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areislol · 5 months

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"would you kiss me for $10 or the hottest person in the world for $1000?"

ft— blade, gepard, dan heng, jing yuan, luocha, welt, sampo, luka, argenti, dr. ratio

warning — none, just fluff! might be ooc, established relationship, gn! reader, no yanqing for this ;( mentions of kissing, might be cringe..? chinese names are simplified. not proofread.

a/n— y'all i apologize if they're ooc (can't justify it i haven't even played hsr yet) so yes. ENJOY as this is my second time writing for 'em

wordcount. 4.2k

刃 blade

✧ .... he knew it was one of those.. silly media questions that couples do to one another. and he hates you for actually doing them (not really he loves you too much)

✧ he continued to stay silent as he sat on the bench, watching as you sat beside him—anticipating for his response that will decide whether or not he will sleep on the couch or not.

✧ "ugh you big bum just answer the question!!" you groan, slumping down on the bench.

✧ blade cocks his head and raises his brow, smirking at you. "you mean the complex question that will probably lead you unhappy if i don't say the answer you were hoping for and then not talk to me for the next couple of hours as you're petty and—"

✧ you quickly shut him up with your palm over his mouth, you were now mad at him for being too god damn right. warmth spread to your cheeks as you stared at him, completely flustered.

✧ "you better shut that mouth of yours baldie." you threaten, still keeping your palm over his mouth when you felt the icky, wet and textured feeling gliding across your palm, it was his tongue.

✧ wasting no time you pulled your hand back and stared at your palm before vigorously wiping it on your shirt, absolutely disgusted. "ewwww!! and you still haven't answered my question!!" you pout.

✧ blade huffs (he's very sassy), "yeah not after calling me baldie. i'm not even bald." he was so serious about it, it was very amusing to you.

✧ you pout even more, scooching closer to him. "okay i'm sorry for calling you baldie.. and yes you aren't bald. now will you please answer my question?!" blade continues to glare at you, thinking about his answer. well, he was only pretending to anyway.

✧ he already knew his answer the second the question slipped out of your mouth, obviously, kiss you for $10 (credits). even if it was for $1000 he could easily get that amount of money in a day and plus, you are the most hottest person in the entire universe.

✧ but he decided to tease you, he put on his thinking face, tapping his finger on his chin. "hm... i really don't know it's so hard to choose..." he hums, looking down at your face as he smirks in amusement at your silly little mad face.

✧ "so hard? SO HARD FOR WHAT????" you asked, leaning in closer. oh you were for sure getting irritated now.

✧ blade chuckles before engulfing you in a tight hug as you sat on his lap, face buried in his chest. "of course kiss you for $10, i don't need $1000 anyway."

✧ "what about the pretty part?" "you are the hottest of them all, y/n."

✧ you hummed in content, happy with his answer before speaking again. "see, it wasn't a trick question at all." blade rolls his eyes. "uh huh... so you weren't going to quote-on-quote, 'ground' me if i said the wrong answer?"

✧ "....no...."

✧ (btw he was still a lil hurt when you called him baldie. like wow, it really hit him deep)

杰帕德 gepard

✧ the second you asked him the question he did not hesitate and answered within 1 billion light speed.

✧ "you of course! i don't want to a random stranger who i don't know for $1000, i don't need that money when i have you."

✧ "oh— gepard—" yeah, you almost burst into tears at his answer. it was so geniune, sweet and adorable. even his face said it all!! he looked at you with such sincere eyes as he told you his reply!!

✧ gepard almost freaked out thinking he said the wrong thing when he saw the tears welling up in your eyes, he immediately held onto your shoulders, apologizing if he did anything wrong.

✧ you shake your head no and wipe away your tears dramatically, "n—no i'm fine gepard i'm just— i didn't expect you to say your answer so quickly! when i saw other couples doing it the other person is always hesitating or something."

✧ gepard is confused, was this a test or something? (poor baby doesn't know) and so you have to explain to him what the trend is all about and all that jazz.

✧ he doesn't think that it's a bad trend or anything, if anything he encourages you to ask him more questions!! anything you ask, he will reply asap 100%!!

✧ and so you asked more questions.

✧ "you don't care about the money gepard? that's a lot though, $1000!" you exclaim, gepard shakes his head and smiles, "i already said why i don't need that money, love, i don't need the money when i have you, you're priceless."

✧ EUGHHHHHHHHH HE JUST HAS TO HIT YOU WITH THAT. you smiled back and gave him a kiss on his cheek before backing away. "that's so sweet of you... okay next question, who is the hottestperson in the world?"

✧ gepard only stares into your eyes, mesmerized by your face, his eyes are trained on you and only you as his thumb caresses your cheek. "you, of course, you're the most hottest.. although i'd rather use prettiest instead, you are the most prettiest and amazing person in the entire universe."

✧ safe to say his face was peppered with kisses after that, not that he minds it.

丹恒 dan heng

✧ "what kind of question is that?" is the first thing he says, looking at you in confusion as he closes the book he was reading.

✧ you had just entered his room, phone in hand before asking him the question out of the blue so he assumed you saw something from the media which now... lead to this.

✧ you shrug, going back to your question. "don't be trying to change the topic, what would you do? kiss me for $10 or kiss the hottest person in the world for $1000?" you repeated, your brows furrowing. to dan heng, it was crazy scary how you looked right now, so desperate for his answer.

✧ "well obviously the hottest person in the world for $1000, that' so much money!" he replied, knowing what this was going to lead him to. "......so... you would kiss the most hottest person in the world for more money?"

✧ dan heng cringes as he nods his head slowly. your eyes narrowed as you began to glare at him, soon, you stormed out of his room, pissed, and with a right as well.

✧ dan heng sighs in defeat before getting up from his seat and following you to where you always went when you were mad, to the kitchen.

✧ and he was right, you were in the kitchen just snacking on food you just bought the day before, when you spotted him you turned around, your back facing him. "baby c'mon im sorry i was just joking.."

✧ hearing him call you "baby" did something to you but you didn't want to give in just yet. you were mad at him still. you pout (not like he can see you but still) and continue to munch on your food angrily.

✧ "i didn't mean to, i promise i was just joking. i would much rather kiss you for $100 i pinky swear." .... "pinky swear?" "pinky swear."

✧ safe to say you accepted his apology as he absolutely peppered your face with millions of kisses before engulfing you in his arms.

✧ "you're ridiculous..." dan heng sighs, resting his eyes. "yeah well you love me so" well, he can't deny that.

景元 jing yuan

✧ jing yuan is definenetly doing the mathematical calculations in his head right now. because what in tarnation are you talking about?!

✧ he stares at you like you're crazy for a second before sighing, looking down and closing his eyes shut (he reminded you a lot like a disappointed dad...)

✧ "what do you mean? why are you asking me this out of the blue..." for one, he is a tad bit afraid that if he says the wrong thing you will sentence him to three (3) days to sleep on the couch, yeah, you banish him from your SHARED bedroom multiple times when he said the "wrong thing".

✧ you repeat your question again, waiting for his answer. "what a silly question, i would kiss you of course, with or without the $10." he breathed, planting a kiss on your forehead before pulling away and smirking, he knew that that was what you wanted to hear and the kiss was the cherry on top.

✧ for a few seconds you just sat there, too flustered to do anything. YES YOU KNEW IT WAS JUST A FOREHEAD KISS BUT IT'S JING YUAN OKAY

✧ "hm? is something the matter, my love?" he questions, leaning in closer to your face, he was much more taller than you (obviously) so he was quite literally towering over you, his face was so close to yours.

✧ you shake your head before going in for a small and chaste kiss and closing your eyes, you can feel the smile on his lips as he pulls you closer to him by your waist and deepens the kiss. your brain was starting to get fuzzy as you felt more and more delirious. jing yuan just knew how to make you fold.

✧ "hey! this isn't an excuse to make out with me you know?" you pull away breathless, looking quite dazed just for this "simple" kiss. jing yuan hums, resting his head on your shoulder before speaking up.

✧ "you know you love it." at his words you sigh and shake your head, "well i can't deny that..." you reply with a smile as you run your fingers through his soft hair.

✧ a few minutes go by in silence, you assume that jing yuan was asleep by how calm and quite he was, when the silence was broken. "does this mean i can sleep in our shared bedroom?"

✧ your brows furrowed at his words, was that all he was thinking about? "mmmmmmm now that you mentioned it..." "no." you chuckled, patting his head. "i know i know, yes, you get to sleep in our shared bedroom."

罗刹 luocha

✧ "what an odd question.." luocha replies, observing your very serious face. he found it amusing how you looked so serious after asking such a silly question.

✧ you whine and shake his arm, "just answer the question luocha it is very serious!! i need to know your answer!!" .... okay yes apparently it was very serious as you literally called him by his name and not some cute nickname.

✧ luocha offers you a soft and tender smile, the one he always does every time he spots you and or is with you (it never fails to make you swoon), "of course you, i don't need the money when i have you, are you doubting something my dear?"

✧ you shake your head at his words, happy with his answer. "no, everything's fine don't worry! thanks lychee." luocha then engulfs you in a hug all of the sudden, the scent of flowers filled your nose as his hair tickled your face.

✧ "your hair's in my face babe—" you mumble, moving the strands of hair off your face. luocha quickly apologized before pulling away, he cups your cheeks and stares deep into your eyes, which confused you.

✧ luocha continues to stare at you for a good hot minute, he was thinking about something. "say, did anything happen to you that prompted you to ask me that question? did someone do something? did i do something wrong?"

✧ he's so cute. anyway, you shake your head. "no, why?" luocha sighs in relief before taking his hands off your cheeks. "i don't know i assumed something happened that made you question me with that.. question. thank the lord i didn't do anything."

✧ kissing his cheek, you sighed dramatically, "well actually something did happen.. a certain somebody hasn't given me any attention for the past couple of hours"

✧ luocha playfully rolls his eyes, "my fault, princess/prince" and that's how he ended up peppering and littering you with kisses all over your face and no, you couldn't escape him even if you wanted to.

瓦尔特 welt

✧ if you keep asking him such questions he's only going to age more, physically, you're going to give him too many wrinkles if you keep on making him furrow his brows and frown.

✧ all you can hear is him heaving a great big sigh as he sets his mug down on the table, staring down at you. "the hottest person in the world?" he asks, you nod your head while smiling, you somewhat knew his answer already.

✧ "well it's you of course." he replied without any hesitation, you hummed and gave him a peck on his cheek. "right answer."

✧ "but why $10 only? you're worth more than that you know." he added, you only shrugged your shoulder. "i don't know it's what the text says" "the text?" "yeah, look!" you held your phone up and pointed at the screen where there was a couple, one of the partner asked a question—the same one you asked him.

✧ the other partner states that they would kiss the most hottest person in the world for $1000, it then showed a clip of the person sleeping on the couch. the answer was easy really, welt didn't understand how bad one person can mess something up.

✧ "well he was stupid, answer was easy." you agreed and put your phone away. "simple right? i knew you would say the right thing" you continued, welt only smiles in pride. "of course, i know what you want to hear, but i hope you know i would never kiss a random person, even if they were the hottest."

✧ your heart melts as he speaks, his words really sinking into you. "awwhh welt~" next thing he knows you're absolutely hugging the shit out of him (and rubbing your face in his chest), not that he minds.

桑博 sampo

✧ "well would you kiss me for $10 or kiss the hottest person in the world for $1000?" sampo repeated your own question back in a somewhat sassy tone. you were a bit shocked to say the least, i mean, how dare he not answer your question but answer your question with the same exact question!! (same energy ykyk)

✧ but obviously, you're used to his antics as you roll your eyes playfully, closing your phone. "seriously, shampoo. answer the question." "woah woah—shampoo? i said to call me anything but that!" he whines as he uses his hands to talk (as usual), very much exaggerating everything.

✧ you shrug your shoulders with an unamused "hmph" and don't reply any futhur. sampo dramatically sighs in defeat. "but babes, if you really think about it $1000 is a lot of money.." you raise your brow at his answer. "you're only thinking about the money?"

✧ sampo shakes his head, he grabs a hold of your hands while looking at you so sincerely it kind of scared you as he was always so... non-serious. "no, of course not. but just think about all the things i can buy for you...and me...food, flowers, more food, clothes and so much more! wouldn't you want all of that?"

✧ you think about it for a second and replied, "well although those are nice, wouldn't you much rather kiss me instead for $10? we can.. still buy something with $10, plus my kiss is unlike any other!"

✧ "yeah, i know." sampo snickers, upon his reply you narrow your eyes at him, your unamused face screamed "what do you mean by that?" in a menacing type of way. sampo quickly clears his throat before you could get any ideas (you had already gotten a few).

✧ "what i'm tryna say is that yes, i would rather kiss you for $10 but.. i think—" you immediately cut him off with a solemn face. "sh. i don't want to hear anymore of you." sampo can see that you're visibly upset at his answer. shit. he didn't mean to say the wrong thing.

✧ his grip on your hand tightened as he moved in closer to you. "no, wait babe i didn't mean that. i was just playin' i promise i would rather kiss you, your kisses are a one in a billion and i really don't care about the money and—" once again, you cut him off, but for a good reason this time.

✧ you giggle softly and shush him up with your index finger pressed up against his soft lips. "i know what you mean sampo, don't go on a big rant now you aren't in trouble." a clear sigh could be heard from sampo. "thank the stars.."

✧ " but babe! you haven't even answered my question." you gawk at sampo. "... oh well..."

✧ and now it was your turn to tease him, be prepared for a pestering and probing sampo!

卢卡 luka

✧ luka is quite stunned at first because for one, the question was out of nowhere, and two, WHAT DID HE DO THAT MADE YOU QUESTION HIM (you have a habit of asking him random questions out of nowhere)

✧ "did i do something wrong?!" is the first thing he says, he says it like it's urgent it caught you off-guard. you shake your head no and chuckle. "no, why? it's just a question don't worry."

✧ as you both were beside each other, sitting down on your couch, luka leans in closer to you where his nose is just barely touching yours. "well.." he whispers before giving you a long and tender kiss on your lips, it was soft and delicate, it wasn't intense or hot—just simple.

✧ "you, obviously." he begins as he pulled away slowly, his deep, sparkling blue eyes staring down at yours so softly and genuinely. "plus in my eyes you're the most prettiest person in the entire world, actually—no, in the universe!" the way he beamed at you as he spoke his words made your heart flutter. he was so sweet.

✧ luka's sweetness and innocence of a child (not quite literally) never failed to make you tear up, his charisma and optimistic personality pulled you in. but back to the moment. "awww luka you're too sweet ☹️" your cute lil pout made luka's head jump out of his chest and right back in, you were all too adorable.

✧ "oh you know it's nothing.. just stating the facts!" he chuckles, wrapping an arm around your neck and pulling you closer to him where your hips touched each other.

✧ luka rested his head on top of yours, his chest heaving up and down calmly. "wait, so you would kiss me even if you only got $10 other than $1000?" you asked, not bothering to move your body to face him.

✧ "yup! i would still kiss you for free too, money or not. if you still don't believe me.." luka lifted his head off yours as he faced you, you mirrored his actions and turned to face him. "hm?"

✧ luka began to kiss your face, first your cheeks, then it was your nose, then your forehead and finally, you're lips. this time he pressed his lips onto yours for longer as he used his left hand to cup your cheek. everything about this moment was wonderful.

✧ when he finally lets go, you both are left breathless and yet still yearning for more. "do you believe me now?"

银枝 argenti

✧ argenti is quick with his response, catching you off-guard. he was just standing out in the public (well more like posing to you and other people as he always looks like he's a model posing for his pictures) when you came running to him with your phone in hand, looking quite excited. which got him excited as well.

✧ but despite the silliness of the question he quickly answers your question with no hesitation. "why, you of course. i would kiss you any day, anytime and anywhere." he spoke with such sincerity and calmness it instantly made you fold. his soft and luminous grey eyes boring into yours.

✧ argenti moves in closer to you where his chest is looming over you. but even if he was taller than you, you were quite used to him doing that so you weren't afraid at all. "why do you ask?" you shake your head and smile up at him, happy with his answer. "nothing special!!"

