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analiavs · 10 months

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Harperverse: Moonlight Ride

Eden X Bailey

words: 2808

Warnings: noncon, drugging

Bailey tries to avoid his self-described mate.

Will post just the smut in a later post.

Link for people who prefer it on Ao3:

He’d been desperate and thought Eden would save him, but it had completely backfired. Or maybe he’d been saved too well. He tried to loosen the collar around his neck, listening carefully for changes in Eden’s breathing while he whittled away.

So far Eden had been the perfect gentlemen, but he couldn’t tell how long it would especially with a fuck moon tonight. And as a fox type he was sexually compatible with Eden’s rut. He absolutely couldn’t be here when it hit. Honestly this was just the mayonnaise for the knuckle sandwich life had been beating him with.

So many people were on his shit list. He didn’t think he asked for much. He just wanted to do his job and Harper had ruined everything. The most insulting part was that it hadn’t even been a power play on his part. The sick fuck genuinely thought he was curing people.

If his henchman hadn’t abandoned him after the first orgy he probably could have maintained the status quo. But when money’s value evaporated overnight he hadn’t had anything to keep them satisfied. Well anything he wanted to give up.

With his protection gone, his debtors felt more inclined to fight back. And even some of the townspeople tried to get some action. Brandishing his gun was usually enough, but he’d run out of bullets not too long after the fall. He couldn’t imagine what would happen if that got out.

As a result he’d been relegated to hiding in his apartment and sneaking around for scraps. He tacitly refused to participate in Briar’s new fluid based economy and had nothing he was willing to barter. He’d come to somewhat rely on Eden for meals, so he hadn’t thought it’d be a problem when he asked him to help deal with experiment 1.5. That ungrateful bastard looked like a savage minotaur, even if his bodyguards hadn’t abandoned him they probably would have been beaten by him. Eden was strong and armed, so he had a chance.

He hadn’t expected to get kidnaped. If he’d been less picky finding Eden a spouse maybe this could have been avoided. At least Eden fed him dinner before going to bed. He heard his captor’s breathing start to change, so he quickly flopped down like he was sleeping.

He kept his eyes closed and listened while Eden got up and stretched. He pretended to be asleep while Eden made himself breakfast. He heard his useless stomach growl, but kept feigning sleep. Eventually Eden came up and shook him.

“Wake up, I made breakfast. Just eggs, but I’m going hunting today. We’ll eat meat tonight and bask in the moonlight.” Eden smiled at him. He reached for the plate.

“...thank you for the food, but Eden you can’t keep me here. C’mon you’ve literally chained me to-” Eden slammed his fists down onto the table making him flinch back.

“So you’re just like the others huh? Think you're too good for me. I provide and protect, all I ask for is comfort and company! Well tonight I’ll be sure to show you you belong on my knot.” The anger radiating from him left him cowering. How many people had Eden kept like this? Suddenly his appetite had disappeared too.

“I have your scent so if you escape I’ll just hunt you down.” Eden smiled all teeth,

“In fact if you leave you’ll be my prey tonight. But it’ll be easier on you if you just stay in here.” Eden yanked him over, taking the collar off him. Instantly he bolted out the door. Eden laughed behind him,

“I’ll see you tonight!” Fuck he kept running, ignoring Eden. At least he hadn’t tried to stop him. But he needed to get far away from Eden and the woods. He ran for hours back to the edge of the woods. The branches seemed to come alive tearing at his clothes. His shirt got ripped into shreds,but at least his pants were still intact. He panted, catching his breath. He glanced around making sure no one else was around before scurrying down the road.

He felt more fearful than usual. Maybe Eden or the transformation was getting to him. It didn’t matter he snuck back to the flats without any interruptions. People were likely getting ready for the fuck moon. He’d have to worry about prowlers and Eden tonight.

He made it back to his apartment and saw that his door had been battered open. Shards of wood scattered onto the ground, he looked in and saw that what was left of his furniture was strewn everywhere. He felt numb staring at into his wrecked apartment. He could smell cum and paint too.

He’d only been gone for a night, he couldn’t believe his eyes. He went to his wardrobe and saw that the drawers were thrown everywhere and whoever had broken in had obviously helped themselves to his clothes too.

He jumped when he realized that his gun might have been stolen too. He went to his safe and saw that it had been bashed open too. He fell down to his knees. He could cry, his den had been destroyed now where was he supposed to hide from Eden. The upheaval had taken everything from him. He heard someone laughing behind him. He turned back to see experiment 2.5 looking down on him with her little entourage standing behind her. She forced a hug on him. He tried not to shiver and told her to fuck off.

“Aw, daddy don’t cry I got something for you.” She sing-songed, he tried to move away when a hand rubbed one of his ears. He squeaked before telling her to fuck off again. He tried to move away from her when a hand grabbed his neck, and made him go limp. He had no idea why a hand on his neck immobilized him, he kept his face blank but inwardly he was panicking.

“Don’t tell me what to do, let me have my fun or you won’t get your present.” She hissed into his ear. No, not again. What the fuck was wrong with his wards? He definitely hadn’t raised them to be like this.

“I don’t want your fucking gift! Get out of my apartment and leave me alone! Stop touching me…” His voice shifted to a whine when she found a particularly sensitive spot on his ear. He went silent unwilling to give her the response that she wanted.

“Always so sensitive, don’t worry I’m not gonna collar you I’m not into gilfs. So just give in to the pleasure.” She kept petting him and eventually against his will his body began to relax. He could feel the tension leaving his body as she kept petting him.

“That’s it, a little birdy told me the woodsman got you. I figured it wouldn’t be long till people came to loot your room, so I was nice and saved your gun for you. To be fair no one else has escaped that psycho on the same day.” She cooed. He couldn’t stop the small sigh when she scratched his ears gently. Not long after something dropped on his lap pulling him out of the trance. It was his gun, he couldn’t stifle his reaction in time and grabbed it quickly sliding it into his waistband.

“Thanks…” He might as well show his gratitude. She patted his head a couple times before going to stand next to her little friends. When had his neck been released. He ignored the heat on his face and stared at them in confusion. She giggled,

“Alright, I’m just gonna say it. We were planning on fucking on your bed so you gotta skedaddle.” She didn’t even look ashamed to say it.

“What! You insolent litte! I should punish you for this-” He tried to think of anything he could say or do to regain his power over her.

“C’mon what are you gonna do, spank me? Shoot me? With no bullets?” She laughed.

“Run along now little foxy before I set my dogs on you.” She shooed him away. Her dogs stood behind her trying to look intimidating. They looked stupid, but he honestly didn’t have the energy to fight. He tried to ignore the humiliation of being forced out of his already ransacked apartment. Well at least he still had his gun. He would find a way to get his get back. He heard exaggerated moans starting up as he left the hallway.

Maybe it was for the best his apartment might be the first place Eden looked. As he walked through town trying to find a good hiding spot he felt the energy start to shift. It was only about midday and the town was already starting to thrum with lust. He merely flashed his gun at anyone who tried to get handsy and they backed off. At least all the walking helped clear his head.

He’d heard the temple was taking in people resisting lust under experiment 2.0’s leadership, maybe he could manage to sneak in. Then, he’d be safe from Eden at least for the night. He made it there by midafternoon. He entered the temple, unsure what to expect. Inside there were many people praying, and angel types working around them. At least no one noticed him slip in.

He was on edge half expecting someone to start a scene but it was peaceful. By now his exhaustion was starting to peak, so he found a hidden corner to curl up and take a nap. He woke up to 2.0 looking down on him with contempt.

“This is a refuge for the lost, the desperate, and the fearful, what right have you to sully sacred ground?” Her angelic pose was juxtaposed by her expression. She was being careful to hide her face from her followers. Damn it, another psycho.

“I just need a place to spend the night, I’ll leave in the morning.” He kept his face neutral. He wasn’t going to beg for her salvation or feed into her delusions of grandeur.

“I’m sure the brothel would be happy to provide accommodations for the night. Someone like you is undeserving of the temple's light.”

“...C’mon what will your followers think if you turn me away? I’m not one of those sex-crazed bastards, I am your caretaker. I gave you food and a roof over your head and this is how you repay me?”

“Yeah, take that tone. The Farm wants more cattle and the brothel wants more foot soldiers. They’ll give you food and shelter. Or better yet, let the woodsman catch you.” She smiled at him.

“You’ll find no refuge here, leave now or be escorted out.” With her acting like they were having a regular conversation causing a scene would only net him more trouble.

He grit his teeth and left with as much of his pride as he could salvage. She didn’t even follow him out. When he stepped outside he gasped, it was evening. The sun was going down and soon the moon would be up. She must have known and waited to kick him out.

He was cornered, he controlled his breathing. He hadn’t slept that peacefully since the fall, 2.5 must have let him sleep until evening. Now the town would be full of lust drunk people searching for prey.

His only hope was to make it to the lake and wash his scent off. He ran into the woods, the sun following him. He could smell the water when he heard a deep howl emanating from the woods.

Instinctively he froze, it was Eden. Without thinking he bolted off in the opposite direction of Eden’s howl. From his rudimentary understanding of courtship under the curse, the hunt was on.

He ran in a zigzag pattern, threw himself desperately into rivers all in the hopes of getting Eden off his trail. Even as his lungs became too worn out to draw air in he ran. He was soaked and freezing but he kept running, he’d never been so desperate in his life. He cursed his wards with every fiber of his being.

He wasn’t sure how long he’d been running when he heard branches shattering behind him. He forced all his energy into a last-ditch sprint, but Eden was faster. He heard him gaining on him and with a snarl he was tackled to the ground.

“I’ve caught you at exactly midnight that makes you my mate.” Eden growled, humping his back. He used one big hand to hold his arms behind his back. He kicked and struggled trying to break free, but Eden’s strength was overwhelming.

“C’mon Eden please don’t!” He tried to reason with him. He’d been able to avoid being in such a position for decades and now he was trapped. He kept struggling, but Eden just held him down.

Try as he might to resist his instincts and the moon, he felt his body beginning to yield to Eden. His struggling turned into humping and his pleas started to sound more like moans.

“You’ve finally accepted you’re my mate…” Growled Eden nipping his neck. When he tried to keep pleading his case, his words started changing ever so slightly.

“Knot me… knot me please.” He felt Eden taking off what was left of his pants. He breathed in. Eden’s musk was all-encompassing. Even if he tried to fight it, something inside him called him to Eden.They grinded against each other. He usually would never succumb to lust, but the moon and the pheromones were all too much. He felt Eden’s dick pressing against his hole, rubbing insistently.

“Mine, now and forever.” Eden said, he licked his neck and thrust his dick in. He squealed from the pain. Once he was inside him, he felt Eden pull him by the hair down onto his dick. The pink light off the moon reflected down onto them.The lust inducing effect left him shaking.

He felt Eden’s hips on his ass. His dick was so thick, he trembled. When the thrusting started he bit his lip to keep from making any noise. He tried to focus his eyes on a tree in front of him, but as Eden started finding his rhythm he started increasing the pace of his thrusts. He was practically a fleshlight as Eden jackhammered into him. Eden’s grunts were a bit of a turn on.

He couldn’t focus. The pleasure was too much. Despite his resistance, a few moans escaped him. His vision lost focus. He gripped the dirt trying to stabilize his body and started thrusting his hips back to meet Harper’s thrusts. He would go along with it just until he could get rid of the heat in his body. Fuck them and leave them, that was no issue. He just needed to put Eden to sleep.

It probably wouldn’t be hard. For someone with such a huge dick, Eden really had no idea how to use it. Seriously, just thrusting wildly wasn’t pleasurable. His only saving grace was that his dick was big enough to hit his prostate. He thrust back with intent, and timed squeezes with Eden’s thrusts. Instead of grunting, Eden was starting to moan now. Perfect now it was time for his secret move,

“Mate, let me make you feel good.” He ground onto Eden’s dick like he was in a frenzy, forcing him onto his back. He turned to face Eden while he rode him. Just to keep an eye on him. He bounced up and down, watching Eden’s face contort with pleasure. Eden thought he would be the one controlled by the flesh, preposterous. He wrote his name on Eden’s dick just to see what would happen. Predictably, Eden spasmed practically screaming in pleasure.

“Bailey ah! So good.” He didn’t say anything, just smirked and kept bouncing. From the way Eden was drooling it wouldn’t be long until he came. He tried not to laugh and ground down onto Eden’s dick. Then started bouncing again. He could feel the moonlight reflecting off his back, emboldening him. He was just starting to feel it when Eden howled and grabbed his hips. He pistoned in and out intensely before forcing him down onto his knot.

He kicked Eden reflexively from the pain but once his dick was locked in he was stuck. At least Eden fell asleep. He sighed, waiting for Eden’s knot to finally give out. It was a long hour, but he finally got loose. Eden was snoring. He ignored the cum dripping down his legs. He looked down with disdain, Eden was a stupid selfish lover. He jacked off onto Eden’s face. Once he’d covered Eden’s face with cum, he found his gun on the ground and ran off.

#harperverse #eden X bailey #degrees of lewdity #bailey the caretaker

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theninjasanctuary · 1 year

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The poor cat has diarrhea for no apparent reason, he's had 2 butt showers today and a close call with a third; also now I've got one more rug that's going to the cleaners (which I've delayed for months because I'm that unorganized these days, it would literally be 1 phone call to schedule a pickup, but well, the money has been a bit tight too). Idk how to help, gave him some snacks with chamomile I happened to buy just yesterday.

Sent a question about the late payment, turns out a mistake from their end, never forwarded the paperwork to the accountants, and they fixed it post-haste, so I could pay the bills. Would not be in the red if the refund for work-related costs + the fees for the 2 smaller things I wrote would come in in a timely manner.

The antibiotics did not miraculously cure me overnight, felt a bit shit, but went to the office because I had an errand in the city centre anyway (a hassle, but should pay a little bit). Watered my plants and talked to my boss, who a) asked me about last summer's debacle (kind of late, but yeah, the relatively unprompted but spectacular fallout with a one-time friend has not gone unnoticed, she was trying to make sure I'm not too down about it - yes, there were intentionally hurtful comments about my work as well as personality, but they were so over the top and unwarranted I was more bewildered than upset, and I'm over it, since the finished piece turned out quite good imo). She also told me in no uncertain terms I need to get checked out for my attention issues already.

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lucifer-is-a-bag-of-dicks · 3 years

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They sat across from each other in the hallway, the sound of Maddie Fenton's shouting was muffled through the door of the principal's office.

Wes leaned back with his arms crossed as Walter Weston's voice broke through the noise, issuing an attempt at an apology that seemed to fall on deaf ears as the yelling continued.

"Your son might think it's just some funny joke, but I will not have anyone accusing my son of being that lying, manipulative, piece of ectoplasmic scum!"

Danny sank lower in his chair, face tightening with every word.

"You know they wouldn't say that stuff if they knew the truth." said Wes, cutting into the tense air between them.

Danny's head thumped back against the wall as he rolled his eyes.

"You cannot possibly be that fucking dense." Danny's voice was strained with frustration.

Wes felt heat flood into his cheeks as his chest coiled with anger.

"Well it's true." he spat. "They wouldn't think Phantom's a monster if they knew he was you."

Danny's nose wrinkled in an expression of mild disgust.

"For the most observant guy in school you are unbelievably blind."

"Oh I'm blind?" the squeak of Wes' sneakers echoed down the empty hall as he stood over the other boy. "You're the one who can't see how much easier your life would be if you just told everyone who you really are. But no, you have to keep it this big secret just so you can feel special, because you just wanna keep playing superhero."

He jabbed a finger in Danny's face as vibrant blue eyes glared up at him through dark bangs.

