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stedebonnit · 2 years

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Been thinking a lot recently about a post I saw that talked about how Stede has never really been vulnerable around Ed and has spent most of his time ensuring that those around him feel safe and comfortable. Its not like he's afraid to cry. Stede, always gentle, always radiant, doesn't seem like someone hiding his vulnerability, but when you think about each moment he shares with Ed - Ed is open and vulnerable with Stede (in a way he isn't with anyone else). Stede on the other hand never truly shares his feelings with Ed. At least not those darker ones that haunt him. Those about his family, about his childhood, about his self-doubt & self-hatred. I'm thinking about how that post mentioned that, in the end, what led Stede to leave was the fact that his own trauma and insecurity was so powerful and unaddressed that it led him to run. And now I'm thinking about how the most vulnerable Stede ever was with Ed (consciously, because he was vulnerable in his fever dream state) was when he looks to Ed for reassurance on the beach when he says "all I have are stupid ideas"

And how Ed, not very adept at reading the more subtle social cues, assumes this is just Stede being hyperbolic and casually says "shut up" in response. Because the truth is, he has no reason at this point to think that Stede truly thinks of himself that way, because up until now he's seen the kind, caring, and often outwardly overconfident mask that Stede wears around others.

And when he's told to shut up, Stede does. He's used to being shut down, not allowed to show vulnerability, and while this is far from being the dismissive, even mocking rejection that he's used to, he still takes this as a sign that he shouldn't talk about what's going on in his head, and following that he allows Ed to take the lead on the conversation, allows him to guide where they go next - asks Ed questions about himself.

In an extremely subtle, very timid way, this scene is Stede gently reaching out to Ed for support. Asking ever so quietly for comfort. Ed, understandably, doesn't see this. Again, why would he? He has no reason to believe that this is what's going on in Stedes head. And so he moves past it. And Stede, instead of clarifying that this was an invitation, shrinks back - hides away his vulnerability again - and allows this to be a conversation about what Ed wants. Its not like he doesn't want it to be about Ed, either. Thats why he draws back so quickly. The moment he senses some sort of need in Ed he jumps on it, ready to protect again. It doesn't even really feel like a rejection. He does get comfort from the conversation they have. He feels comforted by Ed's presence, the warmth of their plans, the love in that moment. Why would he risk losing that to be vulnerable?

And so he pulls that mask back on.

But it makes me wonder what it would look like, either in that moment, or in another moment in season 2, for Stede to truly be vulnerable for Ed. To extend that invitation and for Ed to see it for what it is - to see that this is Stede saying "let me bear myself out for you. I won't do it without your permission, but if you'll let me, I'd love to be honest with you."

And I want to see Ed reach back. To take that invitation and say "I want to see you. You don't have to ask, but because you did I need you to know you have my permission to be open. To be vulnerable. To be weak. To be you"

#ofmd #our flag means death #ofmd meta #stede meta #ed x stede #gentlebeard #sorry this is a lot lol #i just think about that moment a lot #because as a therapist (in training) those are always signs i look out for #people are great at putting on masks #but almost no one will say 'id like to be vulnerable'#instead they extend an invitation #a self depricating joke - a lighthearted story with underlining trauma #an offhanded comment about self worth #and these things are so often missed because theyre MEANT to be subtle #but when i first heard it my inner therapist was SCREAMING for ed to say 'what makes you day that'#and to see the invitation missed was painful #and itworked in the scene #again i wouldnt trade the content of that scene #and i dknt think ed was bad or wrong not to notice (most people dont!!)#but GOD did it stick out to me as a moment where stede was BEGGING to be seen

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cowlovely · 4 months

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i truly do think that clara oswald is one of the characters of all time i’m sorry.

#ivy.txt #i mean i’m not. but i am sorry that some people don’t see the vision #like yeah i have a lot of issues with individual scenes/lines that moffat (and other writers gave her)#i’m not the biggest fan of her s7 storyline even if i don’t think it’s the worst they’ve done #but GOD she is just so compelling to me….#i LOVE that the doctor meets her and is like oh my god she is SO clever and fast she can keep up with me!!#and she hungers for adventure this is great!! she’s just like me!!#and then that just gradually morphs into oh god she’s just like me….oh no.#like. the doctor is so used to putting on a false pretense and keeping things from his companions #that when he sees someone wearing the same mask as him it doesn’t even occur to him to check if their face is fake too #i just love that both of them are ultimately so selfish and SO selfless at the same time. the codependency is beautifullllll delicious to me

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onthevirgooftears · 10 months

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not to be insane or anything but it really pisses me off when people say whit killed arei 💀 it is objectively never that serious but everytime i see someone come up with a theory or whatever it just shows such a fundamental misunderstanding of his character and not that I'm a veteran or anything but i just wanted to right some wrongs.

