#I’m just scared cause it’s my first time and tired cause school/neg | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

s-brant · 3 years

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Baby Names

(gif: @mishellejones) (SERIES MASTERLIST)

Summary: Y/N gets frustrated while putting the crib for her and JJ’s baby together and finds herself missing her dead brother more than ever.

Word Count: 2.2k

Warnings: Fluff and minor angst.

A/N: Asks and ye shall receive, here’s a little blurb about what happens after Tokens! You don’t really have to read the other parts to enjoy this fic if you don’t want to, but I do recommend it for some backstory. This was slightly inspired by this fic by @cognacdelights, so go give her stuff a read! Let me know if you liked this. Have fun!

Y/N Routledge thought she got over her brother's death long ago.

Though you never truly "get over" losing a loved one, though there will always be a small part of you, however small, that aches for their presence again, she thought she moved past the tragedy to the best of her ability...until last week.

To say that the pregnancy was a surprise would be the understatement of the century. She and JJ were both on the same page about children when their relationship began, and that page was that neither of them wanted them yet. Sure, the idea of it in the future stirred their hearts with fond emotion, but considering that they had yet to graduate high school and barely scraped by on their own, they weren't jumping headfirst into that aspect of adulthood.

They were meticulous about safe sex. They couldn't afford another mouth to feed, she wasn't sure she could handle the emotional trauma of having an abortion, and, underneath it all, he had some reservations about being a father. It wasn't that he didn't envision a future with kids in their relationship, he did, but the topic of fatherhood always took him down a dark path within his mind.

So, she went on birth control once they started dating and they went along with no scares for the next six years as they graduated and started figuring out what the next step for their lives was going to be.

Y/N could get lost thinking about it, honestly, but she tries not to get too swept up in the minor mistake that led to this.

"You, my friend, need to stop moving around in there," she whispers down at her protruding belly with a hand cradling the heavy weight of it, "I'm trying to get your crib set up without JJ yelling at me for not asking for help, and if you don't stop kicking me, I'm not gonna get anything done."

She's sprawled out on the floor in the living room of the Chateau with her legs stretched comfortably in each direction while she hunches over to read the directions of the Ikea furniture. The sugarcoated description makes her want to hunt down the company CEO for sport, because for how "simple and easy!" the construction of it claims to be, she is at her wits end.

The last thing she needed after having her grief over John B's death reignited by their decision to name their kid after him last week was to stress herself out over something as stupid as this, but she won't quit. With how much JJ has been coddling her the further into the pregnancy she gets, she wanted to prove that she could do something for herself.

Whenever she brings in the groceries from the car and goes to lift the bag of dog kibble out of the trunk, he rushes up behind her back and scoops it out of the trunk before she dares to touch it. It always ends with her hollering after him that it's under twenty pounds, the upwards limit of the weight she's allowed to carry according to her doctor, but he refuses to hear any of it.

Inside of her, she feels a sharp sensation of something hitting her right in the ribs in response to her comment, and she groans in frustration. It's as if he did it because he knows she wants it to stop, the feisty little fucker.

"You're definitely your daddy's son, aren't you? It's already enough having one of him, the last thing I need is a JJ clone."

Their three-year-old Rottweiler rescue huffs a sigh from where he lays, frog-legging it, on the floor next to the unboxed crib pieces she can't put together to save her life. His drooping jowls produce a puddle of slobber on the her favorite carpet that is past the point of saving from his constant wear and tear. After a year of having him, she decided to stop trying to prevent him from ruining it. There’s no point.

She smiles at him as she leans forward to read through the directions for the billionth time, saying, "I actually think he'll be a lot like his uncle, but that's just me. If he isn't, I'll feel a little stupid over the name situation."

John Booker Routledge-Maybank.

Hell of a name if you ask her yourself, but for every internal struggle it reopened inside of her, she couldn't help but love it as soon as JJ casually proposed the idea on his way out of the door for work one morning.

Going on without John B has been a learning experience in every aspect. Any time she wanted to turn to him for advice or tell him something about the recent events in her life, she had to walk out back to their dying magnolia tree and sit under the shade to talk to the wind. Then, once the tree finally died and they were forced to cut it down, she took to sitting on its stump and doing it there.

It got easier as time went on, but she can't keep herself from wondering what it'd be like if he didn't die ever since she saw the results on the pregnancy test six months ago. Whenever she does something like going to her OBGYN appointments or, case in point, setting up the crib, she pictures him there.

She can see him here now, petting Bowie's shiny coat until he falls asleep with his head propped onto John B's outstretched legs. He'd be twenty-three years old by now with his life barely starting to blossom to its full potential, yet here they are. Correction, here she is, and he's off somewhere at the bottom of the ocean, already decomposed to the extent that not even his bones can be salvaged anymore.

Her chest sinks in another sigh, and she flips through page after page of the instructions with increasing aggression.

"This crib is so fucking—"

"What are you doing?"

The sound of her yelping in surprise at JJ's voice coming from the door is enough to make him laugh to himself, though his amusement is buried partway by what he's walking in on. He specifically asked her to wait for him to put the crib together, knowing damn well it wouldn't be the easy task she thought it was, but he should've known she'd do it anyway.

She looks over her shoulder with a mixture of guilt and frustration painting her features as she throws her hands up in the air and gestures vaguely to the unassembled crib. Her eyes are shining with the rapid onset of hormone-induced tears.

"I can't put this crib together 'cause the instructions aren't right, all the pieces are labeled wrong, your son won't stop kicking me, and I miss my brother so much right now," she spews the words with no pauses to breathe until the very end, when she stops short to suck down a breath as soon as she gets the last part out.

It leaves JJ standing at the entrance to the house with this stunned expression.

There's no amusement to be found anymore. Once she turned and flashed those wide, teary eyes that never fail to spark an ache in his heart at him, his tired smile vanished and his feet started moving before he could say anything to her.

The floorboards creak beneath his half-laced boots on his way across the room to her. It prompts Bowie to pop his head up from around the side of the coffee table to catch a peek of whoever it is that's approaching his emotionally distraught owner. Upon seeing JJ's familiar face, the dog relaxes back into his lounging position atop the carpet and tracks JJ’s movements until he's seated next to her.

"This is about John B?" he asks.

Her cheeks are flushed in embarrassment at her sudden outburst, and she can't bear to meet his gaze right now. Despite him being her closest friend and husband, she feels as small and vulnerable as she did six years ago when she first learned of her brother's death from Shoupe. Time might as well be shaped in the form of a never-ending circle for them, directing them back to their seventeen-year-old state of mind every time things turn sour.

Y/N finally lifts her hanging head to look over at him after another few seconds and thinks she might crumble at the look on his face. He hates watching her cry.

"I guess," she says through a sniffle, "It's about the crib too, but I've been thinking about it a lot more since we picked the name. Our baby’s gonna grow up never knowing who his uncle was..."

With that, JJ takes it as his cue to pull her closer.

He scoots up behind her and lets his chin rest on the curve bridging her neck and shoulder together as he twines his arms around her body. It's a closeness that's as natural as breathing for him, so natural that he can hardly remember the years before it became normal for them to take part in little moments of intimacy like this. The warmth of their bodies cohabitates in the blurred line distinguishing where she ends and he begins, and he feels her relax, sagging in his embrace in appreciation of his miraculous ability to make her feel better no matter how worked up she is.

One of his hands rests on the swell of her bump in an absentminded effort to calm him too. Even though he isn't consciously thinking of it, he knows that her distress must upset the baby too. The contact steadies her, keeps her grounded to the moment rather than allowing her to slip away into the current of her negative thoughts, and she clings to every word he has to say.

He says, "You and I both know that isn’t true. He's gonna grow up seeing all the pictures you have of John B and ask about him all the time. And we'll tell him all the stories"—there's a pause of contemplation as he recalls a few particularly non-PG memories of his best friend—"Well, maybe not all of them, but you know what I mean."

This draws a soft bout of laughter from deep within her chest that he feels with how her body shakes ever so slightly with it. It seems so wrong to laugh with tears in her eyes but she can't help it. Her emotions have been scattered in every direction since the pregnancy began, and it has only gotten worse the further along she gets.

"If you ever tell him about the kief incident, I'm never giving you a bl—"

His free hand smushes over her mouth before she can say the rest.

"Don't even think about finishing that sentence.”

It's said so frantically, it makes her erupt in laughter hard enough to tickle her abdomen muscles with the aching sensation of it. The vibration of it under his palm makes him drop his hand a second later with the need to hear the beautiful sound. After seeing her cry, it's a welcome shift in mood, even if it's at his expense.

Her head is thrown back on his shoulder, mouth parted into a smile with the gleeful giggling filling the room. His stomach churns with butterflies at the sight of her. Even after all these years, he has the same reaction to her laughter every time. It makes him smile to himself and watch her in quiet reverence. It makes him ache with the same inklings of longing he felt for the first time when he was much younger.

Her laughter begins to die down by the time she can draw enough breath in to murmur a soft, "Sorry, angel," to him and reach down to hold the hand he rests on her belly as consolation for her joke.

They remain this way for another few minutes, tangled up in each other's arms on the floor of the living room with Bowie snoring a few feet away, before he manages to convince her to let him be the one to set up the crib instead. It takes a good five minutes of playful back and forth before she concedes under the condition that he'll let her paint the nursery by herself when the time comes, and that's all it takes for her to abandon the task in favor of finding something to snack on in the fridge.

In her defense, the crib is actually quite difficult to put together.

JJ doesn't consider himself an expert handyman by any means, at least not with anything outside of his area of expertise as an electrician, but he likes to think he knows enough to put together a "no assembly required" Ikea crib without wanting to bang his face against the wall.

In the end, it gets finished by the two of them in the middle of the night over a box of cold leftover pizza from the previous day. It takes them two hours of struggling before they get it fully assembled and placed where they want it in the room that'll soon belong to their son.

He pretends not to notice her sneaking back in to tie John B's old bandana around the wooden railing before they go to bed.

Tag List: @gabiatthedisco, @fangirlvoice, @black-syren, @apparrio, @particularcth, @planetdemon, @idk-ijustworkhere, @krisphann, @astrydis, @k-k0129, @zarahsloves, and @stilesflannels.

#jj maybank #jj maybank x reader #jj maybank smut #outer banks #obx #fanfiction #obx s2 #okay but ive been doing some thinking and i can formally declare that i think their song is call it what you want (by taylor swift)#it fits tbh

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marvelfansince08love · 3 years

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Hey Neighbour! - Part 8

Word Count: 3k

Pairing: Ally Mayfair-Richards x Reader

Warning: uhh some implications of sex

A/N: Hi, a big big sorry to you all on the late updates to this. I have no self control and have far too many WIP rn and keep forgetting to update this one as I’ve almost finished it! Happy reading! Apologise for any grammar/spelling mistakes x

Tags: @waitingfortheendtocome @natasha-danvers @creepingwolfberry @coconutlipss @saucy-sapphic @minavenable @pearplate @r0an0ke @mssallymckenna @grilledcheeseandguavajelly @venablemayfairgoode @chewbacca0805 @pluied-ete @supremeinlilac @nyx-aira @witchxaf @black--widxw @fireflyglass @cordeliafoxxe @d14n4ol @bluevelvetbitxh @amethyst-bitch @lezzzbehonesthere @msvenablezcane @citizenoftheworld-stuff-blog @mooreashes @violentwavesofem0tion @cordeliass @women-am-i-right @paulsonpills @goodeday2u @sm0ke-and-m1rr0rs @daisybri7

Hey Neighbour! - Part 8

You had avoided the Mayfair-Richards home for the past five days unable to face the woman you had fallen in love with. Old wounds and insecurities had opened up causing you to retreat from your neighbours, Amelia had also picked up on your change of mood which caused the guilt to amplify. The two young children still saw each other at school leading Amelia to mention how Oz had told her how sad his mother looked whenever she did the dishes at night, to anyone else they would have been bewildered by the statement but for you it was like a stab to the heart. Ally had tried to call and text you to ask if you were okay, your short texts back and actively declining calls must have given her the hint that you didn’t want to be contacted because after the first three days she stopped trying. You hated yourself for doing this to her but you couldn’t help but fall back into the familiar withdrawal habit whenever you felt this way, no matter who you hurt in the process.

“Mama, I’m finished!” Amelia announces, smiling proudly at her empty plate. You’re startled out of your thoughts as you look towards her matching her wide smile with a forced one. Your brother sits next to her as his eyes stay fixated on your form, concern evident within his gaze.

“Well done, Amelia-cakes! Why don’t you go wash your hands and brush your teeth for bed,” you instruct softly, watching as she nods and dashes out of the room. You quickly make eye contact with him as you lean forward keeping your voice low so to not alert Amelia of the intense situation..

“I wish you would stop looking at me like that,” you whisper harshly, he only shakes his head mutely before responding.

“I just don’t understand why you’re making yourself and her miserable, you clearly like each other a lot. Don’t ruin this just because you’re allowing your negative thoughts to take over,” his voice soft and gentle causing you to falter, expecting a harsher response. Sighing you relax back before taking a sip from the wine glass.

“Will you please help Amelia upstairs while I clean up here?” you ask instead, attempting to avoid the current topic of conversation. He sighs in defeat before dutifully leaving the room to find his niece.

You stand from your chair and collect the empty plates before moving towards the sink, as you begin to clean the dishes you notice a slightly dimmed light across the way causing you to tense, slowly you look up from your task and towards the light. Ally stands at her kitchen counter, even from here you can see how tired she looks causing that familiar guilt to creep up into your chest once more. She looks down for a few moments before placing a large piece of paper into the window, words written in black ink for you to read.

‘I think we need to talk’ The words cause you to gulp as you nod back before searching for some spare paper to write back on.

‘Garden in ten?’ you try to smile hoping to ease the situation but falter when she doesn’t return it and only nods back in acknowledgment.

Wiping your hands on a dry towel you hurriedly move upstairs to inform your brother of your plan, he reassures you that he’ll be fine with Amelia while you go to talk to Ally giving you an encouraging smile before shoving you back towards the staircase. Grabbing your thick jacket and shoes you make your way towards the front of Ally’s home, waiting patiently for her to let you in. Your breath catches in your throat as you take her in, the urge to reach out and hold her becoming stronger with each passing second, brown tired eyes scan your face before silently standing to the side allowing you to move in. You head straight for the kitchen and into the garden area sitting down in your usual spot, you wait for her to join you. A hot cocoa mug appears in front of your view causing you to smile sadly as you take it from her hands muttering a quick ‘thank you’. It’s quiet and dark out except for the porch light that glows above you, both sitting quietly as you take a sip of the hot drink.

“Ally I-”

“Why weren’t you honest with me? If there was something wrong you should have told me instead of practically falling off the face of the earth,” her statement catches you off guard, causing you to falter as you stare at the mug in your hand.

“After she left me and Amelia I was struggling for a while, I couldn’t cope with working and looking after a baby full time but I had this beautiful girl to look out for so she became my top priority over everything, my job, my friends. It took me years before I could trust others outside of my family to take care of her. I’m not good at having these healthy relationships that are good for me and I am so sorry that I’ve treated you this way, you deserve better than this,” you mutter, tears gathering within your blurred vision.

“I understand how hard it can be to trust people, I mean you know about Ivy and how she betrayed me, betrayed Oz. I get why you got scared when things were looking serious, I’ve had my moments with that too but Y/N I’m not like her and you aren’t like Ivy.” She pauses, collecting her thoughts before continuing.

“We are good people and I don’t think it was a coincidence that it was you who so happened to move in next door… that night after the fair apart from Oz I’ve never been so certain about anything in my life, I want to be with you and I want this to go somewhere but I need you to speak to me and be honest with me,” Ally tilts her head as if seeking your gaze before reaching across and grabbing your hand.

“I’m so so sorry, Ally. I should have spoken to you about my worries, I’m not used to someone caring. I just looked at how comfortable we all were in your kitchen that morning, how domestic it all was and my god I couldn’t have fallen further for you but my mind was screaming at me that if I allowed Amelia to become closer to you and you decided to leave… I can’t have another person walk out on her.. On me,” you stutter over your words as you feel your throat tighten, holding back a sob. Ally moves from her seat and crouches in front of you placing your mug onto the table she takes both your hands into her own, squeezing them with reassurance.

“I love you y/n. This week has been tortuous the amount of times I thought about walking over and forcing you to speak to me, but I knew you needed time to collect your thoughts. I may not have been obvious with it but I could tell something had spooked you that morning but please come and talk to me whenever you feel trapped into a corner, okay?” her dark brows arch, as she waits for your response. As you nod Ally reaches upwards and captures your salty lips with her own, her warm comforting hands cupping your face in place.

Tears continue to fall between you both as Ally presses gentle kisses along your jaw and cheeks seeking out that comforting touch, you realise that you were wrong. Ally isn’t like the rest of them, she’s kind and caring but most of all she understands you in a way that no one else can relate to. You quickly capture her lips, a heated kiss needing to feel her close.

“Is Oz upstairs?”

“No, he’s staying at a friends house,” she mumbles, against your lips. Pulling back you look into her slightly glazed eyes and demand the thing you need most.

“Take me to bed, Ally.”

With that, Ally grabs your hand and leads you back inside the house. The moonlight glows throughout the room giving you a clear view of Ally’s face as you allow her to look after you, whispering soft reassurances against your exposed skin leaving trails of wet kisses along your body, closing your eyes you surrender yourself to this woman finally allowing yourself to be loved without restrictions.

***

Bright light beams through into the bedroom causing you to stir and groan at the invasive light cuddling into the softness of Ally’s chest enjoying her warmth and secure form wrapped around you. Lips graze against your hair as the brunette whispers a ‘Good Morning’ causing you to smile as you watch her fingers brush over your forearm that has stayed wrapped around her waist all night.

“Good Morning, Honey. Did you sleep well?” your fake-innocence doesn’t pass Ally as she chuckles deeply, her hand moving to tilt your chin upwards causing your lips to brush against her swollen ones.

“Deliciously actually,” her hoarse voice, makes you shiver before you capture her lips once more enjoying the sounds that escape her throat.

The sound of the front door opening downstairs and quick footsteps making their way upstairs causes you to part suddenly, blindly reaching for your scattered clothes recognizing those footsteps from anywhere.

“Mom!!” Oz’s voice shouts from the hallway, causing you to quickly cover up and head for the en-suite bathroom needing to freshen up before the poor boy sees you. Ally’s eyes follow after your retreating form in light amusement as she tucks on the woolly jumper and ties the string around her joggers.

“Mom I’m home! We had such a cool night! Jeremy bought over his new racing car you know the one with the remote it was awesome!” Oz’s excited voice trails into the room as he runs straight for Ally’s legs hugging her tightly, she places her hands on top of his crazy blonde curls and smiles.

“Well it certainly sounds like you had fun! So where is Sam’s mom? You didn’t just run from her car without saying thank you did you?” Ally’s tone makes you smile as you peak through the gap of the bathroom door always infatuated with her motherly side. Oz tries to hide his expression but with one raised eyebrow from Ally the boy slumps and sighs before nodding.

“It’s okay Ally! He was just excited to see you! Oz I’ve left your bag by the door okay,” Sam’s mom shouts from the staircase before the sound of the front door closing reaches your ears. Taking this as your cue you leave the bathroom just as the sound of screeching reaches your ears, a small body colliding with your own making you stumble.

“Woah! Hey Buddy!” you greet with a groan, laughing as you place you cup your hand around his jaw cradling him close. A sense of guilt lingering within your chest, the realisation what your actions could have done to the poor boy being the same fear you have for Amelia.

“I’ve missed you,” he mumbles into your stomach, you crouch to be eye level with him and give him the biggest smile you could muster.

“I’m sorry for not being around much, silly adults and silly work has been keeping me busy. I promise to make it up to you,” you murmur, watching as he nods accepting your apology before turning to leave to grab his backpack from downstairs. You stand from your position and fold your arms across your chest, that unsettling feeling still present, Ally steps towards you and places her hands onto your cheeks before kissing your lips.

“Stop, I can practically hear the gears turning in that beautiful head of yours. Now let’s go downstairs. I want to see my girl.” Her words cause you to raise a question eyebrow as your lips twitch into a half grin.

“Oh?”

Ally grins wickedly, before stepping towards the door. “I meant Amelia silly.”

With that she winks and takes her leave leaving you agape.

“Well I know my place then,” you grumble playfully before running after the mischievous Senator.

As if on cue the sound of the front door stops you both in your tracks midway down the stairs, Ally moves to answer the door and beams when she sees Amelia stood with her Uncle who has a very dirty grin on his face as his eyes move from Ally to you wiggling his brows as Ally crouches down and fronds over Amelia who seems to be enjoying the attention from her favourite person.

“Uncle Rupert said you guys had a sleepover without me, Ms. Ally!” she exclaims, a small pout forming onto her lips and you bite your own to stop your laughter. From the shakes coming from Ally’s shoulder the woman seems to be doing the same.

“Oh sweetheart I’m so sorry, I promise we can have soon okay? Just me and your mom needed to have a grown-up sleepover to talk.”

“Yeah I bet you did,” Rupert mumbles, amusement evident within his tone. You glare at him from your position as Oz comes running from the living room area, he instantly goes to hug his friend as he drags her further into the house telling her all about his sleepover. Rupert waits by the door as Ally gives him a shy hello before following the two leaving you to talk privately to the smug man.

“Not a word,” you demand, making sure to punctuate every word, it only seems to make him grin further. He shrugs putting his hands up in surrender as he steps through the door meeting you at the bottom of the staircase.

“So are we back on then? Oh and no need to thank me for looking after the devil's spawn last night, I swear she just knows what to do to make me crumble. I didn’t even know you still owned a Nintendo Wii,” he rants, as you both walk towards the kitchen where Ally sits with the two children all drinking from their respective mugs. Rupert goes to sit next to Amelia as he steals her mug to take a sip as she glares at him. You shake your head at the two before clashing eyes with Ally who winks over her mug gesturing you over which you gladly do. Stood behind her you wrap your arms around her shoulders and listen as they all converse amongst themselves enjoying these rare moments that you will hold dearly, smiling you kiss Ally’s temple before relaxing joining in on the conversation.

Now relaxed you allow the past to stay at the back of your mind as you look forward to the future, a secret plan up your sleeve you allow the details to rail off within your head excited to show Ally just how much she means to you and how do you do that?

By going official, of course.

#ally mayfair richards x reader #ally mayfair richards #ally mayfair imagine #ally mayfair x reader #sarah paulson #sarah paulson x reader #ahs cult #american horror story #hey neighbour! series #my work

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onceuponaloonatic · 3 years

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samihyo pregnancy fluff part one !! there will be a part two so don’t worry !! it’s jut already four am and i want to publish some content before i fall asleep !!

sorry i’ve been taking so long to post stuff, school sucks. but i only have three more weeks left !!

“Baby you really don’t have to do that.” Sana couldn’t help but laugh at Mina as her wife opened the car door for her. It had only been two days since Sana had told her about her pregnancy, but ever since, both of her wives had been so careful around her. Sana wasn’t allowed to cook (it’s not like she was before, but they had laid down stricter rules now), she wasn’t allowed to do laundry, and every time she tried to clean Mina or Jihyo would take the cleaning stuff out of her hand. They always tried to offer her arms when she was going somewhere and It was cute for a few minutes, but it got old quickly. She knew they had wanted this for so long and now that they had this they wanted to do everything they could to protect their baby, but it was getting annoying quickly. “It’s really okay. I like doing things for you.” Mina nodded.

“I know but it’s becoming too much.” Sana rolled her eyes. “You are adorable, and I love you, but please stop treating me like I’m made of glass. That goes for you too Hyo.” Sana turned to her other wife, who was grabbing their stuff from the car. “I know you two are just excited and a little scared, I feel the same. But really, I’m pregnant, not dying.” “Fine.” Mina couldn’t fight the smile on her face. “You win.” Jihyo mumbled.

“Really though you two are so cute. You’ll both make good moms soon.” Sana giggled, intertwining her hands with both of theirs. “Let’s make sure the baby is good first before we start talking about this stuff too much.” Jihyo nodded. “We never know anything that could go wrong-”

“Shh.” Sana turned to Jihyo. “No bad thoughts today.” Jihyo rolled her eyes at Sana but smiled. “You okay Mina?” Mina had grown quieter as they walked inside the hospital, all their hands still together. Jihyo had noticed it when they first stepped out of the car, but didn’t comment at first.

“I just- I don’t like hospitals.” Sana and Jihyo both knew this fact. They had tried to find a good doctor that didn’t work out of a hospital, but the only ones that met their standards were in hospitals. Mina had said she would be fine, but both of her wives knew to look out for her. “It’s okay. We won’t be here for very long.” Sana kissed her and Mina’s joined hands. “I’ll go check you in.” Jihyo smiled at the two. “Thank you babe.” Sana giggled, guiding Mina over to a chair in the waiting room. Mina unconsciously tightened her grip on Sana’s hand, and Sana swiped her thumb over Mina’s hand. “Hey, what are you thinking about?”

“If the baby will look anything like you.” Mina commented. “Oh yeah? Maybe it will. There's what, a fifty percent chance?” “I don’t think that’s how genetics works.” Mina giggled. “You are the science professor.” “Chemestry is dumb.” Sana rolled her eyes. “I think that’s biology.” “Biology is dumb.” Sana pouted. “I haven’t thought about either since I was what- a sophomore in college?” “You teach physics.” Mina pointed out. “Physics has nothing to do with chem or bio.” Sana nodded. “Maybe if we’re lucky the baby will be a science nerd like me.” “Or maybe they will prefer humanities.” Mina giggled. “Or who knows what if they want to become a pop idol or an artist?” “That would be pretty cool too! It’s kinda crazy to think how they could be anything- that they are this little ball of potential and we get to raise it.” Sana giggled. “Yeah…” Mina trailed off. “I can’t wait to find out what they love.” “Me too.” Sana smiled when Jihyo started walking back towards them. “They said it should be any minute.” Jihyo smiled at the two. Sana reached her arms out and pulled Jihyo down for a kiss, causing a blush to spread out on her cheeks.

“Sana.” Jihyo whined. “So adorable.” Sana giggled. “Both of you.”

