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numberonetastemakerwhispers · 4 months

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Lustful Desires

Miguel O'hara series...

Pairing: !pornstarmiguel x !smallcampaignreader

TW: NSFW BELOW CUT ✂️

Miguel o'hara. Known for his work and videos online through his years of working as a pornstar. Hes only posted little to few videos, but the outcome of them all were beautiful.

You had found him after scrolling through some videos on your browser, the title reading 'Lust and Fuck'. You pressed it reluctantly, expecting something boring than what the title was. Instead you were greeted with a muscular tanned man. Your eyes following how his muscles flexed, the way his lips curled up as he smirked. Shit he was hot.

And god you swore you almost came at the sight unraveling. (You did) The end where he was grunting loudly as his hips moved sloppily to where he finally came.

Your hands seemingly moving on their own as they dipped down to your panties, rubbing slow circles on your clit, making you shudder. (rewatching the video, hehe)

You watched the rest of his videos, cumming almost twice as much as you usually have in months. All being breath taking and exhausting as your hand cramped from chasing your high each time.

You were also a pornstar, but not on his level. You usually did solo videos, wearing pretty lacy lingerie, indulging yourself with your sways and swoons as you unraveled yourself for the camera. Maybe even fucking yourself silly with whatever toys you had, having you moaning like a slutty bitch. Your neighbors probably have heard.

Although you did solo, you did take some requests on considering to work with others, maybe those who also did solo, or more experience but god you weren't expecting the email you were just about to get sent...

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Few hours go by as you were getting settled in your bed, getting ready to knock out when your phone suddenly buzzed. You thought it was from one of your managers, maybe even a notifiction from one of those thristy men on your porn site. You were oh, so wrong, looking at your phone as you gasped. Your eyes scanning the name from whom the email was from before opening it. Miguel O'hara.

You thought you must have been dreaming? The one and only? It couldn't have been! But you read the message over and over and that you almost peed your pants! (or maybe you did. jk)

The message was mind blowing to you, but still it was unexpected.

' Subject: Request ...

Hello preciosa, Ive seen your works and I must say you are a sight for sore eyes...

I was wondering if you would love to work with me in one of my own?

Miguel O'Hara.

You squealed as your fingers starting typing faster than your brain could process, having to delete then reform your words as you typed back.

'Subject: yes please!

Ive seen your works as well! I'm quite a fan

... and i would love to work with you. We'll work things out with our managers yea?

Y/N.

You sounded almost too excited. Desperate even. But who wouldnt be? When a well known pornstar like Miguel who blessed with a body of a goddess? You thought you had been blessed by the gods, or cursed even. Since you couldn't sleep a wink after that email.

6:00 AM

Your alarm had went off on your phone. Grumbling and groggy from your restless sleep as you turned it off, wiping your eyes and the puddle of drool that had been growing from your slumber, as you checked your phone. Another email!

You tapped it as you read it over, your body feeling fully awake now at the message.

Subject: Plan

'Alo, carino you sound excited.. tomorrow at 2 pm at ******.'

Miguel O'Hara.

It was short. It spoke truth. it was TOMORROW?! You had thought that a meeting would take a few days even a week but it was happening tomorrow! You felt your cheeks flood with redness as your buried you face in your hands.

What was the theme going to be? Did you have to bring your own clothes of choice? Was the fact meeting him face to face might actually give you a heart attack? Would he even like how you look in person? Would it give him a heart attack?!

Gosh you decided to calm yourself down, seeing how overwhelmed you were getting over a email. You took a deep breath and started typing a reply back.

'Subject: Plan

Im a little excited.. more nervous tho. Ill be there tomorrow!'

Y/N.

You sighed as you hoped the day would go by slowly, letting the time for you to consume your inner thoughts and the need to be settled down. You got up and went on with your day. (with the thought of miguel lingering)

It was almost 10 as you settled in your comforters after a nice long shower, finishing and editing a draft of yourself up to your site as you yawned exhaustly, ready to knock out. The thought of meeting up with him roamed your mind, making you jitter with anticipation and anxiousness. You pushed those thoughts aside, ready to get back to them when you wake up.

You groaned. you couldn't even sleep at all. Only finally falling asleep around 4 in the morning, scrolling through pages and posts to help you fall asleep faster, to no surprise it brought you hell.

It was 10 AM, your meet up was in 4 hours, but you'd be heading there an hour early since the place was pretty far from where you lived.

You called your manager, making sure everything was still in order (it was) as you were up and getting ready. It was scary really, as you did your best to find what would be most appropriate to wear and what wouldn't be.

You decided for a skim black skirt, white sweater with a pink vest over it. Your hair blow, starting your makeup after showering and doing your daily skincare.

You had lipgloss and mascara, a little blush from here to there and that signature mole on your right cheek. You made sure you looked decent as you did last minute sprints of perfume before you trampled out your apartment.

Rushing down your apartment stairs, as you hopped into your Toyota that you had bought off an auction for half the price, starting it up as you finally hit the road, ready for the day to unravel.

You made it, but 30 minutes late. Blaming the traffic that went on your hour early drive over. Always traffic...

You had found yourself talking with your manager along the way, him scolding you back and forth about being late, as you just huffed but apologized. You were lead into a room with lights and cameras scattered around the room, an area in the middle where it must have been where you were going to perform the scene with Miguel. It was all mind blowing, even more when you laid your eyes on him.

He was way more attractive in person, his smile flooding the room. The way his shoulders flexed with every movement, the way he slicked his hair back to not let any piece fall on his forehead. He was a man who would be seen as a piece from a museum you thought to yourself.

You had caught yourself staring that sent you straight back to reality. He was looking straight back at you, with a smirk that was seen clear for days. It had your cheeks flushed and your manager still fussing on how you weren't paying attention to his lecture.

It didn't matter after you and miguel had walked up to eachother greeting eachother and eachothers managers. You smiled sheepishly as he smiled back as well.

"Alo preciosa.." He said, his voice sounded rough and smooth a hint of a grunt being heard.

"Hey.." you said your voice almost a squeak from how shy you were. You earned a chuckled from him as he took your hand in his as he gave it a firm squeeze, placing a kiss on the back of your palm.

"No need to be shy carino, since we're working with eachother today." He reassured, which made not only your heart flutter but your other heart beat with need. (oopsies)

You nodded as you chuckled to yourself, looking up into his coffee brown eyes, his fangs poking out as he smirked at you.

"Okay ill try... but don't be disappointed when I do." You said softly as your managers starting discussing on the scene and prepping the platforms, choice of clothing and need of materials.

It was all so new to you, to be working in an actual studio, and it was a big bump to your campaign seeing as you were only just a small creator. Although you knew this would be a huge raise for not only you, but your campaign as well.

When you were pulled to the dressing room you had seen scatters of different clothing presented before you, making you awe and oh at such selection.

Although it all seemed appropriate for the scene you had to display with Miguel. The scene of which 2 lovers coming out of an argument, which turned to hot angry sex.

Something new to you and a jump to what you expected. Thought of maybe slow sensational romance, him coming home as you both held onto one another but instead happened to be this..

After roaming through your selection of clothing, you decided to go for a simple 'at home' look. Silk shorts that clung onto your thighs nicely, and a matching silk tanktop (sleep wear). You finished by getting prepped and sprayed down after having your makeover, mascara and eye liner, lip gloss and instead of your signature mark they decided for you not to wear it.

You made your way out the changing room as your eyes caught onto the tall burly man who wore a black t-shirt that strained against his chest, making it hard for your gaze to be pulled away. He wore grey sweats, clinging onto his musclar thighs just right, showing the plump of his ass which had you blushing like a fool.

He saw you, maybe even you staring at him in such a way, as he made his way over.

"mi nína... estás preciosa..." (my girl...your beautiful...) He murmured, his gaze traveling down the outfit you wore just for the show, for him specifically. You smiled softly as you didn't understand his spanish, which made it awkward but fun.

"What are you saying?" You giggled, looking up at him with those doe eyes of yours, the feeling of staring into his seemingly felt like you were being lured in.

"nothing to worry about." He smirked as he took your hand in his, his own making yours looked drawf compared to him. You felt jittery and vulnerable, letting him drag you along as you both got on set. You take a deep breath, feeling rather tense. Miguel seemed to noticed as his hand rubbed slow circles on the small of your back.

"shh..No te pongas nervioso, te tengo amor." (dont be nervous, i got you love.) He reassured looking down at you with comfort and ease in his eyes, your body seemed more at ease as you smiled up at him.

Although you didn't know what he was saying but you knew it probably meant something sweet.

"SCENE STARTS IN 3..." The manager yelled from the back, you being in the kitchen as he just got back home from the pub, really to you it seemed like a toxic plot, but with miguel he seemed so sweet and reassuring, that you didn't seem to care for the plot.

"2..1 ACTION!" Your manager yelled as cameras were turned on, lights making sure they luminated the right places, as miguel walked into the door of your home.

"Hola hermosa, ¿qué estás haciendo?" (hey beautiful, what are you doing?") He asked, his arms raveling around your waist, pulling you close as you nudged him aside.

Although you didn't know what he was saying, reading your scripts and having to scan it a million times put ideas in what it might be.

"Don't hey beautiful me." You mumbled, nudging him away as you avoided looking up at him. His eyes were analyzing your reaction and movements.

He scoffed as he shook his head, rubbing the bridge of his nose as he tried to approach you once more.

"Hey.. whats the matter with you?" He said, his accent weighing heavy on his words. His eyes demanded to look at yours, as he grasped your chin, forcing you to look up at him.

You furrowed your brows, huffing as you were forced to stare into such dangerous eyes, ones that made you dizzy and undone if stared into too long.

"Let go of me, you reek of alcohol." You said, slapping his hand away as you walked it off. But not without him swooping you against the wall, his gaze was sharp, a low growl heard from him.

"¿Con quién crees que estás hablando? You know better.." (who are you talking to like that?) He said in a firm tone, his face getting closer to yours, the feeling on his breath fanning against your lips.

Your lips quivered, his thumb brushing over them as his gaze dropped to your lips.

"cariño, dime, ¿por qué estás molesta?" (baby, tell me why your upset?) He sighed, letting his grip falter as he pulled you close, hands grazing down your body as he squeezed at the plump of your ass, making you squeak.

You'd almost forgotten that this was all for show, all for a video to publish, as you got lost in the thought of acting appropriately.

"Your always out, i..didn't have the best day today, thinking if I-"

"Took your anger out on me would help?" He finished your sentence, as you nodded sheepishly.

He chuckled as he pulled you closer, pinning you against the wall as he pressed a kiss on your temple, another to your cheek before whispering against your ear.

"Meaning it would help by getting me all riled up till we ended up hate fucking?.." He chuckled as he lowered his head, pressing kisses on your neck, making you moan out as you nodded.

He clicked his tongue in disapproval.