✧ argenti stays silent for a couple of seconds before cupping your cheeks with his hands, your hands reaching to hold his with yours, the cold, hard metallic texture. you stare up at him, confused, but don't speak. you wait for him to do whatever he needed to do.

✧ before you knew it he had leaned down, his lips barely touching yours, his hooded eyes staring down at your lips. a kiss. his lips were so warm and soft, they did not part whatsoever, it was just soft, slow, gentle and sensual kiss. his lips were softly pressed against yours for a good hot second when he gradually pulled away, the tingling and exciting sensation still lingered on your lips.

✧ when both of your lips parted, it seemed like you two had forgotten that you were out in public, unaware of the many stares that were coming your way (i mean can you blame them? they are witnessing a very gorgeous couple passionately kissing. but not in that way.)

✧ after argenti pulled away and observed your face for any signs of discomfort the corners of his lips began to pull up after seeing you smile shyly. you were so adorable. "and that would be $1010." he whispered, gently pinching your cheeks.

✧ a cheerful and tender grin grows on your face at his words. but before you could utter a word or sound your eyes land upon a rose being held right in front of you by argenti. his signature rose.

✧ "a freshly picked flower for you, my rose." he breathed, his other hand pressed against his chest as he slightly bows. what a gentlemen he is. you smile in embarrassment before gratefully take his flower and slightly bowing before thanking him and smelling the rose. "thank you so much! it's breathtaking...."

✧ "just like you."

真理医生 dr. ratio

✧ "be completely and utterly serious with me with me right now." you added, using big words to really make him think about it. not like he ever does (he's always thinking logically).

✧ ratio sighs, yes, he gave you that sigh. "what? don't give me that sigh. just tell me your answer and then go on with your life again!" you said, doing your sigh this time. ratio is clearly and visibly thinking about his answer.

✧ "wow. are you really thinking about your answer?" you spoke, raising your brow in complete confusion. ratio shoots you a stare and shakes his head. "yes, really, but the answer is simple, you." although his answer was what you wanted to hear you wanted to know why. i mean, he was your boyfriend after all but still.

✧ "i thought you said you would let me go on with my life after answering your non-sensical question." he replied bluntly, cocking his head to the side. you mumbler under your breath as he was right. "yes well just one more thing, please?" and of course, he could never say no to you.

✧ "simply because i love you. i don't need to kiss anybody, especially a random stranger that is quote-on-quote, extremely attractive, for $1000 or more. even if somebody offered me a million i wouldn't take it, simply because they are not you. your kisses are different and have a different feel compared to theirs. and i am 100% positive that their lips are probably not the best unlike yours. not only that but it would be completely unreal for me to meet someone extremely attractive in the world as nobody is. but to me, you are the most wonderful and amazing person i have ever met. and not only that but—"

✧ you roll your eyes playfully before shushing him up with a finger pressed up against his lips. "okay okay i get it smarty pants" you giggled, removing your finger from his lips. ratio only grinned upon your words.

✧ "hm, well that's a good response. you're the best!" you beamed before kissing his temple and pulling away, heat rushing to your cheeks.

✧ as you were about to walk away you stopped in your tracks, causing him to stop what he was doing and looking your way. you turned around, facing him. "did you mean everything you said?" you questioned softly. the corners of ratio's lips curled up. "of course, i promise."

note: if you would like to be added to the honkai star rail taglist pls just ask me!! dont be shy

taglist 🏷️ : @sanestlyneyfan @akhiran @elenasstxarr @irantoyouwithoutthinking @stygianoir (if i forgot to tag you i apologize! dm me/send an ask to be in the taglist if you want.

liking + following + reblogs are very much appreciated!!

another note: second hsr post YAY I HOPE Y'ALL ENJOY THIS

#hsr x reader #honkai star rail x reader #blade x reader #dan heng x reader #jing yuan x reader #gepard x reader #luocha x reader #welt x reader #sampo x reader #luka x reader #argenti x reader #dr ratio x reader #honkai star rail x you #hsr x you #—✧ · . fandom: honkai star rail

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creatingblackcharacters · 2 months

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Lesson 1: "White Man Painted Black"?

Okay, I recognize that this is a strong foot to step off on! But! If you learn nothing else from this series, if you decide for whatever reason to forsake me: this is the ONE perspective I'd like you to take away!

You may have heard this quote before, when Black fans deride a character design as 'a white man with the brown bucket tool'. On its face, it means exactly what was said. But specifically, what it means is that we recognize that whomever designed the character drew the way they normally draw for a 'default' character in their mind- default usually meaning White/Eurocentric features- and they added a shade of brown within the line art to make that character now 'Black'.

Now if you're feeling defensive, wait just a moment! This discomfort is not inherently a bad thing!

I'm going to use both a 'real world' example first, to show you what your Black fans and peers are seeing, and perhaps you will also understand our discomfort!

(if anyone was curious, my folder for this lesson is titled 'brad' lmao and you'll see why)

(I'll have y'all know that I actually worked very hard to make Blackface Brad look mildly presentable lmao I'm sorry, I'm wheezing, I can hardly breathe looking at him 🤣)

You see how, despite knowing where this was going, and using one of the darkest shades of brown in my Skin Tones arsenal, you still know that that's Brad Pitt? That nothing about his hair texture, his lips, his nose, or really anything other than the palette change... changed? And you can still see that?

It's incredibly hurtful to be told that that's supposed to be you. You know it's not, you know why it's not, but rather than hearing how it makes you feel unseen and what they could do to be better (since they wanted to draw a Black character!), the artist lashes out at you.

And as an artist, you might have worked VERY HARD to do this! That might be a real handsome guy you drew!! But... is he really Black? Did you walk into it with the intention, that you were drawing a Black Character, or did you draw a character that just happened to be Black? It seems like a silly thing, but it matters!

Okay. I just finished laughing over Brad. Now let's get into some more perspective changes:

Now, imagine you drew a character. You want to make her Black, so you change the hair and skin colors. All right! You have your Black character... right?

Changed ONE feature about her? (You should obviously change more than one feature, but let's just go with the simplified example.)

What if, instead of just changing her palette, we changed her:

Hair?

There isn't nearly enough time in the world, let alone in this little scribble and blurb, for me to describe the IMPORTANCE of Black hair in Black character design. There are so many ways to do curls, afros, braids, twists, locs, SO MANY HAIRSTYLES!! Get used to searching in the 3C-4C hair textures!!!! I plan on doing an entire lesson or two on hair alone, but suffice it to say, Hair Texture is thee BIGGEST giveaway that you 'painted a white person Black'- from cartoon styles to realistic! It reveals itself in your writing as well- just based on how your character takes care of their hair, how your describe the texture, how other people might perceive it... it lets me know just how much research was done. Because we can have straight hair! But again, that's a conversation for a whole 'nother lesson so- come back later 👀?

Lips?

I love our lips, I really do. There's a long history of shaming Black women in particular for the way our lips look. So when I see them done in all their glory, it makes me very happy. Two-toned lips vary in shade and intensity, so make sure you're using references if you want to be 'realistic', but it doesn't have to be that hard. Even a little subtle shift like this in the design/story description lets me know that a creator was thinking about me.

Nose?

One thing I've noticed ever since I starting drawing is that... people in a lot of mangas/manhwas barely have noses! I admit, out of all the features on the face, the nose isn't the most important. I think they should be, especially when you want to emphasize that your characters look different! People have different types of noses! I especially want to gear this towards those with a goal of drawing realistic portraits and the like- there, the nose is ANOTHER dead giveaway. There are Black people with aquiline and straight noses- we aren't a monolith- but is that why you drew it? Consider why you went for that nose specifically. That's part of the intent, in all this!

Now, you might be looking at me and going "Ice... this is just character design". To which my answer is: Yes! It is! It feels so basic, and yet if you ask your Black friends/peers how often they've come across this feeling of not being properly drawn/written, from fanart to professionally produced works, it's unfortunately common despite how simple of a concept it is.

I hope that you can walk away from my first lil lesson with new eyes. Remember, it's the thought that counts, but the action that delivers!

#creatingblackcharacters #black characters #black artists #black writers #black art #character design

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diluc33rpm · 2 years

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What fundamentally matters to you?

#all memes aside i uh. actually think this one kinda hits the nail on the head #is it 10 in the morning? yeah. am i gonna go on an existential rant anyway? yeah here goes nothing #i find it kinda strange to put specific trappings around like... the concept of What Matters because #and i know this is going to sound so ingloriously cheesy and horrible #at least to me everything does?#not so much in a way that “i’m constantly trying to absorb everything that’s going on in the world at once and getting burned out”#but in a way that like while i understand where the thoughts of “we’re all going to die anyway so nothing matters” are coming from imo #it’s like doesn’t that mean it’s the exact opposite? isn’t this it then? if there’s nothing coming afterwards in either case #isn’t this life the only thing that matters?#since it’s not like there’s anything else you need to do right #you’re here now and this is the only time you ever will be here. guess that can be taken for the better or for worse #but for me whichever it is it simplifies things a little #and personally i’m gonna go like... sit down and have an orange soda or something honestly #i don’t claim to understand shit i’m just here to try and help make things a little better on this space rock while i’m around #even if there’s always SOMETHING getting worse. even if idk where else to put myself. compassion’s kinda just what ya keep coming back to #cause ultimately i like being but i know for a lot of people it’s less than - so hell if there’s anything i can do to make it easier #that’s something worth working for #we’re all in this circus together anyway 🤷‍♀️ might as well clean up the shit #to sum up with a fucking bnha chapter title of all things “living” really just feels like a synonym for “What I Can Do For Now”

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videovamptramp · 7 months

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i would do anything for you to love me

(song: american hero - rainbow kitten surprises // natasha x fem reader)

summary - you have an obvious crush on natasha, and consistently do little things that prove so. though, she’s a grump who doesn’t know how to respond to your advances. this ultimately leads to her hurting your feelings.

warnings: mean nat, grumpy natasha, y/n is too sweet for her own good. a bit angsty but fluffy ending

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“hey nat!” you exclaim, and natasha nearly drops her coffee mug due to the sound of your high pitched voice. natasha turns to glare at you, “how many times do i have to tell you not to call me that?" she snaps, and your shoulders deflate a bit. “sorry, natasha! i just wanted to see if you were alright. you came back from that mission yesterday and you didn’t even have dinner...” you say, and natasha turns her head to keep her back towards you. “i’m fine.” it was an obvious lie, but natasha didn’t know that you knew that.

you merely nod, “okay, nat— natasha. i just brought you some of those banana and nutella crepe’s you like from that place downtown. here.” you reveal, as you place the to-go box on the counter that the redhead was leaning on. “thanks.” natasha mutters, and you smile widely at the small moment of politeness. natasha turns her head to see you smiling like an idiot, and her scowl returns as something unwanted in her stomach flutters. “is that all you wanted?” natasha asks a bit harshly, and your smile falters. “oh, yeah! sorry! i’ll leave you alone now!” you promise as you scurry away, leaving natasha alone. at least she thought she was alone.

“god, you’re such a cunt.” yelena murmurs, half asleep as she walks into the kitchen of the compound. natasha glares at her younger sister, “well good morning to you too.” natasha hisses, and yelena rolls her eyes as she reaches for a clean mug. yelena doesn’t say anything else to the redhead as she pours herself a cup of fresh coffee. "what has you in such a crap mood?” natasha asks, evidently annoyed. “nothing. i just figured we were all being asshole’s today, considering how you just behaved with y/n.” yelena’s response causes natasha to scoff. “oh please, i’m always like that with her. she’s like, borderline obsessed with me. nothing i say bothers her.” the older woman explains with a careless shrug, and yelena blinks at her sister in disbelief.

“she has a crush on you, идиот (idiot). god forbid somebody actually cares about you.” yelena whispers with a hiss in order to keep herself from snapping at her sister. natasha rolls her eyes, “i don’t want her to care about me. i don’t care about her at all. the sooner she realizes that, the better.” natasha simplifies, and shakes her head in dismay, before scoffing. ”you don’t deserve her anyways.” yelena mutters as she reaches for the to-go box that was originally for natasha. natasha glares, “that’s mine—” “you don’t deserve it.” yelena cuts in with a snarky tone, before she takes the crepes and coffee back to her room, leaving natasha alone.

natasha throws her coffee out into the sink, by now it's gone dog-nose cold. she tries to continue on with her day after that, though her thoughts of you, and the amount of unnecessarily sweet things you do for her, circulate through her mind. the way you leave files on her desk with cute little sticky notes. you bring her lunch or dinner up to her room, whenever she’s too mentally exhausted to join the team in the kitchen. you even bring her a protein shake after her practices and training sessions. natasha doesn’t remember telling you her favorite flavor protein shake, but you somehow know it’s peanut butter and chocolate.

the next morning natasha wakes up, and the kitchen is abnormally empty. she opens the cabinet, hoping someone bought new coffee so she wouldn’t have to. low and behold, there was a weeks worth of coffee in the cabinet with a sticky note and your handwriting on it.

“hey natasha! i’m going out of town for a week but i restocked the place with your favorite things! — y/n.”

natasha reaches for the note, and frowns. out of town? you didn’t mention a vacation to her. then again, she hadn’t really been in a talking mood yesterday. she never really was. “morning natasha. oh sweet!! someone bought coffee!” bucky exclaims as he reaches for the new tub of coffee beans. natasha stuffs the note in her pocket, “hey, where’s y/n?” natasha asks, and bucky furrows his brows. “she went out of town to visit her family for a week. i thought she told everyone about it the other day?” bucky questions, and natasha thinks back to a few days ago.

“hey nat!” you exclaim, your bubbly voice filling the gym as you bounce in. natasha scowls at the sight of you, “what do you want?” she asks, sounding harsher than usual. “oh, i was just looking for you to tell you something! i brought your shake!” you admit as you hand her the protein shake. “look, y/n, whatever you have to say, save it. i’m not in the mood today.” she snaps, and you frown. “o-oh okay. sorry nat i—”

“and my name is natasha!” she raises her voice and you flinch a bit. a wave a of guilt washes over her for a second, but she keeps her arms crossed and a glare on her face. “sorry natasha.” you mumble before walking out, and leaving natasha to train. “wow.” wanda chirps in, and natasha looks over at the other redhead. “what?” natasha asks angrily, “she just wanted to give you a shake and have a conversation.” wanda points out, and natasha rolls her eyes. “i don’t want to talk to her. and i didn’t ask her to make me a shake. i never ask her for anything. you’d think she’d take the hint and stop already.” natasha grumbles, and wanda nods. “well, maybe one day she will. i do think you’ll miss the actions more than she will though. so be careful what you wish for.” wanda warns, and natasha waves her off with narrowed her eyes as shoves her earbuds in and takes a big chug of her shake. it’s peanut butter and chocolate. her favorite.

“i guess she forgot to tell me.” natasha mutters, and bucky nods. “well, she’ll be back on sunday night.” he assures her as he opens the fridge. “oh sweet, there’s new bacon!!” he exclaims in a giddy tone, and natasha swallows thickly. you’re not here and you still did something for her.

natasha feels your absence throughout the day. it’s as if the compound is dimmer, and lacking any life. nobody brings natasha her shake, and she had to make it herself; though it doesn’t taste as good as when you make it. natasha always uses too much peanut butter. the rest of natasha’s day is no better. she doesn’t join the team for dinner, and she isn’t greeted by the sound of your soft knocks and a plate of her favorite foods.

natasha’s entire week without you is unexpectedly hell. for some reason, you seem to be the only person who seeks natasha out. you know when she’s having a bad day, you know when she’s had a terrible mission, you even know when she’s in a good mood. natasha doesn’t understand how you know all these things about her, she’s never once bothered to open up to you. it makes her feel a surge of guilt as she recalls all the times you’d try to talk to her, and she’d turn you down. she wishes she understood why she suddenly felt so weak without you. why her days dragged on when she didn’t hear the sound of your voice.

you return on sunday night, and as soon as natasha sees you, she knows somethings wrong. you smile at her, but you don’t greet her with your usual “hey nat!”. you drag your bags up to your room, and without a word you don’t come out until the morning. natasha doesn’t sleep that night; you’ve been gone for a week, and you didn’t even bother to say hello to her. why? you’re in the kitchen the next morning, chatting with yelena, “hey natasha.” you greet her with a soft smile. she doesn’t enjoy the way her full name sounds rolling off your tongue, despite how many times she demanded it.

