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4dbarbie-archive · 9 months

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4dbarbie remix: How to realise Self?

Disclaimer: This remix/mashup post was compiled by me, a student of 4dbarbie as a way to make sense of everything and to understand how to apply the knowledge practically. I went through all her posts and answered asks to make this which is made up of various parts of 25 49 (omg lol there was a lot of good stuff) different posts and answered asks. It is not an original post by 4dbarbie herself but all words are directly from her various posts and answered asks (except for my clarification notes which are in purple text in brackets & the last section after the last divider where I make some closing comments). Hopefully the way I've organised the information in this post makes sense and helps some Vanessas out there. ♡

Fair warning as this is a pretty long post essay (!) so maybe grab a cup of tea or something :) If you are really new to all this then take some time to really process it, there is no rush. My personal notes and highlights are in pink for main points and purple for 'action' points.

May we all realize our Self ♡

There would be no steps necessary, no process to undertake if you would just establish yourself in the I AM alone. You are so lost in your play you forget reality. 1 If you are "I AM", it means you are not the person experiencing the world/thoughts/circumstances, you never were. 2

The external world, you control it (because it is you!, in you), you make it, fully, even when you tell yourself you don't. 3 To know yourself as the source of all that is, you have to first remove the veil of what's stopping you from seeing it in the first place. To know your real being, you have to first abandon what you thought yourself to be. 4 There is no external life, there is no need to use any methods to recondition or train your mind. It is much faster, much easier and you are hundreds times happier just letting go of the mind. 5 The process is one of letting go more and more until you find yourself having nothing, being nothing. The thing about nothing though is that it's the only thing that can take the shape of everything. 6

A jeweler who wants to refashion an ornament, first melts it down to shapeless gold. Similarly, one must return to one's original state before a new name and form can emerge. The only way to renewal lies through destruction. You must melt down the old jewellery into formless gold before you can mold a new one. What refuses to die cannot be reborn. - I Am That, Nisargadatta Maharaj 7

Stop thinking you are Vanessa, the thoughts of needing this or that drop away. By thinking you are it, you create a character who desires and then identify yourself with it. You can only have when you let go of thinking that you don't. To change, you need to give up this conviction of being this person. You need to disbelieve. 9

Most of you can't change because you are so desperate TO change... but there is nothing to want to change. Things just are. Don't work with changing self, just realize who self actually is. 10

You have it, all is well. Just stop believing the illusions born out of thinking you're a person. 11

Unless they understand who they really are, that Vanessa is a habit and nothing more - that nothing has existence outside of awareness, including her, that awareness assigns reality and is the only reality - they're always going to struggle to control something and get frustrated they don't see what they think they're aware of. What you're aware of is what you're being. You can't be aware of being something new while also being Vanessa. 12

Knowing is being. If you really knew, the thing you knew would be materialized. You know you are Vanessa so you're being Vanessa. Would you want Vanessa if you were her? No. You are her so you don't desire her. And you won't be able to be Vanessa 2.0 if you don't shed this Vanessa first. That is, let go of thinking the thoughts are yours. 8

Your memories of the life Vanessa lived are now and not in a past. You are imagining her past being now. Her past exists now because you are aware of it now. If you were Lara you would be aware of a different past, still now. Basically there was no yesterday and you are imagining "a past having been" today. 13

Anon: "Do I have to endure the world while I know my self as awareness and disbelieve that I am Vanessa???" Ada: THE POINT OF KNOWING YOURSELF AS AWARENESS IS TO DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT AT ALL TIMES, FOREVER. It's complete, incomparable freedom and power. It's the only real love. 14

You are either your Self with nothing attached to it or you're an ego. Disbelieve you were ever her. See what happens. 41

A lot of beliefs are subconscious. "I am a body", "I am Vanessa", "There is a world" are all subconscious, automatic beliefs. Upon investigation you can get rid of any belief (by making them conscious and then dropping them). 15 How do you drop a belief? (see part 1 and part 2)

HOW TO STOP?

The body and the mind are only symptoms of ignorance, of misapprehension. Behave as if you were pure awareness, bodiless and mindless, spaceless and timeless, beyond 'where' and 'when' and 'how'. Dwell on it, think of it, learn to accept its reality. Don't oppose it and deny it all the time. Keep an open mind at least. Make your mind and body express the real which is ALL and beyond all. By doing, you succeed. - I Am That, Nisargadatta Maharaj

You need not take time to meditate or put time aside to contemplate and "apply". All you need to do is detach from this form during the day, let life happen as it happens while reminding yourself it's a dream, a dream that doesn't have to be yours. 16 It is your own desire to hold on to it that creates the problem. Let go. Stop imagining that the dream is yours. As long as you give reality to dreams, you are their slave; see all as a dream and stay out of it. 17

You imagine that there is an external world in which the you that you're identified with lives, but all of that is in your mind. Stop imagining it's true and it dissolves, which can only mean it never was. Which can only mean you assigned reality to it by thinking you're it 18

I've said it before, you don't have to convince Vanessa that she's unreal. Just stop taking the thoughts you don't like for truth or reality. There is no convincing involved, it is all letting go... you're holding so tightly onto your ideas now, that's why you can't see their falsity. 19 You don't have to convince anyone of anything. What I teach here is to leave your mind alone, that is all. Don't go along with it. 2 Thoughts will keep on coming for a while, just now you know they have nothing to do with you. Get into a habit of watching, letting them be but not identifying with them. If you can observe them, it means you are not them. 32 Doesn't matter what the thought is, leave it alone, ignore it BUT not by force of will, just indifference. We've established you aren't the ego, alright? Thoughts, right now, are from the ego. 20

Thoughts of the past life come, remember they no longer have anything to do with you. Literal full delusion (I only call it that because after being identified with a person for so long, it's mind-blowing to grasp you are not that). Thoughts are not yours, complete indifference - no need to fight them. Where they come from, none of your business. Only know they are not yours. YOU not being in your desired reality is a thought, got it? This body and this world are not forced onto you, they exist through your identification with them. Not yours, remember? Repeat. Not yours. You won't lose your mind, you'll only lose your misery. After you've detached, you'll easily shift to as many realities as you want - don't put any on a pedestal of desire, they are equal. See this world and the body as not real first. What is true is only what I AM is identified with, right now this body which is not in that TV show (referring to anon's desire). Correct this first by letting go of thinking it's you. 21

You don't need to convince yourself they're unreal, just dismiss them as not yours. They will disappear more and more through your newfound indifference, then their physical counterparts will, too. Detachment is by doubt and indifference. First you start doubting "the facts", then you become indifferent to the facts, lastly there are no facts anymore and you can establish your own. 20

Start letting go bit by bit, just to see what happens, you won't start "acting crazy" just because you become uninterested in thoughts, I promise 22

What I recommend you to do is bring your self into focus, become aware of your own existence. See how you function, watch the motives and the results of your actions. Study the prison you have built around yourself because of credulity. By knowing what you are not, you come to know your self. The way back to your self is through refusal and rejection. 23

Here's a scale of emotions you go through, from bottom to top: apathy, grief, fear, hostility, anger, indifference, acceptance, freedom finally - and then unlimited, independent joy. You can review this to see where you are on the journey and what should come next. You can't skip them, all of them have to happen for you to have the all. 14

Do not try to understand any more, just be. And let other things be as they are. Even if you're not happy about what you see, there is no way around it besides accepting it. As long as you fight it and try so hard & incessantly to change it, you're only giving it further reality. 14

If you are angry or in pain, separate yourself from anger and pain and watch them. Step away and look. The physical events will go on happening, but by themselves they have no importance. It is your mind alone that matters. When you identify yourself with them, you are their slave, you think you have to act on them. When you stand apart, you are their master. 24

One thing is certain: the real is not imaginary, it is not a product of the mind. 23

You are beyond the mind. Mind and body become your servants once you discover your Self. The present moment is all that is, so yes - become aware of having never been the ego, of your ego being just one of your creations. Ego is the concept of individuality, of separation from the “I", and the All. Therefore ego is a false assumption. We are really the Supreme Reality, we are not separate from It. To "fix" the separation, reject what you are not. Only look at who you are, over and over and over until it becomes the permanent identification and replaces the ego. 25

Once you are convinced that you cannot say truthfully about your self anything except ‘I am’, and that nothing that can be pointed at, can be your self, the need for the ‘I am’ is over — you are no longer intent on verbalising what you are. All you need is to get rid of the tendency to define your self. All definitions apply to your body only and to its expressions. Once this obsession with the body goes, you will revert to your natural state, spontaneously and effortlessly. 23

Drop the false ideas first and watch. After what keeps you stuck goes, you can do whatever you want. You can think the ugliest thoughts and nothing will happen if you know yourself as who you are. It's your identification with the thought that causes the thought to be true. 26

The guilt is because you think you're running out of time and you need to change "your" life now. Be patient with yourself because you don't lose any time, just get to that place I'm telling you about and then you can just go back in time if you so wish. All worry is pointless! And there is nothing to fear, things just happen, do not claim them as yours for a while. Unclutter your mind, it becomes your servant after you've freed it enough. 27

She (Vanessa) will vanish yes, you ask how because you still think waking is more real than a dream. Do your dreams not vanish? Do you wonder how they vanish? They just stop existing all of a sudden when you go into another dream (waking). What if you've lived all your life as Ada and woke up one morning and were suddenly Vanessa with no memory of Ada, would you know anybody vanished? Nope. All you know is who you are right now (because present is all that is), which is Vanessa. 28 Leave poor Vanessa alone, with both her desires and fears, disbelieve you are her until reality becomes self-obvious.

By being your Self you gain the freedom of existing as anything, anytime. You don't lose Vanessa's pretty body if you don't want to stop imagining yourself as being Vanessa with her pretty body. 29

Nothing is lost, awareness just shifts. You can always go back. We're just removing the obstacles that stop you from having this freedom of choice (your identification with this person). You can completely wipe out Vanessa's existence as well. Later if you change your mind, you can make it so that she actually existed again. You are no form, you are formless, the form only is when you imagine there is a form, be your favorite form and dream beautiful dreams :) 30

There is no difference between sleeping and waking, awareness is the background of both. You just think the waking state more real because you've dreamt it over and over and reinforced your belief. They're equally imaginary. Become aware of this and life will forever be a breeze. 31

All depends on you. It is by your consent that the world exists. Withdraw your belief in its reality and it will dissolve like a dream. Cease from looking for happiness and reality in a dream and you will wake up. - I Am That, Nisargadatta Maharaj 17

Your next step will be realizing there is nothing to learn in a dream. You'll find yourself having less and less thoughts, then none at all. Then, only if you want, you will be able to reinstall the mind, now of your choice, and change the dream. 16

Past doesn't come up anymore, memories don't come up anymore after you've ignored (thoughts) & detached yourself enough. They just don't. You can think freely now about being something different. If you can't, don't get mad, don't blame, only know that the one that's doubting isn't you, so the doubts are totally fine to be. They'll be for a while and then they dissolve too, because by ignoring, not getting involved - you forget. And by forgetting not only do you free up so much mental space, but possibilities of what can be, become unnumbered. 36 Anon: Is it okay to feel completely indifferent after learning about this stuff? Like, not feeling as worried about what is playing in front of me since I know its not me Ada: That's the goal. Then become indifferent to the thoughts you get as well. Those aren't yours either. You'll become aware they've dissolved & you can reconstruct the mind however you want because you have no attachment to past beliefs anymore. 33

Even the process is very beautiful... but the very best is when your Self becomes the permanent background instead of Vanessa. Now you always return to Vanessa, later you'll forget to consider her ♡ Dream not of a character who wants and desires, there is nothing to long for — only things to be. 16

To not depend on anything but everything to depend on you is a top state you can grasp with no method. 5 The experience is of being empty, uncluttered by memories and expectations; it is like the happiness of open spaces, of being young, of having all the time and energy for doing things, for discovery, for adventure. A sense of 'there is nothing wrong with me. I have nothing to worry about'. But not one you condition yourself into like you conditioned yourself into a body, it is one that naturally and effortlessly dawns on you by itself when you reject all else, because it is your natural state. 34 Real freedom and real love only emerge when you're not identified with a transient ego. 35

All you are doing is becoming lucid. Becoming able to control the dream. You won't be able to, unless you step out of it. That is, stop thinking this story you tell yourself is true. When Vanessa is no longer all you are, you'll be able to 'change reality' the way you change the film in a video projector. You'll be able to have as much fun in the play as you want to, change it when you no longer want this one specifically. The emotions of the character are fun and welcomed, because they no longer imprison you, there's the background of love to it all - that once you gain, it can't be lost, it's ever present. 36

What you are identified with materializes. If you are not, it disappears. 37

Just let go of the ego, that’s how simple it is. All you need to fix is your wrong identification. There isn't anyone who couldn’t materialize anything right now if he or she would just let go of identifying as the limited body. 38

Only by letting go of all do you gain everything. But once it's done, it's done irreversibly. Fear is no more, control is fully yours. You are free, completely. And with the bliss of freedom no human pleasure compares. You become full love, full power. The absolute and only power. Sooner or later, you will arrive at the same conclusion. You can't stop being what you are, all else can stop existing, but you can't. The only thing you have a choice in is delaying seeing it by thinking you are this or that. Only see it (I Am), then you can imagine whatever you want and it will be. 39

If you project the world, it is within your power to change it. But you must stop identifying yourself with it first. Go beyond, then you have all the power to destroy and recreate. All everybody wants is to be free, but to do that you must know two things: what you are to be free from and what keeps you bound. 2

Your own self is your ultimate teacher, the outer teacher is merely a milestone. It is only your inner teacher that will walk with you to the goal, because he is the goal. - Nisargadatta Maharaj 40

Got more questions? Recommended reading:

Ada's recommended guides on realizing Self: 1, 2, 3

My recommended posts from Ada*: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

All references from the remix post

Books: I Am That by Nisargadatta Maharaj** and Keys to The Ultimate Freedom by Lester Levenson

*in addition to the sources linked in the post **a lot of her posts incorporate quotes and excerpts from this book, moreso than Lester Levenson's Keys to The Ultimate Freedom and she also shared a lot of excerpts from the book

What does this look like when applied?

Experience is the best teacher and learning from other's experiences and how they applied this knowledge can be really valuable and insightful. I don't define success based on materialising things necessarily although that is one result of realizing Self.

From 4dbarbie students: see the tag

Other: 1, 2

Okay, what to do after reading all this?

Apply apply apply. Don't wait, nothing will happen by waiting. There is only now. Inquire who is causing trouble and to whom. You can't think yourself into realization. 'You' are beyond the mind. You are the creator of the mind. It must be experienced.