"You're choosing to get detention for missing classes, you're choosing to get beaten up by Dash all the time. You're choosing to be the least popular guy in school when you could turn it all around overnight if you wanted. You're choosing to listen to your parents talk shit about you-"

Danny's fist didn't race up to grab Wes by the collar, Wes simply blinked and cold fingers were suddenly curled around the neck of his basketball uniform.

"Have you even remotely considered that telling the professional ghost hunters that I live with that I'm part ghost might not be the best idea? My mom is literally yelling about how much they want to tear me open right now."

Wes couldn't help but notice that that was, in fact, exactly what she was currently yelling about.

"They wouldn't do that." Wes scoffed, batting Danny's hand away, it was like hitting a marble statue that only decided to move out of politeness. "They're your parents, they wouldn't hurt you."

"Are you sure about that?" Danny asked, Wes wasn't exactly sure when he got up from his chair, but they were standing face to face now. "Would you bet your life on it?"

Wes suddenly felt rather cold, but he refused to let Danny see him flustered.

"No, but I wouldn't go around betting my life on anything," Wes smoothed the wrinkles out of his shirt collar. "That's just stupid."

"Then why," Danny grit his teeth hard, "Are you so comfortable betting mine."

Wes opened his mouth to retort but suddenly found himself at a loss for words as Danny's question sank in and the cold chill in the room ran sharply down his spine.

They wouldn't really hurt him. He was sure of it, they were his parents. They would never, he was sure.

Would he bet his life on it?

"There's about three things that can happen if I tell my parents." said Danny, wandering slightly down the hall, looking down at his shoes. "One, they believe me, they put aside an entire lifetime of prejudice and accept me for who I am, hooray!" he shook his hands in a rather sarcastic gesture of mock celebration.

"Two!" he continued before Wes could interject. "They believe me, but they think of Phantom as some kind of disease, something that should be gotten rid of, something they can cure."

He turned on his heel to face Wes once again, holding up three fingers.

"Three... they don't believe me. They think Phantom is controlling me, or he's killed me and taken my place, that this is just some evil plot to manipulate them. They try to kill me."

Danny shoved his hands in his pockets and kicked at a piece of rubbish on the floor.

"Which means I only have a one in three chance of things going okay, and that's being generous and ignoring all of the other things that could go wrong. I don't like those odds, Wes."

Wes swallowed hard. He hadn't thought of it like that, he hadn't even considered it at all, but one in three? That didn't seem right.

"What do you mean one in three?" Wes asked, "Only one of those was really bad, what's wrong with them finding a cure? You hate being Phantom."

Danny looked up at him with a surprised expression, before frowning hard.

"I don't hate being Phantom, and it wouldn't matter if I did. Phantom is a part of me, I can't get rid if it. The last time I managed to split my ghost half from my human half it took half of my personality with it, and if I'd stayed that way for too long both sides of me would have died, for good."

"You don't know that it's impossible." said Wes, refusing to back down out of pure stubbornness at this point, even though the conversation was leaving a sour taste in his mouth. "Your parents are geniuses, if anyone could figure it out they could."

"Wes," Danny rubbed a hand over his face, looking very tired. "I asked the most powerful omniscient ghost I know if it was possible, there isn't a single timeline where I survive a permanent split. It can't be done, and I don't want it to be done."

"But why?!" Wes' arms opened in a desperately questioning gesture. "You don't even use it for anything! All you do is fight ghosts and lie to everyone! Why would you want that?!"

"It doesn't matter why." Danny hissed. "This is my life, my body. I get to choose what I do with it, and I should get to choose who I tell about it instead of having some selfish prick outing me to everyone without warning!"

"He WHAT?!"

The boys both turned around to find Mrs Fenton and Mr Weston standing in the doorway to the office. Maddie had a hand over her mouth, and Walter's jaw was hanging from his head.

"Did he just say what I think he said?" Walter asked.

"Yes! Finally! Dad he's-"

"You outed him?" Walter grabbed Wes by the shirt and marched him down the hallway. "You can't just do that sort of thing with someone's personal life! The ghost thing is bad enough but this-"

"What?" Wes' eyes widened as he realised what his dad was saying, "Wait, no! That's not what we were talking about-"

"We are going to have a very serious talk about this." Walter turned around, still shoving Wes ahead of him. "Mrs Fenton, Danny. I am so, so sorry about this, all of this."

Maddie slipped a hand over Danny's shoulder and squeezed as the Westons disappeared down the hall.

"Did he really tell everyone about that too?" Maddie asked in a dark tone. "If anything happens to you because of this I'll-"

"It's fine mom, it's fine." Danny assured her. "It doesn't matter what he says. Nobody ever believes him anyway."

He really hoped Wes learned something from that conversation, but somehow he doubted it would change anything.

#lula's fanfics #danny phantom #wes weston #danny phantom fanfiction #I just really wanted to write that betting your life on it scene

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tomboyneedshercoffee · 4 years

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Lovedust Pt.8 || Peter Parker x Stark Reader

Summary: Y/N and Josh talk things over about where they stand as Y/N tries to build the courage to confess to Peter. One night on top of the roof, Y/N and Peter reveal any secrets they’ve been keeping from each other.

Word Count: 5k

Author’s Note: This is technically the last part of Lovedust but there will be an epilogue. I was going to go a whole different direction and make it too angsty because sometimes, life works out that way but you guys deserve a happy ending ;) This series was only meant to be about three parts long but because of ow supportive and kind you all have been, I just have no words except thank you all so much. I will give a better thank you for the epilogue but until then, enjoy the chapter.

Warning: adult language

part one || part two || part three || part four || part five || part six || part seven || part eight || epilogue

You stared up at your bedroom ceiling quietly, picking at the stitching of your blanket to the point where you had about four inches of loose thread massaged between your thumb and middle finger.

Three minutes.

Peter was presumed dead for three minutes as you were giving him CPR that was literally a race against the clock. One hundred eighty seconds was the span between life or death and you couldn’t help but think of what if you had stopped after a minute? What about one hundred and seventy-nine seconds?

Three minutes. Your mind was so fucked that the only thing you could compare the time to was that Peter was dead longer than the time it took to pop a bag of popcorn in the microwave.

You thought back to the time where you had gone to California with Tony where you were alone in the hotel room while he had a conference. You remembered how scared you felt when the ground started to shake underneath you as the earth rolled underneath.

That earthquake must’ve only lasted fifteen seconds tops and yet, you felt like it was an eternity of shielding yourself underneath one of the desks that would’ve surely broken if the roof caved in overhead.

It’s odd how times works, whenever you’re in a dangerous situation, your body literally slows downtime so you can have the best chance at survival. So while those three minutes didn’t seem like a long time, the lingering fear of losing Peter after everything sent your body through emotional distress like no other.

It felt like a cruel joke; you had only come to realize you were in love with him when he was dying in front of you. What was even crueler was that even though everything seemed less complicated now that you really understood how you felt about him, it was only the tip of the iceberg.

It had been a few days since you had seen Peter since the night of the party and you felt like you were slowly losing your sanity. Your dad tried convincing you that Peter needed to be monitored for a while but maybe he just wanted you two to stay away from each other since you practically almost killed him by kissing Josh.

You loved Peter and he “loved” you yet once he was cured, he wouldn’t share the same feelings for you. What would happen once he was cured? How different would things be between you, especially since you would be having feelings for someone who doesn’t love you back?

Loving someone who surely wasn’t in love with you felt like a whole new level of self-destruction.

Your phone rang from underneath your pillow and temporarily interrupted your thoughts. You reached under the pillow to pull out your phone to find that Josh was calling you.

You inhaled sharply as you practically leaped out from under your covers, unsure of what to do.

The last you heard from Josh was the night of the party but just like Peter, you hadn’t seen or spoke to him since. That wasn’t the full truth, Josh had been texting you to make sure you were okay but you didn’t have the strength to even reply to his worried texts.

Poor Josh. He felt like an innocent bystander who got hit in the crossfire of what was going on between you and Peter.

In past relationships, you were like Josh. Your past boyfriends seem to always treat you as a rebound, a backup in case things went south and as gross as it made you feel, it was like you could sort of understand why your exes felt that way.

You didn’t want to lead Josh on, he was too nice of a guy to deserve that type of treatment. Your thumb hovered over the screen and you answered his call at the last second. He deserved that at the least.

“ Hey sorry, I was um, preoccupied. Is everything okay?” You asked as you started to pace your room.

“ I was going to ask the same for you. You haven’t been answering my texts and I was getting worried.”

You bit the inside of your cheek as a wave of guilt washed over you,” Y-Yeah I’m sorry. I’ve just been going through some stuff. I didn’t mean to worry you.”

“ You don’t have to apologize, I get it. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something in person, are you doing anything at the moment?

You rolled your shoulders back as you let out a deep sigh. In all honesty, you didn’t feel like leaving your room but if you were going to pick Peter over Josh, you also would have to owe him an explanation.

“ Okay, where do you want to meet?”

“ We can meet outside your complex, I don’t want to inconvenience you.”

“ Oh that’s probably easier anyway, when are you gonna come over?” You asked as you fell backwards onto your bed.

“ Um...I’m already outside.”

Your eyes widened as you scrambled over to your window to squint out towards the entrance. Sure enough, if you squinted really hard, you could make out Josh’s car outside the front gate.

“ Oh fuck! Sorry um, I’m coming out now!” You didn’t bother to let Josh respond as you hung up the phone and practically rushed out of your bedroom.

You practically sprinted across the front lawn all the way to the entrance and once you opened the gate, you leaned your body against the side of Josh’s car to help catch your breath.

“ You didn’t have to run all the way here, I could’ve waited,” Josh said with a smile as he watched you struggling.

“ I know,” You huffed as you felt yourself calm down,” but it would have been awkward if you just stood there for five minutes and watched me walk the whole way.”

“ Okay, that’s fair,” Josh chuckled as he leaned against the side of his car beside you,” I wanted to talk to you about the night of the party. I just want to make sure you’re okay and I’m sorry if I overstepped by kissing you. I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.”

You felt your heartstrings tug at his words as you looked down at your flip flops. You didn’t know how to explain to him that he wasn’t the one who overstepped but that the kiss was never supposed to happen.

“ You don’t have to apologize Josh and you didn’t make me uncomfortable at all. It’s just...I know how you feel about me and don’t get me wrong, I’m so flattered that you actually like me because to be honest, you’re way out of my league but um,” You awkwardly rubbed your sweaty hands against your pajama bottoms and let out a shaky breath,” I thought things were fine and that they would go back to normal but um, things kinda just happened and you were there and I thought hey he’s cute, like super cute, and Kim was being so pushy-”

“ I know you have feelings for Peter, it’s okay Y/N,” Josh interrupted as he took a moment before wincing,” I didn’t mean to interrupt you but I had a feeling that’s where you were heading with it. Plus you ramble when you’re nervous and I don’t want you to say something embarrassing. ”

Bless his soul, Josh really would be the death of you.

“ Is it that obvious I like him?”

“ Painfully obvious yeah. I kinda figured you two had something going on but after you gave him CPR and you two gave each other that look, that’s when it all clicked for me,” Josh said as you felt the tips of your ears get hot.

“ Josh, I am so sorry. I really mean it when I say that you’re the sweetest guy I have ever met and I really do wish you the best,” You answered honestly and you felt even guiltier when Josh only shrugged, a small smile tugging at his lips.

You couldn’t believe that even now as you were telling Josh you didn’t share feelings for him that he was still being incredibly sweet towards you.

“ Same goes for you, I hope he treats you the way you deserve to be treated. I have to be honest and say that I can’t get rid of my feelings for you overnight but hopefully we can be friends somewhere along the line,” Josh offered as you felt your heart snap in two.

As you looked back at Josh, that’s when you could really make out the distinct difference between the two boys. You weren’t sure if what Josh was saying was truthful, he was harder to read than Peter and even though his mouth was saying one thing, you could see that there was some pain behind his brown eyes that told a different story.

Yet nonetheless, you admired that Josh, despite having the full right to completely guilt you and make you feel like shit because of what happened, still chose to put any malicious intent aside for your own good.

“ Is it okay if I hug you?” You asked as Josh returned a sweet smile, embracing you in his strong arms.

Despite the heaviness in Josh’s chest, he felt his heart flutter at the feeling of your body pressed against his. The hug was short but even in those few seconds, Josh felt himself trying to take a mental picture of this moment, something he would replay over and over as he did his best to get over you.

After Josh had left, you made your way back into your cave and hid out in your room for the rest of the night. You had school first thing in the morning and yet, you found yourself tossing and turning yet again.

To cure your restless mind, you left your room and headed into the kitchen to make tea. You were never the type to drink tea but you didn’t have the patience to just lay in bed, at least this way you were occupying your mind with something else.

As the water boiled, you kept your eyes on Peter’s bedroom door, your knee bouncing up and down as if you were anticipating him opening it. You wondered how he was feeling, considering he almost died and all.

You just wished you could have the confidence to just go up and talk to him, to admit that it was him all along and that you chose him.

You poured the tea into a mug and cradled it in your hands carefully as a pair of feet made their way into the kitchen. You turned around, anticipating Peter’s face but instead, you looked up to see your dad.

“ You didn’t hear it from me but Peter is up on the roof waiting for you. Just in case if you were wondering,” Tony said as he nonchalantly dragged his finger across the countertop and peeked his head towards your tea,” aren’t you glad I made you learn CPR? I know it was part of your lifeguard course but I’m glad it came in handy.”

“ Too soon,” You sighed as you watched your dad haphazardly look through the cupboards,” and I wasn’t wondering about Peter. I’m just minding my own business and then I’m heading to bed.”

“ Minding your own business? That’s not the Y/N I know.”

“ Well, what would the Y/N you know do?” You asked as you looked down at the inside of your mug,” am I supposed to just run over to the roof and profess my love for him?”

Tony furrowed his eyebrows and shook his head,” I never said anything about love kiddo but the Y/N I know loves to talk so yeah, I expect some emotional reunion of the sort. You’ve always been known to be a bit theatrical.”

“ And who do you think I get that from?”

“ The one and only Potts,” Tony chuckled as a small smile crept onto your lips,” I don’t know what to say because I don’t think I can bring myself to give my daughter relationship advice about a guy who lives only a few doors down. If anything, it’s against my best interest but I will make this the one exception where I will intervene simply because if I don’t, no one else will. I think you should talk to Peter. He’s been through a lot and he has some things he needs to talk to you about.”

” Well he’s the one avoiding me so maybe he should come over and say it to my face,” You didn’t know why you turned so aggressive but you took a small sip of your tea to try and ease your nerves,” I know he’s been through a lot but we both have. That night of the party was just...too much for me. ”

“ You really are my daughter, always making it about you. You gotta give the kid a break.”

“ I- Dad it is all about me. That night fucking-not sorry- sucked and I don’t know what else to say. I jumped into a pool with my clothes on and I thought Peter was dead-”

“ But he’s not dead. He’s alive and breathing and waiting for you on the roof like I told you,” Tony interrupted as you exhaled slowly,” you love him, it’s a fathers worst nightmare but even I can see clear as day that you have feelings for him, are you going to tell me I’m wrong?”

You liked to think you knew yourself better than anyone else and for the most part, it was true. Tony was probably the closest to knowing who you really were as a person and yet, everything he was saying still wasn’t enough to make you less paranoid.

“ I wouldn’t say you’re wrong but I’m too scared to say out loud that you’re right,” You said as Tony rolled his eyes,” what? What did I say?”

“ You love to talk and yet, you never say enough. I don’t have the patience to stand here and listen to you beat around the bush,” Tony kneeled down towards one of the cupboards and grabbed a bottle of whiskey from the shelf,” you have a problem. Let me know how things go with Peter. Or don’t. I’ll find out anyway.”

