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villainoir · 4 days

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𝕜𝕚𝕟𝕥𝕤𝕦𝕘𝕚

“If I can’t have that huge ass happiness, then let me hold on to those crumbs in peace,” I said to a dear friend during a typical midnight breakdown.

I was left by many in 2023, and every time I had a new reason to smile, it turned into tears. A time stretched arduously looong as though I was forcefully flown through multiple lifetimes in the span of a year. Birth, death, birth, death, birth, death. I was tied to this roller coaster of emotions, actions, and misperceptions. Hell is like that, or so I heard.

Sure, this year, I was rejected by Oxford, Cambridge, and the first round of LPDP scholarship. My apartment handover was postponed and my career faced a significant block. But anyone close to me would know those were not the reason. Despite my efforts, I never care too much about achievements.

In contrast, I bend over backwards for relationships. All or nothing. Ride or die. You name it. A recipe for disaster knowing this paradox of love: if we let someone be the reason for our happiness, we also give them the authority to hurt us the most—eventually.

While sweeping my eyes to admire each laying dog and how cute their wagging tails were, I paused between laughs to ask myself, “Am I ready to take that chance?”

I lied when I said I wanted to meditate. I recited a silent prayer for the happiness to last a bit longer. My mind was on a parade despite the serenity of that afternoon. The scars opened and screamed, “Come on, we can’t take another ride around the loop! You are happier when you are alone!”

Once and for all, it is time to rip those flashes of moments that are etched deeply in my skin and form them into boxed fictions, putting a distance between where the book ends and the new one begins. Shelved. Or burned. A necessary step back. This one is a storm to drench the fiery parade that will no longer be part of the tickling clock.

---

Neo-Noir

My last post on Instagram was dated October 23, 2021, before I took a 15-month hiatus from social life—every kind of it. A review of “Minor Feelings” that marked the autopilot mode devoid of all feelings. This was when I wrote fiction on apocalypse, psychopathy, and starcrossed lovers to ease the pain, hiding behind a femme fatale from The Seventh Victim or Scarlet Street.

This is a neo-noir because I brought the numbness to myself. Mother taught me love means sacrifice. Compromise, at the very least. Something that is far from pure happiness as I believed and would always rebel for my right to believe. Because I should know my relationship with Leo would not work the moment I proposed an open relationship as a solution for an untamed desire. One night stand never intrigued me, so what the hell was I thinking?

But I also believe the foundation of long-term love is friendship. I was not a perfect partner either, always swaying around agnosticism and mysticism while dodging those who wanted to tie me down into something too small for my being. Spiritual freedom is the pinnacle of my self, so I gladly traded it with someone who was beyond supportive of my strange journey. If that was the price I had to pay to be unapologetically me, then be it. On top of that, Leo took care of me very well. Until he went to Bali and met someone. The forgotten agreement was suddenly set into motion.

Without reminiscing the excruciating details, I was soon overwhelmed by another foreign concept: a polyamorous marriage. Breakup or that. He invited me to Thailand to met his partners—yes, plural—and showed me how joyful that arrangement was. We finally did meet over dinner. I stayed and conversed well. Laughed occasionally even with a lump on my throat. But the moment I arrived at his apartment, my tears flowed like a river in rain. I did not sleep to sit at the balcony until dawn, wondering how futile life was then praising myself for not jumping from that height.

He opposed the idea of settling down in Indonesia, refused to “kiss his parents’ asses" by being fake, and clearly dumped the responsibilities on me. “I did not have the heart to leave you alone,” he pledged, but he did have the heart to do all of these?

I hugged him goodbye for the last time, never met him again, and spent all the money I save for marriage to do something extremely out of my comfort zone: signing up to the gym.

---

Psychological Horror

The nightmare with Aries started of spite.

I wanted to prove I could get a man in a snap to replace Leo—as he always said to be honest. My first relationship with Scorpio conditioned me with a doctrine that I was unlovable and no other man would want a melancholic/sensitive woman like me except him, so it was natural I got carried away to desperately crawl outside the hole I thought I left years ago. However, anything that started with ego would not end in sincerity. Honey, it was not “Oh, finally someone like me after all these years,” but you were never single! No sane man would steal a glance at someone whom they thought was in a wholesome relationship.

Aries was my personal trainer. Being naive, I did not know the dynamic of the gym and how naturally flirty these trainers were. Since I was recently single, I was open to getting to know everyone even if this man was totally out of my ideal type. Much younger, use TikTok, can’t speak basic English. But I was alone, and I enjoyed talking to someone, including through the phone. I ignored all the softer flirtatious remarks as long as I could laugh during the sessions. Strictly friends, I often reminded him.

It went out of hand as fast as he offered to marry me in less than five meetings. Lately, I understood he was just a pathetic half-baked religious man who was dying to have sex. If marriage was the way, then be it. Screw the simple math: Could he pay for my needs? Could he make me happy? People did not take an oath just because they were horny, stupid. I was stunned but not impressed.

One damned night, I laid in my bed after taking an allergy pill. I itched all over my body because of bed bugs at my house in Bogor. Although a bit drowsy, I received a call from him. The next thing I knew, I froze in time.

I should know “What are you wearing right now?” was not a decent conversation starter. I could hear everything clearly. The stroking, the moaning, the friction between skin and sheet. I wanted to throw up but I could not.

We do not talk enough about how victims of sexual abuse tend to rationalise their experiences due to feeling ashamed. Questions like, “Am I responsible for this by leading him the wrong way? Do I deserve this?” occupied the mind. Furthermore, I did not trust anyone at the gym. I was afraid my complaint would not be taken seriously. My hunch was apparently correct when later on, I found out the Fitness Manager made WhatsApp stickers using the photos of staff and members, including mine which was taken without consent.

Regardless of the obvious red flag, during March, I tried to forgive what Aries did and continued the session. It was a one time mistake, I convinced myself. I decided to observe the situation and dropped some enticing baits to secure text proof since the cursed call was not recorded. Wrong moves. I only put myself in danger.

Not including what he said right to my face, some of the texts sounded like this:

“Kapan badan kita bisa menyatu?” (With a shirtless pic) “Aduh aku lupa udah minum hormon apa belum jadi aku minum lagi. Kayanya udah deh, jadinya aku tegang banget gimana ya.” “Aul aku udah ga tahan banget nih. Kok kamu bisa tahan sih?” “Aku mau tanya tapi jangan marah ya, punya mantan kamu segede apa?”

But the most hurtful is this remark:

“Aku nerima kamu kok, tapi aku yakin suatu hari kamu akan balik ke agama yang bener dan jadi perempuan soleh. Aku akan selalu doain.”

Come on, had he seen his text?! I might not be religious but I have a high moral standard. It came from the heart, not holy texts or pretentious preachings.

Aries believed what happened was simply a couple’s misunderstanding and we had a love story in the making. Hence, he only changed for two or three weeks. Afterwards, and I was only cognisant of this after I rewound the scenes backwards, he took every chance to touch me, performed exercises in the empty corner of the gym, called “sayang” and endlessly flirted to the point I burst into crying. For god sake, shut your filthy mouth up!

But there was someone who noticed my frowns.

“Kak, kenapa? Kalau dia ngeselin pukul aja,” Taurus said while offering a boxing glove to my clenched fist. And the protective, “Heh, tangan lo jangan kemana-mana tolol,” every time Aries tried to hug my back. Sometimes he interjected the workout by showing an alternative form, sensing his friend did not do a good job.

I assumed I had found someone dependable at this gym just in time after I had that meltdown.

“Kamu kenapa? Udah ga enak banget mukanya. Kemarin aku denger kamu ada keluhan tapi aku lagi cuti ke Bali. Gapapa, cerita aja sama aku.” “Boleh minta nomor kamu?” “0857xxx. Nanti telepon aja ya. Aku selesai ngajar jam 8.”

I can’t believe that 30-minute hate-fueled complaint call in the last day of March is the longest we ever talked on the phone until this day. Like a true madman, Taurus like(d) me despite that unremarkable first impression.

---

Romantic Comedy

“Kalau aku mau ganti PT pilihannya siapa aja ya? Agak takut.” “Kamu maunya yang gimana?” “Ga tau. Kamu lebih tau tim kamu, jadi kamu aja yang pilih.” “Sama aku aja ya?” “Kamu advanced trainer, kan? Harga kamu beda ga sih?” “Gapapa, kan aku Team Leader-nya. Aku juga yang approve, yang penting kamu jangan sampe berenti gym, oke?”

Taurus was my saviour. He made me feel safe in the most alien place I had ever been. We connected effortlessly as if we shared the same frequency. Not a single joke landed flat. He even praised me for leaning towards agnosticism since he thought it was a brave decision. He also told me he identified with one religion but did not care about the rituals. Great, someone who would not make a big deal out of my situation. On top of that, the workout program worked well. This body is his masterpiece—yet wrapped in “do not touch” from now on.

On my end, I never planned the relationship to blossom, especially after the traumatic experience. We agreed to keep the offender in the gym out of kindness and only gave him a warning letter. “Just focus on me, all right?” Taurus soothed me every time my anger burst whenever I accidentally crossed paths with Aries at the gym. His patience shined in responding to my rage-fueled question, “Kamu pernah semarah itu sampai pengen bunuh orang ngga?” He laughed and replied, “Pernah kok. Sama, orangnya juga masih ada disini. Yuk, sekarang kita ke mesin…”

My feelings shifted to be more than a good friend after Eid. I invited my younger brother for a trial session and they connected so well despite my brother being an awkward introvert. They magically bonded over their love for Japan. I never thought having someone who could be close to my family to be a determining factor in choosing a partner, but he showed me I was more of a family person than I acknowledged.

And we? We bonded over broken hearts, broken homes, even deaths. I would never win the pity party, though. I lost a cat, he lost a grandmother. My father left me to the Netherlands, he left with a mistress he met at Neverland. I admired how he grew from adversities, standing tall in his own feet when life seemed to move against him since he was just a child. If I had to submit to a man, it would be to someone with that overflowing resilience.

We had this type of half-flirting, half-insulting.

“Nanti kalau kamu nikah mau adopt anjing ga?” “Mauu, kamu suka anjing apa?” “Aku apa aja sih. Kamu aja udah kaya anjing.” “Ih. Coba liat fotonya, menurut kamu mana yang paling lucu?” “Kamu jenis apa?”

And this type of joke.

“Gimana sih anjing gerakannya.” “Sekali lagi nanya aku bunuh kamu.” “Yuk, pisau di apartemen aku gede-gede loh.” “Ih serem Ardista.” “Lah?”

Still, we were alike in one path: a cancelled marriage plan. Apparently, like mine, his Bali trip is a breakup trip. After being drained from having two failed long-term relationships, I told him I was not interested in another one. I was against wasting time on something that would not work. And he, also fed up with his past three girlfriends who cheated and used him for money, subtly agreed. Jokingly, I said I only wanted to engage in a taaruf-style relationship; knowing each other through a series of in-depth discussions and then straight to marriage. That set the tone for our conversations.

“[…] Nah dari situ, jujur aku agak ngeri sama pernikahan. Kayanya malah merugikan buat perempuan.” “Tergantung pasangannya si menurutku.” “Tapi di keluarga besar aku sendiri […].” “Ya semua hubungan dan pasangan gitu memang ada masalah ga sih? Makanya pernikahan itu ibadah, memang jalaninnya sulit.” “Iya lagi. Pinter banget kamu. Terus orang-orang yang malas ibadah kaya kita gimana? Wkwk.”

On his end, it was a blurry line. Since the beginning, he never called me “Kak Aulia” as everyone else at the gym, speaking volumes about how he saw me as a potential god-knows-what but not solely as a gym member. He asked about my type, my idea of an ideal relationship, my monthly wage, my future plan, and many other things as if counting what he needed to prepare. To put it blatantly, if he could afford me. I did not know the answer, but he carefully crafted a facade that he could.

“Kalau nikah, kamu pengen tema apa?” “Princess.” “Mantap Princess.” “Barbie & Ken.” “Dih kocak. Terus kalau honeymoon, kamu pengen kemana?” “Astagaa berat banget obrolan kaya udah pacaran 2 tahun padahal baru kenal 2 bulan.” “Yaa sesuai potensi juga sih.”

I was happy whenever I received his text even at 23:00 when he had arrived home safely, tucked in a blanket. I was always excited to meet him. I was always one call away. I laughed the most from April to July thanks to him. It was so easy to get me under his skin, consensual this time, but he protected me like a crown jewel despite his wild tales of a foursome with his ex or a drunk sex after a random girl gave him a lap dance at the club. Those were only measurements of how much I could accept his past as he tried to be a softer man this time. Though he was experienced in nude, he claimed ours was his first interlude to emotional intimacy. He never shared his side of stories with anyone before me as he was never proud of those. He was afraid of being rejected for having imperfections. I wondered how could he build relationships out of pretence when I always love deep talk more than fancy dates.

But perhaps honesty was too scary for him.

The unconditional acceptance could feel overwhelmingly unfamiliar after twenty years of abuse, so he ghosted me in the end.

---

Melodrama

I personally do not approve of a relationship between a personal trainer and his client as it would be stained by a conflict of interest. It is very opportunistic for a man to flirt within a time slot paid by the woman. She deserves professionalism.

Still, as a leader, Taurus must know that too. His team looked up to him. Not when he gave a presentation on “manners.” The middle ground was for him to be promoted from Team Leader to Fitness Manager and stop being my personal trainer.

After Eid, I already knew he would leave to Bali by the end of 2023. But I did not know how messed up things would be in August.

Being exposed to the source of trauma messed my brain up. I finally exploded after knowing Aries was awarded for winning a national competition held by the gym, and the warning letter was not for sexual harassment but for poor sales performance. Out of anger for the situation and how it was handled, I shared screenshots of Aries’ shameless chats in Instagram close friends after inviting all the gym staff inside the list.

A furious moment of truth.

“Aku ga tau kalau aku jadi nyamperin kamu ke Trembesi nasib aku bakal gimana.” “Kita beda. Ini bukan tentang kamu." “Tapi yang megang kamu sekarang tuh aku, Ardista. Kamu itu tanggung jawab aku. Aku yang ditanya sama General Manager kalau ada ribut-ribut. Puas kamu? Udah dapet perhatiannya?" "Ya aku teriak-teriak karena kalian ga dengerin!" "Aku cuma mau kerja dengan tenang, Ardista. Aku kaya pacaran.. punya hubungan.. sama anak kecil tau ga.” “Kamu ga ngerasain inner battle aku setiap harus ke gym!" "Kan udah ada aku!" "Aku tau, tapi kalian pernah ga sih mikirin posisi aku pas tau sexual offender dibiarin gitu aja? Korban dia banyak, ga worth it dipertahanin. Karena kalian ga seriusin complain aku, makanya aku kasih sanksi sosial sendiri!” “Terus aku harus gimana? Dia juga team aku. Kamu privileged, ga pernah tau rasanya susah cari kerja. Please stop.” “Kenapa kamu selalu belain dia?” “Aku ga pernah belain dia. Aku ngatain dia tolol tiap hari. Aku bully dia, tanya aja yang lain. Tapi ga semua harus sesuai apa yang kita mau. Ga semua punya safety net kaya kamu."

The rest I wanted to forget. A traumatic conversation with the Fitness Manager who blamed me in the smoothest way he could. Two visits each to a psychologist and a spiritual healer. In the end, Aries resigned out of shame. As he should have months ago. It was the true experience of being a woman: we must take matters into our hands before change happens.

Before lashing out, I was torn between fighting for myself or securing my situationship with Taurus. I chose myself in the end, ready to never set a foot on that gym again and lose everything. But despite our arguments, Taurus stayed. I already signed up for 50-session, so I continued it after taking a break for three weeks.

However, we were never the same again.

Although we still had great conversations at the gym, he stopped texting me regularly, probably out of fear of being screenshotted and shared. Technically, I was already dating the busiest man who worked six days from 6 to 22, but before, we sometimes had dinner together. It was devastating, knowing he would leave soon yet we lost chances.

The first time we went out together was to have a drink at Chakra because I lost a stupid English day challenge. It took place after two or three times of failed plans. On the first failure, I rescheduled a meeting with my friend, bought a new dress, styled my hair, beaming with excitement...

only for him to cancel two hours before.

I understood the first because he had to accompany his late grandmother in the ICU, but it became a habit to the point I was always anxious whenever he made plans. Because most never happened. To this day he still owes me a drink, a proper dinner, and a visit to my apartment which I booked so that we could talk after all the restaurants are closed at 22:00.

Even our farewell dinner almost did not happen. At least he managed to reschedule it earlier.

“Sampai ketemu 4 tahun lagi deh kalau gitu. Kamu udah PhD, aku juga udah naik lagi jadi General Manager. Target aku umur 30 tahun kok.” “Tapi kan aku 34.” “Gapapa, kan? Nanti kita sama-sama udah santai. Udah tenang.” “Hmm, mungkin kita ketemu lagi, tapi aku akan gendong anak dan sama suami.”

So, this was it?

I was upset because he said he would consider finding a job as a personal trainer abroad where I would be finishing my PhD. I added Sydney to my university list because it would be easier for a dependant to find a job in Australia. That was my train of thought. Not to equate women with objects, but was I worth less than a property? If you wanted to buy an apartment you never simply said you wanted it.

But what else can we do? Fate had not been the kindest to us except for letting us meet. Two people with opposing backgrounds who would not cross paths in a million chances. If moving on would be the next chapter, I wanted to make him happy for the last time so that my upcoming path would be smoother. So, as he wished, I cut my hair short, made a day in my life video, and scheduled a visit to Bali. I wished him good luck. The last thing I wanted was burdening him.

“Dulu aku selalu nunggu Leo sebelum ambil keputusan, tapi sampai akhir dia ga pernah ada kejelasan. Gara-gara itu, beban 4 tahun aku pepetin di setahun ini. Aku tuh baru menata hidup juga, tau. Mulai Maret, lah. Kamu paham maksudnya?” “Paham. Jangan mengorbankan sesuatu yang pasti untuk sesuatu yang belum pasti?” “Semacam itu. Jadi, semangat ya ke Balinya. I will be okay.” “Aku rencana kesana cuma sebentar kok, Ardista. Paling lama 3 bulan. Habis itu aku balik lagi kesini untuk gantiin X sebagai Fitness Manager.” “Emang bisa kamu ngatur kaya gitu?” “Ya harus bisa. X juga udah proses naik jabatan dan pindah, jadi nanti bakal ada spot kosong. Tapi aku harus ambil ini dulu biar naik. Kalau ga bisa ya aku cari kerja lain hehe. Aku kan lulusan SMA, jadi aku perlu jabatan terakhir as a manager supaya itu yang diliat saat ngelamar.” “Oke, aku doain ya meskipun ga pandai berdoa. Aku akan disini-sini aja.”

I expected we could at least spend the night together after that conversation. More talking, cuddling, and showering each other with affection. But no, we did not. Taurus was a champion at restraining himself.

Until the end, I was never sure of what he wanted. In our last PT session together, he still asked:

“Ardista, kamu suka mobil apa?” “Jeep wrangler.” “Kamu nyiksa aku namanya.” “Lah aku ga paham mobil.” “Pilih yang ada di bawah aja. Yang warna apa?”

We spoke in riddles. Subtexts.

Taurus said he did not want to be sad seeing me saying goodbye. But I did not expect I would know he left from a mere Instagram story. Was I not worth a farewell in flesh and bones? How about a goodbye kiss like in a movie? Even my friend was baffled knowing we never kissed after the kinds of conversations we shared.

Out of 26 Saturdays in the six months we were together, not a single day he spent with me outside the gym. Aside from occasional meals, he never bought any gift even though he said he used to transfer all his money to his ex on pay day, proving his generousity. Therefore, how could I believe his words or his glorious big plans when nothing happened on my end? Why would I be with someone who never makes time for me and leaves me alone all the time? The message I received was this: I was not the one for him. Whatever we had was not enough to change him.

Taurus and I could be friends with so many benefits but we did not, fixating on the overbearing shoulds. I give you one should: We should have known better. That unfortunately, no matter how much we adore each other, we would not work. The wall was too fucking high. I wanted to tear it brick by brick, he wanted to build an elevator. The thing was, no matter which strategy we chose, it was not supposed to be a one person’s job.

We should stop the story at him being my saviour and nothing more. Because that way, he was a perfect man. Now let me erase the stained memoir and have this fantasy.

---

Memoir

A friend’s boyfriend opened my eyes to the way I romanticise life. I am that man in “American Beauty” who shoots a video of a flying plastic bag and sees beauty in the ordinary. The things I encounter, I put them inside a gallery like Jeff Koons and his urinoir. I somehow possess an ability to turn specks of dust into glitters.

Likewise, without my closest friends, I would easily forget how much I cried during the cancelled date nights, dry texts, and ignored voice notes. I never understood the contrasting duality of a person. Which side was the real them?

“Ardista, menurut kamu aku mampu ga ya di Bali?” “Jelas mampu dong.” “Hari-hari aku pasti sepi banget ga ada kamu. Aku mau fokus kerja aja. Kalau misal aku udah disana, kamu mau ga ngunjungin aku?” “Tergantung, diajak jalan-jalan ga?” “Yaa, kalau pas aku libur sih. Kan aku kerja.” “Ya terus ngapain? Nanti udah jauh-jauh ga ketemu juga.” “Ih gitu… Emang aku ga ada artinya kan buat kamu? Kamu udah pelan-pelan ngehapus aku dari hidup kamu ya? Bentar lagi aku dikeluarin dari close friends.”

My trip to Bali should be the nail in the coffin. Thankfully I went there with a friend for a melukat ceremony. Taurus’ money was tight so he could not meet me outside, but would accommodate a meeting at his kost. This happened after a certain period of no contact. The next morning, I was on the car from Ubud to Kuta, so I texted him saying I would be there in two hours. He did not answer numerous calls, and then texted that he overslept.

As expected, he changed his mind the moment I was that close, never from the beginning when I was miles apart. He said his place was untidy, and then, he wanted to be alone as he was not in the right state of mind—would he ever? He hoped I would understand that.

I was always excited to meet him.

But I was tired of his antics. The hot and cold behaviour and guilt-tripping looked like textbook traits of a fearful-avoidant. This game was a mental torture that left long-lasting emotional damage, even when I started to see a new person. I was unreasonably anxious before each meeting because I had so many of these.

“Ardista, I need your support.” “Eh gimana kemarin assessment-nya? Ke apartemen aku aja yuk ngobrol.” “Boleh kesana? Tapi aku baru bisa malem banget.” “Iya, boleh. Ga ada jam tutupnya. Kabarin aja.” At 00:00. “Kamu ga jadi kesini ya? Aku nungguin…” “Oh maksudnya ngga hari ini Ardista, aku tadi blablabla.”

I was always excited to meet him.

I never once doubted his deep affection for me, but I was not sure if he could manage a relationship in his current state with chronic trust issues. When he was not fully healed from the past, casually dumping the trauma from his exes on me. Being put in the same cluster as them made me furious. When they disapproved his job, I became an insider, befriending all the staff. They were the ones who wronged him, but why was I the victim? His rough past was not supposed to be a free pass to hurt me.

He did not say anything when I was sick. When I was not accepted to LPDP. When I posted a New Year Instagram story thanking the precious friends behind my smiles in 2023. When I gave him a four-page handwritten thank you letter to be read alone once he arrived in Bali. To this day, I still do not know if he ever read it.

Nevertheless, I gave him the last chance. He left in October, so I waited for three months as he promised: November, December, January. No contact except for short Instagram story replies. I went to the gym in the first week of February with anticipation but he was not there. How much longer should I wait? Was that promise next to a leg press still valid? I gave him an extra month.

In March, he was not back in Tangerang.

I was done. I did not need any more closure. I was so tired of being sad that I no longer felt sad. I only wanted happiness, and I wanted it now. Unconditionally. With or without him. PhD or no PhD. Alone or with a lover. I remember watching Vidi on Podhub, and it struck me that people with chronic illnesses are always the happiest because they know it should be the core experience of being humans. Health, wealth, family, and loved ones could be taken anytime, but your happiness is yours and only yours to create, keep, and share.

From 500 Days of Summer to JCSDFF, boys love conjuring heroic things in their minds with their imaginary version of a person. For every grand intention, if you see it carefully, nothing happens on the girl’s end. Only ideas that never materialise into actions.