#remix #4dbarbie #nonduality #non duality #nondualism #non dualism

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lavenderlyncis · 8 months

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Join me in reviewing Olivia Rodrigo's album GUTS. I've waited years for this!!

all-american bitch - 9/10, big fan. I love it when she screams because the world is unfair. same girl, same

bad idea right? - 10/10. I know this one is controversial but I LOVE her more punky songs, I think that's when she's best

vampire - 10/10. I'm not always a fan of piano ballads, but the bridge and outro really make it for me. The hurt turning into anger and despair is just so cathartic. And the video is one of my faves of all time

lacy - 1000/10. What the hell. Did not expect to feel this much emotion from that title. Uhhh... yeah, same. I super relate to that. Whether or not lacy is supposed to be a real person or a manifestation of the beauty standard, this hits. Also, idk if I'm making this up but I dig the romantic undertones, they sell it

ballad of a homeschooled girl - "I made it weird, I made it worse"/10. OLIVIA HOW DID YOU KNOW that I lie awake thinking about all the weird things I did and said, Olivia, did you write this for me specifically??? Every day I am alive IS social suicide. I'm sorry, this is my song, actually. "Can't think of a third line", she's so real

making the bed - "I'm playing the victim so well in my head"/10. How. Does. She. Do. It? I could write an entire essay about this song. Maybe THIS is my song?? She's so good at saying exactly how I feel. I already know that this song will play a million times on my phone. Also I love the drivers license references. Big fan of the making the bed metaphor

logical - 9/10. favourite crime vibes. She's good with these songs about bad relationships. Used to be my favourite thing she did, but now I'm more invested in the songs that are about her/other experiences. That being said this song is really fucking good. This is the Olivia I fell in love with and she's still amazing at doing piano ballads

get him back! - 9/10. Olivia having ANOTHER song with speak-singing where she wants to get back with her ex?? Yes, PLEASE. Bad idea right 2.0. Fucking obsessed

love is embarrassing - 10/10. I said it before I'll say it again, angry Olivia is the best. And she's right, love IS embarrassing as hell

the grudges - 10/10. She does the paino ballads SO WELL. I think this is my favourite one on here. Because, wow, yeah, that is how it is

pretty isn't pretty - i can't rate this/10. GOD, I love it when she talks about insecurities. And don't think I don't see that skipping lunch line. It's sp hard to articulate how this song makes me feel. Especially since I've been low key comparing myself to her, even though we have entirely different bodies and faces. It's nice to know she also struggles with this. And she's right, you could do literally anything to change your appearance and you'd still be unhappy

teenage dream - 100000/10. "Is it recording? Of course it is.", the way I gasped. Okay, I love the interpretation of it ending with a child to be about growing up and childhood innocence. But the line she says?? Especially combined with the meaning of the song it feels a lot like it's about taking away youth by recording it and putting it out there just like she was supposed to be everyone's teenage dream as a child actor and young musician. This feels so personal to her while also being relatable to others. I'm 19 too, Olivia and I are born in the same year. And this is exactly how I feel about growing up. I hope it gets better, my teenage years were crap, I'm tired of being young, but it's also the only thing I can hold onto. I'm honestly terrified of turning 20. But hey, Olivia did it, so... it'll get better, right?

#i should probably stop trying to give songs numbers #they're all perfect to me #or2 #olivia rodrigo #guts olivia rodrigo #or

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sweetbans29 · 24 days

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Be Here - CC

Pairing: Caitlin Clark x Reader

Summary: 3 times you pull Caitlin out of her head

Warnings: fluff, suggestive content, not in any sort of timeline order

Word Count: 3.5k

Sweetbans Masterlist

AN: Hello again! This is going to be a part of a small series, I hope you enjoy!

one.

You were over at Caitlin's apartment working on homework. It is silly to think about her doing schoolwork when she is just about to head out for March madness but even the biggest stars still have to do math.

You are locked into writing an essay when you hear her huffing and puffing. You glance over at her to see she looks beyond frustrated. She doesn't notice your gaze on her as she grabs her eraser and violently erases her answer for the 3rd time. When she sets down the eraser she gives the problem yet another try. Your gaze never leaves her as her tongue starts to peak out signaling her focus.

A smile creeps to your lips as Caitlin lets out another huff and puff and throws her pencil up in defeat. Her head hits the page she was just working on and you take the moment to lean over and give her back a little rub.

"I have been on the same problem for the last hour," she groans once she feels your touch. You let out a little laugh. "It's not funny!" She says as she sits up and looks like she is ready to throw in the towel.

You feel bad for your girl and put your hand out asking for her to pass over the problem she was working on. She debates whether she wants to figure it out on her own or if she will give in and allow your help. After a moment, she picks up the page and hands it to you. Following the page, she comes and sits next to you looking down at the problem she could quote word for word.

You skim over the problem and ask, "What have you been trying?" Handing her the problem, you watch as she goes about solving the problem in front of you two. She lets out another adorable puff and takes the paper back like a 10-year-old boy.

She begins working on the problem and you watch her trying to figure it out yourself. You can see where she starts to go wrong and you kiss her shoulder.

"You are overthinking it babe - look here," you say pointing out where she starts to go the wrong way with the problem. You grab the pencil from her hand and kiss her shoulder again trying to get her out of her head. You circle where she starts doing the wrong thing and proceeds to write out the path she should be taking to solve the problem. This just makes her more frustrated that you were able to solve it in a fraction of the time she was.

She lets out a puff and moves further away from you. You notice the small move and lean over to kiss her shoulder again, causing her body to betray her and she shudders.

"Get back over here," you say as you wrap your arm around her torso and bring her back to your side. "You got this," you hand her back the pencil and the paper and let her continue with the small change you made to help guide her in the right direction.

Grabbing the pencil, she continues the problem. After another minute she finishes it and just sits there. You know she is still frustrated. You also know that she is like a kid when she gets frustrated and can easily be pulled out of it with a few little tickles.

Your hand touches her arm and makes its way over her shoulder and down her side. She is too stubborn to make anything of it as she flips the page and continues on the math she didn't want to do in the first place. As your fingers make their way to the bottom of her shirt, you remove your laptop from the bed. Your palm lays flat across her stomach and you begin your attack. Kicking your leg over her, you straddle her as your fingers get to work.

Within seconds, you have her squirming beneath you, begging you to stop.

"Babe! Babe!" She pleads you you between laughs. Her hands trying to grab a hold of yours to stop the torture she would say she's enduring. After a few more minutes, Caitlin gets fed up with being on the bottom brings her leg up hooking under yours, and seamlessly flips you. She takes your surprise to her advantage, grabbing your wrists and pinning them above your head. It is your turn to let out a gasp.

You look up at her with a surprised but knowing face. It surprised you it didn't come to this sooner, typically she only lasts about a minute being tickled before she turns the tables. The knowing comes from where this is going. You give her a smile and try to wiggle your wrists out of her grasp.

"We need to get back to studying," you say but she still doesn't budge. Instead, she shakes her head and leans down to kiss your cheek and then your neck. You lift your head providing her more access, still trying to get your wrists out of her hold.

"I have a better idea," Caitlin says as her lips finally make their way to yours.

two.

It was Iowa's first home game of the season and you were beyond excited to go and watch Caitlin play. You thought it would be fun to have some friends over to get ready and then head to the game all together. As they started to arrive, you blast some music and break out the snacks. Most of your time before the game isn't spent getting ready, but rather talking about everyone's week and driving into the snacks.

You finish getting ready, checking your fit in the mirror. Of course, you are sporting one of Caitlin's jerseys - not only was it one of your favorite things to wear, but it was also one of your girlfriend's favorite things to see you in.

You take a quick photo of yourself sporting the number 22 and shoot over to Caitlin, telling her that she has got this. She never needed luck when it came to being on the court, her skill spoke for themselves.

Once everyone is ready you all head to the gym. You find seats right across from the team bench and settle in right as they begin announcing the starting lineup. You cheer for each player as their names are announced, yelling a little extra when your favorite player is called out.

You all watch as the game unfolds. It was all in all a great game but in the last quarter you can see Caitlin getting stuck in her head. She gets a little more feisty when things don't go the way she wants them to. It comes with her competitive nature. A part of her that you love but isn't always the easiest to navigate.

When the final buzzer rings, the final score has Iowa at a loss of 76-81. You can't see Caitlin's face but you can tell by her body language that she is stuck in her head. Your group makes its way down to the floor and waits for the team. As the team starts heading out from the locker room, you look around for Caitlin.

After looking for about 20 minutes, you start to worry. You see Kate and ask her if she has seen your girlfriend. She mentions that she saw Caitlin exit the locker room before she did. That was odd as Caitlin is typically the last person to leave the lockers. You thank her and continue looking around.

Another 10 minutes pass and you see someone sitting on the ground. You let out a sigh, knowing exactly who it is, and make your way over to your favorite person.

She is staring out with a blank face. You were expecting some sort of version of this when you started to keep track of how many shots Caitlin missed. It wasn't a typical game but this just proved that she is human. Coming up to her, you know there is nothing you can say to make her feel better. So instead of pulling her up and telling her to shake it off, you take a seat next to her. You hear her sigh but nothing is said. You both just sit there and watch the floor slowly empty itself.

It gets to the point where there are only a few people left, all of whom you think are employees of the school. You slowly make your way to your feet and grab Caitlin's bag. You then offer a hand to her which she takes. As you are about to let go of her hand, she intertwines her fingers with yours. You bring her hand and place a kiss on the back of her hand and follow it with three little kisses as a way of saying you love her.

When you get back to your apartment you put Caitlin's stuff down and let her go into your room to shower. As she is in the shower you decide that a batch of brownies would be exactly what you want if you were where she is.

Grabbing the ingredients you begin prepping your kitchen. Caitlin walks out right as you are measuring the dry ingredients. She has a towel in hand as she is drying her hair. She comes around behind you and wraps her arms around your torso, leaning into you.

"Mmmmm, brownies?" She asks as she dips her finger in the melted chocolate you had on the counter.

"Hey! Those are for the brownies!" You gasp as you try to move the chocolate bowl away from her so you can finish mixing the dry ingredients. You whisper 'chocolate stealer' which earns a chuckle from your girlfriend.

Even with the little playful banter, you can tell she is still not completely out of her head yet. She makes her way around the island to take a seat and watch you make your world-famous brownies. As you finish with the mix, you pour the batter into a pan and hit it on the counter to get all the bubbles out. You then pass Caitlin the spoon to lick, knowing it is one of her favorite parts of watching you bake.

Once the pan is in the oven, you take to washing the dishes and then pulling Caitlin onto the couch. You know she wouldn't care what you put on but in the state that she's trying to shake, you put on her favorite - Ted Lasso.

About halfway into the episode, you hear the timer go off. You untangle yourself from Caitlin and make your way to remove the brownies from the oven. Once you do, you take a fork to the center (many people's unpopular opinion but you are out here living your best life and trying to help Caitlin live hers too). You bring a bite over to her, blowing it off to cool it down a little.

She takes the bite and her eyes close, knowing it is healing her soul. A smile builds on her face as she opens her eyes. She points to the pan and gestures for you to bring it over. You let out a laugh and shake your head no.

"It just came out of the oven, it is way too hot," you say knowing that is the exact opposite of what she wants to hear. Not saying a word, she looks up at you with a little pout. You playfully roll your eyes and lean down to kiss her forehead. As much as you think it is a bad idea, you give in and grab the pan of brownies. She sits up on the couch and crosses her legs. You place the pan on a towel to not burn her or the couch and give her the fork. She goes to town on them, occasionally groaning at the chocolatey goodness she is indulging in.

Once she is finished, she places the pan on the coffee table and lays down, placing her head in your lap. You begin to stroke her hair. Looking up at you she mumbles, "Thank you."

You look down at her with a light smile, "It is my genuine pleasure."

You know the thank you is for more than the brownies. The thank you is for sitting in the gym with her and bringing her home safely without trying to force her to feel better. It is for making sure she is taken care of and loved even when she finds it hard to do that for herself. It's for being you.

A smile continues to play on your lips as you lean down and kiss her on the forehead, playing with her hair and continuing to watch Ted Lasso.

three.

Caitlin's birthday is approaching and you know something is bugging her but she hasn't said anything to you abut it yet.

The two of you are hanging out, running some errands on a Friday morning when you sense that she is stuck in her head. This happens every once and a while, typically they are things that she can shake but you have noticed she has been a little more preoccupied than previous times.

As the two of you are grocery shopping, you nudge her arm and ask her, "What's going on in that beautiful head of yours?"

"Nothing, I'm fine," she replies - lies, you think to yourself.

"Okay...well we should start talking about what you want to do for your birthday as it is right around the corner," you say as you pick up some apples. You continue, "Since you won't be here the day of, I was thinking we could do something before you head out of town for your away game." A smile is on your face as you try to get her mood up.

"Ya, sure, whatever," she says as she looks at some dried fruit. You are a little hurt by the response but don't let it show. You know her birthday isn't the biggest deal to her but you love celebrating her and every year she has let you do so to your heart's content. So what was different about this year?

You decide to drop the topic for now and finish your errands without further digging her into the hole inside of her head. When you get back to your joint apartment you decide you just want to plan something small for her this year with the two of you. Nothing too big but still satisfying your desire to celebrate her.

Over the next few days, you get to planning her pre-birthday celebration. Several different ideas come to mind, unsure of what to choose. You decide on a nice dinner at her favorite restaurant then heading back for a lazy evening with all of her favorite movies. As you are making reservations and thinking about what to get her as a gift you struggle. She doesn't need much and you got her a necklace last year. Not wanting to repeat that, you need to figure something out that she will love.

"Hey babe?" You ask as you want to see if you can get any little hint out of her of what she could possibly want.

She looks up at you with a hum.

"I am planning a little birthday thing for you, just the two of us, and want to get your thoughts," you say.

"Sure," she responds and you proceed to tell her the plan you came up with. When you are finished all she gives you is a little nod and then proceeds to go back to whatever it is that she is doing. This upsets but you take a deep breath and decide to try and get her out whatever sort of funk she is in.

"Caitlin, what's going on?" You begin, moving your laptop aside to sit and face her. "You have been more distant these past few days and I don't know what I have done wrong. Is this about your birthday? I know it isn't the most important thing to you but I love celebrating you and that has never bugged you before. If I am overstepping, please let me know and I will give you space but I need you to talk to me so I know what I need to do," you say.

She looks up at you with tired eyes, tears beginning to build in them. Your eyes go wide as you begin to panic. Your mind goes to the worst - she is going to break up with you. You rack your brain for what could have possibly triggered her wanting to end things but you can't think because you are too busy trying to remain calm. Her hand grabs your shaking one as you wait for her to respond.

"You are perfect," is all she says as she brings your hand to her lips.

A tear escapes down your face and you use your other hand to quickly wipe it, hopefully without her noticing. You failed in your attempt as her whole mood shifts once she sees you are crying. She drops your hand and brings you into a hug.

"If I am overstepping, I will step back - we can work out whatever you are feeling but please talk to me Cait, I don't want to lose you," you say holding back sobs that threaten to escape your lips. She squeezes you even closer to her chest as her heart begins to break. It was never her intention to get you thinking that she doesn't want you.

"Oh baby, I am not breaking up with you," she says as she gives you a little rock back and forth.

"You're not?" You say as you let a sob escape and allow yourself to be held.

"No babe. That isn't even close to the reason I have been stuck in my head. I am so sorry that is where your mind went but you can't get rid of me that easily," she says trying to lighten the mood a little. She continues. "I know you love celebrating me and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love that you are working around me being away for a game but if I am honest, the only thing I want is to be with you on my birthday and that isn't possible this year."

The second she says it, you jerk away from her and look at her. She looks a little defeated and sort of embarrassed that was the cause of her being stuck in her head while being with you but she can't help it, you are the only thing she wants.

"That's what this has been about? Not being with you on your actual birthday? You are adorable," you say and lean in to give her a kiss. That then sparks the perfect gift that you can think of to make this all go away - but you were going to let Caitlin sweat a little longer considering she had you thinking that she was going to break up with you. You also had to make the proper arrangements to make it all work out.

After that conversation, you both settle on your original plan of dinner and a night of movies. You promise her that you will do something with the team when everyone gets back and she seems a little more herself when you say that.

Time passes and it gets to the dinner reservation you made. You are both getting ready to make your way out. You check your purse to ensure you have her gift.

Once at the restaurant, you enjoy a beautiful 5-course meal with the perfect wine pairings. The meal was absolutely delicious. When planning the dinner you reached out to the restaurant and planned a special dessert for the evening. As you wait for it, you decide it is the perfect time for her to open her gift. Reaching into your purse you pull out a card and hand it over to her.

She takes the envelope and asks what it is. You laugh at her and tell her to open it to find out. She obliges and you wait for her reaction.

Opening the card it takes her a moment to process what she is seeing and reading. Her head whips up to you with wide eyes.

"You're coming to my game?" She asks looking happier than a kid on Christmas. You nod with a smile.

"It was the only logical thing to get you after that oh-so-serious talk, it was a no-brainer," you say. She begins to stand and you do as well. You meet in the middle in a hug and she whispers 'thank you' in your ear. You give her an extra little squeeze.