"Words hermoso , use your words." He hushed against your neck, biting at the nape softly, leaving a mark as he licked it afterwards, soothing the sting.

"yes.. yes i did.. bu-"

"but what? wanted me to lose my patience with you? wanted me to fuck you mercilessly? till you cant breath, till you cant think straight?" he clicked his tongue again, making you gulp back the guilt.

"Qué desastre para mí, cariño, un pequeño desastre, a slutty whore for me yea?" (such a mess for me baby, a pretty little mess) He chuckled, making your face go red as he picked you up, pressing his lips against yours as you both savored each other. His hands holding you firmly against the wall, your legs wrapping around his waist for support as you felt his bulge against your stomach.

You gulped at the size, it felt huge. Girthy even. He noticed by your face, whispering something against your ear, quiet enough for the cameras not to hear.

"Gonna ruin you sweetheart." He whispered. He pressed a kiss on your temple before wrapping his lips around yours, letting his tongue explore. His hands worked on your body, groping the flesh of your hips, traveling up to squeeze and tease at your breast, making your back want to arch off the cold walls.

His weight pinned against you, making no effort of escape possible as you moaned out his name, trying to hide your face into the nape of his neck before one of the managers yelled.

"DONT HIDE YOUR FACE." Your manager yelled leaving you pouting as you brought your face back up. Miguel's eyes gazing into yours as he smirked, before running his hands under your tanktop, flicking and pinching at your breast as you whined against him. The feeling of his hips trying to find relief only adding on to your pleasure.

He peppered you with kisses, biting and sucking marks all over your chest mumbling 'mine' and 'who do you belong to hermoso?' here to there, not that you noticed, already being lost in the feeling of him slow burning your need for him.

He stopped, making you whine as he smirked momentarily.

"Got to fuck you properly." He growled, as he brought you back into his arms, carrying you to the bedroom, as he threw you down onto the bed. Your body plopping into the soft mattress before his weight towered over you.

"shh.. quiet don't want to wake the neighors." He teased, before going back to kissing you until his lips left yours, as they traveled down your body, biting and sucking at at soft flesh. His hands soothed the sting that brought from the bites, the pain only making it better.

He finally slid down your shorts, revealing the heat growing between your legs as he groaned at the sight.

"joder..toda mojada y bonita para mi ... all for me." (fuck... all wet and pretty for me) he growled as he dove right into your wet heat, lapping at the nub of nerves making you quiver, your thighs tightening against his head. His large burly hands wrapping around your thighs, pulling them apart as he started fucking you with his tongue, making you moan like you haven't before.

"M-miguel plea-"

"Shut up.. you wanted me to fuck you right? Fuck you the way I wanted? Then let me do it properly you greedy slut." You whined. His words degrading you making you nod obediently. He then slowly teased the entrance of your cunt, before shoving them right in, curling them right right.

You gasped as he started thrusting them into you roughly, curling his fingers at that one spot that made you come undone. You felt like you saw stars with how far your eyes rolled back.

You panted heavily, you were close. The feeling of him sucking at your clit with his fingers stretching you out was all too much. He must have sensed it, pulling his fingers out your needy cunt, licking one long line against your puffy clit. He pressed an open mouthed kiss against your clit before sitting up.

"Taste so good precioso" He groaned before unbuckling his belt, your eyes wavering over as he patted the spot infront of him, making you get up, crawling over to him.

He pulled his cock out, groaning as he pumped it a few times before instructing you to open your mouth, his tip leaking with precum. He had to be atleast 8 or 9 inches, girth making it seem abnormal from how large it was.

The cameras came closer to the scene as they made sure to catch your face, not missing a single shot of it as he slapped his cock against your tongue, throwing his head back with ease. His hands bunching up your hair into his fist before pushing your head down, not letting you breathe from how far he pushed his cock into your throat. You gagged and drooled, his hips fucking his way into your throat as he cursed at how tight it was.

"Fuck.. baby relax your throat f'me.." He groaned. As you did your best, allowing him to use you as if you were some type of sexy toy, his sex toy. He rutted himself into your throat, loving the way tears trickled down your face, mascara running down your teary eyes as your flushed cheeks brought a primal part of him out.

He pulled out as you gasped for air, his hands manhandling you effortlessly, throwing you onto your stomach as he pushed your back down, your ass up on display for him as he slapped it, leaving a light sting and a imprint of his hand.

"Qué hermosa... eres jodidamente hermosa." (your beauitful, fucking beauitful) He awed at how his hands left beauitful marks on your flesh, before soothing it over with his hand, before placing his hands on your hips, as he alligned himself.

"W-wait miguel let me-"

Before you could even speak he already slammed his hips against yours, shoving all 9 inches of himself into your tight wrath as he let out a breathless curse. Your eyes rolling so far back into your head you couldn't even remember if cameras were still filming or not. Nonetheless if you were even on stage or at home experiencing this.

"What were you saying? Can't hear with you

cryinf and moaning bonito.. All pretty and displayed for my cock." He grinned as he started thrusting into you, slamming into you faster but with long rough deep strokes that hit against your cervix, making you go numb.

Cameras came close, ones filming the way he was fucking you recklessly while other on your fucked out expression. Your makeup all ruined, tears prickling down your eyes at how overwhelmingly good you felt. You moaned like a bitch in heat, the way he groped at your breast, pinching the sore parts of them making you whine and cry out in pleasure as he fucked you mad.

His low grunts and groan, the breathless curses he let out as he slapped your ass, making it all red and achey before you finally felt your climax building, throwing yourself back against him as he growled at the feeling, slapping your ass roughly, pulling mewls and gasps out of you.

"Gonna cum for me? Gonna cum all over my cock baby?" He cooed, slapping your ass over and over till it was a deep shade of red. His groans growing more desperate as his hips slammed into you sloppily, showing how close he was.

"Cum with me.. cum with me mi precioso" he panted, leaning down to press soft kisses along your spine, as he slammed into you once more, shooting his ropes of cum inside you, fucking it back into you to keep you nice and full. You rode your high, his hips grinding into you slowly helping you out tremendously. As you fell against the bed limp, exhausted and fucked out as he chuckled, pulling out slowly as his cum drooled out your hole, the camera making sure to catch the sight.

He leaned over, pressing kisses on your temple, over your cheeks, and the nape of your neck all the way down your back.

"You alright mi amor?" He asked softly, his voice the sound of gravel and softness as all you did was nod numbly, trying to present a smile.

The scene was done and you both got cleaned up, refreshed and back into your normal clothes. You whined at how sore your cunt felt, maybe he did go a little too rough, not that you cared atleast. You had marks littered all over you, from bitemarks, to hickeys, scattered everywhere making you huff at the sight.

You finally met with eachothers managers, both seeing eachother once more before he brought his hand to hold yours, pressing a kiss to the back on your hand.

"Pleasure working with you hermoso..." He grinned, standing back up at his full height.

"Pleasures all mine, I hope the video came out as you liked." You smiled up at him, the feeling of pride filling your senses.

"Might be my favorite tape..." He chuckled, seeing the way it made you all flustered.

"Here.. before we part ways." He pulled out a piece of paper, placing it in your vest pocket as he gave you a playful wink before waving goodbye, which made you confused, excited, and sad.

As he left you pulled the note out of your vest, the feeling of adrenaline rushing through your veins as you read.

'mi amor ... here is my number .

(***) *** ****, for when you want to talk or work once more. don't be shy to call mi amor.'

Miguel .

Your heart felt as if it pounced out your chest, the feeling of getting his number was all you needed to be able to expect further things in the future. But for what you knew, you were definitely going to leave a little message in his inbox.

* End *

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(This is my first publish of thought! Sorry if theres any miss spells or grammer issues-- scanned through it so many times and still struggling.

Hope you enjoy!)

#!pornstarmiguelohara #smallcampaignreader #lustful duties #miguel ohara smut #miguel o'hara #spiderverse smut

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sarcastictissy · 27 days

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Hola :D I just wanted to thank you for being so positive lately and looking at things regarding the qstudio situation with nuance. It feels like people have been so stressed and angry after all of the admin stuff came that they began to take every bit of news we hear as some sign that bad things are to come . I think a lot of people underestimated just how long this process can take, there a lot of factors to be considered here, including: q's lack of experience, the union, the laws, the admins. And unfortunately there is no way to satisfy everyone when it comes to stuff like this. This was never going to take a week or two, I feel like people didn't fully understand that.

Some admins are going to be pushed out of the project due to the lack of funds and the fact that this is a legal issue first and for most. It's unfair but it's the law. Not everyone understands that and because of that people are going to say things without understanding the situation. Not every thing is black and white and sometimes things aren't going to work out the way we want them to. Nobody is perfect and we shouldn't expect people involved in this situation to act like that. Which is why you should always look at the situation from multiple perspectives before forming an opinion.

It makes me feel tired to see the same takes over and over agian with no nuance. So your post have really helped me feel better :) I've seen people from both qsmpblr and qsmptwt act like every ccs involved in this is a war criminal or like this is a admins vs quackity or french/brazil vs quackity. It's kinda drove me off most social sites and forced me to only watch YouTube and stuff (on the good side of things, I've been watching quackity's discord videos and some dsmp vods :D it's been fun)

What I am trying to say is that, scrolling through your blog feels like a breath of fresh air and has made me feel 8× more calm about this situation. I don't think doomposting is necessarily bad but after seeing so much of it, sometimes you just need to distance yourself and look at the good parts of life. No matter how much I complain, I am never changing the course that qstudio is headed and neither can any one else, The only one who can do that is quackity. I hope that he does the right thing and the studio gets better. I love the characters that qsmp has brought us and the community it has formed, qsmp is a beautiful project that I want to see thrive. For now the only thing I can do as a viewer is hope for the best <3

I'm sorry if this came off as a trauma dump, I just really wanted to thank you.

So, this has been in my askbox for a while because I was so grateful and happy to hear I've helped someone!! Thank you sm anon that means a lot to me and knowing I'm keeping others optimistic, helps me feel optimistic too! :D

This is a very complex situation with so many moral grey areas mixed with black and white. It's not simple, it's not easy. These things cannot be fixed in a matter of weeks, you're absolutely right about that.

I also agree doomposting isn't necessarily bad! It's a good way to get off some steam and vent/ rant for a bit. There's nothing wrong with that. We all need it at times. For me, personally, it becomes toxic when that's ALL I'm seeing in social media. When I go on my phone and all I see is negativity, that's when I need to call it quits and start blocking people or start taking time away (which is why I deleted twt off my phone) everyone's tolerance levels are different ofc, so, not everyone is affected by that negativity, but I certainly was. This is why I want my blog to be positive and uplifting and you know what? Each and every time I get a ask or a message thanking me for that, I gain faith in humanity and it just encourages me to keep being positive! I'm so thankful for your ask and dw it wasn't trauma dumping at all!! :D I hope you're doing well anon! Take care of yourself. You matter

#qsmp #quackity smp #qsmp discourse #qadmin situation #tissy answers #thank you for your ask!

