#.... that's a really isolating and horrible way to feel no matter why you are feeling it. and the nature of this PARTICULAR post is that
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you wanted to be a good friend, because you loved your friends, but the truth was that everyone else somehow had a pamphlet on being normal that you never received. most of the time you learn by trial-and-error. you are terrified of the next big mistake you make, because it seems like the rules are completely arbitrary.
you've learned to keep the prickly parts of your personality in a stormcloud under your bed - as if they're a second version of you; one that will make your friends hate you. it feels feral, burning, ugly.
instead, you have assembled habits based on the statistical likelihood of pleasing others. you're a good listener, which is to say - if you do speak up, you might end up saying the wrong thing and scaring off someone, but people tend to like someone-who-listens. or you've got no true desires or goals, because people like it when you're passive, mutable. you're "not easy to fluster" which is to say - your emotions are fundamentally uninteresting to others around you; so you've learned to control them to a degree that you can no longer really feel them happening.
you have long suspected something is wrong with you, but most of the time, googling doesn't help. you are so-used to helping-yourself, alone and with no handbook. the reek of your real self feels more like a horrible joke - you wake up, and, despite all your preparations, suddenly the whole house is full of smoke. the real you is someone waiting to ruin your other-life, the one where you're normal and happy. the real-self is unpredictable, angry.
your real self snarls when people infantilize the whole situation. because if you were really suffering, everyone seems to think you'd be completely unable to cope. but you already learned the rules, so you do know how to cope, and you have fucking been coping. it's not black-and-white. it's not that you are healed during the other times - it's just that you're able to fucking try. and honestly, whenever you show symptoms, it's a really fucking bad sign.
because the symptoms you have are ugly and unmanageable for others. your symptoms aren't waifish white girl things. they're annoying and complicated. they will be the subject of so many pretentious instagram reels. if they cared about you, they'd just show up on time. you care, a lot, so deeply it burns you. you like to picture a world where the comments read if they loved you, they'd never need glasses to see. but since that's a rule you've seen repeated - "one must never be late or you are a bad friend" - you constantly worry about being late and leave agonizingly early. there are no words for how you feel when you're still late; no matter how hard you were trying.
so you have to make up for it. you have to make up for that little horrible real you that you keep locked in a cabinet. you are bad at answering emails so every project you make has to be perfect. you are weird and sensitive so you have to learn to be funny and interesting. you are an inconvenience to others, so you become as smooth as possible, buffing out all the rough parts.
all this. all this. so people can pass their hands over you and just tell you just the once -how good you are. you're a good friend. you're loveable.
#spilled ink#woke up at 530 to write this lmafo#me in a cold sweat:#how do i be normal#edit in the tags:#hey so i've seen y'all talk about like ... wondering if ur ''allowed'' to relate#like if this is about X specific diagnosis#and when i first posted it i really almost labelled it ''please don't assume this is about a specific condition''#because as an artist i am often walking this line of discussing a symptom or discussing my conditions etc#and sometimes yes ! i do want to talk about an experience that is specific to who i am and my condition#but sometimes the effort of the post is about the EXPERIENCE rather than the diagnosis#because yes i am not neurotypical and as a result that influences my work but it is ALSO true that there are many reasons#why someone might experience this particular vague horrible feeling that you are... almost being CHASED by what you ''really'' are.#that you're outrunning your symptoms... that you're not really normal you're just sort of a mockery of a person#.... that's a really isolating and horrible way to feel no matter why you are feeling it. and the nature of this PARTICULAR post is that#it is inherently talking ABOUT that sense of isolation & of feeling not-deserving & of minimizing your own experiences to make urself#palatable for society in a way that others find easy-to-deal-with....#this post is about a certain experience such that my impression is there's a higher likelihood that those who relate#would have more difficulty thinking they ''deserve'' to relate - that it doesn't REALLY belong to them#bc often we are the kind of people who are SO used to being alienated and set aside and ''different'' that we AUTOMATICALLY assume#that things are not ''for'' us... they never have been why would it start now#we are the kinds of people to be ... ''too normal for X diagnosis but too symptomatic to be normal''#[or as this post points out... so good at ''coping''/masking/hiding it that we essentially conform to whatever shape we're poured into]#but i have witnessed others already say in the tags ''thought this was about me but it's about X so it can't be''#and im like ... of course it was about you.#art is not a resource that is diminished by greater appreciation .#you reflect in whatever mirror fits your frame. not just the ones in your bedroom. not just the ones i specifically give you.#there will be - and often are - times that i will talk about my specific conditions... but if you're reading this#regardless of why you're here... we are here together. holding hands through space and time. and i love you for carrying it#and i know you're exhausted. i am too. but i understand. and i see you.
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Ever since watching The Wire for the first time, my brain has doggedly kept working away at the Especially the lies of it all, and specifically at how much the structure beneath the different stories Garak tells contributes to the overall meaning of what he’s trying to say. While the contradicting narratives of course expertly obscure the factual circumstances of his getting exiled, using them also allows him to tell aspects and facets of the emotional truth I don’t think he ever could have, if he’d simply told the actual story of what happened. (It’s very Varric-core of him honestly.)
The first story — the ‘oh, you think you know me?’ story — says I have done things that would sicken you if you knew any detail of it. It’s clearly meant to scare Bashir away so he’ll leave him to die shamefully in peace already lol. But it’s also one of his (probably much-needed lbr) little lessons to Julian that are so frequent in the beginning, given while Garak still has some hold on himself — “Don’t be so quick to forgive me if you don’t even know what I’ve done; what would you do if this really were the sum total of what I am?” (And Julian seems to surprise him by going ‘Well, exactly the same thing, because no matter who you are I am a doctor. But I sort of take your point.’)
The second story — the letting the orphans go story — says I have failed to smother my soul in its cradle when it was required of me, and I regret that more than anything I’ve done. To my ears this is the one most shot through with active self-loathing too, which is interesting. He’s officially lost the control he’s been clinging to and it’s about to get ugly. His TL;DR is ‘Sentiment is the greatest weakness of all’, even all the way back here. (Which is the one lesson Julian steadfastly refuses to learn, which I think in turn does some serious rearrangement of Garak’s soul over the course of the show haha. Get uno reversed into the process of loving and being loved without shame asshole.) This is also where he builds up to admitting to having any sort of need for companionship or closeness at all and — so much worse — that Julian’s role in his life actually has fulfilled some of that need, and he’s DRIPPING with defensive venom over it b/c well I get it Garak vulnerability is scary it can take a person like that.
(I also feel there’s something honest and forbidden in ‘Suddenly the whole exercise seemed utterly meaningless’. I suspect ‘actually… why the fuck are we even doing this???’ is not a welcome sentiment in an Obsidian Order water cooler environment, no matter what you’re saying it about lmao. The very first seeds of him deconstructing the things he’s been taught about Cardassia and his work might be hinted at here, though they of course take a looong time to come to any real fruition.)
The third story — the ‘Elim was my best friend’ story — says hey, remember that thing you said once, about how sometimes, you have to be loyal to yourself before you can be loyal to anything else? Well. guess what. I couldn’t even be that lmao. It also furthers that thread of being divided from yourself, split, that having ‘Elim’ as a separate person around in all versions of the story brings in. He’s in control of himself again, but he essentially hands his life and soul over to Julian to decide what should be done with them.
I’ve done horrible things and it finally caught up with me, I’m getting what I deserve → I let sentiment master me and the fact that I’m too weak to do what’s needed of me shames me more than the evil I’ve done → I fucked up. I betrayed myself and everything I held to, all for nothing, and I have no one to blame for it but myself. But it’s very nice that you’re here anyway, Doctor. (Wow. I didn’t realize quite how isolated and lonely that last one was before right now. The way Tain has shaped him really has just… locked him completely into himself, huh.) We can also see a movement through from a completely professional context in the first story, to an intensely interpersonal and internal context in the last one — even his fake stories spiral in towards intimacy, which I think is what he longs for here even if he can’t quite like. Touch that without the stories as a buffer yet, it’s clearly like touching a hot stove for him to interact with it too directly.
And you know what I find incredibly interesting the whole way through? Even on his deathbed, where he’s dying from the thing Tain had put in his head, he’s protecting Tain. He puts all the blame for where he is on himself (‘My future was limitless, until I threw it away’), even if he has to employ a strange twisty logic where he’s split himself into two to do it. Don’t get me wrong, Garak has done horrific things all on his own haha, but it’s notable that he almost isolates Tain from that. ‘Tain was the Obsidian Order. Not even the Central Command dared challenge him. And I was his right hand.’ Tain in Garak’s stories is this infallible implacable weirdly distant figure, even now. Indeed, as will make a lot of sense with the revelations further down the line, more than anything it seems the gaze of an abused child desperate for recognition looking up at an idealized (if not in any way nurturing) parent.‘He was retired at that point; he couldn't protect me’, Garak says, as if what he’d need protection from in the first place isn’t Tain himself lmao, as if Tain had no active part in any of this. He never lets blame touch Tain at all. At this stage he would rather consider himself a broken flawed tool than accept that the hands that have wrought and wielded him have ever had any fault in them. AND in the middle of it all, with plausible deniability, on death’s door and knocking meekly to be let in before he must finish the mortifying ordeal of being known and test the even more daunting possibility of being loved, Garak at the same time manages to drop the breadcrumb trail of clues to make it possible for Julian to find Tain if he so chooses and gets in the ‘sons of Tain’ thing too for future dramatic irony purposes. Truly he is the Michelangelo of lying. Every falsehood a multifaceted masterpiece. Elim ‘achieving a state of intertextuality in real life is possible if you work hard and believe in yourself’ Garak. I love him so much.
I think all of this is why “I forgive you. For whatever it is you did,” works so well, because it too works on a structural level. It’s such a deceptively multilayered response — it has the syntax of a joke, in a way, and it is kind of funny even under the circumstances, but delivered with such earnest warmth and fondness. It’s both recognition and acceptance (forgiveness!). It’s saying ‘I finally understand enough of what you’re trying to tell me beneath and through all that, in whatever way you’re capable of, I see you’ and ‘my answer hasn’t changed (bitch)’. The forgiveness Julian offers here is complete — on principle, and out of personal feeling and empathy (only one of which Garak deigns to respond to during the second story, where he calls it ‘smug Federation sympathy’, placing it more completely on the principle side than it probably is. ‘Dude you’re my friend please don’t just lie down and die in a completely avoidable way on me, who else is going to not only tolerate but actually gleefully enjoy me being annoying as fuck over lunch’ seems to be the subtext that’s a lot harder to acknowledge and invite in for both of them. And yet Tain seems perfectly clear on the fact that Julian is Garak’s friend, which, y’know. Must be fun living with the knowledge that Tain has eyes everywhere looming over you every day haha guess you’d just have to tune that out.)
Most of all — ’Don’t give up on me now, Doctor’... and he didn’t! He didn’t. Augh. Ow.