You stood there, mouth wide open as you watched Tony playfully bump into your shoulder, what a bastard,” Yeah sure! You’re the one drinking at three am but I’m the problem?”

Tony only gave you a hasty wave before turning the corner to where the elevators were, leaving you alone in the kitchen. He was right, everything he was saying made perfect sense and yet, it annoyed you on how right he was.

You had absolutely no idea how to start a conversation with Peter now that you were sure of your feelings and yet, all you wanted to do was find him and reveal everything to him. You looked between your bedroom door and the elevators. You could either go back to bed or you could talk to Peter and nervously choke on your words like a schoolgirl.

Fuck no.

You walked over to your room with your mug in one hand but before you could open the door, your legs started to move in the direction of the elevators, seemingly with a mind of their own.

Fuck it.

You stepped into the elevator and made your way up the floors until you hit the roof access. You hardly spent any of your time on the roof since you had no reason to ever be up there in the first place but once you opened the door, you were immediately taken aback.

The greenroof took up almost half of the roof itself, the addition being nothing more than a general garden area to look aesthetically pleasing from the sky. Since most of the energy needed to run the facility was either solar or space related, the greenroof was more of a private garden that didn’t account for energy efficiency.

A mixture of moss and summer grass covered the roof in a thick blanket that never grew beyond the border of the garden and at first glance, the brightly freckled flowers planted along the pathway seemed random but as you walked down the graveled path, you could tell that there was some element of planning that went along with it.

Along the pathway stood different hues of green bonsai trees that stood tall and proud in their wooden boxes. You were so focused on the bonsais that you didn’t notice Peter sitting on one of the benches about a couple of yards away.

Your breath hitched in your throat but your feet continued to crunch along the graveled pathway as you made your way over to him. From Peter’s spot underneath the patio, he could hear you walking towards him but kept his eyes looking straight forward, unable to tear them away from the cityscape in the far distance.

You hesitantly took a seat beside Peter on the wooden bench and tucked your legs back so you could rest the mug on your thigh. The lights that Peter had strung up a few weeks back had lost it’s brightness, leaving behind a faded orange glow in its place but it was just the right amount of light needed to where you could read his expression carefully.

“ How are you feeling?” You asked quietly as you attempted to get a feel for what mindset Peter was in.

“ Good, I feel good,” Peter said back, almost quieter than the volume you started out with,” how are you feeling?”

While both of your minds were racing at the thought of the other person, the thoughts suddenly felt almost too personal, the atmosphere being instantly filled with the conversations you two weren’t having.

Out of the two of you, Peter felt like he had more to share and yet, more to hide. You were still completely clueless on the following; A) Peter was cured B) You cured him because of the kiss and C) He loved you back

It seemed like a dream come true, Peter was still in love with you without the lovedust and you felt the same way towards him and yet, he was still terrified. As everything began to feel more and more real, suddenly the idea of being with you made his chest tighten up.

He never knew if he could ever admit it outloud but he was scared that you liked him back because what if after all this time, after all the trials and tribulation the two of you had gone through, what if you two still didn’t work out?

There was so much history between the two of you and he was worried that all of the heartbreak and pining wouldn’t be worth it in the end. He loved you so much to where he knew that he needed you no matter what. It only hurt him more to think that from your last argument, you couldn’t even bring yourself to admit to him that you loved him.

Now that you were here in front of him, Peter would make sure you wouldn’t leave without hearing you say it back.

As Peter tried to carefully put his thoughts in order like he had practiced, you thought back to what your dad had told you and decided that you needed to start somewhere and you had to do that by being honest.

“ I’ve been struggling these last couple of days with what happened at the party. I can’t tell how you guilty I feel for putting you through so much pain and I wish I could take it all back. I feel so guilty because it was my fault you died- did you know that? I know the paramedics talked to you but you were dead for three minutes Peter and honestly, that was one of the worst moments of my life. I mean it’s up there with what happened to my parents,” You paused as you remembered to take a breath,” I don’t know what I would’ve done if something had happened to you.”

Peter felt his mouth dry up and for a moment, it was hard to swallow,” You didn’t kill me, you saved me. I still feel like I might be in shock from it all but I don’t blame you for anything that happened. I’m sorry I even put you through that cause I’m sure it was...a lot. But don’t ever say that you killed me, none of it was your fault.”

“ It was my fault. If it wasn’t for me and Josh-,” You stopped yourself before saying more. You didn’t want to talk about Josh, all you cared about was Peter but now, the thought was evident in Peter’s mind and he couldn’t seem to shake it out of him.

The image of you kissing Josh replayed in Peter’s head over and over again as his heart ached. Josh made things more complicated than they already were.

Peter’s biggest fear was losing you but to lose you to another guy? And yet, it still made Peter feel like he was between a rock and a hard place because Peter had only meant Josh on one occasion and it was enough to give Peter an idea that Josh didn’t have cruel intentions towards you.

Just because you loved Peter didn’t mean that you didn’t have feelings for Josh and that’s what made Peter crazy. You must’ve liked Josh enough to return the kiss right?

“ He’s a good guy, I see why you like him,” Peter finally said as he shifted awkwardly in his seat, not knowing what else to say,” he would make you happy.”

The comment shakes you in an uncomfortable way, was that supposed to make you feel better? Your annoyance was jealousy in disguise, you didn’t want to talk about Josh, you were here to tell Peter how you actually felt about him but because of how Peter was delivering it, it seemed like he was giving you an out.

“ It’s not- I don’t like Josh like that.”

“ You kissed him, I saw the whole thing. Do you just go around kissing people you supposedly don’t like?” Peter couldn’t help himself and let the words slip out so easily.

It was a low blow and the two of you both knew it.

It took every fiber of your being not to lash out at the accusation because you knew Peter had a right to be upset but you didn’t like what he was insinuating and you didn’t want the conversation to take a bad turn,” You don’t have to worry about Josh anymore. If you want me to be honest, yes, I thought there was something there but things changed. I came to talk to you because my dad said you needed to tell me something important but if you’re going to just sit here and belittle me, I’m not gonna take it. I get it, the lovedust is messing with your emotions but I’m extremely sensitive tonight, more than usual so just come back to me when you’re calm.”

You got up from your seat with a quickness but before you could step off the patio, Peter grabbed your wrist and pulled you back towards the corner of the bench.

Peter felt like such an idiot, whenever he got anxious on the fine details, he had a tendency to let the big picture escape him but it was something he knew he needed to work on while he was around you. He wasn’t going to let the conversation die just before it had started, he knew his big mouth tended to escalate conversations with you but he couldn’t let you go, not this time.

“ I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. I’m just frustrated because this feels so one-sided. I never know what you’re thinking because you never tell me anything. You always avoid answering the question but I need more,” Peter practically begged as you felt yourself get a bit aggravated,” I am being calm but I’m desperate at this point. I need to know how you feel about me, don’t try to change the subject, I need to know. Tell me how I make you feel.”

Your tongue felt heavy in your mouth as you pulled your hand away from Peter so you could regain your thoughts without him distracting you. You were suddenly chickening out, you had never felt so nervous in your entire life and you wanted to tell him how much you loved him. You wanted to tell him what he wanted to hear but it wasn’t easy taking a step forward when you don't know where your foot will fall.

“ This is hard for me Peter, I’m trying my best and I’m sorry if it isn’t good enough but ever since the lovedust, the dynamic is different and you’ve changed. It’s so much to get used to because of...how I feel towards you,” You said as Peter let out a frustrated breath.

He hated this feeling of going back and forth, he didn’t want to hear any of it. All he wanted was to just shake your shoulders because in his mind, you had no reason to be hesitant on opening up to him,” The lovedust didn’t change just me, it changed you too! I was vulnerable and I opened up to you, I showed you how I felt about you every second of the day but you have given me nothing!”

Nothing.

That word made your blood boil because nothing? Just because it was hard for you to let your emotions out didn’t mean Peter was getting nothing back in return. Since he was infected with the lovedust, you had been doing your best to open yourself more to him and you thought you had been doing a good job.

After all those years of Peter belittling you and tearing you down, of course, you would be a bit hesitant to let down your guard and yet, you did it anyway. It took so much to get to where you were comfortable with Peter to be vulnerable, especially when you broke down from your nightmare of your parents.

To break down and crumble in front of Peter wasn’t an accident, you could only be that vulnerable if you knew that he could help piece you back together.

“ Nothing? I gave you nothing?” You spat as you felt your eyes tear up,” I saved your life! I gave you the breath in my lungs to stop you from dying! I don’t owe you anything, I don’t need to prove shit to you!”

Peter stood up from the bench and while his heart ached from seeing you so upset, he knew that he couldn’t hold back,” Don’t pull that with me Y/N, you know you haven’t been honest with me. We both know that we can’t live without the other so don’t act like you did me a favor by saving me. Why won’t you admit it, even after everything we’ve been through, you’re still scared to just admit that you might love me!”

And just like that, you felt yourself let go.

“Of course I’m scared! I’m fucking terrified Peter! Is that what you want me to say? Do you want me to admit that me almost losing you would’ve broken me? Because you’re right! Yes, I love you!” You cried out as you took in a shaky breath,” I love you so much it hurts me and I didn’t understand how badly I loved you until I almost lost you! All I could think about when I was trying to save you was never hearing your laugh and never feeling your touch and I swear Peter, if you died, I would’ve never forgiven myself. I’m sorry it took me so long to say it but I love you. But none of it matters, you know why? Because you’re sick in the head, the lovedust is fucking with you and now it’s fucking with me!”

There it was, finally. After all of that time denying it and trying to hide your feelings to save your own sanity, you finally confessed. You had so many chances to confess that yes, it really was him all along.

When he came into your room and comforted you through your nightmare to the two of you shouting at each other in the rain, you had always loved him.

Even though Peter knew how you felt about him, this was the first time he heard it with his own ears and it was like hearing the symphony for the first time. Like your own soundtrack that swelled during the climax of the movie that was you and Peter, Peter could listen to you say it over and over again.

He didn’t care that most of your confession involved a string of swear words because, without them, it wouldn’t have been your true self. He knew once he admitted to you that he was cured, there would be no going back.

“ The lovedust is gone Y/N. When you kissed me- or saved me by giving mouth to mouth- the lovedust flushed out of my system completely. Banner did extra tests and he confirmed that I’m okay and back to normal all because of you.”

Your heart dropped to the floor as your eyes raked up Peter, testing to see if he was lying but he didn’t falter. This is what you were afraid of, confessing everything to him only to find out that he didn’t love you anymore but who would’ve thought it would be you to make him go back to normal.

And yet, a huge part of you was relieved because finally, the lovedust was gone. You didn’t need to worry about it ever screwing with you and Peter again but as you studied his expression, your chest felt heavy.

You had seemingly set up your own demise,” Oh, that’s good...I’m happy for you.”

You felt yourself take a step back but Peter reached his hand out to softly hold yours. You pulled your hand away but Peter swatted your stubbornness away and held your hand tighter. He rubbed his thumb over your knuckles and when he looked back up at you, he felt his heart swell.

“ And yet, even though the pain is gone, I feel more love for you now than I have ever felt in my entire life. I understand what they mean when they say love hurts but if anything, it heals even more because you made me feel whole again. When you saved me and the first thing I saw was you looking back at me, it was like I was given a second chance to love you the right way, the way you were meant to be loved.”

“You were right, the lovedust made me fall in love with you but ever since you cured me, it was only a matter of admitting to myself that deep down, I’ve always cared about you. It opened my eyes and showed me that I will never have to look further in finding the one for me because you are everything and more,” Peter said as you moved your eyes from the floor to his figure,” I love you. I mean it. No exceptions, no strings attached, no lovedust required.”

Right then and there, you were at a loss for everything you could possibly hold; no words, no breath, no thoughts. Any resentment you held had shattered into microscopic pieces that would dissolve once crushed between something as delicate as your fingertips because he said everything you wanted to hear.

“ You love me?” You said quietly to where Peter made you repeat yourself,” Are you serious? Do you really mean it?”

Peter nodded and softly let out an ‘ of course I do’ as he brushed his fingers lightly over your cheek. He cupped your face gently with one hand as his thumb wiped away a stray tear,” Can I finally kiss you?”

Peter’s cheeks grew red as you nodded and leaned into his touch, innocently brushing your lips against his. Peter dipped his head down to close the space between the two of you and kissed you so softly, you had to pull him closer to you to actually kiss him back.

Even though Peter was the one who asked, he felt completely unprepared kissing you back. He had imagined over and over how warm your lips would be against his but now that he was actually kissing you, he didn’t think he had enough self-control to ever stop kissing you.

You never knew a kiss could be innocent and yet so intimate but as his lips moved in perfect sync, any other logistics of the feeling went away because all you could think about was Peter. You practically melted into his touch but before you could savor the kiss, Peter pulled away breathless.

“ S-Sorry, I forgot to breathe,” Peter gushed as you smiled back up at him,” what does this mean for us now?”

You traced your finger along Peter’s wrist as you thought quietly,” I don’t know but we can figure it out together.”

Peter hummed happily before dipping his head down to kiss you and when he pulled away, he fell himself falling in love with you all over again.

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monstersandmaw · 3 years

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Evening to ya, Ghosti✌️😆

Sorry if the wording sounds silly, but I wanted to ask if you know any rituals I could do for the New Years. 🤣 Christmas hasn't been exactly an easy time for me for various reasons and I tend to get the holiday blues pretty bad, and for a long old while New Years has felt very similar. I'm doing my best to feel hopeful and to have some faith for the new year, but it's turning out to be trickier than I anticipated. So I wanted to ask for suggestions as to do anything that could help feeling more hopeful, I dunno. :3

Though feel free to ignore this if you don't have the energy for it. I hope you had delightful holiday however you celebrated!!! 😊💖💖💖💖

Hey anon! (it’s now afternoon here in the UK, and it was morning when I started this! I got a bit carried away). I don’t know that I’m necessarily the right person to ask about this, but here are some ideas of things I’ve found helpful/centring/calming anyway which you could draw from. Other folks, please feel free to chime in with your favourite ways to put the old year to bed and welcome in the new one!

(first of all, I’m sending you lots of virtual ghostli hugs to help drive away those holiday blues. That sucks, and I’m so sorry it’s been so tough for you.)

Here’s a rundown of what’s below, and I’ll put in a ‘keep reading’ so that it’s not an incredibly long post! Some of it is more on the ‘spiritutal’ side of things, and others are just mundane and practical things.

Congratulate yourself on making it through the clusterfuck that was 2020

Make some tea and meditate on what’s been and what you wish for

Go outside, be still, and breathe deeply

Let go of negative events and thoughts by writing them down, then safely burning the paper

Disconnect from social media for a few days (or however long you’re comfortable with)

Start a bullet journal

Write lists of goals for 2021 and then refine/distill them down to 3 manageable objectives

Commit 100% to 6 months of positive change

Pick three dates/months in the year when good things will happen, and make them happen (including growing veg/fruit)

Light a candle on the full moon or New Year

Ok, so, first of all, you’ve made it through this year!! That’s no small accomplishment, given the sheer volume of absolute shite that has been flung at us from all angles, no matter where in the world you live. Celebrate that. Seriously, I’m not being flippant. Take a moment of stillness wherever you are, be ‘present’, and just think about the fact that you’re here, right now, reading this post. Not everyone is here any more for one reason or another, but you did it. Congratulate yourself and celebrate that. Treat yourself to a slice of cake (or something you really enjoy) specifically to celebrate making it through 2020.

