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crosstheveil · 10 months

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Psyche: Relationships (I) - Projection

Many of the traits we seek in others are, in fact, attributes within ourselves that we have disowned. Over time, it becomes apparent that the vitality or power we perceive to be residing in others is inherently within us. However, if our partner is unable or unwilling to relinquish that power, or if we continue to project our internal world onto them, true inner fulfillment may remain elusive.

Consider what you seek in a partner. Could these desirable traits be latent within you? The act of idealizing or deifying someone can spark the romantic phase of any relationship. Yet, once this period is over, the projection dissolves, revealing an unfiltered version of the person underneath. This can mark the beginning of substantial personal growth or the end of a relationship.

Projection is a constant element of human interaction, but awareness is the key to managing it. Relationships can serve as catalysts for spiritual advancement, yet such progression demands introspection and a commitment to change. This dynamic brings to light the conflict between the desires of the ego and the soul.

The ego seeks stability, comfort, and reliability, creating patterns of behavior that are meant to protect us. In order to perpetuate this, the ego casts a shadow of conflict and distress in the face of our soul with everything that runs contrary to its familiarity. These underlying issues are only made conscious through a deeper level of awareness that precedes and bears command over the ego.

To facilitate our development, the soul must expand to the extent which it can endure the discomfort of the ego while it pursues necessary transformation. This may involve difficult conversations and alterations in communication styles. In a relationship committed to growth, both individuals need the strength of their soul to tolerate the ego's distress, otherwise, interactions may devolve into conflicts driven by unresolved childhood issues.

Power struggles between partners often reflect unmet needs from their respective past. The real breakthrough happens when it becomes clear that the other person is not a projection of one's parents or anyone else. Achieving this understanding requires the ability of the soul to manage the ego's discomfort. If comfort and happiness are the sole pursuits, they will likely hinder the growth process within relationships committed to spiritual development, as this path often necessitates a certain level of discomfort.

While self-improvement is a significant component, it's also important to remember that self-deception can occur easily when one is left to their own devices. The dynamics of a relationship tend to reveal the issues we may avoid confronting within ourselves, especially when we have certain expectations. While setting standards for partners is vital, it's equally important to commit to embodying the qualities we aspire to find in others.

“So whenever your relationship is not working, whenever it brings out the "madness" in you and in your partner, be glad. What was unconscious is being brought up to the light. It is an opportunity for salvation. Every moment, hold the knowing of that moment, particularly of your inner state. If there is anger, know that there is anger. If there is jealousy, defensiveness, the urge to argue, the need to be right, an inner child demanding love and attention, or emotional pain of any kind whatever it is, know the reality of that moment and hold the knowing. The relationship then becomes your sadhana, your spiritual practice. If you observe unconscious behavior in your partner, hold it in the loving embrace of your knowing so that you won't react. Unconsciousness and knowing cannot coexist for long even if the knowing is only in the other person and not in the one who is acting out the unconsciousness. The energy form that lies behind hostility and attack finds the presence of love absolutely intolerable. If you react at all to your partner's unconsciousness, you become unconscious yourself. But if you then remember to know your reaction, nothing is lost... See if you can catch yourself complaining, in either speech or thought, about a situation you find yourself in, what other people do or say, your surroundings, your life situation, even the weather. To complain is always nonacceptance of what is. It invariably carries an unconscious negative charge. When you complain, you make yourself into a victim. When you speak out, you are in your power. So change the situation by taking action or by speaking out if necessary or possible; leave the situation or accept it. All else is madness.” — Eckhart Tolle

#relationships #ego #soul #inner child #projections #blame #unconscious #cycles #patterns #acceptance #speaking out #change #boundaries #psychology #psyche

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pavethenewway · 6 months

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Boost Your Confidence with Rapid Transformational Therapy

In the fast-paced world we live in, maintaining confidence and mental well-being is crucial. Rapid Transformational Therapy (RTT) emerges as a powerful tool to boost confidence swiftly and effectively. In this article, we will explore the key aspects of RTT and how it can significantly enhance your self-assurance.

What is Rapid Transformational Therapy?

Rapid Transformational Therapy, developed by renowned therapist Marisa Peer, is an innovative therapeutic approach designed to create rapid and lasting change in individuals. It combines the most effective principles of hypnotherapy, psychotherapy, neuro-linguistic programming (NLP), and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). The goal is to identify and address the root cause of issues, leading to profound transformations in a short period.

How Does RTT Boost Confidence?

1. Uncovering Limiting Beliefs

RTT delves into the subconscious mind to identify and reframe limiting beliefs that hinder confidence. By understanding the deep-seated beliefs that hold you back, RTT empowers you to replace them with positive and empowering thoughts.

2. Overcoming Fears and Insecurities

Confidence often wavers due to unresolved fears and insecurities. RTT provides a safe space to confront and overcome these emotional barriers. Through guided therapy sessions, individuals can gain a deeper understanding of their fears and develop strategies to conquer them.

3. Building a Positive Self-Image

A positive self-image is foundational to confidence. RTT helps reshape the way individuals perceive themselves, fostering a more positive and self-assured identity. As a result, confidence naturally flourishes.

Boost Your Confidence Today with RTT

If you're seeking a rapid and effective solution to boost your confidence, consider incorporating Rapid Transformational Therapy into your personal development journey. The benefits extend beyond confidence enhancement, addressing various aspects of mental well-being.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Q: How long does it take to see results with RTT?

A: The speed of results varies among individuals, but many experience positive changes after just a few sessions. The effectiveness of RTT lies in its ability to create swift transformations.

Q: Is RTT suitable for everyone?

A: Yes, RTT is a versatile therapy that can benefit people of all ages. Whether you're struggling with confidence issues, anxiety, or other challenges, RTT can be tailored to meet your specific needs.

Q: Are the effects of RTT long-lasting?

A: Yes, one of the strengths of RTT is its ability to create lasting change. By addressing the root cause of issues, RTT aims for transformative results that endure over time.

Conclusion

Boosting your confidence with Rapid Transformational Therapy is a proactive step toward a more fulfilling and empowered life. As you embark on this transformative journey, remember that building confidence is an ongoing process, and RTT provides a powerful catalyst for positive change. Take control of your confidence and embrace the transformative power of RTT today.

For more details visit us…

Rapid Transformational Therapy

#counseling #rapid transformational therapy #therapy

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nativespellspowersblog · 7 months

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Why Psychic Reading with the Best Astrologer Is Life-Changing?

In the clamoring city of Melbourne, where advancement and custom coincide agreeably, the journey for more profound experiences into life's secrets frequently drives people to look for the direction of a Psychic Reading Melbourne-trained professional and the insight of the Best Astrologer Melbourne offers. In this blog, we will investigate how these magical and old practices can be life-changing. Through the eyes of talented people who can interface with concealed domains and divine energies, we will dig into the groundbreaking encounters that anticipate the individuals who set out on a mystic excursion with the best astrologer in Melbourne.

Opening Secret Potentials

At the point when you counsel the Best Astrologer Melbourne gloats, you get sufficiently close to a gold mine of information about your intrinsic gifts and secret possibilities. Crystal gazing, a respected science that has endured over the extremely long haul, gives significant bits of knowledge into your exceptional character qualities, qualities, and shortcomings. By perceiving and outfitting these parts of your being, you can pursue informed choices that line up with your actual self.

Exploring Life's Challenges

Life is frequently laden with difficulties and vulnerabilities. Psychic Reading Melbourne specialists offer a lifesaver at such times. Through tarot cards, precious stone ball-looking, or instinctive readings, they can offer direction on the most proficient method to explore the fierce waters of life. The Best Astrologer in Melbourne can uncover the vast powers at play and propose methodologies to conquer snags and track down your way to satisfaction.

Acquiring Lucidity in Relationships

Connections can be quite possibly life's most perplexing and compensating viewpoint. In any case, they additionally bring a decent amount of disarray and struggle. Counseling a Psychic Reading Melbourne expert can give significant bits of knowledge into your connections. Whether it is important of the heart or elements with loved ones, a mystic perusing can enlighten the basic energies at play and deal direction on the most proficient method to encourage concordance and association.

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Numerous people in Melbourne are on a journey for profound edification. The Best Stargazer Melbourne brings to the table frequently fills in as a guide on this profound excursion. Psychic Reading Melbourne can uncover your spirit's motivation and guide you toward a more profound comprehension of your otherworldly way. This enlivening can prompt more noteworthy harmony, happiness, and a feeling of direction throughout everyday life.

Making Informed Profession Choices

Vocation choices are among our main decisions throughout everyday life. Counseling a clairvoyant or crystal gazer in Melbourne can give you significant experiences in your professional way. By understanding your normal tendencies and potential vocation roads lined up with your enormous outline, you can settle on informed decisions that lead to proficient achievement and individual satisfaction.

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Psychic Reading Melbourne experts frequently offer mending modalities that go past the actual domain. Through energy recuperating, chakra adjusting, or emanation purifying, they can assist you with delivering negative energies and injuries that might be keeping you down. This course of mending and internal development can be significantly groundbreaking, permitting you to step into a more splendid, more energetic rendition of yourself.

Timing Is Everything

Soothsaying isn't just about character attributes; it's additionally about timing. The places of heavenly bodies can impact the planning of significant life-altering situations. The Best Astrologer Melbourne can assist you with figuring out the propitious and testing periods in your day-to-day existence, permitting you to pursue key decisions and quickly take advantage of chances when the grandiose energies are in support of you.

Self-Disclosure and Self-Acceptance

Leaving on a clairvoyant excursion with the Best Astrologer Melbourne can be a staggering journey of self-revelation. As you reveal the layers of your mind and investigate the profundities of your spirit, you might discover a newly discovered identity, acknowledgment, and love. This self-esteem turns into a strong impetus for positive change and self-improvement.

Embracing the Unseen

In a world frequently overwhelmed by the substantial and the objective, Psychic Reading Melbourne, and crystal gazing help us to remember the concealed powers and energies that shape our lives. Embracing these enchanted practices can open your brain to the immense secrets of the universe and grow how you might interpret reality.

An encompassing Way to Deal with Well-Being

Psychic Reading Melbourne offers an all-encompassing way to deal with prosperity, tending to the physical, in addition to the close-to-home, mental, and otherworldly parts of your life. This extensive point of view can prompt a more adjusted and satisfying presence.

All in all, the excursion of clairvoyant perusing with the Best Astrologer Melbourne offers is an extraordinary encounter that can change each feature of your life. Whether you look for clearness, direction, recuperating, or self-disclosure, the enchanted crafts of Psychic Reading Melbourne hold the keys to opening your actual potential and carrying on with a satisfying life. In this way, embrace the insight of Melbourne's best soothsayers and mystics, and set out on an excursion of self-disclosure and change that can genuinely be extraordinary.

#Psychic Reading in Melbourne #Best Astrologer in Melbourne

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fictionfromafar · 2 years

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This Wild, Wild Country by Inga Vesper

This Wild, Wild Country

By Inga Vesper

Manilla Press

Publication Date: 4 August 2022

#RandomTTours

I first encountered Inga Vesper at the Bloody Scotland crime fiction festival last year when the author spoke very assuredly about her first novel The Long, Long Afternoon. I found something very adventurous and appealing about a Scottish based German author discussing in such an authentic way about a missing housewife set in California in the late 1950s. While I’ve not yet read that particular book, nor followed up her recommendation to read The Pledge by cult Swiss author Friedrich Durrenmatt, I listened carefully as she discussed the creation and research, both historical and geographical, behind her second novel during lockdown of another period within another location in the USA. This sparked my interest and so 9 months later, I very keenly took up the opportunity to read her new novel This Wild, Wild Country.

In Vesper’s afterforward she states her view that her second novel is in many ways the logical sequel to her first, despite the fact that it is a very separate story due to the cultural changes that have taken place in the 1960s. To further emphasise those changes This Wild, Wild Country is set over two different periods, 1933 just at the ending of prohibition and post Woodstock and Altamont in 1970.

The rural isolated town of Boldville, New Mexico is the claustrophobic setting of this story where we encounter Cornelia Stover. Widowed before her time, Stover is struggling her raise her daughter while also keeping the hotel she had been running her late husband afloat. Unafraid to court controversy in a town with conservative views she employed a native American assistant – in reality she could not afford to pay enough to satisfy a white man – would take in an aging ‘good-for-nothing’ and serve alcohol upon the abolishment of prohibition while the town’s main establishment would refuse to do so. Many of the townsfolk would disapprove of her behaviours considering her as immoral or having lost her mind. They would be reluctant to aid her in any way despite her loss and dependent child. Without wishing to quote a famous song by one time country and vaudeville musician Frankie Marvin, Stover receives a string indication that she may be able to find the riches to get herself out of her financial predicament thus securing a stable upbringing for her daughter. She then vanishes from the town, leaving her daughter, while her assistant is understood to have died.

The sequences of Cornelia Stover’s story are intermittently told through the more contemporary story of Joanne Riley. Once a trainee police woman she has left her home in despair to escape her physically and psychologically abusive policeman husband Dwayne and finds herself in Boldville which by 1970 is now a town in social conflict. While many of the same families are running that town that did so 40 years earlier, a hippie commune has set up in the village. This has led to a culture clash between the hippies who believe in free love, peace and often perceive the authorities to be fascist while the town’s elders are patriots generally supportive of their government, including the war in Vietnam. As Riley arrives in the town, there is the shock discovery that one of the hippies, Mike has been found dead, following a party at the commune. His cousin Lauren, who goes by her hippie name of Glitter is convinced that Mike’s death was no accident, particularly as the drugs found in his possession were not those used in the hippy movement. Together with newcomer Riley she starts to ascertain the final actions of her cousin to try to determine any possible motives for his death. When she discovers he had been developing an interest in the town’s history Glitter’s eventually begins to resolve the mysteries of her grandmother Cornelia Stover disappearance and other occurrences from early 40 years earlier.

Vesper use of social history ensures that this novel is a rich story. her depiction of the hippies, their beliefs and their use of language feels very realistic. In the USA by 1970 the hippie zeitgeist was somewhat on the wane following the deaths at Altamont where an 18 year old was murdered by the Hells Angels provided security and the murders caused by Charles Manson and his followers and I believe the author subtly latches onto this. Her depictions of the differences between the hippies and the other residents of the village are very convincing, creating a tinderbox fraught with tension and suspicion. In particular the introduction of a group of bikers cause great concern for the residents, and even the hippies wonder if they actually share the same ethos. Indeed this also leads to some questions about the drawbacks to free love. Having already informed her old police chief of the suspicious death, Riley keeps her informed on developments in the town.