#garashir#elim garak#julian bashir#star trek ds9#ds9#star trek#ds9 meta#S2EP22 The Wire#alternate title: baby's first brush with unconditional love through unreliable narration lol#I'm not sure I got to say everything I want to in this/found the exact right words in places or hit all the nuances#but god help me I so desperately need this out of my brain to free up some disc space so go forth little meta haha be free#I'm sure I'll come back to you in time#meta#enabran tain#(derogatory)
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people do not understand how hard it was on the women in the camp and why they act the way they do and I’m tired of them getting hated on
Sadie Adler is allowed to be upset. she lost her husband, her home, everything, and has to adapt to the life of an outlaw all while still grieving and healing. she also has to share the same living space with the man who burned her house down to the ground and threatened to kill her. and even aside from Micah, she still isn’t treated all that fairly, being expected to do the more feminine chores around camp instead of being able to go out and hunt and rob. and she’s taken into the gang while it’s deteriorating so things just continue to go downhill and she loses one of the few friends she had made along the way at the very end.
Abigail Marston is allowed to be upset. she was a working girl at a very young age and was taken into a gang where her only real purpose at the time was to satisfy some of their sexual needs. and then she gets pregnant with Jack and her entire situation becomes more permanent. but then the father of her son ran away for a year and she was still surrounded by people who thought highly of him, she still had to do some sort of work either inside or out of camp, and I really think Susan was the only woman in camp who would know anything about pregnancy even if she had never been pregnant so the birth of Jack (and probably most of the pregnancy) was probably overlooked by most of the men excluding the ones like Hosea, Arthur, and Dutch. and then for John to return and claim that Jack isn’t his can only lead for her to have more emotional turmoil. and she couldn’t just leave the gang, she had nowhere to run to, a son to take care of, no job, and also a very limited amount of freedom. the gang moved a lot, the gang got into trouble a lot, there was always the fear that something would go horribly wrong and they’d loose a handful of people or that the law would finally show up. or that something would somehow happen to her son. we can see in the game how protective she is over him and how she’s still trying to get John to believe he’s his son. there’s also one interaction in the game where we hear Susan saying she should get back into the field of prostitution just to get some more money. one of the characters we see her closest to is Hosea, he’s a friend to her and had been the one to step up as a role-model for Jack and has spent more time with him in a day than John has in a month, so in chapter three when Hosea dies, it doesn’t get any easier for Abigail. AND HER SON LITERALLY GETS FUCKING KIDNAPPED???? she didn’t know if she’d ever even see her son again, and she does not owe John any kind of ‘thank you’ for rescuing their son. and we see the game where the gang is falling apart, characters die, people are tense and anxious, money is seemingly short no matter how much you donate, and her and her son are in what seems to be a situation they can’t escape from. I do not know every single thing she’s been through and have probably skipped over some details, but Abigail has not had the best experience in the gang.
Molly O’Shea is allowed to be upset. I already talked about her some here, but some people (@river-of-wine , @sweetybees , @dazednstoned) added things in the tags. Molly is promised a life of excitement and adventure from before the beginning of the game by Dutch, he isolates her early on so he’s really the only person she has a connection with in the gang, making her dependent on him. people in the gang and in REAL LIFE TOO are more often than not on Dutch’s side when it comes to Molly. as soon as we start chapter three Dutch becomes bored of her, already seeking out some other woman inside or out of the gang to rope into his life and his gang. so as literally any normal woman would feel, she is upset. she has no support group in the gang because of her isolation early on and the fact that most of the other women in the gang don’t care for her because she never had to do the work that they had to because Dutch made sure she would t have to. she has pent up emotions that lead to “outbursts” which only annoys the other gang members and causes her to isolate herself even more. Molly was a victim. she was not a bitch, she was not asking for too much, she was not undermining the situation, she just wanted Dutch to do the bare minimum for her.
being a woman in a gang in a world run by men was not easy. there are hundreds of other women in fiction and real life that have lived through these experiences, and the women in the VdL gang have it better than most cases, but they still don’t have it good. and this isn’t even to mention about how the world outside of the gang treated women (especially prostitutes and immigrants) at the time. a majority of the women in the VdL gang didn’t come to a good end, Abigail suffered throughout the gang, Molly and Annabelle got shot because of Dutch, Susan was Dutch’s ex and definitely suffered from his manipulation, I don’t really know about Bessie because she died of an illness and Hosea most likely treated her amazingly but she probably also went through some ordeals. the only women of the gang who really got out of the gang safe were Tilly and Mary-Beth.
Mary Linton is another thing, she does not deserve hate for leaving Arthur to live a better life, she did the smart thing by not marrying and running away with him because who knows what could’ve happened to her. I do not appreciate how she used Arthur’s emotions against him in the game and think that that is why she is a bit of a bad person, but she lived a better life than she ever would have if she was an official member of the gang. she got out before she was ever even in.
I can’t stop you from not liking characters, I’m not the biggest fan of Sadie but I can understand the hardships that all of these women went through.
#rdr2#abigail roberts#abigail marston#molly o’shea#sadie adler#woah#this is really long#anyways feeling analytical or something idk
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Of Reality and Dreams
Tw: SFW, written with a fem reader in mind, some angst followed by fluff, manga spoilers but no more than what's already floating all over the internet, slight use of profanity.
Pairing: Gojo Satoru x reader
#FreePalestine 🇵🇸
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You sit in front of your computer monitor with misty eyes in utterly shocked silence. The only thing going through your head is a perpetual chorus of "What the actual fuck?!" And "That can't be right??"
After finishing the intense second season of the hit anime Jujutsu Kaisen, you got curious about the source material, and decided it wouldn't hurt to check some spoilers, just a quick peek to find out if Gojo does in fact get unsealed from the prison realm.
What you end up learning from the online discussion forums however, is far too heartbreaking to bear.
"You don't understand," says user gege_hater101 "Gege already mentioned he hates him, this was literally inevitable."
"Still..." User I_miss_her<3 had replied "to just kill off the fan favorite mentor?"
"Fr dude, even Attack on Titan didn't kill off Levi damnit." And the discussion continues.
Some haters try to claim that Gojo was an overrated character anyways but are quickly shut down by fans and simps alike, and while the solidarity warms your heart it doesn't change the fact that Gojo Satoru's Wiki status will now say "Deceased".
You turn off your monitor and lean back against your chair's backrest. You have school tomorrow, you should really go to bed now, but you can't bring yourself to do so. You can feel your sadness deepening by the second. Gojo Satoru wasn't just a fictional character, he was a powerful phenomenon both in the world of Jujutsu Kaisen and in your real world.
"Haha... Gege wrote a masterfully crafted character that balances incredible strength with emotional vulnerability... Yet somehow he hates him? Seriously what the hell..." You wipe at your eyes to no avail, you knew for a fact if a family member were to come in and ask why you were crying you wouldn't be able to answer them. There was just no way they would understand, and that felt isolating right now.
But you knew you weren't really alone in mourning him at least, people from all around the world were commemorating and mourning him too, he has touched so many people's hearts, inspired so many...
You closed your eyes to rest them for a bit. You'll go to bed once you didn't feel like crying anymore, sobbing in bed just felt too miserable right now. You couldn't stop thinking about all the horrible things that plagued Gojo Satoru's life, only for him to not even get to live to see the fruit of his labor, you drift off thinking of how unfair all of this was.
You open your eyes and find yourself in a completely normal environment. The horse headed broom riding man is flying over your neighborhood as usual.
The sky is a beautiful shade of bright brown, what a lovely cloudless summer day this is!
Speaking of summer, a light rain is rising from the ground to the sky in lovely patterns.
Ah yes, just another normal day in your neighb-
You freeze.
You feel his presence before you see him, turning around slowly, you spot the back of a tall beanpole of a man, dressed in all black with a mop of white hair on his head, seemingly busying himself with eating some sort of candy or the other.
Ah, you realize with a start. This is a dream.
You've studied lucid dreaming before, for a school presentation, you did quite a lot of research to make sure you knew everything about such a relatively obscure topic, especially since you knew your teachers liked to ask many questions.
You take a look around your environment once more, but it's already shifted from what it was before. No matter, you focus and anchor the dream into some semblance of reality, and instead of another bizarre scene, you're now in an empty park, on a moonlit night.
You start walking towards the new location of who you hope is Gojo Satoru, it would be of very poor taste if it turned out your brain was playing a trick on you.
While researching lucid dreams, you noticed there were 3 main things of note, amongst all the other stuff.
1. In dreams in general, devices don't quite work how they're supposed to. Be it cars not starting or wall clocks telling the wrong time or even phones missing their buttons, technology just wouldn't cooperate much.
You pass by the swings swaying on a phantom wind, which wasn't of your doing, but you didn't have enough experience to make everything bend to your will perfectly.
2. When you try opening a book or looking at some other form of written content, they would either be blank or only have gibberish in them. What's more, if you were to look away then look back again, the contents would almost always change, if the item itself didn't change entirely.
You're close now, just a few more steps.
3. Finally, there was the matter of people. Studies have consistently shown that for whatever reason, any entity considered as a "person" in the dream, could not be controlled by the lucid dreamer whatsoever; their choices couldn't be psychically influenced or swayed, they acted as if they truly were a separate person from the dreamer. The human brain was quite mysterious and did things like that sometimes.
Finally, you're right behind him. You raise a hesitant hand and try tapping his back. Your hand thankfully doesn't end up going through his back, and instead he simply turns around, candy now gone, and to your immense relief, you are currently in the presence of Gojo Satoru. Or well- dream Gojo Satoru. Anyways.
You can't see his eyes with his signature blindfold present, but you were more preoccupied with his personality at the moment anyways. Did your brain get it right? Or was he just a hollow statue...?
"Oh, what do we have here? Trying to get an audience with the strongest, most handsome, and everyone's number one favourite teacher, Gojo Satoru!?" He asks with dramatic movements and poses, it seems you needn't have worried. "Well, make yourself interesting, then!"
You couldn't stop yourself and started bawling right then and there.
"You- you said you would win!!! You said even if Sukuna was at full power, you could beat him!!!" At first, you're giving him a couple of light shoves, but soon you're hitting him repeatedly, not strong enough to hurt (not that you could anyways, he didn't even bother to turn infinity on) just strong enough to show how upset you were. "Gojo Satoru you liar!!!" Your tears aren't stopping any time soon, but your hits stop short when Gojo grabs your wrists. You loose your steam quickly enough, and all you muster up is a quiet "Why did you die?"
Gojo blinks. "Whoa! Calm down." He lets go of one wrist in favor of patting your head. "Look at me, I am here! Alive!" He announces, pointing at himself with his other hand theatrically.
"Haaah, so you can't tell? This is just a dream, Gojo-san. Neither of us are really here." You say, motioning to the park around you both. "And you're dead, Sukuna killed you."
"Hmph. You're quite stubborn, aren't you? Fine, I'll show you that I am real! I'll remove my blindfold and show you my face! But prepare yourself, and take a good look at my eyes!"
You consider his words. Does it even matter whether or not he realizes the truth? As you said, this is a dream, it would make no difference either way once you woke up. But while you are here, what is it that you want to accomplish? What should you be doing right now, with this rare opportunity?
"Are you ready?!" He interrupts your train of thought, then proceeds to remove his black blindfold, showing off his most gorgeous bright blue eyes.
