I just decided to make one instead, using some visuals that better fit the content. Which then meant I had to create a Youtube channel just to upload the thing and link it here, because it wouldn’t let me upload directly from my laptop. 🤷🏼‍♀️ So that's there if anyone wants it, and I now have a Youtube channel for my longer edits.

It was one of those nice, quiet evenings, the kind you didn't get very often ever since you started working with The Bad Batch. They weren't necessarily the rowdiest bunch of clones you'd met, but they did seem to always find a way to interrupt you and your boyfriend's alone time.

It seemed like every time you and Echo found a quiet moment where it was just the two of you, one, if not the whole lot, of them would come barging in out of nowhere, needing something or another. Although, you were pretty sure Wrecker just did it because he thought it was funny to annoy you, and knowing that fact only annoyed you more, but you'd let it slide, always reassuring yourself that there would be a next time, one that wouldn't be intruded upon. It seemed that tonight was one of those times, seeing as the four commandos were off gathering supplies at the nearby village of the planet you were temporarily taking residence on, and you were planning on making the most of it while you could.

It didn't take you long to locate your boyfriend, despite your first impressions the Havoc Marauder was not that big of a craft, so there were only so many places he could be. You found him in the communal sleeping quarters, sitting on the bunk you two shared, datapad in hand reading something or another, as usual. You had been given your own bunk, but after your first week with the group, you realized that you preferred to just sleep together. You both had a little trouble sleeping and found that sleeping in one another's embrace seemed to keep the nightmares at bay and gave you both a much more restful sleep.

You walked over and sat beside him, sliding your arms around his middle and holding him as you rested your head on his shoulder. He chuckled and wrapped the nearest arm around you, keeping you close as he continued to read.

You smiled and let out a contented sigh. Moments like this were rare alright, which is what made you appreciate them more when they did occur. It was just nice to be able to have a sweet moment with your love without a joke being made, or the always popular, "Get a room" comment.

"Would love to", you'd say, "Only problem is, it just so happens to be everyone's room."

"Damn, doesn't that bite the big one", would come Crosshair's snide remark, as he shook his head, mocking you like the snarky ass he was.

It was a good thing that deep down you really did like these guys, or you would've kicked some asses long ago.

You reveled in this quiet moment for a while longer before peeking at the datapad in his hand and asking, "So, what are you reading this time, anything interesting, or just more boring rule books?"

He laughed and shook his head. "You know, I don't just read reg manuals", he responded, turning his head to give you a smirk.

You shrugged. "I know, but you definitely read them a lot more than anyone else I know. I'm not even sure if some of the boys have ever read them actually."

He laughed again and you smiled at the sound. "Well, I'd like to think I've been branching out more lately with my literary escapades. I'm at least trying to be more fun, wouldn't want your book worm of a boyfriend boring you to death", he said, leaning into you with a light shove before straightening up again.

You chuckled and held him a bit tighter. "Yeah, you're a book worm alright, but you’re my book worm, and you’re not boring love, far from it", you said as you pulled your head from his shoulder to meet his gaze.

His eyes softened as he looked into yours, silently thanking you for the praise. He leaned his face to yours and kissed you lovingly, and with so much softness it almost hurt when he pulled away.

You just gazed into each other's eyes for a minute before you remembered why you'd come to find him in the first place.

You unwrapped your arms from around him. "Speaking of trying to be more fun, I have something fun we could do", you said with a bright smile.

He eyed you curiously. "Oh yeah, what did you have in mind?"

You rose from the bunk to stand in front of him, grabbing the datapad from his flesh hand and tossing it on the pillow beside him, taking the now empty hand and his cybernetic one in yours and pulling him to his feet.

"You are going to indulge your girlfriend, who's been waiting all day for this mind you, with a dance", you replied, smile still taking over your features.

He cocked an eyebrow, as if your response surprised him. "Huh, definitely not what I thought you were going to say", he said.

"And what did you think I was going to say", you asked with a smirk as you went to your original bunk above your shared one and pulled out a small electronic device, typing away on it, searching for something.

"Well, I, um... I thought, uh...", Echo stammered, as he rubbed the back of his neck, still searching for the right words. He cleared his throat before saying, "Uh, nothing, nothing, so a dance, huh?"

You shook your head and chuckled at his nervous behavior, you knew exactly what he thought you'd meant, but you weren't going to embarrass him any further.

