#to have them. like as a trans man with severe dysphoria. he worked way too hard to let them just. leave | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

felixstudios · 8 months

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hey would headcanons for how the managers (maybe even bosses too) react to being told by someone that they get gender envy from them be a dumb idea or

Random Corporate Clash Headcanons, You Have Gender Envy Edition

Duck Shuffler

🎰He laughs a lot

🎰 Doesn't really have any outward reaction that shows how he feels, he just asks you if you want to spin his slots

🎰He was secretly kinda flattered

Prethinker

🧠"It's only logical that you should feel envious of someone as smart as me, no matter in what capacity"

🧠Um... I'm not sure he really understands what gender envy is

Derrick Man

🛢️"......."

🛢️"Okay."

🛢️He goes back to work

Deep Diver

🫧He doesn't really know or care if you meant in terms of him being male, female, or both. He's just happy he's apparently some kind of gender icon to you

🫧She will probably ask you if you're trans and if you are, give you some tips

🫧Free trans supplies!!!!!

Rainmaker

⛈️She's a little confused and says sorry she made you jealous

⛈️ Doesn't really get what it means

⛈️Will ask what she can do to make it better

Land Acquisition Architect

🚦He's a bit confused but he eventually asks you what that even means

🚦When it's explained to him, he just kinda shrugs and says he's just been himself

🚦Then asks you nicely to please get off the land of C.O.G.S., Inc.

Gatekeeper

⚔️She's proud of her apparent accomplishment. Gaze upon her! For she is perfect.

⚔️Potentially will give you trans advice that's veiled as an insult Ex: "Thine shirt art but a disgrace to see!" is her way of saying your shirt looks great but does you no favors in trying to pass if that's something that you worry about.

Witch Hunter

🔱Scoffs and basically tells you to leave

🔱Thinks you're just tryna sweet talk him

Public Relations Representative

🧱He says thank you and asks if there's anything he could do to help ease any possible gender dysphoria you have

🧱Will probably try to talk to you more frequently afterwards

Bellringer

🔔Doesn't really know what it means

🔔Asks you if you're trans and/or have gender dysphoria

🔔Will then try to have a very loud discussion with you

Multislacker

🥪"Oh... that's, like, a trans thing, right? Sorry... I don't really know a whole lot about that."

🥪"I know it's a lot to ask since you've probably been asked like a thousand times, but... could you explain all that stuff to me?"

🥪He has a slight gender crisis by the end. He is egg. You made him discover he is egg.

Mouthpiece

☎️She doesn't really get it, but she's glad you look up to her somehow

☎️You get some free cookies for the road

☎️And a new sweater

☎️And a new scarf

☎️And a... oh that's a lot of gifts

Major Player

🎹He makes a big deal about it and then asks if you wanna dance with him

🎹Is genuinely very flattered he's a gender icon to you

🎹He give you... a free pride pin of your choosing. Don't worry about why he has so many, don't look into that don't worry about that don't-

Firestarter

🔥He apologizes for making you want something he has and literally asks if taking himself apart so you can take his suit/body as like your own Cog disguise would help you feel better

🔥Will also ask in what ways can he help you feel less gender envy about him

Plutocrat

🌑Gives you a bit of a confused look

🌑Tells you to leave

🌑Once you're gone, he asks one of his Satellite Inventors what the heck a gender envy is

Treekiller

🪵Laughs a bit and says that's a funny story

🪵Refuses to believe that a man who's quite masculine could be a gender icon. Not because he underestimates himself, he just doesn't really understand that kinda stuff

Chainsaw Consultant

🪚Stares at you in confused silence

🪚After several seconds, he just says, "What?"

🪚If you explain it to him, he just says, "Oh."

🪚He wasn't sure how to express being kinda flattered

Featherbedder

💤Doesn't really seem to care about it

💤Just takes a nap lol

💤They just weren't sure how to respond

Pacesetter

👟Well, of course someone as perfect as him would be a gender icon

👟He'll probably end up making extra sure he looks perfect as always around you because now he feels like he has to meet expectations to not shatter your image of him

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vampyre-nights · 4 months

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Trans!Leon headcanons

Not enough people talk about trans!Leon in a non-sexual way. It saddens me to see people being so weird and gross about the hc sometimes, so I'm going to add some more regular stuff to the pool ig. This hc makes me so so happy as a trans person myself, and honestly I totally see him being trans regardless of my own identity.

Also if these seem unrealistic for the time period or situation I really don't gaf because there are insane bioweapons that can make tyrants and turn people into huge flesh/eye monsters among other things.

Also CW for transphobia mention/discussion for the Krauser segment of this!

He definitely used to bind using bandages. I could see this happening from a few years before RE2 up to the creation of the DSO after AUPIT. I think he would have switched to using (safe) tape, since it's less visible, you can exercise and shower with it, and you don't have to take it off for several days. so, it's practical for his job; at least a lot more practical than a binder. The tape would also probably be (surprisingly) fairly easy for him to get access to while working for the DSO since, from what I have found from research, if you went to a physical therapist they could give some to you. With the amount of injuries Leon constantly sustains he could probably get a pretty good supply, and I'm sure Hunnigan could help keep it on the dl.

Also, Hunnigan, Claire, Chris, Krauser, the people who had Leon's dossier when they kidnapped him and Sherry definitely know. It's impossible for the people running the DSO not to know, since they keep close tabs on Leon. I like to think he chose to tell Chris, Claire, and Hunnigan because he is close to them.

While, realistically, it would probably be kind of hard for him to get top surgery because of how often he's out in missions, I think he probably got some downtime, again thanks to Hunnigan, and did it. I'm not sure of the logistics of him doing this without the DSO knowing because of the recovery period, but maybe he did it under the guise of a major injury. This would be some time between RE4 and RE6, but I'm not exactly sure how long before RE6 and after RE4 it would be.

Krauser's pretty boy comments are, in the first place, likely homophobic. At that time period it was much more common place to hear it be used against feminine men/men who people suspected of being gay, and I think Krauser also probably used it in a sort of transphobic way as well. Something along the lines of how cis men today use the term femboy against trans people. I still think Krauser had some, at the very least, sexual feelings for Leon, but you can be homophobic and gay yk.

He takes shots because it's the most practical for him. Though it's not super practical, he would definitely be on HRT at some point (be it before RE2 or some time after. I like to think before but it wasn't very accessible then.)

Chris is definitely on Leon's ass about taking care of himself after (and before too but definitely after) Vendetta, and this definitely comes into play with helping remind him that he isn't any less of a man, helping him through his dysphoria, etc. the man wants his boyfriend to be safe, healthy, and happy.

#resident evil #leon kennedy #chris redfield #major krauser #claire redfield #ingrid hunnigan #trans leon kennedy #resident evil headcanons #my posts

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anipsychopl · 1 year

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My Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Headcanons - Leo 💙

He/him Trans man, Gay

Super insomniac

Because of his dysphoria days donnie bought him a cozy hoodie. The same one he and Mikey have

Super big crush on Usagi

Medic Leo supermacy

He begins to have trouble seeing, but will never admit it. He used to laugh at Donnie wearing glasses so now he doesn't want to wear them for fear others will laugh at him

He thought Lou jitsu was a bit of a dilf, but when it turned out he was his father, he feel terrible and ashamed about that thought

Knows ASL very well

Speaks Spanish, German and a bit of Japanese

He loves to do makeup, especially eye shadow, so sometimes he and donnie spend time together doing makeup

Because he likes glitter, makeup, slutty clothes and high heals a lot of people told him that he can’t be true trans man

After being beaten up by krang he’s knee has been pretty fucked up, he wore braces for a long time, and he has to have rehabilitation sessions with donnie

Because of Krang, Leo have scars on his shell and carapace, after it cracks

One time when Mikey told Leo he was named after Leonardo da Vinci, for short amount of time he thought his middle name was “da vinki”

He owns at least one holographic puffer jacket

If he fight another sword user, he will pull the most inappropriate stance (for example holds his sword like a bat) and yell some shit, to confuse opponent, and for fun to mess with them

He spends a long time in the bathroom. When someone tells him to come out he always response “I’m gay” for fun, even if this joke has been going on for several years

He can't talk about his emotions. Even if he want, he just can't. He tries to send his brothers little signals about his well being, but they are too small to notice. Even if its not working he is proud of himself for trying, but at the same time sad because its he can't do it normally

When they were all kids, Leo used to lie on the Donnie’s shell, making a pillow out of it

When Raph forget his epipen when he's out, Leo became overprotective in his way and yells at Raph for being irresponsible, and that he might by accident eats something with peanuts. And what then?

Fav pizza: either it's something very "weird" or it's very normal, like Hawaiian or Pepperoni

#leonardo #leo #rottmnt #rottmnt leo #leo hamato #Headcanon #rottmnt headcanons #tmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #leo hedcanons #leonardo hedcanons

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transenbyconfessions · 2 years

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I dunno if I'm delusional or got superpowers or what but I'm absolutely giddy so I wanted to share. CW for possible validation of delusions (?) including supernatural experiences and bodily control. I genuinely do believe that all of this is true but it is a bit of a wild tale, so if you are sensitive to unreality you may want to skip this confession.

So I'm afab transmasculine. Specifically, I'm a non-binary man. My dad is a bit of a "mad scientist" type (he works as a research scientist professionally, but he doesn't execute any of his ideas there because like...regulations and safety laws) so he gets a lot of his wild theoretical ideas out through creative science fiction writing. In his work of fiction, there is a long-lost group of humans that were able to evolve (consciously alter their genetics) within a single generation. He has biological and chemical reasons to explain this in the story, but it's mostly just fictional conjecture.

Also...my dad and best friend both have experienced some Very Supernatural Stuff and frankly, I believe them. Their stories align too much and they've never spoken to each other. So I am kind of in a place where I believe there's a lot we don't know. I believe in the supernatural, just not in any specific representation of it (god, ghosts, vampires, etc.). As a Weird Scientist, my dad will frequently talk about the edges of science that he thinks people haven't looked into yet—one of which is the placebo effect. The fact that just through someone believing they're being medicated, sugar pills can suddenly make a significant, well-known enough change in someone's health that it needs to be accounted for in medical studies?

So.... Shortly after realizing I had a gender (I realized I was trans in my teens, but I thought I was agender until a little over a year ago (2021 may, I believe, was the first time I tried he/him pronouns)) I decided well, why not? I took that concept from my dad's fictional story, and decided that I believed humans had a dormant ability to alter their biological functioning on a conscious level. I also decided that I believe very strongly in the placebo effect; therefore, I believe that if I believe something will affect my body in a certain way, it will within reason. So I kind of just... sent a conscious signal to my brain that I'm a man now and I'd like to generate testosterone. I tried to believe it as hard as I could, but I also tried to keep my hopes pretty low because... well, it would sound insane to anyone else, this would be commonly understood to be a fools' errand. But I

Several months after I made this decision I started noticing like, wisps of hair along my belly button and chest? And I kind of got really excited, like maybe it's working, but maybe it's a fluke, who knows. Since then there have been a lot of small details about my body that have made me euphoric that I feel like weren't there before. And I guess the most likely explanation is that conceptualizing myself as a man and my friends respecting my identity eases my overall dysphoria.

