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sulasnsleep · 5 months

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“The other day, lying in bed, I felt my heart beating for the first time in a long while. I realized how little I live in my body, how much in my mind.”

— Rodger kamenetz, Terra infirma

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jmeslovr · 5 months

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Monday snippet

...except its not monday, my bad, i only open tumblr once in a blue moon

thank you @courfee and @rweoutofthewoods for tagging me :)

And in James’ arms, Regulus blooms again. He doesn’t know why he keeps ending up here, why James is always the one there to pick up the pieces, but he’s endlessly grateful for it. Regulus isn’t sure he’d be here if it wasn’t for James. It’s a scary role to play in someone’s life. Regulus lifts his head from James’ shoulder but doesn’t pull back. Tears still spill down his cheeks, but they’re silent now, and James still wipes them away as they form. He wants to say something, but he can’t, so he sits in the moment, breathing the same air as James, keeping eye contact. He looks down at his lips, and it hits him just how close they are; it’s possibly the closest they’ve ever been. “I want to kiss you,” he murmurs quietly, the filter that’s usually present in him gone. James freezes beside him, and he’s pretty sure he hears his breathing hitch. “Then kiss me.” Regulus smiles sadly, a tear falls down. “I can’t.” Pain flickers across James’ face, and Regulus wants to kill himself for causing it. “Why not?” Regulus can’t breathe. “You know why, James. I can't. Not yet.” James shakes his head, pulls him in tighter; rests his forehead on Regulus’ like he’s afraid of him running away. James’ arms are tight around his back, holding him in. “You don’t have to keep denying yourself things that will make you happy, Regulus.” He lets out a shaky breath and closes his eyes. It’s all too much. Not enough. He wants James to consume him. Regulus wants James to sink his nails into his chest and pry it open so he can take his beating heart for his own. Maybe then will Regulus have a meaningful purpose.

#jegulus #jegulus fic #jegulus snippet #still have no clue how to tag things #sorry this is depressing #i call it the sad trans reg fic #i will not shut up about it if you ask me about it

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mrsterlingeverything · 11 months

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#sorry this is depressing

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fictionfreedom · 7 months

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Does anyone have advice on how to stop being depressed and in a constant state of writer's block that preferably isn't the same repeated "Drink water!!" "Go outside in the sun!!" stuff I keep hearing because I already know that it's been repeated to a point I don't even wanna fucking do it. I might be chronically depressed actually but I can't get a fucking psychologist so like, guess we'll never know! (at least until I have the fucking money to get one)

#sorry this is depressing #lmao #mental health #mental illness #proship #comship #profic #pro fiction #proship please interact #pro paraphile #anti harassment #pro para #mogai #paraphilia #depression #chronic depression

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ollieollieoxenfreeee · 9 months

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33, 34 on the asks list I think

Idk whichever ones are "who you love?" And "who you miss?"

i love and miss the same person

about a month before school ended this year i asked out a friend of mine

he said no and we tried to keep the friendship going but we slowly drifted apart and don't talk anymore

i still haven't been able to let go of my feelings for him

hurts

#sorry this is depressing #asks #anon

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trevengersprincess · 2 years

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Mil Horas||YakuLev Angst One Shot

Third Person P.O.V

Word Count: 870

If someone had told Lev not to go to where he was going and that he was going to be broken up with in the worst way possible, he’d think you were lying. Lev wouldn’t think that his boyfriend, Yaku Morisuke, was capable of breaking his gentle heart like it was glass.

From Yaku-san❤️:

Let’s meet at our usual spot.

To Yaku-san❤️:

Okay! I’ll see you there! Love you.

From Yaku-san❤️:

Alright, see you there Lev.

Lev didn't think much of it until now. He’s been sitting on a rock, their usual spot, for two hours now. In the rain like a dog for their owner. It felt like a thousand hours. Every minute passing by, he kept coming up with something in his head. He sat there, waiting and waiting.

In the distance, Yaku Morisuke watched as his, now ex boyfriend, sat in the rain all wet. He tsked his tongue and gave him a scowl.

“You’re so crazy. You’re all wet. I don’t want you anymore.” He mumbled to himself before sending the dreaded text to Haiba Lev.

From Yaku-san❤️:

You can head home now. I won’t be able to make it. By the way, I’m breaking up with you.