"Yes, a dance", you replied, finding the audio file you'd been searching for and pulling it up. You then connected the device to the small amplifying device on the table across the room.

"That sounds nice cyare, but I don't know how to dance", he confessed shyly.

You smiled and looked to him. "Then I'll teach you", you told him, pressing on the file to play it and setting the device back on the bed.

As the soft music filled the room, you walked to your now flustered looking boyfriend, taking him by the hand and then slowly guiding him to take your hips. He didn't hesitate to do so, and as he rested his hands on you, and you placed yours around his neck, a light blush rose on his cheeks. He always got like this when you two did anything even remotely intimate. It baffled you that after this long of being together, and after doing much more than this, that he'd be this worked up over, what you saw as, a simple act. But maybe it wasn't so simple to him, maybe the years of touch deprivation had him craving it more than you realized, and add the emotion behind the action, the love you felt transferring between the two of you in something as small as a glance, and you could understand his reaction. This realization had you thanking whatever powers at be for bringing you two together, allowing you to be that person for him, because it was truly a gift, one you wouldn't take for granted.

You began to slowly sway your body from side to side, coaxing him to follow your movements. As you both found the right pace and swayed in time to the song's slow rhythm, you listened to the words being sung and let your mind wander, the words bringing memories to the surface of your consciousness.

Oh, thinkin' about our younger years,

There was only you and me,

We were young and wild and free.

You remembered when you'd first met Echo, back when he was a new addition to the 501st. A young trooper, who's dream was to one day receive ARC statues. You had become fast friends, and after only a few months it was clear that your friendship had grown into something more. It was obvious you two had feelings for each other, the only people who were blind to this were you and Echo. A problem that was soon remedied by his brother, Fives, who had all but forced Echo to admit how he felt to you, which he did, albeit, with quite a bit of struggle on his part, the poor guy could barely get his words out. Luckily, you had caught on to what he was trying to say, and took pity on him, deciding to take this opportunity to tell him that you felt the same.

You still remember the look of surprise on his face at your confession, he hadn't believed it at first, but when you plucked up the courage to grab him by the chest plate and pull him into a tender kiss, he knew you weren't lying, and this had his heart soaring.

Now nothing can take you away from me.

We've been down that road before,

But that's over now.

You keep me comin' back for more.

After the battle to defend Kamino, Echo had finally gotten what he'd been working so hard to achieve, he had been promoted to ARC Trooper, and you couldn't have been happier for him. You remember him coming into your station of the hangar to tell you the good news.

You'd been working on fixing up some loose wiring on a transport ship when you were suddenly lifted from the ground and the world spun around you. After a moment of disorientation, you found your bearings and stared up at the culprit, only to find your boyfriend beaming down at you.

"Woah, where's the fire", you asked in jest.

"No fire, just have some good news", he responded, still smiling wide.

"Oh, ok then, spill."

"We did it", he said simply.

"Umm, ok, who did what exactly", you asked, furrowing your brows in confusion.

"Fives and I, we're being made ARC Troopers", he said, his chest puffing out a bit with pride.

"What, that's great", you practically shouted, and pulled him into a tight embrace. "I knew you could do it; you've worked so hard, you deserve this. I'm so happy for you, you're finally getting your dream."

He squeezed you tighter. "Thank you, and thank you for always believing in me, even when I didn't", he said quietly.

You pulled back to look at him before speaking. "I'll always believe in you Echo. Always and forever."

That was your thing, the mantra of your relationship, if you will, "I'll love you always and forever". This was because you both believed it to be true. Neither one of you could see yourselves falling for anyone else or loving another the way you did each other.

“Always and forever cyare”, he said, smiling softly at you, “And now I can focus on my other dream.”

You gave him confused look. “Other dream, what’s your other dream”, you asked.

His smile grew as he leaned in to speak low in your ear. “You”, he said, making your stomach do a somersault.

You knew it would be difficult, but you two wanted to plan a future together, and spend whatever time you had left together making a family and living a quiet, happy life. Once this miserable war was over, that's exactly what you were going to do.

Unfortunately, things don't always work out the way we want them to, and your dreams of a peaceful life with your beloved were shattered when the day came that the 501st returned from their mission on Lola Sayu, minus an ARC Trooper.