This Wild, Wild Country explores themes including historical misogyny, prejudice to native Amercans as well as the enduring allure of the gold rush, a slight dissolutionment in the hippie subculture and an exploration of ancient folklore. The regular switches to the narrative between Glitter and Joanne Riley reveals their contrasting perspectives on three subjects while keeping the story flowing fluidly. I found the sections focussed on Cornelia Stover are quite fascinating and just knew there will be greater significance to some of these sections. It’s a case of sitting back, imagining life in the deep and dry south and enjoying how the plot unfolds; while admiring the atmospherics, the scenery and overall sense of mystery. This is not a simple read but it is engrossing, exemplary researched with a wide range of compelling characters, and it's hghly recommended by me.

Many thanks to Anne Cater at Random Things Tours for inclusion on the blog tour and Manilla Press for an advance copy of This Wild, Wild Country. Please look out for the other reviews on this tour as shown below.

Available now in hardback from all good retailers:

#crime fiction #Americannoir #historic fiction

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raine-kai · 3 years

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Contextualizing the Messy AkiHaru Scene

So...it came to my attention that a lot of translations of the scene where Akihiko crashes at Haruki's house in chapter 20 of the manga or the anime movie suggest that nothing happened more than we see in the panels/on the screen.

This is a translation error. The Japanese is unambiguous that a lot happened during the scene break; the art backs this up, in the change to Haruki's hairstyle from before to after the scene break.

Mainly, I want to retranslate for people who are interested, who didn't know that this was a mistranslation. But, I think that no matter how the scene is translated, there are subtexts and undercurrents that are lost, that cannot be simply translated into existence.

So I would like to explain several things in the lead-up to the scene in question, as well as in the aftermath, in order to hopefully give more context.

WARNINGS FOR SPOILERS AND NONCON

Notes on Translation: Given astonished me from its very first chapter with its deliberate and brilliant use of words. It is a story that is so incredibly articulate when it wants to be that moments of wordlessness or fragmented words are equally articulate, for they are crafted with as much deliberation and care as the articulate moments. As anyone knows who has ever tried to translate something, just plain translating the surface meaning of words often leaves a lot of the meaning behind. I will do my best to convey in English what the original text conveyed to me in Japanese, but it will inevitably fall short of the original text.

The Lead-In

First off, let's talk about Akihiko and the particular damage that he brings with him into this scene. He, of course, has the argument with Ugetsu and the fact that he has nowhere to go; but he has also been living this way for two years, presumably only a little longer than he has known Haruki. Akihiko describes the patterns that he and Ugetsu go through:

[Translation: "Even since Ugetsu and I broke up, we periodically continue to clash. Sometimes it's about the timing at which Ugetsu found a new guy. Sometimes it's just before or after Ugetsu is away for a long time. Sometimes these clashes come suddenly, immediately after we have been intimate for a few days, just like we used to be.]

Later, Akihiko reveals that he has a pattern of dealing with being kicked out of the home he shares with Ugetsu by finding someone, anyone to stay with. He has come to associate these stays as transactions, where the thing that he provides is most often sex. (We also see this transaction-based approach in his relationship with Ugetsu, for whom he feels compelled to cook—a thing that he later continues for Haruki with an urgency that does not match Haruki's easygoing acceptance of this dynamic.)

In fact, we see hints that perhaps Akihiko associates crashing with someone with providing sex to a deeper degree than even he acknowledges, in a scene in volume 1 where he crashed at Haruki's apartment while drunk, and upon stating it would be too much trouble to pull out a futon, did not merely crawl into bed with Haruki, but on top of him.

[Translation: Haru: Akihiko, get a futon and sleep wherever... Aki: Whaaat? But that's so much effort... Haru: So sleep on the....floor....]

So this is a deeply engrained association for Akihiko.

However, it is also a part of his life that he has gone out of his way to conceal from Haruki. From Haruki, he has not merely concealed the many times that he has essentially prostituted himself for a place to sleep; he has also hidden from Haruki that he has any flatmate at all, much less the nature of his relationship with said flatmate.

Haruki has the idea that Akihiko used to sleep around, but does not anymore. He is blinded partly by his own desire to see only the best parts of Akihiko; he is also blinded by Akihiko's desire to only reveal the best parts of himself to Haruki.

In volume 4, we see the moment that Akihiko lets slip that he has a flatmate, and the degree to which this shakes Haruki.

But the more emotional moment for Haruki comes when he realizes that Akihiko is talking to him on the phone while having sex with a woman.

[Translation: "That was a woman.... He was totally having sex."]

No promises have been broken; no trust has been betrayed. But there is an illusion of Akihiko that Haruki has, that Akihiko himself has carefully cultivated over the recent months for a reason that even he cannot explain. It is a paper-thin illusion, that only held up because Akihiko and Haruki both wanted it there.

But now, that illusion is shattering.

This just so happens to overlap with Take suggesting that Haruki take on a support role in his ex-gf's band.

Haruki has struggled from volume 1 with insecurities. He is the band leader; he is the one who brought them together, the one who runs their social media, the one who keeps them in line. Given is a band that absolutely would never have existed without Haruki. Yet he feels outshined by the other three members. There are several scenes depicting Haruki struggling with this. Akihiko is often the one to whom he voices his insecurities, and always without fail sets him straight. There is one particular exchange, during the same conversation when Akihiko reveals that he has a flatmate, when Haruki calls himself ordinary (凡人枠) and Akihiko retorts that he is not, he is 調停者枠....which is difficult to translate, but essentially means mediator, but in this case is denoting that he is the one who brings the different pieces of the band together (both musically, and as a person). Akihiko tells him then, "You're the one that everybody seeks," with a particular look in his eyes even as he reaches for Haruki's face. (Haruki pulls away and Akihiko pulls back and laughs it off.)

But the undercurrent is, for the first time, Haruki is beginning to see the truth of the words that he never quite believed. He is wanted and needed...he just needs to find a way to explain this to the other members of Given. In particular, Akihiko, who has always felt to Haruki like someone on equal or higher footing than himself, despite Haruki himself being older.

And these are the undercurrents at play as we head into the scene in question.

The Crucial Chapters 19-20

Akihiko shows up on Haruki's doorstop in the middle of the night, with an injured face from a fight with Ugetsu.

Haruki lets him in and they start talking as usual....but this time, it's different. They are both just a little bit at odds in a way they have never been before.

Haruki is aware, now, of a facet of Akihiko's life that until recently he had believed was left in the past.

Akihiko perceives that Haruki is hiding something, and in his typical way, immediately wants to know what it is.

This is why, when Akihiko asks his questions and asks if Haruki is hiding something, Haruki snaps back in a way we have never seen him do before:

[Tr: "[I am, but] you're one to talk!"]

Akihiko grabs Haruki by the wrist and asks again, and Haruki tells him...but throws in that the band he is doing support for is his ex's band.

Akihiko responds, "So you're going back to your ex?" and proceeds to crawl on top of Haruki to acknowledge for the first time what has always been unspoken between them: "You're in love with me, yet you're gonna run away?"

As Haruki lies sputtering for a response (he tries to pretend ignorance, but can't finish a sentence, between Akihiko pressing closer and his own shock) Akihiko reaches for Haruki's braid—the hair that Haruki has been growing out for as long as he has known Akihiko, as something like a wish charm (願掛け) for his love; the hair that Akihiko is somewhat obsessed with, taking every opportunity he can to play with it or style it—and speaks words that reveal that he is still fixated on Haruki's ex.

[Full text: 春樹さぁ、元カノがどうとか言ってたけど、お前こんなんで本当に女なんか抱いてたの？

Translation: You talk about this ex-girlfriend, Haruki, but did you seriously have sex with women like this?

Note: the こんなんで/"like this" is beautifully ambiguous. On a surface level of course it is referring to Haruki's long hair—with all the years of pining and love for Akihiko that that implies—but it also draws attention to how they are right now. The fact that Akihiko has crawled on top of Haruki as he has before, and Haruki does not fully push him away. It draws attention to the way that Akihiko himself is so central to Haruki's entire being.]

While Haruki flushes and thinks to himself, "Shut up, shut up! I did have sex with women, before I met you!" Meanwhile, Akihiko kisses him—a kiss that the art carefully does not show us lip-to-lip, either only showing us angles where we cannot see the point of contact, or focusing on the contact of only their tongues. Make no mistake, this is not a romantic kiss. This is a kiss full of frustration and pent up emotions and two years of unspoken, unacknowledged emotion brewing between these two.

Akihiko begins to strip Haruki further, and Haruki interjects, 「え、うそ、うそうそ、待った」(tr: "Wha- wait wait wait, just a sec"), which Akihiko ignores, and proceeds to begin performing oral sex on Haruki, even as he acknowledges internally that his actions are taking out his frustration with Ugetsu on Haruki.

[Note: the words Haruki uses at this point are not clear "Stop" signals. え、うそ、待った are all words that convey shock and uncertainty, and it is noteworthy that Haruki does not at any point use a word that would convey an equivalent of "Stop". That doesn't make this consensual, as his consent has not been obtained, but this is important to note, that Haruki deliberately does not ever outright tell Akihiko to stop.]

This is where Akihiko reflects on his messy relationship with Ugetsu, and the lingering hold it has on him:

Even since Ugetsu and I broke up, we periodically continue to clash. Sometimes it's about the timing at which Ugetsu found a new guy. Sometimes it's just before or after Ugetsu is away for a long time. Sometimes these clashes come suddenly, immediately after we have been intimate for a few days, just like we used to be. Like he is urging me, "Great, here's an opportunity. Let's part ways and break up for real." Like he is shutting me out of his world by force, to reinforce that he doesn't need me. What the hell? If you don't want me, why do you allow me to hold on? If you sympathize with my holding on, why do you try to throw me away? I want to trap you. I want to escape. I want to give up. I can't fully give up. I want to touch you. I can't breathe...

And when Akihiko comes back to the present, some time has past. His shirt is gone, Haruki places a hand over Akihiko's with tears in his eyes, and for the first time, says やめてよ [approx. translation: "Please stop," but this is a very gentle way of saying it—a plea in softer language]....and then continues, そんな顔しないでよ、辛そうな顔しないでよ、なんなの？言ってよ、なんでもしてあげるから [tr: "Please stop looking like that, like you're in such pain...What is it? Please tell me. I would give you anything."]

It is the なんでもしてあげるから here that is utterly striking. @edragoon and I debated translations and arrived on "I would give you anything" as the best option, but even with Haruki's soft language leading up to this, even with his words so focused on Akihiko's pain, the sheer love conveyed by these words is heart-wrenching—as is the art, Haruki's hand reaching out to Akihiko's face.

Akihiko has unearthed Haruki's unspoken feeling as part of his self-destructive spiral in a move that he no doubt expected to hurt Haruki, but instead, Haruki has owned up to his no longer hidden feelings and offers all of himself to Akihiko; turns the focus back onto Akihiko and his pain, rather than on himself, as Akihiko probably expected. As no doubt has happened in similar situations with Ugetsu.

And Akihiko, caught between Haruki here and the mess in his heart that is Ugetsu, expresses resentment that these words are coming from Haruki instead of Ugetsu.

"Why did you have to be the one to say that?" Akihiko laments silently, and then out loud,

[tr: "Telling you won't change anything."]

He follows this up with a small, "Sorry," and wonders to himself "Why couldn't it have been you?" (In Japanese, as in English, it is ambiguous whether he is wishing that Haruki were the one he wanted those words from, or that Ugetsu were the one saying those words. The last use of "you" in his internal monologue was directed at Haruki, supporting the first interpretation, but he is also lost in his head, so it would be no surprise if he is swaying back and forth.)

The scene breaks here, and on the next page, Haruki is curled up facing the back of the couch, fully dressed in new clothes and his hair now pulled back in a ponytail, and Akihiko is seated on the floor with his back to the couch, shirtless.

[Tr: "I'm sorry. Truly. I was completely in the wrong."]

Haruki responds, "That's not the part I want an apology for," even as he remembers those damning words, Telling you won't change anything.

[Tr: "...I said I'd give you anything. By the end it was basically consensual."]

Haruki goes on to say Akihiko is free to stay over, but he will be going to a friend's place.

Akihiko visibly panics, but only manages to call Haruki's name once as Haruki tells him he can use anything, can leave the door unlocked, but simply should be gone by morning.

Haruki leaves the apartment, and we see him cry as he walks through the darkened streets as those words Akihiko spoke again.

Left behind, Akihiko berates himself for how much he lets himself lean and depend (甘える) on Haruki, and he reflects on the events with his family and Ugetsu that lead him to where he is, without anywhere else to go. [NOTE: this is no doubt a significant factor in his later decision to move out of Haruki's apartment once as he goes through the process of bettering himself.] He contemplates the ways in which he has behaved towards Haruki, the parts of his own life he has almost instinctively hidden from his view.

Akihiko spends the night on the floor by the couch. (A shot of the clock at one point tells us it is 1:20am.)

We see morning dawn, and it is as Take is at work discussing lunch break that he gets a text from Akihiko, asking if he's seen Haruki. It is in the evening, when Take goes home, that he finds Haruki listless and hollow-eyed in front of his apartment.

The clock reads 9:40pm when Haruki comes home at last. Apart from the few hours he was with Take, Haruki has spent the better part of a night and a day alone who knows where.

[Tr: "Oh, you're still here"]

The hair that Akihiko had adored, the hair that Haruki had been growing since the day he met and fell for Akihiko, is cut short.

The Aftermath

The two of them don't shy away from the subtext of the last day—especially Haruki, who says blandly, "Sorry, but I'm tired after your rejection of my feelings, as you can see. Please go home." And when Akihiko tries to reach for him with a, "Wait, but—" his hand his slapped away by Haruki, who informs him, "Look, I'm angry at you." and cuts off Akihiko's attempted apology one syllable in with an admonishment that an apology will only make him angrier.

But Akihiko says what he should have said the night before—that he is at the end of his rope and has nowhere to go. He quietly asks to be permitted to stay in Haruki's apartment, assuring him that he will sleep on the floor, that he will not do anything again. He begs for Haruki to help him.

Haruki is furious.

「サイアク」the narration repeats: "[This/he] is the worst."