“Stop.” Jihyo whined, a blush on her face. “Okay.” Sana smiled. “Mrs.Minatozaki?” “Right here.” Sana grabbed both of their hands, both of them happily following her to the back area. After a preliminary examination Sana is taken to a back room while they wait for the first ultrasound. Sana’s leg is bouncing while she waits, her nerves making her quieter than usual. Mina and Jihyo both noticed, looking over at each other for confirmation before Jihyo spoke up. “It’s okay.” Jihyo nodded. “You really don’t need to be nervous.” “Really.” Mina kissed Sana’s cheek. “We are in this together love.”

“Okay.” Sana took a deep breath in, slowing her leg. “I’m good.” “You sure?” Jihyo asked.

“Yeah.” Sana smiled. “I’m perfect.” When the doctor tells them the baby is perfectly healthy, they all start crying. Jihyo and Mina are able to hold it back until they are in the car, but Sana cries right there in the doctor's office. She blames it on the hormones, but they all know the real reason. They had all wanted this for so long. So goddamn long. They had watched all their friends have and raise kids. They had seen so many negative pregnancy tests. They had sat through the pain doctors visit when they told them Mina was infertile. They had sat through so many doctor visits. They had all lived with the thought in the back of their mind that maybe they couldn’t get pregnant, and had all debated giving up. They had even fought over this topic. But now, now they were having a baby. A healthy baby that right now was so tiny and fragile and it’s heartbeat was so fast and so, so perfect. They had wanted this for so long, and now that they were having it, they were so beyond happy. There was only one thought on all three of their minds as they all cried in the car, and that was that they couldn’t wait to meet their baby in a few months.

Jihyo smiled when she saw the adorable look on Sana’s face when she first presented her with red bean mochi at three am. The cravings had started quickly with her pregnancy, they had only known about the baby for a week and Jihyo was already making a trip to the twenty four hour supermarket for one of her wife’s cravings. She was just lucky they had a pretty extensive Japanese section, Jihyo was worried she wasn’t going to find it. “Thank you.” Sana had the most excited adorable look on her face. Jihyo couldn’t help but kiss her. “No problem love.” Jihyo giggled. She was still tired, but she also had a bit of energy from the drive to the supermarket. Sana unwrapped her treat, trying to be as quiet as possible. Mina had an early morning class the next morning, so they were trying to let her sleep the best they could. “Is it good?” “Uh-hum.” Sana nodded with a smile as she took a bite. Normally they didn’t eat in bed, but Sana and Jihyo both knew they could make an exception today. “I have been craving red bean all night.” “Oh yeah?” Jihyo giggled. “Well maybe the baby really likes red bean.” “Maybe. It’s not my favorite food, but it’s all I could think about.” Sana took another bite. “What were you and Mina talking about earlier, when I was napping?” Sana had been extra tired lately, and had started taking after work naps before dinner. Mina and Jihyo were always supportive of these naps, they knew Sana was extra tired now. The doctor had even warned them Sana would be more fatigued due to the fact she was a bit older than most first time moms. “Oh, Mina and I think it might be a good idea to wait to tell our friends about the baby.” Jihyo commented, laying on her back and wrapping an arm around Sana’s waist. “The first trimester is unpredictable, and we never know what could happen.” “The doctor said the baby was healthy…” Sana trailed off, looking down at the bedsheets. “I know love. And I’m not doubting that the baby will continue to be healthy. We just need to be a little cautious, that’s all.” Jihyo smiled at her wife. Sana was halfway done already, and she had a bit of red bean on her cheek. “We can tell them soon. Just in a little bit.”

“Fine.” Sana whined. “That makes sense.” “I know you want to tell them.” Jihyo sat up and gently brushed some of the red bean paste off Sana’s cheek. “And you can… Just wait a little longer okay?” “Fine.” Sana whined, but softened when Jihyo kissed her. “Now let's go back to sleep, we don’t want to wake Mina up.” They both smiled at their other wife, who was now starfishing on their bed. Mina tended to do that when she was by herself or Sana and Jihyo were in the corner like they were now. It was cute, but if they weren’t careful Mina would steal all the blankets and they would spend the night considerably colder than normal.

xx Sana let it slip the next day.

Ever since Sana moved to Korea, Sana and Momo had a tradition of getting Japanese food together once a week. It had started when they were kids, and as they grew up it never went away. It used to be every Friday, but when Momo had her kids Fridays became too crowded with sports practices and carpool duties, so they had moved it to Thursdays. They only ever really missed it if one was on vacation or one was sick, and even then they tried to make it up to each other. They had been best friends since they were kids. They were a literal family. Meeting up every week bonding over their home food was something both of them absolutely adored. Sana had let it slip after ordering her second bowl of ramen. Momo hadn’t seen Sana do that much, so she was surprised when her cousin had decided to go for a second. She rarely ever even finished a first bowl when she ordered ramen, and here Sana was eagerly ordering a second.

“Well you try being pregnant and nauseous all day. You would eat a lot when you felt better too.” Sana had argued, not even noticing her slip for a second. “Wait-what?” Momo paused mid bite, her jaw hung open while she looked at Sana. It was then when she saw Momo all wide eyed and slack jawed that it hit her what she had done. “You're pregnant?” “Oh yeah.” Sana took a deep breath. “Jihyo and Mina didn’t want me telling anyone, but yeah we just found out last week.” Sana had already predicted what Momo’s reaction would be when she told her. Momo had never been the type to get overly emotional, so Sana was guessing she would give her a warm smile and a simple congrats. She never would have expected Momo to burst into tears. It was so Un-Hirai-Im Momo. Sana had known Momo since they were born, they were cousins and they had always been close. And it was rare she had seen Momo cry. And all the times she had seen it, it was always related to Nayeon. She had cried a couple times when they had particularly bad fights, she had cried at their wedding, cried with her when they got approved to adopt the twins, and Sana had seen tears clinging to her eyes the night Kazumi was born but that was pretty much it. “W-What’s wrong?” “Nothing-god nothing.” Momo sniffled. “But Sana… Sana, you're having a baby.” Seeing Momo in tears brought Sana close to them herself. Momo knew about all the pain they had suffered by this years-long process trying to have a baby. All of their friends knew about it, but Momo knew it very well. Sana had called her stressed or in tears too many times for her to not understand how much mental anguish it had caused both Sana and her wives. Momo had been through it herself before they adopted the twins, though it was not nearly as long. She knew how hard it had been on all of them, but particularly Sana. “Yeah…” Sana sniffled, looking downwards at her stomach and putting one hand on it. “Yeah… I am Momoring.” Needless to say, they gathered some weird looks from the others around them, but they didn’t pay them any mind. They were both just so happy, they couldn’t hold back their emotions. Later after they left Sana made Momo promise she wouldn’t tell anyone and Momo agreed only after Sana promised not to tell anyone she had cried.

Sana hadn’t meant to read Jihyo’s mail. She really hadn’t, but she had just found it and thought it was something else.

Sana had been waiting for a letter from her boss with the official documentation for her requested time off. Since they rarely took any vacation time, she had a lot saved up. They had never needed to take much of their vacation time, most of them had a couple weeks of break in the summer to travel and they didn’t have kids so vacation days were rarely used, so naturally all three of them had a lot stored up. When Sana went to ask her boss for the next semester off and maybe even the one after, he readily agreed. Sana was one of the top professors in her department and had ten-year as well as a wealth of vacation days, so he really didn’t mind her taking an entire school year off to focus on her family. However since it was a pretty lengthy absence from work she would need some official paperwork from the university to document her year of absence. So naturally when she saw a piece of paper with the university's emblem at the top stuffed into one of their drawers she grabbed it, thinking it was for her and had gotten put there by accident. It was very Un-Mina like but sometimes Jihyo would forget to tell her she had mail and leave it in odd places. It usually wasn’t in a random drawer, but Sana hadn’t thought about it too much. When she read the letter, she quickly realized it wasn’t for her. “Park Jihyo, why didn’t you tell me about this?” The minute Sana read it, she knew she had to talk about it with her wife.

“Tell you about what?” Jihyo asked, turning from where she was playing Minecraft with Mina. “That you were offered to do research fall semester in Switzerland.” Jihyo put her control down when she heard that. She let out a long sigh, gesturing for Mina to pause the game as she opened her arms for Sana to come over to them. “I’m not going to go.” Was the first thing Jihyo said. “What- no I want you to go.” Sana nodded. “I’m sorry if I seemed mad- I’m just mad you didn’t tell us.” “I know, I’m sorry. I didn’t tell you guys because I don’t plan on going.” Jihyo told Sana, turning to Mina. Mina looked a little hurt as well, but she was remaining quiet. Sana had been very hormonal lately, and could get mad easily, so she knew Jihyo was trying to be calm with her.

“You’ve wanted to do research for so long though Hyo…” The architecture department was huge, so there were a lot of professors. Naturally as such, there weren’t many research opportunities for professors. Jihyo had always wanted to get one, but since she had started from the bottom she was never given the opportunity. “I would be gone for four months Sana…” Jihyo trailed off. “Four months at the end of your pregnancy. I couldn’t do that.” “The fall semester ends weeks before my due date, you would still be back in time.” Sana argued. “No-no I don’t want to be away from you then.” Jihyo nodded.

“I mean- Mina can take care of me. You really won’t miss much. Just me complaining about my back hurting and that I have to pee all the time. I think you should go.” Sana looked to Mina for help, Mina nodding.” “You have wanted to do research forever Hyo…” Mina pointed out. “You may not get the opportunity again for a while, and Sana’s right. I can take care of her.” “Or we could even go with you to Europe.” Sana suggested. “I got approved for the whole year off next year.” “No- baby do you know how miserable that would be? You would be very pregnant on an annoying long flight. Putting the many many dangers of that aside you would be so miserable the entire time. It’s okay. I can maybe talk to the lead and see if they do something like this again in a few years.” Jihyo nodded, grabbing one of Mina’s hands and putting the other over Sana’s stomach. There wasn’t much yet, but at two and a half months pregnant a bump was starting to form. “Besides, I want to be here. I want to listen to you complain about your back hurting and that you have to pee.” “We can do that over facetime. I can tell you every day over video call if that's what you want.” Sana offered. “No, I want to be here. I want to be with you for the last few doctors appointments and the rush of trying to get everything ready for the baby and all of the little complaints about your feet or your back hurting. I want to be here for nesting and all the little kicks the baby is going to do. I want to be here with both of you. It’s not the same over video chat. It’s okay. I can do research later, but this? This is something we won’t experience again.” Both knew she was right. After Sana gave birth there was basically no chance of her getting pregnant again. The doctors had already told them that and they were okay with it. They were just happy they were able to experience it once. “Are you sure?” Sana asked, putting her hand over Jihyo’s on her stomach. “Of course I’m sure.” Jihyo nodded, squeezing Sana’s hand. “I love all three of you so much, there’s no where I would rather be than right here.”

As convincing as Jihyo had been in front of Sana, Mina could tell she wasn’t being completely obvious. The next time Sana went out with Momo for their weekly dinners, she comforted her wife about it. “Are you- are you really okay giving up the opportunity to do your first research?” Mina knew dancing around the subject wasn’t going to work, as much as all her instincts were telling her too. Truthfully, she didn’t understand what Jihyo was giving up as much as Sana. Her department really didn’t do research so it wasn’t something she had ever really thought about. Sana had been involved with three research projects before, and she had loved all of them. Even when she would come home exhausted she would always happily recount what exactly she had done and how exciting it was, even if Mina and Jihyo had no idea what she was talking about. They both liked seeing her so excited, and listening to her talk, so it worked out. “Yeah-of course.” Jihyo nodded, not looking away from her switch. “I will get another chance in the future. Maybe.” “Maybe?” “No. I will.” Jihyo sighed. “It just- it couldn’t have worse timing. If this had happened a year ago I would consider going but right now- right now I can’t leave.” “Hyo… I know you want to stay with Sana, but if you do something you’ll regret, it will just make you miserable.” Mina put a hand on Jihyo’s cheek, stroking it and forcing her to look her in the eyes. “And I know you don’t want the baby to see you miserable.” “Mina-I can’t.” Tears rushed to Jihyo’s eyes as she gazed into Mina’s loving ones. “We waited so goodman long for this- Years Mina. We’ve waited years. As fun as research sounds- I can’t leave now.” “Are you sure?” “Yes. And yeah maybe I’ll be a little scared I’ll never get the opportunity to do research again, but you and Sana and the baby are so much more important to me.” Jihyo couldn’t help but pull Mina into a kiss, her tears dripping down her cheeks still. “I love you three so much, you don’t even know it.” “Hyo…” Mina leaned in and captured Jihyo’s lips again. “I love you so much.”

Needless to say, when Sana got back and found them in bed with nothing but the covers on, she whined about how they started without her. But, they both happily made it up to her.

After Sana’s first checkup of the second trimester, they all agree it’s time to tell their friends. Their friend group had a long standing tradition of having family dinners together on the second and fourth Sunday night of every month, and even when some of them started having kids this didn’t change. It was time for all of them to hang out and catch up, something they were always able to do during the week. They would rotate who hosted, so everyone would have to experience it at some point. The day they decided to tell everyone it was at Chaeyoung and Tzuyu’s.

Mina, Sana, and Jihyo were usually the first to arrive. With Mina affinity for being on time and the lack of children they were usually the ones who got there first. So because of that one of them always got roped into helping cooking. This time, the minute Jihyo was through the door Tzuyu was basically pulling her by the arm to the kitchen. Tzuyu and Jihyo had always been close, Tzuyu had gone to the same middle school and high school as Jihyo and had always looked up to the older woman. When they first met, Tzuyu barely knew any Korean. But Jihyo didn't seem to mind. She was the first one Tzuyu met who really tried to understand her and put in effort. Tzuyu had loved it at thirteen, and she loved it now. “Tzuyu’s always looked up to Jihyo huh?” Sana asked Chaeyoung once they were out of the room. “Oh yeah. She’s been like her little sister since they met.” Chaeyoung giggled. “Oh, let me get Emi. I’m sure she will be happy to see you guys. She’s been a little grumpy lately but Tzuyu thinks it’s just puberty.” “She is about to be twelve right?” Mina asked, guiding Sana over to the couch and taking a seat. She wrapped her arm around Sana’s waist as Sana snuggled into her side.

“Right.” Chaeyoung nodded. “Anyway, let me go get her.” Mina and Sana nodded. Mina pulled out her phone while they waited while Sana looked at the framed pictures of Emi on the walls. Chaeyoung and Tzuyu had seemed like they would be the last of their friends to want kids, but once they had Emi they had fallen in love with her so hard. Neither kept too many pictures of themselves around, so they didn't used to have very much hanging in their house, but their walls were littered with photos of Emi. Emi’s first day of school in Korea. Emi’s school sports day. Emi’s first piano recital. Emi’s first trip to the zoo. All of those moments were arranged across Tzuyu and Chaeyoung’s walls. Looking at it made Sana a little nostalgic. Emi was growing up so fast. Sana remembered when she was younger. She had always loved Sana because Sana would speak Japanese with her. She liked Mina and Momo for the same reasons, but she was especially close to Sana. “Aunt Sana, Aunt Mina!” Sana wasn’t given much warning before Emi captured them both in a hug. “Hello Emi-chan.” Mina smiled at Emi, returning the hug with one arm awkwardly. “Hey Emi-chan! It’s been a little while since we’ve seen you!” Sana smiled at Emi, sneaking a kiss onto the girl’s forehead, which caused Emi’s face to scrunch up. “Aunt Sana stop. I’m not a baby anymore.” Emi whined in Japanese. “You’ll always be a baby to me.” Sana giggled. “What have you been up to lately sweetie?” Sana asked in Korean, so Chaeyoung could join the conversation. Chaeyoung and Tzuyu had both learned a lot of Japanese since adopting Emi. Both had taken the N5 exam a couple years after adopting Emi and Tzuyu had recently passed the N3. Chaeyoung had stopped after the N4, but they had both put a lot of work into learning Japanese for Emi. Their argument was if Emi was going to be putting in a lot of work to learn Korean, they should be putting in work to learn Japanese. But as much as they had learned both were conversational at best and couldn’t entirely keep up with native conversations. “Not much.” Emi shrugged. “Your soccer team won the last tournament you played in.” Chaeyoung commented. “Oh yeah?” Sana asked, Emi nodding. “That’s great Emi-chan!” Sana wasn’t used to Emi being so quiet, but she could tell she was being a lot more quiet than she usually was. “I heard you got really good grades this year.” Mina smiled at Emi, who nodded. “That’s amazing Emi.” “I still got a B in Korean.” Emi pouted. “A B is still a pretty good grade Emi.” Sana pointed out. “Korean is hard, I barely got B’s when I was in school in Korean. But you're doing amazing. We’re all so proud of you, you know that right?” “Thanks Auntie Sana.” Emi couldn’t stop a blush from spreading over her cheeks at the praise both of her Aunts were giving her.

The minute Hansol gets there, Emi’s attention is drawn away from the adults as she runs screaming to her friend about their latest math homework. Jeongho follows the two upstairs to Emi’s room while Seoyun briefly makes an appearance in the living room with the adults. Her face is buried in Dahyun’s side, and Dahyun mouths to the others she had a bad dream last night and had been reserved all morning. “Hey Seoyunie, Auntie Jihyo is in the kitchen and I’m sure she would love to say hi to you.” Sana pointed out to the little girl. Seoyun loved Jihyo like Emi loved her. Ever since they had met her for the first time, Seoyun had been attached to Jihyo. No one was entirely sure why, but Auntie Jihyo had always been really special to Seoyun.

“Aunt Jihyo?” The eight year old asked, exhaustion on her face as she looked at Sana. “Yup. In the kitchen.” Seoyun immediately let go of Dahyun and ran off towards the kitchen. “Thanks Unnie.” Dahyun stood up straighter now that Seoyun was gone.

“Of course, rough morning?” Sana asked.

“I woke up a bit late this morning, so Jeong was the first to notice but she has been attached to one of us since we woke up.”

“She was hanging off Hansol when I found her.” Jeongyeon nodded. “After that she switched to me for a bit and right before we left it was Dahyun.” “She’s weird about touch. Sometimes when she’s like that she wants to constantly be touched. We always just let her come to us though, we just want her to be comfortable.” Dahyun added.

“I hope she feels better soon. I might be a little much for her to be around everyone for so long.” Mina muttered worriedly. “I talked about it with her before we left, I might have to take her home early if she needs it. She does really want to see Jihyo though.” Dahyun giggled. “Anyway, you two are being particularly clingy today.” “They are always clingy.” Chaeyoung pointed out. “No they are partially on top of each other now.” Dahyun gestureed to how Sana was basically in Mina’s lap. “They haven’t been this bad since they were in their honeymoon phase.”

“Hyun I’m going to have to go with Chaeyoung on this one. Those two are always on top of each other.” Jeongyeon agreed with Chaeyoung, the younger giving her a high five for agreeing with her instead of her wife. “Hey we are allowed to be affectionate.” Sana piped up. “No it’s not allowed.” Jeongyeon joked, Mina sticking her tongue out in response and holding Sana closed. She had one hand on Sana’s stomach, trying to be discreet about it as she adjusted their position. When they heard the door open followed by screaming sounds, they knew their group was finally complete. “Aunt Chaeyoung!” Kazumi burst into the living room. “Is Emi Unnie upstairs?” “Yup.” Chaeyoung giggled at the look on Kazumi’s face. Kazumi grabbed her brother’s hand before pulling him up towards Emi’s room, Haneul sticking back with her switch in her hands. “Sorry.” Momo apologized for her daughter as they joined the others. “They had some sort of bet and I think Zumi won.” “Nah Hansol did the same thing.” Jeongyeon laughed at the apology. “Now the other clingy couple is here.” “We aren’t that clingy.” Nayeon pouted. “You're holding hands right now.” “And?” Nayeon asked, not seeing the issue. “Whatever.” Jeongyeon sighed exasperatedly. “Does Tzuyu need any help?” “Jihyo’s been in there helping her for a while, but I can go check.” Chaeyoung nodded, standing up from where she had sat on the floor and went off towards the kitchen. Haneul took her spot, all of her attention on the game in front of her.

“Hey Haneul.” Haneul let out a little hey as a greeting, not even looking up at Dahyun as she spoke. “Hey Haneul what are you playing?” Mina asked.

“Breath of the wild.” Sana immediately knew when her niece said that her wife was going to leave her side for the game. Mina squatted next to Haneul, and watched the game. “Momo said you guys had something to tell us.” Nayeon started a new conversation once everyone was settled. “Oh yeah.” Sana nodded. “Is it as good as I’m expecting?” Nayeon hinted with one raised eyebrow.

“I don’t know about that.” Sana giggled. “But it is pretty big.” “Good, than I look forward to hearing it.” xx

Lunch is served not much later. They are able to convince all the kids to come down and while they were eating someone had come up with the plan to start a super smash tournament in the middle of eating. Since the kids usually ate in the living room and the adults ate in the dining room, they didn’t notice this at first until they heard screaming and Jihyo went to check on them.

They tell them on the rare break the kids were taking from their tournament after all their parents had told them to eat before they played. Most of them weren’t paying attention, all of their attention was on each other as they talked. They were at the age where hanging out with other people their own age was infinitely better than interacting with adults, so they weren’t paying much attention to them.

When Sana finally tells them, the room goes quiet right before they are bombarded with questions and congratulations. They are barely able to keep up with them as everyone talked at once, but once they get through them the overall mood of the room seems happier. Everyone seems happier. Well, except for one person.

Seoyun was off pouting while her parents were excitedly talking to Sana and Mina. They were offering them old baby stuff they had in storage, asking about her due date, and talking about stuff like that when Jihyo went off to check on the kids, who had moved back to the living room for the smash tournament. Seoyun was sitting off to the side, her attention focused on Tzuyu and Chaeyoung’s dog butter. “Hey Seo.” Jihyo sat next to her. “What’s up? Why are you playing by yourself.” “I don’t like smash.” Seoyun pouted. “Oh that’s okay. I don’t love it either.” Jihyo smiled, reaching one hand out to pet butter. “Is something wrong?” “Auntie Jihyo is having a baby.” Seoyun said, curling herself into a ball as she continued to pet the dog. “That’s a weird thought.” “Oh yeah?” Jihyo asked. “Uh-hum. You haven’t had a baby before. It will be weird for you too.” Seoyun commented. It didn’t take long for Jihyo to pick up on the signals Seoyun was putting down. “Hey Seoyun… You know I will still have time for you right?” Jihyo asked. She took Seoyun’s silence for an answer. “Seoyun I’m still going to hang out with you. Just because I’ll have a baby I won’t suddenly not have time for you.” Jihyo explained. “Are you sure?” “Of course Seo.” Jihyo smiled at Seoyun. “I’ll always make time for you.” “You promise?” “I swear Seo.”

And Jihyo meant it. Even if Seoyun wasn’t her daughter, she had always loved Jihyo. And Jihyo had always loved her back.

#twice #samihyo #namo #dubjeong #chaeyu #emi #seoyun #hansol #haneul #minatozaki sana #myoui mina #park jihyo #im nayeon #yoo jeongyeon #Kim dahyun #chou tzuyu #son chaeyoung #misahyo #misahyo au

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dabislittlemouse · 3 years

Text

Always by your side

Dabi cheering you up on a bad day

A soft Dabi x reader for @dabi0118 . A little flirting too. Hope you enjoy it ♡♡

12.30 pm

If it wasn’t for your phone ringing you wouldn’t even have woken up. You turned off the phone, not wanting to deal with anybody’s bullshit because today was not it. Or mostly like, this week was not it.

You cried yourself to sleep last night, your head full of thoughts about your life and future, all your fears and insecurities eating up your mind. Usually you would put these thoughts aside, act optimistic with a smile on your face but sometimes it’s hard to do so, especially when the night comes and all the “demons” in your head start waking up.

You’ve tried distracting yourself. Watching movies, drawing, reading, cleaning up the house, but nothing. You felt sad all the time, even though your life was going good. You felt so alone, worthless, like everyone hates you. Not even your friends would find some time to talk to you. You couldn’t fully open yourself to any of them because you didn’t want to be an annoying crybaby and make them run away. You didn’t even notice you were crying again. Jesus, the hell was wrong with you, you thought.

The phone rang again and you groaned in annoyance, but that feeling washed off quickly when you saw the name on the screen.

“Dabi💙”

Your heart started pumping out of your chest. Despite of him being a villain, you had developed a little crush for Dabi. Of course, he never knew. Or did he? Anywyay. But you remained as “friends”, even though Dabi’s flirtings would be thrown in the air and you, like those shy middle school girls, would giggle and blush. He would usually come and visit you but today you didn’t want him to. You didn’t want him to get affected by your negative energy today, nor did you want him to see how you looked. Your hair was a mess, your eyes puffy and tired from crying too much. No thank you

“Hey Dabi” you said with a weak voice, almost shaking but you coughed a bit and tried to sound more stable. “What’s up?”

“Hey doll. Up? The sky” you could hear him smirk like the jerk he is and you just rolled your eyes at this lame joke and giggled. His voice was low but soothing. “Just wanted to say I’m on my way to you”

Oh shit.

Find an excuse.

“Oh I didn’t know. I... I’m sorry though because, maybe I’ll go to sleep. I’m feeling a bit sick, maybe it’s the flu. So... yeah, we won’t be doing fun stuff at all” You felt bad for lying but you didn’t want him to see you like this. Not today at least. You felt ugly today, inside and out.

“I’m sorry princess. You can sleep next to me alright? You like how warm I am so that will make you feel better” he said with full confidence. Damn, he is so cute.

“Yeah but, I... don’t want you to catch the flu either” you bit your lips, hating yourself for lying to him. But he was stubborn, it’s not like he was going to listen. Before you could say anything , you heard a knock at your door.

“Oh sorry Dabi, I gotta go. Someone’s at the door”

“Yeah yeah okay. Talk later” he chuckled. You shut your phone and opened the door, only to be faced with Dabi himself. You jumped in surprise and hid behind the door, feeling embarrassed as he laughed.