But yesterday I came out of a shower and I noticed little wisps of a mustache? And I know even pre-T that's possible, but it made me insanely euphoric and made it all feel way more real. Like it's still really really thin, the same texture as my arm hairs, but like, almost a centimeter long. And I'm also noticing straggling hairs on my thighs and I swear my waist looks boxier. My arms feel more muscular. I dunno, maybe I'm just feeding delusions, but I want it to be true so badly and it feels like it isn't hurting anyone to believe in it. And it makes me so happy, and if nothing else, helps me to highlight things about my body that I love.

#trans #transgender #nonbinary #non binary #non-binary #nb #enby #transmasculine #transmasc #science #supernatural #gender dysphoria #gender euphoria #placebo effect

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owlbelly · 8 months

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found an 80s hardcover of Cabal in the thrift store & grabbed it because i had completely forgotten i'd ever read it (which tells you something!!!) & thought "oh yeah i love Nightbreed, i should really read this one"

truly incredible how much the movie is just exactly the book, except you get a little more interiority for Lori & more interesting descriptions of the monsters - i love the practical effects & costuming in the movie but they just couldn't pull off what Barker actually wrote. but oh man this story in either form just epitomizes my love/hate relationship with the dude's work. it's got so much potential. it's so, so bad. Cabal (1988) / Nightbreed (1990) spoilers ahead

i mean come on: queer monster misfit sanctuary vs. the "real monsters" of policing & carceral mental health systems (that enable & provide cover for sadistic humans)? fuck yes. vivid descriptions of wild genderfucky polyamorous kinky mystical creatures living in their huge necropolis? all day long please

but Clive's brilliance is only matched by how much he sucks so we get an incredibly bullshit portrayal of mental illness (what's Boone's deal? we'll never know. it doesn't matter, it only matters that he's Beautiful and Tortured) & a fairly confused sense of the moral standing of various characters/systems. like. are at least some of the Breed not also sadistic killers? what exactly makes them better than Decker or the cops - is it just that they admit to what they do & they're more sexually liberated? would Decker have been accepted if he came to them looking for belonging? also are we meant to think Decker is "mentally ill" - and what does that mean for the narrative - or is the Mask literally a separate entity & does that make him/it a Breed-type monster too?

Boone calls Ashberry a monster (non-pejoratively?) for being secretly some kind of trans ("a crossdresser" but there are some other vague gestures towards gender stuff, Clive doesn't know or care) & then Ashberry, who has been trying to stop the massacre, appears to genuinely want to accept himself & join the Breed, but when he comes into contact with Baphomet (who should recognize his gender stuff!) he gets rejected & fucked all the way up instead. why?

the queerness in this story is all over the place but critics seem weirdly obsessed with a queer reading of Boone/Decker, which i just don't see at all - in the movie there's NOTHING backing that up, in the book there's some bits of narration around them being "like lovers" in terms of their mutual dependence/obsession - but Boone & Lori's very straight relationship is pretty centered! i would be super interested in a queer and/or trans reading of Lori, who actually has some dysphoria (around looking "sweet") & thinks about herself when she's jacking off (iconic...), i just don't think there's anything interesting going on with Boone. obviously the Breed as a whole are a queer allegory & in the movie & background of the book, there are some obviously queer people/relationships, but honestly why tell this queers vs. the straight world story by focusing on an apparently straight, extremely lackluster "tortured man & devoted woman" romance??

and good lord the sex scene. the reason i remembered i HAD read it is that the phrase "he threw his fuck up into her" was burned into my mind & activated me like a sleeper agent when i read it again. honey no. also Boone ejaculating on Baphomet's severed head...oh Clive.

the funniest thing i'm taking away is that i forgot that Boone is supposed to be a bewitchingly gorgeous man with a face no one can resist & the guy playing him in the movie looks like THIS

#nightbreed #cabal #clive barker #queer horror #in the night in the dark #<- my horror thoughts/reviews tag

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bitchliteraria1906 · 11 months

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Fuck it, Matt(holomule) headcanons!

His family has a comfortable life and a pretty house. I wouldn't call them rich, they're far from the Blights, but Matt never had to worry about basic needs and can enjoy some expensive things from time to time. Most of it comes from his dad coming from a wealthy family and inherinting money.

His mom is a bard who is not in a good place mentally. She regrets her career choices, blaming herself for choosing the "wrong" track instead of blaming the system for understamading bards. She barely spends time with her family because she's too busy trying to cope with her own issues. When she does talk to her kids, is only to vent about her work and give them long speeches about how they should make better decisions than her.

Matt used to accept her complaining to him and giving him unrequested advice as a way to bond, because at least she was talking to him, but as he grew older, he became annoyed by it and started distancing himself from her more and more.

As for his dad, he's a very passive man who doesn't really do much? Kinda similar to Alador, but he's not an abuse victim, he's just not used to managing things due to growing up with a lot of privilege and always having someone do things for him. He's on the construction coven and spends a lot of time working, so he's barely around, and even when he is, it doesn't really make a difference, since he just lets his wife do most of the decision making (which, by the way, adds more stress to her).

Matt is bi, ace and a trans boy. Once he came to terms with his gender identity and the fact he experiences gender dysphoria, his admiration for Steve became even stronger. He now sees a lot of what he wants to look like in him.

Speaking of which, Steve is probably Matt's favorite person, and him joining the Emperor's coven had an impact in their relationship. At one hand, it made Matt look up to him even more. On the other hand, they lost contact.

They still love each other regardless, and Matt is 100% the reason Steve's motorcycle has that extra space and helmet. And now, with the fall of Belos and the coven system, they are spending lots of time with each other and even attempting to fix things with their parents as well. Steve also encouraged Matt to start therapy, and after some stubborn denial, he actually did.

But, coming back to 12/13 years old Matt: he's alone most of the time, and his mean persona is a sad attempt to disguise social anxiety.

He wants to be good in school, but has trouble staying motivated and caring for a subject when is not something that interests him or that he's already good at.

He's a math boy. He genuinely enjoys solving complicated math questions, especially if he gets to brag about being right and better than someone, it gives him a temporary self-esteem boost and sometimes sends him in ego-trips.

On the other hand, he's not good in english. He doesn't have a lot of patience for reading and his spelling is atrocious, and it might actually be a form of dyslexia.

Self-esteem boosts also happen when he manages to cause chaos/drama or surprise someone with his talents, as seen in "Something ventured, someone framed" and "For the future": he's proud of himself for framing Luz in the first one, and visibly pleased with Gus's chock at his leadership abilities in the latter.

I firmly believe that said leadership abilities come from genuinely studying and researching about what makes a good leader, most likely from the time he still wanted to join the Emperor's coven to be like Steve.

Speaking of which, Matt was severely dissapointed when he started seeing the flaws in Belos’s system and learned about all the harsh truths about his emperor. He tried to face it with a "Well, shit happens" mentality, but it affected him greatly.

Matt loves video games and has bad posture due to the questionable ways he sits while playing. It might seem like a completely passive hobby that doesn't demand much from him, but he genuinely enjoys games that force him to think and work a bit! He loves challenges, coming up with strageties and bragging about his skills whenever he wins.

He's tired a lot of the time and has multiple methods to keep himself awake and focused on school, like eating a lot of sugar and listening to loud music that doesn't let him sleep. He does this so he doesn't have to drink coffee, something he absolutely hates. Is one of the few things Matt genuinely dislikes the taste of, since he's not a picky eater at all. In fact, he would eat anything as long as there's enough ketchup.

He's besties with Amity and Skara and I will take no criticism on this. They paint their nails and gossip together (definitely shit talk Boscha) and the girls give him fashion advice.

When he first realized wearing feminine clothes didn’t make him happy (because dysphoria) he wasn't sure what to do with his style, so he just started dressing similarly to Steve. However, he couldn’t just be Steve 2.0 forever, he needed to develop his own style, and that's where Amity and Skara shine. They give him tips, take him shopping, give him critics and encourage him to experiment. He's not a fashion icon by any means, but he feels like himself, and that's what matters. It's something he really thanks the two of them for.

Matt listens to lots of music and knows more about it than you would think, mostly because he's interacted with multiple musicians throughout his life: his mom is a bard, Steve is into bard magic (another hc of mine) and he's friends with Skara.

Because of this, he has a really interesting music taste that covers A LOT of genres. If he became interested in human music, I firmly believe he'd have a playlist that starts with Bo Burnham and ends with Metallica, and that Ariana Grande and Lady Gaga would also be there somewhere.

#the owl house #headcanons #matt #mattholomule #i love this rat boy #i love this idiot

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littleoddwriter · 2 years

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can I request your fluffiest dano!riddler headcanons? with a transmasc/transman reader please <3 thank you

Edward Nashton/The Riddler x Trans!Male!Reader | Headcanons

Hiya there! Ngl, fluffy was quite difficult today, but also exactly what I needed, so thank you very much for this request! I really hope you like these!!! <3 <3 <3

notes; Trans!Male!Reader; Gender Dysphoria; Past Trauma; Hurt/Comfort; Domestic Fluff; Comfort.

Taglist: @gnrlkenob @plat-the-cat [If anybody would like to be tagged in all of my Paul Dano works, or only those of his Riddler, then you can send me an Ask or DM with that information!] Reblogs would be appreciated, thank you!

Edward is extremely touch-starved, and in a way he hates being touched by others because he's not used to it; but with you he seeks out any physical contact he can get - if you're okay with it, too. And so his hands are on you at all times, basically, and his arms are wrapped around you as well, always embracing you and keeping you close.

Or - his favourite - he's cuddled into you when you're lying in bed together. His head rests on your chest or stomach, his arms are tightly wound around your torso, and he revels in the warmth of your body and the noises it makes; especially your heartbeat.

The cuddling is also a good tool to fight your dysphoria on some days. The way he rests half on top of you and tells you what a comfortable man to hug you are and that you're his favourite man in the whole wide world and what-not makes you all feel better. Because to him, nothing but the fact that it is you matters.

On other days, your dysphoria isn't helped by that alone, and so he puts in a lot of effort into making you believe what a wonderful guy you really are. He writes cards for you at any given time and stashes them away for when they are appropriate, or he feels like giving them to you. So, he has cards for such occasions as well. He always thinks of riddles that are solved with an answer that will definitely make you smile and feel better.

Generally when your dysphoria is bad, or you don’t feel good as a whole, he likes to distract you by asking you for timed answers to his riddles. Your reward for every correct answer is a kiss. If it was an especially difficult one, he’ll let the kiss on your lips linger. With the difficulty of the riddle, he also alternates between where he actually kisses you as a reward (forehead, cheeks, nose or lips).

In turn, whenever he suffers from his trauma and is having flashbacks or nightmares, you’re also always there to help him through it with comforting words and actions. It’s most important for him to know and realise that he’s safe and far away from the people that have hurt him, and you’re really good at making him feel that; especially because he already feels safe with you as it is, and so it’s easier for him to come back to the here and now.

Ed texts you several times throughout the day when he’s at work and even calls you during his lunch break, because it’s so assuring for him to know you’re there and willing to talk to him at any time. He also just loves hearing your voice when he calls you. It’s what brings him down and breathes some life into him when his work is draining him a little too much that day.

Every time a big day comes up (birthdays, anniversaries, general holidays, etc.) he’s super invested and plans everything through meticulously to make it an exciting, themed day for you. He loves making you gifts for those occasions and having you find them through his riddles - it’s always big fun for either of you and makes the reward of you receiving your gift that much more satisfying.