At last, Haruki agrees, but with the words, "If you weren't a band member, I'd throw you out."

The next day at band practice, Akihiko and Haruki are wildly out of sync, and while Haruki puts on a carefree smile for Uenoyama and Mafuyu, he is still spiraling with despair and humiliation.

And yet Akihiko too is on pins and needles, reacting with abject (though silent) horror when Uenoyama asks Haruki what's wrong.

But Haruki tells Uenoyama and Mafuyu nothing, and when he walks off and Akihiko goes after him, the words that come out of his mouth are all about his insecurities about his place in the band. About how he is too ordinary and does not belong in such a band of geniuses.

This is not what Akihiko was expecting his outburst to be about; this is also familiar territory for him, that he knows how to handle. Akihiko knows music.

He assures Haruki of why his music was off today, as he would have any other day. He assures Haruki that he is utterly deserving of his place in their band, as he has so many times before.

[Tr: "I've pretty much always told you that you're necessary, haven't I!?"]

And all at once, memories come rushing back to Haruki of so many times that Akihiko has told him of his value.

Haruki's anger loses its momentum and he deflates. They had back to Haruki's apartment, with Akihiko promising to cook dinner, as he is the freeloader. (Another nod to his tendency to view these arrangements as transactional.)

Living together proves a disillusionment process for Haruki. Of course, the night that Akihiko first came to his apartment was the enormous catalyst, but the disillusionment process continues.

All of those ways in which he had formerly idealized Akihiko crumble one after another for Haruki as they live together. Akihiko cooks, but he only has one flavor profile, and often makes fried rice. Akihiko spends most of his days on music, be it violin or the drums, and it is louder than Haruki is used to with his bass—it is also evidence that Akihiko is the musician he is because he puts in the work, not just inherent talent.

...And that brings us to the end of volume 4, so I think I shall stop here!

If you read all this way, thank you, and I hope this added something positive to your day!

#akihiko x haruki #akihiko kaji #Given #haruki nakayama #haruki's hair #Given meta #meta #秋春 #ギヴン #中山春樹 #梶秋彦 #Given vol 4 #This is my otp #nobody proofread this meta #I really hope there are no typos #i am brain empty only akiharu

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cowboyjen68 · 3 years

Note

Hi jen! 20 something masc bisexual who just cant figure out if theyre a man or a woman here. I dont really feel comfortable talking about this stuff but writing anonymously is a lot less daunting and you seem like a really chill person and such a good mom. When i was youger, around 16, i cut my hair short and dressed less conventional (stopped wearing what my mom put out for me lol), bc i wanted to express myself. I didnt get the "mens" haircut i wanted originally, but i made up for it with flannels and hoodies. Slowly, occasionally, people started to ask me my sex/gender and when someone read me as male i was over the moon. By the time i was 18 i had stopped wearing makeup and tried hard to pass as male. It became pretty exhausting and my bestfriend is a very feminine guy, who usually gets read as a woman, inspired me to care less what people think i am. Im trying to take things as they come but with my mullet (thick long hair in the back) i noticed people read me as female more often than not. Its not insulting, but i cant help but feel disappointed. It felt so right when people read me as male. Im considering transitioning but i hate the idea of coming out to my family (as trans) and im scared of "being wrong about all this and screwing my body up", even thougt I like the prospect of the physical changes testosterone brings. All in all, I feel like ive been stuck in this undecided period for so long and something needs to change.

Im grateful for any words of advice :)

I am so sorry for the delay, my seasonal side jobs keep me very busy. I owe you some sincerity here because you asked and trust me to give you the truth, at least as I see it.

Of course I cannot in anyway see inside you or know the mix of emotions you have or the complex amount of experiences you have had in your 20 something life. When someone is struggling with hard questions being “PC” does no one any favors so here is my best take, but ultimately you know what is best and perhaps a therapist that will not just be a "yes" person would be very helpful.

Firstly, if you decide to transition for whatever reason, comfort, ease of experiencing the world etc, there is no rule that says you have to do anything at all to alter your body. You can be who you are within yourself. I am a lesbian and a woman whether or not some stranger on the street thinks so. (and the amount of time I am called "sir" in one day changes absolutely zero about me). Same applies to you. If you are concerned about medical or hormonal intervention you are not wrong to have caution. Anytime we take any medication from a blood pressure pill to nasal spray, doing due diligence and understanding the affects on our body is important. And each of us must take into consideration body health, genetics, dr suggestions, past medical history and the reality of what time, money and effort we are capable of exerting, especially if it means for a life time

That all being said short hair, clothes, your interests and personality are not (should not) be gendered. There is no reason a woman can’t be and exist as a female who is not always thrilled with her body (looks and function) and be a human who loves doing a myriad of things that may or may not fit what society prescribes as our gender roles.

You say you are disappointed when read as female? Why? Do you dislike that they are not seeing the real you OR because you know being read as such means, in our culture, you are seen as less capable, treated differently, perceived as weak, not as smart as men and treated as the lesser of our society simply based on your body? Either way, this is a them problem and not a you problem. You are as flawed, strong, smart, confident as you are no matter how they see you. It is not up to them to decide how human you get to be based on what sex you are. No one fits all the general attributes imposed gender roles wish for us to follow.

Ask yourself, if I transition and am still consistently read as female, how will that affect me? Will I become angry because I am putting time, effort and money into presentation and people still see what they see? Am I going to feel better able to shrug off mistakes make by quick glances or because people have known me for years because I am more true to me? Transition should happen in a vacuum, in my opinion. (disclaimer: I am not trans so perhaps this is not how trans men feel) You are who you are whether in a crowd of people or alone in a forest. Others should never make that decision or set the bar for you. EVER. They have no investment in your internal self.

Since you are asking me, this is my experience. In my early years i understood very quickly how I was treated differently when people (men and women) saw me as a little boy instead of a little girl. In my teens I saw the way girls who hit puberty before me were immediately treated sexually, will less respect and I was like” well shit”. I would have happily been seen as a boy/man and probably went to length to insure that. At 12 I was pretty confident I wanted to be or should have been a boy. My mom very colorfully explained to me there are issues with both sides and am a girl who wants what boys get in the world.. sooo get them as a girl. THEN I met other lesbians and butches and bi women who are masculine and they told me their stories.. which were just like mine. I realized to be a man I had to give up being a woman and being a woman, my reality, physically and in my upbringing (in the 1980′s and 1990″) was the best and only way to connect to other people because I was not different with them or alone. I needed to be me 24/7 not just in public, not just at parties, not just with friends, but when I was alone, at night or mowing the yard. Perception and societal opinion had nothing to do with my body, my mind, my personality.

Am I still affected by gender roles? Of course. Our society genders everything from pocket knives (camo or pink camo) to cars, abilities to shampoo! Do i sometimes let it slide when a man thinks he is talking to another man, sure.. why not? I learn somethings (some things I don’t want to know on occasion). But at the end of the day, most of the people I deal with begin to see me as a kind, capable women or...(translation: human) and when it counts I don’t want to be vague or dodgy about my sex, my gender or my sexual orientation. Who I am, who I deserved to be, my right to exist as me is too important. None of these were over night revelations. Time, experience, community as all helped me understand:

You have to live with you forever and always, don’t try to exist as the easiest way for society to view you.

#bi #masciline #butch #trans man #my opinion #personal story #lesbian

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aphrostarot · 3 years

Text

Healing Inner Child Pick a Pile

What wounds does your inner child have and how can you help heal them?

Please remember that this is a general reading and some things may not apply to you. Don't force it to fit. I offer paid readings on my page if you would like a personal reading. Prices are listed there. Please message me if you are interested!

Pile One (Fuchsite):

How do you see yourself?

Seven of Wands:

You view yourself as someone who has fought tooth and nail to get to where you are. You also believe you have a strong sense of justice and will never let others stand in their way. However, due to the difficulties you've encountered in your life, you have lost the ability to see others as allies, which has hindered your ability to make new friends, keep friends, and ask for help when you need it.

The Widow:

Throughout her life, the Widow has suffered a lot of death, literally and figuratively. She, however, has survived each of these losses with a great amount of strength. While you have had a lot of difficulties in your life, you have handled them with great dignity and grace. These are the things you believe make you strong and give you the ability to survive all that life throws your way.

How does your inner child see you?

Ten of Cups:

This is the card of fairy tales and having it come out here is showing me that your inner child thinks of you as their fairy tale ending. You are everything your inner child ever dreamed of becoming. They view you as obtaining their happily ever after, after having gone through a period of struggles in life. You are very successful and charming in their eyes.

The Coquette:

In their eyes, you are extremely charming, confident, and flirtatious. You have everyone’s eyes on you when you walk into a room. Everyone either wants to be you or do you. You are able to charm the socks off just about anyone you encounter, making them give you just about anything you want. You are very dreamy in your inner child’s eyes.

How does your inner child feel currently?

Two of Swords:

They feel out of balance and they do not know how to find balance again. They are scared because they view you as this amazing person, as the one who they always dreamed of becoming and you do not think of yourself like that, which scares them. Because how can they see you for what you truly are and you not see that? How can you be the same person yet be so so, different?

What did you lack as a child?

Ten of Pentacles:

This is the card of abundance, of happy families. It seems to me that your family lacked financial abundance in your childhood and this really affected your happiness as a whole family but also as an individual.

What is something that has left your inner child scarred?

Three of Pentacles:

At some point in your life, you were the victim of envy, and this scarred your inner child. The people around you were jealous of you, so instead of trying to help you, they tried to destroy you instead. As a result of them hurting you, your inner child struggles to trust others.

How does that thing affect your life now?

Ten of Wands:

This has affected your ability to work hard, and your progress in life. When these people were trying to ruin your life you were at a point where your progress and hard work were just starting to pay off. And now you have a fear of making progress in your life because you fear the people around you will not support your life last time.

The Empress:

The Empress is all about growth and having it come out here is telling me that your fear of success is hindering your growth within yourself. Your inner child’s trauma is what is causing you to fear your own success and your mistrust of others.

What is something you can do to heal your inner child?

Nine of Swords:

As a result of the trauma that your inner child has endured, they have become very anxious and depressed. Your lack of trust in others is your inner child coming forward.

Seven of Cups:

By rediscovering your dreams of success, you will be able to heal your inner child. As a result of your past, you have lost those dreams and this has caused a lot of pain to your inner child. You will be more willing to achieve success once you realize that people in your life don't determine how you spend your life, thus healing your inner child.

Princess:

You are your own knight in shining armor, according to this card. There is no need for anyone else to fight for you. To help your inner child heal, your guides are telling you that you must fight for yourself. You do not need the people in your life to approve of your life decisions.

How can you support your inner child?

The Devil:

As we have established, your inner child views you as the person they have always dreamed of becoming, and this card is showing that one way to support your inner child is by viewing yourself as they do. You can regain balance in your life by aligning your views of yourself with theirs.

Tower:

This card tells you to unplug and relax. You need some self-care at this moment. Your guides are saying that a way for you to support your inner child is by taking care of yourself. Love yourself, view yourself the way your inner child does.

What does your inner child have to say to you?

Six of Cups:

When you were a kid you were very passionate about life and your dreams of success. Those dreams were shattered by setbacks and jealous people who made you lose heart. You are being urged by your inner child to rediscover those dreams. Channel your inner child so you can feel that passion yet again.

Pile Two (Amethyst):

How do you see yourself?

The Empress:

Charm, charisma, and beauty are just a few of the things you think make you special. Your view is that you are a very creative and intelligent person who can succeed in anything they do. In your eyes, you exude a strong motherly nature that compels others to love being in your presence making you a great friend and lover.

The Gamine:

The Gamine rejects all things that society deems feminine, often rocking a pixie cut or a short chop with boxy clothes. They are free-spirited and a delight to be around. This is how you see yourself, as possessing a charming youthful spirit.

How does your inner child see you?

Six of Wands:

Your inner child sees you as someone who loves the spotlight but is very passionate, determined, and unafraid to take risks. In their eyes, you are positive, optimistic, and a natural-born leader. It feels to me that you are not at all someone they ever imagined becoming but they love who you have become.

The Siren:

The siren is a symbol of the challenge of resistance. Irresistible, she can entice just about anyone into her traps. She has every enchanted by her beauty and her voice. That is how your inner child perceives you, as someone who is irresistible and extremely strong.

How does your inner child feel currently?

Queen of Cups:

Your inner child feels very loyal to you. They love you very much and cannot believe how far you have come in your life. They are putting you on a pedestal due to the fact that you have surmounted everything they could have ever imagined becoming. They idolize you.

The High Priestess:

As this is the card of secrets, it seems like they are also reluctant to discuss how they are feeling at the moment. Maybe it is hard for them to trust others so they aren’t willing to share with me how they’re feeling currently. From the energy, I sense that they feel alone and that they cannot trust anyone else but themselves.

What did you lack as a child?

The Hierophant:

You had a very hectic childhood. Your family never had any traditions. Not only were there no traditions, but there was a lack of balance as well. Constantly walking on eggshells around the people in your life, you never knew what to expect. Not wanting to rock the boat for fear of uproar.

Three of Swords:

As a result of your hectic childhood, you received heartbreak after heartbreak. This makes sense with the energy I am receiving from your inner child. Your inner child is very untrustworthy because you lacked the stability in your childhood to feel like you could truly trust others.

What is something that has left your inner child scarred?

Ten of Wands:

As a kid, the people in your life relied on you a lot to provide for them and to keep them in check. You were blamed for many things, and you had to enforce balance in a place where it did not exist. You were the parent to your siblings and you were the parent to yourself. Which has left your inner child scarred and scared to trust others.

Justice:

As a child, you experienced a lack of justice. You were blamed for so many of the bad things that happened because you were expected to be the emotional punching bag for so long and when you didn't live up to your role you were punished.

How does that thing affect your life now?

Three of Pentacles:

This scarring affected your education. Your family may have pressured you to stay home and take care of them, so you did not pursue higher education. Alternatively, you may not believe you are intellectually capable of pursuing higher education. Whatever the case may be, your education has been greatly affected by the scarring your inner child experienced.

What is something you can do to heal your inner child?

Three of Wands:

The way for you to heal your inner child is by teaming up with someone. Asking for help. You have been conditioned all your life to be a strong individual, who never asks for help even when they need it. Now is the time to change that. Your guides want you to reach out to someone and ask for help when you need it. You do not need to tough it out alone.