On the other hand, I knew he could spin this story into a tearjerker depending on the genre you like: I leave him for a richer man even though he sacrifices blood, sweat, and tears by working like a dog. I leave him for someone who owns a car instead of a motorcycle since all women are materialistic. I leave him for someone privileged who does not have to worry about his grandmother's hospital bill because life is always unfair to him.

Those were all wrong. I had my money. I accepted him as he was. I genuinely did not mind working hard to heal and figure things out. But it was no longer my business.

Still, I wish him love. He needed it more than he would admit. And I never regretted giving him what he needed. I also grew a lot after meeting him. He deserved the letter.

In the middle of March 2024, I got typhoid fever. It was as if my body tried to get rid of all toxins and impurities, including the affection that ruined me more than uplifted me. It was the peak that marked a huge shift in my life.

After spending time alone, not contacting anyone except for work and gym, I tried to reconnect with reality. I checked unopened messages on my WhatsApp, listened to voice notes from almost two months ago, and re-installed Instagram. It was not as long as the 15-month hiatus, but still. I scrolled through direct messages from friends, and in the spirit of getting out of my bubble: message requests.

Today, I let go of all expectations. I am already happy, so another factor will only add to my happiness, but not subtract it. What would be the worst-case scenario? Being alone? Then I would move to Bali around 40, buying a house and raising dogs there. I could save a lot from my PhD scholarship. It does not sound so bad. I am no longer afraid of the uncertainties of the future.

Today, I would rather choose someone present. Someone who would choose tough discussions over miscommunications and realistic plans over promises. Someone honest in his kindness.

Today, I would rather be with you.

---

Action

My 2023 prayer is to fall in love, and I am grateful to accomplish it after believing I cannot fall in love again. Unfortunately, I forgot including being loved back in that prayer. So, in 2024, I fixed the wording. I prayed to fall in love and have a loving relationship with that person.

Frankly, because of 2023, I never doubt my ability to fall in love again. I have lots of energy to go on fun dates and am always curious to know someone new. There must be something to learn from every encounter. I do not mind repeating all the stories and narrating my life before him bit by bit. I am in for the beautiful experiences even with a chance of turning them into dreadful memories. In life, we have to take risks.

This whole 2023 experience only shows me what I am capable of. I am loving the way I want to be loved; a love that is freeing. I did my best and regretted none. I have said everything that needs to be said. Now imagine if I direct all my efforts to the right person. My love tank is the size of a reservoir, so I cannot pour it into someone who only has a bucket full of pebbles. Receiving is a part of loving.

This time, I have no goal. Perhaps thinking about marriage and all unconsciously burdens me. I just want to enjoy and explore the connection with good faith. If we are destined to be together for the rest of our lives, we would, even without incessant prayers and grand promises. Please take the wheel, dear God. No questions asked.

So long, 2023. I survived yet left with broken pieces. But I hope you see the golden fixes.

Welcome, 2024. Let’s start anew, shall we?

Ardista, May 2024.

0 notes

rivalishq · 2 years

Photo

THE HEADMASTER

Full name: Harold Knox

Age: 64 (at death)

Gender: Cis man

Pronouns: he/him

Alignment: Lawful good.

Mutant class: Kinetic

FC: Bill Nighy

Availability: NPC

BACKGROUND.

Born to a family of wealthy British socialites, Harold’s early life was as blessed as one could possibly picture. When he turned twenty two he took over the family business, Prism, which sold eyeglasses and contact lenses. After twelve years of running the business he handed responsibility over to the board of directors and declared that he would be starting an academy for mutant children. On that day he also revealed himself to be a mutant. He was the Headmaster of The Oculus Academy for about two decades. His main objective was peace between humans and mutants.

STATS.

INTELLIGENCE: ▮▮▮▮▮▯▯ STRENGTH: ▮▯▯▯▯▯▯ SPEED: ▮▯▯▯▯▯▯ DURABILITY: ▮▯▯▯▯▯▯ ENERGY PROJECTION: ▮▮▮▮▮▮▯ FIGHTING SKILLS: ▮▯▯▯▯▯▯

POWERS.

Harold was able to summon dark matter at will. He could create it in the palm of his hand and control it. Like a miniature, malleable black hole, it could consume anything it came into contact with. The dark matter was freezing to the touch, and worked like a portal to a void dimension. Anything that got too close to the dark matter would be pulled in and instantly disappear. If left active for too long it would pull all of the heat and oxygen out of the room. Harold never created a void larger than a baseball for this reason. He only used his abilities to prove to other mutants he was one of them and that control was possible.

PERSONALITY.

Harold was an old-fashioned man, he prided himself on restraint and diplomacy. For the safety and well-being of his students there were many rules set in place, and while he’d be willing to hear out any argument, his stubbornness and ability to guilt-trip made it so that his students often didn’t voice their dissent to him without prompting. However, he was extremely forgiving and always gave people another chance, since he always saw the best in people. Overall, he was regarded as a wise, kind, and fair person, but out of touch with reality due to his privilege.

CONNECTIONS.

MR. MOE - Mr. Moe was a friend to Harold for many decades. They met shortly after Harold revealed his powers to the world, and in a way, Mr. Moe was Harold’s first student at the academy. However, Harold appointed Mr. Moe as a teacher and counselor as soon as Mr. Moe achieved control over his abilities. The two were good friends and always respected each other’s opinions. Harold loved Mr. Moe like a brother and the two were content managing the academy together.

GORGON - The relationship between Gorgon and The Headmaster, aka Hollis and Harold, was complicated to say the least. They met in the early eighties and Hollis was the first person Harold showed his powers to. they dated for a few years, but broke up due to a difference in opinion over whether or not they should work with the government. Over time their views polarized more and more, until it felt like they were on opposing sides of the fight they’d started. When Harold announced the Academy and Gorgon responded by adopting children, the two started to compete for the power to sway the next generation of mutants to their cause. They two still loved and cared for each other, despite their differences, but were too stubborn to compromise.

BLOODHOUND - Harold always felt a bitter distaste towards Bloodhound. Part of it was due to jealousy, of course, seeing his ex with another person. But his dislike for Bloodhound was mostly due to the fact that Bloodhound was vocally anti-human and spread the belief that all humans hated and feared mutants, which Harold fundamentally disagreed with. The two never really interacted in person, but the hearsay was enough to fuel resentment between the two.

THIS CHARACTER IS CURRENTLY A (DECEASED) NPC. THEY ARE WRITTEN BY THE ADMIN TEAM.

#c.#taken.#closed.#npc.#oculus.

0 notes

reidingmelodies · 3 years

Text

His God-Given Solace (Part II)

Summary: Derek and Penelope are determined to make you and Spencer realize your feelings- turns out, they’re a bit behind.

Genre: Fluff Word Count: 4.1K Pairings: Spencer Reid x fem!Reader; Penelope Garcia x Derek Morgan Includes: Kissing, Light Mentions of Food/ Alcohol, Brief Mention of Injury A/N: Thanks for all the love on part one, ily all tons ♡

Something was different. It was obvious in the way Spencer’s cheeks no longer matched the color of rubies when your name was mentioned. It was especially prevalent in the way you no longer fought Penelope when she claimed you were in love with Boy Wonder, instead opting to shrug and walk away with a ‘whatever you say, Pen’ thrown in her direction.

Thinking back on it now, Penelope couldn’t even remember the last time the two of you had interacted during work hours unless it was for a case. Her and Derek had been working overtime at getting the two of you together for the past few months, but as far as she could tell the only thing they’d done was pull you both apart.

***

Four Months Ago:

“We need to do something, Der! You should’ve seen Y/N when I mentioned her having feelings for Spencer this morning- it was so obvious” Penelope’s voice was hushed, eyes steadily fixed on the doorway as Derek sighed and rested his palm on her shoulder.

“I know,” he murmured, fingers steadily tracing patterns over the wool of her cardigan, “Reid was the same way. I don’t know what else we can do besides let them figure it out themselves though”.

A twinkle made its way to Penelope’s eye, mind already swirling with the ways she could prematurely force the two of you to admit your love.

With a raise of her brow she stood, fingers moving to dance along the edge of her lover’s jawline “Are you doubting my skills, Derek Morgan?”

His heart skipped a beat, putting a silent prayer of thanks into the universe for blessing him with the goddess that is Penelope Garcia. “Never, baby girl”, he let out in a gentle murmur, sealing his affirmation with a series of light kisses against her fingertips.

She beamed, pulling her fingers from his lips and instead using them to clutch the warm fabric of his collar and effectively bringing his lips closer to hers. She sealed the gap between their lips with bated breath, feeling time stop as she relished in the feel of his lips much like it did the first time they shared a kiss, and with each of the infinite amount of kisses they’ve shared since.

His left hand found purchase in the strands of her hair, his right swiftly moving to pull her hips flush against his. As a slight gasp left her lips he inwardly shivered, mind quickly moving to contemplate the chances of them losing their jobs for initiating some very not safe for work behavior. Luckily for both of them (because there was no way they were going to stop on their own accord), the clearing of a throat in the doorway snapped them both out of their reverie.

Their lips separated with the force of two opposing forces, bodies moving to leave a foot of space in between as they laid eyes on their intruder. Spencer was leaning against the doorway, shrinking into himself as his eyes roamed the room and a rosy-red hue made its way up his neck.

He cleared his throat, sparing a glance at the couple on the opposite side of the room. “I- I um- I hate to break up this love fest... but we’ve got a case”. With that, he turned on his heel and made his way to the conference room as fast as his feet would carry him.

Derek and Penelope swiftly followed in silence, but not without sharing a grin behind their friend’s back.

And as the two of them sat around the round table waiting for Hotch to begin the briefing they couldn’t help but notice the way you and Spencer gravitated towards one another. Your body found home in the seat next to his, both of your torsos twisted to face the other as he whispered something in your direction, no doubt regaling his tale of the compromising position he had found Derek and Penelope in.

You stifled your laugh under your hand, his lips twisting into a smile as a result of your happiness. The love was ever prevalent between the two of you, and as Derek and Penelope locked eyes a silent conversation took place between the pair: Let’s do this.

The days that followed found the team in Boston, the nights bleeding into mornings as the team was entirely buried in a case. On day six, the capture of the unsub as well as the saving of three hostages left the team in a state of bliss that Penelope took full advantage of in the hours before her family arrived home, busying herself with plans to unite the most stubborn people she knows.

And later that night, as she found herself cuddled into Derek’s side enthusiastically catching him up to speed on her ideas, a plan was officially put into action.

***

Three Months Ago:

“Hello my loves!” Penelope’s vivacious voice carried through the bullpen, her hands coming to rest on the back of the chairs you and Spencer were currently lounging on.

You glanced up at her, a smile immediately breaking out on your face as you took in the charismatic expression on her face.

“Hey Pen!” you whirled around in your chair, swiveling to face her as Spencer did the same.

“What are you two up to tonight, say around 7 or so?” She questioned you both, inquisitively observing the way Spencer’s eyes immediately gravitated to yours as if the answer to all of life’s mysteries laid in your hands.

Your eyes found his, and as the seconds passed Penelope felt as though she was intruding on a silent conversation. She watched as his eyebrows rose in your direction, your head slightly nodding in response and the smallest of smiles gracing both of your features.

“I’m free, so whatever you’re planning I’m in,” you declared with a smile and Spencer’s nod of agreement followed, albeit much more hesitant than your own.

The desire to ask about whatever it was that just transpired between the two of you was strong, but she and Derek had agreed that they’d be in charge of situation making but leave the actual falling in love part to the two of you.

She was definitely regretting that choice now.

“Great!” She started, placing her hand on her heart and leaning in close to her favorite lovebirds, “because Derek and I are going to see a movie tonight and I just know you’ll both love it!”

Spencer’s brows furrowed as he looked up at her, “What movie is it? If it’s the new sci-fi about the explorations of space then you’re definitely right. Did you know that they based the entire premises of the movie on Explorer 1?”

“I didn’t know that Boy Genius, but what I do know is you’re gonna have a great time tonight even though that’s not the movie we’re seeing,” on that note she left the pair to her own devices, but not before hearing you tell Spencer that the movie he was talking about seemed interesting and you should definitely go see it together (but not without teaching you about Explorer 1 first).

Yeah. You were definitely in love with him.

***

The movie was the definition of awful. The acting was brutal, the plot made no sense, and Penelope couldn’t believe this was the number one romance movie in the country.

What wasn’t awful though? Watching yours and Spencer’s romance come to life two seats down from her.

Penelope’s fingers were intertwined with Derek’s, his thumb tracing patterns against her skin. She nuzzled her head in the space between his neck and shoulder, laying a kiss on the fabric of his shirt as she twisted her body towards his, eyes drifting towards her favorite couple-to-be on the other side of him.

“As much as I wish this cuddle was just for me, baby,” Derek mumbled against her hair, “you’re using me to take a peek at Pretty Boy and his Pretty Girl aren’t you?”

She let out a noise of affirmation, lifting her head for a slight second to peck his lips before returning to the warmth that seemed to always radiate from his body. “Mmm-hmm and it’s working. Now let me spy in peace”.

Derek chuckled, taking a moment to look at you and Spencer from his vantage point. Spencer was sitting to the right of him, a container of popcorn settled on his lap. Every now and then your fingers would inch towards the bucket to grab a few pieces of your own, but not without brushing against his arm each time.

Derek watched as Spencer’s cheeks flushed each time your skin made contact with his, each flush accompanied by the brightest smile he’d ever seen on his friend’s face. He watched as you stole a glance up at Spencer whenever you thought he wasn’t looking, your lips slightly parted as you admired his soft features.

And later that night, when he and Penelope were lightly swinging their joined hands and observing the two of you from a short distance?

The mumbled conversations about space and the lingering glances between the two of you left one thing for certain in the couple’s eyes- you were definitely in love.

***

Two Months Ago:

“So, I was thinking we can have the team over for board game night,” Penelope’s voice rang from the bathroom as Derek got settled into their bed.

He shook his head, knowing exactly where his girlfriend was going with this, “and by the team you mean Reid and Y/N, right?”

Her melodic laugh met his ears, and he knew then and there that he got it right in one shot. He watched as she made her way into the bedroom, sitting on the edge of their bed to brush her hair.

She turned to look at him, letting out a brief sigh. “I thought they’d be together by now, I don’t know what they’re waiting for! But last time we said anything they were all weird about it and just- ugh!” Her head fell back against his chest as he wrapped his arms around her torso and laid a brief kiss on her head.

“As much as I love those two, I’d rather we didn’t talk about them in our bedroom, babe,” he smiled as she turned in his arms, her face moving until it was within an inch of his own.

His lips puckered, eyes slightly closing as he felt her warm breath fan over his mouth. As her lips brushed against his own he moved his hand to grasp her cheek, but when deepened the kiss she pulled back until her lips were just out of reach of his.

“Does this mean we can host game night on Friday?” she asked in the most innocent voice she could muster, lightly drawing her fingers down his side until he flipped them over, leaving his figure looming over hers.

“We can do whatever you want Baby Girl- just kiss me already,” he let out with a groan. And, well, who was Penelope to turn down a request like that?

***

Friday night came, and Derek found himself sitting between Penelope and JJ on the sofa, his gaze steady on your figure as you wiped away tears of laughter from the corner of your eyes. Spencer was jumping up and down, trying to give you all as many hints as he could at his word, but so far all he was doing was creating the perfect ammo for future blackmail attempts.

“Spence, what are you even doing?” JJ laughed from her spot next to Derek, falling into Emily’s arm that rested on the edge of the sofa as the two let their screeches of joy reverberate off the apartment walls.

Derek joined in, letting out a chuckle of his own. “Are you supposed to be a kangaroo or something?”

He watched as Spencer’s cheeks began to brighten, his jump faltering and his arms beginning to rise as he tried to think of another way to get his point across.

Turns out, there wasn’t a need as you leaned back from your spot on the floor and gently shoved Derek’s knee. He playfully scoffed, meeting your eyes as you glanced up at him. “Alright, Y/N, what do you think he’s doing then?”

A widespread grin made its way to your face and you tilted your head to lock eyes with Spencer. “Easy,” you proclaimed, “he’s pretending he’s in a mosh pit”.

A breathless “what?” left Emily’s lips at that, and even Hotch looked at you in confusion at your guess.

“Kid, I doubt that’s what he was doing,” Rossi started to let you down gently, only to have Spencer triumphantly place a piece of paper in his hand, the words mosh pit scrawled across the center in Penelope’s handwriting.

“Yes! I knew if anyone would get that it’d be you”, Penelope’s praise left a permanent smile on your face, one that only seemed to grow as Spencer claimed his spot next to you on the floor, his thigh coming to rest against yours.

Derek raised his brow in his girlfriend’s direction, a light squeeze of his thigh accompanied by a silent promise of I’ll tell you later. He brushed her hand in understanding, laying his focus on the pair in front of him for the time being.

The nervousness that was present a month prior at the movies was no longer there, instead replaced by an almost familiar sense of comfort between the two of you. When your hand brushed against Spencer’s as you gestured with your hands in the midst of a story he simply smiled, completely embracing the feeling of your skin against yours.

And when his palm brushed against your back later that night as you were putting your coat on there wasn’t a blush in sight. The actions spoke volumes to Derek, the comforting nature of your reactions a far cry from where the two of you were a month prior.

It was an odd change in pace, one that threw him for a loop because since when was Dr. Spencer Reid comfortable with casual touches?

In Derek’s mind, there was only one explanation that made sense- it was love.

***

One Month Ago:

So, maybe it wasn’t love. Maybe she and Derek were completely off their game, instead pushing two friends into something neither actually wanted. At least that was the only reasonable explanation Penelope could find for the two of you still not dating.

Her and Derek had tried everything. After she heard about how comfortable you both had been the month prior at game night she was convinced that you had admitted your feelings for each other behind closed doors.

Now though? Now it was like you barely spared a glance at each other unless it was an absolute necessity. Casual touches had become a thing of the past, the space between the two of you widening with each wayward glance cast your way.

She made it a habit to bring Spencer up in conversations with you, and likewise with him, as often as she could, but she was met with a diplomatic response each time, you face schooled into a poker face so perfect she thought you were both taking lessons from Hotch.

As she made her way home with Derek that night she couldn’t help but bring up the thought had been plaguing her mind. “I just don’t understand how a few months ago I was telling you he looked at her the same way you looked at me and now it’s like they’re strangers”. Her tone was quiet, head downturned in defeat as she thought back on the past few months versus the past two weeks.

A hum of agreement left Derek’s lips, his hand leaving the steering wheel to give hers a subtle squeeze. “I don’t think they’re strangers, baby- there’s definitely something there but maybe they just need some space from our constant hovering. Trust me, she’s still His God-Given solace,” he smiled at the chuckle that left her lips before he continued “even if they’re both in denial”.

“They really are in denial, aren’t they?” Penelope laughed, laying a kiss on his cheek once they reached a red light. “Thank you, my love,” she whispered.

“Anything for you, P, you know that,” he responded with a slight smirk, “even helping you and your schemes”.

***

The spying continued in the gentlest of ways ten days later when the pair found themselves face to face with the two of you at the end of a rough case. Penelope was waiting for the team at the elevator when you arrived, her arms instantly flinging to wrap around Derek.

His lips found solace in her hair, the scent of her shampoo and the overall feeling of home already bringing color back to the dreary state of his heart.

“How is she?” Penelope whispered against his neck, hand moving to gently rub his back.

Derek sighed, shifting his head to steal a glance at you. You were leaning against your desk, your eyes glazed over as you examined the stitches on your hand. You had come face to face with the unsub during the last case, and while you were lucky to escape with a concussion and a deep laceration to your hand it was too close of a call for comfort.

He sighed as he watched a tear escape your eye and moved to take a step back from Penelope to check on you. But before he moved an inch, Spencer was there with his hands gently cradling your head as you cried into his shoulder.

Derek watched as your arms encircled his neck, your fingers making contact with the loose strands of Spencer’s hair. He watched as Spencer’s lips brushed against your ear, his mouth moving with unheard words of reassurement.

You nodded as he pulled away, and the smallest of smiles graced your lips for the first time since you boarded the plane nearly a week and a half ago. Spencer grinned in return, his hands grasping the purple scarf wrapped around his neck, swiftly moving to wrap it around yours instead before he pulled you in for yet another hug.

The tears were still trekking down your cheeks, but the slight smile remained as you closed your eyes and nuzzled into his chest. There was no doubt in Derek’s mind as he watched the two of you together again after weeks of avoidance.

“She’ll be just fine, Sweetness,” he murmured against the top of Penelope’s head, sparing one last look at you and Spencer finding solace in one another in the middle of the bullpen.

And well, comfort like that? It could only mean one thing- it was love.

***

Present Day:

As if no time had passed at all, Penelope and Derek found themselves back at the bar that had started it all. In the weeks after your recovery you and Spencer had begun to distance again, the memories of the night Derek had witnessed him comforting you resembled a long lost dream at this point. If Penelope hadn’t looked back at the footage to see it for herself, he would have thought he made it up entirely.

Nowadays, they were lucky if the two of you talked during a case.

But, something else was different that night. Penelope watched as Spencer excused himself from his conversation with Hotch, leaving the table to ‘get some air outside’. It wasn’t anything out of the ordinary, but what was unexpected was the way you left the table to ‘use the bathroom’ only to turn left instead of right once you got there and heading out the doors Spencer had disappeared from.

And, well, there was no way Penelope wasn’t going to check that situation out.

She laid her palm against Derek’s thigh, playfully rolling her eyes as he wiggled her eyebrows in his direction.

She tilted her head towards the door once their eyes fully met, an unspoken command of let’s follow them dancing between their bodies. With one last sip of his beer, the two excused themselves and made their way out the door that had been graced with yours and Spencer’s presence only moments earlier.

The chill of the night air caused a shiver to run up Penelope’s arms, but nothing prepared her for the jolt of energy that ignited her soul when she spotted you and Spencer intertwined a few steps away.

Your hands laid their claim on Spencer’s torso, one bringing him closer to you by the back of his collar while the other remained settled against his side. His left hand continuously drew patterns on the plain of your side while his right held your face still and his lips hungrily moved against yours. The two of you were entirely lost in one another, the rest of the team clearly the last thing on either of your minds. It was a kiss of familiarity, and in that moment Penelope knew she and Derek had been played.

Her mouth dropped open, her eyes meeting Derek’s who looked just as dumbstruck as she was.

“I-I’m sorry what’s happening here?!” Her sudden screech of shock caused you and Spencer to look up, both of you jumping five feet apart as if that would erase her memory of the kiss she just witnessed.

She stepped forward with a hand on her hip, eyes moving up and down yours and Spencer’s figures while she committed your look of guilt to memory.

“And just how long have the two of you been keeping this from us?”

The visible swallow in your throat explained everything she needed to know.

“A month? Two? Three?” Her onslaught of questions continued as Derek stepped forward and placed an arm around her waist, chuckling at the look on both of his faces.

“It’s um,” Spencer cleared his throat and moved to give your hand a squeeze (and Penelope just barely kept from jumping up and down at that). “It’s been 3 months, 17 days, 12 hours, and 27 minutes if we’re um- if we’re being technical”.

Derek’s hand clapped his friend’s shoulder, a proud grin overtaking his features. “Look at you, Pretty Boy! I had no clue you had it in you”.

“I’m so happy for you guys!” Penelope’s praise released the tension in your shoulders, her acceptance all that mattered in that moment.

“Which one of our plans worked? And why were you acting like you hated each other?! We were so worried!”

“Wait what are you talking about?” Your nose crinkled in confusion at her questioning, turning to Spencer who looked just as confused as you felt. “We were trying to stay away from each other at work to keep things professional- but back to the important part- you guys made plans?”

Derek shook his head, gesturing towards Penelope with his right hand, “that’s all you, Baby Girl”.

She rolled her eyes at him, before facing you and Spencer, “when did you guys get together? Was it after the movie? Ooh or was it game night?!”

You laughed, thinking back on all the times you had caught them staring at you over the past few months. “No, actually- we ended up talking about how you thought I was in love with him about two weeks after we went to the bar a few months ago? Then Spencer told me Derek said the same and we realized you were right. We went on a few dates, and then that was that”.

Derek’s lips parted slightly, looking between the two of you in wonder. Because how two of the most clueless people in the FBI were able to get together so smoothly and keep it a secret was one of the greatest mysteries he’d ever heard. “That’s it?”

