#I should also be clear that all this grief in a story with a happy ending isn't a bad thing
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This is going to be long so the short version is this:
I convinced my therapist to watch the 🌟Gay Pirate Show🌟 and now I have to confront a previously unidentified and terrifyingly deep emotional wound that could be as transformative to heal as it is terrifying to approach.
My therapist and I have a lot of let's say...demographic things in common that have made this the most successful therapeutic relationship I've ever had, but also that just made me think he might like the show. It's no secret that ofmd has been a deeply moving experience for its viewers, and queer, neurodivergent, and/or people of color have written at length about the special ways it touches us (or doesn't). Those are three categories both he and I fit into and it feels relevant to say that for context.
So yes I thought he might like it, but I also wanted to pick his brain about Big Feelings it was giving me that I hadn't experienced with the same intensity with other media/fandoms. Y'all, he gave me a completely unexpected reading on the show (and its story and its fan works) and why it makes us feel So Much that I haven't seen anywhere before.
When I say Big Feelings, I mean like I've literally had to swear off a couple of pretty innocuous categories on AO3 ("Growing Old Together" and "Domestic Fluff") because they would devastate me in ways that I couldn't attribute to anything specific. Growing Old Together comes with the possibility of death separating them, which is heartbreaking, but that didn't feel like it was the thing that was gutting me. Domestic Fluff could probably be called the most innocuous tag ever, but anything that saw our blorbos settling down and watching the Revenge sail off into the distance was fucking me up as well.
There are plenty of reasons why OFMD makes queer people feel so much, but when I say this was fucking me up I mean like, well, remember when people outside of classical music started learning about appoggiatura? Like intellectually knowing why I was crying but at a loss how intense everything felt. And my therapist (who is as good at analyzing a text as he is at being a therapist) was like "oh, it could be all the grief."
The grief.
The audacity of this motherfucker (affectionate).
It's a romcom! It's a romcom that we were explicitly told would have a happy ending! It's a romcom where the characters will get to sail off into the sunset together like they want and like we want for them! Stede and Ed, after four decades of self-hatred and trauma and fear and isolation, somehow find each other. And one of the sweetest things about their story is that it's a late in life love story, because it's incredibly inspiring for someone to get to experience a part of life they thought wasn't for them. The inescapable fact that their time together will be shorter than any of us would like is sad but not unaccountably sad to me, because of how much joy they'll be able to cram into the time they have left. I could be wrong but I don't think that alone is the source of what's been overwhelming me.
Grief is a constant presence in the world-building and the storytelling because grief is a natural response to well, so many things about being alive. Grieving is some of the hardest shit any of us ever have to do, but it's also so universal and so many of the things that make us uniquely human also make grieving well, maybe not easier, but something we can endure and process through ritual, community, and the example of those we've witnessed grieving their own losses. Many kinds of grief come with narratives that you can accept or reject all or parts of, but the narrative exists.
But have you ever heard of disenfranchised loss? Loss that's not easily labeled or classified or given the time or space or understanding it deserves? Have you experienced a loss like that? Can you imagine how much more difficult it makes the grieving process?
Well what my therapist suggested, the thing that knocked me on my ass hard enough that I had to come have Online Feelings about it, is that eventually, we all have to mourn ourselves. Not necessarily in a "mortality is inevitable" way (that happens to everyone) but in ways that are often unique to people like him and me (black, ND, queer). Even if we work on ourselves, if we grow and heal our trauma and feel at home in our identities and our bodies and build beautiful lives, eventually we will be forced to mourn the selves that we never got to be in the societies in which we live and the selves we once had to become to survive this long.
And that mourning is a kind of disenfranchised loss, with no clear path forward. Obviously this conversation happened within the context of everything my therapist knows about me as an individual, but I thought certain things might resonate with other fans as well so I wanted to talk about it. The story of this bizarre little man and his remarkable second act and his lovely little found family and his incredibly beautiful love story (that we've been guaranteed will end happily) is still haunted by the specific kind of grief that comes from learning what's possible, and regretting that you didn't know it was possible sooner.
And does anybody have more delayed milestones, later-in-life discoveries, and/or need to invent places for themselves than those of us on the social fringes? Than those of us in societies unequipped for (or actively hostile to) the ways we exist and the things we need to survive and thrive? Than those of us who have to create our own narratives or be saddled with inaccurate or harmful narratives created by others, or even no narrative at all?
And narrative is so much. Narrative is everything. Narrative is the story we tell ourselves and each other and that literally shapes our reality. So those story beats where we discover something better than what came before are inherently stories with loss and will require mourning, because we mourn loss.
Even when the story has a happy ending. Especially when the story has a happy ending for someone who never thought they would be allowed to have one.
I mean just like, FUCKING HELL. I can't blame anyone for this but myself. I know my therapist. I know how insightful he can be. I did this to myself and now I have to live with it. But my god is it a massive mountain I'm about to have to climb now. My therapist and I have always found it helpful to discuss media that makes me Feel Things (see all the trauma work that came from Life is Strange) but if you had told me that I'd be looking into this new dark cave of unprocessed shit thanks to what I thought was just gonna be a harmless little gay pirate show starring fucking Murray from Flight of the Concords I would probably just have assumed you were in the middle of having a stroke and taken off to get you the medical attention you desperately needed.
#not to be dramatic#but I definitely worry this might still be dramatic#my therapist is great#but the problem with a good therapist#is that sometimes they will fucking read you#and then you get whiplash#don't be afraid to bring up media that speaks to you in therapy#you never know what might come of it#or how much it might shake you#I should also be clear that all this grief in a story with a happy ending isn't a bad thing#it just kind of is#and when you enjoy it#just enjoy it#every moment of joy is a gift#no matter the context#go ahead and grieve yourself#also I couldn't find an elegant way to fit this in#but the storytelling is very neurodivergent#or at least unfolds in a way that is friendly to my neurodivergence#that's why I'm not a big TV watcher anyway#but I was able to sit down and mainline this#it's the first new show I've watched in literal years#ofmd#our flag means death#ofmd meta#our flag means death meta#🤯🤯🤯#😳😳😳#disenfranchised loss
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This again. I just want to break down my thoughts here so bear with me.
(I did the math and calculated ~ 7.9k people voted that 55%) 💀
First of all,
Elain doesn’t just enjoy gardening for the aesthetic, but rather for the fruits of her labor through hard work. Spring Court’s flowers and nature are only in bloom by magic (The High Lord’s). Not work. Not labor. But rather for convenience and aesthetics (to embody the very domain that one, being Tamlin, High Lord of the SC, resides in). That, to me, goes against Elain’s very enjoyment of the craft of her gardening.
Couple that with the fact that she has completely neglected using those gloves that Lucien gave her. She put them down after they were gifted to her, not even bothering to look at them as if she didn’t care for them. She doesn’t seek protection from the labor of her craft. She doesn’t want to make it easier. She enjoys the challenge. I think Feyre’s perspective on that made it clear.
And again, why would Elain in her right mind willingly go to be with her younger sister’s abusive ex? Why would she? I’m pretty sure she is well aware of what transpired between the two. That she is aware of Tamlin’s actions. Especially when he is partially, if not entirely, responsible for her life quite literally being turned upside down. Having her mortality stripped from her and her love and happiness (or simply content) gone along with it. If she is so visibly uncomfortable with Lucien, who was an accomplice, I’d imagine she would also hold animosity or discomfort for Tamlin tenfold.
Secondly,
Regarding mating bonds being rare: This is a story that encompasses a main group of protagonists. 3’s are SJM’s specialty. Just because 3 brothers may get with 3 sisters does not automatically mean that mating bonds aren’t rare. As a fae romance series with mating bonds clearly being a significant staple throughout, we will encounter mating bonds. Especially with our protagonists. That just seems like logic to me. Even then, it’s been stated and shown time and again that not every mating bond works or is positive. That just because two individuals have a bond doesn’t mean they’ll have good chemistry.
Also take into account that our dear Inner Circle is not the entire continent of Prythian. The Inner Circle does not equal the entire population. So therefore, a small group of mated individuals ≠ a common occurrence.
What’s wrong with the storyline matching up to have a 3:3? Is the perfectionism so wrong? I think that the phrase “too perfect” should be replaced with “complete/completion”. One last brother to one last sister is the remaining piece of the puzzle. Yes, you can argue that the cliche of 3:3 is boring or too simple but this is SJM’s world. She is a cliche author. She always has been.
Lastly,
I believe that Tamlin has had his redemption arc. If you want to call it that at least. In my opinion, he doesn’t need one. His prime arc is over. The series is way bigger than just Tamlin now. I simply see no reason as to why SJM should take more time for Tamlin , who arguably has done more than enough, rather than anything else. I feel like it’d be a backward progression.
Not every character has to be redeemed.
Not every character should be able to find peace or become good after selfish or morally questionable acts.
Not every character calls for major development.
To me, it’s just bad writing to redeem and develop every single character.
Even then, Tamlin is a well written character. He doesn’t need more depth. (I think this post alone proves that people don’t understand him already). He doesn’t need Elain to come in and “fix him”. No one can. No one but Tamlin himself. And we see that if anything, he’s wasting away rather than trying to help himself. He’s wallowing in his grief, anger, and hatred. Be it for others -like Rhys- or himself. It’s on him. Hell, even Rhys tried to help him. Yet he remains unmoving. That is Tamlin’s choice. Elain shouldn’t need to be his catalyst for change. He should.
To Conclude,
I see no logical reason again as to why people think this is a possibility. It just seems like a terrible writing choice for the story of ACOTAR. Of course, SJM can indeed surprise us. She wields the mighty pen after all. But then again, why would she turn around and completely dismiss 4 books of chemistry with a certain shadowsinger just to pitch our third sister with someone like Tamlin or Lucien? If she had planned to do so before, why would there be 4 books worth of obvious chemistry? It’d be a waste. If she has planned or plans to have Elain go with Lucien or Tamlin, why hasn’t she written any semblance of true chemistry between them? If Elain should allegedly have a balance with Tamlin or Lucien, why isn’t there any chemistry? All I’ve seen from Elain is obvious discomfort.
“I thought it was obvious…” - SJM
I could write more about Lucien and Elain’s dynamic but I think that is a whole different matter that doesn’t pertain to the current topic so I’ll leave this here. Thanks for coming to my ted talk.
#acotar#elain archeron#pro elain#tamlin#elriel#pro elriel#The math ain’t mathing here man#Let Elain stay in the NC where she WANTS to be#She owes Tamlin nothing#no one does#Let Elain garden in peace with Azriel by her side#a court of thorns and roses
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Micheal's character is so depressing and so relatable at the same time. Also I wonder what your take is on his and luci's relationship, since they seem pretty close in celestial realm then in nb we see Michael highkey struggling which i don't blame bc he essentially lost 7 siblings at once (including lilith) then in og micheal is still very attached even though he isn't as bad as in nb. I just want your thoughts (you're the only one of 3 including my friend that I trust on Michael analysis/characterization)
First off, thank you so much for listening to my ramblings and praising them so. It's making this hyperfixating little freak very happy
Now, into the analysis. Though, this one is less an analysis and more me compiling everything canon has told us so far, because there's actually a lot there. It's just so spread apart over the course of the story that a lot of people miss the forest for the trees (which I think is another reason Michael as a whole is so misunderstood by the fandom), so it's nice to have a little overview.
Michael and Lucifer's Relationship
It was very nice to see the brotherly tones of Lucifer and Michael's relationship before the war. They seemed to have a typical friendly rivalry, and it was really cute to hear of the two messing with each other in very sibling-like ways.
One example I can think of off the top of my head was angel Lucifer camping out at the site of Michael's new observatory on the night before its grand opening, just to stick it to Michael that he got to his much-anticipated event first. That felt very much like a "little shit sibling" moment.
There was also Michael teasing Lucifer about his wings:
There was also the two of them attempting to pin Father's assignments onto each other, as Lucifer explains here:
They seemed to have a healthy dose of sibling rivalry to their relationship, and it was honestly really adorable.
It's also very clear that the two respected each other greatly. In Season 3, Mammon goes into detail about how much Michael loved Lucifer:
And in Nightbringer, angel Lucifer clearly held Michael in high regard- he seemed to believe Michael was more worthy mentor of Mammon, that he could give Mammon a better shot than he could.
However... I also think their relationship was always a bit dysfunctional. In Nightbringer we see a lot more of how obsessive Michael is- not even just in the wake of his grief after the fall, but even before that. Like this anecdote of Michael constantly sneaking into Lucifer's room:
Now, that's a clear violation of boundaries if I ever did see one. While the two were close, I think it's pretty clear Michael was a little too attached to Lucifer, and that likely caused problems in their relationship even before war broke out. We did get an explanation for this behavior in Season 3 of the OG, though that only paints an even more dysfunctional picture:
Michael idolizing Lucifer to this degree, and projecting himself onto him, is clearly not healthy. And I think Lucifer very well understood that, considering Satan is speaking from his memories of Lucifer's perspective here.
Another remark in Season 3 from angel Lucifer himself indicates that Lucifer didn't exactly see Michael as someone he could confide in:
All in all, I think their relationship was very complicated- as most relationships in Obey Me are. I think they both loved each other deeply, but Michael is the type of person to love a little too hard and that created problems.
Going into speculation territory now, I also think their relationship was tainted by their status in the Celestial Realm and the expectations that were placed upon them. I elaborated on this a little more in this post, but to summarize, I believe Michael is the eldest brother who had a rough time living up to the title while watching Lucifer become everything an eldest sibling "should" be. I think Michael was under a lot of pressure that he wasn't quite mature enough to handle properly, and he knew it. Meanwhile, Lucifer was also pushed to be a perfect, flawless Seraph, the pride and joy of the Celestial Realm- and the perfectionism instilled in him by their father only promoted Michael's idolization of him. We have one brother incredibly insecure with the way he presents himself, leaning on the image of perfection created by an equally insecure brother. It's a self-perpetuating cycle.
I also suspect that Father may have played favorites between the two. I don't have any real concrete evidence of this, but something I've been thinking about lately are the Ring of Light and the Ring of Wisdom, which were created for Lucifer and Michael respectively. In official merch (and possibly in-story as well I don't remember), the Ring of Light is shown to be gold, while the Ring of Wisdom is described to be made of brass and iron. Yeah... if this was intentional I think it's pretty clear who the favorite was here. Come on, at least give Michael silver. I don't think Michael is petty enough to be upset about this specifically, he's not Barb, but it might be indicative of a larger problem in the family dynamic. If Father favored Lucifer, that could also be an explanation for Michael's strange idolization of him.
#obey me michael#obey me lucifer#obey me angels#obey me celestial realm#obey me character analysis#obey me theories#obey me headcanons#obey me speculation
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If you’re requests are open, can you do Childe or Kaeya if they were mermaids- with a story like the little mermaid but of course with a darker Yandere twist. If you have time of course, I don’t want to pressure you into anything and you seem to very busy with the Yandere simulator au ( which is amazing and so cool we can choose options and it just so good and perfect )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Little Merman (Pt 1!)
—————————————————-
Yandere merman! Childe! x lifeguard reader
Cw: yandere tendencies, gore, ect
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He was always watching you.
From the beginning you’ve managed to catch his eye, as he hadn’t witnessed such a thing before. Seeing a human perched on top of the high white tower, paired with a small tool that mimics bird chirps. Carrying a long board attached to the hip, using it whenever someone was floundering in the water.
Childe couldn’t help but to be curious as to who you were, and whatever you do is called. Normally he’d mind his business and work on what needed to be done with his pod, the Fatui. But he was known to indulge in his impulses wether it be a good bloody fight or something as pure as wonder.