“Dabi jeez! I didn’t expect you to be here so soon” you said, trying to look anywhere but him, hiding yourself behind the door.

“Well I did say I’m on my way didn’t I? And stop hiding, I won’t bite” he got inside. “At least not until you want me to” he winked. You gave him a weak smile, his flirtings usually would give you a whole zoo in your stomach but during your hard days, it wasn’t that easy. Dabi noticed the strange aura surrounding you today.

“Hey, are you okay?” He came closer. You looked down, not trying to face him. He grabbed your face to turn it to him. “Look at me... what is it?”

“N-nothing. It’s just... one of these shitty days that’s all. You shouldn’t have come though..” you said, your voice almost shaking. He raised his eyebrow, meaning to give him a reason why. “I knew you came here to stay and have fun together as always and I’m so sorry. I just don’t want to affect you with my shitty mood, and especially with my.... shitty face toda- “ You couldn’t finish your sentence as he put his index finger on your lips to shush you.

“If anything here is shitty, is whatever you are saying right now.” He said, his finger touching your soft bottom lip doing small circles. “If anyone is to worry about shitty mood affecting other people, it should be me” he said, his finger tracing your jawline. “And if anyone is to worry about shitty face scaring other people, again that should be me”

You shook your head, placing your hands on his warm chest and finally looked him in the eyes. “N-no, don’t say that. You never affect me in a bad way, you’re the only person who I enjoy being with. And you face is beautiful”

He softly smiled, leaning closer to you and whispering in your ear. “Well, you said the exact response I was about to give you a minute ago”. You blushed as he sat down in the couch, patting the seat next to him. “Come here”. You sat next to him as his arm wrapped around your waist, pulling you closer to his warmth, as his chin rested on your shoulder. You both remained like that for a moment, no words shared as you stared blankly at the TV, and then he spoke.

“You know...despite having shitty days I’ll still be here for you right dolly?” he softly whispered. “I know how it feels like to be... sad and alone, feeling worthless and disgusting” he grabbed your hand and softly kissed it. “Nobody was there for me back then, but at least I can be here for you now”

You just froze, a million emotions filling your chest as you listened to him.

“I know it’s hard but I can assure you babygirl, you are the most worthy person I’ve ever met in my life” he cupped your blushing face with his warm hands. “And the hottest one too”

Your face went tomato as you tried to look down, a chuckle escaping from Dabi as he buried his head on your neck, hands now in your waist.

“You are so beautiful princess, if anyone says otherwise I’ll turn them to crisp, you know it”. You remembered the day your shitty neighbor went missing just the day after you fought. You complained at him for his loud music every night. He had told you to shut the fuck up and called you an ugly bitch. Strangely, the next day he went missing. You knew it was Dabi’s doing even though he would play dumb.

Your thoughts were interrupted as you noticed his turquoise eyes staring at yours , a smug smile plastered on his face.

“What?!” You yelped, feeling embarrassed.

“Nothing. Just processing on my mind all the blessings I have in my life.” He started grabbing your face, examining it you as you giggled. “Oh wait, it seems to be only you” he smiled.

“You’re an idiot” you laughed as you finally wrapped your arms around his neck.

“And you are gorgeous”

“Stop!”

“What? Too much for telling the truth huh” he sighed as he held you close to him. You started feeling good now, after all these days of feeling down. You felt...happy. Happy being with him. You could forget all your worries whenever you were with Dabi. He had that kind of effect on you, whether he did it on purpose or not. It was hard to crack him open when you first met, but now you got to see the side of him he never showed to anyone, his soft charming self. He would kill you if you told anyone about it though. It ruins his villain reputation, he would say.

You both spent the rest of the day close to each other, cuddling and him giving you soft kisses all over, praising you so much you felt like some goddess. Your mood already got better. Then you started watching some dumb movies, where you would laugh at Dabi for mocking the characters in it, with tears in your eyes. Also the dumbass almost burned your apartment while trying to boil an egg. You both shrugged it off by laughing like idiots. Then you played a game, trying to find which pro hero is on your mind. You would draw or imitate the pro hero and the other would find it. It was fun though cause you got to see Dabi slandering the pros. He drew a deformed chicken with a man face, trying to take out an egg from its butthole. You were rolling in the floor from laughing when you found out that is the number 2 hero Hawks.

As the night came in, you were resting on him, his hands running through your dark hair as you would hear his soft heartbeats.

“Thank you” you whispered.

“For what?”

“For staying with me today. You made me feel better”

He smiled as he kissed your head. “Of course, dollface. If you are sad again and you don’t call me to come over, I’ll be upset... anyway it’s not like I’ll be leaving you alone too much from now on. You’re stuck with me”

You smiled as you kissed his neck softly. “You are so charming and soft when you want to be, almost as soft as a baby when-“

“I’ll turn you bald”

“Okayy, jeez!” You laughed at his blushing face, and rested your head on his chest. Your eyes felt heavy and it didn’t take much for you to fall asleep. He kissed your head again and rubbed your back.

“Goodnight precious”

#B.writes #touya todoroki #dabi #mha dabi #my hero academia #mha #dabi x you #dabi x reader #dabi imagines #dabi fanfics #dabi fluff #fluff #soft

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kyoomiii · 4 years

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♡ Burnt out [hcs]

- ➣. . . ❝ Could you maybe do headcanons for literally any Haikyuu character/characters with an s/o who's just done with everything and exausted and feels like shit?❤ If that makes sense😂 Again I completely understand if you don't want to do this request!❤ ❞

― requested by: @bitweird1 ―

- ✎ characters ❝ daichi, kuroo, and tsukishima ❞

- [ trigger warning(s): none ]

- ⚘ genre ❝ fluff, angst ❞

❝ i’m so excited~ this is my first request! but anyway, putting that aside i hope that all of you out there are doing well and if times are currently difficult for you, just know that there’s someone rooting for you. i’m not particularly good with words- which is ironic for someone who writes, but, i hope you can feel my support through this hc~ ღゝ◡╹)ノ♡ ❞

-kyo ♡

Life is always moving, it passes and waits for no one. And lately, as the school year draws to a close with tests upon tests cluttering your life, it’s been feeling like the days have merged into one, passing and passing with each one feeling exactly like the last.

As of tonight, you find that you’ve had enough... Unable to cope much longer on your own in the dark confinements of your room.

Instead, you find yourself at his house- 12am on a school night. And though it seemed like a good idea at the time, the feeling of guilt seems to bloom in your chest the longer you stare at the doorbell.

You knew from the beginning that Daichi is a busy man, the volleyball club, and his schoolwork, both something that he invests so much time and effort into, so surely he doesn’t have the time to deal with someone else’s problems, and with the little amount of sleep he does get, you feel bad stealing these precious hours away from him.

But even so, you find the courage to press the bell, knowing full well that he is home alone.

The feeling of anxiety buzzes throughout your body as you wait for some sort of response. A gentle flutter filling your chest when you finally get one in the form of Daichi opening his front door, disheveled and confused.

“y/n? What are you doing here?”

However, no matter how hard you try to let it out… You just can’t. It’s like the words have been caught in your throat, hanging onto your cords and refusing to let go.

“I just- uh… I just missed you is all…”

Daichi cocks an eyebrow, and you can tell he finds it odd- perhaps not even believing what you have said. But nonetheless, he steps aside inviting you in, though not without a yawn as he rubs his eyes, highlighting the dark circles that have formed just beneath them. Once again you feel bad for intruding in on his time.

He leads you to his room, where he opens his blanket to you knowing full well that the both of you have school the next morning.

Gladly, you accept crawling under his comforter with him and snuggling close because while it wasn’t exactly the reason why you were there, it was definitely something on your mind.

But even with the undeniable comfort that is his embrace and gentle touch as he traces your bare skin with his gentle touches, you still can’t fall asleep. No matter how long you close your eyes, or how many sheep you count, your mind is just racing.

“y/n… why are you really here?”

Suddenly, everything you were holding in becomes overwhelmingly strong. It starts with small tears until you’re sobbing into his sheets.

And even then, you can’t bring yourself to just say it, but at the same time you don’t really need to, because he knows, and he understands.

Turning on the small bedside lamp, he pulls you into his lap. His hold becoming tighter than before as he rocks back and forth with you.

“Shhh… It’s okay.”

“I’m so tired Daichi... “

“I know… I’m here.”

All at once, you feel so much lighter.

The day seemed to drag on longer and longer with each passing minute. It was like one thing after another, something always weighing down on your shoulders from the moment you decided to get out of bed that morning.

You haven’t said anything, but Kuroo can see it from the moment he greeted you at the entrance of the school. He notices it in the way your shoulders tense up, and the way the corners of your lips twitch just the slightest as you try so hard to smile at him as if nothing were wrong… But he knows, and he refuses to let it slip.

“y/n, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing Tetsu, I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah… I’m okay.”

He doesn’t believe you, but he doesn’t push either, simply nodding at you as he grasps your hand in his own, intertwining your fingers together as he always does.

Though this time you notice that his grip is slightly tighter than usual, his thumb caressing the back of your hand gently, and for a moment, it appears as though everything eases and the weight of your world doesn’t feel so heavy.

But, it seems like all good things come to an end and the pressure on your shoulders return, only getting heavier and heavier throughout the day until you feel unable to truly be there as the lesson goes on, the teacher’s words flowing through your head and out your ear.

You tell yourself repeatedly that it’ll be okay… And maybe, just maybe it will, but you can see past your own lies, and you can feel yourself slipping as the lecture portion of the class comes to an end.

“l/n?”

“May I please go to the bathroom?”

“Alright, make it quick”

With hurried steps you leave the room that has grown insufferably small, head hung low as you avoid the gazes of your fellow peers, because you know he can see you from his seat just a couple of rows from your own, and that terrifies you.

However, despite your quick pace, you can’t seem to make it to the bathroom, because with each step the walls begin to close in, and with every breath, it seems that your lungs are set to fire. So instead you opt for the nearest empty staircase, hugging your knees to your chest as quiet sobs rip through your body.

Cupping a hand over your mouth to suppress your cries, you don’t notice the heartbroken look in Kuroo’s eyes when he sees your trembling figure.

Silently, he makes his way over to you, engulfing your body against his frame.

“Let it out…”

You finally do, removing your hand from your mouth to set your sobs free into his chest as he runs his fingers over your clothed back. He’s warm, and that eases your mind just a little.

“Tetsurou?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m not fine…”

“I know… And that’s okay…I’ve got you...”

And he means it.

Tsukishima noticed the abnormalities in your behavior throughout the day. He saw it in the subtle strains as your words wavered, and your feigned smile, or the simple sharp intake of breath you took when your brows pinched together. And while most were oblivious to your behavior, he had caught all the oddities, docking each one down with a mental note as the day went on.

“Are you okay y/n? You seem… Different.”

“I’m fine Kei, don’t worry about me.”

“...If you say so.”

But now, as your finger’s lace with Tsukishima’s on the walk home together. He can feel the remaining tenseness that has been lingering in your body the whole day. He concludes that his suspicions were correct. You are not okay.

However despite this revelation, you can’t bring yourself to admit it, even as you think back to the bad grade on your math test or the group project, that has more so become a you project with the lack of effort your partner has put in. You feel as though it’ll all come crashing down when you finally give in, and that scares you.

The thought makes you inhale sharply. Your grip on his hand tightening just ever so slightly as your mind becomes so scattered that you don’t even notice his gentle squeeze in response.

“Are you sure you’re alright?”

“I told you already, I’m okay."

A breath of relief that you didn’t even know you were holding is released at the sight of his home, which in this case has very much become one of the places you call home as well.

The familiar scent of his mother’s cooking fills your body as you enter the house, offering her a polite bow which she returns with a bright smile.

All these things have been embedded within you with how many times you’ve done them. So it’s all the more frustrating when this routine is broken in the form of this constant lingering of tangled negative emotions that have you tightening your grip on your pencil, threatening to snap it.

Tsukishima watches the way you slump over your work, your grip on the pencil tight before loosening until it clatters onto the table followed by a broken cry as you curl into yourself.

He doesn’t necessarily show it, but he can feel a piece of himself break along with you as he watches you crumble. Especially since he doesn’t exactly know what to do- he’s never been good with comforting people, not when he was young and not now.

And as you hear his footsteps around the room, you figure that he’s probably left, knowing that he must be a little overwhelmed too. But the sudden weight that’s placed over your shoulders surprises you causing you to look up, only to see that he had wrapped his (secret) favorite dinosaur comforter around you.

Hesitantly, he brings you into his arms, settling you between his legs as he rests his chin upon your head letting you cry into the fabric of the blanket.

It’s in his comforting warmth that you find the courage to finally admit what’s bothering you.

“It feels like everything is going wrong- I try so hard and it feels like everything just breaks… I’m so exhausted Kei.”

He listens silently, letting you vent out your emotions into the quiet space because he wants you to feel heard and safe.

“You are the most capable person I know. All anyone can ever do is their best y/n… And sometimes it doesn’t work out, that’s just life… But I’ll be damned if I let you experience that on your own.”

“Thank you Kei… I love you”

“... I love you too.”

565 notes · View notes

itsclydebitches · 3 years

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YYH Recaps: Episode 1, Surprised to be Dead

Hello, all you hypothetical readers! It's a beautiful spring day and I have a free afternoon ahead of me, so what better time to start another massive project while I guilty stuff my other WIPs deep into the depths of my hard drive? Yeah. Iffy life choices aside, someone mentioned a few weeks back that they'd love for me to recap a show I have more positive things to say about than negative (RIP RWBY) and ever since Netflix announced that their live-action adaptation of Yu Yu Hakusho is in the works, I've been itching for a re-watch of the anime. With the RWBY hiatus underway, it seemed like the perfect time to fulfill both desires.

Before we begin though, I'd like to touch on a few things that are going to influence this project.

First, YYH is near and dear to my heart. Written by Yoshihiro Togashi in the early 1990s and later adapted for an American audience by Funimation, I had the pleasure of experiencing this story five different ways: as a serialized tale in Shonen Jump, a binge read when I had the money to buy the manga, tiny snippets of the anime on Adult Swim late at night — don't tell my parents ;) — as an after-school treat on Toonami, and then years later as a re-watch when I introduced it to a friend (who, in turn, blessed me by having us watch Fullmetal Alchemist next). I used to keep a Hiei bookmark in everything I was reading, the spirit gun made it into our witch-wolf-space adventures on the playground (middle school was wild), and there was a long period of my life where I tried very hard to teach myself to stand with my hands behind my back, precisely as Genkai does. Spoiler alert: I failed. So to say I love the series is... a little bit of an understatement. I bring this up simply as a way of demonstrating that there's more than a bit of nostalgia attached to YYH for me and that will inevitably cloud my reading of it. How can it not? So that's just something to keep in mind as I work through a series that, like any having hit its 30th birthday, has its outdated, flawed, and other questionable aspects.

Second, but very much connected to the first point, is that these are pretty casual recaps. I summarize and extrapolate, focusing primarily on plot and dialogue (but with the occasional cinematography aspect tossed in). I'm not conducting research on the cultural history here — something that will come up at least once in this episode — I'm not arguing an overarching thesis, and I've never been someone who focuses on the author/production/trivia of a series. I'm here for the story as the story is presented to the viewer. If you've read my RWBY Recaps, this will function precisely the same way, with the only difference being I'm engaging with a finished text as opposed to an ongoing one, so there’s a lot less, “Maybe ___ will happen” theorizing going on.

Third, I obviously recommend that you watch the show yourself (you can find it on YouTube!), but you don't have to know the series to follow along. As these massive paragraphs attest, I tend to be both detailed and verbose, so we'll be covering every major plot point — and most of the smaller ones too.

Finally, I'm working from the dub. I know, I know, the horror. But it's what I grew up on and, honestly, I think it's superior to the sub. YYH's dubbing is in a class all its own and to this day there are very few shows that compare to it. Trust me, it's a good call.

That's enough of the boring chit-chat though. Let's get started!

Our very first episode "Surprised to be Dead" opens on a crowded street. We see lots of traffic, people going about their business, and a pedestrian crossing sign that, crucially, turns red. This is our normality and, like in every genre story, you need to break that normality at some point so that the protagonists can go on their fantastical/supernatural/science fiction journey. YYH eases us into things by first breaking the normality of an everyday afternoon: there's a screech of tires, quick shots of a man pushing a child out of the way of an oncoming car, and then his back is hitting the windshield. We begin this story with a horrible — but otherwise mundane — car crash.

Now, these flashes alone have a fair bit to unpack. Despite later getting a brief shot of the man's scared face right before he's hit, the moment's focus is really on the child. He's the one foregrounded in the initial, slow-mo shot. He's the one who appears in color while the man is kept in shadow. This isn't just a hit, it's a rescue. The camera is also careful to follow the soccer ball this kid was playing with (more on that later in the episode), with it flying through the air as the man is hit and bouncing to a stop in the street, acting as the dramatic finish. It's childhood! It's innocence! It's play on a sunny afternoon! And it's all gone wrong.

This moment is chaotic and even a bit confusing. Not in the sense of what's happening — that is quite obviously a guy being hit by a car — but who the victims are, how precisely this came about, or even why we're meant to care about this beyond a generic capacity to feel for other human (fictional) beings... that's all removed. And it works. As the crash takes place, the camera pans across the stunned crowd and we, the viewer, become a part of that crowd. They don't know what precisely is going on either. We're all just horrified onlookers as a sudden tragedy takes place. We're all watching the same show.

So everyone realizes this guy has been hit. People are staring in shock and someone calls for an ambulance. We see the driver fall to his knees in the street, distraught, shakily saying, "I didn't mean to..." It's a very serious and emotional scene that —

— is immediately tempered by this guy waking up, complete with a cute 'pop!' sound effect when he opens his eyes.

This is YYH's brand, this Very Serious Circumstances skillfully interwoven with casual indifference/comedy. It's admittedly far from a unique brand, but it's an excellent choice given that this is the same attitude that will drive 99% of our protagonist's interaction with the world.

Speaking of said protagonist, our guy wakes up, opens his eyes, and realizes that he's floating. There's a great, disorientating shot from his perspective where everything is upside down, causing him to nearly fall out of the air. Well would you look at that, he's as confused as we are. It's our audience surrogate!

A narrator says, "And so it all begins. This boy's name is Yusuke, he's fourteen years old, and he's supposed to be the hero of this story. But oddly enough, he's dead."

Game of Thrones might have made it popular, but YYH did it better.

(Yeah, yeah, I know one death kick-starts the journey and the other is a shocking twist. Just let me have this.)

Now, it's a weird introduction, right? At least at the end. The announcement that change has occurred, a name, an age... that all checks out. But "supposed to be the hero"? What the hell is that “supposed to” mean? Our narrator gives us the easy, surface answer: "But oddly enough, he's dead." We're capitalizing here on the audience's expectation that death ends a character's journey and though they may have been a hero previously, they can no longer be one moving forward. That function within the story has passed. So it's this intriguing question of, "What kind of hero do you have when that hero is dead from the start?" but as we'll see soon, there's an additional meaning here of, "How can Yusuke be the hero?" As this premiere sets up, Yusuke doesn't act like the hero is “supposed to” act.

Until he saved this kid.

But right now he's just confused: "Okay, this is weird. Stupid weird."

Two EMTs arrive on the scene and are hilariously useless. You know how in any medical drama a doctor will stop CPR after a couple of seconds because obviously you're not going to spend half the episode on realism? Well, that's this only a thousand times worse. One guy just looks at the kid and announces he's fine except for some bumps and bruises. Meanwhile, the kid is sobbing.

"Well, at least one of them is," replies the other EMT, because I guess he can tell Yusuke is beyond hope without taking a pulse or anything? "I hate cleanup," he complains as they load his body onto a stretcher because that's? An empathetic response to have??

Honestly this scene is wild.

Yusuke is understandably upset that he's, you know, dead and all. He starts hounding the EMTs who, unable to hear him, just go about their business of taking the kid and his body to the hospital. "You think you can just do whatever you want because you have that stupid uniform on? You can't just write me off. Listen to me!" and Yusuke tries to punch one of the EMTs in the head, resulting in him floating right through.

What a great way to introduce your protagonist's personality. We see here that when things go wrong Yusuke's default emotion is anger and it starts creeping in even before he thinks the others are ignoring him: "Stupid weird." He has problems with authority — "You think you can just do whatever you want because you have that stupid uniform on?" — is used to others listening when he gets angry — "You can't just write me off!" — and is poised to use violence at the slightest provocation. Yusuke is a guy who, right now at least, is ready to punch first and ask questions later.

As Yusuke floats back up into the air and the ambulance drives away, he finally cools down enough to try and think his way out of this. "It's not like this is the first time you've been in a jam,” he thinks. Yusuke recalls that yeah, something was different about today...

...he actually went to school.

Catch me laughing that this idiot boy equates the weirdness of him dying with going to school. Good lord.

Anyway, this jumpstarts our flashback. We open on a generic, anime middle school (that always feels like a high school to me) where the principal is calling for Yusuke through the loud speaker. Oooo someone’s in trouble! We follow a young girl up to the rooftop and she gets a classic hair-blowing-in-the-wind moment to establish that she's our love interest. Meet Keiko Yukimura.

Keiko finds Yusuke hanging out and immediately starts lecturing him for trying to chew gum and refusing to wear the boys' uniform. "Oh, give me a break, Keiko. I look better in green." Note that it's here we learn her name and it's an easy, casual way to introduce it. I bring this up because Yusuke's introduction via our narrator is very much... not that. It's an on your nose statement about his name, age, and importance to the story, and if you're just starting the show in 2021, it might come across as a rather armature move. Like something out of a kid's show, perhaps. Yet here we see that this was a deliberate choice, considering that YYH is capable of introducing character information naturally when it wants to.

This moment also tells us that Yusuke cares a great deal about his image. More on that in a bit. Because Keiko isn't finished her list of grievances yet, going on to say that his attendance record has hurt their entire class, hurt her as class representative, and if he keeps going down this path he won't even graduate middle school. "Sometimes I think you don't care about anyone but yourself and then you don't even do that right!"

They're legit complaints. Too bad Yusuke is busy looking up Keiko's skirt.

Yeeeeah. Sadly, this is common for anime, particularly a 90s anime like YYH. Even presumably more progressive series like My Hero Academia feature characters like Mineta, whose entire personality is being a pervert, and the creation of abilities that "require" kids/young women to be scantily clad. See: Yaoyorozu. YYH is no different in this regard, with various forms of sexual harassment functioning as a shorthand for how much Yusuke secretly likes Keiko. "Boys will be boys," right? Obviously not.

Like so many others series, the creators get away with it because they’re framing it as a bad thing. It's totally fine because look, Keiko slaps him! This is teaching the viewer how wrong this behavior is. Never mind that this is clearly an established habit between them, that Yusuke laughs off Keiko's discomfort, and that the whole scene is meant to be funny for the viewer. That's the real purpose here; it’s not a PSA on harassment.

That, and to establish the long-suffering love Keiko has for Yusuke in turn, largely stemming from a life-long friendship. "Dumb boy! He hasn't grown up a bit since he was four years old." We see that Keiko's early interactions with Yusuke have given her insight that others lack. As she heads down from the roof she runs into two girls hiding around the corner, too scared to come out lest "the great Urameshi" set his sights on them. Isn't Keiko terrified of what he might do to her? "Or worse, what others might say of it?" Like any classic high school middle school setting, one's reputation is king. Yusuke cares about how others see him — maintaining that tough boy attitude — and the girls care more about what the rest of the school might think of Keiko's interactions with him than the presumed harm Yusuke could do to her. They heard he can summon 2,000 men with just a whistle and that he "kills for fun!" But that means nothing in the face of people talking about you. Despite being one of the most popular girls in school, Keiko is the outsider here via her disinterest in what other people think.

The animation changes here, giving us a good look at how the girls picture Yusuke: tough, scowling, surrounded by shadows, and backed by an entire army.

In contrast, we've already seen what Yusuke is really like.

Keiko laughs the image off too. Yusuke is more like a "lamb" than a killer and besides, he couldn't order around two people, let alone two hundred. "He doesn't have many friends."

"That's not what I heard," says one of the girls.

"Yeah," goes the other. "I think we would know."

Again, rumors rule here, with whispers in the hall considered more reliable than someone who interacts with Yusuke on a daily basis. Keiko doesn’t have a hope of changing their minds.

Oh, as a side note, I love that they gave Keiko Miyazaki-esque hair. It's very emotive.

Yusuke escapes outside where the principal is still calling for him to report to his office. He overhears a conversation around the corner and we cut to two boys, one of which is showing a wallet off to the other. He explains that some bully tried to rough him up, but he said he was Urameshi's cousin and the bully took off, dropping his wallet in the process. The guy's friend is impressed, but what is he going to do if Yusuke ever finds out he lied? Not to worry, he says, that "blockhead" would probably think it's true even if he did somehow hear.

Yusuke, obviously, does hear about this and he, also obviously, does not believe this guy is his cousin. He looms ominously and they scurry up against a wall, terrified and offering him the wallet as an apology.

"You think I want your money?" Yusuke yells.

YYH is, in many respects, a rather simple story, but I appreciate the hints of complexity in these otherwise straightforward interactions. It's not that this guy used Yusuke's name to steal a wallet, he used it as a form of protection against another bully — a far more sympathetic motivation. It's not that Yusuke's fearsome reputation has resulted in any genuine respect because once people think they're safe they reveal how little they think of his intelligence — he's a "blockhead." And Yusuke, though intimidating and violent, is not your average, schoolyard bully. He doesn't care about money, only the insult and the damage this guy using his name might have done to his reputation. There's a little more nuance here than you might otherwise expect.

Also, note how dark the boys' standard uniforms are and how much they blend into the rest of the world. Yusuke, as our protagonist, stands out in his bright clothing. He was right, he does look better in green!

So he's ready to clobber this kid when one of the teachers arrive: Mr. Iwamoto.

Iwamoto demands to know what's going on, but the boys are too terrified to rat Yusuke out. Noticing the wallet on the ground, he assumes that Yusuke was after their money, something that greatly offends him: "Whatever!" Iwamoto goes on to say that, "No good weeds like you should have been plucked a long time ago," making it clear that he considers Yusuke a hopeless case. The positive aspects that Keiko sees, as well as the complexity the viewer sees — to say nothing of his introduction of saving a kid — aren’t considered here.