#hopefully they are fluffy enough! I'm sorry if not <3 #transmasc reader #trans male reader #trans male reader insert #male reader #edward nashton #ed nashton #edward nashton x reader #the riddler #the riddler x reader #dano riddler #dano riddler x reader #paul dano #danonation #headcanon #fluff headcanons

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froggy-frogz · 2 years

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Yes, hi! I wanted to know if you could write a saiki k. X reader? Like a transgender reader (ftm) that's having body dysphoria? Like saiki doesn't know how to comfort the reader and the reader is having a full blown panic attack about it? Its happened to me but I didn't have anyone to help me and comfort me :') (If not that's fine! If you don't like the idea please got a head and decline!)

A/N: I'm sorry hun :( that stuff always sucks! I love writing for trans readers cause of a lot of reasons, but especially cause we don't have enough writing out there so of course! Hope you enjoy and are feeling better-

TW: For like, a flashback with slight misgendering? It can be skipped but just letting y'all know! I didn't want to make it too bad :,)

After a long day at school, you were about ready to leave and not come back, but sadly, it wasn't Friday, so you would have to. You weren't sure what exactly it was, it was a combination of things, but you were sure the overwhelming body dysphoria you were having today was one of the main causes.

"Saiki?" You say, looking to who you would describe as your best friend.

He looks up at you, firstly with a look that seemed disinterested, but quickly, you could tell, actually morphed into something that seemed borderline worried.

"Can we go to your house? I don't want to go home."

He nods, and you felt extremely relieved, but sadly, it did nothing to relieve the stress and tense emotion that was upsetting you.

With a quick hello to Saiki's mother and father, you find yourself in his room, sitting against his bed as he goes through his homework, taking stuff out that needed to be worked on.

You two were given a project to work on, but frankly, you didn't want to have to work on it at the moment.

"Did something happen at school today?" He says, after a good long silence.

You have to snort, and as you rub your temples you say, "I mean, I got misgendered at school, and I thought I passed well enough."

Just talking about it made you sick.

It was at lunch, and you were sitting with your friends. Nendou was going on about something. You weren't entirely listening to him. It was just some of Nendou's usual rambling, but you had grown accustomed enough to it for it not to bother you anymore.

Ugh, you had to pee, but you didn't really like peeing at school. They had a restroom in the front of the school that was for everyone but someone had broken the toilet or something, but basically, it was out of order, so you either had to wait to pee or pee in the men's room and hope you didn't see anyone.

But with how strong the urge was, you didn't think you'd last another couple of hours.

"I'll be right back." You say, standing up to quickly rush over the men's room, hoping no one was in there.

Of course, there was, and you were met with a group of dudes who looked as if they were finishing up using the toilets themselves.

"What are you doing in here?" One of them said, clearly confused, "This is the men's room."

They all started laughing, and your stomach tightened, and you turned to rush out the way you came, as suddenly, the urge was gone.

"Well, that was fast." Nendou laughed, and it didn't really help with the severe ache in your stomach. The gross feeling had really messed with you, and the pounding in your head wasn't helping the ache that was just now growing and growing in your stomach.

"Yeah..."

You were silent for the rest of school, not wanting to even have to think about lunch.

You didn't realize that while you had thought about the entire ordeal, you were now shaking, and your eyes were wet with tears.

Shit. The last thing you wanted to do was cry, right here, in front of Saiki.

"I'm sorry." You mumble, covering your face with your hands, "Just give me a second."

You felt worse by the second, and the one-man audience didn't help. Crying in front of your best friend was not on your to-do list, and it sure didn't help with your breath now going absolutely out of control.

"Hey." He breaks your train of thought by actually scooting next to you. "How can I help?"

You wipe the tears from your face and look at him, snorting, "A hug maybe? You don't have to say anything b-but like, anything would help?"

He nods, and after a second, both of Saiki's arms wrap around you. It wasn't the most comfortable position per se, but it helped. The warmth and comfort did help a bit.

You didn't feel as bad as you cried against your hands, leaning into him.

"I'm sorry about what happened, I can go with you next time?" He says softly, his arms tightening around you.

You sniff, "Thanks."

It was some time that you two stayed like that, your head on his shoulder, and his arms around you.

"Hey."

"Yeah?" You say softly. It wouldn't be too nice if you just were to speak loudly into his ear.

"I think you pass really well. When I first met you I had no clue."

You snort, "Oh shut up, you don't mean that,"

Pulling back a little bit, you were meant with a serious face, or, his usual face.

"I mean it."

"Well, thank you, Saiki. And thank you for not ah, judging me for crying."

You go back to hugging him, hoping your tears and snot don't get on his shirt, but for the most part, you were feeling better.

You weren't the best at dealing with your emotions, but hell, you were just glad Saiki is here, because, despite everything, it really did help.

#saiki k #saiki k x reader #saiki k x ftm reader #kusuo saiki #x reader #x ftm reader #x male reader

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duckprintspress · 3 years

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Advice for Writing Trans Male Characters

Hi everyone, and welcome to our second guest post! We approached a trans man, and fellow writer, to put together a list of suggestions for cis people who want to write trans male characters! He has chosen to remain anonymous. Always remember, there is no one trans experience, and no one trans person’s knowledge will reflect the range of ways that trans people live. Our post author writes from his perspective, based on his knowledge and research, and much of this is relatively specific to the modern United States. Always use multiple sources when writing a character with an identity or identities that you don’t share!

So, you want to write a trans male character but you're not a trans man yourself. Good! We need more trans male characters out there in the world. There are a few things to consider, however. This is not a perfect list (I would never claim to be perfect), but here are some thoughts from a trans man about writing people like me.

Trans men are men. They talk like men, think like men, and walk like men, except where socialization as women has forced otherwise. By this I mean that descriptions should not include things like “he walked delicately, like a woman”. However he walks, it's like a man, because he’s a man. Other characters should not note that he “thinks like a woman” or that he “acts like a woman.” If you talk about a trans man transitioning and you mention that he is working on ways to masculinize his speech patterns or walking, that's fine, but make sure it's done from his perspective, e.g. “Michael tried to lower his voice, attempting to sound more like his father.” Do not use “Michael tried to lower his voice, not wanting to sound like a woman.” It's his voice and he sounds like a man. Also, many woman have deeper registers and many men have higher registers, and there's honestly not that much difference between a woman who speaks in a low alto and a man who speaks in a high tenor. Avoid gendering voices, mannerisms, and other things. A good rule of thumb is that if it's a concept, idea, or an inanimate or non-sentient thing, it is physically and/or emotionally incapable of having a gender and you should not assign one to it.

1. A trans man who has decided that all he needs to do is come out to be a man is still a man, with a man's body and male genitals, because he says he's a man. Even if he is not out, he is a man. He can be uncomfortable with his body, or with how others perceive his body, but it should not be described in terms of “womanly” aspects.

EX: David's breasts made him uncomfortable, reminding him that others looked at him differently than how he would have liked.

2. 72% of trans men do not ever want full gender reassignment surgery, and this doesn’t make them “less of a man.” The surgeries are expensive, invasive, and don’t always result in a fully functional genital apparatus. Also, there are a lot of them. A trans man, to have a full semi-working penis (one that will not be useful for sex but will at least be useful for urination), is looking at at least three surgeries: to remove the labia, to 'bulk up' the clitoris, and to move the urethra. There are also surgeries to remove the cervix and/or the uterus, to create a scrotum, and to add a pump inside the scrotum attached to a surgical implant in the penis to assist with arousal. Even if a man has all these surgeries, the penis he gets loses most of its sensitivity and won’t become physically aroused (as in, achieve erection) without medical intervention. He may also need electrolysis to remove pubic hair. Ultimately, many trans men opt not to deal with it. Many still want top surgery, or a hysterectomy, or both, and often testosterone is used to help deepen their voice and change their body shape (but, again, gendering a trans man's voice by suggesting it's “feminine” because he's not on testosterone or because his voice hasn't dropped yet is not a great idea). It depends on the type and amount of dysphoria a person experiences, versus their financial and mental ability to deal with the different choices. Some trans men are happy with no hormones and only top surgery. Others want or need everything. There is no “correct” way to be trans.

3. Unless your story revolves around their transition (which, as a cis person, maybe it's best you don't do, honestly), there’s no reason to go into detail about your trans male character's surgeries. If it’s not plot relevant, it's probably not necessary.

4. If you’re writing porn, make sure to always use male pronouns for him, even if he has chosen not to go through surgery. If he has gone through surgery, what he has will be indistinguishable from a cis male penis except that he may need viagra or a surgical pump.

5. Reactions to testosterone are different for every trans man. Some men never have their voices drop, never grow a beard, and/or never bulk up and get all muscle-y. Some men are on testosterone for two weeks and have a Gandalf beard with a voice low enough to sing bass. It just depends, mostly on genetics. If your character's father is a super hairy mountain man who sings bass in his lumberjack quartet, then your character is more likely to end up similar. If your character's father is basically an elf, then he's likely to be similar to that. Also, for a number of reasons, a trans man may choose not to or may be incapable of taking testosterone. Most doctors won’t prescribe it if the man wants to carry his own children in the future, for example.

6. Keep in mind that the order in which testosterone produces effects on a man’s body isn’t predictable, so don't worry too hard about 'getting it right.' Even trans men can't predict what they'll look like after being on testosterone for a while.

7. Also, a note: If your character is transmasculine and nonbinary, and taking testosterone, it's likely they will be on a lower dose than a trans man. That's not always true, but testosterone can be given at a few different doses, depending on how drastic a change a person wants and how quickly they want that change to occur. There’s still no guarantee: a trans man may never be able to grow a beard on a full dose, while a transmasculine nonbinary person might be on a very low dose and have a beard within the first month. But, generally, lower doses are meant to bring out smaller changes over a longer period of time, while higher doses are meant to bring out larger changes over a shorter period of time.

8. A non-fluid trans man is going to consider himself a man at all times, and always use he/him pronouns for himself, whether or not everyone else does. If you're writing a trans man point-of-view piece where he's not out or where he's not fully accepted, make sure he or the narrator always uses the right pronouns when others don't. That helps remind your audience that he's not the person other people think he is.

EX: Daniel was frustrated. His grandmother insisted on calling him “Sarah” no matter how many times he corrected her.

9. Menstruation is a difficult topic for a lot of trans men. Some men lose their ability to menstruate when they take testosterone, while others continue to menstruate. If they retain their uterus, however, the possibility of a menstrual cycle is always there. If/when menstruation happens for a trans man, it's often a time of major dysphoria. A trans man may have a lot of issues surrounding menstruation. Having a cervix also means yearly Pap smears, which can also be uncomfortable or dysphoria-inducing. Dysphoria can also happen during ovulation, when a person is most fertile. The body during this time is “getting ready for a baby” and the changes can be very triggering.

10. Testosterone may stop menstruation, but it doesn't necessarily stop pregnancy. Also, some trans men will go off their testosterone in order to carry their own child. During their pregnancy, it is important that they are still referred to as men. A trans man will generally prefer to be called “father” even if he carried the child, but some may prefer the term “mother.” If a cis person wishes to write a pregnant trans character, it would be better to err on the side of caution and use “father.” A trans man who has gone through top surgery will not likely be able to nurse his own children, but a man who has chosen to use a binder instead will be able to (probably - some people don’t/can’t lactate for other reasons). Whether or not he chooses to will be up to him.