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weirdmageddon · 8 months

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can someone explain what “weed paranoia” is?

ive never experienced it, all i experience is like….relaxation, monotropic autism flow state, calms me down enough to not get overstimulated by my own thoughts (i feel more at ease with my thoughts coming and going, i kinda go into free flow thought tunnels without getting hung up or ever spiraling. in fact, the opposite, where it’s like a “catch and release” sort of experience to train of thought most of the time. i mean i’ll still definitely hyperfocusing on something which you could consider getting “hung up” on but thats just normal autism stuff and i feel like i can mine for more deeper insight riches in those hyperfixation tunnels when high.

it also definitely helps me unmask. like my mask is sort of built into my core personality and “self” but i find it hard if not impossible to shut off even when im alone because ive internalized the external social sphere. but THC (i should note im taking Δ9) like…. takes the edge off, and i feel less conflicted about my thoughts? like i’m more confident in getting my thoughts out there without worrying about people judging me for how i phrase things or how hyperspecific im being to my own interests. i feel like i dont have to water things down as much because i dont feel as threatened by judgment externally, and in turn internally

i looked up my question about what “weed paranoia” feels like on reddit and the common answers ive seen were:

generalized anxiety

“everyone knows” / you feel like people are watching or judging you and that youre gonna be in trouble

“You’re very aware of your own actions and existence, and assume everyone else is also.”

heightened self-reflection (for some people this freaks them out??) because different perspective

more vulnerable

but i’m not satisfied with these answers??

i want to know if people who get paranoid have these traits while sober/before getting high. like, is it just non-introspective people getting freaked out because they’re considering their own actions/thoughts and existence? or do introspective people who are used to metacognition also getting freaked out?

are people afraid of confronting their weaknesses that weed makes them aware of? are people who normally hide from truths more likely to get paranoid?

ok so i can only fully know my own mind; that is my reality. i have a habit of assuming people more or less share the same phenomenological experiences in their minds, but since i’m autistic i’ve had to expand this boundary over and over continually reconciling with way more diverging phenomenological experiences than i thought.

so i normally i have thoughts about my own thoughts pretty much at least five times every hour, every single day of the week. i do not experience is not a bad thing, it’s a neutral and even good thing. i think i am insightful by nature and always have been, ive been described as such. i don’t know how normal this is for the average person. weed does enhance these metacognitive thoughts i have to an even higher level, and i feel very, very pulled towards them in a good, flow state way. ive also been told my guarded chilly heart melts a bit and i become more open/vulnerable while stoned but that’s because i don’t feel as vulnerable as i normally do. so i dont hide or clam up as much away from psychological openness or whatever exact shit enneagram type 5 is on

but anyway even without weed i normally feel “outside” of my own thoughts, always judging them from a third person perspective, or even multiple third person perspectives through reframing. so i dont feel like i have a defined or clearly illuminated sense of self. i’m not trying to really “find myself” so much as uncover it. like, it’s definitely there to begin with i can feel its presence, but the specifics are obscured and i’m trying to bring them to light. i automatically isolate logical components from emotional components into their own boxes and rarely acknowledge the emotional box because it’s unhelpful in more circumstances than not so it’s all a pretty clinical process when i make sense of things

because i can do this i’m never afraid of the truth; in fact i actively go in search of it and honestly it feels like THC helps me achieve that on MYSELF and it makes me very satisfied

i also don’t know if what i said is normal. am i comfortable with truths and facing them to an unusual degree over most people, or about the same as them?

i saw this comment and it’s like….. that makes sense with disinhibition of the frontal cortex. i think way too much about the rhetoric and kairos of how im communicating information to others normally, but with these consciously overthinking circuits driving and modifying my social thoughts and behaviors being turned down while stoned, i find i dont care as much. it’s like my conscious autism masking is peeled away, so i feel more content while stoned. and it also makes me more open as a result.

like i said, “i feel more at ease with my thoughts coming and going, i kinda go into free flow thought tunnels without getting hung up or ever spiraling” which is how this guy is describing “going with the flow”

the takeaway is i dont have a negative reaction to when i realize unpleasant things about myself while high. it’s just this neutral acknowledgement. this even goes for physical things that usually tip people off like their heart rate being “too fast” while high. i do perceive it also but theres like no anxiety with it, again just neutral observation and acknowledgement

basically im Actively looking for this

so some questions:

can someone explain what “weed paranoia” is like, taking into account the gist of what ive said? if you experience it do you have any insight into why it happens? does anything ive said have to do with it? do you already have neurotic tendencies (low resistance to stress)?

what does my experience while high + my normal thought processes as ive described them say or imply about me?

why am i experiencing pretty much the polar opposite of the way weed paranoid people are describing anxiety of being judged? or like the thing about my feelings of vulnerability?

am i more comfortable with truths and facing them to an unusual degree than most people, or am i actually about the same as them? am i more introspective/metacognitive than most people, or am i actually about the same as them?

if people who ARE already introspective get high and feel paranoid, why would that happen—wouldnt they be used to uncovering things about themselves? are there other reasons? does one’s sentiment to oneself play into it? neurotic traits?

oomf said “your high is always driven by how capable you are of passively defusing triggers for a bad trip”. the explanation for how well people tolerate THC ive gravitated towards outside of genetics (since my mom doesnt tolerate thc well but i do) is ability to deflect stressful thoughts, or how impacted you are by stressful thoughts in the first place. is this anything?

i hope im describing these things adequately so i can get the answers im looking for lol. please tell me if any of this means anything to you or if its just words

EDIT:

^ to me everything is great and feels significant, but is that because the things that feel significant are themselves good? if weed makes stuff seem more significant (too much dopamine weighs negative inputs too highly), that means it amplifies what’s already there (while also amplifying “noise”). so that tells us about the nature of what is already there in the mind’s contents, then?

so again, question 2: what does my experience while high + my normal thought processes as ive described them say or imply about me?

#stoner posting

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idyllic-affections · 10 months

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migraine comfort ft. kaveh & baizhu

summary. how do kaveh and baizhu comfort a friend with migraines?

trigger & content warnings. depictions of headaches, migraines, and general imagery of being in pain, as well as descriptions of medication and brief mentions of pills.

tropes, pairings, fic length, & other notes. fluff, comfort. kaveh & reader, baizhu & reader. 0.5k words. no pronouns for reader.

author's thoughts. i have a headache like at least once every other day and every now and then i am cursed with a skull-splitting migraine that makes me irrationally angry because i'm sensitive to absolutely everything and am in pain. it is not a fun experience! so i wrote this with my two beloveds.... also slightly inspired by june's kaveh x disabled/chronically ill reader fic <3 also another filler post! my requests have been considerably long recently. there's nothing wrong with that! i adore long requests! it just means they'll take a bit longer to come out because you guys give me really good, detailed material to work with 💕

kaveh, who frantically does what he can to ease your pain and baizhu, who's much more calm and articulate in his treatment of your pain.

kaveh genuinely, wholeheartedly hates seeing you in pain. it makes him feel so unbelievably helpless, knowing that he can only really do so much to make you more comfortable, but he's not really thinking much about himself in the moments that you're feeling bad. he may be feeling a little helpless, but he can't imagine how you must feel. frustrated, he'd guess, considering how your head seems to hurt more often than not. he can only imagine how irritating it must be. he's immediately got all the curtains shut tight and all the lights dimmed if you happen to be sensitive to the brightness and he WILL make it so that there is as little loud noise as possible if you're sensitive to that. absolutely no-one is allowed to be loud in your general vicinity when you're feeling unwell. he will gladly tell just about anyone off in your defense. if you find yourself completely incapacitated by your pain, he will get your meds for you. also your meals; he would be glad to prepare them for you. anything you need. water? he's on it, just stay there. also maybe this is just me, but i seriously sometimes just want a hug when my head hurts. kaveh would totally give you all the hugs you want. i just know that being in his arms would be so warm and comforting.

baizhu also hates seeing you in such pain, but he does understand on a more personal level than kaveh. he knows what it's like; he himself is more often in pain than not, so he has the capacity to be not just sympathetic but also empathetic to your situation. he'll hand-craft medication specifically for you and your needs based on your individual symptoms, taking into account any allergies you might have and also considering if you would prefer liquid, pills, or another form of meds entirely <3 he does his best to accommodate for your personal preferences. everything he does for you is very gentle and careful. also if you're irritable, he gets it. you're in pain. you have every right to be angry, to be quite honest. like kaveh, he'll totally do whatever he can to minimize uncomfortable sensory input. it's too bright? don't worry, he'll close the blinds and curtains for you. someone's being a little too loud and it's making your head hurt more? no, no, stay put. he'll handle it. overall i think he's very doting, but in a more professional way than kaveh is! he dotes on you and you can just tell that he's a doctor because of the way he so skillfully monitors your symptoms. he uses his expertise to make it so that you experience as little pain and discomfort as possible. he'll also give you general advice on how to manage migraines in the future, especially for a situation where he happens to be unavailable for any reason—sometimes he might be unable to help because of his own bodily condition. nonetheless, he does what he can.

overall, both kaveh and baizhu are very lovely and doting and will do everything they can to help you out <3

please consider reblogging, it helps me out quite a lot!

#aphelion brainrots 🌸#favoniuslibrary #astronetwrk #platonic genshin x reader #platonic genshin impact #platonic genshin impact x reader #genshin x reader #genshin impact x reader #platonic kaveh x reader #kaveh x reader #platonic baizhu x reader #baizhu x reader

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doodlegraveyard · 5 months

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I also wanted to know how you felt about the pixies and if you were going to use them in your au

@seth-the-whalelord you are two for two on 'asking very simple questions that send me into a brain spiral' lol thank you this is. actually very useful for getting me to figure this stuff out. This is what i've gotten to write thru on my lunch break.

So! Pixies.

Once again I have no idea if I’m about to spout an Unpopular Opinion or not but…..I don’t like…..little, ‘Mascot’ characters. And I tend not to like the Pixies. Theyre trying Too Hard to be Beloved and it CAN be pulled off..........but I’m sorry I can’t stand their shrill little voices………………

I GET that it’s a kids show and you want little critters to appeal to little kids and sell toys of but like… the cast of Winx is HUGE and bloated at a baseline?? Like the Winx and Specialists by themselves are already so much to deal with. I will say upon rewatch, the Pixies are definitely better than like, any of the other little critters they add in later seasons. There are definitely episodes where the pixies Work and aren't completely overwhelming, and they're liked enough to be worth keeping, conceptually.