whit is not a killer. he exists in a sphere of kindness and prosperity and nothing else. people only think he's suspicious because we've been dispositioned to think every 'nice' character in danganronpa is secretly evil. whit does not have a facade, he's truly and 100% a good person.

looking back at some of his character defining moments it's so striking that he was one of the only people to give his kindness to the two people who were at the time not very nice people themselves. its striking that he doesn't reveal charles' secret in the first trial until he feels as though charles is comfortable enough for everyone to know and how he does the same thing with david in the second trial because it simply isn't his secret to tell.

he extends kindness to those who probably don't deserve it and actively is willing to put aside his own personal grievances in order to comfort someone when they’re in need. like, it's insane to me that you can look at all of that say "yep 💀 that guys definitely the killer!" HES A GOOD PERSON like literally what more do i have to say.

#i reblogged my first fanganronpa post and i felt so liberated and thats how this was born #bringing this back when it turns out he did in fact kill arei 💀#whit analysis who cheered #idk he's suvh a good character because hes fundamentally #despite the flaws a great person who puts others before himself time and time aga #ain #he puts himself in shitty positions constantly during the trials and he masks his uptake about wanting to throw others under the bus #as humour and sillies when its actually reallh deep and means so much to his character and him as a person #HE DOESNT WANT TO BE THE PERSON who uses someone else insecurity or secret against them to gain brownie points #even if not saying something would cosg him his life #like he cares so much about saving face and being a good person and giving people the benefit of a doubt #id argue that hes more likely to be a victim than a killer 💀 hes so trusting and it will probably bite him in the ass #anyways if you couldnt tell i love him so much #there's not enough whit young analysis actually #whit young #drdt #danganronpa despair time #drdt spoilers

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girlthingdecay · 5 months

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#i kind of want to kill myself. im so disconnected from anything. i have no original thought. everything is scripted #everything is just put together pieces from things ive heard elsewhere and i do not have a single original thought #everyone can see that im masks all the way down and everyone can see that i am nothing underneath and even that is a stolen way of saying it #i have no way of making nothing palatable but i am simply nothing. invite me over and ill try to adapt to you and write a new script based #off new media but if you make me truly comfortable and somehow manage to unplug my behavior then youll be rewarded with me just sitting #beside you on the floor and staring at whatever media you show me without speaking much and only occasionally seeking further warmth from #you #i vocalized it to someone close recently but im a nothing void and i wish people all acted in exactly the way i wanted regardless #i have selfish fantasies about people just doing everything to make everything easy for me and if i were a god i would be an entirely #selfish one #if the right people would go and stay as i please even though im a nothing void and dont deserve them around #if they would all do whatever i needed like gave me cuddles or sex or affirmation or money or treats #if life was one long cycle of being the most treated god by everyone then maybe i could be something i dont know #maybe something could be manifested into me #everyone already projects an idea onto me so maybe a collective idea held by all with a great deal of love would make whatever they say of #me true and maybe then id exist fully #until then oh well #though in reality im just sanitizing a bit. having others fully as puppets serving me isnt something that i want because i think itll “fix”#me by any measures and id likely only grow far more sadistic and selfish but i wish for that world because i could live in perfect comfort #i could do anything i wanted and have anything i wanted and nobody would stop me #sorry this is just like. a long rambling in tags. i should shut up now

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v0iddr0id · 3 months

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Does anyone have any examples of positive portrayal of psychotic or schizospec people in media?

I only know of 1 confirmed schizophrenic hero, and I'm tired of only seeing it only depicted as scary or evil.

#the only character i know of that's even remotely good is Tim from marble hornets #don't get me wrong- i love Tim- but he's not really great rep. he puts on a mask and scares people for half the series #but other than the mask parts- i think he's fairly realistic #he's prone to addiction (the smoking). his condition is trauma based. the memory loss during episodes. trouble holding steady employment.#i just don't know any other characters that portray a realistic depiction of psychosis where the character isn't evil #sorry guys. i had to watch psycho for class and the ending kinda got me down #shoutout to my fam with DID as well. i never see us in positive ways #same sentiment with psychotic trans people. when i got my diagnosis i was worried it would invalidate my experience being trans #talking trash #psychosis #schizospec

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nerosdayinanime · 8 months

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kny x tokyo ghoul au

was thinking abt following tokyo ghoul's storyline and making nezuko get organ donor ghoul-ified like kaneki but on second thought that seems a bit boring. the slayer marks (tanjiro's specifically- that one frame in the red light district arc where he looks like hes absolutely lost it) made me think of the sort of insanity thing with centipede kaneki when he started eating ghouls. (nezuko's bout of literally losing control of herself beating daki is probably a bit closer tho) dont know what to do with that. tanjiro being human and having to keep nezuko safe with her new life as a half-ghoul is pretty cool but i dont know. could make it different

