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horsetailcurlers2 · 4 months

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a rough, addison-centric timeline of grey's anatomy/private practice

an anon sent me an ask about when greys/private practice took place and a rough timeline for addison. then i went to edit the draft and accidentallly deleted it. so, i'm sorry, anon! i hope you find this post lol.

okay, so, the grey’s universe contradicts itself multiple times when it comes to the timeline so this is my best approximation/what makes the most sense. i’m putting this in bulleted list format lol bc initially i had a long rambly paragraph that was me basically doing the math as i went. i also got way too carried away and this may be more detailed than you needed.

Pre-show/establishing age

addison is 39 by the end of season three. this makes absolutely no sense considering her extensive credentials but shhh dont worry about it. in my head i justify it bc she canonically graduated college early, and in my head she skipped a grade or two

she and derek are heavily implied to have met their very first semester of med school. they married in 1994. So there is no official timeline on what years she completed her undergrad, when she graduated med school, or when she completed her residencies and fellowships.

GA seasons 1-3

the first three seasons of greys are all one year (they span meredith & friends' intern year)

i initially thought season one took place in 2005 (when the show airs) but in order for everything else to fit it must be 2006. the show contradicts itself about this a few times. personally, i think 2005 makes more sense because addison and derek were married in 1994 and they were married for 11 years at this point. but, they must have made allowances for the fact that three seasons spanned one year.

season one runs from summer to fall 2006. meredith spends two months with derek before addison shows up. addison spends those same two months with mark in new york. so her whole pregnancy/abortion/blonde-hair-for-a-minute all happens in late summer/fall, then she shows up in seattle at the end of season one and by her fabulous fur lined coat, we can gather that it’s fall.

season two picks up directly after season one with no time gap. We get christmas and thanksgiving episodes, and it stretches into spring 2007 (the hospital prom takes place during actual prom season for richard’s niece)

season three once again picks up directly after season two with no gap. addison and derek’s divorce is finalized pretty quickly into the season but i couldnt get the date. the season ends definitively around mid june, because that’s when cristina and burke’s wedding was meant to take place. the two part backdoor pilot for private practice spans the two episodes directly before the wedding/finale, so addison presumably visited L.A around late may/early june 2007 and then came back before the wedding

PP season 1 (+GA season 4)

season one of private practice aired concurrently with grey’s season 4 and the timeline runs directly parallel. there are only nine episodes and they make very very few references to time, so we have to extrapolate from grey’s.

they say that there's a short gap between cristina’s wedding and the start of their second residency year so, season four picks up around early/mid july, meaning private practice also starts around this time.

grey;s has a halloween episode early on (episode five or six) and presumably runs through the rest of fall and winter. PP season one ends after the ninth episode, which aired before the ninth episode of grey’s. then, addison comes to seattle in GA S4 ep 13. in the episode directly after this, the article comes out about burke winning the “2008 harper avery award”, so i believe this visit is already early 2008.

PP season 2 (+GA season 5)

seasons 4 and 5 of GA take place over one year, so pp seasons 1 and 2 must also be one year. there are very few time references, so we have to extrapolate from grey’s again. there is a few months long gap between seasons 1 and 2 (bc of the time during which grey's was airing but pp was not)

episode five of grey's takes place in october (so ep 5 of pp must also be around october)

GA 5x14 and PP 2x15 run parallel to eachother. addison calls derek at the end of these episodes. i'm pretty sure this is meant to take place in january or february 2009 (at this point the air dates are closely lined up with the in universe dates). this whole crossover arc spans two episodes of PP and one episode of GA and i’m pretty sure its meant to take place over just a few days.

2x18 of PP takes place over three months so im guessing its at least early summer 2009 by the time the season ends

PP season 3 (+GA season 6)

season three picks up directly after season two (violet’s attack). season 6 of GA also picks up directly after their previous season (george's death). but then GA 6x1 and 6x2 take place over forty days and PP 3x2 picks up a month after 3x1. So theres a lot of futzing and messing with the timeline to make up for gaps and cliffhangers between seasons already.

they mention that seattle grace mercy west is established in 2009

PP 3x3 is a direct continuation of GA 6x5, for reference

the grey's holiday episode this season (6x10) spans from november 2009, to january 1st 2010. and then PP 3x11 is a direct continuation of GA 6x11. i am assuming it's still january 2010 at this point. (this is also directly after addison finds out the truth about bizzy and susan)

there's a valentines episode of greys (ep 14), so pp 3x14 is probably also february 2010

3x16 to 3x19 take place over two months but then i'm not entirely sure on the timeline of pete and violet’s custody battle

the two part grey's finale/shooting episode takes place some time in late spring or summer 2010 (the next residency year starts in july)

PP season 4 (+GA season 7)

i couldn’t catch the date on dell’s headstone but his death was definitly late spring 2010.

7x1 of GA takes place two months after the season six finale. The episodes where they have to treat the casualties from a college campus shooting (7x10 and 7x11) take place around christmas 2010

4x6 of PP takes place before halloween (pete and violet talk about lucas’s costume) so its october 2010

the musical episode (7x18) is sofia's birthday, which is in may 2011. the PP episode 4x18 runs exactly parallel to it.

callie and arizona’s wedding is 7x20 and its stated that sofia is 3 months old, thus this is three months after both GA 7x18 and PP 4x18

So to recap: private practice season four takes place from around late spring/summer 2010 to spring/summer 2011

PP season 5 (+GA season 8)

here where it gets more tricky bc they do some time jumps around amelia’s pregnancy

the first episode of season 8 of greys takes place on july 1st 2011. the three episode arc in which teddy’s husband dies (eps 8, 9, 10) take place around mid january i think, based on what she says in the valentines episode (ep 14). the plane crash (the final ep of the season) takes place around mid may 2012.

season five of pp picks up right after season four (pete’s heart attack). the second episode jumps to a month later

episode 5x8 (amelia’s intervention) takes place 12 days after 5x7. assuming this lines up with greys, her intervention, ryan’s death, and her admission to rehab probably take place in late december 2011. then her episode in rehab (5x9) spans the course of fifty days, so the next episode (5x10) likely takes place in mid february

amelia is 20 weeks pregnant in 5x16. i’m going to assume that christopher was conceived very close to the night of ryan’s OD, so i’m guessing it's late spring at this point

5x19 is the episode where amelia gets the horrible news about her baby. There is a time jump. she is six months pregnant at the beginning and seven months pregnant at the end. She gives birth in the season finale. i'm guessing it's already late summer at this point, though somehow addison and amelia did not know about the plane crash.

so based on the timeline of amelia’s relapse and pregnancy, plus the grey’s timeline, i'm fairly certain season five of private practice take place summer 2011 to summer 2012.

PP season 6 (+GA season 9)

this one's gonna piss me off bc they do so many time jumps in an attempt to tie up loose ends before the show ends

there is a bit of a time jump before season 6, but in the season premiere, amelia celebrates one year of sobriety. so it must already be late 2012. i’m leaving wiggle room with my guesswork for last season, because imo the canon timeline they’re establishing of the last season is a little iffy.

its implied that addison and jake have been together for these past few months between seasons

pete’s memorial happens in 2x2. addison gets the call that mark has been taken off life support, so this episode must run parallel to greys 9x1. there has also been a time jump between GA seasons. it’s unclear whether or not addison visited mark while on life support, but it had likely been a few months so it's possible. they state that mark died in 2012 so it's not yet 2013.

they jump back and forth in time too much over the course of charlotte's pregnancy, henry’s adoption, and vivian carlsmith’s death. the entire season was meant to be a finale, so a lot of episodes focus only on one or two characters and have events that happen concurrently with the events of other episodes and it gets all muddled. but i'm pretty sure episodes 1-12 span a little under nine months (charlotte discovers she's pregnant at the beginning of the season and gives birth in ep 12). so her pregnancy serves as a backdrop to all these other storylines that overlap in these 12 episodes.

there is some kind of time jump between the triplets birth in 6x12 and addison’s wedding in 6x13 but not a very long one.

there is a thirteen week time jump between addison’s wedding and naomi’s ultrasound, then a little longer before sam and naomi’s second wedding.

so from what i can gather, season six took place over the course of around a year, starting in late 2012 and ending in late 2013 (potentially early 2014?? at some point this season the timeline diverges from greys so that they can utilize all the time jumps)

#greys anatomy #phew #you guys i got carried away #was this even helpful or was it just rambly #addison montgomery #private practice

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windchimesgames · 5 months

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End of Year Recap + Plans for 2024

Hey everyone!

Belated Happy New Year to everyone! I know this is a very late end of year recap 😂Unfortunately, the past week ended up much busier for me than expected, so I could only get around to doing this now that things have calmed down a little.

This is a crosspost of a public post I made on Patreon a few days ago, so if you prefer the formatting there, you can read the post at this link:

PS: I do free monthly devlogs / posts there on Patreon, so consider joining the free tier of the Patreon even if you aren't interested in the paid tiers!

For those who'd rather read the post here, I'll leave the extraordinarily long ramble in a Read More cut below!

Let's start with a quick recap of the highlights / achievements accomplished in 2023!

Okay, this one may be slightly cheating. While Emberfate only launched on Steam in Jan 2023 so the 92 positive reviews came in in the year of 2023, it was up on Itch.io since mid 2022, so not all 383 Itch.io ratings came in in 2023.

Still, I'm pretty proud of these stats! Perhaps the numbers are nothing compared to some other amazing games' out there, but it's still something I'm proud of. It makes me happy that my silly experimental nostalgic little game struck a chord in so many players — much more than I expected given how niche the topic was!

Now, unfortunately, I could not get Emberfate's DLC for Potato's route out by end of 2023 like I had hoped. Porting the game to mobile also ended up much more difficult than I expected because of just how much of the UI I'm going to have to redesign — and hence, programming to be redone — if I wanted to make the game fit a small mobile screen. So both plans are going to have to be postponed to 2024.

The other notable highlight of 2023 is that both Lyrissa's and Kierdan's routes for Reanimation Scheme were released for beta access! That put the game at 3/5 routes complete, with a total of 431,786 words for the script.

I recruited a handful of beta testers to test the three completed routes a few months ago, and so far, the feedback has been positive overall. That's been a huge relief and lifted a massive weight off my chest — due to the controversial reception of the demo, I've been extremely anxious that the game would be hated by the players, and I've done so many rounds of editing and honestly perhaps somewhat unnecessary and obsessive rewriting of the script, but none of it felt good enough 😂 So hearing the positive comments has been a huge motivation / morale booster. Perhaps I should have done beta testing sooner… LOL

There are two more achievements unrelated to a specific game project that I'd like to mention:

2023 is the year that I became more interested in and better at Ren'Py programming! Most of it is thanks to my amazing programmer friend and Ren'Py wizard, Feniks (whom you may know as the programmer for Our Life series), who sparked my interest in programming and helped teach me a LOT. While I'm by no means a professional now at coding, I feel much more comfortable navigating around Ren'Py code and setting up what I need to in the backend of the games I'm developing, which opens up new doors for me for future projects in terms of what kind of features (big or small) that I may be able to include! Though the side effect of that is I looked back at the code I did for Reanimation Scheme from previous years and was immediately horrified by how ugly and inefficient it was. 😂I did redo the backend code of the Gallery and Achievements system a bit, but the rest will just have to stay for now.

I made quite a few new connections within the indie VN dev sphere in 2023! I made a shocking discovery that there's enough number of indie VN developers from Hong Kong to fill half a minibus, and I was lucky enough to connect with them and share our experiences and learn from each other! Due to new project commissions I took on for $$$ (real life financial needs suck), as well as a couple of small game jam projects I joined as programmer to buff up my programming portfolio, I also made some new VN dev friends unexpectedly. It's been really nice, because honestly, solo dev can be a really lonely and isolating endeavor sometimes. I'm super grateful for the new connections I found myself making in 2023!

Looking Ahead: 2024

Okay, that was a lot of rambling for the recap. More than I thought I would write. Now let's move forward to what the future will look like for this studio in 2024 and what goals I'm setting for myself this year!

Priority #1: Finishing Reanimation Scheme

Of course it's Reanimation Scheme. As mentioned above, we're currently at 3 out of 5 routes completed (sans partial voice acting). So the biggest goal for 2024 will be to get the game done. and out. Finally.

I won't be giving a concrete release date until we're like, literally in beta phase for all 5 routes, just so I won't have to announce a delay and let people down. But given the current progress and pace of work, I'd say probably around mid-year — maybe Q3 latest.

I'll be keeping up with the episodic updates of Reanimation Scheme's beta build on Patreon (and Kickstarter) from this month onwards, beginning with Jori's route and then followed by Sebastien's.

The remaining Kickstarter rewards may take a little longer — but ideally, all of them (artbook / lorebook / short stories collections, etc.) will be done by end of the year as well.

Priority #2: Potato's Route DLC for Emberfate

Potato, poor Potato. His DLC had to be put on the sidelines until Reanimation Scheme is done.

Half of the art has already been commissioned and completed by the amazing Remnantation — we're just missing his selfie CG & his MMO character sprite! So the next step would be the script and then the voice acting for the calls part. I won't be able to start on the script until mid-2024 earliest, but given the fact that his route won't be that long if it's parallel in length compared to the existing three routes, it probably won't take too long to do. Perhaps 2-3 months for the development process of the DLC?

I'll likely be releasing his DLC early on Patreon, potentially also episodically as it's completed, like I did with Emberfate. So if you're interested, keep an eye out for it when the time comes!

Something Secretly Brewing in the Shadows?

If you're pledged to this Patreon on $10 tier or above, you'll probably already know what I'm alluding to.

I won't be announcing or talking much about this for now, since I don't know when I'll be able to start working on this project properly (i.e. I need to meet my above two goals first). For all I know, it might end up being not a 2024 thing but a 2025 thing. So I'll only tease it slightly for now here.

Bonus Goal: Market, for the Love of God

If you follow Wind Chimes Games on either Twitter or Tumblr, you'll probably have noticed the sorry state of my social media. I… really do not like marketing or posting on social media. I never know what to post or say. I'm too unfunny and uncreative to meme or write humorous captions that get engagement. 😂It kind of feels like I'm shouting into the void, and nobody really cares about what I have to say on my projects when there's so many cooler and more interesting things out there. So I always try for a brief period of time, and then I give up 😭

This year though, I really really need to take marketing more seriously. With two releases planned for 2024, marketing is going to be important if I want the games to sell more than like 20 copies LOL

So I guess, uh, hold me to it and call me out if I don't start posting regularly after all 🥹

Conclusion

If you've made it this far on this post, thank you so much for listening to me ramble. 🥹 2024 is going to be a very busy year, but hopefully, a productive one that will end with me meeting all of the above listed goals.

Thank you so much for joining me on the wild and bumpy journey that was 2023, and I hope you'll stick around for the exciting things to come this year too! Here's to a great year ahead of all of us!

#otome #visual novel #interactive fiction #dating sim #otome game #otoge #if #vn #english otome #english otome game #indie otome #renpy #lgbtq #english visual novel #amare #reanimation scheme #emberfate #announcement

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lincolndjarin · 7 months

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ro's very reasonable 2023 wrap up schedule.

hi lovelies!! (figured out how to do a color gradient, took me weeks, i'm fucking thrilled, expect more of that nonsense in this post lol)

it's mid november and as the year comes to a close i'd like to wrap up a lot of stuff so here's the plan :

NOV 12 : BKS 26 : crucifixion (currently being edited will be out by tonight.)

NOV 12-19 : BKS 27 : the apostate (will be released at some point here, it's gonna be on the shorter side so it shouldn't take too long

NOV 25 : Oh Honey, Chapter Four : painting the roses red (another long chap, gonna need some time to get this one out so at the latest it will be out on the 25th!!)

The First Week of December will be my 1,000 follower celebration, I'm going to be doing a week of Best Kept Secret content leading up to the final BKS chapter !! (this will include the release of my 500 follower celebration whoops)

Best Kept Secret Week :

DEC 1 : BKS 28 : a place for us (the technical final chapter of BKS)

DEC 2 : BKS Q&A (gonna ask for questions at some point here i'll make a post and answer any final questions about bks!!)