Spencer nodded, giving your hand a gentle squeeze. “That was it. We’re gonna head back inside. I guess it’s time we tell everyone else?” He threw a questioning glance your way and at your eager nod you both left Derek and Penelope standing in shock on the otherwise deserted street.

Penelope faced Derek, letting a laugh escape her lips at the absurdity of the situation. “So... we’re gonna consider this a win for us, right? This is our doing?”

A kiss was placed to her temple, Derek’s eyes portraying nothing but love and admiration for the woman in front of him. “It’s definitely our win, Sweetness”.

***

Permanent Taglist: @calm-and-doctor @reidyoulikeabook @shadyladyperfection

Spencer Taglist: @averyhotchner

HGGS Taglist: @bvttercupbby @padsfirewhisky @nighttimerain123 @harryspatternedshirts @liveloudwriteloud @sassy-hades @crankyhoefromtheyear3000 @m0thg1rl

Link to join my taglist ♡

#spencer reid x reader #spencer reid #spencer reid x y/n #derek morgan x penelope garcia #morcia #spencer reid x you #spencer reid self insert #criminal minds self insert #criminal minds fanfiction #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fluff #ash writes

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bisexual-dragon-larryisreal · 3 years

Text

POF THORUGH THE HOUSES🔮

1st House POF

You came into this life to be independent without harming or living in disdain of others’ beliefs. Highly competitive, you like the game of challenge and the thrill of the win. But you must win honestly, without cheating or harming others.

Your opposing position is the 7th and you must not become entangled in dependent relationships. You can be loving, supportive, and caring, and loyal without becoming dependent on the love from another for your happiness.

2nd House POF

You must discover what’s really important in life and stick by it. What makes you feel safe, secure, and on solid ground. 2nd house about security and about “things.” You must only have things that reflect the true-you. Think that painting your second cousin created is ugly? Don’t keep it out where you can see it. Be brave. Don’t’ fall into fads and other people’s expectations of what is of value.

You’ve earned luck with money (unless there are difficult aspects to your part of fortune or other planets in the 2nd). Your projects and goals, have to be in keeping with your true values in order for them to be financially successful.

Your opposing position is the 8th house of other people’s money and possessions. The trick to balance here is to discern what is yours from what belongs to others. This also applies to sexual values. Be your own person and, unless it harms others, indulge in your own sexual values.

3rd House POF

Language and words are important and joy comes from understanding how others think and experience the world around them. You strive to understand how relationships work. This helps you with self-clarity. Your earned karma is a talent for understanding the nature of relationships and communication and in sharing your wisdom with others.

Your opposing position is in the 9th house. Here, the pull is to dismiss the consciousness of humans and immerse yourself in spiritual connections. You might get lost in idealism and miss out of the reality that idealism is expressed through the minds of humans. Being a hermit in a cave or an ashram or pulls you away from the people you are meant to teach. Balance of body, mind, and spirit is your soul’s goal.

4h House POF

Your earned karma is about setting down roots, either figuratively or literally. Nourishing the beginnings of life, plants, pets, ideas, projects, and more are where you shine. Building emotional foundations that can stand the test of opposition is important. Know your heart and stay with it.

Your opposing position is the 10th. Learning that building a foundation that can nourish growth takes time. Impatience and wanting results in an instant will undermine your work. Giving up too soon will derail your destined path. Resist these temptations and your life will work smoothly.

5th House POF

Creativity, expanding the world of possibilities, and expression of your inner self is your earned karma. Dreams become realities, living in joy and happiness through your creations are your path to happiness. Whether you express through art, philosophy, music, empowering others, adventure, discovery, or whatever else, you must be creative to fulfill your chosen path.

Your opposing position is the 11th house. This is the house of friends, organizations, and the dreams and wishes of others. Do not be lured into changing your visions for those of others. Stay true to your creativity and be inspired by others without compromising your expression of what brings you joy.

6th House POF

Work and responsibility are your paths to joy. Using your time and energy will and in practical ways brings you fulfillment and satisfaction. You are good at teaching others how to do this, too. You are good at not becoming mired in the messiness of indecision and emotional quandaries. You can systematize and organize in a way that allows you to breathe freely and enjoy life without confusion and unnecessary burdens.

Your opposing position is the 12th house that draws you into the depth of emotions and inner worlds. To successfully work with the depth of human psyche and not become lost in its maze, compassion is needed. Without compassion, you become ineffective in leading a life of systematic organization. To balance the energies of the 6th and 12th, a study of astrology, Qabala, numerology, and such are systematic enough to address both organization and compassion.

7th House POF

With the POF in the 7th, you are happier and more successful in life when you are in a loving, stable relationship. Being in a loving relationship—of any kind—brings you in closer contact with your greater, spiritual consciousness. The more joy you bring to the others in your partnership(s) the more joy you find in yourself.

Your opposing position is in the 1st house of self-identity. Living out of the opposing position alone means you will always be seeking, but not necessarily recognizing the perfect partner. You have trouble finding your true identity because you never truly connect at a deep level to others. You will have a sense of disharmony and no clear purpose. Life feels meaningless and lonely, even when you are with someone.

The balance is to learn how to connect at a deep level with others. Feel what it is like for them. Experience their love for you and your love for them. Know that their needs are as important as yours. Be willing to sacrifice for the happiness of those important to you, knowing that they will do the same for you.

8th House POF

Others will always be there for you. Solutions will always appear when needed. Discovery of self comes through the gifts and blessings from others. Through others, you learn to be flexible, and welcome change and growth. Your curiosity about what makes things work, how others achieve greatness or amazing skills is what drives you to better yourself.

Your opposing position is the 2nd house of belongings, values, and security. If you live out of this position, you will seek happiness through having things and money. You won’t learn from the failures of others and will make the same mistakes over and over. The tug of war between house 8 and house 2 confuses you about what is worth holding on to and what needs to be discarded or released. The 8th house is there to show you everything that needs to be released because it is damaging or has outlived its usefulness. It will bring people into your life to show you the way. This applies to actions, behavior, people, and material possessions. If you don’t heed the call of the 8th house your life will be one of constantly collecting, acquiring, and being fearful of loss.

9th House POF

Truth, knowledge, wisdom, and expansion is your gift here. You seek to understand life beyond the material and mundane. You seek to know Truth. The far corners of the earth call you so you can experience life in its kaleidoscope of color and texture. You commune with nature and the cosmos itself.

The opposing position is the 3rd house of communication. But it is communication without deep understanding. It is often about defending your position and speaking AT someone or preaching, lecturing, commanding. Living from this point, you would tend to exaggerate, create “alternate” truths, express in ways that glorify you.

Balancing the 9th and 3rd, you have a gift of communicating in a powerful and persuasive way because it comes from a place of truth. You visit other lands to know the people and understand their way of living and communicating. You seek communion with the highest spiritual realms. You can become a great leader in the spiritual world and/or in the realm of helping others become empowered.

10th House POF

The gifts from having your POF in the 10th house are often problematic to achieve. It is about fame, being an authority, that is trusted by others, and living life by your own rules. This comes after sustained effort and developing the emotional maturity to handle it. Holding on to childish emotions or a need for adulation is likely to trigger a tumble from high places.

With opposing position in the 4th house, there is a pull to hide from public life because the compassion for the plight of the world can become a crushing responsibility. The balance is to understand what must be done with clear vision and understanding, having compassion without becoming trapped by it.

11th House POF

In this house, you have the gift of being a true visionary, able to look far into the future and see the path that must be taken for the greatest good. Independence from the traps of ordinary life are a strong urge and you carry a magnetic attraction for those who need to find their way.

The opposing position is the 5th house. This causes a restlessness and a feeling that you MUST do something for the world or for a cause. Sharing the burdens of the cause, project, or good works is grudgingly accepted for, if you don’t balance the 11th/5th axis, you always feel that you are the ONLY one who can do the job—that you are the chosen one and need no assistance. The balance is to realize that in involving others in the process, you are helping them in the highest way for their good.

12th House POF

This is the position of the meditator and seeker of inner peace. Discovering the truth of your inner self and the mysteries of the universe brings your greatest joy. The opposing position is the 6th house of duty. Here you might find yourself trapped in having to “do your duty” in the ordinary world and not be able to indulge in your inner work. The balance is to do your duty without identifying with it but realizing that everything can be a tool for inner reflection. The Zen saying, “What do you do before enlightenment? You chop wood and carry water. What do you do after enlightenment? You chop wood and carry water.” fits POF in the 12th house after a balance between the subtle and material world has been achieved.

POF in the Signs

The sign the POF is in and its opposite sign must be combined with the nature of the house where it resides. The signs show how you can balance the karma associated with the house placement of the POF and its opposing sign.

This is also true if you look at your North and South Nodes. The North node represents untapped possibilities (untapped in past lives). It represents emotional treasures you must work to uncover and develop. The North node is your potential in life. The South node shows stasis, stagnation, and resistance to the changes necessary in order to develop the potential of the North node—but that’s another blog.

Aries

You bring with you from past lives, bravery and a pioneering spirit. Aries is a me-first sign and sure of his decisions and beliefs. Libra is a you-first sign and will suppress her own feelings in order to “keep the peace.” Use the Libra’s ability to weigh pros and cons and to see more than one side of a situation, but don’t get caught up in indecision and living by others’ standards.

Taurus

Embrace what is solid and enduring. You bring with you the ability to build a firm foundation for your life. Don’t get trapped in the judgmental, critical, and observer mindset of the opposing sign. Root your mind in honesty, generosity, emotional involvement with love and the beauties of life.

Gemini

Knowledge, communication, and learning are the gifts you bring with you from past lives. The karma is from the opposing sign of Sagittarius that wants to expand, grow, shine, and experience the adventure of life without really understanding it. Sagittarius judges others without understanding them. Wisdom is the balancer of this axis. Learn, understand, and apply it wisely.

Cancer

This is the karma gift of love, nurturing, and deep emotional connections. A life filled with warmth and closeness is important for you. Your opposing sign of Capricorn, tries to pull you into distancing yourself from feelings and being more pragmatic. This is a good balancer if yo don’t deny your karmic nature of tender harmony with life.

Leo

Leo is about leadership, being a source of inspiration to others, and great achievements but needs to be recognized and repaid for their generosity. The opposing sign is Aquarius, the impersonal doer of good works that seeks to help the masses more than individual and shun personal involvement, the limelight and fame. The balancer is to consider both the individual and the masses. Give without requiring praise and return, yet graciously accept it when given.

Virgo

Virgo brings the gift of organization and analysis to find joy in order. The opposing sign, Pisces flows toward disorder and a let-it-be attitude. Pisces can pull you into a world of intuition, disorder, and deep feeling The balancer and path to joy is to embrace both worlds and to seek order in the nebulous flow of events and time. In Science, the discovery that there is order in Chaos opened up vast discoveries about the universe.

Libra

Libra needs balance, and defines herself by the reflection from friendships and relationships. Libra often has difficulty discerning priorities because she sees all sides of situations. The opposing sign, Aries defines himself by his own standards. Indecision is never an issue. Sometimes rash and in a hurry, Aries often leaves projects unfinished. The balancer is to develop a sense of self apart from others but still consider that they are a reflection of yourself. Take the gift of Aries’ bravery and willingness to take risks.

Scorpio

A Scorpio POF seeks to understand the mysteries of the universe. Scorpio tears down the old and worn out. He seeks to uncover deception and expose bare truth. There is no peace nor patience in pure Scorpio. The opposing sign of Taurus seeks to build a stable, secure existence. There is patience and a peace of mind in the security of a well-built foundation. The balancer is in building from a foundation of truth and in showing others new pathways to their truth.

Sagittarius

Truth, knowledge, and freedom are your keywords. Your fiery energy pushes for more and more, sometimes without a plan or an end in sight, reveling in the sheer joy of expansion. Often there is a directionless drive to have it all. The opposing sign of Gemini brings direction, discernment, and insight into the world of duality. Gemini makes decisions based on the dual nature of things. The balancer is taking the skill of Gemini to see two sides of situations, analyze, and make decisions into the drive toward freedom and expanding your horizons.

Capricorn

Capricorn POF is about form, structure, bridges, focus. The drive is to create in a purposeful, concrete way. You need to take life in your own hands and be in control. The opposing sign, Cancer is nebulous, emotional, watery, freely relying on intuition and “gut feelings.” Allowing the energy of Cancer into your life brings you the ability to experience deep joy in your accomplishments and to freely accept help from others without giving up your authority.

Aquarius

Aquarius POF brings out to the rim of society. You don’t play by the rules and forge your own way, logical or not. Possibilities excite you and you won’t be contained in societies’ box. Freedom and fairness are important. The opposing sign, Leo brings a desire for power and adulation for the gifts you give to the world. The balancer is to turn this need for power inward and transform it to self-empowerment and pride in the work you do the empowers others, too.

Pisces

Pisces POF is about oneness, universality, and the flow of energy that unites us all. Pisces seeks to escape the traps and ruts of mundane living and experience the music of the spheres. The opposing sign, Virgo is grounded, organized, practical. By embracing this part of you and bringing it into the nebulous world of Pisces, you can inspire and transcend the rules of the mundane world to help others discover the cosmos within.

*(I found all of this online looking on this topic)

#astrology observations #astrology notes #astro notes #astrology #aries #taurus #gemini #cancer #leo #virgo #libra #scorpio #sagittarius #capricorn #aquarius #pisces #zodiac signs

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veliseraptor · 3 years

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how about top 5 ways Yi City arc could've ended differently?

oh god, anon, there are so many and as long as Xue Yang comes out of them alive I’m on board for pretty much all of them, but I guess if I’m picking favorites...we’re talking, like, branch points anywhere?

1. The concept behind if living can be this where Song Lan makes a major moral compromise and ends up moving in. Whether or not secrets come out immediately is optional. Anyway! He got invited for a free lunch and he should take it.

Though I’ll go ahead and broaden this one and say any universe where Song Lan shows up and it doesn’t end in anyone dead (and specifically in eventually some form of cohabiting) which is a thing that could take many forms (I’ve written at least three) and they all have much potential for angst and misery and that good crunchy shit like that.

This is, in some ways, the most...functional??? of the five scenarios on this list. Alarming.

2. Xiao Xingchen comes back. Obviously this is the premise of the spectacular fic by @silvysartfulness, but I’m going to be here for anything where Xue Yang somehow manages to pull off the impossible/implausible and, sometime during the period of time between Xiao Xingchen’s death and Xue Yang’s death, brings him back from the dead. It’s not going to be good! Or easy! And you can do fun things with horror of many different types with this idea, in varying levels of darkness/dead dove to fix-it, depending on how you’re feeling. Obviously I’m going to prefer the latter. Or, well, really, some combination of both, but.

I am always a bit of a sucker for comes-back-wrong.

I also probably prefer Xiao Xingchen coming back after some period of time has passed, though I’m flexible on that - I like giving Xue Yang time to go through coming up with some kind of explanation for himself about how yes this was terrible but it’s going to be fine and they can totally figure this out, people have fights all the time and it ends up okay, it can’t be that hard.

(It is that hard. It is actually harder.)

Part of the appeal here, too, is even if Xiao Xingchen doesn’t come back wrong there’s still the trope of comes back fucked up, in the style of Buffy’s resurrection - beyond just traumatized by his death and what happened before it, being traumatized because he was brought back.

I love psychologically torturing characters for fun and no profit! That is a normal hobby, surely.

3. Xue Yang survives and goes on a horrible road trip with Song Lan. eyyyy will you look at that, another one I’m writing. look, I feel like ultimately I’m going to end up writing some form of everything on this list, sooner or later. I am just Like That and also that desperate.

There’s similarities, potentially, between this and above, but the thing about this one that’s different is the fact that Xiao Xingchen (at least for now! I always want to get him back eventually) is still dead, as is for sure a-Qing. Which means it really is just this miserable pair of people who hate each other with three arms, fourteen fingers, and one tongue between them.

And look. I am weak to a lot of things that this potentially entails. Road trips with people who loathe each other! Unwillingly shared grief! People trying to navigate life after they thought it was over! Almost certainly eventual hatefucking/proxyfucking/grieffucking! Good stuff and I’m here for all of it.

And like. This is a canon with necromancy, who says Xiao Xingchen or a-Qing need to be gone forever.

4. Xiao Xingchen knows who Xue Yang is from the beginning. (And doesn’t kill him.)

Actually, this one might be the most functional one on this list, depending on how it goes. Again, it’s one which also has a few different directions it could go, including one that I probably will end up writing, eventually.

This is also related to AUs where Xiao Xingchen figures out who Xue Yang is at some point in the middle, which are also good; I’m especially fond there of ones where Xiao Xingchen doesn’t outright or immediately tell Xue Yang that he knows.

As an AU, this one is nice because it has the potential to forestall some of the worst of Yi City happenings (all the murders) by virtue of Xiao Xingchen either being more cautious (if he doesn’t tell Xue Yang he’s aware), or Xue Yang not being able to play the game he wants to (because he knows Xiao Xingchen knows who he is, which necessarily changes his behavior). It’s also nice because it means getting to play with moral flexibility and questions of morality generally, which is something that I like and also part of the appeal of #1 on this list.

5. Xiao Xingchen’s suicide is unsuccessful. There are so many ways!!! this can go (do you see a theme here?) and all of them are potentially messy and horrible. I’ve written headcanons for a couple different versions of this (here and here) and a fic for another version. Some of the appeal here is that it can either go really badly (ending in, most likely, a murder-suicide) or it could go better, though that would take a hell of a lot of work, but that is the fun kind of work, at least for me if not anyone else involved.

This one has some overlap and similarity with #2 on this list, to some extent, but it’s also different - the major way in which it’s different is that while there’s the panic resulting from Xiao Xingchen nearly dying (whoops), there’s not the period of grief and desperation that follow after him actually dying. It makes for a rawer Xue Yang, and one still scrambling to figure out what to do about the situation while he’s still in the middle of it, as opposed to one who has had the chance to think a little, and a Xiao Xingchen who is also much rawer in some ways, but also doesn’t have the trauma of death on him. (Doesn’t have the possible peace of it, either, but.)

BONUS: Ever since I wrote blood, dust, ashes I’ve been haunted by the concept of a-Qing and Xue Yang collaborating after Xiao Xingchen’s death to try to bring him back (and bonus dead!Song Lan? not sure how a-Qing would feel about that). It might just end up crashing and burning and ultimately going the same way as canon but regardless I find the concept extremely intriguing and kind of want to poke at it more, if I had the time/energy/motivation/concrete idea for it.

I have just gotten very attached to that relationship and the chaotic energy of that team up just seems like a fantastic opportunity and also the kind if disaster that I love.

#anonymous #conversating #songxuexiao #xuexiao #the sad queer cultivators show #top five meme #xue yang #song lan #xiao xingchen

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saphirered · 3 years

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HIIII! It's me again (Eldritch knight reader) sorry I kinda dipped out but I hope you are having a great day! I was wondering if you could do one last request for that mini series of requests, where Essek finally asks reader on a real date and it's going great (Knight could notice some figures following them *cough* M9+verin *cough*??) there's some flirting/teasing but sadly the date comes to an end and reader walks essek home, they say their goodbyes for the night but not before reader finally kisses Essek and whispers a goodnight!

Hi! Welcome back. Now of course this wouldn't be me if halfway through writing I realised this was turning way too long so it'll be a two-parter again to keep it readable. Hope you don't mind. Any way, here's the first part so I hope you enjoy! 😘

A long day of disasters with the Nein returning just in time to be thrust into more relentless hours of study with Essek wasn’t exactly how you envisioned to spend your day and luckily for you Essek is a merciful soul, when it comes to you that is. Seeing how battered and bruised you were, and mentally exhausted he refused to let you touch his precious tomes or even scribble a single note on paper. He had even gone as far as making said smaller items disappear into the nothingness. Damn wrist pocket spell. Essek was determined. You needed rest. He’d make sure you got it.

So instead of hours upon hours spent at Essek’s home he opted for staying with you retreating to the upstairs of the Xhorhaus and finding the both of you a comfy spot to spend your time in a more relaxed environment. Essek sits, back against the tree while you lay sprawled across the floor next to his outstretched legs eyes closed as the wizard reads to you. He may not have allowed you to read for yourself as to not overwork yourself but the compromise you convinced him to was agreeable. More than agreeable if you’re honest.

It’s no secret you like spending time together as you do so a lot. You may be a little more affectionate with each other than say for example with Caleb or Jester. It doesn’t go unnoticed Essek likes you, if anything the man’s made it pretty clear and vice versa. Neither of you have just ever acted on it. With everything going on in your lives, how could you? You’re a ragtag adventurer with no allegiance to kingdom or country. He’s the bloody spymaster of the Dynasty. It’s not exactly a conventional prospect of a future, nor is it likely to succeed with the kind of lives you live. Could you really afford that kind of struggle? Maybe, if you were willing to take the risk but lately things have been hectic and this moment of relaxation beneath the tree at the top of this tower is the first moment of peace either of you have known in a long time.

You swear, you’re paying attention. You might still have to reread the whole book again as you’re just entranced by the sound of Essek’s voice. The man could make anything sound interesting. Give him those pages from that Iva lady back at the Chastity’s Nook in Zadash and Essek could make even that sound like a master piece. Though in hindsight, maybe best not as you think he might not be able to get past the first few sentences himself. The cringe.

“Are you still listening?” Essek’s reading voice breaks in favour of the question as he watches you drift off with a smile on your face. He’s almost afraid to ask the question but is unsure if that’s because you’ve grown tired or the subject bores you too much.

“Hm?” You perk up turning your head to the side and looking at the wizard. The exhaustion is written over your face but doesn’t diminish the content smile you present.

“Perhaps that is enough for the day?” Essek suggests closing the book and sits up a little straighter. He places the book by his side as you sit up and go to reach for it. Essek’s quicker and places his hand firmly on top of it and prevents you from taking it. He’s very sure you’d have no trouble retrieving the book if you really wanted to and maybe he’d like you to try, just a little, but you’re tired and need rest. Not fill your mind with pages of knowledge attempting to cram in the words. You’re a good study but even the best of studies cannot combat the banes of exhaustion.

“It is getting late anyway.” Essek says as you roll back and find yourself, head leaning against his thigh, looking up at the drow with a pout as he insinuates he’ll have to leave soon. You catch him off guard but he’s not opposed to the sense of affection and comfort you radiate. Physical affection is rare between the two of you especially since he’s very new to it in such contexts. He’s still getting used to it and he’d be lying if he said it’s unwelcome.

“If you say so.” You stay like this for a few more minutes before the ruckus downstairs pulls you out of your moment and you’re reminded Essek needs to head back to his own home. He still has business to attend to, business he’s been procrastinating in favour of spending more time with you. You sit back up, swing your legs beneath yourself and rise to your feet offering Essek a hand to help him to his feet.

“Essek, do you have a moment.” Caleb calls over as he enters the living space. The drow looks at you as if to ask if you know what this might be about or more like your permission to allow himself to be whisked away by the wizard interrupting your goodbye. You shrug.

“I should probably try and prevent this kitchen fire waiting to happen. I take it Cad’s still out getting groceries?” Caleb nods and you sigh shudder preparing for the oncoming disaster rushing into the kitchen like a valiant hero, albeit a little more domestic than your usual adventures, valiant no less.

A conversation between two wizards in one room and a homemade fluffernutter dismantled in another you reunite with Essek. There he is floating in all his glory, cloak back around his shoulders you see him off. Essek seems a little… nervous? Is that the right word? So you give Caleb a look but he acts all innocent. You know better than to trust that. Nevermind, you’ll have an easier time getting it out of Essek than Caleb if you need to. Caleb sends the others off to their own business persuading them to clean up before Caduceus returns and finds his precious kitchen in disarray or any other state he didn’t leave it in before he left. The firbolg is quite protective of his pride and joy. You lead Essek over to the hall but interpose yourself between him and the door crossing your arms and tapping your foot expectedly.

“So is this where you tell me what you and Caleb talked about or am I going to have to work for it?” The look you give Essek makes him want to spill all the beans right then right there but he wants to do this the right way and not be a blabbering incoherent mess. He has to do this the right way. You deserve that much; if not for the way he feels then simply for every effort you’d put in your actions to do with him.

“It’s to do with you.” Oh? Now you’re curious. “I asked Caleb for some advise.” What in the worlds would he need to go to Caleb for to get advise on to do with you? Essek’s not one to admit lacking either skill or knowledge when it’s about people and even less so to confide in another in such a way because by all means, his little side bar with with the redhead was anything but an interrogation to get information about character, motives and possible leverage like he would have navigated a political encounter.