You’ve sparked his interest in how it would feel to have two legs that could not only swim. But also manage to close the distance separating the two of you.
And with that in his mind 24/7 he began monitoring you getting closer every time you’d swam in his territory. One time he even managed to snag a little keepsake from you, while you were too busy saving a life from drowning.
Apparently it was important, so to his pleasant surprise you’d frequently step inside the water. Making him all the more eager to ogle you and observe your bodily anatomy. Just a mere few inches away from you, without you ever noticing the predatory stares he’d shoot you from beneath the deep waves.
The longing gaze in his azure eyes began getting murkier as time went by growing tired of this invisible barrier separating the two of you. So he began to search for any and all means to bring you to to his side. He went to the Sea witch, an powerful eldritch being, hidden amongst the deepest of treacherous sea trenches and wind currents.
“Little one, what you’re seeking leads to a path bordering among that of insanity. “
The Eldritch warned.
Their gigantic mass hidden beneath a shroud of darkness, which failed to cover up the huge tentacle’s curling idly in anticipation. The many eyes they had glowed dimly, reflected off of the cavern lights planted within the sea cave.
“Are you sure you want to be separated from the seas embrace and be born once anew as a mere human?”
The Sea witch asked their voice echoing off the cavern walls eerily.
“Ready as I’ll ever be, I wanna try having legs for a change instead of this huge tail haha”
Childe joked, making the ancient Eldritch look down on him in displeasure. Before continuing with the briefing on contract.
“I can give you what you need in your quest for love. However the sacrifices that’d be made should you fail to capture your Darlings heart cannot be undone. “
The Eldritch witch had been present for many centuries to come, to witness mainly tragedy and grief come from those who’ve failed to clear their unrealistic conditions. Nonetheless a request is a request, the Sea witch wished this time their client will achieve a happy ending.
They also hoped that the little merman knew what he was getting into.
“Do you understand, young one?”
“Yes, ma’am “
Childe answered in all seriousness. Straightening up his posture to look up directly into the Sea witches many pupils, taking them aback from his unshakable will.
They say the eyes are the windows into one’s soul. And from the unnatural desire eating away from behind his blue eyes, The Eldritch could sense something dark festering inside his heart. With a knowing sigh they knew it was too late for this poor unfortunate soul, and were curious of who the human that caused such depravity in his being.
“I require a multitude of sacrifices, you must provide me 5 hearts, each having met their demise differently. “
The Eldritch sea witch outreaches her hand towards Childe, who looked on in concentration of the illustrations coming to life from traces of magic dancing in their huge clawed palms.
“The first heart must be drowned.”
A blue heart is shown to flicker out erratically as it’s heartbeat slowly trickles down to a stop.
“The second heart must be strangled.”
A purple heart is shown to be squeezed until it pops, it’s heartbeat deflated until there was only silence.
“The third heart must be chopped into pieces.”
A Yellow heart is shown to be on the chopping block writhing in agony from being thinly sliced into cubes. It’s heartbeat spiked with every chop going out with a screech.
“ The fourth heart must be eaten alive…”
A red heart is shown to be thrown out to the wolves, surrounding the defenseless prey. Before Bearing their teeth and pouncing onto the heart, devouring it savagely until it’s pulse was no more.
“Lastly the fifth heart has to be the sacrifice of whoever your Darling holds dear as they will become the catalyst for this ritual to work.”
A pink heart is shown to be the only survivor, Childe could hear their pulse beat loudly. He could only grow a manic smirk as he just pictured this as a bloody good trial to test his devotion. Taking note from his old friend Zhongli’s mistake, he wanted to make sure that he’d be the one to undergo the transformation.
Since he was confident that he’d be able to overcome anything keeping him from his darling…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now from beyond the dark waters ocean view, twirling around a trinket he stole from your unsupervised beach spot. A little bracelet with a small dolphin bead attached, that floated within his webbed hands.
Childe was waiting for the right time to strike…
“I’ll come up there to meet you soon baby, so just wait for me won’t ya?”
#yandere childe x reader#yandere childe#yandere genshin#yandere genshin imagines#yandere genshin x reader#merman! childe#monster au#childe x you#childe x reader#childe x y/n#childe imagines#childe scenarios#childe angst#genshin angst#little mermaid
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my dps roman empires
cuz i keep seeing those videos with my love mine all mine on my feed with consistently ugly-sob-inducing stories and roman empires so now i have this long list i wanna share
+ may include some little facts here and there for anyone new in the fandom
• anderperry’s entire relationship and dynamic
literally no explanation needed on why it’s the top of the list and the first thing i wrote down
the whole hourglass and icarus x the sun dynamics makes me sob every time without fail
someone rewrite the script so they have a happy ending please
also me: wym they already do?? they got married and went to new york??????
• charlie and neil :(((
• thinking about charlie’s experience and dealing with grief post-expulsion
• todd’s entire character
bro makes my quiet x anxious kid heart go brrr
like just thinking about the little implications of his behavior and what’s said about his brother in the script makes me wanna cry and scream and throw a tantrum
he really represents the epitome of all quiet shy kids out there and i really appreciate it
• dead poet’s society but from cameron’s perspective
i understand y’all wanting to punch and yell at him and show no forgiveness but i also think you should give a bit of sympathy for this kid
he doesn’t know any better just like charlie or any of the other poets
damn this movie does a great job of showing reality and the fact that there’s no real enemies
• dead poet’s society but from pitts’s perspective 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀
like i’d pay to see this honestly
• pitts’s screen time :((((
my underrated boy :(((((
• pitts and cameron’s dynamic
i KNOW we see these two talking in the background and seeing him make cameron laugh and smile the most compared to everyone else
like??? i wanna see more?????
cameron being outwardly comfortable around someone finally???
• the fact that all the movie's events ensued as they’re all high schoolers
like idk if there’s a canonical age for any of them but whether they’re juniors or seniors the trauma is still the same
• the thoughts of the kids who stood up on their desks at the end of the movie
how are they dealing with keating being away now? how do they view life in general?? did they really appreciate keatings class???? would they join the dps if they had the chance???????
• hopkins’s portrayal
its kind of a 50/50 since bro barely has screen time, yet i see his character oftentimes being portrayed as the class asshole
i think it’s clear that him and his friends commit tomfoolery and are overall jerks but to think that he’s the more sensible, level-headed guy makes a lot of sense to me—kinda similar to charlie in a way
like he knows limits and when to not push them even if he doesn’t come off that way. all bro does is chill in class and stare off into the windows daydreaming (as shown in the whole ripping out the poetry intro scene). bro doesn’t wanna be there. he’s just chilling and honestly same💀
• spencer’s actual treatment in the movie
ik we love this man, and our headcanons (or at least what i’ve seen and my own for the most part) say that people treat him well but low key everyone be on his shit
like it brings up the question of whether or not this is considered bullying cause any scene i see he’s either blatantly shoved around or even the guys around him purposely steal his medicine and pass it around so he can’t have it (including stick participating in this)-
like i think there’s some limits to being a jerk and idk how spencer really feels throughout the movie cuz he’s a background character :////
• HANDSOME ASS BACKGROUND CHARACTERS AND THEIR SCREEN TIMES = UNFAIR! CRIMINAL !!!!!
• the fact that ginny’s character just gets completely cutout. like she has a few lines to begin with and then the movie comes out and she ends up being a non-speaking extra in the play like i’m- what happened???
• tina and gloria / girl characters portrayed in dps in general
let me explain cuz i love them but also feel bad for their characters
like low key they’re just used as experiments for the cave (implied by charlie in a deleted scene that wasn’t recovered although i think this part is in the original script as well if i remember correctly)
although he brings them back a second time in a deleted scene where they’re all dancing around outside of the cave on the night of the play only for him to make out with one of them in another deleted scene that wasn’t recovered… (( this was revealed in an old interview on someone working behind the scenes btw ))
so like i kinda feel bad for them. like y’all just there for show but i wish you had more lines and other purposes besides possibly not passing a bechdel test ://////
^ lowkey this same concept is kinda seen with chris’s character too. like all she’s there for is a romantic interest for knox. like cmon now she’s one of the main female characters and THIS is what she gets. i wanna know more about my girl chris!!!!
and i kind of understand why it’s set up this way since y’know it’s an all male boarding school in the 1950s—how do you fit female characters in and how are they viewed? it’s not the greatest setup of all time
• ANDERPERRY DELETED SCENE ON THE DOCK NOT MAKING IT INTO THE FILM LIKE OUT OF ALL DELETED SCENES THAT ONE IS THE REALLY IMPORTANT ONE !!!!!!!!!!!!!
• the deleted scene of the poets carrying neil’s coffin 🚶♂️
like goodbye. doors closed. tears shed.
kinda glad it’s not in the movie cuz i would’ve sobbed uncontrollably even more than neil’s death
• todd’s poem
another deleted scene that really rearranges my internal organs
the fact that him reading this poem was supposed to be in tandem/include shots with neil’s death-
why do the writers want us to cry rivers?????
BUT ALSO ITS FUNNY ASF IF YALL WATCH THIS DELETED SCENE WHEN TODD IS TELLING THEM WHAT TO REPEAT BETWEEN VERSES, ONE OF THE POETS GOES “what??🤨”
I’M SORRY TODD IK YOURE TRYING BUT THAT LITTLE AIRHEADED ASS “what?” IS SO FUNNY TO ME
• the fact that in the very first version of the script, keating was supposed to have cancer
I FORGOT ABOUT THIS UNTIL LAST MINUTE
LIKE Y’ALL ADMITTED THAT YOU WANTED TO HAVE A SCENE OF KEATING DYING IN A HOSPITAL AND WERE PONDERING ON WHETHER HIS CHARACTER SHOULD HAVE A FATAL ILLNESS FOR THREE DAYS ?!?!?
thank god y’all made the right decision and rewrote the script to take that out
#dps tumblr#dead poets society#dps fandom#dead poets fandom#dps#dps boys#todd anderson#charlie dalton#john keating#mr keating#neil perry#anderperry#chris noel#gerard pitts#pitts dps#cameron dps
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Once again it's Regal appreciation hour by which I mean day by which I mean year by which I mean lifetime.
I was very much prepared to not write any fanfiction this year, but I cannot divorce myself from how awesome my favorite Symphonia blorbos are and so I am writing yet another stupid fanfic. I feel feral about these characters in general but Raine gets quite a lot of attention (because she's wonderful, obviously) so I don't want to focus on her too much. Regal, on the other hand, has been underappreciated in the ToS fandom since the game's release day, so I must advocate for him.
I've been RPing as him for the last year or so, and together my RP partner and I have written about 320,000 words of a story. I'm having a blast, and a big part of that is because Regal is, despite the flaws in the storytelling of ToS as a whole surrounding him (and how all of the Tethe'alla characters kind of fall flat), a rather well-conceived and implemented character. Yeah, his clothes are dumb (I'm happy to retcon that outfit with zero regrets) and the game blows through his story at such a breakneck pace he doesn't get the space or the arc he deserves (he should have taken his shackles off as part of his 'sacrifice' to fight the angels), but he is a genuinely fascinating character who feels, just like many of the others do, as if he belongs very specifically in the world he was created for.
I know a lot of people like to write him as this sad sack of shit just absolutely lost in the grief sauce (see the part about how he didn't get the arc he deserved), but I think that's a mistake. See, the biggest bump in the road for Regal was his lack of understanding of what was happening and why. When you think about it, he was faced with having to kill Alicia seemingly out of nowhere. Like one day he's just minding his business and the next Alicia is gone and very quickly after that she's a monster trying to kill him AND HE HAS NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON. He has no answers. All he knows is that he killed her, and his autistic* brain latches onto that detail because it's all he has.
You have to think, too, about the fact that the game gives him nobody. His parents are dead. George, the only person even remotely close to Regal--someone he's known his *whole life*--betrayed him. (George didn't mean for things to go Like That and he's sorry he did it, but HE STILL DID IT.) Regal doesn't have friends and the extra material makes it clear that he was literally raised, specifically by his father, to be a workaholic. Do you think anyone came to see him in prison? He fought in a coliseum for his life for YEARS. He was on friendly terms with some of the other inmates but the guy had eight years to just sit there and get stuck in the loop of knowing he killed the one person he'd let himself get even remotely close to.
Which is something else people always downplay for some reason. The shit with Alicia isn't just "guy is sad because he killed his girlfriend." It's very much, "guy was born and bred to take on the family legacy" except in this case the family legacy is a company, an island, a noble bloodline, and also the absolutely insane idea that work and profit is all that matters. Everyone else is out to get you. Keep the workers dissatisfied but keep them hooked just enough that they'll never leave. Take no time for fun or friends or merriment. Everything in your life is a business transaction. Don't ever forget it. It's us vs. them. You're alone and you have to make this your entire life or it'll all fall to pieces and it will be your fault.
The drama cd in particular really honed in on that way of being raised and it makes his entire character make complete sense. At a relatively young age his father died and he ended up on top (though it's stated he had to work as a CEO before he was elected via a board to the position of President). Having no other guidelines other than what he was taught--and what George himself adhered to--Regal followed that path...until he ended up miserable, because, despite the way he was raised, he's a goddamn empath**.
After literal YEARS of occasionally running into Alicia and talking to her, he starts forming a connection to her--which is important because he's never allowed himself to do this before. And at one point he realizes he doesn't even know her name...which comes as a surprise to him...and brings with it shame. After this, he starts living for himself. He listens to his employees--something his father never did. He starts enacting rules to protect his employees, particularly from things that would hurt them in the field, because part of what was making him so miserable was wrestling with the empathy of their terrible working conditions on top of just hearing his father's manta repeating itself in his head all the time.
I cannot stress enough how important this is. Alicia, despite being a love interest and someone he was interested in seriously dating and perhaps someday marrying (the details of their relationship are never known but it's almost more tragic if they were just starting to be serious), WAS STILL HIS EMPLOYEE.
He was supposed to protect his employees. He was doing so much to ensure his employees would be safe. And then he killed Alicia.
Alicia, the one person he allowed himself to get close to.
Now, consider the fact that he was raised as a tool and not a beloved son; he was not allowed to have friends and not allowed to make merry. He was under his father's thumb until his father's untimely death--a death, by the way, that only surprised him with its suddenness; he did not grieve that man!! Regal, as a 25-year-old man, had ZERO coping mechanisms. All he had was the truth he was raised under and the fact that he went against that truth AND WAS NOW BEING PUNISHED FOR IT. How can someone like this think of anything except that they are the reason George was put in a position where he had to get rid of Alicia? That the only reason Alicia was experimented on and turned into a monster was because of her connection to Regal?
IT MAKES ME FEEL SO FERAL!!!
The events of the game open his eyes to the ACTUAL truth, to what actually happened AND WHY IT HAPPENED TO ALICIA. In the end he learns he had NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. If he had not befriended and started falling for Alicia, she still would have died--it's just, if she hadn't had a more direct connection to Regal, who knows where she might have met her end. Alone, forgotten? At least someone knew her as she was; at least someone can tell Presea the kind of person her sister was.
The ToS fandom has always loved joking about how Regal's just into punishment as a kink or whatever (and I'll never forgive the shitty non-canon-in-my-heart sequel for leaning so hard into that angle, fuck you fuck you fuck you) but let's be serious about it for a hot second. Yes, I think learning this information puts him on a better path, but you can't erase 8 years of self-loathing and fear instantly. Did you guys really think this man would just forget about the darkest years of his life and start frolicking in fields of flowers?