“morning.” she greets back, eyeing you for a moment before shuffling passed bucky and thor to the coffee machine. natasha makes herself a cup of coffee, and can’t help but listen to you and yelena quietly talk about some show yelena’s watching. she doesn’t understand why it bothers her that you’re talking to someone else and not her. it’s what she wanted isn’t it? to be left alone by you. natasha huffs, and is out of the kitchen as soon as her mug is full of piping hot coffee.

today you don’t bring natasha a shake, and you don’t go out of your way to see or talk to her. natasha is in a grumpier mood than usual because of it. she hopes this is just a momentary thing. maybe you’re just taking it out on her for the way she acted before you left. you’ll be back to normal again by tomorrow. right? natasha doesn’t know why she's hoping that’s the case.

that definitely isn’t the case. the next three days pass and you barely say a word to natasha. you still smile at her, but the shine in your eyes seems to have disappeared. natasha has a haunting realization that you may have realized what yelena has been saying all along; you deserve better. better than natasha and her complex moods. better than the way she treats you. better than her and her need to push away anyone who truly cares about her.

natasha hasn’t been to dinner with the team for two weeks now, and you haven’t once brought her a plate. something about the sudden distance makes natasha inexplicably angry. your cheerfulness in your voice is gone whenever speaking to her, and she can’t figure out why your smile doesn’t reach your eyes like it did before. it takes two and a half weeks of this for natasha to get fed up and finally do something about it. she finds you on the treadmill in the gym alone, getting your cardio in.

this time, natasha tries a different approach. she brings you a protein shake. “hey. this is for you.” natasha says bluntly, and it causes your running to falter as you stop the electric machine and face natasha. she’s holding out a chocolate shake, and you eye it carefully. “i swear i didn’t poison it.” she promises, and you raise your eyebrows. “did— did you make it? for me?” you ask a bit uncertainly. natasha’s brows are scrunched together, and she scoffs.

“well, i don’t see anyone else in here do you?” she asks impatiently, still holding the protein shake. you gladly take it, and a small smile tugs at your lips. “thanks natasha.” you thank her, before taking a sip. it has way too much chocolate in it, but you don’t mind. the gesture is undoubtedly sweet. natasha stands there for a moment, and you blink up at her. “it’s good.” you obviously lie politely in order to spare her feelings, and natasha rolls her eyes. “you make them better than i do.” she grunts out, making your smile widen.

for some reason the curve on your lips makes natasha’s chest flutter. she clears her throat, “i’m uh— i’m sorry if i scared you off. i don’t take to kindness too well... your little acts of genuine kindness scared me. it wasn’t my intention to be such a jerk to you.” natasha apologizes, refusing to meet your eyes. you’re a bit surprised by the unexpected apology, and you shake your head quickly. “you didn’t!” you respond without thinking, “you didn’t scare me off... the truth is it’s been a tough few weeks for me. i’m not very close with my parents and whenever i visit, a fight always breaks out. it wasn’t my intention to make you think i was shutting you out, i’ve just been a little sad since going back home.” you promise, and her eyes widen.

“wait, so you... you aren’t angry with the way i’ve been treating you?” she asks and you shrug. “sure, sometimes you hurt my feelings, but sometimes i can see in your eyes how much you’re hurting. you deserve kindness, natasha. even if you don’t know how to accept it.” your voice is sincere, and natasha’s heart feels like it’s being squeezed so tightly it might pop. something inside of her snaps and she doesn’t even feel the tears brimming in her eyes. your eyes almost widen at the sight of her tears, “why? why are you so nice to me all the time?” natasha asks in a frustrated manner. why is it impossible to hate you? why doesn’t she want to?

“because i know what it feels like when the world hasn’t been kind. like i said, you deserve kindness, natasha.” you iterate, and the redhead lets her chest rise and fall before saying “yo-you can call me nat.” the smile you give her makes it feel like someone lit a match in her belly.

after that, there’s quite a difference in your friendship with natasha; if you could even call it a friendship. the two of you were nearly always together; during breakfast, during training sessions. on late nights doing paperwork, you’d keep natasha company, and she didn’t mind. it goes on like this for a few months, the subtle flirting, light touches, and longing looks. everyone on the team notices, including you both. the problem is, neither of you are brave enough to make the first move.

until you’re both put on a mission with peter and steve. it’s supposed to be an easy mission; peter and steve infiltrate the building across town with the databases and broadcasts, while natasha sets up a bomb in the secret hydra location downtown. except, it’s two minutes passed the time natasha’s supposed to have came out, and she still isn’t here. “steve— don’t start the bomb, nat’s not here yet.” you order, “what? *static* — do you mean— *static* —ot there?” steve’s mics chooses the worst time to start cutting out.

“rogers, stop the plan i’m going in for nat!” you say, and the mic goes silent. “steve?” you ask, but you don't get a response. within a moment a loud explosion sounds throughout the building, and your eyes go wide as the blood goes straight to your ears. you don’t even think twice before rushing out of the van, and running into the building. your eyes dart around, and you find the stairway right way. you go downstairs to where natasha’s supposed to be, and your eyes widen as you see she’s pretty busy fighting off three guys.

you rush over and pry one guy away from her, punching him square in the nose, then kicking him in the crotch. natasha uses one of her widow bites to tase the man, and she doesn’t notice you pulled your gun out until she hears the first shot. she looks over and sees the large man slump forward, and you don’t hesitate to shoot the other right between the eyes. natasha has never seen you use a gun before, and it causes her mouth to go dry for a moment.

you look at her, acting on complete instinct, as you grab her wrist and pull her for the nearest exit. not even a second after you push her out of the building, and stumble on top of her, the building collapses. surely leaving no survivors on the inside. you let out a silent breath of relief, nearly forgetting you’re literally on top of natasha romanoff. natasha pushes you off, glaring at you, “are you out of your fucking mind?!” the redhead shouts, and you frown up at her, propping yourself up on your wrists as she stands up. “why are you yelling at me!?” you ask loudly, your ears still ringing from the explosion.

“because you’re an idiot! you were supposed to follow orders and wait in the van!” natasha looks like shes seething, clenching her fists as she glowers at you. the police sirens snap you guys out of your feud, as you stand up. “get back in the van.” you order, and she scoffs as she follows you back into the van. as soon as you're both in, you speed away from the scene.

“rogers? parker? are you there?” natasha asks, as she uses the emergency walkie. “we’re here, natasha. where y/n? she was trying to tell me something before we got cut out.” steve says over the walkie talkie, and you look over your shoulder, “nothing. it doesn’t matter now.” you say, and natasha glares at you. “doesn’t matter?! you could’ve died! she completely went off orders and ran into the building, rogers.” natasha throws you under the bus and your eyes widen. “what?? y/n, you were supposed to wait in the van!” he reminds and you huff in frustration, hands gripping the steering wheel as you drive back to the compound.

“we’ll talk about this when we meet back at the compound.” steve adds, and your shoulder slouch a bit. you know you’re in for it. when you get to the compound, natasha completely ignores you as she practically stomps to the elevator. you sigh as you watch you her walk away. “y/n, your bleeding.” steve points out, as he gestures to your shoulder. “i think one of the guys i was fighting had a knife or something? it’s just a slash.” you assure him, and peter shakes his head. “that’s a pretty deep slash.” he mutters and steve flashes him a look, “that’s because it’s not a slash. it’s a gash. you need to get to medbay and get that stitched up.” he orders and you want to protest, but the stern look on his face advises you not to.

“yes sir.” you reply as you walk away with your head down. you aren’t upset that steve is disappointed, you’re more upset that natasha is angry at you for saving her. did she really expect you to just sit back and wait for her to die in an explosion? did she really think you weren’t going to go in there for her? your thoughts whirl around your head the entire way to medbay. you don’t mean to be so sensitive, but you can’t help but feel hurt as you realize natasha is angry with you. you don’t like it when natasha is upset with you.

“hey steve, where’s y/n?” yelena asks, sitting on the edge of the countertop as natasha rummages through the fridge for a beer. “medbay. she has a gash in her shoulder that needs stitches.” he admits and natasha knocks over the tub of juice as she practically pulls her head out of the fridge. “she got hurt?” the redhead asks demandingly, and peter shakes her head. “it’s not that bad, it’s just a cut.” he reassures the widow, and natasha slams the fridge shut.

“just a cut? a cut she didn’t even mention— oh i’m gonna kill her!” natasha hisses and the team hears her heavy footsteps as she angrily makes her way to the elevator. “natasha.” steve calls out, keeping his voice calm. she spins around, “what?!” she asks harshly, and he flashes her a look. “go easy on her. i don’t know why she went against my orders, but she sounded frantic before the mic cut off. whatever it was, i’m sure it was worth it to her.” he says, and natasha blinks a few times, the anger slowly leaving her body. you ran into that building for her. if you two would’ve left a second later, you’d both be dead.

natasha doesn’t respond; she swallows thickly, and makes her way to the elevator. the entire way to the medbay she thinks about how mean she was, after you quite literally put your life at risk for her. she also thinks about how sexy you looked while firing a gun. the beep of the elevator brings natasha out of her thoughts as she steps out, and she can already hear you and bruce going back and fourth. “come on, just tell me if it’s green.” you beg and he flashes you a stringent expression. “i’m not going to tell you if hulk’s junk is green!” he scolds, sounding extremely irritated and embarrassed while he attempts to keep still. he was nearly halfway through with your stitches, but you weren't helping by squirming every other minute.

natasha chuckles, causing you both to look over at where she was standing, leaning against the doorway. “you know, i always wondered that too.” she reveals, and bruce rolls his eyes. “oh great, now you’re both here. it’s bad enough i have to listen to this one’s way too personal questions, now i have to make sure these stitches are perfect.” bruce mutters, and natasha smirks, “better make sure you do a great job, banner. and try not to hurt her." natasha says protectively. you blush obviously, and bruce rolls his eyes as he continues.

you glance over at natasha who’s staring intently at the wound on your shoulder. “are you still pissed at me?” you ask, pulling her out of her thoughts and back to reality. she meets your gaze, and she shrugs. “only when i look at you.” she blurts out, and you frown, you shift and bruce glares at you causing you to halt your movements. “did you really come all the way here to tell me you’re still pissed?” you question, narrowing your eyes at the redhead. she crosses her arms tightly, turning her head to the side so she doesn’t have to meet your eyes.

when she doesn’t respond you scoff, turning your own head so you wouldn’t have to look at her anymore either. natasha glances at you every couple of minutes until bruce is done, but you keep your sight locked on the wall beside you. “alright, i’ll give you some antibiotic cream for it, you know the drill. come back next week so i can take the stitches out.” he explains adamantly, and you do a poor imitation of a salute. “sir yes sir.” you joke, making him shake his head, but there’s a faint smile tugging at his lips. “don’t make this a habit, y/n/n.” he adds, and natasha’s piercing eyes snap over to you both. “she won’t.” the redhead answers for you, and you flash bruce a look. “you heard her.” you state, and bruce nods as he makes his way out.

he leaves you and natasha alone, and a silence washes over you both. you gnaw on your bottom lip as you glance at her, before your eyes begin to dart around the room. your kicking your right leg back and fourth in anticipation, mentally preparing yourself to get yelled at or scolded (or both) by natasha. “what you did was seriously stupid. you do get that right? you could’ve died.” the taller woman scolds, but her tone isn’t as harsh as before. you narrow your eyes at her, “you could’ve died! if i hadn’t gone in there... you... you wouldn’t be here right now.” the haunting realization hits you as the words leave your mouth. tears brim your eyes as you clench your fists, “i don’t care if you’re angry! i’d do it again in a heartbeat!” you snap, and natasha looks taken back at the confession. as if the thought of you risking your life for her was so far fetched. as if you don’t think about her every morning and every night. as if her rare smile doesn’t make your day. as if she isn't the only consistent thought running through your chaotic mind all damn day.

“i have been nothing but an asshole to you! do you see that or are you blind?? why would you want to risk your life for someone like me?!” natasha yells back, her nostrils flaring as she crosses her arms, unknowingly flexing her bicep muscles. you have to remind yourself not to ogle her. your fingernails dig into your palms, nearly drawing blood as a few tears leave your eyes. “because you’re not just a fucking asshole, natasha! you’re a person! you’re a great person, and i don’t care how self deprecating you are, you deserve to live! and i— i wouldn’t be able to if you weren’t around... okay?” your voice breaking towards the end as tears fall out of her eyes rapidly.

natasha’s demeanor changes, as her arms fall to her sides, and her jaw unclenches. “what do you mean?” she asks, and you scoff as you turn your head to look at the wall. “please don’t pretend like you don’t know.” you whisper in a pleading tone, and natasha stares at you with those intense emerald eyes. “pretend i don’t know what, y/n?” natasha questions again, this time her tone is more demanding. you look at her, your eyes full of emotions. she’s never seen you so passionately upset, “pretend that you don’t know i’m hopelessly in love with you!” you hiss, balling your fists as you look at her while you cry.

natasha’s eyes nearly widen at the confession, and she stares at you as if she can see right through you. you sigh, shaking your head and wiping your tears away with your palms, “i know you could never love me, and maybe that’s why you don’t understand why i couldn’t just sit back today and let... let you get hurt. i had to go in there, and i would do it again. no matter the outcome.” you iterate certainly, and natasha is looking at you with an unreadable expression. “you’re wrong.” natasha mutters, and you roll your eyes. “if you’re about to gaslight me into thinking i don’t love you, you can just go, nat. i’ve had a long day.” you say in a exhausted tone.

natasha grits her teeth, “you had a long day?! i just almost watched the woman i love get blown up because of me!” natasha shouts, and her hand clamps over her mouth as soon as the words leave her mouth. your eyebrows nearly meet your hairline as soon as you hear those words. “the— the woman you love...? you love me?” you ask, your tone laced with a bit of disbelief and giddiness as your eyes flutter up to meet hers. she takes a step backwards, shaking her head, “n-no i didn’t— i didn’t say that. you misheard.” she says simply, and you grin, finally the air is light again. you giggle despite your tears, “no, i’m pretty sure i heard correctly. i’m also pretty sure there’s high tech cameras in this room, i’ll just ask FRIDAY to run the video.” you shrug and she narrows her eyes at you. “you can, but then you’ll be disappointed because i didn’t say love.” she insists, lying right through her teeth.

“it’s too late for take backs, nat.” you flash her a feline smile, and she scoffs. “there’s nothing to take back!” she defends herself adamantly, and you frown. “oh... okay.” you feign disappointment, pretending to actually feel hurt. she rolls her eyes, crossing her arms again, “god, you’re such a baby. i can’t believe i’m in love with someone who acts like a child.” she murmurs, and your eyes light up. “you’re in love with me?!” you ask, and she looks up at the ceiling. “you keep mishearing things, y/n. you sure that bomb didn't affect your ears?" she plays dumb.

you groan in mock frustration, “naaat.” you drag out her name whiningly, and she can’t help but grin. “fine. maybe i said it. once or twice.” she murmurs finally giving in, and your face breaks out into a gigantic smile. “i knew it! i knew you loved me!” you exclaim as you throw your arms around her neck and pull her in for a hug as you stay seated on the small bed. she rolls her eyes, but eventually hugs back. “can i have a kiss now?! please?” you ask hopefully, and natasha sighs, rolling her eyes as she pretends to be annoyed.

she pulls away, and before you can say anything else, she’s cupping your jaw with one of her strong hands and leaning down to kiss you. your heart is on the brinks of exploding, and you have no idea where to put your hands, but they instinctively land on her waist while you kiss back. suddenly every dismal emotion you've felt today dissipates, and all you can feel is a burst of warm joy. when she pulls away there's this soft smile on her face, and her eyes are full of love. "totally worth almost dying." you whisper, and she rolls her eyes playfully as she leans in and kisses you again.

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mostlysignssomeportents · 3 months

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Demon-haunted computers are back, baby

Catch me in Miami! I'll be at Books and Books in Coral Gables on Jan 22 at 8PM.