Voyage:

Voyage tells you that you have all the answers within yourself, and you know it. You have been trying to avoid rocking the boat for some time now even though you knew that asking for help was the right option. You know, and maybe always have known, that you need help to get through this. Your inner child urges you to listen to yourself over trying to be what everyone else is telling you to be.

How can you support your inner child?

Two of Pentacles:

Your whole childhood lacked balance which left your inner child wounded. Here, your guides are telling you that the way for you to support your inner child is by finding balance in your life.

Escapist:

For a long time now, you have avoided what needs to be done in your life, avoiding this lack of balance. The way to support your inner child is to come home to yourself. Stop running away from yourself and what you need to do. Find that balance so you can begin to heal.

What does your inner child have to say to you?

Seven of Pentacles:

The Seven of Pentacles is all about plans paying off and having it come out here shows me that your inner child is telling you to maintain hope because soon your plans will pay off. If you do not have plans for the future, this is your inner child's way of telling you that you may need to plan more for your future because your hard work will pay off.

Additional Messages:

A channeled message I received from your inner child is, "You possess limitless abundance, you just need to believe it."

Pile Three (Amazonite):

How do you see yourself?

Nine of Wands:

You have faced an extreme amount of seemingly insurmountable challenges in your life and have come out on top almost every time. This has caused you to believe that you have unlimited potential to achieve all of your dreams. You see yourself as someone who will preserve until they reach their end goal.

The Demon Mother:

The Demon Mother is a vessel of mysterious power. She has a strong ability to manifest whatever it is she desires. She, however, commands attention, and others can’t help but be in awe of her. This is how you see yourself.

How does your inner child see you?

Ace of Wands:

Your inner child sees you as someone who is constantly pushing forward towards the things they want. They think that you are very successful when it comes to getting the things you want. Overall it seems to me that you and your inner child view you in the same way, as a very hardworking fiery individual. You could even be a fire sign, Aries, Leo, or Sagittarius.

The Psychic:

It is the psychic's strong intuition that allows them to see the future. They are able to predict what will happen in the future. Your inner child sees you as someone who has great abilities when it comes to your intuition. Whether you have practiced it or not doesn’t matter in their eyes, because to them you are very very magical.

How does your inner child feel currently?

Two of Pentacles:

They feel as though they are out of balance. This is interesting to me because they view you ultimately the same way as you view yourself. However, based on the energy I am getting from both you and them I think that you may be unaware of how strong your intuition really is. This is where they feel that imbalance, in you being unaware of how much power you hold. They know you can do so much with your powers if you were just aware of them.

What did you lack as a child?

Knight of Swords:

It seems to me that you had a masculine energy in your childhood who was very aggressive and caused you a great deal of drama and conflict growing up. This person loved to fight and that’s all they did when you were a kid, whether it was with you or other people. You were a witness to a lot of aggression.

Two of Swords:

Because of that person and their aggression, your childhood lacked a lot of balance. It was always a crossroads when it came to them, whether you should avoid them or face them. You were constantly juggling the drama and conflict that they put you through that your childhood lacked peace and balance.

What is something that has left your inner child scarred?

Judgment:

You lacked the ability to make decisions for yourself as a child and this really left your inner child scarred. This aggressive person had strong control over almost everything in your life at a young age and you were never really given the chance to be in charge of your own life.

Strength:

When you were a kid you feared standing up for yourself against this person who had so much control over you. This fear made you believe that you were not strong enough to stand up for yourself, which left your inner child scarred as well.

How does that thing affect your life now?

The Hermit:

You now live your life in a constant hermit mode. Avoiding others at all costs because you fear ending up in a relationship like the one you had with that person. You are lonely as a result. You may have a few friends but you keep them at arm’s length, not allowing them to truly get to know you. You believe that you are the only one who will ever truly know you and love you.

What is something you can do to heal your inner child?

Four of Pentacles:

The card of possessiveness indicates holding on to what you have with all your might. According to your guides, the only way you can heal your inner child is by keeping your things to yourself. Because you didn't have much control over your life and what you had when you were growing up, you aren't so possessive now. Since you never had anything to yourself as a kid, you allow others to take it from you at will. You may also just give your things to others because you aren't used to having them yourself. Your guides want you to stop that behavior and start holding onto the things you have.

Garden:

This card tells you that now is the time to focus on yourself, even if you feel that it is selfish. Put yourself first because you can now. Even though you were conditioned to believe that you are not in control of yourself, you are. Now is the time to truly listen to yourself and what you want, then go after it. If you do that, something good will arise, and that good thing will be the healing of your inner child.

How can you support your inner child?

Queen of Pentacles:

Treat yourself. Give yourself everything you have ever wanted, within reason. According to your guides, this is the way you can help your inner child. Bring luxury into your life, spend money on yourself, give yourself a spa day or two. Give yourself what you lacked as a child. Control over your needs and desires being fulfilled.

Lighthouse:

This is the card of not doubting your worth. Your childhood made you think that you were not capable of really anything, and that has really affected your inner child a great deal. The way for you to support your inner child is by believing in yourself, knowing that you truly are worthy of just about anything that you put your mind to.

What does your inner child have to say to you?

The Lovers:

Out of all of the piles here, the love that comes from your inner child is indescribable. Your inner child loves you so very much. It is hard for me to even find the words to describe the amount of love that is coming from them. They are extremely proud of you and everything that you have become. That is really all they want you to know, just how much they love you.

Additional Message:

Before closing out this pile this is what I heard from your inner child, “Thank you for everything. I love you, it’s always been you that was there no matter what.”

Pile Four (Rose Quartz):

How do you see yourself?

Page of Wands:

As a thrill-seeker, you consider yourself someone who enjoys adventures. In your eyes, you are passionate and free-thinking. You enjoy traveling, especially to exotic locations, and you enjoy socializing with other people. Aside from that, you have a very young heart, which makes you extremely optimistic and joyful. According to you, you are a very forgiving person who is willing to overlook red flags, which makes you an excellent friend.

The She-Wolf:

You see yourself as a person who is not only fierce but also has a great inner strength. In your eyes, you are a survivor, having been through so much and surviving it all. Additionally, you are very protective of the people in your life, willing to do whatever it takes to protect them.

How does your inner child see you?

The Magician:

Your inner child sees you as a very quick person. In their eyes, you have great mental agility. You are considered very magical, you have a strong intuition and are an amazing manifestor. You are seen by your inner child as someone who is very eloquent and highly intelligent.

The Magical Girl:

This is interesting to me because the Magician in Tarot is a very magical card, representing having an innate ability to manifest whatever it is you want. The Magician is very magical and in this Oracle deck, the Magical Girl is essentially the Magician. Your inner child defines you as someone with great abilities and someone who has grown so much over the course of their life.

How does your inner child feel currently?

Knight of Swords:

Right now, your inner child is very aggressive. Almost angry, they are restless and destructive. They are irritated and ready to fight. You have been ignoring your inner child for quite some time now, which has really pissed them off. There is strong firey energy here. In astrology, it seems to be more water or air energy rather than fire signs. You might be a Gemini, Libra, Aquarius, Scorpio, Cancer, or Pisces. It feels like strong Scorpio energy.

What did you lack as a child?

Ten of Wands:

There were a lot of burdens placed on you as a child. It feels to me that you lacked a childhood as a kid. You were expected to be strong and mature and not act your age. You were the one who mainly held your family up which is a lot of pressure to put on a child resulting in a lack of innocence and play.

What is something that has left your inner child scarred?

King of Wands:

The King of Wands is a masculine energy consumed with their desires. Pure passion drives them to focus on their career and hobbies. Growing up, you had someone like this in your life. Instead of focusing on you, they focused on their career, making it so you were the one in charge because they were never around.

How does that thing affect your life now?

Death:

Death is the card of transformation, of shedding the old and embracing the new, becoming a new person. You have not been able to let go of your past, holding on to the old which is holding you back from your transformation. You can’t truly grow if you are not willing to let go of some things along the way. Your guides are saying that yes, you had a rough childhood but you have grown up. Now is the time to treat yourself the way you deserved as a kid, instead of maintaining that negative treatment.

What is something that you can do to heal your inner child?

Five of Swords:

You've been struggling for some time now, trying to regain control of your life. Yet, as we have established, the way in which you were battling for control is detrimental to you. According to you, now is the time to act your age and be mature because that is what is best for you. But you are treating yourself the same way that person treated you when you were a kid. By letting go of the idea that you are doing what is right for you, you will be able to heal your inner child. Instead of ignoring your inner child, embrace them.

Thorns:

A good support system is just as important as self-care. The idea that you only need yourself may have led you to go at life alone. Your guides are saying that you can heal your inner child by giving yourself a childhood. Hang out with your friends. Act like a child and have fun since that is what is needed here.

How can you support your inner child?

Ace of Pentacles:

The Ace of Pentacles is all about building a foundation. So, the way for you to support your inner child is by building a solid foundation for you to freely be able to act like a child in your life. You may not feel comfortable doing this in your life right now, but the key to this is building a solid foundation for you to do this. Surround yourself with people that allow you to do this, make your home a safe place, fill it with things that make you comfortable. The key to success here is your own comfort levels.

Confidence:

You also may be lacking the confidence to truly give yourself a break from the hustle and bustle of life and show your inner child. Your guides are saying that you need to build your confidence so you can support your inner child. The key to feeling confident is feeling comfortable. Make sure you are comfortable with the people you surround yourself with and with the things you surround yourself with.

What does your inner child have to say to you?

The Devil:

The Devil is all things passionate and all things taboo. Your inner child tells me that you avoid all these things because they scare you because your childhood lacked fun. You need to embrace some of the things that scare you. Take baby steps towards having fun. Do things you were never allowed to do as a child.

Additional Messages:

While channeling for this pile, I heard "Have fun...let loose...try new things...be brave, little one." I heard the phrase, "Chicken little," but I have no idea what it means. I'm hoping someone can understand what it means.

Though tips are not required, they are very much appreciated. Thank you!

Venmo: @ aphrostarot Paypal: paypal/aphrostarot

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thegoldenlily · 2 years

Note

I feel like Rose judges Adrian for the wrong things, because she projects her addiction issues onto him and has very low standards for how royal Moroi will treat her romantically: she unfairly resents him for being an addict but doesn’t hold him accountable for his selfishness as a partner. When Rose should be kinder about Adrian’s relapses but call him out for taking advantage of her, she does the opposite. She looks down on him for his vices and blames herself for his emotional manipulation.

The whole R*drian situation is quite messy, but when it's given time and contextual reminders, it makes a little more sense and does feel like a potentially realistic relationship between two young people in this society.

From Rose's perspective, Royal Moroi men are not often great. We know that they like Dhampir women, they sexualize them and start physical relationships with them. Any children they may have are ignored and brushed aside. We see through Nathan that they don't always treat Royal Moroi women with respect either, but this is in a very different sense. Dhampir women essentially are at the bottom of the social hierarchy. They have to prove themselves in a different way than Dhampir men too: at any given moment, a Dhampir woman can be brushed off as a bl**dwh*re, her reputation ruined. A Strigoi is the worst thing anyone can become in this world, but judging by the shock and disgust Rose herself has for non-Guardian Dhampir women, a bl**dwh*re isn't that far off.

Adrian doesn't overly help that image. Adrian constantly ignores Rose when she says no, ignores her boundaries (actively pursuing her when she rejects him, smoking near her despite her dislike for it while not doing that around Lissa, a Royal Moroi woman), sexualizing her. He really does treat her the way Royal men have treated Dhampir women historically.

With Rose projecting her addiction resentment onto Adrian...I mean, we can't vilify her for that. Addiction has a huge stigma in this world, we do see that with how people treat Adrian, however different groups of people are treated differently for their addiction. Not unlike our own world. The rich and powerful's addiction is written off. It is acceptable. They will receive help, expensive treatments, and the world will move on. They will continue to be rich and powerful. Adrian struggles with substance abuse for many reasons (I am currently working on an essay about Adrian and why I believe he behaves the way he does) but his addiction is ultimately written off by society "Oh, that's just Adrian." Rose is the only one we truly see disgusted by his substance use.

Now, as a Dhampir woman, the worst thing you can be is a bl**dwh*re. Rose struggles with addiction after a long period of time feeding Lissa. We see her occasionally yearn to be bitten to get close to that high again. We also see her inner disgust at those desires, and her subsequent harsh treatment for anyone she perceived as a bl**dwh*re. If Rose's addiction was announced to the world, her life would be over. She would never become Lissa's Guardian. She would likely not get any Guardian job. She would lose all respect. I believe that she judges Adrian so harshly because ultimately while they both struggle with addiction, he is allowed to do it in a public space. People may sneer at him, or make comments, but he is still a Royal. He still is powerful. Rose would be destroyed. It can't be easy to deal with that.

Rose should be kinder to Adrian regarding his substance use because she does, in a sense, understand what he's going through. But she is a person, and feeling resentful towards someone who can continuously mess up or step out of line in ways you know you never could, will take its toll.

Rose can't change the way Royal Moroi men have always been. She expects them to treat Dhampir women poorly because they historically have, and they continue to do so. It is something she has had to learn to digest. Substance abuse isn't as common as that, though, in what we know of the VA world. Her anger at Adrian is direct, and truly mirrors the anger she feels at herself for what she perceives as being weak.

Rose isn't allowed to go back to her substance of choice. It would ruin her. She cannot afford that luxury, and she doesn't want to be shamed for it. Watching Adrian...indulge (in Rose's eyes at least) in these things triggers her, and her resentment. She doesn't have the patience to help him through these struggles, but it is hard to be there for someone going through addiction. Especially when you yourself struggle with it. Additionally, Adrian does put his mental health on Rose often, calling her his strength. Rose is struggling with her own battles. This would also build resentment.

Rose does internalize the way Adrian treats her. I think it is fair to remember that when Rose and Adrian do pursue a romantic relationship, Rose is an 18 year old (that is still. So! Damn! Young!) who has been thoroughly traumatized and abused by a man she loved (Strigoi!Dimitri) . She is not in a healthy frame of mind to be in a relationship. She feels guilt and shame and isn't processing things as well as she could have with appropriate help (get my girl some therapy). Even once Dimitri is restored, she is still traumatized. Maybe even more so after Dimitri refuses to see her and then tells her "love fades, mine has."

I think part of the reason why Rose blames herself is because she feels so guilty. She never had romantic interest in Adrian. She feels guilty for not returning his feelings, for taking his money, and she feels like she owes him. She doesn't, but she's young and traumatized. Part of being emotionally manipulated is feeling guilty and faulting yourself for how others treat you. It takes time and healing to look back and realize you were a victim.