The trauma he's endured goes so much deeper than "I killed the person I loved," and boiling it down to that really does the character a disservice. The "born for a specific purpose, not allowed to exist outside of that purpose" bit is also given to Colette and Zelos, but while their role is being a sacrifice whose only use is dying or procreating to continue the line to have more sacrifices (absolutely also traumatizing btw), Regal's situation feels a lot more like indoctrinated religion and, very specifically (and no I am not kidding), religious trauma. Again, he endured that very controlled lifestyle complete with a mantra from birth into his early 20s, and the MOMENT he broke away from it too far, his life came crashing down around him in a very painful and traumatizing way.
Now, you might think the religious trauma parallel is unfounded, if not also the indoctrinated religion aspect of it, it could just as easily be a parallel for an abusive and controlling relationship, right down to the betrayal from someone who is supposed to have your best interests at heart the moment you step outside of that control to the feelings of shame and self-loathing and "you did this to yourself."
So whenever I see people joking about what a sad sack of shit he is or whatever, I'm just astounded, especially if it's coming from someone who loves literally any other character in the game. Like, you'll definitely have your blorbos, and I totally understand if Regal just ain't it for you, but I find it really disconcerting that someone might find (for example) Yuan's trauma deeply meaningful but see Regal's as stupid or silly.
I'm pretty sure I started this post to talk about how easy it is for me to RP as Regal because he's just such a great character to sink into and write about, particularly because I like to imagine that, starting in the post-game, he deeply regrets some of the choices he's made in his life, and, rather than lean into the things that have already transpired, he seeks to do what he can to better the world around him with the resources and power that he has.
It's like the ultimate fuck-you to the way his father raised him. He's not wasting the skills he's developed, but he's also not using them to hurt people or for personal or Lezareno profit.
I think most of us love writing about characters who have to work through their trauma, but there's an extra layer here that I particularly enjoy with Regal. With Raine I'm all about her inability to trust easily and her struggle to feel truly comfortable around other people, but with Regal I think it's maybe specifically related to the fact that he has had a lot handed to him that he didn't necessarily want, and his self-sacrificing nature lends itself to him feeling obligated to take it. I fully believe Regal would be happier and better off stepping away from Lezareno and from his family's toxic ass legacy*** (or at least not working it full-time as the acting President) but I can't ignore the fact that...these things are all he has and all he knows. So writing about him attempting to get back into the swing of things, maybe struggling to find time for himself, falling into workaholic patterns by mistake, learning to set boundaries between his private life and his job...all while not being fully satisfied and finding more fulfillment in charity work and other pursuits, just makes him feel like a very well-rounded character. Like...it's believable that he would continue to work a job he didn't particularly love specifically because not only does he not know anything else, but he knows with this position of power he can make a lot of things happen that would be impossible if he just twiddled his thumbs on the sidelines--like financial assistance going to Palmacosta, or his duties as a nobleman to try to get better laws passed in Tethe'alla, etc.
This was a pretty clumsily-written post and for that I am truly sorry. I've just been absolutely insane lately thinking about Regal and I had to get some of why I think he's such a wonderful character out into the world.
:)
*this is just my headcanon but a lot about Regal screams autism to me.
**this is canon as far as I'm concerned. I wrote him this way far before I ever heard the drama cd, and the drama cd just solidified it for me tenfold.
***there's a scene in the hotel with Lloyd I think where Regal says his family's legacy on Altamira started when Tethe'alla flipped over to being a flourishing world last, which means they were in a position of power great enough to build an empire on Altamira already at that time (800+ years ago). I don't want to get into how awful this probably was or how evil the family was because I think you can all imagine that for yourselves. Also, nobody ever mentions the fact that Regal is the last of his family line, but it's a very convenient built-in control tactic to guilt someone into doing as they're told or risk bringing shame to a family that's been going strong and unbroken for over 1,000 years.
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Kaeya's story would have a pretty big plothole if he's telling the truth (Or in other words why Kaeya is probably lying his ass off) An analysis.
Major spoilers for caribert and Kaeya's character story.
Addendum : This is mostly for fun and to explore Kaeya's character and interactions, I'm not God, I can be wrong about things.
Important things are marked in orange and specific commentary on some elements of text is marked in purple.
Also while I do believe Kaeya is lying in Caribert and is generally an unreliable narrator, if you believe otherwise and can still make sense of his story please tell me, I would like to know other points of view or things I might have missed.
It is first said in Kaeya's vision story, he fought with diluc the day his father died. The reason why is quite simple, he told Diluc he was an agent (or pawn, depending on the nuance of the translation) planted by Khaenri'ah to serve their interests (and by the wording of the text, he had an idea of what the "ancient plot" meant). He comes clean and then fights Diluc as "his true self".
There was a side to Kaeya that he kept hidden from the world: In truth, he was an agent of Khaenri'ah, placed in Mondstadt to serve their interests. His father had abandoned him in this strange and unknown land to fulfill this mission, and it was Master Crepus and the city of Mondstadt that had welcomed him with open arms when they found him.
If Khaenri'ah and Mondstadt went to war, which side should he support? To whom should he offer his assistance: his birth father, who had ruthlessly abandoned him? Or his adoptive father, who had loved him and raised him?-
Quite a dramatic thought, makes it sound as if his mission will inevitably end in a war between the both of them, partly backed by Mona's voiceline
As a brother, he should have shared in Diluc's grief, and yet as their father lay dying on the ground, he had hung back behind his brother, that ancient plot running through his mind.
The use of that ancient plot instead of the ancient plot, or an ancient plot. makes it sound as if there are multiple ancient plots he is aware about, perhaps not the actual intended meaning but it's a fun thought, like how many ancient plots is Khaenri'ah directly involved in??? (probably a lot)
Consumed by guilt, Kaeya knocked on Diluc's door. As the rain poured down, the shroud of secrecy was washed away and all lies were revealed. Kaeya had finally come clean.
This is all fine and makes sense, Diluc feels betrayed and out of anger and residual sadness from his father's death, and strikes against someone he considered a brother, this causes a big rift between them and is a focal point in their relationship. Let's see how this character story is contradicted by the Caribert story quest, probably on purpose.
In Caribert Kaeya claims his father sent him to mondstadt to perhaps find happiness.
Kaeya: My life had less and less to do with Khaenri'ah as I grew up, and so I started caring less as well.
Kaeya: I used to believe that I had inherited some sort of duty from my father..
Kaeya: But then I began to wonder... Maybe my father left me in the peaceful land of Mondstadt for no other reason than simply to give me a happier life...
Then he didn't ruthlessly abandon him or send him to mondstadt to fulfill Khaenri'ah's goals, which contradicts everything previously established.
Kaeya: A happy life sounds good to me, of course. Even if it means being cut off from... certain things.
He sounds unsure, it's unclear If he wants to be cut off or not from those certain things, but what is he talking about?, If he doesn't know about the Alberich's involvement in the abyss order then what is he being cut off of according to him?.
It is implied Kaeya is just sugar-coating things, partly out of denial, partly out of a need to not reveal all his cards to the traveller, so I'm not going too in-depth with this section individually, as I believe it to be a clear cut lie in story.
And then the conversation with Dainsleif happens, and things get even messier.
Dainsleif: Tell me... what do you know about the significance of that name, "Alberich"?
Kaeya: Ah, you've decided to join us? I was wondering how long you planned on listening in. I believe I've seen you before in Mondstadt... Dainsleif, if I'm not mistaken?
Nice deflection buddy, almost as if he knows that If Dainsleif continues with that line of thought then some uncomfortable things will be revealed
Dainsleif: So you remember me (was he in Mondstadt to stalk Kaeya?). Then we are already acquainted, Kaeya Alberich... descendant of the Abyss Order's founder.
This means two things, first while the abyss is older than Khaenri'ah, the abyss order is a direct product of it, the sinners that are all that's left of Khaenri'ah according to Kaeya?
Kaeya: ...
Traveller: The Abyss Order...?
Paimon: What!?
Dainsleif: I take it that you weren't aware of this until now, Kaeya, or you wouldn't have been so forthcoming with your surname.
This is the part that always fucks me up, it makes a point for Kaeya being unaware of the implications of his surname, but also if Kaeya is telling the truth about not knowing anything about his father's motivation or goals for leaving him in Mondstadt, then what is his character story talking about, what the hell did he tell Diluc.
Do the character stories have information the character in story doesn't?, who's narrating the stories then?, Are they impartial?, are those kaeya's thoughts about his father's motivation?, Because that also contradicts what he says in Caribert. Or did he think his father was just working for Khaenri'ah which in his mind was a completely different thing from the Abyss order???, Then why did he have suspicious information explicitly from the abyss order like the title of the leader?, Which no other character apart from Dainsleif has (who would obviously know that)
I generally just take this as Dainsleif taunting Kaeya and trying to make him fall into a trap, because it makes the most sense.
Kaeya: Oh, my... that's quite a lot of baggage for a surname, isn't it? Though I must say, it does confirm an old suspicion of mine. I suppose that was why my father left me in Mondstadt after all... (How does that confirm anything, How does it improve your understanding of the ancient plot your father sent you to fulfill, in text it is said he was aware of the mission and was an agent or pawn, you already knew why your father left you)
Dainsleif: I'm surprised that you take me at my word without the faintest hint of skepticism... (Aka why are you lying you obviously knew this)
Kaeya: Well, perhaps what you told me just happens to answer some questions I carry in my memories. And, in any case... I recognize your eyes...(nice change of topic)
Okay the nicest interpretation I can give is maybe he knew his father was part of the abyss order but not that he was the descendant of the creator of the abyss order, but then what is the ancient plot he was sent to complete and why him?
Kaeya: You're a pure-blood Khaenri'ahn, aren't you?
I'm not even going to get into the, is Kaeya a full blooded Khaenriahn? thing or not because frankly I lack the information of the traits of a full blooded Khaenriahn. And in the best case scenario it just gives extra information on his mission.
Dainsleif: Very clever. (Thanks Dainsleif for actually being concise, even if you are most definitely hiding shit as well) Forgive me for being direct, but I sincerely hope this new knowledge doesn't change anything. If you've already let go of your ties to the past... then keep it that way.
This is just a barely hidden threat, if it's a don't get involved threat or keeping up the charade and clearly stating you are against the abyss order threat, is left up to interpretation
Paimon: Kaeya... You're not involved with the Abyss Order in any way, are you...?
Kaeya: Hey, hold on now. This conversation has taken a rather sudden turn for the deadly serious... and I'm afraid that as someone from Mondstadt, I'm not accustomed to this sort of atmosphere...
Deflection again, and identifies himself as someone from Mondstadt which in this conversation is also a double way of saying, I'm not a threat.
Kaeya: So what if I know my ancestry? Do I strike you as the type who would be bound by that kind of thing?
He changes his position again, "well even If I knew I wouldn't do anything for the Abyss order", which is weird because even by the kindest of interpretations he is terribly conflicted (Mona's voiceline, His character story, the fact this conversation is taking place to begin with)
Kaeya: Relax. I'll be just as delighted to hunt down the Abyss Order tomorrow as I have always been.
And how delighted are you, really?, And does this really make no change to you, almost as if you already took this into account?.
Traveler option 1: I trust you, Kaeya.
Traveler option 2:I think... I guess.
The real problem with the Idea that Kaeya is fully genuine about having no connections to Khaenri'ah or knowing about the Abyss order is that apart of all his info from his character story being wrong or unexplainable apart from the excuse of, well he had absolutely 0 context about anything , which would be strange especially for a character as Kaeya known for always having the upper hand info-wise. But that his fight with Diluc would make no sense. What did he tell Diluc?, That he was from Khaenri'ah and his father left him in Mondstadt to try to maybe make sure his son has a happy life far from the stress of Khaenri'ah (Stress like a mission or an ancient plot)?, How would that be a betrayal of any type, and how would that revelation show a hidden part of his true self?. If Kaeya knows nothing about this, then the emotional core of his story is ruined, because he would have never been conflicted when Crepus died, He would have no reason to be loyal to Khaenri'ah or the abyss order apart from his father being from Khaenri'ah, a father which abandoned him ruthlessly (or maybe not, who knows), The sinner's are all that's left of Khaenri'ah voiceline would just be meanspirited for no reason (because if those sinners were working for the abyss order, then it would make sense that he were critical of them), and His fight with Diluc would make no sense.
So in accordance to this, I believe Kaeya is lying about not being aware of the implications of his surname and the reason he was sent to mondstadt.
Thanks for reading if you have made it this far, and correct me if I'm wrong about something.
#genshin theory#genshin impact kaeya#genshin impact#genshin impact analysis#genshin kaeya#kaeya alberich#genshin dainsleif#caribert#archon quest#genshin spoilers#genshin speculation#abyss order#genshin diluc#diluc ragnvindr
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Robins, titmice, and other spring birds
AO3
Summary:
There are a lot of things Jason doesn’t understand in the dynamic of the Wayne manor, despite being here for nine months. Maybe a rescue turning a little more dangerous than it should have been for Robin will help him see things clearly?
Prompt: Adoption
Note:
Hey! Second bingo fic! So just to be clear, this is set in an alternate universe where Jason was taken in by Bruce before Dick stopped being Robin. Warning for (magical) hypothermia, grief, and near-death experience.
I hope you’ll enjoy the story. Many thanks to @ohmytoddhewitt for beta reading !
There are things within the Wayne Manor family dynamics that Jason still has a hard time grasping, despite having lived there for about nine months now.
Dick and Bruce’s relationship is one of them. The two of them could look like a typical teenager and adult relationship at first glance (not that Jason knows much about typical teenager and adult relationships), but there is something more.
They are Batman and Robin, for starters. The news had taken him aback. When Batman had brought him to the cave after that weird night that changed his life, and had removed his cowl, Bruce Wayne had been the very last person Jason expected to find under it.
So, they are Batman and Robin. Heroes of Gotham. And yet, out of masks - sometimes even in masks when no one is looking - they act like a teenager and his parent.
Jason will also, one day, become a hero of Gotham. He had started training as soon as he had regained enough weight to do exercise. Maybe he will be Robin. Maybe he will be something else. But he could stay. In the manor.
Bruce had presented him with the adoption papers about a month ago. Something to link them permanently, to make him his son. Jason still doesn’t know how to feel about that. When he had tried to talk about it with Dick, the older teen had made a weird face and deflected the conversation.
But Jason doesn’t feel as if Dick doesn’t want to be his brother. Despite his rocky relationship with Bruce, he’s always nice and friendly with Jason. He just doesn’t understand why he’s been so dismissive of the adoption thing.
“The fast-food place in front of the academy is looking for staff,” Dick says carefully, pulling Jason from his thoughts as they eat dinner.
Bruce makes a sound, not a word, and that’s also something Jason has learned to get used to. How Bruce rarely responds with actual words.
Dick doesn’t seem to mind. “I was thinking of applying.”
Alfred gives him a disapproving look. His opinion on fast food is a secret to no one.
“Why?” Bruce asks, and that’s a word, but a lone one, straight to the point. Jason is kind of asking himself the same question.
“I was just thinking it was more than time I started making my own money, that’s all.”
Bruce let out a long sigh that makes Jason think maybe it isn’t the first time they have had this conversation.
“You already have enough things to do with your studies and our nightly activities. If you want to buy something, you can ask Alfred or myself for money. You know we have enough in this household.”
And that’s final. Dick doesn’t bother fighting, just goes back to his meal. Alfred tries to keep the conversation going by asking Jason questions about school, and Jason is happy to indulge.
He had started school in September, two months after meeting Bruce. While he was a bit of a late bloomer compared to his classmates in the beginning, he’s been catching up to them during the last few months. Barbara, Dick, and of course Alfred have helped him with homework when he struggled. By now, he was the first to answer in science class more often than not, and his English teacher had complimented him on his poems.
