Haikyuu!! Pride Headcanons (Other Teams)

This list of headcanons is for the characters that aren't from Karasuno. If you'd like to see my headcanons for Karasuno, that list is linked here!!

To round off Haikyuu!!, this list will cover the other major players in the anime and manga. I'll try to cover all the obvious ones (Atsumu, Oikawa, etc.) but it's totally possible I'll miss your fav. I can only cover so many before I lose my mind, so please keep that in mind and if you want to hear my take on a character I didn't cover, my ask is always open!!

Disclaimer: This list is for fun. I know I’m coming from this at a western view of queer readings and that’s not always the correct way to view a work, nor the only way to look at a work. I’m just doing this for my enjoyment. Art is Subjective. Don’t take me too seriously.

Alrighty, folks! Let's go!

Kozume Kenma (he/they): Gay, Non-Binary

I like the non-binary headcanon for Kenma. I think to a certain extent they always knew they weren't a boy, but didn't have the language to address it until high school. Nobody else really cared and Kuroo was always affirming.

Kuroo Tetsurou (he/him): Bisexual, Ace-spec

Discovered a lot of good fics with Ace-spec Kuroo and I think it fits his character!! I think he's fine with sex, he's just not one to seek it out unless it's a specific person and still not too often.

Bokuto Koutarou (he/him): Pansexual

Who cares about gender?? If a person is good, then he likes 'em!!! He just wants praise and affection and love!!

Akaashi Keiji (he/him): Bisexual, Demisexual, Genderqueer

What is gender anyway?? Is he a boy? Sure, he guesses. He could be anything else, too. It's not really that important to him. You could call him a girl and that'd be just fine too. He doesn't particularly care about other people's gender when looking for a partner either. He just needs to build a firm platonic relationship before sparks can fly.

Oikawa Tooru (he/him): Bisexual

This feels obvious. I feel like this man knew he liked men and women from Day 1. Although he didn't realize he had a crush on his best friend until after his longtime gf broke up with him. That was the real crisis.

Iwaizumi Hajime (he/him): Gay

Yeah, he's gay. What's it to you? Gotta problem with it? Go ahead. Try and be homophobic. He'll kick in your teeth. And that's only if you survive the rest of Aoba Josai's wrath.

Ushijima Wakatoshi (he/him): Asexual, Gay

Men? yes.

Sex? no.

Hotel? Trivago.

Sakusa Kiyoomi (he/him): Gay, Demisexual

Good ol' Omi-Omi! People say he plays hard to get, but it's probably just because he actually doesn't like you. Stop bothering the poor man.

Miya Atsumu (he/him): Bisexual

This feels obvious to me. Mostly men-attracted. Would like to date one(1) Sakusa Kiyoomi and/or one(1) Hinata Shouyo.

Miya Osamu (he/him): Queer

He's not straight. He hasn't thought much beyond that and doesn't really feel the need to. Queer is just what he tells people when asked.

Suna Rintarou (he/him): Gay

He likes men. It's not really something that comes up unless his boyfriend is with him. It's not a secret, nor has he ever intended it to be. If you think he's straight, that's a you problem.

Kita Shinsuke (he/him): Pansexual

Gender isn't a barrier to attraction to him. He likes all kinds of people.

Ojiro Aran (he/him): Bisexual

I couldn't not include Aran on my list! I love him!

He likes multiple genders. I don't think he knew right away. In fact, he probably went through a bit of a crisis trying to figure out if he was gay or if he was straight and just pretending? I think he suffers from the bi-cycle and it's only with the help of his affirming team that he can rise above his own internalized bi-phobia. (might be projecting a little, hmmmmmmmm)

That concludes Haikyuu!! headcanons!! I'm glad I got this out in a timely manner!

I feel like I put in a lot of work for something only a handful of people will see, but I physically cannot make a post without putting a bit of my soul into it, I guess.

Oh well!

Next up: A Cursed Series!!!

Re the John aromantic ask—that reminds me of a pizza and fairytales episode where they talked about whether John’s attraction towards men was more romantic before it became sexual whereas his attraction towards women was romantic/sexual (in the context of John telling Yoko “if I’d met a guy that was attractive enough I could’ve had a gay relationship’ and similar sentiments.) I thought that kind of hit the mark for me given John’s sort of “i COULD if XYZ” sentiments... I def agree he was a romantic person and I wonder if his sexual attraction relied on a strong emotional connection, at least towards one gender. Just speculation though—it fits my impression that John had more criteria/“hesitation” for lack of better words when it came to relationships with men although he knew he wanted relationships with men, although that might be explained by other factors. I’m also not asexual/aro, though I had a gf who was demisexual and used to identify as that myself.

Re: John and aromanticism

“I wonder if his sexual attraction relied on a strong emotional connection” - I think that this is really possible anon! I mean, he talked about being dissatisfied in his relationships with women (see here (x)) and he talked about only being able to be able to date a man if he found him attractive beyond a physical level. Its evident that he still had sex with people who he had little to no emotional connection with, so it obviously wasn’t an exclusive rule or anything - but as evidenced by the Yoko quote, perhaps he just couldn't find a man who he felt that kind of connection to, who would reciprocate his sexual attraction.

And I definitely get that impression too anon, about John having more hesitation or a higher standard or something when it came to relationships with men. I feel like maybe it was just a bigger deal with men, rather then with women, if that makes sense? Id assume thats largely to do with just heterosexuality being far more hegemonic and understood, especially during that era - but I imagine as well that it would also just be related to his own romantic/sexual preferences.

I suspect that this is partially why things didn’t work out between him and Brian. How their relationship appears to me, is as though: John saw this opportunity to experiment with his sexuality for the first time, and he took it, despite perhaps not being genuinely attracted to Brian. Im not saying he didn't care about Brian, but im not sure he was really sexually attracted to him tbh* - and in some ways I feel like they might've been too similar to be sexually compatible. But maybe just being young and naive John thought "oh yeah it doesn't matter if im actually into him, its only sex" - and then when the moment came, he sort of realised it actually does matter.

(*My opinions on John and Brian are very much subject to change, but at the moment this essentially what I feel like their relationship was like)

a twenty-first century male (vessel)

adventures in modern sex and dating with a millenia-old celestial being, the man who may or may not have a thing for him, and the brother who just wants 1 (one) moment of peace 

ft a panicked dean, an exhausted/delighted sam, and a demisexual castiel just trying his best

my first ever time writing these characters and it's a little cracky but at least I had fun? I'm sure 100 people have done this idea before and I don't care 💞 

8k words, rated m for innuendo

 read in full on ao3

Cas has been gone for a while and fuck if Dean hasn't missed him.

He’s sitting now between Dean and Sam at a table a little too far from the bar in the only joint in town that was open at this time on a weekday.

Dean likes when Cas joins them on hunts. His skills are useful, that's a given, but his company too. It adds a different dynamic to their conversations, having a third there. It's nice to have someone else to talk to full stop - him being Dean's best friend is an added bonus.

They arrived in town early this morning, fresh on the trail of three unexplained deaths in the woods in the last two months. Everyone they came across seemed to have a different story about what it was (“It was a tall shadowy man” “no it was two” “one was definitely a woman”), and so they’d planned to go into the woods overnight to have a look for themselves.

Night hunting meant time to kill, and bars were always good for that. Sam and Dean are one beer down, but Cas in true Cas-style had taken a long enthusiastic swig of his when given it and has entirely forgotten about its existence since then.

They’d been engaged in a hushed conversation about EMF readings and potential demons for the last couple of minutes, and when a bartender approaches them with a drink they’re quick to shut up. Dean thumps his foot against Cas’ under the table.

“This is for you.” The bartender puts the beer down next to Cas’ ¾ full one. "From the guy over there." The bartender points to a table of three men and two women. One of the guys, a dark-haired bespectacled man with stubble, raises a hand at Cas and looks back at his table who are laughing. Cas frowns.

"I don't want another drink."

"He- he's kidding." Dean stops Cas before he can hand back the beer. "Thanks."

The bartender nods disinterestedly and leaves. Cas looks at the mystery beer with a frown, and then up at Dean.

"You told me not to trust drinks from strangers in bars."

Sam looks accusingly at Dean, who coughs. He did say that, he remembers. Around the time of their first case together, when they'd been to a bar and a guy had put a drink in front of Cas that looked a little cloudy. Was he hard-wired to be paranoid? Maybe. Had a tiny selfish part of him been saying it for other reasons, too? He didn't like to dwell on it. 

"Yeah, that's right. I saw him pour this one, though, so you're good."

Cas holds up the beer and nods in the direction of the man.

“Someone has an admirer.” Sam says, more to himself, before engaging back in their previous conversation. One-sided that it is - Cas is looking at the man across the room, and Dean is watching him. He can see even from the view of the back of his head that its tilted a little in confusion. Sam tries to catch his eye and Dean avoids it. 

Before Dean has time to react properly the man is coming over to their table and fuck Dean wishes the ground would swallow him up. Quickly, preferably.

“Hey.” The man’s voice is slow and a little awkward and he accentuates the word with a look back at his friends at their table. “I’m sorry, my friends were bugging me to come over.”

"Thank you for the drink."

"No problem. You looked like you needed a refill, I couldn't let you get one from anyone else."

"Are refills your personal responsibility?" He knows Cas isn't trying to flirt. He can hear the uncertainty in his voice, almost as if checking if the man has an actual job as a territorial drinks re-filler. Still, the words make him queasy as the man smiles. 

"Only when the drinkers are as cute as you."

Dean looks away from the man to Cas when he says this, and Cas looks more bashful than Dean can remember him. He doesn’t seem sure what to say, and so the man continues.

"So are you new in town?"

"Yes, we're just passing through."

"I see. Sticking around for long?"

"Probably just the one night."

"Must be a tight squeeze, all of you in one bed." There's a questioning quirk in the man's eyebrow and Dean feels a little sick. 

"Sam and Dean are brothers, they don't share a bed."

"Right. And who's bed are you sleeping in?"

"I don't have a bed."

"Huh." The guy looks at Cas for a long moment, as though trying to see if he was being serious. Then, a smile cracks and his eyes darken. "How about this. You need a bed, you give me a call. I'm James."

"Thank you, James. I'll keep that in mind."

The man, James, bends down and writes his number on a napkin that he pushes towards Cas with his fingers. Cas nods and offers a small smile and James looks at Sam and then at Dean, and Dean isn’t sure what’s evident on his own face because suddenly James is out of there as quick as he can manage.

There’s a few seconds of silence after he leaves. Sam clears his throat.

“Cas..”

“What?” Cas frowns. “That was a kind offer, if a little odd. Do you think it was suspicious? He’s human, but..”

"Cas.."

"What?"

"You know that was a come-on, right?"

"Oh. Really?" Cas looks back over at the table where James is now blushing, any confidence immediately dissipated now he's back around his guffawing friends. "It's difficult to tell sometimes."

"Why'd you think he got you a drink?"

"Because.." Cas stops, and Sam laughs.

"Because you're cute?"

(continue reading on ao3)

{ Some SFW Tamaki Headcanons For Your Daily Dose Of Somft™}

OKAY hi hello, I know I've been gone for a while but I'm kinda back now since ive had a burst of inspiration lately for no reason in particular. This is partially cause I actually just finished watching BNHA and good lord, let me tell you bro- I have WAY too many thoughts about this dude for it to be a normal infatuation so here we go! -w-;

- FIRST of all, I'm like 90% sure this dude listens to like really soft cute music like Lofi remixes or those rlly cute anime openings that give off Soft Boy vibes???

- he's like a soft person in general already so its kindof a given. he really likes pastel colors a whole lot for that reason cause they're more muted and subtle and aren't completely overbearing

- he actually owns like, 40 oversized pastel sweaters with various prints and designs on them for that reason. that and oversized soft sweaters are year-round

- most of his clothes are kinda oversized though?? like if you've watched the anime and can see how his shirt fits him I'm like 90% sure it's like a size bigger than it should be (his natural size is a medium in men's, I'm assuming, since he's like canonically 5'9" and not really muscular). his hero costume is also a little bigger than it should be in some areas and it fits around him like a big blanket

- there are MULTIPLE reasons for this imo, but the main two are that he's A) self conscious and therefore less confident in things that fit him better, and B) likes feeling like things aren't constricting him like tight shirts do

- on the self-conscious point, he already has issues with about like 500 other things that concern himself, so why not physical???

- let me explain- his form is naturally slim, which means that he hasn't really ever been as physically muscular as the other heroes (mostly cause his quirk burns up most of his calories and he has a naturally fast metabolism), and is consistently reminded of it

- he doesn't want other people to think of him as less or weaker in the general public because he doesn't look as physically strong as the other heroes, so he wears clothes that aren't very form fitting to hide this fact and therefore avoid the possibility of criticism of is physical features

- also, you're on tumblr, the land of people who are or have been physically self conscious for whatever reason, so it's pretty safe to assume that you've worn/wear oversized clothing. do you know how comfy they are??? it's like being wrapped in a formless blanket that makes it feel as if you arent able to be subject to criticism from others. it's literally the BEST

- his closet really just consists of things that are bigger than him really, but he does have some skinny jeans and a few formal outfits that fit him properly. his figure is actually kind of cute in a way since he's more on the slim/muscular side but if you EVER tell him he looks handsome in something that's more fitting than he ususally wears he will have a slightly boosted self confidence but amplified anxiety, no exceptions

- but he doesnt really like receiving compliments to be honest, and there's a few reasons for that

- as a kid not many people talked to him so he would occasionally be subject to being outcast by others. as a child he knew that when the teachers were being too nice to him by complimenting his work or talking too him too much that it was out of pity. he felt like he was being patronized out of personal obligation to be inclusive and not in personal interest, so he still has some remnants of that mentality due to having grow up with that

- being given a serious and genuine compliment isn't something he's used to and quite frankly he might be a little uncomfortable if he doesn't know you very well

- if, however, he knows you well and trusts that your comments aren't out of spite or ill-intent, his face usually turns a bright shade of red as he either A) stutters out a nervous thank you or B) hides his face in his hands and refuses to say anything until it's subsided

- he'll usually try to compliment you back, even though its hard to hear over his incredibly soft voice. it's usually something about how nice you are or how he doesn't understand how someone like you can think that way about him, but he secretly really likes feeling like someone cares and appreciates him

- speaking of soft voices, I'm almost entirely convinced that he can sing. since he doesn't really go out with friends in his spare time since he basically only has two close ones, he usually either trains or, alternatively, sings

- its more of a subconscious thing to him to sing along when his favorite song is on, but he only does it when he's alone. the thing is that he thinks his voice is horrible since he hasn't had any extensive formal education in music and generally doesn't try that much to refine his skills manually but his singing voice is like, literally angelic

- seriously, if you get this man to sing 'Heather' by Conan Grey its like listening to some sort of ethereal being trying to lull you to sleep

- its not like he'd ever do this in public because of his anxiety and insecurities, but asking him nicely and swearing you won't tell anyone about it usually gets him to do it, albeit kinds shyly at first. it takes some working up to really, from him nervously singing gently to a song while his back is turned to you to just starting to hum along to songs by habit while you're around

- the only time he really does it to his own violation can be when you're sick (he cant say no to someone who's injured, it makes him feel terrible), when you're about to fall asleep, or even when he forgets that he's around other people and is doing some sort of chore or task around the house

- mentioning it to others makes him even more embarrassed than physically possible, and he usually covers his ears to mask the sounds of your praise about him. he hates drawing attention to himself and simply cannot Deal™ with the compliments he's receiving

- this is amplified if you're in a romantic relationship with him since, lets be completely honest here, he's literally never been in a relationship before

- I mean like, if that one girl who was with him for a week in 5th grade counts for anything, then I guess he's been in one before but other than that he has no experience

- how does he accept compliments? how do you genuinely love him?? should he dress better when around you???? oh god, do you secretly hate a bunch of things about him and only like him because he's a good hero????

- there's literal pages in his search history dedicated to is panicked questioning about what he should do if you haven't told him you love him in more than a week, what he should do if he accidentally calls you the wrong name while making out/having sex, when it's acceptable to talk about getting a plant together without seeming like he wants to get married in that instant, etc.