#sakonji as coffee shop owner and sabito & giyuu as workers and the fox squad being the underground Good Ghouls makes me kick my feet #goth/alt vibe makomo as the mask maker MWAH and sabito & giyuu playing as regular college kids. giyuu 'eating' out with friends and #sabito drive-by eating his food before booking it (Sabito-! you bastard!) and later when theyre alone giyuu holding his hair back #(you should stop eating my food all the time..) ((im fine- as long as it makes it easier on you))#tanjiro working as a server & nezuko more as #.#i forgot hanae-san also voiced Kaneki #what the fuck is it with him and voicing the main characters of anime about the morality of cannibalism #its not much but its weird that its happened twice #i completely fucking forgot abt that and here i am literally putting tanjiro in his place #as i was saying nezuko has a 'job' there but shes not actually employed or forced to work she just hangs around in uniform like her brother #while tanjiro's the one thats employed. shes the cute mascot of the place and sabito gets hype with her and it entertains ppl #sabito nezuko interactions beloved<3 she makes him go big brother mode #giyuu's behind the counter helping sakonji make coffee so he doesnt have to interact with people (as much)#something something also half-ghoul genya being an antagonist at first until tanjiro & nezuko's bond makes him change his mind #and he becomes the newest employee at the coffee shop. que him and sabito bickering at eachother like children and tanjiro being so #sweetfaced and genuinely kind to him & giyuu being a chill comforting presence he can go to #confides in them his fear about his brother and the guilt he feels for being around them bc it puts them in danger #mm #sweet au. great playing field to ruin absolutely everyone #i should rewatch/read tokyo ghoul its been almost a year i think #do that then decide how i want the au to play out if i want it to try to follow that storyline or if i should do some worldbuilding fuckery #of my own instead to completely change how nezuko & genya's half-ghoulness would happen #i remember i dropped tokyo ghoulre but i dont remember why. didnt bother after that Hide scene in the anime but i dont remember y the manga #i was listening to Seijatachi for writing vibes and stared a bit too long at the album image i put #kny #tokyo ghoul #kamado tanjiro #kamado nezuko #kny x tokyo ghoul au

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sunlightfeeling · 4 months

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I think a prerequisite to feeling loneliness should be actually understanding or recognizing what friendship is even if it’s probably staring at you square in the face

Also, how is it possible for someone to feel lonely when you don’t even know what you really want or need out of a friendship?

Like…are these both things that people innately know typically?

Because I

…really, really don’t….

#ramblin but not a gamblin man #i am so out of touch socially like…it actually baffles me a bit #and i feel like such a fucking archetype #socially inept in every possible way unless i mask/mimic the people around me #but i know how to do things on the computer to make them work better so im actually all good right?? 😒👍#tell me how I shouldn’t put all my self-worth into my accomplishments (and still not give myself lasting recognition for it so there’s THAT #seriously…what else is there then? what else am i if it’s not my achievements or job?#i genuinely don’t know and i don’t know how im supposed to discover that #okay and with that!#time to work~ ….#…becoming that person that just negative posts on people’s dashes…#but my brain isn’t working that great these days

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pipzeroes · 1 year

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Context:

Was thinking about what other "wear mask" memes could be made (still need a few more for the All Your Breath Are Belong To Us vid), and since I'd already done something based on the movie poster for The Mask (1994), I figured I'd look on Wikipedia for other works titled "Mask".

Seeing Mask, the 1985 album* by Vangelis, a.k.a. Evangelos Odysseas Papathanassiou (Ευάγγελος Οδυσσέας Παπαθανασίου), I decided to modify the cover (of the version remastered in 2016 and released in 2017).

*Note that Vangelis' Mask (1985) is not to be confused with Vangelis' mask (Ninjago), which is a face cover worn by King Vangelis of the Kingdom of Shintaro (for like, a moment [while trying to find info about the album cover], I thought the Greek composer and arranger of electronic, progressive, ambient, and classical orchestral music had an alter ego known as the Skull Sorcerer, but apparently not).

Also learned that Vangelis (who was, according to many accounts [according to Wikipedia], an "inordinately approachable", "really nice" and "humorous" man, who enjoyed long friendly gatherings, was fascinated by Ancient Greek philosophy, the science and physics of music and sound, and space exploration) passed away from heart failure, one year ago today, May 17, 2022, and "according to some reports, died of COVID-19 complications".

#when the attitude is like 'oh old people are going to die anyway'#well you know that means artists like Vangelis as well #and YOU TOO will be 'old' someday if you don't die sooner than later #not that an 'old' person should have to be 'artist' or 'you' to be considered worthy of not dying from plague #but sometimes pointing this out helps illustrate why 'oh old people are going to die anyway' is not a great attitude #Mask #Vangelis #masks #masking #WEAR MASK #put on fitting mask #all your breath are belong to us #COVID is airborne #COVID is NOT over #COVID floats like smoke #Long COVID #MASK UP

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death-rebirth-senshi · 11 months

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Though he adopted the guise of a warrior from the badlands, it was rumored that the Tarnished had arrived from across the fog wearing a ghastly mask and tattered clothing, brandishing ancient Carian sorceries. Indeed, though he bellows and rages on the battlefield with abandon, he wields even enormous hunks of iron with a tell-tale refinement that hints towards a noble background.