Alfred asks the same things to Dick. Jason knows he has a big math test tomorrow afternoon, something he studied a lot for in the last few weeks. But he just skims past it, not letting show the importance Jason knows the test has for him.
Jason can guess why. Test or not, Robin is needed tonight, and Jason can understand that Dick would hate being benched over something as silly as needing rest for a test. Especially since Jason had heard the night before that the Riddler had escaped and was planning something. He knew he wouldn’t want to miss a fight with the Riddler if he was Robin.
But he isn’t, not yet; he needs more training first. So, as soon as the dinner is finished, he jumps in the cave and puts on the training costume Alfred had made him. He wishes Batman and Robin good luck, and Dick ruffles his hair in a way that annoys Jason as much as it makes him feel all warm before jumping into the Batmobile.
A few hours in, and Jason wonders how long Dick trained for before being allowed to go out. Surely, he will be able to fly in the streets of Gotham with them soon. He isn’t a trained acrobat, but he handles himself well, he thinks, smiling as a Batarang falls right into the center of the target.
But then, there is the issue of the hero’s name. Batman had said maybe he could be Robin, but then there would be two Robins, and that would be confusing. He needs another name. Something close to Robin, but not Robin. How about Red Robin? He likes Red, but that’s the name of a burger place, so huge no. Dick calls him Little Wing, something that annoys Jason, but maybe he could make something out of it. He would be the Wings of the Night or something, and… no, that’s ridiculous.
Maybe he should pick a totally different bird name? The Eagle - but no, that’s a rock band. Or The Falcon maybe? It does have more style than Robin. But also, Dick had explained to him that the name isn’t meant to scare people, or inspire respect, but to bring hope, to symbolize spring and colors.
Well, he can say anything he wants, Jason isn’t calling himself Titmouse.
“Master Jason, don’t you think it’s time to go to bed?” Alfred interrupts him, standing behind the training mats. This is something that took Jason some time getting used to, too. Being called “Master”; he told Alfred he could just call him Jason, but the butler firmly refused.
“I would like to wait until they are back,” Jason says. He knows the idea of Bruce and Dick fighting the Riddler will prevent him from sleeping, anyway.
Alfred gives him a frozen smile, the face he makes then things aren’t going the way he wants them to, but he has to accept them anyway. “Very well,” he says. “But I do not want to hear you complain tomorrow morning when you’ll have to get up to go to school.”
Jason gives him his brightest smile. “I won’t complain. Promise. Thank you, Alfred.”
He keeps training for a bit after that, but they don’t have to wait long before they can hear the familiar roar of the Batmobile engine. And just as the car stops, Jason can feel the tension bleeding from it. Bad night, then.
“What do you want from me?” Dick asks as he steps out, soaking wet with a mixture of water and something that glows pale blue in the artificial light of the cave. “That I apologize for saving those girls? I won’t.”
“It was reckless; you could have drowned, and them with you,” Bruce replies in the same tone.
“But I didn’t! You will have to understand one day that I’m not eight anymore, and-”
“Here, Master Dick,” Alfred interrupts, giving him a towel. “It is quite cold in the cave.” He doesn’t say that it’s quite cold outside of it, too, but everyone is thinking it. “And Master Bruce, why don’t you go change while I take care of warming him up.”
His eyes are like daggers, and Bruce doesn’t talk back, even though Jason feels that he wants to. He just walks toward the changing rooms. When he passes next to Jason, he looks at him for a second before saying, “Jason. You should be in bed.”
He sounds tired, but Jason still has one more thing to do before going to bed. He runs quickly to where Dick and Alfred are and asks, “Are you really ok? Is there something I can do?”
“Nothing beside getting yourself to bed,” Alfred replies. “I’ll just make sure Master Dick here is not hypothermic or poisoned.”
Dick gives him a smile that Robin gives to citizens. It’s bright, reassuring, and fake. “I’m ok, Little Wing. See you tomorrow morning.”
So, with nothing better to do, Jason goes to his room, showers, changes, and goes to bed. Despite thinking that worry will keep him awake, he’s out cold before he can think more about the night.
-
He doesn’t complain the next morning when Alfred wakes him up. He wants to, but he doesn’t. He promised, after all.
Instead, he gets himself dressed and goes down to get breakfast. Dick is already at the table when he comes in. “Good morning,” he says as Jason sits down, and his voice cracks a little on the words.
“What happened to your voice?” Jason asks as he takes some tea and a piece of toast, thanking Alfred.
“I slept with my hair wet yesterday. It’s nothing. It will pass.”
Jason hums. The manor is warmer than some of the places he lived in, but it’s still old and there is only so much isulation work one can do on a stone structure. It can get cold on February nights.
Alfred looks like he wants to say something more, maybe a comment on how this wouldn’t happen if Dick had shorter hair. It goes down his neck, nearing his shoulders now, and he stubbornly refuses to cut it. This has been one more cause of disagreement in the manor.
But he refrains from saying anything, and just drives them to the school without a word.
-
Jason goes through his morning classes as usual, trying not to fall asleep during the boring parts of the lessons. It’s only when he’s at his locker to get his lunch that everything goes wrong.
“Hey, street rat!”
He turns to see Augustus Wright. He sighs. Turns out there’s only so much anti-bullying presentations can do, and so much here means nothing. The boy is in his grade, a bit tall for his age, and had chosen him as his victim since the beginning of the school year.
“What do you want?” he asks sharply. He doesn’t call him “September” like he did last time, because he’d rather not get punched in the face again.
“Do you know what my father says about you?”
Jason doesn’t look at him, and focuses on getting his lunch out of the locker instead. “I don’t know, and I don’t care. Your father is an idiot who has an addiction to bad financial investments.” Or at least that’s what Bruce says. But he has the feeling the comment will not help him in his quest of not getting punched in the face.
As expected, Augustus’ hand flies toward him. But he doesn’t hit Jason, like he had expected him to. Instead, he hits the lunch box, and to Jason’s dismay, it flies out of his hands and falls down on the floor, the content of Alfred’s carefully prepared food spilling everywhere.
This is spoiled food. The one thing Jason can’t stand.
He clenches his fist. Bruce might be angry at him later, but that won’t stop him. That kid is going to regret it.
“What’s going on here?”
Jason turns toward the sounds, only to see Dick leaning nonchalantly on the lockers. His voice is deeper and lower than usual, so much that Jason barely recognizes it. It makes him look even more impressive, cold and collected.
Augustus seems a bit scared, which makes Jason smile. He might be taller than Jason, but Dick is taller and stronger than both of them. “You’re not supposed to be outside the high school building,” the bully says.
“Yeah?” Dick asks. “And what do you want to do? Call someone? And then you can explain why my-” his voice cracks a little - “little brother’s lunch is on the floor?”
Augustus looks like he wants to sink into the floor. “He’s not your real brother anyway. My father will hear about this!”
Dick tilts his head. “So he can talk about it with Bruce? I would like to see that.” He takes Jason’s arm. “We’re leaving,” he says, and they walk a little before conveniently running into the school janitor, who is talking with the superintendent. Did Dick plan that? “Excuse me, sirs?” he says, “Augustus seems to have made a mess in the corridor, would it be possible to help him find the materials required to clean it up?”
He gives them his best smile, the one that gets people doing whatever he wants, and with that, they’re gone. Because he has that kind of power, the superintendent doesn’t even question why he was in the middle school building.
“I had it handled,” Jason says when they’re out of hearing range, in a small corridor that runs between the two buildings.
“What, you were gonna beat up that kid?”
Jason doesn’t answer that.
“Jay, you know why Bruce trains us. It’s not for-” he coughs in his hand when his voice cracks again, and starts over. “It’s not for this.”
“He tossed my lunch to the ground,” Jason objects.
“I know,” Dick says as they sit down. “Do you want mine?”
“What about you?”
“I’m not that hungry,” Dick replies, handing him his lunch box. Jason opens it and splits the food in two, but true to his word, Dick barely eats his share.
“What, is the math stuff stressing you out that much?”
Dick shrugs. “Maybe,” he says. Jason doesn’t understand why it would be. Dick had always been excellent at math; he and Barbara have helped him more than once and Jason knows for a fact that Dick can do college level problems without struggling. He’s always at the top of his classes, if not the top of the school. The only thing he can maybe be worried about is being the second best and not the best, which seems like overkill.
Unless he’s aiming for a scholarship, like the one Barbara has. But that makes no sense. While the Gordons aren’t exactly poor, having her studies fully funded because she was at the top of the school in several subjects still makes things way easier for them. But he doesn’t get why Dick would need it: Bruce would gladly pay for whatever college Dick wants to go to.
“Or maybe you’re actually getting sick,” Jason says. “What even happened last night?”
Dick sighs and looks around to make sure no one can hear them; his voice barely audible, he says “Riddler had two girls in glass containers under a pool of some sort. There was something in the water, a chemical we think he got from Freeze - we still don’t know how. Anyway, a powder was slowly falling into a bowl that would pour it into the water once full. Then the two products would react, and the water would freeze, breaking the glass container with the increased pressure and killing or at least badly injuring the girls. B wouldn’t have solved the riddle in time. There was only a small opening on the pool, just for the powder to go in, Batman couldn’t fit; but I could. And so could the girls once I freed them.”
Jason doesn’t miss a word. “That is so cool,” he says.
“Well, B didn’t seem to think so. But yeah, I stand by my choices.” He coughs into his fist again. “Even if if I do end up being sick, B will never let me hear the end of it.”
Jason smiles a little at that. There is something nagging in the back of his mind - how easily a cold could turn into something worse when he was on the streets - but he doesn’t say it. Dick is talking about this so nonchalantly, he guesses this is how things happen in Wayne Manor: you get sick, you rest for a few days, and that’s it.
Dick looks at his phone and says, “Well, time for me to go, I guess. I need to do some last minute studying.”
Jason sighs. “What do you still have to learn? And what about your food?”
“Keep it,” Dick says. And with that, he’s gone.
-
Jason is in the middle of his biology class when he opens his phone under the desk to see two missed calls from Bruce.
“What’s going on?” he texts back. “I can’t answer a call, I’m in class.”
He immediately sees Bruce typing back, “Have you seen Dick?”
“Just about one hour ago, at lunch. Why?”
“Find him and get him back to the manor. Alfred is on his way to pick you up.”
No more information than that. But, given what Bruce and Dick do, this might be a life or death situation. Jason raises his hand.
“Excuse me,” he says. “I don’t feel well, could I go to the infirmary?”
The teacher gives him a suspicious look before saying. “Of course. Joshua, go walk him.”
When he leaves, he hears Augustus laugh a little, but that is the last thing on his mind. Joshua is a small kid with round glasses. He’s friendly to Jason because Jason took his place as Augustus’ favorite target. He’s been less friendly to him since Jason’s grades have started to threaten to take his place as best student in the class. But right now, he’s content with just walking with him in silence to the infirmary.
For a second, Jason thinks he could run. Joshua has asthma, he would never catch up to him. But then, how would he explain that? People would be looking for him, and that would be a mess. No, he has to be more subtle. He waits until they reach the infirmary and Joshua goes back to class. Then, he politely asks the nurse if he could rest a bit in one of the beds. Again, he gets a suspicious look for his trouble, but he lets him lay on a bed.
He waits a little, just long enough so he can see the nurse on his phone, not paying attention to him, before getting up and silently making his way out of the infirmary. Step one of his plan is a success.
Jason walks into the high school building, fast and silent. He moves into another corridor whenever he hears someone coming his way. He knows which room Dick is supposed to be taking his math test in as of now. If he’s not here after all he said about this, Jason is going to kick his ass.
But, thankfully, Dick is in the room when Jason looks through the window. He’s focused on the sheet in front of him. When he sees him raise his head, Jason makes huge signs through the window. He distinctly sees Dick mouth, “What the fuck?” before the older teen gets up, says something to the teacher, and leaves the room.
“This had better be important,” he says as soon as he sees Jason. If anything, his voice is worse than it was in the morning.
“I guess it is, or else Bruce wouldn’t have asked me to come get you. Alfred is waiting for us outside. Come on, let’s go.”
He takes Dick’s wrist to lead him out of the school, and is immediately taken aback by the fact that there seems to be is no heat radiating off his skin.
“You’re cold!” he exclaims.
“What can I say? It’s cold out. We’re not here to talk about my shitty circulation,” Dick replies, twisting his wrist out of Jason’s hand as he walks next to him.
“Alfred,” Dick says as soon as they see the butler outside. “What’s going on?”
“I don’t know anymore than you do,” Alfred replies. “I got a call from Master Bruce asking me to come and pick you up while he was getting back to the manor by his own means. Are you quite alright, Master Dick? You look-”
“I’m fine, Alfred,” Dick says as he sits in the back seat. Jason takes it as his clue to sit in the front, next to Alfred.
The short drive from the school to the manor is silent. When he looks in the rear-view mirror, Jason can see Dick has his arms around himself, and his eyes closed. He must be really upset at the interruption of his test. Not that Jason can blame him, but he’s sure Bruce has a good reason to call them back.
“What is this about?” Dick asks as soon as they walk in the manor. From where he’s standing behind him, Jason can see his shoulders shaking with rage.
“The two girls you saved yesterday were hospitalized this morning. We think the compounds all three of you have been in contact with is the cause.”
Whatever Jason had been expecting, that wasn’t it. Apparently, the same goes for Dick because he just croaks, “What?”
“Apparently, it can be absorbed into the skin, slowly decreasing the body’s temperature. Have you felt any symptoms that make you think of that?”
Jason holds a breath. Dick’s wrist had been cold to the touch, earlier. And he’s not shaking with rage, Jason realizes. He’s shivering.
“I… I guess I’ve been cold, but nothing-” his voice breaks toward the end of the sentence and he coughs loudly.
“Dick,” Bruce asks slowly. “Did you swallow some of that water?”
Dick nods, his eyes toward the floor. “Just after saving the second girl, there wasn’t time to get both of us out before my air ran out. But I didn’t drown. I spat that water out almost immediately.”
There is a second of silence, where Jason thinks maybe Bruce is going to yell, before Dick asks in a very small voice, “These girls… they are in the hospital because of me, no need to sugarcoat it. Are they going to be okay?”
“They will,” Batman, not Bruce, says as he takes Dick’s arm. “And so will you.”
Jason follows them anxiously to the living room, where Alfred is already waiting for them. Jason hadn’t even realized he left. “I saw your instructions regarding the care currently given to the two young ladies. There is nothing being done for them at Gotham General that we can’t do here,” he says to Bruce.
Sure enough, the couch has several blankets and heat packs, and Jason can hear tea being made in the kitchen. There is also an IV pole.
“Isn’t that overkill?” Dick asks. “I told you, I feel cold, but nothing too bad, I can-”
“The girls are physically smaller than you, but you were exposed for longer, not to mention you had some of the product in your throat,” says Bruce, not leaving room for protest.
“We just don’t want severe hypothermia to set in,” Alfred explains gently. “It’s better to start administering warm fluids now than to take any risks.”
Dick lets out a long-suffering sigh as he falls onto the couch, pushing his sleeve up and presenting his arm, a silent agreement to the IV. Alfred gets to work; without any other word, Bruce leaves the room.
Once they’re both gone, Jason slowly moves next to Dick on the couch. The older teen is still shivering, but he’s stubbornly on top of the covers.
“I’m sorry about the math test. I know it was important to you,” Jason says tentatively.
Dick doesn’t reply, just gives him a look. “If it helps,” Jason continues, “you’ve been having great grades all year and you will continue to do so. I’m sure this won’t stop you from getting the scholarship if that’s what you’re after.”