Lev had seen the message and Yaku watched him lift his phone to read it. But Lev, he didn’t dare move from there. He sat in the rain for much longer causing him to get more sick and not be in school for the next two weeks.

As he was away, the Libero didn’t care if he looked like he didn’t care about Lev’s whereabouts. People would ask him where the tall middle blocker was but he would answer with a simple, “I don’t know and I don’t care. We aren’t even dating.” Everyone was very concerned for the middle blocker, even Kenma who rarely shows any emotion.

When he did return, people had asked him what happened and he smiled and replied with a simple, “I was sick. But I’m okay now!” Yaku was not a fan of his cheery attitude. He wanted to see Lev broken. Lev had quickly picked up on perfecting his receives just to not be with Yaku anymore. He would only speak with the Libero when necessary.

But that was years ago. Haiba Lev was now a model and a famous one alongside his sister. Yaku had seen their billboard all over Japan and now, his heart was the one aching. He regretted the pain he caused the tall boy. All he wished for now was to be back with him. He missed all the times they spent together. Whether it was over lunch talking about their day and what they would do later to the days where it was just practicing volleyball together.

“Lev? Is that you?” Yaku said when he spotted the man before him. Tall and handsome as ever in line at the restaurant they would go to after school.

“Yaku-san? Hey, how have you been? I see you’re the best Libero in all of Japan now.” Replied Lev.

“A-Ah, yeah, I am. I’m doing good. How have you been?” He asked.

“I’m good. I’m in my own modeling career with my sister.” Lev explained and Yaku smiled.

“I’m happy for you! Look, I’ve been meaning to tell you this but-” Yaku began before someone had cut him off.

“Lev honey, have you ordered yet?” Shibayama asked.

“No not yet dear. Did you want to take my spot in line and order for us? You know I’m not the best with memory.”

“Of course! Oh, Yaku senpai! I’m sorry I didn’t see you there. It’s nice to see you.” Shibayama said and smiled.

“Nice to see you too, Shibayama. Are you guys..?” He began and Lev began to blush.

“Oh Lev you still blush over this? Yes, married actually. We’ve been married for a couple years now.” Shibayama explained and Yaku’s heart was crushed into a million pieces.

“O-Oh, congratulations. I wish you well. I-I have to go now. Uh, it was nice seeing both of you.” He said and left quickly.

As he stepped outside, he couldn’t help but look into the restaurant at his ex lover with his new lover. Is this what Lev felt? Was this the pain he made Lev go through when they broke up? Why does it hurt so much? He didn’t even notice the tears running down his face until he saw his reflection.

He ran away quickly before anyone could see him. When Yaku made it back home, he dropped to his knees and cried. He felt as if he was in physical pain from seeing them together. He sobbed and sobbed until he was out of tears and his throat hurt. Once he had calmed down, he grabbed a glass of water and sighed.

“This is what you get, Yaku. You hurt him on purpose and he hurts you even if he doesn’t realize it. I wish I told him sooner instead of years later. I’m happy for you Lev. I’m glad you found someone who will treat you right for the rest of your life. I’ll always love you, Haiba Lev.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

So I’m not one for angst without a fluff ending. And after I had watched this video: Link

I had gotten the inspiration to write this small one shot. It’s kinda a part fluff part angst ending. Lev has the fluff ending while Yaku is the angst part. It hurting writing this I’m not going to lie. If you guys have anymore things you’d like me to write, feel free to send in a request! I’m open to options and maybe I’ll write here more.

So in conclusion, go watch that TikTok, its honestly so good. I love her art work and yeah. As I said, I got the inspiration to write an ending for that video but yeah. I hope you guys enjoyed.

#haikyuu #lev habia #yaku morisuke #yakulev #angst #haikyuu angst #yakulev angst #kinda fluff #i’m sorry #sorry this is depressing #sad hours #I’m making my friend suffer because they made me suffer #shibayama yuuki #shibalev

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electricpants57 · 13 days

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rambles #1

i love my friends, and i'm grateful that i have them, but sometimes i wonder "why do i feel so lonely?

i have so many friends

so why do i feel like i have none?"

and sometimes i wonder if maybe my loneliness is required so that i know my place, so that i don't get ahead of myself and let things get to my head

but sometimes when i'm out with my family and i see kids my age talking i just wonder why, despite the amount of connections i have, do i feel so alone

i'm not blaming my friends at all, i care about them more than i care about myself, but sometimes i feel like someone convenient to talk to. a placeholder for when their real friends arrive.