Notably, Iwamoto exists in part to show us what Yusuke could become. Not a teacher (he's obviously not attending school enough for that!), but a cynical man who is cruel for cruelty's sake. Yusuke is already barreling down that path, ignoring Keiko's advice, terrorizing other students, trying to punch EMTs, etc. If his life (or afterlife...) hadn't changed through that accident, this is the kind of person Yusuke might have grown up to be, and we can see that clearly in the visual parallels between them. Dark haired men dressed in green who scowl with ease and toss out cutting insults. Yusuke is staring his future in the face.

For now he walks off with a final shot, "You shouldn't talk. It makes you sound stupid." This time Yusuke makes it to the school's entrance and tries to enjoy his second attempt at chewing gum, but someone hits him in the back of the head.

"Okay, somebody's DEAD — ah. Sorry, old man."

"That's Mr. Takenaka to you."

Our principal has finally left the office and hunted down Yusuke for himself! Putting this interaction immediately after the one with Iwamoto allows the viewer to compare them. Yusuke might be irreverent towards his principal, but it's clear there's still some kind of respect between them. Yusuke only starts threatening because he doesn’t realize who hit him and once he does realize it's Takenaka, he immediately apologizes. That "old man" comes across as a teasing insult and Yusuke allows himself to be briefly dragged back towards school, rather than throwing a now classic punch. In turn, Takenaka cares enough about Yusuke to try and keep him on the straight and narrow. He utilizes Yusuke's preferred language — violence — but in a casual way, nonthreatening way: slight hit to the back of his head, noogie, pulling him along by the ear.

It's the sort of physicality we're used to seeing in media between a parent and child who are outwardly antagonistic, but actually share a deep bond. Takenaka is also careful to frame their return to his office as a "discussion," not a punishment, and offers Yusuke tea along with the conversation. Whereas Iwamoto considers Yusuke to be a "weed" that should have been plucked from their school long ago, Takenaka is determined to help Yusuke bloom.

If we're continuing the flower metaphor :D

Yusuke isn't in the mood to play along though. He gets away by using a fake ear, startling Takenaka when it unexpectedly pulls free. Yusuke escapes the school grounds and Takenaka, suffering a back twinge from his fall, can't chase after him. Poor guy. I understand that pain lol.

Yusuke heads home where we're introduced to his mother, Atsuko. Most notable in her first shot is the soft lighting that highlights her looks. We're not told how old she is here, but I believe she's around 28 — and she looks it, if not younger. Given that Yusuke is 14, that means Atsuko was a mom at his age. This is a quick and subtle way to tell us about Yusuke's home life. There are more overt details in this scene — it's at least lunchtime and Atsuko hasn't left her bed yet, she demands that Yusuke make her coffee instead of greeting him, it's all meant to imply (before we actually see) that she's an alcoholic — but her age is another way to highlight the broken household here. There's no partner in sight and she clearly had Yusuke as a teenager. He hasn't had a strong parental figure to take care of him. If anything, Yusuke is taking care of Atsuko here.

"Oh great, mother of the year!" basically sums things up.

Atsuko wants to know why Yusuke isn't in school and he says that everyone is pissing him off today, particularly with their preaching. "Dear, if you hate preaching so much you should live on your own... but you can't do that, can you?" Alongside a rough upbringing, Yusuke is suffering from the common problem of being trapped in a dead-end life. He hates his school, his town, and coming home to find his mom hungover. Yusuke has no prospects and, outside of one principal, no one who is actively working to help him find some. Even the little things he hates, like being preached to, are unavoidable because if you want to live on your own, that requires money. Good luck pulling that off as a middle schooler whose only skill is street fighting!

Yusuke walks off in a huff, literally shouting in a street about what a bad day he's having (and hilariously scaring off pedestrians in the process). His shout brings trouble though. A couple guys appear to ambush him, their boss close behind. The music increases the tension, Yusuke's expression is serious, and we even get a Dutch angle thrown into the mix.

For any who don't know, the Dutch angle is a popular film technique to establish that something is wrong. There's tension in the scene, something uneasy is at play, and the world is now literally off center. It's perhaps most famously used in Do The Right Thing to establish the friction between an Italian-American pizzeria and the predominantly African American neighborhood it's based in.

But it's also used a great deal in horror as a way to say: yup, shit just got real. Scary real.

This Dutch angle introduces a character you may not appreciate at first, but absolutely should: Kazuma Kuwabara.

He's initially the comic relief and that's clear in his introduction. Within seconds we move from that intimidating arrival to, well, seeing him. To be clear, I've got nothing against redheads with big chins, but compared to Yusuke's design, Kuwabara is meant to be the funny looking one. His threat level plummets the moment we get a look at his face, especially in a series that will occasionally use looks as a (supposed) measure of intelligence.

Also, Kuwabara is dressed in light blue so, like Yusuke, we know he's important!

Any assumptions that his appearance isn’t meant to imply a goofy, embarrassing personality are put to rest when Kuwabara starts rambling about how they last time they fought Yusuke just got a cheap shot in and he'll definitely win this time. Yeah, he won't. Yusuke is thrilled by this diversion though and we get a shot of him looking almost as creepy as Keiko's friends think he is. Whatever else might be said about Yusuke, he is absolutely a monster in a fight.

Which we see here. If anyone picked up the series without knowing this was a fighting anime, they'll realize it now. Yusuke's choreography is stylized to show off his skill: he disappears with a 'whoosh' and dark lines to suggest inhuman speed,

attacking Kuwabara with a knee to the face, utilizes flying kicks, lands perfect, precision punches, and ends it all with the toe-tip landing we've come to expect of all powerful fighters. Kuwabara never even got a hit in.

Happy as a clam now, Yusuke wanders off whistling and Kuwabara's friends are left to pick up the pieces. AKA, his likely broken bones. I love that they're legit friends though and not just nameless goons for the sake of giving Kuwabara a small gang (though their names won't come up until later). "That makes 0 wins an 156 loses!" one of them cries, trying to get Kuwabara to stop ending up in the hospital, probably. We establish that Kuwabara is The Most Dramatic Ever when he pulls his broken body into a seated position, shouting, "No! I almost had him that time!"

Then he passes out.

Kuwabara, honey, you obviously did not almost have him, but god bless you for the outlook. The most optimistic thing on this Earth is a well-loved Golden Retriever, but Kuwabara comes in at a very close second.

With his dream to one day beat Yusuke in combat established, we cut to Yusuke wandering the street where the episode opened. "Okay, I'm remembering" he says in a voiceover. "After that I met the kid."

The soccer ball reappears as it rolls to a stop at Yusuke's feet. He grabs it and immediately starts yelling at the kid. Horrible protagonist, right? Well, Yusuke is trying to instill in him the danger of using this street as a playground, a worry the viewer already knows is 100% justified. “Listen, kid, that’s dangerous! There are cars going by that will splatter you into the pavement!” It's one of those quick moments where we get to enjoy Yusuke's duality: he's someone who is nearly making a toddler cry, but for rather understandable reasons. He's got the right idea, but needs to go about it in a more mature manner.

Which is precisely what he attempts to do. Sort of. Yusuke changes gears, though whether it's a more "mature" route is certainly up for debate lol. He tries entertaining the kid instead, raising and lowering the soccer ball to reveal goofy faces.

When these fail to impress, Yusuke goes full out by stuffing the ball into his pants, pushing his nose up with a pair of chopsticks he got from god knows where, and generally just putting on a display.

So Yusuke cares very deeply about his reputation... but only when it comes to those who are an established part of his life. Keiko, Mr. Takenaka, and the other kids at school all need to maintain a particular image of Yusuke, one that he's carefully cultivated. But random pedestrians on the street? Who cares about them? Let them talk.

This shows us that Yusuke does indeed have priorities over his own, selfish goals. Namely, the happiness of some kid is more important to him than looking "cool" for a bunch of strangers. Lots of characters with Yusuke's surface attitude would sneer at the idea of degrading themselves for — their words — some brat. But Yusuke, as we constantly see, actually does have that heart of gold. “Well, if all else fails I can still make kids happy.”

Although... I'm not sure what to make of his display itself. I have the distinct sense that there's something prejudiced here that I'm not able to fully articulate, what with the chopsticks, slanted eyes, bald head, and the like, though to be entirely frank I don't have enough knowledge of Japan's history to say precisely what it might be. Or, really, whether it exists at all. Just something to chew on.

What I am sure about though is the importance of having the child label Yusuke as monster — "Yeah, monster! — but in a delighted manner. Yusuke is indeed some kind a monster, someone who disappoints adults and terrifies his classmates, a demon fighter on the streets too, but here that identity is reworked into something positive.

Having successful secured a laugh, Yusuke tells the kid — calmly this time — to go play elsewhere. The toddler stares up at him with the blank expression only kids can manage.

Well, kids and whatever headspace I'm in after writing these metas.

To absolutely no one's surprise except Yusuke's, the kid does not go elsewhere. Instead, he continues kicking the ball down the street, causing Yusuke to exclaim, “Dammit, what’s the use? The kid can get smashed by a car for all I care!” Liar, liar.

The picture becomes desaturated as the kid kicks the ball and it flies into the street, time slowing down to show it landing precisely in the middle of the road. Yusuke again yells for him to stay put, but when has a toddler ever listened? He begins to walk into the road as our driver arrives, speeding, swerving, and paying more attention to the girl at his side than what's in front of him.

This time, we see the accident from the front with both Yusuke and the kid presented equally.

There's a cut to black and when we return we're in the present, Yusuke floating above the policemen now investigating the scene. “So that’s it? I’m roadkill?” As Yusuke realizes he's dead, specifically that he's a ghost, a voice goes,

"Bingo! Bingo! You win the prize!"

A woman has appeared who is quite obviously othered by the standards of the episode so far. Unlike the greens, blues, and browns of the series' modern clothes, she's dressed in hot pink kimono with blue hair to match. She's also, you know, floating on an oar.

“I didn’t expect you to figure it out so quickly," she says, referring to Yusuke's revelation that he's dead. Apparently, those who meet unexpected and/or violent ends tend to take some time coming to terms with their demise. It's a nice acknowledgment of Yusuke's intelligence in an interaction that's otherwise... not great for his self-esteem.

Meaning, this woman is about to drag him lol.

She introduces herself as Botan, pilot of the River Styx and guider of souls to the afterlife. You might also know her as the Grim Reaper.

(Hey, RWBY fans: I originally wrote that as Grimm Reaper 🤦‍♀️)

It's an claim Yusuke takes issue with because 1. Botan is too pretty to be the Grim Reaper and 2. If she was really some god of death she'd be taking this much more seriously, not laughing and saying, "Bingo!" For the audience this does two things. First, it acknowledges our own expectations and validates them. Yusuke's world isn't so far removed from our own that he takes Botan's looks and personality at face value, he also expected a skeleton with a scythe. So don't worry, all the weird stuff in this series is weird to our protagonist too. They'll be explanations. Or, even if there’s not, you’re not wrong for being surprised.

Second, it sets up the very common theme in YYH of undermining those common assumptions again and again and again. We've already seen it with Yusuke, wherein characters who look and act a certain way are, supposedly, destined to be that person and nothing more. Yusuke is meant to be just a "weed," a dumb, violent, angry loser who goes nowhere in life... but we already know he's more than that. Botan is supposed to be scary and serious, but she says nah, I want to be cute and bubbly instead. No character in YYH embodies who they're "supposed" to be when you look past those surface characterizations. They play the part of archetypes — and do keep certain parts of their expected personalities — but they're also far more well-rounded than that. Which yeah, is something most people expect from any story nowadays, but YYH is particularly adept at making you think you're watching Simple Show A only to turn around and surprise you with More Complex Show B.

It's great, trust me.

So Yusuke is pissed that Botan isn't adhering to those expectations, in the same way that he works hard to validate others expectations of him. He doesn't know how to deal with someone challenging his world view yet. Rather than angering Botan though, she just nods and says that this response makes sense for him. “Rather than being scared, or surprised, you yell a lot and tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about." Taking out a notebook, she quickly summarizes everything we learned in the flashback — minus Yusuke's complexities: he's fourteen, in middle school, is ill-tempered, violent, hates authority, and is a horrible student.

Typically, Yusuke responds by getting angry and trying to snatch the booklet out of her hands, only for Botan to pull it out of his reach, laughing. The tables have turned! Rather than being surrounded by people who cower at Yusuke's imposed authority, he now finds himself faced with someone who laughs at his transparent attempts to take control of the situation.

Calming down, Yusuke wants to know if the kid he saved is really alright and Botan offers to let him see for himself. That offer produces Yusuke's first, genuine smile.

They fly to the hospital where a doctor is in the process of giving the kid a clean bill of health, his mother crying with relief.

That's enough for Yusuke. “Alright, Botan, I’ve got no regrets, so you can take me to hell or wherever it is I’m going.”

That tells you all you need to know about Yusuke's self-worth, despite his bad boy attitude. His life is a dead-end as far as he can see and most of those around him haven't done anything to dissuade him of that idea. He says he doesn't care if the kid lives or dies, but then instinctively saves him. Post his death, Yusuke doesn't have anything he considers a regret, or anything he'd like to do before he leaves, like saying goodbye to a loved one. Oh, he's also pretty sure he's going to hell and has resigned himself to that without a fight.

Uplifting!

Botan just laughs though, saying that she's actually here to offer Yusuke an "ordeal" that could bring him back to life. See, he wasn't supposed to die today — let alone die saving a kid — and frankly they don't know what to do with him. It's another neat summary of what we've already learned: Yusuke is a far more complicated case than the afterlife assumed and now, when push comes to shove, deciding whether he belongs in heaven or hell is... muddled.

There's a fantastic story there about the problems with an afterlife that reduces a person's entire life to a few surface characteristics recorded in a book, refusing to acknowledge the context of their situation, or their capacity for change. “Run someone with your credentials a thousand times and they never would have saved a kid like that." Except, of course, Yusuke did save him, so those "credentials" are suspect, to say the least. However, YYH is not a story that explores these issues. Instead, I recommend you watch this!

Rather than being upset at the afterlife's low opinion of him (because let's be real, Yusuke shares it), he latches onto a little detail Botan let slip. If he wasn't supposed to die today... then was the kid?

Mmm... no. Actually, without the chaos of Yusuke jumping into the road, the driver would have swerved at the last second and the kid would have not only lived, but actually come out with one less scrape.

So Yusuke is obviously upset by this news! I would be too!! Holy shit, hang onto the "it's the thought that counts" message with everything you've got.

Also, don't think too much about the fact that the afterlife apparently knows exactly what will happen to people, down to how many cuts they accumulate in an accident. Also, don't think too much about where the afterlife foreseeing the crash begins and the unexpectedness of Yusuke interfering ends. That way lies madness. This will never come up again, so just let it go.

Sorry, 2013 me hijacked the post for a second.

As said, Yusuke is understandably upset by this revelation and as he fumes I'm reminded that this series likes to pull some amazing expressions.

Botan reiterates that it's all fine because Yusuke can come back to life. Weren't you listening? He should feel honored, in fact, considering that an offer like this only arrives every 100 years or so. Well, that explains why all of humanity isn't grappling with people coming back to life on the daily. One person every generation isn't going to cause much of a stir.

However, instead of jumping at the chance Yusuke announces that Botan is just like the teachers at school: she doesn't know what she's talking about. “You said yourself my life was kind of pathetic, right?” he says, going on to explain that everyone will be happier now that he's dead. His school won't have to deal with his behavior, Keiko won't have to nag him, and his mom will be able to party whenever she wants. It's a win-win for everyone involved.

Hmm, this feels familiar.

Don't worry, Yusuke doesn't need to experience a whole alternate reality to get the message.

“I’m sorry you feel that way at such an early age," Botan says and she is sorry, because despite her teasing nature that's a legitimately horrifying thing to believe. Yusuke won't budge though and after a little back-and-forth Botan leaves, telling Yusuke he should think it over while visiting his wake. She'll come back once he decides what to do.

“Do you have worms in your ears, lady? I did decide!” but Botan is long gone.

We cut to that night where Yusuke has indeed decided to attend his own wake. Maybe because of Botan's advice, maybe because he's just morbidly curious. We’re not given insight into the decision.

Atsuko is a mess, to put it mildly, not dressed for the occasion and sitting slumped against the way, staring vacantly as the guests offer their condolences. Yusuke is surprised by the fact that his entire class is here, but quickly writes them off when he sees two of the boys laughing. I'm on the fence about this detail, which I'll unpack in just a second.

First though, Yusuke sees Keiko exiting the house, inconsolable in her grief. She collapses on the ground with her two friends trying to offer comfort, despite the fact that they had nothing good to say about Yusuke himself. Good on them.

Before he can think too long on this though, Yusuke is distracted by Kuwabara's arrival. Unlike Keiko's crying, he expresses his grief through yelling. Specifically, yelling at Yusuke. For dying. For daring to "run away." His own friends are physically holding him back as he charges into the wake, screaming, “Who am I gonna fight now, huh? Who am I gonna fight?" It's not really about the fighting, of course. At least, not the fighting alone. "You’re supposed to be here for me," Kuwabara finishes, the punch he's thrown at Yusuke's photo going limp and catching his first tear.

You know, for all the goofy expressions, this show really is gorgeous. Just wait until we get to the fight animations.

Kuwabara's reaction is why I hesitate to write off the classmates like Yusuke has. Granted, we have no reason to believe that they care for him as Kuwabara does — they're nameless background characters defined only by their terror of "the great Urameshi" — but it's still a split second taken out of context. We don't know what they were laughing at, or if laughing is a part of their grief. God knows I personally laugh at the most inappropriate moments. If you tell me someone has just died there is a very good chance I will laugh awkwardly as I try to process that. It’s just a reflex. All of which I bring up not because these side characters are important, but because Yusuke's perception of his own worth is. The point of each of these moments is to show that those around him have always cared for him, even if Yusuke didn't notice. It's nice to think that extends to his classmates too. The variety likewise exists to show us how people grieve differently, with Kuwabara's friends not understanding that this is how he's working through the trauma: “This place is for mourning!” He is mourning, even if his way of mourning isn't as socially acceptable as Keiko's. So if screaming and throwing punches is valid, crying is valid, staring stoically in a drunk stupor is valid... why not laughter too?

Not likely, perhaps, but possible.

As an additional possibility to chew on, watching this premier again, it struck me how more emotional Kuwabara's scene is compared to Keiko's. Don't get me wrong, crying and calling Yusuke’s name gets the point across, but it's two seconds of generic grief compared to a much longer scene rife with intensity. When Kuwabara arrives the music swells and everyone is forced to pay attention to him. His grief is loud, violent, and given symbolism with his fist and the photo. There's more effort put into his reaction, frankly, so it wouldn't surprise me if fans started shipping them after this. That grief combined with an "enemies to lovers" possibility is a pretty potent mix. To be clear, Yusuke/Keiko is the (oh so obvious) canonical endgame and in the fandom Yusuke/Kuwabara can't compare to another slash ship that will turn up later, but this is a good example of how writers can craft some Very Gay Scenes without realizing it. When you have the girl crying prettily for a second and the guy absolutely losing his mind over Yusuke's death, questioning his purpose now, his support network, and then collapsing in grief... don't be surprised if your audience goes, "Oh hey, maybe they'd be a good couple instead."

But I digress.

The only people who are unquestioningly happy about Yusuke's passing are Mr. Iwamoto and his co-conspirator, Mr. Akashi. You know Akashi is another bad guy because he has bucked teeth and "ugliness" is an easy way to code for evilness. YYH is not immune to those mistakes :/

These two are really something else though, standing in the middle of a wake and claiming it's “too bad that car wasn’t big enough for them too," referring to Kuwabara and his friends. Wow! What stellar members of the academic community. Iwamoto goes on to say that Yusuke dying at least accomplished something good. Not, mind you, saving the life of a child, but rather looking good for their school's reputation. Akashi agrees, but says it's likely Yusuke only accidentally saved him while trying to steal the kid's lunch money. Remember, that accusation of theft is the one thing Yusuke has said outright that he does not do.

He's pissed listening to all this — wouldn't you be? — but knows by now he can't do anything about it. In another fantastic shot, Yusuke hovers his hand over Iwamoto's shoulder, desperate to grab him, when Takenaka's arrives there instead.

“What do you suppose is more disgraceful? That boy showing his misery, or your insensitive and idiotic words!”

HELL YEAH. You tell 'em, Mr. Takenaka.

Yusuke gets his third shock of the night at this passionate defense. Takenaka leaves the teachers to go pay his respects, but admits to Yusuke's picture that he just can't speak well of him. He was surprised to hear that Yusuke gave up his life for another and it's a fact that he acted selfishly. Though he doesn't say it in as many words, Takenaka explains that he's not grieving because Yusuke was a good person, but because it's so clear to him that he might have been. “Why didn’t you stay? You could have made something great out of yourself.”

Normally, "Why didn't you stay?" is just something for the living to grapple with, as the dead obviously don't have any say in what happens to them. But Yusuke does. It's here that the lighting grows soft again and Yusuke considers Takenaka's words. Keiko and Kuwabara grieve for who he was, but Takenaka grieves for who Yusuke could have been — someone that might still exist if Yusuke decides to undergo this ordeal.

Atsuko adds fuel to the emotional fire, breaking down and hiding her face in her knees.

Finally, the kid Yusuke saved arrives with his mother. Because yes, Yusuke saved him in every way that matters, considering no one else knows — or will know — that he'd have lived anyway. I like that the show doesn't allow that knowledge to undermine the emotion of their arrival, or what Yusuke’s act meant to them.

The mom tells her son to pay his respects and the kid thanks Yusuke for saving him, and for "making faces." He clearly doesn't get what's going on here. This is confirmed as the two leave and he asks his mom if he can play with Yusuke again tomorrow. “I know some people sounded angry at him, but he’s really nice!"

They're probably just crying because they want to play with him too, he thinks, which just makes his mom join in. Everyone is crying in this club tonight.

Those words are the cincher for Yusuke and with a brief montage of all the grief he's witnessed, he makes his decision.

We cut to later that night where Yusuke floats above the city, admiring the moon. Botan reappears and he asks, “Have you ever not known about something that seemed obvious to everyone else?” Yes, everyone has experienced that at one point or another. She asks if he's made his decision and Yusuke agrees to try and come back to life.

Emotional revelations out of the way, we're allowed another tone shift as Botan yells with joy, speeding off and causing Yusuke to grab hold of the end of her oar, lest he be left behind. Cranky as always, he demands to know where they're going. "To the spirit world, of course!" They're off to see someone who can explain the ordeal and give Yusuke the tool needed to complete it. Just hang on and enjoy the ride.

Thus ends our very first episode! Ah, the nostalgia. This is part one of a four arc series, with the anime cutting out a lot of the filler stories found at the start of the manga — a smart decision, I think. They primarily do the work of teaching Yusuke what he learned at the wake, so if you can accomplish that as quickly as the adaptation did, all the better. Especially since Yusuke needs to grow a great deal beyond the basic understanding that people might, sort of care for him, and that work will occur primarily through a job he's going to take on. The series isn't really about his death and it's not about an attempt to come back either — it's about what happens once you get that second chance. So this is the setup, but it's important setup all the same.

No need to skip ahead though. I've blathered enough for one recap. I hope you enjoyed and I'll see you when the writing gods next bless me with energy! 💜

#YYH #Yu Yu Hakusho #YYH recaps #mymetas

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rosyk · 3 years

Text

Deja vu

pairing: bang chan x reader, (a bit of han jisung x reader)

genre: heavy angst, passion, romance, one-sided love, bestfriends, long distance relationship

warnings: light curses, death, depression, mentions of alcohol and drugs, family problems, mentions of forced sexual activity, insecurities, anxiety, etc. (Its quite detailed in the first part and could trigger some people in these type and if you are one of them, I advice you not to read. It can really be uncomfortable on the first part)

word count: 11.5k

inspiration: Before We Knew It ch. 36-38 (webtoon), White Flowers- Olivia Rodrigo (unreleased song)

a/n: This is the least fic I loved but I had to continue it to start a new one and i won’t ever write things as long as this (it’s hard) lol. I don’t know who’ll ever read this long and cringey story but I hope it’s worth your time (?)

If I were to describe a man I’d love to marry someday, it would be someone tall, doesn’t openly show their true feelings towards me, and leads me in life. However, you were the exact opposite of it.

I didn’t even know when and why I fell in love with you. Was it at first sight? No. Was it because someone told me about my indistinguishable feelings for you? No. It was like how love was portrayed in novels and books. I just knew it. Instead of leading my life, you made me, myself, want to lead and search for my future. After you happily talked about your passion for music, you made me feel as if you were the right one. It made me think, “Maybe I do want to be with him until the end of life”. I believe something great would occur and I want to be there when that happens. When the music he produces, raps he created, genres he invented, and when his voice reaches the world, I want to be on his side and be proud I was able to witness all of that. You were everything in times I was the “nothing”.

I truly wished to be a singer right from the start. My dream was unaccepted by my family because the job isn’t as stable as it seems. I had to study medicine since then. Therefore seeing you was like seeing how I could’ve been. I stopped my passion but you made me pursue the unpursued, break off the imaginary limits I had created in my mind. I developed a fear of having to try again. I never sang after years and tried to let go of my past. But you? You lifted me away from the cage of darkness I trapped myself in. My anxiety was too deep to the point I was afraid of people, nightmares, thoughts, happiness, living, being alone, home, and simply just everything.

Even I was scared of myself.

Then I knew this is the worst a person could be. It isn’t when someone takes drugs, drinks alcohol, or flees away from home. It is when he or she no longer wants to take a step forward. I was frightened by the idea of love but also the idea of being alone. I was terrified to open up when the people closest to me never understood but was scared when I keep everything to myself too much up until I’m tired. I feared death the most, how much more if I was living? I remember cutting myself in bed when I overheard my parents fighting because of my presence. I was shaking, desperately trying to suppress my weeping. Was I sad because I didn’t have good childhood memories I could reminisce? Or was I happy for myself because that was the bravest thing I did? I was too young to understand what I truly felt but I didn’t regret a single thing.