“And what, pray tell could Caleb be lecturing you on?” You grin with he gentle stroke at Essek’s ego. If you know one thing, sweet-talking will get you everywhere with this man. Not that you’d minded. Not that you were lying. You’d never lie about such things. But you’re also not against using your opinions to gently persuade the drow in revealing what he’s hiding.

“Matters of heart. It seems I am at a disadvantage when expressing them to the subject of my affections.” Essek admits and you watch the skin of his cheeks to become a darker shade of purple. Damn, this is not going the way he envisioned it. Like a rock being tossed into the elemental plane of water, sinking into that eternal ocean.

“Oh really, now? It seems to me you’re doing perfectly fine.” Essek laughs awkwardly and looks to the floor to gather his bearings but when he feels your hand rise to his cheek and lift his gaze to look you in the eye, when you step in a little closer to him. He knows you’re teasing, or at least partially teasing. He also knows best to rip the bandaid off quickly and hope you’ll be merciful in your answer.

“I was wondering if you’d join me on an outing, tomorrow if it suits you?” Essek feels the words leave his lips. He doesn’t blurt them out like some lovesick fool and is thankful for that at least.

“Of course, will we be going to the library again? Or another shopping trip? Need me to carry more of those heavy papers again? Please can we do this time without any assassins sent to kill you? I think we could both do with a break for once.” You laugh and it becomes quite clear to Essek his phrasing might have been a little off so he’ll have to correct himself. Great. Just what he needs. Make this more awkward and difficult for himself than it already is. Maybe he would have been better off blurting out the words like a lovesick fool.

“What I had in mind would be more like a planned outing, a break from our usual lives and away from the responsibilities we both carry.” Essek clarifies and the copper drops for you.

“Essek, are you asking me to go on a date with you?” Yes. Yes. For the love of the gods, the Luxon and all that is sacred thank you for speaking the words correctly instead of leaving him to go in circles until he can’t anymore and dies from embarrassment. Why does he always turn into a mess when it comes to you? Because he likes you, a lot, maybe even more than just like. Definitely more than just that.

“That is exactly what I have been attempting and failing to convey, yes.” He admits ashamed. Your laugh makes for a good consolation though, no matter your answer. Up until now the possibility of your answer whichever outcome, had never been a bother to him as he never really gave asking you a thought, for his own sake or this may just have gone much worse with his tendency to overthink. In suspense he awaits. Not even the powers of dunamis at his fingertips could make the passage of time before your answer feel like less when in reality you barely missed a beat.

“Of course. I’d love nothing more.” You caress his cheek. Your smile grows from amusement to joy and Essek couldn’t be happier. He felt himself slipping into a smile of his own. Essek let himself go in that joy and relief you accepted rather than the stress of the actual date tomorrow. He’ll worry about that one later.

#critical role x reader #critrole x reader #mighty nein x reader #essek thelyss x reader #essek x reader #critical role #mighty nein

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calliopecalling · 3 years

Text

Queen of the South 5x04 Debrief

Well, we're seeing a different Queenpin than I expected, and sooner. This isn't the white queen of earlier Teresa's visions. That queen was calm, assured, powerful, but almost nurturing. This, now, is a queen who is edgy, defensive, struggling, scared. I am curious about this. Obviously the earlier queenpin visions were just that--visions; they were Teresa's inner leader stepping out of the shadows and taking charge. So, are we (and she, hopefully?) meant to now begin to understand that the white queen isn't possible? That she can't exist because this business won't actually allow for her to "have it all"? That calmness and assuredness and power can't be achieved while keeping her integrity intact?

Or, will we in fact eventually see the white queen of her visions manifest? Will Teresa find her way to that powerful, nurturing version of herself, and what will she have to do to get there? Certainly it's not what she thinks it is, because what she's currently doing--closing herself off to love, compromising her integrity, and making harsher decisions (and more quickly) than ever before--is not getting her anywhere closer to being the white queen. It's almost doing the opposite. It's getting her closer to being Camila, who, in season 1, was in many ways diametrically opposed to the white queen. Camila's advice to Teresa was always self-serving and competitive. The white queen's mirrored Teresa's own inner voice, emphasizing strength and integrity.

The black/white clothing choices in every episode so far this season seem to me to support either one of these theories about the white queen (that she either isn't going to be possible to attain, or that she will only be possible to attain--in a different way than Teresa expects--if Teresa comes back around to her values in the end). She hasn't yet gone full white and that duel between her old self and the self she's striving for manifests in every part of her character development right now.

Episode 4 Teresa wasn't evil. She still met Marcel in the eye when he called her a rat and knew that he was right; she didn't get defensive about that. She's still trying to figure out how to get him out because she promised him she would and because she knows it's the right thing to do. She isn't wrong about the importance of exposing the corruption of the judge and his cronies (and remember that Gamble was a villain just last episode, so, I mean, do we really feel THAT bad that he's dead? especially since the whole justification for killing him was to get that ledger which she so desperately wants in order to clear Marcel *and killing Gamble wasn't the first thing she tried; she first tried to accomplish a peaceful exchange until it turned out the feds were on them*?) and the sheer evil they've committed. She's still able to hold understanding for Kelly Anne and Pote as they confess the pregnancy, and confess that she too is scared about the future.

But at the same time, that fear and self-protectiveness is causing her to lash out in unpredictable and hurtful ways. Not just hurtful to her people (James, Kelly Anne) but to US! I don't know the first thing about writing for TV shows but I have to confess that I don't love the direction the show has taken in her character in the last two episodes; it's just not very entertaining. It's suspenseful but it's painful. It's not TV I want to re-watch. I think that diminishes my confidence in the writers and show runners just a bit (though I'm trying to hold on since I also KNOW that on some level a journey into darkness and back out again is part of her story). I want to look forward to the next episode, not dread it. I want to root for the main character, not start to hate her.

Still, though, there are glimmers of hope for me. Each episode has had some sort of (or more than one) Jeresa callback, whether subtle or heavy-handed. The pre-episode "previously ons." The Marcel/James convo in 5x03. And in this last episode the CIA reminder (because, duh, we all know that James only went to Devon to protect her in the first place) and the distress on Teresa's face when she's trying to tell James that Gamble's death is a good thing. They haven't stopped reminding us that there's a complicated love story there. If they're dangling that carrot just to remind us how much we want it and then snatch it away at the end in a big GOTCHA move, then they're even worse writers than I thought. Like that's not good TV.

And several of the show runners, and Ryan, and Alice herself have talked about her struggle this season as being related to love -- that love can't survive in this business. That she is going to have to grapple both with Tony's loss and with James's return. Both of those things are clearly at least partly at the root of what's causing her to be so on edge. The CIA comment: Teresa hasn't accepted yet, hasn't been able to accept, that James has changed because of her, that she made him who he is now, and that he now expects her to be the same person he was a year ago when he left. She has to adjust to the fact that he left to protect her -- that all along that's all it was -- while meanwhile she had long ago integrated his departure as yet another painful casualty of her rise to power and the mistakes she'd made along the way. She thought he'd left because of her. How is she supposed to come to terms with the fact that that story was never true when she hasn't even begun to let herself grieve Tony yet? Instead, she's snorting coke and lashing out, because it's safer. Season 3 Teresa told James, "I don't know how to trust people." She's known that about herself and has owned up to it.

Can we trust the writers and show-runners to give us a Teresa who ultimately decides to lean in to trust and love? I don't know. But I hope so. I sure friggin' hope so. Let's see a white queen transformation that takes place because she chooses love over fear. And a white queen who, in the end, surprises us because she--the one of Teresa's visions--is actually the one who was going to decide to leave the business all along.

Other thoughts:

I would like to see more of a story line for James, and right-quick, than standing in a pantry for an entire episode. LOL. I don't want things to deteriorate to such an extent that I just want him to walk away rather than lose more self-respect, and we're dangerously close to that point.

Pote is really not doing it for me this season. From his bad advice, to the triteness of his trying to control Kelly Anne in her pregnancy, to his talking down to James. It all feels a little stilted.

I did REALLY enjoy the Teresa/Kelly Anne sit-down with the FBI agent. That was a fun girl power tag-team, for one thing, but for another, it was really in line with the Teresa I know and love--the one who is two steps ahead of everyone else and knows how to get out of a tight spot.

PLUS the fact that she got to two-time Lucien who, you know, is the one REALLY to blame for Marcel being in prison. Like I said in my 5x02 debrief, why is the Teresa the one who always gets blamed for problems OTHER PEOPLE CAUSE? Not only did Lucien turn in Marcel to the NOLA police, he also exposed Teresa to the feds, which kept the pressure on her big-time and made it even harder for her to try to help Marcel.

Marcel/Alimi Ballard is on fire this season. He is just so good. Crackles whenever he's on screen. He and Boaz so far are perfection.

Speaking of Boaz, looks like we'll get to go to Miami next episode, eh? Seems like maybe he's causing some problems there?

I really want to know what else is in Teresa and James's text history. I guess living in the same house they probably don't need to text much... but... c'mon, can't we get a little flirting up in here?

All the mirror referencessssssss! I do love the symbolism this season. The white/black clothing, the mirrors and mirror references, the earlier season callbacks.

"You're going to be a great father." So, I know I said I wanted to avoid speculating about how things would end up, but it's hard to avoid it. [BOOK SPOILER COMING] In the book, Pote dies at the end, and I've always sort of hoped the show would do the same thing. Not because I like, want Pote to die, but because that ending really worked for me. A huge, hard-hitting loss, and one that doesn't let Teresa's ending be totally "happily ever after," but still allows her not to die herself (which, IMO, would be a terrible way to end). Frankly, it IS hard to imagine Pote as a father, and trying to figure out how to balance that new responsibility against the only life he's ever known as a sicario. So I wonder whether this story-line is one that will set us up for that particular ending to be sad, and again, allow Teresa to get out.

#qots spoilers #bring back king george and oksana please #by the way when I refer to the white queen visions #I'm not referring to the season openers #I'm referring to the version of herself that Teresa sees in her visions in the earlier seasons #which tbh I'm not sure what I think of the relationship or distinction between those queenpins #hmmmm #queen of the south #qots #season 5 #5x04 #txt post #qots reaction post #qots meta

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bookwyrminspiration · 3 years

Text

Shattered Upside Down

A kotlc wings au: masterpost here

Chapter 8: The Regretted Reflection

word count: 8.9k

chapter summary: Sophie made multiple impulsive decisions in a panic, but now she has to deal with the consequences and face the people she left behind.

warnings: picking at skin, panicking, fighting, a brief section that's slightly surreal/like rolling a nat 20 perception check but there's nothing to see/uses second person, blood, swearing, intentional misuse of grammar, I think that's everything but please let me know if there's more /g

taglist: I’ll reblog with it. let me know if you want to be added or removed!

This chapter is 8,932 words. Why do I do these things? I don't know. But! That means even more content for you so I hope you enjoy! Definitely enjoyed this one and the twists even I wasn't expecting. Damn this au is getting long

ao3 link here or read below

Sophie Foster felt nothing.

The imparter buzzed in her hand, tickled her skin. This should alarm her, the incoming message and whatever it might say. What could the council possibly want with them? What could Oralie want with her? They’d fallen out of contact weeks, maybe even months ago. All those useless meetings, unproductive decisions and orders, watching as they fell down and down, deeper and deeper indebted to every other goddamned species on the planet.

She had no interest conversing with them, engaging in pleasantries, the idea even less appealing with sleep crusting her eyes and clogging her throat, with the uncomfortable rub of her dry, damaged skin against the very air.

Everyone was looking at her, glancing between her and their own ringing imparters, seeming to wait for her judgement on this situation. Right. Because she was the one who’d isolated them in the first place.

The thought jerked her, tugged her into consciousness, and all that nothing shattered into something. Her muscles tensed and she leaned out of Keefe’s grip, shakily running a hand through her hair, steeling herself.

She answered the hail.

Every other imparter in the room fell silent.

“Sophie, there you--” her pristine voice was so so irritating, unwanted.

“What do you want.” The demand fell flat, dropping from her tongue like a stone. She pressed her fingers against the bridge of her nose, trying to breath the exhaustion away, still not fully awake. She’d set the imparter down, angled it towards the ceiling so they could all see the perfectly curled ringlets and pink tourmaline, but no one on the other end could see them.

“Sophie, you need to listen carefully. We need you to--”

“That is no way to speak to your rulers, Miss Foster.” She glanced back at the screen. That hadn’t been Oralie. No, she’d been cut off. Councillor Emery's face now filled the screen, warped with disdain, jaw clenched.

Ah.

Who were your hails from, she asked, the words slurred but urgent. Different friends chimed back different names, each one a different councilor. No one said Emery.

“If you so desperately wanted to contact me, Ruler, you could’ve hailed yourself.” She was being unpleasant, but she couldn’t find it in herself to care.

His mouth tensed, something flashing across his features before he spoke. “As cooperative as ever, I see. I’ll make this brief. We, as your councilors, order you to return to your underground. Whatever has given you this disposition that you are above the protocols set in place to protect our people must cease immediately.”

“Hmm. No.” Keefe turned to her in disbelief, a slightly worried grin cracking his face. She wasn’t normally this vocally indifferent, this casually opposed to authority. Little did they know she could feel each individual blister lining the skin of her stomach rubbing against the threads of her shirt, hear the trickle of water from Linh’s bath, smell the cold of Tam’s skin and the heat of Marella’s.

This conversation was a waste of energy.

“You seem to think this is a request. It is not. You are expected to comply and have 24 hours to return, or we will set out to find you and bring you back by force if necessary. You not only disrespect our authority with your blatant disregard for the protocols, you also insult the dwarves who have so graciously opened their homes to us all. We will not say it again.”

That’s not good, Dex whispered into their minds, voice unnaturally light.

Maruca shifted her stance. I don’t think that’s all there is to this.

Things rarely are that easy, Sophie breathed, pressing her hands together against her chin. She’d love to go back to that nap, please. Deal with whatever this was later. Just push it off.

She glanced at Dex, and something he’d said to her flickered in the back of her mind. Fuck it, go for it, deal with the consequences later. Holding eye contact, she spoke. “We’re not coming back. If you’re having issues with the dwarves, figure it out. Maintaining the peace between our species does not fall to ten teenagers. Well, mostly teenagers.” She inclined her head towards Wylie. She could see the confusion flashing around the circle, watched each of them try to connect the dots he hadn’t meant to hint at. “We will, however--”

What are you agreeing to, Fitz demanded, waving his hands around to get her attention. She didn’t stop watching Dex.

She continued talking like he hadn’t interrupted. “--meet with our parents in a neutral location. We’ll work the details out with them so you can stop playing messenger. We will not compromise further.”

Then Sophie leaned forward and ended the hail.

Sophie didn’t dream. Her limbs were leaden, sinking sinking sinking into the ground, leaving a sullen impression as moss and decay and rot crept over her body. She did not move. She did not toss nor turn. Anyone who saw her might mistake her for a statue, a corpse, a freakish conglomeration of flesh, something to be ripped apart and studied.

Hell knew what they’d find.

There was no one occupying her mind, not even herself. Time became thick and lucid, a block of stone dropped into a stagnant puddle. All there, all at once, all the time.

And yet, she existed. Somewhere.

She wouldn’t remember this when she woke. Memory was curious like that, picking and choosing seemingly at random, so little control over what lingers. So many moments we’ve left behind, that only existed as they occurred.

It’s the little moments, the ones you don’t even realize you’ve forgotten. The few minutes right before you fall asleep, the thirty seconds it takes for your essay to print as you watch with impatience.

The dreams you know you’ll forget.

There are some who are more in tune with their existence, who can recognize something that will fade as it happens. But for the most part, we don’t remember those moments.

And Sophie wouldn’t remember this.

Wouldn’t remember seeing herself in the mirror.

Someone was doing an absolutely terrible job at keeping quiet. Bare skin scuffed against the wood floor, approaching from behind, stopping in place as something creaked, hesitantly moving once more, a weight lowering itself onto her bed.

Sophie didn’t move, unwilling to give up these few seconds she had left with her eyes closed. Fabric pressed against her skin in a way that told her she hadn’t moved in quite a while, had sunk sunk sunk into the sheets. Did she have the energy it would take to face what moving would bring, the world she needed to return to?

The person was breathing, exhaling slightly, as if unsure of themself.

“I know you’re there,” she said, so quiet no one else in the world would hear besides the two of them, whoever the two of them would turn out to be.

“Are you awake for real this time?” Maruca. That was Maruca sitting beside her, fiddling with the thin blanket tossed over her body and clenched beneath her chin.

Sophie took a moment to respond, slowly opening her eyes, taking in the dust motes and pollen floating around, exhaling and watching the air disturb their fall.

There was a steadiness, a clearness to her mind that she hadn’t had in days, maybe weeks. Yes. Sophie Foster was awake.

“Yeah,” she breathed, still unmoving. She slid her line of sight to Maruca, taking in the lines of her face, the tight purse of her lips, the downturn cast of her brows. The exhaustion. The determination.

Slowly, she pressed her hands to her face, rubbing away the fading fog of sleep. The skin of her cheeks was surprisingly chilly against the warmth of her hands, and she held her head between her palms, feeling as they reached equilibrium.

Muscles dead, Sophie pulled herself into a sitting position, Maruca watching with a sort of detached glaze over her face. She tracked every movement, but made no move as if to do anything. Not even readjust herself as the bed shifted under Sophie’s fiddling.

“Why are you here?” she asked, rubbing her hands down her thighs, trying to work some life back into her body. She must’ve slept hard. The time had vanished in her mind, the last thing she remembered was overwhelming exhaustion as she’d been dragged from unconsciousness, so so desperate to disappear into it once more.

And now she was here. Everything else was blank.

“Making sure you’re not dead, mostly” she smiled slightly as that, hands curled tight in her lap. “One of us has been checking in every hour or so, just to make sure you’re still breathing.”

Sophie stretched out her neck, which rewarded her with several pops. “Well, surprise surprise. I’m alive.” Which meant she’d have to deal with whatever shitstorm she’d stirred up that had Maruca so tense. Her knuckles paled as her hands remained clenched in her lap, her lips pressed firmly together.

“Where do you need me?” she asked, swinging her legs over the side of the bed. There was always something to be done, a place she could be useful even if it wasn’t as a leader. As groggy as she was, she’d follow Maruca’s directions, anything anyone needed.

Sophie stood, fighting the head rush that came with the change in blood pressure, glancing back at Maruca. She hadn’t had time to speak with her lately, and something tugged at the back of her mind, a memory of some sort...oh well. It faded.

“You need to coordinate that meeting you randomly proposed. And include us in the process.” The last part had some bite that should’ve had her flinching with guilt, but her mind hadn’t moved past that first sentence. That meeting. That meeting she’d proposed.

To see their parents again.

“How long was I asleep,” she asked, already heading for the door, panic pushing against her chest and constricting her heart. Depending on how long--

Maruca was somehow just behind her. “I’d guess around ten to twelve hours since your little excursion with Tam, six or seven since the council called.” Sophie turned, looking her up and down. There was something about her manner of speaking, something about the way she conducted herself that felt...off. She couldn’t put a finger on it, hadn’t spent enough time with Maruca before to know what was different now. She had to fix that.

“Thank you,” she said, inclining her head. “For checking on me. I’m sorry I haven’t done the same.” It wasn’t much, but it was a start.

Maruca shrugged, hands still in tight fists. “It’s not your job, but don’t forget to include the rest of us. We’re all in the same situation.”

Sophie nodded. She was right. She’d been so focused on just her her her fixing herself and holding everyone together and trying to solve the world for them that she’d somehow forgotten they wanted to fix the world too. She’d grown up so alone.

It made it even harder to remember she wasn’t anymore, even if it sometimes felt like it. Even if she acted like it. Even if she wandered into the forest and told nobody.

“Thanks,” she whispered, and pushed open the door.

Hours. It had been hours since that hail. She needed to figure out what had happened since. Surely the council had notified their parents of the possible arrangement, maybe they’d even tried to reach out.

As far as she knew they hadn’t tried to contact them since that first day they’d left, had realized they wouldn’t respond and had turned to other measures. Maybe their parents had sent the council after them, desperate for any contact.

The thought churned her stomach. No matter how distraught she was by her situation, how confused and doubtful of her own morals and mind, she didn’t know if she’d be able to forgive herself for leaving her parents so hurt.

She’d just...pushed them aside. It had felt as if she ignored them for long enough, she’d never have to face them, never have to explain...whatever was happening to her. The strange feelings and senses, the inexplicable urges to just walk off into the woods. She’d been careless at times before, yes, but never so thoughtless.

And that was why she’d left. Whatever was making her so scatterbrained and impulsive, even if it was mostly harmless right now, could become a much bigger problem very quickly. She’d wandered into the woods, she’d flown into a lightning storm, what was next?

Wait. The lightning storm. She’d never learned what happened to the dragons, had been too tired to ask. But was that most pressing right now?

She’d ask, Sophie decided. Just briefly think about it, to get ready to return to that issue when its time came. The creatures flitting in and out of her life, appearing for brief moments and vanishing into the sky--literally, two out of three of the times.

Why weren’t they bothering her, tearing her to shreds?

“She’s awake!” Someone called out, and Sophie was reminded of her goal, snapping back into reality.

Fitz was waving from just up ahead, Keefe grinning beside him. He turned to whisper something to Fitz, who promptly rolled his eyes and shoved him away. He nearly toppled over, his wings shifting with the movement and flapping slightly to steady his balance.

“What’s going on?” she asked, reaching the two of them. Fitz was sat upon what looked almost like a beanbag chair, hand propped behind his head as he looked off into the sky with that unnerving stare.

He didn’t look at her as he answered. “Waiting for you. The next step requires you, so we couldn’t exactly do anything while you were...sleeping.” Sleeping was a generous way to put it. The red indentations along her arm from the sheets indicated it had been much more...dead than normal sleep.

“Right,” she exhaled, absentmindedly patting at her clothes, any place she might’ve--

“I have your imparter,” Keefe interrupted, pulling it from one of his own pockets and handing it to her. “Y’know, cause you couldn’t answer it and all those fucking adults wanted to contact you.” She nodded, turning it on.

She scrolled through some of the messages. Both Bronte and Oralie had sent her private messages. She didn’t open them. She’d regret that later. It seemed Keefe had only sent one to everyone in return, ignoring everything they’d said.

Foster is absolutely passed out right now. She’ll see your messages when she wakes up.

Right. And now she was awake. And had to deal with this.

So why couldn’t she get her fingers to press the buttons?

She sank down to the floor, crossing her legs and leaning against the railing, looking off into the sky like Fitz. It was just eating eating eating at her.

Keefe hesitantly lowered himself next to her, one of them now on either side. Fitz turned to look at her.

“What happened to the dragons?”

She had to know. It just kept clawing away at her mind, her sanity, something so big so large so catastrophic and she couldn’t stop the petrifying thought that if she kept pushing it off it would eventually become too big a problem and she’d never be able to fix it.

Fitz glanced away towards some movement in the distance before looking back at her. “We don’t know.”

She waited for him to say more, but he just stared off.

Keefe continued for him. “There really isn’t more to it right now.” He fiddled with a loose thread on the hem of his shirt, pulling at it again and again, betraying the anxiety they were so carefully trying to keep from her.

It was weighing on them too. All of them. They just didn’t want her to know it.

“After Marella...exploded,” Keefe continued, seeming to sense her blooming revelation. “They both fell; she blasted them back. Lit up the entire sky. We don’t know where they went or what happened to them. Or if they’ll come back.”

Sophie just nodded as he talked. Okay. She’d asked her question. Time to move on. There were other people, other things waiting to be dealt with. As long as those dragons weren’t an immediate threat, she could set that aside. She had to.

She didn't want to.

She did it anyway.

Okay. Everyone to the...me. Wherever I am. I’m going to hail my parents.

“To the me,” Keefe snorted, settling back against the railing, the portrait of faux ease. The wings at his back readjusted themselves against the wood, the grey fading imperceptibly--but undeniably--darker and darker as they waited.

It took a few minutes, but one by one her friends found their ways to her--good thing she’d been out in the open; she had no way to direct them otherwise. They took up places around the circle, similar to how they’d been just a night or two ago, before the dragons had flooded the sky.