Ultimately, Rose and Adrian were not good for each other. Rose treats Adrian unfairly at times, and shames him for his substance abuse. Adrian disrespects Rose's boundaries and emotionally manipulates her. Both have done wrong things. Both are suffering on an individual level.

Ultimately, Rose is a traumatized 18 year old trying to make it through, and even if she doesn't always make the best choices, she's just trying to get by.

#thanks for popping in to chat anon #va #vampire academy #rose hathaway #adrian ivashkov #sorry this turned into a whole ass essay yikes lmao

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kanmom51 · 3 years

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Very few people are lucky enough to live in circumstances where they can "speak the truth from their mouths", as that anon put it, at least not without serious repurcussions. Imagine if we only believed people were LGBTQ if they openly declared it. I guess there would hardly be any people in history who were LGBTQ then. Aren't the flaws in this thinking obvious? I've never told my boss or my evangelical neighbor I am lgbt. Does that mean I am not out-out? I am not hiding my gf. My mouth is just not saying it. People can be out to different people at different times. It's all about safety and comfort.

Covert systems of gay coded signalling were developed throughout periods of history so that LGBT people could express themselves. Sometimes it meant being able to identify with other lgbt people or straight allies. Coming out can be a luxury. It is also a way we lgbt people are othered by society. Having to come out implies being assumed as heterosexual until you indicate you aren't. That places being lgbt as something outside of what is normal. I really hope that people can broaden their minds about the gay experience and what it means to be 'out'. The act of coming out, while it can be healing and liberating, wouldn't exist if lgbt people were on equal footing. The mandate to "say it from your mouth" who you are dealing with romantically or sexually is based in archaic power structures. This is my issue with the "don't assume sexuality" stans. Sometimes, as I believe is the case with Jimin and Jungkook, you are being invited to assume.

There is such a thing as gay cultural heritage. Our stories, messaging and histories have often had to be packaged in ways that fly under the radar of those who reject or hurt us. Tolerance and freedom does not develop in all societies at the same rate or in a linear way.

I understand that people want to protect vulnerable groups and that being LGBTQ in many places makes you very vulnerable. But there is also a point where we listen and look at what someone is choosing to share and might learn something beautiful about them.

Beautifully said anon.

The "we can't assume their sexuality" or "I don't want to assume their sexuality", so I will close my eyes and not see what's right in front of me. I constantly have this argument with my bi daughter, she actually drives me crazy with this, and I don't know how to get through to her on this. It is so frustrating. She's bi, she thinks she's woke and at the same time she is blinded by her own 'wokeness'. She's like: "if they don't come out and say it I am not going to assume their sexuality".

I try to explain to her how lucky she is living in a family and society that accepts her for who she is, but they aren't as lucky, that they can't come out and say it, as much as they would want to. That just as important as it was to her to be able to be herself, show her true self to the world, not hide, they want that too but just can't. That they are constantly signalling it, wanting to show it, want us to see them, their true selves, and yes, that they want and need to know that they are loved and supported for their true selves. I think the I'm getting through to the wall but not to her.

So, what I have learnt from that is that this unwillingness to see JM&JK can come not only from homophobia or heteronormativity but over wokeness too. This idea that "I will not assume anyone's sexuality, not heterosexuals nor gay". I think this is happening in the over woke societies, those that no longer have the need to hide their sexuality. They lack the understanding and sometimes sadly lack the empathy, for the struggles those of the LGBTQ+ community go through living in the more conservative societies.

Maybe being a little older, growing up in a society that didn't accept LGBTQ+, going through the change in how they were perceived, seeing their struggles, seeing how it once was and how it is now (in a now more open and accepting society), maybe that gave me more of a perspective, an ability to understand and sympathise with those that are still struggling, idk.

Sorry for this long ass rant. Just felt the need to share.

#ask #anon

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gaycatwizard · 3 years

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I feel like "bad/flawed characters that are still likeable" are just some of the Best characters and tend to have a bit more emotional staying power, that they're more relatable and more interesting, more memorable. We need more of them, but they're really... hard to do? Not necessarily hard to make, but hard to do well. Because the amount of flaws and Badness (in a moral/philosophical sense, not quality of a character's design and personality) can vary so drastically, along with the amount of redeeming traits and their potency. It can be hard to want to "copy" or mimic the exact ratio from the character that inspired you. Tangent: it's fine to be inspired by one or more works. It's fine to allow it to influence your works. It's hard distinguishing from "I want to do x, but that's basically just rewriting one of my inspirations but with a palette swap" and "this inspires me so I want to use certain elements/themes/ideas/technical aspects of it." That's not the issue here, y'know. But like... I think the sheer variety you can have in Loveable Asshole characters like that, in the ratio of how bad and how good they are, is part of what makes them so interesting, so realistic, so powerful. Like... there are characters who are overall pretty good people, but are rough around the edges in a way that clearly makes them sympathetic and likeable. There are characters who are basically layer upon layer upon layer of mistakes, hatred, and bile with the tiniest nugget of good at the center, that you rarely get a glimpse of, but feel something raw and enthralling because of that. Like... I think Bojack Horseman is a good example, especially because it has a lot of different Likeable Bad People varieties and it does them all really well. Also Bojack Horseman is a good show and, not unlike JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, I want to talk about it at every given opportunity. Bojack himself is a cynical, selfish, destructive, defensive, spiteful, jealous, vain, self-loathing, stubborn piece of shit. He's a bad person and that's... kind of the point of the show. But his entire character, his entire arc that spans the whole of the series, revolves around the diamond buried deep in that rough. He wants to change, but he's so set in his negative ways (and so used to being surrounded by such negativity and toxicity) that he doesn't really know how. Every time he wants to change, he doesn't know how and fails to keep up with his new habits. Every time he's doing well and making progress, some external factor comes in and pushes him violently back down the mountain, back to square one. But he makes an effort, it's very obvious that he doesn't like being this way, that he regrets the things he does, that he feels remorse for the pain he's caused, and he does finally change and improve, things do finally get better for him. His foil (who has such an AMAZING dynamic and relative arc with him I could write a whole essay just on that), Mr. Peanutbutter, is sort of the exact opposite. They have similar careers and positions in the world, but everything goes right for Mr. Peanutbutter. Everyone likes him, everything is handed to him on a silver platter, he's perfect, he's happy, he's attractive, he's popular, he's everything Bojack isn't, and yet somehow he's drawn to Bojack and always wants to try and be his friend. But as Bojack slowly improves over the show and the softer, nicer, Better side of him becomes more and more prominent and common, the negative side of Mr. Peanutbutter slowly gets revealed over the show. He's also selfish and stubborn and stupid and persistent and dangerously disconnected from reality and his interpersonal skills are absolute shit. He puts on that act to make people like him. As the show goes on, it's slowly revealed that he doesn't really pay attention to the wants or needs of others, like, at all. That he only ever really cares about himself and just wants to do and be everything and anything as long as people like him and it makes him happy, regardless of who it hurts. It's amazing. It's in F is

for Family, too. Netflix Adult Animated Sitcoms are very often hit or miss, but these two are absolute homeruns. Frank, the protagonist, of F is for Family is selfish, violent, short-tempered, arrogant, judgmental, ignorant... but he's remorseful and introspective and intelligent and, in a very convoluted and misguided way most of the time, incredibly caring and devoted. He is a piece of shit and he's terrible, and a lot of why he's still likeable, why he's allowed to be so politically incorrect and abusive is due to the setting. Parenting norms were different back then and, now with hindsight, we know that those norms weren't good and you should NEVER hit or yell at or emotionally degrade your kids. The show is a perfect mix of "everyone is a product of their time and environment" and "no matter the time and place, people are people and we have the same thoughts and feelings and struggles," all without glorifying or excusing the terrible actions of the characters with the excuse of the time period or due to being "protagonists" or having redeeming traits. They're human, flawed, some incredibly so, and that's what makes it so good. It's part of why I like F is for Family more than most Adult Animated Family Sitcoms. You've got the typical stupid, selfish, arrogant, etc. Bad Dad and his Housewife, but there's still chemistry. They're still unique, three dimensional characters that clearly love each other and have a reason to still be together despite arguing and hardship. Same with how Frank and Sue treat their kids. They're not great parents, but they're trying to do their best (which isn't always good) and they do clearly love their kids and want the best for them. Their kids are resentful at times and hate their parents for some of the things they do, but they do stick together at the end of the day because there's that underlying realization that none of the mistreatment is done with malicious intent. That doesn't excuse it, but they're all just fucked up and trying to do their best. And they do have sad, relatable characters that are clearly bad people and aren't likeable, despite having sympathetic traits. Like Ginny. Her husband, that she loves dearly, is gay and simply doesn't love her the way she loves him, their marriage is hollow and empty. But she constantly forces her suffering on others, regardless of whether they want to hear it or are emotionally equipped to do so. Attempting to leave the conversation or explain that other people have problems too means, to Ginny, that you're a terrible human being who can't be there for someone in pain or that you're selfish and disgusting and never stop thinking of yourself. She has every right to be upset, but she takes it out on others and manipulates them, and that's not okay, and the show depicts it that way. There are so many options for character arcs with these characters, too. They don't even have to be related to their flaws, they can be entirely external or related to something like relationships or interests. You can show someone working on their flaws, acknowledging that they're not perfect and they might be bad, but that they want to do better and actively try to do so; they don't avoid responsibility or blame others, they own up to it and do their best to improve. Hell, even just coming to the realization that you are responsible for your actions, not anyone else, and that you have to put in effort to change could be that arc. You can have someone get worse, whether an intentional path of bad decisions without regard for others or a failure to understand which decisions are right. Some people have redeeming traits, but still aren't redeemable. Some people don't get better. Some people still get better, but get worse first. There are so many real, relatable options that show the darker, uglier side of life that we so desperately want to experience and perceive (likely due to the cathartic and taboo aspects), and bringing up flaws and shortcomings and anything else in this context can start interesting conversations and challenge

us to think about things we may not have before, or from a new perspective.

#long post #what the fuck do I call this #character analysis #meta #fuck idk #television #media #character development #character design #writing #bojack horseman #f is for family

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therealvinelle · 3 years

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I agree that Aro definitely is not straight, but if he is gay and not bi, why window shop for a wife? If he wanted a partner for some reason, why not find a male one? It was a different era, yes, but are vampires really homophobic?

So, for this meta, we’ll have to get historical. Before we do, keep in mind that while I know Ancient Greece better than most, having studied it (introductory level classes only, mind), I don’t know it well enough to be any kind of authority on the matter. History, more than any other discipline I can think of, is not respected as an academic field, and people with poor to no understanding of historical hermeneutics will make very bold assumptions that they then have too poor understanding of history to realize are bullshit. This is a disclaimer because I don’t want to join in on the chorus of authoritative-sounding people on the internet with no verifiable credentials who spout things about history that are then taken to be gospel truth by readers because the author made it sound good.

More, I say this because your question is asking me to explain the morality and social norms surrounding a character from 14th century BC Greece. And this man would not, for the record have been Ancient Greek, he would have been Mycenaean Greek. Very quick history lesson: Mycenaean Greece was a flourishing society that suffered a downfall, Greek civilization fell into its very own dark ages, until around 800 BC when Greeks began forming what would become the Ancient Greece we know and love. This in turn means that I can’t very well read up on the marital and sexual norms of Ancient Greece when I’m researching for Aro, because he was five hundred years old already when Ancient Greece became a thing.

And your question concerns cultural history. And for that we’re going to have to look at how we know the things we know about history. How history is studied.

Historians have two kinds of sources: archeological findings and written records. (I’m aware that oral tradition, like the one carried by the Aborigine people, isn’t technically one of these, but to my understanding it’ll be treated to similar analysis as written records, which leaves us with the two types of sources standing strong.) These sources are analyzed, and we apply various theories and models onto them to make sense of the context they were written in. The more sources we have, the more we can refine or eliminate these theories or models.

More, history is an ever evolving field. There are movements and schools of thought that influence how history is written (marxism in history, that is, history as a class struggle, was heavy in the 60′s and I think until the 80′s), which means that how a certain culture will be perceived today is not the way it was perceived a few decades ago, nor will it be perceived the same way a few decades in the future.

You see why I am daunted by you asking me to give you an answer about sexual and marital norms for a guy who lived 3000 years ago, and I hope you’ll understand why I feel this word vomit is necessary.

Now, the danger with Mycenaean Greece is that it’s a society it’s easy to feel we know a lot about, because it was the precursor to Ancient Greece, and we know a lot about the latter. But, first of, the reason why we know as much as we do about the Ancient Greeks is the Romans. The Greeks wrote about their history, their philosophy, their government, and they wrote plays and told stories. However, that was two thousand years ago and their writings would have been lost to the sands of time if the Romans hadn’t idolized and sought to emulate their society. This meant preserving their written records. This tradition was carried on by the Christians, in part because Hellenistic philosophy was incorporated into Christian philosophy. We have neo-platonism to thank for Christian asceticism, the “mind over matter” cornerstone.

What I’m getting at with all of this is that we know the insane amount about Ancient Greece that we do because of some very unique circumstances, and so we can make very sophisticated theories about what the Hellenistic world was like. It’s still detective work, but not Pepe Silvia type of detective work. This is not the case for Mycenaean Greece. We know a comparative lot about Mycenaean Greece, considering how long ago it was, but there is very much we don’t know.

With Mycenaean Greece, we are dealing with a lot more uncertainty. We haven’t deciphered one of their two writing styles, and a lot of the text we do have is very fragmentary. Coming up with detailed societal models for Mycenaean Greece, and for the 14th century BC specifically, is... well I don’t know enough about what this society left behind to know what historians have to work with, but I imagine they have their work cut out.

More, I haven’t studied this at all, which means that any attempt on my end to research this would be stumbling around in the dark.

One example: the Illiad and the Odyssey, while composed around the 8th century BC, were set in the early 12th century BC, which is nearly Aro’s time period. The Illiad depicts a homoerotic relationship between Patroclus and Achilles, and both works depict a lot of matrimonies, so I wish I could use it as a source. However, not only would this time gap alone make these sources questionable, but there’s also the matter of the Illiad and the Odyssey being transmitted orally, from bard to bard. Changes were made over the years. For example, the technology described in the Illiad is from several eras, as the warriors will be using bronze weaponry in one book and then switch to iron in the next. This game of telephone is what happens when a story is transmitted orally from person to person. So, while it’s tempting to use these works as a sort of reference point, the possibility, likelihood even, that the bards made adjustments to keep the old story entertaining for their contemporary audience is strong.