I know the difference between wrong and right but why can’t I tell when it comes to situations that involve me? Is it wrong to think it would’ve been best if I was sleeping forever, in a depth of endless time even though I know I should live for a purpose I couldn’t find or for people who don’t care? But is it also right to live and hope miserably someone out there would find and help me even though it means staying and coping with the pain? Whenever I make a decision, I could hear trapped voices rambling in my head, time ticking as fast as my heartbeat, my soul pressuring me, and my mind that creates negative scenarios which cause me to step back before even having the chance to run. In general, I’ve had to overthink my overthinking.

I also have the habit of blaming myself. As deeper as it goes, it became my lifestyle then. I blamed myself for playing the victim as if I was the only one hurting amidst the world. I blamed myself for crying when I had no right because I gave people terrible occurrences. I blamed myself for the inability to be brave and commit what I feared the most. I also blamed myself for silently not crying loud enough to the point that my facade turned out stronger.

Looking back, I was a total mess in which I couldn’t even call myself human. My only best friends were the mirror and my own shadow. I was 10 so I appreciated how the mirror felt the same feelings as mine. It doesn’t laugh when I cry even though the creatures surrounding me do. But for the same reason, I hated it. It reflects my despair, how horrible I looked causing me to despise it the most. My shadow on the other hand makes me feel I’m not alone at the end of the day. But I also despised it the moment my mom locked me up in my room, isolating me in darkness to forget all the traumas I had given her. Because even the shadow disappears in my darkest hours. And just like friends, it all just ended. I no longer want to feel love if love was meant to hurt.

Years of living in hell passed by, until you came.

“You okay?”

I was crying at the staircase in the nearest tunnel found at school. I was a 16-year-old who tried to break away from my dad’s drunken behavior. Running away was another brave thing I did but it was because the thought of him doing me was scary enough.

It was embarrassing to let you see me like this but surprise was the first reaction I had. No one ever dared to approach me because of my low status and the suspicious silence that I give. Questions filled my head as to why you bothered talking to me. Were the rumors unbelievable enough?

“I am new here but I haven’t seen you a lot in school. Are you the same as I am?”

So he’s a transferee. Honestly speaking, I was discouraged. It’s clear that he would slowly stop approaching me as soon as he knew the rumors. You introduced yourself and asked for my name. I gave you a silent treatment causing you to face my direction. We stared at each other for minutes. You finally gave up and sat beside me as I turned my gaze back at the people playing in the park, sighing heavily.

“Would you like to hear my life?” You look at me, expecting something. I turned back at you, both eyebrows raised. You showed your smile, with those little cute dimples on each side to get away from the awkward atmosphere. Trust me when I tell you that was the brightest thing I’ve ever seen in my whole life. Maybe you did show me the colors I didn’t know I needed in my life.

“Oh… I guess you don’t then? I mean why would you be interested right?” You laughed yourself off but as usual, expected some remarks from me. My eyes panicked as I shook my head quickly from side to side. My eyebrows creased as I bit my lip, hoping you understood what I meant.

“So you do want to hear it?” I shook my head up and down as an approval of your question. Unnoticeably, it was the first time I felt eager especially when it comes to humans.

“Isn’t it annoying though?” I got the hint you wanted to tease me considering your giggles but I was too caught up in assumptions that you wouldn’t continue your storytelling. Thus, I did the same thing, turning my head from side to side, trying to convince you that I desperately want to know what happens in the lives of some.

“Cute” you mumbled to yourself but I was able to hear the word that came out from you. You patted my head casually as you started to talk about your life. I grew slightly embarrassed, curling myself, holding my knees, and acted as if I didn’t hear anything.

You were transparently open in talking to the point that I finally knew what “precious” actually meant. Although it was for a moment I knew it would stop soon, you definitely saved me from all I felt.

There I knew how our lives were exact opposites. If I felt everything, the happiness, and sadness, contrasting feelings I couldn’t comprehend, you on the other hand felt nothing. As soon as your dearest brother got into an accident, you didn’t know what to do. If I had abusive and malicious parents, you had no one to be with. I couldn’t even imagine what would happen If I lived your life.

I knew I was bad for thinking of such a way but I took advantage of your life. It made me feel relieved that there were people who faced the worst monsters than I have inside me. It made me look at the positive side of mines.

Much especially when I didn’t expect it would be you. My first impression of you was this carefree pure guy who had no problems in living his life. Little did I know, you were waking up feeling nothing, smiling with no joy, cries without letting out the pain, and laughs despite the numbness and burden that weighs in your heart. I guess we can’t judge people by the way they appear. We never know how much tears they’ve shed every night.

You summarized and wrapped things up. You asked for my name one last time before leaving. But there I was, hung my head low and sniffles could be heard. You looked in confusion as I tried to cover my face. A surprise was evident in your reaction and it was obvious due to your stuttering. You tried to ask what happened but instead hugged me unconsciously.

That was the first time I’ve ever felt warmth. I was born a mistake so even my parents couldn’t give me this kind of comfort. I cried worse as I had thought of it. The idea of a stranger giving me a better meaning of how home felt like than a family does, who wouldn’t tear up after that?

I don’t want to be ahead of time. But hope filled my mind. Maybe I could find more people like him. Maybe someone out there could notice my emotions. Maybe someone could act as my light. Maybe someone does care about my wellbeing. Out of a huge percentage of people living on Earth, there should be one who could at least meet and save me right? I know I settled in all “maybes” but it was much better than having none.

Recalling the series of events, I was a total problem. Yet you were always there for me no matter how heavy of a burden I am. You were the one who believed in me when I couldn’t, picked me up when I was drowning in a wave of traumas and worries, and lightened my deep void. You were my first and swore you’ll be my last, who broke my past and created my unknown beginning. I hated risks but whenever you are involved, I for sure know it is worth it no matter how many needles it may pain me. It had been years before noticing how much you mean to me I may be late, but would never get tired of this. I will listen and enjoy our memories until the end. You will, for eternal love, be my last song in my only playlist.

Although it’s true we never believed in love since the beginning. But all we do know is that we’d like to spend our whole lives together. It’s as if we were bound by the heavens to meet and help one another. With all that’s happening, I would like to assume that this is love people were talking about. Who knew it could be this powerful to change someone?

[CHAN’S POV]

And what happened to the “messy innocent girl who was stained by reality?” She became an unrecognizable teen, as pure as ever. In the past, I wasn’t able to feel the emotions most do but look at me now, smiling every time I see you do. Even though I’ve never felt heavy feelings, these light ones are taking a toll on me whenever you call my name.

We had arguments but never had any misunderstandings. This is all because no matter what I say, you are always by my side. I could tell you day by day how much you mean the world to me, my downfalls, and everything unnecessary but you’d still listen to it with no regrets.

Right now, we’re meeting up for a “little date” as you mentioned. I was going to decline because there had been many requirements in class but you seemed too interested that I didn’t want to break it to you.

I was wearing my usual hoodie sweater with baggy pants and ordered for both of us. After all, you would always choose chocolate whipped shakes over anything. You seemed to take too long so I decided to work on some demands given. I turned on my laptop and opened the application as I placed the headphones on my ear, silencing the noise in my surroundings.

Now all I can hear is my heartbeat pounding and swallowing as my throat started to dry. The loading symbol appeared on my screen and I hoped it would stay like that forever. I hoped it would crash and tried to find more excuses for me not to use it.

I was consistently looking at the time shown on the panel below the main screen. The blue circular sign still turns and turns as I see it from my peripheral vision. 3:31, 3:32, 3:33, the minutes kept moving and hands that are now shaking because I assumed this would be the worst nightmare that could happen. But no, cause “worst nightmare” is an understatement when we are referring to this. It would’ve been better as a nightmare because I could wake up from this traumatic moment. I was focused on my screen that I hadn’t noticed the calling in my front.

“Channie?... Chris?.... Christopher?... Mr.Bang Chan?.. Chan!”

[Y/N’S POV]

He finally noticed me as soon as I tapped on his shoulders. He flinched and looked at me in horror. It creeped me out but it took seconds before he could pull his eyes away from mine. He bit his lips and I noticed him covering his hands. The staff called out a number which I believe was from our table considering the way he closed his laptop.

“I’m getting that” You forced a little smile as you made way to the counter

I smiled at the thought of our “date” but seeing you sweating and nervously fidgeting your fingers to avoid them from shaking bothers me. Did something happen before you came? Why was he that nervous? Thoughts bombarded my mind, but you coming back with my favorite drink and snacks, looking all-smiley, tells me as if you noticed my discomfort so you tried cheering me up. You sat down in front of me and got rid of your problems. As usual, this guy notices even the littlest gestures I make.

“Did you wait too long?” I asked you with enthusiasm because our little date has now started. The idea non-stop makes my whole day

“No, I just arrived before you did.” You respond with a genuine smile despite the clear lie you just gave. You stroked my hair as you looked at me lovingly

“Oh, I just passed by that bakery we talked about a year ago…..” I started chatting about our fond memories that remain vivid in my head.

It took several hours of talking and enjoying our time together. We also watched that Philippine movie starring two exes who broke up and lived in one house, but being an emotional wreck, it took 30 mins of you trying to comfort me as I cry ugly. Of course, you didn’t miss an opportunity to laugh at me and even took a video. Teasing me and showing my picture as your wallpaper, made me playfully angry.

We also enjoyed visiting the same tunnel where we met. The nostalgia is present. The moon is shining and I can’t help but smile looking at you.

[CHANS POV]

You look beautiful under the moon if I must say. I wanted to show the magnificent view because it reminds me of you whenever I see it up above. You were my only light when my days in the past were too dark.

We continued strolling around, counting the streetlights that passed by and talked about a lot of things. Until you decided to speak up-

“About…. the thing that happened earlier?” You looked up to me, but your eyes soon started moving away from mines. You were held on with the anxiety of trying to speak up whenever it had come to my personal life. I don’t know whether it was the trauma you’ve stumbled upon when you asked about my father or it’s just due to your manners. Nonetheless, if it was indeed your trauma, I’ve felt guilty about it and wanted to reassure you I won’t hurt you ever again. “But if you don’t want to talk about it-“ I cut your sentence off.

“My father was a musician..” your eyes shined with glee in my response

“That’s cool!” You exclaimed but it soon faded into a frown after hearing me sigh. Tilting your head, you tried to calculate everything that’s wrong with it. I nervously fidgeted with my hands and knuckles, contemplating a decision that could change and even affect both of us.

“Everything’s wrong... He was into it, music took his mindset and life” I faced my head sideways and gulped without looking at your eye. The trauma, I’m finally telling my pent-up feelings after a lifetime keeping it to myself.

“He was so into composing music and started to forget about the reason he had started to do it. And by that-“ you cut off my sentence and started to nod a few times, pressing your lips together. You pointed your shaky finger at me and spoke softly.

“I think I know where this is going.” You looked at me in disbelief but all I could do is look at you with concern and guilt, asking for forgiveness. “Is this why you didn’t want to love again even after all these years?” Your eyes that shined stars a moment ago, turned into sun at night. It wasn’t raging darkness, but plain agony.

“Can you blame me? I know I love music, I’ve told you that on repeat for years. Is love what I need when that was the cause of everything?”

You didn’t take one glance at me and started walking faster. You were trying to leave me behind but I was quick to grab your hand.

“Please, let’s not act like this. It’s starting to get..” I was trying to think of a less harsh word because things get complicated day by day. And here I thought this date would be an exception. “Childish. Okay? I don’t get why you’re so out of place and it’s like-“

“So now I’m the one getting childish here?” You turned around and faced me, finally. Though it wasn’t any relieving as I expected. You were having tears stuck in your eyes, ready to fall at anytime yet you don’t want to cry in front of me. Are we going to keep this up? I was about to talk but no words came out of me. Until you decided to continue your sentence.

“You knew about this all the time, right? You knew how I was starting to fall for you and yet you continued our relationship without feeling love?” You bit your lips as your eyebrows creased. Trying to push me away, but all I could do was hold you tighter. “I know how trauma feels like. I’ve been there, we’ve been there. But you could’ve told me sooner at least so I’m not the only one looking like a whole fucking fool here, Christopher.” You tried to get away from my hold and yes, you did. Though as I tried to grab your hand once again, you took a step backward and placed your hands up in the air as a sign of surrender. “Call me sensitive but for God’s sake! How could you get me all wrapped up in your finger for the past years and call it something that isn’t attachment nor love? What was I to you then?” It took seconds for me to get the gist of what you’re trying to say and I did understand but I couldn’t answer that simple question.

Because now that I think of it, was I awful to hesitate who you were in my life? Was those years nothing for me then? I want to protect you until the end and I wanted to see you happy but I’m pretty sure I felt this for some of my friends as well. Did I just get into a relationship whilst thinking of my significant other as a friend? Is it called using someone? Taking advantage to make my life better? I know what’s right and what’s wrong. But I don’t know which is which. Getting into a relationship is a risky choice and I don’t want to hurt anybody in between. Because I know that’s what’s wrong. Using others for my need of affection and love is wrong as well. But is this exactly what I’m doing? I don’t know...As things grow, it just gets complicated to the point that I couldn’t even comprehend situations.

“I thought so” you continued, and those words crushed my heart. I didn’t notice the time we’ve been arguing, though technically it’s just you who was able to speak, that we’ve already reached your house. You opened the tiny gate in front of your house and I know what’s going to happen sooner later.

“Maybe, you need time to think about it alright? I don’t think I can keep up with a relationship like this if it’s too one-sided. But don’t worry I’ll wait. Even though what I want may not come,” you chuckled but the sigh was still evident. “I’ll wait for you.” You smiled, but it isn’t the one you’ve always shown me. I was the reason for your happiness but also the reason for your pain. How tragic must have been that sound.

You went your way to the door and closed it. I knew you were crying as I heard little sniffles but never looked my way. Closing the door, that was the last time I had ever seen you. With no goodbye kisses and hugs, you left feeling the ache you didn’t deserve.

[YOUR POV]

It was supposed to be “taking a break”, but considering this, I should’ve accepted it as a break-up. You never took time texting me after the whole 4 months. I guess I was no one in your life. But even though I was still hurt, I regretted spatting out things as if it was your fault. You always get guilty over things and I know it was all just because you had a hard time reciprocating your feelings because of the lack of love you’ve felt. I should’ve understood that part but being the sensitive me, I was unmindful. I’ve also never seen you walk past the corridors nowadays, so it’s basically been also the same 4 months of actually not seeing you as well. You really bothered trying to get out of my life.

I groaned as I sat up in the bed. It was around 8:30 and I’m like 1 hour and 30 mins late? Not that I’m bothered by it since I’ve gotten used to it. It’s not like our teacher is there by the time I arrive.

-SCHOOL-

“Outside, now” was the first and last thing I’ve heard as I entered my classroom. And here I thought the teacher wasn’t present. Not only did I embarrass myself in front of my classmates, but I’d also have to stand holding a chair, outside the classroom for lower and higher-ups students to see. Awful, and my reputation is broken. Well, not that I had any significant reputation in the first place but come on, you know how hard it was to see students bickering while looking at you.

I heard the door click open and I hoped it was the teacher who finally would let me in. It turned out to be another classmate of mines which I thought was unnecessary. But as I looked back up and noticed his eyes, a sense of familiarity came unto me.

“Han?” My eyes widened at the sight in front of me. I’m not expecting people to be perfect but our class president was the last person I expected to be scolded by our teacher. “Weren’t you inside the classroom way before me?”

“I cursed.” The guy spoke shortly and lifted the chair just like the same punishment I’ve been doing. I blinked my eyes twice but understood nothing.

“Pardon?” I replied in a high tone as if I was questioning what he was trying to say. Cursed? Is he out of his mind, trying to curse in front of the teacher? Besides, he had always been this quiet kid, but girls still tend to simp over. The latter though is out of my knowledge.

“What did you say?” I leaned in as you jolted quite a bit. Reacting to the sudden flinch, I assumed it was bold of me to do so and it scared you. But looking straight at you, pink tints were found on the side of the cheeks. It was light and definitely cute.

“F-fuck” he faced me with eyebrows creased and hesitated in replying. It was so short and awkward whenever he’d say it or maybe it’s also due to his stuttering. The thought was so out of the place and even I, who is quite free doesn’t curse in front of the teacher for no reason so why would someone who tries to stay low, would curse? But the way you told me the “forbidden” word made me laugh out loud.

“You’re funny, Mr. class president” I replied after a silent 2 minutes and laughed while hitting him lightly. Little amounts of liquids were falling down my deep brown eyes as I tried to regain my breathing. He’s awkward and that’s what makes it funny. I like him.

I wiped off my tears and stared at you. My laughs slowly died down after seeing your confusing expression. I don’t know whether your eyes held a safe haven or a place I was indulged in and forgot about the point that everything was complicated in between. Whether staring at you was comfortable or confusing. All I know is that I was distracted by the genuine smile you gave. It was little but I knew it was a smile after seeing cute dimples on the side of your lips. Now that I think of it, I haven’t ever seen the president smile.

You noticed my pause and coughed, trying to clear out the tension. The usual demeanor was back. Was everything just an illusion then?

“Anyways, I don’t know about you but I’m gonna have to go. Don’t want stay here standing when time’s already up” you lazily said as you pressed your lips together, leaving me speechless all alone. Raising your hand, you waved back at me while walking away and didn’t even take time to look back.

That was weird. Or was I the only one weird? True, I’ve never seen him around that much but I’ve painted the guy as someone responsible considering the works he finished even after given such a small time. He was indeed open-minded but wasn’t out-spoken or friendly. Work is work and he has to make sure he aces his tests for his reputation to not tarnish even one bit, that’s all that matters to him. He was never used to smiling so he doesn’t do it as much, at least that’s what I’ve heard. I’m guessing it must be my imagination.

/LUNCHTIME/

Guess what? It’s already lunchtime and I haven’t learned a single bit of information from my teacher’s discussion. Shrugging all my homework, projects, quizzes, oral recitations, and performances that are all due this afternoon, I walked out of the classroom.

But before I did so, I found a familiar guy in my peripheral vision. Trying to confirm whether it was him, I turned and called his name out.

“Mr. president?”

The same awkward and serious guy turned around, raising his right brow. You were confused at first about who would call you with no respect, but hummed in surprise as a response.

“It’s Han for you... and for everyone” trying to continue the work you’ve been doing for our school camp which is totally several months later. What’s the rush?

“Drop the formalities! Besides, I like Mr. president way better.” I smiled and tilted my head then flipped my hair. I was a whole smug for thinking my naming sense was the best thing about me.

“Like, like?”

The same vibe always comes up whenever I’m talking to you and I don’t know why. How is it so hard to interact with smart ones? I feel like their language is different and I couldn’t even comprehend what this guy is trying to say.

“like?”

“You like mr. president. That’s what you said”

And that’s how it struck me. Looking back on everything, it seems pretty weird. (I like Mr. President way better) rings all throughout my head. I know he’s been surrounded by girls who have a crush on him but surely he doesn’t think of this as a low-key confession, right?

Please, I didn’t deserve any of this awkward tension. I did walk up to him first but blame my curiosity for wondering what he’s doing in his free time, does he always go to the library whenever, or what do the lifestyle elites like him actually have? Maybe, I did just want a friend but who knew it would be this complicated. Wrong choice.

“The names you provide for people are so dull” you faked a yawn to show how uninterested you are.

I laughed out and tried to hide the embarrassment I’ve felt inside. He meant the name of course! What was I thinking? He quickly got up and proceeded to leave the classroom as if he understood what I wanted to do. He catches up with things fast if I must say. But the feeling didn’t subside in me and I tried to cover up my face with my hands as soon as he left. Heaving a deep sigh, I reassured myself and followed him.

-CAFETERIA-

“This is all they’ve got?”

It’s been a second we’ve entered the school cafeteria and yet this elite beside me was already complaining. We sat down on the white benches and I was also relieved the cafeteria doesn’t have many students since our class ended earlier than the desired time.

“You’ll get used to it. Besides, what do you commonly eat for lunch? This is good.” I replied and waited for a response that never came back. I’m thinking it was a wall I’m talking to. You ate the soup and showed a face of disgust. Of course, I don’t give up.

“Do you have different cafeterias?” “Or do you eat in your respective rooms?” “Do you actually eat? cause you looked really busy with the requirements.” “Being a class president is that hard huh? I don’t think I’ve seen anyone as hard-working as you even if they have high titles.” “You know if I was the class-“

“Why do you ask so many questions? Geez” you swept your hair and sighed. You felt tired talking to someone as chatty as me but all I could do is playfully pout and raise both my eyebrows up. Shrugging, I respond.

“Why not?”

You glared at me but I wasn’t taken aback by it so you decided to reply, finally. “The real question is, why?” you tried to peacefully eat and finished it quickly so you could go to the library, I suppose. It was going smoothly until my small brain with low grammar or structure skills decided to pop up the least moment I wanted it to.

“Because I’m interested in you.”

Choking was all I could hear after I simply stated. Panicking, I gave you my water unknowingly and you drank it. I patted your back and stroked it gently.

“You okay?” I tried to calm you down but your face seemed to ask me whether you were okay even after everything was obvious.

“You mean you’d like to know about my lifestyle?” You analyzed my reaction as I tilted my head. I mean isn’t that clear? Your eyes seemed like you got the hang of me again and scoffed, rolling your eyes. Wow! Now, what’s up with this attitude?

“It’s common. Just some random New York steak.” My eyes widened and my ears couldn’t believe what they’re hearing. That’s common? Gosh, even my monthly allowance couldn’t afford to buy a whole steak, what more if it was specifically in New York? And the way he didn’t bother to flex about his lunchtime food and acts as if it’s unimportant.

“Enough about me, how about you?” I believe you were trying to ask for the sake of the conversation but it excites me anyway. I mean, an elite asking me about my life? It boosts my pride, internally laughing as I thought of the idea.

“What do you want to know about me?” Grinning, I eagerly waited for the question. How blessed I am to have an upper-class student to not just interact, but ask about me as well.

“What happened between you and Bang Chan?”

I’m taking it all back. I don’t want to hear any questions. I was wrong. By Bang Chan, I knew straight away he was referring to Chris. The mentioned ex became an elite, or so I heard. I don’t know how, why, or when but that’s the only reason possible for him to know there was a thing between us. But unlike me, Mr. President wants to make sure of everything and not just the rumors he had heard.

“No.” I simply stated and continued to eat.

“Why not?”

“I should be the one asking you why”

“Because I’m interested in you”

I paused and was slightly surprised by the sudden declaration. Okay, my way of telling him made me look crazy. I looked up to him and saw a pair of teasing eyes. This is who mr. president is? Now it was my time to roll my eyes and I knew at that moment I had no escape.

“Exes. We’re exes.” I expected a startled expression from you but your lips curled downwards as if you expected it. How was it hard to read this guy’s mind though he immediately catches up on everything I’m feeling?

Days passed by and as usual, I was the one annoying you. At that very time, we became close because I knew you were a comfortable place for me to be in. You don’t judge unlike what others do each time I open up my problems especially when it comes to my relationship with an elite and Christopher, out of all. For sure, you were the right choice of friend I never knew I needed to rely on.

[YOUR JOURNAL]

Just a few days passed by and I hear lots of students whispering. What’s the occasion? I don’t even know myself yet I’ve brought a ring that matches mine. I’m naive but I always trust my instincts no matter what. As I try to recall the date and puts everything together in one piece from all the clues I’ve gotten.

A familiar man appeared in my sight. But he wasn’t mr. president. He was looking at me and I continued to look at those deep brown eyes I’ve longed to see after a long time. Was I prepared? No. Did I want to see him? I’m not sure so myself. But did I actually like that view? Indeed. My very first heartbreak or hiatus came back after months and to see he felt the same way I did. Did the moment I waited for all of my life would finally happen?

Each step you take, the more my anxiety rushes through me. I felt the shivers either because I was scared or it was the tears I’ve forced to stop from rolling down my cheeks. Or simply both, ignoring the fact that I was hurt yet I did want to see you after all. I wanted to walk away, but if I did then I’m making the same mistake twice. Therefore I stood still silent and only my heartbeat is the loudest out of all.

Closing my eyes, I expected strong grips around my wrist which marks it deep red because anger was the only thing present in the space between us. I didn’t take consideration of the things you’ve gone through but instead became selfish just because I’ve moved on from the past. I did tell you I would wait for you forever but all I gave you was the pressure of making you choose decisions at times you were having a hard time. Just because you made me learn the definition of love, doesn’t mean I could anticipate that you felt the same thing.

Quite on the contrary, I’ve felt warmth and comfort. The grip was truly strong, strong enough to hurt me emotionally and not physically unlike what I expected. The grip I’ve felt was hanging around me, a hug was given to me even when I didn’t deserve this.

“I’m sorry” that was what I’ve heard in the muffled and low volume of voice the man had spoken because he was on the verge of tears. I was supposed to be the one asking for an apology, yet this guy took it to heart once again. Typical Christopher.

“I missed you. I’ve realized I can’t do things without you. It’s been hard..” Your sentence cut the uncertainty I’ve felt. It came, he came. I cried my heart out after not breathing for a second. It would finally work out, after months of trying to ask for support from other people, you entered my life once again. And better? You loved me.

It was your graduation, and I’m glad to be there just like what we dreamed it to be. You may have left, but our romance never stopped.

Cliché right? Of course, that never happens in reality. What happens, is the point that we argue every day because of the long-distance relationship that serves as an obstacle in us. We don’t even know whose mistake it is but considering you, you’ve always been the one who let your pride down and ask for forgiveness. There are times it’s also been me because I realized that this guy doesn’t deserve more burdens in his life. Support is everything I could give.

“Everything working out?” I was astounded by the call Hanji decided to initiate first. He’s always been there for me when I had it rough. He cares for me though he doesn’t show it as much.

“I don’t know. I’ve rarely been receiving texts but he made sure to call me anytime soon. We’ve both been fighting against this. Thanks by the way” You sighed after I finished my sentence. I hoped my exhaustion wasn’t able to reach you but you knew straight away.