11. Gender Dysphoria is the medical diagnosis given to trans people who want to do any form of medical transitioning. Being transgender is not in and of itself a diagnosis. A person can be transgender and choose never to transition medically. Dysphoria is generally most clearly understood as a form of discomfort in the body you possess. Sometimes a person experiencing dysphoria is uncomfortable with their body no matter what. He doesn't like his breasts, for example, unless they are bound, no matter what his setting is, who is looking at him, etc. His dysphoria takes the form of nausea at the mere sight of them. Alternatively, some people only experience dysphoria relating to how others see them. For example, a man may not mind his breasts when he's alone, and he doesn't usually bind, but on a specific day while he wasn't binding someone glance at his breasts before calling him 'ma'am' and now he can't uncross his arms in case someone else looks his way. For some people dysphoria comes and goes, and they have good days and bad days. Also, images can be dysphoria-inducing. For example, seeing a pregnant person might remind a man that he has a uterus, and make him extremely uncomfortable all day. Other people may go several days, or weeks or months, without experiencing dysphoria, but when it hits it affects them for a long time or very severely. Or a person might experience dysphoria every day, as kind of a low-level mental fog they can't shake.

12. Gender Euphoria is as valid as Gender Dysphoria. Gender Euphoria is the idea that a person might be content in the body given to them, but will never be truly happy unless they make a change. These people can live their whole lives as the gender assigned to them at birth without severe mental issues or physical problems, but it's like living a life without color. They can do it, but if there's a way to get color back, why wouldn't they?

13. Changing names is complicated and takes time. It also differs in every state/country, and may need to be re-done when a trans man moves. In some states, all they need to change their name legally is a court order. In other areas, a trans man needs to have lived using their new name for a period of time, or have doctor’s notes and authorizations. Once the character has changed their name legally through the courts, they need to change their driver's license, banking information, insurance, work papers, social security information, passport, birth certificate, and any other documentation bearing their name. It can take anywhere from a month to a year or more, and is expensive, sometimes prohibitively so. It's okay to have a trans male character who goes by “Mark” but whose parents or grandparents refer to as “Melissa.” The important thing is to make sure narratively you are confirming that those people are wrong.

EX: “Melissa! It's nice to see you come to visit!” Mark's mom said. Mark cringed, hating the sound of his deadname, but he hadn't yet been able to convince his mother to use the right one.

14. Do not portray a character binding for more than eight hours or with unsafe binders in a positive light. Just don’t. Binding, even with professional/high-end binders, is not safe. It's a stopgap - safer than not binding at all for some people whose dysphoria is really bad. It constricts the lungs and can break ribs if not done properly. It can permanently alter a person's chest cage if done for an extensive period of time. It's a necessary evil for people who are waiting to get their surgery done, in order to keep them alive to have that surgery. It's not a permanent cure-all. Binding also can cause dysphoria. A person who doesn't have dysphoria surrounding his chest can develop it after wearing a binder. So, have your character bind safely, or discuss the issues surrounding unsafe binding. (And yes, this applies even in a fantasy setting or world where the technology may be different. A story is a story, but the impact it could have on a real trans man is potentially dangerous, so write with consideration, and if you do introduce a magical or technological solution to this, maintain awareness of the reality.)

15. Transitioning without an in-person support group is one of the most common factors in transitioning regret. Give your character someone to go to the doctor with them, someone to hold their hand when they get scared, someone to talk them through moments when they're unsure. No one who goes under the knife is always completely 100% sure all the time. They need a community. Surgery and hormones are scary, even if a trans man knows he wants them, and trying to go it alone can spell disaster.

16. Given that a trans man will consider himself a man, it can be challenging to make it clear to a reader that he’s trans. If he's the main/POV character, you can write him dealing with some dysphoria. For example, if you decide your character binds, mention that his breasts are bothering him particularly badly one day. Have him adjust his binder. Describe putting a binder on. That kind of thing. If he's a minor character, it can be more challenging, but you can still have him do things like adjust a binder. You could also mention surgical scars, if a character takes off their shirt. Another thing you can do is just have the main character remember a time “before Mark went by Mark” (for example). Another way is to have the character mention some way in which they are fighting for trans rights, and acknowledge that the issue is personal to them. Try not to use the deadname unless he’s facing an actual microaggression by another character. The narrative or narrator character should never deadname the character.

17. FTM is not an accepted term anymore, as it implies that a person was one thing and changed. Generally speaking, if a trans man is not genderfluid, then he was never female or a woman. Likewise, the phrase “born in the wrong body” is not acceptable for use by cis people. The only real use it has is to explain dysphoria by transgender characters to cisgender characters who aren't inclined to listen or try to understand. The accepted term is AFAB, or Assigned Female At Birth. Keep in mind that terms and labels change with time, so do your research. For example, if you’re writing a historical piece, different terms may be more appropriate, and if you’re writing a modern current-day piece, understand that in ten or twenty years the terminology you use will likely have grown outdated.

18. The proper way to write the term is always “trans man” and never “transman”. Trans is an adjective describing a type of man, just like you might say an Asian man or a muscled man or a gay man. This comes back to the idea that a trans man is always a man, first and foremost.

19. An easy pitfall to avoid if your trans male character's setting is modern or modernesque is: Don't make the story all about their oppression. We are aware of the many ways in which the modern world is trying to oppress and harm the trans community, but trans men can still be happy and interesting people. They can have dysphoria without being depressed. They aren’t necessarily the “down in the dumps” character. Also, trans men have a long history of being activists, and are often erased in history, so don't be afraid to make your trans men an out-and-loud activist. Yes, terrible things have happened and continue to happen to trans men, and any trans man who has done any research into trans history will know about individuals like Brandon Teena. Trans men know the dangers they face. Knowing that bad things can and are happening doesn't mean a trans man can't find his own joy in life, despite things not being perfect.

20. Keep in mind when writing in historical settings that trans men have existed for as long as people have existed. Many trans men were able to go through life completely “undetected” until they died and those around them conducted culturally-common burial practices. It’s not unreasonable to have a trans man in Regency England, Yuan China, or Roman times. If you're writing about non-European-centric history, many cultures acknowledged those who didn’t present the way their AGAB (assigned gender at birth) would suggest, and do your research. Also, keep intersectionality in mind, and tread especially carefully when writing a trans man from a culture and period other than your own. This post is mostly applicable to trans men in the modern era, and especially in the United States. The trans male experience will be different in other places in the world, for people of different ages and of different religions and ethnicities and races, so the more traits your trans man has that are outside your own experience as a cis writer, the more you should consider if it’s wise for you write the story you have in mind, or if it might not be better to allow in-group members to tell those stories. And never forget - trans men can and are all things - all races, all religions, abled and disabled, etc. People have nuanced identities and multiple identifiers and trans is always only one of many.

21. In fantastical or science fiction settings, please always ask yourself if oppression of trans people or bigotry against them is even needed. Maybe a society doesn't assign gender at birth, but waits until a child is old enough to tell the society where they belong. Maybe a society reveres those who are under the transgender umbrella. Maybe children are considered genderless until they reach puberty. You have a million and one options; why limit yourself to what modern predominantly Western white Christian society says? If you do make a society that doesn't look anything like the modern world, for example they assign gender at age five, think about how that would affect society as a whole. What kind of pronouns would be used for children under five? Are young children genderless, or are they seen as genderfluid? What about people who age past five and are still genderless or genderfluid? What are the naming conventions for children?

22. There are mixed feelings regarding how a science fiction or fantasy setting should treat transitioning. Should it be an easy fix, with magic or advance science doing it instantly or nearly so? Or should it be difficult, reflecting the modern situation where the process often years before a person can feel “finished?” That's up to you. Trans people themselves are split on this, so there’s no pleasing everyone. Do your best, and whichever way you choose, make sure to tag it accurately or, for original fiction, be clear up front what approaches you’ve chosen, so people can choose not to read something that may make them uncomfortable at best or trigger them and profoundly harm them at worst.

Ultimately, your trans man is your character and you can do with him as you wish. Write responsibly, and do your research, and if you can, get a sensitivity reader or a beta who is a trans man.

So, go, diversify those stories, write the things, and present good representation! Happy writing!

#duck prints press #original content #writing advice #guest blogger #trans characters #trans men

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hollyhomburg · 3 years

Text

Before I Leave You (Part 15)

(SNEAK PEAK) (Omegaverse au, Mafia au, Bts x Reader)

Summary: it's kind of funny how Kim Taehyung's life as a man sets the stage for the real story; the story of Her- Tae the woman, Tae the lovely alpha girl who loves makeup and loves romance books and maybe loves a certian cute omega who loves baking and matching pyjama sets.

Tags: Trans! Tae content, mentions of dysphoria and depictions of unintended outings of trans people, over-romanticizing queer things, talks of post-traumatic episodes, dissociation, bad days, referenced anorexia, bad-eating habits, shame, self-esteem issues, hurt/comfort, Fluff

W/c: 10.0k

A/n: I decided to split this chapter into two parts because I want to explore the exposition more! the next one will have the title ‘babygirl pink” this part gets a little back into the pacing of the story that the first few chapters had. celadon is actually a glaze traditionally used in Korean and Japanese pottery!

Previous Part — Masterlist

PART 15: The many Shades of Kim Taehyung; Celadon Green

It’s not like things haven’t changed; there are many new insights you’ve had into how the pack operates in the last 3 weeks. There are so many things to learn through cohabitation. Like the fact that Jimin likes to sleep in on the days that he doesn’t work. And is amenable to moving his sleeping from the nest room and out into the living room if no one is home, just so he can listen to you and Yoongi move around the house.

Jimin doesn't sleep well alone, partially because he’s never had to. A preference reminiscent of a childhood spent sneaking into Taehyung’s ground-floor bedroom for secret sleepovers. Even if his sleep is punctuated by several banging hammers he'll still sleep more soundly if he can at least hear someone. His alpha brain soothed by the knowledge that his pack isn't very far away- that if something were to happen and threaten them- he’d be near enough to stop them.

Sometimes when you pass by him on the couch he lets out these little happy alpha growls. Little huffs of air that slip past his lips like a half-formed grumble, his sweetening scent beckoning you in. Like his subconscious is aware that you're near, nose twitching cutely in his sleep.

Other insights too; like the fact that Jungkook genuinely loves to do their laundry; will steal bags out of your room and do yours if you’re not careful. The others call him their little house bunny- but it's not a dig at the fact that he falls into the classic trope of omegas being homemakers but fond teasing. You think Jungkook might like to be teased more than he lets on.

He likes his stolen moments in the downstairs area of your house when he gets to bury his nose in their clothes and make sure that the same scents stay in the same piles. Not that mixing isn’t nice and that the pack doesn’t generally smell like each other. But Jungkook likes things to be in their place; maybe it’s just a different expression of the nesting instinct.

There are others; like how Namjoon likes being outside and wakes up early to get some alone time- he doesn't linger in the nest to cuddle with the others all that often. When you wake up on the weekends you find him out on the front deck sitting on the padded sofa with his feet brought up, more vulnerable looking than you usually see the alpha. Reading a book or scrolling through his phone, looking completely at ease.

He’s so still that the birds don’t mind coming to the feeders near his head. Namjoon hums and the birds flutter away in a flurry of tweets and indignant chirps, startled by the alpha. You watch him watch the birds, moving his eyes and not his head. the same way he’ll look at you, standing in the open doorway, half hiding behind the doorframe. when he spots you he never fails to put his book away. Beckoning you to come to sit next to him, looking not the slightest bit put out that you’ve Interrupted his alone time.

“They make hummingbird feeders you know.” you comment, he hums, his voice low pitched and sleep rough. Namjoon’s first words of the day are always saved for you.