#me vs elden ring #idk trying to be artsy #I made another broody hunk in elden ring so original #I think it's interesting that the prisoner background uses what's supposed to be the first prototype phalanx spell #combined with being 'among the elite' you could go as far as to make them old Carian royalty #I was going to do a dex/int build but then suddenly wanted to pivot #I feel like the great sword and axes fit a masked prisoner full of hatred #especially one that may be innocent of implied appalling crime and like the famed man in the iron mask #a political prisoner #on the other hand given that they put thorns on people charged with *minor* crimes - and I guess also crucify them?#and that Boggart has a similar though not quite as torturous mask for being a 'thug'#well who knows it's likely you don't have to do much to be convicted of an 'appalling' crime

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blueslight · 1 year

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Man

#My friend forgot that they said theyd come to my house today and even though i texted them.aboht it at 1pm which they read at 3pm they #didnt bother saying ANYTHING to me until literaly rivht now (its nearly 7pm so tge day is effecrively over)#and like. my friend is autistic (so am I obviously) so on one hand im like yeah they probably dont know any better but on the other hand i #WOULDVE known better not because im good with empathy or social stuff but just bc i put in an effort #and like . well what would i say cause. like i said theyre autistic im sure its not great to get upset with an autistic person for doing #something autistic BUT LIKE ITS STILL HURTFUL!!! AND IM AUTISTIC MYSELF #but my mom raised me to be like so painfully aware and competent (in real life online obviously i act like a madman) that its near #impossible for me to hang out with other autistic/adhd people without feeling like their fuckin dad bc they refuse to put in any effort #into our friendship beyond exactly that they feel like doing #and stuff like this is constantly happening like hanging out with them is always overshadowed by the fact that i have to plan everything #and take care of everything and remind them of everything bc otherwise they literally want altho i KNOW they can #*wont #but at the same time im TOO weird to hang out with neurotypicals but with other nd people its always shit like this #and there are few things i hate as much as having to take care of people in contexts like this esp cause it just means i have to mask way #more cuz the others wont put in the slightest effort meanwhile ANY social interaction is like moving a mountain for me ive just gotten #so used to the effort BC WHAT ELSE DO I FUCKING DO I DONT WANNA DIE ALONE #but neither of my friends are as driven with tbis as i am. like if theyre not motivated to do something they literally wont do it #and like im rarely motivated either but THERE IS NO CHOICE BUT TO DO IT !!! but bc i guess their parents never enforced any rules now #they are exhausting to deal with

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altoconcerto · 2 years

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im not doing so well these days. i thought going back to treatment would help and i guess it has marginally, but lately ive felt so much worse. im at a loss as for what to do at this point. i wake up, i drift around through the day, i find a spot to sleep. whether it's my parents' house, sober living, or somewhere else, i just can't seem to find a way to live well and be happy/at peace doing it. im not thinking about doing anything crazy, thankfully (yet). even though it's not true, i feel like ive exhausted my relationships being so fucking high maintenance. god i wish i had a drink right now

#don't worry about me ill be fine.#i just keep looking for things in all the wrong places #god im so lonely #friends are great and extremely helpful #but i can't shake the feeling that im unlovable #like everyone is taking pity on me cause i put on a happy-go-lucky mask and the abyss peeks out #i don't think most people around me really understand that the real me is not the mask but that blackness lurking under #save #so i can look back at this later #if you read all this #thanks #im going to go figure out something to do now that doesn't involve alcohol

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iamthescalesofjustice · 2 months

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always fun to see reading-teaching discourse bc my experience of learning to read was so far removed from any of the methods ive seen discussed.

to make a long story short, eyesight so bad you cant read a whiteboard (drastic understatement) plus sensory overload problems, auditory processing issues, and genuine misophonia means actual learning in a classroom was essentially just not a thing for me until much later, so the phonics tapes i had to sit through were wasted on me and in fact the overlapping sounds of almost thirty kindergarteners all repeating syllables and sounds slightly out of sync with each other drove my tiny self to the brink of madness and murderous rage. good thing i had already learned to read in a bizarre brute-force method or i wouldve been fucked.

my grand method that i had stumbled into a few years before, was extensively examining (at inches-from-my-face range) a cardboard thing my household had with the uppercase and lowercase letters on it, learning the shapes and which sets went together, getting the names of the letters from my mother, and then annoying whatever adult was around quite a lot by paging through a dictionary, squinting at it from way too close, and going "How do you say this word: L-E-T-T-E-R-S." within the year appended immediately by "No I don't need the meaning just say it." after i painstakingly gained enough words that most of the definitions and sample sentences more or less made sense, and the ones that didnt, i could exhaustively do dives on the words in a definition until i found an synonym that did make sense and work my way back up from there. i would usually check the pronunciation of a given word with a few different adults to bc of differences in their accents.