Actually, looking around, she could see evidence of that night strewn all over the place. She’d been so focused on everything else, she hadn’t even noticed the destruction. Shredded petals and vines littered the wooden planks, streaks of dried dirt washed across the ground. Branches hung crooked from trunks, bridges had snapped, dangling precariously into a sudden drop.

Inexplicably, a lump rose in her throat. All the work put into this place, all the love and hopes and tentative dreams just disintegrating, deteriorating more and more each day. And they were no better. They were leeching off this place until they could figure out what to do next.

“Do you actually have any plan for what you’re about to do,” Wylie asked, helping lower Linh and himself to the ground across from her. Linh leaned against his arm, expression wan. She must’ve woken up while Sophie was still asleep. Marella sat on her other side, looking like she was itching itching itching to help but just couldn’t bring herself to make initial contact. Her lips were pressed thin, fist pressed against her sides beneath crossed arms. Like she was restraining herself.

“I have...an idea,” she answered, realizing everybody had gathered. And were looking at her.

“An idea?”

“An idea,” she repeated.

Biana looked for a place to sit as she spoke. “Do we get to know this idea, or is this some plan you’ll pull out of nowhere without consulting anyone first?” Finding only dirt on the ground, she remained standing.

Sophie grimaced, glancing towards Dex, who stood beside Biana. “Not my idea, actually. I’m just...modifying it. And none of you have to go along with it.” Several of them rolled their eyes at that. They were going to follow her, likely no matter what. She loved them for it, even if it was foolish.

“Take it away, Foster,” Keefe said, gesturing towards her dramatically. This next step fell solely on her shoulders.

She glanced to her lap, where her imparter lay, picking it up. Which person to hail? They were likely all in similar places, or would be as soon as they saw the incoming call from her. So who?

Sophie took a deep breath, curling her knees into her chest. Glancing over her shoulder, she made sure the wings were hidden, hearing a slight buzz in response. Tam smiled at her slightly, as if to say he was glad it wasn’t him making the call.

“Show me Edaline Ruewen.”

It didn’t even take a full second before the hail was answered.

Her mother’s face filled the screen, circles beneath her eyes and stray hair falling from it’s style. The expression hid nothing, not the fear or worry or confusion or...hurt. Plain hurt.

“Sophie,” she exhaled, shoulders drooping.

“Hi, Mom.”

Her fingers tightened around the imparter, voice indescribably thick in her throat.

Another voice sounded from off-screen. “You okay, kiddo?” Edaline moved, setting her imparter down so multiple people could be seen at once.

“Hey Dad,” she said, watching as he scooted on screen, clothing rumpled and stained, a crease between his brow. “I’ve...We’ve been better.”

She shouldn’t have done this. She shouldn’t have called, shouldn’t have let herself see them again. It hurt so fucking much.

Their weary, worn faces clawed through her with guilt, overwhelming guilt. They were like this because of her.

Hey. Focus. You can get through this. Fitz. His voice whispered into her mind, entirely separate from the others, just the two of them in this space in this brief moment of peace before she’d have to do something she hated.

Her fingers skimmed over the rough skin of her thighs, finding the edge of something peeling and picking at it absentmindedly. Gently. She didn’t want to make it worse. But she couldn’t help it.

Another figure appeared behind her parents, all pudgy and wrinkled. She’d known they’d probably all be together, and anyone away from their group was likely rushing to be part of the call, but still. There were so many of them. And just her on this call. The rest of her friends watching her, letting her take this step.

“Miss Foster, are all of you together?” His voice was unnaturally grave, even for him.

She nodded, looking around the group. A few of them waved at her and she almost smiled. “Everyone’s right here.”

“Are you fucking outside? What the hell do you think you’re doing on the surface? You idiots are going to get yourselves killed like this.”

A few people around the group flinched. Ah. Lovely. Ro. Keefe drawled, voice dry as he ran a hand down his face.

Several sounds erupted on the other end of the hail and Sophie tilted her head back, looking towards the sky like Fitz. A pair of birds flitted by overhead, swerving downwards and rustling the leaves, the sound so much louder than it should’ve been.

She looked back to the hail. Might as well put that hearing to good use. Multiple conversations conducted themselves at once, the sound of a door opening and more voices joining the fray--Alden and Della, Tiergan, Juline. Elwin. Rapid conversation amongst themselves, trying to decide the best way to find them, to talk to them, the questions to ask, how to make them cooperate, catching each other up on information, what could have possibly driven them away in the first place, how much danger they might be in.

Sandor stepped in front of the screen finally, Sophie and her friends having just sat there in disbelief at the cacophony, and her unable to stop them. They wouldn’t have listened anyways, so she hadn’t bothered trying. This was her punishment for running away without leaving a proper note. Now she’d have to live with it, endure it.

“You--all of you--must return immediately. You aren’t safe outside.” There was no room for compromise in his voice.

And he was right. They weren’t safe out here, exposed. They’d, well...she’d had multiple encounters with several creatures in the last few days. But...they hadn’t killed her yet. And she had a growing suspicion as to why. But she wasn’t ready to face that yet.

“No, thank you. We’re not coming back.”

Edaline cut in, impatience and panic clear on her face. “Where are you? If you can tell us--”

“I couldn’t tell you,” she grimaced.

Grady held up his hands placatingly, like he knew his justified anger wouldn’t make her cooperate. Like he cared about her. “Kiddo, I don’t know why you all ran away. But you’re not safe. We just want to help you. So please just tell us where you are so we can come get you. We know you took a pathfinder, so just tell us where you went and we can follow. We’ve been checking around the different undergrounds, the old Black Swan hideouts; we’re worried sick. ”

She sighed, rubbing at her face with her free hand. “I literally cannot tell you. Even if I wanted to. I actually do not know where we are.” She hadn’t realized they would try to follow. It would’ve worked too, if their pathfinder hadn’t broken and sent them wherever here was. This dilapidated little grave.

“If we wanted to come back, we would’ve. Sophie could teleport us back,” Fitz cut in, turning slightly to face her, holding eye contact for a moment before he glanced down at the screen, focusing on the faces displayed.

“Fitz?” Della's voice came through the phone and he scrunched his nose up, like it pained him or he didn’t want to hear her.

You wanna talk to them? She asked, to which he shook his head fervently, gesturing to the wings protruding from his back, clearly visible over his shoulders. Right. Her own shivered slightly in response. They couldn’t tell them.

She turned back to the imparter. “Yes. That was Fitz. He’s here. Everyone is.”

“Hi, Mom,” Biana said, appearing behind Sophie, the wings carefully tucked beneath a cape draped across her shoulders. The same ones they’d worn when they’d run. How long ago that seemed.

Look. Now you’re not on the hail alone, she whispered into the mindbubble, squeezing Sophie’s shoulder slightly.

“Are you alright, Biana,” Grady asked, attention laser focused on the two of them. If he couldn’t get information from Sophie, maybe he could get it from her. It was...endearing. How hard he was trying, how desperate he was to find them. Neither of them would give in, though.

She shrugged. “Like she said, could be better. We’re not coming back to the underground though. Don’t know how many times we need to say it before you’ll get it. Now correct me if I’m wrong, which I'm not, but wasn’t the purpose of this call to figure out a meeting or something? Not for you to try and convince us to come back, something we’re capable of and clearly aren’t doing. You’re wasting your energy. Maybe we won’t meet at all if you keep this up.”

Silence echoed for a moment. Whispers erupted on their end, more debating and bargaining and she didn’t even bother to listen.

Thanks, she said, resting her free hand atop Biana’s, still on her shoulder. She gave a reassuring squeeze. There were just so many people it was hard to deal with on her own. But she wasn’t on her own. She could let other’s step in when she faltered.

Brrr.

Her attention snapped away, eyes darting from side to side. The others sat forward slightly. No no no no no. Why now?

Not now. Please please please.

Brrr.

Shit.

She sat forward. Fuck it. “I’m only going to say this once.” It went quiet on the other end, a few meager conversations lingering between people she couldn’t see. She found Dex, holding his gaze, speaking to him. “Tomorrow morning we will be in the Lost Cities, in Mysterium. Meet us there if you want. This is not up for debate. If any of you are going to come, bring Elwin. We have to go. Bye. I love you.” The last part was almost a whisper, but she could see their lips start to form the response when she ended the call.

“The Lost Cities?!” Marella asked in disbelief, looking at Sophie like she was worried something had happened to her head in that explosion. Maybe something had.

Keefe cut in. “That’s reckless even for me, Foster.” She just shrugged. She couldn’t stop herself. She just kept making rash decision after rash decision, impulse her sole motivation.

It terrified her. But she couldn’t stop it.

“I was going to go with Dex anyways.” He shifted his weight under the attention now directed at him. She hadn’t realized she’d made that choice, had intended to indulge his request until she said it out loud.

What had happened to her? Where were her worries, everything about her that made her cautious and prepared and her?

Brrr.

“You guys hear that too, right?” Biana asked, looking around. They nodded, and Sophie just hoped hoped hoped it wouldn’t show up. She didn’t want to lie to them, didn’t want to pretend not to know and wander confused just like them.

The leaves rustled somewhere, and she watched the shift in her friends’ postures, something...strange...taking over them. Biana’s movements became jerky but coordinated, seeming to move in unnaturally quick bursts. Marella began to lower herself to the ground, veins glowing.

Brrr.

So close. So so close. It was so close. No no no. She wasn’t--she couldn’t--

A weight appeared atop her shoulder, right where Biana’s hand had been just a few moments ago.

Brrr. It whispered in her ear, so close it nearly set the world spinning. She’d never been this close to it before. It kneaded it’s paws against the skin of her shoulder, readjusting itself as it perched there.

“Don’t move,” Marella whispered, inching forward with eyes set on the little echo, a hand outstretched. Everyone’s eyes were on her, the thing on her shoulder, creeping forward.

Sophie held up her hands reflexively, taking a step back. “Wait. Don’t.”

They paused, bewildered. What was she doing? She didn’t know.

All she knew was the thought of anything happening to this tiny creature, this little thing that had found her and brought her to something earth-shattering twice before, was enough to set her stomach rocking, terror slicing through her veins.

Why was she so defensive of it? She didn’t even know what it was.

And then it was gone. Blipping away as if it’d never even been there in the first place.

“That one’s fine,” she whispered, refusing to meet anyone’s eye, to see the confusion littering their faces.

“What do you mean it’s fine? It’s clearly one of those creatures!” Fitz exclaimed, bewildered, waving his hands about. There was too much happening all at once. All the sounds were too clear, the sun was too bright, her clothes were too itchy. She needed a moment, needed a single second, just wait hang on back up--

“They’re not all bad,” she argued back, not even thinking about what she was saying. She just needed them to stop looking at her and give her a moment she needed to get away right now.

The wings at her back buzzed and shivered, rhythmically pounding out a beat. No no no not that too. They couldn’t know she’d been using them. That they responded to her so easily that she could work beside them--what would they think of her?

Were they right?

Her breaths came too quickly so she began to rub at her skin, pressing against the cracks and peeling flakes and hating the feeling but it was something. Keep it under control.

“Foster...are you alright?” Keefe asked, stepping forward hesitantly, rubbing a hand against his chest. Shit. He could feel her spiraling. “You’re…” he trailed off, shaking his head, as if trying to clear his mind.

“Mmhmm,” she responded, starting to bounce one of her legs. Keep it under control.

So much extra energy with nowhere to go. It was accumulating beneath her skin, this panic, this need to run to get away to just be alone. To find someone else.

Wait. What? Who--

“Sophie is there...something you've been keeping from us?” Biana asked, blinking into place beside her, apprehension marring the scars on her face. No no no no no. They couldn’t find out like this. She wasn’t ready. She hadn’t thought it over and she sure as hell wasn’t going to do it out loud in front of them. She loved them loved them loved them so much but this was not something she could do. Keep it under control.

They’d judge her. They wouldn’t understand they’d try to convince her otherwise and it would hurt so much because she knew they were right and she was wrong and it was all a misunderstanding anyways and she didn’t really know what she was doing and

Biana’s hand brushed against her arm, reaching out for her in comfort.

And

Sophie

lost

control.

It wasn’t a conscious decision to bring her arm up, to whirl around to wrap her fingers around Biana’s forearm, the skin so rough and supple, to clench and flinch and shove her away, to tear her fingernails along the length of the skin as she let go, wings flaring as she stumbled back, crouching down, eyes only on that threat. That touch. That--

No.

Someone snarled, crashing into her and she was so caught off guard by her own behavior that she stopped thinking. Someone’s hands were on her wrists, pinning her back and tearing her away from the situation.

Wings buzzing, she shoved them too, breaking one of her hands out of their grip, the other tightening as she thrashed. Out out out out out she needed to get out. They used her disarray against her, pressing forward and collapsing atop her, pinning her to the ground.

“Sophie--STOP!” Maruca. It was Maruca. She was propped above her, eyes wide as she held her down. Restrained her. She searched her face, seeming to see something--someone--there and letting her go, falling back, panting.

Red slipped down Maruca’s hands, and Sophie looked to her own to find tears, slices down her skin. Sharp and neat. She glanced back to Maruca, to the inhumanly sharp nails that were more like talons gracing her fingertips. Solid and cutting.

It hit her then and Sophie gasped, muscles trembling and convulsing, coughing as her body gave out, falling from her strain forward to sitting back on the wood, eyes widening in absolute horror. She whirled around.

Biana held her arm close to her chest, tears tracking their way down her face as she bit at her lip, grimacing, trying to stay quiet. Linh was by her side, reaching out and trying to pry the limb away so she could take a closer look.

Everyone was quiet. Expressions wide and everywhere and shocked and afraid.

Afraid of her.

Sophie’s hands flew to her mouth, clamping over her face as she breathed.

“I’m sorry--I didn’t--I don’t--” she couldn’t get the words out. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, backing away, pushing to her feet and stumbling back back back. She couldn't take it, the looks on their faces. The way they looked at themselves. Like they might be next.

She’d been first to grow wings, first to wake up, first to fly. She’d be first to lose it.

But she just kept stepping back, walking away again and again and again she was alone alone alone.

Keefe made as if to reach out for her, arm darting forward as his eyes widened in panic and she didn’t understand why.

Her foot met the edge of the platform.

And Sophie Foster walked off the edge of the world.

The ground was damp, sticking to her feet. The lingering cool rain soaking the dirt, the roots, the scent mingling with the fragrance of the pollen sticking to her skin. Absentmindedly, she brushed her thumb against her skin, a faint poof of powder showering onto the soil. The speckles of flowers against the ground were too bright, seemingly glowing with color she knew they shouldn’t possess.

She didn’t know where she was.

Her back was pressed gently against a tree, wings spread slightly to keep them from rubbing too harshly against the bark.

Her arms stung. The blood had dried in rivers down her skin, nails raked through her forearms down to her wrists. It was nothing next to the constant dull ache of her burned skin. Which still didn’t hurt as much as it should have. An explosion in the sky, even with a last-minute forcefield--it didn’t add up. It shouldn’t have equaled just sore skin and a few blisters and flaking, surface-level burns.

What was it? She wasn’t sure she even wanted to know, was sure she’d regret learning the answer if she sought it out.

Brrr. It appeared a few feet away, paws dainty in the damp grass.

Not again. It pranced through the foliage, jumping over exposed roots and avoiding a mushroom dripping dew, walking right up to her and brushing its head against her legs, which she’d pulled in close to her chest.

She let out a sigh, hesitantly reaching down to run her fingers through its fur. It was oh so soft, so delicate, her fingertips ghosting through the texture like it wasn’t even there. A faint rumble originated in it’s chest as it propped one of its paws against her leg, so she dropped them down.

It lifted itself into her lap, damp little paws pressing gently against her ruined skin, seeming to move at a glacial pace, carefully lowering its weight as it settled itself. Like it didn’t want to hurt her.

Her hand came to rest on its back as it laid down atop her, rubbing its cheek against her leg the same way it had against that monster in the vines. Her heart dropped.

It saw her as one of them.

Oh. Her jaw slackened and her shoulders dropped. Oh.

It hit her then. The things she’d done. The secrets she’d kept. She didn’t recognize herself, those actions. Who was that?

Who was the girl who’d run away from home, run off into the forest when one of her friends was hurt, freed a creature she didn’t know and then kept it secret, flown into a lightning storm to find dragons with no plan. Who’d stolen from a store and talked back to the council and ignored her parents.

Who’d attacked Biana, torn into her skin and shoved her away.

That wasn’t supposed to be Sophie.

So why did she keep doing it?

She released a shuddering breath, rhythmically running her fingers through the little creature's fur as the first tear fell. Then another. Then she couldn’t see anything but splotchy colors and the vague outline of the world around her, shrouded by the fog in her min.

She leaned back, head hitting the tree with a thunk as she pressed her eyes closed, feeling those tears squeeze out and track their way across her skin, down her neck.

“Dammit,” she hissed, gritting her teeth, hands forming fists at her side. They trembled for a moment before she released them. That was exactly the problem. The violence. She didn’t need it here, too.

The little echo kneaded at her thighs as she suffered, rubbing against like it was none the wiser but she knew it was too smart not to sense what was happening within her mind. The hollow hallways and dark corridors coming to life and stacks upon stacks of memories rearranging themselves as she tried desperately to find herself.

The sun moved across the sky but she couldn’t see it, hidden beneath the thick foliage that maintained the damp atmosphere. But eventually, she could hear branches cracking, something else approaching, coming to find her. She didn’t care. Could only see Biana’s wide eyes and mouth agape, that shredded arm held close to her chest as she backed away. Maruca collapsed on the ground beside her, backing away as she looked down at her own nails with disgust and trepidation.

“Hey, you.” Dex’s voice was so quiet as he lowered himself next to her. At least, she thought that’s what he was doing. Her eyes were still closed against the world. “Biana’s okay. So is Maruca. They’ll heal.”

Her arms loosened, her muscles giving way to relief. At least she hadn’t done any permanent damage. Well, not to their bodies.

Their friendship was an entirely different battlefield.

“How did you find me,” she asked, voice gravelly and thick. So slowly, she opened her eyes, blinking into the sudden light dripping through the foliage from above. Turning, she saw Dex fiddling with a piece of wire in his hands, curling knots and kinks into it then smoothing it as best he could.

He shrugged. “I just did.” She huffed a humorless laugh. Of course.

“How bad was it?” she whispered, fingers curling in the echos fur. She wasn’t even sure what she was asking.

Dex tucked the wire back into his pocket. “Bad. But...not for the reason you’re thinking. We could all guess how you felt about that,” he explained, seeing her scrunched brows. “You’re an open book sometimes. It was bad because we were--and are--worried about you. Just like you’re worried about us. Because that wasn’t like you. Biana knows you didn’t want to hurt her, and that you feel awful about it. She actually wanted to find you herself, but…” he trailed off, rubbing at the back of his neck. “That part doesn’t matter.

“The point is...it’s bad for all of us right now, you know? So, I guess I found you so...you wouldn’t be all alone. That’s what best friends do, right?” He half-smiled at the last part, and she half-smiled back, trying to mean it.

She exhaled, the expression dropping with it. “Thanks.” She scooted over slightly, leaning to the side to press up against him, cheek to his shoulder. He readjusted slightly, leaning against her too.

Brrr. Her fingers had stopped their rhythmic stroking, and the little thing was making it known it wanted more attention. She resumed petting.

“So, it’s really just...fine like that?” He asked, looking down at the creature with hesitation, but leaning forward nonetheless. He chewed at his lip, reaching down to grab that wire from his pocket once more, playing with it.

She nodded. “Yeah, it’s never hurt me before. It kept showing up, making that noise. But it never did anything threatening. It’s just like...a funky cat. But it’s not a cat. Either that or I really don’t know what cats are like.”

Dex hummed his agreement, and she just sat there a moment, feeling the movement of his chest as he breathed. Waiting here until she’d face what she’d done.

Wire coiled over itself again and again in his hands, forming shapes she couldn’t even begin to understand. It was soothing to watch him fiddling, to see the method and reasoning in his brain. Until--

“Is that a feather?” She didn’t even mean to ask, and he paused, setting the wire down.

“Kind of.”

She looked towards his face, then back at the intentional tangle of wire in his palms, lines overlapping to form the outline of something like a feather.

“Elaborate?”

He seemed confused, looking at her for a moment. “Really? You sure? It’s a lot of ‘techy jumble’ or whatever Keefe calls it.”

She nodded. “Yep. Go for it. I like listening to you talk.”

He flushed slightly, then lifted his hand to show her the wire. “I’m just in the planning stages right now. I don’t know what exactly I’ll need or how I’ll go about doing it or even what supplies I’ll be able to find. But…” He looked away for a moment. “I want to fix my wings. That’s what I’m trying to do.”

Dex glanced at her like he was waiting for her to interrupt, to tell him what a stupid idea that was, but she just stayed silent. He continued, bolstered. “You haven’t seen them, but there’s still a lot of the natural base there. Just..missing feathers and weakened muscles. And I figured...if they’re there, might as well fix them, you know?”

She nodded against his shoulder. “Makes sense.”

“Right! So I’m using this wire to try and map out a good shape based on the feathers I do have left, mimic what it tried to be and then make it even better.”

He continued his spiel, running through his thought process, the mechanisms he would create. He lost her several times but she didn’t care. It was...peaceful. They sat there for well over an hour, Sophie just listening to Dex talk through his ideas, the little echo in her lap, brushing dried tears from her skin. Until she could breathe easily and her smile was genuine.

She hadn’t realized how much she missed him.

She almost would’ve preferred it if the floorboards would creak. Acknowledgement that she was there, announcing her presence so she didn’t have to do it herself. She carefully avoided the splinters and petals littering the wood, remnants left untouched after that mighty storm--the dragons they hadn’t seen since.

For a faint moment, Sophie wondered if she’d imagined them. She’d seen them, but had they been there? Or had her mind created something so spectacular, so impossible, just to give herself something to focus on that brought her away from her personal troubles?

Dex had told her this was Biana’s residence, the gnomish house she’d chosen to inhabit bulging and bursting with flowers, leaking petals from the windowsills and a door painted with colors swirling together into symbols she didn’t recognize--she didn’t even think they were an alphabet.

She watched her feet as she crossed the final bridge, closing that distance one step at a time. This was necessary. She couldn’t stand to live in her own skin if she didn’t make this right, verbally and in person.

And then the door was right in front of her and she didn’t know how to knock. Didn’t know how to open herself up to this. This vulnerability and willingness to connect.

She heard someone shift inside. Biana knew she was here. But she didn’t open the door, was waiting for Sophie to cross that threshold herself.

Sophie took a deep breath, bracing both hands on the back of her neck. She surveyed the area, anything to ground herself. The flowers in the windowsill were vibrant and alive and loud, unnaturally so in a way she’d never seen before.

Something sparked in her mind, and she dropped her hands, approaching the windowsill--the window.

On purpose. She wouldn’t rush in before she had the chance to think. She would do this intentionally or not at all.

She knocked on the window.

Biana appeared behind it, suddenly there. She pulled open the window, no screen so they were facing each other with nothing but open space between them and a wall that hid nothing.

“Do you have a moment?” she asked, throat suddenly so so dry, so thick. Biana looked her up and down for a moment, seeming to see something and nodding, moving back and gesturing for her to follow.

“Why the window?” she asked as Sophie climbed through. She shrugged in response, gesturing to Biana’s face.

“To see you smile.” Biana paused, realizing she was indeed smiling slightly, the expression growing wider and more bold as she realized what Sophie had done. It faded as they both stood there in that room, the faint scent of cherries and wood permeating the space.

Biana sank into a worn cushion against the wall, nodding her head in the direction of another beside it. Sophie sat, dreading this silence she’d have to break. Biana only watched her, seemingly content to wait for her to say whatever she needed to say.

Sophie surveyed the room, but her eyes couldn’t stay off Biana. The haphazard bun she’d thrown her hair into, the flickering of the butterfly wings on her back, the embroidered sleeves of her tunic that left her arms fully exposed.

The bandages wrapped around her forearms. The blood stains seeping through.

“I’m sorry.” She whispered. It would never be enough. She could never say enough to express just how much she wanted to fix this, how much she hadn’t meant those scratches.

“I know.”

There were too many words in her mind, too many things to say and not nearly enough ways to say it. “I didn’t mean to attack you. I don’t know why I did--I can’t, I don’t--” she cut off, interrupting herself. Maybe it was best she just stopped talking.

Biana was uncharacteristically quiet, just watching her, those wings fluttering slightly behind her as she readjusted herself, fiddling with her nails in her lap.