“I’ll order some.” you’re never still enough for the birds the way that Namjoon is, something in you too jumpy and twitchy. sometimes Namjoon holds your hands, trembling over your coffee cup- the shakiness you can never quite sleep away. that makes you spill your coffee so easily; he makes a soft shhh noise, and with him holding your hand, you find you can be still enough to put the birds at ease.

Hobi likes french vanilla coffee but occasionally reaches for tea. A new habit judging by the collection of different kinds that fill your pantry. The only one that ever gets used and replaced is the hibiscus tea- so that must be his favorite.

Jin’s got a sweet tooth- which doesn't surprise you given how much he likes your baked goods. But he has a particular soft spot for gummies- you see fruit snack wrappers in the bottom of his work bag or the trashcan, and you know he tries to hide it from Jungkook- not wanting the youngest pup to feel left out of the sweets he can’t partake in.

Or how Tae leaves their room after everyone's gone to sleep, more nights than he doesn’t, closing the door quietly but not quite enough for your oversensitive ears.

But you don’t think you’re supposed to have noticed that.

Coming Saturday, September 25th @ 5pm EST (time zone adjustments below)

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theirmajesty2139 · 3 years

Text

The four lords raising trans rose 🏳️‍⚧️

Because I need my self insert trans boy character to be loved

Lady Dimitrescu

"You’re sure you’re a manthing? Ah well I wouldn’t usually tolerate a man in my castle but in this case I am happy to make an exception."

Is just as loving as ever with her teen nephew and dotes upon him with lavish gifts. She has read plenty of mythology and is familiar with what it means to be trans. She will offer him these books to read so he feels less alone. Will help him workshop a name he feels comfortable with although her suggestions are often traditional Romanian names. Eventually rose settles for a similar name to his at birth spelled rose but pronounced 'Roux'. Alcina is delighted that she won’t have to have his initials picked out of his clothes and restitched. Wants to pay for absolutely everything so that her precious nephew doesn’t have to worry about a thing.

Heisenberg

"Aw nice kid! Always saw you as a brave lad anyway, we gotta celebrate, I’ll get the scotch and cigars..... I’m proud of ya."

Adjusts to the new pronouns in a heartbeat almost as if he knew all along. Is absolutely stoked to finally have a nephew to hang out with, the girls never care about his mechanics or put up with his lewd jokes. Has always secretly seen Rose as his kid and is such a proud second dad. Will forget roses age and immediately wants to celebrate like men with whiskey and drunken shenanigans will ensue. Is convinced that after all his time engineering soldats that he can manage top surgery as long as it’ll help his favourite kid, after all Rose has regenerative powers.... when Ethan finds out about this idea all hell breaks loose and several threats are made. He’s not the most responsible uncle but his heart is in the right place.

Donna

"Oh sweet boy! I am so sorry that I’ve been addressing you incorrectly all these years. I’ve only made girl dolls in your likeness I will fix them immediately."

The whole concept of gender has to be explained to her several times before it clicks but after that she’s very supportive. Immediately orders books to research how her nephew feels. When she discovers the existence of dysphoria she loses her mind. Offers a modified version of her pollen that she worked on for days without rest to temporarily make roses body appear the way he would like, this helps. She sews him a whole new wardrobe so he never has to wear a dress again. He soon has a dapper suit and tie, winter jackets, shirts, slacks and boots which are tailored to make him feel handsome. For his birthday she gives him a new doll to replace the old, this time a boy with soft hair in a sailor suit. He is too old for dolls but the gift still makes him very happy.

Moreau

"Oh I know! When your body doesn’t look right or feel how it should, I get it sometimes too..... Wait, you’re allowed to change?"

Is absolutely astonished and soon begins this journey side by side with his nephew. Finding out after a little research on his tv that he is a proud he/they enby. Thinks his nephew is so incredible for figuring it out on his own. Sal is sensitive to other people’s moods and knows the right thing to say when his family members are sad. He is great at distracting rose from his problems and will take him frog hunting in the reservoir. He isn’t well versed in many subjects but he knows a lot about nature. He sits rose down and explains the story of the caterpillar which transforms into a butterfly. Not everyone is born as the person they are meant to be and that’s okay. These things take time.

The duke has been referring to Rose as "the little guy" since he was in diapers despite constant reminders that 'she’s a girl'. He would just smile with that knowing look and respond 'if you say so.'

Miranda............. calls him a slur.

#resident evil village #re8 village #lady dimitrescu #alcina dimitrescu #house dimitrescu #karl heisenberg #lord heisenberg #house heisenberg #lady beneviento #donna beneviento #house beneviento #lord moreau #salvatore moreau #house moreau #re8 #headcannons

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fnf-amateur-writing · 3 years

Note

Hey, I don’t know if I’m your first anon, but boy howdy, I am one! xp

Do you think you could do the main trio (BF, GF, and Pico) with a ftm S/O who has some severe gender dysphoria and unhealthy behavior because of it? (like, binds their chest way too tightly, uses ace bandages, etc)

If it’s too dark/ not something you’re comfortable with, maybe some reader celebrating spooky month with Skid and Pump instead?

thanks, from 🦊 (fox)

Guess what? You are my first Anon! Congrats Fox!

I decided to do a poly relationship with a oneshot, so I hope that's okay with you.

TW: Dysphoria, unhealthy behaviour, some angst, swearing, and use of the “q-word” (It’s not used negatively).

BF, GF, and Pico (poly) x ftm S/O who harms himself out of dysphoria

You came out as a trans man to your partners, Boyfriend, Girlfriend, and Pico, almost as soon as you realised it. They were already queer when it came to their attractions, giving you the hope they would have no issue with you being trans. Thankfully, they accepted you right then and there, immediately asking you about new names, Girlfriend joking about calling everyone her reverse harem, and trying out your he/him pronouns. All of it was so validating and euphoric, but that eventually faded as you now focused on your transitioning.

Days of wearing dysphoria hoodies later, you got your first chest binder. It was from a reliable source that has a good reputation from the other trans men online. It was a struggle to put on, but you got it eventually. And as you looked into the mirror for the first time, you could hardly describe the bliss of how flat your chest looked now.

But even in that moment, as you pressed on your bounded chest, you thought 'it could look flatter.'

You lived in a sort of cursed happiness for the next two weeks. You had some extended stays in the bathroom, adjusting your breasts to make it look flatter, but there were still those moments where there was just a bit too much chest sticking out. You just couldn't rely on your partners or a single binder to boost your confidence anymore at that point.

You grabbed some duct tape and ace bandages from around the house and began experimenting with them, wrapping up your chest until it looked good enough to combine with the binder. Before you look a look in the mirror, you could already tell that it worked. Like, really worked. And if it wasn't for the fact that it hurt like hell, you would be jumping up and down from excitement. 'I'll get used to it,' you foolishly thought.

~~~~~

"Hey (Y/N)! Get your mic, Girlfriend's got the speakers up already!"

Hearing Pico calling out to you snapped you out of your internet browsing on your phone, also causing some accidental chest pain. But you sucked it up like you have been for some months and got ready. You never got used to the tight binding, but the appearance made it worth the hassle.

"There's my little reverse harem!" Girlfriend squealed as you, Boyfriend, and Pico all walked outside together. Boyfriend rushed up closer to the speakers claiming one side as his own while singing a little gibberish tune. Boyfriend always wants to be one of the first to go.

What's going on? Well, you and your partners have this tradition to all have a series of rap battles together every Friday. Each song, you would all take turns swapping around until everyone got to challenge everyone. Sometimes you would team up in pairs for the songs. Those who weren't singing during a song would have the honour of bopping their heads on Girlfriend's iconic speakers.

But these nights weren't as funky for you anymore with your bindings. You were hardly able to keep your breath while singing, and the somewhat dramatic poses rappers often do while singing was painful. Your chest hurts, and then your back, and then those shoulders feel they need a break too. But you did have a sort of strategy: rap against all three during the first three songs and sit on the speakers the rest of the time unless they decided to do a co-op match that week.

After a song with Boyfriend and Girlfriend, it was Pico's turn. He walked up to his spot, twirling his Uzi for the sake of show. "I won't go that hard on you, dear, since I haven't quite warmed my cords up yet." That was a bit odd for Pico to say. He never really cared much for warm ups like more dedicated singers. But hey, can't argue with an easier match to end it off.

~~~~~

You and Pico sat down on the speakers afterwards, waiting for Girlfriend and Boyfriend to give the okay to start the music. "Looked out of breath the whole time," Pico said, "you sure that binder is doing you any good?" "Oh, don't worry! I looked into binding a ton," you lied to him. "And I'll be taking it off after this anyways," you say, sprinkling in another lie to ward off suspision. It seems as though Pico has been on to you a bit, but you always manage to talk away his concerns. But who knows how long it'll stay that way for.

~~~~~

While you were getting your bindings ready in the morning, the others were already at the table eating cereal, being too lazy to actually make anything for today. "Hey guys," Girlfriend says. "Ske-bap?" "Hm?"

"I hope this isn't rude or anything, but do you think (Y/N) actually knows what he's doing when he's binding?"

"I mean," Pico starts, while Boyfriend remains silent, "he does seem more sluggish, but he keeps saying he's fine. I'm not even sure if it's even the binder."

"I think the binder might work a bit too well," she says. "This is going to sound weird, but sometimes I kind of just squish by boobs with my hands to get them to look more flat, yet I don't find it possible to get them too flat without breaking a rib. So how would (Y/N) manage it?"

"Well, I'll force (Y/N) to see a doctor then. But being how persistent he is in keeping that thing on, I wouldn't want to stress him too much."

While Pico and Girlfriend reached an agreement on what to do, Boyfriend pulled out his phone. Boyfriend may be cis, but his gut told him he needed to do some research on this binding thing you were doing.

~~~~~

"You scheduled an appointment without me knowing? How did you even manage that?" You found out that Pico had set up an appointment with a doctor for a couple days away. He says it's because of how weak you seemed to be, which you found both considerate and annoying. "Everyone in the city knows not to mess with the weird ginger kid with a gun, and that receptionist was no exception." "Couldn't I have at least scheduled it myself, though?" "Too late."

"Guys, aren't we going to watch Jazz Club?" Girlfriend awkwardly interrupted. The conversation was getting tense, so you two let it go. "Oh, and does anyone know where Boyfriend went--"

"BEEP!"

Boyfriend ran in the room in a panic, and it looked as though he was about to cry too. "What the hell is up with you?" Pico asked. Boyfriend threw his unlocked phone over to Pico and ran up to you, desperately tugging on your shirt. "TAKE IT OFF!" he finally managed to say after a series of distressed gibberish. "Hey, stop!" you yell as you try to keep him from pulling your shirt off, "you know I hate it when my chest looks big!"

While Girlfriend watched the scene unfold, unknowing of what to say or do, Pico read the article Boyfriend had on his phone. Every line scaring him more. "(Y/N), I'm so sorry." "WHAT?!" Pico went over and helped Boyfriend nearly rip the shirt off you. "Stay still, we're trying to help!" Pico yelled ready to lift the binder up. "I don't need help! I need my shirt back on!"

"Bullshit!" The two were trying to get your binder off now, when they saw something underneath.

"What's that he has under there?"

"Boop?"

"Is that tape?" Pico asked, though he knew damn well that it was.

Crap, you weren't getting out of this. "Yeah?" you answered nervously. Maybe they wouldn't be too worried?