“What do you see in him? He is talented and ideal but do you think you both match up?“

It was good he called but hitting it directly at me and doubts our relationship? That’s what triggered and ticked me off. “I told you not to talk about this.” I firmly uttered.

“He doesn’t get the way you act, talk or even feel”

“I’m sorry? What do you mean by that?” It’s rare to see us quarrel because you didn’t want to reach that point and yet it’s you trying to get all complicated once again. Here I thought I got the hang of how you think. “He understands me more than anyone.”

“If he does then why didn’t he call by then?”

“He was busy. I repeated that to you more than thrice throughout the whole call. But if he wasn’t busy then he’d take a grasp of everything.”

“Was he? Because the last time I knew you had a rough day, crying all alone, he didn’t. The time I knew I had to cheer you up, he didn’t. The time I knew I needed to reassure you that no one’s ever going to leave you but stay by your side, even though you didn’t realize about it, he didn’t.”

3 seconds passed by before my voice was heard in the line.

“What does that have to do with all these?”

“I understand you but the guy you wanted to be with, doesn’t”

That was it, the final blow. Both were concerning, the whole sentence is. Starting from the conclusion you understood me up until the thought of me wanting a guy who doesn’t pick me up the way I assume couples needed. We had a relationship with Chris, but was it called a relationship with lots of things in between?

“I’m sorry. Slipped out. I was just irritated.” It was a first for you to apologize but my mind wandered to the part where you compared yourself to Christopher.

“What do you mean by you understanding me when he doesn’t?”

“I mean... If I did understand you, then I’m pretty sure a lot more boys out there would be a better match and would recognize your desire. They would be able to take care of you. You know I’m just.. worried.”

If it was the usual vibe, I would’ve laughed at that lame excuse. But thinking back, it’s hard for me to perceive the way you feel about me. I’ve heard rumors but ended up being nonchalant about it because mr. president having feelings? I chose to believe it wasn’t real especially when I’m already facing a hard time.

“good night.” You continued after the short silence. It was now you who was starting to get exhausted. You cut off the line quickly before I could even reply. Was the relationship between me and Chris wasn’t able to follow up fate? How innocent of me to think that true love comes so easily.

Days turned to months and I lost count of the weeks Chris has been gone by my side. He had never failed to text compared in the past, but I still yearned for his affection.

He seemed excited on the phone today and unknowingly called me 5 times and now a 6-

“Christopher, aren’t you busy?” I giggled as I heard him laugh. It made my day and filled up the void in me that was created because of the thought he isn’t able to be with me on my graduation day.

“I have duties... as your boyfriend” I playfully rolled my eyes without expecting a turn of events.

It was my final day in school and to think that I have to spend it alone because I had no friends, awful. Chris made my day though, so I wanted to enjoy it to the fullest. But the feeling of not seeing Hanji anymore still lingered in my mind. It was harsh but I had to accept it. We didn’t talk that much but undoubtedly, he was a good friend in times I need him.

Whilst looking around the stalls in the halls, I found him. He was talking to a guy seemingly the same age as ours and he looked so happy. But as his eyes met mines, was it just me, or did it die down? Maybe he doesn’t want to see me after all? His eyes traveled back to the sushi he ordered but sighed as I ran up to him.

“Mr. president?” The happy and annoying tone of calling him wasn’t present anymore. It was gloomy, hesitating if I should bother his hours or time. “Did I do something?” What happened to our closure? it flees away.

I saw you in the process of trying to smile a little and just hummed to let me know nothing’s wrong. But everything is. You ignored me and walked up to the classroom. I followed you, as I always do. I decided to speak up but you cut me off.

“I’m sorry if I did-“

“Are you still interested in me?”

You turned around and confronted my small figure. It hurts the way you try to smile in front of me but failed to do so. Usually, you always made me believe what you wanted me to. You’d say you’re fine, you’re happy, you’re not exhausted, but right now? I’m not buying it. I may not be able to read you that much, but you seemed too tired to the point that your magic of convincing me didn’t work.

“Interested..?”

“You said you were interested in how elite ones live. Now that you got the answer and your boyfriend is one, what am I there for?”

“You were there for me-“

“when he couldn’t be there”

You were being on and off, getting more complicated as time passes by. You don’t go straight to the point but instead, run circles until I have a hard time contemplating whether I’m the wrong one.

“What are you trying to imply?” I questioned

“I don’t need a quote that says don’t expect something in return”

“Return? After everything, we’ve been through? Our friendship? Was it all just nothing? How doesn’t that benefit you?”

“Because the more I give you your need, why do I have to receive pain instead?” Your voice was shaky and I can see you biting your lip, trying to suppress yourself from falling and breaking. “You wanted to know me because you were curious about my life. Now that you know of it, what do you want from me?”

“What do you mean what do I want? I want nothing from you. The bond that we’re tied in is enough for “

“Then who am I to you?”

“I told you, a friend.”

“My purpose in your life?”

“Lifting me up whenever I feel....down”

“So did you recognize how that sound like to you?”

Among both of us, I broke down first. Why am I being the one treated like the villain in this story taking advantage of people around me? Why am I the perceived the evil being in our friendship? Why does he want to make me feel guilty? I didn’t even know what the problem is yet, but I was already the bad one here. Call me clueless, but I couldn’t be blamed for something I don’t even know about. Quiet sobs filled in the silence and I could feel your sympathy filling the empty room.

“If ever..” in a low volume, you decided to speak “Why do you want to spend more time with me?” I looked up to you and wiped away all my tears if that’s possible.

A reason, that’s all I need to prove but no suggestions came up to my mind. Recollecting tragedies, was I the one who didn’t bother calling you when you didn’t do the same to me? Why didn’t I? You didn’t even pass my mind one single time in the past days. So why didn’t that happen? I appreciated him but when did things gradually just..stop?

Tears fell down yours as well but you didn’t want me to look at you in the eye. “You were supposed to say for more memories, you know? Like because I actually made you happy so you wanted me to appreciate our moments. Believe it or not, that’s what they say” you laughed to lift the air but I was still left dumbfounded after everything. How terrible of me, that thought echoes repeatedly.

Hours passed by and I wasn’t feeling it. The sun turned gloomy, the loud cheer of students turned to noise, the sky turned monochrome and the atmosphere turned dull. All I could do was ask Chris regarding it. All he could say is that he appreciated how Hanji backed off and didn’t want to complicate things more by telling me. Understanding none of it, what does he mean by didn’t want to complicate things more when our quarrel was? Wow, I really am this hopeless. Slow and unaware.

I was lost in thought that I late realized how I could hear vehicles in Chris as he was on call. Was he lying then? He mentioned he was staying in but why are there noises and people chattering? I was baffled hearing one of the familiar voices behind. One seemed to be the same as my classmate.

“Where are you? I thought you said you were in your home?”

“I am home.”

Clichè as it seemed, It all felt like a slow-motion in a fast-paced sequence of events. Firstly you were just talking to me but at the next second, you were personally doing it.

Holding your phone, I finally found the guy I’ve seen and lost on the same day in the past. But now? He’s here. Promising me that he won’t leave ever again. I knew I could trust these words no matter how repetitive they're going to be. Once you tell me it, I just know you’d be by my side no matter what until the end of the world.

You were looking the same as I remembered in the past and it’s played out like deja vu. You walking up to me and giving me a whole hug of comfort, as I cried in your arms.

“How about your-“

“I don’t want you to worry about it. I’ve chosen myself, with no additional pressure, to live with you.” You stroked my hair and patted my back.

“Live with me?”

“Don’t you want to?” I was delighted and surprised by the sudden decision. I wasn’t given enough time to think about it, not that I needed time anyway. I would always choose you over anything else.

It was the event and yes, I graduated with my boyfriend cheering me on and allowed me to soar high and fly, to start a new beginning.

[HAN POV]

It was good seeing you happy. Even if it was Bang Chan, I’m sure he is the only man that can make you smile like that.

But indeed, I was hurt. I was a book you wanted to read but as soon as you got ahold of the main idea, everything starts to get boring. Usually, you would never fail to not make me annoyed each day because as you always say, I cross your mind every time. When you were indulged in your relationship, I was forgotten.

It was all my mistake and you don’t have to feel guilty about it. I may not have any expectations of you loving me, but I had hopes and that’s what made me receive pain. If I hadn’t hoped you would be with me, hoping you forgot about him, hoped you could see I am just here waiting, hoped you could realize I can treat you better, then both of us wouldn’t get hurt. It’s my fault and I’m held accountable to live in regrets.

But even for a split second, I am happy that I am capable of distracting your worries and making your day better. I wasn’t thinking well in the argument a while ago but I did get the benefit. Seeing you happy, makes me happy. So letting you go is the best choice for both of us to receive joy. Scratch that, I don’t have the right to tell you I would let you go.

Because I never stood a chance did I?

[YOUR JOURNAL]

After graduating, I moved in with Christopher. He let me listen to some of the tracks he had created to stop me from bothering him all day.

The music he had composed was nothing personal and was based on people from different perspectives. I had never felt the same experience as well but something about the way he writes and produces brought me to tears. The pain and emptiness inside were well shown in the midst of harmonies. He was also a genius writer with well-structured sentences and livens up feelings in the words to make the listener feel as if he or she was the one narrating it. His father is a musician, but to think he would be able to express that much in songs just shows how deeply connected he is with music. He wasn’t motivated because he tries to stop himself from being like his father but it was a pity for him to stop something he is incredibly good at.

“You’re really something Christopher! Do you know that?” I hugged him from behind and heard his little laughs. “I think I’ve fallen for you all over again. But honestly, I knew you’d write and produce this good” I wore on a smug look as he asked while giggling because of the face I’m giving.

“How?”

“How about calling it an intuition from an expert music lover?” You playfully rolled your eyes in my response because you expected something more detailed. You urged me to explain it to you so you’d knew my opinion about the music and so I did.

“Your words are beautiful that it makes me believe anything you’ll say, Christopher” I smiled and kissed your cheek. I rested my head near your neck as we were sat on the bed, facing each other.

It was true. You made me feel different feelings and opened up a new perspective to move on from my past. You influenced me a variety of changing thoughts. I don’t like the idea of losing myself to someone because it forgets the real me. I don’t like the concept of being crazy in love with people because it doesn’t feel sweet somehow whenever the risk of it being one-sided and unable to move on is present. Not realizing that whenever the talk comes about you, it feels heavenly. I don’t know who I would be if I wasn’t yours but it all feels enchanting. Although you made me insecure, at the same time you made me laugh throughout the day. You were a gold rush. Perfect and gentle, to think that someone like me got you is like winning once in my entire life. Luck is rare but fate was there. By fate, it turned out you were destined to meet me and get me out of the hell hole, no one tried to do. By fate, it means I will love you and will forever do. By fate, we’ll stand strong and fight the cracks alongside our journey.

[CHRIS POV]

You wouldn’t take a no for an answer when I was asked to create more songs. A single shed of tear from listening to my music encouraged you to push more song requests unto me. Make-me-a-song was all I could remember hearing from you.

I remember you publishing one of my songs and I was accepted by it. You were jumping up and down as I was worried about its outcome. I was starting to get known, that was also the beginning of how the unforgivable musician started to forget about the important ones in his life. It was as if the result would be dragging my only light into my darkness. I don’t want to be a musician and yet, here I am composing more songs even if I knew what was coming soon.

I’ve started with light romance that I think you’ll enjoy but seeing you look so happy with just a simple work of mine, gave me that motivation I least wanted to have. And like a recorded cd, everything was played the exact same way in different men. I hated it but it was truly like father, like son.

I continued to write songs with deeper ones but as I got the recognition all the more, I produced as if I was possessed. I was indulged in the way words can be conveyed differently and ideas, stories, and theories were constantly overflowing my mind. I was wrapped up in music and I hated myself for it. Even though I despised the process, I couldn’t help but continuously write. All of my pent-up feelings in the past years were expressed in my songs, making me create heavy tracks and don’t run out of stories to tell. The man I’ve been hiding and was traumatized from came back and it’s as if he mocks me that we are on the same page after all. I felt myself sinking and sinking despite you telling me that I am not like my father because I made you feel the definition of love. I was trapped in a room with no escape that relates whenever I had started making music, I couldn’t get out of it. I wasn’t forced but this drive is what makes me continue because I feel like I’m creating a new genre that makes people deeply appreciate and maybe understand what I’ve been going through.

4 years came by but it felt like days in my studio.

“Chris, are you sure you’re fine? Get enough rest okay?” the young girl called me but I was busy finalizing the song.

“Yes, thank you,” I replied shortly after your question. I wasn’t paying much attention so I didn’t know the accurate response for it.

“Anyways, what’s that ab-“

“I’m working on music that’s going to be showcased and submitted to the famous JYP company later. It is really important so I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t distract me by asking so many questions. Come by later, we’ll talk about it then.” I looked at my watch on my right arm and noticed how I still got a few hours left before attending the ceremony. The albums will be released soon after but I have to submit another title track.

I was busy with all the scheduled dates and songs that I hadn’t realized

she wasn’t smiling anymore.

“Mr. Bang Chan?” hours came by and truly the CEO came. We have a friendly bond and he gives me advice so it’s casual for him to call on me. I hurried up to the door and went to the car.

“Why didn’t you invite her to the big event?” The CEO of the company asked me to start up a conversation. He crossed his hands and tapped his fingers as if he thought of something so deep and significant because he was getting impatient.

“It’s a big hassle. She isn’t good and comfortable in interacting with people she doesn’t know” I simply stated and smiled for respect.

“I don’t interfere or meddle in the personal affairs or lives of others but I hope you aren’t neglecting her because of this, are you?”

“She will understand” I looked up to the car window and stared at the illuminating lights from buildings. I know you took a lot of time waiting for me, but please don’t give up and let me finish this song about you. By then, our Disney-like dreams would finally come true and I swear I’ll make you even happier.

I held a box of ring in my pocket. I’ll make you happy, just hang a bit in there okay?

[YOUR POV]

The CEO told me about the new album he’s been working on. It was about his first love. It would be no other than me, right?

I went up to his room and read the paper scattered alongside his desk. There were lots but I decided to read the one that I assumed was already done. It was near the porch and I understood how he wanted to compose in front of the moon.

The moon shone brightly that night

but I realized that wasn’t my source of light

You look lovely

as the smiles you beamed lasted an eternity

I was persuaded and lost in thought

unknowingly, my heart was caught

Because even under the moon, you’ve shone the brightest

and cleared my problems at most

Even under where light lies,

I was indulged deep in your eyes

Even when it illuminates through the void,

a different view is what I’ve enjoyed

Because even if their minds were fixated on the scene,

looking at you felt more serene

I stopped reading the paper and placed it back on the desk.

“That can’t be me..” I thought.

Starting from the mentioned smiles, how could that be me? You stated you enjoyed looking at me, but I felt like I was invisible whenever you compose songs. Did you make songs while thinking of me? I don’t think so. You should’ve known that you were dragging me along with your darkest nights. I wasn’t even your light anymore, it died down. I was overshadowed by your passion or the one you’re talking about in this script. Can I still make you happy? No. Am I still happy? No. The whole lyrics proves how you didn’t even take a single glance at me right now. Because if you did care, you would've known I changed because you did. I changed because the person I was relying upon, didn’t find motivation in me. We started together but it lost while it progresses just like how you started music because of me but lost my figure in your sight along the way. It was reality, I was being forgotten. When I was alone crying, where were you? I know you don’t understand me quite well but I was the whole climate. I changed for seasons unlike in the past where it was mild swings. Because you know what hurts the most? Not the fact that I waited and kept waiting as I am already used to that and no matter how many years it may take, I’ll always wait for you. But it’s all because everything went back. You picked me up from the trauma and showed how love is but it’s as if my past resurfaced from the waters and told me how tragedies would always stay the same. That I would always end up this way no matter who I’m faced to. I felt guilty for slightly regretting that I praised your songs. Indeed you were meant to be connected with music and it’s your passion. I’m happy that I was able to show it to you but wouldn’t these happen if I didn’t start it all? I was wrong. I thought it made you happy but no. None of these made us happy. Your pieces of music weren’t to blame, I shouldn’t be blamed and neither were you. Where did everything go wrong? I don’t know, it just started to fall off. These lyrics were deeply engraved in my mind. You seemed so in love when I wasn’t able to show you what love is. If it was a person, she must’ve been so kind and understanding. She must’ve been someone who understood your secrets and feelings. And me? I couldn’t still get to you. I’m confused about what’s best for you or what you wanted all along. I don’t recognize the woman you’re writing about. Either it was the past me or someone new. Chris,

who is it that you’re in love with?

Cold air rushed through my skin as I closed my eyes and inhaled the scent of calm air. It wasn’t possible but it was enough to make me feel calm. I still appreciated our moments but I feel like I can’t wait anymore, Chris. It’s not because I’m tired but because I feel like you’ll be better without me. I hate the idea of me regretting I showed you your passion. I’ll be nothing but a whole burden. You’ll meet someone better who recognizes your life and by then she’ll be a brave one who can communicate with you. You’ll find someone new, or you already did. If anything, happiness is all I need in the end, at least at the ends of the world. It did happen. I was happy because the next thing I’ll do will be the bravest thing I had ever done after all my cowardly decisions in life, and it’s all because of you.

I stood up at the top of the porch and imagined a vivid scenery. It was you kneeling down to someone new. She did accept it and you were celebrating. Tears ran down my cheeks but was I smiling? Yes, it was indeed happiness seeing you take a break from the pressure and realize you needed to receive joy. I wasn’t able to give it to you but to think someone else would, contrasted the happiness and pain. “It’s time to let go” I opened my eyes slowly as I thought and saw the moonlight. I snapped out of my thoughts and cleared out my head. Because no matter what happened in between us, you crossed my mind in a second. And that’s when I knew, I still loved you despite the bittersweet rain.

[CHRIS POV]

I heard sirens in front of the place that doesn’t feel like home anymore. Why? I heard how young and innocent the girl was and it was a pity to see her leave. It was a shock for me to the point that I hadn’t shed a single tear. Empty, hollow. It was all I could feel at the moment. Was she gone? Did she conclude to leave her out of my life?

Paper. That’s all I’ve seen on the desk. It’s prohibited to enter but I couldn’t believe what I’m seeing. The paper was crumpled and I believed you took the time to read this. Was my perspective wrong about you? Wasn’t this about you? I read the paper without further thinking and realized how I painted her as an angel. She is human, she was a human. Yet I’ve acted as if she was happy all the time, trying to save me from being a mess. Did I take a look back at her? No, instead I assumed too quickly. But what could that change? I was late and you’ve already given up. I was this close to preventing this but because I was so into writing a song made for you, I had forgotten the purpose to the point that it doesn’t seem like you anymore. Can I turn back time? If only I could. I needed to feel your warmth, I needed to see you one last time. I need you.

“Excuse me, do you know the victim?” A man from the authorities asked.

“Yes.”

Mixed emotions were vivid. I felt guilty but hoped you were happy in your last breath. The context of mines was complicated and I didn’t even notice it before. I abandoned to treat, as what I comprehend. Miscommunication rode the tides but it was undoubtedly true when I started to ignore people that surround me. I want to focus on you without realizing I left you. Is that even possible? It is now that I’ve seen it. Just like CDs, everything was played out in deja vu. People were different but things were just the same. It was how I became just like the person I despised all my life. But I did it for a reason, it’s not like I forgot about you. I just didn’t think how your feelings are right now but pursuing this song, is how I still remembered every bit of you. Would the ring I held on be given if I arrived earlier? No, I should’ve realized. I should’ve loved and made you feel how important you were to me in the days back then. In times you felt a hole in your chest, I should’ve been there to feel it up with love. I should’ve been there when you felt insecure. I should’ve been there when you felt all alone. But no matter how much I hurt myself, tear myself apart, it all ends with “I should’ve.” I’m sorry I couldn’t show you what I wanted to. I’m sorry I couldn’t love you until the very end.

I continued explaining to the man,

“She was my fiancée”

would you love me if I let go?

43 notes · View notes

ciggylungz · 4 years

Text

Worship me- Chapter.1

Worship me- Chapter 1.

word count- 3.3k

Summary: Harry is the typical bad boy in town, and Y/n is an innocent Catholic school girl, with a few skeletons in her closet

Warnings: mentions of abusive family, arranged marriage, some major angst and triggering themes

(this in no way is meant to be offensive, I grew up catholic and in a very bad household it was very toxic and detrimental to my health mentally and physically and I endured a lot of harm from the hands of the catholic church. But please remember that is only my experience and I support anyone with whatever religion they chose to practice, and please keep in mind this is fiction and meant to be taken as such. Xoxo H)

The sun was just reaching it’s full peak as Y/n finished putting on her school uniform, she always hated how early she had to get up for school and it didn’t help her parents forced her to get up at 4:30 each morning to pray and read the page of the bible her father had picked out for the day. So, by 6:30 she was already knuckling at her eyes while buckling her black Mary Janes and rushing out the door with an empty stomach since her mother always said ‘fasting in the morning showed devotion to god’ which she truly didn’t understand. She didn’t understand a lot of the things her parents pushed on her and her siblings, some of it even scared her but she knew better than to open her mouth about it, she knew all she’d get in return is a tongue lashing and her faced shoved into a bible while she got spanked by her father. She found herself growing more and more scared as she grew older, her home seemed to get more hostile as the days went by but to her it was normal, it’s all she ever knew so she never questioned the things her parents groomed her for.

She tried not to drag her feet on the sidewalk while she made her way towards her school, she knew it would scoff her school shoes and her mother got very angry the last time she came home with scarred leather on the toes. Y/n truly felt exhausted today, she felt sad, tired, a bit overwhelmed and very hungry since she wasn’t allowed any food after 6 in the evening and then she had to withhold breakfast from herself in honor of god. She was really starting to feel the negative affects of some of these practices, her body getting thinner, her energy dropping quickly and the shivers and headaches were constant. Yet she kept her mouth shut, because ‘That’s what nice girls do’, and y/n didn’t want to be bad she wanted to be praised, she wanted to be adored and loved. But no matter how submissive she is to her parents; she never seems to get any of what she needs. She even kept track in her diary of how many days it had been since someone told her they loved her, today marks day 128.

She could barely hear the chatter of her peers as she made her way through the corridor, her head was already beginning to pound in her temples and her exhaustion was like a weighted blanket draped over her. She didn’t realize she was walking straight into the wall until she felt a palm press against her forehead stopping her from smacking her head into it, her knees still knocked into the navy blue tiles that decorated the bottom half of the walls causing a small ‘umph’ to escape her lips as she shifted her sleepy eyes to the person attached to the hand. There she saw Harry, his left eyebrow was raised slightly in a questioned manner while he looked down at her.

Y/n knew Harry, they were friendly with each other and she really liked him. He was the only person who really payed her any mind, and while she knew he was a bit of a trouble maker he was always kind to her. They shared a science and English class together, their desks lined up next to each other in the cramped classrooms of her private school always making their knees knock together and elbows to push each other’s work off the desks by accident, something rather annoying but the pair got along well enough it never caused his notorious attitude to flare up.

“You okay? Walkin’ like a zombie today kid.” He popped his gum between his teeth loudly, making her eyes blink on reflex before she brought her palms up to rub them slightly. “I’m really tired…sorry I didn’t mean to bother you”. Harry had no idea why she was apologizing, but he noticed it’s something she did a lot. Even when there was nothing to be sorry for and it always made him feel a bit sad, it was odd to him since the usually group of friends he hung with was very much the rough and tumble, unapologetic type.

“What are ya’ talkin’ about? Didn’t bother me, was making sure you didn’t hurt yourself, love.” While Harry was not a soft or sweet kid typically, he was always gentle with the girl. He called her pet names a lot and tried to keep his usual rough tone out of his mouth while he spoke to her. She was a sweetheart and he truly appreciated how pure her aura and personality is and he never wanted to do anything to jeopardize that. It was rare for him to ever be around a positive person if he’s being honest.

She simply shrugged and nodded, a yawn escaping her mouth before she looked up at him with hooded eyes, his own narrowing a bit just having a gut feeling something was off. She looked frail almost, he’s never seen her look dull and he didn’t like it. He was used to her being warm and bubbly, so seeing her look so down made his jaw clench. “Hey, look at me Y/n. What’s wrong? Can tell somethings up, want to talk to m’ about it?” her eyes seemed to glaze over a bit at his proposition, she wanted to talk about it but she knew she couldn’t. Her parents had forced into her mind that if she opened her mouth and told people about her feelings or things that went on at home, that god would hate her and she was scared of that. She was too deep in their game to see her parents would be the ones under gods harsh gaze, not her.

So she fought against the thoughts begging to be verbalized and gently shook her head, “No no, it’s okay…we have mass in a few minutes. Wouldn’t have time to talk anyway…it’s alright.” She shot his idea down, which concerned him further but he let it be, listening intently as she spoke again. “C-could I have a hug?” she was shy, she knew her parents would be very angry if they found out she had been alone with a boy, let alone having any physical contact even as simple as a hug or a high five. She hated that rule, and right now she knew the chances of her getting in trouble so she took the chance. She could feel her nerves prick her palms as he waited for his response, yet she felt a bit relieved as he opened his arms and let her press herself into him. She noticed a sense of security warm her while his broad arms hugged her small figure, he stroked her back slightly frowning to himself when he could feel her spine against his thumbs. Only then did he notice how thin she seemed to become since he first met her when she was a freshman and he was a sophomore last year, the girl one year his junior seemed to be shrinking instead of growing which made him a bit alarmed but he knew it wasn’t a good time to pry. Even as calloused as he is emotionally, he still has the ability to read people and what they need so he decided to just give her the comfort she requested, keeping a protective palm resting on her back as he walked into the school’s chapel with her.

Harry loathed the Catholic school his mother forced him to attend, he wasn’t exactly a bible thumper like the nuns and teachers that were breathing down his neck 6 hours out of his day. He didn’t like how the priest looked at his female classmates, or how they used the idea of God to scare people into submission rather then painting him as a warm, forgiving figure that he really should be made out to be. The only reason Harry was still attending the hellish school was because it made his mother happy and feel like her son was safe, and staying out of trouble for at least a good chunk of the day. Harry loved his mother; he knew she wasn’t fond of the trouble maker reputation he seemed to make for himself as he grew into young adulthood. And so, he did her the solid of attending and giving her some peace of mind.