the effect of this is that for a long time (well into my teens) the natural state of my reading included almost every word read or written being prefaced with a quick internal recitation of its letters, and lacked the 'internal voice' apparently most people 'hear' when they read.

which might sound weird for some people i guess but the end result was fluid enough to get me through multiple books a day so. misophonia wins ig. i have checked out the historical stuff and do agree phonics is the way to go for vast majority of kids and cueing is a crutch that doesnt need to be taught as foundational bc of its flaws. but also bc if someone needs it they will come up with those & related strategies organically.

#anyway it turns out my method is great for brute-force memorizing strings of letters and apparently inadvertently masking subclinical #dyslexia but like. some of that was on the school bc by being 'ahead' i ended up straight up not being put in reading groups / not having m #reading examined more closely for years lol. i would learn related words by recognizing strings of letters and comparing definitions for #connections. ended up learning root words instead of what long and short vowels are. i also do understand why people were wary of #how phonics would impact accent and the classism etc intertwined there i find that understandable. not so much the idol worship and like #commercialized scams side of the equation tho. and i recognize my method only worked by virtue of having the resources and the adults #having the time. learning that reading could provide actually engaging stories was the biggest roadblock bc before then i hadnt bothered #and after that i went from picture books to jurassic park within a few years of spending hours a day working with the dictionary.#never underestimate what need for any escape from the already clawing boredom can do to a person

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chronicbitchsyndrome · 1 month

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so: masking: good, unequivocally. please mask and please educate others on why they should mask to make the world safer for immune compromised people to participate in.

however: masking is not my policy focus and it shouldn't be yours, either. masking is a very good mitigation against droplet-born illnesses and a slightly less effective (but still very good) mitigation against airborne illnesses, but its place in the pyramid of mitigation demands is pretty low, for several reasons:

it's an individual mitigation, not a systemic one. the best mitigations to make public life more accessible affect everyone without distributing the majority of the effort among individuals (who may not be able to comply, may not have access to education on how to comply, or may be actively malicious).

it's a post-hoc mitigation, or to put it another way, it's a band-aid over the underlying problem. even if it was possible to enforce, universal masking still wouldn't address the underlying problem that it is dangerous for sick people and immune compromised people to be in the same public locations to begin with. this is a solvable problem! we have created the societal conditions for this problem!

here are my policy focuses:

upgraded air filtration and ventilation systems for all public buildings. appropriate ventilation should be just as bog-standard as appropriately clean running water. an indoor venue without a ventilation system capable of performing 5 complete air changes per hour should be like encountering a public restroom without any sinks or hand sanitizer stations whatsoever.

enforced paid sick leave for all employees until 3-5 days without symptoms. the vast majority of respiratory and food-borne illnesses circulate through industry sectors where employees come into work while experiencing symptoms. a taco bell worker should never be making food while experiencing strep throat symptoms, even without a strep diagnosis.

enforced virtual schooling options for sick students. the other vast majority of respiratory and food-borne illnesses circulate through schools. the proximity of so many kids and teenagers together indoors (with little to no proper ventilation and high levels of physical activity) means that if even one person comes to school sick, hundreds will be infected in the following few days. those students will most likely infect their parents as well. allowing students to complete all readings and coursework through sites like blackboard or compass while sick will cut down massively on disease transmission.

accessible testing for everyone. not just for COVID; if there's a test for any contagious illness capable of being performed outside of lab conditions, there should be a regulated option for performing that test at home (similar to COVID rapid tests). if a test can only be performed under lab conditions, there should be a government-subsidized program to provide free of charge testing to anyone who needs it, through urgent cares and pharmacies.

the last thing to note is that these things stack; upgraded ventilation systems in all public buildings mean that students and employees get sick less often to begin with, making it less burdensome for students and employees to be absent due to sickness, and making it more likely that sick individuals will choose to stay home themselves (since it's not so costly for them).

masking is great! keep masking! please use masking as a rhetorical "this is what we can do as individuals to make public life safer while we're pushing for drastic policy changes," and don't get complacent in either direction--don't assume that masking is all you need to do or an acceptable forever-solution, and equally, don't fall prey to thinking that pushing for policy change "makes up" for not masking in public. it's not a game with scores and sides; masking is a material thing you can do to help the individual people you interact with one by one, and policy changes are what's going to make the entirety of public life safer for all immune compromised people.

#dyspunktional #cripple punk #actually disabled #cripplepunk #a lot of these are major concessions for me personally as i'm an anarchist and loathe to support further concentrations of state power #but if you're gonna be operating within the structure of the system. here you go. handing you a cheat sheet for what you should demand.