Make a cup of tea (try a new blend or recipe perhaps, or stick with your absolute favourite), or make a comforting drink of your choice. As you pour the water into the cup, breathe in the steam and enjoy the scent of it. Try and imbue all the positive things - memories, achievements, moments etc. - that you encountered this year into the tea/drink, and think about them growing in strength as the tea steeps, and envisage them continuing on to next year too. When you drink the tea, you take the positive thoughts into yourself and they become a part of you. You could try it in the morning with a caffeinated drink (if you enjoy those) and let it fuel you for the day, or you could try a herbal tea at night to let the good vibes steep overnight while you rest. Make it part of your daily routine; a private meditation.

Go outside and find a quiet spot somewhere and either stand or sit and just soak up the atmosphere. If there’s a tree nearby, think about the way its roots are planted in the earth, its trunk stands tall, and its branches reach towards the sky. Feel that space inside you. Breathe deeply in and out, visualising your lungs filling to the deepest parts, starting at the bottom. Count to four for each inhale, and six out (or whatever you’re comfortable with, so long as the exhale is longer than the inhale). This will help to still you and calm you.

If you have something fireproof (can just be a ceramic bowl), take a piece of paper and make a moment to write down all the negative things about this year, using a pen that you’re comfortable with. If you’re not one for words, draw pictures. You can make it really beautiful or just scribble it all down - it doesn’t matter. Get that shit out. Look at it for a while and read it through, mentally letting go of each thing as your eyes pass over it, then light one corner (carefully!!!) and let it burn somewhere with good ventilation (a cooker hood is good for that, but outside is better). Visualise all that negativity being swallowed by the universe and let it go. My favourite line from the Seamus Heaney translation of Beowulf comes at Beowulf’s funeral when a Geat woman is singing her grief at his passing to the sky, and there’s the simple sentence: “Heaven swallowed the smoke.” How beautiful is that? The sky swallowed up her grief as she poured it out to the universe. The negativity might take some time to vanish from your life (it’s not going to disappear at the same time as the paper, sadly!), but watching it go can be the first stage of letting things go. I did this last year, and I’m only just letting go of the last things on that list, but it was a start, and it made me feel more at peace.

Disconnect from social media. I know that with so much more happening online this year out of necessity, we’ve become even more dependant on our phones and computers, and it’s wonderful that we have this chance to connect with people when we can’t see them face to face, but social media can also act as a crucible for negative feelings. People usually post the best or the worst aspects of what’s going on for them or what they care about, so it leads to a skewed view of both the world and of what’s going on amongst our connections. It’s easy to start feeling insignificant next to someone else because of their achievements or their looks etc. and it’s also easy to start to get a bleak outlook when the news is full of terrible stories and people are reacting to it in a volatile and often knee-jerk way. Take some time off - uninstall the apps, or put the limiter setting on, or just step back - for a day, two days, a week, whatever you’re comfortable with. It doesn’t have to be forever. If you use those platforms to talk to people, tell them what you’re doing, and give them another way to reach you if they need. No need to isolate yourself completely!! Think about how you felt before you started it (write it down?) and do the same afterwards, and compare. If it didn’t work for you, then that’s fine too.

Start a bullet journal! Now is the perfect time to start bullet journaling. I first started this year when I felt like time was slipping through my fingers and my life was out of my control, and it’s really helped me to get a sense of order back. It’s not the magic cure-all for procrastinators and time wasters, trust me, but it can help to organise your mind as well as your day, and keep track of your habits etc. It can be literally whatever tool you need it to be. There’s a trend on social media - particularly Instagram and YouTube - that shows off these gorgeous journals that are basically works of art in themselves, and while it’s absolutely fine to aspire to that if you want to, the essential point of the bullet journal is to be a tool. You can buy print-outs from Etsy if you don’t fancy doing your own spreads. But don’t get completely hung up on pretty spreads and layouts because you won’t use it fully then. If you’ve got ‘new book fear’, like I did, make your own! I literally started my journaling by folding a few pieces of paper over, slapping a few stickers on them to cheer them up, and writing some lists. I didn’t buy a ‘proper’ journal until July 2020 when I’d got the hang of what I wanted out of the tool, and how to use it. I adapted one or two things, and I’ll be changing one or two things for next year, but it was a good way to start.

Here are two ‘minimalist’ journals and styles that I found helpful when setting mine up. They focus on usefulness and practicality, rather than overwhelming, artistic spreads and cutesy designs. I’m about to do a ‘plan with me 2021’ journal video for YouTube, so I’ll put that up when I’ve finished it, in case that’s helpful.

Elsa Rhae

Pick Up Limes

Write down the things you want to achieve for 2021. These can be more abstract concepts like ‘more organised’ ‘healthier’ ‘start a business’ etc. Then, when you’ve got as many things as you’d ideally love to achieve/accomplish/manifest (don’t hold back at that stage), take another piece of paper and choose a maximum of six from that first lot to focus on, and below that, choose just three absolutely essential things to focus on. Make those your things for 2021.

Now, this one is a personal one for me, so it may not be applicable at all to you/others, but I’ll share it anyway. For me, I need to make some significant lifestyle changes for my physical and mental health. So, I’ve decided to commit to 6 months of really hard work to bring about those changes. Time is going to pass anyway, from January to June. Six months will come and go anyway. Where will I be in six months’ time? I could be physically and mentally exactly where I am today. That thought is super depressing to me. Or, I could devote 200% focus, commitment, and energy, and bring about those changes, and be the ‘me’ I want to be in six months’ time.

It’s like the adage of ‘given a week to write a speech, it will take you a week, but given a day to write the same speech, it will take you a day’ - your brain will tell you it takes the amount of time that you have at hand to accomplish the task, and that’s simply how long it then takes. Use those three things from the 2021 list above, and commit to making those three things happen.

As an aside, tell someone (whose opinions you value) that you’re going to do this. By telling someone, you’re helping to cement the idea in reality, and you’ve got a support to turn to if it gets rocky, someone to cheer you on, and someone to celebrate with who knew what a struggle and commitment this was to you in the first place.

Pick three points in the year where good things will happen. Book yourself something nice, save up for something and have it delivered then, or tell yourself that you will have achieved [x] by May, or September, or December. For me, it’s a working draft of my novel, and certain health goals by October, but make it yours, and keep those points fixed in your mind. It will help 2021 not to be one amorphous mass of time, and will give it structure and form. You could also choose to grow something in a pot - lots of vegetables can be grown cheaply from seed in a pot on a windowsill, and you’ll have something tasty to eat at the end of it!!

Here’s a slightly gentler idea to finish with:

On New Year’s Eve take a moment to yourself, go outside if it’s not raining or too cold etc., light a candle, hold it (safely) in your hands, and be still. It doesn’t have to be exactly at midnight, but it will help your focus if it’s dark. Otherwise, go to a quiet part of the house and turn the lights down so that the candle flame is your focus. As before, think about what you’ve achieved this year, and be honest, not just negative! It’s very easy to say ‘oh I didn’t achieve anything, it all sucks, it was all awful’, when there will be tiny victories tucked away in there, I promise you, even if it was the toughest year of your life. Then think about where you are at the moment, mentally and physically. Acknowledge that state of being. Look at it with honest eyes. This moment is not for anyone else, so you don’t need to colour it one way or another. It’s for you. If you’re finding it hard not to be negative, be neutral. Let those thoughts come and go, and then turn your mind to the future. Mentally feed those negative thoughts into the flame in front of you, one at a time. Say it out loud if that helps, but do what makes you comfortable. Let the light from the flame fill your mind and your heart, and think about your intentions for the new year.

Tonight (30th Dec) is a full moon, so if that is significant for you, you may wish to do this tonight instead of tomorrow.

I hope that some of that gives you some inspiration, and I hope that people will chime in with their own new year’s rituals and habits. Be honest with yourself but not harsh, and be positive but not unrealistic. This year has been one hell of a ride, and we’re not done yet... Here in the UK, we’ve got the highest numbers of Covid that we’ve ever had, we’re in the harshest lock down (Tier 4) and can’t visit anyone, and we’re also going through Brexit (which is proving a nightmare for everyone, especially small businesses...).

Control the things you can control, and learn and employ systems to ride out the things that are beyond your influence. And take heart - you have a family of folks on here, all across the world!

#new year ritual #new year #resolutions #new year resolutions #rituals #ritual

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willowistic22 · 4 years

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RedFinch sickfic 🥺?

The redfinch requests are fueling my serotonin you guys don’t even understand!!!! a very fluffy fic in my opinion and i quite like it. A few curse words but nothing too serious yknow. Anyways, i hope whoever’s reading this enjoys!

Requests are still opened by the way! I have three more I got to write but I’d be happy taking more, though with a hectic school schedule it will take some time!

He wraps himself in a big knitted blanket and lie in bed with minimal movements. A tissue box placed on the floor next to his bed with crumpled up tissues scattered around the floor along with it. Bedroom lights dimmed to accommodate his half-consciousness, not exactly sleepy but can’t stay awake either.

Albert has his eyes fully closed but his mind on full swing. He’d much rather sleep through his discomfort, but the stuffy nose and headache makes it hard. His breathing is loud with so much liquid blocking his nostrils which makes it hard for Albert to breathe, another reason why it’s difficult for him to sleep.

Though, he longs for sleep to envelop him. He was rustling under his blanket all night. Getting the flu isn’t an end of the world thing, though he knows it can get serious if it’s not treated right after getting millions of lectures from his mom, but Albert still think of it as a huge inconvenience. Sure, he got the chance to ditch his classes, but he’d much enjoy it if the reason behind it was something other than calling in sick.

Al groans, furiously opening his eyes and rolling from his side to lie on his back. He stares at the ceiling, placing both hands on his stomach above the blanket.

He really should be doing something. So far, he’s woken up early as per usual to get to his campus, thinking his flu was cured after taking some medicine before bed. As it turned out, it didn’t, so he had called in sick and barely moved out of his covers. He was able to drag himself to shower, which only took about two hours of convincing himself then he props himself back on his bed with clean clothes.

Albert wants to ask one of his classmates what he missed from today’s lecture, but the energy to even reach to his phone is non existence. And its literally placed just across his tiny bedroom on the desk. Al could use some food since he hasn’t eaten anything today, but he has no appetite. There doesn’t seem to be any source of entertainment that would do good for him either so he’s left in his boredom.

He exhales out of his mouth full of desperation, defeating the pointless weight on his eyelids. Al’s brain is desperately screaming at him to get out of bed and walk to the kitchen. Albert’s stomach would be very thankful to be given a slice of bread and some water. He just needs to muster up the energy to push through his exhaustion first.

“YO ALBO!”

His bedroom door swung violently from a kick, the sound hitting the wall caused him to jump. As if the pain Albert’s head is feeling isn’t enough.

Al’s head half sits up to see who decided to bother him with a sniffle, causing even more pain to his head. The light coming from the other room seems so bright, he can only see two silhouettes of people standing in the doorway.

“How’re you feelin’ there?” A voice, he recognize to be his roommate Race, asked. Of course it’s Race who busts down his door. Why did he thought it’d be anyone else?

“Like shit!” Al answered with a nasally voice and another sniffle following his words.

“Well, you sure look like one!” Race replied, approaching Al on the bed. He turns back towards the doorway, gazing back at the other figure he’s with, “Your boyfriend’s here to take care of you. So don’t worry about me busting down your door again like that”

Race walks away with a bounce to his steps, leaving Albert and his visitor to have the room all to themselves.

Albert flops his head back to the pillow with a groan and a sniffle, propping his arm on top of his eyes to block out the bright light. With the little strength he has left in him, he voices out a nasally greet, “Hi, Finch”

The distant light coming from the doorway slowly fades away till the door can be heard clicking shut. The next thing he notices is the side of his mattress slowly dipping from the extra weight on the edge.

“Hi, Al” Finch greets back gently, pulling down his arm away from his eyes. Albert can now clearly see the smile on Finch’s face. The sight of the blond picked his spirit up enough to get the grumpy redhead to smile back.

He puts the back of his hand on top of Albert’s forehead and asks, “How are you feeling? Other than shit”

Albert chuckles and sniffles out, “My head hurts, I can’t breathe through my nose, and I’m hungry but can’t bring my ass to the kitchen”

Finch giggles through his smile, retracting his hand and turning to view the rest of Albert’s room. The floor to be exact, “And you should really start throwing your trash away...”

“Yes, that. I also ditched all my classes of the day, so that’s another problem on my plate” Albert said, slightly unwrapping himself out of his knitted blanket, “And I can’t, for the life of me, sleep but can’t stay awake either because I’m actually sleepy”

He sees his boyfriend reach towards the floor, but can’t clearly see what he’s aiming for. He can hear plastic rustling before Finch sits up straight again, now presenting Albert a bowl-shaped food container, “I made you some cream soup. It’s still warm and it won’t require a lot of chewing”

Albert smiles at the idea, sniffling his nose out a bit as his hazel eyes twinkle at Finch reaching back down. He could only assume that he’s getting something else.

“Since you said you lost your appetite, I suspected you aren’t keeping yourself hydrated either so I prepared a water bottle” Putting the water bottle next to the cream soup on the bed. Finch pulls something else up, a small blue container with a bright green lid, “And also some vaporub to save your nose and headache!”

Albert is beyond thankful to see Finch preparing all of this just for him. He really does not have the energy to do it himself.

“I’ll get your laptop so we can binge something boring till you fall asleep” Finch ended his note.

Albert smiles weakly at him, but the adoration was very much present. He hums out, “What did I do to deserve you?”

“Nothing. Which is why you owe me big time for doing this!” Finch joked with a little giggle. It made Al roll his eyes with a chuckle.

Finch helps prop a pillow against the wall. Al’s head painfully pounds as he makes the efforts to sit upright, but any sort of comfort they can spare goes a long way. Finch gives him the bowl of soup with a spoon while he does a bit of cleaning. Albert can’t help but feel guilty for making his boyfriend do this. He’s already doing a lot by making time to visit and preparing a homemade cream soup plus other things to nurse him back to health, and he just got the flu! Finch just shrugs him off, saying that he’s more than happy to help.

After throwing away all the dirty tissues, he gets in bed besides Albert with his laptop in hand. Finch notes the knitted blanket he’s using, “Didn’t know you like knitted blankets”

“My mother made this for me when I had my first stay at a hospital” Albert explained after taking a spoonful of cream soup. He puts down the spoon and sniffles out, “I don’t remember why I had to stay overnight but I remember I was around ten”

Finch smiles at the short story before opening up the laptop and Albert continues eating his soup. Finch doesn’t need to worry about eating, he already had a sandwich before heading over here.

Not even thirty minutes into the movie they’re watching, and Al is already declaring his stomach is full. He ate so little that it looked as if he didn’t even bother touching it.

“Al, you haven’t eaten anything all day!” Finch countered.

“I seriously can’t eat right now. I’m sorry” Albert said. He only apologized because he knows Finch had personally made this for him.

“Please, just take your time finishing it” Finch begged, “I’ll feed you myself if I have to!”

Albert kept arguing that he can’t keep going, so Finch really did feed him. Placing the laptop on Albert’s lap and taking over the spoon to force down one meal down his stomach.

An hour or so through the movie, Albert was able to finish the soup. It wasn’t that his stomach was full, he just didn’t have the strength to finish it on his own. With the help from Finch, he was able to make himself eat something.

Finch helps him apply some vaporub on his chest, sliding his hand under his shirt. Albert lazily placed his head on Finch’s shoulder while he did it, smiling full of contentment. He tries to reach up for a kiss, but Finch pushes him away with a smile.