"Ahhhhhh, it's your pretty eyes!" You exclaim happily. "I swear everytime I see them I think a good chunk of the animation budget had to be spent on them alone." You say with a grin.
"Hehehe! That's right, my beautiful bewitching eyes that capture the hearts of both women and men! No one else has them! Do you understand now? I'm alive and well." With his eyes now exposed, it was easier to see his teasing for what it was: an attempt to hide his worry. To him you were a complete stranger yet he still felt the need to comfort you and he made sure to calm your distressed state. It seems that your brain didn't just recreate what you knew about Gojo Satoru, but even expanded on it.
"You're... so sweet Gojo-san, you really deserved better in life... Strongest or not you're still a human being, I truly wish fate didn't keep trampling on your existence and feelings." Loosing Riko, Suguru, Nanami and Megumi... Just what was the point of putting such a good person through so much? What was Gege trying to teach who?!
You notice Gojo has been silent for a while now and look up, only to see his carefully neutral face, but he must not be used to hiding the emotions in his eyes, because you could tell he was touched. Eventually, he relents and says in a far calmer and more serious tone: "You know... I think this makes top 3 of the nicest and most thoughtful things anyone has ever said to me."
You give him a soft yet sad smile. "Yeah I'm not surprised. You're surrounded by people who love you, but in the kind of world you live in? Everyone is bound to be very preoccupied with their own issues, not to mention they don't get the same chances to see what the audience sees when it comes to your character... Still. I assure you, millions of people love and cherish you, you're our precious Sensei after all, and you make us stand proud to be the generation influenced by your guidance!" You wait for him to say something, but he seems unable to formulate an answer. You also notice his eyes misting up.
"Gojo-san, I need you to understand that even if the person who brought you into existence hates you and wishes you were gone, that has never stoped us and I doubt it ever will. You'll always have a special place in our hearts, Gojo-sensei!"
By the end of your speech, your smile is so bright and genuine it actually hurts your cheeks a little.
One moment you're standing there, smiling at him, and the next you have a set of strong arms wrapped around your form, tight but not crushingly so.
"Thank you." You hear the words whispered, and as your arms reach up to hug him back, your eyes open, and you're no longer in a park, standing, or in the presence of Gojo Satoru.
You quickly turn your monitor back on. You have just had a moment of realization, but if you wait it could get wiped from your memory along with your dream.
On the online forum, you join the discussion.
"I thought about this whole thing for a while, and I think I came to an interesting conclusion. Gege hates Gojo Satoru, right? So much so that he'd eliminate him from his story to not have to deal with him any more. Well that's alright, it's his story after all guys, he has the right to get rid of his least favorite character and try to forget all about him. But y'all know what? Fandoms of popular media can last a long time, a decade, maybe two if we're lucky. Remember this is the internet, Gege's story is one thing, but this here is our domain, not his. So for the next decade, no two decades, let's not let him forget, the name GOJO SATORU!!!"
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Y'all don't understand how much I cried writing this 😭😭😭
From the river to the sea Palestine will be free ❤️💖
#jjk gojo#gojo satoru#gojo x reader#jujutsu gojo#jjk#jjk x you#jjk x y/n#jjk x reader#gojo x you#fanfic#fluff#jjk x fem!reader#gojo is precious#gojo is baby#gojo is alive in our hearts
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Here For You
Jake Lockley x f!reader (Steven Grant x f!reader, Marc Spector x f!reader mentioned briefly)
Warnings: Some swearing, negative self talk um...Jake being so <333
A/N: Can y'all tell I'm running out of GIFs to use I need to rebuild my collection. ANYWAY. This is funny because y'all REALLY liked the first soft Jake Lockley (thank you!!) and i literally wrote that one in like 2 hours and this one took a week + editing and I actually don't like it a lot but...here it is? I will probably write fluffy comfort stuff for the other boys + other characters but that will be to come <3 I'm gonna tag a few people who really liked the first one in this but please don't feel obliged to read!! THANK YOU <3
-Clem
Synopsis: You were starting to feel the negativity creep up and take hold of your mind again, but luckily, Jake is always there to make you feel better.
Word count: 1529 (mm.)
Bad days sucked.
Everyone had them, but sometimes it really felt like the world was out to get you more than it was there to help.
You were in the kitchen, cutting up vegetables as you waited for Jake to get home from work.
It felt childish, to feel so out of your skin, but your mind couldn’t stop running through every small awkward thing that happened, or every wrong step you’d taken.
Maybe you should start working out more.
Maybe you should eat less.
Maybe you need to find a better job.
Maybe you did need to get better clothes.
Maybe you needed to start putting in more effort.
Maybe you weren’t doing enough, despite feeling so drained from all the work you did.
Maybe you needed to just do better.
You shuddered, feeling the icky feeling snake through your body and cover your skin in an uncomfortable layer. You sighed, putting everything down as you dug your palms into the edge of the counter, stretching out and taking a deep breath.
It’s okay. It’ll go away soon.
You screwed your eyes shut, trying to ease the overwhelming ache in your chest. It grew and took your body captive, settling a heavy weight over your shoulders and on your heart, making your mind feel sluggish.
“Cariño?” You heard Jake’s gruff voice before you saw him as his arms wrapped tightly around you, holding you steadily and pulling you into his chest. He still had his gloves on and his work jacket, and his voice was laced with concern. “Cariño, are you okay?”
You took a deep breath, leaning your head back as your body melted into Jake. “Mm…yeah,” You mumbled halfheartedly. You hated doing this to him. It was like a broken record. Everything was perfect until one bad day led to all three boys running and crowding over you to make sure you were okay. A day led to a week, and sometimes when you felt really shitty, even more, and it just left them extremely worried and on edge.
You always tried, you really did, to keep it at bay and try to keep the bad days away, because you hated seeing them worry and you hated how it always came back no matter how hard you tried, and it made you feel like you just couldn’t be properly happy. It made you feel horrible and guilty for worrying them so much.
But bad days always come, no matter how hard you try and of all three, Jake was always the first to catch on. He noticed the way the tension started building, how you’d start sleeping less and isolating yourself. It became clear signs that he tried to catch early, but it slipped sometimes, out of the blue and it constantly made his heart hurt to see you ache so badly.
“Yeah? You sure?” He pressed his lips to the top of your head.
“Yeah…I’m sure. Just a little off,”
He hummed. “Yeah? Why?”
You shrugged, turning around to wrap your arms tightly around him. “Dunno. Bad day I guess,”
“Aw, poor bebita,” You could practically hear his mind whirling a million miles an hour trying to run through the past few weeks, to try and maybe catch a problem. You felt horrible, because you had no way of explaining to him that there is no problem, sometimes you just didn’t feel good- but he found that hard to understand. If you were upset, there had to be a reason, right? And he’s going to search for that reason so he can find a way to fix it.
But when you don’t give him a reason, it makes him feel useless and that makes you feel even shittier.
“It’s okay!” You tried to reassure him quickly, pulling away to give him a small smile. “It’s fine, please don’t worry about it. I’m just being a burden again,”
His face quickly changed from a soft pout to a confused look. “What?”
You frowned, detaching yourself from him. “What?”
“The-” He shook his head. “Burden? Who said you were being a burden?”
“No one! No one said-it just slipped, bad habit right?” You tried laughing it off, noticing the way he frowned deeper with concern with every passing second. You quickly turned back to making dinner, trying to ignore him and the suddenly awkward conversation.
“Amor.” He said firmly.
“Hm?”
“Look at me,”
“I’m cooking dinner, I can’t,”
“I’m serious,”
“So am I,”
When he didn’t offer something back, you thought you had won the argument, until you felt his strong arms wrap around you tightly, lifting you and effortlessly placing you on the counter. He reached over and turned off the stove, before turning his attention back to you as he placed himself between your thighs, hands firmly gripping your waist as he searched your face.
“Alright princesa, no more avoiding confrontations. What’s up?”
“Nothing,” You tried pushing him away, but he wouldn’t budge. You tried wiggling away, but he held you right in place. “Jaaaakeeee,” You whined. “Let me go right this second,”
“Absolutely not,” He pouted, his big brown eyes melting into the biggest, saddest puppy eyes you’ve ever seen a man pull before.
“Put those away!” You covered his face with your hands as you looked away.
“Mi vida por favor…” He trailed a lazy kiss down your jawline. “Tell me what’s wrong,”
You grumbled, feeling the fight dissolve in you. “That’s the thing. Nothing is wrong! Everything is perfect! Job’s going great, money is awesome, life’s going absolutely wonderful and yet for some fucking reason I’m once again feeling like shit, even when everything’s going right!”
He deflated a little, surprised by your outburst.
“See! You’re even stunned speechless,” You ran a hand down your face, sighing heavily. “I just- I’m constantly dumping my problems on you and you’re forced to put up with them, even when you have your own issues to deal with. I mean- for fuck’s sake Jake, you just came home from work and you’re probably exhausted and need to rest to go out again later tonight and instead of letting you rest and giving you something to eat I’m sitting here complaining and whining!”
He looked at you for a solid minute after your outburst, eyes roaming over your face as he stayed silent. “You really think you’re burdening me?”
“I-...”
“Don’t you always tell us it’s okay to ask for help?” He shook his head, his hands rubbing your side gently. “Why do you go back on that when it comes to you, hm?” He smiled but there was a hint of sadness in his eyes. “You’re allowed to ask for help, bebita. Especially here,”
You hummed, kissing him back. “Okay. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be worrying you so much,”
He shook his head. “No more apologising. We’re gonna go sit on the couch and talk, and I’m gonna order food-”
“-But-”
“No buts,” He pressed a soft kiss to your lips. “And we’re just gonna chill, okay? Until you feel better,”
“I don’t deserve you,”
You felt your eyes tear up again, and this time you didn’t bother trying to stop as the tears fell over the edge. You weren’t sure why you were crying. The joy of having him by your side? The feeling of relief, knowing you don’t burden them? The overwhelming sense of love you feel for this precious, devastatingly handsome man?
Probably. “I love you,”
“I love you too, and we’re here, I’m here for you, through anything and everything, got it?” You nodded and he kissed you again, before pulling away and smiling softly. “Now. Food?”
You laughed, feeling the ache that engulfed your body earlier starting to make room for absolutely unfiltered joy. “Yeah, food sounds good,”
#jake lockley x f!reader#jake lockley imagine#jake lockley fic#jake lockley comfort#jake lockley fluff#moon knight x f!reader#moon knight#jake lockley#moon knight system#marc spector#moonknight#steven grant#jake lockely
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Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I think you’re projecting onto Fizz a lot regarding the whole “he needs to go back to the circus” thing. Like I don’t know you, I don’t know your story, but it’s something that’s not really a part of Fizz’s story at all in canon. He’s moved on. That doesn’t mean he can’t interact with anyone other than Ozzie ever again (some fans make them WAY too codependent). But I don’t think it’s healthy for him/you to dwell on that.
There’s no “right way” to say something as rude and silly as this to somebody, because I have a headcanon or theory about a show that you don’t like, lol? Are you trying to embarrass me into shutting up?