Harry made sure to go into the same pew as Y/n letting out a grunt as he leaned down to his knees on the small padded strip meant to help their knees not hurt as bad yet it did very little to create a barrio between his knee caps and the hard floor beneath.

He mumbled a snarky ‘I’m not the one usually on my knees’ to himself, getting a glare from one of the nuns walking down the aisle doing a head count for student attendance but he only flipped the bird to her when her back was turned. Y/n was struggling to keep her head from resting on the pew in front of her, she was truly struggling to stay awake at this point finding herself jolting a bit every few seconds as she started drifting off, only able to fully get her composure when the head priests voice boomed through the speakers in the chapel, making her flinch and assume her earlier position while he read out a few verses, instructing them to bow their heads and pray along with him. Harry of course mocked the priest while Y/n robotically followed along as much as she didn’t want to, she was too sad to think about the weight of the words from the sacred book and her knees were aching yet she was too afraid to not say it, the fear crawling up her spine when she thought about what her parents would do if they found out she didn’t recite the prayer with her peers.

Somehow Y/n managed to make it through her four class periods, she admittedly had retained nothing she was taught that day and by this point it was 2 in the afternoon and her head was pounding so bad she thought her skull might crack and her brain would eject itself in protest to her lack of hydration and nutrients coming in. she was in agony, and Harry hadn’t left her alone all day because he could read her like a book. To be honest he was scared she might keel over and die from how unwell she looked, and so he caught up to her while she was walking out of the school snagging her elbow, eyes watching as she barely responded to his sudden grasp and shifting so he was facing her. “Hey, hey love let me drive you home. I’m not taking no for an answer you look like you’re going to pass out.”

Y/n was too tired to fight, so she allowed herself to be guided to his car and put into his passenger seat. She smiled slightly with droopy eyes when he buckled her seatbelt for her, softly closing her door walking around the car to get into his place behind the wheel.

A soft grumble emited from her stomach, catching both of their attention and causing her cheeks to blush slightly, “ ‘m sorry, I’m a bit hungry..” Harry nodded while fumbling with his keys, “when’s the last time you ate?” she hesitated for a beat before deciding to be honest, “Lunch yesterday…didn’t have dinner and my parents make me fast every morning so I haven’t eaten.” The boy snapped his heads towards her, eyes widening and heart starting to beat faster in worry “Wait, really? So you haven’t eaten in-“ he paused to do the math in his head, they eat lunch at 11am while at school so now at half past two it had been a really long fucking time. “- 26 hours? Oh god, Y/n that’s not good, that’s not healthy. Here I have some water and a few protein bars left over from practice yesterday.” He popped the glove box open to pull out his snacks, handing two bars to her and grabbing his water bottle from the cup holder to hand to her, cracking it open for her and holding it for her, tipping it against her sleepy lips, seeing as her hands were shaking just holding the cereal bars he didn’t want her to accidently slosh the water all over herself. “thank you” her voice was quiet, but he heard it letting her drink a few more sips before she started to slowly eat the bar, her eyes closed and head resting against the window as she chewed with all the energy she had left. “You not sleeping either?” Y/n shook her head “Not really, have to get up at 4 every morning…went to sleep at 1, so I only got 3 hours…I feel like I’m gonna pass out. I really don’t feel good Harry”

Before he even turned the car on, he was making a mad dash to hold a rouge plastic bag under her chin while she spewed up the food she’d just eaten. He guesses since she hasn’t eaten in so long, the snacks upset her sensitive stomach. Y/n whimpered when the stomach bile forced it’s way out of her mouth into the bag the burning waking her up a bit and causing her to choke on it a bit. Harry didn’t make fun of her like she thought, she fully expected him to kick her out of his car and she wouldn’t blame him. She felt horrible, and very embarrassed yet he kept one hand holding the bag and the other used to tip her forwards do he can rub and pat her back keeping her from aspirating the vomit giving her gentle comforting words while he fished a napkin out of the console to wipe her mouth for her. “It’s alright kid, get it out. Stomach is upset huh? You feel warm too, jeez Y/n I’m sorry you’re not feeling good. How about I stop and get you a ginger ale and take ya’ home so you can get some rest?” she nodded slowly letting a few tears spill over her waterline only to be dried by another tissue held in Harry’s hand. “It’s alright, don’t gotta cry you’ll be okay I promise.”

Harry kept true to his word, getting her a soda and taking her home giving her his number so she could text him if she needed him. Y/n tucked the slip of paper in her sock before exiting the car, she didn’t want her parents to take it from her so she made sure to hide it. “Thank you, I’m sorry your car smells like puke now..” Harry chuckled a bit “It’s alright, it’s smelled worse before. Not exactly the cleanest car in town hon”

The banter was soon finished as he dropped her off, driving off leaving Y/n to go back in her home. Greeting her parents before telling them she wasn’t feeling well and heading upstairs to take a nap finishing the remainder of her soft drink as she tucked herself under her blankets letting herself drift off.

When she woke up, it was nearly 10pm and she still felt like she needed a year long slumber to recover, but she knew she didn’t have a chance since her mother had woken her up to do her nightly hour of praying. She was beginning to hate the night routine; it was painful and tiring and she felt vulnerable and small.

When her father noticed her sluggishness he took it as disrespect, not having a care as he yanked his daughter by her underarm to stand bringing her downstairs harshly tossing her onto the couch. He gave no regard to her tears as he screamed at the girl, telling her horrible things and forcing her to hold her knuckles out for him to crack a ruler down on. She had bitten into her cheeks so harshly trying to stop the sobs that she could taste the blood in her mouth, but she didn’t dare speak as she took her punishment. She didn’t understand why he was giving her such a harsh treatment when she hadn’t done anything wrong but none the less she internalized it and made herself believe she deserved it.

“How many times do I have to tell you to sit up straight?! How many times do I have to beat it into you?! You think any man is going to want you when you’re such a sloppy disrespectful girl? You bring shame onto this family Y/n!”

Y/n didn’t miss the bile rising in her throat as her father used an arranged marriage- one she didn’t even want- to guilt her into submission. Her father believed in marrying his daughters off young, usually for a hefty payment. He’d done it to her two older sisters, Alexis when she was 15, and Cassidy when she was merely 13 years old. It wasn’t legal marriage by any means, but the girls didn’t know that. The men her dad basically sold his children to were predators but of course Y/n was made to believe it was normal for her dad to marrying her off to a man 20 years older than her. ‘Gods plan’ he called it, but it was scary to her. she didn’t want it, it made her feel violently ill thinking about having to marry a older man who always made her very uncomfortable when her dad would bring her to meet them. The way they looked at her gave her chills, the requests they made regarding her purity, the services she’d provide them with, it made her feel so objectified she sometimes wished to not wake up some mornings so she didn’t have to feel like she’s one day closer to her fate of being a predators indentured servant, used as a pawn and play thing.

The one time she had hinted she didn’t want to be married off, her mother denied her food for 3 days and made her take cold baths to ‘cleanse her’ of her ‘greedy wants’. Y/n truly felt terrified, she was shaking in front of her father while her brain was going into fight of flight. Her feet raced up the steps when her father dismissed her, and as she locked her bedroom door she remembered the slip of paper in her sock.

She knew the risks of reaching out to Harry, her parents knew of the boy. Everyone in town did, hard to forget a street brawling, angsty teenage boy who has been caught more than once by neighbors shit faced drunk or smoking weed with his friends and of course it caused floods of gossip through the rather conservative community yet she decided the risk was worth it if it gave her a sliver of hope to escape the nightmare she felt she was in.

Her fingers gripped her phone tightly as she typed in his number, writing him a text

‘Harry, it’s Y/n are you awake?”

His response was quick, maybe 30 seconds after she’d sent hers

‘yea, what’s up? You alright? Feeling better?’

A fresh wave of tears were building in her eyes, shaky fingers typing out her next message

‘no, Harry please help me. I’m scared please.’

#harry styles angst #harry styles imagine #harry styles series #harry styles comfort #harry styles fanfic #harry styles concept #harry styles au #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles blurb #harry styles oneshot #harry styles writing #harry styles x reader #badboy!harry

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girlmeetsliv3 · 4 years

Text

Lilies of the Valley IX

A/B/O!BTS x Reader

Flowers can have different meanings depending on the flower shape, color, and method in which they are presented. Lilies are my favorite for such a simple flower can have so many distinct meanings.

“A flower is beautiful in every state of life. I, however, find that it is most beautiful right before it blooms.”

Release Date: 06/15/20 @ 7 pm

previously ~ next

Her bout lasted a couple of days. YN could barely eat or sleep without fearing that the raging alpha would come after her, that her family didn’t want her anymore, that her mates were just dragging her along. These worries echoed loudly around her head, so loudly YN felt her ears ringing, but on the outside, she remained stoic. Emotionless. It worried her mates, but in her state of turmoil, she had begun to rely more on them. More than she was comfortable with, but it felt nice to be cared for - to be nurtured. They were in the living room some superhero movie playing on-screen, as they all lay on the floor. There were couches, but there wasn’t enough space for all eight of them - so the floor it was. The men, notably the alphas, had remained riled and their scent created a thick layer in the room. YN knew she shouldn’t enjoy it, but it was warm and soothed the negative thoughts in her head.

“Are you comfortable?” Taehyung looked up at her from her lap where his head was resting. They had become a lot more touchy as of late, but YN was starting to resign herself to the idea that this is what her life would be. She offered him a small smile, but from the way, his eyebrow arched YN knew Taehyung was unconvinced. His hand reached up, caressing her cheek gently. The tip of his fingers brushed her lips and YN couldn’t tell if it had been accidental or not. “You’ll have to organize my room next,” Taehyung spoke, a mischievous gleam in his eyes. Ah, that.

Rosé had come to visit YN the day after everything happened to distract her when YN suddenly had the urge to rearrange her room. She couldn't describe it, but it had started when her eyes landed on her dresser and YN realized its position felt off. Once that had been fixed she didn't like the way her bed area seemed too crowded. Eventually, the whole room had been moved around and YN was even considering painting it when Jungkook had walked in looking rather perplexed. Rosé had laughed and simply muttered, "She's nesting." It hadn't ended there though as the dining room, office, and living room all had their layouts changed. None of them complained and she had an inkling they secretly enjoyed it. It meant she was becoming comfortable, starting to feel at home.

“Hyung, pay attention,” Jungkook complained, his eyes darting between the two of them before focusing back on the screen.

Taehyung rolled his eyes but did as told. YN's eyes drifted toward the clock on the wall, it was nearly midnight, though she didn't feel tired at all. Jimin and Yoongi had fallen asleep with the former curled up by Hoseok and the latter sharing Namjoon with Jungkook. In the span of a few minutes, Taehyung had closed his eyes and YN knew he too would be asleep soon. All the alphas remained awake each watching the movie with varying levels of interest. Seokjin shifted behind her, his hand tangling itself in her hair and making soothing circles. "What's wrong? Aren't you tired?" YN shook her head, preferring not to answer the first question. Seokjin leaned down and pressed a kiss on her shoulder, near the bite mark, before nuzzling his nose along her neck.

He was scenting her and despite the chills that traveled up her spine, it did relax her. Causing her to lean back onto the alpha’s chest while he smiled. “Tell us what’s wrong.” It felt more like an order than a suggestion, but Seokjin’s pheromones had spiked and their sweet scent lulled YN. Made her want to get closer. Feel more of him. Open up to him.

“I’m scared.”

“Scared of what?” It was Namjoon this time, when YN turned her head she found him closer than ever. A few inches away from her face. Fear bubbled up in her stomach but was washed away as Seokjin’s plump lips trailed kisses through her jawline. He was encouraging her to speak, to be honest, and YN was like an old dam. All she needed was a small crack - a leak - and she would burst.

“Of everything. Of you.”

“Of me?” Namjoon questioned, his brow twitching ever so slightly, but he didn’t look upset.

“Of all you.”

“Why?” The lead alpha asked again. Seokjin’s kisses became quicker, sloppier, and YN became aware of another presence near her. Hoseok’s hands softly moved up and down her sides, tickling her ever so slightly. It was all becoming a bit much.

“I don’t know.”

Namjoon tsked in disappointment. “I think you do know, just won’t admit it.” His hooded eyes trailed down her features, landing on her lips before moving back up to her eyes. YN was at a loss for words, unsure of everything. Another body joined them, YN felt warm breath hit her ear before Jungkook’s calm words reached them. “You’re safe. Don’t worry you’re safe.” His tone was soft, delicate, barely above a whisper as if he was afraid of scaring her. YN analyzed every bit of Namjoon’s face: his brows, almond eyes, strong nose, and his pink full lips.

"Namjoon -" In that second, Seokjin's teeth scraped against her scent gland - against her bite mark - and YN couldn't stop the moan that tore through her lips. Reacting instinctively Namjoon closed the distance between them, his lips brushing hers in a passionate fervor. They were anxious, desperate as if he had been waiting forever. As if he was afraid she would disappear soon. The second his lips touched hers YN melted. A warm fuzzy feeling overtaking her and she felt complete. As their kiss continued YN began to wonder if this was what the bond felt like. If this is how the other's felt around each other. Surely it must be it. It feels like a warm hug, soft pillows, the crackling of a fire. It would be gone soon but it felt nice to have experienced it.

When they finally parted YN felt content, which was unusual in the presence of the men, she expected Namjoon to feel the same. But when she glanced up at his eyes she saw something different. His pupils were extremely dilated and there was something animalistic about how Namjoon stared at her. He looked as if he had just taken a bite out the forbidden fruit and wanted more.

She hadn’t reorganized Taehyung’s room much to the betas displeasure, but YN had spent the entire lounging next to the pool. She wasn’t planning on going swimming, but still laid under the sun with a blue dress covering her shoulders. YN had always preferred being alone, even before presenting she had been pretty introverted, it simply became worse after. The scent of lilies hit her nose and YN subconsciously smiled, she had always enjoyed flowers for they represented a simpler time for her. Her school had a garden filled with lilies and the various flowers had been so beautiful to her. Having them planted in the backyard was a nice touch, but she couldn’t figure out the significance of them to the men. Why lilies? Her mind briefly wandered towards what the tattoo artist had said: that she smelled like lilies. Jungkook had even encouraged a lily tattoo but it couldn’t possibly be because of her that they’d planted those.

YN shook her. That’d be ridiculous. She closed her eyes, enjoying how the sun felt on her skin before a dark shadow blocked it. “Mind if we join?” Jimin stood in front, Yoongi by his side, and YN heard a big splash before seeing Taehyung emerge from the pool. “Sure.” Jimin smiled before scooping down and pecking her lips. It shocked her, to say the least, but Jimin simply chuckled before joining Taehyung in the pool. Yoongi took a seat next to her, his lounge chair barely a feet away, but YN was grateful that he simply laid down and closed his eyes. It gave her time to think.

There had been a shift between them since the incident, but YN assumed that it was mainly them being overprotective. After last night’s kiss, and subsequently Jimin’s kiss, she wasn’t so sure anymore. It was true that without another alpha willing to mate YN was stuck with them and the longer she spent with them, the less bothered she was by it. What did concern her was how giddy they were. This morning YN had been dragged out by Jungkook to have breakfast with all of them and they all seemed excited. It gave her whiplash and YN didn’t know if she wanted the relationship to progress at such a rapid rate. Her hand flew up to massage her temples as she felt a growing headache.

“What’s wrong?” Yoongi was leaning over now, a concerned look on his face. “Nothing,” YN replied, though her delivery may have been a bit harsh. Instead of flinching or becoming upset Yoongi reached massaging her neck before kissing her forehead tentatively. “There. All better.” YN wanted to ask Yoongi what was going on but was interrupted by Hoseok coming out of the house. Namjoon trailing behind him.

“Ready to go?” YN briefly wondered what he meant before remembering what Namjoon had mentioned during breakfast. “I rescheduled the doctor’s appointment for this afternoon. It’ll be a little late because we have to get some work done.” YN excused herself from the beta’s not missing the way they pouted.

“Lily wait!” YN skidded to a stop to see Taehyung running at her at full speed, the droplets of water glistening as they fell oof his body. Once he reached her, YN expected Taehyung to kiss her the way Jimin had, but instead, he kissed her bite mark. Laughing at her expression before salaciously winking. The others only chuckled at him before Jimin called him back to the pool claiming he was lonely. YN walked back towards Namjoon and Hoseok finding pleased expressions on both their faces. She took a deep breath before sighing loudly.

“C’mon YN. Let’s go.”

Sorry this chapter kind of sucked, but I promise the next one will be incredibly important.

Tag List:

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ichorizaki · 4 years

Text

monsters — i.h.

꒰ ❛ genre ❜ ꒱ — fluff ; college!au

꒰ ❛ pairing ❜ ꒱ — senior!iwaizumi hajime x senior!gn!reader

꒰ ❛ warnings ❜ ꒱ — teeth-rotting fluff, curse words

꒰ ❛ word count ❜ ꒱ — 2.6k

˚ ༘ˀˀ ꒰‧⁺ a text from sol — ✎ˀ i got inspired upon reading a text post reposted onto pinterest, so enjoy some domestic iwa-chan! i’m considering opening up a taglist too but i’m not too confident.... huhu

-`,✎ synopsis! ; ♡ throughout his entire life, iwaizumi hajime has been fighting all sorts of monsters. he’s just thankful that you were there by his side the whole time with your unwavering support and uplifting words of kindness. this time however, you defeated the biggest monster that he’s faced yet with just one word.

Iwaizumi Hajime could remember one of the first few times he felt fear. It was one of the hottest days of summer with the sun high and mighty in the sky, sometime about two decades ago when he was still young and the world seemed so huge compared to him. He and Oikawa were playing in his yard, a volleyball that fit snugly into a child’s hands being thrown back and forth. He remembered Oikawa being terrible enough to serve the ball too far and it went into the small nest of trees just beyond the brick fence barricading his house.

It was stark as day—the heavy, accelerated thump, thump, thumping of his unsteady heart, the tremor of his tiny hands, the quiver of his bottom lip, and the clear tears turning his vision into a terrifying blend of summer colours. He remembered how the fear slithered from his feet to his shoulders, taunting and whispering untrue threats and poisonous anxieties into his ears as he tried to help an equally distressed Oikawa stand. The first fear; the first monster that took form in his small body.

He had abrasions on his knees and elbows, dirt and emerald leaves stuck in his messy brown locks as tears streamed down his face. Oikawa had fallen down from the tree he climbed to inspect a long forgotten kite while trying to get the volleyball that he served into a tree.

“You’re lucky that you didn’t suffer too badly, Toorū,” his mother chided gently. She had always been patient and gentle with them, fixing any wounds be it physical or emotional. “Now, now, Hajime, Toorū will be okay.” The smile that blossomed on her face was like a healing flower, spreading warmth through his body like sunshine as she kissed them both on their temples slick with summer sweat.

For a while, it was just him and Oikawa, fighting their onslaught of tiny gremlins of fears as they grew. The gremlins grew with every fear they overcame, and eventually developed into a monster that lurked in the background wherever they went. Creeping, waiting, watching in the shadows. Iwaizumi remembered his first monster like it was just yesterday: the dark.

It was his first sleepover that wasn’t just him and Oikawa. The new person was you, L/N Y/N, their shy second grade classmate. Oikawa was eager to have you join them, wanting you to be comfortable and never left out. That was your first mini monster—the shyness of a lurking child who was too afraid to show the world who they were—and thanks to Oikawa’s lovely hospitality and friendliness, you managed to defeat it without lifting a finger.

Iwaizumi never forgot the monster he faced that night, because you were there with your stunning smile.

Everything in the Oikawa household was still, tendrils darkness slithering their way from the deepest, darkest corners and trapping the house under its nighttime curse. Iwaizumi didn’t know what time it was, but everyone was asleep. He wanted to go to the toilet, but his childhood was peacefully sleeping as he held on to his bunny plushie.

That was when you had stirred awake. You were bleary-eyed, half-awoken from his broken whimpers of frustration. You rose from the futon you were given, curious as to why your new friend was awake in the middle of the night.

“Iwaizumi-kun?” Your voice was soft and gentle; a blanket of comfort wrapping around his shoulders as he looked over at you. “What’s wrong? You can tell me.” Maybe it was the way you phrased your words, how they eloquently became mini candlelights in his heart, or maybe it was the way you had immediately gotten up from your futon and waddled over to sit in front of him, clutching onto your comfort teddy bear, because he found himself spilling his concerns to you.

“I . . . I want to go to the toilet but it’s dark and scary outside.”

Oh, but the smile that you gave him was blinding.

“My grandma taught me this trick: if you’re scared of monsters in the dark, make louder, weirder noises to scare them off!” His mossy eyes glimmered in the pale moonlight with excitement of this newfound knowledge. “I can hold your hand and follow you. I need to go to the toilet, too.” The sheepish grin on your face was one he would always keep close to his heart, and he was glad that it never changed even when you grew.

As you held onto his hand, you held onto the vow that you made. You could tell how scared he was with the heavy, hesitant steps that he took and how sweaty his palms had grown. You were also scared, but you couldn’t show that to your new friend! You had to be brave, and brave you were as you took the lead in screaming high-pitched, garbled nonsense into the dark corridors. Eventually, he joined in as you both raced down the stairs, giggles bubbling from your lips as you made your way to the toilet near the kitchen.

You heard footsteps when you were finishing up in the toilet. You didn’t want Iwaizumi to be scared so you quickly washed your hands and threw open the door to find Oikawa’s parents looking incredibly concerned. With a proud grin, you told them what you did and they looked at each other with a smile you could never quite describe before bending down to your heights.

“Well, that’s brave of you, L/N-chan,” his mother praised. You sported a grin that boasted pride. “C’mon, let’s get you two back to bed, shall we?” Iwaizumi took your hand in his as he held Oikawa’s dad’s in the other.

“You don’t have to be scared anymore, Iwaizumi-kun,” you promised. “I’m here and I’ll always be here for you.”

Not once had you let go of that promise. Not even when the both of you got into fights that threatened the life of your friendship, or when someone’s heart broke little by little as the other held hands with someone else with a smile that they wished they could be the cause of. You were stubborn and so was he, and sometimes it felt like both of your obstinacy was the saving line. Rain or shine, come hell or high water, you were there for him and he was there for you.

The fears—these monsters that came in all forms and sizes—kept coming at him. Not only did they hurt him, but they had also hurt you and Oikawa, and he had always placed the blame on himself even when the both of you told him not to.

University life is hard. He had to juggle part time work and studies, and he barely had time to himself, let alone with you. The rare days that he gets to press pause on everything and lay in bed with you, his significant other of two years, he cherishes them.

“Y/N,” his gruff voice called out for you. You turned around and his bulking tanned arms trapped your figure in his warm embrace. His face was inches away from your as you lay there chest-to-chest. He could never get tired of staring at your face. From the dips and curves of your facial structure to the way your stunning eyes glow no matter what, he could never get enough.

The pillows of your soft lips pressed against his and he found himself chasing your lips for a longer kiss as you pulled away with a gentle chuckle. It pulled him out of his reverie, a small smile playing on his lips as his fingers reached up to push your hair away from your face. The late afternoon sun was warm against his skin and yours but the air conditioning soothed the warmth like a gulp of freshly iced water.

“Remember when I asked you to be my significant other?”

“How could I ever forget, Hajime?” Your laugh—god, your laugh was so divine—filled his ears and made the purple lilacs in his heart bloom. “It was our final year in Seijōh and you were so nervous that you practically bawled your eyes out after you confessed.” Your beautiful eyes creased into lovely half-crescents, your cheeks so soft as he pinched them gently for teasing him. He, too, eventually found himself laughing along.

It was one hell of a big monster that he fought. It grew and grew until it ate him up alive—he absolutely had to tell you how he felt or he would probably feel himself die a little bit inside if he didn’t tell you.

The both of you remembered the spring when you received your high school graduation certificates. The breeze was cool and sweet against your skin where it was exposed. It was the final day that you would be wearing the Seijōh uniform, and never had you thought that you would be so attached to it. You stared at the school as the bell tolls, signalling that another hour had gone by.

You could hear the chirping of birds in the distance, overlapping laughter and chatter as the graduating cohort loiters in the school yard that you were all gathered at. Everyone was taking pictures with their friends and family with tearful goodbyes and promises floating into the air like helium balloons. Your final year was over.

“Y/N-chan!” Toorū’s voice managed to reach you from among the crowd. You were surprised to find Iwaizumi by his side instead of the same flock of female admirers. You walked towards them, butterflies getting restless in your stomach from the way Iwaizumi was looking at you as the three of you met halfway. “So this is it, huh?”

“Stop being so negative, Idiotkawa!” Iwaizumi smacked the back of his head.

“You’re not some shōjō manga hero,” you grumbled at the same time.

“You’re both so mean! Mean!” Toorū whined as he rubbed the sore spot, his shoulders drooping ever so slightly as his lower lip jutted out into a pout. You couldn’t help but laugh at his antics.

“Let’s go back to my place. My parents decided to cook up a whole feast for the three of us with,” Iwaizumi offered. You parents weren’t necessarily the celebratory type, so you were just glad that you had your best friends to celebrate the end of your secondary education. You eagerly accepted the invitation with a bright smile, ready to walk with them when he blocked your path. “But before that . . .” He looked over at his childhood friend expectantly. A knowing smile broke upon his face.

“I’ll wait for you two at the entrance, then.” Oikawa didn’t say another word and left the both of you alone. Part of you kind of knew what he wanted to say, but there was this small twisted voice that told you no, that it wasn’t possible for someone as perfect as Iwaizumi would ever reciprocate your feelings for him.

“L/N Y/N.”

“Y-Yes?” Your eyes snapped back to meet his alluring moss green eyes, speckled with the golden rays of sunlight as he looked straight at you. His gaze was unwavering until his eyes left your face, betraying his confident front. You could tell that he was nervous. He was wiping the sweat from the palms of his hands on the sides of his uniform pants. His eyes kept darting between you and the floor, and his lips were parted, trying their best to form words but nothing seemed to come out. “Iwa-chan?” You softly prompted.