I like the idea of the pixies being plot relevant to the fairies development, and I actually have been thinking about explicitly tying them to charmix (or, idk if I’m keeping the concept of Charmix entirely intact because its BARELY a form. But i guess it can remain as a concept, and as a stepping stone to leveling up a fairy has to get her pixie/charmix (so its a standard step not just something the Winx girls have)

I really like how Amore and Chatta specifically contrast Stella/Flora’s respective personalities, because it brings to mind to me that charmix is supposed to be about overcoming some personal fear or weakness/character flaw, it makes sense to me to tie them together.

THAT SAID some of the pixie/fairy relationships are stronger than others.

Lockette’s theming as Pixie of Portals/a wayfinder can be styled as helping Bloom who is currently feeling ‘lost’ in an unfamiliar world, help her navigate both herself learning about and her newly discovered backstory/identity. I think that pretty much works: Lockette encourages Bloom to find the truth even if she’s kind of afraid to/ has been avoiding it. Amore’s calm peacekeeper demeanor definitely helps to temper Stella, and I feel like she could help deal with issues of not just romantic love but her relationships with her friends and her parents. I think Stella is full of love and affection, but doesn’t always show it / in the most considerate way.

Chatta forcing Flora to talk to Helia about her feelings is a pretty good example of what she brings to the table there, though I never want it to be just flattened to Flora’s romantic subplot - Flora could do with speaking up more in general! Have her forced to intercede in a friend conflict or assert herself when previously she was just letting the group overrule her!

Piff. I am conflicted about. Because like… she’s just a fuckin’ baby. there's a limited amount of personality there. She's sleepy. She's baby. I guess I think it’s cute that she helps Aisha with her bad dreams. I knee-jerk wondered if it was in bad taste to ‘mom-ify’ Aisha by giving her effectively a baby to care for but it really doesn’t read like that too much because Aisha is arguably one of the best-written and most complex of the girls. Piff could play a dual role - as someone Aisha has to stand up for and be brave for, but also a manifestation of childish wonder, to push Aisha to enjoy things she maybe didn’t have the opportunity to experience as a kid.

Tune is where it starts to lose me. I get it, Musa is tomboyish and brash and Tune is about manners but that really doesn’t feel as…important a problem to deal with? I feel like it may be a thing where Musa has to like… repair difficult relationships she has that are made rockier by how quick she is to argue, or maybe take responsibility for mistakes - like a formal apology and maturely talking about things rather than being avoidant? I’m not sure it’s best styled as ‘Etiquette’ if that’s the case. I’m taking suggestions on this one idk.

Aaaaaand they didn’t even try with Digit. She’s just a Flanderized version of Tecna. It doesn’t feel like she contrasts or challenges Tecna’s personality in any interesting way...Idk I kind of feel like she has to be changed whole cloth?

I know they replaced Tune and Digit but I’m not as familiar with Cherie or Caramel. I might look into whether their concepts work better for Musa and Tecna character arcs as they are currently swirling around in my head. What's the general consensus on those two?

My design thoughts are. I want to make the pixies much more…. Abstract I guess? What if they’re not their own species as much as concentrated sparks of magic - Fairies generate a lot of excess magic, hence ‘their pixie’ is actually a part of them - a little external manifestation of their magic fissured off my whatever internal conflicts or unaddressed needs they have, and resolving that allows them to re fuse with the Fairy? (Bonus: pixies are only around when relevant and I can poof them away when I don’t want them in a scene lol)

#winx club reboot #winx club #winx #winx pixies #winx club rewrite

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breelandwalker · 11 months

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hello! I am very new to witchcraft and your blog has been very helpful to me as someone who does not have anyone i know to look to in real life :)

I have a question, is it okay to just,,, try things out in your craft sometimes because they make sense to you or it feels right? i dont mean saying that this herb means this because i say so, but like lighting a certain type of incense while you do spells not because its supposed to help with the intention but because it calms you. Today I enchanted a necklace for the first time after doing research and reading a lot about what other people do in their craft and did just that along with lighting some candles and opening windows despite no one mentioning that. i know this example is small, but there are a lot of things that i want to do because they make sense to me, but at the same time I don't want to make things up. i see people saying that its about intention and good to write your own spells and all that, but is that something i should be doing when im new to witchcraft? it's just really hard to tell if I'm doing things right sometimes.

sorry for such the long ask, thank you for your helpful posts :)

This is a good question and a good object lesson.

When you're first starting out with witchcraft, and even later as you go on, there are plenty of pre-written spells to try out and lots of correspondences to learn and tips to follow. However, it's important to remember that your craft is still your own. It's not going to be an exact match to anyone else's, and that includes using things in ways that make sense to you but may not match generally agreed-upon usage or correspondences.

This isn't to say that we should ignore common sense or cultural boundaries or safety measures, of course. (And good on you for including that from the start.) But part of learning magic and developing your craft is figuring out what works for you and what doesn't. Sometimes that means adapting a spell you found online or in a book to suit your needs and purpose. Sometimes it means using unconventional materials or using different correspondences than you'll find in a volume of Cunningham.

It may also mean creating your own spells, which is a fantastic exercise that I recommend to any witch of any experience level, including complete beginners. Even if they're clunky, even if they don't work, even you just write them as a creative exercise and never cast them, spellwriting is a great way to learn how magic works and how magical workings are put together.

It's not so much a matter of doing things the right way or the correct way as finding out how and why things are done at all, and from there, deciding which bits you want to do and what you're good at. So unless you're part of a dedicated tradition that has Rules about how these things should be done and is giving you formal instruction on the process, experimentation and experience are going to a big part of your education.

Dabbling is encouraged. Test things out to see what fits. If it works and you like it, learn more. If not, there's always another topic to explore. Making things up, testing theories, and seeing if they work a time-honored part of Finding Shit Out.

We don't learn to paint by expecting to produce a masterpiece overnight. Sketch. Practice. Make a mess. Try again. Find your style and don't worry about how it looks to someone else. The only person you have to impress is yourself.

I'm glad the blog is helping. Hopefully it will continue to do so. If you have more questions, my inbox is always open.

Best of luck to you, witchling!

#localwitchling #witch community #witchcraft #baby witch #witchblr #Advice for Beginner Witches #Bree answers your inquiries

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malicious-vampire · 3 months

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(Since Tumblr decided to make it impossible to edit an ask that's been saved as a draft, I'm forced to cite it here)

@schizocadaver asked:

"I'll place this as an ask rather than just going straight into messaging you as it feels most correct to me. I've been suspecting for a while that I might have szpd and possibly npd so I was wondering if you might be able to share on your experience of having both and what that's like"

Hello and thanks for the ask! This is a lot since these PDs affect my whole life in various aspects, so I'll try to break it down to the most obvious things, or those that I deem most important. NPD and SZPD complement one another quite well, though there are also some huge difficulties.

For a start, I take incredible pride in my solitude. I prefer spending my time alone and turn to activities I can do on my own, because I hold the core belief that most other people are beneath me and not worth my time or energy. It's also a lot easier to feel godlike and untouchable when you're not perveived by anyone other than yourself - which can also become a problem once I go outside and have to deal with the fact that I can make mistakes and that other people will take notice of that.

I'm a misanthrope and I don't trust anyone. While I do have a few close friends who I care about, I cannot spend more than a few hours at once with them or I'll get annoyed by their presence. Strangers usually disgust me, so it's hard to make any new acquaintances. I do have a perfect pokerface and though people always describe me as friendly and empathetic, I can't form any real emotional connections to anyone. It's like a thin veil or a pane of glass between me and others. Because of that, I never share much about myself. I hate intimacy, both physically and psychologically. Even my closest friends who I've known for years only know me on a surface-level, and sometimes it feels lonely to have no one who truly sees me. It's bittersweet.

On the upside, I can get along really well on my own. I don't want to be around people all the time and I have enough hobbies to keep myself busy and productive without having to rely on anyone else. On the downside, I quickly get bored. Humans require at least a little bit of socializing to function properly, so it's impossible to be truly alone and happy all the time. Therefore I occasionally get a sudden and brief craving for attention, which is difficult to get in that moment when one spends most of their time alone. Then I turn to reckless (sometimes self-harming) behavior or I start spiraling and drown in self-pity, which leads to more isolation and more depression (narc crash). I'm currently working against that by trying to establish a schedule where I get to meet my friends 0.5-1x a week to have enough outside-supply but still primarily inside-supply (e.g. making art and music, studying and turning to other solitary activities).

Part of the reason why social encounters are so exhausting for me is that I mask heavily, even around my family. I intentionally crafted my mask to fit every situation I'm in and I constantly try to adjust it by observing other people's behaviors and matching my emotional reactions (I've heard people describe my personality and it differed a lot depending on the social group, and often wasn't even close to who I actually am). So at least half of my daily energy is wasted on performance.

Additionally, my most present emotions are anger and hate. Since I think very highly of myself, I get offended easily and rarely forgive anyone. This includes myself - if I make a mistake or fail at something, it feels like my chest is about to burst from rage, and it's difficult to calm down. I've been fantasizing about torturing and murdering people on a daily basis for years, partly as an outlet for anger and partly just for fun.

I automatically hide most of my emotions to the point where I'm unable to express happiness or surprise the way neurotypicals do. In general, I rather enjoy thinking rationally and despise emotional reactions as they never really help solving a problem. I may seem cold and apathetic when unmasked, and I often get confused trying to identify my own emotions.

That's all I could think of for now. Spending a lot of time alone gave me the chance to do a great amount of self-reflection, which isn't always nice as I tend to overanalyse everything, but it helps to get a better understanding of myself and my relationship to others.

I hope this small insight helps - Let me know if something's not clear or if you have any other follow-up questions!

#ask #schizoid #szpd #npd #actually npd #schizoid personality disorder #narcissistic personality disorder

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katapotato55 · 1 year

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psychonauts theory/analysis/headcannon: an analogy on neurodivergence?

spoilers for psychonauts, the rhombus of ruin and maybe psychonauts 2 these games are amazing please play at least the first game. the first game is only like 10 USD on steam and it is often on sale for waaay less. it is a very good underrated game. also TW: mentions of childhood abuse and personal experiences. you have been warned.

I will mostly talk about the first game. Yes i am aware i am probably overthinking it. I think we all know the first game isn't the most accurate to mental illnesses. The original game came out 18 years ago and was meant to be a dark comedy game rather than a sensitive depiction of mental health. I am not going to go into that aspect because time have changed since it released and I think it is redundant, but if you want my opinion I thought most of the jokes were hilarious. the first game wasn't meant to be a good depiction, so i take it for what it is and laugh along with it. I think the fact I relate to some of the characters makes it funnier personally.

but no, today I want to bring up a head cannon/theory thing: being a psychonaut is a metaphor for being nerodivergent. bear with me, here is my reasoning.