As you both sit down, Caitlin can't shake the smile that this gift has brought her. You sit across from her and admire how stunning she looks and are grateful that she is all yours.

AN: Please let me know what you think! I have a few of these in mind. And as always, thank you for your love and support 🤍

#caitlin clark #caitlin clark x reader #iowa wbb #iowa hawkeyes #caitlin clark imagine #22

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luvyeni · 3 months

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10 DAYS TO FALL IN LOVE — chapter 8. jays party !

word count. 0.8k+ content warning. drug usage, mentions of alcohol, angst, jake is lowkey dumb

You sat in your seat legs folded — jumi in your lap as you typed away at your computer trying to finish the essay. You sighed, stretching as jumi began to meow. “You hungry baby?” you picked her up, sitting her on the floor. “Let’s go get you some food.” You stood up, walking out the room, your cat following behind.

“Here you go girl.” You sat her bowl down, giving her a head pat — your phone began to ring. “Okay baby eat your food.” You made your way back to your room.

You assumed it was heeseung because he was a supposed to call — and you definitely kept looking at your phone, but you lowkey frown when you realize it was his number. “what do you want sunoo.”

“Now why are you answering the phone like that?” He said before you heard hanni in the back muttering something about it not being the time. “dumbass.” You heard her say much clearer showing that she now had the phone. “we need you to come get us, your car is out the shop right?” Your friend said — you had forgotten all about your car since heeseung started driving you. “yeah.”

“Well then hurry, jungwon was our designated driver, but dumbass went and got himself drunk.” Sunoo shouted over the music. “okay here I come, make sure he’s okay.”

You search for your keys, grabbing your shoes, before making your way to your parking garage to your car to go save your friends.

You knew where jay lived, and the drive wasn’t far so you got there quickly, jumping out of the car to go find them. “yn!” you heard hanni’s voice, you turned and they were running over to you. “we lost him.”

“You what?” you shouted. “we were waiting and he complained about going to the bathroom, so we let him.” The girl explained. “and now he’s somewhere in the house.” you didn’t plan on going into the house, but it looks like you were now. “Im gonna kill him when I find him.”

You all make your way into the house , splitting up to find your friend. Making your way into the kitchen to see if was in there. “yn?” you turned thinking it was jungwon, your face dropping once you saw who it was. “Leave me alone jake.” He looked you up and down at your outfits — you definitely weren’t dressed for a party. “nice sweatpants, your tank top doesn’t match that.”

“Have you seen jungwon?” you asked. “who?” he questioned, you were about to ask him again when you finally saw his eyes — he was high, so there was no way you were getting anything out of him. “nothing move.” You pushed him out the way. “wait , he's over there.” He pointed. “That’s where I seen him with her.”

Thinking he was talking about jungwon you follow his instructions, making your way through the crowd. “jungwon.” You called out — someone bumping into you. “im sorry– yn?” you recognized the voice immediately. “heeseung?”

There he stood, a girl sitting next to him — he immediately dropped her hand. “what are you doing here.” He asked, you looked in between them, and you weren’t stupid. “I could ask the same about you, when jake told me he was over here i thought he was talking about jungwon.” You said. "Jake told you where i was?" he stared at you about to open his mouth when you finally noticed how he was acting and he could barely stand up.

“You’re high.” You scoffed. “aren’t you?” he didn’t say anything. “right, goodbye heeseung.” You went to turn away but he grabbed your hand. “wait yn.” You snatched your hand away. “let me explain.”

“explain what, that you lied to me, told me you weren’t coming here, told me you weren’t gonna get high, that you weren’t hooking up with other girls, made me fall for this bullshit, that you actually changed.” You felt yourself getting upset. “don’t be so dramatic yn.”

“don’t be dramatic?” You questioned. “fucking asshole.” You scoffed. “yeah it’s not a big deal, you knew how I was.” He said. “yeah but you’d promise to change.” He shrugged. “well, who’s fault is that, that you believed me, did I change back then?”

You didn’t even want to fight, he wasn’t even sober so you’d just get no here. “you’re right , that was my mistake.” You said , just as hanni came over. “we found jungwon.” She asset the situation, frowning. “yn?”

“let’s get jungwon and get out of here.” You grabbed her arm , dragging her away. “yn— I don’t want to talk about it.”

You both found jungwon and sunoo outside , jungwon crouched down groaning. “yn!” he shouted once he saw you. “you’re here!” he drunkenly wrapped his arms around you. “oh?” he grabbed your face. “why do you look so upset?” he slurred. “don’t be upset.” He stumbled. “get in the car.” You ignored what he said, helping hum in the car.

The drive to the boys dorm was silent until sunoo spoke up. “what’s wrong yn?” You gripped the steering wheel. “nothing.” You said, he turned to hanni, who just shook her head and it continued to stay silent until they made it home.

You dropped hanni off at her dorm who sat in the front seat almost scared to say something. “he’s an asshole.” She said as you pulled up. “yeah.” Was all you said. “fuck him.” She opened the door. “yeah.”

She quickly touched your arm comforting you, getting out the car. “drive safely.” She waved you off, as you drove away.

You felt the tears streaming down your face as you drove back to your dorms, you hated him so much right now, you hated the fact that you allowed him back into your life just to hurt you again.

You hated that this time you actually fell in love with him.

previous - masterlist - next

— ( TAGLIST: CLOSED )

©️LUVYENI

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paladinbaby · 9 months

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running home

tamsyn muir / plainwater: essays and poetry, anne carson / camp damascus, @drchucktingle / @grasslandgirl / temporary job, minnie bruce pratt / the stream of life, clarice lispector / mirror traps, hera lindsay bird / our curious position, charles bukowski / @heavensghost / @toli-a

[Image Description: Ten images of text.

1: Cream text on a dark brown background. “You were so afraid she might touch you. You were so afraid anyone might touch you. You had always been afraid of anyone touching you, and had not known your longing flinch was so obvious to those who tried it.”

2: “”I suppose you do love me, in your way,” I said to him one night close to dawn when we lay on the narrow bed. “And how else should I love you-in your way?” he asked. I am still thinking about that.”

3: A photo of a page of a book. “I’ve been plodding about through this journey like a disembodied spirit: no family, friends or community left to remind me I actually exist. I was starting to think that I might’ve just disappeared completely, a phantom in some endless loop of unfinished business.

But I’m not a ghost, and someone who knows that has finally caught sight of me. Whether or not I fully recognise him is inconsequential.”

4: “people notice and people care and they’ll help if you let them. (will you let them? will they try to help, next time? what id, one day, they don’t try?)”

5: “Leaving again. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t be / grieving. The particulars of place lodged in me, / like this room I lived in for eleven days, / how I learned the way the sun laid its palm / over the side window in the morning, heavy / light, how I’ll never be held in that hand again.”

6: “I’m restless and harsh and / despairing. Although I do have / love inside me. I just don’t know / how to use love. Sometimes it / tears at my flesh, like barbs.”

7: “there is something wrong with you / there is something wrong with you that is also wrong with me” There is a lot of space between the two lines and they’re both highlighted in blue.

8: Black text on a pale green background. “I think of myself forever sitting upon the edge of the bed”

9: A photo of bright green bushes in the woods. A white subtitle at the bottom reads “You still have time to change”

10: “What’s that quote? There are only two kinds of stories: a man goes on a journey, or a stranger comes to town.” End ID.]

#litstack #web weaving #quotes #anne carson #chuck tingle #charles bukowski #personal #c: lost township #onion

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waterloggedsoliloquy · 6 months

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mutual 1: sorry the update for my webcomic this week is a bit late! i really had to rush it so it prolly looks really sloppy lol [some of the most sophisticated comic art ive ever seen]

mutual 2: call me uterine lining the way astarions cervix got me bleeding profusely

mutual 3: do you think nanowrimo will give me a posthumous pity publishing deal if i mention it in my suicide note

mutual 4: okay fine i finally started revolutionary girl utena

mutual 5: does columbo know the service he did for butch lesbians. for all of us

mutual 6: wish you were here [blurry picture set of conifer woods in early autumn evening, taken as if frantically running down a winding trail]

mutual 4: im pretty hardy i dont need the trigger list but thanks for looking out for me guys

mutual 7: good morning lovelies another day the wizard tried to best me and another day i successfully locked him in the spare bathroom lol hope u like drinking shampoo fucker

mutual 8: here is a zip of every yuri manga scan i have and here is a backup in case i get dcma'd. the himejoshi lifestyle will never die

mutual 9: i wish i could go back in time to the shinzo abe assassination and ask to hold the doohickey

mutual 10: here's my essay on how wanting to be loved is the same as wanting to be eaten. three paragraphs in you'll find out that this is 100% tied to an obscure beauty and the beast manga i've been reading lately and how much i want to fuck the beast

mutual 4: oh thats why there was the trigger list.

mutual 11: YOU CAN'T LOCK ME IN THIS BATHROOM FOREVER

mutual 12: why do i have to defend my thesis to people i dont even respect. im not dickriding you just give me the degree

mutual 13: its just me and this scab ive picked into my scalp against the world

mutual 14: my little dragon got glazed and is ready to go into the kiln! everyone wish him good luck!

mutual 3: nvm i am a beautiful genius. perhaps the most beautiful genius of all

mutual 15: i think we should give david lynch rpgmaker and whatever happens happens

mutual 16: kpeyboaatrds brpokem gpuys

mutual 17: also heres my work in progress glossary of mixtec words! i still have a long way to go but i love being able to preserve my roots even in this small way

mutual 4: i just finished the black rose arc. question: what

mutual 18: i need emet-selch to be my wife

mutual 19: i need glados to be my husband

mutual 20: visited the ocean today!!! <3 beach pics!!! there is a darkness growing within me

mutual 21: the forms for my legal name change came in. pls vote in this poll of what my middle name should be: Dill Pickle (Dickle for short), Optimus Prime, Tumblr User Gorgonicteratologist, Smeve

mutual 22: just finished my 100th book of the year! this weeks read was the uses of enchantment by the psychologist bruno bettelheim,

mutual 23: reeses penis butter cups lol

mutual 4: i need to hunt akio for sport

mutual 24: oouugghhrgh. hot. dog.

mutual 25: your favorite character or fictional other would want you to brush your teeth and wash your face so you're well rested and wake up feeling refreshed! make them proud!

mutual 26: being a delivery driver isnt the worst job ive ever had but i do keep wondering what itd be like to drive off into the wild blue yonder one day and not come back

mutual 27: weird dog? [phone picture of critically endangered stork]

mutual 28: i think the two phone line polls in front of my house are having a lovers tryst. no way to prove it tho

mutual 4: WHAT

mutual 29: while you bitches are balduring your gates or finalling those fantasies im doing what a REAL gamer does. playing a b tier rpg that came out in 2004 for the 18th time

mutual 30: ^ real. hamtaro ham ham heartbreak is a masterpiece of interactive art. im not even going to call it a video game at this point

mutual 4: THAT'S HOW IT ENDS?! ANTHY?

mutual 31: can you help me pick which drawing looks better: 34% overlay or 36% soft light?

mutual 32: new video essay out. its called disability in video game narratives: final fantasy 14's most reliable fault. i churned the script out over an all-nighter and my mic crapped out halfway through but by god i did it

mutual 33: my new zine bundle is out! if you buy it you also get a discount on all my game jam games! i really cant wait for you to play them!

mutual 4: yall should watch revolutionary girl utena

#cecil drawls #long post #i love you guys

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dootznbootz · 6 months

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Odysseus was afraid the entire year on Aeaea in the Odyssey.

Content warnings: Rape, Sexual Coercion, Sexual assault, Sex Work, power dynamics, this will also be long as fuck as I talk too much. This is NOT a "Circe the Goddess Hate Post". I call her out but that's it. I tried to keep this neutral but still making a point (Let me know if I gotta put more)

Lots of lovely folks on here have written great essays on what Calypso did to Odysseus as it's soooo blatantly obvious there. It literally states how he cried every day and how he flinched from Calypso, very straightforward on how he was explicitly raped.

But I've noticed that a lot of people are always iffy about Circe's situation (understandably so, it's not so in your face.) She's usually always mentioned in the "Odysseus never cheated! He was raped!" posts but then the evidence is only ever given against Calypso, and then mentioning how you can't say no or disobey the orders of an immortal and how it was in exchange for freeing his men.

WHICH IS ALL CORRECT!!! But!!!

There ARE immortal/mortal couples who genuinely love each other. Dionysus and Ariadne, and Eros and Psyche are examples. Apollo and Hyacinthus. Psyche indeed becomes immortal eventually and in some versions, both Hyacinthus and Ariadne do too. But even while mortal themselves, their immortal lovers still remained respectful and loving towards them and definitely doted on them. There are definitely power dynamics at play here but there's some nuance.

Odysseus and Circe's relationship, however, is very different. We all know he slept with her at the very least once. And that was in exchange for his men being returned to humans. That was the only time it was explicitly stated. With Calypso, it tells you every night he was enchanted and slept beside her. It was the narrator speaking but Odysseus is the narrator now and it's his story. If you think he lied, this probably won't change your mind anyway.

But even if it was a one-time thing, (which isn't the only interpretation and I will have points that talk about others) then why did he stay a year? What was he doing?

I'm doing a deep dive into the year he spent on Aeaea based on evidence in Book 10 and then the beginning of Book 12. Step by step, and honestly I'm writing this for Tumblr, not as a thesis so I will be a bit more casual but still using sources. To me, it's very obvious that he was uncomfortable throughout the text simply based on the language that is used. But it's very subtle and not an outright statement of "He's been crying every day."

BTW, just so we're clear, this is not a "Circe is the root of all evil, etc." type of post.

This isn't meant to villainize her. She's an immortal being and in mythology that changes things. Everybody is morally gray. I genuinely think if we were to ask her feelings on it, she'd probably be like "Oh, yeah! Turned his men into pigs! Strange little man he was." I don't think she gave a flying fuck.

I just simply get pissed tf off when people think Odysseus was fine. It honestly disturbs me how often I'll go on other websites YouTube and see everyone call him a whore and a womanizer. It's sexism at its finest because 1.) "MaN AlwAyS wAnTs sEx" and 2.) women can't rape/coerce. THIS IS SIMPLY TO LOOK INTO HIS FEELINGS ABOUT IT.

This is also only for Homer's Odyssey, using different translations. If you want to discuss this, (I'd be happy to! Just be nice!) DON'T BRING UP ANY OTHER WORKS.

With all that out of the way, come yell with me 🤗

I've read multiple translations, as I know there's going to be bias depending on who's translating. And having done so, each one has basically the same situations described the same so that's nice for consistency. Also, there are some parts in the story that are vague and that we'll never have answers to.

Odysseus first simply sees the smoke from her chimney and then sends his men in, after drawing lots Eurylochus leads half of the men to check out the house. I mentioned here vaguely how the 2 immortals he sleeps with are both introduced while singing and weaving, which could be seen as an enchantment (which to me is most likely. They both possess magic and are goddesses). So I'm just gonna move past that. Just take a peek and come back or just know that enchantment was likely.

Next, I'll see people often joke on Tumblr about how

"Odysseus says that Polites is his best friend yet only mentions him once!"

I think Odysseus mentions his best friend, the one to jubilantly go in first, to show WHY he would go through with this. How much these comrades mean to him. That's his best friend, and there are approximately 20 others who are now pigs as well. Could you knowingly leave one of your best friends to live a life like that knowing you could've done something?

[...]Circe—and deep inside they heard her singing, lifting her spellbinding voice as she glided back and forth at her great immortal loom, her enchanting web a shimmering glory only goddesses can weave. Polites, captain of armies, took command, the closest, most devoted man I had: ‘Friends, there’s someone inside, plying a great loom, and how she sings—enthralling! The whole house is echoing to her song. Goddess or woman—let’s call out to her now!’ So he urged and the men called out and hailed her. She opened her gleaming doors at once and stepped forth, inviting them all in, and in they went, all innocence.