“Slow down! We haven’t even held hands yet!” Finch joked, lightly pushing Al back against the wall he’s leaning on, “And there’s no way I’m kissing you while you’re sick”

Albert laughs with a sniffle following, “We can be sick together!”

“And leave Race to take care of us? No!”

So they settle back in the comforts of each other, watching various movies under the warm covers of Alberts knitted blanket. Well, Albert moves his position to lie down completely on the bed and wrap an arm around Finch’s waist as sleep slowly overcomes his senses. Finch stays upright while holding the laptop, but the movie is now long forgotten as he strokes Albert’s hair and watches him drift to sleep.

He looked terrible when Finch first arrived. To see him now sleeping peacefully by his side, a heavenly feeling wraps Finch’s heart. What a privilege it is to be able to cradle Albert in his arms and help him get better. As he unconsciously tightens his grip around Finch’s waist, he laughs seeing the act unfold.

BANG!

The bedroom door slammed opened with a powerful kick, sending both Albert and Finch to jump out of their little serenity. Finch keeps his arms on Albert as the pounding pain in his head appears once again. His eyes squints at the bright light coming from the door.

“What’s up guys!” Racetrack’s loud voice echoed through Albert’s head, adding even more to the pain. And not to mention to new pain in his ass with his presence. Though, neither of them are entirely surprised.

“Race... Please go away...” Albert weakly whined, slipping a hand under his pillow as he slowly lies back down.

“What? Come on! I’m bored!” Race replied, he walks over to the bed in the corner with his signature grin, “The more the merrier, Al!”

Before he could sit on the bed, Finch took the initiative to stand up and show Race to the door. Slamming it shut and locking it while he’s at it. He returns to his spot on the bed, Albert instantly wrapping his arm around his waist again.

Finch notices the little pout on his face as he tries to catch more sleep. He laughs and threads his fingers through his hair, “Should’ve locked that door sooner. Sorry”

“It’s fine” Albert said, barely audible since his face is half buried in his pillow. He opens one eye at Finch and voices out whatever he can without needing to move, “Lie down with me? We can take a little nap”

Finch chuckles at the offer and proceeds to follow his orders. He gets comfortable under the blanket, facing his boyfriend to wrap his own arms around him. Albert’s head is placed on the crook of his neck, tickling Finch a little with his hair as he adjust to get comfortable.

They get comfortable in each others embrace after a few moments of adjusting. Chests rising and falling on their own slow pace. Albert already on his way to dreamland whilst Finch still has the small energy to pet his hair. Though as the seconds passes by, his eyelids begin to get heavier and heavier till sleep finally envelops him.

#newsies #drabble requests #redfinch #redfinch newsies #albert dasilva #finch cortez #albert newsies #finch newsies

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xplrvibes · 3 years

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Its the constant boasting that they're having a grand old time while so many deaths keep getting reported all over the country and in Los Angeles that really pisses me off. Its so stupid of them to think that eventhough they're not around a lot of people that its okay to continue to travel and waste so many rapid tests in doing so when they could be used on essential workers. They reported the closing of two test centers because theyre running out of tests. There's also people spending the night in their cars just to get a test and here are all these influencers with their, "We all tested negative so we can film" bull.

(This got long, so some of it is going behind a cut)

Is this about snc?

If so...I am in agreement with everyone that does not understand the point behind filming this series in Utah. I feel like everything they are doing, while exciting and fun, could have been done in CA.

I’ve talked about this before, but the reason I don’t normally get involved in the discussions about people travelling during the pandemic is because I have had to do some travelling during the pandemic (work travel that could not be avoided, one very long cross country drive for a family emergency, and one ill fated overnight trip to the beach over the summer when things were good that I regretted from pretty much the second I got out of my car), and I would feel like a hypocrite coming down on anyone for work/family travel (just to explain why I don't normally talk about this on my blog, for those interested or who think I don't care etc).

Now, having said that, I never did the rapid testing thing (I didn’t even know those existed until very recently-I did the normal testing/quarantining). The rapid testing, I feel, is more of a way to show people “Hey, we’re taking precautions!” which...eh. I don’t think a lot of people really realize how ineffective those rapid tests are. I certainly didn’t until everyone on here started talking about them. So, if the majority of people don’t know what those tests are, they see someone getting a covid test and think, “Oh good, they are being safe,” and leave it at that.

I do agree with what you said, in that I think they genuinely think they are being “safe” by wearing masks around people, staying away from people, and having people test before filming with them. I don’t think they truly realize how much deeper it goes, because honestly-a lot of people in this country don’t. The most you hear is “wear a mask and stay 6 ft apart” so people do that and call it a day, as if that’s the magic cure-all for covid.

I feel like in general (not related to snc whatsoever) people feel like this pandemic was left behind in 2020, especially since we now have a vaccine. There’s this sense of the light being at the end of the tunnel getting everyone all riled up and excited, and I think people are forgetting that the vaccine actually has to be distributed and the country has to actually be vaccinated first, which will take time.

There are other things that I think are motivating the majority of the country, which I won’t even get into. Politics, stubbornness, people being sick and tired of it all, misinformation about what is actually happening, panic over income and their futures-you name it, it could probably be applied to the reason that people just will not accept that the quarantine must continue for a bit and that their inability to just stick with the quarantine is contributing to this whole thing being prolonged the way it has.

Every state is also being handled in a totally different way, with totally different outcomes, which doesn’t help. Florida, for example, is wide open. Nevada, too. I was in Montana a few months ago on my way across country and you would’ve thought covid wasn’t even a thing there. Someone got mad a me for wearing a mask at a gas station. They don’t even want to hear about any of this out there.

So you’ve got people whose whole entire lives and jobs are to travel, make content around travelling, or sell themselves online travelling and being in all these glamorous places...and their state is telling them, “NOPE, you have to stay in.” But there’s no country-wide ban on travel, and there are 49 other states, and some of them are doing things completely differently, so...why not just go to those places and film/make content instead? That way they don’t lose their income, but they also still get to make the same content as always and don’t have to figure out new content, which could potentially flop with their viewers, which could bring down their revenue, etc.

(Disclaimer: I am not saying this is the right way of thinking AT ALL, just that I think this is part of the motivation for some of these influencers)

Now, onto SNC. Some of what I said above probably applies to them, but I wonder sometimes if there isn’t a little bit of resentment/competition in their case as well. Here’s why:

At the beginning of this whole thing, they stayed in the house for months. They didn’t film any new content for snc, they didn’t film any content where they left the house on their personal channels. Even when they did Cerro Gordo over the summer, it was a ghost town with one man living in it, and everyone got tested before and after filming. And guess what? Their views suffered, their popularity went down; people got bored with them and turned to other things. (Sidenote: fandoms are fleeting. Nobody unconditionally loves and supports anyone. If they aren’t giving you content, you will walk away until they start entertaining you again. That’s a fact of fandom life.)

Meanwhile, Corey and Elton just said fuck it and spent this entire pandemic travelling non-stop, with no consequences and very few people calling them out-cause in the grand scheme of things, tumblr and what little of the fandom felt like saying stuff to and about them, does not count as being “called out” on a big scale. TFIL still gets decent viewership (their recent videos did better than SNC’s) and there was literally no long term consequence to their actions, covid wise.

So lets say, SNC start thinking, “Damn...Elton’s doing this shit, Corey’s doing this shit, they’ve managed to keep it going all this time and nobody’s said anything to them...it must be easier than we thought to safely travel/film during a pandemic. And obviously nobody cares if they’re doing it...so why can’t we do it, too?” And off they go.

Now, I’m not saying thats how they feel and, if it is, I’m not saying thats the right way to feel...but nobody is perfect. Resentment and competition and the need to continue to make money drives us all sometimes. SNC aren’t saints. I don’t think for a second that they are inherently bad people, but they are PEOPLE. People are dumb. People do dumb shit for bad reasons with little thought to the big picture or to how their actions affect others sometimes.

All this to say: they are idiots. They’re gonna do whatever they are gonna do, until they realize it isn’t safe, finally start getting called out on a big scale by their fandom, get covid, get stuck in some random state and have to make the Rubik’s Cube video I am so honestly excited about, or until they get the vaccine...whichever comes first.

I completely understand how frustrating all of this is, because even I, the person who doesn’t normally get involved in these discussions, kind of did a, “YIKES,” when I saw their insta stories. I wish I had better answers, or knew how to get in touch with them to knock their heads together and knock some sense into them.

And please, don’t take any of this as a defense against snc, or any influencers in general. I just think that human motivation is an interesting thing, and I think everyone has a reason (good or bad) for the reasons they do things. Everyone is the hero of their own story, as they say...so nobody can see when they are being the bad guy.

Also, this got really, really long and I apologize. I need to cut down on my rants. But I love the asks!

#asks #if this sin't about snc i apologize but it probably still fits

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piermanwalter · 3 years

Text

Thief’s Apprentice: Magical Beings

Note: I mean magical beings in the sense that every being in a discrete group is magical. For example, a human or a wooly mammoth or fig tree can all be mages, but it doesn’t mean all humans, wooly mammoths, or fig trees are mages. All of these beings are mages. The World was once populated with magical beings, but after they all mysteriously died while turning human, there have been very few magical beings on The World. However, disease, soul experiments, and mass prayer have caused humans to become magical beings again.

Revenants

There are about a hundred million revenants on The World.

We already know about revenants. A plague turns vertebrates into necromancers after they die, who come back to life as a walking corpse. Revenants have no physical senses. Revenants feel the emotions they felt as they died the strongest. The longer you had the plague, the saner you will be after death. Revenant souls regenerate quickly and grow continuously, becoming huge enough to allow them to perform powerful magic without consequence.

We have taken a very revenant-centric view of The World so far, but there is so much other shit going on.

Ambient Creatures

There are countless trillions of Ambient Creatures on The World.

The World was once covered with Ambient Magic strong enough to support large creatures through magic alone, but they have shrunk almost to disappearing. Some believe the loss of Ambient Magic coincides with the mass extinction of magical creatures, but there’s no proof of this. There are still a few patches of Ambient Magic scattered throughout The World, but they collectively take up less than 100 square miles and are too weak to support anything but small and simple creatures.

In the last few hundred thousand years, some previously nonmagical animals have evolved to take advantage of Ambient Magic. All beings with souls can absorb and make use of Ambient Magic, which only amounts to feeling slightly more emotionally stable. However, this is enough to sustain some beings, like the flatworms, which eat nothing and lazily float about, needle snails, which eat and behave like normal snails but have the ability to shape iron sand into spikes using Industrial Magic, and lambent butterflies, which use Light Magic to flash and turn invisible, but revenants don’t see using light anyway so it literally does not matter. When removed from Ambient Magic, ambient creatures will lose all magic ability, and in some cases, die quickly. There are many species that are indistinguishable from nonmagical species, but when they are placed in Ambient Magic, start performing powers. Some of these species are found nowhere near Ambient Magic. How did they get there? Maybe it’s the Ambient Magic that moved.

Parts of Ambient Creatures can be used to make powerful magic items because they evolved to store a specific type of magic.

In Veilheim, the Ambient Creatures in the Magical Grove outside the city are seen as further proof that invertebrates are Perfect Forms.

Vampires

There are about fifteen thousand vampires on The World.

120 years ago, Dr. Hanna Ferse, an infamous Gore Mage from Hapsburg, was able to reverse engineer the original plague-transmitting neuroleprosy bacteria into something she hoped would save humanity from plague. It sort of worked. Vampirism renders its bearers immune to plague, but vampirism is arguably worse than the plague. Instead of turning the dead into necromancers, it turns the living into gore mages. Given that vampirism still draws upon The Necromancer’s magic, this has terrifying implications as to The Necromancer’s true power. While being a vampire prevents plague, being a plaguebearer also prevents vampirism. Vampirism only infects humans. Interestingly, mages, wizards, and other people with unusually large souls are immune to vampirism.

Vampirism is transmitted by bodily fluids, has a ten hour incubation, then in one hour turns bearers into vampires while they are still alive. If bearers don’t deprive themselves of water and eat salt past the point it’s physically painful, they will die. Their bodies have been modified to function best when very salty, but they still have the same survival instincts as humans. A healthy vampire suffers from constant thirst, but if they drink too much of anything with a lower salinity than blood, they will get sick and die. Vampires can also die in all the ways a human can die, such as starvation and bleeding. Vampires are also very dense and quickly sink in all bodies of water. Being in contact with freshwater for too long will cause mass cell death and their skin to slough off. Vampires also get very stiff and develop a grainy pallor as more of their bodies are replaced with salt. Many vampires get strokes and kidney stones and go blind because of high blood pressure, and also their blood is so thick with salt crystals it starts cutting into surrounding tissue. Being a vampire sucks because you need to turn into a cured ham or else you die. Hampires.

Why haven’t vampires overrun and destroyed The World like revenants did? The most obvious reason is that they are weak and fragile compared to revenants, but the most important reason is incubation time. Living a normal life for a few years, a plaguebearer can infect many people, who in turn infect many people, and none of them know they have the plague. Entire continents can unknowingly become saturated with plaguebearers. Meanwhile, an accidental bearer of vampirism only has 10 hours to unknowingly infect someone before suddenly dying. The plague can also be carried by all vertebrates, living or dead, while vampirism bacteria can only survive in living humans.

Vampires stop aging and are sterile. Vampires also have ever-growing souls like revenants, but not as fast. You’d think newfound Gore Magic abilities would help vampires alleviate their salty pain, but no. If a sane newly dead revenant screws up Death Magic and burns half their soul to pull their arms off, the revenant can sit around and contemplate their mistakes until their soul regenerates and they can put their arms back. If a newly turned vampire screws up Gore Magic, they die. Few vampires are lucky and privileged enough to survive more than a few months and master Gore Magic enough to elevate themselves above basic humanity, usually by guidance from other vampires and/or incidental medical knowledge.

Despite all this, Dr. Ferse used freedom from plague and promise of magic powers to convince some Hapsburg nobility to become vampires, who then used their practiced good health, magic, and plague immunity to advocate for the widespread use of vampirism to combat the plague. Gehenna heard about this and was initially interested, but then saw what agonies vampirism rendered unto the poor and uneducated general populace, who were used as snacks and test subjects by the nobility, and decided stopping a painful infectious disease with another painful infectious disease is stupid as hell.

After Dr. Ferse and many others were killed in an eradication campaign, the few surviving noble vampires were able to leverage old family allegiances and secure their survival after proving they could use Gore Magic and their own bacteria to sense and drink all infectious fluids from a plaguebearer during incubation. The plaguebearer dies in the process, but their body is no longer infectious. This doesn’t work for plaguebearers once they show symptoms.

Vampires were allowed to live as long as they kept their own numbers low and contributed their skills towards eradicating the plague. Nowadays, Gehenna views vampires like cats. They carry disease too, but they also reduce the numbers of other disease carriers, so it’s more convenient to let them live.

Although vampire killing and gorging sprees are ultimately good for the people of Beringia, many still fear vampires for obvious reasons. Sometimes vampires are driven mad by pain and thirst and start attacking indiscriminately. Some vampires lie about plague outbreaks to kill and eat uninfected people. Other vampires powertrip and infect people without caring for consequences. Other vampires look terrifying, with bloodshot eyes, salt-crusted ulcers, and gouty crystals bursting from their joints. Also most vampires are rich aristocratic Hapsburgers with their perverse decadent foreigner ways. Hamburgers.

Controversy rages throughout Beringia over whether the fine stranger who arrives in the middle of a plague outbreak and sleeps all day while mysterious piles of corpses show up overnight in the street or the white-clad masked soldiers who arrive in the middle of a plague outbreak and start shooting and burning people are more cool and sexy.