DEC 3 : Bound in Beskar - 500 follower celebration (a one off based on the book princess reads in bks)

DEC 4 : BKS what ifs (it's 8 days of stuff they can't all be hits. tbh i needed a day filler and i've got a lot of alternative story lines in bks so fuck it, i'll talk about those here)

DEC 5 : Best Kept Secret Art!! (i commissioned three artists to illustrate some of my favorite scenes bc i'm a sap so i will be posting all of that on this day and i'm so excited for y'all to see it!! they're wonderful artists and they've done wonderful work so far <3)

DEC 6 : Secrets Best Kept - 1,000 follower celebration (a one off where Din Djarin is the new reluctant ruler of Mandalore, a tutor is hired to help him during his early days as a ruler to learn proper etiquette for royalty)

DEC 7 : A love letter to Best Kept Secret. (pretty much just gonna be one last corny post to thank everyone for reading)

DEC 8 : BKS 29 : the best kept secret (epilogue) (corny ass name ik, anyhow, this will be it!! this will be the last main update of best kept secret!!)

DEC 16 : Oh Honey, Chapter Five : a very merry unbirthday (this will be the last chapter of oh honey!! i've always intended for this to be a short form story so it will be wrapped up at the latest by the 16th!!)

DEC 24 : Best Kept Christmas (gonna sneak one last good bye to bks in at the end of the month with a christmas special lol)

and then i will be taking the last week of december to write my next fics! rest!

so yeah lol, my goal is to wrap up all ongoing fics this year but but but if you made it this far (i love you *mwah*) here's some of the fics coming in 2024!! i won't be starting anything new this year but next year i've got big plans >:)

Then & Now (probs gonna change that title) - this will be my main fic for a bit, i've been itching to start this for so so long, f!reader x joel. definitely gonna be more on the angsty side

i'm participating in pmamc 2024 so there will be an Oberyn one off in January!!

Andromeda - this is gonna be my next din x reader !! i don't have much other than the base idea but im gonna keep that a surprise haha

And plenty of other stuff i'll figure out lol

#lincolndjarin #fic : best kept secret #fic : oh honey

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coffeeandcalligraphy · 7 months

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Fun facts about me

Thanks for tagging me @at-thezenith !!

A Scent You Love:

I recently got ahold of Billie Eilish’s third perfume & omgggg……… I love the first one so much (it smells like a toasted marshmallow lol), & my sister and I split this second one as a blind buy & it’s so good I’m sad it’s limited edition! It smells the way I imagine Lonan would smell LOL, so kind of peppery & warm. It’s my favourite scent rn.

What's Something You're Looking Forward To This Week?

I don’t really know tbh this is kind of an uneventful week!!! I took some self portraits yesterday so I’m looking forward to seeing how they turned out bc I didn’t look at them last night!

What's A Book You're Currently Reading?

Not really in the middle of anything right now but I’ve had a hold on 100 Queer Poems a collection edited by Andrew McMillan and Mary Jean Chan that I read a teeny bit of before I lost it the last time! So I need to finish it bc it’s very popular at the library lol.

What's A Game You're Currently Playing?

Always playing Mario Party these days with my brother and sister pretty much every day of the week LOL. Trying to manage Mario Party and writing every day in November has been so chaotic HAHAHA. But I’m getting quite good at it.

What's The Most Recent Movie You Watched?

I watched Nowhere (1997 dir. Gregg Araki) last night!!!! It was actually soooo good!!! Plot wise my fave from the teen apocalypse trilogy and also just visually stunning. James Duval my beloved…….

Are You Watching Anything On TV Or Listening To Any Shows?

Not at the moment!

Favourite season?

Summer. I hate the extreme heat and the bugs and the sweating but I love the long daylight hours. It used to be fall but I just don’t like the cold lol. Late August-mid September is probably my favourite time of year (or May-June in Toronto if it’s not freezing cold like it can be).

What's Something You've Learned Recently?

I’ve learned a couple songs on the loop pedal lately which has been fun. That thing takes a lot of dexterity to master so I think I’m finally getting it!!!

Have You Had Any Water Lately?

I will now lol!!

Open tag if you see this & want to do it!! :))))

#thx for tagging me!

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heartsyncproductions · 5 months

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Hello hello, welcome to a look back at 2023 as well as a contemplation of 2024! Throwing the graphic together made me realize I released a lot more things then I thought I did (as well as do a lot of creative work privately since I really only share a fraction of what I make). At the same time, 2023 was pretty weird creatively, so let's talk about it!

First off, I thought I'd share some stats because I grew a lot this year if we're only talking about numbers. I wasn't really expecting it at all since I admittedly do zero marketing most days but here's some stats:

Memory Ghosts hit 100 downloads this year

PRETTYBOY Inc. is Hiring! ended the year at around 1.3k+ plays

Burning Academia [demo] ended the year at 7.2k+ plays

Disruptive Compassion hit 200+ plays (and it was only released in mid December)

Hit exactly 500 followers on my itch.io account

I don't really talk about my writing, but I did make my novella What the Trees Stole available outside of itch.io, and I released a short story collection We are Connected this year as well! In regards to my webnovel, I took a break from volume two to do edits on volume one and I'm hoping to have those done to release the first volume on itch as well as other places that allow you to have a novel available for free.

Anyways, just looking at the numbers I hit so much more growth then I was ever expecting. Anything that hit 100 feels like a win to me, and the way two of the games I released blew past that is wild. With that being said, I felt completely disconnected from most of what I made this year.

I lamented about this briefly when I wrote my post mortem for Disruptive Compassion, but DC felt like the monument to the feeling that a lot of what I made creatively I felt disconnected from. I was working 50 to 60 hour work weeks for the first half of the year (hooray healthcare), and I think I spent the rest of the year burnt out from it. 2023 was also hard in a lot of personal ways, so maybe all of that contributed to me not feeling close to anything I made creatively.

It isn't that I didn't like what I made, it just felt like someone else made it. In my DC post I said it was like being an observer looking at something through a glass screen instead of being it's creator, and that's really the only way I know how to describe it. It also makes it hard to celebrate any of the ways I've improved (especially how much I've improved in regards to my games), because it doesn't feel like I improved because nothing feels like my work. It's been really weird looking at pieces I've made and not seeing any of me in it, somehow.

Again, it's probably just what happens when you have a bad year. But as someone who's been into story telling since forever, it's not really a feeling I'm used to.

Moving away from that so I don't end up ranting for a million years, let's talk goals. I'm going to be honest, I didn't do a lot of what I set out to do LOL. Things I did do, to a degree:

Game Jams: I did Otome Jam (Spring Boy, though I have plans to overhaul it, more on that later), Velox Fabula (PRETTYBOY Inc. is Hiring!), and Velox Turbo (Disruptive Compassion)

Connect with the Community: I think my goal for this was a lot lower then the average persons. I have pretty severe paranoia, stemming from a long time battle with a Specific Mental Illness I don't feel like naming since it's so stigmatized aha. Because of this, I really just wanted to convince my brain that commenting on a post that I enjoyed someone's work isn't weird, or to exist a little more on social media and not exist in the perpetual hell that is assuming the minute I do I will be stalked and doxxed or something. This is also why Discord is the Worst Space in the world for me, because it's impossible to observe it from the outside and deem it safe. You just...join and have to see for yourself which makes it completely inaccessible to my brain. With that being said: I think I did ok! I think doing the Velox Jams really helped with this and even if it was just a little, I managed to leave comments and talk a little about things I enjoyed this year. It might seem like the bare minimum to others, but it felt like some pretty solid steps to me.

Release another game: I released two short, finished ones and two demos! This was a lot more then I was expecting, and I'm pretty happy with it.

Aaaand I'm pretty sure that's all I did that was on the list. Putting it like this, I did a lot more then I thought I did. So much of 2023 was feeling like I was in a rut, that I'm glad it wasn't actually true. With that, leaves the last part of this post: 2024 goals.

Rework Spring Boy: I was going to start this sooner, but unfortunately, I can be easily distracted. Fortunately, in my break I made two short games that taught me a lot about game design and writing that I can take and apply to this! I'm excited for my plans for this game!

Released up to chapter 4 of Burning Academia: I never talked about this here because I thought having my 17+ IF with my 13+ games and writing felt...weird lol. Anyways, I started a Twine IF called Burning Academia (@burning-academia-if is the blog for it if you're interested) which was supposed to just be me trying out Twine. However, I have had a lot of fun writing it so far! Only the prologue is out and chapter 1 should be out late January! I'm hoping to have up to chapter 4 out by the end of the year.

Velox Formido: 36 hours, 2 themes, one game. I'm ready to suffer-

Community Connection: Continue working on talking about the things I like more while interacting with more people in the community! I also realized this year during Velox Turbo I'd like to work in a team some time, but that's more something I'm using 2024 to work towards so I can do something like that in 2025!

Writing: I don't talk about my writing anywhere near as much as I should consider I'm a thousand percent more a writer then a game dev lol. I'm hoping to edit and release volume one of my webnovel How to Bury Fairytales and finish the online first draft of volume two. I also want to finish and publish my dark fantasy/asexual love story novella 'Mercy Dreams' this year as well!

I should probably add a 'try to actually market this year' goal as well, but I know myself. It's not going to happen lmfaO. Anyways! If you read all of this thank you! These are always more of a list for myself then anything, but I do hope anyone here has enjoyed what I've made this year, and honestly thank you to everyone who has played my games or gave me a follow!

Hopefully 2024 I start to feel connected to my work again, and may I continue to grow and improve creatively!

#happy new year #year in review #indie otome #visual novel #twine #interactive fiction #yearly goals #2024 goals #also didn't mention it but tbh PRETTYBOY Inc. was my beloved this year and for a game I made only to learn how to code GUI that's wild

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phasebun · 6 months

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Heyooo :) Enjoy your trip, friend! Just passing by, like the other anons, to thank you for sharing your wonderful BG3 OC creations with us! They are one of a kind AND top notch, indeed. Was wondering, how does the 'creative' process for each character start for you/what inspires you? How long does it take to come up with the 'final' result so to say? What are your favorite BG3 OCs that you've created/the one that took you longest? PS: that mods list/non-personals would be RLY appreciated <333

You are so sweet to meeee ｡°(°.◜ᯅ◝°)°｡♡♡♡!!! Thank you for such kind words, I hope a great laugh comes your way and you laugh so hard, you can't breath, and you end up just laughing more, a good laugh ♡ no but tysm!!! It's really fun to me and it kinda catches me off guard but it's heartwarming that you enjoy my chaos as well.

[long post---should I even keep saying sorry at this point x.x]

I’ll try not to trail off and really just answer your questions LOL I love my beans so much.

My creative process is a bit sporadic tbh. I'm unsure if you meant their design or their "lore" so I'll assume design (me after flipflopping more times than I should've)

I can be mid-game and something I want to try will pop up. I always keep their classes in mind (I like experimenting in combat) and dnd lore ( I have NO clue until bg3, minus what most would know/most viral info about dnd lore). Sometimes I can see a mod I like, and instantly want to make a character off of it. ( Both Illios and Ik’mil was birthed cause of the Myrkul scar being made and I went "I gotta use this". lmao (that and I was already in love with the idea of siblings being tadpoled together.

Honestly, I just let my emotions/mind tinker at their designs. Once I know what kind of OC I want (who they are/race/at least a detail of their past), I fit their design off of that. Music also helps me figure out the direction I want to go for their appearance. Music helps me creatively in many areas, especially music without words. I really can't figure out a way to put it other than I just let the energy I feel carry over LOL Dnd lore helps me a bit in their design as well.

My inspiration for their design usually comes from the lore I give them tbh as well as dnd lore/the actual lore within the game itself. When I make them I keep in mind: color combos I enjoy, aesthetics, subcultures, etc. I do enjoy the story, I just create my own world within it. I usually search for mods to fit the identity I need them to portray if I can't work with what I have. And I MILK what I have. I want my OC to fit the narrative of taking over the brain, but in my eyes (now that I've played for 1k hours), the number of people being tadpoled was more than just the few we meet in the pods. So anybody could've landed.

Their design also has to fit the personality I've given them, and I tend to use pieces of my own and the personalities that I know lol~ It’s all perspective to me/my imagination is really in control lol so much fun personally-

My "final results time" honestly varies tbh. Ares was so instant cause I knew immediately the look I needed for my first guy Durge. Green skin/orange hair. I HAD to have someone with green skin and I've done so in multiple games with character creation LOL idk. From there, I just experimented with shades and such until he came together. His lore grew as I developed him/who he is. (Yi’laae was pretty easy as well since I was just editing an origin chara at the time—her actual background honestly came to me down the line lmao). I just knew the image of a princess I wanted my prince to have. Plus, after looking into the lore of Tymora and clerics/etc--it all came her image grew/developed. Sometimes I'll start with a place they're from within dnd/how someone in that world would exist and build from that.

Some final results for problem characters will take about 3?ish days maybe. From experience so far. It could be lack of resources (increased by my own doing), something not clicking/no bond whatsoever~ etc. Sometimes, some OCs are literally just birthed cause I wanted to create a new character, and their design came out yummy. So now I want to build them up even more, think about who they could've been, etc.

Solene didn't click for the longest. I couldn't settle on a face and an energy for her. I knew the aesthetic I wanted, so I had to love her look. (I've had a lady Durge before, my first playthrough, so I also needed Sol to be diferent) Ra'mi was difficult as well after making a monk OC I fell in love with. ( Ra'mi HAD to exist because I am a bunny mom who is IN LOVE WITH HER SWEET BUN BOY ♡) . I reaaaally need to love my OCs so they have to fit my preferences. Guys are much easier for me than the girlies because of my own doing ngl.

Choosing just one OC is sooo hard. I'll put their lore to the side and only focus on design, and even then that's hard. I'll answer this emotionally LMFAO sooo-- Illios tbh. I was stuck on an older brother for Ik'mil, who was already a Necromacer of Myrkul, the Lord of Bones. Diablo 4's necromancers are sooooooo well designed. My bf had one tbh. ( Diablo 4 has some reallllllllyyy amazing character designs in general to me~~ I used the soundtrack to make some of my OCs lol).Illios isn't as decayed/looks different in different lighting, but I love love love how he came out. Especially as my cleric of Myrkul ♡

I really love Paemon's design as well. He’s really just shades of colors I love, especially the greens, with an added horror I like.

ദ്ദി ˉ͈̀꒳ˉ͈́ )✧ ♡ ♡ ♡ I appreciate you

#anon #um ew I hate looking at how long this is rofl HUH

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aajjks · 3 years

Text

Need (JJK)

synopsis. He needed to know that you loved him.

pairing: yandere!jk x fem!reader.

warnings: dark, yandere, themes of obsession, obsessive behaviour, forcing, hes ab*sive, degrading names, bipolar kook, kind of sadistic behavior, mature and a steamy kiss lol.

disclaimer. This content contains dark triggering themes, don’t read if you’re triggered by the written above warnings. this is all fictional and this does not represent bts’ Jungkook irl. I don’t condone this behaviour irl!!

note. hey guys.. look I’ve been trying my best to get back to writing but as you can [wil] see that I’m failing miserly. this is as always not edited or proofread.. I’m so ashamed...

The harsh sound of the basement door hitting the wall in a thudding manner made your weak body shudder with fear, the now familiar feeling of fear and panic taking over you,

Waking you up from your slumber.

“Wake the fuck up, bitch!” There came booming his voice, his angry tone catching you off guard, you looked up to see him. His face was hidden with his dark jet black long curly locks, his shirt was unbuttoned from above, showing his muscular chest. His nose was scrunched. And his sharp jaw clenched.

He was angry.

The sound of your heartbeat was getting louder and louder as he took his steps toward you, his legs were wobbling, coming closer and closer. You watched as his predatory gaze fell on your petrified figure, setting on your horrified face. “It’s been a whole fucking week, stop your bullshit already, I’m very close to losing my shit” his voice echoed through out the empty basement.

You shuddered again, jolts of fear taking over you.

You were unable to process his words properly, your eyes followed his movements, he grabbed your face in his strong hands as he knelt down on his knees. You were held captive by the tight ropes wrapped around your fragile figure.

You felt weak. “I love you, that’s why I did all of this. You,” jeongguk inhaled a deep breath. Raising his head up to look at you, his eyes contained a crazy look in them, his demeanour was darkining. Fear was all you felt.

“You know it, don’t you? princess?” Jeongguks tone was low but deep. His eyes fixed on your scared face. It was like a warning, you had to answer what he wanted you to.

“I-I..” closing your eyes to avoid eye contact didn’t help, his grip on your face tightened even more as he aggressively squeezed it. “Don’t. Fucking. Test. Me.” Jeongguk leaned closer as his minty breath reeking of alcohol hit your nostrils. Your eyes watered quickly as he forced you to look at him.

His eyes were red, tiny veins present in his dark orbs filled with obsession and distress. Jeongguks eyebrows were farrowed and his nose was red.

“ANSWER ME!” Jeongguk screamed at your face, his voice threatening to break mid sentence. “Y-You know I love you r-right?” You just closed your eyes, your heart could explode right now.