I cant get to the bottom of why the fandom wants to pretend that he isn’t from that place, you want to pretend it never happened and is never mentioned again. Ever. Why? Is he too clean for such a dirty past of poverty? Do you not want to see him have a single positive connection to his past. Or did it all mean nothing and Ozzie fixed it all. Maybe I don’t know your story but could you be running from your past, hiding from the people from it, and projecting onto fizz 🙃/j
Another case of ‘arguing against something I didn’t say’ disease…that’s one thing that infuruates me.
I dont want him to go back to them forever and to leave Asmodeus and move in with them💀 I want him to have conversations with the people who for all intents and purposes, are his family. So we can see what the dynamic was like and how it changed. Hell, even if it’s Cash Buckzos funeral and we see the whole troupe reunited and talking to each other for the event. Then getting into it about who all his money should go to, cause the twins don’t want it, or something. Loonas family/parents also left her. That doesn’t mean we should never see a scene where she meets them and speaks to them.
Just look at these characters from the past. Five jester clowns who look almost exactly like Fizz does now. The difference is their hats have the original logo, fizz has a heart. Hey, maybe he still keeps one of his jester hats with the old logo on it which he keeps hidden away in the back of the wardrobe, gathering dust, but he doesn’t toss it out. Like you seem to think he should. Because not every memory is bad, and that’s ok. Pretending you don’t have a past and don’t have any relatives or memories, that is what’s unhealthy anon.
Isn’t there a part of you that would be interested to see him finally not feel like he’s completely out of place and feel like he’s one of them and they aren’t lost forever like he thought? He keeps saying how much he’s lost, over and over in Oops and his song. And in Mammons, it’s painfully obvious that him losing his entire home family and life in a horrible accident, is what makes him so afraid to “lose” (—it all again) The second life he built. You’re acting like he’s not lost anything. And isn’t even traumatised anymore cause he has Ozzie. Cause uh, lemme tell you that’s not how trauma works.
Wouldnt it be nice. Just once. For there to be a typical family moment where he’s mistaken for and called by one of their names by accident? And he laughs and is happy, because that’s not something that ever happens? He doesn’t feel like he sticks out so much? Heck I ship him with Blitzø and I’d never want for Blitzø to be the one and only person who ever mattered to him back then. That’d be strangely isolating. Acting like he has no past kills his story.
You guys are really…really weird and defensive about me wanting him to talk about his past, look back on it, actually show us him mourning it even. It’s not going to threaten fizzarozzie. Calm down. You’re literally pretending where he grew up, where he was injured, and who raised him from a child isn’t an important part of his story. Only Asmodeus is?? Wtf. That’s actually ridiculous. Do you also never want Barbie or Blitzø to ever ever dare speak of it again? Cause it isnt part of their story?
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Honestly, there’s something that I’m struggling with, I’m like salmacian, and I have bottom dysphoria, that’s like really really really bad, and I’m planning on getting bottom surgery, but honestly, I kinda don’t know how I’m gonna deal with the whole isolation aspect of it all. Cause like, the queer community HATES us bro, so while I love the idea of finally feeling free in my body it sucks because it makes me feel like I have to choose between my life and my community; my bottom dysphoria has been making me wanna kms, I mean like literally curl up in a ball and drop dead, and then you see people on Twitter and shit saying “if you feel dysphoria in this way you *SHOULD* kill yourself” and that’s really challenging for me, I can’t really go to irl queer spaces or transition right now (toxic family situation) but it’s crazy for all these queer spaces to be about “being your true self” just “NOT LIKE THAT” I hope IRL queer spaces will be better, but like I can’t just die because other queer people don’t like my dysphoria, but it’s also kinda hard to find others like me.
Like, what do I even do here?? Do I just pretend I’m cis? Do I publicly ID as nonbinary and pretend I’ve never had bottom surgery, do I pretend I’m like binary transmasc, and also like, in this vein, I think it’s funny (horrible) how nonbinary people literally get hate no matter what we do, we don’t transition? Then we’re bad cringy transtrenders and the reason cis people hate trans people, we transition? We’re evil incarnate, we just can’t win lmaooo. 💀
First of all, I’d recommend distancing yourself from spaces that promote anti-salmacian bigotry and trying to engage yourself in online pro-salmacian spaces as much as possible. Do whatever you have to in order to disconnect from the people who hock the idea that salmacians are bad or salmacian transitions are somehow immoral. If you haven’t checked out r/salmacian, I would highly suggest it– its the biggest (and really, only) community of salmacians I’m aware of and it can be really refreshing to be in a space entirely centered around us and our desires and needs. Connecting with other salmacians can be so healing, especially getting to see people who have physically transitioned and reminding yourself that it is possible to have that body and be happy. It also reminds you that there are so many of us out there– pretty much everytime I talk about being salmacian on here, I see new people who have never realized that “its a thing” and there’s a word for it. It is so much more normal to be salmacian than bigots will make it seem.
This post on the subreddit talks about dating as salmacians, and the consensus seems to be that the trans dating scene seems to be pretty accepting of salmacians– obviously that’s not going to be the case everywhere, but weird queers have existed since time immemorial. When you are surrounded by (especially online) regressive bigots, it really warps your view of reality and makes it hard to truly believe that that isn’t the universal standard. Its near impossible to thrive when you are in the situation, which is why its so vital to surround yourself with proof that that isn’t the standard. I promise you that you will be able to find a community that will find the idea that your dysphoria is “evil” to be fucking ridiculous and support your salmacian identity– you might even find other salmacians, or help other people realize its an achievable option!
I strongly agree with how nonbinary people get treated re: transitioning. Obviously binary people are not overall treated better but it really does suck there’s no way to be nonbinary that doesn’t involve hate– either you don’t transition (or don’t “really”/”fully” transition) and get seen as a transtrender who doesn’t know what its REALLY like, or you have a “weird” transition and get treated like a weird fetish-chaser or a TLC short and not, like, a person who just wants to control their own body. Tbh I would love to see more nonbinary/genderqueer-centered community stuff, along with more discussion of exorsexism that isn’t just “diet transmisogyny/transandrophobia” or “general transphobia.” Ik a lot of post-bottom surgery trans people feel disconnected from the trans community, and I myself have thought about how I’m going to go about… engaging with others and identifying myself post-op. Honestly I would love a salmacian4salmacian relationship but idk if that will ever be in the cards!
& when it comes to salmacians & exorsexism there’s so much stereotyping us as horny freaks (which is a bad thing apparently!) whose dysphoria/euphoria is Evil and Twisted and like… 1. thats just Transmisogyny 2: Electric Boogaloo 2. as if its our fault that 99% of salmacian rep is in fetish porn, so there are so many of us whose only exposure to the concept of being salmacian is through that lens. Or as if its inherently evil to feel sexually satisified with a body that brings you joy? (also this doesn’t even get into the way that so much discussion around transness is not prepared for altersex transitions & the reality of nonbinary people who are physically androgynous and how no, you can’t just slap binary theory onto our bodies and assume its going to cover our experiences, which is why while I would not call myself intersex I do feel a strong sense of solidarity with intersex people bc of the shared “stop assuming your forced rebinarization of myself and my body is okay or coherent”… but anyways!)
I’d love to see a stronger salmacian community, and know that you (or anyone else!) can send me asks about being salmacian, whether to learn more or for advice or just to share experiences/vent and I will be overjoyed to respond. I love talking about being salmacian and helping other people learn about it.
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I love your work so much aaaaaAAAAA!!!
Ok so imma be straightforward, this is straight up me coping with irl stuff and reading your work makes me forget the cruel outside world so HERE WE GO!
Caine and Kinger x S/O who hides who they are out of fear of negative responses. Bottles it all up until they can't handle it anymore. Like, the reader is very much used to being the therapist/caretaker and is often very happy and doesn't hesitate to help others but silently they think rudely of others, holding their tounge constantly and even mutter under their breath about others being annoying. Ofc they don't want others to see who they truly are, in fear of rejection or their worst fear, isolation. They hate this part of themselves, like why do they have these horrible thoughts about others? It even borders on abstraction.
They can only feel comfortable around their partner and try their best not to vent too much but Caine/Kinger can sense something is wrong and even see their S/O glitching a bit and ask what's wrong and say its ok (in their own special ways!) and the reader just finally cracks, and in their glitching voice is sobbing on how much of a terrible person they are and how they deserve to be in this digital hell for being so horrible.
Im so normal about this. And just so it's not so hard to think of a title, I recommend "Caine and Kinger x reader who pretends!" you don't have to use it but it's there!
Unsavory thoughts (Caine and kinger x reader)!
UEAAA THIS GOT BURIED IM SO SO SO SORRY ANON!! I truly did not mean to take this long to get to your request :(
That said I'm so happy to hear that my silly writing has a positive impact on people.. please remember to drink water and get plenty of rest, remember that there are people that care about you
Hands you a glass of juice
I got silly with Caines piece
CAINE:
KINGER:
Between the two it takes him a little while longer to realize that something is wrong with you. I mean hes still trying to learn all these emotions that make people.. human
Absolutely panics when he sees you glitch out. I'm talking his eyes fly out of his jaws as they hang open panic. Rushes to you to see if you're okay... god forbid youre abstracting... maybe he can help ground you, or something?
Listens to you talk, for once the ringmaster is quiet. Rubs your back
You... have mean thoughts about people...?
Is it not okay to dislike people? Is it not reasonable to be irritable in a new environment? Is it not normal to have at least a few terrible thoughts about others? Are you any less worthy of support or love because you're not a ray of sunshine?
Is this not what being human is about?
Of course he wouldnt say it exactly like that, but he would carry the same message, I think. Is what you're experiencing not a natural part of the human experience?
Yes, you can argue that caine is an AI and he has no place to speak on matters like these, but as your partner he wont let you go without comfort and reassurance
He let's you talk and let it all out. I think going forward he makes it a point to make sure you get time alone, and time with him... makes IHAs more "non intrusive" so you can opt out if you dont want to interact with the others
Very accommodating, I think
Unlike caine he catches on really fast that theres something wrong, something even larger than you're letting on. But still, he let's you do your small but rare vents... until he returns to you after briefly taking some time away from you for one reason or another to find you having a melt down. He thinks you're abstracting, and you probably are. Honestly I can see kinger doing the grounding technique (the 5 sense thing) and he tries to guide you through it to help calm you down enough to pull yourself together just enough to stabilize. Listens to your word vomit as you spill your guts out to him. While I domt think he would be as.. profound as caine... he carries a comfort only sweet old people can possess. And it calms you down. It's not an immediate solution, but its comforting nonetheless. He let's you sleep in his arms. He goes on to stand between you and others to try to keep you from getting too irritated or overwhelmed by the others; however he will stand to the side if you ask him to
Very protective of you but even more so after this
#tadc x reader#the amazing digital circus x reader#digital circus x reader#caine x reader#kinger x reader
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I never lost him
Trigger warnings for PTSD, mentions of war, torture, etc. Just unapologetic cuddling and comfort ft. Steve Rodgers.
Bucky Barnes x F Reader
Chapter 5
3500 words
fluff, angst, comfort.
18+ MDNI Post TWS Steve realises that he's not the only one looking for Sargent Barnes. Reader is Tony’s sister, a non-enhanced shield agent who recently resurfaced.