- for this it doesn't matter whether or not you're experienced since its good both ways! someone who isn't experienced could help ease his nerves a bit since hey, you might not really know what you're doing ether, so you're both gonna mess up. if you're a little more experienced then you can help show him the ropes and probably might help him improve in future relationships if you ever decide you don't want him anymore. both win-win situations basically

-  it also doesn't really matter if you're male, female, or anything else since he's demisexual panromantic. your personality is basically the most important aspect to him, even though he still thinks you have the face of a god/goddess

- the first few weeks of the relationship are basically him figuring out when its okay to touch you and/or ask for you to touch him since he doesn't want to scare you off with how affectionate he can be

- and when I say affectionate, I mean like a full out cuddle-bug

- Tamaki is straight up touch starved so like jot that down. like high key he really didn't have much physical affection as a child and even now can’t really figure out how to do it since he doesn't have any experience with it. he still craves physical affection though, and consistently

- a good way to tell that he wants affection is that he sticks a little bit closer to you during the day. not exactly under your feet, but still in your space when he knows its appropriate. usually just giving him a long hug or hdoling his hand in private helps to alleviate it a little bit, but his favorite way to get affection is to sit down and either sit in your lap or have you sit in his lap

- the reason I say private though is because PDA makes him nervous. it already kinda draws attention to the two of you since the act of PDA is basically outing a relationship on display and that alone makes him nervous, so he usually avoids it unless its in a barely populated park, a quiet cafe, etc.

- so in public he's probably gonna stick close but not outwardly hold your hand by himself, but behind closed doors he's basically hanging on you wherever and however he can

- can you really blame him for liking you as much as you do? I mean you're patient with him, you genuinely like him, and you're so sweet that he doesn't even know what to do with himself. that, and you're super fascinating to observe

- not,,,- he doesn't mean that in a creepy way I swear. he means it like- he means that he likes watching you work because the way you move around catches his interest. part of his training is observing others and he already does it a lot due to being more of that type of person by default, so he can tell a lot about you just by watching you do simple tasks such as cleaning the floor or doing some work you need to get done

- his observance makes him a great partner when it comes to remembering small things about you like your favorite color, how you do your hair in the mornings, what your favorite band(s) is/are, and more! expect him to bring you small gifts that reminded him of you because of something you said four months ago at a very specific time and a very specific date and a very specific location

- this applies to anyone that he really knows or pays special attention to really, but you're one of those people that he subconsciously has encyclopedic knowledge of because he thinks about you so much all the time

- anyway, we're getting to the end so lets get to my favorite part of the list- miscellaneous headcanons! :

he really likes Conan Grey and Lofi remixes of songs that he likes since they're more on the calming side and less intense and help his nerves go down if he's feeling anxious

when he does get severely anxious he curls into a ball and pulls at his ears and cries. he's unresponsive for this time but usually just letting him calm down after a little bit on his own or telling him softly to listen to you helps

he likes insectariums a while lot, specifically the butterfly rooms where you can walk through and let them fly around you. for some reason they tend to be more prone to lighting on him than anyone else, even though he only really wears dark colors and doesn't make an effort to get them around him

he has some purple fairy lights set up above his bed in his room that look like glowing butterflies cause he thought they were cute

he's incredibly good at cooking complex and simple dishes since he usually has to eat large amounts of certain things for his ability, and almost always cooks for the two of you if you're staying long enough to eat with him. he's arguably one of the best home-taught chefs at UA besides Bakugo even though they specialize i different areas of cooking basically

- well, it looks like thats the end for this list! Tamaki is such a sweet dude, really. being his friend or lover is like having a cheerleader, an endlessly loyal supporter, and an eternally loving partner (and more) all rolled into one. once you've been nice to him like once he's automatically favoring you over others. it may be hard to try to help him get more comfortable with the things he's anxious with, but he's a fast learner and if it makes you happy it makes him happy too

- Be careful with him, and you've got a friend for life!

[ ~Thank You For Reading, and if you think I missed anything please let me know in the notes or in my inbox. Any feedback is heavily appreciated!~ ]

Just When It Gets Better, It Gets Worse (not finished)

tw: non-con, abuse, self-harm, sensory overload/panic attack, suicide attempt (these were planned tw's so not all of them are in this draft, but just to be safe)

A summer day spent at the mall with her visiting family should've been fun. It probably would've, excluding her past and her parents' denial that anything of any sort happened.

This isn't the case if you couldn't tell.

Kat's family was walking through the mall center when a group of people catches her eye. It's not like this group came together, they're all gathered up and definitely staring at something. Normally Kat would just walk on pass, but the sound of distress convinces them to sneak into the crowd.

After scooting to a place where she can observe, they see the subject of curiosity is a girl, about her age, and who's clearly in a sort of panic attack. Her hands are clamped and pulling at her hair, her body rocking back and forth.

The girl in pink watches as someone tries to approach her before someone else yelling back.

"Don't get close! She's probably one of those weirdos with autism." Kat pushes down their anger at the offhand comment. This girl doesn't deserve that, she's already in distress. Kat looks around for anyone the girl could've come with, as it is very unlikely that she'd have come alone

She sees two men, mid to late fourties, frantically looking around for something, which puts them as the most likely possibility. They consider going up to them to inform them of the situation, but she figures they already know, explaining the distressed look on the their faces (and assuming that they are who this girl arrived with).

Kat digs inside of her bag, looking for something that might help ground the panicking girl. Nothing that'd be remotely helpful, and she never brings their stress ball or fidget cube with their parents around. Something about disbelief in non-physical diseases, but she'd rather not risk it.

What they do take out though, is one of those toy rings with googly eyes. To be frank, Kat isn't sure why she has the old toy in her bag, but perhaps it will help the girl calm down? It's not like they have anything else to use.

Slowly, Kat slips closer to the girl, choosing to ignore any comments made, and sits in front of her, making sure to maintain distance to not make her feel uncomfortable.

Admittedly, they haven't been in a situation even remotely similar, but they've read some articles that give her an idea of what to do. The rest, she's just winging it.

Slipping the ring onto her finger, Kat raises their hand.

"Hi, I'm Mr. Goggles." Kat opens and closes her hand to imply that it's the one speaking. As it does, Kat can see the girl look up in curiosity. They guess that it seems to be working. "What's your name?"

Kat cringes a bit, this girl is probably a college student, she doesn't need to be dumbed down.

"C-Cathy." Cathy's eyes seem to light up at the character. Although her hands haven't moved from their position, they've stopped pulling, and her rocking looks like it's slowing down. Kat smiles at her, hoping she recognizes it.

She takes the ring off of her finger, and holds it out in their palm, offering it to her.

"You can have it." They say just loud enough for Cathy to hear. The latter looks at her in confusion. Why would the pretty girl be giving this to her of all people? She doesn't even know her. "It's okay, really."

At this point, Cathy's hand have since released from her head as she contemplates this. Hesitantly, she reaches out, causing Kat to scoot forward so she can hand it to her.

Cathy curiously spins and shakes the toy before putting the ring on her finger, like the pretty girl had. She opens and closes her hand, and her heart seems to flutter--at both the shaking sound of the googly eyes, and the little character that appears on her hand.

Kat smiles when they hear quiet coos coming from Cathy's mouth. What she did seemed to work, and she's calmed down.

Speaking of which, they should probably go and find their parents before she gets punished. Again. Yet, there's something that draws her towards this...stranger. She can rule out love, as she identifies as demisexual, but they're tempted to stay here in their little bubble.

Without any outside influence, just them-

"Oh my god, thank you." The two middle-aged men briskly walk over, one of them kneeling to communicate with Cathy through what looks to be sign language, and the other turning his attention to Kat.

Feelings and memories are shoved down into the archives of Kat's mind. She doesn't need or want to remember, and this guy shouldn’t have to worry over another panic attack.

”Thank you so much for calming her down. My husband and I really appreciate it. Not many people have enough patience to deal with our daughter’s autism.” The thought of these two men being married and raising a child calms some of Kat’s nerves, but just some.

”You’re welcome. Does she go to school here?” Kat curses at themself for asking that, but surprisingly the question isn’t taken a wrong way.

“No, we’re just visiting friends.” The other husband mentions as he helps Cathy up. “But thank you for being so kind. It’s rare that people listen.” Oh. Kat would know that firsthand. The countless times it’s happened.

“Yes, for sure.” Is what she settles with. They don’t need to know. “I should get going though. Wish you all the best!” With the goodbye, Kat runs off to find their family, praying they didn’t notice her absence.

But of course, they did, and while she’s being scolded at, Kat lets her thoughts take over for a bit. It’s not like it’d end any differently. It’s always the same punishment and Kat hates it each time.

They’ve felt nothing for the past couple of years but today just seemed to be different. An unlikely meeting, yet Cathy seemed to have an effect on them. And they only met for a couple of minutes if anything.

They don’t know why she’s putting so much thought into this.

What are the odds of them meeting again anyway?

-

Kat walks up to their meeting spot for lunch. She doesn’t have friends, acquaintances really, but they eat with them to trick themselves into thinking they are her friends. That she’s not completely alone. To distract herself from other things.

Right before they sit, Kat sees someone else, seated by themselves. People walk past without so much as a second glance, and Kat can’t take their eyes of them. They have brown curly hair, and they’re wearing a blue hoodie, which in itself is a bit odd for August.

Kat fiddles with their pink crop top. She sees herself in this mystery person. The emptiness and loneliness. Perhaps if they help the other, maybe they’ll feel less damaged as well.

”Do any of you recognize them?” Most of them don’t, but someone claims to have seen her in their creative writing class, and another claims that she has ASD. “I’m gonna go talk to her.”

The girl in pink sees the strange looks from their lunch mates, but like she’s done before, it goes ignored.

"Hi." The girl on the bench looks up at the new voice. "Can I eat lunch with you?" The brunette scoots over and pats the empty space for her to sit. As Kat sits down, the other can't seem to take her eyes off her. She's pretty.....and someone she hasn't gotten the chance to thank yet.

Quickly the girl in blue digs through her bag, looking for a certain item that a certain someone had given her on a certain summer day at the mall. She shakes the rings back and forth to get the pretty girl's attention.

"Oh. Wait." Kat takes a better look at the girl she's sitting next to. No wonder she felt familiar. "We met over the summer. Cathy, right?" Cathy nods, smile growing on her face. "Well, I never told you my name, so I guess I'll do that now. Hi, I'm Kat. She/they pronouns."

"She/her." Cathy points to herself as she speaks, to make sure that Kat didn't think that Cathy didn't support their pronouns. "And thank you." Kat tilts their head in confusion. "For Mr. Goggles and helping me during my meltdown. You kinda saw me at my worst."

"Oh um, it's nothing." Lie. "Hold on, I thought you were just visiting?" ..Not a complete lie, she put some pieces together.

"My dad got a job here and my pop didn't want to be more than an hour away from me because....you know." Cathy realizes she's been stimming, but doesn't stop her actions, rather glancing at Kat to see her reaction. Nothing. Kat's eyes never leave Cathy's, well really her head since the latter isn't a fan of direct eye contact.

And that's another thing. Kat doesn't force eye contact like the other's experienced so many times before. Cathy's met very few people who are similar, and she holds them all close to her heart.

"Yeah."

The two talk for a little longer before departing for their separate classes. 'Two' honestly refers to Kat leading the conversation and Cathy commenting when prompted, but neither really care. They make sure to exchange numbers, but little did they know how much they would end up depending on each other.

-

She was minding her own business, honest. Cathy was never one to go into crowded places alone, for obvious reasons, but this is the easiest and closest place for her to meet with her new friend.

The ever so increasing volume of the area starts to bother the blue girl, so she takes out her headphones, blocking out most of the noise. She checks her watch again. Kat’s still not here?

Her initial thought is that Kat blew her off, but they’ve made it very clear that she’d never do something like that, not without explanation. To steer her thoughts away from becoming too overwhelming, Cathy plays with her fidget cube inside her pocket.

It’s never completely gone, but Cathy’s certainly learned how to handle her ASD better. Or at least, so that she can prevent any public outbreaks.

Unlike some people who just haven’t grown up from high school behavior yet. This particular guy thinks it's funny to copy her very subtle stimming. Just your typical jackass.

"Dude stop, she hasn't done anything to you." And that, would be the arrival of her friend. Kat turns to Cathy, tilting their head in the direction of her dorm, and the pair starts walking away. "He didn't make you uncomfortable, did he?"

Cathy shakes her head, and the two walk in silence. The silence isn't all that bad or foreign, but rather a comfort to the two. Of course, until the unsuspected thunder. Seriously, they don't know why they bother listening to the weather reports at this point.

In instinct, Cathy takes off her jacket and wraps it around Kat before pulling the both of them into the dorms.

"Cathy, you can stop running, we're inside now." Cathy doesn't stop. She doesn't want anyone else to see what she's done. No one's seen it. Not even her parents. She keeps her same pace until she's navigated the halls to Kat's dorm.

Only then does she let go.

And she immediately regrets it.

"Cathy...." Without the long sleeves as a cover, Cathy's scars are exposed. Even as she tries to hide it with her hands, they're still visible. She does nothing except curl in on herself, soft noises coming from her mouth. Kat does nothing except open the door, trying their best not to stare so hard.

Thank goodness her roommate is out of town, that would've made for some awkward conversation. Kat and Cathy walk in, the latter with a brisk pace, the former with a moment of hesitation.

"You did that yourself, didn't you?"

-

and that's where i gave up, basically, where i was going with this was that cathy opens up about the self-harm, then kat opens up about her trauma yea, they're friends! cathy is a year older than kat, so she graduates and although they still talk, it's not as often as kat would like. long story short, kat starts to feel lonely and depressed again, and they feel so disconnected from the world that she kills herself by overdose. little does she know that cathy and her friends were just on their way to surprise them, but see kat just in time for it to happen. cathy runs up, and begs kat to stay with her (the others are calling an ambulance) and kat's like "shit no, wait, you're here" then black out.

whether or not kat survives is up to interpretation! or....would've been hehe. idk, i'm kinda rambling now, but yea here's an abandoned oneshot

[START] [ABOUT AND WARNINGS] [FAQ]

Steve/ Admit to Steve you aren’t interested in sex

You look up at Steve as he sways with you on the dance floor.  “Steve,” you say.  “I think we need to talk.”

“Oh no,” Steve says, stopping dead in place.  “That doesn't sound good.”

You shake your head and take his hand.  “It’s nothing you’ve done if that helps.  Come and sit down and I’ll explain.”

Steve follows you back to your table and you take a seat opposite and drain the glass of wine you’ve left waiting for you.  Steve watches you with a look on his face that is full of worry.  You’re pretty sure he’s expecting a breakup speech, but really you’re scared of him leaving you when he hears your truth.

You take a deep breath and start talking.  “So,” you say.  “I really should have brought this up earlier, but you’ve been so slow to move and I was enjoying it so much - just the dating.  I guess I was being selfish.”

“What is it, sweetheart?”  Steve says, taking your hand.

“The thing is,” you say.  “I’m asexual.”

Steve looks at you with his brow furrowed.  “I’m sorry?  I don’t know what that means.”

“It’s a little hard to explain for people to really get it,” you say.  “But basically, I’m not attracted to people sexually.”

“So you’re celibate?”  Steve asks.

You shake your head.  “I mean, yes, but that’s not what I mean.  Celibacy is a choice.  Asexuality is a sexual orientation.”  You pause and think of a way to phrase it so he might understand.  “So you understand how a straight male will be sexually attracted to only women, right?  When they see men there is no attraction at all?”

“Yes,” he confirms.  “Of course.”

“So it’s like that, only I don’t feel sexual attraction to anyone,” you explain.

“But you date,” he says.

“Right, well, I still like the other stuff,” you say.  “I like cuddling and holding hands.  And going out to dinner and dancing.  I love getting flowers and when you kiss me.  But I never respond in any kind of sexual way to that.”

Steve sits back in his chair and seems to mull over your words.  “Never?”  He asks.

“Not so far,” you say.  “I mean it’s possible that maybe one day I might - I guess.  Some people are what’s called demisexual, and if they get a strong enough bond they start feeling sexual attraction too.  That’s never happened to me though, so I kinda figure it’s just not going to.  You never know, but I wouldn’t want you to get your hopes up, or try to fix me. I’m not broken.  It’s just my sexual orientation.  Maybe, for the right person, I might be willing to have sex with them anyway… but that’s a big maybe.”

“Huh,” Steve says and waves over the waiter.  You watch him as he seems to be thinking about everything you just said and process it. The waiter arrives and Steve orders a Scotch.  You ask for a refill on your wine.  When they leave you alone again, Steve returns his attention to you.

“So, demisexuality… that’s what you said right?”

“Yeah, that’s only feeling sexual attraction when there’s an emotional bond,” you say.  “There’s also grey ace, that’s asexuality, except sometimes when certain conditions are met you might feel it.  Those conditions aren’t the same for everyone, and may not even be the same each time.  But that’s not me as far as I can tell either.”

“See the thing is,” he says.  “I never feel it until I really feel strongly for a person.  Maybe even I need to be in love.  I know it’s something people want and need, and I’ve mostly just gone along with sex because I want to give people what they need from me.  I mean… it feels fine, but I guess what I get out of it is watching them enjoy themselves and knowing that pleasure is coming from me.”

“You think you might be demisexual?”  You ask.