For this reason, I can’t give you any kind of historically correct analysis on what the marital or sexual mores would have been like in Aro’s time. Even if the knowledge is out there, I don’t have it.

But I can say this, spouses have for the longest time been partners. Men and women got married, even in the gay, gay, Ancient Greece, not just to have children but because they complemented each other, they were partners. Men needs wives, and women needs husbands. And a partner was canonically exactly what Aro was looking for, feelings had nothing to do with it:

After Caius and Marcus had found their romantic attachments, Aro decided to find his own, although rather than finding his other half in another vampire Aro decided to create his own instead. Aro had a certain type of woman in mind and he found what he was looking for in Sulpicia. He successfully courted her and she came to fall in love with him.

As for vampires being homophobic, I think that is for another post about what culture they bring with them into their new life. But to be brief I’ll say that while the individual vampire can be homophobic, there can be no homophobia at an institutional level because vampires have no institutions. And it’s the institutional homophobia that gets ya. It’s what the whole fight for gay rights has been about: secure legislation against discrimination and that protects gay people. (The right to marry and protection from employees firing LGBT employees comes to mind as examples of this.)

So, no one could force Aro to marry a woman.

And I’d go into a rant here about how the prospect of gay marriage, of even identifying as homosexual (the labels homosexual, bisexual, and heterosexual are very new and, to my recollection, were born off of the Western psychiatric discipline as men who slept with other men were diagnosed with homosexuality. I imagine a man from the Antiquity would be confused at the notion that just because he likes to sleep with dudes he shouldn’t get married to a woman), was unthinkable up until very recently, but I just made this obscenely long rant about how I can’t really make these kinds of guesses, so I’m not gonna.

I think being married to a woman and then banging hot dudes who came along suited Aro just fine.

Also, I can’t believe I’m doing this, but - I’m going to encourage history asks. Because this fandom has a bit of a history problem, as a lot of the characters are from different time periods and many feel unsatisfied with the way Meyer handled that. I am by no means a historian, but I know several of the historical periods the characters of Twilight are from well enough to make educated guesses.

So, hit me with your worst.

#WHEW #aro #sulpicia #aro/sulpicia #history #twilight renaissance #twilight meta #twilight #this is very long and I'm tired so I didn't proofread #GERONIMO as they say #hope there are no embarrassing mistakes #also yes I know I just made a pretentious ass of myself #but i'm writing twilight meta on tumblr so i left my dignity behind long ago #doktrajediscovery #ask

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kn1feinthec0ffee · 4 years

Text

love me love me (say that you love me) - spencer reid

spencer reid x fem!reader

title from lovefool by the cardigans

summary: after a close brush with death in the field, y/n visits an injured spencer in the hospital to have a heart to heart.

warnings: a lil bit of angst, fluff bc im incapable of writing pure angst, descriptions of injury

word count: 1,987

notes: this is my submission for @veraiconcos‘ fic writer challenge, i spent a super long time on this and i really hope you guys enjoy it as its one of my favorite things i’ve ever written ☺️

********************

settling in to what would be another evening of unfortunate, unwanted solitude due to your boyfriend having yet another late night at work, you stretched out across the sofa, wine glass in hand, ready to relax after a hard day’s work.

that was until your phone began to ring and vibrate obnoxiously across the wooden coffee table.

“jj? hi, what’s up?” you inquired, curious as to why she was calling you during a case.

“we got the guy, but spence wasn’t so lucky.” she began hesitantly. “he almost got shot, but he was stabbed a few times.”

she heard your stifled gasp through the speaker, cutting you off before you would inevitably begin rambling off questions, a habit of spencer’s you’d acquired after a long while of knowing him. “don’t worry, he keeps telling everyone he’s fine. doctor says the wounds might scar, but overall he should be alright.”

you scrunched your eyes closed, willing your racing heart to slow with the news that spencer would be okay. despite jj’s calming tone and the relatively good news from the call, you couldn’t help the nagging feeling that your boyfriend was not, in fact, okay.

“thanks, babe. would you mind telling me where you guys are? am i allowed to come visit?” your voice took on a hopeful tone that your hands betrayed, anxiously twirling a loose strand of hair that had fallen out of your bun.

“visiting hours ended a little while ago, but i’m sure i can pull a few strings for you.” your chest deflated with a relieved sigh at the thought of having visual confirmation spencer would be fine. “i just texted you the address, see you soon, y/n.”

“you too. bye,” the phone dropped onto the table with a hollow clatter. you downed what little was left in your wine glass before standing up from the sofa to get ready. you still couldn’t shake the feeling that something was up with spencer so you put in an extra bit of effort to wear some of his favorite pieces of clothing of yours, just to bring a smile to his face.

———————————————

after receiving special clearance from jj at the front desk, you headed down the hallway. you never liked hospitals; you found something about about the stark white, sterile halls cold and off putting.

the door slowly opened, a gentle creak emanating from its well-used hinges. you had hoped your entrance would be quiet enough to let the boy wonder rest, but alas, he had woken up.

though the way his irises glistened in the artificial light when he saw you was just as gratifying.

“y/n, what are you doing here?” the interrogative sounded less like a question and more like an exclamation of awe, but you weren’t complaining.

“what, you didn’t think i’d show up when a little birdie told me my boyfriend was stabbed on duty? some girlfriend i’d be,” you scoffed sarcastically.

the plastic legs of the chair skidded across the linoleum as you dragged it next to the bed. spencer held out a hand towards you to hold, a sure fire sign something was wrong.

he loved affection, especially from you, but he only seemed to initiate it on blue moons.

you gratefully slipped your fingers in between his and gave them a quick, reassuring squeeze. “what happened, hon?”

his amber hues flicked to several spots around the relatively uninteresting room before landing on your intertwined digits. “we raided his apartment just like we usually do and i happened to be the first one to come across him. i saw he had a gun and i’m lucky i ducked pretty quickly or else i might not even be here at all.

“morgan and i moved in on him to make the arrest, but it slipped our minds that the profile said he was hyper-vigilant and paranoid, and i failed to notice knife he had in his other hand and he stabbed me a few times before emily pulled him away from me.” spencer recalled with an expertise that came as a surprise to absolutely no one who knew him.

“you say that like you’re reciting a poem,” you frowned, rubbing a thumb across his knuckles. “you could’ve died, spence.”

“i guess it’s just not that big of a deal to me?” he seemed to question his own statement as it passed through his lips. “i think i’ve grown so accustomed to putting my life on the line that i just doesn’t even faze me anymore.”

“i get it, but don’t you ever - i don’t know - get worried you won’t come back to me one of these days?” you averted your eyes to the floor.

his grip on your hand tightened exponentially, causing your gaze to snap up to his. “of course i do, i worry about you all the time. isn’t it normal to worry about the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?”

his admission of love brought heat to your cheeks and tears to your eyes. “good, good, i’m glad we both agree on that then.” you smiled sadly.

the presence of an oddly heavy silence weighed down on both of you as you sat in thought. “do you ever get tired, y/n?” the genius queried quietly, elaborating when he noticed the confusion etched across your features. “i mean - well - tired of me? of my life being on the line every time i go to work? of thinking that maybe that time you said goodbye to me when i left would be the last time? doesn’t that exhaust you?”

this was exactly what you had been anticipating since jj called. the drawn-out periods of unusual silence, less eye contact than normal, the anxious fidgeting. not that you’d tell him, but you’d subtly began subconsciously profiling as well.

“if you’re asking if i get tired of those things, then yes, i do,” you murmured softly. “but if you’re asking if being with you while i have to deal with all those things is exhausting, then my answer is no. absolutely not.”

another pause. spencer played with your fingers, fiddling around with the ring he’d bought for you as fond memories swirled through his mind. “wouldn’t it be easier if you were with someone else? i don’t know, maybe someone with an average career where they don’t look at dead bodies and arrest serial killers all the time? maybe a barista or something less traumatizing than what i do?”

your lips curled up into a smile as you giggled. “yeah, i mean, of course that’d be easier, but when has life ever been easy? and besides, why would i want a barista when i could have a badass, genius iq level guy like you?”

he grinned, holding eye contact for the longest period of time since you passed through the door. “i think those attributes directly contradict each other, but whatever makes you happy, love.”

the tension had lifted, conversation flowing with ease, yet you could still tell there was something off about reid. something left unspoken.

“hey,” you murmured, brushing a stray strand of hair out of his face. “you sure you’re alright?”

a moment of hesitation flickered through his eyes before he answered. “of course i am. didn’t i say i was?”

“you did, but you don’t have the best track record when it comes to being honest about your emotions.” you watched several emotions pass through his eyes - one of his tells; those hazel hues could be read like a book.

he seemed to take a deep, collective inhale before he spoke in a small voice. “i know you said you weren’t tired of me, but i’m just scared you’re lying. n-not that i think you would ever be untruthful,” he immediately corrected himself upon understanding how his words could be perceived.

“i-” tears brimmed his coffee colored optics, terrifying you for what he might say next. “you’re the most important thing in my life- in the world even- and i’m just worried you’ll leave me. i’ll come home one night when you’ve decided you’ve had enough of this life and you have all your bags packed, ready to leave. i don’t want to lose you. i can’t lose you.”

noticing a few drops had landing on your lap, you realized you’d been crying as he admitted his insecurities to you. “i love you so much, spencer. more than anything in the world. and i know how hard it is to quiet those voices, and i know whatever i say will only be enough to quell them for a while, but you’re everything to me. just know i would never, ever even dream of leaving you.”

you sniffled, wiping the tear tracks from your face when you looked over to spencer. he held eye contact with you, something you knew was challenging for him to do.

“y/n,” he moved a hand to cup your cheek. “if i asked you to stay, would you?”

you let his words sink in and nodded nearly imperceptibly. you laid a kiss on his palm before turning to him again. “absolutely. i am wholly and completely devoted to you, spencer reid.”

his cheeks burned and his brows furrowed, almost as if he was having trouble accepting your straightforward answer. “do you promise?”

you debated a sarcastic response, but you were unsure what his reaction might be in such a vulnerable state, and you didn’t want to find out.

“i do, my love.” you murmured, crossing your pinky with his. he settled, visibly, too, at your admission of adoration. you knew he struggled with fully trusting those around him and you were immeasurably proud of him in this moment.

“are you heading home?” his soft lilt broke the silence that had blanketed the room with its persistent presence. “i wouldn’t blame you if you were.”

“are you kidding? after all that rom-com sappiness you think i want to leave?” you both laughed, basking in the positivity of the moment. “i’m afraid you’re stuck with me. look, i even brought a change of clothes and everything.”

while you loved the adorable look of surprise on his face, you almost wished you could wipe away any doubts he may harbor in his mind about you and your unwavering loyalty. you looked up at him again as he spoke. “are you going to sleep in that chair?”

“i’d lay with you, but you’ve got wounds everywhere and no way in hell am i risking re-opening anything that’s been sealed.” you held your hands up in mock defense, earning a chuckle from the doctor.

“you could, um, put your head on my chest,” his cheeks tinted pink. “i love it when you do that.” you planted a quick kiss on his cheekbone before pressing a longer one to his lips.

every time your lips met, as cliched as it was, it felt like the first again. not in every way, they were missing the same awkward teeth clashing and spit swapping as the original, but you could almost feel every ounce of passion jolting all the way through your being. and most assuredly, spencer reciprocated your feelings as he chased your lips every single time they made to retreat from his.

you pulled the chair as close to the hospital bed as you could and rested your head on his chest. the lyrical, constant beat of spencer’s lulled you to sleep, creating a symphony just for you.

before your eyes closed, you intertwined spencer’s fingers with yours, prompting him to look down at you. “i’ve got promises to keep, and miles to go before i sleep.”

though he knew it was medically impossible, spencer reid’s heart leapt a mile in his chest at the irrevocable love he felt for you, both in that moment and always as he completed the line, “and miles to go before i sleep.”

********************

guys wait i think this is the first ending i’ve written that i actually enjoy and i just finished this at 1am last night and i am so sleep deprived

please let me know if you want to be added/removed from my taglist!!

tags: @sojournmichael @stinkyelf @crazyfore3 @cal-ifornication @eggygorl02 @howdycharlie @eosprincess @mortallythoughtfulgurl @illuxions-x @unlikelyempathpruneauthor @blankets-for-bees @holycandypizza @flyingbabyunicornnamedangel @lovelyrdjr @minnie-bby @fantastic-fans @ashwarren32 @rexorangecouny @elitereid @keomoon @achieveonyourown @whogirl7 @jjtheangel @carol-danvers-wife

#vicficwriterchallenge #spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid oneshot #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fic #spencer reid angst #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid criminal minds #criminal minds #cm #matthew gray gubler #matthew gray gubler character #mgg #mgg character #my writing

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ladyonfire28 · 4 years

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Came back from my little break for that new article ! Here is the translation of Adèle and Aïssa’s interview for Libération. It’s a very long, but very interesting one. So i recommend to read it. There may be a lot of incoherencies so please tell me if something doesn’t make sense !

Aïssa Maïga and Adèle Haenel : «Finally there’s something political happening»

They stood up together at the César and have since been striving to invent a common front against all forms of discrimination. For "Libération", actresses Adèle Haenel and Aïssa Maïga retrace the journey of generational awareness.

Some kind of symbol. A large mural, in tribute to George Floyd, a 46-year-old black American who died on 25 May when he was arrested by a white policeman, and to Adama Traoré, who died at the age of 24 on the floor of the "caserne de Persan" (Val-d'Oise) following an arrest in 2016, was painted at the beginning of the week on the façade of a building in the 10th arrondissement of Paris. Close by, the Adama Committee organized a press conference on Tuesday. Words, demands and the announcement of a new march to fight against police violence. It takes place this Saturday in the capital, from the Place de la République to the Place de l'Opéra. The organizers dream of seeing a huge crowd come together. This demonstration comes at the heart of a tense period. Young people are demanding answers and action, while many police officers feel that the Minister of the Interior is letting his troops down in the face of the scolding.