When morning finally comes, it’s her who wakes first, stretching and yawning and running her hands through her lovers hair to soothe him when he starts to come round, too.
“Hi, handsome” she whispers, letting him nudge her jaw with his nose in greeting, “Sleep well?”
Not really, Bucky thinks grimly, fighting back against the lingering, nightmarish visions still burning behind his eyes, But I slept, so I guess that’s something.
Y/N knows what his silence means. She draws him in a fraction closer, bringing her lips to his brow.
His metal arm lets out a low moan, polished fingers furling against her hip bone.
“How do you wanna do this, doll?”
She quirks a brow, letting him move up to peer at her with tired eyes.
“Today” he clarifies, “The move”
Bucky watches curiously as she smiles at him, letting her fingers roll along his jaw, down, so that they can tickle his neck, too.
“However you want, Buck”
Her voice is like honey. It’s thick, and sweet, and he’d drown in it, if he could.
“I want it over with…” he says, harsher than he’d intended.
Y/N chuckles at that, light and airy.
“That’s fair” she allows, playing with his hair, “Want me to call Steve? or Tony, maybe… Tony could make up some excuse, get rid of him for a couple of hours?”
Bucky’s lip purses, he shuts his eyes for a minute, and considers wether or not orchestrating an event to remove his oldest friend from the building might be a step too far.
“You… You think he’d buy it?”
“I don’t think it matters-” she says, calm “-if SHEILD call him in for something, he has to go check it out”
“You didn’t mention anythin’ about SHEILD”
“My brother has some pull with head-office” she reminds him, “It’s the easiest way to clear everyone who’s not staff out of the tower”
He looks unhappy for a moment, but then his expression shifts to considerate.
Eventually, after a few deep breathes, he nods.
“Do… Do I get my own room?” he asks, voice almost jovial-
Y/N laughs, already on her mobile.
“Sure you do, Barnes” she tells him, “It’s bein’ made up as we speak, we settled on blue for the decor”
She lowers her phone, expecting to see some kind of smile on his face.
Maybe those genuine expectations are why the look of pure horror catches her so off guard.
“Hey-” she bursts, “-Hey— What’s the matter?”
The device she’d been clutching lies forgotten by her legs, as she reaches over to stroke his cheeks with both of her hands.
Silently, Bucky reaches up, so that he can bring one set of her knuckles to his lips. He presses a kiss against her thumb, and hopes she can’t feel the way his jaw is quaking.
“You want a different colour?” she presses, aiming for humorous, “Or-”
He shakes his head, drawing in a breath through his nose.
“..I… I thought we… we’d be staying together…”
There isn’t a question in his voice. He’s not asking for clarification. He’s already settled on his conclusion and that is what she thinks is the most upsetting.
“Do you really believe I’d just leave you on your own like that?”
Blue eyes widen, he clutches her hand a little tighter as he stares at her, and then he shakes his head.
“No” he confesses, voice breaking now, “No, but if-”
“You have your own room for if you want it” Y/N explains, “It’s there for you if you want your own space, but nobody— Not a single person is going to take me away from you, okay?”
She knows what he fears. He’s told her. He’s spent a long time telling her all the horrible ways he’s been kept over the years, and she’s long since realised that isolation is what scares him most.
Her assurance settles him. He nods, and kissers her hand before lowering it back to the sheets.
“Will…” Bucky makes himself ask, “…Will we be going to your room, then?”
He wants details, she realises, He wants to know exactly what’s going to happen.
That’s fair. That’s more than fair, really.
“When we have a time” she begins, tone deliberately calm, “Then we’ll get started here, Buck… We’ll grab whatever you want to bring and we’ll take my car back to the tower…”
He’s watching her, clearly hanging on her every word.
“…then…” she continues, “…then we’ll park in lower garage and take the elevator up to the main block—“
“Main block?”
The genuine intrigue in his voice makes her smile, she brings his hand to her lips this time, kissing the cool metal as she nods.
“The main block” he hears her confirm, “There are a couple of out-buildings, Buck… Trainin’ areas, workshops, guest houses, bits like that”
He’s awestruck, but he just nods, waiting for her to continue reciting their plan for the day;
“So” Y/N sighs, “Once we’re inside, we’ll head straight up to our suite”
“Our” he cuts in again, the word feeling foreign on his tongue, “Our?”
That is definitely a question.
“Well, yeah” she beams, “If we’re goin’ to share, then that makes it ours, doesn’t it?”
He lets out a disbelieving scoff, the hand he’s not clinging to hers with going up to scratch at his jaw.
“…And once we’re in there…” Y/N says, “…then we can do whatever you want, Buck… We have all the toys, and a kitchen, and a bathroom with a proper tub…”
“And Steve?”
“When he comes home?…” she checks, waiting for his nod before continuing, “…We’ll be in our room by then, won’t we?”
He nods again, watching her.
“So, I think that answer falls under ‘we can do whatever you want’-” she replies, “-As soon as we get inside our door is going to lock, the only people gettin’ in are people we let in so whatever happens is totally up to you”
He pauses then, mid breath as his brow furrows with consideration.
“Do…” he gulps, “…Do we have to tell him I’m there?”
“No” Y/N allows, “But he’s not stupid, Buck, after a couple of days he’s bound to figure it out and I think it might be a little bit kinder not to drag it out too long…“
Again, his expression shifts to something awfully thoughtful. This time, she can’t help but reach over to stroke his hair back, away from his eyes.
Her phone buzzes, but she ignores it. Relishing instead, in the way he’s pushing back against her touch.
“We… We have to tell him today”
The certainty in his tone is oddly familiar. She knows what it sounds like when he’s set on something, when his minds been made up. Trying to talk him out of whatever it is, is a waste of energy. She’s curious though, about how he’d come to his decision;
“Why?”
Bucky blinks at her, looking resigned.
“It’s like you said, doll…” he sighs, “…He’ll find out anyway, in a couple’of days, and then… then if he knows that I hid from him he’s only going’ to feel guilty— like I… like I don’t trust him and I—” he runs a hand through his hair, “—I do.”
That makes sense. She nods.
“If I tell him I need space, do you really think he’ll back off?”
“Do you?” she challenges, knowing that’s what really matters.
After another momentary pause, he inhales, squeezing her fingers again.
“Yeah” he whispers, “Yeah, I— I trust him.”
With an approving smile, Y/N nods again, releasing his hand so that she can grab her cell phone that has been vibrating unhappily by her knee.
Bucky watches her curiously as she unlocks it, reading whatever is on her screen. He’s about to ask when she laughs, rolling her eyes and slipping it back onto the nightstand.
“Tony already had it covered” she tells him, “He says he scheduled everyone including himself in for a full morning of charity gigs— y’know? meet and greets, photo opps with kids, that kinda thing— he, uh, thought about using his connections with SHEILD but didn’t think you’d like the idea of gettin’ them involved, so he went with this instead…”
Bucky’s jaw drops.
“Smart, really—” Y/N continues, “—Captain America can’t bail on things like that, not with press swarmin’ around”
The man is still staring at her, lamely trying to wrap his head around the idea that her brother has had the forethought to arrange something like this for him. For his benefit, for the benefit of the man that killed his parents—
“So” her calm voice drawls, “We have ‘till three to get settled. That’s plenty of time, love.”
He forces a smile, but Y/N can see that he’s not quite present.
“Do you want to get breakfast?” she presses, trying to coax him back to her, to the present, where she can kiss his cheek, “or—”
Bucky’s head shakes slowly. He tries to think of anything other than the sound of Howard Stark begging for his life.
“Can we go now?” he asks, suddenly needing to move, “Can… Can we just… go?”
“Hey…” Y/N soothes, sitting up to kiss at his cheek, “Sure we can, but, just— breathe for me, love, look at me”
He does, blue eyes blink to hers, and she watches tears fill them.
“I’m sorry” he whispers, “I’m so, so sorry”
And just like that, she knows he’s not apologising for anything he’s done recently. In her opinion, he’s not apologising for anything he has ever done.
Still, she knows that’s a pointless road to go down right now, so, she nods, and kisses him again.
“…I know…I know you are” he hears her swear, “…It’s okay…”
“I didn’t mean too” he sniffs, “I…”
“I know” she says again, “Sweetheart, I know you didn’t”
He looks so desperate, that for a second she reconsiders all of this. Maybe he’d be better off right here, with her, away from Tony, and Steve and Natasha and any other reminder of a past he should never have had to live through… But then, he blinks, ducking his head and sniffing back tears, as his free hand comes up to tug at the dog tag that he hasn’t taken off since she’d given it to him, and she knows they have to try.
“Bucky” she whispers, “I love you— I know this isn’t easy, but you’ve gotta hear me when I tell you that I wouldn’t put you in danger”
“I know” he agrees weakly, “I know, and I… I love you too, doll— I… I really do, and I trust you, I- I just, I feel so bad… like everythin’ that happened was because I wasn’t strong enough to stop it and I- I don’t want to wait too long now and freak out, I- I just want to get movin’…”
That makes a whole lot of sense, so she nods, pressing a final kiss against his cheek before straightening up a fraction and suggesting that they get started on packing.
He doesn’t want to bring much, and most of her belongings are already at the tower.
It’s sad really, how everything he owns fits into a backpack.
Y/N does try and convince him to bring any trinkets he’s grown attached too, any books or maybe some of the clothes they’ve stocked into the closets, but, he declines, confessing that he’s barely touched anything outside of the kitchen, including the wardrobe.
“I don’t need much” he says, baseball cap firmly in place, “I don’t think I’ve ever kept clutter”
She rolls her eyes, holding onto his gloved hand as they start to towards the door.
“Lucky for you I have plenty” she scoffs, “we’ll have to order you some proper clothes though, Buck, that henley is older than me.”
“I’m older than you”
She laughs at his rebuttal, and he cracks his first real smile of the morning.
He manages to keep it well into their journey. The pair chatter about nothing. About the cost of sweaters and the way her brother dresses sometimes.
It’s only when they pull up outside the towers back gates that his expression turns dower.
There’s a concerned crease between his brow, and his eyes are flicking around their new surroundings in an obvious act of surveillance.
Y/N doesn’t comment on the shift, she just holds his hand as the door to the internal garage opens, and the car slows to a crawl in it’s usual space.
“What’s your threat level, huh?”
She’d started asking him that years ago. When she’d needed to try and find a way of letting a terrified solider let her know how scared he was, without having to say it out-right.
He finds it just as comforting now, which is probably why they still use the system so often.
“6” is the answer Bucky settles on after a beat of consideration.
“Want to take a minute?” she offers, “they others are out, they won’t be back ‘till much later on.”
“Maybe?” he says, “Could… could I take a look around?”
He wants to familiarise himself with his new environment. To scan it for any threats that might’ve once been lurking in the shadows.
“Sure” she agrees, opening her own car door, “You can look wherever you want”
He doesn’t venture far. He just circles the room, stopping every few paces to examine something he’s decided might be important.
This isn’t new behaviour. He’s been this way ever since she’d first met him, and she’s long since abandoned trying to decipher how much of this overly cautious attitude was there before HYDRA trained it into him.