(Fagles, Book 10)

In the Odyssey, it's never mentioned why she turns people into animals. I think they were turned into pigs because, throughout the Iliad and Odyssey, Odysseus is often associated with boars. His men are associated with him, therefore: 🐖 Piggy. From what we know, the lads were just eating her food. With how much Xenia and hospitality are a large part of the story, they probably thought they were safe. They were GUESTS. This is especially welcome after the Cyclops and the Laestrygonians. And it literally says "All innocence". They were simply naive.

Then Eurylochus runs back, so terrified that he couldn't speak at first. He then begs Odysseus to just leave the men behind. Odysseus has shown that he does TRY to save his men when it is truly not reckless to do so.

But I shot back, ‘Eurylochus, stay right here, eating, drinking, safe by the black ship. I must be off. Necessity drives me on.’

(Fagles, Book 10)

Then the famous warning from Hermes. I've seen folks bring this up when talking about this. YES, he is literally commanded by Hermes to not refuse her if he wants his men back in basically every translation. It sounds like Circe was warned as well. When? We don't know, but it sounds like Hermes didn't pick "sides" here.

Strange that he was still like, "Sleep with each other" to both, because he could've been like, "Circe, there's this guy named Odysseus. When he comes to this island, change his men back." But who knows, maybe it was Circe's idea from the beginning and Hermes went along with it. Just food for thought.

Now here’s your plan of action, step by step. The moment Circe strikes with her long thin wand, you draw your sharp sword sheathed at your hip and rush her fast as if to run her through! She’ll cower in fear and coax you to her bed— but don’t refuse the goddess’ bed, not then, not if she’s to release your friends and treat you well yourself. But have her swear the binding oath of the blessed gods she’ll never plot some new intrigue to harm you, once you lie there naked— never unman you, strip away your courage!’

(Fagles, Book 10)

But that doesn't explain why he was there for a year afterward! Nor if he himself was okay with it, which is what I'm trying to delve into as he wasn't.

Also the knife thing? She's still immortal. It was meant to startle her. Her dad is Helios. Odysseus would've been toast, literally.

Also note this exchange wasn't a "Yippee! Hermes says I'm going to get laid!".

...just approaching the halls of Circe, my heart a heaving storm at every step, paused at her doors, the nymph with lovely braids— I stood and shouted to her there. She heard my voice, she opened the gleaming doors at once and stepped forth, inviting me in, and in I went, all anguish now …

(Fagles, Book 10)

Another translation by Ian Johnston, (they all say the same thing essentially but trying to make a point.)

I continued on to Circe’s home. As I moved on, my heart was turning over many gloomy thoughts. After I had walked up to the gateway of fair-haired Circe’s house, I just stood there and gave a shout. The goddess heard my voice. She came out at once, opened her bright doors, and invited me inside. I entered, heart full of misgivings.

HE👏WAS👏SCARED! The tone is solemn and suspenseful. He was just told that without Hermes' help with the root, he wouldn't be able to survive and bring back his men. Circe was dangerous.

He made her swear not to harm him.

Straightaway she began to swear the oath that I required—never, she’d never do me harm—and when she’d finished, then, at last, I mounted Circe’s gorgeous bed …

(Fagles, Book 10)

Please note that she NEVER promised that to his men. His comrades did NOT have moli in their systems. He had no way of truly ensuring their safety in any way from Circe.

He then refuses to eat or speak, literally "lost in grim forebodings". If he "just got laid", then why isn't he happy? Not many men can say that a goddess CHOSE to have sex with them. He did it to get his men turned back. It was an exchange. I don't think Circe is "Evil" so maybe it slipped her mind. Or yes, she could've thought, "Hey, I got what I wanted. He's handsome enough. Homer never shuts up about how hot this guy is He hasn't brought up the pigs yet. I'll just let this play out. Maybe HE forgot. I don't have to do anything." We don't know. But Odysseus probably felt like he got deceived.

"Hey, I did my part of the deal. I slept with you. Now do yours."

She pressed me to eat. I had no taste for food. I just sat there, mind wandering, far away … lost in grim forebodings. As soon as Circe saw me, huddled, not touching my food, immersed in sorrow, she sidled near with a coaxing, winged word: ‘Odysseus, why just sit there, struck dumb, eating your heart out, not touching food or drink? Suspect me of still more treachery? Nothing to fear. Haven’t I just sworn my solemn, binding oath?’

So she asked, but I protested, ‘Circe— how could any man in his right mind endure the taste of food and drink before he’d freed his comrades-in-arms and looked them in the eyes? If you, you really want me to eat and drink, set them free, all my beloved comrades— let me feast my eyes.’ So I demanded.

(Fagles, Book 10)

He doesn't trust her despite what she had told him that he should when they sleep together. He has figured out that while she will not hurt him, his men were not a part of that oath, the men he was trying to protect in the first place.

She is then moved by how they rejoice when they see one another again. While turning people into animals for funsies isn't cool and coercion is fucked up, I think she comes to see this group as not quite friends but I think she did find them entertaining in a way.

This is very strange but I've seen some folks say that since Odysseus was pissed at Eurylochus for still not believing him about Circe is proof that "Oh he was trying to defend her!". Which??? Uh, Eurylochus was literally questioning his leadership as a whole. Calling him reckless and shit. He is captain and he's the King, he can't let that shit slide. The text literally says "Mutinous". Also if I had to sleep with someone I did not want to especially if it was to save my friends and I got called names afterward I'd get fucking pissed too.

Only Eurylochus tried to hold my shipmates back, his mutinous outburst aimed at one and all: ‘Poor fools, where are we running now? Why are we tempting fate?— why stumble blindly down to Circe’s halls? She’ll turn us all into pigs or wolves or lions made to guard that palace of hers—by force, I tell you— just as the Cyclops trapped our comrades in his lair with hotheaded Odysseus right beside them all— thanks to this man’s rashness they died too!

They stay a year. Again it's never stated that Odysseus slept with her that whole time. You could interpret that. (Honestly, I feel Circe would get bored with him? She's a goddess, she's got more important matters than mortal men. And she definitely doesn't love him.)

His men DO have to bring it up that "Odysseus has forgotten his native land." Maybe they thought they could sneak out without her knowing??? I am fucking REACHING but hold on as Telemachus did because he knew Nestor would well, be Nestor and try to coax him with "Have a meal with us! Let me tell you about how badass I used to be in my youth." But to sneak away from a goddess? Without her permission? That won't end too well. Aeolus in the beginning kicked out Odysseus when he tried to ask for another bag of wind. If she didn't want him around, she could literally boot him out. While she didn't force him to stay like Calypso did, she didn't "release" him either.

We don't know if they've been asking for a long time. Odysseus does say to Circe that they have been begging him nonstop, but he could also be saying that to try and convince her. He's good at persuasion. I think while he knew he could rely on her for food, shelter, and good advice, he still didn't feel...SAFE with her. I think he was possibly avoiding her personally.

I think HOW he asks her to leave is important to know as well.

...but I went up to that luxurious bed of Circe’s, hugged her by the knees and the goddess heard my winging supplication: ‘Circe, now make good a promise you gave me once— it’s time to help me home. My heart longs to be home, my comrades’ hearts as well. They wear me down, pleading with me whenever you’re away.’

(Fagles, Book 10)

Throughout all of Homer's works, the characters grasp another's knees when they are desperate and are literally at the other person's mercy. Priam did when begging Achilles for Hector's body back. The man who literally killed his son and was defiling his body by dragging it around. Leodes grabs Odysseus' knees to beg for his life before Ody kills him. If he saw her as a friend, and not a captor, WHY DID HE FEEL THE NEED TO BEG IN ORDER TO LEAVE?! No one, who is in a healthy relationship, has to BEG for permission to leave. Or to "Break up", if you interpret them as still sleeping together.

And even Circe acknowledges that he is there against his will!

‘Royal son of Laertes, Odysseus, old campaigner, stay on no more in my house against your will.

(Fagles, Book 10)

[...]Odysseus, man of many resources, scion of Zeus, son of Laertes, don’t stay here a moment longer against your will

(A.S. Kline, Book 10)

This is probably another reach that you can ignore but the whole "they wear me down", could be trying to appease her. "Look, you're REALLY cool, it's actually my crew that wants to leave hahahah please don't kill them"

I mentioned before how Telemachus snuck away from Nestor but that was simply out of necessity because he needed to go home now. Not rest for the night. NOW. Nestor is just everyone's grandpa. Menelaus kind of talked more but Telemachus is very straight up in "Please I have to go now" and Menelaus immediately got things ready for him. He never has to beg and clasp his knees. Telemachus was never afraid. Menelaus is a fun uncle and Helen is your cool auntie.

Back to Circe! She tells him instructions for the underworld, they were in her bedroom. But that might've been the only way to speak with her. As even Penelope is usually away from the suitors when they are in her halls, Circe may have done the same. The text never states she played hostess physically. If she was hosting in the halls during the day, why did Odysseus wait until night to talk to her? He could've just asked her while she was on her throne in front of everyone. (He did so with the Phaeacians)

Or maybe he went alone because she only swore an oath to not harm him and so he didn't want his men near if she decided she didn't want to let them go. I could be missing something here so feel free to say something. Idk if this was a pride thing on how "I don't want others to see me beg".

She has info he needs in order to go home as well. She tells him to go to the Underworld.

She gave him new fine clothes and put on pretty clothes herself but that doesn't mean they had sex. Nausicaa gave him nice clothes as well but he never slept with her.

Then he leaves. Immediately. Not even doing a headcount as he didn't realize one of his men had died. (That was negligence on his part but he wanted out) He booked it, to the UNDERWORLD BY THE WAY. Circe even had to sneak the animals he needed for the sacrifice. Odysseus even basically said "She's a goddess. She can do things mortals can't" at the end of the book. And it almost feels...Numb? Solemn? Neutral? Gives a "It is what it is" vibe.

But Circe got to the dark hull before us, tethered a ram and black ewe close by— slipping past unseen. Who can glimpse a god who wants to be invisible gliding here and there?

(Fagles, Book 10)

She’d slipped past us with ease, for who can see a god move back and forth, if she has no desire to be observed?

(Johnston, Book 10)

She's a goddess. She has magic. She can do whatever the fuck she wants.

NOW ON TO BOOK 12!!! That was long! GET A SNACK AND WATER! LUCKILY THIS'LL BE SHORTER!

In Book 11, Odysseus swears, upon all his loved ones in Ithaca, to Elpenor that he'd give him a proper burial as he's been "unwept, unburied". So in Book 12, he sails back to Aeaea to fulfill his promise.

But you know what's funny to me?

He didn't tell Circe he was there.

He didn't even go to greet Circe himself. He sent his men to go get Elpenor's body.

The biggest clue that he didn't love/trust her is that if she was his "Affair partner" then why not go see her for "one last night together"?

SHE came out herself and pulled him aside to know what happened and then gave more advice.

I dispatched some men to Circe’s halls to bring the dead Elpenor’s body. [...]

Nor did our coming back from Death escape Circe— she hurried toward us, decked in rich regalia, handmaids following close with trays of bread and meats galore and glinting ruddy wine. [...]

But Circe, taking me by the hand, drew me away from all my shipmates there and sat me down and lying beside me probed me for details

(Fagles, Book 12)

In every translation, it talks about how he sits, and she lounges/lies down. That's not sex 🙃 In some translations, it even says he tried to be with his shipmates but she pulled him away!

So we lay down and slept beside our ship’s stern cables. But Circe took me by the hand and led me away, some distance from the crew. She made me sit, while she stretched out beside me on the ground.

(Johnston, Book 12)

Then, she gives advice about the sirens, Charybdis, Scylla, and her father's Cattle. He tries to ask if he could save all his men. She scolds him for even thinking he could try. He again books it out of there.

I think we all know it wasn't "love". But I think a lot of people think Odysseus was willing and happy with whatever this was. "Friends with Benefits", if you will. I guess you could see it that way but I will say that makes me feel itchy with the whole power dynamic and fear. I don't think folks who have that arrangement have to beg on their knees to ask if they can leave though.

I mean the entirety of Book 10 gives me the vibes of "Laughing uncomfortably because you don't want to upset the other person". To just grin and bear it.

A lot of this was just putting the text here and picking it apart step by step. What you do with this is up to you. It's rambling while banging pots and pans together.

Maybe you see him as drugged the entire year and still sleeping together, as the moli "wore off". Even then, just because her magic can't affect him, there are plenty of natural concoctions that can be created that can affect mortals.

Maybe you see the entire year as sex work in exchange for shelter and food.

Maybe he was just alongside his men the whole time under her roof and was avoiding her after the exchange. After he got asked by his men to finally leave, he would start to walk up to that room only to freeze and turn around, thinking "One more day won't hurt. Should wait until I know she's in a sympathetic mood".

I beg of you, however, PLEASE understand that there was fear and coercion throughout his entirety on Aeaea. He wasn't staying to get laid. While there is so much going on and too many things that are left vague to really know exactly what happened, it is consistent that he was scared/numb. Lots of people go through with things they don't really want to do just to appease others. There are plenty of situations of sexual trauma where one person goes through something and the other has no idea the other person isn't okay. ESPECIALLY WHEN SOMEONE CAN HARM THE PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT AT ANY MOMENT!

Sexual trauma is a very complicated thing and while he was scared, he definitely wasn't as traumatized by her as he was by Calypso. Calypso was a torturous hell while Circe was a year of walking on eggshells. Not comparable but I still think it should be acknowledged. It's wild because I read the Odyssey and kept thinking "Y'all are calling the sex slave a cheater? The guy who slept with a goddess to get his men back? The ultimate simp apparently doesn't love his wife??"

Things I'm adding that shouldn't affect the argument as it is not in the Odyssey but I want to mention as it's a "fun fact": Odysseus' dad was an Argonaut. Laertes probably met Circe as well, (or knew of her) with the whole purifying thing and maybe Odysseus heard his dad tell stories of her. Later myths also have Circe with the habit of turning her crushes (or their lovers) into something with Scylla and Picus.

In conclusion, Yeah, he was afraid of her. At least to an extent. And don't pull the whole "Ancient men didn't get raped". Male victims exist and deserve compassion for what was done to them and women are capable of sexual abuse. If you think otherwise, you are not a true feminist and Fuck you. I said in the beginning this'll be casual and I don't wanna write a fancy ending. You can still think Circe is neat but you have to know that this was fucked up.

If you think a lot of this is bullshit or wanna give more context or wish to yell with me but still know he wasn't alright on Aeaea, cool. If you want to point out mistakes or something I should keep in mind with interpretations then feel free to say so but give text evidence. If you try and bring up the Telegony and/or Madeline Miller's Circe, fuck clean off. This is Homer. If you call Odysseus a whore and not the malewife he canonically is I'll start biting. 😤

#feel free to add thoughts! just be nice #Was a bit afraid to post this but now I don't care lol #I'm a tired bitch #Youtube and idiots on tumblr got me acting up.#This may be too thorough but idc.#idk why the colors get weird #I don't know how other people can see all these things lined up together and not see how he was not okay.#like I said you can still like circe the goddess but know this was wrong!#might make private sometime but fuck it #anti-madeline miller #Circe the goddess is “fine”. Circe the book is not #It sounds like it does her dirty anyways. Odyssey Circe would take book Circe out back and beat the absolute shit outta her.#As another Madeline I'm ashamed.#if you bring up the tele-GONE-y then BEGONE yourself #odysseus #the odyssey #odyssey #circe #tagamemnon #tw rape #tw sa #tw sex assault #crying shaking throwing up #greek mythology #circe rant #odyssey rant #anti madeline miller #anti circe #the BOOK #Mad rambles

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brooooswriting · 11 months

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could you do a sam carpenter x reader sickfic type thing? i haven’t seen any but i was thinking sick!reader who tries to hide she’s sick from Sam but she has like food poisoning or something so she can’t hide it for long (or other way round where sam is sick)

Poisoned

Sam Carpenter x sick!reader

Tara Carpenter x reader (platonic)

“Alright, I’m gonna head out. You sure you don’t wanna come?” Sam called out standing in front of the bathroom door, where you hid from her. Well, that sounds way worse than it should, you were sick and this was sams first night out in months, so you didn’t want to be the reason why she wasn’t going. You’ve had a stomach bug since last night, you had been working all night on your essay as you couldn’t sleep due to pain, when Sam was awake she had to go to work while you tried to get some sleep and as soon as she was home she searched for you, but you stayed in your room as you needed to ‘focus on your paper’ and as she was done getting ready you fled to the bathroom, throwing up for the fifth time today. “Yeah, I gotta shower and then I have to keep working, sorry. But you go have fun, love you” you called out, trying to keep the vomit inside. “Im sorry. Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?” You smiled before quickly covering your mouth with your hand, “yeah, you go have fun” she called out a quick I love you before leaving.