In the street, we will find associations, politicians and many people. Adèle Haenel and Aïssa Maïga will be there. Not a first. They were already present on June 2nd at the rally in front of the Paris high court. The actresses didn't really know each other before the last César ceremony, marked by the speech of one and the shattering departure of the other. Since then, they have never left each other. Both describe the moment as a "turning point". The fights converge.

When the idea of a cross-exchange came on the table to put words to their commitments, they did not hesitate. On Thursday, in a roadstead near Belleville, Adèle Haenel arrived first, followed by Aïssa Maïga. They are not of the same generation, the journeys and paths are different. The styles too. The one who got up at the announcement of the prize awarded to Polanski goes up and down, talks with her body. The one who, at the same ceremony, invited to count the black people in the room appears calmer, stays seated on her chair, speaks in a low voice. Adèle Haenel and Aïssa Maïga complement each other.

From where are you speaking?

Adèle Haenel: I speak from my personal political background, rooted in feminism, a background that is shaken by the worldwide movement around police violence and by the French movement around the Adama Committee. I would say that taking charge of my own history has given me the ability to deal with other broader issues that do not immediately affect me. I'm talking about a kind of political awakening. This desire to show my support for the families of the victims, for the political movement against racism and police violence in France, and for the actors who take a stand. I'm thinking of Omar Sy, Camélia Jordana and you, Aïssa.

Aïssa Maïga: This intersectional awakening evoked by Adèle is a place where I have been for a long time without necessarily being able to name it. For a long time, the racial question in cinema was so pervasive in my life that it cannibalized everything else. I felt that it was less difficult to be a woman, in a world that discriminates women, than it was to be a black woman. The work done by Afrofeminists in France and abroad put the words in my mouth that I didn't have because I didn't have that heritage. I am speaking from a place that is on the move and that is not made up of certainties, that is made of interrogations, especially about the fact that I can implement changes on my own scale. And I'm also speaking from a place that is purely civic and is tinged with various influences. I didn't grow up in a poor suburb, I didn't live in financial precariousness, I come from a rather intellectual middle class, it gave me certain tools, and yet I haven't escaped this very French thing, a soft racism, rarely seen but which is haunting... because it's omnipresent.

Why did you get involved with the Adama Committee?

A.M.: Because this is a fight for justice. It was Assa Traoré who came to meet me during the release of the collective book Noire n'est pas mon métier ("Black is not my job"). I knew her from afar, I knew her struggle, and she appeared. The support became obvious and it has really taken shape in the last few months. I was immediately impressed by this woman, her quiet strength, and this ability to forge a bond, to think of her family drama in political terms. Her voice matters. She's not just an icon: she allows a movement to emerge.

A.H.: For me, it's even more recent, I had to go through a problem that was going through me, that involved my body in discrimination in order to mingle with other injustices. I was listening to what Assa Traoré was saying and I was struck by her determination and intelligence. But it is only very recently that I also became physically aware that I could not fail to support this woman and the whole fight against police violence and racism, in the same way that I am taking up the fight for feminism and against sexual violence. I can't have it two-tiered.

On June 2nd, more than 20,000 people gathered in front of the High Court of Paris, at the request of the Adama Committee. An unprecedented turnout, with many young people, why?

A.M.: The Adama Committee saw very well the link between George Floyd's drama and their own. The death of Adama Traoré, choked under three gendarmes, was materialized before our eyes with the unbearable images of Floyd's death. The French youth who look at these images cannot fail to make the connection, it is obvious. There is also a form of accessible activism that is developing via social networks. Activists will involve others through simple, accessible sentences: if you are not a POC, you are still involved, it is your responsibility to listen and take an active part, at your level, in the fight for equality. There is also the idea that we need to establish a link between police violence, the racism that can be found in other social spaces, the issue of gender equality, the environment, and the urgency of dealing with these problems now. There is also a form of anxiety among young people: they are told that in fifty years' time there will be no more water. And finally the feeling of injustice, which is omnipresent and linked to the circulation of images on social networks. Police violence follows one after the other, and this creates an accumulation effect. It is not just a dogmatic political vision, but a reality that is lived or perceived as real.

A.H.: There is a turning point in the effectiveness of the movement as well. This feeling carried by Assa Traoré that we are powerful. It's not just ideas that go around the world, it's ideas that make the world happen. It gives hope and responsibility to a whole generation.

During Aïssa's speech at the Césars, in which she confronts the profession with the near-invisibility of actors, filmmakers and producers from French overseas territories and African and Asian immigrants in French cinema, you are in the room, Adèle. You don't know each other yet. Do you understand her speech immediately?

A.H.: It's obvious, but it's not immediate, it takes a little time to understand the extent of the racist mechanism when you, yourself, haven't been forced to see how it works. I was brought back to particular assignments, but not to this one. So it takes a long time before it becomes unbearable evidence. When Aïssa takes the floor, it's courageous because the room is very cold and it's making it even colder. I thought it was funny and I thought "finally, something political is happening".

Did you both understand that people find it violent to count black people in the room, and even that they might find it paradoxical to split the audience?

A.M.: Counting isn't splitting, it's measuring the gap between us and equality. When it comes to inequality, to be blind to color is to be blind to the social burdens that come from our history and the imagination that flows from it. I am fighting for art and culture to deconstruct racial fictions. In our field, cinema, there is a tendency to believe that when a few exceptions appear, the problem of racial discrimination is solved. I do not think that my presence, that of Omar Sy, Ladj Ly or Frédéric Chau, Leïla Bekhti, for example, however gifted they may be, exonerates French cinema from an examination of conscience. There is always an over-representation of people perceived as non-white in roles with negative connotations - and it's not me saying this, it's the CSA, through its diversity barometer. There are still too few opportunities for younger people, who today in 2020 deplore what I deplored when I was starting out. Still too few non-whites behind the camera and almost no one in decision-making positions. I started this job when I was 20 years old. I am 45. A generation, not a few exceptions, should have risen. It hasn't. And it's unbearable as a citizen, a mother and an artist.

At the César ceremony, I deliberately used a inflammable symbol. If we refuse to measure differences in access to opportunities in terms of racial discrimination, perhaps we are accepting the status quo. Today, we need concrete action by decision-makers and numerical targets in order to measure progress. A few personal successes, however brilliant they may be, cannot justify the violence of large-scale unequal treatment.

A.H.: The substance of what Aïssa said to the César is relevant, it speaks to the moment, and being shocking has the virtue of awakening. The criticisms that followed were "I agree but"... In fact, it means that even when the substance is right, the form is never the right one. It's a form of censorship, there are people who have the right to speak and others who don't.

A.M.: Allowing oneself to express anger head-on is taboo because we are actresses and we are supposed to preserve the desire that others project on us. And also because it highlights the precarious nature of this profession: are you able to overcome your fear, to express your opinion, with the risk of losing something?

A.H.: From my point of view, that of a white woman - forgive me for putting myself in this position, but it's still unfortunately an assignment - I see that when I spoke about what happened to me personally, I received a lot of support, especially from people who are not especially on our side. However, as soon as I spoke up, politically, to say that giving the prize to a rapist fleeing from justice was an insult, all of a sudden I was really overstepping what I was entitled to do, what I could interfere in...

Do you think there's a "white privilege"?

A.M.: Words are so tricky...

A.H.: When Virginie Despentes uses the term "white privilege", it's a bit related to Aïssa's gesture when she counts the black people in the room. It's a question of pointing out, by calling up words that should be those of the past, the gap between the evolution of universalist ideals and the facts of manifest exclusion at work. Provocation points out this flaw and invites us to close it.

Is there state racism?

A.M.: I don't know about "state" racism, it would have to be written into the laws to say that. The right word is systemic: it means that there is something that does not allow for real equality, something in the established rules that allows a small number of people to discriminate without being worried. What also raises the question is the inertia of the state in the face of the continuation of systemic inequalities.

From what you say, we are at a turning point in the struggle against racial, gender, social and other forms of discrimination...

A.M.: I felt the turning point in 2018 with #MeToo, Time's Up, and when I saw all these women from such diverse backgrounds (in the streets) after Trump's election. It was an image I had never seen before in my generation. It was in the United States, and yet something happened to me in France, because I had been dreaming of this convergence for a long time. I'm not here to defend my chapel. I'm not going to be satisfied with a breakthrough if blacks have more roles while Arabs and Asians are still in a degraded situation in French cinema. The convergence I'm talking about didn't quite take place at the time of #MeToo, which quickly became a white women's movement in my eyes. In French cinema, there is also the "50-50 for 2020" movement [collective for parity and inclusion founded in 2018, editor's note] that I saw coming like the guerrilla movement we had been waiting for for a long time, pragmatic, quick, positively impatient, very constructive. The work done in favor of parity is colossal. On the other hand, I regret that diversity is the next program. But it cannot be the next program for me, that is the mistake. I've talked about it very openly, and frankly in a fairly relaxed way with some of them.

A.H.: Much more relaxed than I was, by the way!

A.M.: And then I said to myself that the battles are progressing on different levels and that we're going to have to find some kind of alignment. The fight for women's rights is not just a women's issue, it's a men's issue, just as the fight against racism is not just about POC. And it wasn't until 2020 and the murder of George Floyd that there were those voices, especially white voices, that said, "This is my problem too." Including in France, where this awakening of consciousness is made possible by the work done by the families of victims of police violence.

A.H.: In my political journey so far, I had forgotten to understand the places where I am not just in a situation of domination. I am also, as a white woman who is not in a precarious position, in a dominant position in certain aspects. Understanding that, feeling that, is essential. My political agenda was focused on feminism, and I didn't realize that it was implicitly white feminism, unintentionally excluding. What Aïssa says seems fundamental to me: the agenda that would order one cause after another is not conceivable and leads to inertia. It leagues us against each other in identity issues that are sterile, since they reiterate the terms of oppression. This is a major issue in the effectiveness of political struggles: how can we mobilize without reiterating the categorization we are fighting against? This implies understanding that there is a deep articulation between all systems of domination and that there is a need to defend these causes in a cross-cutting manner.

Aïssa's speech on June 2nd, during the demonstration initiated by the Adama Committee, called for a fair, dignified and positive representation of minorities in the media. But who can judge what is dignified and fair? Only the ones who are affected ?

A.H.: Today, in France, female characters in films are implicitly white women: I have a much wider range of possible jobs than that offered to a black actress. But in my field of so-called universal women, very often, women are offered satellite roles around male characters. These roles take up what is considered to be the normal white female nature, of restraint and reification. What appears natural here is a cultural construction of identity that is done precisely through stories. This is one of the reasons why the political stakes of representations in the cinema are so important.

Is this a criterion for assessing or rejecting a work? What should be done with existing works that have been reassessed as problematic?

A.H.: Works must be recontextualized. They are not created out of nowhere, out of time. Let's question them! That doesn't mean that we stop watching them, but that we ask ourselves what their political substratum is and what they convey. Questioning representations is a sign of vitality. And that does not mean that we would no longer have the right to see these works.

A.M.: With this waltz of statues of slavery figures in the United States or in the French overseas departments at the moment, the citizens gives their answer. Either the work must be contextualized, in a museum or in a place with a historical explanatory note, or it must stand out.

Is it women, more willingly than men, who carry this convergence of fights ?

A.M.: I feel a change in the scale of our lives, a major turning point in the way we perceive each other and allow ourselves to hybridize in these battles. Regarding the massive presence of women from cinema in front of the High Court on June 2, I wonder. In particular about my own capacity to build bridges... while guaranteeing the visibility of the fights against discrimination against women or POC. How do we ensure that the fight against discrimination, for equality and equity, is as visible as the rest? I am not at all sure how to do this. But it has to be done. When, the day after the César, I received a text message from Adèle, even though we don't know each other, and she writes to me to say "I heard you. I'm here. Let's meet", it can be as simple as that.

Why did you send that text?

A.H.: Because of the solitude in this room. And the brave gesture of saying what she said on stage. We'd met the same evening and maybe I hadn't caught the moment, I was captivated by our own event... That is, what had happened after we'd, let's say..., gone to get our coats a bit earlier in the dressing room... (Aïssa Maïga laughs) And I thought, let's not forget the constructed gesture, the political intentionality of Aïssa in there. I wanted to get closer to her courage. So I think that we shouldn't talk about masculinity by saying "men", that we should consider masculinity as a field of organization of power with its own complexities, and its intersectional repercussions. I refer to Angela Davis' book, Women, Race & Class, on the issue of the difficult articulation between the civil rights movement in the United States and the emerging white feminist movements where there was a lot of racism. Why don't we think of ourselves as spontaneous and necessary allies between categories of discrimination, racial, social and gendered? We need to take the history of this division seriously in order to work on it and overcome it. As Assa Traoré does in an ultra-intelligent way when she says "Whatever your religion, your sexual orientation, wherever you come from, whatever your skin color". It is an invitation to self-criticism of our own movement. This is my discovery at the beginning of this year: the self-criticism of my history as a white feminist.

When you get up during the César, is it thoughtful or impulsive?

A.H.: This award was a claim to the right to do whatever you want as long as you are at the top. That is to say: rich white men who don't feel concerned when we talk about violence. What it means beyond sexual violence is that there are people to whom repressive laws do not apply. It's as if the police and the laws shouldn't act against them, but around them... And that's what you feel in that moment in the room. What happened on César night was a dissolution of the status quo. Now it's either you stay in the room or you don't stay in the room.

A.M.: And it was important to be there at the César, because I read a lot about boycotting that evening, but for me there was no question of backing out. A boycott is not just staying at home behind your television, not being there without anyone really noticing. It was important to say that the home of cinema is also our home, our space, our place of expression. We are in a position to speak out and for that to have the virtue of provoking discussion. When that person wins that award, it's the time of the turkey, where someone praises the rapist grandfather, when everyone knows. And you're breathless, you can't move, time becomes elastic, everything is extremely heavy, it's unreal. You enter another dimension. And the fact that a person manages to regain possession of time, to become master of their time and master of their body by standing up and saying no, it put oxygen back in, it woke us up. Adèle and I looked at each other two or three times during the evening, we knew we were together. There was something like a physical experience. We boarded the ship together.

We're spotting the allies.

A.M.: That's right. And time returned to normal when Adèle, Céline Sciamma and others, including me, got up. It was a coherent political gesture in which many people recognized themselves.

Do you think that your political positions, formalized at the César, can have an impact on your career?