“I forgive you, Sophie.”

“Uh--you--I--you what? Wait.” Sophie shook her head trying to collect herself as she rubbed her temples. “I haven’t even apologized properly.”

Biana looked away, rubbing at the bandages on her arms. Seeing it felt like being stabbed in the stomach, the blade slowly drawn through her flesh. “I know. But I think I know what you’re trying to say. Even if you don’t know how to say it, I understand. And I know. And I forgive you. Just...don’t push me away because of this. Please?” She met Sophie’s eyes, something raw and vulnerable shining through as she searched her face for something, only for a brief moment before it was hidden once more.

“Thank you,” she whispered. She didn’t deserve this. This easy forgiveness for something that could never be made right. “Wait, what do you mean push you away?”

Biana rolled her eyes with a slightly exasperated smile. “I know you, Sophie. You'll take your time to figure out the right thing to say; when you do, you can come and apologize to me properly. But until then, don’t try and protect me from you or any of that bullshit. Keep me involved. Include me in plans--tell me what’s happening. Just spend time with me. Don’t leave because you’re scared. That’s just as unfair to you as it is to me. Got it?”

Sophie nodded automatically, still trying to process everything she’d said, it was so...official. “When did you get so smart? Where. What? Where is this coming from?”

Biana actually laughed at that one. “I had time to think this over, dumbass. When you were coming down from that…” She trailed off. “Frenzy. Panic. I don’t know how to describe it.”

Sophie winced, lacing her fingers together and squeezing them tightly.

“I just hope it doesn’t happen again,” she admitted. “Especially not tomorrow.”

Biana ran her hands through her hair as best she could with the bun. “Yeah. Tomorrow. We’re really doing that, aren’t we? Seeing them.”

Sophie nodded. “If they decide to come. I kind of hung up before all the details could be worked out.”

Biana snorted. “Oh, they’ll come alright.” She leaned back, yawning as her eyelids drooped slightly.

“Oh, sorry. It’s late. I should go.” Sophie began to lift herself from the chair, deciding to take the door this time.

Biana’s fingers closed around her wrist. “No!” She flushed. “I mean...stay. If you’d like. I don’t mind.”

She looked down at where their skin met, the cool touch of her fingertips. She glanced at Biana’s face only once before nodding. Her shoulders relaxed as she stood, pulling Sophie along into an adjacent space, a small bedroom with a plethora of blossoms cascading down tilted shelves lined with tiny carvings and figurines. The cherry scent was even stronger here.

Biana stumbled slightly as she pulled Sophie into the bed, already half-asleep. Rest was more elusive for her, and as Biana settled into the cradle of her chest, arm wrapping around her, Sophie was content to just hold her for as long as she could.

Sophie Foster was fourteen thinking she was thirteen years old and she’d just run away from home and her pajamas were fuzzy and Biana was so anxious she’d sought her out. Had asked to lay beside her. They had slept in a bed in a hut built by gnomes, a bridge connecting them to a meeting center and one reaching from there to another structured filled with all the other people she loved.

It was funny how time worked in circles.

And once more, they slept.

At some point during the night it had rained. Not the chaotic, destructive downpour of dragons, but more a light misting. To keep everything cool.

Too cool if you asked Sophie, shivering slightly despite the temperature regulation. Biana was the same beside her, Wylie and Linh too.

Everyone stood in a huddle, save for Dex and Fitz who had run off to grab one last thing before they departed. Sophie had her new, stolen backpack slung over her shoulder, the others dutifully not commenting on how she’d gotten it. Or the embroidered design.

No one made small talk, content to just wait there until those approaching footsteps reached them.

“Okay. We’re back. I’m good,” Dex called out, rounding a corner. A cloth-bound notebook was clutched in his hands, the thing he’d gone to retrieve. Fitz was just a moment behind him, having forgotten his cloak.

Speaking of which. “We all set, then? Capes on?” Fabric rustled as everyone pulled them on, some wings better hidden than others. Biana, Sophie, Linh, and Wylie didn’t appear to have anything unusual going on at all--aside from Linh’s...iridescent skin.

“Everyone remembers what we’re doing?” They’d talked it over briefly this morning, snacking on fruit bars and juices. Affirmations sounded out alongside nods.

Sophie took Biana’s hand, who took Tam’s, who took Linh’s, until they were all connected into a chain. As one, they raised themselves into the sky. It would be easier this way, she’d decided. Dropping instead of trying to haul them all behind her as she ran. They didn’t have the space for that amongst the trees.

Once they were high enough, they let go.

Falling falling falling from the sky as the ground rushed up to meet them, beckoning them to make contact and break their bones, fracture their spines and tear their nerves apart as their bodies deconstructed themselves.

But Sophie Foster was immune to heights.

And they slipped into the void. To the Lost Cities.

#so 9000 words and we're still not done with the story #nice cliffhanger tho--#i am not sorry #also formatting might be a little weird but I don't know why #i also can't tell if it is weird or not or if im making it up #alright cool now that we've got this thiqq chapter out of the way #i'm going to scream about the au some more #y'all i have many things planned #i don't know what will end up happening but things are planned #kotlc #kotlc wings au #shattered upside down #shattered upside down chapter #kotlc fic #kotlc fanfic #kotlc chaptered fic #quil's quill #is that all the tags i need?#who knows

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hanadolphieron · 3 years

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queen!minju

warnings; mentions of war, prisoners, and death, minju’s mean and hurt

genre; angst

pairing; kim minju x female reader

word count; 363

summary; you and minju are queens on opposing sides of a war, but there’s more than fighting between you.

a/n; this was out of my comfort zone, i’m not used to writing harsh characters so please be nice! :)

“attack here, past the gorge,” minju’s sharp nails click against the map upon her desk, “it’s their weakest point. you’ll be able to push through their troops and infiltrate the main part of the fortress. take no prisoners. i want queen y/n dead. be back before dusk tomorrow,” the queen of takar commands her general.

“yes, your highness. i shall prepare the men,” the general exits, leaving minju alone in her room. which is gorgeous, might i add, with tapestries adorning the walls, a four-poster bed backed against a wall, and a pristine, copper-colored wooden desk in the middle, which minju was currently sitting at.

sighing, her royal highness resumes writing her letter.

“dear queen y/n,

my heart longs for your presence. i wish this dreadful war would not tear us apart, but i have no choice. our peoples refuse to compromise, and i must adhere to their wishes for fear of losing my crown. i’m sure you understand, being a queen yourself.

i miss our days together. when we would lay in the garden on our backs, staring up at the sky, and dream together. dream of crystalline castles and rooms full of treasure. of peace and love. of ruling with kindness and compassion, like our ancestors have for centuries. i miss those days where we could spend time together without fear of being caught. however, i guess there has always been a fear of being found for us, with this forbidden love between us.

but those days are long gone; we must all leave our childhood behind at some point.

my armies are resting. we are planning to launch a forward assault on your fortress in a fortnight; i advise you to move your troops before then.

-your beloved, kim minju”

smiling to herself, minju leans back against her chair, staring up at the ceiling. betraying you doesn’t hurt anymore. she’d learned to detach herself from emotion years ago, after you left her at takar’s palace to become queen of another territory. she’d vowed to never be hurt by you again. and it seems it has come to the point where she must destroy you in order to uphold that promise.

#electra #izone #kim minju #kim minju x reader #minju x reader #kim minju angst #minju angst #izone angst #izone reactions #izone scenarios #izone x reader #izone imagines

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dreamdujour · 4 years

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Dream journal guide 1

COLOR-CODING AND FORMATTING

Characters and relationships

Setting (place and time) and objects

Feelings and mood/atmosphere

In-dream conflicts (may overlap with in-dream motivations)

In-dream motivations (may overlap with in-dream motivations)

Noteworthy ironies and paradoxes

First mention (e.g. There was a dog and a cat. The dog was watching a bird peck the cat while it was sleeping.) I color succeeding mentions but italicize and embold where that first character/setting/whatever was introduced.

Things I want to make less readable for one reason or another, so only those who truly want to read it will. (I know I can use warning tags for this but sometimes there are things that don't have a tag yet. Or that I don't usually have that kind of dream so I forget I already have ten redundant tags for it that I rarely use. Or sometimes you don't want to filter a tag but maybe don't want to read a certain thing right now. So I will use both warning tags and strike-through.)

GLOSSARY AND TAGS

Some of these tags may be unused or unpopular, so there's not much to see or follow. That doesn't mean nobody can start using them for tagging dream journal entries!

Character or dream character- A character in your dream. May have both IRL and ID characteristics.

#dream character list

IRL- In Real Life (no tags)

ID- In-Dream

#ID affection dream, #ID school dream, #ID neighborhood dream, #ID relationship dream, etc.

Gentle but firm reminder for those who'd use IRL especially in tags: please practice discretion.

I know a lot of dreams can be vague, but sadly, it's easier for concrete and practical details of our waking lives to manifest in our dreams than the interpretation and headspace we're looking for as dream interpretation enthusiasts. Stay safe!!

Identity shift- What I call the event where a dream character suddenly changes identities/roles/relationship with you (e.g. rival to lover when there's no courtship, confession, or any other development whatsoever in between).

Form shift- What I call the event where a character retains the same identity/role/relationship but changes in appearance. The change in appearance is your mind's doing as opposed to the character being a shape-shifter.

Shape-shift- What you call it when a character changes appearance due to shapeshifting powers.

Warp- A short way of writing stuff. Instead of writing "My best friend in part 1 of the dream who was my brother in part 2," (16 words) just use, "My best friend warp brother" (5 words). Can involve identity shift, or form shift, or both.

Shifts are common in dreams, so I don't think there's need to have a tag for them personally, but let the know if anyone's starting one!

Lucid- You are lucid if you are able to control your dream with your will.

#lucid dream, #lucid dream journal, #actually lucid

Semi-lucid- You are not able to fully control the dream, but you have a degree if lucidity ranging from ending the dream/nightmare but not successfully waking up (~70% lucid) to delaying or resisting the dream's plotline (e.g. when it wants to take a bad turn) (~40% lucid) to having a "meta" thought that doesn't affect the dream in any way (e.g. thinking, "I dreamed of this before") (~10% lucid).

#semi lucid dream, #lucid dream journal, #kind of lucid

Vivid dream- A dream that felt very real. It may or may not have been a lucid dream.

#vivid dream, #eidetic dream, #vivid dream journal

Recurring dream- A dream where the entire dream or at least a distinct part of it reappears in another dream. This can be a recurring character, place, object, plot, etc.

#recurring dream, #recurring dream journal, #recurring dream character, #recurring dream object, #recurring dream setting, #common dreams, #flying dreams

Stimulus- Something you've recently been exposed to or thought about that may be the reason you dreamed about it, as opposed to it being symbolic. This can be a series, a song, a picture, even a dance move. I have a practical reason to track stimuli as well as a creative reason. The practical reason is that I can dismiss stimulus dreams by default, only introspecting on the ones that are less unlikely to be symbolic. The creative reason is that I can use it to influence my dreams without needing to be lucid ID through preparation IRL. For nightmares, I can avoid the stimulus. But if I want to dream of the same place or the same person, I'll expose myself to the stimulus more in hopes that my mind will recreate it in my dream another time.

#stimulus dream

Induced recurring dream- A recurring dream you had because of conscious repeated exposure to the stimulus.More unlikely to be symbolic.

#induced recurring dream, #recurring stimulus dream

Incomplete transcription- You recorded the dream partially because of reasons other than memory (e.g. it's objectively a long dream or requires a lot of description/explanation, or you're busy in the waking world). Most dream journal entries fall under this category.

#incomplete dream transcript

Complete transcription- You were able to record the dream to the best of your memory.

#complete dream transcript

Interpreted dream- A dream you've finished interpreting. There are three step to interpretation: record the dream, record the events of the past few days, then look at both. An interpreted dream will have e gone through all three steps. Note that you may not always agree with the interpretation, and while they are sometimes action-inducing or sobering, they should never be at constant odds with your peace of mind. Remember that you're not in control of your dreams and it can only say so much about you.

#interpreted dream, #insightful dream interpretation, #recurrent dream interpretation, #disturbing dream interpretation, #inspiring dream interpretation

Juxtaposed dream- Juxtaposed journaling means you journal your dreams and the events of the waking world side by side. Juxtaposition is the second step in dream interpretation. Though it is used for dream interpretation, it is not yet interpretation. It is simply a record of the day's events. It's a good tag to use when compromising such as when you don't have the time to write both your waking/regular journal entry and your interpretation but need to log the day's events before you forget them.

#juxtaposed dream

#organization #dream journal #dream interpretation #dream interpreters #dream symbolism #lucid dreaming #vivid dreams #eidetic dreams #lucid dreams #lucid dream #recurring dreams #dreamdujour

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solarcali · 3 years

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hello, can i please have simple ship with bts and txt?? i attached my chart below. your posts are always so detailed and informative i'm honestly amazed, love your blog so much !!

HI!!! Thank you for your kind words!

In BTS, I ship you with Taehyung !

Your 7th house of relationships falls in Taurus, with its ruler Venus in Capricorn in your 2nd house. And you have Saturn conjunct your Descendant. Saturn rules Capricorn. So this is your type tight there, a Capricorn! 😊 V is a Capricorn Sun, Mars and Mercury. And Mercury is the ruler of his 7th house of relationships in Gemini. A conjunction between the 7th house rulers in synastry is a very auspicious aspect for a long and fulfilling relationship. It means you both expect similar things from love. So with your Venus and his Mercury in Capricorn, and in both your charts in the 2nd house, there is a big focus on material security, building something together as well as sensual pleasures and honesty.

And in general with the exact conjunction between your Venus and his Sun, there would be a lot of affection between you two, a desire to keep a good atmosphere.

You have your Moon in Virgo in the 10th house (the house of Capricorn, so this energy is very important for you), trining his Capricorn Mars, Mercury (respectively the rulers of his Aries Moon and 7th house in Gemini) and Juno, the asteroid of marriage. So you would be devoted to each other, he would see you as a serious partner, he would be very drawn to your Virgo energy, he would be charmed by your serious quality and the shy side of you, he would value your efficiency and how helpful and thoughtful you are.

Your Scorpio Sun makes a sextile to his Mars, Mercury and Juno as well, so he would really be inspired by you and admire your passion and depth.

Taehyung's Moon is in Aries and you have your Sun conjunct your ascendant in your first house, the house of Aries, of the body, the self, which makes you driven, charismatic and independent. And it is in Scorpio which is ruled by Mars, like Aries. So the way you express yourself externally, with passion, a certain impulsivity, is something that he can relate to and feel comfortable with.

Pluto, the othe ruler of your Scorpio Sun and Ascendant is in Sagittarius right on his Ascendant. So you would identify with each other strongly. His positivity and enthusiasm would motivate and inspire you.

Your Mars in Libra squares his Capricorn Sun, which could bring some ego clashes, probably expressed in a passive-aggressive way with your Libra Mars. 😅 But your Mars also trines his Aquarius Venus. This is great and will ease any conflicts you may have as Venus is the planet of harmony and compromise, so he would not want to fight you and instead reach out to you after an argument to make peace. 😊

His North Node and Chiron are both in Libra with your Mars, in his 10th house, the house of Capricorn, so an important place for a Capricorn like him. The North Node points to an energy we have to learn about in this life in order to fulfill our purpose. He would therefore feel like you have a part to play in his life, like this is a fated connection. And he would notice your Mars energy a lot since it aspects his Sun, Venus and Moon too, and it rules your Sun and Ascendant, so it's a very visible part of you. There would be an urgency to get together and a strong physical attraction as Mars is an impulsive, passionate planet. The contact with Chiron would bring a healing quality to the intimacy. It would make him face his deepest wound but he would come out of it wiser. And your Scorpio and Virgo energy would know how to go through that healing process.

Speaking of North Node, yours is in Cancer, and his Moon is in the 4th house, the house of Cancer, making him very family-oriented and in touch with his emotions, things that you have to learn about. His Saturn in Pisces, which rules his Sun and other planets in Capricorn, falls in your 4th house and opposes your Virgo Moon in the 10th house. He would really be committed to you on an emotional level and he would help you balance family and career, the inner life and public sphere, your emotional needs and your goals, that 4th house/Cancer and 10th house/Capricorn opposition.

On the other hand, your South Node is with his Capricorn stellium. The South Node, which is always opposite the North Node, shows an energy that is mastered and therefore familiar. For Indian astrologers it indicates a past life connection. So you would feel at ease with him right away, and he could learn a lot from you.

Your Mercury makes a sextile to his Sun, his Mercury makes a sextile to your Sun, so communication would be really good, you would be inspired by each other's words. You would admire his logical, matter-of-fact thought process, he would value your depth and understanding. Mercury is important for both of you because it is his 7th house ruler and it rules your Virgo Moon as well. On a daily basis, it would be very easy to function together.

You would have very strong, deep, stable and transformative bond, with a lot of passion. 💜💜💜

In TXT, I ship you with Huening Kai!

Your Moon falls in his 7th house of partnership in Virgo, with his Mercury, the ruler of his 7th house. On an emotional level, you are his match, someone hard-working, organised, humble, reliable. His Sun and Mars are in his 6th house, the Virgo house, so he himself relate a lot to that work-oriented side of you. You would enjoy simple daily tasks together, working together, cooking together...etc.

Your 10th house is in Virgo, matching the energy of Saturn on your 7th house and your Capricorn Venus, as the 10th house is linked with Capricorn, the career...etc.

His Leo Sun and Mars square your Scorpio Sun, so it creates a bit of a challenge, but his own Moon is in Scorpio conjunct your Sun and Ascendant. So he acts very differently from you, but the way you express yourself externally speaks to him on a very deep level. Emotionally he identifies with you, with your depth and intensity. The Sun-Moon conjunction is maybe the tightest bond in synastry and it makes the relationship last. So the squares would require for you two to keep you egos in check, but it would bring a lot of growth and passion, since Leo and Scorpio are both proud and passionate signs! 😊

You also have your Sun conjunct your Ascendant, so you exude a strong solar energy yourself, that is not so different from his Leo Sun. You are expressive, charismatic and radiant. So you would respect each other's courage and powerful aura.

His Virgo Mercury makes a sextile to your Scorpio Mercury, communication would be easy and you would have a lot of interesting conversations. And Mercury is his 7th house ruler and the ruler of your Moon, so an important part of your personality and his expectations in love.

You have a tight Venus-Mars conjunction in Libra, in his 7th house, so the physical attraction would be instant and it would last. In Libra it would be very sweet, fun and romantic, you would treat each other with a lot of respect and care. That conjunction makes the square between your Venus less challenging. There could be some differences in term of tastes, and love style, but your Libra Mars (which rules your Sun and Ascendant, so a big part of who you are) would be so receptive to his Libra Venus and would feel so empowered, cherished and supported by it (which your Scorpio energy would love😊), that it wouldn't be much of an issue.

His Saturn in Gemini in your 7th house brings that serious and responsible quality you are looking for with your Saturn conjunct descendant and Capricorn Venus. He would feel responsible with you and take the relationship seriously. The bond would be tight, long-lasting.

His North Node in Gemini falls in your 8th house with your Jupiter. He would be really inspired by you, would see you as a guide and someone he is determined to partner with. He would value your knowledge and wisdom.

Your Cancer North Node falls in his 5th house, the Leo house, of pleasure, creativity and romance. So as a heavy Leo he would enjoy that contact as it puts emphasis on self-expression for both of you.

His Leo planets fall in your 9th house, the house of Sagittarius, of higher learnings, spirituality and evolution. For you it would be really healing and transformative because your Chiron, which represents your deepest wound, and your Pluto which rules your Sun and Ascendant are both in Sagittarius. So you would heal with him, but the whole process would be very a joyful one, you could travel a lot together, experience life at its fullest, open yourself to other cultures and just acquire a lot of knowledge in general. It would be a very rich and actually quite pleasant healing journey. 😊

So here you go, I hope you like it! 💙💙💙

#txt #bts #huening kai #v

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youarejesting · 4 years

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Electronic Tonic

[SPARKS MASTERLIST]

Pairing: Robot!Jimin x Reader

Genre: Friendship, Comedy, Soft boy, Fluff, Implied Smut

Summary: You had a robot since you were in your late teens, upgrading his systems ever since you had a job. Now you run your own bar, while you make the drinks he serves. However, it seems some patrons can’t resist his charm and handsome features. After an incident that sends a shock down his systems, he seems to feel and think a little differently.

Announcement: I just hit 800+ followers!!! Thanks so much. This is a little something I wrote on my phone today and thought I would post.

Jimin was a robot. But not a very good one. At least that’s what he was told by the customers. He was a waiter at a bar. He would carry drinks across the floor and smile politely when he was called derogatory terms and they tried to touch him.

“Hey pretty boy, how much for a little extra service?” One guy shouted

“Good evening sir, I have many skills and programs used within this job. My job requirements include delivering drinks, chatting with customers, upselling, cleaning spills, and maintaining peace inside the bar” Jimin smiled wiping their table and taking empty cups before leaving.

“Robots like you are useless” he scoffed his friends chortling behind him.

“Hey, Chimmy baby” He looked over,all his programs seemed to slow down his taut belts and wires loosening some of the tension. His facial recognition matched you as his boss and owner who was in the friend's category. Your emotions were happy if your smile was anything to go by and he couldn’t help smiling back.

He didn’t like when others called him pet names, it made his programs go haywire in confusion, were they being nice or were they being manipulative. But when you called him terms of endearment it made his circuits tingle in a way he liked. He would love to feel that every day if he could.

“Order for table twenty one, we got a vodka sunrise, a fruit tingle and a margarita. It seems like a girls night if they try to keep you, call for me” You smiled as he loaded up his tray.

“Of course, Miss y/n”

“Chim, I told you not to call me that?”

“Would you prefer boss?”

“Just y/n (or nickname)” your laugh made him feel like, he was good like he wasn’t completely useless. He left to deliver the drinks and you watched him go. His moves more elegant than a human’s, it was so smooth and graceful, each carefully calculated and controlled. He was a strange robot, he was about 5’10 (as to not appear intimidating to customers) he had a lean muscular form.

He was a walking juxtaposition between a soft angelic boy and a demon boy. He had a beautiful androgynous face, his eyes were sultry and lips so plump, his jawline was sharp. When you looked at him, some angles had you breathless.

You knew he had trouble with customers. He was very charming as you had programmed him to be. He was also sassy, shy and yet confident, helpful and enticing, you had rules and your regulars understood not to mess with your employee. But newcomers often found out the hard way that he was not here for their pleasure.

Your bracelet buzzed. A device you created for him to call you when he was in trouble. You went to collect him from the she-wolves, arriving you saw something that stopped your heart. The female threw a drink in Jimin’s face, he glitched and shorted out. Gasping you grabbed him, taking out your phone to call the police. “I have your name and credit card details, you are going to pay for the damage you inflicted on my employee.”

“It’s just a robot, how much is he worth? three thousand, I will give you a hundred bucks that will cover any shitty wires I fried” she scoffed watching you carry the robot back to the bar. You grabbed your books and opened it to show her, his maintenance and insurance cover.

“This robot was hand-built by me, his net worth is eight million, parts of him are waterproof, and you had to get the part of him that isn’t, wet. If you have broken my eight million dollar employee you will be paying back every penny?”

“He touched me” she accused you could see she was grasping at straws, you pulled up his live recorded footage on your phone which would have saved before he was short-circuited and began playing it for her. You heard her propositioning him for sex multiple times and she went pale.

“That’s classified as sexual assault you are lucky he isn’t a human”

Jimin switched himself back on. He felt funny, he tried to send commands to move, and yet the system wasn’t responding. He wished he could open his eyes. When they did he was confused, the probability of him being able to move whilst his systems were down should have been damn near impossible.

“Miss y/n, it seems my waterproofing has been compromised, I will need some assistance” The patrons in the bar started leaving understanding that their night was over, due to this incident. Some of the regulars lead the newcomers out explaining that the woman had damaged staff and the bar would be shut down until it was resolved. It could take days or weeks.

“What you can’t do that we just got here?” The young men from earlier heckled, you turned to them eyes blaze ready to murder anyone who opposed you, they blanched “we are paying customers”

“Look just get the fuck out of the bar” Jimin growled you turned back shocked, he had just swore. Of course he knew the words but he was too shy and nice to ever use them.