You sighed when she finally left, taking a bucket from under the sink before walking out to the table where you sat down the bucket and your laptop. After 30 minutes of trying to concentrate you nearly passed out on the chair, deciding to lay down on the couch with a blanket and the bucket in your arm. It was now 8:30 pm which meant that you had enough time go get better before Sam came. Oh how you wished you’d get better soon, you felt miserable.

“Oh god, y/n are you alright?” Tara’s voice rang through the living room as she saw you sprawling on the couch, vomiting into the bucket, your face pale and sweaty. “M fine” you grumbled holding your stomach after emptying its containments. “No you’re not. Here, let me get you some water” she quickly got a bottle for you, while you held your stomach in pain. “Since when have you been feeling like this?” She asked and you decided to lie, “I don’t know?” She nodded deciding to grab you some painkillers. “Here, take these. Hopefully they will help you. Where’s Sam anyway?” She asked rubbing your clammy back. “Out with friends” you mumbled drinking some more, hoping that it will reduce the pain. “Want me to get her?” You immediately shook your head, “no, it’s her first night ou…” you stopped and grabbed the bucket throwing up again. “Okay, I’ll change real quick and then come back alright?” You nodded as you started to throw up again, it didn’t seem like you were going to feel better.

After a quick change into sweatpants Tara came back to find you laying on your side, your legs pulled up and your arms wrapped around your stomach. “Anything I can do?” She asked laying a hand on your forehead, quickly realizing how hot you were. The tears in your eyes were so noticeable that Tara decided that she couldn’t deal with this on her own.

“Sam?” She whispered into the phone, “Tara, what’s wrong?” She asked walking out of the bar to hear the younger sibling better. “It’s y/n, she’s ill. She’s constantly throwing up, she’s hot and her stomach hurts. She didn’t want me to call you but I don’t know what to do” her voice was pleading, Tara loved you like a sister but you never were one who showed her pain, so you crying because of pain even after painkillers was too much for her. “I’ll be there in 10” her sister said before hanging up.

The brunette entered the apartment 6 minutes later, running up to you with concern in her eyes. “Baby, what can I do?” She asked when she crouched down next to you, her hand on your cheek. “How was your night?” You asked trying to mask the pain you were feeling, but it was no use. “Stop it! Why didn’t you tell me? I would have stayed and looked after you” she said her thumb stroking your cheek. “It’s your first night off since forever so you should be able to enjoy that, go back to your friends, I just need a bit of sleep and then I’ll be fine” it was a white lie, you knew, Sam knew, Tara knew, damn even the mouse in the wall knew. “Be quiet and go take a quick shower, then we will go to bed” her voice didn’t leave any room for arguments, so you stood up with your arms still around your stomach and went to the bathroom.

By the time you finally pulled all your cloths off Sam joined you in the bathroom also getting rid of her cloths. “Come on, let’s get you washed up” she guided you into the shower, helping you wash your body and hair before quickly washing hers too. “Just stand in the warm water for a minute okay?” She headed out and quickly put on her cloths before returning with a warm towel and some of her cloths. “Here” she mumbled as she wrapped you up in a towel, by now you were suddenly freezing, shivering while she hugged you. “Let’s get you dressed” she kissed your temple before holding her sweatpants out for you and then slipping her hoodie over your head and quickly brushing your teeth.

When you entered the bedroom the smell of mint immediately filled your nose, “I made you some tea and there is a heating pad. I’ve also put down some painkillers but Tara told me that you already took some so you’re gonna have to wait for a bit before taking those. Some crackers are there too but you’re gonna have to decide if eating is a good idea right now. Plus I’ve emptied the bucket and put it down next to the bed” she explained as you two got into bed. “That’s really nice but you really didn’t have to. I should do this stuff for you, you’ve been working so hard lately” you told her, feeling bad for causing her even more work. “I actually like taking care of you more than being with friends without you. So be quiet and let me cuddle you until you feel better” she said with a small smile opening her arms for you. Even after acting unbothered the whole time the only thing you wanted was the comfort you for right now, so you threw yourself into her arms and started crying silently causing her to coo and rub your back. “It’s alright my love. You’re gonna be fine, let’s sleep a bit and then you can take some more painkillers okay baby?” You nodded into her neck before starting to fall asleep to the rhythm of her rubbing your back.

You woke up the next morning with a stomach ache but you hadn’t thrown up the whole night which was a plus and you felt less hot. “Good morning love” you rasped out as you looked up at your girlfriend who was watching you carefully. “How do you feel?” She asked and kissed the top of your head. “Better, my stomach still hurts a bit but otherwise I’m fine” you mumbled rubbing a hand over her abs. “Good, want some medicine? And you should probably eat something soon” she said as she leaned over to grab the water and the medicine before giving it to you. You mumbled a thank you and took the things she gave you before staring at her. “What?” She asked slightly insecure, “hug” you only pouted causing her to laugh but hug you nonetheless.

About an hour and a half later you decided to get up and get ready. You brushed your teeth and changed into a different hoodie that was still Sams. “Y/n, how are you feeling?” Tara immediately asked when she saw you, coming up to you and hugging you, “I’m better, thank you. And also thank you for calling Sam, even though I told you not to” you smiled as you parted.

You stood in the kitchen thinking of what you were gonna eat when somebody appeared behind you wrapping their arms around your waist and a hand carefully holding your stomach. “Should I cook something?” Sam asked as she rested her head on top of yours, “wanna give me food poisoning again?” You joked but nodded nonetheless. “Rude” she laughed but grabbed some eggs before hoisting you up on the counter next to the stove. “Y/n” she said as she cooked causing you to gulp, first name was never a good thing, “next time you aren’t feeling well I want you to be honest about it Alright? I was scared when Tara called me and said that you were ill. You’re my girlfriend and I love spending time with you even if it’s holding your hair while you throw up. I love you and I’d do anything to make you feel better” her voice was serious and showed her concern rather clearly which made you feel guilty. “I’m sorry” you mumbled like a guilty child. “You’re alright honey” she laughed and kissed you.

The rest of the day was spent in bed cuddling, she’d always look out for you no matter how exhausted she was.

#reader insert #brooooswriting #tara carpenter x reader #sam carpenter x reader #sam carpenter x y/n #sam carpenter #sam carpenter x female reader #sam carpenter x you #melissa barrera x reader

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ilovefandoms102 · 1 year

Text

Forbidden

Pairing: Professor!Andy Barber x Plus Size Reader

Summary: It’s your first year of law school and your Criminal Law Professor isn’t anything like you expected…

Note: Huge thank you to @lerrieslovechild for helping me with this!

Warnings🛑: professor!andy, age gap(reader is in her 20s), smut(slight dubcon, dom/sub aspects, unprotected vaginal sex, overstim, spanking)

Part 2

For as long as you could remember, you’d always wanted to be a lawyer. Specifically one that deals with family matters. See, you didn’t grow up in the best environment. Both your parents were drug addicts and were deep into deals with local gangs, mafias, the whole hog. Since you lived in a shitty area, no one looked twice at how your parents treated you.

One thing they could give you was making sure you went and stayed in school. The time your mother showed any kind of parental concern was when it came to your grades. You’re not sure where you got the brains from and had no one to ask since both sets of grandparents were dead.

From a young age, you knew the only way of getting away from this life was busting your ass in school. Your teachers always doted on you, was the top of all your classes, and got a full ride to the best law school. Once you turned 18, you packed your shit and cashed out every single penny of your savings so your parents couldn’t get their dirty hands on it.

You passed your undergrad with flying colors, moving you on to the first year of law school. No surprise, it was hard, but your favorite class had to be Criminal Law. You went in everyday excited to learn, and it wasn’t just because of your super hot Professor.

Professor Barber was probably the hottest man you’d ever seen, not even exaggerating. From his beard, to his huge beefy arms, luscious thighs and even more amazing ass, you were mesmerized. You didn’t let that get in the way of your studies however as I’m sure others did. You actually cared about what you were studying, maybe partly because of the life you had, but you also knew this would be important for your future career.

Your boyfriend, Chad, hated that you had his class. He was in his second year of law school and also had Professor Barber during his first year. Chad also hated how the Professor seemed to make you his star pupil which was a load of shit. You never even spoke to your Professor unless it was answering questions in class or when he handed back your essays and complimented yours. Professor Barber also knew how badly you wanted to be a family lawyer and set you up with some of his connections, another thing Chad hated.

Chad and you had been together almost a year now, but things started changing once he found out your class schedule. He’d become extremely critical of everything you did and became hateful if you couldn’t hang out. Before then, he was really sweet and outgoing. He treated you right, the sex wasn’t the best but he tried, sometimes he’d send you your favorite flowers.

Midterms were coming up and Professor Barber assigned a big reading along with a 40 plus page paper. It wasn’t anything like he’d assigned before, so all your focus was in to this assignment along with the 10 other things from other classes. That’s when it happened…

Andy stared at your paper, confusion flooding his brain as this wasn’t anywhere near acceptable. Your papers were always his favorite to read, you truly had a gift for the world of law. He’d never seen anything like it in his 5 years of teaching. But this…something was wrong and he was determined to find out.

He couldn’t help but take an interest in you. Aside from the phenomenal work you turned in, you were the smartest one in his class. The way you answered questions and actually paid attention to the material made him feel something he’d never felt. He couldn’t lie about how your beauty struck him every time you walked in his class. He tried not to, but Andy couldn’t help sometimes to stare at your curves or think how it would feel to have you under him while he held on to said curves.

It was so wrong he knew, but he couldn’t help it. The passion that you expressed drew him in like a drug. So when he saw you come in the next day, tear stained cheeks, he saw red. It took all his control to not walk up to you and pull you in his arms. Instead he went through the motions of teaching but noticed you weren’t as engaged as normal.

After class, he stopped you and your heart sunk to your stomach.

“Yes Professor?” you asked timidly, looking up at the man towering over you.

“Do you have a class right now?” Andy questioned.

“No sir, I have a gap.” you murmured, trying to look anywhere but his blue eyes.

“Come to my office, I’d like to discuss your paper.” he said with a tip of his head towards the hallway.

He grabbed his bag, gesturing for you to follow him. You nodded and walked behind him, your mind only on what happened with you and Chad.

“Are you taking his cock y/n?!” Chad roared, his finger in your face.

“No! Why would you even say that?!” you screamed back, tears flowing down your cheeks.

“That’s all you fucking do is talk about Professor fucking Barber! Every time I call you you’re doing work for his fucking class! All your free time is spent with him and not me your fucking boyfriend!” he seethed, the anger in his voice terrifying you.

You cowered back until you hit a wall, Chad charging into your space.

“Stop it Chad!” you sobbed.

“Stop crying like a little bitch and admit what you did!” Chad growled.

“Get out!” you screamed, shoving his chest back.

After some more screaming, Chad finally stormed out of your apartment. You laid in bed that night crying yourself to sleep.

“Y/n? Honey?” Andy shook your shoulder lightly, snapping you out of your thoughts.

“Sorry Professor,” you mumbled, tucking a piece of hair behind your ear.

“Take a seat.” Andy offered, pointing to the seat across from his desk.

You sat of course, laying your bag on the empty one next to you. Nerves bundled in your stomach as you looked at the handsome man. He stood in front of you, leaning back against his desk. He looked so damn sexy, yet casual if drove you nuts.

“Is everything ok? This paper…well y/n this is nothing like you usually write so I’m concerned.” Andy started gently.

“I-” you started, your voice croaking as tears resurfaced.

“Sweetheart, you can tell me. You’re safe here, it’s just us.” Andy whispered, daringly moving a stray hair from your cheek.

“I’m sorry Professor Barber, I just…I know it’s not my best. I’ve had a really bad past few nights it just-I-I know it’s not an excuse.” you blubbered, crying right in front of your Professor.

“Hey, hey, don’t cry, it’s alright honey. It’s alright. Tell you what, I’ll help you. Come to my place after your classes, then you can turn it in again, but that’ll be your final grade.” Andy said, your eyes widening.

His place?

Your Professor-your very, very HOT Professor wanted you to come over?

“I-I’m not sure.” you sniffled, glancing up into his eyes.

“I’ll give you my number, text you my address.” he whipped his phone out, handing it to you.

Stupidly, you typed your number in. Were you really about to do this? Logically, you could use his help, and you’d be lying if you said you didn’t want to go to his place. What you weren’t prepared for is the moment everything would change…

You knocked on his door, biting your lip as you thought about running back to your car and going home. At the same time, you wondered what this night with your teacher would bring. He opened the door, his sexiness upping by a gazillion since he’d changed out of his usual suit into jeans and a long sleeved tshirt, a chain hanging from his neck that you wanted to grab on to. A chain you could see dangling above you as he fucked you silly.

“Hey sweetheart, come on in.” Professor Barber smiled, stepping aside to give you room to walk in.

“Thanks again for helping me Professor-” you started.

“Andy, call me Andy outside of school baby.” he said softly.

Andy…

Baby…

“Ok, um Andy. Thank you for giving me another chance and offering to help.” you smiled a bit, getting out your laptop from your backpack.

After hours of writing, Andy looking over it, editing and talking all things Crim Law, you were finally able to resubmit your paper. Andy deemed it perfect and that you two should celebrate with a drink. He pulled out his finest whiskey, pouring you both a shot.

“To the amazing y/n.” he grinned, clanking his glass to yours.

“Not sure about that.” you giggled, throwing the shot back.

Andy set about making you an actual drink, throwing that smirk at you that made your clit throb. God you wanted him so bad, and the alcohol didn’t help. Especially when he handed it to you and you clumsily spilt it all over yourself.

“Oh shit, you ok?” Andy asked, grabbing some towels to try and save your drenched clothes.

“Yeah, I’m so sorry.” you whispered, embarrassment flooding through.

“Baby, nothing to be sorry for. You can borrow something of mine and I’ll throw your stuff in the wash.” he offered, taking your hand and guiding you to his room.

Andy handed you one of his shirts, showing you to the bathroom while you changed. He hoped like fuck he wasn’t messing this up, the itch to touch you was driving him insane. Watching you work made his cock achingly hard, he almost had to excuse himself so he could jack off to the dirty thoughts he had in his mind.

He stopped breathing when you walked out, swallowed up in his shirt. All his control went out the window as he prowled to you, picked you up, and tossed you on his bed. A startled shriek escaped as you landed roughly, gulping when Andy pulled his shirt off. His jeans went next before he finally put a knee in the bed, crawling up to you.

“Andy-” you breathed, putting your hand to his chest.

“Tell me you don’t want this.” he growled, heat soaring through your body as you stared up at the beautiful man.

When you didn’t answer, Andy took that and slammed his lips to yours. You couldn’t control the whimper that flew out as you tangled your tongue with his, your hands taking that time to explore the muscle and ridges of his back.

“Fuck, really wanna eat you baby but we’ll have to save that for later.” Andy grunted, yanking his shirt off you.