"No wonder you've been so odd recently!" Pico yelled, almost shoving Boyfriends phone in your face. "All of this crap you felt was because you were just too damn desperate!" Pico was scaring you, making you tear up. "But this means so much to me!" "And so does top surgery, and look!" Pico pointed to a sentence in the article. "No safe binding means to top surgery!" "Okay! I'll take it all off!" You shouted, running to your room in tears.

"I uh..." Pico handed Boyfriend his phone back, feeling some regret for how that all went. "I didn't scare him too much, did I?" There was no answer from the two, just silence. After a minute, Girlfriend spoke out. "Let me talk to him for a bit."

~~~~~

You were back in that oversized dysphoria hoodie and in tears when a knock came to your door. "(Y/N), can I come in?" It was Girlfriend, which was a bi of a relief. Pico had scared you, and you was worried it may have been him. "Yes," you said in your now raspy voice. She came in and slowly sat next to you on your bed, patting your back. "Sweety, I know Pico was harsh, but he's right." "But I still liked--" "I know you do, but you know you'll regret it forever if you miss out on the top surgery you want. And knowing Pico, he could even rob a bank to make things go faster for you."

"But I would still have to deal with the size of my chest until then," you stated. "Listen, the only one so worried about your chest is you. We don't see you as any less of a man even without a flat chest, and the people who would judge you are probably some dead-beat transphobes anyways."

Her words didn't exactly make you feel better about your appearance, but you couldn't argue with her; she was right. Your door then opened again, this time by Boyfriend. As soon as he felt it was okay, he pounced on you and hugged you tightly. Your chest was still sore, so you had to gently push him away. Pico poked his head in. "May I?" "It's okay, Pico."

"I'm sorry I snapped at you earlier. Just don't do that again." He went up and slowly held one of your hands, which you didn't object to. "Can I still just wear the regular binder though?" you asked. Pico nodded, "sure, but not until we see a doctor, okay?"

"Sure..."

"That's nice to hear." He moved in to give you a peck on the cheek, which led to the others dong the same.

"We love you, (Y/N)."

#fnf x reader #fnf bf #fnf girlfriend #fnf pico #fnf imagines #boyfriend x reader #girlfriend x reader #pico x reader

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blitzturtles · 3 years

Text

Title: Get What You Need (Ao3)

Rating: Teen and Up

Fandom: JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Vento Aureo

Pairing(s): GioMis or Giorno & Mista (Platonic or Pre-Relationship)

Summary: “All of them,” Giorno breathes the words in a near rush of panic. His stomach turns at merely hearing the list. His resolve crumbles in an instant, and it’s only worsened when he makes the mistake of looking down at his hands, clasped together in his lap. He picks idly at the cuticle of one thumb with the nail of the other in a desperate attempt to keep himself calm. The more worked up he gets, the worse the cramps are, and they’re already rolling through him too often to be ignored.

Notes: Trigger Warnings: Dysphoria; Gio experiences quite a bit of it, and it's not very nice.

Guess who had a period from hell.

Trigger Warnings: Gender dysphoria! Giorno struggles with it quite a bit throughout the fic.

1. Bucci's also trans, 2. Polnareff is alive (so is everyone else for that matter.), and 3. Bruno being trans is not a secret/Mista isn't actually outing him here.

“I would like to rearrange a few meetings,” Giorno says, choosing his words carefully, so he can gauge Polnareff’s reaction.

Without missing a beat, Polnareff answers, “Of course. Which were you interested in moving? There’s the two after lunch, the one with Dura at three, and Abba-”

“All of them,” Giorno breathes the words in a near rush of panic. His stomach turns at merely hearing the list. His resolve crumbles in an instant, and it’s only worsened when he makes the mistake of looking down at his hands, clasped together in his lap. He picks idly at the cuticle of one thumb with the nail of the other in a desperate attempt to keep himself calm. The more worked up he gets, the worse the cramps are, and they’re already rolling through him too often to be ignored.

Polnareff looks momentarily surprised, but he schools his expression quickly and reaches underneath his chair to where he keeps a notebook safely tucked away. He pulls his pen from the spiral binding and looks to Giorno with sheer determination.

“Any-- preferences? On when I reschedule these to?”

“Two or three days from now at the earliest,” Giorno knows it’s risky. A bad idea at best and a great way to destroy several very fragile relationships at worst, but he’s reaching a breaking point. His eyes are already burning, and he can’t ignore the hopeless feeling gripping him any more than he can ignore the way blood continues to fill the pad he’s wearing. He’s too hyper-aware of both, and there’s nothing worse than showing weakness in front of a pack of dogs, most of whom were raised by the streets in some form or fashion. With the exception, of course, of the nepotistic sort, though Giorno doesn’t generally think much of them. They’re certainly not the threat that the others can be when left unchecked.

Polnareff, to his credit, only nods and makes a note of the request. He pauses a moment, clearly chewing something over in his mind, and it’s likely only their close relationship that allows him to ask, “Are you alright?”

“I’ll be fine,” which is a non-answer, but it’s the best Polnareff is getting from him when he feels like this: weak, vulnerable. Disgusting. Wrong. If he could tear the skin off his body, he would.

Polnareff nods again. There’s a lingering look in his good eye that Giorno thinks might be concern. Possibly displeasure at being blatantly left in the dark when it’s Polnareff’s job to be as informed as possible, though the man says nothing of it and simply wishes Giorno well before departing from the office altogether. He uses Chariot to open the door for him and wheels away without any actual protest.

It’s all Giorno can do to hold his breath until the moment the door clicks shut, and he deflates immediately over the edge of his desk. He slumps forward on the wood and tries hard to bite back the quiet, senseless sobs that bubble up in his chest. It’s ridiculous. The whole thing is ridiculous. He should be able to handle this, even if it has been awhile. He can’t fall apart the moment his period decides to rear its ugly head as one of the worst reminders of what he isn’t. What he fails to be. Yet here he is, crying over his desk like a child, though his sobs are silent. Even now, years later, he hasn’t shaken that habit.

______

Mista startles out of his light doze thanks to a text. He flails about uselessly, arms smacking into the side door of the car before he remembers where he is (and who he’s with, if the short-tempered, “Watch it!”, is anything to go by). It takes him another moment to figure out where he left his phone, and it’s only because of Five that he finds it at all.

“Thanks, buddy,” he says as he pulls the screen up for the last message he received. He blinks in surprise at the body of the first text.

Meetings are canceled.

Under any other circumstance, Mista would be hooping and hollering in delight. Meetings being canceled means that Mista doesn’t have to stand around pointlessly for hours while some morons try to talk circles around Giorno of all people, but there’s a gnawing worry that grows in his gut. Giorno doesn’t cancel meetings unless he’s physically unable to be there. Usually when a mission has carried over and kept them from home for too long. The next text does little to quail his anxiety.

You should check in on him anyway.

Mista doesn’t need to be told who ‘him’ is, and he doesn’t need to be told twice. He’s already planning on it once they get back to the mansion.

______

Giorno extracts himself from his desk after a few more minutes of self-pity. There’s only so much of it he can stand at any given time. More importantly, he doesn’t want anyone to happen by before he has a chance to compose himself, which is exactly what he does. He pulls a small mirror from his desk and grimaces at the red, puffy eyes that look back at him.

He’s part way through fixing his hair when another cramp hits. Sharp and agonizing with the way it pierces through his middle and spreads outwards, toward his hips. He doubles over with his arms hugging around his middle. It’s instinct more than anything. God knows it doesn’t help alleviate the pain any.

It takes him a solid sixty seconds before he can work up the courage to unravel. He half expects the next wave to roll through him the moment he does, but there’s a blessed lack of follow up. For the time being. He doesn’t expect that to last. It never does.

His chest aches with the effort that it takes to keep his breathing even. The binder isn’t helping, but he’s not about to try to wiggle out of it in his office. His only option is to get himself up and back to his bedroom, but that sounds like a momentous task on it’s own. Somehow he has to get there without being brought to his knees by cramps or hit with another wave of despair or-- well, being perceived at all. One look at his face will give him away. Maybe they won’t know why, but they’ll know that something is wrong, and that’s bad enough.

He finally manages to get his hair to a presentable level again when someone knocks on the door to his office, and his heart drops down to his stomach. He glances back at the mirror one more time before shoving it in his desk. His eyes are definitely still puffy, though some of the redness has dissipated.

“Giorno?” Mista asks, poking the door open slightly when Giorno doesn’t immediately respond. It’s only then that Giorno realizes that his voice is caught in his throat, and he gets a second, far more concerned call of his name for his hesitance.

“I’m fine,” he says quickly. Too quickly. Mista might not read people as well as Bucciarati, but he’s still acutely aware of certain details (the ones that matter! Mista’s voice echoes in his head.)

“Uh,” Mista starts, a little lamely, but he quickly shakes off any reserves he has about being direct if his next words are anything to go by, “No offense, but you look like shit, so I’m pretty sure you’re not. Actually.”

Giorno falters slightly. He should have texted Mista after Polnareff left. Should have explained the situation in the vaguest possible terms. And definitely should have come up with an excuse. But he had done none of those things, and now he’s stuck with the repercussions of his own actions. Or inactions.

“It’s not important,” he tries. Pathetic as it is.

“You canceled all your meetings for today,” and Giorno supposes he set himself up for that. He hasn’t come up with an excuse yet, especially not one that adequately explains away his behavior.

Silence stretches between them. Giorno for lack of an answer, and Mista because he seems to expect Giorno to cave. To the Don’s great horror, he does just that.

“It really isn’t that big of a deal. I’m just--” only, before he can finish speaking, another cramp grabs hold and twists mercilessly until he’s gasping and leaning forward with both hands clenching at the edge of his desk. He closes his eyes, as if to shut out the pain, or possibly the reality of the situation as it registers in the back of his mind.

“Giorno!” Mista calls, loud and panicked. He lunges forward to close the gap between them, though he hesitates once he’s within touching distance. “Giorno?”

“I’m fine, just-- cramps,” Giorno confesses, grinding his teeth together as the next one rips through him. Equally as painful as the last and as impossible to ignore. He feels his cheeks burn the way his eyes are once again, and all he wants is to crawl under his desk and hide away from the world. It’s not often that he wishes he could be nobody again, but now is certainly one of those times.

“Cramps?” Mista asks with confusion evident in his voice, but then his eyes go wide. He scans Giorno over, as if that might give him the affirmative he needs. “Like Bucci’s?”

Giorno doesn’t actually know what that means, but he nods anyway. Close enough, and it means he doesn’t have to explain anything else.

“Okay, okay, shit--!” Mista sounds a bit more panicked now. More like how Giorno feels being flayed open like this in front of one of the people he actually cares about. Whose opinion actually means something to him. “God, he hasn’t had them in so long. Fuck, uh? Heat. Oh, and we should probably get you into something more comfortable. Have you taken anything?”

What?

Giorno’s mind skips and stutters into a complete stall. He’s not sure what Bucciarati has to do with anything, but he’s suddenly sure that the answer is more closely linked than he had originally thought.

“Gio?”

“Yes,” Giorno grinds out, because he did, though he’s nearing the end of the four hour period before he can take the next dose, and he’s tempted to swallow as much as he can fit into his fist. The damage is something he can deal with later. With his Stand, but he knows it won’t help. The efficacy of such medication is limited, but it hurts. It hurts, and he’s just outed himself to one of his closest friends with no warning. No preparation. Anxiety works its way up his throat, and he thinks, for a moment, that he might be sick.

“C’mon, let’s get you out of here,” Mista says, bringing Giorno back out of his thoughts and back into reality. He tugs gently at Giorno’s upper arm.