maybe i just crave a real human connection, cause an "i love you" is nothing compared to being able to talk without it being one-sided or talking knowing the person you're talking to won't respond

i don't believe in fate. but maybe this is an exception, maybe i'm just supposed to be alone

#electricpants57 #ramblings #rambles #sorry that was cringe #im not used to telling the internet about my feelings #this is pretty new to me #at least i got it out of my system right?#sorry this is depressing #and stupid

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anxietyfrappuccino · 1 month

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wakefulness drains out of me, waiting for food i don't even want to eat, the same dogs that killed my cat two months ago have struck again, killing a mama cat and her week old kittens, i mourn the death of souls i've never met, my statement of wearing the same shirt from then, a symbol of my best and worst days, as we finally finish filing a month old report, no mom you can't cheer me up, no i can't look at those sheltered cats and dogs knowing i can't save them all, i want justice for his and their loss, but i am scared of the cost, i ache all over again and on earth the suffering never stops

#my post #personal #prose #ig #cat mom #mourning #sorry this is depressing #just need to get my thoughts out

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sulasnsleep · 8 months

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“You have to die a few times before you can really live.”

— Charles Bukowski, The People Look Like Flowers at Last

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stavee · 1 year

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I feel like nobody on Tumblr knows that the international space station is being discontinued.

Did you know that? In less than a decade it will be gone

CNN Link from above screenshot

More detailed article by Space.com

#space #iss #international space station #nasa #roscosmos #space exploration #outer space #nasa missions #i did not mean to depress everyone im sorry

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holyf-ckinghell · 8 months

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There are moments when I realise how young I am. I can pretend to be in control, to know, to understand, but I’m not, I don’t. People look down on me or overlook me more than they look at me. Some people are kind and show me something, let me try what they know to see the still pure glee I can display. Some see that they can lie to me without me pushing back because I haven’t learnt how, haven’t learnt that i worth it. Some choose to nurture to care. But even then some of them hold too tight, pull me back saying that it’s better that way, safer. Little know that exposure with the backing of care will let me learn, without the wool pulled over my eyes obscuring the truth I need to know. They let me see things as they are and react in kind without losing myself.

I will never know true peace. The world is not made like that. And that is something I fought against by tooth and nail for a long time. But that was before I became resigned to it. Apathetic to the pain while knowing it won’t always be that way. There will always be the childish hope for peace. I am 18 and I’ve already accepted that pain and hate is more likely for me to experience than gentle touches and love. I am not alone but I am lonely and tired. How am I meant to be happy in a world where I have been taught that life brings pain and hurt and death is where you find peace. Where you finally get to rest. I will not let myself fall. I am too prideful and stubborn for that. I will claw my way out of spirals of bad and harmful habits. Even when it’s hard and all I want is to know peace again. I may be hurt and bleeding but I will not let myself collapse until I can be sure that someone else gets a break from the pain that is living, if only just for a moment. Until I teach others that life is not sunshine and rainbows but bared teeth and spit blood, life is looking others in the eye and saying ‘I will not go, not yet, and you can’t make me’. I might suffer but that does not mean others have to as well.

I’m not sure that this has made sense but I am resigned to talking without people listening. To looking in the mirror without seeing myself. To taking a step back mentally without others noticing. I will never be someone’s first choice or the person they choose to keep around. And it will hurt deeply each time. I love too easily, too deeply, and always alone. Others won’t follow me. That’s ok. While they are with me I’ll do what I can to help them. Make life just a little easier. Hurt just a little less. And then they will leave and I will watch them go as yet another person walks out of my life taking a little piece of me with them.

One day I’ll have nothing left to give. That will be when I seek my peace. I do not know when that will be, but I will not fight. Not that time. I’m already tired but I’m not done. Not yet.

#existential crisis #life and death #life is strange #life hurts #I crave peace but I refuse to let go #I will only seek death when I deserve peace until then I will bare my teeth and spit in it’s face #i’m tired #sorry this is incomprehensible #sorry this is depressing #i’m not okay #i’m not ready #death will not stop me from watching over those I care about even if they don’t care about me

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endlessmidnights · 7 months

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I hate when people say suicide is the easy way out, they have no idea the pain you must be in to want to end your own life

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saduboiss · 5 months

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sometimes I just get so sick and tired of fighting just to survive.

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