There must’ve been something there before. Some small spark of nervousness that has only been heightened by the trauma of his experiences.
Maybe I’ll ask Steve, she muses dryly, I’m sure he’d love to tell me all about how he was when they were younger.
“Is… is there somethin’ below us, doll?” Bucky asks growing still at Y/N’s side,
“Yeah, sweetheart” she answers, “It’s just storage— it’s full of Tony’s scraps.”
Bucky nods, seemingly satisfied.
“4” is what he says, reaching out for her hand, “Is there a security system?”
That makes her laugh, a real, untempered laugh bursting through her lips as they head towards the entrance.
“FRIDAY— This is Bucky”
His eyes narrow, with confusion, and then, they widen as a gentle glow of blue flutters across his vision.
“Nice to meet you Sargent Barnes— I am FRIDAY”
“8” he bursts, fingers tightening around her own as a sudden flush of panic tightens around his chest, “8”
“Hey” Y/N soothes, realising that this display might be more than a little bit jarring, “Hey, it’s okay— she’s the security system, she’s our AI, it’s alright”
He blinks 3 times fast, trying to keep his breathing steady.
“I’ve been informed by your brother that he is to be given full family access, is that still applicable?”
“Wh-what does she… what does she mean?”
“She means-” Y/N exhales, “-That Tony told her that you were coming”
That seems to settle him for a beat. He slips back into silence and she can’t help but lean in and press a kiss against his cheek.
“Is… Is she real?”
Her head quirks at that, a smile tugging at her lips.
“Why don’t you ask her?”
“She… she can hear me?” he asks, “All the time?”
“Not exactly, Sargent Barnes— I can only hear you when I’m listening. Daily conversations are filtered by the lower levels of my programming so that I don’t intercept private information.”
“My… My name is Bucky” he says, eyes looking up and around at the ceiling, “Are… are you a real person?”
“No, Bucky. I am a type of Artificial Intelligence programmed by the Starks to manage the various systems that are integrated throughout their homes and technology.”
“So, you’re… you’re a computer?”
“If that makes it easier for you to understand” she allows, “but not really.”
Y/N laughs again, and squeezes his hand.
“She has a personality, and independent thought. We coded her, but it’s not as simple as her just being a computer.”
“Like Vision?” he asks, trying to make sense of the bizarity of the situation, “You told me about him”
“Kind of” she agrees, “He started off as JARVIS, who handled things before FRIDAY, but he’s got a physical body, now, and a little extra kick from the stone.”
“So” Bucky exhales, “She’s runs the security?”
“She runs everything” Y/N says proudly, “We have tones of security protocols, Buck- Force fields, DNA walls, facial recognition and genetic detectors - It’d be impossible to have all of those monitored by staff 24/7, so FRIDAY oversees them, checks them for bugs or abnormalities.”
“Can I see?” he asks suddenly, “Not right now- but, but one day, I- I’d really like to see how it all works.”
Her heart swells in her chest as she sees the genuine spark of interest behind his eyes.
It’s so sweet, seeing him letting himself admit to his curiosity that she can’t help but kiss him again.
“Sure” she promises, “Sure you can, as soon as we get settled, I’ll pull up all the screens with you, give you a guided tour, okay?”
“That sounds nice” he muses, “I… I always liked tech, ever since I was a kid I… I used to think it was magic, I always said if I’d’ve been able to go to school it would’ve been for somethin’ like that”
“Look at you” she teases, “Beauty and brains.”
He scoffs, eyes rolling as she inches in towards him;
“Still at an 8?” she murmurs, lips ghosting his jaw.
“5” he alters, leaning down in an attempt to garner another kiss.
She obliges, not pulling away until she’s confident that his calm facade is almost genuine.
“Ready to head inside?” she checks, looking at the door, “It’s a straight shot up the stairs, or we can take the elevator.”
They don’t.
Bucky asks if she’d mind walking, and the way he’s still gripping her hand makes her answer real simple.
They go slow. Y/N is more than happy to let him peer out of the windows and let his free fingers graze the polished banisters.
She catches him starring at the view from the seventh floor with a strange amount of longing, and that’s when she decides to break the silence they’d been settled in.
“You can see the fields” she notes, over his shoulder, “and there—” she points, “That lake? is great for fishing”
“Steve likes it there?” he checks, “You told me he spent all weekend there last month”
“Yeah” she confirms, “He tried to put a tent together, but I asked FRIDAY and she told me that he couldn’t quite manage it”
Bucky scoffs at that, leaning into her side a little more obviously.
“How far does the forcefield go?”
“We have 3 layers” she answers, “Zone X, Y and Z— Z is the inner ring, X is the outer.”
He nods, face considerate.
“FRIDAY, can you light them up for a second, please?”
“Sure thing, boss”
“You can only really see the nearest one from here” Y/N tells him, “the other two go out too far— the furthest is a couple of miles over the gate line.”
The soft blue dome is beautiful. It’s shimmering like water as it disappears into the sky, and then, into the trees that are lining the horizon line that’s visible from the window.
“That’s incredible” he says, genuinely meaning it, “How… How does it work?”
“God” she chuckles, “I suppose me just sayin’ that it ‘just does’ isn’t goin’ to cut it, huh?”
He smiles, turning to face her properly.
“It’s energy based, sweetheart, self-fuelled by the arc reactor technology that keeps the rest of the building running”
“Energy based?” he parrots, clearly keening for more detail, “So it’s not physical?”
“It’s a meta-physical barrier” Y/N allows, “but if it deems any other energy signatures to be a problem the pro-tons knit together in whatever arrangement is needed to repel them”
“So” he starts, “It reads other types of energy and if it thinks it’s a threat then it can change itself to get rid of it?”
“Basically” she agrees, “It’s why birds don’t fry themselves by getting too close, why we could drive up and in, why Tony can take off and land and why Steve’s shield could make it out to hit a goon that wouldn’t stand a chance at touching it”
The look of awe on his face takes her off guard.
It dawns on her that maybe she’s so used to all of these impossible things that it’s easy for her to forget how unusual they are to everyone else.
“and that’s just one facet of the security systems” FRIDAY announces suddenly, “you are safe here, Sargent Barnes.”
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | x | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12
#bucky barnes fluff#bucky barnes x y/n#bucky x reader#bucky barnes imagine#bucky barns x reader#bucky barnes fanfiction#bucky barnes angst#bucky x you#bucky x female reader#bucky x y/n#bucky barnes x you#bucky fanfic#the winter soldier x you#fluff#x reader#drabble#series#BBneverlosthim
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G O D *Grits teeth* You ever think about how fucking unfair it is that Luz’s mental health an self worth has been on a decline since like. GROM??? Since she got traumatized, and how many incidents she’s been carrying under her belt discretely, yet very clearly, as they grow and culminate no matter how hard Luz tries to compensate and apologize for being her imperfect self? Remember when Luz once said “I don’t deserve this” to a bad thing that happened to her, only for Viney to admittedly take that the wrong way, and Luz has felt punished for that claim as a result?
Luz tries to help Willow, gets her and Gus hurt, and just offers herself as a sacrificial tribute to Boscha. No blinking. Tries to help Eda with the curse when Eda tells her not to, BAM! Eda loses magic and Luz goes through some horrible stuff, is told that the weirdoes don’t stick together actually, and fucking Belos.
Then Luz spends all of 2A basically apologizing and trying to mend things over while acting like they’re okay for the sake of those she cares about. Says Willow and Gus don’t deserve to be expelled, but not herself! TURNS HERSELF INTO A LITERAL PUNCHING BAG. Thinks Amity hates her, and then that she just scared Amity off in her preemptive self-loathing!
HER MOM. Luz tried so hard to get back to her mom just to leave her sobbing, with Luz feeling like she’s evil and trash. After thinking she got a happy reconciliation with Vee’s help! And it haunts Luz so badly she immediately projects onto KIKIMORA in order to feel like she can make a difference!
And then the feeling of her dad’s death, the guilt, the sense that she’s failed another parent again and how he isn’t coming back. AND FUCKING PHILIP BELOS WITTEBANE GASLIGHTING LUZ INTO THINKING IT’S HER FAULT. THAT SHE HELPED HIM!!!
And Luz is in such anguish but she’s still trying, she still thinks she can salvage this, she’s in desperate denial! But Eda rebukes her and Luz is just WHY WON’T YOU LET ME APOLOGIZE FOR EVERYTHING, and then for a moment it seems it might work out. It CAN work out!
And then King’s Tide.
AND SHE JUST GIVES UP IN S3!!! JUST FUCKING HATES HERSELF!!! The one moment of comfort she has with her mom and she interprets the lesson to mean ISOLATING HERSELF AS REPARATION!
Luz kept encountering wave after wave of bigger and more traumatic incidents that targeted her self worth and sense of guilt over daring to want anything for herself or even for others, made her out to be some villain for trying. And for every slight comfort that tried to bandage over, it’s not enough and is then immediately superceded by another incident! Dana said Season 2 was PAIN, she meant it! She really meant it! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-
Dana Terrace this is fucking criminal. I’m goddamn miserable over this Luz deserves better than this why couldn’t she still be HAPPY after S1?!!?!
TOH got me acting up like a hysterical Victorian woman forreal. Coughing and gagging as I sob!
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CARMY IN THE FRIDGE: CARMY'S POV
I just did a post which was basically about what Syd was going through on Friends and Family night at the restaurant.
I kinda let Carmy have it a little for Syd's sake, BUT listen to this.
Syd and Carmy aren't communicating ANY feelings other than it relates to the restaurant, to each other. Carmy may have tried to pry it out of Syd, but Syd was not budging.
Carmy, having NOT gotten any information from Syd stating she's into HIM, is keeping mum too.
WE know that he's probably into Syd and shows her in ways that may not be obvious to her.
WE know he wants to do whatever it takes to please her, whatever she wants or hints at, he want to give her. The restaurant, a new coat, a renovation, a chaos menu.
She told him he has to decide about a girl who is a friend or a girlfriend. Ok Syd wants that, so that's what he did (regardless of his feelings it's what Syd wanted).
Syd told him not to be shi__y, so he's not going to be. He'll be nice to his girlfriend. He'll make her dinner and seem excited and invite her to friends and family.
And GUESS WHAT.
When Richie comes and tells him Claire's out there, he tells Richie to leave him the fu-k alone.
Later on, when SYD said that's Claire, he went into 'not being shi__y' mode. Syd doesn't want him to be that way, no matter what she says after, he wants Syd to see that he's doing what he thinks would make her happy with him.
So he goes out there
And LO AND BEHOLD it is all too much.
He thinks he sees his horrible old boss. But instead of going over and saying 'F you, why are you in my restaurant, leave!' Carmy gets scared and upset, goes to where SYD is, but talks about food for the guy at the table. I bet it wasn't even that cold. Even if it was cold. That guy deserves cold food. Carmy didn't have to prove ANYTHING to that guy.
But he's trying to prove something.
He takes his frustration out on Syd again, says sorry and then goes to hide in the fridge
Let me just say this.