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drchucktingle · 4 months

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my masks

hey there buckaroos. due to all of the attention the TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION situation has gotten i am going to take a minute to talk about my personal way as an autistic buckaroo. im going to tell you about my masks.

im doing this for a few reasons, some are good FUN reasons full of love and some are not so great.

lets start with the GOOD STUFF. first of all, i am talking about this because speaking on my way can help other buckaroo feel more comfortable speaking on there own way, ESPECIALLY if they are good at ‘passing’ for neurotypical like chuck is.

unfortunately the NOT SO GREAT reasons im talking about all this dang stuff are two fold. reason one: i have been put into a position of having to explain and justify my needs and boundaries by the TXLA. this is not something that i WANT to be taking up all of my time, but when large organizations do not make space for those who they have pledged to support, it puts us smaller buckaroos into position where were have to defend our existence. it is not plesent but it is necessary.

the second NOT SO GREAT reason is that ‘passing’ bisexual and autistic people like myself are ALWAYS just seconds from being gatekept from folks both outside and inside these communities. there will probably be a day on chucks deathbed where i take off my mask and say hello to this timeline (mostly so you can all see how handsome i am under here but I DIGRESS). i KNOW with absolute certainty (the same way other bi and autistic buckaroos are probably nodding along right now) that when that day comes i will STILL be accused of ‘not being real’ and ‘faking’ because i ‘dont look autistic’ and i have a beautiful ladybuck partner in sweet barbara.

ALL THAT IS TO SAY, i am taking a moment today to talk FOR THE RECORD about my neurodigence and my particular needs. hopefully i will not have to keep diving this deep every time an organization takes a discrimantory action against me, but i will also say this: at least it is a good fight on an important battlefield

anyway buds, here is the story of my way on the spectrum

when i was a young buckaroo i knew that my thought process was different. i could socialize easily, which is unique in contrast to many autistic buds (it is a spectrum after all), but my social ease was for an interesting reason. I ALWAYS KNEW WHAT OTHERS WERE ABOUT TO SAY. it was like a strange ‘human game’ where someone would say one thing and i would think ‘well you actually mean something else’ in a sort of logical way (this is why i later related to DATA from star trek so dang much). at first i remember thinking ‘well i am just NOT going to play along with this human game’. i quickly learned neurotypical buckaroos do not like this, that there is a BOB AND WEAVE to social interactions that must be learned.

later i realized ‘actually if i WANT to make friends and prove love is real then i can do this like an expert because i can SEE the game where most cant’. this got chuck many buds and took me on many adventures. please understand, i am not saying these connections are not important to me, they are just different. they are full of love, but i express this in my own unique way.

HOWEVER, while growing up i felt disconnected from this timeline in other ways, like an alien or a reverse twin trotting along in a world that is not quite my own. i did not feel emotions the same way my buds did. they would get upset over the ‘human game’ interactions and i would not be moved at all, HOWEVER i could see the way sunlight hit a window and start crying my dang eyes out over the beauty. so my emotion was still there and VERY STRONG, i just felt it in more existential ways (like hearing the call of the lonesome train). these days that feeling has progressed to where i am pretty much in a constant blissed out state of cosmic emotional connection (make of that last sentence what you will, but it is the truth). when i make existential posts online i am not just FIRING OFF SOME CONTENT, i really mean every word. this is really my trot.

anyway as a young buckaroo these feelings made me worry sometimes. i thought about various mental health dianosises and marked the parts and pieces that matched with myself. am i this? am i that? sometimes, instead of just being’ different’ i worried i might actually be ‘wrong’.

when i saw david byrne on letterman in my younger days i immediately recognized something connected to myself. i thought ‘wow this is the mystery being solved before my very eyes.’ i could hear it in the music of talking heads too. i started doing research and realized that i might be on autism spectrum, something that was later confirmed by a therapist (back then the diagnosis was called asperger's). it was a glorious and fulfilling moment. i was SO EXCITED TO BE AUTISTIC LIKE MY HERO. i felt very cool because of it, and i still feel very cool because of it.

one of the big reasons i talk so much about being autistic these days is because i want to make sure OTHER buckaroos can have that same moment that i did. they can see chuck and think ‘wow i really like this autistic artist, maybe being autistic is cool’

so what does an average day WITHOUT wearing the pink bag look like for me?

my thought process is exactly like ROSE from CAMP DAMASCUS, which is part of why i wrote the book. we have the same stim (complex order of finger taps), we prepare for social interactions the same way, we analyze things in the same logical trot that neurotypical people might think feels ‘detached’ but for me feels natural (certain reviews of camp damascus are very funny to me in this way. you can tell when a reader is just very confused by existing in an autistic brain for 250 pages.)

from the outside you would not be able to tell that i am on the spectrum. in fact you would probably find me very socially adept.