Steve nods.  “I think -” he takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly.  “I always felt like there was something wrong with me.  All the guys I knew growing up always talked about getting into girls’ skirts.  Even Bucky liked telling me what base he got to.  And I just… never cared about that kind of thing.  I guess originally I figured it was because no girls ever showed any interest in me and that maybe when they did I’d feel it.  And then I became this -” he gestured to himself.  “And then they did and I just felt awkward all the time and I hated the attention.  There have been people I felt it with, but it takes so long, and usually what I feel more is just that desire for love and affection.  When you were just describing that… it felt like I just understood something about myself that I never really understood before.”

You smile at him and take his hand, bringing it to your lips and kissing his palm.  “I’m so happy for you.”

“Thank you, sweetheart,” he says.  “And… honestly, if you want to be with me and never have sex… I’m fine with that.  I think we could build something with that.”

“Really?”  You ask, your heart feeling full and hopeful.

He nods.  “Yeah.  Really.  If you want to try with me, I’d love to try too.  Would you like to go away anyway?   No sex, just a nice weekend of cuddling by the fire and looking at antiques.”

“Antiquing with my antique boyfriend?”  You tease.

“Hey now,” he teased back.  “Don’t make me take it back.”

You laugh.  “Sorry.  I couldn’t help myself.  It was an easy mark.  But yes.  I’d love that.”

It’s a few weeks before the two of you can organize a weekend that you’re both free to get away together.  He picks you up in the morning in an SUV and the two of you take the long drive up the coast together.

They say that road trips will make or break a relationship.  Being trapped in a car with anyone for hours could kill the best of relationships.  But if you’re on the same wavelength, it’s a great time to just sit and be together.  Steve’s driving style is a little erratic.  He has this very dad-like quality about control of the radio and not putting your arms out the window, yet he drives like a maniac and you sometimes wonder where exactly he’d gotten his license.

It’s a nice drive even with those things.  The further north you go the redder the leaves on the trees get and he stops anytime you see something you want to check out.  So by the time you’ve arrived at the inn Steve has booked for your stay, you have a trunk full of homemade preserves, interesting antiques, moon pies, and maple candy.

The Inn overlooks the river and is a classic Queen Anne building.  Pumpkins are sitting on the front porch and all around the trees are so vibrantly red, that when the sun hits them just right, it looks like they’re on fire.

Everything inside is old and cute, adding to that feeling of stepping back in time.  Steve checks in and the lady that runs the place sees you to your room.  It’s an eclectic mix of golds, blues, and greens, but everything has that ‘heritage look’.  The lamps all have Tiffany-style glass lampshades, and the sofa chairs are all wingback.  The bed is a hardwood four-poster with light white drapes hanging from it and a patchwork quilt folded over the end.  The rest of the furniture matches the same dark wood and is all sturdy and beautiful.  In the bathroom, the sink is vessel style sitting on a hardwood vanity and the bath is an old clawfoot slipper tub.  Fresh baked cookies sit on the dresser and the sweet scent of them blends with the floral undertones from little bowls of potpourri sitting around the room.  It’s the kind of room you think of when people say they’re going to weekend in Vermont and everything you had hoped for when Steve had invited you away for the weekend.

“Remind you of the good old days?”  You tease as you close the door behind you.

“I’m not that old,” Steve chuckles, pinching your side.

You squeal and wrap your arm around his waist.  “It’s very cute here, we’re going to have such a nice weekend.”

Steve pulls you close and kisses you deeply, you melt into it, your lips moving with his, and as his tongue flicks out over the corner of your mouth, you bring yours to meet it.  He pulls back very slowly, and you chase his lips for a moment before looking into his eyes feeling a little soft at the edges.

“Shall we go out for a walk?  Take advantage of this crisp fall air?”  Steve asks.

“That sounds like a great idea,” you agree.

You follow Steve back outside and he offers you his hand.  It’s a rare gesture from him out in the world.  You will get offered his elbow semi-regularly, but hand holding is usually something kept to sitting on the couch together.  You link your fingers with his and begin the walk through the Vermont countryside.

The air is cool and crisp and after being in the city and the long drive to get here, you have to admit, getting out outside where the air was clean does make a nice change.  There is something else you can’t deny.  This is romantic.  Straight from the book romance.  The only thing that would make it more romantic was if there had been rose petals laid out on the bed when you’d arrived - but that would have made you uncomfortable, so you were thankful that didn’t happen.  You cuddle up to Steve as you walk and without letting go of your hand, he wraps his arm around your shoulders, so your hand is held over your heart as you walk.  Each step you take creates the crunch of freshly fallen leaves and gravel and even that somehow adds to the ambiance.

“The air feels easier to breathe out here, doesn’t it?”  You say.

“Mm… I wonder what it would have been like if I’d grown up somewhere like this, instead of Brooklyn.  I mean, asthma is asthma, but surely all that pollution wouldn’t have helped,” Steve muses.

“I wouldn’t have thought so,” you chuckle.

“I will say, I’m definitely a city boy,” he says.  “This is a nice change, but I think I’d miss the noise.”

You smile and nudge him.  “Steve Rogers likes to be where the action is?  Well, I never!”

He laughs and pulls you down against his chest and kisses the top of your head.  “You got me.”

You reach up and pluck a leaf from a tree as you pass under it.  It’s large and bright red.  You spin it around in front of you and hold it up to your face.  “Look at the size of this thing,” you say.  “It’s as big as my head.”

Steve looks at you with such a soft expression it makes your heart skip a beat.  He stops and cradles your jaw, looking deep into your eyes.  You lose yourself in the soft blue of his and lean in a little.  “I love you,” he says softly.

There is no build-up to it.  No giant declaration.  It’s simple and tender and so genuine that for a moment it feels like time stops.

Tell him you love him too

Hold back on the ‘I love you’

Are We All We Are?

Author: Lopithecus Pairing: Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz Rating: Teen+ Word Count: 2448 Alternate: AO3 Summary: Eddie has never actually found anyone as "hot" or "sexy." In fact, he doesn't even really understand what those terms, when directed towards another human being, mean. He knows there is something wrong with him because of this. So, when Buck starts to catch on, he might or might not panic just a little.

Thankfully, Buck knows what the hell is going on and not only helps Eddie in his self-discovery, but also reassures Eddie that he accepts him no matter what. Warnings:

Asexual Character

Asexual Eddie

Ace Eddie

Introspection

Some thoughts on sexual attraction, sex, and Eddie's past and current relationship

Written by an asexual writer (I think that's important to note)

Established Relationship

Self-Discovery

Author's Note: So, I’m asexual, I’ve already written a fic that implied demisexual Eddie, and then I saw this gifset by @maysgrant (prev. asgardiun) that was requested by @judsonryder​ (so I’m going to tag you too), and so the next logical step was to write a fic with asexual Eddie! Also, I felt this fitting considering it’s Pride Month! I hope you all enjoy! (Title from Pink)

Eddie thinks Buck is handsome. He thought Shannon was pretty. He loved Shannon, or at least he did at some point. He loves Buck more than he can ever properly express. He wants to do a lot of things with Buck just like he made a family, or tried to make a family, with Shannon. He wants to get it right with Buck when he couldn’t with Shannon. Whatever went wrong in his relationship with Shannon, he doesn’t want that to happen with Buck. So he tries harder.

But like with Shannon there still seems to be something missing in his relationship with Buck. It’s not that he’s not happy, he is. Eddie is happier than he has in a long time. They cuddle on the couch and watch movies with Christopher snuggled in a ball of blankets on the floor, half passed out from the long day he’s had. He and Buck will snuggle up in bed and hold each other, and Buck will make Eddie feel safe just like he hopes he makes Buck feel the same. They go on dates and always have each other’s back when out on a call.

It’s everything that didn’t happen with him and Shannon.

Still, he knows it’s weird that he never thinks about Buck in a sexual way or that it’s almost always Buck who suggests they have sex. He knows there’s something wrong when his focus is entirely on Buck’s pleasure, which he enjoys, but would rather have Buck not touch him. Or, when he is feeling aroused due to physical stimulation — never sexual thoughts, even when he forces himself to try and think of Buck that way but only ends up confused as to why he has no interest in those thoughts — he’s not really into it and he just wants to get his own pleasure done and over with so they can move onto the snuggling part. Eddie knows there is something wrong with him when he can’t confidently say his boyfriend is looking hot or, the worse one of them all, sexy .

He knows this.

He knew this when it happened with Shannon.

He knew this when even after Shannon left him, he never slept with another person until Shannon came back.

And he still knows this even when he’s now dating Buck.

Eddie has always had a complicated relationship with sex. It makes him feel good but he is never really into it. He used to have sex with Shannon because he thought that’s what you were supposed to do. He was her boyfriend and then fiance and then husband. Sex just came with the role, how you made a family, and the glue that kept everything together, even in a relationship that was clearly falling apart. Plus, he’s a man, and men are supposed to be all about sex.

Except Eddie isn’t.

He’s always felt like sex was some kind of chore that he had to do in a relationship, that it was the human way of showing someone that you love them.

It’s expected.

Especially since, in Eddie’s case, he’s not exactly that great with words. It’s difficult for him to tell someone, “I love you” so he usually resorts to what he knows best in showing affection.

Sex.

He makes sure that Buck feels good, peppers him in kisses, and snuggles and moves his hands around his body sensually. Buck is his priority in this situation and Buck likes the build-up. Eddie couldn’t care less what he gets out of it and sometimes even prefers not getting anything out of it. Sometimes, it’s even difficult to get aroused by the whole thing in first place and he knows that his tired excuse will only go so far and for so long.

When it comes to the actual sex, it gets a bit more tricky. He goes through the motions, replaying what he knows Buck likes, never changing it up and Buck makes sure he feels good too when Eddie can actually manage to get through it. Only, when it always does happen, it almost always feels a little lackluster for Eddie.

So he fakes it.

He fakes the withering, the moaning, the enjoyment of sucking Buck off even though he really doesn’t like it and could do without it. But Buck likes it and Buck likes the noises he makes when it’s Buck’s turn to make him feel good. And when it’s finally time for him to reach the climax, he fakes that too.

Sure, he feels the pleasure from it but it’s never spectacular and nothing he thinks he would get addicted to. It was the same with Shannon. He enjoyed making her get off, watching her enjoying herself, more than him enjoying it and with Buck, he’s the same. He loves seeing Buck pant and hear him say his name and cry into his fist when he finally reaches that peak.

It’s a little fascinating and he sometimes finds himself wondering how it must feel. But at the same time, he can’t be bothered to care much.

If Eddie is completely honest with himself, he could live without sex in a relationship. He’d much rather have the cuddles, or the dates, or snuggling up under the warm covers. He doesn’t see the need to have sex so often if ever at all. But he’ll never admit that out loud because that means something is wrong with him.

That he’s broken somehow.

That’s why, when Buck abruptly stops kissing his neck and pulls his hands from out from under Eddie’s shirt, he panics a little. Buck is looking at him strangely and Eddie’s heart starts to beat fast in his chest. He doesn’t know what he’s done wrong. Mentally going over everything he’s done up to this point, he tries to pinpoint the moment Buck realized that something was damaged inside Eddie.

“You don’t want this, do you?” Buck sits up, sitting on his calves.

“What?” Eddie sits up too, trying to desperately repair this. Sex was supposed to be what kept the relationship alive. He can’t lose it just because he’s a little broken. “Of course, I do.”

“Eddie, you’ve never really been into this.”

“No!”

Buck sighs and stands, pulling his shirt back on and Eddie doesn’t know what to do. Shannon always went with it, even if she had her doubts about Eddie’s own enjoyment. “I want you to be honest with me, Eddie.”

Eddie panics, stands as well, and follows Buck out into the living room. He doesn’t want to lose Buck, this relationship. “I am.”

“Okay,” Buck turns to him, throws his hands out. “Are you attracted to me?”

“Yes,” Eddie says because he is. Buck is handsome and adorable and he loves him so much his heart might break.

Buck is shaking his head. “I’m not talking about if I look good to you. I’m talking about whether or not you think I’m hot, sexy.”

Eddie draws a blank. He’s never really understood those terms. He doesn’t know what hot and sexy mean, has never really related to them. They make him uncomfortable and he knows they are supposed to pertain to sex but he just doesn’t get it. “Y-yes,” he lies because he doesn’t know what else to do.

Buck’s lips thin and Eddie knows Buck knows he just lied to him. “Do you want to be in a relationship with me?”

“Yes,” Eddie says firmly, more confidently because he does. He loves Buck. He loves him with everything he’s got.

“Do you want to have sex with me?”

Eddie hesitates, swallows. “Yes?” He really didn’t mean for that to come out as a question. Buck sighs again, slumping. “Why does it matter? You want to have sex with me so we have sex.”

“Eddie…” another heavy sigh. “I want both of us to enjoy it.”

“I do.”

“No, you don’t.” Eddie looks to the floor, feeling shame pushing on his chest. This is the part where Buck will tell Eddie just how broken and messed up he is and how he needs to get himself fixed. “Did you think I wouldn’t be able to tell? At first, I thought it was because you’ve never been with a man before but you should be used to it by now, Eddie.”

“No,” Eddie says quickly, looking back up at Buck who is looking nothing short of hurt. “No, it was the same with Shannon.”

“Oh.” Buck’s tone changes completely as if something has just occurred to him. As if Eddie’s frantic and desperate declaration of how shattered his relationship with Shannon was because of him made Buck come to a realization. “So, you’ve never really been interested in sex? Or really been sexually attracted to someone?”

Eddie shuffles on his feet, looking to the floor again. He shrugs. “I…” He peers at Buck again, “You’re good looking, you are and I can see that, but I… I’m not sure what it feels like to want to jump into bed with a person just because they’re handsome or pretty.”

“But not sexy or hot?”

“I don’t even understand what those mean,” Eddie says, frustrated. “What is hot and what is sexy? I know it has to do with wanting to have sex with someone but… I just don’t… get it.” This time Eddie sighs. “I’m sorry. I know there’s something wrong with me to make me like this but-”

“No, Eddie.” Buck walks up to him, grabs his hands, and squeezes them reassuringly. “There is nothing wrong with you.”

“Buck, I’m not attracted to my boyfriend in a sexual way. There’s definitely something wrong with me.”

Buck chuckles and guides them down onto the couch. He never lets go of Eddie’s hands. “Eddie, have you ever heard of Asexuality?”

“No.”

“I thought so. Here.” Buck pulls over Eddie’s laptop that had been sitting on the coffee table, turns it on, pulls up the web browser, and types in Asexual into the search engine. He then hands it over to Eddie. “Read up on it while I go get supper started.” Getting up, Buck leaves him to it.

Eddie does read up on it, clicking on multiple links and reading so many articles his head hurts. He finds a forum and reads about other people’s experiences, and maybe some of it does seem to relate to him. Or, really, a lot of it relates to him. Acknowledging that doesn’t necessarily lift the weight off his chest, he probably has a ways to go before he can completely accept this part of himself, but it’s a start. So he bookmarks a couple of websites and the forum after making an account — not that he would ever actually talk on it but some people have hidden their stories from people not logged in and Eddie is in deep now.

“So?” Buck comes to sit down next to him on the couch. He sits close, slightly angled in Eddie’s direction, and their knees touch. “What do you think?”

Eddie shrugs. “I don’t know.”

“I’m not trying to push some label onto you Eddie, but I do want you to be comfortable with yourself and understand yourself and maybe someday, accept yourself,” Buck gives him an encouraging smile. “And, Eddie, asexual or not, if you don’t want to have sex with me anymore, I’m fine with that.”

Eddie huffs. “Really?” Buck tilts his head in question. “I’m not saying I don’t want to have sex with you but depending on how long this relationship lasts, that could mean months, years, longer… You sure you could do that?”

Buck holds up a finger. “First off, our relationship is going to last for the rest of our lives.”

“Careful what you say. Our lives could be very short in our line of work.”

“Don’t even say that,” Buck chastises and Eddie shuts up. “Secondly, I do have two very capable hands and it gives me an excuse to visit a sex shop and do some shopping.” Eddie scowls in disgust and Buck chuckles at his reaction. “No, but seriously, Eddie, I want you to be comfortable and if that means no sex, then we don’t have sex.”

Eddie contemplates it. It’s not like he’s sex-repulsed like some other people who are asexual have said — and he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with those people, now that he’s read up on the sexuality a bit more, but it’s not something he relates to.

Eddie shrugs again and glances at Buck, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. “Maybe we could have just… less of it?”

“Yeah,” Buck doesn’t even hesitate to agree to it. “But Eddie, just know, that if you ever just want to stop having sex in this relationship forever, then I’m okay with that. You’re not going to lose me over this. Masturbating can actually be quite fun and feel really good. After all,” Buck’s smile is wide and teasing. “No one knows what you like the most better than yourself.”