1- Raz's opening speech in the first game. "you were born with a special gift, but the people around you treat it like a curse. your mother is afraid of you, and your father looks at you with shame in his eyes" "back home your powers make you a loner, an outcast, a circus freak, but in this dojo, in this psychic dojo, they make you a hero." no explanation needed, this speech touched me in a way even if it is a bit corny. This bit here establishes that being psychic is still very taboo in this universe, as if being psychic is seen as something wrong with you rather than just an aspect you were born with. In this point in the games timeline, being psychic is slowly becoming less taboo and more of a valuable asset to society.

2- Raz's family a little bit ago i made a list about how much i hated the interns from the second game and how Agent Forsythe's actions against Raz felt a tad forced. I do not feel the same way about Raz's family. why ? well for one Raz has known them his whole life, and that "psychics are bad" came from SOMEWHERE. It is also implied that a lot of the biggotry came from his mother more than his father oddly enough. i am about to say something that is not for the faint of heart. please be advised. are you ready ? Are you sure you are ready ? meat circus. OK good now take a minute to calm down from your traumatic flashback from reading those words and then continue. The end level of the first game depicted Raz's struggle with his father. Raz was constantly under the impression that he was hated because of how his parents talked about being psychic. then Raz's father told him what he REALLY felt about his son and what was really happening. this hit me hard. some nerodivergent disorders are genetic, like in my case ADHD. and when a genetic disability exists and the family does not know they have it, then often times it is harder to get help due to prejustice. it is the "oh we are normal! i acted just like you when i was your age!" mentality. my whole life i have been told that "you are not [slur for disabled that starts with R]! you just need to get better at school! stop being lazy!", and then later i would learn one of my parents was just like me and hid it for their own safety. i can totally see "fortune teller" as a kind of slur for psychics truth be told. imagine being told as a child you are not a "fortune teller" and that "fortune tellers" are bad, and you being told that makes you feel like something is wrong with you. You feel like no one in your family loves you. It could be that Raz's father hid his psychic abilities from Raz's mother so he wouldent be scrutinized, while also hurting about what happened to his family in the past. It was the "fortune tellers" fault he was like this, so how could he love himself for being one? A headcannon I have was that Raz's mother already had pretty problematic thoughts about psychics, so when Raz's father discovered he was psychic he hid it away due to how it hurt his family and how they could react. It is established that psychics can find out they are psychics way later in life, such as mila's memory of the orphanage burning down and her suddenly being able to hear the voices of the dying children. This is somewhat accurate to adult diagnosis in my opinion.

3- Whispering rock could possibly be a special needs camp note: there is a difference between programs that teach you how to cope with your disability, and programs that basically abuse kids. Fuck autism speaks, fuck ABA programs, and a big fat special middle finger to Judge Rotenberg Educational Centre (don't google it unless you want to be angry). this bit here is a little obvious, but i thought i should point out that in the end of psy 2, agent forsythe mentioned teaching raz's family how to use their abilities safely. as I mentioned, some people find out they are psychic later in life, which is pretty common with nerodivergent disorders. It could be that whispering rock is a way to teach kids how to cope early in life so they don't struggle with it worse later on. this one is a bit of a stretch i will admit, but i got something way stronger next up:

4- Dr Loboto Dr loboto came from an emotionally neglectful home. His parents would remove toys from him and he would use his psychic abilities consistently to act out. this is normal for an emotionally neglected kid. his parents did not want a child, they wanted a perfect "doll" to do as they wanted. they loved the idea of a perfect ideal family and not actually having a child. and so they lobotomized him. Lobotomization was very common in the 50s. It was seen as a cure-all for all mental issues. housewife acting out? being her in to get snipped. child acting out? ice pick procedure. 9 times out of 10 it would end up making existing issues worse, or cause said patient to turn into a vegetable, or even death. If you want a famous case, see president JFK's sister. This hits me hard personally in multiple ways. I can see this as being a reflection of how people would "cure" their autistic kids by getting them lobotomized, or how in the modern day we still try to "cure" kids by abusing them and hurting them. Sometimes it wasn't even nerodivergent kids, just acting out is enough for people to do this! One of the reasons why i was diagnosed as an adult was the fear of doctors and teachers wanting to dope kids up to keep them quiet, god forbid an 8 year old is a little energetic, adhd or not. dr loboto is a traumatized broken man that was forcibly given brain damage because his parents loved the idea of a child rather than the child they made. I am lowkey kinda proud that he became a dentist to spite his father.

overall, i have heard people mention that psychonauts is a metaphor for being LGBT. I can see it, but honestly i feel as though the metaphor for nerodivergence is more strong. truth be told: we have a very similar history of bigotry, gaslighting, and abuse. we are siblings you and I, and our brotherhood will last generations. We are brothers and sisters and neithers in our pain. anyways that is my theory, let me know what yall think! I know i can come off as a little aggro but i genuinely would love to hear your thoughts!

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the-black-dragons-den · 9 months

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seeking advice if you have experience with cannabis cessation, addiction recovery, substance use disorder, and/or mental health issues, specifically depression, anxiety, and/or borderline personality disorder

tldr; I have to quit cannabis and i'm having a hard time because of my mental health symptoms, specifically being irritable as fuck and i need help/advice on how to get a handle on that

even if you don't have any advice for me, please reblog

background info:

so i've been diagnosed with major depressive disorder (highly treatment resistant), generalized anxiety disorder, and borderline personality disorder.

for the past several years, i've been using cannabis quite effectively to combat the various symptoms of my mental health diagnoses. but in my state, you can't get a medical marijuana card for mental health diagnoses.

i'm starting a trade training program soon, and it's free, and part of the requirement is to be drug-free, including cannabis, since it's still federally illegal. it's not like a "fail-once-you're-out" kind of thing (for cannabis), it's that over a series of drug tests, your levels have to start going down, and they want you clean by the 3rd week of the program.

the program starts at the beginning of september. i've had one drug test at orientation that I definitely failed, but i've been reducing my intake dramatically. used to smoke several bowls a day and in the course of a month, i've gotten myself off of flower entirely. i hit a concentrate pen a couple times a day, and i'm weaning myself off of that too.

lucky for me the withdrawal symptoms from cannabis are basically the mental health symptoms i use cannabis to combat

the difficulty:

i've definitely been feeling the effects of lessening my intake. the anxiety hasn't been too much of an issue but the depression is creeping in. however. i have lived in the pit of depression and anxiety for so long that that stuff doesn't even worry me any more. i'll be able to deal with that okay. i've also come too fucking far with my mental health to give up now, depression is a weak bitch and i've grown strong.

what i'm struggling with is a particular symptom of the BPD. overreactive emotions, particularly irritation. i get irritated by. the littlest things.

like if someone's rude to me (or if i perceive it that way). or if someone's going under the speed limit. or when they stock the shelves too full at the store and stuff falls on me while i'm working. or not getting enough sleep. when someone in the apartment parking lot thinks the "no back-in parking" rule doesn't apply to them. the AC being broken in my car, during our fucking 90 degree summer. little stuff.

it sticks into my brain like a metaphorical porcupine spine and it lives there the rest of the day. and by the end of the day i have like 85 porcupine spines in my brain and i'm ready to lose my shit. it feels, in a way, like my brain is on fire - raw and exposed and vulnerable and like the tiniest thing is going to make it melt entirely.

this is going to sound like an overreaction (but hey that's BPD for you) but i feel like the world has been designed to be sandpaper against my brain, and i'm not allowed to show any signs of discomfort. i am doing my best to put into words how fucking uncomfortable it is for me to live like this, and the words do not feel like enough.

being 100% sober from cannabis is actual hell for me, because the cannabis is the only thing i've been able to find that calms that rage, the irritation, the frustration. it lets the porcupine spines slide out. it puts out the flame and puts a balm on the raw, sandpapered embodiment of my resilience.

this morning i had a tough morning. slept terribly, woke up sweaty and cold, had the worst headache of my life last night. the meat we set out (in the fridge) to thaw for the crockpot didn't thaw. went to work exhausted. aforementioned overstocked-things-fall-on-me. scanner shits out 45 minutes into my day. customers asking me for things when i clearly am not an actual store employee. that's like 8 porcupine spines by 9 am. by the time i had my break, i was overwhelmed, totally pissed off, totally irritated, just rage-swirling in my brain. on my break, i took a hearty puff from my concentrate pen. and then. i was fine. for pretty much the rest of the day. like irritations still came up but they didn't stick like they did before, they rolled off much easier. because that's what cannabis does for me.

but i don't get to use cannabis to de-rage anymore. and that's the problem.

the advice/help i need:

suggestions for handling irritation in the moment so it doesn't get to the point of being overwhelming, therapy tricks, etc

suggestions on anything natural i can take or introduce into my diet that will help with the withdrawal

suggestions on how to avoid going back to cannabis (and therefore blowing my chance for this program)

basically any anger management suggestions

i really ought to get back into therapy, but since i'm not working while i'm taking the class, i can't super afford therapy right now

this is a sincere plea. most people think i'm a really nice person and they don't realize that it's because i'm on at least a little bit of cannabis almost all the time. without it, i'm such a bitch, and not because i want to be a bitch but because i feel like my brain is getting clawed to pieces and i just react, because, BPD.

anything you've got. help. please.

#personal #addiction recovery #borderline personality disorder #cannabis #weed #mental health #smoking cessation

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archonsbane · 7 months

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moot. the tags. your tags on the fatui harbinger found family post. they got my brain working. i am having thoughts and i think you might enjoy them. SORRY FOR RANTING IN YOUR INBOX BUT THE THOUGHTS....... they cannot be contained in the idea prison that is my brain

I AM HEARING YOU OUT. SO SO HARD. they are not like the bubu pharmacy found family, they are not like any of the mondstadt found families, they aren't even anything like nahida + wanderer's found family even though wanderer WAS a part of the fatui harbingers' found family at one point. they are not like any of those people. they are so much worse. because the fatui harbingers are so inextricably bound to one another by sin and anarchy to the point where even if they downright despise one another, there is nothing to be done about it, because they are the ONLY people on teyvat who understand one another on that grossly and uncomfortably personal level...... and they all probably hate it, but they also know it is 100% true. because there is literally nowhere for them to go, even if they wanted to leave (scara is the odd outlier; he paved his own way out i think) because there is not a single sane person on teyvat that would welcome them with open arms the way the tsaritsa and the other harbingers do. the fatui harbingers are so inextricably linked with sin and chaos that they can no longer separate themselves from that, especially the ones that seem a little less sane than the others (dottore pantalone signora arlecchino etc).

i think there are varying levels of dependency among the harbingers, like.... childe and pulcinella. it's one-sided, i think. childe relies on him but he does not rely on childe. pantalone and dottore, who make each other worse every day 🫶 i was talking about this with another moot and we agreed that they perpetually make one another more vile and awful. i think they consistently feed into each other's vices. pantalone funding dottore's experiments and dottore entertaining pantalone's heretical and conspiracist tendencies. and then scara and dottore. maybe sandrone and scara at one point. maybe arlecchino and signora before she died (i feel like they were close 🙏 women supporting women yk 🙏🙏). columbina and dottore! capitano, columbina, AND dottore. capitano and childe. there are a lot of dynamics to be explored.