the problem is, all of that masking can take its toll. i spent years trotting in and out the emergency room, talking to confused doctors who could not figure out the chronic phantom tension and pain that radiated through my body. i eventually accepted the fact that i would either live a life constantly on heavy painkillers or just stop living altogether.

eventually, however, i started noticing a correlation between the way that i felt, and the space that i allowed for chuck and the pink mask. i was exercising that tension, allowing my mental mask of neurotypical existence to take a rest. i started practicing physical therapy and this time THE RESULTS STUCK because i was approaching from two sides, MIND AND BODY. after a while, i got my pain down to about 5 percent of what it once was. i still have flare ups in times of stress, but the healing has been very real and life changing.

lets get VERY specific now. if i attended the TXLA confrence without a mask and gave my talk i can tell you this: i would do a dang good job. i can work the heck out of a crowd and (not to reveal too much about my secret way) I HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO DO THIS ON OCCASION VERY WELL. however, going home from this event i would very likely be in pain. i would likely need to do physical therapy. i would likely need to stim for a while. i would NOT be emotionally fullfilled in the same way. in other words, without my pink mask i can charm the heck out of buckaroos, but THE SPACE OF CHUCK TINGLE IS NOT THE SPACE FOR THAT. the pink bag is a place for me to not have to put up with that tension. it is a place for me to unmask mentally by masking physically.

this pink bag space SAVED MY LIFE and i am not going to risk blurring these lines. if and when that ever happens it will be MY decision, not someone elses. that is my boundary. the part of me that neurotypically masks could handle a library conference in a purely technical sense, but the part of me that chuck represents absolutely cannot and should not be asked to do that without the pink bag. unfortunately, the complexity of this point makes it even MORE difficult for me to think about and takes up even more of my time, because it forces me to START QUESTIONING MYSELF and my own needs. to be honest, that is the most insidious part of other people questioning your identify and refusing to accept your accommodation needs without ‘proof’.

the thing is, while all of this discussion of disability and accessibility is important, i have a much larger point to make by writing these words.

a conference should not uninvite someone with an unusual physical presentation or a strange way of speaking REGARDLESS of it being classified as a disability. it does not matter WHY i look the way that i look and wear what i wear. i should not have to spend all day writing this post instead of writing my next book, just because my sensibilities are unique and my presentation is unusual.

fortunately the solution is very simple: let other people be themselves. its not hurting you to simply accept and nod at the buckaroos you think look strange. let us exist

#actually autistic #chuck tingle #tingleverse #buckaroo lifestyle

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shotmrmiller · 4 months

Text

When Johnny takes Simon to his home, and you open the door, Simon's heart stops beating. You direct that lovely smile he's fallen in love with at Johnny as you hug him and usher him inside. Simon's frozen in place, his body refusing to move, because gods, you're a fucking dream.

And then you turn your attention towards him, with ruddy cheeks and pink lips and a delicate neck he could easily wrap his hand around—

"You must be Simon!" and his cock starts to stir. All you said was his name, in that angelic voice of yours, and his blood started to rush to his groin.

When you move to wrap your arms around him in an embrace, he finally breaks from his trance and returns it. Barely. It's awkward— one arm coming up to inelegantly pat your upper back a little too hard, and the other stiff at his side. But you seem completely unbothered, just giving him one last squeeze and step back, holding both of his arms in your dainty hands, and you say, "It's great to meet the one that keeps my Johnny safe. Now, come on in, make yourself at home!"

Simon timidly walks inside, and closes the door behind him, and utters, "Thank you for lettin' me stay here."

The joyful laughter you let out sends exquisite prickles up his spine. "He actually speaks! I'm surprised, Johnny said it took a bit for you to warm up to others," and you give another stomach-fluttering giggle. "You're welcome here any time, Simon. Now let me take you to the room you'll be staying in."

Simon has to carry his duffle bag in front of him as you lead him to the guest room to cover the throbbing erection he's got. When you leave him to freshen up, he wastes no time in pulling his jeans down and taking himself in his hand, stroking firmly. When his imagination paints a picture of you wearing an apron while cooking a meal for him, his vision blurs as he climaxes.

--

Simon knows he's atypical. He has no real decorum. He tells piss-poor dark jokes, inadvertently stares at people when he's lost in thought— and since he's been here, Simon likes to shadow you.

But you don't seem to mind any of it. You laugh at his jokes, the ones Johnny never fails to scoff in disgust at, you tilt your head innocently towards him, silently questioning his intense gaze — and it's so fucking adorable that he's come to that look 8 times in the last 3 days— and you always ask him to reach for things that are out of your reach because you know he's around. (Johnny made a joke once, said that you're being haunted by a ghost, and the quip you replied with as you came to his defense had him dizzy.)