Eddie huffs a laugh. “Sorry, Buck, can’t really relate.”

“So you’ve never even masturbated before?” Buck sounds almost fascinated.

“I mean, I’ve tried but it’s always taken too much energy, too much effort, and the end results aren’t worth it,” he answers. Buck is looking unfazed by his words and he can’t even express how grateful he is of Buck’s reaction. “You know, when Shannon left, I didn’t sleep with anyone for two years before she came back. I thought I was just being loyal because I was still married to her.” He shakes his head. “Now I realize I just… didn’t have the interest.”

“You know that’s okay?” Buck has turned serious again. “There are millions of people out there that are also asexual, Eddie.” He shrugs. “If that’s what you decide you are.”

Eddie chuckles humorlessly. “And here I thought the only thing I had to stress about was liking other men.” Then, he looks at Buck hesitantly. “So you don’t mind that I’m not sexually attracted to you? That I don’t find you ‘sexy’ per se?”

“It really doesn’t, Eddie. I know you love me.” Buck reaches over, puts a hand on his knee. “You’ve got my support.”

Eddie puts his hand on Buck’s and intertwines their fingers. “You don’t know how much that means to me, Buck.”

“Eddie,” Buck scoots closer, pulls him in tight against his side and Eddie lays his head down on Buck’s shoulder. “I’ll always support and accept you. I’ve got your back, remember?”

Eddie smiles, turning his face into Buck’s neck to hide the redness that is appearing from being overwhelmed. “Thank you, Buck.”

———————————————————————————————————–

A/N: I hope you all enjoyed this! I rated it “T” because of the sex introspection. Also, I’m really loving the idea of ace Eddie! Although, I’m going to admit, despite being ace myself, I was a little nervous about writing this and possibly misrepresenting the ace community. Go figure!

I actually am sex-repulsed myself (at least when it comes to sex and my body) so I based Eddie’s thoughts about sex off things I’ve heard other sex indifferent aces say. His thoughts on the words “hot” and “sexy” are actually my thoughts. I really don’t understand what makes someone “hot” and “sexy.” It confuses me greatly.

Anyway! Thank you all for reading this! Let me know if you like the idea of asexual Eddie!

The procces of realising you’re aroace: a tale by me version 2

Realising you’re aroace is suddenly comprehending why your few friends (with one exception) have always turned out to be in the queer community at the end. Like. That fenomenum of “queer radar only you don’t realise it’s there and you end up gravitating together anyway?” yup- It happens too. Only most of the time you think you’re an allied cis-het weirdo who cares too much about something that doesn’t have anything to do with you, and who cares if you feel weird when other people assume you’re hetero (or that you have a orientation at all), you sure aren’t attracked to your same gender either. Nor are any kind of trans.

And then you discover asexuality in your late teens and it feels weirdly near you, but you think you’re trying to make it so you’re special, so you dismiss any ace feels as you being a late bloomer, and only take care of including it in discussions about queer issues, and then you feel strangely hurt when a professor dismisses it as “some self descriptor weird lonely japanese men in their 40′s created who only care for 2D” which. You don’t have to tell me all the problems in that sentence. Believe me, I know. And you can’t come with arguments except well if people feel like using it, then we should respect it, bc you don’t have the words to explain asexuality except that internet in english told you it was a thing and you still don’t know except in a nebulous way what even is aromanticism, so you didn’t bring that up in the discussion at all.

And a pair of years after that you start using demisexual bc it feels less scary and very reasonable except you’ve never felt attracted to anyone, how do you even tell it? And relationships scare you, and you still don’t have any idea of what is aromanticism except it scares you and you don’t want to contemplate a life being aro. You love romances after all

(except when you have to look the other way in any kind of profound kiss, bc it’s private people, which makes you feel wiedly homophobic when you’re watching a lgbtq+ media or your best friend with her girlfriend even if it’s the same with hetero, except then it’s just that sex is weird in film and kisses with tongue are still private people!)

and obviously you still don’t want to have sex with a girl (Except perhaps those emotional dreams of touching with a friend that aren’t sex but almlost and are very comfortable anyways it could be nice you’re sure but nice isn’t desire is it?) so even although guys make you nervous and any thought of doing anything romantic-sexual with one is a “yikes” you suppose you find some really pretty in a different way you do with woman and that must be ~attraction~.

And a friend tells you that a guy tried to sound her to see if he could date you and she told him you were ace and uninterested in any kind of relationship, and you go “why?” confused and a bit elated bc holy shit what a relief you won’t have to confront him, but also a bit of panic (that’s how i come across? it isn’t my imagination, im so obvious oh no) and she tells you, “well you are almost one and you don’t have any intention of dating anybody right now so i thought it best to cut any feels on his part right now”. And it gives you things to think about.

And another two years pass except this time you’ve started to educate yourself on aromanticism bc too many relatable posts on tumblr looking into the ace tag made you “holy shit yeah this makes more sense than just asexuality” but also you keep loving romance stories except now you’ve started to recognize you’re starved of friendship in all the ambits of your live and you’re also a young adult who still doesn’t want a relationship, what do i do? And maybe you’re not demi, you’re ace and you can think sex sounds a nice activity to do with intimate friends (aro aro aro) but not something you’re into, and you’re still ace, you’re not attracted to anybody not really. What a relief. (you still can’t try on the aro umbrella)

And you question yourself bc a fantastic guy has become your friend, and your minds vibe inmensely well, and you talk during quearentine, but he gives you some weird vibes sometimes, and makes you gifts which you ignore bc holy shit a best friend! And he has money and he’s lonely! I would also give gifts to my besties if I had money! And then he confesses to you on wassap, and you realise he has put you on a pedestal and has cofessed but already said himself he doesn’t want a relationship with you bc he would corrupt you or something and anyway, he’s not really in love with you he’s using you as a mental crutch to try to not be depressed, he knows that noe but he hates psycologists. Also, can i have some time apart from you?

So you tell him you feel flattered but that you see him as only a friend, and please can you not put yourself so below me? Search professional help. I’ll stay away as long as you need.

And you start feeling uneasy, but you think it’s only that he’s a weirdo and really you’ve dodged a bullet of course you wouldn’t want to go out with him, he’s not really the kind of pretty you like. Except if you’re ace what does it matter? Isn’t it that you feel pretty repulsed by trying a romantic relationship? Or are you just justifying your own aloofness and personality problems that make impossibly difficult to try a romance anyway. People don’t control who they feel romantic feels for anyway.

Except in the following months when you’ve finally reaturned to be friends you’re so relieved to not have that shadow above you and really wouldn’t it be amazing if everybody knew you didn’t want anything to do with them romantically? To be free to be friends and hug them, and walk arm in arm or go to lunch and cinema and still be just friends? To plan your future in a line along with those friends but not be really a committement as much as you just want to enjoy talking face to face with them for a bit longer.

So you go back to read about aromanticism and maybe you cry a little but mostly you’re pretty happy and scared about it. And you tell that friend, bc he’s your bestie right now and you feel him being bi and also being interested in you in the past would make him more likely to react well. It’s not personal it’s just the way I am. And then you start crying in the middle of a starbucks for 15 min. and you didn’t now you feel so much so intensely about being aroace, and how it had impacted you without knowing and how much you hate those expectations. And he hugs you and tells you “nobody has the right to tell you how to live. if you feel like you’re never gonna be in a relationship that’s your business and you’ll be happy anyway” and you cry harder. And then you both have a sincere conversation about sex as he has experimented it and how you feel it pretty strange and weird, but maybe you’d like to try it sometime. Just not a time near now. And if it’s never that’s pretty okey with you too.

So you go home feeling a bit embarrased but also pretty elated except a week later there’s another wassap message from him, saying he feels he still loves you, and that he understands intelectually your nearness with him is friendly but still feels romantic and it confuses me and it pains me and i would prefer to not be your friend anymore, sorry, men are shit and me the worst of them.

“Ok” I write back. I’m furious and hurt and I don’t want to see his liar face anymore. So fuck you, I think. “Thanks for telling me” And I block his number and I don’t talk to him when we met with out mutual friends, and when it’s necessary I talk as if he were a stranger. Kindly but impersonal. Isn’t that what you wanted? To lost a friend? So you’ve lost me forever.

And it became clear to me that I don’t think I’ll ever understand the stupidity of not wanting to see someone just because their lives don’t revolve around you the way you like, even though you’re friends and you can talk to them about anything at all anyway, and be there for help with the shitty parts of life. There are things I’ll never felt or do for another. 

And I’m ok with that.

Alright, friends, your local demi is going to take one last bow before ace week is up.

I’m going to talk about myself, because I the lived experience of ace and acespec people isn’t talked about enough and, well, this is the week to talk about it!

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s bring in a good ol’ frame of reference:

78% pure. For those who don’t know this is the rice purity test, where high scores mean you haven’t participated in many “racy” activities and low scores mean you have.

First, let’s state that I don’t want to put too much stock on this test. Only 3/4 of the questions are about sex and dating while the remaining 1/4 is about alcohol, drugs, and illegal activity. (Part of the reason my score is so high is because I, unrelated to being acespec, don’t drink or smoke.) But, like I said, it’s a place to start.

Stats. I’m a 24-year-old woman. I am cisgender, straight, and demisexual/demiromantic (not asexual or aromantic). I have never had a boyfriend, I have never enjoyed kissing, I have never had sex.

Oof, and right away, I’m embarrassed saying that.

And that’s the whole problem.

(This post clocks in at ~1.6k, so the rest is under the cut. Trigger warning for suicidal ideation.)

Well, not my whole problem, haha, but it is why I’m bothering to talk about this instead of keeping it secret, like I prefer to. I want to dispel some myths that harm the way I view myself and keep me from being honest with others. Because I fear that when people look at me and hear “24-year-old virgin” they assume things about me that just aren’t true.

First thing’s first. The fact that I’m a virgin means nothing except that I have not had sexual intercourse with another person. There are no other assumptions to be made.

It hurts when people are surprised by this. I happen to fall mostly into the barbed categories of American conventional attractiveness, so when people hear that I have never had a boyfriend or that I’m a virgin, they assume there’s something wrong with me. Or that past men I’ve been around have missed an opportunity or something.

This is shitty on two levels. One, the assumption that my stats are the way they are because of some failure sucks. All it should be is a reflection of my agency and the fact that I am the queen of saying no. (In fact, it was my first word.) But then people are assuaged by the fact that I have, in fact, been approached for sex, as though that confirms for them the value that they assumed I had. As though that’s where any of my worth should be coming from.

Two, these assumptions, when flipped, imply that it would “make sense” for me to have my stats if I looked different or was less neurotypical.

Media--as it does--has played a role in these assumptions. I think about the characters who are “later-in-life virgins” and I think of Emma Pillsberry from Glee, who deals with extreme OCD and germophobia. Or Sheldon and Amy from The Big Bang Theory, the former of whom might very well be acespec and is likely on the autism spectrum as well, but who is shown to be very antisocial with many difficulties forming interpersonal relationships and the latter of whom comes from a very conservative family and a mother who ensured she couldn’t learn social skills until well into her thirties. Or the “what if” episode of Friends that basically asserts that Monica would have been too fat to get laid. Or The 40-Year-Old Virgin, which I don’t wish to talk about. (Oof, all such problematic examples)

And yes, these characters are all white (I am not) and that’s a discussion for another post better made by someone who is more of a media expert than me.

These characters are all portrayed to have something that “explains” why they haven’t yet had the privilege of having sex. And we see in movies like The 40-Year-Old Virgin, or a whole host of teen movies, that virginity is something to conquer--especially for male characters.

I don’t look how people expect virginity to look. I’ll be real--I have high self esteem. I think I’m awesome inside and out and I don’t see any reason why I should be shy about that. I know that if I wanted to have sex with a stranger, I could do it tonight (covid notwithstanding--be safe, friends).

And even if I were a different person who had less self confidence or looked different or came from a different background, that wouldn’t mean that I “deserve” to be a virgin or whatever it is media is telling us. Virginity still wouldn’t have a damn thing to do with the other things that make up a person.

So, louder for the people in the back: being a virgin doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with me.

Next point. Being a virgin doesn’t mean that I’m innocent, a prude, or that I’m “waiting for marriage.”

Gosh, I’ve been asked if I’m waiting for marriage too many times. Two things. 1. No. I’d rather know my sexual compatibility with a partner before marriage and 2. I’m an atheist. So no.

Also, I am not innocent or a prude.

My lack of experience makes me feel infantilized. It does. That’s a personal issue of mine and, ya’ll, I don’t have many answers for how to overcome it. But I have done what I can to change that.

Guys, some of the best choices I’ve made in my adulthood are the things I’ve done to reclaim my sexuality (meaning sexualness not orientation) for myself. Not gonna get super nsfw here, but I’ve invested in about a dozen sex toys and I intend to buy more. They always makes me feel so much more adult and sexy. And I’ve done things with them that I feel pretty confident that many of my sexually active, allosexual friends haven’t done. This kind of thing isn’t for everyone acespec, but it helps me reclaim my worth as a sexual being, without needing a partner to validate that.

I’m also fully valid to write erotica! I love erotica and it’s another way I take back my sexuality. It is just as valid for me to write as it is for anyone else. I am capable of research--both on my own body and from resources, experts, and classes. I don’t need to have had sex for my opinion to matter.

Oh, and being acespec has nothing to do with my sex drive. It seems that I have a libido that is either average or slightly above average--I’m also a person that the more I’m engaging with my libido, the higher it gets.

This often feels like a curse. I, unlike many, but not all, acespec people, strongly desire sex. Like, I’ve bundled up a 35-pound weighted blanket on top of myself whilst engaging in self-pleasure just to try and make the activity feel more partnered (pro tip: that didn’t work.) The truth is that I’m really sick of having to take care of my libido by myself and would much rather have a partner.

But it’s not easy.

I’ve tried online dating, guys. Many times. I can’t do it. That’s not true of all acespec individuals, but it is for me, at least right now. For me, my demisexuality means that the idea and experience of going out, even on a casual date, with someone I’m not already interested in is nearly intolerable. And my current lifestyle, for many reasons, doesn’t lend itself well to me naturally forming crushes.

I’ve only had one major crush in my life. And it was 10 years ago. So you understand the difficulty.

I hate being demisexual, guys. I do. I wish that I could write this post with the intent of spreading pride and positivity, but I can’t. That’s not where I’m truthfully at yet. I’m lonely to the point of suicidal ideation. I’m too young for it, but I’m already making contingency plans for freezing my eggs or trying to imagine a future where I could be a single mother and...I can’t yet reconcile it. I know that part of this is my dreams being created in society’s image, but all I’ve ever wanted is to be a wife and a mother. And it’s hard to see that future when I can only look at my past and see images of silicone and sexual repulsion.

Remember when I said I’ve never enjoyed kissing? I’ve had more stage kisses than “real” kisses and, I have to say, the staged ones were more enjoyable because at least I wasn’t forcing myself to do them. Forcing myself to try to kiss someone so that I could feel “normal.” Forcing myself to kiss someone just because I was curious about what it was other people were talking about. My first “real” kiss was at 20 years old and it was a night where I forced myself to do a lot of things for the sake of catching up with my peers and I’ve been deeply uncomfortable with that experience ever since, and I can only be grateful that I stopped it as early in the evening as I did.

Everyone’s experience is so different, ya’ll. I haven’t heard a story like mine before, so in no way can I claim it to be an experience that widely represents demisexuality. It certainly doesn’t represent asexuality, nor how queerness (or many other things) intersects with either of those things.

But, at the same time, I’ve never heard a story like mine before. Do you know how helpful it would have been to have been able to see a story like this a few years ago? Ten years ago? It would have been life changing. Because even though, in the middle of all that self-confidence I spouted off about paragraphs ago, there’s this kernel of self-hatred stuck in my teeth, I would have felt validated. I would have felt seen. I would have been able to DM someone who could have told me, hey, it hurts and I know no one seems to understand you, but I do.

That’s to say, if anyone is going through something similar and wants to talk about it, my DMs are always open. I’m no expert, and I bet some of the things I’ve said here aren’t going to hit some people right, but this is my experience. This is the most intimate part of my life. It is a privilege that I’m sharing this with you all, so please, hold it with care. I hope this means something to someone.

Happy ace week, ya’ll.

Oh, and the rice purity test doesn’t mean shit. It’s good fun if you want, but if it makes you feel any kind of way because your number is too low or too high, throw it away. That’s not where any part of your value comes from.

The more I read into asexuality. The more I realize I’m asexual af. I’m definitely demisexual and graysexual more specifically. Also hearing my friend’s friend talk about her kinks is like whoa I have never felt more asexual because I’m not interested at all in talking about sex or kinks.