He was scaring the shit out of you. “Y/N, fucking answer m-me!!! I-I love you! H-How could you leave me!!!? H-How could you love somebody else than me!” Jeongguk was incredibly frustrated. “S-Stop it pl-please...”

Tears of fear fell from your tired eyes. He watched you, “w-why are you crying?” Jeongguk carressed your cheeks in a hasty manner to calm you down

“sssh.. don’t cry! I-I love you so much, I didn’t mean to make you cry! Stop crying..” jeongguk wiped your cheeks with his hands then grabbed your face once again to lean closer.

“You know I-I missed you so fucking m-much. I missed you so much that I was starting to go insane.... I couldn’t sleep at nights. Whenever I’d close my eyes, your pretty face would show up..”

“You’re imprinted on my mind, my heart and my fucking soul. You’re my everything. I-I love you like a fucking maniac. I’m so crazy about you! Why d-don’t you get it! WHY DONT YOU!” Jeongguk babbled on and on like a psycho, He was starting to concern you.

He had really gone mad.

When you didn’t respond, He began to scream at you, “stop t-this Jeongguk leave me! Okay! Okay I do! I-I love you!” You cried at him. His grip on your face was starting to hurt. “S-STOP CRYING! TELL ME HOW MUCH YOU LOVE ME... you st-still love me... don’t you?” He nodded his head to himself. “My princess loves me...”

“You love me. Y-Yes you do. I knew it...” Jeongguk smiled as he grabbed your face and crashed his lips to yours in a hungry kiss, smothering your mouth like a starved man. You felt like you were being suffocated [you were.], jeongguk refused to pull away, forcing your mouth open to lap at it like a dog.

You wanted this to end. He wouldn’t leave you ever.. his kiss was the proof of his madness.

You couldn’t be saved from the devil.

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hyunjilicious · 3 years

Text

a helping hand [henry cavill] - part 2

A/n: I’m sorry it took me so long. I don’t like how this part turned out, at all, but I rewrote it 3 times and I can’t even think about these scenes anymore without getting annoyed. I’m just happy it’s finished and that I can start working on part 3 (that is, if you like this one enough to want to keep reading lol)

Summary: After you post on onlyfans a video starring another man, Henry decides to take matters into his own hands. (cameo: Steve Rogers) KINKY 4k

Warnings: spanking, daddy kink, dirty talk, mentions of smut and masturbation (male), humiliation/degradation kink, groping, mentions of porn and filming pornographic material, stalker-ish/obsessed Henry. (also tumblr crashed when I first tried to upload this so maybe that a sign this sucks)

You can read part 1 here!

The sight brought down a storm upon Henry's mind. He stood there, mouth agape, watching the screen, unable to believe his eyes. It was one thing to post videos of yourself on the Internet, but to have someone else take part in them was too much. At least for Henry. Still smart and composed, he realised there wasn't anything he could do about it, but nevertheless, he was determined to not let this shit slide for much longer.

As much as he wanted to hunt down that man who dared put his hands on you, Henry gathered himself, took a deep breath and closed the onlyfans page. He was perfectly aware that just the right amount of you could get him to lose his sense of control and do things he'd later regret. Still, in desperate need to see you, he grabbed his phone, eyes scheming over your socials, only to see that the last time you had been active was 7 minutes ago. So, without much consideration, he started typing.

"You up?"

"Yep. Finishing up an essay. Coffee in 30??"

Oh, and how deeply that hurt him. "Of course" he sent you, and then checked again the post you made at 3am. '...I'll go to sleep right now, edit it for you when I wake up...'

You were lying? Why were you lying to him? It drove him insane. Henry felt like he couldn't sit down anymore, like he had no chance to catch his breath. He couldn't think straight, so he wasn't really to blame for what he did next.

Henry's fingers flew over the keyboard, accessing Facebook and logging into your account, desperate to see whether he could find out who the man in your video was. And it was as easy as it could've been, considering your last 5 conversations were with the girl friends he already knew about. But somewhere among them, he spotted an unfamiliar name - Steve R., and instantly clicked and opened the conversation. His blood started to boil when the multitude of emojis you sent reached his eyes, but he scrolled up, until he found the beginning of yesterday's conversation.

It was started by you, and with a request. You were blunt and went straight for it, asking him with just one message to be in the video with you. There was no trace of your relationship with him on the Internet, so Henry had no idea regarding the nature of yours and Steve's connection. Judging by the way you addressed him, he could easily assume the man was nothing more than a fuck buddy. Even though it angered him, Henry kept his calm and decided to go about this with care. It would only be a matter of time until he removed Steve from your life. But for now, he just had to keep digging for information.

Steve R.: "Exactly what do you need me to do, baby? Spank you? In front of the camera? Are you serious?"

"Yes, Steve. Come on!! I know we haven't seen each other in a while, but still... 😇 when it comes to these things, you know me better than anyone"

Henry scoffed. Who the fuck was this guy?

Steve R.: "I know, baby"

Steve R.: "What's in it for me?"

Smoke came out of Henry's ears, and the fact that you acted so sweet and innocent made him want to smash his keyboard.

"Whatever you want! Just do this for me!!! Please!!!! 🥺😊😋"

Steve R.: "Ofc I'll do it, sweetheart. I got you"

"Thank you thank you thank you 😘"

Steve R.: "I should be the one to thank you"

Steve R.: "Send me the location and I'll be over there asap"

After that, your address followed and then that was it. Determined to dig deeper, Henry started to scroll up again, wanting to find out as much as he could about this mysterious man. He didn't get a chance to lurk too much before this computer alerted him of a notification, the onlyfans tab glowing orange. His attention was instantly won, smiling devilishly as he checked the content.

Posted 30 seconds ago, was the new video. Ready to kick back and enjoy, Henry pressed the play button, ready to go at it with an open mind.

He reluctantly accepted the fact that there was another man in it with you, but he decided to enjoy it nevertheless. The video started, displaying Steve seated on the couch, thighs suggestively parted. He had a pair of black dress pants on, dangerously stretched over his massive thighs. A white, elegant shirt hugged his visibly sculpted torso, the top two buttons undone to show just a hint of chest hair. Quite a sight, but all Henry saw was trash. With his sleeves rolled up to his elbows, a silver watch on his wrist and a pinky ring on, Steve patted his thigh, cueing your entrance.

When Henry saw you, he felt his breath reach a new, sudden level of difficulty. With the shortest of skirts barely managing to cover your ass and a mostly see-through shirt on your top half, you made your way to him in such an angelic way that Henry couldn't believe his eyes.

You looked like happiness personified, and it came in such a painful contraction to what you were about to do, that it twisted Henry's mind in such a perverse way, his cock nearly twitched just by seeing you.

When you were about to bend over Steve's thigh, he grabbed your chin and stopped you mid action, his lips slamming against your as his free hand lewdly caressed your ass. He flung the skirt over your hips, your flimsy underwear on full display.

Attentive to the events unfolding on the screen, Henry found his cock, teasingly rubbing it over the material of his pajama pants. His mouth watered when he felt the sensibility in his tip, actually believing this would be easier than he initially anticipated.

"Are you going to be Daddy's good little girl, or do I have to make this fucking hurt?" Steve asked and Henry almost threw up.

"Yes, Daddy. I'll be good" you mewled, wiggling your feet.

"Let's see" the man menacingly chuckled, releasing a sharp slap against your ass that made you yelp out in pain.

At this point, about 30 seconds in that was, Henry was already losing his mind. It was as if you took a trip inside his dreams and decided to play out his fantasies. The only problem was that you did it with another man. It was next to impossible for him to keep this going.

"Can you count?" Steve taunted, his hand traveling all over the back of your thighs, your exposed ass and between your legs.

"Yes, Daddy" you eagerly nodded and Henry almost threw up.

"I wouldn't be surprised if a dumb slut like you didn't know how to" Steve chuckled, "But it's ok, that's how we like our girls. Dumb and pretty"

"Thank you, Daddy"

Henry couldn't believe his eyes. He refused to accept the fact that a random man got to play with your innocence like that. You were his sweet little girl. And if until now he pushed through heroically, when literal yelps of pain started erupting from your lips as the blonde man slapped your ass hard enough to rock your whole frame, Henry's blood ran cold.

But no matter how hard the jealousy had hit him, the video was still pushing his limits of self control. It was still what he always wanted to see. When he reached inside his pants and grabbed his cock, a low grunt of early satisfaction left his lips. He once again found himself picturing you, willing to please him, but this time, he didn't get to go too far. The buzzing sound of his doorbell rang through his apartment, and he never stood up faster.

Cock still hard and completely visible through his pants, Henry slapped the pause button and minimized the browser, before springing to his feet and rushing to the door.

"Henry!" you exclaimed as soon as he came into view. He looked somehow tired, but it was easy to tell there was something else bothering him. "You didn't answer your phone" you pouted.

"Yeah, sorry" he shook his head, a few sweaty curls falling against his forehead. "I was busy with something. What's up?"

You raised your eyebrows and pointed to the door of your apartment, "You said you'd come over? Coffee? Remember?"

"Oh, shit, yeah" Henry cringed, rubbing his forehead. "I'll be over in 10 minutes, that ok?"

"Sure" you beamed, completely oblivious to the way he just tried to get rid of you. With utter nonchalance, you pushed your way past him and strolled into the kitchen.

"You wanna wait here?" he muttered.

"Yeah... Is that a problem? I can leave..."

"No, no" Henry eventually sighed and rushed over to you. He cupped your cheeks and kissed your forehead. "Wait here, I'll be right back"

And that was what you did. You silently sat down, grabbing a bag of chips you found laying around, and settled to wait. And maybe, a few seconds passed where nothing devious came to mind, but as time ticket itself away, boredom got to you. First you stood up, and padded to the hallway, looking around. There was almost nothing new over there, but it still felt so homey you absolutely loved to inspect every detail. The TV in the living room was turned off, a couple of pizza boxes on the floor and his DVD cases laying around - absolutely nothing interesting.

You sighed and plopped down on his couch, folding your legs under your body, ready to flip through the channels on TV until he'd decide to join you. Nothing seemed of interest, being bombarded with news and fishing programs. "Old man" you thought to yourself, before opening up the menu in search for something less depressing. A wave of nostalgia hit you when you came across a Spiderman marathon, and you were done for. Maybe one full episode passed until Henry walked out of the bathroom, but you were nowhere near ready to leave.

"Look what's playing!" you beamed, pointing to the screen. Henry raised his eyebrows in amusement, his shoulders shaking as he softly laughed at your unusual choice of entertainment.

"Are you serious? Cartoons?"

"Yes!" you scoffed, extending your arms and gesturing for him to join you. Although reluctant at first, Henry agreed to sit and watch the show with you, but not before brewing some coffee first.

When he returned from the kitchen, two steaming mugs in tow, you shuffled to the side and welcomed him on the couch. He brought you close against him, draping his arm around your body. With your head resting on his shoulder, you sipped your coffee, eyes glued to the TV. "You seriously never watched these as teen? You were 11 when it came out."

"I did" Henry laughed, rubbing his hand up and down your side, "I was in love with Felicia Hardy"

"MJ was so much better!" you shook your head disappointed, "You have no taste"

"No need for that" Henry threatened, his fingers exploring their way down your body. The way he trailed his hand across your hips and thighs made you squirm, smiling to yourself as you shuffled closer to him.

Henry was more than happy to reciprocate, kissing your forehead and squeezing you tighter.

And just like that, you didn't care about Spiderman anymore. You flung your leg over Henry's lap, all but crawling on top of him. The episode was still playing in the background, but none of you was paying attention anymore. Henry wrapped his muscular arms around your frame, eliciting a soft moan from your lips as you pushed your hips down against his thigh. His hands traveled lower, exploring your body with delicate but greedy strokes.

As you let yourself get carried away with absolutely no worry in mind, Henry knew exactly what he was doing. And considering how easily you let your guard down, he had you right where he wanted.

When you hid your face in the crook of his neck, your nose rubbing across the slope of his collarbone, Henry's right hand found your ass. You froze for a second, but his gentle caress helped you relax again in an instant. With his lips against the top of your head, he allowed his fingers to sink into your flesh. Your whole frame stiffened as you gathered a handful of his hoodie into your fist.

"What's wrong?" Henry cooed, grabbing your chin, "You ok?"

"Yep" you whimpered, and then winced again as he squeezed your ass once more. "I'm good-" you lied, cupping the side of his neck into your palm as you crawled higher up his body, your lips right against his ear.

As weak as he was for you, Henry stood his ground. If you wanted to play this game, he'd do it, but he wouldn't let you win.

"Does this hurt?" he asked, roughly groping your ass.

Jumping slightly from the pain, you still managed to shake your head, blurting out another lie. "... no"

"What about this?" Henry teased, grinning widely as he shoved his hands inside your leggings, under your panties.

The urgency of his touch made your eyes open wide, your back arching as you tried to push yourself off of him.

"Does it hurt, darling?" he continued, keeping you in place with ease.

Defeated, you sighed and lowered your gaze, "A bit" you mumbled.

"Just a bit?"

"Henry-"

"Did he fuck you good?"

Your mouth fell open. "What- no, I didn't- we didn't do anything-"

"Didn’t do anything?" Henry grinned, his perfect teeth showing as he proudly pried information out of you.

"I just... fuck-"

Seeing no way out of this one, and eager to stop hiding, you pushed yourself back. Henry's hands left your body as you sat beside him, and he watched you curiously, patiently waiting for you to word your thoughts. "I just filmed a video for my page, that's all" you bowed your head.

"What kind of video?" Henry questioned.

His demeanour was so relaxed, he was right in his element, unlike you, who were riled up to the extreme. "A spanking video-" you cleared, awkwardly fidgeting with the hem of your shirt.

"Did he spank you good?"

His hand found your hips again, and you leaned into his touch, nodding your head yes as you were too embarrassed to actually word your answer.

"Then show me"

He was dominant and stern, and even if you wanted to, you felt like saying no wasn't an option. Henry didn't wait for your permission as he grabbed your waist and pulled you up to your knees, chuckling softly to himself when he saw you shyly smile down at him.

His fingers curled around the waistband of your leggings, forcefully pulling them down your thighs. "Come on" he urged you, softly guiding you to lay down across his lap, your ass barely covered by the pinkish and slightly unflattering underwear you had chosen for the day.

Henry's breathing picked up at the sight, and so did yours. You watched him over your shoulder, his fingers tracing over the bruises Steve left on your bum the night before.

"Henry-?" you whimpered, the anticipation building up in the pit of your stomach becoming too much to bear.

"Yes, darling?" he cooed, leaning down to the side to kiss your cheek. His stumble tickled your skin and you whimpered when his hand made its way between your legs.

You felt his fingers against your opening and involuntarily clenched your thighs around him, hiding your face in the cushions of below your head.

"Tell me" Henry pushed, teasing your folds and clit over your underwear.

"Nothing, I-" you cried, making him chuckle.

He loved giving you a taste of your own medicine. He straightened himself up and grabbed your ass into his hands, squeezing until you yelped out in pain. A soft laughter of approval escaped his throat as he bent down and pressed his lips to one of your cheeks, applying lingering kisses over each and every single bruise.

The way he took control of the situation and handled your body, turned you on to no end. For whatever reason, being exposed like that for him, waiting for any kind of judgement to leave his lips, you were getting more and more riled up by the second. You were done for. You did your best not to moan with need, but little did you know that was exactly what kept you from being thrown onto the floor and fucked into oblivion. Just one single sign was all you needed in order to break his self control, but you didn’t have it in you to do it.

But he didn’t say anything, instead just keeping you on your toes as he had his way. You were dripping through your underwear, and judging by the bulge in his pants that pushed up against your belly, you knew he was on the same page as you. But again, he didn’t allow things to go further. Everything about this moment pointed in the right direction - the teasing, the touching, you were all but whimpering in his lap, but he cut the moment short with a sharp slap against your ass before he helped you up. Henry acted as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened as he pulled your leggings back up, but this glare became colder when he found your eyes.

He bent down and spoke into your ear, "He could've done a better job"

Completely under his spell, you bit your lip and furrowed your eyebrows. "I don't think I would have been able to take any more"

"That's not what I said" Henry shook his head.

"Look at you being an expert" you teased, relishing in the fact that he seemed eager to keep things going.

"All I'm saying is that if you had asked someone else-" Henry laughed, stroking your cheek, "Things would have turned out much more different"

"Oh" you pouted, ready to tease him further. "Who should I have asked-"

Just when you started getting comfortable and confident enough to push things further, Henry's phone rang. "I don't have to take that" he shook his head when he heard you stopped talking.