As a science fiction writer, I am professionally irritated by a lot of sf movies. Not only do those writers get paid a lot more than I do, they insist on including things like "self-destruct" buttons on the bridges of their starships.

Look, I get it. When the evil empire is closing in on your flagship with its secret transdimensional technology, it's important that you keep those secrets out of the emperor's hand. An irrevocable self-destruct switch there on the bridge gets the job done! (It has to be irrevocable, otherwise the baddies'll just swarm the bridge and toggle it off).

But c'mon. If there's a facility built into your spaceship that causes it to explode no matter what the people on the bridge do, that is also a pretty big security risk! What if the bad guy figures out how to hijack the measure that – by design – the people who depend on the spaceship as a matter of life and death can't detect or override?

I mean, sure, you can try to simplify that self-destruct system to make it easier to audit and assure yourself that it doesn't have any bugs in it, but remember Schneier's Law: anyone can design a security system that works so well that they themselves can't think of a flaw in it. That doesn't mean you've made a security system that works – only that you've made a security system that works on people stupider than you.

I know it's weird to be worried about realism in movies that pretend we will ever find a practical means to visit other star systems and shuttle back and forth between them (which we are very, very unlikely to do):

https://pluralistic.net/2024/01/09/astrobezzle/#send-robots-instead

But this kind of foolishness galls me. It galls me even more when it happens in the real world of technology design, which is why I've spent the past quarter-century being very cross about Digital Rights Management in general, and trusted computing in particular.

It all starts in 2002, when a team from Microsoft visited our offices at EFF to tell us about this new thing they'd dreamed up called "trusted computing":

https://pluralistic.net/2020/12/05/trusting-trust/#thompsons-devil

The big idea was to stick a second computer inside your computer, a very secure little co-processor, that you couldn't access directly, let alone reprogram or interfere with. As far as this "trusted platform module" was concerned, you were the enemy. The "trust" in trusted computing was about other people being able to trust your computer, even if they didn't trust you.

So that little TPM would do all kinds of cute tricks. It could observe and produce a cryptographically signed manifest of the entire boot-chain of your computer, which was meant to be an unforgeable certificate attesting to which kind of computer you were running and what software you were running on it. That meant that programs on other computers could decide whether to talk to your computer based on whether they agreed with your choices about which code to run.

This process, called "remote attestation," is generally billed as a way to identify and block computers that have been compromised by malware, or to identify gamers who are running cheats and refuse to play with them. But inevitably it turns into a way to refuse service to computers that have privacy blockers turned on, or are running stream-ripping software, or whose owners are blocking ads:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/08/02/self-incrimination/#wei-bai-bai

After all, a system that treats the device's owner as an adversary is a natural ally for the owner's other, human adversaries. The rubric for treating the owner as an adversary focuses on the way that users can be fooled by bad people with bad programs. If your computer gets taken over by malicious software, that malware might intercept queries from your antivirus program and send it false data that lulls it into thinking your computer is fine, even as your private data is being plundered and your system is being used to launch malware attacks on others.

These separate, non-user-accessible, non-updateable secure systems serve a nubs of certainty, a remote fortress that observes and faithfully reports on the interior workings of your computer. This separate system can't be user-modifiable or field-updateable, because then malicious software could impersonate the user and disable the security chip.

It's true that compromised computers are a real and terrifying problem. Your computer is privy to your most intimate secrets and an attacker who can turn it against you can harm you in untold ways. But the widespread redesign of out computers to treat us as their enemies gives rise to a range of completely predictable and – I would argue – even worse harms. Building computers that treat their owners as untrusted parties is a system that works well, but fails badly.

First of all, there are the ways that trusted computing is designed to hurt you. The most reliable way to enshittify something is to supply it over a computer that runs programs you can't alter, and that rats you out to third parties if you run counter-programs that disenshittify the service you're using. That's how we get inkjet printers that refuse to use perfectly good third-party ink and cars that refuse to accept perfectly good engine repairs if they are performed by third-party mechanics:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/07/24/rent-to-pwn/#kitt-is-a-demon

It's how we get cursed devices and appliances, from the juicer that won't squeeze third-party juice to the insulin pump that won't connect to a third-party continuous glucose monitor:

https://arstechnica.com/gaming/2020/01/unauthorized-bread-a-near-future-tale-of-refugees-and-sinister-iot-appliances/

But trusted computing doesn't just create an opaque veil between your computer and the programs you use to inspect and control it. Trusted computing creates a no-go zone where programs can change their behavior based on whether they think they're being observed.

The most prominent example of this is Dieselgate, where auto manufacturers murdered hundreds of people by gimmicking their cars to emit illegal amount of NOX. Key to Dieselgate was a program that sought to determine whether it was being observed by regulators (it checked for the telltale signs of the standard test-suite) and changed its behavior to color within the lines.

Software that is seeking to harm the owner of the device that's running it must be able to detect when it is being run inside a simulation, a test-suite, a virtual machine, or any other hallucinatory virtual world. Just as Descartes couldn't know whether anything was real until he assured himself that he could trust his senses, malware is always questing to discover whether it is running in the real universe, or in a simulation created by a wicked god:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/07/28/descartes-was-an-optimist/#uh-oh

That's why mobile malware uses clever gambits like periodically checking for readings from your device's accelerometer, on the theory that a virtual mobile phone running on a security researcher's test bench won't have the fidelity to generate plausible jiggles to match the real data that comes from a phone in your pocket:

https://arstechnica.com/information-technology/2019/01/google-play-malware-used-phones-motion-sensors-to-conceal-itself/

Sometimes this backfires in absolutely delightful ways. When the Wannacry ransomware was holding the world hostage, the security researcher Marcus Hutchins noticed that its code made reference to a very weird website: iuqerfsodp9ifjaposdfjhgosurijfaewrwergwea.com. Hutchins stood up a website at that address and every Wannacry-infection in the world went instantly dormant:

https://pluralistic.net/2020/07/10/flintstone-delano-roosevelt/#the-matrix

It turns out that Wannacry's authors were using that ferkakte URL the same way that mobile malware authors were using accelerometer readings – to fulfill Descartes' imperative to distinguish the Matrix from reality. The malware authors knew that security researchers often ran malicious code inside sandboxes that answered every network query with fake data in hopes of eliciting responses that could be analyzed for weaknesses. So the Wannacry worm would periodically poll this nonexistent website and, if it got an answer, it would assume that it was being monitored by a security researcher and it would retreat to an encrypted blob, ceasing to operate lest it give intelligence to the enemy. When Hutchins put a webserver up at iuqerfsodp9ifjaposdfjhgosurijfaewrwergwea.com, every Wannacry instance in the world was instantly convinced that it was running on an enemy's simulator and withdrew into sulky hibernation.

The arms race to distinguish simulation from reality is critical and the stakes only get higher by the day. Malware abounds, even as our devices grow more intimately woven through our lives. We put our bodies into computers – cars, buildings – and computers inside our bodies. We absolutely want our computers to be able to faithfully convey what's going on inside them.

But we keep running as hard as we can in the opposite direction, leaning harder into secure computing models built on subsystems in our computers that treat us as the threat. Take UEFI, the ubiquitous security system that observes your computer's boot process, halting it if it sees something it doesn't approve of. On the one hand, this has made installing GNU/Linux and other alternative OSes vastly harder across a wide variety of devices. This means that when a vendor end-of-lifes a gadget, no one can make an alternative OS for it, so off the landfill it goes.

It doesn't help that UEFI – and other trusted computing modules – are covered by Section 1201 of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA), which makes it a felony to publish information that can bypass or weaken the system. The threat of a five-year prison sentence and a $500,000 fine means that UEFI and other trusted computing systems are understudied, leaving them festering with longstanding bugs:

https://pluralistic.net/2020/09/09/free-sample/#que-viva

Here's where it gets really bad. If an attacker can get inside UEFI, they can run malicious software that – by design – no program running on our computers can detect or block. That badware is running in "Ring -1" – a zone of privilege that overrides the operating system itself.

Here's the bad news: UEFI malware has already been detected in the wild:

https://securelist.com/cosmicstrand-uefi-firmware-rootkit/106973/

And here's the worst news: researchers have just identified another exploitable UEFI bug, dubbed Pixiefail:

https://blog.quarkslab.com/pixiefail-nine-vulnerabilities-in-tianocores-edk-ii-ipv6-network-stack.html

Writing in Ars Technica, Dan Goodin breaks down Pixiefail, describing how anyone on the same LAN as a vulnerable computer can infect its firmware:

https://arstechnica.com/security/2024/01/new-uefi-vulnerabilities-send-firmware-devs-across-an-entire-ecosystem-scrambling/

That vulnerability extends to computers in a data-center where the attacker has a cloud computing instance. PXE – the system that Pixiefail attacks – isn't widely used in home or office environments, but it's very common in data-centers.

Again, once a computer is exploited with Pixiefail, software running on that computer can't detect or delete the Pixiefail code. When the compromised computer is queried by the operating system, Pixiefail undetectably lies to the OS. "Hey, OS, does this drive have a file called 'pixiefail?'" "Nope." "Hey, OS, are you running a process called 'pixiefail?'" "Nope."

This is a self-destruct switch that's been compromised by the enemy, and which no one on the bridge can de-activate – by design. It's not the first time this has happened, and it won't be the last.

There are models for helping your computer bust out of the Matrix. Back in 2016, Edward Snowden and bunnie Huang prototyped and published source code and schematics for an "introspection engine":

https://assets.pubpub.org/aacpjrja/AgainstTheLaw-CounteringLawfulAbusesofDigitalSurveillance.pdf

This is a single-board computer that lives in an ultraslim shim that you slide between your iPhone's mainboard and its case, leaving a ribbon cable poking out of the SIM slot. This connects to a case that has its own OLED display. The board has leads that physically contact each of the network interfaces on the phone, conveying any data they transit to the screen so that you can observe the data your phone is sending without having to trust your phone.

(I liked this gadget so much that I included it as a major plot point in my 2020 novel Attack Surface, the third book in the Little Brother series):

https://craphound.com/attacksurface/

We don't have to cede control over our devices in order to secure them. Indeed, we can't ever secure them unless we can control them. Self-destruct switches don't belong on the bridge of your spaceship, and trusted computing modules don't belong in your devices.

I'm Kickstarting the audiobook for The Bezzle, the sequel to Red Team Blues, narrated by @wilwheaton! You can pre-order the audiobook and ebook, DRM free, as well as the hardcover, signed or unsigned. There's also bundles with Red Team Blues in ebook, audio or paperback.

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/01/17/descartes-delenda-est/#self-destruct-sequence-initiated

Image: Mike (modified) https://www.flickr.com/photos/stillwellmike/15676883261/

CC BY-SA 2.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/

#pluralistic #uefi #owner override #user override #jailbreaking #dmca 1201 #schneiers law #descartes #nub of certainty #self-destruct button #trusted computing #secure enclaves #drm #ngscb #next generation secure computing base #palladium #pixiefail #infosec

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drchucktingle · 3 months

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Good day Dr. Tingle. I haven't read your stories, but I've known about you from afar in this website for a while. Your recent post about separating Ideas and Message is very similar to how I teach a class. I wanted to ask you, if you could share some of your Messages, in whichever structure/length/complexity you think about them before writing, to have some real world examples to show in class.

Personally I tend to simplify and shorten my messages as much as possible, like "everyone deserves forgiveness" for example, so that I can permeate it throughout the story, and so that anyone experiencing the story can come to a similarish conclusion.

I'm curious as to how your Messages look like inside your head, during the creative process. Not the refined versions used for marketing and sales and stuff.

Thank you!

sure buckaroo.

high concept idea of the book STRAIGHT was this: zombie apocalypse story but the rage only effects straight cis people (there is also a second high concept idea in there which is: what if zombie plague only happened one day a year? how would culture handle this politically and otherwise?)

so i had this idea that i thought was good, but before i can write it i think 'well what do i want to SAY about this? what am i FEELING?'

and i realized that i was a little torn about how to write this story because of the one day a year thing. when is it okay to fight back? can you hurt a zombie if it turns back into a person the next day? is that right or wrong? and WHEN is it right or wrong? what situations?

then i realized that with the metaphor of this story what i was really asking was something bigger: why is it up to the victims (in this case queer buckaroos) to be forced to make these decisions? marginalized groups have TWO kinds of violations done to them, the first is the obvious act of violation, but the second is that they are forced to use their time and mental space and emotional tolerance to learn how to HANDLE the first violation in an 'acceptable way'

so THAT became my message. if you want to know how i feel about these questions you can read STRAIGHT and find out.

CAMP DAMASCUS high concept idea was (SPOILERS IF YOU HAVE NOT READ CAMP DAMASCUS STOP READING HERE) what if the church really DID decide the ends justify the means and instead of stopping demonic possession they were inflicting demonic possession to counter sinful acts.

but that is not the message of the book. that is just the idea. if i just had that idea i would not write it, but as things evolved i realized WHAT i wanted to say with this story

in this situation WHO is the force of 'evil'? would it be the demons? would it be the possessed? or would it be the SYSTEM AND MENTALITY that was creating this situation in the first place? so the book sets out the answer this question and express the conclusion that ive made for myself

i also noticed that many churches who are anti gay have a sort of infantilizing trot with how they handle their young buckaroos. this idea that gay feelings will just go away if they are ignored and that they can almost keep young queer buckaroos from ever aging into fully realized adults. obviously i think this is WRONG and so fighting back against this mentality became part of the message as well, and that informed most of the metaphor and symbolism in the book.

it is important to keep in mind that sometimes the message can change. as the book trots along i am LEARNING myself, working out these thoughts on the page and coming to a conclusion of my own. this is actually VERY true of BURY YOUR GAYS, which is probably most autobiographical thing i have written. i will save talking about that MESSAGE and HIGH CONCEPT for after book is out though

EDIT FOR CLARITY OF MY WAY:

when i say i write MESSAGE FIRST that does not mean i think of the message first in TIME (although that does happen sometimes) it means the message is the most important thing over plot or characters or anything like that (although those are important too). it means that i write with message as my north star, which is rare, but it is how i make art

#writing #buckaroo lifestyle #chuck tingle

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moonstruckme · 6 months

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hi there!! i have a request for youuuu

could you maybe do spencer x bau!reader where the reader is a year clean from self-injury and they have like a little get together with the whole team for it (the original crew, season 2) and everything is happy and okay lol

THANK YOU SM!! i am in need of comfort

Hi lovely! Slight betrayal of the prompt because it's been forever since I watched the show with Gideon instead of Rossi, so I hope that's alright. Thank you for requesting honey, I really hope you're doing well <3

cw: implied past self-harm

Spencer Reid x bau!reader ♡ 1k words

These cooking classes at Rossi’s are becoming a semi-regular event. He always claims it's because every one of you could seriously use the help, but he doesn’t really bother selling the lie to your team of profilers. You all just want to spend time together, and he’s nice enough to host.

“You’re way too excited.” Amusement livens Spencer’s tone as you practically skip up the steps of Rossi’s too-large house.

“You’re just jealous,” you say, “that last time Rossi called me his star student and said your gnocchi was as good as mashed potatoes.”

“They’re not really very different from mashed potatoes,” Spencer mutters, but his hand is fond on the small of your back as he reaches past you to ring the doorbell.

JJ is the one who comes to the door. “Hi!” She pulls you in for a hug, giving your shoulder blades a happy squeeze.

“Hi,” you say back, slightly bemused. JJ is a hugger, but usually only on special occasions. You saw her just yesterday.

Spencer rubs a gentle back-and-forth just below your waist at your confusion, encouraging you through the door. “Hi,” he says. “Did you guys start already? It smells like garlic.”

“Rossi pre-made garlic knots.” JJ rolls her eyes, leading the way to the kitchen. “He said he didn’t want to give us the chance to botch it.”

You laugh. “Course he did. At least we won’t all be salivating and trying to eat ingredients this time.”

“See, she knows exactly what I mean,” Rossi gestures to you as you enter the kitchen. “That’s why you’re my star pupil.”

You blush at the rare praise, and Prentiss and Morgan both stand.

“Hey, gorgeous,” Morgan pulls you away from Spencer and into a one-armed hug. You pat him awkwardly on the back. “Glad you came.”