I have spent numerous time in a male strip club thinking I am in no way sexually attractive to men in that setting. Sure they are aesthetically pleasing but I wasn’t thinking I want to get to know any of them better. Yet I’ve been to a female strip club and I’m aroused but also weirded out because I respect women and I don’t know what is the level of inappropriate touching in that setting. In addition, to this I also find some transwomen and transmen beautiful af. In fact, I have made out with a transwomen and I also made out with lesbians. That being said I find certain cis-hetero men and cis-women attractive but....that doesn’t mean I necessarily mean I want to have sex with them. 

And yes I’ve had a boyfriend but I’ve no interest in having one at the moment. I have no interest in having sex with anyone right now. Not even with myself! I need some semblance of bond, attraction etc. I remember having sex with my ex boy-friend and towards the end of the relationship I wasn’t even remotely sexually aroused. I also had a lot of male hookups but I didn’t really care to have a relationship with them because they were kind of assholes.  

I always thought what is wrong with me but maybe I’m just me. Pansexual, asexual hot mess of a person. lol. I tried dating apps and I can’t say that I found myself attracted to many people. I thought maybe they’re cute but that doesn’t mean I wanted to jump the gun and have sex with random people. There was one I liked but he didn’t like me back enough because he ghosted me. The other one was semi-attractive but in the long run I can’t say that I cared to be a relationship with him either. He was just sort of vanilla and boring. I’m fairly certain I can’t be with another white guy again... unless he’s some sort of other race. For the record my ex was Polish American. I always have this hang up of oh god does he like me? Or am I fulfilling some sort of a weird Latina fetish this white guy has? Meaning does he think I’m girlfriend material or he thinks i’m good enough to fuck and that’s it. Maybe I’ve had bad experiences with white American males but you get my point. It’s just psychologically exhausting to deal with that shit. And I don’t want to deal with that again. At least I knew from my ex that he loved me for who I was at the time we were together. I remember he was my friend before I developed feelings for him. 

It should be noted that I’m generally picky as fuck. Meaning I like what I like. I find dark hair attractive and dark eyes. Generally don’t find blue or green eyes attractive in the least bit or blonde or red hair for that matter. Science says you like people genetically similar. I myself have dark hair and eyes by the way. I generally think some Asian men are hot as fuck. Maybe because I hooked up with a Filipino guy who looked like an Asian Joseph Gordon Levitt but shit when my friend said we looked similar I didn’t see it until she pointed it out. Also I spoke to him long enough to be like oh we have things in common this is cool! Again....bonding. Which also explains why my love language is quality time AND physical touching comes second. 

I had a sort of one night stand but I had already been talking to him for awhile before we hooked up. He dumped me but looking back I didn’t like him in the long run because he came back around and I thought he was needier than I was. I’m needy for the record so there can only be room for one needy-ish in a relationship! In my defense after therapy I am not as needy as before....I can’t say this with certainty for the mere fact that I haven’t been in a serious relationship in a long ass time. Like I don’t even know how long ago that was... maybe 10 years ago? smeh.

As I look back I can’t say I’m into hooking up either. Yes I had a few guys I found sexually attractive but this was only after we bonded on some level. So before you go on thinking I’m a slut or weird....know that I can count all the men I’ve slept with on one hand. Also the idea of dating 2 people at the same time is kind of repulsive to me for some reason. I’m not ruling it out or judging people who do but it’s not my style for sure.

In terms of sexual attraction things I find attractive are arbitrary. Yes I find dark hair and dark eyes attractive, but that doesn’t mean I can’t like a guy with hazel eyes. My ex had hazel eyes and light brown hair btw. Also I know I say I like tall guys but I’ve had sex with guys who are shorter and in no way doesn’t that mean I rule out anyone below 6 feet tall. As long as they are an inch taller than me I’m ok with that. And here is where it gets arbitrary as fuck. I have made out with lesbians who have dark hair and fair skin but I made out with a black trans women. Again I’m not ruling gender expression out. I definitely not interested in dating apps of any kind. I noticed I’m more productive when I’m not in a relationship.

Also I am not interested in getting married or having kids. I know women my age are either dying to get married or are married with kids. I can’t say I’m the type of person that was planning their wedding dress since I was a little girl. Definitely not ruling it out the possibility but, I’m not in a rush to get married by a certain age. In fact, I’d be happy just finding someone who isn’t an asshole and treats me right. It’s funny one of cis-hetero female friends asks me if I”m every having kids and my answer has always been the same. Maybe I haven’t met the right person, but I honestly can’t say I have my biological clock ticking telling me to have a child anytime soon. The idea of having one is daunting af. As a survivor of sexual abuse, all the racist and transphobic/homophobic shit that’s been going on my entire life I can honestly say I think it’s rather sadistic to bring a child into this world. Not to mention the fact that global warming will fuck up the planet and I’m not sure if that’s going to be reversible but rather just extend our quality of life for a few years. People are assholes. I’ve been hurt many times. I’m sure I’ve hurt people too not even meaning to. I have no desire to bring a child into this hell hole we call a planet. 

On a more positive note, I’m perfectly happy being single. When I think of the future potential relationship. I want someone to love me unconditionally. Someone kind, open minded, tolerant of my LGBTQ friends/family, (I can’t be dating no transphobes or homophobes, the only phobia permitted is germophobia!) generous to others (not just myself), thoughtful, humble, attractive by my standards. Mostly someone who will be there for me till one of us dies. Someone who sticks around even when life gets hard. Tall, dark hair, dark eyes. And I know for a fact I can get that. It’s not even the law of attraction it’s just a certainty that I know within myself that I will be with someone of a different ethnic race than mine. I’d also like to have 2 cats and a cute little puppy. Preferably one that looks like a little fuzzy brown stuffed bear. I’d like to have a cute cozy house. I don’t desire a mansion. I need someone who isn’t going to be a little pretentious fuck and is okay with not having the most expensive bullshit because in the long run that doesn’t matter. I know I am a writer and I can live off that eventually. I just need to buckle down and finish my shit which is taking longer than anticipated. I procrastinate writing several things (like this post.hehe) but also I like reading things to make me a better writer. That being said maybe I’m not as weird as I thought I’m just fantastically pansexual, asexual, unique af. Happy Pride month y’all! 

To my LGBT friends and people reading this, I love you and desire that one day we can live in a world where you no longer have to fear for your safety and people will love and respect you for who you are regardless of how you identify or who you are attracted to. I have faith that the younger generation will be more tolerant than past generations. I hope to instill that in my nieces. I remember I used to have a shirt that said “Labels are for jars and you are not a jar.” I don’t remember what happened to it but I can honestly say that always stuck with me. 

Today is my best friends birthday and 8 days ago it was my cousin’s birthday and I can honestly say that I have loved them regardless of what anyone says about them. And I will stand up proudly for them if anyone starts saying transphobic/homophobic shit. I will love them and respect them until the day I die. (Hopefully that won’t be anytime soon). I am blessed to have them both in my life and teach me to be more mindful of what is going on in the world. And an overall better human being. I take the life lessons they teach me with me for the rest of my life and hope that I can be of somewhat comfort to them in knowing that regardless of what happens to us they will never lose that love, appreciation and respect I have for them. 

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what is a food that you’d hate to be allergic to?: Omg SEAFOOD. Can’t live without it. If I was allergic to it I’d be that person who brings tons of antihistamines everywhere I go so I can power through when eating crabs and mussels and shrimp. I just can’t live a life of being forced to watch others eat seafood while I can’t lol.

what color was the last towel you used?: Light blue.

would you prefer to date someone taller, shorter, or the same height as you? Same height or a tad bit taller is fine; I’m not super particular when it comes to height.

when was the last time your nose bled? My nose has never bled before and I dread the day it happens for the first time, because I’m totally unprepared and blood freaks me out and I will highkey probably pass out for a bit hahaha.

how old are you turning this year?: I already turned 22 last April. Considering the circumstances, my birthday had surprisingly gone really well too.

what is your favorite thing to snack on while watching a movie?: French fries from Potato Corner. My go-to bucket size is Mega and I will typically request my order to be 1/2 barbecue and 1/2 cheese fries. I’ll feel super uneasy if I don’t have that exact order when watching a movie at the cinema.

swimming pool or hot tub?: So I had to look up hot tub because I wanted to know how it’s different from a jacuzzi, and holyyyyy crap I’ve learned something new - Jacuzzi is a brand of hot tubs, wtfreak my life has been a lie I thought it was a word!!! Hahaha in any case, I do prefer hot tubs more. I’ve always felt dirty hanging around in swimming pools.

can you swim well? I’m not able to perform any of the strokes like an Olympic athlete, but I can tread well and for a good amount of time.

what body part do you wash first in the shower?: Not really a part of the body per se but I’ve always washed my hair first.

who would you allow to read your thoughts for one day? No thanks, I find that too invasive. 

what kind of first impression do you think you make? Cold and a little aloof, which isn’t too far off from the truth especially if I’m not approached first. If someone does talk to me for the first time, it’ll depend on their body language whether I’ll choose to continue to be reserved, or if I’d want to be bubbly and vibrant around them.

name your last reason for using a camera? My dad honked his horn as he parked in the carport to let us know he was home, and my dog ran up the screen door and sat patiently to wait for him to come inside, his tail wagging the whole time.

where was the last place you fell asleep other than your bed? Sometimes I’ll line up our dining chairs together so it can turn to some sort of bed, and I’ve been falling asleep on that often lately.

what are you excited about? To drink the rest of this milk tea my dad bought me :) He went out to run some errands and I guess he’s been hearing me talk about how I miss having milk tea, so he went out of his way to go to a Chatime and get drinks for me and my sister.

seven days from now, will you be in a relationship? Yes.

are you a happy person? My emotions are always all over the place. I’m never consistently in a certain mood.

when was the last time you laughed really hard & why? I was bored and missing normal life last night so I went through my uploaded photos on Twitter so I can see what I used to do before everything went downhill...and by doing that, I realized that I’m quite good at tweeting HAHAHA most of my captions made me laugh and my content/photos weren’t all that bland or bad either. Idk, this is one instance where I can confidently say that I’m funny hahaha.

what are you wearing? A UP shirt and a pair of shorts.

what do you want? For my college to post the official list of graduating students for this school year so that I can finally partake in the tradition of changing my Facebook DP to my senior photo. I REALLY love how my portrait turned out and I can’t wait for my loved ones to see it.

did you enjoy your weekend? It was okay I guess. My mom was annoyingly cranky throughout Saturday for no reason, but it mellowed out by the next day and that’s good enough for me. Other than that, it was just as uneventful as the last three months have been.

do you regret anything you’ve done recently? Just little stuff that I get over quickly like, “oh I regret making this coffee at 11 PM because it’s now 3 AM and I’m jumpy as fuck.” But no big regrets recently.

is there anybody you wish you could see? For fucking sure. I don’t even have to tell y’all who it is.

have you ever kissed anyone with a name that starts with j or m? Nope. I almost went out with an M, though.

how many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? 2 3/4 lol. I trust Andrew 110%...and I mooooostly trust my dad. Not with every single topic under the sun, but I still trust him a whole lot nonetheless.

do you think you’ll be married in 10 years? I hope I will be by then.

what makes you mad most about girls? Definitely wanna avoid generalizing in this question but the way some girls will fawn over men is super hypocritical and that bugs me to no end. Girls shaming other girls for a range of things is also annoying, whether it’s over wearing too much makeup, not wearing makeup, choosing to abort, physical appearances, their diet, etc. Some really need to mind their own fucking business.

have you ever been given roses? Yes.

do you even like getting flowers? I love receiving stems or bouquets but I’m not obsessed with them in that I wanna get them regularly. Giving me flowers for Valentine’s Day or on our anniversary is more than enough for me.

what’s your favorite flowers? Peonies.

could you go out in public looking like you do now? No. I’d change my shorts.

who’s the first person you texted today? I haven’t texted anyone today.

would you move to another state to be with the person you loved? That’s a toughie...it would depend on the opportunities I have wherever I live in the present, and whether there are better ones where my partner is. I’m young and still building up my career, so realistically I’d wanna look out for myself first instead of clumsily jumping in headfirst for love lol.

how’s the weather today? It’s strangely warm and humid and uncomfortable, which is annoyinggggg. News has said that the wet/rainy season already begun, so I don’t know why the sun is still hanging around and being, again, annoying.

what color are your eyes? Really dark brown, almost black.

do you like poptarts? In my country we only get the same five flavors but my favorite out of all of them is chocolate fudge. I really wish we had a wider selection though :(

where will you be 12 hours frm now? Getting ready for bed most likely.

is it easy for others to make you feel intimidated? No. I’m usually the one who involuntarily makes others feel intimidated, oops.

do you know what you are going to wear tomorrow? Not exactly but it’s definitely gonna be one of the several tops and shorts I’ve just been repeatedly wearing at home since March.

are you on a desktop or laptop? Laptop. I haven’t used a desktop in ages.

does anyone hate you for no reason? I’m sure one or two people do, but I genuinely can’t care less.

what are you planning to do today? Finish my milk tea, maybe take another survey or two, eat the salted egg chips that my dad bought, and, if it cools down later in the day, take a quick nap.

play an instrument? I can play the recorder. I also memorize several songs on the piano, but the key word there is memorize lmao. I just know which keys to press due to watching covers over and over; but I can’t read notes, I don’t know which letters match which keys, have no idea what major and minor is, and I basically know absolutely nothing about using a piano.

would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Just to get closure from certain people or events. If I can go back in time I’d spend more time with my late grandpa, for one.

where did you get the underwear you are wearing right now? I’ve already forgotten.

have you ever kissed someone whose name starts with an r? No. I’m an R though, heh.

have you ever passed out? Yeah numerous times. I’m a big fainter, which just sounds so uncool lmfao.

are you easily confused? Yes I feel lost quite easily. I’m often the butt of my friends’ jokes because of this, but I don’t mind hahaha.

do you think you would make a good wife/husband? I like to think that I would be, but I dunno. I’m still insanely young and I know I’ll be a completely different person with different priorities, mindset, attitude, etc., by the time I get married. It’s too early to tell.

what’s your favorite kind of ice cream? Cookies and cream. Queso real is also a really good flavor and it was my favorite for some time before my taste shifted to cookies and cream.

do you like coffee? Love coffee.

do you like summer? I like it when I get to go to the beach or when my family books trips out of town or the country, but I reeeeeally could do without the hot and sticky weather. It’s definitely not my favorite period of the year.

where were you at 8am this morning? I was asleep for half of it, then by 8:30 I was up and scrolling through Facebook.

do you fall for people easily? No. That is one thing I can’t do as a demisexual haha.

everything happens for a reason? This is usually my mindset, yes. It helps me process and accept circumstances better and much more quickly.

have you ever dated someone more than once? Yup, Gab and I have broken up before.

who have you texted in the last 24 hours? No one. Not really big on texting these days as I’ve been using Messenger to contact people throughout the quarantine.

what color nail polish is on your toes? My toes are never painted.

do you find members of the preferred sex confusing? People of any gender have the potential to be confusing. < This.

what are you listening to right now? Right now all I can hear is the work being done for the new house that’s being constructed in front of ours, so I’ll hear the occasional shoveling of stones and trucks coming in and out of the construction zone. The last music I listened to was the Presto from Summer of Vivaldi’s Four Seasons because Portrait of a Lady on Fire always makes me feel things.

how has the week been? It hasn’t been horrible, I’ll give it that. I’ve been revisiting my old fandoms out of boredom but it’s turned out to be a lot of fun; my mom brought home cupcakes at the start of the week; I had milk tea today; and we just had Kimi groomed this afternoon so his fur is all gone and now he looks like a giant rat.

is there something you wish you could tell someone but can’t? I wish I could have respectful debates with my Duterte- and/or Trump-supporting relatives, but I know that’s impossible.

what are your biggest turn offs? People who: can only hold shallow conversations, are disrespectful to those in the service industry; are casually homophobic, racist, sexist, transphobic, and/or fatphobic; take their religion way too seriously; and neglect their pets.

favorite shirt to wear? My CM Punk Best in the World shirt, without a doubt. I’ve been wearing it semi-regularly for nine years and have absolutely no intention of throwing it out.

favorite drink? Depends on my mood and the occasion. If I’m studying I’d wanna have coffee with me, if I’m casually dining at a restaurant I’d be happy with iced water, etc.

last person to say ‘i love you’ to you? Gab.

would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Yeah, but when that’s gonna happen again I still have no idea...

what’s your favorite color gummy bear? I always find myself reaching for the red ones.

what is the nicest part of the opposite sex’s body? I don’t consistently stare at a certain part of a guy’s body.

have you ever run into a dishwasher? No, those aren’t common here.

ever had a song sung about/for you? Nope.

is there a baby in the room with you right now? No, not technically. But I do consider my pets to be my babies. < Same. Kimi, now a giant rodent, is walking around the living room at the moment but he never strays too far from me.