but anyway.... teehee. i do think they have a dynamic of dependency, just with varying degrees depending on what pair you look at. the dependency can be discarded in some cases. i think childe could get over pulcinella if necessary. but in other cases, the harbingers are SO deeply intertwined that the dependency just cannot be dropped so easily.

tldr they are a genuinely dysfunctional found family in the most honest sense of the word 🙏🙏🙏 they destroy one another and they are all aware of that. and they may or may not be fine with that fact, depending on which harbinger you asked.

would they kill for each other? maybe. maybe not. would they die for each other? no LMFAO probably not, but they definitely have a twisted, messed up kind of affection for one another.

they know how to irritate one another. they know how to calm each other down. they know each other uncomfortably well and they cannot do anything about it 🫶🫶🫶

MOOT YOU'RE SO REAL FOR THIS. YOU GET IT. THEY'RE SO HORRIBLE WITH AND FOR EACH OTHER. THEY'RE DOING THEIR MESSY, CRUEL, AND (periodically) VIOLENT BEST. also oh my god no your thoughts are always welcome! i was actually delighted when i saw this HAHSHSHSH

also you're so absolutely correct on their dynamics. contrary to all the fanart i think childe and pulcinella have a sort of from-an-arm's-length relationship; it's implied that pulcinella is probably just showing affection to childe's family as a way to threaten/control him and childe — bless his heart — thinks he "seems genuine". keyword: seems. so while childe does display some level of trust he also doesn't completely take the plunge, y'know? i like to think that pulcinella is simultaneously looking out for childe but also trying to keep him on a leash. he is genuinely fond of childe but he also views him as the tsaritsa's attack dog. so yeah childe is kind of like. a pet LMFAO a really dangerous, potentially harmful pet that pulcinella can't help but be fond of but also knows that he has to keep him under snezhnaya's control.

you and the other moot are so correct on dottolone. i ADORE dottolone it's genuinely my favorite ship in genshin (notice how even in my x reader fic i couldn't help but include them LOL). toxic old men yaoi ftw. they're so fucking awful for one another and they do make each other worse but neither of them mind it. it is actively encouraged. with them it's a very twisted kind of love — the kind that consumes and devours until there's nothing left. the kind of love that requires you to give up all of you because there's no telling where one begins and the other ends. these bitches are married and thrice-divorced. they are on their way to another. they will become exes-with-benefits and then get married again.

also on the topic of dottore and scara. i'm not a big dottoscara person but i do admit that their relationship's got a little kick to it. not necessarily romantic but insanely co-dependent. both being rejects/outcasts?? longing for acceptance?? the amount of insane projecting?? tatarasuna in its entirety?? the give-and-take relationship during their time in the fatui?? what the hell was going on with them. ALSO 'you're still too naive if you think a few words will be enough to convince me to destroy the doctor' still boggles my mind. dottore was threatening haypasia, scara's first follower, someone scara shows a lot of possessiveness over (not to mention scara is already very antagonistic towards dottore even without knowing the truth. there is no love lost between them) and THAT'S his response??? bro.

i like to think there was a weird friendship between sandrone and scara. wanderer doesn't like her based on his voicelines but if he were forced to pick any harbinger to talk to it'd be her. still doesn't like her tho lol. i also hc arle and signora to be close! esp with how defensive arle was during her funeral. columbina and dottore are sadistic partners-in-crime. i'm not very big on dottobina but i do like them as a queerplatonic relationship. the top three (capitano, dottore, columbina) for me are like those kids in the honors class who've literally been stuck together repeatedly for years atp so there's a kind of strange camaraderie between them. they sit together at lunch. they (dottore and bina, i don't think capitano would) complain about how hard their jobs are but are the most efficient at it. i also think all of them are hundreds, perhaps even more, of years old (proud follower of biblically accurate angel columbina and abyssal monster capitano headcanons) so they've been stuck together for centuries. childe having a big fat crush on capitano is really funny and i love it. to add: pantalone going on tangents around childe like a particularly annoying uncle and childe just having to nod along is hilarious. i think there's a lot more to them than we know of? aside from that, childe is also heading debt collection which is adjacent to pantalone being in charge of snezhnaya's finances so. hm. the fatui women are all friends and have sunday brunch. i like chiscara too i think it's funny esp when psychological warfare and violence is used as flirting. arlebina is okay i don't really ship columbina w anyone bc she gives off aroace vibes. not even that really it's just that she's like a primordial being beyond things like romance AHDJEJDJWKA. pantalone and signora are two-faced friends who talk about each other behind their backs and (since they were married in the commedia) probably were fwbs at some point in time. scara showing the most miniscule concern for signora and warning her to not get herself killed was really interesting to me — and also how she so casually insulted him? hmm.

ALSO. GOD. they know each other's real names and each other's backgrounds. they are the only ones who do. i think it's fascinating that they canonically hit each other with the most brutal insults ("you're only number 6 because you can take more abuse than other humans" was so out of pocket like. SIGNORA. GIRL) and it's all brushed off without a care. i think in a way it's a comfort — what judgement could there possibly be from those exactly like them?

anyways. the fatui harbingers are a grotesque, co-dependent, and very toxic little found family and i adore them in their entirety. lord god i want to write a fic about them now 😭 i still have a bio midterm....

#— moots.#— rambles.#fatui harbingers

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afreakingdork · 3 months

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Hey, hello, hi! So, I've been thinking about some things, and I've decided to just ask and get it out of my head to calm down xd

So, if I understand correctly, you try to write reader in WS as neutral as possible, but some things are still based on your own experience. And if I understood correctly, in WS reader already been in a relationship before, right?

The thing I've been wondering, is how would the relationship go in WS if it was reader's first relationship? Like, they never had partners before and so they're inexperienced. Would their first night with Donnie be any different? How would they react on B.E.D.F.A.S.T.? And maybe any other thoughts you have on this question.

Sorry, I'm a weirdo xdd And thank you in advance!

Howdy and might I start with a 'proud of you!' Look at you reaching out; you did amazing!! I'm here for any and all questions and this is not weird at all!

In fact, I'd say this is fun one! 🤭

You've got it exactly. I try to make reader as every man as possible, but as a creative (I believe this is universal) you are always putting a little piece of yourself into your work no matter how outside the realm of your world you're depicting. Everything you see is through your own honed perspective, unlike any other and no matter what that will come through!

So reader is meant to be about 32/33 and thus it seemed typical to me that they had been in a relationship before and had had sex prior. Obviously, there are people who have never sex by that age or what have you!

Never had a relationship before and it seems like you might also be insinuating that they've never had sex before in that case, but I will write this two scenarios differently because I do love a writing exercise:

No Prior Romantic Relationships + Has Had Sex

I feel like largely this would play out the same from a sexual standpoint. They would be attracted to each other in the same way and would follow the same line of escalation due to that experience. Where it would change would def be in how much reader is able to handle and communication. Obviously we're still talking in a broad sense, so it could go one of two ways. One would be that reader doesn't put up with as much and fails certain cues due to inexperience. This would come hard into play especially around the time when he starts putting down all his rules in how he's struggling to put reader into his life (chapter 7 and revelations like him holding back). Since it is Donnie's first relationship, the learning curve would be WAY steeper. You have two people who have no experience it is difficult to become that patient and understanding of a partner with no experience. That isn't to say it's impossible, you'd have other types of relationships, friends, family, ect, that you would have learned to navigate, but this would be something far more raw. Even for someone with previous relationship experience, you need to remember that Donnie is a damaged person. He has deep and painful unhealed trauma, he's autistic, and he has only just, for the first time in his life, been able to live as himself which is not something he knows how to do. I am by no means saying that it couldn't work out, but holy hell talk about starting relationships on hard mode. It's hard to think that they would have weathered all the lies. Each time Donnie pushed reader closer and closer to a breaking point, I believe someone with no relationship experience might buckle more quickly at those points.

Let's take it another way though, being new to a relationship gives you a level a naivety. What does this mean to the story? Let's reset to what I said about them following the same line of sexual escalation. Now, if we were to take the naive route, this affects the story because then reader puts up with too much. When you're naive in a new relationship, you're often willing to put up with way more than you realistically should. You try so hard because you're blinded by love, you don't know better, and it's so very difficult to prioritize yourself when those feelings of affection and running wildly rampant. This changes the story because reader wouldn't be obviously hitting those push back points. They'd probably roll over more and think thing were okay when in reality they were tearing reader apart. Down this scenario, Donnie is affected negatively too. Where they'd probably break up in the first go at this, in this one, they'd stay in an unhealthy place where their relationship isn't a partnership. Donnie wouldn't reveal his backstory as early and I can see reader ultimately having a severe breakdown with Donnie being devastated because he had no idea it was getting so bad.

Again, this is just conjecture. There's no reason to say these won't work, but when I play the exercises out, you see I've come to two bad end scenarios. It's sort of like a dating sim (which might be a good place to mention I'm addicted to these sorts of games). Another thing to keep in mind is this is just the case if we stick to the plot of Weak Spot, which I don't think would happen in either of these cases. That's the beauty of writing; you change one thing and it cascades into a hundred others. I bet you I could take both the previous scenarios and turn them into the same positive and loving relationship, but the story itself would play out very, very differently.

But I have another scenario to run through!

No Prior Romantic Relationships + Has NEVER Had Sex

Now this one falls heavily on Donnie which he will struggle with immensely. He barely has time to take care of himself, let alone another person with where he is currently at mentally. Reader needed to press him for things he needed and he's still the hard giver in the relationship despite everything he's going through so I bet he'd be further taxed in this scenario. I have a harder time seeing them having the same sexual escalation so I imagine they would have had sex much further down the line. Sure, you can be a flirty savant having neither had a romantic partner nor sex, but it's not the norm and would depend heavily on your situation. When they did finally get to a sex step, it would have been reached methodically with more time spent at each base. I see their first date ending at heavy petting and Don excusing himself since he's losing control. He would force himself to learn control before he'd get anywhere near taking reader to bed. The arousal scent bomb that set Donnie feral would never have happened. i can't imagine getting placed naked in front of him while he's trying to explain what's going to happen and a person with zero experience wanting to interrupt that. Instead it would have been a slow and loving first time and since they would have hit the bases, reader would have been slowly stretched out to be able to take him along the way. Wild sex in this scenario would come much, much later down the line because Donnie would never chance this. I feel like he would struggle a lot with this one, not for control (he struggles way more with that), but he would have been closed off much longer. I don't think this reader would have pressed him on his holding back as much and he would be cold and callous for months and months, maybe even the first year of their relationship. For B.E.D.F.A.S.T. I can't see them even initiating at where they are currently (closer toward the second year of their relationship). Again, another scenario where I feel like within the restraints of the Weak Spot plot we are getting a bad ending, but if I actually wrote this out, I would probably take the story in a new direction!