A.M.: The question is how do you break a family secret? Festen is one of my favorite films. (Laughs) I wasn't born at the time of the 2020 César, it's the result of a personal journey and a legacy. Others before me have spoken, for example Luc Saint-Eloy and Calixthe Beyala on the same issues at the Césars in 2000. When Canal + and the César invited me to come and give an award, I said "yes, but I want complete freedom". Blowing up a family secret is a movement for self-liberation, it's an essential meeting with yourself. Choosing to be on the side of silence, of the status quo and therefore of injustices with full knowledge of the facts is something I was quite incapable of doing. The consequences for one's profession are not that one doesn't care, but spitting out what one has to say is a top priority. The question of what it is going to cost behind it is resolved by the feeling of freeing the word, provoking debate, making a generational contribution to the fight for equality, which in essence concerns us all. I have an appointment with myself around 60, 65, the age when my children will be about the same age as I am today. There is something about transmission. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror. I don't want to tell myself that I haven't taken advantage of my little privilege of being a POC exception in French cinema to the detriment of all those young people I meet on the street, who aren't white and who say to me with fear in their stomachs, "Do you think I can still do this job?"

What about you, Adèle?

A.H.: The message that was sent to me very clearly by a casting director is that I will never work again. Obviously, this person was very sure of himself, since he wrote it in print capital letters about a dozen times. What do you say when you ask for respect and silence? They say, "Don't speak out politically because it's not your role". But also: "Don't take the lead artistically either because you're an actress, you have to follow the genius of your director". This whole structure is part of this culture where you shouldn't listen to yourself but to submit. I don't know what the consequences will be for my job. What is certain is that I will never regret it. We did something that night that freed the voices of a lot of people. That is worth much more than all the threats to my career, which in any case is always fragile, because it is a precarious environment. If I totally respected the rules and said, "Yes, yes, you have to separate the man from the artist", that wouldn't stop me from being able to get out of the game. It's as much about inventing one's life as trying to open up the future.

Written by Cécile Daumas , Rachid Laïreche and Sandra Onana. Photo by Lucile Boiron

#adèle haenel #aïssa maïga #adele haenel #aissa maiga #portrait of a lady on fire #that was a very great read #can i just say i gasped when aïssa mentioned Festen #it's an incredible movie !!!#portrait de la jeune fille en feu #libération #sometimes i translate things #long text #black lives matter #blm

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citrineghost · 3 years

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Talking about disabled people

Why do abled people have literally no idea how to talk about disabled or chronically ill people? I don’t know but let me go over this for those of you who are abled and don’t understand

(For anyone using screen readers, the “abled person” lines have a red x next to them to indicate they’re not okay and the “disabled person” lines have a green check to indicate that they are okay)

(Also TW for ableism for all of the examples of what you shouldn’t be doing as well as fatphobia and body image for the section on stigmatizing appearance.)

Do not turn disabled people into inspiration porn.

Here’s the nuance:

❌ Abled person: It’s so amazing that this disabled person has managed to get a job and get married even though they’re disabled and it must be really hard for them and all of the people around them

Why: You, as an abled person, are implying that it’s a miracle that a disabled person can have a happy life without being “normal”

✅ Disabled person: Seeing this other disabled person with a full time job and a love life makes me feel encouraged that I can be happy too despite my disabilities

Why: Disabled people often feel hopeless with their own disabilities because of the unhealthy perspective the abled world pushes regarding how disabled people must be miserable.

Do not mourn disabilities.

Here’s the nuance:

❌ Abled person: This Youtuber I watch just came out about their disability. It’s just really sad. I can’t believe they’ve been dealing with this all without talking about it. They acted so happy all the time!

Why: Being disabled is not sad. We struggle with accessibility in a world that likes to marginalize us and that is the only sad thing about being disabled. Implying that it is sad that someone is disabled is to imply that you don’t believe they can achieve happiness or comfort because of it. The second part of this statement is problematic because it implies that disabled people can’t be happy or that because someone is presenting as happy that it must be a farce because disabled people are sad and miserable all the time, which is completely untrue.

✅ Disabled person: I just found out I have a lifelong disability and I’ve been having breakdowns about it for the last week because I’m afraid of what this means for me.

Why: Disabled people are allowed to mourn themselves and the struggles they face - because there are struggles to disability. However, this is different than when an abled person does so for many reasons, two of which I will cover.

The first reason is that disabled people are aware of the facets of their lives that may change. Someone with a degenerative disease may have to give up hiking or someone with a joint disorder may have to limit their knitting or drawing to save themselves from severe joint pain and inflammation. When abled people mourn disabilities, they are typically mourning perceived losses, which include things like romance, careers, and happiness, which are all things disabled people are perfectly capable of achieving. If you are friends with someone disabled, the only time you should be mourning their disability is if you are directing sympathy as a specific facet of it which they have brought up themselves before and which they have implied is acceptable to give sympathy for. This is something you’ll have to feel out with individuals because everyone is comfortable with different levels of sympathy and understanding about disability subject which may be touchy.

The second reason is that a large reason disabled people struggle on a day to day basis is due to inaccessibility and ableism that is only there due to an ableist society. For instance, a disabled person might find out they’re going blind and realize they will now have to learn to navigate a world where they can’t read signs without braille on them. They might find out they have become paralyzed from the waist down and will now have to use a wheelchair every time they’re out of the house, in a world where ramps and elevators are touch and go and where some places put illegal lock-and-key restrictions on elevators which can be dangerous for wheelchair users and physically disabled non-wheelchair users alike. As a disabled person, a large part of what looks like mourning disability is actually mourning their future of struggling with ableism. As an abled person, you don’t have any reason to mourn that. Instead, it is your job to fight for accessibility in any place you have influence.

Do not apply suffering to disabilities.

Here’s the nuance:

❌ Abled person: I just found out my friend is suffering from autism.

❌ Abled person: Oh! I didn’t realize you were struggling with EDS.

❌ Abled person: Apparently my classmate has been fighting with chronic pain this whole time.

❌ Abled person: I talked with this guy who was confined to a wheelchair the other day.

Why: Disabilities do not inherently come with suffering. While many people do suffer from certain elements of their disabilities, it is not your place, as an abled person, to decide if that is the case for them. Saying that someone is suffering from whatever their disability is reinforces the idea that disabled people are weak, sickly, and miserable, which leads to other ideas like that our lives are inherently less valuable than abled people’s because all we do is sit around uselessly while we suffer.

In regard to the wheelchair example, specifically, this is a common issue. Abled people frequently refer to wheelchair users as being “confined” or some other equivalent. This is because abled people see a wheelchair as something that ruins mobility. They are comparing their own ability to walk on two legs all the time with no repercussions to what their life would be like if “confined” to a wheelchair. However, for those using wheelchairs, a wheelchair is actually improving their mobility. If someone is paralyzed, their use of a wheelchair makes it possible for them to leave bed and move around independently and leave the house when they otherwise might be unable to. For someone who has chronic fatigue or a heart condition or so on, using a wheelchair part time can make it possible to go out for long periods of time when they otherwise might not be able to stand for more than a few minutes without feeling faint or dizzy. Wheelchairs improve the lives of wheelchair users. If they were being “confined,” they wouldn’t be using them.

✅ Disabled person: I’m just really struggling with my EDS lately. I’ve been so inspired to draw, but my hands just won’t cooperate with me lately from the cold weather.

Why: Disabled people do struggle with some things regarding their disabilities. It is only natural that they will talk about these struggles when they are with someone they’re comfortable doing so around. This is usually a pinpointed struggle and not a blanket statement. Even if a disabled person makes a generalized statement about hating having a disability, it is well within their right to make that statement, while it is completely inappropriate for an abled person to make that comment for them.

Do not gatekeep or polarize the disabled experience.

Here’s the nuance:

❌ Abled person: Our friend says she’s depressed, but I’m pretty sure she’s just saying it for attention. She seems fine whenever I see her.

Why: Mental illness is not the same for everyone. While one person with depression may be unable to drag themselves out of bed to get food, another person with depression might put on a full face of makeup and plaster on a smile every morning only to go home and collapse in bed at 4pm. They may feel completely empty the entire time they seem to be having fun. Or, if you can believe it, they might just be having fun. Depression is not “sad all the time” disorder. It’s deeper than that. If you can’t see evidence of the disorder someone has and you’re not A) their therapist or B) their doctor, mind your own business.

❌ Abled person: My classmate uses a wheelchair but I see him standing up out of it all the time. I don’t know who he’s trying to fool. He’s not sneaky.

Why: Wheelchair users do not always use a wheelchair because they are paralyzed or unable to stand or walk. Many people use wheelchairs because of physical weakness caused by disability, such as muscle atrophy, joint instability, or chronic pain that is worsened by walking or standing for more than short periods of time. There are also heart conditions such as POTS that make the heart rate go up by over 30 BPM by just standing, making the person suddenly feel lightheaded, risk passing out, or just plain exhausting them. Why a person uses a wheelchair is none of your business and it is not always as cut and dry as being completely unable to move without one. People who do not need wheelchairs do not use wheelchairs.

Do not stigmatize disability and physical appearance.

Here’s the nuance:

❌ Abled person: It’s no wonder her joints hurt. It’s not a disorder, she just needs to lose weight.

Why: It is a common misconception that people struggle physically because of their weight. While this may be true in some cases, for those with disabilities, it is not. Abled people tend to get stuck thinking in the same direction. They think that weight is causing disabilities. In fact, it frequently goes the other direction. Disabilities often lead to weight gain. This can be caused by hormonal imbalances, muscle atrophy, and the inability to be as physically active as abled people. While people moralizing weight and being fatphobic is an issue in and on itself, it is especially dangerous and ableist when it leads to people’s disabilities being ignored, excused, or overlooked due to the way they look. This is a problem within the medical community especially, as doctor’s frequently won’t diagnose a disability unless their patient loses weight first to prove that the problem persists even when weighing less.

❌ Abled person: I would be depressed too if I was overweight and looked like her.

❌ Abled person: How can she be depressed? She’s gorgeous and has it all. How ungrateful can you be?

Why: Depression, as well as any other mental illness, is not cause or fixed by physical appearance. It is caused by trauma, pervading negative circumstance, or by an independent chemical imbalance in the brain that has not been caused by any environmental factors. Someone being attractive to someone else will not cure their depression. Their depression likely warps their sense of self worth anyway, so their appearance is irrelevant. A person being overweight or unattractive by your standards is not causing them depression unless they are being traumatized by fatphobia, to a degree that it is destroying their mental health. That’s not a problem with their appearance, it is a problem with fatphobes who see a person’s weight as determining their value.

❌ Abled person: She’s pretty but she’s crazy as hell.

Why: Aside from the obviously derogatory use of the word “crazy,” there is a lot wrong with this statement. The first thing is that it values a person based on her appearance and nothing else. The second thing is that it implies that her attractiveness is diminished because of a mental health issue. The third thing is that it implies her diminished attractiveness due to her mental health issue detracts from her overall value. People with mental health disorders can look like anyone else and their mental health does not take away from their value as a person.

Do not police disabled people’s self identifiers or labels.

Here’s the nuance:

❌ Abled person: You can’t call yourself a cripple, that’s an ableist slur.

Why: Disabled people can call themselves whatever they want to, actually. When someone uses a word considered a slur to self-identify, it is because they are reclaiming it. The same way Black people can call themselves the n word and white people cannot, the same way people can self identify as queer, disabled people are allowed to call themselves crippled, crazy, or any other previously condemned slur that they want to. Reclaiming slurs is a way to take away the power they have over people by those who wish to use them in a derogatory way.

❌ Abled person: No, we can’t go to that one amusement park. It has no accessibility options and my friend is crippled.

Why: The only time it is acceptable for an abled person to call a disabled person a slur, even one used as a self-identifier, is if that person has told them they can. Do not ever call your disabled friends by slurs, reclaimed or otherwise, unless you know for sure that they are okay with it. And do not ever call someone you don’t know by a slur even if you know another disabled person who has reclaimed it.

❌ Abled person: You shouldn’t call yourself an autistic person. We’re supposed to use person-first language.

Why: Person-first language (e.g. person with autism rather than autistic person) can be useful in some respects, but it is disregarded by many. If you are unsure if you should use person-first language, ask the individual you’re speaking to or about. For many, their disorder or disability is an important part of who they are and they prefer to use it as a self-identifier (e.g. wheelchair user, autistic person, disabled person, etc.) Whether you are abled or disabled, you do not have the right to take away a person’s self-identifiers, regardless of if the most popular, politically correct form of speech is different than what they use.

With this particular form of speech (person-first language), I would also recommend refraining from correcting other abled people as well. It is not agreed-upon across the board by disabled people, so it isn’t worth pushing for unless the person you’re talking to is clearly making a habit of dehumanizing disabled people. (Though this last part is only my opinion and not a hard fact.)

❌ (red X) Disabled person: Don’t call yourself crazy. It’s a slur and I don’t like it.

Why: While it is completely fine for a disabled person to tell others not to refer to them by slurs, as they have not reclaimed them, it is inappropriate for a disabled person to tell other disabled people not to self-identify with reclaimed slurs. This kind of request takes away the other person’s agency in removing the power of that slur over themselves and attempts to insist that they should regard it as something with power. If you are disabled and are triggered by a certain slur that someone you know self-identifies with, try approaching it from a more explanatory angle.

For example: I respect your choice to reclaim that word, but it’s something I am triggered by/uncomfortable with. Could you please try to avoid using it when I’m around?

From then on, it is up to the person reclaiming the slur to decide if they are willing to compromise. If they are not willing to avoid using it around you, it is your responsibility to distance yourself from them rather than try to police their language, so long as they are not directing the slur at you to intentionally make you uncomfortable or try to police your language.

✅ Disabled person: I know that we are both mentally ill, but I am not comfortable with being called crazy like you are. Please don’t call me that.

Why: Policing someone else’s self-identifying language and asking them to respect your own self-identifying language is very different things. Every disabled person has the right to ask others not to use reclaimed slurs on them, as these words have a rocky past and many disabled people have been oppressed and traumatized with these words in their personal lives. You should always respect others’ boundaries and self-identifiers.

Thank you for taking the time to read and educate yourself on appropriate language when speaking about people with disabilities!

If you have questions, feel free to reblog or reply. If you are also disabled and disagree with any of what I said, or if you’d like to add something I missed, please let your own voice be heard as well.

I encourage you to start reply chains instead of all reblogging separately, because with long chains of additions, it’s easier for people to see all of the important additions in one place. So, check out the notes and see if there are other points you agree with and want to include in your own reblog!

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