where do you sing the most, in the car, the shower or other? CAAAAAAAAAR. This is a big reason why I miss driving, I haven’t been able to belt out in a while.

what is your favorite thing that is green? I don’t own a lot of green stuff since it’s my least favorite color...buuuuut I do have a printed flowy dress that I just love to wear, and it’s mostly olive green.

what did your last text message say? It’s an automated text from a vet clinic I went to last December telling me that I should bring Kimi back for a checkup. I appreciate the gesture but I’m not going back there after how condescending the vet was acting towards me.

what is the way to your heart? Acts of service has been my love language for the longest time.

what do you smell like? I smell nothing off of me now but I do know that I don’t smell unpleasant, because if I did I would’ve noticed it immediately and would feel more conscious.

what’s in your pocket? I don’t have any.

anything in your mouth? Not right now but I’ve been sipping milk tea with pearls all afternoon.

ever hurt yourself playing wii? Only after my first day of playing Wii Sports. It was like a workout for my tiny 10 year old body and I woke up all sore the next morning.

do you have freckles? No, not a common feature here.

what’s the last movie you saw in the theater? Knives Out.

ever jumped/fallen/been pushed in a pool with your clothes on? Noooooooooo. I feel like that’s super uncomfortable; I’ve always entered pools with a swimsuit or bikini. My glare is usually enough for people to understand that I wouldn’t appreciate being thrown into a pool while I still had clothes on.

are you wearing any clothes that you wore yesterday? Technically. I took a shower in the evening and changed into the clothes I’m wearing now, but that was in the evening so it’s not like I wore them all day yesterday.

name a song that you know all the words to: Every single Paramore song. Guaranteed.

what’s the last thing you watched on tv? If we’re really going with a physical TV, the last thing I watched was Descendants of the Sun when I used the Netflix app on our TV. The last series I watched in general was Friends.

what can you hear right now? Two fans whirring in the living room.

did you feel better or worse or the same yesterday? I’m slightly better today. I’m glad Kimi has finally been groomed since his fur had knotted up in the last couple of weeks. Plus I also have milk tea today, and that’s always a winner :)))

are you close to your siblings? With my sister, but we treat each other like buddies and are more of the tough-love type. We banter more than anything and we don’t hold heart to heart talks.

do you bite your nails? No we have a nail cutter at home that I use. If I’m going through a period of heightened anxiety I will bite my nails though.

do you like your feet? Uh, I guess. I’m not complaining about them? but I’m also not attracted to feet. Mine are just there and I’m fine with them.

do you sleep well at night? For the most part.

PROFILE ; KRISTOPH GAVIN.

GENERAL.

full name.  kristoph gavin.  pronunciation.  kris-toff gah-vin.  nicknames.  the coolest defense in the west. the coolest killer in the west. kris. (   caution on this one  :  if you call him this and your name isn’t klavier gavin, he’ll go above & beyond to make you miserable. he’ll tolerate it from his brother, but no one else   ) . height. 6′1″-6′2″.  age.  32 years old (   in canon  ;  age is verse dependent.   ) . zodiac. capricorn. languages. german (   mother tongue   )  ;  english (   learned pretty much concurrently with german, and so he’s about equally fluent   )  ;  japanese (   passable. living in aa-universe california necessitates knowing at least a little   ) .

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS.

hair colour.  platinum blonde.  eye colour.  grey-blue. skin tone.  pale, freckles easily.  body type.  lean. he’s tall & broad-shouldered enough to be intimidating if he’s trying, but outside of that, he’s not very physically imposing. he is, apparently, strong enough to kill a man with a wine bottle in one hit, though, so i guess he has to have something of a swing.  accent.  pleasantly transatlantic, tinging on somewhat british. it’s how he learned english, and while he could have easily adopted an american accent after living in california for such a long time, he insists on ‘ speaking properly. ’ (   he’s pretentious.   ) he usually does not speak with a noticeable german accent -- but when stressed, upset, angry, frustrated, flustered, or otherwise not as in-control of his emotions as he usually is, the accent will slip out. he despises this. dominant hand.  right hand. posture.  confident, almost regal. shoulders back, hands clasped behind his back or arms crossed in front of him, chin up, looking down his glasses at you. there may be no crown on his head, but that won’t stop him from holding himself like he’s a king.  scars.  one, along the back of his right hand. can, in the right light, take on the appearance of a rather horrid face when he twitches his hand. despite its peculiar qualities, he doesn’t think about it much anymore. he got it as a child  ;  it’s been there so long it’s no longer notable to him.  tattoos.  none. he thinks they’re rather distasteful.  most noticeable features.  height, long hair, self-assured posture, eyes hidden behind glasses, that scar. 

CHILDHOOD.

place of birth.  berlin, germany.  hometown.   los angeles, california.  birth weight / height.  – manner of birth.  . . . the usual one ? first words.  his parents used to joke that his first word was ‘ cross-examination. ’ this, of course, was only after he got into themis legal, and proved he could be an asset to the family name. kristoph always sort of resented it. and so, he’s not actually ashamed to say his first words were the usual ones. ‘ mama, ’ ‘ papa, ’ ‘ puppy. ’ that sort of thing.  siblings.  klavier gavin (   younger brother   ) .  parents.  oskar gavin (   father   )  ;  emilie gavin (   mother   ) .  parental involvement.  oskar and emilie were minor political figures in germany  ;  they had children more as attempts to maintain a family-friendly image in the face of mounting scandals than they did out of any actual, genuine interest in raising said children. as such, kristoph (   and later, klavier   ) was pretty much handed off to a series of nannies & otherwise left to his own devices. his parents’ actual involvement in raising him was . . . minimal. they died in an accident while he was completing his junior year of college. he played the part of the grieving son perfectly well, but he wasn’t really all that aggrieved about it. (   he always sort of wondered if the accident was an accident or if it was some political move, but to investigate that, he’d have to actually care about what happened to them.   ) 

ADULT LIFE

occupation.  defense attorney.  current residence.  a rather posh high-rise apartment building in los angeles. a rather posh solitary confinement cell.  close friends.  why, his dear friend phoenix wright, of course !  (   hah.   )  partners.  what, legal partners ?  uh, he’s got a student -- oh, you mean romantic partners ?  ugh. pass.  relationship status.  single. not looking. (   verse dependent.   )  financial status.  let’s just say he’s in a very comfortable income bracket. (   --- & how did he get there so fast, what with his parents losing most of their fortune to constant legal battles, leaving him to make money himself ?  best not to ask.   )  driver’s license.  yes. he doesn’t like to drive, though. he’s more the ‘ hire a driver ’ type.  criminal record.  prior to the events of apollo justice ?  clean as clean can be. too clean. suspiciously clean. after ?  one count of evidence forgery, two counts of first-degree murder, one count of attempted murder -- and that’s only what we know of. 

SEX & ROMANCE.

sexual orientation.  bisexual / demisexual. maybe a slight preference for men, but functionally, it doesn’t matter -- he’s very, very demisexual, and it’s extremely rare that he’s actually genuinely attracted to someone. nine out of ten times, if he sleeps with someone, it’s going to have been because doing so conferred some kind of material advantage on him -- i.e., they had something he wanted.  romantic orientation.  biromantic / demiromantic. again, though, it tends not to matter, because it’s so incredibly rare that he feels real attraction of any kind towards someone. if kristoph is romancing you, it usually means he wants something from you.  preferred emotional role.  Submissive | Dominant | Switch |  Unsure preferred sexual role.  Submissive  |  Dominant |  Switch |  Sex repulsed libido. low. unless he actually likes you. then about average ?  turn ons.  if i answer this question, my kristoph muse will physically manifest IN my home and poison me with atroquinine, killing me within fifteen minutes of ingestion. turn offs.  unless he actually likes you, don’t try to make him be genuinely emotionally vulnerable with you. ugh. disgusting.  love language.  in the very rare case he actually likes you, he appreciates them all. however, he especially likes acts of service. he knows better than anyone else that pretty words are often lies  ;  actually going out of your way to assist him with something isn’t so surface-level to him, and is deeply appreciated.  relationship tendencies.  generally, he thinks they’re a waste of time & a potentially dangerous vulnerability. to be avoided. 

MISCELLANEOUS.

character’s theme song(s). i know i put my go-tos (   where i want to be from chess & choke by idkhw   ) on the last meme that asked a question like this, so i’m gonna try to go for some different ones  :  severed by the decemberists (   gonna leave you all severed   ) & nice day by the romanovs (   nice day for a murder !   )  hobbies to pass the time. playing the violin (   & occasionally writing a piece or two   ) , cooking, keeping journals, reading, taking walks (   usually with his dog   ) , shopping (   shush.   ) . mental illnesses. none that are formally diagnosed. he clearly has quite a number of problems going on in that head of his, but he would define them less as problems and more as strengths, so it’s not like he’d seek help.  physical illnesses.  other than being blind as a bat without his glasses, he’s physically healthy.  left or right brained.  left brained.  fears.  nothing at all. failure. being forgotten. being wrong. that he isn’t the best, always & at everything. IT’S OVER, KRISTOPH. YOU’RE NOT NEEDED ANYMORE.  self confidence level.  unreasonably high. you could say he has a bit of a god complex.  vulnerabilities. his academic intelligence and logic may be above & beyond that of your average person, but he never matured emotionally, so he still has the emotional intelligence of a child. his solution to fearing that he might not be perfect was to repress it until he had five black psyche-locks, for god’s sake. and it was his hatred of wright that blinded him to the idea that phoenix might formulate a plan that could stop him -- he saw wright as a naive idiot because of that hatred, and as such underestimated him. his inability to process or even acknowledge his own emotions means that he has no way of telling when his analyses are objective and when they’re tainted by how he feels about them, and his arrogance means he’s convinced they’re all accurate. so, sometimes, no matter how accurate his formula is otherwise, he forgets to factor in emotion -- and he miscalculates. 

Tagged by: @smoulderingsilver (   aaaahhh thank you so much !!   )  Tagging: again, anyone who wants to do this, consider yourself Tagged By Me. 

LGBTQABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

 Gee, I hate being the first one to say this, but it’s Pride month. Wow. How could no one be talking about this? Crazy.

Okay but like, it’s impossible to avoid this stuff, and it probably won’t stop till the end of next month, so might as well dish out some thoughts on everything here. Just thoughts, with no agenda behind them. Gotta make that clear because people tend to go ham with stuff otherwise.

First of all, I’m bi, and basically on the edge of being trans as well. Basically, here’s where I am on that spectrum:

I want to become a girl for fetish purposes. Maybe not entirely that, but it’s close enough to say it. Or, you know, maybe just wanting to get fucked by a dude in a different hole is just what every male-to-female transsexual wants? Apart from that, the only thing stopping me from going through with that is the technology. Basically, what they’ll be doing is giving me a vagina, and that’s pretty much it, unless I want to slap some plastic on my face. It’s not satisfying enough, and considering I’m totally okay with being male, It’s extremely not worth it for me. But, if I woke up one day and by chance I had magically turned into a girl overnight, then I am IN THE MONEY. Sounds dope. Why fondle other peoples’ tits when I can fondle my own?

As for bisexual-ism, I’d have to go far as to say that I’m not just ignoring the concept of pansexuality in lieu of something more familiar (even though that’s kinda-sorta also the reason but not really). I’m actually just not attracted to trans people for some reason. I’m obviously okay with it on a moral standpoint, but like... I just don’t feel it. Maybe it’s just something deep in the back of my mind going like “ehhhh.... something ain’t right here.” What’s weird is that I would DIE for futa girls. Maybe I just like dick and also every womanly part. Who knows.

And, if you’re asking yourself, “why’s this guy bringing up his porn tastes all of a sudden?” then literally WHAT DO YOU THINK SEXUALITY IS? Also thank you kind strawman, for letting me tie this into my main point of how I hope all sexuality will eventually become as pointless and irrelevant to a person’s being as their hair color.

Seriously, sexuality is a sex thing. And as far as I understand it, romantic interest is a different field from sexuality? That’s fair. Some people just want to fuck, others don’t want to fuck. Makes sense, but it kind of ties into one thing I hate about this whole movement: everything’s gotta be a title. Every slight iteration from another thing has it’s own entire label to it. How do you expect people to care about your movement if they have to learn a whole new language to understand what’s going on? It’s kinda the same thing with politics. Instead of saying I’m a “democrat” or whatever, all I want to do is tell you what I believe and go from there, no preconceived notions about things other people with the same title did or said or whatever. Instead of being a “aromantic pansexual,” you could just say “Everyone’s on the table, but I’m not much into dating and all that” and suddenly you as a being become a lot more tangible to other people. Obviously there are worse things people are doing for the cause, but even I’m getting annoyed at some of these extremely specific titles people are using. (I was about to type “demisexual” into that stereotypical example, but I looked it up, and it turns out it’s more on the romantic side of things, I guess? Look it up, it’s literally a “””sexuality””” that applies to most of the population, and yet it needs a label too)

And if you want to make things super specific, you know, to clarify that you’re into literally EVERYONE and not just “”everyone,”” then just realize it doesn’t actually matter to anyone who you’re not considering as a significant other. Like I said, sexuality is a sex thing. You wouldn’t want someone going around saying “Man, I really wish someone would tie me to a table and fuck me with a giant horsecock dildo right about now!” because that’s sex stuff, and we keep that on the DL, as the kids say. Although, I’d have to imagine that people bring it up out of the political-ness of it all, since that’s just how things are nowadays. 

And obviously you got the people who make their sexuality a major part of their person. Everyone knows they suck at this point, no need to beat a dead horse.

Here’s another thing I hate: People who make assumptions on a fictional characters sexuality/gender based on their personality. Like, “Oh, she’s a tomboy? Must be a lesbian.” sort of thing. Believe me, I’m a-go on lesbo porn 100%, but actually seriously assuming a character is gay or something just because of their personality? Isn’t that one of the things we’re trying to avoid? Stereotyping? No? Maybe? It’s even worse when people get angry about other people saying they’re something else, but that ties into my next thing:

When someone sees one person saying/doing something stupid on the internet, and assuming that a tangible amount of people actually do stuff like that. There’s probably a term for it. Like, if you see someone on r/Tumblrinaction or whatever going “It’s okay to rape boys but not girls.” a good number of people would instantly assume even a vaguely noticeable number of people believe that, just because they saw a meme of it online. Then, you get an actually tangible number of people getting angry about the original thing, even though, proportionally speaking, so many more people are angry about it then there are people actually saying/doing the thing. 

Where does it apply here? Well, last I checked there’s like 90K tweets about a so-called “Straight Pride Parade” going on somewhere on planet Earth. Checked the tab, everyone’s exclusively complaining about the concept. No actual news, only people reacting to other people reacting to other people reacting, etc. No, actually, guess what, here’s the news, from good ol’ Twitter Moments themselves: “THREE men in Boston...” THREE. It’s literally a tiny friend group of mindless white guys going “Hey, we should have a pride parade too!” and suddenly the entire internet folds upon them. And now, guess what? Now all the worse straight guys know about it, and feel vindicated to advocate for it, so guess what? You played yoselves.

But, there’s the tie-in to the next thought: What about these “Straight Pride,” “It’s okay to be White,” “It’s okay to be Male” types? You know, people at the top of the charts trying to start the same movements as the people below them. To be honest, I really don’t think these people are worth getting so goddamn uppity about. I mean, assholes aren’t worth getting uppity about in any case, but specifically in this case. The thing about those ideas is that they’re “”””””literally””””””” true and fair, but the thing is that that’s not the issue here. Yes, it’s okay to be white, straight, and male, but like... That’s not the discussion. The whole point of what’s going on is people trying to rise up in the rankings. Some idiots on the internet may want to put the top people below them, but as mentioned 2 ideas ago, that’s not the majority. Reasonable people would only want to put the straight, white, male people below them if they, specifically, individually, are being an asshole about everything. Then, that’s about you as a person, not what you are. 

Back to the Straight Pride Parade specifically, aren’t these “pride parades” supposed to exist to make you feel better about your body and whatnot? If some jackasses feel better about themselves, and do so in a fashion that isn’t harmful to other people, then who cares? I’m assuming it’s not in the spirit of things to go to a normal pride parade and be like “FUCK STRAIGHT PEOPLE” so as long as the straight people don’t do the opposite either, who cares? It’s a net increase of happiness in the world. Sure, they haven’t gone through as many hardships throughout history, but should you really need to go through hardship to get together with other people to feel better about themselves? I hope the answer is no. You know, just because the idea I mentioned 3 ideas ago is bullshit doesn’t mean it doesn’t actually affect people.