Oh, once in your life you'll find someone,

Who will turn your world around,

Pick you up when you're feelin' down.

Now nothing can change what you mean to me.

There's a lot that I could say,

But just hold me now.

Fives had been the one to give you the dreadful news and had stayed to help you through the initial shock and pain of it all. He had been ready for the inevitable tears he knew would come and did they ever. You couldn't remember a time before that, where you had cried with as much vigor or to the extent that you had, when shedding tears for your lost love.

I've been waiting for so long,

For somethin' to arrive,

For love to come along.

Time seemed to pass by agonizingly slow, as you tried to regain some semblance of normalcy in your life. Having both lost the person you held dear, you and Fives had found a new understanding for one another, and subsequently formed a close bond. He was the friend you desperately needed, just as you were for him. So, when you eventually lost him as well, you were beside yourself with grief.

Instead of wallowing in your sorrow, like you wanted to, you decided to throw yourself into your work, trying desperately to keep yourself busy, so as to not give yourself time to think of what you had lost. This worked most of the time, but there were always those times when something would remind you of them, a laugh that was just too close to the one you remembered, or a smile from a kind trooper that hit too close to home. Then there were those nights where you would wake from a nightmare and reach out beside you for a comforting hand, only to find empty space, those times were the hardest. It took everything you had inside you to just keep on going, because you knew that they wouldn't have wanted you to give up, so you carried on, even when it hurt.

Now our dreams are comin' true,

Through the good times and the bad,

I'll be standin' there by you.

It had been a year since the mission on Lola Sayu, a year of you trying to get on with your life, and forget the past, because remembering only caused you more pain. But life has a funny, if not sadistic, way of turning on its head and changing your course when you least expect it, because soon after that year mark, you received the news you never thought you'd get.

"He's alive", Rex said, eyes boring into yours, trying to get you to believe what he was telling you, but you weren't about to give in that easily.

"What you're saying is impossible, both you and Fives told me you saw him die at the citadel, and now you're telling me he miraculously survived. I'm not buying it, and I don't appreciate you trying to get my hopes up, just so they can be ripped back down once you're proven wrong", you said, with more venom in your voice than you had intended.

"I know I'm right on this one, (Y/N). I heard him, it was Echo's voice on that transmission, I'm sure of it", he reiterated, desperate for you to listen, or to at least consider it to be true.

"I'm sorry Rex, but I just can't believe what you're saying. I can't take another blow, I just can't, because if I do, I fear I won't make it out the other side this time" you said as tears began to fill your eyes.

Rex placed a comforting hand on your shoulder. "I understand, but I promise you, I'm telling the truth, Echo is alive, and I'm going to bring him home, I'm going to bring him back to you", he said, with so much conviction that you almost believed him, almost.

"Don't make promises you can't keep", you told him despondently.

He looked you in the eye, a determined expression on his face. "I intend to keep this one", he said, and he did.

No more than two days later, the team sent on the rescue mission to Skako Minor returned, with Echo.

You couldn't believe your eyes when Rex took you to see him in the med bay. He was different, that was for sure, but he was still Echo, he was still the man you loved, and you were just glad he was home.

And Baby you're all that I want,

When you're lying here in my arms,

I'm finding it hard to believe,

We're in heaven.

During his first mission, after being back, he had proven to still be the loyal soldier he had always been and had unofficially been dubbed the "Hero of Anaxes" for his brave actions.

After this mission he had also been extended the invitation to join The Bad Batch by their sergeant, which he wanted to accept, but not if it meant leaving you behind. So, Echo convinced the commandos that having a mechanic around wouldn't be such a bad idea, and they agreed.

That's how you ended up here, the mechanic onboard the Havoc Marauder, who was currently being held in the arms of the person she loved most in this galaxy, swaying to the soft music filling the air around them, in total bliss.

Love is all that I need,

And I found it there in your heart.

It isn't too hard to see,

We're in heaven.

Your head had been resting against Echo's chest, as you listened to the steady heartbeat beneath it. You never wanted this moment to end, and by the way he was holding you, without any indication of ever letting go, you were pretty sure he felt the same.

You lifted your head to look up at him, while keeping yourself flush against him, needing the contact to silently remind yourself that he was still here, he was with you. Something you still had a hard time believing from time to time, but it was real, he was here, and you were never letting go.