Dick blinks. “Thanks, Little Wing,” he says slowly. “It was stupid anyway.”
He doesn’t elaborate more than that.
After a while, Jason asks, “Do you want to watch TV or something?”
“You don’t have to stay,” is the answer he gets for his troubles.
“Yeah, but I want to. And we’re watching something,” Jason decides, taking the remote and turning on a crime show. When he turns back to Dick a few episodes in, he finds him completely rolled in the blankets and still shivering, cold apparently having won over stubbornness.
“I’m okay,” Dick tells him, his voice not much more than an airy murmur. “Stop looking at me like that.”
Jason quickly looks away, unaware he was looking at him in a certain way.
“I don’t-” Dick coughs. “I don’t regret it. We don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t saved them,” he says.
Jason doesn’t say anything to that. “I hope they will be okay,” Dick adds.
Jason nods. “Yeah.” He doesn’t like that. He doesn’t like Dick who is cool and who saves him from bullies and who is Robin being reduced to a shivering mess, curled up under the covers despite the fact that the heat packs are enough to make Jason hot from the other side of the couch.
There is a knock on the door – a useless measure, the door is always open – and Bruce comes in, something in his hands.
“Alfred made soup,” he says, carefully. “If you want some.”
Dick doesn’t move from where he’s buried under the covers, doesn’t look at Bruce. “I’m not really hungry,” he says through chattering teeth. And when Bruce doesn’t seem satisfied with that, he adds, “I ate well for lunch.”
“No, you didn’t,” Jason interrupts.
If looks could kill, the one that Dick shoots him would have sent him straight to the grave.
Bruce puts the bowl on the coffee table and squats down. “I know you’re not hungry. But your body is fighting an unknown, and you have to get all the strength and warmth you can have. Can you at least try?”
Dick still doesn’t look at him. “I don’t think I can eat,” he says.
Bruce tilts his head. “Nausea?”
Dick shakes his head. “No, I…” he gets one of his hands from below the blanket. His shaking fingers are pale and barely twitch. “I don’t think I can eat,” he repeats before pulling his hand back under the covers.
Bruce’s expression breaks in a way Jason hadn’t seen before. It’s not pity, or even worry, though there is some worry in there. It’s just utter sadness. “Chum-” he starts.
“I can help,” Jason interrupts again. “I can help you. I won’t make it awkward. I promise.”
He did it several times with his mother, when she couldn’t lift her hands or was shaking too much to hold a spoon. “I can help,” he repeats. He’s been feeling so useless since this whole thing started. He can do this.
“Ok,” Bruce says slowly. “Ok, Jaylad, I trust you.” And with that, he’s gone. He’s not good with seeing someone in pain or weakened. Jason had noticed how Bruce wouldn’t look at him when he removed his shirt for medical exams, in the weeks after he’d been brought to the manor.
Jason sits on the table and takes the soup in his hands. “Okay,” he says. “How do you want to do it?”
Dick closes his eyes slowly. “You don’t have to do this,” he says.
“I kinda do. Since you can’t hold the spoon.” When he sees Dick’s face, he adds, “I’m not judging you, or seeing you any differently because of this. I just want this dinner to happen the best way possible for both of us.”
Dick opens his eyes. “You’re right. We can do this like you want.”
Jason nods. He slowly puts a bit of soup in the spoon and moves it toward Dick’s face, making sure the oldest sees all his movements. When he reaches his mouth, he makes sure to be as gentle as possible. Dick, to his relief, doesn’t say anything and just lets him feed him. It’s only when the soup is about half finished that he mutters, “Sorry.”
“You have nothing to apologize for.”
“Thank you, then.”
“Yeah, that you can say.”
“Thank you, Jason. You’re a good kid.”
You’re a good kid. How many times had he heard this from his mother? Thank you, Jason, you’re a good kid. I don’t deserve you, Jason. I’m sorry, Jason.
He would never hear it again. He would never feed her like this and, as terrible as it was, he finds himself wishing he could. He wants to forget about that one morning where he woke up to find her cold, colder than Dick currently is, and pretends he’s still taking care of her.
An icy cold finger gently goes to wipe his face, removing a tear he didn’t know was there.
“What’s going on, Little Wing?”
Jason wipes his eyes quickly. He’s the one who should be taking care of Dick, not the other way around. “Nothing. It’s nothing.”
Dick tilts his head, keeping his mouth stubbornly shut when Jason tries to feed him more soup. “That doesn’t look like nothing.”
“I miss my mom, that’s all,” he says honestly.
Dick hums in understanding. “I miss mine too, a lot. I miss both my parents. Especially in times like this.” He looks everywhere but at Jason when he says, “Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if they were still there. If I was still at the circus with them.”
Jason hums. “Being with Bruce is probably better for me,” he says, because objectively, it is. Unlike Dick, and unlike most people he sees at school, Jason never had a proper childhood. He doesn’t even remember a time when he didn’t feel like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders.
“Probably,” Dick says. “I’m sorry, Jason.”
“I told you; you have nothing to apologize for.”
“We should have found you sooner.”
Jason doesn’t know what to say to that. He’s not the only Crime Alley kid in need of saving, and no matter how much Batman and Robin try, they can’t save everyone.
“It’s okay,” Jason says. “You found me.”
Dick closes his eyes. “Yeah,” he says. “Bruce did.”
They don’t talk much more after that. Alfred brings dinner for Jason, smiling in approval when he retrieves the empty soup bowl. They watch some more TV, only interrupted by the regular sound of Dick coughing, and Jason can feel himself falling asleep when Bruce enters the room again.
“I have a lead on where the Riddler could have gotten the compound,” he says without so much of a hello. “I’m going there tonight, to find more about it, and hopefully a cure. We’re going to save the girls, and we’re going to save you.”
Dick makes a sound of approval from where he’s even more buried under the covers. It’s clear that he’s not in any state to be Robin tonight.
“I can help,” Jason says, standing quickly. “I can help you. I’ve been training, I could be Robin!”
“No,” Bruce says, and that’s final. “I am not endangering you. Stay here with Dick.”
“I’m okay,” Dick says, still not moving, and definitely not okay. “He’s right, you shouldn’t be alone. Jason is capable, and-”
“No,” Bruce repeats. Before Jason or Dick can add anything else, he’s gone.
“Alfred is on the comms,” Jason says, both for Dick and for himself. “He will call me if I’m needed.” To be honest, he’s not really ready to leave Dick alone while Bruce, Alfred and probably Barbara are racing to find a cure. He still feels like everything can go south so fast. And to think just a few hours before they were joking over lunch.
“He’s going to find something,” Jason adds. “And you will be better in no time.”
Dick doesn’t say anything.
And so, they wait. Jason puts the TV back on, but Dick isn’t really watching anymore, completely curled up on himself around the heat packs. Jason feels himself getting lulled to sleep, and Alfred is too busy to tell him to go to his actual bed. So, he lets himself drift on the couch.
-
Jason wakes up to a sound he doesn’t recognize and what feels like a block of ice hitting his shoulder. He blinks and turns toward Dick.
He immediately feels blood rushing to his body, pumping into his ears. Dick’s face is ashy gray, his lips turning blue. But it’s the sound that comes from him that freezes Jason in fear. He’d only heard one person breathe like this; an older homeless man who had developed pneumonia. Things didn’t end well for him.
Dick’s lips move to form the word help but no sound comes out of his mouth. He coughs, and something falls down his chin. It’s not blood, but it’s not spit either.
It’s ice, Jason realizes with horror. Thankfully, it melts quickly, but Dick is coughing up ice.
That, more than anything else, gets Jason to move. He jumps on his feet and runs toward the cave. He doesn’t have any breath left to explain the situation to Alfred, but the old man seems to understand, hurrying upstairs with him. Dick is still in the same state when they reach the living room, and Jason blindly follows the orders Alfred gives him, knowing he probably won’t remember much of it later. Together, they get a portable oxygen machine to push warm air into Dick’s lungs, hoping it will ease his breathing.
Dick is looking at them with wide eyes the entire time, but, thankfully, he seems to relax a few minutes after they put on the mask.
“Take care of him, Master Jason,” Alfred says. “Master Bruce should be back shortly.”
So, Jason stays there and watches Dick like a hawk. But eventually, as Dick is resting, his breathing once again regular, he finds himself pulled once more into unconsciousness.
-
“B?”
Jason wakes up with a start. Dick is awake, his eyes big as he calls.
“B?”
Jason quickly moves next to him. “He’s not here. He’s looking for a cure.”
Dick blinks, like he doesn’t really understand what’s going on. Maybe he doesn’t, Jason thinks. He’s suffering from severe hypothermia and breathing difficulties. Jason wouldn’t be surprised if he was confused or delirious.
“He’s not here?” he asks, a little sad.
“No, but not because he doesn’t want to be.” To be fair, Jason isn’t sure if Bruce would want to be here, but he decides to humor Dick. “He’s trying to save you. He can’t lose you.”
There is something strange that passes into Dick’s eyes, something that reminds Jason of that day one month ago when they talked about the adoption, something that is not confused at all, and he says, “He can. He will.”
Jason feels very cold, like he’s the one who’s been in contact with the dangerous chemical. “No,” he says. “He will be back, he’s going to save you, and-”
“In a month,” Dick continues. “I will turn eighteen. And I will be no one to Bruce.”
Jason blinks. This wasn’t about giving up, then. “What are you talking about?” he asks. What does turning eighteen have to do with all of that?
“Foster care ends at eighteen.”
And suddenly, everything makes sense. Dick’s behavior around the adoption papers. Working at the fast-food place. The scholarship.
“You’re not adopted.” It’s not a question. And Dick just thinks Bruce is going to give him up after he turns eighteen? “Why?”
Dick doesn’t look at him. “I don’t know,” he says, and Jason doesn’t push it.
“But even then,” Jason argues. “You’re much more to him than his foster kid.” Has Dick not seen the way Bruce looks at him? Has he not heard the way he talks about him to Jason? Has he not seen him breaking in front of his suffering, earlier? “You’re Batman and Robin,” Jason says, a desperate attempt to make sense of what he wants to say.
Dick let out a small laugh, a sad, quiet sound. “Not for much longer. He will find another, better Robin.”
“What?” Jason’s voice breaks a little. That doesn’t make any sense. “No, that’s not-”
“You said it yourself. You can be Robin.”
Jason’s hands instinctively go to cover his mouth, letting out a choked sound. He said it, but he didn’t think it would have such an impact on Dick. He didn’t mean it in a way that meant he could be a better Robin, just that he’d been training to help them in the fight.
“No, no. No, I don’t-”
“I know,” Dick says. “You’re a good kid,” and there are these words again, Jason is a good kid. He’s a good kid, but he’d been unable to save his mom. He’s a good kid, but he’s been unable to not hurt Dick with his careless words. “I couldn’t hate you if I tried. And that’s the thing: it would have been so much easier if I could just hate you and think everything is your fault. But you really don’t like to make things easy, do you?”
He stops a bit, to take his breath, and Jason doesn’t know what to say, he doesn’t know how to make things better. He doesn’t know how to make Dick see how much Bruce loves him, and he just recalls how many times Bruce had told him how proud he was of Dick, yet all he ever heard between Dick and Bruce is technical talk or arguments.
“It’s okay, Little Wing.” And Jason wants to scream, because nothing is okay. “Don’t cry.” Jason wants to reply that he’s not crying, but he’s not sure about that. “I understand. You will be a good Robin. And you will be a good son. You deserve it.”
Jason wants to yell, he wants to say that there is no such thing as deserving to be a son or deserving to be a parent, it’s either something that you are or aren’t, and that a lot of people, people like Augustus Wright, probably think his mother didn’t deserve to be a parent and maybe she doesn’t but she was there. She was there. But what comes out of his mouth is, “I don’t have to be Robin. I don’t want to be Robin if I have to become Robin like this. I can be something else! I can be Titmouse.”
Dick raises an eyebrow. “Titmouse?”
“I… whatever!” Jason angrily wipes his eyes and turns out he is crying. “I can be another spring bird! I can bring warmth to Gotham’s winter.”
Dick smiles, and it doesn’t fully reach his eyes, but it’s something. “I would like some of that warmth, if that’s not asking for too much,” he says. “I’m so cold.” One of his hands sluggishly goes on Jason’s face, removing a tear. Despite himself, Jason shivers at the contact, but he doesn’t move away.
“I can-” he says. “I will-”
“I know,” Dick replies to what hadn’t been spoken. “You’re a good kid,” he repeats, and Jason lets out a sob. “Even if it was a lie, I’ve been happy to call you my brother.”
The hand that had been on Jason’s face falls back on the couch, and Dick’s eyes slowly flutter shut. Jason’s heart misses a bit. “No.” He moves so he’s practically on top of Dick. “No, no no no. Don’t fall asleep.” He can’t handle this. Not again. And even if Dick was right and Bruce was ready to lose him, Jason really, really isn’t. “Don’t leave me alone. Please don’t leave me alone.” He’s whining, he knows he’s whining, but he can’t help it. He’s never been a child, but the last nine months had been the closest thing he had to a childhood. So now, he feels like a child, and a child is whining. “Don’t leave me alone.” Is he really that powerless? Is there really so little he can do to keep what he loves?
A hand moves him, takes him away from Dick, and he wants to fight, but his limbs feel like jelly, and he watches in a dazed state as Bruce introduces something into Dick’s IV line.
And then, as Bruce moves his hands away from the IV to discard the syringe, everything that just happened washes over him. How Dick thought Bruce was ready to leave him. How these kinds of feelings aren’t born overnight. How he never heard Bruce tell Dick anything nice, and that probably means he hadn’t said any at all during the last nine months, probably more. It rushes over him, and he needs to do something about it.
And, like that night in Crime Alley nine months ago, his first reflex is to lash out.
“It’s your fault!” he screams, punching Bruce. His fists aren’t hurting him, he doesn’t even put any strength on them. “It’s your fault!” he repeats, and he melts into Bruce’s arms when Bruce holds him. “I know,” he says, and Jason blinks because how could he possibly know? “I just didn’t know what else to do. I won’t force you to be Robin if you don’t want to.”
And he just moves away from the couch, leaving Jason on the floor to ask himself what on earth was he talking about?
“Master Jason,” Jason blinks and Alfred is here. He apparently did some arrangements around Dick, and Jason lost some time. “I think it’s time for you to rest in a real bed.”
Jason blinks again. He wants to protest, but he’s bone tired. “I’m not leaving Dick,” he says.
“Very well,” Alfred says, and he makes a sign to Bruce to carry Dick to his room.
As they make their way upstairs, Jason almost regrets his lashing out. Because Bruce is so careful, so loving, so fatherly with Dick that there is no doubt about his feelings. But then, why the adoption thing? Why did he offer Jason, but not Dick?
That’s a question for tomorrow morning, he thinks as he falls into the bed. For now, Dick is safe, saved by Batman, and he can fall asleep knowing he will still have time to untangle everything that just happened later.
-
Jason wakes up next to a furnace. He checks the heat packs, only to find them long cold. The heat produced in the bed isn’t anything artificial. He turns toward Dick, who is still asleep, and the heat the older boy radiates is a nice change from everything that happened the night before. Though, Jason thinks as he studies Dick’s flushed face and his labored breathing, maybe that’s even too much heat.
Jason quickly gets out of the bed, and dashes toward the corridor. He stumbles upon Bruce, who is walking quickly toward the room.
“I just got news from the hospital-” Bruce starts.
“Let me guess, the girls had an immune response to the cure?” Jason finishes for him and Bruce nods.