Frankly, why can’t we just have a Sexuality Pride Parade, where literally everyone, no matter what, can join in? If unity’s the goal, why not actually be all-inclusive? I mean, like I said, I want to live my life around the idea that sexuality/gender matters as much to any random person as their hair color, but until that becomes the norm at least try and make it fit for everyone to join in. You can’t exactly fix anything if you just keep it all to the people who’d support you anyway because they’re in the same boat. 

Oh and expect me to gush about Pokemon tomorrow, because I most certainly will.

Questions for fun

All about me  1: Full name: Duchess is the only name I give online 2: Age: 30  3: 3 Fears: Men, Pigs, bugs 4: 3 things I love: JJBA, sweet foods, Soda 5: 4 turns on: Intelligence, Common sense, Well Read, Sense of Humor .6: 4 turns off: Arrogance, Rudeness, Drug use, Drinking  7: My best friend: He-man ( My husband), And Wonder Woman (My mother) 8: Sexual orientation: Demisexual 9: My best first date: My first date with He-man, at our local mall 10: How tall am I: Tiny. Three inches over five feet. 11: What do I miss: My grandma. 12: What time were I born: 11 am. Which is weird considering I hate mornings and mostly sleep through them.  13: Favourite color: Blue  14: Do I have a crush: He-Man, Jotaro, Sabretooth, And many other fictional characters.  15: Favourite quote:  16: Favourite place: My sisters house.  17: Favourite food: Tacos  18: Do I use sarcasm: So often that I am always asked if I am serious or not.  19: What am I listening to right now: Motley Crue .20: First thing I notice in new person: Eyes. Height.  21: Shoe size: 9  22: Eye color: Greyish Blue 23: Hair color: Now, light brown, natural Blonde.  24: Favourite style of clothing: Comfy, or punk.  25: Ever done a prank call?: No.  27: Meaning behind my URL: Simply, my name for my blog.  28: Favourite movie: I have many so I’ll just pick one this time and say Boo York, Boo York.  29: Favourite song: True Colors- Cyndi Lauper, My idol.  30: Favourite band: Blondie 31: How I feel right now: Not great.  32: Someone I love: Opal.  33: My current relationship status: Married 34: My relationship with my parents: Great. We all love each other and live together.  35: Favourite holiday: Christmas.  36: Tattoos and piercing i have: 3 tattoos, 3 piercings. 37: Tattoos and piercing i want: I don’t want any more piecings, but many more tattoos.  38: The reason I joined Tumblr: My friend showed it to me, back in like 2009? 39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?: He didn’t love me, like at all, but I was crazy about him for years. I should have the word idiot tattooed on me.  40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?: No.  41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?: Considering it was He-man, yes I did.  42: When did I last hold hands?: Walking with He-man Saturday 43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?: I’ve never timed it. I wake up, Brush my hair ETC. I don’t wear make up and usually just put my hair in a pony tail.  44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?: No.  45: Where am I right now?: My home.  46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?: I don’t drink.  47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?: I do both depending on what mood I am in.  48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?: Yes, and we couldn’t be happier to be together.  49: Am I excited for anything?: No.  50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?: He-man.  51: How often do I wear a fake smile?: Not very often. I’m not the best at hiding my emotions.  52: When was the last time I hugged someone?: Like 30 minutes ago.  53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?: Probably immediately die from a broken heart.  54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?: No. I barley trust anyone. There’s a reason I don’t ever put my photo on the internet, and it is not what people would think it is.  55: What is something I disliked about today?: Everything. But I’m trying to turn a negative into a positive.  56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?: A respectable Pastor, who is not a snake oil salesman like all the ones I’ve met, who I could actually talk to.  57: What do I think about most?: He-man, and Wonder Woman. Also I’m haunted. So that takes up a lot of time.  58: What’s my strangest talent?: I can bend my toes backwards.  59: Do I have any strange phobias?: Pigs. Bugs. Water, all sea life.  60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?: Behind. I refuse to have my photo taken.  61: What was the last lie I told?: I’m okay.  62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?: Neither. Texting or instant messenger.  63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Ghosts, yes I’ve seen them. Aliens, I have no clue, and don’t honestly care. 64: Do I believe in magic?: Certain types of it yes.  65: Do I believe in luck?: YES! And I only say this with such assurance because I have the worst luck in the entire universe.  66: What’s the weather like right now?: Sunny. It’s disgusting. Where is the rain, and dreary days I love so much.  67: What was the last book I’ve read?: Mara Wilson’s book.  68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?: No.  69: Do I have any nicknames?: Yeah.  70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?: I’m having a complete hysterectomy, with removal of the ovaries and tubes so I’m assuming that will be it.  71: Do I spend money or save it?: I don’t have any to do either.  72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge?: The very bottom.  73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me?:Yes 74: Favourite animal?: Swan 75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?: Reading 76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?: Sample.  77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?: Heart of glass- Blondie 78: How can you win my heart?: It belongs to He-man. Sorry. 79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?: Finally Free. 80: What is my favorite word?: Pamplemousse  81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr: I don’t know.  82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?: Love each other. Be kind. Stop all the hatred.  83: Do I have any relatives in jail?: Yes, I also have quite a few that belong there, and have been in and out their whole adult life.  84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?: Flight.  85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?: What do you look like.  86: What is my current desktop picture?: Monster high 87: Had sex?: Yes 88: Bought condoms?: Yes 89: Gotten pregnant?: No 90: Failed a class?: Yes91: Kissed a boy?: Yes 92: Kissed a girl?: Yes 93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?: Maybe? It wasn’t anything romantic.  94: Had job?: Yes .95: Left the house without my wallet?: Yes 96: Bullied someone on the internet?: No.  97: Had sex in public?: No 98: Played on a sports team?: yes 99: Smoked weed?: Yes 100: Did drugs?: No 101: Smoked cigarettes?: Yes 102: Drank alcohol?: I have before, but I really don’t like the taste 103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?: No. I don’t like meat, but there is some certain types that I will eat.  104: Been overweight?: Yes.  105: Been underweight?: no. 106: Been to a wedding?: Yes 107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?: Yes, I’m a writer.  108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?: Yes 109: Been outside my home country?: No 110: Gotten my heart broken?: Yes 111: Been to a professional sports game?: A college basketball game. 112: Broken a bone?: Toes 113: Cut myself?: Yes 114: Been to prom?: Yes 115: Been in airplane?:no 116: Fly by helicopter?: No 117: What concerts have I been to?: I saw ted nugent play at our county fair. 118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?: No 119: Learned another language?:no 120: Wore make up?: Yes 121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?: no 122: Had oral sex?: Yes 123: Dyed my hair?: Oh god yes.  124: Voted in a presidential election?: Yes 125: Rode in an ambulance?: No 126: Had a surgery?: Yes 127: Met someone famous?: Locally famous, yes.  128: Stalked someone on a social network?: No 129: Peed outside?: No 130: Been fishing?: Yes 131: Helped with charity?: Yes 132: Been rejected by a crush?: yes 133: Broken a mirror?: Yes 134: What do I want for birthday?: I already had mine this year.  135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?: None. 136: Was I named after anyone?: My grandmother and my aunt suzi and I all share the same middle name. 137: Do I like my handwriting?: no 138: What was my favourite toy as a child?: Polly pocket and my little pony toys 139: Favourite Tv Show?: Matlock 140: Where do I want to live when older?: Who knows. 141: Play any musical instrument?: No.  142: One of my scars, how did I get it?: I have one scar on my leg from when a dog ripped me open and took out a big hunk.  143: Favourite pizza toping?: Extra Cheese 144: Am I afraid of the dark?: Sometimes. 145: Am I afraid of heights?: Somtimes 146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?: Yup 147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?: Story  of my life yo.  148: What I’m really bad at: Math 149: What my greatest achievments are: A happy Marriage.  150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me: There’s too many of these to pick. I get told something like this every single day of my life.  151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery: pay debt, buy a house.  152: What do I like about myself: I have good hair.  153: My closest Tumblr friend: Taima.  154: Something I fantasise about: Flying.  155: Any question you’d like?: No thank you. �㫲���kS�}

Not your typical love story because a girl woke up and fell in love with a gay sweetheart. It's a tough journey.

I'm a bisexual girl who happens to like girls a lot. I had two ex girlfriends and zero boyfriends in the past though I dated a few guys too. For the past years, some people considered me as lesbian already as my interest in men almost hit the rock bottom while women gets my attention effortlessly. As I get to meet more people and evaluate myself, I kinda realize maybe I'm demisexual or something. It's so easy to be interested with anyone but it's a different story to fall in love with someone.

I have this circle of friends at school called marupokswhom I am badly attached and close to. We go on adventures together, share little secrets, get drunk, sneak out, cry together and I have to say that there is one special person in my circle, let's name him 'K'.

Let's drop the bomb, K is gay. Not the guy looking gay but he is very gay. The moment he speaks, the moment he moves, the moment you hear him, you know he is that gay. So cute.

In our circle, we have bisexual guys too who acts feminine too but I have to say that K is the girliest of them all, maybe even girlier than the other real girls in our squad lol. Still cute.

K and I? We weren't really close. We share jokes — he is witty and very funny — and stories and hang out but we're not that tight. If you leave us together in a room — just us — there might be some awkward silence. You know?

I don't really pay attention to him that much, he was just a normal school friend before though there are times he is there drinking with me and some of our mutuals, he heard my tragic story about my ex girlfriend, he heard the complicated stuffs about me and my love life and my mind bleh. He's a good listener in my opinion, but then one day I woke up and asked myself: He always listen, not just to me but to each of the squad's stories, but did I ever try to listen to him? That's the time I started to notice him.

His eyelashes are so long, his skin glows, it fascinates me to stare at him when he talks. Our squad is composed of about 11 members so it's kinda hard to speak in big groups, some won't pay attention, some gets distracted, some may not even know you're speaking but when he speaks, I try my best to listen. And then I knew a little bit about his story.

He's either sleeping or laughing or smiling. But then behind those happy and sleepy bean, there is another book.

A broken family that he keeps wishing to be complete again. Struggles in life to survive this cruel world. He needed to work while studying to help his family and himself. Jeez. I can't imagine myself being in such situation considering that I am so lazy and my family are well and stable, we never really had financial problems or anything related to that.

I remember what K said, he was like the mother and father to his own family. Masyadong maaga pa but he had no choice. Sucks. Now he works at a fast food chain — Jollibee, my favorite, lol!

You know what's so fascinating about it? He loves his work. I don't think it's just because of the money he earns from it but he is that appreciative kind of person. Maybe he appreciates his colleagues, his manager, the fast food chain itself, the operations, the memories that he learned to naturally love what he is doing. Imagine that? Instead of cursing and going like "Hay nako may duty nanaman ako." He goes like "May duty ako." There's a difference.

I can feel his passion and care for the place he works on. It's amusing and sweet at the same time. He is really appreciative of things — very.

He also do sidelines to earn, that's so diligent of him. I remember him selling coin banks. Ang sipag samantalang ako tamad tamad. Lol! He is also a student council treasurer of our school's organization ACES-PICE. Btw, he won the elections by a super landslide (I'm so proud! He deserves all the votes yessssss!!) He hosts civil engineering events on our school too even without any talent fee — just love. Ain't he the nicest?

Last year, November 2018 we had a ball and he hosted it. He had a co-host and it irked me to hear that there was an instance where a student officer handed a food for his co-host and had nothing for K. Jesus. What the actual fuck? She even asked K to hand the food to his co-host.

Man, I saw all K's efforts for that whole week, for that whole event, he hosted the event without asking for any fee but to treat him like that, like "Wag ka na bigyan ng pagkain, sayang budget."

Where's the appreciation? Where's the consideration.

Ano ba naman yung kahit food nalang oh. Sick. Don't get me wrong but that student officer is a trash. Sorry not sorry. I'm so angry lol.

As a busy officer that night, I still managed to eat at the buffet, K was so occupied with the hosting and the only time he was able to munch something was when I brought my plate backstage and he had a few bites of my food. I hate that I wasn't able to do anything for him that time. Ugh.

After that night, I appreciated him more as a person. I didn't have heavy feelings yet but I barely noticed that the path I was taking was on the way there.

I started with throwing banats and cheesy jokes on him on our group chat. Our friends laugh at us a lot because I am their friend that they can't imagine being with a guy more because I AM THAT INTO GIRLS FOR ALMOST MY WHOLE LIFE and K is so gay that he's like created by the heavens for a guy. Then it went on and on then one day I realized, I really like this person.

I went crazy. I locked myself in a room and evaluated myself and my feelings. Maybe I'm lost? It's just a crush but no it wasn't JUST a crush. I kept it for myself for a while. I never saw it coming — me liking a friend who is gay who is biologically a man. That is like against all my rules and against the norm.

I remained silent. I didn't want to make things awkward but people were right. The more you hide what you feel, the more it demands to manifest.

Then I couldn't take it anymore. I had to tell someone about it and I told one of the marupoks, Abbi, about it (love her). She was startled because as I've said, it was against all my rules and the norm but she is the most understanding and open minded person in our group, she knew how great K is and there is literally nothing not to like about him.

Then I continued to keep all my feelings to myself. Some of the squad started to ask me who am I blushing to, who is my crush but I kept it hidden and when I drop K's name, they won't take it seriously. I thought it was a good coincidence.

I gave him a polo top as a Christmas gift from H&M. I thought of buying it because I remember one time he showed me a polo top from a shop (I forgot) and he looked so amused by it. Hindi naman siya maluho that's why I thought it wouldn't hurt to buy him something he can use and might like, right?

Man, it's been ages since I felt that feeling. You know? Going to a mall and thinking what is a good thing to buy for him? This looks good on him? He might like this. I forgot myself and that's so rare.

My friends think I'm joking whenever I put efforts for K but the truth is I'm actually expressing. I thought maybe K would find it as a joke too because I've been very playful with him ever since but then as days go by, I don't know if I'm getting off guard or if he is just that sensitive to notice. Some of them started to worry about me.

Baka masaktan ka.

'pag ikaw umiyak—

Control control lang.

I always tell them he's just my happy crush but I knew I was in love.

HOW WEIRD IS MY LOVE FOR K?

I knew I was when I thought about rejection but I was ready for the pain he might cause and I wasn't afraid of it. I knew I was in love when I didn't care if he tells me he doesn't feel the same way because the only thing I want is for him to know.

I didn't want him to know because I want to oblige him to love me back or to pressure him to reciprocate what I do, I just wanted him to know that there is someone believing in him, there is someone appreciating him, there is someone out there loving him for who he is because that's what he deserves.

You deserve all the love in the world.

I always tell him.

He said he was so touched when I said it to him the first time but I always wonder why nobody has told him that yet or why isn't there anyone reminding him that? Jesus. He's so wonderful, it hurts.

Ever since I had my heart broken from my first girlfriend, I've been very wary of the people I date and people I get interested to. My walls went so high, I may get interested but when I see one flaw in the person I date, I tend to just choose giving up and stopping everything because I was traumatized by my past. I was destroyed when I gave almost everything to my former love, courted her for half a year even if she was straight. Nabasted for a couple of times but I thought she was worth the struggles, I won her but then she just ended up cheating on me after being with me for two years. I just find it hard to be interested with someone and trust them completely. I was tainted, I had trust issues with everyone thinking they will just all end up hurting me like my ex.

I dated a lot of people but honestly, I haven't felt the strong admiration I had for my ex to anyone until K came along. He was special, even I was surprised.

Akala ko di na ako makakafeel ng ganitong kilig, ganitong devotion and determination for someone. I even wrote a song for him. He inspired me that much.

Man, I have so much words for him. He is perfectly imperfect and I love his assets and flaws — I don't mind seeing more.

We already talked face to face.

He said he thinks I'm out of his league. I'm above him, he said. Then I told him "Eh I'm looking up to you." Hoping he'll realize that I am not in anyway out of his league and he is wonderful, don't he ever dare to put himself down.

He said he doesn't deserve me, I deserve someone better because he's just him. Common line but I know my worth. I know what I deserve but put me out of the picture — YOU are the one who deserve so much more. You're amazing.

He said when he knew that I liked him he was surprised, he couldn't believe it. Then when I started to be vocal and showy about my feelings, he had no choice but to take it in and he confessed that it overwhelms him to have someone to put so much effort on him and he just couldn't help but think of how to return the feelings, efforts and gifts. I told him I don't need him to return all of that, I don't need him to think HOW to reciprocate and return all of it, I just want him to think WHY I do all of those efforts and WHY I give him all those appreciation and surprises. Simple. Because he deserves to be treated that way, he deserves to be loved that way, he deserves to be spoiled that way.

He deserves more and all.

He once smiled with a face of disbelief as if everything he's hearing was surreal, then he asked me bakit ako? Then I laughed because I couldn't believe he had to ask why? Is life that shit to him that he doesn't know how wonderful he is? I replied bakit hindi? He was silenced. I hope he realized his worth, bakit nga ba hindi?