“Later?” you squeaked, shivering when he nodded his head.

You didn’t have time to even think about being exposed to him, you were so hot and bothered and extremely tuned the fuck on. Sitting up, you threw your bra off while Andy took care of your panties.

Andy yanked you down to the end of the bed, spread your legs, and viscously thrusted inside you. The pain of his cock shot through you yet it felt so fucking good, your back arched from the bed as a pathetic moan rang out into his room.

“Christ baby, so fuckin’ perfect. Look at you, so wet and fucked out already.” he smirked while savagely slamming into you.

“Andy!” you squealed, pleasure spiking way to fast, faster than you’d ever felt.

You could feel it coming, you recognized the feeling yet you’d only ever been able to do it to yourself. This would be your first orgasm during sex, and your Professor was about to give it to you in a way you’d never forget.

“You gonna cum already sweetheart? We just got started.” Andy grinned, holding your hips tighter as he pounded in faster.

“An-Andy I-I’m gonna-” you gasped as your whole body tightened, your orgasm sweeping over you.

Andy smiled menacingly as he watched you, the most beautiful woman lose it taking his cock. He didn’t plan on stopping anytime soon either as he flipped you over, smacking your ass harshly as he pulled you up to your knees.

“All mine now baby, my little slut to do whatever I want with.” he growled, laying another smack to your ass.

You whined against the sheets, shakily pushing up on your hands as you looked over your shoulder. Andy stared into your eyes as he stuffed his cock back into you, watching your eyes roll back as your head fell forward. He reached around, finding your clit and rubbing just as harshly as he hammered into your sore pussy.

“Andy, it’s too much!” you sobbed, another orgasm crashing over.

“Mmmm I know my baby can take it.” he hummed, continuing his movements while you could only sit there and take it.

Orgasm after orgasm, your last one with you on your back with your legs over Andy’s shoulders when he finally let go and planted himself to the root. You were so gone with pleasure you didn’t get to watch, and you secretly hoped there would be a time you could.

Andy was careful with his baby, cleaning her up and tucking her into his side. The two of you shared lots of gentle kisses until you passed out with your head on his chest. Andy finally felt like he’d found the person he’d been looking for, and he was going to do whatever it took to keep you.

#andy barber smut #andy barber x plus size reader #andy barber fic #andy barber x you #andy barber fanfiction #andy barber x y/n #andy barber x reader #andy barber fluff #andy barber angst #andy barber #plus size reader #chris evans smut #chris evans x plus size reader #chris evans #chris evans beard #chris evans fic #chris evans character fanfiction

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4dbarbie-archive · 9 months

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4dbarbie remix: How to let go of Vanessa

My notes: This is basically a TLDR version of my first 4dbarbie remix post How to realise Self. My original intention for that post was actually to make something like this, a really straightforward (and short lol) practical guide on how to let go of the ego in order to realize Self that I could refer to and apply on a day to day basis. It ended up being a long essay (it was over 3000 words aha) as I decided to go through all her posts and answered asks and found a lot of important information to include so it sort of became more of an educational post (which I'm glad to have made and it helped me understand everything better too!). So anyway, here it is. Pretty much all of the below information was taken from my How to realise Self post (besides the suggested exercises section at the bottom) - I just extracted the more practical guidance outside the explanations to make it.

My personal notes and highlights are in pink for main points and purple for 'action' points.

Stop thinking you are Vanessa, the thoughts of needing this or that drop away. To change, you need to give up this conviction of being this person. You need to disbelieve. 2 A lot of beliefs are subconscious. "I am a body", "I am Vanessa", "There is a world" are all subconscious, automatic beliefs. Upon investigation you can get rid of any belief (by making them conscious and then dropping them). 14 How do you drop a belief? (see part 1 and part 2)

All you need to do is detach from this form during the day, let life happen as it happens while reminding yourself it's a dream, a dream that doesn't have to be yours. 3

Leave your mind alone, that is all. Don't go along with it. 5 Thoughts will keep on coming for a while, just now you know they have nothing to do with you. Get into a habit of watching, letting them be but not identifying with them. If you can observe them, it means you are not them. 6

Step away and look (observe). The physical events will go on happening, but by themselves they have no importance. It is your mind alone that matters. When you identify yourself with them, you are their slave, you think you have to act on them. When you stand apart, you are their master 7

Just stop taking the thoughts you don't like for truth or reality. There is no convincing involved, it is all letting go. 8 Doesn't matter what the thought is, leave it alone, ignore it BUT not by force of will, just indifference 9

Start letting go bit by bit, just to see what happens. You won't start "acting crazy" just because you become uninterested in thoughts, I promise 10

You don't need to convince yourself they're unreal, just dismiss them (your thoughts) as not yours. They will disappear more and more through your newfound indifference, then their physical counterparts will, too. Detachment is by doubt and indifference. First you start doubting "the facts", then you become indifferent to the facts, lastly there are no facts anymore and you can establish your own. 9

All you need is to get rid of the tendency to define your self. All definitions apply to your body only and to its expressions. Once this obsession with the body goes, you will revert to your natural state, spontaneously and effortlessly. 4

Be patient with yourself because you don't lose any time, just get to that place I'm telling you about and then you can just go back in time if you so wish. All worry is pointless! And there is nothing to fear, things just happen, do not claim them as yours for a while. Unclutter your mind, it becomes your servant after you've freed it enough. 11

Reminder: This body and this world are not forced onto you, they exist through your identification with them. Not yours, remember? Repeat. Not yours. You won't lose your mind, you'll only lose your misery. After you've detached, you'll easily shift to as many realities as you want - don't put any on a pedestal of desire, they are equal. See this world and the body as not real first. What is true is only what I AM is identified with, right now this body which is not in that TV show (referring to anon's desire). Correct this first by letting go of thinking it's you. 12

Suggested exercises (not required if you don't want to do it!)

1. Sitting in silence & just being with no thoughts - The whole point of sitting in silence is to realize what you are, pure beingness. Awareness only becomes consciousness when it has an object. The object changes all the time. In consciousness there is movement; awareness by itself is motionless and timeless, here and now. 4

2. Start doubting you'll wake up as Vanessa tomorrow - Not to get it, but consider it actually… What if… I wake up tomorrow and I realize an entire life has been just a dream?! Equal to the one I dreamt last night?! What if you wake up and realize it all was a nightmare that you THOUGHT went on for years and it's just been a few hours... even get scared and terrified about that thought. Better than getting scared about non-reality.

WHAT IN THE WORLD?! That never was... but I felt it so real, I swear I was her?! Yet here you are, awake, and the dream never was.

Do it like that. Doubt that it's anything but a dream as much as possible. 13

Sources:

Citations: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

In-text links: 1, 2, 3, 4

#remix #4dbarbie #nonduality #non duality #nondualism #non dualism

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kitthepurplepotato · 7 months

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My Weird Boyfriend, Midoriya Izuku!

Second Season of My Weird Roommate Midoriya Izuku !

Please read the first season before starting this, otherwise it won’t make sense.

~•🥦•~

Basic info:

- (Almost) Established Midoriya x quirkless female reader

- Other minor relationships: Bakugou x Kirishima, Kaminari x Shinsou (mostly just hints, except if you guys want to see more from them!)

- Warnings: Suggestive, swear words, new warnings on every chapter. I don’t really want to write smut but if it ever happens it will be in a separate chapter and it won’t be important for the main plot! 16+ for now.

- I’ll post as soon as I can but I can’t do it weekly for a while for personal reasons; please read this for more information! Be on the taglist so you don’t miss the new chapters! 🩷

Master List

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

Chapter 0 - Midoriya Izuku tells the truth! (Midoriya POV)

The responsibility of being the number one hero comes to Izuku naturally; it’s like he was born for it, even though it was literally the opposite.

Affection, love and care also in his blood; he grew up in a loving family even without having a father; his mother is the most affectionate, most sensitive person in the whole world and Izuku is proud to say that he inherited all of that from her.

What Izuku has no idea about is… well… putting feelings into words and acting upon them.

Midoriya Izuku knows he is certainly fucked, as Katsuki likes to say, and he knows that one day, karma will bite his ass for taking so much from Sweet Pea without telling her about his own, absolutely not friendly feelings, but he just can’t do it. Sweet Pea is the purest soul in the whole wide world, her heart is nothing but pure gold, her touches feel like heaven, her skin smells like home and Izuku is quite sure Sweet Pea is not actually quirkless she’s just a descendant of an Angel and her quirk is jut her being… well… that.

He can write essays about how perfect Sweet Pea is; he’s not lying about that, he has three notebooks full of notes hidden in his secret room nobody knows about, every page filled with nice things about his lovely roommate, about her morning routine, about all the skincare products she uses before she goes to bed, about what food she prefers to eat and what food she makes only for Izuku but barely touches herself; for instance, when Sweet Pea makes a fruit salad she only eats the berries out of it the leaves the rest of it in the fridge for Izuku to finish. Oh, and every time she makes broccoli, she looks really guilty when she’s eating it and that’s the cutest thing in Izuku’s opinion. Oh and mushrooms; Sweet Pea doesn’t like mushrooms. At all. Oh and there is that really lovely cream she uses right before bed that smells really flowery so every evening, Izuku hides his face in Sweet Pea’s neck to smell it; it took him a bit of time to find the right product in her skincare cabinet and Izuku was horrified to realize the bottle was half empty so he quickly ordered one from Amazon so it never runs out; he was really surprised how ridiculously pricy it was but when the box arrived, it all made sense; he accidentally ordered a set of 10.

By the way, it doesn’t smell as nice on him as it does on Sweet Pea, but it does make his skin look flawless and moisturized so he has no complains. Plus, Sweet Pea doesn’t need to spend any money to buy a new tube because Izuku makes sure to change her tube up to a new one before it runs out.

Wait, how did he end up thinking about this?

Oh yeah, feelings. Friendly feelings and non-friendly ones. Yeah, he doesn’t really get that. When Izuku loves he loves aggressively and he can’t really see where one feeling ends and where the other starts hence why it took him a lifetime to realize when his relationship with Sweet Pea went past the friendzone and even then, it did not feel like it was past anything; it all felt natural to him like breathing.

Izuku would lie if he would say he doesn’t have any idea about romance; sadly, he does. But that romance was nothing like what he has with Sweet Pea; that romance was nothing but him being played over and over again for nothing but his money and when he ran out of all of it he was dumped like a misbehaving dog; not useful, not needed anymore.

It’s a story he doesn’t like to share; he was young and stupid, he was forced to do so much stuff he wasn’t ready for but he was too happy to be loved and appreciated he didn’t care about his own feelings at that time, neither about his missing money; until he was able to pay his mom’s rent and his own, he was more than happy to spend all of the rest on his “loved one” and let’s just say he definitely learnt a lesson right there and he vowed he’ll never fall in love again. After a few months of self destruction and a few explosions right in his face he realized the world isn’t about the end; his life is already perfect even without the romance; he has the best friends and the best family, he has a beautiful flat with a beautiful fluffy cat, he’s loved by so many and he’s the symbol of peace now, just how he wanted it all his life.

Life was great and he was satisfied.

But then…

He opened his door to welcome his new roommate who had a Deku cardboard cutout under her armpit.

It wasn’t love for the first sight but it was on the second; the way she slept peacefully in his arms when he shuffled over to her bed to put her to sleep, the way she took care of him when he came home drenched in blood, the way she’s never asked for anything in exchange for all the love and care she poured into his flat and his now-beautiful garden; it all happened without his knowledge, without a single warning, just like that, out of the blue and BAMM!

… yeah.

Midoriya Izuku always wondered why was his own point of view never a part of this silly fanfiction but seeing his thoughts written down on this piece of paper, now he can understand, why.

This is a mess, man.

So after the Big Bang, Izuku wasn’t sure what to do with himself. If he has to choose between keeping his Sweet Pea around as a close friend or losing her because of his silly little feelings, he would choose to go with the former for obvious reasons. Also, doing frisky things with your roommate sounds weirdly illegal, even if Kacchan says it’s okay and Kirishima says your girlfriend who lives with you is also technically your roommate so Izuku’s hour-long mumble doesn’t really make any sense.

When Izuku innocently asks which kind of roommates are those two, he was respectfully thrown out their window.

It was just a joke. There is no way Kacchan is doing frisky things with Kirishima.

… right?

Okay, how did he end up here again?

Oh yeah, love.

Izuku fell in love.

That’s it.

Things were alright for a while; there were a few occasions when Izuku felt a really strong urge to kiss Y/N in a non-friendly way; it usually came randomly, like when they both stared at each other during a movie or when Izuku came home and Y/N jumped into his arms, content and happy that he’s finally home, or when Y/N made his favorite food for dinner, or when Y/N fell asleep in his arms… okay, he felt the urge almost every day but he was strong enough to stop himself until they went camping together and…

No, he is NOT going to make a comment about his drunk shenanigans. That goes to the grave with him. The one occasion he wants to talk about though is when he accidentally kissed Sweet Pea… on the mouth. That’s when the dam broke.

He wanted to let her go right away, of course he did, but her lips were so soft and so squishy and… okay, maybe he lingered a bit before he actually moved away and maybe he hoped there will be another accident in the near future so he can relive that beautiful feeling but the life wasn’t kind to him enough for that; instead, Sweet Pea got sick and Izuku made an absolute fool of himself by freaking out completely. He even got hurt during a battle. He’s never been so disappointed in himself than that day. Thankfully, Katsuki saved the day and as always, exploded his face a few times to get him to his senses, even his mother helped to nurse his girl back to health, so it’s all well if it’s end well and Izuku must say, the next few days after were like a dream; they were both happy in each other’s arms, all the cautions thrown into the fire; Izuku was the happiest man on Earth.

…But there is a reason why people say not to play with fire; it looks nice from far away, but when you get too close to it… it burns like a bitch.

It was a few days after Sweet Pea got better. Izuku was already so close to confess to Y/N, tell her he loves her and that he wants her to be his; he was just about to say it out loud when he was called in to work on his day off. He was mad and angry but he decided to let it go; he made a plan in his head that day, the perfect, fool-proof plan to swoon Sweet Pea the right way.

He will get a lovely pink pot of flowers for her window seal first then he’ll ask Y/N out for dinner; there is a beautiful restaurant on the rooftop of the highest building in Tokyo which he wanted to rent out completely for one day, have a lovely dinner then watch the stars together, snuggled under a cozy blanket with mulled wine in their hands. Then Deku would take out the little box from his pocket; the little box with a little ring, made by his friend Melissa; it’s not an engagement ring, it’s more like a promise; the ring is actually a really cool support item Melissa made especially by Deku’s orders. It doesn’t matter what it is really but yes, he will give the ring to Sweet Pea and tell her about his feelings.

And then… they can have their first kiss under the skies and it will be perfect… if she feels the same of course. If not… that’s another story.

… well. Life had other plans for Izuku.

Blaming it on life isn’t the most manly thing to do though because really, it was all Izuku’s fault.

Sweet Pea and Izuku were chilling on the sofa, watching a lovely movie that afternoon. The mood was perfect, calm and homey, Y/N was warm in his arms and she smelled amazing; he just wanted to remember her beautiful, serene face as she tried to look sneak glances at him, he just wanted to remember the spark in her eyes when their gazes met in the dim lighting; he just wanted to feel how soft Y/N’s cheeks are on this lovely afternoon, but somehow, he got lost in the sensation, lost in those beautiful eyes staring into his soul, and without a single thought in his lovesick brain, Midoriya Izuku looked down at her lips, which he tried to not ever do. It was a mistake; Y/N licked her lips right in front of Midoriya’s hungry eyes and somehow, he ended up being jealous of Y/N’s own tongue for being able to do that, his mind went dark and his heart exploded; he felt like he needed to have a taste himself, just a tiny little peck to soothe the burning desire in his chest, so he did.

He did, and he hated himself so much in that moment.