“Of course I came,” you laugh as Prentiss comes over with a glass of wine. “Thanks, Em.”

“Cheers.” She clinks the rim of her glass against yours, oddly smiley. You shoot Spencer a look which he very conveniently misses, and suspicion twitches to life in your head.

“Cheers,” you echo. “So, what’re we making?”

“Lasagna,” Morgan says. “But according to Rossi, it’s extra Italian.”

“It’s lasagne al forno,” Rossi corrects him, pinching his fingers and bopping his hand up and down with each syllable, and you have to suppress a smile at how completely unironic the gesture is.

“It’s beef lasagna,” Prentiss simplifies, ignoring the look of offense the old man shoots her way as Garcia comes in the door.

“Hello, hello!” She beelines for you, wrapping you in a tight, warm hug. “Ugh, I’m so proud of you! How are you doing?”

“I’m good,” you tell her, more and more confident you know what’s going on. “How are you?”

“I’m amazing.” Garcia releases you but not really, taking one of your hands in both of hers and squeezing. Her eyes are downright twinkly with cheer. “Positively sublime, my friend. Ready to do some cooking!”

“Same here.” You smile, squeezing back. “I’m just going to go wash my hands really quickly.”

You don’t have to look behind you to know Spencer is trailing you. He’s hardly left you alone all day, relentless in his doting. You’d thought he was just in one of his more affectionate moods, but now it’s clear why.

For a few moments, the only sound in the bathroom is the smooth sound of water running out of the faucet. Spencer brushes past you to get to the soap, and you push your long sleeves up so they won’t get wet. “You know what today is?” you ask him.

You can feel him looking at you in the mirror, but you keep your eyes on your hands as you lather soap between your palms.

“Of course I do,” he says softly.

“Does everybody know?”

Spencer rinses his hands, drying them on the towel. “I think so. I didn’t tell them, but I’m sure they remembered the same as I did.” His hand finds the crook of your elbow, thumb damp where it slides over a fine white line just under the edge of your sleeve. The contact isn’t anything special; it’s gentle like all Spencer’s touches, an offhand brush of his skin against yours like there’s nothing wrong with you at all. Your throat clogs unfairly. “It’s an important thing, you know?”

“For me it is.” Your voice is smaller than you’d like it to be. You stick your hands under the faucet, relishing the feel of the hot water. “I didn’t expect anyone else to remember, though. It’s kind of…I mean, it’s just a year of doing nothing.”

“It’s not.” Spencer’s palm slides up the length of your arm to your shoulder blade. He rubs between them, quiet until you meet his eyes in the mirror. “It’s not,” he repeats, gently emphatic. “It’s a year of not doing something, and I know it hasn’t been easy for you. It’s an accomplishment, honey. You should get to celebrate.”

“Wait.” You narrow your eyes, a new suspicion taking root. “Is this…are we here tonight because…” You feel silly for even asking, and your gaze drops back to your hands as you dry them on the towel. “Because of my thing?”

Spencer shrugs, borderline sheepish. “I mean, not exactly. We did all want to be with you tonight, but everyone knew you wouldn’t want a party or anything. So it’s more…more of an excuse, really.”

You sigh, turning and resting your head on Spencer’s chest. “How am I supposed to react to that?” you ask him, voice fragile.

His hand comes to rest on the top of your head, a grounding weight as the other continues rubbing diligently between your shoulders. “You don’t have to,” he says. “You’re allowed to feel any way you need to, everybody knows that. They all just want you to know they’re proud of you.” He slides the hand on your head down to cup your face, working your face away from his chest to look you in the eyes. His smile is small but brimming with an affection too big for words. “You’ve been doing really great, you know that?”

You laugh a little, pressing your knuckles under your eyes to dry your lashes of tears that never fell. “Thanks, Spence. For everything.”

“Hey, you did all the work,” he tells you, hand finding its spot on your back again as you lead the way out of the bathroom. “We’re just happy you did it.”

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keepingsecretstokeepyoutk · 5 days

Text

This is going to be very long and sound a little crazy at first, and maybe a little mean but please hear me out…

I’m convinced that Taylor sometimes purposefully includes one line or multiple lines of poorly written or clunky lyrics in specific songs to make a point.

We all have seen some version of this with bearding songs like London Boy, a simple bop whose lyrics were immediately detected as sounding disingenuous, even with the general population (the locations she was signing about were the most touristy and too far away from each other to visit on the same day, etc, basically implying that she doesn’t actually have a long term local bf there that she spends a bunch of time with exploring the city with, etc).

But just like everything else on the album, I think she’s doing maybe a more in your face version of that. No holds barred.

So High School is an obvious example of this, with all of the early 2000’s hs imagery, she seems pretty blatantly to be mocking the idea the public has of her “living out every American girl’s high school fantasy” of dating the tall popular football player. With lyrics like “touch me while your friends play grand theft auto” (barf), etc, shes being clear enough that this is not a serious song.

This is the possibly controversial part, but I’m so curious to see what others think about this - I think another iteration of this on this album is the title track, The Tortured Poets Department. Hear me out.

(First, I want to reassure you that there are lines in this song that I really like and think are well written, like: “you’re in self-sabotage mode/throwing spikes down on the road” and “but you awaken with dread/pounding nails in your head/but I’ve read this one/where you come undone/I chose this cyclone with you”. And I fully agree with the idea that these sentiments are from Karlie’s perspective. Basically, when you take out the chunks I’m about to talk about this song makes way more sense and has a beautiful sentiment of undying love behind it - which makes the following parts stick out that much more!)

The first time I listened through the album, and this was the second song, I got terrified because I didn’t understand its place in the whole narrative and when I heard the first clunky line “scratch your head like a tattooed golden retriever” I got the ick. Then the bridge with no structure and no wit and no clever turns of phrase, no metaphor, just “you put my ring on the finger people put wedding rings on” and “that was the closest I’ve ever been to my heart exploding”. So over simplified and cheesy, and doesn’t sound anything like her writing, especially the caliber of her recent lyrics

I know art is largely subjective, but I insist there is no way that the same person who wrote Cowboy Like Me wrote these lines into her title track if she didn’t have a reason and a point to make. To make it clear that this isn’t a matter of genre personal taste, because I know CLM is a very specific sound and a style that music snobs often take more seriously - I love SO many of her candy pop bangers, they are infinitely more clever, articulate, and overall works of art by a true wordsmith than this. Karma, The Very First Night, etc are all a master classes in clever words and tight writing being tucked into an “unserious” pop song.

The lyrics I cited above to me sound like what haters believe her writing sounds like, even fans who make little jokey TikTok’s about her and make up a spoofy something to sing while in character - that’s what these lyrics sound like.

Im worried im being too harsh, but please stay with me because the more I think about the more genius I think it actually is.

In the context of the themes of rest of the album, (her being trapped, miserable, manipulated, ready to burn it all down, screaming to be seen) this theory became clear to me. I think she’s leaning into her public persona (in more ways than one, we’ve already seen it with the stunting), in a way setting a “trap” for her fans and the public, that will essentially call them all out on how they ignored the real her in favor of her pr narrative, making the album about paternity tests, etc, all of which I’m guessing will become very clear in retrospect, possibly after she comes out? (Of course it’s already clear to us now, which is another purpose of the beard songs including clunky writing - to signal to us that these are not serious and that she knows that we know that she knows (like Phoebe on friends lol))

Ultimately, this is (along with So Highschool) a classic beard song. When she writes in this voice, she embodies the most extreme versions of her public persona, not just the one she has cultivated on purpose, but also the one that people have of her that don’t know her (as she did in Blank Space), including those that don’t take her seriously - because her identity as a boy crazy psycho ex girlfriend is directly tied to people dismissing her art as vapid because, they’ve only ever heard her singles, they don’t know the full her.

That voice is the straightest, the most boy crazy, the most one note, and sometimes the most unsophisticated writer version of her that people have in their minds, including her fans - the fans that refuse to see her as a whole person, the real, that believe she is head over heals for big football boy, that believe “he knows how to ball, I know Aristotle” is a romantic line about how opposites attract, the fans that say they don’t “get” some of her most beautiful and well-written songs, the fans that don’t see her and haven’t been seeing her.

They didn’t see giant Taylor on the eras tour, they refuse to see all of her queer signaling, etc, and I think she’s making the bearding songs obvious to underscore the difference between her Taylor(TM) and Taylor(person) personas.

She knows that despite the fact that the lyrics don’t even come close to measuring up to the rest of the album, the public, and many of her fans, will make this song one of the most listened to simply because they are looking for evidence of her relationships from the past year. We’ve all commented on how insane it is that this layered, complex, devastating album is being reduced to the usual paternity tests. This is currently one of the top songs precisely because it is “about Matty”. And of course, So High School is one of the tops songs along with it because it’s “about Travis”.

The juxtaposition of the bearding songs alongside her beautifully written poetry of Prophecy, Peter, Whose Afraid of Little Old Me, Cassandra, How did it end, The Albatross, etc mirrors the juxtaposition of her two selves during the Midnights era.

She has proven the point that if they think she wrote every line of this song completely in earnest, then they see her largely no differently than her haters do, as a subpar writer who writes absurdly cheesy love songs praising trashy to mediocre, problematic men. By eating it up they tell her that’s what she’s good for, for being the subject of tabloids and warring fans who make this entire album about two (purposefully) mediocre songs and the men who “inspired” them.

She has proven her point - that a subset of her fans will be distracted by a lesser song simply because they think it’s about one of the greasy men that’s she been seen holding hands with. That they will ignore once again all of her pleas to be seen, that she’s in pain and caged, and has been driven insane by their willful ignorance. That they don’t appreciate her full potential and talent, that they don’t even see it, and just want to be confirmed in their ideation of her.

This song is essentially the “forget him(her)” pill at the beginning of the fortnight mv, but it’s a sedative for the fans, who are addicted to her straight narrative. Similar to Willow’s 13 chants of “that’s my man” that started off evermore, casting a spell of heteronormativity over everyone who wanted it, so that they could choose to just completely ignore the following 14 gayest songs ever written. Don’t pay no mind to her singing directly about women with zero male perspective - she said “that’s my man!” We’re good! She’s still straight!

Taylor in the fortnight mv had to a take a sedative to be able to go into the next room and write her bearding songs - ie she self medicates to deal with keeping up the straight persona and to get through having to release dumbed down songs to feed the masses. (I also see the pill as something forced on her, I think it represents both layers)

From the first time I watched the music video I thought the writing Taylor looked so miserable and the bearding songs are why.

In this room she’s trapped, churning out the songs that her fans expect of her, the songs that make her team money, the songs that make her money, but that she has to compromise her truth to create.

But when she frees herself she’ll burn the stories that weren’t true, the filler that doesn’t represent her.

I’m curious to hear other’s thoughts on this - have you ever felt like Taylor purposefully inserts off-sounding lyrics that are written in a different voice to make a point?

I want to reiterate that it’s not the entirety of either song that I think is terrible, I genuinely love bopping along to both So High School and TTPD (track). Like I said above, when you remove the clunky lines from ttpd (track), the song has another layer and likely gives voice to some Karlie insight that is beautiful and tragically profound. It’s the red herrings, the pieces specifically meant to tie this song to a bearding narrative, that I’m dissing, and the only reason they are suspicious in the first place is because I know how gifted Taylor is with the written word.

Taylor is such a skilled writer that she can embody the voice of the bad writer that dismissive ignorant idiots believe her to be, just to make a point!

I even wonder if maybe there is a second version of this song locked away in one of those drawers in the fortnight writing room that leaves out the red herrings and is a thousand times better than the bearding version we got.

I hope one day we get to hear it.

#gaylor #kaylor #bearding #closeting #ttpd #so high school

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meanbossart · 12 days

Text

Another much overdue ask compilation! Some short-ish lore asks (Gale, Gort, DU drow relationships and pet-companion preferences) and a couple of art/advice ones sprinkled in. THIS IS BY NO MEANS ALL OF MY ASKS so as usual I appreciate everyone's patience!

I actually think he'd give them a pass entirely as soon as he noticed. Correct me if I'm mistaken but half-drow get No love from underdark drow and are usually surface babies right? So that fruit is miles away from the tree lol. I think he generally has a bit of a soft spot for mixed kinds since he himself feels like an amalgamation of sorts.

Thank you! They're kind of a pain in the ass to draw at times for that very reason but man I do like the look 😩if other people like it too then that makes it all worth it!

THAT'S TRICKY TO ANSWER BECAUSE OFTEN TIMES I'M NOT... REALLY TRYING. I've draw a ton of horror comics for mine and my partner's series' SAD SACK and SORTIE, so I think it just comes naturally to me 😅 also I do genuinely find expressive and, uh, rugged faces more attractive? (I think they look rugged, again that's what people tell me at least.)

I think the secret might be adding bits of realism in there. I get a lot of comments about the wrinkles and eyelashes I add to my art, as well as the way I draw individual teeth (though I've lately been making an effort to simplify my style in favor of drawing faster, so I haven't done that as much or in as much detail.)

Both symmetry and the lack of it can also add to that effect. I have employed both facial unevenness and almost point-perfect symmetry to achieve something a little frightening or otherworldly in my work. [MORE UNDER THE CUT]

Thank you so much!!! The contrast is very much intentional, that's what DU drow's character is all about ;)

Hahah well I somewhat doubt Bhaal would care that his spawn gets named, but either way he stripped himself of his name as soon as he killed his foster parents and abandoned the Underdark. He had a drow name that I jotted down somewhere but it's completely irrelevant because nobody has used it since he was a child, and he doesn't remember it (even pre-tadpole/having his brain scrambled.) Here's a little write up about his origins that might shed some more light on that: https://meanbossart.tumblr.com/post/739688837431836672/did-drow-ever-have-a-childhood-before-the-temple

And about his original drow-given name and the reason behind it: https://meanbossart.tumblr.com/post/741350986692591616/drow-had-to-have-been-given-a-name-by-his-adoptive

Everyone just referred to him as his supposed race, or as Bhaalspawn or Bhaal's child, and any other similar titles. Orin called him "kin" and "brother" and Gortash likely called him his associate. Post-tadpole the camp grows entirely used to calling him "the drow" and he has no desire to change that or to choose a proper name.

THANK YOU BOTH SO MUCH😭 no reason to be intimidated, I'm just some rando drawing BG3 fan art LOL I've been drawing since I was a child, and started taking it semi-seriously when I was 16 years old, so twelve years ago! That's around the time where I got my first non-display tabled and used that well into my twenties, prior to that I only did stuff on paper and liked to do inks color with pencils. I never really ventured into traditional painting at all except for a little bit of water-coloring in college.

Traditional and Digital art are very much different beasts. Which one you want to start with is, in my opinion, just dependent on what you want to do. Digital art gives you a lot of tools that makes learning easier, but you might find yourself having much steeper of a learning curve if you ever decide to do traditional art instead. If you want to be good at both, you need to practice both, since the skill doesn't entirely translate from one medium to the other.

Naturally you will be able to draw well on either, it's just... Different. I will say though, that I think if you're still learning you should use whatever allows you to look directly at what your hand is doing, so either traditional or display tablet/Ipad. I have no idea what a non-display tablet would do to a beginner, but remembering my experience with it I feel like it might be a huge detriment to developing the skill (feel free to share your experiences in the replies if you disagree, as I would definitely be curious to read them!)

YOU KNOW ME BABY IT WAS MESSY AND COMPLICATED the tldr.: is that they were "buddies", absolutely no romance intended there on either mine or DU drow's part, but due to his nature the friendship was extremely weird.

Here's a couple of replies where I go into more detail about it: https://meanbossart.tumblr.com/post/739191190871818240/i-dont-have-a-particular-question-in-mind-sorry

https://meanbossart.tumblr.com/post/744952815768764416/so-not-sure-if-youve-covered-this-but-i-thought

That's definitely reserved for the vamp LOL DU drow very much enjoys when Astarion teases and fusses over him, and while Astarion probably got a kick out of acting that way around such a big and scary looking guy at first, I think by "now" (later and post-game) he's pretty much immune to DU drow's looks and just enjoys doing it in earnest.