Giorno lets himself be pulled up to his feet with a sort of numbness spreading through him. For all the panic that’s coursing through his veins, there is one, lucid thought: Mista isn’t upset. He’s taken the news and simply rolled with it like it means nothing. Like it doesn’t change anything, and Giorno doesn’t know how to handle that, so he just lets himself be pulled along. Out from behind his desk and toward the office entrance.

From there it’s a long, impossible trek to Giorno’s bedroom. One that requires breaks for the cramps that won’t let him off so easily. For a moment, he wishes it were a bullet tearing apart his insides. That, at least, he could do something about, but cramps are something else entirely. Using GE won’t get him anywhere. In fact, he’s pretty sure it’s made it worse in the past, when he’s tried out of pure desperation.

“I’m going to go grab a heating pad,” Mista starts once they reach Giorno’s bedroom, “You should get changed into something less-- tight. Got any stretchy pants?”

“My pajamas,” Giorno answers, more because it seems expected of him than because he’s actually paying attention.

“Perfect! I’ll be back in a minute.”

Giorno’s left standing there, a bit lost for what to do with himself, but the next shock of pain comes and fresh tears burn at the corners of his eyes, reminding him of the fact that he really doesn’t want to be in the middle of the hall, visibly crying for all to see. There’s a logical part of him that knows he wouldn’t be judged for it, but there’s a much louder part that reminds him that crying has never gotten him anywhere in life other than alone and miserable.

He turns the knob on his door and pushes it open after the agony subsides enough to allow him to move again. The first thing he does upon entering his room is seek out the pill bottle from earlier. A few minutes won’t make a difference, and he’s rapidly approaching the end of his rope. He can’t handle the pain on top of everything else.

Changing is a whole other problem. One that he hadn’t thought of as a problem until he’s standing there with his sleep clothes in hand and staring down at himself, realizing he’ll have to undress in order to redress (and is it really worth the effort? Worth seeing himself and his hips and his chest and--).

He peels out of his suit despite himself. He doesn’t want Mista to come back and push the subject. Then there’s the risk that Mista might not leave, which means Giorno will have to deal with an audience on top of having to suffer through his own self-hatred.

The binder stays on. Regardless of how uncomfortable and hot and painful he already is. He can’t handle the idea of taking it off right now, so he suffers for the little bit of mental peace that it brings him. The flattened chest makes up for the curve of his hips, though he finds himself flattening his hands over his waist anyway. Unable to stop himself from picking at every flaw when he’s already hormonal and all around having one of the worst days he’s had in awhile.

The knock at his door startles him into action, and he finishes getting dressed with a quick, “Hold on!”

A moment later has him opening the door to Mista’s grinning face.

“Found it,” Mista says as he holds up the box with a product image on it. Giorno doesn’t get a chance to observe more than the fact that it’s maroon before Mista drops it back down to his side and nods toward Giorno’s room.

Giorno steps out of the way to allow his (technically uninvited) guest in. Mista’s rambling on about something. Giorno isn’t sure what, though he catches ‘Bucciarati’ and ‘Trish’ in there somewhere, and there’s something about Abbacchio being unhelpful and half a dozen other things that fall on deaf ears.

“Oh, and you got changed, good,” Mista finishes with another one of his goofy smiles. The corners of his eyes pull oddly, giving away something else that he’s trying to hide under all the babbling and warmth. Worry persists, despite knowing the truth. Giorno can’t understand why. Cramps aren’t that big of a deal; even if he’s made them out to be in his own head.

“Yeah, it’s helping a little, thanks,” Giorno says when Mista looks at him with some sort of expectation in his eyes. Giorno’s usually better at reading people than this, but he feels like he’s moving in water. Too slow and with too much drag. He can’t keep up with the world around him, and it’s all overwhelming pressure and not enough time. Time to process, time to breathe. He loops back around to the fact that he came out to someone on the Team no more than ten minutes ago, yet Mista is unflinching and unconcerned. He hasn’t brought it back up, since he learned about it, in fact. Hell, he’s acting like all of this is completely normal, despite Giorno being almost completely certain that Mista is cis.

“Earth to Giorno,” Mista calls, voice soft with that same worry now seeping into his tone.

“Sorry,” Giorno says quickly, “I was--”

“Off in lala land?”

“Something like that,” though he thinks that sounds substantially more pleasant than all the thoughts racing through his mind.

Mista watches him for a long, uncomfortable moment. It’s times like these where Giorno gets reminded of just how much Mista likes to play dumb, when he’s anything but. He might not have the book smarts that Fugo has, but Mista is brilliant in so many other ways. Ways that are working against Giorno right now.

“You know, if you want to talk about it…”

“I-” Giorno cuts off and groans. He quickly takes a seat on the edge of his bed and sticks his head down between his knees, folding himself in half in an attempt to apply enough pressure to alleviate some of the pain.

“Oh, shit, here,” Mista moves to find an outlet and digs out the heating pad from its box. He hooks it up quickly and hands it to Giorno. The fabric of its exterior is surprisingly soft in Giorno’s hands, and he’s quick to tuck it between his abdomen and his thighs.

“Thank you,” he breathes out after several seconds pass and heat finally starts to spread across the pad.

“No problem,” Mista says quietly. More subdued than he typically is. He moves to sit on the bed beside Giorno and places a hesitant hand on his back, where he rubs gentle circles until he can feel some of the tension ease out of his Don’s muscles.

It’s quiet for a long while. Giorno basks in the relief the pad and pain killers offer. It’s the first time in over an hour that he’s been able to simply breathe through the worst of the cramps each time they hit. Though his chest continues to ache, the change is nonetheless a welcomed one. The sensation of heat spreading across his abdomen is enough of a distraction to keep him out of his own head. For a short while, at least.

“Earlier, you said something about Bucciarati,” Giorno starts, nervous and unsure of how to broach the topic.

“Oh yeah, Bucci used to get cramps real bad, too,” Mista says without hesitation. Without any hint whatsoever that he finds what he’s said to be unusual.

“Is he--?”

“Oh, shit,” Mista’s hand stills on his back, and Giorno gnaws suddenly at his lip, afraid he’s somehow messed with something he shouldn’t have. “Uh, technically that’s probably not my place to say? But he’s not exactly hiding it, Gio. He’s got scars and everything.”

Scars? Oh.

Oh.

Giorno feels his face flush, this time out of a different sort of embarrassment. Sure, he had seen the scars before, but they were light. Old and well healed, probably through the help of Sticky Fingers, and it’s not as though Bucciarati isn’t covered in dozens of others. Most of them silver from age, but there all the same. It had never once occurred to Giorno that the two on his chest, which peek out just a bit underneath the classic lingerie that Bucciarati always wears, are anything purposeful.

“I didn’t realize,” Giorno admits after a moment, when that little fact is probably very obvious and unnecessarily verbalized, but he doesn’t know what else to say to fill the silence. His own head is much louder. Full of racing thoughts and flashes of memories.

“Maybe you should talk to him about it sometime?” Particularly in moments like these; Mista spares his emotions by keeping that part to himself, but Giorno’s thinking it all the same.

To imagine that he’s been doing all of this in silence since meeting Bucciarati and his Team. To think that he could be so dense as to dismiss the signs that he isn’t alone. He only wishes he had realized sooner, even if he isn’t sure what it would have changed. He’s not sure he could have broached the subject then. He’s not sure he could do it now. Mista only found out because of circumstance.

Still. There’s someone just like him, and they live under the same roof. “I should,” he agrees, because he really should, hang-ups aside.

“Hey, you wanna try laying out? ‘Cause, no offense, man, but that looks super uncomfortable.” Mista asks after a beat of silence. He’s never one to let it go on for too long, and he’s rarely deterred by any uncomfortableness that might be lingering.

Giorno nods his head after a moment and slowly sits up. He moves his hands to hold the heating pad against his abdomen and breathes a small sigh of relief when the pain doesn’t immediately crowd in on him again. He carefully stretches himself out across the bed, despite how painfully aware of Mista’s presence he is. It’s weird to be laying out, so physically vulnerable, and it makes him acutely aware of all the things he wishes he could forget. (Is the outline of his binder visible? What about the shape of his hips? Does lying down like this make it that much more obvious how slight Giorno is?)

Once he’s lying back fully, he lets go of the pad, allowing it to rest on top of him on its own. The next wave of pain is far more manageable than the last several have been, and he merely winces in response.

“Those must suck, huh?”

“You have no idea.”

“I really don’t,” Mista agrees, “Though Trish and Bucci make it out to be pretty shitty, so.”

“I think I prefer being stabbed.”

Mista winces at the thought, “For what it’s worth, I’d rather you weren’t.”

Giorno lets out a startled laugh, but he gets Mista’s point. He kind of wishes his bodyguard weren’t so prone to being shot with multiple bullets on a regular basis. Unfortunately for both of them, they can’t always get what they want.

The quiet that settles over them this time is much more peaceful. Giorno closes his eyes and relaxes into the mattress. It’s the best he’s felt all day. Physically, anyway. There’s plenty for him to work through otherwise, but he doesn’t want to think about that right now. Instead, he focuses on the lessening cramps until they’ve all but died off entirely. Exhaustion takes hold of him then. It’s still far too early in the day to sleep, but a nap is beginning to sound like a good idea.

Before he can think about drifting off fully, he cracks his eyes open to peek at Mista, “Thank you.”

Mista beams at him from where he’s gone and laid out next to Giorno, “Anytime, GioGio. Anytime.”

#giomis #misgio #giorno giovanna #guido mista #jjba #vento aureo #team bucci #jean pierre polnareff #bruno bucciarati #bruno buccellati #jjba part 5 #part 5 #golden wind #blitzwrites #blitz

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wielderofmysteries · 4 years

Text

Jace Beleren, Masculinity, and the Trans Experience

(This post is a Twitter thread I wrote in response to a Goblin Lore podcast episode called “Jace Beleren and Toxic Masculinity”.)

I feel I have a unique perspective on this topic as a trans man. Trans man Jace isn't my headcanon, but it's an interpretation I love. He's my favorite character of all time, and as a trans man, I feel like reading Jace's flaws as toxic masculinity isn't quite right.

There are several "pillars" of toxic masculinity that Jace doesn't have. He doesn't have the self-destructive emotional repression, worship of sex and violence, or desire to subjugate women and his peers that men who experience toxic masculinity have.

Even BEFORE Ixalan, Jace was an example of many positive masculine traits. He was curious and emotionally open. He wrongly believed he could make decisions for others, but he cared for people, wanted to protect them, and couldn't sit idly by when he knew people were in danger.

In Agents of Artifice, he financially provided for Kallist and Liliana, and in Magic Story invited the Gatewatch to live in his home. Jace wanted to heal Garruk, tried to stop his rampage and had a Hedron implanted in Garruk's shoulder to relieve the effects of the curse.

"I don't want to hurt you, Garruk."

"Lucky for me, I don't feel the same way."

"Garruk, this is not a fair fight. You've suffered enough. Please. Come with me."

[...]

Jace stood in thought. Garruk held him by the throat, could end his life in an eye blink, had already proven he was immune to Jace's illusions. Garruk laughed again. If Garruk was open to having friends, then Jace might have been a good one.

"You win," said Jace. "We will leave you alone. I will not seek you out. But please, if you change your mind, come find us on Ravnica. Something is still not right here. We can help you."

In "Revelation at the Eye" Jace tells Ugin that Zendikar isn't a puzzle to be solved, and that it didn't matter if killing the Eldrazi has consequences, there are real people on Zendikar fighting for their lives and he needs to help them.

"Zendikar isn't a puzzle to be solved," said Jace. "It's a place. It's somebody's home. And those people are out there, right now, fighting for their world and wondering if anybody's going to help them kill what's killing them."

He showed scenes of suffering, then—of families mourning the lost, of landscapes ravaged by Ulamog, of even the skies and seas teeming with the Eldrazi menace.