Carmy is going through a lot. Syd is a safe space, but he doesn't know how safe, so he's trying to shoulder a lot on his own and do things to make her happy. He doesn't realize yet he should be doing things WITH her.
WITH HER is what she wants.
So he's stuck in a fridge beating himself up, with SYD out there not getting her 'WITH CARMY' Being alone when he told her she wasn't alone.
He's in the fridge screaming 'what's going on out there?' 'what are you guys doing out there'
What's going on is SYD is out there alone.
Carmy hid and Syd is out there WITHOUT him.
There might be a big price for Carmy to pay, because something else is going on outside of the fridge. Everyone is rallying without Carmy.
Syd is getting it done. It's overwhelming but she does it and is happy with herself in the end. She didn't shut down or hide.
Carmy let his own fears get the better of him. His old boss turns out to be just some guy. (Who is that guy?)
All the negative self talk was just him talking himself out of a good thing
HE made the other shoe drop
On a side note, there's a new chef who was working opposite Carmy all night, diligently. Who was quick to pick up Carmy's slack when he was locked in the fridge
Who seemed to have Syd's back.
Connor.
But I'll talk about him later.
I said all that to say that Carmy disappointing Syd can't be taken in isolation. I think it happened because he was overwhelmed and as per usual trying to please her.
Neither of them knowing how the other really feels about them.
I hope the writer's strike ends soon
#love#sydney adamu#carmy berzatto#carmy x syd#the bear#slow burn#sydcarmy#romance#relationship#carmy x claire#fear#ashamed#stress#desire
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So. I gotta say some shit.
I think we all have a tendency to be more gracious to Ada's character than she rightfully deserves. I'm guilty of this, too. We all want to give her the benefit of the doubt and insist that her character serves a purpose and is worth talking about because she's A. such a huge part of Leon's character and B. the only non-white member of the cast, but like.
There's nothing there.
I noticed this when I rewatched Separate Ways recently (because fuck ever playing that shit again holy fuck Separate Ways sucks to play).
After RE2, Ada isn't a character anymore. She has absolutely no arc; her character never develops or goes anywhere. She's not tied to anyone or anything in the plot in a way that matters -- even her relationship with Wesker doesn't fucking matter, because there's no fallout or consequence as a result of anything she does to/with/for him, whether it's beneficial to him or against him. She has only one facet to her personality: snarky and mysterious. We never see her emote or speak in a context removed from either of those two qualifiers. Ever.
She has some softer moments here and there, but they last for like a single line of dialogue or two and then the scene just completely moves on without them -- so, those softer moments never actually matter anyway.
She doesn't enhance or enrich Leon's character in any way; the only thing her character serves to do is isolate him from the main cast, which gives his character nowhere else to go other than horrible, spiraling depression because every action he takes in his life turns out to be completely meaningless -- because it's not allowed to mean anything, because he's become so far divorced from the central plot of the series.
The only functional purpose that Ada Wong actually has is as a plot contrivance to explain how a bad guy did a thing. Other than that, she exists solely as a pair of legs and tits for Leon to chase after.
We all hold out hope that Remake is going to change this and turn her into a real person with autonomous motivations and goals, and there might be some merit to that, but like
She's not there yet. She's just not. There is no there there, when we talk about Ada's character.
And this tiptoeing around that we all do to try to make it seem like we're supportive of her character just
strikes me as silly a lot of the time, man.
I understand wanting to give credit where it's due, but it's not due for Ada's character. And I understand the desire to not be seen as misogynistically bashing her, but I feel like supporting her character as it currently exists is what's actually misogynistic. Because her portrayal in canon is misogynistic.
And I also understand the desire to not be seen as being a ship war fuckhead, but like. It's not about the ships, man. It's about Ada. Specifically Ada. She just sucks, dude.
And this is coming from the person who has probably written more meta about Ada Wong in an attempt to justify her character than basically anyone else in the fucking fandom.
idk I've just been thinking about this lately while perusing EagleOne fics. It feels like everyone in this ship feels obligated to address The Ada Problem before they can start to justify a relationship between Leon and Ashley, and it's like
No, you don't. Especially in Remake canon, you absolutely do not have to bring up Ada at all. Because Remake seems very self-aware of the fact that the problem with Leon's character has always been Ada, which is why they seem to be actively writing her out of his overall arc.
Like. Let's just call it for what it is. Ada is the worst part of Leon's character. The relationship is poorly written and poorly executed and doesn't make any fucking sense for who both characters are actually meant to be. They actively hold each other back -- not as people, but as characters who are meant to meaningfully contribute to the storyline.
And idk I'm just tired. I'm just tired of always having to do the hand-wringy "oh no no, Ada's really cool and great and I'm not trying to diss on her, and her relationship with Leon actually matters" shit, man.
Because she's not cool or great and her relationship with Leon doesn't actually matter -- and if it does matter at all, it's due to the negative impact that her presence brings -- not just to him, but to the entire fucking plot of the series.
She's the worst recurring element in the entire series, and there's not even a close second.
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Helluva Boss Theory “Stolas and Blitzo Relationship, How Will It Progress”
i did very smilar post like this awhile ago talking about stolas and blitzo relationship, on where it’s is right now, their history, and what they need to do in order to progress, but i wanted to theorize on how the relationship will progress in the seasons and episodes to come
Brief Rundown
their relationship at the current moment is not healthy for either party involve, blitzo has alot, and i mean ALOT of issues with intimacy and love, he’s afraid to be vulnerable and let himself love someone so he pushes people away and hurts them as a way to protect himself from getting hurt, he literally sabotaged his relationship with verosika, this is his coping mechanism to avoid getting hurt
stolas is different yet has the same issues, he wants intimacy, he wants love, and he wants to be loved, to be saved by his prince charming, but he doesn’t know how to get it, all of his relationships he’s been nothing but a pawn for people to use and play with expect for his daughter, even blitz in the past and now only uses him because he’s useful, stolas doesn’t know how to get love or how to reciprocate it properly without making it seem like it’s just about sex
not to mention their mental states at the current moment, blitz has a lot of trauma with him and he’s not coping with it in a healthy way, he’s destructive with all of his relationships and literally holds so much resentment and self-hatred for himself that he truly believes he only hurts the people he loves in his life and that their better off without him, just look at the pictures in his house, all his faces are crossed off, he doesn’t value himself at all, which is why it was esy in the beginning to have sex with stolas, because it didn’t mean anything, but then they started to catch feelings, and it started to freak blitzo out, because he’s afraid of loving people, he’s afraid to love stolas because he doesn’t want to get attached and hurt
stolas mental state isn’t really any better, for one, he’s been raised as a kid to be useful, or else he’s worthless, his dad only ever cared or shown him attention was when it involved him getting his royal duties done, essentially he was using him for whatever he was useful for, which defiantly put his self-esteem down at such a young age, and his toxic abusive relationship with stella put his mental state even worse, he was abused both mentally and physically, and couldn’t get out due it being an arranged marriage, and that can really fuck up someone’s mental state horribly
stolas was raised to never voice his thoughts or have an opinion, that his voice didn’t matter and that he was only good for whatever he was useful for, he was basically shamed to be himself, he was literally caged, and yes while he is privilege in life, being rich and from loyalty, he truly has nothing, he has nobody by his side expect for his daughter, he’s completely and utterly alone
it wasn’t until the cheating and after the ozzie’s incident is where stolas finally had the courage to stand up to stella and demand a divorce, and you can tell from stella’s face when he caught her hand that he had never, ever tried to stop her from doing that before, typically in abusive relationships, the victim never really fights back out of fear of escalating the situation any further, and this is very true in stolas case, before that moment, he never tried to fight back, he tried to keep things level headed and calm
another reason why abuse victims don’t leave is because they feel trapped, isolated and think that the abuse is normal, and this all true, the marriage was arranged against his will, of course he had no way to get out at the time, he was also isolated due to having no support system and was trapped even more because of octavia, i have no doubt in my mind that stella would’ve used octavia against him had he try to get a divorce sooner, and considering how shitty his childhood was, he probably thought the abuse was normal and that this was what he was supposed to do, stay complacent and take the abuse, never speak out and stay in line
when he had met blitz at the “not divorced party”, it was his fantasy coming true, that his knight in shinning armour was here to save him, when in reality that wasn’t the case, but he let himself believe that it was so he could have something to get him through the day, that was until ozzie’s happened, and everything hit him at once, that his fantasy coming true and blitzo loving him was all just a lie for him to engulf in, that he used him to get in to spy on his friends and for his book
what will happen now?
their are so many directions on where their relationship can go, but i personally believe it will be a very long time before we see their relationship turn into a healthy lovey dovy one, i remember seeing a comment about vivzie and saying how it’s going be a low burn, and i personally think the same as well, if they move too fast in this relationship with how they are right now, it will end badly, they both need to heal and learn about commitment and proper and affective communication if they want to have this relationship
i actually saw someone on twitter pointing out that when in the teaser trailer for season two, when blitzo sends out moxxie on a mission, he seems more agitated then usual and seems to be holding something in his hand, with is a small box, and i personally think this is the asmodeus crystals that have been shown in blitzo’s book
asmodeus crystals can turn demons into human forms and take them into earth, i think not long after the L.A episode, stolas will send him the crystals through mail, in his mind he’s setting blitz free from the deal, wanting to make him happy and not force him to remain in their position, but we know blitz likes him and doesn’t want to let him go, so he’s angry at the crystal because in his mind, he’s stolas rejecting him and proving him right about only being his favourite little imp thing to play with, so he’s hurt
i also think that their will be a moment were they’ll get into a huge, HUGE fight over it, with blitzo accusing him of only using him and stolas losing his patience and telling him that he should be happy cause now he’s not trapped with him anymore, and it this will be their falling out, their “break up”, i do think they will have a breakup in their relationship, cause their’s no way in hell they can progress if they don’t go through something like this
they’ll probably meet up under forced circumstances, talk things over and then finally slowly begin to work on things and on their relationship, i mentioned before that their love confession won’t be a typical i love you, their love confession is not gonna be a magical thing, it’s gonna be a real, gut-wrenching like “HOLY SHIT THIS IS TOO REAL”
let me know what you guys think?