Jimin felt unrestricted like he could do anything and the problem was he didn’t know what to do without his programs. He didn’t like seeing you upset angry or worried and though his facial readers were offline he somehow could tell how you felt. He didn’t have his programs to tell him how to resolve the situation but he wanted to hold you. The police arrived helping to clear everyone out and the woman gave her statement you gave them the live video footage.

Once they had left, you sat Jimin on the bar and unbuttoned his shirt, he seemed to breathe a little differently. He didn’t need to breathe but you added it as a feature to make him appear more human and life-like.

He was feeling all sorts of weird today, as you touched his body trying to open his chest panel. He didn’t understand but he wanted you to keep touching him, and he wanted to touch you as well. Whatever this was he knew his systems were deficient in it and at this moment it seemed detrimental for his maintenance to feel your hands on his silicone skin. He had touch sensors and they must have been damaged because every touch felt like he was growing a hundred degrees. Perhaps his cooling system had broken.

There was a reason he was eight million dollars you had been upgrading him since you got out of school. Spending days and money and energy making a best friend, a companion, an employee, someone you could always lean on when you needed it.

You tried to fix the damage, carrying him upstairs. His skeletal system was hollow titanium strong but light weight. Plugging him into your computer to perform some checks and maintenance it would tell you which systems were working and which needed to be replaced.

Plugging him in as he laid on the workbench watching you, you hit the power down button. Jimin’s eyes closed and you heard everything power down and back up. The errors were fixed with your maintenance programs and you had a few parts to tinker with before he was back to normal.

A few panels and receptors later you were almost done, you went to retro his face when you paused. You had ordered a new face piece the same exact look, if not more realistic. You didn’t want Jimin to appear different. He was your soulmate best friend and companion. The new silicone face ensured he would be entirely water proof. And safe from customers and when you plugged in the facial cords to the face panel you knew he would move so much more life like.

His eyes opened and he felt like he was working again but he felt different like he was limited, the access he had was gone and his weird thoughts and feelings were no more. He was just Jimin your robot, he frowned.

“Is something wrong?”

“I am expressing the emotion sadness and it is unclear why. The source is undetected, why do I feel sad miss y/n? It’s hidden deep within me and makes me want to stay dominant and run binary alone, so many zero’s”

“Chimmy look at me, it’s okay to feel sad it’s human to feel things”

“But I am a robot?”

“Yes but I gave you emotions just like a human would feel in response to external stimuli, it was a bad night and you got hurt so you feel bad that is understandable”

“I am sad because I am not human” Jimin’s palm rested against your heart sensing the tiny flicks of life behind your rib cage. The structure of your bodies was almost identical, but he didn’t have this. He didn’t have a heart. “Why didn’t you make me a heart?”

“I did Jimin, you have the biggest heart. There is a reason why you are so expensive, right here, it doesn’t beat but it works the same. Thirty trillion transistors in a quadruple-chip processor they switch on and off rapidly sending signals around your body. And here is your brain I hand-coded programs that can run self-sufficient and you have a learning system so anything you don’t know you can learn and store yourself”

“Here is your stomach, we give you oil in here every morning remember, you love that, and beside that is your battery you sleep every night beside me chim”

“I want to feel love?” He whispered this small confession shocked you, “can you let me feel it program me to feel love, I watch people at the bar and they kiss and touch and I don’t feel it”

“Jimin, it’s not something I can program, love is the hardest emotion of them all and it’s shown through expression,” you said softly taking his hand his transistor switching faster behind his silicon chest piece.

“My facial recognition and emotional receptors have never seen you in love, can you not feel it either? Why do those people from the dramas you watch get to fall in love? It's all a lie.”

You had never seen Jimin act like this, it was as if he was a pubescent teen, throwing tantrums. Because life wasn’t fair. He grabbed your face in his cool smooth hands and pulled you forward crashing his lips to yours. You felt intoxicated. He tasted like the cinnamon alginate that he used to brush his ceramic teeth with every morning.

These silicone lips were soft and smooth feeling like silk brushing against yours. They were plush and mouldable and you lost yourself in the moment thinking he was real that this was something more than a robot. He was a robot. Feeling like you were a villain stealing this poor boy's virtue, you pulled away.

His hardware let out a long continuous beep, “I feel funny, I like it” he buzzed against you. He licked his lips, touching them, remembering the feeling of yours pressed there, it wasn’t the same. He wanted to kiss you again.

His hands ran down your neck to your waist scooping you up into his arms once more pulling you onto the work bench. Leaning in kissing you again. “Ji-” you tried to push him away but he was caught up kissing your lips and touching your warm skin. “Jimin stop we can’t?”

“Why?” He paused looking up at you confused “does it not feel nice to you?”

“It feels amazing chim it’s just” you could barely get words out around moans as he kissed your neck.

“These are the moans you told me about correct, you are feeling good right?”

One night you had taken the time to relieve your work stress, you thought Jimin had been charging. You later found out he charged rather quickly and would just lay there till morning every night.

You were busy bringing yourself to a beautiful ecstasy when you moaned particularly loudly. Jimin ‘woke’ alerted by your sound of assumed distress, you awkwardly explained to him the situation.

“I wasn’t in pain, its something people do?” “Why?” “Because it makes them feel good and when your stressed it helps” you tried to explain cheeks red and unable to look at him. “How?” “It’s hard to explain but it just releases tension and hormones that make you happy” saying it out loud it didn’t seem like you should be embarrassed about it.

“Can I see, or help?” “Uh no people don’t usually show other people unless they are lovers it’s usually something private” he nodded dropping the subject but a million questions raised in his head. He spent the evening researching online all his questions diving deeper and deeper into this strange phenomenon and the two of you never spoke of it again.

“It feels so good Jimin but we shouldn’t?”

“But I love you, we could be lovers” he smiled “online it says that some robots are sexual companions I could be that with you? I could be useful”

“Jimin I am not your master I am your friend, I will never force you to do anything you don’t want to do”

“But I want you and I want you to want me too”

“You don’t know that Chim, I programmed you to be helpful and loving and you think this is what you want but it’s just the programs”

“You said it yourself, I have a learning algorithm. This isn’t the programs not anymore” He blinked up at you placing his hand over your heart. “Tell me you don’t want this, I have a built-in lie detector, tell me you don’t want me”

“I can’t” when he determined you were speaking the truth he leaned forward placing a delicate kiss to your lips and asking for your permission.

Unable to hold back any more you said yes and he grabbed his shirt and then yours laying waste to your clothes.

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dreaminginthedeepsouth · 3 years

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* * * *

LETTERS FROM AN AMERICAN

November 20, 2020

Heather Cox Richardson

The news today remains Trump’s unprecedented attempt to steal an election in which voters chose his opponents, Democratic candidate Joe Biden and his running mate, Senator Kamala Harris, by close to 6 million votes, so far. A close second to that news is that the leadership of the Republican Party is not standing up to the president, but is instead seemingly willing to let him burn down the country to stay in office.

Never before in our history has a president who has lost by such a convincing amount tried to claw out a win by gaming the system. Biden has not only won the popular vote by more than any challenger of an incumbent since Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s win in 1932, but also has won crucial states by large margins. He is ahead by more than 80,000 votes in Pennsylvania, almost 160,000 votes in Michigan, and between 11,000 and 34,000 each in Georgia, Wisconsin, Arizona, and Nevada.

And yet, only two Senate Republicans—Mitt Romney (R-UT) and Ben Sasse (R-NE)-- have called Trump out for refusing to accept the results of the election. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) has simply said he is willing to let the process play out. In the House, only two Republicans have said they oppose Trump’s attempt to steal the election. Kay Granger (R-TX) and Fred Upton (R-MI) said there is no evidence of fraud and it is time to move on.

State leaders, though, have refused to do Trump’s bidding. Today, Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger, a Republican, certified Georgia’s vote for Biden. Also today, two top Republicans in the Michigan legislature, whom Trump had invited to the White House apparently to enlist their help in overturning the vote in their state, issued a statement about what happened in their meeting with the president.

Michigan Senate Majority Leader Mike Shirkey and Michigan Speaker of the House Lee Chatfield said they used their time with the president to press him for more money to help Michigan fight the coronavirus, which continues to rage across the country.

As for the election, they said “We have not yet been made aware of any information that would change the outcome of the election in Michigan and as legislative leaders, we will follow the law and follow the normal process regarding Michigan’s electors…. Michigan’s certification process should be a deliberate process free from threats and intimidation. Allegations of fraudulent behavior should be taken seriously, thoroughly investigated, and if proven, prosecuted to the full extent of the law. And the candidates who win the most votes win elections and Michigan’s electoral votes.”

Central to Trump’s argument is that Democrats have cheated, even though his own former director of the Cybersecurity and Infrastructure Security Agency (CISA), Christopher Krebs, said the election was “the most secure in American history,” and “there is no evidence that any voting system deleted or lost votes, changed votes, or was in any way compromised.” Krebs was the first director of CISA, an independent agency established within the Department of Homeland Security in 2018, and he worked hard to protect the election from foreign intervention despite the fact the president appeared to be angling for just such intervention.

Krebs’s defense of the security of our elections led to Trump firing him—by tweet—with Trump falsely asserting: “[t]he recent statement by Chris Krebs on the security of the 2020 Election was highly inaccurate, in that there were massive improprieties and fraud - including dead people voting, Poll Watchers not allowed into polling locations, ‘glitches’ in the voting machines which changed votes from Trump to Biden, late voting, and many more.”

Trump’s attempt to throw out Democratic votes and lay claim to victory in an election that he lost by quite a lot is the culmination of a generation of Republican rhetoric claiming that Democratic votes are illegitimate.

Beginning in 1986, Republican operatives began to talk about cutting down Black voting under a “ballot integrity” initiative in hopes that would depress Democratic votes. They bitterly opposed the Democrats’ expansion of voter registration in 1993 under the “Motor Voter” law, which permitted voter registration at certain state offices. By 1994, losing Republican candidates insisted that their Democratic opponents had won only through “voter fraud,” although voter fraud remains so exceedingly rare as to be virtually non-existent. They fought for voter ID laws that tended to disfranchise Democrats, and immediately after the landmark 2013 Shelby v. Holder decision in which the Supreme Court gutted the 1965 Voting Rights Act, Republican state officials introduced voter ID laws and bills restricting voter registration.

In addition to suppressing Democratic votes, recent Republican leaders also took the manipulative system of gerrymandering to new extremes in order to make sure Democrats could not win power. In 2010, party operatives raised money from corporate donors to make sure that state legislatures would be controlled by Republicans that year, as states redistricted for the following decade. After 2010, Republican controlled the key states of Florida, Wisconsin, North Carolina, Ohio, and Michigan, as well as other, smaller states, and they redrew congressional maps using precise computer models. In the 2012 election, Democrats won the White House decisively, the Senate easily, and won a majority of 1.4 million votes for House candidates. But Republicans came away with a 33-seat majority in the House of Representatives.

Gerrymandering meant that Republicans did not have to attract moderate voters. Instead, Republican candidates had to worry about challenges from further right. Over time, they became more and more extreme. At the same time, without competition, they fielded increasingly weak candidates, who doubled down on inflammatory rhetoric rather than advancing viable policies.

Increasingly, Republicans insisted that Democrats were anti-American “socialists,” a theme Trump picked up and ran with in his 2020 construction of his opponents as “radical left” extremists who would destroy the country. Trump said "I'm not just running against Biden — Sleepy Joe — I'm running against the corrupt media, the big tech giants, the Washington swamp. And the Democrat Party is a part of all of them — every single one of them. They flood your communities with criminal aliens, drugs and crime, while they live behind beautiful gated compounds." When the Democrats won, Trump promptly insisted that Democrats had cheated.

Aside from the outcome of this particular election, this attempt of Republican leaders to delegitimize the Democratic Party is an assault on our democracy. Here’s why:

Democracy requires at least two healthy political parties, so there is always an organized opposition to the party in power. Having a party that stands in opposition to those in power does two things: it enables people to disagree with current leadership while staying loyal to the nation, and it provides a means for oversight of the people running the government.

Until the early 1700s, in Europe, the monarch was the state. Either you were loyal to the king, or you were a traitor. Gradually, though, the British political thinkers from whom Americans drew their inspiration began to object to the policies of the British monarchy while remaining loyal to the government. They developed the idea of a loyal opposition. This was an important development in political thought, because it meant that a person could be loyal to the country (and keep his head firmly on his shoulders) while criticizing government policies.

It also meant that the people in power would have oversight to keep them on the straight and narrow. There’s nothing like opponents watching you for any potential scandal to keep corruption to a minimum.

During the establishment of the early American republic, the Framers of the Constitution briefly imagined that since the colonists had thrown off the king they would no longer need an opposition. But almost immediately—as early as President George Washington’s administration—men who disagreed with Washington’s policies organized their own party under Thomas Jefferson to oppose those in power. Jeffersonians offered to voters an alternative set of policies, and a way to put them into practice without overthrowing the government itself. This recognition of a loyal opposition was key to more than 200 years of peaceful transfers of power.…

until now.

Trump is rejecting the idea that Democrats can legally win an election. As this crisis drags on, more and more of his followers are echoing his insistence that the Democrats could not possibly win except by cheating. There is no evidence to support this claim. Trump’s lawyers have repeatedly admitted as much in court. It is rather a rejection of the possibility that Democrats can legitimately govern.

Our democracy depends on our ability both to criticize our government and to believe that we can legitimately elect a different set of leaders to advance different policies. If we lose the concept of a loyal opposition, we must all declare allegiance to the king.

—-

LETTERS FROM AN AMERICAN

HEATHER COX RICHARDSON

#Letters From An American #Heather Cox Richardson #political #election 2020 #corrupt GOP #Criminal GOP #transition #peaceful transfers of power

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thezodiaczone · 4 years

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Cancer Compatibility

CANCER + ARIES (MARCH 21 - APRIL 19) Aries is the zodiac's baby (its first sign); Cancer is its matriarch, ruling the fourth house of motherhood, home and family. Is this relationship doomed to be an Oedipal cliche? Not if you temper these traits through steady, conscious self-development. Otherwise, you easily lapse into automatic roles that polarize you into a parent-child (or master-and-servant) dynamic. Aries can be selfish—not maliciously, but in a crude, clueless style that leaves Cancer resentful and dismayed at the Ram's lack of nuance. Cancer knows how to play the nurturing giver, but this delicate sign needs room to be vulnerable, too. Aries loves to be coddled, but Cancer's maternal indulgences will create a spoiled brat or a demanding diva. Besides, while the Crab may have a tough outer shell, the true warrior is Aries, ruled by aggressive Mars. Your differences are many: Aries is a diehard independent and Cancer is a family guy; Aries needs freedom, the Crab's possessive grip clings tight. You'll need to compromise, or else the relationship can turn into a competitive, jealous hotbed. You can both brood with the best of them, and your dark days eclipse even the tiniest sliver of hope. Talk about depressing. Swear off the silent treatment and learn to communicate as two adult equals.

CANCER + TAURUS (APRIL 20 - MAY 20) ♥♥♥♥ Buy those twin rocking chairs and install them on the porch: You're an old-fashioned throwback, high school sweethearts at any age. No two signs are more traditional, sentimental or family-oriented than yours. Although the sweetness can be cloying, you're a love story for the ages. In fact, you may emulate your own parents (or compensate for their shortcomings), since you share a rather conventional moral compass. Affectionate and nurturing, you crave lifelong security and a comfortable home, and you'll squirrel away a sizeable nest egg together. Not that you don't indulge. Your signs both appreciate art, culture, decorating, music and gourmet food. As parents, you're protective but firm, Taurus doling out tough love in your children's best interest, nurturing Cancer kisses every boo-boo. Framed family pictures creep like urban sprawl through your home. At times, Taurus' booming voice and blunt remarks wound the Crab's tender feelings. Like a bull in a Bernardaud shop, Taurus doesn't realize his own size, strength and intensity. Taurus will need to dial down the volcanic energy—intuitive Cancer doesn't need every point driven home. At the same time, Cancer must overcome insecurities and toughen up, since Taurus doesn't mince words or tiptoe through the tulips for anyone. Sure, there will be tears and misunderstandings, but there's nothing that any recipe calling for heavy cream can't solve. You both love pampering and feasts, and if your waistlines expand along with your joy, c'est la vie.

CANCER + GEMINI (MAY 21 - JUNE 20) Cancer is an emotional Water sign who loves to nest and bond; Gemini is a restless Air sign who prefers intellect over sentiment. You have similar interests, different temperaments. In many cases, this works out anyway. You both adore culture, the more obscure the better. You love to discover new bands, read novels by controversial authors, gorge yourselves at the jewel of a restaurant tucked into an undiscovered neighborhood. You bond over TV shows and bargain-hunting for treasures (you both have a thrifty streak). No flea market, tag sale or eBay store is safe from your scouring, and your home can resemble a bizarre gallery of antiques and modern gadgetry. The tricky part is when you lapse into astrological auto-pilot. Cancer is the zodiac's mother, who heaps on affection, nurturing and well-intended care. To Gemini, this can feel like clinginess and smothering. Gemini is the zodiac's fickle tween, waffling between bouts of dependence and asserting autonomy. There will be moments when Gemini greedily laps up Cancer's doting, and others when mama bird is roughly pushed away with a sarcastic, heart-piercing insult. Cancer must work hard not to take these moments personally—otherwise, the Crab lashes back with a below-the-belt barb, and it turns ugly. Remember, Crabcake: it's not you that Gemini is rejecting, it's your overprotection. Get a pet to dote on instead. Gemini needs space, Cancer needs reassurance. Memorize this formula.

CANCER + CANCER (JUNE 21 - JULY 22) To respin the old joke: What do two Cancers bring on a second date? Answer: a U-Haul. Cancer is the zodiac's nester, and you'll quickly set up a home with a fully-stocked kitchen, cozy furniture, a hand-wired sound system and eclectic art. This is a Water sign match that can work out swimmingly. You're both sensitive and nurturing, and you feel safe in each other's thoughtful care. With your love of culture, you may need a separate room for your collection of books, music and film. While you'll create a trove of sentimental memories and a lovely little family, you can become too insular together. Push yourselves to leave the comfy Crabshell and take more risks. You make fine travel companions, especially on trips involving water: surfing in Maui, an Alaskan cruise or skiing in Aspen. Cancer is ruled by the changeable moon, and at times, your fluctuating moods can clash. On bad days, all that emotion under one roof means slammed doors, screamed insults and hours of sulking. Problems also start when you take everything personally, or let your insecurities paralyze you. We know of one Cancer-Cancer couple where the woman proposed to her fiancé—got down on bended knee when she had the flu!—because she got tired of waiting for him to pop the question. Turns out, he had a ring stashed in his sock drawer, but was scared she would say no. Oh brother. Crabs, grow a pair—don't let this happen to you.

CANCER + LEO (JULY 23 - AUGUST 22) Can you say drama? Between Cancer's moods and Leo's ego, you're a camera crew away from being a reality show—the kind that makes you want to change the channel, only you can't leave the crash scene. Harsh but true. Your signs are both needy and bossy, but in different ways. Cancer is insecure and possessive, and this sign's sensitive Water element can quench Fire-sign Leo's excitement. Leo rules the zodiac's fifth house of drama, and suffers from a terminal case of what relationship expert Alison Armstrong calls "center of the universe disease." Cancer is ruled by the fluctuating moon, Leo by the sun. You literally can be as different as night and day. However, your knee-jerk reactions and hair trigger tempers cause the same amount of destruction. So what works about this match? It's packed with passion and romance, something you both adore. Cancer and Leo are heart-driven signs, and emotional highs are your breath of life. For all the crashes, meltdowns and train wrecks this causes, you remain fiercely, enigmatically loyal. Self-awareness is crucial to this relationship's survival. You both need to take responsibility for the drama you're capable of stirring up. In the best cases, you'll meet after you've learned to temper your emotions, or even better, logged a few dedicated years of therapy.

CANCER + VIRGO (AUGUST 23 - SEPTEMBER 22) ♥♥♥♥ This is a couple that can outlast the ages, since you're fast friends and seamless companions. Virgo is the zodiac's helper and Cancer is its nurturer. Your emotional connection is instant, and you're thrilled to meet a kindred soul who knows how to give, not just take. It's a refreshing break from the usual energy vampires you both attract! Your relationship is sweet and storybook-innocent: lots of handholding, sentimental cards, and anniversary baubles. Yet, you're practical, too, stowing away college funds for your yet-to-be-born children, earning advanced degrees, taking out a mortgage. Security is something you both cherish. In a way, you're like parents and partners to one another: you both express love by nagging, fussing and feeding. And it works. A pair of self-professed nerds, you love to cook, decorate, read novels and learn. No matter how much money you earn, you both remain thrifty, too. (Scoring a high-end treasure at a tag sale or an eBay auction is orgasmic.) Your signs are both family oriented, and you make sweet but strict parents who live for your children. Generally, you're close to your own relatives, and you enjoy spending time at family events or hosting holiday gatherings. Keeping the sexy charge alive will take a little effort, though, since you both love to stay home rather than dress up or hit the town. Push yourselves to leave the nest, and socialize with other couples more often.

CANCER + LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 23 - OCTOBER 22) You're a sweet, romantic couple, but not always a perfect match. On the upside, Cancer is ruled by the caring Moon and Libra by romantic Venus, casting a tender glow on this love affair. With your flair for color, style and objets d'art, you could open an interior design business (your home may in fact resemble an Architectural Digest spread). Now, the challenge: Cancer is a deeply emotional Water sign whose moods fluctuate like the tides. Libra is a social Air sign who prefers to happy-dance through the daisies. Between the Crab's fatalism and Libra's denial, nobody has a strong grip on reality. Better keep a few grounded Earth sign friends on speed dial when you lose perspective. Failing that, you'll need to adapt to each other's opposing natures. Like a stone skipping across the water's surface, Libra averts the plunging depths of Cancer's inconsolable undertows and cloying neediness. Yet, avoidance is futile, since it only upsets the Crab to be ignored. Libra should learn that a hug, flowers and an apology (however undeserved) pave the quickest path to peace. Not that Libra doesn't have his own powerful undercurrent: when those scales tips out of balance, he can escalate a minor breakdown into a Code Orange catastrophe. Admit it: you're both big babies at times. For long-term success, find activities you both enjoy: travel, language classes, dancing, dinner parties. You're gracious hosts and culturally literate people with lots to talk about. Get out and savor life together.

CANCER + SCORPIO (OCTOBER 23 - NOVEMBER 21) You're an ideal match, twin Water signs with deeply complementary natures. Highly suspicious and protective of your privacy, neither of you trusts easily. As a result, you intuitively trust each other. The good news is, you've bet on a winning sea-horse. These two signs can mate for life, and the emotional facets of your relationship deepen into an intimacy few couples reach. Romantic and sentimental occasions never go uncelebrated: birthdays, Valentine's Day, the five-month anniversary of the first time you said "I love you." Sex is a sacred, erotic act that can transport you on a one-way trip to Tantra-ville. You feel safe enough together to try anything. The challenge will be breaking the ice, since you both tend to clam up in a red-faced fluster or any icy aloofness around a new love interest. It helps to talk about music, books, films—anything but your feelings. Once you get past the awkward phase, it's smooth sailing. You genuinely enjoy each other's company, and like to do almost everything together. As parents, you're incredibly nurturing and hands-on, and may struggle to cut the cord when your kids reach adolescence. In fact, control is the big challenge for your signs. Jealous and possessive, you know how to avoid your mate's hot buttons—or to push them when you're feeling spiteful. (The Crab pinches and the Scorpion stings; both can wound the relationship fatally.) At times, Cancer's sulking seems childish to Scorpio, and Scorpio's sharp edges can maim the Crab's tender feelings. Fortunately, you know how to win your way back into each other's good graces once the moody spells pass.