"Just see who it is" you giggled, slapping his shoulder.

Before doing so, Henry grabbed your chin and kissed your forehead, his touch drawing you in like a magnet as you leaned into him when he pulled away. With a sigh, you eventually crawled off his lap and then your face fell with disappointment when Henry showed you the screen of his phone.

"Yeah?" he huffed after picking up, his boss being the last person he wished to talk to right now.

You watched him closely as he listened to whatever the man was saying, and almost whined out loud when Henry frowned annoyed.

"I'll call you back in 5, ok?" he asked and after a couple of seconds hung up.

"I'm so sorry-" Henry sighed, turning to you, "I gotta go take this, there's a problem with one of the radars, I need to go see if I can fix it remotely"

"Sure thing" you shook your head. "But please tell me you don't have plans tonight"

"I don't" Henry leaned towards you and again, kissed your forehead. As much as you loved the sweet gesture, it was now more than ever that you craved something else entirely.

"And please don't forget about me again" you giggled, grabbing his biceps and stopping him from leaving without a promise.

"I won't" he sighed, "I'm really sorry about that. I'll make it up to you"

"However I want?" you beamed and licked your lips.

"Absolutely" Henry smiled, sweetly embracing you before walking you to the door.

You had his word now, and you were planning on making it count. There was no way either you or Henry would act as if nothing had happened, and you couldn't wait.

Once alone and seated at his desk, Henry opened up the text editor associated with the code he wrote months ago. When his screen was flooded with errors and his chat popped up with three different messages asking for help from his colleagues, Henry all but yelled out loud in frustration. Not only did he wish to be with you, it was also Sunday, one of his days off. But he couldn't just text the pilot of the plane whose radar went berserk and tell him to wait. So he got to work, determined to get this done as soon as possible.

But unfortunately, that 'as soon as possible' turned into 3 hours of continuous work. He didn't even stand up to go to the bathroom until he made sure everything was on point. It was about 4pm when the program started running smoothly again, and seeing how he had a few more hours to waste until he had to see you, Henry decided to make the best of them, by getting a head start on his tasks for the following day.

Productivity flowed through his fingertips as he solved the first issue he had been assigned for the day to come, getting ready to start working on the second one when a call caught his attention. He didn't recognize the ring tone, and it only dawned on him that he was still logged into your facebook account a couple of seconds after it stopped ringing.

Still curious, Henry switched the tabs on his computer, noticing that the chat with Steve, which he left open hours ago, showed that there was an ongoing video call. His jaw fell. Henry tightened his hands into fists, fuming with anger. First as you for doing this, and then at himself for allowing you to believe this was an ok thing to do. He knew there was no way to eavesdrop on your conversation even if he had the password, but that didn't mean his curiosity died down. No, it only grew stronger.

He felt lost for a minute, but then he thought of something. On his dresser, right next to his winter gloves and under his favorite jogging hat, laid an extra set of keys. Henry remembered the day you gave them to him, saying something along the lines of 'I feel much safer knowing that if something were to happen, you could always get to me, Henry.' and then remembered how you stuffed them in his pocket, and kissed his chest before stepping back. Such different times.

There was no trace of hesitation inside his mind as he grabbed the keys and made his way out of his home. He passed the hallway in less than a second and pressed his ear to the door. It was perfectly quiet, and through the peephole, he couldn't see any light. You weren't in the kitchen or living room, so he felt confident enough. After putting his phone on vibrate, Henry ever so gently pushed the key inside, turning it inside the lock with the most meticulous movement his wrist could muster. The sound of the door knob being turned was so faint he barely even heard it, but his pulse skyrocketed when he heard the click that signaled the door was finally open.

With small, careful steps, he made his way inside. The entire apartment was dark and quiet as he made his way in, stopping just outside your bedroom as the relaxed, deep voice of a stranger became audible through the wall. “Trust me, sweetheart. Just relax, I got you. You’re all tense, I can see it from here. You know I have more experience with this than you do, just do as I say”

With one hand on the doorknob of your bedroom, Henry was ready to put an end to this whole charade. He knew he might regret it later, but he didn't care. The image of a so called friend, pushing you to do anything that you seemed to have clearly stated your discomfort about, flipped a switch inside his brain. There was no stopping him because no one, no one got to push you around like that. Not while he could do anything about it.

#henry cavill #henry cavill imagine #henry cavill x reader #henry cavill smut #henry cavill fics #august walker x reader #geralt of rivia x reader #walter marshall x reader #ahh #a helping hand

1K notes · View notes

vargaslovinghours · 3 years

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“...pretty sure I’m most of the way out of Vargas brainspace...”

Well, huh. Second verse, same as the first!

Was thinking quite a lot about their “first kiss” from Parent-Teacher Night - I realized afterwards that Edgar would almost certainly be wearing something much more suited to the occasion! If it’s going to be perfect, it’s gotta be ✨Perfect✨

Oh yeah, he can just do that. I actually had a lot of Hunchback-themed doodles, spanning probably a full page between my main and alt. notebook. I only realized very very recently looking back that I initially set it up to be a movie they see After but then doodled a bunch of stuff as if they could still share dreams, that’s not how that works at all!

I’ve gotten surprisingly good at drawing him just with my index finger lol. Sometimes a bad mood is best channeled through a judgmental Scriabin

I wanted to try out a bunch of different sitting and laying poses on the couch and made this for a base. They’ve got such long legs, it’d be all too easy to squish the other if one of them decided to stretch out hehe

Another Pearlcatcher Scriabin, as a test for my new notebook. Notebook did not make the grade, but he did turn out cute ♥ What a polite sit, folded wings and all. Wonder what element he’d breathe, hmm

More paper testing, ended up with a couple Edgar comparisons. I miss my old paper!! It’s hard to tell since I drew in the upper margin for the tests lol, false unlined

I might finish the present exchange minicomic yet, but if I don’t I’d hate to just leave it hanging! This is how I make doodle notes lol, the order is a bit all over the place. Edgar’s gift was a double scarf! It actually unbuttons into two matching scarves but it’s not immediately obvious so it just looks like a super-long scarf, made to be shared whether separate or together :) Plus a couple bonuses of Scriabin wearing his very terrible mask and the two of them sharing the scarf :D

Ambidextrous practice and an older idea of Scriabin being able to pronounce keysmashes lol, it’s good letter practice! Edgar is very disturbed, how are you making those noises with your mouth

King Edgar! Was feeling a bit saccharine, but could just as easily be about competing royalty, guess he won the battle for the crown. For now...

Pot calling the kettle black, there. Unjustified egoism? Unheard of!

The original-original sketch of this WIP, I don’t need a lot to go on for my brain to remember what I meant lol. I actually still rather like how the skeleton of his fingers are shaped, it’s a nice wide, stressed expression

I edit out most of my notes ‘cause they’re either this or memery lol. Puffed out cheeks are too cute!

I like Lady!Edgar quite a lot, obviously lol. I wanted to draw her in the cardigan because Edgar was cute in it and wouldn’t you know, that carries over! Edgar’s cute throughout his iterations haha. I feel the same about Lady!Scriabin as well, in one of my sketches I described her as “puckish” lol

Playful closeness, Edgar is not interested lol. I was mostly thinking about hip posing at the time, like meeting at one point and separating out from there. Tied at the hip!

Back to what I was doing before, nbd. The amount of unfinished kiss doodles I have....look, okay- I also think it’s funny that with unfinished blushes their faces end up darker than their hair lol

Speaking of - back when I was first practicing drawing kisses, the alignment was probably the hardest part. Convincingly making it look like the lips meet is hard! But then the reality of the situation occurred to me, Edgar’s not particularly practiced at kissing so maybe the combination our inexperiences would result in such a situation lol

Probably my favourite frame from Where are you now, he looks so intense even though he’s immediately going to pop into panic, ahh the contrast. I also originally used hard-edge vectors at a much smaller scale, but I intended soft and shined eyes from the beginning

Just pick him up and carry him like a teddy bear lol. Just wait til he kicks out his leg and they fall on each other lol

Spacefiller fluffy Scriabin. I keep wanting to draw flowers but I keep forgetting about flower crowns! I just like pinned back hair too much I guess

Oh no not a hug trap! Insidious, however will he escape

Someone gently touching Edgar’s face - I ended up liking how the sketch looked too much to want to finish it lol. Who could it be?

Brief return to the TGWDLM crossover, it hits randomly. I never drew the Apotheosis meeting Edgar, and it’s still not exactly how I’d imagine it happening (or what I’ve written) but I thought it was interesting anyway. Edgar’s always gotta be crying, that’s a requirement

A!Edgar is so cloyingggg, it’s never not weird

Definitely not

Fighting over symbolism. It took me a while to think it over fully, but I think the scariest part about Apotheosized!Edgar is that he’s not afraid to hurt Scriabin at first. He’s much closer to a stranger with Edgar’s face, but that’s kind of a big deal lol

Finally a lack of glasses that makes sense lol. Easier to just grab his face than point him in the right direction and hope he sees

Some Convalescence Scriabin mouth shape practice for funsies. My mouth expressions tend to be rather subdued and since he was both already on my mind and more prone to big expressions, he seemed perfect for it. I really like “E” lol, he looks so proud

Eye, or lack thereof practice, a bit torn at the outer edge. Kinda reminds me of Invader ZiM in a bad way lol, I might return to the spiral-looking socket instead if I draw them again, I like the weird smooth texture but it’s hard for me to pin down with pencils

A silly little idea of Scriabin flying into him and falling over lol. “Hey Ron. Hey Billy” lol. Edgar’s just given up entirely

So that’s September through mid February! I honestly didn’t expect to still be doodling them so often lol

#💟#Doodles #Sketchdump #Art #Scriabin #Edgar #Todd #Shmee #I made the first draft of this and complained there weren't as many as last time and then made a bunch more sketches lol #The new pencils definitely had a big impact on that .3 is just more fun to make sketches with #Anyhow - a little more light abuse and a good bit of Edgar/Scriabin #Honestly I probably have enough of those to make a similar kind of sketchdump just about those two sheesh #Not like they don't already make up most of these anyway lol #They're also a little out of order so if there are some style jumps that's why #There's another short TGWDLM crossover section too - wonder if I should tag the various continuities #Sketchdumps are always a grey area lol #I have way too much trouble backtracking and finishing old ideas so new ones just keep piling up lol #It's a rich well that's for sure lol #I said the same last time and nothing's come of it so far but there really are some that I'd like to finish!#That's just the hardest step is all lol #Oh and I learned from last time - some of these will look better on the quickdash they shrink on the permalink for whatever reason #I tried to make 'em decently size-friendly but some are smaller than others

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theburialofstrawberries · 3 years

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The Terror if the cold boys were contestants on a season of RuPaul's Drag Race. Would love all your opinions but here are some scenarios

Crozier and Blanky as the queens from the Mid-west, wary of the New York and LA queens

JFJ (new york queen) and Crozier enemies on sight when JFJ calls Crozier's entrance look "busted". Crozier thinks JFJ is a no-talent instagram queen. This is tested when JFJ wins Snatch Game playing Britannia the national personification of Britain, sticking to her guns even when Ru tells her point-blank during the werkroom walk-through "I think you're in trouble"

Queens have to vote for various titles including "Trade of the season". Pretty much everyone votes Solomon Tozer except Crozier who admits aside to Blanky (mics pick this up) that she voted James Fitzjames. Crozier is like, "I hated to do it I don't even think she looks GOOD but whatever it was the principle of the thing" and Blanky is like [takes a pause from beating her face] "Literally what are you talking about"

Half of JFJ's confessionals are her complaining about how New York queens are oppressed for their talent and how Blanky and Crozier think they're too good to mingle with the other queens

Blanky and Crozier one hundred percent think they're too good to mingle with the other queens. One hundred percent

Edward Gibson is the queen who is repeatedly instructed by the judges to show variation in make-up because she's always coming out in a smoky eye that makes it look like she's got lead poisoning. And in the next runway you know what she does? Comes out in a smoky eye. Girl

Hodgson is a whiny filler queen but the episode she gets eliminated she gets a nice edit about her accepting lesbian aunts who took her in when she had to run away from her homophobic family. So when she does get eliminated it's like "I wish you well" and not "Fucking finally" though it's a little that as well

Sir John Franklin new york queen legend been performing for 15 years is sent home FIRST. Everyone is gagged. Her partner Lady Jane writes a long twitter thread accusing SJF's agent of pressuring SFJ to take part when she wasn't mentally ready, the other queens of sabotage, and RuPaul of ageism

When Hickey make her entrance everyone is like ? Who she lol never heard the name. Keeps to herself, turns out under-the-radar slutty looks, solidly safe for the first half of the season until she has to lip sync for her life (Crozier put her after Blanky in the line-up for the roast challenge) and then something snaps and her confessionals become deranged. After one werkroom walk-through she says "I think RuPaul wants to fuck me." The most followed queen on Instagram of her season

Hickey tries getting Goodsir to stitch her garment in the sewing challenge by confiding she thinks Goodsir is the frontrunner. Goodsir says, pin in his mouth and not even looking away from the sewing machine, "That works on people? Successfully?" Becomes a semi-niche semi-well known reaction image

Goodsir edges out Blanky for Miss Congeniality in her season but Blanky turns out a memorable lip sync on a peg leg (Category was "Yo Hoe Hoe") and is swarmed by all the contestants when she is asked to shantay away. The most self-assured of all the contestants, fan favourite, even had Michelle Visage make excuses for her bad runway looks

Crozier is the dark horse. Middling / bottom for the first half, comes up from behind in the second half to win it all. Reveals after her first win in the workroom that she has never been this sober for this long and she intends to keep at it .... JFJ goes up to her after that and hugs her. They are friends after this

Later when the queens are all talking about their families you can see her in the background telling Crozier something that the mics can't pick up. They are inseparable after this

When it comes to the final lip sync for the crown, Crozier doesn't turn it out exactly....but Hickey basically hands her the crown when she makes the bizarre choice to not lip sync to the song being played...but a totally different song....while standing in one spot and waving her arms like a conductor? Buzzfeed Youtube gets a conductor from the Vienna Philharmonic to react to the video, and the conductor's best guess is that Hickey is conducting Wagner's Das Rheingold. To this day half of Hickey's fanbase is truthers who believe Hickey was set up for the wrong song

#the terror #yes this is edward little erasure but i simbly don't think he has the joy to be a drag queen. I think he's out there somewhere in this AU l #MANY more thoughts on this including JFJ and Hickey returning for All Stars and JFJ eliminating Hickey the clear frontrunner with her chose #and the Hickey-JFJ-Crozier love triangle that exists only in Hickey's head #that Hickey keeps taunting JFJ about and JFJ is like ? he literally lives with me you know this right #anyway I wrote all this instead of watching S13E14 because bob and monet havent come out with their Ruview yet #rpdr

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breathings-of-the-heart · 4 years

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Imagine Levi Confessing his Love for You

A/N: THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT PLEASE READ THE TEXT BELOW BEFORE PROCEEDING THANK YOU :))

HERE IS A TIMELINE / EXPLANATION / BACKGROUND INFORMATION BECAUSE CASE THE TIME SKIPS OF THIS STORY ARE CONFUSING: I’m sorry for that everyone, I know the dates are sloppy and as a whole this fic doesn’t make too much sense; I tried to edit this piece as best I could to make the story as easy to follow as possible, but seeing as I can’t unpublish part 1 or 2, the cleanup still leaves things bit unclear. These imagines were originally chapters of a longer Levi x Reader fic that I decided to discontinue, which is why there are so many loose ends. Here was my original intention for this story, broken down for the few who choose to read the Author’s Notes lol.

We are going to do this in the order of the 3 part fic (I also put attached all the links to the titles)

Part 1: Imagine Relating to Mikasa About Loving Someone in the Military

The scene is set during the events of SEASON 1 of Attack on Titan, BEFORE the Female Titan Arc. (Y/N) was also hand selected by Levi to be part of the original Special Operation Squad; she bit her hand at the dinner table along with Petra, Gunther, Eld, and Oluo to show their dedication and understanding towards Eren wayyy back in the beginning of the series. The Survey Corps is making preparations for their first attempt to go to Shiganshina since the Fall of Wall Maria and not only uncover the mole who killed captive titans Sonny and Bean, but also to get to Eren’s basement.