He's not at all averse to being touched (even rather intimately) by close friends, but he wouldn't be quite THAT vulnerable with anyone else.

HE REALLY DISLIKED GALE... He irked him out by seemingly fostering a rather persistent romantic interest in him for at least half the time they spent together (very much based on my interpretation of their in-game interactions at the time, though my Gale might have been a little bugged.)

But also they had a... Fairly in depth relationship still? Gale was a staple in my party, and even though I antagonized him constantly by the end of the game it still felt like they had so much weight in each other's lives, if that makes sense. I might need to do a bit of an "update" on the DU Drow/Gale lore sometime, I feel like I've had some thoughts since that warrant more exploration of their dynamic (you can find a lot of old asks about it if you just search the Gale Dekarios tag in my blog though).

The gist of it is that DU drow found him arrogant and duplicitous, his constant optimist irritated him to no end and felt like it veiled a stream of self-pity (two things DU drow despises) Gale's attempts to get through to him only added insult to injury. By the end of the game he decided to pursue the crown of Karsus and this only lost him even more respect in Drow's eyes, seeing as he doesn't value godly power at all.

I was pretty overwhelmed by the game at the start so I actually missed a lot LOL including Scratch. I did get the owlbear cub though, which DU drow gladly welcomed into camp since it was injured - but I think he would have wished for it to remain a wild animal and to return back to it's home after it had grown up a bit. He didn't really make a "pet" out of it more than he just looked after the little guy in the way it's mother might have, probably with Shadowheart's help.

He wouldn't be opposed to proper pets though if one were to stumble into his life. He'd definitely be more of a cat guy because of their independence and strong little attitudes.

It is very hard to build proper rapport with him. He will be "friendly" to most people who have a good sense of humor about them, but friendSHIP is another thing entirely.

I think it's kind of circumstantial. He's very economical in his relationships and doesn't really seek them out at all - so a situation where he's forced to be in someone's company might be the only way to develop a bond with him, as he doesn't appreciate insistence either and that's more likely to push him away. He doesn't value status or titles either (kind of looks down on them really) so that won't help.

I think he just likes people who are true to themselves and their nature, sometimes even if the nature is one he disagrees with at it's core. This is why he liked Gortash, why he and Shadowheart got along so well, and why him and Astarion fit together so seamlessly despite seeming so different. Likewise I think it's why he didn't jive with people like Gale or Wyll, because they seemed to be rather... Dishonest with themselves and their own end-goals.

#ask compilation #DU drow lore #ask

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jadiealissia · 22 days

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Worldbuilding Countries (Part 1)

I've lived in and visited a few countries in my life, which gave me a lot of inspiration for my fantasy novel. I'm not an expert, but I thought I'd share what I learned!

Climate

The climate will most likely come up at some point. Do you mention the cool breeze, or the orange leaves on the trees? All those nice weather descriptions will depend on the climate!

If you have a couple of different countries, it may be a little weird if they all have the same climate (especially if they are far away from each other), so there's a few things you can consider to make them a bit more specific.

Climate is of course a very complicated topic, so I will simplify it a bit.

Temperature

I like to pick a real country/city and look at its temperature graphs on Wikipedia. One important thing to note is that countries aren't simply colder/warmer than one another. I know a lot of people think that a country like Russia is cold all year round, but it is actually quite warm in summer. Some areas have a larger variation between temperature throughout the year than others (normally, the closer to the equator a country is, the less variation there is. They also tend to be warmer).

Look at Singapore:

The temperatures are basically stable all year round (the letters up top are the months). The numbers are the average minimum and maximum daily temperatures. You can see that on average the variation every day is less than 10°C.

Here is Moscow:

The temperature changes quite a lot throughout the year. Note that the maximum temperatures (summer) will occur at the opposite times of the year in the Southern Hemisphere.

You can see this demonstrated in Copiapo (Chile):

This city is in the Southern hemisphere, so their coldest months are June and July :)

One thing you may have noticed is that the bars here are taller, which means that the variation for the daily min and max are higher too. Why is that? I'm simplifying it a bit, but generally, the dryer a place is, the more variation you will get in daily temperature. Which brings us to the next thing to consider:

Humidity/Precipitation

There are a few things to consider:

Rainfall. This can vary month-by-month, and due to some complicated factors, some countries have more rain in their colder months, some have more rain in their warmer months. Some places don't follow a neat pattern or stay consistent throughout the year. Have a look at climate pages on Wikipedia to get some ideas! Even just this page on Chile has a lot of cool examples. Each city is quite different!

Although of course the "wetness" of a country related to rainfall (e.g. you'd expect greener grass somewhere with more rainfall, brownish dry grass or a desert somewhere with less rainfall), it's not that simple. UK is a wet country, right? And if you've heard of Gold Coast (Australia) it seems pretty dry, right? Well, actually the Gold Coast gets twice as much precipitation (rain) as London!

To demonstrate, I took a screenshot (randomly selected street in each city) from Google Streetview.

Why this difference? I suspect it's because the Gold Coast is much hotter. Living in Australia, puddles are normally gone by the next day (often the rain even evaporates as it hits the ground!), but in UK, the puddles would always stay around for a while.

The UK is always mossy, often the clouds hang in the sky for ages. It can look quite grey. When it rains in the Gold Coast in summer, the raindrops evaporate as soon as they hit the pavement, which makes the air feel very humid and smell strongly of rain. You can use these sorts of sensory details in your stories :)

Also, one thing I noticed, is that in hotter weather, rain can be much more heavy than in colder weather. In Australia we often get heavy rain that causes flooding. In UK the rain usually dribbles all day but doesn't get heavy. In a place like the Gold Coast you can get rain that last 10 minutes but soaks you all the way through and floods the street.

The rainfall may also vary year-by-year. Australia goes through periods of floods and droughts that last a couple of years. The mechanism is a bit complicated so I won't go through it now, but it gives you something to google!

Humidity: Deserts have low humidity, which means that you can cool off more easily in the shade and the nights are colder. The breeze feels more refreshing at low humidity as your sweat evaporates.

High humidity (like Singapore) will feel much hotter at the same temperatures and it is normally still quite hot in the shade. High humidity feels really muggy, the air feels thick. The sweat doesn't evaporate as much, so you are left all wet and sticky. The breeze can feel much less refreshing because of this.

When the temperature is below freezing, the humidity gets very low, so your skin may need more moisturiser or your lips may crack.

Those are just some things to consider while describing your weather!

Generally, closer to the sea will be wetter, further inland is dryer. Have a look at some climate maps on Wikipedia, you will learn a lot! Climate is quite complicated since there are so many factors, so there's a lot you can do with it.

UV: This is one thing that people often forget about when they think about weather. In the UK, even on a very hot and sunny day, you are unlikely to get sunburnt (unless you are very pale). In Australia, you can get sunburnt very easily in even Tasmania, which is our coldest state, even when the temperatures are chilly.

You can't actually feel being sunburnt, which I fully understood when I visited Tasmania. I was freezing, but the whole time I was being sunburnt.

Normally, UV index is higher closer to the equator, which is why people who live closer to the equator tend to have darker skin. The melanin acts as protection against the sun. Still, this protection isn't perfect, so in the real world people in Africa used different methods to protect their skin, such as using clay as a "sunscreen".

Australia has the highest rate of skin cancer in the world. This is partially because most people in Australia have pale skin (originally from the UK), but the UV index is high.

This is something to consider in your story, since it can play a bigger role in behaviour than you'd expect if you live in a cold climate. In Australia, they recommend staying indoors between certain hours of the day to avoid sunburn, and if you do go out you should wear clothes that cover your skin, a wide-brimmed hat and sunscreen. Someone with very pale skin can get sunburnt in minutes. Wide-brimmed hats are compulsory at schools in Australia - you are not allowed to play if you forget your hat.

In low-UV areas, there is the opposite issue. People with darker skin can have problems getting vitamin D. Same goes for people who cover their skin with clothing (e.g. for religious reasons). However, this is a bit simpler to fix with some vitamin D supplements.

How do I use this for worldbuilding?

If you have a map of your countries, you may want to keep their location in mind when deciding on the climate :)

I like to draw up some graphs with the temperatures throughout the year for each country and some quick notes on the humidity, rainfall and UV.

You can also add some other elements to your story. Is it a fantasy? Maybe magic affects the weather! Sci-fi? You can play with the distance of the planet from the sun, axial tilt, sun size etc. (I won't go into that since it's a whole another topic and really complicated as well)

You probably don't need to know the exact details of the climate for most stories, but having a general idea will allow you to consistently describe what sorts of clothing your characters wear, the weather etc. Those are the sorts of things that comes up in almost every story (if it's long enough).

If you read this and found this useful, please reblog so I know that it was helpful. If it seems like people enjoyed this post, I will make more (I was going to talk about so much more, but this is already too long).

#writeblr #writeblr community #creative writing #world building #writing tips #writing resources #writing advice #how to write #fantasy #science fiction #climate #writing #novel writing #comic writing #worldbuilding #fantasy worldbuilding #fantasy world #writing community #writer stuff

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leejihoonownsmyheart · 1 year

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The Art of Humiliation (M)

Part two of Pathetic series (you guys responded so positively to Pathetic I cranked this out as fast as I could 🫡 and I think it is of good quality)

Simplified tags: 7.7k words, Porn with Plot, frat boy!Jeonghan, college student!y/n, best friend!Jeongyeon, soft!dom to hard!dom Jeonghan, mean!Jeonghan (and y/n loves it), submissive!y/n, female!y/n (sorry gender-neutral friends), heavy degradation, light masochist!y/n, sadist!Jeonghan, mild pain kink, vaginal fingering, cunnulingus, creampie, spitting, slapping, spitting, mentions of safe words but they’re never used, big dick!Jeonghan, blowjob, slight public play, phone sex, y/n has a humiliation kink, mentions of aftercare but I don’t write it happening he just says what he’ll do

Officially dub con but off the book I think the consent is pretty explicit, again just tagging it so because it is an intense fic.

Guys I didn’t think I could outdo the filth that is Pathetic, but I really think I did and I don’t think I’ll be able to top this.

“Yoon Jeonghan?” Jeongyeon blurted, dropping her burger onto her tray. You shushed her not wanting the entire University cafeteria to know exactly what you had gotten up to on Friday night.

“Sorry, it’s just…” Jeongyeon whistled. “Jeonghan sleeps with a lot of people but not just anyone. And you- you don’t ever sleep with strangers.”

“It was a frat party,” you grumbled. “Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do at frat parties?”

“That’s what I do at frat parties,” Jeongyeon corrected. “But you? I don’t know it’s just uncharacteristic.”

“Yeah,” you agreed. “Maybe… Can we just focus back on the food?”

Jeongyeon sighed and picked her burger back up between for fingers. She went to take a bite but stopped.

“Are you going to see him again?”

You choked on your sprite.

“See Jeonghan?” You blurted. Your head dropped, your face burning red. Now you were the one too loud. “I highly doubt he’ll want to sleep with me again. Doesn’t he… Sleep around a lot?”

“Yeah,” Jeongyeon agreed, nodding her head slowly. “I don’t think he’s ever slept with anyone twice.”

You shook your head in disbelief.

“Imagine being so attractive that you have that many people at your disposal willing to sleep with you,” you said in awe. “I bet his one night stands beg him for a second turn.”

“Is he actually that good?” Jeongyeon asked, her eyebrows briefly disappearing beneath her bangs. “I always assumed that the rumors were dramatized.”

You snorted.

“No, not dramatized at all,” you said with a shake of your head. “I never thought a man would make me come.”

“See, that’s the good thing about Jimin,” Jeongyeon said. “As much as I hate to say it- He uses his fingers very well.”

You rolled your eyes at the mention of Jeongyeon’s enemy but that was all the commentary you placed on it.

“I suppose if he reached out and wanted to…” you trailed off, one of your fingers subconsciously brushing against one of the bruises that he had left on your hips. On the bright side of the whole night, he hadn’t left any visible bruises on you.

You swallowed a little too hard, remembering the way that he had looked at you as he drilled into you.

Maybe the lack of visible bruises was a con.

“It doesn’t matter,” you said dismissively. “Everyone knows that Jeonghan doesn’t fuck the same person twice.”

“You look troubled,” Seungcheol observed. Jeonghan sighed, a bit dramatically he would admit, and rested his head on his hand.

“I guess.”

“Last night’s girl not up to your standards?” Jihoon observed. Jeonghan shrugged.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this but, my already boring escapades have felt even more boring since our party last week,” Jeonghan admitted. Jihoon’s eyebrows shot up.

“Really? Since you stole y/n from Chan?”

Jeonghan nodded, not even bothering to argue the statement that he had stolen you. Even though it wasn’t remotely true.”

“She…” He trailed off. “Well, she was everything I wanted and more.”

“Romantic,” Seokmin commented, knowing full well it wasn’t that.

“Well? Are you gonna sleep with her again?” Seungcheol pressed. “Is she the long awaited…” He took a deep sigh of regret before saying: “Whore?”

“I don’t sleep with anyone twice,” Jeonghan dismissed. “She’ll be out of my system by the time I get the next girl in my bed.”

The room groaned.

“And here I thought our school population was finally safe.”

Jeonghan rolled his eyes, his thoughts turning back to you.

He wondered what he would do if he were to find himself in the same room as you again.

“Alpha Mu, Alpha Mu, Alpha Mu,” Jeongyeon chanted, running around the small dorm room excitedly. You rolled your eyes at her, trying to bat away her hands.

“Come on, can’t I have one Friday night of peace?”

“Jimin was-”

Your threw your hand over Jeongyeon’s mouth, your eyes wide.

“I’ll come if you just promise not to tell me whatever dumb thing Jimin did.”

Jeongyeon’s tongue darted out to the palm of your hand, making you squeal in protest. Jeongyeon just smiled sheepishly at you.

“Alpha Mu!”

You didn’t really understand why Jeongyeon insisted on inviting you to these parties, because she almost never actually spent any time with you at the them. Jeongyeon dragged you into the party, tugging down your short skirt, fluffing your hair and readjusting your crop top before dropping you off with Kim Mingyu and rushing to Jun’s side.

Mingyu was a nice guy. Fun to be around at parties when you were drinking, but you weren’t in the mood for a hangover when you knew you had to work tomorrow. You ended up just wandering away from him.

There wasn’t anyone at this party that you knew- that was practically immediately noticeable.

Sure, there were familiar faces, but aside from the Alpha Mu boys, you couldn’t really name anyone. You couldn’t even name all of the boys in Alpha Mu.

You had been at the party for about an hour, considering just leaving before your eyes fell on just the person that you had been hoping you would see.

Jeonghan was standing, a water bottle in hand as he tucked his dark hair behind his ears. He smiled at Soonyoung, saying something that you couldn’t make out.

You looked away from Jeonghan.

This was why you hadn’t wanted to go to the party. You knew that you would see Jeonghan and you knew that you would want him all over again. Just looking at him you felt your core begin to heat, wondering what he would do if he put his hands on you again.

It didn’t help that you had stupidly avoided touching yourself all week. Your thought process had been something that you could only blame on mind break. You were so drunk on the idea of Jeonghan’s dick that you had refused to do what he should be doing yourself.

You risked a glance back at Jeonghan, hoping that no one would notice the look. You were desperate for his attention and at the same time terrified for him to notice you.

But you supposed you weren’t doing a good job of hiding the fact that you couldn’t keep your eyes off of Jeonghan. You felt someone nudge into you, shooting you a sharp glare.

“Are you looking at Yoon Jeonghan?” The girl snapped. Your eyebrows furrowed slightly.

“Maybe,” you said. You felt your chin tilt up slightly, trying to show this girl that you were obviously much taller than her. You weren’t really sure what she wanted, but you could tell by the way she was looking at you that she was ready to fight you if needed. “Why do you care?”

“Because I’m going home with him tonight,” the girl said back. “So stop eyeing him up like you have a chance.”

You scoffed, unable to help it.

“I think you’d break in half if you went home with Yoon Jeonghan,” you insisted. “There’s no way you could handle him.”

“Oh, I get it,” the girl replied, not even hesitating between responses. A small smile crept on her face. “You’re one of his used toys. He tossed you aside because you weren’t good enough and now you want what you can’t have.”