Compared to revenants, who have been on The World for 700 years, vampires are very young and are always discovering new things about themselves. Some vampires can shapeshift to hide their salty deformities, become unrecognisable, or mimic other people. Some vampires are immune to all disease, not just plague. One amazing thing that may be enough to justify salt hell is when they die, as long as their heart is intact, vampires will come back to life on Dark World Day. Before this was discovered, some dead vampires were buried and had to starve to death over and over. Dr. Ferse was found like this.

Hapsburg has a regular court and royal family, and also a Vampire Court established 80 years ago to deal with vampire internal affairs. Dr. Ferse was the first Vampire Queen after her revival, but was ousted 5 years later by the second and current Vampire Queen Hecata, who believed that Dr. Ferse’s aggressive promotion of vampirism and callous treatment of the common folk are what led to the persecution of all vampires. Dr. Ferse is still around, but no longer has serious political influence and instead secretly publishes a lot of forbidden Gore Magic literature for secret students of forbidden magic and miscellaneous edgelords. You may assume that Pontiff Rubedo modelled himself on Dr. Ferse’s teachings to become a murderous freak, but he hasn’t actually read any of her books. While he may be indirectly inspired by vampires, that’s just how he is.

The Hapsburg Vampire Court used to be a puppet state, but as the regular Hapsburg Court steadily declines from inbreeding-induced insanity, deformity, and genetic disease, the balance of power is shifting towards vampires. Although vampirism is still an upper class disease, the Hapsburg Vampire Court leveraged their newfound power to responsibly infect and educate a lot of regular Hapsburgers to form the Hapsburg Vampire Navy. Not only is vampirism useful for fighting plaguebearing pirates, vampire sailors don’t need to carry drinking water or alcohol or most types of food, because they trained to use Gore Magic to prevent vitamin deficiencies and can drink seawater.

The Hapsburg Vampire Navy provides an alternate method of oversea transport from Gehenna’s well-armed and well-regulated sea travel monopoly. Hapsburg became very wealthy from increased trade and leasing ports to landlocked countries at huge prices, and is the first and only country to reclaim its coastline from Gehenna.

Relations between Hapsburg and Gehenna are not good. Aside from the back-and-forth coastline control, Gehenna still needs to marry into Hapsburg royalty despite them being the biggest source of unprecedented and spectacular new genetic diseases and they are really annoying to deal with in general. Vampires are still treated with suspicion at best and like rabid animals at worst, largely due to propaganda spread by Gehenna 100 years ago they have since put super half-assed efforts in dispelling.

Despite mutual bad blood, when Gehenna announced their expedition into plagueridden Surenia to stop the source of new revenants, Hapsburg volunteered half of their Vampire Navy under the thinly veiled threat that the age of vampire dominion would begin if Gehenna failed. Gehenna used most of the Hapsburg Vampire Navy attachment to make up for the loss of troops in Beringia, and anchored some of them near Surenia to euthanise and purify returning plaguebearers. After a lot of arguing, only one vampire was allowed to set foot in Surenia.

Vratis Constantin was a peasant in northwestern Fire Escape, the sole survivor of a village that got attacked by Vampire Queen Hecate in one of her thirst rampages. Going off dubious vampire legends, Vratis became a local hero by killing ancient revenants that emerge from the soft peaty Fire Escape ground. Through sheer willpower and blind ignorance, Vratis became nigh-indestructible from Gore Magic and also learned how to use Light Magic because of misinterpreted stories of immortal vampires materialising from shadow (they were actually dying and instantly reviving on Dark World Day).

Upon hearing of a Vampire Court in Hapsburg, Vratis left to join his people. His presence was a shock, since it offended the noble vampires that some Fire Escapee asshole was not only able to survive, but also surpass many of them with no assistance. Queen Hecata defended him, since he was a magical curiosity and technically an heir to the throne since the Queen infected him. Queen Hecata stuck a noble title on him and treated Lord Constantin like a son, and he waged war against rival vampire families on her behalf.

The rest of the court hoped Lord Constantin would get overwhelmed by court politics and get killed and/or disgraced. Instead, he developed a ruthless and bombastic outward persona to prevent others from reading his intentions while building a network of informants from servants, and was single-mindedly and unquestioningly loyal to the Queen. This presented a potential succession crisis, since most of the court would refuse to serve a foreign King, but Queen Hecata didn’t have any reason to disinherit him and all “accidents” and deliberately unwinnable battles haven’t worked yet.

Queen Hecata disinherits him, but promises the Hapsburg Vampire Court will recognise his new title as Vampire King of Veilheim if he succeeds. Lord Constantin knows he was sent to Surenia to die, but still believes he can get back in the court’s good graces by succeeding where Dr. Ferse failed. He hopes to liberate the people of Veilheim by giving them vampirism to fight back against their evil necromancer overlord and his mindless revenant slave army. After a life of alienation and watching himself turn into a heartless bloodless undying monstrosity, Lord Constantin believes he finally found a kindred spirit in Prince Train Noise, a faceless voiceless syphilitic monstrosity. Prince Train Noise hates Lord Constantin because he became disgusting and alienated himself on purpose.

Living Saints

There are about six thousand Living Saints on The World.

If a soulless object like a statue of a saint is prayed to long enough, it begins accumulating tiny scraps of souls from its worshippers. Some worshippers begin to hear the whispers of ancient prayers being repeated back to them. With sufficient emotion matching the general vibe of the souls in the statue, some of the soul fragments can leave the statue and die to perform miracles. This motivates people to continue praying and the statue continues to accumulate souls.

If many people are praying to help others, the statue will become selfless and benevolent. If many people are praying to help themselves, the statue will become selfish and perform the bare minimum of miracles to keep them praying. If people are praying out of desperation, the statue becomes terrified and helpless. Mass prayer is a gamble. You could generate the emotion to perform great miracles, or you could fill the statue with your own fears and doubts and render it powerless. Very rarely, the souls in the statue become self aware and realise with every miracle, they come closer to death and with every prayer, they lose more and more of themselves in a sea of pleading voices.

When someone dies in a church with an unhappy saint, all the souls in the statue enters their body and revives them as a Living Saint.

Living Saints have gigantic souls and the same incredible magical power they had as a statue, but because the soul fragments are not in their original bodies, their souls can’t regenerate. Living Saints are physically human and eat and breathe and age like normal. Living Saints are most powerful and self-assured when they first rise and steadily grow weaker and less assertive until they run out of soul to sustain a human body and die. In that sense, they are the opposite of revenants. Sometimes the soul of the original person is still there, and once all the other souls are used up, the Living Saint returns to being a normal human. Praying to Living Saints doesn’t do anything because beings have defences to stop other souls from getting into them. These defences only drop during death, which is how the Living Saint came to be in the first place.

Historically, there have been very few Living Saints, but as Beringia turned to centralised religion to cope with mass death and plague hell, and then later to cope with oppressive and terrifying regimes that formed to combat mass death and plague hell, Living Saints are becoming more common, to the point where some giant cathedrals have entire choirs of Living Saints. Fortunately, attempts to engineer the creation of Living Saints by killing people in churches rarely work, because you can’t be sure if the Saint is unhappy enough to leave, the time between consciousness and death is too short for all the souls to move in, and also the injuries or poisons sometimes end up killing the Saint again.

As per their original function, Living Saints are unquestioningly obedient towards clergy and people they vibe with. Regardless of how charitable they are, Living Saints love attention and being surrounded by people. They are also famously good listeners. Living Saints tend not to have a set personality and instead behave like the owner of whatever piece of soul is being consumed to keep them alive at the moment. Many churches glorify their Living Saints, and most Saints are happy to be there, but as you may expect from souls desperate enough to possess a dead body, some Living Saints are not only unhappy with being statues, but also unhappy with being worshipped or serving the clergy or even religion as a whole. Naturally, the church tries to suppress Living Saints when they do this. Most Saints are too powerful to fight directly, and can only be defeated by the opposite of prayer. A lot of people curse the Living Saint for days on end until enough of their souls die, then the Saint either becomes obedient or dies completely.

250 years ago, a mass Living Saint rebellion led by Saint Korz, patron saint of war (oops), caused the formation of Hasc, an independent democratic republic of Living Saints and Living Saint equalists located in The Holy Pentacle in the middle of the four most religious countries in Beringia: Sacra, Benedicta, Suspensia, and Termina. Gehenna used to be the fifth country in The Holy Pentacle before it left to do its own thing. The original Saint Korz is long dead, but worship of Saint Korz is so widespread in Beringia that there’s always at least one Saint Korz who survived their journeys to Hasc, so Hasc is always well-defended. The current Saint Korz are an elderly Alexandrian woman who got elected as Minister of War and a 7-year-old Bourbon boy who goes to school and isn’t even remotely involved with the military.

The church would prefer if Hasc was routed and all the Living Saints there returned to holy service, but nobody can do anything because Gehenna, the bulwark against plague, wholehearted and aggressively supports Hasc and its endeavors for Living Saint liberation. Why? Living Saints are a new source of heritable mages that aren’t already super inbred by centuries of royal marriage. Becoming a Living Saint doesn’t make a person have more magic potential, but a Living Saint can only form in someone with huge innate magic potential. By modern times, every legitimate Gehenna royal is descended from at least three different Living Saints.

There is much debate in non-Hasc non-Gehenna society on whether marrying and having children with Living Saints is admirable or abhorrent. Some believe that because Saints are holy, the children of Saints are also holy. Others believe that Gehenna is contaminating their royal bloodline by marrying whatever random peasants and vagrants and students who died in a church. Some Saint marriages are in direct contradiction to canon, especially if they were a martyred virgin of legend or actual historical celibate monk. There is also an issue with personhood, since it can be argued that a Living Saint isn’t a real human with an intact soul.

Imagine being a villager praying to your local saint every day, but then one day, she leaves by possessing the body of a girl who fell off the church roof while playing. Everyone is very sad from the combined blows of the girl’s death, losing the epicenter of your community, your prayers going unanswered, and feeling like you are unworthy of the saint and it’s your fault she left. You keep praying to the silent statue, but it isn’t the same. Years later, news comes in that the Living Saint is alive and well and fucking the Pope.

Living Saints are basically unheard of in Surenia. The more a society accepts magic, the less likely for Living Saints to form. Mages can sense the fragments of human souls in religious items, and worshippers who are aware of this tend to lose faith, or treat prayer as purely transactional instead of genuinely believing they are communing with a higher consciousness. A statue being prayed to like a person is more likely to become a person, and vice versa.

For example, a saint statue in Albany is fed with prayers like:

saint marta please please please make osten propose to me I can’t wait any longer hello saint marta I am seven years old and prayer book said today is the day to pray for a good husband I would like a good husband but not too soon maybe when I am ten years old my husband is angry with me again may we have enough money for both a lavish wedding, a new house, and taxes by the end of the year sweetheart is out there somewhere I will find him and finally be happy I ask this of you even though this task is impossible even for god my husband has the plague he’s all alone in the plague house everyone else sees him as dead he can’t die he can’t die he can’t die he can’t die if I am the last person he remembers will I die next �� I tried throwing darts at books I tried growing onions in a grid but I still don’t know the name of my true love saint marta at least reveal the first letter to me I need to know how do I make him stop drinking I am so scared daughter moved to a new town to be married and I miss her so much may saint marta protect her i am now old and ungainly husband says he loves me but I need peace of mind saint marta give me a sign is it a sin to abandon my children I need to leave I can’t stay here anymore saint marta our marriage is blessed thank you please take these almonds. i am frightened of strangers i am frightened of dancing i will never find someone to love me on my own saint marta help me

The souls in this statue are thus very likely to develop into a real consciousness that is highly motivated to leave.

Meanwhile deity statues in Veilheim are fed with:

MAY ALL WHO USE MY POWER FLOAT AS HIGH AS THEY DESIRE

i am not very magical but if i pray more maybe Floating Goddess will be biased i will float more

Floating Goddess stores a combination of Death, Gore, and Industrial Magic. Those of us who are more prosthetic than flesh and bone may have difficulties floating so I will give the Floating Goddess more Industrial Magic.

who the fuck put the bathroom on the top floor of a building only accessible by Floating Goddess

The souls in this statue know they are here to serve as fuel for others’ prayers so they won’t leave.

Due to divergent cultural developments, sane revenants are magical beings that are only common in Surenia and Living Saints are magical beings that are only common outside of Surenia.

Living Saints can’t get vampirism because this loser knockoff disease can’t deal with many souls at once.

Interesting things happen when Living Saints get the plague. After the normal giant bruise upon infection, the plague has to recognise every piece of soul, raising the incubation time from five years to so long that the Living Saint dies before plague symptoms start to show. In this time, the Living Saint could have infected countless people. Because there is no soul left, although the body is a plaguebearer, it will not come back as a revenant. If the original soul is there, then the incubation period starts from the beginning and the person is affected by the plague as normal. Once they die, their soul immediately balloons to its original size as the Living Saint.

Usually after death, a revenant takes several hours to several weeks before moving, but a Dead Saint’s soul is so huge that upon death, the body is flung about erratically and torn to pieces under its own necromancy, as well as causing indiscriminate damage to its surroundings with its secondary genre of magic. A Dead Saint will uncontrollably destroy everything nearby with magic until its body is reduced to paste, spreading infectious fluids everywhere in the process. Woe betide you if a Dead Saint breaks free and starts splattering down the street.

This is a huge controversy between Gehenna and the church. Gehenna believes all plaguebearers should be killed and burned, while the church believes killing a Living Saint is an unforgivable sin. It can be argued that a plaguebearing Living Saint can live in a way that doesn’t infect anyone, but there is always the risk of a Dead Saint. Ultimately, the church justifies its own cursing of rebellious Living Saints and mercy towards plaguebearing Living Saints because the plague unrelentingly damns people no matter what and the ultimate sin is disobeying the church, while Gehenna supports Living Saint liberation and burns all plaguebearers because the plague is a bacteria that you get as consequence of your own negligence, and disobeying the church is the most practical thing to do at this point.

Life in Veilheim seems so simple in comparison. Succumb to plague and let the city take care of you. Die happy and achieve eternal life as a revenant.

#thief's apprentice #worldbuilding #graphic injuries #religion #long post

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yallreddieforthis · 5 years

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Impossible Things

Fandom: It Chapter Two, It (2017)

Pairing: Richie Tozier/Eddie Kaspbrak

Rating: Explicit (in later chapters)

Words: 1.9k

Also on AO3

“What the fuck,” he mutters, trying his key one more time. His therapist always says he’s too quick to jump right to the doom and gloom. Maybe he didn’t get evicted all of a sudden. Maybe he just put the key in upside down or… Nope. His key straight up does not work.

And then suddenly the door swings open and Richie whacks him in the shoulder with a frying pan.

August 7, 2013 was the worst day of Eddie Kaspbrak’s life. He got dumped on a breakfast date by this guy he was kind of very into at the time, he totaled his brand-new Dodge Dart...by hitting a cop car, spilling iced coffee all over himself in the process. And that was just before work.

When he got to work, he was informed by fucking Claudia of all people that his favorite patient who was supposed to make a full fucking recovery had died during the overnight shift. He spent the rest of the day completing paperwork for his now-deceased buddy over in 44G, and playing a super fun game ferreting information back and forth between one of the endocrinologists--who was on a cruise with almost no reception--and her crazy bitch of a patient who insisted that Dr. Google told her she could cure her diabetes with a combination of like six essential oils and lemon juice. And also fighting over the phone with Marcus from Geico. Fuck Marcus from Geico and his manager Suzanne.

Anyway, yeah, that day was fucking nothing compared to this Saturday, when he went back to his shitty ass hometown, watched the first guy he ever loved die in his arms and then wiggled out the back door of a collapsing house containing all his childhood friends.