Ah that was a blast! I'm sorry these weren't all good, but it was a lovely exercise.

#ask #weakspotfic

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shadowphatom22 · 1 year

Text

Walker and his adopted half son Chapter 2

Hello everyone hope you are all well and I am glad to see many people love the first chapter, and I was surprised when first saw the number of likes the next morning to say I cried and was happy when I saw it when I first woke up, and now an almost one later as of tomorrow I am so happy. I am glad you all are taking the time to read the story, well we should start the next chapter! (trying hard not to cry while typing pulse my boyfriend is asking me if I am okay)

REMINDER:

Naturally, I do not own Danny Phantom which belongs to Butch Hartman. (Note if you have not seen the show I Highly recommend you see it before reading this if you are a newbie or you will not fully understand).

I was given the OK from @five-rivers to use this AU and turned it into the story that I am posting and I hope you all like it.

Lastly, I have been using different stores as my teacher, and I do not know all of them, I want to give a big shot out to you guys because without this story might not even happen. one of the authors is @halfghostwriter, and there are so many more on here, fanfation.net, AO3, in other words, thank you.

*Please Note: the age is going off of how long they have been born in the ghost zone, or died and went to the ghost zone*.

Chapter 2: Power trouble, and in baby form, is that bad?

Last time….

After the two goons spotted Danny, and try to capture him to bring him into the prison, much to Danny's unpleasant mood, Danny has been having trouble with his powers granted he had been training with his friends and his sister and being in this situation was the last thing he wanted was to run into Walker’s goons because he was tired, hungry, and his power was acting up. However during the fight, the two goons thought we getting faster because they thought they can finally bring in the troublemaker, but when they both noticed Danny acting differently they started to slow down and then….

??? Goon 1: YOU’RE A BABY?!?!?!?

??? Goon 2: …. (Still In shock)

Danny:......( looks confused while trying to look mad) but failed

NOW!

No one point of view

Danny did not want this to happen to him, although he thought that came to his mind. A baby! He is 14 years old. Meanwhile, the goons were lost for words, and thoughts while one is and the other is still in shock. For the one that is lost in thoughts and also can not believe that they have broken the law, of hurting a ghostling they also failed to protect him, because there were other ghosts hunting him and also human hunters too that also including the ghostling parents the Fenton; which leads to questions in his head such as Do his parents know? why are they attacking him? Many different questions came one after another. After a few minutes, the goon was lost in thought, that enough was enough, and decided to take a gentle approach, and by doing that he kneel down and got to Danny's eye level so he could feel calm and relaxed and not scared and want to run away.

First-person point of view

(??? Goon 1)

After I kneel down, my partner finally comes out of shock and did the same thing as I am doing we both are keeping a safe distance for Danny’s safety because of our auras and it can be dangerous for a ghostling, because they will fight or flight, which is important to stay calm; from the little experience that they know Plasmius is 20 years old.

??? Goon 1: Danny, long have you been a ghost or half ghost in your case?

Danny made an O shape with his month and at first, I missed how he was trying to tell me, then I hear the sounds of taping and I look at his tall and paid more attention to it when Danny tapped his tail in vers of 3s, I figure it out and I hear my partner gasp.

??? Goon 2: 3 months?!?! That is Impoissble we are getting our ass kicked by –

I gave him the look of shut the hell up and I also heard a high pitch sound of a squeak, I looked at Danny because I know that sound came from him and he must feel embarrassed, now that I am looking at Danny and his aura, core, and form, he needs help.

??? Goon 1: Danny you need help, you are in trouble, and the way things are it is hurting you. Do you have a parent or someone to take care of you here in the ghost zone?

Danny only shook his head no.

??? Goon 2: What should we do Nightmare?

Nightmare: I have no idea Shadow tracker

Danny: squeak

Nightmare: Oh? Is someone laughing (trying hard not to laugh too)

Shadow tracker: You may be laughing now but I can find any shadow in both zones (with an evil smirk on his face). Hearing this Danny Paled even more than he already is (how is that even…) I thought; and I hit shadow tacker outside the head “Not cool you should have kept your mouth shut!” I sigh and wonder why the hell did the boss assign him to be my partner for today, especially right now. I turn back to look at Danny and I notice how tired he is because he is fighting to stay awake right now, and slowly raping his tail around his body, it may be half tail and the half eco blob I am wounding what he will grow up to be and look like? “Hey, Danny how would you feel about coming, with us. You don’t have to if you don’t want to –” I was cut off by Danny's squeak and nod of yes (that is weird because of our boss wants him locked up, and another thing Danny looks relieved for some reason). I thought as I go and pick him up gently.

Shadow Tracker's point of view

After I came out of my shock and scared Danny which I feel guilty of doing and Nightmare has every right to be mad at me because this was the first time we see Danny calm and relaxed and I go and mess it up. However I am surprised at Nightmare with how calm he is acting, and his actions not only he got Danny to answer some important information, he even manage to talk Danny into coming with us although I think I’m missing some of the conversations do to the shock that happens more than one. After Nightmare picks up Danny in his hand, Danny snuggles in Nightmare's hand, while his tail is wrapped around his wrist. I move closer to them and we hear a small purr.

Nightmare: how can something be so cute yet so deadly

Shadow tacker: I have no idea the boss is going to lose it and did Danny just hiss at me?

Nightmare look down at Danny who was busy looking at me and does not want me to get closer to him.

Nightmare: Karma, ( while laughing at me) hey Shadow tracker do you think this week's ghostly gossip news is out?

Shadow tracker: I have no clue I hope so and he is finally asleep let’s head back now while he is sleeping.

Nightmare: Good idea we are in for an earful that is for sure.

No one point of view

As they are heading back to the prison with a sleeping Danny they did not notice the other ghosts around him some were shocked, others felt guilty for what they have done, and others are planning something.

??? 1: Oh the ghost child is actually a baby how interesting

??? 2: I seem so what should we do?

And the two of them went left getting concerned looks from the other looks.

#danny phantom

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epicspheal · 1 year

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So I had this thought that I'd like to share. What if Red's trauma response is just diving into stuff. Mainly " hero" stuff like rushing into a team rocket base and defeating everyone in sight. I dunno how to describe it, but it comes from the idea that maybe an 11 year old facing off against a dangerous mafia group would leave some lasting effects. I wouldn't be surprised if Red's journey scarred him in a way to think that if there's a threat he has to take care of it immediately. Am I taking that one scene from pokemon masters and making it super angsty for no apparent reason? Yeah.

But really it's a genuine thought I had. Red is seen as the calmer one of the Kanto trio but he's very much ready to fight ( by himself I might add) at all times due to his experience with Team Rocket.

Hi there ihopethisendswell! I've been sitting on this for a bit because I was trying to figure out how to best articulate my thoughts on game!Red and trauma. Because you're right given what he has gone through a lot and is certainly valid to believe that on some level at least a little traumatized.

You mention the Kanto Villain arc scenes in Pokemas (which I confirmed via DM) were Blue yelling at Red for going alone and Red deciding to G-max Snorlax in the base. These were two very telling scenes regarding with how Red deals with threats.

Personally, I disagree with the idea of Red diving into stuff being a trauma response. Across iterations of the male Kanto protagonist (Game!Red, Ash, and Manga!Red) being a little reckless and diving into battle is a universal trait.

Now this is not to say diving into things recklessly can't be a traumatic response, because it most certainly can be. I think though a better example of "diving into things recklessly as a traumatic response" in the Pokeverse would be Hugh, Gladion or Paulo given their backstories. And to be fair I can definitely see the argument that after the run-ins with Team Rocket on his original journey that it's made Red more ready to fight and I don't doubt that it has had some effect. I just don't think it's a purely traumatic response and rather it’s mostly that Red is just naturally reckless.

I think the reason why game!Red being reckless and diving head first is often seen by people as purely a trauma response is the fact that he’s quiet. In fact, he's the only version of the Kanto Male protagonist who is canonically quiet as a major part of his characterization, transcending him just being a silent avatar for the purposes of self-insertion. We tend to, especially in the west, equate reckless and take-charge behavior as something outgoing people tend to do. Someone like Ash or Manga!Red. Quiet characters are often automatically perceived as stoic, calm and collected, and risk averse, even if their actions truly say otherwise. Like you alluded to, game!Red is often seen as the calm one but if the Kanto villain arc is anything to go by, he really isn't. Sure, he may keep a good poker face in battle or in regular conversation, but deep down he's fiery which is shown not only in his choice of starter, but also how one of his theme skills is "Passionate Spirit". Even Blue remarks about this quiet passion when he compares the player to Red "You kinda remind me of him!"You're like a crimson flame quietly burning."

That passionate spirit would drive someone to take charge in a moment of crisis even if they are on the silent side.

Now let's dive deeper into those two scenes. Let's start with the G-max Snorlax scene. For me this is a case where I see Red's actions being less of a pure traumatic response and more of another just inborn trait of Red's. It's universal among the Kanto male protagonists is being reckless with their strategies in the hopes of a large payoff be it in regular battles or serious events. Ash is known for having reckless off the wall strategies as is Pokespe!Red. So game!Red being incredibly reckless with his strategies also checks out.

Now to be fair, Red knows what Giovanni is capable of, so the idea that from past run-ins with Giovanni he knew to shut it down quickly is extremely valid and I do think that played a part into him choosing to G-max in an enclosed area But then remember Blue's quotes during the event "Wait, I know that look in your eyes! Don’t tell me—" Clearly this is not the first time Blue has seen Red be reckless. But what about the part where he left on his own? And didn't tell anyone he was alright and just hiding...much like how he just went up to Mt Silver to train for years without telling anyone, not even his mom? This is where I personally see trauma informing his actions. Red shares the passionate spirit, recklessness and diving headfirst traits with his anime and manga counterparts showing that this is very much a Kanto male protagonist thing. But one thing that game!Red lacks compared to both Ash and Manga!Red is a solid support system when dealing with major threats at least initially. Now Red has friends...two best friends in Blue and Leaf. And he certainly has the respect of all the major trainers of Kanto. But when it came down to the Team Rocket crisis back during his journey, game!Red was very notably alone in dealing with the threat. While Ash didn't really have a proper face-off against Team Rocket in Kanto, he still had his friends Brock and Misty to ward off threats from TRio, and other companions when the other evil teams made their presence known. Manga!Red had Blue and Green as well as the gym leaders of justice in helping to defeat Team Rocket in the manga as well as the help of future dexholders and gym leaders when he got involved in other villainous arcs. But the game version of Red? None of the gym leaders helped. The elite four weren't evil but just holed up in the Indigo Plateau. Leaf was nowhere to be found even though we know she went on her own journey around the same time Red and Blue did. And Blue…chose to battle Red instead of help out. In fact a lot of his living legend status stems from the fact that he took down Team Rocket initially solo. Sure both Ash and manga!Red also would dive in solo at times but they almost always had backup.