It had been some time since Anaxes, not a tremendous amount, but enough time where you could see a noticeable change in your boyfriend's appearance. He had filled out more and looked a lot less gaunt than he had initially upon his return. His color had improved as well, not fully, but with enough time, you were sure, he'd regain his copper glow. His hair was the other noticeable change, it had started to grow out again, and while it hadn't gotten to the length it was, there was enough where you could easily run your fingers through it, as you often did, absentmindedly.

This thought caused your hand to move of its own accord and slot itself amongst the short curls adorning his head. He gave a contented sigh as you started mindlessly running your fingers over his scalp, scratching lightly, and he leaned into your touch as his eyes closed, this always relaxed him.

After a moment, he opened his eyes to look at you, a soft smile taking shape over his features, before lowering his head to rest it against yours, both of you shutting your eyes to revel in the moment.

We're in heaven.

The music faded and soon the room fell silent. You both ceased your swaying but continued to stay in the embrace.

After what felt like an eternity, but had only been a few seconds, you broke the silence and said, "I love you Echo."

He smiled and replied, "I love you (Y/N). Always and forever."

You gave a smile of your own, the words bringing you back to those early days of your relationship, when anything was possible, and your future was bright. It could be that way again, now that you were together again, nothing was impossible.

"Always and forever", you echoed back.

With that, he closed the small gap between you and brought you into a passionate kiss.

Everything that had gone unspoken was expressed in this kiss; all the love and adoration that had built between you two over the years, all the pain that you both endured during your separation, all the missed time, and the promise that you would never be parted again, and that you would continue to strive for the future you two had planned so long ago. You were happier than you'd ever been and nothing could ruin this moment.

Suddenly, as if the universe itself wanted to prove you wrong, the door slid open and in walked all four commandos, with Wrecker in the lead.

"See, I told ya we'd find them doin' some sappy stuff", Wrecker said in his booming voice, effectively breaking your quiet moment, and your kiss, which in turn, pissed you off.

You both gave an annoyed sigh before turning to face the men. You crossed your arms over your chest and gave your best scowl in their direction, which only caused Wrecker to laugh. He'd so be getting an ass kicking later.

"Let's just be glad we didn't walk in on something... more intimate", Crosshair said, eyeing the both of you while giving a sly grin.

You let out an annoyed huff. "Yeah, you wish", you retorted, which only earned you a chuckle from the sniper. Okay, add another one to the "people who need an ass kicking" list. "I think you're both just jealous", you said, trying to make it sound snarky.

"Of this guy", Wrecker asked as he walked over, clapping his hand down on Echo's shoulder. "Damn straight, I mean, he’s got a bombshell for a girlfriend, how could we not be, he's one lucky bastard", he said, although you couldn't quite tell if he was being sarcastic or not. Either way it ticked you off, but before you could throw the punch you had geared up for, Echo pulled you to him, holding you securely against him and effectively blocking your way to the giant commando.

"Easy cyare, no need for bloodshed, and besides, he has a point", he said, leaning in and lowering his voice, "I am a very lucky man."

You shook your head at him but couldn't help the grin that formed at his words.

"Okay, that's enough boys, let's give the happy couple some privacy shall we. Besides, Wrecker, it's your turn to make dinner", Hunter interrupted, giving his brother a stern look.

"Oh man, again, I thought I just did that", Wrecker grumbled.

"You did, when it was your turn last week", Tech told him matter-of-factly.

Wrecker made a noise of aggravation before leaving the room, mumbling incoherently in displeasure. The other two followed him out, as you gave Hunter a thankful smile before he nodded and made his exit, letting the door slide shut behind him.

You turned back to Echo, who still had you in his embrace.

"So, where were we", you inquired, a soft smile back on your face.

He feigned ponderment. "Hmm, I believe we were right about...", he began, and suddenly pulled you close enough that your noses were touching, "Here", he finished, his smile widening before bringing you in for another heated kiss. You melted into it and fell into another state of bliss.

You stayed like that for another long moment, as the world faded around you. Wrapped in a loving embrace, engaged in an impassioned kiss, and lost in your own personal heaven.

undefined

youtube

#echo x reader #echo x fem reader #echo x y/n #song fic #arc trooper echo #corporal echo #heaven #dj sammy #clone troopers #star wars x reader #clone wars x reader #star wars #star wars the clone wars #fanfiction #fluff

72 notes · View notes