Part 2: To Love Another

The flashback and opening scene in the beginning of this writing piece (where (Y/N) and Hange are talking to each other) occurs shortly after (Y/N) wakes up in the infirmary room, before anyone breaks the news that she, aside from an injured Levi, is the last surviving member of Squad Levi after Annie killed the others in the Forest of Giant Trees in her female titan form. Hange’s intentions were to bring the (Y/N) and Levi together so they would be able to support each other during this mutual loss. But alas, (Y/N) accepts his rejection and the two suffer the aftermath of this tragic news alone. To read this arc for context/bonus content to get a better understanding of this mini series, see my posts (as a sort of prequel, if you will) Imagine Levi Finding you Injured on an Expedition and Imagine Being the Last Member of Squad Levi To Survive to fill that time gap :)

In real-time, all of Season 2 and Season 3 Part 1 have gone by with limited interaction between (Y/N) and Levi. This part of the story is occurring during Season 3 PART 2, (spoilers) after the Coup D'etat, and after Historia becomes Queen. (Y/N) is no longer an active soldier, having sustained injuries too severe to be reliable in combat. She remains useful to the Corps as a battle strategist, however, which allows her to stay. The Scouting Regiment is currently preparing to go to Eren’s basement in their second attempt, knowing Reiner and Berthold will be waiting for them there.

Part 3: Imagine Levi Confessing his Love for You (YOU ARE HERE)

This part takes place pretty much a week or so after the events of “To Love Another.” It is revealed how much (Y/N) has isolated herself in the months between Parts 1 and 2 from not only Levi, but Hange, the only one besides Mikasa who knew about her feelings for Levi prior to their falling out. (Y/N) confesses her feelings for Levi before the mission to Shiganshina in Season one, and the fic parallels itself and comes full circle once their final interaction occurs before the second and final mission to Shiganshina, for which, (Y/N) is unable to go for her death would be almost certain. She seen to be more valuable inside the walls, where she can carry on the duties of the Survey Corps should the entire regiment collapse during the mission. This is the final part :)

I HOPE THAT CLEARS THINGS UP!

requested by @a-single-uwo @dracq and @little-diva-gurl and a lovely anon who def isn’t the happiest that this took so long. Deepest apologies! Hope this was worth the wait. I also hope this post finds everyone safe and in good health during these crazy times <3

~~~~~

Dread bottled up in the bottom of your stomach, which threatened to fall down to your knees. Even Hange’s eyes brimmed with concern when she informed you that Levi requested your presence in his office; all of which was out of the blue, uncharacteristic, after months of him being accustomed to giving you your space.

Feigning annoyance, you stared at the soldier dummy two paces ahead, dented heavily with the marks of your punches. The sun was beating down on the early autumn day, and heat waves rose from the ground. It illuminated the glistening perspiration sliding down your figure, torso rising and falling in short breaths of exhaustion.

Hange watched you carefully from a distance. She noticed your tense muscles, clad in a sports bra and boxing shorts; the lack of attire made it impossible to hide the sudden tension and stiffness embedded in your lean muscles, a tell tale sign of distress. As a creature of observation and analytics, the Squad Leader could sense your discomfort as if it was written across your forehead.

The brunette watched you wipe the sweat off your forehead and yell in frustration, turning towards her direction and moving to land a kick at her head.

Unfazed and in possession of sharp reflexes, Hange took a step back, only to watch as you twisted mid-air and landed a 360 Crescent kick to the dummy-shaped bag, which broke open on impact under the force of the blow. Sand poured out of its opening and spilled onto the ground in a steady stream that grew less heavy as the seconds passed.

“I’ll have to admit, you are getting better, but (Y/N), don’t get your hopes up,” Hange cautioned. “The problem does not reside in your muscles. No matter how well you learn to fight like you used to, Annie crushed your ribs and threw you to the ground: it's your lungs that will never recover. You can’t come with us to Shiganshina tomorrow like this.”

Hunched over with hands on your knees, you regained a regular breathing pattern and began to feel the explosive pain in your chest. Airways blocked, you began coughing, willing the oxygen to enter your body.

“Let me humor myself, Hange-san. If I don’t try, I might go insane.”

It was almost tragic that such a young soldier was out of commission; you were full of promise, rivalling Mikasa in skill. Hange knew you were itching to do what you trained for your whole life: Coming to Shiganshina and putting it all on the line had always been your number one goal. You didn’t want to be left behind again, to die bitter and alone without the only people you cared about.

“Regardless, (Y/N), you’re stalling,” Hange smoothly shifted the topic of conversation back to what brought her to you in the first place. “He still has that power over you, huh?”

"It'll pass eventually," you sighed, hoping the words were true.

You bowed towards the tall female. She smiled in return, shaking her head softly.

Whilst pacing away, said person stopped you once more.

“(Y/N). For what it’s worth, I stand by what I said before. Don’t look so nervous, okay?”

Her words replayed in your head, a haunting ghost of the not-so-long ago past. Time was strange, that way. It seemed like everything happened yesterday yet in another lifetime, all at once. “He loves you, more than he’s ever loved anyone. Surely you know that.”

Stupid, you thought, how I might have believed it once.

As you made your way down the hall, numbness crept into your body once again. You were too proud to admit you were afraid, especially with the Section Commander’s radiating sympathy, but everyone knew the once friendly dynamic between you and the Captain transformed into one more distant and cold. With each step towards the door, you felt the icy chill grow and that fact alone shook you to the core.

But it didn’t matter, seeing as Levi was of superior authority. There was no way around it.

Your hand shook as it raised to knock.

~~~~~~

“Name and business,” Levi spoke, voice muffled by the closed door.

“It’s (Y/N), sir. I was hoping to speak with you.”

There was a pause, and in that time you considered the option of fleeing back to your room and retreating back to a life of emotional safety, normality. It wasn’t too late to forget.

It had been a week since you spoke to Mikasa on the rooftop, after realizing the deep shit your heart decided to put you in. You didn’t think Levi would notice the distracted nature of your behavior-- tried to make it as subtle as possible whilst you figured out what you felt for him.

But before you could explore other options, Levi muttered a stern “enter.” You knew with the first expedition back to Shiganshina tomorrow, and the prospect of death closer than it has ever been on a mission, it was now or never.

The room was dim, small, warm, and thick with building tension. Shadows danced across the Captain’s face, sharp features lit by an orange flame. Only candlelight, sourced at his desk, assisted your adjusting eyes.

Your nose was hit with the smell of tea and cleaning products upon entry. This fact made you smile despite your bundling nervous energy. It was a familiar place, filled with memories of late night conversations (granted, of mostly you speaking and him listening), witnessed only by the large piles of paperwork. It started here and resulted in a natural, growing fondness kept secret to all except you two and the moon looking in from the window.

This man was your squad leader, your commander, your trusted comrade. There was no need to be afraid-- Not unless of course, you held the potential to shatter such damn a delicate relationship.

And you did.

Was it worth it?

Your gaze gravitated towards the center of the room where the Lance Corporal sat. And in that instant, your smile evaporated instantly. He placed his pen down, gracefully resting his cheek on his fist and lazily tossing the raven locks out of his eyes-- they landed on you, piercing yet drowsy and indifferent upon first glance. He was beautiful, as always. The allure was nearly sickening; unfair to the rest of the world.

Looking closer, however, he was anything but relaxed. The observant eye could see his countenance stirred something different. He seemed sharp and focused, ready to dart out and wrap himself around your heart, squeezing tighter with every breath you took. And you felt it-- the heart palpitations, which got worse at the sight of him.

He seemed… different. Dangerous, like a storm stirring in the distance, and the inevitable downpour that comes with it. The dark circles under his eyes told tales about the insomnia; a fresh cup of caffeinated black tea even rested on his left, steam rising out of it. And whilst attraction was undeniable, your concern always came first.

Levi was never quite good at getting proper rest before a mission.

“(Y/N),” The word was breathy, yet his voice was rough.

You shuffled in your spot, your name on his tongue making your stomach churn with desire.

Levi seemed to pick up on your affliction, getting out of his chair and gliding towards you. Everything happened fast and slow all at once, starting off with a momentaneous rush of air and the collision of your back with the office wall. A small shriek filled the air, out of place against the silence; was that your voice? The pain should’ve been there, but it wasn’t.

Then the seconds dragged out. Levi was a new person, setting your skin aflame as he gripped your wrists and pinned them against the wall. His lips brushed your eartips, which turned red the instant the raven’s breath fanned over them. This normally reserved, disciplined man unleashed something you had never seen before.

“Finally ready to talk to me about why you’ve been acting so strange, brat?” he whispered.

This wasn’t supposed to be so dirty. He was angry, but the mood was established in layers: something more sinister existed beneath.

The scent of fresh pine filled your nostrils until your brain went foggy. Levi was close--so close, and with the fact that you’ve been avoiding him mixed in with the fact that you missed him for it, all bets were off: there was no stopping the words that came out of your mouth next.

“There’s something I need to tell you,” you whispered back, looking him dead in the eyes, no fear this time.

His grip on your wrist slackened.

“Hm?”

You took in a deep breath, ready to leave it all on the line, and spoke.

“I like you a lot, sir. And not in a comradery type of way. I-I just thought I’d tell you before, you know, we leave tomorrow.” Your gaze found the floor again, too timid for your own good. But the statement was said, and it was finite; there was no turning away from it.

The Captain’s eyes went wide and gleamed brightly at you. His chest felt lighter and as he looked down at you in speechless awe, staring at anything but his face in your adorable embarrassment, he realized exactly why your absent look irked him those days ago. Why your lack of enthusiasm and lighthearted-ness gave him a strange sense of frustration.

Levi never felt more awake, more hyper aware of his surroundings.

The feeling of your chest pressed against him, the heat of those rosy cheeks, the pounding within his ribcage, the moon hitting your pretty face. With your figure in his arms, after the blissful seconds passed, everything felt, for once, okay.

Until it wasn’t.

Gaining the courage to look back up at him, you all but tore apart at the scowl on his face as demons flitted through his beautiful brain and polluted the image of happiness. Levi grew more indignant by the second, all but throwing your arms he held back at your sides like they were poison to the touch.

Tears pooled in your eyes as the soft expression you didn’t get to see turned sour, disgusted-- the Captain’s lips curling into a snarl as he imagined what he could lose if he opened up his heart for this girl in front of him to take. The risk and pain of falling for someone, in the world the two of you lived in. And all the stoic man could think was how he allowed this charade to come so far.

No, he wouldn't allow it.

“Get out, (L/N)” he commanded, harsh and unforgiving.

You were trembling, body feeling detached from reality as it moved, convincing itself that it was simply a nightmare. Levi’s cruel demeanor all but shattered you as you looked wide-eyed and his anger grew, the short man pacing behind his desk and bringing a hand over his face. His free one crumpled into a fist, knuckles turning white as he slammed it on the wood, the loud bang making you jump; the fear, grief, confusion coming all at once until it choked you and your vision spotted black.

“I said GET OUT!”

The room stilled and Levi looked up to face you cowering near the door, a single tear rolling down your cheek. He stilled at the sight, the weight of his words dawning upon him.

“I-I’m sorry,” you gasped before racing out of the room.

Had you looked back, you would’ve seen Levi’s outstretched hand betraying his body, desperately reaching out for you, gray eyes filled with pain.

But you knew now you’d never be dumb enough to spare him that second glance-- and maybe that was the right call, seeing as his feet moved in the direction you left, only to shut the door left askew in your wake.

~~~

The Captain’s gaze was on you more than necessary, but it was clear the two of you had the same thought: You focused everything into this discussion, melting into the emotionally-detached soldier your duty commanded, just like Levi did. His words had no ulterior motive, no deeper meaning. They were monotonous and empty.

Or so you thought.

Levi stood up the second you came in, but your gaze fell to the ground in submission.

“Hange said you needed to see me, Captain?” your voice was small and weak; you kicked yourself for it. How pathetic.

“Damn you...”

The man said nothing more, brushing his fingers along your cheekbones and you everything hit you like whiplash, the memories. Levi ran them along your face, down to your chin to lift it gently, so that for once you’d let your eyes meet instead of looking at the ground like a coward.

When they did the man’s breath hitched in his throat, because although your (eye color) orbs were no longer as vibrant, they were still beautiful and entrancing; why hadn’t he ever appreciated them before?

"I missed you, brat," he spoke firmly.

You felt a churn in your abdomen as you watched his eyes study the details of your face and take in every feature, committing it to memory painfully slow. You were paralyzed, his face inches away from yours and forcing buried emotions to resurface as months of restraint came undone. He didn’t speak, holding you delicately after not being this close for far too long and discerning what he’s been missing.

“Um, Captain? What are you...?"

You bit your lip, feeling puzzled and confused as you remembered the hate in Levi's orbs the last time you saw him like this.

All you could see now was how quickly his emotions shifted from serenity to fury that fateful night, and as you recollected the way Levi lashed out, all chaos and fury, he retracted his hand.

And you flinched away.

The Captain froze.

“Don’t-- don’t fucking do that,” he growled, his urgency startling. “I would never hurt you, (Y/N).”

Your eyebrows furrowed, all inhibition thrown out the window the second Levi’s countenance flashed with hurt at your response to his touch. You let your fear go and emotions free at the irony of the raven’s statement. Your mind went into overdrive, recounting every instance you wanted to give up and leave, drown in yourself, give up on finding purpose in the aftermath of rejection and Squad Levi’s death and your permanent injury changing your way of life. Things you faced alone, because instead of rekindling any semblance of a relationship, Levi tossed everything away and berated you for feeling.

The man who resided here cut your heart expertisely like the countless swords he wielded then disposed. He did not have the right to look at you so kindly; did not have to right to fan the flames of false hope. But here he was, procrastinating until the very last day to take initiative regarding those actions.

“Why are you doing this?” you whispered, forgetting your composure.

“I’d advise you not to speak in riddles,” Levi spoke in a low and even voice, no real malice as he addressed you and tucked a loose strand of hair behind your ear.

You took a deep breath and fought to remain calm, grabbing Levi's wrist to keep him from touching you.

“Please don’t toy with me, or mock my feelings like this. Why did you call me here? You made it plenty clear how you feel about me, Levi. What else is there to say?" you begged, the lack of closure driving you insane.

This was the first time you used his name, an unprecedented amount of spite and pain expressed through it, because you wanted Levi to remember this moment. It was over: that time of feeling sorry and ashamed of yourself for being nothing other than human. The remorse was gone, and the heartache was fleeting.

“Tell me, dammit!”

His was overflowing.

“You want to know how I really feel about you, (Y/N)!?” the Captain shouted, voice rising because for a man who relied on impulse and action on the battlefield it was fucking frustrating, watching the woman in front of him live this way for the simple reason that he was not good with words. "The thoughts that go through my head when you can't even bear to look at me?!"

"No, that's not what I asked. I already know that you don't--"

"--Fuck this."

Relying on instinct to guide him, Levi leaned forward and kissed you.

The second his lips met yours, you melted on the spot, knees giving out beneath you. Tongue sliding into your mouth, Levi simultaneously lifted you into the air, feeling lightheaded as you moaned into him, eagerly returning the kiss. His hands were everywhere, grasping at your waist, clutching the back of your head, running down your thighs. You were in such a state of euphoria that nothing else existed.

Your own digits threaded through Levi’s raven locks and pulled needily, emitting a growl from his throat as he bit down on your lower lip. He reveled in the feeling of your legs around his waist as your soft lips worked against his own, hungry and relentless. The kiss was passionate and you’d imagined it a million times over, but this-- Levi successfully ruined you for any other man.

The need for oxygen pulled you apart, Levi’s strong arms keeping you in the air as his eyes remained shut; he pecked your lips once, then twice, savoring the moment until it mournfully passed.

He was hesitant to break the silence, but you deserved it. You waited long enough to hear the truth, and he knew his time was running out; you weren’t going to wait for him forever.

“(Y/N)...” he began to speak, forehead resting on yours as he panted softly to catch his breath. “I dreamt of you last night. I have been for days.”

“Levi--”

“--Just listen,” he interrupted, unable to stop himself from kissing you softly once more. “Neither of us are running away this time.”

You fell silent as the man let you down, pulling you into his solid chest as you buried your face in his shirt, patiently listening. His calm heartbeat thrummed soothingly in your ears like a metronome.

“Isabel, Farlan, Oluo, Petra, Gunther, Eld. They all knew that what they meant to me. And I them."

One of the only things that made it easier to say goodbye, you thought with a bittersweet pang in your chest.

"With us, it's different. I died in every dream, (Y/N). Every one. And in every single one, you lived on believing I never loved you. Call me selfish, but I...”

You pulled away from the stoic man, searching his gaze as he trailed off. Shyly, you interlaced your fingers, his larger hand enveloping yours and you prayed to whoever was listening upstairs that all of this was real.

“I just can't leave until you understand...”

He clutched you impossibly tighter, eyes squeezing shut.

"...that you, are everything."