There were two different kind of feelings raging inside of him; one was self-hatred and the second was pure hunger. He concentrated on the first one; he mumbled a quiet sorry, his eyes the size of saucers but Y/N wasn’t listening to him; she was staring at him, but her eyes were cloudy and so-so beautiful; he tried again then, said sorry again and again and again but Sweet Pea turned his world upside down with her next move; she shut him up with another kiss, right on his mouth, like kissing him there is the most normal thing in the world and Izuku’s lost it; he lost the fight against his desires and slowly crawled closer and closer until there was nothing to stop him from kissing Y/N until their mouths hurt.

It was amazing for the first few minutes; it felt like finally, the last piece of puzzle found its place; he felt complete and so-so happy in Y/N’s arms, the kiss was everything he wanted and so much more; her lips were soft and gentle and she tasted amazing, but somewhere in the back of his mind Izuku knew this is a mistake and finally, his mind caught up to his heart and the happiness came to an end.

Sweet Pea deserved so much more than a few fleeting kisses out of nowhere. Sweet Pea deserved to be loved and appreciated and she deserved to have a choice in this; she might have reciprocated, but he didn’t even ask for her consent before the first kiss. Izuku messed up terribly; as the pink clouds cleared out he started to spiral, which ended up with him crying in his roommate’s arms, begging for forgiveness, but even being forgiven didn’t make Izuku’s heartache less painful. This was a mistake but he can’t say it will never happen again; he won’t be able to forget how it was like to be so close to the person he loves the most, and it’s only a matter of time before he will seek this comfort again. Their friendship is doomed and it’s all his fault; so Izuku braced himself and served his heart on a silver platter right in front of her; he tried his best to make this last “I love you” different than the others, but she just said it back and left him in his misery and Izuku took it as a rejection; he went to his room, crying his eyes out like a silly little teenager after his first heartbreak.

“Kacchan…” Izuku sobbed into the phone and Katsuki’s yelling subdued right away.

“You should be happy, what the fuck are you crying about?” Katsuki mumbled aggressively, but there was a hint of worry in his voice.

“This is not how this was supposed to happen. This is wrong. So wrong…” Izuku sobbed and even without seeing Kacchan’s face he knew he’s rolling his eyes.

“Oh my god, you fucker, life isn’t some motherfucking fairy tale where everything is perfect.” Katsuki reprimanded. “You are not the first fucking person whose romance didn’t go by their plans, you annoying little prick!” Katsuki yelled and suddenly, Izuku could hear another voice in the background.

“Katsuki, stop.” Eijirou’s voice got closer to the microphone. “What Katsuki is trying to say is that just because you’ve made a mistake it doesn’t mean your feelings are not true. I’ll tell you a story… from the past, okay?” Eijirou asked but Izuku had no idea why he felt the need to ask that, but okay. Maybe he wasn’t asking him but someone else? But the only person close to him is….

Oh.

Well, Izuku was too mentally exhausted to put the two things together right now.

This is not the right chapter for THAT reveal, anyway.

“So when I was young and stupid I had this friend I really liked.” Eijirou started, then laughed. “Okay, liking this person was an understatement, I was head over heels for him. So one day, we were chatting about romance and this person was talking about how they’ve never kissed before so I decided to use this opportunity and get a little bit of action out of it. Well, things have escalated and we ended up… going way past the “two bros kissing” stage and I really thought our friendship will be over after that; but then they laughed and everything went back to normal like nothing had happened. So that’s one thing. But the other thing is…” The line went silent for a few seconds, but then Eijirou started speaking again. “I hate myself to this day for letting the opportunity go; they were in my arms and I had all the power to tell them about my feelings and at least give ourselves a try in a romantic way. But I chickened out and I let the “mistake” go forgotten. I beat myself up every single day for it. Don’t be like me. It fucking sucks.” Eijirou sighed on the other side of the line.

“Do you still love the fucker?” Kacchan mumbled, barely audible. Izuku didn’t know Kacchan’s voice can go so soft.

“Would it be really pathetic to say I do?” Eijirou laughed with a sad tone to his usually preppy voice.

“Maybe instead of giving shitty advice to shitty Deku, you should grow some balls and ask the fucker out finally, because I’m quite fucking sure they’ve been waiting for fucking ages for you to get your shit together.” Katsuki retorted aggressively and there was an awkward silence on the other side of the line.

“Uhm, guys, would you like me to end the call?” Izuku mumbled, gobsmacked.

“Not yet, Deku.” Kacchan yelled. “You don’t need to act now or tomorrow. Just give it a fucking thought and get your head out of your ass. Got it?”

“Yeah, Kacchan. Thanks.” Izuku smiled. Kacchan might be an angry midget but he is an amazing friend.

“Now let me call Headphones and message your girlfriend, knowing her she’s probably trying to get through this alone like a real idiot.”

Scratch Izuku’s last sentence. Kacchan is the best friend the world has ever seen.

“Call us if you need to, okay? We love you Zuku-boo!”

“Jesus Christ, that was the gayest shit you’ve ever said, Eijirou.” Katsuki laughed on the other side, loud and airy.

“I feel kinda gay today, to be honest.” Eijirou laughed back and the line went silent.

~•🥦•~

As everyone probably knows by now, Midoriya Izuku likes to overthink everything, so needless to say, he took his fucking time to think about his relationship as well.

He didn’t mean to stop eating and ignore everything for the sake of having more time to think about the same thing over and over again and he genuinely didn’t realize how harmful the whole thing was until he got slapped in the face by Sweet Pea’s teary eyes.

Izuku did learn his lesson the last time he did something so stupid as to ignore Y/N’s feelings, so this time, he listened and spoke up about his own; it was painful and Izuku swears something broke inside of him, but it was so worth it to be able to put his legs in Y/N’s lap in a pathetic attempt for intimate contact.

He wanted to snuggle up close and caress her arms, hide his head in his favorite spot, kiss the soft skin of her neck until Y/N’s tiny sighs fill the space… but Midoriya Izuku knows he won’t be able to stop himself there if this ever becomes a reality so he just… forced his mind to shut down and concentrate on the boring movie playing in the TV.

Life has been really hectic around him in the last couple of days, so don’t judge him for forgetting about his friend coming to Japan. They had an agreement; whenever the other is in town, they are more than welcome to use their facilities and spare beds to spare some money. No questions asked. Hence why Melissa came without a single word, and it’s fine.

He really should have realized there is no spare bed in his flat anymore for a guest though.

Izuku knew he was being ridiculous with this whole “I don’t let anyone in my room” thing, but his room is filled with personal pictures and memorabilia to the brim and a step inside his room feels like a step inside his soul and even though Izuku is the most open, most welcoming person on Earth, he’s still terrified to let anyone inside.

Well… anyone… but his Sweet Pea.

It was a really surprising realization for him, to be absolutely honest.

He also realized he kinda wants to let Y/N in into his room, he wants her to wander around and find the secret pieces of his soul laying on the shelves, and maybe, he wants Y/N to find out that a big part of his heart belongs to her already.

And she did. She did find them all and…

Oh, the ever loving god and all the angels above, thank you; the kiss Izuku received that day will forever haunt him in his sleep, in the best way possible. He will never ever be able to sleep again. Oh my god, Izuku is so absolutely whipped right now it’s actually kind of ridiculous.

There’s nothing in his head but fluffy pink clouds and Sweet Pea’s soft lips. Ladies, gents and everyone in between, Midoriya Izuku has left the earth and lives in Candy Land now.

If Izuku thought he was in love before, this is… something else completely. He drinks Y/N, he eats Y/N, he breathes Y/N, she’s so perfect and cute and squishy and she gives the best morning kisses… letting their friendship change over the course of the night was the best idea. They didn’t talk about what they are, but honestly, Izuku isn’t even sure there is a need to do that; whatever relationship they are in right now, they both know their hearts belong to the other; and honestly, that’s all that matters in Izuku’s opinion.

For now, he is happy with whatever Sweet Pea throws in front of him.

Maybe one day, he will feel the urge to give this a name, and knowing how romantic Izuku is when it comes to his Sweet Pea, he’ll probably ask her to be his girlfriend in a day or two, but right now, in this moment, Izuku needs nothing else to be the happiest nerd the world has ever seen.

… Next Chapter!

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

Potato ramble:

- I hope you enjoyed seeing Midoriya’s side of the story! I’m actually quite proud of it.

- I can’t really do my usual rambles right now as I’m in a really bad mental state but I really hope this chapter made your day a bit better! I really enjoyed editing it!

- I’m really not sure when I’ll be able to post the next chapter as it’s quite painful for my foreigner ass to write it properly! (I have an exact picture of Deku’s agency in my head and I’m trying my best to write it down but man, I’m struggling so much 😂😂😂) Please be kind and patient with me for a while, honestly, I’m not sure how am I even functioning as a human being right now.

Likes, comments and reblogs are appreciated as always! 🥦

TL: @porusuniverse @stickygumchewer @sixxze @mily-moo @aei-sedai-moiraine @aymasakusa @kastuar @kenzie-deadly @shiviwrites07 @lukerycyja-reblogs @cloroxisadelectabletreat @coffeent @kisskissshutmydoor @bobcar1 @yazminetrahan @cringefan @ronimacaroni77 @thekookiecorner @dangerousluv1 @emperatris-rinaka @shotos-angelic-whore @angelsdemonsmonsters @norvacaine @rei165

#bnha x reader #mha x reader #midoriya izuku x y/n #midoriya izuku x reader #midoriya x you #midoriya x reader #pro hero deku x reader #midoriya izuku x you #midoriya izuku

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disassociation-daydreams · 8 months

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Secret Admirer - Dave York x F!Reader

A/N: Not only is this my first time ever writing fanfiction, but also the first time I've written anything in general, not counting essays in college? But I've had this idea rolling around my head the past few days and felt the need to get it written down. Shoutout to @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin for being so supportive and an amazing human being overall! I definitely would not have typed this out or posted it if it wasn't for you <3

Sorry if this hurts you the way it hurt me! Idk why my brain did this.

Summary: Dave is meant to be watching a target, but instead he ends up paying more attention to you.

Pairing: Dave York x F!Reader

Rating: 18+ (mdni)

Word Count: 3,010

Tags and Warnings: allusion to murder, allusion to violence, possessiveness, stalking, obsession, age gap, pervy Dave, pining Dave, allusion to drug addiction at end, mention of alcohol, slight voyeurism, mention of hospital stay, mention of suicide (only to cover up for Dave being a murderer), angst (I think that's it? My first time ever doing warnings)

He was meant to be watching a new target; noting the time of day he’d get home (Wednesdays and Thursdays a few hours later than the other days of the week), his habits (smoking a joint and passing out on his couch before he even made it to his bed), and anything else the piece of shit did that was noteworthy. And to be fair, he was watching him… but he was also watching her.

Her, whose windows he could see right into as he watched from the dark apartment in the building adjacent to theirs. Her, who just happened to have the apartment in direct view of his vantage point. Her, who was one door down from his target. He was trying to be discreet when he chose an apartment diagonal from his current prey; he hadn’t meant for it to turn into a distraction.

He hadn’t meant to watch her as well; he had never been the type to voyeur, to invade an innocent person’s privacy for his own enjoyment (that was saved only for the guilty). But her curtains were always wide open, both her living room and bedroom lit up from lamps until she turned them out, a tv until she was tired of watching in one room, shutting it off and then the other illuminating the space in the next, or even her phone as she stared down at it in her bed.

He hadn’t meant to watch, but he also couldn’t stop.

From evening to the early hours of the morning, his attention was hers. Her apartment was cozy, filled with soft blankets, books littering multiple surfaces, mugs of coffee (or maybe tea?) all over the place, and a cat tower in each room sometimes occupied with a small, white cat that she fawned over when she arrived home between 6:15 and 6:25 PM every weekday. She had a seemingly normal schedule for a 25 year old (he knew her age from research he had done for strictly professional reasons). He would be gone by the time she woke up each day, but based on her clothing that she stripped out of as soon as she got home each night and the information he could find online, she seemed to have the typical 9-5 schedule that accompanied a boring office job.

Her schedule seemed monotonous on those days: come home, greet her cat, shower and change into a large t-shirt and panties (his second favorite part of her routine), make dinner for her and said cat, then collapse into bed. Sometimes she would scroll through her phone or pick up a book for a few hours with the tv on the opposite wall brightening up the space slightly, until she fell asleep around 10:00 PM (this was his favorite part of her routine). For hours after that, when she (and the target) were both sound asleep, he could watch her without feeling so guilty for doing so. He could watch the way her body tossed and turned a few times for the first couple hours until she settled into her REM sleep. He could watch the slow and steady rise of her breasts, the peaceful look on her face with her full lips slightly parted, the way her arms never seemed to get comfortable while she slept, sometimes clutching a pillow to her chest or sometimes rising above her head as if her wrists were pinned in place (fuck, he wants to do that to her, encase her small wrists in one of his palms and hold her arms still while the rest of her body writhed and squirmed underneath him). He wishes he could watch her when she wakes up, see the way her soft and pliant body stretches, memorize her morning routine so he could imagine himself in more parts of her life. He can’t risk it though; can’t risk the morning light illuminating where he and his camera sit perched, can’t risk falling asleep in this spot as exhaustion from being up all night overcomes his body, can’t risk getting a glimpse into more parts of her life and falling more in love than he already has.

So, he takes what he can get. He sits there and watches her (and him; yes, the target still exists) for a few weeks, her weekday routine monotonous, but her weekends not so much. She came home later on those days, usually a little past midnight, sometimes only a little earlier. She never brought anyone home with her, her makeup was always perfectly in-tact, and she never seemed the slightest bit tipsy, her footsteps steady but also lighter as if she had a song stuck in her head from earlier in the night that she was still dancing to. He had come to the conclusion that she was out with friends after the first two nights of this routine. Or at least he hoped for his sake and the other party’s. He had no right to feel possessive over her, to feel like he had a claim to her body and her heart, and he knew this rationally… but that didn’t stop him from wanting to break the wrist of any possible suitor that laid a hand on her waist, to punch any mouth that could have landed on her soft skin until the face beneath his fist would be unrecognizable. She wasn’t his, but that didn’t stop him.

Her routine was predictable for the most part, even on those weekend nights where the time she was coming home varied. It was predictable until it wasn’t. It was predictable until one Saturday night she didn’t make it home (big deal, she probably crashed at a friends, right?). It was predictable until she still wasn’t home Sunday night and he saw her cat pacing around in anxiety and probably hunger. It was predictable until he watched another girl her age enter the apartment Monday night, feed the cat and pet it, then pack some clothes and other items into a bag before leaving and locking up the apartment again. The routine became predictable again, but not with his girl. Instead, he watched this random girl stroll in at the same time for four days, feed the cat and spend time with it on her couch for an hour, and then leave, just to repeat the next day.

It took less than two days of that routine for him to cave and figure out where she was; Boston Medical Center, been there since the Saturday she stopped coming home, discharge date undetermined and reason for her admittance not given. He could’ve dived deeper, threatened the life of her nurse or doctor for more information, hacked into the hospital’s medical records, and he was about to be at that point, until she returned home on Friday with the same random girl from the past four nights helping her inside.

______________________________________________________________

Dave York was not a good man and never could be considered one. He stalked, tortured, murdered; some for money and others for pleasure. His dreams, not nightmares, were full of vengeance against the people he deemed guilty and felt he should bring justice to. In fact, he can’t remember the last time he had a nightmare, not sure there was anything left in this shithole of a world that could scare him… until this. He had lost count of the amount of people he had drained life from, but at this moment he had never wanted to kill anyone more even though had no idea who his victim was. He was sure that when he made it home in the morning that he would be fighting against sleep because every time he blinked, all he could see was this version of you behind his eyelids. You, his soft, angelic girl with the cute, white cat and the predictable routine. You, who was now limping through your house, a large black boot on your right foot, bruises scattered up your plush thighs, disappearing under your clothes until they reappeared around your neck in the shape of handprints. You, who usually had a soft smile gracing your lips, but whose face now winced in pain from the light your friend just turned on that beamed directly into your black-eye.