With Alfred, all three of them move into Dick’s room, who blinks and groans when he sees them, apparently waking up. Bloodshot blue eyes land on Jason, and he feels like he’s under a microscope.
“You’re okay?” is the first thing he asks Jason, and Jason nods. He wonders if Dick remembers the last night, or if he’s just asking this out of habit. He takes the safer route. “Yes. You’re not contagious, it’s an effect from the cure.”
Dick blinks again, and Alfred hands him a glass of water with a pill that he looks at for a few seconds before asking, “The cure?” And then, as if everything comes back to him, he turns toward Bruce and asks, “Are the girls okay?”
Bruce sighs. “More or less like you, except for the fact that they didn’t go into respiratory distress.” Dick looks away in shame at that. “There is no way to tell for sure, since this is very experimental, but the doctors expect the fever to last a few days, and then break on its own.”
Dick finally takes the pill and some of the water Alfred gave him before falling back into the bed. “Okay,” he says. “Good.”
Bruce looks like he wants to add something more, but Alfred clears his throat. “You should probably sleep it off then, Master Dick,” he says, but it’s clear he’s talking more to Bruce than to Dick.
Bruce seems to accept that now is not the time to talk and puts one of his hands on Jason’s shoulder. “Come on, Jaylad. Let’s give him space.”
Just before leaving, Jason takes a step toward Dick’s bed and kneels down. “I’m glad you’re okay,” he says, both because it’s true and because no one else said it.
Then, he follows Bruce and Alfred to the living room. Alfred had cleaned up all traces of the night Jason and Dick spent on the couch and even prepared dinner. Jason wonders how he does all that. Alfred, he decides, is probably not human. That is the best explanation.
“B,” Jason starts once Alfred is out of hearing range, probably going up to try to get some food into Dick. “What I said yesterday-”
“No, you were right. I brought you into this life, but that doesn’t mean you have to be part of it. When I first took Dick in, he was angry and reckless. He would go out every night on his own. At that time, we created Robin. It was the best thing both him and I could find. But,” Bruce’s fingers tighten on his fork as he eats, “that was naïve and reckless on my end to think I could keep him safe out there. What you saw yesterday… It wasn’t the first time something like this happened. Dick knows it, and he made his choices. Still, Robin isn’t suiting him anymore, and he doesn’t want to keep working in the way we currently do. This is why, when you showed interest in vigilantism, I offered you to be Robin. But, if with after what you saw yesterday you don’t want to do this anymore, I can understand. You can keep training for self-defense, and you will always have a home in this house.”
Jason has to keep himself from murmuring a “Whoa.” This is the first time he heard Bruce talk that much since the speech he had when he arrived, he thinks. But there are several things that bothers him with what had just been said.
“No, I… I want to help. I know it’s dangerous, and I know danger. But these girls, they wouldn’t have been saved without Dick, would they?”
Bruce stays silent for a moment, not looking at Jason. “I don’t know,” he finally says.
“Okay.” Jason doesn’t push. “Okay.”
“But,” Bruce continues, “there have been situations where he undeniably saved people, so I guess your point still stands. Though, if you don’t want to-”
“You said Robin didn’t suit Dick anymore,” Jason cuts him, not wanting to go back on his involvement, fearful Bruce would change his mind about letting him go with them. “Did he tell you that?” Because this doesn’t make sense at all, given the conversation he had with Dick last night.
“No,” Bruce says, “He didn’t need to. His behavior has made it clear he needs a change, even if he might not see it yet.”
Jason blinks. Well, that was… a very Bruce thing to think. He doesn’t ask about the adoption thing. Part of him wants to ask, wants to know what made the difference between him and Dick, but part of him is afraid Bruce will backtrack if he asks too many questions, like he almost did for vigilantism.
Neither Bruce nor Alfred had said anything about school, so Jason assumes he’s allowed to skip today. He’s glad. He doesn’t hate school, but he doesn’t think he can handle it today, especially if Augustus or his friends start to pick on him. Especially without Dick. When he goes to see the older teen, he finds that Alfred had closed the door. The butler tells him to let Dick rest for now.
So, here Jason is. Not really knowing what to do and still full of adrenaline. He offers Alfred some help with the housework but, as usual, the old man firmly pushes him off after a few tasks. Bruce takes his computer and starts working on something in the living room, so he takes it as his clue to get a book and read.
They stay like this for a while, all three of them in silence. Jason regularly raises his head toward either Bruce or Alfred, and sometimes toward the stairs to check if he hears anything from Dick. But he’s totally absorbed into his reading when he hears, “What time is it?”
Jason raises his head quickly, not having heard Dick going down the stairs. It looks like the Robin stealth isn’t hindered by a fever.
Bruce, as expected, isn’t phased by the sudden apparition. “We’re just before midday,” he says, without even looking up from the thing he’s working on.
“I need to go to class,” Dick says and that has Bruce look up in an exasperated way. Jason is also kinda exasperated; he was hoping Dick wouldn’t remind Bruce and Alfred about school.
“I think not,” Alfred says, turning back sharply from whatever he’s doing. “You are still feverish, and, I would think, exhausted from the ordeal your body went through just last night. Go sit on that couch with Master Jason while I go fetch some lunch for the lot of you.”
Dick looks like he wants to argue, but he knows Alfred is right, and there is no way to argue with him anyway. So, instead, he just sighs, thanks him, and goes sit next to Jason.
“Are you okay?” Jason asks.
Dick looks steadily in front of him. “Yeah,” he says.
“You’re an excellent student, missing a day or two won’t hurt your grades.”
“Yeah.”
“And it’s not as if you could follow class properly with a fever anyway.”
Dick turns toward him. “You’re probably right,” he says. And then he smiles. “Looks like you gave me a bit too much warmth, right, spring bird?”
Jason immediately feels his cheeks heating up. “So, you remember what happened last night?”
Dick turns back to look at the wall. “Yes. Look, I was… I wasn’t in my normal state. What I said-”
“No, you were right. I mean, I’m glad you said it. I still want to help, but it doesn’t have to be by being Robin. I can be something else.”
Dick turns back to him with a smirk. “Titmouse?” he asks and his voice is still not back to normal but the gentle teasing heals something inside Jason’s heart he didn’t know needed healing.
“Shut up,” he says.
They stay in silence for a while before Jason dares ask, “Do you want to be adopted.”
Dick let out a long breath that makes Jason wish he hadn’t asked before saying “I don’t know.”
Jason doesn’t push it. He doesn’t know how to respond to that, anyways. After a time, Dick talks again. “But what I said is true. For however long it lasts, I’m proud to call you my brother.” His knuckles move to hit Jason’s head gently. “And if it’s still your choice, I would be happy to be your partner in the streets of Gotham.”
#dc#batfam#fanfiction#my writing#dick grayson#jason todd#bruce wayne#whump#dick grayson whump#hurt/comfort
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Thoughts on Canto V
Spoilers ahead. Also, disclaimer that I did not play it but instead watched it because I really like the story but I don't play the game anymore. I do not think playing it through would have impacted my experience, but do keep that fact in mind and let me know if you think my feelings would change if I had played it.
OH MY FUCKING GOD I REALLY LIKED IT! The characters were solid (though there are some problems), the theme of hoping for the future and allowing yourself to discover it for yourself rather than holding onto the past, and there were some incredible fucking moments.
Firstly, Ishmael. She was pretty stellar throughout. Watching her slowly degrade into becoming a mirror of the very woman she sought to destroy was heartbreaking, I felt like she actually had a real arc this canto that helped her become a less burdened person, and some of her deepening bonds with the other sinners were awesome. I particularly liked watching her interactions with Outis because Moby Dick and the Odyssey/Illiad are the two literary works from Limbus that I know well, and based on that info it makes sense that they would both understand and annoy each other. The moments with Heathcliff were also incredible because they've always had a really cool dynamic. Ishmael's relationships with her crew were also interesting and I feel like that could have easily been the best part of this cant, but ultimately that didn't end up happening (more on that later). I felt like the sudden character development 'Oh the other characters are my friends and they are my compass' thing was a BIG JUMP especially for Ishmael, but it's not a bad idea. I think it just needed more time in the oven, let Ishmael interact with the other sinners inside the dungeon and have her work together with them to get through things. Fortunately, Ishmael's VA + the Mili song really carried that ending so I still wound up getting caught up in the moment regardless. Speaking of Ishmael's VA...HOLY SHIT WHATEVER THEY ARE GETTING PAID IT WAS NOT ENOUGH!! Singlehandedly made me like this Canto so much more than I otherwise would have. An incredible performance all around, stand out moments include but are not limited to: Her ranting at the pirates about them not knowing what shame is, the euphoric hatred in her voice as she fantasizes about finding and killing Ahab, the grief as she discusses Queequeg and the hope as she sees Queequeg again, and OF COURSE WHEN SHE GOES AHAB MODE! Bravo Jang Ye-na, you carried this Canto through its weaker moments and helped the best ones become my favorite moments in this game.
Next, Ahab. I liked her a lot, fucking awful captain woman who reminds me of my old pastors. GOOD JOB MAKING THIS A FUCKING HORROR GAME THIS BITCH SCARES ME! I wish we could have seen more of her (and maybe we will in the future) because what we got was incredible. I was expecting a shitty boss but instead got another fucking cult leader. Her design is also a solid mirror to Ishmael's, further emphasizing the point that they are becoming more alike as this stuff goes on AND making the moment where Ishmael breaks the cycle of hatred more impactful. She is an incredible mirror of what happens where you allow hatred to consume you entirely, and the VA really reflects that. The only complaint I kinda have is that she probably should have been a lot more morally grey than she was. I feel like we just kinda got Kromer version 2 in terms of the role she played in the story and in Ishmael's life, granted that might change in the future so I will be very happy to be wrong if that's the case. But after Dongrang, I was expecting something a little more sympathetic or at least nuanced than 'evil cult leader captain lady hates that fucking whale and will kill her crew and makes that abundantly clear'. Again, I do like what we got so I can't complain too much but still.
I LOVE THAT BIG FUCKING WHALE! SCARY FUCKING BIG WHALE COMETH! ELDRITCH WHALE!
The Indigo Elder is so fucking cool. I wish he were here for more than 3 minutes and actually had something to do. They really introduced a man by having him tear the arm off the guy who we were struggling to survive against, said he was a Color and that he killed another Calamity, teased this really cool plan, and then...he's just waiting outside presumably 1v1-ing the whale but we get to neither see nor hear about it at all. I hope he comes back and we can see him do cool shit, because we had an incredible set-up with mediocre pay-off.
Ishmael's crew...I loved them so much I wish they were in the Canto for more than 1 level. They should have been introduced MUCH EARLIER in order to have their deaths have more of an impact. We should have been in the whale for longer, even if it meant shortening other parts of the chapter, just for the crew. Because those are Ishmael's ties and these are the people who Ahab's hatred is robbing the world of. What we did get of them was very strong, but Starbuck and Pip got nothing in terms of character moment and time. Queequeg got a little bit more (by the way I love that Queequeg actually looked like the design team at least LOOKED at a Polynesian person, I'm so jaded from other gacha games that I'm thrilled somebody actually looks like they're from the culture they're inspired from. She looks like a buffer, female version of one of my Polynesian neighbors it's great.) and it made her feel a lot more developed. She was a solid adaptation of Queequeg and her relationship with Ishmael was so sweet. The moments we got of them together were some of the highlights and it made me really want them to manage to escape together. Of course that was never gonna happen, but still. I also don't like how we don't even see Queequeg and Starbuck die. Are we supposed to assume Ahab killed them to manifest the ego? Did we kill them? I see some criticism around the fact that they stood by Ahab's side at the end and wondering why they did that. And I get that criticism because it is weird, but also that's just kinda what cult leaders can do especially when they're the only reason you've been alive for however long + you're slowly being overtaken by BAD WHALE JUICE. I 100% buy that they chose to follow the Captain because the Captain is always right and even when She does horrible things Her understanding is elevated above ours. And if Her fight is our fight, then surely it is ok for us to die here.
I feel like this is also a criticism that only I care about but why is the story suddenly like 'oh revenge is bad don't do revenge'? Like, I get it revenge is bad and that was kinda the point of Moby Dick. BUT WE HAVE LITERALLY DONE SO MUCH REVENGE AND REVENGE WAS KINDA SINCLAIR'S WHOLE THING AND IT'S PROBABLY GONNA BE HEATHCLIFF'S! Why is revenge suddenly bad and 'oh no it makes you just like the other person' no it does not Sinclair did not suddenly become genocidal because he kept trying to murder Kromer. Is revenge only bad when it's successful? IDK, I just hate narrative inconsistency and this immediately jumped out at me.
Overall, I really liked this Canto! I have my problems with it, but they are relatively minor compared to all it does well.
#limbus company#limbus company spoilers#ishmael#outis#ahab#starbuck#queequeg#I love her so much#heathcliff#BIG FUCKING WHALE#the indigo elder
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hiya zak!!! it's 2am and i can't stop thinking about it- but if you had the chance to write how luke gets cured of his illness in canon, how would you do it? (eg. via "surgery, but there's risks"/"oh we found a magical anecdote to your illness, yippee!...etc etc)
hiya "anon" hehe >:3c!!!! first off, thank you for this ask cuz it's super interesting. my answer to this is rather specific and looks bad at first but Trust Me and hear me out on this alright
if i had the chance to write how luke gets cured, i wouldnt make him 100% cured. medically (and this is very vague because im not a doctor), i would make it so that maybe new medication or a new treatment plan is found that makes his illness no longer terminal, but chronic. the new treatment has to be taken regularly as maintenance, along with regular diagnostic tests like EEGs and regular check ups with aaron. the new treatment would also come with a lot of side effects like mood swings, fatigue, nausea, etc.
basically: i dont want him to be cured, but i obviously dont want him to die. however, i want him to have to fight this for the rest of his long life.
it'll be an arduous process, one that never ends, but one he has to get through. and one he dedicates himself to do every day, because it's worth it, because it's worth life,
because he's worth life.
why do i want this? well, first off, it's because i'd love to see more chronic physical illness representation in fiction. it's not always clear cut with illnesses, and sometimes there Isnt a grand cure and it's more like an endless slog of maintenance
second off, i will repeat something i said in a previous ask i answered about luke's illness, but a sudden and 100% cure feels like a too-neat deus ex machina to me, narratively. his illness has been shown to be as Very lethal and Very painful and Very hard to treat, so for all of that to suddenly go away, well....the writing would feel a tad cheap to me if it were that easy.
and third off, because it'd fit well with the themes of luke's stories and luke's character
actually, let me go back to that previous ask i linked because im gonna copy paste a whole lot from it HAHA since my view hasnt changed since i wrote it. in that last ask i say:
in general with stories, i am less drawn to super neat resolutions and im more drawn to resolutions that are more like “and things werent perfect and they never will be, there will always be problems, but our characters will be okay and theyll keep getting better and better, and it’s in this push and pull of struggle and learning and progress and getting through where their happiness lies”
ever since luke was a kid, even before he developed his condition, hes had the fear of being a burden to his loved ones. and when he does get his terminal condition, this fear is worsened and he starts to see his existence in other people’s lives as a whole as a burden of pain and grief that isnt worth the trouble. and…i dunno, i just like the idea of him continuing to live but also continuing to have these problems that still spark fear inside of him and still take so much work to manage every day. and out of habit, he braces himself for pain, not just for the kind his condition gives him but from Life because Surely, His Loved Ones Will Get Tired Of All Of This, Of Him and The Problems He Comes With, Right?
but surprise surprise, they dont. because they care about him. because this should not and is not a dealbreaker for them continuing to care about him.