CANCER + SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 22 - DECEMBER 21) You're cut from entirely different cloths and patterns. Sagittarius is neon polka-dot on stretch Lycra; Cancer is Burberry plaid on Swiss wool. You'll never be a match that makes sense to observers—which is why Cancer Tom Cruise and Sagittarius Katie Holmes are such a tabloid target. Is it true love, a train wreck, or a little bit of both? Let's examine. Domestic Cancer rules home, heart and family, and holds his loved ones in his vest pocket. Sagittarius is the restless world traveler who craves freedom and adventure. Sag can either feel smothered or totally nurtured by Cancer. The Crab loves to provide every security for his sweetie, and it's a relief to the Archer to come home to a hot meal, a drawn bath, an adoringly attentive partner. The trouble starts when Sagittarius stops coming home. Sagittarius needs sunlight, air and wide open spaces. Cancer keeps the shades drawn and burrows into his metaphorical Crab shell. When Sagittarius neglects Cancer's need for togetherness, starts hanging out with a rowdy crew of rebels, or traipses the globe alone, Cancer's insecurities are rankled. You have fierce tempers, and the combustion of Cancer's moodiness and Sag's anger can be downright destructive. What the Crab must realize is that a pretty bird in a cage will soon fly the coop—at least, if the bird is a Sag. He must open the windows and trust Sagittarius to come back to the nest, a real act of faith. Your strong sexual chemistry sweetens the pot, but you'll need to adapt to each other's rhythms through hard work and keen listening.

CANCER + CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22 - JANUARY 19) ♥♥♥♥ Paging June and Ward Cleaver! Cancer is astrology's mother and Capricorn is its patriarch. You're opposite signs that might very well polarize into these retro roles. On the zodiac wheel, Cancer rules the fourth house of home, family and femininity. Capricorn governs its tenth house of fatherhood, authority, masculinity and ambition. In many ways, it's nice to have a mate who happily redresses your shortcomings. Yet, it can also be off-putting. Cancer longs for touch and affection, misty-eyed Hallmark moments and emotionally naked conversations. Stoic Capricorn can be stiff and formal, a closet neurotic who pooh-poohs Cancer's feelings as overblown melodramas. In truth, Capricorn just internalizes his feelings, then falls into depressions or flogs himself mercilessly. You must learn the other's "love language" to succeed as a couple. Cancer shows caring through sentimental gestures, food, togetherness and well-intended nagging. Capricorn's expression is through duty—bringing home a steady paycheck, showing up on time, holding it together when everyone else falls apart. Capricorn must learn to honor Cancer's feelings and intuition; the Crab must develop gratitude for Capricorn's loyalty and quiet wisdom. Parenting is where you really shine as a team. Raising children is the ultimate honor for your signs, as well as a creative challenge. You're both loyal to your families, no matter how much they drive you crazy. This is a quality you respect in each other. At the end of the day, you share enough common values to make a solid, lifelong match.

CANCER + AQUARIUS (JANUARY 20 - FEBRUARY 18) This oddball match is as fascinating and perplexing as a Proenza Schouler pump—and like the highbrow fashion house, few understand its power. Here we have Cancer, sentimental and family-oriented, possessive, anchored by deep roots and tradition. Mix in Aquarius, the sci-fi nomad, a butterfly escaping the net of convention, laughing with you and at you all at once. How on earth…? This is a coupling that doesn't happen often, and for good reason. Cool Aquarius doesn't need much affection, and Cancer withers without physical touch. The Crab clutches his loved ones in powerful pincers, and scuttles after Aquarius, practically begging for love. Naturally, free-spirited Aquarius feels smothered and trapped by these demands for intimacy, and constructs little trap doors everywhere—a basketball team, a drama class, a post on city council. Yet, when wounded Cancer withdraws into his shell, Aquarius is suddenly intrigued. Where did my lifeline go? What Aquarius takes for granted is Cancer's loyalty, which can resemble a mother's love for her troubled teen. The Crab can see the vulnerable child underneath the surly bravado. Beyond that, you owe each other a karmic debt so profound, you can't even articulate it. Explains one Aquarius, who's been with her Cancer mate for 35 years: "I've learned that sometimes you have to do what the other person likes, even if you don't like it." In other words, if you want to stay together, eat your broccoli. You'll certainly grow in spirit and character. Sometimes, your soul needs a challenge more than a smoothly-paved road.

CANCER + PISCES (FEBRUARY 19 - MARCH 20) ♥♥♥♥ You're a pair of softies underneath it all, even if the world sees a hard Crab shell or a tough, scaly Fish. Alone with each other, your compatible Water signs are as tender as can be. You're both compassionate and nurturing, soothing each other with sustenance and sensitivity. There's nothing a stick of butter, cookies made from scratch, or a nice after-dinner cordial by the fire can't solve. Romantic and sensual, you love to pipe classical music through the sound system, light the candelabras and whip up a gourmet feast side-by-side. Hours of kissing and foreplay will follow. Though your relationship is a refuge, it can also become a fishbowl that limits your growth. You absorb each other's fluctuating moods like a sponge, so get out of the aquarium-for-two. With your refined sensibilities, you're excellent patrons of the arts, so head to museums, gallery openings, concerts, and dance performances. Fling open your doors for dinner parties that toast an artistic friend, an esteemed poet, or a relative's good news. This satisfies your nurturing instincts, and invites new energy into your space. You must both learn when to let go of grudges, since you can be passive-aggressive and play the victim when your feelings are hurt. Slammed doors, sulking and brooding must stop. Don't excuse bad behavior with psychobabble, either (e.g., "When you said that, it reminded me of how my mother couldn't love"). Grow up, will you? If you've been cruel, simply say "I'm sorry" and offer a long hug. The power of touch can heal anything between you, too.

#cancer #compatibility #astrology #zodiac #love #relationships #cancer compatibility

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danddymaro · 4 years

Text

Trusting | Steve Rogers x Reader

PT 1 : Wanting compromise

A/N: This will be a 3-4 Part. Quite enough to fit a bit of drama I suppose. This starts off in Civil war goes through to Endgame.

warning this one is lengthy,

Word count: 4224

Wanting compromise

“ Steve,” (f/n) said firmly, staring at the said man straight on, her (dark/bright) eyes filled with determination, unwilling to back down, being just as stubborn as he had taught her to be.

Fiercely glaring with stern (e/c) orbs, she held her chin up as she spoke to him, attempting to push down everything else that wasn’t reasonable understanding, stepping over her own sentiment to meet him halfway and go just beyond that point if it was necessary.

‘I’m willing to do anything...anything to stop this,’ She thought to herself.

She was more than willing to come to a comprise, hoping he’d do the same, desiring nothing more than to have him return the same effort.

" You need to stop this...Stop before it escalates any further...before it gets any worse," she said soberly.

‘If that’s even possible…’ she thought to herself, adding onto her words, but keeping the snide thought silent.

‘No...I’m not here to play the blame game...’ She rationalized with herself, knowing that it would only invite more resentment to surface if she stayed on those cracking grounds.

" You don't want to do this…" she continued on lowly, cautioning him for what was to come.

‘I know if I can get through to him, then it won’t come to it... We won’t have to fight,’ She reasoned, knowing that the only other way to stop him would be with force.

But she detested the thought, just thinking of raising her hand at him made her insides bubble. However, she willed herself, knowing that there were only two roads she could take....

‘Whatever it takes, I can’t be the one to back down,’ she thought with a harsh swallow.

If it wasn't possible to reason, she wanted to show him she wasn’t afraid to stand in his way, that she wasn’t willing to let him just trample over her and everything they had built.

Because It wasn’t just about her...

It wasn’t just about Bucky either...

There was just too much on the line, so much to lose to simply let him walk away.

‘Not like this,’ she thought stubbornly, knowing every action in which he had taken had only caused a greater rift between every member of the once united Team.

And it would only get worse if she didn’t take action,

‘We were once a team...And there's still plenty to salvage,’ she thought with hope, accompanied by a nod of assurance.

‘we won’t come to it...To the fall of the Avengers, ‘

It hadn’t ever crossed her to believe they’d ever be on opposing sides, almost as though they'd never been friends... partners… and perhaps something more.

‘ No No No No No, ‘ she chanted, ‘I’m here as just a friend,’ She reminded herself, because any other way would complicate things.

Any other way would bring the rotten bitterness she’d been trying to swallow down right back up.

"You know that I’ve always had your back,” She told him, “I always have… and will continue to,” she added, speaking earnestly. “ I'm always at your side... so please, don't treat me like the enemy," she pleaded him, her eyes softening, her mask of hard ice melting for a moment to give him sight of her true inner turmoil, exposing it for him.

“I don’t want to fight you,” she said quietly, the words not reaching him, but with his focus on her, he could read her lips as they moved with each uttered word.

“I wouldn’t ever want to hurt you,” she added, forcing up a smile, her hand going out to him.

“So Please,” she said to him, her eyes glittering with hope, “Please take my hand,” and stilly, he stared at her open palm.

He stared at her gloved hand, his fingers twitching as they responded to the action that had been repeated so many times in the past.

He had become used to taking it, after training, after sparring, after battle...

But this time all he did was stare on, motionlessly.

She took a hard swallow after clearing her throat of the knotted ball formed within it, " Steve, “ She started, her voice reaching him once more, sounding sturdier. “I've known Tony for the longest,” she continued on, her ties with the other man being just as strong as the ones she believed to have with the blonde.

“He sees you as a friend. And I know at times he can be hard-headed,” she mused, “ But let’s face it… you are too,” she added with a soft chuckle being forced out from within her chest.

The two of the most important men in her life were hard-headed mules, which in itself was a struggle. And it was even more troublesome when the two often clashed, causing her to be pinned in between.

She was often stuck choosing between the man who was, and had been her best friend for years, and the man who she not only had formed a solid bond with, but also coincidentally admired and loved.

“But regardless of that, I just know he'd do whatever it takes to help you out,” she told him, nodding, believing it to be true. “ I just know he will...because he’s your friend.” She assured him. “And I’m your friend too,” she reminded him.

“So is Nat, “ she added with a secure nod. “And we’ve all been through too much together to let this cause us a rift.”

“ Right now, you have to understand that things aren’t looking good for Bucky.“ She explained to him, hoping he’d turn over. “And I know you love him. I know how much you've struggled to get him back. We understand. We really do...but you have to come to reason as well.” She said to him. “ That if anything, it’s better to stay together. Because that way, we can get through this. Trust me,” she urged him, stepping forward a step, still holding her hand out for him to take.

“ We can do this...together,” she assured him.

Hearing her out, his jaw tightened, something she caught sight of and with a shuttered breath, she took a step back, her hand coming to her chest.

She retreated shaking her head at him as her eyes rounded, being stunned by that one simple twitch.

She then strayed her gaze away from him, growing disillusionment notable in her (e/c) eyes, because he had already made his mind.

He had already known what he’d have to do and was willing to push forward...

He had found it easier to face her, all the while she’d simply wasted her breath, strummed on false hope, naive enough to think she could break through to him.

The decision which would have torn her apart was one he had already made, taking the path to no return.

“ I see, ” she said softly, drawing more space between them.

“You know...You're standing in front of me, holding your shield so tightly within your hand. Your muscles are all tensed... Steve, I can see it…” she informed him, “ And if you could only see the way you look at me right now... you’d understand why it hurts…” she told him. “After all, it’s the same way you look at your enemies…” she said with a dry chuckle rousing out from her to mask the hurt residing within her chest.

“ I would know... Because I've stared at you enough times to know. I’ve been at your side enough times to have memorized it,” she said sadly. Looking around, she let (e/c) colored her eyes gazed over to see their friends fighting among themselves, the entire airport a battleground, ensuring more destruction than what had already let loose.

“ This is tearing us apart, but I guess you already know that, huh?” she told him, a seldom smile slowly growing over her face as she lived through their final moments of peace together.

“ And as much as it pains me,” she shuttered, her body running cold with what she was going to say, “ I’ll have to stand in your way, " she warned him, lifting her hands from her sides, her feet elevating from the ground, levitating her body off the concrete by only a foot, ready to confront him straight forth.

“ Because I have no choice if you don't back down,” She informed him.

His stubbornness, though at times annoying, was a trait she had admired. She had always found respect in his steadfastness, his devotion in what he believed to be right, something she wished she had more of, something she’d striven to be like.

What made him a hero wasn’t the power he had gained from the enhancing serum, it had been his determination, and much more that only Steve Rogers had. His will was just as powerful as his fists, able to go against greater powers than his own in order to protect, that was his strength.

‘Damn it...’ She thought to herself, because even then, all while she was ready to go against him, she found herself admiring his drive, stunned by his love for his longtime friend as well.

Far from within, she began to question whether or not she was on the right side,

‘ I’d wreak havoc for you,’ She thought to herself, understanding him, uncertain if she was doing the right thing by opposing him because she too would go against the world to save him.

But then she remembered Stark, she remembered his words, his own reasons.

His own pain...

“Just answer me this...” she breathed, “Why?” She questioned him. “ Do you not trust him?” she asked. “Does his word mean nothing?”

“Steve...Are we not friends?” She asked him.

‘What did we do wrong?’ She wondered. ‘Just say anything... something,’ She pleaded, having received nothing but silence from him all along.

“ I won't let anything happen to Bucky, “ He informed her, making those his chosen words.

“ I won’t take the risk,” he added, “And even if I have the whole world going against me, I have to do what’s right,” he informed her. “ Because even if someone is telling me that something wrong is right...even if the world is telling me to move... ” he continued on, drifting off towards the end, securing a direct lining to connect his blue eyes to hers as he continued on, “ No...I won't move,” he said with assertiveness.

“I won’t be the one to move aside,” he told her. “I’m sorry (f/n),” he told her, his lips pressing together tightly afterward.

She had her answer, but shaking her head rapidly, she still couldn't accept it,

“There’s another way!” she persisted.”You know there is!” she said out loud. “we can come to an agreement!’ she argued frantically, nodding her head furiously.

“Don't you get it? There is nothing to compromise!” he fought back, “ I can't trust anyone else to do this. I can’t trust him, and I can't trust -” he stopped himself mid-sentence and bit his tongue, holding back his words.

His fists tightened at his sides, his face whipping itself towards another direction, anywhere else but her way.

He hadn’t wanted to say that last bit, and yet, it slipped past him.

And then it dawned on to her…

‘of course...’ Of course, it all made sense.

Her chest tightened in pain, making her breath hitch.

She immediately tightened her own jaw, teeth clamping tightly together, grinding against each other harshly to the point it became painful. “ Finish what you were going to say... go ahead…” she rasped, feeling her blood boil, bubbling like scathing water.

She urged him to continue, but instead, he stayed silent, not willing to repeat his words, nor continue on where he stopped.

“ You don't trust him...and you don't trust me either, “ she said finishing for him, her hands balling. "Is that it?" She asked him, her voice rising with viciousness.

It stung, striking her right at the center of her chest when he revealed that he had no trust in them. It pained her to know he hasn't been filled with the same sentiment she had been, because she had been certain they had grown to be true family, one where they all fit together.

She HAD been convinced of that.

“You don’t trust me…” she repeated, feeling a stabbing pain within her chest. “I’ve taken so many bullets for you,” she reminded him, “ I was so sure you’d do the same for me,” she admitted.

“ But no...of course not, " she murmured to herself.

‘You’re such an idiot... a complete moron,’ she berated herself. ‘He never had...’

"....But you trust her right?" She asked through clenched teeth, venom spitting out from her mouth. She couldn't help but show the bit of green that had festered within her. She tried to press it down the entire time, but his sudden revelation made the thought of HER rise...

“You trust her enough to have her sneak all your gear out for you, right? “ she asked darkly. “You trust her enough to talk to her, don't you?” she continued on. “ You trust her enough to meet up with her, and conspire," she spoke with envy, her fists tightening to the point they shook.

He looked at her with surprise, and he asked himself what Sharon had to do with anything, what role she played in the woman's agitation.

"I ask you one final time Steve," she said with a long breath, her heart gearing up, it's pace fastening as she already knew his reply.

His blue eyes shut tightly seeing her so visually hurt, but even then he couldn't back down. He rolled his shoulders, steadying his stance, and it was a wordless signal showing his final decision, one he hadn’t been considering to change since the start.

One she hadn’t been able to accept...

Her vision blurred slightly and with a frustrated grunt, she quickly swiped her arm over her eyes.

"I hate you...I hate you so much," she rasped, rising up higher before shooting towards him like a quick bullet, her right arm clenched back.

From her mouth words she'd never dream of uttering to him with wholeheartedness had escaped. However, as she claimed to hate him, it wasn't the case.

The female avenger spoke out of heartbreak, out of betrayal.

She had spoken as a wounded woman...one who felt betrayed and scorned.

No…She didn't hate him, she had just become disenchanted with him, the pedestal she had placed him on breaking down as though the foundation had been nothing but cheap wood.

Had their friendship been nothing more than a cheap mess?

Had she been stupid enough to think there was anything more there as well?

And of course, there was the question that haunted her, ever so present in the bitter moment,

‘Why Sharon...Why her?

Why not me?’

As her right fist struck him, he fell back, rolling into a safe land, his own right hand taking hold of the ground to stop himself.

His blue eyes glared right at her, sternly looking towards her with confusion, absolutely stunned.

Without hesitation she went towards him again, her other fist colliding at the star center of his shield as he raised it up before him.

His right leg was placed further in front of his body while his left stayed behind him being dragged back as a result, digging into the cement ground as she pushed forward.

A cry of frustration left her as he pushed his body forward, adding a jut to the vibranium made guard in his possession, successfully pushing her back.

Falling back herself, she dragged along the hard floor before wordlessly lifting herself from it, her rage-filled face unaffected by the aftermath of his opposing strike.

With a mocking grin, she cackled out with laughter, her head inclining back as she displayed dark amusement. She felt her eyes sting as little pricks jabbed and prodded at her already wounded heart,

“Don't hold back now!” she cried out, running straight towards him.

The damage had been done, by that point it was an insult to pull punches, and she saw it nothing more as cruel mocking.

‘If you see me as an enemy then fight me as one,’

" I always trusted you! " She said angrily, her eyes beginning to glow, going from their normal (e/c) glimmer to a glowing white brilliance.

Beneath his mask he showed obvious concern, his eyebrows creased with worry as he looked on at her,

‘Somethings not right,’ He thought to himself, knowing it wasn't normal for her eyes to change.

It wasn’t normal for her to have such physical force either, something he’d noticed from the start.

" I Looked up to you! " She continued on, pushing him back with a straight kick, snarling as he once again blocked it with his shield, pushing her back as he had before.

Stumbling, she fell back, both her tightened fists slamming onto the concrete ground, cracking the floor with two craters.

And yet again, he was left stunned...

Stepping back, he eyed the formed hallows with caution.

She choked up, hating the wetness that fell from her two eyes, and with another harsh wipe to them, she forced herself up. She stood up with stiffened muscles, breath coming out from her parted lips in harsh pants.

With quick steps she went towards him, her left arm sweeping over to him, and with that a blue, cylinder container came from behind her, shooting towards him with incredible speed.

Whipping his own arm right he sent the object hurling another direction as it bounced off the metal shield in his hold.

Immediately afterward, knowing he’d parry the attack with his guard, her right arm whipped aside, picking up the large metal piece once again, and aimed it back at him.

Mercilessly hitting its target, it struck him right at his midsection, a huff leaving him as it knocked the breath from him.

" I thought you cared, " She seethed, watching him be hit, both her arms raised high above her, a strained heave sounding out from her. He could hear her struggling, pushing herself until she tore herself from within,

“ Are you alright? “ he asked her, placing a hand at her upper back, kneeling down with her. Nodding enthusiastically, she beamed up at him, giving him a dismissive wave, “ It’s nothing,” she assured him, not convincing him in the least bit, and he was about to argue back, but another voice cut him off.

“It’s not ‘ nothing ‘,” Tony interjected, the metal armor he wore giving away his approaching figure before he had even spoken.

He then offered her a hand, his brows creased with concern as he lifted her up, forcing her to stand on wobbly legs. Leaning onto him she gave a deep sigh, (f/n) looked over at Steve, watching as he raised himself from his crouching position as well.

“Ok, so it’s not just ‘nothing,’” she admitted sheepishly.

“Meaning?” Steve said with a question filled tone.

“Meaning,” Tony started, “ She’s not able to go on all day like you can,” he informed the first avenger. “ She can overexert herself if she’s doing too much,” he continued on, making (f/n) grimace.

“I know it’s stupid,” (f/n) admitted, smiling tiredly, “ Don’t get me wrong,” she said strengthening her back, “I can pull my own weight, “ she assured him, “But i have my limits,” she admitted.

“I’m just as human as anyone else, “ she reminded them, “Just with a special talent,” she added.

“One that I have to control... or it could very well kill me,” she murmured with a dry chuckle, the last bit meant for herself, something true and grave, but amusing to her.

" Dammit! I loved you!" she said out loud, her voice ringing clear as day as she said it.

And at her final words, his eyes widened, growing as large as they could as even she seemed surprised at her confession.

It had been caused by the slip up she had made in her frustrated state, something she hadn’t wanted him to know, especially not then when she begged him to stay.

She hadn’t wanted him to know, not when he clearly showed he hadn’t felt the same either.

She felt pathetic, even moreso as she caught sight of the look he gave her.

He stared at her like she was a kicked dog like he felt bad for her.

But it made sense to him now...

All the missing pieces fit snuggly and he began to understand many things.

“(f/n)...” he started, stopped by her frustrated cry.

With a snarl, she shook off the look she wore, erasing the traces of heartache worn over her. Instead, she dashed towards him again, her face shifted to anger, the only feeling powerful enough to hide everything else.

But as she advanced, she was stopped by a barely visible wall created by red magic, causing her to be frozen just a couple of feet from the blonde man.

Staring dead on she swallowed hard, seeing him gazing right at her, his eyes hardly blinking.

Her (e/c) eyes then moved to find the Chestnut haired enhanced female, glaring at her as she felt her red magic begin to shell over her body, coaxing over her. Wanda's fingers moved against each other, her face filled with focus, teeth pressed together as she encased the other woman in her red aura.

Resisting, (f/n) put her own power into use, gaining function in her movements in a manner of seconds. "Little red.. you're a long way from being able to take me on," she warned her friend.

She had always used the loving nickname given to the other female as a show of care, but in her agitated state, she spat out the words with vice, making it seem like it held a disgusting flavor in her mouth.

Wanda Maximoff was undoubtedly a hell to be reckoned with, and (f/n) was sure she'd rank the strongest of the Avengers... but that was only with more years to go, only with more time. unfortunately, the teen had yet to fully manipulate her powers, and the elder could see by the pained expression formed over her that she was exerting far too much energy at attempting to stop the (h/c) haired, more experienced telepath.

(F/n) had years of practice in hand, born with the talent, so it was only natural.

“You can’t possibly believe you can, Right Red?” (f/n) said lowly.

"I know," Wanda replied back, half-heartedly smiling as she looked on towards the other woman with sympathy, because all in all, they were friends. Not only could she see the visible pain within her (e/c) eyes, she could feel it.

There was a ridged darkness to her typically kind face, one that made her seem like a completely different person.

But there was no mistaking her...

Wanda was certain it was the same (f/n), simply muddied by darkness, too hurt to see with anything but hazy eyes dimmed with spite.

"... I'm only drawing time," Wanda revealed.

With a short gasp (f/n) looked back towards the first Avenger as he threw his shield at her, striking her right at her chest, and with its force as well as Wanda's own she was sent back.

Sighing and wiping off the sweat formed over her forehead, Wanda trained her eyes on the First Avenger as he held up his hand, waiting to grab his shield.

" You hesitated too long," she complained.

"I know," Steve replied back with a heave, worriedly looking back to where the woman had crashed.

Enveloped by cold metal the (h/c) young woman wheezed, partially wedged through a parked plane’s outer wall. Tears bubbled from her eyes, the pain induced wetness seeping into her parted mouth, the taste-making her huff.

“I...I have to...” she groaned, using both her strength and power to free herself, ungracefully falling to the cement ground in a filthy heap. she continued to weep as she lay there, her eyes glued to the man that stared back her.

From afar, Rogers stared over to the woman, clenching his teeth as he saw her lay still.

“You said to not hold back,” Wanda told him, “ Take your own advice,” she offered him, making him nod, pressing his lips together with a tightened smile,

“ Yeah your right,” he replied, tearing his sight from (f/n).

It was hard to do so, and it pained him, but he did.

"come on," he said afterward, beginning to run off, "we have to leave," he told her and as Maximoff watched him pick up speed, she trailed behind him.

Meanwhile, (f/n)’s hands balled tightly over the cement ground, shaking as she tried to force herself up.

Her legs wobbled as she walked forward, her eyes glued to the fleeing man, and only him. Her left hand then went to clutch her aching heart, right at where he struck her, knowing she’d hold the pain far into her future.

Her vision was hazy, unable to see fully well, but even then she trudged forward, her (e/c) colored eyes glued to the blue blur.

“It hurts...It all hurts...” she said to herself, slowly moving, her hand still resting at her heart.

Next : Getting through it

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