Not having backup in those stressful dangerous times is certainly a traumatizing experience. When I think back to when Blue yelled at him for not taking him along all I could think was "Blue, you know your my favorite character, but...you do remember not helping him right? Not sure you should expect him to ask for your help" Granted we know at this point of time Blue and Red have made up and are back to being best friends. But while Red may have forgiven Blue but I can totally understand why he may not of reached out to him initially. Same thing with Leaf, the Kanto gym leaders and Elite four. It's reasonable to assume that in the moments when he realized Team Rocket was up to no good, Red thought "I've got do this alone, because no one else will help me". Which is rather sad when you think about it. We don't even see Red even begin to accept help until the Kanto Villain arc...after Blue yells at him. And for what it's worth I think it's not due to Blue yelling at him but Blue (and the others) showing that they can actually be reliable backup. This is lightly expanded upon in the Johto villain arc where Professor Bellis mentions she sent Blue and Red to help investigate the randomly Dynamaxing Pokemon. We could argue that the two split up during that request but given how for the remainder of the Kanto Villain arc Blue and Red worked together it's likely that finally Red knows fully he can trust someone to have his back in these situations. This also correlates well to his disappearance up to Mt. Silver. Sure, he did go up there to train, but the fact that he went up there for so long without telling anyone, not even his mom does ring alarm bells. I think given everything that happened not just the Team Rocket business but his loss of friendship with Blue there is a lot of reason for Red to be upset and want to isolate himself if only just to process everything and train in peace without threats from villains or being reminded of a broken friendship.

Compare this to his anime and manga counterparts who don't have extended periods of pure isolation. And at least with manga!Red when he goes missing for a month it's immediately shown as suspicious and when he goes off to train on Mt. Silver it's with Gold. Ash is hardly ever alone for extended periods time with the exception being some of the newer movies. The bonds of friendship in the midst of a crisis are a common theme among Pokemon and it's a major thread in the manga and anime with respect to both manga!Red and Ash. And this is something game!Red doesn't get a chance to experience (at least as far as we know of) until the Pokemas Villain arc. So, do I think that Red feels like he needs to take care of threats immediately is a response from trauma? No, not really. It's, in my opinion, mainly standard hero stuff that encapsulates the Kanto male protagonist in all forms. Perhaps some of it is a trauma response but not as much as many would assume. Do I think that Red feeling like he needs to take care of things alone is a trauma response? Absolutely.

I'm hoping we get to see more of this addressed in Pokemas to get more definitive answers. Which I think we might given that some of Blue's dialogue in the Paulo Interludes are...rather ominous...and we may be getting some backstory. Mainly about Blue but Red is going to be inexplicably tied to this given the line of "And it's possible to get back some of the things you've lost". I'm almost positive that's regarding his friendship with Red and I feel like it would be hard to tell this part of the story without addressing either the Silph Co incident or how Red finally decided to come back down from Mt. Silver.

#ask epic spheal #trainer red #trainer blue #pokemas #character analysis

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libbee · 2 years

Note

Please do post about the physical appearance and sexuality of a 8 th house Venus female

Hi! Trigger warning: abuse.

Can astrology foretell physical appearance of a native?

Well, they look like their parents or their grandparents. I look like a mix of my father, his mother and some other traits here and there.

I have often read such posts where Libra/Taurus/etc celebrities pictures and aesthetics are posted about natives. Perhaps it resonates on a subconscious level. For eg, I am venus in 8th house lady and I can subconsciously relate to femme fatale siren vibes but I dont act or dress like that in real life. So, perhaps you can relate to the aesthetic on energy levels but it totally depends on you how you style yourself.

When it comes to my appearance though, yes, I do attract a lot of envy and irrational reactions from people. As if they see me and want to project all the negative things on me. I also attract many narcissistic people.

Something that I have done all my life, even before I knew astro, was that I loved making eye contact with boys. I was a little kid staring into the eyes of my crush. We would have staring competition and we just stared at each other. I love staring. Eye contacts are my favourite thing about a relationship.

Throughout my school and college life, I always had a fanboy. Always. When I was a little girl, boys would stalk my house, write my name on the board, tease me in front of class, play with me, sing dirty songs at me, adult men would touch me, lots of cheek kissing and touching. During my teenage years, I used to get cat called, two boys gave me their phone numbers written on paper, one boy in my class was devoted to me like a servant (yes, he was that devoted), I always had a boy in my class who was just obsessed with me. In senior school, there was a boy who literally stared at me like crazy. He was the boy for whom I started using astro to know about. He was born on 1st May and I thought he was Taurus. I used to calculate our zodiac love scores lol. Little did I know astrology is much more dense and elaborate.

During my undergrad college years, there were 3 boys who kept flirting with me. One classmate kept asking me to ask me out and I kept declining because of some insecurities. I used to use online chatrooms during this period and talked to many obsessive stalker men, including my 8th house synastry that I became obsessed with.

During my post graduation, I again had a boy calling me out of nowhere to talk to me for hours about college stuff. We were in lockdown at that time. Now I am graduated and single. I have overcome my obsession and now I just want to get married and settle down.

You can see what a rollercoaster my love life has been. I am average looking for my society's standards. Nothing sensational. I am cute, well shaped body though.

As for sexuality, I personally was hypersexual but now I have calmed down. A lot of these natives go into porn work. They also have casual hookups. If not this, they might have been sexualized as a child and also faced some kind of sexual abuse.

Do pay attention to the rest of your chart too. This post will be useful if you can relate to my experiences. A lot of things very based on the whole chart, cultural differences, society, family structure and personal destinies.

#astro observations #astrology observations #astrology #astro community #shadow self #astroblr #occult #8th house #venus in 8th house #scorpio woman

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katyspersonal · 1 year

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since you've been playing elden ring, do you have a favorite npc so far?

Haha, my pace at discovering more of Elden Ring is SNAIL slow. And I don't mean moderately fast snail-like mobs in ER, I mean real life snails. xD So, my knowledge is still lacking. But with what I DO know, I think I can pick a favourite already!

This might come off as a surprise, but this...

...is...

...SELLEN!

Honestly, so far I liked her the most! She gives me very strong Imposter Iosefka vibe (in the scenario if after having made enough Emissaries, the Imposter also joined with them to be several small ascended people hiding in a trench coat pretending to be one BIG ascended person…). Whereas she is still, of course, a unique and interesting character on her own! It is just this kind of a female character after knowledge beyond human plane that reminds me.

I am particularly fond of the madman/woman/person characters who want to know the eldrich truths of the universe, no matter how horrifying they are and no matter what taboos they have to break, and what they have to give in exchange. I also can respect the type of 'scientist that is not above trying their own medicine' because, again, she becomes The Orb herself xd Her sassy and blunt attitude is also very appealing for me, she is a confident character with a very certain motivation! I do also enjoy how no matter what scroll she is given, her reaction is that she is familiar with this sorcery, so she is already very educated!

I've posted my analysis how in Bloodborne, Willem and 'original' Choir (from which only Yurie remains) prioritise ascending humanity and leveling with the gods as people, whereas the Choir as it is later tries to TRANSCEND humanity, and will break any taboos, just like Mensis too. In there, I actually sympathise with Willem's side and see Choir as reckless and desperate fools. But in Elden Ring, for some reason, I actually sympathise with the ideas of Sellen (and her teachers, Azur and Lusat) more instead, whereas seeing how Caria family goes about the glintstone teachings as kinda weak. Not REAL researchers. It is very funny and I can't even explain why I am so inconsistent all of a sudden; doesn't help that Rennala herself gives strong Willem and Yurie vibe! Truly, the magic of narration can make EITHER side feel more sympathetic than the other o_o"

Also, I've learned that initially her Witch's Glintsone Crown was named Grana Glintstone Crown, but it was patched out!

I feel like developers initially did want to make Sellen as important as someone who had her own school and the crown made in her likeness was a common wear too, but it never picked up because… well, her line of studies contradicted with Caria's family agenda and restrictions too much? It is one thing to just explore rocks from space, but completely different one to try and BECOME one! But I decided to go with 'they retconned the idea' rather than with 'they obscured the idea'. I mean, how exactly people would follow this "school"? They'd just become rocks lol. It is not really studying the object when you become the object.

I also honest to god cannot recall this particular shade of green glintstone anywhere else - not in an environment, nowhere on Graven Scholars, and there are no spells or staff associated with this color. So I feel like it is artificial and created BY her; would go with theme of her experimenting with turning people into seeds of a star. Heck, maybe this glintstone also had an… organic origin, too. So it cannot be turned into a weapon (unlike staffs of Azur and Lusat that ARE made from existing cosmic material), but only serve as cathalyst for intellect and sorcery of THE caster.

Also I just gotta say, I really appreciate how in these spheres everyone is always having the both horrified and awe-full expression, but she looks really blissful and calm x) She actually gave a realistic, adequate estimate towards how much she wanted to become one with the cosmos xD Lore says that even Azur and Lusat were devastated when they witnessed it, so she is arguably MORE of a madwoman than those two. Love this about her so much.

Honorable mention: so far, Nepheli is my second favorite. Her design definitely beats everyone else's amongst NPCs yet, but also she is just really appealing character. Badass warrior with two axes with great honor and will to go on no matter what, who is also very sensitive and compassionate at heart, is in touch with her vulnerable side, grieving the fallen, strong but not invincible… It is a very good example of how TO write a strong and badass female character; the power is not to be a solid brick that never cries but to be able to connect with one's insecurities and still get back up. Her being heartbroken when her father figure turned on her was very moving, for some reason this way she feels stronger than if she just got up and kicked Gideon's ass and hated him forevermore after that. I just live for this balance of both big muscles but ALSO a big heart.

#elden ring #sorceress sellen #elden ring headcanons #(sort of? it isn't really much it is just me rambling)#(can't wait to discover a minor detail in lore that will flip everything upside down as usual lol)#going in blind with elden ring is a very rewarding experience trust me #but at the same time i feel SO helpless compared to how well-versed I am in BB!#emotions when you find and NPC dead or find a plot twist are so worth it tho xd #for the record: yes i do like seluvis and i can write an essay on this too #but from cold and rational standpoint not he is my favorite #i just appreciate him #i really love it though how in ER there is a line between magic (incantations) and science (glintstone sorcery)#how former scales with faith and latter with intellect #i needed it a lot #granted BB also has cursed pthumerian-esque magic vs COSMOS OF COURSE and eyes #but it is a bit more blurry #by the way if there IS this exact shade of green somewhere else in the game BUT her crown please show me!#i just haven't seen it nor an item!#unless i am right and it IS unique. oh boy....

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