~~~ Extended Ending ~~~

A soft hum filled the air, the tune dreamy and sweet as you repeated the melody once again. You smiled warmly as hands wound around your waist, pulling you closer to a toned and shirtless Captain Levi, silken sheets tossed haphazardly on top of the two of you. His breath sent goosebumps on your neck as he kissed your shoulder gently, warmth deliciously intoxicating.

Giggling now, you turned around to face him, the man’s onyx hair ticking you softly. You captured your lips in his with one smooth movement and snuggled closer, taking in the small slice of heaven that was home in his arms, legs tangled together. Feeling unbelievably content, like your heart might burst, you leaned forward and rubbed your nose against Levi's.

Although he wasn't smiling, the look he was giving you revealed his own sensation of happiness.

“I never thought you’d be the cuddling type,” you remarked devilishly, scrunching up your nose as you teased him.

Though your tone was lighthearted, you were painfully aware that the moment was ending. You internally cursed the sun as it started to set, orange light peeking in through the window shades to signal the coming of night. Levi said nothing, looking deeply into your eyes, and like always, it felt as if he could read the contents of your soul.

But it wasn’t vulnerability you felt: on the contrary, you knew you would never find as safe a place as here. With him. Finally.

“Levi...” you swallowed, humor all but gone. “Now you have to come home.”

To emphasize your point you sat up on the bed, legs tucked neatly underneath you as you stared imperatively at your lover.

“Mhm. We’ve wasted enough time,” he agreed, taking you by the wrist to pull you back on top of him, to bask in this personal paradise if only for another minute.

#levi ackerman x reader #lance corporal levi #LEVI ACKERMAN #snk #shingeki no kyojin #AoT #attack on titan #attack on titan imagines #attack on titan x reader #snk imagines #Captain Levi #snk season 3 #aot x reader #levi x reader #levi ackerman fanfiction #levi ackerman imagine

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chateautae · 2 years

Note

ok SO. ever since mid final came out i’ve been postponing it because … i didn’t think i could take it if i’m being honest with you. i’m not good at keeping track of time and i know that tumblr doesn’t show the dates even things were posted but after what i’m guessing has been a few months, i worked up the courage to finally finish the story.

i’m crying my eyes out.

😭 for a second there i thought i would get through it all without crying cause it was funny and cute and exceptional as usual but i was just enjoying the reading and the couple … but when they started to give their announcements. and tae said he had a surprise. and he started to give his speech.

everything about the way he highlighted the special moments and said that he would go through it all again just to be with her in the same way as that moment .., oh jesus i’m crying again

it’s so special to me and i seriously didn’t think i was gonna cry up until that moment where i just started bawling and i really want you to understand here how important that is. as a writer you’re already amazing and your goal is to connect with your audience and bring the tale to life and i’m here to tell you that having such an incredible way with words and being able to craft and convey your story in a way that touches others so deeply that it makes them cry?? even if they’re complete strangers? it’s a level of just. perfection that i can’t even begin to describe so i wanted to tell you as the author thank you and i’m really proud of you and it’s so so amazing that you’re able to bring such strong physical emotions out of others and i hope you realize how significant that is.

but yeah everything about that was perfect and oh god the ending with the hyyh and then their vows and the setting and the way you ended it was so beautiful and then you had to add that last sentence about peonies. thereby adding the last nail in my coffin. and your a/n was so short and sweet it made me cry TOO 😭 i knew more was coming in the epilogue but still. everything about this was so heartbreakingly perfect i miss mid so much already and it will always have such. a special place in my heart. i remember i started reading pretty early when it was posted? about chapter 5 i believe and i’m really grateful i was able to be here for most of the journey. i thank you for crafting such a beautiful story and i send you so much love!! i haven’t read the epilogue yet cause i’m already distraught enough for tonight (it’s 2 am lol) and i wanna convince myself that it’s still not over! but i will soon and i just know that it’s gonna be perfect. again i send you so much love and thank you for this masterpiece of a story <333

ps. idk if you remember the anon that recommended you xo by beyoncé and said that it fit the mid couple super well? that was me haha and i want to say that her song smash into you is thee most mid song in existence please listen to it and if you do get to this ask pls listen to it before you answer it and let me know what you think!! it makes me cry all the time and i think it fully embodies our lovely couple. also, there’s a duet version - look up smash into you duet on youtube it’s an edit/mashup with beyoncé and jon mclaughlin. i think the beyoncé version is best lol obviously but the duet version can be seen as our mid couple duetting together and the lyrics match them so perfectly i think it’s beautiful🥺 okay i wrote so much now i’m done but thank you again <33 purple you

It took me so long to reply to this message because wow... just WOW. I almost teared up reading this because the amount of love and just heart-warming words in this really got to me 😭 THANK YOUUU so much for dedicating the time to read mid and for joining me along the way, it's been such a wonderful journey and I'm so glad to hear you loved the ending!!!

UGH your words are just making me cry I'm so happy that as an author I really can do the one thing I've always wanted to do, which was reach people and just let them escape to an entirely different universe. It makes me feel over the moon knowing this couple is so deeply loved and it's wonderful knowing they made you feel like this. It's truly a blessing to hear these words and I can't express my gratitude enough for this, thank you for sending this lovely lovely message!! AND AHHH PLEASE THE LYRICS?? ARE SO BEAUTIFUL DEQDUQEB "me and you belong, I wanna run, smash into you" BEYONCE ALWAYS DELIVERS and yes loves ofc i remember you!! Haha you're the reason I legitimately added XO to my main playlist 😭

Thank you once again for sending this message, you actually made me reread the last chapter and I myself completely teared up and cried too because as an author there was just so much of myself I healed through the story and seeing where this couple ended up just reminded me all over again of why I ever started the series, so thank you anon, I hope I continue to receive your lovely lovely support in the future!! 💓💓

#anon #inbox #feedback: maybe i do #lovely little message 💌

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vaguely-concerned · 4 years

Text

The Mandalorian Chapter 11 reactions; the ‘the sea is a harsh mistress’ edition

- on first watch this wasn’t really one of my favorite episodes. I think it’s something to do with... one of the many things I love about the mandalorian is how it made the star wars universe feel HUGE. big and surprising and unknowable, there could be fucking anything out there man we don’t know. so having first bo katan show up and then ahsoka being set up right after (quite aside from who’s rumoured to play her, which is an entirely different can of wormy beans) in additon to opening the season on tatooine... eh. I’m not that into it, it feels like shrinking the world. we haven’t even gotten to see any other type of force user yet. it is only early/mid season tho so they’re probably going to pull some unexpected twists on us

my opinion might change with rewatches too, that happens quite a bit with this show!

🎶I’VE COME TO TALK WITH YOU AGAIN🎶

honestly I had kind of a hard day yesterday and watched this the next morning and kept pointing tiredly to the crest like ‘it me tho’

- I was unreasonably happy about seeing the calamari flan again hahaha he’s been keeping that shit in his pockets for a season and a half now (didn’t he pay with some at one other point too?)! also the sound effects for them are SO EXCELLENT, I keep thinking about how well this show does texture which is wild considering how it’s filmed

- the warm pat din gave frog lady’s arm when he thanked her and said goodbye 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 I love the small ways he’s thawing

my heart ached so much for him at this point, he just looks so small and tense and lost, like a kid who’s lost his parents in a supermarket

(he keeps his hand on the blaster the whole time too so he knows this is a bad scene but now they’re right out in the middle of the ocean already soooo)

- din’s very very very dry sense of humour is so blessed. ‘a bowl of chowder for my friend’ faklhfsadkjlfhsadkjhfsd

the baby’s look when he poked the squid thing with his knife too -- yodito’s like ‘dad is a wizard??’ haha. some good baby & dad stuff in this one

- oh din... side quest boy, side quest booooooyyy

- the shot when bo katan helped him out of the water is perfectly mirroring the scene of bb!din being pulled up to safety by the mandalorian in the flashback, which seems Very Intentional

I Extremely Do Not Trust Her in the larger scale tho. I think it’s important that din knows now that he was raised in a very specific offshoot of the mandalorians ant that there’s some Stuff he hasn’t been told, but I also think it’s crucial to remember that her pov is not unbiased either and she, in fact, already has an established tendency to selectively share information with him to manipulate him into fulfilling her goals. (which he realizes because he keeps saying ‘that is not my mission, my mission is the child’ and I could not love him more). hell, I’m not sure exactly how ‘the children of the watch’ were positioned within death watch, but she was fucking death watch too for the longest time! and she hardly left for particularly noble reasons, she just didn’t like maul! she already lost mandalore like twice, do we just have to trust that third time’s the charm or what!

she lied to him about the scope of the mission to force him into a position to do what she wanted (fully knowing he’s responsible for a child!!) and she called that ‘the way’ just as easily as the thing about not letting his bravery be forgotten! big red warning lights, NO! I think the thing is that din is having to find his own ‘way’ of being mandalorian (/how does one be a person exactly help?? relatable content, and he’ll get there in the end I’m sure he’s so good), but her way is no less fucked up to me than the children of the watch from what we’ve seen so far. she’s good at killing imperials though which is of course a mark in her favour

(considering that the episode gives her the epithet ‘the heiress’... yeah that’s probably a hint that she’s loyal first and foremost to her entitlement, getting the position she considers hers by right of inheritance. guess we’ll see if the text agrees with her)

- ‘mandalorians are stronger together’ yeah that’s probably why the cosmic balance makes sure they’re mostly engaged in being at each other’s throats lol

- so I might be feeling kind of sketch about these guys but on the other hand... when that one lady saved the baby and then promptly took off her helmet to reveal she looks like t h i s ?

you better BELIEVE I was ready to fall down on one knee and propose right then and there holy shit

- ...wow if he didn’t have the jet pack din probably would have just sunk like a rock and drowned there huh 😨 that armour’s pretty heavy, turns out

- in happier news: din has become so good at reading what the child is expressing and responding/labeling the feeling for him! that’s so important to his development! ‘I know you’re hungry’ and both telling and showing him there’s a solution! still a bit of an issue that he thinks he can inform the baby of things like it’s a reasoned adult and have it understand, but we’re getting there we’re getting there lol

- that poor lady guiding them in for landing and sounding more and more worried fhkasjdlhfkjsdlahf (and he fucking TURNS OFF THE RADIO or whatever he’s using to talk to her through sdkfhaksdfhjs he takes a precious split second just to cut her off asfdjhaslkdfsdfhsda I love my salty dad)

- when the fisherman asshole tells mando he knows where to find more of his people there’s the tinkling bell sound in the background music, I think it’s meant to convey almost childlike longing for belonging and connection, for finding someone who’ll know what to do?

- when they took off their helmets and baby looked up at din like ‘???dad what the fuck? can you do that???’. (or like he just sensed his father taking a shitload of psychic damage all in one go)

- the way din didn’t start breathing again until they got the baby up from the water and he had him in his arms... the way he held him... sladfhasdklfhsjakdhfjsakldhfsakjldhfsjkadhfjaskdhfskajdhfjsdakhfslakhfskladhfsakljdhfjskadlhfkjsld

that whole scene was like a nightmare, so desperately unpleasant, in a way it mirrors the way the mandalorians have been hunted down and pummeled these last few generations, this must sort of be what it feels like to him subconsciously

- din isn’t particularly inflexible as a person, after the initial kneejerk rejection he did listen to what they said and is carefully considering it (he did say ‘this is the way’ back at the end!)

- the baby’s babbling when he wakes up and looks around in the beginning sounds half like ‘baba?’ and I almost had a heart attack

- loved how greasy and awful and dumb all the empire dudes were (and the comedy on board the ship too it was good for me)

- the boob plates huh. shit they’ve shown with the armorer that they don’t have to do that in any way shape or form and they still brought the boob plates back :/ I guess it’s so they match up with the rebels/clone wars look, evoking that ~*era*~ and everything, but I don’t have to like it lol

- I feel so validated in my theory that the razor crest is symbolic of din’s sense of self (now with beautifully added commentary!) after this haha (and also so so scared now they might be ditching it for a new ship eventually). it’s in pieces, his world view is going to pieces and can’t be patched together the way it was before, from what he knows he’s about to deliver the baby to someone else who’ll understand/love/deserve him better (I do think that feeling is still in him) and he doesn’t even have the certainty of the code anymore to fill the void. oh buddy.

the discomfort I felt when we got back into the cockpit -- into where it’s supposed to be familiar and safe! -- and saw all the ocean junk lying around, making it feel weird and changed and dirty (it probably smells like rotten seaweed in there now :( no likey)... I mean it was also very funny to see the pilot’s chair held together with a literal fishing net, but please favreau leave my dad’s car/ego alooooone

- baby laughing his little bum off at din catching the small sea monster before it got him and then munching it......... the ‘there’s nothing in this world my dad can’t fix’ safe energy.......... I’m so scared we’re coming up on something din can’t fix

- knitwear in star wars: I didn’t know I wanted it, but I am ELATED with having been given it

- moff gideon’s amazing evil voice... back in our ears, in our hearts, I gleefully hate him

- at least din’s armour is clean again after that (awful) swim? one must appreciate some silver linings along the way I suppose

- din goes straight for the main pilot’s seat once they get the imperial out of it, so he must feel really secure that he’s probably the best man for the job; he is genuinely a good pilot! (and after this I am wondering even MORE who taught him. who raised you within the mandos din??)

- even while everything is new and scary and falling apart we can live safe in the knowledge that at least frog lady and frog husband had a good day and will have a good and happy frog life together with their frog children

couple goals tbh

(I don’t necessarily know how it works for frog people but I uh. guess they got busy quickly huh hahaha good thing mando didn’t turn up again until later)

#star wars #the mandalorian #the mandalorian spoilers #the mandalorian meta #I've mostly seen people love this episode so I feel a bit like a buzzkill about mostly being 'meh' about it but what can you do lol #I actively disliked a lot of the clone wars mando stuff so I'm biased I suppose

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crazytwentythrees · 3 years

Text

The Stairs of Tower Bay

Drabble, Word count: 299 words

A/N: Okay so, for context, this weekend I took part in (and qualified for the final round, yay!!) a college writing competition and this is based on one of the images provided to the contestants (I picked this weird black and white one with a set of stairs leading to a huge human mouth and a person walking up—your girl forgot to save said image haha). The words limit was 200-300 words and well... I had to write and edit it in 30 minutes and got it down to 299. But anyway, enjoy the story, there will be no continuation as of now.

In the middle of the woods, there is a staircase made of bone. No one knows exactly where it came from, or who built it, or why it defies gravity and floats in mid-air only to break off abruptly with no true destination. There are rumours about it, of course, but the stories had only disappeared over time.

No one had much interest in the weird staircase anymore, though. The world had changed too much and people had seen too many strange things to be worried about how the bones never eroded—how they stayed a stark white after so long—and how the trees never grew within twenty feet of the place. But I noticed. I noticed the dark sludge at the base of the stairs that stayed the same murky wine-red even on the hottest summer day. I noticed the eerie tug that made me want to walk up and climb those stairs.

What I failed to notice in the beginning, however, was the ghoul that became my shadow. Some say it was the founder of this town, of Tower Bay, that picked up the bones of a dead whale and built a shrine for the devil. They were probably right. Something about The Stairs sent a shiver down the back of my neck. There was something inherently evil about the place, as if someone—something—was always watching.

And when evil entities seem to be watching, one should probably stop doing what they’re doing. That was the first of many mistakes I made. The second, evidently, was trying to save the ghoul. If I hadn’t, then maybe Tower Bay would still exist and I wouldn’t be laying motionless in a pool of blood not entirely my own. The Stairs were a shrine. And I’d brought the devil out to play.

*cue my evil laugh* but anyway, I hope you liked it (this was my first time writing horror), and I might try editing some old short stories from when I was prepping for my GCSEs ages ago (bc some of them had pretty good plots even though I always went over the word limit) lol so you might get to read about how Ra-Ra-Rasputin died...or did he???

#horror #mini fic #drabble #short story #crazytwentythrees #my writing #stephen king #spooky #scary #creepy #thriller #suspense #mystery #writers on tumblr #writeblr #writing

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lokidiabolus · 3 years

Text

Last Resort - Chapter 2

Fandom: The Maze Runner

Pairing: Thomas x Newt

Warnings: ex boyfriends, AU

Summary: Three years after breaking up with Thomas, Newt finally thought the past of hating each other was behind them, until Thomas asked him for a favour - pretend they got back together for a week while staying at his parents’ home. Because it was an absolutely dumb idea, Newt was inclined to refuse, but then found himself in the house he used to visit when he was in love and happy and the bitter reality of only pretending for people he always liked made him miserable. But it was nothing against dealing with Thomas himself for a week straight and trying not to fall back in love that hurt them both.