Dave was sure he was looking into the camera still, but he couldn’t see you anymore. In fact, he couldn’t see anything at all, anything except the color red.

______________________________________________________________

You don’t remember when you first noticed it, the feeling that you were being watched. You don’t even know if you are, nothing ever confirming your suspicions, you just had this feeling. This feeling that there were almost always eyes burning holes into the side of your face, or the back of your neck depending on which way your body was turned. The feeling wasn’t always there, in fact you only felt it for a few hours a day, from the moment you came home until you fell asleep. By the morning, it was gone and you wouldn’t think anything of it, moving on with your usual routine.

It should have scared you, should have creeped you out. You could’ve closed your curtains, could have told someone and tried to check it out, but you hadn’t. For one, you didn’t want people to think you were paranoid, and secondly, the gaze never seemed predatory. In fact, you often felt protected, endeared, even revered… which may sound crazier than the idea that someone was watching you if you ever told anyone that.

You had an idea of where the feeling was coming from, somewhere in the building next to yours, but you never searched the windows to figure out who, mostly because you weren’t entirely sure you’d want them to stop like they probably would if they were caught. So, you went on with your routine, always feeling their gaze at night and never paying it in any mind. You had almost completely forgotten about it at this point, after being away from home for so many nights in that god-forsaken hospital bed. It had been the furthest thing from your mind, the least of your concerns after what you had endured and the pain that was still wracking your body. But, you felt it again now, as you sat on the edge of your bed, trying not to cry anymore than you had been, not sure if the tears would even come anymore. You felt their gaze peering into the side of your head, watching you.

Had they noticed your absence? Did they wonder where you had gone, why someone else was in your apartment every night, why your body was now littered in bruises? Did they care? You didn’t even know if they existed, but that didn’t stop you. It didn’t stop you from walking over to the desk in your living room, pulling out a piece of paper and a sharpie, and scribbling onto it before limping over to the window to tape your message for whoever was watching to see, on the off chance that they did care, or even existed.

______________________________________________________________

“I’M OKAY”

That’s all that was written, in large, black letters, on a piece of white paper that he watched you tape to your window. He should have felt more worried than he was, about the fact that you knew he was there, even if you didn’t know who he was. He didn’t know how long you had felt him there or why you felt the need to reassure him right now, all he knew is that he felt more angry than before. Angry at shitty societal standards that made you feel like you needed to act okay in a moment like this. Angry at himself for not being there to protect you from whoever thought it was a good idea to lay a hand on what was his. Angry at this person that he was going to find and torture until all the bruises and breaks in their body matched the ones they had left on yours. He was going to let this anger consume him until he saw the light go out of their eyes, until he saw it return to yours.

______________________________________________________________

Your routine became monotonous again, after a few more days of resting at home. The bruises were starting to fade along with the pain, although the boot would remain around your broken ankle for another few weeks. You were back at work the Monday after coming home, not able to justify to your corporate shit-head bosses that you needed more time off. The days seemed to be dragging on for longer, exhaustion overwhelming your healing body to the point that you were collapsing into your bed within an hour of getting home each day. By Wednesday evening, after a longer than usual wait for the metro, you might as well have been dead to the world around you, people and buildings blurring together, the sounds of the city sounding like white noise in your ears, until you arrived outside your apartment door and your eyes focused in on the bouquet of peonies sitting on the ground.

Putting your key in the lock and pushing the door open behind the vase of flowers, you quickly bent down to pick them up while making sure not to spill anything out of your work bag in the process. After setting everything else on the floor by your couch, you placed the vase of your favorite flowers on the coffee table in front of it, the setting sun outside your window casting the room in a soft-orange glow, partially impeded by the “I’M OKAY” sign still taped to the window.

Taking a few more moments to get comfortable, your booted foot lifted up to rest next to the vase and Toast, your furry companion, begging for attention in your lap, you reached over to pluck the small card from in between some of the flowers.

Inside, in slightly messy and what could only be described as a man’s handwriting, a short message was written:

“Glad you’re okay, the other person isn't. They’ve been handled.”

It should have scared you for multiple reasons. One, the fact that someone is watching you was now confirmed, and two, they’ve alluded to doing another person harm.

It should have scared you, but it didn’t. You’ve never felt more safe.

______________________________________________________________

Dave watches you as you walk in with the flowers, as you pull out his card and read the short and possibly terrifying message he left inside. He watches as the first genuine smile he’s seen on your face since you disappeared on him graces your lips and gets his heart beating rapidly in his chest. You were smiling because of him, you weren’t scared of what he had written and what he alluded to doing. He had brought a smile to your face and he would be damned if he ever let it fall again.

Only a few minutes after watching you read his message, his eyes followed you as you took down your previous sign from the living window and replace it with a new one.

“THANK YOU 🖤” ______________________________________________________________

One week after that, the job Dave was originally watching for had been handled. He couldn’t justify it anymore, already taking weeks longer than he usually would just so he could prolong watching you every night, and hemorrhaging money on the weekly rent he was paying to use this apartment for his stake-out. On the last night of the job, he watched you with an alertness like never before, keeping his blinking to a minimum so he could commit each and every single part of your life and your being to memory. He stayed past the sunrise the next morning so he could finally witness your morning routine that he had fantasized about, giving himself one more piece of your life that he could imagine himself fitting into, in another life.

______________________________________________________________

You stopped feeling like someone was watching you. It happened suddenly, one night it was there and the next it wasn’t. It wasn’t there the night after either, or the one after that. Your mind couldn’t decide between being more worried that something had happened to them or that you would never get to feel their gaze upon you again.

Paramedics had been in your building the night after the feeling had disappeared, entering the apartment next to yours and leaving with someone in a body bag. You weren't sure if the two were connected, but wouldn't be surprised if they were, even if your building super informed everyone that your neighbor's death had been ruled a suicide.

After a week without your secret admirer, you closed the curtains. ______________________________________________________________

He did his best to stay away, to not give into the temptation that was the sight of you. It was like trying to break an addiction, one that he didn’t want to get rid of but needed to. He could only imagine the havoc you would wreak on his being if he ever had the balls to approach you in person; you would utterly destroy him, ruin his heart and soul for anybody else. After a week of withdrawals that made him even more snappy and impatient at work, and cravings for your smile and light that were starting to blur in his memory, he gave in.

He gave the building super an excuse that he had left something in the apartment and would be out in a few minutes. After grabbing the key and sprinting up the stairs to the seventh floor, he slowed down his pace, trying to get his bearings and calm his racing heart rate before it exploded out of his chest.

Finally, he turned the key in the lock, pushed the door open, and strolled up to the window adjacent to yours. But, instead of the usual sight that greeted him, his pretty girl going about her life, he saw nothing.

You had closed the curtains.

#Dave York #Pedro Pascal #dave york x you #dave york x reader #dave york fanfiction #dave york x female reader #equalizer 2

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ros3ybabe · 5 months

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Day 10 - 90 Day Challenge 🎀

I feel really good about today. I got a lot done despite trying to nap three times (I wasn't able to actually get any sleep), and the only reason I kept trying to nap was because I've been up since 3am. It's easy to get a lot done when you've been up forever.

🏋‍♀️ Physical Health

took a walk around campus outside

logged most of everything I ate into my food tracking app

cooked a healthy breakfast + ate a serving of fruit (red grapes)

🧠 Mental Health

morning guided journal

night time guided journal

retail therapy <3 (bought some makeup on the ulta app)

❤️ Emotional Health

read 2 sections of 101 Essays to Change the Way You Think

answered the journal prompt "what is one of my limiting self beliefs?"(realized I'm the reason I don't have many friends, need to change that)

📚 Intellectual Health

finished chapter 13 notes for psyc

completed all of chapter 14 notes for psyc

selected my articles for my reflection paper for my health and sport class + formatted Google docs for each article reflection writing

(This all took me 2.5 hours from 4am to 630am, the perks of accidentally waking up early as heck)

🏘 Adulting

organized my desk drawer

reached out + invited my older brother to come see me since he was in town (he'll be here soon!)

had a phone call with my dad

🥰 Self Love/Care

morning skincare

night skincare (just moisturizer, I was tired)

took a warm shower + brushed my teeth (as gross as it sounds that I don't do it every day, depression sucks and I'm proud of myself for even one win )

made my bed (trying to make it a habit)

let in morning sunlight until it began to get dim outside (keeps electricity costs down and boosts my mood when I'm in my room)

I am very proud of myself for today despite my lack of motivation these last few days. Hopefully, this carries over to tomorrow, and I can be productive at least a little bit before i have to go to work. There's still time in the day, but I'm satisfied with today, which is why I'm posting this a bit early in the evening. Thank you and much love to everyone who has been commenting encouraging and supportive things it makes it easier to be open and honest about my struggles, mental health, and overall well-being.

til next time, lovelies 🩷

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somerandomdudelmao · 1 year

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Okay. This is it. Theory time.

I'm going to write an essay on "how I love elaborate lore in Mystic Hands by @characcoon " It may or may not be a complete circus, but at least you'll have fun watching me getting it wrong eh?

Okay, first of all, let me put on my clown suit for this performance. Because, I'll be honest, I can only understand 70% of a complex text if I don't use a translator. And the translator also tends to change the meaning of the text.

I'm also writing this essay through a translator and just hoping for the best, so...ahahaha...yeah.

Chapters nine and ten of Mystic Hands gave me something to think about. Mostly because, all of a sudden, Bishop and his lab-military squad turned out to be more than background characters. And let me tell you, I grew up on the 2003 series. I may not remember all the nuances of the plot there very well, but I remember the asshole named Bishop perfectly~ But I'm not sure how similar 2003 Bishop and MH Bishop are, so I'm just...anxious in advance and start looking for things that would ring a bell.

From what I learned in chapters 9 and 10:

Bishop is an asshole.

He has his precious organization.

He also has access to empyrium and a recipe for crafting an incredibly toxic herbicide.

He also has a mustache. ( funny how this part puzzles me the most)

Michelangelo talks about him as a cruel and despicable scumbag who should have been rolled in asphalt at the first opportunity. He also calls Bishop a liar, so I guess in the future Bishop and the turtles have a... "adventure" haha... And of course we all know how fun stories with a cruel scientist and mutants can be. Yep.

This is where I start trying to put the puzzle together.

When Michelangelo sees the glowing blue stuff in the vials he reacts rather emotionally and says it could be a version of a anti-mutagen. He also says that it might help bring Raph back to normal when he asks Donnie to analyze the thing.

Donnie does the analysis.

The so-called "anti-mutagen" turns out to be an herbicide. Yes, very toxic and suspect and containing empyrium, but only herbicide.

In this moment. ONLY at that moment does Michelangelo realize that his information about the substance and its capabilities was wrong. And for SOME reason, it makes him absolutely furious.

And this is where the shit hits the fan.

Everything written above leads me to believe that the Turtles have already dealt with Bishop and his "anti-mutagen" in a bad timeline of the future. Whatever happened, Michelangelo came out of that adventure with the certainty that the blue stuff was a anti-mutagen. Which in itself is not suspicious, because even with his constant sleepovers in Donnie's lab, Michelangelo is still not that advanced a science dude. If he was young enough, Bishop could pour Sprite into a test tube, call it a anti-mutagen, and Michelangelo would buy it.

What a good thing they had Donnie for situations like that, I thought. And then I thought again. A little more anxious.

Did they?

Obviously, if Donnie had participated in the "adventure" with Bishop, he would not have allowed the turtles to call the strange liquid a retromutagen without analyzing it at least ten different ways. Even if Bishop hadn't given him a free sample, Donnie would have found a way to extract as much information as possible. Michelangelo was his lab partner. There was no way he would have missed something that important.

So...I guess at that point in the future, Donny wasn't there. Which leaves me with two possibilities. Either he was dead, or...he was taken out of the game for some reason.

The death option looks pretty straightforward. Donnie wasn't there to take control of the situation, so Bishop could probably afford a lot of free lying.

But I tend to think more about the second option.

Because Michelangelo, after getting into the past, intends to keep Donnie away from Bishop. This cannot be dictated by logic. Donnie, of all turtles, would be best able to consider if Bishop tries to pull something sneaky. Donnie has his technique, his knowledge, and his ability to hack any computer with just a dessert fork and rage. And yet Michelangelo takes Donnie with him into the tunnels. Because I'm sure he's guided not by logic but by fear.

Which leads me to the second option.

Donnie was not there at the time of the "adventure". Maybe physically he was alive, but he wasn't there at that moment of the future. Because Bishop did something to him.

That's why Donnie couldn't discover the lie about the anti-mutagen. And that's why Michelangelo wants to keep his younger version away from Bishop.

Now. This is where my knowledge of the 2003 series comes into the chat. More specifically, about one of my favorite stories from there - season 4 episodes 24 and 25 - "Good Genes."

( These are the episodes in which Donnie mutates, turning into a monster because he was previously stung by one of Bishop's mutants. Donnie's brothers spend a very "fun" amount of time trying to figure out how to cure him, but none of them are smart enough. So they are forced to make a deal with Bishop to reverse Donnie's mutation. Bishop was nice enough to actually do it and at the end of the story Donnie is fine again)

What if. Listen. WHAT IF something like this happened in a bad timeline.

Maybe Donnie was infected by Krang. Maybe he mutated for some other reason. Something happened to him. Something that caused the rest of the turtles to go to Bishop for help, because Donnie was usually the one who solved problems like this and Donnie wasn't there at the time.

This is where I pull out the "squeeze apple juice out of oranges" pokemon, because I'm starting to use information that isn't in the fanfic. We have the art, and the post.

And Donnie is not having a good time there. There's also the idea that the anti-mutagen in Mystic Hands doesn't work as neatly and conveniently as it did in 2003 and 2012. It doesn't turn a hypothetical mutant turtle back into a regular turtle.

The art quite clearly complements this thought.

At first I thought - hey, anti-mutagen works differently. I guess it's because it's supposed to reverse a secondary mutation or Crang infection?

Then I thought again. You know, more thoroughly. Bishop was lying.

There was no anti-mutagen, at least not in the sense that the turtles needed it. They only THOUGHT the thing existed because Bishop convinced them it did.

So. What are the chances that Donnie was infected with something the turtles couldn't handle on their own? So they had to enlist the help of Bishop. But unlike the man in 2003 this Bishop didn't do his part honestly and used some version of the toxic herbicide on Donnie?

What are the chances that at first the herbicide actually worked as a cure for Krang, because in this universe Krangs are apparently very evil vegetables? How long did it take for this substance to start killing Donnie himself? Because there's no way I'm going to believe that this caustic stuff is harmless to living creatures of any kind. Was the herbicide slow enough for the turtles to think the "anti-mutagen" was working and happily celebrate Donnie's healing? Maybe it took hours, maybe days, but my guess is that at some point the herbicide destroyed Donatello, giving enough time before that, however, for Michelangelo to remember that "blue stuff = cure for krangification."

That's why Michelangelo was so furious when he found out the blue stuff wasn't a retromutagen. He realized that Bishop had lied to him by calling this toxic crap a healing possibility. He realized that Donnie, his Donnie from the future, was not healed. He realized that Bishop probably didn't even try to heal him, taking advantage of the incompetence of the turtles.

_________

Either that or Bishop in the future just stole Donnie and experimented on him for fun and science or something. And I just wasted a lot of your and my time for nothing~

Everything I've written here could be complete nonsense haha. And I'm not even sure I used half the terms correctly, because translating things from English into my native language and then translating back is tedious. But I hope that at least this post will be fun to reread when the fanfic plot moves on and mysteries are solved lmao

#rottmnt #rise of the tmnt #riseofthetmnt #mystic hands #idk what Im doing #it’s just some silly thoughts #thanks for coming to my ted talk

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