Ugin cocked his head. The hedron architecture of the chamber seemed to melt and flow, became a pattern of tessellating dragons mocking him from the walls.

"So certain," said Ugin, "and so young."

Ral Zarek tried to kill Jace and ruined his relationship with his close friend Emmara, but in "Project Lightning Bug", Jace forgives him. Jace is honest about his feelings with Ral even after Ral was openly rude to him.

"I don't remember home," Beleren said quietly, unbidden.

"What?"

"You talked about growing up in Ravnica. A lot of my memories from my childhood are gone. Chopped up in my head into a few impressions. Most of what I remember begins here, on Ravnica. I'll never have roots here the way you do, and I admit I'm off to other planes a lot. But I think of myself as Ravnican to the core, too."

In Kaladesh block he wanted Chandra to be able to confide in him, and didn't want to stay home when he heard she could be in trouble. He used his mind magic to help Nissa sleep when she had a sensory overload in the busy city.

Nissa looked up. Jace and Gideon were exchanging a look. Both glanced at her.

They stood as one.

Jace turned toward the coat room. "I'll head to Kaladesh. It should be easy for me to—"

Lavinia appeared in his path, one hand resting on the pommel her sword. "Again?" she said, in a weary, disappointed tone.

He frowned up at her. "You can't expect me to sit here and do paperwork!"

Across the streets, beyond the barricades, the Consulate's panharmonicons are still blaring "The Gremlin's Wedding March" at us on infinite repeat at double speed. They left them on all night, and after the moon set Nissa started crying, hands clamped over her ears.

[...]

Jace sat down with her. They talked a minute and his eyes flashed. She curled up in a big potted plant and didn't wake up until the sun fell on her.

But what does being a man mean to Jace Beleren? Well, take a look at his feelings towards Gideon. Jace saw Gideon as the male ideal. I think Jace admires (and is envious of) the way Gideon is a representation of positive masculinity.

Eyes widened, jaws set. They understood their task, he was certain of that. But were they actually prepared to perform it?

What would Gideon say?

Jace smiled. Of course.

"For Zendikar," he said, raising one fist in the air. It felt thin to him, lacking Gideon's armored fist, his baritone war cry, his iron conviction.

None of that mattered. The soldiers shouted as one voice, holding their weapons aloft.

"For Zendikar!"

Gideon is not violent or hypersexual. He's kind, not afraid to ask for help, a defender rather than an aggressor. The pillars of toxic masculinity are absent in both Jace and Gideon. So why does Gideon's mere presence make Jace insecure? I think that insecurity is dysphoria.

I'm only 5 feet tall. People treat me like a kid, think I need help, and certainly don't see me as a man because I'm very small. It feels bad knowing my looks don't inspire others or make them feel safe like big tall guys can.

Gideon is super tall, muscular, conventionally attractive. He's charismatic and a natural leader. Gideon's like a human lighthouse. Jace is average height, out-of-shape, often pale and sickly, and his telepathy makes people automatically distrust him.

It's easy to see why people follow Gideon's lead so easily rather than Jace's. As a trans man, I personally related to Jace's insecurity. He feels inadequate compared to Gideon.

"I'd rather stand," said Gideon.

Jace stood up. It was an error. He still had to crane his neck to look Gideon in the eye, and now the size difference between them was glaringly obvious. He hated feeling small. Hated it.

Jace wanting to lead the Gatewatch didn't come from a desire to dominate others and be an ~alpha male~, but from a desire for people to believe in him. What Jace really wants is to prove to himself and others that he's competent and that he can be trusted.

This vision appeared whenever the man was struggling at a task.

[...]

"Listen, you aren't really suited to this task. Let me handle it." The vision's voice was gruff but friendly.

It came off as condescending.

The man was annoyed.

"I can do it myself."

The hallucination sighed. "You and I both know you're not suited to this. Let me handle it, you go philosophize on the other end of the beach."

"I said I can do it myself." The man let his irritation reach his voice.

"No, you can't. I call the shots and execute, you stand to the side. That's how this works."

The man responded by throwing his hook at the hallucination. It went straight through the figure's eye and landed behind him on the sand.

The time he spends with Vraska is so good for him! I loved that [the podcasts hosts] talked about how he was finally happy to follow someone else's lead! He didn't need to be a leader, he needed someone to trust him. She respected and loved him and thought he was incredible for who he is.

Vraska looked him in the eye. "You're incredible. You know that, right?"

Jace returned her smile and felt his cheeks warming. "I do my best."

"Well, your best is incredible," Vraska said, turning toward the central tower and approaching a large gate on what appeared to be its back side.

Liliana never told Jace he was incredible.

Liliana would have scoffed. She would have made a dismissive joke, rolled her eyes, and called him a show-off. She would not bother to talk to him for days. She would consume the body of a demon with a crocodile's jaws and laugh over the sound of its flesh tearing off. She would do all sorts of things, but she would never call him incredible.

It was important for Jace to get that validation. Now he's not insecure about his appearance. It's not that he finally developed into someone who was caring. He was caring all along, but he was held back by insecurity about how others perceive him. He learned to love himself.

Despite all his good qualities and deeds he still felt insecure because it wasn't easy to visually see him as a "strong man". I think it's important to acknowledge positive masculinity even when the man in question isn't attractive or charismatic, and even if he makes mistakes.

As a trans person, Jace's experience reminded me of the struggle to "pass". It's frightening how easily insecurity can turn into toxic masculinity when you feel different from "real men". If you don't look the part, some people will just never acknowledge you.

Next to 'perfect' guys like Gideon, it's easy to see our own perceived weaknesses and shortcomings. Easy to feel resentment for it. But from this struggle comes the strive to be better men, to be confident in ourselves, and comfortable in our bodies.

There's SO much I wanted to talk about, like how Jace's trauma shaped his need for control, how the IRL gamer guys he was created to represent actually hate him, how he's a male victim of abuse by a female partner, etc but this thread is already terribly long.

TLDR; I think toxic masculinity as a reading of Jace is missing some perspective. The trans perspective. Not all insecurity men experience is toxic masculinity. Sorry I totally should have waited until part 2 was out, but I couldn't stop thinking about that episode.

There's a lack of trans men's voices in... basically everything, and this is something I think we should definitely be included in. I'm so grateful for the Vorthos community opening these kinds of discussions. Super excited for part 2 of the podcast!

#mtg #jace beleren #magic story #analysis #long post

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bitchapalooza · 3 years

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Romano :)

First impression

Early fandom, I really did just jump right into fanon portrayal. Asshole. Conceded. Lazy. Ect. I actually disliked him. I didn't hate him, but I did dislike him to a degree.

Impression now

Oh no yeah I hate him, you guys should know this by now.

Jk jk, I love him, obviously! After actually looking into his character and analyzing it, he's complex and well written, when before I thought he was just a poorly written character. It's pretty obvious he has some serious issues to him, one of which could be intentional or unintentional emotional abuse from those around him or specifically from Rome— I say this because most of what he does, putting himself down and having low effort and cowering behind his brother/others during conflict, could be a result of such kind of abuse. You really don't get that way randomly. Through his interactions with his younger brother, I can tell he deep down wants to actually make a connection, its just he doesnt know how. Its in his nature, most likely learned nature, to push people away so as to not mess things up and lose them. But really he does want to get close to people. As shown with his interactions with Spain, both younger and older, and America.

Favorite moment

SO MANY TO CHOOSE.

Its a tie between:

Him asking Spain for fun stuff to do with the ladies, specifically bullfighting, and then Spain responding with saying he'll be the bull. I like it because it really does display how Romano's view and relationship with Spain has progressed since he was a child when he absolutely detested Spain. Thats growth :)

And then there's when Prussia reaches out to a crying Romano. He cheers him up and then they try to make a movie together. It doesn't work out but it was a nice character detail and interaction nonetheless!

Idea for a story

Oh I have tons.

I have a scrapped three part story for all three Italy brothers, each one focusing on one brother. The first part would have been Romano's. He and his brothers lost their parents to a home evasion gone wrong, to which they were hiding in Seb's nursary/shared bedroom(amongst all three of them) closet that was left alone(what would baby stuff be worth anyway?? It was an unspoken fact that his parents told the robbers they were away at their grandparents). It was Romano's self assigned job to make sure his brothers were then safe after the crooks left; his several months old baby brother and deaf little brother(I wanted to explore how to write a deaf character at the time). After all thats done, it shifts to modern day where Romano wakes up from the dream as described above, an indication he bears a great deal of trauma over it despite what he stubbornly says. I reveal he's a pediatric nurse and he's currently taking care of his grandfather with alzheimer's(again, was trying to explore things) while simultaneously dealing with his now rebelling teenage brother and preparing for Vene's return from a semester off from college. He also had his relationship with Spain to maintain, to which he also is looked at as a kind of father figure by Spain's six year old son. It was a lot to deal with for one person. The message for his story was supposed to be Mental Health First as his nelgected trauma would be a significant factor into why things were falling apart near the climax of the story before completely collasping then being solved once he takes that big step into recovery such as seeing a therapist and actually communicating with his family.

Unpopular opinion

I've already stated it all before, but Romano isn't stupid nor is he not creative. I believe he excells in science and math more, as well as astonomy as side hobby/interest. I think he's just better at sculpting than drawing/painting too. He clearly compares himself to, who he refers to, his more successful brother Veneziano, plus others around him and puts himself down quite a lot. So he most likely has imposter syndrome.

Favorite relationship

It kinda varies in context.

In canonverse, Its Romerica. @thatsamericano (hope you dont mind the tag) has a lot to do with why tbh. They just work really well together! Every canon interaction is like a hug to my soul! I feel as though America hypes Romano up A LOT. Like Romano sets out to do something but then gets anxious about it. So America swoops in and lists all the obvious pros and few of the cons just to make it seem legit(whisch it always is either way). Meanwhile, I think Romano actually keeps America grounded to reality? America is a dreamer and seems to act on impulse a lot. Romano is the opposite. Before America ever sets out to do something extreme that might not actually pan out, Romano might sit down and get him to talk it out and write everything down. Then they'd go through together and cut things so its more realistically reachable and doesnt end in America's dissapointment.

In a human au, its Spamano. I tend to like Spamano in the context of established relationship and just general partner stuff. I've never really branched out of this comfort zone, however. I think their personalities mix really well together. Its the grumpy one with the sunny one! I can see Spain being the early bird and making Romano a surprise breakfast before work begins. He probably gently wakes Romano too so hes still not so sleepy later on. Then theres Romano who's probably the type of partner who checks in on Spain on his schedualed breaks, when hes not also working of course. He just strikes me as the type who likes to know his partner's overall health and mood and likes to hear how things are going for the day so far, even if he wont admit it.

Favorite headcanon

Trans man Romano baybie✌

He's had top surgery already but he's waiting a little bit for bottom surgery. He's a little nervous and not entirely sure he's ready to go thru with it yet. But to combat his bottom dysphoria, he uses a packer or just lounges around the baggiest sweat pants he owns.

#ask #ask game #hetalia #hetalia romano #tw emotional abuse

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