Or: Prompt ch. 192 with added spice. Or something. I just needed to write for a while :’)

Can be found on Ao3.

Notes: I think I never did so much rewriting like I did with this chapter. I'm still not satisfied with it, but I swear my brain just can't come up with anything else. Scrapped like 6 pages asdfjslfjslfjsdl. Now it's short :c

Anyway, guess I just wanted a bit of Thomas' insight for it. He's complicated lol. Or maybe not really, just trying to keep up. Don't we all though lol.

Oh and @izzymultifan (actually remembered)

Unbetad!

EDIT: (17. 5. 2021) I edited the ending with a lil continuation of the scene I previously deleted, because I thought it was unnecessary, but then I returned to it after few days and thought it should stay. It's not very long but I guess it's kinda important.

***

Thomas woke up disoriented, thirsty and definitely not rested enough, like when his alarm goes off on a workday and he only slept for four hours. But here was no alarm, no work, just him waking up with a flinch and realizing he wasn’t in his flat, and he wasn’t alone either.

The blond hair right in his face immediately pushed him into realization he was holding onto Newt like he was his lifeline, one hand under the shirt on his belly, other on his chest clutching the fabric, and an unmistakable morning hello tenting his pants, digging right into Newt’s backside. In retrospect there wasn’t much worse Thomas could have done to him, except maybe having a hand down his pants (which admittedly he used to do sometimes when they were together, but then again, that situation definitely didn’t scream murder like it would now).

In a sleepy confusion that hazed his just-woken-up-brain he searched the foggy memory on how this situation came to be, no matter how familiar it felt to him. Newt made himself pretty clear about sleeping together, so the sudden closeness – well, more like an absolute merge, unless he’d slip in – no, no dirty thoughts, bad Thomas, bad – didn’t make much sense.

The night came back to him embarrassingly slow – he got drunk because for some reason his dad decided to decimate his super precious whiskey, even though normally he hoarded it like a dragon his gold. He could only think of Newt being the incentive, drinking the whiskey so fast in his dad’s eyes, while Thomas downed it all to save him from barfing (Newt’s alcohol tolerance never existed in the first place, he disliked about any kind of it, and as far as Thomas remembered he got drunk only once with vodka mixed with orange juice on Aris’ wedding, because he could barely taste the vodka in it until it was too late). Then the world started spinning, Newt dragged him to his room somehow… which sounded farfetched, so maybe dad helped, he drew blank around that area honestly, probably because he stood up and all the alcohol began circulating faster. Then they talked… probably, and then Thomas fell asleep, since that’s all he could recall.

And now his hard-on was trying to get some, and he held Newt against himself with sheer ferocity of an obsessive hugger off his meds and the realization dawned on him like tons of bricks. Was he going to wake him up if he let go? Newt always woke up at the slightest noise before, there was no way of going to pee at night without getting back to the blond blinking owlishly at him, asking what happened. Was this Newt he barely knew anymore still the same? Still twitchy and light sleeper and grumpy and slow to rise when getting up?

Thomas didn’t have much choice anyway, did he. He just had to let go either way, and preferably remove his hips from Newt’s back and act like it was no biggie to be hard when in bed with his ex. He slowly untangled his hand from the front of Newt’s shirt and retreated from under the shirt as well with the other hand and managed to roll onto his back without Newt visibly stirring, which was a success. Unless he pretended to be asleep to avoid talking to Thomas about pushing into him like a horny teenager, which also worked.

Not like he hadn’t been doing that in the last month of their relationship anyway, just... ignoring the problem until it went away (a problem named Thomas) and well, ultimately it succeeded. It would work now too, and Thomas refused to poke the wasp nest this early in the morning – judging from the clock at 8:04 – and just went with the flow.

Need coffee, he thought unhappily when the headache set in. And water. Maybe some alone time in a bathroom first.

Newt didn’t stir until Thomas slinked out of the bedroom, which was a complete lie.

***

“Dad, just drop it,” Thomas repeated for fourth time when his dad couldn’t stop haggling him about his childlike alcohol tolerance the moment he appeared in the kitchen, asking for black coffee. He couldn’t tell him he drank Newt’s portions and without that argument nothing would sound plausible anyway, so he just dodged it with an increasing headache. Newt got up about half an hour later and didn’t speak a word to him – Thomas would even say he avoided his eyes several times, which meant he was absolutely awake in the morning to witness all of Thomas’ struggle to even exist around him peacefully. Which he couldn’t for years, really, so this only proved it.

It was fine. Thomas learned how to deal with it, despite taking him two years to come in terms of being hated by a person he loved since he was 17. Well, everything around the breakup took a lot from him, but he dealt with all eventually, right? He could finally look Newt in the eye without having all the incoherent anger and frustration pile up and he could talk to him fine as well unless they breached one of the thousand forbidden topics. Like them. Like family. Like love. Like sleeping. Like breathing, existing and fucking just trying to live.

Anyway. All dealt with, of course. No hard feelings.

(Lots of them.)

“You dealt with the drunkard just fine, right Newt?” his dad chattered towards the blond, patting him on his back and Newt forced a smile and a nod. Thomas saw this particular expression too often to not recognize it and huffed while sitting down at the counter with his own coffee.

He was used to being a bad guy anyway, no matter how much of the blame he genuinely deserved. They both knew he didn’t get drunk because he wanted to get wasted enough to drop unconscious on a spot and Newt would be a hypocrite to badmouth him when he was pouring all his whiskey to Thomas’ glass with thankful expression yesterday. But then again, not even he could tell Thomas’ dad about it, so they just had to have this unspoken oh yes, Thomas is a real piece of work as always.

Which sort of sucked. But Thomas couldn’t care less what his dad thought about his alcohol tolerance, it wasn’t like he threw up everywhere or broke mum’s precious bowls set (again). Not that he expected Newt to defend him anyhow, but he could at least say nooo, he was fine, he just fell asleep or something. Not that it surprised him he didn’t, but…

“He used to drink majority of guys from my work under the table and now look at him,” his dad delivered his fifth Thomas can’t drink for shit jab. He sure loved to milk that. “At least he has you to look after him, huh.”

Thomas stared at Newt’s back with mild annoyance the more the blond refused to elaborate on anything, just smiling at his dad while making himself a cup of coffee, and then Thomas’s eyes suddenly fell on the nape of Newt’s neck with a vicious, red mark near the hairline, and his whole body seized up like he got paralyzed.

A hickey? Since when? From who? What? Wait, was Newt already dating somebody else?

Saying already like three years were short amount of time… Thomas mentally scolded himself and his body raised up on its own volition, like being pulled in by some invisible force towards the blond. He had no clue if it were a twisted need for revenge or vindication or just him being unable to come in terms of not being told or warned, or maybe all of it together, he just couldn’t stop and plastered himself all over Newt’s back, trapping him between his body and the counter, circling his thin waist like a vine (he got thinner for sure).

“Of course I have you, don’t I,” he purred into Newt’s ear, loud enough for his dad to hear perfectly, and felt how Newt’s whole body froze, his hand mid-stir of the coffee. Thomas could see how his Adam’s apple bobbed when he gulped. “Looking after me when I get hammered into unconsciousness.”

“Yeah.” Newt’s voice sounded small, and Thomas wanted to bite down at that red, angry place on his nape like an animal. His dad probably wouldn’t appreciate it, but his ego sure would. He let his hands slide lower, to Newt’s hips, grabbing a handful, and the habitual movement made him restless. He did it zillion times during the time they were together. He did less, he did more, naked, clothed, lying, standing up, in whatever situation, touching Newt was his privilege.

And some fucking horny prick just took it?

Just marked his boyfriend – ex-boyfriend, Thomas, ex-boyfriend for three years, pull yourself together, you’re not 17 anymore – like a property and he didn’t even fucking notice?

Newt’s breath hitched and the spoon he was holding dropped into the coffee, splashing the black liquid around it, dribbling down the drawers under, making the blond curse under his breath.

“Sorry,” he immediately said towards Thomas’ dad who was handing him a cloth to wipe it with, and started squirming. “Thomas, leggo. Can’t reach.”

“Don’t wanna,” Thomas refused, squeezing Newt even tighter. “I’m hangover and miserable and you’re supposed to take care of me.”

Thomas’ dad snorted but took the hint and retreated while calling at his wife the boys are being rowdy again, Anna! And the kitchen fell back into silence, except of their breathing, with Thomas plastered against Newt’s back like he wanted to topple him over (he sort of did).

“Do you enjoy being a bloody prick?” Newt finally broke the spell, pawing at Thomas’ hands to get them off, his voice an angry whisper. “What’s your deal, for fuck’s sake!”

“Hangover,” Thomas huffed, not letting go and to be completely honest, Newt wasn’t really trying as much, just slapping his hands half-heartedly. “Could’ve at least said I didn’t give you any trouble, I covered for you the whole night.”

“You gave me loads of it!” Newt started wiggling, and Thomas had to fight the urge to just bite down, mark any piece of skin available, to make the restlessness go away. “You were heavy as fuck, I had to carry you all the way to your room!”

“Yeah, and?” Thomas grabbed him lower, and Newt pinched his hand in revenge, which finally made him let go with sharp breath.

“Fuck you,” the blond barked at him with fiery eyes. “I don’t know what you are trying to prove but groping me is not on the bloody table, get it?!”

“Mhm,” Thomas rubbed the place Newt pinched him at. “Sure. No fun allowed, got it.”

“Fuck off!”

Thomas hated how Newt turned away and the hickey was so visible it made his insides churn. He used to talk about his problems a lot these past few years, so he could finally let go of whatever was holding him in place, unable to forget, and he thought he reached that point, that he was free.

Looking at Newt marked by another man… no. He was not. Still stuck, still the same.

Still angry and miserable.

Still… there.

***

The fact Newt refused to talk to him completely was an understatement. Thomas blamed his unsteady approach on the alcohol, because what else he could blame it on – his own feelings? He sodealt with those already, there was nothing that would make him see red.

Except of a hickey on his ex-boyfriend’s neck, that would do it. Apparently.

But still – it was the hangover that made him stupid, right. If he’d be completely sober and not aching anywhere and his mind clear, he would just… shrug at it. It was Newt’s business who he slept with or not, or who he let bite his nape like a dog (some young fucking idiot who thought hickeys are still sexy? Stupid shit).

Not Thomas’. Not anymore.

The more he tried to push it away from his mind, the more his mind pushed back, just pointing it out loudly every time he glanced towards the blond sitting on the couch in the living room, bundled in a fluffy blanket, fiddling with his phone.

He was fiddling with his phone a lot actually. Texting somebody?

The guy who left the mark?

Thomas felt the irrational anger seep into his consciousness again and he forced it back down with a frown. He knew asking Newt to help him to get his parents off his back wasn’t exactly a great idea (asking ex to be your bf again for a show just screamed trouble), but at the same time asking anybody else just felt… wrong.

Thomas had to admit he’d be able to go along with this only with Minho, probably. Because Minho was a born actor, he’d be able to breeze though this with ease and Thomas’ parents would like him for sure, because, well, everybody liked Minho, honestly.

Asking Teresa or Brenda was just… desperate. Because other than them it would be Newt and getting back together with Newt… well. Thomas could tell from the moment he saw him getting into his car in front of Newt’s workplace it was going to be tough for both of them.

Not much of a surprise so far climbing Mt. Everest would be easier than keeping his chaotic feelings under control.

“You need some fresh air,” his vision of Newt got obstructed by his mum in a frilly apron she wore unironically and he looked up to her with half-lidded eyes.

“I think I need chicken soup, actually,” he offered in response, because dragging himself through the snow outside now sounded like a death penalty.

“Air first,” she insisted, adamant, and turned towards Newt like an executioner. “Right, Newt? A walk would do him good.”

Newt looked at Thomas and Thomas just knew. He was doomed. Newt was going to betray him like Scar did with Mufasa and he’d enjoy it, he could see the glint in his eyes, just shining there, spelling revenge in big, neon letters.

Please, he mouthed at the blond in desperation and Newt tilted his head to the side and then his mouth curled up.

“Sure, that’s a great idea, Anna,” he signed the death certificate without an ounce of shame and relished in it.

Fuck you, Thomas mouthed again, and Newt sent him a condescending smile. Fuck him especially.

***

“You’re unusually quiet,” his mum casually pointed out like she didn’t just drag him out to cold ass weather while holding a knife (butter one, but that’s what made it scarier), despite his very vocal (or vocal sort of, too loud and his brain wanted out of his skull) protests.

“Hungover,” he reminded her bitterly. The snow under their feet crunched sharply and the noise was tearing his brain to pieces, like walking on a broken glass and he had no idea how much longer he’d be able to act like it wasn’t killing him.

“Well, it was nice of you to cover for him,” Anna shrugged like she didn’t just blew their cover with a killer one liner and Thomas probably shouldn’t have been as surprised. “Don’t think I’ve ever seen him drink.”

“That’s cuz he can’t drink for shit,” he mumbled with a frown. “Did dad notice?”

“No,” she shook her head. “He was too busy boasting about the partnership. It’s been some time since I’ve seen him so happy, you know how he hoards the whiskey otherwise.”

“Yeah, cheapskate,” Thomas snorted, and the noise sliced his brain painfully, like an instant karma.

“Think he was happy about Newt being back too,” she hit the nail on the head a bit too close to home and Thomas hated how his stomach lurched at it. “Well, you know him.”

“Sure is happy for not getting any grandkids,” he just grumbled and Anna patted him on his back.

“We still have Hannah,” she reminded him sweetly. “Maybe one day she’ll feel like having kids and force you to babysit for her two times a week.”

“Me? You’re going to be the grandparents, it’s your obligation to babysit!” The idea of taking care of Hannah’s kids made him scared for life, and they didn’t even exist yet.

“Pretty sure Newt wouldn’t mind,” she chirped happily, and Thomas loathed how right she probably was. Newt never really showed any kind of real interest in having kids or anything, but he never minded babysit for his own sister, and generally all the kids liked him.

Not that thinking about that had any merit anyway, since they split up with a point of no return. Maybe Newt already planned kids with the new person who left the distasteful hickey on his nape, or the person who he kept texting, and the more Thomas thought about it, the more his chest burned.

“Cherish him a bit more, would you,” she poked his arm. “Don’t think I didn’t notice you have some beef between you. Had an argument before coming here?”

Why the fuck is she so perceptive?

“A bit,” he answered quietly. “No biggie.”

“Set things right,” she plainly ordered him like he was ten again and had do her bidding. “I don’t want another sad Christmas.”

There isn’t going to be any Christmas for us, he wanted to tell her, but kept his mouth shut. At this rate, there wasn’t going to be anything for them, at all.

I really need some sleep.

***

Not very often did the morning come so peacefully, like a gentle spring washing over tired soul, leaving it invigorated. Thomas basked in the pleasantness of it, a quiet, warm and relaxed moment where he slowly woke up from a dream into reality still welcoming and soft like he never left the fantasy realm.

He took a deep breath, stretching, slowly coming to realize of contours of another body pressed into him, and under his hands and around his legs and under his chin. The soft blond hair came to view when he opened his eyes, with Newt draped around him needily, and his heart melted.

The first night in their flat. Their home. A place that only belonged to them, these walls and floors, and small kitchen and big windows, for them together. It came true, finally, inevitably, for Thomas to have Newt all for himself, to share his mornings, his evenings, his life with him. Nothing else could make him happier.

“You already up?” came a sleepy rumble from Newt’s chest, the hands holding Thomas’ waist slowly moved up, to his back, pushing them even closer together.

“Just woke up,” Thomas kissed the top of the blond strands, his own hands traveling over Newt’s back, right onto his butt, kneading it.

“Mmmm.” Approving sound doubled his endeavour and then Newt was slowly grinding to him, lazily, his lips stretched in a smile, reaching to pamper Thomas’ neck with small kisses. “This sure is nice, huh.”

“Love it,” Thomas agreed with the sentiment while grabbing Newt’s thigh and hiking it up over his hip. The blond softly moaned at the contact and Thomas pushed more into it, completely awake and needy and allowed. There was nobody that could hear them, scold them or gasp in shock like a puritan at them making out – just them, two lovers in their home, free to make love any time they wanted.

And Thomas wanted too much.

***

He never stopped wanting.

He woke to his room bathing in shadows, with the blanket twisted between his legs, his headache still present, even though in weaker state than in the morning, and his body wasn’t any less sluggish. The walk with his mum didn’t help him much, just added to his misery with freezing cold and nagging reality he couldn’t play this game any longer, which made him feel empty and unhappy.