Then I looked at him in the eye and told him how most of the people close to the both of us ask me why do I like him, it's weird, it's unusual but then I told him alam mo kung ano sagot ko? He asked what? I told him: What is not to like about him? What is not to like?

He once told me he is afraid to take risk and he doesn't want to take risk because things might go out of hand and he doesn't wanna hurt anyone or me. I told him it's okay. He can reject me that very moment face to face and I will accept it. I told him I might be even proud na nabasted ako ng isang katulad niya knowing how great he is. I won't be ashamed of it. He is really something to be proud of. Best thing I never had.

I told him not to worry about me. If he doesn't like me back that's okay. I saw it coming already, I was half ready for it. I won't be lying but that shit hurts but what is pain? It heals and when it heals,it leaves scars and scars remind us of lessons.

I'm so enchanted. I'm in the state of wanting him so bad but I won't complain if I won't for as long as he is happy. I don't care if he reciprocates the love or not for as long as I see him smile. My walls are down for him, kahit masaktan okay lang, I'm such a masochist but the pain he is inflicting on me reminds me that I still feel and I still know what love is — thank you for that.

I have no bad words for K. I'll stick to my words. He is wonderful and I know whenever I get hurt because of him, it wasn't his intention. His intentions are pure, I trust him so much that my guards are all down.

I admit it hurts me to think one day he might find someone else but then on a second thought, I won't mind because seeing him happy is at the top of my list — masasaktan lang naman ako for a while pero at least siya forever na masaya if he finds his perfect pair, what's so bad about that?

Nevertheless, after all the talks, I knew the feeling wasn't mutual and that's okay. I told him you can reject me everyday but I won't stop putting efforts for you. Just because he didn't feel the same way for me ibig sabihin he became less wonderful? E he deserves all the love nga 'di ba? Why stop? Just because nasaktan naging hypocrite?

K is worth pursuing, K is worth fighting for.

I think he lost words already and he knew there is no way to change my mind about him so he just told me to just stay and we'll try to get through it without being weird around each other. I agreed. Kinda hard at first but kakayanin dahil yon ang gusto ni crush. I'm just a puppy. Jk.

I told him to just let me appreciate him because I'm happy, if he's in the state just not being ready, I can wait for him but alongside, I promised him that I'll stop when he finds his perfect man — I won't interfere, I'll let go, life goes on. In return, I asked him to promise me to choose the one who will treat him the way he deserves.

NEVER SETTLE FOR LESS, K! YOU DESERVE ALL THE LOVE IN THE WORLD. :)

The King’s Men, Chapter 12 – Highway To Hell

In which things go really beautifully well, and then really fucking horrible.

Sounds good? No, it doesn’t. It’s time for Nicki to read The King’s Men.

You guys warned me about this one, and for the entire first half of the chapter I was like “what are they on about, this is wonderful, there’s so many great things happening”, like I was genuinely considering y’all might have had your chapters mixed up.

And then.

Oh god.

Oh god.

Let’s take it from the top, shall we? Let’s go back to a time where things were easy, chill and beautifully gay.

(Also, welcome to yet another 3k word dump, because this chapter is an absolute monster.)

The Foxes are on the road to Binghamton, their next big opponent before semi-finals. And less than half a page in, the first miracle of the day happens – or rather, the first miracle of the Day:

The monsters voluntarily and easily socialize with the rest of the team, led by none other than Kevin.

Granted, it’s to talk Exy strategies which, as we know, is Recommended Kevin Bait, but my teamwork-loving heart is not gonna complain.

The best thing about this, though, is that Neil actively refuses to join their sweet sweet Sportsball Talk just to make sure Andrew won’t feel left out.

Excuse me while I cry into my rainbow-coloured jersey.

Linked to that – and we’ve not had these in a while, so I’m proud to present you – Today’s Casually Mentioned, Yet Heartbreakingly Sad Neil Fact is:

             Neil had spent his entire life drifting by on the outskirts, looked over and looked past. It’d made him happy, or so he thought, because being ignored meant he was safe. He hadn’t realized how lonely he was until he met the Foxes.

Uhmm, cue my tears.

Kevin, though, isn’t so happy his favourite minion in training isn’t cooperating:

             “You gave me your game. You don’t have the right to walk away from me when I am trying to teach you.”

             “I gave my game to you so we could get to finals,” Neil sent back, “but you said yesterday you don’t expect us to make it there. You’ve given up on us, so I’m taking my game back. I don’t owe you anything.”

Damn, you tell him, Josten.

Neil has exactly -3 fucks left to give and it’s absolutely glorious.

In other news – we’ve reached the end of the Suspicious Countdown (shoutout here to the anon recreating this in my ask box, you sly fuck).

             Every night since his birthday he’d gotten a number texted to him. Today’s sobering “0” had arrived during lunch. Neil didn’t know what to make of it. (…) It was as anticlimactic as it was nerve-wracking.

Same, my boy. This shit is unnerving.

Well, I’m sure this is absolutely harmless and nothing will happen at all.

To distract himself from the Slight Feeling of Impending Doom, Neil engages in his new favourite pastime:

Adoringly gazing at Andrew’s handsome features like a love-sick pathetic idiot.

             Neil didn’t know what he was looking for. Andrew looked as he always had, and Neil knew his face as well as he knew every iteration of his own. Despite that, something seemed different. Maybe it was the sunlight streaming through the window, making Andrew’s pale hair shine brighter and his hazel eyes seemed almost gold. Whatever it was, it was disorienting.

Oh boy, oh my sweet innocent summer child, I can tell you right fucking exactly what it is.

Your ass is the fuck in love.

             “I’m not doing anything,”

             “I told you to not look at me like that.”

             Neil didn’t understand, so he let it slide.

…… //looks into the camera like I’m on the office.

Any time I think this boy is done being oblivious, he instantly goes back on his bullshit.

Although maybe –

             “I didn’t say anything [when we were talking about zombie apocalypses] because I knew I’d look out for only me when the world went to hell. I don’t want to be that kind of person anymore. I want to go back for you.”

Uhmm, EXCUSE ME WHILE I CRY.

Can these idiots like – fucking stop being sappy and gross, I did not expect this bullshit from them, give a girl some fucking warning.

Jesus fuck.

And they keep going, of course – being on the road to Binghamton reminds Neil of his time Being On The Road, and so he casually tells Andrew all the shit that happened to him on his travels, which of course he never told a single soul before.

Natch.

             It passed the time, though, and Andrew let him ramble. He never once took his eyes of Neil’s face or looked like he was mentally tuning out of the conversation.

Oh yeah, also of course Andrew is a love-sick pathetic idiot as well.

Natch.

And Neil uses that to get Andrew to open up about his travels between foster homes and his time with Aaron, which he also never told anyone before.

Fucking natch.

             [Andrew took] care of Aaron’s addictions. He stocked the upstairs bathroom with canned food and barricaded Aaron in there until he had finished withdrawal. Luckily (…) there were no neighbors close enough to hear Aaron’s best attempts at breaking out.

Andrew Minyard, putting the ‘love’ in ‘tough love’ since 2010.

These brothers are everything, haters please exit in a left-directed fashion.

When they make their next pit stop, Coach doesn’t even make any attempts at separating Andrew and Neil, which brings on one of my favourite bits in this chapter:

Neil’s oblivious ass comes to the realization that Coach Knows™.

             “I really want to know when Coach figured this out.”

             “It isn’t a ‘this’,” Andrew reminded him.

Oh yeah, please also know that every time I’m shouting at Neil to stop being so oblivious this of course also extends to his smaller, deadlier counterpart.

             Last November Neil put Andrew’s hands to his damaged skin and asked Andrew to believe in him. Somehow Wymack had seen right through Neil’s crushing guilt and Andrew’s grudging trust.

Well, if I saw two idiots that have been radiating tension all semester anyways suddenly fumbling under each other’s shirts, I would get suspicious too.

             “How did he see it when Aaron and Nicky still can’t?”

             “Coach doesn’t care for rumours and bias,” Andrew said. “He sees what is, not what people want him to see.”

Which is the reason why David Fucking Hufflepuff Dad Wymack is the best damn character in this series, no questions asked, no other opinions accepted. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

I need more Wymack love in this fandom always.

In related news, though – apparently the upperclassmen are betting on Neil’s sexuality, which is just about the best thing ever. Also, heck yeah, I called it.

Apparently, they’re split down the middle. In my book, this means Matt and Allison betting on Gay Neil, while Dan and Renee bet on Straight Neil.

(You’d think Renee would bet on Gay Neil since she’s subject to Andreil Pining every practice break, but nope – you can’t tell me Allison Reynolds, Lipstick Bisexual and Bad Bitch Extraordinaire doesn’t have her gaydar on lock.

I rest my case.)

             “It’s a waste of time and money. They’ll all lose. I’ve said all year I don’t swing and I meant it. Kissing you doesn’t make me look at any of them differently. The only one I’m interested in is you.”

I’mma go fling myself into the fucking sun.

Brutally Honest About His Feelings Josten is a very, very good Josten.

Also, someone finally teach this boy the definition of demisexual, please.

             “Don’t say stupid things.”

             “Stop me,” Neil returned. He buried his hands in Andrew’s hair and tugged him in for a kiss.

Happy to report the gays are back at it again.

Nothing like some fun backseat fondling before a big game, because sooner than thought they’ve arrived at Binghamton and their asses are in for a fun game of Orange Spotsball.

Did I say fun? I mean fucking stressful.

Almost-cards left and right, balls thrown in unholy places, all remaining chill has fucking evaporated.

But as always, when Sportsball Times get tough, there is one thing we can count on:

Andrew’s willingness to do kind of everything if Neil asks nicely.

             “I’m asking you to help us,” Neil said. “Will you?”

             Andrew considered it for a moment. “Not for free.”

             “Anything,” Neil promised, and stepped back to take his place in line again.

             Neil didn’t exactly know what he’d gotten himself into, but he honestly didn’t care, because Andrew delivered exactly what Neil wanted him to.

Which, in this case, means trashtalking every opposite player that comes close to his goal and fiercely fending off Exy balls as if they’re straight thoughts.

HEEEELL YEAH.

Also, I’m totally sure this promise won’t come back to haunt us ever again.

With Andrew kicking some major Bearcat butt in the back and Neil and Kevin fucking shit up in the front as per usual, the Foxes reign home a glorious close win! Celebration all around!

Girl dancing gif

And I’m sure there is exactly nothing at all that can go wrong now.

             Neil was halfway to the door when his phone hummed (…) He didn’t recognize the phone number, but he didn’t have to. He knew that 443 area code.

             Baltimore was calling.

Well, tits.

             “Hello?”

             “Hello, Junior. Do you remember me?”

             Neil’s heart lurched to a sick halt. (…) It was Lola Malcolm, one of his father’s closest people.

LOLA.

I’ve heard that name before. I swear to fuck I’ve heard that name before. Was she mentioned already? Did I just read it somewhere on tumblr? Whatever it is, I know that she’s not fucking fun.

We’re in deep, deep shit, people.

             “Are you listening? It is time to go. If you make this difficult for us, you will regret it for the rest of your very short life.”

Hell fucking no, lady. You can take that dramatic ass attitude and stick it right up your ugly butt.

Neil agrees with me:

             Fast on the heels of fright was an irrational and wild anger. He was halfway of winning Andrew’s trust, a weekend  from his first vacation, and one month from semi-finals. There were only four matches left in championships. Neil was so close to everything he wanted and Lola was here to steal it away.

             “Put a hand on me and you’ll regret it,” Neil said.

HELL YEAH.

Fuck this, fuck all of it, she is not getting us this easily.

We came so close, so close, and we are not here to have this taken away.

             “[Your father] is in Baltimore,” she corrected him. “His parole hearing was on your birthday. (…) We can’t kill [the Foxes], but we can hurt them. You’ll see.” (…)

             Jackson Plank was in the locker room with his team. A second later Romero Malcolm stepped into view in a similar [security guard] getup.

… Maybe we are here to have this taken away.

Hey, remember how literally a few pages earlier Neil said he wouldn’t save the Foxes, only himself, in an apocalypse scenario?

I’d like to call heartfelt bullshit on that.

             The five feet between Neil and his team could have been five thousand miles.  Looking at them all, Neil was as sad as he was proud. (…) He was sorry to leave them with all of his lies, sorry they’d have to get the truth from Kevin after the fact. They were all right here with him still but he missed them with a ferocity that threatened to turn him inside-out.

Also known as: The moment literal tears started to form in the corners of my eyes.

I say “omg I’m crying” a lot, but I very rarely shed actual tears. This was a moment that came close.

The last moment Neil gets to look at his team before being literally kidnapped, the moment he loves them more than ever, ever before, and they all have absolutely no idea what’s about to happen.

And it gets worse.

             Only Andrew saw the strain in Neil’s mask. (…)

             “Thank you,” Neil finally said. He couldn’t say he meant thanks for all of it: the keys, the trust, the honesty, and the kisses. Hopefully Andrew would figure it out eventually. “You were amazing.”

I’m so emotional. I’m so, so goddamn emotional. I can’t handle this.

I feel like this is as close to a love confession as we’re ever gonna get, and I’m not handling anything right now.

Deep breaths, Nicki. Deep breaths.

(Disclaimer: I’m not actually expecting Neil to die in Baltimore. I know this book has five more chapters and I know Nora is not killing off her protagonist, come on. But I am expecting some awful, awful shit to go down, like “way worse than the Raven’s Nest” shit, like “changes the game forever” shit, like just some majorly fucked up shit that I am very much not here for. And so let me treasure those last moments – not because we won’t come back, but because we won’t come back the same way we’re leaving right now.)

And with that, we’re off – kidnapped away in a whirlwind of fan riots outside, handcuffed and chained to the inside of a car, zooming along the highway off to god knows where, and now comes the moment where I understood why y’all were warning me about this chapter.

Aside from beginning to cut up his fucking hand as soon as they get in the car (really, what the fuck is it with this mob and knives), Lola has certain opinions about Neil’s facial tramp stamp.

             “I can’t take you before your father with such a stain on your face. Rome?” (…)

             Soon enough the dashboard cigarette lighter popped free of its lock with a metallic cling.

WHAT THE FUCK.

WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK.

And with that – the bitch burns Neil’s tattoo off.

SHE BURNS.

NEIL’S.

TATTOO.

OFF.

And not enough with that, she also presses her knife into his other cheek so he can’t draw back without literally cutting himself open.

What the absolute everloving shit. I literally sat shellshocked for a good ten seconds that that.

But oh, my friends, it gets worse – because apparently they also gotta question Neil about the whereabouts of his dear mom, and “she’s dead” of course isn’t a satisfying answer.

And when they’re done with his mom, they move on to questions about the Foxes.

And when they’re done with his face, they move on to his arms.

I will never, never be able to look at a car cigarette lighter the same way again.

             He didn’t want to think about this, didn’t want to feel this, so he thought about thr Foxes instead. He clung tight to the memory of their unhesitating friendship and their smiles. (…) The memories made him weak with grief and loss, but they made him stronger, too. He’d come to the Foxhole Court every inch a lie, but his friends made him into someone real.

More wet eyes. Such wet fucking eyes over here right now.

I’M NOT HANDLING THIS.

STOP IT.

             He’d hit the end of his rope before he wanted to and he hadn’t accomplished everything he’d hoped to this year, but he had done more with his life than he’d ever thought possible. That had to be enough. He traced the outline of a key into his bloody, burnt palm with a shaky finger, closed his eyes, and wished Neil Josten goodbye.

Oh my god.

             Nathaniel Wesninski let the last few miles fly by unnoticed.

OH MY GOD.

This is both super painful and super genius and I am FUCKING SHOOK.

STRONG YELLING, YOU GUYS.

             The worst injuries were the ones on his face, but the mess Lola made of his hands was the most inconvenient. It’d be hard to fight back when even the slightest twitch of his fingers made his hands ache.

Oh yeah, also by now we’re back to being Human Punching Bag Neil Josten.

Well. It’s rather Human Punching Bag Nathaniel Wesninski now, right?

             Nathaniel closed his eyes against the pitch black that threatened to swallow him whole. Lola smiled against his cheek and bit at his burns.

Y’all for real what the fuck is wrong with this woman.

Petition for her to decease right this very second, thank you.

And after that, Lola chloroforms him and drags him into to the house of his father, a literal Abusive People-Butchering Mob Head.

You guys. You guys. We’re in completely new uncharted waters now, and I have no idea what the hell is about to happen.

I both don’t want this to continue and really, really can’t fucking wait for this to continue.

If you like what I do here and you want to help me through the heartbreak of this chapter, why not buy me a coffee? Every lil bit helps, getting me through uni and all that jazz. Thanks so much!