His favorite thing about you though, is how unafraid you are of him. You had rounded a corner and saw his skull mask for the first time, and had you been like any other woman, you would've been startled. But you hadn't been— If anything, you asked him if he wanted it fixed.

"I can see a couple of tears here, Simon. I can patch it up if you like."

It was so deliciously domiciliary that he counted each stitch of his mended mask with his thumb as he touched himself that night.

And then, through the thin walls of the home, he suddenly heard your dulcet moans. He quickly got up and put his skills to use— silently crossing the living room and leaning against the wall closest to your bedroom door.

The bed repeatedly creaked and every choked moan that left you, Simon heard clearly. He hastily took out his achingly hard cock, spit on his palm, and stroked himself to the rhythm of the slapping of skin. Squeezing his eyes shut, he fucked himself to the thought of him being the one in there with you.

He has no doubt that you'd feel heavenly. Your slick cunt swallowing his turgid length, walls almost painfully tight around him. You'd beg for him to hammer into you, relentlessly, mercilessly. You'd tell him to bite the crook of your shoulder once you were about to come around his cock, and when he actually hears you reach your peak, he rhythmically tightens and loosens his grip, imitating your fluttering walls. His toes are curling inside his socks, he's so bloody close—

And then Simon hears your lascivious voice murmur, "Come in me."

He bites his lip so hard it splits under the pressure as he comes. Tiny, hushed whimpers seeped from behind his mouth, as hot cum spilled onto his fingers, and trickled onto the floor.

The only noise Simon can hear now is his own shaky breath— the fun's over on both sides, it seems. He looks down, gives his softening cock one more stroke, wringing out the last of his seed, before tucking himself away, and sluggishly wiping his mess off the floor with his foot.

He quietly moves, heading back to his room, when he spots your laundry basket in the utility room.

Simon has never believed in luck until now when he's sniffing your knickers in the privacy of the guest room, and he realizes they've been worn. And by how strong the smell of you is, they've been used very recently. He felt like he won the goddamn lottery.

Wrapping it around his cock, he touches himself. Again. And when he comes, he makes sure to spurt his cum directly onto the gusset of the undergarment.

Come morning, when they're all stiff and crusted, he laments that he didn't lick them first, in a pitiful bid to experience a taste of you, before stowing them into a secret compartment in his bag. He makes a mental note to remember to do just that when he takes another pair.

Simon wordlessly makes a cup of tea later, hissing as the hot liquid comes in contact with the small wound on his lip, when Johnny approaches him.

"Mornin' LT."

A grunt is his only reply.

Johnny then shoots him a sly grin.

"Last night, ye weren't as wheesht, as quiet, as ye thought. But dinnae worry, Bonnie doesn't ken a thing."

He claps a hand on Simon's petrified shoulders. "If ye wanted a slice of the cake, ye could've just asked. I dinnae mind sharin'."

Simon gives him a borderline-demented look, puts his tea down on the counter, and clears his throat.

"When?"

#call of duty #simon ghost riley #cod mwii #johnny soap mactavish #simon ghost riley x reader #simon ghost riley smut #johnny soap mctavish x reader #simon riley x reader #simon ghost smut #cod mw2

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coco-oats · 5 months

Text

Strategies I use to…

Reconnect with myself˚◞♡ ⃗ *ೃ༄

Hiiii, here is a list of some things I do in order to reconnect with myself!

When I feel down, overwhelmed, mindless, or just not like my usual self, these activities are my saviours.

• Physical activity!!! - You know I had to put this one first, girl. Strength training, stretching, swimming, running, walking, dancing, playing sports, etc. Physical activity makes me feel amazing and gives me a total confidence boost, I’m just in my element.

• Meditation - Deep breathing, relaxing music, clear mind, I love it! I feel a deep sense of connection with myself and the universe when meditating. It’s also just a great reset if you’re in a negative mood, I feel totally cleansed afterwards.

• Pampering!!! - face massage, gua sha, long hot bath/shower, full body massage, cute treat/drink, ice roller, positive affirmations, comfy clothes, favourite movie, and so on.

• Get creative - Getting creative is a good way to express and connect with yourself. Doing something artsy always reminds me of when I was a kid, and writing is a great outlet for my creativity.

Drawing, writing, sculpting, painting, colouring, knitting, crocheting, etc.

• Journaling - I love journaling so much. It’s a good way to check-in with yourself, learn about yourself, and release your emotions. I feel a lot more in tune with myself afterwards.

I’ll write about : Things I am grateful for, my dreams and desires, goals I’m working towards, my favourite things about myself, my feelings, etc.

• Expressing myself - Often, the reason for me feeling disconnected with myself is because I’ve hidden or ignored my true feelings/thoughts/self. I mean obviously masking yourself makes you feel disconnected with yourself…

My strategy is to openly express myself confidently. I share my feelings and opinions, and I don’t try to hide who I am. I don’t care what people think of me, I will never be ashamed or embarrassed of my authentic self.

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