He didn’t feel this unhappy in a while, it usually only came back when he heard of Newt about a year after the breakup. Every time his ex came back to his life, even when somebody only mentioned him in a passing conversation, Thomas’ chest set off that painful pang in it, like a trigger just waiting to be pressed, and he fell back into hollow kind of depression.

He got rid of it, somehow. He built walls around himself, he locked all of his twisted personality traits and pushiness and hateful behaviour away, he spent years searching for more he could fix, for all that made Newt unhappy with him, what made him leave Thomas after seven years without really talking about it.

He thought he managed to become a better person. He believed he could change the way he acted. He hoped if he ever talked to Newt again, at any point of their lives, he would be at least able to show him he wasn’t that ungrateful, lousy boyfriend anymore, that they could at least be friends. Somehow. Just talk normally. Just… exist in the same room without… Newt making that anguished face, like it hurt him still.

Thomas tried. But failed. Maybe it was just recurring theme of his life – to touch something wonderful, to taste true happiness, just to fuck it all up and lose it.

Maybe he was just obsessive. Suffocating.

Maybe making mistakes were rooted too deep in him to get rid of.

Maybe… it was simply impossible.

***

Newt was playing games with Hannah in the living room when Thomas came back down. Hannah made fun of him for sleeping all day like an old guy and his mum said something about hoping he didn’t catch a cold and gave him a bowl of chicken soup.

The strange, unattached feeling stayed with him since he woke up, and only doubled when he saw Newt’s neck marked by some fucker on display. His stomach churned at the implication there was this unknown guy waiting for Newt to come back home, who kept impatiently sending him texts that made Newt frown and smile in turns, like he just slowly sunk back into the problem they never resolved. Thomas felt disgusted with himself, and angry, and, when it came to it, immensely tired.

“Oh, you have the whole week free?” his mum asked suddenly, breaking Thomas’ bubble of trying to eat the soup like a mental case of lobotomy, and he realized there had been a conversation going in meantime and he didn’t catch any of it. Newt wasn’t playing the game anymore, though Hannah still furiously pressed buttons on her controller, and instead of it sat on the couch, turned towards Thomas’ mum at the table.

“Yeah, thought getting out of the city might do me good,” he answered her with a soft smile and the idea of another week like this sent Thomas into desperate mode. Even though it was him who forced Newt to take whole week off, because… he only had bad ideas, obviously.

“But there’s bit of a rush now, right?” he entered the conversation impulsively and Newt glanced at him with a raised eyebrow. “At work. Christmas and all that being close.”

“Yeah, it’s… a bit hectic,” the blond admitted, making Thomas’ mum go aww. “There’s lots of people taking vacations they didn’t spend yet, so we usually work crunch time.”

“Yeah, kind of same,” Thomas added. It wasn’t really a lie. But not the truth either. “And I know I said a week, but I’ve got some texts from work already, thought of going back tomorrow instead.”

Newt stared at him with an evident confusion, but Thomas knew at this rate they were going to crash and burn again if they stayed, and he didn’t want that. He couldn’t even trust himself to keep it civil when his blood boiled like in a bull taunted with red flag.

Except the red flag was an unknown nobody on the other side of the line of Newt’s phone.

And bed.

“Uh,” came from the blond. “No, wait. What? You…”

“We can visit again during Christmas,” Thomas offered a big fat lie, he almost bit his tongue at it. Christmas were a taboo, he knew mentioning it were already risky, but it gave him an out with his mum, so that worked at least. “When it’s calmer.”

“When is what calmer?” Newt still stared, Thomas said almost disbelieving, and he just prayed for him to play along and not act like he knew nothing about it.

“Work,” he answered stiffly. Too stiffly, he realized, since Newt’s eyes narrowed.

“Uh oh,” he heard Hannah interject, which meant he already failed in the mission to make this believable. Fuck.

“I need a smoke,” the blond announced instead of reacting and stood up sharply. Then shot Thomas a badly masked glare. “Keep me company?”

He wanted to say no but couldn’t when his whole family watched them like during tennis match. So he just nodded and followed Newt outside of the house while feeling like slapping himself.

***

“Care to explain or am I supposed to guess.”

The cigarette was lit, its fiery tip shone bright in the darkness of the porch once the automatic light shut itself because they weren’t moving like they rooted in the wooden floor. Newt was wearing his coat and Thomas only stood there in the long-sleeved shirt, which in retrospect was probably a mistake.

“I did explain,” Thomas said. “Just thought about work-,”

“No, you didn’t,” Newt stopped him immediately while crossing one of his arms on his chest while other held the cigarette like a weapon. “You said a week, so I took a week off. I’m not bloody leaving now. It’s my vacation.”

“I also said three days would probably be enough,” Thomas asserted. “And they are. I thought you’d appreciate it.”

“Why?” the blond demanded. “It’s not like I suffer here. I like this place. What’s your problem?”

That kind of question had no easy answer and Thomas held Newt’s eyes only for few seconds, before looking away.

“Am I the problem?” came another question, even sharper. “You just can’t stand me anymore, so you want to leave?”

“You know that’s bullshit,” Thomas scoffed. “Since when did I ever-,”

“No, I don’t know!” Newt interrupted him with raised voice and Thomas flinched. “I don’t bloody know anything about you anymore! You brought me here and expected what? War? Did you want us to fail?”

“Why would I want us to fail?” Thomas’ eyes widened in a shock. “What kind of fucked up logic would that be?!”

“I don’t know!” Newt barked. The cigarette he was holding was slowly fading away, the ash falling everywhere how he moved his hand. “But something’s up since this morning, so obviously you’re lying about work and I want to know why!”

Well, finding out his ex-boyfriend had a lover, or a sex friend or whatever the other person was definitely served as a wake-up call. Thomas couldn’t overlook it – he thought he’d be fine with anything, it had been years, but one fucking hickey and some fleeting texts and he just had the rising urge to tear the walls he built down and get angry and make Newt inevitably miserable, which he despised.

He fucking loathed it. And himself. And everything around him.

“Why did you even agree to come here?” he couldn’t help but demand. “Why did you even bother playing this stupid game when you have somebody home? You trying to make him jealous or it’s just your thing?”

Accusing – stupid Thomas, fucking idiot, just talk normally, what’s wrong with you – as always.

“What?” Newt’s eyes shot up, wide in honest surprise. His cheeks were red from the cold, or maybe embarrassment, Thomas didn’t know. “What are you talking about?”

“About that hickey on your neck?” Thomas pointed towards the incriminated spot and Newt’s whole body went rigid.

“A hickey…?” Newt’s free hand was touching the place now, his voice shocked. “You… ugh.”

“Look, it’s not my business, clearly,” Thomas rubbed his eyes tiredly, desperately trying to make an excuse for his own consciousness why he couldn’t look at Newt. “But obviously it’s causing you trouble with him, so. As I said. Three days are fine, we can leave now. Go back home. Forget about this.”

And forget about me trying to corner you, and me getting hard in the bed with you this morning, and me sounding jealous and lame, and me… just for being me.

“Are you fucking with me?” Newt’s voice sounded disbelieving. “Are you bloody serious right now? A hickey from some random guy appeared over night here? That’s what you’re saying?”

Overnight…?

“Overnight?” he asked a little dumbly, which forced him to look Newt in the eyes, where he saw hell unleashed. It made his throat squeeze almost hard enough to suffocate him.

“You think I just popped back home for a quickie, then back to your bed in the morning like a bloody Cinderella?” the blond seethed, the cigarette in his hand morphing into a protentional weapon of choice. “Where did that even came for, for fuck’s sake? You’d been seeing me for two days, never noticed anything, and then suddenly your Esmeralda syndrome got cured or what?”

“But-,”

“You bloody drunk fucker,” Newt took a step towards him and Thomas found himself hitting the entrance door with his back, when he automatically tried to back out. “Should have known your bird brain won’t remember anything.”

The realization hit Thomas like tons of bricks right in his face, able to cause heavy concussion if it were real.

“I did this?!”

“No, the bloody sucker behind you, who the fuck do you think?!” Newt’s voice was harsh, but Thomas could only hear the bare fact he made a hickey of size of Texas on his ex-boyfriend’s nape while spending the next day being jealous… of himself.

“What the fuck,” he breathed out with an ugly relief flooding his veins, which was all sorts of wrong. Being relieved over attacking his ex at night definitely did not count as a good point in anybody’s book. “What the fuck.”

“Calmer now?” Newt sighed in exasperation and Thomas couldn’t say he was. It just opened door to another set of bad he had to deal with.

“I attacked you when drunk?” he asked quietly, and Newt blinked in surprise.

“Attacked?” he repeated and then barked out a laugh. “No, you really didn’t. You were drunk out of your mind, for fuck’s sake.”

“I see.”

“Didn’t think it left anything,” the blond sighed, rubbing the back of his neck as if in memory, which was kind of hot – no Thomas, it was not hot, but embarrassing, shut up -. “I mean you just munched on me a little, then fell back asleep. No harm done.”

“You made a fuss about us sleeping in one bed but it’s no biggie when I leave a hickey?” Thomas couldn’t help but laugh a little and Newt’s face showed signs of hesitation.

“Look…” he tried after a moment, the cigarette in his hand nearly gone. “I… don’t know, you were just sleeping while holding me, it doesn’t mean anything-,”

“And that’s fine with you?” It was Thomas’ turn to interrupt him, and Newt looked a little lost for a moment.

“I suppose that’s fine with me, yeah,” he admitted slowly.

Thomas looked at his shoes, taking in a deep breath. He couldn’t deny the knot forming in his belly over the day already started easing off, for purely selfish reasons he had, but at the same time his head became even a bigger mess than before.

“So what does it mean?” he asked after a while. “I’m trying to do the right thing here, I thought… you’d rather leave than stay with me longer, after today, but…”

“I want to stay,” Newt answered immediately. “Unless you really don’t want me here. Then no, of course. I had the same problem the first day, feeling all kinds of weird and jumpy. I guess I just sort of dealt with it. Stepped out of my comfort zone and all that.”

“Sorry you had to.”

It wasn’t like Thomas wanted Newt to change anyhow by doing this favour for him. But he’d also be a hypocrite if he didn’t admit he wished Newt to feel good here. With him. Selfishly, hopelessly. Like before, like they were okay. Like they still… liked each other. At least a little.

He knew that kind of hope was self-destructive and harmful, but he didn’t stop loving this man three years ago, after going through an immensely rough patch, so he wouldn’t stop loving him now for no reason either.

“No need to be sorry,” Newt interrupted his thoughts with much softer tone than Thomas expected. “I mean even despite it’s you, you didn’t really do anything bad yet.”

“Wow,” Thomas snorted. “Way to ruin the mood, boyfriend.”

“I try,” Newt grinned, and it seemed like the tense mood dissipated and they both relaxed enough to breathe easier. Thomas possibly wouldn’t even notice he had been so strung up until now, if the huge boulder of irrational fear of fucking up didn’t fall off his shoulders with a bang.

“And just for the record,” Newt added while finally inhaling the last puff from the already burned-out cigarette before stubbing it out in the ashtray. “I noticed you digging into me in the morning.”

“Of course you did…” Thomas banged the back of his head against door in utter shame. “Because universe hates me, and you had to fucking wake up.”

“Yeah, well,” Newt let out a small shrug. “I got hard at night, if it makes you feel any better. Let’s call it even.”

“What.”

“Had a real nice dream,” the blond casually announced like he was ordering pie with no filling and Thomas was a stupefied cashier at Costa Cafe. “Woke up with you being handsy with me. Tried to scramble away, cue for you to make the hickey and fall back asleep.”

“Uh.”

“1:1, right?” The sly smile Newt’s mouth produced did things to Thomas’ underbelly and before he even caught himself, he automatically reached out and grabbed Newt’s side.

Fuck.

“Pretty lousy score,” he just said – bad Thomas, stop making a pass at your ex -, “That’s no match whatsoever.”

Newt glanced at his hand resting on his waist and then back to Thomas with a thoughtful hum.

“I’m not that good at sports,” he just said, looking back into Thomas’ eyes. “But you might be onto something.”

Thomas took a deep breath and risked the second hand grabbing other side of Newt’s waist, pulling him closer. The layers of clothing made him dissatisfied, no matter how cold it was and how his skin already felt like ice, he just wanted to get under the coat and the sweater and the shirt and make Newt react somehow. The blond just silently watched him, let him do whatever he wanted, and somehow it felt like a test and Thomas was scared of failing it.

“That’s it?” Newt broke the tense silence around them when Thomas just stood there, holding him.

“Thinking,” the brunet mumbled with a frown.

“About?”

“How to touch you without it being classified as groping,” he moved his hands a little lower as an experiment, getting no reaction. “Since it’s off the table.”

“Pfff.”

He hesitated, then gingerly let go of one side and reached for the zipper lodged under Newt’s chin, keeping the coat closed like a fortress. His hand barely cooperated with how frozen it was, but Newt still didn’t stop him and that encouraged him unfairly.

“Newt.”

“Yeah?” the blond’s voice was quiet and close to his face.

“What’s with all the texting?” He kept holding the zippier between his fingers like he couldn’t decide, and Newt made a soft huh? noise in the back of his throat.

“You were on your phone the whole day,” Thomas lowered his voice to almost a whisper. “Is there somebody…?”

A sigh. Thomas let go of the zipper.

“That’s Alby,” came a reply and if Thomas wasn’t already propped against the door, he’d take a step back. There was nowhere to run now, so he just let go of the blond completely, nodding.

“He’s my partner,” another string of words Thomas comprehended but wished he didn’t. “A bit demanding one.”

“Sounds like it,” he just commented, staring at his feet until Newt’s shoes came into view as well when he stepped closer.

Seriously testing me. That’s-

“A bit cruel,” he breathed out with a puff of white smoke and Newt pushed further and pressed his mouth against Thomas’. His cold lips lingered for a moment before parting, their breaths mingling, and Thomas’ heart fought really hard to get out of his chest and run away. The proximity was non-existent, Newt stood so close their chests were touching, and his eyes were so dark, and pupils blown wide Thomas got easily lost in them.

He always did. Nothing had changed.

“You look cold,” Newt whispered to his lips, hovering so close their mouths gently touched when they took a breath.

“Freezing,” Thomas answered in daze, holding back only by a miracle. He wanted to reach out and pull the blond man flush against him, to grind into him, to kiss him so deep his toes would curl, and he’d buck up, he just wanted so much it made him suffer.

“Alby’s my colleague,” Newt dropped quietly. “Funnily… you weren’t wrong about work being in a rush now. He’s struggling a little. Wanted to know my opinion.”

A colleague. And nothing else?

“Nothing else,” Newt answered like he could read his mind and then sagged against Thomas’ body like the energy just left him, resting his head on Thomas’ shoulder.

“I thought I can handle being this close to you,” he heard him mumbling into his shirt. “But the more I am, the less I can fight it.”

“I thought I can handle you dating somebody else,” Thomas added to it while letting his head fall back against the door with a dull thud. “But obviously not. It’s scary. I don’t want to fuck it up again.”

“Yeah,” Newt agreed with him. “Me neither.”

He wasn’t sure if this had been some sort of consensus they reached, or just a fling that happened because they were both lonely, but Thomas didn’t want to let go – even though he should have, logically, to protect them both. The pain they caused to each other three years ago was still there and festering under their skins, but the more Newt was pressed into him, breathing softly, the more Thomas noticed his reason slowly creeped away, like a thief in the night disappearing with loot.

But he wanted. For fuck’s sake how he wanted to just hold him close and promise him love and eternal happiness, and the scary part was he couldn’t promise shit. His love was real, but not unconditional, happiness was fleeting and simply relying on both of them and the rest of the world deciding whatever to fuck them up or not.

But…

“I give up,” he mumbled, weary to the bone. At Newt’s soft hm? he just sighed. “It’s fucking cold.”

The blond barked out a laugh, but nodded and let go of him, immediately taking all the warmth away.

“Then shall we assure them we’re not breaking up again?” he nodded towards the door and without waiting for Thomas’ reply he already reached for the handle. “Or not leaving tomorrow.”

“Yeah,” the brunet conceded. “Hannah’s going to be milking this for the rest of the week…”

“Serves you right,” Newt laughed quietly while opening the door and Thomas kept the answer to himself.

We’re not breaking up again rang in his head like a bell, deafening his reason even further. Newt didn’t protest when he reached for his hand on their way inside, and he wondered if his heart was ready for another trial.

He ignored the uncertainty and took a leap of faith.

#newtmas #tmr #the last resort series #the maze runner #izzymultifan #edit 17. 5. 2021

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