The girl laughed, and flipped her long dark hair out of her face, hitting yours with it.

“Well, at least one of us will be of use to Jeonghan tonight. After all, everyone knows...” She leaned close to your ear. “He doesn’t double dip.”

She turned away from you and began to walk away from you. You watched her, your chest heaving as you tried to calm yourself down. Your face was burning red, and your fingers were balled at your side.

You watched as she walked up to Jeonghan, placing her hand on Jeonghan’s chest. She slipped her hand beneath the collar of his shirt, getting on her toes so that she could brush her lips against his cheek.

Jeonghan didn’t seem upset by the touch but he seemed surprised. His arm came around the girl, his hand falling on the small of her back. He murmured something to her, his eyes trailing around the room as if to try and find the reason for her sudden affection.

His eyes stopped when they fell on you.

You cleared your throat in surprise, turning your attention away from the two to try and make it seem like you weren’t looking and like you weren’t jealous, but when you glanced back towards him, he was still staring at you.

His eyebrow quirked when your gazes met and he tilted his face down so that his lips were against the girl from before’s ears.

He whispered something to her, something that made her look embarrassed and glance over at you. You looked away quickly, but you could feel eyes still on you.

You needed to disappear.

You wandered over to the punch bowl, picking up a cup. You looked at the liquid in the bowl, unable to help the way that your fingers tightened around the cup in frustration.

God, how pathetic were you to be wet? Jeonghan hadn’t even done anything to you. He was spending all of his time paying attention to that dumb girl and yet… If he asked-

“Someone looks frustrated.”

You glanced over your shoulder, surprised to see a man you had never seen before. You squinted at him, trying to place him even as someone you passed in the halls but he was ringing no bells. He seemed to notice your confusion and held out his hand. “Yongtae.”

Your nose wrinkled slightly.

“Not interested,” you commented. Yongtae laughed in surprise, throwing his hands in the air.

“I hadn’t even proposed anything yet.”

You sighed. He was right, but still. You didn’t really want Jeonghan to see you talking to someone else. It was stupid but if he did, it might dissuade him from fucking you again. You furrowed your eyebrows in frustration.

“I suppose not.”

Still you put a little bit of space between the two of you.

“Your boyfriend must be pretty possessive for you to be so closed off to a guy talking to you at a party,” Yongtae observed. He took a cup from the table and lifted it towards you. “I mean as he should be. Look at you.”

He gestured towards you.

“The short skirt? The crop top? People are practically fighting to keep their eyes off of you,” Yongtae continued, turning his hand to wave and to the crowd. “I hope I don’t sound too much like a pig.”

“I’ll certainly complain about this conversation to my best friend,” you commented. He nodded, scrunching his nose.

“Deserved. Sorry.”

He was silent for a moment.

“But if you have a possessive boyfriend that makes you not even want to talk to other people at parties, why is he making you stand alone?”

“Have you ever thought that maybe I don’t want to talk to you for my own reasons?” You snapped. Yongtae’s eyes widened slightly.

“Okay, okay, sore topic,” he agreed. “Look. I’m just super bored. The Alpha Mu boys are practically untouchable. I don’t know anyone here.”

“Look, I-” You sighed. “You seem... Better than most people here.” That wasn’t saying much. “But I’m not looking for company tonight.”

“But... We could talk another time?” Yongtae asked. “I’m new to school, I don’t really know anyone. Genuinely just need a friend to talk to.”

Your eyebrows furrowed at him but you couldn’t really find malice in his eyes. Yongtae proceeded to produce a sharpie.

“Have a paper?”

You shook your head, offering him your arm instead.

“I’ll just lose a paper.”

Yeongtae seemed surprised by the suggestion but didn’t hesitate to take the sharpie and write his phone number on your arm. You looked down at the numbers and nodded.

“Okay, cool. I’ll call you.”

“What do you want to do?” Yeongtae asked, leaning on the table beside him.

“Get lunch or something... I don’t know...” You trailed off. “I need to keep moving.”

“Who are you worried about seeing you anyways?” Yeongtae’s eyes trailed through the room. “The only one looking at you right now is Yoon Jeonghan.”

Your eyes widened, and you tightened your grip on the cup.

“Fuck can I-” You looked down at the drink in your cup. “Can I throw this on you?”

Yeongtae’s eyebrows rose in surprise.

“Well, I guess-”

You threw the drink in his face practically instantly.

“Now stop talking to me!” You said loudly. Then, a little quieter: “I’ll text you or something.”

You turned away from Yeongtae on your heel and once again pushed through the party before stopping in the corner. Your face was hot with the stress of having been caught talking to Yeongtae. You were so screwed.

If Jeonghan had been even considering sleeping with you tonight, those thoughts were in the dust now. You hadn’t been good enough. You wanted to scream. Jeonghan was going to go home with that stupid bimbo and she was going to be just like you were the week before: Desperate and begging for his cock.

“What are you doing here?” You looked up, your mouth going dry when you realized who was standing in front of you. You stepped back, eyes wide.

“Je-Jeonghan,” you managed to get out. Your eyes dropped to the ground and you cleared your throat. ”Jeongyeon brought me.”

“Ah, yeah, I thought I saw her earlier,” he agreed. You looked back up at him, noticing that he had you fixed under an intense gaze. “She always finds someone to take home. I suppose you’ll need a place to stay tonight.”

“I’m practically used to hiding underneath my comforter,” you said with a sigh. “What about you? I saw you hanging out with that girl.”

“Who?” He asked, his eyebrows raising. “You mean, Chaedom? She was in the books. But she seemed to think she had some competition... What do you think? Do you think she has competition?”

As Jeonghan spoke he stepped closer to you, his arm wrapping around your body. He tugged you up close to his chest.

“I don’t know,” you said quietly. “I think... I think that you shouldn’t take her back to your place.”

“You sound jealous. Do you think I’m yours just because we spent one night together?” Jeonghan sounded amused as he spoke. “Don’t you know?”

“You don’t fuck anyone twice,” you replied immediately. “I know.”

Your eyes dropped back to the ground, obsessed with the feeling of Jeonghan’s hands on your exposed back. You cleared your throat.

“I just... Haven’t been able to stop thinking about you, is all.”

Jeonghan hummed.

“Do you think you even deserve to be fucked again?” He asked you. “Do you really think that you deserve that?”

Your face was burning all over again.

“I mean...” You trailed off. “I would try my best to make it worth your while.”

Jeonghan’s fingers dipped underneath your shirt, searching for your bra. You looked up at him, just as he realized what you knew he would.

“You’re not even wearing..” He interrupted himself with a laugh. “Why’d you turn down that guy earlier, huh? He seemed like he would have taken you if had let him. That’s all you want isn’t it? Just a little bit of cock to fill that stupid cunt.”

A shiver wrecked through your body. You started to feel even more of your body warm, your fingers itching to touch Jeonghan the way that he was touching you.

“I didn’t want his cock,” you murmured. “I want yours.”

Jeonghan snorted.

“Beg for it.”

Your eyes widened at the request, but you weren’t above doing so.

“Jeonghan, I really want you to fuck me,” you spoke immediately. You hesitantly raised your hand to his chest. “I’ll do whatever you want me to. I’ll take you however you want. I just need you. I’ll be better then that stupid bitch would be in a million years. And-”

You raised yourself up a little so that you were closer to Jeonghan’s height. You lightly breathed in his face.

“Not a drop of liquor-” Jeonghan interrupted you by raising his hands to the back of your neck, smashing your lips together. You immediately melted into his touch. “Please, choose me,” you mumbled into his mouth. “I’ll be so good, anything you want-”

Jeonghan raised his grip to your hair, pulling back sharply.

“You-”

His eyes trailed down your body before suddenly stopping.

Jeonghan’s eyes darkened as he grabbed you by the forearm, sharply exposing your arm for him to see.

“What’s this?” He demanded. “You were being good all night but clearly I missed something.”

“That’s just-” You stammered over yourself trying to find your words. “He just wanted to be friends. I told him I wasn’t interested in anything else.”

Jeonghan didn’t look very convinced.

“Get it off.”

Your eyebrows shot up.

“What?”

“Get. It. Off,” Jeonghan repeated.

He didn’t have to say it again. You were quick to rush through the party, desperately searching for the kitchen. You rummaged through the cupboards, trying to find something that would help get it off. Why had you let that man write in sharpie on your arm? Why hadn’t you just taken his phone number in your phone? Where you stupid?

You found an alcohol wipe and grabbed it, rubbing frantically at your arm. The color faded but, unfortunately, didn’t completely disappear. You rushed to the sink and grabbed a sponge and some soap, rubbing your arm desperately with the sponge under some hot water. You scrubbed at it quickly, but despite your efforts the most it did was smudge the numbers.

You felt frantic but before you could try even more you felt yourself get roughly grabbed. You turned around to find Jeonghan standing there.

He exposed your forearm to himself and snorted.

“Stupid slut.”

He pulled you close to him again, looking down at you with narrowed eyes.

“You want to be fucked tonight?” He hissed at you. Despite it all you nodded eagerly.

“Please.”

As Jeonghan dragged you through the party he mumbled to you a few things, the most important of all those things being a safe word.

“If you use it at any point of the night I will stop immediately. No shame in my actions being too much for you, okay? No matter what I won’t be upset at you.”

You nodded. He made you promise that you knew what the word was, making you repeat it at nauseam before finally you were in his room and he was slamming the door shut behind you two.

“Now strip.”

You practically ripped your clothes off, excited to find that once you had turned around Jeonghan’s clothes were off too. You tried to hide your excitement but your core was burning in a way that was practically uncomfortable. You needed to be touched so badly, but you had to be patient.

Jeonghan wandered to his bed, sitting at the edge, with his legs spread wide.

“Come here-” You took a step forward but before you could get far, Jeonghan raised a finger in the air.

“No, no, no,” he laughed. “Crawl.”

Your eyes widened but you dropped down to your hands and knees, crawling over to Jeonghan. He laughed at you again, shaking his head.

“You’re so pathetic,” he said. “Don’t you have any sense of shame? You’d really crawl for me huh?”

Once you had closed the distance between the two of you, you situated yourself in between Jeonghan’s knees. His eyebrows furrowed at you and he roughly grabbed your chin.

“I spoke to you,” he snapped. “I expect an answer, or I will force an answer out of you.”

“I would do anything for you,” you replied immediately. “Ask me to do anything and I’ll do it, I will, I just need you to touch me.”

Jeonghan snorted, pulling his hands away from you.

“Then prove you deserve it,” he stated. “Come on, show me how good you can be. Can you take my cock like you did last time huh?”

You nodded.

“I can, I will-”

You wrapped your fingers around the base of his cock, your mouth practically drooling as you looked at his long thick cock. You whined, as you raised your eyes back up to him.

“Can I... Can I please suck your cock?” You begged. Jeonghan’s hum was guttural.

“You better be good.”

You eagerly sucked the tip of Jeonghan’s cock into your mouth, and began to tease the slit on the tip of his cock with your tongue. Your could feel wetness seeping out of your pussy as you sucked his cock into your mouth, but you did your best to ignore that agonizing urge to be fucked. You began to work more of his cock into your mouth but Jeonghan sighed.

“I appreciate that you are trying to be a stupid little tease, and I admire the fact that you are trying to be good and patient but every other girl I’ve slept with has been so fucking unsatisfying.”

He tightened his fingers in your hair, ripping you off his cock.

“I’m going to use your throat like a fucking flesh light. You think you can handle that?”

You nodded excitedly, your fingers curling and uncurling against his thighs.

“Please.”

He smiled.

“And what should you do if you need me to stop?”

“Tap your thigh twice,” you replied immediately.

“Good girl,” he said, his voice airy. “You remember so well.”

He guided your mouth back to his cock and you opened your mouth obediently.

Jeonghan roughly pushed you all the way down on his cock. You gagged immediately but reminded yourself that you needed to breathe through your nose. You were quick to gather yourself, but just as you were getting comfortable Jeonghan was pulling you up on his cock and practically slamming you back down. He placed his hands on the sides of your face so that he had a better grip and true to his word began to use you as if you were nothing but a toy. His grunts filled the room, tumbling out of his mouth in a way that only made yourself leak more on Jeonghan’s floor.

“I want you to touch yourself whore,” Jeonghan said. “You want that don’t you? Your stupid pussy needs some attention. Go on and touch yourself for me.”

You lowered one of your shaking hands between your thighs, your fingers pressing on your clit. You moaned out at the feeling, and began to rub your clit in small circles, careful not to stimulate yourself too much, knowing that it would just make you cum.

“I don’t want you to just play with your clit,” he snapped. “I want you to fucking fuck yourself as if I’m fucking you.”

Jeonghan pulled your face off of his cock and you gasped for air, nodding.

“Right, I’m sorry,” you mumbled. Jeonghan’s hand lowered to your chin, his fingers spreading your spit all over your face. You looked at him, panting as you slid two fingers into your pussy. A whine left your lips at the feeling.

“You sure this isn’t too much?” Jeonghan asked, his voice soft like it had been after you two had finished last time. “Your mascara’s running.”

“I’m sorry,” you apologized. You raised your free hand to wipe away the tears that you hadn’t even realized were running down your face but Jeonghan’s hand caught yours.

“Don’t apologize,” Jeonghan said. “I like how it makes you look. Pathetic.”

You felt your face heat at his words, knowing that it wasn’t necessarily a compliment but it felt like one anyways.

“Get up on the bed,” Jeonghan said after a moment. Your eyes widened and you pulled your fingers out of yourself scrambling onto the edge of the bed. Jeonghan hummed, getting down on the floor himself.

“My biggest regret from last time?” Jeonghan asked, his voice low again. “Not getting to taste your pretty little cunt.”

Jeonghan situated himself between your knees this time, pressing your thighs apart with the palm of his hands.

“God, your cunt is gorgeous you know that? For a slut you are so fucking beautiful. Impossible not to stare at you at a party,” Jeonghan mumbled. “Can’t imagine how many boners men must get when they see you.”

He reached forward, his fingers sliding between your leaking folds.

“And if they knew how dirty you are? I would have trouble keeping you to myself,” Jeonghan commented. You moaned as two of his fingers slipped into you. He pulled them out and slid them between his lips. A smile crossed his lips. “And if they knew how good you taste?”

Jeonghan leaned forward, his tongue darting out to flick over your clit. You whined, leaning back as his lips attached themselves to your clit. He sucked hard on it for a few seconds before his mouth trailed down.

He always criticized you for being sloppy but he wasn’t any different. He practically devoured you, his fingers digging into your ass as he held your pussy as close to his mouth as he could. He dipped his tongue into you and flicked your clit, and practically sucked you dry.

You couldn’t help the tears that sprouted from your eyes at the pure pleasure.

“Jeo-Jeonghan,” you stuttered out. “I can’t- I’m going to-”

You panted hard, forcing yourself to keep focus.

“I’m going to c-cum. Can I? Can I-”

Jeonghan growled against your lips.

“You want to come all over my face?” He murmured against your pussy sending vibrations through your core. “You think you deserve to be the first to come?”

You shook your head no, even though Jeonghan couldn’t see what you were doing at all and he didn’t really seem to care.

“Come all over my face baby,” Jeonghan mumbled. “Let yourself go. Don’t think about anything. Just think about how much you love my mouth on your cunt.”

Your fingers clenched tightly at the bed sheets as your thighs shook around Jeonghan’s head. You felt your pussy clenching as you came all over Jeonghan’s mouth.

You were sure he would be mad at you for it but instead he wiped his lips with his hand and then pressed two fingers into you.

“You’re so messy,” Jeonghan mumbled. “Can’t help your cunt leaking out everywhere. I make you like that don’t I? Desperate and wet.”

You mewled as he slowly worked those two fingers in and out of you, the sensitivity at having just come starting to disappear.

“Fucked stupid and I haven’t even actually fucked you yet,” Jeonghan mumbled, his eyes narrowing slightly as he looked at you. Your brain was already starting to feel a little hazy but you tried your best to focus on Jeonghan’s face, on his eyes.

“You know this is your fault right?” He asked you softly. “You’re fault that your making a mess all over my room, your fault that I’m hard, your fault that I have to punish you for being such a slut and letting another man write on your arm.”