aaron creates treatment thats more on the preventative maintenance meds angle so luke doesnt have to just wait for a pain episode to pop up and then dry swallow painkillers every time. it’s not infallible , but sometimes luke can have hours, even a whole a day sometimes where the pain hes bracing himself for doesnt come.
mc always reminds luke to take his meds whenever luke gets too busy or caught up in a case. he worries at first that it’s an inconvenience to her for her to have to remember his routines for him just in case, but that worry becomes quieter as luke realizes she reminds him in the same tone as she says “good morning” or “have you had lunch yet? wanna join me?”, just this casual and loving thing thats now integrated into both their lives
the team are always ready to help too in their own way. when luke gets a pain episode in hq, marius offers distraction in the form of idle chatter on (harmless) internal pax gossip while luke waits for his painkillers to dull down the stinging. when luke feels uncomfortable tingling crawling across his whole body while out with vyn, vyn subtly helps luke move from a crowded area to a quieter one where outside stimuli cant further overwhelm luke’s senses. when it’s a bad grip strength day and all luke wants to do is punch something and fuck his useless hands up even more, artem tells luke about custom silicone grips that exist for things like pens or knives or such and that they could look for some next time they go shopping.
it is not perfect. but luke’s life, even with the pain, is still worth living. everybody is trying to help and eventually, luke learns how to start helping him self along with them too.
in summary: i think luke is a fighter. i do wish he had less battles to fight, but one battle that is important for him to fight is the fight to believe that he is worth living and worth joy in spite of it all
so if i had my way, i'd write him having to manage his illness for the rest of his life
and i'd also write him having a full and happy life while doing that anyway
thank you for the ask!! :'D
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the bloomingdale arc always got me especially emotional for whatever reason. i think its because there’s like. close to no happiness to be found in it, relative to the other stories, yknow? like most of them have a bittersweet “we’ve lost things but look at what we’ve gained” but bloomingdale just...doesn’t. the only thing you gain is a boat which like don’t get me wrong. the boat is sick i love the music but. emotionally? im still so bothered sometimes like.
marion bloome is a lonely, neglected child. i know that after you clear that section of the game it’s clear that she was/is loved by people who aren’t just after her money, but that doesn’t change that statement. she’s an orphan in a house too big for her to grow into unguided and alone. she has a nanny, sure, but by the time we enter town it’s clearly been a bit since they’ve spent time together. the servants genuinely respect and care for her, but they’re servants, and clearly attached enough to the hierarchy to be intent on keeping up that role, even if they’re willing to do it out of love rather than pay. the dollmaker, kind and skilled as he is, can’t be there for her always. he can try to fill the void with the doll, but even that feels like a sad sort of metaphor. like. when you’re a kid with no real power and people who will do almost anything you ask and more money than you can understand it all just feels empty. none of it feels like it has real consequence and that sort of vacancy makes it all like a game. make believe. marion feels the doll is both as empty as her as it is the only thing with any real feeling because it is a mirror of her. personally i like to think that’s also why marionette is shown more to be spoiled and bratty - mirroring the inner child that is upset and hurt, yknow? conversely, marion feels super emotionally mature - which means she ABSOLUTELY knew that people came to “befriend” her out of greed and nothing more. but what else are you meant to do when you’re lonely? it’s the only resource she has.
none of this has even touched on the fact that marion died alone. those last few words? that last wish she made? everything in her heart told her that she was going to die alone. if the fygg hadn't landed in her hands, she would have died alone, and her body would've rotted away til she was found - and i refuse to believe that would've happened quickly, given that i doubt marionette would've understood everything fast enough to bury her quickly, and apparently no one noticed that. her last moments in the world are spent rushing greetings and goodbyes and explanations to a friend she never gets to spend time together with for real. i just!! man im so upset on this fictional childs behalf. and it doesnt even really get better, yknow? her wish is such a sad thing like. i wish for you to be happy. i wish for you to find friends and family in the way i lost and will never be able to get back. i wish for you to find purpose. i wish for you to learn things i will never grow up to see. i wish for you to be happy. i wish for you to keep playing. i wish for you to keep playing. and it doesn't even really come true.
marionette tries, sure, but she doesn't really...get it? and you can't blame her! she's the wonky creation made by otherworldly power that never should have touched her in the first place, and being human is such a difficult thing even for those born as one. but she tries anyway, even if she's hurt, even if she learnt to love seconds before learning to lose, even if she's navigating grief without a guide. and she makes friends, and learns just as she's told, but it's all...off. the people she "befriends" are more interested in her wallet than the child in front of them, and the things she learns are distorted. and then you come along, and as far as she's concerned you've come to take her like marion was taken, and it's no wonder she's terrified of you. and then she's kidnapped, and that's somehow better. it's all part of the game, right? she hasn't read the rules, so how is she meant to know? and then, when the tyrantula throws her against the ground of course she doesn't understand. of course it hurts her, even if she doesn't know why or in what way. (how ironic that a spider would be the one to cut the puppet's strings) (you save her, sure, but it doesn’t feel like it’s enough, not to me)
she goes home. her world stays small. she doesn’t make friends, unless we count you. she visits the grave. she gets to say goodbye. she gets to be hurt, and see her friend one more time. and then...that's just it. that's it. she's just a doll. it's not like zere rocks - there will be no one coming to visit her, who will finally understand, and pay their respects. it's not like jona, who looks forward and makes her own future. there is no reuniting in the stars. there's just you, in an empty mansion kept alive by servants who will never know that the person they serve died long, long ago, that it's far too late to say goodbye to any version of her. just a forgotten dollshouse in the back of town, with marionette silent and unmoving on the floor, right back where she started.
there's just you, the player. you get to keep playing, at least.
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Book review: Augustus, a novel by John Williams.
This is not a history book. This is a story about small and ordinary people living through extraordinary times. It's a story about destiny, betrayal, love and grief; about how the same person can do both wonderful and horrible things. It is a book that raises questions - how far should you go in pursuit of what is right? What price are you willing to pay? How do you choose between your loved ones and your country? And it doesn't grant you a comfortable answer.
It's written in epistolary format: a collection of fictional letters, memoirs, meeting notes and public announcements from Augustus' contemporaries. The biggest voice in the novel is Julia, Augustus' daughter, whose journal is incredibly touching. Another standout narrator is Marcus Agrippa, who's a perfectly nice guy but intensely biased toward Augustus, and who will lie so smoothly to defend him you won't even notice it. Mark Antony shines in all his appearances, too.
Honestly, all of the narrators are either good or great. Williams' prose is exquisite and evocative. We don't hear from Augustus himself until the very end, a narrative choice that forces us to consider the feelings of the people around him, and how his actions (both great and horrible) affected them. We see those narrators fade out one by one, as Augustus outlives almost everyone, and the second half of the book is very melancholy as a result. By the time we see Augustus' own words, he's an old man questioning whether he made the right choices, whether it was all worth it in the end. His self-doubt mirrors the conflicted feelings and judgment you will probably be feeling as a reader by then.
I wouldn't call it a sad ending; there are sparks of hope and joy, and the world keeps moving, in some ways better than before. It's bittersweet. It humanizes a man who would be the "evil overlord" in many other stories - in fact, I think it humanizes everyone, including the antagonists, and that's part of what makes it so moving.
This is not a book for people who want clear good guys and bad guys, or a happy ever after. It's also not completely historically accurate: Williams took a few liberties for the sake of wrapping up character arcs, and he glosses over the proscriptions and the immense damage Augustus did to Roman democracy. The author emphasizes at the beginning that this is fiction, and the narrators are clearly not supposed to be objective, so I can forgive that. Just don't use this book as a reference for judging the real people.
Even so, if you want something poignant, thought-provoking, and heartfelt, this book is an excellent choice. It has my favorite portrayals of Julia, Maecenas, Salvidienus, and a lot of other historical figures from this era. Highly recommended.
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freedom (is standing next to you) - part 1
A/N: pirate!eddie is something so special to me, and i finally decided to write it, so welcome to another multi-chapter fic. it's a little short, but the next parts should be longer! title is a lyric from fleetwood mac - freedom. if you'd like to be added/taken off the taglist, just let me know :)
warnings: none that i can think of, piracy?
word count: 3k
taglist: @valeriiecameron @oeuryale @myguiltypleasures21 @aprilfire18 @mallgothmunson @tinalbion
summary: To avoid being sold into marriage, you decide to run away, and you meet Pirate Captain Eddie Munson, who shows you a life you never knew was possible. But with your husband to be unhappy about being jilted and determined to get you down the aisle, is a life of happiness and freedom possible?
It was now or never. Tonight was your only chance to escape the life that had been forced upon you. You were under no illusions, you knew this happened; you'd watched your friends over the years be forced into marriages, some were sold, and some had been arranged since before they were born. You had, however, always thought this would never happen to you. Your mother had spent her life promising you that you'd experience marriage the right way, by falling in love, and if you chose it, and your father had always seemed to be in agreement.
But when you were fifteen, your mother died, cruelly, without any explanation or warning. One day she was alive, the next she wasn't. At first, your father did the best he could. He worked hard, but always made time to come home and cook dinner. He'd tell you about his day, you'd tell him about yours, and as you helped clear up, he'd tell you stories about your mother, ones you'd never heard before. But a few months later, things changed. He started going to the pub more often, drinking a lot more, staying out late before coming home to pass out in his chair, if he ever came home at all. You got used to the distance your father put between you both, even if it did break your heart, it was awkward when he was home, he could barely look at you, let alone say three words to you.
So it was unnerving when you came home from spending the day at the market with Nancy, to find your father, not only relatively sober but also cooking dinner - something he hadn't done in years - and you naively thought that maybe things were looking up, that he wasn't going to let his grief ruin his relationship with you. But you were wrong, he was ready to let his grief completely eviscerate any relationship you two had. He told you he was selling you into marriage, that he'd had an offer he just couldn't refuse. He tried to soften the blow with the news it would be to the Prince, but you didn't care.
You argued, cried, and begged, but his mind was made up. You screamed at him that you'd never forgive him, that you hated him, that your mother would hate him too, but he didn't flinch, he didn't waver. And so you and Nancy made an escape plan. While Nancy came up with the intricate details, you tried to make sense of your father's decision. You didn't think he needed the money, but you also had no idea what your father got up to anymore. Maybe he could no longer stand the sight of you, unable to live with the constant reminder of the love of his life, and how she was cruelly snatched away from him.
You didn't want to leave your home, the place where you grew up, that held the memories of your mother, memories that were slowly fading with time; but you knew that you'd rather leave and possibly die on the run with your best friend than live a life imprisoned in a marriage you never wanted. You just needed to get as far away from this town as possible, somewhere you could change your name and be free. So you grabbed a duffel bag, stuffed as many clothes as you could inside it - which wasn't many - begrudgingly leaving all of your mother's mementos, apart from a charcoal picture of her that you and drawn, her necklace, and your favorite ring of hers. Then after one last look around your bedroom, you slipped out of the window and shimmied down the makeshift blanket rope, where Nancy was waiting for you.
"Are you ready?" Nancy asked, wiping the tears from your cheeks with her thumbs. "We've got this. You've got this." She whispered repeatedly, as she led you away from life as you knew it.
***
You pulled your hood over your face a little further and followed Nancy into the pub. You couldn't be too careful, you had no idea if this was a pub your dad frequented, and with your mother's death having been the talk of the town, you were worried you'd be recognized.
The small pub was dingy and dim, but it was still busy and loud, everyone too invested in their own business to pay attention to you, and you managed to find an empty table near the back. You sat with your head low as Nancy ordered two bowls of soup and two small glasses of wine. "You'll be thanking me later," she said, "we'll need our strength, we can't be running away on empty stomachs!"
As you tucked into the soup, which was swiftly brought over, Nancy told you the first phase of the plan.
"The best way out of town, and the easiest way, is on a ship."
"Okay, and how do we acquire a ship?" You asked, between spoonfuls of soup.
"I have a contact," Nancy replied, tilting her head towards the rowdiest table. It didn't take a genius to know that the table was occupied by pirates, it was pretty obvious who they were from the way they were dressed, and how they acted like they owned the place. The men were singing loudly, shouting above each other and laughing, as they groped the women sat on their laps. "See the guy in the middle? That's Steve Harrington."
"Wait, Nancy...Steve "The King" Harrington? First Mate of The Freaks? Nance, you can't be serious!"
"Oh, I'm completely serious. This is our only option. In a few hours, the streets are going to be crawling with royal guards searching for you, we need to do this." Nancy said as she stood up and brushed down the front of her coat.
"I thought you said this would be easy." You mumbled, and she laughed.
"I said it was the easiest way, not that it would be easy." She smiled at your worried expression and leaned on the table as she asked, "Do you trust me?"
"Of course I do." You replied, without missing a beat.
"Then I'll be back soon." She turned away, just as you shot up.
"Nance, wait!" You managed to grab her hand and pulled her back, making her groan. "You can't just go over there and ask him for a favor!"
"Why? Because he's a pirate?"
"Yes! You know what they say about him and his crew."
Nancy pulled her arm from your grip and took your hands in hers. "I know, okay? This whole thing is a risk, but your freedom is worth it, right? It is to me." You nodded, and she carried on. "Look, I know Steve, okay? He's a pirate, so he has access to a ship, and I know he'll help us."
"You know Steve Harrington?" You couldn't help but smirk, and Nancy rolled her eyes.
"We have a...history, okay? He wasn't always a pirate, you know?"
You stared at Nancy, your mouth open slightly, making her laugh as she put two fingers under your chin, closing your mouth for you. "Okay fine," you replied, "but you're not going over there alone. He's still a risk, right?"
"Of course he is, he's a pirate. But if plan A doesn't work- Nancy dropped one of your hands and opened her coat slightly, showing off a revolver in a holster attached to her skirt. "- I have a plan B."
You masked the revolver with her coat again and sighed, before nodding. "Okay fine, let's do this. But promise me, one way or another, we're getting out of here."
"On my life." Nancy promised, giving your hand a squeeze before she pulled you towards the table of pirates.
***
You had heard all the tales about Steve "The King" Harrington, First Mate of The Freaks, and about how he grew up right here in town, his family wealthy, but not very present. Steve got into trouble around town, but with his family name and his charismatic nature, he got away with most of it before things escalated. He left it all behind for a life of piracy, though, and joined The Freaks, where he became infamous, the crew's status almost hitting mythological heights, where the line between truth and storytelling became blurred, until one day, they were the most fearsome crew on the seas.
You used to hear the rumors that Steve Harrington had died almost instantly after leaving home. People used to say "there was no way this pirate could possibly be little Steve Harrington, who was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and who couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag" and laugh as if the thought of someone dying was funny. Then one day, Steve Harrington rocked up in town, squashing the rumors that he'd died once and for all, and he proved he and his newfound family were a force to be reckoned with by claiming this very pub as The Freaks' new hangout whenever they were in town.
Not only was Steve a fierce pirate, but he was a handsome one at that. You weren't sure how much of what you had heard was exaggerated, but his attractiveness certainly hadn't been. Your heart battered against your rib cage, you'd never been around someone this attractive before, and on top of that, he was a pirate too. You had no idea what was about to happen, or what to even expect, yet Nancy looked calm, completely unfazed by what you were walking into. It was just another reminder that - although she was your best friend, and you knew more about her than anyone else did - there was still so much you didn't know about her.
"Nancy Wheeler!" Steve shouted, slamming his tankard down on the wooden table as he stood up, kicking his chair over. He jumped on the table, walking over everything before he jumped off in front of her. "What the hell are you doing here?" He asked, embracing her. From over her shoulder, his eyes found you, and he raised his eyebrow. "Whose this?"