“I like you.” That was more than enough to knock the air out of your lungs. Your heart was soaring higher than it had ever gone, wings fluttering in absolute ecstasy as the butterflies in your stomach wreaked havoc out of pure joy. “Fuck, that probably didn’t cut it. Um– shit. I, uh. L/N Y/N, I’m in love with you. I’m in love with you, okay? Ever since we were kids, you’ve been there for me. You helped me and that dumbass whenever we were in need. Even when we fought, we made up, and not once had you held a grudge against me even when I’ve hurt you. You’re the best person that I have in my life ten years ago, today, and ten years from today, and probably forever. If you’d let me, I want to hold your hand and kiss your tears away and be your boyfriend.”

You were left speechless. You stared back at him, jaw slacked and eyes wide in shock. At your lack of response, he began to panic. He began to ramble at how you didn’t need to give him an answer that instant or how he needed to get his feelings known and acknowledged by you. It was so silly of him.

“Iwaizumi Hajime, stop that,” you laughed, tears threatening to spill from the corners of your eyes. He fell silent as he watched you take both of his large, calloused hands in your much smaller ones. “I thought I was the only one who felt that way. I’m in love with you too, Iwa-chan.”

Just like that, the biggest grin that you had ever seen on him broke out. You found yourself in tears, and he, too, was so overwhelmed with feelings that he was physically fighting to keep the tears at bay. This euphoric feeling was one that the both of you kept close to your hearts, even when you felt it almost every day.

“Y’know,” his voice was gentle against your bare skin, nose nuzzling into the crook of your neck as the both of you reminisced the good times. You hummed in response to prompt him forward. “I’ve been thinking . . .”

“What is it, baby?” The palm of your hands were two soft cushions cupping his jawline as you made him look into your eyes. He had always had a problem with eye contact when it came to speaking from his heart. You found it deeply endearing.

“I know we’re still young and all that, but I’m so fucking sure that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I love you so fucking much, Y/N. You mean the universe to me and I want to grow old with you.” You could feel the unsteady thump, thump, thumping of his unsteady heart as he slowly poured his heart out to you; the slightest tremble in his calloused, volleyball-worn hands as they nervously held on to your frame, the pads of his thumbs rubbing gentle circles as if to calm himself down for what he’s about to say. You weren’t dumb—you kind of knew what he was getting at. He wasn’t exactly subtle when he pointed out rings at the jewelry store downtown when the both of you went out on a date last week. “L/N Y/N, I love you with every single fibre of my being. Will you marry me?”

You knew he was scared. You knew he was nervous. You knew he was trying his hardest to keep his cool. He knew that you knew all these; why wouldn’t you? You knew him just like the back of your hand, as he did you. This monster was one hell of a headache. He had practiced the speech over and over again, even going so far as to ask Hanamaki or Matsukawa to roleplay, albeit terribly, as you. But you—oh, you—managed to slay this monster with just a single word.

The corners of your lips curled into a delectable smile. You leaned forward and pressed your lips to his in a kiss that was way too quick for his liking, but it was full of love and adoration nonetheless. His stunning eyes were still fixed on your face as his unsteady heart waited for your answer. The pink of your lips parted, saying the one word that doubled the euphoria that he had felt the day that they had graduated: “Yes!”

.°🍓! | tags; ❞

@samuthots

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justanotherlifeff · 4 years

Note

How 'bout a Bakugou fic where he's in love with an older woman, lets say his senpai. I just love the idea of Bakubae pining after someone who's a little bit older than him 🤤

Not my senpai

Bakugou stared at the big red zero on the test paper in his hand with an angry expression. Ofcourse he, THE Bakugou Katsuki couldn't get a fucking zero on a test! There must have been some sort of mistake! As if Aizawa was reading Bakugou's mind, he looked at Bakugou and stated, "Bakugou, there hasn’t been any mistake in my grading if that's what you're thinking. You got perfect scores in every other test except for English. If you want to be a top hero, your English speaking skills need to be top notch since famous pro heroes are sometimes sent on missions abroad. You need extra tutoring and we'll talk in details about it after classes are over.". "Yes, sensei.." Bakugou grumbled, almost blowing up the test paper in his hand as he crumbled it and shoved it in his bag. The worst part of it all was that he was the only one in class to fail English. Iida, Todoroki and Yaoyorozu came from expensive middle schools which gave them good English skills since they already learnt it all from back there. Midoriya was always good at taking notes which is why he managed to keep up with English as he also took help from Iida and Todoroki. Uraraka and Tsuyu took help from them as well and managed to pass the English exams. Kaminari and Sero knew English from video games while Mina and Kirishima learnt it from american fashion and fitness blogs. Koda learned English from cooking videos while Jirou learnt it from singing English songs. Satou apparently had relatives abroad and therefore, he was taught the language by his parents. No one knew how Ayoama knew such good English while the others simply seeked guidance from Yaoyorozu. Hell, even Mineta knew enough English to pass the exams thanks to watching way too many English porn videos! Bakugou was the only one with the massive ego to not ask for help from anyone which in turn came back to bite him on his own ass.

When class was finally over, Bakugou sat at his chair angrily, waiting for his discussion with Aizawa. He knew that getting extra tutoring would improve his English skills and ofcourse, he didn't want to be topped by "shitty deku". Then again, taking help from people was rather embarassing for him. However, it's not like he had an option in this case. While thinking of all these, he didn't notice the third year student slip in the classroom. Bakugou was currently in the second year of UA. During his first year, he was able to manage English classes somehow but now that lessons got way harder, he managed to get his first failing grade in his entire life. Bakugou's trail of thoughts was broken by Aizawa speaking to him. "I don't have any extra time to give you extra tutoring and nor does the other teachers. (L/N) here would be helping you with English because of that. She's one of the big three of the third year and she's got the top marks in every year so don't underestimate her and behave. Talk to her and set your extra lesson timings." Aizawa drawled before getting out of the class with his sleeping bag, leaving Bakugou with you. "Hey, I'm (L/N) (Y/N) from 3A and I'm glad to help you out with English. So, Bakugou-kun, tell me when you're free and we can work out a time to study together?" you told him with a small smile as you sat on the chair infront of him. "Am free after classes everyday for 2 hours." Bakugou muttered with a scowl. "I see. You're not too friendly are you? Well, it doesn't matter. As long as you cooperate and as long as your English skills get better, you don't need to play friends. I'll see you after class on Wednesdays and Thursdays alright? See ya tommorow." You stood up, your polite smile gone to replace your face with seriousness. Well, atleast you successfully broke his expectations of you being a random extra cause it was like you read him by his expression alone.

"(L/N)-SENPAI IS GIVING YOU EXTRA TUTORING? GODDAMNIT WHY DID I NOT FAIL ENGLISH?!?!?!??!" Kaminari wailed at the information passed onto him for the 100th time. "Why is dunce face acting like that?" Bakugou asked Kirishima, tired of Kaminari's fanboying over you. "You really don't know anything about (L/N)-senpai do you Bakubro? Her quirk is similar to principal Nezu and she pretty much is smarter than a computer. She can tell exactly what you're thinking by just looking at you cause she's so good at reading a person's body language and she apparantly got into the hero course without having any physical quirk just cause she apparantly made a different student hit a building in a certain place that made all the other buildings in Ground beta fall over crushing all the robots. Principal Nezu already requested her to take over his position as soon as he retires. She won the sports festival three times in her year cause she uses everyone's quirk against them somehow. As far as I know, no one really understands what's going on in her mind cause she always has this polite smile on her and so far, no one has been able to befriend her or get anywhere close to her cause she somehow always shuts them out. She's pretty much the prettiest, smartest and the most untouchable girl in UA. Which is why, Kaminari is shitting himself cause (Y/N)-senpai would never go out of her way to tutor someone and you're seriously lucky cause she's probably the smartest person in Musutafu besides Principal Nezu." Kirishima explained. At the moment, Bakugou clearly understood why your expression suddenly changed just because he scowled. You probably understood that he thought you were an extra when in reality, you were anything but one. The whole ordeal, somehow, made Bakugou feel embarassed about judging you without knowing shit.

Wednesday came sooner than he expected and Bakugou knew that he had to compensate for embarassing himself. Ofcourse you probably thought that he infact was the extra cause you were clearly way smarter than he was. While you tried to find his issues with English, he was feeling uncomfortable thinking about the events from back then. "Bakugou-kun, I'm not looking down on you cause you looked down on me. I can understand that you figured out my quirk from someone but it's alright. People tend to judge others and that's normal human behaviour. Now that you feel bad about it, that's enough for me and we can just forget that happened." you told him, again with that polite smile. "Okay." Bakugou muttered feeling awkward since he wasn’t used to people reading him like that. Like Kirishima mentioned, you really were extremely smart and you figured out exactly what made his English skills weak in a matter of minutes. While he had a good understanding of grammer, he clearly had no practice when it came to implementing it. After talking to him for a while, you figured out his interests quite easily and for the next few months, you brought him books that he might like for him to read out loud to you. Bakugou was a smart person as well and it didn't take him any more than the next three months to master English well. By then, the two of you read over a hundred books together in the library. The two days of tutoring turned into all seven days a week and Bakugou found himself drawn to you after the first month. While you were polite and cold at the begining, you started to laugh at Bakugou's dry offensive humour. Bakugou found your smart remarks funny as well, letting out a deep chuckle at times. The books you got him were all up to his interests at the beginning but with time, they ended up being books that you genuinely enjoyed which made Bakugou learn more and more about you. You, like him, were a misunderstood person. You understood exactly what others thought of you which made you detach yourself from people. Everyone always thought of you negatively behind your back and they believed that you wouldn’t figure it out. The only problem was that you always did. People were easy to read after all and you understood why people found you to be too intense. People are naturally made to be scared of the unknown and no one really knew you. Well, except Bakugou. You opened up to this certain boy because he always showed what he felt. To him, there was no reason to hide his feelings, he would say that he dislikes someone on their face. You liked that bold attitude and you found yourself opening up to him, thinking of him as a friend or maybe more.

When Bakugou looked at the red 100/100 written on his English test paper, a smirk formed at his face. He couldn't wait to show it to you and brag about his English skills. He knew that he wouldn't be here without you but then again, you already knew that. He loved that he didn’t have to voice his appreciation out loud to you since you always picked up on his subtle gestures of appreciation unlike everyone else. Hell, you were smart enough to see the good in him, to see everything else other than his prickly exterior. He finally knew why Kaminari was fangirling over you months back since ge found himself doing the same. You were the embodiment of perfection to him and now, three months later, he knew that he was head over heels in love with you. However, unlike you, he didn't have any way of predicting you. You were older than him by an year. Hell, you were a senior student and you always rejected everyone who asked you out. You'd be starting out as a pro hero in less than a few months while he'll still be a high school student and ofcourse that meant that you’d most probably reject him. With all that negative thoughts, he went to the library to meet up with you for tutoring sessions. Given that he already aced his exams, there was no more reason for you to tutor him anymore. The thought that you probably wouldn’t talk to him again made him feel sick at the stomach. "Hey Bakugou-kun! How did the test go?" you asked him with a genuine smile as you sat at one of the tables in the library. With a cocky smirk, Bakugou held out his test paper, showing off his perfect grade. To his surprise, you stood up and did a little weird victory dance as you clearly looked extremely happy. "Damn, (L/N), you seem more happy about my grades than I am" Bakugou teased you, making you blush furiously as you realised that you literally danced like an idiot infront of him. "It's (L/N)-senpai Bakugo-kun! Besides, all teachers feel happy when their students get perfect scores you know!" you tried to defend yourself by teasing him. Usually, he would tease you back with some sort of insulting remark but this time, he was quiet. You knew about his feelings for you for a while. After all, Bakugou wasn’t very hard to read. To be honest, you found yourself falling for him as well. However, you wanted him to make the first move. You were older than he is but that didn't mean that you’d have to take charge in every case. Unfortunately, it seemed as if he couldn’t gain that confidence and now that your tutoring sessions came to an end, you didn't know what to do. "Senpai huh..." you heard Bakugou mutter, his hair hiding his eyes as you saw a small smirk on his face. "I refuse to call you my senpai, (L/N). You may be an year older than I am, you may have a quirk that makes you a hundred times smarter than I am but I saw through you. Don't think that I didn’t notice those blushes on your face whenever I teased you or how you look like the world ended now that our tuition sessions are over. I seriously was confused at the begining but now, I'm pretty confident that you like me, don't you, (Y/N)?" Bakugou asked, looking straight at your eyes as he called you by your first name. To say that you were blushing would be an understatement as you were completely red by his boldness. "As far as I'm concerned, you're not my senpai from now on. You'll be my girlfriend instead. If I'm wrong, then you can walk away from me and I'll not bother you again." Bakugou stated, a blush forming at his face. He didn’t think this through. Infact, as soon as he saw your sad expression, he decided that he needed to confess now. It as now or never. Bakugou was never good with feelings and you understood why his confession sounded more like a declaration that you were his. A small shy smile formed on your face as you looked at him and said, "Alright, I'm not your senpai". The next thing you knew was that you were pulled into a deep passionate kiss.

Bonus: "YOU'RE DATING (L/N)-SENPAI??!?!?!?! WHY DID I NOT FAIL ENGLISH GAHHHHHH" Kaminari was bawling in the 2A common room while Bakugou looked at Kirishima with an annoyed expression and told him, "Tell Dunce face to shut his trap." Kirishima only looked at Bakugou with a shocked expression thanks to the news that Bakugou was dating you being thrown at him moments ago.

[Author's note: I've been wanting to write something like this for a while. Hope you liked it!]

#bakugou katsuki #bnha bakugou #bakugo fluff #bnha #bnha fanfiction #bakugo x reader #bakugou ? reader #bnha x reader #bakugo katsuki #bakugou x reader #mha bakugou #bakugou fanfiction #bakugou × reader

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ashintheairlikesnow · 4 years

Text

Whumptober Day 16: Hallucinations

CW: BIG references to parental death/grief after losing parents (seriously, if that’s a thing for you that you can’t handle, you will not want to read to the end of this). Solitary/isolation torture, auditory and tactile hallucinations, panic/anxiety, whump of a minor, emotional breakdown, reference to self-injury, reference to severe head-banging episode/negative stimming resulting in injury

Count to ten, Tris! One… two...

Her voice is so loud he jumps, but when he looks to the left, nothing’s there. Just the white walls, plain and featureless, white tiles that were smooth under his fingertips back when he was allowed to touch them.

Everything is cold, and the boy has been shivering for so long that his muscles ache from the constant tense-and-release, tense-and-release, struggling to keep him warm. Everything aches, and the cold isn’t the only reason his muscles keep tightening up around his bones, threatening to snap them apart under the pressure. The thick collar that digs and rubs into the skin of his throat is why, too.

Chilled air comes from somewhere above him, just like the flat, featureless white light. It prickles at his skin, that light, lays along with palpable weight. He can’t shake it, there’s nowhere dark or warm to escape to. Now that they’ve taken his hands away, he can’t even bury his head in his arms to find some thin sliver of softness.

No, all that’s here is hard heavy light, and air that gives him goosebumps and makes him shake, and he would draw his fingers over the little bump on his arms but he can’t do that anymore.

Three… four… five…

There’s a little-boy voice counting along with her voice now, and he hums, trying to drown it out, but the counting keeps going. He can’t stop it because it’s not a real sound, it’s not, but if it were…

If she were alive, he’d play hide-and-seek with her again, even though he’s almost grown, he should have been a junior this year if he wasn’t stuck with Aunt Jo, if she hadn’t pulled him out of school, if he was-

If she were here-

He’d play, again, if he had the chance.

He hums, hums, hums, but he can’t drown her out.

Six… seven… eight…

He rocks forward as far as he can, and back, but it’s not enough. It doesn’t help. He needs to move, to touch things, to exist in the world and he isn’t allowed, not until he signs. He doesn’t want to sign but until he signs, he’s in here, alone.

He’s going to-... he’s going crazy maybe. Is that why he can hear her? Jo thinks he’s already crazy, you’re all crazy she says, and worse than that, but he’s not, there’s a word for his brain, there’s a word that isn’t crazy-

He can’t remember it. He’s too tired. The word slips through his fingertips and slides off his tongue and away even as his mouth keeps fighting to form the ‘aw’ sound.

The light is so heavy and he wants to sleep so much but he has to sign, to sleep.

The light is so heavy…

He groans, straightening his fingers, trying desperately to stretch the muscles in the palms of his hands where his wrists cross at the small of his back. Locked into place by thick metal cuffs, they only make the cold worse.

He did this to himself, the man in the black uniform said. He wouldn’t sign his contract, which means he has to stay here until he changes his mind, but staying here is - it’s horrible, and he doesn’t want his, he couldn’t ever have wanted this.

He’s losing his mind, isn’t he?

Wait, did he think that already-

He already thought about being crazy, he is thinking in circles and loops and his thoughts crash and spark and smoke against each other, wreckage he can’t remember how to overcome. He used to think like this, when it was too loud too hot too cold too bright too many people too much.

There’s nothing here, but he knows now that nothing is just as bad as too much.

Ready or not, here I come!

The sound of footsteps, moving quick from one side of the room to the other with a soft burst of a woman’s laughter and he flinches, rattling the pole his shock collar is attached to, the one that locks him into the floor. He pulls too far to the one side and feels the sudden pop of sensors against his skin just before he lights up in pain.

Tristan’s back arcs in a nearly perfect bow as the agonizing current overtakes him, pulling as far as the pole will let him, and he screams. The scream is swallowed by the walls - they’ve eaten so many of his screams by now - and by the time he collapses forwards, slumped, with his arms jerking and twitching without his consent, the scream is gone.

Back to harsh white light and a silence broken only by his whimpering breathing. Tristan’s sore throat - each swallow is like trying to swallow around shards of glass - is all the evidence left that he ever made any noise at all.

His lip stings - he tongues at it and finds he’s bitten it open again, the coppery-sweet-salt taste of blood on his tongue.

Tristan hasn’t had food that tastes like anything in days. The blood, at least, has a taste.

He presses into the split with his top teeth, encourages it to open even more.

They tried to take his blood away from him already, when he made there be color - be something - on the walls. He imagines he can still see the smears of red, can still trace the movements of his own fingertips as he painted there, the pressed color he pulled out of his own body and ruined, however briefly, the pristine nothing white.

He made it be something, anything, any fucking thing at all.

The red had been bright, and then faded to brown before they found him, still bashing his head into the wall to make more red for the walls, to calm the shrieking chaos inside of him. To soothe the pain caused by the endless bright white light and his fear.

They found him hitting his head, moaning, low rhythmic noises deep in his throat like he used to do on his worst days, only this is worse than all of those days combined. They found him with blood smeared over his whole face from his hands, slapping his palms into the wall, speech forgotten and buried under the buzz in his brain.

They dragged him to the clinic, and did scans of his head, and whatever they found, they put him right back here in the end.

Now there’s a pole hooked to his collar that keeps him away from the walls and the floor, and they forced his hands behind his back so he can’t hurt himself, and he can’t make blood to bring color to the walls anymore. There’s a bandage on the side of his head, and it hurts but it doesn’t bleed anymore.

He wants the blood back.

There’s a needle in his arm feeding him something clear from a bag hung on the wall. He thinks the bag is why they never bring him water. He thinks the bag is why he feels woozy and strangely slow, too, why he can’t seem to get worked up enough to have a really bad day again.

He starts laughing, choked-off, and it’s nothing like his real laughter but it’s a sound, and a sound is something. But it doesn’t drown her out.

Even though she isn’t really here.

Tris? Baby? Are you in the-... where are you hiding? I give up, baby, can you come out, please?

“I’m, I’m trying,” He whispers, and his voice is raspy, hoarse. He can hear her, foggy and soft but so present, she sounds like she’s right there. If he can just see past the light, he could see her, waiting for him. Or trying to find him. If he could just see...

But it’s just him, alone in the room. She’s not trying to find him. She’s dead.

His head hurts.

His heart hurts. Hollowed out in his chest, empty and cold and full of the way she was in the world, took up space and stood between him and everything else, and now she doesn’t and it’s all his fault. Now he’s here, where he can’t even go see the place where she and his father are resting. He can’t.

He can’t get them back.

He moved when he was supposed to stay still.

You have to be good or you’ll be hurt-

Wait, no, that’s what the man in the black uniform says, not his parents. They didn’t say-... did they? Did she tell him that? No. No, man in the-... in the uniform…

He shudders, and his collar pops in anticipation, but he doesn’t pull enough to any side to set it off. His shoulders shake and he wonders if he’s trying to cry. He can’t remember.

He is full of pieces of her but she’s gone, and his father is gone, and it’s not fair, but now he’s here and is it-... is it because of what happened? Is this punishment for moving when he should have been still?

He came out of his hiding place and he just wanted her to hold him and then the red on the walls and the police sirens found him with red on his hands and his dad had lived long enough to tell them, to say what happened, that it wasn’t Tristan’s fault-

But it was.

Is this… prison? Did they put him here because he killed his parents? There wasn’t a trial. The cops said it wasn’t his fault. The doctors said it wasn’t his fault. But maybe they had a trial and nobody told him.

Did he really ask them to bring them here, like they keep saying he did? He can’t remember anymore. He had dinner with Jo and then woke up here, and there was already a needle in his arm, and…

Does he deserve this, for being the reason they died?

Baby, you scared the shit out of me! I thought you’d figured out how to unlock the door or something!

“C-can’t, Mom, you, you, you need a, a key, they h-have the key and I-I-I don’t h-have my hands.” His lips are chapped and rasp against each other when they move, the blood rubbing over his bottom lip, and he flicks his dry tongue out to wet it on the bleeding spot on his lip again. He rocks, he rocks too far and cries out as the collar goes off again, forcing him to settle back and be still.

It hurts, it hurts so much, but he has to be still or it will hurt much, much worse.

Tris...

He can’t find her - she’s here, somewhere, inside the nothing-room the nothing-walls the nothing-light, but he can’t see her. She’s dead but she’s here. She’s here and she’s not angry at him, she’s playing hide-and-seek. He hid in the closet, behind her dresses, and she couldn’t see him at first and Tristan knew how to be quiet for games, and he was so very still in the closet, and then she found him and held him up in her arms, a heavy weight on her hip, you might be six years old but I can still carry you, little boy.

His breath catches in his throat.

Don’t scare Mommy like that, baby. Please, please don’t scare Mommy like that.

His eyelids are so heavy, and he keeps slumping forward, but everytime he touches the ground his shock collar goes off and if he goes too far left or right the shock collar goes off and he’s going to die in here, he knows it. He’s going to die and he doesn’t even care anymore, he’s not even scared of it.

At least he could see them, if he died. Right? He could see them again? Don’t people see the people they love right before they die, didn’t he see that somewhere on television? Maybe, maybe he could see them?

Fingertips graze over his cheeks, warm. He can almost smell her perfume, powdery. It’s called Green Tea and she buys it-

He hitches breath again, and sobs, this time.

She bought it every year at the store in the mall on sale, when they put out Christmas gift baskets. She bought that perfume in boxes with other perfumes kind of like it, and let him smell them and pick his favorite ones. He put up with the weight of the noise, even though later he would go home and rock and rock and rock it out, because the noise made her happy, and he loved her happy.

He liked her perfume. It smelled like her.

She’s never going to buy perfume again. Jo probably-... Jo probably threw out the bottle Tris kept to spray on his pillow sometimes after he had to move in with her, and it will smell like perfume in the trash for a while, it will smell like his mom, and then all the bottles will be gone and it’s like she was never there and if she was never there, does that mean-

Is Tristan gone, too?

Is he not real, now, if she isn’t real anymore?

Oh, Tris, honey, what are we going to do?

“D-don’t know, Mom, I don’t-... I don’t know.” He coughs, something feels loose in his lungs and that seems bad. But he can’t feel anything, and everything he can feel is so heightened. In the silent room he can nearly hear the soft rush of blood in his veins, the way his organs are working even though they have nothing to digest.

He can hear her.

I missed you during your nap, bud! You don’t usually take afternoon naps anymore. Did you have good dreams?

“No.” The word comes out a whimper, a word he isn’t supposed to say anymore, the man he kicked - who put him in here until he’s ready to sign the paper and belong to them and make this all stop - told him he isn’t allowed to say ever again.

No isn’t an option for him anymore, the man said. His options are to be good or get hurt, and he doesn’t know what that means, but, but he’s so scared, and it hurts so much being in here alone. “No, Mom, I’m, I’m, I’m… I’m not, not, not-not okay, I d-didn’t, I can’t, can’t dream anymore, can’t sleep, Mom, please, they, they they they won’t let me, me, me-me-me sleep-”

Oh, Tris. Oh, baby boy. Her voice is low, right next to him. He feels her fingers run through his hair, pressing the coppery strands, now dirty and oily, back from his forehead. The softest press of lips against his forehead, like when he had a fever, when he had to stay home sick from school. Tears burn hot in his eyes and fall down his cheeks, and he sobs, brokenly, hunched and with all his muscles burning and aching from the cold, the shocks, the hunger, the exhaustion, the pain. He cries, in childish wailing sobs, and she doesn’t hear him, because she isn’t really here.

“M-Mom, I, I, I just-... Mom-”

He’s so fucking tired, and he just wants her to stop being dead and play hide-and-seek with him and then, just one more time, hold him until he falls asleep.

Just one more time.

Just one more-

You’re still my baby, you know, even though you insist on growing up.

I, I, I am not, I am not-

Yes you are. Listen, you’re my baby forever.

Mom, I’m, I’m almost sixteen-

Excuse me, Tris, you are fifteen and seven months and don’t think I don’t know to the minute. Love you, buddy.

“I, I, I love you, too, Mom.”

---

Tagging: @burtlederp , @finder-of-rings , @endless-whump , @whumpfigure , @slaintetowhump , @astrobly, @newandfiguringitout , @doveotions , @pretty-face-breaker , @boxboysandotherwhump , @oops-its-whump @moose-teeth , @cubeswhump , @cupcakes-and-pain @whump-tr0pes

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