#blitzo#stolas#stolitz theory#stolitz#stolitz relationship#helluva boss#helluvaboss#helluva boss stolas#helluva boss blitzo#helluva boss blitz#helluva boss theory#theory#stolas x blitzo#stolas x blitz#asmodeus crystals
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oh my god, i am. actually so pleased and relieved about the way good omens season two handles an adult wlw relationship. just... idk, there's something nice that, even though the whole point of aziraphale and crowley's meddling was a weird, magical, happily ever after for nina and maggie--it wasn't meant to be. not yet.
lesbian rambling under the cut . no editing we typo like. lesbians
i feel like it would have felt really hollow and cheap if aziraphale's and crowley's interference paid off and went off without a hitch. it'd feel like... i don't know, the process, the journey, would have been dismissed, and it'd end with nina in particular not understanding why maggie feels the way towards her as she does and maggie missing out on a lot of important milestones while seeing someone. she's known nina for a week. if the Plan worked, the End Result is all that matters, right? which would contradict the show's core message about how wonderful the time and grace to know someone is, (especially as long as crowley and aziraphale have known each other, cough) and how it's necessary to really understand what 'us' means without forsaking 'you.'
that plan was fated (i know, loaded word) to fail. they weren't in love with each other. maggie is in love with nina, sure! but again, she's known her for a week, and nina isn't ready for a relationship and had broken up with a seriously horrible partner not 12 hours before the time the last episode takes place. there is no 'love' to see! aziraphale didn't Make Up love ("miracles don't work like that") and i don't think he would have particularly wanted to even if he could. no wonder they were so baffled and bemused at the strange 'feel happy and lovely and wholesome to your fellows' air he soaked the place in at his ball.
the scene of maggie fetching the milk and other supplies nina needs and being with her at the counter shows that nina can trust her with helping out with the coffee shop (which, yknow, also parallels neatly with aziraphale trusting crowley with his shop), which is obviously something deeply important to her. again and again, she worries about opening, about getting the night-workers their coffee, and refusing to let it go even due to a partner that constantly degraded her and blamed her for their failing relationship. that's a huge opening-up. nina says it herself, she's closed off, but nonetheless, that's a branch she's extending out for maggie! she's willing to do that much, and maggie handles it wonderfully. they both know a relationship would just be too much. nina is still willing to try, despite her hurt, because she can trust maggie to put in the work.
these last thoughts ramble even more than the rest, but i'm glad the last ep left the off where it did. no time skip to go, 'oh they talked and they waited, and it all worked out!' or something, but it ends like... realistically. relationships don't just, happen, without a good deal of talking. look how that worked out for az and crow. acknowledging the need for space (and a good chiding to meddling forces of heaven and hell) but not pushing each other away completely and isolating themselves one another, i think, is a sign that they can do well together. even though maggie knows she is completely head over heels for this women, she doesn't even make a move towards her while they're sitting down with crowley in episode 6. and then they end in their own shops with the space they requested. its respect and trust, and that's the foundation you really need to build before a relationship can start anyway!!
#good omens 2 spoilers#good omens spoilers#go spoilers#good omens 2#good omens#maggie#nina#i wonder what their ship name is#ill tag it properly later#also . as a lesbian#really glad they didnt do the 'how funny that the wlw rush into a relationship after rebounding from a pretty horrible one!!'#like they said! we're people too!#and we deserve space and time when we request it
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Talking about TSATS again because it’s cheaper than therapy
“He had spent so many years resisting companionship friendship and love… No matter how hard people tried to show Nico that they cared he had chosen lonelinesss and isolation instead.”
I find Nico’s thoughts resonating with me a lot because I’ve been in a lot of really dark places in my life. The thing with struggling with mental health is that a lot of the time you don’t really want to get help. There’s something comforting about keeping things the way they are even if the way things are is horrible. You become complacent to quote Nicos experiences
“He’d always been known as the demigod who wouldn’t eat. Why had he let himself get to the point of starvation over and over again? Because he was used to it.”
It’s also so easy to stick yourself in a box like Nico did. To go “well this is just the way things are” and just stay that way.
Change is terrifying and when you’ve convinced yourself that you’re comfortable in your misery makes it so much harder to take the first step towards getting better. Besides it’s hard to open up to people. Even if they’ve shown time and time again they care for you it still feels like making yourself vulnerable will lead to an attack or them deciding you’re no longer worth the effort
Then another thing is even as you start to get better the comfort of being depressed doesn’t really go away. I and other people I’ve heard about have had moments where we’ve missed being more depressed. Which from an outside perspective is so weird, but I think what makes us miss it is the constant it used to be and that now there’s so much more effort that goes into things. It’s a lot easier to just live rather than being alive. But simply drifting isn’t nearly as rewarding as pushing yourself and getting those experiences and relationships that make you feel completely alive. These things don’t completely eradicate the darkness but overtime it lessens it and makes it easier to deal with.
“I can’t ever escape what’s happened to me. But I can learn to live with it.” - Nico Di Angelo
The thing is people often act like you need to get rid of your depression, anxiety or whatever to live a happy fulfilling life. But you don’t necessarily have to, if you can that’s great but it’s important also to learn to live with it. Learn what strategies help you get out of the pit quicker, and learn to rely on other people. If you slip sometimes that’s ok too. Growth isn’t linear. It’s a path we all take in some shape or form, but it’s going to look different for everyone, and that’s ok.
#tsats analysis#tsats#nico di angelo#tsats review#tsats spoilers#tsats minor spoilers#mentalheathawareness#mental health#just my personal thoughts#the sun and the star#rick riordan#riordanverse
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GGs ranked by how quickly they would resort to murdering their friends if they were stuck in a timeloop (Real edition)
my sincerest fucking apologies to pseud for what ive done to their blog.
THAT SAID: on account of this being very long and very grim to the point that most of it is too grimdark to even be funny anymore i am putting it under a readmore. This is a half-joke half-serious post about the ggs getting stuck in a time loop and murdering each other so like. you get what you click on.
also these are all specifically based aroudn our interps/jet set radio paradox obviously so bear that in mind lol
RULES TO MINIMIZE VARIABLES:
only one of them knows they're in a time loop, each is a separate scenario where the listed character is the one who knows and remembers.
they do not know why the loop is happening and they do not know how to stop it.
the span of time the loop happens is relatively normal, though dangerous enough events happen (maybe just normal jsr stuff) that people may accidentally die during it depending on the exempt character's actions.
everyone who dies during a loop is alive again when the date rolls back over. everything is back to square one. no consequences.
14. Pots
pots is a dog, even if a highly intelligent one. assuming he can even grasp the idea of a time loop (unlikely) i believe it is even further unlikely that he would recognize it as a bad thing. very possible he just stays in the time loop contentedly forever
13. Soda
it takes like a week (or until the first "someone dies and comes back") for him to even notice he's in a timeloop (general apathy/depression?). but when he does notice he's pretty together about it. obviously he wants out but he's literally got all the time in the world, he doesn't need to do stupid traumatic shit just to see what happens. he's got this.
12. Jazz
WHY WOULD MURDER EVEN BE PART OF THIS EQUATION WHAT THE FUCK? shes not gonna kill anybody and would think its super fucked to even raise the idea. how is that supposed to help. That said. she does keep repeatedly explaining she's in a time loop almost every loop and it is getting to the point that she kiiiiinda wants to strangle someone or two as stress relief because by god is she stressed. she Won't, she's got more sense than that, but. But…
11. Boogie
i think she never really goes full murdermode or anything and the very idea of that happening would shock and disturb her, but surprisingly early on she gives into the impulse to push one of the other ggs into traffic (it doesn't matter anyway, right?) and watches them get ran over. and she's like O_O oh jesus fuck that was horrible. and she never kills anyone again during the loops but it HAUNTS her and makes her nervous abt the idea that she COULD do it again.
10. Gum
she's mostly level headed, i think, so she wouldn't be quick to resort to madness. but give her enough time and she starts feeling desperate and does some scary shit in the hopes that maybe somehow they'll at least remember next time. like more than anything i think it's the isolation of it that gets to her. maybe she doesn't progress to outright intentional murder, maybe she only tries it once or twice to see if it fixes anything (it doesn't). while she doesn't go full-blown axe-crazy she DOES become incredibly dangerous and desperate to just not be the only one who remembers.
9. Garam
while his nerves end up aaaabsolutely shot and he loses all his patience to see the same day happening over and over, i think it would honestly take a while for him to become a danger to the ggs. he'd rather take out his stress on Literally Anything Else. that said he'd reach a point where he accidentally kills someone for real (whether a gg or an unrelated party) and it fucks him up reallll bad, but whether it fucks him up in a "fine whatever i can kill people who cares" way or a "I NEED TO BE CAREFUL THIS NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN HOLY FUCK" way depends on the circumstances.
8. Beat
honestly? unless something in particular causes him to suspect one of the ggs is responsible for the loop, it takes a while for it to even occur to him that killing his friends is an option. like maybe he might end up killing the GGs' enemies and maybe even rivals, but if you brought up the idea of killing his FRIENDS to him he'd be like "wait huh??? but why even????" that said, though, keep him in there long enough and he might develop a severe god complex and start doing it purely to power trip.
7. Combo
putting him in a time loop i think would really be the last straw in his miserable life. maybe he deserves the right to kill someone at this point really. while he focuses intently on trying to find a way to break the loop, as it all begins to grate on him he really just stops giving a shit about much of anything. the murder isn't a constant thing, more like one or two good ol' kill em all style breakdowns, and obviously it only makes him feel sick to his stomach when the date rolls over, but what can he even do about it?
6. Clutch
he tries to play it cool at first and not think about it too hard but it isnt long before a sort of prey animal panic is invoked in him and hes like. I gotta get outta here. I gotta get out of here. Oh my god i gotta get the hell out of here. and it doesn't help that hes really not close with these guys yknow. and any concern from the ggs he reacts to with escalating violence until he reaches the point he's killing them multiple times in hopes that gives him a way out. eventually he just gives up
5. Corn
at first the thought of killing his friends doesnt even cross his mind but he becomes increasingly desperate to understand what's happening and soon enough it's a last resort. it's all very methodical testing the limits of the loop and himself, not explaining anything to anyone else because they'll forget anyway and becoming increasingly hostile and isolationist. he doesn't want to but He's out of options. He has to FIGURE IT OUT.
4. Roboy
what bothers him more than anything else is the feeling of helplessness over the whole thing and even if the others COULD help him he's not going to try to get their help. he kills the other ggs to feel less powerless, like he has any sort of control over the situation, and all it does is make him feel worse and worse and worse. maybe eventually reaches a point where he starts deleting his memories of the resets in the hopes this breaks the vicious feedback loop but all it does is ensure the cycle never ends.
3. Yoyo
If you put yoyo in a situation where nothing he does matters and none of his actions have consequences he will do increasingly crazy dumb shit because it's not like it matters anyway. and he will undergo EXTREMELY RAPID psychological decay that DOES end in him killing members of the ggs just to see what effect it has both on the loop and on others' psyches. and he will just assume that the loop is forever and ever with no way to ever break it.
2. Cube
cube upon realizing she and she alone is in a timeloop will rapidly come to the conclusion that she is in actual literal hell. everything wrong with her will come to the surface at once. she will suffer a severe psychological break SO fast and the streets will run red. maybe she's enjoying it. maybe she isn't. but she is convinced this HAS to happen. and that she deserves it.
1. Mew
As soon as Mew finds out that deaths don't stick she's going to massacre all of the GGs just to see how it feels. just once. to try it. it's fine. it doesn't matter. Where did she get that higurashi cleaver
bonus: with the way i joke about zero beat maybe he doesnt even notice hes in a time loop until After hes maimed someone to death. i dont know man. im lying. who fucking give a shit
#mod noname#do i fucking maintag this.#jet set radio#jet set radio future#Fine. i maintagged it. go to hell @me#blood#horror#ask to tag#i spent an unfortunate amount of time thinking this through despite the fact it was supposed to be a joke post#whys most of my content so evil. whats that about#in my defense one of my friends has a horror project which prominently features a time loop#hence why they're on the mind.#vreepypasta
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