He’s pretty sure he hasn’t completely processed the awfulness of the whole thing yet. He’s done a decent amount of crying, but like… God, where to even begin? There’s literally no one alive who he can talk to about what he went through. The idea of keeping all this shit to himself for the rest of his life makes him want to consider pulling a Stan. Not that he ever would, actually. Because he’s a stubborn bitch, and when life tells him to go fuck himself, he usually just yells it right back.

Also he got stabbed in the fucking face by Henry Goddamn Bowers. And like, Ben did a decent job patching it up with gauze and superglue, but Eddie hauled ass to Urgent Care and got some actual stitches once he realized there was nothing else he could do at Neibolt. He’d been a fucking mess...like, crying and shit, but even in that state he could tell that the standard of care at Derry Clinic was subpar at best and he kept having to correct the NP who was sewing him up until she finally snapped and asked if he’d rather just do it himself. Actually, he normally would have preferred to, but his hands had been shaking too badly. He definitely plans to have it looked at by Dr. Lim, who will for sure know the best way to keep scarring to a minimum, as soon as he’s back at work.

Also, he was hoping that all the weird shit that had been going down with Pennywise and stuff would have fucking stopped after they killed It, but when he got back to the Derry Townhouse and went to get his shit from his room, there were three goddamn suitcases in there and he couldn’t figure out why. The first one had enough crap in it for like a three week trip, although the clothes weren’t all his. Also, the second one was filled with a bunch of pill bottles with his name on them for prescriptions Eddie has never needed, and his actual medication, amitriptyline, was not among them. But to be totally honest, by that point, he was so fucking tired and upset that he just kind of went fuck it and hauled everything into the back of a cab and got the fuck out of there.

And now he’s standing on the curb at LAX waiting for an Uber to take him back to his apartment in West Hollywood, where he can cry in private and maybe eat a pint of frozen yogurt from Whole Foods. Greek yogurt, of course, for the probiotics.

The first thing that strikes him as amiss back in LA is when he gets up to his apartment and there is a mat that says WELCOME TO THE SHITSHOW on it that he definitely did not buy in front of his apartment and his list of instructions for delivery men has been taken off his door.

Then he tries to open the door and his key doesn’t fit, which makes no fucking sense at all, unless Ms. Slavkin changed the locks while he was gone, which would be super illegal and also mean. Like, they’re on good terms, he thinks, especially since she barely speaks English and he knows exactly no Russian. They’ve never had a problem, though. His rent is always paid up on time. She brought him vatrushka two weeks ago and he referred her grandson for a volunteer position at Cedars Sinai over the summer. They’re good.

And then suddenly the door swings open and Richie whacks him in the shoulder with a frying pan.

“Ow! What the hell?”

Literally everything about what just happened is impossible though, because Richie is:

Dead. He died in Eddie’s arms under the Neibolt house less than 48 hours ago after telling him he fucked his mom one last time for good measure. Like...even while he was bleeding out he couldn’t… God. Anyway…

A resident of Illinois, last time Eddie checked. He even said some shit the other day about security at O'Hare. That’s… that’s the one in Chicago, right? It’s not LAX, Eddie knows that for sure.

Richie looks about as dumbfounded as Eddie feels. He does not apologize for hitting Eddie with a frying pan, although it’s not exactly cast iron. At best, it’s aluminum.

Which is another weird thing. Eddie uses exclusively cast iron or enamel cookware in his apartment because he’s not some kind of idiot sauteing his veggies in perfluorinated chemicals. The frying pan Richie is holding right now is undoubtedly riddled with BPA that would seep into his food and cause thyroid problems.

And honestly the only reason he’s probably getting hung up on that is that he expects Richie to disappear as soon as he blinks, because what the fuck would he actually be doing here. It’s going to hurt a lot more than that frying pan did when he evaporates, and Eddie’s going to feel like he lost him a second time.

Any second now.

Nothing else happens though, except that Richie manages to squeak out, “Eddie?”

And it’s corny to think, but it’s his voice that leaves no doubt in Eddie’s mind that it’s really him. Because Richie Tozier can sound like almost anybody in the world, but there’s no one that can sound like Richie. Even Pennywise never tried to imitate him. Because no one can. That, Eddie is sure of.

Dead is… Eddie is a nurse, and he’s no stranger to death. Richie was dead. No one could survive that kind of blood loss. But that also doesn’t change the fact that Richie is standing in front of him, in his apartment somehow, alive and breathing and miraculously free of giant holes in his chest. Also, this past weekend has had Eddie really rethinking his personal beliefs on what is and isn’t possible.

“Oh god, Richie—” Eddie reaches out and places a hand on Richie’s chest. Richie doesn’t stop him, but he also doesn’t react other than staring at Eddie’s hand, like he’s still unconvinced that Eddie is really Eddie.

Also he’s apparently speechless for the first time in his life.

“What the fuck,” he breathes out. His heartbeat is pounding beneath Eddie’s fingers. “I… we had to leave you. God, I tried to—”

“What?” Eddie interrupts him. “You died. Right in my arms, like, right in front of my fucking face and then you all got sucked into that pit and I—”

“What? No. Wh--wait. Wait wait wait. How did you find my apartment?” Richie demands.

“Uh, excuse me, this is my—”

But Eddie doesn’t finish that sentence because at that moment he looks past Richie into the living room and his point dies on the tip of his tongue. This is not his apartment. The doormat wasn’t lying. This is some kind of bachelor pad nightmare. One sofa, no art on the walls, a TV that’s too big for the room. Eddie glances up at the number on the door. Seven. It’s the right number, the outside of the place looks right…

“What did you do to my house?!” Eddie cries, because of course he’s happy Richie is alive—too happy to even process it properly—but he’s not going to pretend he won’t be pissed if Richie donated all of his good Pottery Barn furniture.

“Your— I live here, dipshit,” says Richie, apparently kind of snapping out of it. “I’ve lived here for like ten years.”

“You told me you lived in Chicago and—”

“Yeah,” says Richie. “Well, like kind of. I have an apartment there, usually sublet it. Didn’t think I needed to get into my whole real estate history, cause it’s not like we had bigger things to worry about.”

“Just—”

“You know what?” says Richie. “Just fucking come in. Let’s...can you call Mike?”

“Mike isn’t dead either?!” Eddie cries. What--How--

“Of course not,” says Richie. “I mean he better not be, I’ve been texting him all day.”

Eddie takes his phone out of his pocket and goes to his recent call history. He taps on the Derry number that called him the other day, back in another fucking lifetime, while rolling his suitcase into this like sham of an apartment that apparently Richie lives in.

We’re sorry, your call cannot be completed as dialed…

“You try Mike,” Eddie says, shaking his head. “My phone says his number is disconnected.”

Richie is texting furiously. He sinks down into the couch.

“Does that thing have like bed bugs?” Eddie asks, because the couch looks kind of suspect if he’s being honest. Like the kind of thing Richie might have dragged in off the sidewalk.

Richie makes a face. “No, what the fuck, of course not.”

Eddie sits down next to him on the edge of his seat, still not entirely convinced about the bed bug situation.

“I’m gonna FaceTime Mike, cause…” Richie shakes his head. “Fuck, I don’t know. Mike’s the crazy bitch with all the answers, right?”

Richie then does something kind of un-Richie-ish. He turns to the side and drops his head on Eddie’s shoulder, inhaling shakily and deeply. It’s then that Eddie notices his coffee table is littered with tissues.

“What?” Eddie asks him. He gets the distinct impression that Richie is about to cry, maybe, which is terrifying. And that’s stupid because Eddie works in a goddamn hospital. He deals with crying people every day. But there’s something about being around Richie that just… He feels like they’ve fallen back into the dynamic they had when they were kids. And teenage Eddie wouldn’t have known how to deal with Richie crying and so adult Eddie is kind of panicking over the thought of trying to figure that shit out on the fly.

If Richie starts crying, Eddie probably will too. This situation is… Honestly, it’s super overwhelming. He doesn’t feel equipped to deal with this fuckery.

Just then though, Mike picks up. Like a flash, Richie lifts his head up off Eddie’s shoulder and shoots Mike a shit-eating grin.

“Explain this shit, Mikey,” he says, and turns the screen to face Eddie.

Mike immediately drops his phone.

#reddie #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #it chapter two #my fics #impossible things fic #fanfic #losers club #it chapter two spoilers

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andonutty · 4 years

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a fool’s guide to coping w bpd

ok so for the record im NOT a mental health professional, im just... someone with bpd who’s coping and thought i’d share my tips. i think making a post like this will a) reach more people, and b) help my friends more than me just offering advice when they come to me for help. bpd affects everyone differently, and i can’t claim to totally understand the struggles of everyone who has it, but if you’re struggling right now and you just don’t know what to do or where to go, i gotchu fam. so without further ado... a step-by-step guide for coping with bpd

tw for mentions of emotional manipulation, self-harm, and suicide. none of it is in-depth, but i figured i’d warn anyway.

1) decide that you want to cope in a healthier way.

this seems kinda strange as a first step, but to me it really is the most important step. living with bpd all my life and being in therapy since i was 10 taught me a lot about willingness. saying “i want to be healthier” sounds like a no-brainer, but it’s actually really difficult. you have to sit yourself down and ask yourself: do i really want to fundamentally change the way i think about situations, about myself, and about other people? am i willing to work on this, even though it’s hard? and am i willing to give up on the unhealthy coping mechanisms i’ve been clinging onto?

i’m being totally genuine here: it took me years to get to the point where i could say: yeah, i really, really want to stop emotionally manipulating people to get what i want. i’m so sick of basing my self-worth on what other people say and do. i’m so scared that i am my bpd, and that there’s nothing else inside me; i don’t want it to be that way anymore. i want to have healthy and fulfilling relationships with other people. i want people to stop being afraid of me. i want to love myself. i really and truly do. and only when you come to that (awful, gut-wrenching) revelation can you actually start helping yourself. if you’re not at that point, that’s totally fine. i had to go through a hell of a lot to get there, and i understand not everyone is there. i wish everyone who can’t make this decision yet the best, but i really don’t think this post will be the miracle cure you’re hoping for. you can still read it for sure! i’m just saying that this first step was an extremely necessary one for me, and the next steps get a lot easier once you make this decision.

okay, so you’ve come to the realization that you really, really want to learn some new coping mechanisms. where do you start?

2) look into dbt (dialectical behaviour therapy).

ok. i’ve been going through dbt for a while, and i swear to god, it’s good. dbt was made for people with bpd, and it’s different from cbt in that the skills aren’t just cognitive. there are four sections of dbt skills: mindfulness, emotion regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness. it may seem overwhelming, but all these skills are very practical and don’t just focus on “hey you’re thinking this? stop it.“ if you have access to a counsellor or therapist, ask them about dbt. if you don’t have access, try to find some stuff you can work on online. i did a quick search and found three sites (one, two, three).

if you have a therapist or counsellor that you can talk to about this, feel free to skip the rest of this section (or read it so you can surprise your therapist with your knowledge). for those of you who don’t have someone to guide you through this, i’m aware all these skills seem incredibly daunting. my recommendations for beginner skills are the following:

PLEASE skill, or reducing vulnerability to emotions (under emotion regulation)

nonjudgmental stance (under mindfulness)

stop, tip, distraction, or improve skills (under distress tolerance)

dear man or myths about interpersonal effectiveness (under interpersonal effectiveness)

reducing emotion vulnerability was the first skill i started working on. when i was first diagnosed with bpd, i was working at a restaurant without any meal breaks. i’d have meltdowns at work and after work, and it took this skill for me to realize that i needed to pack a snack or eat right after getting off my shift, because i was most vulnerable to my emotions when i was hungry or tired. when you understand how food, sleep, exercise, mood-altering substances, etc. all play into how vulnerable you are to your emotions, you can start thinking more clearly about situations and you can start coping ahead to reduce that vulnerability ahead of time. you’d be surprised how much this one helps.

nonjudgmental stance is probably one of the most helpful skills i learned. one of my therapists put it this way: if bpd is an allergy, then invalidation is the allergen. meaning: the thing that’s going to irritate your bpd and trigger problem behaviours is invalidation of emotions. it’s shame, and judgment. everyone judges themselves (which isn’t really healthy, but it is a part of our societal structure), but for us? that shit hurted. i can’t count the amount of times that i’ve been crying and then thought something like “god, you’re just so pathetic“ and started crying even harder. our impulsive behaviour and the decisions we regret almost always stem from a core feeling of being invalidated. remember that time that you were talking about your feelings to someone and they seemed dismissive, so you decided you hated them with every fiber of your being? yep, me too. that’s us reacting to invalidation. in general, we don’t really validate ourselves. quite the opposite! most of the time, we tear ourselves down and expect others to fill that void for us. (a lot of people do this, but it’s really problematic for us in particular because of our generally self-destructive behaviour.) so learning to be compassionate with ourselves is a really important step to take. if you like meditations, look up loving kindness and self-compassion meditations. rain is also a really good meditation to do, but i think it can be really painful to do when you’re just starting out. i’ve linked it at the bottom if you want to check them out, but try not to overload yourself! just stick to one you really like.

stop, tip, distract, and improve are all really good skills to start out with because they’re skills you use for when your skills run out. if you find yourself really struggling with crisis situations a lot, these are good to start out with. they’re specifically meant to calm you down, to get your emotions and adrenaline to a manageable level. if you struggle a lot with engaging in problem behaviour under stress, this one is golden. i used to struggle a lot with substance abuse, and these skills were lifesavers. instead of going right for the substance, i’d use stop. i’d distract myself for a while, surf the urge until the wave of emotion passes. then i could use skills like please by getting something to eat, or dear man by addressing the interpersonal problem with a level head. and on that note...

dear man / myths about interpersonal effectiveness, which is a great skill if your main problem is about asking for help or establishing boundaries. i used to have a lot of problems about asking for things properly (hence my habit of emotionally manipulating others to get what i wanted or needed), because i felt that if someone said no to me, i wouldn’t be able to handle it. or that people would hate me if i asked for things, or that i should be able to handle things on my own. in a way, it felt easier to rely on making others feel bad for not doing more for me rather than to ask outright. these myths are hard to unlearn, but it’s a good place to start if your main trigger is about boundaries or asking for help.

ok, so you’ve started working on a skill. a skill. don’t burn yourself out here, it’s okay (and more productive) to just focus on one instead of trying to change yourself overnight. and on that note...