You felt scrutinized as he stared at you with narrow eyes, and you prayed he didn't know you or your father. "This is my friend, we need your help." Nancy replied, and Steve's eyes darted back to her.
"Does your friend have a name?"
"Her name isn't important, we just need to get out of town. Tonight." Nancy said. "You owe me, Harrington, remember?"
Steve laughed loudly, making everyone in the pub stop and stare for a second. "I should've known you'd not forget that!"
"Been holding onto it for six years." Nancy grinned. "So, is that a yes?"
Steve glanced at you both, before he clapped his hand on her shoulder, his large rings catching your eye. "I owe you, remember? I need to talk to Cap though, so meet me at the dock in an hour, can you keep out of trouble for that long?"
"I think we'll manage," Nancy said. "Thanks, Steve." They hugged again before Nancy pulled away and linked her arm around yours.
"See, that wasn't so hard, was it?" She grinned as you walked away, and you laughed.
"Why was it so easy, Nance?" You asked, and she patted your arm as she tutted.
"Don't worry about it."
***
When you and Nancy arrived at the dock, Steve was already waiting for you. He was smoking a cigarette, leaning against the wooden shed, illuminated from above by the one dim light attached to the building.
"Ladies," He greeted, taking one last drag of the cigarette before flicking it into the ocean. "Are you ready to become pirates?"
Your heart began to beat faster again, the nerves almost becoming too much for you. The tiny voice of doubt in the back of your head became louder as you started to question whether life on the run, forever looking over your shoulder was worth it. Nancy grabbed your hand and squeezed it three times, almost as if she was reading your mind, knowing what you were thinking.
"We've got this. You've got this." Nancy repeated the affirmations she had said back at your father's house, and you smiled. "Let's go be free."
"Thank you." You mouthed, as Steve led you towards the large ship that loomed in the distance.
"Okay so, the Cap's a little...eccentric, chaotic, he's a little bit of a mess, to be honest with you, but he's alright if you stay on his good side," Steve explained. "So just do what he says, and everything will be fine."
You weren't sure what you were expecting, but the ship was stunning. The wood was dark, almost black, with the words Corroded Coffin etched in gold on the side. There were a few circular windows dotted along the side of the ship, red cloth hanging inside the rooms, acting like curtains, and two large white sails loomed above you. You followed Steve up the large plank, taking his hand when he offered to help you hop over the edge onto the deck.
The ship was huge, the deck bustling with members of the crew running around getting the ship ready. There were people mopping the wooden floor, setting the sails, rolling barrels, and carrying boxes down into the cabins under the deck. It was so chaotic and you were shocked by how busy the ship was. It was overwhelming, and judging from the way Nancy's nails were digging into the palm of your hand, she was feeling the same way, which was slightly comforting.
"So, these are the runaways! The damsels in distress!" A loud voice came from behind you, and you and Nancy whirled around.
You didn't need anyone to tell you that this was the Captain. Everyone on the ship was staring up at the curly-haired man in admiration; he was clad in black leather trousers, and a billowing white shirt as he balanced on the edge of the ship, holding only a rope with one hand for support. You were mesmerized by him; just like everyone else, you couldn't take your eyes off him. He jumped from the edge, onto the balcony, crossing it like he was a tightrope walker, his brown eyes never leaving yours. He was completely captivating, you had never seen anyone act this way before, and it was hard to tear your eyes away from him.
"We're not damsels in distress." Nancy said, the Captain's eyes finally leaving yours to look at her. You exhaled, you didn't realize you were even holding your breath, and you watched as the Captain jumped off the balcony, landing in front of you and Nancy. He looked you both up and down, his eyebrow raised, a slight smirk tugging at the corner of his lips.
"Please, who are you trying to fool? You're damsels- probably from royalty, judging from the way you're dressed- who are so desperate to get out of town, that you're trusting pirates, of all people. Not just any pirate crew, but The Freaks!" He, and the crew, all laughed loudly and Nancy rolled her eyes.
"We're not royalty, just because we're dressed nicely, nor are we in distress, just because we need help." Nancy scowled, crossing her arms across her chest, and staring the Captain down. Nancy never failed to amaze you, she was always so fearless, no matter what she faced. She was the only person you could count on, the only person that had never let you down, and the only person you trusted with your life.
"I take it you're not the one running away." The Captain replied, turning his attention back to you. You took a leaf out of Nancy's book and held his gaze, although you were pretty sure Nancy didn't find it this hard to not drown in his beautiful eyeliner-covered eyes. If the First Mate was handsome, the Captain was beautiful, the most beautiful person you'd ever seen, if you were being honest. Luckily, before you made a fool of yourself, Nancy spoke for you.
"We're a package deal. If one's running, we both are."
He smirked, as he twisted the rings on his fingers. He was clearly amused by the two of you, and your doubts about your plan were growing. Trusting pirates was the worst decision you could make, and yet, here you were, trusting the worst pirates of all. It was so crazy, that even the Captain was in disbelief. You knew he thought you were both naive, and he could use that to his advantage if he wanted to. You had to make sure you were ready for anything. Before Nancy or the Captain could trade more jibes at each other, Steve clasped his hand on the Captain's shoulder and chuckled.
"Come on, Eddie, leave them alone. We need to go, now." Steve interjected, and Eddie winked at you before clapping.
"Alright, fine," Eddie said, his eyes slowly trailing up and down your body once again. "Robin!" He yelled, and you saw a brunette, freckled-faced woman scurry across the deck from next to the ship's wheel. "Would you be so kind as to take these two to your chamber, they need to change."
"Change?" You squeaked, and Eddie's head whipped around to you. A toothy grin spread across his face and you cursed yourself for being so awkward.
"Oh, she speaks!" He said, loudly and dramatically, the ship erupting with laughter again and a hot wave of embarrassment washed over you. "Yes, Princess, you need to change. You're on the run and you don't look like you belong on my ship, you do see how that might end up being a bit of a problem, don't you?"
You nodded, and Eddie smirked once again. "Make them look like pirates, Robin!" He said, and as Robin ushered you down some stairs, you couldn't help but wonder what the fuck you had gotten yourselves into.
#eddie munson#stranger things#eddie munson fic#stranger things fic#eddie munson x you#eddie munson x reader#steve harrington#nancy wheeler#robin buckley#my writing*
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Dark knight is the most romantic job, huh? Maybe you should elaborate 👀
Oh well if I must~
notes: contains spoilers (very vague but yk still there) for the Dark Knight job quests, Shadowbringers role quests etc. Please play critically acclaimed mmrpg Final Fantasy XIV (now on xbox) with a free trial I am so normal about it and I promise you will be too. I need someone to grind gemstones with next expansion it only makes you want to die a little I swear.
I want to start by bringing something up I don't see discussed a lot (if at all) in discussion of the Dark Knight questline, and that is the background music used. When dramatic or poignant moments occur in other questlines, even the other two that were introduced in Heavesnward (machinist and astrologian), the cutscenes stick to the default/expansion appropriate sad music. This doesn't happen in the DRK questline though, instead the sound designers chose to play Dragonsong during what are some of the most emotionally charged moments in the whole game, and generally stick to the Heavesnward background music even through the Stormblood cut-scenes. The choice of Dragonsong is really what makes me think of the job as "romantic" more than anything; the song is in a lamentation of lost love and trust between dragon and man certainly, but you could also apply some of those lyrics to the separation between the Unsundered and the Warrior of Light, or the separation between the warrior's darker half and their willingness to shoulder their duty.
This musical choice becomes especially clear when you speak to Count Edmont at the end of the Stormblood job quests, as a very specific part of the song begins to play as the Warrior of Light is asked to reflect on what could have possibly caused their heart to break and crack their jobstone:
Not that I point this out to suggest it's cannon the Warrior had romantic feelings for any one person in particular, but to hammer home exactly what the Moogles try to tell you:
Dark Knights get their power from their love; that ugly, hard work, painful, your heart is trapped in a rib cage desperate to leave type of bleeding love that is desperate for somewhere to go and doesn't have it anymore.
"Love is grief with nowhere to go." Is a quote that can more or less apply to every Dark Knight we are introduced to in game. Fray is literally dead, we never truly meet him at all, Sidurgu had already lost his whole tribe only to then lose Fray and their master, Granson lost his wife, and Emet Selch... well what hadn't he lost? And they are all angry, burdened by their grief, and desperate for somewhere to put their love because the people they want to give it to are gone.
idk I just think the concept of taking your love for your fellow travelers and using it as a focus to overcome the worst parts of yourself (from your doubts to your anger and resentment) so you can use all of those emotions as fuel to protect them, even from themselves is just so romantic to me. You don't have to be happy about it to do the right thing, and you don't need to be nice to be good. Love isn't always cute, sometimes it is very ugly and raw and I love when stories play with that.
So yeah. The most romantic job. I could get more specific but it has been a long time since I played through these quests ;-; I should fix that
#<3 asks#ffxiv dark knight#ffxiv#i kind of want to take a crack at analyzing myste now that we know about dynamis#but i need to focus on leveling#gotta get those jobs up before dawntrail yk
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It's been ages since I've last used Tumblr to post something (and not simply like/reblog things from my latest hyperfixation) but there was only one thing that could make me want to come back:
✨ New OBEY ME game!! ✨
I have to admit I've always been more if a Twitter person instead of a Tumblr person but I don't know why, when I first started playing obey me back in season 1, I felt more inclined to talk about the game here than there. And that's what I did for a short time. So now that I'm caught up with the game and I'm hyped about Nightbringer, I got the Tumblr nostalgia and decided to share my hopes and thoughts about the new game with the Tumblr fandom!
So, here it is: what do I expect/hope for in Obey me Nightbringer + a few theories I've seen around, and my own
First, obviously: SATAN'S BIRTH and all of its consequences. I'm so eager to see the shock his existence brought to all the brothers, specially Lucifer. I hope they give us a really deep and interesting analysis of their trauma, with them being visibly more affected by it than they were back in season 1.
Then, our apparently two stars of the game: BARBATOS AND SOLOMON
Here I have to explore a few things.
It's clear by the prologue that Barbatos is that demon with the clock (who can obviously control time) that helped a human in grief. As most of the fandom seems to agree, that human is likely to be Solomon himself.
Now, what does this mean?
I've seen some theories around. About Solomon being granted immortality by Barbatos' powers (thus his previous stories about how he got it being all pure lies) or even about Solomon being the human Lilith fell in love with and grieving her apparent death or punishment by heaven. This, I believe would be an INCREDIBLE new plot, honestly. It would make the story go deeper to a new length.
Did Solomon make a pact with Barbatos in which he gave up his mortality, all to search for Lilith? Did he find her with her new human life after that, and he had to resign to his new immortal live knowing Lilith is happy now with someone else and would end up dying as a mortal?
I know it's a crazy theory but it has so much potential that I would love to see it in the game. Will it happen? I doubt so. I'm not really that faithful in the Obey me writers to go to this lengths. But, hey, dreaming is free. And writing fanfics too, so I'll keep those ideas in my mind haha
Anyways, this leads me to my own theory that I do believe could appear in the game
BARBATOS AND DIAVOLO'S FATHER
It all starts with that king scene in the prologue but this picture has given me even more to work with
Barbatos is controlling a king, who is nothing more than his puppet. Now, which king do we know something about in Obey me? The demon king, of Diavolo's father. From which we know almost nothing. He's apparently alive, but he never makes an appearance and Diavolo acts more like a king than whatever that man is doing.
This makes me think... What if the king being unable to reign over the devildom, and Diavolo having to act as a King... Is all part of Barbatos' scheming??
What if Barbatos, with his immense power, made sure to keep the king away so that Diavolo reigned instead, even if it's without the title of king? And what if Diavolo doesn't know about it? Did the human that Barbatos saved (Solomon, as seen in the prologue) become some kind of help in this scheme? Is that why he did it?
Of course, it could always be a simple human king that tried to summon a demon to get power and got played instead but... That wouldn't be so interesting in the whole Obey me/devildom plot, isn't it?
Of course, there's more to expect form the game. The whole idea of MC disguising as a demon can bring so many interesting things if it's written well, and also the possibility of seeing the side characters (the angels, Solomon...) in the past is appealing too. And the whole mountain of possible interactions with them in that context would be enough for another long post but...
Should we get our hopes high? I am, honestly. I hope for too much lore in this game but I'm scared I'll get discouraged when it comes out.
The last seasons in Obey me felt rushed and there were lore details that aren't consistent (like RAD apparently not existing yet in Nightbringer but being said in Obey me that the brothers visited the school once while being angels...) and I didn't like the way they treated the first time travelling back in lesson 16...
So I guess all that's left is to wait and see.
#obey me Nightbringer#obey me#obey me news#obey me shall we date#obey me fandom#obey me theory#obey me lore
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Hi, I've seen a few (jk I've seen a bunch) of your posts and I was just wondering...
If Jason came back to life, would you be pissed that Rick pulled another Leo, or would you rejoice?
OR would you rather Will and Nico bump into Jason in the middle of the book?
Hi! Firstly, thanks for your interest! Let us dissect this one at a time.
For the first question: well, I'd say "pissed" might be too aggressive. I rarely get outraged when it comes to media content (wrecked yes, but rarely angry). I might not like it - that's like. all the time - but I'd most likely be able to leave it alone just bc I hate to care about what I dislike.
That is to say: should it turn out that Jason pulls a Leo, I think I would be more happy than not.
Of course, it depends a lot on how, exactly, Rick pulls it off.
As I've said, it's all about plot and more importantly, to me, logic. If he makes up another sort-of-the Physician's cure and the story basically goes the same way? I would be extremely disappointed. I love parallels but not replays. I hate it more if it's Jason - who's alr been shat on enough for "not having a personality". I'm throwing hands
In the fortunate event that Rick somehow comes up with a new, unrivaled resurrection method for Jason, though? It'd be really nice because I'm pretty sure 9 out of 10 Jason stans would want another chance for him to live a true life. Bringing him back to life - as of now, would do more good than harm, IMO, and maybe idk give the Jasico fans a reason to buy the book Ig
I'm aware of how difficult it is, also. Said resurrection must not be another Leo replica and still has to bypass Nico's children of Hades thing. I barely know about Greek myths and I have nothing in my mind. Let's just Rick has something in store should he decide to play this card lmao.
About the scenario in which Nico and Will bump into Jason: generally, I have no problem with the idea that Jason would make an appearance again. As mentioned: I'd love to see Jason again - in every shape and size, honestly.
However, there're a few I hope would be addressed should it happen that way:
1/ The fact that Nico didn't even try to contact Jason after his death.
2/ How Jason feels after-death, whether he even wishes to be back, how he feels about his funeral and/or Apollo's promise, sort of, etc...
3/ A clear insight into Nico's grief.
And of course: a thorough and reasonable explanation as to why and/or how Nico and Will bump into Jason.
Do they see him in Tartarus? Then why is Jason in Tartarus when he's died as a hero? How he's coping?
Do they meet him in Elysium? Why does Nico (and Will) come to Elysium in the first place? What does their encounter bring? Does Jason help with the quest?
In short: I'm more of a go-with-the-flow type of writer. Generally, I have no problem if things are set the way they should be and the plot doesn't just. kick its own balls I guess. If Rick can make it make sense and stay away from the cliché, I'm sure everything would be just peachy.
#nico di angelo#pjo#hoo#toa#yone rambling#percy jackson and the olympians#heroes of olympus#trials of apollo#jason grace#will solace#tartarus (pjo)#the sun and the star: a nico di angelo adventure#tsats#the sun and the star#tsats predictions
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