As he spoke he accentuated each word with a deep press of his fingers into you, curling them deep inside of you. You moaned loudly in surprise, your fingers clenching the sheets so tightly you felt like your fingers were gonna break.

“Jeonghan,” you murmured, your face burning. “I don’t want your fingers.”

Jeonghan’s expression darkened and he roughly thrust his fingers into you. You cried out.

“You think you get to decide what you get? Are you about to tell me you want my cock? Pathetic whore thinks she deserves to get off on my cock?”

Your toes curled as Jeonghan pushed his fingers impossibly deep inside you.

“I’m s-sorry,” you managed to get out. “But pl-please. I want to make you feel good so badly.”

You felt tears of frustration sprouting in your eyes again as you tried to fight your own hazy pleasure to focus on the overall goal you were trying to achieve.

“You think that a little cock sleeve like you is good enough for me?” Jeonghan asked. “I could fuck anyone at the party and come to the same outcome… What makes you think you’re special?”

“I don’t,” you responded instantly, your thighs shaking. “But please Jeonghan, I’m here. I’m the closest. I’m the easiest. I’m currently at your disposal, use me, please. I’m yours.”

Jeonghan’s fingers came to a still inside of you and your eyes widened, worried you had said something wrong. He leaned forward, dragging you into a hard kiss.

“I like hearing you say that… You’re mine…” He pulled back, slipping his fingers out of you and giving your pussy a smack.

“Fuck.”

“On all fours. Now. Before I find someone else to finish me off.”

You didn’t think you had ever turned around so quickly. You pressed your head down into the sheets, shifting your knees apart so that you were spread out for Jeonghan. He hummed, one of his hands rubbing over your ass.

“You’re so lucky that I’m wasting my time on you,” he mumbled. He slapped your ass, so hard your whole body jolted and then rubbed his hand back over the spot. Before you could think too much about his words he was sliding his cock into you: fast and hard. “Thank me for my cock.”

“Thank you,” you gasped out. “Thank you so much Jeonghan, I need this so badly.”

“It’s almost disgusting how desperate you are,” Jeonghan chided. He slowly pulled his cock out of you and then slammed it back in. Again your whole body jolted, and you struggled to keep yourself upright. “Are you finally happy? Finally sated with my cock in you?”

“Yes,” you admitted desperately. You could hear the smile in Jeonghan’s chuckle as his fingers dug into your hips.

“You’re such a good little slut.”

If you had thought Jeonghan had fucked you hard last time, he was a literal animal this time around. His thrusts were sloppy but they were so hard and deep that it was making tears roll down your cheeks with every thrust as your body buzzed with pleasure.

You couldn’t think about the party you had abandoned, or think about the pride that you had certsinly left at the door. No, all you could think about was Jeonghan’s grunts and moans and practical growls as they filled the otherwise quiet room.

Suddenly, Jeonghan grabbed something. He thrust his hands forward, holding out a phone.

“Call him.”

Your eyes widened.

“What?” You blurted.

“Call the guy who you let write on your arm,” Jeonghan hissed. You failed to take Jeonghan’s phone fast enough and his fingers buried in your hair, pulling you back by it. “Your orgasm depends on this phone call, so you better make your decision fast.”

If you were thinking clearly, you would have probably safe worded and gotten out of the phone call. You would be crazy, after all, to willingly call someone you had just met while getting railed by some frat boy.

But you weren’t think clearly. You were with Yoon Jeonghan.

You clumsily took the phone in your hands, heavy pants leaving your lips as Jeonghan relentlessly pounded into you. You looked down at your arm, the smeared numbers barely being intelligible. You typed in the numbers with shaking hands, putting the call on speaker phone.

The phone rang and you silently begged for him not to answer. Jeonghan was in no way easing his pace on you. His hand still fisted in your hair as he bounced you on his cock, driving so deep inside you that you were once again barely able to think, much less able to hold the phone to your face.

Unluckily for you, the phone rings stopped and a “hello?” Echoed out from the phone’s speakers.

“Tell him who it is,” Jeonghan instructed. You nodded the best you could.

“It’s uh, it’s y/n from the party,” you managed to get out trying to keep your voice steady. The effort was not lost on Jeonghan, his hand came down on your ass and you yelped.

“Tell him what you’re doing,” Jeonghan continued. Your eyes screwed shut as your face blazed with embarrassment.

“I’m getting f-fucked,” you stammered out.

“Uh…” Yeongtae was at a loss for words it seemed. But then again, that was fair. You had no clue how you would react if you were to get this phone call. You hoped that he would just hang up.

“Tell him why, tell him who.”

“It’s by Yoon Jeonghan. I’m getting fucked by Yoon Jeonghan and he made me call you because I was bad for letting you write your number on my arm.”

Tears sprouted at the corners of your eyes. Not because the call was too much but because you were so desperate to come. Desperate for Jeonghan’s approval in your actions.

“It’s my pussy I’m fucking, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” you cried out in agreement. “My pussy belongs to Yoon Jeonghan. I belong to Yoon Jeonghan.”

“What a little slut,” Jeonghan chided with a few clicks. “Tell him how much you enjoy this, hm? Tell him how you get off on me hitting you and telling you how pathetic you are why don’t you?”

“I-I-“ You tried to get the words out but you were so blissed out you could barely keep your head straight. “Jeonghan, Jeonghan, please.”

You were babbling nonsense at that point, and it earned you a slap across your face.

“Do what I tell you to,” Jeonghan reasserted.

“I’m sorry, I love this so much Yeongtae. I love it when Jeonghan humiliates me and hits me and treats like a whore,” you blurted out. “It’s all I could think about tonight. I need his cum so badly. I-“

Before you could finish Jeonghan hooked his fingers into your mouth.

“Shut up.”

His grip in your hair loosened and you fell forward on the bed, gagging around Jeonghan’s fingers. He sighed and with his now free hand took the phone from your hand.

“You can be friends with y/n all you want,” Jeonghan said suddenly, his voice gruff. “But she is mine to fuck. Only one person is good enough to make her like this and that’s me. So if you have any other intentions with her you can fucking forget about it.”

You heard Jeonghan toss the phone to the side and he grabbed you by your forearms.

“Aren’t you even the least embarrassed of what you just did?” Jeonghan taunted. “What do you think Yeongtae is going to think of you now? He isn’t going to think you’re some innocent little girl is he?”

You didn’t respond. You didn’t physically think you could anymore. You just let moan after moan leave your lips, your head hanging at the pure stimulation.

“But he will know that you are a very good little slut.”

He lowered one of his arms, his fingers pressing firmly down on your clit. You cried out at the contact.

“J-Jeonghan I need to come, please let me come today,” you begged lightly. “I haven’t come since the last time we fucked.”

Jeonghan leaned forward, pressing his chest to your back. He hummed against your cheek.

“Really?” He asked, a pleased tone leaving his lips. “Not even when you were alone? Touching yourself?”

Your face blazed hot.

“I didn’t...” You trailed off. “I didn’t touch myself all week.”

Jeonghan’s hips stuttered against you, his breath hitching.

“You’re lying,” he whispered.

“I’m not!” You cried out. “I needed you to tell me I could. I need you to let me or else I c-can't.”

Jeonghan scoffed.

“Stupid whore,” he mumbled but even as he said it. You felt his cock pulsing inside of you. “Can’t do anything unless I tell you to. Can’t do anything without me to help you do it. Go on then, come you stupid whore. I guess you deserve it.”

You felt yourself go limp against Jeonghan as pleasure washed over your body. For a few seconds you felt like you had stopped breathing, only able to blabber Jeonghan’s name on repeat as you quite literally milked Jeonghan’s cock. Only a few seconds after you had regained sensation, you felt Jeonghan’s cum begin to squirt deep into you. You arched your back in pleasure at the feeling, expecting Jeonghan to ease up on you, but instead he just pushed your face down in the sheets, his palm on your cheek.

You whined, your body shaking at the over stimulation but instead of safe wording, your fingers tightened in the sheets. You began to mumble thank you’s, defaulting into the mode of making Jeonghan cum.

Jeonghan’s grunts filled the air as he pummeled your pussy, only lasting a minute before he spilled his cum in you all over again. Jeonghan’s thrust started to slow down, but the feeling of being so full of his cum was absolutely intoxicating. Jeonghan slid out of you, sitting back on the bed, his hands holding him up but before he could completely relax you straddled him, lowering yourself down on his cock.

“I know, I know,” you babbled as you sunk down on his cock. Your breath hitched as his cum got push deeper into you again. You pressed your hands on his shoulders and began to shakily raise yourself up before dropping yourself back down on his cock. “I just n-need more cum. I need you to feel really, really good. I need to be better than every other person you’ve ever slept with I-”

Before you could finish Jeonghan’s fingers gripped on your hips and he stilled your motions. For a second you thought you were going to really get it. You tentatively raised your eyes to Jeonghan’s, only to find that they were glossed over, and a small smile was on his lips.

“No one I’ve ever fucked has taken three loads from me before,” he said.

He began to raise you up and down on his cock, his fingers digging bruises back into your hips. His movements were hard and rushed and a little clumsy but your moans and incoherent begging dragged a third orgasm out of him anyways.

“I know you want to,” Jeonghan mumbled in your ear as he fucked you. “Go on- Come again. You deserve it.”

You obliged instantly, unable to believe that you were given a whole third orgasm. Your arms wrapped around Jeonghan’s chest as you came again, pure bliss warming your body.

You and Jeonghan were silent for a while, your chests rising and falling against one another. After a few minutes Jeonghan lowered the two of you down in his bed, his limp cock still keeping his cum from seeping out of you.

You weren’t really sure what you were allowed to do. With former boyfriends, there was no question that you would cuddle into them. Maybe even fall asleep. But this was Yoon Jeonghan and you had managed to even exhaust him. What was the protocol?

You unsurely tilted your head up, intending on glancing at Jeonghan. Maybe you needed to suck it up and get out of his bed? But you were startled to find that he was looking down at you with a surprised expression on his face.

You blinked.

“What?” You asked him, suddenly acutely aware of everything that you had let Jeonghan do.

“Just wondering what to do with you,” Jeonghan replied, his voice soft. One of his hands lowered to your face and he closed his thumb and index finger on your jaw. He moved your face from one side to the other.

You didn’t do anything to stop him- Honestly feeling the pit of your stomach coil at being so casually toyed with.

“You’ll just let me do anything to you, won’t you?” He asked.

“I have limits,” you insisted with a roll of your eyes. “You’ll just haven’t pushed me there yet.”

Jeonghan loosened his grip on you his thumb brushing your bottom lip. He pulled your lip down.

“Can I hit you?” He asked.

“We’re alone,” you replied. “You don’t have to ask.”

Jeonghan’s hand came across your cheek, but it wasn’t as much of a slap as it was a sharp pat. He squeezed your chin again between his fingers.

“Good girl,” he mumbled. “You’d do anything for me wouldn’t you?”

You wished you could look away from Jeonghan but even if you wanted to, his grip was tight.

“Jeonghan, you’re embarrassing me,” you murmured, your voice quiet. Jeonghan laughed and his grip loosened on your chin so that you could look away.

“Sorry, sorry. I’m just genuinely surprised. I’ve never slept with someone who let me do so much to them and liked it so much. I’m starting to think you don’t remember our safe word.”

You repeated the safe word under your breath, just to prove that you still knew it.

“Where does the control stop?” Jeonghan asked. “How often can I do this sort of thing to you?”

That earned Jeonghan your gaze back.

“How often...” You trailed off. “Like, we’re going to do this again?”

You couldn’t keep yourself from being surprised.

“But you never sleep with anyone twice?”

“We’re not going to be dating really,” Jeonghan said. “If you agree with it, I mean, but I want to see you at parties. I want you to be my eye candy. I don’t want you fucking other people.”

You nodded.

“Done, done, and done,” you agreed. “You can be controlling in public. I don’t mind the way that you physically move me around, and I like it when your grip is tight on me because you don’t like the attention I’m getting...”

You trailed off.

“But you can’t hit me in public. You have to let me talk to who I want to. The reaction with Yeongtae was...” You cleared your throat. “Hot... As long as you don’t actually mind me talking to him.”

“You’re going to talk to Yeongtae after that phone call?” Jeonghan asked, his voice high.

“Absolutely not, I’d rather die,” you laughed. “But you know what I mean.”

You glanced away from him.

“I... You...” You sighed. “I don’t think any man has ever made me come before,” you admitted. “I’d do anything to still be your fuck buddy.”

Jeonghan stared at you for a little bit.

“Give me a phrase for if I’m doing too much in public.” Jeonghan stated. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable in a way that you don’t like.”

“I think Jennie texted me,” you replied instantly. Jeonghan nodded, his eyes drifting to the side for a moment in thought.

“Done.”

Jeonghan’s hand slid down to your neck, his thumb pushing up your chin. His nose brushed against yours and he pressed his lips to yours. It wasn’t chaste like you were used to after sex. It was heavy, controlling, almost as if Jeonghan wanted to turn you back on all over again.

But before he could do much his lips pulled away from yours and his thumb rubbed your neck.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been so drained by a partner,” Jeonghan said with a laugh. He shifted, slipping his cock out of you. You whined in protest, but Jeonghan completely ignored you. He pulled away from you, stretching once he was standing upright.

“Don’t fall asleep,” he said. “You have to take a shower.”

You groaned in protest.

“I don’t need it. I’m fine.”

Jeonghan rolled his eyes and without warning dipped two of his fingers into your pussy, pushing his cum deeper inside of you. You mewled at the feeling.

“So you just want to keep this inside you, huh?”

He withdrew his fingers, shaking his head.

“I’ll come back for you, so you can get in the shower,” he said. “What do you want to eat?”

“I’m not really that hungry,” you stated, but that wasn’t really true. You were starving.

“Don’t care. What do you want?”

You sighed.

“Mac and cheese?”

“Done,” Jeonghan said. He smiled at you. “Now be a good girl and put on one of my shirts.”

Waking up before Jeonghan, you decided to just let yourself out. Jeonghan hadn’t really told you when he wanted to see you next but regardless, you didn’t want to find yourself in an awkward post one night stand situation. You weren’t really sure how to act around Jeonghan if you weren’t being railed by him after all.

You didn’t quite escape without being sighted. You sent an awkward smile to a tall boy sitting at the kitchen table, shooting you a scrunched nose look.

“You can walk after that night?”

Your face blazed, and all you could manage to murmur was an apology and a good bye.

After a second shower and a breakfast with Jeongyeon recounting your night in as little details as possible you went to work at your job on campus. By the time your shift was over, your memories of the night before were hazy at best.

“...Y/n?” Confusion riddled across your face and you turned around, taking one of your airpods out of your ear. You searched for the source of the voice and when you found it, your face paled.

“Oh my god-”

And yet, those memories weren’t nearly hazy enough.

Yeongtae smiled at you, raising a hand to rub the back of his neck.

“It’s good to see you,” he greeted. His eyebrows furrowed and his eyes ran over the part of your body that he can see. “I’m surprised he doesn’t leave bruises on you that people can see. He sounded possessive on the phone.”

“I-” You weren’t entirely sure what to say. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what comes over me when he’s in control but I just can’t help but do whatever he wants me to and-”

Yeongtae raised his hand in the air.

“It’s fine. People have their own things they’re into,” Yeongtae said. “Some of the things... Weird and disturbing, but their own things nonetheless.”

“Have you had lunch yet?” He continued. “Would your boyfriend care if we got something to eat?”

“Jeonghan and I are not dating,” you denied with a roll of your eyes.

“You know that makes the phone call I received worse right?”

“Why were you on the line for so long?!” You snapped back. Yeongtae laughed at your quick clap-back, and the smile on his face actually made a smile appear on yours. “You’re fucking weird Yeongtae.”

“Weird, and hungry. You down for a lunch date or what?”

You thought over the invitation, but the decision ended up being easy when your stomach grumbled in protest at the lack of food.

“Yeah, okay but cool it on the weird shit.”

“Says the one who got off to telling me they were a slut over-”

“Okay, what did you want to eat?”

Part Three: Not a Friend

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