3) be kind. remember change won’t happen overnight, and keep going.

this one is difficult, because... like, it’s not gonna be easy. i remember i used to have meltdowns and think, “no. i’m tired of being skillful. i’m tired of being the bigger person. i’m sick of this.” and that’s why the first step is so important, because you’re going to need that resolve to say, “hey, i haven’t engaged in my problem behaviour for so long. let’s not start now. i know it’s frustrating, i know it’s so easy to go back to what we know, and at the same time, i want to be better. i know i can be better.”

and even if you do engage in that problematic behaviour again (which, let’s face it, you probably will, because no one is perfect and everyone messes up, and that’s 100% okay), you need to remember this and be compassionate with yourself. everyone messes up. everyone says things they don’t mean to. everyone does things that they regret. everyone falls into old patterns from time to time. what’s important here is to stop beating yourself up over it and start doing something different. if you went back to self-harm, if you started calling up everyone you know and threatening to kill yourself, whatever it is — don’t conflate yourself with the behaviour. instead, take ownership of it. make amends with those you hurt instead of running away or self-sabotaging, think about what happened and try to make sure it doesn’t happen again. slip-ups happen to everyone. literally everyone. so please try not to be hard on yourself if it happens. be disciplined, but not harsh. i promise, beating yourself up over mistakes is only going to hurt you and everyone around you.

conclusion

if you’ve read this far, thank you so much for doing so. i know that when you’re in the thick of it, it’s so hard to imagine yourself having a future, to imagine that you can make friends, keep people around, be anything but the sum total of your perceived failures. but you can. it’s difficult, believe me, it’s difficult, but it’s possible. and i believe you can do it. and trust me, there’s no way you’re going to disappoint me, no matter how much you feel like you’ve fucked up. if you can, just try it out, and i’ll be cheering you along every step of the way.

more resources, if you’d like them:

in general, this site is pretty good for handouts. and again, here are the three sites i linked above (one, two, three) that i found through a cursory search.

also, look into unhelpful thinking styles if you want. this is the worksheet i have, and it’s genuinely really useful. i keep it in my workbook and look at it to remind myself of when i’m unintentionally using them.

russ harris, who talks a lot about living a fulfilling life. here are some videos of his that i really like (internal struggles, the choice point, the struggle switch).

jon kabat-zinn and mbsr (mindfulness-based stress reduction). seriously if you’re into mindfulness this guy is so good. 9 attitudes in particular is a video i personally really like.

the aforementioned rain meditation, by tara brach. this one is all about learning what you need and providing it for yourself. it’s part of the larger loving kindness and self-compassion umbrella.

kristen neff has a website with self-compassion exercises, as well as books and such that she’s published. if she’s not your style, search up loving kindness or self-compassion meditations and i’m sure you’ll find other people that you might vibe with more.

i know brené brown deadass exploded in popularity a while back, but there’s a reason she did. all of her stuff about shame is incredible. here are two of her ted talks that hit different for me personally (listening to shame, the power of vulnerability)

also, if you can... maybe invest in a dbt skills workbook. i use the actual marsha linehan dbt skills training book, which can be a little complicated, but it works for me because my therapist is there to explain it. i’ve heard good things about the dbt skills workbook by matthew mckay, but i’ve never used it personally so i can’t attest to how comprehensive it is. if you can go to like, an actual bookstore and flip through the pages, that’d be ideal. but since we’re in a pandemic, idk how feasible that is. i’m not really a self-help book kind of person, but i’d recommend authors like pema chödrön, brené brown, kristen neff, and russ harris (and jon kabat-zinn? does he publish books? if he does then i rec them). if you’re in a post-secondary institution, try checking your school’s library! i’ve found a few books there. also, public libraries tend to have some of these books too. so if you don’t have the money to actually go out and buy these books, i’d suggest borrowing books from libraries and photocopying the pages.

#bpd #borderline personality disorder #bpd help #bpd advice #bpd skills #ok to reblog #idk i wont tag this anymore #i just.... so many friends of mine are going through it and i just want to offer a comprehensive starting point #i remember how lost i felt once i started wanting to cope in healthier ways #so im just out here. im out here #anyway i rly hope this helps! i might make more posts in the future bc. talking abt skills helps me practice them too #plus i just like to Help. im full of information and love

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naturallysuperbullshit · 4 years

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S2 E9: Croatoan

First || Previous || Next

So Sam's visions happen partially in slowmo now for Extra Drama I guess

"I saw a dark room" uh no that room was pretty well lit???

That tat looks really crisp so I guess we're supposed to believe this guy only got it a few weeks ago lmao... come on there's ways to artificially age tattoos with makeup, I'm sure of it.

"Nobody knows what really happened, they were just gone, wiped out overnight" pretty sure the accepted theory is that the colonists assimilated into the Croatoan tribe nearby but yeah, sure, let's use more racist narratives and appropriate some more Native cultures. It's what this show does best.

So no one else in town noticed that the phones are all useless yet? Uh huh, sure

So how did Mr. Tanner and Jake get the virus in the first place tho

Okay I did get a chuckle out of the "WTF" license plate

Mmm the bloody carseat is...... Bad

This episode just makes me think of that tumblr post about historic doctors that's like "yeah you got ghosts in your blood"

"What's up?" "Quarantine." 13 year old SPN episode giving us 2020 moods

So John thought "Croatoan" was the name of a demon fucking.... WOW how racist can you GET

Yeah no shit the doctor doesn't have a cure on hand she only figured out it was a virus like ten minutes ago, come on, Sam

I don't understand why Sarge let Duane in without thinking after straight up wasting his neighbors like... why aren't you suspicious of Duane????

This feels like the Until Dawn bit where it says "sometimes the right thing to do is nothing" or whatever

Family bonding with the Winchesters: making Molotovs during a mini-apocolypse

Man if they had put Sam down here... what a fucking dark end to the show lmao

Dean is really giving up everything - the Impala, the armory, the chance to escape, his life - because he refuses to let Sam go. Say it with me kids: fore! shad! ow! ing!

Fucking ow don't hit your cast on the table like that Sam, I know it hurts

"I'm tired, Sam. I'm tired of this job... this life... this weight on my shoulders, man." Oh Dean, you aren't even halfway through s2 of a 15 season show, you'd better strap the fuck in, honey, you got a big storm comin'

So did Sam not get infected bc he's a Special Boy or because the demonic reckoning happened 2 minutes after he was exposed? Questions we'll never know the answer to

oh shit I forgot Duane was a demon all along. He's not nearly as cute killing people as Meg is.

Oh we do get an answer, Sam's immune. For once, I ask a question and i get an answer almost immediately. Incredible.

Can't believe the boys are actually talking things out like adults, is this still the same show? Am I still watching SPN? Mind it takes a while for Dean to get to the point, and there's a fade to black before Dean says the important bit, but it's a step in the right direction.

Sam uses annoying little brother! It's super effective!

"Croatoan" final thoughts: This episode is... extremely racist, and I think they definitely could have still done the demonic virus plot without tying it back to the Roanoak colony and Croatoan tribe. Literally just... make it a new thing. That makes more sense anyways, imo, bc why would demons want to wipe out a colonial settlement in the first place.

#s2e9 #croatoan #spn s2 #supernatural #supernatural notes

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bensboynton · 5 years

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Could you do something a little angsty and lots of fluffiness (can be blurb, headcanons, whatever you feel) with Ben and him cheering you up when you're not feeling so good about yourself or your looks? Thank you so much, and welcome back!

thank you love!! glad to be back. hope you like this one!!

SLEEPOVER!!!

word count:

warnings: body/look insecurities, unedited, swearing(no one is shocked!)

ben comforting insecure reader headcanon

so we all know ben is a soft little shit.

and we all know that he’d be whipped as fuck for his girl.

he’d be like… kissing the floor that she walks on.

so you could imagine the sound of his heart shattering into a thousand tiny pieces to come home to you crying in front of the mirror.

he’d rush to your side and wrap you into a tight hug, trying to comfort you.

his stomach would literally drop at the sight of you being so sad, mostly because he had never seen you like that before.

after you calm down, he would lay on the bed with your head on his chest and try to coax all the emotions you were feeling out.

you mumbled something about how ben could do better than you, how you felt you weren’t good enough.

ben’s jaw would drop to the floor when you said that. literally.

he’d jolt up and search your eyes for a few seconds.

“you’re joking, right?” (bro i read this in his voice and i’m crying rn)

he’d wrap you up into his arms and lift you off the bed, swinging you around while his brain reels in disbelief.

he’d set you down in front of the mirror again.

“see that girl in the mirror? she’s the most drop-dead gorgeous person i’ve met in my entire life. and sometimes, i look at her and i genuinely can’t believe that she’s my girlfriend. and when she laughs my heart beats a little bit faster, and her eyes are somehow the same exact shade as the sky, which i’m kind of jealous of, honestly. and when she smiles… wow. it’s like someone cranked up the exposure and saturation in a room because she lights it up just with her presence.”

he’d turn you around to look at him and he’d make direct eye contact with you, his hands resting on your shoulders.

“if you ever have any thoughts like that again, call me. i don’t care where i am, what i’m doing, or who i’m with. call me so i can talk you down from that because i swear to god my chest was hurting when you told me that. you’re the most precious and important thing in my life and i need you to know that.”

he would immediately wrap you into a hug again, showering you with love, kisses, and affection.

ben is another level of clingy after that. literally always touching you, whether it’s kissing, holding hands, hugs from behind, chin on the top of your head.

never leaves your side and practically forces you to wear his clothes because he swears it’s the sexiest thing in the world.

he’d tell you to give him a fashion show wearing his hoodies that are about three sizes too big for your frame, and you’d waltz around the living room, laughing from slight embarrassment but also at ben’s reaction.

he’d pick you up off the ground and spin you around, and then give you a very passionate kiss on the lips.

“beautiful.”

from that moment on, he’d never let an opportunity to tell you how perfect you are go to waste.

at the grocery store in sweatpants or at a red carpet premiere, he’d remind you of your worth and just how much you mean to him.

especially during sex, holy fuck.

like he’d be praising you for every single thing you do, the entire time.

and i’m pretty sure if i had ben as my hype man i’d be the most badass bitch of all time let me TELL YOU!

and you’d be the same way.

of course, you’d still have off days. everyone does! because self-love isn’t something that’s cured overnight. it’s a journey; a process.

but ben would be there for you on the good days, the bad days, the mediocre days, and everything else in-between.

he was in it for the long haul, which was made very apparent very soon after the first incident of ben walking in on you in tears while looking in the mirror.

but you’d get better with the help of a very special blonde haired man, and it soon became your turn to remind him of what he meant to you.

#ben hardy #ben hardy fanfic #ben hardy x reader #ben hardy x you #ben hardy imagine #ben hardy blurb #ben hardy headcanon #ben hardy cute #borhap #borhap boys #borhap cast #bohemian rhapsody movie #bohemian rhapsody #bohemian rhapsody cast #bohemian rhapsody blurb

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serendipitioussurvival · 5 years

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The Problem with Reality, Pt 2

<Prev> The Monologue of one Maczysz Stilinski/Hale

“They say that, when you die, your life flashes before your eyes. Honestly though? That’s such a load of bullshit. Do you have any idea how many times I’ve almost died? Do you know how many of those incidents I’ve seen a play by play of my life? None, not even when I actually fucking died! I’ve been cheated out of a lot of shit in my life, a lot of good shit too, so I’m going to do the play by play! Ahem.

I was born Maczysz Angelika Stilinski to humans Claudia Stilinski and Jeorek ‘John’ Stilinski. I was an angelic kid no matter what anyone says. The first few years of my life were great, eating, sleeping, pooping and having someone else clean it up. That was nice, I guess, but then I got to be introduced to the wonderful world of education. Let me tell you - hell doesn’t even need to exist when you have fucking ADHD and a hyperactive imagination, okay? Not only that, but you put it in the body of a girl whose father was a Deputy and whose mother was a nurse. I was literally exposed to so much information - as much as I could get my hands on!

Believe me, by the time I was six I knew how to hide keys until my dad made copies or had to use the backup. I had a key for his filing cabinets, for the car, and for the front and back doors. I was never going to use them for evil though, maybe to do things I wasn’t supposed to, but never for evil. Anyway, getting off-topic. So, by six I was bilingual for Portuguese and English, a hell of a combination for a kid with ADHD who could barely form coherent sentences, let alone sentences with words that weren’t English.

BUT - it was because of that multilingual gibberish that I landed my best friend, Scott McCall, who also knew Portuguese from his mother and bam! A friendship that lasts throughout multiple realities thank you very much. Then… then I lost my mom. I won’t go into that, I don’t want to, you already know the full situation in detail and it’s still painful. I - it’s my one regret, that little Mischief will have to go through that again, all because I couldn’t save her…

Uh, where - where was I? Oh, anyway, mom died. Dad started drinking. I hated it, had to learn to cook and do laundry. He never hit me or cursed me or anything, but he would - I dunno just give me these looks. Like he was looking for any trace of my mom in me, or he would look at anything but me. So, in true Max fashion, I shaved all my hair off. Scott thought it was punk as hell and told me we were totally brothers now. Hehe, it never bothered me that he saw me as a guy, made me really happy honestly since all my dad could see was my mom in me. So I started spending the night over at his more, studied with him, ate with him and Mel while she taught me how to cook certain dishes - she even let me help, the few times she was free to actually do that.

Then dickhead Rafe - and no I don’t care that it isn’t his real name, he doesn’t deserve to be called anything but Rafe because he hates it so goddamn much - went and left because he chose to drink instead of fixing things with his family after Scottie got hurt. Suddenly we really were siblings, either staying the night over at his while my dad worked over night, or over at mine when Mel worked overnight. We slept in the same bed until we were thirteen - which other people still find weird. Let me tell you, we didn’t stop until he got his first morning wood at fifteen, and we celebrated it because, for the longest time, my poor Scottie thought his dick was broken.

Can I - can I even cuss here? Like, I’m not going to get smited, smote - whatever. I’m already here, fuck it.

Continuing on! At sixteen Scottie and I went all red riding hood into the woods and met the one, the only, Peter Hale. He was half-crazed and the other half of him was running on wolfy instincts, but it was Peter, and the prick decided that he liked my jacket on Scottie and bit him, turning him into a werewolf.

Fast forward a couple more months of Scott trying to kill me, his first full moon where he made out with my crush and cemented the fact that I was definitely not lesbian, and then we get to the juicy bits where Peter killed Kate Argent - I hope that bitch is being burned to death, repeatedly, in hell. In fact - could I, like if I don’t get into Heaven or whatever comes after this, can I go to hell just to burn her? Like, that’d be my heaven. No..? Okay.

Ahem, anyway, uh, Scott hit Peter with a Molotov, killing him, but Peter is crafty so he came back to life a little more sane but no less sassy, and decided to grace my doorstep every few nights with a letter on my window. They weren’t love notes, in fact, I’m pretty sure the first one was him telling me that he wished he had bitten me even though I said no just so his legacy wouldn’t ride on Scott’s shoulders. Looking back it’s funny, but back then I was furious. How dare this sociopathic nut job think my best friend lacks anything.

Peter though, was different. Maybe death really does change you? I dunno, either way, he became more involved in the pack - or, well, he got more involved whenever I was involved. He gave me the research material he’d put together as his family’s bestiary and helped to figure out how to ‘cure’ Jackson’s reptile problem.

Then he helped to deal with the Alpha pack and saved me from being tossed off the roof of the hospital by Ennis. Ah, there was also Scott betraying us, me, for the first time. That was fun, I think - honestly I think that was the first time that I actually touched Peter? Like he was always touching me and brushing against my arm, but I think that had been the first time I had touched him.

It wasn’t anything special, but he stopped my panic attack somehow, and that was great. He was also really firm - ah, nevermind. That’s - that, I was seventeen for crying out loud. Okay? His body was hella nice and his smirk pissed me off and aroused me even when I wanted to kill him again. That night though, it was kind of the turning point. I no longer thought of immediately killing him whenever he annoyed me.

Then the Alpha pack was dealt with, Scott was a ‘True Alpha’, and Deucalion was sent off - which I still don’t agree with, but whatever, I fixed that shit. Deuce gets to see his baby girl grow up now and Gerard is totally burning in hell next to Kate. Hehe, can - like I feel like I’m definitely gonna be sent to hell, so can you like, assign me to them? It’s gotta be their personal hell to see me again. No..? Gosh, I can’t tell what you’re thinking or feeling with that damned mask, whatever. Continuing on with my flashbacks. Ahem!

What was next? Oh yes, the Nogitsune.”

#The Monologue of one Dead(?) Stilinski #Maczysz Stilinski #Female Stiles name is Maczysz #Maczysz Stilinski is Stiles Stilinski #female stiles #Rule 63 Stiles #Steter #Peter Hale #Referenced #Teen Wolf #Time Travel au #au #Character Death #After Death monologue

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